Clappy vs Billboard Hot 100

[Wumbo]

crank dat soulja boy

[Joe Biden]

I mean, one good side of picking 2007 over 2009 is that you don't get to see Soulja Boy appear twice.

[President Squidward]

*opens up umbrella*

[Clappy]

The 2007 lists won’t be ready for another month or so.  But I’m not going to leave you guys high and dry without any content this summer.  Especially during our ten year anniversary month.  So with that in mind, it’s the summer time.  Which means it’s seasonal ranking time.  But I’m not doing this one alone.  In celebration of SBC’s tenth birthday, I’ve got a special guest doing this one with me.  Someone who also wanted to tackle this season’s Hot 100 with me.  Someone who’s idea this was.  Someone you’ll never see coming.

It’s Wumbo.

[Sweat]

gee i wonder who it could be, i hope it's not wumbo again

[Wumbo]

8 hours ago, Sweat said:

gee i wonder who it could be, i hope it's not wumbo again

same

[Katniss]

Clappy and Wumbo doing a collab?

can’t wait

[Clappy]

On 8/13/2019 at 11:32 AM, Sweat said:

gee i wonder who it could be, i hope it's not wumbo again

Its funny because Wumbo used to use this meme all the time.

[President Squidward]

On 8/14/2019 at 2:01 PM, Clapmaster said:

Its funny because Wumbo used to use this meme all the time.

[Clappy]

WARNING:  We are using the charts of the previous week.  Therefore, any commentary we have included was written before this week's chart was released.  So yeah, the major news of "Old Town Road" getting dethroned will not be mentioned in this post.  Congrats Billie btw.

 

Clappy: What to think of this year.  What to think.

That's what I've been asking myself for the last couple months now as 2019 is more than half way over.  I can think of a lot of things to call it.  Strange.  Interesting.  Unpredictable.  Boring.  Which all four of these are absolutely true.  If you are a chart watcher, you'll find a lot more intriguing discussion points about the hits of this year and who's behind them in comparison to last year, where we had too much Drake and multiple domestic abusers in the top ten and the pop of that year was virtually nonexistent.  2018 was a god awful year for reviewing the hits.  So yeah, I'll take 2019 in a heartbeat as we cleansed ourselves of most of that trash from the previous year.  

But if I had one major complaint for this year, it would be the boring aspect I brought up before.  There has been way too much stability.  Which yeah, if you look back at the first thirty pages of reviews in this thread, I talked about how there hasn't been much movement in the top ten in 2013-2015.  Jesus Christ, was I naive back then or what?   Because this is what true lack of chart movement really feels like.  If we ended up doing the week before the one we ended up choosing, I would have had to talk about FIVE hits from my last chart ranking FIVE months ago, instead of the two we are discussing today.  Hell, I'm glad Billboard added that 52 week recurrent rule now four years ago because god only knows how many more of these songs would be clogging up the upper half of the charts if that didn't happen.

I wish this top twenty was a little more exciting to talk about, but hey I'll take what I can get.  It's at least a step in the right direction from the utter garbage of last year.  Let's go.

Wumbo: As you may know, I did not have a fondness for the year in music that was 2018. Sure, we got some great stuff. But most of the scene on the pop charts just felt ugly and formless, and difficult to care about. When the biggest stories of the year involve the hottest rappers being a domestic abuser and a pedophile, it's hard to really step back and view the charts for what they are. I was not happy with the way the year turned out. I thought it could have been really good, but it turned out to be just the opposite.

This year, however, things appear to be taking a turn for the better. And no further evidence is needed than our Top 20 right now. When I did this last time with Clappy, I struggled to like even half of the songs on this list. This year, I can honestly say I only really dislike about five of these songs. That's pretty good! So are you ready for a lot of positivity?! Well, I'll try to make it exciting, anyway.

 

CLAPPY AND WUMBO RANK THE SUMMER 2019 BILLBOARD TOP 20

 

Spoiler

20. "I Don't Care" - Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber

 

Clappy - #20
Wumbo - #20

Clappy:  Why is this number twenty on my seasonal ranking list?  It’s the perfect song to exemplify the boring aspects of this year.  I’ve seen so many people call this song “a pop song of the moment”.  Well I guess we, as a collective society, are bored by what the music industry is offering us.  These are two of the biggest male pop stars right now shitting out this dull turd, yet somehow it is one of the biggest songs of the summer because of the names attached to it.  I really hate to spoil my year end list, but this is a sure fire lock to make it.  Hell, it could potentially be the worst hit song of the year.  It is that “of the moment”.

Wumbo: You know, if Ed Sheeran wants to stray away from his craft and release a full-fledged pop collaboration album, then I say go for it. Honestly, I think people were overreacting with the negative response to the album. I've heard the songs and... it's fine. Maybe it's because I've never put much stake in Ed Sheeran as an artist, but this project didn't bother me too much and I think quite a few of the songs actually work really well. "Beautiful People" is a fun song, "Blow" is a straight-up banger, and "Antisocial" is one of the oddest collaborations this year that strangely works.

THIS song, however, inexplicably the most successful of the bunch, is a straight-up turd. Of all the people Ed Sheeran collaborated with on his album, Justin Bieber is easily the least interesting. He is a completely personality-free singer and sucks the charisma out of any room he enters. You know, at least when he was a kid, he was charming to somebody. Who is really clamoring for Bieber to mumble his way through yet another verse he doesn't give a shit about? The song is completely, boring, lifeless, and amounts to nothing. This is not a lead-off single. This is something that should have been left off the album entirely. And yet... here it is, still in the Top 10. What a load of crap.

 

Spoiler

19. "Someone You Loved" - Lewis Capaldi

 

Clappy - #19
Wumbo - #19

Clappy: Oh ho ho ho, but boy does this come awfully close to being the worst song on this ranking list.  As you all know, one of the easiest ways for a song to piss me off is just be flat out boring and god is this song a slog and a half.  Thanks a lot Scotland for sending this Britain’s Got Talent reject stateside.

Honestly I haven’t hated an exported hit this badly since Passenger.  And by that I mean I hate the song and the artist equally.  Why does Lewis Capaldi sound like a constipated dying ostrich?  Why is he overselling heartbreak this punchably?  Seriously, it sounds like someone punched him in the gut while he is screeching that “AND I”.  Is this what we get from the family tree of one of The Doctor’s from Doctor Who?  If so, then can we please send this shit back to where it came from?  I repeat, PLEASE!?

Wumbo: Oh my God. What garbage heap did we pull this guy from?

This is Lewis Capaldi. He sucks. He sucks at singing, and he sucks at writing. Case in point: This song somehow took him six months to write. This E-Z Rock Radio piece of garbage, only brought to any sort of interest by his awful, awful voice. It's like if Chad Kroeger was Scottish. And boy, isn't a Scottish Chad Kroeger what we really needed on the pop charts? Gag me. How the hell did this get big?

 

Spoiler

18. "Ransom" - Lil Tecca

 

Clappy - #17
Wumbo - #18

Clappy: I kid you not.  This is seriously the first time I’ve ever heard this song.  I’ve got no strong opinion on the song or him whatsoever.  Might as well call this Generic Trap Song 234657 which these songs by these no names are becoming so by the numbers that I don’t understand why we still put up with these.  I mean I hear nothing distinct about this song that I haven’t heard before…although I am watching the video now.  He’s a sixteen year old kid getting felt up by Dominican prostitutes.  Somebody call his momma…or the authorities…

Wumbo: I tell ya guys, I listen to songs like this and they just make me feel horrifically old. I feel like if I was even a couple years younger, I would understand the appeal of this song from beginning to end. As is, though, this is squealing from an infant to me. I have no reason to invest in this derivative, boring, aimless song, because it gives me nothing to latch onto. Maybe Lil Tecca will actually develop an identity when he gets older. But if this is all he can do, I can't say we'll be seeing a Lil Tecca Greatest Hits collection anytime soon.

 

Spoiler

 17. "No Guidance" - Chris Brown (featuring Drake)

 

Clappy - #15
Wumbo - #18

Clappy: Okay can I just say that this song would be so much better without Chris Brown?  Ignoring all the Chris Brown is an atrocious person arguments, this is a bad R&B song with a good guest verse.  This is by far the hardest I’ve heard Drake try on a R&B guest verse in years.  He nearly saves the song from being in my bad graces…and then we get to Chris Brown.  Once again, ignoring all the Chris Brown toxicity that stains everything he is a part of, he completely misses the mood of his own song.  In what calls for a sensual lowkey vibe, Chris Brown misses the mark by a country mile and just tries way too hard.  He oversings everything, he nearly shouts some of his lines, and just ruins the mood that Drake practically gift wrapped for him.  I get that Drake helped revive Meek Mill’s career this year, but did he have to help Chris Brown? 

Wumbo: Man, I am so tired of Chris Brown. It feels like Chris Brown is just gonna be around forever, like a stubborn cockroach. And as long as he's gonna keep being unimpressive, I'm gonna keep on calling him out. This song is a complete snooze, from one artist who sounds completely tuned out (Drake) and one I wish was completely turned off (Chris Brown). I know this is as tired a conversation as any, because Chris Brown can't even fucking sing. I could understand his continued success if he was actually talented, but he's not. He's really just not. And Drake? Man, I don't even need to say how sick I am of Drake. After 2018, I've had enough of Drake to last me a lifetime. Thankfully he's just dull on this one and not obnoxious, but Chris Brown does more than enough to make up for it. Did this only get big because Drake and Chris Brown had such a publicized feud before? What a waste of time.

 

Spoiler

16. "The Git Up" - Blanco Brown

 

Clappy - #18
Wumbo - #11

Clappy: I already wasted my prime material with that now lost forever status update.  “The Git Up” sounds like Nashville’s youth group friendly version of “Old Town Road”.  Except it fails to replicate the magic of why OTR worked.  Most importantly, OTR doesn’t have the meddling of studio hacks.  I doubt we will ever hear from Blanco Brown ever again after this song and it seems like he is fine with that.  Enjoy your brief moment in the sun, guy.  Being known as a lesser rate version of one of the biggest songs of all time.  Bandwagon hopper.  

Wumbo: Now sliiide to the left! Sliiide to the right...

Pop music has never been one to shy away from its dance crazes, even in its early days. (I swear, that 1962 list is coming out soon.) "The Git Up" is just the latest entry in the trend, obviously climbing so high because of its TikTok popularity and its country-rap resemblance to "Old Town Road". This just isn't a song you can take seriously. There's absolutely no meat to it. But it's fun and light enough that I'd be lying if I said it didn't put a smile on my face every time I listened to it. Do I think Blanco Brown is going to have any more hits? No. But he certainly could have done a lot worse.

 

Spoiler

 15. "Money in the Grave" - Drake (featuring Rick Ross)

 

Clappy - #13
Wumbo - #15

Clappy:  Wasn’t this song released to celebrate the 2019 NBA champion Toronto Raptors?  Why is Drake still trying to press Pusha T’s buttons?  Does he really need that hatchet to be buried deeper?  I wonder what Pusha T will further reveal about Drake when he gets around to that next diss track?  Who still cares about Rick Ross in 2019?  And most importantly, why are all these questions more interesting than this song itself?  At least this beat slaps.

Wumbo: Wow, look, guys! Drake's going hard again. Is he? Is he really? I'm so numb to Drake these days. Maybe this is better than most of his output in the past few years, but does that really make it good? And why is Rick Ross on this? To please the only Rick Ross fan left? All I can say is that if this is supposed to be the reward we get for winning the NBA, Toronto deserves better. Beat's okay, though.

 

Spoiler

14. "Goodbyes" - Post Malone (featuring Young Thug)

 

Clappy - #16
Wumbo - #9

Clappy:  There is seriously nothing else I have to say about this than, “And here’s Post Malone.  Not trying.”  Seriously, Post Malone songs are becoming as cliché as the Generic Trap Songs that I talked about earlier.  You know what would surprise me?  If he didn’t do a song about his pills, his girls, and any other sad boy shit he wants to whine about.  I didn’t like “Wow” either, but after hearing it so much throughout the year, it started to warm up on me by the slightest bit for not being an overdramatic slog.  Oh and Young Thug is on this.  I normally welcome a Young Thug guest verse since they aren’t always the same thing every time.  But this is not one of his better ones.  I think he admitted to slicing and dicing a girl.  His arrest warrant is on the way.

Wumbo: So "Sunflower" is fine and all, but if I'm being honest, Post Malone works best as a sadboi. This is exactly the angst I expect from him, and the sparse instrumentation at the beginning of the song is honestly... chilling? I never thought I'd say that about Post Malone, but he's great sticking to lyrics which accentuate his delivery. I'm reminded of the best song on Beerbongs and Bentleys, "Stay". And maybe Young Thug doesn't exactly fit on this, but he brings a much-needed energy to the song regardless, and sounds kind of sad and pathetic in his own right. I honestly think it's a more successful song than "Sunflower", in that there's an emotional pathos I can connect to. Maybe it's sad, but we all need sadboi music sometimes.

 

Spoiler

13. "You Need to Calm Down" - Taylor Swift

 

Clappy - #11
Wumbo - #13

Clappy: This song has so many problems.  I should hate it.  A lot.  I’m beyond sick of Taylor making songs tackling her haters.  Comparing said personal haters to haters of the LGBT community is quite possibly the stupidest music metaphors I’ve seen in my many years of reviewing.  And these are some of the worst lyrics Taylor has ever written.

…and yet, I don’t hate it.  This song has been filling a void that I’ve had for tasteless pop music that I’ve been longing for in 2019.  Because these last few years have had so many same sounding singles.  Too much pop centrism for my taste.  You know what?  For the MANY problems this song has going for it, it at least sticks out amongst the pack.  I’m not going to recommend it.  Hell I don’t like it.  But around the middle of the pack of this top twenty sounds like a good place for it.

Wumbo: All right, all right. So the song's a little... okay, a lot messy. So maybe it doesn't quite hit the mark with its LGBT allyship. It's still miles ahead of the awful, awful song that was "ME!", so it's a step in the right direction. For one thing, it actually has a powerful chorus with booming vocals and percussion. And it does try for a reachout to queer communities, though I'm not sure that comparing your haters to bigots and homophobes is the smartest move. As I said, it's messy as hell. But it at least feels like a Taylor Swift move that isn't just white noise. And for that, I can respect it the teensiest little bit. Might want to unfriend Katy Perry again, though. Just sayin'.

 

Spoiler

12. "Hey Look Ma, I Made It" - Panic! at the Disco

 

Clappy - #12
Wumbo - #10

Clappy: Look I’m happy that Brendon Urie finally made his way back to the top.  I may talk a lot about pop on this site, but my heart is still strong for rock and roll…not much so for the “rock and roll” of today.  But as someone who has been a Panic! fan ever since that first album, seeing Brendon Urie become one of the biggest names on the Hot 100 right now makes me genuinely happy for the guy…

…too bad the quality isn’t there this time.  It’s “High Hopes” again except not nearly as catchy or as memorable.  Those lyrics aren’t kidding.  Are you ready for the sequel; indeed.  I don’t understand why he released this as a single.  On that new album, this is immediately followed by…you guessed it, “High Hopes”.  So I don’t know if this is ironic intentionally or if it’s just lame.

And look, I like the message this song sarcastically sends about how flimsy success in the music industry is.  Look no further than Brendon Urie getting a second chance at mainstream superstardom as proof of that.  But this chorus is so juvenile and bratty.  And where I love the trumpets on “High Hopes”, I straight up hate them here.  They are so blaring and annoying that it’s obnoxious.  And that's pretty similar to my thoughts on this song.

Wumbo: I think that Panic at the Disco have adapted far better to the waning popularity of pop punk than their obvious contemporaries Fall Out Boy. Of course, Panic is just Brendon Urie now, but he certainly has star power, what with "High Hopes" being yet another song to last 52 weeks on the chart in 2019, and this song being a pretty sufficient replacement. It may not be as bombastic as the former, but I love Brendon Urie's voice and that can carry a lot. It does carry this song to the top half of my list, and I look forward to seeing what Brendon Urie does in the future.

 

Spoiler

11. "Sucker" - The Jonas Brothers

 

Clappy - #14
Wumbo - #7

Clappy: Don’t let the similar placement of this song from my Spring Ranking fool you.  This song went from being nothing to me to flat out not liking it.  I’m getting so actively sick of this song appearing everywhere.  I get that we are nostalgic for the past, but did we really need this?  This nothing of a song that has no original ideas and no personality?  I guess this song did help me realize one thing.  That I will never give a fuck about The Jonas Brothers.

Wumbo: Maybe the Jonas Brothers will never become critical darlings. But for what it's worth, I think they've really come together to make some good, catchy pop music this year. And this is clearly the standout of their singles this year. There's not really much to say about it. It's sharply written, fun, and sticks in your brain. Just like any good pop song should. Good job, boys.

 

Spoiler

10. "Talk" - Khalid

 

Clappy - #7
Wumbo - #14

Clappy: And the Khalid roller coaster quality ride continues.  After like three songs he was involved with on my spring ranking not doing anything for me, this one does.  I didn’t expect Khalid to make a silly love song about how communication is important in the early stages of a relationship, but here we are.  The vibe I’ve come to expect from Khalid is lowkey and atmospheric.  This took me by surprise that he had songs like this in him.  I would say the credit completely goes to Disclosure, who produced this, but this beat is not one of their strongest.  Honestly, what this reminds me more of is like a cartoony version of Hotline Bling.  Right down to the music video, which let’s be honest, that’s exactly the vibe it’s going for.

As a one off surprise, I think it’s decent.  But I hope Khalid doesn’t go down this road some more in the future.  He’s far better than goofy songs like this, whether I like it or not.

Wumbo: I'm not really sure what to make of Khalid's success as of late. He's certainly not the worst artist on this list, but he's never really had that "wow" factor either. Which I suppose is part of his appeal, the lowkey nature of his music. And honestly, while I would never call this a favourite song of mine, there's a certain sweetness to Khalid's voices and the bouncy beat that makes this work. I don't know if you can call it a sleeper hit when it's been in the Top 5 for a while now, but that's the vibe it gives off. And while Khalid has done better, this is a fine, inoffensive part of his discography. I don't know if there's any real reason to seek it out, though. And that does hurt its position for me.

 

Spoiler

9. "Suge" - DaBaby

 

Clappy - #5
Wumbo - #16

Clappy: Okay let me get the only major nitpick I have with this out of the way first.  Out of all the people you would want to emulate, Suge Knight is a terrible idea.  Yes he was one of the youngest CEOs ever in music history, but you guys do know what happened to Suge Knight, right?  He’s currently serving twenty eight years in prison for voluntary manslaughter after he stormed off the set seeing how he was going to be portrayed in “Straight Outta Compton”.  Which even before that, he’s had numerous legal troubles that he should have been found guilty for multiple murders, robberies, firearm assault…and has had to declare bankruptcy multiple times.  So yeah, comparing yourself to a young CEO like Suge is cool and all, but having to declare bankruptcy at a young age and multiple times since then is not nearly as cool or impressive as it makes you out to be.

But I’m more than willing to take my critical hat off for a couple minutes for this song.  Because this song is a bop.  I love the interpolated sample of the Jaws theme.  I love DaBaby’s charisma.  I love the outlandish declarations in these lyrics.  I love the offbeat energy.  I love DaBaby’s cadences.  And I’ll straight up say it, DaBaby is one of the few new guys to emerge on the scene who actually has a shit ton of personality.  I checked out his big breakthrough album.   He’s a refreshing change of pace that trap music has badly needed over the last couple years.  I’m invested in his future.  He’s going to be a big star if he keeps it up.

Wumbo: Safe to say that my like for this song has thoroughly disintegrated. I guess it's not bad by any means, but I grew really bored of it. I think there's a lot of songs out there with more to it than this one. Maybe it'll grow on me again. I dunno. We'll see.

 

Spoiler

8. "Senorita" - Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello

 

Clappy -  #10
Wumbo - #8

Clappy: So for the past year or so, Shawn Mendes has started to improve.  I still wouldn’t call myself a fan or anything.  He remakes the three to four same songs over and over again.  But he at least keeps finding ways to make them sound better than the previous entry.  More on that later. 

This is the rare exception from the same handful of song topics, but I place that more on the fact that this is a duet with Camila Cabello, so they had to find some sort of middle ground.  Hot sultry summer jam was definitely the right route to go.  And I’ve got to say, the chemistry on this song is sizzling hot.  It’s much better than their last collaboration together and it also goes with my theory that Mendes keeps finding ways to make his previous songs better than they were last time.

That being said, my problems all come down to Camila Cabello.  I don’t know who the hell did her vocal mixing on this, but her voice is grating here.  Its grating in general.  It’s always been my problem with her going back to her Fifth Harmony days.  I really wish I liked Camila’s solo work.  I still love “Havana” and that’s because they toned down her over-singing to the right amounts.  Everything she has been a part of since then has been fairly bad.  And her part here I don’t like outside of her vocal harmonizing with Shawn Mendes.

Wumbo: This one grew on me quite a bit. I guess I just feel the chemistry between the two singers a bit more. Shawn Mendes especially has really matured as a singer. Wonder if he could give Justin Bieber some pointers? Although why does he want Camila Cabello to call him "senorita"? Sometimes shared choruses don't work, y'all. Regardless, this song does a lot to showcase each artist's transition into adulthood, and leaves me excited for what the next move might be.

 

Spoiler

7. "Sunflower" - Swae Lee & Post Malone

 

Clappy - #4
Wumbo - #12

Clappy: If this was a list of songs I wish would just get out of the top twenty already, this would easily top this list sadly.  I’ve heard it too much and I can’t believe the longevity it has had.  I don’t want to talk about this song anymore.  That said, I still love it.  Overplay will not affect my love for it, which is why I’m going to go out of my way to never listen to this song ever again outside of “Into the Spider-Verse”.

Wumbo: This is still here. Huh.

I tell ya, 2019 has been full of these lowkey songs that just refuse to go away, and "Sunflower" is no exception. This song has been on the charts for over 40 weeks and it's still in the Top 20. Not that there's anything wrong with the song, however. I'm not sure it holds up quite as well as I thought it would, but it is kind of a song that transcends seasons because of its lowkey feel. This could just as easily be a summer song as it was a fall, winter, and spring song. I suppose that's why it's lasted this long. It's a fine enough song, probably one of Swae Lee's best performances. I just don't feel the same connection to it as I once did. Still, not bad.

 

Spoiler

6. "Boyfriend" - Ariana Grande & Social House

 

Clappy - #9
Wumbo - #2

Clappy: I really wish Ariana Grande would just take a break.  There I said it.

I don’t know how much of these recent singles that have been forced out involving her are due to Scooter Braun not letting her take some time off.   But Ariana is clearly trying to make the best of whatever situation she seems to be stuck in.  At least she is giving her cosign to those who gave her biggest hit “thank u next”.  First it was the song’s lead writer Victoria Monet.  Now this new duo Social House, who wrote and produced that slice of pop perfection.  And fun fact, it has just now been revealed as of a few days ago, she is dating one of them.  So maybe this song is about their casual dating beforehand?

If it is, then I don’t see this relationship lasting that long.  I just don’t feel any chemistry whatsoever.  The lyrics make it sound far more interesting than the way they perform it.  Ariana singing sultry still sounds great.  It’s Ariana.  Even in her worst songs, she still sounds like a million bucks.  But these Social House guys.  Woof.  Both of them should stick to writing and producing good beats.  Because the beat does slap.  Just wish the song had more oomph to it.

Wumbo: Okay, this one caught me off guard. On one level, this is just an inferior version of "thank u, next", which is really a fantastic track. But on another level, this song has the chillest and most perfect groove and it's absolutely captivating. There's something about it. I feel like it borrows from "Finesse" just as much as "thank u, next", which is never a bad thing. The two influences combine to give off this really chill vibe that just soothes your brain like a massage. Ariana Grande has always looked good with restraint in her delivery, and this song is the perfect avenue for that. I really love it. We'll see if it cools on me within the next few weeks, but for now, yeah. Really good stuff.

 

Spoiler

5. "If I Can't Have You" - Shawn Mendes

 

Clappy - #6
Wumbo - #5

Clappy: Like I said earlier, Shawn Mendes is improving.  He has the same three song single types: the slow moody ballad, the mid tempo “nice guy” song, and the soaring high tempo jam and also the Camila Cabello duets to make four single types.  And it seems he keeps finding ways to improve on them.  This is the best soaring high tempo song I’ve heard from him.

And look, I know my theory about remaking the same types of songs is a bit of a stretch, but really think about it.  I first realized this due to this song with the chorus.  He can’t write ONE song that is not about you.  It made me realize he does write a lot of songs about undescribed love interests.  And slowly after that, I classified his singles into three different types. 

And that lead us to here.  Where I found my first Shawn Mendes song I can say I truly enjoy A LOT.  This song just makes me feel genuinely happy, even if it’s familiar.  The chorus is catchy, the verses actually sound realistic instead of the usual vague unfocused love interests he tends to write about, and most importantly, Shawn Mendes isn’t oversinging to the point that it’s distracting.  He sounds so much more laid back and focused here than he has ever sounded and it helps him a lot.  More of this please and maybe someday, Shawn Mendes will make a top ten list of mine.

Wumbo: What a fantastic pop artist Shawn Mendes has carved himself out to be. If you told me five years ago that this guy would be one of the most consistently good hitmakers years later, I would have called you crazy. But he's surpassing all his peers to become the male pop star we need around this time. With JT flopping hard last year, I think we've found ourselves a sufficient replacement. This is a wonderful song with a real earworm of a chorus, and Shawn Mendes continues to prove why he deserves our attention. There's something captivating about his voice; I think he's really found a style that works for him. Good on him, and good to have another Canadian artist to be proud of.

 

Spoiler

4. "Bad Guy" - Billie Eilish

 

Clappy - #8
Wumbo - #1

Clappy: Of all the Billie Eilish songs out there to get big, why did it have to be this one?  I mean I get why it’s huge.  MEMES!  If you really want your song to stick around near the top of the charts, you can always rely on memes.

I mean its an okay song.  Don’t really feel all that strongly about it.  Billie’s sense of humor is spot on here.  No wonder it became a meme because the song itself is a joke.  The production building up this eerie sense of creepy instability only for the lyrics to represent that Billie is as threatening as an internet critic on a SpongeBob forum….hold up.

That being said, these lines.  Woof.  I don’t care if it’s a joke.  I don’t want to hear lines about a seventeen year old girl trying to seduce my dad.  No amounts of us being in on the joke makes me want to hear anything about something that fucked up.  Oh and fuck the Justin Bieber remix.  I bet that was a dream come true for Billie since I know how big a fan of his she is.  But it doesn't work.  At all.

PS - I love the beat change at the end.  It works.  Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. 

Wumbo: There's been a lot of talk around our favourite new star of pop music, Lil Nas X. As much as I love "Old Town Road" and his Twitter presence, I feel like we need to take some of that energy and give it to Billie Eilish, who has proven to be a phenomenally talented artist in her own right. and here's "Bad Guy", probably the most pop-friendly of her songs on her new album, no surprise it's her most successful. There's a lot to love about this one. The coy performance, the sharply funny and cutting lyrics, the scathingly sarcastic bouncy production, and then that bit at the end where she just turns the joke up to eleven with this bass-heavy beat change. It's a wonder of a song, and we are so lucky to have artists like Billie Eilish in 2019. This isn't even the best song on the album, and it's still my #1 choice of this Top 20. That's how good she is, folks, because it's not like she had no competition. But in the end, I had to go with "Bad Guy". Duh.

 

Spoiler

3. "Dancing With a Stranger" - Sam Smith & Normani

 

Clappy - #2
Wumbo - #6

Clappy: Jesus, do I really need to pour my heart and soul out again about how much I related to this song?  Please look that up a page ago if you want my full analysis.  Love this song.

Wumbo: Okay, fine. I love this Sam Smith song. Are ya happy now?

Prior to this, the only time I could say I've ever liked Sam Smith was on that Disclosure collab five years back, "Latch". It's the only time he's sounded good in a song to me. But I have to admit, this one gets there. It works in a lot of the same ways "Goodbyes" does, tapping into the melancholy of being alone and trying to move on from that. The difference is, obviously, Sam Smith and Normani are much better singers than Post Malone and Young Thug. Hey, I can recognize talent where it's due. This is a pop song with real, heartfelt emotion sewn into it perfectly. And with Sam Smith's new song being good as well... damn, this is really shaping up to be the year of surprises for me. All I can say is keep 'em comin'!

 

Spoiler

2. "Truth Hurts" - Lizzo

 

Clappy - #3
Wumbo - #4

Clappy: If I see one more person bitch about how “Juice” deserves better…

No let’s talk about that for a minute.  I agree that “Juice” is better.  It’s one of my favorite songs this year period.  But that doesn’t mean let’s collectively shit on “Truth Hurts” for being one of the biggest singles right now.  It’s the “High Hopes”/”Say Amen” deserved better complaint.  I hate music Twitter for that reason alone.  Just shut up and appreciate true talent winning.

And that’s why “Truth Hurts” is awesome.  Because it’s Lizzo’s personality that really shines through.  I’ve covered my fair share of kiss off anthems over the years and this is one of the best ones I’ve ever reviewed.  Practically all of Lizzo’s lines are legitimately great.  Why are men great until they gotta be great?  Girls do have guy problems, it’s human (and vice versa).  But you know what my favorite line in this whole song is?

Hey I’m glad you’re back with your bitch
I mean, who would wanna hide this?
I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever be your side chick

How refreshing JESUS.  She’s happy that this guy is back with his ex.  Sarcastically of course because she genuinely doesn’t give a fuck.  And that she knows she is better than his ex, that’s confidence that most of the recent kiss off anthems wish they had.

Genuinely love this.  Hope it keeps climbing up all the way to number one.

Wumbo: Lizzo is a fucking star, and it's about time that she was recognized for her talents on Billboard. What can I even say about this song? It is a bold, unabashed display of confidence that only Lizzo can provide. It is such an earworm from beginning to end. That looping piano hook is absolutely infectious, and every line here is brilliant. By the way, my vote is on "shampoo press, get you out of my hair" for Best Two Seconds of Pop 2019.

So why only #4? I think I'm just salty that "Juice", an even better song, didn't get the same treatment. Hey, the truth hurts. But that's not to take away from this song at all, which is still fucking fantastic. And it only goes up from here...

 

Spoiler

1. "Old Town Road" - Lil Nas X (featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, Diplo, Young Thug, the yodeling Wal-Mart kid, that one guy from BTS, Lil Wayne, and anyone else that wants to jump in for a remix)

 

Clappy - #1
Wumbo - #3

Clappy: But for as much as I felt deep emotional connections to “Dancing With a Stranger”….it wasn’t topping this list.  It was always going to be this.  Bull riding and boobies.

I think it’s an understatement when I say that “Old Town Road” is the song of the year.  A lot of people, myself included, think that 2019 has been a rather dull year for the charts.  But at the same time, let’s look back and reflect for a minute.  Look at some of the people who have some of the biggest hits of this year: The Jonas Brothers, Snow, Bradley Cooper, Panic! At the Disco, Bastille, and a huge upswing in country music hits.  Compared to last year where a crap ton of album bombs rocked the charts by the biggest of names.  2019 may be a boring charting year, but it’s also lowkey very interesting by WHO is getting the biggest of hits.  And of all the people who are getting hits, Lil Nas X and (to a slightly lesser extent) Billy Ray Cyrus are the strangest of them all.  A Nicki Minaj Twitter stan who decided to make a song for the hell of it and a has-been who has been basically trying everything since his big hit in 1992 to stay relevant.  These two have the biggest number one hit single of all time.  THESE TWO PEOPLE.  I’m still fascinated by how this happened.

But the most fascinating thing of all?  This song is legitimately great.  It’s country music and rap music meeting at a crossroads and not sucking.  Lil Nas X sounds like he could fit in with the outlaw country of the 70s and Billy Ray Cyrus adds legitimacy and soulful depth as the old timer who has seen it all.  And the funny thing?  It’s not that complicated of a song.  Why else does it have so many remixes?  Because it’s simply a catchy song that doesn’t have deep lyrical depth.  My headline for the song title may be a joke, but it’s also not.  Here let me put it this way:

 



This YouTube parody is that.  A parody.  But it wouldn’t surprise any of you if any of these people, aliens, etc. would hop on for a remix.  Because that beat is simple, yet catchy enough to make any of this work and sound awesome. 

Old Town Road.  More than just a meme.  It can change music as we know it.

Wumbo: So here we are. "Old Town Road". Still the #1 song on Billboard. A record-breaker. Does it deserve it? Hell yes.

I can't remember the last time a group of people united so thoroughly over a song. I was in the club just last night, and when this song came on. Everybody fucking stopped what they were doing and sang along, myself included. It's so bloody good. And the only way it was made better was with the inclusion of Billy Ray Cyrus. It took me a little bit to become accustomed to his part, but it's now just another cherry on top of an already delicious sundae of a song. Billy Ray Cyrus and Lil Nas X are magic together. Man, this has been a strange year. But a fun one. Can't wait to see Lil Nas X at the top of the charts in 2020.

 

Clappy: So as I said earlier, 2019 can be called a lot of things.  Strange.  Interesting.  Unpredictable.  Boring.  And that summarizes this week's chart as well quality wise.  All over the place, but definitely an improvement over the charts this time last year.  I've said a lot of things about this year in this post, but the last year of the 2010s is ending this decade on a peculiar note.  I have no idea what to expect when list season rolls around and I will definitely be watching with eyes wide open to see what makes the year end charts and what doesn't.  All I got to say is I eagerly await with open arms.

Wumbo: 2019 may not be a perfect year. But as I said, it sure is shaping up to be a hell of a lot better than 2018. We'll see what happens in the fall, but until then, as long as we have talents like these, remain optimistic. Wumbo out.

[Katniss]

This was great! I enjoyed seeing where you guys more or less agreed and where you differed (Wumbo picked the correct #1, btw ). Y’all are truly the best music critics on this SpongeBob site.

[Sweat]

You could probably make a "We Didn't Start the Fire" parody based off of everyone who worked with Lil Nas X this year.

[Clappy]

4 hours ago, Holy Halibut said:

You could probably make a "We Didn't Start the Fire" parody based off of everyone who worked with Lil Nas X this year.

I laughed for a second and then seriously thought of it.  You’re so right.

[Steel Sponge]

Some scattered thoughts:

-I was honestly expecting "Someone You Loved" to be the #20. I even thought that the singer's debut album being legitimately titled "Divinely Uninspired to a Hellish Extent" would've made a lock for that spot.
-As for "I Don't Care," it is pretty bad and I'll admit it that I feel like I should hate this one more than I don't, but I can't take this one too seriously because a part me feels that Ed and Beebs are mostly effing around, especially when it comes to the music video.
-Call me crazy, but if I were to acknowledge what I felt is one of the worst songs on the top 20 that week, that honor would go to "Hey Look Ma, I Made It," and I'm surely one of the only few people here who thinks it's an absolute trainwreck of a song.
-I find it astonishing that Shawn Mendes is greatly improving considering that "Treat You Better" is one of my most hated hit songs of the decade. "If I Can't Have You" is the best of the two, but "Senorita" also comes close that quality for me.
-The top three in your rankings plus "Sunflower" and "Talk" are the week's highlights IMO. Although I might be growing tired of "Old Town Road," I can agree that it is genuinely great.