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Jack Sparrow

Battle for Bikini Bottom - A Nonsensical Parody

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Presenting a very crude take on what is perhaps the most popular game in the SpongeBob SquarePants library! A teacher with murder in her eyes, socks in questionable condition, oblitherating the fourth wall like there's no tomorrow and lots and lots of screaming! What more could you ask for?

Are ya ready kids? Probably not, but let's go anyway!

Literally just a random idea for a spin-off/lit (it's based on SB but on a game, so...does that still qualify for Spin-Off status? I am confused. ^_^) that hit me the other day when I woke up and I was like, "Damn, let's do it and see what happens." Basically, it's gonna be a lot of stupid fun. Like...really stupid, goofy fun. I am calling it "Nonsensical" for a reason. Unlike a lot of what I usually write, this is way more laid back and goofy in nature and just provides me an opportunity to be free as I virtually take the mickey out of a beloved video game.

Rated PG-13 because it turns out I am a sailor mouth when it comes to stupid fun and I don't want to take any chances with a lower rating. In terms of the actual content, it's not really gonna delve into anything explicitly violent/sexual, hence why I've opted for PG-13 as opposed to Mature.

Will upload the first chapter - the opening - soon enough.

Again, this will be weird...this will be stupid...but that is the point...because...why not? :p

No sponges, sea stars or squirrels were harmed during the conceptualization of this written work.
Unfortunately said sponge, sea star and squirrel did cause emotional harm to an octopus on set.

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Chapter I – Opening

French Narrator: Welcome to Bikini Bottom, a place with a name that was totally not thought through at all, especially when there are bloody crabs living here. But I digress. This cutscene may give you the impression that this place is an awesome safe place to be but nope, apparently I can see into the future or some wild crap like that and just know that there’s about to be something that’ll make it bad. Although this is a video game so you probably seen it coming so I don’t have to tell you as if you’re an idiot. But yadda yadda yadda, SpongeBob’s gonna save the day. Let’s just get into this already.

Cutscene: *cuts from SpongeBob’s house to the Chum Bucket* Bruh you thought we were gonna let you lead us to him!

French Narrator: Screw you! *fucks off*

Ominous Music: You can hear us because we need to remind you he’s evil!

Plankton: Yeah, that’s great. Now, time to set the plot in motion! Today’s the day where I have gifted myself with a marvellous machine that’s definitely not likely to backfire on me because I am so smart that I couldn’t have possibly have been stupid enough to create a way for my plan to turn against me in any way! *does evil laugh because of course he has to do an evil laugh*

Karen: Keep telling yourself that.

Plankton: Shut up, you shouldn’t even be talking in this game. Back to my evil monologuing, I will finally get my hands on the Krabby Patty formula and if the whole damn town gets destroyed in the process then… *does the evil laugh thing again*

Karen: But don’t you need customers? Stealing the formula is one thing but totally ineffective if you don’t have anyone around to give you profit from it. Of course, I doubt you considered this, like with all your other plans.


Plankton: (after being speechless for a solid twenty minutes) …shut up, stupid object. With my Duplicatotron 3000 I’ll bring life to countless clones of robots that vary in appearance although it’s never made clear as to how they do! But who cares about the details cuz they’ll all break shit up to pave the way to my success! And all because I’ll tell them to!

Karen: Robots?

Plankton: Problem?

Karen: Didn’t your dumb ass try this before? That time you pretended to be Krabs and look what happened there.

Plankton: This ain’t like that plan, confound it, woman!

Karen: And 3000? You really expect this contraption to work after the 2999 failures you made in succession? Bitch please, get real.


Karen: *shuts the hell up*

Plankton: Wonderful, now that I’m magically on top of the lever that turns it on – because videogame logic’s gotta videogame logic - time to do a final checklist that ensures my plan is perfect! Only one item on the agenda, and yes, I AM A GENIUS! HELLZ YEAH! I totally didn’t leave out anything that might be the downfall to my plan and I am 100% confident that I didn’t have to check the other lever behind me to make sure that it’s set to Obey even though it’d be kinda pointless to have a Don’t Obey option. Anyway, IT'S TIME TO GET A CRITICALLY SUCCESSFUL VIDEO GAME STARTED, BEE-YATCH! *jumps on the lever*

Duplicatiotron 3000: *starts farting out tons of those easy AF Fodder bots*

Plankton: *is magically on the floor because videogame* Hello, my wonderful minions! Before you go and inevitably get destroyed by some nincompoops, lemme take a sel…

Fodder Army: *crowd around Plankton*

Plankton: …fie? What the? What’re you all doing? CAN YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M TELLING YOU TO DO?

“Don’t Obey” option on the lever Plankton didn’t check: Surprise, bitch!

Plankton: Welp…

Karen: *is giving Plankton the most intense stare*

Plankton: …mistakes were made! Don’t judge me!

Fodder: Time for you to leave, small fry! *picks Plankton up and puts him on his stick*

Karen: Umm…phrasing.

Aquatic Konquest: Shush you, you can’t read those.

Plankton: Nonononono you can’t do this! I made you all, you ungrateful idiots! I created life, so you know what that makes me? A GOD. YOUR GOD!

Fodder: Some god you are, when we tower over you easy.


Plankton: Karen, help me!


Plankton: I HATE YOU, WOMAN! I MADE YOU TO LOVE ME DAMMIT! *is thrown out of the Chum Bucket*

Fodders: *get ready to tear shit up*

Plankton: *screams for hours outside* WHY DOES EVERYTHING I MAKE TURN AGAINST MEEEEEEEEEEEEE??????


SpongeBob’s House: *exists*

SpongeBob: Do you wonder why the hell we’re playing with a toy of a horse from the surface instead of like…a seahorse?

Patrick: Uh, maybe the devs were too lazy to make one?

SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick, I have a question.


SpongeBob: Say what?

Patrick: What now?



SpongeBob: Uh…as I was saying, why play with some fake knock-offs when we could play with real robots?

Patrick: Obvious foreshadowing is obvious.

SpongeBob: Shut up, you’re meant to be stupid.

Patrick: *yawns and picks out lint from his belly button* Yup, I’m hella bored. *magically makes a purple shell appear in his hand* HEY I KNOW! LETZ MAKE SUM ROBOTZZZZ! *smashes robot into shell*

SpongeBob: What the fuck are you doing?

Patrick: Putting the thing in the thing. Duh.

SpongeBob: Well how shellfish of you! Ha ha!



Patrick: …………

SpongeBob: ………….

Cricket: *exists cuz that joke sucked*

SpongeBob: *kicks himself*

Patrick: This is my Magic Wishing Shell (trademark pending) that is totally original and not just some upcycled magic conch shell or anything like that. It totally can do shit that I want.

SpongeBob: Can it do your laundry?

Patrick: Why would I need to do my laundry?

SpongeBob: *takes three steps back*

Patrick: Now that it’s in the shell, it’s time to shake it. *throttles the shell up and down mercilessly* SHAKE IT! SH-SH-SH-SHAKE IT! SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE!

SpongeBob: Coolbeans. Now what do we do?

Patrick: Dunno about you but I’m gonna go get stoned out my mind then fuck off to sleep. Then we’ll have our robots.

SpongeBob: Sounds like part of an acid trip. Is that a bong?

Patrick: You’re not the expert. Shut up.

SpongeBob: *sighs* Fiiiiiiiiiiine. Are you forgetting anything though?

Patrick: Oh crap, I forgot the magic words!

SpongeBob: Of course you did.

Patrick: …wait you said “coolbeans”, right?

SpongeBob: Uh…yeah?

Patrick: Nevermind, we good.

SpongeBob: “Coolbeans” is the magic word? That’s so weak, bruh.

Patrick: (actual dialogue) Well, it used to be *actual gibberish bullshit I can’t be asked to write upon listening to it* but I kept forgetting it.

SpongeBob: …you are such a dumbass.

Patrick: A dumbass doing all the work to make our dreams come true, BITCH!

SpongeBob: Actually, that’s Plankton’s job but we don’t know that yet because of course we can’t.

Patrick: Fuck you, my plan’s better.

SpongeBob: Are you even being, like, legit right now?

Patrick: Hey, it works! Last week I had some pretzels and I wanted more so when I put them inside and woke up the next morning there were a shitton of pretzels inside!

SpongeBob: …mate, we were stoned out our minds last week and we had the munchies. I just opened another bag of pretzels and put them inside cuz your dumb ass passed out after an hour and I still had the munchies.


SpongeBob: Coolio. You’re not needed in the intro anymore so please find a way to bugger off.

Patrick: *buggers off*

SpongeBob: Whew, I’m beat, time to sleep and totally be optimistic about the robots being real even though the cutscene was clearly showing that it was daytime! Never question video game logic!


French Narrator: The next day…or like, maybe even a hour later. You don’t know unless I tell you what.

Fodder: What a nice street. Too bad none of us bots will be out and about in this part of the game so that there can be a hub world! Even though we’re coming from a building that’s part of mentioned hub level!

SpongeBob: Shut up, and now back to me, waking up on top of my sheets and in my clothes because I wasn’t modelled in PJs or whatever but who cares LOL time to play with robots! *sings the line again and again for no reason*

SpongeBob’s Living Room: *looks like the aftermath of a college party*

SpongeBob: Whoa! You’d think this would teach me to lock my door but screw common sense amirite?

Gary: *sipping a cup of tea* Meow. (“Ah…what a wonderful morning or wheneverthehellthisis.”)

SpongeBob: Gary…did you do that? *points to very ominous writing on the wall that’s telling him to die*

Gary: Meow. (“It ain’t in your blood unfortunately, so nah.”)


Aaaand, that's the first chapter! In the next installment our hero will have to face the wonders of a tutorial and the limitations of the hub world!

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Chapter II – Bikini Bottom (1)

SpongeBob: Seriously though, this place looks like someone blew up some crazy shit in here. How in the hell does it look this bad?

Gary: Meow. (“Beats me, but you’ve got shit to learn, so please go so do and get out of here. Please.”)

SpongeBob: Wait is this some stupid tutorial?

Gary: Meow. (“Yes.”)

SpongeBob: Oh helllll no I don’t wanna do that.

Gary: Meow. (“Trust me, this is as painful for me as it is for you.”)

SpongeBob: And where did all these signs come from? And why are they telling me stuff that literally anyone who’s played a videogame before should know are basic controls? These things come with manuals, right, so I don’t see why-

Gary: Meow. (Oh my god, shut up and do shit already, jesus.”)

SpongeBob: Fiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnne.

Asshole Tip on screen: In case it wasn’t obvious enough, explore this sucker’s house! This is what the rooms look like.

SpongeBob: OKAY OKAY I GET IT I GET IT, I’M MOVIN’! Also, what the hell? Why can’t I enter the closet.

Closet Door: Pay up if you wanna come inside.

SpongeBob: I’ve got to pay to access another room in my own house? God, it’s been one room and I already hate this game. Screw you, I’m going in the kitchen.


SpongeBob: Who even uses these anymore? And It looks like a note from Mr. Krabs, covered in…I swear to god that better be sweat…

Typewriter: Prepare to be disappointed.


Crusty-ass Note: Hiya, I’m here to provide exposition based on the game’s currency! Aren’t I helpful?

SpongeBob: No. Not particularly.

Note: But…I’m telling you to do a fucking job. LISTEN TO ME, DAMMIT!

SpongeBob: Look, I see a ton of shiny crap in my kitchen for some reason and my instinctive response is to collect it. I don’t need some note to tell me what to do, kthx.

Note: *shuts up because it realizes how useless it is*

SpongeBob: Time to get all the shiny shit! *gets all the shiny shit* What the hell? How could it get to the bathroom ceiling? Surely that’s not possible. But anyway, I got 60 of these things apparently, so GETTING IN THE CLOSET HERE I COME!

Gary: Meow. (“Virtually impossible for you to be in the closet but I digress.”)

Closet Door: Hey, I’ll take 50 off your hands, and it looks like you have 10 remaining.

SpongeBob: Yes, I know how to do basic math, fuck you very much. Why do you care so much anyway?

Closet Door: Just saying, maybe you should go explore the rest of your house like the tip told you to.

SpongeBob: Or I could just grab that spatula and get the fuck out of here because I clearly need it do leave given the hovering number on my front door.

Closet Door: Yeah…but no. Do the other thing instead.

SpongeBob: Oh, whatever. *goes to the bedroom anyway* Yay, I’m broke now! Oh, there’s more of these. Guess it’s for the door to the library I guess.

Shiny Objects: Bingo!

SpongeBob: Guess I should change my underwear while I’m here. Wait, what, I can’t take it.

Sign with underwear tip: *is automatic* SURPRISE, BITCH! *drops a safe on SpongeBob*


Sign: Uh, you’re welcome? Now you can get the underwear.

SpongeBob: I hate you.

Library Door: Congratulations! You have enough Shiny Objects for this door!

SpongeBob: This is stupid.

Library Door: You’re stupid. Just shut up and go in to learn your powers already.

SpongeBob: Well, I’m in, but I don’t get the point. Actually, you know what? I’ve played this shit a gazillion times already and know the powers by heart at this point. I got the Viking hat thing, the feet slam thing, the wand bitch slap thing and a gay-ass jumping move. Screw this room I’m gonna-

Sock: YOO-HOO!

SpongeBob: OOH, SHIT I WANT TO COLLECT NOW! *does the whole room to get the sock and smacks every sign that automatically triggers in the process* Wait, you’re not one of mine.

Sock: Nope! Smiley-face!

SpongeBob: You’re the fetch-quest item in the HUD, aren’t you?

Sock: Yep!

SpongeBob: I’m going to hate you from the get-go. But anyway, now I can finally get out of here with no objections. *gets the Golden Spatula*

Spatula Obtained – Right In Front Of You The Whole Fucking Time

SpongeBob: Yup, still stupid, but win-win for me. *leaves the house*

Gary: Meow. (“Thank god, I thought he’d never leave.”)


French Narrator: Ah, the neighbourhood, because it’s not like we already showed you in the opening of the game or anything.

Plankton: Hey hey, I’m brooding over here! Go find your own spot!

SpongeBob: Sorry! I’m literally required to stand here by the plot!

Plankton: Well, that’s just great.

SpongeBob: And hey, you’re just trying to trick me into giving you the formula, aren’t you? Piss off, already, I’ve got bigger fish to fry here.

Plankton: That’s my line! And also welcome to my world, cuz I can’t even enter my own goddamn restaurant without being kicked up the ass by a Fodder.

SpongeBob: Well, those guys are weak as hell so haha to that. I wonder who even made them that stupid in the first place since it doesn’t seem like a very efficient plot for anything convoluted. I mean, I could literally hit them once without any kind of strategy and that would be all it took to defeat them.

Plankton: Well…umm…I don’t know where they came from, that’s for sure! They probably came from…like…very far away or some crazy bullshit like that! Whatever convinces you it wasn’t me.

SpongeBob: That’s okay, I’m going to believe you anyway!

Plankton: Yeah, that’s great.

SpongeBob: But coolio, I’ll help you out, man. Maybe I can get more of these shiny spatulas along the way. Who knows why the hell there are spatulas all over the place but damn, they’re fucking gorgeous and I’ve gotta collect them all!

Plankton: Ooh, they are pretty nice. Y’know I’ll give ya a truckload if you help me out…*quietly*…in your dreams…

SpongeBob: Ohhhh, I see what you did there.

Plankton: …oh. Now that’s just grasping at strings.

SpongeBob: Oh whatever, it’s true either way though and you know it. *fucks off*

Mr. Krabs:  *with an obviously different voice* COME TALK TO ME BOYO!

SpongeBob: Ewww who the fuck are you I’m not talking to youuuuu…


SpongeBob: *blanks him*

Mr. Krabs: UP YOURS!

Patrick: Hey SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Oh thank god, someone normal I can-why the hell is there a sock by your foot.

Patrick: Uh, it’s lost, obviously.

SpongeBob: *resting bitch face activated* Honestly though…sometimes I just don’t know what to think about you…

Patrick: I try to impress.

SpongeBob: Well try harder for everyone’s sake, good Christ. Wait…hold on a minute…I found one just like it in my library…

Patrick: Yeah, I lost like a shitton.

SpongeBob: Also, can I ask why this sock is like, rock-solid?

Patrick: No, you may not.


Patrick: Sorry, but the rules of the game say you can only hand them to me once you have 10 to trade in for some golden dildos I have lying around.

SpongeBob: Please tell me you mean golden spatulas.

Patrick: Same thing, right?

SpongeBob: …I refuse to comment on the matter.

Patrick: That’s the spirit! Now go collect ‘em all. Toodles!

SpongeBob: *is pissed off and destroys everything in Patrick’s house as payback and gets one of his socks out of it* WHY. WHY THE HELL DO I HAVE TO HOLD ON TO A SOCK I GOT FROM HIS OWN HOME? WHERE IS THE LOGIC IN ALL OF THIS.

Patrick: Oh, hush up, you. Now chop chop!

SpongeBob: I’ll show you chop chop, dickhead. *goes to annoy Squidward in his house*

Squidward: Dammit.

SpongeBob: I…literally only just walked in.

Squidward: Precisely. As if the robots weren’t bad enough.

SpongeBob: Oh yeah, whoops. Our bad.

Squidward: I expect nothing less of you two idiots. Of course you’re behind all this mess. Nevermind the actual logic behind such a conclusion, I just hate you both and need to pin it on someone.

SpongeBob: Do you wanna help me deal with this then?

Squidward: Are you fucking high? Hell no I’m not joining you on this adventure, no matter how successful it is in the future. Besides, I’m not even playable, so there’s your answer.

SpongeBob: Well, damn.

Squidward: If that’s all you came here to talk to me about then please bugger off and try not to jump around like an idiot because I have the biggest hangover in the world right now.


SpongeBob: *gets ready to jump*

Squidward: DON’T YOU DARE!


Squidward: Oh my god…please stop it.

SpongeBob: Fine. Give me that spatula in your pocket.

Squidward: Gladly. *hands it over*

Spatula Obtained – Piss Off Squidward

SpongeBob: I love how that’s not far off from what it’s actually called.

Squidward: Are you still here? GET OUT ALREADY!

SpongeBob: That’s it, your shit’s getting wrecked. *destroys everything that can be hit*

Sock: HIYA!




Squidward: …

SpongeBob: …

Squidward: …….

SpongeBob: Uh…is that Squilli-

Squidward: NO!

SpongeBob: Riiiiiiiight…I’m just gonna…I’m just like…yeahhhhhhh… *takes the sock and leaves*


Underwear on Squidward’s house: YOO HOO! Don’t forget about me!

Golden Spatula on SpongeBob's house: Or me!

SpongeBob: OHMIGOSH SHINY THINGS! *goes up to get the shiny things by using his powers on the magical buttons between the houses* Wait, a pair of golden underwear? Why is it gold?

Underwear: Uh…

SpongeBob: Nevermind, I don’t need to know.

Underwear: On the bright side, you have four pairs of underwear!

SpongeBob: Huzzah!

Spatula Obtained - You Know How To Press Buttons

Jellyfish Fields: Hey, it’s great that you’re exploring the neighbourhood and all that crap, but helloooo you have a story to be getting on with!

SpongeBob: Right right, I guess that’s everything I needed to do here anyway.


SpongeBob: Oh yeah, what do you want?

Bubble Buddy: I’m here to give you tips on your powers!

SpongeBob: Ew, no, I already have those annoying-ass signs for that and I already know how to use them cuz I did some basic crap with them in my illogically large library, and did you see me do the things to get to the top of my house. Yeah, I think I’m good.

Bubble Buddy: I HATE YOU.

SpongeBob: Bruh, I made you, show some respect. Anywho…LET’S START ACTUALLY PLAYING A LEVEL! WHOO! *runs to catch a taxi*


Coming up next: the wonders of jellyfish voyeurism!

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So as it turns out...level chapters are gonna be long as hell to write, and I'm probably barely halfway through Jellyfish Fields and I'd like to be able to upload some progress sooooo...I may as well upload each level in this parody in three parts. The splits will most likely correspond with entering new zones, although I might alter this principle in the future (looking at you, Sand Mountain). This might also help balance the word count between chapters a little more.


Chapter III – Jellyfish Fields - Part 1

French Narrator: Jellyfish Fields. Basically green, green, purple, and even more green and purple. Very bright world.

Squidward: *is running away*

Fodder: Come back! I just want a kiss! Kissy kissy kissy!

Squidward: Oh my god, I’m so close to the end of the level I-!

Jellyfish: Surprise, bitch!

Squidward: Welp, fuck. *is catapulted into the air as he’s stung in the ass*

Fodder: Fine, screw you, then!

SpongeBob: *finally arrives* This whole taxi thing seems kinda stupid, now that I think about it. I mean literally every single place I’m gonna have to go to in this game is on my doorstep.


SpongeBob: I honestly don’t have a choice, the game literally cut to this dialogue. Also, where did your bandages come from and why the hell couldn’t the devs give me pajamas if they can modify your appearance?

Squidward: Because they clearly know the fans like me more, so hush yourself. AND NOW BACK TO SCREAMING IN AGONY BECAUSE CLEARLY I AM IN PAIN AND NOT JUST EMOTIONALLY THIS TIME!

SpongeBob: Oh yeah, how you doing?

Squidward: About goddamn time you asked, and what the hell do you think? Do I LOOK okay to you?!?

SpongeBob: I mean, you were always ugly, so is that a trick question?


SpongeBob: Er, I mean….you look great! Yeah…you uh…you’re glowing…right?

Squidward: Do I look like I’m pregnant to you?

SpongeBob: Given the situation I caught you in earlier, is that a-


SpongeBob: Hey, I conveniently know something that could potentially cheer you up!

Squidward: Well, I’m all ears!

SpongeBob: King Jellyfish Jelly!

Squidward: The stuff you eat also cures stings?

SpongeBob: Yeah. Cool, right?

Squidward: Seems like plot convenience to me.

SpongeBob: Do you want the shit or not?

Squidward: …well, that means you could potentially die on Spork Mountain so please go off on your quest while I thrive in your absence while also screaming in pain!

SpongeBob: (actual dialogue, and in that totally different voice for absolutely no fucking reason) You do that! Don’t worry, Squidward! I’ll bring back that King Jellyfish jelly for you to rub all over yourself!

Squidward: Uh, is that a joke about-

SpongeBob: No. *proceeds to bugger off to go do the thing*

Sign: Yoo hoo!

SpongeBob: Oh god, please, no…

Sign: Welp, you’ve already come close to me, so I guess I get to tell you shit! Yay! Anyway this is goo and you can’t swim in this.

SpongeBob: Good to know.

Sign: How sad. Maybe you should learn to fucking swim. Pussy.

SpongeBob: I knew I was right to hate you.

Box: *exists*


Box: Ha, find the other box in this part of the level and then you can use us to teleport!

SpongeBob: Ugh, effort.

Sign: You know I could’ve told him that.

Box: Shut up, no one cares what you think.

SpongeBob: Yeah, you tell the bitch! Anyways, I better get on with the thing.

Clamshell: Pay me money, sucka!

SpongeBob: What the hell for?

Clamshell: Uh…are you blind? Do you want to cross this bridge to do the level or not?

SpongeBob: Joke’s on you cuz I see another route behind me!

Clamshell: *says nothing because it’s not stupid and is getting a sadistic boner for what’s yet to come*

SpongeBob: Haha, what a loser, I can’t believe it actually didn’t put up a fight, the coward.

Path: *ends*

Sock: Hiya!

SpongeBob: …well, fuck.

Sock: Take me! Take me!

SpongeBob: … *takes the sock anyway* …I still don’t want to do this but I guess I might have to compensate for shit down the road so I guess I must…

Clamshell: Back again, I see?

SpongeBob: Not another word. Here’s the dough, now let me pass.

Clamshell: Can do! *does nothing*





SpongeBob: Uh, aren’t you going to do something?

Clamshell: Nope!

Plane: *flies over SpongeBob and drops planks that coincidentally complete the bridge*

Clamshell: There you go!

SpongeBob: Are you telling me you had me pay for a fucking ex machina?

Clamshell: Yyyyyyyyeppers! What’re ya gonna do about it, bee-yatch?

SpongeBob: *doesn’t bother to counter and sods off across the bridge*

Checkpoint: Peek-a-boo!

SpongeBob: Ugh, there’s no way in hell I’m going to need these ev-er.

Checkpoint: Unless you’re dumb-ass finds itself in the goo.

SpongeBob: Yeah, but this is a parody, so good luck trying to justify your existence.

Checkpoint: Uh…oh, goddamn you.

SpongeBob: Exactly. Now to explore this side of the bridge! *explores this side of the bridge and basically does all of the shit possible*

Cannon: *exists and shoots pufferfish for some reason*


SpongeBob: Is this supposed to be challenging? Like, there are obvious safe spaces on some of these ledges I don’t see how-


SpongeBob: I wonder if I can- *hits the cannon* Yay! It worked!

Gary: Meow. (“Oh, for fuck’s sake!”)

SpongeBob: Cool it, Carol, now what the hell do you want?

Gary: Meow. (“To jump off that cliff, hopefully.”)

SpongeBob: What cli-

Cliff: Do I even need to say it?

Bungee Hook: *randomly drops down and shows itself* HIYA!

SpongeBob: Ooooooh, a bungee jump! That is so fucking awesome!

Gary: Meow. (“Yeah, wait til the Movie Game where there’s obstacles. See how you like it then.”)

SpongeBob: WHEEEEEEEE! *does the bungee jump thing*

Golden Spatula: *literally obtained within the first dive*

Spatula Obtained: Congrats…You Can Dive. #1

SpongeBob: …well that was uneventful.

Gary: Meow. (“Yeah, that’s great, now fuck off. Tootles!”)

SpongeBob: *fucks off up to the greenery on the higher level*

Ham-mer: *is content with bashing a guy in the head*

Fish: OW! OW! OW! OW!

SpongeBob: Alrighty then…I guess it’s Ham-mering time!




Ham-mer: …I beg you to just close your mouth.

Fish: I will pay you to shut up.

SpongeBob: Oh, I hate you both, that was a solid joke.

Ham-mer: Bitch who’s laughing?

SpongeBob: *defeats the Ham-mer in one move*

Fish: …here’s 20 dollars.

SpongeBob: Dollars are useless to me so no thanks, I’m just gonna ignore you now. *goes on down the path*

Bowling Pins: *exist*

SpongeBob: Seems kinda random, but I’m down.

Sign: Hey…


Sign: Hey…SpongeBob…


Sign: Oi…guess what...


Sign: Yo, you need the Bubble Bowl in order to do this cool thing. And uh…you don’t have that.

SpongeBob: And your point is?

Sign: Bye bye, now!

SpongeBob: Jesus H. Christ… *ignores the sign and keeps going doing all the shit possible*

Duplicatotron 1000: Heya!

SpongeBob: Hey. So what do you do?

Duplicatotron 1000: I’m an enemy spawner that’s pretty easy to destroy so I doubt you’ll get annoyed with me!

SpongeBob: Yeah, that sounds legit.

Duplicatotron 1000: *spawns a Fodder and a Ham-mer*

SpongeBob: Oh boy…as if I didn’t get the impression already… *destroys the machine*

Fodder and Ham-mer: What about us?

SpongeBob: Oh, please. Like either of you were in my way when I went to destroy the thing, but if you insist… *destroys the consenting robots because of course they insisted so it’s not malicious* And so with the button pushed I’m finally able to get the thing. Yay.

Spatula Obtained: One Area of Jellyfish Fields Explored…Good For You?

SpongeBob: Screw you, I’ve had to endure a lot of bullshit in this one part alone to get to you.

Signs, Checkpoints, Squidward, Random Pufferfish #godknowshowmany, Ham-mers, Fodders: EXCUSE YOU???

SpongeBob: Did I stutter? Didn’t think so.


Coming up in Part 2...no jellyfish voyeurism yet, but a creepy old man and the dimwitted best friend await!

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Chapter IV – Jellyfish Fields – Part 2

Mermaidman: *is in Jellyfish Fields because…why the fuck not*

SpongeBob: Ohmyfreakingawwwwd it’s Mermaidmaaaaaaaaaaan!

Mermaidman: Shut up, you’ve seen me countless times in the show so you have no right to act like that.

SpongeBob: Okay fine, but seriously, what the hell are you doing here?

Mermaidman: Uh…



SpongeBob: …goddammit I hate old people.

Mermaidman: Wait! I’ve got it! Your fr-

SpongeBob: The game camera just panned to Patrick stuck on an island and obviously I was somehow able to see that too so I’m just gonna go do the thing then.

Mermaidman: Nope, that wasn’t it. You need to massage my feet. Bitch.

SpongeBob: What is this, a porno? Fuck off.

Mermaidman: You can’t escape this dialogue unless you do it.

SpongeBob: …well shit.

Mermaidman’s feet: Hahahahahahaha!


SpongeBob: There, now sod off, your feet are whack and I loathe you with every inch of my being.

Mermaidman: But wait, you haven’t even gotten to my d-


Sign: Hey you can slide down this you know.

SpongeBob: No duh.

Sign: But…you will need to use your tongue.

SpongeBob: Welp…still sounds like a better deal than what I just went through. *gets out his inexplicably long tongue*

Mermaidman: Damn, that could do wonders on-

SpongeBob: I swear to god I will hit you. *fucks off down the hill*

Groovy battle music that’s honestly pretty awesome: TIME TO FIGHT!

SpongeBob: Yeah, like this is an actual fight. *opts to ignore all the robots and hits all the buttons across the three islands because why even bother with riff raff*

Fodder: You insult us.

SpongeBob: Feeling’s mutual.

Patrick: MY HERO!

SpongeBob: I mean…now that I see you you’re literally out of harm’s way.

Patrick: What’s your point?

SpongeBob: Uh…can I just have the thing, please?

Patrick: Sure. *farts out a golden spatula*

Spatula Obtained: Patrick Is A Pussy…Save His Ass

Patrick: Wanna fight me?

SpongeBob: Hey, cool, you got it for me! So long! *yeets the fuck out of the map…somehow*

Patrick: Oh, goddammit. I just had the right fantasy to mas-

Aquatic Konquest: HEYYYYYYY I remember something in the previous bit that might be worth our time!

Patrick: No I am not going back there.

Aquatic Konquest: Like you have a choice.

Patrick: Touche. *is forced to backtrack to first section through the teleportation box*

Mermaidman: Young man, have you come to rub my feet? Your little boyfriend didn’t finish what he started.

Patrick: Ignoring kthx.


Patrick: Great, now I’m back where SpongeBob ditched Squidward. What do you want?

Sock in the water: YOO-HOO!

Patrick: Oh, right.

Freezy Fruit: Throw me, daddy!

Patrick: *throws the fruit* Let it go….let it go…

Squidward: If you sing that I will personally murder you.

Sock: Yay! I’m being rescued!

Patrick: Coolbeans, now can I get back on track?


Patrick: *has returned to where SpongeBob left him*

Sign: Heya!

Patrick: Oh, no, not you.

Sign: Yeah, yeah, save your bullshit. I just wanted to tell you how you have these super cool throwing abilities.

Patrick: That…is pretty cool, actually. Now please explain cuz I’m dumb.

Sign: So you have this special infinite supply of watermelons that you can throw places to do whatever the game needs you to. Also you can throw tikis around but they won’t last once you throw them. Make it count anyway.

Patrick: Hardly a problem. I doubt I’m gonna need to throw tikis around anyway.

Sign: Oh, and the fruit only lasts for a couple seconds before it goes all mushy and shit so you need to use the very few brain cells you have to figure out what the hell you need to do before you realize you done fucked up an opportunity.

Patrick: And there’s the catch. *solves the first puzzle*

Sign: Well done you! Now this is a bus stop. The placement of these things is purely convenient for gameplay but you can switch between yourself and SpongeBob.

SpongeBob: Bring me back and I swear I’ll kick you, Patrick.

Sign: Ignore him, he’s just bitter that his ass is fucking useless for quite a while to go now. Now git.

Patrick: Okay, cool. *does the things and comes across a see-sa-I mean, teeter totter* What is that?

Sign: See the fruit? See the target on the end? Figure it out for yourself now, dick.

Patrick: And all good alliances shall come to an end.

Sign: Bitch I’ll be back.

Patrick: Also I just realized you insulted me a few lines back but whatever I’m out of here. *yeets the fuck away into another part of the level* Ow, my ass.


Patrick: Oh, yeah, what’re you going to do about it?

Thunder Tiki: Observe. *explodes in Patrick’s face*

Patrick: Well, shit. Wish I knew you did that.

Sign: Am I a joke to you?

Patrick: Is that a trick question?

Sign: Aww…you gonna hit me? Throw one of those tikis at me?

Patrick: Aw, hell yeah, thanks for the tip.


Patrick: *is stupid and blind…but mostly stupid*

Plankton: …I am not even that small in comparison to the rock I’m standing on, you dumb lummox!

Patrick: What’s a lummox?

Plankton: Doesn’t matter; kids playing this won’t understand what it means anyway.

Patrick: What are you doing on a rock anyway? You’re pretty obvious to spot and you’re normally on the ground anyway.

Plankton: Kids are dumb.

Patrick: You’re dumb.

Plankton: Up yours.

Patrick: Now that I’m allowed to acknowledge your presence what the hell are you doing here?

Plankton: Honestly…I have no idea. I was going to beat the shit out of you after airing me just a while ago but since the game has a small variety of secondary characters to appear in levels I guess I’m here to help you or some shit.

Patrick: No thanks, I’m not interested.

Plankton: Just go in that fucking cave over there and learn some shit so we can progress through this level, yeah?

Patrick: Do I have to listen to the signs?

Plankton: Yes.


Signs: Well, fuck you too.

Plankton: There’s a Golden Spatula in it for you and I’ll let you live.

Patrick: Honestly I think I’d much rather die than put up with another godforsaken tutorial.

Plankton: I hear ya. Now fuck off.

Patrick: *fucks off*

Button: *is on the ground*

Patrick: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Sign: Use your head. Christ sakes…

Patrick: *jumps and does a head slam into the button, which…works…huh*

Sign: That’s a way of approaching it, I guess.

Patrick: Your literally just said I should use my head.

Sign: …jesus you are dumb.

Patrick: Yeppers! *goes into the cave*

Cave: *is relatively easy to go through*

Patrick: Yeah, but fuck the throw fruit for platforming in this game.

Golden Spatula at the end of the cave: Coo-ey! Up hereeeeee!

Patrick: Ooh, shiny. *makes his way through the easy-to-fuck-over enemies and Duplicatotronsto get the Spatula*

Spatula Obtained: You May Be Stupid But You Made Your Way Through A Cave

Patrick: Shut up you. *leaves the cave*  


Coming up next: The jellyfish voyeurism we'll all been waiting for! The end of the first level is almost upon us!

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Chapter V – Jellyfish Fields  - Part 3

Mr. Krabs: Hiya!

Patrick: Dammit! Just when I thought I wouldn’t have to talk to your crusty ass.

Mr. Krabs: First off, it’s krusty with a K and second off, fuck you. Anyway, the 4-1-1 around this bitch is that you’re looking for that big mean blue monster.

Patrick: I am?

Mr. Krabs: Well, the player needs to know somehow and SpongeBob sure as hell ain’t talking to me.

SpongeBob: Damn right I’m not so give the information to him.

Patrick: I hate you, little yellow bastard.

SpongeBob: Love-oooo!

Mr. Krabs: OY! I’M STILL TALKING! That blue fucker’s been sending all my customers to hell so please kill the thing. It’s on Spork Mountain.

Patrick: I mean, I already bloody well knew that, duh. Plus this part of the game is Spork Mountain, you blind-ass-

Mr. Krabs: And what do you care, you can’t even get up to the top cuz you can’t smash your ugly-ass face up a pair of walls.

Patrick: I…um…oh, go screw yourself.

Mr. Krabs: Been there done that, honey. Toodles!

Patrick: Grrrrrrr…

Tar-Tar: *is minding its own business even though it is one of the most annoying little shits in the game* Hum-de-dum…ooh, what’s that?

Cut-outs with doodles of SpongeBob and Patrick and a stamp of a squirrel: *exist for who knows why* SURPRISE!

Tar-Tar: QUICKDRAW! *shoots the targets*

Cut-out SpongeBob: I have been slain.

Cut-out squirrel: I have also been slain. Also, I’m meant to represent Sandy, you son of a b-

Cut-out Patrick: Spinspinspinspinspinspin…

Patrick: Doesn’t make any sense for it to spin if the two didn-OH SHIT IT FELL DOWN!

Cut-out Patrick: Rose…bud…

Tar-Tar: It’s all in the wrist.

Patrick: Please, spare me.

Tar-Tar: Ooh, a bigger target!

Patrick: Screw you! *walks into the first blob of Tar-Tar*

Tar-Tar: Ha ha! You’re so stupid!

Patrick: I’ll show you…BELLY PUNCH!!!

Tar-Tar: Pfft…like that’ll stop m-


Tar-Tar: Oh shit. *explodes*

Patrick: Aw, I wanted to keep the tar tar sauce…

Ghost of the Tar-Tar: Aw, that’s cute, you thought that was tar tar sauce.

Patrick: …I want to retract my previous statement.

Random-ass fish nearby: Time to boogie!

Patrick: Shut up. *continues down the path*

Mrs. Puff: Heyyyyyy big boy.

Patrick: What’s shakin’, lady?

Mrs. Puff: You know, I’d love it if…you…you know…jumped in the lake and like…didn’t come back up. That’d be like…soooo hot.

Patrick: But I can’t swim.

Mrs. Puff: Yes…oh, that’s even hotter…

Patrick: That’s freakin’ sadist, lady.

Mrs. Puff: Don’t judge me.

Patrick: Oh, I’m judging you.

Mrs. Puff: There’s a Golden Spatula in it for you if you do…

Patrick: *runs across the bridge* MINE! WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?

Ham-mer: I came from nowhere but nyah nyah! We’ve hidden it!

Patrick: I bet it’s in one of those things around the lake!

Ham-mer: I thought you were supposed to b-


Ham-mer: Wait,wha---?

Patrick: *throws the Ham-mer into one of the ducts* Aw, dammit, not that one.

Another Ham-mer: You’ll never find—oh, no… *is thrown into yet another duct*


Patrick: Nnnnnnnnope! *throws three more into the last three ducts*

Lake: You’re a dick for disrupting my flow. But here’s your shiny thing, now get the hell out of here.

Patrick: Gladly.

Spatula Obtained: Draining Illogical Lakes Is a Good Thing…?

Last surviving Ham-mer: You dickhead…I’ll…

Patrick: BELLY PUNCH!!!

Ham-mer: Oh, crap. *explodes*


Mrs. Puff: Oh, and you survived…great…

Patrick: Well, go fuck yourself then. And screw this crap why the hell am I even needed here anymore…I’m outta here.

SpongeBob: Patrick, I swear, if you…

Patrick: HEY BUS! I’M STANDING AT THE BUS STOP! *fucks off on a bus*


Mrs. Puff: Hey, you’re skinny and can’t swim either…maybe you could drown in this lake.

SpongeBob: I’m not gonna do that.

Mrs. Puff: Well, how else am I supposed to enjoy my day?

SpongeBob: lol I don’t care. Bye bye! *makes his way up all the bullshit*


The level itself: *basically a ton of platforming from this point on so…skip!*

SpongeBob: Yeah, I’m sure I didn’t miss anything important during that.

Konquest: You really didn’t.

SpongeBob: …that was my point.

Konquest: Oh.

SpongeBob: Yyyyyyeah. And hey, Golden Spatula for the taking!

Spatula Obtained: All You Did Was Make Your Way To The Boss But OK…

SpongeBob: …whatever, I’m done with this.

Random-ass fish: Hello!

SpongeBob: How the hell did you get up here.

Random-ass fish: Who knows! *continues to dawdle or whatever the fuck it’s supposed to be doing*

SpongeBob: Right. Now where is this jelly fucker… *goes up the mountain…even more, I guess?*


Bubble Buddy: *is…there*

SpongeBob: Someone’s pretty high.

Bubble Buddy: Was that a joke?

SpongeBob: Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t.

Bubble Buddy: Mmmmmkay. Anyway lemme get back to staring at that sexy beast. Mmmmmmmmmm I’d love me a piece of that.

SpongeBob: Seriously? I thought you were here to help me with some shit, what the hell dude?

Bubble Buddy: Have you even seen the King Jellyfish?

SpongeBob: Can’t say I have in this game’s canon, no.

Bubble Buddy: Well, he could get it if he wanted, I’m just saying.

SpongeBob: What the fuck?! How would that even be-

Bubble Buddy: Shhhhh shut up! He’s right up there!

SpongeBob: Perfect then. All I’ll have to do is milk the beast for some jelly so that Squidward can quietly stop being Squidward.

Buddle Buddy: Lucky…what I wouldn’t give for a pair of limbs that I could use to-

SpongeBob: And with that I am off.

Cutscene: *triggers*

SpongeBob: *peers over the edge*

King Jellyfish: *is showering* Too high…can’t come do-own…

SpongeBob: Ooooooooooh he’s some handsome…

Bubble Buddy: I told you!

SpongeBob: Hey! Shut it! *lifts himself onto the ground where the King Jellyfish is*

King Jellyfish: I’m dangerous…I’m lovin’ it…

SpongeBob: And that voice…ooh, if I weren’t on a mission I’d-

King Jellyfish: WHAT THE FUCK?

SpongeBob: Uh oh.


SpongeBob: I…do not know how I want to respond to that.

King Jellyfish: I don’t like you. TASTE MY FURY!

Buddle Buddy: YOU LUCKY SON OF A-

SpongeBob: *hits the King Jellyfish when he tries to squash him*

King Jellyfish: How disrespectful.

SpongeBob: Well fuck you, you started it.

King Jellyfish: HOW DARE YOU *shits out some little jellyfish*

SpongeBob: Umm…

King Jellyfish: Uh…I got too excited. But…I liked it. *goes down to crush SpongeBob again*

SpongeBob: Oh helllll no. *smacks him away again*

King Jellyfish: *has some blue jellyfish appear afterward* Ooh, I’ve never had ones like those before.

SpongeBob: *hits him again the next time he does it and he hits him hard*

King Jellyfish: Uh…OW???!? THAT WASN’T FUN AT ALL!

SpongeBob: Just give me what I fucking came for and I’ll be out of this godawful place.

King Jellyfish: So fucking rude I swear to god…here’s your fucking jelly freshly squeezed out of myself this morning now go fuck off and die down this ramp, I’m away for a pint at the pub.

SpongeBob: Oh, goody-goody! *goes down the ramp*

Larry: *is just at the bottom of the ramp*

SpongeBob: What?

Larry: Yoooooo!

SpongeBob: Yeah, hi. Now, what?

Larry: Yeah, hey, dude there’s like this totally gnarly spatula up there that you could totally jump to if you’re not stupid enough to miss it.

SpongeBob: I missed it the first time, what are you insinuating?

Larry: That you need fucking glasses and a new brain, obviously.

SpongeBob: Hmph! *goes back up the mountain, does the ramp again and gets the spatula*

Spatula Obtained: This One’s A Freebie, Don’t Get Excited.

Larry: Still took you a second attempt at it. I bet you I could’ve done it on the first try, man.

SpongeBob: And with that, I have rendered you completely useless.

Larry: …I don’t like you.

SpongeBob: Right back at ya, buddy! *fucks off back to the first part via trampoline ex machina*


Squidward: Oh! Ooh, yeah…mmmm…oh, yeahhhhhh that’s the stuff…

SpongeBob: If you’re gonna keep moaning when putting it on, I’m gonna yeet right now. Unless…

Squidward: Unless what?

SpongeBob: You let me help you…put some on in some…hard to reach places, if you know what I mean.

Squidward: Thanks, but no thanks. I’ve got plans for that anyw-uh.

SpongeBob: Oh?

Squidward: YOU HEARD NOTHING! Now take this and go away.

Spatula Obtained: Congrats, You Are Done With Jellyfish Fields.

SpongeBob: Thank GOD. That felt like forever.

Konquest: You’re telling me.

SpongeBob: Nope, you don’t get to say that. Now where is that goddamn taxi I’m getting the fuck out of here.


And with that the first level of the game is finally over! Next up: there's trouble in town as SpongeBob faces his greatest fear yet...a playable female character with a better skill set than him! Be in awe at the majesty of the triple jump-glide move and marvel at her medium range lasso attack! Sandy's coming out to play!

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