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The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star

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A series of vignettes starring your favorite pink starfish. Updated weekdays.

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Patrick Comes Out Of His Rock

(Patrick's rock opens and Patrick walks out.)

Patrick: (yawns) What a wonderful day! Don't you think so, rock?

SpongeBob: Patrick?

Patrick: Rock! You're finally talking back! And you sound just like my friend, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob: That's because it is me, Patrick!

Patrick: SpongeBob! You've turned into a rock?

SpongeBob: No, Patrick! I'm right behind you.

(Patrick turns around and sees SpongeBob.)

Patrick: SpongeBob!

(What a twist!)

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Patrick Meets the President

(Patrick and SpongeBob walk into the Krusty Krab and see President Obama eating there.)

Patrick: Who's the guy with the big ears?

SpongeBob: That's the president of the United States, Patrick!

Patrick: What's the United States?

SpongeBob: What's the United States? It's the home of the brave, land of the free!

Patrick: What does that mean?

SpongeBob: I don't know. It's some landmass. Hey, Mr. President! It's me, the fry cook!

Obama: President? I'm not the president! I'm Dave Chappelle.

(What a twist!)

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Patrick Runs Over a Seahorse

(Patrick is driving his boatmobile down the street, and he hits something that pops up in front of him.)

Patrick: Oh, no! If the title of this episode is correct, I just ran over a seahorse!

(Patrick gets out of his boatmobile and takes a look at the damage.)

Patrick: This seahorse is hurt bad.

Seahorse: Mama, is that you?

Patrick: I'm not Mama, I'm Patrick.

Seahorse: Mama, tell my brother...I hate him...

Patrick: I'm not Mama. I'm Patrick.

Seahorse: You got that, Mama? You got it?

Patrick: I'm not Mama! I'm Patrick!

Seahorse: And I'm not a seahorse. I'm...Charlie the Unicorn.

(What a twist!)

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Patrick Has 24 Hours To Live

(A doctor walks into Patrick's hospital room.)

Doctor: Patrick, I have bad news for you.

Patrick: Really?

Doctor: Yes. You've officially become too stupid to live.

Patrick: Really?

Doctor: You have 24 hours left before your brain tells your body to just give up.

Patrick: Really?

Doctor: Yep. If you have anything you want to do, you should probably go ahead and get it done now.

Patrick: I'll take your advice, doc.

(Patrick goes home and thinks about the stuff he wants to do.)

Patrick: Oh no! There's nothing I want to do!

(What a twist!)

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Patrick Has One Hour To Live

(Patrick is writing his will.)

Patrick: I'll give my jellyfishing net to SpongeBob and my shorts to Gary. Um...what else?

(An angel flies through Patrick's rock and sets his will on fire.)

Patrick: Hey, what was that for?

Angel: I'm afraid there's been a misunderstanding. You're not going to die in an hour.

Patrick: I'm not?

Angel: No. The man upstairs made budget cuts, so we can't afford to take up any more too-stupid-to-live types.

Patrick: Was burning the will really necessary, though.

Angel: It's dramatic. Who doesn't like dramatics?

(The fire spreads and burns Bikini Bottom to the ground.)

Angel: Well, bye!

(What a twist!)

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Patrick Steals a Shoe

(Patrick is looking through shoes at a marketplace.)

Patrick: This one looks nice.

(Patrick picks up a pair of shoes and goes to the register. Another shoe falls into his back pocket on the way there.)

Patrick: I'd like to buy this pair of shoes.

Cashier: That'll be ten dollars.

(Patrick gives him the money, but as he leaves, the marketplace's alarm goes off.)

Cashier: Shoplifter!

(The cashier runs after Patrick, but the shoe falls out of Patrick's back pocket and trips up the cashier.)

Cashier: You win this round, criminal!

(The marketplace owner walks up to the cashier.)

Owner: What are you doing with that stolen shoe?

Cashier: Umm...acrobatics?

(What a twist!)

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Patrick Outsmarts A Sea Monster

(SpongeBob and Patrick walk into a cave.)

SpongeBob: Why are we walking into this cave again?

Patrick: I dunno.

(Suddenly, a sea monster sprouts up from the ground and holds up a straw.)

Sea Monster: I'm here to suck your brains out!

(SpongeBob screams and Patrick scratches his chin.)

Patrick: Was that straw used to suck anyone else's brains out?

Sea Monster: Yeah, why?

Patrick: That's an infection risk!

Sea Monster: Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

Patrick: Get out of here, you monster!

(The sea monster cries and sinks back underground. What a twist.)

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Patrick Forgets To Take A Shower

(Patrick walks into the Krusty Krab.)

Patrick: Good morning, Krusty Krew!

(Everybody runs out with green faces.)

Mr. Krabs: Me customers! Where'd they...ugh! What's that rancid smell?

Patrick: I don't know. Have you guys been maintaining your establishment?

Mr. Krabs: It's you, Patrick! Did you take a shower this morning?

Patrick: Oh. I thought I forgot to do something.

Mr. Krabs: Get out of here, you stinky pile of smell!

Patrick: But I'm hungry.

Mr. Krabs: Not my problem!

Patrick: I could eat anything right now, even... (licks his lips) crab.

Mr. Krabs: Get this boy a Krabby Patty on the double! (shudders) And make it quick!

(What a twist!)

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Patrick Marries a Lamp

(SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting on a bench.)

Patrick: SpongeBob, have you ever considered finding a soul mate?

SpongeBob: I already have. Grilling is my passion.

Patrick: I'm talking about something tangible, like...like...

(A lamp falls out of a passing garbage truck.)

Patrick: Like that!

(Patrick picks up the lamp and rubs it affectionately.)

Patrick: Lamp, will you marry me? Yes? SpongeBob! I'm a husband!

SpongeBob: I'm not sure what just happened.

Lamp: Yeah, me neither.

(What a twist!)

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Patrick Divorces A Lamp

(Patrick takes the lamp home.)

Patrick: Oh, this is going to be a great honeymoon!

(Patrick turns on the light and realizes that he just pulled the cord of another lamp.)

Patrick: It's just a friend, I swear!

(Patrick's wife says nothing.)

Patrick: Don't give me that look! I can't help who I hang around with!

(Patrick's wife says nothing.)

Patrick: Oh, so you're going to give me the silent treatment now? I've had this night lamp since I was a child, and I respect it a lot more than I'm respecting you right now!

(Patrick throws his wife into the street.)

Patrick: This marriage is over! Don't bother asking for your things, because you don't have any.

Lamp: Harsh, dawg.

(What a twist!)

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Patrick Finds A Piece of Gum

(Patrick is walking down the street when a surprise gets caught on his foot.)

Patrick: Oh my goodness! Someone abandoned this poor little speck of chewing gum.

(Patrick takes the gum home and sticks it to the dining room table.)

Patrick: So what would you like? Ham or sausage?

(Patrick pokes the piece of gum.)

Patrick: Just some water? OK.

(Patrick leaves then comes back with a glass of water. He pours the water onto the piece of gum, moistening it and causing it to roll off the table.)

Patrick: Oh no! You're injured! Don't worry! I'll call 911!

(An ambulance comes, and when the doctors see what they're dealing with, they slap Patrick and drive away.)

Patrick: Wait! You forgot my friend! I'll sue you! I'll sue you all!

Gum: Put a sock in it, tubby.

Patrick: Tubby? (sheds a single tear) Nobody calls me tubby!

(Patrick punches the piece of gum and injures his hand in the process.)

Patrick: Ouch. (eats the chewing gum and walks away)

(What a twist!)

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