JCM

Cotton Candy Blue
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JCM last won the day on August 9 2016

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3,337 Fry Cook Legend

About JCM

  • Rank
    Goofy Goober
  • Birthday 11/06/1995

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  • Website URL
    http://toondepot.cu.cc

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Pronoun
    ssj4gogita4
  • Interests
    Reading, writing, and the vidya game awards
  • Location
    In your worst nightmares
  • Favorite Episode
    The Soup Nazi
  • Favorite Character
    Gregory House

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Display Name History

  1. Thanks to everybody who voted me into the Hall of Fame. I never did my work as a staff member expecting recognition, but it's always great to be appreciated for your efforts, and this is the highest appreciation there is. So again, thank you.
  2. Happy birthday Alex, Wumbo, and Paper!
  3. PG-13

    Episode 40 Trophy: so glad I remembered my xat password JCM: where the crap have you been the past year? Trophy: I'll tell you all of that in private later Trophy: I'm just glad to see you all again JCM: we're glad to see you, too, troph Hayden: wait a minute Hayden: how do we know that this is the real trophy? Trophy: hello to you too hayden MDPP: I can confirm it's Trophy MDPP: He's on my friends list, and I only add SBC members to my friends list when I know it's them MDPP: Ask JCM MDPP: I saved him from getting banned once JCM: it's true SOF: wb troph Hayden: well Hayden: if it is you Hayden: I'm glad you're not dead Trophy: I'm glad I'm not dead too Trophy: what happened while I was gone? Hayden: I became the most hated man in america Hayden: everybody thought that I was not only working for the aliens but that I killed the old CIA director Hayden: and eventually the new one Trophy: the new cia director died? Trophy: how? JCM: how do you think? Trophy: I actually have no idea JCM: aliens JCM: pretty much everything that's happened in the last two years can be blamed on aliens Trophy: I thought all of the aliens died, though JCM: there's another one JCM: one nobody knew about JCM: and it's still out there Trophy: holy shit JCM: but seriously though JCM: where have you been for the past year? Trophy: wait a second Trophy: okay Trophy: now look outside JCM: why is everything white? Trophy: you're in another dimension Trophy: one where you, me, and hayden can talk alone Hayden: a skype group might have been more effective JCM: how did you do this? Trophy: I figured out how to do it with Xat's server JCM: wait JCM: you have xat's server? Trophy: yeah JCM: i looked everywhere in that desert for it JCM: even bought a metal detector just for finding it JCM: nothing Trophy: that's because it was in the same place I was Trophy: or really Trophy: the same time JCM: same time? Hayden: just tell us where or when you were already Trophy: when Trophy: 1966 Trophy: Xat's server sent me, CD, CF, the cia director, and his tech guy back in time when it got hit by lightning Hayden: why didn't it send me or lizard squad back in time with you? Trophy: you had to have actually touched Xat's server or something Trophy: how is lizard squad, by the way? Hayden: they escaped as soon as brennan disappeared Hayden: I should have done the same thing Hayden: but stupid me trusted in the government to set things right JCM: wait, you were in 1966? JCM: how did you get back? Trophy: a lot of dumb luck Trophy: but we weren't lucky enough to get sent back to the right time Trophy: hence you not hearing from me for the past year JCM: did you just get back? Trophy: I actually got back a few days ago Trophy: but it took me a while to find transportation back home JCM: a few days ago? JCM: didn't xat's text box break a few days ago, hay? Hayden: yeah Hayden: I had to click an emoticon before typing anything Hayden: it was bullshit JCM: well, now we know why that happened JCM: weird time travel stuff Trophy: I have had plenty of time to figure out how to do stuff like this with the server between then and now, at least Hayden: why didn't brennan take the server back from you? Trophy: brennan's chill now Trophy: he doesn't care about the server anymore Trophy: all he wanted to do when we returned was get back home to his wife and kids JCM: he probably wouldn't have gotten his old job back anyway JCM: considering who's in the white house now Trophy: yeah Trophy: one thing I'm glad I missed is election night Hayden: he won almost every state Hayden: including new york >_> JCM: yeah JCM: we really underestimated how terrified people were of aliens JCM: if trump deserves credit for one thing, it's knowing how to capitalize on that Trophy: speaking of aliens Trophy: what do you know about the alien that's currently out there? JCM: not much JCM: it seemed to be looking for the server too JCM: you'll definitely want to keep an eye out for it Trophy: I'm so sick and tired of aliens Hayden: you're not the only one JCM: well, we'll have to keep dealing with aliens whether we want to or not JCM: all of us JCM: there's apparently an alien that got away from the cia 50 years ago JCM: i think it was the same year you went to, troph JCM: and i think that's the same alien i saw Trophy: god Trophy: I hope not Trophy: if it is, we're all fucked Hayden: so Hayden: you want to take us back to our own dimension, now? Trophy: sure thing MDPP: And those are all my kinks Cha: I feel so enlightened JCM: i don't even want to know what i just missed jjs: Where were you guys? Trophy: just discussing some stuff in private jjs: You should know by now that you don't need to keep secrets from us Trophy: fine Trophy: you want to know the truth? Trophy: the whole truth? Trophy: xat can time travel jjs: I know jjs: I'm the one who made up the time traveling thing the first time I saw the flashback of that conversation I had with CNF about American Dad Trophy: no Trophy: I mean it can really time travel Trophy: and I've been away from Xat for so long because it sent me back to 1966 jjs: Okay, smartass jjs: Keep your secrets Cha: can xat send me back to the 90s so I can watch the nanny when it was new? jjs: sure cha jjs: then you can use xat to meet the dinosaurs Trophy: but xat really can time travel... Hayden: forget it trophy Hayden: he isn't falling for it Hayden: we can talk about the actual things xat can do later Trophy: whatever Trophy: also, whatever happened to isb? Hayden: brennan isn't the only person who became chill since you disappeared Hayden: abney promised to unban all of isb's members from sbm if they agreed to a merger Hayden: isb's admins were getting overwhelmed running the forum so they were happy to do it MDPP: He also gave jjs his blessing to make me and JCM admins again, though JCM didn't want it JCM: yeah i like being among the plebes Trophy: thought that said pubes for a second there Trophy: it's a shame it didn't JCM: please go back to being gone trophy Trophy: you want me to bring cd in here to tell bad jokes? jjs: how is cd, btw? jjs: and cf for that matter Trophy: they're both doing fine Trophy: since they can't return to their old jobs, they're starting up a PI business together jjs: cool JCM: it's great to see things returning to semi-normal Katniss: aww is hayden still here? Katniss: I hoped he would be gone by the time I finished dinner Hayden: I know you secretly love me kat Katniss: brb throwing up dinner JCM: yep JCM: almost completely back to normal Trophy: maybe I should consider returning to 1966 Hayden: we missed you too trophy
  4. PG-13

    Episode 39 Virginia (1966) (The alien is in the middle of a forest, chewing on a dead squirrel, when it hears the voice of the alien leader in its head.) Leader: Hello, Citizen 3044 of Sector 19. How are you doing today? Alien: How do you think I'm doing? I'm stuck on this planet with people who want to kill me! Leader: I understand, and I sympathize with you, but you'll have to remain on that planet until we're prepared to launch a full-scale invasion to bring you back and subjugate the creatures who wronged us. Alien: How long will that take? Leader: I do not know, but I want you to know that we haven't forgotten you. I haven't forgotten you. Alien: What if I die before you come? Leader: Then I'll make sure your name goes down as one of our planet's greatest heroes. (The alien throws the dead squirrel into a bush, no longer feeling hungry.) Leader: I sense your frustration, and I'm frustrated myself. These people are stronger than I ever expected them to be, which is why we have to be as well-prepared as possible. If only there was a way to learn about them, without unnecessarily putting you at risk. Alien: Do you know if these people are connected? Leader: There are no mental connections for me to penetrate, but they seem to be forming connections through technology. Once those connections are sophisticated enough, I may be able to use them to get the information I need. Alien: How do you know that those connections will ever become sophisticated enough for us to use? Leader: If those creatures are as smart as I believe them to be, those connections will become sophisticated enough, no more than ten Earth years from now. Alien: Are you sure about that? Leader: Yes, I'm relatively sure. I've conquered many planets. You can trust me. Alien: I do. Virginia (1996) (The alien is showering in a stream when it hears the leader's voice in its head again.) Leader: The connections are finally strong enough. Alien: Finally. You told me it would take ten years, and it took 30 years. Leader: I apologize for misleading you, but don't worry. We're already starting to build technology compatible to theirs, and once it's ready, we'll be able to gather all of the information we need about the planet and its lifeforms. Alien: How exactly are you going to do that? Leader: We'll build a virtual box, through which the planet's creatures will be able to communicate with one another. Alien: A box? Leader: Yes, and everything said on that box will return to the mothership for us to analyze. Alien: Couldn't you have found ways to study their conversations that didn't take you 30 years? Leader: Our options are limited being so far away from them, and even with the box, we'll need a presence on the planet to make sure the box is using the connections correctly and that the creatures of your planet are using the box correctly. That's where you come in. Alien: What do you want me to do? Leader: I need you to find a way to access your planet's connections. Then, use those connections to find a creature we can use as our proxy. Alien: As you wish, leader. (That night, the alien is walking down a street when it notices a box for a Windows 95 computer sitting outside of a house. The alien reads the box, which says, among other things, "Connect to people all over the world with a free month of AOL!" The alien breaks into the house through a window and hears screams from one of the rooms. A man and his fiance walk out of the room, and the alien immediately kills them both. The alien then finds a computer in one of the rooms and turns the computer on. It clicks the AOL icon, and a few seconds later, this screen pops up: The alien clicks "Internet Connection", and this screen pops up next: The alien spends the rest of the night browsing everything on that screen until it comes upon a message board post written by someone from the UK offering free website building services. London (1997) (The alien sneaks out of a cargo ship, holding a piece of paper with an address scribbled on it. Once the alien reaches the house located at that address, it knocks on the house's door, and a man wearing glasses opens it.) Man: Wow, you said you had a condition, but I didn't realize it was that bad. Come on in. (The alien walks into the house, and the man closes the door behind it.) Man: As you know, my name is Christopher, and I've been interested in computers almost as long as I've been alive. Most people in my position are making millions of dollars in startups or whatever, but I only want to use my abilities to help other people/ (The alien points to Christopher's computer.) Christopher: Yes, the website. I'll bring it up right now. (Christopher opens Netscape on his computer, types "www.xat.com" into the address bar, and presses Enter on his keyboard. A site with a black background and a small white text box in the middle pops up. Christopher types "Hello World!" into the text box, and when he presses Enter again, the text "Admin: Hello World!" appears above the text box.) Christopher: There you go! If there's anything else you need, just let me know. (The alien nods and leaves the house. Later that day, Christoper checks the website again, and he sees another line of text under his, saying "Leader: You'll be saying Goodbye to your World soon enough".) Arkansas (2015) (Sam Ballmer sits at his computer, which has a sticky note attached to the side with the words "Hayden" and "Trophy" on it.) Ballmer: Finally. Chief: Finally. Chief: In just a few minutes, I'll be able to cement my place in history. Hayden: I can assure you, you're wasting your time. Trophy: yeah, just leave Trophy: before you humiliate yourself Chief: It's amusing to see how desperate you are. Chief: I'll miss you. Chief: I really will. Hayden: the feeling's not mutual (Suddenly, an alien breaks through Ballmer's window.) Chief: OH GOD Trophy: what (The alien pokes Baller's eyes out with its beak.) Chief: ASDFGHJKKKK Hayden: did chief just experience his first orgasm (Ballmer falls out of his chair, screaming, and the alien sits in Ballmer's place.) Chief: Chief is no more. Trophy: then who's speaking? Chief: You know who is speaking. CNF: welp American Dad's last episode on FOX is on Chief: You'll hear from us again. CNF: lmfao the continuation of the Golden Turd arc (The alien picks up the bleeding, screaming Ballmer, grabs some knives from his kitchen, and walks outside with him.) Trophy: the aliens just killed chief jjs: holy crap Hayden: old jjs said it best Virginia (2015) (A month after killing Sam Ballmer, the alien is back in the forest. It hears the leader's voice in its head again.) Leader: I know you haven't heard from me in a while, but I want you to know that I still haven't forgotten you. Alien: Leader, y-you're still alive? Leader: Don't call me Leader anymore. The only thing I've led was our species to ruination. And I won't be alive for much longer. I'm on the way to Pennsylvania to shoot the kid responsible for derailing my invasion. After that, I'll most likely shoot myself. Alien: Please, don't do this. Everybody else on our planet may have turned against you, but I'm still loyal to you, and you'll always be my leader. Leader: Thanks. That means a lot to me. Perhaps I'll change my mind about killing myself. Perhaps I'll postpone it until after I kill that kid's friend and our former proxy. I don't know yet. If I do commit suicide, however, I'll make sure to send you a signal from my chip first so you know to come and retrieve it. Alien: I hope it's a signal I never get. Leader: Goodbye, Citizen 3044 of Sector 19. Goodbye, for most likely the last time. (The alien does a sign of respect with one of its talons.) Alien: Goodbye, leader. Virginia (2016) (The alien gets a signal from the alien device as lightning strikes it in Texas. Thinking the signal was sent to him from the leader, the alien starts running towards it.) Alien: He did it. He finally did it. All I can hope for now is that I reach the chip in time. (6/15/17) xat.com/thesbcommunity JCM: man, it's been almost a year since trophy vanished jjs: Yeah :/ Katniss: I wish it was hayden who vanished instead Hayden: you do know I can read everything you say about me, right? Katniss: yeah I know (ding dong) jjs: Holy shit jjs: It's Trophy
  5. PG-13

    Episode 38 Texas (2016) (JCM runs towards SG and the alien and uses his shovel to pry them apart. The alien screeches and grabs JCM. JCM spins around and throws the alien into the hole he dug.) JCM: You okay? SG: Yeah, I just got a few scratches. JCM: Good. (The alien jumps back out of the hole and lunges towards JCM and SG. JCM hits the alien as hard as he can on the head with the shovel, knocking it out.) JCM: Those months of working out are finally paying off. SG: You work out? JCM: Well, I do pushups...sometimes. (ssj pulls up beside them in the car.) ssj: You two can flirt later. Find that server before whatever that thing is wakes up. (JCM turns the alien over but doesn't find the device anywhere on it. He looks into the spot the alien jumped out of but doesn't find the device there, either.) JCM: I wish I brought a metal detector. SG: You think it's any deeper in that hole you made? ssj: That's what she said. JCM: Go home, ssj. You're drunk. ssj: If I was drunk, could I do this? (ssj does a doughnut with the car, blowing sand everywhere.) JCM: (coughs) Dang it, ssj! That car is rented! ssj: The car is damaged goods, anyway. SG: (takes out inhaler) You didn't have to upset my allergies, though. ssj: You'll live. JCM: Anyway, if I make that hole any deeper, I'll reach the center of the Earth. It isn't down there. SG: So, what do we do now? JCM: We get out of here and come back with a metal detector. ssj: I'd recommend you get a gun, too, if you're gonna leave that thing alive. JCM: I can handle it. (JCM and SG get back into the car, and they drive off. Minutes later, the alien wakes up, screeches, and jumps into the hole JCM dug.) New York (2016) (Abney and Hayden are sleeping in the warehouse when a large hand shakes both of them awake.) Abney: Huh? Associate: I thought about what you said yesterday, and goddamn it, you were right. Abney: So you're letting us go? Associate: Yeah. Between you and me, the boss has gotten more paranoid, more unstable lately. He knows the cops are closing in on our operations, and this shit with his daughter has just pushed him over the edge. (CF's father appears behind the associate with a knife to his throat.) CF's father: Really? Associate: B-boss! CF's father: You know, you've always been my favorite, which is why I really hoped you would pass this test. Associate: Test? You've been standing outside...for hours? CF's father: Yes, and right when I was feeling good enough about your loyalty to leave you alone with them, you went and pulled this shit. Associate: Please...I have a family. CF's father: I had a family, too. (CF's father cuts the associate's neck and throws him to the floor right in front of Hayden and Abney, who watch in silent horror as he bleeds to death.) CF's father: Guess I'll be watching you two for the rest of the night! (CF's father grabs a chair and sits on it.) CF's father: Don't look so glum! This is a great opportunity for us to get to know each other better! (A pool of blood starts to develop around the associate's head.) CF's father: Let's talk about our love lives! You start, lawyer! I'm sure there's tons of bitches trying to get into those $300 pants of yours! Abney: I...don't have much of a love life. Been too busy with work. CF's father: Work? I have the hardest job in America, but I still set aside time for smashing! What you need in your life is balance. What about you, fugitive? Hayden: The only girl I've been in contact with for the past year is your daughter. CF's father: (laughs) Well, if all you want is my blessing, I'll be happy to give it to you...as soon as you tell me where she is. Hayden: I already told you. I don't know. CF's father: (stands up) You know, I thought we were at a place where we could trust each other. (CF's father walks to the associate, who is still breathing heavily, and stomps on his back until the breathing stops, making the pool of blood larger.) CF's father: Trust...something I may never feel again. (CF's father walks towards the exit.) CF's father: You two don't need a guard. I'm just gonna lock this door. Make sure you think about what I said tonight, especially you, lawyer. You're not gonna come out of this warehouse alive, but I'm gonna make sure you die a better person. (Abney cries.) CF's father: Good...let it all out. (CF's father leaves the warehouse. Abney continues crying until he falls asleep, and he's woken up about an hour later by a ringtone.) Abney: What the? (Abney uses his tied-together legs to kick Hayden awake.) Hayden: Not now, mother. Abney: Hayden? Do you hear that? Hayden: Yeah, it's a shitty ringtone. Abney: Both of our phones got confiscated before we were thrown in here, so where do you think that ringtone is coming from? (Hayden notices a bulge in the dead associate's pocket.) Hayden: (imitating Southern belle) Oh my, oh my! Is that a cell phone in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? Abney: Hayden, he's dead. Don't make jokes like that. Hayden: Sorry. Abney: But yes, that is a cell phone in his pocket, and it's the cell phone that's going to save our lives. Hayden: At least we know what side of the family CF didn't get her intelligence from. Virginia (2016) (Agent Grimes is sitting in Cohen's office, pretending to answer a phone call.) Grimes: Hello! Director Grimes here. How may I help you? (Grimes opens a folder sitting on the desk, and inside of it, he finds pages of handwritten text signed by none other than Richard Helms.) Grimes: This looks interesting. (Grimes puts the folder in his laptop bag and leaves the office.) Texas (1966) (Campbell, CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar drive through the desert, and Edgar notices a black patch of sand.) Edgar: Ever see that before? CF: No, but it's definitely worth investigating. (CF walks out of the car and starts digging through the black sand. A few minutes later, she finds the alien device.) CF: Here it is! (CF presses a button on the alien device to make a hologram appear. There's nothing in the hoiogram, however, and when CF touches it, it shocks her.) CF: Ouch! (As CF puts her finger in her mouth, the others join her.) CDCB: What's wrong with it? CF: It's acting up. Probably a side effect of the time travel. Trophy: Do you think it can still get us home? Brennan: It better! I didn't spend a day in that smelly car for nothing! Campbell: Hey, that's my car! Brennan: And it smells. Campbell: If you do end up stuck in this time period, don't expect a ride back! Edgar: Come on, guys. We're so close. This is no time to argue. Trophy: There's always time to argue! You're a Redskins fan, right, CD? CDCB: Yeah. Brennan: Whoa, what's wrong with the Redskins? Trophy: Besides the name? Brennan: I'd rather have our name and three championships than be a fan of the Eagles and have how many championships, exactly? Trophy: Edgar's right. We shouldn't argue. Edgar: Guys... Brennan: No way, you're not backing out of this now! Edgar: Guys! Look in the sky! What do you see? CF: (looks up) Storm clouds! Campbell: Shit! We don't have any time to build a rig! Edgar: Maybe what you brought along is all the rig we need. (Campbell opens his trunk, and everybody starts taking out guns.) Edgar: The steel these guns are made of conduct electricity, meaning they'll attract whatever lightning strikes happen nearby. (Edgar and the others build a tower out of the guns and put the alien device on top of it.) Edgar: Fingers crossed. Brennan: (to Campbell) Hey, before we go, I'm sorry for calling your car smelly. I do appreciate everything you did for us. Campbell: Thanks. By the way, what's the problem with the Redskins' name? Brennan: You'll understand in 50 years. Campbell: Oh. (whispers) Is it the colored folks? Brennan: Okay, goodbye! (A lightning bolt is seen in the distance. Seconds later, lightning strikes the alien device, causing it to short circuit and causing it, CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar to disappear.) Campbell: My God! It worked! (Campbell dances around the tower of guns.) Campbell: It worked! It worked! My years of temporal studies have finally paid off! Yes! Virginia (2016) (Grimes is alone in his apartment, reading the note he took from Cohen's office.) Grimes: "Hello. My name is Richard Helms, and I was the Deputy Director of Central Intelligence when we made our first contact with alien life. Our director, William Raborn, wanted to establish peace between us and this extraterrestrial species, but our president, Lyndon B. Johnson, didn't believe that they were true aliens, believing instead that they were well-disguised plants of the Soviet Union sent here to spy on us. He ordered us to interrogate them, using any means necessary to extract information about their communist ties. "Raborn quit several months into the interrogation, no longer having the heart to see the aliens treated the way they were. After appointing me Director of Central Intelligence, Johnson gave me the choice to continue the interrogations or let the aliens go. I chose to continue the interrogations, not only to demonstrate my loyalty to the president, but because I knew our chances of peace with the alien species were gone at this point. However, just over a week later, something happened that changed my mind. People randomly appeared in our headquarters with weapons, and I realized we bad a mole in the Central Intelligence Agency. "I wanted to dedicate all of our manpower to finding the mole, so with Johnson's permission, I worked out an agreement with the aliens where I'd let them return to where they came from if they left somebody behind for us to dissect and analyze. I figured since they wouldn't be returning home with peace on their minds, we might as well learn everything we can about them so that we'd be prepared for the inevitable counterattack. I didn't realize that the counterattack would happen within our own walls, however. "During the night of our first experiments, the alien developed amazing abilities and slaughtered every agent in the building. I called the president about it, and he ordered me not to say anything about the night's events to anybody. He wanted me to send flowers to the families of the deceased and track the alien down before it could kill anybody else. I was able to get one of those two things done, but I was never able to find the alien. Since President Nixon is suggesting to me that my days at the CIA are numbered, I probably never will, and if I couldn't find it with six years and all of the resources of the CIA at my disposal, nobody probably will. My only hope is that nobody else dies as a result of my failure to catch that alien. —Richard Helms" (Grimes closes the folder and reflects on the things he's read for a moment.) Grimes: If I showed this to The Washington Post, I'd make millions, but leaking classified documents is illegal and goes against my oath as a CIA agent. (Grimes thinks for another moment and smiles.) Grimes: But I don't care.
  6. PG-13

    Episode 37 New York (2016) (Hayden and Abney are lying in a warehouse, their arms and legs tied together with rope. CF's father walks into the warehouse with a baseball bat.) CF's father: I'm going to ask you this, and I'm going to ask you this once. Where is my daughter? Hayden: I don't know. CF's father: Wrong answer. (CF's father starts beating Hayden and Abney with the bat as his top associate, standing beside the warehouse exit, watches him. A few minutes later, CF's father walks to the exit with his now-bloody baseball bat.) CF's father: You can watch those two while I'm gone, right? (The associate nods, trying his best not to make eye contact with Hayden or Abney. CF's father leaves the warehouse.) Abney: You can't be okay with what he's doing. You know Hayden's innocent. Hayden: Yeah, if I knew where that guy's daughter was, don't you think I would told him by now? Associate: It doesn't matter what I think. I have a job to do. Hayden: The Nazis had a job to do, too, when they did...bad...Nazi...shit. Associate: Thank you for that refresher on German history. I'm still not letting you go. Abney: Come on, have a heart. Associate: In my line of work, a heart isn't something you can afford to have. Abney: You can always afford to have a heart. Associate: You're a big time lawyer. You don't know what it's like to struggle to feed your family. Don't you tell me what I can afford to do, or I'll make what my boss did to you seem like playful exercise! Abney: Okay, you win. Let that madman kill us. It'll be on your conscience. Associate: That's a risk I'm willing to take. (7/10/16) Texas (2016) (JCM limps into a skating rink, where SG and ssj are already waiting for him.) SG: You didn't have to come all the way out here. I would have understood if you wanted to get more rest. JCM: Trust me, the last thing I need is more time with my thoughts. ssj: I assume you won't be skating. JCM: Even if my leg wasn't messed up, I wouldn't let y'all see me skate. I have a very low threshold for embarrassment. SG: So, what did you want to talk about? JCM: Did you ever wonder what it would be like to run Xat...all of Xat? SG: Isn't Xat run by aliens? JCM: I see you've been reading the government propaganda. Xat technically isn't being run by anybody right now. The server is in the middle of the desert, and it's being protected by the giant bird that did this to my leg. ssj: And what, you want to face that bird again? JCM: I have to. If I don't get the server back, the CIA will, and they'll destroy it. I don't know who else Cohen gave the coordinates to. SG: Cohen? JCM: The CIA director, and my boss. Well, he was my boss. He isn't much of anything right now. SG: He's dead? JCM: Yeah. The bird killed him. ssj: And again, you want to face it again? JCM: I'll be prepared this time. ssj: You have one good leg. JCM: Never said it would be easy. SG: You have to let us help you. JCM: (smiles) I was hoping you'd say that. (JCM takes a folded piece of paper out of his pocket, then he unfolds it.) JCM: Here's the plan... Texas (1966) (Campbell, CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar stop at a malt shop in Texas.) CF: This place looks familiar. (A waitress walks up to them.) Waitress: Good morning, everybody. What will you all be having? CF: She looks exactly like the waitress in that coffee shop we went to. (look around) Wait, this is that coffee shop we went to! CDCB: Or will go to. CF: Yeah, whatever. This must mean we're close! (to the waitress) We'll all have vanilla milkshakes. Brennan: Can i get strawberry? CF: Strawberry for him. Waitress: I'll get your orders to you right quick! (The waitress goes into the kitchen.) Brennan: Do you guys actually know how we'll return to present even when we find the server? CDCB: The server sent us here. It must be the key to getting back. Brennan: What caused the server to send us here, anyway? And why did it send three of the fugitives and not the other one, even though he was in the same room? Edgar: I've been thinking about that, and I have a theory. The server forms a psychological link with people who touch it or spend a certain amount of time looking at the hologram that emits from it. It then uses the excess energy from our bodies to power itself. It usually isn't noticeable, but when there's a glitch in the system, you get a situation like the one we're currently in. Trophy: What would cause that glitch, though? CF: (thinks) Lightning! Brennan: Lightning? What is this, Back to the Future? CF: Kind of, yeah. Edgar: I could see that alien gadget's malfunction being caused by lightning, even though such an occurrence is so statistically improbable I shouldn't even consider it. Still, I've dealt with a lot of statistical improbabilities lately. Brennan: So, what are we going to do? Create a rig like Doc Brown's and connect it to the alien device? Edgar: We'll have to find the alien device first, and like I said, this is all theory. Such a rig could send us back to the present, or it could fry the alien device and leave us trapped here forever. Trophy: That's nice to know. Edgar: Just being honest. Campbell: Well, I trust your judgment. Any mind that's learned from me is a mind that knows its shit, pardon the language. Brennan: No, you're fine. I've said worse things in traffic. (The waitress returns with five vanilla milkshakes and one strawberry milkshake on a platter. Everybody grabs a milkshake.) Brennan: So, do you remember how to get to the device from here? CF: I think so. I've made the trip enough times that I should remember by now. Campbell: Then you'll lead the way. (takes a sip from his milkshake) Hey, these aren't bad. CDCB: Yeah, I wish they kept selling milkshakes here instead of becoming a coffee shop. CF: Let's not get ahead of ourselves. The coffee is what kept me sane during that year I had to live with you guys. Trophy: Hey, that offends me! CDCB: Not me. I've learned to proudly embrace my flaws. (burps) Including indigestion. Trophy: You're like a real-life Carl Wheezer. CDCB: I take that as a compliment. Brennan: I'm beginning to seriously consider leaving you two here. Trophy: Doesn't faze me. Just increases my chance of meeting Wilt. CDCB: The basketball player, right? Trophy: (rolls eyes) Yes, the basketball player. CDCB: Dope. (burps) Sorry. Blame the stomach. Trophy: I blame you. Virginia (2016) (Loretta Lynch walks into CIA headquarters. The first thing she notices is Agent Grimes leaving an interrogation room.) Lynch: Hey, you! Do you know where your director is? Grimes: No idea. Haven't heard from him since he left for Texas. Lynch: He isn't answering his cell phone. I'm getting worried. Grimes: I'm sure he'll be back soon enough. Lynch: "Soon enough" isn't soon enough! The fugitive never returned home! Nobody knows where he is! Grimes: The fugitive? I same fugitive I beat to a pulp a couple days ago? Lynch: Do me a favor and never repeat that to anybody. Grimes: Noted. Lynch: The president says that if Cohen isn't back by the end of the day, we're both fired! This is the shitstorm to end all shitstorms! Grimes: Well, if he comes back, I'll make sure to let you know. Lynch: Great. Here's my number. (Lynch writes her number on a sticky note and gives it to Grimes.) Grimes: (pockets the note) And if you want, I can take you out to dinner sometime. Lynch: I eat men like you for breakfast. Grimes: (shudders) Noted again. Texas (2016) (SG is driving Cohen's car through the desert. ssj in in the passenger seat, and JCM is in the backseat.) SG: Does Cohen own this car? JCM: No. He rented it after we flew here.in one of the government jets. Working for the CIA has its perks. SG: Well, I doubt the company you rented it from will take it back in this state. JCM: I couldn't care less. I just want to find that server. SG: I think I found it. (SG stops the car in front of the area of the desert covered in black sand. They see Cohen's decaying body nearby.) ssj: Jesus Christ. JCM: I wish I could have helped him. I know he wanted to destroy the server, but nobody deserves to die like that. ssj: I get the feeling we're next. JCM: We won't be if you follow my instructions. SG, you got the shovel? (SG takes a shovel out of the trunk.) SG: Got it. ssj: Why didn't that Cohen fellow use a shovel? JCM: You know how men in high positions are. They always like to show off. In this case, it turned out to be his downfall. (SG gives JCM the shovel, and they walk to the middle of the black sand, where JCM starts shoveling.) JCM: Remember, as soon as the alien appears, you get to a safe distance and take anything I throw at you. SG: Got it. (JCM shovels for several minutes and gets far deeper into the sand than Cohen got, but the alien is nowhere to found. Suddenly, the alien pops out of another area of the sand and jumps on SG.) JCM: SG!
  7. SOF7

    I wish I knew about this before sign-ups closed. It would have been great to be the interviewee for once.
  8. Mature

    200. Goodbye, Skodwarde? One day, Mr. Krabs is shopping at a grocery store when he realizes that all of the cashiers have been replaced by machines that let customers swipe their own items. This give Krabs the idea to replace Skodwarde with a machine, and he starts shopping for robot cashiers. The next morning, Skodwarde walks into the Krusty Krab to find a robot sitting where he used to. He asks Krabs what the fuck is going on, and Krabs tells him that his services will no longer be needed. Skodwarde storms out of the Krusty Krab, deciding that if he can't be a cashier anymore, he might as well follow his dreams of being a porn star. He takes a bus to Ass Angeles, the worldwide capital of porn, finds a sex doll and three homeless children, and walks into a talent agency with them. "I've got a great act for you," Skodwarde tells the agent. "It's a family act!" "I've seen too many family acts," said the agent. "Not one like this!" Skodwarde turns the sex doll over and puts a tentacle so far up its asshole that it comes out the other end. He uses his other five tentacles to sodomize the sex doll in even more ways, as the children and the agent watch with intrigue. Skodwarde motions for the children to get involved, and they start fucking the sex doll and tentacles like they've been doing it their entire lives. (Which they have, an unspeakable tragedy only Skod would take advantage of.) Once they're finished, the talent agent says, "Goddamn, that's one hell of a good act. What do you call it?" "The Aristocrats!" Skodwarde replies. "Well, how'd you like to be a star?" Skodwarde's pupils turn into star shapes, and he orgasms several hundred times at once. One of the homeless children tugs at Skodwarde's shirt to ask when they'll get paid, and Skodwarde tells the children to fuck off. He then proceeds to work with the agent to get himself roles in every upcoming porn movie. Skod is wildly successful, and a week later, he's the most famous name in porn. Skodwarde returns to the Krusty Krab for a public appearance, and he's immediately swarmed by fans who want his autograph. Before he can sign anything, however, Mr. Krabs gets between him and the fans and tells them autographs are $1.99 each. After everybody pays for their autographs, Krabs asks Skodwarde if he wants his job at the Krusty Krab back, since his tentacles alone would double his business, and the robot he got to replace Skodwarde has the nasty tendency to murder his customers when they order too many things at once. Though Skodwarde used to do the same thing, he at least cleaned up afterward. Skodwarde tells Krabs that his days as a cashier are over, that Krabs fucked up, and that Skodwarde will never set foot in the Krusty Krab again. Krabs is so offended that he tells Skodwarde his pornography isn't even that hot, and that he had better masturbation experiences watching documentaties of how coins are made. SpongeBob overhears this, and he runs out of the kitchen to beg Skodwarde not to leave again. Skodwarde ignores him as he storms out of the Krusty Krab once again and goes into his limousine, which is big, black, hard, and full of seamen. That night, SpongeBob knocks on Skodwarde's door, and a valet lets him in. Skodwarde's house is now a huge mansion, with topless (and bottomless ಠ‿ಠ) porn stars everywhere. SpongeBob asks the valet where Skodwarde is. The valet points to the elevator and tells SpongeBob he's on the third floor of the Skodboy Mansion. SpongeBob takes the elevator to the third floor and finds Skodwarde laying on a bed with a bored expression on his face as people massage his tentacles. SpongeBob asks Skodwarde if this is really the life he wants to live. Skodwarde thinks about it. Though he loved the fame, fortune, and fucking at first, he had begun to tire of it, and spending his days sleeping at the cash register of the Krusty Krab didn't sound so bad anymore. It was certainly less work. He wasn't going to tell SpongeBob that, however, so he ordered security to throw him out. As he's dragged out of the room, SpongeBob simply says the words, "Et tu, Skodwarde?" Skodwarde returns to his agent the next day and asks if there's any more work for him. The agent says there isn't. Skodwarde asks if he's been looking, and the agent says he has. Skodwarde goes to every porn shop in town, and his movies, which used to be front and center, aren't anywhere to be found anymore. He returns to his agent and asks what the fuck is up. His agent responds that porn changes at the speed of light, and what's hot one day won't even elicit a micro-boner the next day. Skodwarde says he wishes he knew this before he spent all of his money, and the agent asks him if he'll still get paid. Skodwarde uses his god powers to make the agent spontaneously combust just because he feels like it. Skodwarde takes the bus back to Bikini Bottom, walks into the Krusty Krab, puts on his employee hat, and sits in front of the cash register. Mr. Krabs sees Skodwarde once he comes out of the office and berates him for crawling back without giving Mr. Krabs notice. Skodwarde tells Mr. Krabs to shut the fuck up and put him back onto the payroll, and Krabs silently goes into his office to do that. SpongeBob, who's in the kitchen behind Skodwarde, says with delight that everything is back to normal. Skodwarde tells him to shut the fuck up, too, and he does.
  9. PG-13

    No, the finale will be later this week.
  10. PG-13

    Texas (2016) (JCM wakes up in a hospital bed. He tries to get up, but a nuse stops him.) Nurse: Don't put any pressure on your leg. It's still healing. JCM: How long have I been out? Nurse: About a day. You're lucky we got you here when we did. Any longer and we would have had to amputate. JCM: Aren't nurses supposed to make patients feel better? Nurse: Sorry. Get some rest. We'll be able to discharge you tomorrow morning. JCM: Does anybody know I'm here? Other than the waitress and you guys? Nurse: No. We weren't able to find any identification on you. Is there anyone you want to call? JCM: I'm good. Nurse: Really? That waitress said you were with somebody else when you stopped at her coffee shop this morning. Are you sure you don't want him to know you're okay? JCM: (stern) I said I'm good. (The nurses nods, hesitates, then leaves the room.) New York (2016) (Hayden is back in his jail cell, lying on the bottom bunk of the bunk bed, when the cell doors open. A guard walks in.) Guard: Good news. Someone posted bail. You're free to go. Hayden: Forever? Guard: You wish. Get your ass out of here. (Hayden follows the guard out of the cell. His cellmate is lying on the top bunk, pretending to be asleep.) Cellmate: (sniffs) Didn't even say goodbye. (Hayden walks out of the Metropolitan Correctional Center of New York to find Abney waiting for him.) Abney: Ready to go home? Hayden: You posted my ail? Abney: Of course. I couldn't let an innocent person rot in there. Hayden: Why are you helping me so much? I've been all over the news as a traitor for close to a year. What are you getting from this that's worth the potential damage to your reputation? Abney: Do you really not know who I am? It's me, Abney, one of the admins on SpongeBuddy Mania. Hayden: Holy shit! That's where I know you! Abney: Yeah, JCM tipped me off to what was going on at CIA headquarters. Hayden: You and JCM are buddy-buddy now? Abney: I wouldn't say that. In fact, he kind of hates me, and it's my fault, but I'm trying to make up for it. Hayden: And this is how you're doing it? Abney: Well, I can't say for certain that he doesn't hate you, too, but it's worth a shot. (Abney and Hayden get into Abney's car and start driving down the road.) Hayden: So, what do we do from here? Abney: Since you're charged with a felony, we'll have to do a preliminary hearing in a couple of weeks. That's where the judge will decide if there's enough evidence against you to proceed with a trial. Hayden: So this could be over in weeks? Abney: Yeah. Hayden: Thank God...if there was a God, I mean. 'Cause there isn't. Abney: Let's agree to disagree on that. (Abney notices several men on motorcycles following the car.) Abney: What the hell? (Abney speeds the car up. The men on motorcycles speed up in response.) Hayden: What's going on? Abney: I don't know. There's dudes on motorcycles trailing us. Hayden: Motorcycles? Could it be? (The men on motorcycles pull out guns.) Abney: Oh, shit! Put your head down! (Abney and Hayden duck as the windows behind and in front of them shatter. Abney tries to steer the car without seeing where he's going, but he loses control, and the car ends up crashing into a tree. Hayden and Abney both have airbags explode into their faces. When they walk out of the car, it's surrounded by men on motorcycles with guns pointed at him. One of the men is CF's father.) CF's father: Long time no see, bitch. Hayden: It's literally been five days. CF's father: Don't get smart with me. You know why I'm here. Hayden: I actually have no idea why you're here. (CF's father shoots his gun into the air, causing Hayden and Abney to jump.) CF's father: How about the fact that my daughter is missing and you were the last person see with her? Hayden: Listen, I know as much about where your daughter is as you do. I swear. Abney: How did you know that we'd be here? CF's father: As soon as we found out Mr. Fugitive was granted bail, we traveled up here waiting for him to get released. Now you're in our custody, boy, and the only payment I'll accept for your release will be my daughter. Hayden: What are you going to do to me? CF's father: You've already seen the inside of one my warehouses. It's time for you to see the inside of another. Hayden: You know people will come looking for me, right? I'm one of the Fugitive Four. People will notice that I've disappeared. CF's father: People can look all they want. They won't find you. Abney: Please. This won't get you any closer to finding your daughter. (CF's father points his gun in Abney's face.) CF's father: I'll be the judge of that. You know a thing or two about judges, don't you, lawyer? I'll need this punk alive to find my daughter, but I don't need you alive, so why don't you shut that pretty mouth of yours? (Abney gulps.) CF's father: Come on. You're riding with me. (CF's father puts Hayden onto his motocycle, and they drive away. Another motorcyclist takes Abney, and they all follow CF's father into the darkness.) xat.com/sbcommunity (ding dong) SG: Hey, do you guys know where JCM is? SG: I tried texting him, but he hasn't responded jjs: No idea SG: Wait SG: I just got a text from him SG: He says he's in the hospital jjs: What? jjs: What happened? SG: I don't know SG: I'm trying to find out now Omair: i hope jcms okay SOF: yeah SG: He says he got wounded by some giant bird thing jjs: Giant bird thing? jjs: That sounds like something out of a Harry Potter novel SG: Yeah, it is pretty weird SG: Maybe he's hallucinating jjs: Weren't the aliens that attacked us last year birdlike? jjs: At least that's what I'm reading from conspiracy theory websites Fred: why are you reading conspiracy theory websites? jjs: I have a lot of free time Fred: but you run a forum by yourself jjs: I know what I said SG: JCM still wants to meet with me and ssj SG: He gets discharged tomorrow SG: Says he'll meet us then jjs: Is ssj good for it? SG: He is Omair: how is ssj in bed SG: Not answering that Omair: come on Omair: don't leave me hanging (ding dong) Omair: mdpp <3 MDPP: Omair <3 Omair: do you know how ssj is in bed? MDPP: I don't kiss and tell Omair: be careful sg Omair: he's after your man SG: ssj isn't "my man" MDPP: Yay! MDPP: More for me Fred: what even is this conversation SG: Once you find out, Fred, tell me MDPP: I'm just pulling your leg, SG MDPP: You know I'd never take ssj from you SG: I'm going to go do SG: Something else Omair: aww we ran her off MDPP: Hey Omair MDPP: See my shiny new Jep Champion badge? Fred: it's easy to be jep champion when the only other band geeks good at jep are mia MDPP: excuses excuses MDPP: I lost Hayden, too, you know Fred: so you lost one good jep player, and I lost two Fred: seems fair MDPP: Keep whining MDPP: It'll make our victory so much sweeter SOF: sweet sweet victory Fred: this place has become a drastic circlejerk Fred: I'll be joining sg wherever she is Omair: y u gotta be so mean to peeps mdpp MDPP: They just hate me cause I'm beautiful MDPP: Any updates on ISB, jjs? jjs: It still sucks MDPP: That's the spirit!
  11. PG-13

    Episode 35 New York (2016) (Hayden and Abney walk into a courthouse, where the judge is already at the bench, and Attorney General Loretta Lynch is at the prosecution's table, reading through documents.) Judge: Now that the defendants are here, the bail hearing can now proceed. Lynch: Your honor, that man has already run from justice once. He is a clear flight risk, which is why you cannot grant him bail. Judge: It's interesting that you say he "ran from justice", because he seemed to have no problem driving all the way to CIA headquarters for interviewing without any type of arrest warrant on him. In fact, he still wasn't officially under arrest when he left, so there wasn't any justice for him to run from. Lynch: I...wasn't made aware that he wasn't under arrest. Judge: It's right here in the records. Did you not speak to Mr. Brennan or Mr. Cohen about the defendant's legal status when he fled the CIA? Lynch: No, I...I just assumed they went through the proper legal process. Judge: Well, your assumptions are wrong, and legally, he was allowed to leave at any time. Lynch: But did he know that? If he believed that he was under police custody when he escaped from CIA headquarters, that would establish him as a clear flight risk. Abney: Allow me to interject, your honor. Judge: Allowed. Abney: If I was kidnapped from my home by federal agents and forced to sit in a dark room for hours answering questions about something I didn't know about, I'd want to escape, too. While being held in the detention center legally, he's shown no signs of being a flight risk. Lynch: Think about what this man charged with. Aiding the enemy. Whether he's a flight risk or not, you can't let him out under such serious charges. Abney: The only serious thing about the charges is the serious lack of evidence connecting him to what he is charged with. Judge: Mr. Abney, this is just a bail hearing. We're not discussing the legitimacy of the evidence yet. Abney: Sorry, your honor. Judge: That's okay. I've considered both sides of the argument, and I've decided that I will be setting the defendent's bail to $100,000. Lynch: What? Abney: Yes! Lynch: Your honor, you have to reconsider this. Judge: The CIA needs to learn that the constitution still applies to them, especailly when dealing with American citizens. This seems like the best way to teach them that. Hayden: Did I mention that they shot me? Lynch: Oh, be quiet! Texas (2016) (JCM and Cohen walk into a coffee shop.) Waitress: What'll you be having? Cohen: I'll just get a coffee and a bagel. (to JCM) How about you? JCM: I don't like coffee. Can you just get me some orange juice? Waitress: Sure thing! (As the waitress heats the coffee, she watches a small television mounted on the wall.) Reporter: The CIA has still not found the three missing members of the Fugitive Four. (Pictures of Hayden, Trophy, CDCB, and CF show up on the screen.) Cohen: You seem really interested in those four. Waitress: Huh? Oh, it's nothing. They were just regulars here for a while. Cohen: You had the Fugitive Four as regulars in your coffee shop? Waitress: Yeah. It's kind of a badge of honor, but I didn't like all the men in black here questioning me after they got captured. Cohen: Yeah, the CIA can be a persistent bunch. (The waitress pours coffee into a mug and hands it to Cohen. She then takes orange juice out of a fridge, pours it into another mug, and gives it to JCM.) Waitress: Your bagel will be coming right up. Cohen: Thanks. (Cohen takes a sip of his coffee, then his cell phone starts ringing. He opens the cell phone and walks out of the coffee shop as he puts it to his ear.) Cohen: Hello? (Loretta Lynch is on the other end of the call.) Lynch: Why didn't you tell me that the fugitives weren't formally under arrest when they escaped from your headquarters? Cohen: I...I didn't know. Lynch: Neither did I, but the judge sure knew, and now our only fugitive has bail. Cohen: Shit. I'm so sorry. Lynch: So am I. When the president hears about this, both of our jobs will be on the line. Cohen: Neither of us had anything to do with this, though. It was Brennan who decided to go and kidnap children. Lynch: Well, Brennan isn't here, and he'll need somebody to take the fall. We're that somebody. Cohen: (sighs) Okay, I'll be there tomorrow and we can figure shit out then. Lynch: If our fugitive skips bail, there won't be anything to figure out, except where we'll be applying for our next jobs. (Inside the coffee shop, JCM is finishing his orange juice when the waitress puts a bagel in front of him.) Waitress: What happened to that guy you were with? JCM: He had to answer a phone call outside. Waitress: Oh. Are you two...together? JCM: What? No, I'm totally, 100% straight! Waitress: Are you single? JCM: (pauses) Actually, scratch that. I am gay. Nice talking to you! (JCM grabs the bagel, drops a 10 dollar bill on the counter, and runs outside. Cohen is still talking to Lynch on the phone.) Cohen: Sorry, I've gotta hang up. I've got company. (Cohen hangs up the cell phone and puts it in his pocket.) JCM: Here's your cell phone. Let's go. Cohen: What's wrong with you? JCM: That waitress hit on me. Cohen: Did you get her number? JCM: No! Why would you ask me something like that? Cohen: I don't know. She was pretty good looking. JCM: Well, I'm not interested in dating right now. I'll leave it at that. I already paid for the meal. Let's find that server and get as far away from here as possible. Virginia (1966) (Richard Helms enters CIA headquarters to find the mutilated bodies of his agents everywhere.) Helms: Jesus Christ. (Helms pulls out a gun and slowly walks through the hallways. He sees that the interrogation rooms are empty.) Helms: Could it be? No. (Helms runs to the laboratory and sees that it's empty, too.) Helms: It was that...thing! We have to find it. (Helms goes into his office and calls Lyndon Johnson.) Helms: Mr. President, we have a bit of a dilemma. Texas (2016) (JCM and Cohen are driving through the desert when they reach the area of it covered in black sand.) Cohen: Here it is. Our destination. JCM: It looks like there was some kind of explosion here. Cohen: Well, it couldn't have been the server because the site is still up. Help me look around for it. (JCM and Cohen get out of Cohen's car and walk around the black sand, studying the ground below them carefully. They aren't able to find the alien device.) Cohen: Time to start digging. (Cohen spends several minutes scooping out black sand until he finds something that looks like a beak.) Cohen: What the... (Suddenly, the alien from two episodes ago pops out and rips Cohen's face off. JCM screams and runs to Cohen's car as the alien races after him. He gets into the driver's seat and closes the door right before the alien can get in. The alien starts poking holes into the door with its beak, and JCM tries to start the ignition, but the car stalls.) JCM: You'd think the director of the CIA would have a better car than this. (The alien is able to weaken the door enough to get its head inside. The alien screeches and starts poking at JCM's leg with its beak. JCM kicks the alien off of him, tries to start the ignition one more time, and finally gets it working. JCM drives away, leaving Cohen, skull exposed and bleeding to death, with the alien, who punches his skull in until it caves. JCM blinks away tears as watches from the rearview mirror.) JCM: You did what you had to do. You did what you had to do. (JCM looks down at his leg and sees that it's bleeding.) JCM: Oh, man. The closest place to here is that freakin' coffee shop. (sighs) I guess I don't have much of a choice. (The waitress at the coffee shop is cleaning her counter when JCM walks in, limping with his bleeding leg. The waitress gasps.) JCM: Help. (JCM passes out.)
  12. PG-13

    Episode 34 (ding dong) jjs: yocm JCM: guess where i'm going tomorrow SOF: canada? JCM: no Omair: new york new york? JCM: no no JCM: i'm going to texas, guys! jjs: what for? JCM: sorry JCM: that's classified JCM: jk we're going to find xat's servers jjs: they're in texas? JCM: yeah, i think cd and the others hid them there jjs: why do you think? JCM: probably because the cia wants to shut xat down SOF: xat is shutting down? JCM: not yet it isn't jjs: aren't you going to stop them? JCM: i don't know JCM: i probably should but meh (ding dong) JCM: SG! JCM: you picked a perfect time to make your biannual visit to xat! SG: I come on more than that JCM: okay JCM: triannual JCM: anyway, i'm going to texas tomorrow! SG: cool SG: we should arrange a meetup JCM: you know if ssj is in the lone star state right now? JCM: i've always wanted to see the beard in person SG: I can text him and find out JCM: you have his number? Omair: ooh Omair: sg and ssj sitting in a tree SG: it's not like that JCM: well, find out and let me know JCM: i'll pc you my number so you can text me JCM: feel free to send all of the embarrassing photos on your phone to me as well SG: not gonna happen JCM: i thought you trusted me more than that JCM: now my feelings are hurt SG: I'll text you when I hear from ssj JCM: thanks (ding dong) JCM: abney? abney: Hey JCM: so are you just gonna be a regular here now? abney: I thought you guys wanted to know how Hayden was doing SOF: not really JCM: couldn't care less Omair: who's hayden abney: Well, he has a bail hearing tomorrow, and I think we have a really good chance JCM: well i guess i'd feel kind of guilty if hayden was murdered in prison so try to keep that from happening abney: I will abney: So abney: How are your days going? jjs: ... jjs: our jjs: days? JCM: what's going on with you? abney: I don't know abney: I just feel like I've been unfair with you guys abney: Constantly being in the spotlight of your father puts you under a lot of stress abney: I feel like that stress is finally coming off of me JCM: good for you JCM: now go tell someone that cares jjs: Come on, JCM jjs: You don't need to be a dick to him jjs: Be the bigger man JCM: you were in diapers when i was in kindergarten jjs: Huh? JCM: i don't know, it sounded smarter in my head JCM: i'm leaving JCM: but if you think asking me about my day will make up for all the crap you pulled, you've got another thing coming, abney JCM: save hayden, make SBC and SBM friends, i don't care JCM: i'm done with you abney: Shit abney: You try to be the good guy and people still treat you like balls jjs: It'll take time jjs: For what it's worth, I forgive you abney: Thanks jjs abney: You were always the one admin I liked jjs: I'm also the one admin jjs: Kind of thanks you, but it's alright jjs: All is forgiven abney: Yeah Bubble Buddy: Hello one and all! abney: Oh, that's still a thing (7/9/16) Texas (2016) (Cohen is driving on the interstate with JCM in the passenger's seat. He passes a sign saying "Welcome to Texas: Drive Friendly - The Texas Way".) Cohen: Ever been this far west before? JCM: No, sir. Cohen: Well, I hope you like it. Wish you didn't have to deal with the Texas heat, though. JCM: It's nothing compared to the South Carolina heat. Trust me. Cohen: (chuckles) Y'all have a lot of humidity, though. Once we reach the desert, it won't just be hot, it'll be hot and dry. JCM: (shrugs) I can handle it. Cohen: I'll get us some water just in case. (Cohen drives onto an exit ramp and heads towards a gas station.) JCM: Hey, when you get the Xat server, what are you going to do with it? Cohen: The same thing Brennan planned to do with it. Analyze it, then destroy it. JCM: Oh. Cohen: You have a problem with that. JCM: No, of course not. You're the boss. (JCM tries his best to hide his emotions as they stop at the gas station.) Massachusetts (1966) (CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar stop in front of Campbell's apartment, run out of the van, and knock on his door. Campbell opens the door wearing a robe.) Campbell: You're back! Edgar: Yeah, and we need to leave now. Stuff went down last night, Baaad stuff. Campbell: It's a good thing I brought these, then. (Campbell walks to his car, and the others follow him. He opens his trunk, revealing every type of gun imaginable.) Brennan: Holy shit. Campbell: Never hurts to be prepared. (CDCB takes a gun out of the trunk, twirls it around his trigger finger, then stores it in his pocket.) CDCB: Oh, yeah. I could get used to this. Brennan: Put that back before you shoot yourself in the leg. CDCB: After how long I've worked for you, you still don't trust me with a weapon? Brennan: No. (CDCB grumbles as he puts the gun back into the trunk. He squeezes into the back seat of the car with CF, Trophy, and Brennan, while Edgar and Campell sit up front.) CF: Are you okay with going over the speed limit? Campbell: (smiles) Ask me something harder. (The car starts going at over 80 miles per hour, sinking everybody deep into their seats.) Brennan: As a high ranking government official, I should hate this, but I don't! Edgar: Enjoy the ride, sir! (Brennan hoots with joy as the car speeds down the interstate.)
  13. PG-13

    Episode 33 Virginia (1966) (CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar walk into CIA headquarters, handcuffed, with agents on both sides of them.) Brennan: I almost missed this place. Trophy: That makes one of us. (Richard Helms walks out of his office and motions for the agents to follow him down the hall.) Helms: I hope you enjoyed your vacation. It's the last time you'll be seeing the sunlight for a long time. CDCB: How's the head? Helms: (growls) It's fine, no thanks to you. Brennan: Listen, we're sorry for escaping, but can you let my parents go? Helms: Those old people we grabbed were your parents? They can't be older than you are! Brennan: It's a long story. Helms: Well, you'll have plenty of time to tell us that story while you're being interrogated. And we'll make sure to send you all to different rooms this time. Trophy: Why didn't you do that the first time? Helms: We were a little low on interrogation rooms, but that's not a problem anymore. CF: Why? CDCB: Yeah, something wild would have to be going on to force you to fill all your interrogation rooms. Helms: That's another long stoy, one I thankfully don't have to tell you. (Screams are heard from the laboratory. They aren't human screams, however, but more like the screams a large bird would make while in pain.) Brennan: What the hell is going on in there? Helms: That's not for you to worry about. (stops) Here are your rooms. Brennan: Wait, what about my parents? Helms: I sent them home as soon as I heard that you were on the way here. (Brennan breathes a sigh of relief.) Helms: But don't forget... (leans closer to Brennan) I know where they live. (After Brennan and the others are led into interrogation rooms, Helms walks into the laboratory.) Helms: Can't you shut that thing up? (Lab technicians are standing around a table. On that table is an alien, which looks like a featherless bird.) Technician: We tried everything we could, but none of the human or veterinary drugs designed to combat pain work on it. Its physiology is just too different from ours. Helms: When do you think you'll extract something useful from it? Technician: We've already learning a ton about it. I've written the important stuff down here. (The technician takes a notepad from under the table and gives it to Helms, who immediatley proceeds ro skim through it.) Helms: Good, good. President Johnson will be happy to hear about this. Technician: Have you two talked about...maybe making all of this public? Helms: Oh, God no. It would cause widespread panic. Technician: They could come back, though. Helms: And if they do, we'll be prepared. Now, you do your job and let me do mine. Any more questions? Technician: (lowers head) No. Helms: Good. I'll be back. (Helms walks out of the laboratory. That night, the alien is still laying on the table, but there are no technicians around it. Only one of its eyes are open, with dried blood all around it. The eye is fixated on the knob to the laboratory's door. Suddenly, the knob pops off, and the door opens. The alien carefully descends from the table and crawls out of the laboratory. An agent on night duty spots the alien and points his gun at it.) Agent: Go back to where you came from, ugly little bastard. (The alien starts to shake, then it lunges at the agent. Trophy, who is locked into an interrogation room, hears the agent's screams.) Trophy: What's going on? (As the alien kills the agent, more agents, alerted by the screams, come out of different rooms. Upon seeing the alien, they take out their guns. The alien shakes again, and the knobs break off of every door in its vicinity. At the same time, the guns fly out of the agents' hands. The agents run away, but the alien easily catches up to them, and more screams echo through the building. Trophy pushes the door of his interrogation room, and it opens. He sees that the knob on the other side of the door has fallen.) Trophy: Holy shit. (A decapitated arm slides in front of Trophy.) Trophy: Holy shit! (Trophy watches as the alien slashes at the agents around him. He goes to the interrogation room next to his and opens the door.) CDCB: Is it morning already? Trophy: CD, you've gotta check this out! (Minutes later, CDCB, CF, Trophy, Brennan, and Edgar are witnessing the massacre together. Once the alien has killed all of the agents, it wipes the blood off its face and walks out of the building calmly.) Trophy: I've had plenty of experience with aliens, but I've never seen anything like that. CF: We have to leave, and leave now. Even if the government knows the truth about what happened tonight, they'll never admit it, and if they can't blame that alien for happened tonight, they'll blame us. Brennan: So what, are we just going back to Campbell's? CF: Yes. We need to get back to our time as quickly as possible. Brennan: What about my parents? CF: Hope they turn out okay. Brennan: And if they don't? (CF shrugs.) Edgar: I'm sorry, Director Brennan. I agree with her. Staying here won't do us any good. Brennan: I should have never stopped by our old place. This is on me. CDCB: No, there's nothing wrong with being sentimetal. If I lost my VHS collection, I don't know what I'd do. Brennan: Losing your parents is a little different than losing your childhood tapes. CDCB: (sniffs) To you. Brennan: Whatever. Let's go. (Brennan grabs a set of keys from one of the pockets of a dead agent and follows CDCB, CF, Trophy, and Edgar out the building. They get into a black van and proceed to drive to Massachusetts. None of them says a word the whole ride there.) Texas (2016) (The alien that escaped from CIA headquarters is crawling through the desert until it reaches a portion of the desert that's charred black with lightning. The alien uses a knife to dig a hole in the black sand, then it gets into the hole and covers itself up with the sand.) Virginia (2016) (An agent walks into Cohen's office and gives him a slip of paper with coordinates.) Agent: Here are those translated coordinates you want, sir. Cohen: Thank you. Agent: When are you planning to leave? Cohen: Tomorrow morning. I already told the lab tech about it. He's gonna come with me, just so we won't have to wait until I'm back for him to start analyzing the server. Agent: You sure you can trust him? Cohen: No, I'm not sure, but he's the best option I have right now. Agent: Well, good luck. Cohen: Thanks. (Cohen looks out the window.) Cohen: I'll need it.
  14. PG-13

    tfw i'm jjs's dad and i'm only like three years older than him irl
Doubloons: $1,102,471


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