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The Lion King

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Posts posted by The Lion King

    JCMovies

    in Davy Jones' Locker

    Posted

    JCM Rescues a Cow From the Toilet While the Grim Reaper Loses His Lunch on Mr. T's Head

    (JCM walks into Wumbology's classroom and takes his seat.)

    Wumbology: Hello, class. I'm Mr. Wumbology, and today I'm going to teach you marine biology.

    JCM: Ooh, nice one!

    (Wumbology draws a fish on the chalkboard.)

    Wumbology: Can anybody tell me what this is?

    JCM: (raises hand) I know! It's a cow!

    Wumbology: Yes, JCM. It's a fucking cow. Announcer, tell him what he's won.

    Announcer: (crosses arms) I don't wanna!

    JCM: Hey, how long have you been sitting next to me?

    Announcer: (scoffs) Since, like, forever!

    Wumbology: This is a fish, people!

    JCM: But you said he was the announcer.

    Wumbology: No, the thing on the board!

    JCM: But you said it was a cow.

    Wumbology: You are impossible to reason with!

    JCM: (crying) And you're giving me mixed signals!

    Wumbology: JCM, stop that shit! You are not a fucking baby!

    JCM: (sniffs) Wumbology, I think I just soiled my pants. Can I go to the restroom?

    Wumbology: Goddamn it, JCM!

    JCM: (crying) I'm sorry I can't control my bodily functions!

    Wumbology: Alright, alright! Just go before you flood the fucking place.

    JCM: 'Kay! (skips out of the room)

    Wumbology: (picks up phone) Nurse Jelly, get me my aspirin. All you have is meth? That'll do.

    (JCM skips into the restroom and slides into a stall.)

    JCM: I hope I remember how to do this.

    (JCM takes a diaper out of his backpack and skillfully switches it with his dirty one.)

    JCM: (grows a cleft on his chin) IT TAKES A REAL MAN TO CHANGE HIS OWN DIAPER.

    (JCM notices a fish swimming in the toilet and jumps back in shock.)

    JCM: There's a cow in the toilet! I have to save it before it drowns!

    (JCM grabs the fish from the toilet, and the fish flops around in his hand gasping for water.)

    JCM: It's all right, cow! I know mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!

    Fish: Wait, what?

    (JCM sinks his mouth deep into the fish's and sucks out all the water from its body. Once he pries the fish from his lips, he sees that it's certifiably dead, and he falls to the floor in frustration.)

    JCM: How could this have happened? I did everything right!

    (Mr. T's head pops out of the toilet.)

    Mr. T: I'll tell you how this happened, fool! You tried to save a fish from drowning!

    JCM: I'm pretty sure this is a cow, sir.

    Mr. T: I'm pretty sure you're a fool, fool! That there's the fishiest fish in fishersdale!

    JCM: But this can't be a fish. Fishes live in the ocean.

    Mr. T: That fish happened to live in the toilet, and it was satisfied with its living arrangements before you up and took it from its habitat and right fine killed it! Fool!

    JCM: B-but I'm not a murderer. I-I was trying to save the cow.

    Mr. T: Fish, fool, fish! Do you want me to jump out this toilet and knock the truth into you? Because I will not hesitate to beat up a child!

    JCM: (somber) This cow...this fish...died by my hands.

    Mr. T: Now you're getting it, fool! Now tell this miserable motherfucker's family what you did! (pulls two fish out from under him)

    JCM: Mister and Misses Fish, I killed your son.

    Mrs. Fish: She's our daughter, you asshole!

    Mr. Fish: I WILL SUE YOU FOR ALL YOU GOT I WILL SUE

    Mr. T: (sticks the fish back under him) Do you feel better now that you got that off your chest?

    JCM: Not really.

    Mr. T: Too bad, fool! It's not my fault!

    (JCM sadly walks out of the stall and the Grim Reapers walks in a few seconds later.)

    Grim Reaper: I shouldn't have had all that meth... (throws up in toilet)

    Mr. T: You puked on my perm, fool! You're getting no pity from me! (crawls out of toilet and does many illegal things to the Grim Reaper)

    (The End)

    • Like 1

    JCMovies

    in Davy Jones' Locker

    Posted

    JCM Becomes All That While the Grim Reaper Auditions For American Idol

    (JCM walks into the cafeteria, grabs a tray, and approaches Mr. Piddlin at the food stand.)

    Ms. Piddlin: Hello, sweetie. You excited for lunch today?

    JCM: I sure am!

    Ms. Piddlin: Good! 'Cause we have a special today.

    JCM: Really?

    Ms. Piddlin: Yep. You gettin' a chicken breast, a corn muffin, macaroni and cheese...and some peas.

    JCM: Cool! So what's the special?

    Ms. Piddlin: (smoke starts to billow out from her neck) What's the special? What do you mean "what's the special"?

    JCM: Well, those items you just mentioned are great, but there's nothing really extraordinary about them.

    Ms. Piddlin: None...of...them?

    JCM: (starts to back away) Not...really.

    Ms. Piddlin: IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE PEAS, YOU CAN JUST SAY SO!

    JCM: Wha- (Ms. Piddlin slaps him with the food tray) I'm seeing stars. (passes out)

    Ms. Piddlin: (settles down) Whoo! Ms. Piddlin almost lost her temper there. Heh heh.

    (OMJ walks up to the stand, not noticing the unconscious boy squirming under him.)

    OMJ: Yo, whatcha got today?

    Ms. Piddlin: We got chicken breasts, corn muffins, macaroni and cheese...and peas.

    OMJ: Man, fuck that!

    Ms. Piddlin: (her face explodes in smoke) Fuck that? (pulls out a gun) OH, HELL NO!

    OMJ: (backs away) What the fuck? (Ms. Piddlin shoots him in the face)

    JCM: (waking up) What? Why is there a dead person on top of me?

    Fa: Holy shit! That psychopath killed OMJ!

    JCM: Oh! (chuckles) For a second or two, I thought I became a necrophiliac.

    (Everybody else in the cafeteria panic and run to the corner.)

    Fa: Somebody do something!

    Ms. Piddlin: Nobody ain't doin' nothin' till they finish they peas! (waves gun around) You heard me?

    Fa: You're crazy!

    Ms. Piddlin: Crazy? No, no, no. All children love peas. (looks down) Ain't that right, baby?

    JCM: I'm still indifferent! (pushes OMJ off and stands up) I'm pretty sure weapons aren't allowed on school grounds, Miss Lunch Lady.

    Ms. Piddlin: And I'm pretty sure attitude isn't allowed in my cafeteria! (slaps JCM with the gun)

    JCM: And I'm out again! (faints)

    Fa: Will somebody fix this goddamn mess?

    Voice: I can fix it!

    (Repairman crashes through the ceiling.)

    Fa: Who the fuck are you?

    Repairman: (recovers his composure) I'm repairman man man man man man man!

    Fa: What's with the echo?

    Repairman: (ignores him) So, where's the mess? (sees OMJ) There it is! (runs over to the bloody figure) I can fix this! (takes out sledgehammer)

    OMJ: (wakes up) Hey, I've managed to survive getting shot in the face! I'm going to use this second chance to (Repairman smashes his head in with the sledgehammer)

    Fa: (watches in horror) You killed him for realz this time!

    (Detective Dan walks into the cafeteria with two officers behind him.)

    Detective Dan: My inside sources tell me a murder has been committed in this lunchroom!

    Fa: Detective! Thank God you're here! (points to Repairman and Ms. Piddlin) Those two are responsible for the death of poor Old Man Jenkins!

    Detective Dan: Those two also happen to black! Nice try, kid, but I'm not that kind of cop! I'm gonna need some evidence to back this up!

    Fa: One is holding a smoking gun and the other is holding a bloody sledgehammer! What other evidence do you need?

    Detective Dan: All of that is circumstantial! You seem really defensive, though. Where were you at the time of 5 seconds ago!

    Fa: I was right here! Talking to you!

    Detective Dan: That's all I needed to hear. Book him, boys!

    (The officers beat up Fa with their sticks, handcuff him, and drag him outside.)

    Detective Dan: My work here is done. (the students in the corner stare at him) I'm Detective Dan. (walks out)

    Ms. Piddlin: (to the tune of Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me") All you care about is the corn and beans, stuff your face with all that so why can't you see-ee-ee you belong with pee-ee-eeas? (stops singing and turns to the cowering crowd) Sing with me or I'll blow your fuckin' brains out! (resumes and everyone sings along) Squashes, apples, none of that stuff matters, the green tiny vegetables indubitably-ee-ee (JCM wakes up and sings the last line with her) You belong with pee-ee-eeas...

    (Suddenly, we're on the American Idol Stage)

    Grim Reaper: (singing in extremely deep opera voice) YOU BELONG WITH PEAS.

    Simon Cowell: That was the worst thing I ever heard. Go home and hang yourself. Next!

    (The End)

    • Like 3

    JCMovies

    in Davy Jones' Locker

    Posted

    JCM Draws a Square While the Grim Reaper Gets Mugged by a Little Girl

    (CDCB and Steel Sponge walk into their art room as the bell rings.)

    CDCB: Hello, class. Today is the day you've all been waiting for. You're going to learn how to draw SpongeBob SquarePants!

    JCM: YEAH! WOO-HOO! SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS, MOTHER FLIPPERS! YES! (notices everyone staring at him) What? Did I forget to wear my briefs again?

    Steel Sponge: Alright, then! The first step is to draw a square. CDCB will be reading his Playboy, as usual, and I'll go around and check your progress.

    (Everyone takes out their paper and draws a square. Steel Sponge stops at every desk and nods approvingly. He then gets to JCM's desk and shakes his head.)

    Steel Sponge: No, JCM. That's not a square. It's a circle.

    JCM: What's the difference?

    Steel Sponge: Well, for one, a square has fucking SIDES.

    JCM: How was I supposed to know that?

    Steel Sponge: It's simple geometry, JCM. Just get the square right so I can move on.

    JCM: 'Kay! (erases, then draws again) There! Sides and everything.

    Steel Sponge: That's a fucking TRIANGLE, JCM! Are you seriously this much of a dumbass?

    JCM: (crying) You don't have to yell at me! Fine! You want a square, I'll give you a square.

    Steel Sponge: That's all I'm asking for.

    JCM: (holds up paper) I think I finally have it!

    Steel Sponge: That's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! How can you accurately duplicate a Dürer woodcut and not even get a polygon correct?

    JCM: I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not that artistic.

    Steel Sponge: Listen, JCM. You don't have to be artistic to do this. You just have to not be a fucking idiot. You got that?

    JCM: I think so.

    Steel Sponge: Good. Now, just clear your mind of all your stupid thoughts and think "Four Angles, Four Sides".

    JCM: Four Angles, Four Sides.

    Steel Sponge: That's the spirit. Now, chop chop. I have a class to teach.

    JCM: Is it good now?

    Steel Sponge: (looks down then quickly up again) Oh, wonderful. You finished drawing SpongeBob with an hour and a half to spare.

    JCM: I did?

    Steel Sponge: Yep. Looks like you're free to do whatever you want for the rest of the class.

    JCM: Really? Yay! (picks up what is really a nude portrait of Steel Sponge's stepmother) This didn't look like SpongeBob at all when I finished drawing it!

    Steel Sponge: And whatever you want to do, do it outside. (pushes JCM out of the door) Now, for step two.

    CDCB: (eyes glued to Playboy) Damn, Steel, your mom has some pretty nice tits!

    Steel Sponge: She's my step-mom, CD! Also, shut the fuck up.

    (JCM rides his scooter to the local park, where he sees teenj12 flirting with hot college chicks.)

    JCM: Hey, teenj, what are you doing out of school and with those women who don't know you're under the age of consent?

    teenj12: Hey, JCM, what are you doing out of that mental asylum you've been in for the past five years?

    (The college chicks giggle, and JCM shrugs and continues toward the playground. As he gets on the slide, he sees a fireball in the sky getting larger and larger.)

    JCM: Oh my goodness! It's the...it's the...

    (The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse burst out of the fireball and land in the middle of the park. JCM hides under the slide, and the college chicks sprint into their cars and drive off.)

    Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: We are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and we are here to take what is ours!

    (A little girl walks up to the first horseman, who happens to be the Grim Reaper.)

    Little Girl: Hey, give me yer lunch money, ye skinny bitch!

    Grim Reaper: (jumps off his horse) I'm not giving you my lunch money! I'm going to take your SOOOOUL!

    (The little girl knees the Reaper where the sun don't glow and he falls to the ground in pain.)

    Grim Reaper: Goddamn it! I just got a cactus out of there!

    Little Girl: I ain't gonna repeat mahself!

    Grim Reaper: Fine, fine! (gives the little girl a trillion dollars) That's all I got!

    Little Girl: (counts the money) That's mo like it! (walks off)

    Second Horseman: You let a little girl beat you up and take your lunch money?

    Third Horseman: What a pussy!

    Fourth Horseman: We aren't destroying the world with a punk like him! Let's scoot!

    (The second and third horsemen mumble in agreement and follow the fourth back into the sky.)

    Grim Reaper: Wait! I've been planning this for 2000 years!

    teenj12: (walks up to him) This is for scaring away my chances of a threesome! (kicks him in the groin)

    Grim Reaper: WHYYY

    (The End)

    • Like 1

    JCMovies

    in Davy Jones' Locker

    Posted

    Thanks for the compliments, everyone! The next one's here, and it's a bit of a doozy.

    JCM Writes the Greatest Spin-Off Ever While the Grim Reaper Loses His Virginity To a Cactus

    (The school bell rings as everyone in jjstheenglishprofessor's class scatters into their seats.)

    jjstheenglishprofessor: Hello, class. Before we begin, does anyone have any writing they'd like to share?

    JCM: I do!

    jjstheenglishprofessor: No fucking way!

    JCM: The name of it is "SpongeBob Goes Jellyfishing"!

    jjstheenglishprofessor: Goddamn it, JCM! I will do so many illegal things to you...

    JCM: Once upon a time, SpongeBob went jellyfishing! He got stung! (derp face) The end!

    (The class mumbles amongst themselves about what a piece of shit JCM's writing was.)

    JCM: Stop mumbling amongst yourselves about what a piece of dookey my writing was!

    jjstheenglishprofessor: That was a great story, JCM.

    JCM: You really think so?

    jjstheenglishprofessor: Hell no! Get the fuck out of my room so the memory of your words can no longer torment me!

    (JCM walks out of the room sadly. He sits on a log and reads his paper over and over.)

    JCM: I don't get it. This is a perfectly good piece of writing.

    Voice: More like a fervently steaming piece of shit!

    (JCM turns around and sees Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson in his tooth fairy outfit.)

    JCM: The tooth fairy?

    The Rock: That's just my night job. Right now, I'm acting as your conscience, and as you're conscience, I'm telling you to accept that your writing sucks monkey balls.

    JCM: Why should I?

    The Rock: Why should you? Your english professor is fetal position right now!

    (JCM sees through the window that jjs is indeed in fetal position. He's also sucking his thumb and balancing the day's lesson plans on his head.)

    jjstheenglishprofessor: (stares blankly at the wall) Stung by a jellyfish. Stung by a jellyfish. Stung by a jellyfish.

    JCM: My goodness! I did all that?

    The Rock: Yes. You've made his mental state even more disturbed than it already is. And that's why you need to understand that your writing is terrible and move on to something more rewarding, like stripping.

    JCM: I don't want to become a male stripper!

    The Rock: Oh, I see. You want to skip the formalities and become a male prostitute instead.

    JCM: No! I'm going to keep writing until I better myself. Then, I'm going to write the greatest spin-off ever! I trust myself as much as I don't trust you.

    The Rock: What? Oh, come on! If you can't trust a grown man in a fairy suit, who can you trust?

    (JCM grabs his paper and walks out of the school.)

    The Rock: Fine! Don't say I didn't warn you! Oh shit, wedgie. (tugs at pants)

    (JCM spends the night drinking Red Bull and writing pages and pages and pages and pages and...Good God, this is getting redundant. Let's just get on with it.)

    JCM: (wakes up from the pile of sheets with red eyes and stubble on his chin) Huh? Hey! (reads the sheet at the very top of the pile) I did it! Nothing can compare to this spin-off!

    (JCM skips jollily to the school with the sheet in his hand. Once he gets to jjs' class, he's panting like a dog.)

    jjs: Hello, tardy.

    JCM: Sorry I'm late, but I have something extremely important to read to you guys. Is sharing time still going on?

    jjs: Unfortunately.

    JCM: Great! (holds up paper and clears his throat)

    jjs: JCM, if I have another nervous breakdown here, my ass is on the line.

    JCM: Once upon a time...

    jjs: Aaand he doesn't care.

    JCM: SpongeBob was jellyfishing as usual when he got caught in his own net. Expecting to get stung, he instead was carried off by the jellyfish to a hidden kingdom that they called Jellopolis.

    (Hours and hours go by as he explains the culture, the government, and the surprisingly advanced technology of this unknown civilization.)

    JCM: ...And they mate by sticking their stingers into each other's undersides. Since there are no genders in Jellopolis, this can't be regarded as gay or straight. Therefore, everyone gets to feel the wonderful sensations that come with having several volts of electricity shot into your body at once.

    (The class applauds and JCM bows and walks to his seat.)

    jjs: Well, JCM, I can now honestly say that your spin-off is no longer a giant piece of shit. It's now a moderately-sized piece of dooky.

    JCM: Thank you, sir. All it took was practice.

    (JCM winks at The Rock, who's standing behind him and still tugging at his pants.)

    The Rock: Stupid...panties!

    JCM: Panties?

    The Rock: Man panties! Yeah!

    (The Grim Reaper is sitting next to JCM with a cactus sticking out of his naughty place.)

    Grim Reaper: Um, I can explain.

    (The End)

    JCMovies

    in Davy Jones' Locker

    Posted

    A bunch of short films where random stuff happens.

    That's pretty much it.

    JCM Undergoes Shock Therapy While the Grim Reaper Plays Unfitting Music

    (We open with a shot of the SpongeBob Community School. A short, puffy-faced kid rides his scooter into a nearby tree. He jumps off right before the scooter explodes.)

    JCM: (annoyingly high-pitched voice) Well, here I am! I better catch up with my friends before school starts!

    (JCM runs into the school and sees Elastic Dog talking with Dragiiin123 and Metal Snake.)

    JCM: Hello, my hippity homeboys! How it be?

    Elastic Dog: (rolls eyes) Hi, JCM. I was just talking about this movie I just saw. You've probably heard of it.

    JCM: What's its name?

    Elastic Dog: Sex Zombies From the Devil's Womb

    (There is a long, extremely awkward silence.)

    JCM: No, I can't say I have heard of it. What is it about?

    Elastic Dog: Basically, Satan fucks this chick in Hell, and the sex is so wild that both of them get pregnant immediately.

    Dragiiin123: Yeah, so he and the bitch get an abortion, but the red guy's aborted babies rip themselves out of his stomach and rape and kill both of them.

    Metal Snake: Then the babies crawl out of Hell and start brutally raping every single person they encounter. It's fucking awesome. You should see it.

    JCM: (twitches) I'll...put it on my list.

    (JCM stumbles down the hall before finally passing out. He wakes up in the nurse's office.)

    Jelly: (reading a thermometer) Are you alright, JCM?

    JCM: Yeah, I'm just recovering from another traumatizing experience.

    Jelly: Do you want to talk to the guidance counselor about it?

    JCM: We have a guidance counselor?

    (JCM walks into the office of an old man with a long beard and shiny head. SpongeSebastian looks up and stares at JCM with deep interest.)

    SpongeSebastian: (slowly and quietly) hello there, jcm. do you want to talk about your feelings today?

    JCM: No offense, but you really seem like a pedophile right now.

    SpongeSebastian: (smiles) none taken. you'll find that I really encourage my visitors to just let it all out.

    JCM: Um, OK. I'm not completely comfortable with the atmosphere at this school.

    SpongeSebastian: what ever do you mean?

    JCM: Well, the other kids are saying inappropriate things without the intervention of the staff.

    SpongeSebastian: but don't you like the idea of an unrestricted environment?

    JCM: Not really. I was raised with values.

    SpongeSebastian: isn't the value of freedom the most important value of all?

    JCM: No.

    SpongeSebastian: one of the most important?

    JCM: No.

    SpongeSebastian: is it important at all? even a little bit?

    JCM: This is a school, sir.

    SpongeSebastian: don't get rash with me, or i'll beat your little butt.

    JCM: (crying) I just wanted someone to talk to!

    SpongeSebastian: no you didn't, you whiny bitch. you wanted someone to agree with you.

    JCM: But isn't that your job?

    SpongeSebastian: my job is to knock sense into dumbshits like you, because you're too fucking stupid to get a goddamn clue

    JCM: I don't like you!

    SpongeSebastian: get in line, motherfucker

    (JCM runs out of the office with tears pouring from his eyes. He trips on a "Wet Floor" sign and sees tvguy347 mopping right next to him.)

    JCM: Hey, you're the cool janitor!

    tvguy347: (Bill Cosby accent) That is me! Say, class is about to start. Why are you flip flopping around in the hallways with the puddin' pops and the sweaters and what not?

    JCM: I've been having a really bad day!

    tvguy347: (puts "Wet Floor" sign back into place) That is really sad, Theo, but if you knock that thingamajig over again, I will shove this here sploshin' device right up your anal area, what with the buttocks and the brown stuff and the whobob whatpants.

    JCM: I'm not really sure what you just said, and I'm not really sure if I want to be. (walks off)

    tvguy347: Salutations! I mean buh-bye! (coughs, then changes voice) Damn, that shit's rough.

    (The Grim Reaper appears and starts doing the Michigan J. Frog dance!)

    Grim Reaper: Hello, mah baby! Hello, mah honey! Hello, mah ragtime gal!

    (The End)

    • Like 4

    103a. Spongicus

    in Season 6

    Posted

    whenever he steals the krabby patty secret formula, he is doing it because he wants to sell krabby patties and make money.

    I don't remember him saying anything of the sort.

    But yeah, the episode was decent.

    You know you're a Spongebob fan when...

    in Eels and Escalators

    Posted

    you have seen every episode

    you blow off your homework to watch the show

    you repeatedly say im ready when walking to school or to the bus

    you become a fry cook

    you wish you could go jellyfishing

    you take karate after watching the show

    you imagine a sponge talking when you see or use one

    you hallucinate images of spongebob characters

    your drawing of a spongebob character comes to life in your head

    you go to an amusement park and hallucinate it as being glove world

    you obsess over money like mr krabs

    you try to steal a secret recipe from a restaurant

    (none of these describe me, i just made them up)

    You've really must have spent a while putting that list together.

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