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Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)


Wumbo

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Well, at least Michael Jackson (haters gonna hate), and Madonna made the list this year. So, when you have the time, thoughts on the following: "Ordinary World" (it should be top THREE, minimum!); "I Will Always Love You; If; Two Princes; I'd Do Anything For Love, But I Won't Do That" (how does THAT get higher than "Ordinary World"?!); "Cryin'; Livin' On the Edge; I Don't Wanna Fight; The River of Dreams; I Have Nothing; Rain; Will You Be There; 7;" and "Bad Boys". Enough said!

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I actually do admit that "Ordinary World" is a great song as well but I also see why others don't. "Come Undone" is the superior Duran song of that year though.

 

Also, "I'd Do Anything for Love" is a legit great song and would probably make my Top 10, if not my #1 song.

 

4EverGreen listed some songs above that I'd like your opinions on but the only one that really matters to me is "Three Little Pigs". So thoughts on "Three Little Pigs".

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If there's any past year I've covered that I could definitely change my bottom 10 for, it's 1993 and I would probably have it mostly comprised of cover songs. Outside of a few hidden gems, 1993 was definitely not a great year for crossover cover songs.

Thoughts on these, please:

All That She Wants (This was your #100 for 1994 while this was your #69 for 1993. I'm curious about this)

What About Your Friends

If I Had No Loot

Come Undone

What's Up?

Dre Day

Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)

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All right, so before we get to the requests proper, I want to address this:

19 hours ago, 4EverGreen said:

Michael Jackson (haters gonna hate)

There are ways to address Michael Jackson's controversial legacy, to say the least, with nuance and respect. I don't feel that this cuts it. Whether you think he's innocent or not, these are complicated issues that shouldn't be brushed off by referring to people speaking out against him as "haters". Anyway...

"Ordinary World": I am baffled by the love this song seems to get. It's really nothing special, guys. I'm not exactly a fan of Simon Le Bon's voice in general and it's not like the song really has much more to offer.

"I Will Always Love You": Still a classic. Overplay might have killed my love for this one off a little, but it's great all the same.

"If": Definitely one of Janet's more dynamic songs.

"I Would Do Anything for Love": It's Meat Loaf, being the meat loafiest he can be. What more can you ask for? (also it got higher than Ordinary World because it's actually interesting.)

"Cryin'" & "Livin'": Aerosmith didn't exactly have their best years in the 90s, but their songs were still solid enough.

"I Don't Wanna Fight": Respect to Tina Turner and her powerful voice. There were just other songs I preferred.

"The River of Dreams": Certainly a... different Billy Joel song. Not to say that I don't like it, it's just... strange.

"I Have Nothing": Another Whitney ballad. It's about what you expect.

"Rain": It's... okay? Madonna has certainly done better, even this year.

"Will You Be There": Luckily, Michael Jackson didn't have to feature in my best list this year as his song for Free Willy wasn't very good. Go figure.

"7": A lot of 80s artists had difficulty staying relevant in 19893, and sadly Prince was one of them. This is still decent enough, but it's surely not A-list Prince material.

"Bad Boys": Really no better choice for a reggae-inflicted theme song for Cops.

"Three Little Pigs": Look, you don't need me to tell you that this song is concentrated AWESOME. #11 is still pretty damn good, all things considered.

"All That She Wants": Combine the fact that 1994 really didn't have many bad songs and that this song isn't... terrible that it went up so high.

"What About your Friends": TLC still had some growing up to do before I could take their music seriously. 1995 would be much better for them.

"If I Had No Loot": Definitely an interesting song. "Feels Good" is my preferred Tony Toni Tone.

"Come Undone": This Duran Duran song I at least get the appeal for. But again, it's nothing too special.

"What's Up?": Kinda annoying, kinda endearing? I dunno, I'm torn on this one. What's up with that?

"Dre Day": Given that half the song is Dre and Snoop telling other rappers to eat dicks... uh, yeah, consider this a lesser cut from The Chronic.

"Rebirth of Slick": All Style, No Substance: The Song.

Anyway, only six of these left to go. And there's only one year left that I've been actively dreading, and you should all know why once I reveal it...

1962

Hello, Early 60s. We meet again... for the last time.

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I have very little feelings towards the year-end list of 1962 as I only recognize Elvis, Ray Charles, "The Twist," "Twist and Shout," "Surfin' Safari," and "Green Onions." On the brighter side of things, 1962 will be the last year that you'll ever have to deal with Paul Anka.

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So we close off the most difficult era of pop music for me to write about with this one. 1962. A year full of... twisting.

 

I'm not kidding, there are so many songs about twisting on here, it's insane. I have severely underestimated Chubby Checker's influence on pop music. But anyway, was the music any good? Well... like with most years of its time, the good stuff was great, innovative, and set the stage for years to come. And the bad stuff was... almost alien-like.

Okay, that's not totally fair. It's from a different era. That doesn't make it alien, just waaay before my time. But still, there's a reason I've struggled with pre-Beatles pop lists, and it's because I just have trouble identifying with a lot of this music. Some of it is good, but the bad stuff is so bad to me that I barely even recognize it as pop music. They truly are artifacts of a time well past us. And without further ado, let's uncover these artifacts in...

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1962

Spoiler

 

I know this to be true in my heart: if you are any sort of music lover, there lies a special place in your heart reserved for hating Pat Boone.

10. "Speedy Gonzales" - Pat Boone

 

Pat Boone, and I do not put this lightly, is what's wrong with white people. He is responsible for so many sanitized, scrubbed, squeaky-clean versions of classic R&B tunes from actual talented artists with an ounce of creativity. And thus, I refuse to give him any credit for anything he does. This song is no different. This may be the most popular version of this song, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Whatever you want to say about "Speedy Gonzales" as a Looney Tunes character, there's at least character to him. Pat Boone sucks that dry with his flavourless mush of a voice. There is nothing good to say about this man, period.

 

Spoiler

 

I feel like at this point, I've gone on and on about my reactions to instrumentals hitting the Hot 100. But then again, what haven't I gone on about? So, once again: an instrumental with no story to tell in words has to be damn good and captivating to win my approval. And this... just isn't it.

9. "Tuff" - Ace Cannon

 

I... I don't even know what to say. This must have felt like elevator music even back then. But then, what do I know? I wasn't even alive back then. I might just be projecting due to my limited knowledge of this era. ...D'you see what I mean when I say this era is hard to write about??

What I do know is that this anemic song puts me right the fuck to sleep, but it's also annoying enough that I can't even call it a soothing lullaby. Normally I love a good sax, but this is not a good sax. It's a sick sax and I do hope it gets well soon.

That's to say nothing of this lack of a beat. It's like only half the backing band decided to show up. But if a crummy sax performance was all they were going to get, then I say the guys that ditched made the right call. Why was this big again?!

 

 

Spoiler

 

8. "What's Your Name?" - Don and Juan

 

This song... makes me seasick. I simply don't like listening to it. It feels like everything is slightly off. And I'd say more, but I feel like no one really cares if I lambast these two any further, because their own Wikipedia article is a stub. That's how much of a legacy they left. That ironically says more than I ever could.

 

 

Spoiler

 

7. "Duke of Earl" - Gene Chandler

You know, I'm aware that a lot of these songs are gonna be silly to some degree. That's the nature of early pop music. But really, is it asking too much to structure your song around something else other than a vocal warmup? No joke. That's the origin story of this song. Gene Chandler warms up with a "do, do, do" and that turned into "do, do, Duke of Earl". I mean, come on. It doesn't help that the rest of this song is sung in this annoying tone that Frankie Valli could only dream of achieving... but more on him later. Bottom line: This is a worthless song with no meaning and no substance, and it doesn't even sound good. What am I supposed to like about it, exactly?

 

Spoiler

 

I'm starting to get the feeling that a lot of these bad songs are stupid by design.

6. "Let Me In" - The Sensations

 

On the Wikipedia article for this song, it says that it's most memorable for a "weeoo" refrain in the chorus. If that's all your song has going for it, well, something went wrong along the way. A lot of these songs are shorter than your typical pop song these days, but this one certainly feels longer. It's so repetitive and mind-numbing. This is exactly the type of song that people could easily use to brainwash you. Or play in a torture chamber, whatever tickles your fancy. The singer's vocals aren't even good enough to save this. It's just another nothing of a song. Shall I go on?

 

 

Spoiler

 

5. "Things" - Bobby Darin

 

I was listening to this song wondering why it was in my bottom 5... then I got to the chorus where the female background singers strain their vocals to uncomfortable levels to hit high notes. This dopey song isn't worth it, ladies. And honestly, you made it worse. Not much more to say. It's a very simple song that has a very simple reason why it rubbed me the wrong way.

 

Spoiler

 

 

In a world of insufferable voices of the early 60s, Frankie Valli has to be one of the very worst. Dude sounds like a two year old having a temper tantrum. So it's only natural that he would show up on this list.

4. "Sherry" - The Four Seasons

 

It's hard to quantify exactly which Four Seasons song is the most detestable, mostly because they all sound the same. But this one has to be up there. Frankie Valli is certainly doing his thing, caterwauling over this simple beat. You know, Frankie Valli gets a lot of the attention from me because his voice is so... distinctive, but it's not like the other singers are particularly great either. That guy with the bass voice sounds like the abominable snowman from Looney Tunes.

 

But as it always does, it comes back to Frankie Valli. He can't really go for any mood other than whiny, petulant toddler, even in a love song. The Four Seasons were right to severely limit his usage later on. But this? Toss it out.

 

Spoiler

 

You know, we've come such a long way with women's rights. Still a ways to go, of course, but let's not ruin the progress we've made by taking cues from the early 60s, shall we?

3. "Johnny Get Angry" - Joanie Summers

 

You see, fellas, when you get angry at your woman, it just shows that you care for her all that much more! The women don't want a meek man. They want a caveman! There's a Geico commercial that you might like.

Nah, this is crap that could only have been made in this era. This is some gross pandering gender-role-enforcing shit. Also, there's a kazoo solo. A damn kazoo solo. I think that was the tipping point for me. No kazoos in my Billboard hits. Thank you. If you really want Johnny to get angry, just play this song.

 

Spoiler

 

I hate you, Ray Stevens.

2. "Ahab the Arab" - Ray Stevens

 

Ray Stevens is what you get when you give Weird Al a frontal lobotomy and take away his musical talent. This song is what it sounds like when your 80-year-old, senile, kinda racist grandfather tries to tell a funny anecdote. Because if it was just racist, that'd be one thing. But it's also rambling and incoherent and it's barely even a fucking song. I cannot believe that even in 1962, the time of garbage novelty hits, this caught fire. And I also can't believe that we continued Ray Stevens' career for at least another decade. Ray Stevens is like if Lil Dicky existed in the 60s. Talentless, meet witless. You can put either one in either slot.

It's just so infuriating. You have artists who work at their craft, and try to put comedy into their writing. and then there's this asshole, who thinks singing about "AY-RABS" and imitating their language accounts for the same amount of humour. and it gets success. I weep for 1962.

 

Spoiler

 

But this year, it comes down to The Chipmunks for the worst song.

Okay, not The Chipmunks directly, but you listen to this and tell me it's not inspired in some way by them.

1. "Norman" - Sue Thompson

 

God damn, this is the same Sue Thompson that performed "Sad Movies (Make Me Cry)", a song from this era I actually liked! What happened between that song and this one, because this is a horrendous step down. Cheesy trumpets, a non-existent chorus, and god, that voice. She really gives Donny Osmond a run for his money. Seriously, this sounds like it was sung by a pre-pubescent boy, and not a particularly good singing one, either. And it's even worse now that I know she can do better. Yet she settled for this. I hope you're happy, Norman. Whoever you are.

 

 

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SHEESH!!!! o.o For the most part, the bad songs were REALLY down right bad or just down right un-memorable for THIS year! Although the LATTER would DEFINITELY be preferable in THIS case! :rolleyes: Let's hope the GOOD songs are that much greater! Enough said, true believer! :cool:

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True story about "Sherry": I recall hearing that song play on one of my local stations in Florida about 9 or 10 years ago back when it it played easy listening music from the '60s (thank god it's just mostly '70s and '80s now). Back then, I thought it was the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. In other words, "Sherry" is one of the first songs I ever disliked and while I can think of even worse songs now, that song still holds a place in my heart as one of the worst songs I ever heard and I'm really glad I saw it on here along with "Speedy Gonzales" and "Ahab the Arab".

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The early 60s are an era of pop music which I've tried to give my due diligence. It's tough because to be so far removed from the trends really means you have no idea what's going on half the time. Sure, there were some songs that lived on to stand the test of time, but a lot of it was singing about cartoon cavemen or yellow polka-dot bikinis and I just can't get into that kind of novelty. Now, maybe this stuff was popular at the time for a reason. But if we're talking about an era that predates not only myself, but my parents as well, you can't be surprised when I come up a little short in the explanation department. Regardless, with this list, I close out this era of pop music for this series. 1962 really did have a good crop of songs to put on this list, and I'm happy now to present it to you. Partly because I really like these songs, and partly because I'm happy to finally get this era of music over with. So let's go!

Wumbo's Top 10 Hits of 1962

Spoiler

 

Like I said, the pop charts of 1962, and the early 60s in general, are mostly silly and insubstantial, at least in my view. Again, I say this as a 24-year-old born in the mid-90s, so how much can I really know? What I do know is that the songs that stand the test of time the best are the ones that have substance, and yet manage to be fun and upbeat as well. Here's a fine example.

10. "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" - Neil Sedaka

 

This is what I've come to expect from the good pop songs of this era. A fun, catchy beat, with some sort of either forlorn or happy message. In this case, it's the former. Neil Sedaka really does a good job of selling this song through his voice, which I've always found to be more refined than his counterparts. He seems to have more control over it and know what he's doing. Then again, maybe listening to Frankie Valli will put you in the mood for just about anyone else to sing.

I dunno, it does its job. It's a fun, upbeat pop song with some substance behind it. In 1962, that's good enough to make the list.

 

Spoiler

 

Then again, sometimes all you need is that catchy beat. And that's exactly what we get here. Plus a little dance to go along with it! And lord knows, in 1962 we didn't have enough dancing.

9. "The Loco-Motion" - Little Eva

 

I've said this in the past, but with my little diatribe against silly music in the opening of this list, I feel like I should say it again: I have nothing against silly music on principle. I like plenty of silly songs; there's a lot of artists I wouldn't be able to stand if that weren't the case. They just have to actually be fun, and not grate on my ears or nerves. Take this song, for example. I have no idea how anyone could dislike it. It's so forcefully charming, and manages to stand out in its own right even with the avalanche of dance songs in 1962. Little Eva has just the right presence for this style of song, which is a classic R&B tune with just a little bit of rock edge. Kind of modeled after Chubby Checker himself. The Twistin' Dude has truly been a bigger influence than I could have ever imagined.

Of course, the song got covered and made it big twice more to diminishing quality, so I think it's important to remember where it all started from. This is a great little pop tune and it's certainly earned its place in people's memories.

 

Spoiler

 

Sharp writing can really help a song along, especially in 1962. Here's a song that really succeeds at what it's trying to do with its writing.

8. "The Wanderer" - Dion

 

Dion has that kind of voice that doesn't really pop up as often as others in the early 60s. It's more gravelly. And it really works for this song. He really does sound like a guy who's had these experiences, and is so world-weary of it all. And that shows up in the writing, too. Dion masks the sadness of this lifestyle in bravado, but even he lets the mask slip as he admits he's "going nowhere". That's pretty sharp, subversive writing for the pop landscape of the early 60s. I have to give props for that. Overall, "The Wanderer" is a song that aims to do more than most pop songs of this era. And it succeeds.

 

Spoiler

 

It's Ray Charles.

7. "I Can't Stop Loving You" - Ray Charles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-YqaTDDCDM

Ray Charles is the King Midas of the early 60s. Everything he touches turns to gold. He's a master of melodies and he has a captivating voice. I've said enough about him in the past, but rest assured he did not stop being good in 1962. Just in case you were worried. God, what a talent.

 

Spoiler

 

Well, it had to happen again.

6. "The Twist" - Chubby Checker

 

It's kinda nuts just how popular this song was, so much so that it transcended years to hit #1 twice. That's impressive. We'll see if "Old Town Road" has the kind of legs to beat it on the all-time list. But somehow, I doubt it. This song must have been absolutely everywhere at the time, and it's not hard to see why. It's absolutely a classic, and easily one of the most fun songs of the entire era. The fast pace really helps this song along. It's a powerful fireball of a dance track, and it's no surprise that people wanted to keep on twisting after this song, and that artist after artist tried to cash in on the trend. Chubby Checker, I salute you. Keep on twistin'.

 

Spoiler

 

I've had my fair share of instrumentals covered on this series. Some good, some bad. But only the most iconic stand a shot at making this list. And when it comes to iconography, this one is pretty hard to beat.

5. "The Stripper" - David Rose

 

If you've ever seen a movie with a cheesy strip scene, chances are you've heard this song. It is just so inescapable in pop culture. And rightly so! It may have become a soundtrack staple to the point of cliché, but it's hard to cry foul when the song is called, y'know, "The Stripper". One of the most perfect evocations of big brass music of the early 60s I've ever heard. Say what you will about the classics, and how they may not measure up to songs today, but they will always be timeless. There's no way for this song to get old. It's right up there with the classical songs of 100+ years ago. It's that powerful.

 

Spoiler

 

Ray Charles.

4. "You Don't Know Me" - Ray Charles

 

I am constantly floored by this man's presence as a performer. He truly was in a league all his own. you know, I've gushed about this man enough. Much as I love him, I can imagine it gets tiresome for y'all. so let's just skip to the next one. But yes, do listen to this song. Like the majority of his discography, it's gold.

 

Spoiler

 

Of course, when you think of soulful 60s music, there's only one other place to go: The Everly Brothers!

Wait, wh-

3. "Crying in the Rain" - Everly Brothers

 

Okay, I can dig it.

Now, nothing against The Everly Brothers, obviously. They've certainly earned their spot in musical stardom. But I would never really call any of their songs tear-jerkers. Until this one, which is certainly the closest they've come. I don't know if there were any other songs before this one about crying in the rain, but it's such an evocative, sad image that you'd have to be a right fool to screw it up.

And screw it up they don't! I'm a big fan of the harmonies here, kind of like a proto-Simon and Garfunkel. Maybe The Everly Brothers will never make a best artists list of mine or anything. But they do have a fair number of great songs under their belt. And this may be their best of all.

 

Spoiler

 

And then, sometimes... you just get something inspired.

2. "You'll Lose a Good Thing" - Barbara Lynn

 

It is often hard for me to write about these songs because, despite my thinking that they're really good, they still feel way too distant from me to really connect with them. We're coming up on the early 60s being 60 years ago. It's not uncommon to think this way. But this song oozes such passion and soul that it's impossible not to connect with it. Barbara Lynn is one of those talents that fell by the wayside when talking about early 60s talent. She doesn't really have the notoriety that Chubby Checker or Ray Charles do. But she truly is something special. She has this attitude and swagger to her voice that you didn't really get with female artist in this era. But it totally works for her. She stands right up there with the greats, and this truly is one of the best songs of the era. But not the best of 1962.

 

Spoiler

 

It's rare that an instrumental makes it on this list. It's even rarer for an instrumental to top it. Hell, even the two-time winner "Wipe Out" had someone saying "wipe out!" But this one? Nada. Not a thing. The music speaks for itself, and folks, this may be the best instrumental that I'll ever cover in this series. Enjoy.

1. "Green Onions" - Booker T. & the M.G.'s

 

This song absolutely transcends its era, or any era of music, really, to simply become one of the best-written pieces of music of the modern era. You're looking for proto-funk, you need to go back before James Brown and check out this. This is where things really started to come together in the 60s, and it's possibly the first really excellent Hot 100 hit that wasn't by Ray Charles. It's so smooth and carefree. It's a joy to listen to every time. And while artists may have done better later on, no one did better in 1962 than Booker T. & the M.G.'s. Did I mention Booker T. is only 17 here. Nuts. The kids are alright. And honestly, when it comes down to it, so is 1962.

 

Full List:

Spoiler

 

1. "Green Onions" - Booker T. & the M.G.'s

2. "You'll Lose a Good Thing" - Barbara Lynn

3. "Crying in the Rain" - The Everly Brothers

4. "You Don't Know Me" - Ray Charles

5. "The Stripper" - David Rose                

6. "The Twist" - Chubby Checker

7. "I Can't Stop Loving You" - Ray Charles

8. "The Wanderer" - Dion

9. "The Loco-Motion" - Little Eva

10. "Breaking Up is Hard to Do" - Neil Sedaka

11. "Johnny Angel" - Shelley Fabares

12. "The One Who Really Loves You" - Mary Wells

13. "Break It to Me Gently" - Brenda Lee

14. "Twistin' the Night Away" - Sam Cooke

15. "Twist and Shout" - The Isley Brothers

16. "Hey! Baby" - Bruce Channel

17. "A Little Bitty Tear" - Burl Ives

18. "Can't Help Falling in Love" - Elvis Presley

19. "Everybody Loves Me but You" - Brenda Lee

20. "Uptown" - The Crystals

21. "Dear Lady Twist" - Gary U.S. Bonds

22. "Slow Twistin'" - Chubby Checker & Dee Dee Sharp

23. "The Wah-Watusi" - The Orlons

24. "Peppermint Twist" - Joey Dee and the Starliters

25. "Al di là" - Emilio Pericoli

26. "Sheila" - Tommy Roe

27. "It Keeps Right on a-Hurtin'" - Johnny Tillotson

28. "Mashed Potato Time" - Dee Dee Sharp

29. "Playboy" - The Marvelettes

30. "Sealed with a Kiss" - Brian Hyland

31. "Midnight in Moscow" - Kenny Ball

32. "Lover Please" - Clyde McPhatter

33. "You Beat Me to the Punch" - Mary Wells

34. "She's Got You" - Patsy Cline

35. "I'm Blue (The Gong-Gong Song)" - The Ikettes

36. "Don't Break the Heart That Loves You" - Connie Francis

37. "Dream Baby (How Long Must I Dream)" - Roy Orbison

38. "Funny Way of Laughin'" - Burl Ives

39. "Surfin' Safari" - The Beach Boys

40. "Soldier Boy" - The Shirelles

41. "I Know (You Don't Love Me No More)" - Barbara George

42. "Lovers Who Wander" - Dion

43. "Patches" - Dickey Lee

44. "Cindy's Birthday" - Johnny Crawford

45. "Love Letters" - Ketty Lester

46. "Good Luck Charm" - Elvis Presley

47. "Ramblin' Rose" - Nat King Cole

48. "Theme from Dr. Kildare (Three Stars Will Shine Tonight)" - Richard Chamberlain

49. "A Swingin' Safari" - Billy Vaughn

50. "Let's Dance" - Chris Montez

51. "Venus in Blue Jeans" - Jimmy Clanton

52. "Roses Are Red (My Love)" - Bobby Vinton

53. "Palisades Park" - Freddy Cannon

54. "Baby It's You" - The Shirelles

55. "Soul Twist" - King Curtis

56. "I'll Never Dance Again" - Bobby Rydell

57. "Twist, Twist Senora" - Gary U.S. Bonds

58. "Smoky Places" - The Corsairs

59. "Twistin' Matilda" - Jimmy Soul

60. "Walk on the Wild Side" - Jimmy Smith

61. "Gravy (For My Mashed Potatoes)" - Dee Dee Sharp

62. "Shout! Shout! (Knock Yourself Out)" - Ernie Maresca

63. "Having a Party" - Sam Cooke

64. "Snap Your Fingers" - Joe Henderson

65. "Shout" - Joey Dee and the Starliters

66. "She Cried" - Jay and the Americans

67. "Where Have All the Flowers Gone?" - The Kingston Trio

68. "Moon River" - Henry Mancini

69. "(The Man Who Shot) Liberty Valance" - Gene Pitney

70. "If I Had a Hammer" - Peter, Paul and Mary

71. "Town Without Pity" - Gene Pitney

72. "I Wish That We Were Married" - Ronnie & the Hi-Lites

73. "Old Rivers" - Walter Brennan

74. "Wolverton Mountain" - Claude King

75. "Tell Me" - Dick and Dee Dee

76. "Love Me Warm and Tender" - Paul Anka

77. "PT-109" - Jimmy Dean

78. "Stranger on the Shore" - Acker Bilk

79. "Cotton Fields" - The Highwaymen

80. "Alley Cat" - Bent Fabric

81. "Party Lights" - Claudine Clark

82. "You Belong to Me" - The Duprees

83. "Rinky Dink" - Dave "Baby" Cortez

84. "Young World" - Ricky Nelson

85. "Dear One" - Larry Finnegan

86. "Teen Age Idol" - Rick Nelson

87. "Her Royal Majesty" - James Darren

88. "Percolator (Twist)" - Billy Joe and the Checkmates

89. "Little Diane" - Dion

90. "(Girls, Girls, Girls) Made to Love" - Eddie Hodges

91. "Speedy Gonzales" - Pat Boone

92. "Tuff" - Ace Cannon

93. "What's Your Name" - Don and Juan

94. "Duke of Earl" - Gene Chandler

95. "Let Me In" - The Sensations

96. "Things" - Bobby Darin

97. "Sherry" - The Four Seasons

98. "Johnny Get Angry" - Joanie Sommers

99. "Ahab the Arab" - Ray Stevens

100. "Norman" - Sue Thompson

 

(please go easy on the requests this time around, I promise you I have little to nothing to say about the majority of these songs)

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"Surfin' Safari": I've never been the hugest Beach Boys fan, but this song is fine enough.

"Hey Baby": Blame the Dominican Republic for my love of this song, as they played remixes of it endlessly. What can I say? It's a catchy tune.

"Twistin' the Night Away": Sam Cooke was a real underrated talent who was gone far too soon.

"Twist and Shout": Is it heresy to say I prefer The Beatles' version? This is still great, though.

"Can't Help Falling in Love with You": One of Elvis' best-remembered ballads, and for good reason. A true classic.

All right, five to go! And we'll start by finishing off the 2000s, starting with...

2004

Yes, finally. The year of Hoobastank. Who's excited?

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2004, the year that Britney Spears hit it big with the hit song "Toxic", Bowling For Soup hit it big with the hit song "1985", and I'm PRETTY sure Justin Timberlake was starting to hit it big with his solo career. It should be interesting, at any rate. Enough said, true believers! :cool:

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Well girl, this is my sorry for being so late with these lists.

 

I realize they've been coming out less and less frequently. I still like doing them, but I'd be lying if I said a bit of burnout wasn't involved here. When it's not convenient for me to take on these lists, it can admittedly feel like a pain in the butt. But I do it for you, and for me, because we're almost done. So let's have some fun with 2004.

2004 was an interesting year for me, in that it's probably the first year I really started paying attention to music charts and pop music, at the tender age of nine. Before then I would be sure to hear songs on the radio and form my baby-brained opinions on them, but this is when I really started to take a look at what was popular. So I think I remember this year a little more fondly than I actually should.

 

What exactly *was* crunk, really? No matter all the astonishing variety on the charts in 2004, crunk seemed to be that presence that lingered throughout the year. And while a good chunk of it I actually liked, the bad stuff was real bad and just sounds embarrassing today. Not that there wasn't enough bad to go around all the genres, however! Yes, I'd count this as one of my more varied lists of bad songs, because 2004 seemed to attack you on all fronts with its badness. We'll get to the good stuff, and it is there, but for now, sit back and "enjoy"...

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 2004

Spoiler

 

"Heaven" - Los Lonely Boys

 

I'm counting this as an honourable mention simply because they named themselves "Los Lonely Boys". Even without hearing the song, they make me want to puke. And it's not like the song is stellar, either. But anyways, onto the list proper.

 

Spoiler

 

 

Sometimes it's hard to believe that 2004 was 15 years ago already, but it becomes easier to believe when you see the sheer number of artists that just did not last through the years. Take this guy, for example. Ryan Cabrera. Who is he? What is his personality? Did he even exist, or was he just a phase Alex Band went through in 2004? There were a lot of inexplicably big but retroactively anonymous artists this year. But this had to be the most anonymous of all.

10. "Turn Me On" - Kevin Lyttle

 

Kevin Lyttle is... well, he's... I... I have no idea. He's completely nondescript, is what he is. He has a little bit of a high, reedy voice that I guess must have appealed to somebody in 2004. But to whom, I can't imagine. We already had Sean Paul making this kind of dancehall music, and at least he had some bass to his voice. I truly do not understand how this got big. And... listening to these lyrics... well, they're not very good either.

But if you think you're gonna get away from me
You better change your mind
You're going home
You're going home with me tonight

I mean, come on, I don't expect Shakespeare from these songs, but at least try not to sound so immediately predatory? This is some proto-"Tonight I'm Fuckin' You" shit, and it really puts a sour mood on an otherwise underwhelming song. Can't imagine anyone actually being turned on by this, except maybe Kevin Lyttle himself. A one-hit wonder without the wonder. Goodbye.

 

 

Spoiler

 

9. "Slow Motion" - Juvenile ft. Soulja Slim

 

What can you say about a rap song that doesn't even bother to stay on beat? In terms of slow jams, this is easily one of the worst that got popular in the 2000s. What is there even to say about Juvenile's performance? It sounds like he just woke up and they stuck a microphone in his face.

Thankfully Soulja Slim at least seems to know how to rap, though his lyrics aren't much better. It's a shame he died so soon, and that his only big song is this. He probably deserved better. Maybe. But I got no positive things to say about this song. It's so dreary. I can't imagine anyone using this as a sex jam. Isn't a sex jam supposed to be... sexy? I guess in 2004 people were grinding to this, and it makes me wonder how any babies were made that year at all.

 

Spoiler

 

Nickelback deserve all the hate they get.

8. "Someday" - Nickelback

 

Seriously, what kind of world do we live in where a song like this gets big? With Chad Kroeger Kroegering all over the track like he usually does, the sludgy, boring instrumentation, the vapid lyrics... I could go on, baby. Yeah, this one's really bad. It's that awful middle ground between their sludgier early sound and their more "radio-friendly" later stuff. And it just sounds like aaaasssss. At least the earlier stuff had grit, and at least the later stuff didn't sound as drearily dogshit as this. Who would even listen to this song? What's the point? The important thing is, no one really listens to Nickelback anymore. And to that I say, good riddance. A stain on Canada's musical reputation.

 

Spoiler

 

Then again, as awful as Nickelback is, I don't think there's any song on this list I more immediately had an allergic reaction to than this one.

7. "When the Sun Goes Down" - Kenny Chesney ft. Uncle Kracker

 

Kenny Chesney has been referred to as a Jimmy Buffet ripoff without all the smarts, and nowhere is it more evident than this song, where he basically draws a middle ground between "Margaritaville" and Sugar Ray's "Fly", the latter of which I find an absolutely rancid song, for the record. So it's no surprise that this song makes me break out in hives. It's obviously okay to have fun in your music. But to bring on Uncle Kracker? Well, that alone should make you eligible for trial by war crimes. No, I'm sorry, Uncle Kracker is straight up one of the worst artists of this decade. He has a voice like every college frat bro douche with a head cold, and his smarmy tones here certainly don't help this song's case. It's just so... meatheaded. This feels like a party where only Uncle Kracker and Kenny Chesney are having fun, and all the girls want to leave as soon as possible. Is that a party anyone wants to go to? I don't think so. I want to be at a party where Uncle Kracker is having as little fun as possible. Speaking of, here's the line that convinced me fully to put it on this list:

She thinks Kracker's sexy when the sun goes down

It's apt that this song makes me think of "Margaritaville", because it also makes me want to vomit like after a night of bad drinking. Let's move on, please.

 

 

Spoiler

 

6. "One Call Away" - Chingy ft. J-Weav

 

I have a question: Why was Chingy ever a thing? Did anyone actually like him? This preening, annoying rapper that has a flow like an asthmatic fourth-grader? And we expect him to carry a love song? Good god. Okay, that was four questions. But they all pertain to the inexplicable success of this song.

That's "J-Weav" on the hook, by the way, who actually provided the singing voice for Simba in The Lion King. The original, not the crappy remake. Listening to this performance, it appears his voice hasn't aged a day since then. Any less bass in his voice and he'd be indistinguishable from Lloyd. So he does nothing to save the song. And Chingy certainly does nothing to save it, being his usual annoying self with nothing interesting to add. So it's a useless song overall. Just when you think it can't get worse, Chingy sets out to prove you wrong.

 

Spoiler

 

Oh God, another one?!

5. "Sunshine" - Lil' Flip ft. Lea

 

The mid-2000s was when Houston rap started to come out in full prominence. One of the big names was Lil' Flip, who honestly wasn't that bad. But seriously, were songs like these just a contract requirement for these rappers? This is just flat terrible. The beat sounds half-finished, Lea sounds like Mariah Carey with laryngitis, and Lil' Flip could not sound less interested in this topic. It feels like this track got one run-through and nothing more. Thankfully, this wasn't one of the songs I remembered. And I doubt anyone else remembers it either.  Case in point? Lea's Wikipedia article is on the verge of being deleted. Man, that's harsher than any criticism I can give. The notability of this song has reached an all-time low.

 

Spoiler

 

Now this song I wish I could forget.

4. "Lean Back" - Terror Squad

 

Ah, Fat Joe. Another rapper whom I'm not clear on if anyone actually liked. Granted, he has more of a case than Chingy, as he has huge associations with Big Pun, who died way too young at the turn of the millennium. Unfortunately, he has none of Big Pun's talent and one of the most irritating voices in hip hop. This was the era of crunk, with acts like Lil Jon actively looking to assault your eardrums. Yet I'd listen to a dozen Lil Jon songs before one Fat Joe. He barely sounds like he's rapping. He just sounds like he's yelling. Remy Ma is on this song too as part of Terror Squad, but... did anyone really care about her either? She doesn't do much to stand out from the crowd, besides a couple clever lines. But the whole song is so slathered in Fat Joe's ugly voice and Scott Storch's ugly, sterile beat that it's pretty much dead on arrival before she even gets a chance to save it.

This is a worthless song. It's literally a dance song without the dance. It's a lazy song for lazy people. and every time I lean back into the music of 2004, I avoid this one like the plague. Next!

 

Spoiler

 

As I said before, crunk ruled the airwaves this year. You've already seen some crunk or crunk-adjacent songs on this list, and while I said that this list was varied in its song choices, you'll forgive me if I give you another crunk song. Because... oh god, that beat.

3. "Goodies" - Ciara ft. Petey Pablo

 

I have never been able to stand a single Ciara song. There, I said it. And more than a few times, the problem is the beat. I mean, listen to this thing. It sounds like an air raid. Of course, not helping matters is Ciara referring to sexual advances as "goodies", which may be the most fucking disgusting thing on this entire chart. "Goodies"? You couldn't have put this song through a second draft and come up with... I don't know, anything other than fucking "goodies"!  You may as well have went with "yum-yums" or "tummy-ticklers", as long as we're being juvenile and nauseating with our word choice.

https://genius.com/Ciara-goodies-lyrics?referent_id=17488665#note-17488665

Wait, that... was the second draft? So you looked for a word that wouldn't disgust you, and you came up with... goodies? I... I have no words.

Petey Pablo is also on this song. Makes absolutely no sense for him to be on here, as he actively goes against the message of the song and just comes off like a predator given the song's subject matter. But I can't say that's all his fault. Why make a song about sexual abstinence this overtly sexual? And then why bring Petey Pablo on in the first place? I suppose you need something to break up Ciara's twee, wilting flower of a voice. It's just a complete mess, from beginning to end. "Goodies". Right from the title you can tell that this one will hurt. Ugh.

 

 

Spoiler

 

2. "The Reason" - Hoobastank

 

Over 600 million views. 600 million. For this pile of shit.

I... I need a moment.

...

Okay, now that I'm back from walling my bang against the head, let's song about this talk. I always say that no matter what your taste in music is, it's your taste, and you shouldn't have to justify it to anyone. But... I am simply making a humble request to the people who like this song to throw me a bone here. Why? If you like rock, it's barely rock. If you like sappy breakup songs, there are ones that go way harder and have more descriptive lyrics than this shit. This is like Baby's First Songwriting Class. It's like someone told Doug Robb to write what he felt, and gave him no instructions past that, so he decided to write the most artless, basic thing possible. I'm surprised this song hasn't caused a second wave of Manson murders. There is simply nothing to like about it. It's formless, artless, basic trash. But there was still one song I found worse...

 

Spoiler

 

One. Here comes the two to the three to the four...

1. "Tipsy" - J-Kwon

 

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'd best believe I was here for this shit. And I hated it just as much then as I do now. Thankfully it seems like this song has lost popularity over the years, not exactly sticking around like Lil Jon has. And thank God for that, because this song is just... bottom of the barrel. I get that this guy was only 17 when he recorded this, but it really stands as an indictment on the pop charts of 2004 that this got big at all. There's no real melody outside of that farting synth, the lyrics are beyond basic, and even the video to this song basically rips off every other house party video that came before it. There's nothing to this song. It sucked then and it sucks now. And now I have to get tipsy just to forget about it.

 

 

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