The Many Experiences of Patrick Star

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Episode 1

Patrick Star was not the sharpest knife in the drawer by any means. Said to be special a little slow, and in some cases just plain dumb. In fact, he was Bikini Bottom royalty according to an old historical document brought to light by a Servant of the town’s noble family. The same sheet stated that Gary was the king of Bikini Bottom, and his cousin. Which was rather confusing since there was a Mayor as well and King Neptune of the seas.

By any means they could both be members of Neptune’s court. If either of them actually cared , that is. Anyway, the point was that relatives stuck by each other in times of need. Like today.

Patrick woke up like he would any other morning, but of course being the holder of the award for the person who went longer doing nothing than anyone else, tried to go right back to sleep. But this time, a lion roared deep inside his chest. And being the dimwit he was, he automatically assumed there was a real Sea Lion inside his chest and panicked. Frightened, he started throwing punches that had the same force as the charging Rhino from James and the Giant Peach- but who liked that movie anyway? So, he threw punches harder than a raging elephant on steroids.

Then he fell, clutching his stomach in pain. “Ugh”, he muttered. “Maybe I can calm the sea lion by feeding it.” To any others than would’ve been a funny excuse to get food, but not for this particular undersea dweller. He went to where any normal citizen would keep their food in the house: the sock drawer. Sadly, it was empty.

After one or two hard seconds of brainstorming, he had an idea. (Usually it takes much longer but this was a special case) “It’s risky, daring, and unlikely, but it just might work!” He went straight to his refrigerator.

That yielded no results, unless you consider air to be food. Which you probably don’t. Patrick’s fictional lion that had started living in his belly today roared once more. Patrick had another great idea to get another idea.

He went to his bathroom, flicked the lightswitch, and stood directly beneath the actual lightbulb. It was something he’d seen on TV. After waiting a few seconds, he had it. “I got it! To the Bargain Mart!”

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Thanks, you two for liking it.

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Episode 2

Patrick pushed up the hinges of his brown, oversized rock and walked out. Squidward’s bike was gone, and Spongebob’s house was silent, so he knew they’d left for work. Not once did he consider the idea of going there to get a Krabby Patty, he was set on going to the Bargain Mart.

He knew where to go, he just walked on the streets of Bikini Bottom with an intense, focused expression on his face. A little boy nudged his father’s hand and pointed. The father pushed the hand down. “It’s rude to stare.” But when he saw Patrick, it was hard to suppress a giggle.

Patrick didn’t notice, and kept marching, oblivious to their taunts. Eventually he reached the door of the Bargain Mart, pushed it open so hard the glass doors fell over. The cashier on duty ran over to the starfish and said “Stop!” Pff. Like that would work. Patrick hunted down the sweets aisle and shoved donuts down his throat, and then when he ran out, ate dozens of cakes and candy.

The cashier called 911 on his cell phone, and when the police arrived, they had to use four men to get Patrick to the squad car. Patrick didn’t mind, the lion had stopped roaring. But the next thing he knew, he was at the station. Before he was placed into a cell and given his sentence by a local judge who came by to evaluate new criminal’s misdoings, he was handed a phone.

“You can make one call, that’s it.” That statement came from Officer Nancy. Patrick hesitated, searching into the inner depths of his mind, which wasn’t very deep. Then he remembered the number he needed. “580-2777-238”, he mumbled while pressing the dials. Nancy raised an eyebrow. “Say, isn’t that the Krusty Krab?”

Squidward picked up the phone. “Hello, this is the Krusty Krab and I’d rather be anywhere else. How can I help you?”

“Squidward! It’s me, Pat! I’m in jail and I need to talk to Spongebob!”

Squidward laughed, hesitated, and then asked. “What was your crime?”

“I don’t know, they haven’t told me!”

Nancy snatched the phone. “He ate tons of food at the Bargain Mart and destroyed property. And by eating tons of food, we mean without paying.”

Patrick grabbed the phone back. “Give the phone to Spongebob, Squiddy!” Squidward sighed and told Spongebob there was someone on the phone for him. At least that was mildly amusing.

“Spongebob! I need you to come pick me up from jail, I don’t have any money to pay the bail! Hey, that rhymes, heehee.” Spongebob’s eyes widened. “Sorry, Patrick, I really wish I could but I can't leave work! I’ll get Gary to go pick you up. Bye, pal!” And he ended the conversation with a button. This monster patty wasn’t going to make itself.

He quickly called Gary at his house, explained the situation and hang up with “I love you, see you soon, bye!” Gary sighed, and set off. Slowly. Slowly.. Slowly… Crawling, inching… He went through the snail door Spongebob had built a few days ago.

He would be a few hours, but he’d be there. You know, maybe after a few dozen rest breaks. Yeah.

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New episodes will be posted daily, as in once per day, if I get the chance. I have the next two ready in advance.

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Episode 3

Gary the Snail was a King. Kings, don’t get ‘caught’ by stray animal catchers. He hissed at the green fish in a blue outfit who kept trying to capture him with a net, and turned up his speed enough to walking pace, which for him, was sprinting. He could see it up ahead… He hoped he hadn’t kept Patrick waiting, he didn’t have a watch, obviously.

“Almost gotcha! Now I… Come on, slow down! I, GET IN THE NET!” The dogcatcher was somehow more tired than Gary. The snail made a mental note. From now on, whenever leaving the house alone, wear an id collar so you don’t have to deal with idiots like this. He spun around, went for the man’s leg, and gave it a tiny nip. Mr. ‘I promote animal Slavery’ started hopping on one foot, yelling in pain. The passerby just laughed at him.

Gary pushed open the doors to the Station with his body, and walked right in. When the Secretary opened his mouth, he was interrupted before he’d even started by an irritated hiss that said ‘I don’t have time for this’. The Secretary’s mouth shut as quickly as it opened. The stupid Guards didn’t even notice him as Gary crawled right under them to the holding room.

BANG! BANG! BANG! Gary assumed Patrick was trying to break the jail bars, which he really should be able too. Upon turning around the corner, he realized what was really going on. Patrick was banging his head against the stone wall. Figures.

Officer Nancy noticed Garold Wilson Jr. and raised a black baton. Gary retreated into his shell and got out 200$ from his wallet (he was paid a monthly salary by the Noble’s Servants Society, NSS.), threw it at the floor, and meowed to Patrick.

Patrick immediately stopped the head banging. “Hey Gary! What are you doing here? Oh, let me guess! You robbed a bank! You’re a bank robber, aren’t you?” Gary rolled his eyes, seized the keys from Nancy’s belt as she counted up the money, climbed up the bars, and inserted the correct key, and finally, turned it. The door swung open. Patrick swooped up Gary and laid him on his shoulders. Gary purred and closed his eyes. He could use the rest, this was definitely a good thank you. Patrick patted his head. “Thanks, Pal.” He started to walk off, before Nancy called out. “Don’t’ forget! You still got to come to court in four days!”

Gary filed that away in his mind just in case Patrick would forget, as he probably would.

“Now how about, before I take you home, we stop by the pet store and get some snail kibble? Turns out, I have 30$ in my pocket!” He whispered to his little meowing companion. Gary nodded eagerly, and decided that it was true, doing good things do get rewards.

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Episode 4

Patrick walked down the street with a sleeping snail on his right shoulder. Little Garold was completely content to not move at all, with his full stomach of kibble of the highest quality.

When the gentle but firm starfish arrived home, well technically, Spongebob’s home, Gary was a little reluctant to part. Thankfully, Spongebob had arrived home from work early due to Mr. Krabs getting a major headache.

Spongebob smiled as he held Gary in his arms. “Thanks for seeing him home, Pat. When’s the trial, by the way?”

Patrick thought long and hard about this and started a combo of ‘Uhh’ and drooling. Gary assessed the situation and meowed. Spongebob understood. “Three days? Got it. I’ll be your lawyer, I’ve been a great one before.” He commented while recalling the time Plankton had sued Mr. Krabs and took him to court.

Patrick went home that night without processing anything Spongebob had said. He pulled a red blanket over his body, slipped on his special nightcap (it was something he’d worn since he was a baby when he went to sleep, it was comforting and he couldn’t doze off without it at nighttime), and quickly fell into a dream filled sleep.

There was a smudge of blue in his vision. Then it grew, and then, AH THAT’S HIDEOUS oh no wait, it was only Squidward’s face. “Do not eat a vat of mayonnaise, Patrick. Do not eat Squidward’s private vat of mayonnaise… You will regret it!” It echoed this over and over.

When Patrick woke up the next morning, the first thing that occurred to him was Squidward has a vat of mayonnaise? Alright!