It can be argued that every character in SpongeBob SquarePants brings something unique to the show that none of the others can. SpongeBob has his never-ending optimism, Squidward has his grumpy nature, even the background fish have their casual assholery. But there's one character that the show cannot possibly do without: Gary the Snail. We all know him, we all love him, and we all know about his unfortunate passing in season 14. However, after a certain ScreenRant article was recently brought to my attention, it makes me wonder...what if season 14 wasn't the first time? What if this "Gary" that we've known for so long isn't the same as the one we grew up with? What If...?
Episode 59: What If...Gary Died and Was Replaced?
For those who don't feel like subjecting themselves to ScreenRant today, I'll give you the rundown of the article. The theory presented by the author posits that the original Gary died sometime early in the show's run, specifically during the first movie. They even go as far as to suggest that it was Plankton's mind control helmet that killed him. But the smoking gun is his name: SpongeBob calls him "Gary Wilson Jr." in a season 8 episode, and since the family tree in a season 4 episode states that Sluggo is his father instead of "Gary Sr.", this implies there must have been a different Gary before this one! Since this show is well-known for its strict adherence to continuity, I see absolutely nothing wrong with this theory and now treat it as canon.
Except...there's actually more to this story. You see, I was just going to write a silly little hypothetical like we always do in this thread, but I did some digging in Nickelodeon's dumpsters the other month, and I discovered a VHS tape containing a long lost alternate cut of the classic episode "Have You Seen This Snail?". And boy, let me tell you. What is on this tape will shock you, surprise you, and change your view on SpongeBob SquarePants forever. Are you ready?
SpongeBob: So...did you hear any of that, or do I have to repeat myself?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Okay, good!
He embraces Gary with a hug, then puts him down and starts walking home. For whatever reason, Gary doesn't follow.
SpongeBob: I promise Gary, things are gonna be different between-
Suddenly, a 2010 Mercedes-Benz E-Class Coupe comes speeding down the street. SpongeBob turns around.
SpongeBob: GARY, LOOK OUT!
Gary is hit and mangled beyond belief.
SpongeBob: AAHHHHH, GARY!!!!
That's right. Not only is Gary Sr. dead, but so is Gary Jr.! "So how is Gary alive in the later seasons?", I can already hear you asking. Well, here comes the even crazier part: the episode keeps going. Yep, what was once an ending to a beloved special is now only the halfway point, making this episode a TV movie. Had it actually made it to the air, it would've been the show's first, but some things are too good for this world. I would describe the whole thing here, but I'm afraid that Viacom would copystrike me to oblivion if I reveal too much, so I'll just put some dialogue snippets here and you'll just have to make do with that.
SpongeBob is visiting the pet store to look for a new snail.
SpongeBob: What do you say, buddy? Do you want to be Gary III?
Snail: Meow...
SpongeBob: He's perfect! You're coming home with me!
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SpongeBob: Ewww, I didn't notice it before, but your shell's all cracked! We gotta get that thing replaced, Gare-Bear. Now if you'll excuse me...
He grabs Gary's shell and tries to take it off, but it won't budge.
SpongeBob: What is this, did someone use Forever Glue to attach this to you?
He pulls as hard as he can, but instead of Gary's shell coming off, Gary as a whole flies into the air and smashes into the ceiling, killing him.
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SpongeBob: Alright, let's see what the sports channel is playing at this hour...
He sits down to a cracking noise, followed by a splat.
SpongeBob: Oh, Gaaaaryyyyyyyyy! Ready to watch some ball?
Silence.
SpongeBob: Gary the Fourth, where are you?
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SpongeBob: Thanks, pet shop lady!
Owner: Don't come here again.
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Squidward: Would you like to hear some music by your namesake?
Upon hearing Squidward's music, the snail immediately jumps out the nearest window.
Squidward: Oh, barnacles.
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SpongeBob: WHY...CAN'T...I...STOP...KILLING...SNAILS?!?!?
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Patrick: I'm sorry SpongeBob, but it looks like if you want a new snail now, it's going to have to fall right out of the sky or something.
Right on cue, a bunch of snails fall out of the sky. One snail, looking exactly like Gary, lands right in front of SpongeBob.
Snail: Meow!
Patrick: Oh, could I get some ice cream with that?
Two scoops of ice cream fall directly into Patrick's eyes.
Patrick: Yay!
SpongeBob: I don't know, Patrick. With all the bad things that have happened to my snails recently, can I really be trusted to own this one?
The same car from earlier speeds down the road again, but before hitting the new snail, it inexplicably swerves out of the way, drives off a cliff, and blows up in a nuclear explosion.
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SpongeBob: You're Gary the Twenty-fourth, but to save money on a new dish, I'll just call you Gary Jr. and pretend this whole thing never happened!
Seymour Skinner: That's really a cheat, isn't it?
SpongeBob: Who the *dolphin noise* are you?
And that's the (partial) story of how Gary XXIV became the snail we would get familiar with for a good 10 seasons. Some will argue that Nickelodeon made the right choice by trashing the full version of this episode, considering its morbid nature. I disagree; this episode gave me a unique view into the many lives of Gary, and a little bit of cartoon violence is a small price to pay for such a wealth of information. I definitely made the right choice bringing this home instead of that tape labeled "IWATG deleted scene", or whatever it was. In the end, this Gary would go on to be the one that died in season 14 in the aptly titled "Gary Dies", leaving SpongeBob to find yet another snail. It's anyone's guess how long this snail will last, but one thing's for certain: Gary Jr. will remain.
Hopefully this snail will be funnier than 24.
