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MMM
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Posts posted by MMM
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I still remember when this footage was accidentally broadcast on the evening news. Very disturbing.
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III. Hired
The next day, when Gary went to work, a pitch meeting was being held for the episode “Lemons out of Lemonade”. Everyone in the crew was in attendance, so when the pitch was done, and notes were given, Gary slowly raised his hand, as everyone started to look at him.
“Okay, well, about this rock problem we’ve been having.” Gary said, nervously pulling the rocks out of his pocket.
Eyebrows raised in hope and anxiousness.
“I found these rocks on the bus yesterday,” he continued, “I think they might be good for us”.
Stephen Hillenburg went over to Gary, took the rocks, and examined them closely. After a while, a subtle smile formed on his face. He took the rocks over to a small group of suits sitting in a corner of the room, inaudibly telling them something. The suits inaudibly told him something back, and then Steve went over to Gary again.
“This just might work” Steve said, to the cheers of many. “The execs say to come back with these tomorrow”.
“Will do, sir”. Gary replied, happier than everyone else.
That night, Gary came back to his apartment, and the rocks finally woke up. Gary had put them in a small muslin bag, so they all started to freak out, kicking at the bag, eventually pushing it off Gary’s bedside table.
Gary went in, and put the bag back up. The rocks kicked the bag over, and the cycle repeated a few more times. Eventually, Gary got so tired of this, he held up the bag, and looked at it right in it’s muslin.
“Alright, you…bag.” Gary spoke, chuckling through his words. “I need to take your contents to work tomorrow, so you better stay put. I’m trying to make dinner here”.
As Gary walked away, the rocks began to think. Work? Food? Maybe, just maybe, they were in the right place. They weren’t sure if they should reveal their sentience, because they didn’t know about the ins and outs of the typical human reactions to talking rocks, but on the other hand, they would need to communicate.
Gary opened the door to Nickelodeon the next day to see the suits waiting for him on the lobby.
“Come with us.”, one of them said, quickly.
Gary pulled out the rocks, and gave them to the suits, who took them down to a sound stage. On the stage was a large version of the ocean floor backdrop, an ocean ripple effect just above that was being created by analog machinery, and there was a semi-automatic titling system in the next room that would display the credits as the shoot was going on, which means there were also a lot of wires on the stage. ‘Course, the titling system wasn’t the most functional piece, putting it lightly, and would need consistent live feed to do it’s job, but the budget was already spent on the analog machinery, so everyone would just have to work with it.
The suits were bringing the rocks down to their positions, when all of a sudden, Ed coughed.
“Who was that?” a suit asked, panicked.
“Me.”, the rock replied.
“SWEET JESUS!” the suits exclaimed, dropping all the rocks on the floor.
The place was silent for a while, until an “Oops” from Ed rang out.
“Can..all of you…talk?, a suit asked.
The rocks all began to murmur differently worded answers about New Zealand, before being cut off by a suit asking, “Lemme guess, you wanna be paid, too?”.
“Um…yes.” Tim replied.
The suits began to sigh loudly.
“…we will get the money at a later date. Promise”, said one.
The rocks nodded in agreement, before assuming their famous positions on the sandy floor. As humming, hot studio lights and a large camera shined over them, things felt pretty good.
When the rocks were ready, the camera began rolling, and “Hawaiian Train” by Victor Cavini began to play over the sound system. However, at the end, Ed coughed again. Okay, so, take 2. During take 2, Jean wasn’t staying completely still. During take 3, Bill blinked. During take 4, Ed coughed again. During take 5, Richard and Martha both separately started dancing to the music. You can tell where this is going.
Seven seconds. All it was was seven measly little seconds. How could it be so hard? Well, have you ever tried getting a rock to stay still? It’s not easy, let me tell you!
Take 84 rolled around, and the rocks were so tired they started to fall asleep. This meant they got the footage without issue this time around, but on the other hand, the extensive filming caused the extremely sensitive titling system to start really crapping out for a while.
That night, as they slept in the muslin bag on the stage, the rocks were worried that things wouldn’t get any better.
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2
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Might’ve had a shot at #1 if Roll Credits was up for the full week. o_O
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“Monkey Target 2” - Super Monkey Ball 2 OST
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analog v digital
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3
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Riff your riffs.
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II. Discovery
It was another normal day on the sentient rock grounds, April 8, 1999 to be exact. The rock people had to move away a bit from the original Trinity site, as it had since become an officially recognized landmark, and many didn’t want to draw attention to themselves, fearing the worst that could happen. Eventually, however, things became incredibly dire. The OP rock, still alive, was becoming too weak to even make basic motions. This meant that a vital giver of resources was out on the bench, and on this very day, the OP rock was carried in on a bed made out of the wing of a crashed plane.
“All of you, come here, I gotta say something”, the elder slowly spoke in a gravelly (get it?) voice.
As the rocks gathered together, he continued. “We need some of you to go into the outside world. To help stimulate the rock economy. Find something to do. If anyone asks, just say you’re from New Zealand.”
“What if they’re from New Zealand?”, a young rock wondered aloud.
“Then say you’re from Old Zealand”, the elder quickly retorted.
Standing close to each other in the crowd were seven rough acquaintances, the ones I pictured last episode, obviously. They were very patriotic for their little civilization, and wanted to help, but didn’t know how. No one gave any passionate speeches, but they could all tell that they had a shared goal of going out to human society and being someone.
Tim made the decision to go up to the elder, and reveal their plans. The elder immediately focused on him.
“…sir? My name’s Tim. Me and a few others want to help. We want to really go out there.”
“Ah, yes, yes. Any plans?”
“Well, no, but, surely opportunity isn’t that far away…”
“Right, that’s right, young one. I have something to give you, if you wish.”
“I wish, sir.”
The elder’s servants then pulled out a rock-sack made of various xerocole skins, and gave Tim a world map that was inside.
“Here you are, Tim. This should serve you well.”
“You…you’re giving your only map? Wow…I…I…”
“Ah, I have 3 other copies.”
“Thank you, anyways. I hope to see you soon”.
Tim walked back to the other six, and showed them the map. They all gave reaffirming looks to each other, before setting their sights in the opposite direction and walking away. They walked and walked, but eventually, a pickup truck came zooming out of nowhere, before coming to a stop right in front of them. The rocks immediately tried to scamper away, getting to the back of the truck, fearing they had been caught and for this giant-seeming monster of a thing, but that wasn’t the case.
“I think we’re lost”, a female voice said inside the truck.
“…you have a point there”, a male voice replied.
As the couple looked at their own map, George had a crafty idea. He jumped up to the small platform at the bottom of the truck, before jumping into the truck’s bed, barely making it in. The others followed, with Richard and Martha needing a little help. Right as they had all made it in, the pickup started zooming along again. The rocks had to hold on mighty tight, but were making it through without any problems. The couple in the truck were headed back to Albuquerque, which was three hours away. After about fifteen minutes, the rocks gradually began to fall asleep. It was only when the truck got back in town, when they awakened, by the honking of the cars close by. As the rocks woke up, and began to look around…yeah, you can imagine their reaction. Don’t think I adequately describe the awe these seven felt, that or I’m just too lazy to.
As the truck was ensnared in nasty traffic, the rocks had enough time to slowly climb down, dodging everything in their path. They quickly spotted what looked like shelter in the form of a bus stop. The rocks made their way over to it, and lied down on the bench, correctly guessing that it was in fact, a seat. They sat there for a while, just taking in everything around them. All they could say was…nothing, because they were speechless.
After a minute, a bus came along. The driver was unaware that the rocks at the seat were sentient, thinking some fool had just left ‘em there. And yet, he had the doors open for long enough so that all the rocks made it in. They were again, awestruck, by this crappy public bus, thinking it to be some kind of mobile building. They saw these presumably human folks sitting down in the seats, but it seemed as though all the spots were taken. Not wanting to be possibly separated, they went down the bus, looking for open spots, and succeeded in finding one, next to Nickelodeon production assistant Gary Ross.
Gary had been working as a PA at Nick for a couple years now, and instantly earned a lot of respect among his peers for his diligence and wit, so much so that the developers of SpongeBob SquarePants named the titular character’s pet snail partially after him. He was coming home from visiting family, but around this time, he and the rest of the SpongeBob team were having a problem.
See, they were finalizing the title card sequence in this time. They had it all visualized. Blue text in (later-named) “Krabby Patty” font slightly sideways against an ocean floor backdrop. However, something about it just seemed…blank. Some crew members got the idea to add some rocks as a nice little set piece. They had their guys paint it up, but it still was just…off. The colors just didn’t seem to look completely solid, but the painters insisted they tried their best to make everything fit. Less than a month out from premiere date, and things just weren’t completely hunky dory.
Gary heard a rattling noise as the rocks got into the seat, and looked down, immediately filled with some joy. These rocks had a real authenticity to them you couldn’t get with paint. He visualized an ocean floor background beneath them, and wondered if this might be what the folks at Nick were looking for. Gary quietly swept the rocks into his pocket. Said rocks weren’t expecting this, to say the least, but tried to stay optimistic on the journey back to Los Angeles.
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First, a little history.
I. The Beginning
Our story begins with a bang.
Back in the 1930s, there was a lot of work being done by various groups on nuclear technology, due to more information about how atoms work coming to light. This work eventually manifested itself as The Manhattan Project in 1942. Work on nuclear weapons technology for the project took place at New Mexico’s Los Alamos Laboratory. Eventually, those involved with the project got the idea to test a nuclear weapon just north of Alamogordo, New Mexico.
I wasn’t smart enough to understand the part of the Wikipedia page that went into how they constructed Trinity (the test subject), so I can’t tell you about that, but regardless, on Monday, July 16, 1945 C.E., 05:29:21 Mountain Standard Time, just north of Alamogordo, New Me-
The scientists were over the moon. However, no one thought to realize the possible effects that this would have to the patch of desert where Trinity exploded, a catastrophic oversight. Life went on after the whole Trinity sha-bang was over, but after a while, some of the small rocks that were present for the detonation began to convulse, oddly. This pattern of convulsion went on for a few days, until after a while, a deep voice filled the air.
“Whu…I…huh?”, it spoke.
The voice was coming from a small reddish-brown rock that had mutated enough to have some humanoid features. At this point, three tiny “legs” were going out of it’s bottom.
A loud yelp then rang out.
Another rock, colored with a mix of red and blue, had similarly become humanoid, with a giant bump growing of it’s top. Several rocks then showed noticeable signs of sentience, and had the primal instinct to gather together. The rocks (that could clearly see) all looked around at each other, and knew two things at that moment.
A) They had to stick together.
B) Jesus Christ, there are sentient rocks!Anyways, the rock tribe looked at all of their brethren, before the reddish-brown one spoke up.
“Peeble”, he said, his speech not quite developed. “We urr help each ofer. We help you. Ah?”.
There was a pleased murmur that quickly sounded among the speech-enabled rocks. The rock tribe then awkwardly scooted/crawled away to find food. As they did, they heard another rock catch up to them; an OP gentleman that had grown to be crazy “buff”. He would clearly help in the mission, so the others let him tag along. The rocks scooted for what seemed like a hell of a lot of miles. Eventually, they spotted a motionless figure in the distance, specifically a large fox carcass.
As they slowly inched closer to it, they realized it just might be food. Some rocks began tapping at it, wondering what it’s deal was. One rock took a bite out of it, and confirmed it’s edibility. The OP rock went over to it, picked it up, and threw it back towards the direction of the rest of the rocks. He slowly scooted back to the fox carcass, threw it again, and then another time. Eventually, he got the fox carcass back to the rest of the rocks, and took a small bite to signify that that could be done. The rocks were interested, and began to eat it, even bringing back pieces for the less mobile folk, a kind move which I think we could learn from as a society.
This little rock colony began to thrive, with the OP rock automatically becoming the leader, spending his days finding things to help his people. Times did get hard, however. There were times when the folks had to start eating the sand beneath them. But they stayed alive, and eventually, offspring began popping up. How, you ask?
Hell if I know, go buy a book.
Natural selection quickly went to work, and for the next 50 years, the rocks evolved, evolved, and evolved some more, and eventually we arrived at our heroes.
Until next time.
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4
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A spin off miniseries about the rocks in the shows title card sequence.
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3
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1
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Thank you. I learned a lot.
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1
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Congratulations, and don’t forget put in a good word for me when cnn comes calling
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“Glawio” - Com Truise
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Peak spot for 406. Let’s see if it can hit the podium sometime.
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happy fall
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This was the last one I wrote before the longer-than-intended seasonal hiatus, as a result I was burned out, but I hope it’s goood
30. The Longest Yard
(Joe, Harry and Tom are channel surfing)
TV: AAAOOOHHH!
(channel changes)
Joe: What in the world was that?
(Tom changes channel back)
TV: That's a touchdown for the Ostriches!
Joe: Oh, it was just sports. Nevermind.
Tom: Stuff makes me sick. Those hits probably make them sick, too.
Joe: You bet. Does this stuff really matter?
Tom: No. It does not.
Harry: People seem to take them seriously.
Joe: No dip, bug boy. We have a right to act condescending.
Harry: Video games are sort of a sport. We take those seriously.
(beat)
Joe: I hate some sports.
Tom' Uh...yeah. Guess you're right.
Joe: I dunno, i'm just pretty weak.
Tom: Yeah, but I’m getting by.
Harry: (starts flexing muscles) Ah.
Joe: No need to brag. I'm better at the "Lux the Lizard" games than you, anyways.
Harry: That's bragging, idiot!
Joe: Who you calling idiot, idiot?
(Joe and Harry start yelling incomprehensibly)
Tom: Guys.
(Joe and Harry keep yelling incomprehenibly)
Tom: Guys...
(You guessed it)
Tom: GUYS!
(Joe and Harry stop yelling)
Joe: Yeah, what?
Tom: Uh...stop yelling.
Joe: Anyways, you guys like any sort of competitive stuff?
Harry: ...he asked after a year of knowing them.
(Joe opens his mouth to say something)
Harry: Ah ah ah.
Tom: I watched boxing in college sometimes. Roommate got me into it.
Joe: Mhm.
Harry: Nice, nice.
(beat)
Harry: We're really boring people.
Joe: I used to throw the Frisbee with my dad as a young buck.
Tom: Pretty cool. I did that a bit, too.
Joe: They made me play ultimate Frisbee in grade school gym, too. I always lost,
Harry: Just like always.
Joe: You're not wrong, my friend.
(cut to MMM holding a Frisbee)
MMM: What was this doing under my bed? Oh, well. (throws it away)
(cut to Joe looking out the window)
Joe: Why, those were the glory days, if by glory they mean horrible, droning...is that a Frisbee in the parking lot?
Tom: (looks out window) Looks like it.
Harry: Isn't life something.
Tom: Howsabout we, er, throw the thing around.
Joe: Let me check my to do list. (holds invisible piece of paper up) Sure.
(Harry grabs human formula for a nearby table and throws it on)
(cut to the three standing out in the parking lot)
Joe: Go long, one of you!
Harry: I'll...uh...do it.
Tom: Wait, this is a little...uh...
The Frisbee flung out of Joe's hand, and almost instantly, and it began flying towards a car.
Tom: AGH!
Joe: DON'T JUST SCREAM, CATCH IT!
Tom and Harry ran at the Frisbee, and Harry dived over the hood to catch it. He caught it, and then dropped it quickly.
Harry: That was a stupid idea.
Joe: Maybe we could go on the grass.
Tom: That thin strip of crud? No.
Joe: (sigh) You're right.
(beat)
Harry: Let's go to the field.
(cut to Joe, Harry and Tom driving up to the field)
Joe: (rolls down window) What the?
Tom: (reading sign) Under construction?
Construction Worker: (walks up) New hotel. Is there a problem?
Joe: Yes, there's a problem, I-
CW: Good, I didn't think there was. (sticks hand in car and rolls up the window)
Joe: Some people. (drives off)
(cut back to the apartment)
(Joe, Tom and Harry walk in)
Joe: Well, that sucked.
Tom: That's obvious.
Joe: Why would they do that to a field?
Tom: When you think about the money, it's obvious.
Harry: WHY IS EVERYTHING OBVIOUS TO YOU?
Tom: Geez, man. I...uh...I don't know.
Joe: (sigh) What now?
Tom: TV again?
Joe: Sounds good.
As Joe went to bed that night, he couldn't stop thinking about the Frisbee. Sure, it was stupid. Sure, it was irritational. But sometimes things like that, for whatever reason, really grate on you, you know? He had good memories of playing Frisbee, and just wanted to have some more with his best and only friends. As the next day proved, he would stop at nothing to get his way, just like always.
Right when Joe got up that morning, he went over to his computer. He frantically ordered a bunch of fake grass, and chose the "same day delivery" option. Within minutes, he heard a knock at the door.
Harry: What's that?
Joe: I dunno. Did Tom forget something? (walks over and opens door)
Postman: Package for a Mr. (reads card) Jor Sumners?
Joe: Must have made some typos. Yeah, that's me.
Joe signed some forms, and then excitedly shut the door and grabbed the massive package.
Harry: What is it?
Joe: Stuff.
Harry: I see.
Joe: No, you don't. I haven't opened it yet.
Harry: I SEE!
Later that night, when Tom was coming home from work, there was a lot more traffic than usual. He was confused about why, until he a massive and bumpy mountain of grass covering the apartment parking lot.
Tom: JJJOOOEEE!
Joe: (walks out) ...yes?
Tom: (parks car on sidewalk, gets out) What...what the hell is this?
(beat)
Joe: Eee...this was a bad idea.
Tom: What?!
(Joe holds up Frisbee)
Tom: Nnnggghhh.
Harry: (looks out window) What's all of this...noise...
(beat)
Joe: I can, uh, get it back out.
Harry: I want you to tell me what you did right now.
Joe: I ordered some...some...fake grass.
Harry: What?! From where?!
Joe: (reads package) O. O. Yorks Lawn Improvement?
Harry: What?
(beat)
Tom: Joe, what's O. O. Yorks backwards?
Joe: Skroy O. O.?
(beat)
Joe: AAAUUUGGGHHH!Harry: Skroyoo? Didn't those lawsuits close them down?
Joe: I guess they must have reformed or something!
Tom: YOU ARE THE BIGGEST MORON I'VE EVER MET!
Joe: (sits down, with his head in his heads) You're right...you're right. (looks at crowd gathering) I'm sorry, everyone.
Guy #1: I need to get to my car!
Lady #1: Same here!
Guy #2: I say we form a riot!
Guy #3: We already are a riot, Bill.
Guy #2: Good!
(Crowd directionlessly starts charging at Joe)
Joe: WAIT!
(Crowd continues running)
Joe: (backs away) IF I GET THIS OUT WILL YOU STOP?
(Crowd stops)
Guy #2: Wait, he hasn't gotten it out, yet-
Guy #3: Shut up, dummy! (beat) Alright. It's 5:06 PM. Get it out by 6:06, or we'll get the riot up again. We'll wait here
Guy #2: I'm kinda hungry, actually.
Guy #3: Ah...
(Murmurs among the crowd about being hungry)
Guy #3: Hmm. Alright, guy. You promise to get this out in 1 hour?
Joe: Yes. Pinky promise.
Guy #3: Uh, sure.
(Joe and Guy #3 touch pinkies)
Joe then ran back up to the apartment, frantically looking around for Harry.
Joe: Dude, get out here.
Harry: Yeah?
Joe: Throw on the formula and use your super strength.
Harry: What?
Joe: Pull out the grass or else the people out there are gonna make mincemeat out of me!
Harry: But that won't work! Remember the water bottle and the earplugs?
Joe: PLEASE, MAN!
Harry: Gah, fine.
(cut to Joe and Harry out in the parking lot)
Harry found a crack at the edge of the grass, put his hands under it, and started pulling. He tried his hardest for ten seconds, using all of his strength, but alas, it just wouldn't come off. Everyone in the crowd started to join in, but still, they were unsuccessful.
Tom: Does, uh, anyone here have access to construction equipment?
(cut to MMM staring at his computer)
MMM: Better throw them a bone.
Guy #4: I'm actually a construction worker! I'm working on the hotel at the field outside of town!
(everyone boos)
Guy #4: But I can help!
(everyone cheers)
The worker got into his car parked on the sidewalk, and drove off to the field. A while later, he came back with a wrecking ball. He aligned it perfectly with the parking lot, and started aiming the wrecking ball.
Lady #2: Hey! You're aiming at my car!
CW #2: Sorry. (aims elsewhere)
Guy #5: That's my car!
The worker kept aiming the ball at different places, only to find that he was aiming at someone's car. After about a dozen more repeats of this, the worker found a spot with nobody's car near, and crushed the grass with the wrecking ball. There was little effect.
Now, the time was 6:03 PM. Joe was losing hope and had just accepted his fate.
Joe: Alright, guys. Just do it!
Guy #3: No, we're a fair riot.
Guy #2: I've never considered myself-
Guy #3: We're a fair riot.
(THREE MINUTES LATER)
Guy #3: Let's go!
The crowd charged at Joe, yelling incomprehensibly. They ran on the rocky terrain, actually running onto and down cars. The grass slightly shook under their footsteps. As Harry walked in a little closer there was finally enough weight to put a small hole in the grass, the spot where the wrecking ball struck. When noticing this, the riot, Harry, Tom and Joe then started pulling on the edges of the hole, slowly ripping out the grass. Eventually, all of the grass was gone.
Joe: We did it! We just had to attack the weak point.
Pete: (walks out from crowd) I helped!
(beat)
(crowd walks away in all different directions)
Joe: Well, we saved the day.
(Harry and Tom glare at Joe)
(Joe awkwardly smiles at the screen as it closes out in a circle)-
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I'm not big on watermelon.
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“Just like a wild wing duck” (Edge of Seventeen)
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Space Jam 2 has been announced so many times that I’m not fully buying this until there’s footage from the set. Funny, though, my sources don’t say anything about a Space Jam 2.
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I thought the shopping list would be floating, I’m already disappointed.
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1
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29. The Apartment 403 Show
(Landlord knocks on door)
Joe: Huh?
Landlord: We've gotten some noise complaints from other apartments. So, you'd better care more about them and their life, or else.
Joe: Yeah. Got it.
Landlord: I hope so. (walks away)
Tom: Who was that?
Joe: Landlord delivering noise complaints.
Tom: Again?
Joe: I guess. He says we gotta think more about the other people here.
Harry: (walks in) Like me?
Joe: No, others in the apartment building.
Harry: Well, I'm one of those people, still.
Joe: We don't even know any of these people! What if they're bad people or something?
Tom: Well, what happens if we don't follow the rules of this?
Joe: "Or else".
Tom: That's never good.
Joe: Alright, what's one thing that isn't loud?
Harry. TV with the volume turned down?
Tom: Heh. Why not?
(Joe turns on TV, starts flipping channels)
Harry: There's nothing on.
Joe: That could only be possible if there were zero channels.
Harry: Nnnggghhh.
Joe: I wonder what's on public access.
Tom: Why is that?
Joe: Maybe I could help the little man out.
Tom: Fair enough.
Harry: Like us?
Joe: Stop that, Harry. (flips to public access channel)
In a brief silence, the three watched some talk show by a guy named Chris Jonahanson.
However, the background looked a little familiar.
Tom: Hey, that kinda looks like our apartment.
Joe: Maybe because it IS our...
Tom: Stop that. Maybe it's another apartment.
Harry: How can we know that?(beat)
Joe: AHHHHHHHHHH-
(Landlord knocks on door)
Landlord: That's it!
Joe: (opens door) It's not what it looks like!
Tom: We had a question!
Landlord: Alright, what is it?
Joe: Anyone here named Chris Jonahanson?
Landlord: Yep. Let me guess, you wanna be on his show?
Joe: Yeah!
Landlord: Wouldn't be the first one. (closes door)
Harry: At least we didn't get kicked out.
(cut to the parking lot, Joe, Tom and human Harry are looking up at the windows)
Joe: Which one do you think it is?
Tom: This is weird.
Guy: (walks up) Whaaa (cough) aaat are we doing?
Joe: Do you watch The Chris Jonahanson Show?
Guy: I can't. (closes eyes)
(beat)
Harry: Is he-
Tom: I don't know.
(Joe reaches for Guy’s eyes)
Guy: (wakes up) WHA-
Harry: Okay, he's not.
Guy; Sorry, I didn't get much sleep last night. This guy up there (points to window) was yelling about his talk show.
(The four silently study the windows)
Joe: That must be 402. What luck. There's a TV star in the apartment building!
Tom: Public access on a medium sized town doesn't mean TV star.
Joe: At least TVs aren't dying.
(beat)
Joe: Aw, man. Sorry...
Tom: I miss my old job.
Harry: Okay, okay, okay, so let's do this.
(cut to Joe, Harry and Tom standing at 402's door)
Joe: You do it.
Tom: No, you do it, TV boy.
Joe: Fair enough. (knocks on door)
(beat)
Harry: I think I can hear something on, like the TV?
Joe: Guess they're not home.
(beat)
Joe: Guess I got the math wrong or something.
Tom: It's simple single digit math, you dipwad! What's going on in there? (knocks on Joe's head)
Joe: Ah, stop it!
Harry: Try 403?
Joe: Eh. (knocks on 403's door)
Chris: (opens door) What?
Joe: Chris?
Chris: How do you know my name?
Joe: Jonahanson?
Chris: Do you wanna be on the show?
Joe: Yeah! Yeah!
Chris: I'll see. Wait for a call.
Joe: You don't know my number.
Chris: Oh. Go away.
(beat)
The next week, Joe, Harry and Tom were watching The Chris Jonahanson Show.
Chris: You're on the air, caller.
Lady: Hello?
Chris: Yeah, you're on the air.Lady: Has this show inflated your ego at all, you think?
Chris: Huh? No, no, I was already great before this. I got people knocking at my door asking to be a part of the show.
(Joe turns off TV)
Harry: What a scudwhistle.
Joe: We'll show him.
Tom: Well, I still wanna see something. (turns on TV, starts flipping channels)
(TV shows someone crawling through the vents)
(Tom changes channel)
(TV shows someone breaking into a house)
(Tom changes channel)
(TV shows someone knocking on a door)
(Tom changes channel)
(TV shows Tom changing the channel)
(Tom turns TV off)
Joe: I'm bored.
(beat)
Harry: Could I use the shrink and human formulas at the same time? Just curious.
Joe: The shrink one seems sort of outdated, like a placeholder looking back. Probably wouldn't be compatible.
Harry: Daw.
Joe: That gives me an idea, though. Hold on.
Joe ran into his room, grabbing the shrinking formula, before running back to the living room.
Joe: Go into 403, Harry. (pours formula on Harry)
As Harry shrank down, he began crawling in the hall, and went under the crack of the 403 door, trying to find Chris.
Chris: (looks down at floor) Where's that penny...AHHH!
(Joe and Tom run out into hall)
Joe: Oh man, my pet bug! (knocks on door)
Chris: Yes?
Tom: We, uh, want our bug back!
Chris: Fine. (opens door)
(Joe and Tom then run in)
Chris: Agh, hang on. (starts rubbing eyes)
(Joe quickly pours both antidotes on Harry)
Harry: Aw...where is the little guy?
Chris: (stops rubbing eyes) Whaaa?
Harry: I guess we killed him. Heh heh
.
Chris: Alright, get out now.(beat)
Joe: Uh...no?
Chris: You wanna be on the show, don't you?
Joe: Yes.
Tom: (whispering) Let's get out of here, man.
Chris: You can't!
Joe: Oh...oh, yeah? Why not?
Chris: I'm not gonna reward you for being weird and stupid.
Joe: Fine. I don't wanna be on your stupid little thing anyways!
Chris: (loud gasp) Oh, YEAH?! Then, you'll have to be on it!
Joe: Pssht. That was easy.
(cut to a piece of paper reading "The Chris Jonahanson Show" being pointed at the camera)(Joe is shaking nervously)
Tom: Christ, man, calm down.
Chris: (throws away paper) Welcome to the Chris Jonahanson Show, episode 12! Original air date, April 12, 2005, production code-
Harry: This was a mistake.
Chris: AH! And, here are our guests. (points unplugged microphone at the three) Names?
Joe: Joe.
Tom: I'm Tom.
Harry: Yeah, Harry.
Chris: Excellent. Are you ready for the interview?
Joe: I guesssss?
Chris: Okay. What is your favorite food?
Joe, Harry and Tom: Scadente's Pizza.
(beat)
Chris: Hmm. Favorite activity?
Joe: I think we all like hanging around, playing video games.
Tom: Yeah, watching TV.
Chris: Ah! Like this show?
Harry: We found this by flipping channels.
Chris. (tugs on collar) Most embarrassing secret.
Joe: I'm not telling you! That's why it's a secret. Doy.
Harry: Maybe you have some embarrassing secrets.
Chris: Okay. I'll tell you! I...I...
Tom: Ha.
Chris: Most irrational fear?
Joe: That's a bit subjective, Chris.
(canned laughter)
Chris: What the-
(canned laughter)
Chris: Huh?!
(cut to Harry pressing a button on a machine)
(canned laughter)
Chris: Stop that!
Harry: Heh.
Chris: is there...uh...anything remarkable about you guys?
(Joe and Tom look at Harry)
Harry: I'm...uh...pretty cool.
Joe: (slaps forehead) I won a bowling tourney once.
Harry: Oh yeah, I won an arm wrassling tourney.
Tom: I, uh, also won the bowling thing.
Chris: Ooh! How?
Joe: Hallucinating Videobox Sports...?
Chris: Heh. Video games.
Joe: Hey, man, that's not cool.
(canned laughter)
Chris: I don't believe you. That strategy is ridiculous.
Tom: ...we also took over halfway through for some team...accidentally.
Chris: WHAT?!
Joe: You seem like you want juicy stuff, so...
Chris: Yeah, because our ratings are down.
Joe: Looks like it's just you here.
(beat)
Chris: Out.
Joe: Wait, what?
Chris: This is all over. We're done here!
Joe: Whatever you say.
(Joe, Harry and Tom leave)
Joe: That was weird.
(ONE WEEK LATER)
TV: Welcome to the Chris Jonahanson Show, episode 12!
(Joe, Harry and Tom are frowning)
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