OMJ Does Things

[The Crow]

Hi, I'm Old Man Jenkins, and I watch shitty Syfy "original" movies so you don't have to! And if you couldn't tell from that badly ripped off line, I'm hopping this reviewing bandwagon because that seems to be the cool thing to do on SBC nowadays. Gone are the Q&A's and surveys, we're all Roger Ebert now. Anyways, yeah, I'm reviewing those crappy, yet somewhat lulzy movies they show on Syfy and pass them off as original because hey, I need a gimmick to go off of here. Every Saturday (hopefully) I'll feature and highlight another one of these bad boys and I have a lot to choose from, so bear with me as I bear with these movies. For my inaugural edition, I take a gander at...

I've honestly been wanting to watch this ever since I first seen the tv trailers for it premiere way back in 2008, fast forward four years later and I finally do just that. So we start out at the beach *do do do do do* and everyone had MATCHING TOWELS! Sorry, had to do that. Every time I hear the title of this movie, that song comes to mind. Any who, we start out on a bus where four college students are headed for all roads nowhere somewhere in Eastern Europe. Have they not seen Hostel? Eastern Europe is No Man's Land in horror movies. Go to Miami like normal college kids usually do. The bus breaks down enroute to their hostel, I'm sure, and our crazy college kids decide to book it instead because their crazy. Along the way they come across a sword in some stone. They contemplate tampering with it, but one of them brings up the possibility that it may be a landmark, good point there, but he is the first to try and pull it out. I can't recall this guys's name, so I'll call just call him Blob, like Bob but for science fictionish. He somehow cuts his hand on it, must be because he tried pulling it by it's blade. The token black guy, Benny, is up to bat next and he fails miserably as his grunts make it seem like it's moose mating season. Then Jason, our obvious protagonist, obviously pulls the sword out of the stone, after some snide remarks by our deadpan Snarker, Toni, and becomes the new king of England. It doesn't really end up that way, but it would've ended this movie quicker. After pulling out sword, he catch a few brief glimpses of some guy running around the area.

Jason and his friends takes his piece of stolen property back to the local pub, where the people inside are less than welcoming because hey, they're Americans. One of the female waitresses, Cassandra, who all the guys in the group pop boners for, is the only one decent enough to let them stay and eat and drink and all that good stuff. After Toni learns that her friends can count as they rate Cassandra a 10, 11 and 12, and Cassandra tells them how much she loves America, so much so, she has watched every American movie since 1984, Jason whips out his sword and scares the patrons (not that sword you sickos, the actual sword he pull out...I digress). The barkeep is about to blow his head off with his gun until tall, dark, and not-so-handsome comes barging in accompanied by what I believe to be lightning with the most stupidest look on his face. Ever. The guy, Dimitar, is apparently hardcore enough to get even the guy with the gun to stand down as he chastise the village patrons for being in denial or some shit like that. He takes the kids back to the stone where they originally pulled out the sword, but Blob has himself a little accident and apparently breaks his leg. They decide to leave him behind as we find out who will be the first to get killed in this movie.

They find that the stone that housed the sword is no longer there as Blob is killed by crappy CGI. Saves me the trouble of having to learn what his name is, or was. They head back and notice Blob is gone and assume he went back to the pub, broken leg and all. Dimitar gives them shelter as someone shows up later that night to swipe the sword. The young explorers stop Swiper from swiping and the masked thief is revealed to be Cassandra. After some questioning, finding out the sword's importance and finding out Blob never returned to the pub, they find out that Dimitar has gone AWOL. The next morning, they consult the Mayor, who happens to be Cassandra's father and he proves to be no help whatsoever, just telling them to further consult the Embassy. As they make contact, a bunch of angry villagers cut off the phone lines for whatever reason and screw our heroes over big time. Cassandra says she'll have an old friend of her's who's apparently crazy enough help to drive them out of town, for a price of course. While on their way out, they come across a burning vehicle. Jason stupidly asks the dead, burnt bodies if they're still alive as the Rock Monster reveals itself, proving to our heroes that it is more than just a Grimm fairytale, but worse, he its bad CGI.

They attempt to drive off, but the Rock Monster throws, taking a page out Elastic's book, rocky rocks at them and knocks them off the road. The crazy old driver, who wasn't as crazy as they made him out to be, dies on impact as I die a little inside knowing he only had like two minutes of screen time. Toni finds herself pinned by her leg inside the wreck, unable to free herself as the car begins flame on. Jason whips out his sword and comes to her aid. I was hoping he'd cut her leg off but he only used it to prop up the rock that was keeping her down. Way to get my hopes up, movie. They return back to town where the village idiots crowd around them as if shit's about to go down, but Toni makes Jason whip out his sword again to put them all in their insecure places. We soon find out that the Rock Monster is the result of a brave knight slaying an evil wizard, who looks about as ridiculous as this whole movie sounds, and the wizard transferring his eternal soul into the rocky prison that would enshroud his body upon his demise. It turns out that Jason is a descendant of this brave knight, thus giving us a logical yet obvious reason why he was the only one capable of pulling the spatula from the grease. They call in a town meeting as we are introduced to the eccentric and overplayed Colonel, who calls them all COWARDS also chastises the townsfolk for not believing in the fairytales and how he knew it all to be true all along. Damn townspeople, decide to ignore their own town's history pretty much and get pissy when the shit hits their fans. Nice change having the army dude be the crackpot believer here, movie, considering most army dudes in these types of movies are complete assholes. Like that guy in Day of the Dead. They decide to take the fight to the Rock Monster as Jason questions them how they will go about it. Try covering it with paper.

The Colonel rallies everyone up and gives Toni a pistol because hey, she's a girl and girls can't shoot. She tells him she can handle the big guns and that's reason enough for him to change his sexist ways and to give her a Chicago Piano. He denies Jason a weapon because he already has the most effective weapon that can be used against the Rock Monster, his sword. Ha. Benny decides to bail and head back to Indianapolis, unlike Peyton Manning. He tells Jason about what he was majoring in college, the Quantum String Theory. Yeah, more like G-String theory...which is what Jason actually said and not me sounding like a douche. Benny casually leaves his friends to fight a centuries old monster as we all know who's gonna die next. Jason and the others march off to battle as Benny is off on his own, wasting a good amount of ammo by killing a squirrel. After getting over Rocky's death at his hands, he takes a water break next to some rock formations and what do you know, death by crappy CGI as the Rock Monster reveals itself and bites a good chunk out of Benny's head. Penis jokes are running rampant here.

Enroute to their battle, Jason and The Colonel share a heart to heart moment, or what seems like one, as they talk about paths you take in life or some shit like that. Cant blame a B-Movie for trying to add some deep shit. The Colonel questions Jason why he came to their country and Jason says something about a letter or something and it somehow ties into Dimitar, who is apparently controlling the Rock Monster. Gawd, I suck at reviewing. Jason, The Colonel and the others combat the Rock Monster. After about three minutes or so of this lulzy guns-can't-hurt-rock nonsense, Jason finally stabs it in the leg and let's out a totally unconvincing war cry as the Rock Monster collapses to it's apparent demise. It's really something you have to see in order to absorb in the full lulziness. Jason returns to town a hero, what a bipolar town they're staying in, and they all party and dance around like a bunch of drunken idiots because that's what movies usually tend to do after a decisive victory. Look at Return of the Jedi, for example. Unfortunately, seeing as this is only halfway through the movie, you know shit's about to go down. At this point, I went to make breakfast and next thing I knew, jason was talking to Dimitar in a jail cell so they apparently caught him. Dimitar tells him that is not over yet and we leave him at that. Jason and Cassandra talk about America and Hollywood and the glitz and glamour and all that materialistic shit and how she wants to go there and experience it for herself. Hollywood's a dirty business, lady, and you're already apart of it by being in this shit. Before they consummate their victory even more by letting their hormones take over, The Colonel and the Mayor arrive to take Jason for a drink, leaving Cassandra to be the recipient of this funky ass Cockblock. Jason gets blitzed even more and tells the Mayor, who is close to passing out as well, that he loves his daughter. Not sure if that's really love or lust, or even the beer, talking here. Meanwhile, Toni is out flirting with one of the village idiots, who has been stalking her throughout much of the movie, and he asks her if she likes "big guns". She then slurs something and makes out with the guy as I sit there not caring about this random ass pairing with little to no build-up at all. The next day, Jason and Toni decide to take their leave, taking their piece of stolen property with them as a souvenir to remember all the good times they had, despite being short two friends and facing the possibility of untimely death throughout majority of their time there. But fate brings them back as guns start ablazing from back in town.

They head back to find Cassandra holding her dead father/mayor in her arms as the Colonel comes by and catches them up on things like the Rock Monster not being dead after all and freeing Dimitar from his prison. They decide to give chase and once again battles the Rock Monster. They bring in a tank for good measure and blow the rocky bugger to bits, but Jason gets caught up in it's wake and is trampled by the falling rocks. Dimitar escapes and Toni, the Colonel and the others retreat back to town to find an alternate way to truly kill the Rock Monster as their only hope has apparently perished. The village idiots has chosen the Barkeeper of all people to be the new Mayor in the wake of the previous Mayor's death. Sure, don't elect the army officer. The Barkeeper suggests sending in the tanks, but the Colonel says they have already used up the tank ammunition and that the army's other tanks are basically around just for show apparently. We leave them to their dire situation as Dimitar finds Jason, still alive, and orders his Rock Monster to bring him back to their evil lair which is dimly lit, underground and all that good stuff...or evil stuff. Dimitar tells Jason that this was a part of his plan all along. He sent Jason the message to venture into Eastern Europe, he bribed the bus driver to stop right near the sword's whereabouts and he just knew that Jason would be stupid enough to pull the sword out of the stone in order to show off his masculinity because he already showed he was stupid enough to listen to what his message said and venture into parts unknown/Eastern Europe anyway. Jason, you're the reason why the token black and Blob are gone! You don't deserve that sword! Anyways, way to plan ahead, Dimitar. You are most definitely smarter than you look, and your facial expressions are pretty stupid so that's probably not saying much. Dimitar begins to tell Jason that sword failed to kill the Rock Monster because the sword alone is not powerful enough to kill it. It needs some sort of amulet thingy in order to harness it's true power, an amulet which he just so happens to carry around his neck. With this power, Dimitar says he can either kill or control the monster but decides to do neither. Instead, he'll do both at the crack of dawn in order to perform a ritual that will transfer the evil wizard's spirit into him, making his the most POWERFUL SORCEROR IN THE WOOOORLD! Dimitar leaves Jason to his broken leg as he sets about going through with his plans.

As this goes on, the Bar Mayor decides to make a truce with Dimitar since there is seemingly no hope to kill the Rock Monster, so they'll kiss his ass instead. While waiting for sunrise Dimitar comes across the Bar Mayor and two of his constituents. The Bar Mayor offers him anything he wants in exchange for the village's safety, but since they can't give him omnipotence or anything of the sort, they settle on the next best thing which is Cassandra. The Bar Mayor takes Cassandra to her doom as Jason hops his American ass back to the old country. Toni and The Colonel are there to bring him in and they become aware of what the Bar Mayor has done to Cassandra. Jason also tells them about what Dimitar plans to do and they have decide that he must be Dead By Dawn. Come on, I had to do something to salvage this review/summary. Dimitar is apparently a sucker for theatrics and decides to perform this ritual within vicinity of the village. With Cassandra in tow, I have no doubt that Dimitar plans to consummate this crowning moment of lulz with a little something, something. Seriously, the guy's expressions, gyrations and sound he makes as he is filled with absolute power is something you must see to comprehend just how fucking lolarious it was. Right before he can claim the power, Jason literally swings into action as he goes Indiana Jones on that bitch and whip snaps the sword out of Dimitar's hand, interrupting the ritual and ending Dimitar's mad quest for power before shanking him for good measure. The Rock Monster shall not pass and Jason plunges it into the circles of hell with one downward thrust into the ground. How anti-climactic. Jason, and I assume Cassandra, retreats back the sanctity and sanity that is America as Toni stays back with her boy toy to consummate their love at the local hostel, I'm sure, but she says she'll see Jason in a few weeks, I guess. We then pan out to a shot to where the Rock Monster experiences his Disney-esque death as the ground begins shaking. Thank god no sequel has materialized from that ambiguous ending.

As far as Syfy movies goes, I must admit that this one is somewhat better than some of the others I actually wasted time watching. The movie had some funny lines, like the "wow you guys can count" line I mentioned earlier. The acting was rather subpar, but what do you expect coming from Syfy original movie, not an academy-worthy performance that's for sure. They actually made some attempt to keep a pretty cohesive story going, but it was pretty predictable and that hurt it a bit. I don't know why they tried shoving Toni's relationship with that one random guy in my face, hell, I can't even recall his name either so that says how much I can actually care about what happens between them. She was better off getting it on with Colonel, at least he was someone I actually cared about. Character-wise, Jason was kind of an idiot and mostly acts on where his penis and hormones gets him whenever Cassandra gets involved. Toni was kind of irritating for the most part but she had some snappy one-liners here and there. She was probably my second favorite character after this guy. The Colonel, was the eccentric character of this movie, well, other than Dimitar, but he's the likable one of the two. I assumed he was going to be a bad guy, but the movie actually proved me wrong here and made him the only character in the movie I liked for the most part. He was like the glue that kept the heroes and town together. Like I said, glad he survived throughout the movie. Cassandra, was kind of an airhead. She proved to be of little use when she did try to help and was pretty much the distressed damsel by the movie's end. Dimitar, was a believable, conniving and scheming asshole, just wish they had a different actor play him so I can take the guy more seriously. The guy's facial expressions and way he talks just ruins his vibe for me. As for the Rock Monster, crappy CGI. Nuff said.

I have to admit, I watched this fairly early in the morning and I was kinda dozing out a bit here and there and I forgot to DVR it just in case, but I kept myself almost fully awake for the most part. Just never quite caught on to something's like Dimitar somehow being in jail all of a sudden or Cassandra trying to steal the sword at the beginning to name a few. This movie ain't all bad, sure it has bad effects and pretty mediocre acting and a badly predictable story, but it's just lulzy and that's what I like most about these Syfy movies. They're so bad, I find some of them to be good but the bad mostly outweighs the good. Now, I don't quite have a grading system like a lot of my peers have so I'll stick to stars for now until I get something. Seeing as how I'm only covering Syfy originals, bare in mind that this grading scale works similar to Clappy's Craptacular Cinema scale in terms of rating it based on how shitty it is.

I think 3 out of 5 stars will suffice for this. Leave some feedback on my first attempt at giving a satirical summary of/reviewing some crappy movies. Should I keep this going? Is there more that I can do to improve? (like not watching while being a quarter sleepy) Should I structure it better? Should I be more/less funny? All that good stuff. I'm open for criticism. Tune in next week for my take on Chupacabra: Dark Seas! This is Old Man Jenkins, whipping out my sword.

[Clappy]

This was great BrOMJ. SyFy movies usually tend to be rather lulzy, so I look forward to seeing what other ones you do.

[The Crow]

Thanks for the feedback, Claps! Means a lot coming from the innovator of SBC movie reviews. As for my grading scale, decided to go with Lipstick Face Demon from "Insidious", for now at least. I'm still open for some lulzy opinions but this will make do for now. Rock Monster gets 3 Lipstick Face Demons out of 5.

[101 Dalmatian Street]

Review Ice Spiders and Chupacabra Terror!

[Elastic Dawg]

Flu Bird Horror. That is all.

[Clappy]

You should review Leprechaun's Revenge and tell me that the music in the commercial doesn't sound like Mike Knox's wrestling theme.

0o-dt3N6e6w

[The Crow]

I'll definitely give those movies a watch once they become available to me, guys. Haha. Mike Knox, a guy who somehow made it in bed with Kelly Kelly.

Well, since Syfy isn't airing a good lot of their movies until Thursday, I'm giving y'all a treat beforehand. Not a Syfy movie by any means, but a movie I had recently watched and would like to review anyway.

If not by today, then tomorrow for sure.

[Clappy]

This needs a revival.

[The Crow]

Wow, I'm such a liar.

But yeah, I might just change the format of this to just random/lulzy movies/shows in general since they all seem to be merged now. I need to rewatch Creepshow 2 again if I plan on finish reviewing it, but for now, enjoy this brief review on one of my favorite stories told on:

Ah, Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction? One of my favorite shows to watch growing up. Basically, it was an anthology series that tells a variety of stories and urban legends that are, well, beyond belief. The gist of this show was that some of the stories told were just bullshit made up by the writers of the show while some of the other stories are in fact based on true events as researched by the show's producers. I shall review one such tale of horror. Fact or fiction, a good number of these stories actually unnerved me as a child. This was one of them. Tonight, OMJ does...The Boy in the Closet

The story is narrated by the mother of, well, the boy in the closet. We are thrust into action as her youngest son, Danny Johnson (who actually looks like Froggy from The Little Rascal), is being chased all the way home by pretty much half his class as if they're about to lynch him. The mother tells us all about how her son is picked on and shit by other kid's in school all because he believes that a monster lives in his closet. I can only imagine what this gang of juvenile delinquents would do if they find out a classmate, say, still wets the bed. Probably burn them at the stake. Danny loses them by running into the sanctuary of his home and holding the door shut behind him as the lynch mob pounds on the door and pretty much loiter on his porch. The mom questions about what she could've done different, how about noticing that a bunch of little bloodthirsty Rugrats chases your kid all the way home almost daily, pounding on the door and pretty much loitering on your front porch? Wake up, woman!

Danny is so afraid that he prefers to sleep in the comfort of his living room. His mother wakes him up one night and tries to convince him for what seems like the umpteenth time that there are no monsters in his closet. It just so happens to storm as they're doing this and the only scares comes from the lightning that cackles as they check the closet's confines(of course). After his mother tucks him in, Danny tries to get some shut eye, but ooooh, the closet door inches open as Danny faces his back towards it (of course). The next morning, Danny eavesdrops on his older brother, Brian, and older sister as they badmouthed him to their mother behind his back. Yeah, so they're your basic older siblings. The mother talks about how Froggy tries so desperately to fit in but nobody wants to be friends with a kid who dresses like a douche.

Froggy finds himself on the run once again but this time his own brother wants to burn the witch, which is pretty sad at this point. They chase Froggy back into his house and the mob once again tries to force their way in. Brian doesn't have key or anything, I suppose, so he leaves too. Froggy comes out guns blazing with a bat that is too big and too much for him to handle in hand. After a very sad athletic and non-threatening display on Froggy's part, the mob takes him up to his room to mentally scar him even more. They threaten to throw him into the closet until big sis comes in and does nothing to stop them whatsoever and decides to be just another spectator of this potentially traumatizing event. Froggy questions his brother's manhood and challenges him to go in the closet himself, which he does in order to shut his little brother up for good. As soon as he closes the door, we can hear his blood-curdling screams for help as the others just laugh it off as mere child's play until the mother of the year shows up and everything goes silent. It looks like she just got finished doing the dishes or laundry so I find it hard to believe that she didn't notice a bunch of rowdy kid's carrying her son throughout her house and up to his room.

She opens the closet door and Brian is nowhere to be found...except for his clothes. Froggy takes this time to rub it in everybody's face that there is indeed a monster in there with no shred of concern for his now missing naked brother. The police soon arrive to investigate and search every nook and cranny inside the closet and come to the conclusion that the only way out of the closet is, well, through the door. Despite all of that mounting mindfuck, they still question the mother as to why Brian might've want to run away. Brian became a runaway statistic, never to been seen or heard from again, leaving the police absolutely flabbergasted over what to put down in their report because a kid being eaten by a monster ain't gonna pay bills.

And that is the end of this horrific tale. The segment itself isn't particularly terrifying, some of the acting maybe, but hey, they're kids. What did freak me the fuck out was that they said this story was fact.

they said this story was fact

this story was fact

FACT

I was like five or six when I first watched this and it stuck with me for years to come, well into my intermediate years. Yeah, I got over it eventually as I got older but still, the thought that this was supposedly based on true events scared the shit out of me. I steered clear of any closets for years in fear that R. Kelly or Tom Cruise would strip me naked and take me to boogeyland. Well, that was what they claimed the story to be at the time. Internet hearsay says that one of the producers of the show who did the research for this segment (and this supposedly came from the producer's mouth, himself) wasn't aware that the boy who disappeared in the closet was found about a week or two later hiding out in a friend's attic. The boy apparently escaped through a hidden hatch in the ceiling that the police somehow overlooked and apparently decided to hide out as part of some sick joke. Unfortunately, the episode had long since aired by the time this came to the show's attention so nothing could be done. The damage had been done to the frightened masses such as myself and I never found that revelation out until just recently.

Regardless of it's legit status, it left it's mark on me since the first time I watched it. I considered it to be one of my favorite BBFF tales in the entire series, and hell, I still do because of it's lasting impact on me. Where does this rank on my grading scale? I give it:

Four Bran Flakes out of Five, which is a good thing here. For those curious, the segment is on YouTube. I apologize for the lack of lulziness here, this was a bit more of a straight up thing but I promise things will pick up in future entries. So yeah, expect me to review some more random things whenever I feel like it. Hell, might even look back at more of my favorite BBFF tales.

[The Crow]

I haven't seen this in years, but I still remember it somewhat. My gripes with this movie must be said. OMJ does...

And boy, will this movie leave you running mad like it did me. Basically, back in 1986, the father of two young boys, named Duff and Les (great name's btw, Pap), dies at the hands of a snake during a trippy ceremony. Duff would grow up up to love snakes, not giving two fucks whether his dad was killed by one, and Les would grow up to fear snakes, probably having daddy issues. Ah, sounds like the makings of your basic Syfy Original Movie. Duff visits an American Indian by the name of "Screaming Hawk" (which is what I sounded like later on during the movie, but I'll get into that in a bit) in order to fancy his wares...of snakes. He finds a small snake in a jar that really tickles his fancy, but Screaming Hawk screams that it's not for sale. He explains that this snake is a Mogwa- er, Utenka, that has three rules to raise:

1) Don't let it out of the jar.

2) Don't feed it living animals (after midnight).

3) Don't fear the heart of the snake.

Pretty simple and self-explanatory set of regulations that are apparently too complicated and spiritual for Doof here to understand as he goes ahead and steals it anyway before breaking each rule in rapid succession in a series of nautical nonsense I'm sure. What happens to the snake, you may be wondering? Does it turn into a little pain in the ass that tampers with electronic devices as my Gremlins references seem to imply? Not even close because it grows to become the titular Mega Snake! ROAR! And it only gets more gigantic and unstable with each living thing it devours! That doesn't frighten you at all? Well, alrighty then... Les soon finds himself having to clean his brother's mess (brothers, amirite Sauce?) alongside Screaming Hawk and his ex-girlfriend, Erin because it ain't a Syfy Original Movie without some lovey dovey, albeit complicated lovey dovey. Can't blame them for trying.

Let me get right down to the point and say that this movie, like a good lot that Syfy churns out, sucks. But there are the Syfy Original Movies that are so bad they're good and there are the (admittedly few) Syfy Original Movies that are so bad that they're, well, bad. This was the latter for one reason and one reason only, the blatant misuse of this man!

Lame special effects and mediocre acting aside, this was the greatest injustice that not only this movie, but the Syfy Channel as a whole, committed. For those of you wondering who the flake in the spandex is, he was the winner of an old show that Syfy used to air, "Stan Lee's Who Wants To Be a Superhero?" (or better yet, "Who Stan Lee Wants To Be a Superhero!"). I'm a superhero fan so I watched the show regularly at the time. The title is self-explanatory, a bunch of nerds make up their own superhero and compete for a chance to have the hero come to life not only in comics but on the tv screen as well as Syfy promised that the winning hero would have their own original movie made. Watching the show, Feedback was favorite of the bunch so I was overjoyed when he won. I mean, the guy has electrical powers that allows him to tap into video games and gain whatever powers the video game characters possess through "Feedback"! Some potential and easy-to-avoid copyright issues aside, I had to admit that that would've made a swell movie! I was excited, waiting in anticipation for it to air but it never came to be. Feedback was merely relegated to a cameo appearance in this piece of shit. I would post the scene if I could, but it was just turrble. He just came off as some ordinary crackpot in spandex who actually believes he's a superhero. I mean, he saved a little boy from the death grip of the Mega Snake but he did so by picking a random light stand and using it to electrocute the big bugga. No awesome game breaking, not even so much as a simple blast of electricity. Just a jolt of electricity courtesy of...a lamp. As a viewer who invested so much time into the damn show and after being promised something potentially good only to get this crap, I felt jipped and cheated, which makes me despise this movie even more. I don't even wanna talk about it anymore.

Mega Snake gets one Bran Flakes out of five.

[The Crow]

Aloha, I'm Big Johnny Ace, I do it so you don't have to. Bare with me, I'm trying to come up with a snappy catchphrase. After some "filler" reviews of one of my favorite BBFF segments evar and one of my most hated Syfy Originals evar (which mostly addressed my discontent for Syfy by cheating me out of possibly good movie), I am finally here with a somewhat srs review of a Syfy Original Movie that just premiered yesterday. Considering the movie's title, I can't help but feel it could be in bad taste, considering this premiered not long after Superstorm Sandy ravaged the New York/New Jersey area. The contents of the film shouldn't offend too many people, unless you're a critic like me, but the title...I'm just saying. Let's just get straight into the eye of this shit storm because today, OMJ does...

We start off on a dark and not quite stormy night, four kids decide it'd be fun to be cliche and head out to the town cemetery to do whatever it is you kid's do in cemeteries at night nowadays. Way to just immerse me into this movie just ten seconds in, I don't care about this lot already. Where the hell is the nightwatchman when you need him? A shit storm is brewing and he can't even make sure that a bunch of kids don't sneak into the goddamn cemetery (at night). Or maybe it's the nightwatchman whose behind this all along, like in The Gravedancers (which is something else I should review, sorry about the spoiler). I'm clearly thinking way too highly of this movie right now by thinking too much into it...Let's move on. They tell scary stories about the town memorial, and how it commemorates a mass suicide of some weird Jamestown cult. Why would they commemorate that? One of the girls, Daisey, sees a weird face on her phone and JUMP SCARE. I admit, it got me, but sadly, this movie is full of it which takes away it's sentimental value. Hell, every goddamn screen transition is a jump scare, which is a testament as to how not-scary and desperate this movie is. So the kid's probably get ready to have sex on some graves because what else do they plan on doing? A stray lightning bolt strikes a memorial stone in the cemetery, dislodging a talisman of some sort from the stone and pretty much destroying a treasured monument. A ghostly smoke emerges, ready to pounce on it's first meal.

We check in on town sheriff, Hal Miller, and resident clergyman, Father Telmo, as they get things secured in the church in the wake of the shit storm's that is to come. Telmo thanks Hal for the assistance and calls him a "jack of all trades". Hal responds by saying that his wife thinks he's a jack of something different. Haha. Jackass.

One of the kids, Will (first meal, amirite?), goes off to take a leak because pissing on or near graves will make me like the guy even more. The ghostly trail mist does it's thing by killing him by...progressing his age, I guess. The way his decrepit corpse is positioned at death and the look on his face makes it look like he was killed mid-masturbation (Maxwell should know now). His friend's find him dead and they make good to call the proper authorities for once. Daisy's father, town sheriff Hal Miller, and his coroner buddy arrive to check the scene. They dismiss the thought of this being some childish prank, surprising, and don't get after the kid's about how uncool it is to sneak into cemeteries at night. Remember that, boys and ghouls. They also assume that Will was just struck by lightning which doesn't make a wee bit of sense, even to them but anything to get that report in and collect a paycheck. Somebody got robbed? They must've been struck by lightning! Somebody got raped? Lightning must've struck twice! Daisy, who turns out to be Will's girlfriend, gets a call from Will later that night but is only treated to the same face that she saw before. JUMP SCARE! Will's father, Carl, who just looks like trouble, comes into the morgue to see his dead son. Hal and the coroner try dissuading him to spare him the awful sight but let him in anyway only to find Will dissolved into dust, which only makes Carl more trouble than he already is. A female sheriff arrives at the cemetery, yelling out to nothing that she was the best shot in her class and the sexist in me just laughed and laughed. The ghost smoke emerges from the broken memorial and chases her into her car. I'm surprised she didn't try shooting at it, but instead of taking her car and peeling out of there, she just sits there and calls dispatch for help. You can drive and do that woman! The smoke seeps into her car, disabling it right as she comes up with the idea to drive away and kills her in a puff of smoke. She literally explodes into a puff of smoke and ash. And knowing Syfy's budget, doesn't look that pretty but at least it's better than Rock Monster.

We are introduced to Daisy's mother and Hal's wife, Ashley, who is a storm tracker tracking the shit storm's that is forming over the cemetery. She notes how weird it is and all that jazz. Enough with the science, back to the supernatural shit that turns it over on it's head. Daisy and her two other friend's, whose names I don't recall since I don't care about them (I'll just call them Fred and Velma), come to the conclusion that something supernatural is afoot here and decide to split up and search for clues. Daisy and Fred will check the church and do some research on the mass suicides together and Velma will do nothing of importance whatsoever. Hal, Ashley and the coroner skim the cemetery to check up on the female sheriff and find her ashes in her car. We are treated to Hal and Ashley's diminished relationship (a Syfy Original staple) and the coroner is killed by the mist in other display of CGI at it's finest. Hal and Ashley flee and seeks refuge at Carl's house. Daisy and Fred discover an old photo at the church and Daisey recognizes it as the face that was on her phone. Ashley tells Hal that she can send a weather balloon up into the sky to get a feel of what kind of storm they're dealing with here and of course, that backfires literally. Ashley discovers that this storm can't physically exist due to science that is beyond me. Hal says he has help coming in the morning since they can't come in any earlier because that's the government for you and since he's pretty much all that's left of the town's police force apparently.

Daisy goes home to do some research on the man in the photo. Her mother, Ashley, asks where she got the picture and Daisy asks her mother if she knows who the man is. Ashley tells her that his name is Father Barrett, the same Father Barrett who was the leader of the cult that committed the mass suicide. She also decides that now is the time to tell Daisy that Father Barrett is actually her great grandfather and they get into it casually as can be. God knows any other normal person would be tripping balls at a revelation such as this. Meanwhile, Carl has himself a Poltergeist moment on tv. They're here...JUMP SCARE! Daisy tells her mother she saw a ghost on her phone, but you know kid's and their imaginations. As if you didn't just see a man go out in a puff of smoke. Meanwhile, Hal is attacked by the mist but he escapes, so the mist takes out it's frustrations on a random janitor as witnessed by some drunken hobo. The next day, the townspeople discover the janitor's remains and know that his name is Ben just by looking at his shoe. Saves me the trouble of calling him Scruffy. After mourning the death of quite possibly the greatest guy in town, the town starts getting hysterical by claiming this is the devil's work. The Mist, much? The hobo shows up, probably hungover, and claims that he saw what happened and blames the government. Obviously, because that is what most old, homeless , drunken bastards would pin the blame on. Also, The Mist, much?

Ashley works on trying to salvage any data from the weather balloon and hopes she can fix it in order to find out where the storm's energy is coming from. Hal finds out that his back up is coming late, as usual, and the town is near mob-like with Carl predictably in command, demanding some sort of logical explanation for these events. Enter Greg Goropolis, expert on the paranormal. Greg goes on to explain that he has been conducting his own investigation and that the storm isn't natural,, but supernatural. Dun dun dun! This explanation is logical enough for the town but Hal is skeptical. As if he didn't see his friend go out in a puff of smoke, either. Hal doesn't want Greg's help but Greg says that he is all the help that Hal can get at the moment and that if and when Hal's back-up does arrive, he'll get out of his hair. Daisy and Fred head back to get to the bottom of this once and for all. Greg explains what exactly spirits are to Hal and Ashley, that they are just electronic energy and that storm is made of a lot of evil spirits that are bound together and clinging to one pure, good spirit. He should know, he's an expert! Greg gets into contact with Will's spirit but nothing important comes from it. It was another excuse to have yet another JUMP SCARE! This is more than enough to get Hal to finally believe, as if seeing his friend- you know what? Never mind.

Greg tells them that saltwater can help to disperse the ghost storm (there! I said it!) because he is an expert after all. They somehow convince the local fire department (off-screen, might I add) to help them by loading up their hoses with some salt and hose them down, but seeing as how we're only halfway through the movie, it doesn't work and the mist takes out the entire fire department. Having enough of Greg's expert opinions, Hal kicks Greg to the curb as his back-up arrives by boat into the town marina right as some townsfolk take it upon themselves to jack some boats and head for the hills. But yes, armed men armed with guns are finally here, trained specifically to fight off the supernatural forces of nature. We're saved! We're saved! We saaaahahahaved! Saved! Saved! Yes, we are saved! But this happy hopping display of hope is unceremoniously ended as the mist overtakes the back-up's boat, which looks like a cruise ship and seems like it's carrying those stuck up, high society socialites too from the sound of their high pitched and stuffy shrieks and screams of terror. NOT THE NAVY! The mist also assplodes all the other poor saps trying to escape but at least our three heroes escape unscathed! Meanwhile, Daisy and Fred discover a news story on an altar who disappeared around the time of the mass suicides, having been taken by the cult. Which brings up my previous argument, why was this cult commemorated? Greg decides to head to the eye of the ghost storm, which is the cemetery, on his own since he's such an expert on the subject. Now that, in my expert opinion, is him digging his own grave. Haha, cemetery humor.

Daisy and Fred discover an old journal in the archives that belonged to Father Telmo, they check up on his last few status updates which details his guilt over having to cover up for his father's sins. Turns out, the missing altar boy was taken by Father Barrett and his cult as a sort of sacrifice and Father Telmo's, um, father led a charge to retrieve the boy which resulted in the murders of Barrett and his followers as well as the altar boy. Telmo's father and the town decided to cover it up as a mass suicide and had the altar boy remain missing. This explains who the pure spirit is that the other evil spirits of the cultists are clinging on to. Daisy and Fred leave to show off their findings but her parents are not having it right now. The storm starts getting more violent, attacking and killing many townspeople, forcing Hal to declare a state of emergency in an effort to get people inside. Father Telmo becomes aware of these events and retreats into his man cave behind the bookshelf. The people who made it indoors are forced to cover up any crack in their surroundings in order to prevent the ghosts from gaining entry, which gets increasingly ridiculous as the movie goes on. Daisy, who is still at home after her parents ignored her findings, is called by Will once again. She contemplates answering it but remembers she had his phone in her bag the entire time and discovers that his phone is off. She is attacked by the mist and is forced to drive away to shelter. Meanwhile, Fred reunites with Velma in another shelter as they finish securing the place. Some poor sap, looks like the hobo from earlier, wants to come in and Fred wants to break their defenses to let him in but all the other sane people in the room stop him, leaving the hobo to his fate.

Hal and Ashley seeks sanctuary at the church and are let in by Carl. Daisy makes it to her mom's workplace and is helped inside by her mom's colleague, Bret. Hal, Ashley and the others notice that Father Telmo is missing in the church, leading to Carl to confront Ashley about her grandfather, Father Barrett, whose face he saw on his tv the night before. They notice that the spirits outside are moving around as if they're looking for something, prompting Carl to rile the other people in the church up in order to "sacrifice" Ashley to the spirits outside. Once again, The Mist, much? Ashley's phone rings and sees the ghostly face of her grandfather but doesn't answer it. Another guy's phone ring and he answers it, which gives the ghosts a way in as they reach through the phone and kill the only black guy in the movie and this town for that matter. Everybody's phone starts to ring and none of them answer, I'm honestly surprised. Carl tries to turn everybody against Ashley again and succeeds in convincing two goons to apprehend her. Hal busts out his gun finally and threatens Carl and anybody else who decides to follow him and Ashley out of the room, but in cruel irony, someone knocks the gun out of his hand and they are forced to flee as Carl opens fire.

Hiding from Carl and his grunts, Hal and Ashley decide to take this time to salvage their strained relationship like what most disasters do for other strained couples in film. Ashley reveals that she still has Father Telmo's journal from Daisy earlier and finally decide to read it. FINALLY discovering the mass cover up that took place all those years ago. Carl and his men find them, forcing them down the same secret door that Telmo went through. Carl finds the journal that Hal and Ash dropped and begins reading it. Back at Fred and Velma's the ghosts seep into their shelter through a vent, possessing an old woman and using her to kill everyone else inside. Fred and Velma run themselves into a corner as the mist gives chase. Velma wants Fred to kiss her as this could be their final moments and they do. Velma is killed mid-kiss as Fred finds himself kissing her decrepit corpse. The mist then kills him, and not one fuck was given that day. With all the screen time he had with Daisy, you'd think they'd pair him with her in the end. Instead, I get a couple I don't care about that hardly had any screen time together. Hal and Ashley find and confront Father Telmo about his father as Daisy is attacked at the weather center but manages to fight the mist off using a fire extinguisher. Sure, a fire hose of saltwater doesn't work but a fire extinguisher does? Carl and company stumble upon Hal, Ash and Telmo, demanding that Father Telmo give himself up. Hal gets into a fist fight with them, which I have to admit is the only part I actually liked and emitted some emotion out of me no matter how brief it was. Telmo agrees to give himself up anyway, so Hal got beat up for nothing.

Hal sends Ashley out to get Daisy while he tries to save Telmo, who is killed before he can make it out the door. This doesn't sate the ghosts' bloodlust and they begin to kill everyone in the church one-by-one and Carl, who is killed by Will's specter. Ashley heads back home to find more mist that chases her to her workplace, where she finds Daisy and they fight of the mist with a fire extinguisher again. Meanwhile, Hal is out running for his life, as well as a bunch of other people who can't stay inside or find shelter to save their lives, literally. As the mist closes in on him, Hal is saved at the last minute by Greg, whose expert opinions have kept him alive this long for a reason. Greg appears to have been to hell and back as part of his body seems to have been affected by the storm's power. Greg reveals his findings at the cemetery, the talisman from the beginning of the film that can be used to keep the spirits at bay as well as keep them sealed away. Hal tells Greg about the town cover up and the truth behind the mass suicides. As they make their way back to the weather center, Greg realizes he can't go on any longer and sacrifices himself in order to ensure that Hal makes it back safely. What a great guy, better than Ben. Hal takes the talisman and heads back to his family.

Once back, they discover that they can use the data from the broken weather balloon to find the altar boy's spirit and somehow harness it in order to drive the ghost storm back to the grave. They come up with a complicated plan to change frequencies in the storm by means of a Trojan horse weather balloon that should put the spirits back to rest for good by capitalizing on it using the talisman. After sharing a hallmark family moment, Hal heads out to put his life on the line for his family as Ashley and Daisy preps the weather balloon for take off. The storm lays it I to Hal but his extinguisher loses steam, leaving him screwed at the hands of the specters. The ghosts start pouring into the weather station, but Daisy keeps them away with a now broken talisman thanks to her butterfingers. After throwing it back together using the magic of duct tape, Hal finally changes the storm's the frequency by creating an electric current from the power station using his body as the liaison between that and the weather balloon. He merely gyrated gently as thousands of volts pulsated through him. You'd think he'd be burnt to a crisp. The storm finally clears up somehow, be it the change in frequency or the talisman. They never made that quite clear.

Hal's wife and daughter rush to his side, Hal having made the ultimate sacrifice for his family and town. Oh wait, he's faking it? I take all that back then. He's a douche. Hal and Ashley kiss and make up, their relationship salvaged thanks to this awful, awful event. Daisy asks if they can finally go home but Hal says he has work to do in the office. I think he'd have earned himself plenty of days off had he not let practically the entire town's population die out in just a day. And so it was, the Miller family got themselves their own private island that stormy day. They all share a good laugh as the lives of an entire town weigh lightly on their shoulders. Yes, the all are idiots aren't they? I'm Morgan Freeman.

In conclusion, this movie wasn't too bad. Definitely of the Syfy Originals I can thoroughly enjoy. The acting in here is not as bad as some of Syfy's other finished products. The plot wasn't too shabby, either. It had it's flaws of course but wasn't all bad. I don't get why the main characters were so distraught over the fact the mass suicides were a cover-up. I mean, that Father Barrett guy and his cult still came off like bad people, what with abducting the altar boy and planned on using him as part of ritual. Father Telmo's father came out as the lesser of two evils there, I mean, the guy had good intentions trying to save the boy and through some tragic turn of events, the boy was killed in the crossfire. I know he's still partly at fault and it doesn't help him that he covered the whole incident up to make himself look good, but aaaahh. Maybe it would've help more if they had Barrett being unfairly pinned as the cult leader to cover for Telmo's father, who could've been the actual leader. That way, I could hate Telmo's father about as much as the characters in this movie did. The constant use of jump scares as scene transitions felt redundant after awhile, which as I've said before, shows how not-scary this movie is but horror is never Syfy's forte. The whole ending sequence confused me and it calls for me to watch it again to get a better grip on what happened. I mean, was it the change in frequencies that put the storm away? Was it the hastily repaired power of the talisman? Was it a combination of both? Do I just have a low attention span? All in all, decent movie by Syfy standards. One of the better one's I've seen story-wise (well most of the movies revolving around ghosts are Syfy's better originals since they're not WAY out there and ridiculous as their monster originals. Well, to me) but the holes mount up. I also found the various ways the ghosts had to get through to break in to shelters were hilarious. They're ghosts, they can just go through walls and shit. How many Bran Flakes does this get?

Two Bran Flakes out of Four.

[The Crow]

Gonna do a different take with this one. Tonight, OMJ does...

Seeing as how I liked The Collector, I have to admit that I was pretty hyped to see that it would be getting a sequel. Of course, I took into account how most sequels don't quite "pan out", especially in the horror genre, and I also took into account that, as the image above somehow takes pride in saying, it's coming from the "twisted writers of SAW IV, V, VI and VII". I'm personally not quite fond of those installments. IV and VI were a slight level above "meh", but V and VII were just "meh" and from watching those installments, you could tell that the franchise was going in any which direction just to keep itself alive, in a way playing Jigsaw's little game itself, but these are possible reviews for another day.

Like I said, I was fond of The Collector but does it's sequel match up? In short, no, it just doesn't quite do it for your old man. It's not that bad by any means, but I just found it boring for the most part. To sum things up, Elena, the daughter of a wealthy man finds herself collected by The Collector following a bloodfest inside some club she was partying at with friends at the time, and behind her father's back no less. Arkin, our protagonist from the previous film who was very recently kidnapped by The Collector, manages to escape during the carnage and leaves Elena at the mercy of the Collector. Elena's father hires a supposedly, yet not-quite-so, elite team of mercenaries to get his daughter back. The mercenaries force Arkin to help them locate and storm the Collector's house of pain in order to find Elena and end the Collector's reign of terror forever!

One glaring thing that I found boring was how little effort they put in trying to develop these new characters. Arkin pretty much takes a backseat character-wise and plays second banana to this band of misfits majority of the time, yet I'm given very little reason to even get behind these guys, be they benevolent or malevolent. Almost all the mercenaries are pretty much Collector fodder and are mostly killed before they even do anything worthwhile. The only mercenary who has at least SOMETHING going for him is, of course, their leader, Lucello. Unlike the other mercenaries, Lucello has a special bond with Elena and father, having previously saved her life during a bad car accident back when she was a child with her father, which is another thing I wished the writers delved into. The flashbacks just show him arriving out of nowhere, salvaging her from the wreck. What possesses him to risk his life so selflessly? Why is he so attached to Elena afterwards, apparently being her guardian angel for years following this accident? Where the hell did he exactly come from? Was he the driver that drove into them? I'm just left assuming he's some sort of...random...creeper. It srsly comes off being that weird, well, for me.

Our deuteragonist, our heroine, Elena, was a character I felt they could've done a bit more with. She was pretty much your bland damsel in distress with Sauce's Pa problems who ends up rebelling against daddy, thrusting herself in a life or death situation and ultimately proving to the viewers that she is very much capable of taking care of herself, having survived traversing through the bad guy's own fucking dojo by herself and pretty much outliving all the people her father sent to go rescue her. They established an awfully hasty "cheating boyfriend" angle at the beginning of the film that I felt would've been essential to Elena's character had it been more expanded upon as the film went on. Elena is just fending for herself for majority of the movie and I felt she should've had more interaction with other characters to show more of her personality, sorta like how Arkin interacted with the endangered family members in the first film. Hell, even like in Saw where the prtoganists come across other poor souls who find themselves trapped in Jigsaw's games. Considering she was in The Collector's dojo, you'd think he'd have more of his, ya know, collection lying around hoping for a way out. Well, she did meet up with another prisoner named Abby, who you can just tell is more trouble than she's worth and it's pretty much a known fact that she likes being a prisoner there which kinda kills the moment where she (surprise!) double-crosses our heroes. If this movie did anything right, it was making me glad to see that bitch, Abby, killed.

Enough about those idiots though, let's get to the two characters that are more worth watching, Arkin and the Collector. Like I said, Arkin takes a backseat development-wise until the end. We get a a scene or two with his wife, who he went through all the trouble in the first movie for, but nothing really materializes from it. Arkin's pretty much forced by Lucello to cooperate with him in order to be saved from his criminal record because Lucy's backed by Ted freakin' Turner seemingly. You also can't blame Arkin for wanting some measure of revenge on the Collector. So fueled by revenge and a chance at a new beginning in his life, Arkin leads the mercenaries to Jigsaw's lair through...sonar graphic memory/motion memory? He basically cut himself at every turn the Collector took while driving him towards his lair while locked in a box, might I add. How is he so damn sure that the place they end up at would be the right place? How does he know the exact distances traveled before and after each turn? How does he know which general direction to go? For all he knew, he could've led them to a McDonalds where the Collector would grab a post-slaughter snack!

The Collector continued to remain a man of mystery, at until the very end where it's revealed that he's the son of a entomologist/museum owner who murdered and stuffed his own family on Thanksgiving save for his son, who would be warped by this incident and eventually become the sick bastard he is today. This would at least explain how he has acquired some of the skills for his craft and why he puts his victims all out on display in his lair, but God almighty, this guy was making short work of supposedly elite soldiers here. He easily picked one mercenary apart with just a knife, he killed the other one with a hook and chain, and he captured another one in a matter of seconds. He caught one up in a trap and he almost caught Lucello in traps twice. He makes these special op navy seals whatever they are look like a bunch of fucking idiots! He even overpowered Lucello in a knife fight and I'm supposed to buy that he's just some mild mannered bug doctor?! With the people he's "collected", the Collector pretty much does what you'd expect some sick fuck like him would do. He does everything. He tortures, kills, puts them out on sick display, keeps some around to perform lewd acts on them I'm assuming and turns them into zombies. Yeah, things got a bit too ridiculous for me at zombies. He apparently gets some of his prisoners hopped up on bath salts or something and use them as guard dogs. But I give them some credit for continuing to elaborate and expand upon The Collector while still maintaining some of his mystique.

Things come to a head between Arkin and the Collector at the end and we're treated to big final confrontation, pretty much the only part worth watching this movie for. The hate between these two has been pretty well built, stemming from the first movie, and you can't help but root for Arkin knowing some of the shit he's been through in both movies. In the end, Arkin overcomes the Collector and leaves him for dead in his burning lair, but if you're familiar with the horror genre, you know the bad guy can't really be dead. My suspicions were confirmed when the bodies were salvaged and only the Collector's charred mask was left behind. The end, right? This leads right into another sequel. Well, we're treated to something a bit more satisfying. An unspecified amount of time later, Arkin had somehow tracked the Collector's real identity down and confronts him in his own home at gunpoint, where Arkin apprehends him and tosses him into a chest similar to the one that Collector used to lock Arkin in when he kidnapped him at the end of the first film. Arkin tells the Collector, whose face is still a mystery, that he's gonna subject him to same the torture and pain he had previously put Arkin through and the movie ends at that. Elena is reunited with her father and Arkin makes the Collector his bitch. Happy ending!

Like I said, not a really BAD sequel by any means, it was just boring and predictable for the most part and things only really picks up at the end. It doesn't try to improve upon what made The Collector so enjoyable for me and you could really care less about most of the cast. I also felt that the gore here wasn't quite up to par in this installment, which kind of shocked me. None of the traps really stuck out as cringe-worthy, the only part remotely close would have to be the club scenes at the beginning of the film where the club goers were mowed down and another group of clubbers were crushed in a pseudo-compactor and neither of those slaughters were impressive, really. It just looked ridiculous, especially knowing that the club mower was easily avoidable but you know these kid's and their electro music and provocative dancing. They get so caught up in it that they don't even notice a lawn mover coming their way. Looking back at the traps in the first film, this guy went above and beyond to lockdown a normal house nice and tight. Nowhere was safe. You could walk down a small hallway and find yourself hacked by thin ass razor wire. You could walk into a seemingly safe bathroom and find yourself caught up in fishhooks by your eye lids. You could make one wrong step heading down the stairs and fall into a bunch of bear traps. You could even get out through the windows without gushing out from all the razor blades covering it. You head into sick ass' own lair and you don't really feel that sense of fear of your surroundings. It was fitted with some of the familiar traps, sure, but it doesn't feel as anally compulsive as the random houses that he raids. Arkin, Elena and the others were just marching on through and he mostly takes the intruders out by himself, which brings the suspense level down a bit. The Saw series at least tries to be creative and innovative with their traps in each movie, but The Collection lacks that creativity that those movies and even The Collector had.

I'm hearing talk that they may be planning a sequel, "The Collected", and I'm already having some second thoughts about it if it does come to fruition. Unless the Collector escapes Arkin, I can't see how it'd be plausible to even make a sequel unless they decide to go Saw on us by putting somebody else under the mask. I hear people suggesting that Arkin could be the next Collector based on The Collection's ending, but that wouldn't make any sense. I interpreted that ending as being Bane's henchman finally getting his revenge on the sick fuck who got away with kidnapping and torturing him, nothing more and nothing less. Why would he go around continuing that work? He's been trying to escape his criminal lifestyle, why would he become a serial killer and kidnapper? As a means of recreational activity? I don't think so, Tim. But this all merely speculation so enough with this crap.

On OMJ's scale, I'd give it:

2 Bran Flakes out 4

[The Crow]

Well, here's my first of (hopefully) few Christmas special reviews. I've brought this gift for you, it was up in my bum! Christmas is a time of peace and harmony, to show good will to our fellow man and all those such things that majority of people don't even do during the holidays. Today, I look back at a tale about a boy and his drum. An enduring special that reminds us all what Christmas is truly all about. Today, Old Man Jenkins does...

We start off with a brief summary by our storyteller, Miss Greer Garson, about the troubling times occurring "a couple days B.C." Caesar Augustus and the Roman Empire were imposing strict taxes over their people which would be punishable by death if no one were to comply. We are then introduced to our antagonists, Ben Haramed and his whipping boy, Ali, who run a show caravan, performing to the masses for money but they apparently suck at it given that they're introduced by walking around a desert aimlessly with nothing but the clothes on their backs. They then come across our protagonist, the namesake for this special, the Little Drummer Boy (or Aaron), who is just randomly traversing the sandy terrain leading a small parade of some of the smartest petting zoo animals known to man named Samson, Baba and Joshua. Ben and Ali recognizes him as Aaron, the little drummer boy who's apparently renowned for his hatred of all humans. Ali is reluctant about working with Aaron but Ben is all "Holla Holla make Dollar". Using the rope that Ben brought along for just such an occasion, they restrain Aaron and apprehend his animal friends. Aaron is all like "IM AN OGRE! RAWR!" and Ben manages to convince Aaron to toss his human hate aside and join his show in town, which Aaron also hates, by singing about gooses and getting hung and high, or something to that extent.

Oh, and if it isn't clear to you yet, AARON HATES ALL HUMANS! Just thought I'd reiterate that well known fact again because that's a plot point that they're really trying to hit home here. We are given a flashback that explains to us just why AARON HATES ALL HUMANS! In his (slightly) younger years, Aaron was the son of a shepherd.

One day, his father gave him a gift of music, the drum which he continues to play and treasures to this day, which I assume was only a couple of days later. And using the magical powers of his drum, summoned powerful demons- er, I mean, made friends with Baba, Samson and Joshua, who would be his only friends during the (seemingly) days or weeks following what's to come. One night, desert bandits raided their farm and kills Aaron's father (on-screen at that, holy shit) and mother before taking their entire supply of sheep and burned their barn to the ground. And it was because of these terrible acts perpetrated by two lowlives that led to AARON HATING ALL HUMANS! He hates them all, y'know?

Ben takes Aaron to Jerusalem where we are treated to Ben's show group, two China men whose disastrous display of tumbling is a spit in the face of the future People's Republic and Ali of Arabia who is definitely no Peter O'Toole. With no talent himself and the crowd becoming "restless" (or better yet, bored out of their minds), Ben has Aaron save what's left of his and his show's reputation(if there were anything left) with a smile on his face. But Aaron, being the human hater that they've been trying push here, refuses to smile to these people. Ben just slaps some paint on the poor lad

And throws him out there. After a rousing display that surely puts Drumline to shame, Aaron asks the audience "why can't the animals smile?" and sings about how some animals, some that I dont even think can be found in the Middle East, don't "twitter like people do." No lie, the Little Drummer Boy predicted the coming of one of the biggest social networks of the modern age. The people just eat it all up because of just how adorable it is, what with the painted boy and those rascally barn critters. Also, if you pay attention closely at the crowd, you can find one of the bandits who ruined Aaron's life. It's so cruelly amusing.

The crowd wants

But Aaron refuses to put himself out on display anymore for these people and calls them nasty words like "knave", which puts the audience in a frenzy and they run the Blue Man Group out of town. In the outskirts of town, Ben promises that Aaron will pay for this indignity by making Aaron humble (patooie!), but they're interrupted by the sight of a nearby camp housing *gasp* A KING! Wait a second, no! TWO KINGS! No! Three, THREE KINGS!

They turn out to be the wise men from the east, following the Star of Bethlehem to an unknown destination. Consumed by greed, Ben and Ali fail to take notice of the star and only sees this as an opportunity to cash in while Aaron, being consumed by hate, is also oblivious to the radiant beauty of the star. Ben wants Aaron to perform for these kings and that in exchange for his compliance, will be given half of all the profits and freedom from Haramed's caravan (which I assume has candy inside). Aaron only agrees knowing that with all the money he gets from the Kings, he will finally be free and no longer have to trouble himself with humans, whom he hates most of all! What does he plan on doing? Build a fort out of all that gold? Because doing anything productive with all that money will inevitably require more human (which he HATES) interaction.

They approach the three Kings; Melchior, Gaspar, Belthazar...and Dot. The wise men are about to break camp and continue following the star but are interrupted by Ben, who wants to raid their pockets for their underpants- er, money. Ben tells them about his show troop of players and how they want to plant their black asses at their camp and bust out a few moves and spit some rhymes to keep the party going all night so, uh, bang bang skeet skeet, nukka. The wise men have no time for such merriment and tell him to BEGONE! As the kings are about to make their leave, one of their camels collapses from the strain of it's load and fatigue from the journey so far. Gee, I wonder who has a spare camel to sell? Ben jumps at the opportunity to sell Joshua, Aaron's camel. The kings tell Ben that "you strike a hard bargain, player." before riding dirty towards the star. Aaron wants nothing more to do with Ben and Ali and heads off to find Joshua, and that's the last we see of Cirque du Soleil there.

Aaron finally takes note of the Star of Bethlehem and remember that the kings were following it, so he runs after it too in hopes of catching up with them. Arriving at Bethlehem, Aaron notices he's not the only star chaser as the town is being visited by fellow sons of shepherds. Aaron comes upon quite possibly the worst place he can find himself wandering in, a stable surrounded by people (HAAAATE!!) but is overjoyed when he finally finds Joshua. They run towards each other for a joyful reunion with smiles on their face- HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUUUUXCK!??! The sense of joy is quickly sucked out of this scene as a random roman soldier comes blazing through like a bat out of hell and performs quite possibly the World's first hit and run on Aaron's lamb, Baba. You'd think the solider would be breaking up the large crowd of vagabonds venerating our newborn king, but ehhh. In tears and disoriented by this more recent load of mental trauma, Aaron remembers that the wise men are wise and stuff and decides to take Baba to them for help. Gaspar tells him that the lamb is near-death and being a mortal king, he can't help much, BUT there is a king above Kings who can, so in other words

Aaron doesn't have a gift to bring (parumpumpumpum) the newborn babe, but there is something he can do. He decides to play his drum for him parumpumpumpum. Pleased with the gift, Baby Jesus smiled at him parumpapapum. According to the narrator, who's apparently a guy now, it was the most beautiful sight that Aaron's ever seen, the little drummer boy commenting that there is much more to the baby that meets the eye.

Gaspar proceeds to tell Aaron that his gift, a simple desperation given out of pure love, is the one favor above all. And it's a miracle! Baba's alive and well again as Aaron and his animal friend embrace each other out of pure joy, overcoming the hatred in his heart and making him realize that his feelings inside have been wrong, all wrong. Blessed are the pure of heart, as they are the ones that shall see God.

And that's The Little Drummer Boy for ya. A childhood Christmas classic that shall continue being as such for years to come. This Christmas special kinda "goes there", what with the rather dark themes and the brief, mostly-on-screen death of Aaron's father, but it all leads to a happy ending. Hell, even Ben and Ali get to live off their newfound fortune and the soldier who ran over Baba is still alive and kicking under the Roman Emperor. Hell, that's pretty much the only complaint I have about this special. What the hell happens to Ben and his freakshow following their fortune? Do they still do their show thing? Do they retire and live off the rest of their money? Are they killed by bandits who wanted their treasure? Hell, did the roman soldier get into a chariot accident because he was going so damn fast near a crowd of people? But maybe it's best we don't know, after all, they're most likely going to rot in hell anyway. Despite the short runtime, this special gets its story told and it's message of love over hate sent and it's rather enjoyable for both kids and adults alike. Aaron's a pretty relatable character and you can't help but feel for the kid after seeing all that he's been going through. He's definitely my favorite main character out of the entire Rankin/Bass Christmas collection. Also, I was especially pretty fond of Jose Ferrer's performance as the greedy Arabic Mr. Krabs, Ben Haramed. All in all, I think this Christmas special deserves

3 and a half Bran Flakes out of 4. Just imagine half a box there while I arrange to have a real one sent to me.