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JCM

jcm's riffing theater (3050 colorized)

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i apparently have some old demons to expel so i'll be doing it here with a one-off (two-off? idk) lit

not created with the consultation of jjs or elastic dog and will probably get deleted redacted so enjoy it while you can

[align=center]SpongeBob's Host

[JCM: Gotta love that broken BBcode!]

Directed by: Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick

[JCM: Not "written by", not "hastily put together after a night of underage drinking", but "directed by". We've got Hitchcock up in here, folks!]

11rq3jr.png[/align]

[JCM: The following program contains really fucked up shit and due to its content it should not be viewed by anyone.]

I've been wanting to write a mature SpongeBob story for a while now. "SpongeBob's Host" is a SpongeBob spinoff that takes place before the "Help Wanted" episode premieres -- a prequel to the series. It takes a mature turn at what occurred before the events of the series, one that will keep you in suspense as you keep reading.

[JCM: Suspense as to whether somebody can write a worse prequel than George Lucas.]

[align=center]88x31.png

SpongeBob's Host by Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.

[JCM: I feel like he spent more time looking up what to license this under than actually writing the spin-off.]

Based on a work at www.sbcforums.com.[/align]

[JCM: What work? Is it based on itself? Is this "proper" introduction designed to distract us from the juvenility and coarseness of the spin-off itself? Why am I asking you all these questions?]

Season 1:

Episode 1: The Beginning

Episode 2: SpongeBob's First Customer

Episode 3: The Man

Episode 4: The Big Discovery

Episode 5: The Shade Figure, Part I

Episode 6: The Shade Figure, Part II

[JCM: Good God, there are six of them. I already regret this.]

Without further ado, here's "SpongeBob's Host". :D

[JCM: :thumbdown:]

[align=center]Episode 1: The Beginning[/align]

It was a cold and dark day in underwater Bikini Bottom.

[JCM: Ooh, a "dark and stormy night" type opening! That gives me confidence in the writer's (sorry, director's) originality!]

The moon was reflecting through the waves in the ocean, trickling through without remorse.

[JCM: That moon's an asshole.]

Downtown, there was a lonely sponge walking. His physique wasn't the most appealing: his attire displeased everyone with his rag shirt and torn pants; he was as dirty as one could get; he hadn't shaved in what appears to be weeks.

[JCM: SpongeBob doesn't have hair...or does he? :ohgod:]

The sponge was leaving a place called "The Jig". At the door, there was a warning sign that says, "Not for the weak heart.

[JCM: Your heart needs to bench more.]

Kids stay out."

[JCM: *removes beard to reveal he's actually 12 year old* The Jig is up.]

The sponge was cold and hungry. With the little coins in his pocket, he stopped by the Barg'N-Mart and purchased a single store-brand can of soup. The employee gave him a dirty look as she smelled his foul stench, and scanned. The sponge was not in a very good mood -- you know, the awful kind when you're in the worst-of-the-worst moods.

[JCM: Like the mood I'm in while reading this.]

This sponge was named SpongeBob SquarePants. He wasn't always like this. Let's go back to when all of this first started, shall we?

[JCM: We shant.]

SpongeBob was merrily walking home from his daytime job at the First Nautical Bank, where he worked as a broker. He liked to hang out with his best friend Tom Smith after his job, made investments, and lived a pretty normal life. One day, as he got home, he found a strange piece of paper on his door. The paper had read, "REPOSSESSED. This home has been repossessed by the First Nautical Bank."

[JCM: press f to pay respects]

SpongeBob didn't know what to do: without a home, where was he going to live?

[JCM: f]

The very next day, SpongeBob found out that he had been fired from his job at the First Nautical Bank. Where was he going to work?

[JCM: f]

Surely there must be another job. After his boss yelled at him for not paying his mortgage,

[JCM: So he got fired from a job he was presumably competent at for not paying his mortgage? I don't think that's how jobs work.]

a customer had heard the conversation. The customer said, "Hey. If you need a job, I can give you one quick." SpongeBob didn't know what to say, but he was desperate -- he nodded and followed the strange guy out of the bank. The strange guy gave him another nod, and BANG! SpongeBob was out in-the-cold.

[JCM: f]

When he woke up, SpongeBob makes out where he is:

[JCM: A place where verb tenses don't matter.]

at a bar of some sort. "Where am I...?" SpongeBob bursted out in mutter.

The strange guy was there, gave a sigh, and said, "Your job is to host these customers."

[Captain Obvious: Oh, so that's why they call it SpongeBob's Host.]

SpongeBob asks, "Alright. What do I need to wear?" The guy chuckles and blurts, "Take off your clothes! Your job is to give these customers a good time. You'll make money by delivering their every itch, their every pleasure."

SpongeBob didn't know what to say.

[JCM: I know what to say:

f

So that's it for this episode! Assuming this thread is still here next week, I'll riff the rest of the episodes then. If you want to riff an episode with me, slide into my DMs and I'll make it happen. Thanks for reading the first of what will apparently be a six-off (kill me now).]

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[align=center]Episode 2: SpongeBob's First Customer[/align]

[JCM: We're back, and with a special guest this time: Steel Sponge!]
[Steel: Yes, it is I! I have temporarily stepped out of retirement from doing riffs to riff this "interesting" spin-off. Taking into consideration of this author's history, I know I'm in for a ride.]

After losing his job at the First Nautical Bank, a strange guy takes SpongeBob to an unknown place in desperate hope for a job to pay off his bankruptcy.

[JCM: You do realize bankrupty's an entire process and not just having trouble with money, right?]
[Steel: This is clearly the fancy way of saying that someone is in debt.]

SpongeBob finally starts making out exactly where he was. Around him were other fish, stripped down to bare skin, smiling at each other from the jokes they shared. Something about the place had an eerie feel to it -- it's as if he was locked down in a dungeon of naked men. He starts to panic.

[Steel: This went from serial drama to anti-sex abuse PSA real quick.]

"Where the hell am I?!" SpongeBob demands with rage. The strange guy just blinks, gives a cheesy smile, and answers, "You're at 'The Jig', a place where people, men and women, can come with sexual desires. You make money based on how satisfied your customers are. But you better be careful: get a customer fucked up and you'll experience pain like no other mother!"

[JCM: Leave my mother out of this!]

SpongeBob began to think about the events that happened just hours ago: how he had lost his house, his job, and now how he's stuck in some sex host building. Then he thought about what the guy had said. "Get a customer fucked up and you'll experience pain like no other mother!" What is that supposed to mean?

[JCM: sBeAoF5.jpg]

[Steel: The only question I feel asking is how does all this correlate to the events of "Help Wanted?"]

Out of the corner of an eye, he sees another man bending over and screaming. "NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"

But it was too late. A really tall, bulky man was already whipping him with a spiked whip, hitting without remorse or reasoning. The big man said, "That's what you get for getting a customer pregnant!" Blood was starting to come out of the fish's back, and it bled onto the floor below. Within a few seconds, the blood started gushing; it came out so fast that some of it got to SpongeBob's shoes.

[JCM: Spin-off not "adult" enough for you? Here's some gratuitous gore!]
[Steel: I'm an adult and yet I feel like I need one right now.]

SpongeBob started trembling with fear. "If I get a customer pregnant, I get whipped 'til I bleed to death?!"

[JCM: No, just 'til you like it.]
[Steel: Yes, but have you ever heard of the smartest option imaginable to escape unwarranted torture? Bail. Call the popo. Just do anything to get out the situation that you shouldn't have any reason to stay in.]

He was then interrupted by the strange guy cleaning up the blood. The guy then says to SpongeBob, "Don't mind him, he deserved to die. He committed adultery and received his punishment.

[JCM: Good Christian prostitution ring here.]

Anyways, your first customer has just arrived. Hurry up and take your clothes off!" SpongeBob doesn't hesitate: he took off his clothes as quick as he could, and follows the guy into a strange room.

The room was dark and cold. Inside was only two things: a king-sized bed and a window. The customer then came in: she was a huge whale with makeup, short-shorts, leg stockings that rose to her hips, and only a bikini to cover herself

[JCM: oh god...]
[Steel: I'm not just going to bother to try and say something witty about this. I thought I'd only be in for a sadfest, but this spin-off is already making me sick.]

She had to be at least 6' 10" or so, which intimidated SpongeBob even more than he was moments ago. Then she spoke with a sexy tone and a low, hushed voice. "My name is Pearl, how are you?"

[JCM: *projectile vomits everywhere* I took this better than I expected.]
[Steel: *joins in on the vomiting.*]

SpongeBob tried to make out some words and muttered, "I'm f-f-fine. What is your request, m'am?"

[JCM: where's the leak ma'am]

Pearl giggled and said, "I want to have sex, duh!"

[JCM: Yet you need to pay for it? Just hit up Octavius Rex on Snapper Chat and you'll have saved me a shit-ton of distress.]

And so, SpongeBob, with a grave face, went into the bed with Pearl, and had to have sex with her. At first, things seemed to be a little awkward -- touching her rubbery physique was not exactly the most pleasurable -- but he eventually found a place she did like: her whale hole.

[JCM: NO GOD WHY]
[Steel: image.jpeg.ffe3c66b88301d154cd95dcc58dd9e80.jpeg]

SpongeBob had a grand time (I mean, who wouldn't have fun with sex, even if it was with a complete stranger?),

[JCM: Don't violate point-of-view for unnecessary asides! Don't do anything this episode has done so far! Just don't!]
[Steel: I pointed a gun to my head. (I mean, who wouldn't want to put an end to their misery, even if it was because you read such a morbid piece of literature?]

but then he remembered the fish from before. "That's what you get for getting a customer pregnant!" SpongeBob immediately rejected the thought, thinking "She's a whale. How could I possibly get her knocked up? I don't even have the right manhood to do so." SpongeBob stood there and froze: he could not believe that he had just thought about that, as if everything was alright.

[Steel: Yeah, let's put having sex with a 16 year old out of question but ALWAYS think twice before you might end up getting her pregnant.]

Pearl asked, "Are you alright, spongy?"

[JCM: He isn't and I'm not. Instead of making SpongeBob's first customer Pearl, who at the time had to have been 15 AT THE MOST, why not make his first customer Mrs. Puff? It would have been truer to escort companies IRL for it to be an older, less-desired woman, it would have been funnier, and most importantly, it would have been LEGAL. That's it for my rant. There's four more episodes of this, and I'm not sure I'll be able to last through them. Guess we'll see.]

[Steel: image.jpeg.3e7e011fac131a7662c69726ddd495dd.jpeg ]

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[align=center]Episode 3: The Man[/align]

[Jjs: What I'd rather be listening to right now instead of reading one of the cringiest and most fucked up things to ever exist on SBC. I'm probably going to deeply regret this, but let's go.]

SpongeBob, now in bed with Pearl, doesn't know what to do.

[Jjs: Well I'm pretty sure you already "did" something.]

[JCM: As long as it's not another hole, I'll be fine.]

The breeze from the cool window blows in, brushing in and out of Pearl's hole.

[Jjs: Wow, such vivid imagery.]

[JCM: triggered]

Now in a panic of fear from the thought of getting Pearl knocked up,

[Jjs: I think that's the least of your concerns right now. I'd personally be more concerned about arrested for statutory rape, but yeah, knocking a 16 year old up is pretty concerning too.]

SpongeBob is caught between the wringer.

[JCM: i thought he was in bed with pearl]

[Jjs: This has enough problems so far, let's not bring Stuck in the Wringer into the mix.]

The stars around him glisten in an organized fashion, waiting for time itself to make a move.

[Jjs: I too enjoy forcing in random poetic details to make my smut fic seem less creepy.]

[JCM: What does that even mean? You can't just throw words together and expect them to make sense. I can use personification, too, but I'm not gonna shoehorn it in where it isn't appropriate.]

Pearl said in protest, "SpongeBob! I'm paying you by the hour!"

[Jjs: Let's hope he's getting paid the minimum wage!]

[Mr. Krabs: Like daughter like father arr arr arr!]

He woke from his dreaded nightmare.

[Jjs: Lucky for him, but unfortunately for me, I still haven't woke from this dreaded nightmare of a fanfiction.]

SpongeBob had reminded himself, "I need to do this so I can make something of myself once more!"

[JCM: If that something is a sex offender, you're well on your way.]

Once again, the rubbery feeling had tickled through SpongeBob's pores. Squeaks from rubbing it and the moans from everlasting pleasure filled the room.

[Jjs: Genuine question: Does anyone in the entire universe, in any ironic, joking or serious context, find any of this "hot"? Because I sure don't.]

Pearl seemed to have the most fun out of having sex with SpongeBob -- in fact, she was encouraging SpongeBob to do so harder. SpongeBob didn't protest: he gave her what she wanted.

[JCM: Maybe SpongeBob should be less of a sponge and grow a spine.]

Suddenly, the tall, bulky man from earlier came in. The room, once filled with squeaks and moans, became dead silent. The man, who had to bend over and squeeze through the door had started them both.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: startled

Also, wtf kind of door is that if he has to bend over and squeeze through it!?]

SpongeBob started shaking, Pearl's cheeks were the reddest its ever been, the window stopped brushing. The man filled the room with his double-bass

[Jjs: Is this man related to Bubble Bass?]

and extremely powerful voice with just three sentences. "Pearl, the police is here. You are illegally here. There's no escape." The man gave a smirk so large that one could think that his mouth was fifty-inches-long.

[JCM: But nobody would think that because that would be stupid.]

His mustache had been so large that SpongeBob could had sworn that he hides a gun within it. Pearl's head was small compared to his biceps.

[Jjs: I'm so glad we took three sentences fetishizing this mustachioed man. Time well spent.]

Pearl immediately ran from the room in fright, but the man was too quick.

[Jjs: So is this guy the real Quickster? Some superheroes sure can take mighty falls in life...]

He immediately grabbed her with any struggle,

[JCM: without any struggle]

[Jjs: Yup. Pearl getting forced into sex by a creepy older man was on my bucket list of things to read in life, apparently.]

lifted her up like a pencil,

[JCM: unlikely due to her being a whale and everything]

[Jjs: WATCH THE POINT!]

and laughed. "You think you can get away, don't you? Well, I was kidding about the whole police thing. It's pleasure that I want."

[JCM: Just what this spin-off needed. Actual rape.]

With a quick, powerful jerk, he took off his pants. SpongeBob noticed one thing: his manhood was the size of Pearl's leg.

[Jjs: SpongeBob sure is an observant one, isn't he folks?]

The man, with a loud and evil laugh, turned her upside down and took an expedition into Pearl's whale hole.

[Jjs: EWW EWW EWW EWW]

SpongeBob was shaking violently to the point where the bed was rattling. He didn't know what to do: run away or watch.

[JCM: How about helping Pearl out? No? Not an option? Alright, then.]

[Jjs: I'd say run away, but then there's the fact the police are probably waiting outside for you due to a tip of some statutory rape from everyone's childhood star SpongeBob SquarePants.]

SpongeBob was carefully watching the man, observing his every move as if to take notes on what his job should be like.

[Jjs: 980x.gif ]

Then SpongeBob, without thinking,

[Jjs: Pretty sure he hasn't been thinking the entire past three chapters, odd time to suddenly specify that now.]

[JCM: "Then SpongeBob, in his normal phase of thought..."]

ran towards the door. The man was furious.

[Jjs: Yeah, how dare he not think about running towards the door! Truly the worst crime he's committed thus far.]

"And where do you think you're going?" The man quickly punched SpongeBob across the room, where he splat on the wall with blood gushing out of him.

[Jjs: Brought to you by Microsoft EDGE.]

[JCM: You get unnecessary gore! You get unnecessary gore! Unnecessary gore for everybody!]

He put Pearl down, who had been dizzy from the power of his interception, and headed towards SpongeBob. The man said, "I don't usually do this, but I've been curious to know." And with that, he gave himself a tour of SpongeBob.

[Jjs: EWW EWW EWW EWW]

But oddly enough, SpongeBob didn't hesitate.

[Jjs: ...I've riffed a lot of screwy stuff on SBC, but jesus fucking christ, I don't even know where to begin with pointing out what's wrong with this. I'm speechless. All I can say is that thank god I'm not riffing the last three chapters, and may whatever deity you believe in have marcy on the riffers' souls.]

[JCM: I lost my soul after episode 2. Onward!]

Edited by jjsthekid
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[align=center]Episode 4: The Big Discovery[/align]

[JCM: Is this where we find out where babies come from?]

Pearl shot a funny glare at the scene; she could not believe her eyes! SpongeBob, could he possibly be...? Pearl thought to herself. The thought in her head ran through her mind like an endless enigma, milk spilling all over a table with no hope for a future.

[Trophy: Future English Teacher writing tip #1: in fanfics forcing in references to one-off gags from the source is perfect no matter how forced in it is! Somehow this is the most attention he gave to any detail in the entire episode.]

[JCM: The inner machinations of my mind tell me this is lazy writing.]

Pearl wanted to run away, but alas! Her feet were glued to the floor.

[JCM: Sticky soles are one of the stranger teenage fads today.]

The gruesome scene had stunned Pearl to her core. Inside of her was a piece that died: a teenage heart that had been shattered by a hammer of truth.

[Trophy: Pearl was already going to this shady place for sex as a 15 year old yet this is what makes her poor teenage heart die? Well I'm not the doctor here so I have no clue on heartbreak.]

Her heart pieces had fell down to the bottom of her stomach, where the butterflies that once inhabited inside of her had flight to her esophagus.

[JCM: I'm learning more about anatomy from this spin-off than I did in biology class.]

She felt remorse far worse than any teenage girl should ever feel. Pearl started to tear up.

"That's the spot!" the man screamed with delight.

[Trophy: SpongeBob's arm made for a killer backscratcher from our beloved director's inspiration for his username, so I'm just going with him being a great backscratcher here too. Itchy backs are very discomforting!]

Dashing, dashing, unicorns flying over a rainbow by a teenage boy group named "Boys Who Cry".

[Trophy: BWC have no relevance to this story whatsoever so their inclusion confuses me just as much as anyone else.]

[JCM: Dashing, dashing unicorns? Did Metal Snake co-write this episode?]

SpongeBob had felt an antipode within Pearl: she was heartbroken, and he was having the time of his life. The feeling of the man squishing inside of his yellow pores had soothed his soul, but then black started to come.

[JCM: black is my favorite character]

All at once, he was out.

After he had woke up, SpongeBob made his surroundings and found that he was in the bar again with the strange guy from the bank. He smiled and said, "You've done well, my boy. You're hired!"

[Trophy: All it took was getting raped in his....pores(?) but he earned that pay like a stripper giving a lapdance!]

[JCM: My job interviews never go nearly that well, but they also don't require me breaking nearly as many laws.]

SpongeBob couldn't comprehend what was going on. "What just happened? I was with Pearl, but then-" The strange guy had cut him off, and said with a villainous tone, "Don't worry about it! It was a test to see if you qualified.

[JCM: Wouldn't it just be easier to get a certificate in amorality?]

[Trophy: Damn MDPP was revolutionizing "just a prank" half a decade early! what a legend.]

Under normal circumstances, we wouldn't hire you, but we are starting a new program for people just like you."

[JCM: This episode of trauma I've encountered is made possible by viewers like you. Thank you.]

Again, SpongeBob couldn't understand what was happening. "P-p-people like m-m-e?" He started shaking in fear.

The strange guy was curious. "What? You didn't realize it before? Oh boy. You're gay!"

[Trophy:

download.jpeg.500eefc6ea434d245635eaddb020af36.jpeg

Seriously, getting fucked in the asspores doesn't mean he's gay, although one wonders how SB has sex at all given thar he reproduces by budding. Oh well, we all know how much MDPP truly watched SpongeBob given that this is a prequel to Help Wanted!]

[JCM: Obviously he knows SpongeBob's sexual orientation better than SpongeBob does, due to the simple fact that he didn't complain when his boss raped him.]

SpongeBob was left speechless. I'm g-gay? How come Pearl... and the man... what?! He didn't know what to say. It would explain why he never had any girlfriends in high school,

[Trophy: If you tried to get girls and werent hindered by doubts of wanting them, that at the very least means you're likely bi and not gay. That is, unless SpongeBob is merely deflecting his real girl issues like a certain someone has been recently...]

but why did he have fun with Pearl? Was it out of fear? Or what if...

[JCM: Bisexuality is actually something that exists?]

"You can go home now, SpongeBob," the strange guy had told him.

Now we are where episode one began: SpongeBob leaving "The Jig" on a cold and dark day, a moon reflecting in the water, rag clothes, and unshaven.

[JCM: I just realized that the start of episode one was a flash forward. I guess that's better than just realizing you like men...]

As he left "The Jig", he couldn't get that out of his mind. Oh boy. You're gay! The cold water pressing against SpongeBob's body gave him a chill, and his stomach was grumbling. He went to the Barg'N-Mart to buy his can of soup, only for the cashier to hold his noise in protest of his foul stench, and walked by his house. If only I had my house for a little longer...

SpongeBob only had one place to go: in a dark alley where he could stay for the night. The night seemed darker than usual. Bikini Bottom was enclosing on him, grabbing him by the neck and squeezing until the last breath of life came out of his throat.

[JCM: Can Bikini Bottom do that to me next?]

This feeling reminded him more of the man whom his discovery came from.

Out of the blue, a small shadow was coming towards him. From what it looks like, it's a giant figure. SpongeBob started shaking in fear.

[Trophy: Eh, you supposedly enjoy being fucked in the ass so unless it's soneone with a weapon, be ready for SpongeBob to get gangbanged because that's what we all needed in life!]

[JCM: cliffhanger-o.gif

The good news is there are only two episodes of this left. The bad news is there are two more episodes of this left.]

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I only realized this after my riffs but I didnt get to mention the style of this that much. The fascinating thing about this is that even though he tries to be needlessly edgy and give details of sex and violence, it's all short and boring despite the subject matter being extremely horrific. I dont know how but there wasnt much to go over as he made this such a short slog to get through and more dull than anything else.

If I were to describe this it feels like a 12 year olds first fanfiction after learning what sex was from seeing their first M-rated movie with tons of sex and violence, and then they wanted to be edgy so they write this based off of a kids show. Not a 17 year old "future english teacher's" best attempt at making fanfiction in their spare time to flex out their creative writing, which is what I assume he was trying to do.

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[align=center]Episode 5: The Shade Figure, Part I[/align]

[Steel: The episode where SpongeBob takes up figure drawing, perhaps?]

The giant figure slowly approached SpongeBob around a slightly-lit corner, which scared him tremendously. SpongeBob, now hiding inside a cardboard box he had found near a dumpster in the dark alley, shivered with shakes down to the very core of his soul.

[JCM: You should probably see a doctor about that.]

[Steel: Now he already knows how Squidward would've felt.image.thumb.jpeg.44101e8b6dff5065e86569cbe0682892.jpeg]

The blizzard winds blew violently through his pores reminding him of the events that had happened that day.

[Steel: Does the weather get this harsh whenever SpongeBob feels so down?]

"S-s-stay away from me!" SpongeBob screamed with all of his might.

[Hayden: tumblr_ogy1weBnOi1tsfx8ro1_400.gif ]

[JCM: I doubt the telling the random blizzard that wasn't mentioned once before this episode and clearly only exists as a plot device to go away will do much.]

And with a swoosh of the wind, the dark figure came out of the shadows and into the light, taking SpongeBob by surprise.

[Steel: Oh so this is "The Shade Figure" that this story is trying to tell me about. ...The mysterious man/woman. The shadowy figure. He/She who lurks in the shadows. The unknown. The Shade Figure. Cool name, cool name.]

It was merely a household pet: a snail! This snail had came to the dark alley to get to its home, which SpongeBob had taken. The snail was very shy, but it wanted to meet SpongeBob.

[Steel: I don't remember this being how SpongeBob and Gary met.]

[JCM: Stealing an animal's habitat will make you more likely to get bitten than make that animal want to be friends with you.]

[Hayden: That's right, we're throwing the origin story of how Spongebob and Gary met into a show about Spongebob's dark sexual past. No tonal clash here. Also you can't call it a giant figure and then pull that.]

"Meoooow!" The snail said.

SpongeBob couldn't help but smile. This had been the first ray of sunshine he had the entire day. "You're so cute!" The snail felt brave

[Hayden: You'd have to be brave to approach what is basically MDPP in a Spongebob mask.]

and went to him, and he started to purr with delight.

[Steel: I'd never thought I'd say this, but...Congrats, you have just given us the very first pleasant moment from this entire story.]

SpongeBob couldn't help himself but felt joy within himself. "Maybe this world isn't so bad," SpongeBob muttered to himself. "Do you need some food?"

[Steel: And then the snail got shot. What I've learned from the first four chapters is that this story just loves to throw in some depressing or disturbing scenes for a dramatic effect, but I shouldn't jump to conclusions...]

[JCM: The snail gets shot then raped then shot again for maximum edginess.]

[Hayden: "Spongebob couldn't help himself" Just don't have sex with the snail please. I don't want to know what people in Kentucky do with animals.]

The snail gave him a glare and its stomach gurgled loudly. "Meoooow." The snail was starving. SpongeBob, looking at his half-eaten can of soup, decided to give it some of the can. "I know it's not much, but it's all that I have. We'll just eat like this together." SpongeBob sighed, glared at the sky, and felt some relief.

[JCM: And just like that, it stopped snowing...]

"God, if you're watching me now, please help," SpongeBob whispered into the sky. "I've become indigent

[Hayden: Big-Words-Confuse-Me-Cosmo-On-Fairly-Odd]

, a poor person hiding in the deep shadows of Bikini Bottom. And I've lost everything, including my own identity!

[Hayden: Just look in that dumpster for your name tag.]

Please, help-" SpongeBob began to cry as he said his prayer, and the sky started raining onto Bikini Bottom.

[Steel: f]

A roar of the sky accompanied with a bright flash began to illuminate the sky, and then a flicker frightened the freaky ghouls of the alleys.

[Pretentiousness Translator 5000: Thunder Go Boom Boom.]

[JCM: I wish my alleys had freaky ghouls.]

Out of no where,

[JCM: No where, yes where, Wario Ware.]

a lightning bolt struck in front of SpongeBob and the snail.

[Steel: Yep, I know this story too well. What were the odds?]

The sparks from the lightning bolt sparked up a dense fog, enough to make both of them cough with disgust.

[Hayden: I hate when a bolt of lightning gets my allergies worked up.]

Out of the fog came a hooded figure, a figure as scary as death himself.

[Grim Reaper: What did I do?]

[Steel: So...is that the so-called Shade Man?]

SpongeBob started trembling at the sight: it was death!

[Steel: Once again, what were the freaking odds of that?]

The figure had a large black cloak that scuffed on the pavement, its face remained too dark to establish, a head that ended in a point at the top, a white foggy glow, and a grim presence.

[JCM: But does he play unfitting music?]

With a deep voice, the shade figure

[Steel: Knew it, but come on, you can't just not call him a "shadowy figure."]

announced, "SpongeBob SquarePants, I come from the deep depths of Hell to make a deal with you. An eye for an eye, an arm for an arm. A deal."

[Steel: Welp, we've now stumbled upon the plot point where SpongeBob has to make a deal...with Death himself....

...Can this please end, now?]

[Hayden: How many appendages do you need to permanently kill MDPP's writing dreams?]

"What?" SpongeBob asked confusingly.

[Grim Reaper: SpongeBob SquarePants, I come from the deep depths of Hell to make a deal with you! An eye for an eye, an arm for an arm! A deal!]

The shade figure just smiled and said, "The darkness is upon us."

[Steel: Is this guy the devil or is he from Organization XIII?]

"I'm so confused," SpongeBob says. "I lost my job, I was forced to be taken to 'The Jig' only to be forced into sex with a young teenager,

[Hayden: This...this is deliberate. This foreshadowing can't be a natural coincidence. This is what MDPP wanted for himself and his fiction tells us that. A therapist should've caught up to him 5 years ago.]

and then get raped by some giant... and now this! What the heck is going on?"

[Steel: I ask myself the same question about what's going on this story every single time I think about it.]

SpongeBob began to shake, quivered, then managed to mutter, "Who a-are you?"

The shade figured laughed and took off his hood to reveal himself as a pink starfish. "I am Patrick the Shade Figure, Destroyer of Darkness.

[JCM: um wat]

[Steel: Original Character. Do not steal.]

A prophecy foretells that a yellow homosexual sponge will save the world.

[Hayden: You found the wrong guy then.]

That would be you, SpongeBob."

[JCM: um wat]

[Steel: Ah, bull, BULL! This spin-off had to throw in a thinly veiled outline for its Chosen One cliche?! Move along out of here, fellas.]

[MDPPBob: tumblr_n5t2d8tffG1qfj9hdo2_r1_400.gif]

A bright lightening bolt flashed again behind Patrick, and SpongeBob was just stunned by what he was seeing.

[align=right]To be continued...[/align]

[JCM: um wat]

[Steel: I'd rather not continue, but I must. Only one chapter left...let's see if it goes down or if it's even more a slight improvement to the first four chapters...]

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[align=center]Episode 6: The Shade Figure, Part II[/align]

[JCM: We're finally at the last episode, and to help me take it apart is our biggest riffing crew yet! God knows I'll need the help.]

[Steel: This is Steel, reporting live from a temporary computer (actually a laptop), and I just wanted to say that I'm glad to see that I'm at the very final stretch of this wretched spin-off.]

SpongeBob couldn't believe his eyes; his emotions were in an everlasting turmoil.

[Wumbo: After reading this shit, I can relate.]

All he could do was look at the shade figure, curious with his powerful mystique.

"SpongeBob, your destiny is of far lengths. Your bankruptcy and your job with 'The Jig' was part of destiny to get you to this very spot. You're the chosen one, SpongeBob.

[Steel: And that is still a load of crock. Hey Patrick, or shade figure, as I should apparently be calling you, aren't there a lot of other miserable fish out there in the sea that could use your help in becoming destined?] 

[Wumbo: "Me saying the same thing three times is also part of your destiny. Destiny destiny destiny. Beetlejuice!"]

Your mission is to go and rid the plague of the demon that lurks within 'The Jig'." Patrick gave a smirk, and continued. "The man which you had... er... sex with...

[Wumbo: Rape =/= sex, but you know, they say you gotta write what you know.]

[Steel: I'm pretty sure that man would rather be referred to as the man who raped SpongeBob.]

his name is unknown,

[Steel: But aren't you a super-powered being? Couldn't you just B.S your way into figuring out the identity of the so-called man? That would save a lot of trouble.]

but he's the demon that walks upon Bikini Bottom. He opens up to you, meaning you can stop him!"

[Hayden: Only a homosexual can manipulate a gay male's feelings. 

]

[JCM: I don't think letting demons sodomize you is an effective way to stop them.]

Now looking at his feet, SpongeBob was trying to process what Patrick was telling him.

[Steel: But SpongeBob forgot what Patrick was rambling on about because he was thinking about his shoes.]

All of the events from earlier, from his bankruptcy to this moment, has left him in despair. He was broke, forced into doing things he didn't want to do.

[Wumbo: For example, he was forced into reading SpongeBob's Host.]

What was he supposed to do?

[Steel: NOTHING! Nothing besides not doing whatever some untrustworthy randos tell him to do and find a better job opportunity.]

The cold ocean swayed to and from his pores, sending chills to his soul.

[JCM: Seriously, man, see a doctor.]

[Wumbo: I don't think this is how oceans, pores, or writing works.]

The moon, now full, reflected off his face.

[Steel: As the moon shone on his body, SpongeBob could see, with his own eyes, a suit of armor forming around him, making him a Moon- oh wait, wrong spin-off.]

[Hayden: a48.jpg]

Feeling like he had no other choice, SpongeBob said, "I'll do whatever you say. What am I supposed to do?"

Patrick smiled. "What else do you think? You've got to get into the mind of the man.

 [Steel: I don't think SpongeBob would want to know what goes on inside of that man's mind.]

But I must admonish: be care with him.

[JCM: I didn't know he was into bee care.]

[Wumbo: Looks like the writer should have been more care with proofreading.]

If you're not careful,

[Steel: But you said he should "be care with him," har-dee-har.]

he will enter your body like a parasite.

[Hayden: When did this become some weird sci-fi horror movie? I guess MDPP didn't consider the rape itself repulsive enough.]

In order to help you prevent that form happening,

[Wumbo: "I wonder why I can't become an English teacher! Must be the damned feminazis."]

[Steel: "...In order to help you prevent that form happening." ...So that man has a one-winged angel it seems.]

I'm going to help you become irresistibly attractive. I doubt he'll hurt a catch."

[Wumbo: Jesus Fucking Christ]

[Steel: Or, you know...you could have SpongeBob just kill him...unless that man is actually a legitimate demon who can't be killed through normal means. I wouldn't know because this spin-off doesn't completely acknowledge that.]

With his mighty power, Patrick held both of his arms straight out of his sides,

[Steel: And then he blew up. So, then poor SpongeBob continued to live his sad, miserable life without fulfilling his destiny as the 'Chosen One.']

and muttered a spell. "Subinimmoh tse muroced SpongeBob!"

[JCM: Gesundheit.]

[Steel: Hogwarts shuns you for your poor attempt of writing a magic spell.]

Blue flames came out of his hands, which startled SpongeBob.

[Steel: He's just surprised that someone can make fire in underwater.]

Then, with a swoosh, Patrick threw the flames at him.

[Steel: Well, that took an unusual turn.]

SpongeBob immediately started transforming. His eyes went from normal to large, his nose blew up like a balloon, his eyelashes shot out of his eyes, his cheeks naturally started blushing, his voice got higher, and his hands became smaller.

[JCM: So he became Donald Trump?]

For SpongeBob, it was like going through puberty all over again, but this time was backwards.

[Steel: ...

...End this.

End this now.]

[Wumbo: They say that the top signs of puberty are shrinking noses, pale cheeks, and eyelashes being shot into your eyes.]

[Hayden: Ah yes, the fascination with puberty. Steven probably wants to go through it again and hope he gets it right this time.]

The ocean felt different to SpongeBob. Everything to him was in a new light: the ocean, instead of sorrow in feeling, felt pink -- unmistakably pink.

[Wumbo: This is a metaphor, or something.]

Everything felt like a color.

[Steel: In other words, SpongeBob is on drugs.]

Patrick felt like blue, the moon felt black, Gary felt purple, and SpongeBob himself felt white.

[Steel: White guilt.]

[Wumbo: SpongeBob felt an irresistible urge to eat Lunchables.]

[Hayden: When does the craving for Lunchables begin?]

SpongeBob felt a bitter taste in his mouth: the taste of sugar.

[Wumbo: how the fuck do you not know what sugar tastes like how dumb are you]

"Now for the finishing touches. Satidnuciu cih oge!" Patrick muttered again,

[JCM: get yoself some tissues]

[Steel: I could probably decode whatever magic spells Patrick is uttering through Google Translate...but I don't think I'd feel comfortable doing that.]

with his hands turning orange this time. He threw the orange flames towards SpongeBob, then clapped his hands. "All done!" He exclaimed.

"I feel really gay now," Spongebob said.

[Hayden: James+is+a+better+pokemon+trainer+than+a ]

[Wumbo: So this is... reverse conversion therapy?]

[Steel: I don't think turning SpongeBob into jailbait is the way to make him feel or look 'gay.']

"You're supposed to. You know SpongeBob, it's time that you accepted your sexuality. Might as well be gay." Patrick gave a smirk. "I should know."

[Steel: Yes, because you can "definitely" determine someone else's sexuality by deciding what it is.]

[JCM: I decided that I'm sexually attracted to fruit a long time ago.]

[Hayden: I'm still trying to get past the confusion of why everything is suddenly a color, not all of those colors are part of the LGBT flag so what the hell is the intention?]

SpongeBob's eyes widened. "Do you mean?"

"I'm sorry -- I misled you. I'm not gay, I'm actually asexual. I can't feel love.

[Wumbo: that's not what asexual means you fucking clod]

[Steel: 'Asexual' means having no romantic interests, moron.]

[JCM: The definition of asexuality is contrary to the one that you've put forth, you sodden-witted lord!]

You see, I'm a shade figure, which means I don't really exist. I'm nothing more than a shadow."

[Steel: If Patrick "doesn't exist," then he should just be a figment of SpongeBob's imagination. Is this story actually trying to convince me that SpongeBob is actually on drugs?]

[Hayden: "I can't feel love". "I don't really exist". 704577cd7953153890860ad3dbeeab3f.jpg]

SpongeBob looked down at his shoes once more, which felt purple.

[Wumbo: THIS IS NOT A SUBSTITUTE FOR ACTUAL DESCRIPTION STOP WRITING LIKE THIS HOLY FUCKING SHIT]

[SpongeBob's shoes: I love being purple!]

"Cheer up, SpongeBob. It's not like it's the end of the world." Patrick grunted. "You know, it's better to love than to never feel it at all."

[Hayden: What is he trying to justify here? That if you're homosexual you can at least still say you aren't an asexual freak? One group needs to be kicked down still? Fuck off.]

SpongeBob looked up at Patrick with gleams in his eyes. For the first time that day, he actually smiled.

[Wumbo: One more time than I smiled riffing this. Lucky.]

[Steel: And it's the only time that we get to see him smile in this spin-off.]

"Now, I want you to go to sleep. I will come back whenever I can, but for now, I want you to keep going back to 'The Jig'. I want you to go and see what you can find about the man. Once you do, I'll tell you what to do from there."

Another lightning bolt struck the ground, and SpongeBob was out cold.

[Hayden: Oh, now lightning causes fainting too. So many non-fatal side effects.]

[Wumbo: Again, if only I could get so lucky. Flush this and any memory of its author down the toilet where it belongs.]

[Steel: And he never got to come back to 'The Jig' to settle the score because he died after getting struck by lightning, the end. Yeesh, that's a pretty grim way to leave a spin-off dead, huh? Even if the discontinuation of the spin-off prevented it from getting any worse, that doesn't stop it from being the worst thing I've ever read on this website. There, I said it.

This was an absolutely frustrating read from beginning to end. What's amusing about this spin-off is that even way back when, I never liked it. Most of us feel dumb now for giving it positive reception during those times, but if I had the gall to, I would've given this spin-off a lukewarm review, and maybe then MDPP would've tried to improve it. Maybe then, I would've warmed up to it as well, but here I am now, declaring it as the worst piece of written literature on SBC that I've ever read so far, and no matter what else that's bad in the Spin-Offs/Lits archive I come across, I don't think they can top this. I thought it would be impossible to put on a lock on any particular work, that would even include one of my own for the title of 'the worst,' but I finally discovered the best possible contender.

The writing has a laundry list of problems, and I don't think i can get through ALL of them. To sum up the writing, it's basically the quality of Bikini Top and Down Under combined, but with barely any salvageable moments and with slightly more, occasional grammar mistakes. While those two spin-offs tried so hard to be deep. meaningful, and such, SpongeBob's Host tries way too hard to sell its drama, making a good chunk of its moments edgy for just about all the wrong reasons. Some of the story's plot elements don't normally suffer from being harsher in hindsight after MDPP's real life scandal, some of the particular scenes are just flat out morbid.

The scenes with SpongeBob being forced to work at a strip club, him having sex with a 15 year old whale, and him getting straight-up raped by an unknown man, two of which were there to try and create a dramatic effect, were red flag warnings of the spin-off getting too obscene for its own good. The apparent final segment with Patrick turning SpongeBob into jailbait was the final nail in its coffin.

Second of all, it's very, very melodramatic. The first four episodes are basically the story tossing in some of the most depressing and dramatic scenarios imaginable, in a way that they can be summed up like this: Oh no! SpongeBob is broke and homeless! Oh no! SpongeBob got laid off from his job! Oh no! SpongeBob has to work at a strip club! Oh no! SpongeBob could suffer a horrible fate if he gets a girl pregnant! Oh no! SpongeBob got raped by a complete stranger! That's just scratching the surface.

Third, the characterization hardly makes its cast feel authentically human. In this story, SpongeBob is nearly nothing more than a miserable sadsack. Patrick, for unknown reasons, is a 'shade figure' with little to no emotion to give. Pearl obliges to prostitution with no background beyond that. I know this story barely got its start, but during its run, little time was spent on developing these characters still. Oh, and I should also mention that there is one particular problem that I have with SpongeBob's characterization, which is his lack of common sense. If he feels forced to be in those situations he faced, he shouldn't have stayed in them. The pain that SpongeBob suffers through in 'The Jig' all could've been prevented if he ultimately decides that he shouldn't be in a place that makes him completely uncomfortable, even if it's a place where he could land a job.

Fourth, the romantic scenes are not, I repeat, not sexy, nor did the author have a good grasp on how one's sexuality is determined at the time of this writing. SpongeBob, after having unwanted sex with an unknown man, that ends in pleasure, is automatically billed as gay, even though he has had sexual pleasure with Pearl and that somehow doesn't question if he's actually bisexual.

Fifth, we're supposed to buy this as some sort of prequel to "Help Wanted," which is the pilot episode of the series, while also being absolutely distant from the spin-off's tone and atmosphere. Throughout the entire spin-off, it goes absolutely nowhere with its concept, as it focused mainly on giving the story depth and some unnecessary TV-MA rated edge.

That particular problem with the spin-off above brings me to the last and certainly most discerning detail I got from it: it doesn't follow any specific direction towards its concept. As I've said before, this spin-off likes to throw in sorts of needless drama into its plot, but when it gets to the fifth episode does it experience a shift in style by introducing Patrick as a supernatural being who claims SpongeBob to be the chosen one who is destined to rid the world of evil. That's the point where I feel like MDPP was trying so hard to make this spin-off as dark, deep, and meaningful as possible.

MDPP was merely 18 at the time that he wrote this spin-off and while I don't know if he rediscovered it and feels personally ashamed of it, I don't think it's safe to say that he's a talentless hack at that very point (but I have a feeling that some of you would be willing to do that honor of calling him as such). One thing's for sure, he still wrote the worst thing I've ever read from this website's archive of stories. If you still think Eddsworld Meets SpongeBob is still the worst, I have just one question to ask: which surprises you more?: a poorly written spin-off from someone with little prior experience in writing or a poorly written spin-off from someone who was 18 at the time and just so happened to be a major in English literature? Heck, I even found some new respect for my biggest shame, Dark Side of the Herd, as it didn't have any very off-putting moments like SpongeBob's Host did.

If anything positive can be said about this spin-off, this is a solid enough example of a story that can pretty much educate every other fellow writer on SBC on how not to write one. To finally close out my thoughts on this god forsaken spin-off, I am inclined to drop just two more f-bombs because that's what it deserves:

Fuck this spin-off, and once again, fuck you MDPP. This is the sponge of steel signing out.]

[JCM: I was gonna go on a rant, but Steel seems to have covered that for me, so all I'm gonna say is my joy at this spin-off ending is stronger than my annoyance at it ending on a cliffhanger. 15 year old me, who was impressed by any writing that had big words, liked it a lot, but it's much easier for me to see its flaws now that I've taken a couple of college English classes and seen plenty of examples of good and bad writing with sesquipedalian prose. I can now say with the full authority of an English minor and sightly-more prolific reader than I was seven years ago that this is a poorly written spin-off. SpongeBob may not have expelled his demons, but I'm happy to say that I've expelled mine, and I'll be even happier if I never have to think about this spin-off again. Thank you to everyone who suffered through it with me, and sorry if you wanted to riff and didn't get to, but this may get revived in the future with something juicier (though probably not as bad, since even I have my limits). Until then, goodbye!]

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[JCM: Happy December, SBC! I've decided to ring in the new month by riffing one of SBC's most (in)famous lits, Full SBC! Fred and Renegade the Unicorn will be joining me in riffing this Zaidbomination.]

[Fred: Welp, 'tis the season to be riffing. And what better way to get back into the action than riffing a Zaid lit! This'll be fun! Or not, I have no idea. All I know is baby, it's cold outside in Florida and I've prepared some hot cocoa as well as some tasty riffs. Let's do it to it!]

[Renegade: Never thought my first new riff in a long while would be a Zaid lit. With how atrocious his spelling was already, I don't wanna imagine his way of writing.

...Oh, wait, I'm having to look at it.]

INTRO
(Episode 1 Teaser)

[Fred: Zaid, please don't tease me, that's not nice. :(]

[Renegade: Hey, if you're gonna tease me like that, Zaid, at least buy me dinner first!]

"whatever happened to the dignivility..,

[Fred: I still have yet to figure out what the hell that word even means. I searched it up on Google and all I got were results from SBC making fun of the theme song...]

[Renegade: ...OK.

1) What the fuck is this word?

2) You're trying to parody the Full House theme, right? Because I believe that started with the perfectly sensible line, "Whatever happened to predictability?". The fact that you have to MAKE SOMETHING UP TO REPLACE THE LAST WORD really shows the effort you put into this work, Zaid.]

milkmaidman, tvguy347, even Cha!

[JCM: Even Cha? Two members having the dignivility was a lot, but three blows my mind.]

[Fred: Making up a random word AND not even bothering to use a word that rhymes with it? Good job, ol' chap.]

[Renegade: Not only that, but it's not even with the meter of THE SONG YOU'RE TRYING TO PARODY! The next line is supposed to be, "the milkman, the paperboy, and evening TV?". It's meant to answer the question the opening line asked. The fact I'm having to analyze the Full House theme to show what you've done wrong so far really says something, doesn't it?]

everywhere you look just waiting around the bed...

[Fred: There's someone waiting around my bed? What for, some kind of orgy?]

[Renegade: ...Hopefully an orgy could make this fic actually interesting.]

Everywhere you look! everywhere you see! there is a member(chorus) there is a member...

[Fred: Everywhere I look, there's a member(chorus)? I guess we are having an orgy then. Come on everyone and join the Full SBC Sex Orgy!] 

[Renegade: YAAAAAA-oh, wait.]

and here a home i come to..

[JCM: Where the home you come to?]

Everywhere you look. Everywhere you see! there is a member(chorus) there is a member...

[Fred: I get it, dammit, people are watching me wherever I go. Get to the point.]

[Renegade: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!]

Everywhere you look everywhere you see (chorus) there is a member, of somebody who needs you!,

Everywhere you look. And we wont stop there when your all alone,

[JCM: When my all alone does what? And what aren't you stopping? The orgy?]

Life is waiting, to carry you hoooome... EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK!"

[Fred: You know, I could write a theme song like this. Listen to this.

Everywhere you look! Everywhere you see! There's a riffer(chorus) there's a riffer, who's pretty damn confused by this theme song!]

[Renegade: At least it's better than what we got.]

[Episode 1: Concert(PILOT)]

[Fred: I'd spend more of my time going to a concert rather than riffing an episode revolving around a concert.]

[Renegade: I'd rather be reading a better lit.]

*Zaid Plays a FPS and gets a call*

[Fred: FPS? Funny Picture Show? Fucking Poor Souls? EXPLAIN YOUR ACRONYMS, GOD DAMN IT!]

[Renegade: ...Did FPSes have anything to do with Full House? I think not. Already this story's a big fat lie. And besides, I understand script fics are hard to write. BUT YOU NEED MORE DETAIL THAN JUST THIS. Who's Zaid? What is he like? Where does he work? DETAILS!]

[JCM: Let me do it for him. Zaid is an SBC member who likes first person shooters and doesn't work because he's too busy playing first person shooters all day.]

Zaid: Yeah?

Cha: DUDE,

[JCM: YOU GOT IT]

Zaid: what.

[Cha: Dude, what would happen if you made a spin-off that parodied Full House yet have nothing to do with the show itself?]

[Fred: Also, ha, I just made you guys remember that Cartoon Network had live-action shows.]

 [Renegade: DAMMIT, FRED! DON'T REMIND ME OF DIET JACKASS!]

Cha: We are late for Squidward's Concert!

[JCM: So this is apparently a universe where Squidward exists, is successful enough to play concerts, but not successful enough to have people who can come up with a better name for the concert than "Squidward's Concert".]

[Fred: Squidward's Concert is my favorite movie. Along with its sequel, "Squidward's Concert 2: Zaid Needs to Stop Capitalizing Unnecessary Words".]

Zaid: i thought it got canceled.

[Fred: That's a good way to describe this show. Cancelled. Mercifully cancelled.]

Cha: no it didnt.

[JCM: i thought that was a contraction]

[Cha: no it isnt]

Zaid: Alright, im comming.

[Fred: And now, it's an episode where Zaid turns into a communist. Man, this show changes its plot points constantly.]

[Renegade: And Zaid's writing is worse than I thought. You Either Capitalize Every Word Like This, or you write every word without capitalization or punctuation like this

What I wanna know is, what does any of this have to do with FULL FUCKING HOUSE?!]

[JCM: Don't be so hard on Zaid. He obviously meant to spell it as "cumming" because he was so excited Squidward's Concert wasn't cancelled.]

*Zaid Turns off the game and walks to his Camry*

[Renegade: For a second, I misread that last word as a misspelled "Camera". With how this writing is, I could've been right.]

*Zaid turns on the radio and Tunes to C98.5(CNF's Radio Station)*

[Fred: Wow, in this universe, CNF owns his own radio station? Only in Zaidland, I guess.]

CNF: And Your listening to C98.5 with Anime's Classic Hits, Here is a song you could remember from Sailor Moon!

[Fred: And it's a station that plays songs from animes? Wow, Zaidland has everything!]

[JCM: I'd rather listen to KRUD with its personal "you won't get away with stealing my car" hits.]

*CNF Plays the Sailor Moon Theme song on the radio*

[Renegade: OH MY GOSH, I LOVE THIS SONG! 

"Fighting evil by moonlight,

winning love by daylight,

never running from a real fight!

She is the ONE NAMED SAILOR MOON!"

*coughs* Sorry, I meant, because that's all CNF's known for, tight Zaid? Obsessing over Sailor Moon.]

Zaid: oh great. Traffic. *sighs*

[Announcer: Zaid has to get to his favorite concert in time but has to deal with traffic as well. Will he ever make it through the traffic and make it to the concert? Find out..........after this commercial break.]

*Commercial Break Begins*

[JCM:

 

]

[Fred: Sponsored by the Institute for Bad Grammar and Inconsistent Writing. Save a poor and neglected keyboard today.]

*after the Break*

Zaid: When is this going to EN- oh. it ended.

[Fred: What ended? The concert? The traffic? The commercial break? What is this "it" you speak of?]

[JCM: Stephen King's It, obviously.]

[Renegade: Nice attempt at fourth wall humor, Zaidpool. Too bad you suck at it.]

*Zaid gets to the concert as people start to leave,

[JCM: Oh, well. At least it's isn't raining.]

it is really raining.*

[JCM: f]

Zaid: Dang it! i missed it.

[Fred: Don't worry, Zaid. You can always see the next show in another episoBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA]

[Renegade: So, in short this episode had no point.]

*Zaid Drives Home*

[JCM: Coincidentally the name of the long lost second episode. Even got the capitalization to boot.]

*Credits Play*

[Fred: And.................that's it? That's the whole episode? That was an episode? That was supposed to be a parody of Full House? Because to me, it feels less like an episode of Full House and more like some dumb Robot Chicken sketch. Literally nothing of interest happens in this "episode". Cha tells Zaid about a concert, Zaid gets stuck in traffic, he unfortunately misses the concert, and..........that's it. That's the whole goddamn episode summarized in three points.

 

Say what you want about Eddsworld Meets SpongeBob. That spin-off well deserves the shit it gets but it has more plot than this show--nay, this episode--nay, this short. The conflict isn't big and the humor is nonexistent, it's just so goddamn pointless. It's a big piece of nothing and all I have to say about it is nothing. Absolutely nothing. I guess the next thing left to do is worry about the next project. It's pretty bad. It's pretty horrible. Some might even say it's...............crazy.

 

Be afraid, viewers. Very. Very. Afraid.]

[Renegade: I think Fred just took the words right out of my mouth. Zaid...you are not a good writer. Just stop while you're ahead.]

[JCM: Well, that was even worse than I expected. My only solace is in the fact that I get to take another four month break after thi-

How could we ever predict the dignivility? 

wtf

The milkman and the paperboy trying to kill meeeee! 

Oh, no. God, no.

How did I get to living here? 

Somebody tell me please! 

This new show’s confusing me 

In case you haven't figured it out, we're riffing Crazy Celes next, which ironically starts of mocking Full SBC with lyrics that are only slightly more coherent. We'll be starting off with the Land Before TimePilot Before Pilot, so post here or message me if you want to help, because we'll need as many hands on deck as possible for this thing. See y'all soon!]

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[JCM: Welcome back to Riffing Theater! No, not that one, the other one. No, not that one, the other one. The lit we'll be riffing this time is by an author whose best-known and most controversial work wasn't a spin-off or a lit, but a 14-page 19-page really long document, a document that has already been riffed and wasn't even his first work to get riffed. That honor goes to SBC: Investigation & Prosecution, and if you haven't read that lit, you're a happier man than I am.  When it comes to Metalfics, third time's the charm, and while I'm sure Metal didn't expect this to be his final lit, it basically is, so I'll be looking at it not just as a poorly written, incoherent literature but as the swan song of the author of much poorly written, incoherent literature,

Rated H for Honest]

[Fred: Okay, finally have a break from all my jobs, now it's time for me to riff a literature by the "literature god" (I don't know if anyone really calls him that but whatevs) himself, Metal Snake. A man who takes spin-offs and lits too seriously. A man who says what should and should not happen in a spin-off or lit. A man who somehow has the time to write long paragraphs addressing the problems of every shitty line and every shitty moment in said spin-off or lit, resulting in the others having nothing else left to comment on. A man who stole one of my riffs. Yeah, true story. Back in the days when we were riffing Down Under, I made a riff questioning three illogical events that happened in the episode we were riffing. I didn't see any lick of Metal Snake or Luke in the story. After the riffs was posted to the general public, what did I see, you may ask? The same exact thing I said.........in paragraph form. I still have the image of it somewhere in my computer...

y1LDhUI.png

Yep, he made the exact same points I did. And worst of all, he got the SpongeOddFan Approval™ for it. I know this can happen sometimes every once in a blue moon. I admit that I send my riffs usually later than others so something like this is bound to happen. But I thought I was the one who sent in my riffs before he did. I was above him as you can see in the picture. It felt like my riffs aren't any good because I'm not a member who watches "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" and writes long essays in my riffs (which, ironically, I'm doing right now, I should just get to the point). But now I get the chance to. I'm still knighted. He's not. I'm not banned. He is. I AM GOING TO BE THE KING OF RIFFING THEATER NOW! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

.....okay, I think I'm done tearing this a new asshole. Now it's time to tear this literature a new asshole! Here I go! I'm really gonna do it! I'm gonna riff Crazy Celes and make it through. Obviously I'm not gonna riff every episode like Renegade is. I'm not that brave. But I'm still brave enough to get through the ones I selected.

At least, I hope so. If not, I'll just beg on my knees for us to riff Full SBC again. At least that one was fun.]

[SOF: Hello everyone, I know what you’re thinking,  what am I even doing on JRT (jcm’s riffing theater)? Well, I decided to help riff this with JCM. This is the first time I’m riffing in a long time since Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000 ended, so what better way to kick off 2019 than with this interesting lit that jcm wanted to riff?

I think we know where this is going…Crazy Celes.

Earlier this year,  Metal Snake decide to parody every single bad SO/Lits fic into one giant parody with his own thing. Sadly by the middle of May, things didn’t go well as it turned into a clusterfuck mess, so he abruptly ended it before Metalgate happened.

I’m decide to take this riff with a challenge: to riff the entirety of Crazy Celes…yes, you read this correctly, I had done this – twice; SBC I&P and SBC Soap Opera. If JCM & Ren can survive the entire CC series, so am I.

Let’s see how can we get through starting the first episode or I shall say “before the pliot” as MS liked to call it. Here we go, folks.]

Episode 1: Pilot Before Pilot

[MS' ghost: Hidden power, secrets, cover-ups, corruption. You think you know the whole story about SBC? Think again. I've been a Cashier, a Lunchables Navy SEAL, and, well...permabanned, but alas I've made contact beyond the grave as soon as I realized that my masterpiece was being riffed. I've heard things that will BLOW YOUR MIND. And now I think it's time that you get the whole story. I'm Metal Snake Ventura and this is Crazy Celes.]

[Fred: What about the pilot after the pilot? I'd like to see that guy, I must admit.]

[Renegade: OK. so I get that this title was meant to be a piss-take at Fa's "Misunderstood Life of DoodleBob", but given how Metal Snake's writing seems to be a combination of Evangelion-esque kudzu plots done poorly, obsessions with mysticism, and equally poorly-done Frank Zappa style in-jokes, this just comes across as absolutely lazy.]

[SOF: Wait, what does this title even mean? Is this like a prologue?]

The sun was shining on a bright and sunny day.

[Fred: And then it started with an earthquake. Birds and snakes and airplanes! Lenny Bruce is not afraid!

 

Sorry about the sudden R.E.M. quote, I've been listening to them a lot lately. Let's move on, shall we?]

[Steel: Nothing says a solid start to a meta fic quite like redundancy.]

[Renegade: No introduction, no explanation of who these characters are, just dropping straight into the action with the most cliched, undescriptive sentence ever.]

[SOF: Yeah, it’s not like you started with an ATTWL 3 description, lad.]

“The police are onto me!” a woman who was dressed in a blue pilot’s uniform and sounded like a man pretending to be a woman yelled as she turned off the radio on the plane she was piloting, which had apparently just informed her about the weather.

[Steel: I, Steel Sponge, a sponge made out of steel who looks like a stainless steel sponge but is just an ordinary sea sponge, is confused by your wordplay.]

Fred: Holy fuck, you're going too fast, I just started, please slow the hell down. That sentence was so long-ass that I had to read it over and over again just to comprehend the story. Why was it necessary to include the fact that she sounds like a transvestite? While you're at it, why don't you tell us that she was voiced by Trey Parker, who co-created the 1997 animated hit TV show on Comedy Central, South Park, with Matt Stone? It would sure make your essay of a sentence longer, I'll tell you that.]

[Renegade: ...Aaaand first strike. We get no context, just surreal, nonsensical humor that only someone like MS would find hilarious. Ohhhh, it gets worse.]

[SOF: So wait, a man pretended to be a women pretending to be a pilot? Yeah, that’s like a double pilot.]

“What was that?” a passenger behind her asked.

[Steel: That's a question that I'm probably going to be consistently asking myself throughout this Lit.]

[JCM: You forgot your mayonnaise.]

[SOF: Oh nothing. Just MS trying to sound like he’s writing a parody of your work.]

“Me screaming!” the woman, who had her face partially obscured by her pilot’s cap, retorted as she turned to the interrogator behind her. “What did you think it was, me whispering?!”

[Fred: YES, I THOUGHT YOU WERE WHISPERING! NOW BE QUIET AND GET ME MY DAMN PEANUTS, WOMAN!]

[Renegade: Another pitfall of this "humor" is that it tries to explain the joke...and this is why said trope is never funny: JOKES AREN'T HUMOROUS WHEN YOU HAVE TO FUCKING EXPLAIN THEM!]

[SOF: knowing MS’s writing style is good, but the way he worded it is bit too much to me like a lot for description…yeah even we’re starting off this riff is tough to riff, trust me we had done this before (Down Under etc)]

A guy behind the woman began to laugh.

[JCM: That's more laughing than I've done so far.]

“Did I say something funny, mister?!” the woman hollered angrily.

[SOF: idk man I guess the fact you’re yelling over the dialogue]

[Steel: I didn't find the joke that MS wrote for you to be so funny, so...]

“...Yyyeeesss.” the guy, who was revealed to be Elastic Dog, said like Stewie Griffin would.

[Fred: Imagine this being an actual cartoon. Trey Parker and Seth MacFarlane in the same studio voicing characters on this show. That collaboration alone would be the most interesting and best part of this show.]

[Renegade: Great "nod" to RRR. It's only reminding me I could be reading something actually funny and well-written.]

[SOF:…..Elastic, you ok dude?]

“Oh, well thank you for the compliment.” the woman replied, having abruptly become calm.

[JCM: That's the best I've ever seen a woman take being told she sounds funny.]

[Steel: *distorted canned laughter*]

[Fred: Well, if you're gonna thank me for just complimenting your show then I take it back.]

[Renegade: FUCK, I HATE SURREAL HUMOR FOR THE SAKE OF BEING SURREAL! THIS SHIT HAS NO SETUP! WHAT IS THE JOKE HERE?!]

“Be careful,” she warned the audience, turning to face them, breaking the fourth wall, “I am known to mood swing for the sake of the plot! But what is the plot, you might ask? Let’s go to IMDb for the answer!”

[Steel: And while we are there, I'm going to give this Literature a low rating and a negative review.]

[Fred: I am awaiting the pilot's reaction when she finds out the episode and the series has a 0/10 rating on IMDb.]

[Renegade: >as if your stupid-ass shit is important enough for IMDB.

Luke, your ego is showing.]

[SOF: I don’t see how this point in making a 4th wall joke especially in this parody was relevant.]

“This was the plot listed for the episode, “Pilot Before Pilot”, of the series, “Rusty’s Raping Rampage Rip-Off”, on IMDb, and it reads as follows!” a guy on a Youtube channel notorious for regurgitating internet news articles exclaimed, as it was revealed that this was what was being shown to the passengers for entertainment.

[Steel: Ah yes, give me more of these excessive descriptions.]

[Fred: Entertainment? This feels more like torture. In fact, watching this would make terrorists hijacking the plane into the World Trade Center the best thing to have ever happen on a plane in comparison.]

[Renegade: Would this guy happen to be Alex Jones? Or possibly even Metal Snake himself?

...See, fic, I can do "potshot" humor too.]

[SOF: Hooray for self-awareness, now can we get to the like ACTUAL plot?]

“On a quest to bring new, original, family-friendly, and advertiser-friendly fun to the internet,

[JCM: Hi, I'm one of your advertisers, and I want my money back.]

[Steel: Excuse me, but isn't this the IMDb description for OAXIS?]

an insane demon god flies users from The Spongebob Community to America,

[Steel: Except for those who are already American.]

[JCM: Which America? North America? South America? America Ferrera? Because ngl I wouldn't mind being flown to America Ferrera.]

where there will be no escape, and, as IMDb puts it, NO REFUNDS after she crashes the plane into the Twin Towers!”

[Steel: FUNNY NINE ELEVEN JOKe]

[SOF: ok first of all, self-awareness. Thank you very much.

Secondly, why did you throw 9/11 jokes…that deep, man.]

the guy continued reporting to all of the people behind the woman, who were revealed to be passengers on a plane. “And there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! IMDb is now advertising anti-consumerist practices as some sort of joke!”

[JCM: Still a funnier joke than any in this lit so far.]

[Fred: Okay, this just in: September 11th is no longer the worst thing to have ever happened on a plane. Whatever date this episode was posted on is.]

[Renegade: Oh, joy, taking potshots at YouTube and trying to regurgitate "edgy" 9/11 jokes for the sake of it, as well as unabashed support of consumerism, which is supposed to be funny!]

“Thanks for the information that I couldn’t have just looked up myself, bro!” one of the passengers who was revealed to be Jjs exclaimed, quoting the Jesus meme. “God, why is Youtube content such garbage these days?”

[SOF: God, why’s this spin-off parody such garbage?]

[Steel: Well, he made himself a better excuse than I did to get all these members all together, but don't think that I'm not going to be as harsh towards this Lit like I was towards DSOTH.]

[Renegade: OH BOI, OUTDATED MEME HUMOR! SURELY THIS WON'T DATE THIS LIT AT ALLLL AND SHOW HOW r/fellowkids MS IS!]

“Thank jesus for h3h3” SOF chimed in.

[Jesus: Hey now, don't drag me into this lit, SpongeOddFan!]

[SOF:….may I remind you readers that I didn’t want to view h3h3 on yt, but it seems like MS disliked this channel. However, I actually got tired of him during 2017 or 2018 which is why I regret saying it, and of course he just have to put it in there for me to act like I’m Yes Man.]

“h3h3: bad channel” President Squidward threw in his two cents.

[SOF: Okay, I feel like we’re into a conversation on yt, but you got me there.]

“Please,” said Clappy, “you haven’t seen real garbage on Youtube until you’ve seen Jake and Logan Paul. Who here hasn’t heard by now about that scumbag Logan making fun of a suicide victim?”

[JCM: Nobody. Literally nobody.]

[Steel: i get it, the joke here is that they're sharing their honest opinions]

[Fred: No, but I have heard about this one guy named Luke who made this godawful literature I'm riffing right now. Hey look at me, I'm breaking the fourth wall!]

[SOF: yeah I think 2018 basically started off with fucking bad joke jfc]

“Who here hasn’t heard the ricegum diss track” Aquatic Nuggets said.

[JCM: Everybody. Literally everybody.]

As Metal Snake listened to the SBC members talking amongst themselves about Youtube, he wondered to himself…

[Steel: GOTTA MAKE METAL SNAKE LOOK SMART]

[Metal Snake: Hmm, will this show ever be riffed after I get banned?]

[SOF: ah yes, our “hero”, everyone.]

“Hmm...should I bring up iDubbbz’s latest Content Cop or should I not...should I bring up iDubbbz or should I not…”

[SOF: that’s like “should I riff this or shouldn’t I”]

[MS' actual mind: Wow, look at all these idiots that aren't me.]

[Renegade: Again, what does bringing up then-relevant topics have to do with the nonexistent plot aside from padding?]

[JCM: To b...ring up iDubbbz or not to b,,,ring up iDubbbz. That is the question.

The answer is no. Nobody cares.]

And as Metal Snake continued to think to himself, the camera began to zoom out ominously...as the cameraman walked back to the pilot room to be courteous to the waiter who was also a flight attendant,

[SOF:…why? I guess he was same reason ATTWL 3 minor characters becom parody]

making way for him to deliver refreshments to the passengers. When he entered the pilot room, the crazy woman’s chair turned around in a foreboding way to face the cameraman.

[SOF: wat?]

“Mwa ha ha ha ha…” the pilot snickered evilly, holding out a photo of Metal Snake that the camera focused in on.

[Fred: Self insert much?]

[SOF: Yes, we can clearly tell you’re the main villain, dumbass]

“I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. Everything up until now has been a ruse.

[Steel: I never really saw this whole getup as a ruse, but go on...]

This is not a show about raping SBC members (BECAUSE THAT WOULD PROMOTE RAPE CULTURE!)

[JCM: THANK YOU FOR THAT EXCLAMATION POINT, SINCE THE CAPS DIDN'T ALREADY MAKE IT CLEAR YOU WERE YELLING!]

[Steel: I thought it was because it was so that it won't trigger fragile snowflakes like the author of this very Lit.]

[Fred: Well, maybe I would enjoy being raped instead of being in a Metal Snake lit.]

[SOF: it could be foreshadowing…oops]

and it’s not about this obnoxious, arrogant asshole…”

[Steel: Do you mean Rusty or do you mean Metal Snake? If it's the latter, then that sounds hilarious in hindsight.]

[Fred: About time you admit it.]

[Renegade: >mocking rape culture, because that shit's for Lunchable-eating libtards, amirite? :funny:

And great shot at insulting yourself, MS. That was the only legitimately funny thing I laughed at.]

The woman then took off her pilot’s hat as the camera moved up to show her full face…

“It’s about THIS obnoxious, arrogant asshole!” the woman who was revealed to be Crazy Celes,

[Steel: Even if this is intentional, I have a feeling that I'll be legitimately annoyed by MS' original MLP character do not steal.]

the insane demon god from Spiriting Fluttershy’s Dark Sky (OH MY GOD READ THAT IT’S VITAL TO THE PLOT)

[Fred: Nope.]

[Steel: Calm your tits, 66ers, I'll read your series of MLP fics as soon as I find some reasons to care about them.]

[JCM: Hi, I'm from the future, and no, Steel won't ever read your MLP fics.]

[Metalgade: "OMG GUYS, READ MY MLP FIC, IT'S SO AMAZING! #ShamelessPlug"]

[SOF: OH MY GOD, CAPS IN BRACKET.

Also, I just noticed it’s the MLP lit series he made which I kind of did read Fluttershy Dark Sky (that’s only lit I read to be fair before this happen). Elether way, nobody knows this was a plot twist]

proudly introduced herself. “Welcome to hell!”

[Steel: Thanks, I'm never coming back here.]

[Fred: "Welcome to hell" is actually a fine way to begin this show, actually.]

[SOF: Welcome to terror of this fic, folks]

And with that, corny music from the 80s began to play alongside the lost opening credits to Full SBC.

[JCM: Not going through this again. See y'all after the credits!]

[Steel: Too many cooks, too many cooks...]

[Renegade: Comparing yourself to Full SBC now, are we? Don't compare yourself to that crap...it had even more effort put into its shittiness than this.]

The theme song (or at least what Crazy Celes called the theme song) to the show came on as the plane took off. Another cameraman outside showed us the colorful exterior of the plane. Bowls of fresh fruit were painted all over it, and on the side of it, the name of the vehicle, “The Fruity Plane”, was engraved in the metal.

[MS' additional authorial text: GEDDIT? IT'S THE FRUITY PLANE BECAUSE IT HAS PAINTINGS OF FRUIT, WHICH IN ITSELF IS FRUITY???]

As the plane soared into the sky, the lyrics to the theme song could be heard…

How could we ever predict the dignivility?

[Steel: If you're going out of your way to reinvent the Full SBC theme, then that's a sign that you should at least know that your Lit is going to be trash. Also, insert joke about the dignivility here.]

[Fred: So we are riffing Full SBC again! Thank you, JCM, for turning off that trash and turning on a familiar kind of bad.]

The milkman and the paperboy trying to kill meeeee!

[Steel: and trying to rape? Oh wait, I forgot, this isn't a rip-off of RRR that this Lit marketed itself as before. now I've really fell for that ruse.]

How did I get to living here?

Somebody tell me please!

This new show’s confusing me

[Steel: I feel more confused about how I'm supposed to sing or compose this. Sheet music, please?]

[Fred: Amen.]

With clouds as mean as you’ve ever seen

As that part of the song played, Crazy Celes flew past clouds that had formed the shape of a mist dragon.

[Steel: Judging that this sentence is in italics, I'm supposed to believe that this is part of the lyrics, right?]

[Renegade: Waaaait a minute, I don't remember that being part of the lyrics to Full SBC's theme.]

[SOF: Oh, I get it now: CloudmistDragon *rimshot”]

Ain’t a bird who knows your tune

“I don’t understand kids these days!” a bird who looked remarkably like the Twitter bird sang, holding out his cell phone that showed a list of emojis.

[Steel: "What was that?" a passenger behind her asked.]

[Fred: I don't understand pointless references these days!]

[Renegade: #FellowKids

...I don't even have a joke for this. This shit just writes itself.]

[SOF: Twitter bird has a phone? Sweet]

Then a little voice inside you whispers

Kids don’t sell your dreams so soon!

[Fred: Holy shit, this actually much worse than the actual Full SBC theme. Thank you for making the worst even worse, Luke!]

[Renegade: Just try writing a 14 page document in an effort to subterfuge the site since you believe you aren't favorited!]

“Hey kids, say no to drugs!” Crazy Celes exclaimed. It was revealed that she had just been hallucinating as part of a symptom of her insanity, and nothing that had happened in the sky while the song was playing had actually transpired. “Plot twist!”

[M Night: that’s my cue, you goddamnit]

[M. Night Shamylan: What a piece of shit!]

[Steel: So I guess Metal Snake really was high on something while writing this.]

[Fred: This would probably be where the Robot Chicken clip gets posted but why bother? I don't think this lit deserves it.]

Unfortunately, while Celes was distracted by her hallucination, she didn’t notice the other plot twist that was going on behind her.

[Renegade: That all of this is just a pathetic attempt to be funny?]

[Steel: M. Night Shyamalan joke.]

*BANG* *BANG*

[JCM: *wakes up* Is it over?]

[Fred:

]

[Renegade: My baby shot me down...]

[SOF: BOOM!]

Into the room where the passengers were, the cameraman returned to find that two gunshots had gone through Clappy and Jelly, and they had fallen to the ground dead.

[Steel: Should've known this LIt was actually a rip-off of And Then There Were Less.]

The camera moved to the right, after the cameraman kicked a crate out of the way, and it was revealed that the killer was…

[Steel: ...Even Cha?]

[JCM: Anyone but her!]

Everywhere you look, everywhere you go

[JCM: Screw this. *goes back to sleep*]

[Fred: Hahahahaha, funny transition, amirite! Hahahahahahahakillme.]

There’s a Cha! There’s a Cha! Waiting round every bed!

[Steel: Who would've guessed, but then again, this joke was probably "SUPPOSED" to be predictable.]

[Renegade: The killer was the rest of the theme song to Full SBC?

Also, why is Cha in my bed? Is she trying to seduce me?]

*one conspiracy theory with Aquatic Nuggets later*

...Great Scott! Who killed Clappy and Jelly? Who is next to be prey in the killer’s hands? Will the waiter make it out okay? Who are the mysterious cameramen, really? Why am I asking you all these questions? Find out the answers to all of them...right now.

[Fred: Scott Stapp? Scott Tenorman? Scotty Evil? The Scatman?]

[Renegade: And now we're ripping off And Then There Were Less? You're reeeeeaaaaally reaching for plots here, aren'tcha, MS?]

A guy named Jeffrey Scott,

[Steel: So it was not the joke that suggested that it had to do with Cha?]

Metal Snake and the waiter, no, Adrian Bruce and her brother, Felix Bruce, and because that’s the joke.

[Steel: And as MS of the past would say "Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't find this funny."]

So that was the first episode of MS' joke Lit, and I could already tell that the Lit itself is the punchline here and it may only continue to show that it's a glaring sign of MS' downward spiral. So far, as a self-aware satirical Lit, not one of its jokes have gotten a kick out of me.]

[Fred: This is the first episode and I already think this literature is a chore to riff. And I'm too tired to conclude my riffs properly so see you guys in the next episode I riff, I guess.]

[Renegade: And we finish off with a joke that makes no fucking sense. See, this is the problem with Metal Snake's writing: he tries to be "surreal" but comes off as nonsensical. He tries to satirize "edgy" jokes and "liberal bias", but comes off looking like a conspiracy theorist internet troll who doesn't get the concepts of irony. Add to the fact that said humor can come across as horrible dated and self-aware, adding to the cringe. Aaaand finally, there's "satirical" humor like that in Modern SBC User that just comes across as ham-fisted attacks that show how egotistical he really is.

...Aaaaand shit only goes downhill from here, folks. Prepare thy asses.]

[SOF: Who?

Well, that was first chapter of this series.

Thank u, next!]

[JCM: *wakes up* I've got it! We're all the dignivility! Also, the riff is over. Go home.]

Edited by jjsthekid
fixing spacing and shit, yw JCM
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[SOF: Welcome back, everyone. While the first episode was a tricky one to riff, let’s see if we handle this one…hopefully]

[JCM: I'm already typing up my will!]

[Fred: And now, for another episode of Rusty's Raping Rampage Rip-Off. Or maybe Luke's Ludicrous Literature. Aren't All Alliterations Amazing?]

Episode 2: The Real Pilot

[SOF: Yeah, it's like we’re entering to actual start the show]

[Steel: More like the real unsold pilot.]

From where we last left off…

[SOF: No shit, we just literally riffed the first episode]

[Fred: I thought that was the fake pilot. If this is "The Real Pilot", then that means that this is the first episode, which means nothing at all happened last time we left off. Why am I criticizing this part for? No idea! Let's move on!]

Felix Bruce, the cameraman who was filming the outside of the plane, was still standing where it last was. 

[SOF: wat]

[Steel: It's Felix Bruce! You know, Felix Bruce? From the first episode we read, in JCM's riffing theater, we were all there. Remember? Felix Bruce! Oh, good times, good times...]

[Fred: Wow. Metal Snake managed to get Felix the Cat and Bruce Springsteen to appear on his show. More importantly, they both sold out to appear on this show. What a world.]

“I...need to follow that plane, don’t I?” he said, bristling the back of his neck, embarrassed.

[SOF: I don’t know, man. You seem like you always do that.]

Fortunately, our second camera captured some important footage…

[Fred: Is it for the next new Planes movie? Now THAT makes sense considering that a Planes sequel is just as unnecessary as this lit.]

[JCM: Is it Trump's sex tape with Putin? Because I'm not saying I would watch it, but I'm not saying I wouldn't watch it, either.]

However, on the plane, it was revealed that Adrian, the one who was filming inside the plane, had abandoned duty to fight, throwing the camera to the floor.

[SOF: So you just throw proof of the “important footage” out? Ok]

[Steel: That sounds ironic since this text is coming from the same guy who spearheaded the 14-page document.]

SOF had since picked it up, and was now running back and forth with it, trying to parody Cloverfield for the lulz.

[SOF:….I don’t get it, is my character supposed to be funny?]

[Fred: Somewhere in the world, the Exciting Critic Corner SOF is writhing in anger.]

[Steel: I've never seen Cloverfield, so sadly your joke didn't work on me, but hey...so didn't all those other jokes from the first episode.]

Meanwhile, Adrian was interrogating Jeffrey Scott, the one who had murdered Clappy and Jelly, punching and kicking him in his chair.

[SOF: Well he killed them, case closed *scroll down* there’s more? Ugh]

[Fred: Okay, since this is the millionth mention of "Jeffrey Scott" in the lit, I may as well look him up. Apparently, he worked in the landscape biz, wrote for many cartoons (mostly DiC ones), and...........he sells tights too. There. Now I put three different scenarios in your head.]

[Steel: That's one unusual way to interrogate someone.]

[JCM: It's enhanced interrogation. It's what the professionals do.]

“Give it up already, you rat bastard!” she yelled at him before she smacked in the face and made him cough up blood. “This isn’t some game of “Good Cop, Bad Cop”, you either tell me, or you get to suffer some more before you tell me!”

[SOF: I feel like Jeffrey has nothing to do with what he was even established to be there for.]

[Steel: now excuse me while I SHOUT IN ALL CAPS, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE REQUIRED TO DO TO CREATE A DRAMATIC EFFECT RIGHT!?!?!?!]

“I already told you everything I know!” Jeffrey claimed. “My name is Jeffrey Scott! I JUST WOKE UP AND FOUND OUT THAT I PROBABLY IMPULSIVELY MURDERED TWO PEOPLE! I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID IT, I MUST HAVE AMNESIA OR SOMETHING! FUCK YOU, MAN!”

[SOF:…then why is Adrian investigating you claiming that she thinks you did it…]

[Jeffrey Scott: CAPS LOCK MAKES ME FEEL VERY THREATENING RRRRRAUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHH]

“Oh, well okay, fuck you too.” Adrian retorted before she grabbed a frying pan off the waiter’s cart and whacked the killer in the head with it, knocking him out.

[JCM: I don't think you can interrogate somebody if they're knocked out.]

[SOF: Wow okay I don’t think rehashing the ATTWL waiter scene would help the conflict]

[Steel: It's time for some WACKY hijincks, dohoho!]

 “I was just bluffing, I’m willing to give you the benefit of the doubt you had no motive. I’d prefer to find out more about this shit myself rather than play around with you. Besides, I want to take a break now.”

[SOF: You doubt it? Maybe this is not a good start to find a clue instead of jumping into action.]

“Oh no you don’t…” CDCB said as he pulled out his gun. 70s pulled out his gun as well, and the two of them shot the waiter and Metal Snake (the bullets entered their hearts, killing them instantly).

[SOF:…wow more rehashing yawn]

[Steel: ...um, can anybody please help me find the pacing in this?]

They also shot Adrian (the bullets they fired at her, she deflected with the frying pan).

[SOF:…I don’t get it]

[Steel: Thanks for the info.]

[JCM: Adrian must have some really fast hands or a really, really big frying pan if he's able to stop bullets coming from two different sources,]

“Looks like they figured out our little secret, eh, CDCB?” 70s told his killing friend as they shared a cartoonish laugh together, one that was quickly interrupted by

[SOF: Yeah, I think MS is trying to make a more parodying theme with this one…okay I think I should stop nitpicking here.]

grabbing another frying pan off the waiter’s cart and smacking them both in the heads too.

[Steel: Yes MS, I like Tom & Jerry too, and I'd much prefer to watch that than skim through this awful Lit.]

“What secret would that be, the fact that you’re both fucking crazy?!” she remarked as she knocked them out and they fell to the floor unconscious. “Something’s wrong here, there has to be a reason the passengers on this plane are going nuts and killing each other...it must be Crazy Celes. Her aura of insanity must be spreading to the passengers, making them become crazy enough to murder people!”

[SOF: Thank you for self-explaining here.]

[Fred: They're all going nuts because they now found out they're in Crazy Celes and they would rather die than be in that lit.]

Spongetron overheard this and gasped.

“People?!” she exclaimed at the mention. “You mean…”

[JCM: Yes, she means people.]

She gasped when she saw the body of Metal Snake lying dead in the seat.

[SOF: I’m shocked too, but w/e]

[Steel: ding dong the snake is dead.]

“LUKE!” she yelled. “NNNNNOOOOO!!!!!”

[Steel: In a different context, this sounds exactly like something that Darth Vader might say.]

[Fred: Don't worry, Spongetron, you still have me to care about.

 

Oh wait, no you don't! You don't care about me since I'm not Luke.]

[SOF: Hooray for putting here that she loved too much…she seriously needs to stop obsessing about him]

She continued screaming, “NNNNNOOOOO!!!!!”, as she went over to Metal Snake, then hummed, “Doo-doo-doo…”,

[JCM: Well, she got over that fast.]

[Fred: 

Also, suck it, Doug Walker.]

as she tiptoed around Clappy and Jelly’s bodies and put the waiter’s body on his cart nicely before kicking it out of the way, then carried on with yelling, “NNNNNOOOOO!!!!!”, until she reached his seat. She then started singing the first exercise song from the end credits of Yo-Kai Watch, as the other people on the plane gave her looks of bemusement.

[Steel: Doo-doo-doo pay no attention to my poor attempt to deliver a joke Doo-doo-doo.]

[SOF:…okay then, never really watched Yo-Kai Watch, but I only saw the first episode, and it doesn’t work for me. Also, she must’ve watched after MS told her to watch as well cause MS told her what to do as she must follow him]

“How disrespectful.” Steel remarked.

[Steel: There I am, Gary! There I am!]

“That was already an extremely rude, self-centered, thoughtless, mean-spirited, and sloppy act to only care enough about the waiter to give him a proper send-off, and then she has to sing such unfitting music to her “love”, whom while I understand had not been the best person to his fans, lying to them and plagiarizing the work of Elastic and Jjsthekid, still deserved better.”

[SOF: self-awareness]

[Steel: While I could already tell that this was a joke about how I tend not to make sense at times, my fictional self is not wrong about how that particular scene didn't make any sense, no matter if it was intentional.]

“...Thanks, Hamlet?” Adrian thought to herself. “Why am I still sticking around here? I need to go take care of that crazy bitch before I end up losing it…”

[SOF: I would say if this chapter could’ve been done a bit faster.]

[Steel: You know, you're right too, character-that-I-will-completely-forget-about-by-the-time-I'm-done-with-this-Lit, why should we all keep sticking around here?]

After Adrian went to the pilot’s room to confront Celes, Wumbo felt he had to let something out…

[JCM: Don't worry, Wumbo. We all know you're Canadian, and we only hate you slightly more because of it.]

“Man, what Steel just said cheesed me off!” he yelled. “No one cares that Luke was shit to his fans! You got that, everyone except Steel?!”

[SOF:…holy shit, I think Wumbo may have a point here: why’s MS writing this? Like I get we didn’t care how MS’s writing was a thing until we got to the point in a later chapter which is foreshadowing]

[Fred: Yeah, people only cared about him because he liked MLP and wrote long-essays!

 

......again, that's all I can assume.]

 

[Steel: You know, while this chapter has only bored me to death so far, here's a little something interesting that I have to talk about towards this particular text. Remember that one time that Wumbo quoted me in the Awards season topic...topic telling me that he didn't know what I was saying in one of my posts? Apparently so, that's the setpiece for that very joke. How could I tell? I could very well remember this episode being posted about a week or even days after that little conversation that we've had. So, way to be a little too on the nose, Luke, wouldn't I say so?

Also more self-deprecating humor from MS, as if it's not a reoccurring sign of his downward spiral.]

“Eh, I can see how it’s a bit disrespectful.” Jjs remarked. “I will give Steel credit though for making the most confusing eulogy I’ve ever seen.”

[JCM: At least he got Jjs right. Cheers, Jjs! Sorry for ruining your show!]

[SOF: Confusing shows like DU & SBC I&P are already confusing me so self-awareness]

But alas, Jjs’ attempt to remain neutral failed to quell the inexplicable rage that was rising amongst the community (unsurprisingly). Eventually, SOF had to let something out as well. He threw the camera down, and at the same time the entertainment being shown to the passengers switched to an Emperor Lemon YTP playing the notorious clip from Snakes on a Plane, he yelled…

[Steel: And wow, speaking of downward spirals- DOWNWARD SPIRAL, DOWNWARD SPIRAL...]

[SOF: LMAO what?! Did MS insert EL, the infamous YTPooper, into this fanfic? Wow…]

[The Count: Two! Two terrible people who used to be worshiped endlessly! Ah ah ah!]

“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!”

[JCM: So have I. How many episodes are left? 13? F]

[SOF: Enough said! True believer!]

[Steel: You forgot the part where he told us all to unsubscribe to his channel, but thanks anyways for that wasted "cameo."]

He ran over to where Metal Snake’s body was, pushed Spongetron aside, then lifted Metal’s body up and threw him out the window. Metal’s body, after being flung outside, floated from the wind into one of the plane’s turbine engines. The spinning blade ground his body up into a pulp of blood...and squirming metal that exuded a ghostly aura…

[SOF:…what the actual fuck am I reading? I…I don’t even know how to respond to this above paragraph, but it looks like he just wanted to make me a bad killer. And here I am thinking..this is awful of this scene.]

[Fred: Hey, you were one of the few people who gave this literature a like............for some reason. You all gave it a like for some reason. I didn't. Hooray for me not giving into general consensus!]

[Steel: "What was that?" a passenger behind her asked.]

In the plane, Spongetron and SOF were crusing

[JCM: is that intentional]

at each other angrily while Adrian was slowly sneaking up on Crazy Celes in the pilot’s room with a frying pan in hand…

[Steel: Can something please make sense here? Even if this Lit is deliberately trying not to make any sense, show us some clarity here. And mind you, this is coming from someone who apparently makes confusing eulogies.]

*BAM*

[Fred: Em..........Emeril? Emeril Lagasse?]

 [SOF: BOOM!]

She smashed the frying pan into the back of her head, but instead of knocking her out, it flattened her head into the shape of the frying pan as if she was a classic cartoon character.

[SOF: Haha, see it’s like you’re just putting Looney Tunes slapstick in there]

[JCM: You've shown that frying pans can be wonderful weapons and shields, but can you use one to fry something? CAN YOU, ADRIAN?]

[Steel: Once again, thanks for using these cartoony overtones as a solemn reminder that I have better things to see or do than read this. While I can see this is as your attempt to keep me from feeling uninterested in your story so far, I'm sorry but it's not working for me.]

“Ha ha!” Crazy Celes laughed, ready to gloat. “You know, for an obvious SJW protagonist, I was expecting better than weapons women used in the 50s!”

[SOF:….really? NOW you bring SJW jokes no uh-huh I’m not going through this stupid shit]

[Steel: yeah nope, I'm not even going to try and form a joke out of that sentence.]

“Oh, don’t worry, I can do better.” Adrian responded with a smirk, confident of the damage she could do with her footwear. “I just recently got into football...”

[SOF: Whoo! Football]

[Steel: Hey look, I'm breaking gender stereotypes!]

Adrian then did a swift drop kick right into Celes’ face, squishing her and grinding her into a bloody mess with the cleats she was wearing.

[JCM: Still less violent than actual football.]

“It’s no use!” Celes cried,

[Steel: Honestly, even I'd rather play Sonic 06 than continue reading this.]

still alive from her demon god powers. “I’m an immortal god! I can just regenerate!”

[SOF: Can we not make this a stupid thing where you act like you’re a ”god”.]

“Regenerate my ass!” Adrian retorted as she sat on Celes and crushed her more with her butt to stymie her regeneration process. “I’m going to stop this plane!”

[SOF:…..ok this is WAY too dirty here]

[Steel: A part of me wants to assume that this is his fetish, but the other part of me doesn't want to dwell on that, so I'll leave it here.]

But as Adrian got into the pilot’s seat and tried to figure out the controls, a new threat appeared outside the plane...a swarm of metal snakes crawling on the window to the left of her.

[MS' additional authorial text: GEDDIT? THEY'RE METALLIC SNAKES AND MY USERNAME IS METAL SNAKE???]

“Wow, this feels weirdly familiar.” Jjs remarked as he vaguely remembered something he had written in one of his shows just last year.

[SOF: I don’t remember unless something came out that related to jjs’ works]

[JCM: There were metal snakes in an episode of Mystic Guardians, which I only remember because it came out a day before my birthday and two days before the world ended in 2016.]

“One too many metal snakes.” Clappy’s ghost remarked as he completely remembered something he had written seven years ago. “Did you forget your password, Metal Snake?”

[Fred: It's probably something predictable like "password". Though he could always do "ilike17yearolds" as well.]

“THE GHOSTMASTER’S BACK TO GIVE US SHIT FROM EYEAR AGO THAT NO ONE CARES ABOUT OR REMEMBERS!!!” Dragiiin yelled.

[SOF: That’s our Drag]

[JCM: That's certainly a Drag.]

“Now do you see what I was trying to do?!” Spongetron exclaimed. “My singing was soothing the souls of the departed, keeping them from becoming ghosts! But now it’s too late!”

[SOF: ok I think I can remember this one: this is definitely Yo Kai Watch reference (maybe? Unless other riffers point it out to me).]

[Fred: Well, I can assure you that I don't know if this is a Yo Kai Watch reference either. Then again, I can't figure out the any of the references most of the Fortnite Four make.] 

[Steel: OHHHH, I see what you were trying to do now (actually, no i don't).]

Again, the outside of the plane was shown. With the turbine engine destroyed, the plane could no longer take the onslaught of the metal snakes,

[JCM: and neither could this forum.]

and began to go down in a tailspin. Felix had finally caught up with the plane in an airborne vehicle of his own, looking out from a helicopter to film the outside...only to see the aforementioned.

“D’oh…” he said in a defeated tone.

[Fred: The feeling is mutual, Homer.]

 “Well there’s the story, folks!” SOF remarked. “Metal Snake became a Yo-Kai! Good night, everyone!”

[SOF: No you idiot, we still have 13 chapters left.

Anyways, not much to say except this whole plane scene in the chapter is basically MS getting killed and turning into a Yo Kai Watch ghost. Crazy Celes escaped despite Adrian trying to save it. Otherwise, this chapter is just poorly written so far.]

[Steel: That was an awful story.]

[Fred: Oh, how I wish this were the end of the story. In fact, I wish I had the strength to find something to riff upon in this lit. Here's to hoping the next chapter will be less confusing. That way, it'd be much easier to comprehend and riff upon. I'm definitely glad I didn't riff every chapter.]

[JCM: I wish I had a choice. See you all again some other day. Probably. Maybe.]

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[JCM: And then there were three! Three riffers for the third episode of Crazy Celes! Some say that three's a magic number, and hopefully I can use that magic to poof myself outta here.]

[SOF: Damn, wonder what’s this is gonna lead to-]

Episode 3: Yo Korea!

[Korea: Hey, how are ya?]

[SOF:….really?]

[JCM: Yo Korea, my Korea, everyone's Korea. That's the beauty of communism.]

Crazy Celes’ plane is trapped in a tailspin!

[SOF: Hooray for using Disney references]

“That’s no good!” Sonic the Hedgehog exclaimed as he passed by, riding on Tails, who was flying by spinning his tails in the air.

[SOF: Any reason why Sonic & Tails is related to this SBC fanfic? Because that’s not what is going happen unless MS inserted YTP material.]

[Fred: Sega did 9/11, that's why. Find out more at alqaedawasblamed.org]

How will she break out of it? She eventually breaks out of it.

[JCM: Spoiler alert! Jesus!]

[Fred: I don't know that question. What I do know is that Sega did 9/11. #SegaDidWhatOsamaDidn't]

“What the hell?!” Adrian yelled as she got out of the pilot seat. “You didn’t break out of it, I did! The only thing you broke out of was being trapped underneath my ass, and that’s only because I let you!”

[JCM: That's not what you said last night.]

[SOF: Maybe she didn’t know Crazy Celes has plot of her own, which I doubt she did.]

“Like that’s something to brag about?!” Celes retorted as she fully regenerated herself back to normal. “You should already let me do what I want!”

“I don’t have time for your crap!” Adrian exclaimed as the sound of the plane’s exterior being broken through could be heard coming from the passenger’s room. “I have to help the people you dragged into it!”

Once Adrian rushed back to the passenger’s room, she saw what she had feared when she had first seen the metal snakes come to life...the motherfucking things

[JCM: When did Samuel L. Jackson start writing this lit?]

were now trying to bust into the goddamn plane with their razor-sharp fangs that could dig into metal. Some of them even began to chew through it, and an ominous banging came from the cargo door in the back…

[SOF: Jesus, don't you think THAT would constantly destroy the plane with all this shit with snakes?]

“FUCK!” Adrian bellowed in response to the impending threat. “Everyone, grab a parachute! We have to evacuate!”

“Mwa ha ha, just try it!” Celes proclaimed with a cackle over the pilot’s radio. “Even with a parachute, a drop from this height will land you to a fate worse than death...landing in North Korea!”

[JCM: Pretty sure I would prefer that over falling to the death from a plane.]

[SOF:….are you fucking kidding?! It was a stupid idea to reference to The Interview.]

Everyone on the plane besides Adrian gasped dramatically, with a few dying of shortness of breath.

“Alas, the shock of me implying that North Korea was a shithole country was too much for some to bear!” Crazy Celes taunted them over the radio.

[JCM: i wonder what thats a reference to]

“Not for me.” Renegade the Unicorn boasted with a cocky grin. “I agree with Donald Trump’s stance on North Korea.”

[SOF: Oh great, now we’re entering Trump jokes, too? Booo]

“Oh really?” Celes retorted in a sickly sweet tone of voice. “Then I suppose you’d also agree with me bringing...FIRE AND FURY DOWN UPON THE COUNTRY!”

[SOF: And this same character would kill them all. Nice character, everyone.]

With that, the metal snakes broke through the cargo door in the back, just as Celes went full throttle on the plane controls, directing the plane down at an alarmingly high speed. Everyone was flung out of the plane, with the exception of Spongetron, who plunged herself into the fangs of the metal snakes at the wall to keep herself inside, wanting to die where her crush had.

[SOF: WTF? Is she gonna stay there with dead MS…that’s really bizarre if you ask me.]

[JCM: Even more bizarre is the fact that Metal Snake is writing this. There's nothing wrong with somebody having a crush on you, but there is quite a bit wrong with you writing about that person being suicidal over your death.]

Luckily, some of the SBC users were able to grab parachutes in time, but unfortunately, by the time everyone was ejected from the plane, Adrian didn’t have a parachute. The last thing Spongetron saw was Adrian giving her parachute to Renegade in an act of sacrifice before she got ejected herself, which led her to tear up…

[SOF:…jesus, here I thought that is one hell of a way to kill off in sad SO/Lit whatever fuck that is.]

...at the prospect of someone she didn’t like surviving, of course. To pour extra salt on the wound, she saw Adrian beginning to remove her pants, reminding her that she would now never have the chance to get laid.

[JCM: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

stop-police.jpg

Let's halt the brakes and remind people that Tron was 16 when this was written. 16! That's not a normal thing to write about anyone, but especially a 16 year old girl. If you want to mine jokes out of this situation, fine! Have Tron think about how she'll never watch another episode of MLP, or play another game of Fortnite, or NOT help the Band Geeks in another SBC event. (Seriously, March Madness 2017 was the last time she was of any use for us. She won't be missed.)]

Her last words to Ren, her nemesis, were…

[Spongetron: Please don't riff my husband's literature in the future. It sucks and makes no sense but since he created it, it's goooddddddddddddddd....]

“I’ll stalk you till the day you die...I never let go of a grudge…”

[SOF:…that’s it? That’s your last words? You could come up with different ways to say your final words than THAT?!]

And with her final vow to creep on the creeper forever, she died from the poison the metal snakes injected into her body with their fangs.

[JCM: Only creeper here is Metal Snake the way he's writing.]

[SOF:…Okay there, JCM, that’s seriously gross]

[Fred: And nobody of value was lost. At least to me. Again, considering I don't watch MLP, she wouldn't like me.]

Meanwhile, Felix saw what had happened from his helicopter. Immediately, he had the pilot of the helicopter fly to where Adrian was. Upon arrival, he and the team reviled at the bloody mess before them in terror…

[SOF: Y’know, I would like to point out, if she had used it in some way to escape then why the fuck couldn't she stop the fucking plane in first place?]

“MY PARACHUTE PANTS ARE RUINED!” one of the crew members screamed as he saw an irritated Adrian floating down, hanging onto the parachute pants the crew member had technologically modified to function like an actual parachute. “WHY WAS IT SO HARD TO JUST WEAR A TAMPON?!”

[SOF: STOP SHOUTING! I’M NAPPING!]

“It was Celes’ fault, not mine!” Adrian yelled, referring to how the back of her pants got ruined when she sat on Celes while she was a bloody pulp. “Forget about me, we need to find the survivors right away and then stop Celes from doing any more damage!”

*KABOOM*

[JCM: The sequel to KaBlam nobody wanted]

[SOF: Did somebody say Boom?]

As the explosion confirmed that they were too late, Felix responded by shrugging his shoulders and saying…

“At least we still have survivors we can help…”

[Fred: Nah, the survivors got killed by a random rock from the sky because rocks.]

However, he paused as the plane flew lower to the ground, enabling him to see another bloody mess, the SBC members without parachutes who were killed from the fall.

[SOF: rip]

“...cross over peacefully.” he finished.

 Unfortunately, that too soon proved to be a futile pursuit, as ghosts rose from the corpses of the SBC members, becoming Yo-Kai.

[SOF:…really?! Ughhhhh I'm kind of not wanting any more Yo-Kai Watch references since I had no knowledge of that anime myself]

[JCM: Reading this makes me want to watch Yo-Kai even less.]

“Oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Felix yelled in frustration.

[SOF: Tell me about it]

How will North Korea handle their nation being invaded by Japanese monsters? What will be the consequences of Crazy Celes’ crazy kamikaze move? Will the Trump administration be able to make Renegade’s dream come true, and end Teen Titans Go!?

[Fred: Nobody ends my're new favorite show!]

A (fake) preview was then shown of Renegade playing Go (Chinese/Japanese checkers) on a Teen Titans-decorated board with a Korean insei (Go student).

[Fred: Thanks for the Korea lesson, Professor Snake!]

[SOF: Uh was that really needed there?]

Find out next time on Total! Japan! Island!

[Fred: But wasn't Total Japan Island already bombed by Cow and Chicken? South Park said so!

 

This lit is still getting harder to riff, by the way. See you guys in the next episode I sadly do whenever that is.]

[SOF: Haha no This chapter was just bunch of mental snakes jokes and Yo Kai whatever that hell that is. Maybe next chapter will be something more interesting than this, right?!]

[Fred: On another note, Mental Snake is actually a great way to describe the author of this, great job, SOF comrade.]

[JCM: I'm still trying to process what I just read. All I can say is what I'm feeling, which is a lot of confusion and a bit of disgust. Even though there are 15 episodes, I'm stopping the riffs early at episode 6 for the sake of everybody's sanity, so we're halfway through! That's the good news. The bad news is there are still three more episodes of Crazy Celes or Total Japan Island or whatever this lit is called now for us to sit through. Stay strong, and stay off the sauce.]

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[JCM: Aaand we're back! Hope you all enjoyed the break, cause I sure as heck did, but sadly, it's back to the grind now.]

Episode 4: Tied Into All of This 

[SOF: I’m tired of this crap on CC so far, give me something good]

We’re back on Total Japan Island, to see what happened after the boom!

[SOF: We can totally tell how bad of a parody this is]

“WHAT. THE. FUCK. BBBBBOOOOOMMMMM!!!!! OH! OH!” could be heard from the plane Crazy Celes crashed. She was watching a compilation of dated memes on the still functional passenger TV with Sonic the Hedgehog.

[JCM: why]

[SOF: Yeah, I have no idea why this goes along with this shitposting.]

“Lame!” she proclaimed. “This is why I never touch the memes from the 00s. I always wait until the 10s! That’s when things really start to boom!”

[JCM: joke's on you cause the 10s are almost over now]

 “They sure do…” Sonic said bemusedly as he remembered waiting until the 10s for Sonic Boom, only to watch it bomb terribly

[JCM: Get it? Boom? Bomb? No, we're not doing that? Okay then.]

Um...maybe we need to go back to what happened before the boom…

[SOF: Thanks, Captain Oblivious.]

ONE TASTELESS HISTORICAL JOKE LATER

[SOF: ONE BAD JOKE LATER]

Kim Jong-un was with his soldiers, shooting an infomercial inside of a weed farm.

[JCM: Weed's not the worst way to fund a communist regime.]

[SOF: Oh great, now we're making fun of this political shit.]

north-korean-leader-kim-jong-un-farm.jpg

[SOF: I love the fact he doesn’t give any description on what's even going on in there.]

“Today, we show you that our Korea is not just socialist country of war!” he exclaimed. “It is fun socialist country of war!”

[JCM: Does that mean I won't be sent to a forced labor camp?

Kim: No, you'll still be sent to a forced labor camp, but we'll have fun while doing it!

JCM: Aww.]

[SOF: Yes, unfortunately, this chapter was kind of a tie-in that took place during the North-South Korea summit which was historic, and at the same time as the 2018 Winter Olympics last year.]

There was a pause of silence before Celes crashed the plane into the weed farm and into Kim Jong and the soldiers beside him, crushing and killing them instantly.

[JCM: rip in peace. i.p.]

While Celes was harmed as well, she had since regenerated from the damage done to her. The explosion that Adrian and Felix had heard happened at this time, with fire surrounding the plane and spreading to the weed, creating a familiar kind of smoke in the air. Some of the fire on the inside of the plane also began to slowly crawl towards Spongetron’s body...and she abruptly opened her eyes, now reborn as a Yo-Kai…

[SOF: Okay, that's one hell of a run on sentence.]

“FILM-CLI-CHES!” Celes exclaimed in tune to “DUN-DUN-DUN”. “Next thing you know, everyone is going to die with the exception of the two heroes, who will make it out entirely unscathed!”

[SOF: Except two of them are the characters we never know until later chapters.]

Spongetron ignored the demon god’s ramblings and sucked the metal snakes who had bit her inside of her

[SOF: WTF?! Tron just literally ate the fucking snakes?! Dude, I know this is Lit, but this pure fucked up, you messed up weirdo.]

[JCM: I'm still trying to process Tron being alive and now she's sucking metal snakes into herself? I give up trying to understand any of this.]

corpse, transforming herself into a robot that resembled an insect. She looked behind through one of the holes the metal snakes had made in the plane and saw her nemesis, Renegade, parachuting down to the ground with other SBC members who were fortunate enough to acquire parachutes before the plane went down.

[SOF: Oh yeah, I forgot she hated Ren a lot for some reason. To be fair, Ren was an asshole at the time, but Ren is Ren.]

“So Kim Jong-un is dead…” Ren said, viewing the scene of the plane crash before him. “Eh.”

[SOF: Pretty sure that none of us would care much about him, so meh.]

“Thoughts?” Wumbo responded, curious.

[JCM: No thots around here, sorry.]

“Eh.” Ren replied. “Happy?”

[SOF: I’m not really with this chapter so far.]

“such insightful thoughts” Homie remarked sarcastically.

[JCM: hey sarcasm is my job]

“Hey, cut me some slack!” Ren exclaimed. “We’re in North Korea of all places!”

 [SOF: Well, If you ask me, you guys literally crashed the place.]

“Touche.” Jjs commented as Homie conceded. “We do need to watch what we say more than we normally do considering the circumstances.”

“would those circumstances involve me by any chance” Wumbo joked.

[JCM: No! It doesn't involve you or your thots! Get your mind out of the gutter!]

“Don’t worry, I got this.” Ren assured as he and the rest of the group landed.

[SOF: And here we are, stranded in NK as Ren played the “hero”]

Unfortunately, the gang landed near where a Korean soldier was patrolling. Having gotten a whiff of the smoke coming from the weed farm, he and a squad had followed it to investigate and had also now witnessed the entry of the SBC members.

[JCM: "Fortunately, the soldiers were all high from the weed smoke and didn't care."]

“Who are you?!” the squad leader demanded answers from them, pointing a K2 assault rifle at them as his subordinates pointed K3 machine guns at them. “State your names and purpose!”

“Sup, Koreaboo?” Ren greeted them as he walked up to the squad leader, only for him to smack him in the stomach with his rifle in frustration.

[SOF: Yeah, he’s not helping, could’ve used jjs to handle the situation or Wumbo.]

[JCM: Or literally anyone other than Metal's incompetent version of Renegade.]

“Arrest them all!” the squad leader ordered his men. “We’ll torture answers out of them!”

[SOF: Well SBC died. The end.]

“What do we do?” the SBC members asked themselves as the soldiers held them at gunpoint and led them to a prison. “They’ll never believe we’re just stowaways from a Spongebob site...and if we tell them we were with that maniac who killed their leader, they’ll kill us for sure!”

[SOF: Um yeah, I think it’s the fact how they weren’t knowing Ren did something stupid, but I have no idea what’s up with the in unsion.]

[JCM: The plane crash must have telepathically connected all of us. Too bad this didn't happen IRL because it would have ended Metalgate a lot sooner. But we'd also all be stuck in North Korea. Hmm. ?]

After the squad who arrested the SBC members left, however, a new squad came to investigate the plane crash, where that maniac no longer resided. She had used her demon god powers to teleport to where Adrian and Felix were, leaving only one creature left for the squad to discover, and it wasn’t a blue hedgehog…

[SOF: Oh, I get it. Stealing Skod style, eh?]

“Mwa ha ha ha ha…” Crazy Celes laughed evilly to herself. “Now it’s time to do what I do best...mess with these kids’ heads…”

[SOF: Jesus, this fanfic got even darker than RRR (except RRR was not meant to “rape” the victims).]

Adrian and Felix were walking down a trail in search of Celes’ crashed plane and any survivors, with the rest of the team staying behind to watch the helicopter.

“Huh…” Adrian said as she found herself growing accustomed to her new clothing, having had to improvise and borrow a pair of men’s pants from a teammate after her other pants got soiled. “I guess Wayne’s World was right. At first it’s constrictive, but after a while, it becomes a part of you…”

[SOF: Huh? I don’t get the conversation at all.]

[JCM: Didn't watch Wayne's World so I'm just as lost as you.]

“Wasn’t Garth talking about underwear in the movie though?” Felix replied.

“Who said I was talking about pants?” Adrian retorted. “They weren’t the only thing that got soiled, you know…”

[JCM: Goodnight, everybody! Even after a week and a half I can't take this!]

“...I guess going commando wouldn’t have been much better…” an embarrassed Felix thought.

[SOF: Duh, maybe you could’ve come up with a better topic than that.]

“Moving on from that,” said an equally abashed Adrian, “I’m surprised we haven’t run into any of Kim Jong’s commandos yet.”

[SOF: That’s because you two weren’t captured, dumbasses.]

“You think that Celes killed them?” Felix asked.

[SOF: Oh no, they’re just being blamed for plane crash, and for killing them…*pause* on a serious note, I couldn’t tell if MS is falsely trying to blame us by portraying us as bad guys?]

“If they had something to do with her show, I’m sure of it.” Adrian answered. “Celes’ only motive for doing evil things is to entertain herself, so I can easily imagine that the reason she dropped us here was because she got bored of her plan to cause a terrorist attack on the Twin Towers.”

[SOF: I find this chapter more boring than the actual plot.]

“It’s even possible that she planned this all from the start.” Felix suggested. “But knowing her mental instability, it wouldn’t surprise me if there are things that she’s abruptly changing her mind on and just making up as she goes along…”

“Don’t look now, but I think that we’re about to see you’re right…” Adrian said as she stopped walking and held out her arm to halt her brother.

[SOF: Aw, isn’t that cute? But seriously, this chapter is SO FUCKING BORING]

Both saw ahead of them something that had to be the work of the insane demon god...the South Korean animation studio that animates Spongebob Squarepants...in North Korea.

[SOF: Pfft, there’s worse NK animation studios if you think that’s bad]

“I found a way to tie Spongebob into all of this!” Celes exclaimed maniacally.

[SOF: Gee, you think? Because you planned to just destroy them then proceed to your next plan that has something to do with SB?]

That’s right, folks! This lit is now a spin-off! Tune in for more next week as Spongebob and Sandy finally get together while Sonic the Hedgehog watches!

[JCM: Just popping back in to say that none of this is okay and that the world is a worse place for this existing.]

[SOF: No no no no and FUCKING NO! Honestly, JCM said he would finish this at 15 (which he planned anyways), and I guess he decided to stop at ep #6. Oh well, it’s up to him anyways since it’s just hard to riff, but I guess we won’t get to see infamous chapter that’s supposed to be riffed..only 2 more to go!]

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