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The Lost Episodes

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The Yeezy Episode

 

Found by: Aquatic Nuggets

 

One day, our Lord and Savior Kanye West walked into Bikini Bottom, and seeing that it was good, decided that he owned it now. His first act as ruler was to outlaw all haters, motherfuckers, and hating motherfuckers, in no particular order. His second act was to give all the ladies in Bikini Bottom mandatory butt implants to make them more like his first lady and head piece of ass Kim Kardashian. His fourth act was to make it illegal to criticize Kanye for skipping the third act, because fuck counting.

 

Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs is getting ready for a visit from the handsome, rich, smart, rich, and especially rich rapper Kanye West. Kanye does go to the Krusty Krab, but not to eat, because gods don't eat. Instead, he wants Krabs to rename the Krusty Krab to something more appealing, like the Kanye Krab. Mr. Krabs tells him that that's a horrible name, and Kanye agrees, telling him to rename it the Kanye Kanye instead. Squidward tells Kanye to get over himself, and a furious Kanye takes out a gun and shoots Squidward's brain outs.

 

Mr. Krabs screams, calling Kanye a homicidal manic, but Kanye says that he prefers the term "homicidal artist". Pearl then walks into the Krusty Krab with her new butt implants and asks Mr. Krabs if he likes them. Mr. Krabs faints. SpongeBob comes out of the kitchen and wonders why Squidward is dead, Mr. Krabs is knocked out, and Pearl has more junk in the trunk than usual. Kanye call everyone "bitches" and leaves a confused SpongeBob to return to his former life as a humble, multimillionaire rapper, singer-songwriter, record producer, director, fashion designer, entrepreneur, and teddy bear aficionado.

 

Next week: Bubble Buddy Returns Again

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I wasn't able to post the newest episode last Sunday due to extenuating circumstances. However, I did make a logo, so here it is:

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And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Bubble Buddy Returns Again

Found by: jjsthekid

One day, SpongeBob is in his living room, watching "the sports channel", when he hears the doorbell ring. He opens the door and finds Bubble Buddy floating with his son Shiny, who is now a rebellious teenager with chin hair and hepatitis C. Bubble Buddy tells SpongeBob that he's going to an underwater retreat with his wife to have hot bubble sex, and since Shiny is on parole, he needs SpongeBob to look after him. SpongeBob agrees, and after Bubble Buddy floats away in his car, Shiny immediately locks himself in SpongeBob's guest room to snort cocaine and masturbate.

SpongeBob knocks on Shiny's door and asks him what he's doing. Shiny tells SpongeBob that he's fucking SpongeBob's mother, and SpongeBob, satisfied with the response, starts to walk away, until he remembers that his mother's out of town and therefore couldn't be fornicating with a teenage boy in his guest room. SpongeBob knocks on Shiny's door again and tells him to apologize for fibbing, and Shiny tells SpongeBob to go suck a dick somewhere. SpongeBob, offended that Shiny would propose that he orally stimulate a male organ in an unspecified location, tells him to come out right this minute to recieve a spanking. Shiny says no, so SpongeBob uses his awesome, completely amazing sponge magic©®TM to squeeze under the door and appear on the other side.

Shiny picks up a pencil and says that if SpongeBob comes any closer, he'll splatter his own remains on the carpet. SpongeBob, who has just cleaned that carpet, tries to convince Shiny to drop the pencil, to no avail. SpongeBob spends the next five hours trying to negotiate with a suicidal soap bubble, until he gets bored and falls asleep. Shiny then floats out the window to meet up with other teenage bubbles for a night of rockin' self-destructive behavior, and he returns to the pineapple the next morning with a hangover and another STD. When SpongeBob sees him, he panics, thinking that Bubble Buddy will hate him for letting his son get fucked up, but when Bubble Buddy stops by to pick up his son, he's too hung over himself to notice his son's condition. As the neglectful father and unhinged son float away, SpongeBob hopes that he will never have a bubble-based adventure ever again.

Next week: Bubble Buddy 3: Return of the Return

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Bubble Buddy 3: Return of the Return

Found by: Hayden

One day, SpongeBob gets a call from Bubble Buddy asking him to babysit Billy Bob Bubbleson, Bubble Buddy's second cousin twice removed. SpongeBob says he can't because he's going to Glove Universe, and also because all of Bubble Buddy's relatives are fucking insane. Buddy Buddy then tells SpongeBob a sob story about how his wife left him, his dog died, and his limbs fell off all in the past week. SpongeBob, feeling sorry for Bubble Buddy, his dog, and his limbs, agrees to babysit Billy Bob Bubbleson, and then a baby bubble person floats into SpongeBob's house through an open window. Patrick walks through the door a few minutes later and asks SpongeBob if he's ready to go to Glove Universe. SpongeBob says yes, and he takes Billy Bob Bubbleson with him to the bus.

While on the bus, Billy Bob Bubbleson starts to cry, and Patrick immediately takes out a needle, ready to pop him. SpongeBob grabs the needle and reprimands Patrick for his murderous tendencies. Patrick scoffs, saying that SpongeBob sounds like his therapist, and SpongeBob soothes the baby until he stops crying. While at Glove Universe, SpongeBob and Patrick take Billy Bob Bubbleson onto the Merry-Glove-Round. After one circle around the ride, Billy Bob Bubbleson vomits, spewing liquid soap all over SpongeBob and Patrick's faces. Patrick, in a literal blind rage, proceeds to kill everyone around him, while SpongeBob runs into the nearest bathroom. After flushing out his eyes, SpongeBob hears squeaking from behind one of the stalls, and when he looks under the stall, he sees Bubble Buddy, with all of his limbs, having hot bubble sex with his wife, as his bubble dog, alive and well, videotapes it.

Bubble Buddy asks SpongeBob if he's ever heard of privacy, and SpongeBob, realizing that Bubble Buddy lied to him, takes out the needle that he confiscated from Patrick on the bus and uses it to pop Bubble Bubby and his wife. Immediately regretting what he's done, SpongeBob takes out a bubble wand, dips it in the remains of Mr. and Mrs. Bubble Buddy, and blows them back out mostly like they were before. Bubble Buddy, however, now has his wife's breasts, and Mrs. Bubble Buddy now has her husband's Heisenberg hat. Buddy Buddy apologizes for lying to SpongeBob, saying that he just didn't want to pay for a babysitter, and SpongeBob says it's all right and leaves the bathroom. Mrs. Bubble Buddy, turned on by the sight of her breasts on Bubble Buddy's body, proceeds to have even hotter bubble sex with him, as SpongeBob picks up Billy Bob Bubbleson at the bloodstained Merry-Glove-Round. SpongeBob reprimands Patrick again for his violent rampage. and they both dispose of the bodies of Patrick's victims and take the bus home. Patrick asks if they can go to Glove Universe again tomorrow, and SpongeBob rolls his eyes and says "Maybe."

Next week: Waffles

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Waffles

Found by: jjsthekid

One day, Patrick walks into the Krusty Krab, and Squidward asks him what he would like to order, warning him that if he spends 30 minutes ordering again, he'll die a slow and painful death. Patrick thinks for a second then says "waffles". Squidward tells him that waffles aren't on the menu. Patrick says "waffles" again while holding up a picture of a Krabby Patty, which has a prominent white stain on it that he doesn't want to talk about. Squidward rolls his eyes and tells SpongeBob to cook up a Krabby Patty. SpongeBob salutes and says "Waffles!"

Squidward asks SpongeBob why he and Patrick keep saying "waffles", and SpongeBob and Patrick respond by singing a song about, you guessed it, waffles. Offended by the unhealthy yet catchy song, most of the customers leave the restaurant in disgust. Mr. Krabs, sensing a disturbance in the force with his Jedi greed powers, comes out of his office to see his patrons walking out the door. Mr. Krabs demands to know what SpongeBob and Patrick did to run off all of his paying customers, and they sing the awful waffle (hey, that rhymes!) song again. Mr. K kicks their asses out of the Krusty Krab, and Plankton, spying on them in that creepy way of his, decides to use the opportunity to lure SpongeBob into his restaurant, where he'd force the secret formula out of him using stock villain tactics.

Patrick notices a sign in front of the Chum Bucket with "Free Blowjobs" written on it. Patrick runs into the Chum Bucket excitedly, as a hesitant SpongeBob follows him, and they both end up trapped in a cage, with a microphone in front of them, connected to a giant computer screen. Patrick asks where his free blow pop is, and the question appears verbatim on the computer screen. Plankton rolls his eye and says that the sign said free blow jobs. Patrick says that that's even better, and he drops his shorts in anticipation.

Plankton says that he lied to them in order to get the secret formula or something and that Patrick needs to pull up his damn pants. Patrick does that and, remembering the plot of the episode, says "waffles" a bunch of times with SpongeBob. The word "waffles" appears on the computer screen so much that it overheats and explodes, killing everyone inside the Chum Bucket. The ghosts of SpongeBob and Patrick sing the waffle song as they float up into the great beyond, with the ghost of Plankton screaming behind them.

Next week: Ku Klux Krabs

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Ku Klux Krabs

Found by: Hayden

One day, Mr. Krabs runs out of his office screaming about how dark-skinned fish are ruining Bikini Bottom. Squidward asks Mr. Krabs what inspired him to add bigotry to his list of bad qualities, and Mr. Krabs shows Squidward a book titled "How To Have Sex With a Whale". He quickly realizes his mistake and switches the book for another one describing how dark-skinned fish are out to corrupt the minds of our youth and poison our precious bodily fluids. SpongeBob, quite fond of his precious bodily fluids, cries out in terror. Mr. Krabs announces that all dark-skinned fish are henceforth banned from the Krusty Krab, and the customers, shocked by the owner's racism, leave for the more tolerant Hippie Hub.

Squidward asks Mr. Krabs if losing all of his customers will encourage him to abandon his prejudice, but Mr. Krabs dismisses the retreating customers as "commies" and tells Squidward that he found a group of people who agree with his ideas. At that moment, the trenchbillies from the episode with the trenchbillies come into the Krusty Krab hootin' and hollerin' about "light pride". SpongeBob struggles to make enough patties for the rednecks, and they eventually become so agitated that they shoot the place up. SpongeBob, Squidward, Mr. Krabs barely escape the restaurant alive, and they flee to the one place the trenchbillies would never think to look for them: the Hippie Hub.

The Hippie Hub happens to be the first place the trenchbillies think to look for them, and the trenchbillies ask the Hippie Hub customers where to find a racist crab, an ugly squid, and a dickless sponge. SpongeBob jumps out of his hiding place to assure them that he does indeed have a dick, and they immediately point their guns at him. They ask him where the others are, and he tells them that they are most certainly aren't crawling towards the exit right now. Squidward and Mr. Krabs suddenly hear a barrage of bullets around them, and they quickly rise to their feet. The trenchbillies prepare to kill all three of them, but before they can get a chance, a tear gas grenade explodes from under them, causing them to drop their guns and fall to the ground crying as cops with gas masks run up to the the trenchbillies and slap their fins with handcuffs.

Mr. Krabs says that it's a good thing he called the police on the trenchbillies as soon as he got to the Hippie Hub. One of the cops walk up to Mr. Krabs and asks him if he's the prejudiced asshole who's been denying service to dark-skinned customers at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs says no, but SpongeBob says yes at the same time, and SpongeBob adds that Mr. Krabs is just trying to protect our precious bodily fluids. The cops tell Mr. Krabs that discrimination is illegal and tell him to get in the car. Mr. Krabs asks Squidward to continue his great cause while he's gone, and Squidward says that he hopes Mr. Krabs enjoys prison rape.

Next week: Bubble Buddy 4: Rise of the Planet of the Return

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Bubble Buddy 4: Rise of the Planet of the Return

Found by: jjsthekid

One day, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy shop for Viagra pills at Barg n Mart, looking to spice up their sex life, when they notice the Dirty Bubble purchasing a bottle of bubble solution. Mermaid Man asks the villain what he plans to do with the solution, and he says that he plans to create a bubble army, which he'll use to take over the world. Barnacle Boy says that that's a dickish thing to do, and he and Mermaid Man lunge at their nemesis. The Dirty Bubble floats a few inches higher, causing Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy to miss him, fall to the ground, and break their backs. The Dirty Bubble tells Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy that if he had hands, he'd be flipping them off right now, and then he leaves the store.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy crawl to SpongeBob's pineapple and knock on the door. SpongeBob opens the door and asks the octogenarian heroes what happened. Mermaid Man talks about how they were getting erectile dysfunction pills, and SpongeBob stops him and says "nevermind". Suddenly, the sky fills with Bubble Buddy clones, who simultaneously threaten to jizz bubble fluid all over Bikini Bottom unless the Dirty Bubble is made world emperor. Barnacle Boy wonders why the bubbles look like bald nudists, and SpongeBob admits that he was the one who taught the Dirty Bubble how to blow bubbles.

Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, shocked by this M. Night Shyamalan-worthy twist, asks SpongeBob why the fuck he would do that. SpongeBob tells them that he sold bubble blowing lessons for 25 cents as a side job (Continuity!!!) and that the Dirty Bubble was his first customer in 15 years. Barnacle Boy asks SpongeBob what the weakness of his bubbles is, and SpongeBob says that it's the same weakness every bubble has: if it gets punctured, it pops. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, needing to hear no more, drop their pants and take their Viagra pills, and then they fly up to the bubbles and pop every single one with their raging boners. After they fly back down, SpongeBob tells them that they could have popped the bubbles with their fingers, and Mermaid Man simply says, "Yes. Yes we could have."

Next time: Get Ready To Lol

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Get Ready To Lol
 
Found by: Aquatic Nuggets
 
One day, Dougie Williams is in the Krusty Krab bathroom applying makeup to himself in preparation for Komedy Krab night. When he comes out of the bathroom, Dougie sees that Patrick has eaten his entire cart of pies. Patrick asks Dougie to sign his now-inflated belly, and Dougie tells Patrick to go fuck himself. As Patrick attempts to actually fuck himself, Dougie leaves the restaurant to buy more pies. On the way to the store, Dougie sees a group of pirates carrying a sack of pies onto a ship, and ignoring the voice in his head telling him not to make a business transaction with murderers and thieves, he offers to buy the sack of pies off them. The pirates agree to sell Dougie the sack of pies, and he hurries to the Krusty Krab just in time to watch SpongeBob make jokes about airline food.
 
SpongeBob gets pulled off the stage by a vaudeville hook, and Dougie replaces him, to the audience's glee. Dougie laughs about how easily those assholes are entertained as he throws pies at them from the sack at breakneck speed. Suddenly, there are a series of explosions, and once the smoke clears, Dougie finds that he is covered in fish guts and half the audience is gone. Mr. Krabs yells at Dougie for asploding his paying customers and bans him from participating in the Komedy Krab ever again. Dougie passes Patrick, who's still trying to fuck himself, as he walks out of the Krusty Krab in shame.
 
The next morning, Dougie decides to retire his pie routine and goes to the store to buy a seltzer bottle of water for a kid's birthday party. He grabs the seltzer bottle of whale sperm by mistake, and after making the purchase, he drives to the birthday party in a tiny boatmobile. The children at the party are delighted to see the clown, and when he sprays them with whale jizz, they laugh until their faces freeze. Their parents call the cops, and by the next day, Dougie Williams is a registered sex offender. No longer allowed to perform at the Komedy Krab and no longer allowed within 100 feet of a child's birthday party, Dougie believes his livelihood is over.
 
On the way to the unemployment office, Dougie encounters Patrick, who tells Dougie that he's finally figured out how to fuck himself and asks if he can get his belly signed now. Dougie rolls his eyes and writes "Get Ready To Lol" on Patrick's stomach. Patrick asks Dougie what that means, and Dougie says that he has no fucking idea. He and Patrick laugh, and they walk to the unemployment office together.
 
Next time: Bubble Buddy 5: Attack of the Rise of the Revenge's Return
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Bubble Buddy 5: Attack of the Rise of the Revenge's Return
 
Found by: Aquatic Nuggets
 

One day, Bubble Buddy finds a giant stash of seaweed in his bubble basement. Unsure of what to do, he calls a lawyer, who tells him to sell that shit before the cops get all up in his ass. Bubble Buddy takes to the streets with an ounce of seaweed, partnering up with his old stoner friend Scooter to sell it off. Scooter ends up smoking his half, and Bubble Buddy can't find anybody interested in his half. Bubble Buddy realizes that they'll need someone with a solid customer base, and Scooter recommends drug dealer Tuco Salmonaca.
 

Bubble Buddy sends Scooter to Tuco to try and convince him to sell the seaweed for them. Tuco beats Scooter half to death and tells him that the only drugs Tuco sells in this city is Tuco's drugs, beyotch! Scooter asks Tuco if that's a "yes" or a "no", and Tuco says that it's a "fuck you".

 

Scooter limps back to Bubble Buddy's basement and tells him that Tuco is a dud. Bubble Buddy points out a fly in the corner of the basement and tells Scooter to kill it. Scooter says that it's a fly and that he can't kill it because both of his legs and one of his arms are broken. Bubble Buddy tells him to use the other arm, then he calls the lawyer again to ask him if he knows anybody who would want to sell his seaweed. The lawyer says that that's immoral and illegal, and he knows a guy or two. A few hours later, the lawyer tells Bubble Buddy that he set up a meeting with one of the most vicious drug lords in the ocean: Mr. Krabs.

 

Bubble Buddy puts on his Heisenberg hat and floats to the Krusty Krab the next morning. Squidward tells him that they're fresh out of shampoo, but Bubble Buddy says that he just wants to talk to the sweaty guy who owns the restaurant. Mr. Krabs invites Bubble Buddy into his office, and as soon as the door is closed, he threatens to bust Bubble Buddy's kneecaps for calling him sweaty. Bubble Buddy backs away a little and says that he's just here to sell seaweed. Mr. Krabs asks how much, and Bubble Buddy tells him.

 

Mr. Krabs scratches his chin, then he offers to buy the whole batch for a million clams. Bubble Buddy, shocked to hear such a high number, vomits liquid soap all over the office. Before Mr. Krabs can bust his kneecaps, Bubble Buddy floats out of the office and out of the Krusty Krab. As soon as he gets to his basement, Bubble Buddy tells Scooter to pack up the seaweed. Scooter admits that the fly smoked all the seaweed while he was asleep, and Bubble Buddy yells at Scooter for not killing the fly like he ordered. Scooter says that he did indeed kill the fly after the fact, and then he holds up a fly-colored dooby and asks Bubble Buddy if he'd like a smoke.

 

Next time: Squidward vs. SpongeBob

 

Also, I'll be accepting guest writes, so if you have an idea for a lost episode, just shoot me a PM, and I'll give you instructions.

 

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Fairly Odd-SquarePants
 
Found by: JCM
 
One day, Timmy Turner is watching SpongeBob SquarePants in his room when Cosmo and Wanda poof behind him and ask him to help them get Sparky "fixed". Sparky is cowering in a corner, holding his balls defensively and barking at whoever comes near. Timmy, deciding that an episode about them trying to sterilize Sparky shows that the writers have completely run out of ideas, wishes that he and his fairy godparents were in Bikini Bottom, where there is no shortage of great ideas. A cat that can breathe underwater? A license to produce milkshakes? You can't get that shit anywhere else!
 
When Timmy, Cosmo, and Wanda get to Bikini Bottom, everything is peachy at first, except for the fact that Timmy drowns to death immediately. Cosmo and Wanda, who forgot to give Timmy gills before granting his wish, mourn the loss of their godchild, then they poof his body away so nobody asks questions. They fly by the Chum Bucket, where Plankton, who saw everything that just occurred, decides that he'll take Timmy's place and wish for the Krabby Patty secret formula and take over the world and yadda yadda yadda.
 
Plankton puts on toddler's clothes, which Karen makes him wear during sex sometimes for reasons he'd rather not find out, and he follows Cosmo and Wanda. When they see him, he says that he's a miserable child who could really use some fairy godparents. Cosmo pipes up that they're fairy godparents who could really use a miserable child, and seeing how convenient everything is, they do that "I'm Cosmo, and I'm Wanda, and we're you're FAIRY GODPARENTS" thing with the letters. Unfortunately, the "O" falls on Plankton, killing him.
 
Seeing that they just killed two of their fairy godchildren in one day, Cosmo and Wanda decide that they're bad fairies and prepare to rip off their own wings. However, Mr. Krabs, who walked out of the Krusty Krab just as Cosmo and Wanda killed Plankton with their gimmick, tells them to stop. He explains that Plankton was evil and only wanted to exploit their powers for his own gain, right before trapping Cosmo and Wanda with a butterfly net so he could exploit their powers for his own gain.
 
The next day, SpongeBob walks into the kitchen to find Cosmo and Wanda in a contraption that shoots out ready-to-order Krabby Patties at a rapid pace. SpongeBob runs into Mr. Krabs' office to ask him about those "really ugly green and pink fish", and Mr. Krabs tells him that his services are no longer needed because he found fairies whose magic can improve his bottom line way faster than SpongeBob ever could. SpongeBob is about to leave the Krusty Krab defeated, but he notices customers spitting out their Krabby Patties and saying that they taste like shit. Mr. Krabs watches his customers leave in droves, and he wonders where it went wrong. SpongeBob goes back to the kitchen and frees Cosmo and Wanda, and with the fairies floating over his head, he tells Mr. Krabs that perfect patties are made with love, not magic.
 
"Hey, didn't your show already do that lesson?" said Cosmo.
 
"Didn't your show already do Crocker's origin story?" said SpongeBob.
 
"Touché."
 
Everybody laughs, and Cosmo and Wanda poof away.
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Let's shape up for a moment even though I'm not even in-charge with anything related to this spin-off. First, this is a forum where people write literature based on Spongebob or for any other fandom, as well as being a place for meta-fics on the members of SBC. Second, Jake94, did you have the authority to guest write something like....that? If no authority was needed under rule by JCM, then I'll roll with it.

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