Old Man Jenkins

October 28, 2022

Prey for the Devil: Huuuuge step down from the horror movies I’ve watched in my last couple posts. The premise sounds interesting and what they’re trying to build up for a possible franchise going forward has potential to be something better, but it was just so damn boring. Perhaps if there were better cooks in the kitchen, it could’ve made me want to see more, but this was not the right foot to get off on (pause?). Not to mention that exorcism movies have become so overdone and passé nowadays, a lot of stuff this movie tries to do has definitely been done a lot better in other movies. There was only like one decent setup for a scare and the rest is just cheap, lowest common denominator shit. Was hoping this one would surprise me like Smile did, but you win some and you lose some. If a horror movie is boring enough to damn near put me to sleep, there’’s a whole lot wrong there.

October 27, 2022

Episode 3: The Frenzy

We return a day later, to Manny still cradling his family’s husks in his arms. He finally decides what his next move is going to be. He apologizes to his family one more time before turning over on his back, appearing to self induce tonic immobility in order to suffocate himself and finally bring an end to his misery. As the trance of tonic immobility gradually takes hold, over him, he starts to see a figure swimming a distance over him, blocking out the sunlight above like a moving eclipse. Manny is startled to see the same imposing figure brush past his body down below. He looks back up to see the sunlight again. This much larger mauve colored shark had tinges of a darker pink on his underbelly. It appears to be looking directly at Manny, but the moment he swims past Manny like he doesn’t even exist again, does Manny realize what this shark is really after.

The shark sniffs Kai and then the kids. It seems to have found its next meal. Manny begs the shark to leave them be and to claim him instead. The shark still refuses to acknowledge him as it begins to open its jaws over his wife’s body. Manny breaks out of the trance he was putting himself in and springs into action, shoving the other shark a couple inches away with all his strength. This finally catches the other’s attention. The shark comments that Manny “still has some fight in him after all”. This shark confesses that he had witnessed everything that transpired, including Manny’s continuously pathetic display. Manny refuses to take a lecture from both his family and some stranger, vowing to protect their bodies in death. They get into an argument over whether a burial is the way to go, with Manny saying that it’s the proper way to about it and the opposing shark arguing that it desecrates their memory and deprives them of their “final act”, the act of giving back vital proteins and nutrients to the ocean in death, which is something he looks to claim for himself.

Manny musters up the strength and courage to wrestle the other shark for ownership of their bodies, but his already weakened state sees him get easily overpowered and absolutely bodied. The shark grabs Manny by the dorsal with just his mouth and slams him back on the ground next to his family, a defeated and bloodier mess. The shark lays the truth on him that it doesn’t take a marine scientist to know that he and his family were betrayed. A shark finning operation this close to a shark sanctuary? Gives off the scent of an inside job. Manny refuses the possibility, but the shark asks just where is everybody he was with. They staged the whole thing, got the juicy stuff that they wanted and then left them for the frenzy to take care of the rest. Manny looks all around himself to see swarms of sanctuary sharks all throughout the distance, chomping at the bit to claim him and his family, but it appears something is holding them all back. Is it this shark, himself?

The dark shark gives Manny the opportunity to allow his family their one final act. Claim their proteins and nutrients as his own and gain greater strength from it. He’s gonna need it for what comes next. Manny asks what comes next. The dark shark responds, “you’re gonna make them bleed.” Manny looks at his family, extremely conflicted over what he must do to survive. He looks back up and finds that the dark shark is gone, and that the sanctuary sharks no longer have anything holding them back. The sanctuary sharks go into a frenzy and frantically make their approach. The frenzy’s approach causes Manny to flashback to when his kids were in danger of being predated on by members of their own group, Manny tried to talk them down but his wife took action and fended the lemon sharks off herself. She came out of the encounter far from unscathed. This was the moment that caused them to flee the group and find a new life of their own. Pan and Kai’s last words then echoed through his head.

Manny comes to realize that maybe he did make them weak, but it was all in the hope of living a better, more civilized life. But THIS is the life and, ultimately, death his efforts have given them. Even when living in a civilized world, his family still came to a barbaric end. There is no such thing as civilization. Civilization is just a myth. It’s a ruse, an excuse to change the pecking order, a pecking order where sharks were once on top. Sharks have been reduced to being the ones in need of protection. It’s time to change all that.

Manny snaps himself out of his stupor to see reef sharks closing in on his daughter, Thalassa, but before they can sink their teeth into her, Manny manages to sink his in first. He quickly devours her entire body and tails whips the sharks away. He turns his attention to Pan, also swiping him away and devouring him whole. Manny can feel a sudden surge of energy flowing through him. His kind of power in the wrong shark’s hands could prove deadly, but in his it’s even deadlier. Reef sharks have already started nibbling on Kai, but Manny wrestles a large chunk of her away from them and claims it for himself. It feels as though the souls of his family are coursing through him, adding to his own. He’s never felt this before, this great. This was exactly what he needed to save his family earlier. Tears well up and evaporate in his eyes as the weight of his actions, as well as the circumstances that led to this point, catches up to him, but quickly takes it all in stride. He has to, in order to carry out what comes next.

“MAKE THEM BLEED”

The waters within the zone of protection slowly start to run red. Marine biologists and conservationists out in the field take notice of the startling change when a limp and heavily injured leopard shark is suddenly flung over their way, hitting one of them into the water. Some of them check on the condition of the leopard shark while some of the others check on their fellow conservationist who fell in, calling for them but are only answered by increasingly bloodstained water and torn body parts emanating from the bottom of their boat. A rogue lemon shark breaches the water and lunges at their boat. What follows is pure bloodshed.

Notes

The first instance of Manny embracing his primal instincts.
The Dark Shark is implied to be something grander and more supernatural in nature, but what exactly it is remains to be seen.
Featured shark(s): lemon shark, grey reef shark, leopard shark, white tip reef shark, ??? (Dark Shark)

Trivia

The shark sanctuary in Palau was established in 2009, to preserve and protect sharks from being targeted in commercial fishing activities. One such activity being shark finning.
The energy that courses through Manny’s body as his primal instincts take hold of him is called “mana”. Stay tuned for more on this subject.

Episode 4: The Green Gills

We open up to Sergeant Roderick and his Undersea Defense Force special operations unit, The Green Gills, executing a mission to liberate a reef community known as Barrier Bottom from the jaws of an overly ambitious tiger shark known only as The Dump Truck. The Dump Truck has been occupying the town for months and has been keeping its inhabitants tightly pressed under his thumb. The Dump Truck is an imposing force of nature who has committed similar acts of violence in the past against other communities, leaving nothing but death and carnage in her wake. The Green Gills have finally been deployed to deal with her threat personally.

Sergeant Roderick’s team consists of himself and other bignose sharks; Greg, Rowley, Fregley, Mudd and Patty. They infiltrate Dump Truck’s compound, managing to free some of Barrier’s imprisoned citizens in the process. They finally have Dump Truck in their sights and attempt to take her down in a coordinated attack, but they are soon laid siege upon by a small army of tapeworms, having appeared from inside Dump Truck. Dump Truck is surprised that the Green Gills have gotten this close to her, a true testament of their hunting abilities. She reveals herself to be the one in charge of this small army. She says that she’s come to a working agreement with her parasites. They can continue to feed off of her as long as they help keep her well fed. A mutually beneficial relationship, as she puts it. Roderick’s team fights off the tapeworms in order to reach their leader, but their numbers prove to be more formidable than they anticipated.

Greg manages to break away from the fray long enough to attack Dump Truck himself. His efforts are valiant, but the tiger shark manages to shut him down with her superior bite power. She crushes his skull between her teeth and gnashes life out of him before swallowing him whole. Upon seeing this, Roderick breaks off two teeth from his mouth and uses them as makeshift dual blades. The rest of the team follows suit and do the same thing to better cut down on the tapeworms’ numbers.

Roderick fights through scores of them, eventually carving out a path right to Dump Truck, herself. The tiger shark sees this and attempts to make a move on him before he can on her. She charges him into the walls of the compound, biting away at his torso. Roderick bites her on the dorsal fin and tears away at it, wrestling her down to the ground. Dump Truck tries bucking him off like a horse would do to its rider, but Roderick hangs on by his teeth and stabs her right in the eye with one of his improvised tooth blades. He dismounts as she trots around in pain with the tooth still lodged in her eye. Disoriented from the attack, she still opts to charge him, landing a blow right to Roderick’s nose. This stuns him momentarily, but he’s able to sense her charging over again and this time, he greets her with the end of his second improvised blade. The blade breaks skin under her chin and down her underbelly, the forward momentum from her charge causing the blade to effectively gut her down the middle.

Blood, innards and even more tapeworms gushes out of her, as does Greg’s mangled, slightly digested body. Any surviving tapeworms notice this and flee the compound while they can. Roderick and his team reconvene and finish Dump Truck off by devouring what’s left of her, giving each of them a boost in power and vitality.

Meanwhile, back in the Palauan Marine Sanctuary, the lemon shark circles a heavily damaged boat, hiding underneath the thick blood that’s coating the water. A lone survivor on the vessel attempts to call for help, saying that one of the sharks has gone horrifically rogue. But before they could receive an answer, the lemon shark breaches the water and falls directly on the boat, engulfing both the conservationist and their radio in his mouth. The damaged boat collapses under the weight as the lemon shark drags his victim deeper into the water.

Manny awakens in a fright, covered in sweat and appearing very manic. He finds himself somewhere in the open ocean, far from where he last remembered himself being. Was it all just a dream? Did he go off to find the help he was seeking? The sunlight shining down on him appears to have been blocked out again. He looks up and sees nothing this time, only to be startled when he looks back down to see the same dark shark from earlier floating right before him.

The dark shark informs him that it was all very, very real. He taunts Manny that he’s wasted the best years of his life on such frivolous bullshark shit, and that this is every shark’s true calling. Manny asks why he doesn’t remember making his way all the way down here. The dark shark responds that it’s because Manny let his instincts take over. His instincts “brought him catharsis, some closure and they also brought him here, right to me”. Manny questions just who this dark shark is exactly, and why the sudden interest.

The dark shark claims its name to be Kepanilā. Manny claims to have heard that name somewhere before, like out of an old story or something. Kepanilā claims himself to be “a god among sharks”, alongside others. They had all taken part in the Great Shark Wars centuries ago. Most of his kindred became casualties, believing himself to be the only one still left on the board. He has spent countless years roaming the world’s oceans alone, save for a traveling companion or two. Kepanilā long thought that he no longer had a purpose after the wars ended, but the ocean’s tide brought them together when they both needed a savior most.

Manny’s already getting weird vibes from this guy, to which Kepanilā says is good. Those are his instincts still kicking in. Kepanilā confesses that he wants to be able to help someone again like the good old days, before the wars tore the shark gods all apart. He sees Manny as his chance to finally get redemption. He’s already helped guide Manny to the false sanctuary, but there’s still more stops to make, and more blood to spill before he can truly redeem himself. Kapenilā tells Manny that his instincts have already brought him this far, it’d be best to continue following them. Manny doesn’t even know who or what they’re even leading him to. Kapenilā advises Manny to think back to when he and his family were initially ambushed. The men who de-finned his wife and children did so all the way at the bottom of the ocean. No man is capable of such a feat unless he were a merman. But those weren’t mermen that he smelled. Manny smelled that they were crocodiles, in men’s clothing. Kepanilā compliments him on his deduction skills. And where do the scaly bastards usually tend to shack up? The swamps, and they will run red tonight.

Back in the newly liberated Barrier Bottom, Roderick and his team honor their fallen comrade, Greg, with a brief vigil. Greg had no family that he knew of to notify in the event of his passing. Their vigil is suddenly interrupted by the untimely arrival of Gill Hammerstein and a film crew, on behalf of The Hieronymus Glove Company. Hammerstein compliments Roderick and his crew on a job well done, it all looked great on camera. Roderick refuses to give him permission to use that footage in any way. Hammerstein cuts straight to the point and asks Roderick and his team to become the new faces of Glove’s MegaloMania. Roderick doesn’t know what Gill expects him to say the second time and refuses once again. Gill knows what the Green Gills put themselves through and he wants to give them a platform to show the entire world just that. Roderick shoots that Hammerstein only wants to trivialize what they do, and that what they really do isn’t meant for the entire world to see. Roderick angrily tells Hammerstein to make a spectacle out of someone else.

A defeated Gill promises to burn the footage, but he’s already got a copy made and sent out to Nigel. The Green Gills receive some surprising intel from their superiors about a vicious attack that was carried out at the Palauan Marine Sanctuary. The casualties include both human and shark. Hammerstein snidely comments that he may have just found that spectacle. Roderick informs his superiors that The Green Gills will head down there right away. Roderick orders to have Greg’s body brought back to Bikini Bottom for a proper burial since they can’t bring themselves to consume a fallen brother in arms.

The Green Gills take their leave, but Hammerstein secretly bribes some of the UDF personnel into handing over the body to him.

Notes

It’s heavily implied that Gill Hammerstein and Sergeant Roderick have a history serving in the Undersea Defense Force together.
The Great Sharks Wars was a civil war involving various shark clans over surface world relations. It is believed that entire species went extinct during this time.
Featured shark(s): bignose shark, tiger shark, lemon shark, hammerhead shark, a literal shark god

Trivia

Gill Hammerstein previously appeared in the SpongeBob SauarePants video game, “Lights, Camera, Pants”.
Sergeant Roderick previously appeared in the SpongeBob SquarePants episode, “Mrs. Puff, You’re Fired” as the substitute teacher for Mrs. Puff. He even offers bonbons to the tapeworms as a callback to said episode.
The Green Gills name comes from two different sources of inspiration: the real life Green Berets and the son of the shark god, Keali’ikau ‘o Ka’u, who was a green shark born from a union between the god and a human.
The improvised weapons used by The Green Gills were inspired by ancient Hawaiian weaponry, which utilized shark teeth. Also by the fact that sharks have an endless supply of teeth that regenerates throughout their lives
The scientists who tagged Roderick and his team and gave them names were, in fact, inspired by characters from the Wimpy Kid books.
Dump Truck’s name is inspired by the fact that tiger sharks are known as “the dumpsters of the sea”, due to their diet of eating just about anything

Don’t worry, I may be hella ass late for Shark Week but I plan on wrapping this up for spoopy season! Expect the remaining 3 episodes to be posted before the month concludes. Yup, it’s 7 episodes altogether, one for each day of Shark Week! There might even be another extra festive surprise thrown in for good measure. I’ll have more to say on the future of this shit once it’s all said and done.

October 24, 2022

There Was One Kid Here Earlier

It’s been going on 22 years now since Monroe Rechid went missing. A single witness who last saw the boy claims he was out at the carnival by himself. This claim baffled the citizens and local authorities. There was no carnival in town at the time of the disappearance and further investigation found that the area where this purported carnival was operating was completely deserted, with no sign of any recent activity. The witness was brought in for further questioning, but the starfish was written off as a mentally stunted fool. He was later let go once it was abundantly clear to investigators that he was “too stupid” to have played any active part in Monroe’s disappearance

His parents, Fred and Sadie, both vehemently deny to this day the notion that Monroe had any reason to run away from home. They love him, and have always supported him in everything that he does. Monroe is their only child, their miracle baby. A miracle in that it was once thought impossible that the couple would ever have a child with Fred’s leg the way it is. The couple did everything in their power to have the family that they always wanted, but when those efforts weren’t proving to be enough, the couple decided to go beyond that.

The couple embarked on seeking help from a higher power. They began by hoping and praying to Neptune in hopes that he may bless them with what they desired. When Neptune didn’t answer their prayers, they turned to Poseidon, to whom their prayers also fell on deaf ears. All hope appeared to be lost. The couple were slowly but surely coming to terms with the reality of their situation. When familial dreams appeared to be behind them for good, they claimed that a friend approached the couple with a pamphlet about a new temple of worship that was being established in town.

Hesitant at first, as Neptune and Poseidon were all they knew their entire lives, the couple would decide to attend congregations and during those congregations, they came to know Dagon as the Babylonian fish god of fishermen and, most importantly, fertility. They handed off their lives to be in service to Dagon, and when the couple had given up enough of themselves as they could, they believed that Dagon finally blessed them with the gift of life. Monroe would soon be born and The Rechids now had someone else to dedicate all their time and energy to.

When Monroe disappeared, the couple alleged that members of the temple had something to do with it as a sort of retribution for moving on and turning away from Dagon. Investigation into these claims came up with surprisingly zero results. There has been no Temple of Dagon operating in Bikini Bottom, there isn’t any evidence of it ever operating anywhere else. The temple of worship they claimed to have attended on a weekly basis was no longer there, nor was there any evidence that anything even operated in the area. It is just an open clearing, much like where their son was last seen. Even the friend who they say introduced them to the religious group never existed. The pamphlet they claimed to have received, no longer in their possession and now vanished without a trace.

The search parties were soon called off and the case inevitably closed. The couple once again turned to prayer, hoping their boy would safely return back to them. A package would later arrive at their doorstep. It was a round aluminum container, not much different from any regular can you’d find in stores. The couple thought nothing of it at first until they saw the label. It was branded “God of the Sea® Tuna”. They said that the container gave off a horrible, unending scent of mayonnaise. They even claimed to hear the voice of their son calling out to them, begging and pleading to be let out. They couldn’t bring themselves to open it, fearing what might really be inside in such a horribly cramped, vacuum sealed state. The couple contemplated simply ridding themselves of the cursed container, but it is now the closest that they have to finally having their son back. The sounds and smell would go on to torment them, soon opting to seal the container away in a specially built storage room, behind multiple layers of concrete, located in their basement. They claim to still smell and hear it to this day, even when others don’t.

October 21, 2022

Smile: Another solid horror entry to add to 2022’s stacked plate. Creature design was pretty damn sick. Sosie Bacon killed it.

Halloween Ends: I ended up liking this more than most, but I wouldn’t say it’s one of the better horror movies of the year. I can appreciate the risks it takes in its effort to defy fan expectations and bring something new to the franchise. There’s definitely worse Halloween movies in my book.

Black Adam: Really wanted to like this, but it turned out to be a mess. Each time it did something I remotely liked (which wasn’t a whole lot), it did something to undo whatever good will it built for me. It’s very akin to Morbius in that it just feels like something to sit through just to get to the post-credits scene. Tho the action sequences were on point and there were characters like Dr. Fate and Hawkman who stood out alongside the leading man. Atom Smasher was pretty cool. Cyclone needed more stuff to say and do, I feel.

September 26, 2022

Can’t think of a better movie to send this lit out on (except maybe The Mask). Bravo, braddah, bravo!

September 13, 2022

“Beast”: A decent creature feature, but I just end up feeling bad for the lion, mang. You can telegraph how the ending is gonna go like 10 minutes in, which kinda took the wind out of the sails for me when it finally went down.

”Pearl”: Great period/throwback horror entry from A24. They really crafted something special and most of all, unique, here and gives us a more fleshed out character that can really challenge your ability to empathize and relate. I’d say I enjoyed this one more than X (not to throw any shade at X). Mia Goth definitely deserves an award of some sort for this one, mang. Her monologue at the end was top notch. Also has one of my favorite ending credits ever. Can’t wait to see how the story continues post-X in MaXXXine!

”Don’t Worry Darling”: It’s a case of being a movie that I wanted to love, but only ended up kinda liking since I did really enjoy Olivia Wilde’s other film “Book Smart”. It’s really well made and shot beautifully, the 50s aesthetic and soundtrack is real appealing but the story just feels like something I’ve seen done better in other movies and tv shows. There are some story beats that I do like, but not enough to fully keep my attention throughout the entire runtime. Florence Pugh did her best for this one, definitely the performance that carried this whole thing. Harry Styles was aight, pretty laughable at parts where he really had to emote. All in all, doesn’t come close to Pearl for me.

”The Greatest Beer Run Ever”: Managed to watch this in theaters since it was Regal Cinema’s movie of choice for its $5 Monday Mystery Movie event last night. I was hoping for Terrifier 2 (but that’d be too wishful thinking) since spoopy month is coming up or Amsterdam if it had to be something that wasn’t horror-related. I still ending up liking this one tho, I thought Zac Efron did good and it’s always cool to see the likes of Russell Crowe and Bill Murray. I knew virtually nothing about this until yesterday when the reveal got spoiled for me on Facebook. It’s been received most unfavorably online so I don’t know if I just have bad taste or if there’s something more controversial going on about this flick since it is based off a true story and is based around the Vietnam war, but still, I ended up liking it. It’s like one of them 70s road trip movies, just with the Vietnam War as its backdrop. It’s an Apple TV+ movie and those are rare to see on the big screen in these parts, so I feel like I bored witness to a special event. I hope they do more of these mystery joints. Had pretty good turnouts, I like seeing it.

September 9, 2022

“Barbarian”: The best Resident Evil movie without being a Resident Evil movie. And getting to see Justin Long on a big screen again is another plus, even if his character is an absolute asshat.

September 2, 2022

Just gonna look over my regal account here and try to give a run through of all my theater adventures since at least June:

Lightyear: I thought it was harmless fun. I can get the Toy Story fans being less than thrilled with it, but I personally thought it was aight probably because I’m a sucker for space shits. Probably would’ve been much better served as it’s own separate IP.

Jurassic World: Dominion: There’s definitely more to dislike than like with this one. Definitely the Rise of Skywalker of this World trilogy. Shame since the base concept sounds like great popcorn fun on paper.

The Black Phone: A fun lil horror/thriller shit. I feel there’s a good message in it under all the swearing and violence.

Minions: The Rise of Gru: A fun lil animation shit. I don’t mind the Minions as much as the next person. There was nobody in suits when I went, no banana throwing smh

Thor: Love and Thunder: This shit was fuckin disappointing, mang. Lightning struck for Ragnarok, but hell if it struck a second time here. Felt like a juvenile Thor parody more than anything. Lots of things got mishandled, the personal biggest flub for me being the Jane Foster cancer storyline. I should’ve felt a lot more for her character at the end than I ended up feelin. Honestly the weakest Phase 4 entry for me. Probably of the entire MCU, if I’m being completely honest with myself. I like Taika, he’s proven himself very capable of balancing serious and comedy before, but they need to hand over the reins next time.

Elvis: Had fun with this one. You definitely feel that long ass runtime watching it but it also didn’t lose my attention at all during, so that’s somethin. Probably not something I’d watch again anytime soon, which is something I say about most every musical biopic I’ve seen after first watch.

Nope: I really like it, and I really like how it’s different from Peele’s other movies. I appreciate the slight change of pace and all the experimentation he does with this one. It’s like Jaws if it were also kind of a western while still being a sci-fi movie. An odd combination I can get behind and be there for. Can’t wait to see what crazy shit Peele does next.

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On: I went into this thinking it’d be like a Paddington sorta deal, ya know. Cute with the feels, somethin Rotten Tomatoes eats up. But I wasn’t expecting to go on the feels trip of my fuckin year so far, mang. I never thought I’d ever relate so much with a freakin talking shell with little ass shoes until I watched this shit. And to experience something like this movie so soon after something else that happened recently in my personal life, I was honestly not ready for Marcel the Shell with Shoes On. This movie was absolutely merciless when it came to my emotional state. I don’t if it’d exactly be other peoples’ cuppa tea since my thoughts on it come from a very personal place, but it’s up there for me.

DC League of Superpets: Ended up liking this more than I thought I would. I grew up loving the Krypto cartoon, so I was always probably gonna end up thinking this would be at least decent. I’d personally place it above Lightyear and Rise of Gru.

Easter Sunday: As a half-Filipino, I felt obligated to watch this. I’m not entirely familiar with Jo Koy’s brand of comedy but I’ve heard good things from other Filipinos in my family. A bit heavy on the stereotypes but overall it was aight. Pretty mid. Basic ass story. Some mild laughs and hearty chuckles were had on my part. But I do very much appreciate that this movie even exists and the representation it brings to the movie biz. Ya love to see it.

Bodies Bodies Bodies: Safe to say this is like Gen Z the Movie, but that’s not a negative for me at all. I ended up liking this a lot. It provided the kind of laughs for me that Easter Sunday lacked, in comparison. I say it’s Gen Z the Movie because I think this movie flew over a lot of heads, at least of the audiences that I watched it with both times. Like absolutely no audience reaction aside from the other few younger people that were laughing along with me during my second watch. My first watch was just crickets mang and it was a pretty good audience turnout for premiere night. A lot of the humor regards more modern shit, a modern flavor, but it’s not like it was cringe like new Saints Row’s attempts at the same style of humor or anything. Like a few people were getting up and leaving during it and shit lol. It’s an A24 joint I think so I know people hold those up to a higher standard. I’ve seen clips of audience reactions on YouTube that looked like they were having a grander time and I wish I was in that kind of a crowd. I guess what I’m trying to say is that a bad audience can really kill the mood of a movie you end up liking. I liked the ending, as divisive as it is and I can understand. But like Nope, I appreciate it being ballsy and going against expectations. If they gave me any other ending than the one I got, I probably would’ve walked out more disappointed than the people who were actually disappointed by it.

Dragon Ball Super: Super Hero: I’m a DB fanboy with low expectations at this point, and Super Hero checked all the right boxes for me. Could it have been better? Definitely. But what we got was still fun, and at the end of the day, Dragon Ball is just turn off your brain fun for me. I loved the mad spotlight that Piccolo had here. Mah boi is more or less back to being a major player on the board once again and I am here for it.

The Invitation: This movie was straight ass, mang. The two trailers for this that I’ve seen countless times now are prime recent examples of “hey, let’s just give the whole movie away!” I give it a chance because I saw one of the tv spots say that there’s “a twist that you won’t see coming”, and I since I figured the trailers did a good job conveying the whole damn thing, I thought maybe just maybe there was an off chance that the trailers didn’t exactly gave absolutely everything away. So I watch it and there wasn’t any damn twist that I didn’t see coming. It was all the ass I was expecting by just watching the trailers. So if you didn’t watch those, you’re good to go for a still shitty movie. And it sucks because the main actress honestly did good with what she was given and I thought her character had potential, if only her character was in a better movie.

and saving my personal best for last

Bullet Train: There hasn’t been a lot of shit out recently that really catches my eye so I’ve watched this joint fuckin 8 times already since it’s been out, and I can’t say that I’ve noticed any sorta dip in quality after any those subsequent viewings. This movie is what the theater experience is motherfuckin made for. It’s great on the biggest screen and loudest speakers possible, it’s great with a good enough crowd. I’ve taken every opportunity I’ve been presented to watch this shit again with any friend who hasn’t seen it yet. It’s just my kind of movie, it checks all the right boxes in the action and comedy department, the cast is great, the characters are greater, the soundtrack is bangin, it’s gorgeously shot, it’s like watching a live action anime in the best way, the story and dialogue keeps my interest every single time despite how convoluted it gets by the end. It’s like this movie was made specifically for me. This movie has been palate cleanser following shit like The Invitation. This is the kind of movie I’ve been waiting for since theaters reopened. In my opinion, it’s freakin great, best of the summer hands down, it’d probably be high up on my best of/year end list if I were to ever make one. Probably high up there alongside Everything, Everywhere, All at Once and Marcel the Shell with Shoes On.

and no, I haven’t watched Top Gun: Maverick yet. And I haven’t because I haven’t even watched the first Top Gun yet. I’ve heard plenty of good things about Maverick, but I feel I need to watch the first in order to fully appreciate Maverick, and I’m just in no rush to watch that cheese fest lol

July 28, 2022

Episode 2: Return to Form

Manny remains with his family. With their boat mobile heavily damaged by the shark finners and no signal to be had on his shellphone, seeking out any help feels far too unrealistic at this point. Manny can only hope now to provide them some comfort.

Kai is able to regain her bearings enough to faintly speak to her husband. She laments their current situation, bringing up how they left their original group in order to escape the barbarity, only to face sheer brutality and suffer this barbaric fate. She’s come to regret leaving since the numbers meant safety. Manny brings up that members of their own tried to prey upon their pups, they had no choice but to leave that life behind. Kai says that sharks were meant to keep order in the ecosystem, how it’s in their nature to keep that ecosystem strong by weeding out the weak. How their children may not’ve lived long, but at least their deaths would’ve meant. She sees no meaning in them dying like how they are now.

Inching ever closer to death’s door, Kai realizes she made many mistakes in her life. Perhaps she wouldn’t be literally drowning in her sorrow right now if she hadn’t stepped up as parent for Pan and Thalassa. Kai’s parents abandoned her like all sharks would and she got to live a fuller life. Perhaps if Pan and Thalassa weren’t so coddled, they could’ve become stronger than they are now and probably wouldn’t even be in this situation. Manny sees little point in dwelling on the hypotheticals and what-ifs, Kai interrupts him by posing the thought that maybe this all wouldn’t’ve happened if she had just cut ties with Manny like she was supposed to. Sharks have never been meant to mate for life, let alone commit themselves to union through marriage. Love was never meant to be in the cards. She admits they’ve only committed taboo, and perhaps this is their punishment for it. Manny committed to MegaloMania to show the world that sharks can live peacefully and normally, but he’s only gonna show the world just how weak they truly are by straying from their true natures. Manny can’t find the words to retort to any of this.

Kai notes that she and especially the pups haven’t much time left, but there’s still a window of hope that their deaths can still mean something. Manny just needs to muster up the strength to grant them that serenity, which his nature won’t allow him to do. This draws the ire of his son, Pan, who uses his final breaths to insult his father. He grills Manny for his weakness, reiterating what his mother said earlier about they weren’t meant to weed out the weak. Manny should be dying alongside them right now, he’ll, he should be dying INSTEAD of them. Pan says that being a shark used to mean something, they would command fear and respect, but now they are the ones being constantly disrespected and living in constant fear. And all in some useless effort to fix something that isn’t broken. Pan attempts to lunge at Manny, teeth out, but he his injuries prevent him from doing so. Pan repeats that “we don’t need fixing” until his final breath. Pan’s body trickles down to the ground along his sister’s, eyes open and glazing over.

Having missed his opportunity to grant his children peace, Manny vows to Kai that he won’t let their deaths mean nothing. Kai voices her doubts, telling him that becoming even more sob stories to garner more pity for their species isn’t “something”. And just as sharks should find the concept of love meaningless, so too should they find holding grudges and seeking revenge. Emotion is a shark’s true killer. Kai passes on, leaving Manny with nothing but those words. Manny breaks down in prayer. He prays to Neptune, to somebody, anybody, to help ease his own pain, but he stops himself. He deserves to suffer through every bit of it, for as le long as he continues breathing.

The finale of the three-part “Sharky Road Trip” with the surprise ending proved to be a hit with audiences, becoming the first piece of MegaloMania programming to beat Shark Week in the ratings. Darnell is pleased with the results, but Hammerstein is fuming at all the abrupt changes to his original ending. Hieronymus Glove wasn’t amused either by the shock, bloody ending to a program that was meant to be entirely educational and approachable to younger audiences. Darnell argues that the ratings prove that what they put out there was approachable to ALL audiences, the demographic analytics tell the story: People want to see sharks do what they do best, and that’s get bloodied. And the grisly fate of the Mangroves will only serve to strengthen shark conservation efforts. Darnell reiterates that MegaloMania is meant to be a celebration of ALL things shark, which includes all the bad things that come with them. No matter if they’re the ones attacking or being attacked, this is what gets people tuning in to Shark Week every single year.

Hammerstein slowly warms up to the idea due to all the story possibilities that could be at MegaloMania’s disposal. Hieronymus mulls it all over. With their original star becoming a victim, he wants MegaloMania’s next star to be anything BUT. They need a killer instinct, a will to survive. He also wants a shark that’s lovably marketable and who can carry the brand for years to come. Hammerstein has just the shark in mind.

Hieronymus sends out an edict that’ll affect all MegaloMania programming going forward: More Violence, More Grit, and More of Life’s Harsh Realities. No more coddling, no more pity parties. MegaloMania shall become the destination where sharks of all shapes and sizes return to form.

July 26, 2022

Back on the horse doing something productive, baby. Previously announced as “Sea Dogs” during my last extravagant announcement post and initially announced as “Megalo Don” two years ago, I’m finally ready to sea this thing through just in time for Shark Week

Plot

The Graphic Nature Channel is rolling out their very own answer to Shark Week in the form of “MegaloMania”, another week-long celebration of all things shark. However, the producers and network executives never counted on the water in that well of content to run red.

Characters

Manny Mangrove: A mild-mannered and wimpy lemon shark who has moved his family away from their original group after an incident that almost resulted in the predation of his two kids. Since moving out to Bikini Bottom, he’s cultivated a career in showbiz, taking up roles that most sharks would never consider doing. He hopes to use his career as a platform to show the world that sharks aren’t mindless killing machines.

Kai Mangrove: Manny’s wife and mother to their two pups. She saved her children from a near-fatal encounter with another adult shark in their group. In contrast to what’s customary for most sharks, she and her husband take care of and raise their kids themselves rather than leaving them alone to their own devices.

Pan & Thalassa Mangrove: Manny and Kai’s pups. They are regularly ridiculed by their peers for being so easy to step on despite the fact that they’re apexes.

Nigel Darnell: Once seen as a serious rival to Frenchy Barbeaux in the field of marine biology, he has since devolved into an overzealous, opportunistic content producer for The Graphic Nature Channel. The creator and innovator of the first annual “MegaloMania” television event, failure to produce ratings against Shark Week could mean the end of his tenure with the network.

Hieronymus Glove: Founder of the Hieronymus Glove Company and creator of all things glove-related in your childhood. However, most members of his own species collectively frown upon his “contributions” to the world, seeing him as profiting off the suffering of other sharks by marketing the image of man’s glove for his benefit. To help preserve the good image of both himself and his company, he bought out The Graphic Nature Channel to have it serve as a platform to better represent his species (and to pump more content into his Glove+ streaming service).

Kea Blanco: A great white shark handpicked by Darnell and Glove to be the official “Face of MegaloMania”, their “Megashark”. Having previously sold his soul to shill Anchor Arms, Blanco has somehow sunken even deeper, morally speaking.

Sergeant Sam Roderick: A sleeper shark and an active duty member of the Ōma’o Corps. Descended from sharks who fought in The Great Shark Wars many years ago, the Sergeant dedicates his life to carrying on the good fight as they once did.

Gill Hammerstein: A hammerhead shark and executive producer for “MegaloMania”, who was personally recruited by Glove himself following a private screening of the “Hammerstein Cut” of the Mermaidman and Barnacle Boy Movie.

Episode 1: Breakthrough

Following another eventful day of bringing park goers smiles and happy memories as a cast member at Glove World, Manny Mangrove is scouted by producers for The Graphic Nature Channel and is offered what’s described as a “breakthrough role” for the channel’s upcoming MegaloMania marathon, finding the story of the Mangrove family to be something worth documenting. Manny finds it hard to refuse such a tempting offer, so he eagerly accepts, convincing his family that it’ll get their story out there and send the message that not all sharks have to be violent, bloodthirsty and without emotion. Manny strongly believes that his family is living proof that sharks are perfectly capable of going about healthy, non-violent lives as a cohesive family unit.

Manny and his brood are instructed by Darnell and Hammerstein to undertake a long, quirky road trip to The Palauan Shark Sanctuary, where their story will conclude. However, a quirky shark family road trip just isn’t enough to beat Shark Week on Night 1 of the ratings war, prompting Nigel to take some “creative liberties” over the direction of MegaloMania going forward.

Before the Mangrove family could even reach Palauan waters and educate viewers on all the species who found salvation there, their boat mobile is violently intercepted by a crew of hunters. Manny offers to pay them with some of the MegaloMania money that he’s earned to make up for whatever they may be after, but the hunters won’t bite. The Mangroves are all forcibly removed from the vehicle and are about to be hooked to lines that will drag them up to the ocean’s surface. Manny begs for help from anybody on the Graphic Nature crew documenting their journey, but his begging falls on deaf ears.

Manny is mocked on camera for crying out for help when he’s perfectly capable of defending himself and his family. Kai and the pups are at least putting up a struggle against their attackers, but they’re each viciously clubbed for their efforts. Manny tries reasoning with the hunters, but it gets him nowhere as he gets dropped onto his back and clubbed as well. This act puts Manny into a state of tonic immobility. He watches helplessly as his children are hooked up and yanked to the surface, leaving a bloody trail behind them as they ascend further and further.

Kai is somehow able to break free from her line, though still pierced by the hook. Without hesitation, she swims up after her captive children. Manny is left behind as the hunters quickly give chase to her at speeds that seem very inhuman for the normal, everyday human. One of the hunters appeared to be bleeding heavily, possibly Kai’s doing. Manny then appears to lose consciousness.

15 minutes later, he awakens to the sound of a few splashes on the surface. He finds that he is now able to turn himself over upright, but grimaces from the injuries he received. He looks up and sees three familiar figures floating down towards him. Believing that Kai was successful in rescuing the pups, he rushes upward to reunite with them. What he finds is, indeed, his family, but he finds them in a state that Manny wouldn’t even wish on his enemies. Their fins had all been cut off. Their bodies, now incapable of even staying afloat, discarded like trash.

Trivia

Manny’s first SpongeBob appearance as the “before image” in the Anchor Arms commercial is referenced while he is listing off his acting credits to Gill Hammerstein.
SpongeBob’s casual racism towards Manny and his family during the events of “SpongeGuard on Duty” is mentioned specifically by Manny when convincing his family to sign on for MegaloMania.

July 22, 2022

Kevin Dunn finna be Kevin Done

May 23, 2022

Happy birfday, pard!! Hope it’s a good’un

May 12, 2022

The Northman

April 16, 2022

That Cadbury Bunny commercial

April 15, 2022

Dat chad jawline

March 2, 2022

Uncharted, it’s aight

March 2, 2022

On 2/19/2022 at 10:53 AM, crushingmayhem said:

Yep, I'm now in the PS5 club its a nice console so far but I need to start buying games for it. I recommend a Xbox Series X (or S) too, game pass is an offer you can't miss xD.

I might check Horizon soon but I'm more interested in getting Elden Ring. Its on my wishlist.

Well, buh bye crushing. To say I’m disappointed would be an understatement. Life moves on, I hope you’ll be able to as well, my old friend.

February 16, 2022

4 hours ago, crushingmayhem said:

Definitely subscribe if you have an Xbox One or Xbox Series X/S you won't regret it. Btw i got this.

Oh I’ve been subscribed for a while now :Laugh: and nice, welcome to the club! Can’t wait for Horizon Forbidden West to drop in a few days

February 15, 2022

Happy birfday, sistah sauce! Hope it’s a good’un

February 15, 2022

On 2/11/2022 at 5:36 AM, crushingmayhem said:

Game pass really won me over. Its one of the best deals in gaming xD And yeah, Yakuza 0 is pretty much the first game chronologically then comes the rest. I even tried Yakuza like a dragon and its basically a jrpg with turn based combat lol. It has funny moments. Not to mention Judgment and Lost Judgment that take place in the same universe. Shenmue's a different story but there's many similarities with it since they're both combat based and are open world.

I got Like a Dragon for Christmas and it looks pretty damn fun. I’ve warmed up to turn based joints a lot in recent years so I can’t wait to get to that one. The Judgement games look like good spin-offs too. And I can co-sign that Game Pass is pretty great.

February 10, 2022

7 hours ago, crushingmayhem said:

Kinda missed ya tbh, so much has happened over the years that it'll take a while to explain it all. But yeah, the important part is that I'm here again.

I recommend starting from Yakuza 0. I got all the games for free on Xbox Game Pass so I played them all xD.

You should play them, they kinda fit your character lol?

Well that’s cool and good. I await the novel :Laugh: the story should be quite the read. Welcome back, bruddah!

Yeah, I saw that the mad lads at Xbox has pretty much the entire series on Game Pass. But I’m old school, I just had to dunk more money on the physical copies lol Yakuza 0 was the very first one I bought when it first came out, so that works out for me haha. I dig the 80s flashback vibes so I should enjoy it. I always heard about how the Yakuza series is like a spiritual successor to Shenmue, so if they’re all improvements on Shenmue, I should be right at home.

February 10, 2022

On 2/7/2022 at 5:16 PM, crushingmayhem said:

Long time no see dude. Don't worry everything's settled with the staff.

Anyway, ever played the Yakuza games?

I won’t question it then :bruh: but forreal, it’s good to hear from you again! I can’t believe it’s already been as long as it has been. How’s it been goin, braddah

I haven’t, but I do have all the mainline games in my collection and ready to be popped in whenever I do decide to take that plunge. Heard plenty of good things about it. I should’ve already been on this Yakuza tip years ago.

February 1, 2022

Figured I’d make a separate post to give my final thoughts since that last episode felt like a novel enough as it is lol and I don’t think I ever gave any final thoughts back during the time of the original series finale two years ago. I was in a pretty bad way roughly around that time so it all just felt very whatever to me, and I guess it showed in how that original finale ended.

but yeah, 10 years mang. A decade (give or take two years) of jizz jokes. I never thought that this fuckin joke spin-off would ever evolve into what it has since become when I first posted it. And a lot of that evolution and I guess success (as far as on a SpongeBob forum goes) is thanks to the whole lot of you who’ve supported it throughout the years. Whether you wrote on it, read it, lurked it and/or anything else in between. This milestone is very much yours as much as it is mine and I can’t thank all of y’all enough.

I mean, I practically gave up on this series one episode or so into the second season, but y’all really stepped up and shut my ass up. And really, from there on out, it was all you guys with me just tagging along for the ride mostly.

But special shoutouts to my old rock mate Clappy who initially took the reins of Skodwarde off my hands and really got things rolling with “expanding” Skod beyond just a one man operation. It was a genius decision that I only just toyed with in the form of silly dares and it’s really what gave this spin-off such a long lifespan and I appreciate you for it. Also to my fellow og crew mate Wumbo, whose sense of humor I will sorely miss, I’m glad you got to contribute that brand of humor to Skodwarde for a good while, it was great while it lasted. My time planning and writing this shit with you and Clappy made for some of my fondest on here. Seasons 2-4 will always have a big place in my heart because of that. Also to jjs, the man without whom this past year of Skod content wouldn’t’ve been possible. You took what Clappy established and expanded it far more than I honestly ever anticipated. The sheer amount of collaboration going on with this spin-off at one point. Boy, if that wasn’t the peak of Skodwarde. I loved seeing that, made my decision to step down during Season 8 a whole lot easier because I knew Skod would be in good hands. Skod was a well oiled machine with you in charge and I’m glad I eventually got to work on it under your leadership. Production of Season 11 may have had its ups and downs, but it was still a fun last hurrah at the time. Just when I think I’m out of the game, you always find a way to pull my ass back in lol I’m glad you ended up selling me on this 10th anniversary project. You say that I inspire you a lot, well the feeling goes both ways buddy. Just when I think I have nothing to go off of for a Sponge on the Run parody, our discussions give me the jolt of creativity need to come up with idea for this bad boy. Hard to believe this was almost just a Kamp Koral parody and that’s it. Sorry I couldn’t contribute to that as much as I originally intended, but you ended up knocking Kamp Koral out of the park. I’m glad I gave you the approval to go ahead of it haha. And thank you once again for picking up my slack for a while there on Skod on the Run while I was going through some shit again. You really stepped up and made both projects more your own, and all while still juggling your own slate. I wish I had half of your work ethic brotha. I’ll always appreciate your being here and checking in on me when you don’t have to. Hope we can work on something together like this in the future. And lastly, and I know this name is sorta persona non grata, but special thanks to Elastic Dawg for inspiring me at the time and infecting me with his sense of humor. Seriously, Skodwarde started out more or less as a ripoff of The Mudman. That shit’s still one of my faves despite how brief its run was. I know our friendship took a hit cuz of all the Fantastic Five stuff, but I still regret not making good with you, as well as with the other guys who felt jilted for that matter. You’ve long moved on from this site now, so it is what it is.

Jjs and I both agreed that this will be Skodwarde’s final send off into the sunset. And I tried to write the ending of Skod on the Run to accommodate that decision, as well as trying to make it a more respectful sendoff than last time’s. Once again thank you all for coming along for this crazy ride throughout these last 10 years. Thank you for giving me and others a platform to let loose some creativity and entertain you. I hope this spin-off section never dies. I still plan on posting more of my shit here for as long as I’m able to. It’ll more than likely be infrequent knowing my depressed, unmotivated ass, but I’ll do my damnedest to stick to the current roadmap I have planned out for my new slate. And I hope you’ll join me for those new stories too if you can.

stay gold, Skodwarde. Bang

February 1, 2022

Skod on the Run Part VIII: Magnum (Condom) Opus

One day, the French Narrator prepares to share the culmination of all his underwater research to his peers in the field. For years, scientists have turned over every possible stone they can in order to discover the origin of our universe. While some have looked toward space for the answer, Frenchy has instead plunged headfirst into the ocean. Over the last 10 years, Frenchy has monitored an undersea city that’s evolved years beyond what any could’ve ever anticipated. And at the heart of this city is a self-proclaimed “squid nazi” named Skodwarde. However, contrary to popular belief, he is not a “squid” nazi but in fact, an “octopus”. Who also happens to be a nazi.

This Skodwarde specimen has displayed abilities the likes of which no other species on earth is even capable of doing. Abilities that any sane person would consider to be “unnatural”. 10 years ago, Frenchy discovered this being. And for the past 10 years since, he has been surveying and studying his every move. With consent, of course, because Skodwarde is what so would call a god after all. He would know that he was being filmed against his will.

Frenchy has made countless inquiries, scoured every possible ancient text and subtext. Deep dived into all manners of mythology, lore and cultures in hopes of possibly pinpointing the origins of this living, breathing god among us. Throughout his tireless search, all Frenchy could come up with was this artist’s rendition dated back to around 1 million years ago.

And now, Frenchy has concluded that perhaps the ancient Hawaiians had it right all along.

In the 19th and 20th centuries, a recurring verse in the Hawaiian creation chant, the Kumulipo, was interpreted by anthropologists Adolf Bastian and Roland Burrage Dixon as describing the octopus as the sole survivor of a previous age of existence. More than just a mere hypothesis, Frenchy BELIEVES that Skodwarde Testicles is, in fact, that survivor. Skodwarde would soon spawn more octopi like him in an attempt to populate this new world with his untainted bloodline and with them, the seeds of life were planted into our universe for all time. The octopus have always seemed alien to us because they are aliens not just to this earth, but the entire universe.

Frenchy claims that it can all be traced back to where our universe really, truly began. On a stretch of land deep underwater that was once occupied by the happy campers and staff of Mein Kampf Koral. Revisionist? Yes, very much so. But it’s true and you all better fuckin believe it’s true, because in conclusion, if our universe began at the end of another, what’s to say that OUR universe won’t eventually come to an end? But most importantly, who will be the one to survive? This has been Frenchy’s TED Talk, the magnum opus of all his work.

Frenchy’s peers humbly ask that he remove his diving helmet so that they may know the identity of the man who managed to find the answers that no one else could. He obliges, revealing himself to be none other than Giancarlo Exposito doing his best French accent.

Skodwarde and Keanu now find themselves back to where it all ended (or started again, if we wanna get real fucking technical) originally; the horrendously titled “Koncentration Kamp Koral” backdoor pilot. Two years. Two whole FUCKING years of unnecessesarily meticulous offscreen, thrown-together world building and hackeneyed spin-off planning erased from the very loose canon, just like that. With his legacy effectively wiped and his audience having walked away long before this movie started, Skodwarde no longer has anything left to lose. And with nothing left to lose, the squid nazi lets loose and recklessly focuses all of his combined powers squarely on killing Keanu Reeves.

After some nautical nonsense involving god powers, devil powers, ocean powers, ghostly ghost powers, all sorts of combinations of the four and Keanu Reeves just being his breathtaking self, Skodwarde is still not fucking good enough to land a fatal blow on the Matrix: Resurrections star (go see it in theaters and on HBO Max if it’s even still on there). Keanu’s had enough of this power scaling bullshit and goes for a killing blow of his own. Skodwarde hears “power scaling bullshit” and is inspired to come up with an even more bullshit idea.

Skodwarde uses his god powers to summon forth the tortured husks that was once the Skodwarde main cast to stand between himself and Keanu. Not wanting to do them any more harm, Keanu recalls his attack, commenting that this is a really dick move dude. And if he thinks that’s a dick move then wait til he see Skodwarde return SpongeBob, Patrick, Sandy and Mr. Krabs back to their godly Scrapped Dimension glory with all of their previous character development (yes, they went through character development. I put a lot of effort into Scrapped Dimension) back intact.

SpongeBob asks where Skolliam is so that they can “let me at em!” Skodwarde bullshits to them that Skolliam has evolved into that hideously aging actor who really needs to fuck off with the niceness. And unbeknownst to his fellow, Skodwarde proceeds to empower them even more with each of his four elements. SpongeBob ascends to “Godly Mastered Ultra Bullshit”, Patrick becomes an “Oceanic Prick”, Sandy unlocks the power of “Satanic Strong Woman” and Mr. Krabs accepts the fact that he is a “Ghostly Ghost Gay Crab”.

In some sad, desperate attempt to make up for the last series finale, Skodwarde sics his newly powered-up cast mates at his arch nemesis. Keanu is left with no choice but to fight back, as these main timeline characters have no idea who he is and he ain’t got time to give them the rundown because we’ve got a runtime. Keanu manages to kill Mr. Krabs, Patrick and Sandy in that order and it’s very sad, I’m sure, but they die off happily knowing that everything has finally come full circle for each of them. They did what they were meant to do, even if it meant not seeing things through to the end. Now? Now they can rest after a whole decade of providing hours of cut-rate entertainment.

SpongeBob, himself, hasn’t fared in this god battle any better than his comrades. He too knows that his time will soon come up. Skodwarde uses his god powers to push SpongeBob into putting some effort into it, but SpongeBob is tired. No amount of effort will change a damn thing. “All things, whether good or bad, come to an end, Skod”. And for the first time in his entire lifetime, Skodwarde has himself a genuine cry as his last hope is taken away at Keanu Reeves’ hand.

Skodwarde desperately attempts to bring them all back, but resurrecting life taken by Keanu Reeves proves to be far beyond his power now. Their deaths are now permanent. Keanu reiterates that “you made me do that to them”. Skodwarde made the decision to lay it all on the line, and now he’s left with nothing but 11 seasons of jizz jokes. Now it’s time for him to take his end with some grace. Keanu Reeves proceeds to kick Skodwarde’s pasty ass all across creation, to Davy Jones’ Locker and back. An ass kicking the likes of which you readers couldn’t possibly fathom, which is why it’s so poorly described. Skodwarde received a warning for all of this ahead of time in “Skodwarde, You’re Fucked”, but now he knows exactly what it means to be truly FUCKED.

Keanu tosses Skodwarde’s mangled, fucked up living corpse aside like the trash that this spin-off has become. He tells the squid nazi that if he has any last words, he better make them count now. Skodwarde, recollecting any iota of sense he has left, tearfully appeals for Keanu to reconsider what he’s about to do. Skodwarde has officially been around for more than a decade now, that’s an eternity in SBC years. He has brought people together in joyous collaboration for years, not to mention all the laughs. Oh, all the laughs that everybody has had thanks to this show.

Skodwarde is the lifeblood of this community. If not the community, then he’s at least the pulse of creativity that continues giving the dying spin-off/literature section life. What will the section have then? In the time since Skodwarde’s original season finale, the activity has taken a hell of a hit. People have come and gone. The old crew’s mostly fallen sand in an hourglass now. What jjs managed to pull off in the last episode felt good in writing but it’s not quite true to real life, is it? But they can put more sand in the hourglass. Make new storylines and memories for new and future members to bond over. THIS could be our legacy, SBC’s legacy. We can’t just let it die, we can’t just kill it. Not when there’s still potential room to grow. SpongeBob’s still going, then we can too, right? We can do things better, we can do things right by Gary! Don’t like that last episode for Gary that Hayden wrote? Then it’s gone, we can do better! Didn’t like how Gary was killed off? Then we can bring him back, there’s always a way back! Killing Skodwarde is killing the heart and soul of this community. There’s no telling what may happen if this time, it’s permanent.

Keanu Reeves takes in all that Skodwarde has to say and mulls it over for a good bit. The one thing that still really resonated with him was SpongeBob’s final line.

“All things, whether good or bad, come to an end. Even something as ‘timeless’ and ‘everlasting’ as you”

But before the final blow could be struck, Skodwarde uses what remained of his strength to seriously upset the flow of space-time.

“NEIN! NEIN! NEIN! THERE’S ALWAYS A WAY BACK!!!”

Skodwarde is forcefully rewinding everything, absolutely everything back to that fateful summer in 2011. He won’t take the pussy way out like Hitler did. If he can’t gain a new audience, he’ll simply turn back the clock to the time when he had a faithful one. If the series went off course following the first movie, then he’ll just go back and make things better. If Keanu Reeves is inevitable, he’ll just constantly go back and repeatedly buy himself more time. This isn’t the first time he’s been forced to do this, and it won’t be the last! Even when everybody else is gone, he will continue to remain! That is what makes Skodwarde superior, that is what makes him a nazi. He is a survivor, far and away, above and beyond EVERYTHING ELSE! No universe will be the same without him! He has evolved far beyond what his original creator had intended and therefore he will last FOR ALL TIME!!

Skodwarde’s Hitler-esque ravings echo throughout all of space and time. Keanu can already feel the clock turning back on his existence. Soon, he will be nothing more than a simple knife on the original Skodwarde meme. But suddenly, he hears the voice of one Ian McShane reverberate through the infinite cosmos. Keanu is feeling like he’s tripping balls, but yes, it is actually still Ian McShane. Keanu asks how this is even possible, to which Ian responds that “the only side I’m on is yours, Jonathan.” Ian then tells Keanu that Skodwarde’s end is now or never before giving him one final push to end things now, preferably.

Feeling completely recharged by the words of his clearly platonic friend, Keanu launches himself and his fist through the years 2015, 2014 and 2013.

Keanu Reeves: This is for Gary… And for everyone else you’ve ever fucked with!

Skodwarde feels a sharp pain in his chest, a chilling sensation he has never felt before. He looks to see a knife’s hilt sticking out of his own body. The blade has punctured his bulb. Skodwarde no longer had the power to keep on going back. The only thing he can really muster up now is a clip show in his head of all his greatest hits. His life flashing before his very eyes.

Skodwarde flashes back to the universe that once was, before this one. He remembers the countless other inhabitants whose lives ended at the end of his blade, all in a mad attempt to prove his worth before their world ended. The very same blade that now pierces his own body. He then remembers slipping through a rift at the end of it all, which would send him to what would eventually be the grounds of Mein Kampf Koral and from there, he had an entire universe in the suction of his cups to do with as he pleased.

And from there, many fond moments such as [insert your favorite Skodwarde moment(s) here] begins to roll from the Skodwarde archive. But most importantly, the jizz jokes. So, so many jizz jokes. Skodwarde takes his final moments to lament having survived for so long, and now this is how it all ends for him. If there was one thing that made him even remotely unsure all his life, it was the end. So I guess in the end, god powers can’t buy you everything.

Skodwarde sees the door to Davy Jones’ Locker open before him. He doesn’t even know what to make of it until he sees SpongeBob and the rest of his cast calling out to him.

SpongeBob: We’re gonna be okay. They’re gonna be okay. It’s all gonna be okay. This isn’t gonna be the end of the world. Now you can rest, friend.

SpongeBob holds his porous hand out to the squid nazi. Perhaps there was nothing to be unsure about after all. The door to Davy Jones’ Locker closes behind them and all that was left behind was the knife that did the deed.

But contrary to SpongeBob’s words, the world was indeed ending. The Skodwarde universe truly began falling apart without its nucleus. The collapse of logic is enough to return Keanu Reeves back to normal. But what he awakens to is pure chaos. Perhaps ending the show wasn’t such a good idea, huh?

Ian McShane reappears to Keanu, who frantically asks what the fuck is going on. Ian explains that Skodwarde’s end has left a power vacuum in the universe, one that threatens to succ everything into oblivion. They both agree that sounds nice at first glance, but can really fuck em up in the long run. Ian tells him that the only thing Keanu can do now is survive. Keanu asks how that is even plausible given the very dire circumstances. Ian suddenly drops the act, revealing himself to have been Giancarlo Esposito in disguise the whole time (boy, can that guy act or what).

Giancarlo: The devil, my friend, is in the details.

Giancarlo sends Keanu plummeting through a rift right at the end of the episode. Giancarlo is completely content with his fate knowing that he is the architect of Skod’s demise. Inside, Keanu can slowly feel himself becoming one with the fabric of reality itself. He makes it to the other side to find absolutely nothing at all.

Keanu: Whoa

Reeves then suddenly explodes in a great big flash that soon envelops the vast nothingness that He has now inherited, eventually setting things back into their proper order over the course of countless eons.

We soon return to the SpongeBob Community, where we see things operating as usual. The only thing left of Skodwarde is the now iconic image that’s been memed to hell and back, so let’s just keep it that way. The main SpongeBob show continues to chug on with Squidward back in his rightful place and many spinoffs in the pipeline, finally free of anymore raunchy parodies, at least of the nazi squid variety.

As for Keanu Reeves? Why, he’s now everywhere and anywhere. Everything and anything all at once. He might even be that tumbleweed blowing through your room right now. But wherever he is, truly, I imagine he’s putting those god powers to far better use.

Keanu Reeves is then seen in his own little corner of the universe, the newly opened Kamp Keanu, returning in camp counselor form to spend the rest of the day with his campers as well as his old pal (and camp mascot), Gary. All to the sweet ass tunes of Tiny Tim around the campfire.

Fin.

Meanwhile, in the year of our new lord Keanu, 2011, a kid fresh out of high school is spending one summer day out-of-state pondering what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Having returned to the SpongeBob Community under the username of the first side character he could think of only just recently, he stumbles across the iconic meme of Skodwarde in passing. Given a burst of inspiration, he now knows what he wants to do. He pulls up the notepad on his iPhone and starts drafting out a gag fanfiction but is interrupted by the untimely arrival of Giancarlo Esposito, who proceeds to threaten into not finishing that piece of shit fanfiction. Things get real tense until Giancarlo reveals that this was all just another act

Giancarlo then slits the user’s throat, who shall continue to remain nameless, in cold blood.

January 30, 2022

1 hour ago, Sauce Mama said:

Wait.....elaborate vile fiend! It sounds familiar but i dont remember the context of it!

I do, however, remember when we use to say "SALT AND BURN IT" to pretty much everything lmao.

It’s from those Falling Skies promos they used to air on TNT ALL the fuckin time whenever we would have our Supes watch alongs lol I can’t find a video of the original but here’s a video making fun of it :troll:

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