OMJ's Variety

[The Crow]

The full version of my entry for the winter spinoff war. It's intended to be a teaser for something I may or not get to, but I feel it stands alone enough to warrant its own entry.

Crime Wave

???: Welcome to Bikini Bottom, the city of laughter, angry mobs and laugh box removal. From the dead soda drink hatters on Shallow Grave Road to the gangs of Conchton, and litter cells in Jellyfish Fields to the Skodwarde-worshipping neo-squizis in Tentacle Acres. I'm here to give you a closer look into this bikini bottom of dying hopes and dreams, blooming, blistering coral reefs and crabs beating around the bush that all make up this...great under garment.

We see Al Priss walking into view live from the Bikini Boardwalk.

Priss: Hi, I'm decorated Bikini Bottom Police Chief, Al Priss, star and asshole of cult hits such as S(lums)BU. Unlike the completely inaccurate portrayals portrayed therein, the BBPD, the Department of Health and the Sanitation Police are fighting a war out there everyday in a Bikini Bottom that has too often been stained by blood...of the innocent.

Priss: Ah, the Krusty Krab, owned and operated by sole proprietor, Eugene Harold Krabs. This is where it all begins. Money going in and heart attacks going out. And hidden in between two seawheat sea buns, Neptune only knows what. The boss pays off a couple of low-level urchins a few bills (and not dollar bills if that's what you're thinking) and suddenly you have military-grade secret sauce, badly burnt food, drinks and shoes, and grade-a pickles from the Gulf of Mexico flooding our streets. And once it hits the streets, it's fun-induced chaos. A side of murder, hold the spicy coral bits. And you wonder why my wife tried to get that place banned. Take Plankton, or as he's known on the streets, "Puh-Lankton!" He's a hungry thug making illegal, unsanctioned chum in his secret chum lab within the confines of the Chum Bucket.

Priss: He's about to pull a fly-by on the Krusty Krab, cripple the competition and futily muscle his product into the food market. Now excuse me while I go notify the proper authority to handle this, an ambulance.

Priss: Or maybe the Chinese are dealing out some of their unhealthy, home-brewed orange chicken wares for sale on the black market to everybody bidding high. Could make just about anybody's noodle wet. Well, good thing me and the BBPD aren't just about anybody.

Priss: Or perhaps the Mexicans are breaking out of their taco shells to dabble their arms into the lucrative food trade or Italians slinging their old school, mozzarella-stuffed mentality to the masses. Even the Weenies are making moves and working miracles. The junkies need to satisfy their munchies fast, and I'm not talking about Tony Fast, I'm talking about "fast food". But who knows, who cares? Just as long as the consumers continue to consume, we'll be there to keep cleaning up the vomit.

We see SpongeBob and Patrick going door to door selling chocolate bars and coming across Tom Smith.

Priss: Word to the wise, kids. Never eat chocolate. It'll make you think you can prolong your life, grow a beard for your wife, walk through walls or keep you from getting a bad case of the Ugly. And not necessarily all in that order. They can sure help you rule the world though if you deal enough of the sweets on the streets. Just look at those two buffoons, looking like they just got back from a jellyfish convention down in Ukulele Bottom this weekend, thinking the fancy life is just gonna come to them. And most times, this illicit substance makes it way to the gangs

Priss: and the poor saps, so hyped up in their own sugar rush that they lose their shit and shell out all their life savings in exchange for all the chocolate. Brings a whole new meaning to chocolate...with nuts.

Priss: One of these aforementioned gangs being The Squares. Easily identifiable by their namesake squared pants and with an affinity for Kah-Rah-Tay, cleanliness, pineapple juice, fry food and catching SUDs, these living, breathing toilet cleaners have a tendency for driving sane, ordinary people batshit insane. But luckily for you, the BBPD and I aren't sane, ordinary people. And when they're not driving people off the deep end, they're more than likely driving themselves off the deep end. Literally. They are yellow after all. They're full of holes, but if you mess with them, you'll find yourself filled with holes as well. And while half the battle with them is fought with close combat, the other half is with tattletales. Sometimes, you have to be the bad guys to beat the bad guys.

Priss: But lets not take any attention away from their rivals, The Crown of Thorns. If you've been living under a rock like they've been, this dirt poor royal family of the fattest, pinkest starfishes in Bikini Bottom are the old, chewed up gum you step on of society. With a tendency to do nothing but jack and squat, you may be led to believe they're easy to restrain. Well, ask Squidward Tortellini. But like all families, they're known to fight amongst themselves. Being split into separate sets from the Lone Stars, to the Shooting Stars and Super Stars among other star-related puns and given the amount of stupidity that runs in this family, World War III to them is like a stolen chocolate bar or lollipop. And while we're more hands on with The Squares, with The Crown of Thorns, we take a more elementary approach.

Priss walks up to one of them.

Priss: Hey-ey! Don't get too crazy now!

Big Sister Sam: Sam already hearing voices, Al ::dolphin noise:: Piss!

Al gets back in his car and speeds away.

Priss: Ah, Goo Lagoon. Bikini Bottom's resident cesspool of testosterone, sweat and waste. You can find more people burning here than during 420, trying to get that perfect sheen of sweet brown. But we don't got time for that. While the BBPD and Highway Patrol have been fiercely cracking down on the amount of elderly behind the wheels, we have another growing problem on our fins: elderly on the beach. We have received numerous reports about old and evidently unsightly people grazing these sands. Why, I just received one such report just now and you, the viewers at home, will get to witness how justice is truly served in this town, and not in a deep fryer, as demonstrated by Officers John and Nancy.

Officers John & Nancy head out onto the beach and come across Old Man Jenkins, who's sunbathing.

Officer John: Excuse me, but are you are Mr. Old Man Jenkins?

Jenkins: That's what it's gonna say on my obituary, yes!

Officer Nancy: Sir, we just received a call that you're too old and unsightly for this beach and I'm afraid you're gonna have to come with us.

Jenkins: Well, if you say so, officers. Just lemme grab me cane.

Jenkins goes to grab his cane, alarming the officers.

Officer John: Sir, you will do no such thing.

Jenkins: But, I need it to walk.

Officer Nancy: Put the weapon down, now!

Jenkins struggles to move.

Jenkins: But-

Officer John kicks the cane out from his grip, causing the old man to trip, and blasts him in the head with an anchor before Nancy knocks him to the sand with a barrel. They continue beating on Jenkins until John handcuffs him.

Officer John: You are under arrest for attempted assault with a deadly weapon!

Priss: just goes to show that-

???: Al!

Al's wife, Miss Gristlepuss, and her sisters walk into view, all wearing bikinis.

Gristlepuss: I wish you would've told me you were filming here today! We would've worn something more conservative for the cameras.

Priss aims his gun at them and scares them off the beach.

Priss: Don't make me end your evidently long, unfulfilled lives, you hags! But I'll meet up with you for dinner later!

Priss: And while some of the elderly traded in their four wheels for unsightliness on the beach, others have traded in their four wheels for two (count em) two wheels. They are one of the undersea floor's oldest outlaw motorcycle gangs, The Mild Ones.

Priss: Way past the point of mid-life, these prunes are dern sure causing a crisis everywhere they roll through. Rumors are, members pen memoirs based on their lives written in the blood of every person they've killed and that it's definitely okay for them to bag their own shit. Highway Patrol has been tracking The Mild Ones for years. We've gone from one retirement home to the next and have spent more time in the meatloaf and broccoli lines than Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy combined. When they're not throwing their hips and backs, they're throwing wild parties and not bothering to invite us to the festivities.

Priss: Of course, Bikini Bottom being the multi-cultural community that it is, it's not all about the homoerotic relations between sponges and starfish or edgy leather-clad shit slingers stuck in a nineties time loop. This is the community that made having a self-entitled opinion one step closer to godliness. Of course to become truly popular, your blog has to review both today's top 40 songs and movies. With food critic, Gene Scallop, leading the way for many to come charging after him in a community full of jelly spotters, people with too much time on their hands as well as men, women and children worshipping cartoon characters. It takes something particularly awful to catch people's attention. The infamous, unseen blog of a community leader is one such case. For years, a horny Canadian reviewer fapping furiously for the arrival of the year-end Billboard Top 100 list has taken the ocean floor by storm, causing many to wonder: "Just where is Wumbo's blog?" and whether they would have grown the set to oppose his views that no one has reportedly seen, or if it even exists at all? It's inspired the Church of Wumbology, first grade class curriculums and copycat reviewers. Wumbologists have blamed various celebrities such as Scott Stapp, Billy Corgan, Chad Kroeger, Jason Derulo and even Rob Ford for the blog's disappearance.

Priss: But not all crime is pre-meditated. Ah, Mrs. Puffs' Boating School, where the no child left behind act runs rampant through it's hallowed halls.

SpongeBob is seen failing all over her course while Mrs. Puff is having traumatic flashbacks. SpongeBob crashes into the lighthouse, causing Puff to blow up.

Priss: Driving school? Looking at that fat lard, I'd think this was cooking class. If crashing into various things and pedestrians is her way of teaching boat smarts, I would never send my kids here. John, Nancy, take her downtown.

Officers John and Nancy take Puff's stretcher away from the ambulance and wheel her into the back of a police truck.

Priss: It goes to prove that you don't always need to have criminal intent to cause potentially serious criminal damage. Or maybe you're an over righteous poppycock, making a living off of working for big business while protesting about the unfairness of corporations on the little guy by playing a sitar without a sitar license. Maybe strangling tattletales gets you off or stealing balloons on Free Balloon Day or stealing the priceless pearl/egg of Bubble Land star attraction, Clamu, on Free Day? Or even worse...littering. Don't think for a second that just because we celebrate two free days, that it automatically gives you a "get out of jail free" card. On our next episode, everybody wants the D in this town. Three D's, to be exact: Debauchery, Dollar and Death. The terrible threesome that all lead to one hard time behind bars. And speaking of threesome

Priss: I made some dinner plans. Don't go in too deep, citizens, or else you might just find yourself caught up in the Crime Wave.

Priss drives off, sirens blaring, clearing traffic out of the way as he speeds towards the Fancy restaurant.

A PoPo Production

[Cha]

So many references to so many episodes, I think I'm loosing my sight. That was brilliant (as usual).

[The Crow]

When the heck did this get locked? Anywho, I was randomly going through an old wrestling e-fed I used to be a part of (an e-fed pretty much being a fantasy wrestling league where you create your own wrestler and role play as him as you work your way over the competition and straight to the top of the "company". If you thought I was obsessed with wrestling, heh, you ain't seen nothin yet) and I was reading through my old promos (role plays) for shits and giggles, and boy oh boy, were they awful looking back. I don't even know how I even made it as far as I did. Figured they could be lulzy enough to post here for anyone who's interested in seeing 14-16 year old me literally in action. But instead of posting just my promos here, I've decided I will riff them as well. I like to think I've come a looooong way in my writing since then, and it'll make looking back at this phase in my life a lot more fonder quite frankly lol this shit was my creative outlet back in the day (fuck, it was my life at times along with The Avatar Refuge). I owe it to this hobby and the surprisingly charming (for the most part) peeps for making me the "creative" mind I am today, as well as for gradually helping me with my grammar. Judging from my 92 post count on the site (shocking, I know), I'd say I have a good 80-something to go through. I'm even open to guest spots if anyone cares enough to rip me new ones. So without ado LETS JUMP INTO THIS SHIT!

 

The Definitive Darius Jermaine 6-Disk Collection

Episode 1: From Humble Beginnings

Spoiler

The camera opens up to the sold out crowd who are in attendance for tonight's edition of Warzone.

OMJ: Wow, a promo that takes place just days before the show you're set to debut on, on that same show!

The camera pans to some shots of some fans in the crowd cheering and holding up their signs.

OMJ: Do note the "I Really Wish I Weren't Here Right Now" sign.

The lights go out and "Pon De Replay" by Rihanna hits the sound system

OMJ: Goddamn, what the hell was I on to make that my entrance music? It did win me an award for worst entrance music, so I guess it sorta paid off in the end. I mean, more gold for me!

and a green light starts to shine from the entrance-way. Green smoke also starts to engulf the entire entrance-way as well. 

OMJ: Well I guess that answers my question.

Suddenly, two platforms starts to come out from the stage on the opposite ends of the stage. 

OMJ: By the stage! Of the stage! FOR THE STAGE!

The platforms both have a pole built into it, and a hot girl on both sides pole dancing with it.

OMJ: Amusing choice of words aside, whoa there junior. You're just making your break into the biz here, what on earth did you use to pay for this pleasurable company and flashy entrance, as well as the rights to use a Rihanna song?

A third platform starts to rise up from the center of the stage with a man on it with his back faced towards the crowd. 

OMJ: Not even my character wanted to go through with this hot garbage.

The platform stops rising, and the man turns to the face th crowd.

OMJ: One of many typos, I assure you.

The crowd pops to see the debuting Darius Jermaine! The lights come back on and "Mister DJ" 

OMJ: Oh dear Neptune.

starts to make his way down to the LWF ring for the first time.

OMJ: Lock Wrestling Federation, for those curious and maybe even daring enough to wanna look it up.

Along the way, he takes some time to shake the people's hands.

OMJ: I sure do hope everyone got their tetanus shots beforehand. And got checked for herpes right afterwards.

He heads up the steel steps and enters the ring. He's sporting a slick, green suit with matching shades. 

OMJ: Here's an artist's rendition

He takes of the solid gold chains he has around his neck and starts throwing it to the crowd.

OMJ: And for some reason, I doubt those chains were worth enough to not warrant any potential lawsuits for throwing solid gold chains at people. But this does bring me to E-Fedding Rule # 53: If you can't win em, buy em over. Real life wrestlers should take that into account more. Looking at you Sheamus, you're Irish, you've got gold to spare.

He taunts on all four turnbuckles and calls for the mic.

OMJ: Taunting? Aren't you supposed to be a good guy?

He slowly takes the mic to his lips.

OMJ: Have to savor every little moment while you can, this could very well be your your first and last appearance.

"Mister DJ is in the house!!!"

OMJ: Aaand make that your last.

The crowd gives a great reaction.

OMJ: Wow, winning this crowd over is about as easy as winning the SBM crowd's approval.

"For those of you who don't know me, and for those of you who have seen me. The name is, Darius Jermaine,

OMJ: Thanks for the friendly reminder, I'm sure all zero of them who have seen you really appreciate it.

and I am the newest, the most decorated superstar to have hit Lock Wrestling Federation!

OMJ: Don't oversell yourself, pal. You only did halfway decently on MySpace e-Fedding circuit beforehand, and that was with an entirely different character.

It has been quite some time since I've hit the big time like this,

OMJ: Oh, I can see why.

but let's cut to the damn chase here. Tonight, is the night a star is born!

OMJ: http://youtu.be/qokXWHEViVc

Tonight's the night that with all my might, I'll make Lock see that signing me was right. Tonight, 'Mister DJ' makes his in-ring debut."

OMJ: Oh my fuck, I forgot that this was a sorta rap-inspired gimmick.

"Now, where to start, where to start? 

OMJ: You can start with RE-THINKING YOUR LIFE

My opponent tonight, is a man who claims to be on a hot streak as of late. Ladies and gentlemen, my opponent tonight will be Red Fusion. 

OMJ: Now would've been a nice time for a "Cold Fusion" pun. Come on, 14 year old me!

Fusion, you've claimed that each of your competitors were to weak for your expertise.

OMJ: Which should be saying something considering what this expertise is.

You even issued a challenge to anybody to meet you in this very ring. You may call me a fool, but I have gladly accepted your challenge.

OMJ: Thanks for saving me the trouble, 14 year old me. Even back then, you were still somehow ahead of the curve!

You see, what better way is there to make an impact here in LWF than ending somebody's hot streak? Hell, you streak maybe hot, but my sting is hotter my friend.

OMJ: Like I said, "Cold Fusion"!

Now, don't get me wrong.

OMJ: You make it hard for me not to.

I respect your little accomplishments and that's why I accepted your challenge, so I can start setting my own accomplishments as well.

OMJ: Now that's what I call prioritizing. If you only you took similar initiative irl.

Tonight, it ain't just gonna be some old squash match.

OMJ: OH!!! HE'S EXPOSING THE BUSINESS!

Tonight, these people all has a chance to see The History in The Making. No, I'm not talkin' bout you Fusion, it's all about the Jermaine."

OMJ: Spoiler Alert: This is a future world champion right here.

"This won't be just any Warzone, it'll be our Warzone, Fusion.

OMJ: Sounds like me and Aya's sex PMs.

We will battle the hell out of us tonight,

OMJ: Good god almighty, you make Jumpin' Jeff Farmer sound coherent. Hell, you make Storm sound coherent! http://youtu.be/lUrfaDF4Gos

and Fusion, it'll take more than just some sappy wins to beat me. I've studied your kind style, and I think it'll just be too easy for me to Turn the Music Up tonight."

OMJ: Introducing, your future world champion of the world!

Jermaine drops the mic to a great avation from the crowd as he makes his way to the back. 

OMJ: *ovulation from the crowd

He stops at the top of the ramp and taunts for the fans who are chanting his name, as the screen fades out to black.

OMJ: Um, last I checked, your name isn't Bo. Hoooooey, we are in for a very short career, if the man in charge had any brain cells. Spoiler Alert: he didn't.