”SKY NEWS 6, Robert here!” He said on the television. “We appreciate all your hard work to capture those thieving number stealing aliens and terrorists! Also for those who tried to capture the law breaking, drunk gentlemen on the freeway earlier yesterday. We at Sky News want to bring these criminals to justice. So keep searching for them. And remember, it’s not the number that counts! It’s what you choose to do with your rank!” Robert signed off to an empty news room.
“Sure is lonely without the rest of my crew!” Robert looked at the pile of mangled, dead bodies next to him and sighed out again in boredom. “All this chaos and yet here I am just sitting behind my desk. Might as well get out for some fresh air.”
“And for your SECOND PUNISHMENT.” Kamui tossed away what was left of No Man’s ripped green cap. And kicked him on his side in the snow. Kiyoko and Mikey were afraid but Saitama looked blank face at this display.
“I don’t care if you make me wear all black and grey and make me grow out my hair like you and Ossan, dog. Speaking of him, he's right, you can be a cherry boy brat sometimes. “No Man spat out a tooth and chuckled.
Kamui kicked him in the head.
“Sorry us ‘cherry boys’ can’t our use mircopenises for anything but sloppy seconds of whatever that Bill Ray old man left behind for you left to fuck with. Some of us are busy becoming the ‘king of pirates’!” Kamui joked. He smiled and kicked No Man’s head again.
“And yet somehow we all still love our cherry boy leader like hell, Luffy.” No Man chuckled/deep coughed and was met with another head blow.
“Now for your third punishment, you will act like an actual First Officer for once.” Kamui flung handcuffs next to No Man’s bloody head.
“Huh? Where did you get that plot device from? You don’t look like you have pockets.” Saitama scratched his head.
“Baldy Menace, get Bun Head and what’s his nose’s name out of here. I need to deal with my third in command alone some more.” Kamui said very seriously. “It’s a captain’s duty to scold his crew mates and make them ‘walk the plank’ as they use to do with us pirates back in the day.” He grinned. “Now No Man is walking the plank! Walk it!” He chuckled and kicked him again in the head for the millionth time. He was getting noticable head wounds at this point.
“BALDY MENANCE?!” Saitama yelled.
“WHAT’S HIS NOSE?! How dare you speak to your KING like that!” Mikey barked. “Kiss my rings you peasant alien!”
“Just promise me you won’t kill them, Braid Head.” Kiyoko said as the three walked off but Kamui was silent, still smiling. His foot was now under No Man’s bare and bruised spine.
“I wouldn’t worry about that, Genos friend’s and Tanuki’s Mom. Captain Knucklehead may be an idiot but he wouldn’t have any fun! without those two wipe his ass. And I know, as an expert on fun.” Saitama chuckled but yawned. “He owes me a day I missed at the TBC member discount sale though.”
“IF we get out of this blizzard alive.” Kiyoko and Mikey were shivering insanely, Saitama wasn’t even the slightest cold. “How the...”
“This whole ranking ideal was ridiculous looking back. I just want sweep now.” Saitama said, imagining him knee deep in blankets and a kitty next to his head.
“But I saw you in the corner earlier Eggy. You were raving and fist pumping to yourself about the possibly of getting #1. You even took a several snapshots to some robot guy!” Mikey added.
Saitama shifted his eyes back and forth and pretended to not know what he was talking about.
“Uhh, look! It’s sadist blondes in mini skirts!” He pointed with his red glove.
“Where?! Insult me as you wish you foxy mamas!” Mikey had his arms wide open for no one.
“Jesus Christ..he’s masochistic after all. I knew it... I’m getting out of here..” Sait said slowly in his head while Mikey was kissing and hugging the air.
“I’m getting kind of tired of all of this number mumbo jumbo anyways, my dudes. I kind of just want to go home and kick back. I can always defeat Ozu when he gets back home.” She turned to the American. “How about you Mikes? You gonna raid our fridge again when we get back to the Towers?” Kiyoko laughed.
“Maybe Monday, Kiyizzle.” Mikey looked distant now.
“That was a joke...” Kiyoko said dead.
“I’m not going home. That former obese news reporter is on the loose and it’s all my fault...” Mikey ran far away from them.
“Mikey! Where are you going?!” Kiyoko called out, running along with Saitama. Who ran much quicker than her naturally.
“Hey kid, you might as well need some help with defeating that guy if he’s as bad as you claim, Simoniscool.” The very fast Saitama said behind him, putting his hand on his shoulder. He looked all cool and serious.. and cool. (He told me to say that.)
“Oh yes Eggy, carry me. For your king is exhausted.” Mikey said.
“Dude no way! I didn’t come all the way to Edo to be your mule. And stop calling me that!” Saitama said angrily, back in his egg face form. Kiyoko chuckled.
“But my hypothermia...” Mikey passed out cold and Saitama rolled his eyes, but carried the ginger over his shoulders. “Great, this idiot passed out and we don’t even know where we’re going.”
“I know where I’m going! Home-“ Kiyoko tried to leave but Saitama scowled. “Fine, I’ll just find somewhere else to have a dumpling or two.”
“Oi, that actually sounds kind good right now.” Saitama looking longifully yat the days where it was warmer and he could swim in discount and gas station grub given to him by that cool cyborg fellow. “Hey I wonder where Genos is anyways.” He scratched his eggy head.
“NOT THE FACE!” Blondeless Yamazaki cried as Sacchan and Tskuyo threw ninja stars at him. He just barely avoided them as they hit the wall behind him.
“THIS IS FOR TAKING SCREEN TIME FROM ME AND MY GIN-SAN!” Sacchan battle cried.
“Screen time? I didn’t realize that’s something we needed here.” Straight face Tsukuyo said. Sacchan paused immediately.
“OH here we go again Tsukki trying to act all cool! Well listen here missy! You didn’t even HAVE a number over your head! You’re lucky to even be in this fanfiction after four other arcs have ended!” Sacchan hammed it up as usual.
“W’ever.” Tsukuyo shrugged not even mad. Yamazaki saw this fight as an excuse to crawl away.
Unlucky for him though, a missle nearly blew off his face. It silenced the entire angry mob of women against the police.
“EHH? Did this missile accidentally strike some pretty ladies? That would be a shame.” The old man pushed up his glasses.
“POPS!” Yamazaki said.
“Oh look, I finally found a tissue to wipe my nose in. That damn car of yours didn’t have any on the ride over here.” Katakuriko took off Zaki’s number, causing Zaki’s head to bleed a little. The old man then blew his nose into it and tossed it over his shoulder.
“K-Katakuriko-san!” Hijikata woke up from his daze on the floor.
“I didn’t know this squad of Shinsengumi composed of a pair of broken legs and a -1.” Katakuriko added.
“Oi, you can blame Mayo 13 over there, pops.” Defeated Sougo said, his injured face still planted in the ground.
“How DARE YOU INTERRUPT us!” Otae said in a pissed off manner.
“My apologizes for my disappointing men, miss.” He handed her a roll of dough and walked up to Hijikata and kicked him a bit. Kondo ran up to his superior officer as well.
“‘Tis shame what people run over as roadkill these days..” Katakuriko rolled his neck, still kicking Hijikata who remained silent.
“TOSHI! Big Blue saved us and brought Pops! But something is even more important. There was a huge mob earlier against two yato and Katsura and Takasugi.” Kondo turned lovey dovey eye to Elizabeth and Otae. Otae proceeded to punch the gorilla and Elizabeth laser eyed him. Katakuriko went back to Yamazaki, who saluted very nervously towards him.
”Oi twerp, if you don’t show me where the Shogun is on the count of three, I’ll use this item to slice your head off.” Katakuriko picked up the 9 rank he used earlier to blow his nose into. “Three.” He tossed it at his head. It left a scar on his cheek but thankfully didn’t slice his head off.
“W-WHAT HAPPENED TO ONE AND TWO?” Yamazaki cried.
“A man doesn’t anything but three.” He said.
A bit later..
“Sorry Jimmy, I got your anpan though!” Gonard said slipping into the back of the car with him and two others.
“It’s okay buddy, sorry I was such a jerk earlier.” Yamazaki smiled.
“Oi, it’s gonna take a lot more than just apologizing to make up for what you did Yamazaki...” Hijikata slid into the driver’s seat, not looking at him but Yamazaki still felt a shiver go down his spine. Sougo sat in the shotgun as Kondo laid happily on the roof again.
“Let’s go Toshi. Pops will have our heads if we don’t find the Shogun.” Kondo was bare naked, shivering like a leaf.
“OI JUST GET IN KATAKURIKO-SAN’S CAR, KONDO!” Hijikata had an angry vein on his head now.
By the way, who are these people and why are they frozen in ice blocks?” Yamazaki asked.
“I saw these two on the side of the road again!” Gonard said, pointing to Genos and Yes Man.
“P-p-please contact my Sensei.. He was waiting for us for several days..” Genos managed to say.
“Oh hey look they were knitting! How cool is that, Jimmy?” Gonard smiled.
Abuto was laying snug in his fuzzy warm bed in the Kiheitai ship in the middle of the night in Earth hours. His mini rank one over his head still visible. Suddenly phone started to ring loudly, blasting this tune.
“Uuugh.” He turned on the light and flipped open it.
“Vice Commander! Where the hell did you and Chief and First Officer No Man go?! You said this Earth trip would only take a few days this time! Do you know how many elders have my head in a lock right now because of this?!” 4th Random Ass in Charge Yato yelled.
“A happy holidays to you too buddy. I know, I know. It’s a long story, Ass. Heh, Chief has really left jumped off his rocker this time.” Abuto said, putting his hand through his sleepy head’s mullet.
“If you three miss out on any more of our missions, they’ll be forced to-“
“Let me tell you Ass. Have me, Captain Luffy or the green guy ever been nothing but on duty every single time and debunk several of the Harusame’s issues with many greedy slimebags? And how many times have we eliminated threats that could potentially harm the entite Harusame? A literal God? A man who had the power to jump into other dimensions? We’re also dealing with another crazy killer at the moment.” Abuto said.
“I’m telling you as a friend Abuto, please get back onto our ship for the better of all of our necks. They all love the 7th Division so let’s keep it that way.” Ass added.
Abuto signed off and put his phone on the nightstand. He stretched and sat up in bed.
“If Captain Brat on Earth makes me lose my job, I guess that’ll give us more time to play like little baby bunnies.” He put back on his regular clothes and started to walk towards the door but he saw Bansai walk in his room.
“Oh hey tree man, what’s up-"
“I see you, Shinsuke-sama and Shinsuke’s Joi patriot friend have risen above high in numbers. Well obviously I wouldn’t steal my captain’s ranking so..” Bansai move to the side, Matako with her gun and Takechi were there as well. It appeared Bansai and Matako did have Takasugi and Katsura's ones over their heads.
"WE'RE IN THE BATH! LEAVE US ALONE!" Zurako shouted from the other room.
"Together..?" Matako wondered.
Meanwhile two friends were enjoying a bubble bath!
“You lying bundle of leafs...” Abuto positioned himself, ready to fight to defend his high rank if needed. “I’d trade you my one for a five though if you had one.” He joked.
“Couldn’t this wait in the morning? I was having the most pleasant dream.” Takechi rubbed his eyes, holding an anime school girl pillow.
Matako and Bansai proceeded to beat the feminist up, leaving Abuto room to escape to a safety pod. He hoped that midget bomber and crossdresser were alright, but he had to protect himself too.
“Ass you better be close by..” Abuto said dislounging the small vessel from Shinuke’s ship.
Out of a miracle his ship actually was only a few miles away, flying towards him. Abuto steered towards it, eventually landing the little pod inside the ship. He opened the door, his men surrounding him and helping him out. 4th Ass the strong yato was also there and walked up to greet him with a few other officers.
“Vice Commander, what’s that one above your-“ 4th pointed at it but Abuto lifted his hand up, cutting the conversation short.
“We can continue working Ass but we need to let Chief have his space for now.” Abuto said.
“How about this space? It looks nice!” A voice said behind them.
“C-CHIEF?!” Abuto swung around and 4th slapped handcuffs on him.
“4th Ass... You know I had a feeling this was a set up.” Abuto rolled his eyes.
“I’m sorry Abuto but I have a duty towards our superior officer.” 4th replied.
“Oh my, did you really think I wouldn’t contact my own ship first, Abuto?” Kamui smiled. “Or should I say, our First Officer called the ship first!” Kamui pushed out No Man with his foot. Who was badly bleeding and wounded wearing nothing but cuffs and his boxer shorts.
“Jeez Chief, you gonna remove the poor man’s tiny ballsack while you’re at it?” Abuto asked.
“HEY!” No Man barked but winced in pain a second later.
“That’s quite the soft mentality for a ruthless pirate vice commander.” Kamui chuckled.
“Well you know me, I don’t like hurting our own kind..” Abuto said with a false, grinding teeth smile.
“Chief, we really should patch up the First Officer’s wounds.” 4th reasoned.
“HA!” Kamui snapped his fingers and walked away. His men grabbed Abuto and No Man’s shoulders as they made their way down the hallways of the ship, Ass following close behind.
“You okay Shorty?” Abuto looked a bit worrisome to his friend.
“Do I LOOK okay?” No Man replied.
“Sorry I didn’t bring back your sunglasses. Kind of got caught up with a plant, a firearm nutcase and a pedophile and I forgot.” Abuto said.
“I never get what you’re saying sometimes” No Man silently chuckled and Abuto did likewise.
The men holding back the two pushed them into a pod. Their Chief looking on with crossed arms but still happy.
“What are you gonna do? Throw us overboard you smiling idiot?” Abuto said to the redhead.
“Zàijiàn! Take good care of my ship while we’re gone again, Admiral Asshole!” Kamui closed the pod’s door with him and the two inside.
”That’s 4th Ass....” He said, looking dead.
Kamui stepped in front of them and set a course towards Earth on the control panel.
“Wh-what are you?” No Man said puzzled.
“Why are YOU almost naked? I thought you were my green half bastard!” Chief pulled out a new jumpsuit. “I had to look everywhere in your room for a clean one! All the others have dirty tissues inside, Ha!”
“Ch-chief...” No Man begun to tear up as Kamui removed their cuffs.
“There we go again, this wounded Halfster with the tears!” Kamui said.
“Chief, why are you doing this? Why are you helping us?” Abuto asked defensively.
“Do you know how bored I was with those other guys on Earth? Ha! They have no sense of a bunny’s version of fun! Plus that skinny ass Bobert guy is starting to piss me off really badly. I guess that happens with every baldy I come across!” Kamui pressed more buttons, causing the ship to go slightly faster.
“Who’s Bobert, Chief?” No Man asked innocently but coughed up some blood.
”Remember that guy who ordered out the death decree on your asses back there?” Kamui said.
“Sounds like a good revenge plan, if we can find this guy." Abuto then looked intensively at his boss. "So...You’re not after for my rank one?”
“Do you THINK a dumbass, dusty ol' number over an old man’s head would excite me? HA! You make me laugh, Cyrus.” Kamui chuckled, he flung his own ranked 6 over his head away from him.
Abuto smiled as did fading in and out No Man.
“Guess this dumbass dusty ol' number shouldn’t excite this man neither neither.” Abuto tossed aside his one rank and it landed on Chief's number.
Meanwhile, No Man coughed up more blood and then passed out completely.
“I think we’re gonna have to patch up No Man first, Chief..” Abuto said more concerned now.
“You think, Abuto?” Kamui grinned.
“What a weird man outside..” Ozu said to his silver haired companion.
“This must be the Denny’s, it’s the only one in Edo anyways. Took ol’ Kagura and Shinpachi here the other day to scout the dumper for food- uh I mean I bought them breakfast.” Gintoki said.
They saw Umibozu and Gendo sitting at a booth in the corner. Gendo with his hands and head in his lap, much like someone related to him perhaps.
“You two are alive!” Umibozu said thrilled but then rolled his eyes. “You two are alive..”
“Nice to see you too, Baldy. You know your ass got as drunk as ours, so don’t act like it wasn’t your fault.” Gintoki added.
”IT’S ALL THREE OF YOUR FAULTS!” Gendo shouted.
“SHUT UP HASEGAWA!” The three of them yelled and people in the diner all stared at them.
“Look, at least we’re all still alive, men.” Ozu said, straightening his tie. “But rankless.. I feel like less of a man.”
The others sighed out agreeing and missing their own ranks.
Gintoki got in the booth next to Umibozu, Ozu next to Gendo.
”I’m suprised you’re not gonna abandon us, homeless fellow.” Ozu said and Gendo clinched his glove wearing hands.
“I’m not homeless nor am I a cardboard wearing hobo. And besides, you guys kind of destroyed my fucking car so I can’t go anywhere right now...” Gendo said, putting his face back on his lap as the waitress came up to take their orders.
“Look on the brightside Hasegawa-san, if you stick with us dads at least we won’t pull the whole drunk car ride cliche for the third time in a row in the next arc.” Gintoki opened up a complimentary sugar packet just to savor it on his tongue.
“It’s not like I could go home if I still had my car anyways. I lost my kids somewhere and my robot wife would literally blast my head off.” Gendo sighed and then the other three dads sat in silent shock.
”WHERE ARE OUR KIDS?!” They all said.
“At least I know that Kiyoko is watching your son, Baldy. But she should have been watching our own sons/my employees more carefully!” Ozu said annoyed.
“Don’t speak to the Princess I love like that- I mean Kiyoko like that, Old Man!” Gintoki said angrily.
'Producer, it's more like your wife is scheming with my idiot son to take us all down again probably." Umibozu said, playing with the salt shaker.
”Well I guess our next mission is to find our kids before our wives destroy us.” Gendo added.
”I’m thinking that even in heaven, my wife would pound me silly if she knew I didn’t know where they were.” Umibozu added.
“I thought you never know where your kids are, Baldy. And Shinpachi and Kagura’s princess godmother would kill me-“ Gintoki had his lips twisted by Ozu while the silver haired man was still savoring some sugar packets.
“No Yorozuya, I will kill you before that.” Ozu added.
“That’s odd..” Umibozu pulled out a blinking pager.
“That we keep inviting this old dude to our gatherings?” Gintoki said, fixing his twisted lips from Ozu’s wrath.
“No I wasn’t suppose to have any work much this week..” Umibozu started reading the message on it.
Gendo pulled out his phone, it was also ringing. “I better take this, it’s from my Major.” He got out of the booth and went outside for a second but came back a few minutes later. ”Apparently my NERV censors have in an Angel in our presence. Alien in other terms anyways.” He closed his phone with the wallpaper of Unit 001 in a bikini and slid back into the booth next to Ozu.
”Oi Hase-san, we’re all surrounded by Amanto here, there’s literally one in this booth right now with us.” Gintoki added bored. “When’s that food coming anyways? It’s been like forty minutes.”
“No, the homeless man right. I just got word from the government about a hostile alien.” Umibozu put back his pager in his pocket.
”I’M NOT A HOMELESS MAN AND MY NAME ISN’T HASEGAWA!” Gendo yelled, the other customers giving them stink eyes again.
“Could you two be a little less vague?” Ozu asked. “And damn, where’s my flapjacks?!”
“Supposedly there’s several individuals who reported in all this ranking craziness, cocoons. Like these large insect like cocoons that no one’s ever seen before have been plastered around Edo in the last two days. Others have been informed missing or morbidly obese suddenly.” Umibozu recalled.
”Er what?” Gintoki said. Him and Ozu were so hungry at this point they were eating honey off a plate with a spoon and knife.
”I don’t know either.” Gendo shrugged. “It’s just a bunch of mysterious string of crimes from what I'm hearing too.”
“Look, all I want to do is steal my kids’ ranked numbers- I mean find them and eat some waffles on the way there. We’ll let you two alien experts worry about this, eh Old Man?” Gintoki took a big gulp of the sweet syrup.
“Hmm, if I help defeat this thing. It would gather a lot of good press report when Lilymu has been pretty slow lately..” Ozu was thinking.
“OLD MAAAAN.” Gintoki whined and sighed. “Fine, I guess I have no choice but to join. I do want to keep my screen time on this fic regular as the main character obviously.”
“It’s settled! First we find the kids and then we save the day.” Umibozu pulled out a tracker. “All we need to do is set this puppy to pick up some weird unique alien waves..”
”You mean like you three?” Gintoki said and was met with a slap to the face by all three of the dads.
“Hmm, now how do I pry that 0 off your head, Mr. Shogun sir?” Robert held his reporter mircophone to his face but he wouldn’t speak.
“Silent treatment eh? You’ll regret that.” Robert punched him hard, leaving him unconscious. He slug his body over his shoulder and sat him next to the body of the other corpses. “Will be back to feed on your energy later, Mr. Shogun Sir. But for now, it’s time for the hourly weather report!” Robert straightened up his tie and got in front of a green screen.
“HEY SKY NEWS SEVEN! I GOT A BREAKING NEWS REPORT FOR YA!” Kamui kicked Robert on the floor with a heavy thud and stuck his shoe on his cheek.
”It’s Sky News NINE.” Robert managed to crawl out of his grasp by kicking his other leg. “YES! I was waiting this entire time for you three you RANKLESS SPOTLIGHT STEALERS.”
”What are you talking about? We’ve never met you before in our lives” Abuto tried to approach him slowly.
”Yeah dog!” No Man crossed his arms.
“Oh it was so very convenient for you to three to revive this TBC series..” Robert evilly looked at them, using a camera stand pry himself up.
“We do work some magic, don’t we?” Chief happily nodded as did his boys.
“-LEAVING ME IN THE DUST! WE WERE BOTH APART OF THE NEW WAVE OF CHARACTERS! THIS JUST IN, THE BOBBY'S PISSED NOW!” Robert slowly but still physically turned into a giant black worm creature with spiky teeth. The trio stepped back in utterly in shock.
“W-what the hell?!” Abuto yelled out.
”HOLY JESUS!” No Man said scared.
”Damn! That’s like out of somethin’ Halfy reads behind closed doors!” Kamui added.
The black worm alien lashed out at No Man, causing him fall back.
”NO MAN!” Abuto shouted. “He was already badly hurt you bastard!"
”I-it’s... a good thing.. I was in the very first TBC story before my buddies here... as a gag about having a steel plate in my chest..” No Man got up, wiping the blood off his nose.
“Damn! Where’d ya get that thing, Halfster?” Kamui chuckled, taking his stance and he jumped into the air. “You may look like a nasty dirt noodle now, but you’re still a baldy. And I HATE GODDAMN BALDIES!” Kamui landed a heavy blow, the creature screeched in a high pitch noise. Robert morphed back into his false human state.
”What the hell even was that?!” Abuto asked the laughing news reporter.
”Oh, I’d love to explain my plan really would! But first I’d like to elimante you three!” Robert transformed into it again.
Although they tried hitting and shooting it with their umbrellas, they kept missing the slimey creature at every turn. Finally it grabbed a hold of No Man and Abuto. Both ends of the worm forced itself down their throats, the two tried grabbing as they were gasping out for air.
“LET MY BUDDIES GO, HA!” Chief kicked and punched the alien. Finally stabbing Robert with his umbrella, causing him deep pain. As Robert turned back into a human again, Abuto and No Man bodies fell on the floor. Kamui ran up to them and put their heads on his lap. “C’mon you idiots, you can’t leave me here! Who will I have fun! with?” Kamui did a double take, his friends were obese, several times larger than their normal sizes.
”Well, it looks like you’re next, Fat Chief! Or should I say, F.C.!” Robert transformed again.
As he jumped after Kamui, Kamui grabbed a hold of his mouth in the knick of time. The teeth were a mere inch away from his face, worm Robert was screeching loudly.
“I’d like to see you goddamn TRY to make me a fatass!” Kamui smiled, letting go of his grip and open arms embracing his fate. Robert took this chance and shoved himself inside his throat. But shortly after Robert flung himself out of Kamui’s mouth, turning into a human.
“WHY DIDN’T YOU GET FAT LIKE YOUR FRIENDS?” He yelled.
“Feed me all you want Thin Pin Baldy, but back on Yato they call me the Tiny Glutton, Ha! C’mon boys! This guy wants us to fight in a joke arc? Let’s fight jokingly style!” Kamui grinned evilly.
"But we're all fat-" Abuto said but in that second, Kamui gave them BIG BEAR HUGS causing the fat goo to be squeezed all out of their mouths. They got back into battle stance.
"WHAAAAT?!" Robert said stunned at their chiseled bodies.
"REPENT MOTHERFUCKER!" Kamui yelled at the top of his lungs.
“I’m gonna throw up..” No Man said, still critically injured but looked fabulous on stage at least.
"Please don't let me turn into black and white, I want to look cool... Well as cool as I can in this dress." Abuto added.
“Be back there in twenty minutes, Old Dog! Got the pizza and the mags, holmes.” No Man said his cellphone.
As he was walking with the goods he immediately froze at what was near him. A few blocks down, a braid headed teenager had just landed with a heavy thud to the ground, a slightly older, sighing, one following him. The kid took a heavy slug at the building closest to him.
“Y-yato..?” No Man dropped all the stuff he bought Brozu.
“Hey! This trip may have interrupted meal time, but don’t do that! We don’t have the budget for your temper tantrums.” The older one said to the younger one.
“Say Abuto, why are we here in Tokyo again? Just look at all these fancy buildings though oooh.” Kamui marveled at the sights above.
“Eh, you’re just using me as an exposition device. But very well. We were gonna shake money out of some old astronmist science guy for the debt is all.” Abuto said.
“You’re lying to me Abuto.” He smiled.
“Pfft fine. What I said was true, but supposedly it was rumored with some people that his wife was of scientist from Yato who was conducting similar studies and rogued off three decades ago to live here. Eh, both dead anyways.”
“That is quite the story, Old Man. What kind of old hag would abandon their life to live among humans?” He grinned.
“Beats me, we’re just picking up his unpaid stuff anyways. Elders already have had their heads.” He shrugged and No Man gasped.
“I feel like we’re being watched Ossan. Hmm.” Kamui said.
Before No Man could hide, Kamui was already behind him and about to strike. No Man quickly blocked the blow, a large vibration wave from the impact. But he was panting from high fear and sweating.
“No way Abuto. Haha! My prediction was correct. This guy’s one of us!” Kamui let down his hands, giving No Man some time to breathe.
“Are you sure? He’s not carrying an umbrella in all this sunny sunshine.” Abuto stared at No Man, the man still panting from the red head’s strike.
“Mmm, that must explain his darker skin! Too much sunlight. You must be strong in order to not be using complete sun protection. How awesome!” Kamui smiled.
“Oh uh... all I really need are my sunnyglasses and this cap, dog.” No Man shrugged. He then realized all the stuff he dropped and tried to pick it up, but Kamui was already eating the box of pizza. “Hey! That’s for my boss, man!” Within the next second, the redhead downed the entire cheesy pie.
“Sorry about that, we kind of interrupted our Chief during his dinner so.” Abuto handed No Man some money.
“O-oh thanks..” No Man was still in awe from seeing his kind for the first time.
“Well, me and Chief here got to get back to some business, see you around...?” Abuto paused.
“No Man.” He answered.
“Eh, you could have just said you didn’t want to say your name.” Abuto shrugged and walked away, Kamui followed but waved goodbye at No Man.
“But that’s my actual name...” Sweatdropped No Man said to himself as he waved back.
“Hey what’s with giving him money, we are pirates! We don’t give, Old Man!” Kamui seen smiling and could be heard saying that from a distance until they got further “Hey Abuto. Do you think that was the bastard child of that rogued couple that got their heads chopped off by the elds?” He smiled.
“That’s a pretty straight forward guess.” Abuto scratched his achy breaky chin.
“Well I’m a straight forward kind of guy!” He chuckled.
“Yato... carry umbrellas?” No Man said in his head, scratching it while he was still standing there, the money sitting open palmed in his hand.
“I completely forgot that was what they came to Earth the first time.. to just take from my old man. I didn’t know they knew all that about me though..” Present day No Man started to feel insecure now.
Him, Kamui and Abuto were strapped to tables in the news room, a weird black goo substance bounded their legs and arms so they couldn’t escape. The news studio's television screens were displaying their memories by Robert placing his fingers on their heads. Robert took notice of No Man’s sadness and smiled, his plan for separating them slowly working.
“No hard feelings Short Man, we were just doing our job.” Abuto tried to comfort him but No Man looked away.
"Well boys, I guess that costume changed didn't do a damn thing for us fighting wise." Kamui smiled.
“Keep feeding your negative energy. For once it’s filling this skinny boy up and draining your life essence! ” Robert tapped his stomach loudly, it grew a bit.
”Can you tell us what’s going on now, Bobert?”” Kamui smiled but clinched his fists. “I AM NOT MISSING HAIR BRUSHING OR BRAID TRAIN TIME FOR THIS!”
Robert’s stomach grew even bigger from this and the three got weaker.
”Chief, please don’t get too upset..” Abuto plead.
“Ahah, you can call me Fat Bobby now or F.B. You see boys. I come from a very, very distant planet. Some might say we traveled here through a black hole, just to feed off of other planets’ life energy!” Fat Bobby answered.
“That’s pretty far fetched, dog..” No Man was met with a slap by F.B.
“Hey, if you’re gonna slap him at least let me join in on the fun!” Kamui smiled.
”But it seems I’ve got a little too comfortable on Earth and all my bretherns left without me... But I so do love this water marble, hence why I settled down and became a news reporter.” F.B. teared up but then looked more serious. “I blame YOUR DAMN WORLD FOR MAKING IT SO COZY! I’M THIN AS A PIN WITHOUT ANY ENERGY TO EAT! OR FAMILY!”
”Have you tried Denny’s?” Kamui suggested. “And you would think with all this power you’d cure your male patterned baldness."
“We’re not even from Earth you fatso.” Abuto said annoyed.
”Yes but he is... oh he is.” F.B. looked at poor No Man. “And you three took away my only happiness, making Mikey Simon pay for ignoring his chance to join Sky News 9. I STARVED BECAUSE YOU THREE RUINED MY MOTIVATION TO KEEP LIVING!”
“It’s just a fanfiction, dog.” No Man said.
”Tell me, where would you be without this story, Green Man?” He grinned.
“Well actually my dog, Kappa Mikey was just announced as revived-“
”SILENCE! Now then, how about the time Kamui abandoned his friends over his egotistical pride?” Bobby smirked.
”You’re gonna have to be more specific there. Jinx!” Abuto and No Man said and somehow even though Kamui was restrained he managed to kick them.
“Fine then, how about the time ol’ green guy here almost killed his beloved Chief by pushing him over a cliff all because of one little insult about his little man berries? Or how alone ol’ Ossan was when he abandoned his long time buddy Chief earlier?” Bobby smirked.
”It was painful..” Abuto started to to some serious thinking.
”It was an accident! I didn’t realize purgatory acted on our emotions and that cliff wasn't even there when I pushed him!” No Man shook his head in horrific memories.
“And it seems like your emotions will be acted out here as well.” F.B. smiled, getting a bigger belly.
“Oi! Stop feeding him you thick yatoheads!” Gintoki yelled out, busting open the doors of the news station.
“Ha, I miss those purgatory powers even though the slurps SUCKED ASS. I MEAN BLUE SLUSHEES?! DISGUSTING!” Kamui raged up.
F.B. got slightly bigger again, chuckling.
”KAMUI! Keep your anger inside and just smile like usual! This is a powerful alien from another galaxy!” Umibozu called out.
”SHUT UP, I KNOW THAT BALDY BASTARD!” Chief smiled but still yelled, Bobby got bigger and laughed tremendously. The dads tried to approach him but he stook his ever getting fatter hand out in front of them.
“You all can’t win. If you touch them, I’ll eat their insides out. But any negative emotion and they’ll soon implode from their energy being completey drained out of their yato bodies!” He laughed hysterically, the dads tried not to look upset, less the alien read their emotions. “Anyway, OR LESS WE FORGET THE MOMENT YOU THREE ALIEN BASTARDS COMPLETELY STOLE MY SPOTLIGHT IN THE SECOND ARC.” Fat Bobby entered their minds once again.
“Ooh, visual flashback! Thanks Fat Tommy!” Kamui said excitedly.
“And then I said, you gonna lock me in the Kooler Kave? You’re a Kooler Khump, dog!” No Man said and the other two laughed.
“Ahh! N-n-n-n-o Man! S-s-s-so good to see you again. It's been q-q-q-q-quite some time! How did you find us in this f-f-f-freezer?" Kamui said, shivering.
"I gave you my coat Chief. You shouldn't be that cold. Anyway, how in the world is this Coke lukewarm in this freezer? Is this magic?" Abuto was examining the can.
"I had that gut feeling ya know? It's my day off, and I feel like makin it permanent, ya dig? Now come on, I know where to get that Break Dancin Fool and his pals." No Man said but the door was still jammed lock when he tried to rip it open.
”I-I-I guess we’ll never g-g-get that jug of milk, Ossan.” Kamui sighed. “I was l-l-looking forward to some dairy juice action!”
“Jug of milk? Dairy juice action?” No Man chuckled. “Oh dog, when you come to 7/11, the only drink y’all need is a slurpee.”
”W-W-What’s a s-s-slurpee?” Kamui asked.
“At least I snuck something to read while we’re stuck in here, my dudes.” Abuto pulled out some mags from his pocket.
“Oh g-g-great O-O-Ossan. WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH PORN? I CAN’T EAT THAT.” Kamui said loudly and Abuto gave a copy to No Man.
“I want to eat that...” No Man said a bit too loud for under his breath while looking at the magazine. The other two stared at him for a few seconds.
“Oi, these are the lamest flashbacks I’ve ever seen.” Dead eyes Gintoki said, picking his nose.
“What about the time we spent three hours making Baldy’s body into a snow yato.” Ozu whispered but Gintoki shushed him.
“I was so mean to Old Dog..” Present day No Man sighed out. Fat Bobby looked pleased, getting fatter.
“Dammit, his negative energy is constantly feeding that monster!” Umibozu proclaimed.
”That’s my halfy bastard! Always with the water works!” Kamui chuckled.
Abuto could be audibly and visually seen crying after the flashback.
”What’s wrong Ossan?” Kamui smiled.
”That was when I didn’t know I was allergic to soda because I wouldn’t drink any but a cold one...I was so naive..” He cried again. Bobby got even fatter now.
”STOP FEEDING HIM. Aren’t you suppose to be the more level headed one, Abuto?!” Umibozu yelled out but accidentally realized he himself just fed Bobby. “Oops..”
Suddenly another man slammed open tje door to the studios.
“This is ridiculous! How can you guys just stand around while that beast is entering their minds and invading their privacy to feed itself?!” Mikey barked and pointed.
“Mikey Simon?.. Well there’s not much we can do when that thing forced us to stay put or they’d get it. Please now keep your voice down.” Ozu told his main actor.
”We’ve made ol’ green and mullet hair upset. Ooh Let’s see what makes the ol’ Chief really ticked that could break that chipper spirit of his!” Bobby said excitedly.
“You mean everything? Jinx again!” Abuto and No Man were met with another kick to the legs.
“I may not be apart of a trio or a main character in this world but I’m not gonna let that creepy fat dude get what he wants!” Mikey grabbed Gintoki’s wooden katana from his kimono when he wasn’t looking and charged at the beast.
“OI! What are you doing with my sword?!” Gintoki yelled but it was too late, Miket struck Fat Bobby. But a blue glowing light came from his alien body.
“You want some memories too, boy? Well I better tell you the truth this time! Let’s just say the past year and a half since our meeting had been a lie!” Fat Bobby absored Mikey as the others looked in shock.
”DAMMIT! I JUST REMEMBERED WE FORGOT THE KIDS AGAIN!” Gintoki said, missing his glasses who would make him food.
”Mikey...” Voice called out. Mikey couldn’t see anything around him but then woke up in a sweat.
”Mikey... Mikey! Haha! Wake up!” Sakamoto smiled. “You were sleeping for a several hours buddy so I got worried!”
”W-where am I..?” Mikey stirred up but then gasped. “Sakamoto?! I’m back on your ship?!”
”’Back?’ You never left! Those jellybeans must have gotten to your head, Lieutenant Simon! Hahaha!” Sakamoto left Mikey’s office, still chuckling a good amount.
“W-WHAT’S GOING ON?” Mikey said frightened so he pulled out his phone. “FEBRUARY 28th, 2016?!” Mikey slammed it down on his desk, looking ahead and hyperventilating nervously. “There’s no way I was dreaming up all of that.. was I?”