Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

[Clappy]

Aww I actually love Ironic. It's the only Alanis Morrisette song I actually like because everything else is mediocre.

[Sweat]

That sucks, because I also really like the song Ironic. It's your opinion, tho.

[Burgerpants]

I'm guessing Macarena is #100

[Wumbo]

Wow, didn't expect love for "Ironic". But yeah, to each their own and all that. Part of my opinion is based on personal experience, anyway.

 

Anyway, as I did with my 2013 list and will do with all my other lists henceforth, I shall start with my...

 

Bottom 10 Songs of 1996

 

As much as I've praised this year, I loathe these songs. They're worse than the worst songs of 2013.

 

Spoiler

91. "Because You Loved Me" - Celine Dion

 

 

Bless Celine Dion's soul. It's not easy to be a perpetual punchline of music. But when you make music this sappy and unlistenable... you're really asking for it.

 

You were my strength when I was weak

You were my voice when I couldn't sing speak

You were my eyes when I couldn't see

 

Ugh. This is one half of the chorus. You hear this over and over, is what I'm saying.

 

I definitely, definitely understand why Celine Dion tends to be the butt of jokes. She's so over-the-top with her badness, and instead of making it better, it just makes it less tolerable. And I have to side with the majority here when I say that Celine Dion sucks. Désolé, ma belle.

 

Spoiler

92. "Macarena (Bayside Boys Mix)" - Los Del Rio

 

 

Compared to "Harlem Shake", this is a song, yes. But just barely. It carries a tune, barely. It has lyrics, barely. Everything about this is bare minimum, and I don't understand why people made tihs the #1 hit of 1996. Oh, yeah: it's because people are idiots.

 

The one saving grace of this is the video, where you see the two goofballs responsible for this doing the stupidest dance ever. Yes, sashay your way through this terrible song. Makes me laugh. Song's terrible.

 

Spoiler

93. "I Love You Always Forever" - Donna Lewis

 

 

In a year where we had such good, edgy, interesting songs becoming popular, I don't know why we tolerated shit like this. This is a good example of when I hate stupid in a song: when it's half-assed, lazy stupidity. "I Love It"? That was a stupid as hell song, but I loved it because it was aware of how stupid it was, and went full force with stupidity. This? This seems like it's trying to be serious and failing. 

 

Say you'll love, love me forever

Never stop, never whatever

Near and far and always and everywhere and everything

 

THIS GETS REPEATED FOUR TIMES IN A ROW.

 

If you're going to be stupid, then be stupid! Hell, I can even say better things about "Just Lose It" than this tripe, because while "Just Lose It" is at least interestingly awful, this isn't anything. I can't stand it. Music should not be like this. Fuck yourself, Donna Lewis. I hate you always forever.

 

Spoiler

94. "Exhale (Shoop Shoop)" - Whitney Houston

 

 

This was not a good year for Whitney Houston. At all. Fuck. That. Stupid. Soundtrack. Right down to the titular song. Look, maybe this isn't too different from "I Will Always Love You"... no, actually, it's very different from "I Will Always Love You"!

 

"I Will Always Love You" was soulful, and heartfelt, and meant something. This is the chorus of "Exhale (Shoop Shoop)":

 

Shoop, Shoop, Shoop 

Shoo Be Doop Shoop Shoop (yeah) 

Shoo Be Doop Shoop Shoop 

(All you got to say is shoo be doop) 

Shoo Be Doop Shoop Shoop 

Shoo Be Doop Shoop Shoop (Shoo be doop) 

Shoo Be Doop Shoop Shoop 

Shoo Be Doop Shoop Shoop 

Shoo Be Doo 

 

Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. They actually did it. They made "shoop, shoop, shooby doop" the chorus. This song officially means nothing. Why did this happen? Why did this become a thing? Why, why, WHY?

 

Oh no, Whitney. You do not get to play with "shoop, shoop, shooby doop" with your voice like it's something meaningful. Fuck this soundtrack, and fuck this movie for having this soundtrack.

 

Spoiler

95. "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" - Celine Dion

 

 

Grfghghrfg... CELINE!!!

 

I can't stand a second of this. It's the most overdone, yet underwhelming, shit ever. Vintage Celine Dion here, folks. This gives me an aneurysm. And it gets worse than this for five songs.

 

If I kiss you like this

And if you whisper like that

 

And if I smash my laptop like this, and toss it out the window like that, and scream bloody murder like this...

 

Spoiler

96. "The Earth, the Sun, the Rain" - Color Me Badd

 

 

Ohh, I'm getting tired of 1996. Maybe I should have done the top 10 first this time. No, no. Pull it together. It's only... COLOR ME BADD I HATE YOU SO MUCH

 

I will love you for the earth at my feet

I will love you for the sun in the sky

I will love you for the falling rain,

I will love you for the heart that could break,

 

*uncontrollable sobbing*

 

Of all the Boyz II Men wannabes this year, Color Me Badd were by a country mile the worst. They lack charisma, talent, enthusiasm. They just suck. They suck at sucking. They suck at sucking at sucking. They... *deep breath*. Pull. It. Together.

 

Spoiler

97. "Down Low (Nobody Has to Know)" - R. Kelly

 

 

I don't have the slightest idea what R. Kelly was thinking here. This is such a misguided song. It plays like a soulful R&B love song, but it's about cheating.

 

We can keep it on the down low

Nobody has to know

 

This doesn't work. It sounds creepy. I'm physically repelled by this song. It makes me want to retch.

 

Secret lovers is what you wanna be

While making love to him girl you're silently calling on me

What is a man to do in a situation like this?

 

You already answered that in the first chorus!

 

Ugh. R. Kelly. It wasn't a good year for you either. I much prefer you in "Trapped in the Closet", tbh.

 

Spoiler

98. "Key West Intermezzo (I Saw You First)" - John Mellencamp

 

 

Oh, I'm not going to make any friends with this one at all. Look, I like John Mellencamp. He's a good guy, and a good musician. But what the hell did 1996 do to him? This sounds like Natalie Merchant could have recorded it.

 

Oh crap, that's a harmonica in the second verse's background, isn't it? There goes my theory.

 

No, okay, I've got a new theory: An interestingly played harmonica is the duct tape of music. This is just a buzz. This could have been done with a broken radiator.

 

But that's not the only thing about this song. It sounds so... not John Mellencamp. The lyrics suck, first of all, which is not Mellencamp's style:

 

I saw you first

Im the first one tonight

I saw you first

Don't that give me the right

 

Are you five years old? You don't have "the right" to a girl just because you saw her first. What is that? That's awful.

 

"I saw you first." I really hate that chorus. This is garbage, no matter who performs it. John Mellencamp was best left in the 80's.

 

Spoiler

99. "As I Lay Me Down" - Sophie B. Hawkins

 

 

Geeeeaaaaaaauuuuuuugh.

 

I really don't get it. I don't. You had "California Love" get popular (oh, you all knew it wasn't going to be at the bottom), and then this becomes popular in the same year?

 

This is the second most useless of useless songs in this Bottom 10. Sophie's voice is weak, the music is typical white girl dancing in a petunia field tripe, and the lyrics... no, i'm done analyzing the lyrics. Fuck. This.

 

Spoiler

So, how does it get worse than that? How, you ask? What if I told you that one of the most wretched, useless songs on this list had an original version that was even more wretched and useless?

 

Brace. Yourselves.

 

100. "Macarena" - Los Del Rio

 

 

I don't speak Spanish. I never learned any beyond Dora the Explorer. But this song sure as hell is not going to get me to start, because I'm sure it's stupid. There is no way that this shit makes sense in English.

 

Give happiness to your body Macarena

'cause your body is for giving happiness and nice things to

Give happiness to your body Macarena

Heeey,... Macarena! Aaay!

 

I called it.

 

Okay, I said that compared to "Harlem Shake", "Macarena" is a song. Compared to the original version of "Macarena", "Harlem Shake" is now a song. Go straight to hell and don't look back. Not once. This is unpleasant, it's mind-numbing, and it's got some godawful saxophone "solo" to boot. At least you can dance to the Bayside Boys Mix. You can't do anything with this! I don't think I'll be breaking any hearts when I say, "This sucks." This is the worst. This is the garbage that garbage throws out. This is the most godawful, most unlistenable track of 1996. I hate you, 1996. Go die.

 

(Okay I didn't mean it stay vigilant for my Top 10 because it makes it all worth it trust me)

[Wumbo]

Okay, now let's remind ourselves why this year was awesome.

 

Top 10 Songs of 1996

 

Spoiler

10. "No Diggity" - Blackstreet ft. Dr. Dre

 

 

You know what this song is? Cool.

 

 

Yeah, Squirtle Squad cool. I went there.

 

Everything about this song is so sure of itself, and collected. You want to participate in this song just to feel cool. The only bad thing is that listening to this makes you feel uncool. That piano hook, my God.

 

HEY YO HEY YO HEY YO HEY YOOOOOO

 

(also Queen Pen dethrones Foxy Brown)

 

Spoiler

9. "Only You" - 112 ft. The Notorious B.I.G. and Mase

 

 

Honestly, I think this and "No Diggity" are pretty much tied. They both have awesome instrumentation (this bassline), a killer rap lead-in, and a Boyz II Men-like band that delivers better than Boyz II Men did this year. This, like "No Diggity", is cool, calm, and collected. It works. It works almost too well for the pop charts. And already the sour taste of 1996's worst is washed out.

 

Spoiler

8. "Woo Hah!! (Got You All in Check)" - Busta Rhymes

 

 

No, I will not accept any criticism for Sir Busta Rhymes. And I will not explain why this song and Busta Rhymes are fantastic, because if you don't get it, then you do not get it. This is what rap music should be, all day, every day. What an amazing track. I'm so glad this got popular in 1996.

 

How dare you ever try to step on my suede shoes

Top Gun shut down your Firm like Tom Cruise

Please let me get down and blow a fuse

Actin' fool breakin' shit down to molecules

Yo let me hit you with my ill street blues

Busta Rhymes always headlines the street news

Woo-Hah!!! Yo baby girl don't be confused

Sail my seven seas and enjoy my boat cruise

 

Celine who? Macarena wha?

 

Spoiler

7. "If Your Girl Only Knew" - Aaliyah

 

 

There were a lot of infidelity-themed songs this year. But none with as much attitude and personality as Aaliyah. God damn, she is having none of this.

 

She's crazy to put up with you

Oh boy I won't be no fool

Let you like what you see

It ain't easy to get with me

But it's dumb to put up with you

I won't be no fool

Let you like what you see

It ain't easy to get with me

 

Fucking right. And can we talk about the production here? It's perfect. I will hear no complaints when it comes to Timbaland. He's an R&B genius.

 

Also, she was like 17 at the time. Like, compare this to Hannah Montana. Teen stars have gone far downhill. At least we can still remember that Aaliyah was once a glimmering light of hope for them. Taken way too soon, one of the saddest deaths in the music industry.

 

Spoiler

6. "Just a Girl" - No Doubt

 

 

In a year full of strong, independent women artists, Gwen Stefani stands at the very top with this blistering feminist anthem about the hardships that girls face. It's seriously a brilliant song.

 

'Cause I'm just a girl, little 'ol me 

Don't let me out of your sight 

I'm just a girl, all pretty and petite 

So don't let me have any rights 

 

This sounds weird coming from a guy, but sing it, sister! When Stefani sings about how she's had it up to here, you have no choice but to believe it.

 

This song pretty much shows how No Doubt is a fantastic band. They pushed boundaries, and the payoff was worth it. They can do all sorts of different styles and still sound amazing. Rock on, No Doubt. Rock on forever.

 

Spoiler

5. "Tha Crossroads" - Bone Thugs-n-Harmony

 

 

I'm sorry, I'm just going to bask in this intro's awesomeness for a second.

 

God damn it. One of the best intros in music history. I can barely even say how awesome this song is.

 

Everyday, everyday, everyday, everyday

and we pray, and we pray, and we pray, and we pray

 

This is beautiful. And each member kills it with their rap flow. This is what rap music should be like. Well, either this or Busta Rhymes. Or the next few to follow...

 

And I'm gonna miss everybody

And I'm gonna miss everybody when I'm gone

 

And I miss music like this. An honest, sorrowful, tearjerking look at death. See you guys in music heaven when you go.

 

Spoiler

Uh, I know you just enjoyed six brilliant songs that are Top Ten worthy, but unfortunately, I forgot to put in a 4th best song. So we'll just skip to Number 3.

 

...

 

...

 

Okay, let's get this one over with.

 

4. "Name" - Goo Goo Dolls

 

 

I'm sorry, all right? I try to be this guy who likes edgy, interesting, innovative music, but... I'm also a huge sap.

 

Oh well. I don't care, I love the Goo Goo Dolls. Unlike many pop fabrications, they never fail to sound sincere. I believe he won't tell no one this person's name.

 

It's the type of song that I think almost everyone needs. It makes me feel like there's someone out there who understands me, and the various problems I'm going through, and has experienced problems of their own that we can talk about. It's a sad song, but it's also a feel-good song. And I take back that intro. I'm not ashamed to put this at number four. My opinion, my list. Disagree with me if you will. I dare ya!

 

Spoiler

3. "Gangsta's Paradise" - Coolio ft. L.V.

 

 

I'd be a straight up fool to ignore this. Obviously this was bigger in 1995 (like, number one song of 1995), but it made the 1996 list too, so it counts. You'd be a fool (I'll stop now) to not appreciate this song. It has some of the harshest edge that popular rap had this decade, and was well-deserving of a number one spot (unlike certain songs). L.V.'s singing is the icing on the already delicious cake. I almost feel like I was in this "gangsta's paradise" listening to this song. Coolio may be partly known for goofy songs, but this is his most well-known, and for good reason.

 

Spoiler

2. "How Do U Want It"/"California Love" - 2Pac ft. K-Ci & JoJo/ft. Dr. Dre

 

 

2Pac, man. Do I really need to say more? Not one, but two excellent songs by him! And these aren't even his best songs, either. These are just excellent jams, especially "California Love". I don't think even the Chili Peppers had a song that good representing California. All the guest artists featured on both songs do their job, but the real star on both is obviously 2Pac, as it should be. Such an amazing artist. Can't believe he's gone, even after so long. I missed out. Shoulda been born a decade earlier.

 

Spoiler

Okay, so when making this list, I thought that 2Pac was for sure going to be my number one choice. Even if there was another impressive double song on the list, it would have to be pretty damn impressive.

 

I love Gin Blossoms.

 

1. "Follow You Down"/"Til I Hear it From You" - Gin Blossoms

 

 

You know, this kind of music is just about as close to perfect pop rock as you can get. It's so clean, polished, and put together, yet feels so loose and spontaneous at the same time. Jangle pop, they call it. And I eat it up like candy. I say "this is what rap should be" or "this is what rock should be", well you know what? This is what pop music should be. It's not hard to see why these songs became so popular, yet you can't get mad about it. I really don't understand how anyone would dislike this band. They're sensational. Love you, 1996. Love you for putting Gin Blossoms on the charts for not the first, but for just a little bit of time.

[Clappy]

Glad to see both Macarenas in your bottom 10. However the Bayside Boys Mix really doesn't count as a song either despite the production.

[SG19]

Celine Dion was a vocal powerhouse like Mariah Carey and I respect that. Still, in the end, Carey reigns as the superior artist. I also have a soft spot for Macarena because it has nostalgic value (I was introduced to it back in grade school) and I like dancing as well as songs I can dance to.

[Wumbo]

I will give Celine Dion her voice, because she can sing. What turns me off about her is her musical persona. She's so over-the-top, but does not have the lyrics to back it up.

[Wumbo]

All right ladies and gents, it's that time again. Come April 26th, I'll be starting yet another ranking of yet another year-end chart. This time, I'm going back to...

 

2002

 

Dat Nickelback tho. Stay tuned!

[Steel Sponge]

I'm just gonna place my bets that "The Middle" might be in your top 10.

[Burgerpants]

Creed had a song this year.

O GEE I WONDER IF IT WILL BE IN THE BOTTOM HALF

[Wumbo]

Creed had a song this year.

O GEE I WONDER IF IT WILL BE IN THE BOTTOM HALF

Correction: Creed had two songs this year. As for their placements... well, just wait and see. 

[Clappy]

Never made it as a wise man

[Wumbo]

Never made it as a wise man

Couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'.

 

2002 was an underwhelming year. to say the most. A lot of the songs in the middle of the charts are just that: middle-of-the-road, with maybe a few things to praise or dislike. Honestly, a lot of the bottom is just boring more than anything. There's still some quality songs in the top, so the year wasn't a total bust. But when Nickelback heads your list, you can't expect it to be sunshine and roses the whole way through. So let's parse our way through the year that gave us... let's parse our way through it.

 

(Side note: This will also by far be my most embarrassing year-end list. If you thought "I Love It" in the Top 20 and "Name" in the top 5 was bad... you ain't seen nothin' yet.

 

Wumbo's Ranking of 2002's Year-End Hot 100 Chart

 

The Top:

 

Spoiler

50. "If I Could Go" - Angie Martinez ft. Lil' Mo and Sacario

 

 

As far as street cred goes for this song, it's very, VERY minimal.

 

Hold you the right way while watchin the night fade

Make you feel like you right back in the ninth grade

 

Wait, why would you want to feel like you're in the ninth grade? Ninth grade is terrible.

 

This song as a whole is just kind of dumb. I don't really care about either of your vacation plans, Martinez or Sacario. But Lil' Mo does present a decent chorus, so the song's not too bad. Just not that great. Yes, this is an indicator that every song in the bottom half deserves to be there.

 

Spoiler

49. "Butterflies" - Michael Jackson

 

 

Ohhh, Mike. The 2000s were not good to you, man. Jackson still brings enough of his iconic style to this song to bump it up to the top half, but still, it's a pretty weaksauce song, and definitely one of Michael Jackson's worst. I just don't think I should hear Michael Jackson and think "easy listening".

 

Spoiler

48. "Differences" - Ginuwine

 

 

This year brought an influx of mediocre R&B, and this is one of the most mediocre on this list. I do like Ginuwine's voice, but he doesn't really pick it up until near the end, and while that does help to salvage the boring song, we had Usher this year. We didn't really need Ginuwine.

 

Christ, is that Autotune at the end? I should have put this lower. Not that I have anything against Autotune as a whole, but it does not belong here.

 

Spoiler

47. "Rollout (My Business)" - Ludacris

 

 

I never really got Ludacris. I know that I'm not taking this song seriously though, and I can kind of enjoy it in that sense. It's not even the lyrics so much as the way he delivers them.

 

Now tell me who's your HOUSEkeeper and what you keep in your HOUSE?

 

Oh, Ludi. Don't change.

 

Spoiler

46. "Rainy Dayz" - Mary J. Blige ft. Ja Rule

 

 

I'm not sure why I didn't put this higher. It's got an interesting beat to it, and Mary J. Blige delivers. Oh, that's right. The Omnipresence of 2002, Ja fuckin' Rule, is on this song. Ja Rule's prevalence on the charts this year baffles me. He's got little to no singing talent, and he's not a very good rapper either. This isn't his worst performance, but it's still way overshadowed by Blige, as it should be. At least I can like Mary J. Blige again.

 

lot of songs this year.

Spoiler

This is actually the highest-ranking song on my list crediting Ja Rule. And he's got a

 

Spoiler

45. "Foolish" - Ashanti

 

 

Sometime during this list I'll go back and see who had more prevalence on the charts, King Ja Rule or Queen Ashanti. Ashanti at least has some kind of talent, but she's still pretty boring, and has a hard time carrying a song by herself as a result. I would say she's better as a guest vocalist, but she always picks bad songs to do so. While this song is devoid of personality, at least it's a good-sounding lack of personality.

 

But, seriously, How did this reach number two?!

 

Spoiler

44. "We Thuggin'" - Fat Joe ft. R. Kelly

 

 

There was very little thugging this year, but I guess this was the closest we got. Honestly, this is just more douchebaggy than thug-like, but it was nice to hear a song that almost sounds like gangsta rap after pushing through most of the rap in 2002. Also, on matter what you think of R. Kelly, he's got a nice set of pipes on him.

 

"WHAT THE FUCK WHAT" is some of the stupidest delivery I've heard in this list, however. Come on, Fat Joe.

 

Spoiler

43. "Caramel" - City High

 

 

Meh. I can barely even think of anything to say about this, except "I am an independent woman who don't need no man" and a love song don't mesh together too well. It's got a nice beat, and hearing Eve is always nice, but... it's just okay overall.

 

Spoiler

42. "Happy" - Ashanti

 

 

Kudos to Ashanti for reducing Ja Rule to the intro here (which is actually his best performance), and not even crediting him. Ashanti still struggles to find a personality here, and ends up getting overshadowed by panpipes. Not that I'm complaining. They're nice-sounding panpipes. Cute song, but not much else.

 

Spoiler

41. "Work It" - Missy Elliott

 

 

Finally, some personality gets injected into this list! I can't say I'm the biggest Missy Elliott fan, but dear god, this is still miles ahead of everything else I've already posted just for having a pulse. Honestly, I would not have complained if Missy Elliott had a couple more hits instead of, say, Ashanti.

[Wumbo]

The Bottom:

 

Spoiler

51. "Halfcrazy" - Musiq Soulchild

 

 

I kind of feel bad for beating up on this song, because it's not that bad. Again, it suffers from competing with Usher, and I'm not really digging the beat. It's not a terrible song, but it certainly is disposable, something that a song called "Halfcrazy" shouldn't be.

 

Spoiler

52. "Hot in Herre" - Nelly

 

 

I never really thought Nelly was all that great of a performer, and the fact that we gave this yelping poodle one of the anthems of 2002 just speaks to the year more than anything. It is kind of catchy, but really? This is what people were dancing to? It's getting cold in herre.

 

Checkin your reflection and tellin your best friend, 

like "girl I think my butt gettin big"

 

This. People were dancing to this. Was 2002 just full of hipsters appreciating things ironically, or...?

 

Spoiler

53. "Blurry" - Puddle of Mudd

 

 

Although, it could have always been worse. People could have been dancing to Puddle of Mudd.

 

There was a lot of post-grunge sludge this year, and while Puddle of Mudd isn't the worst example of it all, they are prominent enough to dislike, and the sad thing is, "Blurry" might have been able to work if it was sung by someone else other than Wes fucking Scantlin. Hearing him squeeze out the words like he's coughing up blood just gets unbearable after a while, and throws whatever potential the song might have had right out the window.

 

Spoiler

54. "I Do!!" - Toya

 

 

The song that squeaked into the charts at #100 this year gets downgraded from 46 to 54. First off, who the hell is Toya? It's not even a matter of "does anyone remember the song". Does anyone remember the artist? Is she related to some other early 2000s relic like J-Kwon? Help me out here!

 

Going off what I know about Toya, which is absolutely nothing, this song doesn't do anything for me. It somehow has less personality than Ashanti, despite having more of an edge. Also, what the hell is that part at the end where the beat gets magnified to 10 times its volume? Blah.

 

Spoiler

55. "Like I Love You" - Justin Timberlake

 

 

Timberlake's solo career started off a little rocky. He's just too young at this point to be releasing anything that's not with his boy band. (Not that anything 'N Sync did was any good this year, but that's another story.) I do like the guitar here, but while Justin does have talent, I'm just having trouble taking this song from a 21-year-old, especially one who looks as virginal as Timberlake does here.

 

Spoiler

56. "Escape" - Enrique Iglesias

 

 

Okay, Enrique. I'm sure you had the best of intentions here, and that's why you're not lower. But good intentions can only get you so far.

 

You can run, you can hide

But you can't escape my love

 

You can kinda tell where his "Tonight I'm Fucking You" persona started to show. Right here. I'm sure this isn't what Enrique meant, but this girl does not sound like she wants a relationship with him. But... she can't escape. She can't escape his love. It doesn't help that part of the time, Enrique's squeals sound like the woman screaming for help.

 

Maybe this is what he meant. Oh, God.

 

Even if you don't take the "rapey" angle to this song, it's still pretty damn weak. There's not that much variety in the lyrics or the music. Enrique seems to be trying to get by on his personality and Latino flair, but it's not enough to cover up bad songwriting.

 

Spoiler

57. "Livin' it Up" - Ja Rule ft. Case

 

 

This song at least plays to Ja Rule's "strength", which is rapping about having a good time. The problem is, it's never a good time with Ja Rule.

 

Baby, you're such a typical, everyday, one night thing

It's a physical, I'ma fuck, you tonight thing

 

Okay, two songs in a row that "Tonight (I'm Fucking You)" could have drawn inspiration from? Really?

 

I said that Ashanti has trouble carrying a song, but Ja Rule is even less capable. Again, these two artists were all over the charts! Case should have interjected in this song more often. At least he has a singing voice that doesn't sound like a frog in a blender.

 

Spoiler

58. "In The End" - Linkin Park

 

 

I'm over my Linkin Park phase, and this is definitely one of their worst, whiniest songs. What is this even about? It's so ridiculously vague.

 

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

 

What did you try hard at? What did you get so far in?

 

I had to fall

To lose it all

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

 

What did you lose? What doesn't even matter?!

 

I've put my trust in you

Pushed as far as I can go

 

Who did you put your trust in?! What did you... screw this. Next.

 

Spoiler

Before I continue with #59, I'd just like to say that the September 11 attacks are still, to this day, a terrible tragedy remembered by the American people. It shouldn't have happened, and we're worse off because it did. But Dear God, if anyone does not have the skill to write a song about these events, it's Alan freakin' Jackson.

 

59. "Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning)" - Alan Jackson

 

 

This is bad. This is really bad.

 

Not that Jackson doesn't try, but for every right move he makes

 

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day?

Were you teaching a class full of innocent children

Or driving down some cold interstate?

 

He totally fails at least twofold.

 

I'm just a singer of simple songs

I'm not a real political man

I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell

You the difference in Iraq and Iran

 

Alan... this is not a topic where you can whimsically confuse Iraq and Iran. You're obviously not going for a political angle. You don't need to bring it up.

 

Did you turn off that violent old movie you're watchin'

And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?

 

Thank you, Alan Jackson. Thank you for reminding us of all the good things in life in the wake of 9/11. Like "I Love Lucy" reruns.

 

God, I should have put this much lower. Much, much lower. This is terrible. Consider this the unofficial #11 for my Bottom 10.

 

But I know Jesus and I talk to God

And I remember this from when I was young

Faith, hope and love are some good things He gave us

And the greatest is love

 

Well, you may not have a political agenda, Alan. But at least you have a religious one. Get fucked. What a terrible song, and what a terrible placement on my list.

 

Spoiler

60. "A New Day Has Come" - Celine Dion

 

 

This is actually probably one of Celine Dion's best songs. Certainly one of the best productions on one of her songs. But it's still tedious to get through, though after 1996 Celine Dion, I'll accept almost anything from her at this point.

[CyanideFishbone]

God i hate Linkin Park. Always do, always will.

[Wumbo]

I wouldn't say I hate Linkin Park. But a lot of their stuff sounds exactly the same, and it starts to become numb after a while. "Numb", by the way, is one of their best songs.

 

Okay, it starts to get humiliating in this entry.

 

The Top:

 

Spoiler

40. "Days Go By" - Dirty Vegas

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAt7sawS8_4

 

This is a ridiculously catchy dance song. But it's also a pretty dark one. It's about this guy who is left again and again by his lover, but still can't stop thinking about her. It doesn't really sound desperate enough to go any higher than this, but it's still a good dance song.

 

Spoiler

39. "No More Drama" - Mary J. Blige

 

 

Now this, this sounds desperate. Normally I'd be skeptical to using a sample from a soap opera theme song of all things. But it oddly works her, as Mary J. Blige nods to the song's title

 

Or maybe I like the stress

Cause I was young and restless

 

And also centers the song around the idea of "no more drama", making the soap opera theme deliciously ironic. Good to have ya back, Blige.

 

Spoiler

38. "I Love You" - Faith Evans

 

 

Couple Faith Evans' beautiful voice with a funky beat such as this, and you've got yourself a damn good song. It's not exactly deep, like to hear what the lyrical content is, you just have to know the title. But it's still incredibly sweet.

 

Spoiler

37. "Underneath Your Clothes" - Shakira

 

 

I didn't really know how to take a stripped-down ballad from Shakira, but she pulls it off, even with her established over-the-top personality. It's another love song, but delves a little deeper than Faith Evans' take. Like, more than clothes-deep. No, but it's a really nice song, and maybe Shakira could have done with a few more songs like these.

 

Spoiler

36. "Wherever You Will Go" - The Calling

 

 

All right, all right. When rock music hands you post-grunge and not much else, you have to distinguish the bad from the... good. And while I've always been humoured by how little Alex Band's face matches his voice, he's... got an... okay voice. And at least this is a love song, and not some angsty hate-the-world bullshit (which can work, but a lot of bands don't make it work). So, "Wherever You Will Go". Decent song in my books.

 

Spoiler

35. "Rock the Boat" - Aaliyah

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY7bCktS9Mo

 

Aaliyah had a couple of postmortem hits this year, and yes, both of them chart higher on this list than anything from her apparent replacement, Ashanti. This is one of the darkest Aaliyah videos for me, because it was filmed just before she got on the plane. But Aaliyah leaves with us a sexy slow jam fro her legacy, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Spoiler

34. "Hero" - Enrique Iglesias

 

 

It's hard to listen to any Enrique song without him sounding like a massive creeper (that's how a reputation works, bud), but Enrique makes it easier than most here. Listen to this song and you can almost forget Enrique's 2011 existed.

 

Spoiler

33. "A Moment Like This" - Kelly Clarkson

 

 

Love Kelly Clarkson's voice, so even though her rock edge sounds a little out of place at some points here, it also kind of makes the song better. You can see Young Kelly Clarkson trying to form a personality outside of American Idol already. It's like a flower blossoming. A "Since U Been Gone" flower.

 

Spoiler

32. "A Woman's Worth" - Alicia Keys

 

 

Okay, 12-year-old kid hitting on Alicia Keys what the hell.

 

That aside, I think I like Alicia Keys the most when she plays it soft and R&B here. It suits her voice a lot better. What I'm trying to say is, Alicia Keys' worth is doing more songs like this, less like this.

 

Spoiler

...

 

I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY

 

31. "Hero" - Chad Kroeger ft. Josey Scott

 

 

All right, if you'd like to leave this thread and never trust another of my music opinions EVER again, I would completely understand. But for those of you still with me, hear me out. Yes, Chad Kroeger has a terrible butt voice. Yes, Josey Scott isn't much better. But other than the singing, I think the song works. The backing music and the lyrics come together to make a decent-sounding and well-written Spider-Man theme. And I can forgive Chad Croaker's Buttvoice Syndrome for a song like this.

[Burgerpants]

without you

[Wumbo]

The Bottom:

 

Spoiler

61. "The Good Stuff" - Kenny Chesney

 

 

I try with all my heart to like country. But usually, it just doesn't do it for me. It really isn't my style. I mean, there's nothing wrong with this song, especially from the guy who made this. But I feel hollow when I hear it.

 

Spoiler

62. "Lights, Camera, Action!" - Mr. Cheeks

 

 

A lot of rap this year was about the club, no doubt paving the way for 50 Cent to have his moment. Ugh. This song just isn't very interesting, which as the problem with a lot of club rap songs. Also:

 

Hey, I'm talkin' lights, camera, action

Had me singin' "I'm sorry Ms. Jackson"

 

No. No. NO. You do not get to reference rap artists ten times better than you will ever be. Especially when you don't know what the hell you're doing. This lyric doesn't make sense in the context of the song at all.

 

Spoiler

63. "Uh Huh" - B2K

 

 

Are these guys supposed to be a boy band? I thought boy bands were supposed to be likable and cute, not creepy douchebags. Also, when the one 15-year-old guy starts rapping, I'm done. It's like these guys are trying to be a "tough" boy band, and instead of the two working together, neither works at all. Uh-uh.

 

Spoiler

64. "Full Moon" - Brandy

 

 

I really just hate Brandy's music. She doesn't really have the conviction or personality to pull off any song. Is this really the best 1994 could do when searching for up-and-coming talent? I hope y'all are satisfied.

 

Spoiler

65. "Long Time Gone" - Dixie Chicks

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7b42MEYzBE

 

Perhaps the Dixie Chicks only became interesting when they started dissin' George Bush. It certainly wasn't here.

 

Spoiler

66. "Hands Clean" - Alanis Morissette

 

 

A problem Alanis has always had is clumsy songwriting that doesn't match up with the music at all. And nowhere is that more prevalent than here.

 

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me

You're a kind of my protégé and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me

I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian

I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

 

It's just the simple act of editing, Alanis.

 

So, I guess "Ironic" isn't the only Alanis song I dislike. Sorry for misleading you.

 

Ooh this could get messy

 

It does, Alanis. It does.

 

Spoiler

67. "Sk8er Boi" - Avril Lavigne

 

 

Just the title alone should piss you off about this song. If it doesn't, then you have a higher tolerance for "punk girl" Avril Lavigne than I do. Honestly, I think Avril Lavigne was best in her "My Happy Ending" era, because it was the only persona I believed from her. This? Trying way too hard. But at least this landed her in the mainstream. I think I'll have to tackle this "Hello Kitty" thing if it ever evolves from anything other than a punchline, but for now, let's be grateful that Avril wasn't at her worst here.

 

Spoiler

68. "Whenever, Wherever" - Shakira

 

 

What can I say? I liked "Underneath Your Clothes" a lot better than this. This just feels... horribly manufactured. Of course it would get more popular.

 

Lucky that my breasts are small and humble

So you don't confuse them with mountains

 

...

 

Moving on...

 

Spoiler

69. "My List" - Toby Keith

 

 

Again, this is a song I should probably like more than I do. But it just doesn't work for me, because it's country, and very few country songs work for me. But watching this video... did Nickelback seriously rip this video off? Come on, Chad. I know Theory of a Deadman rips you off all the time, but that's no excuse.

 

Spoiler

70. "Living and Living Well" - George Strait

 

 

Yay for living and living well. See, living is by yourself and living well is with someone else! I guess. Whatever. Only one more country song to go.

[Clappy]

In defense of Linkin Park's In The End, I've always felt the song was about broken trust in friendships and relationships. It wasn't til a few months ago when I looked up info about the song online out of boredom that they wrote it about how one copes with failure in their lives. Not just what I assumed it to be about relationships.

Sure I can go back now and laugh at how stupid nu-metal was in the early 2000s, but I think In The End was much better than a lot of the other shit we got out of that genre like Breaking Benjamin, Papa Roach, Puddle of Mudd, Korn, Limp Bizkit...and dear god....Staind.

Oh and apology not accepted for Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott's unmotivating rock ballad about heroes.