Wumbo Ranks Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Charts! (Ahhh, the deed is done.)

[Sweat]

Holy shit The Cure had a hit song in the US?

[Joe Biden]

It's alright, man. I totally understand and I respect whichever decision or fate you choose. I've always enjoyed hearing your thoughts on many of the different Billboard years ever since 2015 and while I may be a bit bummed if you choose to end your project early, I still would understand the reasons why. It's really amazing how farther you've made it than any of us others ever did though. 

 

And since I don't want to make you do too much, I'll just do three songs and those three are:

Stand

What I Am

Sowing the Seeds of Love

[Wumbo]

Welcome to the Jungle/Paradise City: Guns n' Roses fuckin' rule, and these are some of the best rock anthems of the 80's. Make no mistake!

Love Shack: Totally fun song that just feels like you're in the middle of a party, Impossible not to sing along, if incoherently.

Express Yourself: Good year for Madonna! This is one of her most fun, uplifting songs, and I do quite like it.

Funky Cold Medina: I don't know how well Tone Loc has aged among his peers, but this is still a fun if slightly simple and corny song.

Every Little Step: Bobby Brown has had a lot of success this year, probably one of the first and best to really perfect that new jack swing R&B.

The Promise: Decent song. You'd think that the one guy could spare some hair for the other, though.

Once Bitten Twice Shy: The very worst hair metal bands are the ones you've never heard of. I mean, yeesh.

Milli Vanilli: Okay, let's just nip this one in the bud: Milli Vanilli are absolutely insufferable, with and without the lip-syncing scam. This is the most hack 80s pop I've heard in quite some time, and part of why I delayed this so much is that I was wondering how to say "these guys suck" four different times.

"Lovesong": The Cure's breakthrough year-end hit, and one of my favourite songs by them. Call me a normie, I don't care.

"On Our Own": For a Ghostbusters II song, this ain't half bad.

Batdance: Absolutely hilariously bad mess of a song. No idea what Prince was thinking here.

Stand: I genuinely didn't know that R.E.M. crossed over before "Losing My Religion". This is another great song to file in their catalogue of great songs.

What I Am: I've always kinda liked this off-kilter song, especially in the context of 1989, when everything was smooth and polished, here's this song that just revels in its angst and quirkiness. You can really see the seeds of adult alternative in the 90s sprouting here. I was floored when I found out this was from the 80s, no joke.

Sowing the Seeds of Love: A wee bit self-indulgent looking back, but I kind of appreciate Tears for Fears' attempt to recreate Sgt. Pepper all the same.

[4EverGreen]

22 hours ago, Wumbo said:

Batdance: Absolutely hilariously bad mess of a song. No idea what Prince was thinking here.

It actually wasn't Prince's idea to make the song, he was forced into it by his record label company Warner Bros. Records. Basically, they said, "Make a song/album for the 1989 "Batman" film, or we will NOT finance or promote your upcoming 1990 film/soundtrack Graffiti Bridge". "Batdance" was Prince's attempt to do the most clumsy, most uninspired, most insipid song he could think of, in an attempt to get out of the whole ordeal. Instead, Warner Bros. Records absolutely loved it, marketed it, and SOMEHOW managed to make it hit #1 despite Prince's whole objection/lack of enthusiasm for the project. It's very telling how Prince NEVER allowed that song to EVER be released on an album of his, until AFTER he passed away, when he no longer had any say in the matter.

[Wumbo]

All right, let's do it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3-0E2oFhPwQ

Yeah, I know what I said, but... since doing the shorter reviews for songs that you requested, I figured it just isn't fair to go by without giving a year its full day in court. And boy oh boy, if there's a year that deserves it, it's 1989.

1989! Where the gaudy glamour of the 80s was just about reaching its breaking point, and near everything seemed to be going to shit. The bad songs this year were baaaad. And while I still found some good songs to make up a Top 10, the amount of mediocrity and lack of care scattered throughout this year is staggering. This is a year where Prince failed to impress. Prince!

So I realize this is going to be a bit of a weird one since I've already shown the list, but believe it or not, this isn't the first time I've done something like this. Waaay back in this thread, I put out a 1959 list before writing about it, and I think that one actually turned out pretty well! Maybe this one will too. We'll see. In any case, I'm writing this under the assumption that you haven't seen the full list nor my opinions, because that's the only way to create any sort of suspenseful atmosphere. Of course, that won't stop me from lampshading here and there. Ooh, what's going to be the number one? Well, let's find out... together. First, it's...

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 1989

Spoiler

 

You know, I came to accept that the late 80's was full of gaudy, embarrassing fad artists that were gone within a couple years. But I still have to ask: who and what the fuck is this?

10. "I Like It" - Dino

 

It's kind of impressive just how many maladies this song is afflicted with. It's almost like you can play Bingo with the terrible choices made in this song. That awful, screeching synth. The by-the-numbers production that just about everybody was riding better. The charisma-free, goofy-as-hell singer named... Dino.

 

Dino. He could have chosen any stage name, and he went with a cartoon dinosaur-dog from the 60s. Yabba-dabba-don't.

And obviously I could look past that if the song was any good, but it really isn't. Dino has no real presence as a macho man on this track, much as he's wanting to. You can see the Vanilla Ice oozing off of this guy. Marky Mark had more cred than this, and he's already the worst part of all his songs.

No, I can't jam to this at all. It's cheesy in all the worst and least memorable ways possible. Should have left this in the stone age.

 

Spoiler

 

Of course, if you really want to get on my bad side... gutless soft rock is always the way to do it.

9. "Right Here Waiting" - Richard Marx

 

Ugh. One of the big ones today.

Look, I don't want to hate on Richard Marx too badly, though I know it seems like I do. In the grand scheme of things, he's harmless. Most of these soft-rock guys are. But I cannot say I've ever fully endorsed a single one of his songs, even when it sounded like he gave a shit about being interesting. And here, that's certainly not on the table. This is straight up one of the most boring and bland songs I've ever covered here. There's just nothing to it. It's perfectly milquetoast all the way through. Exactly why did we give this guy a pass again?

Sorry, I... I really don't want to be too cruel. But seriously, right? Even in the area of soft rock, there's better than this junk. This isn't even a musical idea. This is a blank template where a competent, interesting song should go. You may as well just go "lovely dovey lovey dovey" over a chimpanzee strumming a banjo and get the same emotional resonance. What's there to say about this song? Nothing. I'm done.

 

Spoiler

 

Number 8. And number 6. And number 4. And number 3. Look, let's just get all these out of the way right now.

Almost half the list: Milli Vanilli

("Blame It on the Rain", #8; "Girl You Know It's True", #6; "Baby Don't Forget My Number", #4; "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You", #3)

I realize this is a rather unorthodox way to do a countdown, but I'm not gonna waste your time continuously saying "It's Milli Vanilli again!" It's the same shit with these guys. We all know their story, the infamous lip syncing scandal and resulting revelations that caused them to relinquish their 1990 Grammy award for best new artist. But I want to give credence to a little thought here: even without all that, this "group" was goddamn terrible.

I truly don't even know what to say here. This is the absolute worst iteration of 80s dance music you could get. Figures that it rose to prominence in the era of the 80s that was eating its own tail. But seriously, Milli Vanilli are the worst. Whoever does their voices sounds like ass, especially the awful "rapping" on tracks like "Girl You Know It's True" and "Baby Don't Forget My Number" and... I guess whatever they're doing on "Girl I'm Gonna Miss You"? That one's the worst by a mile, by the way. Everything from Vanilla Ice to Eurodance would laugh at this shit. And the production always manages to get to a special kind of annoying where it sounds like they mashed three annoying songs together at once. So I figured if the team behind this abortion of a group was so callous to do that, why not have me put all four songs of theirs on the same entry? Seems only fair, given the damage they've done. Milli Vanilli suck. Plain and simple. Rest in peace to Rob Pilatus, who probably deserved better than being the showy glamour boy for this ruse of a "band". Ugh.

 

Spoiler

 

Cover songs. The bane of my existence, or so it seems here.

 

I've gone on and on about so many bad, baaad cover songs while doing these lists. The refreshing thing is that most of the time, they're bad for different reasons. So I get something sorta-new to talk about each time. Let's talk about another one, shall we?

7. "Rock On" - Michael Damian

 

Ah yes, from the movie Dream a Little Dream. We're off to a great start.

Good lord, what made the original song work was its sparse instrumentation and letting David Essex's powerful vocals carry it. This just has way too much going on, as is common around this era. And Michael Damian is no David Essex. He got his start as a soap opera actor, and if this vocal performance is any indication, he should have stayed there. This is some cheap-sounding George Michael wannabeism at best. Just leave good songs alone. No one was asking for a cover of "Rock On". What was even the thought process behind this? Lame.

 

Spoiler

 

You know, if there's one thing we can thank Milli Vanilli for, it's keeping these guys from getting a #1.

5. "Heaven" - Warrant

 

It's often said that the cream rises to the top. But as this and Milli Vanilli prove, so does the scum. I mean, my god. Is it possible to have negative talent? This guy sounds like he's never had a singing lesson in his life. And by 1989, these power ballads were getting beyond tedious, especially when they were made by talentless, hacky bands like Warrant. There's not an idea here, musically or lyrically, that hasn't been done a thousand times over by Bon Jovi, Poison, Def Leppard, and done better too. I truly hate this band, and if you know anything about good 80s music, you should too. Such a waste of people's time.

 

Spoiler

 

There are bad songs. You hear them all the time, and you forget about them. It's the nature of bad, forgettable music. Most of the time, it just goes away. But every so often, there comes a time when you just have to shake your head at the very concept of a musical idea. You have to shake your head and ask yourself, "who the hell ever wanted this?"

2. "Baby, I Love Your Way/Freebird Medley" - Will to Power

 

So let's ignore all the chintzy, sterile production and the completely manufactured-sounding vocal performances. I don't think we got the message of the song quite enough, female singer. Could you be possibly a little breathier? But no, we're gonna forget about all that for a second. Why the hell would you do a mashup of these two songs in the first place?

Okay, as much as it pains me to say it, I could at least see a soft rock version of "Baby, I Love Your Way" working. It would still suck, no doubt. We can hear it in this song. But it's at least a plausible idea that I can see a sane person coming up with. But who wanted a soft rock version of goddamn "Free Bird"?! One of the most notoriously slamming rock jams of all time? A crushing buildup to guitar solos for days? A soft rock version of that? And more importantly, what do the two songs have to do with each other? It's no surprise that Will to Power decided to mash these two songs up in the safest, most sterile way possible, because that's the only way they could wring any common ground out of these songs, by sucking the life out of them. "Free Bird" is about freedom and leaving things and people behind. "Baby, I Love Your Way"... this is not a hard concept, guys! You can't just mash two songs together and think we won't notice their thematic differences!

Sadly, it looks like the general public didn't care nearly as much as I did, as this train wreck of a track went to #1 in late 1988 and scored enough points to make the year-end this year. Why? Because I guess people were so jaded by the awful music scene that they would just let anything chart. Even a badly executed mashup that ruins not one, but two great songs. Blech.

 

 

Spoiler

 

So! Probably asking yourself, "What could possibly be worse than this?" At least, you probably would be if you hadn't already seen the list. Anyway, it's this. And deservedly so.

1. "How Can I Fall?" - Breathe

 

I really don't have much to say except this is just flat crap. There is nothing about this husk of a song that is any good whatsoever. It is a horrendously boring turd that has nothing good going for it. This singer is like if Josh Groban had no power to his voice. The song never goes above a mellow conversation tone in the singing, and the music is trying so hard to overcompensate at points, and it just doesn't work, culminating in a totally out-of-place guitar solo that feels perfunctory at best. It's a garbage song listened to by a public with no discerning taste. There was way better music in 1989 than this. And we'll get to it, too.

 

 

 

[CyanideFishbone]

Hilarious fact about Milli Vanilli and all the buzz around them in the late 80's-early 90's is there was a Super Mario Bros Super Show episode where the main characters went to a Milli Vanilli concert and the episode featured their songs (I don't know all of the songs they used but I know they played Blame It On The Rain). Anyway, the show used a lot of copyrighted songs and in subsequent DVD releases and reruns, a lot of these songs had to be removed from those episodes because of copyright stuff so in that episode basically all mentions of Milli Vanilli were removed, even their song titles had to be removed and cut out of the episode, and for the scenes with their music playing they edited it and replaced it with stock music. It's pretty goddamn funny.

 

RebelTaxi has a great bit about it (from 3:53-6:10):

 

 

Edited March 26, 2019 by CyanideFishbone

[dmandagiraffe]

4 hours ago, CyanideFishbone said:

Hilarious fact about Milli Vanilli and all the buzz around them in the late 80's-early 90's is there was a Super Mario Bros Super Show episode where the main characters went to a Milli Vanilli concert and the episode featured their songs (I don't know all of the songs they used but I know they played Blame It On The Rain).

Blame it on the rain?

Haha, blame it on King Koopa!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Wumbo]

All right, let's just do it. I've put this off long enough, and if you've seen the leaked list you should know what's coming anyway. So really, what's the sense in any sort of pre-amble- I'm going on too long already, aren't I? Whatever! Okay! It's...

Wumbo's Top 10 Hits of 1989

Spoiler

 

 

Guns N' Roses, man! I don't care what any of y'all have to say, this band fuckin' rules. They were one of the only bands who crossed over to the mainstream in the late 80s with any sort of edge to their rock. By 1989, rock nearly exclusively belonged to gaudy hair metal ballads with all the punch of a feather touch. Guns n' Roses by sheer comparison alone were rock gods, and if their output in 1989 was any indication, they deserved to be known as such.

10. "Paradise City" - Guns N' Roses

 

Eh, may as well knock 'em both out at once.

9. "Welcome to the Jungle" - Guns N' Roses

 

Guns N' Roses had two big hits off of their debut Appetite for Destruction this year, and they both end up making the list. I like "Welcome to the Jungle" slightly better for its raucous, nihilistic hedonism, bringing the band into some truly dark territory, but "Paradise City" also works extremely well as a bonafide rock anthem, with the two-minute sped-up outro really hammering it home. It's the kind of song that was made to be played as an encore.

Both songs are truly awesome from a truly awesome band. I'll grant you that Guns N' Roses didn't exactly have stellar competition when it came to the rock scene in '89, but even if they did, I'd have a hard time not sticking my neck out for these songs. Both rock classics in their own right, and both definitely deserve spots on this list.

 

 

Spoiler

 

 

Jesus, this fucking... if I ever, at some point, said anything positive about Milli Vanilli, I take it all back, okay? All of it. This musical abomination needs to be forgotten and left to rot. Thankfully, having covered both 1989 and 1990 at this point, I think we can officially do that in terms of these countdowns. Milli Vanilli shall be brought up no more.

So why am I doing it right now, then? Well, in addition to stinking up the radio with entirely too many undeserved hits, Milli Vanilli won themselves a Grammy in 1990 for Best New Artist, which should have ended the Grammys right then and there, if we're being honest with ourselves. But they got it revoked and the Grammy went to no one. A shame in its own right, because I think that Grammy could have gone to someone much more deserving.

8. "Buffalo Stance" - Neneh Cherry

 

I'll admit when I first heard this song, I wasn't sure what to make of it at all. You all know I love me my weird esoteric songs, but this one seemed a bit too out of left field. At the same time, it seemed to rely on a lot of late 80s tropes without it all really coming together. So, why did it make the list?

Well... that hook is killer. I can't deny the power of a great hook. And in the 80s, you could always count on the best hooks to be incredibly catchy and memorable. And as I've said before, even if a song doesn't totally come together, one or two truly great elements can elevate a song to greatness for me all the same. So maybe it's not really the award-winning type of song. But in comparison with Milli Vanilli? Hell yeah, "Buffalo Stance" all the way. No moneyman... can win my lo-oove...

 

 

Spoiler

 

I may owe an apology to one Paula Abdul. Because this song... yeah, it's legitimately great.

7. "Forever Your Girl" - Paula Abdul

 

I think there's something about Madonna that blinds me to the success and talent of other 80s female pop starlets. And that's not fair, and I should be better than that. Unfortunately, I will never grow, nor will I ever change. That's a promise. But I was able to set my blinders aside for a while to appreciate this song, at least.

I guess I've never been enamored with Paula Abdul's reedy voice paired with a kind of cheap-sounding production, but this one has enough pop sensibilities and groove that it works for me. There's a strong, meaningful message to be devoted to someone forever, and it's hard to ignore that, even if it's from an artist I don't otherwise like. And among all the boring pop ballads of this year, at least this is a pop song that stands out for being fun and happy. The background vocals pull their weight decently, too. Can't complain at all. Good song.

 

Spoiler

 

Even though I tend to put the soft rock ballads on my worst lists, I always maintain that there's a way to do them right. Example:

6. "Toy Soldiers" - Martika

 

I have to imagine that a good part of why certain soft rock ballads work is that the singer just has a dynamite voice. Enter Martika, who delivers one of the most powerful choruses of the year. She is just belting here, and when you dig into the content and background of this song, it's easy to see why.

This song was written about a friend battling a cocaine addiction, which is pretty heavy territory for the glamorous and gaudy late 1980s. But somehow, Martika turns this into a hit with genuine talent and bombast behind this song. I mean, just listen to her. I have to imagine we could have used a few more songs like this to offset the cheesy nonsense that clogged up most of the year. And this song is so close to being in that territory, but it's saved by some pretty awesome guitar and a stellar performance. Winds up being a pretty damn great song.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Of course, if we really want to talk about a dominating voice and presence in pop music in 1989, we have to go to Madonna at some point.

5. "Like a Prayer" - Madonna

 

Man... is there a better song in Madonna's catalog? I don't really think so! This is Madonna at her most provocative, showy, and... funky? Yeah, I think that's about right. That groove on the chorus really does a lot for the song.

Of course, if we're going to talk about the provocation of this song, we have to talk about the video as well. Hoo boy, this one's a doozy. Truly one of the most controversial projects of Madonna's career, and this is the same woman who basically masturbated on stage. Quite an accomplishment, I'd say.

But yeah, it's not hard to see the accusations of blasphemy have merit when watching the video. you have the burning crosses, the sexual tension... this ain't coming out of nowhere. But for my money, I think this video is pretty awesome. Of course, I am not what you'd call religious, so I don't have a horse in that race. But it's hard to deny Madonna at her most provocative and edgy while still being able to churn out radio-friendly pop songs like this one. It's a fine line Madonna walks so as not to be completely shunned by society, and she walks it finely indeed. Fantastic song, truly a highlight of Madonna's career.

 

 

Spoiler

 

In terms of sheer writing, this has to be one of the most disposable, worthless pop songs I've ever put on a list like this. There's nothing here. And yet... it's got the sound.

4. "The Look" - Roxette

 

It was the late 1980s. If you were gonna get away with saying basically nothing in your songs against a fantastic groove, you may as well have done it here. And that's not my editorial. That's straight up what Roxette says about this song. The words are basically filler. He goes "la la la la la", for Christ's sake. And yet... on all other measures, this is a pop masterpiece.

My God. There's a reason that, despite having nothing to say, this song has stuck around in the public consciousness. It's one of those relentless earworms of the 80s, for sure. What can I even say? Everything about this song was programmed to be catchy. Right down to that slick guitar lick and the cadence of the two singers' vocals. Though, yeah, the female singer is definitely the better of the two. But still! Everything about this song, barring the useless lyrics, completely works and kinda mesmerizes me with how perfect it is. And really, isn't that what we all want in our pop songs?

 

 

Spoiler

 

God, I sure do LOVE this SONG...

3. "Lovesong" - The Cure

 

Yeah, bad transition for a great song. What can I say? I'm a master of my craft.

No, but I truly do think this song is something special. It's one of the best, most moody love songs I've ever heard. Fitting for it to come from The Cure, a consistently moody band. The Cure have been one of the really lucky alt rock groups of the 80s that actually managed to maintain some mainstream success. Like, not just "people have heard of them", but they have hits. Big hits. This one hit number two, kept off the top by Janet Jackson, and, well, anything with the name "Jackson" in the 80s was going to dominate. More on that later.

I really can't praise this song enough. It's bonafide perfect. You ask me what some of the top love songs are, and this would be pretty high on the list. It's an unbelievably, sickeningly sweet song set to some of the most hauntingly beautiful music to ever grace the Hot 100. It's also probably my favourite song by The Cure. Pop music can win out sometimes!

Honestly, I think it's good for a band like The Cure to make a straightforward love song in their style. They're able to drop any lyrical pretense while still maintaining all the emotion of their other work. It comes together beautifully, and it's truly a bright spot in the songs of this year.

 

 

Spoiler

 

If you want to get on my good side, a good way to do that is to do new jack swing music!

2. "My Prerogative" - Bobby Brown

 

Ohh, yeah. One of the big ones today. It's hard to deny the influence of Bobby Brown's attitude on  R&B in the late 80s and soon after, the early 90ds.This is truly one of the new jack swing greats. It's so aggressive and in-your-face, so unapologetic. I love every second of it.

If the late 80s had to have a sound and not have it suck, then new jack swing was definitely the way to go. It was funky, full of fun, and unabashedly hard-hitting. And Bobby Brown truly does his best to do the genre justice, though the slamming production definitely helps as well. Such a fantastic song that only one other song in '89 could top it.

 

 

Spoiler

 

Well, you all know what it is by now. So... let's talk about Michael Jackson?

1. "Smooth Criminal" - Michael Jackson

 

Okay.

So when the Leaving Neverland documentary was released and I knew what was going to top my list for this year, I knew that the conversation was not exactly going to be a fun one. That's part of, but not entirely, the reason I was so hesitant to continue this project in my usual manner. It's just so difficult to look up to celebrity culture these days, and very difficult to have nuanced conversations about the art and the artist. Hell, what can I say? I gave Axl Rose a pass in the earlier part of my list, and by all accounts he's a shitty dude. Should I give Michael a pass in my review too? Where is the line to be drawn? Should we, and if so, how do we "separate art from the artist"?

I don't know. I'm basically throwing my hands up as a response to this question. It's a tough question that seems to be reviewed on a case-by-case basis, and honestly? That seems like the most logical and level-headed response, as sad as it seems. If we were to indict everyone in the music industry accused of heinous things, the music industry would be barren indeed. Maybe that's the best approach from a moral standpoint, scorch the earth and start anew. If the music industry allows for such heinous things to happen, then maybe the industry is in need of a serious shake-up.  But again, a line needs to be drawn somewhere. And where that line gets drawn still depends on an individual person's moralistic views. Truth is, there's a level of debauchery and grit that we laud in our rock and pop stars, and to take that away may be a better societal choice, but let's be real, it makes the whole conversation a lot less interesting.

On the other hand, if we are to separate art from the artist completely and let the music speak for itself, that also seems like an overly generalizing path to take, and one which knows no moral standards and lets artists get away with murder. It's what makes the cases of artists like Michael Jackson so difficult to review. Musically, the man was a legend. As a person, it's becoming more and more apparent that he was completely repugnant, or at the very least seriously disturbed. How do you evaluate that? How do I go on talking about how awesome of a song "Smooth Criminal" is, and how legendary the music video is to boot, while ignoring the elephant in the room?

Again, I'm not sure. But it's a conversation that's worth having when dealing with this sort of thing. Michael Jackson, to say the very least, leaves a complicated legacy in his death. One which teems full of musically legendary moments and awful sex abuse scandals. How do I evaluate that? "Smooth Criminal" is a dynamite song, probably one of the best, if not the best, Jackson has ever made. Its effortless groove and funk is a staple of late 80s pop that most artists didn't even dare to measure up to. Perhaps the late 80s as a whole feels a little lukewarm on me because Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal" basically dominates the conversation. It's a killer track. But talking about Michael Jackson in this day and age should come with its own disclaimer. Maybe I should put Whoopi Goldberg at the front of all my lists from now on, Looney Tunes-style. I'll probably never get it perfect, because I don't think we as a society have decided on what's perfect yet. But I feel like the responsible thing to do is to have those hard conversations and keep them going. This entry went on for a long time and barely talked about the song, but well, if you think I'm going in too hard on an artist or letting them off too easy, just know that I'm trying my best here. That's all I would really expect of anybody, and to take responsibility for their words and actions. If you made it to the end, thanks for reading. I hope this kind of sums up the internal battle in my brain when writing these reviews, and I hope to finish this project with the awareness that words do matter, and they should be chosen carefully.

My heart cries out for those who have been abused at the hands of Michael Jackson, and I hope that through whatever methods, they're able to find some modicum of peace in their lives. I hope we can all move forward as a culture to prevent these things happening before they do, to create a safer world for everyone. Wumbo out.

 

 

[Steel Sponge]

On 3/26/2019 at 11:57 AM, CyanideFishbone said:

Hilarious fact about Milli Vanilli and all the buzz around them in the late 80's-early 90's is there was a Super Mario Bros Super Show episode where the main characters went to a Milli Vanilli concert and the episode featured their songs (I don't know all of the songs they used but I know they played Blame It On The Rain). Anyway, the show used a lot of copyrighted songs and in subsequent DVD releases and reruns, a lot of these songs had to be removed from those episodes because of copyright stuff so in that episode basically all mentions of Milli Vanilli were removed, even their song titles had to be removed and cut out of the episode, and for the scenes with their music playing they edited it and replaced it with stock music. It's pretty goddamn funny.

In addition to that, the stock music that DiC replaced most of the songs from the SMB3 cartoon with is actually great, especially the vocal mix:

 

As for your write-ups, Wumbo, they are great as always.

I'm also going to give you credit for the long piece you wrote about the whole argument towards separating art from the artist. It's really on-point as I get that the idea of such is difficult to come to terms with because of the balance between appreciation towards an artist's expressiveness and moral standards.

There's one good example I can name where the idea is suggested. Pixar is one of my favorite film-making studios (and most likely of all-time), and it was formerly co-headed by someone who turned out to be, in simplest terms, a creep. On top of that, that person in particular, John Lasseter, was a major contributor to the rest of Disney's animated filmography before his leave (well...outside of continuing work as a consultant). While I can't ever see myself writing him out, I don't put moral standards out of the equation either when it comes to me appreciating any piece of work that Lasseter was involved in. In my mindset, when I see myself appreciating a work of art that's accomplished by more than just one person, I liken them as a group effort than the work of one genius. Considering that the sum would make up mostly of more tolerable folk and that there are few people like Lasseter in the same sum, the latter is overtaken by that equation by that method, giving me the kind of conformity that I would have and need to continue enjoying anything by Pixar or other Disney film studios. It's a complex kind of method I go by, but as I should say, I always focus on moral standards as equally as the quality of a particular piece of media through that method.

When it comes to the topic of artists by themselves, however, that is harder to justify. As you said though, it's already good advice to enjoy, talk of, or justify something responsibly, so that's the least that I could say on the matter.

[Wumbo]

So with all that said, we move on to another year that (hopefully) I'll be putting out by the end of this month. No promises, though/. What could it be? How about...

2006

Let's see how the hits of 13 years ago hold up today!

[4EverGreen]

If I remember correctly, Nickleback had a few big hits this year. Which, depending on your point of view, will make this year either REALLY fun, or REALLY grueling!  I hope it will be fun, though. Enough said, true believer!

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Overall, good list; it's introduced me to artists I've either never heard of or vaguely heard of (specifically Neneh and Martika for the former and Bobby Brown for the latter). And while I do advocate separating art from the artist and giving nuanced, non-biased opinions when it comes to music, I think you bring up an excellent point in asking where we draw the line and letting people getting away with murder.

[President Squidward]

Omg I remember saying how amazing 2006 was for the charts...

...and recently when looking at all the top songs that year with friends, damn, do I take that back a bit. Though the songs that hit really hit so still not too bad of a year on the charts 

[Wumbo]

So... with this list, we've run into a bit of a problem that we've seen before. You'll recall 1997 and all of its 1996 and 1998 backwash? Well, it's the same thing here. Now, it's not as egregious, and I've got plenty of new content to keep you on your toes, but still, expect some repeats, is all I'm sayin'. With that said, 2006! Does it hold its own?

 

This is certainly a year that cements itself in pop history. It's hard to look at this year and confuse it with any other year before or after it, even despite all the backwash. 2006 was this odd blend of crunk, adult contemporary, and Sean Paul that really makes it distinctive. Unfortunately, a lot of it also kinda sucked.

Look, I'm sorry guys. I tried. And it's not like this year was all bad, but the bad stuff is especially egregious this time around, in my books. This was the year where a low-effort, bare-minimum song could skate by on the Hot 100 no problem. And we'll be looking at a lot of them today. So join me, won't you? Let's take a look at...

Wumbo's Bottom 10 Hits of 2006

Spoiler

 

 

I'm pretty sure that for a few years in the mid-2000s, most mainstream hip hop was used as ringtones. Mindless, catchy hooks, with nothing of substance. Even so, I have to imagine that we could have tried harder than this.

10. "Lean wit It, Rock wit It" - Dem Franchize Boyz

 

You know, if you're going to make the barest of bare-bones hip hop songs, you can at least deign to make it short. If your song is meant to sell ringtones, then why does it need to be over 4 minutes long? Is this specifically for those people that take a while to answer their phones? I imagine it sure could clear a stadium.

2006 was where southern hip hop was at its dumbest and most meaningless. This is the sort of music that birthed Soulja Boy. (I'm not interested in any Soulja Boy discourse, he sucked, end of story.) There's this tone to all their voices and cadence that makes me think that this music sounds like if Ludacris was lobotomized. I mean, hell, at least Ludacris could pull out some great punchlines. This is just noise. Meaningless noise. At least the rap of today dares to have some kind of edge to it, even if it is populated by genuinely terrible people. Hell, Juice WRLD did these lyrics one better.

 

Bested by Juice WRLD. Do I really have to say any more after that?

 

 

Spoiler

 

9. "Ms. New Booty" - Bubba Sparxxx ft. Ying Yang Twins

 

C'mon.

 

Spoiler

 

 

2005 was Rihanna's breakthrough year as a pop artist, but 2006 proved that she was sticking around. She would go on to have even greater years as the decade went on, but this is definitely the year that cemented Rihanna as a pop star. It's a shame that she wasn't releasing her A-material at the time.

8. "Unfaithful" - Rihanna

 

What this song should really be called is "Unbearable", because that's what it is. We're so lucky that this didn't tank Rihanna's career before it really took off, because wow does this suck. I can't even begin to run with the conceit of this song. We're hearing about a cheating scandal coming from the one doing the cheating? And... what? Are we supposed to feel sorry for Rihanna? You don't want to do this anymore? Then break up with him! What the hell? Why was this worth writing a song about?

The only saving grace of this song is Rihanna herself, who delivers an appropriately melodramatic performance for these over-the-top lyrics. I mean, yeah, cheating is a shitty thing to do. But seriously, "I don't wanna be a murderer" is just about the biggest brick to a face of a lyric you can have. You may as well laugh an evil laugh and call it a night. Thankfully, Rihanna would go on to make much better songs, but this has to be one of my least favourites from her, ever. It's just a wretched song, one that I can't imagine any use for.

 

Spoiler

 

Here's a fun riddle for you all: what do you get when you take the least interesting boy band of the 90s and give one of them a solo career? Okay, it's not really a riddle. And it's not fun, either.

7. "What's Left of Me" - Nick Lachey

 

By 2006, Jessica Simpson had certainly made a name for herself as a vapid celebrity. But she could have married someone else other than a damn 98 Degrees singer, sparing us all from his solo career and his only hit, "What's Left of Me". This is clearly an attempt to do what the Backstreet Boys did in 2005 with "Incomplete". The difference between that and this is that the Backstreet Boys actually had personality. Say what you will about them and that song, I still remember it years later. I couldn't tell you a thing about this song after I've finished it. And it's about his real-life breakup with Jessica Simpson! You'd think he'd be able to sell it a little better than he is. But that's what happens when you're stuck with mediocrity your whole career. It's hard to step out of it.

So, is this chicken or is this fish? Well, it stinks like fish, and thirteen years later, Nick Lachey looks like a real cluck. Next!

 

Spoiler

 

What? You think I would pass up an opportunity to lambast Chris Brown?

6. "Run It!" - Chris Brown ft. Juelz Santana

 

Once again, let me say that Chris Brown was a talentless little turd from his conception. Fuck this guy. But also, fuck Juelz Santana, whose contributions to this song have only gotten worse with time. He interpolates the classic Waitresses song "I Know What Boys Like" and nearly brings down the entire 1980s with it. But he manages to also nick from every other rap song that exists. There isn't an original bar in his verse, and even teenage Chris Brown in all his preening annoyance runs circles around him. Anyway, I talked about this song enough last time when it was on my 2005 list. It hasn't gotten better. Chris Brown sounds like a twerp, Juelz Santana doesn't try, it's a massive waste. And Chris Brown is apparently still terrible in 2019. WHO THE FUCK LIKES THIS GUY AGAIN?

 

 

Spoiler

 

5. "Life is a Highway" - Rascal Flatts

 

I think you all need to know that I fucking hate Rascal Flatts. They are an atrocity of a band. It's like if Kidz Bop was made for 40-year-olds.

So, the original version of this song was by Canadian singer Tom Cochrane. And while that version never really blew me away either, it worked perfectly fine as a family-friendly rock tune. Tom Cochrane still has a bite to his voice to make it work. Gary LeVox sounds like the processed meat version of a singer. Listening to Rascal Flatts is like eating bad lunch meat. It's advertised as music... but you know you aren't getting the real deal, and something is terribly wrong. But it's not just Gary's singing. That awful, awful guitar loop sounds like cancer to my ears. It's so annoyingly bright and chipper, it's like I'm being punched in the face. And then the guy has the audacity to try and add solos to the song, as though he's this masterclass guitar player. Buddy, you're in Rascal Flatts. Tone it down.

This is one of the worst country pop rock mish-mashes I've ever heard. It's sterile and soulless, made to appeal to the lowest common denominator, and featured on the fucking Cars soundtrack. That's just about right, though, isn't it? Fuck this song. Ka-chow.

 

 

Spoiler

 

4. "Photograph" - Nickelback

 

You know, the last time I talked about this song, I mostly focused on its lyrics, which are inane bits of nostalgia that go nowhere and amount to nothing, but let's just call it like it is: this song sounds fucking awful. I would be totally unsurprised if Nickelback had killed rock from here on out. The fact that we even get one or two rock songs on the charts these days is a miracle after this one stunk up the radio two years in a row. Chad Kroeger is at his Kroegiest, sounding like a buzz saw. And the production is this watered-down pop rock shit that doesn't fit Nickelback's sound at all. If you're gonna have Chad Kroeger as your lead singer, you gotta go full ugly with your instruments. At least then you have tonal resonance. But no, we have Chad Kroeger belching every tepid line of this song over the most basic, watered-down melody ever. Singing about Joey's head and singing to the radio. They were probably singing along to their own song at some point.

Look, I really don't think Nickelback are the worst thing ever. Trust me, we'll get to that. But it's hard to defend them after a song like this. This has to be one of the worst songs they've ever recorded. It is lifeless, gutless and excruciating. And every time I listen to this song, it makes me cry.

 

Spoiler

 

There's a lot of ringtone rap in the mid-2000s. Like, a lot a lot. And I'd honestly diagnose most of it as being passable-to-mediocre. But every so often, you get this one song that is so devoid of any creativity, wit, or substance... it winds up making a worst list.

3. "Do It to It" - Cherish ft. Sean P

 

So, like, how do you start off your song with absolutely nothing to say? How about the same way every damn rap video started since 2002? "NO PARTIES, NO BOYS..." and no amount of creativity. For god's sake, this song steals from songs on this list. Did you really take inspiration from Dem Franchize Boyz, of all things? That really just says more than I ever could about this song.

The song is nonsense otherwise of course. Do what to what? No idea. When they have to come up with ideas on their own, they don't really have anything beyond two-letter words. This isn't even worth writing about. It's barely a song. It's the "Watch Me Whip/Nae Nae" of 2006. And at least Silento, for all his many, many faults, had a personality. There's nothing distinct about Cherish or Sean P, who is not the far more successful and iconic Sean Paul, but rather from another no-name hip hop group called YoungBloodZ. And the video ends just the way it started. Seriously? It's just the same thing over again! "This is what I said at the start of the video!" the father says. They couldn't even write a proper ending to their own rip-off video. What a waste of time. This is one song I won't be cherishing.

 

Spoiler

 

Yeah. We're doing this again.

2. "Lips of an Angel" - Hinder

Hey, remember when I said there were worse things than Nickelback and we'll get to 'em? Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit A! Even Nickelback, at their absolute ugliest, would never dare make a song this sleazy.

 

Okay, maybe they would. But here's the thing: Hinder's piece of trash is apparently supposed to be romantic and sad? We're not to think of the singer as the ultimate douchebag? No, I'm sorry. This is scumbag behaviour through and through, and Austin Winkler (*snicker*) deserves to have his ass handed to him by his current girl.

Who is this song for, exactly? Under what circumstances would anyone listen to this? At least Rihanna can actually sing. With this, you must be seeking it out for the message alone, because Austin Winkler has a voice so punchable you'd think someone extracted all the Kroeginess from Chad Kroeger and turned it up to eleven. So, why? You can't slow dance to this, unless you're specifically dancing with your ex and want to get back together with her. I'm sorry, if you listen to this song, I have to think you're at least a little bit of a douchebag. You gotta choose your media more wisely in this day and age. And today, I think we're all the wiser for not allowing Hinder to pollute our airwaves any longer. God, what an absolute slog of a band. What a trash-tastic song. Still one worse though!

 

 

Spoiler

 

1. "You and Me" - Lifehouse

 

I just... man, am I sick of this song. 2006 had a lot of backwash from 2005, but this is by far the most inexcusable of them all. Who was listening to this in 2006? And how do we find them and re-educate them on responsible music consumption?

This song is... this song is... nothing. There is absolutely nothing I can say. This song sucks the joy and life out of a room. I can't imagine why this would be popular in one year, let alone two.

For those of you who don't know, I'm planning on making a worst hit songs of all time list after I'm done with these, and this stands a high chance of being near the top. It's the only song so far, and probably ever, to be the worst song of the year in multiple years. And I'd call that impressive, except nothing about this song is impressive. It's milquetoast and boring, and only serves as the whitest of radio filler. End this.

 

 

[Sweat]

58 minutes ago, Wumbo said:

Fuck this song. Ka-chow.

I hope this is the quote they etch onto your gravestone.

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

1 hour ago, Wumbo said:

Fuck this song. Ka-chow.

OK, I can definitely see where you come from on this one, Wumbo. But due to nostalgia, I'll have to politely disagree with you on this; I like Tom's original just fine (chorus aside), and in terms of the verses, his version is superior due to the bite he brings to them. But because I grew up with Cars, I like this version sliiiightly better.

[Steel Sponge]

While I mostly agreed with your picks (save for the "Life is a Highway" cover), I'm not sure how to feel about your #100. It's not because it's the same from your 2005 lists, it's generally because I find "You and Me" being slightly decent and I can't imagine it being worse than even Hinder's biggest hit.

[dmandagiraffe]

Spoiler

 

 

[4EverGreen]

Unpopular opinion time: I like the song "Photograph" by Nickleback un-ironically. And also, I don't understand how Chris Brown EVER became a thing!  At least Rascal Flatts' popularity is KIND of understandable!  But otherwise, I don't really remember the worst list, so, I'll consider that a GOOD thing, as far as things are concerned!  Enough said! 

[Wumbo]

22 hours ago, Steel Sponge said:

While I mostly agreed with your picks (save for the "Life is a Highway" cover), I'm not sure how to feel about your #100. It's not because it's the same from your 2005 lists, it's generally because I find "You and Me" being slightly decent and I can't imagine it being worse than even Hinder's biggest hit.

When it comes to "You and Me", I'm very much leaning into Todd's motto of "bad is the absence of good". Hinder's song makes me angry, sure. But at least it makes me feel something. Like Todd, though, I go back and forth on this philosophy. The obvious, well-deserved "winner" has made it to the top before, and I totally get it if you're a bit befuddled by this choice. I did actually struggle with it for a bit, but ultimately what won out was that at least Austin Winkler bothers to emote. I can't deal with mushy-mouthed sweet nothings coming out of a guy who sounds like he just woke up.