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Posts posted by JCM

  1. I've added an interview with Dani Michaeli and (one part of) an interview with Richard Pursel to the interviews page. The second part of the Pursel interview will be added tomorrow morning. Expect even more after that. 👍

    • Like 1
  2. I've made the first update to the Interviews page in over a year, adding interviews with well-known crew members Dave Cunningham and Jay Lender as well as the lesser known Chris Rios. Expect more updates to the page coming sooner rather than later.

    • Like 1
  3. All of the flash games have now been tested, so there are now 120 games under the Working Games section of our games page.

    As a final treat, I've added a new game, SpongeBlocks, based on my favorite game from the arcade SBC had when it was powered by vBulletin. Like our other exclusive games, it should work on mobile, though I will warn you that the mobile version of the game doesn't have as much functionality and is therefore much harder than the desktop version.

    If you have any issues with that game or any of the games that are now listed as working, please let me know. I likely won't be making any more major changes to the page, as I want to focus on other parts of SBC I've neglected, including and especially the other SBC, SpongeBob Captures. As always, happy gaming.

    • God Himself 1
  4. JCM Says Goodbye

    (CNF walks into JCM's office.)

    JCM: (gasps) CNF? Is it really you?

    CNF: Yeah! I see you're the guidance counselor now. That's...an unexpected development.

    JCM: I just couldn't leave SBC, and while I really loved teaching, being a shrink has been great, too!

    CNF: I'm glad you're doing something you love. I just started a law firm, and well, it pays the bills, at least.

    JCM: So, why did you come back today?

    CNF: I heard that jjs is leaving, and I couldn't miss his going-away party!

    JCM: Going-away party? When's that?

    CNF: It's in two hours. You didn't see the post about it on Ex's IG?

    JCM: IG?

    CNF: Instagram.

    JCM: Oh, yeah! That thing our old science teacher's popular on!

    CNF: All the old-heads are going to be at the party. You should stop by!

    JCM: I wish I could, but if I don't finish this paperwork by the time classes end, jjs will take turns beating me up with OWM and sbl.

    CNF: How much of the paperwork have you finished?

    JCM: One paper!

    CNF: And how much do you have left?

    (JCM flips through the remaining papers on his desk.)

    JCM: About 300 or so.

    CNF: You just started?

    JCM: 20 hours ago, yeah! But thanks to my all-nighter, I was able to get this one paper done ahead of schedule, and I don't feel tired at a-

    (JCM's head drops onto his desk, and he starts snoring.)

    CNF: JCM?

    (CNF looks through the stack of papers and sighs. Later that day, JCM is woken up by the sound of the school bell ringing.)

    JCM: Oh, no! I slept through the rest of the school day, and my paperwork is...

    (JCM looks down at the paperwork to find that it's all done.)

    JCM: Did I...do this in my sleep?

    (jjs walks into the office.)

    jjs: Man, that party was awesome! I've never done that much coke in my life!

    (jjs notices JCM looking down at the paperwork with a confused expression.)

    jjs: Let me guess...you need more time to finish?

    JCM: No...it's finished.

    jjs: Wow! I'm impressed! Seb never finished the paperwork on time. That's the main reason it took a week longer for me to become the principal here than it was supposed to.

    (The ground starts to shake.)

    JCM: What the heck? We don't get earthquakes here!

    jjs: That's not an earthquake.

    (jjs grabs the paperwork, leaves the office, and then leaves the school. JCM follows him to find a large replica of the Millennium Falcon landing in the school's parking lot, crushing most of the cars under it. The students and teacher who are already outside marvel at the sight.)

    jjs: That's my ride!

    (The students and teachers wave at jjs as he walks towards the spaceship.)

    JCM: Wait!

    (jjs turns around, and JCM does the Vulcan salute.)

    JCM: Live long and prosper!

    jjs: That's Star Trek, you fucking idiot.

    (jjs gets into the spaceship, and it flies off.)

    JCM: Cha, why didn't you tell me that was from Star Trek and not Star Wars?

    Cha: I did tell you...twice.

    (JCM sighs and walks towards his scooter. CNF runs to him.)

    CNF: Hey, do you mind if I hop on? My car just got destroyed by jjs's farewell flight.

    JCM: Oh! O...of course!

    CNF: Besides, it's the least you could do after I did all of that paperwork for you.

    JCM: That was you? What about the party?

    CNF: (shrugs) There will be other parties.

    (JCM and CNF get onto JCM's scooter.)

    JCM: You didn't have to do that, you know.

    CNF: I'm a lawyer! Paperwork's nothing for me!

    (JCM and CNF look back at the school.)

    CNF: I miss it, too, you know.

    JCM: Miss what?

    CNF: The school. If only they didn't pay like shit, maybe I'd be teaching. Or guidance counseling. Or whatever.

    (The Grim Reaper approaches JCM and CNF.)

    JCM: Grim! Long time no see!

    Grim Reaper: Can I...hop on, too? I've been bored as fuck lately.

    JCM: Of course!

    (The Grim Reaper gets onto the scooter behind JCM and CNF, and they roll the scooter together.)

    JCM: JCM and CNF!

    Grim Reaper: And my unfitting bony ass!

    JCM: Together again! The possibilities for adventure are endless!

    CNF: I did hear Ex is planning an afterparty downtown. jjs is going to be sending a Force projection there, so he'll be able to join in on the fun!

    JCM: Thank goodness! Maybe I can get my goodbye right this time!

    CNF: Hey, even if you don't get it right, I'm sure he'll visit sometime...just like I'm doing right now!

    JCM: Yeah...hopefully.

    CNF: Let's be honest, SBC isn't that great of a school. I don't remember most of the things I learned from there, but one thing I learned that I'll keep with me forever is that even as we go our separate ways, and as people graduate, and retire, and find better opportunities, that doesn't mean they're completely gone from our lives. The school will always connect us, so when we tell each other goodbye, it's never really a goodbye.

    JCM: Nah, this time it's really goodbye.

    CNF: Well, fuck it. I tried.

    (The End)

    • God Himself 1
  5. JCM Tracks Down His Biggest Enemy

    (jjstheprincipal walks into JCM's office.)

    JCM: Hi, boss! How's it going?

    jjs: JCM, having you as a coworker has been a miserable experience, but I was willing to suck it up for a bit longer if I hadn't just gotten this job offer from The Force Academy.

    JCM: The Force Academy? Wow! What's that?

    jjs: Only the biggest Star Wars-themed school in the universe! Their principal just retired, and they want me to come and replace him! I'm getting a big pay raise for my trouble, too!

    JCM: Oh, my gosh! I'm so happy for you! How do you think you'll be able to be the principal there when you're already one here, though?

    jjs: I...won't. I'm quitting.

    JCM: (crying) No! Please don't leave us!

    jjs: You wanting me to stay doesn't make me even the smallest bit more likely to stay, JCM. I'm just here to tell you what you need to do since it's almost official.

    JCM: (stops crying) Am I going to be your replacement? What an honor!

    jjs: No! Fuck no! OWM's my replacement. You just need to do the paperwork to make the transfer of power official. I asked Seb if he could do it again for old time's sake, and he told me to suck his dick.

    JCM: What did he say about doing the paperwork, though?

    jjs: You're doing it. I'll have sbl leave the papers on your desk later. SBC is getting rid of drama class soon, and I told sbl he would be the new vice principal after I left to make up for it, meaning sbl has just as much of a reason to want this to happen as I do, meaning don't fuck this up.

    JCM: (salutes) Yes, sir!

    (jjs leaves the office, and HawkbitAlpha walks in moments later.)

    HawkbitAlpha: JCM, have you heard from my brother lately?

    JCM: Which one?

    HawkbitAlpha: The...only one who's a student here?

    JCM: Oh, he's still planning evil things with Team Rage 2, probably!

    HawkbitAlpha: Team Rage 2? The fuck is that?

    JCM: That's the name of Tucker's new evil squad with himself, your brother, and my twin brother MCJ!

    HawkbitAlpha: Kidnapping my brother's one thing, but appropriating my intellectual property is taking this one step too far!

    JCM: Yeah! I totally know what that means!

    HawkbitAlpha: I'm going to Tucker's house right now and kicking his ass!

    JCM: But...you don't know where he lives!

    HawkbitAlpha: I can smell a hawk for miles, JCM. I was giving Zeta his space, but it's time for me to end this once and for all.

    (HawkbitAlpha storms out of the office, and JCM follows him.)

    JCM: Hawk, don't do this! It's too dangerous!

    HawkbitAlpha: Fuck off!

    (JCM stops with a dejected look on his face as HawkbitAlpha leaves the school. As HawkbitAlpha gets onto a sidewalk, JCM hurriedly joins him.)

    JCM: You know, brothers are so overrated. Let's just forget about it and go back to the school.

    HawkbitAlpha: I said fuck off!

    (JCM stops again, runs into an ice cream shop, and hurries to join HawkbitAlpha again with two ice cream cones in his hands.)

    JCM: I've got ice cream...

    (HawkbitAlpha stops, grabs one of the ice cream cones from a relieved JCM, and sticks it on the top of JCM's head before walking down the sidewalk again.)

    JCM: ...with nuts.

    (JCM runs into a costume shop and catches up with HawkbitAlpha several minutes later wearing a bird mask.)

    JCM: This is HawkbitDaddy speaking, and I forbid you from going after that shapeshifter!

    HawkbitAlpha: You ain't my pa!

    (JCM removes the mask.)

    JCM: Hawk, please don't do this! I don't want Tucker to kill you!

    HawkbitAlpha: Then come with me and use your superpowers or whatever.

    JCM: I...can't. I don't want to risk hurting your brother or mine.

    HawkbitAlpha: If you say so.

    (JCM sighs before taking out his flip phone and dialing a number.)

    JCM: (on phone) Hey, shin, you know how we've been preparing for months to take on Team Rage 2?

    HawkbitAlpha: Don't call it that!

    JCM: (on phone) That was Hawk. He and I are about to go to Tucker's house and fight him...I know it's a bad idea. I told him that...okay, I'll text you the address...once I figure out how to text on this thing.

    (MCJ and HawkbitZeta are playing Eels and Escalators in Tucker's living room.)

    HawkbitZeta: (rolling dice) Escalators, escalators, escalators!

    MCJ: (checks dice) Eels.

    HawkbitZeta: Ah, fuck!

    (Tucker walks into the room.)

    Tucker: Why the fuck are you two playing games when you're supposed to be helping me figure out how to kill JCM?

    MCJ: He has anime superpowers. We can't do shite.

    HawkbitZeta: Yeah, we've been brainstorming for over half a year now, and we haven't thought of anything!

    Tucker: Well, until you do think of something...no games!

    HawkbitZeta: Fuck this!

    (HawkbitZeta grabs his backpack.)

    HawkbitZeta: I'm going back to the school!

    (Tucker pulls out a gun.)

    Tucker: Like hell you are!

    MCJ: Jesus Christ, Tucker. Why can't you just give up?

    Tucker: I lost everything because of that asshole! I lost the title of most powerful person in Circuit City! I lost my cushy job with Faux News! I hate that fucker JCM, and I won't rest until he's dead!

    HawkbitZeta: Tucker...you're the only fucker here. You're the fucker, Tucker. Holy shit, that's fun to say!

    (Tucker points his gun at HawkbitZeta.)

    Tucker: Put the backpack down, put away the game, and help me get my revenge. You owe it to me.

    HawkbitZeta: Please, Tucker.

    MCJ: Stop pointing that gun at the kid, Tucker!

    (Tucker swings to MCJ, his gun pointed straight at MCJ's head.)

    Tucker: Fuck you! You owe me just as much as he does! I got you out of prison!

    MCJ: I know that, and believe me, I want that wanker dead just as much as you do, but it ain't happening, so just put down the gun, play some Eels and Escalators with us, and move on.

    Tucker: Never.

    HawkbitZeta: Well, I'm moving on.

    (HawkbitZeta starts to leave with his backpack, and as Tucker turns to him again, MCJ jumps in front of his gun just as he pulls the trigger.)

    HawkbitZeta: Fuck!

    (MCJ looks down at the hole in his stomach.)

    MCJ: Oh, bollocks.

    (MCJ passes out, and HawkbitZeta runs to him.)

    HawkbitZeta: We have to get him to a hospital!

    Tucker: We aren't doing shit! When will you get it through your head? You're either with me or against me, and if you're against me, well...you see what happens. So, what is it?

    HawkbitZeta: (horrified) I...I guess I'm with you.

    (HawkbitZeta drops his backpack.)

    Tucker: (smiles) Good boy.

    (As JCM and HawkbitAlpha approach a house, they hear a gunshot.)

    HawkbitAlpha: What the fuck?

    JCM: Are you sure that's his house?

    HawkbitAlpha: Yeah.

    JCM: And you're sure you don't want to turn back?

    (HawkbitAlpha continues walking towards the house.)

    HawkbitAlpha: Yeah.

    (Once HawkbitAlpha reaches the house, he peeks into one of its windows, seeing HawkbitZeta crying over a bloody MCJ as Tucker points his gun at them.)

    HawkbitAlpha: You'll want to see this, JCM.

    (HawkbitAlpha steps aside, and JCM peeks into the same window.)

    JCM: (gasps) No!

    (JCM starts to back away before running into the window and crashing through it.)

    HawkbitAlpha: What the fuck?

    HawkbitZeta: What the fuck?

    (Tucker quickly shoots at JCM, but the bullet stops in midair as JCM raises an open palm.)

    JCM: It won't be that easy, Tucker.

    Tucker: Fuck it!

    (Tucker drops the gun and transforms into Elsa. JCM shoots a blast of energy at Elsa, and Elsa shoots a blast of cold energy back at him, managing to neutralize his attack.)

    Elsa: Fuck what people say! You aren't more powerful than me! Nobody's more powerful than me!

    (Elsa closes her eyes and clenches her fists, and as JCM prepares another attack, he realizes his hands are frozen.)

    JCM: No!

    Elsa: Yes! Turns out it will be that easy! All the time I spent thinking of how to kill you...

    (JCM tries to unfreeze his hands to no avail as Elsa approaches him.)

    Elsa: And now that I get to do it, I'm going to make it nice...and slow.

    (Keeping an eye on Elsa, HawkbitAlpha tiptoes to the gun she dropped and finds HawkbitZeta crouching over it already. HawkbitAlpha nods as his brother picks it up.)

    HawkbitZeta: Hey, Tucker?

    (Elsa turns around, and her eyes widen as HawkbitZeta raises the gun with both hands.)

    HawkbitZeta: Fuck you.

    (HawkbitZeta pulls the trigger, and Elsa falls to the ground with half her head blown off.)

    HawkbitAlpha: You okay, bro?

    HawkbitZeta: I think...I think I will be.

    (Everyone turns to MCJ.)

    JCM: Is he still alive?

    (JCM walks to his brother and shakes him gently, causing him to regain consciousness.)

    MCJ: Oh, bollocks...not you.

    JCM: Elsa's dead...and after we get you to a hospital, you're going right back to prison.

    MCJ: (shrugs) Fair enough.

    (shinya and Sauce Mama run into the house.)

    shinya: (panting) We got here as soon as we could!

    HawkbitZeta: She's already dead.

    shinya: Fuck!

    Sauce Mama: JCM, you aren't going to try and kill Hawk's brother again, are you?

    HawkbitAlpha: If he does, I'll kill him, anime superpowers or not.

    (HawkbitAlpha looks down at his brother.)

    HawkbitAlpha: Nobody murders you except me.

    HawkbitZeta: I'm sorry, by the way.

    HawkbitAlpha: I'm sorry, too. You're a kid. I have to let you make mistakes.

    JCM: And I'm sorry for not being a better shrink!

    MCJ: Can we all apologize to each other later? I'm losing a shite-ton of blood right now.

    shinya: Right! Of course! I'll drive you to the hospital!

    (JCM and shinya pick up MCJ and carry him to shinya's car.)

    JCM: So...you have an apology coming up later?

    MCJ: Fuck you! (quieter) Maybe.

    (As shinya and Sauce Mama drive off with MCJ, JCM watches with the Hawk brothers.)

    HawkbitAlpha: Hey, what was going on with you and jjs?

    JCM: Oh, shoot!

    (JCM runs into his office half an hour later, where sbl is waiting for him with a large stack of papers.)

    JCM: I can explain!

    sbl: You were busy helping Hawk rescue his brother from Tucker. I know.

    JCM: Huh? How?

    sbl: Hawk called me. Did you forget that cell phones have been a thing for the last 20 years?

    JCM: I guess I did. What's your number?

    sbl: Sorry, I don't have a cell phone.

    JCM: Oh.

    sbl: Now do the fucking paperwork.

    (The End)

    • God Himself 1
  6. JCM Fights a Marker Menace (Part 3)

    (JCM, Fred, Cha, Clappy, and Meko enter the Circuit City Golf Course and find SpongeSebastian there about to swing at a golf ball.)

    JCM: Seb! Hi! It's me! JCM!

    (Seb misses the ball he swings at out of surprise then turns to the visitors.)

    Seb: goddamn it fred. what did i tell you about bringing him here?

    JCM: What did Clappy do to you?

    Seb: i'm not talking about clappy.

    JCM: Meko?

    Seb: no. i'm talking about you. i don't want you here.

    JCM: B-but I'm carrying on your legacy! You're like a father to me!

    Seb: i'm literally younger than you.

    Fred: I'm really sorry, Seb, but we have a situation that only you can help us with. You know about that fellow MarkerBob?

    Seb: oh yeah, i think i saw him on the news. 

    Fred: Well, he's kidnapping people and trapping them in another world, and the only way to stop him is to get everybody in the city to stop believing in him!

    Seb: how do you expect me to help with that?

    Cha: You know how to use hypnosis, don't you?

    Seb: there's thousands of people in this city. i can't hypnotize them all at once.

    JCM: But what if you could?

    (Everyone stares at JCM.)

    Clappy: Were you...going to follow that up with something?

    JCM: Like what?

    Clappy: Like how he could hypnotize everyone in the city at once!

    JCM: (shrugs) But if he could, it would be really awesome, wouldn't it?

    Meko: I've got an idea! Let's just get a megaphone big enough for everyone in the city to hear what we're saying through it!

    Fred: Where are we supposed to find a megaphone that big?

    (Suddenly, a plane with a megaphone painted on its side crashes into the middle of the golf course.)

    Cha: Oh, my God! Is everybody in that plane okay?

    JCM: I'll check!

    (JCM runs into the crashed plane, carefully avoiding the flames around him, and runs out minutes later covered in ash and holding a giant megaphone.)

    JCM: Guess what I found!

    Meko: How convenient!

    Clappy: What about the pilot?

    JCM: Oh, he's super duper dead, so I'm sure he won't mind if we borrow this!

    Seb: all we need to do now is find a tall building to get on top of, and i should be able to hypnotize the city from there.

    (JCM, Fred, Cha, Clappy, Meko, and Seb walk into the CableCast building, the tallest building in the city, and approach the receptionist at the front desk.)

    Fred: We'd like to go to the roof for a few minutes.

    Receptionist: We don't just let anybody who asks to go to the roof take the elevator up there.

    JCM: What if we asked nicely?

    Receptionist: I would still tell you to fuck off.

    JCM: What if we asked meanly?

    Seb: fuck this.

    (Seb takes the giant megaphone from Meko and goes to the elevator with it.)

    Receptionist: Stop! I'll call security!

    (Seb disappears into the elevator as the receptionist picks up her phone.)

    Cha: We better hurry!

    (JCM, Fred, Cha, Clappy, and Meko enter the elevator once it opens again. They get off on the top floor then take the stairs to the roof, where Seb is standing with the megaphone.)

    Seb: you all are here just in time.

    (Seb puts the megaphone to his mouth as the others run to the edge of the roof to see what the people on the ground are doing.)

    Seb: i want you all to focus on something you believed in as a child, such as santa or the easter bunny or capitalism...

    Clappy: It isn't working!

    Seb: it must be my soft, soothing voice. i'll need somebody louder to do this.

    JCM: I'm loud!

    (Suddenly, security officers come up the stairs to the roof.)

    Seb: here. i'll take care of 12.

    (Seb gives JCM the megaphone and pulls handguns out of each pocket.)

    Officer 1: What the fuck?

    Officer 2: We aren't allowed to carry! Shit!

    (The officers run back down the stairs as Seb shoots at them.)

    Seb: hurry. the next guys they send here will probably be armed.

    Fred: We're all going to jail after this, aren't we?

    (JCM puts the megaphone to his mouth.)

    JCM: Citizens of Circuit City! My name is JCM, and I want you all to do something for me! I want you all to focus on something you believed in as a child, like Santa or the Easter Bunny or capitalism, and I want you to remind yourselves that all those things are fake, just like MarkerBob is fake! I want you all you remind yourselves that MarkerBob isn't real!

    (Fred, Cha, Clappy, and Meko see the people on the ground and all the cars on the street stopping.)

    Cha: It's working! Keep going!

    JCM: MarkerBob isn't real! MarkerBob isn't real! All my Circuit City homies, MarkerBob isn't real!

    (In the MarkerZone, MarkerBob and Marker Tommy Wiseau are in front of a wall.)

    MarkerBob: According to MarkerMaps, this should be where Tom Holland lives in the other world. Finally, my collection of famous actors named Tom will be complete!

    Marker Tommy Wiseau: What about Tom Kenny?

    MarkerBob: Tom who?

    Marker Tommy Wiseau: He plays SpongeBob in the other world.

    MarkerBob: SpongeBob doesn't just play himself in their world?

    Marker Tommy Wiseau: Nah, they stopped that after season 3.

    MarkerBob: (scratches chin) Interesting. Alright, we'll nab him after we get Holland!

    (MarkerBob draws a hole in the wall with a marker, but it doesn't do anything.)

    MarkerBob: What the fuck? Why isn't it working?

    Marker Tommy Wiseau: Did you try turning it off and turning it back on?

    MarkerBob: The only way we could have gotten trapped here is if everyone stopped believing in me...but how could that have happened when I've spent the last day terrorizing the city?

    Marker Tommy Wiseau: You know how this generation is with their short attention spans...don't worry...I will never stop believing in you.

    MarkerBob: Thanks, Marker Tommy Wiseau. I really needed that.

    Marker Tommy Wiseau: I am a beacon of light in a dark, dark world.

    MarkerBob: Nah, man! Now you're in my world!

    Marker Tommy Wiseau: (laughs) Now I am in your world.

    (In the non-marker world, JCM, Fred, Cha, Clappy, Meko, and Seb are walking back to the Circuit City Golf Course.)

    Fred: It was so cool of those security officers to let us off with a warning!

    Seb: you do realize i hypnotized them first, right?

    JCM: I'm so glad I know how to do that now! I feel like such a good shrink!

    Seb: i'll be honest, jcm, when i retired, you weren't my first choice to replace me...or my second choice...or my third choice...

    JCM: Well, I'll certainly take being your fourth ch-

    Seb: or my fourth choice...or my fifth choice...


    Seb: or my 267th choice...or my 268th choice...but as my 269th choice, you've done a pretty good job.

    JCM: Somehow, I'm not insulted!

    Seb: i think i have one more round in me. you all want to stick around?

    Clappy: Sure! I'm taking a hit to my attendance either way, so I might as well!

    Cha: (shrugs) I guess I'll do the same.

    Meko: Anything you want to say to me, Miss Cha?

    Cha: Oh, yeah! You have a week of detention for unleashing that thing none of us believe in anymore!

    Meko: What?

    Cha: Want to make it two weeks?

    Meko: (sighs) No.

    (Everybody except Meko laughs.)

    JCM: Power abuse is fun!

    (The End)

    • God Himself 2
  7. JCM Fights a Marker Menace (Part 2)

    (Meko walks into the school and sees a nickel stop at his feet. JCM gets to him moments later.)

    JCM: I finally got you!

    Meko: I'm sorry for cutting class, JCM, but...

    JCM: I'm not talking about you!

    (JCM grabs the nickel and puts it in his pocket.)

    JCM: Now, what were you saying?

    Meko: MarkerBob's real!

    JCM: Yeah, I know.

    Meko: Wait, what?

    JCM: Yeah, he came into the teacher's lounge and stole our whiteboard! Who does he think he is, walking into random places and acting like he owns everything there, Christopher Columbus?

    Meko: Did you just say that because it's Columbus Day?

    JCM: It's Columbus Day? Why are we in school, then?

    (Meko shrugs.)

    JCM: Anyway, I'm about to go back and beat MarkerBob up! You want to come with me?

    Meko: Sure!

    (JCM and Meko walk to the teacher's longue as Clappy walks out.)

    Clappy: JCM, why are you bringing a student into the teacher's longue?

    JCM: We're going to fight MarkerBob together!

    Clappy: (rolls eyes) Whatever.

    JCM: Hey, Clappy, did you know it's Columbus Day?

    Clappy: I'm the history teacher. What do you think?

    JCM: ...no?

    Clappy: I'm heading back to class. Don't let Meko drink any of the vodka.

    JCM: Can't promise that!

    (JCM and Meko walk into the teacher's lounge, where the whiteboard still has a glowing hole in it.)

    Meko: Are you sure this isn't some kind of trap?

    JCM: I am not! Let's go!

    (JCM jumps into the hole, and Meko goes in after him. They find themselves in the middle of a large, animated city street where everything around them has thick outlines. Cars swerve around them and honk. One of the drivers stretch a hand with a raised middle finger out his window.)

    Driver: Get out of the street, ya fuckin' idiots!

    Meko: Hey, I'm no idiot!

    JCM: I agree he's not an idiot!

    (JCM and Meko hurry to a sidewalk and notice Cha, Fred, and MarkerBob sitting on a bench a few blocks away from them.)

    Meko: There he is!

    JCM: Cha! Fred! Are you guys okay?

    Fred: Yeah. Nice of you to finally show up, though.

    JCM: It's no problem! Anything for my friends!

    Fred: I was being sar-nevermind.

    MarkerBob: It's an honor to finally meet you, JCM. I've heard so much about you!

    JCM: (blushes) Really?

    MarkerBob: And I see you brought a friend.

    Meko: Don't act like you don't know me! What's all this about a Marker Holocaust?

    MarkerBob: It's quite simple. This world we're in right now is the MarkerZone. It's very similar to your world, only with bigger outlines, and with way fewer people. I've been trying to grow the MarkerZone for decades, and now that I'm free again, I can. I've already taken dozens of people from your world, but I'll need help to truly make the MarkerZone prosper, and I want the four of you to give it to me.

    Fred: Why would we do that?

    MarkerBob: One of you helped me in the past, didn't you, Cha?

    (Fred, JCM, and Meko turn to Cha with shocked expressions.)

    Cha: (sighs) It's true. Ten years ago, I not only believed in MarkerBob, but I was obsessed with him. I thought he was the best version of SpongeBob to ever exist, and so, I used dark magic to bring him out of the MarkerZone. It was fun at first, but then I found out that he wanted to start stealing people from our world and bringing them here. I didn't want that, so eventually, I stopped believing in him, and I did everything I could to make sure nobody else would believe in him, either.

    MarkerBob: And yet you were unsuccessful. I've brought you and your colleagues here because despite everything, I am grateful to you for showing me your world, showing me all the possibilities. I'm granting you a second chance, and I want you to grant me a second chance, too.

    Cha: I'm not helping with your Marker Holocaust. JCM, do the thing.

    JCM: The thing? Oh, that thing!

    (JCM closes and opens his eyes again. He points an open palm at MarkerBob, but nothing comes out.)

    MarkerBob: Your powers won't work in the MarkerZone. You're on my turf now, JCM! Deal with it!

    Meko: Listen, MarkerBob, I like you, but it's clear they don't want to help you, and I don't want to help you, so can this just not happen?

    MarkerBob: It's already happening! I've already brought some of the best people to the MarkerZone! Tom Hanks! Tom Cruise! Tommy Wiseau!

    (MarkerBob points to Marker Tommy Wiseau approaching them on the sidewalk, talking on his cell phone.)

    Marker Tommy Wiseau: I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her!

    (Marker Tommy Wiseau throws his phone to the ground in frustration.)

    Marker Tommy Wiseau: I did not! Oh, hi, MarkerBob.

    MarkerBob: Hi, Tommy. So, now that you know we have all these great people, do you want to help me bring over some more?

    Fred: No.

    MarkerBob: Suit yourself. I'll return you to your own world, but if you interfere with my plans, I'll send you and everyone you love to the MarkerZone forever!

    (MarkerBob draws a hole in the sidewalk with a marker and pushes JCM, Fred, Cha, and Meko into it. They tumble out of the whiteboard in Clappy's room and watch MarkerBob smile as he erases the hole from the other side.)

    Clappy: Well, I've officially seen everything.

    JCM: If MarkerBob's immune to my powers, how do we stop him?

    Fred: JCM, you remember the story Peter Pan?

    JCM: Nope!

    Fred: Well, in the story, Tinker Bell's about to die because nobody believes in fairies anymore, and the children are able to save her by getting everyone to believe in fairies again. So, we should try the reverse with MarkerBob! Get everyone to stop believing in him, and he'll have no way into our world anymore!

    JCM: How are we supposed to do that?

    Clappy: I guess since I'm apparently a part of this now, how about mass hypnosis?

    JCM: But I was never good at hypnosis! I wanted Seb to teach me, but he hasn't been answering my calls.

    Cha: We'll have to find some way to get to Seb, because if we don't, MarkerBob will keep stealing people, and we'll be helpless to stop him.

    Fred: Seb? He's probably at the Circuit City Golf Course like he is every Monday.

    JCM: How do you know that?

    Fred: We've been tight for years!

    Cha: Looks like we're going golfing, then!

    Clappy: Great! I'm coming, too!

    Meko: Don't you guys have, like, classes to teach? Or mental health crises to avert?

    (The adults leave the room.)

    Meko: I guess not, then.

    (To Be Continued)

    • Like 1
  8. I'm back with the first major update to the Games page in six months! Due to an update to the emulator for the Flash games, most of them should be playable now. The games that have been tested and are guaranteed to work are under the Working Games section of the page now. 40 games have been tested so far, including all of the Halloween-themed games, which are colored in orange. I'll try to get the rest of them tested over the weekend, but you're free to play as many as you want, of course, and if you do notice any under Working Games that don't actually work, please message me here or on Discord and I'll try to address it as soon as possible.

    • Like 1
  9. JCM Fights a Marker Menace (Part 1)

    (Cha is in her classroom teaching a large group of students including Meko.)

    Cha: Today, we're going to learn about the evolution of SpongeBob's art style.

    (Cha presses a button on a remote, and a picture of SpongeBob's season 1 design appears on the monitor behind her.)

    Cha: This is what SpongeBob looked like in season 1.

    (Cha presses the button again, and the picture changes to a picture of SpongeBob's season 13 design.)

    Cha: And this is what SpongeBob looks like now.

    (Cha presses the button again, and many different iterations of SpongeBob appear on the monitor now.)

    Cha: This is every SpongeBob design we've seen so far. Make sure you take a picture of this, because it will be on the quiz.

    (Every student except Meko takes out a phone to take a photo of what's on the monitor while Meko raises his hand.)

    Cha: Yes, Meko?

    Meko: Where's MarkerBob?

    Cha: (rolls eyes) There's no such thing as MarkerBob.

    Meko: But there's mountains of evidence of MarkerBob's existence!

    Cha: Who's the art teacher here?

    Meko: I know he's real! I've seen him!

    Cha: If you can find a single shot of MarkerBob in a single SpongeBob episode, I'll acknowledge that you're right, but otherwise, these are the designs we're sticking with.

    Meko: I accept your challenge!

    (Meko runs out of the classroom.)

    Cha: Wait! There's still an hour and a half left in this class! (sighs) Whatever.

    (Meko spends the rest of the day in the school library watching every episode of SpongeBob seasons 2 and 3. As he starts Pranks a Lot, he drops his head on the computer desk, clearly tired.)

    Meko: Damn it. I haven't seen any MarkerBob. This doesn't make any sense!

    (The next morning, Meko goes into JCM's office.)

    Meko: JCM, I have a problem.

    JCM: And I have a solution!

    Meko: You know about MarkerBob, right?

    JCM: I do not!

    Meko: It's a SpongeBob design where SpongeBob has really thick lines that was supposedly used in certain episodes of SpongeBob seasons 2 and 3, but I went through every episode of both seasons, and I didn't see MarkerBob in any of them! Was it all a lie?

    JCM: Yeah, probably.

    Meko: Does that mean I'm crazy for believing in him?

    JCM: As a shrink, I'm not supposed to use the word "crazy", so instead I'll say you're doozy, not right in the brain, a nut.

    Meko: What the fuck? How is saying any of that better than saying "crazy"?

    JCM: But I didn't say "crazy", did I? JCM 1, political incorrectness 0!

    Meko: (sarcastic) Thanks for the help.

    (Meko leaves the office.)

    JCM: You're welcome! Make sure to leave me 5 stars on Google Reviews! I could use it!

    (As Meko walks to his locker, he finds a giant pickle with a face leaning beside it.)

    Pickle man: I heard you're looking for MarkerBob.

    Meko: I was, but sadly, he isn't real.

    Pickle man: What if I told you...he was?

    (The pickle man coughs out a piece of paper with an address on it.)

    Pickle man: Go there if you want to learn more.

    Meko: Did you...shove that down your throat?

    Pickle man: Well, I don't wear clothes, so it's not like I had many other places to put it!

    Meko: I'm not touching that! It has saliva all over it!

    Pickle man: That's not saliva. It's vinegar. Maybe a bit of LSD, too, but I need something to keep me going.

    Meko: Fine.

    (Meko takes the piece of paper from the pickle man and reads the address on it.)

    Meko: I know where that is! I can get there on my bike!

    (Meko makes sure nobody is watching before he leaves the school and gets on his bike. He reaches an abandoned Toys R Us and walks inside. He notices all of the shelves are empty except for one, which has a yellow SpongeBob-themed tablet on it. Meko presses a button on the tablet, and Bubble Buddy starts playing on its screen.)

    Meko: There it is! That's MarkerBob! Why didn't the version of this at the school have him?

    (Suddenly, the screen goes dark.)

    Meko: Of course it dies now!

    (Meko hears a familiar laugh behind him. He turns around and sees MarkerBob in the flesh staring back at him.)

    Meko: What the fuck?

    MarkerBob: You're the first person in five years to release me from this prison! Thank you for believing in me.

    Meko: Is this the LSD?

    MarkerBob: You must have met my pickle friend. Unfortunately, that awful thing had to be held by a human to free me, but here you are, and here I am!

    Meko: So...what are you going to do now?

    MarkerBob: I'm going to unleash the Marker Holocaust! Bye!

    (MarkerBob skips out of the Toys R Us.)

    Meko: Well, that doesn't sound good!

    (In the SpongeBob Community School, Cha walks into the teacher's lounge, where Fred and JCM are watching a video on Fred's phone.)

    Fred: Cha, have you seen this?

    (Fred shows Cha the video, which has footage of MarkerBob stabbing random people with a marker who then vanish.)

    Cha: No! This can't be possible!

    JCM: I guess Meko was right all along. We owe him an apology.

    Cha: We need to kill MarkerBob first.

    JCM: That will be easy! I have superpowers, you know!

    (Suddenly, the door to the teacher's lounge opens and MarkerBob walks in.)

    JCM: Sorry! Faculty only!

    MarkerBob: I just wanted to borrow your whiteboard, since you do have the biggest whiteboard in all of Circuit City in this room.

    Fred: The better to count down the days until we no longer have to watch other people's kids!

    (Fred uses a dry erase marker to draw a line on a whiteboard next to 13 other lines.)

    Fred: (tearing up) Just 166 more days.

    MarkerBob: I'll borrow that, too!

    (MarkerBob snatches the marker from Fred's hand and uses it to draw a circle on the whiteboard which then starts to glow.)

    MarkerBob: You ever watch that show ChalkZone?

    JCM: Ooh, I loved ChalkZone.

    MarkerBob: Well, let me introduce the three of you to...the MarkerZone.

    (MarkerBob jumps into the circle and disappears.)

    Fred: We aren't going in after him, are we?

    Cha: No, of course not.

    (MarkerBob pokes his head out of the circle.)

    MarkerBob: If you three don't come and visit, I'll send you there permanently the same way I did that to all of those other people. You decide.

    (MarkerBob disappears again.)

    Fred: (sighs) I guess we have no choice, then.

    JCM: Don't worry, guys! I'll be right behind you! Hey look, a nickel!

    (JCM runs out of the teacher's lounge to chase a nickel rolling down the hallway.)

    Fred: This is going to be a disaster, won't it?

    Cha: Yeah, probably.

    (Fred and Cha climb into the circle as JCM runs after the nickel, which is getting kicked down the hallway by busy students.)

    JCM: I'll have you one of these days, Thomas Jefferson! Just you wait!

    (To Be Continued)

    • Funny 1
    • God Himself 1
  10. JCM Shatters the Fourth Wall

    Stewie Griffin: (voiceover) Previously on JCMovies...

    (In 2012, JCM and ClassicNickelodeonFan1 are in front of the doors of the SpongeBob Community School with CNF's little brother, ModernNickelodeonFan1, and Arnold from the Nickelodeon television series Hey Arnold!)

    MNF1: Hey, who's that guy? (points to Arnold) He looks kind of like Stewie Griffin.

    Arnold: Are you fucking kidding me? I came before Stewie Griffin! Before!

    CNF1: I'll walk you home later. Now shoo, shoo!

    Arnold: Stewie Griffin! Un-fucking-believable! I don't even know why I still bother!

    Stewie Griffin: (voiceover) Did somebody call for me?

    Arnold: (looks up at the unseen voice) What the fuck?

    (In the present day, Wumbo is speeding down the highway in his car with OWM in the passenger seat and JCM in the back.)

    JCM: Why are you going so fast?

    Wumbo: Because it's the only way for us to get out of here! Don't worry, JCM. By the end of today, we'll either be back where we came from, or we'll be dead.

    JCM: Are those our only options?

    OWM: I like this guy! I can see why he got deported, but I like him, anyway!

    Wumbo: I see the barrier up ahead! We're about to go through the first wall!

    JCM: Wall? What are you talking ab-

    (Suddenly, everything around JCM freezes and stretches for a moment before returning to normal.)

    JCM: Am I the only one who saw that?

    Wumbo: Nope! We're officially out of the Family Guy cutaway gag reality! Based on my estimations, we'll have to break through three more barriers before we can return to our reality.

    OWM: Does it have to be at 90 miles an hour?

    Wumbo: If we're too slow hitting the barrier, it'll stop us, and then we're guaranteed to die, and in a very painful fashion, I might add!

    OWM: Well, you've convinced me.

    Wumbo: The next barrier is coming! Brace yourselves!

    (Everything around JCM freezes again and stretches even more. When everything returns to normal again, JCM vomits.)

    JCM: I can't handle doing this two more times, Wumbo!

    Wumbo: We're so close to home plate, JCM! We've just gotta pass two more bases!

    JCM: (crying) You know I don't know anything about hockey!

    Wumbo: But it's...nevermind. We're getting near the third wall! Brace yourselves again!

    JCM: No! Please! Don't!

    (As everything freezes and stretches more than the last time, JCM closes and opens his eyes.)

    JCM: That last barrier is too strong! If we try to go through it, we'll die!

    Wumbo: How do you know that?

    JCM: (hesitates) Because...because I created it!

    (Wumbo's eyes widen with surprise, and as they approach the final barrier, he thinks about what JCM said. He sighs, slows his car down, and pulls it off the highway.)

    Wumbo: Why the fuck did you trap us in a Family Guy cutaway gag?

    JCM: I was scared. I was becoming something I didn't want to be. I...I nearly killed a child, one of the children I devoted my life to helping.

    (JCM leaves the car, and Wumbo and OWM follow him out of it. He watches several cars drive into the barrier and explode, disintegrating the cars and the people inside them.)

    JCM: This...was the only way I could think of to protect the people I love without becoming a monster.

    OWM: JCM...you've probably killed hundreds of people already with those walls. If this is your idea of protecting people, you're an even bigger idiot than I thought.

    JCM: (sighs) You're right. Trapping us in that reality, putting up those walls, partnering with Vlady Putin of all people just to keep my secret safe...that wasn't the way. Your car might not be strong enough to destroy that last wall, but I am!

    (JCM runs into the highway and punches the front of every car driving towards the barrier, stopping them.)

    Driver: Fuck you, man! You better pay for that shit!

    JCM: Sorry, can't hear you!

    (JCM points an open palm at the barrier and shoots a blast of energy at it, causing it to shatter. Everything around JCM freezes and stretches for minutes. Once everything returns to normal, JCM closes and opens his eyes again. He then returns to Wumbo and OWM on the side of the highway.)

    JCM: I really am sorry.

    Wumbo: It's okay, JCM. I'm not mad.

    JCM: Really?

    Wumbo: Fuck no, not really! I can't believe that I, Wumbology, one of the smartest people on the planet, got tricked by you!

    OWM: Humble, aren't we?

    (Wumbo, OWM, and JCM get back into Wumbo's car.)

    OWM: I'm actually not mad at you, JCM. It's not every day you get to experience life in a Family Guy cutaway.

    (Wumbo drives around the stopped cars as he heads back to the school.)

    JCM: Whatever Tucker has in store for me after today, I'll be ready, and I'll make sure to never lose sight of who I am again!

    Wumbo: Who are you talking to?

    JCM: I...thought I was doing one of those anime voiceover thingies.

    Stewie Griffin: (voiceover) Like this?

    OWM: (looks around) Whoa, what the fuck?

    Wumbo: (speeds up again) Nah, fuck this, man!

    (The End)

    • Wow 1
  11. JCM Becomes a Family Guy

    (Peter and Lois Griffin are playing the piano in their living room.)

    Lois: (singing) It seems today that all you see is smart, provoking humor in shows like Barry!

    Peter: (singing) But where are those good old fashioned gimmicks...

    (The rest of the family slides into the scene.)

    Griffins: (singing) On which we used to rely?

    (The Griffins are now dressed elaborately and dancing on a stage.)

    Griffins: (singing) Lucky there's a Family Guy! Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that that make Clapmaster cry!

    (Clappy is watching an episode of Family Guy where a cross-dressing Vladimir Putin is giving Peter a lap dance.)

    Clappy: (crying) Why do I continue to watch this shit?

    (Cut back to the stage.)

    Griffins: (singing) He's...a...Family...Guy!

    (Zoom out to reveal the Family Guy logo as the music ends. After a few seconds, cut to an establishing shot of the Griffin household before cutting to Peter and Lois on the living room couch watching television.)

    Peter: Hey Lois, remember the time we appeared in JCMovies?

    Lois: The fuck is a JCMovies?

    (Cut to JCM in his office at the SpongeBob Community School. Wumbo runs in.)

    Wumbo: JCM, something terrible has happened!

    JCM: What?

    Wumbo: We're in a Family Guy cutaway gag!

    JCM: Really? How do you know?

    Wumbo: I have an app on my phone that tells me when we've entered a new reality...

    (Wumbo takes out his phone and shows JCM what's on it.)

    Wumbo: ...and we're definitely in the "entire world is a throwaway joke on Family Guy" reality.

    JCM: How do we get out of it?

    Wumbo: We need to find who sent us here in the first place, and since you're usually responsible for the crazy shit that happens at the school, I'm going to you first.

    JCM: I swear! I have nothing to do with it!

    Wumbo: Maybe not intentionally. Have you opened any weird emails this morning?

    JCM: I open every weird email I get!

    Wumbo: What the fuck? Have you ever heard of a spam filter?

    JCM: I'm 127! I don't understand technology, Wumbo!

    Wumbo: (sighs) Fine. Let's just look through your email and find out which one sent us here.

    (JCM and Wumbo walk to the computer lab, where they find the cross-dressing Vladimir Putin from earlier at one of the computers.)

    Wumbo: Can I help you?

    Putin: Oh! I was just...looking at porn! Yeah!

    JCM: Hey! He has my AOL page open!

    (Putin runs out of the computer lab, and JCM and Wumbo run to his computer.)

    JCM: He deleted all my emails!

    Wumbo: He definitely has something to do with us winding up here! We have to follow him!

    (Putin runs out of the school and finds OWM getting into a school bus. JCM and Wumbo run out next to find Putin jumping onto the back of the school bus as it drives off.)

    JCM: What do we do now?

    Wumbo: Let's get into my car! Fast!

    (Putin climbs onto the top of the school bus as it drives down the street. He crawls to the front of the bus then hangs over it, surprising OWM as he kicks in the driver's window.)

    OWM: What the fuck?

    Putin: Give me that wheel!

    (Putin tries to pull OWM off the wheel, causing the bus to swerve.)

    OWM: Knock it off! There's a kid back there!

    (OWM points to imindanger, who is sitting at the back of the bus.)

    Imindanger: (chuckles) I'm in mortal peril!

    (Putin pulls the wheel so hard to the right that the bus topples over, causing imindanger to fly out the window. OWM and Putin fight as JCM and Wumbo speed down the street towards them. JCM leans out his door to catch imindanger and pull him into the car with them.)

    Imindanger: Hooray! I'm not dead!

    Wumbo: There's Vlady Putin!

    JCM: Vlady Putin? Did you just come up with that?

    Wumbo: Yeah, I thought it was clever. Come on!

    (Just as Putin overpowers OWM, he's grabbed by JCM and Wumbo.)

    Wumbo: It's time for you to start talking.

    JCM: Yeah! Why are you in drag?

    Putin: It's a military strategy.

    (Putin pulls one of his arms away from Wumbo then puts a hand on his chest.)

    Putin: I'll suck your dick if you give me weapons to commit war crimes in Ukraine with.

    Wumbo: (sweating) Holy shit, that's convincing.

    JCM: Next question: why did you delete all of my emails?

    Putin: I couldn't let you find out who sent you the email that trapped you and everybody else in Circuit City in a Family Guy cutaway gag.

    OWM: Wait, we're in a Family Guy cutaway gag?

    Wumbo: (rolls eyes) Americans. Am I right, imindanger?

    Imindanger: I think there's a piece of glass lodged in my skull. Is there a hospital nearby?

    JCM: Last question, Vlady...

    Putin: Ooh, that's clever.

    Wumbo: Thanks. I came up with it.

    JCM: ...who was it that sent me the email?

    Putin: I'll tell you...but first, I need to take my pills. I'm an old man, and I'm on a schedule.

    JCM: (nods) I understand.

    (Wumbo takes a bottle of water out of his car and gives it to Putin, who swallows two pills and then drinks from the water bottle.)

    Putin: (licks lips) Thank you.

    (Putin foams at the mouth and collapses.)

    Wumbo: Those were cyanide pills, weren't they?

    OWM: Yup. I could have warned you, but my stupid American brain assumed you wouldn't listen. 

    Wumbo: And you assumed right! Come on! I have another idea for getting back to our reality!

    (Wumbo heads back to his car with JCM and OWM right behind him.)

    Imindanger: So...I guess the hospital isn't going to happen, then?

    (To Be Continued)

    • Wow 1
  12. JCM Meets the Second Coming of Team Rage (Part 2)

    (JCM is in shinya’s Korean restaurant, where Elsa is holding a gun to Sauce Mama’s head, and MCJ is holding a gun to shinya’s head.)

    JCM: MCJ? How did you get out of prison?

    MCJ: I got off early for good behavior. Just kidding! I shanked like 40 blokes! It was not good behavior.

    Elsa: Me and my apprentice helped him get out of that prison.

    JCM: Your apprentice? Is that the one who took my eye?

    (HawkbitZeta comes out of the kitchen holding JCM’s eye.)

    HawkbitZeta: Ding, ding, ding! Tell the audience what he’s won!

    (JCM lunges at HawkbitZeta, causing him to flinch.)

    Elsa: Stop! Take another step, and both of your friends die.

    (JCM stops.)

    MCJ: I wish I could feel bad for you, brother, but because of you, I lost my fucking arm!

    JCM: I’m sorry, okay? But those two have nothing to do with it.

    Elsa: So cooperate with us and we won’t have to hurt them.

    Sauce: Don’t listen to them, JCM!

    Shinya: I can’t believe I trusted you, Elsa!

    Elsa: I can’t believe you trusted me, either.

    JCM: What is it you want?

    Elsa: I spent many years studying those powers of yours, which led to me correctly guessing that removing your right eye would cut you off from them. Your powers would be even more valuable on our side, however, so if you agree to join us, we’ll give you back your eye and return your powers to you.

    JCM: Agree to join what?

    Elsa: Our awesome new group: Team Rage...2!

    Shinya: (rolls eyes) How original.

    (MCJ turns his gun sideways.)

    MCJ: You wanna get capped, bitch?

    JCM: What will happen to my friends if I join you?

    Elsa: We’ll have to hold them hostage so we have leverage over you, but as long as you do what we say, we’ll keep your friends safe.

    Sauce: She’s lying! Don’t fall for it!

    (Elsa hits Sauce on the back of the head with her gun, knocking her out.)

    JCM: No!

    Shinya: Fuck!

    Elsa: I’m tired of fucking around! You have ten seconds to decide what you’ll do, JCM! If you don’t join us after that, we’ll kill your friends right here and you with them! Ten seconds! 10…9…8…

    (As Elsa continues counting down, JCM clenches his fists. He rips off his eyepatch, closes his eyes, then opens them again, revealing a new eye in the place of the missing one.)

    Elsa: 3…2… (notices JCM’s new eye) Wha-

    (Elsa’s and MCJ’s guns fly out of their hands, and they run towards the front door as JCM shoots blasts of energy at them. HawkbitZeta runs after them, but JCM blocks his way to the exit as Elsa and MCJ successfully escape.)

    JCM: I was your guidance counselor! I thought I fixed you!

    HawkbitZeta: You didn’t fix shit!

    (Elsa shoots ice at JCM from behind, but he melts it in midair without turning around.)

    Elsa: Let him out, JCM!

    JCM: No, Elsa! You attacked the school, put my friends in danger, and had your lackey steal my frickin’ eye!

    (JCM points an open palm at HawkbitZeta, who closes his eyes as JCM’s palm lights up.)

    JCM: Now...I’ll steal something from you.

    (Shinya leaps in front of HawkbitZeta.)

    Shinya: Don’t do this, JCM. He’s just a kid.

    JCM: Get out of the way, shin!

    Shinya: No! This isn’t how we’re going to beat them!

    JCM: You don’t think I’ll do it? You don’t think I’ll blow through both of you?

    Shinya: JCM...listen to yourself.

    (Sauce Mama regains consciousness and gasps when she sees what’s going on.)

    Sauce: JCM!

    (Sauce runs to JCM, who is now crying, and gently pushes down his arm.)

    JCM: They were going to kill you...they were going to kill both of you...and I was helpless.

    Sauce: Well, you aren’t helpless now.

    Shinya: Get the fuck out of here, kid.

    (HawkbitZeta stumbles out of the restaurant and follows Elsa and MCJ into Elsa’s candy van.)

    Elsa: I didn’t realize just how anime JCM’s anime superpowers were. This will be harder than I thought.

    (The van drives off as JCM, Shinya, and Sauce Mama watch it.)

    JCM: Why did they paint “candy” on that van?

    Sauce: And shouldn’t we, like, call the cops or something?

    Shinya: It’s been a long day. We should all head home.

    JCM: What are you talking about? It’s 11 in the morning.

    Sauce: I’m going to assume that's a “no” to calling the cops?

    Shinya: I’m selling much harder drugs than weed out of this restaurant, Sauce! No, no cops!

    JCM: So, what do we do from here?

    Shinya: We get ready. All three of us. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Team Rage 2, which is still a fucking horrible name.

    JCM: (nods) I’m going back to the school to actually do my job for the first time in days! If anything happens, call me on my flip phone!

    Sauce: Flip phone? You still haven’t upgraded?

    JCM: Never, Sauce. Never.

    (JCM walks away, and as Sauce and Shinya are about to go inside again, a man stops them.)

    Man: Hey, are you guys open?

    Shinya: Do you see the “Closed” sign in the window? What the fuck do you think?

    Man: Alright, alright! (walks away) Asshole.

    (The End)

    • Like 1
  13. JCM Meets the Second Coming of Team Rage (Part 1)

    (JCM walks into Wumbology’s science class wearing an eyepatch.)

    Wumbology: JCM! I’m loving the pirate getup.

    JCM: Wumbo? You’re the science teacher again?

    Wumbology: Well, yeah. After SG got outed as Selena Gomez and the one they hired after her died in our war against the ice zombies…

    JCM: RIP.

    Wumbology: RIP. You know, I never got his name…

    JCM: Doesn’t matter now. Anyway, I want to know if it’s possible to use science to grow an eye back…and maybe get me back some lost anime superpowers.

    Wumbology: I don’t think it’s science that you’re looking for, JCM: it’s magic.

    JCM: Is there anybody around here who knows magic?

    Wumbology: Technically, I shouldn’t believe in magic, but there is an old lady in the woods who is said to be capable of…strange things.

    JCM: Strange things?

    Wumbology: Indeed. But you didn’t hear it from me. Now shoo! I have a class to teach!

    (That night, JCM walks into the woods, braving cold air and strange animal noises everywhere. Suddenly, his foot gets pulled by a rope, and he finds himself hanging upside down from a tree branch. An old woman jumps out of a nearby bush.)

    Woman: Aha! A fresh kill!

    JCM: Wait! I’m not an animal!

    Woman: Aww.

    (The woman cuts JCM down.)

    Woman: Wait a minute. I know you.

    (The wrinkles disappear from the woman’s face and the bags vanish from her eyes to reveal who she really is.)

    JCM: (gasps) Fa?

    Fa: It’s been a long time, JCM.

    JCM: Where have you been these last ten years?

    Fa: Bought a spellbook on Amazon, left civilization to embrace life as a witch, you know, the usual.

    JCM: I’m happy you’re not dead!

    Fa: Thanks! I’m happy I’m not dead, too!

    (JCM and Fa walk into Fa’s cabin.)

    Fa: So, what are you craving? Squirrel? Deer? Berries? Bark?

    JCM: I’m good.

    Fa: What happened to your eye?

    JCM: A bird stole it from me!

    Fa: Damn. Sorry to hear that.

    JCM: Do you think you could use magic from that spellbook of yours to grow it back?

    Fa: Magic isn’t just a toy that you can play with whenever you suffer a devastating mutilation, JCM. 

    JCM: It’s not?

    Fa: No. It can be very dangerous. I could grow you a new eye, but that eye could turn the rest of you evil! You’re better off just living with one eye for the rest of your life.

    JCM: No! I didn’t come all the way down here just to get turned away! You will make me a new eye!

    (Fa grows to twice her height, and fire appears around her.)

    Fa: (echoing) Or what?

    (JCM sweats then raises an open palm before closing and opening his eye.)

    JCM: Darn it! I forgot! My chiwa doesn’t work anymore.

    Fa: Wait, your chiwa doesn’t work anymore?

    (Fa returns to her normal height.)

    Fa: Your chiwa is our last line of defense against supernatural threats! Without it, we’re royally fucked!

    JCM: So, you’ll help me?

    Fa: Yes, JCM. I’ll help you.

    (Fa pours various potions into a bowl before stirring them together.)

    JCM: Oh, do I drink from that?

    Fa: Something like that.

    (Fa slams JCM’s face into the bowl, and he screams.)

    JCM: It burns!

    Fa: That means it’s working!

    (Fa picks up JCM’s face, which is now red and scarred.)

    Fa: You’re probably gonna need a cream for that.

    JCM: Do you have that cream?

    Fa: (laughs) I’m a witch, not a pharmacist!

    (Fa stares into the bowl and scratches her chin.)

    Fa: This locator spell says your eye is at Shinya’s restaurant.

    JCM: What? How?

    Fa: Not sure, but you’re probably going to want to head over there to get your eye. Somehow, that eye is connected to your powers, so making you a new one would do you no good.

    JCM: (nods) Thanks, Fa.

    (Before JCM leaves the cabin, he turns around.)

    JCM: How do I look?

    Fa: You look like shit.

    JCM: That will have to do!

    (JCM runs to shinya’s Korean restaurant, and when he gets there, he finds Elsa holding a gun to Sauce Mama’s head and his twin brother, MCJ, holding a gun to shinya’s head.)

    JCM: W-what’s going on?

    Sauce: (crying) Get the fuck out, JCM! It’s a trap!

    MCJ: Miss me, bro?

    (To Be Continued)

    • Wow 2
  14. JCM Plays the Game of Thrones

    (JCM walks into the school on a Friday. He sees the words “Winter Is Coming” written across the lockers.)

    JCM: That’s weird. Spring just started!

    (Jjs approaches JCM.)

    Jjs: JCM, I wanted to give the good news to you first: you’re a finalist for the Featured Employee award!

    JCM: Ooh, do I get a bonus for winning it?

    Jjs: (laughs) No, of course not. But you do get to wear this all next week if you win it.

    (Jjs holds up a fake Burger King crown.)

    JCM: Oh, my gosh! That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! Can I touch it?

    Jjs: Fuck no! Just keep up the good work, and you might see it again.

    (Jjs goes into his office.)

    JCM: I have to win that crown!

    (JCM stands outside the teacher’s lounge and hands out flyers as people walk in.)

    JCM: Hi! (passes flyer) Vote me for Featured Employee! (passes flyer) Vote me for Featured Employee!

    (JCM gives the last flyer to Fred, who studies it.)

    Fred: You do realize I’m a finalist for Featured Employee, too, right?

    JCM: That’s great! Just know that no matter who ends up winning the crown, we’re all winners in the end! But not really. Because only one will get the crown.

    (Fred nods before going into the teacher’s lounge and climbing onto the table.)

    Fred: Hey! After school is over, drinks are on me!

    (The teachers in the room cheer.)

    JCM: Oh, yeah? Well, drinks are doubly on me! Free drinks for a week if you vote for me!

    (The teachers in the room cheer louder.  Fred climbs off the desk and gets so close to JCM that their faces are only inches apart.)

    Fred: When you play the game of thrones, JCM, you either win…or you die.

    JCM: Wow! That’s pretty dark!

    Fred: Yeah, I may have gone too far, but that crown is mine!

    (JCM notices OMJ cleaning the graffiti off the lockers.)

    JCM: Hey, OMJ, can I help you with that?

    OMJ: Sure!

    Fred: I’ll help, too!

    (JCM and Fred fight over the mop, and OMJ backs away from them.)

    OMJ: This is getting weird!

    (Later that day, Katniss is preparing lunch in the cafeteria when JCM runs up to her.)

    JCM: Hey, Kat, can I help you make the food? I have restaurant experience! I’m good for it!

    Katniss: Fuck off! Don’t you have your own job to do?

    JCM: It’s no trouble! I swear!

    Katniss: Even if I wanted your help, Fred’s already helping me!

    (Fred, who was crouching to pick up food he dropped, stands up again, revealing himself to JCM as he throws the food away.)

    Fred: Hey, JCM! What are you hungry for today?

    JCM: I…I can’t believe you would do this to me!

    Fred: What do you mean? I haven’t even poisoned you yet!

    (Katniss glares at Fred.)

    Fred: Just kidding!

    (Suddenly, a man stumbles into the cafeteria with an ice pick through his chest.)

    Student: Gross, man! People are trying to eat!

    Man: An army of the dead…it’s coming…for the school.

    (The man collapses.)

    JCM: Don’t worry! I’ll get the nurse! She’ll definitely vote for me if I help her save a dying man!

    (As JCM starts to run out of the cafeteria, the man grabs his leg and starts to bite at it.)

    JCM: Hey! Let go of me!

    Student: Oh, my God! It’s a dead man with a biting fetish!

    (All of the students storm out of the cafeteria, separating the man from JCM as they trample him.)

    JCM: Wait! No! If he gets deader, I won’t be able to save him.

    (Jjs runs up to JCM.)

    Jjs: Don’t you see? That’s a zombie! We have to get school security!

    JCM: Yay! More people who can vote for me!

    (Jjs and JCM run out of the school to find all of their security guards lying on the ground in front of them with ice picks in their chests.)

    Jjs: No! Who will we have to apply unnecessary force to rowdy students now?

    JCM: (points) Look, jjs!

    (Hundreds of zombies, led by Elsa, march towards the school.)

    JCM: I’ll use my anime superpowers to take care of this in a jiff!

    (JCM closes and opens his eyes, and then he flies towards Elsa and the zombies. Suddenly, he’s attacked by a hawk.)

    JCM: Ouch! Stop!

    (The hawk plucks out one of JCM’s eyes, and he falls to the ground.)

    JCM: No! That was my favorite eye!

    (OMJ runs out of the school next.)

    OMJ: I’ll take care of this! I’m a goddamn her-

    (An ice pick flies into OMJ’s chest.)

    OMJ: Nevermind.

    (OMJ dies, and jjs runs back into the school.)

    Jjs: Fuck!

    (Fred and Katniss come out of the cafeteria.)

    Jjs: It’s over. We’re all going to get eaten by zombies.

    Katniss: No.

    (Katniss kicks one of the lockers, and it opens to reveal a bow and arrow inside.)

    Katniss: We’re going to fight!

    (JCM crawls into the school with blood dripping out of his empty eye socket.)

    JCM: No wonder Plankton is so grumpy all the time! This stinks!

    Fred: Have you given up?

    JCM: Never! Not until I beat you! I may have lost an eye, but I am not going to lose that crown!

    (As Elsa and the zombies get closer, JCM, Fred, Jjs, and Katniss recruit as many students and faculty as they can to help them fight off the zombies. The war lasts hours, and hundreds on both sides perish, but Elsa eventually decides that the losses are too much and orders her army to turn back. The survivors on the side of the living bury their dead before going back into the school.)

    JCM: Man, that was crazy! So, who won Featured Employee?

    Jjs: JCM, how can you think about Featured Employee at a time like this?

    JCM: I mean, we won, didn’t we?

    Jjs: (sighs) Yeah, I guess we did.

    (Jjs addresses the students.)

    Jjs: Call your parents. Call your Ubers, do what you need to do to get home. (pauses) We fucking won this shit!

    (Everybody cheers.)

    Fred: JCM?

    JCM: Yeah?

    Fred: Whether I won or lost, I just want to say…good game.

    JCM: (nods) Good game.

    (The faculty go into the teacher’s longue, and Jjs opens the results of the Featured Employee voting on his phone.)

    Jjs: Today, we learned a lot about what we’re capable of as a staff and as a school. As powerful as we are, though, nothing in the world more powerful than a good story. Nothing can stop it. No enemy can defeat it, and who has better stories than our school librarian, SOF? That’s why I voted for him, and that’s why I imagine so many others in this room did, too. SOF, come on up! You’re this week’s Featured Employee!

    JCM: What?

    Fred: What?

    JCM: I didn’t even know we had a library!

    Fred: I didn’t, either, and I’m the English teacher! Now that I think about it, that may be why I lost.

    OMJ: That and you two not doing your jobs all day.

    Fred: Hey, weren’t you just killed?

    OMJ: Yeah, but I’m fine now. Totally unrelated, but can I bite your arm?

    Fred: Not gonna happen.

    OMJ: Worth a shot.

    (The End)

    • Wow 1
  15. JCM Counsels a Hawk

    (JCM is in his office with a student.)

    Student: So, what am I supposed to do about my depression?

    JCM: Well, I was depressed for 30 seconds yesterday, so I would say I have extensive experience with it!

    Student: And?

    JCM: Just think happy thoughts and you’ll cheer up in no time!

    Student: I…don’t think that’s how it works.

    JCM: Who’s the therapist here?

    Student: You aren’t a therapist! You’re a fucking school counselor! I can’t believe I went to you with this! You’re worse than Seb!

    (The student runs out of the office, and HawkbitAlpha walks in moments later.)

    JCM: Hi there, Mr. Alpha! What’s troubling you?

    HawkbitAlpha: It’s my little brother, HawkbitZeta. He won’t talk to me, and he’s failing all his classes, including my math class.

    JCM: That’s terrible!

    HawkbitAlpha: And that’s not all. I found these in his backpack.

    (HawkbitAlpha reveals a pair of Groucho glasses from under his shirt.)

    JCM: Oh, my gosh! What are those?

    HawkbitAlpha: Remnants of a life I left behind. I’m going to send my brother here the next time he’s in class with me, so do you think you can get through to him?

    JCM: I know I can!

    HawkbitAlpha: Thanks.

    (HawkbitAlpha gives JCM the Groucho glasses.)

    HawkbitAlpha: Also, could you do me a favor and not tell HawkbitZeta I swiped these from him?

    JCM: Of course! Consider these protected by doctor-patient Miss-Congeniality!

    HawkbitAlpha: You mean confidentiality?

    JCM: So it’s not like the Sandra Bullock movie?

    HawkbitAlpha: No.

    JCM: Darn! Well, your secret’s safe with me, anyway!

    (Later that day, HawkbitZeta walks into JCM’s office.)

    JCM: Is there anything you want to talk to me about?

    HawkbitZeta: No. My stupid older brother sent me here!

    JCM: Why do you think he did that?

    HawkbitZeta: Because he’s an asshole who doesn’t know how to mind his own business!

    (JCM nods before slowly placing the Groucho glasses on his desk.)

    JCM: Do you know me what these are?

    HawkbitZeta: That…that was in my backpack!

    (HawkbitZeta opens his backpack and realizes the glasses are no longer in them.)

    HawkbitZeta: Were you going through my stuff?

    JCM: (nervously) No?

    HawkbitZeta: Then where the fuck did you get those glasses from?

    JCM: I’m sorry, but my shrink book says I’m only supposed to ask questions early on because it’s about you, you know?

    HawkbitZeta: You piece of shit! You think you can steal from me and get away with it?

    JCM: Calm down, please?

    (HawkbitZeta grabs the Groucho glasses and puts them on.)

    HawkbitZeta: If you thought my brother was a menace, you’re going to hate me!

    (HawkbitZeta runs out of the office and then runs into HawkbitAlpha’s classroom.)

    HawkbitAlpha: What’s going on? And why are you wearing those?

    HawkbitZeta: That guidance counselor you sent me to stole these from me!

    HawkbitAlpha: He…did?

    HawkbitZeta: So I need you to go to the principal with me so we can get him fired!

    HawkbitAlpha: I…I can’t do that.

    HawkbitZeta: Why not? It will be like the old days, with HawkbitAlpha, master of disguise, and his apprentice, HawkbitZeta! Just the two of us, making trouble together!

    HawkbitAlpha: That was never real. I was never a “master of disguise”. I was just a kid with a lot of issues. And I don’t want you to start getting those same issues, which is why I took those glasses out of your backpack.

    (HawkbitZeta begins to back away.)

    HawkbitZeta: It was you?

    HawkbitAlpha: Yes, but you need to understand…

    HawkbitZeta: No! Fuck you! I’m sick of this class, I’m sick of this school, I’m sick of everything!

    (HawkbitZeta runs out of the classroom, and HawkbitAlpha follows him.)

    HawkbitAlpha: Wait!

    (HawkbitZeta raises a middle finger as he runs out the school. JCM then comes out of his office.)

    JCM: Did we fix him?

    HawkbitAlpha: What do you think?

    JCM: I’ll guess…yes!

    HawkbitAlpha: You’re a fucking idiot, JCM.

    (HawkbitAlpha walks back into his classroom sadly.)

    JCM: Think happy thoughts, Mr. Alpha! (to himself) I wonder what happened to his brother.

    (HawkbitZeta is sitting outside the school and crying. He suddenly feels an ice-cold hand touch his shoulder.)

    Voice: So, you want to be a master of disguise?

    (HawkbitZeta looks up to find that Tucker Tuckerson is now standing beside him.)

    HawkbitZeta: I mean, I don’t not want that.

    Tucker: Then come with me into my candy van, and I’ll teach you how to turn into whatever you want!

    HawkbitZeta: I don’t know…I feel like I’ve been getting warned about people like you since kindergarten.

    Tucker: Listen…if you want some real power, follow me. Otherwise, stay right there, crying about shit the world does to you, instead of doing some shit to the world for once.

    (Tucker starts walking to a black van with “CANDY” spray painted in white on it that is parked on the side of the street. HawkbitZeta hesitates before following him.)

    Tucker: I knew you would come to your senses.

    HawkbitZeta: Do you have Kinder Bueno in that van?

    Tucker: It’s not an actual candy van.

    HawkbitZeta: Fuck!

    (The End)

    • Like 1
  16. JCM Experiences the Stages of Grief

    (JCM walks into Shinya's Korean restaurant.)

    JCM: Take a look at SBC's new guidance counselor!

    Sauce Mama: Oh my God, JCM, I'm so happy for you!

    JCM: (eyes widen) Sauce? What are you doing here?

    Sauce Mama: I'm the newest waitress! Shinya offered me job once I told him I was back in town!

    (JCM starts babbling incoherently.)

    Sauce Mama: Aww, JCM, are you still in love with me?

    JCM: Where's Shinya?

    Sauce Mama: In the kitchen. Why?

    (JCM runs into the kitchen.)

    Shinya: JCM? What are you doing back here?

    JCM: Why did you replace me with my half-sister?

    Shinya: Sauce has worked with my longer than you have! Why wouldn't I bring in somebody I knew could do the job?

    JCM: It's just...I didn't expect you to move on so quickly.

    Shinya: Don't tell me you want to come back already!

    JCM: No! I...I'm doing great! I'm actually reading this book about being a good shrink that's over a thousand pages long! And right now, I'm learning about the stages of grief, but that...that doesn't mean I'm in denial!

    Shinya: Really? Because it sounds like you're in denial.

    (JCM walks out of the kitchen.)

    JCM: Can I get a table, Sauce?

    Sauce Mama: Sure! Anything for my bro!

    (Sauce Mama leads JCM to a table, and he sits down at it.)

    Sauce Mama: Can I give you anything to drink while you're waiting to order? It's on me!

    JCM: I...I...crap! I'm sorry for the coarse language, Sauce, but I'm feeling really mad all of a sudden.

    Sauce Mama: I've got just the thing for that: weed soda! It's legal here and it will mellow you right up!

    (Sauce Mama goes into the kitchen, and Shinya comes out of it shortly after. JCM runs to Shinya.)

    JCM: You've gotta give me my job back! I'll do anything!

    Shinya: Sounds like you're at the bargaining stage.

    JCM: How do you know about that?

    Shinya: It's one of the most overused tropes in television, JCM! Get a grip on yourself!

    JCM: (crying) I made a mistake! You told me I was making a mistake when I quit to become a teacher again, but I didn't listen! I'm sorry!

    (Shinya grabs JCM's shoulders.)

    Shinya: No. I'm the one who made the mistake. I was just used to you being around, but now that you've spent some time back at the school doing what you love, the last thing I want to do is take that away from you.

    JCM: But...I don't love it! I thought I did, but I don't.

    Shinya: That's the depression talking. I know you'll be a great guidance counselor, but you have to know it, too.

    (Sauce Mama walks out of the kitchen with a large glass of weed soda.)

    Sauce Mama: Am I...interrupting something?

    JCM: (wipes away tears) No.

    Sauce Mama: Great! Here's your federally controlled substance packaged in an unhealthy carbonated beverage!

    (Sauce Mama gives JCM the glass, and he drinks all of it in less than a second.)

    Sauce Mama: What the fuck? You weren't supposed to drink it all that fast!

    (JCM starts laughing.)

    JCM: I've done it! I've learned to accept that I'm not working here anymore! And I feel great!

    Sauce Mama: You're probably going to be feeling something else soon.

    JCM: What?

    (Suddenly, everything becomes sepia-toned, and everybody inside the restaurant now has afros and 1970s-era clothing on.)

    JCM: Uh-oh.

    (CNF, CDCB, Cha, and a capybara run into the restaurant.)

    CNF: There you are, JCM!

    JCM: The first things I can think of that start with the letter C? I guess it's just one of those days.

    Cha: We found a major clue in that mystery we've been investigating!

    JCM: Mystery? What mystery?

    CDCB: We don't have time for exposition! But that does remind me of a joke...

    CNF and Cha: No!

    CDCB: Never mind, then. Just know that we have to go now! It's urgent!

    Capybara: Right! Rit's rurgent!

    JCM: Sorry, Shin and Sauce. I need to leave with my friends and our talking capybara.

    Shinya: I understand. Hey, get better. And stay out of the street!

    JCM: You got it!

    (JCM runs out the restaurant with the others.)

    Shinya: (sniffs) They grow up so fast.

    (The End)

    • God Himself 1
  17. JCM Annoys Anonymous Alcohols (aka Alliteration is (Still) Awesome!)

    (JCM walks into Fred’s English class.)

    Fred: JCM, why the fuck aren’t you wearing green?

    JCM: Was I supposed to?

    Fred: Yes, you were supposed to! Look at everyone here! Where’s your holiday spirit?

    JCM: Christmas was over two months ago, wasn’t it?

    Fred: It’s better than Christmas! It’s St. Patrick’s Day, the only day we can drink all day and not be criticized for it!

    (Fred drinks half a bottle of vodka before continuing his English lesson.)

    Fred: Today we’re going to talk about the past parti…partiplical. Nah, fuck that. Class dismissed.

    Students: Yay!

    (All of the students immediately take bottles of liquor out of their backpacks and drink from them.)

    JCM: Fred, aren’t you going to do something? All of those students are underaged!

    Fred: (laughs) Didn’t you hear? Class is over! They aren’t my responsi-bluh-blility anymore!

    (After school is over, JCM walks down the streets of Circuit City, where there are drunk people and wrecked cars everywhere.)

    JCM: There must be somewhere I can go where everyone isn’t drinking themselves to death!

    (JCM notices a sign pinned to a pole with the words “Want to Go Somewhere Where Everyone Isn’t Drinking Themselves to Death? Stop by Lucky’s on 8th Street!” JCM then goes to Lucky’s on 8th Street.)

    JCM: Hello?

    (JCM finds a leprechaun in the room with a group of older adults.)

    Leprechaun: Hey there! I’m Lucky! What’s your name?

    JCM: JCM.

    Group: Hi, JCM.

    Lucky: So, how long have you had problems with alcohol?

    JCM: My whole life! I’ve never understood why everyone around me drank so much, especially on St. Patrick’s Day!

    Lucky: (chuckles) Yes, it is hard to resist the pressure to do what everyone else does.

    JCM: Not for me! I’ve never had a drop of alcohol in my life!

    (The people in the group mutter among themselves.)

    Lucky: JCM, you do realize this is an AA meeting, right?

    JCM: What’s AA?

    Lucky: Alcoholics Anonymous. Meaning it’s for recovering alcoholics, like me and everybody else here.

    JCM: Can’t I stay here anyway?

    Lucky: Not to be a gatekeeper, but you need to get the fuck out of here. You aren’t like us.

    (The people in the group mutter in agreement.)

    Lucky: You aren’t even wearing green. What kind of asshole doesn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day?

    JCM: You…you’re the a-hole! You’re pressuring me to do things I don’t want to do!

    Lucky: Until you know what it’s like…to have your wife hate you, have your children hate you, have your entire country hate you, you wouldn’t understand.

    (Suddenly, everything is in black and white.)

    JCM: What happened to the color?

    (JCM is by himself now, and he notices a younger Lucky walking into a bar.)

    Lucky: (voiceover) When I was a wee lad, I went to pubs all over the world spreading St. Patrick’s Day spirit.

    JCM: Where’s that voice coming from? This is scary! I want to go back!

    Lucky: (voiceover) Shut the fuck up. Anyway, Americans soon tired of my antics.

    (The young Lucky gets thrown out of the bar and stumbles down the sidewalk, clearly drunk.)

    Lucky: (voiceover) They locked me up…

    (JCM is now in a 1930s prison cell with a young Lucky.)

    Lucky: (voiceover) They discriminated against Irish people everywhere…

    (JCM is in front of an old shop with a sign on the door saying “Irish Need Not Apply”.)

    Lucky: (voiceover) And I became the most hated Irishman in the world because of it. Now, there are only disgusting caricatures of me…

    (JCM is in a Lucky Charms commercial.)

    Cartoon Lucky: Stay away from me Lucky Charms!

    (Kids immediately beat the cartoon Lucky up and steal his pot of cereal.)

    Lucky: (voice) And I’m banned from ever entering Ireland again. I’m even banned from Northern Ireland, which is some real bullshit.

    (JCM is back in the AA meeting, and he looks around, still not certain that everything is real.)

    Lucky: Do you understand now? Do you understand why I can’t let somebody who hasn’t had the sweet, sweet taste of alcohol completely fuck up their life be in here with us?

    JCM: No.

    Lucky: Fuck it. Sorry, guys. You all are on your own. I’ve been sober for 80 years, but starting now, I’m done. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and my green ass is getting plastered!

    JCM: Is your…butt actually green?

    (Lucky pats JCM on the shoulder.)

    Lucky: I’ll let you think about that one.

    (Lucky leaves the building named after him, and the people in the group look at each other with confusion.)

    JCM: I may not be like you all, but I know what it’s like to let an addiction ruin your life.

    (JCM thinks for a moment.)

    JCM: His butt isn’t actually green! It’s a figure of speech!

    (The people in the group look at each other with confusion again.)

    JCM: Also, for so long, I was addicted to the thought of being a teacher at the SpongeBob Community School. For one moment, for one brief, beautiful moment, I had it, but then, I lost it…now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not what I want after all.

    (The next morning, JCM walks into the principal’s office at the school, where Jjs is sitting at his desk in sunglasses.)

    JCM: Jjs, I know what I want to teach now!

    Jjs: Why the fuck are you being so loud? Take it down like 20, 30 decibels!

    JCM: (whispering) Sorry. Anyway, I know what I want to teach: nothing!

    Jjs: Huh?

    JCM: I want to be the new guidance counselor. What I want to be…is somebody who helps other people know what they want to be.

    Jjs: Okay.

    JCM: Okay? So, you’ll let me do it?

    Jjs: Sure, if it means you’ll leave me alone. In case you can’t tell, I’m a bit hungover.

    (JCM sprints out of the principal’s office and dances down the hallway as the students and teachers around him groan and walk sluggishly. Fred shakes his head before going into his English class.)

    Fred: Fucking show-off.

    (The End)

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  18. JCM Gets Attacked by Bullies

    (JCM and Trophy are walking out of the teachers lounge and drinking coffee.)

    JCM: You know, I used to be the PE teacher!

    Trophy: Easiest gig ever, right? What do you do now?

    JCM: I’m…not sure.

    (Suddenly, three teenage boys with leather jackets and slicked-back hair walk up to JCM and Trophy.)

    Boy 1: Ey! Gimme yer cawwfee!

    Trophy: Mine?

    Boy 2: Both of youse!

    JCM: We’re teachers! You can’t tell us what to do!

    (The second boy kicks JCM in the shin, causing him to fall to the ground and spill his coffee.)

    Trophy: Don’t need to tell me twice.

    (Trophy gives the first boy his coffee, and after a sip, he spits it onto JCM’s face.) 

    Boy 1: This tastes like shit!

    Trophy: What did you expect it to taste like? It’s coffee.

    Boy 1: Better than this! I dunno why you grownups drink this!

    (The boy gives Trophy the coffee back before going into the cafeteria with his two friends.)

    Trophy: Are you alright, JCM?

    JCM: Aside from the fact that I can’t walk or move my face anymore, sure!

    Trophy: Great! Because class is about to start, so I’m off to the gym!

    (Trophy starts walking away.)

    JCM: Wait! I was being fictitious! Face-e-shush? Oh, forget it!

    (The third teenage boy approaches a student in the cafeteria.)

    Boy 3: Gimme yer lunch money…or you’ll get a pounding!

    Student: (sweating) Okay! Do you have Venmo?

    Boy 3: Huh?

    Student: Cashapp?

    Boy 3: (annoyed) Are you just makin’ up words?

    Student: Most of us don’t pay for our lunch in cash. We do it on one of those apps I just mentioned.

    Boy 3: Fuck kind of bougie-ass school is this? You better have cash on you tomorrow or you’re gettin’ a pounding!

    (The student nods and runs off. Later that day, Jjs is in his office with Seb, the guidance counselor.)

    Jjs: What am I supposed to do about these bullies tormenting everyone?

    Seb: have you tried taking away their phones?

    Jjs: That’s the thing! They aren’t cyber bullies! They’re IRL bullies!

    Seb: irl bullies? i thought mark zuckerberg killed those off ten years ago by making bullying people online easier than ever before!

    Jjs: (sighs) I did, too. I have no idea how to approach this.

    Seb: what if we brought in somebody who has experience with irl bullying?

    Jjs: You don’t mean…

    Seb: do you have any better ideas?

    (The next day, ExKizuna walks into jjs’s office.)

    Jjs: I wish we were meeting under happier circumstances.

    ExKizuna: It’s okay. I’m happy to make up for my ugly history at the school by using what I know to help you guys!

    Jjs: Are you sure you’ll be able to get rid of them?

    ExKizuna: Absolutely! And I’ll do it without throwing a single punch!

    (Wintermelon is walking down the hallway when he sees the teenage boys approach him wielding hammers.)

    Boy 1: Ey, boys! Youse ever crushed a winter melon before?

    Wintermelon: I…I was just kidding about your jackets being lame! I swear!

    Boy 2: Too late! It’s time for us to get a looks inside you!

    (ExKizuna jumps in between the boys and Winter.)

    ExKizuna: Put the hammers down.

    Boy 3: Or what?

    ExKizuna: Listen, I know what you’re going through. I’ve been in your shoes before. You think the world doesn’t care about you, doesn’t care about what you’re feeling, so you lash out, take your anger out on everything and everyone around you, but I promise you. There are people who care. There are people willing to listen. You just have to let your walls down and accept them in. Accept us in. Tell me what’s on your minds.

    Boy 1: What’s on my mind…is that there’s a giant…fucking letter…trying to tell me what the fuck to do. Boys?

    Boy 2: Yeah?

    Boy 3: Yeah?

    Boy 1: It’s hammer time!

    ExKizuna: Oh come on! That reference is super dated!

    (The boys start swinging their hammers at ExKizuna. Teachers and students come out of nearby rooms to watch the fight.)

    ExKizuna: Well, I tried to resolve this peacefully.

    (ExKizuna grabs the hammer the second boy swings at him and uses it to swing the second boy around before throwing him into the other two boys. The three boys then charge at him, and ExKizuna punches and kicks them while avoiding the punches thrown his way. After several minutes, the boys are laying on the ground bruised and defeated.)

    Boy 1: Alright. You win. We’ll shove off. Unless there’s anyone here who wants us to stick around.

    (The teachers and students watching them are silent.)

    Boy 1: (sniffs) Fine! All we wanted to do was to shake things up! We neva meant nobody no harm!

    Wintermelon: You were literally just about to murder me with hammers.


    (The boys leave of the school, and the students and teachers cheer. Jjs then walks up to ExKizuna.)

    Jjs: What happened to not throwing a single punch?

    ExKizuna: I didn’t throw a single punch! I threw six…or seven.

    (JCM peeks out of the teacher’s lounge.)

    JCM: Is it safe?

    ExKizuna: JCM!

    (ExKizuna runs to JCM, and JCM instinctively flinches right before ExKizuna hugs him.)

    JCM: Wow! I’m not in as much pain as I thought I would be! Still in pain, though.

    ExKizuna: Sorry.

    (ExKizuna lets go of JCM, and they walk outside the school with Jjs and Seb right behind them.)

    Seb: things have really changed over the years, haven’t they?

    Jjs: Some things have, but not all of them. You’re still the guidance counselor, after all.

    Seb: oh, that reminds me. I quit.

    ExKizuna, Jjs, and JCM: Whaaaaaaaaaaaa?

    (The End)

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