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Wumbo
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Hey guys! One more addition to this project in case you forgot: I am going to be making a list of my Top 100 Musicians and Bands of All Time. Preparing myself to be embarrassed, but hey, I've already done that multiple times over here.
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Full worst list:
Spoiler60. "Nothin' My Love Can't Fix" - Joey Lawrence (1993)
59. "It's Been Awhile" - Staind (2001)
58. "Wheels" - The String-A-Longs (1961)
57. "Right Thurr" - Chingy (2003)
56. "Tipsy" - J-Kwon (2004)
55. "Ring My Bell" - Anita Ward (1979)
54. "Lay Down Sally" - Eric Clapton (1978)
53. "Do You Really Want to Hurt Me" - Culture Club (1983)
52. "Gimme the Light" - Sean Paul (2002)
51. "Abracadabra" - Steve Miller Band (1982)
50. "Party Like a Rockstar" - Shop Boyz (2007)
49. "You and Me" - Lifehouse (2005/06)
48. "Do That to Me One More Time" - Captain & Tennille (1980)
47. "Norman" - Sue Thompson (1962)
46. "Washington Square" - The Village Stompers (1963)
45. "I Got Rhythm" - The Happenings (1967)
44. "Love Will Keep Us Together" - Captain & Tennille (1975)
43. "Everybody Loves Somebody" - Dean Martin (1964)
42. "Animals" - Maroon 5 (2014)
41. "What You Got" - Colby O'Donis ft. Akon (2008)
40. "Watch Me" - Silentó (2015)
39. "Lay Lady Lay" - Bob Dylan (1969)
38. "Yummy Yummy Yummy" - Ohio Express (1968)
37. "All That She Wants" - Ace of Base (1994)
36. "Sea of Love" - The Honeydrippers (1985)
35. "Glory of Love" - Peter Cetera (1986)
34. "Macarena" - Los Del Rio (1996)
33. "One Call Away" - Charlie Puth (2016)
32. "Juju on That Beat" - Zay Hilfigerrr & Zayion McCall (2017)
31. "Baby Don't Go" - Sonny & Cher (1965)
30. "Morning Train (Nine to Five)" - Sheena Easton (1981)
29. "Wildside" - Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch (1992)
28. "Get Up and Boogie" - Silver Convention (1976)
27. "Nonstop" - Drake (2018)
26. "I Finally Found Someone" - Barbra Streisand and Bryan Adams (1997)
25. "I Don't Care" - Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber (2019)
24. "Winchester Cathedral" - New Vaudeville Band (1966)
23. "Truly Madly Deeply" - Savage Garden (1998)
22. "Go Away Little Girl" - Donny Osmond (1971)
21. "Muskrat Love" - Captain & Tennille (1977)
20. "Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Nicki French (1995)
19. "Tell Me It's Real" - K-Ci & JoJo (1999)
18. "Sexy and I Know It" - LMFAO (2012)
17. "Harlem Shake" - Baauer (2013)
16. "Lean on Me" - Club Nouveau (1987)
15. "Alley Oop" - The Hollywood Argyles (1960)
14. "I Want to Be Your Man" - Roger (1988)
13. "Time Will Reveal" - DeBarge (1984)
12. "A Horse with No Name" - America (1972)
11. "Tonight, Tonight" - Hot Chelle Rae (2011)
10. "This One's for the Children" - New Kids on the Block (1990)
9. "Tie Me Down" - New Boyz ft. Ray J (2010)
8. "I Knew I Loved You" - Savage Garden (2000)
7. "Julie, Do Ya Love Me" - Bobby Sherman (1970)
6. "Pop Champagne" - Jim Jones ft. Ron Browz & Juelz Santana (2009)
5. "How Can I Fall?" - Breathe (1989)
4. "(You're) Having My Baby" - Paul Anka (1974)
3. "The Way You Do the Things You Do" - UB40 (1991)
2. "Alvin's Harmonica" - The Chipmunks (1959)
1. "Playground in My Mind" - Clint Holmes (1973)
Full best list:
Spoiler"Same Love" - Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert (2013)
"Wipe Out" - The Surfaris (1966)
"Nothing Compares 2 U" - Sinéad O'Connor (1990)
"Love the Way You Lie" - Eminem ft. Rihanna (2010)
"0 to 100/The Catch Up" - Drake (2014)
"Hit the Road Jack" - Ray Charles (1961)
"Light My Fire" - The Doors (1967)
"Green Onions" - Booker T. & the M.G.'s (1962)
"Celebration" - Kool & the Gang (1981)
"Follow You Down"/"Til I Hear It From You" - Gin Blossoms (1996)
"Fingertips" - Little Stevie Wonder (1963)
"Hurts So Good" - John Cougar (1982)
"Live Your Life" - T.I. ft. Rihanna (2008)
"We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" - Queen (1978)
"Born to Be Wild" - Steppenwolf (1968)
"Lose Yourself" - Eminem (2003)
"Stir Fry" - Migos (2018)
"Come on Eileen" - Dexys Midnight Runners (1983)
"Breaking the Habit" - Linkin Park (2004)
"Blinded by the Light" - Manfred Mann's Earth Band (1977)
"My Life Would Suck Without You" - Kelly Clarkson (2009)
"I Can't Get Next to You" - The Temptations (1969)
"Check Yo Self" - Ice Cube ft. Das EFX (1993)
"Regulate" - Warren G ft. Nate Dogg (1994)
"Ride" - twenty one pilots (2016)
"The House of the Rising Sun" - The Animals (1964)
"What'd I Say" - Ray Charles (1959)
"Georgia on My Mind" - Ray Charles (1960)
"Roundabout" - Yes (1972)
"Papa's Got a Brand New Bag" - James Brown (1965)
"One Week" - Barenaked Ladies (1998)
"Evil Woman" - Electric Light Orchestra (1976)
"Somebody That I Used to Know" - Gotye ft. Kimbra (2012)
"Without Me" - Eminem (2002)
"Since U Been Gone" - Kelly Clarkson (2005)
"25 or 6 to 4" - Chicago (1970)
"Hips Don't Lie" - Shakira ft. Wyclef Jean (2006)
"Stronger" - Kanye West (2007)
"Otherside" - Red Hot Chili Peppers (2000)
"Slide" - Goo Goo Dolls (1999)
"The Ballroom Blitz" - Sweet (1975)
"When the Party's Over" - Billie Eilish (2019)
"I Touch Myself" - Divinyls (1991)
"Smells Like Teen Spirit" - Nirvana (1992)
"Uptown Funk!" - Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars (2015)
"Smooth Criminal" - Michael Jackson (1989)
"Don't You (Forget About Me)" - Simple Minds (1985)
"With or Without You" - U2 (1987)
"What You Need" - INXS (1986)
"Boogie Wonderland" - Earth, Wind & Fire & The Emotions (1979)
"Won't Get Fooled Again" - The Who (1971)
10. "The Edge of Glory" - Lady Gaga (2011)
9. "Sweet Child o' Mine" - Guns N' Roses (1988)
8. "Hypnotize" - The Notorious B.I.G. (1997)
7. "DNA" - Kendrick Lamar (2017)
6. "Space Oddity" - David Bowie (1973)
5. "Ms. Jackson" - OutKast (2001)
4. "Living for the City" - Stevie Wonder (1974)
3. "Gangsta's Paradise" - Coolio ft. L.V. (1995)
2. "Call Me" - Blondie (1980)
1. "Let's Go Crazy" - Prince and The Revolution (1984)
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Ahh. We could all use a little positivity, couldn't we? These are my top 10 songs of Billboards' year-end history. Honestly did not think I would ever get to this point at times, but here we are.
Now, as with the all-time worst list, I only limited myself to the #1 picks from each year. This means there are a lot of songs I love to pieces that didn't even qualify for this list. So, don't think of it as something all-encompassing. Think of it as a summary of what I love about music and why I've stuck around doing this all this time. These songs are the cream of the crop. The best of the best. The other cliché I just happened to think of. Let's go!
Wumbo's Top 10 Billboard Year-End Hits of All Time
Spoiler10. "The Edge of Glory" - Lady Gaga (2011)
You ever just have one of those songs that you listen to for the first time and absolutely everything clicks? Not only that, but it totally gets you on the side of an artist you'd been ambivalent about at best up to that point? Maybe even a genre? Yeah, I'll admit. Before this song, I never really got the Lady Gaga hype. She was okay, but I wasn't really into the pop scene at that point in general. I grew up with rock music, and didn't really venture much further than, say, Kelly Clarkson or Pink when it came to pop. This song changed everything. This synth-popping, sax soloing, beauty of a song. It feels as anthemic as a Queen song, but even more danceable. And just like that, I got Gaga's appeal immediately, at least for this one song. It's a masterclass in anthemic power and really shows off Lady Gaga's pipes. I absolutely love this song to pieces, and even nine years later it feels like a breath of fresh air.
Spoiler9. "Sweet Child o' Mine" - Guns N' Roses (1988)
But if you really want to talk about anthems, you can't go wrong talking about "Sweet Child o' Mine". That opening guitar lick is burned into everyone's brain at this point. Amazing to think that such an iconic song can start with a guitar virtuoso noodling around in his basement. This is definitely the most meatheaded pick on this list, and the snobs will likely turn up their noses at this song, and the band in general. But I think Guns N' Roses deserve their accolades, not just for this song, but for the place they've carved out for themselves in music history in general. There really weren't too many bands in the mainstream doing what Guns N' Roses were doing. You could dismiss them as just another hair metal band, I suppose, but this is no ordinary hair metal ballad. It really does fly off the rails after that third chorus (or second, if you go by the music video's shortened version). Not many bands can take a statement like "where do we go now" (i.e. "we don't know how to end this song") and turn their song up to previously un-hit levels of awesome. Part of that is due to Slash's extreme shredding on the guitar. Part of that is due to Axl's desperate wailing. Guns N' Roses, whatever you want to say about them, are a band that put 100% effort into songs in their heyday, so it's no surprise to me that "Sweet Child o' Mine" stands out as one of the best "ballads" of the 80s.
Spoiler8. "Hypnotize" - The Notorious B.I.G. (1997)
Sorry, Tupac. At the end of the day, Biggie Smalls wins the battle of "best gangsta rapper who had a highly publicized murder in the mid-to-late 90s". With an intro like that, do you really need anything more? Probably.
Every time Biggie gets on the mic, you're in for a treat. It really doesn't matter what he's rapping about. He sounds so calm, cool, and collected. Particularly on this song, which has a bangin' beat you can bounce to and is basically the culmination of Biggie's tragically cut short career. A flex to end all the flexes. And again, what makes it work is Biggie's ever-flawless delivery. If there was ever a song to go out on, it was this one. One can only speculate what might have become of Biggie had he not been killed, but it's hard to imagine him going out on a higher high than this all the same.
Spoiler7. "DNA" - Kendrick Lamar (2017)
I GOT I GOT I GOT I GOT
Man, you go five years assuming that whenever you get to the end of this project, you assume "Edge of Glory" by Lady Gaga is going to top your best songs of the 2010s, because what could beat it? Sure, that guy Kendrick Lamar is showing legitimate talent, but Billboard never recognizes those kinds of artists. Sure, he'll get another Billboard hit. Sure he will. With the help of Taylor Swift, maybe.
This… doesn't happen. In some ways, it shouldn't happen. Songs like this are simply too far advanced for the Bill Board Hot One Hundred. But if it didn't happen, I couldn't talk about it. So let's talk about it. "DNA" is the only justification you need of "DAMN."'s existence. Even if you didn't feel the album as a whole, you can't deny the firepower coming off of this song. Kendrick spits on this song, and takes a massive shit on the right-wing pundits blasting hip hop as the root cause of Black Americans' suffering. You really don't need much more than just inserting the ridiculous soundbites in your righteous song. The stupidity speaks for itself, and Kendrick was right to just throw it in there without any further commentary needed. Did you know fucking Mike Will Made It made this? Between this and "Black Beatles", any sins he committed in the past were completely absolved by 2017. Fantastic song, can't praise it enough.
Spoiler6. "Space Oddity" - David Bowie (1973)
When a year opens by one of the greatest musical minds leaving this world, it doesn't exactly set a good precedent for the rest of the year. Indeed, that was the year we got Donald Trump as president. Certainly, David Bowie must have seen this coming and decided to check out before shit really hit the fan. When David Bowie died, this was the song I always came back to. It provided an extra level of catharsis as the emotions of a man potentially trapped in space echo the trapped feeling you have when a beloved icon of music, one of your favourite artists ever, passes away. It's a masterful song. I can't really think of anything else like it, and certainly Bowie's chameleon tendencies made sure that he never made a song like this again. Because really, how could you? As far as I'm concerned, this is Bowie's "Bohemian Rhapsody", and for a song to stand above other Bowie songs, it has to be something special.
Spoiler5. "Ms. Jackson" - OutKast (2001)
OutKast is the hip hop act for everyone, and "Ms. Jackson" is the hip hop song for everyone, particularly if you were caught up in an unhappy relationship with a girl whose surname is Jackson. But that's beside the point! What matters is that this song manages to have its cake and eat it too, providing a real emotional throughline about relationship troubles that feels unmistakably painful and heartbreaking at points, while still being an absolute banger. You just don't hear songs made like this anymore, it's like it was crafted by the gods. At the helm of this song, of course, are the two frontmen, André 3000 and Big Boi, each of whom provides a stunning performance that convey two different messages about the end of a relationship, André being more apologetic and Big Boi being more bitter. I wonder if they just did that because of alliteration. We'll never know. Kickass song, one I can come back to all the time for multiple reasons. A despondent song about a breakup shouldn't slap this hard, my god.
Spoiler4. "Living for the City" - Stevie Wonder (1974)
Stevie Wonder has been one of the most omnipresent figures on my best lists. Nearly every time he appeared on a Billboard list, so too would he appear on a best list (bearing in mind we forget about the 80s entirely). Interestingly, even with that amazing track record, he would only top those lists twice. Once was in 1963, back when he was still Little Stevie Wonder with "Fingertips". And let's be real, no one from fucking 1963 was gonna top Stevie Wonder. The other time was this one, and what a well-deserved placement it was. Again, kind of a down year for good pop music, especially for the 70s. Need we bring up Paul Anka again? But this song pretty much makes up for the rest of the year. It's funky, like Stevie always was. It's also Stevie Wonder at his most righteously pissed when appearing on the charts, given that "You Haven't Done Nothin'" missed the year-end lists entirely for some god damn reason. The interlude that shows the story of the man Stevie Wonder talks about in his lyrics is just masterful. It really paints the picture perfectly; you feel like you're in the middle of New York. It's an absolute firework of a song, and really deserves more credit when talking about Stevie Wonder's greatest hits. Fantastic.
Spoiler3. "Gangsta's Paradise" - Coolio ft. L.V. (1995)
1996 was one of the first year-end charts I covered from top to bottom. And as you know, I'm not above admitting mistakes and shortcomings. It's kind of a running gag. So let me be the first to say that I may have… made an error in judgment when I put a couple Gin Blossoms songs above this. Look, I still love Gin Blossoms. But no way do they beat out "Gangsta's Paradise", practically the rap song of the 90s. This basically sums it up: a gangsta's paradise. You hear so many songs from this era glamorizing this life, or at least making it sound appealing. Nothing about this song does that, unless you count that it still kicks ass. Coolio is quick to cut through the bullshit and describe the trappings of this lifestyle and the systematic issues that perpetuate it. It's a somber song that still blows the roof off of the house with L.V.'s soulful chorus and Coolio's emphatic, punching flow. It is actually insane to listen to other Coolio songs that got big, because they don't have anywhere near this pathos. It basically relegates him to one-hit-wonder status despite having three or four actual hits. But what a hit this one is, I mean, it hits you right in the gut. Michelle Pfeiffer asked for it when asked Coolio to tell her what this was all about. Lady, you got your answer. It's a rotten yet often-glamourized life that Coolio details, and it's the knife that stabs through the veneer of all other songs of its style. A brutal and brutally honest piece of art.
Spoiler2. "Call Me" - Blondie (1980)
It really feels like I should have more to say about my #2 pick, particularly because I've waxed poetic about so many songs that came before it. But I really have nothing to add here except… this is just a perfect song. It's annoying how perfect this song is, particularly the way it leaves me with so little to say. Feels like I'd be tainting it to talk about it, like trying to talk about the Mona Lisa. The best thing I can say about this song is that it's "Call Me" by Blondie. And if you don't like it, fuck you.
Spoiler1. "Let's Go Crazy" - Prince & the Revolution (1984)
Making a top 10 list like this is, in many ways, complicated and stupid. This entire project has, in many ways, been complicated and stupid. But particularly this one list. This is a list that should be definitive by its very nature. The best songs in Billboard year-end history. Yet, the dirty secret with opinions like these is that they are not always rigid. They can change. What external factors could persuade me to put this Prince song at the very top? What reasons could I have to make this my favourite billboard song of all time?
Well, "Purple Rain" didn't appear on a year-end list. But ANYWAY
There's something about a year as rotten and depressing as 2020 that makes you want to rebel. And in 2020, the way to rebel is party. But because I'm not an idiot who wants to get others infected, I want to party through music. And I can't think of any better party song that sounds like the end of the fucking world than this one. It's pretty much just what the doctor ordered. At the same time, though, I'd like to think that my pick is not dependent on wanting to break free from such a crappy year. Because Prince transcends years. He's one of the few artists of the 80s you could accurately call "timeless", particularly this song. He was such a ludicrously talented musician that people who didn't know him would think he was a myth. And it's exactly this song, no matter where I am, no matter what I'm doing, that puts me in a good mood every. Single. Time.
"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called life", it begins. Amen. Any song that acknowledges the pain and suffering we all go through in life right from the get-go, with the promise of a bombshell party to go with it, is right up my alley. It's a song that rebels against the very nature of negativity, however. It spits in the face of life's troubles and the elevators trying to bring you down. It is an angry, defiant song of hope. It turns my world upside down and right side up again. In all the ways that life doesn't make sense, this song just does. Prince was one of the most gifted musicians who ever walked this planet. And he gave us this song, and so much more. It is truly a blessing to have existed in the same rotten world with him, because he made it that much better. And "Let's Go Crazy" is my favourite song in Billboard Year-End History.
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somebody oughta put her in a box floatin down the river
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I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreamingI could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Ooh, every moment spent with you is a moment I treasureDon't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thing'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thingLying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeingThen I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
And I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and everI don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thing'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thingAnd I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
Well, I just want to be with you, right here with you
Just like thisI just want to hold you close
I feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all of the rest of time
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah!Don't want to close my eyes
Don't want to fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thing'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thingI don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thing'Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you, babe
And I don't want to miss a thingDon't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep, yeah
I don't want to miss a thing -
"Band on the Run" - Wings
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So… it's come to this.
We have finally reached the bottom of the barrel. The scum of the sea. The absolute, undeniable, WORST SONGS IN BILLBOARD YEAR-END HISTORY!
I scoured through the 60-odd songs that I placed at the bottom of each of my Worst Lists for each Billboard Year-End chart. And after boatloads of memories came flooding back, I found the worst of that bunch. There is no place further for these songs to hide. They may have had their day in court, but now they will be subject to extra sentencing. Let's go!
…But before we do, a couple of scattered shout-outs to specific songs and milestones:
First, shout out to Captain and Tennille, who managed to top the worst list three separate times, yet were spared from the worst of the worst. Congratulations on being consistently, acceptably terrible. And RIP Daryl Dragon.
Second, shout out to "You and Me" by Lifehouse, which is the only song to have repeated a top position on the worst list, appearing both in 2005 and 2006! Yet it does not make the list, because the nostalgia bug is just that potent.
And finally, shout out to "It's Been Awhile" by Staind and "Nothin' My Love Can't Fix" by Joey Lawrence, which really aren't that bad and probably don't deserve to be mentioned here at all. But they grinded my gears at some point, so they sit at the "top" of this list regardless.
Now! Let's get it started.
Wumbo's Bottom 10 Billboard Year-End Hits of All Time
Spoiler10. "This One's for the Children" - New Kids on the Block (1990)
I can take schmaltz and cheese. But this song hits that "dead zone" of not being sincere enough, nor cheesy enough, to be anything good. I straight up don't understand why this was made. Well, I do. People eat up these songs all the time, particularly in the late 80s and the early 90s.
I realize this seems like a cruel placement, given the supposed "good intentions" of this song. But there's no indication that there was any intent behind this song to send a potent message. It's just vague, quasi-inspirational crap sung by, let's be honest, not a very good boy band. At their very best, New Kids on the Block were acceptably campy and even catchy. This structure of song does nothing for their weak vocal performances and garbage lyric writing. Many people are happy, many people are sad. Count me in the "sad" category as far as this song goes.
Spoiler9. "Tie Me Down" - New Boyz ft. Ray J (2010)
If we can give the 2010s credit for one thing, it's that we figured out rather quickly not to invest in LMFAO and especially these guys for the decade. As such, they did minimal damage. Or so you'd think. Because this is easily the worst song of the decade. I know I've waxed pessimistic on a lot of the more current worst lists. But as bad as burnouts like Silentó are, or oddities like "Harlem Shake", nothing compares to the sheer incompetence and annoyance of this. These guys have anti-charisma. They could step into a room with Tom Hanks and turn him into Charlie Sheen.
It's hard to know where to start with this one. It's just plain ugly. The sentiments, the "vocals" (which are a textbook example of using autotune wrong), the farting synth that can only charitably be called a "beat". I was a teenager in 2010, and I don't remember ever hearing this one. I'm astonished it made it on to the year-end list at all, but it certainly deserves a spot on the worst list. Just listening to it makes me need to take a shower.
Spoiler8. "I Knew I Loved You" - Savage Garden (2000)
Savage Garden is exactly the kind of schmaltz that triggers the gag reflex in my body. There has to be an upper limit to how much the general public is expected to take, but if there was, I imagine this wouldn't have made the cut. This may seem like an odd choice, given all the other crap I've had to deal with from other years, but this has all the sickening sweetness of a squeaky-clean boy band with none of the bite or edge. I'm dead serious. This song was meant to be played in the background. Nothing more. You just don't get good music from songs like these. It's too weak to really be meaningful, and not catchy enough to stick with you. And yet, it did.
Savage Garden had another hit song in 1998 that topped my worst list that year, but at least that one had a hook. This feels like the b-side to that song, and when I'm negatively comparing worst songs to other worst songs, well, that's a bad song. Seriously, who let this get popular? This bland sappy piece of shit. Surely we had better music in 2000 than this.
Spoiler7. "Julie, Do Ya Love Me" - Bobby Sherman (1970)
Of the many, many, MANY teen idols making music in the 70s, this was by FAR the worst. (If you don't count the one guy, but we'll get to him.) This is the song that most feels like it was shat out with virtually no care or thought at all. Just one take, one read-through, and we're good to go. Also, Bobby Sherman doesn't have a very good voice. It legitimately feels like they just took a guy off the street, told him to grow his hair long, and take basic music lessons. I know I say that about a lot of guys, but seriously. This guy has like, half an octave in range, maybe? It sounds like he's just sleepwalking his way through the song, which, I would too if I had a song with lyrics as trite and meaningless as this. Just… why? Why would you listen to this voluntarily? If you did, I would be deeply concerned for you and implore you to do better because… my god.
Spoiler6. "Pop Champagne" - Jim Jones ft. Ron Browz & Juelz Santana (2009)
Even in the autotune-laden, bottom-of-the-barrel standards of the late 2000s, it astonishes me that people thought that this was adequate consumption material for the public. This song is to me what "Break Up" is to Todd; it is an unlistenable cacophony of disjointed noise to the point of feeling like you're trapped in an evil funhouse. My jaw actually dropped when I heard this song; it feels like it was mixed by a five-year-old being coached by a seven-year-old. This "chorus", if we can even call it that, haunts my nightmares. It sounds like a tortured walrus. I don't think any of these guys survived into the next decade, and thank fuck for that. We had enough to deal with in 2010 already.
Spoiler5. "How Can I Fall?" - Breathe (1989)
You know… there are a lot of cheesy songs from the 80s. A lot, a lot. And many of them somehow manage to be completely flavourless as well. I know, cheesy and flavourless. It doesn't make much sense. But maybe it will once you hear this song. Because this is one cheesy, flavourless song. I can't imagine any "I Love The 80s" compilations mentioning these guys. This is the epitome of forgettable 80s shit. You know, you hear the cheesy Chicago-style music, but… as shit-blisteringly awful as Peter Cetera's voice is, it is at least a presence. It makes me feel something. That something is unbridled rage, but somehow that wins out over this tepid piece of shit. This frontman has the least inspired voice I've ever heard. It sounds like he's singing in his sleep. And the song puts me to sleep, so I guess if we're both asleep, we're both unconscious. Which is preferable to listening to this any night. Blech.
Spoiler4. "(You're) Having My Baby" - Paul Anka (1974)
I know the running gag for a while going through these lists was "fuck Paul Anka", like he was the most despicable human being on Earth. And it remained a meme because it remained true! Not for any of his other songs, which upon retrospect are all just kind of dull and dweeby, but for this specific one. This is the one song guaranteed to taint a man's entire career. That bad.
I can't… even begin to imagine what level of inbreeding you have to be on to enjoy this song. At least with "Afternoon Delight", you just have to be a dork to enjoy it. To enjoy this song, you have to be a dork, as well as have an affinity for soused uncles singing karaoke, as well as have a staunchly anti-abortion stance! So maybe more of these people exist than I'd like. But it doesn't mean I have to like this… awful song. It's in that dead zone where I guess everyone technically remembers it, but no one wants to. And yet if I had to name a Paul Anka song, my mind would jump to this one. Because it is uniquely terrible enough to hang on a man's conscience for the rest of his life. Every time I hear this song, I want to retch. And we still have three to go! We still have three to go. Lord have mercy on me.
Spoiler3. "The Way You Do the Things You Do" - UB40 (1991)
That's a fake crowd in that video. That video was made in 2020, where fake crowds are all the rage. It's the only way I can explain how there is a lively, screaming crowd at a UB40 concert. Because… look, I still have to have some hope for humanity, y'know? And I can't have that with the very dissonant image of UB40 doing their usual discount reggae shtick combined with a crowd looking like they're actually enjoying it. I can't. My mind can't comprehend it.
UB40 is trash, and if you like them, then you must have never heard a black person make music. I've seen the culture vulture label aimed at Michael Bolton as well, and certainly he's guilty of a lot of the things UB40 are, but at the very least he tries to sell an impassioned performance. Like, Christ. Is it too much to ask that UB40 lead "singer" Ali Campbell finds a tone in his voice that doesn't sound like a buzzing radiator?
I've tried. I've really tried to give this band a fair shake, despite the lack of creativity, despite the watered down cod-reggae, despite the fact that I could travel to any dive bar and hear a better performance. Despite everything. And yet it always comes down to the fact that Ali Campbell simply has one of the worst voices in music history. Every time he opens his mouth, it's like a cross between a whiny toddler and a broken air conditioner. If he weren't the lead singer, the covers would still be terrible, insulting, childlike, cod-reggae garbage that sounds like a broken resort drum machine. But it is Ali Campbell that pushes it over the edge every time. It actually pisses me off that UB40 are a band with hits. Imagine all the good music that could be played in place of them. UB40 are a wasted opportunity of a band, and are better off standing for Uninspired Banality, so at least you wouldn't have to waste an opportunity listening to them.
Spoiler2. "Alvin's Harmonica" - The Chipmunks (1959)
I want to explain something to you. Going through the Billboard charts has been a lot of fun. But it has also taken years off my life span. I've had to deal with double singles, Vine rappers, bad novelty songs, Chris Brown. But the one thing I will never forgive Billboard for is calling Alvin and the Chipmunks hitmakers, and thereby forcing me to listen to them. This is their biggest sin, and I credit this song specifically with my eventual untimely death.
What was in the water in '59 that made people want to listen to this? It barely even functions as a song. It's like a godawful skit made by someone who just figured out how pitch shifting works. The song… I think… is supposed to encompass all the interludes of Dave yelling at Alvin because he won't sing some dumb love song right, and would rather play his harmonica. I say, let him play the harmonica! It's bound to sound better than anything The Chipmunks would sing. But this whole thing feels futile, because I'm getting all huffy over a group of cartoon chipmunks. So I'm not angry at the chipmunks per se. I'm angry at Billboard for justifying their existence with not one, but two hit songs. And rest assured, if I counted #2 worst songs, that Christmas thing would be on here too. Just a terrible experience all around, doesn't make any sense. But then… there is one worse.
Spoiler1. "Playground in My Mind" - Clint Holmes (1973)
I bet you all forgot about this one! I bet you listened to it when I made my worst of '73, thought "huh, that was weird" and promptly went on with your lives! How lucky you all are, not to have this song festering in the back of your mind for the better part of five years. KILL ME.
Of all the songs on this list, of all the songs in Billboard's Year-End history, this is the biggest question mark for me. This song… why does it exist? Why was it popular? Who is Clint Holmes? Do we need to put him on a list? Who could possibly find this endearing? Where is that kid who helped sing the chorus of this song, and does he realize the damage he has caused to my psyche?
This has it all. It's the very, very worst of kitschy 70s shit, mixed with an awful idea for a song compounded with terrible framing in its choices, and it's supremely creepy to this day. I especially don't like how Clint Holmes sings along with the child on the chorus. It's not right! It just shouldn't happen. And yet, it has. "Playground in My Mind" will remain the greatest mystery of the Billboard charts to me, and I will spend the rest of my life wondering if I dreamed it up, despite having multiple pieces of evidence telling me that this song is, indeed, real. You can search it up on YouTube. It's there, for everyone to hear it! What a world we live in.
If this was the first song I ever heard, I would never listen to music again. You simply can't have a medium of art and use it for monstrosities like this. We need to come together and defeat the enemy of "Playground in My Mind" before it infects us all, and none of us are ever quite the same. In fact, if you've never heard this song, don't click on the link! Save yourself. You don't need this. None of us did. And if you like the song… I sincerely hope it has unlocked something joyous and wonderful in you, that I couldn't hope to access. Because otherwise, Clint Holmes is holding you hostage and blink twice if you need rescuing. We're all in this together. Stay strong.
Well, that was fun! Up next, of course, is the best list. Same rules, but in reverse. When will it come out? Who knows? I have a job now! You're lucky to get this! Stay tuned!
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1 hour ago, 4EverGreen said:
What is the unfortunate event that immediately follows this gif?
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On 8/26/2020 at 2:54 PM, Wumbo said:
Well... stay tuned for an announcement tomorrow.
or the day after we're operating on covid 19 time here you can't expect me to be perfectOkay! Yes, I am back. Here to tell you that this project is NOT over. At least, not yet. I still have some unfinished business that I'd like to get to, and it is as follows:
I will begin by posting my Bottom 10 Songs in Billboard Year-End History. These will be the most insidious songs from my Bottom 10 lists that have truly earned their spots as being the most rancid songs I've ever had the displeasure of listening to while doing this project. All #1 worst songs from every year are eligible.
Next, I will reverse the message by posting my Top 10 Songs in Billboard Year-End History! These will be the songs from my Top 10 lists that stick with me most to this day. All the #1 songs will be eligible (yes, even that one).
Finally, as a cap-off to this project, I will reveal my Top 100 Artists of All Time, regardless of whether they made Billboard year-end charts or not. I'm not doing a Bottom Artists list because that's too much negativity, and I want to end this on the most positive note possible. Stay tuned for all of these in the coming weeks and months!
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The last time I'll have to do one of these, as well:
"Mrs. Robinson": Not exactly one of my fave Simon & Garfunkel songs, but certainly cemented its mark in music history.
"Scarborough Fair": Even less of a favourite of mine, and I don't think this one has held up to the test of time.
"Hello, I Love You": The Doors have always exuded this aura of coolness, but it's not really enough for this song to be top tier in their catalogue.
"Sunshine of Your Love": Iconic guitar riff is enough to make it Top 20.
"Mony Mony": I vastly prefer the Billy Idol version.
"Magic Carpet Ride": In contrast to "Born to Be Wild", this song feels quite aimless by comparison. That's what you get when you completely pivot from your buildup in the intro into a perfectly normal verse. That said, I do like the song. John Kay has a really distinctive voice that carried this band.
"Dock of the Bay": Classic. Untouchable. #14. I'm an idiot.
"Young Girl": I wasn't really impressed with much of this group's output, but this one had a soaring chorus I just couldn't ignore, and Gary Puckett's voice does shine through here.
"MacArthur Park": No version of this song is ever going to be good. Like, is it supposed to be a joke that the metaphor in the chorus is so lame? Are we supposed to think it's poetic? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE
"Green Tamborurine": Meh.
"Suzie Q.": Love CCR, love Fogerty's iconic voice. Just another great song in their catalogue.
"White Room": Eric Clapton may be a dick, but his guitar riffs really do Cream songs more justice than they probably deserve.
"Do You Know the Way to San Jose": I'm sure this music appeals to somebody. You find them and play this song for them, and have a nice day.
"Light My Fire": It doesn't match The Doors' original by any stretch, but an interesting take on the song nonetheless.
The Rascals: I deeply do not care about The Rascals. Great Value version of a 60s group.
"Delilah": how did we let this guy have a career
"Lady Madonna": This is pretty low on the list of Beatles songs I'd like to hear again. Just kind of... annoying?
"I've Gotta Get a Message to You": This is before the Bee Gees would really blow up, and it does kind of feel like proto-Bee Gees in that sense.
"The Mighty Quinn": A song with a title like this should probably be more interesting.
"(Sweet Sweet Baby) Since You've Been Gone": Aretha Franklin is a goddess.
Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell: These are fine enough. I think Marvin Gaye has made much more thought-provoking and important music, but these are good.
All right! So that's the end, right? Well... stay tuned for an announcement tomorrow.
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1968! A good year for music? Yes! I have done 60 of these now, I've ran out of ways to introduce 'em. So fuck it! Let's gooooo
Wumbo's Top 10 Hits of 1968
SpoilerIf there's one thing people remember the 60s for, it's drugged-out psychedelic rock like this.
10. "Time Has Come Today" - The Chambers Brothers
This is one of the most iconic songs of that era, and by "iconic" I mean "iconic and also long", which seems to be a prerequisite for a song being iconic in 60s rock. It's just a fun, rambunctious, sing-along song that threads the line between Dylan and Hendrix. You have to wonder if this is the song that inspired Jimi to cover "All Along the Watchtower". If so, another point in its favour.
Yeah, maybe it's a little long, as most ten-minute-plus songs are, but it does make the most of its length, switching up the tempo and instrumentation every so often to keep things interesting (I think it starts playing "Little Drummer Boy" at one point, so put this one on during the holidays), but bringing it back to that familiar hook. It's a perfect addition to the class of '68 in psychedelic rock.
SpoilerThe great thing about a cover song is that sometimes you can unlock the hidden potential the song has. As an example:
9. "You Keep Me Hangin' On" - Vanilla Fudge
Now, I like The Supremes' version as well. It's peppy and fun, and still brings the much-needed energy to the song. But Vanilla Fudge's version is where the heartbreak and anguish really shines through. And normally I don't really like covers like this! Take the awful "Dancing on My Own" cover for example. Overwrought and painful to listen to. It ranks above Robyn's in the YouTube search bar, by the way. Criminal.
Anyway, Vanilla Fudge has the advantage of being a rock band that can still add some much-needed edge to the song. If this was indeed simply a ballad, it would probably be as overwrought as the aforementioned "Dancing on My Own" cover. But because Vanilla Fudge is allowed to do their own thing with the song, it creates a better performance that doesn't necessarily need big vocals to emphasize the heartbreak and pain. It actually ends up working better than The Supremes' version, which is a bit too simple for my tastes. This has a lot more going on in an era of music that had a lot more going on. Plus, I like vanilla fudge as a treat. So there ya go.
SpoilerWell, it's not hard to see why this song is on here. All you have to do is…
8. "Think" - Aretha Franklin
In particular, you have to think that Aretha Franklin is one of the greatest voices and personalities to come out of the 60s. She came out swinging with "Respect" a year earlier, and this song just solidifies her place in pop culture. It's an inspiration of a song. It brings me joy whenever I listen to it. There's really not much more to say. If you hear it, you'll probably love it too.
SpoilerI think it's so groovy now…
7. "Reach Out of the Darkness" - Friend & Lover
It's funny. You fast-forward ten years and this sounds corny as all hell probably. But right in the hippy-dippy 60s? It fits perfectly. Context is everything.
Really, Cathy Post (who I assume is the "Lover" of Friend & Lover?) carries this song. Jim, y'know, he's fine, but he just doesn't have the pipes that Cathy has on this song, or at least he doesn't show it. But Cathy is enough to make this song go top tier. Every part she chimes in is perfect, and that chorus splits the difference between the peace and love and drugs of the 60s.
Killer bassline too. You know what, I take it back. This probably could have worked in the 70s. Maybe a bit dated-sounding, but the message of the song rings clear and is still enjoyable to listen to today, so I don't think there's a problem! Sometimes you need a song like this that has some edge musically but is still syrupy sweet at its core.
SpoilerAnd now, a song that needs no introduction… which means I've already screwed things up. Fuck.
6. "Hey Jude" - The Beatles
"Hey Jude" is pretty much impossible to write about at this point. Everyone knows it, everyone loves it. It's easily one of The Beatles' most beloved songs, and given that they're one of the world's most beloved bands, that says a lot. You'd think that a song that goes "na na na na na" for half its runtime would get old. It surprisingly doesn't. That's the kind of enchanting power that The Beatles have. They can make the most inane moments soulful.
It helps that the song was inspired by Paul wanting to comfort Julian Lennon after his parent's divorce. Of course John thought the song was for him, because John thought everything was about him. But really, it works at a universal level. It's a very soothing song, no matter who it's sung to. The person doesn't even have to be named Jude. Or Julian. Or John. Classic song, never get tired of it.
SpoilerAnd if there was any group to rival The Beatles in popularity in the 60s, it was this one. And for good reason.
5. "Love Child" - The Supremes
It is amazing how infectious The Supremes' music is. They were the perfect pop group, and even among their amazing catalog, this stands high as one of their best songs. You could argue that this is a funk song, ahead of its time like James Brown was. You might even see elements of disco in there. I don't think this song intentionally decided to move things forward. I just think it's a matter of picking what sounds good. And boy, does this sound good. It's a ridiculously catchy song with a killer hook and beat. What more could you want?
SpoilerOf course, The Supremes weren't the only ones pushing music forward. This up-and-coming group got their first Top 10 hit with this, and it certainly set the stage for what was to come.
4. "Dance to the Music" - Sly & the Family Stone
Yet another song I got introduced to through the Shrek karaoke dance party. Like all people who came of age in the mid-to-late 2000s, I'm sure. Of course, the song sounds much better coming from Sly & the Family Stone than it does coming from, say, Pinocchio. No idea why, but it just does.
There's not much to say here. Songs with titles like "Dance to the Music" tend to be pretty self-explanatory. So stop reading my shit and dance to the music!
SpoilerWatch it!
3. "Jumpin' Jack Flash" - The Rolling Stones
The Rolling Stones were like The Beatles' older, edgier brothers. Even when The Beatles became more experimental, the Stones reigned supreme as the band to listen to if you wanted hard rock in the 60s. Other bands would try to take the crown, but none would succeed until the 70s. and with these riffs, it's easy to see why. This song is literally about nothing. Well okay, not nothing. It's about Keith Richards' gardener, who he and Jagger called "Jumpin' Jack" one night, and it kind of evolved from there. It's the same sort of writing process that turns "scrambled eggs" into "yesterday". Another song with a great hook and guitar lick, both to be remembered for years. It's a gas!
SpoilerBuuut when it comes to the battle of '68, The Beatles win.
2. "Revolution" - The Beatles
Here's a song that kind of splits the difference between The Beatles and hard rock, and what a song to do it. Another one of The Beatles' most fondly remembered songs, this one is clearly a standout in their catalog. Some have argued that it's the song that really brought politics into hard rock. I don't know if that's the case, based purely on my thinking that The Beatles get credited for too many things, but it's certainly an important song in the conversation. It's called "Revolution", for God's sake.
There are a lot of different points brought up in this song. It seems like Lennon has a world's worth of experiences that made him want to write something like this, this confused, muddled song. No, really. He literally goes "you can count me out - in". It's a song about revolution, yet Lennon isn't quite sure what he stands for. And that in itself can be a stable message for a song! I'm sure he captured what a lot of youth in the late 60s were feeling, with political upheaval and war being omnipresent, and the "Summer of Love" encouraging hippy-dippy peace and love, man. It's enough to make anyone's head spin. So maybe uncertainty isn't the worst take. Of course, there are songs that take a harder stance, and maybe those are more successful as political songs. But this one still captures the zeitgeist, with some kickass guitar to boot. And hey, aren't things more distraught than ever? Maybe John Lennon isn't the person to lead a revolution, but he bothered to say what people feel, and it makes for a great song.
SpoilerIf there was a song to sum up the late 60s on this year-end chart, it was this one. It mixes the carefree attitude of getting out and exploring the world with the first steps to heavy metal music that would thrive in the 70s and 80s. Wild, man.
1. "Born to Be Wild" - Steppenwolf
Steppenwolf didn't really cross over to the USA minus this song and "Magic Carpet Ride", but they were truly one of the best examples of late 60s hard rock you could find. And it's not hard to see why when you listen to this song. It's just a ton of fun. It feels triumphant in every way, building up all the way to the title line which feels like the perfect cap to all the manic energy. It's easy to see why they used this song in Easy Rider. It feels like a motorcycle ride, with the wind whipping through your long hippie hair, cruising down the highway without a care in the world. Sometimes a song just needs to be that. With John Kay's gravelly voice leading the charge, along with those keyboard and guitar riffs, this song is an absolute joy. And if I gotta end off my year-end lists, I'm glad it's with this song.
Thank you so much for reading! I can't believe it's come to an end. Or has it? Stay tuned!
Full List:
Spoiler1. "Born to Be Wild" - Steppenwolf
2. "Revolution" - The Beatles
3. "Jumpin' Jack Flash" - The Rolling Stones
4. "Dance to the Music" - Sly & the Family Stone
5. "Love Child" - The Supremes
6. "Hey Jude" - The Beatles
7. "Reach out of the Darkness" - Friend & Lover
8. "Think" - Aretha Franklin
9. "You Keep Me Hangin' On" - Vanilla Fudge
10. "Time Has Come Today" - The Chambers Brothers
11. "Piece of My Heart" - Big Brother and the Holding Company
12. "I Say a Little Prayer" - Aretha Franklin
13. "(Sweet Sweet Baby) Since You've Been Gone" - Aretha Franklin
14. "(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay" - Otis Redding
15. "Young Girl" - Gary Puckett & The Union Gap
16. "Tighten Up" - Archie Bell & the Drells
17. "Little Green Apples" - O.C. Smith
18. "Say It Loud - I'm Black and I'm Proud" - James Brown
19. "Sunshine of Your Love" - Cream
20. "Spooky" - Classics IV
21. "La-La (Means I Love You)" - The Delfonics
22. "Fire" - The Crazy World of Arthur Brown
23. "Pictures of Matchstick Men" - Status Quo
24. "Summertime Blues" - Blue Cheer
25. "I Got the Feelin'" - James Brown
26. "I Wish It Would Rain" - The Temptations
27. "Baby, Now That I've Found You" - The Foundations
28. "Magic Carpet Ride" - Steppenwolf
29. "Suzie Q." - Creedence Clearwater Revival
30. "If You Can Want" - Smokey Robinson and the Miracles
31. "White Room" - Cream
32. "Sweet Inspiration" - The Sweet Inspirations
33. "Mrs. Robinson" - Simon & Garfunkel
34. "Sealed with a Kiss" - Gary Lewis and the Playboys
35. "Hello, I Love You" - The Doors
36. "You're All I Need to Get By" - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
37. "Angel of the Morning" - Merrilee Rush
38. "Stoned Soul Picnic" - The 5th Dimension
39. "Ain't Nothing Like the Real Thing" - Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell
40. "Here Comes the Judge" - Shorty Long
41. "Love is All Around" - The Troggs
42. "The Horse" - Cliff Nobles
43. "Slip Away" - Clarence Carter
44. "I Thank You" - Sam & Dave
45. "The Mighty Quinn" - Manfred Mann
46. "I Love You" - People!
47. "Light My Fire" - José Feliciano
48. "Love is Blue" - Paul Mauriat
49. "Those Were the Days" - Mary Hopkin
50. "I've Gotta Get a Message to You" - Bee Gees
51. "Cowboys to Girls" - The Intruders
52. "The Look of Love" - Sérgio Mendes
53. "Classical Gas" - Mason Williams
54. "Never Give You Up" - Jerry Butler
55. "Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day" - Stevie Wonder
56. "Stay in My Corner" - The Dells
57. "Hey, Western Union Man" - Jerry Butler
58. "Take Time to Know Her" - Percy Sledge
59. "Bend Me, Shape Me" - The American Breed
60. "Lady Madonna" - The Beatles
61. "Green Tambourine" - The Lemon Pipers
62. "Hurdy Gurdy Man" - Donovan
63. "Harper Valley PTA" - Jeannie C. Riley
64. "The Fool on the Hill" - Sérgio Mendes
65. "1, 2, 3, Red Light" - 1910 Fruitgum Company
66. "Soul Serenade" - Willie Mitchell
67. "Sky Pilot" - The Animals
68. "Cab Driver" - The Mills Brothers
69. "Turn Around, Look at Me" - The Vogues
70. "MacArthur Park" - Richard Harris
71. "Scarborough Fair" - Simon & Garfunkel
72. "Midnight Confessions" - The Grass Roots
73. "Over You" - Gary Puckett & The Union Gap
74. "Goin' Out of My Head/Can't Take My Eyes Off You" - The Lettermen
75. "Do You Know the Way to San Jose" - Dionne Warwick
76. "Delilah" - Tom Jones
77. "Nobody but Me" - The Human Beinz
78. "Grazing in the Grass" - Hugh Masekala
79. "I Wonder What She's Doing Tonight" - Tommy Boyce & Bobby Hart
80. "People Got to Be Free" - The Rascals
81. "Lady Willpower" - Gary Puckett & The Union Gap
82. "Mony Mony" - Tommy James and the Shondells
83. "(Theme from) Valley of the Dolls" - Dionne Warwick
84. "Hold Me Tight" - Johnny Nash
85. "Woman, Woman" - Gary Puckett & The Union Gap
86. "Elenore" - The Turtles
87. "Simon Says" - 1910 Fruitgum Company
88. "The Unicorn" - The Irish Rovers
89. "Playboy" - Gene & Debbe
90. "A Beautiful Morning" - The Rascals
91. "Indian Lake" - The Cowsills
92. "The Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde" - Georgie Fame
93. "Judy in Disguise (With Glasses)" - John Fred & His Playboy Band
94. "Cry Like a Baby" - The Box Tops
95. "This Guy's in Love With You" - Herb Alpert
96. "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" - Hugo Montenegro
97. "Honey" - Bobby Goldsboro
98. "Bottle of Wine" - The Fireballs
99. "Girl Watcher" - The O'Kaysions
100. "Yummy Yummy Yummy" - Ohio Express
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7 hours ago, Old Man Jenkins said:
This could be Patrick's big break
lord imagine if they named it that
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The end is nigh.
We have finally reached, after nearly seven years, the final one of these lists! Unless I decide to make one for 2020. Anything's possible for this year. But yes, as far as my retro-retrospectives go, this is it. 1968! After this, we are done.
…So what do we do now?
I don’t think 1968 was particularly great or bad. There are certainly great and bad songs, and we'll get to 'em, but the year as a whole kind of falls into the middle of all the years I've covered thus far. So that's what we're ending on. Yippee. All right, let's start off with…
Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1968
SpoilerLook, in an era where the Washington Redskins finally change their name, a song with this title was bound for this list.
10. "Indian Lake" - The Cowsills
Okay, so first off, this opening sketch. The Partridge Family these guys are not, and I don't even like The Partridge Family. And the song can basically be thrown into that pile too. It's a very substance-free song. I know I said this isn't the early 60s, but this one actually feels like an early 60s song, basically a travel brochure for Indian Lake… with some questionable lyrics.
At Indian Lake, you'll be able to make the way the Indians do
I'll be able to… make? Make what? Make my way out of talking about this song?
And of course there's a break for them to "whoop", because it's 1968 and we haven't learned how to be decent human beings yet. What's the point of this song? Why would anyone listen to it? Except to put it on a bad list, apparently.
Spoiler9. "The Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde" - Georgie Fame
This is the Cruella de Vil song.
They made the Cruella de Vil song about real people. I don't think I need to go any further. Not that the Cruella de Vil song is bad, but this is exactly the flavour of song I would expect from the early 60s, that is, underwhelming and old-fashioned. I'm just not sure what the use is for a song like this in the late 60s. When do you put it on? It's not exactly a kid-friendly song, and you can't really dance to it or listen to it casually. A slapdash history lesson? Schoolhouse Rock couldn't have been that far off.
The whole endeavor strikes me as pointless. A dumb song that puts me to sleep. Bonnie and Clyde deserved better.
SpoilerWhat do you get when you rip off a song title from The Beatles, a band name from Gary Lewis, and annoy the piss out of everyone with your voice? You get this!
8. "Judy in Disguise (With Glasses)" - John Fred & His Playboy Band
This is a meaningless song. The only reason it even exists is because John Fred misheard the song "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds" as "Lucy in Disguise with Diamonds", and decided to make a song title loosely based off of that. Never mind that the whole thing doesn't make sense, isn't funny or engaging, and takes a break to make grunting sounds that I'd rather not listen too closely too.
Another dumb song, not much more to it. Next!
SpoilerOh, I will.
7. "Cry Like a Baby" - The Box Tops
Eh… maybe this one isn't that bad, but it fell in here all the same, which means I can't find it too remarkable. And indeed, it really doesn't do much at all. A shame, because this band, and Alex Chilton, have done much, much better.
SpoilerWhat can I say? He works better as an instrumentalist.
6. "This Guy's in Love with You" - Herb Alpert
Just a completely unremarkable song. If you're into it, fine, but I know 1968 can do better. I know because I ranked the rest of it. Shall we move on?
Spoiler5. "The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly" - Hugo Montenegro
This isn't even bad, but I've reached my limit with movie instrumentals on the pop charts.
SpoilerNow this, on the other hand… yeah, this is bad.
4. "Honey" - Bobby Goldsboro
This is the epitome of 60s cheese. I have no idea how anyone could listen to this with a straight face. It's one of the most dull and bland songs of the 60s, and that says a lot. These lyrics are so basic. No, not even basic. Childlike.
She wrecked the car and she was sad
So afraid that I'd be mad but what the heck
Though I pretended hard to be
Guess you could say she saw through me and hugged my neckFolks… if you come up with a rhyme on your first try, that doesn't mean you stop trying. I mean, what the heck, right?! Kind of indicative of the thought and care that went into this song. Nah, get this Baby's First Songwriting Class the HECK out of here. Beyond that, it's a bland, saccharin-sounding song with a singer dull as dirt. What he's doing can barely even qualify as "singing", more like a dazed hum. This honey is spoiled.
SpoilerOf course, if you want something that just sounds like crap, it's hard to beat these guys.
3. "Bottle of Wine" - The Fireballs
The real question is how many bottles of wine had to be downed to make this a palatable idea. Or rather, how many bottles of wine did the singers drink? Because this wretched song sounds soused off its ass. If that was the intention, fine, but I've been around a lot of drunk people, and this is the equivalent of about the most unpleasant drunk person you can encounter. The song is asking a bottle of wine to leave them alone, yet I just want this song to leave me alone.
And maybe it's a sign of the times that this song doesn't hold up to sonic scrutiny in the 2020s. But really, can you imagine anyone actually drinking to this? It has the raucous sensibilities of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall", in that no one should actually be singing this outside of bad tropes. Then again, this is the first I've ever heard this song, so is anyone really singing it? Maybe they were, but hopefully my long and far-reaching Billboard project can wean them off. Wine isn't even that good anyway.
SpoilerYeah. These guys have sex.
2. "Girl Watcher" - The O'Kaysions
Okay, first off: What a terrible band name. Just awful. But what about the song? Well, it's exactly what it says on the tin. These guys… watch girls. As a pastime. That's not creepy!
Look, maybe gender relations have improved somewhat since the 1960s, but I still find it hard to believe that this skeezy song of no substance gained traction. Did people… relate to this? If so, we may have come further than I thought. It's not enough that he just watches girls, though. Oh no. He wants them to put on a little show for him!
Hello there, female
My, my, but you do look swell
Could you please walk
A little slower
I wonder if you know
That you're putting on a show
Could you please walk
A little closerHello there, female! What's with the can of mace-
You know, if you're going to be sleazy, you gotta go all out, at least. This song puts on the front that it's just this innocent, cutesy, Donny Osmond-esque song, but no! It's creepy and bad and it doesn't even have the personality to back it up. Ugh, disgusting. But what could be grosser than this?
SpoilerYummy.
Turns out that not only was Justin Bieber objectionably gross with his music this year, he wasn't even original in doing so!
1. "Yummy Yummy Yummy" - Ohio Express
Yummy. Yummy. Yummy. I've got love in my tummy.
You know, if you don't have an idea for a song, you can just take a break for the day. We really didn't need this. No one, I'm quite confident, needs to hear about the love you have in your "tummy". Ick. "Girl Watcher" was gross, but I also complained that it didn't really go the extra mile in sleaziness. You can't argue that this song doesn't go the extra mile, but it does so in annoyance. This is the worst vocal performance of the year, and it's not close. Sounds like a wasp buzzing in your ear, only worse because at least the wasp doesn't utter inanities like "yummy yummy yummy I've got love in my tummy"!
I really don't see how any song this year could be worse. This is one of the classically bad songs that you can only assume got big due to a glitch in the system. The Archies were better than this puke.
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MISTER SQUIDWARD
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2009
Just Dance: Good song! Can see why it got popular and launched Gaga into the mainstream. Colby O'Donis remains as dull and annoying as ever, though.
Love Story: It's just a bit too on the nose to directly lift your love story from Romeo and Juliet. Of course, Taylor Swift was like 9 at the time, so I guess I can let it slide.
You Belong with Me: Now, see, this is how you do a teenage love song! With cliches and mean-girl bullshit... wait. Oh well, it's catchy as hell and cute enough.
I Love College: This song smells.
21 Guns: Back when Green Day didn't completely lose their edge and songwriting skills. I remember jamming to this back in the day and I think it still holds up decently well.
1978
Night Fever: Let's be real, anything but "Stayin' Alive" looks like a disappointment from these guys. But this one's okay.
Love is Like Oxygen: Not one of Sweet's better songs to be honest, but it's decent.
Disco Inferno: aw yiss
Come Sail Away: Huge fan of this one, and not sorry about it. All that 70s cheese prepared in just the right way.
Copacabana: Eh
The Name of the Game: Passable. ABBA has done better.
1988
Never Gonna Give You Up: This song has been memed so hard it's difficult to judge it objectively at all. I think it's probably good? Rick Astley is a pretty great singer regardless.
Pour Some Sugar on Me: The perfect kind of goofy song that Def Leppard pulls off well.
Man in the Mirror: Another great Michael song. Only wish he'd actually taken the advice in the song.
Kokomo: ugggghhhhh
Nothin' but a Good Time: Poison is one of those bands that is so much worse than you remember. Like a bargain bin Motley Crue. This isn't their worst song, but like a lot of their work, it is utterly disposable.
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can we delete this thread it attacks me every time i come on here
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Hey y'all! So I've been locked out of SBC for like 6 months now, but I'm back! In the meantime I've been posting my Hot 100 reviews on my blog. If you don't read it or didn't even know I had one, here's a rundown of what you missed:
Whew! That's a lot. And that also leaves me with only one year left to go:
1968
Now, I could continue posting this one on my blog, like I have been for the past several months. But it is my final list, after years of doing this crazy task. So I figure I'd better go back to where I started from, and post it here! Hoping to have the lists out sometime this month, but deadlines have never been my strong suit with the project, so we'll see! Thank you to everyone who continued to give a crap.
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"The Box" - Roddy Ricch
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"The Louvre" - Lorde
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Before we get to the Top 5 of my list, some honourable mentions:
SpoilerTake Care - Drake
21 - Adele
Kids See Ghosts - Kids See Ghosts
Blurryface - twenty one pilots
Concrete and Gold - Foo Fighters
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy - Kanye West
The Sticks - Mother Mother
The Marshall Mathers LP 2 - Eminem
Sucker - Charli XCX
Funk Wav Bounces Vol. 1 - Calvin Harris
Okay! On to the finale.
Wumbo's Top 25 Albums of the 2010s (5-1)
Spoiler5. Sweetener - Ariana Grande (2018)
Really? Top 5? Yes. It's messy as all hell. It's uneven. It sounds rushed. But if this is what it takes to get an honest album from Ariana Grande, I'll take it. From beginning to end, Sweetener sounds like a passion project, not just a way for Ariana to get easily-marketable singles. Oh, they're still there. mind you, but they're integrated into the work so well. This makes it the most successful Ariana album for me, and because Ariana Grande is always a great artist with her powerful, beautiful voice, it also stands up as one of the greatest albums of the decade. thank u, next would prove to be an even messier and more rushed album, anyway. This one strikes that balance between its honesty and its technical superiority over tyn. This stands out to me as Ariana's most important record. Despite its flaws, I absolutely love it.
Best Songs: "the light is coming" (ft. Nicki Minaj), "R.E.M", "sweetener", "everytime", "breathin", "no tears left to cry", "goodnight n go"
Spoiler4. Dirty Computer - Janelle Monae (2018)
Janelle Monae is the pop superstar who never got famous, and it's a damn shame. Maybe in the future she'll be remembered more thoroughly and get the universal acclaim she deserves from the public, but for now we'll have to focus on the critic's reviews to provide solace. This album was a critical darling in 2018, and rightly so. It's a fun, fresh slice of pop joy that you just weren't hearing in 2018, and I guess we were all too sad to really give this a chance. But damn, I wish we had. One of the best albums of the decade, bar none. And Janelle deserves so much better. Prince never died. His influence lives on. Damn, this is going to be another one that's hard to limit to 7 "best" songs, but I guess it'll be hard for the rest of them as well.
Best Songs: "Crazy, Classic, Life", "Django Jane", "Pynk" (ft. Grimes), "Make Me Feel", "I Like That", "So Afraid", "Americans"
Spoiler3. Lemonade - Beyoncé (2016)
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I earlier sang the praises of Jay-Z's 4:44, but let's be real, this album was always going to blow it out of the water. Beyoncé is near-godlike on this album, and her choices to traverse genres as she jumps to different topics surrounding her life and her feelings is mesmerizing. It is all unmistakably Beyoncé, but it is also an album that keeps you guessing from beginning to end. Each song has a unique flair that could grant it entry into a music museum. For anyone who wasn't already down with Beyoncé before this album, I don't know how this album couldn't make them think differently. It is a true masterpiece, and the best possible response to the personal cheating scandals and the ongoing racism in America. Beyoncé's voice stands tall and she has that superstar glamour that makes this entire album pop, with the fire and intensity to make her statements stick. It's Beyoncé's best album by a mile, and I hope we hear more from her in the next decade, because I'm curious to see if she can take it even farther.
Best Songs: "Don't Hurt Yourself" (ft. Jack White), "6 Inch" (ft. The Weeknd), "Daddy Lessons", "Sandcastles", "Freedom" (ft. Kendrick Lamar), "All Night", "Formation"
Spoiler2. To Pimp a Butterfly - Kendrick Lamar (2015)
I had to sit at my desk for a few minutes after listening to this one, just to soak it all in, before writing this blurb. This album is a goddamn miracle. It came at a time when racial tensions were especially high due to the killing of young black males by police, and it came at a time in Kendrick's career where he had to build from Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City. It is amazing just how well this album is put together. Kendrick is a storyteller at heart, and this album's use of repeated themes, samples, and cohesion all help to tie the album together. Every moment I felt like my mind was being blown again and again. My jaw dropped when he talked about screaming in a hotel room to immediaitely pivot to one of my favourite songs on the album, "u". This is the type of art that you encounter when passion, anger, melancholy, justice, and talent come together from many people. This may be the single best album of the decade. Were it not for one more that hit me more personally, it would easily win. But there is no shame in taking #2. Kendrick is a musical genius, and I can't see anything matching his clear magnum opus in To Pimp a Butterfly. I'm certainly open to him accepting the challenge, though.
Best Songs: Far, FAR too many to list. Impossible to narrow down to 7. I'll specifically highlight "u" and "The Blacker the Berry" as the songs that hit me the hardest, as well as "i" for putting me in a great mood every time. Also "King Kunta", "How Much a Dollar Cost", "Momma", "Complexion", "For Sale?", "These Walls", "Wesley's Theory"... I told ya, I can't do it. What a fantastic album.
Spoiler1. Melodrama - Lorde (2017)
But what will we do when we're sober
This album is so insanely perfect that I feel like saying anything about it would taint it somehow. It's like, how am I supposed to touch such a masterpiece? It'd be like putting my grubby hands all over the Mona Lisa. I can't think of an album this decade that so intensely got to me. "Liability" is one of the few songs that makes me cry with every listen. "Green Light" is such a euphoric burst of energy to start off the album. "The Louvre"'s production is effortlessly cool and immaculate. "Hard Feelings/Loveless" is the perfect midpoint of this album, teetering the line between ironic detachment and genuine heartbreak. "Perfect Places", ""Supercut", "Sober", "Writer in the Dark", "Homemade Dynamite" AAAAAAAHHHHHH
Broadcast the boom boom boom, and make 'em all dance to it
I love each and every one of these songs. Even the reprises and interludes hold up just as well with the rest of them. Lorde proves an expert storyteller and emotional singer with this one. Her performances on these songs blow my mind; they are pitch-perfect down to every intended mood of each song. The writing is so clever and nuanced; each line feels like it was hand-crafted by a master poet. There is not a single moment where this album loses me, or I feel that something could have been subtracted, or added.
I'm a little much for everyone
It is a very, very rare occurrence where an album exhausts me from being so good, but the Top 2 of this list manage it. This one just hits a bit closer to me personally because of a recent-ish breakup I went through. As though these songs needed leverage to hit any harder.
Bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark
Of all the albums on this list, this one is going to stick with me everywhere I go. It is a truly masterful work of art from an immensely talented young woman, and I feel blessed just to have experienced it. If you haven't heard this album yet, front to back, the fuck are ya doin go listen to it now now now stop reading this for gods sake
Best Songs: ALL OF THEM seriously what are you doing go listen to this album go go go
What the fuck are perfect places anyway
Thanks for reading everyone!
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Wumbo's Top 25 Albums of the 2010s (10-6)
Spoiler10. Trench - twenty one pilots (2018)
Trench is an album that happens when you polish a product that already stands pretty good on its own. twenty one pilots released their album Blurryface in 2015, and while that album was great, I feel it is this one where their sound and blending of genres really comes together to sell the themes of their music. It is significantly darker and rawer than their last effort, relying on sharp songwriting and cohesive production to sell the moods that they bring to us. It's an album that really tugs at the heartstrings, as you hear such topics of loneliness and isolation that were explored in Blurryface, but were fleshed out to their full form here. It is so great to hear a band progress in this way, to have them grow and continue to refine their sound. This may be controversial, but twenty one pilots were definitely one of my favourite breakthrough artists of this year. It always feels like they're making music that matters to them, and always getting better while doing it. I can't wait to see what they have in store for us the next decade.
Best Songs: "Jumpsuit", "My Blood", "Chlorine", "The Hype", "Bandito", "Legend", "Leave the City"
Spoiler9. Paramore - Paramore (2013)
This is the greatest rock album of the decade. Yep, this one. Maybe I don't step too far outside my already ingrained musical tastes, but I'd be hard-pressed to find a rock album this year that made me more emotional and yet filled me with more pure, unbridled joy than this one. That's exactly what Paramore does best. They're a melancholic band wrapped in a beautiful pop punk package, and this is the best example of their two sides finding that rhythm, in my opinion. The writing on these songs is rock solid. All of these songs were made to be hits, yet contain some of the most emotional and intelligent writing of the decade. No, I'm not exaggerating. Paramore totally won me over by the end of the decade, and I'd count these songs here as among the best of the 2010s. There's so much to love about every song and every choice made on this album. After Laughter was a fantastic album, but I have to say I prefer this one for staying true to Paramore's musical roots and yet feeling fresh and new compared to their earlier work. Truly a marvelous album, and one I will treasure for years to come.
Best Songs: "Fast in My Car", "Daydreaming", "Ain't It Fun", 'Part II", "Still Into You", "Proof", "Be Alone"
Spoiler8. Starboy - The Weeknd (2016)
If Beauty Behind the Madness was the mainstream pop-listening public's introduction to The Weeknd, then Starboy is the logical progression of his sound, and I'd argue as a mainstream pop-listener myself that it's his best work to date. Starboy is a record that dives full-on into The Weeknd's pop progression, and I am here for it, man. Because despite being noticeably more pop than even his breakthrough album, it still works because The Weeknd maintains his dark persona through the album with help of some guest artists that help to maintain that balance. This album's production is perfection. That's what you can expect when you have experts like Daft Punk, Cashmere Cat, and The Weeknd himself, who serves as executive producer. Some diehard fans of The Weeknd might see this album and everything that follows as a sellout move, but honestly, I see it as an evolution. There's nothing wrong with marketing yourself to a wider audience, so long as the songs maintain their level of quality. And I'd argue that these are the best songs The Weeknd has ever written. Sharply produced, lyrically rich. Even though it's a whopping 18 songs long, you don't want to skip out on any of them. One of the true dark horses of this decade.
Best Songs: "Starboy" (ft. Daft Punk), "Party Monster", "False Alarm", "Sidewalks" (ft. Kendrick Lamar), "A Lonely Night", "All I Know" (ft. Future), "I Feel It Coming" (ft. Daft Punk)
Spoiler7. DAMN. - Kendrick Lamar (2017)
Speaking of mainstream pivots, here we have Kendrick's most heavily trap-inspired album, containing some of his simplest-structured songs. Not surprisingly, this was the album that launched him fully into the mainstream, giving him his first #1 hit and three more year-end qualifying songs. And again, I'd count this as one of my favourite albums of the decade. As I said with The Weeknd's effort, there's nothing wrong with a more mainstream pivot as long as the music retains its quality. And you know Kendrick wouldn't let us down on this front. Despite the songs appearing more simple lyrically, they still manage to wring a lot of storytelling and emotion out of them. I also love the flow of this album; every song is placed perfectly, right down to the reversing at the end to the very beginning of the track. Like this album needed any help to encourage relistens. Kendrick is a master of his craft, and his work with producers and guest artists helps elevate the album even further. U2 is certainly something I would never expect to see on a Kendrick album, but in retrospect it makes sense since both of them have strong senses of Christianity and faith in their music. It's nice to see Kendrick making callbacks to previous eras of music in this way. What more can I say? Damn, this is good.
Best Songs: "DNA.", "YAH.", "FEEL.", "PRIDE.", "XXX." (ft. U2), "GOD.", "DUCKWORTH."
Spoiler6. Cuz I Love You - Lizzo (2019)
This record oozes confidence. No surprise coming from Lizzo, who has never presented herself any other way than being in-your-face and proud of it, and herself. And we wouldn't want her any other way. Lizzo is fantastic throughout this album, bringing the sort of swagger you'd expect from rappers, and yet presenting in such a pop-friendly, accessible way. I totally get the appeal for Lizzo; it's obvious. Her attitude and confidence is directly inspiring to everyone, everywhere, not least because her music focuses on empowering others as well as herself. And it's just fun to listen to. Every song here is a joy sonically and lyrically. So much so that it was hard to limit myself to seven choices for the "best" songs, which is still more than half the album. But here they are anyway. Listen to Lizzo. You won't regret it.
Best Songs: "Like a Girl", "Juice", "Jerome", "Tempo" (ft. Missy Elliott), "Exactly How I Feel" (ft. Gucci Mane), "Better in Color", "Lingerie"
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I hate Christmas music.
in K-BLUB
Posted
There's a peculiar thing about me. I love Christmas. I love music. I hate Christmas music.
I think this is odd, but I suppose it would be like if you combined chocolate and pizza. Two things that are wonderful on their own, you combine the two, it gets a lil out of hand. You either end up with chocolate pizzas, or you end up with a Dominos slathered in Nesquik syrup. Not a pretty picture. Songs like Brenda Lee's "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and Chuck Berry's "Run Run Rudolph". Those are the chocolate pizzas of Christmas music. Most everything else is akin to that second example. Where was my point? Oh yeah! I hate Christmas music. So join me as, based on brief rants I've had on Discord about xmas music, I get progressively tipsier off of blackberry cider and just rip into some really shitty Christmas songs. No particular order, no rhyme or reason. Consider this a dual Christmas/Festivus celebration as I air my grievances on Christmas music. Did anyone ask for this? I dunno. I may have just taken a suggestion and ran with it. But let's go!
"Santa Baby/Buddy/Pally/Poppy" - Michael Bublay
Michael Bubbly is one of the most reprehensible Christmas icons this side of Scrappy-Doo, if he ever appeared in a Christmas special. If he didn't pretend he did so my metaphor makes sense. ANYWAY, Michael Bubble has covered just about every Christmas song on the planet, to spread love and joy and cheer and all that crap. What we are missing from the equation is that Michael Bubsy is fucking terrible. Always has been, even outside of Christmas music. He wants to be this big epic crooner like sinatra back in the day, but he has such a goddamn annoying voice, and worse yet, he is Canadian. It was never gonna happen.
So that brings us to this song, a staunch reminder of his projected masculinity if ever there was one. For you see, Michael Budlight has caught himself in a predicament. One so sticky that there aren't many ways to get out of it. Why, what shall he do? He has to cover every Christmas song, that's true, but if he covers a Christmas song that suggests he wants Santa to be his sugar daddy, well, that's just fucking GAY. It's Adam and Eve, not Michael Boob GAY. What is he gonna do?
He's gonna alter the lyrics so that it's VERY VERY CLEAR that he and Santa claus are JUST FRIENDS and he is VEREY MUCH NOT HOMOSEXUAL. Would a HOMO SAPIEN want a STEEL BLUE car rather than a LIGHT BLUE one? I think not! And if you think otherwise, well, that sounds like projection! And of course he's not Santa's sugar baby! They are JUST FRIENDS. For example., he calls Santa not "Santa Baby", but rather "Pally,", or "Buddy", or... "Poppy"... Santa... "Poppy". Hmm.
The problem here is that, in my version of the English language, "Poppy" pretty well translates to "Daddy". So essentially, Michael Benghazi has called Santa his sugar daddy, which is a thousand times gayer than if he just went with the original lines in the first place. Between this and the left-in references to "hurrying down the chimney" and "trimming the christmas tree", it... wait a second. Michael? Michael, are you... actually trying to tell us something? As you pull up in your Steel Blue convertible next to your trimmed Christmas tree with Mercedes Benz decorations? Like, it's a Christmas ornament, but it's a hood ornament! do you get it? Because he doesn't want jewelry! That is a lady gift. Michael Brawny is ALL MAN.
Look, Michael, if you want to come out, just release a Buddy It's Cold Outside with Josh Groban and call it a season. speaking of...
"Baby It's Cold Outside" - FUCKING ANYONE
This song is a headache inside and outside of the discourse. So many people want this song to be banned. and on the other side, so many want to stand up for this song as a women's empowerment anthem in disgusie, back when women were to be more proper and not sleep with strange men who they met under snowy circumstances. There needs not be any discourse anymore, because the fact remains that the song just fucking sucks.
Like, it sucks! It's not romantic to hear a man overly persuading a woman to stay and a woman acting coy because maaaaaybe she wants to leave but maaaaybe she wants to stay so tee-hee. And i'm not saying two sides of a story aren't important here, but the song scans so much nicer when the consent is implied and the song is called "Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow". That's a kickass Christmas song, and accomplishes everything "Baby, It's Cold Outside" does without being rapey and terrible. I don't care about the fucking discourse. You have to know that singing a song where a lady asks what the fuck is in her drink while the man tries to coerce her to stay the night is going to come out the wrong way. THIS SONG NEEDS TO FUCKING RETIRE IT'S THE FUCKING DUMBO CROWS OF CHRISTMAS MUSIC
"Siiiiimply Haaaaving A WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS TIME" - (Well I was until) Paul McCartney (shat all over it with this thing)
This song is worse than the fucking Chipmunks Christmas song. Because at least with the Chipmunks, you can conclude that they're vermin and will likely get shot by some hillbilly later. But man, this is Paul McCartney. What the fuck happened, man? How do you go from being in a great band to a mediocre one to... you know what never mind I type it and now it actually sounds like a logical regression in musical clout, carry on
No Christmas song should start out with what sounds like a laser piercing your ears, much less continue with it the whole way through. This is the Christmas song equivalent of findign coal in your stocking. You just know it's not going to be a happy Christmas when this comes on. It's such a dumb and banal track, and most Christmas music is, but at least there's some winter flavour to it. LOOK AT THESE FUCKING LYRICS
The spirits up
We're here tonight
And that's enough
Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime
The feelin's here
That only comes
This time of year
Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime
Ding dong, ding, ooh, ooh
Simply havin' a wonderful Christmastime
About the town
So lift a glass
Ahh, don't look down
They practiced all year long
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding dong
Ding dong, ding, ooh, ooh
wanting that U2 album off our itunes accountsto live prosperously while african children FUCKING DIE in a land WITH NO SNOW