Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

[Wumbo]

I am aware of Nate Dogg, yes. Although I get where you're coming from, I don't think Ray Dalton is meant to sound like Nate Dogg. They just happen to have similar voices. Ray Dalton sounds a little more mature and refined, IMO (not necessarily a good or bad thing).

 

Whether you think "Same Love" is false or not (and I don't) you need to admit that it's at least something new to come to hip hop. How many other pro-gay hip hop anthems can you think of?

[Doctor Sex]

Oh true that but conscious/feel good hip hop has gone a long way these past few years but I'm still not a fan of Same Love. Also it's kind of ironic Macklemore ripped off this beat from an actual gay rapper for Thrift Shop (although I will admit this song is way worse then Thrift Shop)

Spoiler

[Ron]

I don't like Same Love as a song either. Definitely respect it for its concept and forward-thinking-ness.

[Wumbo]

Hey guys!

 

Due to the overwhelming reception my year-end 2013 list received, I've decided to make this into a bi-monthly sort of deal (that's every two months, not twice a month), taking looks at year-end charts of the past and ranking them as well. First up on the chopping block: we're going back to...
 

1996

 

The year of The Macarena. The year of Tha Crossroads. The year of the goddamn Gin Blossoms. And I'm going to look back at it all... starting next week.

[Burgerpants]

Sweet man

[Steel Sponge]

I'll be looking forward to your list.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Steel's Going for a Ride

[Wumbo]

Just saying, a quick look at this year tells me that the music in 1996 rocked hard. It might be a tad difficult to say bad things, but with two Macarenas, not impossible.

 

Also, another thing: there is a distressing number of A-side/B-side or double singles in 1996. I guess I have to average it out?

[Wumbo]

All right, so reviewing this year, I can safely say that I was right in my assumption: this was a kickass year for music. I'm pretty sure I'll still be saying positive things well into the 60s of my list, so bear with me on this confusing "top/bottom" stuff when I'm saying positive things about some of the "bottom" half.

 

Any-hoo! Let's get started with

 

Wumbo's Ranking of 1996 in Music

 

The Top:

 

Spoiler

50. "I Got Id" - Pearl Jam

 

 

I'm really glad that Pearl Jam squeaked into the top half of this list, because I'm not sure if I would be able to live with myself if they didn't. Just goes to show how good the music was this year if one of my favourite bands is struggling to make the top half of the list. But also... this isn't one of Pearl Jam's best. It doesn't quite have the conviction that songs like "Jeremy" or even "Betterman" did. That said, it's still a great tune. I don't think I've heard anything by Pearl Jam that I dislike.

 

Spoiler

49. "All The Things (Your Man Won't Do)" - Joe

 

 

1996 (and I guess the rest of the 90's, too) had a metric fuckton of R&B. And there was some stupid stuff in the mix, which I'll obviously get to later. But most of it was sincere and interesting, like this song. Poor guy, his dream girl loves a man that don't treat her right. La la la LA la...

 

Spoiler

48. "Before You Walk Out of My Life"/"Like This and Like That" - Monica

 

 

The one pain in the ass I had with reviewing this year's songs were the number of double singles on the Year-End Charts. It makes absolutely no sense to me. It's not as if these songs charted as double singles; they charted separately! Regardless, I tried to work with it as best I could, and here's two Monica songs at number 48 as a result. Admittedly, they're good compliments to each other; "Before You Walk Out of My Life" is a heartfelt ballad, and "Like This and Like That" is a song where Monica's moving on because her squeeze won't give her a commitment. And they're both great songs. In a year where R&B ruled, you gotta weed out the bad from the good. And Monica is definitely part of the good crowd, especially since she was 16 at the time holy shit.

 

(Look at this I can't even put both videos in the post come on)

 

Spoiler

47. "Only Wanna Be With You" - Hootie & the Blowfish

 

 

Okay, I like Hootie & the Blowfish. I don't understand the hate they get. You must be a pretty coldhearted person if you seriously hate Darius Rucker. Come on, this song and band are great. Good mindless rock, this song. And there's still more coming up. Sorry.

 

(Okay, this video is stupid. I'll give you that.)

 

Spoiler

46. "Don't Cry" - Seal

 

 

Okay, hate on "Kiss From a Rose" all you want, but don't deny that Seal has a set of pipes on him. (Also, don't hate on "Kiss from a Rose" all you want, that song is good.) You can tell that Seal's exactly where he needs to be with this song: slow, soulful, and heartfelt. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Fun fact: This is the second time the #100 song is #46 on my list. Well, I thought it was fun.

 

Spoiler

45. "Old Man and Me (When I Get to Heaven" - Hootie & the Blowfish

 

 

I promise, the Hootie & the Blowfish will end soon enough. But if I'm being completely honest on this list, I have to put them on the top half. (Hey, be glad it's not 1995, because "Hold My Hand" is my favourite song by them.) Anyway, this song is a jam. I couldn't tell you what this song's about:

 

He said the sun will never hurt you 

Never harmed anyone 

But you must realize 

If you try to stare her down 

She will win in the end 

She will burn your eyes 

She will burn them 

 

Uh, don't stare at the sun? Good advice?

 

But hell, I just like the music on it. And ultimately, unless the lyrics are absolutely atrocious (more on that later), a good production can save bad lyrics. That's what happened here. I don't even think this song should be happy, but whatever. It's mindless ear candy, and I'll eat it.

 

Spoiler

44. "Nobody Knows" - The Tony Rich Project

 

 

Boyz II Men The Tony Rich Project were a great R&B group, and this song shows it. It's simple, but it doesn't need to be any more complicated. The lyrics and harmonies get the message across perfectly. Tony even sounds like he's about to burst into tears at one point. Awww.

 

Spoiler

43. "Loungin" - LL Cool J

 

 

Yeah, this is the LL I like. Cheesy pickup line LL Cool J. More importantly, Catchy cheesy pickup line LL Cool J. It was a mixed year for me in terms of LL, but this song shows that he hasn't completely lost it. "Accidental Racist" does a good job of it, though, if you're interested.

 

Spoiler

42. "Why I Love You So Much"/"Ain't Nobody" - Monica

 

 

The second Monica dual-track anomaly, featuring Treach of Naughty By Nature! That's enough for it to slide past the first one, but the production on "Ain't Nobody" is also probably the strongest of all four songs. Sounds a little more funky and raunchy. Just what a sex song needs.

 

Spoiler

41. "Runaway" - Janet Jackson

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRm00quEilA

 

This is probably Janet Jackson at her cheesiest, but I can't hate on it. It's still a really fun song to listen to. Janet Jackson pulls off the chipper syrup-sweet pop thing well , without coming off as annoying. (Never mind that "runaway" is a noun and "run away" should have been used instead.)

[Wumbo]

The Bottom:

 

Spoiler

51. "Always Be My Baby" - Mariah Carey

 

 

God bless Mariah Carey's soul. I just said that so y'all wouldn't think I have some personal vendetta against her or something. Because I like her, I really do. She's got a beautiful voice. In fact, I still like this song. It's funky, and the singing is top-notch. It's just... there were 50 better songs than this one this year. (Yep, this is going to be as awkward as I anticipated...)

 

Spoiler

52. "I Can't Sleep Baby (If I)" - R. Kelly

 

 

Oh, God bless R. Kelly too, although a little less so because of, well, the "peeing on little girls" incident. But say what you will about R. Kelly. Before the scandals, he really did put his heart and soul into his heartache songs. This is honestly a little dull, but I give it points for the emotion it shows.

 

Spoiler

53. "Set U Free" - Planet Soul

 

 

As far as the dance tracks on this list go, this one falls a little flat. It's still pretty cool, but dance music was so good this year that this one didn't make the cut for Top 50. I just think it needs a little more, that's all.

 

Spoiler

54. "Beautiful Life" - Ace of Base

 

 

You know it's been a good year in music when I can say that I liked a song from Ace of Base, one of the most insipid, brainless bands in pop music history. This, while cheesy at parts, was a passable hit from the band. I mean, at least it's not "UUUUYYYY SOAW DA SOYIN". (#1 song of 1994, people.)

 

Spoiler

55. "Who Will Save Your Soul" - Jewel

 

 

Eh, it's just kind of boring. And Jewel's singing isn't the best. But I do kind of appreciate what's trying to be done here; a serious song about morality.

 

So get out on the streets, girls, and bust your butts.

 

Yes, "bust your butts". But the song does show sincerity, and Jewel sounds better when she's not belting out words Shakira-style

 

Spoiler

56. "Tell Me" - Groove Theory

 

 

Again, this just doesn't cut it for its genre this year. It's got a decent beat, and I guess it sets a good mood for the subject matter, but there was so. Much. Better. R&B this year.

 

Spoiler

57. "Breakfast at Tiffany's" - Deep Blue Something

 

 

Okay, this song is so stupid it's actually charming. The story this song tells is near-nonexistent. It's probably the most mediocre story in pop music. Guy and girl try to find common ground, and what they find is that they both sorta like the film Breakfast at Tiffany's. Stupid, stupid, stupid! But at least it's catchy. And the Deep Blue Something frontman really tries to sell this idea that it wasn't just a casual surrender, that they discovered that, yes, their mild appreciation for an Audrey Hepburn film has been what's been keeping them together! Glorious! It just comes off as really, really goofy, but I can appreciate it in that sense.

 

Spoiler

58. "One Sweet Day" - Mariah Carey ft. Boyz II Men

 

 

I swear I like Mariah Carey. I do.

 

Okay, look, I guess I understand why this song reached #2 on the year-end charts. It's got two of the already-biggest names in R&B, a booming genre in the 90's, and puts them together for probably one of the sappiest things ever written. Thank God the two artists can carry this song, because if this had fallen into the hands of, say, Celine Dion and Color Me Badd, it would be scraping the bottom.

 

Spoiler

59. "Un-Break My Heart" - Toni Braxton

 

 

I'm not the hugest Toni Braxton fan. I do think she has a great voice, and the lyrics of this song actually surpass the one just above it (and certainly Breakfast at freakin' Tiffany's). But the productions on her songs are just so... underwhelming. And that's what brings this song to the bottom half.

 

Spoiler

60. "You're Makin' Me High"/"Let it Flow" - Toni Braxton

 

 

The lowest-ranking double song, so the rest stand alone in their okayness, mediocrity, or badness. Look, two Toni Braxton songs is just not what I need after one underwhelming one. There's nothing wrong with them, really. In fact, I can point out a lot of good things about "Let it Flow" (ohai T-Boz). But they just didn't make it for me on a list of awesome music.

[CyanideFishbone]

Oh 1996. The year after my birthyear. To get off-topic from 1996 for a moment, there's probably a lot of cool things about music in 1995. Yeah, we got Michael Jackson! Bon Jovi! Notorious B.I.G.! TLC! Madonna! Janet Jackson.....Hootie and the Blowfish...........Bryan Adams. IMO, 1995 almost seemed like a boring year. It's just that I don't even know half of those songs.

 

1996 is a bit more recognizable year to me, with songs like "Macarena," "One Sweet Day," "Follow You Down," and two of what I would consider my guilty pleasures, "Wonderwall" and "Breakfast at Tiffany's."  Bad thing is, Macarena was in the year-end charts TWICE. (Come on, you already your turn, Los Del Rio!) I wouldn't be surprised seeing Alanis Morissette somewhere in the Top Best. (Sadly, I haven't heard her music as of yet, but I might as well get down to it now.)

 

If I did one of these, I'd probably do 1997...but in an abridged type of way like Clappy's Top 10 best/worst Billboard countdowns.

 

Back on subject, I'll be looking forward to your list.

And the N64, one of the best systems of all time

 

It was 5 years before i was born, soooo

[Wumbo]

The Top:

 

Spoiler

40. "Pony" - Ginuwine

 

 

1996 was a pretty great year, but it was also a stupid year at times, especially with songs like these. As a result, I had to weed through good-stupid and bad-stupid. This is an example of good-stupid. I mean, look at this chorus:

 

If you're horny, let's do it

Ride it, my pony

My saddle's waiting

Come and jump on it

 

"My saddle's waiting." Oh, Jesus. But I can still dig this song, because it goes full force with stupidity. I mean, it really sells the "pony" metaphor.

 

Until I reach your stream

You'll be on my jockey team

 

Plus, it's got a pretty killer beat. This is pretty much the textbook example of my valuing music over lyrics.

 

Spoiler

39. "No One Else" - Total

 

 

Speaking of killer beats, here's another one. This is what separates sex songs I like from sex songs I don't like: this sounds sexy! It's such a weird concept, I don't know how anybody picked up on it. Da Brat delivers a great rap verse, and the song just works.

 

Spoiler

38. "Diggin' On You" - TLC

 

 

Aw yeah, TLC. I seriously doubt that a TLC song will ever be in my bottom 50. They're just such a cool, raunchy, not-giving-a-fuck band. I can dig on that.

 

Spoiler

37. "Po Pimp" - Do or Die ft. Twista

 

 

Speaking of things I can dig, this song. The rappers' flows here are awesome, and as usual, the lyrics really aren't even that good. A lot of the time they're just spelling "pimp", for God's sake. But what separates this rap song from other rap songs with bad lyrics that I hate is, like I said, the flow. It's why "Bugatti" wasn't that low on my 2013 list, and it's why this one makes my top half of 1996. Love that hook, too.

 

Spoiler

36. "Keep On, Keepin' On" - MC Lyte ft. Xscape

 

 

There are actually a lot more female rappers than I thought there were. Certainly more than there are today. Anyway. MC Lyte gives the males a run for their money with her pure attitude shining through on this song. And as usual, that hook is gold.

 

Spoiler

35. "Hook" - Blues Traveler

 

 

Speaking of hooks... okay, I'm doing that segue waaay too often. But this is a brilliant satire of pop music, that itself became popular. "Take that, one-hit wonder status!" say Blues Traveler. I like "Run-Around" well enough, but if this is a better representation of what Blues Traveler's music is like, I may have to check them out. Also, no song with a harmonica is ever bad. Harmonicas are the duct tape of music, not that this song needs duct tape.

 

Spoiler

34. "That Girl" - Maxi Priest ft. Shaggy

 

 

Oh, Shaggy Shaggy Shaggy. You had very little to do with this song's placement. No, this song is all Maxi Priest (or at least I wish it was). This guy knows how to go full seductive with his voice and the music. Although I should commend Shaggy for not bringing down this song too much. (Disclaimer: Shaggy can be a huge guilty pleasure for me at times.)

 

Also, what is seriously up with these videos? SEXY GROCERY SHOPPING

 

Spoiler

33. "If It Makes You Happy" - Sheryl Crow

 

 

There's something very raw and honest about Sheryl Crow that keeps on bringing me back to her music. Looking back on it, this was a great year for female artists. We had the rockers and we had the rappers, and they weren't afraid to show that women can be just as talented and relevant as men in the music industry. Anyway, this is not a happy song. But somehow, it's still a catchy song, and one of my favourites by Sheryl Crow.

 

Spoiler

32. "Elevators (Me & You)" - Outkast

 

 

"Ms. Jackson" forever when it comes to Outkast, but this is definitely a worthwhile song too. I dig the beat, and both André 3000 and Big Boi deliver. Pretty solid hook, too.

 

Spoiler

31. "Fantasy" - Mariah Carey

 

 

I told you guys I liked Mariah Carey! Yeah, this song is funktastic, sexy, and of course, well-sung. Can't praise it enough, but maybe that's a good thing, because if I did, you'd wonder why I only put it at #31. It was a good year for music, remember (lol this is more of a 1995 song but whatever).

 

If this was the Bad Boy Remix featuring Ol' Dirty Bastard, it might have been even higher.

[Wumbo]

The Bottom:

Spoiler

61. "Anything" - 3T

Look, in this year, you have to really, really deliver with your R&B. This just doesn't cut it. It's a nice song, slightly above boy band level. Nothing more.

Spoiler

62. "Sittin' Up In My Room" - Brandy

A fair number of songs on this list came off of the Waiting to Exhale soundtrack, a late 1995 movie. I don't know about the movie, but the songs weren't very good. This is the highest-ranking one, and it's just okay. The beat is the strong point of this song, and even then it's lacking somewhat. If we're judging solely on musical ability, then that boy in "The Boy is Mine" should be Monica's.

Spoiler

63. "Jealousy" - Natalie Merchant

How Natalie Merchant became popular is a mystery to me. She has virtually no star power; she's an enigma of popularity. Nevertheless, I can't really say I have much against this song, but I don't have much for it, either. It's like if you took Sheryl Crow minus the edge. Only in Adult Contemporary Land, I guess.

Spoiler

64. "Where Do You Go" - No Mercy

Okay, even I have a breaking point when it comes to stupid, catchy dance songs. I don't hate this song, but there's not much to like about it, either. It's mindless in a mediocre way moreso than a fun way. Oh well. *grooves*

Spoiler

65. "Doin' It" - LL Cool J

I can't really explain why this song doesn't do it for me, but it doesn't. It might be the lackluster chorus. It might be the just-a-little-too-stupid lyrics:

[LeShaun]
Damn my lover dig down, you use a rubber?
[LL Cool J]
Damn right
[LeShaun]
You are my lover
[LL Cool J]
All night

Safe sex: important when livin' the thug life.

Anyway, it's just not that great. Again, don't hate it, but don't love it either.

Spoiler

66. "Until it Sleeps" - Metallica

Of all the songs on the bottom half of my list, this is the one that surprised me the most. I never in my life thought I'd put a Metallica song on this side. But here we are, and I'd better explain myself. This song is a lot like "I Got Id", in that it doesn't provide sufficient conviction for a band that's usually good at it. Usually Metallica either goes full force at all times, or can make the soft and loud parts work together, like in "One". But here? It seems like a bit of a mess, like the song doesn't know what it's doing. I like Metallica a lot, but this is probably my least favourite song by them.

Spoiler

67. "My Boo" - Ghost Town DJ's

Uh, mediocre R&B with mediocre lyrics over mediocre dance beats. This is starting to get tedious.

Spoiler

68. "Hit Me Off" - New Edition

Look, if you can't pull off the Boyz II Men shtick, then don't try. This just sounds stupid. The chorus sounds less seductive and more bewildered. HIT ME OFF???!

Okay, at long last, we're pulling into the bad stuff of this year. It took a while of awkwardness, but these Boyz II Men/Michael Jackson/Snoop Dogg wannabes are the perfect segue into the dark side of 1996 music.

Spoiler

69. "Soon As I Get Home" - Faith Evans

Ehhh, Faith Evans has a nice voice, but when I hear this song I really can't hear anything but "boring". Sorry.

Spoiler

70. "This is Your Night" - Amber

I said I had a breaking point when it came to stupid dance music, but this is past stupid and just full-on annoying. DABADABADADADAYDABA shut up.

[Clappy]

Metallica just got worse the longer they remained relevant.  It doesn't surprise me though.

[Burgerpants]

Metallica just got worse the longer they remained relevant.  It doesn't surprise me though.

The entire St. Anger album proved it.

[Wumbo]

Metallica just got worse the longer they remained relevant.  It doesn't surprise me though.

At least this was before the Napster lawsuit.

 

The Top:

 

Spoiler

30. "Time" - Hootie & the Blowfish

 

 

There, the last Hootie & the Blowfish song. Now all the good music will follow. Of all the Hootie songs, this one is definitely up there with being one of my favourites. It's a more serious song, but they still manage to have fun with it. They're just such a fun band to me; I really enjoy listening to them. There's a reason Cracked Rear View is one of the best selling albums of all time. Rock on, Rucker.

 

Spoiler

29. "Theme from Mission: Impossible" - Adam Clayton and Larry Mullen

 

 

Come on, who doesn't love the Mission: Impossible theme? Especially the jazzed-up one that one half of U2 recorded. This shit is awesome. I don't think I even need to explain it. This is like not liking the Ghostbusters theme. If you don't, there's no use explaining it.

 

Spoiler

28. "Wonderwall" - Oasis

 

 

Yeah, yeah, overrated as fuck, frat boy with minimal acoustic guitar skills anthem. I don't care. This song is a classic, and no one will tell me otherwise. Is it the best Oasis song? Not by a long shot. But in the interest of these lists, who cares? This was the only one to make a Year-End list in the States, so obviously it was the only one that really ended up striking a chord (no pun intended) with the American public. Hate on it all you want, "Wonderwall" is awesome.

 

Spoiler

27. "Change the World" - Eric Clapton

 

 

I'm not the hugest Eric Clapton fan, but I definitely think he's at his best when he's stripped down like this and singing from the heart. No extra fluff to hide the soul behind the man, and it comes full force here. Eric Clapton's solo career, I think, is better than Cream. I wonder how many friends I'm going to lose with that statement...

 

Spoiler

26. "Sweet Dreams" - La Bouche

 

 

Of course, after preaching the joys of music without fluff, I post a fluffy dance song. By now you should know I flip-flop more than a Mitt Romney campaign on my musical opinions, but I'm always here to back them up. La Bouche really nailed the techno genre, especially with the singer. Nonsense lyrics can be annoying if you don't have the right singer, but Melanie Thornton fit the bill, always sounding powerful and seductive without being annoying. RIP.

 

Spoiler

25. "You Learn"/"You Oughta Know" - Alanis Morissette

 

 

My biggest complaint with Alanis is spelling her last name. Other than that, very few complaints as far as her music goes. This year gave me a double whammy of her music, sitting at one post, and I couldn't resist putting it on the top quarter. Obviously "You Oughta Know" is the standout track here, but don't count out "You Learn" either. Alanis was always kind of in the Sheryl Crow vein of artists to me, edgy with descriptive, sometimes silly lyrics, but never losing that personality. I mean, there's so much energy on "You Oughta Know". It literally rocks. I can get behind this waaay better than most Beyoncé songs.

 

Spoiler

24. "I Want to Come Over" - Melissa Etheridge

 

 

Of course, if you want edge with more sweetness in your female rockers, you go to Melissa Etheridge. This song has so much passion, in its vocals and in its lyrics:

 

I want to come over 

To hell with the consequence 

You told me you loved me 

That's all I believe 

I want to come over 

It's a need I can't explain 

To see you again 

I want to come over 

 

Obviously, this song takes on even more meaning when you take into context her coming out in 1993.

 

I know your friend 

You told her about me 

She filled you with fear 

Some kind of sin 

How can you turn 

Denying the fire 

Lover I burn 

Let me in 

 

Beautiful. Even more beautiful than "Same Love", which may I remind you was my favourite song of 2013. It's a lot different coming from someone who has a firsthand experience of persecution and judgment for being gay. I can't praise this song and Melissa enough.

 

Spoiler

23. "You'll See" - Madonna

 

 

Big, stupid grandiose Madonna production? Yes please! I've always liked her songs that were more like this and less so like "Ray of Light" or "Hung Up". Madonna, like Clapton, is a lot better of an artist without all the extra fluff. Only this is pop fluff that's being taken out, not rock fluff. Of course, you have the big production sound, but that's what I find works with Madonna. She does have the voice to back it up.

 

Spoiler

22. "Get Money" - Junior M.A.F.I.A. ft. The Notorious B.I.G.

 

 

Can't have a Top 50 of the mid-90's without Biggie Smalls. But we can't count out Junior M.A.F.I.A. here, who totally kill it. They perfectly complement each other in the song, which makes sense, since they pretty much both have huge egos that come out here. Wouldn't have it any other way. Also, that sample is killer.

 

Spoiler

21. "1, 2, 3, 4 (Sumpin' New)" - Coolio

 

 

For someone whose biggest hit was "Gangsta's Paradise", Coolio sure has a fair number of goofy rap songs too. But that's okay, because I can dig goofy rap if it really is goofy, and not just stupid. This is a fun song to listen to, and the video is so ridiculously bad that I can't help but laugh.

[Wumbo]

The Bottom:

 

Spoiler

71. "Last Night" - Az Yet

 

 

Booooooorrrrrriiiiiiiing. What separates this from "Nobody Knows" is that "Nobody Knows" went the full mile in emotion, making Tony Rich sound like he was about to burst into tears. This doesn't sound nearly as authentic. We already have a Boyz II Men, so once again, if you're going to do it, do it better. Why is this so somber anyway? This is a sex song!

 

Last night

I was inside of you

Last night

While making love to you

 

A poorly written sex song, but a sex song! Okay, this just went from bad to inexcusable. I should have put this shit lower.

 

 

Spoiler

72. "Hey Lover" - LL Cool J

 

 

Oh. But then there was this. Whatever Boyz II Men brings to this track, LL Cool J takes away.

 

Tounging you down with, uh, vanilla ice cream

 

Wh... what?

 

Az Yet's song was unbelievably lazy, but at least it wasn't baffling. This is baffling. I shouldn't be confused by LL Cool J!

 

Spoiler

73. "Hay" - Crucial Conflict

 

 

I should probably like this song more than I do, but I cannot get past the stupid chorus here. First off, hay is for horses. Secondly, "Haaaaaay in the middle of the baaaaarn" might be better if it wasn't the only line in your chorus. It just grates on me, and unfortunately that annoyance translates to the rap verses. Oh yeah, smoking marijuana. You guys are so cool. Also, what's up with this beat? Is my tea ready?

 

Spoiler

74. "You're The One" - SWV

 

 

SWV didn't cut it for me at all when it came to female R&B groups of the 90's. Still better than Destiny's Child, but in an era of En Vogue and TLC, SWV falls short. I don't have a problem with songs encouraging cheating on your spouse, but this one is too cutesy and straightforward for me. I even prefer a song like "O.P.P." to this because it's more ridiculous than this. This is just boring. The guy may as well not have a spouse, or even exist. Also, did this really need to be over four minutes? There's nothing here! At least a minute could have been chopped off of this.

 

Spoiler

75. "Back for Good" - Take That

 

 

God bless Take That. They try. But they don't succeed.

 

Got a picture of you beside me 

Got your lipstick mark still on your coffee cup

 

Are they on the front lobe of your left side brains too?

 

Spoiler

76. "One of Us" - Joan Osborne

 

 

What if God was one of us? Would He write like this?

 

And yeah, yeah, God is great 

Yeah, yeah, God is good 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

 

I think you could have done with a few more "yeah"s in there.

 

I... I don't know how even the most hardcore Christian rock listener can defend this. Is this even Christian rock? It sounds pretty sacrilegious to me.

 

What if God was one of us

Just a slob like one of us

 

HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT THE LORD COULD BE A SLOB LIKE ONE OF US! SHE'S A WITCH!

 

Nobody callin' on the phone

'Cept for the Pope, maybe, in Rome

 

What's the point of this lyric? What's the point of this song? It's so muddled in its message that I can't begin to figure it out. Thank God that she was only a one-hit wonder.

 

Spoiler

77. "Wonder" - Natalie Merchant

 

 

As it turns out, four minutes of Natalie Merchant is too much for me to handle. Especially when she's hailing herself as a "wonder of God's creation". 

 

Ooooooh, I believe

Fate smiled and destiny

Laughed as she came to my cradle

 

Oh, fuck off. Fuck right off. YOU of all people do not get to have a huge ego. Especially when it's so holy and squeaky-clean like this. Glad we left this in the 90's.

 

Spoiler

78. "Nobody" - Keith Sweat ft. Athena Cage

 

 

I can't stand this guy's voice. Or his lyrics. Come on, what is this shit:

 

And who can love you like me

NOBAWWWWDAY

Who can sex you like me

NOBAWWWWDAY

 

Urrrgh.

 

Athena Cage does help to save this a little, but it's still really stupid to hear her singing "Who can sex you like me?" It's a weak song throughout.

 

Spoiler

79. "Count on Me" - Whitney Houston ft. CeCe Winans

 

 

Ordinarily, this would be higher for just being a boring ballad. But there's one part near the end that just seals the deal for me. It's the "Yes I can, I know I can, sure I can" part at the end. It just ups the song into unforgivable cheese. Whitney, I usually love you, and I'm sad you're gone. But I can't get through this.

 

Spoiler

80. "Twisted" - Keith Sweat

 

 

I do kind of feel sorry for Keith Sweat, because "Keith Sweat" is a terrible name. But, I guess he deserves a terrible name to match his terrible, nasal voice. There's not even Athena Cage to save this one.

[Doctor Sex]

Oh god 90s definitely wasn't good for LL Cool Js music (and a lot of other rappers who were big in the 80s). Mostly because he couldn't be as gangsta as rappers like Snoop Dogg or Biggie Smalls

[Wumbo]

The Top:

 

Spoiler

20. "Children" - Robert Miles

 

 

In terms of instrumental dance tracks this year, this one kicked ass. Of course, there weren't any other instrumental dance tracks this year on the list, but whatever. It still kicks ass. It's got a very dreamlike quality about it, happy yet somber.

 

Spoiler

19. "Counting Blue Cars" - Dishwalla

 

 

Dishwalla definitely deserved more credit than they got. I mean, this isn't even their best song, and it's still sitting pretty in the Top 20 of an awesome year. Of course, that's not to take anything away from this song. I couldn't really tell you much about what this song's about, other than God in some context, but it already fares better than "One of Us" simply because it sounds a lot better. As far as I can tell, it's about a kid and his dad walking, and the kid says

 

And tell me all your thoughts on God.

'Cause I am on my way to see her

 

Um... okay? Bye then, little kid!

 

It's definitely an oddball, but that's what makes it and this band so charming. I would recommend giving the album this came off of a listen if you like this song.

 

Spoiler

18. "1979" - The Smashing Pumpkins

 

 

Just such a chill, feel-good song from a band that's usually neither. Not to discount the darker, grittier stuff that The Smashing Pumpkins does in any way, but it's nice ot have balance. This song provides great balance for the band, showing a softer side. Who doesn't like this song? It's what nostalgia is made of.

 

Spoiler

17. "Give Me One Reason" - Tracy Chapman

 

 

I think I've already sung the praises of this song, but because I like to reiterate, this song is awesome. Anyone remember "Say Something"? If you don't then I don't blame you. Such a weak, emotionless slog of a song. Not so here. Tracy Chapman captures the bluesy mood of the lyrics perfectly, and it's just a kickass song. Just the right amount of sass and attitude. This song gives me plenty of reasons to listen.

 

Spoiler

16. "Touch Me, Tease Me" - Case ft. Foxy Brown

 

 

Lot of female rappers with attitude this year, but if I had to give it to one that absolutely nailed it, it was Foxy Brown. What a stroke of genius to have her lead the track, providing the attitude needed to complement Case's soulful pleading. Also, apparently this was on The Nutty Professor's soundtrack? Lol.

 

Spoiler

15. "Fastlove" - George Michael

 

 

Oh, George Michael. Never change being your funktastic self. This is George Michael right where he belongs, powerful sex-driven songs. Not shit like "Last Christmas". You gotta get up to get down, but in this song George Michael gets up and never comes down. Fantastic jam.

 

Spoiler

14. "Mouth - Merril Bainbridge

 

 

Much as I praise the females of this year, as you saw there was stupid stuff from them too. This, by all accounts and measures, should be in my bottom half. But I can't do it, because it does "stupid" right for me, in an insanely catchy way. The panpipes, the beatboxing, the violent lyrics

 

And even though you know I love you, I'd be inclined

To slap you in the mouth, when I kiss your salty lips

 

all coupled with this sweet, cutesy voice. It works ridiculously well for me, even though it shouldn't. I guess if you're going to go stupid, you gotta go all out and not half-ass it. Would explain my affinity for "My Humps".

 

Spoiler

13. "Be My Lover" - La Bouche

 

 

God damn, but I love this song. It's so insanely upbeat, and I just love Melanie Thornton's voice. That chorus is so freakin' catchy, too. If you're going to replace lyrics with las, dees, and dahs, that is how you do it. That rapper guy's pretty good too, whoever he is.

 

Spoiler

12. "Missing" - Everything But the Girl

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tpGEIf_rcTg

 

I honestly don't know how this became a hit. It just doesn't seem to have the X Factor that hit songs have. But I'm glad it did become a hit. It's well put together, like if "Careless Whisper" was done better. (Look George Michael, stick to what you're good at.) It's just such a good track. Everything comes together for a really emotionally driven piece. Usually dance beats take away authentic emotion, but I think what was done here actually helps.

 

Spoiler

11. "The World I Know" - Collective Soul

 

 

This song is so uplifiting. Collective Soul is a great example of soft rock when it's done right, to tug at the heartstrings. I've always liked Ed Roland's voice, and he really delivers, as well as the music. Call me a sap, but I stand by my choices always. And "The World I Know" is an awesome song.

[Wumbo]

The Bottom:

 

Spoiler

81. "Tonite's Tha Nite" - Kris Kross

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pGUumErjFw

 

This is even cuter than "Jump" to be honest. It's also a lot more annoying. No, I'm sorry. You guys are not the Mac Daddy and Daddy Mac anymore. Stop it. (Btw, RIP Mac Daddy, you should have stayed a kid.)

 

Spoiler

82. "Who Do U Love" - Deborah Cox

 

 

Having to skip through that annoying "WE SAW U MAKE OUT LAST NIGHT OHHH GURL" intro over and over is enough to sour my opinion of this song. But beyond that, it's not a good song. At all.

 

If you really don't want me 

If you really don't need me 

If you really don't love me 

Tell me who do you love? 

 

Of all the breakup anthems... asking your man who he loves other than you is truly weaksauce. "Waaah but he promised me" oh, get over yourself. This is more unbearable than a hair metal ballad.

 

Spoiler

83. "Not Gon' Cry" - Mary J. Blige

 

 

Hopefully Waiting to Exhale wasn't as boring as its soundtrack, because Jesus Christ. Who did this to Mary J. Blige?

 

Spoiler

84. "Lady" - D'Angelo

 

 

Right now we're in the "too boring to even critique" part of the list, which is, obviously, the hardest to write about. I mean, what is there to say about this? Should I just link to thesaurus.com's entry on "boring"? Or "snore"? Or "yawn"?

 

Spoiler

85. "You Remind Me of Something" - R. Kelly

 

 

Oh, hi R. Kelly. Thanks for taking us out of that part of the list and into the "unspeakable badness" part. Hey girls! Are you sick of being objectified in music videos? Well, how about literally getting compared to object after object in the lyrics?

 

You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it

Something like my sound, I wanna pump it

Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it

And something like my bank account

I wanna spend it, baby

 

No, this is way too stupid. "You look just like my cars"? Is that supposed to be a compliment? Is anything here supposed to be a compliment? He wants to wax you? Like, wax your legs? What the hell is this?

 

Spoiler

86. "Ironic" - Alanis Morissette

 

 

Behold, the one Alanis song I absolutely cannot stand. I'll let you in on a personal story on why I hate this song.

 

In Grade 8, I had to do a project where I would literally represent the lyrics of a song through pictures on a PowerPoint. I picked this song to do it, and it turned out to be one of my most embarrassing presentations ever after presenting it to the class. I'd rather not relive the memories past that, but let's just say nobody in my class really liked Alanis Morissette. Add to that the sheer cheesiness of my PowerPoint, and you have one traumatizing preteen experience.

 

Yep, personal experience is the only reason I detest this song. Such a shame.

 

...

 

Oh, and then there's the fact that NOTHING IN THIS SONG IS IRONIC!

 

This song doesn't even seem to have a basic understanding of what irony is. "Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife"? THAT'S JUST BAD LUCK.

 

I can forgive grammatical errors, and even misunderstandings of words sometimes. But when your focal point of the song is irony, know what irony is! The only thing ironic about this is that you'd expect a good song to be popular in the 90's. Not this shrieky, totally misguided pissbag of bad memories (for me, anyway).

 

Spoiler

87. "Closer to Free" - BoDeans

 

 

I've never seen Party of Five, but if this theme song is any indication of the show's quality, then no thanks. This starts off unpleasant with some coyote yelp, and then you hear the singer's wretched voice. You can tell they're trying to go for "I'll Be There for You", but the difference is the lead singer of The Rembrandts didn't sound like he had a plugged nose. Also, "I'll Be There For You" had more lyrics than pretty much just the same ten words repeated in different order.

 

Spoiler

88. "Kissin' You" - Total

 

 

Kissin' you is all that I've been thinking of

Kissin' you is ooo, ooo

 

What a chorus. "Kissin' you is ooo, ooo." This is so boring and stupid. Boring and stupid enough to break out of the other boring songs, to be in a league of its own boringness. Fuck this useless song.

 

I've rarely gotten pissed off at how boring a song is, but this does it. Why did this become a hit. This is nothing! This is less than nothing! This is the antimatter of interesting music! Please stay far, far away from the top half of my list, should you ever come into contact and explode perfectly good music.

 

Spoiler

89. "Insensitive" - Jann Arden

 

 

Seriously? Of all the Canadian musicians you could have made famous, you chose Jann Arden? More importantly, you chose this song? How insensitive to good Canadian artists.

 

Spoiler

90. "C'mon and Ride It (The Train)" - Quad City DJ's

 

 

There's going all out with stupidity, and then there's just being obnoxious. This is just being obnoxious. Somebody derail this train.

[Doctor Sex]

I'm guessing California Love is in the top 10