"Talk Dirty" by Jason Derulo - An Album Review for His Overlord King Clappy

[Wumbo]

Um... uh... well...

 

This album isn't that bad.

 

 

Okay, okay, so it might not have been the anticipated reaction y'all were expecting.

 

 

All right, now that's just going too far! But I guess the only way I can get myself out of this is to explain myself. So here goes. This is my track-by-track review of...

 

Talk Dirty by Jason Derulo

 

A little bit of backstory on the guy first. Derulo has been a favourite whipping boy of mine in pop music. He's unabashedly stupid, unabashedly untalented, and unabashedly bashable. Listen to a song like "Whatcha Say" or "In My Head" and you'll truly see what a reprehensible excuse for an artist this man is.

 

Or is he? After all, the main exposure I get from Jason Derulo is his singles. I don't really hear the stuff that doesn't make it onto the charts because, well, I don't actively go out of my way to listen to it. So, is my, and perhaps many people's, opinion skewed slightly? The only way to find out is to look at this album.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1YwX9oRMPRk

 

And what an album it is. Let's not waste any time; let's get right down to the first few singles!

 

So we start off with his first big hit of 2014, "Talk Dirty". I lambasted this song in an earlier review of mine as lifeless, stupid, inane garbage. And while it is still stupid, inane garbage, I now think it's a little more lively than I previously gave it credit for. Derulo's never been one for the lyrics, or for the singing, but he can sure sample a catchy clip from someone else's song! I do think the sampling here is good, actually. It almost sounds like it could be a good song at the beginning. Of course, Derulo's here to shit all over the sample, so it kinda makes you think what the use is at all. And 2 Chainz... is pretty much just being 2 Chainz.

 

Okay, Hit #2 of 2014 for Derulo: "Wiggle". Now here's a song every bit as bad as when I first analyzed it. Absolutely no redeeming value. The best part of the song is Snoop Dogg, but even his lyrics aren't that great. I only value his presence on the track to give us some time away from Jason Derulo's annoying face. Every single punchline fails. Every utterance of a syllable bombs. This is a stinker.

 

...And now we get to the current bane of my existence: a song called "Trumpets".

 

 

I'm giving this one its own video in the thread, because this song... is a special kind of awful. This is the song you hear about that you wouldn't ever think could possibly be made... but somehow was. This song is the patron saint of bad music.

 

What makes it so awful? Because this is not only an objectifying, gross, stupid Jason Derulo song. This is an objectifying, gross, stupid Jason Derulo love song. And that alone makes it much, much worse than one of his blatantly gross singles. This song not only fails as a romantic song, but it shows that Derulo thinks that all of his songs as of late are romantic. and that makes me want to vomit profusely. But I'll take myself a Gravol, and get through this.

 

So by now you might be wondering, "Now wait a minute, Wumbo. I thought you liked this album!" Well, I've got two responses to that: 1. No I don't, I just don't think it's as bad as I was expecting, and 2. These three songs have only been singles that Derulo has released. We haven't gotten to any unexplored territory yet, which starts with the next song, "Bubblegum", featuring... Tyga.

 

I've... heard worse?

 

Honestly, I don't think this is too bad, especially by Derulo's standards. It's got a catchy beat, and the lyrics aren't too offensive like a lot of his other songs. Namely the three above. So, by far the best song on the album so far.

 

This next song is "Vertigo", featuring Jordin Sparks. And... this is okay, too. It's nothing spectacular from either performer. I'd rather listen to Usher and Mariah Carey, respectively. But again, it's not what you'd expect from Jason Derulo. Given what we've heard thus far, this is a really good song by his standards. But on the terms of overall standards, it's a'ight.

 

Next is "Kama Sutra", featuring Kid Ink. Kama Sutra is, for all intents and purposes in this song, sex. And while I think the melody of this song is alright in some parts (though Jason Derulo oversinging is just the worst thing), it's just nothing new. And that's a problem: all his songs, with varying degrees of competence, are about boning a chick. Whether you're a fan of this guy or not, this has to get tiresome. Kid Ink does nothing to distinguish himself, although he does better than Jason Derulo, so that's something, I guess.

 

Now here's a song called "Zipper".

 

Um...

 

This is a good song.

 

Like, not even good for Jason Derulo, this is a legitimately good song.

 

It's still a song about sex, but damn, when Jason Derulo doesn't try to oversing, we can let the other elements of the song work together. And honestly, that chorus is a banger. This is my favourite Jason Derulo song, certainly on this album. Probably the closest thing to a masterpiece that Derulo will ever get. Make of that what you will.

 

Next is a song that was a hit from 2013, called "The Other Side". I put it on the top half of my 2013 list, but may I remind you that 2013 wasn't a great year? And this actually did used to be my favourite Jason Derulo song, but then I heard "Zipper" and melted, so... this is pretty mediocre. Jason Derulo just doesn't have the talent to back up his position in the pop music world, lyrically and musically. I've heard it before, and I've heard it better. This song isn't that bad, but it's doesn't have much going for it either, other than the fact that it's not abysmal Jason Derulo.

 

Okay, so after that we have "With the Lights On", and this is exactly the kind of badness that I expect from Derulo. I don't think anything he makes will ever top "Trumpets" in badness (THAT'S NOT A CHALLENGE BY THE WAY), but it has everything that makes Jason Derulo bad. Wasted beats, bad punchlines, and awful voice contorting. Also, why do you want to "freak her with the lights on", anyway? Granted, it's better than saying that she looks better with the lights off, but it's still an odd request. Oh well, we're almost done here.

 

Second-to-last song is called "Stupid Love", which by its title alone sums up a lot of Derulo's work, I'd think. But... honestly? This is almost as good as "Zipper". You heard it here first: two legitimately good songs on a Jason Derulo album.

 

So in case I haven't pissed off Clappy enough with this review, is it wrong for me to say that this reminds me of Justin Timberlake?

 

 

Seriously though. It's not up to par with any Timberlake song. It's still got some stupid lyrics. But the stuff that works really works! That guitar, that "dum ba da dee ba dum", the way that the "dum" has a second meaning of "dumb". This has a lot going for it! Also, Jason Derulo admitting he's stupid is a nice plus.

 

Okay, now we have "Marry Me". This is usually the hit that even Derulo haters have a soft spot for. Myself? It's okay, I guess. Derulo's still not a crooner, but he's at least trying his damnedest here. It doesn't make me want to retch, so it's a solid finisher.

 

And that's Talk Dirty by Jason Derulo. So, would I buy the album? No, I definitely wouldn't. But is it completely worthless? Well... not really.

 

Truth be told, I actually enjoy doing these album reviews, because sometimes I feel like I'm being too harsh on a musician, but their singles are just so bad I can't help it. Doing something like this helps me to get a better picture of an artist. I still think Jason Derulo is, overall, bad. But even he has the potential to make a decent song every once in a while. I'd recommend listening to "Zipper" and "Stupid Love", but not much more beyond that. The rest ranges from just okay to just plain bad, and "Trumpets" is one of the worst songs I've ever heard in my life. That's right, it's one  of the big ones. So overall, I guess I'll give it a... 4/10. Not completely worthless, but its good points are few and far between, and its bad points just kill the album before it gets to the good stuff.

 

And now y'all know I enjoy making these reviews, so it won't feel like you're torturing me anymore! HA!

 

Now commence the booing again.

 

 

Ah, now that's the music I like to hear. Discontent.

[SG19]

You mean the saxophone in "Talk Dirty" was sampled?

 

[Joe Biden]

Are you fucking kidding me?! They sampled that sax line from another song?! Everything I know is wrong. So I'm just gonna forget the words and sing along.

 

[Clappy]

I have had the displeasure of listening to many of these songs before. None of them are passable and Jason DeRulo's "comeback" so to speak is just baffling. I will give you credit. A couple of the songs you've mentioned in here I am tempted to give a shot. Good review regardless.