Nautical Nonsense

[Old Man Jenkins]

Plot: SpongeBob SquarePants. Fry Cook. Student Driver. Jellyfisher. Psychopath.

Warning: This story contains scenes of a graphic nature, involving: rape, torture, mass-murder of animals and humans alike, sadism, and masochism.

Prologue: Hip To Be Square

The scene opens up as the sunrise dawns on Bikini Atoll. It shines ever so brightly on a certain pineapple under the sea. A yellow sea sponge awoke to the sound of his alarm clock wailing, booming for him to wake up. He rose from his slumber to shut it off. He looked out his window to the sight of Mr. Sun smiling down at Him. Mr. Sun descended towards his window to tell the porous young sponge something.

Mr. Sun: It's gonna be a good one just wait and see!

He gave the sponge a wink and the sponge winked back from the intense sunlight emanating in his room. The sponge jumped out of bed and he ran outside in his underwear, feeling most excited ecstatic-fied.

The excessive noise the sponge was making in doing so awoke his next door neighbor, Squidward Tentacles, who should be used to this morning routine right now but isn't.

Squidward: Neptune, kill me now.

It also woke up his other neighbor, the impressionable Patrick Star, who rose from his rock to check out on all the ruckus.

Patrick: Is it time already to ruin Squidward's day? Hold on SpongeBob! Don't start without me!

He plopped back into his rock before immediately popping back out in a tuxedo and top hat.

SpongeBob: Not quite yet, Patrick, but since we're already risen and shining, what's the harm in getting an early start? I still need to get freshened up. You get him all warmed up and I'll go in for the kill.

SpongeBob told Patrick with glee.

Patrick: The kill!

Patrick turned and ran towards Squidward's house.

Patrick: Hey Squidward!

Squidward: Go away!

SpongeBob ran back into his pineapple and turned on his radio, which was tuned to a news alert. He steps into the shower as it plays.

Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here, reporting live from the Sanderson residence, the scene of yet another set of gruesome murders. This along with somewhat different yet somewhat similar string of other murders has local law enforcement on edge. In a statement issued by the Bikini Bottom Police Department, Chief Al Priss says that "we have not yet come up with a nickname for this piece of barnacle, but we'll come up with something as more light (and blood) is shed on this sick individual." You are listening to KRUV, home of your favorite you-won't-be-getting-away-with-my-car hits!

"Hip To Be Square" by Huey Lewis & The News plays on the station.

Song: I used to be a renegade, I used to fool around But I couldn't take the punishment, and had to settle down

SpongeBob steps out of his shower and approaches the bathroom sink and mirror. He brushes his teeth thoroughly, rinses and repeats the process for his eyeballs.

"I start off every morning just washing every nightly thing away with a nice, warm shower. Then I go about cleaning up parts of my body that you can't normally get to in the shower, or at all. I use Fishpaste brand toothpaste for my everyday oral hygienics. I also find it to be rather useful in keeping your eyes less irritable and susceptible for redness."

Song: Now I'm playing it real straight, and yes I cut my hair

He takes out a razor and some shaving cream in order to shave the light shadow off his face. He then takes a pair of scissors in order to cut off a pimple that was on his nose before taking out a can of hair spray and spraying down a lone strand of hair on his head before cutting that off, as well.

"As an employee of the Krusty Krab, you're trained in keeping a neat, clean appearance in order to make yourself more, as Mr. Krabs would say, 'monetarily approachable' to the clientele or as we say we like to call them, 'the krustomers', or as Mr. K likes to call them, 'me money', or as my co-worker likes to call them, 'the bane of my existence', or as I like to call them, 'the robots'."

Song: You might think I'm crazy, but I don't even care Because I can tell what's going on

He then proceeds to pluck out all his eyelashes before reinserting new eyelashes in their place. He takes out some patented Sponge Gloss and smears it all over his body. The gloss settles in on his skin until it sparkles and glistens. He stares at himself blankly in the mirror before taking out a bottle of prescription "happy pills" from the medicine cabinet and downs a couple with some water before smiling real wide at himself in the the mirror.

"I take extra care in removing every last eyelash wish I have on the daily before carefully replacing it with new ones since Patrick borrowed my mascara and hasn't returned it since. I discovered this great gloss that really helps bring out some nice, needed and added sheen on an otherwise porous and absorbent body such as mine. After all at the Krusty Krab, cleanliness is next to krustiness."

Song: It's hip to be square!

SpongeBob trots his way downstairs in his underwear to the kitchen where he prepares a bowl of ice cream for breakfast. He looks through his freezer, sifting past the disembodied realistic fish head inside. He is disappointed to find that he has no ice cream but goes about squirting some ketchup into the bowl and some chopped onions.

Song: I like my bands in business suits, I watch them on TV I'm working out most everyday and watching what I eat

SpongeBob: Now all it needs is just one more ingredient!

He looks into his food cabinet to find only a jar of peanuts and some cherries.

SpongeBob: Peanuts? Cherries? Boring.

He opens up his fridge and checks the meat drawer. He pulls a tongue out from it and shuts the fridge door.

SpongeBob: And the pickles are already underneath it! Can't forget those!

He takes it over to his bowl and proceeds to chop it into his 'ice cream', as well.

"I try and keep myself on a strict diet, being a fry cook means I'm around all sorts of greasy, fried foods. Being a cook, I also try to be a bit more creative with my meals. I try to experiment many new things. I find that tongues in general give off more flavoring and an overall better taste. Who knows, I might just come across my own secret formula one of these days."

Song: I know that it's crazy I know that it's nowhere But there is no denying that, it's hip to be square!

SpongeBob consumes his breakfast before hitting the weight room. A large poster saying "I ❤ PAIN" adorns the weight room as well as his top of the line stuffed animal weight set. He performs some stoutness exercises consisting of a weird combination of squats and jumping jacks.

SpongeBob: HUP! HOO! HUP! HOO! HUP! HOO! HUP! HOO!

He then gets on the bench and presses his stuffed animal barbell a whole one and a half times before curling two stuffed bear dumbbells at the same time. He slams the stuffed bears to the ground, squeaking as they make impact. He checks himself out in the mirror for a bit at his "results".

"I've set myself up a very rigorous workout regimen. A sponge must be his spongiest, after all. My stoutness exercises work the main core of my body exceedingly well, every part of my body just becomes that much more stronger each time I finish just those alone. My homemade, state of the art weight set is specially designed to push my body beyond its usual limits. For what it's worth, one a half is a new personal record for me."

Song: Its hip to be a square! Its hip to be a square! So hip to be a square!

SpongeBob finishes working up his daily drop of sweat. He then trots to his bedroom upstairs, running past and taking a moment to admire the awards he has in his awards closet. He digs through his closet and finds himself torn between which of his many identical pairs of square pants he shall wear today. After about ten minutes of decision making, he finally settles and slaps on a pair. He ties on his shoes and tie. He puts on a suit jacket and top hat that are similar to the ones Patrick was wearing, as well. He adjusts his cuff links as he stares blankly out out his bedroom window towards Squidward's house.

"After my body has been rigorously tested, I take some time out of my morning schedule to...admire all the awards that I have received for my achievements and contributions towards making Bikini Bottom a more better, wholesome place to live in. I like to think of myself as an upstanding citizen of society, but at the same time, I don't want to give anyone the impression that I'm all uptight and can't let loose. I can't simply be one over the other, so I try to mesh those two sides of me well together."

Song: It's not too hard to figure out, you see it everyday And those that were the farthest out have gone the other way You see them on the freeway, It don't look like a lot of fun But don't you try to fight it; "An idea who's time has come!"

"But I'm also well aware of people's opinions of me. I know my neighbor and co-worker hates my guts. I know my boating school teacher hates me just as much, possibly even more. I know my boss merely sees me as a means to make some easy excess cash. I know my best friend simply uses me majority of the time. I know my family uses me just as much, throwing their weight on me, all while keeping me on a tight leash, yet loose enough to keep me as far away from them as possible. The people of this town whore me out for help, but are easy to up and turn on me at a moments notice. And I just deal with it all with a smile."

Song: Don't tell me that I'm crazy! Don't tell me I'm nowhere! Take it from me!

SpongeBob's pupils widen as he continues staring at Squidward's house.

"There is an idea of a SpongeBob Squarepants, some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me. Only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel a spongy substance gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."

Song: It's hip to be a square!

"But perhaps I'm getting a bit too ahead of myself."

His eyes dilate back to normal and a smile curls upon his face before heading out the door.

Song: Here, There, and everywhere! Hip, Hip, so hip to be a square! Here, There, and everywhere!Hip Hip! Here, There, and everywhere! Hip, Hip, so hip to be a square! Here, There, and everywhere! Hip Hip!

[Old Man Jenkins]

Before...

Episode 1: Living in the Sunlight, Loving in the Moonlight

The episode opens up to a shot of a lone figure sitting atop and riding a a mechanical pony ride in the middle of nowhere. The figure turns out to be Patrick Star. Another figure approaches the scene, the square shape of this person being a dead giveaway.

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: Hiya Patrick! Fancy seeing you here!

Patrick: Yep.

The pony ride suddenly stops running. Patrick jerks around on it a bit, trying to get it to start running again but it stays idle.

Patrick: Aw shoot. Hey SpongeBob, do you have a quarter I could borrow?

SpongeBob dug through his pocket and took a quarter out. He bit down on the coin out of force of habit.

SpongeBob: Here ya go!

He went to hand the coin over to Patrick, but before Patrick could grab hold of the coin, SpongeBob lunges at his best friend and proceeds to drop kick the starfish off the pony ride, taking him to the ground hard.

Patrick: Hey! If you wanted a turn, you could've-

SpongeBob kicks Patrick right in his face before kicking and stomping him while's down. SpongeBob's eyes widen with blow that connects with Patrick's face. Patrick was bleeding from his eye, mouth and nose even though he doesn't have one. Teeth and blood went flying and squirting all around.

SpongeBob: You can't just "borrow a quarter" you big, pink, dipshit! But how's about I ride you instead?

SpongeBob plops down and takes a seat right on Patrick's chest, putting all his light weight on him.

SpongeBob: This one's on you, pal.

SpongeBob said with glee before lodging the jagged coin right into Patrick's left eye, almost downright gouging it out.

Patrick: AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAHHH!

Patrick screamed in pain, moving his body around in an attempt to shake SpongeBob off. SpongeBob sits atop him, unshaken, taking pleasure out of this situation by just laughing and swaying around on Patrick's writhing body, simulating riding a pony ride. SpongeBob quickly stops laughing and playing around, firmly grasping Patrick's neck in his hands. SpongeBob is somewhat shocked to find out that Patrick actually has a neck to grasp onto but he gets over the initial shock, slowly applying more and more pressure and squeezing his best friend's neck in, looking to pop off his top. Patrick's remaining eye bulges out and his faces slowly turns from pink to blue, prompting SpongeBob to raise his head up closer to his face. SpongeBob gets in closer, opening his mouth wide open and closing his eye. He places to crown of Patrick's head into his mouth and chomps down, chewing and salivating profusely. SpongeBob opens his eyes to find himself in his own room, kneeling in bed. He looks around in shock, still chewing on something. He looks down to find himself squeezing and chewing on a pillow.

SpongeBob: Hehehe...

He nervously chuckles to himself before spitting the pillow out of his mouth.

"This was the third night in the row I had this dream. Maybe the fourth...fifth? Each time involving the same person, same place, same situation. It's probably telling me something."

SpongeBob: Hmmm, hungry. Hungry. Hungry. Hungry. I know just what'll hit the spot!

"Probably."

He jumps out of bed and trots downstairs to the kitchen. He takes a look through one of his food cabinets and pulls out a jar of seanut butter and a loaf of bread. He takes a knife out from a drawer and slaps some seanut butter on a slice of bread.

SpongeBob: Needs something else. Hmmm...I know!

He trots off again for a few seconds before pulling something into the kitchen using a leash. It's a wild jellyfish, trying as hard as it can to swim away but the leash keeps it put. SpongeBob yanks hard at the leash, pulling the majestic jellyfish towards him and slamming it hard against the counter.

"I personally find it better to harvest jelly right from it's natural source instead of wasting in more ways than one by buying the mass manufactured slop they try passing off in stores."

He ties the leash tightly to a nearby stool to make sure it doesn't move away. SpongeBob tries to tickle the jellyfishes underside, but it retaliates by stinging his fingers.

SpongeBob: AAHHSSSSSSSSS! Daaaah...haha...daah...DAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Which is why I personally go out to Jellyfish Fields to net me in a couple fresh, ripe ones. I find the jelly sweeter if the Jellyfish are feeling angered and vulnerable. It takes a good jellyfish hunter to even bag one of these sweeties in, but it takes an exceptionally skilled hunter to not only capture a jellyfish but to tame it, bend it to your every whim. Of course, it's a pretty sizable red flag in the jellyfishing community and they are wild animals which may seem dangerous to most people, but that is where I dare to raise that red flag. I am just not like most people."

SpongeBob pulls his hand back and flails it in the air a bit to relieve the pain before sucking on his fingers. He grabs onto the leash again and angrily yanks it down, slamming the jellyfish against the counter again and again repeatedly until it just laid down nearly motionless. SpongeBob grabs the knife with the hand he just got stung with and uses it to cut off each of its stingers one by one, jelly spraying everywhere. The jellyfish buzzes in a frenzy as its chopped stingers flail around on the counter on their own. SpongeBob raises the knife back into the air and drives it right into it's gelatinous body. Jelly squirts all over Spongebob's face, he winces as the warm jelly makes contact before happily licking it all off his face.

SpongeBob: Now that's jeeeeeeeeeeeeelly!

He takes his knife and scrapes all the jelly he could from the dead jellyfish and lathers it against the second slice of bread he has out. He slaps the two slices together to make a sandwich and he takes bite out of it in what felt like an orgy in his mouth.

SpongeBob: Mmmm! Mmmm mmm mmm! MMMMM!

He motioned the food around slowly in his mouth, wanting this magic moment to last as long as needed. He rubbed the sandwich against his face with one hand and rubbed his face with his other bare hand. He slumped down against the counter, next to the dead jellyfish, which he also grabs with his bare hand and proceeds to rub it against his body along with the sandwich.

SpongeBob: Ooohhhh OOOOHHH! This sandwich! Sandy, where have you been all my life? Ooohoho sandy jelly...

He quickly regains composure of himself.

SpongeBob: Hmmm, thirsty. Thirsty. Thirsty. Thirsty.

He walks over to the fridge and pulls out a huge pitcher containing a red, juicy, liquid with ice. The pitcher was bigger than the fridge itself. How it fit in there is beyond me.

SpongeBob: This is an extreme thirst.

SpongeBob said in his most manly voice ever. He pours himself a cup and runs his stung fingers through the surprisingly thick liquid. He pulls them out and proceeds to run them in and around a hole on his chest where a nipple should no doubt be. He downs the cup and finishes the rest of his sandwich, moaning every bite of the way. He takes a seat on the stool and just sorta spaces off for a few minutes after finishing his midnight snack. He picks up the knife and wipes the jelly and seanut butter off of it.

SpongeBob: Hmmm, still hungry. Still hungry. Still hungry. Still hungry.

He walks over to his pants holder that helps him put on his pants.

SpongeBob: I should probably put on some pants first.

He simply walks past it in his underwear.

SpongeBob: I guess I'm not wearing any pants tonight.

SpongeBob: I'll see ya Gary, I guess.

Gary: Meo-

But SpongeBob simply stomps over his pet snail, smashing his shell into pieces and squishing Gary's slimy body in. SpongeBob pays no mind to this and just continues his way out the door. He walks aimlessly down the cold, dark, deserted road, dimly lit by spaced-apart, fading street lights.

"When I find myself craving...more, I usually just head out of the house to satisfy my cravings. Truth be told, I'm always craving more. I'm like a shark in this pond of a town I would like to call home. No matter how satisfied I may be at a moment's notice, there is just no sating this hunger. No matter how much I may...indulge myself-"

???: La la la la la!

SpongeBob heard childish frolic coming not too far from the right of him. He turned and noticed a child, a little boy, skipping his way home with a box in hand at this late hour.

Little Boy: I had four biscuits, then I ate one. Now I only have three!

"Or how little."

The little boy kept skipping along his merry way, eyes closed, until he suddenly bumped into something. He shrieked a bit as he fell to the ground. He looked up in front of him to find that it was actually someone he had bumped into.

Little Boy: I'm so sorry Mr-

The boy let out a brief yelp as SpongeBob kicks him square in the face. SpongeBob pulls the knife out from the crotch of his underpants and proceeds to throw out a clean slice through the boy's neck.

"I thought to myself, 'what the cutest little thing this boy was'. Pinchable cheeks with freckles, innocent eyes that glowed even in the dark of night, a chipper smile. Soon to be a face only his mother could love."

SpongeBob then took the knife to the boy's face, who tried to scream at the top of his lungs for help, but couldn't even muster a sound.

The scene suddenly switched to morning as the sun dawned on Conch Street. SpongeBob awoke in his bed and casually went about his daily morning routine. He stared at himself coldly in the mirror, staring a hole into his very soul. He took his prescription pills out of the medicine cabinet and downed a couple of "happy pills" with water. He kept his sights fixated on himself until he started bursting out in laughter.

SpongeBob: DAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

He trotted out of the bathroom and down the stairs, coming across what remained of Gary on the living room floor. He gasped.

SpongeBob: This again? Gary the snail, how many times do I have to teach you how to pick up after yourself?!

He swept the remains up in a dustpan and simply through the snail in the garbage.

SpongeBob: Now I have to go buy another. Boy oh boy, it sure is a good thing Mr. Krabs is making me pay him double today!

He trotted outside to greet his neighbors.

SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward-i-arrrrrrd!! Are you ready to go to work today, buddy?!

Squidward approached his window.

Squidward: SpongeBob, is it really necessary to wake me up and keep me awake FOUR HOURS BEFORE EITHER OF OUR SHIFT STARTS?

SpongeBob: You know what they say, Squidward, early to bed early to rise!

SpongeBob shouts out as he wiggles his limbs and dances in place.

Squidward: I can't keep living like this.

Squidward says in despair.

Squidward: SpongeBob, you're gonna be the death of me! You're gonna come trotting on out here one of these days calling for me, only to find out that I'm never gonna answer!

He retreats back into his room before popping his head back out briefly.

Squidward: AGAIN! I wish Neptune strikes me down, or by Neptune, I'll do myself the favor!

Squidward slams his window shut. SpongeBob slowly stops wiggling his limbs and dancing and just looks on at Squidward's house with a smile on his face and a gleam in his eye.

SpongeBob: Be careful what you wish for, Squidward!

"Go ahead, big nose. Do this town a real service and punch your own ticket out of here, you may just save me the trouble of punching it for you."

The scene switches to a shot of another house not too far away. Inside, a woman wakes up in bed next to what is probably her husband. She looks at him lovingly before shuffling around, looking to get up out of bed, but she finds that a box has been placed on a night stand next to her. A note sat on top of the box. She looked it over.

Bed Lady: "To Mom & Dad, here are those biscuits I promised! Happy anniversary, love Billy." Awww, breakfast in bed? How thoughtful- OH DEAR NEPTUNE!

She opened the box to find only three biscuits. And what looked to be her son's head.

[Old Man Jenkins]

Episode 2: Can You Spare A Dime?

The episode picks up where it almost previously left off, with SpongeBob standing, staring up at Squidward's Easter Island head home, smiling and cheeks perking. After gazing menacingly for two and a half more minutes, he finally approached Patrick's rock, knocking on it with his right foot so he WON'T FORGET IT! The rock rose up from the ground and there, stuck to its underside, was Spongebob's "best friend forever."

SpongeBob: Hi Patrick!

SpongeBob yelled at the top of his lungs in order to further annoy Squidward.

Patrick: Hi SpongeBob!

Patrick yelled out as well, joining in.

SpongeBob: Hey Patrick!

Patrick: Yeah!

SpongeBob: DAHAHAHAHA!

Patrick: UHUHUHUHUH!

SpongeBob: DAHAHAHAHA!

Patrick: UHUHUHUHUH!

They both proceed to run around Squidward's house, chasing and laughing at each other all while trampling over Squidward's plants. They play leapfrog on his front lawn, build a bubble stand from scratch, creating a loud ruckus, and blowing lewd, obscene, obnoxiously loud talking bubbles towards each other. Spongebob's pops first.

SpongeBob's Bubble: I want you to touch my no bones!

Patrick: DOHEHUHEHOHEEHUHEE!

Patrick blows a talking bubble of his own, making its way over to SpongeBob before it pops on cue.

Patrick's Bubble: I want you to brush me everywhere!

Another bubble arrives and pops near SpongeBob.

Patrick's Bubble: If you know what I mean!

A third bubble arrives.

Patrick's Bubble: Wink!

SpongeBob blows a second bubble towards Patrick.

SpongeBob's Bubble: Squidward's such a dick!

Patrick's Bubble: Squidward's nose is a dick!

SpongeBob's Bubble: DAHAHAHAHA!

Patrick's Bubble: UHUHUHUHUH!

Spongebob's Bubble: DAHAHAHAHA!

Patrick's Bubble: UHUHUHUHUH!

SpongeBob and Patrick take out their hammers again and proceed to violently dismantle the bubble stand they had just built, creating an even louder ruckus than earlier. Meanwhile, Squidward is in his bathroom taking a nice, soothing bubble bath in order to drown out the two barnacle heads outside.

Squidward: It alright, Harry, you're better than this! You're better than all of them. Just drown them out, drown them all out like the doc told you-

SpongeBob: DAHAHAHAHA!

Patrick: UHUHUHUHUH!

Squidward slowly submerges himself deeper in the tub until he was submerged completely. He remained underneath for a good couple of minutes before shooting back out like a dolphin.

Squidward: Goddammit! That's right, I can breathe underwater.

Back outside, SpongeBob and Patrick leaves Squidward's front yard littered with debris from the wrecked bubble stand. They head back towards Patrick's rock.

SpongeBob: You're my best friend in the whole neighborhood!

Patrick: Same to you, buddy, same to you!

SpongeBob: Well, I better get going to work.

Patrick: Work? What is work?

SpongeBob: DAHAHAHAHA!

Patrick: UHUHUHUHUH!

SpongeBob: Good one, Patrick.

SpongeBob wipes a tear from his eye after all the laughter.

Patrick: I mean it.

SpongeBob then leaves Patrick to his business of brushing himself everywhere out in broad daylight before going on to do a shitload of nothing for the rest of his day.

"My best friend in the whole neighborhood. What neighborhood, you retard? Our houses are the only ones here. That Patrick, so big, so pink, oh so ever the loser, the dumbest idiot it has ever been my uttermost misfortune to know."

SpongeBob trots down the road, his arms outstretched to his sides with his spatula in head and his Krusty Krew hat sitting atop his head.

"But at least he has his uses. Probably to stupid to even tell what's right from what's wrong. UHDUHOIIIEEEE!"

SpongeBob soon comes across a badly made tent of some sort, made out of a cardboard box, a shopping cart and some blankets. It was sitting near the sidewalk, at the corner of an alleyway. SpongeBob proceeded to trot pass it with the utmost of caution. He catches sight of an old vagrant, looking to be in his late 50's, sitting inside the box with a cup in hand. SpongeBob couldn't help but stop in his tracks and give this man the time of day. A worm was laying down next to the man by the cart. The whitening of the man's eye suggested he's mostly or completely blind. The worm looked up and SpongeBob and growled a bit with caution.

Vagrant: Don't suppose you-

The man let out a few coughs.

Vagrant: Have any change to spare for an old bum such as myself, sir?

SpongeBob looks down at the vagrant, gazing upon him with a blank stare. He digs through one of his pockets, takes out a dime and drops into his cup.

SpongeBob: It ain't much, but whatever gets you through the day.

Vagrant: Thank you...thank you, sir! Neptune bless you.

SpongeBob turned towards the worm, cautiously stretch his hand towards it. The worm continues to growl until SpongeBob rubs it under it's chin. The worm finally lets up and lets SpongeBob pet it before continuing on his way to work. After a few more minutes of trotting, SpongeBob finally makes it the Krusty Krab two hours early.

SpongeBob: Well, back to the old grind!

Spongebob's boss, Eugene H. Krabs, waltzes out of his office nonchalantly at the sound of Spongebob's cheerful work greeting.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBoy-A-Me-Bob! Here early again, I see?

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you should know by now that I just live for my work.

Mr. Krabs: Of course I do, lad! As do I live for the money ye work rakes in! Ar ar ar ar ar ar!

SpongeBob: Dahahahaha!

Mr. Krabs: Ar ar ar ar ar ar!

Spongebob: Dahahahaha!

Krabs wipes some tears from his eye after all the laughter.

Mr. Krabs: Arrr, alright lad that's enough-

SpongeBob continues laughing.

Mr. Krabs: Boy, it wasn't THAT funny-

SpongeBob's laughter kept going on and on.

Mr. Krabs: Grrrr, git to your grill and make me me money!

SpongeBob: Aye aye, Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob shouted out with the utmost of loyalty before back flipping into his workstation through the cashier window, but Krabs grabs him before he could make it all the way through the window.

Mr. Krabs: Wait one condescending minute here! Where in the briny deep is Mr. Squidward!

SpongeBob: Why I tried getting him ready for work, honest I did, but I guess he had better things to do.

Mr. Krabs: Probably too busy ogling paintings of himself and spanking the sea monkey while doing it. Grrrr, once he gets here, I'll give him something new to hang up on his gallery wall, his ass!

SpongeBob: But sir, who will man the register until, if/when, he clocks in?

Mr. Krabs: I'm too busy counting money in me office as it is. That's where ye come in, me boy!

SpongeBob: Me, sir? Why I can't possibly work both the grill and the register at the same time. It's too great of a responsibility.

Mr. Krabs: Boy, the fate of the Krusty Krab is at stake, and right now it's all riding on you to uphold the-

SpongeBob: GOOD KRUSTY KRAB NAME!

Mr. Krabs: That's it, SpongeBob! That's it! That's the FIREEEEEEE!

SpongeBob: For the Krusty Kraaaaab!

SpongeBob shouts with his spatula raised high into the air, back flipping behind the register.

Mr. Krabs: Atta boy, lad! But quit dilly dallyin' the lunch rush is a comin'!

Krabs barks before retreating back into his office. The lunch rush of customers storm the premises and SpongeBob proceeds to serve them all, himself.

"Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab. Man, what a load of barnacles that is. I literally slave over a hot stove all day, making way into the negatives below minimum wage, while he sits high and mighty in his office all day counting all his money to his heart's content. Too cheap to hire more than just two able-bodied employees, let alone actually pay those two employees for all their hard work. Well, one of them at least. My co-worker is the absolute worst. He believes the world owes him everything, but he hasn't exactly done much of anything to warrant him everything."

SpongeBob locks down at the register counter, seeing it dirty, disheveled and badly kept. Littered with Squidward's trash.

SpongeBob: I'll be right back with your order, sir!

SpongeBob leaves his customer and jumps through the cashier window and into the kitchen, slapping some patties onto the grill. He grabs hold of his trusty spatula, staring into it at his reflection before flipping those patties.

"Yet, I always find myself coming back, earlier and earlier. More eager today than the day before. Flipping and frying meat, preparing them for the feast, for the beasts that will no doubt consume them. You can say I just love my job, but I'll look you in the eyes and I'll tell you point-blank that I don't just love it. I feel much more than that towards it, I do, indeed, live for it. I do my job and I do it well, I'm one of the best at my craft. I can't honestly see myself doing anything more or anything less. Seeing meat come and go and come and go., some times wasted, sometimes over saturated, I'm the one that sees them all to their very ends. I know what I am. This is what I am. This is what I always will be."

SpongeBob: Order up!

SpongeBob hands a customer his order of five Krabby Patties.

Fred: Thanks, my family and I can't get enough of these.

SpongeBob: Have a Krusty day, good sir!

Fred walked back to his family's table consisting of his wife and two sons.

"Being in this line of work, you find yourself interacting with a lot of different people."

Monroe: Dad, this isn't the patty I wanted.

Fred: Hey, you're not the one paying here, so eat it. Or else you want to just starve yourself.

Nancy: Fred, you should really take it easy on Monroe, he's just a little boy-

Fred: Boy nothin! Ungrateful little bastard.

Tommy: You're being waaay outta line, dad.

Fred: Why don't you get your lines all straightened up, boy, before talking shit about lines I may be going over.

Nancy: Are we really gonna do this now?

Fred: Hey, that little shit started it-

Nancy: I'm not having this. At all.

Nancy grabs hold of Monroe's hand and escorts him out of the restaurant with her.

Fred: Honey! Don't be like that.

He turned towards Tommy.

Fred: See what you two bastards did now?

"People that'll just grind your gears until they just-"

Monroe: Look mom, it's the ole Birdman of Bikini Bottom!

The boy said, pointing at SpongeBob who was still behind the register.

Nancy: Hey, it is. I wonder what he's doing out of the asylum?

They both laugh as they leave the premises.

"Pop. Socializing with these...people is so overrated. At least Squidward, he knows how to deal with people, in his own way. A way that I personally find somewhat entertaining. Me? I'm just a fry cook, I'd much rather interact with my people."

SpongeBob looked back at the patties frying on the grill until he's interrupted by another customer.

Customer: Excuse me?

SpongeBob: How may I be of service to you, sir!

Customer: I would like some change for this dollar, if you will.

SpongeBob: Well, will I ever! Would you like four quarters? Or ten dimes? Or twenty nickels? Or one hundred pennies? Or one quarter, three dimes, seven nickels and ten pennies? Or if you give a five dollar bill, your options are-

Customer: Just gimme the dimes already!

SpongeBob hands over the ten dimes and inserts the dollar into the register. Squidward finally arrives and clocks in as the customer leaves.

SpongeBob: Hey Squidward! Hey Squidward! Hey Squidward! Hey Squidward!

Spongebob's joyful greetings are loud enough to alert Mr. Krabs in his office. He waltzes out to see Squidward finally clocking in.

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward! Where have ye been all this time?

Squidward: Mr. Krabs, 11 is when my shift starts-

Mr. Krabs: That didn't stop SpongeBob here from comin in extra early to fill in for yer lazy carcass!

Squidward: But Mr. Krabs, need I remind that he ISN'T NORMAL.

SpongeBob: Dahahahaha! He does have a point there.

Mr. Krabs: This lad here is well on his way to becoming Employee of the Month for the 100th month in a row! He knows full well what is best for business, and what's best for business is cold, hard cash! Speaking of which, how's the register looking, me boyo?

SpongeBob: Ship shape, sir!

Mr. Krabs: Now that's exactly what I like to hear.

Mr. Krabs opens up the register to survey the day's earnings so far.

Mr. Krabs: Ye can learn a thing or two, Mr. Squid- AAAAHHHHH!

Krabs gasped, nearly having a stroke.

SpongeBob: What? What is it, Mr. Krabs?!

Krabs searches through the register like a madman.

Mr. Krabs: Me first dime, boy! Me first dime! I could've sworn I had it in here!

Squidward: Aha, this should be good.

SpongeBob: Why in Neptune's name did you put in there, sir?!

Mr. Krabs: It's a cash register, boy! Ye put cash in it!

SpongeBob: How was I supposed to know your first dime was in there?!

Mr. Krabs: Why's money leavin me register fer, anyway?!

SpongeBob: A customer asked for some change, I didn't think there would be any harm in it-

Mr. Krabs: Change? What's dis "change" business? You don't give away change, boy! And we certainly don't give away precious money! We give these customers food, that's it! That's our policy! It doesn't change, there's no change at all! These customers want "change"?! Then by Neptune, how's THIS for a change!

Mr. Krabs slugs a random customer with one of his big, meaty claws as they were eating.

Mr. Krabs: A knuckle sandwich for ye!

Krabs beats the customer's head in some more before putting him through the table he was eating on. He begins assaulting the other customers as well, clawing at them and throwing them violently around the establishment, culminating in him throwing Fred clean through one of the windows and out of view.

Fred: My leg!

Mr. Krabs: Is this the kinda change ye all believe in now?!

Squidward: Aha! Aha aha! Aha! Way to go, Jethro. You drove Krabs over the deep end.

SpongeBob: I don't get it. It's just a plain, ole dime-

Krabs waltzes up and begins to strangle SpongeBob.

Krabs: JUST. A. DIME? Just a dime! Justadimejustadimejustadimejustadimerrrghhhrhrghhergh!!!

Krabs begins shaking both his employees violently.

Krabs: Those be the kinda fightin words that'll get ye fired!

SpongeBob gulps nervously.

SpongeBob: Fired?

Krabs: Hell, I have half a mind to fire ye right now for this injustice!

Squidward: Why are you shaking me into this?!

Mr. Krabs: Because if you weren't off fucking your own reflection in the mirror, then I wouldn't have been possessed to have the boy on the register in the first place!

Squidward: Hey, don't pin this all on me. This is Spongebob's fault!

Spongebob's fault!

Spongebob's fault!

"Those words echoed throughout my mind as the mechanations of my mind completely sank under, into the gaping abyss that, well, is my mind-"

Squidward: Spongebob's fault!

SpongeBob: Okay, I get it.

Krabs grip on them suddenly loosened as he took a few steps back, grabbing his chest.

SpongeBob gasped while Squidward was too busy duck facing into the mirror he kept in his workstation. He noticed what was going on and quickly threw on a false look of concern.

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, are you all right?

Mr. Krabs: Aye lad...just help me into me office. I need to be near some cash stat!

SpongeBob: What should we do after, sir?

Mr. Krabs: Just...git back to yer stations. And make me some more money.

SpongeBob: Aye aye, sir.

Mr. Krabs: But no amount of cash could ever make up for the value of me first dime.

Krabs got up and walked himself over to his office door with all his strength.

Mr. Krabs: I'm very, very disappointed in you, lad.

Squidward: Well, I think my chances of becoming Employee of the Month just skyrocketed ten-fold. Along with, say, job security. Aha! Aha aha ahaaa!

Squidward resumed his post behind the register and continued ignoring customers as he began fapping to Wigs Weekly. SpongeBob shuffled back into the kitchen with his head down. He grabbed his spatula and looked upon it.

"Nothing more, nothing less. This is what I am. This is what I always will be. I can't lose this job. I just couldn't."

The work day eventually ends and SpongeBob and Squidward clocks out as the sun sets in the distance.

Squidward: See you at work tomorrow, SpongeBob! Or not.

Squidward grabbed his bike and pedaled on home, laughing to himself at Spongebob's plight. SpongeBob turns back to the Krusty Krab and rubs his face against the now locked glass doors. His eyes widen as he gazed around the inside of the dark, empty establishment all teary-eyed.

SpongeBob: You complete...me...We complete...each other.

A single tear rolls down his face as the sun fully sets down the horizon behind, signaling dusk. SpongeBob removed his face from the glass, his tear being absorbed into his spongy exterior. He continued to coldly gaze into the restaurant now with an emotionless expression. He turned back and made his way down the dark streets alone.

"If I were to get fired, I just don't know what I would do at all. To others, most importantly myself. I had to make things right between me and that old, sweaty guy I work for. My future at the Krusty Krab's at stake. So I set out into the night, looking, searching for even an inkling of where that fucker could've been. He wasn't at his usual handouts."

The scene cut to SpongeBob at The Wash, staring intently into his distorted, wishy-washy reflection in the washing machine.

"Nor was he in the supposed comfort of his own home."

The scene cuts to a shot of SpongeBob standing rigidly outside an apartment room inside an apartment complex.

"He probably took his change and dug out. The bastard. When I was all out of options, I decided to just head back home, sleep it off. Maybe old man Krabs would forget about the stupid coin in the morning. All wishful thinking on my part. I knew full well the lengths Krabs would go to ensure the sanctity of 'his money'. I was fucked as fuck can be. But then, I began to remember something. I remembered someone."

SpongeBob is seen walking down a familiar sidewalk, turning a corner and coming across a familiar alleyway with a familiar crudely-made tent of house sitting near the entrance of it. SpongeBob casually walked towards it, putting on a pair of black gloves and stops in front of the cardboard, knocking on it. The blind, old vagrant from before popped out with a bottle of scotch in his hand, his worm standing up near him. The worm let out a few cries, feeling disturbed by Spongebob's presence there.

Vagrant: Uhhhh, can I help you?

SpongeBob: Help me? Ohhh, you're much too kind, sir. If only you could help yourself, is all.

Vagrant: Your voice...it sounds famili-

SpongeBob quickly swiped the bottle out of the vagrant's hand and smashed it right into his face, cutting his face open and messing it up deep. The worm pounced up to attack and got a good bite in on Spongebob's arm but SpongeBob managed to knock it aside. SpongeBob holds his arm and grunts in pain before slowly descending into maniacal laughter. The worm went pounced at him again but SpongeBob swing the now-broken bottle he still had in his hand at the worm, impaling it with the broken, jagged glass. The worm yelped and plopped down to the side. SpongeBob focused his attention back at the vagrant. He kneels down and grabs the vagrant by the collar of his jacket and forcefully pulled him up against his cardboard box, his face bleeding out.

SpongeBob: You fucking bums are all the fucking same. Losers in life, able-bodied and begging for a living off the kind backs of people who aren't afraid to do a little something called "looking for a job." Caring for you is not my responsibility, and it certainly isn't no one else's-

The vagrant's head slumps down.

SpongeBob: Look at me when I'm talking to you, you absolute piece of shit!

SpongeBob violently grabs his face and turns it towards him.

SpongeBob: I don't give two barnacles if you are blind. By Neptune, I will cut your eyeballs out and feed it to your pooch there! He ain't looking so good. Unlike you, I have a job. A sorta dead-end one at that, but hey, when isn't life full of dead-ends, am I right?

Vagrant: P-Pleeeas...e..

SpongeBob: There you go, begging again. You know what, I'm done being fucking civil-

SpongeBob reaches into his back pocket, yanks out his spatula and drives it into the vagrant's face. He slashes away mercilessly, slicing his very flesh off as blood squirts all over his own face. He continues slashing and gashing, showing no mercy before finally getting up and kicking the motionless vagrant back into his cardboard home. SpongeBob wiped the blood off his face with his hand, then wiping his spatula clean with part of the vagrant's jacket. He gets up and places the spatula back in his back pocket. His eyes shifts toward the vagrant's yelping and crying worm, the broken bottle still lodged in its body. SpongeBob raised up his foot and stomped down on it.

Worm: ARRRF!

He brings his foot down a second time.

Worm: HUUURMMF!

He brings a foot down a third time.

Worm: HUUURMM-

The yelping suddenly stopped but he kept on stomping for another minute before finally stopping himself.. SpongeBob dug around and grabbed the vagrant's cup, taking the dime he had given earlier. He dropped the cup to the ground and continued on his way home.

[Sauce Mama]

Duuuuuuuuuuude...

[Cha]

That's one AngryPants. I really like the idea of happy pills here. And of course the Fred family cameo was perfect.