[Clappy Was Here]

On 3/12/2019 at 11:25 PM, Katniss said:

FOMO means “fear of missing out”?

Thanks.

On 3/13/2019 at 1:19 AM, E.V.I.L. said:

Now that you know what it means, did you?

In that case, yes I did  but only when I had the free time to because my classes were quite important to me.  

On 3/25/2019 at 10:32 PM, Katniss said:

just saw that it was your birthday today, happy birthday man?

Even though I think you said this to me again on Discord, thanks mang.

[The Balancing]

They will be avenged.

[The Happy Birthday Thread]

Come on guys, give it up for the real birthday boy, @Bob_t

[Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100]

On 3/23/2019 at 5:50 PM, kev said:

damn i’m glad i wasn’t the only one to catch on that Feel It Still comparasion to Sucker, which is arguably such an empty and soulless alternate of the former. it def shows in the chorus.

solid rankings, forgetting and remembering Shallow hit #1 was such a warm feeling. i honesty do agree with your point that Sunflower can correlate outside of the movie. but like, i think it’s because i found it to not have as much importance in the movie as you put it? i felt like majority of the soundtrack in the movie was there for the sake of it, along the lines of suicide squad. if there was an overarching impact for it in the movie, i wish i felt it.

 as much of a trash song it is, i can’t help but still vibe with 7 rings. maybe it’s bc of ariana but i’d rather listen it over whatever borish slog khalid spews out. i get why people listen to him, but to me he’s always sounded so uninterested in the words he’s singing. seeing how high ty, next was, it absolutely reminded me how much i love this joyous bubble of a song that i’m so fucking grateful for. i had to listen to it again straight from seeing the title. 

I’m noticing a trend with some of Louis Bell’s songwriting.  While there are songs that he’s written that I’ve liked, I’m looking at a recent list of his written and a lot of the choruses he’s been a part of in writing are soulless and convey nothing (practically all of Post Malone’s hits are written by him, Never Be The Same, Beautiful, Without Me).

And definitely agreed about Into the Spider-Verse’s soundtrack.  All of it really does not correlate to the movie, but Sunflower is one of the few exceptions.  They tied it into the movie real well.

I like Khalid and all.  I vibe with a good majority of his music.  But his last two hits from this album cycle just haven’t worked for me.  I’d like to give him the benefit of the doubt and maybe a song comes out that works for me again.

On 3/24/2019 at 9:08 PM, President Squidward said:

oh my god I didn't know murder on my mind was actually on the charts I thought it was just a meme

I feel bad but I guess High Hopes just doesn't do anything for me, wish Brendon would go solo already. I'm not too big with Ariana's three hits, I dig Sicko Mode and Sunflower though. Always fun seeing your thoughts!

Technically he is solo since there are no existing members of the band left except for Brendan Urie.  It’s just him and no names that aren’t official members to play the accompanying music.

[Us (film)]

Yeah it’s movie of the year so far...by default.  Haven’t been really all that impressed so far with anything.

That being said, I thought this was pretty good.  Was it better than Get Out?  Absolutely not.  I think Get Out’s message was better established and executed than Us’s which was a little more flimsy.  But I had plenty of fun with this one.  The acting was superb.  The scares were good.  Jordan Peele is on his way to being a name brand director where it won’t matter what the premise is, his name will sell a movie by itself because it will represent quality.

[live-action Dora the (Explosion) Explorer movie produced by Michael Bay coming in 2019]

...oh you thought this was the CollegeHumor parody trailer above?  Nope this is the actual trailer.  Is there a difference?  They could have fooled me.

[Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100]

So yeah.  That Best of 1992 list.  It's going to be awhile.  Because I'll be blunt.  It has nothing to do with Michael Jackson, which even if that documentary didn't make writing about him even harder to do in the first place, this is honestly the most quality best list I've ever done.  It's too legit to quit trying to rewrite because there are so many deserving candidates that I'm still flipping around songs because I've got at least twenty legitimate contenders for my top ten.  Yes including "Black or White".  I promise that I will have the best list done in the next month.  But I didn't want to keep you guys waiting without any sort of material.  So because I do these at least once a year, I thought I'd do a seasonal ranking to hold you guys over for a bit.

So yeah.  How about the year 2019 so far?  No seriously.  You guys start.

I don’t know what’s going on this year so far.  If someone were to ask me about what’s been going on so far this year, all I would say is that Ariana Grande is the STAR of 2019 at the moment.  And that’s it really.  Like nobody else seems to have any momentum at the moment.  Maybe Halsey?  I mean trap is still the biggest genre at the moment, but even then the album bombs are as big as they were last year.  Shit Juice WRLD up there, one of the biggest names at the moment, just dropped his hour and a half long slog of an album and like five songs charted?  Maybe the market is FINALLY becoming oversaturated with trap?  I don’t know what to tell you guys except I hope something freshens up the music industry soon because I’m already dreading this year as a whole since it’s the spring and most of the stuff in the Top 20 was still big when I wrote my year end list last year.  We’ll see.  But I owe you guys at least one seasonal ranking per year since I give up on them so easily.  But hey, I’m finally doing one of these on a week where the season officially changes.  Progress!  This is…

CLAPPY RANKS THE BILLBOARD TOP TWENTY OF SPRING 2019

Spoiler

20. "Girls Like You" - Maroon 5 (featuring Cardi B)

 

...this is still here.

 

Spoiler

Now back to your regular scheduled programming with the worst song of the season…

19. “Without Me” – Halsey

 

…I don’t think this comes as a surprise to anyone since I’ve told you all on Discord that this song is flaming hot garbage.  Worst song of Halsey’s career for sure.  And while Todd’s review of it really did help me see some reasons why people would like this, it didn’t change my mind.  But it did open my eyes to one comparison point I’ve used in the past.  I’ve told some of you that I think its Halsey’s version of “Cry Me a River”, which for the record I hate that song too.  But she paid Justin Timberlake’s camp for lyrics from the actual song.  How did I not notice that before because that makes my metaphor all the more accurate?

Yeah, that still doesn’t change anything.  This song is just unpleasant to listen to.  Halsey sounds like a wailing child.  The chorus sounds like an immature ten year old wrote it.  Halsey may be a bigger star than G-Eazy is now, but G-Eazy doesn’t owe his fame to anybody.  For as much as I hate him, he was famous before Halsey was.  And look, I’m not discounting the pain Halsey is going through.  Being cheated on sucks.  I know it.  But you’ve proven before this song that you can empower yourself through failed relationships instead of sounding like you’re the only one who has ever suffered like this.  It’s unhealthy. 

But you know what my biggest problem is with this?  This sounds like dogshit.  Like this entire song sounds like it’s drowning vocally.  I don’t know how whether it’s the heavy amounts of reverb being swamped out throughout the song or all the vocal filters Halsey is using.  It is unpleasant to listen to.

And now it’s the biggest song of her career and has a chance to be the number one song of 2019 when it’s all said and done because it has had tremendous staying power.  I seriously hope this isn’t a sign of things to come from her next album.  Halsey is much better than this.

 

Spoiler

And speaking of being much better than this.

18. “7 rings” – Ariana Grande

 

The first time I heard this song, my heart dropped to the pits of my stomach.  I was rooting for you Ariana and you disappointed the hell out of me with could now potentially be the most successful song of her career.  Look, I can talk about the many many problems this song has, but I’m just going to keep it simple.  It’s an ass song that sounds like ass.  I don’t want to listen to Ariana Grande and her spoiled rich girl problems and sing-rapping about how much better she is than me.

I almost wanted to make this a two-way tie with Halsey’s awful song, but I’ll be honest.  For all the heavy amounts of cultural appropriation this song definitely is flooded with, that trap production actually compliments my mood for this song.  It’s cold and joyless.  That’s something at least because the rest of this song infuriates me with wasted potential.

 

Spoiler

17. “Wow” – Post Malone

 

So here’s one artist I didn’t talk much about around year end time last year.  It felt a little weird not mentioning him because Post Malone had such a huge year, but just like all of his singles that charted, what is there to say?  I still think the dude is a culture vulture, but then I see him appearing in all these interviews, talk shows, etc. and then he legitimately sounds like a down to Earth guy who would be chill to hang out with.  WHICH POST MALONE IS HE?

To me this is a total 180 PR move because what Post said about rap music of yesteryear is some damning stuff that would end other careers.  And this 180 couldn’t have come at a better time because I checked out “beerbongs and bentleys”…I kind of liked it?  It’s total turn off your brain and just roll with it kind of vibes.  In that sense, it worked.

But then this song came out.  I guess Post must be done with that album cycle because to quote this song, he made another hit because he got bored.  So with that self-admitting move, how do I feel about this?  Honestly, I don’t.  I saw that episode of BILLBOARD BREAKDOWN where Mark admitted this is hilarious and I really don’t see it.  This song just feels like that lyric I quoted, a throwaway hit to keep Post Malone near the top of the charts like he’s been for the last year and a half.  Nothing about this song makes me go wow.  It feels like a product of its time with the production, the Dak Prescott reference (fuck the Dallas Cowboys ftr), flexing about his watches, and rolling down the streets pumping…Fall Out Boy?  I’m supposed to be intimidated by Fall Out Boy?  Which song?  Sugar We’re Goin’ Down?  Thnks Fr Th Mmrs?  My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark?  Uma Thurman?  I like Fall Out Boy and even I feel like that’s an out of nowhere choice band to flex to.

I don't hate Post Malone like I used to, but this is just straight white noise.  I forget about it every time it ends and then I completely forget how it goes before it starts up again.  Next.

 

Spoiler

16. “Going Bad” – Meek Mill (featuring Drake)

 

Out of all the good songs to promote from Meek’s last album, leave it to the Drake collaboration to be Meek’s biggest hit not just from this album, but of his entire career.  Say what you want about how sick you all are of Drake, but that’s how big of a presence he holds on the charts right now.  He can revive the career of someone he ended.

Okay that’s not completely fair to Meek.  He was able to drop two albums with some success on the charts ever since he was incarcerated.  And being the diehard Philadelphia Eagles fan that I am, lord knows how often I kept hearing “FREE MEEK” from that inner circle, let alone seeing it trend on Twitter as often as I did.  But yeah, being a fan of Philadelphia sports, Meek Mill is a huge deal to that city.  The Eagles came out to “Dreams and Nightmares” during last year’s Super Bowl and his latest album “Championships” is written in Eagles logo font.  And my personal bias withstanding, it’s a great album.  Easily the best Meek has done in years.

But god, why was the song that got big?  The Drake cosign?  The fact that this song is proof that their beef is dead?  It’s just an uninteresting song.  The only two things worth mentioning are that Meek brings up Back to Back and how it was scary.  Damn right it was scary.  It ended your mainstream relevance you goof.  But the worst line goes to Drake where he brags about how “he has more slaps than The Beatles”.  He might have more songs than them but that’s because he is taking advantage of a broken charting system where entire albums can technically qualify as hits.  So congratulations Drake.  Good luck being as culturally relevant in the history of music as The Beatles, dog.

Boring, next.

 

Spoiler

Man this next one.  Jesus.  Where do I even begin?

15. “Murder on My Mind” – YNW Melly

 

I…I don’t know how to approach this song.  For those of you who aren’t aware of why this is as popular as it is, YNW Melly was recently arrested and charged with two counts of first degree murder of two of his “close friends”, which happened a few months prior.  And while this song is not written as a confession of his alleged double murder, these lyrics are awfully damning evidence for someone who has been in and out of jail so many times in the past four years.  Plus with evidence that links him to the scene of the crime, he could be facing life in prison or the death penalty.  And not too long after that double murder charge, him and his accomplice were charged of murdering a Florida law official a few months prior doesn’t make talking about him all the more tough.

But hey, the American listening public loves glamorizing criminals if these past few years have taught us anything.  And now this is a huge hit.  Is it good?  I will say that it’s a very haunting song.  It definitely makes me feel uncomfortable listening to it.  So I guess it works in that regard?  But for as dark of a song that this is, the gratuitous amounts of autotune just doesn’t work.  This guy might be a cold blooded murderer in real life, but he sounds like an absolute joke with how heavily his sound relies on autotune.

 

Spoiler

14. “Sucker” – The Jonas Brothers

 

So…The Jonas Brothers are back together.  Woo?

I get why this became a number one hit.  There was a market out there wanting this since it’s been practically ten years since they were last relevant as a group.  I guarantee you that their fans were freaking out when news broke that they were reuniting.  I would know.  My sister texted me in all caps about this announcement and my fiancé flipped out when I told her too.

And in all honesty, these brothers needed this reunion for their music careers.  Nick’s solo career was trending downward after his last album didn’t do so well in terms of making hits.  Shoot he even had a lead single for a new album that never happened and was giving it away for practically free on iTunes and it didn’t even chart.  And don’t get me started on how big of a joke DNCE turned out to be after the novelty of “Cake By the Ocean” was over.  Yeah, that’s all of the brothers…oh yeah.  Kevin existed.

So the brothers reunited and got their first number one smash hit…and I’m not a fan.  I don’t care that this song jacked the melody from “Feel It Still”, which let’s be real, they obviously did.  Like I said before, The Jonas Brothers just weren’t my cup of tea.  They did have that one good song “Burnin’ Up” but nothing else to really write home about.  Their music wasn’t made for me in mind.  And even though all three are happily married or in Joe’s case, engaged, this is still a song directed specifically at YOU.  They are suckers for you and all the subliminal things that YOU do.  And by YOU, I mean you-you now all grown up female fan that worshipped the ground this band walked on.  And even though The Jonas Brothers are no longer preaching their G-rated values on abstinence and purity rings, that still doesnt mean their music isn’t about how they subliminally want to get into your pants.  Especially now that they are all grown up and have had sex.  I don’t care if their significant others are in this video with them that doesn’t change the subtext of the lyrics.  It’s the same formula they have always done, just with more apparent innuendos.

 And if this is what it takes to get the industry talking about these guys again, imagine what will happen when One Direction gets back together.  Let’s be real, that’s going to happen.  Sooner rather than later with how all of their solo careers are going.

 

Spoiler

13. “Thotiana” – Blueface

 

Okay so here’s the thing.  By all technicalities, I know this is a bad song.  Blueface can’t stay on the beat, his flow is garbage, and these lyrics are trash.  But I can’t completely hate this.  It’s hilarious.  I find myself laughing at this quite often when I hear it on my Apple playlists.  Especially when he goes “Blueface bay-bee”.

But god, for as bad as this song allegedly is, why can’t I get it out of my head?  Once I hear that chorus, it stays in my head all day.  I mentioned at the very beginning about how we don’t have that much newer music this year that is memorable.  This song however is definitely memorable so I will give it that at least.

Also all the YouTube comments on this video are right.  Blueface definitely looks like he’s on ALL the drugs.  Maybe that explains a lot for his performance.

And this is a huge hit because it has a remix from Cardi B.  Because of course it does.  Everything has Cardi B on it these days and I'm starting to get a little tired of her because of it.  There is a separate one with YG too, but he's not Cardi and the views definitely tell which one is the bigger hit.  Because he doesn't go C-CARDI.

 

Spoiler

12. “Eastside” – benny blanco, Halsey, & Khalid

 

Honestly, it amazes me that this song has stuck around as long as it has.  Because I think this is the perfect song to represent how stagnant this year has been.

As for the song itself, it has kind of grown on me a bit.  Not to say that I like it, I don’t.  It went from being a nothing of a song to being slightly tolerable.  Marginal improvement.  I still feel like it’s an absolute rip-off of “Closer”, doesn’t help that Halsey is featured on both songs.  But unlike “Closer”, this just feels too polished for it to work nearly as well as that song did.  Benny Blanco has been making hits behind the scenes for practically the entire 2010’s, so he knows how to craft pop songs.  But man, I really wish I was listening to “Closer”.  I’d rather listen to Andrew Taggart singing so horribly off-key than Khalid singing so perfectly.  Khalid’s moody vibe music usually works for me, but it just doesn’t here this time.  I guess the reason this grew on me is more for Halsey’s portion of the song, which is something because there is no chemistry between her and Khalid on this song to me.

Oh and for the record, this music video is lazy as fuck.  I hate it.  It’s like watching paint dry, even with the captions telling a story.  Show it, don’t make me read it.

 

Spoiler

11. “Happier” – Marshmello & Bastille

Man this has shrunk on me considerably.  I’m done with this sticking around for as long as it has too.  And why has it stuck around for so long you may wonder?  Well…

Yep you are watching this correctly.  That is Marshmello hosting an exclusive concert in the wildly successful video game of the year, “Fortnite”.  Marshmello is an avid gamer.  He’s streamed himself playing Fortnite with gamers like Ninja, so of all the artists to do this, I’m not surprised it’s him.

And because we are living in such a strange timeline, the wildly successful concert almost launched this song to number one on the Hot 100.  Online gaming concerts was not the future I was promised, but because this launched more chart movement on the Hot 100 than the Grammys and the freaking Super Bowl halftime show, expect more exclusive Fortnite concerts in the future.  How do I know?  Because Marshmello himself is now launching Fortnite merchandise.  That means more of his singles will get performed live from Loot Lake, Dusty Divot, Salty Springs…seriously fuck this overhyped game.  What singles does he even have out now?

CHVRCHES is now breaking through to the mainstream?  Well at least Marshmello is using his starpower to push deserving artists.

 

Spoiler

10. “Better” – Khalid

 

Man, Khalid just isn’t doing it for me right now. Normally, I’m able to vibe to his music, but this isn’t working for me like it usually does.  Maybe it’s because this is what every Khalid song sounds like?  I hate to say it, but this just sounds and feels very lazy?

For a song about wanting to feel better than this, he just sounds very lethargic.  How am I supposed to vibe to someone who doesn’t want to put forth any effort?  It’s a damn shame though because I do think there is a good song trying to come out of this.  I like the production.  I like the trap snares.  I like practically everything else but Khalid on this song.  He just doesn’t sound like he cares, so why should I?

 

Spoiler

9. “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” – Ariana Grande

 

At first listen, I was absolutely ready to pass this off as Ariana on autopilot.  I mean the nerve of her to try and convince YOUR man to break up with you.  But then that last sentence really struck something with me.  It’s rare we get the gender roles reversed like this.  That’s an interesting twist.  I welcomed it…until I realized that Ariana trying to stir the pot is just because she’s jealous.  And you guys should know by now that jealousy just isn’t that attractive of an emotion to me. 

I will give it this though.  It’s one of the better songs to portray jealousy because it’s supremely lowkey about it.  She’s not making a huge stink or painting her out to be insecure about these two being together.  All Ariana is feeling is she’s bored and just says point blank you should break up with your girlfriend and have sex with me.  And extra points for not saying it’s her right to be hell-ish.

It’s a fine song.  Not one of the best tracks from “thank u next”, but I think it’s okay.

 

Spoiler

8. “Please Me” – Cardi B & Bruno Mars

 

It actually really sucks that I think this song isn’t more than just better than average.  I may be getting tired of both of these artists for as much as I like them, but it’s Cardi and Bruno doing another retro 90s R&B jam.  That is right up my alley just like “Finesse” was.

But I think a lot of this has to do with the same problems I had with another song last year that should have been right up my alley in “Pray For Me”.  Listening to this makes me think of radio executives paying off Atlantic Records to have these two team up again because Top 40 stations desperately need to freshen up the airwaves with new music from 2019.  As I mentioned in my year end lists, radio is a dying listening format that is behind the times and Top 40 stations in particular don’t want to play trap music.  But those radio executives know Cardi B is one of the biggest stars right now and they love Bruno Mars and know his stuff is very radio friendly.  To those of you who know what “payola” means, yeah I wouldn’t be surprised if payola played a part in these two practically rehashing “Finesse” for the radio to play something, while also racking up those playlist streams as well.

Who knows, maybe come year end time, this will have grown on me.  But I’m just not as impressed by this as I know I should be.

 

Spoiler

And speaking of not being as impressed as I should be.

7. “MIDDLE CHILD” – J. Cole

 

I’m glad that J. Cole has a legitimate smash hit with staying power in 2019.  He has been doing so much damn good in the last two years whether it be making good albums or as of late, excellent guest verses on other rappers songs.  This guy deserves to be one of the biggest names in rap right now.

And yet, I only think this is decent and not great.  But let me get these positives out of the way now because if anything is going to make this grow on me, it’s how great J. Cole’s flow is as well as the production.  God I love those trumpets.  Because my problem with this song is the story it’s telling.  I’m not against the idea of having J. Cole being the metaphorical bridge between two generations of rappers.  If anything, I think him and Drake are the two rappers I would consider this being the case because of how well they have been able to adapt from the early 2010s to the current rap scene.  But god those shots at Kanye are so fucking cheap.  Yeah Kanye is an easy punching bag these days, but in case J. Cole forgot what song first put him on the map, it was a song where he sampled “The New Workout Plan”.

And of all the new rappers he gives the metaphorical rub to.  I don’t have a problem with 21 Savage.  He’s getting better.  But more than one line dedicated to Kodak Black of all people?  I don’t care how big of a fan base this guy somehow has.  Kodak Black is fucking trash.  He’s not talented, no matter how many songs he shows up on that I like.  And in case you guys have forgotten his large dirt sheets of crimes he has been charged with, including rape, he’s toxic scum.  I don’t care what J. Cole tells me that he’s changed and he’s looking for guidance.  Guidance isn’t going to change the fact that Kodak Black is a piece of shit.

It’s so close to being good and who knows, maybe this will get better as the days pass?  I like rap songs that tell stories like this, even if the execution is not as good as it could be.  But for now, it’s just short of good, but still pretty solid though.

 

Spoiler

And to think that this song is still growing on me despite making my best list.

6. “SICKO MODE” – Travis Scott

 

Not going to lie guys.  The gap between these next six songs and the rest of this list is staggering.  I actually had a really tough time ranking the rest of this list because these are all really good songs.

Out of all of them though, I’m surprised how much this keeps growing on me.  To the point that maybe it should have been on the list proper.  I almost undersold how much I liked this in comparison to the rest of AstroWorld.  Which if you guys haven’t checked out yet, what are you waiting for?

Shoot I watched The Rap Critic make an absolute fool out of himself a few months ago and call this the Bohemian Rhapsody of trap music.  I don’t know if I would go that far, but Todd’s comparison to this being the prog rock of trap music is more realistic.  I wish trap music would get more experimental with the way Travis Scott has been able to push boundaries.

This song may not be worthy of the SpongeBob introduction that it got at the Super Bowl, but in comparison to how the rest of that halftime show, this song didn’t have me OUT LIKE A LIGHT LIKE A LIGHT LIKE A LIGHT.

 

Spoiler

5. “Shallow” – Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper

 

I did not expect this to ever hit number one.  The fact that this did astonishes me.  I know how dedicated Lady Gaga’s fan base is, but if they wanted her to have a number one hit again, where were they during that eight year gap between then and now?  Eh, who cares about the logistics, I’m just ecstatic that it got there.

That being said, that does raise this question I’ve asked in the past about other soundtrack hits.  Does it stand out without the context of the movie?  And honestly, I can see both sides of this argument.  It’s a little more flimsy without knowing that this is associated with “A Star is Born”.  But I could also seeing this being a parallel between the Lady Gaga of 2011 and the Lady Gaga of 2019.  She definitely has dropped all the costumes and the personas and became a legitimate star without all of that.  So yeah, she is far from the shallow now…even though I wouldn’t classify Mother Monster as “shallow” persay.

And just so I don’t forget about Bradley Cooper’s part in all of this, who would have thought that Phil from The Hangover movies had that good of a voice.  I sure didn’t.  They both got robbed at the Oscars for their acting.  But at least this won Best Original Song.  Pretty much one of the few things the Academy did get right this year.  Fuck Green Book.

 

Spoiler

4. “High Hopes” – Panic! At the Disco

 

I’m so happy to see Panic! At the Disco being relevant in 2019.  They’ve had too big of a presence in the 2000s rock scene to only have that one crossover hit.  And by “they” I mean Brendan Urie.  Because this is not a band anymore.  He’s the only one left.

We can all sit here and nitpick which songs of theirs should have been crossover hits, but let’s bask in the fact that in this dark, dreary, depressing music climate we are currently living in, we have this sunshiny feel good, uplifting pop-rock song talking about how we should all have high hopes.  And honestly, I vibe with this song so much.  I feel like I’m working at a lower-end job where I’m not getting paid nearly enough with little room for advancement right now.  I, too, have high hopes that it all work out for me and that I will fulfill my legacy, whatever my legacy is.

And god, those trumpets are glorious…wait a minute.  How many times is this now in the past year where I’ve talked about trumpets?  Shoot, this isn’t even the first time I’ve talked about it in this post. Are we in the midst of the year of a triumphant comeback for trumpets?  Count me in!

 

Spoiler

And speaking of songs that just make you feel good.

3. “Sunflower” – Post Malone & Swae Lee

 

For those of you who haven’t seen Into the Spider-Verse yet, then what the hell is the matter with you?  It’s available to rent/own now.  Do yourselves a favor and just watch it.  Because you’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about with this song’s correlation to the movie.  So on that note

MINOR SPOILERS AHEAD

Miles uses this song to calm himself down whenever he’s feeling stressed, massive amounts of tension, sadness, or just to feel relaxed.  And honestly.  That’s exactly my feelings about this.  It just puts me in a warm relaxing mood.  And while my interpretation is that this song is about two different sides of Miles dueling it out, both sides just complement each other so well that it can be about anybody.  That’s why this song can correlate outside of the movie more so than “Shallow” does. 

This isn’t the first time Post and Swae have collaborated together, but they just work off each other greatly.  I love Swae Lee’s part more than Posts’ honestly.  Ever since Swae started using heavy amounts of reverb due to how big “Unforgettable” was, it’s given his vocal styling identity.  And because Rae Sremmurd are “done” (I doubt it), Swae’s career as a solo artist is about to skyrocket.  Especially as an in demand pop-rap crossover artist.  His part here is just great as the youthful exuberant side of this person looking for a hook-up.  That’s not to say Post’s part isn’t good because it definitely is.  This is ideal casting for Post as the wistful side who is struggling to make a connection.

I love this song and I’m so glad it topped the charts.  Now go see Into the Spider-Verse dammit.

 

Spoiler

Ladies and gentlemen.  Welcome to the Ariana Grande era of pop music.  Deal with it.

2. “thank u next” – Ariana Grande

 

And it’s all because of this one song.  This one amazing song changed the pop landscape.  It brought pop music out of its deathbed and I’m so glad it did.  Pop has a long way to go before it becomes the biggest genre once again, but it is songs like these that reminds me why I love pop music.

I understand that it is very easy to be tired of this song by now since it has been big for nearly six months now, but allow me to explain why I will never be tired of it.  It’s all about this song in context with Ariana’s real life.  I can’t think of a single pop star who has had a more traumatic last two years than Ariana.  The Manchester bombings at her concert, the death of her long time ex-boyfriend Mac Miller, her engagement falling apart…and yet here she is.  Pumping out two albums in one year and taking control of the public’s narrative of her engagement falling apart with this one song.  And it’s a damn empowering song at that. 

I wasn’t kidding last year when I said all of her hits would have qualified for my best list last year.  That statement probably won’t ring true this year, but with songs like this, she has a great shot of making an appearance at the end of the year.

 

Spoiler

Oh gee, my number one song of the rankings.  I wonder how low on my best list will it rank this year.  I wonder if I will still like it come December.  Yeah, who knows how I will feel.  That’s why I always say don’t take these rankings too seriously because I can’t predict how much a song will grow or shrink on me.

That being said, the first time I heard this song, it just struck me.  It hit me so hard to the point that I got lost in memories.  This song just hit me that hard on a personal level.  So I’m just going to reveal my number one and then it is story time.

1. “Dancing With a Stranger” – Sam Smith & Normani

 

 

So long time readers of my sharing time thread will know about this girl I had feelings for in my real life for nearly three years of my life.  She shot me down hard and while I tried to move on, it was practically impossible due to her dating a couple of my friends.  It pissed me off for sure that she never gave me that chance, but it was hard for me to get over her.  Well one night, we went to a club for her birthday and I drank one too many.  And then we hit the dance floor as I saw her dancing with one of my friends and I got lost in my feelings and I had to abruptly leave and just wallow in my self-pity.  Then one of her friends came up to me, calmed me down, and then offered to dance with me.  And then I got lost in that one moment of time for a couple of songs.  The rest of this story is irrelevant because she came and went out of my life.  Things didn’t work out and that’s okay.

But yeah.  This one song just got to me.  This is one of the most relatable songs I’ve ever come across.  And it comes from Sam Smith of all people.  If you told past me that Sam Smith would have a song better than his collaboration with Disclosure, I would have completely written that assumption off.  Well look where we are today.  Sam Smith has gotten better over the years and this song just blew me away.  His portion of this song is just stellar.

I’ve told you guys about how much potential I think Normani has.  This solidifies it for me.  How she works off of Sam Smith just makes this full mood circle complete.  I don’t know how she is able to have such great chemistry with the guys she works off, but I can’t picture anybody else.  In terms of former Fifth Harmony members, I get why Camila is getting all the attention, even though I don’t like her nearly as much as I do Normani.  But Normani doesn’t need to get the most buzz because all she has to do is keeping make great music and she will easily be my favorite ex-Fifth Harmony singer.

2019 may not be a strong year for hits so far, but if this excellent song is in the Top 20 right now, the music listening public must be doing something right.

 

And thank you guys for allowing me to procrastinate for a bit.  Best of 1992 won't be that much longer to wait.

[Green Eggs and Ham (Netflix)]

Even though this trailer does absolutely nothing of note (seriously its impossible to judge this teaser trailer more than any other teaser trailer in recent memory), I’m intrigued by this heavily because of who they have casted for their voice actors:

Adam DeVine as Sam-I-Am

Michael Douglas as Guy-Am-I

Diane Keaton as Michellee

Ilana Glazer as Eb

Eddie Izzard as Snerz

Tracy Morgan as Fox

Keegan-Michael Key as Narrator

Daveed Diggs as Mouse

John Turturro as Goat

Jeffrey Wright as McWinkle

Jillian Bell as Gluntz

 

I hope this is good because that’s quite the cast list.

[SBCinema]

On 3/6/2019 at 7:22 PM, Thanos said:

Good. Now that the DCEU is dead, continue the MCU so I can appear.

Only if you snap those Phase One episodes out of existence

[Avengers: Endgame]

My excitement level on a scale from 1 to 10:

[Clappy Was Here]

On 3/1/2019 at 10:21 PM, Monica Geller said:

What classy things can we ask you?

And by “it” I mean things.  Anything can be considered classy if it’s in the right state of mind.

On 3/2/2019 at 12:32 AM, E.V.I.L. said:

I see what you did there :laugh:

 

Did you have FOMO in college and if so.how did you deal with it lel?

Can’t even begin to imagine what FOMO could possibly mean but the name sounds insufferable haha.  And I’m glad you saw what I did there.

[Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)]

Give me those thoughts on that Funky Cold Medina.

[Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)]

Gladly will let you know what I think.

As someone who definitely knows he doesn’t fit in with this community anymore, allow for me to chime in my two cents about your post because I’ve been asked on more than one occasion by some people as to why I still come on here.

Because I’m proud as to how this site has grown.  I’ve grown to accept that I can’t shake the feeling that there will always be a part of me inside wondering how things are going here.  That’s what drove me back this summer knowing what happened and trying to protect the moral integrity of this site.  I know I’m not active around here, but I care too much about the site itself, even if I barely know like 80% of the people who log on here anymore.

But this isn’t about me.  This is about you.  You gotta do what’s right for you.  Real life priorities are far more important.  And this might be selfish of me to say, but I hope you know that a lot of people sure as hell care about you on here.  Even if you feel like you’ve outgrown the site, I personally feel like you can’t outgrow the friends you’ve made despite the fact that this is a website mainly about a cartoon show.  I personally feel like you’re one of the few people I’m closest with around here.  That’s how I feel at least, I can’t read your mind but I hope what I’m saying makes sense.

Continue this thread, abandon it.  Do what you want to do man.  Just don’t let it affect on how you feel as a whole because more people care about you on here than you might realize.  I at least hope you’re fine in whatever weird place you’re at.

[Captain Marvel (Marvel one, not DC one!)]

So yeah.  This was by far the worst of the Phase 3 movies.  Doesn’t mean it was a bad movie or anything.  To me, the MCU has arguably one bad movie and a handful of mediocre to average ones.  Consider this part of the latter. 

I really needed a day to take it all in and try to gather my thoughts after seeing it last night.  The easiest way to sum my thoughts up is that this is a boring Phase 1 MCU film.  Kind of like the first Thor and Captain America films where it was meant to introduce the character primarily and then expand on the character depth more in the sequels, while having no real identity as a stand-alone movie.  It’s just another Marvel movie.  Kind of like Age of Ultron.  Trying to build up anticipation for future movies instead of gaining its own identity.

And yeah, this movie definitely suffers from having an identity crisis.  It is very confused tone wise because it starts off by having Carol being cocky and cutting wisecracks and then once the movie really starts kicking in, her character takes a complete 180 and becomes boring and flat.  The only other times where she starts to become somewhat interesting again is the buddy-cop moments between Carol and Nick Fury.  That’s it.  At least those interactions were good and made me care.  In comparison to her interactions with her pilot buddy Moria, which the movie really tried to make it feel like it was a thing, but I just didn’t care for it.  It felt super forced into the movie to try and show that Carol was still human, but yet again, Carol herself is uninteresting.

I don’t know how a movie with five writers can make their main character this dull.  I don’t know if it’s a director problem because the director duo of this movie have made a few indie dramas I like (Half-Nelson, It’s Kind of a Funny Story).  I don’t know if it’s Brie Larson’s fault.  I love Brie Larson.  I know how good of an actress she is.  But this is the second time in MCU history, where I feel like anyone could have played the part of one of their title characters; the first being The Incredible Hulk and look what happened there.  She didn’t do anything to really make the character memorable to me nor did I really feel like she gel with the part.  Who knows, maybe Brie Larson will make the character her own in Endgame with different direction?  After all, Chris Hemsworth started to impress me more and more as Thor the longer he was the character.

Look I could go more into my problems with this (at least I got my main problems out of the way), but I don’t want this post to be all negative because I didn’t hate it.  Like I said, when the movie was trying to be a buddy cop movie with Carol and Fury, it worked.  The CGI work with the de-aging effect on Nick Fury was excellent.  I could hardly notice it and it blended in very well.  Unfortunately, it didn’t work as well on Coulson because I laughed at times, but hey at least it worked on the second leading star, that’s what counts.  And Ben Mendelsohn, once again playing the antagonist in a big budget blockbuster, was great.  I’m starting to become a real fan of his.  And the comedy did work when it was there, per usual for a MCU movie.  Oh and Goose was great.  And as expected, the post credit scenes only built up my anticipation for Endgame even more.  Please bring on the last week of April.  Like now.

And one more major complaint to wrap this up.  I HATE SHAKY CAMS.  There were too many of those scenes in this movie and it got really bad at times.  Especially in the climax where I could barely tell what was going on.

I really wanted to like this more, but this was supremely disappointing.  Very boring.  And didn’t have a real identity.  I’m not going to write off Captain Marvel as a character yet.  But if she is going to be the new major player in a post Endgame MCU, they really need to fine tune her and give her movies, and more importantly her, personality.  As soon as possible.

Grade: C

And in terms of MCU movies ranked, probably the fourth or fifth worst of the MCU films.  Not sure if this is better or worse than Age of Ultron.  Need to sit on that some more.  But better than The Dark World, The Incredible Hulk, and absolutely better than Iron Man 2.

[SBCinema]

Season finale time on SBCinema.  Thus ending the longest season of any spin-off in SBC history.  Season 5 won't be nearly as long, promise.  Anyway, on with the show!

80. Injustice League

Film: Justice League

Thousands of years ago, Todd Phillips and his legions of white supremacists…I mean Red Pillboys attempted to take over Earth with the combined energies of three Lunchables. They were foiled by a unified army that includes the OlympiStans, Stanazons, AtlanteStans, stankind, and anything else you can parody with -stans. After repelling Todd Phillips's army, the Lunchables were separated and hidden in locations on the planet. In the present, stankind is in mourning over Supergameman for however long it took for Clappy to finally wrap this storyline up, whose death triggers the Lunchables to reactivate and Todd Phillips's return to Earth. In an effort to regain favor with his master DarknessDG, Todd Phillips aims to gather the boxes to form "The Whitity", which will destroy Earth's ecology and terraform it in the image of Todd Phillips's ideal society.

Todd Phillips retrieves the Pizza Lunchable from the island of Reputation, prompting Queen Taylor to warn her daughter Kylie of Todd Phillips's return. Kylie joins JCM in his attempt to unite other metamembers to their cause, with JCM going after Omair and Who, while Kylie tries to locate Cyborg from Teen Titans Go to play this version of Cyborg. JCM fails to persuade Omair, but manages to recruit an enthusiastic The Who onto the team. Although Kylie fails to convince Cyborg to join because it sounds lame, Cyborg agrees to help them locate the threat after Kylie gives him some waffles.  Cyborg later joins the team after the rest of the Teen Titans Go cast are kidnapped by Todd Phillips seeking to acquire the Lunchables from mankind.  Which means its time for Cyborg to get SERIOUS.

 

Todd Phillips attacks a Lllama Farm outpost to retrieve the Nacho Lunchable, forcing Llamaman into action. The team receives intel from Commissioner G4ry Gordon to watch Up.  One viewing later, there is a post-credits scene added on that leads them to Todd Phillips's army, based in an abandoned facility under SBC Harbor. Although the group manages to rescue the rest of the Teen Titans, the facility is flooded during combat, which traps the team until Omair helps delay the flood with his Nutella magic so they can escape. Cyborg retrieves the last Lunchable, which he had hidden, for the group to analyze. Cyborg reveals in a SERIOUS tone that his father used the Ham and Cheese Lunchable to rebuild Cyborg's body after an accident almost cost him his life. JCM decides to use the Lunchable to resurrect Supergameman, not only to help them fight off Todd Phillips's invasion, but also to restore hope to stankind. Kylie and Omair are hesitant about the idea, but JCM forms a secret contingency plan in case Supergameman returns as hostile.

Bub Fehing's body is exhumed and placed in the amniotic fluid of The Ban Game chamber of the Gametonian scout ship alongside the Lunchable, which in turn activates and successfully resurrects Supergameman. However, Supergameman's memories have not returned, and he attacks the group with spam posts after Cyborg accidentally launches a projectile at him in a SERIOUS mistake. On the verge of being killed by Supergameman, Cameo Man enacts his contingency plan: Katie Kinks. Supergameman calms down and leaves with Katie to the games section of SBC, where he reflects and his memories slowly come back. In the turmoil, the last Lunchable is left unguarded and Todd Phillips retrieves it with ease. Without Supergameman to aid them, the five heroes travel to Discord where Todd Phillips aims to unite the Lunchables once again to remake Earth. The team fights their way through the Red Pillboys to reach Todd Phillips, although they are unable to distract him enough for Cyborg to SERIOUSLY separate the Lunchables. Supergameman arrives and assists The Who in evacuating the Discord, as well as Cyborg in SERIOUSLY separating the Lunchables. The team defeats Todd Phillips, who, overcome with fear, is attacked on Twitter by his own Red Pillboys before they all teleport away.

After the battle, JCM and Kylie agree to set up a base of operations for the team, with room for more metamembers. As the team is now established, Kylie steps back into the public spotlight as Wonder Homie; The Who acquires a job with Netflix, until he argues with the higher ups about cancelling Marvel’s Netflixverse; Cyborg reunites with the rest of the Teen Titans as they go back to Titans Tower and watch cartoons; Omair embraces some good ole Nutella and continues protecting llamas and anything that’s CUTE LOL, JCM prepares for his next cameo, and Supergameman resumes his life as reporter Bub Fehing and as protector of games.

In a mid-credits scene, The Who and Supergameman decide to have a binge race to see if Supergameman can reach 1000+ posts in the game section before WhoBob can finish the latest season of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

In a post-credits scene, Sex Suthor has escaped from Forgotten Members Asylum and then recruits Spikey Wikey to form their own league…until the announcement is official that the DC Extended Universe is no longer interconnected and all superhero properties are focusing on their own films for now.  Meaning no Legion of Boom.

THE END OF THE SBCDCEU

[Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100]

14 hours ago, Chef said:

Ironically, "All 4 Love" is one of the songs I hear at work all the time too. Not to mention a lot of the adult contemporary stuff from the year like Jon Secada, CeCe Peniston, and Amy Grant play there too.

Yeah my first retail job when I was in high school had a lot of adult contemporary.  They were a faith based company that played the safest stuff possible from around this time period and the early 2000s.  Amy Grant was definitely on there too, but more on her later with my full rankings from this year.

[Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100]

The year was 1992 and....it was something, alright.

 

Now usually this is the part where I say if a year was good or not, but in all honesty, I'm a little perplexed on what to call this year.  So you'll have to bear with me for this analogy.  Remember how I thought 2018 was a pretty bad year, but the best list had such great music that could compete with best lists from this decade?  Well, it's a little ironic that I ended up doing this year for my latest year end retrospective because it's a case of deja vu all over again.

That doesn't mean 1992 was necessarily a bad year.  You could see the seeds being planted in hindsight for how the next couple years were going to turn out with hip-hop, R&B, and grunge rock starting to emerge from the surface since those were the big three genres for the next couple years that ruled most of the 90s.  But what did dominate most of this year end list was a crap ton of soft rock and adult contemporary.  Yeah most of this year end list bored the ever living shit out of me, just like 2018.  I had to relisten to most of this list to try and remember how some of these songs ended up going.  The struggle was real covering this year, but I'm pretty proud how both of these lists turned out when it was all said and done.  So strap on your seat belts as we save the best for last.  We're counting down!

 

CLAPPY'S TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 1992

 

Spoiler

So based off my preamble, you’re fully expecting this worst list to be a crap ton of easy listening shlock.  Well..you’re not wrong.  But fear not guys, I have room for plain ole garbage like this.

 

10. “Addams Groove” – MC Hammer

 

I was so close to saving this from here because at least it makes me laugh at how dated and awful it is.  It’s so easy to look back at how dated all of MC Hammer’s corporate tie-ins are.  You can’t help but feel awful for the guy knowing how the story of Hammer’s fame went from here…actually I don’t.  Not even the slightest.  Hammer did this to himself.  When you whore yourself out to consumerism the way he did, you can only feel the slightest amount of pity.

…or maybe I should show some pity towards the Hammer?  After all, this song managed to outpeak most of his other hits, including the iconic “U Can’t Touch This.”  This song.  About life as a next door neighbor to The Addams Family.  I wish I was making this alarming statistic up.

I haven’t talked about the actual song yet.  Because there is little to no substance towards it.  It namedrops the characters, but nothing else warrants its existence.  Hell, I understand the reasoning behind Hammerman over his shamelessly half-assed corporate tie-in.  Wise investment Paramount.  That Razzie you won for this was certainly worth however much Hammer made off it.

The Addams Family has an animated movie coming to theaters in October 2019.  It’s not too late to remake this song for it!

 

Spoiler

And speaking of shameless consumerism for movie studios, we have a tale as old as time.

 

9. “Beauty & the Beast” – Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson

 

Another 90s year end retrospective and another Celine Dion appearance.  I swear to God I don’t hate this woman’s music.  But this explanation needs a bit of context:

 

This is the version that you are all familiar with from the movie.  It’s a beautiful performance from Angela Lansbury.  Her voice lends a bit of world weariness that can’t be overstated.  Like words of wisdom passed down from generations that really make this love song about friends falling in love reall sound like a tale as old as time.  If this was the version that charted on this year end list, it would for sure be in my Top 10…hell Top 5.  I love Angela Lansbury’s version that much.

And then you have this version.  It technically sounds good, yeah.  I think they both sing this just fine.  But compare it to the movie rendition and it just sounds cheap.  At the time, both of these stars were not household names yet, so Disney got them for cheap to do this song for their tie-in and you can tell how cheap this is.  I don’t even consider this a duet with how much vocal harmonizing they do on this.

I feel absolutely nothing at all from this.  No chemistry, no emotion, no personality whatsoever.  Without the context of the movie, this is just another easy listening duet for adult contemporary stations in a time period where the charts were flooded with these.  That’s why it makes my list.  For being absolutely indistinguishable from this year as a whole.  Next.

 

Spoiler

As I’ve mentioned before, while doing these year-end retrospectives, I like to absorb as much of the pop culture landscape as I can to really understand what was popular this year not just from music, but from movies and television as well.  The reason I mention this is because apparently this show existed back in 1992:

https://www.buzzfeed.com/briangalindo/the-heights-the-only-cancelled-tv-show-with-a-no-1-billboard

Wow a short lived show with horribly low ratings managed to score a number one hit song due to its theme song?  That must be one hell of a song.  Play it.

 

8. “How Do You Talk to An Angel” – The Heights

 

Or it must be another easy listening snooze fest from this dull year.  I mean look at that song title.  That’s the sort of shit you’ll hear douchebags play on their guitar to women in order to get laid.  And the lead singer of this band has a pretty punchable voice to back up my assumption.  And good lord, that saxophone.  I love the sax, but it has no purpose being here.  It does nothing but show up abruptly multiple times.  I feel bad for it because it deserves to be on a much better song.

Sad thing is…and because I have nothing else to do with my life…I checked out the rest of that sole album in their discography.  Not a single song of theirs has anything remotely worth mentioning except that saxophone again absurdly comes in out of nowhere on multiple tracks.  Was that part of the charm behind the show?  Those meddling kids and their saxophone too!

Seriously, give me Big Time Rush or any other show about a band trying to get famous over these guys if this was the quality of their content.

 

Spoiler

 

So yeah 1992.  Nirvana is becoming one of the biggest acts in the entire industry.  Grunge is perfectly acceptable in the mainstream after being underground for years.  People now think it is okay to wear flannel button ups and cut holes in your jeans.  And hair metal is basically on its last legs as everyone is now trying to be the next Nirvana.  Including these assholes.

 

7. “Everything About You” – Ugly Kid Joe

 

Okay give me one minute.  I’m editing this as I post it because I’ve never seen the video up until this point.  I’m laughing.  I thought to myself that I can just picture it being these guys angrily playing this up on the beach stomping around like pissed off five year olds.

Anyway…I mean assholes in the most flagrant way possible.  I get the joke behind their band name, but I wish I was listening to Pretty Boy Floyd.  Because this song and this band is just awful intentionally and unintentionally.  There is being angst and then there is this.  Lead singer Joe, I don’t care if that’s his name don’t @ me, is just the fucking worst.  He bitches about everything with his nasally grating voice and not a single lick of his angst makes any sense.  So according to Joe, this is what really grinds his gears:

-Rain and sunny weather
-Beaches and mountains
-The city
-The countryside
-YOU
-YOUR mother
-YOUR father
-YOUR sister
-Sex

And why does he hate all of this?  Because he’s a hermit who doesn’t like the outside?  Because he’s living in a box?  Because he hates families?  Because he’s not getting any?  We never find out.  We just listen to these guys bitch and moan and end on a really bad Pee Wee Herman impression.  Seriously, the last minute of this song completely jumps the shark in ways that I can’t even begin to explain.

Honestly, more than anything, this song makes me think this was the inspiration of nu-metal nearly ten years later.  It’s all there.  Right down to the Limp Bizkit rap breakdown in that baffling last minute I mentioned earlier.  And really.  That’s what 1992 really needed.  Angry white boys bitching about life.  Eat shit.  Next.

 

Spoiler

So I know what you are all thinking, when am I going to get to “Achy Breaky Heart”?

If you want to look at a potential brain child for the “bro-country” trend, look no further than this meat-headed clunker.  But it’s not going to make this list.  At all.  I actually admire at how self-awarely stupid this song is.  And unlike what I placed at number ten, I can at least come back to it.  That chorus is such an awful, yet somewhat catchy earworm.

That song is such an easy target to go for, but I always aim to be honest with these lists.  And in this year especially, I have to stay true to what pisses me off the most.

 

6. “Stay” – Shakespear’s Sister

 

If you want a poster child for what I got sick of fast this year, it was slow tedious ballads like this.  I read publications while doing research about this band calling this song in particular, intense and dramatic.  Could have fooled me with how dull and boring the first half of this song is.  This was the breaking point for me listening through this year.  I literally banged my head on my desk just asking myself who the hell was this for?  You can’t get more natural reactions than this when it comes to my retrospectives.

This song would have placed so much lower on this list if it didn’t pick up tempo during the second half of this song with lead singer, Siobhan Fahey.  That saved it a lot.  But even then, it doesn’t cover the fact that Shakespear’s other other sister here is by far the worst part of the duo.  The fact that she gets 80% of this song singing her whiny nasally voice about this guy makes me prefer other versions of this done to death topic.  Hell, I can’t believe I’m saying this, I would take Sam Smith telling him to stay with me over this girl.  Yeah, that’s how low the bar is being set today.

 

Spoiler

I never thought I would see the day that a group as great as Boyz II Men would make it on one of my worst lists, but even I have my limitations as to what acts I like can or can't get away with.

 

5. “Uhh Ahh” – Boyz II Men

 

Boyz II Men has made a lot of music I’ve liked.  Hell, I’m going to go one step further.  They’ve made a lot of music I love.  But this…what in the ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one hells is this?  I mean I know the ladies wouldn’t mind hearing these guys moaning and groaning into their ears, but I sure as hell don’t.

Scratch that.  Ladies, be honest.  Is anything about this song sexy?  I mean I guess maybe the verses, but even then, this is Boyz II Men.  They owned this decade with so many great sultry jams and ballads with their vocal harmony.  This is C-level material from these guys.

But yeah, this makes it on this list 80% for that intro and especially that chorus.  It’s just thoroughly unpleasant to listen to them harmonize about their “OH!” faces.  Worst song of theirs for sure.

 

Spoiler

Even with my absolute disappointment in Boyz II Men above, it could always be worse.

 

4. “All 4 Love” – Color Me Badd

 

Color me surprised to see these hacks show up on another worst list from this decade.  And what is this?  They are butchering soul music?  Again?

Look I love new jack swing as a genre, and this groove is the only positive thing about this song.  But Jesus they turned this sample into one of the whitest songs I’ve ever heard.  It’s so corny and cheesy that I’m going to vomit.

I wondered where I heard this song before and I realized after the first twenty seconds it was on my first job’s work playlist where they played the safest, least offensive mush.  So maybe that adds additional layers to my deep hatred for this.  And you know what the worst thing is about this song and this band.  That almost all of these guys, especially lead singer Bryan Abrams?  Their lack of harmonizing.  Seriously, Abrams sounds like he always has helium in his voice.

I h8 this song all 4 U 2...yeah that's how I'm going to end this.  With a badd pun.

 

Spoiler

And speaking of white artists ruining black music…

 

3. “When a Man Loves a Woman” – Michael Bolton

 

Look, I don’t necessarily hate Michael Bolton.  If anything, I feel like he’s redeemed himself in my eyes with all of his self-aware parodies of his oversinging with The Lonely Island.  But let’s not call a spade a spade.  He was not good.  And honestly, this might be his worst song to me until I come across something of his that’s truly undisputedly awful. 

Honestly, all my problems with this cover comes down to listening to how much better the original is compared to this:

 

Seriously listen to this.  It’s beautiful.  Listen to how poised Percy Sledge sounds here.  He displays the right amount of conviction and passion without going over the top.  Compared to Michael Bolton, who sounds like a horse who got its leg amputated the entire time singing this song.  Look, I’m going to save my deeper analysis for more deserving songs.  If you want to know why this is as low as it is, it’s due to being one of the worst covers I’ve ever heard and Michael Bolton sounding like he’s getting castrated the entire time singing.  That’s seriously all the analysis it needs.  If you’re expecting more coverage of Michael Bolton, well here he is singing about his incredible thoughts:

 

 

Spoiler

 

How we got from here to this point over the course of one year is just astonishing.

2. “Wildside” – Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch

 

I really wish that I never knew this existed and that Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch were just a one hit wonder.  But nope, we got to talk about this.  Their other huge hit.  It’s fucking terrible.  Where do I begin?

For starters, that sample.  I get why they used it.  Lou Reed’s song was quite controversial back then for tackling such taboo topics like transsexuals, drugs, and prostitution.  Mark Wahlberg intentionally wanted to do what Lou Reed for modern times because it was 1992 and America was going through plenty of political uprising around this time to.  Except there is one tiny problem…THIS SONG IS BEING NARRORATED BY MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH.

Nobody wants to hear this tale from Mark Fucking Wahlberg of all people.  As someone who has followed his career for a long time not just for his music, but for his acting, there is no polite way of saying this.  Mark Wahlberg was a fucking tool.  He may not be now with all the charity work he’s done and his proudly open stance on same-sex marriages.  But there is no erasing what he did in his teenage years into his early twenties where he was a racially intolerant bigot.  He harassed black people by shouting the n-word at them and struck multiple Vietnamese men with weapons in an attempt at murder.

That’s my main problem with this song.  I’m being told that violence, intolerance, and greed is bad by someone who had a track record for being a punk ass shit nearly two years earlier.  And even if I’m having a hard time separating the art from the artist, this still sounds bad.  Mark Wahlberg’s flow on this is awful.  He’s trying too hard to match his flow with the sample and it comes off as limp and lame.

Nothing about this song works even on a remotely basic level.  And that’s why this group fell off the face of the planet immediately after this.  What the heck.

 

Spoiler

Look.  By all accounts, I get why “Wildside” should easily top this list.  I had to restrain myself from commenting even more about every single problem I have with that song.  I had pages of material.  But at the end of the day, I would be lying to myself.  Just because I can write enough commentary about one song doesn’t define what makes a song the worst of a year for me. 

But during this year in particular, my number one choice came down to one thing for me.  What song gave me the least to justify its existence?  And in this rather interchangeable year of dull music, this is the one who’s existence and popularity baffled me the most.  And it came from the biggest name in pop music.

 

1. “This Used to Be My Playground” – Madonna

 

I refuse to believe Madonna performed this for the longest time.  “A League of Their Own” is one of my father’s favorite movies and once those end credits roll, even he calls it quits because this song is just too boring for even him to listen to.  So color me surprised that I found out that Madonna was the woman who made this turgid slog of a song. 

Madonna.  One of the defining names in pop music history.  The woman who has made her name present on the charts for going on over four decades.  A woman who has proven capable of changing her style to go along with the times…actually you know what?  That explains a lot as to why I hate this so much.  Because we know Madonna is capable of being so much more than a trendsetter.  Not a trend rider.

Granted that’s what she is now as she’s grabbing for whatever remaining hopes of relevance she can get.  But not during the peak years of Madonna’s popularity.  I mean just the year before, she released a piece of dog shit in “Justify My Love” but that is absolutely something Madonna would have made.

Not this though.  This is Madonna on autopilot not trying anything remotely new or challenging.  Hell, even these lyrics are super basic.

Don't look back
Keep your head held high
Don't ask why
Because life is short
And before you know
You're feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don't hold on to the past
Well that's too much to ask

And that's just one of the verses.  These lyrics.  They convey nothing.  The whole song means nothing.  Madonna sounds bored performing this.  I'm bored listening to it.  And yet, this was one of the biggest number one hits of this year.  How?  Was the general public really this uninterested in actually listening to good music?  I never want to hear this damn song ever again.

This song perfectly represents how boringly bad most of the songs this year were.  I can't wait to remind myself what good came from this year next year because writing this list took a lot out of me in terms of creativity.  So I'll wrap this list off right with reminding you all that there is no crying in baseball.

 

[Clappy Was Here]

12 hours ago, E.V.I.L. said:

Dude planning stress is da qorst? v

:laugh:

How are you planning stress if you don’t mind me asking?

9 hours ago, Katniss said:

Have you listened to Billie Eilish?

I have.  Not really a fan to be honest.  I kinda see the appeal but at the same time, her music doesn’t really do anything for me except make me wish Lorde was more relevant again.

[Clappy Was Here]

On 2/23/2019 at 12:35 PM, E.V.I.L. said:

Have you been watching season 6 of B99?

I have.  It’s been so good.  Even if I’m still not over a certain someone leaving the show for good.

On 2/24/2019 at 1:41 AM, kev said:

i fucks with bad idea hard?

Same.  I hope she pushes it as a single.

On 2/25/2019 at 8:05 PM, Sauce Mama said:

thats so funny cuz everyone ive talked to about the album says bad idea is the worst on the album, including myself. BUT bloodline goes harrrrd. And i lold at your skrrt skrrt comment cuz i was thinking the same thing? 

I’ve seen that too and I don’t get why so many people think that.  Is it because of the last minute?

I guarantee she releases bloodline as her next single.  I can see that as a song of the summer contender if she remakes it with a guest verse from someone like Nicki Minaj or Cardi B.

[Clappy Was Here]

On 2/21/2019 at 7:48 PM, Emma Stone said:

The Rocketman trailer looks good IMO, I really hope it’s a solid biopic unlike that other rock movie I could mention?

Yeah it does look good and I’ll be blunt since I see that scratched out stuff, Bohemian Rhapsody was okay.  Rami Malek makes the movie a hell of a lot better than it has any right to be.

[Clappy Was Here]

On 2/15/2019 at 3:59 PM, E.V.I.L. said:

Tag yourself I'm Jason?

I’d like to say I’m a mixture of Chidi and Eleanor.

On 2/16/2019 at 12:53 AM, Rian Johnson said:

 favorite & least favorite songs from the ty, next album?

Oh this is a tough one since I generally liked the album.  More so than sweetner.

Faves: bad idea (best song on the album), needy, bloodline, and of course, the title track

Least Faves: 7 rings, in my head (mostly for having the most pathetic skrt skrt I’ve ever heard) and make up (for mostly being disposable)

[Clappy Was Here]

On 2/13/2019 at 4:16 PM, Emma Stone said:

I’m still sad about what happened in the season 3 finale?

Me too.  Even though I know Chidi will fall in love with Eleanor all over again because they are soulmates.

On 2/13/2019 at 8:24 PM, Rian Johnson said:

what do we think of "Not Evil" from the LEGO Movie 2, arguably the best musical number? 

Third favorite of mine after Catchy Song and the end credit song with Beck, Robyn, and The Lonely Island.

On 2/14/2019 at 12:56 AM, E.V.I.L. said:

I still have to watch seasonn3 , but college is so damn busy ?

Well check it out when you get the time man.  It definitely is worth it and has my favorite episode of the entire series.

16 hours ago, Rian Johnson said:

wtf i don’t remember there being a big twist in season 2?

We talked about this and I still believe them coming back to life was not expected by me initially.

[Ask Miss Smiles!]

Happy Birthday!  Where has the time gone, mang!  Hope you have an awesome one and that all is well with you?  

[Best and Worst of Entertainment 2018 Edition: The Lists Awaken]

So yeah, I don't care what the narrative says.  2018 for film was awesome!

 

The public mood may have been dour all year long, but one format of media decided to take this to its advantage and remind us to lighten up now and then.  Film was my escapism for most of the year as it tuned me out for a hour and a half at a time just to remind me to turn my brain off.  And honestly, I did that a lot more this year than I did in years past and I enjoyed the movies this year a lot more because of it.  One of the more memorable movie years in recent memory challenging 2016 and possibly surpassing it as one of the best of this decade behind 2012.  So enough rambling, let me share with you all some of the best of the best this year in my eyes.  You know it's a great year when I had to cut myself off in regards of honorable mentions.

 

Honorable Mentions:

Spoiler

Skyscraper

Probably the least conventional choice to make my best list this year, but I can’t help it.  It’s a shameless rip-off of Die Hard.  Well news for you guys, but Die Hard is one of my favorite movies of all-time.  I wish popcorn movies would try to replicate what made that movie work.  Also helping it is one of the most charismatic actors today being in this.  This movie would be so much worse without The Rock.

 

Blockers

Comedy may be a dying genre, but there are still some really good ones being made out there.  Seriously, I want to see a revival for this genre soon.  Also, this is the movie that officially made me take John Cena's acting career seriously.

 

Creed II

Not as good as the first, which was my runner up best film of 2015.  But still a really good follow-up.  I love how this played as a continuation of the lowkey great Rocky IV.  I had a feeling they would touch upon the Drago/Apollo fight at some point with this rebooted franchise, but not as soon as we got it.  Definitely lived up to my expectations even if the film itself was a step back from the gripping original.

 

Halloween (2019)

Who would have thought that it would have taken the guys who made The Pineapple Express to be able to save the Halloween franchise?  Strange timeline we are living in.  Oh and this is also the best Jamie Lee Curtis has been in over twenty years.  She should start getting real acting roles again instead of making yogurt commercials.

 

Ant-Man and The Wasp

Marvel Studios seriously can’t do no wrong as of late.

 

Aquaman

The DC cinematic universe is getting better.  It provided one of the best climax action scenes of the year.  Progress.

 

Bumblebee

And the Transformers franchise has new hope as well.  Even if it means borrowing heavily from 80s family movie clichs like E.T.  I’ll still take it because this was a franchise that always had such bigger potential than Michael Bay ever gave it credit for.

 

The Incredibles 2

I thought for sure after seeing this that this would be a lock for my Top 5.  And I get the unpopular opinion that I think this movie was equal to the first in terms of quality, but I still stand by it.  The family dynamic is stronger, the animation is slicker, Jak-Jak vs the raccoon is one of the top three best scenes of this year.  I can gush about this movie forever.  But let this be a sign as to how strong I thought this year really was that this didn’t even make the list proper.

 

Crazy Rich Asians

You know what genre seems to be getting a back end of the decade revival?  Romantic comedies.  The quality seems to be upticking more often than not as of late.  This movie was great.  The chemistry between our two leads was excellent.  The screenwriting was top notch.  Also Constance Wu is quickly becoming a celebrity crush of mine.

 

Would You Be My Neighbor?

Documentaries are rarely ever my cup of tea, but Fred Rogers was someone I grew up watching and this documentary about him is just straight up great. 

 

The Hate U Give

Amanda Stenberg's career is only going to keep rising meteorically from here.  What a phenomenal performance.  I still can't believe it's only been six years since she stole my heart as Rue from The Hunger Games.  

 

Mission Impossible: Fallout

Christ.  I don’t even have room for the best Mission Impossible movie of all time on my best list?  Is it too late now to make this a Top 20 best films list of the year?

 

Blindspotting

Terminoob says you all should go see this.  He’s not wrong you know.  I saw this in second run at our local cheap theater and it’s really good.  It’s a buddy comedy with seething amounts of social commentary.  Would have made the list if it wasn’t for the sometimes cringy dialogue.

 

Hereditary

Of all the excellent movies that were painful cuts from this best list, this was probably the most painful of them all.  This was just a flat out excellent year to be a horror movie and Hereditary manages to tell a moving yet terrifying story of a family being haunted by disturbing occurrences.  If it wasn’t for an awful ending, this movie would have been surely up pretty damn high.  But I’m not going to let the last ten minutes withhold it from being amazing from start up until that point.  It should be recognized for being one of my many favorites from this year.

 

And those were only the previews.  Time to sit back and enjoy the show.

 

CLAPPY'S TOP TEN BEST FILMS OF 2018

 

Spoiler

It may be number ten on my list, but this is without a doubt, the biggest movie of 2018.

 

10. Black Panther

 

This was the movie of the year.  The biggest earner.  The most talked about.  The most debated.  It broke industry records.  It set new standards for superhero movies.  It became the first superhero movie ever nominated for Best Picture.  Black Panther set the bar supremely high when 2018 started and it’s still being talked about today for everything it accomplished.

As for me, personally?  It’s pretty great.  Not as amazing as I initially first thought it was.  But this was definitely the best original MCU superhero movie since the first Iron Man ten years ago.  Yeah it had its fair share of problems like the CGI being hit or miss, especially in the climax.  I didn’t like the death fake out upon rewatch.  Why even bother with that when you’re advertising him to be alive for Infinity War?  Use your heads Disney.

But the positives heavily outweigh the negatives in many ways.  First off, Wakanda is absolutely breathtaking both visually and as a statement on the whole.  I love how beautiful they made this country just so they can tear it down critically in the movie.  Watching T’Challa call his father and other ancestors a nation of cowards for not opening themselves up to the world.  That just resonated with me with modern times where we have a president that wants to close ourselves off by building walls and kicking out immigrants.  Not since The Dark Knight has a superhero movie confronted modern political agonies in complex and resonant ways. 

Then you have the acting where everyone is great.  Chadwick Boseman, Lupita Nyong’o, Danai Gurira, Letitia Wright…look, Kat said it best in the thread by pointing out how excellent this cast is.  And I agree.  When Marvel casted their first predominantly black cast, they literally grabbed the best people to play these parts.  But in case you haven’t noticed, I left out one name and it’s the villain that steals the entire movie.  Michael B. Jordan is a revelation as Killmonger.  His motivations aren’t as evil as you’d initially expect.  He spent his whole life learning about his roots and knows that there is a greater power in Wakanda and that it’s not being utilized to its full potential.  Knowing his backstory, we know why he has a harsher view on life and understand why he wants to do what he wants to do.  Every scene he’s in, he fucking steals and slays.  I love his performance.

Look, I’m not going to sit here and give you a multitude of a think pieces about the cultural significance of this movie.  I just love this movie and what a first impression Black Panther left.  Definitely looking forward to Black Panther being a focal point of the Marvel Cinematic Universe for years to come.  Especially if the quality is as excellent as this.  Wakanda Forever!

 

Spoiler

 

As you all know by now, I have a soft spot for teenage coming of age movies.  John Hughes movies were films I grew up on.  And the fact that we keep getting a new classic year after year lately shows that there are people out there who were influenced from Hughes movies growing up too.  My movie going experience thanks them for that.

 

9. Love, Simon

 

From the very first moment I saw this trailer, I was sold and knew that this was going to be special.  This is a first of its kind for mainstream studios to make a romantic teen comedy about a gay teen.  But you know what’s special about this movie?  It doesn’t want you to feel sorry for Simon because he’s hiding the fact that he’s gay.  It wants you to relate to him hiding a secret from the world.  You could have focused the movie entirely on us feeling pity for him and I don’t know if this would have worked nearly as well as it did.  Because they emphasized how happy he was with his life through his friendships, the love he has for his family, and just being a normal every day teen; it worked so much better as a movie because of it. 

That’s where I bring up the John Hughes elements.  It’s all in the way this movie is written and performed.  If John Hughes wrote a LGBT coming of age movie about inclusion, this would exactly be how I imagined it.  How this movie is written is excellent outside of the only problem I had with this movie (and we’ll get to that shortly).  I lost track of time just watching Simon and his friends interact with each other as well as Simon investigating amongst his friends which one was Blue.  And then the amount of times I teared up watching Simon come out to his parents just broke my heart.  The performances are all top notch, with of course Nick Robinson as Simon being the best of the bunch.  This kid is going to be a huge star, mark my words.

My only problem with this movie was how it handled the antagonist, Martin.  Martin does some cruel, outright terrible things to Simon in an attempt to blackmail him.  You keep expecting him to get his comeuppance and it just never comes.  I mean he does humiliate himself at one point, but that’s not enough.  Hell at the end of the movie, he goes one good deed without any sort of realization that he was being a toxic asshat for a majority of the movie.

Otherwise, this is one of my favorite genres and I can forgive it’s only problem enough because the rest of this movie is just such a welcomed breathe of fresh air.  I love Love, Simon and I hope we keep getting more Hughes-esque movies for a new generation.

 

Spoiler

You know what’s an overdone year end list analysis, cliché?  I hope this turns into a cult classic.  I hear that phrase way too much to the point that it just feels overdone.  We, as a society, need to come up with better analysis.

Anyway, I hope this next one turns into a cult classic.

 

8. Bad Times at the El Royale

 

This flew under a lot of radars this year as it got lost in the fall release schedule shuffle.  I don’t know how because the trailers for this were just fantastic for it and immediately had me sold.  It underperformed at the box office like Drew Goddard’s previous film, Cabin in the Woods.  And I hope this ends up having the same fate as that because this was just a good time all around.

I love this movie.  Probably more than I did Cabin in the Woods.  Mostly due to the fact that I love mystery thrillers.  They are such an underrated genre that we don’t get enough of anymore.  If we can get one of those revivals soon, that would be great.  Also I don’t feel like Drew Goddard wrote himself into a corner like he did with Cabin. 

The best comparison I can give to it is this.  Imagine if Quentin Tarantino directed a pure popcorn movie with some of his trademark touches like graphic violence and a retro soundtrack, but added in some social subtext.  Everything else on this list got its fair amount of praise this year, but to me this is the most underlooked movie of 2018.  Go see it.

 

Spoiler

7. Searching

 

 

No preamble for this one.  Just going to get straight to the point.  I love it when films try to experiment with new ideas and while this idea has somewhat been done before with Unfriended; this one is filmed entirely with smartphones along with computer screens, browser windows, and surveillance footage.  But instead of focusing entirely on jumpscares like the aforementioned horror movie, this is just a natural thriller that keeps you on the edge of your seat the entire movie.

And how does it do that?  By investing you from the very beginning.  You see that David is a widowed father who has a distant relationship with his daughter Margot.  And the moment he realizes that she actually is missing, you see his world starts to crumble…and yeah, from that point on, the extremities he goes to feel natural.  You see him explore through her laptop via Skype, Facebook, and what have you just to find out any sort of possible lead to locate his daughter.

But you know what exactly made me decide this was one of the best movies of the year?  How the story progressed from all of Margot’s classmates talking about how little they knew about her near the start of this search up until the moment news broke that Margot died and you see those exact same classmates post YouTube videos, Facebook and Instagram posts, tweets about how close they were to Margot for some pity likes and retweets.  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CALLING OUT THIS BULLSHIT, SEARCHING!  YOU HAVE MY UPMOST RESPECT.  I know too many people like that on social media who act like they were super close with the recently deceased.  They just want attention and that’s such a horseshit way to grab it.  Searching is the only movie I’ve seen tackle this issue and I can’t praise it enough for calling out that bullshit.

Even with that note in mind, Searching is an excellent movie that flew under a lot of people’s radars.  Go do yourselves a favor and check this one out.

 

Spoiler

So I don’t know how many toes I’ll be stepping on with this coming statement, so I’ll just flat out admit…I’m not the biggest fan of period pieces. 

 

I don’t know what it is about them.  Maybe it’s that most of them aren’t all that compelling.  Honestly, it’s mostly because I think so many of them exist because it is a surefire way for actors and actresses to get nominated for acting awards.  I call them “awardsbait movies” for a reason.

These movies have their tropes just as recurring as any other genre and unlike other genres, period pieces tend to bore me more often than any other because they don’t try anything new.  Well this year, I managed to find a period piece that actually manages to subvert my expectations from the genre.

 

6. The Favourite

 

I’ll get to the gushing over how great this movie was in a minute, but first some slight context as to what made this my favorite period piece in quite some time (and no it’s not specifically Emma Stone’s involvement).  The main reason this works is because of the director, Yorgos Lanthimos.  He’s not well known yet, but I hope this movie does elevate more people to check him out.  His most recognized work before this was a black comedy from 2015 called The Lobster.  It’s about a man who has 45 days to find true love, otherwise he will turn into an animal.  That’s the kind of director he is.  Making really unconventional movies.

And that’s why I bring his previous film up.  Because this is not a conventional period piece.  It’s actually pretty funny to go alongside its usual drama, but even then, the drama isn’t as conventional as your typical period piece.  It’s about Queen Anne having a secret affair with her adviser Sarah and then another secret affair with Sarah’s cousin Abigail.  Now I don’t know how historically accurate any of this is since my knowledge of Queen Anne is admittedly a big zero, but progressive representation of LBGT in your historical period pieces like this are rare at this point and time.

But yeah let’s get to the acting.  All phenomenal around the board.  Emma Stone and Rachel Weisz are probably on their ways to supporting actress nominations, but I would like to highlight lesser known Olivia Colman, someone give her more major roles.  She’s a future star in the making as Queen Anne.  This Best Actress race is going to be tough to call with all the great candidates to choose from.

Perfect example as to why I do these film lists late.  Otherwise, I’d miss absolute surprises like one of my new favourites.

 

Spoiler

 

…yeah I can’t believe this either.

 

5. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

 

That meme literally says it all.  The drastic improvement from where Sony Animation was this time last year in my eyes to where they are now, after ONE movie, speaks volumes.  It speaks volumes as to how Phil Lord and Chris Miller can literally do no wrong.

Okay let me give everyone else their due diligence too.  The animation team who made this gets a lot of the credit too.  This movie is beautiful to look at.  I just want to sit back and watch without analyzing it.  It’s breathtaking watching these characters interact, go from scene to scene, watching Miles go through New York City in his new suit, the climax against Kingpin, anytime Prowler is on screen….I could go on and on.  So many visuals.

But even with the amazing animation, I just love how this movie is a love letter to everything Spider-Man.  From the easter eggs to all the different cinematic sagas, to all the multiple and accurate backstories to all these Spider-people, to all the obscure pop culture items like that disgustingly designed Spider-Man popsicle I had as a child, to even re-enacting this meme:

This movie was a love letter to everything Spider-Man.  Which is a perfect way to introduce Miles Morales into the cinematic picture.  Miles Morales has been rumored to appear on the main screen for some time now and while I still would like to see him in live action someday, making him the star of the animated universe Sony is creating is great.  They made Miles a super relatable character that has so much depth that I can’t wait to see where they go with him.

 

Spoiler

I feel like I’ve talked about this a lot in the back half of the 2010s, but the horror genre is on the upswing in quality.  The honorable mentions list had more horror movies on it alone than I’ve had on best lists in general over the past few years.  Unfortunately, I only had room for one on this year’s list.  And it comes from…

…Jim Halpert?  No…this can’t be right….

 

4. A Quiet Place

 

…okay, this is the second year in a row where the best horror/thriller of the year comes from a comedic television personality.  I guess we should keep our eyes peeled for that April Ludgate involved remake of Child’s Play that is coming out this year.  Actually, rewind a bit.  We should have seen this coming.  John Krasinski has been doing a lot of directing and producing behind the scenes the past few years now.  A major movie studio was going to give him a chance one of these days.  But good lord, I didn’t expect it to be this great.  So great that Netflix was going to basically remake this at the end of 2018.

A lot of people I’ve talked to about this play it off as a great popcorn horror flick.  And yeah, I can turn my brain off and see it as that too and it will still do the job for me.  But I would like to focus on how it uses silence to world build.  It’s no secret that John Krasinski relied so heavily on this as the gimmick for his horror movie.  For years, I’ve commended him during his time on The Office to even the movies he’s been in for one thing in particular: expressive silence.

I mean take a look at that GIF above.  His facial expressions are telling.  Look at this movie.  The silence speaks volumes literally.  If you speak, you’re dead.  If you make noise, you’re dead.  And how it all ties back to this tale of this family is heartbreaking. Who are we if we can’t protect our children?  What defines a family and what does it take to preserve it?

Just like with what I said with Jordan Peele last year, I eagerly anticipate what John Krasinski does next.  I’m invested.

 

Spoiler

 

Yeah you all saw this coming from a mile away.  I adored the hell out of this movie.

 

3. A Star Is Born (2018)

 

After being in developmental hell for years and being passed down by three other directors, I can’t even begin to imagine any other way this modern update would have been made.  I had my fair amount of skepticism as to how Bradley Cooper would have transitioned into the directorial chair, but yet again for the umpteenth time over the past couple years, an actor turned into a great director.  Jesus how many more times will I have to reuse this compliment?  But I think Bradley Cooper will fall more into the career path of Clint Eastwood with this one movie that is if he wants to continue to direct.  He has that strong of a knack for doing it all.

If you want to look at my best actor and actress frontrunners, look no further.  Both Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga transcend with these performances to the point that I thought these two were actual people and not just characters.  From the moment these two met to their relationship and personal problems to the self-sacrificing ending, it all hit me so hard that I teared up; even though I saw it all coming since this is the fourth adaptation of this movie.  But you know what?  This is hands down my favorite version.  For starters, it’s relatable and doesn’t make either one of these characters out to be unlikeable asshats like the Streisand version for example.

And the music.  Good lord the music.  Outside of the (what I feel is) purposely uninteresting pop music, the country/rock songs on this are fucking great.  I love every single one and based off its staying power, “Shallow” has a great chance at making the 2019 Year End list for Billboard.  Stay tuned there.

Hollywood, please never remake this movie ever again.  It may be a story that is timeless enough to do over and over again, but you have your penultimate version right here.  Don’t ruin a great thing.

 

Spoiler

Nearly a year’s worth of being held in absolute suspense.  Causing me to think about what’s going to happen to my favorite heroes nights upon nights.  Do I have to go on dammit?  Because I will...

 

2. Avengers: Infinity War

 

 

I’m going to keep this one relatively shorter than the rest because I’ve done one too many posts on this site analyzing my thoughts about this movie.  Is it perfect?  Hell no.  It’s got so many problems.  But can I picture this movie being done any other way?  Absolutely not.  Marvel nailed it.

One of my many complaints about this movie is how they handle all the heroes.  But after seeing this movie more than any other this year, it’s easy to see why The Russos did what they did.  We’ve gotten plenty of movies to understand all these Marvel heroes.  We got next to none about Thanos.  He needed to be the focal point of this movie.  Marvel has spent six years building up to his arrival and after being considered practically a snippet for all these years, audiences had to understand why Thanos was such a significant villain in Marvel comic lore.  And they fucking succeeded in that regards.  Thanos is supremely complex as a character.  More so than any other villain before him.  Everything he does, we follow and understand, even if we don’t necessarily agree with him.  That’s why when I saw this movie again, I couldn’t help but feel more of an attachment to him amongst all the others, outside of maybe Thor, who also has his own set of focus in this.  I actually kind of rooted for him to succeed this time around just because we got to understand his character so much to the point that you could actually feel a bit of sadness in watching himself sacrifice the only other thing he had left to love in this world.

And of course, we have to talk about the most iconic movie moment of the year.

If I’ll remember one iconic pop culture moment of this year, it will be those fucking fingers snapping.  And sitting there watching all these heroes I’ve grown to love, vanish right in front of my teary eyes.  Even though I know they are going to be back in a couple months, my mind is still frantically racing through every single theory I can remotely think of on how they will be brought back.  Folks.  That’s what you call the perfect cliffhanger.  Way to fuck with my emotions Marvel.  I love you.  Wait...this isn't my number one?  What say you @Thanos?

 

Spoiler

For most of this year, I thought for sure Infinity War was going to take the top spot on this list.  It’s the penultimate movie from a studio that has taken the industry by storm over the last ten years.  And as a lifelong Marvel comics fan and now a huge Marvel Studios fan, this was my most anticipated movie in quite some time.  It would have been hard pressed for something to take that number one spot from it.  But then, a movie came out towards the end of this year.  And it was honestly one of the last films from 2018 that I caught before I started publishing these lists.  It took my breath away as I sat there for a quite bit in just pure fascination and adoration.  What sort of studio produced such a breath taking masterpiece?

Of course this all comes full circle with all the bashing I did this year.  Thank you Netflix.

 

1. Roma

 

Roma also barely qualifies for this list because it did get a limited theatrical release.  And I’m so glad that it did because it deserves to be in contention for awards season.  After all, it comes from one of my favorite directors working today, Alfonso Cuaron.  And as I’m writing this, he is the favorite to win the best director award for the second time in his career.  And rightfully so because this might just be the best movie he will ever make.

For those who don’t know, this is Alfonso Cuaron’s lifelong passion project.  He’s been trying to get this movie made for many years as this is a personal story about a maid from his childhood growing up in Mexico City in the early 1970s.  And you can just tell how personal this story is to him because every shot, every scene, every performance is just moving.  This is a movie made by a man who has enthralling command over his visual craft.

Honestly, I don’t want to write a long thorough analysis of this movie.  I just want to sit back and watch.  It’s just one of those movies that exist to remind me why film has been such a lifelong passion of mine.  No need to pirate this movie guys.  It’s on Netflix right now.  Do yourselves a favor and stream this.

 

And those are my 2018 year end lists.  I'm still doing that Netflix worst original movies list, so they aren't getting off the hook that easily, but it won't be on this thread.  As always guys, thank you for taking time out of your day to think what this tasteless goof likes.  I always appreciate it.

[Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100]

Wow.  This fell all the way to Page 2.  Sounds like this thread needs a revival.  But what should I do?  Since the main charts are doing basically nothing right now, how about another year end retrospective?  Yeah!  It’s been nearly a year since my last one.  And since I’ve been thinking about this year a lot lately for a project at work, it made me in the mood to talk about the music of this year as well.  So buckle your seatbelts you guys as we go all the way back to the year of...

1992

Will this list be too sexy, it hurts?  Find out in the next month or so after I finish my Best Films of 2018 list.