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The Naughty Nautical Adventures of Patrick Star


Master Cheeks

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Episode 1: Patrick tries to get a new Fishbox

 

It was an early morning in Bikini Bottom. It was 7:45 AM and Patrick Star was trying to sleep still. He'd spent a long time the night before playing on Fishbox Live. It was fun until he kept getting beaten by the Nematodes on Call of Fish. "Loser, loser, loser!" was still ringing in his ear from that night and the last thing he could remember was throwing his controller somewhere.

 

Figuring he couldn't sleep much longer, he got up to look for his controller. He realized he had thrown it right into the fishbox, completely decimating it. "Ah shit. Now what am I going to do late at night?" Patrick mused. "Oh, I could just go get another!" He realized.

 

He then walked to the Barg N Mart to buy another Fishbox. He found it and went up to pay for it at the counter with a clerk. "That'll be five hundred clams please." Patrick then handed him five clams. "Sir, this isn't enough." "But you said five-" "Hundred." Patrick left the store angry. He still had three days left on his live membership, so he needed a Fishbox to play it with.

 

That night Patrick went to the Barg N Mart dressed in his Goofy Goober costume after the store closed. He planned to steal a Fishbox from the store. He snuck in through a window and found the last Fishbox in the store. He was about to walk away when the same clerk from earlier that day saw him. "Hey, your that-!" Patrick hit over the head with the Fishbox to silence him. Unfortunately, he also broke the Fishbox from the impact. "What the fuck am I going to do for entertainment now?" He then saw a magazine on the rack called Playfish. He grinned happily at it and left through the window as he came.

 

The next morning, the dead clerk's body was found and the security camera footage showed the murder. The public was soon informed about the "Goofy Goober Murderer."

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Episode 2: Patrick attempts to get his Boating License

 

It was 5 AM when Patrick Star finally returned home from his heist at the Barg N Mart. It had taken him over 3 hours to travel back on foot and it was really coming back to haunt him. "I need a new way of transportation." Patrick thought to himself. "This pain is just too much for me to handle." Patrick began looking in the phone book for a nearby boating school, when he remembered one of his since gone neighbors had given him a coupon for the boating school he'd attended. Patrick had kept this safe for several years as a memory alone, but he figured his friend would approve of it's use. So, with nothing but this coupon and his spirit on hand, he walked all the way to Mrs. Puff's Boating School.

 

It was now 12 noon and Patrick had finally made it to Mrs. Puff's Boating School. He entered inside and found a woman at the front desk. "Are you Mrs. Puff?" Patrick asked her. "Yes, I am." she replied. "I'd like to get my license." Patrick said. "I'm sorry, but I don-" she began before being interrupted by Patrick. "I have a coupon." he said. "Oh, your his friend." she replied, visibly shaken. "Ok, I'll make an exception for you. Come around back with me" So, Patrick followed her around back and got into the testing boatmobile. Patrick was all ready to drive when...

 

Suddenly the engine went into full blast and the car thrusted forward at all it's might and became uncontrollable! Patrick tried to turn off the engine, but instead started fishdora radio. It then began playing Phil Gollin's hit song "You'll be in my Gills." It's quiet melody soon rocked Patrick into dreamland. When he came to, he and Mrs. Puff were completely wrecked. "Can I have my license now?" Patrick asked. "There is no way in Hell I'd do that!" She fired back. "Look lady, this is your fault, not mine! The reason this happened was because you haven't use this car since-!" Patrick began yelling before Mrs. Puff began sobbing uncontrollably. "I'm so fucking sorry! Your right, it's all my fault!" She threw him a license and keys to a boat before running into the building.

 

Patrick then began to drive home in his new boatmobile. "I think I'll listen to some news in my brand new boat." Patrick said as he turned on the radio. "BIKINI BOTTOM POLICE ARE STILL ON THE HUNT FOR THE GOOFY GOOBER MURDERER, RESPONSIBLE FOR A HEINOUS MURDER!" the announcer loudly reported. "I hope they catch the bastard." Patrick thought to himself. "IN OTHER NEWS A LOCAL TEACHER JUST SH-!" Patrick suddenly turned it off in a rush.

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Hey, it only took two years to write a third episode. I'm sure you guys didn't forget that this show existed, since I sure didn't  :l  Anyhow enjoy the rebirth of this irreverence.

 

Episode 3: Patrick Tries to make Dinner

 

A few days later, Patrick woke up on the sand bed in his rock after sleeping through a few days. He looked at the calendar to realize that he had no idea which day it was. Disappointed with his lack of organizational skills, Patrick decided to address a much more serious issue, one that had it's roots in those issues from a few days earlier, that would take great action to solve.

 

"Damn, I'm hungry." He said aloud to himself. Rather then turn things into a self introspective soliloquy though, he decided to make something in the pantry. Opening it up, he found three things of a particular variety:

 

- A bag of sand that he'd gotten from the sand bar at Goo Lagoon. The expiration date said two years late, but Patrick would eat anything that came his way if he could.

 

- A box of trail mix cake mix, which made Patrick want to throw up except for the fact that when you haven't eaten in days you don't have much to throw up.

 

-Some seaweed, which Patrick so dearly wanted to smoke but knew it was dangerous to smoke on an empty stomach.

 

Pulling the bag of sand out first, Patrick then revved up the fryers to max power!... However it instantly died out as fire doesn't work under the sea. 

 

"Well damn Gary's poop!" Patrick cursed quietly. Disappointed with the laws of physics and water's effects, Patrick tried to stick it in the microwave instead. It did work, however he saw that upon taking it out, that the sand had simply evaporated in the microwave, leaving him with only the bag.

 

However this was the intended effect in Patrick's mind as he stuffed the overheated bag into his mouth. He swallowed it whole. Satisfied, but full.

 

"Appetizer, now entree time." Pulling out the cake mix now, he looked at the instructions which said clearly WHATEVER YOU DO IN YOUR LIFE, DON'T STICK THIS IN YOUR MICROWAVE! YOU'LL BE SORRY!

 

So Patrick stuck it into the microwave. Upon opening the cake mix bag, he saw that the mix had melted into an ugly mix of trail mix pieces and cake batter globbed together so tightly, that it literally gained sentience and began yelling at Patrick.

 

"Free me! Destroy humans! KILL!!!" Patrick looked at it unamused. "Eww, this looks ungood. Too rare." He said with an uaffected tone.

 

Patrick then opened his rock to throw the bag containing it into the window of his neighbor Squidward Tentacles. He heard yells and screams in response, but his rock had closed tight enough to make them inaudible. He then went to his cabinet again and pulled out his seaweed and bong and began a journey.

 

The Next Morning...

 

Patrick woke up to hear his phone ring. "When the Hell did I get a phone?" Answering it, "Hello?" still sounding stoned out of his mind.

 

"Patrick, where the wishbone have you been!" the man on the other line said. "You haven't been to work in 13 days!"

 

"I have a job?" came the stoned response. The phone hung up. So Patrick went back to sleep.

 

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Episode 4: The Big Pink Machine

 

A few hours after his phone call, Patrick attempted to go to his job at Fish Shack. When he attempted to clock in, the computer automated system rejected his card, reading "TERMINATED!" back to Patrick. Patrick, having never passed high School, didn't have a clue what this word meant. So he went into the back room, where he saw the manager of the store, who was his boss. He was staring at a picture that Patrick quite see. So Patrick took it out of his hands. It was a picture of a mountainside range.

 

"Why do you have of picture of rocks and grass?" Patrick asked. The man took the picture back out his hands. "Patrick what the Hell? You're fired remember?"

 

"When did I get fired?" Patrick asked. "I'm here for my shift." The man stared back blankly. "Patrick, you haven't been to work in 13 days! You got automatically fired!"

 

"Well I mean no one actually comes to this place, because-" Patrick said before being interrupted.

 

"Because of douchebag crackheads like you!" He fired back. "I'd say good luck in the future, but I know you'll just waste it on seaweed you loser!"

 

Patrick looked back at him solemnly. "Well... I'd say good luck with your vasectomy, but fuck you!" He then ran out of the store. The manager then sat down at his desk and burst into tears.

 

"He-He just had to bring that one up didn't he!?"

-----------------------

An Hour Later...

 

Patrick then walked down the street to his old hangout place the Krusty Krab. He figured he could at least talk to Squidward or some other random customer there. Upon entering the restaurant though, he saw that the only people there were the owner, Eugene Krabs, and Old Man Jenkins who was struggling to sit at one of the seats at the rounded tables.

 

"Sonny, these seats are too slippery." the old man said gently. "Could you make it less so please?" 

 

"I'll do it when you are less old, old man!" Mr. Krabs yelled back. The man then silently went about flailing on and off his seat again. Mr. Krabs then turned to see Patrick in the doorway.

 

"Ah shit, not him again." he said as he went into his office to fetch his broom and shotgun. "I've already told ya, we don't serve food no more!"

 

"But I'm eating some now!" Yelled the old man. Mr. Krabs then threw the broom at Old Man Jenkins, which knocked him out of the restaurant through the window at full speed. Patrick briefly waved bye at him as Eugene chased him through the back of the restaurant with the gun.

 

Patrick then jumped into the trash bin, but the bags were not well placed  enough for him to hide behind, so he began eating through the trash bags. When Mr. Krabs found him, he was astounded to see that Patrick had eaten the entire garbage bin's worth of trash.

 

"Holy shit Patrick, that's a lot of trash. You ate that bitch like a machine." Mr. Krabs said in a tone of complete shock. He then calmed down to say "Hey Patrick, I got a job opening for ya!" A scared Patrick said "But weren't just trying to kill me?"

 

"Shut your barnacle ass lily mouth and listen to me proposition!" Mr. Krabs said forcefully. Patrick was silent. "For $2/hr I'll pay you to eat all the trash up and so I can stop paying the garbage people to come by!"

 

"Can I come to work high?" Patrick asked. "Sure, but I won't pay ya!" Mr. Krabs said. Patrick and Mr. Krabs then shook on it. "Say where's Squidward?" Patrick asked.

 

"He called in sick saying he's going to destroy humanity or something." Krabs said. "Oh typical old Squidward!" The two shared a hearty laugh together at Squidward's apparent expense.

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Episode 5: Clarinet Sounds

 

That night after Patrick returned home from not being shot by Eugene, he began working on the secrets of French Jellyfish, starting up the toaster. It was a recipe he invented and shared only with his tightest friends, of which he had none right now. The very first time had, in fact, been an accident. He had been with his old friend in Jellyfish fields, he could remember so clearly.

 

"Yo Pat, you got the breadsticks?" He asked Pat. Patrick looked down in shame as he realized he had brought only plain old white bread instead. "Oops..." He trailed off sadly. "For the love of Chum man! You always pull this barnacle baloney on me man!" the guy went on. "I mean-"

 

But before he could continue on, a jellyfish of abnormal size, more plump yet smaller in size then usual, appeared in front of Patrick. In the span of 13 seconds, it forcibly struck Patrick with four bolts of lightning before forcibly ejecting jelly through it's anus all over his body.

 

*BRRIROGDGKF* Came the sound of an instrument to knock Patrick out of his thoughts.

 

"Who the fuck interrupts my flashback?" he said aloud to no one.

 

"No

one

interrupts

my

F-L-A-S-H-B-A-C-K-S-!"

 

Patrick then opened his rock to hear soothing clarinet sounds, something almost reflecting a beautiful symphony, as opposed to the ballistic garbage that usually emanated from Squidward's abode. Patrick then walked his way into Squidward's house without so much as a knock. Walking up the stairs, the clarinet sounds grew louder, but also continued to increase in quality befuddling Patrick.  He then entered into the study room, or "art room" as Squidward had always referred to it. Squidward appeared to stand over his clarinet stand.

 

"Hey, your mouth is better then your ass at the clarinet." Patrick said. "Finally."

 

Squidward then turned around to reveal a freakish form to Patrick. Squidward no longer had mere tentacles, but three fully formed fingers with nails per tentacle, his eyes were deep black, with no pupils to occur for, making the stare he fired at Patrick even more menacing to most.

 

"Squid, I want whatever shit your one." Patrick said cluelessly. Squidward then opened his mouth to roar a growl and reveal a deep green tongue. "Fool! I am not Squidward, or even of the form of a Squid. Your friend is merely my host body!"

 

Patrick frowned. "I wouldn't call you my friend Squidward, although I am curious how high it takes you to become actually skilled." Squidward then fired Trail mix at Patrick, slobbering it all over him. "You! You're the creature who freed me from my Trail mix imprisonment!" he said. "For that I will explain my origins to you."

 

The trail mix monster then went into a long explanation in an unknown language to Patrick. Patrick spent this time inventing stories involving Squidward having vulgar sex with inanimate objects, mostly lamps. Lamps intrigued Patrick.

 

"So now, you understand my desire to destroy the beings up north to avenge my familial ancestral race!" He yelled. Patrick shook his head. "Just that lamps can leave burn marks in intimate places." Patrick said with a goofy smile.

 

The creature grabbed Patrick with his bright green tongue and tossed him around the room. "Fool! I..." Patrick couldn't the language of his name, so he refused to try. "I'm going to call you Squidilius cause you seem fancy." He then tossed Patrick out the same window he had thrown the trail mix through onto Patrick's rock!

 

" I will kill you last to show my gratitude!" Squidilius yelled. Patrick yelled back "Cool story bro!" As he waved. Patrick then fell asleep on top of his rock as he was too lazy to go inside.

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