CyanideFishbone

I hate to be that guy, but Butch Hartman's Kickstarter just sounds like a complete disaster. I'm skeptical that it'll get off the ground though. Also Oaxis is a really stupid name, just saying

I literally have no idea what to do about my life right now. It's just so boring and nothing. Nothing interesting ever happens anymore, and I just, blah. I hate high school, and i hate my life right now so much. I can't take this much longer.

I think it's hilarious that Ishida from Bleach's theme song is Idioteque by Radiohead. Ishida's completely the type of dude to listen to Radiohead.

I will never get over the fact the guy who voiced The Brain on Arthur in the early 2000's is now a far-right political commentator and also the guy in the "change my mind" meme

I'm back. Was away from Friday to now for a convention. Had a lot of fun, but it feels good to be back.

I'm going on vacation tomorrow so I'll probably be gone for about 2 weeks. In case i don't come back, Merry Christmas and happy New Year's you guys!

I'm leaving to go on vacation to California for 2 weeks tomorrow, so I should be less active.

If it ever gets to the point where there is a Western Fullmetal Alchemist live action adaptation, Tom Selleck NEEDS to play King Bradley or I won't watch it. Those two look the exact same.

Isn't it great knowing some of your friends don't care about you anymore and are openly hanging out with each other without me? (:

It's been a long time coming, and I've went back and forth on whether or not I want to do so, but I think I finally feel ready and safe to say that I'm gonna take a backseat from SBC. Things won't really be changing much since I've been fairly inactive since summer of 2018, and I'll still be on from time to time (I actually check the site fairly regularly, I just feel like I never post at all), and I'll be on the Discord still. Also if any of y'all wanna follow me on some of my more private social media (like Instagram or Snapchat) I'm totally cool with that; just DM me if you're interested (I'll still be checking the site like at least once a week), because I just don't feel particularly comfortable publicly giving out social media like that. 

As much as I love the pre movie episodes my interest in modern Spongebob and it's future is pretty much nonexistent and while things are gonna get grim, I gotta be honest. Since I wanna say around September/October 2018, my mental health has taken a pretty bad decline. A lot of it deals especially with dealing with some things going on in my family in regards to my sister's mental health (which she has made a big improvement in, and also something I've been upfront about making me depressed), my school life, and coming to terms with a lot of stuff in regards to growing up and just adolescence in general. Never really realized how much genuine trauma I have from middle school, which were the worst years of my life, until like over a year ago.

A lot of this reached a head during the lockdown. Actually... literally right before lockdown (December 2019-February 2020) I was doing the best I had done in years, possibly ever. I actually felt confident in myself, was talking to people despite my crippling social anxiety.... and it all kinda went straight to shit slightly before lockdown hit. Not a lot of people know this, but I had a very unfortunate run in with university cops in mid-February, where I was threatened to be kicked out of university and maybe arrested under possession of drug paraphernalia. Not saying where I go to uni to protect my privacy because I don't wanna end up behind bars but I used to smoke weed really late at night on campus in the woods. Not a smart idea, please don't do it guys (not weed, just smoking it on campus). Anyway I also started buying CBD too when I ran out which I would also smoke, and I had a drawstring bag in my dorm (now at home) which basically had everything to let me smoke; two pipes, a grinder, lighter, rolling tray, a nug jug, and a thing of rolling paper. One night I was smoking when I saw a white van pass, carried on my business because I was doing CBD which is legal where I live, until they went back and started asking me, did the traditional questioning, did a pat down because in the eyes of American law enforcement doing any sort of thing resembling drugs automatically makes you a school shooter, and made me remove everything from my drawstring bag. 

CW: sexual harassment (this paragraph, and next)

These cops were serious dickheads. When asked about why I used CBD, I said to help anxiety (wasn't lying), and they basically went on to mock me using it, saying how there's "safer outlets"; really the only risk I'm running is to my lungs which is whatever, and it's legal and even if it wasn't, let me make my own decisions. Anyway, after the pat down, after everything was removed from my pockets, they wanted to check for weapons again, and the cop who was frisking me proceeded to... put his hand down the back of my jeans, and basically in other words.... tickle the upper part of my butt over my underwear. One of the cops sexually harassed me; it made me insanely uncomfortable, and this was POST patdown, everything was out of my pockets, the hoodie I was wearing was off and on the hood of their car. After that, they proceeded to make me smash all my pipes against a rock as they delightfully watched, and throw my rolling tray and grinder into a nearby river from a point where I wouldn't be able to reach it ever. It was a really cold night so they let me go as long as I got rid of most of my stuff; I still had my lighter, nug jug (which funnily enough was the only thing I had on me that had weed on the jug but they didn't give a shit because cops suck), and rolling paper- and had to buy everything else again. Didn't have to worry about the pipes because I invested in a bong right when lockdown hit (which was an insanely smart idea, probably the best purchase I've made all year), and bought another grinder this summer and only bought another rolling tray about two/three weeks ago. Anyway I basically went back to my dorm, waited for my roommate to come back, told a lot of my closest friends, and cried my fucking eyes out that night.

A lot of what I'm feeling just reached a major head during lockdown, a culmination of what I've been feeling a lot of, which a lot of it is really private and I don't really feel comfortable talking to many people at all about. But to add insult to injury, and something I've told no one, I uncovered a pretty traumatic repressed memory from my childhood this summer, involving me being... coincidentally, sexually harassed by a group of teenage boys who would regularly torment me on vacation... I was never raped or molested but I'll just put it at that they basically cornered me on the neighborhood park and forced me to show them... I'll just say what's in my pants because they thought it would be funny. I was about six or seven when it happened, felt disgusting after it happened, and just repressed it for years. It really really took it's toll on me during August and September, and for most of the time at lockdown, I just avoided everyone and everything because I was depressed. Even my own parents who are sweet and supportive as fuck and I feel awful because of it. I was super angsty, grumpy, and just not fun at all to be around. My mental health started to get a bit better after moving back to uni mid-August and getting a bit more independence but I was a shitty friend and son for like all of summer who just really wouldn't want to talk to anyone at all. I feel insanely shitty about it, but I've been getting more social again (albeit I've been way less social then I've normally been for a while now because of depression) and my parents are cool with me, and told me how they loved having me during quarantine before I went back to uni, which was a silver lining because maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought I was. I was mainly just super reclusive and just really quiet around my parents, but I guess I'm usually a pretty quiet guy.

Anyway a lot of this reached a head in mid-October where I just kind of broke down one day, started experiencing pretty bad bouts of anhedonia, frustration, anger, and what not and that's when I finally put my foot down and decided to seek help because of how tired I am of living like this. And I'm seeing a therapist in December for the first time. And with Biden winning, I'm hoping (but not counting on it) corona will get a little better in the US, things are finally starting to seem bright again. Really admitting I had a problem made me feel so much better, and knowing that I was gonna get help. And even if it doesn't work (which I really don't think it won't work) at least I tried. The future is starting to look somewhat bright for me, thank god. I've contemplated making a more detailed post/video about what's been going on but I feel satisfied with this because a lot of what I'm feeling is pretty private. But I guess the short of it is my social anxiety (I have Asperger's) is insanely bad. Besides like cashiers and people I have to talk to like that I freeze up pretty much whenever I talk to anyone my age, who I feel like I don't relate to most of which at all, but it's especially bad with girls, jesus christ. I freeze up so goddamn bad. And I've asked out a ton of girls in the past and I'm having a harder time talking to girls as I'm getting older which is all sorts of bizarre. And a big reason I'm sad, and I know how stupid and incelish this sounds, is because I'm 19 (20 in April) and I've never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend, and never want past that. I just feel so left out, and alienated from everyone and I have for pretty much all of high school despite having some friends (some of which I'm admittedly having problems with, but a good share I'm still tight with and are good people). I'm just sick of this shit, and I've been feeling it for goddamn years now. And it needs to change. Because I don't like myself at all and I hate it. Because I know I'm worth it, and I know people love me and think I'm a good guy.

Two last things; another big reason for my absence and my further absence has just been school. As I've said, I'm at uni and juggling a regular sized class load, and other interests have taken up way more of my free time than going on here- just the way it is, unfortunately. So that's why I've been way more absent especially since starting my freshman year. But I've still made time to come on here, but that's why I haven't been posting a lot; I'm mostly on here to check up with y'all, but I guess that could also do with the fact that I just haven't been very social at all recently.

Last thing is I'm sorry for how I treated a lot of people here back in 2014-2015. Middle school me was the worst. I was dealing with the aftermath of some pretty awful shit in seventh grade that led to me trying to take my life (I'm here now, and I'm gonna get better now ofc) and I just became an edgy, obnoxious, pretentious little shit because of it and I criticized a lot of music insanely unfairly and was just a fucking asshole to a lot of people... because I was honestly an asshole in real life and I just didn't know any better. I've already done so before, but I especially want to apologize to @Clappy, who honestly got the worst of it in retrospect. A lot of my criticisms, especially regarding Paramore (have actually enjoyed their music for 3 or so years now at this point), were insanely biased and I was just hating on things that were popular and loved because I was a pretentious little shit. I'm so sorry, guys. Unfortunately some of the most active years I've had on here were the years where I just acted the worst. I don't wanna just apologize to Clappy, but everyone who was involved in my awful music criticism and overall douchery. So sorry. I've grown up a lot since those years (and especially in the last two years I've grown up a lot) and I'm far from a perfect person, but goddamn it, I'm trying.

And that's really that. I fluctuated between making this post a ton and whether I should take a backseat, but I'm gonna to focus on both my mental health and school. Thanks to everyone who's been a great friend, and thanks to everyone who put up with me when I was at my worst. But I need to focus on the real world for a while. Maybe I'll be back soon and I'll feel able to do so, and I hope so. But recently I just haven't been active and besides my occasional visit, I'm just gonna take a backseat. Obviously, if any of y'all wanna stay in contact with me, I'm all arms. I'll still be on Discord and if you wanna know me better personally, feel free to DM me for any of my more personal social media (and you can DM me on Discord too)

Until then, sayonara, 再见 (actually been learning Chinese since first semester freshman year), adios, what have ya. I'll be back, but I got a lot I need to focus on now.

Sincerely,

-Ryan (CyanideFishbone)

It's been a long time since an update, so I guess there's no time like the present to give one. 

I don't wanna jinx myself but I think 2021 might finally be the year I turn things around. I have therapy every week and I'm finally really starting to feel the positive effects of it- I'm no longer quite as lonely, angry, and my moods have been a lot better. But more than that, I'm finally starting to actually break out of my shell. I'm still pretty anxious in new social situations, but nowhere as bad as it was even a year ago when it gave me borderline anxiety attack levels of anxiety.

The thing I realized is I was fine approaching people as a kid, before middle and high school, which IDK if I've opened up about it much on here, but both absolutely wrecked my self-esteem, which in turn wrecked my social skills. I blamed it on Aspergers for so long which is part of it but the fear of rejection is what it really was. I was so scared to share my interests IRL for so long and it's no longer like that because I know realize I'm no longer around judgmental and fake people who treated me like dead weight. Those people still exist at my school, sure- but I'm not associated with any of them. I'm also a college radio DJ now, so I've joined an on campus community where I feel supported and respected for the first time in years. 

Part of me honestly doesn't know what to say. Not even a year ago, even last semester, if I had a way to off myself without hurting myself or my loved ones, I would've done it without thinking twice. Emerging adulthood and depression can suck, y'all. But it's better now. Me and my roommate are getting our own place next semester, and really, the meat of it is I'm breaking out of my shell for what truly feels like the first time. Far gone are the ham-fisted middle school days of trying to talk to girls and failing. I just want to thank everyone, be it IRL or here, for longing with me. It's been a rough transition from edgy "I hate everything" 2015 me on here to a more mature, adult me now. I've got a long way to go but I can do it. I'm worth it, and I can make it. I'm not perfect but no one is. I've got a lot of growing to do but everyone does, and I've been working on said process right now. I really don't want to jinx myself but I think things are finally turning around.

I want everyone struggling who is reading this to know I stand by you and that stuff does get better. It's said ad nauseam at this point that it's kinda lost a lot of it's meaning, but god darn it, it's something I believe in. I don't want to dictate what is mentally healthy/therapeutic for everyone but therapy is really making a massively positive impact in my life. I also got my vaccine yesterday which is pretty cool, and I've been working out recently and I'm starting to lose a bit of weight and am starting to feel a bit better about my body. I'm tired of letting people push me around, and I'm ready to stand up for myself if said stuff happens. I have my bad days, but things are noticeably better than they were even 4 months ago. I'm still not super super active but that's mostly as I'm juggling college. I just wanted to say that I've been doing a lot better, and I hope you guys are doing well, and if you're not, I want you to know I have your back and that stuff does get a lot better.

-Ryan
 

It's my final day of summer vacation. Fun......

Just as a reminder:

13 years ago, Kanye West said "George Bush doesn't care about black people". The heck happened? Screw Kanye and Trump.

Just came home from My Hero Academia: Two Heroes, me and three other good friends had a boy's night. Awesome awesome movie, everyone in the crowd was so hyped, me included. 

Just finished the first season of King Of The Hill.

Best episodes: "Luanne's Saga", "Westie Side Story", "Shins of the Father", "Peggy The Boggle Champ", "Plastic White Female" (absolute best of the season is in bold, and I'd like to give an honorable mention to "Hank's Got The Willies" for just barely making it)

Worst episodes: None of them were bad really, but I found "The Order of the Straight Arrow" pretty dull. 

Just gonna put this out there: for a year or so I've been juggling the idea of making a video (just an unlisted Youtube video of myself talking) about where I've been; because at this point, explaining everything that's been going on since my decline in activity has been going on too long that I just can't make a post explaining it all.

Also been contemplating all year creating a review blog where I review every episode of Regular Show for it's 10th anniversary, only problem is I've been pretty busy with school since I got back mid-August, but I think I can fit it in. I don't wanna sour the mood, but I've been having a really unexpectedly tough week emotionally after two/three weeks where I actually felt decent so expect that sometime soon.

Just got back from California. Sorry about the absence. Had a lot of fun though! It's about 2 am here so I'm about to go to bed though.

Just moved into college. I was honestly super nervous the days leading up to it but I'm way less nervous now. I also know my roommate from high school which is nice.

Just realized it's been seven years here since Sunday. I've wanted to talk about this for a while but never really knew how to phrase it or if I wanted to say it at all but I really do feel bad about my decreased activity. This last year has been ungodly hard for me and my entire family and from juggling being a college student, mental health, and personal interests it's been a bit difficult to be on here. But I want to keep going on here and I've made a habit to go on at least once a day because I really do love y'all. I guess a lot of the time I just don't know exactly what to add but I realize I've got to start my own conversations and what not and I want to engage in your convos more too. Quick obligatory thanks for putting up with me during 2015-16 when I was an obnoxious edgelord who hated everything with a pulse haha, but also I don't want to be too hard on my former self as it really was just a part of me growing up although it doesn't justify it. Anyway, sorry about my decreased activity during 2019 and I'm trying to make an effort to be here more. I really do love you guys.

-Ryan

Just saw Bohemian Rhapsody for one of my best friends's birthday. It was alright, but I had fun with my friends and that's all that counts. We also played Smash Ultimate for 5 hours straight beforehand so I feel like my eyes are gonna pop out of my head.

just thinking about how me and my cousin have seen every episode of the nutshack

Just want to let everyone know I'm still here. September has been crazy, that's all really. Been busy with my first semester of college mostly, and my sister is undergoing therapy at a residence about two hours away, and she's doing great which of course is fantastic.

King Of The Hill is now on Hulu, so I'm finally watching it for the first time. I've been meaning to do this for a long time.

King Of The Hill Season 10

The Best

"Hank's On Board", "Orange You Sad I Did Say Banana?", "Church Hopping", "The Texas Panhandler", "Edu-macating Lucky" (quick honorable mentions to "Harlottown", "Business Is Picking Up", and "24 Hour Propane People")

The Worst

Welp, here we are, "Hank's Bully" is the first episode of this show I consider to be terrible. Also worth noting it's the 200th episode. What a way to celebrate that milestone, guys.

Notes:

-Yeah honestly I'm really starting to enjoy Lucky's presence. It's pretty clear he was added to pump more new life into the show, but I really don't mind as long as that character is enjoyable and doesn't really ruin anything, and Lucky is the both. Also Tom Petty puts on a great performance so hats off to him. RIP.

-I really do hate Hank's Bully. Especially because of how unbelievably insufferable Caleb is. There's a term thrown around a lot in the review community on how to "make characters annoying to the characters and not the audience", which is hard to do but very true, and man, they failed spectacularly doing that with Caleb. Sheesh.

-I forget if I said it in my Season 9 notes but god I love how they brought back Hank's "BWAAAAAAAH" that kind of got forgotten around seasons 6-8. It's definitely my favorite Hank Hill-ism, I could listen to it all day. It never fails to crack me up.

King Of The Hill Season 11:

The Best

"serPUNT", "Hank Gets Dusted", "The Passion of Dautrieve", "Grand Theft Arlen", "Lucky's Wedding Suit" (honorable mentions to "Glen Peggy Glen Ross", "Peggy's Gone To Pots", "Bill, Bulk, and The Boddy Buddies")

The Worst

This is the shortest season of the series I'm pretty sure, so no really bad episodes but Luanne Gets Lucky's B-plot is absolutely awful. Easily the worst content I've seen on the show so far. It's wrong on so many levels. It's just creepy in how straight it's all played, and why is Peggy encouraging Luanne? I get Peggy doesn't like Lucky but she wouldn't go this far and she's not being naive and she's knowing full-well what Luanne is doing. But that's another rant for another time.

Notes:

-Kinda wanted "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" to put it on honorable mentions, but it barely made it because I felt like I had already too many episodes as honorable mentions. Still a pretty good episode with a great A-plot and B-plot, especially the B-plot with Kahn's unbelievably futuristic nephew and Dale thinking he's been transported to the future. The A-plot is basically "Nancy Boys" in reverse, except with the status quo. But the status quo isn't always a bad thing and certainly not here.

-Yes. Keep it up with the BWAAAAAAAAHs. That stuff absolutely cracks me up for some reason. I kind of miss how theatrical in a sense they were in the earlier seasons, especially when used as act breaks, but I ain't complaining. 

-Lucky's Wedding Suit was intended to be the series finale. Not a bad episode at all to go on, but we'll see when I get around to the real finale which episode seems better as an ending episode. I smell a comparison journal entry, perhaps?

-Luanne Gets Lucky's B-plot is terrible. It's creepy, goes against Peggy's character, it's uncomfortable, unnecessary and such a..... strange choice for a B-plot. I don't think the whole prom conceit is a bad one, but they should've saved it for another episode and not have gone with Luanne, a 20-something girl dating a 15-year old. Luanne's not very bright, but why does she never question this? Why does the kid never question this, is he that horny? Why is Peggy perfectly okay with this? They should've done a B-plot where Peggy showed Luanne there's other guys out there besides Lucky out of Peggy's dislike for him. It's a little by the numbers, but it makes sense a million times more than this drivel. 

-Grand Theft Arlen is such a great episode. "Pro-Pain" is absolutely brilliant. Hank becoming addicted to a GTA clone is a great set up and they did a stellar job providing a logical way for him to get interested. Tons of laughs in this one too, probably the most of this entire season. "I married a MAN, Hank, not a...... gamer.". Only thing I have a problem with is I kinda doubt those kids could fully program a game like Pro-Pain, but I'm really just being a nitpicky butt.

-Didn't expect to like Hank Gets Dusted as much as I did. Definitely the other funniest episode of this season along with Grand Theft Arlen. I also don't like ZZ Top at all but I thought the member in this episode did a great job and I love how they made him Hank's in-universe cousin. I just adore the conceit of the no-nonsense Hank getting put on a prank reality show against his wishes and it proves pretty darn funny. The ending with Dusty making up with Hank can be seen from a mile away, but it's still satisfying and that's all that matters honestly.