Handsome Squidward

[Old Man Jenkins]

Mr. Handsome has spent time on the second page long enough...

Episode 2.5b: Smoke and Mirrors

His Handsomeness was put in the corner of Clappy's subconscious for almost a whole 'nother month. The Ugly has been running rampant not only through Bikini Bottom, but the entire world in his absence. Handsome Squidward decided to take some initiative on his own accord, but not before taking an icy cold shower to perk up his already erect nipples but it had no effect on his package because his just so handsome. After spending about 45 minutes straight standing statuesquely under the cold running water, he threw on his white robe. He also rolled a towel over his silky smooth scalp for some good measure. He swung open his bathroom door as a rush of steam and smoke flowed out, his hotness causing the cold water to sizzle and evaporate as it made contact with him in the shower. He went to go throw on his leotard but something caught his attention at the corner of his eye. He abruptly stopped himself in his tracks and focused his attention toward his mirror as he began to bust out some five second poses and stared at himself for what his handsomeness made feel like hours on end.

"Oh reflection of me which I see, who is as handsome as can be?", Handsome Squidward asked, giving his reflection a wink doing so and causing the mirror to fog up from his hotness.

He slipped out of his robe to reveal that he is already in his leotard. He ran his suction cups down his washboard abs before throwing the towel off his head as a rush of wind blew threw the window as he does so, flowing past his scalp as he swings his right tentacle up in slow-motion.

"I think it's time I address my people."

And with that, Handsome Squidward made his way outside where his daily crowd of admirers awaited for the Ravishing Son to return. He stepped out of his front door to a roaring ovation, not only just there but everywhere. All over the world, boners and cherries popped like corn smothered in butter sizzling in the heat that is His Handsomeness.

"People, physically less fortunate people, please! May I beg your indulgence for just one momen-"

Before Handsome Squidward could finish his sentence, he was mobbed by the raucous crowd who wanted nothing more than to just smack that up on the floor. Handsome Squidward stood up on his roof, unscathed, and caught everyone's attention with some squats.

"As I was saying before I was so unattractively interrupted."

"We love you, Mr. Handsome!" a devoted male admirer blurted out.

"Thank you for your envious opinion, but that is not the case at hand here. Believe me when I say that I fear for our society. I fear for you people in that you all can't be quite as physically fortunate as I am, but it's not a complete pipe dream. You all can be handsome as well, but in order for us to accomplish such an impossible feat you all need to help me help you. This is an ugly world we live in but there are greener, luscious pastures to look towards. Which is why I decree that you all, men, women and children, must put these brown paper bags sexily over your heads and pray to Adonis that you can take it off knowing you all, too, can be as beautiful as me."

Handsome Squidward had a few bag men pass the paper-made ugly-containment devices out to the unwashed masses. Everyone gladly took to placing their hideous facades inside these sex god-given contraptions. Handsome Squidward knew that this could only prove to be a temporary solution to the increasingly growing problem of The Ugly in the world and that more measures must be taken in order to permanently pacify this major threat to the world since the end of the Mayan Calendar.

Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab. Moar Krabs was making a Krabby Patty of diabolical proportions. He took an old rotten patty from under the stove and slapped on Volcano Sauce, Seahorse Radish, and Toenail Clippings before dropping it in the toilet and fishing it out with old gym socks.

"Ar, so that handsome shit thinks he can save these people. Aye, I'll show him. This will be much MOAR than even he could handle!"

Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar Ar!

[Macseed]

I see Krabs is leader of the Pi. Hilarious episode as usual!

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

I loved it. Keep up the great work guys!

[Clappy]

I'll admit that my temp job has been keeping me sidetracked from all my writing, but that was a very entertaining follow up BrOMJ. I lol'd hard.

[Clappy]

So I think this crossover is long overdue:

3. A Crossover With Skodwarde is Inevitable (Part 1 of 3): An Unexpected Journey

After spending lord knows how long since his previous adventures, his Handsomeness figures that everyone's whistles needs his perspiration. So he starts off by...

but not before taking an icy cold shower to perk up his already erect nipples but it had no effect on his package because his just so handsome. After spending about 45 minutes straight standing statuesquely under the cold running water, he threw on his white robe. He also rolled a towel over his silky smooth scalp for some good measure. He swung open his bathroom door as a rush of steam and smoke flowed out, his hotness causing the cold water to sizzle and evaporate as it made contact with him in the shower. He went to go throw on his leotard but something caught his attention at the corner of his eye. He abruptly stopped himself in his tracks and focused his attention toward his mirror as he began to bust out some five second poses and stared at himself for what his handsomeness made feel like hours on end.

...and just like that, everyone reading is now wet with perspiration. So it was time to address his delay with his daily speech to the Ugly.

"“I have an important message to deliver to what’s left of the handsome people all over the world. If you're out there and you're cute, maybe you're beautiful. I just want to tell you somethin' — there's more UGLY MOTHERFUCKERS than you are, hey-y, so watch out.”

The Ugly people marked out as Handsome Squidward’s modification of Frank Zappa’s famous quotes inspired them to be just as beautiful as their Handsome savior, when suddenly…

“AR AR AR AR AR!!!!!!!!!!”

Someone played the Moar Krabs trump card

“Eugene my man?” His handsomeness questioned?

“I am Eugen no MOAR, I am MOAR Krabs. I have come to continue the mass outbreak of the ugly.” replied the Moar master.

“But Eugene, I don’t understand.”

“It’s quite simple really. You popped me daughter’s cherry, so I help spread the Ugly. The dark lord will be pleased. I get MOAR money.”

“Who is the Dark Lord Eugene?”

“AR AR AR AR AR. That is for me to know and for you to fall to your demise. If the Dark Lord gets his way, then your handsome powers will no longer prevail.”

“Not unless I get my trusted LeFou on the job.”

As he snapped his fingers, his Handsomeness realized something. His LeFou was nowhere near to kiss his handsome ass. Then MOAR Krabs snapped his fingers as in his cage, was LeFouBob.

“Your LeFou is about to become one of us. It’s only a matter of time as he too will become a meme and his powers will be as significant as ours.”

“Are you sure?”

“Does this look unsure to you me boy?”

With that sudden disturbance in the force, the gods from above summoned another meme. But this wasn’t just any meme…it was a familiar squid…but just not as handsome….

NOTE: Here ends Part 1. Parts 2 and 3 will be episodes 99A and B of Skodwarde.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Episode 4: It's Not Easy Being Ugly

With Mr. Krabs still imprisoned for public nudity with the intent of jerking it in San Diego, Handsome Squidward was left in charge of the Krusty Krab by default because you don't need no managing experience when you're this damn handsome. The Krusty Krab's profits nearly quintupled because people far and wide came just to see his handsomeness in action, and by action I mean pirouetting in slow motion. LeFouBob tried garnering some attention for himself by working that on the grill, but it was painfully obvious that Handsome Squidward is the life source of every party in existence. Feeling jilted and not in the ass kissing mood today since there were plenty of others in the restaurant already doing that for him, LeFouBob called his handsomeness back into the kitchen in order to say his piece.

"What is it Sponge thats Bob? Can't you see that my audience awaits?"

"I am terribly sorry for the abrupt intermission, Handsome Squidward, but I really have to get this off my chest."

"Let my suction cups help you with that."

And using his handsome hands, Handsome Squidward managed to pull that thing off of SpongeBob's chest.

"Thank you, Handsome Squidward. It feels great to have the load off."

"Anytime Pants that's Squared."

The crowd began throwing a fit over this 20 second intermission, throwing various things from the salad bar at the stage.

"Your time awaits, my LeFou."

And with Handsome Squidward's boost of confidence, SpongeBob knew the time has come to do what he was meant to do. He took a mop in hand and went out to clean house. As soon as worked that mop over the tomato juice, the crowd were in an uproar of excitement. SpongeBob looked on, confused.

"You like it, you really like it?"

One of the spectators shouted, "Yes! That's what we've been waiting for!"

And with that, SpongeBob had what he believed to be his 15 minutes of fame, cleaning up the mess as Handsome Squidward worked a mop of his own as only someone that damn handsome can from behind him, the real source of all the cheers. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to everyone, a minuscule menace ninja'd his way into all the festivities, looking to cash in on the distraction.

Episode 5: Big Things Come In Small Packages

It was PLANKTON! who had snuck his way into the premises, looking to once again claim the Krabby Patty Secret Formula as his own. He made his way onto one of customer's patties in the audience, happy with himself that he has made it this far.

"Karen was right, this is gonna be cake! With Krabs being some dude's bitch and everybody else distracted by that handsome blowhard, the formula will be mine for the taking!"

To compliment his sinister plan, he busted out his long-forgotten record player that, instead of playing his evil music, began to play "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls. Clearly embarrassed by this, he hastily tried to switch sides, but something caught his eye like nothing ever had before. He caught sight of Handsome Squidward working that mop like no one's business and couldn't quite take his eye off of his handsomeness no matter how he tried to focus on the task at hand. He finally got caught up in Handsome Squidward's hype and was completely mesmerized. He began drooling a bit from his mouth.

"Mmmmm, steamyyy."

Plankton said to himself as he began jerking it in Bikini Bottom with music on his record player getting progressively louder. Everybody else in the audience at this point were reaching their sexual climax as Handsome Squidward popped things off by standing statuesquely in the spotlight for a good 15 minutes or so as SpongeBob began working that dust pan in front of him.

"Yes. YEEEEEEEESSS!! Come to poppa!"

And with those last few hard spanks to the monkey, a small explosion could be heard as everybody was too distracted by his handsomeness to even be bothered with something so insignificant. The owner of the Krabby Patty looked at his food in disgust.

"Wait a second, I didn't ask for mayo on this patty! Oh well."

And he began to down the patty as Handsome Squidward proceeded to exit stage up because he's just that damn handsome.

Episode 6: Cybering

Backstage, Handsome Squidward was busy not applying collagen to his full, luscious, natural lips as his LeFou came up to him, having finally finished cleaning house.

"Good news, your handsomeness. We have made more money during this one night only than Mr. Krabs has his entire life!"

"At the end of the day, Sponge that's Bob it's not the money that matters, it's, well, me."

"I couldn't have said it any better myself, Handsome! By the way, we just got this huge bag of lust mail sent in. Care to read them, sir, or should I just throw it with others in Lust Mail Vault?"

"Oh LeFou, I already know what these people want. They want a savior, a light to be shined over the darkness that oh so appropriately shrouds over their ugly."

"Looks like somebody really has something out for you, sir. They even sent in...CHERRY PIE."

"Cherry Pie?! The unhealthy, sugary, bubbling fat dessert delicacy that I find oh so difficult not to enjoy to eat?! From whom was it mailed from?"

"It says its from a Karen at the Chum Bucket."

"Isn't that the unattractive eyesore across the street, LeFou?"

"Yes, good way of putting it in simpler terms, Handsome."

"I see? I shall meet this Karen and...return the favor."

"You're gonna pop her cherry, aren't you Handsome Squidward?"

"Yes, LeFou. I'm gonna finish her errands."

And with that innuendo that only someone that damn handsome can pull off, Handsome Squidward made his way to the Chum Bucket. He entered the premises only to be greeted by an armada of deadly robot things who have their targets sighted on Handsome Squidward. In order to defend himself, he busts out some five second poses that causes all the robots to malfunction and explode. Handsome Squidward steps out of the smoke and carnage unharmed because will you just look at him?

"Things don't usually get this steamy this early into the liaison," he told the reader because he's too damn handsome to talk to himself.

"I see you came, Handsome Squidward," a voice belted out.

"I always come prepared," Handsome Squidward replied, taking out some of the best condoms around.

"Your reputation proceeds you. You're even making my screen fog up."

"Your screen? Sounds kinky."

Karen dimmed down the lights in the Chum Bucket before the start screen booted up on her noticeably foggy screen.

"You even turned me on," Karen told him seductively.

"Yes, I have that effect on everyone and everything."

And with that, Handsome Squidward's devilish good looks proceeded to defy even more logic as he inserted his disk into Karen's drive. The motion of their ocean being enough to knock the H down from the Chum Bucket sign because I'm just killing it.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Here's one of many Handsome Squidward holiday specials. Handsomely early as usual.

Episode 7: A Very Handsome Christmas

It was Christmas in Bikini Bottom, and Handsome Squidward brought not a pillow or a sheet, but a blanket, a blanket of warmth everywhere he went. After his usual morning rituals we've already gone over in past episodes, he went into town to provide all the good little ugly people warmth through the hawtness that he embodies. Miles upon miles of people lined up to be in his presence in order to shelter from the cold.

LeFouBob: Wow Handsome Squidward, you're doing God's work here!

Handsome Squidward: Sponge that's Bob, have mercy! For you see, I am far more handsomer than he.

LeFouBob: You got that right!

After that rifling of Christians' feathers everywhere, Handsome Squidward and LeFouBob made their ways back home, Handsome Squidward making all the snow in his path melt from the sizzle of his heat he's packing. If there was one thing Handsome Squidward liked about winter, it was the fact that the cold makes his already perky nipples erect.

LeFouBob: Hope you you have a Merry Christmas, Handsome Squidward!

Handsome Squidward: Yes, and another Merry Its-The-Holidays-And-I'm-Still-Ugly to you too!

Handsome Squidward retreated to his inner sanctum where he partakes in his nightly rituals of looking at himself in the mirror before bed.

Handsome Squidward: Oh, reflection of me of which I see, who is as studly as can be?

Reflection of Perfection: Whooa mama, you are.

Handsome Squidward: Studly and what?

Reflection of Perfection: And you're gonna milk it into cheese!

Having had enough of the closest thing to actual good porn for him, Handsome Squidward decided to have his beauty sleep. It was Christmas Eve and all through Handsome Squidward's house, not an ugly creature was stirring, not even Handsome Squidward's admirers for they were all too busy gathering around LeFouBob's house to celebrate the yearly arrival of another god-like figure in Santa Claus. Every year the citizens would ask Santa for a cure to their Ugly, but alas for those poor unfortunate souls, not even Santa could make something of such magnitude in his magical workshop. They'll just have to accept the fact that they're just born that way. Handsome Squidward had trouble believing in Santa, for he simply could not believe that such a fat, old and unsightly man could bring these people so much hope, as much as someone as handsome as he is can bring. Handsome Squidward never felt the need to ask Santa for anything, because he already had everything he ever wanted and could have more just by sharing a passing glance.

But suddenly, a stumble could be heard coming from the living room, awakening Handsome Squidward.

Handsome Squidward: Who dares interrupt MY beauty sleep?

Handsome Squidward threw on his leotard and made his way to the living room in slow motion as the fan girls squeal. He descended the stairs to see a fat, old and unsightly man putting some Old Spice products in the leotards that Handsome Squidward just so happens to hang around his house. That needs no explanation because he's handsome.

Handsome: Stop right there you fat old man, and turn that neck if you can!

And to Handsome Squidward's shock, the fat man actually did manage to turn his head back without having to move his entire body.

Fat Man: Ho! Ho!...HO?

Right as the fat man caught sight of his handsomeness, his heart began racing and he started losing breath. He grabbed his chest before toppling down onto the floor, foaming at the mouth. Handsome Squidward called LeFouBob over and asked him for his opinion on these developments.

LeFouBob: Handsome Squidward, do you know who this?!

Handsome Squidward: The better question is, does he know who I am considering the trouble he'd be getting into trying to break and enter my inner sanctum?

LeFouBob: Handsome Squidward, your devilish good looks gave Santa an unspecified medical disorder!

Handsome Squidward: Can you blame him? You should know that you people tend to have that affect on me.

LeFouBob: I know! I learned from my first ten trips to the hospital. What should we do?

Handsome Squidward: What should WE do? What should I do? If this fat, unsightly, old man is who you think he is, then I must give you people something handsomer to believe in.

LeFouBob: Handsome Squidward, you don't mean-

Handsome Squidward: Unlike you, I've been around the world And unlike you, I've had my way with many, many people. I've got this, LeFou. Do what you can here. I'll do what I must.

Handsome Squidward leaves LeFouBob to tend to that fat by as he heads out to Santa's sleigh, appalled by this unsightly form of transport.

Handsome Squidward: So not sexy.

And with those words, Handsome Squidward made his way around the world on his own, giving all the ugly people in the world the greatest of all, his visage. Every house he visited, Handsome Squidward bestowed upon them his signature five second poses, getting everybody's hopes up in the process. Even the poor, little, invalid Tiny Tim was blessed enough to have an audience with his handsomeness.

Tiny Tim: Mommy! Daddy! Santa's here! Santa's here!

Tiny Tim brought his parents downstairs to see quite the sight to behold.

Bob Cratchit: Why son, that's not Santa.

Tiny Tim: Its not?

Mrs. Cratchit: Of course not, you silly, little thing you. It's Handsome Squidward!

Handsome Squidward: And accepting that as fact is only half the battle!

And with a wink and a fart, Handsome Squidward ascended back up the chimney like a dart, bestowing upon Mrs. Cratchit the best orgasm she ever had. For Bob Cratchit, a renewed libido, no more Viagara for him! And for poor, little, Tiny Tim, the ability to walk again but more importantly, his first boner.

Handsome Squidward eventually arrived at a small Canadian town, better known as Waterloo, where he was greeted by Little Waterloo Who, who was no more than two. Gazing upon Handsome Squidward gave her the gift to walk up-straight and speak perfect English and in complete sentences despite being only a year old.

Little Waterloo Who: Handsome Squidward, why are you in my house? Why?

Handsome Squidward never entertained the young'ns before, so he opted to take her back into her room and laid her in bed. One year-old Little Waterloo Who would come out of this experience a woman. Fully grown. The three words that best describes Handsome Squidward are as followed and I quote, "Damn! Fine! Hunk!" Be they naughty or nice, Handsome Squidward popped boners and cherries every house he visited, more so the naughty ones.

After making his way around the world yet again, he finally returned to Bikini Bottom to once again give the Bottomites the gift of his presence before making his way to the hospital to pay the fat man a visit.

LeFouBob: What's the prognosis, Handsome Squidward?

Handsome Squidward: Prognosis?

Handsome Squidward looked at his LeFou up and down, confused.

Handsome Squidward: Prognosis...Which hole do you want to to take it in?

LeFouBob: Handsome Squidward! Not THAT kind of prognosis!

Handsome Squidward facepalms himself sexily.

Handsome Squidward: Oh right, prognosis! Prognosis. It appears he was hit by the ugly stick pretty hard all his life.

LeFouBob: How long does he have, Handsome Squidward?

Handsome Squidward: We must put in my hands now, you poor, ugly thing you.

LeFouBob starts breaking down as Handsome Squidward approaches Santa's bedside. Santa looked to be in really bad shape, after all, his diet seems to only consist of cookies. Santa's heart rate is slow and was coming in and out of consciousness. Santa stirred around, eyes squinting. He turned to see Handsome Squidward at his side, looking down on him like he looks down on all the ugly people in the world. Santa's eyes widened, his heart rate began racing on the monitor and something pointy began protruding through his hospital blanket at his waist.

Santa: Ho Ho Handsome!

Santa said with hearts in his eyes.

LeFouBob: Handsome Squidward, you did it! You saved him!

Handsome Squidward and his LeFou accompanied Santa back to the North Pole.

Santa: Handsome Squidward, you saved Christmas and my life and for that, I am forever grateful to you.

Handsome Squidward: You weren't already?!

Santa: You should meet the Mrs.

Handsome Sauidward: Santa, look at your wife. Look at me. Look back at your wife. Now back to me. What is this I'm holding in my hand?

Santa: A cherry?

Handsome Squidward: Your wife's cherry.

Handsome Squidward pops the cherry in his sexual suction cups.

Handsome Squidward: I popped it.

Santa: What a ho ho ho!

LeFouBob: Handsome Squidward bless us, everyone!

[Old Man Jenkins]

Here's that ep I promised, handsomely late as usual because, well...

Episode 8: Handsomeween

It was All Hallow's Eve one night in Bikini Bottom, the town's citizens getting into the holiday spirit by concealing their true ugly for a more costumed approach for one night only and frolicking about, parading their hideous visages in exchange for scrumptious delights such as chocolate, which turns into bubbling fat and does no favors to their already inferior complexions. The hottest costume going for this year was none other than his Handsomeness, himself. But there was just no counterfeiting the genuine article.

One of these costumed abominations worked up the courage to knock at the door of Handsome Squidward, who had far more pressing matters to tend to like admiring himself in the mirror for one, rather than partaking in these physically less superior festivities. Interrupted, Handsome Squidward went to answer what could potentially be yet another suitor. He planned to simply spare a five second pose or two before sending the trick r treaters on their way to the ugly convention.

"Hmmmyes?" Handsome Squidward answered, striking a five second pose

"Ahoooooyyy Handsome Squidward!" the physically less fortunate in Handsome Squidward's clothing replied, having already striked a pose.

"Sponge that's Squared, just who in my name are you supposed to be?"

"Why, I'm Handsome Squidward."

Handsome Squidward just looked at his LeFou, perplexed, "Bob that's Sponge, I want you to take my door-"

"Yes!" Sponge that's Pants replied a bit too excitedly.

"And hit me in the face as hard as you can because that 'costume', soooo not sexy." Handsome Squidward bluntly says, being too handsome for this shit.

"But, but, but..."

"Now I know the more, er...physically less fortunate like yourself want to someday be as beautiful as me, but this. This is just downright heresy and a complete mockery of my handsome image."

"I didn't want it to come off like that, Handsome!"

"Well, that costume is gonna have to come off like that."

"BUT" tears begin to gush out of Sponge that's Bob's eyes. "This is my only night to be handsome!"

"Well, you do look slightly more attractive tonight. Live the dream, you poor, ugly thing you."

"Hey!" another voice belted out from behind. "I wanna be Handsome Squidward, too!" Patrick cried, walking up to the handsome duo.

Handsome Squidward let out a sigh, "Pat that's Star, look up, now back to me. I have bonbons. Do you like bonbon, Pat that's Rick?"

"Boy, do I!"

"Would you like to put one of my bonbons in your mouth?"

"Boy, would I!"

"Look down, now back to me-BAM DOOR TO THE FACE!" Handsome Squidward whispered softly, not wanting to damage his assumably just as handsome vocal chords, as he slammed his door in Patrick's face.

Patrick reeled back in pain with face in hands before revealing his new costume.

"Well, how do I look?" Patrick asked.

SpongeBob, and much to his dismay, Handsome Squidward had no choice but to a pop a few bonkers at the sight.

"You. Look. GREAT!" SpongeBob replied, salivating.

Patrick inhaled a little, "I'm Handsome Squidward! Handsome Squidward! Handsome Squidward! Handsome Squidward! Handsome Squidwar-" striking five second poses with each "Handsome Squidward" uttered.

"HOLD IT!" Handsome Squidward whispered. "It's so much to look like Handsome Squidward. You have to be Handsome Squidward too."

"Boy oh boy, do I love admiring myself in the mirror! I stare and I ogle all day long and I never seem to get any uglier." SpongeBob doing the best in his ability to be like Handsome Squidward. "Like that?"

"That's sorta sexy, I guess. Now you try, Pat that's Rick."

Patrick in haled once again before striking more poses, "I'm Handsome Squidward! Handsome Squidward! Handsome Squidward, Handsome Squidward, Handsome Squidward!"

SpongeBob joined in on the handsome parade, "I'm Handsome Squidward! Handsome Squidward! Handsome Squidward, Handsome Squidward, Handsome Squidward! Would you like to go to the Halloween Masquerade and stand statuesquely at the Kinky Krab, Handsome Squidward?"

"Why thank you, Handsome Squidward!" Patrick replied.

"You're sexily welcome, Handsome Squidward!"

"A Halloween Masquerade?" Handsome Squidward question. "Why wasn't I handsomely invited?!"

"I'm sure you were, Handsome Squidward." SpongeBob replied. "It probably just got sent to the wrong Handsome Squidward."

"What on my earth do you mean wrong Handsome Squidward?"

"Well, it's not just us going as your handsomeness for Halloween. Practically the whole town is too!"

"What, what WHAT?!" Handsome Squidward whispered angrily. "This is an outrage! I should really trademark my image."

"That you should, Handsome Squidward." SpongeBob said.

"That you should." Patrick concurred.

And with two winks and a fart, they sexily made their way to the Halloween Masquerade down at the Kinky Krab. People aplenty lined up outside of the establishment looking to gain entry. Being far too handsome for this "waiting in line" bullshit, Handsome Squidward and his entourage simply made their presence known straight to the front.

"Excuse me, I'm afraid you and your party are gonna have to take your tailfins straight to the back." the bouncer scolded.

"I believe my handsomeness is in order, my good, physically less fortunate, man." Handsome Squidward retorted, rubbing his always erect nipples.

"And just who do you think you're supposed to be, my good, 'physically more fortunate', man?" the bouncer asked.

"Why, I'm Handsome Squidward." Handsome Squidward said seductively and with a gleam in his eye and luscious lips.

"What kind of a fool do you take me for, man? You're Handsome Squidward, he's Handsome Squidward, he's Handsome Squidward. Hell, I'M Handsome Squidward!" the bounce said angrily, revealing his own Handsome Squidward costume. "Now kindly take your 'handsomeness' to the back of the line with all the other Handsome Squidwards."

"Look down, now back to me-" Handsome Squidward ordered the bouncer before clocking him in his false handsome face and knocking him flat. "I didn't want to get so physical, much, but you left me no other option. Sponge that's Bob, Pat that's Rick, pray follow. My audience awaits."

The party don't start until Handsome Squidward walks in, but all the partygoers don't know damn well what true handsomeness is when it comes right to their face. Everybody in attendance are just standing statuesquely until one of the false Ravishing Ones approach his handsomeness without a care in the world.

"Hey dude, your Handsome Squidward costume sucks barnacle."

"Don't you have the slightest hankering as to who I am?" Handsome Squidward asked.

"Why, you're Handsome Squidward." the false centerfold replied.

"Then you know damn well-"

"Yeah, you and everybody else in this hellhole." the false centerfold said before casually walking off and laughing.

The party's MC takes the stage with a mic in hand.

"Is everybody here feeling handsome tonight?!" the MC asked.

Everybody struck a pose in unison.

"You poor ugly things, you people."Handsome Squidward muttered to himself, posing as well.

"Good, because now it's time for our first annual Halloween Pose-Off!"

"Handsome Squidward, this is your chance to win big and win back your adoring admirers!" SpongeBob suggested.

"You're right, Bob that's Sponge. This is destiny calling my name!"

And with two winks and a fart, Handsome Squidward ascended to the stage with four other false squid idols.

"On your marks, get set, POSE!" the MC yelled, commencing the Pose-Off.

They all belted out their finest five second poses, but Handsome Squidward's mere first pose literally blew his competition off the stage. Everybody in attendance popped boners and cherries in unison, the party was getting wetter at the seams. It soon dawned on everyone that this was the genuine article.

"HANDSOME! HANDSOME! HANDSOME!" the partygoers chanted.

"I think we know who our winner is!" The MC stated. "Handsome Squidward!"

Handsome Squidward took the mic out of the MC's hand from a distance and ran it across his luscious lips.

"Never in all my years have I ever seen something like this. Pretenders to my throne, thinking they can simply throw on a costume and put themselves on a high pedestal as I have. It disgusts me more than having to deal with your collective ugliness on a daily basis."

Some of the partygoers were quick to remove their costumes while one of them asked, "You mean we're not handsome?"

"You? HANDSOME? Let may lay it down on you all, hard. Jared Padalecki's handsome. Jensen Ackles is handsome. Why, I'm handsome. You all? You're so not sexy. Alright, lets reach the climax."

Handsome Squidward proceeded to belt out one final five second pose, bringing everyone to their knees as fireworks spontaneously shot out around him, making Halloween look much like the 4th of July because will you just look at him? Everyone reached their climax as the party had reached its climax. His Handsomeness was high on his pedestal once again.

"Happy Handsomeween!"

[Old Man Jenkins]

Better handsomely late than never.

Happy You're Welcomesgiving

It was November 27th one day in the undersea tenements of Bikini Bottom. The people down here only had one thing to be thankful for, and that's where our story begins today...

The playful and impressionable SpongeBob SquarePants trotted on over next door to Handsome Squidward's equally devilishly handsome easter island head house, making sure to step on each wooden step leading to the front door so as to not dare leave blemish on Handsome Squidward's equally as flawless lawn. He knocks on the door.

"Handsome Squidward! HANDSOME SQUIDWARD-I-ARRRD!" the ugly sea sponge belted out with his none too arousing vocal chords.

The front door opened not for Spongebob, but for Handsome Squidward, who out of the kindness of his arteries, decided to once again grace us with his presence after a little more than a year.

"Sponge that's Bob, what is the reason for you to interrupt my year long beauty sleep?" Handsome Squidward asked with attractive disdain.

"Why Handsome Squidward, it's Thanksgiving." Spongebob replied. "The one time of year when we all express about what we're truly thankful for!"

"I have nothing to be thankful for, SpongeBob." Handsome Squidward scoffed, causing a an entire Curves full of women getting a head start on shedding that turkey fat to go off.

Shocked, Spongebob asked, "How could you possibly not be thankful for anything?!"

"Because Pants that's Squared, I was handed not one thing by anyone or anything."

"YOU WEREN'T?"

"Do you think I was given these handsome good looks?"

"Well, I sorta cracked you in the face with a door, yeah."

"Let me take you back in time, to a time when colonial garbs were totally sexy and I'll show you just why the only thing you physically less fortunate should be thankful for is me."

And with a flick of his sexual suction cups, we are whisked back to the late 1700s. The handsome squids fled the ugly of the old world in droves in order to find solace and paradise in a much more attractive new world for them to inhabit and cause others to spontaneously get the urge pro-create. They scoured the Indian Ocean, eventually coming across the seemingly uninhabited undersea floor known as Bikini Bottom underneath the seemingly uninhabited island of Bikini Atoll.

And how exactly is he sailing a ship backwards, you may be wondering? Well, will you just LOOK AT EM. They would soon come across some of the natives. The natives were also stricken with a vicious outbreak of The Ugly. The handsome squids saw them only as savages and was willing to pose for ten whole seconds in order to win the land. But alas, The Ugly couldn't contained or driven and while they could easily pull it off forever, the handsome squids couldn't simply strike ten second poses forever. The handsome squids decided to make peace with the savages by offering them a makeover by bashing them in the face with blunt objects but it only killed off half the savages in the end. With the decrease in numbers, the remaining savages were driven away on the trail of a day without tears.

Unfortunately for the handsome squids, the ugly of this new world ironically began to overwhelm over the years. The savages would soon return home as the pioneers of legend while the increase of Ugly almost wiped the handsome squid population out to a very select few, of which Handsome Squidward is a small percentage of.

"Wow." SpongeBob tearfully responded to the story. "How awful."

"Yes, quite. We only wanted to bring the gift of physical perfection, a gift I still strive to bring you all till this day, but it got thrown back in our faces and made us more handsome. But now, only a select few remain. Some may say this is a gift, but I call it a curse."

SpongeBob placed his hand on Handsome Squidward's shoulder, "Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for all that you've given us."

"You're welcome, SpongeBob." Handsome Squidward reciprocated, finally deciding to open his dreamy eyes for the first time in over a year to gaze upon his devoted follower, but he immediately shuts them again because uglyyyy. "Sorry, but you're really not easy to look at."

"Happy You're Welcomesgiving, everyone!" SpongeBob shouted out, finally getting the moral of Handsome Squidward's tale.