The Next Big Poll!   6 members have voted

  1. 1. Upon whose corpse shall Nards' client, Zaid CatDog, feast on next?

    • Fred
    • WhoBob
    • JCM
    • Trophy
    • SBL
    • Crushing
    • OBAB
    • Sandy
    • SOF
    • Rock
    • OWM
    • Hayden
    • Teenj

Please sign in or register to vote in this poll.

378 posts in this topic

oh gawd this was hilarious



Thanks to Sandy for this sig!


Active Works: Power Rangers: Multiverse ForceParanoia and Cerebus the Aardvark (co-written with GreyKnight151)

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I was the August 2016 Employee of the Month!

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Rest in Power, Hotrod                                                                             

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に ルル: かべ かくたない


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Put your hands over your hearts… and in a loud, clear voice, say along with me… We, The People.

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, it's not things can possibly get any worse!


Opportunity Knocks

We open up to Old Man Jenkins wandering around somewhere in the annals of the Deathmatch Arena, looking a lil too proud of himself, likely over his all-out beat down of ACS #117564736. Deathmatch #1 Announcer, Kevin Ng, approaches the old man with a mic in hand, hoping to find some answers.

Kevin Ng: Deathmatch #1 Announcer, Kevin Ng, here LIVE! having just walked up to Community Deathmatch founder and creator, Old Man Jenkins like I fucking own the place! OMJ, would you care to shed some light on the deathmatch faithful on just as to why you launched yet another brutal attack on Buffet Club President-elect for his turd term, ACSBehemothHellcatHawkbitAlphaWark?

OMJ: Does-

OMJ looks around very confused at his surroundings.

OMJ: Does this look like my fucking ask thread to you, Kevin? Is this some kind of a joke, like good ole, "haha vintage Kevin!"? Because if it isn't

OMJ slaps the microphone out of Kevin's hands, grabs Deathmatch's #1 Announcer by the throat 

OMJ: that makes it a fucking insult to me and my fucking intelligence for you to just ask me questions smack dab in the middle of the fucking anals, THE ANALS, of the Deathmatch Arena as if you, of all fucking people, fucking own the place.

Kevin: Well sorry, OMJ...I-I didn't mean any, you know, disrespect by it-


Kevin flinches in fright for a second before regaining his composure as OMJ gives him playful pats on the shoulder

Kevin: Y-You are?

OMJ: Of fucking course, slutface! "This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein" do you even fucking read that, mang?

Kevin: Why he's, but-

OMJ: Look, I'm sorry, mang. Really. I-I tried to crack a cheap, mean-spirited laugh at your expense, and I apologize. Deeply. It's the nature of the beast that we're all posting in. "Living in", more like it. It carries me away sometimes.

OMJ dusts off Kevin's suit and straightens up his tie.

OMJ: You're like a son to me, Slut-...Kevin. I should know to treat you better.

Kevin: I am? :o

OMJ: Well, at one time. But this is no longer 2013, this is 2017. You're no longer the impressionable young little shit who noobed his way around to make ends meet and looked to me as a sort of god, and I am definitely no longer looked up to as some sort of god by you or anyone else anymore. Nope, they look up to pretenders such as this


OMJ: as a role model now when at that time, four years ago, he would've easily just left everyone and everything here just like *snaps* that, and all because he never felt appreciated, as a means to satisfy his own inflated ego in order to make up for a golden community award that he didn't win for that year. How fucking petty is that, mang? It's funny how much things can change in that amount of time. I mean, look at how much you've changed, how much everybody else have changed, how much this community has changed, how much even Deathmatch has changed.

Kevin: And how much you've changed?

OMJ: Haha, there goes that vintage sense of humor again, mang! I sure am gonna miss it once our time shared together here reaches its end and then we proceed to not bother each other for a couple more months. I guess what Clappy and his curtain circle jerkers go on about does have some meat to it, looking at it now; Character development is a mystery. A small change that no one sees.

Kevin: Clock makes a fool of history! Yeah, I've heard that song too.

OMJ: See, you fucking get it, Kevin. You're a fan of wrestling, you admire wrestling, you get wrestling, therefore you should get me and what I do, as well as why I do the things I do. But you know as well as I do that you really don't.

Kevin: I'm sorry, I'm confused here...what are you trying to

OMJ: I'm fucking kidding! AGAIN, Vintage! :Laugh: Come on, Kev, you pathetic fuck! You fucking chink in everyone's armor! Bring it in!

OMJ pulls Kevin in for a playful noogie.

OMJ: You've gotta stop taking Deathmatch so srs, mang! It's all fun and games here

Kevin: Until somebody gets killed!

OMJ: Atta fuckin boy! You've been doing that thing your doctor has recommended for you to do, haven't you? Huh? You've been learning ever so fucking slowly, haven't you! :Laugh:

OMJ let's him go and fixes up his hair.

OMJ: But on the realsies tho, to finally answer your question, I really wouldn't care to shed anymore light on whatever's already been shed :Laugh: so now that that little minor irrelevancy is out of the way, how's about you head on out and actually fucking do your job! The job that I hand picked you to do for some very big reason! You are somehow Deathmatch's #1 announcer, after all. Opportunity for more juicy shit is knocking every which corner you go around these SpongeBob fan sites! And so I've been told, by the fucking writer himself mind you, there is an opportunity knocking just for you out there in that ring tonight! So put on your best suit and tie, pick that fucking microphone up off the fucking ground, and fucking kill it out there mang. These poor fucks ain't gonna interview themselves!

Kevin: Really? I mean, thank you! Thank you for the opportunity, OMJ! I'll head out there right now!

OMJ puts a hand over his heart, taken aback by Kevin's warm gratitude

OMJ: Ohhh, if only more people here shared your appreciation :Laugh: see you in a few months, Kevin!

Kevin: Definitely!

OMJ walks off as Kevin makes his way over in the opposite direction. Kevin is suddenly stopped in his tracks by the sound of clapping. He looks around for the source as the camera pans out to reveal that it is none other than Hayden Shellder.


Hayden: Had you going for a bit there, didn't I? Ominous sounds of clapping leads you to believe that it is your shepherd, Clappy, as your sheepish nature should lead you to believe, when it is really none other than The Gift of Hayden tho.


Hayden: Drink it up, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnn! ao1DZ.gif

Kevin: Sorry, I don't drink spiked kool-aid.

Hayden: Oh, you wouldn't drink up Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay, Hayden's tho I'm sure if it were Clappy's or Nugs' or Kat's or MDPP's or even Cha's shameless, dated, 2013-level like baiting tactics spiked kool-aid, I'd bet top doubloon that you would be the first in line to chug it all down, maaaaaaaaan!

Kevin: Is there a method to your madness here, or are you just here to blow more fucking hot air and single-handedly destroy the ozone?

Hayden: Oh, so you believe in global warming now, huh? A very popular opinion shared by most sheep that isn't quite shared by Hayden tho. Hmmm, last I check

Hayden pulls up a clipboard labelled "List of Unpopular Opinions".


Hayden: IT ALREADY MADE THE LIST! But you know what hasn't already made the list, Kevin? Huh? Do you, Kevin? Do you know what isn't already unpopular on the list of Hayden tho, Kevin? Do you know what being a sheep, a hypocrite, a parasitic tapeworm and a marmoset all rolled into one gets you, Kevin? Huh-

Kevin starts to walk away from Hayden and resumes making his way toward the ring. The farther Kevin walks away, the louder and more unpopular Hayden gets.

Hayden: Do you know what walking away from the truth does for you, Kevin?! Do you know what having such simple-minded, irrelevant opinions gets you in life, Kevin?! Do you know the ramifications of not having half a brain can have on you, Kevin?! Kevin! Don't you walk away from this! There is no escape from where your running is about to get you, Kevin! Huh?! Wanna know where exactly it gets you, Kevin?! Huh?! *gulps*



Chad Francis: Good evening Death fans! And welcome to the next exciting episodic installment of one of SBC's longest running bi-monthly episodic programming in the history of all of SpongeBob fandom, this is Community Deathmatch! I'm the future replacement for Bill O'reilly's time slot, Chad Francis!

American Idiot: And I am your Savior of Misbehavior, the Pizza Guy, American Idiot! And what a night full of drama and action we've got on our hands tonight, Francis!

Chad Francis: Yes, Idiot! If that dose of drama that just took place backstage wasn't enough to satisfy your fix for spam-fueled SpongeBob fansite violence, then prepare to OD harder than Prince in an elevator.

American Idiot: Really, just like that, Francis?

Chad Francis: Just like *snaps* that, Idiot.

American Idiot: And I'm the perceived heel of this announce team here?

Chad Francis: So without any further ado, let's head down to the ring with Deathmatch #1 Announcer, Kevin Ng, who is standing by for tonight's first featured competitor!

Kevin Ng: Deathmatch #1 Announcer here to answer opportunity's knock! Standing by for tonight's first featured competitor in tonight's featured Deathmatch! And I do believe here he comes now!



American Idiot: So, who the fuck is this guy, Francis?

Chad Francis: Hmmm, my sources from beyond the wiki tell me that the member making his way to the ring is none other than @pulker989!

American Idiot: What?! Pulker989?!

Chad Francis: Yes, Pulker989!

American Idiot: The same pulker989 who has done absolutely jack shit since joining, bringing his existence as an actual human being into question?!

Chad Francis: The very same, Idiot!

American Idiot: Then what a squash match do we have in store for you tonight, folks!

Chad Francis: I wouldn't count him out for the count just yet, Idiot! After all, anything can happen here in the Deathmatch Arena!

American Idiot: Yeah, where else can your sorry ass still be relevant after essentially erasing yourself off the face of the Internet! What happened to the ole YouTube new channel, Francis? It sure has been a while since you posted on your SBM account that seems to no longer be there!

Chad Francis: And it's shit like this that makes me step a couple hundred feet back, delete my youtube videos, give up on my hopes and dreams, and re-evaluate my life.

Pulker989 makes his way into the ring for his pre-Deathmatch interview with Kevin Ng.

Kevin Ng: Pulker989-

Pulker989: Please, enough formalities! Just call me, Pulker!

America Idiot: Dafuq kind of name is that, Francis?

Chad Francis: Wikipedia doesn't know everything, Idiot.

Kevin Ng: Alright, Pulker, you stand here in the middle of the Community Deathmatch Arena in front of both your peers and hundreds of lurking guests, a little over two years removed from when you first joined and then very quickly left SBC. What, if anything, influenced your extremely brief stay and, ultimately, what brought you back here today?

Pulker: When I first joined the SpongeBob Community, I joined with every intent on getting you all to "Pulker Up" behind your's truly, but alas, opportunity knocked at my door and it opened up to me a whole world of people who needed to Pulker Up, and so that became my life's mission for the last two years and I must say, it has been a Pulkering success! MILLIONS all across the globe are Pulkering Up behind me! You think the likes of Puffy Fluffy, Supermandude, Lilcorey, Aya, Metal Snake or The Enigma himself got their asses kissed, well you ain't seen dis ass! Fun fact for all of you, my ass was officially the first kiss for 300 million different people! That is roughly the current population of the entire United States of America, and that number only continues to grow with each passing that dis ass continues to co-exist alongside this hell of a man that you see before you!

The crowd trolls him by chanting "Kevin!" in response!

Chad Francis: This Pulker sure isn't short on ego, I'll give him that much. It's something that can get you far here on Community Deathmatch. But I feel inclined to point out that the only thing with 10 feet of that ass of his is his head 10 feet up it!

American Idiot: Could you have some goddamn respect for once, Francis! This is one hell of a man that we are fortunate enough to have grace us with his presence here tonight, and yet here you are, giving him nothing but unjustified shit when he is out there making the world a better place for himself! He is pouring his heart out right now hoping that others will learn from his accomplishments! People could learn from having initiative like his, but I guess you wouldn't know that, now would you, Francis? Being a failed news reporter and all, having to fall back on "reporting" on petty Internet drama on a lit that is chock-full of it. You are just a regular Keemstar, aren't you, Francis? A real John Scarce! You know what's really scarce these days? Honest, well to do actual news reporters with real sources! And another thing that's scarce, is respect! So shut your damn mouth, Pulker the fuck Up and give this hell of a man the respect that he truly deserves! That's all I demand! He already has enough to deal with from these unappreciative degenerates, so the last thing he needs is a supposedly unbiased play-by-play commentator railing his ass when he should be kissing it! I know that I may be an idiot to many, including yourself, but you, Francis? YOU. ARE. A. HACK! No pizza for you! Ever!

Pulker: That's funny, real funny! I get it! I'm the "ass" and he's "the hell of a man that you see before you", I see you guys! I do! But I do have to disrespectfully disagree, he isn't the one you all should be Pulkering Up behind, he is far from it. So now that you all got his dick out of your throats, how's about you really Pulker Up, buttercups, behind One Hell of a Man!

American Idiot: I'm all pulkered up and hankering to have a go! What about you, Francis?

Chad Francis: If I were you, I'd leave me the fuck alone for the rest of this episode, Idiot.

Kevin: Well, you can argue with that, but it's not in my job description to do so! I'd like to thank you, Pulker, for taking some time out of all the time that you have on your hands to come out and give the ACS in attendance and the ACS watching at home a little look behind the veil that is "Pulker Up!" and I wish you nothing but the worst heading into tonight's Deathmatch-


Chad Francis: What the- No way?! No fucking way Jose?! This can't possibly be fucking possible?! Could Deathmatch finally be getting its own fucking Walrus?!

Right after that was said, a fat, slimy, sleaze ball looking Jew in a suit and tie waddles out to the entrance way with a microphone.

American Idiot: Oh my fucking Neptune, it is, Francis! The Walrus has finally migrated his way towards his natural habitat, and even I couldn't love it any less than I do now!

Chad Francis: Where's any big game hunters when you fucking need them? I'm sure walrus tusks can go for just as much as a rhino's nowadays! Or maybe at least send out some skinheads or something- The Buffet Club! Yes, how's about we send in The Buffet Club?! Fucking hell! The Deathmatch Arena has officially been injected with a lethal dose of poison here! And that poison's name is-

???: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Tropical Nards!

Chad Francis: SON OF A BITCH!


Nards: And I am now officially The Advocate for a Once in a Lifetime Member, the likes of which you may never see again! And I know the whole lot of you must be wondering, "EW NARDS!", "GTFO NARDS!", "OH WE JUST LOATHE NARDS!" There's a little something that you all as people seem to lack, and it's not just brains, oh no siree fucking bob. Simply put, just like all the girls in my life, you all just don't got Nards. And do you want to know why you don't got Nards? It's because you don't have nards, both figuratively and literally! When was the last time I posted in this thread to give the writer a whole litany of ideas all involving yours truly? Two, three years ago maybe? And what do I have to show for it? A few butt of the joke cameos scattered around here and there and a throwaway squash match that was supposed to be an exhibition against some lame ass fuck who posted for one day and then never came back again! But, as the official advocate for my client, who will be making his second appearance here in the Deathmatch Arena but it will, in fact, be his first time here in the major fucking leagues, I must step myself aside and do what my client keeps me around for to do, and that is to boldly do what he, himself, has never done before and that is to sell something, and this something, in particular, is this fucking match!

American Idiot: It's what's Jews does best, Francis!

Nards: My client, much like myself, is certainly no stranger to your shared animosity. You can say that that is what brought my client and myself together in the first place. I like to think that my client believes in me as much as I put my faith in my client, but that is just a hypothetical, and I just so happen to deal in hypotheticals. These writers suggest having this shell of a man be my client's first major league opponent, I suggest that my client deserves better. My client wants to reboot a crappy lit of his, I suggest that my client absolutely should not reboot that crappy lit of his. My client wants to change his username for the buhmillionth time, I suggest that my client refrains from changing his username for the buhmillionth time in order to preserve his brand name. My client claims that his works and offerings to the spinoff/lit community is some of the best wares to be experienced out there today, I humbly remind my client that his schlock is some of the absolute worst pieces of disasters ruining the spinoff/lit community today. My client says that he is an ass kicking machine, I tell my client that he is certainly a shoo-in for Flats but that he is definitely no machine. I said it before and I shall say it again, my client is a once in a lifetime member that neither SpongeBob fansite may never see again. And being the advocate for a Once in a Lifetime Member such as my client, I advocated my ass off to ensure that my client will be compensated royally for his unique services and contributions to the growth of the Community Deathmatch brand! I advocated that my client brings legitimacy to any spinoff and/or literature he finds himself in! I advocated that my client's brand of legitimacy is the hypothetical, legit worst shit to ever be unleashed into any spinoff and/or literature! You can just look at the Riffing Theater for hypothetical proof! And through all my advocating, I finally secured my client a rather lucrative, exclusive deal with Community Deathmatch, the likes of which has never been seen before and may very well never be seen again! My client was offered an exclusive deal with Community Deathmatch to be featured exclusively in Community Deathmatch for the foreseeable future! That's right, so if you want to see my client do what he does best, and that is being the worst, you will have to tune in exclusively to Community Deathmatch to see this Once in a Lifetime Member! And I did do good to ensure that my client will be compensated royally by successfully advocating for him to be the first member to ever be paid in doubloons per appearance! Be it in an official Deathmatch, an exhibition, a promo, even so much as a cameo appearance, my client will be compensated to his utmost satisfaction! My client and I can both agree that Community Deathmatch can bring out the absolute best in its member base. But please, do not misconstrue this as Community Deathmatch somehow "owning" my client. Rather, consider Community Deathmatch to be my client's "new home".

Chad Francis: Unbelievable! An unprecedented deal has been made only here on Community Deathmatch! And we still don't know just who Nards' client is yet!

American Idiot: Wait, so it isn't Mike Lient?

Nards: Also, as per the terms of my client's new exclusivity deal, my client has been given quite a bit of sway, a good amount of creative control over who his opponents may be. So Puker, "pulker up", buttercup and get your lousy ass to the back of the line because tonight, my client has been given the go ahead to feast on you, @kevinNG!

The camera zooms in on Kevin's look of shock.


Nards: See, this is why you get the Jew!

Chad Francis: Oh dear Neptune below, Kevin is nowhere near prepared for this, Idiot! He's been built up to be Deathmatch's #1 Announcer for fuck's sake! He hasn't competed in a Deathmatch in damn near four years! He's out of practice, out of shape, and quite hypothetically, out of his league!

American Idiot: And out of his mind should he choose to abide by these terms, which he really seems to have no choice in the matter, anyway! Every member is fair game here on Community Deathmatch, Francis! We're just lucky enough that it wasn't us! Community Deathmatch shows no prejudices!

Chad Francis: A very inconvenient truth for Kevin NG here tonight!

Nards: Now Dylan Jr., please do not take this personally, at least on my part. I advocated that my client be slated to face somebody better, but once my client has his sights set on something, it is oh so very hard for my client to be shaken away from it. It's completely out of my hands, my hands and conscience are clean! Whereas I believe that you deserve at least a shred of respect, my client disagrees! I believe that you contributed leaps and bounds more to the spinoff/lit community than my client ever did, my client disagrees! I believe that Mrs. Asian Mom is one of SBC's most underrated gems, my client disagrees! I am of the opinion that you wiped your works such as Mrs. Asian Mom clean from the SpongeBob Community not out of cowardice or shame, but as a means to give yourself a clean slate in order to reboot yourself anew, my client disagrees! Kevin, I believe you were told that "opportunity would be knocking at your door" tonight.  When really, it should've been worded, "my client, 'The Vanquisher', 'The Worst Incarnate', ZZZZZZZZZAID CCCCCCCCATDOG will be breaking that fucker down and taking you on a trip to CIRCUIT CITY, BITCH!


Zaid Catdog hits the entrance ramp and meets up with his advocate, who is the only one applauding him as they make their way to the ring.



Kevin frantically implores to Pulker.

Kevin: I didn't sign up for this. Seriously, I did not sign up for this forum four fucking years ago just to be fucking killed off like this!

Pulker: You have to Pulker Up, Kevin! Show a stiff upper lip, and kiss my ass! Only that will save you.

American Idiot: Kevin stands no fucking chance  in hell. Just look at all those hideously made topics Zaid has made throughout the years, Francis! That is the exact opposite of how anyone's resume should wanna look!

Chad Francis: For once, I'm going to have to agree with you, Idiot. Never, in all my days of calling deathmatches or even covering news stories, have I ever had to call or report on a situation as fucked up as this! For those of you who keep up to date with our exhibition matches on OMJflix, which you can view for free for just $9.99, you will know exactly just what this member, if we can even call him that, is truly capable of! He vanquished Rebarcena, a member capable of many great things such as Bikini Bottom in 3D, without any remorse nor shame. And if a member as great, as contributing, as that could be made to look so powerless against Zaid, what kind of a fucking chance does Kevin flippin NG got? Really? It'd take a miracle for Kevin to come out of this in one piece.

American Idiot: You've gotta hand it to Pulker tho, Francis, he's at least staying out there to try and give Kevin some motivation heading into the slaughter. Maybe some "advocating" between the two, perhaps?

Chad Francis: I'd gladly hand my lips over to Pulker's ass too if it were any help against Zaid!

Zaid jumps onto the ring apron.


American Idiot: My god, would you just like at that? "Terminator: Genisys or Inside Out"? He couldn't even spell Genysis right, as stupid as that actual spelling really is!

Chad Francis: Two completely different movies. One's sci-if action, the other a children's animated tale about the inner workings of human emotion. One's shitty as all hell, flat out damning a once perfectly good franchise, the other being one of the top received animated flicks of 2015! One could say that it is a near perfect metaphor to what we're about to see right here, right now!

Zaid steps through the ropes and is fully inside the ring as Nards looks on deviously from the outside. Kevin has loosened off his tie and removed his suit jacket, revealing an unofficial "Deathmatch #1 Announcer" shirt underneath to a cheap pop from the crowd. Pulker is massaging Kevin's tensed shoulders, trying to help him to relax.

Pulker: All right, Kevin, you got this! Just remember to Pulker Up when needed and you'll do just fine out there.

Nards calls out to Zaid for some counseling of his own.

Nards: Zaid! Make this one quick, you've got a hot date with a bag of spicy hot Doritos tonight and you don't want to keep it waiting, now do you?!

Zaid gives Nards a wink, who immediately plants his face firmly into the palm of his hand.

Nards: ...This isn't gonna end well...

Kevin: You got anything else to say besides Pulkering Up?

Pulker: Well, you can stay vigilant. Keep your eyes peeled at all all times. You never know just where your might get hit from next. Or just who.

Kevin: What-

Pulker: Pulker Up, buttercup!

Pulker shouts into Kevin's ear as he nails him with a forearm smash to the back of his head. The force of the hit sends Kevin flying forward right at Zaid, who does nothing as Kevin crashes into him and immediately collapses to the ground as if he had just hit a brick wall. Pulker uses this as a distraction to leave the arena entirely as the crowd of guests boos his actions

Pulker: This ain't my fight, buttercups! This ain't my fight, so you all can just kiss my ass!

Pulker says proudly as he makes his way back up the ramp with his roll of toilet paper tucked between his legs. Nards laughs his ass off at this development.

Chad Francis: The fucking nerve of that guy! Not only does he decide to blind slide Kevin from behind, but he leaves him right in the jaws of The Worst! You can say things can't possibly get any worse for young Kevin, but I'd be inclined to disagree! And I'm sure Zaid would to.

American Idiot: Pulker did the only honorable thing he could do in a fucked up situation like this, Francis, and that's to try and make the inevitable that much easier on the kid! He knows that despite his best efforts to get Kevin to Pulker Up, it still won't be enough to vanquish The Vanquisher!

Chad Francis: He was blatantly just trying to cover his own ass in order to save it! This hell of a man has turned into one hell of a pussy right quick!

American Idiot: Who wouldn't when you're standing in the Deathmatch ring right across from The Worst Incarnate?! I wouldn't wish that sort of fate upon my worst enemy, Francis, except maybe you!

Zaid offers a warm hand to the down and out Kevin.

Chad Francis: What's this? Is Zaid Catdog actually offering Kevin NG a helping hand?!

Zaid: I get it, man. I do. I've got a mom just like you. She may not be Asian, but she's a hound dog all the same. Why don't you just take my hand and you and I, we can talk about our mothers.

American Idiot: Perhaps you've been going about this the wrong way, Francis. Maybe Zaid isn't THAT bad, have you ever thought about that? I honestly think he's just a bit misunderstood, you know, it's hard to be understood by people when they stick a stigma such as "The Worst Incarnate" on you.

Chad Francis: Don't you try and pin all this on me! You were just talking shit about his Terminator vs Inside Out topic earlier!

American Idiot: Stop putting words in my mouth, Francis, or I sure as shit will put squid pizza into yours!

Chad Francis: Don't do it, Kevin! Just hit em below the belt and hope for the best, I'm sure Elastic will understand!

Kevin hesitantly grabs hold of Zaid's hand and is quickly pulled back up to his feet right into the face of his opponent.

Zaid: I don't give a shit about your mother.

American Idiot: And it was then that Kevin knew that he done fucked up.

Zaid turns Kevin inside out with a hellacious clothesline.


Zaid then wastes no time in picking Kevin back up for a German Circuit Suplex.


Chad Francis: Kevin has just taken his first step into Circuit City and there are no shortages in supply where that came from!

Zaid goes for another German Circuit Suplex, but Kevin proves to have a little more fight left in him.


Chad Francis: BOBBA MIA! Kevin showing some shades of forum mother Aya right there!

American Idiot: That short jolt of life may come back to haunt him, because The Worst is right back up and looks none too pleased by it!

Zaid and Kevin size each other up a bit before Zaid lunges in for a takedown.


Zaid mounts Kevin with thunderous right hands to the head.

Chad Francis: I'm sure Kevin is wishing he still had that afro fetish right about now because it could really help soften those stiff right hands courtesy of The Vanquisher!

Zaid raises Kevin back up effortlessly and belly to belly circuit suplexes him overhead.


Kevin scrambles back up to his feet but Zaid shoulder tackles him into the corner turnbuckle and really begins to lay into his rib cage with multiple shoulder thrusts into the corner.


Chad Francis: Zaid has Kevin trapped in a corner there's no telling what he could do!

Zaid clasps his arms around Kevin again and belly to belly circuit suplexes him again, this time with some big time air.


Chad Francis: BOBBA MIA! 

American Idiot: That HAS to be a new squirrel record or some stupid shit like that, Francis! It just has to be!

Crowd: CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* 

Chad Francis: Don't encourage him!

Zaid dead lifts Kevin back up and drops him back down right on his neck.


Nards: Oh dear god!

Nards shrieks to himself outside as he diverts his eyes away from the carnage, covering one side of his head with his hand.

Chad Francis: BOBBA MIA! Zaid just dropped Kevin right on his freakin neck! He could have just broken it right there!

American Idiot: This was what I meant earlier when I said I wouldn't wish this fate on anybody, Francis! You're in a deathmatch with The Worst Incarnate, waiting for death to come take you away, but death sure is taking its sweet ass time! To me, this is a fate worse than death. When you are just absolutely helpless on all fucking fronts and nothing is coming along to make shit any easier!

Chad Francis: Kevin was just doing his job here tonight, folks! He was just announcing and giving out interviews like he usually fucking does. This wasn't even Kevin's match to take part in! Zaid and that goddamn jackass, Nerds, struck some sort of deal with the freakin devil himself to have creative changes made to tonight's Deathmatch. Kevin came into tonight's show hoping that opportunity would come knocking at his door, but never in a million years did he probably think that this psychopath would be the one knocking!

Kevin flops over onto his belly and crawls over to Zaid's feet, grabbing hold of his ankles and trying with all his might to raise himself back up. Zaid hammers down on him with some clubbing right hands, smashing away at the back of his head and neck, blood slowly begins to splatter onto Zaid with each blow.

Nards: Zaid! ZAID! This is good enough, Zaid, you've more than proven your point! Circuit City isn't going to thrive again! It's time to finish this thing!


Nards: And you are doing the exact opposite, my god.


Nards: Kevin, I didn't want this for you, I hope you know that! I advocated for you, I advocated my heart out, but Zaid, well, Zaid's a freakin psychopath, what can I say, Kevin? My conscience is clean. These hands, they're fucking clean, serene, bitch! This is not on me!

Nards: Enough is enough, Zaid! Please, I implore you-


Nards: And imploring simply will not fucking work! LEL FUCK ME.


Kevin manages to land one slap on The Worst.


Nards: Don't be a hero, Kevin.

Who immediately responds with a harder one of his own.


Nards: Just do not try to be a hero, that's all I fucking ask. THAT'S ALL I FUCKING ASK OF YOU AND YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT ON THE BOTH OF US! You know what? You brought this into yourself, Kevin. No fucking other way around it, man. I mean, you REALLY must've fucked something up something fierce to have a fate such as Zaid be brought down upon YOU. You fucked up, Kevin NG.

Nards turns to the crowd and tries to lead them in a chant.

Nards: Say it with me now, "YOU FUCKED UP." "YOU FUCKED UP." "YOU FUCKED UP."

Crowd: SHUT THE FUCK UP! *clap clap clap clap* SHUT THE FUCK UP! *clap clap clap clap* SHUT THE FUCK UP! *clap clap clap clap*

Nards: Aaahhh, who fucking asked you?


Zaid manhandles and throws Kevin into a corner and assaults him with a flurry of knee strikes.


American Idiot: I don't think I can watch much more of this, honestly.

Chad Francis: You have to give it to Kevin, he's taking this like a fucking champ. I can't think of anyone else who can withstand this kind of punishment and still have some breath left in em. 

Kevin goes limp in the corner, but Zaid continues with the knees, prompting Clem to finally intervene and try and separate Zaid from Kevin so he can check his pulse.

Chad Francis: Referee Clem finally deciding to try and separate these two. Kevin has gone completely motionless in the corner! I think it's just time to call this a match already. There's no way Kevin has anymore left in him after this vicious mauling.

Clem lifts up Kevin's arm to check his pulse, but Kevin's arm springs back to life and grabs Clem by his shirt collar.

Clem: He still got some life left in em, I reckon!

Zaid barges over and knocks Clem out of the way before planting Kevin with another German Circuit Suplex.


American Idiot: Goddammit kid! Play dead if you fucking have to!

Chad Francis: Kevin just refusing to die here! It's honestly pretty amazing, yet sort of foolish, but you can't fault the kid for having some goddamn heart. This is someone who was once dedicated to adapting Community Deathmatch into comic book form! He was taken out of the ring and put into a suit a young age to avoid fates such as this. And now here he is, fighting, clinging onto dear life trying to give us something to remember him by! 

Zaid lifts Kevin up to his knees with one hand, but Kevin starts to mount a comeback.


Zaid: 010011011101001001100011110!

Chad Francis: Zaid damn near taking Kevin's head off for that brief act of defiance!

American Idiot: It must be thanks to that new, improved laptop Zaid has at his disposal to improve his game here tonight! We're seeing a level of dominance here that wasn't quite there back when he fought Rebarcena!

Chad Francis: Dear god, if that was Zaid at less 100% and if this is Zaid running. On full power...May Neptune have mercy on all of us.

Zaid lifts up Kevin for a repeated series of  power bombs.


Chad Francis: Kevin's in a whole new world of trouble right now as Zaid changes up his game from suplexes by upgrading straight to powerbombs! "The Prize Fight", Trophy, has proven just how lethal this move can be, but in the hands of The Worst Incarnate, it can prove to be downright catastrophic!

On what seems to be the ninth powerbomb attempt, Zaid tosses and drapes Deathmatch's #1 Announcer onto his shoulders. Zaid marches around with Kevin on top of him like a ragdoll before finally putting Kevin out of his misery with an emphatic F5, splattering Deathmatch's former #1 Announcer all across the canvas.



American Idiot: They say that the F5 key refreshes the page, but I'm afraid ZaidCatdog disagrees!

Clem steps in and checks on the damage. After a few seconds of deliberation, he finally raises Zaid's arm in victory.


Nards barges in and shoos Clem out of the ring, choosing to raise Zaid's arm up in victory, himself

Nards: Ladies and gentlemen! Your winner and NEW Deathmatch #1 Announcer, ZZZZZZZZAID CCCCCCCATDOOOOOOOG!!!!

Zaid brushes Nards aside and immediately goes back to work on Kevin's corpse.


Nards: Zaid?! Zaid! It's over! You won! 

Chad Francis: Come the fuck on, mang! The match is already over! There is such a thing as overkill, you know !

American Idiot: I don't think that word is in Zaid's vocabulary, Francis! He's not gonna stop until he's fully satisfied with utterly vanquishing his opponent!

Chad Francis: Look, I don't know about you, Idiot, but I, for one, can't bear to stand by and watch this any longer than I have to! A line needs to be drawn here and I'm not just gonna watch a peer and colleague who fought til the bitter end to gain our respect throughout this entire Deathmatch continue to be disrespected even in the cold embrace of death!

American Idiot: Francis, don't be a hero!

Chad puts down his microphone and headset, takes off his suit jacket and tie and storms down to the ring. 

Nards: Zaid! Zaid! ZAID- OH MY LORD!

Chad charges up to them, startling Nards away and rocks Zaid with a Rolling Back Elbow


This stuns Zaid, who staggers around on his two feet. This leaves him open long enough for Chad Francis to bounce off the ropes and catches The Worst off guard with a thunderous Discus Fivearm!


This manages to knock Zaid down to one knee. Chad Francis charges the ropes again, looking to finish things off with another Discus Fivearm, but Zaid springs back up and catches Francis by the arm, taking Chad down with a dreaded Thread Lock, locked tightly around Chad's arm. Zaid wrenches away at Chad's arm as Francis screams in agony from the pain of his having his arm slowly broken.


American Idiot: Goddammit Francis, I warned you, didn't I?! It's a lost fucking cause trying to best The Worst!

American Idiot tries to sign off of Deathmatch, but Chad Francis' screams of agony and cries for help stops him in his tracks.


American Idiot: FUUUUUUCK! I just couldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

American Idiot takes off his headset now and sprints down to the ring, pushing Nards out of the way, and lands a well calculated elbow drop onto Zaid's head, finally getting The Vanquisher to break his grip on Chad Francis' arm. Chad rolls away in a lot pain, holding his limp arm. American Idiot mounts Zaid with a series of rights and lefts


 Zaid forcefully pushes Idiot off of him with tremendous strength and vitality. American Idiot goes right back on the offensive, but Zaid immediately takes him down to the mat with authority and mounts him mercilessly with huge punches and elbows of his own.


Nards comes back in and begs for Zaid to stop.

Nards: Zaid! You're only supposed to kill one member! ONE MEMBER! That's it! We're overstepping our boundaries, breaching our deal! Zaid?! ZAAAIIID!

Nards manages to finally pull Zaid off of American Idiot and gets him to back off.

Nards: Good, goooood. Somebody's earned himself a sprite to go with those doritoooos!

Zaid grabs hold of Nards and pulls his advocate in towards him.

Nards: Zaid?! What are you doing?!

Zaid pushes Nards out of the way and out of danger as Chad Francis comes right back with another Discus Fivearm, but Zaid ducks it and grabs Chad Francis for another emphatic F5!


Zaid goes in for more, but Nards gets down between him and Chad Francis, literally shielding Chad from anymore of Zaid's wrath.

Nards: One body, Zaid! We came here only for one body! They think that Eddsworld meets SpongeBob was something to suffer through, well they haven't seen anything yet! You'll get your chance again, I promise you! For now, lets just call it a night.

Zaid weighs the options in his mind, foaming at the mouth trying to get some more licks in on both Chad Francis and American Idiot, but he finally calms down and decides to leave the Deathmatch Arena with Nards. Nards gets up off of Chad Francis and kisses Zaid on the cheek.

Nards: I promise you, you will get another chance, soon. I advocate it!

Nards hold down the ring ropes for Zaid to step through. Nards takes a moment to survey the damage that Zaid has caused and shudders at the sight of what his client is capable of. Nards joins his client on the ramp and make their exit, Nards giving The Vanquisher a congratulatory pat on the back with a sadistic smile on his face as Community Deathmatch  looks to sign off with one last shot of the bodies left in Zaid's wake, but suddenly


Hayden comes on out now with his List of Unpopular Opinions in hand. He gets into the ring and takes a closer look at Zaid's handiwork. He stops right next to Kevin's dead body and clicks his pen.



Hayden jots Kevin NG's name onto his list and poses over his body as Community Deathmatch finally signs off.






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Kevin got...........................






Rest in Power, Hotrod                                                                             

いち ルル: ルルは したがう すっかり
に ルル: かべ かくたない


♚ ♛ ♜ ♝ ♞

▀▄▀▄▀▄ ąɲ¥๏ɲ€ ȼąɲ $µȼЌ ρ€ɲɨ$, βµţ ɲ๏β๏ď¥ ȼąɲ ρ€€ $µȼЌɲɨ$ ▄▀▄▀▄▀

Put your hands over your hearts… and in a loud, clear voice, say along with me… We, The People.

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1 hour ago, kevin said:

omf delete that pic pls :neyde: xDD


(no seriously :c)

It's okay, I replaced it with something better




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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. No ill will whatsoever. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, just go to sleep...

The scene opens up to a set of lit candles in a darkened room.


The scene pans out to show FeelMyFeel, kneeled in the middle of the set of candles. His hands are clasped together, as if in prayer.

FeelMyFeel: Please join me, in vigil to a great, strong, powerful woman, who fought for her life until the very end. Her will, her strength in the face of great sorrow and pain is something that we all can learn from. To be honest, I really wish all that strength had been passed down because it makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH how I even know about any of this! You know, was it really not enough to get that terrible, ugly thing off your chest, was it really necessary for everybody else to have to form a perpetual circle jerk around you in "solidarity"? I see all those snazzy new avatars of yours, how long did it take you all to find those on Google? About as fast as it took me to find mines up there? I bet you all feel quite honestly happy with yourselves :) Looking at you, you all make ME SICK because YOU ARE ALL SICK! Sick in the body, sick in the mind, sick in the soul. The soul! That's the lengths you are ALL reaching in your sad, pathetic attempts at making yourselves feel better about your equally sad and pathetic attempts at a social life online! You all want to hold your little candle lights like a bunch of saints, when you are all really just holding them up and waving them in the air like you just don't care, because that's what it really comes down to. You all don't care, not really! You all just want to justify yourselves as being what you want yourselves to be, what you believe yourselves to be, when you all are really denying yourselves of what you truly are! You are all addicts. You are all leeches, blood suckers! Depriving yourselves and each other of living full, healthy REAL lives! Cancer is truly a terrible disease, that much I can agree with. And what I see all around me here in this "community" is nothing BUT cancer at the height of its malignancy. And the chances of anybody in this "community" surviving are very, very slim. And I truly don't think any of you have any strength nor the will to live whatsoever. I may even go so far as to say you all can't even hold a candle to this woman in that department. And that sad, honest to God truth makes me so ill. Now, I hear some of you explaining to some of the more mentally questionable of you lot that by lighting a candle, you are showing your respects.


FeelMyFeel starts blowing out the candles around him until only one remains lit.

FeelMyFeel: You don't deserve any respect. You can't even learn to respect yourselves. So just

FeelMyFeel shifts his hands over to the side of his head and rests his head on them like a pillow.


FeelMyFeel: Go. To. SLEEP.


FeelMyFeel blows out the last remaining candle, filling the scene with darkness and immediately cutting to black.




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Rest in Power, Hotrod                                                                             

いち ルル: ルルは したがう すっかり
に ルル: かべ かくたない


♚ ♛ ♜ ♝ ♞

▀▄▀▄▀▄ ąɲ¥๏ɲ€ ȼąɲ $µȼЌ ρ€ɲɨ$, βµţ ɲ๏β๏ď¥ ȼąɲ ρ€€ $µȼЌɲɨ$ ▄▀▄▀▄▀

Put your hands over your hearts… and in a loud, clear voice, say along with me… We, The People.

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Well, this was certainly...interesting.



Thanks to Sandy for this sig!


Active Works: Power Rangers: Multiverse ForceParanoia and Cerebus the Aardvark (co-written with GreyKnight151)

Inactive/Cancelled/Ended Works: 

I was the August 2016 Employee of the Month!

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, I'd hate to be one of you right now!

It Takes Some Balls

We open up to a shot of The Advocate for ZaidCatDog, Tropical Nards, alongside his client, ZaidCatDog, who is hulking over Nards' shoulder in a huff.

Nards: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Tropical Nards, the advocate for "The Worst Incarnate" and a "Once in a Lifetime Member" as well as a proven box office SpongeBoard draw, ZzzzzzzaidCccccccatDog.

The crowd of guests can be heard chanting.

Guests: HONEST TRAILERS! *clap clap clap clap* HONEST TRAILERS! *clap clap clap clap* HONEST TRAILERS! *clap clap clap clap*

Nards: Yes, well, you see, was Community Deathmatch running a week-long marathon? Was Community Deathmatch exhausting itself and its resources by giving you all too much too soon? No! It was running on pure, unadulterated Zaid-power throughout the entire week since my client, ZaidCatDog, tore the roof off both the Deathmatch Arena and Kevin NG's skull! And even with running a long-winded marathon, it barely even managed to scrape by Community Deathmatch with only 7 more measly views. So if you want to consider that a "success", then by all means, pat yourselves on the back for a job well done. But if you want to go so far as to call it a "box office SpongeBoard draw", well then it sure as hell ain't got SHIT on my client, ZZZZZAID CCCCCCCCCATDOOOOOG! I mean, come on, guys! It's completely hypothetical!

Zaid gives him some sort of binary code, telling Nards to get straight to the point.

Nards: Ahem! Right. Before I was so RUDELY interrupted by a bunch of faceless peons, my client, Zaid CatDog, wants to raise a very pressing concern he has regarding what exactly happened to his blog during his absence just a couple months ago. I believe it happened back in March, to exact. On the 24th, to be even more precise. It was on THAT day, my client, Zaid CatDog's, blog was laid siege upon, ransacked, and vandalized! It specifically happened in an entry in which my client, Zaid CatDog, announced that he had procured a brand spankin' new laptop with which he can further improve upon his game here in the SpongeBob Community in order to bring legitimacy with him back to Community Deathmatch. When my client returned recently, his views for that entry were blown up quite literally compared to the others and in the place of his brand new laptop was...this


Zaid's blood boils at the sight of it.

Nards: You know, it really takes some balls to compel somebody to disturb a sleeping beast, but all it took, all it really took was just one ball to completely piss my client, Zaid CatDog, right the fuck fucking fuckity fuck THE FUCK RIGHT OFF! And as advocate for my client, Zaid CatDog, I want only what's best for for my client! So I went ahead and I did some digging the last couple of days since my client, Zaid CatDog, last vanquished some poor, unfortunate soul of the face of the World Wide Web, and I my search got me such wondrous results! So, get this, the vandalization of my client's blog and the theft of his prized laptop was all done in part of a forum contest that was going on at the time! And just look at this description for the clue that leads straight to my client's blog!


Nards: Redundant? Really? A poor choice of words from such a poor choice for an admin. But, it was all just a big game! Nothing too damaging there, it was all fun and games, water under the bridge, right?! Well my client, Zaid CatDog, disagrees! My client, Zaid CatDog, wants blood for this injustice done upon him! So I've compiled for him a list of names, all of whom took part in this "contest" in his absence.


Nards: You want to play games with my client, at his expense, no less? Well, my client, Zaid CatDog, can play games at YOUR expense too, because one of you luckless sacks of shit will be given the utmost dishonor of having to step into the Deathmatch Ring with "The Worst Incarnate"! And your chances of winning all teeters on the public opinion of your friends and peers. Ladies and gentlemen, my client, Zaid CatDog, is giving you the power to decide on which corpse upon which my client shall feast on next! Ladies and gentlemen, a price must be paid here, and it must be paid upfront and in full! It is why my client went ahead and got himself THE JEW to be his advocate! I can't stress that enough! So by all means, you can go ahead and save your own skin by choosing the poor sap next to you or you can have opportunity knock at your door next. It doesn't matter which way it goes, the spoiler will remain the same; my client, Zaid CatDog, will utterly fucking vanquish any, and all, of you!




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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, FINISH IT!


Mr. 1000

Community Deathmatch opens up to a packed Deathmatch Arena full of all sorts of guests and ACS, then it cuts to a contrasting shot of an empty broadcast booth. Both Chad Francis and American Idiot appearmto have been taken out of action following their failed attempts at besting The Worst Incarnate, Zaid CatDog. Tonight's first combatant breaks the silence by making his entrance.



A legitimate-looking Italian site runner by the name of makes his way out to the ring with a seemingly permanent scowl on his face. He's very unhappy about something and hopefully we don't find out why. Cartoni calls for a microphone, immediately squashing any hopes of that not happening. The scene quickly cuts to a bunch of lower-midcard members watching this all unfold from the backstage area, all of them chatting over the Deathmatch arrival of this fabled "Mr. 1000"

(I'm too lazy to shop avvies over all those faces so just pretend that they are who I say they are)

Someone: Remember us?

Someone's Friend: Remember us?

Maxwell: Remember us!

Sofia: Remember us :smirk:

Maxwell: ...remember us...

Harria: I don't want to remember you.

Dougie Williams: REMEMBER US AHYUK!

Harria: Eugh. NOT remembering.

Simon Anderson comes up and raises an open hand into the air. A shout box suddenly gets lowered down to him and he grabs hold of it, bringing it to his mouth.


Everybody else: ...

Simon: ...Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssss!?

The shoutbox gets raised back up out of Simon's hand as we head back to the ring, where Cartoni is finally gonna break his silence.

Cartoni: Mamma Mia! It'sa packeda show!

The crowd of guests gives him a cheap pop for that one.

Cartoni: Alright, alright. Now that that lil piece of stereotype theater is out of the way, how's bout we finally get down to business 'round here, huh. The nitty gritty of what's this all about. When I foist joined this community, I wanted nothin more than to expose some'o ya's to what I can bring to the table. Y'know wuh I'm sayin'? And you's all, well, you's all didn't want any of that. You's all wanted a "real Mr. 1000" who would help ushoi in a new era fo' your SpongeBob Community. I come here, bearing a LEGITIMATE website, molto di piu than this wannabe ragtag poor excuse fo' a "bidness" you got goin on here! But to you's stronzi, you considered it spam. SPAM. An Italian shillin' spam of all godfo'saken things, who ever thought they'd see that day, huh?  Cazzo fottute stupide! And wasn't even like I was just "spammin'" any ole fuckin thing, I was "spammin'" about this legitimate interview I conducted with the Italian voice actor of yo' precious Sponge, Claudio Moneta! Do you's any idea how many dimes that cost me? Mo' than you's all make in a month's allowance, that's fo' damn sure! I try to brings you's something a lil nice, maybe even gets a lil working business relationship goin', trade each other a slice'a pie, bada bing bada boom, who knows! But you's all disappointed me, you's spit in MY FACE, discredit all my hard woik! Look, I don't mean nor planned nor intended on being yo' 1000th member, I swear on me grandmama's grave. But'chu know what? I sure am fucking glad I did. Because you don't desoive nothin' nice!

The crowd of guests quickly turn on Cartoni as the camera cuts back to the lower level members bickering backstage.

Someone: *gasps* Remember me?!

Someone's Friend: *shakes fist at Cartoni on the minitron* Remember me!

Maxwell: Goddamn, remember me?

Sofia: Remember me! Remember me!

Harria: *resting bitch faces everybody, especially Cartoni*

Dougie Williams: *pies everybody so that they can remember him*

Cartoni: Now I wanna call any one of you's out right here tonight! You's gots problems with me, then by all means, make your grievances hoird! This is MY market now, bitches! You's just helpin' yo'selves to a slice of the pie, so I'm gonna do you's a favor and shove it down yo' damn throats!

After a few minutes of waiting, someone finally makes their way out.

???: *spits* ¡I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO CONTRIBUTE! Unless they've got good reason, in that case, I won't spit. But it'll still peeve me, but not as much.



"The Good Guy" Crushing Mayhem makes his way out, stopping at the top of the ramp, chewing on a slice of bread, as the crowd of guests and lurkers shower him with activity. He already has a microphone in hand, taking it to his mouth in order to address Cartoni.

Crushing: Don't worry, mang. We good. You were only trying to be active from the get-go and you were banned before you were given a proper chance. It's hard to try and be active nowadays when you're a new member, mang. I see you, chico.

Cartoni: You's were the very one that called fo' my ban in the foist place, you piece'o shit!

Crushing: I very well may have done that, chico, but I'm sure I got a good reason for taking such action. I don't just do those things, mang, unless I just sort of do those things. It's hard, mang, trying to keep active with everybody else when you're a staff member. It eats away at your activity levels, yet you still find time to come on and keep active anyway. It's a paradox like that, chico.

Cartoni: YOU'RE A FUCKING PARADOX, CHICO! You permanently banned me, your Mr. 1000, without any good rhyme or reason! So I'm gonna go's down there and fuckin breaka yo' face all ova that ramp! And then I'm gonna SPIT right on yo' coipse!

Crushing: But mang, I didn't come out here to fight. I came out here to fill in on commentary because its inactivity thus far has sicken me, mang. So I'm gonna go right on ahead and do that, and you can just fill out and send in a report detailing your grievances me and we may or may not lift your ban, most likely not in your case, chico. Cussing out a staff member doesn't really help your case, mang.

Crushing heads over to the broadcast booth much to Cartoni's dismay.

Cartoni: Crushing! You's get down here and take yo' lumps like my mama on a Saturday night!

???: FEED. ME. MORE. 





PatBack marches down towards the ring, inciting as many members of the crowd as he can along the way.


The camera quickly returns backstage to the Deathmatch midcarders, who all look on at PatBack's return with nervous faces.

Harria: He doesn't still want to kill us all, right? As in the entire SpongeBob Community? Because I sure as fuuuuck didn't return for this guest spot just to be fed to that fag. Nuh uh. That'd just be rude. The day that shit'll happen is the day I turn out to be black.

Renegade the Unicorn pops in on their little viewing party.

Renegade: Guys! How can you all be having yourselves a little viewing party without The One Man Show, baybay! :Laugh:

Harria: Ummm, just who the fuck are you?

Renegade: Damn girl, you feisty. :Laugh: I like em a little feisty! :funny:  My name is Renegade *offers her his penis* and I am gonna be your boyfriend and/or stalker for quite a long while to come! You-you ever thought about getting a nose ring? I like me a good nose ring, it gives me a lil something to aim for for when you eventually decide to give me head. You watch Glitter Force? You totally should right now if you haven't already, how's about you and I Netflix and chill it tonight, or maybe just chill. Either/or, whichever gets me in your pants quicker!

Harria: First off, RUDE. I'm just gonna stop you right there. And secondly

She proceeds to slap the taste out of his mouth and storms off.

Renegade: Hot damn, girl! Did that turn anybody else on or was it just me?!

The rest of the lower card members leaves Ren to himself.

Renegade: Fucking sickos, probably heading off to jerk off to that right now. The fucking indecency of some people.

The scene returns to PatBack on his way to the ring.


Crushing: Well, isn't this quite a startling development, chicos. "The Tough Guy" is back home in the Deathmatch Arena after what's felt like actual years, mang. He first bursted onto the Deathmatch scene in dramatic fashion all the way back in 2013, interfering in deathmatch correspondent,CF's, deathmatch against the voice of Community Deathmatch, Jjsthemang, pretty much handing our director in chief the victory. I may not quite agree with the circumstances of that result, but you can't really argue the big results that PatBack brings whenever he makes his presence known here on Community Deathmatch. And the crowd is going absolutely nuts, both in support and in spite of "Big Homophobe". Jes, PatBack's long storied history against the gays withstanding this test of time. The Deathmatch faithful can go both ways when it comes to the self-proclaimed "Psycho for Success", and his opinions of bisexuals are really none the better.. PatBack looking to make his official return at the expense of Mr. 1000, himself, mang. What better way to remind people just who you are and what you are about, well, aside from simply just making a topic for your return. Jou know I'd just hate to see either one of these members go, but whoever just so happens to bring with them the most contribution, then may that most active chico win, mang.  That's all I can really hope for, sort of.

PatBack marches his way into the ring, eventually finding himself standing across the ring from Cartoni, who honestly doesn't know what to make of Big Homophobe.


Cartoni: And just what the fuck do you's want?


PatBack immediately goes on the offensive and rams Cartoni into the corner with some vicious shoulder thrusts and clubbing right hands. He then lays into the Italian with some clotheslines right onto the corner across the neck and chest before pulling Cartoni in and hoisting him into the air almost effortlessly for the everyone in attendance to see.

Renegade is seen against viewing from backstage, liking what his seeing.

Renegade: Goddamn, is that not giving anybody else a raging fucking boner right now? Is it just me? You know what, don't tell me. That's too much information to be giving out, you sick fucks? Keep your boners to yourselves.

Ren says before focusing back on the match, biting down on his fist and fluttering his eyes in pure lust.


PatBack proceeds to gorilla press slam Cartoni into oblivion then sizes him up for one of his signature maneuvers.

Crushing: Oh no, chicos, PatBack could be looking for one of his signature Meathook Clotheslines.



Crushing: That's the contribution that took ExKizuna out of the game, chicos. All the way back in season two, mang. Very few can remain active after feeling the brunt of it.

We head back to Ren, who just finishes wiping up his crotch with a Kleenex tissue (sponsor us, Kleenex). 

Renegade: Yeeeeaahhh that really hits the g spot right there, you can feed me more all day-

He notices the camera and sneezes into the tissue to hide his implied dirty deeds.

Renegade: Allergies, mang, shit :Laugh: it's spring you know, pollens is in the air and what not. Love is in the air, too. You know, I don't think we should really keep running into each other like this, y'all crazy! I've got a girlfriend, TrixieTheUsherette, you know! Y'all crazy, get off my dick! But, ya know, not before you've finished riding it just a bit more. Put me back in my happy place. You all should really watch Glitter Force if you haven't yet. Don't make me force you now! Hahaha! Because I will. Goddamn is that guy a butcher or what? Because he can hook my meat anytime :Laugh: I'm talking about like in the meat department of a supermarket, you sickos :okay: ya'll really need to get your minds out of the gutter and focus it on Glitter Force. Fuck.

We return back to PatBack, who is looking to seal away Cartoni Giochi's fate. He picks Cartoni up and positions him firmly onto his shoulder, marching around the ring, carrying him around like he's nothing. PatBack then plants Cartoni back firmly into the mat with a devastating Shell Cocked! Cartoni spazzes out on the mat from the sheer force and velocity of the technique.


Crushing: Cartoni Giochi being left absolutely shell shocked following that devastating Shell Cocked, mang. This is very well the end of his tenure here not only on Community Deathmatch, but on SBC as we may or may not know it.


Crushing: And PatBack is somehow not finished with him yet, mang. The activity levels are really pumping in him tonight, the crowd is feeding him practically to no end. There is just no telling what his limit may or may not be, chicos.

PatBack punches a whole into Cartoni's spine and proceeds to rip out a portion of his spinal column all the way up to his skull. He then uses it to impale Cartoni's rapidly dying husk right through the abdomen.


Crushing: And PatBack literally takes him out with his patented De-Boner! We sure as The Good Guy haven't seen that maneuver be used since the season one finale, chicos! PatBack is back, and he is still in perfect posting form.

Cartoni drops dead as PatBack dusts off his hands, as if he had just finished a mere chore, and raises his arms in total victory.


Clem, having clearly seen more than enough, tries to raise PatBack's hand in victory but gets scared away by being called a "fagnut". We return backstage one final time as Renegade reaches his climax in stereo to that of this Deathmatch's. Suddenly, "The Abominable Pitch Man" @Jaredthedecimator walks up on him and checks out PatBack for himself.


Renegade: Well, hello there big guy :funny: Are you just as big down there or are you just compensating? :funny:

Jared sizes Ren up and gets right in his face.

Jared: I bet this is closest you've ever gotten to a REAL sexual situation?

Renegade: Don't be putting me out there like that, mang. I've been in much more online sexual situations, thank you very much :Laugh:

Jared: Then you best now consider this the closest you've ever gotten, because you are just TOO. DAMN. OLD.

Renegade: Yeah, but we shouldn't let that stop us from still doing something strange though, right? HAHA! I'm just testing you! :Laugh: goddamn man, you would really try to tempt me away from girlfriend, my baybay, Mistpelt? You are just all sorts of messed up, mang!

Jared grabs Renegade and tosses him into the nearest Industrial Park with all his shit topics. Jared then focuses his attention back to PatBack on the monitor, looking as if he had just found the missing puzzle piece in his life.

We head back to PatBack celebrating by trolling the crowd some more.


Crushing: What a statement of anti-gay sentiment left here tonight by The Tough Guy. I may not entirely agree with his philosophies, but I can't disagree with what he contributes here to the Deathmatch Arena. Well, chicos, from just me here, evidently, at Community Deathmatch, The Good Guy would like to wish you a good fight, good night, mang.




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Rest in Power, Hotrod                                                                             

いち ルル: ルルは したがう すっかり
に ルル: かべ かくたない


♚ ♛ ♜ ♝ ♞

▀▄▀▄▀▄ ąɲ¥๏ɲ€ ȼąɲ $µȼЌ ρ€ɲɨ$, βµţ ɲ๏β๏ď¥ ȼąɲ ρ€€ $µȼЌɲɨ$ ▄▀▄▀▄▀

Put your hands over your hearts… and in a loud, clear voice, say along with me… We, The People.

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You're hitting it out of the park lately, good job :Laugh: 






signature by shin


I was the June 2015 Employee Of The Month


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Funny af.



Thanks to Sandy for this sig!


Active Works: Power Rangers: Multiverse ForceParanoia and Cerebus the Aardvark (co-written with GreyKnight151)

Inactive/Cancelled/Ended Works: 

I was the August 2016 Employee of the Month!

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, its just a spam!

Weeeeellllll, It's The OBAB Show! Part Three

The final part of the three-part OBAB Show Community Deathmatch Special opens us up to Ssj telling some poor kids that the reason that their dog had to be put down was because they touched themselves at night. He's interrupted by the timely arrival of SBM moderator, Grubby Grouper.


Grubby: Ssj! Ssj! Ssj!

Ssj: What? What? What?


Ssj: Yes?! Yes?! Yes?!

Grubby: He said! He said! He said!

Ssj: Out with it, man, or by Kami, I'll arrange to have an accident scheduled to be done to your dog just so that I can tell you that it had to be put down because you touch yourself at night!

Grubby: Ssj, I've just received report that Amphitrite is in big trouble!

Ssj: What is it now?!

Grubby: The OBAB Show is filming a live episode right now and the basic premise of it is that he's gonna get back at everybody else for not being able to tell what a spam is by threatening to throw the princess off a ledge!

Ssj: You're kidding me?

Grubby: No.

Ssj: That's more of a threat than Team Rocket ever posed to me! L-Let's go! Lets go! Grubby, you're fired! Cha is coming with me! We have to go save my bottom bitch, come on!

They walk briskly towards the filming location, the forum banner.


Amphitrite: Oh dear Neptune! Please, OBAB, please! Come on!

OBAB: I bet this is not a spam now, is it?! You gonna report me now?

Amphitrite: No!

OBAB: Oh no?!

Amphitrite: Oh my god, no! Come on, OBAB!

OBAB: No, you're not gonna report me, are ya?!

Amphitrite: Neptune, pleas-!



OBAB: LOUDER! Or I'll throw you off of here RIGHT NOW! Louder!

Amphitrite: Oh god! You're not- I would never report you, please! Come on, OBAB! OBAB, please, come on!

OBAB: That's the problem with people like you, like everyone else here, YOU DON'T TAKE ME SRS!!! You don't believe in me! How am I supposed to make a goddamn show without everything I post looking like a goddamn spam to you people?!


OBAB: Maybe if I threw you off, you'll take me srsly, huh?!

Ssj: OBAB! OBAB! OBAB, what in Dende's name are you doing?!

OBAB: Ssj, I'm tired of it!

Ssj: OBAB, let the princess go!

OBAB: Oh, I will give her over!

OBAB positions her even closer to the edge.

OBAB: Believe me!

Ssj: OBAB, it's my responsibility if something happens to her on my site!

OBAB: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! Everything has always been your responsibility!

Ssj: OBAB, please, just stay there! I'm coming up! Cha, make sure he doesn't move.

Cha: *spongebob salute*

Ssj goes and makes his way up to the banner.

OBAB: Come on, princess, it's funny, huh?! This is a spam to you! HAHAHAHA!


OBAB: It's funny! You laughed at me earlier! Now I don't have an online home! Huh?! Now that I have to quit all because you just wouldn't allow me to be a good noodle!

Amphitrite: PLEASE!

Cha: OBAB, stop!

OBAB: Laugh at me, princess! LAUGH! If you don't laugh, I swear to Neptune I'm gonna make you scream. You understand me? I WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM!

Amphitrite: AAAHH!

OBAB: Scream for everybody to hear-

Ssj: OBAB!


Ssj: You put Amphitrite down right now!


Ssj: Because I'm not gonna lose a perfectly fine piece of ass over this! It's MY ass, not yours!

OBAB: You think I give a SHIT about your ass?!

Ssj: Hey, if you think everybody els here gave you problems, I'll give you worse, so put her down!

OBAB: YOU'RE gonna give ME problems?

Ssj: You're damn right!


Ssj: OBAB, you cut it out now! You get away from me, you big fat meanie!


OBAB: So that's what you want?

Ssj: Oh no you don't! Get off me, OBAB! You let me go! Let me go! OBAB-



Amphitrite: SSJ! Oh no!

Cha: sbnooo.png

Cha quickly gets herself out of the way of ssj's landing point and he hits the bottom of the forum hard.

Amphitrite: AAHH! Oh my god! Ssj!

She scrambles over to see ssj's body lying motionlessly at the bottom.


Amphitrite: Look at what you did! Ssj?!

Cha is too much in conflict with herself to do anything, Grubby had just been fired, PhilipB has a life I guess, The Mod That Everybody Forgot is still an afterthought on everybody's minds, this didn't take place in the chat so it's out of Aya's jurisdiction, Prez and Tide & Seeker's positions have even less sway. OBAB gets down on one knee to casually survey the results of his heinous actions.


OBAB begins to break down in tears, perhaps just realizing the severity of his actions. Suddenly


???: We're coming down.


The Abney Boyz, brothers Bubba Beck and T-Rex, make their way to the scene of the offense. They check on Ssj, and their reactions seem pretty dire. They then focus their attention up towards a bawling OBAB.

Abney: What's going on here?

T-Rex: Well?

OBAB: Ssj and I were fighting :(

Abney: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID? OBAB, I can fully believe myself when I say that for your crimes against Ssj, and therefore SBM as a whole, I sentence be banned from SBM! May Neptune have mercy on your soul.

OBAB: I'm a good noodle! I'M A GOOD NOODLE!


T-Rex Abney busts out a couple of perfectly good Mario Kart records for his brother to break by putting OBAB right through them. 

T-Rex: Oh my brother, TEST THE SLIIIIIDE!


OBAB understandably pusses out and does what any banned and/or jilted member from SBM would do in this situation, he back pockets towards the SpongeBob Community for his life, in a desperate bid to escape maximum punishment courtesy of The Abneys.

OBAB finally crosses the border where his tabs for SBM and SBC meet, finally escaping The Abney's persecution, for now. OBAB wanders aimlessly around the SBC homepage, changing constantly from winking to crying at the wink of an eye, since unsurprisingly, SBC is also full of people who can't stand him. He finally comes across Krusty Towers and  decides to set up a room and an intro topic for himself.

OBAB: Hi guys I'm OBAB and well.. You might know me and I'm truly sorry to any SBMer for what I did but I won't do it here I like SpongeBob and my favorite episode is The Camping Episode ;)

Majority of everybody:

Crushing: Hey there, mang! Be active or I'll kill you! If I feel like it, at least.

Fred: Well, just as long as you have a good attitude, you'll be alright here. Welcome. qCC1Hn0.jpg.49ebc1d6cd0dd53529822cc5da65 Just remember tumblr_inline_nr9kk5gj2v1tsrelg_500.gif

MDPP: Welcome to SBC, Ol Bold and Brash!

Grubby: welcome to SBC. Thanks for getting back at Ssj for me! :D

SpongeBob's #1 Fan: *something to facepalm and/or headdesk at*

OWM: Welcome! We'll be keeping an eye on you. :stinkeye: I hope you've learned a valuable lesson! ;)

And then finally, the director in chief himself, Jjsthekid, logs on to fully accept OBAB into the SBC family because we're pressed for new members.

Jjs: Whatever happened on SBM will stay on SBM, and I welcome you with open arms here. Welcome to SBC.

OBAB: Don't worry guys, I'll be a good noodle! ;)

Later, Teenj has just finished wrapping up the latest episode for one of his critically acclaimed spinoffs and goes to update it accordingly when OBAB suddenly posts a re-run of SpingeBill's Adventure right afterwards.




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Rest in Power, Hotrod                                                                             

いち ルル: ルルは したがう すっかり
に ルル: かべ かくたない


♚ ♛ ♜ ♝ ♞

▀▄▀▄▀▄ ąɲ¥๏ɲ€ ȼąɲ $µȼЌ ρ€ɲɨ$, βµţ ɲ๏β๏ď¥ ȼąɲ ρ€€ $µȼЌɲɨ$ ▄▀▄▀▄▀

Put your hands over your hearts… and in a loud, clear voice, say along with me… We, The People.

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KEEP 'EM COMING! Heh, heh...I said "coming".



Thanks to Sandy for this sig!


Active Works: Power Rangers: Multiverse ForceParanoia and Cerebus the Aardvark (co-written with GreyKnight151)

Inactive/Cancelled/Ended Works: 

I was the August 2016 Employee of the Month!

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