Valentine’s Day Returns

[Old Man Jenkins]

YouTubers and the like quickly made quitting and taking hiatuses in 2024 tacky, so I’m back.
 

Plot: A holiday slasher in Bikini Bottom.

Episode 1: Saint Valentine’s Day Massacre

This episode recaps the tragic events of the SpongeBob episode, “Valentine’s Day”. We see Patrick Star, in all his chubby, pink gory, terrorizing the Bikini Bottom Valentine’s Day Carnival. The massacre begins when Patrick uses his weight to jump up and down in his Ferris wheel seat, which dislodges the ride entirely off the ground with each impatient leap he makes in anticipation of SpongeBob’s valentines gift. But in his excitement, he unknowingly causes a handful of other passengers to be forcefully ejected from the Ferris wheel. At least some of them presumably fall to their untimely deaths. The slaughter continues when Patrick finally snaps at the shocking revelation that SpongeBob has had numerous valentines behind his back (he practically handed out his heart to everyone in that episode), and they each were given a much better gift than just a friendly handshake. Patrick is shown grabbing a man just asking for the time and yeeting him to a supposed offscreen demise, he grabs another man by his pants and drops him on the ground violently in front of his wife, he murders a balloon stand in broad daylight, rips Heart Man clean in half, stripping his undisguised variant down to just his underwear, commits attempted murder on the Chair-O-Planes ride that then led to the deaths of even more riders who chose to jump from their seats to escape his firm grasp, he traumatizes a little girl for life by bisecting her lollipop in front of her and devouring the remains like a mad man. His rampage concludes when he corners a crowd of whoever’s left on the edge of the pier. He threatens to “break them” despite their best efforts to soothe his impotent rage with half-hearted, re-gifted valentines gifts. The crowd eventually sacrifices the rather promiscuous SpongeBob in a joint effort to save their own skins, but their skins are ultimately saved when Sandy finally decides to show up with Patrick’s actual Valentine’s Day gift; a chocolate balloon which he proceeds to blow up immediately, dousing everyone and everything in what I can only presume to be scalding hot chocolate.

When it’s all said done, lives have been both lost and ruined in the wake of Patrick’s reckoning. Bodies are stretchered out, either salvaged from the chocolate or fished out from nearby waters. SpongeBob, Sandy and especially Patrick are let off scot-free while Heart Man’s undisguised variant is taken in by police for public indecency. Yes, this is pretty much the opening act of Thanksgiving.

Trivia

• The title of this spin-off is a play on such episode titles as “Squilliam Returns”, “Bubble Buddy Returns” and “Spot Returns”, while also continuing their tradition of being follow-ups

[Old Man Jenkins]

Episode 2: Several Skipped Valentine’s Specials Later…

 

We open up to a Bikini Bottom post-Valentine’s Day, one day after New Year’s. The town has long since banned Valentine’s Day in the ensuing fallout of that day’s unfortunate events. Stores could no longer carry items used to celebrate the occasion that would just end up not selling anyway, let’s be honest. Roses were outright outlawed and anything heart-shaped or made of chocolate quickly became public enemy number one. PDA’s happening anytime in February would get you an entire month in the slammer minimum, whereas scheduling so much as a single date with your significant other could see you both thrown in prison for one year. Yes, the mayor of Bikini Bottom has cracked down hard on this accursed holiday. And somehow, he got re-elected for it. Most welcomed the complete washing away of Valentine’s Day. Others felt that the rest of the year just simply isn’t enough to show their special someone that they truly love them. To them, they needed this one specific day that everyone saw coming a year away to get their points across in a spontaneous manner.

 

With our world building out of the way, we can finally start this love story off properly at the Krusty Krab, where Squidward is seen thinking to himself out loud that “everybody’s an idiot but me” and wearing his “I Sure Wish I Can Share PDA’s With My Significant Other” button in protest of the town’s stilted view on Valentine’s Day. He notices some graffiti drawn onto the restaurant’s glass door, consisting of a crude drawing of SpongeBob with the word “SLUT” being pointed right at it. Squidward quickly goes to clean it up as soon as he hears SpongeBob’s “I’m Ready”’s in the distance. He greets SpongeBob with his usual scowl as soon as he enters through the swinging doors. 

 

Once SpongeBob makes his way into the kitchen, a customer named Dave approaches Squidward with disdain and questions why he erased such poignant street art. Squidward, being something of an artist himself, offers a thinly veiled jab at Dave in the form of an honest critique on the piece. Squidward says that the piece was meant to imply that SpongeBob is a “slut”, which Squidward believes deep, deep down that he is not. Dave tries rationalizing that Squidward’s take is a result of him being “SpongeBob’s first catch of that day”. Squidward refutes that claim by saying that SpongeBob giving him that heart wasn’t a romantic gesture, but one friend showing care for another. Dave doesn’t take kindly to that explanation, saying that what he, himself, and SpongeBob had was special. Dave reveals that SpongeBob gave him roses that day, which is more than what any heart-shaped card could ever amount to. Squidward royally pisses Dave off by quipping “Which way to the Lonely Heart’s Club meeting? Don’t be late!”

 

Dave punches Squidward square in his big nose, inciting a brawl inside the restaurant. SpongeBob, being the only other employee on the clock, quickly comes out to break things up by putting himself between the two. Dave insults the two, spitefully yelling that “two birds of a feather fuck together!” This finally gains the attention of Mr. Krabs, who is forced to come out of his office, where he does absolutely nothing with money whatsoever. Krabs offers Dave a meal on Mr. Squidward as a make good for his employee’s transgression before telling Squidward that he can take that cheeky button of his and PDA himself during his “extended break”.

 

Dave indulges in his all expense paid meal, commenting that “at least someone working here has some integrity”. Back in the kitchen, after everything has settled down, SpongeBob is seen bandaging Squidward's nose with a first aid kit. An awkward silence fills the room before Squidward finally breaks it by asking SpongeBob if he really meant it with that heart he gave him that fateful morning. Of course SpongeBob meant it when he handed it over to him with all his heart. But Squidward wants a more solid answer. He wants to know, definitively, if SpongeBob “really, REALLY meant it”.

 

“Yes, Squidward. I really, REALLY meant it.”

 

“And what of the others you handed out that day? The gifts, the chocolate, the roses, the fucking bike? Did you also give all that away with all your heart??”

 

“Why yes, I-I meant it all…for just about everybody…”

 

Squidward’s eyes watered just a little, but he didn’t want to give SpongeBob the satisfaction, that pleasure, of seeing him emotionally vulnerable.

 

“Well I sure hope you did mean it all with all your heart, SpongeBob. Because you’ve broken mine, and so many others.”

 

A dejected Squidward leaves SpongeBob alone in the kitchen with these words. Before he can fully leave the premises, however, he is stopped by his boss, who continues to reprimand him. The conversation then awkwardly transitions to Krabs asking Squidward what exactly SpongeBob put in that Valentine’s card of his that fateful day. He only asks because Mrs. Puff received a heart-shaped card from SpongeBob that day too, and he can’t help but picture “Poppy going dutch” with SpongeBob with every moment Krabs spends with her. Squidward refuses to divulge any sensitive information and leaves in a huff.

 

Later that same day, Squidward is seen drowning his sorrows in bon bons and toasting canned bread in the bathtub to make for a pretty sensical scenario. He calls up Squilvia on his shellphone, knowing full well that it’s been a long time since she was last in his life and he in her’s, and tells her that he’s had “more than enough time to think about it” and has decided that he wants to pursue consummating a relationship with her. Squilvia tells him that it’s too late, she’s already found another dickhead boyfriend. Squilliam Fancyson gets on the call and tells Squidward to “use a sponge” the next time he decides to consummate anything and hangs up. Not wanting to take this lying down, Squidward opts to fight for Squilvia’s love by calling her back but gets her voicemail instead, which is just Squilliam repeating the same line over again.

 

“Squilvia, I know I flaked out like a bitch on you. I said I needed some time to myself to get my head straight and address some unwanted feelings, but I’m over all of that now! You were right, he’s a slut! SpongeBob’s a huge fucking slut! I never should’ve let that moment of weakness, that memory, all those years ago overtake the very real feelings I had for you! Squilvia, I love you, honest! With all my HEART, MAN-“

 

Squidward frantically moves out of the way of his bathroom mirror, his toaster suddenly crashing into it, shattering the glass. Squidward scrambles away, looking back to catch a glimpse of the Heart Man standing before him. The costume looked tattered, worn and has seen better days. It appears to have been stitched vertically, right down the middle. Some sort of cheaply done effort to repair the damage that Patrick had done to it, no doubt. Squidward wonders aloud how it’s possible for Heart Man to still be around. He was put away, done away with a long time ago. But before he could finish his thoughts, Heart Man grabs hold of a displaced mirror shard and stabs away at Squidward. Squidward is soon covered in hundreds of deep cuts, bleeding out all over. Heart Man grabs Squidward and holds his head over the tub, seemingly looking to drown him, but ends up surprising with a slice to the throat. Squidward coughs and chokes up blood as Heart Man dumps Squidward’s entire body into the tub. Squidward struggles to make his way back up but his grave injuries make it difficult. He’s able to make out his toaster descending into the bath water next to him. Right when Squidward realizes the severity of that, the water decides to electrify with him in it. The water bubbles and turns redder and redder as his body ceases to move at the bottom of the tub. Reduced to being this love story’s opening kill.

 

Notes

• The song that Squidward has playing on his Blotify during the bathroom scene is “Too Much Love Will Kill You” by Queen

 

Trivia

• Dave appears in the original “Valentine’s Day” episode, being addressed by name by SpongeBob himself

[Old Man Jenkins]

Episode 3: Losing Emotional Weight

 

Even later that same day, the Valentine’s Day Support Group are seen holding their bi-weekly meeting in Larry’s Gym, with Larry the Lobster presiding. The support group’s membership consists of those who were victimized during that fateful Valentine’s Day all that time ago. Larry spots yet another crude piece of street art insinuating that SpongeBob is a SLUT on his gym’s entrance doors. He wants whoever is doing that around town to stop it, assuming that it must be one of the members of his group.

 

That fateful Valentine’s Day has left everyone attending with scars, both physical and emotional, and Larry wants to put his ph.d in self care to good use by helping people get over their trauma by living more like him. He wants all the attendees to get a good three hour pump in with minimal breaks before their meeting can commence. When the three hours are finally up, they all circle around in the gym’s sauna to share their feelings to the group.

 

Betty is the first to share, telling the group that her husband, Creighton, couldn’t join them this evening because the pain of his injuries was too much for him to wanna go out. She confides in the group that he has emotionally withdrawn himself.He’s stopped taking his prescribed medication. She blames herself by dragging him to the damned carnival. If she hadn’t egged him into taking her, none of this would’ve happened. Larry tries comforting her by saying that nobody counted on things turning out like they did and that she shouldn’t blame herself for the current state of her marriage. From what it sounds like, Creighton should be the one shouldering the blame for not trying hard enough to fight for what he still has. Because at Larry’s Gym, “if you ain’t trying, you’re better off just dying”. He tells her that that’s a harsh truth, but the key word there is “harsh”. Because at Larry’s Gym “if you’re not being harsh on yourself, you’re not being honest with yourself”. He advises that Creighton needs to get his shit together, lest Betty finds herself someone who has got their shit together. At least, that’s how Larry would live out her situation.

 

The next to speak is Dave, who starts off by recounting the encounter he had with both SpongeBob and Squidward earlier in the day. He says that going to the Krusty Krab has become difficult for him lately because SpongeBob is always working. He’s tried and he’s tried pushing his feelings for SpongeBob to the very back of his mind, but the fact remains that SpongeBob is always ON his mind. Dave can’t help but replay the scenario of that day in his head over and over again. What was it that he did wrong? Was it something he said? He only approached SpongeBob as he was in the middle of a conversation to thank him for the roses he gifted him and then wished him a happy Valentine’s Day. Was there something he could have possibly done differently? These thoughts have haunted Dave ever since. Fran interjects and reminds Dave that SpongeBob was just stringing them all along as a part of his sick, twisted little game. He gave her a box of chocolates that very same day, and she ended up getting burned for it literally. She once againshows the group the burns scars she sustained from the chocolate hot air balloon exploding. She then goes so far as to imply that he pushed that “chubby, pink starfish over the edge too”.

 

Betty doesn’t want Fran to even bring up that cretin around her. Hearing just his description is enough to drive her crazy. Larry tries to regain control of the room and asks

 

Larry: Did any of you ever think that maybe SpongeBob was just trying to be nice to everybody that day? You know, because he’s just a nice guy?

 

Dave: He is nice. He was the nicest guy any of us knew!

 

Fran: If he were really “nice”, he would’ve just stayed a one valentine man. He was the first person that day to give me anything. And at the time, for the first time in a long time, it made me actually feel like someone special. Like I really was his special someone. Do you think I accepted anything else after? No!

 

Betty: His playing around with people’s emotions critically injured my husband!

 

Sensing tensions flaring at an all time high, Larry tries shifting the attention away from SpongeBob by bringing attention to a new member of their group; Bubble Bass. Larry introduces Bubble Bass as someone who was hurt that day in a much different way than everyone else. And hopefully his story of survival will help offer the others clarity.

 

The group recognize Bubble Bass as that klepto who kept all their things under his tongue, charges he vehemently denies, but that’s besides the point. He claims to be a victim just as much as anyone else there. Like them, his heart was broken too that day. However, his was broken because he received nothing at all! At least SpongeBob thought of them that day. SpongeBob didn’t even bother to think of him, and why was that? Because Bubble Bass offered him the first honest piece of constructive criticism in his life?! Bubble Bass drops the bombshell that he couldn’t even be at the carnival that day because no one bothered asking him out to it. They all got to experience at least something good that day unlike him, who was forced to spend it involuntarily with his mother.

 

As expected, the group doesn’t take kindly to him putting his non-problems above their own, and this all proceeds to blow up in Larry’s face. Larry’s hand is forced and he must intervene on Bubble Bass’ behalf and pull him away from his beating.

 

Bubble Bass: I knew you all wouldn’t understand! You Chads and Tiffanies all had that chubby, pink starfish coming!

 

Betty breaks away from the group and pounces Bubble Bass for mentioning that accursed starfish again, but Larry promptly breaks them up.

 

Bubble Bass: You deserved to have your hearts broken and lives ruined! And you deserve it all again!

 

The group chases Bubble Bass out of the sauna and into the night. Dave is later seen walking back to his boatmobile, still parked in the parking lot of Larry’s Gym. He gets in his vehicle and the scene with SpongeBob in Valentine’s Day replays in his head again.

 

Patrick (flashback): And even though I was expecting more-

 

Dave (flashback): Thanks for the roses, SpongeBob. Happy Valentine’s Day.

 

SpongeBob (flashback): You too, Dave

 

Dave (flashback): *walks off*

 

Dave (present): Perhaps I did deserve it…

 

His train of thought is suddenly interrupted by the sight of Heart Man in his rear view mirror. Heart Man reaches over from the backseat and grabs Dave’s head with one hand and takes a rose stem to his neck with the other, slitting Dave’s throat wide open using the rose’s thorns. Blood squirts out onto his windshield, coating it in red.

 

Notes

• The song that plays on Dave’s car radio during his death scene is “Every Rose Has its Thorn” by Poison

 

Trivia

• Betty was seen in the original Valentine’s Day episode waiting in line for a ride alongside her husband before Patrick attacked them

• Fran was seen in the original Valentine’s Day episode, being the first incidental to thank SpongeBob for his valentines gift. She was also addressed by name by SpongeBob himself

[Old Man Jenkins]

Episode 4: A Broken Heart and The Will to Live

 

SpongeBob wakes up at 3 am, the result of some misguided sense of duty to count the sesame seeds at the Krusty Krab, as well as still thinking about what went down with Squidward the previous day. He doesn’t quite get it. Squidward tore his Valentine card up in plain sight for SpongeBob to see that year. He didn’t even accept the gift to begin with, so why was he suddenly acting like SpongeBob peed in his Bran Flakes? Better yet, why is everybody acting like SpongeBob peed in their Bran Flakes?!

 

SpongeBob decides to stop by Squidward’s on the way to work. Hoping to clear the air about this Valentine’s Day business once and for all. SpongeBob makes his way inside Squidward’s abode using a spare key Squidward gave him. For some reason. Squidward was nowhere to be seen downstairs, so he went on ahead upstairs. He enters Squidward’s bedroom to find that he surprisingly wasn’t in bed. He looks around a little, soon catching sight of a heart-shaped card displayed on Squidward’s night stand. The card appears to be heavily taped up, as if it was desperately being salvaged.

 

SpongeBob sees a light emanating from the other side of Squidward’s cracked bathroom door. He walks over to it, almost slipping on something as he reaches for the doorknob. He looks down to see a red viscous fluid also seeping through from the other side of the door. He swings the door open and lets out a scream that you would find in a SpongeBob’s Best Freak Out Moments and Screams compilation.

 

Bikini Bottom Police arrive and tape up the entire house. Detectives investigate the entire scene top to bottom and they conclude that Squidward’s death is the result of a suicide. From what they gather of SpongeBob’s account of the previous day, as well as finding the Valentine’s Day card that Squidward still has in possession after all this time, it appears as though the stress and unaddressed emotions of it all unfortunately caught up to him. They walk SpongeBob through what exactly happened; Squidward begins by shattering his mirror and using a broken piece of glass to cut and stab himself all over. He tried drowning himself but found that electrocution would be a faster, easier option. He then ultimately decides to rip his own heart out of his chest, possibly to symbolize SpongeBob ripping his heart out when he was leading him on. They couldn’t, however, recover said heart, as it no longer appears to be at the crime scene. They finally cap off Squidward’s demise by declaring that Squidward, with the last ounce of life he had left, then scrawled the words “You Broke My Heart Man” on the bathroom wall with his own blood. Open and shut case.

 

They then reveal to SpongeBob that they found the third player in SpongeBob’s story, Dave, dead in his vehicle just a few hours prior. It appears he had slit his own neck with a rose and then stuffed an entire bouquet down his neck hole. Very gruesome, very timely stuff given the banned holiday fast approaching. One of the detectives then say the thing by exclaiming

 

Detective: It would seem Valentine’s Day returns…with a bloody vengeance.

 

They then warn SpongeBob to not break anymore hearts or else they’ll be liable to bring him in, but him saying the thing suddenly reminds SpongeBob of Patrick, who he has made an effort to avoid since that very day. He shifts his attention towards his rock. It appears as though Patrick isn’t home.

 

 

Trivia

• This episode was written as the ultimate act of defiance against Heart Man by not having him up in an episode posted on actual Valentine’s Day