Stuff Happens to SpongeBob

[CDCB]

We can all agree that there have been some bad episodes of SpongeBob. Which ones are bad is an entirely different story though. But what if every single episode was supposed to be bad--really, really bad? We'd have no choice but to agree that SpongeBob is one terrible show.

That's what this spin-off is all about. You won't find a single good episode here. Everything here is utterly horrible. I guarantee once the first episode premieres, the admins here on SBC will want to ban me for scarring them with such monstrous attempts at comedy.

Ladies and gentleman, I bring to you, Stuff Happens to SpongeBob. The worst spinoff you've ever read.

Coming soon, so brace yourselves.

Edited June 21, 2016 by jjsthekid

[CDCB]

1a "SpongeBob Makes Patties"

 

Ahhhhh the sea. It is another fine day in Bikini Bottom when... what is this?! Something's burning!

 

"Patrick, get your ass out of the toaster!" said SpongeBob as he ran into his kitchen.

 

"But you said you wanted toasty buns..." the pink starfish whined.

 

"Dahahaha!" laughed SpongeBob. "No, silly... I meant these buns!" He pulled out a bag of Google Imaged burger buns.

 

 

As SpongeBob opened the bag, Patrick pressed a button on the toaster and released a fine pair of freshly toasted ass cheeks.

 

"Care to do the honors, buddy?" SpongeBob asked Patrick as he handed him a fresh bun.

 

"Uhhh... why are we putting stuff in your toaster again?" Patrick iquired. He put the two bun halves in the toaster.

 

"Aw, don't you remember?" chuckled SpongeBob. "We're making Krabby Patties!"

 

"But SpongeBob... where are the Krabby Patties?" Patrick questioned with tears welling up in his eyes.

 

SpongeBob froze. For once, Patrick was right. He'd spent so much time Google Imaging the burger buns that he completely forget to get the fixins. Aww man... what was he going to do? It all seemed hopeless, but then an idea sprang up in his head.

 

"Patrick..." SpongeBob put his arm around his pink pal and said mischieveously, "I know where we can get some Krabby Patties..."

 

"Ahhh... uhh.... Is... is it... is it the Krusty Krab?!" asked Patrick.

 

"You bet your toasted ass cheeks..." SpongeBob said in an uncomfortable tone.

 

 

Suddenly night fell, and SpongeBob and Patrick crept out of SpongeBob's house and went over to the Krusty Krab. The aroma of old Krabby Patties slowly being eaten away by the various microscopic parasites in the storage closet filled the air. True, that's some gross shit going on there, but that's another story for another time.

 

Anyhow, SpongeBob motioned to Patrick to shush. Extracting spoiled Krabby Patties required careful precision....

 

*CRASH*

 

SpongeBob crashed through the front doors and shards of broken glass exploded all over the ocean floor. Alright fine, just the front entryway, but it was a damn big mess.

 

"The storage area should be here..." SpongeBob whispered to his partner in crime as they tiptoed through the Krusty Krab. "This is it!" said SpongeBob. "We made it!"

 

They took a moment to gaze in awe at the door that stood before them. After they felt confident they'd cherished the moment long enough, SpongeBob and Patrick inched the door open and lo and behold, there were mountains of raw Krabby Patties that towered so tall, it would put the Patty Vault to shame. SpongeBob pulled a bag out of thin air and shoveled a pile of the decaying goodness inside. Patrick tried to tie a string around the bag but ended up tying his arms around it instead by accident. Meh, it would do. SpongeBob hauled the bag onto his band and, with Patrick dangling off of one end, headed back to his house.

 

 

As SpongeBob and Patrick enjoyed a fresh (albeit, slightly decayed) batch of home cooked Krabby Patties, Mr. Krabs decided to check up on Ol' Krusty and see how the place was doing. As if the gaping hole in the front doors and dangerously low supply of raw Krabby Patties wasn't bad enough, the door to the vault was left open overnight! Mr. Krabs considered the evidence and reached a conclusion... Plankton must be behind this. So he went over to the Chum Bucket to give the single celled creep what he deserved and stepped on him, reducing the green guy to a liquified puddle of confusion.

 

 

 

1b "On Your Own"

 

Another fine day in Bikini Bottom. Woop woop. SpongeBob was cleaning out his closet when Patrick barged in like good friends do and caused the closet's entire contents to fall out on top of SpongeBob.

 

"Here... let me help you outta there buddy!" Patrick grunted as he reached into the 2 foot pile of miscelania. He pulled out what he thought was SpongeBob, but it turned out to be an old issue of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic book series. As Patrick tried to figure out how to open the book, SpongeBob managed to find his way out of the pile.

 

"Thanks for helping me out, Patrick..." groaned SpongeBob sarcastically.

 

"Sure thing, buddy!" Patrick replied, clearly missing the point.

 

SpongeBob noticed the comic book in Patrick's hands.

 

"Hey, that's my comic book!" SpongeBob pointed.

 

"Wha--?" Patrick exclaimed in shock. "Excuse me, but I believe the item in question belongs to me!"

 

"Oh Patrick, that can't be," laughed SpongeBob. "Open the front cover and see whose name written there."

 

Patrick stared blankly in confusion.

 

"How about I open it for you?" offered SpongeBob.

 

"No way!" shouted Patrick, burrying the comic book between the lumps of fat on his belly. "This comic book is mine, and I don't need to... uhh... o-pen it... to prove it!"

 

Patrick got up and walked out of SpongeBob's house angrily, barely paying attention to the fact that he'd just walked through the wall and left a star-shaped hole behind him. SpongeBob sighed as he moved a bookshelf to cover up the hole. What was Patrick's deal, anyway? That comic book was his. It just had to be. He was absolutely sure of it. It didn't seem like he was going to convince Patrick who owned the comic book that easily, but maybe somebody else could. Somebody else like...

 

"HEY SQUIDWARD!!" yelled SpongeBob outside the miserable cephalapod's door. "I NEED YOUR HEEEEELLLLPPPP!!!"

 

"SpongeBob, what do you want?!" Squidward snapped when he finally gave enough fucks to open the door. 

 

"Patrick thinks this comic book is his, but it's really mine, only he doesn't know that, so he took the comic book that he thinks is his but is really mine home with him... which I guess in a way you could call stealing. Though technically Patrick wasn't aware he was stealing; he just thought he was reclaiming an item that he thought was his, only it wasn't his, he just thought that's what it was when it really wa--"

 

Squidward slapped his tentacle over SpongeBob's mouth. "Shut the fuck up," he calmly said, went back inside, and slammed the door shut.

 

A harsh slam of rejection from mean ol' Squidward wasn't enough to darken SpongeBob's spirits, however. He pressed onward to Sandy's house where he found the source of his dirty affections enjoying some Texas tea and cookies, the way land folk do. He liked that about Sandy... so foreign... so hairy... so sandy... mmmm....  He quickly realized he was too aroused to interact with Sandy, so he turned around before she could notice he was there.

 

The search for somebody to convince Patrick who owned the comic book continued as SpongeBob sifted through secondary characters like his grandmother and that dude who always kept breaking his leg. When everything seemed completely hopeless, SpongeBob had to face the facts... It wasn't a cause worth fighting for really.... After all, maybe the comic book really was Patrick's.

 

Back at home, SpongeBob sunk into his living room chair, depressed over the fact that Patrick owned the comic book that he could've sworn was his. But then he heard a knock at the door. It was Patrick. He was still struggling to open the comic book.

 

"Hey SpongeBob," said Patrick. "You wanna go Jellyfishing?"

 

"Meh... I'm not really in the mood," mumbled SpongeBob.

 

"WHAT?!" Patrick threw his hands up in shock, inadvertantly dropping the comic book which opened to the first page. The name Charlie Roskochaznit was written in permanent marker.

 

"Huh?" SpongeBob took a closer look at the name. "Who's Charlie Roskochaznit?"

 

"I don't know..." grunted Patrick. "But he's a mean little bastard writing his name inside my comic book!"

[MMM]

pin this

[toasterstrutel]

Ands that's what you call..... genius.

[CDCB]

2a "Singing the Blouse"

 

It was a special week in Bikini Bottom--the week leading up to October 27th. And as everybody knows, October 27th was Teacher Appreciation Day at Mrs. Puff's Boating School. Being the unnatural enthusiast he is, SpongeBob had a reptuation for being the only one in the entire school who actually cared about Teacher Appreciation Day. Everybody else pretty much dreaded October 27th because that meant SpongeBob would smother Mrs. Puff with a ridiculous gift that she'd throw away the next day. That didn't stop SpongeBOb though. He was as excited as ever, and he knew exactly what he wanted to get Mrs. Puff one day when he was walking around town.

 

"It's perfect!" he squealed with glee as he read a poster.

 

Big Contest! 

 

Win a Special Boating School Blouse!

 

All you gotta do is win a singing contest.

 

GIRLS ONLY

 

"Aww barnacles!" said SpongeBob when he reached the bottom. "Where am I gonna find a girl?" 

 

Then he realized, of course there was Sandy, but SpongeBob was still getting over his arousal from the last episode so that wouldn't work. And Pearl would probably find the contest too embarrassing or something. So, the only option was fairly obvious. SpongeBob himself had to get a makeover and transform into a girl to have any chance of winning that Boating School blouse for Mrs. Puff. 

 

 

SpongeBob, now girlified, went over to the Bikini Bottom Singathon Stadium where the contest was being held. He had to admit, it felt kinda awkward going to such great lengths for the sake of Mrs. Puff's gift, masquerading as a girl and all. But he was a model student after all. He couldn't let his teacher down no matter what the cost may be. 

 

"Ladies and gentlemen...well, actually just ladies..." came the voice over the loudspeaker just as SpongeBob made his way to the other contestants, "it is my great honor to welcome you all to the third annual Bikini Bottom Singathon! The rules are simple--just take a deep breath and let your voice sing to your heart's content! The one who doesn't su--I mean, the best performer will win a special Boating School blouse! Before we begin, I would like to go into the history of what went into the making of this competition. It was a dark night on September 4th, when..."

 

SpongeBob decided to make small talk with his fellow contestants while the hostess rambled on.

 

"So uhh... ladies..." SpongeBob stammered, trying to put on his best girl voice. "You sing often?"

 

One of the contestants--a particularly emo one at that--went right up into SpongeBob's face. "Look kid," she said. "I win this competition every year, see? If you think I'm gonna be beaten by some little squirt then you're wrong."

 

"S... sorry!" SpongeBob chuckled nervously. Hmm. If he was gonna win this competition, he'd have to sing so well that even Emo Lady was impressed. That was gonna be tough, seeing as she was... well, emo. If she didn't care about anything else, why would she care about... some little squirt?

 

"...and it is with highest regard for those brave orphans that we hold this third annual Bikini Bottom Singathon!" the hostess lady finally finished. "Contestants, make your way to the stage!"

 

All the contestants sprang forward and lined up one by one on the stage. The first one sang and the painfully high tones of her voice shattered the windows of the stadium. The second contestant was even worse--her voice caused Contestant 7's dress to rip and she had to be disqualified for indecency. The contestants continued on and on until finally it was just Emo Lady and then SpongeBob. 

 

"Alright squirt," said the Emo Lady in a very monotone voice, "prepare to be like, dazzled." 

 

She sang. And while she wasn't as bad as the other contestants, she wasn't good either. She sounded kinda like the hum of a microwave, a bland unchanging voice that was just there. Nevertheless, the judges were impressed and seemed like they'd made up their minds.

 

"I believe we have a winner," said the hostess lady. "Ehhh, but first let's hear from that lady." She pointed to SpongeBob.

 

So SpongeBob sang... in the most beautifully operatic voice he could muster. The judges were astonished, particularly the hostess lady. But before the winner could be announced, a voice sprang up.

 

"Wait a minute..." said Emo Lady in her signature monotone voice. "If she can sing that well, she can't possibly be who she says she is..."

 

"Errrhhhmmm... what do you mean?" SpongeBob laughed in a girlishly nervous voice.

 

"I mean..." said Emo Lady as she ripped off SpongeBob's dress, "that you aren't a girl."

 

Everybody gasped. 

 

"Well..." said the hostess lady disappointedly, "if you're a boy, I'm afraid you're disqualified..."

 

SpongeBob's heart sank.

 

"Ladies... our winner is Emo Lady! ...for the third year in a row." Everybody cheered. "Congrulations," said the hostess lady as Emo Lady stepped back up on the stage. "You win a Boating School blouse!" She handed it to her.

 

"Like.... ew." said Emo Lady, holding the blouse as far way from her as her arm would reach. "This blouse is so not me. Here," she said holding it out to SpongeBob. "You almost won. You can have it."

 

Everybody laughed and teased SpongeBob as he accepted the blouse, but SpongeBob paid no attention to it. All that mattered now was he finally had Mrs. Puff's gift, so with a triumphant smile on his face, he walked out of the stadium and headed back home to wrap his gift.

 

 

 

October 27th...

 

"Alright class," said Mrs. Puff with little enthusiasm. "Today is Teacher Appreciation Day, so anybody who brought gifts... and SpongeBob... please step forward."

 

SpongeBob of course was the only one who brought anything, so he cartoonishly floated out of his seat and to the front of the classroom.

 

"Mrs. Puff," he said in a big voice, "I present to you... your gift!"

 

"Hooray... what did you get me this time?" moaned Mrs. Puff as she unwrapped her gift.

 

"It's a blouse! For the best boating school teacher ever!" 

 

"Oh my!" Mrs. Puff was astonished. "It's beautiful! I... I don't know what to say!"

 

"Do you love it?!?!" SpongeBob bounced around with excitement.

 

"Yes, I do SpongeBob," said Mrs. Puff, slipping the blouse on. "Thank you."

 

She threw it in the trash when she got home.

[toasterstrutel]

Great stuff there.

[The Guy With the Computer]

This is actually quite good.

[CDCB]

2b "A-Door-able"
Assistant Writer: Fa

Ahhh... the sea. So fascinating. So lovely. So wet. Here we observe our favorite Sponge's neighborhood as he... sacre bleu, no comment!

"Alright, Patrick!" cheered SpongeBob. "Make another one!"

"You got it, SpongeBob!" Patrick shouted so loudly with glee that spit drops hit SpongeBob in the face. He sat in a large can of paint and squished his ass against SpongeBob's door, leaving a remarkabaly accurate ass print.

"WOOOOOO!!!" they screamed ear piercingly loud. That was Squidward's cue.

"What in Neptune's name are you doing?!" Squidward yelled out his window.

"We're making my door... bootyful!" giggled SpongeBob.

Squidward frowned in disgust. "SpongeBob... I can't decide what's worse. Your pun... OR YOUR SENSE OF ART!!!"

"Well, how would you make my door look nice, Squidward?" asked SpongeBob.

Squidward stopped and thought for a moment. Did SpongeBob just challenge his artistic genius? Pffff! He could make a nicer door with one tentacle tied behind his back. But... as SpongeBob was the only person to so much as request Squidward's artistic advice, it seemed fair enough to take the chance for whatever it may have been worth.

"Ehh... I dunno," Squidward thought aloud to SpongeBob. "Paint something on it. Make it look less... errr, door-ish."

SpongeBob pondered Squidward's tips. Less door-ish, huh? "I've got it!" he suddenly exclaimed.

SpongeBob's door was now a true beauty. He simply couldn't wait to show Squidward the masterpiece he and Patrick had just completed. SpongeBob and Patrick raced to Squidward's house and banged on the door in the sort of way that's utterly impossible to ignore. Squidward forced himself to leave the comfort of his couch and answer SpongeBob and Patrick's relentless knocking. He reluctantly followed them to SpongeBob's house and this beauty lay before his eyes... 

"...this is shit," Squidward said in a harshly emotionless voice. And with that, he returned home.

Not taking Squidward's criticism to heart, SpongeBob and Patrick went into the pineapple to celebrate SpongeBob's awesome new door by marathoning the first season of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. No sooner did they make their way to the DVD menu than they heard a disturbance coming from outside, so SpongeBob and Patrick decided to put their marathon on hold for a moment and investigate. SpongeBob carefully opened the door...

...and a fish fell in face first.

"Umm... excuse me," said SpongeBob nervously, "but this is my house. Uhhh, what exactly are you doing here?"

"Oh bless you, sir!" the fish desperarately spoke as he picked himself up off the ground. "Thank you for all that you've done!!"

"What... have I done?" asked a confused SpongeBob.

"Come outside and see for yourself," said the fish as he led the way and left a trail of sweat behind him. What SpongeBob and Patrick saw right outside SpongeBob's door was unbelievable. A large crowd of fish were standing together gawking in amazement at the door he'd just closed behind him. One fish took a few steps forward and started massaging the door.

"Uh... would it be alright if I... heh heh... opened and closed it a little bit?" the fish asked. His eyes were bloodshot and he was about as sweaty as the rest of the crowd and his voice was shakey and uneasy, almost like he hadn't slept in a few days.

"Err, no..." SpongeBob said uneasily.

"Aww come on, man! The hinges are gorgeous..." the crazy fish whined.

"That's okay, really..." SpongeBob nervously chuckled. He quickly opened the door and closed it just as fast before anybody besides himself and Patrick could get in. "Patrick..." he said with great concern. "We've been invaded by... door fetishists!"

"Wh... what do we do, SpongeBob?" whimpered Patrick, not understanding what a fetishist was but still feeling an overall sense of danger.

They did the only thing they could do--they brainstormed and attempted many different ways to get the crowd away from SpongeBob's door for good. They tried boarding up the door, painting it differently, removing it, placing it somewhere else, but no matter what SpongeBob and Patrick tried, the door fetishists always found a way to get to the hinges they so desperately craved.

"All this thinking is wearing me out," Patrick panted. "I need to take a piss." And so he did... on the door.

"Patrick!!" shouted SpongeBob. "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Uhh... I already said I was taking a p--"

"Well yes, but on my door?!" 

The door fetishists weren't happy either and groaned in disgust as Patrick zipped up his pants.

"Dear Neptune..." one of the fish said to Patrick. "I get that we share an appreciation for doors and all but... EEESSSHH!!!" He ran off with the rest of the fetishists.

"We did it, Patrick!" cheered SpongeBob. "My door may be a little stinky and gross now, but at least it's mine once again!"

"Your door?" challenged Patrick.

"Well uh... yeah," laughed SpongeBob. "It is my house after all."

"Oh no you don't!" Patrick said defensively as he passionately caressed SpongeBob's piss soaked door. "This door is mine now! I... I marked it, and uhh... yeah!"

"Alright Patrick..." SpongeBob said, starting to get a little aggitated. "Cut it out so we can get back to our marathon. Patrick? Patrick...?"

Edited September 26, 2015 by CDCB

[CDCB]

3a "Ain't Missed Me Paintin'"

It was a dull, boring day in Bikini Bottom. It may have been a full night of sleep, but SpongeBob woke up feeling groggier than ever. For once, he wasn't particularly excited to start the day. He wasn't sure exactly what it was, but something gave him the notion that today would be one of the most boring days of his life. SpongeBob struggled out of bed and walked to his closet to grab another pair of the same old pants and realized he was going about this the wrong way. Instead of rolling with the boredom and letting it do its thing, he should fight the boredom, do something out there. Something exciting. Something to bring the fun and excitement back to his life. Something he'd never done before... then it hit him.

The problem was, SpongeBob had done everything exciting in Bikini Bottom, but he hadn't done anything exciting out of Bikini Bottom. And what better place to start than by meeting someone new? "See ya later, Gary!" SpongeBo called to his pet snail as he walked out the door. "I'm gonna go meet someone!"

He didn't go to Rock Bottom. He strayed far from Encino, California. He didn't even go to the moon. Instead, SpongeBob went to the nondescript wall where the pirate who passionately sang his theme song lived in a fancy picture frame.

"Arrr! Who be ye?" asked the startled pirate. He wanted to make a defensive move in retaliation, but as he was merely a painting, all he could do was hang there.

"I'm SpongeBob SquarePants!" the yellow guy proudly declared.

"Arrr har har!" laughed the pirate. "I be knowin' ye from the very beginning!"

"Wha... what do you mean?" SpongeBob inquired.

"Arrr, that be unimportant!" the pirate said, narrowly avoiding a fourth wall breakage.

"Well, what be... err, I mean, what's your name?" asked SpongeBob. 

"I be Painty the Pirate, yarrr!"

"Hey, why don't you come down to Bikini Bottom and meet all my friends?" suggested SpongeBob.

"Arrr, I be just a paintin' of a head! I ain't moved since I been hung! Yar har har!" laughed Painty.

"Well, get ready to move 'cause you're coming with me!" smiled SpongeBob. He slid Painty off the nail where he hung and brought him down to Bikini Bottom. It was an entirely new world for Painty. Ever since the artist--whoever that was--painted him, his only idea of the world was a plain, boring wall, but now a whole new world of lush ocean life and other watery things had been revealed to him.

SpongeBob decided the best way to introduce his new friend to all his other friends was to start Painty off with a little tour of Bikini Bottom. On Painty's insistence, they started off at...

"Yarrr! That be the pineapple under the sea!" Painty shouted with ecstacy.

"And I live in it!" SpongeBob said proudly as he carried the laughing pirate painting inside. Gary was on the couch watching some snail show on TV. "Hiya Gare Bear!" SpongeBob greeted his pet snail. "Say hello to Painty!" He held Painty out so Gary could see.

"Yarrrr! Pleased to meet ye!" Painty said to the frightened snail. Perhaps it was the fact that SpongeBob wanted him to interact with some dumb old painting, or maybe it was the fact that Painty could only move his lips. But whatever it was, it scared the crap out of Gary and he slithered away was fast as he could. 

"I guess he's just a scaredy snail today..." SpongeBob wondered. "Well, never mind Gary. Let's introduce you to Squidward!"

So off they went to Squidward's Easter Island Head. The cephalopod of the house was enjoying a relaxing bath when SpongeBob came... knocking at his door again... the little bitch... 

"WHAT?!" yelled Squidward. "I'm very busy, so this better be worth my time!"

"Yarrr! The yellow lad be introducing me!" said Painty.

"MOTHER OF BAD CGI!!!!" screamed Squidward, running so fast back into his house that he crashed through the back wall.

SpongeBob searched all over Bikini Bottom, but no matter who he tried introducing Painty to, everybody ran away and hid. Even the Flying Dutchman ended his vacation in Bikini Bottom a week early and sailed away when he saw Painty. It seemed as though nobody in Bikini Bottom had any appreciation for talking paintings. SpongeBob sat on the dock at Goo Lagoon while Painty sadly hung on a nail that was sticking out of one of the posts, both feeling sadder than ever.

Just then, Mr. Krabs came running to SpongeBob in a major panic.

"Yeh gotta do something, boy-o!" he panted. "I know it's yer day off, but the alarm on me safe where I keep the formuler is broken!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed SpongeBob.

"If we don't find a new alarm soon, Plankton could steal me secret recipe!" shuddered Mr. Krabs.

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed SpongeBob.

"Yarrr, shouldn't ye be guarding the recipe?" Painty pointed out.

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Mr. Krabs, starting to run back to the Krusty Krab but stopping when he reached an epiphany. "Wait, SpongeBob! That scary ass painting of yers gives me an idea!"

The Krusty Krab was inexplicably closed early and Plankton squeezed his way through the small cracks between the doors and into Mr. Krabs' office. 

"I can't believe this is actually working!" Plankton laughed maniacally. "Closing the restaurant inexplicably early... heh heh! That fool Krabs is practically begging for me to steal the secret formula! Now if I could just turn a light on and see where the safe is..."

*click*

"Yarrr, nice to meet ye!" said Painty as he happily hung over the Krabby Patty secret formula safe.

"MOTHER OF NEPTUNE!!!!" Plankton screamed in terror. He ran away as fast as he could and vowed never to return again... at least until the next episode featuring him.

Meanwhile, a group of disembodied children's voices were wondering where their captain was...

[CDCB]

3b "SpongeBob Becomes a Mattress"
Written by Fa and CDCB

SpongeBob and Patrick were at Bikini Bottom's local department store, Dearly Department, searching for a new blender. SpongeBob's old blender had broken, and he couldn't make his world famous Krabby Patty smoothies without out. Patrick kept distracting SpongeBob with his usual antics.

"Hey SpongeBob!" said Patrick. "Look what I can do!" He put two large mixing spoons on his eyeballs and wiggled them around like windshield wipers.

"Cut it out, Pat!" scolded SpongeBob. "I just want to get my blender, okay?"

"I don't get it..." Patrick confessed. "Why are we getting a blender anyway? Why not something cool like... oven mitts? Or a TV? Or... or oven mitts?"

"Because you put all that canned bread in the old blender! WITH the can!" groaned SpongeBob.

"Ha ha, yeah..." reminisced Patrick.

Patrick walked into the bed section without thinking about it and began sleeping on the bed, drooling and everything on it. The owner of the store, watching from a distance, was furious.

"Big pink tubby man, get off the bed immediately!" He screamed over the intercom. Hearing this, SpongeBob knew immediately this pink tubby man...

"Patrick, you should do what the man saaaayyyyysssssWHOA!!!" 

In his desperate attempt to keep Patrick out of trouble, SpongeBob slipped on a stray rolling pin and landed face first on the floor right in front of his big pink tubby friend. The impact temporarily KO'd him.

Walking down the aisle at the same time was a wealthy looking fish with a terrible sense of style.

"Why oh why did Snuffles have to snail shit all over the mattress?!" he screamed at himself. "Where am I going to find a new exotic mattress for my party tonight for the lady fish?"

He then walked by knocked out af SpongeBob

"Perfect! It's unlike anything I've ever seen!" he shouted.

"Why thank you," chuckled SpongeBob.

"Wow! And it talks too!" exclaimed the customer. "I'm buying you!" He walked away carrying SpongeBob, much to Patrick's horror.

"Hey, come back with my friend!" shouted Patrick as he ran after the guy, but he didn't make it far. His shorts fell down and he tripped over them. By the time he pulled them back up, the shopper had already bought SpongeBed and was headed home.

Patrick panted heavily on the ground as he cursed at the fancy fish shopper, vowing to get SpongeBob back. Meanwhile SpongeBob entered his new "home."

"Now I'll put you down right here..." the fish said.

"Oh, why thank you." SpongeBob said. "This is quite comfy."

"TIme for a test run." the fish said as he laid on SpongeBob, to our hero's horror.

Suddenly SpongeBob didn't enjoy being a mattress anymore. He tried to slide out from underneath the fish, but the fish's large arse had him pinned to the ground. All SpongeBob could do was savor the (dis)pleasure of being slept on... but then he heard a knock on a nearby window.

"Patrick?" he whispered, though he wasn't sure why. He kinda wanted the fish to wake up.

"Don't worry, buddy!" Patrick called from behind the glass. "I'm bailin' you outta here!"

The wealthy fish got up to close the window blinds, not noticing Patrick due to being half asleep still.

"Crud, how am I going to get in there?" Patrick asked himself. He then saw a flier for a party at the fish's house.

"Ladies only wanted! Ladies are desired free of charge!" it read. Patrick then pondered.

"I guess it's time... To bring Patricia back for another tango." Patrick said sinisterly to himself.

That evening, SpongeBob's captor awoke to a knock at the door. 

"Excuuuuuuse me!" said the visitor flirtatiously. "May I come innnnn?"

The fish happened to be an easily persuaded fish, so as soon as he heard Patricia's feminine voice, he bolted for the door and let her in.

"What brings you here, toots?" said the fish, clicking his teeth together.

"Why I would like to... examine your bed... if you know what I mean?" Patricia continued vivaciously. The fish took this to mean she wanted to be lit up so to speak. Patricia walked over to SpongeBed.

"Hey buddy!" Patricia said. "I'm gonna get you out of here!"

"Yay, but how?" SpongeBob asked.

"Just let this fair lady do her magic on this sir here." Patricia said with a smirk, disgusting SpongeBob. The fish came over and sat on SpongeBob with Patricia.

"So Mr. ummm..." She began.

"Edgar Fishington." He said.

"Mr. Edgeworth... shall we put the lime in the coconut?" Patricia said with a wink.

"And drink it all up?" grinned Edgar.

"Knock knock!" replied Patricia.

"Uhh, Patricia. I don't want you guys having any knock knocks on me..." said SpongeBed nervously.

"Excuse me!" said Patricia, appalled. "Is that a TALKING mattress?!"

"Why yes it is... sweetheart," said Edgar.

"Don't 'sweetheart' me!" shouted Patricia, now in a rage. "I abhor beds that can watch my every move! I'll be taking that monstrosity and disposing of it at once!"

Edgar grabbed Patricia by the hand and pulled her back.

"Patricia, don't go!" Edgar said."I've fallen in love with you in these 8 minutes I've spent with you and I can't bear for you to leave me!"

Patricia's eyes welled up with tears that she couldn't hold back anymore. "Edgar! I need you!" Patricia said as she grabbed Edgar and they embraced... on top of SpongeBed.

"GAAAAAAH!" he screamed as the action went on... top of him.

[E.V.I.L.]

inb4 this ends romeo and juliet style

[CDCB]

4a "Forty-Two" 

It was a nice relaxing day in Bikini Bottom. SpongeBob was hanging out at Goo Lagoon working on that ol' tan when suddenly he felt a rumbling in his stomach. Luckily for SpongeBob, there were plenty of food stands open in Goo Lagoon today. He walked over to the nearest one.

"One hot dog, please!" he said hungrily.

"Excellent choice, sir!" said the vendor. "That'll be $42, please."

"Sure thi--wait WHAT?!" shouted SpongeBob. "$42? But... but I thought... Didn't hot dogs used to cost--?"

"Inflation," sighed the hot dog vendor.

"There goes my pay check..." grumbled SpongeBob as he handed over the moolah to the vendor. 

"Here ya are!" said the vendor, handing SpongeBob 42 hot dogs.

SpongeBob did a double take. "...uhh... Are you sure you got my order right?" he inquired.

"Yes sir. 42 hot dogs," replied the vendor.

"Errr, I'm pretty sure I just ordered one," SpongeBob insisted.

"Right," agreed the vendor. "42 hot dogs."

SpongeBob didn't see any point in continuing to argue, so he accepted his month's supply of hot dogs and walked back to where he'd set up his beach towel. He wasn't quite sure what was going on, and it was starting to make him a little nervous. He wasn't sure why, but as he took a bite of his first hot dog, he decided to count the foot stands.

"...39... 40... 41... 42," he counted. "42 huh? That's a lot of food sta--..." 

SpongeBob spit out the last bit of hot dog in shock. He counted the stores 41 more times just to be sure. Each time, it came out as 42. 

"I... think it's time I headed back," SpongeBob said nervously. He ran as fast as his 42 legs could carry him, so fast that he tripped over a rock at 42nd Street and crashed through the window of Bikini Bottom's 42nd National Bank, landing in a pile of $42 bills.

"Are you okay, kid?" a customer asked. He was wearing a 42 gallon hat.

"WHAT IS GOING ON?!" screamed SpongeBob, crashing through another window and falling from the 42nd story of the bank. He made a crater in the ground so deep that he landed in Davy Jones' Locker. The Flying Dutchman looked delighted to see SpongeBob, as if he'd been expecting him.

"Room for one more, Spongey," he laughed ghoulishly.

*poof*

SpongeBob awoke on the couch. The TV was on and he could hear a familiar voice talking on the TV.

"And that concludes our 8 hour marathon of The Tidelife Zone. I am your host, Cod Serling."

"No more scary shows before bed, Gary..." shuddered SpongeBob as he turned over on his side and went back to sleep.