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Wumbo

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    Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

    in K-BLUB

    Posted

    So we close off the most difficult era of pop music for me to write about with this one. 1962. A year full of... twisting.

     

    I'm not kidding, there are so many songs about twisting on here, it's insane. I have severely underestimated Chubby Checker's influence on pop music. But anyway, was the music any good? Well... like with most years of its time, the good stuff was great, innovative, and set the stage for years to come. And the bad stuff was... almost alien-like.

    Okay, that's not totally fair. It's from a different era. That doesn't make it alien, just waaay before my time. But still, there's a reason I've struggled with pre-Beatles pop lists, and it's because I just have trouble identifying with a lot of this music. Some of it is good, but the bad stuff is so bad to me that I barely even recognize it as pop music. They truly are artifacts of a time well past us. And without further ado, let's uncover these artifacts in...

    Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1962

    Spoiler

     

    I know this to be true in my heart: if you are any sort of music lover, there lies a special place in your heart reserved for hating Pat Boone.

    10. "Speedy Gonzales" - Pat Boone

     

    Pat Boone, and I do not put this lightly, is what's wrong with white people. He is responsible for so many sanitized, scrubbed, squeaky-clean versions of classic R&B tunes from actual talented artists with an ounce of creativity. And thus, I refuse to give him any credit for anything he does. This song is no different. This may be the most popular version of this song, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Whatever you want to say about "Speedy Gonzales" as a Looney Tunes character, there's at least character to him. Pat Boone sucks that dry with his flavourless mush of a voice. There is nothing good to say about this man, period.

     

    Spoiler

     

    I feel like at this point, I've gone on and on about my reactions to instrumentals hitting the Hot 100. But then again, what haven't I gone on about? So, once again: an instrumental with no story to tell in words has to be damn good and captivating to win my approval. And this... just isn't it.

    9. "Tuff" - Ace Cannon

     

    I... I don't even know what to say. This must have felt like elevator music even back then. But then, what do I know? I wasn't even alive back then. I might just be projecting due to my limited knowledge of this era. ...D'you see what I mean when I say this era is hard to write about??

    What I do know is that this anemic song puts me right the fuck to sleep, but it's also annoying enough that I can't even call it a soothing lullaby. Normally I love a good sax, but this is not a good sax. It's a sick sax and I do hope it gets well soon.

    That's to say nothing of this lack of a beat. It's like only half the backing band decided to show up. But if a crummy sax performance was all they were going to get, then I say the guys that ditched made the right call. Why was this big again?!

     

     

    Spoiler

     

    8. "What's Your Name?" - Don and Juan

     

    This song... makes me seasick. I simply don't like listening to it. It feels like everything is slightly off. And I'd say more, but I feel like no one really cares if I lambast these two any further, because their own Wikipedia article is a stub. That's how much of a legacy they left. That ironically says more than I ever could.

     

     

    Spoiler

     

    7. "Duke of Earl" - Gene Chandler

    You know, I'm aware that a lot of these songs are gonna be silly to some degree. That's the nature of early pop music. But really, is it asking too much to structure your song around something else other than a vocal warmup? No joke. That's the origin story of this song. Gene Chandler warms up with a "do, do, do" and that turned into "do, do, Duke of Earl". I mean, come on. It doesn't help that the rest of this song is sung in this annoying tone that Frankie Valli could only dream of achieving... but more on him later. Bottom line: This is a worthless song with no meaning and no substance, and it doesn't even sound good. What am I supposed to like about it, exactly?

     

    Spoiler

     

    I'm starting to get the feeling that a lot of these bad songs are stupid by design.

    6. "Let Me In" - The Sensations

     

    On the Wikipedia article for this song, it says that it's most memorable for a "weeoo" refrain in the chorus. If that's all your song has going for it, well, something went wrong along the way. A lot of these songs are shorter than your typical pop song these days, but this one certainly feels longer. It's so repetitive and mind-numbing. This is exactly the type of song that people could easily use to brainwash you. Or play in a torture chamber, whatever tickles your fancy. The singer's vocals aren't even good enough to save this. It's just another nothing of a song. Shall I go on?

     

     

    Spoiler

     

    5. "Things" - Bobby Darin

     

    I was listening to this song wondering why it was in my bottom 5... then I got to the chorus where the female background singers strain their vocals to uncomfortable levels to hit high notes. This dopey song isn't worth it, ladies. And honestly, you made it worse. Not much more to say. It's a very simple song that has a very simple reason why it rubbed me the wrong way.

     

    Spoiler

     

     

    In a world of insufferable voices of the early 60s, Frankie Valli has to be one of the very worst. Dude sounds like a two year old having a temper tantrum. So it's only natural that he would show up on this list.

    4. "Sherry" - The Four Seasons

     

    It's hard to quantify exactly which Four Seasons song is the most detestable, mostly because they all sound the same. But this one has to be up there. Frankie Valli is certainly doing his thing, caterwauling over this simple beat. You know, Frankie Valli gets a lot of the attention from me because his voice is so... distinctive, but it's not like the other singers are particularly great either. That guy with the bass voice sounds like the abominable snowman from Looney Tunes.

     

    But as it always does, it comes back to Frankie Valli. He can't really go for any mood other than whiny, petulant toddler, even in a love song. The Four Seasons were right to severely limit his usage later on. But this? Toss it out.

     

    Spoiler

     

    You know, we've come such a long way with women's rights. Still a ways to go, of course, but let's not ruin the progress we've made by taking cues from the early 60s, shall we?

    3. "Johnny Get Angry" - Joanie Summers

     

    You see, fellas, when you get angry at your woman, it just shows that you care for her all that much more! The women don't want a meek man. They want a caveman! There's a Geico commercial that you might like.

    Nah, this is crap that could only have been made in this era. This is some gross pandering gender-role-enforcing shit. Also, there's a kazoo solo. A damn kazoo solo. I think that was the tipping point for me. No kazoos in my Billboard hits. Thank you. If you really want Johnny to get angry, just play this song.

     

    Spoiler

     

    I hate you, Ray Stevens.

    2. "Ahab the Arab" - Ray Stevens

     

    Ray Stevens is what you get when you give Weird Al a frontal lobotomy and take away his musical talent. This song is what it sounds like when your 80-year-old, senile, kinda racist grandfather tries to tell a funny anecdote. Because if it was just racist, that'd be one thing. But it's also rambling and incoherent and it's barely even a fucking song. I cannot believe that even in 1962, the time of garbage novelty hits, this caught fire. And I also can't believe that we continued Ray Stevens' career for at least another decade. Ray Stevens is like if Lil Dicky existed in the 60s. Talentless, meet witless. You can put either one in either slot.

    It's just so infuriating. You have artists who work at their craft, and try to put comedy into their writing. and then there's this asshole, who thinks singing about "AY-RABS" and imitating their language accounts for the same amount of humour. and it gets success. I weep for 1962.

     

    Spoiler

     

    But this year, it comes down to The Chipmunks for the worst song.

    Okay, not The Chipmunks directly, but you listen to this and tell me it's not inspired in some way by them.

    1. "Norman" - Sue Thompson

     

    God damn, this is the same Sue Thompson that performed "Sad Movies (Make Me Cry)", a song from this era I actually liked! What happened between that song and this one, because this is a horrendous step down. Cheesy trumpets, a non-existent chorus, and god, that voice. She really gives Donny Osmond a run for his money. Seriously, this sounds like it was sung by a pre-pubescent boy, and not a particularly good singing one, either. And it's even worse now that I know she can do better. Yet she settled for this. I hope you're happy, Norman. Whoever you are.

     

     

    • Like 5

    Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

    in K-BLUB

    Posted

    All right, so before we get to the requests proper, I want to address this:

    19 hours ago, 4EverGreen said:

    Michael Jackson (haters gonna hate)

    There are ways to address Michael Jackson's controversial legacy, to say the least, with nuance and respect. I don't feel that this cuts it. Whether you think he's innocent or not, these are complicated issues that shouldn't be brushed off by referring to people speaking out against him as "haters". Anyway...

    "Ordinary World": I am baffled by the love this song seems to get. It's really nothing special, guys. I'm not exactly a fan of Simon Le Bon's voice in general and it's not like the song really has much more to offer.

    "I Will Always Love You": Still a classic. Overplay might have killed my love for this one off a little, but it's great all the same.

    "If": Definitely one of Janet's more dynamic songs.

    "I Would Do Anything for Love": It's Meat Loaf, being the meat loafiest he can be. What more can you ask for? (also it got higher than Ordinary World because it's actually interesting.)

    "Cryin'" & "Livin'": Aerosmith didn't exactly have their best years in the 90s, but their songs were still solid enough.

    "I Don't Wanna Fight": Respect to Tina Turner and her powerful voice. There were just other songs I preferred.

    "The River of Dreams": Certainly a... different Billy Joel song. Not to say that I don't like it, it's just... strange.

    "I Have Nothing": Another Whitney ballad. It's about what you expect.

    "Rain": It's... okay? Madonna has certainly done better, even this year.

    "Will You Be There": Luckily, Michael Jackson didn't have to feature in my best list this year as his song for Free Willy wasn't very good. Go figure.

    "7": A lot of 80s artists had difficulty staying relevant in 19893, and sadly Prince was one of them. This is still decent enough, but it's surely not A-list Prince material.

    "Bad Boys": Really no better choice for a reggae-inflicted theme song for Cops.

    "Three Little Pigs": Look, you don't need me to tell you that this song is concentrated AWESOME. #11 is still pretty damn good, all things considered.

    "All That She Wants": Combine the fact that 1994 really didn't have many bad songs and that this song isn't... terrible that it went up so high.

    "What About your Friends": TLC still had some growing up to do before I could take their music seriously. 1995 would be much better for them.

    "If I Had No Loot": Definitely an interesting song. "Feels Good" is my preferred Tony Toni Tone.

    "Come Undone": This Duran Duran song I at least get the appeal for. But again, it's nothing too special.

    "What's Up?": Kinda annoying, kinda endearing? I dunno, I'm torn on this one. What's up with that?

    "Dre Day": Given that half the song is Dre and Snoop telling other rappers to eat dicks... uh, yeah, consider this a lesser cut from The Chronic.

    "Rebirth of Slick": All Style, No Substance: The Song.

    Anyway, only six of these left to go. And there's only one year left that I've been actively dreading, and you should all know why once I reveal it...

    1962

    Hello, Early 60s. We meet again... for the last time.

    Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

    in K-BLUB

    Posted

    Today is a good day... to be reviewing songs I like.

     

    See what I did there? See it? Ahh, I'm clever. Anyway, yeah! 1993: The Good Side. There was actually a lot of good stuff to be had about this year, and I'm here to tell it to you. So let's do one big last kiss goodbye to the 90s with...

    Wumbo's Top 10 Hits of 1993

    Spoiler

     

     

    The #1 song of 1993. Probably one of the biggest songs ever of the 90s. Whitney Houston. A legendary singer with her most famous song of all time.

    ...

    I like the dance cover better.

    10. "I'm Every Woman" - Whitney Houston

     

    We've come across my love for Whitney Houston's dance songs before. There's a pop diva in there somewhere, and I love love love when she brings it out in her music. This was a perfect cover for her to do, almost too perfect. It's obvious that Whitney has huge respect for the ladies that came before her, even name-dropping Chaka Khan in her cover. And maybe this isn't quite as soulful and lush as the original. But for 90s dance... well, everything else was so sterile or just plain stupid, so I'll take what I can get. And any time Whitney wants to let her hair down and let loose with her music is fine by me.

     

     

    Spoiler

     

    COME ON AND

    9. "Slam" - Onyx

     

    Huh. This isn't the song I was thinking of. Oh well, still damn good.

    Onyx are a hip hop group from Queens who specialized in this kind of offbeat, hardcore hip hop sound. You certainly wouldn't mistake their raspy growling rap for anyone else. And that's what I like about 'em. It's damn insane the way they switch up their flows and how captivating they are. This is right around when gangsta rap was starting to take over, and I'm so glad it made songs like this actually get popular. Still no love for the Wu-Tang, though. They ain't nothin' to fuck with.

    And of course, the beat work is stellar. You can thank the late Jam Master Jay for this rocking tune. Onyx never got to total big-name status like their fellow (?) rappers Ice Cube and Dr. Dre did (more on them later), but they provided an interesting flavour to the conversation in their own right. And one kickass song to remember them  by. SLAM!

     

    Spoiler

     

    But y'know, all that moshing can get tiresome after awhile. What say we chill out for a little bit, hmm?

    8. "Looking Through Patient Eyes" - P.M. Dawn

     

    You gotta love P.M. Dawn. They were the type of group to do what Seal was doing in the early 90s, only with more mainstream appeal and, I'd argue, better. Not to knock Seal or anything, but Prince Be simply has the better voice for this style of music. A light, airy sort of voice that just sails through this lush production.

    I've decided I love this group. And nothing can stop me from saying otherwise. You'd think this would lead up to a joke of some kind, but no. I'm just left blissful by this song. Truly an experience to behold.

     

     

    Spoiler

     

    7. "Hip Hop Hooray" - Naughty by Nature

     

    HEEEEY... HOOOOOO.... sorry, what were we doing? Oh yeah, reviewing the song.

    I.. uh... I'm kind of at a loss for this one, sorry. you just gotta feel it, and I do. I am truly sorry if you don't. But I give props to hip hop, so hip hop hooray... hoooo... heeeey...damnit , there I go again.

    What can I say? You'll have to excuse me for this one. I'm just going to jam out. I can't analyze this. What, like I'm some bigwig music critic? This song slaps. That's all ya need.

     

    Spoiler

     

    It's Mariah Carey. It's the early 90's. You know what's coming.

    6. "Dreamlover" - Mariah Carey

     

    "Dreamlover", and the album it came off of, Music Box, actually marked a pretty huge departure from Carey's earlier work. Failing to live up the expectations of her first album with Emotions, Carey and her crew opted for a more pop-oriented approach. And it worked, guiding her career for the rest of the 90s at least. Now, I love all shades of Mariah Carey. But I can't deny that this sort of bubbly pop song is especially fun coming from her. Mariah Carey has the pipes to carry (ha-ha) any song. So it makes sense that she would go the pop route, with all sorts of tones to her voice, including whistle register in the background. It just... comes together so well. This feel slike great 90s summer music. And Mariah Carey would continue her fruitful career from here. But we knew that already. God, I love this woman's music so much. Such a joy.

     

    Spoiler

     

    Aw, yeah. Take me back to the vibes of 1993, two years before I was born. With its G-Funk beats and its misogynistic tones... wait, hold up.

    5. "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang" - Dr. Dre

     

    Yep. This is the song. This is the one that really got people into a tizzy over hip hop. Because this was bonafide mainstream now, not just on the fringes of mainstream. And it was hard, and raunchy, and contained some... morally questionable lyrics. Pimpin' hoes and delivering "smack downs" to "bitches" and... yikes.

    And I can't say I don't understand the concern. But at the same time, the vibes of this song are so laid-back and cool. I can't help but jam along. Dr. Dre really knows his way around a beat, and this has to be one of his most iconic. It slides along effortlessly, with enough bounce to keep things interesting. And as an intro to Snoop Doggy Dogg, this song succeeds as well, setting him up for his own success later. What can I say? I dig it. So just chill until the next episode.

     

    Spoiler

     

    If you can find someone who can resist this song, let me just say they are a stronger man than I. And that I probably despise them.

    4. "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" - The Proclaimers

     

    I mean, c'mon, how can you not love this song? Well, I guess if you hated Scottish accents, this would not be the song for you. But still, come on.

    This song actually ends up being a better crowd anthem than most of the songs trying to bite from "Jump Around"'s formula. That "DA DA DA!" works wonders for a crowd's spirit, and honestly, the whole song is easy to sing along with. Just do your best Shrek impression, memorize the lyrics following a simple formula, and there ya go. DA DA DA!

    I love the shit out of this song. It is the ultimate party song of this year. It's so fun and carefree and earnest. You really believe they would walk 500 miles, and then 500 more, just to be the man... well, you know it. It's a fun, catchy-as-hell song, and I'm so glad to see it here. Walk on.

     

    Spoiler

     

    By now, you should probably know about my penchant for the Gin Blossoms. So this should come as no surprise. Let's go!

    3. "Hey Jealousy" - Gin Blossoms

     

    This was the best rock song of the year. And it wasn't very close, either.

    It's the only one this year that had that drive and energy that made me love it to pieces. Some rock songs were still good - no, the Three Little Pigs song did not make this list, though it was close - but this one was better. Something about the pairing of morose, depressing lyrics with upbeat guitar tones and a fast pace just works for me. It's an infectious combination that hits all sides of my musical brain. And the Gin Blossoms pull it off effortlessly.

    What can I say? I've been a fan of the Gin Blossoms for this long, no real reason to stop now. This might be one of my favourites they've ever done, honestly. It is just so mind-numbingly catchy. It definitely deserves a spot on this list, and would be #1 were it not for two rap songs that just edged it out.

     

    Spoiler

     

     

    I've talked about "Jump Around" often on these two lists, and it's because, well, I'm really excited that Todd did an episode requested by me (psst, check it out). But also because it proved to be highly influential on the music of '93. So much rap that wasn't doing its own thing seemed to be taking bites of "Jump Around" and using it in their own music. Whether that be the raucous yelling or the crowd chants, everybody wanted a piece of "Jump Around". But for my money, this song did it the best.

    2. "Insane in the Brain"  - Cypress Hill

     

    I mean, it seems inevitable when you get the same guy doing the same beat. Nevertheless, this song obviously gets the best "Jump Around" energy for me. And part of that is the rest of Cypress Hill adding their own flavour to this beat. Gotta love those tones and inflections. And that hook is more catchy than any of those shitty dance songs. I would sooner dance to this than "Whoomp" any day of the week.

    It's hard to quantify just how good this song is. For me, it even surpasses "Jump Around". Heresy, I know. But I've always loved this song to death. Cypress Hill do a great job working with the beat and their many, many samples. It's immortal in exactly the same way "Jump Around" was, and a true staple of rap music in '93.

    Just one more to go.

     

    Spoiler

     

    It's Ice Cube.

    1. "Check Yo Self" - Ice Cube ft. Das EFX

     

    It's pretty amazing to see the long-lasting impact of NWA's rap career, even making it to the point of two of their members having long-lasting, successful rap careers in their own right. And for me, Ice Cube edges out Dr. Dre here. And there's one big reason: that sample.

     

    I'll go on the record to say that Grandmaster Flash's "The Message" is one of the all-time great hip hop songs, and that beat is a main reason why. It is absolutely an immortal beat that has been sampled and sampled again, but none so better than here. Ice Cube effortlessly glides across this beat, upgrading the slower rap style of Melle Mel and adapting the beat to fit his own flow. so for me, there's really no question as to what can be at the top here. Ice Cube plus an immortal beat is just the greatest thing that we could get out of 1993. And if you don't agree, then check yourself before you wreck yourself.

     

     

    Full List:

    Spoiler

     

    1. "Check Yo Self" - Ice Cube ft. Das EFX

    2. "Insane in the Brain" - Cypress Hill

    3. "Hey Jealousy" - Gin Blossoms

    4. "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" - The Proclaimers

    5. "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang" - Dr. Dre

    6. "Dreamlover" - Mariah Carey

    7. "Hip Hop Hooray" - Naughty by Nature

    8. "Looking Through Patient Eyes" - P.M. Dawn

    9. "Slam" - Onyx

    10. "I'm Every Woman" - Whitney Houston

    11. "Three Little Pigs" - Green Jellÿ

    12. "I Will Always Love You" - Whitney Houston

    13. "If" - Janet Jackson

    14. "Two Princes" - Spin Doctors

    15. "I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)" - Meat Loaf

    16. "Mr. Wendal" - Arrested Development

    17. "Cryin'" - Aerosmith

    18. "What Is Love" - Haddaway

    19. "Livin' on the Edge" - Aerosmith

    20. "That's What Love Can Do" - Boy Krazy

    21. "I Don't Wanna Fight" - Tina Turner

    22. "Ditty" - Paperboy

    23. "Here We Go Again!" - Portrait

    24. "Bed of Roses" - Bon Jovi

    25. "The River of Dreams" - Billy Joel

    26. "I Have Nothing" - Whitney Houston

    27. "Bad Boys" (theme from Cops) - Inner Circle

    28. "I'd Die Without You" - P.M. Dawn

    29. "Give It Up, Turn It Loose" - En Vogue

    30. "Alright" - Kris Kross

    31. "Real Love" - Mary J. Blige

    32. "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You" - Sting

    33. "Anniversary" - Tony! Toni! Toné!

    34. "Deeper and Deeper" - Madonna

    35. "Right Here" - SWV

    36. "Runaway Train" - Soul Asylum

    37. "To Love Somebody" - Michael Bolton

    38. "Rhythm is a Dancer" - Snap!

    39. "Show Me Love" - Robin S.

    40. "Boom! Shake the Room" - DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince

    41. "7" - Prince and The New Power Generation

    42. "Break It Down Again" - Tears for Fears

    43. "It Was a Good Day" - Ice Cube

    44. "Sweat (A La La La La Long)" - Inner Circle

    45. "I Get Around" - 2Pac

    46. "If I Had No Loot" - Tony! Toni! Toné!

    47. "Come Undone" - Duran Duran

    48. "Faithful" - Go West

    49. "What's Up?" - 4 Non Blondes

    50. "Can't Get Enough of Your Love" - Taylor Dayne

    51. "One Woman" - Jade

    52. "More and More" - Captain Hollywood Project

    53. "Angel" - Jon Secada

    54. "Again" - Janet Jackson

    55. "Do You Believe in Us" - Jon Secada

    56. "Rain" - Madonna

    57. "Just Kickin' It" - XScape

    58. "Hey Mr. D.J." - Zhané

    59. "Dre Day" - Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Doggy Dogg

    60. "Good Enough" - Bobby Brown

    61. "A Whole New World" - Peabo Bryson and Regina Belle

    62. "One Last Cry" - Brian McKnight

    63. "Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)" - Digable Planets

    64. "I'm So Into You" - SWV

    65. "Knockin' da Boots" - H-Town

    66. "Will You Be There" - Michael Jackson

    67. "Fields of Gold" - Sting

    68. "When She Cries" - Restless Heart

    69. "All That She Wants" - Ace of Base

    70. "Freak Me" - Silk

    71. "That's The Way Love Goes" - Janet Jackson

    72. "I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)" - Exposé

    73. "Comforter" - Shai

    74. "Reason to Believe" - Rod Stewart

    75. "Two Steps Behind" - Def Leppard

    76. "The Right Kind of Love" - Jeremy Jordan

    77. "Another Sad Love Song" - Toni Braxton

    78. "Baby I'm Yours" - Shai

    79. "What About Your Friends" - TLC

    80. "Rump Shaker" - Wreckx-n-Effect

    81. "Don't Walk Away" - Jade

    82. "If I Ever Fall in Love" - Shai

    83. "I Got a Man" - Positive K

    84. "Informer" - Snow

    85. "Weak" - SWV

    86. "In the Still of the Nite" - Boyz II Men

    87. "Love Is" - Vanessa Williams and Brian McKnight

    88. "Forever in Love" - Kenny G

    89. "Ordinary World" - Duran Duran

    90. "Lately" - Jodeci

    91. "Saving Forever for You" - Shanice

    92. "Whoomp! (There It Is)" - Tag Team

    93. "How Do You Talk to an Angel" - The Heights

    94. "Have I Told You Lately" - Rod Stewart

    95. "Ooh Child" - Dino

    96. "Cat's in the Cradle" - Ugly Kid Joe

    97. "Dazzey Duks" - Duice

    98. "Whoot, There It Is" - 95 South

    99. "Can't Help Falling in Love" - UB40

    100. "Nothin' My Love Can't Fix" - Joey Lawrence

     

     

    • Like 4

    Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

    in K-BLUB

    Posted

    To close out the weird and wonderful decade that is the 90s, we've got ourselves a year that is... honestly, probably in the middle of the pack when it comes to the year-end charts. Not quite on the level of '94 or '96, but also not on the level of something like the early 90s, either. There's a lot of good... and also a lot of bad. And as always, we're lookin' at both, starting with...

    Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1993

    Spoiler

     

    Okay, so we're gonna start things off right with some boring R&B. And ooh boy, there was a lot to choose from in 1993. So many Boyz II Men wannabes... sooo many. So it does feel wrong that the entry I chose for this list is... by a woman.

    10. "Saving Forever for You" - Shanice

     

    Of all the R&B released this year, this is the one that I cared about the least. It had the least personality, the least distinctiveness, and it was probably also the worst. This is C-List R&B at best. At least those who were ripping off Boyz II Men did a somewhat half-decent job. Meanwhile, Shanice goes for Janet Jackson and sucks all the fun and personality out of her. And - this is the really sad part - she's much better than this!

     

    This is her hit single from the year before, "I Love Your Smile". And I liked it! It was fun, peppy, and upbeat - everything this song is not. It was the R&B song this year I would most consider skipping. Hell, the video doesn't even seem interested in the song itself. It keeps talking over it. Which, honestly, probably happened naturally since this song is such a pile of nothing. Next!

     

    Spoiler

     

    "Hey, 95 South, can I copy off your work?"

    "Okay, sure man, but just make sure to change it up so-"

    9. "Whoomp! (There It Is)" - Tag Team

     

    Interesting song, this. Interesting in that it totally ripped off a song released a month earlier and got bigger than that song. Now, this is nothing new in pop culture. But you'd at least think it would be good if it made it as high as #2. Alas, that was not to be.

    This is no "Jump Around", folks. This is a low-effort crowd jam if I've ever heard one. It feels like a Eurodance song without the hook, which is how a lot of these songs feel, honestly. A chant that thinks it's much catchier than it actually is, add a bunch of nothingburger lyrics to fill space, and... well, whoomp, there it is.

    No, I never liked this song. It's just a waste of space. Real music should fill the space that this occupies. It kind of hurts me to listen to it like it's actual music. I can't sign off on this at all. Quality, there it isn't.

     

     

    Spoiler

     

    8. "How Do You Talk to an Angel" - The Heights

     

    Yeesh. The Partridge Family for Gen X. What the hell was anyone thinking with this shit?

    I don't really think this one's worth the words I'm typing out. It is the cheesiest and lamest of cheesy lame love songs. This feels like leftover gunk that should have been kept in a vault from five years ago. And yeah, this was on the '92 list too. Because 1993 doesn't have as much outright crap as that list did, this song now gets to make its debut on a worst list proper. Yay?

    God, send this back to the dregs of 1989 where it belongs. Nothing about this is good, no matter how many guitar and sax solos you want to awkwardly cram in there. A waste of guitar and sax, this song is. Next!

     

     

    Spoiler

     

    7. "Have I Told You Lately" - Rod Stewart

     

    Ugggggghhhhhh.

    Come on, Rod. Try a little harder than this. This is you in Sleep Mode, I'm sure. I know you're literally one year away from doing that collab with Bryan Adams and Sting we all know and love, but couldn't you at least give us one last gas of hope before that happens? Not this limpdick, nothing cover of a Van Morrison song? Jesus.

    I don't even know what to say here, this is simply not trying. Not trying from an artist who knows he can do better than this.

     

    Spoiler

     

     

    If you don't like the song  "Ooh Child", I strongly recommend you re-examine your life and find out exactly when you lost your soul. This is truly one of the most uplifting soul songs there is, made expressly with the purpose of bringing joy to people's otherwise dull and drab lives! "Ooh child, things are gonna get easier." Who wouldn't love a message like that?

    Well, apparently Dino didn't! And he chose to exact his revenge in the most damning way possible: by releasing a terrible cover.

    6. "Ooh Child" - Dino

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oq5UIwsM96w

    It seems that terrible cover songs are this part of the list's bread and butter. We have come across many a terrible cover song in our quest to search for the worst. But this is easily one of the most contemptible, coming from a nobody who somehow had another hit in 1989 that was almost as awful. But at least you could laugh at that. Well, I suppose I can still laugh at this. But it's a rueful laugh more than anything.

    Like, wow. You really did just decide to suck all the soul out of this classic, didn't you? I guess that's what happens when you have no talent, fluke a hit somehow, and are desperately trying to keep your streak of being relevant alive. Dino. You should have stayed a Flintstones character, damn it! Would have caused less damage that way.

    Oh, god, there's a rapping part. No, turn it off, turn it off. Next one. Please.

     

    Spoiler

     

    So, on the topic of cover songs...

     

    Theoretically, if a band covers a song that I don't like in the first place, then it shouldn't be as much of a loss, right? I never liked the song to begin with, so there's nothing to ruin, right? Well... you all underestimate the power of Ugly Kid Joe.

    5. "Cat's in the Cradle" - Ugly Kid Joe

     

    Jesus. Ugly Kid Joe really sums it up, doesn't it? This is an ugly, ugly band. exactly like that kid who no one wanted to talk to in school. Um, social exclusion is bad, kids. But it's an apt comparison. I don't want to touch these guys with a ten foot pole.

    I don't understand how these guys had any sort of career after 1992. This style of music was passé by then, unless you were a mega-star of the genre like Bon Jovi. And Ugly Kid Joe were no Bon Jovi.

    So what we get from these guys in '93 is a terrible cover of a pretty wretched and overwrought song. Why did they even choose to cover this? What does an ugly hair metal band have to add to the conversation of a dad not making time for his son, and then the tables being turned? This isn't like Skid Row, where the problems they sang about actually matched the tone of the song. The tone is completely off. Even though I don't like Harry Chapin's version either, his tone fit. You were supposed to do this in a morose, folksy kind of way, sound like you had experience in your voice. These clowns sound like they haven't matured past the second stage of this very song. They shouldn't be singing it. Or anything, for that matter. But finally, hair metal would meet its well-deserved death in '94, and we never had to hear from these guys again. Good fucking riddance. Ugh.

     

     

    Spoiler

     

    4. "Dazzey Duks" - Duice

     

    I like to think that I'm not above silly club jams. But oh boy, did this year test my patience. For those of you who claim rap is stupid now, just take a look at this. I mean, my god. 1993 had no shortage of ass anthems, and this is certainly one of them. But it also gets insufferably stupid when they kick it up a notch and start rapping about a specific article of clothing. One that they either couldn't get the rights to use in their own title, or just plain couldn't spell, neither of which bodes well for the song.

    Beyond that, it's just so by-the-numbers and obnoxious. This is no "Whoomp, There It Is", let's make that clear. The guy belts the hook of this song like he's in pain, and it just keeps going on over and over again. "COME ON BABYYYY..." like dude, take a rest.

    I'm just so done with these stupid songs. I like to have fun as much as the next guy, but this isn't fun. This is boring, lame, and obnoxious. What's next?

     

     

    Spoiler

     

    3. "Whoot, There It Is" - 95 South

     

    You know, just because you did it first doesn't mean you did it best. 95 South walked so Tag Team could run, it seems.

    I just... it's the same song. Over and over. Obnoxious, earsplitting vocals on the hook, checklists of famous cities, and an unhealthy obsession with booty. Maybe one ass anthem a year is all we need. Or maybe "Baby Got Back" was all we needed to begin with. Sir Mix-a-Lot this is not.

    Such a dumb song. This took up the spot of another song that could have made the chart. The poor man's "Whoomp, There It Is". Think about that.

     

    Spoiler

     

    And as always, you can't have a worst list without these guys.

    2. "Can't Help Falling in Love" - UB40

     

    In case you had any doubt in your mind that these guys sucked, allow me to relinquish that doubt once and for all. These guys suuuuucked.

    Usually in exactly the same way, too. By covering (again with the covers, Christ!) some old soul song from the 50s or 60s and turning it into this cod-reggae mess that sounds as white as possible. This is actually probably one of the "better" UB40 performances, which means it's just terrible as opposed to infuriatingly bad. Ali Campbell still sounds like garbage, as to be expected, but there's some restraint taken. I can respect that, at least.

    What I can't respect is UB40 building an entire career off of crappy cover after crappy cover. This is so chintzy and lame it sounds like a discount Caribbean hotel's house band. Time for UB40 to 23-skidoo.

     


     

    Spoiler

     

    And to close off this terrible list, here's a bad idea 99% of the time: let the actor sing! This one's gonna hurt, isn't it? Earplugs ready?

    1. "Nothin' My Love Can't Fix" - Joey Lawrence

     

    Oof. This is even worse than I could have imagined. How did we let this guy get a singing career again?

    You know, just because actors want to sing doesn't mean you have to let them. Especially, when, you know, they can't sing. At all. Seriously, this is just sad. You can tell he's going for the same sort of swagger that new jack swing artists  of yesteryear had, while still trying to maintain that clean-cut white boy appeal. This guy's no Boyz II Men, and he ain't no David Cassidy either. He's the terrible mix of both worlds.

    And he's just so untalented. I get secondhand embarrassment from listening to this. In fact, I feel like I shouldn't be listening to this. This feels like a demo tape from someone's first singing audition for a record company that was never meant to see the light of day. Aren't we lucky?

    I can't imagine this was all 1993 had to offer. Really? We let this make the hit list? On B-List name recognition at best? I'm disappointed in you, 1993. Go home, shape up, and come back with some better hits for the best list. Christ.

     

     

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