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Bran Flakes

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Cards Against Humanity dictated that Bran Flakes would be the next big thing. Well, it probably won't be. This isn't very good.




[Year: 2002. Bikini Bottom, sometime in the evening. An elderly fish is watching an advertisement on his TV.]

TV: "New Bran Flakes, bold new taste! Bran Flakes."



We all remember it like it was yesterday. We sat back, comfortably watching our televisions, and our eyes were graced with the sight of what might be god's most perfect creation: the Bran Flakes commercial. You've seen multitudes of cereal commercials before, but in your mind you immediately knew no ad in the past or the future would ever compare to the majesty that was just displayed on your TV screen. You say in the back of your head, "I can't wait to see this one again!". And yet, just like that, it disappeared from the plane of existence forever. Not long after that great day in March 2002, Bran Flakes vanished from our planet entirely. Maybe it was too good for us earthly folk. Maybe we were never meant to taste such joy this early on in the evolutionary line. I'm here today to tell you neither of those theories are true. Because, in fact, the reality of what pulled "Bran Flakes" off the air for good is much more sinister, more dark, and more tragic than you could have ever thought.


[The next morning, 5:45am. Bran Flakes wakes up, ready to begin another day.]

Bran Flakes: Ah, the smell of Bran Flakes. What a nice way to start the day, isn't it Mr. Kelpy?


Mr. Kelpy: *makes a giraffe noise*

Bran Flakes: You're right, I didn't have to wake up early. They don't begin shooting the next commercial until 7.

Mr. Kelpy: *audibly different giraffe noise*

Bran Flakes: Because, I love the view of the sunrise! And although my beauty comes naturally, I've still got to look the best I can for today! Let's go!

[Bran Flakes begins his day by straightening out his edges, painting over his scratches, and spraying himself with the best "new cereal smell" formula on the market. Bran Flakes then fills himself with two heapings of stock Bran Flakes, one for consumption, and one for the advertisement filming later.]

Bran Flakes: Hmm, I wonder what I'll find in me today!

[BF searches through its own insides and retrieves a newspaper. There also happens to be a bag of an unknown substance and a piece of coral with a smiley face on it, but most of the contents is just bran of the flakes variety.]

Bran Flakes: Ah, the wonders of endless cereal box prizes! The mind boggles. Time to sit back and relax.

[Bran Flakes reads until 6:50. One article is titled "Bran Flakes Sales Skyrocket" He doesn't notice.]

Bran Flakes: Not much different in the news today. OK, I'm heading out! See you soon, Kelpy!

Mr. Kelpy: *giraffe noise*

[The door closes. Mr. Kelpy proceeds to turn on the television. An insurance commercial is playing.


Mr. Kelpy: *giraffe noise of approval at the fact he's inexplicably seeing an ad from nine years the future*



[Bran Flakes begins his way to work.]

Bran Flakes: I can almost see the filming studio now... I wonder if the clown will have to calm down anyone's nerves today? Oh well, all that matters is I shouldn't have to worry! Nothing can get me down on a day like this, that's for su--

[Attention is immediately taken by a conversation off in the distance.]

OMJ: Yeah, you were on a commercial.

SpongeBob: You're right! Wow... he recognized me!

Bran Flakes (thinking): Whattya know, a fellow commercial actor like myself!...

OMJ: See ya later, Bran Flakes. What a nice cereal box...


Bran Flakes: That dick stole my schtick! It's not the fact that I'm an inanimate object that no one's been adressing my newfound fame, it's because of that spongebastard! I don't even care if I'm going through a drastic character change, that asswipe is going to pay for hogging my spotlight! FUCK! SHIT! GRATUITOUS SWEARING!

[BF pulls out another prize from his box flaps.]


Bran Flakes: Mofo won't even know what hit him...



[A few minutes later. SpongeBob is singing the famed "Striped Sweater" song. Bran Flakes is listening from the roof, fibers raging with fury.]

Bran Flakes (whisper): So... he thinks he can steal my planned musical career too, huh? What a jackass. I'll make sure he never sees the light of this realm ever again...

[SpongeBob begins to tell jokes while juggling.]


[Even with BF's indescribable amounts of pure anger steaming through its body, it still takes a moment to reach the Krusty Krab's entrance (I mean, come on. It's a frickin' box). He bashes open the door and aims the gun at SpongeBob.]


[Before BF can finish this sentence, a stray burger traveling at the speed of Mach 2 plows straight into the front of his box cover. None of the Bikini Bottom residents notice his presence before he disappears.]



Bran Flakes was never seen again after the incident. The only evidence found was at the Krusty Krab's entrance, including scattered cereal flakes, hastily cut nail clippings, two wall magnets (one being of a jug of almond milk and the other being of an 'H'), and a pair of mangled scissors. Some say Bran Flakes died and went to the underworld, some say he still survives by living an average life in an unimportant U.S. state, and some say the ducks went to Canada. In the end, no one knows for sure. All we know is he was never seen again.

SpongeBob eventually regained the respect of the customers after he transitioned from the entertainment industry to a full-time fry cook. He is still unknowingly in the entertainment department however, as he has been the main character of a popular land TV show for 20 years now, even if it never was the same after the first three seasons.

Old Man Jenkins went on to live a sexdecuple life as 16 different OMJs. Most of them live relatively bland lives and only have consistency in 2 or 3 episodes. Recently, OMJs #6, #10, and #13 passed away at the ages of 77, 92, and 84 respectively. Please give them a moment of silence.

Mr. Kelpy stayed at Bran Flakes' home for weeks never realizing his absence. Many years later, Mr. Kelpy was found deceased due to starvation in his home devoid of food, the television still running and showing a commercial for some board game about dog feces. Many speculate that the scene wasn't discovered for at least 10 years after Kelpy's passing due to no one even knowing of Kelpy's existence in the first place. Another moment of silence, please.

The camera crew was never able to film another Bran Flakes commercial again, and after the scene at the KK was discovered, the original Bran Flakes ad was pulled just one day after its first airing. The crew still managed to gain notoriety by doing work on endless ZooPals™ advertisements in the early to mid-2000's.

Sonic is no longer a successful video game character. I don't even know why I'm mentioning him here. Let's move on.

The SpongeBob Community would probably be better off without this Spin-Off's existence. Living under a mentality of "it had to happen at some point" was better in theory than it was in actual practice. I don't even know why I spent 4 hours writing this thing. I've wasted all this time just to put no charm, appeal, soul, or even blood/sweat/tears into this thing. I just want to sleep.



And that's the story of Bran Flakes. Though he is fondly remembered for his one-time TV appearance, there's practically a 100% chance that you will never see him or his ad again. I wish I could say "poor guy", but... nah, he really wasn't. He seemed like a jerk in the second half. Also, I can't say that if I only got to know him for such a short span of time. Though he may be gone for good, Bran Flakes will live on in our hearts and in our minds.


Now get lost.




Edited by Jon Snow
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