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Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000


Jinjo

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17 hours ago, jjsthekid said:

The Monster's mouth cuts the screen off.

The Monster ate the cameraman.

On the subject of Down Under, I can see this show did a good job taking notes from it since Mr. N is basically Ginger. See how I'm the good guy with how I keep stabbing you in the back. I'll give him credit where credit is due, he's certainly more evil than N from Pokemon because at least he let others knew what he stood for. This Mr. N doesn't know who he is, making him that much more unintentionally terrifying.

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Here's another three in one riff pack.

Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

21. What Happens Happens

Spoiler

21. What Happens Happens:

[MMM: One of the greatest philosophical statements of our time.]

[Hayden: Wgqy3Rz.gif

 Not sure how it works for a fake world like this....]

[Jjs: After the nothing of a chapter that was 20, I truly do hope something actually “happens”. What “happens” next however is possibly one of the most mind numbingly idiotic and confusing things I’ve ever written. If you thought the plot twist of Mr. N turning out to be an underground secret society leader who fought two gods was the spin-off’s jumping the shark moment, wait until you see what I brought in next. Brace yourselves.]

Nylax, SpongeBob, Patrick, and The Phantom Trinity were at a cliff. 

[MMM: So much suspense, so little time.]

[Rusty: Promising start.]

[Jjs: Hopefully Mr. N pushes them all off the cliff and we can end this spin-off. Only in a perfect world, sadly.]

[Hayden: Goddammit Jjs, you aren't supposed to START chapters with cliffhangers.]

The castle was descending from the sky.

[Jjs: Still? That castle sure likes taking its sweet time, which I guess is a perfect representation of my writing process for this.]

[Hayden: The laws of gravity would have had it there by now.]

[Rusty: I wish there was a castle in the sky...]

"The lords are awakening! We most evacuate!" yelled Nylax.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: must]

Just then, a flash of light streamed at Nylax's face. 

[Jjs: What? Streamed at his face? Is this light a new Netflix series, and it’s being beamed directly into his head?]

[Hayden: All of Nylax's best fanfiction ideas are beamed into his brain at night. ;) ]

[Rusty: How do his eyes not explode?]

He then entered a portal of darkness. 

[Jjs: Ah, Portal of Darkness was always an underrated Netflix classic, to be honest. Glad to see Mr. N giving it some love.]

[MMM: "Portal of Darkness" sounds like a parody of something. What happened to the light?]

[Hayden: When he was talking about evacuating I thought he meant a porta-potty, not this!]

[Rusty: Hello, Darkness. I hate you.]

The Dark Lord appeared and took the shape of Nylax. He gasped and fell to the ground. Nylax has been possessed by the Dark Lord!

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Rusty: Oh really? *rolls eyes*]

[Hayden: afAdzXx.gif ]

Nylax fell to the ground.

[Jjs: Yes, we already knew he fell to the ground. Redundant and redundant.]

[Redundancy of Redundancy Department: The Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you Past Jjs, in that house which is a house on this block, which is on a street in this town.]

[Hayden: Has the redundancy of redundancy department itself gotten redundant?!]

"Are you okay?!" yelled Patrick. 

[MMM: Probably not if he fell to the ground twice.]

[Jjs: I don’t think you need to yell when he’s right next to you.]

[Rusty: WELL, MY EARS AREN'T!]

Nylax rose up and grabbed Patrick. He threw him to the ground. 

[Jjs: Damn, The Dark Lord must have been working out while imprisoned if can throw Patrick’s fat ass.]

[Hayden: Mr. Dark Lord is grounding Nylax and Patrick for being naughty.]

[Rusty: That actually made me laugh, honestly.]

Nylax clicked his purple gem and transformed into his mutant form. 

[Jjs: He “clicked the gem”? Did he use a mouse?]

[Rusty: Pretty soon he'll be typing it.]

[Hayden: Oh hey, that still has a purpose. Not sure why a Dark Lord needs to have that power, or why Nylax himself couldn't just keep being the villain if he was going to continue attacking the heroes with this form.]

He then made a purple and black bike appear. 

[Jjs: I want to be confused and question why this is even happening, but that bike does look pretty bitchin’. Maybe Mr. N/The Dark Lord and I can form a cool biker gang.]

[Hayden: How is his monster self going to fit on a bike? No coordination.]

He laughed and hop onto it.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: hops]

[MMM: Or hopped? Hmm.]

[Rusty: Make your own Zootopia joke, I'm tired.]

"What's going on...?" asked SpongeBob.

[MMM: Good question.]

[Jjs: He wants you all to join our biker gang. If only.]

"Sir..are you okay?" asked Sablado.

[Jjs: He’s fine, he’s just showing off his macdaddy motorbike skills.]

[Rusty: Do I lOoK oKaY?]

"SpongeBob..We will fight! You shall not reach the Dark Lord!" he yelled.

[Jjs: Except he already has. You’re the Dark Lord, dumbass.]

[Rusty: *epic facedesk*]

[Hayden: Also Spongebob seems very motivated to go do that, what with all the stammering and asking what's going on.]

"Wait...I thought you we-"

[Jjs: Who’s even saying this?]

[MMM: What are they even saying?]

[Rusty: Doug Ducey, who else?]

Nylax then blasted a dark blast at Sablado. 

[Jjs: Oh okay, one of his irrelevant goons. Even Mr. N/The Dark Lord knows how irrelevant they are by interrupting one mid sentence.]

[Rusty: Gotta Blast!]

[Hayden: Well that's one way to thank Sablado's concern for you.]

He fell to the ground.

[Jjs: I think this chapter should be titled “He fell to the ground”, since that seems to be happening an awful lot.]

[Rusty: Someone strengthened the gravity again.]

[MMM: Who wants to go next?]

[Hayden: wsGKJjr.gif ]

"There is something wrong with him!" yelled Aradios.

[MMM: No dip.]

[Rusty: NOOOOOOO? REALLLY?]

[Jjs: There's something wrong with all of you, not just him.

Also, Aradios instead of Aradois? Getting closer to Ariados...maybe he really is a Pokemon.]

[Hayden: Squish that arachnid.]

SpongeBob was forced to pull out his Duel Board by the dark force. 

[Jjs: What and the what? How the...what the fuck...yeah, get ready for some exposition by yours truly.]

[Rusty: Make your own Yu-Gi-Oh joke, Im tired.]

[Hayden: Oh that Spongebob, always pulling duel boards out of his pants. Who could forget that one time, and the time before that...]

[MMM: ...huh, how did he get tha-]

(Yes, this is a reference to Brave & The Bold. Expect more battles in more of my spin-offs. Also, this show takes place 6 months after Brave & The Bold)

[Jjs: OH BOY! I’ve been “eagerly” waiting to riff this. Okay, time out. For those confused on what the hell I’m rambling about in the parenthesis, and why SpongeBob has a “Duel Board”, I made the next three chapters tie into one of my old spin-offs: Mermaid Man: The Brave and the Bold. In that spin-off, I had a few Yu-Gi-Oh-esque duels. Yu-Gi-Oh 5D’s was going on around the time, which I was a fan of. Since I had no direction for this spin-off anymore, I decided to do more duels based off of that (which is why Mr. N has that fancy ass bike) to fill the time for chapters 21, 22 and 23 because why not. Yes, I legit decided to bring Yu-Gi-Oh into SpongeBob, which in hindsight was incredibly silly and what the fuck. However, in Brave and the Bold, at least there the concept was actually built up prior, even if I’ll admit in hindsight it probably wasn’t necessary in that one either. Here, there’s no excuse. It just comes right the fuck out of nowhere with zero foreshadowing. Suddenly, this SpongeBob just happens to be the same one from Brave and the Bold, and takes 6 months after it? BULL. SHIT. This was not once hinted to in the previous twenty chapters whatsoever. It's not even a clever tie-in, since it goes absolutely nowhere. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind this as much if I wasn’t forcibly trying to connect this to a better spin-off of mine. I just lazily tried to re-use the Yu-Gi-Oh material that was popular in Brave and the Bold, hoping it would replicate the same success those had to save USMI (spoiler: it didn't). Why the flying fuck did I think combining Yu-Gi-Oh with a Scooby-Doo SpongeBob parody, that for some reason, decided to get into underground secret societies involving GODS, was a good idea? I don’t know, but you can clearly tell this spin-off has truly just become a clusterfuck with zero direction and rushed ideas. I'm a broken record at this point, but I owe Past Steel another apology for criticizing the lack of identity in The Dark Side of the Herd, as this also lacks one. These last stretch of chapters still use the same mantra I mentioned at the end of 20 (intentionally rushing them out to compete with Bikini Top and Down Under), so they aren't even well executed in any interesting way. These duels are so lazy (a reoccurring theme) and dull. I don’t even know what else to say anymore, honestly. This entire plot is becoming Down Under levels of bad and mindfuckery...yet it’s laughably bad. Go ahead spin-off, let’s have a Yu-Gi-Oh duel in what was supposed to be a Scooby-Doo parody. If you have zero knowledge of anything Yu-Gi-Oh, don’t worry, as I’m sure you can still find a shit ton of wrong with what’s about to happen. Although, I will say in a way, it's oddly poetic this spin-off decided to throw in Yu-Gi-Oh. This spin-off has so many loose ends and plot elements that go nowhere that you could make a trading card game out of them. :Laugh: ]

[MMM: I guess that's Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh.

...

You know, some things just don't fit together. Maybe that information could have been naturally introduced in the story, or just be thrown out altogether.]

Just then, Nylax's eyes glowed and both of them disappeared.

[Jjs: Not gonna lie, for a few seconds I read that as both of Mr. N’s eyes disappearing, not him and SpongeBob. Just thought I’d clear that up if you think Mr. N is blind right now.]

[Hayden: Somehow I could believe you'd have his eyes teleport out of his sockets for no reason.]

[Rusty: Well, I'd think they would now be blind considering what's about to happen.]

They were in Space!

[Jjs: Undersea Mysteries Incorporated: IN SPACE!]

[Hayden: Whenever a show goes into space, you can tell it's almost over.]

[Rusty: Yay! Space, my territory, as a "Space Fox", I assume they aren't wearing spacesuits, so they're dead. With burning eyes to boot.]

They landed on a light bridge path that circled around tons of planets.

[Jjs: Now watch as SpongeBob gathers the combined powers of Venus, Mars, Mercury, and Jupiter to help defeat The Dark Lord-ehh, on second thought let's not bring Sailor Moon into this either. Instead, I'll just hope SpongeBob and The Dark Lord get close enough to Venus and become fish sticks, because I could sure go for some right now.]

[MMM: Must be a pretty big bridge.]

"How are we breathing?! Why are you doing this?!" asked SpongeBob.

[MMM: Are you talking to me?]

[Jjs: Both very good questions that will get likely get disappointing answers.]

[Rusty: Just repeat to yourself, "It's just something stupid, I should really just relax!"]

"Fool...I am not Nylax. This fool has been taken into my grasps!" yelled The Dark Lord in Nylax's body.

[Jjs: That didn’t answer his question on how you’re breathing though, asshole.]

[MMM: Start the "fool" counter?]

[Rusty: I assume this is just Purgatory, while they await their fate.]

He activated the duel.

[Jjs: "Started" would make more sense.]

[Hayden: MURD2AZ.jpg?1&key=00e9a70691d5b1bde52bd2 ]

They began racing.

[Jjs: GO SPEED RACER GO!]

[Rusty: 

]

SpongeBob was on his duel disk (From Mizzak's battle).

[Rusty: Who?]

[Jjs: Kind of pointless to reference Mizzak when nobody reading this right now will even know who that is (they were a Mermaid Man: The Brave and the Bold villain if you care). I don’t care if this spin-off wanted to reference things from my older works, but it could’ve bothered to make them more user friendly.]

"Ah...old times," said SpongeBob as he activated his battle discs.

[Rusty: Old times? Is there something you would like to share with the class, Spongebob?]

[Jjs: Also kind of hard for anyone to care about SpongeBob reminiscing over events in a past spin-off when there was no indication in the beginning this took place after Brave and the Bold, and was only just winged right now. There was seriously zero point in even connecting this to Brave and the Bold. Why did I have to bridge it to another spin-off? I think that’s one of my biggest problems with these Yu-Gi-Oh chapters. I don’t care if you want to parody Yu-Gi-Oh as asinine as it is, but the fact you need to make your character turn out to be the “same SpongeBob” from another spin-off at the last minute (and still doesn’t even make any sense) just goes to show how little faith there was in any of this.]

[MMM: SpongeBob sounds like he's reminiscing about his younger days from many years past, not six months ago.]

[Hayden: ckXFrrq.png&key=09017d354ae169b1620d3d2a]

Nylax revved up his bike using his Lobster Claw and was ahead. He then played out Dark Warrior who had 300 Attack Points.

[Hayden: Spongebob's lighter and thus should be ahead....]

[Rusty: Attack Points? Wow, this is just like Lazer Quest!]

"Who are you?" asked SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Is he asking that to The Dark Lord/Mr. N or the Dark Warrior?]

[Rusty: Imaperson]

"The Dark Lord..."

[Rusty: Oh, so XepherSicarius.]

[Jjs: Let this sink in: SpongeBob SquarePants is about to have a Yu-Gi-Oh duel against a god named “The Dark Lord”, in what was supposed to be a Scooby-Doo spin-off. I know I can’t take this seriously. How about you guys?]

[Hayden: The three dots emphasize how stupid The Dark Lord thinks our hero is. With good reason.]

"What?! How?!" asked SpongeBob.

[Jjs: You see son, when two Dark Lords love each other very much...]

[Rusty: Because he won't reply back to my messages. Also, he doesn't know about PTSD.]

"That Gem the fool found...has my soul in it."

[Rusty: No it doesn't. It's in that person you took over. I.e. THE PERSON YOU'RE IN NOW]

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! Here’s another plot twist I’ve been eagerly awaiting to rip apart. So you mean to tell me Mr. N purposely took that amulet despite knowing The Dark Lord’s soul was inside of it, the very creature he wants to destroy? And probably knew The Dark Lord could corrupt him? That either just makes N a complete idiot, or...and this one makes the most sense...I completely ignored everything about Mr. N in the past 20 chapters with this “twist” due to no planning. But psh, who cares about a consistent story when you got YU-GI-OH WOOHOO!]

Nylax then played out Dark Tiki which had 300 HP as well. 

[Jjs: hoo haw tiki tiki]

[Rusty: HP? This is just like Lazer Quest!]

He then yelled," Now combine together!"

[Jjs: SYNCHRO SUMMON!]

[Rusty: Make your own "Make your own Steven Universe joke" joke, I'm tired.]

They formed Dark Stone Monster, which had 690 HP.

[Rusty: So, they have 690 Hewlett-Packard products? Or maybe 690 bottles of House of Parliament sauce? 690 Horsepower, maybe? Who knows?]

[Jjs: Okay, time out again. “Dark Warrior”? “Dark Tiki”? “Dark Stone Monster”? As dumb as combining Yu-Gi-Oh into a SpongeBob mystery spin-off is, I could’ve at least forgiven it if the gameplay was any interesting. These monster names are just so lazy and uncreative. Just add “dark” to every existing Yu-Gi-Oh card name, why don’tcha?]

[Hayden: He might hurt his image with the other lords if he named them stuff like Fluffy Bunny Warrior or Rainbow Tiki.]

"I end my turn."

[Rusty: But you never started.]

[Jjs: Not even gonna attack? Of course not, that’ll draw this out for two more chapters, which to be fair, is in line with several Yu-Gi-Oh duels.]

[Hayden: From someone who caught enough Yu-Gi-Oh on Kids WB, yeah the duels can drag, unlike fast paced Pokemon battles.]

SpongeBob played out Bubble Bot, which had 50 HP. He put 1 disc face down.

[Jjs: Oh right, instead of cards, they use “discs”...and I'm not really sure how that works, but yeah. Believe in the heart of the discs, SpongeBob.]

[Hayden: I keep wanting to call them cards, can't even parody Yu-Gi-Oh elements I know without confusing me.]

[Rusty: But the laser can't read the OK Go CD then, Spongebob.]

"You are weak, fool!" yelled Nylax.

[Jjs: Damn, I bet that insult did more damage to SpongeBob than his Dark Stone Monster would’ve.]

[Rusty: People being fools? THIS IS JUST LIKE- *gets shot*]

"I defeated a Fish God with my Deck!" he said.

[Jjs: A “Fish God” was another plot element from Brave and the Bold that you guys don’t really need to know about. But wow SpongeBob, you sure are suddenly confident after being a bad mystery solver for 20 straight chapters. Maybe being a Yu-Gi-Oh player is your true calling.]

[Hayden: Spongebob defeated something from the Bible?

http://www.bible-history.com/sketches/ancient/dagon-1.jpg ]

"Ha...The Fish Gods. You know they are a part of Vlazias. 

[Jjs: No, we didn’t, and neither did I. Just a throwaway line that goes completely nowhere.]

[Rusty: No, they're a part of Macedonia.]

They were high ranked members. They then set out to revive the ancient Fish Gods, which were the first stage in The Dark Lord & Light Lord's arrivals.."

[Jjs: UGHHHH. ASS PULL POLICE! Stop with the Mermaid Man: The Brave and the Bold callbacks, just stop. It’s not clever, and it’s making this plot line even more of a confusing mess. None of this was planned from the start, so it’s just extremely forced. Also, why the hell is The Dark Lord even telling SpongeBob this? I know some Yu-Gi-Oh duels have some awkward conversations, but this just feels so out of place.]

[Rusty: I have no idea what's going on here, so have three unpopular opinions of mine: I don't like ugly Christmas sweaters, I don't care for Ghostbusters, and Catalonia isn't Spain.]

"Wait so...they are fish gods?!"

[Rusty: Yes, I think we've established that.]

[Jjs: We all know what the real fish god is:

250px-129Magikarp.png&key=b4b9551a894851 ]

"Correct, Sponge."

[Jjs: For such an evil god, he sure is polite when explaining random exposition.]

[Rusty: Your friend will die.]

SpongeBob gulped, at the fact Nylax has been taken over. 

[Jjs: I’d also be gulping at the fact you’re racing in space against a god who has possessed the guy stalking you for most of the spin-off, but sure.]

[MMM: Thanks for clarifying, I wasn't sure what he was gulping at.]

[Hayden: Maybe he's gulping for the air/water he doesn't have in space.]

[Rusty: Something tells me that Nylax has something stupid tattooed on his butt.]

He continued racing on. SpongeBob looked at the beauty of the planets.

[Jjs: Don’t get too distracted, or you’ll end up falling off track... Actually, do keep looking at the beautiful planets.]

[Rusty: I'd look at the beauty of space too. IF I HAD A FUCKING SPACESUIT!]

[Hayden: Is this track harder than Rainbow Road?

u6YZxkK.jpg?1&key=02cad8241989a214522171 ]

Nylax ordered Dark Stone Monster to destroy Bubble Bot. SpongeBob activated his trap disc, which was "Repel".

[Rusty: Okay, when did Spongebob become Ajit Pai?]

[Jjs: That’s not even a Yu-Gi-Oh card of any kind. Are we bringing Pokemon gameplay into this too? Is SpongeBob trying to protect himself from wild Pokemon in Ultra Space?]

[Hayden: Spongebob always shops at Poke Marts in his free time.]

It caused the Monster's effect to backfire and hit Nylax/Dark Lord. His 4000 points when down to 3980 points.

[MMM: That's went.]

[Jjs: What even was the Dark Stone Monster’s effect? Yeah, even if the optimistic part of me and Yu-Gi-Oh fan I am wanted to find this stuff cool, if the spin-off isn’t going to bother to write compelling gameplay, why should any of us care?]

[Hayden: That also doesn't sound like many points shaved off. Like it was barely even hit.]

[Rusty: wasn't this about solving mysteries]

He played down 2 face down discs.

[Jjs: And I played up two face up discs.]

[Rusty: Okay, now you're messing up my Green Day albums, STOP THAT.]

SpongeBob sent out Spongarillo! It roared, with 3500 HP.

[Jjs: For more clarity, “Spongarillo” was a special duel monster SpongeBob used in Brave and the Bold. More forced connections.]

"I see you possess one of the 5 Hero Forms.." said Nylax/Dark Lord.

[Jjs: I see you still like spewing exposition on another spin-off most people here don’t remember.]

[Rusty: Hero Forms. I have no joke.]

"Yes I do! I will defeat you and save Mr. N with it!" said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: I highly doubt that.]

[Rusty: You will fail.]

[Hayden: SNkjAB6.gif]

"Sure on that?" he laughed.

[Jjs: See, even The Dark Lord doubts him!]

[Rusty: You will also fail.]

[MMM: I'm not sure myself.]

A dark hole began to appear behind their paths. It was black hole.

[Jjs: I thought it was a “dark hole”. The redundant details in this chapter really show I was stretching to make it seem better than it actually was.]

[Rusty: OH REALLY I THOUGHT IT WAS A BLUE HOLE]

"The Loser will be sucked into this creation of mine. Now neither of us will live..."

[Rusty: Wait 3 minutes, and you'll both get sucked into it.]

[Jjs: Wow, I guess even The Dark Lord wants to off himself from this, and I honestly don’t blame him. 

You know...I don’t even know how else to conclude my riffing for this confusing mess of a half-assed episode. So I’ll cap this one off by saying if this spin-off wants to bring up confusing conspiracies with Mr. N's group, I’ll post one of my own conspiracy theories. I finally figured something out:

...This entire spin-off is a lost 4Kids dub. It's official, there's no other way around it.

Seriously. Think about it. The fact this spin-off copied and pasted Scooby-Doo Mystery Incorporated scripts as if it were dubbing them (okay I know Scooby-Doo isn't an anime but let's suspend your disbelief here), but badly botched many details about them in the process? Check. The haphazard and confusing storylines? Check. Plot elements that are glossed over, not explained well, and completely go nowhere? Check. The awkward and hilariously bad lines of dialogue? Check. A random new story winged on the fly that doesn’t blend well with the previous material? Check. References to Pokemon, which had its anime dubbed by 4Kids at one point? Check. And now a parody of Yu-Gi-Oh, which was also dubbed by 4Kids, randomly thrown this? Check. Comparing SpongeBob to Dan Green though is an insult to Dan Green. Still, it makes perfect sense. In fact, I specifically remember Hassan, Ex and I always mocked 4Kids around the time this was written...so maybe it was intentional. All we need now is “finger guns” being pointed at Squidward (Kaiba) and jelly doughnuts. How’s that for an actual cliffhanger.]

[MMM: This was hard to riff because I didn't have a frame of reference for a good amount of stuff. Even without that, this was a baffling and ridiculous episode.]

[Rusty: Oh my god...This is what I'm spending my last few hours of being a minor. Reading bad fanfics. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go and make fun of idiots with "Crazy White Boy" tattoos, because people with those tattoos are idiots who deserve to be laughed at endlessly, and punched in the face.

Yeah, this fanfic is making me talk about politics that isn't related to the story. THAT'S HOW BAD IT IS.]

[Hayden: What kind of villain sets up a situation where if they lose they have no way of escaping a black hole? It's not like Spongebob needed or wanted that bet. Jjs might be right, The Dark Lord's identity is Leo Burnett. Spongebob is going to play a Victreebel disc against him. Can't wait to read the two other parts of this Yu-Gi-Oh trilogy released below, but you won't find me in them because I don't want to duel with more references that I can't talk about. I'll be back for Final Flight, where I'm sure more fuckery with gravity happens. But what happens just happens, and we'll have no control of whether Jjs takes us through time or space.]

22. Phantom Phools:

Spoiler

22. Phantom Phools

[Metal Snake: Such a fitting title for this “epic” part of the story. I’m kidding, I know this whole thing is going to be a joke, so of course a lulzy title suits it.]

[JCM: Phuck this spin-off.]

The duel continued. SpongeBob raced along the spacial track. Nylax/Dark Lord gained speed. Nylax orders Dark Stone Monster to destroy one of SpongeBob's face down discs. SpongeBob counters by using Spongarillo as a shield, negating the attack.

[Metal Snake: Negating what attack? And if Dark Stone Monster had attacked Spongarillo, he would’ve been destroyed and lost Life Points. If you’re going to write Yu-Gi-Oh! duels, at least show that you understand how the game is played.]

[JCM: SpongeBob used one tense. Nylax uses another tense! Which tense will win?]

"Not bad," said Nylax.

"Mr. N, snap out of it. Please...you are being possessed.."

"Fool, Mr. N isn't here!" said Nylax/Dark Lord.

[Metal Snake: Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.]

[JCM: *singing* Believe it or not, N isn't at home, please leave a message at the beep. He must be possessed, or he'd pick up the phone, where could he be? Believe it or not, he's not home.]

Nylax/Dark Lord then revealed his face down disc to be a trap disc.

[Admiral Ackbar: It's a trap!]

"I activate Call of the Dead! I can summon a card to destroy another one. I summon out...Dark Nebula Dragon!"

[Metal Snake: It’s Call of the Haunted, which does not destroy a card, even in the anime where they underpower/overpower certain cards for story and pacing purposes in the duels.]  

Dark Stone Monster was destroyed, bring Nylax/Dark Lord to 2000 points.

[JCM: No, I will not bring Nylax/Dark Lord to 2000 points. You do it yourself.]

[Metal Snake: What...and then Dark Stone Monster dies and damages him like what should’ve happened earlier?! Talk about not even being consistent in your own realm of insanity.]

A giant Dark Cyber like Dragon appeared with 5600 points. He ordered it to attack Spongarillo. It attacked and its HP dropped down.

[JCM: Whose HP? The dragon's or Spongarillo's? ]

It also gets infected with Dark Burn.

[Metal Snake: It got infected with what? In both the actual card game and cartoon, there do exist “virus cards” that “infect” monsters, but it’s all figurative. All they do is destroy monsters, prevent them from attacking, and/or decrease their ATK/DEF power. There are no “status ailments” in Yu-Gi-Oh! like there are in Pokemon.]

"Dark Burn causes Spongarillo to be burned for 4 turns and it can't be healed or upgraded with anything!" he said.

[Metal Snake: …..This. isn’t. POKEMON. Burns? Heals? Upgrades? That’s not Yu-Gi-Oh!, that’s Pokemon. If you want to write a Pokemon spin-off, be my guest. But a Yu-Gi-Oh! spin-off in a Spongebob parody of Scooby-Doo...let that roll off your tongue...that shows that you don’t even understand Yu-Gi-Oh!...come on. Just come on, man…]

SpongeBob is brought down to 3400 points as a result of a counter attack of Spongarillo trying to shake it off.

[Metal Snake: *chuckles* Pfft...don’t you dare make me reference Taylor Swift.]

[JCM: Look what you almost made Metal Snake do.]

SpongeBob then summons out Bubble King which is a formation of bubbles with a face and a crown. It has 2670 HP.

[JCM: Strangely specific number.]

"Bubble King has an effect! It can heal any burns of any type!" said SpongeBob.

[Metal Snake: Don’t feel the burn, heal the burn!]

It launches bubbles at it and the burn goes away. Spongarillo is cured.

[JCM: Didn't Nylax just say the burn can't be cured with anything? He understands the game almost as poorly as I do.]

Nylax/Dark Lord slams his fin onto the disc.

[Metal Snake: And ended up breaking it. That’ll learn ya to control your temper.]

He is angered and plays out a Spell disc.

[Metal Snake: And while we’re on the subject, why do they use discs instead of cards? I’ve heard of “they all upgraded to DVD” but this is ridiculous. For real, even in Yu-Gi-Oh! fucking VRAINS, the latest generation of Yu-Gi-Oh!, the characters still use actual playing cards.]

He actives "O Ring."

[JCM:  Can you passive "O Ring"?]

"This disc allows me to power up any of the 3 Phantom Gods and to summon them. I summon Dark Time Phantom Vix!" he yelled.

[Metal Snake: The three Phantom Gods? You mean the three Phantom Demons/Sacred Beasts? Which are based off the three Egyptian God cards? Yu-Gi-Oh! has so many cards that have “dark” and “phantom” in their names and are related to gods that you need to put effort into setting apart the cards you’re making up from them.]  

He threw its disc onto his dark battle disc and its card appeared. It went flying through the O ring and was summoned. It was a phantom with 2 clocks on its shoulders and a dark purple face. It also had a time staff. It has a whopping total of 5000 HP.

[JCM: A total so whopping that Burger King had to trademark it.]

"Just as powerful as the hero forms.." said SpongeBob. "But is it powerful enough?"

[Metal Snake: Vintage 4Kidz dialogue. And what hero forms? Are we bringing the Elemental Heroes into this now? Because E-Hero decks are still powerful enough to win tournaments if that’s what you’re asking.]

SpongeBob sent 2 discs to the graveyard in order to summon out Bubbletron.He then combined it and Bubble King together to form...Bubble Robot Destroyer! It has 4100 HP.

[Metal Snake: Oh yeah, and it’s ATK, not HP.]

[JCM: You're telling me HP means health points and not hit points?]

It growled. SpongeBob ordered it to attack Vix. It managed to inflict damage onto it. Vix then used its special effect, time rewind. His points go back to normal and Bubble Robot Destroyer is turned to defense mode.

[Metal Snake: STILL NOT AS BROKEN AS SACRED PHOENIX OF NEPHTHYS]

"See how clever I am?" smirked Nylax/Dark Lord.

He then summoned out Dark Space Phantom Ntoi.

[JCM: Ntoi as in "Not oiven gonna try to pronounce that."]

It went through the O ring and appeared with 5000 HP. It was a phanom

[JCM: gotta catch em all cause he's dany phanom]

with dark spikes on its shoulders and with flames on them. It has 2 giant purple shoes and 2 swords.

[Metal Snake: Holy shit, forget the swords, what really intimidates me about that monster is the shoes. I’m worried it might dance me to death!]

"But that isn't all! I play out Dark Phantom Call! I can summon Dark God Phantom Qeuren!"

[Metal Snake: What a queer name.]

[JCM: I feel like that u and e were switched specifically to give me a harder time pronouncing that. I wasn't on SBC yet? Doesn't matter. jjs had no idea who I was at the time? Doesn't matter.]

The space started shaking. A giant phantom appeared with a golden crown and beard. It had a blue and green eye. Its cloak was golden and it had a giant golden sword.

[JCM: That phantom apparently likes the color gold.]

"With all 3 together...I am unstoppable!" he yelled.

[Metal Snake: *lightning strikes him*]

SpongeBob then ordered Spongarillo to attack Vix. It successfully destroyed it.

"Fool! It comes back to life since the other 2 are on the field!" Vix appeared yet again.

SpongeBob was in a tight situation.

[JCM: "SpongeBob's Tight Situation" happens to be the name of my newest SpongeBob slashfic.]

The dark hole was still behind them. He was scared, but kept racing on.

[Metal Snake: Outrunning a black hole. ...Well, good luck with that.]

"Scared yet? We can easily end this," said Dark Lord.

"I..will rescue Mr. N!" said a determined SpongeBob.

[JCM: I...am not reading this anymore!]

[Metal Snake: Good luck with that too. Overall, holy shit. Giving this the most objective and fair look I possibly could, it was still mediocre. The plot and character dialogue was generic, the pacing was worse than sluggish, it was stagnant because nothing happened other than a duel, and the duel...wow. As a huge Yu-Gi-Oh! fan, I was fascinated by how bad it was, just like I expected. Use real cards, use fictional cards, I don’t care so long as I can follow what’s going on. This duel, however, is not engaging in the least because it doesn’t follow anything that makes Yu-Gi-Oh! duels fun to watch in the cartoons and comics. There’s no suspense, no interesting character interactions, it’s just “MY MONSTER DESTROYS THIS, I SUMMON THIS, BLAH BLAH”. I would not be so harsh if I saw an honest effort, but I’ll leave it at that because I know Jjs has a lot to say next time, I at least got some fun shits and giggles out of it, and I want to save the rest of my critique for the finale.]

23. Dark Falls:

Spoiler

23. Dark Falls:

[Jjs: DarknessDG falls down a bunch of stairs while the Grim Reaper plays unfitting music.]
[OMJ: Did you not have the budget to afford the "-ness" there? Oh look, following Nylax's "epic" transformation, this spinoff itself has also transformed since I was last here! Jjs has pulled out his ass pull card and he's put it in defense mode to save this spinoff from dying a more reasonable, dignified death.]

SpongeBob was stuck. He didn't know what to do.

[Jjs: I'd say phone a friend, but I don't think we need to bring Who Wants to be a Millionaire into this either.]
[OMJ: Time to somehow connect this with Scooter's Paradise!]

Nylax/Dark Lord

[Jjs: We know The Dark Lord is possessing Mr. N, stop with the pointless handholding, dammit.]

had all 3 Phantom Gods on the field. What could he do to defeat them?

[Jjs: Since this is still a 4Kids dub, I'm just gonna imagine Rodger Parsons is doing this narration. Makes the spin-off a lot more amusing.]
[OMJ: It's Yugioh, I'm sure he'll pull something out his ass.]

If he defeated one, it would revive.

[OMJ: GET ON THE HYDRA'S BACK!]

"I place down 2 face down discs and end my turn!" said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: And I place up two face up discs-hey wait a minute, deja vu. Make more varied dialogue, dammit. Well whatever his "strategy" is, I hope it has more thought than what was put into these last stretch of chapters.]

"There is nothing you can do now to defeat me, SpongeBob!" Dark Lord said.

[Jjs: Ah, the classic villain gloating. Wouldn't be a Yu-Gi-Oh duel without it.]

"No! SpongeBob, you can do it! Summon.."

[Jjs: Wait...what? Who is saying this? Is being in space making SpongeBob hear voices inside of his head?]

"Nylax? Hah! You have no control. Your resistance is weak," he said.

[Jjs: Oh, okay. Mr. N is somehow speaking to SpongeBob in his head. More sloppy 4Kids dub dialogue.]
[OMJ: If only Nylax were a fighting-type.]

Nylax ordered Vix to attack directly,

[OMJ: Thanks, I needed that. Felt a bit a cold coming on there.]

 but SpongeBob activated his trap disc.

"I play Wasteland Product!

[Jjs: Accurate name for this spin-off.]
[OMJ: Don't insult the wasteland, jjs.]

This trap disc allows me to use 300 of my Life Points to use any monster of my field to automatically attack directly!"

[OMJ: At least Yugioh wasn't that stingy with its life point sacrifices.]

SpongeBob's life points went down to 2060. Spongarillo still attacked Nylax/Dark Lord directly, bringing him down to 2030 life points.

[Jjs: I know Yu-Gi-Oh has some weird ass rules here and there, but I'm pretty sure he should've lost A LOT more life points than that. But eh, who cares seeing as this is the last Yu-Gi-Oh chapter. Also, I love how only NOW did I properly call them "life points" instead of hit points, at the end of the Yu-Gi-Oh arc.]

"Gah...not bad."

[OMJ: Quite charitable, really.]

"But that is not all!

[Jjs: Why the hell weren't these combined into one line of dialogue? Also, is The Dark Lord a salesman now?]
[Dark Lord: I'll double the offer! That's right, you'll get two direct attacks for the price of just 300 life points! You won't get ass pulls like this anywhere else!]

I active my spell disc, which is Magical Void!

[Jjs: Got that, everyone? I ACTIVE MY SPELL DISC!]

This allows me to make one of your monsters get trapped into a vortex, which cancels out all of their effects. It also allows me to summon a monster! I put the vortex around Vix and summon Bubble Robot Destroyer! Now, attack directly at Ntoi!"

[Jjs: Honestly, I want to be invested in this, but I just can't. The writing of this "duel" is just so sloppy and doesn't even seem to care about describing any of the gameplay whatsoever.]
[OMJ: And my brain is officially broked.]

Spongarillo attacked her, destroying her.

[Jjs: RIP her]
[OMJ: A lil too late to be wanting to assign genders to these blandly named unisex monsters now.]

Because of Vix being stuck, she could not be revived.

[Jjs: Hey, could it be...some actual clever Yu-Gi-Oh-esque gameplay!? Better late than never.]

Nylax/Dark Lord slammed his fin on the disc.

[Jjs: What did that poor disc to you, douche?]
[OMJ: And now your disc can't be read.]

He then played down a face down disc and ordered Queren to attack Spongarillo.

"Fell right into my trap!

[Jjs: Activated his trap card...er, disc.]
[OMJ: Closest thing to Scooby-Doo that this chapter is probably gonna get.]

Bubble Robot Monster has an effect where it can sacrifice itself to save another!" said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: How awfully convenient. :bruh: 

It jumped in the way and got destroyed, bringing SpongeBob down to 1200 points.

[Jjs: RIP Bubble Robot Monster (seriously that name though lol), what a brave American hero. Your sacrifice will never be forgotten. *salutes*]

"Give up now, please," said Dark Lord.

[Dolan: SPONGEBOB PLS]
[OMJ: Who's even the real bad guy here?]

SpongeBob ordered Spongarillo to attack directly at Vix in the vortex, which destroys it.

"But how?!" said Dark Lord.

"The player can defeat the monster they put the vortex around. Look who's smart now!" he said.

[Jjs: Congrats kid, you know how to play Yu-Gi-Oh. I'm sure it'll get you far in life.]
[OMJ: Who needs a college degree when you can just be good at children's card games.]

"Now, I play out Ice Shell which allows me to turn Spongarillo into its ultimate form...Ice Spongarillo!" said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: REALLY? A supreme power-up for SpongeBob's ace card is that easily found in his disc deck? Even I know Yu-Gi-Oh ace cards don't get their power-ups that easily...oh whatever, just whatever. I'd say this is pretty bullshit and another ass pull, but whatever gets this duel over with, who am I to fucking complain.]
[OMJ: Tell that to Gearfried the Swordmaster.]

It turned into its ultimate form which its ice shell back and larger form.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: had an ice shell back]

It roared with 4000 points. He ordered it to attack Queren.

[Jjs: I thought it was "Qeuren". I couldn't even keep my own ridiculous names consistent for more than one chapter, impressive.]
[OMJ: I'm sure that's a record somewhere.]

Queren defended itself, but it was destroyed, causing a huge explosion over the field.

[Jjs: What, now we're going to reference Michael Bay movies too?]
[OMJ: Don't give yourself any ideas.]

Dark Lord's life points go down to 0.

[OMJ: I'm not even sure if that should be correct or not.]

"NOOOOOOO!" he yellled.

[Jjs: Yelled it so loud he needed three l's to get it across. Losing a Yu-Gi-Oh duel is serious business.]
[OMJ: As if all those O's weren't already enough.]

Dark Lord broke out Nylax's body, defeated. Nylax returned normal.

[OMJ: Couldn't even mind crush him first?]
[Jjs: So defeating The Dark Lord in a Yu-Gi-Oh duel is what does him in? That's pretty damn lame. Some powerful "lord" he is. I thought he could only be defeated with Neptune's trident? Oh, whatever, just whatever.]

"Nylax, grab my hand!" said a worried SpongeBob.

[Jjs: I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAAAND]
[OMJ: OH NO, NOT THE DARK BLACK HOLE THAT WON'T ACTUALLY HURT HIM! Abridged references.]

Nylax's bike was disappearing into nothing and he said," No. Go on."

[Jjs: Wow, even Mr. N wants to off himself from this spin-off.]
[OMJ: That bike must've really meant a lot to him. *tears*]

"But why? We need y-" He was cut off.

[Jjs: I think you only really need the triden-]
[OMJ: Oh thank Neptune, more death!]

"You defeated the Dark Lord. That is something.

[Jjs: Yes, yes it is.]
[OMJ: Not even the story can give two shits about this "huge" development.]

Now, go defeat the Light Lord and release the kids!" he said.

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! How does Light Lord have the old Mystery Inc if The Dark Lord was the one who attacked them?! Did The Dark Lord dying trade them to The Light Lord or something?]
[OMJ: Must've betted custody over them on that duel.]

His bike disappeared and he began to fly into the black hole.

[OMJ: I feel worse for the bike.]

[Jjs: Same here. I honestly feel more for the bike than either SpongeBob, Dark Lord or Mr. N. Biggest emotional attachment in this whole arc.]

"GO!" he yelled.

[Jjs: Undersea Mysteries Incorporated GO!: The whacky, more lighthearted and comedic spin-off of the spin-off. Coming never.]

His dark gem was broken, so he couldn't transform into his mutant form.

[Jjs: And the point of this mutant form, or why he even took the dark gem despite knowing it could corrupt him, will never be explained.]
[OMJ: Well I learned nothing.]

SpongeBob picked up the speed and the stage was vanishing.

[Jjs: Stage? I thought they were on a path of light? Is the spin-off so sloppy it can't even keep a consistent setting anymore?]
[OMJ: At least he made sure to pick up the speed. Neptune knows we need it.]

Nylax went flying into the hole.

[Jjs: Wait...is this chapter titled "Dark Falls" because Mr. N fell into a dark hole? Aha, I see you spin-off!]
[OMJ: Wouldn't it be Dark Flies?]

"MR. N!!!!!!" he yelled. It was too late.

[Jjs: ...oh go fuck yourself spin-off. This is not even close to "emotional" at all. I felt nothing during this. This "death" was a reference to Bruno dying in Yu-Gi-Oh 5D's, but Yusei and Bruno, the characters I was basing this off of, had an actual friendship established prior. SpongeBob shouldn't even be that attached to Mr. N at all. What a lame attempt at being dramatic, and that's saying something since I've seen quite a lot of lousy attempts at "drama" from many things riffed here.]
[OMJ: He shouldn't be this emotional, he's still not even on a first name basis with the guy.]

SpongeBob arrived back where they started.

[OMJ: No, not chapter one! Anything but a time loop!]
[Jjs: Just like that.]

"What happened?" asked Sablado.

[Jjs: Mr. N and The Dark Lord died in a Yu-Gi-Oh duel (even though this was supposed to be a Scooby-Doo spin-off), as ridiculous as that sounds. There's your CliffNotes on what you missed for the past three wastes of chapters, Sablado.]
[OMJ: Not just any Yu-Gi-Oh duel, a Yu-Gi-Oh 5D's duel.]

SpongeBob explained to them everything.

[Jjs: Just sum up these three pointless Yu-Gi-Oh chapters in a five word sentence, nice. Even the spin-off just wants to move on from them already and forget they happened.]
[OMJ: Sandy_FMG_in_Christmas_Who.gif&key=aa898

dY-qx8.gif&key=a3c88ece85b8ba7e953849625 ]

"That's terrible!" said Aradios.

[Jjs: See, even one of Mr. N's henchmen agrees how terrible this spin-off has become!]
[OMJ: Time to say Aradios amigo. Heheh! Too soon?]

"But, we can still defeat the Light Lord. The Dark Lord is nothing now."

[Jjs: Who even said this? The rushing is becoming more and more obvious the further we get.]

[OMJ: Well, given that my Organization XIII theory was given some credibility fairly recently, there probably is a Nothing Lord now if Kingdom Hearts logic is anything to go by.]

Spongebob looked at the sky in sadness.

[Jjs: Seriously, why the fuck does SpongeBob even care Mr. N is dead? They only worked together for like two chapters, and before then he was kinda sorta their enemy. I really feel like I skipped out on a bunch of episodes that could've been used to develop Mr. N better, and considering how this spin-off is a 4Kids dub, that wouldn't surprise me.]
[OMJ: Just had to push the game and those new character designs for Nylax, The Dark Lord and Biker SpongeBob to propel merchandise sales.]

"Cheer up, he might not be gone for sure," said Aradios.

[Jjs: Nah, he is gone for sure. Even Mr. N wanted out of this spin-off, and I honestly don't blame him.]
[OMJ: Just say Aradios, amigo.]

"Your right," said an encouraged SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Glad to see SpongeBob got over the death of Mr. N so easily even though he shouldn't have cared that much to begin with. These past three chapters were major wastes of time and gave this spin-off even more of an identity crisis. There was literally no good reason to bring Yu-Gi-Oh into this (especially with the pointless and forced connections to Brave and the Bold) other than me trying to cash in on Brave and the Bold's duel format, and the gameplay was just not interesting whatsoever. None of this Yu-Gi-Oh stuff even plays into the last three chapters in any way, making it that pointless in the grand scheme. I think I was possibly considering doing more of these duels in Season 2, but boy am I VERY glad Season 2 did not pan out if these chapters were any indication. Really, what did any of these three accomplish other than pointless Yu-Gi-Oh and Brave and the Bold references? I could've offed The Dark Lord and Mr. N in a more satisfying way, or have used these three for oh, I don't know, something that would've helped this whole plot make sense. At least Mr. N doesn't have to be in this anymore, despite leaving many confusing questions behind that'll never get answered. I guess if you try to look at these chapters as possibly unintentional sly parodies of 4Kids' Yu-Gi-Oh dubs (and honestly, maybe they were?), they might be kind of "amusing", but it still doesn't excuse how these waste three slots on what could've been used for anything else. Even if I was truly trying to mock 4Kids, I could've done a hell of a lot better job since those dubs are a goldmine of material. Yeah, I think "lazy, dull and pointless" are the best ways to describe these past three rides. The good news is, we're done with these pointless Yu-Gi-Oh chapters. The bad news is, there's still three more to go. And in worse news, 4Kids is still dubbing this trainwreck til' the end. But OMJ is one lucky lucky luck boy since this was his last one. Can this spin-off end the season on any form of a redeeming note? Sadly...no, not like it's a surprise. Somehow, if you can believe this either, the end feels even lazier and duller than these Yu-Gi-Oh chapters along with everything leading up to them. Lord (hehe) help me.]
[OMJ: Yeah, I'm not sure if I could sum things up here better than that. I'm sure Luke will add on his trademark expert two cents to this episode later in his comment below, so with that, I must bid this spinoff adieu, in what could very well be my last riff in this series. Undersea Mysteries Incorporated, I barely knew ye then, small kine regret changing that now, but it was a turbulent ride while it lasted for me. What more could you ask from riffing material. Aradios, amigos!]

7 riffs remain overall (3 from USMI, 4 from the final project).

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*SNAPS FINGERS*

I finally got it! I finally got how this all ties in with a Scooby-Doo parody! You weren't just making fun of 4Kidz...you were also making fun of Hanna-Barbara! Yeah, their shameless selling out time and time again with Scooby-Doo. The same way you brought in Yu-Gi-Oh! at the last minute to tie it in with your biggest name at the time, The Brave and the Bold, was a subtle joke on the fact that Hanna-Barbara would always make pointless crossovers to keep Scooby-Doo "relevant", like Scooby-Doo Meets Batman! Of course! :D

I hope that's good enough for my regular trademark two cents comment. XD

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Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

24. Journey To The Castle

Spoiler

24. Journey To The Castle

[Jjs: Well I can tell you guys right off the bat this is another very misleading title, because there's barely a "journey" at all in this. Already off to a great start for the penultimate chapter.]

[Teenj: I'm just gonna pretend the title says "Journey to the end of this spin-off".]

[MMM: Alright, let's get this over with.]

[Rusty: Oh boy, this sounds like it's gonna be fun! /s]

Squidward, Sandy, Patrick and Gary met up with SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Noticing someone missing? No Sammy anywhere in sight, it seems. That just makes his return in 20 even more pointless.]

[Rusty: Padding.]

He explained to them what happened.

[Jjs: Just like that. You know...I don't have a problem with works summarizing events in one sentence for time, but here it's very jarring. The fact you just shrug off those wastes of Yu-Gi-Oh chapters with "what happened", and only that, just goes to show pointless they were in the grand scheme of things. Especially when none of the rest of the main cast react.]

[Teenj: I'm already done, lol. After everything from the last few chapters, somehow this was the best line of dialogue to describe it all.]

[Rusty: Gosh! She's talking about the writing!]

"Gosh, that is terrible!" said Sandy.

[MMM: You said it.]

[Jjs: Yup, so terrible that apparently Sandy is the only one with any reaction at all! Goes to show further how rushed the last half was. Although to be fair, in Patrick and Squidward's defenses, they shouldn't care Mr. N died considering he sent his henchmen to personally attack them. So maybe their lack of response was intentional.]

[Teenj: I mean, someone still died. You'd think they'd have something to say.]

"It is. But we must continue on!" said an encouraged SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Even SpongeBob is ready to just end this shit.]

[Teenj: I'm with him. Let's get to the end of this already.]

[Rusty: YES END END

]

The castle was starting to appear.

[Rusty: But the bathrooms hadn't been completed!]

[Jjs: I thought it had been appearing for five straight chapters now. That castle needs to make up its mind.]

[MMM: It's gotta be a different castle every time or something.]

The Light Lord could be seen from the top of it. It was like The Dark Lord, but lighter and calmer. It had a horn on its head.

[MMM: Superb description.]

[Rusty: The good lord wouldn't allow this to exist. Guess I'm an atheist now.]

[Jjs: So The Light Lord is a lighter basilisk with wings, BUT to make him stand out more, he has a horn on his head? Gotcha.]

[Teenj: Image result for confused gif ]

"Uh Oh! It's coming!" said Patrick.

[Jjs: Hard to tell, since that castle has been "coming" since 19, and seems to keep backtracking its progress every time.]

[Teenj: Procrastination, it happens to everyone. Even castles.]

[Rusty: Must be Sir Lancelot.

 

]

"Okay, so how do you propose we get there?" asked an annoyed Squidward.

[Jjs: With "The Light Bridge", however the hell that works, but I don't blame Squidward for forgetting about it. Or maybe Mr. N and SpongeBob just never told the others about it, and I don't blame them either.]

[Rusty: Steal from Jay Leno.]

"The bridge," said Sablado.

[Jjs: Hopefully Chris Christie doesn't shut it down.]

[Chris Christie: Don't give me any ideas.

Image result for chris christie beach]

"Oh yes, the bridge you told us about. So uh..how does it appear?" he asked.

[Jjs: Wait, you mean Mr. N didn't even tell them how the bridge appears? What an asshole.]

[Teenj: Shh, shh. We don't speak ill of the dead.]

[Rusty: Just elect someone who isn't Chris Christie.]

"When the Light Lord notices us as good people, he will shine a bridge down upon us."

[Jjs: So only The Light Lord can make the bridge appear? And the Phantom Trinity apparently knew this the WHOLE TIME, presuming it's one of them saying this? Would've been a lot helpful if they had told them that during the waste of a chapter that was 20.

Also, what the hell is even meant by "he will shine a bridge down upon us"? Why not just say "He'll make the bridge appear"? Either someone's trying way too hard to sound artsy, or this is 4Kids' dialogue at work once more. Seriously though, good lord (haha), proofreading.]

[MMM: That's just pretty stupid...not much else I can say.]

[Rusty: So it will never appear. Thanks Ch-*gets tackled by the entire state of New Jersey*]

"GO AWAY YOU BEASTS! I MUST SETTLE THE SCORE WITH MY BROTHER!" boomed The Light Lord.

[Jjs: Except your brother is dead. Shouldn't you know that, almighty one?]

[Teenj: He's just as confused as this spin-off.]

[Rusty: He's in the denial phase. Still.]

[MMM: ALL CAPS YELLING!]

"Yeah..he sure notices us as good," said Squidward.

[Jjs: Well considering your competence in this spin-off, I don't blame him for not noticing. :bruh: ] 

"I didn't want to result to this, but we have to sneak in now." Sablado said.

[Jjs: As if you've never snuck around, slim shady.]

"...How?" asked Squidward.

"Jump."

[MMM: Might as well.]

[Rusty: How does Jump Rope go into this?]

The gang went to the highest cliff possible.

[Jjs: RIP everyone. Wow, I have to surprisingly give this spin-off some credit. Having the cast jump off a cliff to their deaths is a pretty ballsy move. This spin-off will forever be remembered for this risky but brave action. Sadly, if only that was what actually happened, because what happens instead is...yikes.]

[Teenj: Lol, I would of had no qualms if this was literally the ending.]

"I am afraid of heights!" said Patrick.

[Rusty: Then die.]

"Well, it is now or never!" said Loki.

They all began to jump. Gary managed to stick to the wall.

[Jjs: ....what.]

He slowly slid down.

[Jjs: ....Huh?!]

[Rusty: Oh hey, Gary was a Deus Ex Machina this whole time!]

[Teenj: Image result for what confused gif]

SpongeBob grabbed onto him.

[Jjs: ...Are you fucking kidding me!? What the actual hell was that? Jumping off a CLIFF made them reach a castle in THE SKY?! Not only is that physically impossible, but it also made their whole "searching for the bridge" quest entirely POINTLESS. HOORAY! Yup, more clear rushing. I call major BULLSHIT POLICE.]

[MMM: Did someone say anticlimax?]

Patrick and Aradios fell.

[Jjs: ...sucks.]

[Rusty: Good job following my orders, rubber drones.]

"Owww," said Aradios.

[Teenj: Owww indeed.]

[MMM: Falling off a cliff will do that to ya.]

[Rusty: Never mind. You drones suck.]

"Come on!" said Sandy.

"No, go on without us!" said Aradios as he checked on Patrick.

[Jjs: I'm sure his iron ass broke the fall, he'll be fine.]

"The castle looks like a burger..." Patrick said.

[Rusty: But I hate Burger King.]

[Jjs: I'm just going to imagine the castle is actually shaped like a burger from here on in.]

[Teenj: ^Makes as much sense as anything else in this spin-off, so...]

"Yeah, go on without us," said Aradios.

[Jjs: Well it was nice not knowing you, Ariados Aradios.]

"Are you sure?" yelled down Sandy.

"Yes."

[MMM: Well then.]

[Rusty: Oh, they'll starve to death. Good job, drones.]

The gang climbed up to the entrance.

"Well...we're here." Squidward said.

[Jjs: In the most impossibly idiotic way possible, but yes, yes you are.]

"Don't fall for its trick easily. This place is filled with traps," said Loki.

[Jjs: Well at least The Light Lord decided to setup some Scooby-Doo traps. I'll give him some credit for bothering to keep the remains of the Scooby-Doo theme in this spin-off, since heaven forbid anything Scooby-Doo related since chapter 17 is a rarity.]

[Teenj: Lol, for a minute, even I was forgetting this was a 'Scooby Doo-based' spin-off.]

[Rusty: Thanks, Fred Jones.]

They began to walk in. The tiles began to glow and disappear!

[Jjs: OOOH SCARY]

[MMM: !!!!!!!!]

[Rusty: AND THEN TICKS THAT MAKE YOU ALLERGIC TO MEAT

THERE ARE ACTUALLY TICKS LIKE THAT I HATE TICKS SO MUCH]

"Watch out!" cried Sandy. Squidward fell through and landed down with Patrick and Aradios.

[Jjs: Poor Squidward. Looks like he got kicked out of being involved in the finale. Good for him, tbh. Now he can finally go home and relax from this nonsense.]

[Rusty: I am not making a suicide joke.]

"3 down...5 to go," said Light Lord.

[Rusty: EAT THEM]

They continued walking on.

[Rusty: Because yeah, fuck the squid.]

[Jjs: So nobody even reacted to Squidward falling, or made sure he landed safely? Assholes.]

A bunch of passages appeared.

[Teenj: Because of course.]

"Which way do we go?" asked SpongeBob.

[MMM: The fork on the left?]

[Rusty: The way of the Purple Toupee.]

"Right." Sablado said.

"Are you sure?" asked Loki.

"Honestly...no," he said.

[Jjs: That's reassuring.]

[Teenj: At least he was honest, lol.]

[MMM: I don't even know what to say to that.]

[Rusty: HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

You're fucking dead. Idiot.]

"Well..it doesn't hurt to try," said Sandy.

[MMM: That's the spirit.]

They went through.

[Jjs: I'm on the edge of my seat.]

[Teenj: The expense is killing me. No, literally.]

Nothing happened yet.

[MMM: Wowww.]

[Jjs: Accurate.]

[Teenj: Truest statement in this entire spin-off.]

Just then, the torches on the walls began to make a wall of fire!

[Rusty: Oh, that's what happens when The Statue gets you high.]

Sablado walked through it.

[Rusty: yesssssss]

[Jjs: Fish sticks here, get your fish sticks!]

"No!" yelled Sandy.

[Rusty: YEESSSSSSS]

[Jjs: Are SpongeBob or Gary or Loki going to have any reactions to someone being in danger, because I feel Sandy is going to lose her voice if she keeps yelling "No!" at this rate.]

"It-It's an illusion!" he said. He was fine.

[Jjs: Well fuck me, there goes any suspense.]

[Teenj: As if this episode had any to begin with.]

They walked through and felt nothing.

[Teenj: Same, same, same.]

[MMM: Well it was an illusion.]

[Rusty: FIRE FIRE FIREEEE Whoa....when did I turn into Beavis?

Maybe this therapy I'm getting for my PTSD is causing something else... Something..word salad-y.]

"Drat," said Light Lord.

[Jjs: Those meddling kids (not really), Organization XIII members, and their stupid snail!]

They then walked out and came across a ledge! Sablado fell off!

[Jjs: Wah wah wah.]

[Rusty: Thank you.]

Sandy grabbed onto him.

[Rusty: Bitch.]

"Let go," he said.

[Rusty: Yessssss]

"No!"

[Teenj: K, this has officially become her catchphrase.]

[Rusty: YESSSSSSSSS]

"You must, you can go on without me," he said as he let go.

[Jjs: Goodbye Sablado. Even he didn't want to be a part of the finale, and I don't blame him either.]

[Teenj: Lol, he literally didn't even let Sandy try and save him.]

We see Squidward, Patrick, Aradios and Sablado looking at them.

[MMM: I don't see that.]

[Rusty: And then they burned. The end. Play Ana Ng and What To Do so I can get out of here.]

[Jjs: I kind of love how these four got specifically excluded from the final battle. It's like I was throwing darts at a board of characters for who to kick off, and only landed on these four. So congratulations Squidward, Patrick, Aradios, and Sablado. You four are forbidden from participating in the finale since the author chose you lucky saps.]

"Meow.." Gary said.

[Rusty: *space fox noises*]

[Jjs: Probably the most intelligent line of this chapter, if we're being honest.]

[MMM: Poetry.]

"It will be okay," SpongeBob said.

[MMM: I wouldn't go that far.]

[Rusty: Hahahahahah nope.]

[Jjs: Yeah, the finale will be even more tensionless than this chapter if you can believe it, so everything will be okay.]

They walked back and went to the left passage. A bunch of Ghosts appeared.

[Rusty: OOOOOH SPOOOOOOOOKY]

[Jjs: Spooky. At least there's another thing keeping whatever remains of the "Scooby-Doo theme".]

"They are illusions!" Loki said. They ignored the ghosts.

[Jjs: You know, if The Light Lord wants them the fuck out of his castle so bad, why is he only taunting them with harmless illusions?]

[Teenj: I don't know, The Light Lord doesn't know, and hell - this show doesn't know either.]

[Rusty: Hahahahaha. Fucking wuss.

(god what am I becoming)]

The ghosts still began to bug them, but Sandy grabbed a torch and threw it at the ground. A wall of fire appeared, scaring them off.

[Jjs: Oh, so that wall of fire works, but The Light Lord's doesn't?!]

[Rusty: QUICK, GET THE PEOPLE WHO FELL OFF]

They appeared at a set of 2 big doors. There was 2 large statues between it. They seemed to represent the Dark Lord and Light Lord.

[Jjs: From the way that's worded, it sounds like the statues are literally in-between the two doors, as if they're blocking them. Good luck getting in at all now.]

[MMM: Well, things are never what they seem.]

Rusty: I'm an agnostic again.]

"That was quick," said Sandy.

[Jjs: *wink wink nudge nudge*]

"Are you guys ready?" asked Loki.

[Jjs: If you're asking me, nope.]

[Teenj: I'm more than ready to get this over with.]

[Rusty: AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE AYE]

"Yes," said SpongeBob.

They opened the doors.

[Rusty: And they died.]

[Jjs: What a tensionless and lazy as hell chapter. Yeah, this is another one clearly showing how rushed the end was. I get this is "setup" for the finale, but...it felt like nothing really happened? It just felt like this chapter drunkenly sauntered itself along, which is the best way to describe it. This chapter felt extremely drunk, sloppy, and lacked a proper flow. I really think this one had a bit too much alcohol. Jokes aside, the gang getting to the castle felt very lazy and their trip through the castle felt just as disappointing. I mean, you're really going to lead into the season finale with "They opened the doors"? How thrilling...not. I really could've just done this all in the season finale, not as the "setup" chapter. It feels like I had no clue what to do with this chapter, and just rushingly moved the "plot" along even if it felt underwhelming. But I knew I had zero viewers left by this point, so I stopped caring. And that lack of care continues into the finale...boy, I'm going to warn you guys. The finale may be one of the worst, laziest, inconclusive, and most rushed things on SBC. Brace yourselves.]

[Teenj: Yeah, if this chapter was anything to go by, I'll expect the finale to be even worse.]

[MMM: If I had to use one word to describe this episode, I wouldn't do it because it would be a waste of a word. While I guess there were things that happened, it didn't feel like so, like nothing was accomplished.]

[Rusty: WELL, this chapter was horrible. And special. Special because, well, this is my last riff on this show. Yeah, I know I spoiled it earlier on this chapter, but yeah. This is my last riff, and I am hereby retiring.  Mainly because, well, this show is ending anyway, and I'm sure as hell not gonna be there for the final riff, my schedule will not allow it. HECK, it takes me at least 2 weeks to write these. And that's mainly because I have school, and I'm so mentally drained most of the time that I just can't work on these. Plus, speaking of my mental state, as you would've seen, I think I'm starting to go a bit unstable and it's starting to become a big word salad. I'm currently going through rapid-eye movement reprocessing therapy, and it's making a big difference. Killing my PTSD is good, but I think it's starting to let loose something else...

Anyway, I would like to thank JJS for letting me riff this, and I'll never forget my riffs on the Parallel Universe, and Eddsworld. 

And if there is another riffing show in the future, I'll be there. Please be patient.]

 

Edited by jjsthekid
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Wonderful pre-finale. An homage to Indiana Jones that shows what Indiana Jones would be like if you took away everything that made it good. I'm going to take them constantly falling down and having to fight off illusions as symbolic. They don't care how many things this show gets wrong at this point, they're just trying to get to the end as quick as possible without having to convince themselves that this show is good.

 

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USMI finally comes to an end.

Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

25. & 26. Final Flight

Spoiler

25/26. Final Flight (Parts 1 & 2):

[Jjs: We're at the end of USMI, ladies and gentlemen. It's kind of hard to believe, but I can't wait to bury this horrible work of mine. We also start off with some more awkwardness. This finale was supposed to be a two-parter...and it still is...sort of. But due to my laziness, and wanting to end this already, this finale ends up being the length of just one chapter. It's literally two chapters condensed into one. Whoops. Yes, even the finale ended up being rushed. That should just be telling how weak and unsatisfying this is going to be. Fasten your seat belts and brace yourselves passengers, this is going to be one terrible flight.]

[SOF: I'm fine with getting this story done with sooner. After what happened in the past four chapters (seriously, Yu-Gi-Oh?) and everything else in this spin-off, I'm putting my expectations below zero. I just hope I don't get air sickness.]

[Katniss: After reading the last few chapters and seeing the bizarre turn this story has taken, I'm glad this is the final flight. Can't say I'm looking forward to it though. And we don't even get good snacks. :( 

[Metal Snake: What do you mean they ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts? :( ]  

[Teenj: Welp, here we are. Good to know this isn't gonna be the length of two chapters. I really don't think I can take much more of... whatever this became, lol.]

[Clappy: It’s been awhile since I last riffed and while trying to catch up with…whatever this show became, it lost me a lot. So sit back and watch the confusion commence.]

[Steel: Well, here I am. What have I missed? There were major plot holes in 19, the series suddenly decided to turn into Yu-Gi-Oh near the finale, and the previous chapter was basically freestyle poetry from Jjs. I can easily determine that this finale is where Jjs put most of his effort into, but finales in spin-offs/lits in general are interesting to touch down on as they have the tendency to disappoint, so I can already expect this pair of episodes to be unable to overwhelm.]

[Hayden: How I envision our flight ending:

]

Sandy, SpongeBob, Gary and Loki walked into the Light Lord's throne. 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: throne room]

[Jjs: Off to a good start already.]

[Katniss: That's gotta hurt.]

[Teenj: Maybe they suddenly gained the power of intangibility.]

[Metal Snake: “Do it again! I wasn’t looking!”]

[Clappy: And now they are covered in boo-boos.]

[Steel: Gary slithered into the Light Lord's throne.

room.]

[Hayden: They sure were throne for a loop.]

[SOF: And th-th-that's all folks! If only.]

"Hello SpongeBob Squarepants, Sandy Cheeks, Gary and Loki," he said.

[Jjs: Gary and Loki don't get last names?]

[Steel: He already knows their names? I know, he's an all powerful god, but wouldn't he be perplexed to notice that this group of characters with those names are trying to stop him?]

[Hayden: I bet he's secretly jealous that they have real names.]

"Why are you doing this?" asked Sandy.  "The Dark Lord has been destroyed."

[Jjs: Because we need some antagonist now that the others are gone.]

[Metal Snake: It’s not like this finale could use some extra length! Seriously, do not give it any extra length.] 

[SOF: Doing what? All he did was make his delicious burger castle appear in the sky, nothing about it has been implied to be threatening. Jjs said something similar before, but this is one of the biggest problems I've had with the second half. There's barely any explanation for why our "heroes" even need to be involved with anything, which is a pretty bad for something trying to be "plot heavy".]

"He has?" said a curious Light Lord. "I don't believe you."

[Jjs: Once again, what an all powerful god this guy is if he doesn't even know his brother died.]

[Teenj: I mean, what reason do they even have to lie?]

[Clappy: With their lives depending on it, I’m pretty fucking sure they have nothing to lose and wouldn’t lie straight to the face of a god.]

[SOF: Even if they were lying, why would he care? I thought he hated his brother?]

[Steel: If you think they're lying, then you sure ain't a truther.]

[Light Lord: kqJcJyN.gif ]

The Light Lord came off his throne and growled.

[Teenj: 058G15b.gif ]

[Katniss: Plot twist: the Light Lord was just an angry puppy this whole time. Kinda like a Scrappy Doo in the first live-action Scooby Doo situation. (smirk) 

[Metal Snake: I’m for that headcanon. Say whatever you will about the Scooby-Doo live-action movies, they at least had some identity. This is more like one of those awful crossover specials made to keep Scooby-Doo “fresh and hip” back in the 70s. *shudders* Dead serious. Even something completely out of left field for the Light Lord’s true identity would be better than him just being some “generic bad dude”.]

[SOF: Honestly, I would've given this spin-off props if Scrappy Doo turned out to be the final villain. It would've legit made up for every problem to me. Certainly would've been better than what's about to happen.]

[Scrappy Doo: Ha ha, puppy power! Kneel before me, Scrappy, the Light Lord!]

"Ready to duel?" asked SpongeBob.

[SOF: I thought we were done with the Yu-Gi-Oh crap? I'm certainly not ready. Seriously, no more Yu-Gi-Oh, PLEASE!]

"Duel?" he said, confused.

[Jjs: OH GOD NO, PLEASE NO MORE YU-GI-OH DUELS! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!]

[SpongeBob: Did I say duel? I meant dance! We're gonna have a dance battle. Loser leaves town and never dances again...]

[Metal Snake: “You’re gonna get served, fool! F’d in the A!”] 

[Teenj: tumblr_inline_o4mstwhHLk1rxr4x6_400.gif& ]

[Clappy: Rock, paper, scissors!]

[Hayden: The Light Lord doesn't know what a duel is? The thing his sworn enemy brother was fond of competing with?

http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/001/184/787/928.gif ] 

"Well...I had a feeling you would duel me or something," said a confused SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Probably the "or something".]

[SOF: Gee SpongeBob, if you wanted to be a Yu-Gi-Oh player that badly, you should've starred in a different spin-off.]

[Metal Snake: ...Comic relief, hardy ho hoo?]

[Steel: or whatever, you know, I guess. Kinda, sorta.]

"I am just a god, I know nothing of this duel you speak of."

[Jjs: Gods don't do Yu-Gi-Oh.]

[Light Lord: Sorry, I'm more of a Pokemon person.]

[Hayden: Thank Arceus for that.]

[Katniss: For an all-powerful god, he sure does seem clueless.]

[SOF: "Just a god"? Way to undermine your power, dude. Though I question how much he even has to begin with if he apparently can't even know his brother died or what a duel is.]

[Metal Snake: “Because I am an all-powerful being, the terminology of a children’s card game is something beyond my comprehension.”]

[Teenj: tenor.gif?itemid=5881456&key=d04d142c82f ]

"Well...what are you going to do us?" asked Sandy.

[Clappy: Waste our time apparently.]

[Light Lord: Now that I got you right where I want you...I'd like to buy all of your chocolate. :hands: ]  

[Katniss: For the sake of us riffers, I hope the Light Lord doesn't do anybody. :bruh:  ] 

[Teenj: Oh god, please do something already. I'm getting so bored.]

[Steel: "What are you going to do us?" Yeah, I'm just hoping that whatever it is that you're going to do, it doesn't sound as unsanitary as that.]

"I honestly don't know.

[Jjs: Accurate.]

[Teenj: ^Painfully.]

[SOF: Past Jjs didn't know either. None of us know. Nobody nose.]

[Metal Snake: Wow, Jjs’ theory about this being a parody is confirmed.]

[Steel: And you're honestly wasting our time.]

[Hayden: http://gifimage.net/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/I-dont-believe-you-GIF-Image-Download-17.gif ] 

I have a feeling you are just thieves or crooks."

[Jjs: Trying to rob what? Your title as god? It doesn't sound like your lame castle has anything a thief or crook would want in it.]

[SOF: Maybe someone stole his two day old chocolate bar. Cruse you!]

[Hayden: He can't take the time to fact check this because??????]

[Metal Snake: “Not so fast, you...thieves! Yeah, I ran out of jokes.” 

Obligatory ATTWL 3 callback aside, you have to be kidding. The heroes (or “heroes”, if you prefer) came all this way just to pilfer and plunder? Did I miss a scene where they pulled out guns and said, “Now here’s the deal, see?”?]

Light Lord meditated and moved his castle toward Bikini Bottom.

[SOF: I thought his castle already was in Bikini Bottom...or the sky of it. Oh, whatever.]

[Metal Snake: “I should take my castle and push it somewhere else!”] 

"Please stop!" demanded Loki.

[Clappy: Realest quote so far. Say what you want about all these finales we’ve riffed for these major projects but one thing I can say about any of them is that they never painfully bored me like this one has so far. So like Loki asked, please. Stop. Move on already.]

[Steel: What do you have against yoga, man?]

[SOF: Ask please with a cherry on top, and maybe you'll get somewhere.]

"No..I must seek revenge on humanity!" he said.

[Jjs: ...Um, why? Hooray for out of nowhere conflict? Also, shouldn't that be "fishanity"?]

[Steel: "Oh, the humanity! OR SHOULD I SAY THE FISHANITY?"]

[Teenj: This is hilarious. He sounds like a four year old having a temper tantrum.]

[Metal Snake: Oh great, now we’re throwing misanthropic, “humans are blah blah blah” villain motives into this? Joy.] 

[SOF: If you want revenge on humanity, then move your burger castle above water.]

"What did we do to you?" asked Sandy.

[SOF: Like I said, you stole his chocolate bar and now everyone is going to pay for it!]

[Jjs: Good question, Sandy. I know Bikini Bottom isn't very bright, but what the hell did it do to piss him off that badly?]

[Clappy: Sit back and relax Sandy as this overdone cliché will unravel soon enough as I sit here banging my head on the desk as we get another one of these done to death motives.]

[Steel: When part of the story says it like it is, it better explain what kind of heinous stuff the mystery gang has ever done for it to connect to the Light Lord's upbringing.]

"The man who vanquished my brother and I many years ago!" he said.

[Jjs: Okay, but how does Mr. N represent all of Bikini Bottom as a whole? Your villainous motivation are sounding supremely forced and confusing, because past me needed to force in a "conflict".]

[Clappy: And another thing, Sandy asked what did “WE” do to you. Not what did “the man” do to you.]

[SOF: Show me where the bad man touched you with the trident.]

[Katniss: So you're gonna seek revenge on all of humanity because of one dude? Seems legit.]

[Hayden: Light Lord is mad racist.]

[Teenj: Honestly, he just needs a nap-nap.]

[Metal Snake: And in Pokemon Black/White, the game this show took inspiration from, N hated humans because of the way he was conditioned as a child, only surrounded by Pokemon who had bad experiences with humans. There was no excuse when you had the source material to guide you. Loathing an entire race of creatures just because one guy was a dick to you is completely moronic.] 

"You mean Mr. N? He had to!" Sandy replied.

[Jjs: Even though I'm not sure why, but yeah, he had to.]

[SOF: He had to since he has no other clear motivation or purpose for anything in this spin-off.]

"You need to calm down," said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Go into the corner and think about what you've done, young man, or fish, god, or lord...]

[Hayden: Lol, at first I thought Spongebob was talking to Sandy. Asking her to return to the usual lack of passionate dialogue.]

[SOF: Give him some ritalin, and this spin-off while you're at it.]

[Metal Snake: “Woah, just take it easy, man. Don’t you think killing all of humanity (fishanity, whatever) is a bit of an overreaction?”]

[Steel: Classic understatement.]

"NO! Nobody tells me to calm down, I am god!"

[Jjs: HEAR ME ROAR. Someone sure is sounding like one pompous GOD.]

[Katniss: Does somebody need a timeout?]

[Metal Snake: To be fair, declaring yourself, “god”, isn’t as arrogant as declaring yourself, “God”.”]

[Clappy: I thought you were lord? What exactly is Bikini Bottom Christianity speaking of? Or are they all atheistic? Sorry…my mind is wandering. Continue on with…whatever this is.]

[Steel: Auuugggh. Overblown villain cliche...hurting me...so much...]

"No...you are just a creation of mine," a mysterious voice said.

[SOF: Of course, the dastardly mysterious voice appears to move whatever remains of the "plot" along!]

"Who-"

[SOF: With what a mess this spin-off became, I wouldn't have been surprised if it was Mr. N returning from the dead, because why the hell not at this point? Though I'm sure that probably would've happened in S2 regardless considering this is a 4Kids dub where nobody can "die" for real.]

"King Neptune!" said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Such a surprise we didn't even get a transition showing him enter! :o 

[SOF: King Neptune doesn't even get a proper entrance, for shame. That should be a sin or something.]

[Hayden: King Neptune must've added an ingredient of his pompousness to the concoction.]

[Neptune: WHY WEREN'T YOU AT GOD PRACTICE?]

[Teenj: Yeesh, talk about something coming out of left field.]

[Metal Snake: DUN DUN DUMB. Past!Jjs just realized, “Oh shit, gotta find some way to tie this in with King Neptune! Uh uh, how about a science fiction element?! Yeah! Neptune’s son Triton was into science at one point, so Neptune must have been a scientist at one point too! Genius! This is totally relevant to Scooby-Doo! ...And Yu-Gi-Oh!.] 

[Clappy: In regards to Metal Snake’s comment and my previous riff, does that make Bikini Bottom scientologists? Anyway…GASP! What a plot twist, it’s King Neptune! *sarcasm tags*]

"Yes, it is I. My ancestors had created you two to keep the ocean in balance. But, you two couldn't even obey them because of the DNA and magic they had used.."

[Jjs: Oh, so NOW we're getting this backstory? Couldn't this have been stated in CHAPTER 19?! The amount of shit that's made up on the fly in the second half pisses me off so much, because it's so poorly elaborated like here. Also, what the fuck do you mean "because of the DNA and magic they had used"? Were they made with dark magic, corrupted DNA, or what? Elaborate, you vile fiend! Even when this spin-off tries to "explain" things, it still comes out half-assed and lacking!]

[SOF: You know, this just makes Mr. N's role in the spin-off even more confusing and kinda pointless. Why couldn't Neptune just have taken care of the lords himself to begin with if he created them? What a lazy king and god.]

[Katniss: Nice backstory that was pulled out of nowhere at the last minute and doesn't make any sense.]

[Teenj: Yeah, I have to say that this is the worst 'backstory' I've ever seen. Choppy, out of nowhere, and badly executed all at the same time.]

[Metal Snake: So science and magic.

MF073.jpg&key=41f8949655dccabdb825d4503e

I guess that’s our Yu-Gi-Oh! tie-in.]

[Clappy: So are we supposed to really believe King Neptune, an all powerful god as it is, needed to create...whatever this guy is and his brother for more "balance"? Either way, this backstory is ridiculously forced and overly complicated just to try and make all of this confusing shit all tie in together.]

[Steel: So you basically created Cain and Abel and I don't think you can really blame the Light and Dark Lords for being what they are. And since they're hardly competent villains, it's easier to define them as a couple of spoiled brats with powers of mass ocean-wiping destruction, 'cause that's what they seem to be.]

"Very interesting," said Sandy.

[SOF: Quite. *sips tea*]

[Jjs: More like boring and forced.]

[Teenj: I'm gonna assume Sandy was being sarcastic.]

[Metal Snake: “I’m acting.”]

[Hayden: http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/no-baby-no-gif.gif ] 

"But if I am destroyed...who will keep the ocean in balance?" asked Light Lord.

[Metal Snake: Nature?]

[Clappy: Natural causes?]

[Steel: Life, the universe, and everything.]

[Hayden: That brother that you don't believe is dead. :) No really, we gonna get back to that misunderstanding?]

[Jjs: Does the ocean even need balance anyways? Unless other parts of the ocean in this universe have constant war or some crap, this whole "balance" angle feels very tacked on and poorly built up to.]

[SOF: I don't know jjs, maybe he's preventing the sea creatures from eating each other in the SpongeBob universe. Of course, I doubt past you thought of that at all, but it's the only thing that makes any form of "sense" here.]

"I will. You two never had control.

[Jjs: Emphasis.]

[Hayden: Uselessness.]

[SOF: Then did you even make them? Just to show off your magic powers?]

It was taken away from both of you as soon as you went on a rampage," he said.

[Jjs: So you mean neither of these gods have had any epic powers after they went on their temper tantrums the first time? Makes this guy even more of a lame final villain.]

[Steel: For a couple of gods that have been around for ages, they must have the mental age of 5. If you were to create two gods to keep the ocean in balance, you could've kickstarted their emotional brain development when you had the chance, Neptune.]

[SOF: I think the better question is: Why didn't Neptune just kill both of them after their bitch fits?]

[Metal Snake: Bad gods, bad! You don’t get to toy with mortals after dinner tonight!] 

"What...NO!" said an annoyed Light Lord. "I AM A GOD!"

[Jjs: Is "I AM A GOD!" his catchphrase? Also, this is some unintentional comedy gold that's somewhat the only amusing thing about this finale. I'm trying my hardest not to picture Kylo Ren throwing one of his stupid over the top temper tantrums in Star Wars.]

[SOF: If he is Kylo Ren, then that makes his castle the Starkiller, and The Dark Lord was his Snoke.]

[Katniss: You're a god? I had no idea! It's not like you've already repeated that a bunch of times in this chapter alone.]

[Teenj: At this point, reading the episode as a comedy really helps.]

[Clappy: Now hurry up with Kanye’s damn croissants.]

[Steel: And so you are. What else is new?]

[Hayden: Sorry dude, sucks not being listened to. ;)

He started to move the castle down to Bikini Bottom.

[Jjs: Down Under.]

[Metal Snake: “PUSH!”] 

[SOF: I thought it already was in Bikini Bottom...oh I give up. Actually no, I don't. I'm officially convinced at this point the castle is broken due to budget reasons and can only move "up" and "down" every other minute. It's the only logical explanation on why this castle seems to move so slowly and keeps backtracking its progress.]

"Oh no, he is going to destroy Bikini Bottom!" said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: How? Is the castle going to explode on the city, is it going to drop giant rocks, does it have some death laser? Once again, elaborate, you vile fiend!]

[Metal Snake: He’s going to drop the castle on the city, just like the worm fell on Bikini Bottom at the end of Spongebob, Sandy, and the Worm.]

[Steel: If the castle happens to be no bigger than all of Bikini Bottom though, then I suppose the Light God is going to do some fairly...light damage. I'm sorry.]

"And then...ocean!

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: the ocean]

[Teenj: Forgive him, he knows so little.]

[Clappy: And then…world?]

[Steel: And then...universe.]

[Hayden: His castle can squish all of reality!]

Soon after..the world!" Light Lord said.

[SOF: And then he'll eat dirt.]

[Clappy: Thank you so much for affirming your predictable motivation.]

[Jjs: Sounds more like Light Lord is coming off as a cliche mustache-twirling "take over the world" villain now than some respected god. Yeah, if I was trying to make him seem like a well-intentioned extremist, boy did I botch that very badly. I'm not feeling anything for this guy either way.]

[Katniss: Yeah, I'm finding it really difficult to take Light Lord seriously as a threatening villain. He's such a giant ham and a petulant child.]

[Teenj: In order to feel any kind of threat or urgency, both the dialogue and story would have to be a billion times better.]

[Metal Snake: And to top it all off, he’s a freaking god. Doesn’t he already have more than enough power over the world?]

[Hayden: Nope, apparently he has no control and just hasn't noticed that yet, so can King Neptune please whoop his ass already?]

[Mrs. Light Lord: Young god of destruction, if you want to wreak havoc all across the ocean, you can't do it when it's past your bedtime.]

[Light Lord: MOM!]

"Well, you sure aren't good anymore," said Sandy.

[Steel: Clearly.]

[SOF: "Anymore"? He wasn't even good to begin with.]

[Clappy: Gasp. What a twist that someone with the name “Light” ended up being the main villain. I’m shook.]

[Jjs: Yup, a character named "The Light Lord" ended up being the main villain of the season, whose motivation is just being an angry baby out of nowhere. What a terrible twist, one of the worst I've ever seen in an SBC work. I think I did plan for both of the Lords to be evil, but this is still extremely forced. The Light Lord turning out to be the true villain instead of The Dark Lord could've been a clever way to subvert expectations had this storyline been explained or developed better. At least build this shit up.]

[Teenj: Yeah, like I said - the story's trash and the dialogue certainly isn't helping. So, unfortunately... this is what we get.]

[Hayden: Isn't most of this a reaction to King Neptune cluing him in on being powerless? Why didn't Neptune shut his fat mouth up and handle this more covertly?]

"Neither of them were good," said King Neptune.

[SOF: See, what did I tell ya? Squirrels have short memory, it seems. *adds to list of squirrel jokes* Yes, my list of squirrel jokes is finally complete! At least that's one thing coming full circle with the pilot.]

[Jjs: From the very beginning of their creations? So does that mean Neptune intentionally created two assholes? What an asshole.]

[Metal Snake: God saw what he had created and realized it sucked.] 

[Steel: GEE, HOW LONG DID IT TAKE FOR YOU TO GET THAT IDEA???]

"How am I not good, Neptune?" he said.

[Jjs: I'd say he's still good, guys. Sure, he's trying to kill a bunch of innocent civilians with the castle, but he's clearly doing it for just reasons, since it'll restore balance...somehow! Don't worry!]

[Clappy: Because you want to take over the world, you fucking idiot.]

[Steel: Didn't your arch-enemies already clear that out for you?]

[Hayden: 1*JMkO5wkIiWCclTGjSP8lzg.gif ]

"You and Dark Lord caused many to vanish over the years...such as the original Mystery Solvers."

[Jjs: But I thought the Dark Lord made them vanish. If The Light Lord made others vanish as well, then once again, why was this not stated beforehand?]

[SOF: With what a baby he's acting like, I wouldn't be surprised if he made these random people vanish over something as stupid as looking at him.]

[Katniss: Remember when this spin-off was simply a poor man's Scooby-Doo: Mystery Incorporated? Good times.]

[Teenj: Lol, once again I'm forgetting this was Scooby Doo inspired.]

[Steel: Jinkies.]

[Metal Snake: Since when were you such a philanthropist? Even ignoring that crappy Triton special completely, isn’t that just what gods do? Don’t they cause, or at least allow, mortals to die for their plans for the world? Obviously, I’m reading too deep, but that’s what happens when you read such a shallow show. Your mind doesn’t want to believe that so little thought went into this.]

"I don't care.

[Jjs: That makes two of us.]

[SOF: And that's the tea. *sips again*]

[Katniss: original.gif&key=404b461476f04780e210b26 ]

[Teenj: About sums up my feels with this spin-off.]

[Clappy: And clearly Jjs didn’t at this point either.]

[Steel: That line honestly made me laugh a bit. More and more I'm seeing the Light Lord as an example of arrested development.]

[Hayden: Well then don't ask why you're not good if you aren't going to invest in the answer.]

We are keeping the Ocean in balance!" he said, very annoyed.

[Hayden: Still haven't seen one example of this.]

[Jjs: See, he's just a well-intentioned extremist! The Light Lord is still the good lord, or well, the lesser of two evils I suppose.]

[Metal Snake: And blow me the fuck down, there we go. But wait, are we supposed to sympathize with him now? It couldn’t get any more confusing!] 

[SOF: Like I said before, he's clearly stopping everyone from eating each other. What a nice lord.]

Just then, he made images of him appear all over Bikini Bottom.

[Jjs: Are they .png, .gif, or .jpg? Paint a picture here.]

[Katniss: Holograms? Billboards? Graffiti/spray paint?]

[Metal Snake: The images he got off Google, obviously.] 

[Steel: So he's basically plastering Bikini Bottom with pictures of the character from Hearthstone. I may have drawn Mr. N's monster form, but I sure don't have the mood to envision the Light Lord as something different.]

"Attention...your precious city will be destroyed in about 15 minutes.

[Light Lord: My show's coming on and I don't want to miss it by then.]

[Jjs: 15 minutes? Looks like nobody is gonna die then, since the rest of this finale doesn't even last anywhere close to 15 minutes (well, without riffs). Woohoo!]

[SOF: About 15 minutes? Our main villain is unsure if it'll even take exactly 15 minutes. So for all we know, it could be even longer than that.]

[Clappy: How polite to know that his castle is going to destroy you all in plenty of time to do something to resolve the dilemma.]

[Hayden: They can literally just evacuate now.]

My castle will kill you all."

[Teenj: Officially done.]

[SOF: Thank you and have a nice day.]

"What is this about?" said some fish in Downtown.

[SOF: Some angry lord wants to kill you with his burger castle. Nothing to see here.]

[Jjs: Even the civilians are acting oblivious and uncaring to the Light Lord wanting to childishly kill people, and I honestly don't blame them, since the finale barely treats this as a big deal.]

[Teenj: I relate to this unnamed fish on a spiritual level.]

[Clappy: Most legitimate question asked in this spin-off so far.]

[Steel: You're being threatened to death, what was your first thought?]

"You'll see..." he said.

[Hayden: Were they the ONLY fish that talked to your projections? How are you communicating back to them?]

[SOF: I guess after all the previous monster attacks, seeing magic images of a basilisk thing all over town isn't the weirdest thing for Bikini Bottomites.]

"And you death threat people!" Neptune said. "I might destroy you!"

[Jjs: LMAO! Holy shit, I'm fucking laughing my ass off so hard at this laughably bad dialogue. xD "You death threat people, so I MIGHT destroy you!" What does Light Lord need to do to have that "might" become "will", Neptune? Wow. Classic 4Kids dialogue. This is up there as one of the most unintentionally hilarious bad lines of dialogue in Riffing Theater history.]

[Katniss: I've never seen "death threat" used as a verb before, so congrats. And Neptune, how about you drop the "might" and actually step up and do something before Bikini Bottom is defeated in slightly more time than a typical segment of SpongeBob lasts?]

[Teenj: Well... I guess we have two toddlers in this story.]

[Hayden: I'm sure Neptune will have his mind made up by the time everyone his rule resides over is dead.]

[SOF: I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Wow, just wow. But this is the first time I've ever been amused by the spin-off, so kudos.]

[Metal Snake: I want to say, “I can’t riff this. This is gold.”, but Neptune yelling like a ten-year-old playing Call of Duty isn’t the only lolariously thing wrong here. It’s not just a “threat” if he fully intends to kill them no matter what, it’s a full-fledged attempt at murder. And I “might” destroy you?! There is no “might” or “may” in dealing with genocidal maniacs! Get into what you’re doing full force or else you “might” or “may” as well not be here!] 

[Clappy: I can’t beat the riff of “Classic 4Kids dialogue”. Because that is immediately what I thought.]

[Steel: Make that two hilariously bad lines that made me laugh, one episode in. Nothing else to add here since Jjs had already summed up the awkwardness of that line.]

"NEVER!" he yelled.

[SOF: Oww, my ears! Could you yell that any LOUDER? Douche.]

He began to breathe fire at them.

[Clappy: Jesus, why does it feel like every time I riff this story, someone breathes fire at people?]

[SOF: FIRE UNDERWATER!]

They escaped through the halls.

[Jjs: The final Scooby-Doo chase scene. It's almost poetic. *wipes tear* So here's one last of these: Cue the Yakety Sax.]

[Metal Snake: Just like that. They ran like Sonic the Hedgehog and friends.] 

[SOF: I guess one last Scooby-Doo chase scene is appreciated for the finale, since I keep forgetting this was supposed to be Scooby-Doo themed with Yu-Gi-Oh and gods and mass murder.]

"You can't hide from me for long.."

[Teenj: They have a good 15 minutes, right?]

[SOF: Or more, since even he was unsure how long it will take.]

King Neptune came out and stabbed him in his dragon back with his Trident.

[Roblox Users: lol backstabbing noob hacker]

[Metal Snake: I thought they escaped through the halls. When did King Neptune sneak behind and turn into the spy from Team Fortress 2?]

[Clappy: I’m pretty sure dragon backs are still backs. No need to remind us that the Light Lord turned into a dragon, ugh.]

[Hayden: He wouldn't have to call it a dragon back if he had explained earlier what the morph into was...]

[SOF: I thought the previous chapter described him as a basilisk like The Dark Lord but with a horn. When did he become a dragon?]

[Steel: Looks like King Neptune...slays the day. Come on, it can't be a resonant bad 4Kids dub without some bad puns.

Also, that is one of the laziest fight scenes written. "Haha, you can't find me! *stab* Ow."]

"Fool!" he yelled as he whacked him away with his tail.

[SOF: A tail can easily knock away King Neptune? Neptune needs to make his creations more carefully so they can't overpower him.]

A bunch of Ghosts came and attacked. Sandy threw a torch at them, scaring them off, like before.

[Jjs: The Light Lord really needs to invest in better henchmen.]

[SOF: All of his budget was spent on the nice burger castle.]

[Hayden: Well at least it wasn't the fire breathing that scared them off, it was a small torch.]

[Metal Snake: Not just ghosts, Ghosts. If you wanna call on the dead, you gotta call on some real Gs.]

[Clappy: Ghosts! Ghosts! Ghosts! Toast! Ghosts!]

"Foolish Ghosts!

[SOF: I think you're the foolish one if you made them that easily beatable by torches.]

But let's see how you can handle this!" he yelled as he made a bunch of statue knights come to life.

[SOF: Surprised the Black Knight from Scooby-Doo didn't get thrown into this, but that would've required this spin-off to actually be Scooby-Doo themed again.]

As they attacked, King Neptune was knocked out.

[Jjs: A bunch of statue knights can knock Neptune out? I call major BULLSHIT POLICE.]

[Katniss: How convenient!]

[Teenj: I guess these knights possess literal plot armor.]

[Metal Snake: Neptune wouldn’t do well in a boxing match, I can tell.]

[Clappy: Yeah, the sheer convenience of an all-powerful being like King Neptune being knocked out by knights is bullshit.]

[Hayden: All that hesitation of might destroying left him wide open.]

[Neptune: I am a god, just try to penetrate me!- *slam* *gets knocked unconscious*]

SpongeBob took his trident and destroyed the knights.

[Jjs: Well hey, there's some unintentional foreshadowing to Trident Trouble, 6 years in advance. Looks like I really did become a psychic.]

[Clappy: I would say SpongeBob outdueling Neptune is bullshit, but it is at least canon in Neptune’s Spatula.]

[Light Lord: You cannot defeat my henchmen now!- *zap* Curses.

Wow, three strikes already.]

"Go SpongeBob!" she said.

[SOF: Who is "she"? Loki or Sandy?]

[Hayden: Spandy gets the final boss fight, and Jjs won't even let the stand-in for Scooby Doo do something.]

Light Lord made more come to life

[Jjs: He revived More Spandy?]

[Metal Snake: And then he revived Moar Krabs.]

and they swung their swords.

[Jjs: Wouldn't be a past jjs finale without some SWORDZ.]

[Hayden: Past Jjs would be very pleased with all the non-plain and inventive swords in Adventure Time.]

[Metal Snake: DO YOU LIKE MY SWORD SWORD] 

[Steel: HEY EVERYBODY! I LOVE SWORDS!]

Sandy kicked some of them to dust.

[Clappy: Now Sandy outdueling Neptune is ridiculous.]

[Jjs: I wanna do some kicking!]

[SOF: Oh, so Sandy said "Go SpongeBob!". Glad to know she isn't just sitting on the sides being the cheerleader...and speaking of, where is Loki? And Gary for that matter? Are they going to contribute? I wouldn't blame either if they snuck out of the story when nobody was looking.]

"You are not bad, SpongeBob and Sandy.

[SOF: For an evil god who was throwing temper tantrums nonstop and wanting them dead, he sure is being oddly polite right now. I'm now wondering if he's straight up bipolar.]

But you only have 7 minutes until my castle destroys you all!"

[Light Lord: I'm not getting any younger, you know.]

[Jjs: I highly doubt it's been 8 minutes already.]

[Hayden: I hope Loki and Gary are having a nice nap. Also, glad to see the rest of the gang isn't down on the ground trying to save everybody?]

[Teenj: Time flies when you're having fu- oh wait...]

[Metal Snake: But they’re in the castle. What, is the castle going to self-destruct? Was your plan a suicide mission all along?]

[Light Lord: My castle will sit on you until you beg for mercy.]

The castle started moving down some more.

[Jjs: I'm on the edge of my seat.]

[SOF: Even the story admits the castle is only moving "some".]

[Steel: The more that the Light Lord lose his patience, the more he lowers it, I assume.]

Loki was looking out and could hear people freaking out.

[SOF: Oh, there she is. Glad to see she took the sideline role of doing nothing. It's still not too late to leave this Loki, as I doubt anybody will notice.]

[Jjs: That tension, really sells how how much "danger" everyone is in. I'm just going to imagine the "people" are cardboard cutouts.]

[Teenj: Such menace, such urgency.]

[Metal Snake: I bet they’re yelling, “I AM FREAKING OUT!”, like metrosexuals would.]

[Clappy: Is it bad that I forgot Loki was still in this finale?]

[Hayden: No, because she never should have been.]

The Light Lord continued to breathe fire at all of them and tried even eating them.

[Jjs: So The Light Lord is into cannibalism too?]

[Katniss: I guess he was hungry for some barbecue.]

[Teenj: Wow, 'eating them'. If I wasn't actually done before, I am now.]

[SOF: ...There goes my theory of him preventing cannibalism in the SpongeBob universe.]

[Metal Snake: Let’s bring vore into this, why not. They can find out where the cameraman who got caught off by the monster’s mouth went.]

[Clappy: Tastes like unintentional hilarity.]

[Steel: Oh my.]

[Hayden: Guess this flight had snacks after all, Katniss.]

SpongeBob and Sandy used karate moves on him. He fled back to his throne.

[Jjs: What a big baby.]

[SOF: The throne clearly restores his HP.]

[Metal Snake: Fire and fangs fall to basic martial arts. Damn, who even needs Chuck Norris?] 

[Clappy: Karate moves > dragon powers? Smells like bullshit.]

He laughed and looked out.

[Jjs: Looked out what? A window?]

[SOF: Probably the only window this castle could afford.]

"Only 4 minutes!" he said.

[Jjs: Does he have a watch on or something?]

[SOF: I don't think he has the budget to afford a watch. He's probably just guessing, since he did say it would take "about 15 minutes", after all.]

[Katniss: tumblr_nd7jtgtTrp1ts6ki0o1_400.gif&key=c ]

[Teenj: Let this crapfest end already, goodness.]

[Steel: 4 minutes before I read a better spin-off? Also, looks like we're back with the story's rushed writing that could be passed off as freestyle poetry.]

[Hayden: 8MGjw.gif ]

He then saw Loki and came heading right toward her.

[Jjs: Eww.]

[Metal Snake: “IT’S COMING RIGHT FOR US!”]

[Steel: Loki is a girl? Now that's something that shouldn't have crossed my mind.]

[SOF: This is why you should've left while you still had the chance, Loki.]

Just then, a trident stabbed him right through the back so hard.

[Jjs: well okay]

[Katniss: ...that's what she said?]

[Teenj: 'so hard'. Love the emphasis there.]

[Metal Snake: OH YEAH, UH! GIVE IT TO ‘EM REAL HARD!]

[Clappy: Double entendre.]

[Steel: I thought this was a spin-off intended for young readers. That sounds pretty heavy.]

[Hayden: No no, that's all wrong. You don't shove it back there, you shove it up front. In the heart I mean, what else did you think I was getting at?]

[SOF: If it was that easy to kill him, what exactly stopped Mr. N and/or Neptune from doing this? Eh, who even cares about the  "plot" anymore when we're near the end of the flight. And I still didn't get any snacks. :( ]

SpongeBob took it out and sighed.

[Jjs: Why are you sighing? Is this going to try to make us feel bad for The Light Lord despite what he just did?]

[SOF: I guess even SpongeBob is sighing over that he had to take down such a pathetic baby when Neptune, the ruler of the sea, couldn't.]

[Teenj: Dat feel when she's bad in bed.]

[Metal Snake: Wow, Spongebob is self-aware of how anticlimactic this is.]

[Steel: He can't feel any more right. How unsatisfying.]

[Hayden: No orgasm for us either.]

"What....no-NOOOO!" he yelled as he began to die.

[Hayden: WarlikeScalyAmericanbobtail-size_restric ]

[Jjs: Wow. That's it? That's how this finale concludes the "conflict"? The Light Lord throws a temper tantrum, almost kills all of Bikini Bottom with his castle, sends a couple of ghosts and knights, and SpongeBob stabs him in the back? One of the worst resolutions to anything ever. Even The Dark Side of the Herd's finale barely better paced than this. YES, I WENT THERE. That's how horrible this finale is.]

[Katniss: Whoa. That was...incredibly anticlimactic. I agree with jjs, the pacing in this chapter has been awful. This final battle has barely had any tension.]

[Teenj: I'm just glad it's over.]

[Metal Snake: At least have a longer and louder “NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” than that, sheesh.]

[Steel: At least don't have an incredibly cliched villain crying out "NO!" if you don't want to keep reminding me of how he's already as incredibly cliched.]

[SOF: Wow, that was really damn lame and a badly paced resolution. The "tension" in this was about as thrilling as watching paint dry. It's so lacking and doesn't come together. This is definitely up there as one of the worst villain defeats in any story ever.]

[Clappy: As I said earlier, I’ve never been so bored riffing a finale and even with the “action sequences” that were provided the last few pages, I sat there supremely uninterested. Shoot, I miss the over the top antics of large projects past that had supremely stupid moments like in Down Under, The Dark Side of the Herd, or ATTWL 3 because at least those were laughably bad.]

"This can't be...I have been stabbed through my hard skin...NOOO!" he yelled as he dropped to the ground.

[Jjs: "I have been stabbed through my hard skin". Damn 4Kids, stop making me laugh with this amazing dialogue.]

[Katniss: You got stabbed, dude. Deal with it.]

[Hayden: He's very sensitive about his Scleroderma, Kat.]

[Teenj: Lol, Jjs. I'm convinced you stopped trying with the dialogue at this point. xD]

[Metal Snake: That’s the bitter irony in your demise? A spear piercing through your skin? Could this get any lazier? Hell, you could have even made a joke like, “ALL THAT TIME PREPARING TO COUNTER ANYONE WHO MIGHT HAVE BETRAYED ME, ONLY TO BE LITERALLY STABBED IN THE BACK!”, but knowing this show, I can’t say my hopes were betrayed.]

[Steel: Removed official 4Kids dialogue: "You were getting under my skin. And I bet your skin would make a nice rug!"]

[Clappy: And as I said earlier, I can’t beat the 4Kids riffs. They are so fucking accurate, they can’t be topped.]

King Neptune came in.

[Metal Snake: “The waiter showed up.”]

[Jjs: Huh, I thought he was in the same room as them? And wasn't he knocked out?]

[SOF: Maybe he tried to leave, but realized he probably should do something about his jerk of a creation. But luckily for him, SpongeBob had it handled!]

[Steel: Making his surprise, unannounced entrance as usual.]

"Don't worry, it was for the best."

[Jjs: Yeah, now nobody will have to suffer this guy's temper tantrums anymore.]

[Hayden: Don't you mean it MIGHT have been for the best? We'll never be completely sure.]

[SOF: I don't think anybody is going to worry.]

The Light Lord vanished.

[Jjs: Damn, he has a better transition than the story.]

[Steel: He won't be missed.]

[SOF: It was not nice knowing him.]

"Both lords are destroyed now!" said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: SpongeBob SquarePants: Professional Lord Slayer.]

[Teenj: ^I'm sure it looks good on a job resume.]

[Metal Snake: Congratulations, you beat the game!]

"Uh, everything is not over yet!

[SOF: DAMMIT DALE!]

The castle is still about to collapse!"

[Jjs: Who even said this? More obvious rushing.]

[Steel: Can't see it coming from anyone besides someone as less established as Loki.]

[Teenj: Like I said, Past!Jjs gave up on this long ago lol.]

[Metal Snake: ...Almost. Just like in Ocarina of Time!]

[Clappy: Would you look at that? His castle was going to actually destroy them all. At least The Light Lord remained faithful to his ridiculous dialogue.]

[Hayden: Was his soul connected to the castle? How'd he drive that goddamn thing?]

Just then, it began to crumble to dust. They all fell toward the ground, with all the others.

[Jjs: Ah, so that's why it's called "Final Flight". Clever...not. Also, I'm calling major BULLSHIT POLICE once more that they all survived that fall with no injuries.]

[Metal Snake: More like, “Final Fall”. This isn’t flying! This is falling in the sky!] 

[Clappy: Poor “The Others”. They aren’t good enough to be grouped in with the “they”.]

[Hayden: The others weren't in or on the castle, how are they falling too?!]

[SOF: "The others" is so vague that it could be referring to Squidward, Patrick, Gary, Phantom Trinity, Nancy, Krabs, The Third Worker, and characters of the day.]

[Steel: And then they died from inhaling too much dust.]

"You guys are okay and we won't die!" said Patrick.

[Jjs: Whoa there Patrick, calm down with that choppy and rushed sentence.]

[Katniss: The only thing that's died is any interest I had in how this story turns out.]

[Teenj: Same, Kat, same.]

[Metal Snake: “And we’re going to get our paycheck soon!”] 

[Clappy: Hi Patrick. Forgot you were still in this amongst all the negligence.]

[Hayden: Patrick's psychic too now.]

[SOF: On that note, is Squidward going to react to any of this? If he doesn't though, I don't blame him either.]

Just then, we see the original Mystery Inc come as well.

[Jjs: Just like that.]

[Teenj: giphy.gif&key=6fcbfbf1a1101d83716cfa54ed ]

[Clappy: Is it bad that I forgot the original Mystery Inc. actually existed in this story and I immediately thought of the Scooby Doo Mystery Inc. instead? It would have been fucking bizarre as all hell, but it would have at least been more interesting than what we actually got in this finale.]

[Steel: Oh hey, original mystery gang, fancy seeing you guys here so...conveniently.]

[Hayden: Still not understanding why everybody's air gliding. Resolve this shit back on the ground? I'd break out the TDWT song but Patrick told us no one's going to die.]

"How..."

[Jjs: My sentiments exactly.]

"Once you defeated the Dark Lord, we were freed," said Thedore.

[Jjs: So where were you guys after chapter 23? Did they even see the castle about to collapse on Bikini Bottom? Just really sells how "threatening" that was now if none of them noticed. If they wanted to intentionally avoid all of this though, good for them.]

[SOF: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Also, the way Mr. N talked to SpongeBob in 23 implied the gang wasn't even freed yet after defeating The Dark Lord, so this makes their sudden appearance even more confusing than it already is.]

[Hayden: If you had said they were freed after The Light Lord perished that would at least make for a modicum of event follow-up consistency.]

[Metal Snake: Don’t question FREEDOM!] 

[Steel: I've lost track of these characters enough to the point where I didn't know they were around sometime during Yami SquarePants' duel with the Dark Lord.]

"But Mr. N is still gone," said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Good. I love how SpongeBob immediately shrugs off the old mystery gang appearing though, despite being one of the spin-off's biggest plot lines. More obvious rushing.]

[Hayden: Sorry Spongebob, your greatest mystery was just solved and 5 people have been miraculously brought back from whatever impossible void, but the guy who put your life in arguably more danger than the Lords themselves had to kick a bucket.]

[Metal Snake: Cry him a river for me, why don’tcha.]

[Steel: He's not dead, he'll come back soon. This is a poorly dubbed 4Kids show after all.]

[SOF: He probably would've made it out of the Shadow Realm unharmed with little to no explanation in S2.]

"He will be happy, knowing we vanquished both of them." Sandy said.

[Jjs: He's probably more happy he got out of this before he could see this shitty mess of a finale.]

[Katniss: I'd like to think he just peaced out to Australia because he was tired of this lousy story.]

[Metal Snake: I think he’s happy enough to not have to live in a story like this.]

"Hey, where did the Phantom goons go?" asked Squidward.

[Clappy: Now Squidward got his one quote in too amongst all of the bullshit going on right now.]

[Steel: Forget about those guys as well...I guess that what happens when the story decides to focus so much on the Light Lord.]

"Don't know. Guess they went off to do something new, now that Mr. N is gone," said Sandy.

[Jjs: This was supposed to be a loose end I left for Season 2, but Season 2 never happened, so whoops. The Phantom Trinity ended up being truly pointless after all, nice. If you removed those three from this entire spin-off, literally nothing would change at all.]

[Hayden: Maybe they went off and got real jobs instead of being discount Team Rocket.]

[Metal Snake: Hey, it’s always good to try something new! Imagine if Jjs didn’t try something new after this...]

[SOF: At least Loki took my advice to scram before the end.]

[Steel: I hear they're waiting around at the employment line, hoping to star in a better spin-off.]

"But I do have 1 more question," SpongeBob said.

[Teenj: Just one?]

"What is it?" everyone asked.

[Jjs: Ah ha, there's our group Scooby-Doo unison dialogue!]

[SOF: I'll take that as our final Scooby element. Better late than never.]

"Will Thedore and his gang continue to solve mysteries?" he asked.

[Metal Snake: No. There’s your answer, show’s over.]

[Hayden: My guess is they're so traumatized that they all retire like anyone sensible would.]

[Steel: Even if the answer is yes, show's still over since SpongeBob and his friends won't have to take over their job now.]

[Clappy: Yes. You can catch Thedore and his gang continue to solve mysteries in Jjs' long awaited sequel to this spin-off coming out after he’s finished with Mystic Guardians…said no one ever.]

His gang thought about it for a while.

[Jjs: After getting eaten by a basilisk lord and disappearing for four years, I think I'd take a break if I were you guys.]

[SOF: Which reminds me, what were they doing in those four years? Were they just in some void of nothing? Are any of them going to have any PTSD over that? Oh, never mind...]

[Katniss: Don't think too hard now, wouldn't want you to hurt yourselves! :o ]  

[Hayden: I'm still imagining this happening in mid-air, even though I guess that stopped without any indication.]

[Teenj: Frick that. I'd take a nice, long vacation.]

[Clappy: No. My last riff was just a joke. Don’t actually contemplate it!]

[Bikini Bottom Civilian: Hey, is anyone going to help get rid of all this dust?]

"Of course!" they all said.

[Jjs: Or not. So if S2 had happened, we would've seen both mystery groups working together. That could've been interesting, but I highly doubt it would've been executed well if this second half was any indication.]

[Hayden: I'm sure Jjs would've made it a BFF party where Theodore's group does the lion's share, but this definitely robs them of the grim complexity their series counterparts had.]

[Metal Snake: Of course not. The only mystery you’ll be solving in the future is how this spin-off came to be such a mess.]

Sammy the Scallop even made a happy chirp.

[Jjs: And poor Sammy doesn't even get a line of dialogue to show how much he missed his friends.]

[SOF: The finale's budget was wasted too much on The Light Lord's castle effects that you couldn't afford Sammy's voice actor.]

[Katniss: That reminds me: what happened to Gary? Poor fella gets the short end of the stick yet again.]

[Hayden: Only room for one mascot. Sammy took care of Gary. Took care of him real good. Another S2 cliffhanger. Dun. Dun. Dumb.]

[Clappy: I can’t believe there was an actual character named Sammy the Scallop. Dibs on him during the next SOF SWYAD.]

"We would use some extra members!" said Patrick.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: could]

[Clappy: But would you be willing to share the dialogue?]

[Steel: Sure, if you want to risk being put out in the limelight.]

[Hayden: What do you mean you would use some extra members? Half of them would probably disappear from chapter to chapter.]

[SOF: I have a strong feeling having ten members in a mystery group wouldn't have worked out very well, since Past Jjs could barely give an equal spotlight with just five members. But since Gary seems to have left the spin-off, I guess it'd only be nine members.]

"Whatever," said Squidward.

[Jjs: Best line of the finale.]

[Metal Snake: One last quote from Squall Leonhart sums up my thoughts exactly.]

[Steel: It's like, none of my business, man.]

[SOF: Why couldn't Squidward save the day? I call bullocks, once again.]

"And I'm sure there are many more greater mysteries to come!" said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Haha nope.]

[Teenj: Thankfully not!]

[Katniss: tenor.gif?itemid=5332916&key=3e6bb047a97 ]

[Metal Snake: Keep dreaming, kid. You guys are mysteries that are better left unsolved.]

[Clappy: “more greater”. Where’s the Grammar Police?]

[Steel: Here I am. 

Greater.]

[SOF: If you count "why there aren't anymore chapters after this" as a mystery, sure.]

Thank you, SpongeBob! You've saved us all once again!" said King Neptune.

[SOF: Yeah, since you couldn't. Man, way to make Neptune one unintentionally unlikable asshole in this spin-off, which I guess to be fair, is in-character with some of his show portrayals.]

[Jjs: And so Bikini Bottom was saved, by a sponge and his power to stab lords in the back with magical tridents! As for everyone else? They just stood around, I guess.]

[Katniss: Thanks to the power of rushed conflict-solving and ineffective villains!]

[Teenj: Yes, good ole SpongeBob. A true hero!]

[Metal Snake: And so once again, the day is saved! Thanks to...the bad writing!]

[Steel: But he couldn't think to save us from this poorly written finale.]

"Don't mention it, we'll continue until the very end!"

[Hayden: Nowhere to continue. This flight made its expected destination....

b0pE_3.gif&key=413802bdc737361412a00fcdf ]

[Jjs: The irony is stunning. I left this finale on a strange open-ended note in case I did do S2, but nope. I guess it's slightly more conclusive than some other things riffed, but boy that does not say much at all. Seriously, this was a god-awful (haha) finale. Legit one of the worst finales I've ever seen on SBC. Rushed, choppy, tensionless, incoherent, terrible motivations for the endgame boss, and just an all around unsatisfying conclusion to the season. Honestly, I didn't even know how to riff it because nothing really ultimately happened. Although, this finale does represent the spin-off overall. Clearly unfinished and poorly thought through, so I guess it came full circle in that regard. Yeah, this sucked. This spin-off is just so choppy, sloppy and inconsistent overall due to no real clear vision. For what was supposed to be based off one of my favorite shows, it honestly feels very embarrassing since it could’ve been SO much better. I wouldn't say it's top ten bad or anything, since I can get some amusement out of it, but it is definitely my worst work without a doubt. The first half wasn’t good but felt somewhat fun, in a lulzy morbid way. Unfortunately, the second half was an utter train-wreck that showed this spin-off clearly had an identity crisis. Poorly explained exposition, things not making sense, abandoning of the mystery theme, shoehorned-in elements from Yu-Gi-Oh and Pokemon that had no reason to be there, and so many things get abandoned due to poor planning (hi Mr. Krabs). Even the characters just didn’t feel interesting a lot of the time, the SpongeBob gang in particular felt very bland and/or way too stupid for us to root for or care about. That's especially not good since they were the protagonists. The villains of the week didn't even feel interesting either due to poorly developed motives, and most other side characters are just there, or in the case of Krabs, have their "story" go nowhere.

A lot feel the spin-off was extremely held back by the tv.com format in the beginning, and I sort of agree. I still stand that there were many spin-offs that managed to work very well with the tv.com format, despite it sometimes limiting people’s visions. There were even tv.com spin-offs that managed to do story arcs well. This one however...was not one of them. Trying to condense SDMI into the format just was not a good idea, and it resulted into so many things getting lost in the shuffle. But the tv.com format isn’t solely to blame, it was just due to laziness and inexperience on my end. The main reason this failed though, is because this spin-off is very unfinished and incomplete...and I don’t mean that by the fact there was going to be a S2 that never happened. I also don’t mean that by the fact that the last few chapters were rushed out to compete with Bikini Top and Down Under. What I mean is, S1 as a whole is a beta version of the spin-off. Even the first half of S1 had its moments of clearly not being done (which is shown with that amazingly written ending from 13). What you see of S1 is not even close to the final product. My reboot of USMI 2013 would’ve been the final product had that panned out. Yup, not only is this a lost 4Kids dub, but it’s an unfinished video game too. There’s so many things I wanted to expand on (Mr. Krabs, Spandy, Phantom Trinity, an actual good story for the second half, etc), but got lazy and rushed stuff out because I had no other spin-off going on at first, and released a beta spin-off to fill time until Storm Racers. After Mermaid Man: The Brave and the Bold ended, I quickly rushed out another spin-off just because I wanted to make people happy, but I knew deep down it was far from ready. Yet I didn't want to have my fans waiting, so I just rushed it out to ride off the success of Brave and the Bold, figuring maybe people wouldn't care or really notice at the time (because let's be honest, we praised Down Under, Bikini Top, amongst other things :P ). I really should’ve just waited until SDMI had more episodes, or at least had properly thought of my own story that would make sense. Another major issue is that I had so many other works going on when I reached the second half that I sadly had no time to give USMI any attention, and it just got lost in the shuffle after a while. It sucked, but it’s not an excuse either. The fact I clearly released an unfinished product is why I consider this my worst work, since SBC Parallel Universe and Scooter’s Paradise at least felt complete despite their issues. This was not, which is why I hate it so much. 

But to be honest with you guys, even if all of SDMI S1 had been aired before this was written...I don’t know if it would’ve even mattered? The first half, which was 90% similar to the first half of SDMI S1, was...not good. I failed to properly copy a lot of those, and botched many details and character development in the process. That likely would’ve continued had I copied all of S1 back then. A lot of people feel USMI could’ve been saved if S2 had happened, feeling S2 could’ve helped “fix the spin-off’s issues”. Sorry guys, but coming from the author, S2 would not have helped this mess at all. Let me explain. Yes, I clearly left some sequel hooks open for S2, but the second half of this spin-off was just a flat out mess, and I really don’t know how it could’ve been realistically continued considering what it brought up (will explain that below). If the only reason the 2nd season was going to exist was to fix the first one’s problems, then that just makes S1 even worse and would’ve made me hate it even more. A creation shouldn’t need a season to “fix” the problems of the previous one, that just shows how unfinished that season was. The 2nd season would’ve just ended up being pointless DLC, like SBCPU S2. The plot holes and unfinished plot lines should’ve been in S1, not saved for S2 as a smug little “oh and btw guys here’s some plot threads I forgot to do in S1 because of laziness ;)”. That would’ve left a bad taste in my mouth, and probably also to whoever was viewing this. So yeah, “pointless DLC” is just what S2 would’ve been. This isn’t a video game that needs DLC (though it may as well be a video game with how badly unfinished it is). Much like Down Under, I strongly doubt another 26 chapters would’ve helped fix the problems of this anyways, especially if I used the same mantra I used through S1 with no real planning. The other major issue is with a S2...what the hell would you've even done with it? No, not “more monsters of the week” or “wait for SDMI S2”. Here’s why. Beta S1 literally ended with them meeting two supernatural GODS (or LORDS)...how could you top that? What do you do after having mystery solvers meeting all powerful deities? Anything that would’ve come after would’ve just felt “inferior” to that. I don’t even think I could’ve copied SDMI S2 in any decent way to fit with what beta S1 did.  

So yeah, no matter which way you look at it, beta USMI was screwed. Source material or not, it would’ve been a mess at the time either way. However, I will say it’s for the best I stopped after this season before it overstayed its welcome. Even my past self knew there was no point in continuing this mess, and pulled the plug right after S1 before it possibly got any worse (and god forbid if it did). I guess that’s the one positive I’ll give this, since it didn’t overstay its welcome like several other things we riffed and was quickly buried. The fact it was quickly buried though with no care does make this spin-off ultimately pretty pointless in my career, which I guess is why I dislike it so much. It was so disappointing compared to other works I made around this time, and added nothing to my spin-off legacy...well actually, I wouldn’t entirely say “nothing”. This spin-off did stick with me in the regards that I actually need to plan things out in advance, especially if you do a story arc heavy work. The sad thing is, I honestly think this spin-off had potential, SDMI cut and pasting aside. If I had actually properly used SDMI in my own original way, and taken the time to properly write the overall story (SDMI material or not), I think it could’ve worked. The 2013 reboot could’ve been good too, but I was still kind of disenchanted after how this ended that I abruptly stopped that before I could make the same mistakes as I made in the beta version. Maybe someday I’ll give USMI the proper full story. Someday, perhaps. Some may have felt I was too hard on my 13/14 year old self, but I honestly don't care. To be fair, I don't mind being harsher with this because it was my own work, so it was easier to be much more negative on. It's fine if you don't dislike this as much as I did, but all the wasted potential and knowing I could've done better is why I'm so disappointed in this. But yeah, overall, that was (beta) Undersea Mysteries Incorporated. I hope riffing this taught a lot of people a lesson when it comes to writing. Don’t actually post something until you’re personally satisfied with it and you feel it's actually complete. Because boy, did I learn that the hard with way beta USMI. Also let this be a lesson to never allow 4Kids to take control of your work. I thank everyone who riffed, this was one of our best riffs ever honestly. It was nice riffing one last work of mine near the end. At least we'll have the lulziness of Yuri and the 4Kids dialogue to remember from this.

I know some of you feel this could theoretically work as the series finale to Riffing Theater since it riffed what I consider my worst work. You can consider it the finale if you want, since the final project is more of a bonus epilogue. However, in my personal opinion, that finale was so terrible that it might not make the most satisfying final riff, which is why this was not the true final project. But what IS the final project going to be? Well...get ready for some very short-lived stories in "One-Shots"...

Also, special thanks to Steel for making a depiction of Mr. N's monster form, since god knows I couldn't draw it.]

[Katniss: This finale was absolutely terrible. Last-minute reveals that made no sense, awful pacing, no tension, a lame villain death,  a lame villain and general, and most of the cast just being there because they had nothing to do besides the occasional line. Earlier chapters of this fic were pretty bad, with uninteresting mysteries and poor motives,  but the latter half of this story descended into a special kind of terrible with the incorporation of gods and time travel. This story was a hot mess, but at least we got some good riffs out of it, as always.]

[Teenj: As predicted, a truly awful finale. The first half of this spin-off was already bad enough between the poorly done mysteries and terrible plot structure. But, oh man... the second half had such an insane identity crisis. I think this show tried to fire on all cylinders to make up for the lack of SDMI material to go off of, but it ended up being a confused mess. This finale right here is the culmination of all of those glaring problems, and I'm just so glad that I don't have to look at them anymore.]

[SOF: Wow, that finale was...yikes. This flight was not worth the price of any admission. There was so little tension and thrills that I couldn't bring myself to care on what happened. One of the laziest and worst finales I've ever seen. This entire spin-off was one mindfuck of a mess. Despite its many issues though, this entire spin-off is really a shame. As a fan of Mystery Incorporated, I would've loved to see a proper attempt at it on here. Like Jjs said, I do think this had potential if he had more time and experience. While I wasn't a fan of the first half either, I think the spin-off wouldn't have been as bad if he had stuck to the same format as that. The second half we did get felt like we riffed an entirely different spin-off. Seriously, I can't believe Yu-Gi-Oh got thrown into this mess...what the fuck? Yeah, I'm not getting over that. At least I don't have to be worried on how much worse this spin-off can get anymore. Because if a S2 did happen back in 2011, I can only imagine how bad it likely would've been. Still, it was fun riffing jjs' true personal shame. I'll see you guys for some one-shots to cap off my riffing career.]

[Metal Snake: CUZ WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS...OF BAD SHOWS! 

Since there is no way I could make a final riff that would outdo Jjs’ divine end essay, I’ll just be plain, blunt, and concise in saying that this finale was a wild ride...a BAD wild ride. One moment, it’s boring, then the other moment, it feels like it’s trying to be a parody, and then other moment, it’s so enthralled with its own stupidity to the point where you just have no idea how to feel. Katniss summarized all the flaws with this finale and show well enough, so asking myself what my thoughts are on everything overall is difficult. I guess the biggest flaw of it that irritated me most throughout it was it having no clue what the fuck it was. 

The reality is that it’s just a mess of batshit insane nonsense. It even shows a few signs of being self-aware of the fact. But it never embraces that. No, it wants to be a good serious story. It continually tries to be something it knows it can’t be. Jjs already brought up how much this show lacked identity, and I’m sure that even back when he was writing the second half of this show, he hated having to make this show something he knew he couldn’t make it into. 

I would rather read SBC Parallel Universe, not just because it is not as bad from a writing standpoint, but because it knows what it is. The first season is a dumb story about SBC members, the second season is a dumb story about SBC members in Oban Star Racers. This, on the other hand, is a dumb story...about what? Spongebob and friends playing Scooby-Doo turning into Pokemon turning into Yu-Gi-Oh!? Are you fucking joking? 

Though it’s annoying, and definitely shows how this is Jjs’ worst work that saw the light of SBC, it was good for fun and laughs. It was good of Jjs to be brave and face a part of his past that he could’ve easily left buried, so overall, I’m glad that the mystery of what happened to Undersea: Mystery Incorporated wasn’t left unsolved. The same way I’m glad that the mystery of the real final riffing project is over…]

[Clappy: I don’t think I’ve ever been so fucking bored reading a finale as I was with this and by that I’m not just excluding the larger projects. I mean everything I’ve ever riffed during my time with the riffing theater crew. SBCPU…I’m so sorry. SBC: The Soap Opera…I’m so sorry. I didn’t know how bad this was that I take back everything…and I do mean everything I said about Jjs previous works. This is, without a doubt, the worst thing Jjs has ever done. Shoot, I had a hard time following this even when I read the rest as catch up. At least the first half of this series was amusingly interesting. The second half of this series was such a massive clusterfuck…I was not ready to see how deep the shittier this story went.

I would like to thank jjs for being humble and letting us riff this because for awhile, this story was fun to riff. I would have done more myself, but all the good lines were stated and was beaten to the punch, gladly. I had fun riffing this despite how little availability I had due to real life obligations. I don't think the final project will top this, but you can bet I'll be on one last time for the true finale of Riffing Theater.]

[Steel: There's no crying until the end. And since this is the end of the spin-off, I'm crying at the fact that I actually used to really like this. That was probably me being too sweet on Jjs, but I'm glad I've changed my mind. While there are a load of moments from this spin-off that are just bad, it's got its fair share of hilaribad moments. In fact, I can agree in behalf of Jjs with USMI being his worst written work. I had more amusement out of Parallel Universe, that's how bad I thought USMI turned out to be.

In short, the spin-off sucks. The mystery storylines lacked the wow factor, and the story-driven plot also lacked legitimate value and intrigue. The spin-off in general even has little originality as it takes quite a lot from Scooby-Doo Mystery Inc. and somehow decides to take from Yu-Gi-Oh near the finale. So, of course, even when Jjs tries to move away from the first half's formulaic storytelling, it results into a pretty bad identity crisis in which he has gone far to defend my personal worst shame when it came to lack of direction in a story. I may not detest USMI more than DSOTH, but that similar story problem was at the same level of badness as with DSOTH, I'll admit. Unsurprisingly, the finale felt absolutely rushed, it lacked any sort of thrills and it incredibly lacked a competent villain to boot. The Light Lord might as well be a poster boy for how not to write a villain. And then there are the 4Kids comparisons, and Jjs can't be any more right about the spin-off's tone either, because this reads like a hilariously bad 4Kids dub with the incredibly plastic dialogue not only from the villains, but also from the heroes and the characters of the day. Looks like you should've sold this idea to Funimation, Jjs. Such a shame.

That's it for my thoughts on this spin-off. I probably won't stick around for the Riffing Theater finale, but since this might as well be my last time here, I'd like to say that it was a blast serving for this series. I've made some solid jokes, I've also made some mediocre ones as well. Regardless, it was always a fun time looking back at past spin-offs that have either always been bad or have aged very badly. I'm also glad to have shared two of my personal shames as they, of course, helped me with finding ways to improve my writing ability, likewise with everyone else here who have shared their personal shames. Don't know what else could take the place of Riffing Theater's glory, but I know for certain that the spin-off/lit community can manage to survive without it. Steel Sponge out.]

Stay tuned for the final four riffs in "One-Shots", coming later this month!

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*Me On January 7*

Man, I finally got those riffs done. God I'm slow. Let's see how the Episodes are doing:

On 12/21/2017 at 9:25 PM, jjsthekid said:

Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

24. Journey To The Castle

  Reveal hidden contents

24. Journey To The Castle

[Jjs: Well I can tell you guys right off the bat this is another very misleading title, because there's barely a "journey" at all in this. Already off to a great start for the penultimate chapter.]

[Teenj: I'm just gonna pretend the title says "Journey to the end of this spin-off".]

[MMM: Alright, let's get this over with.]

Squidward, Sandy, Patrick and Gary met up with SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Noticing someone missing? No Sammy anywhere in sight, it seems. That just makes his return in 20 even more pointless.]

He explained to them what happened.

[Jjs: Just like that. You know...I don't have a problem with works summarizing events in one sentence for time, but here it's very jarring. The fact you just shrug off those wastes of Yu-Gi-Oh chapters with "what happened", and only that, just goes to show pointless they were in the grand scheme of things. Especially when none of the rest of the main cast react.]

[Teenj: I'm already done, lol. After everything from the last few chapters, somehow this was the best line of dialogue to describe it all.]

"Gosh, that is terrible!" said Sandy.

[MMM: You said it.]

[Jjs: Yup, so terrible that apparently Sandy is the only one with any reaction at all! Goes to show further how rushed the last half was. Although to be fair, in Patrick and Squidward's defenses, they shouldn't care Mr. N died considering he sent his henchmen to personally attack them. So maybe their lack of response was intentional.]

[Teenj: I mean, someone still died. You'd think they'd have something to say.]

"It is. But we must continue on!" said an encouraged SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Even SpongeBob is ready to just end this shit.]

[Teenj: I'm with him. Let's get to the end of this already.]

The castle was starting to appear.

[Jjs: I thought it had been appearing for five straight chapters now. That castle needs to make up its mind.]

[MMM: It's gotta be a different castle every time or something.]

The Light Lord could be seen from the top of it. It was like The Dark Lord, but lighter and calmer. It had a horn on its head.

[MMM: Superb description.]

[Jjs: So The Light Lord is a lighter basilisk with wings, BUT to make him stand out more, he has a horn on his head? Gotcha.]

[Teenj: Image result for confused gif ]

"Uh Oh! It's coming!" said Patrick.

[Jjs: Hard to tell, since that castle has been "coming" since 19, and seems to keep backtracking its progress every time.]

[Teenj: Procrastination, it happens to everyone. Even castles.]

"Okay, so how do you propose we get there?" asked an annoyed Squidward.

[Jjs: With "The Light Bridge", however the hell that works, but I don't blame Squidward for forgetting about it. Or maybe Mr. N and SpongeBob just never told the others about it, and I don't blame them either.]

"The bridge," said Sablado.

[Jjs: Hopefully Chris Christie doesn't shut it down.]

[Chris Christie: Don't give me any ideas.

Image result for chris christie beach]

"Oh yes, the bridge you told us about. So uh..how does it appear?" he asked.

[Jjs: Wait, you mean Mr. N didn't even tell them how the bridge appears? What an asshole.]

[Teenj: Shh, shh. We don't speak ill of the dead.]

"When the Light Lord notices us as good people, he will shine a bridge down upon us."

[Jjs: So only The Light Lord can make the bridge appear? And the Phantom Trinity apparently knew this the WHOLE TIME, presuming it's one of them saying this? Would've been a lot helpful if they had told them that during the waste of a chapter that was 20.

Also, what the hell is even meant by "he will shine a bridge down upon us"? Why not just say "He'll make the bridge appear"? Either someone's trying way too hard to sound artsy, or this is 4Kids' dialogue at work once more. Seriously though, good lord (haha), proofreading.]

[MMM: That's just pretty stupid...not much else I can say.]

"GO AWAY YOU BEASTS! I MUST SETTLE THE SCORE WITH MY BROTHER!" boomed The Light Lord.

[Jjs: Except your brother is dead. Shouldn't you know that, almighty one?]

[Teenj: He's just as confused as this spin-off.]

[MMM: ALL CAPS YELLING!]

"Yeah..he sure notices us as good," said Squidward.

[Jjs: Well considering your competence in this spin-off, I don't blame him for not noticing. :bruh: ] 

"I didn't want to result to this, but we have to sneak in now." Sablado said.

[Jjs: As if you've never snuck around, slim shady.]

"...How?" asked Squidward.

"Jump."

[MMM: Might as well.]

The gang went to the highest cliff possible.

[Jjs: RIP everyone. Wow, I have to surprisingly give this spin-off some credit. Having the cast jump off a cliff to their deaths is a pretty ballsy move. This spin-off will forever be remembered for this risky but brave action. Sadly, if only that was what actually happened, because what happens instead is...yikes.]

[Teenj: Lol, I would of had no qualms if this was literally the ending.]

"I am afraid of heights!" said Patrick.

"Well, it is now or never!" said Loki.

They all began to jump. Gary managed to stick to the wall.

[Jjs: ....what.]

He slowly slid down.

[Jjs: ....Huh?!]

[Teenj: Image result for what confused gif]

SpongeBob grabbed onto him.

[Jjs: ...Are you fucking kidding me!? What the actual hell was that? Jumping off a CLIFF made them reach a castle in THE SKY?! Not only is that physically impossible, but it also made their whole "searching for the bridge" quest entirely POINTLESS. HOORAY! Yup, more clear rushing. I call major BULLSHIT POLICE.]

[MMM: Did someone say anticlimax?]

Patrick and Aradios fell.

[Jjs: ...sucks.]

"Owww," said Aradios.

[Teenj: Owww indeed.]

[MMM: Falling off a cliff will do that to ya.]

"Come on!" said Sandy.

"No, go on without us!" said Aradios as he checked on Patrick.

[Jjs: I'm sure his iron ass broke the fall, he'll be fine.]

"The castle looks like a burger..." Patrick said.

[Jjs: I'm just going to imagine the castle is actually shaped like a burger from here on in.]

[Teenj: ^Makes as much sense as anything else in this spin-off, so...]

"Yeah, go on without us," said Aradios.

[Jjs: Well it was nice not knowing you, Ariados Aradios.]

"Are you sure?" yelled down Sandy.

"Yes."

[MMM: Well then.]

The gang climbed up to the entrance.

"Well...we're here." Squidward said.

[Jjs: In the most impossibly idiotic way possible, but yes, yes you are.]

"Don't fall for its trick easily. This place is filled with traps," said Loki.

[Jjs: Well at least The Light Lord decided to setup some Scooby-Doo traps. I'll give him some credit for bothering to keep the remains of the Scooby-Doo theme in this spin-off, since heaven forbid anything Scooby-Doo related since chapter 17 is a rarity.]

[Teenj: Lol, for a minute, even I was forgetting this was a 'Scooby Doo-based' spin-off.]

They began to walk in. The tiles began to glow and disappear!

[Jjs: OOOH SCARY]

[MMM: !!!!!!!!]

"Watch out!" cried Sandy. Squidward fell through and landed down with Patrick and Aradios.

[Jjs: Poor Squidward. Looks like he got kicked out of being involved in the finale. Good for him, tbh. Now he can finally go home and relax from this nonsense.]

"3 down...5 to go," said Light Lord.

They continued walking on.

[Jjs: So nobody even reacted to Squidward falling, or made sure he landed safely? Assholes.]

A bunch of passages appeared.

[Teenj: Because of course.]

"Which way do we go?" asked SpongeBob.

[MMM: The fork on the left?]

"Right." Sablado said.

"Are you sure?" asked Loki.

"Honestly...no," he said.

[Jjs: That's reassuring.]

[Teenj: At least he was honest, lol.]

[MMM: I don't even know what to say to that.]

"Well..it doesn't hurt to try," said Sandy.

[MMM: That's the spirit.]

They went through.

[Jjs: I'm on the edge of my seat.]

[Teenj: The expense is killing me. No, literally.]

Nothing happened yet.

[MMM: Wowww.]

[Jjs: Accurate.]

[Teenj: Truest statement in this entire spin-off.]

Just then, the torches on the walls began to make a wall of fire!

Sablado walked through it.

[Jjs: Fish sticks here, get your fish sticks!]

"No!" yelled Sandy.

[Jjs: Are SpongeBob or Gary or Loki going to have any reactions to someone being in danger, because I feel Sandy is going to lose her voice if she keeps yelling "No!" at this rate.]

"It-It's an illusion!" he said. He was fine.

[Jjs: Well fuck me, there goes any suspense.]

[Teenj: As if this episode had any to begin with.]

They walked through and felt nothing.

[Teenj: Same, same, same.]

[MMM: Well it was an illusion.]

"Drat," said Light Lord.

[Jjs: Those meddling kids (not really), Organization XIII members, and their stupid snail!]

They then walked out and came across a ledge! Sablado fell off!

[Jjs: Wah wah wah.]

Sandy grabbed onto him.

"Let go," he said.

"No!"

[Teenj: K, this has officially become her catchphrase.]

"You must, you can go on without me," he said as he let go.

[Jjs: Goodbye Sablado. Even he didn't want to be a part of the finale, and I don't blame him either.]

[Teenj: Lol, he literally didn't even let Sandy try and save him.]

We see Squidward, Patrick, Aradios and Sablado looking at them.

[MMM: I don't see that.]

[Jjs: I kind of love how these four got specifically excluded from the final battle. It's like I was throwing darts at a board of characters for who to kick off, and only landed on these four. So congratulations Squidward, Patrick, Aradios, and Sablado. You four are forbidden from participating in the finale since the author chose you lucky saps.]

"Meow.." Gary said.

[Jjs: Probably the most intelligent line of this chapter, if we're being honest.]

[MMM: Poetry.]

"It will be okay," SpongeBob said.

[MMM: I wouldn't go that far.]

[Jjs: Yeah, the finale will be even more tensionless than this chapter if you can believe it, so everything will be okay.]

They walked back and went to the left passage. A bunch of Ghosts appeared.

[Jjs: Spooky. At least there's another thing keeping whatever remains of the "Scooby-Doo theme".]

"They are illusions!" Loki said. They ignored the ghosts.

[Jjs: You know, if The Light Lord wants them the fuck out of his castle so bad, why is he only taunting them with harmless illusions?]

[Teenj: I don't know, The Light Lord doesn't know, and hell - this show doesn't know either.]

The ghosts still began to bug them, but Sandy grabbed a torch and threw it at the ground. A wall of fire appeared, scaring them off.

[Jjs: Oh, so that wall of fire works, but The Light Lord's doesn't?!]

They appeared at a set of 2 big doors. There was 2 large statues between it. They seemed to represent the Dark Lord and Light Lord.

[Jjs: From the way that's worded, it sounds like the statues are literally in-between the two doors, as if they're blocking them. Good luck getting in at all now.]

[MMM: Well, things are never what they seem.]

"That was quick," said Sandy.

[Jjs: *wink wink nudge nudge*]

"Are you guys ready?" asked Loki.

[Jjs: If you're asking me, nope.]

[Teenj: I'm more than ready to get this over with.]

"Yes," said SpongeBob.

They opened the doors.

[Jjs: What a tensionless and lazy as hell chapter. Yeah, this is another one clearly showing how rushed the end was. I get this is "setup" for the finale, but...it felt like nothing really happened? It just felt like this chapter drunkenly sauntered itself along, which is the best way to describe it. This chapter felt extremely drunk, sloppy, and lacked a proper flow. I really think this one had a bit too much alcohol. Jokes aside, the gang getting to the castle felt very lazy and their trip through the castle felt just as disappointing. I mean, you're really going to lead into the season finale with "They opened the doors"? How thrilling...not. I really could've just done this all in the season finale, not as the "setup" chapter. It feels like I had no clue what to do with this chapter, and just rushingly moved the "plot" along even if it felt underwhelming. But I knew I had zero viewers left by this point, so I stopped caring. And that lack of care continues into the finale...boy, I'm going to warn you guys. The finale may be one of the worst, laziest, inconclusive, and most rushed things on SBC. Brace yourselves.]

[Teenj: Yeah, if this chapter was anything to go by, I'll expect the finale to be even worse.]

[MMM: If I had to use one word to describe this episode, I wouldn't do it because it would be a waste of a word. While I guess there were things that happened, it didn't feel like so, like nothing was accomplished.]

 

Oh.

:bruh:

It's been up for two weeks.

 

rwEdw6N.gif

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I guess that explains Hayden and 4EG's bitter rivalry. They're two of a kind. >:)

This did have some guilty pleasure appeal for me, I'll confess. I used to love reading stories like this on TV.com when I was younger, even with their obvious faults. Also, Fred returning with that AC/DC song was kickass.

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Aside from the out-of-nowhere drama mockery, the only thing I think could even be considered actual parody of Bikini Top in this entire thing is a subtle lampooning of its unnecessary inclusion of Spongebob characters, since there was no reason for Spongebob characters to be in this. It would be the same thing if you used OCs and/or SBC members. This really shows where the "IT'S SATIRE!" defense falls flat, when you're barely doing satire of anything. It's almost equivalent to riffing a work while barely contributing any commentary.

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One-Shots

3. ExKizuna Goes to School (The Classy SBC Skits!)

Spoiler

[Jjs: For our next One-Shot and penultimate riff, this one is a bit obscure. I don't blame you if you didn't even know it existed until now-]

[OMJ: That's a relief!]

[Hayden: That's the way I always enter these!]

[Jjs: -and I wouldn't blame PatBack if he entirely forgot about it. Back (haha) in fall 2012, PatBack tried to make PBMovies...I mean, sorry "The Classy SBC Skits!". From what I can gather by this one chapter, it was going to be his cheap attempt at copying JCMovies, except without any of the actual wit or comedy. If you thought Parody Pa(n)nel was unfunny, wait 'til you see this. Oh boy.]

[JCM: I can't wait to read the first episode of PBMovies!]

[Fred: Ooh, is this literature classy? Better get my monocle and top hat ready to dress the classiest!]

Episode 1: ExKizuna Goes To School

[Jjs: While the Grim Reaper plays unfitting music.] 

[Metal Snake: Would that school happen to be in the world of Degrassi?]

[OMJ: Note to Kat, continue SBCgrassi.]

[Fred: But I thought skool iz 4 chumps?]

[Hayden: What? That's the last place on Exkizuna's To-Go List. Behind a grungy skate park, an R-rated movie, and a strip club of debauchery.]

Teacher: Welcome to school, class! My name is Mr. Alexander, and let’s hope to have a wonderful year.

[Jjs: Why didn't your character dialogue just say Mr. Alexander from the start instead of "Teacher"? For the first character, he sure is picky on what he wants to be known as.]

[JCM: Jason Alexander's teaching at fake schools now? His career has really fallen off.]

[Fred: I wish George Costanza or Duckman was my teacher. Then I would go to school more.]

[Metal Snake: Eh, I don’t know. 2018’s been iffy so far.] 

[Hayden: What a foreboding line about whose to come.]

[OMJ: Why did that sound like you would take my lunch money if I looked at you funny?]

(sees everyone in class sleeping)

[JCM: who]

[Fred: Me in a nutshell tbh.]

[Hayden: Glad to see everyone's in the same sleep rhythm. Plus PatBack forgets that not every student has the same attitude towards learning.]

[OMJ: Wow, we're not even a minute in yet.]

Teacher: (excited expression turns into a boring one)

[Hayden: http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-nGPdJ5ynTkk/UMDlwnCIfDI/AAAAAAAADqs/d3QDB4A-FRU/s1600/bored.gif ]

[Jjs: I'd be bored too if I was still being called "Teacher" despite saying my name is "Mr. Alexander" a line above. Consistency, where are you?]

[Teacher: "Oh hello, class. Could you keep it down? I'm trying to be BORING."]

[Hayden: Why are you snarking at your high quality results then?! These poor students are not making that difficult for you.]

Now let’s begin. What is 0 + 0?

[Jjs: Fish.]

[Jimmy Neutron: I know! Eleventy-six!]

[JCM: Can you use it in a sentence?]

[Metal Snake: Is “2+2” not original enough of a math question for this blatant JCMovies rip-off?]

[Hayden: Ooo! Ooo! This episode's final unanimous rating?]

[OMJ: Is this supposed to say something about Ex's intelligence?]

Classmate: Hmm...(stares at the question on the board)...3?

[Hayden: YRwNG18.png ]

[Jjs: Oh come on, I know our education system has been going downhill, but I don't think kids are THAT stupid.] 

[OMJ: Very good, Patrick! You actually said a number this time!]

Teacher: No, you imbecile!

[JCM: Yeah, insult him for your failure at teaching him basic math!]

[Mr. Garrison: “Okay, let’s ask someone who’s not a complete r-tard. Anyone? Come on, children, don’t be shy!”]

[OMJ: BLAST YOU, VILE STUDENT!]

ExKizuna: Shut the fuck up, Alexander!

[Jjs: At least someone calls him by his real name. But hey look guys, Ex cussed to be edgy! COMEDY GOLD!]

[Hayden: This is going to be the teacher/student relationship that Chef/Duncan have in Total Drama Daycare.]

[Cartman: “How would you like to suck my balls, Mr. Garrison?”] 

[Terrance: "Shut your fucking face, Uncle Fuckaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Hey, if Metal can insert SP: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut dialogue into his riffs, so can I.]

[OMJ: Talk about having a terrible, no good, very bad day so far.]

(everyone in class is sleeping)

[Jjs: Accurate.]

[JCM: Even ExKizuna and Teacher Alexander? I wish my school had designated nap times.]

[Fred: Not even Ex cursing out the teacher woke up these students. They must be great at deep sleeping.]

[Hayden: Well if Ex was trying to stand up for Mr. "3", I'm glad he zoned out so quick and missed the entire supportive gesture. Imbecile.]

Teacher: How dare you use such foul language in this classroom!? Keep this up, and I’ll kick you out.

[Metal Snake: Wow, what a nice teacher. Doesn’t even threaten to send him to the principal’s office or give him detention.]

[OMJ: Nope, just straight to expulsion.]

[Hayden: Normally Mr. Alexander would have enough to warrant that kick out already, but he needs all the conscious students he can get.]

ExKizuna: Okay then.

[JCM: My ExKizuna would never be that accommodating. #notmyripoff]

Teacher: Well, now that everyone is quiet, let’s continue. What is 8-1?

[OMJ: Whoa, that's kind of a big leap from 0 + 0, isn't it?]

[Hayden: How are you going to continue like this? That's not professional. How are these sleeping students going to study for the hard test where you ask them what 8-1 is?]

Another Classmate: 3?

[Hayden: http://truegif.com/pictures/gif/1459.gif ]

[Jjs: Teacher, Classmate, Another Classmate. Austin Layers and Carl Housed just keep getting more competition even at our final project in the amazing names department.]

[Fred: I just can't wait for the appearances of Principal, Coach, Guidance Counselor, and Child Molester Steve.]

[OMJ: Shouldn't this kid be sleeping? It's already been hammered into my brain that "everyone in class is sleeping".]

Teacher: Wrong. Pay attention.

[JCM: How about you actually try teaching instead of calling out random equations? PatBack has been in school. He should know how math classes work.]

[Metal Snake: Yay, same joke, same boring pay-off. At least have him swear at him again. If you’re going for South Park-style humor at least be consistent with it.]

ExKizuna: Yeah, you jackass!

[Jjs: Glad to see the Ex adaptation curse continued all the way to our final project. Seriously, I love how 90% of the SBC works riffed here never had Ex in any form of likable light. I get Ex was an asshole at times back then, but if you're going to write a douche character, you should make them amusing. Almost every Ex we saw in these SBC works was just either: cussing for the sake of being edgy or being an unlikable "badass" with no real wit to either. At least try to come with some variety or substance. Anyways, that's all for my rant. Continue with this "compelling" setup.]

[JCM: Don't really care about Ex being a jerk, but at least make him a funny jerk. This Ex is just annoying.]

[Hayden: His reputation precedes him.]

[Metal Snake: Already completely agree with the above riffs, so I’ll just add that Ex has been given no reason to care if anyone in this class gets the damn problems right or not, so why would he swear at them? Oh yeah, I forgot. BECAUSE HE’S A DOUCHE LOL] 

[OMJ: Yes, coming from the jackass calling the other guy a "jackass".]

(everyone in class is still sleeping)

[Jjs: Okay, did any these kids just not get any sleep the night before? I imagine Ex's loud insults would've woken at least someone up by now.]

[Metal Snake: Jesus Christ, is the whole class being asleep really that funny? On that subject, you think at least a few of these kids would be giggling in response to Ex swearing constantly.]

[(Fred Rechid is sleeping because this running gag makes him tired)]

[OMJ: The saying usually goes "you snooze, you lose" but these fuckas are the real winners here.]

[Hayden:

]

Teacher: (starts losing patience) Can you PLEASE be quiet? You are irritating me right now.

[Jjs: Preach, teach.]

ExKizuna: If I should should be quiet, then why not you?

[JCM: because he's the teacher maybe?]

[Jjs: Should should would would could could.]

[Metal Snake: Because he’d get fired for not doing his job?]

[OMJ: He should've been fired by now.]

[Hayden: Especially since he doesn't feel like reprimanding the rest as long as they sleep quietly.]

Teacher: (slams hand on the table) That’s it, King Knows-A-Lot,

[OMJ: I sure hope his mother hasn't been kissed by that mouth.]

[ExKizuna: King Teaches Nothing Worthwhile.]

[Teacher: *slams two hands on table*]

this is your last warning. Be quiet or I will mur-

[Jjs: ...MURDER!? I know Ex is being a dick right now, but Jesus Christ dude.]

[Metal Snake: Just send him to the school counselor’s office.]

[Hayden: In fairness, he'd have no witnesses since the class would sleep through that too.]

(bell rings)

[JCM: You can say fuck but you can't say murder? Standards and Practices is super inconsistent nowadays.] 

[Jjs: Even the bell just wanted this to go somewhere already. As long as that somewhere isn't murder.] 

[OMJ: It's alright, 'cause Ex is saved by the bell!]

[Hayden: Two words that barely count as profanity and a chorus of snoring. Enough to break a man.]

Teacher: (sigh) Good grief. I'm at least gonna have 15 minutes of peace, and quiet.

[Fred: You're a Bad Teacher, Charlie Brown]

[OMJ: That Was a Peculiarly Placed Comma, Charlie Brown]

(1 minute later)

[Not JCM: So much later that the old riffer got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one.] 

Teacher: WHAT?!

[Jjs: What what? What is he even responding to?] 

[Teacher: Eh, what was that, sonny?]

Principal: ExKizuna has been very bad on the playground. He called everyone a retard. Therefore, he is losing recess for a week.

[Fred: Oh hey, it's my favorite character, Principal!]

[JCM: That's kind of retarded.]

[Metal Snake: And of course, no explanation why Ex hates everyone. He insulted them all for no reason because HE’S A DOUCHE LOL]

[OMJ: Why does Jason Alexander even sound surprised to hear that? :Laugh: ] 

[Hayden: Was Ex trying to win a speed challenge for most people called a retard in one minute? I also don't buy the reporting/principal office meeting would take less than the entire recess period.]

Teacher: But do I have to take him today?

Principal: Well, the therapist is on vacation right now, the other teachers are busy,

[OMJ: Well, it's nice to see some teachers doing their jobs.]

and I’m busy.

[Jjs: Busy beavers all around.]

[Metal Snake: BECAUSE WE’RE BUSY BUSY DREADFULLY BUSY]

[The Busy Bee: BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ!]

[Hayden: Calling his parents is not an option?]

Teacher: But I’m also busy....Er, FINE! I’ll take him.

[JCM: Grow some balls, man. You're pitiful.]

[Hayden: Busy trying to figure out a lesson plan for when they get back. Like telling them to spell their own names on a slip of paper.]

[OMJ: I'm sure your left hand can wait.]

Principal: Okay then. Although you could have asked the janitor.

[Jjs: Then why didn't you ask the janitor from the start, asshole?] 

[Metal Snake: What’s the maintenance guy gonna do? Clean up his act?]

[Hayden: The janitor is specialized in discipline? Free mopping?]

[Fred: Ooh, if Charlie Kelly is involved with this, count me in!] 

[OMJ: I'm sure Penry, the mild mannered janitor, has more pressing, saving the world Kung fu-related things to attend to.]

(the teacher facepalms)

[JCM: PITIFUL]

[Fred: 

]

(scene cuts to classroom)

[JCM: Wait, where were we in the last scene? Why are you only doing scene transitions now?]

Teacher: Ex, just sit down nicely and don’t do anything. I need to do some paper work. (looks and writes in his papers for a while)

[Jjs: Probably writing more than whatever PatBack put into this.]

[Hayden: He's writing in their grades.

http://orig00.deviantart.net/d008/f/2013/278/6/6/super_f_by_orochiphoenix19-d6pcubg.gif ]

[Metal Snake: Oh my, is the joke here going to involve him not sitting down nicely and doing something?]

Hey, that’s funny.

[Jjs: It is? Because I'm not laughing.]

[Ostrich: 

]

He isn't talking...(doesn't see Ex in his desk) EXKIZUNA!

[JCM: AAAND THE CHIPMUNKS!]

[Hayden: tenor.gif?itemid=3563323 ]

[Metal Snake: You know what I don’t see? Humor. There needs to be some kind of joke here other than just what we know is going to happen.] 

[OMJ: Oooooh, he said his full name! He's in real deep shit now!]

ExKizuna: (while running) Hehehehe, he'll never catch me.

Teacher: (Mr. Alexander starts chasing ExKizuna around the classrooms and starts heading to the playground)

[OMJ: What is this, a Tom and Jerry cartoon? Can we at least have some cartoon violence?]

[Hayden: http://users.content.ytmnd.com/5/0/6/506c7644e9a42ca750566952b6883468.gif ]

Where is that little brat? (sees a person who looks similar to Ex. Alexander starts chasing him to the cafeteria and catches him) There you are! (sees the real Ex running far from him) Get out of my way! (pushes the other kid.

[OMJ: And this is why jokes like these can hardly fly in written format.]

[Hayden: Well, that kid's parents have a lawsuit to file.]

Alexander goes to the lunch line to find Ex, but slips and makes all the students in that line fall like dominoes)

[JCM: This line was more action than dialogue, and I enjoyed neither of it.]

[Fred: Mr. Alexander went so crazy that he started narrating his own life.]

[Metal Snake: So first, there just so conveniently happens to be an Ex lookalike in this school, and it leads to...cartoon slapstick? I can’t even begin to describe how terrible the set-up for this “comedy” is.] 

[Hayden: So this is how PatBack views authority. Too bad the therapist is on vacation.]

Aquatic Nuggets: Chill out, man. Are you supposed to be a teacher or somethin’?

[Jjs: Oh hey Nugs, didn't know you were here, or any other SBCers for that matter. Maybe this "plot" would've been better had the other classmates been actual users and not no names that just sleep the whole time. If you were going to rip-off JCMovies, you could've at least copied that key aspect.]

[Fred: Couldn't you tell by his name "Teacher"?]

Teacher: Stop calling me a man!

[Metal Snake: Then what do you identify as? A transexual? A made-up gender? A mouse?]

[OMJ: I sure wish this was an already established...thing instead of being randomly tacked on here.]

[Hayden: So fragile masculinity is not on his long list of mental hang-ups.]

Aquatic Nuggets: Okay, woman.

[JCM: Enforcing the gender binary? I'll have to dock you a social justice point from that.] 

[Mermaid Man: GET YER HANDS OFF ME, WOMAN!]

[Mrs. Alexandra: Finally, someone uses my correct pronoun. I have now been relieved of all my murderous intents and anxieties. Soar free, Mr. Kizuna.]

(Alexander beats up AN and chases ExKizuna into the office)

[Jjs: A teacher beating up a student? So much for making us try to feel "sympathetic" for Mr. Alexander/Teacher. Now I don't feel as bad about Ex's attitude towards him, as forced and unfunny as it is.] 

[JCM: Not only did he beat up a student but a black one, at that. I'll have to dock him two social justice points for that.]

[Metal Snake: So now we’re supposed to root for Ex?]

[Hayden: I guess Mr. Alexander has a problem with nuggets on the school cafeteria menu.]

[Fred: Are we even supposed to be rooting for anyone in this lit yet? We've got Ex, the troublemaker who just makes trouble for anyone and does not have a single great quality, Mr. Alexander, who thinks that murdering and abusing his students is okay, and the other classmates who don't serve any purpose in this besides sleeping and getting math problems wrong. That's the problem I have with this lit. None of the main characters are like-able or easy to sympathize with. Right now, I'm rooting for The Laughing Ostrich, and he isn't even in this lit at all.]

[OMJ: I'm rooting for the therapist, personally. Everyone in this lit could use em right now.]

Nurse: Excuse me, Mr. Alexander. Can you please help me with this sick little girl? (gives Alexander medicine)

[JCM: Promoting Big Pharma? RIP your social justice points.] 

[Hayden: So the Nurse could've looked after Ex. Oh wait, they don't know how to administer medicine, never mind.]

Teacher: You can help her yourself, female dog!

[Jjs: Haha, he called her a bitch, how hilarious!] 

[JCM: Is this teacher supposed to be this lit's version of my character from JCMovies? I should sue.

Also, sexism gets you nowhere. I'm docking all of your social justice points. See me after class.]

[Metal Snake: What the hell? Why make the teacher an asshole out of nowhere? Assholes are not funny just because they’re assholes, you need to write them and the jokes they make well like any character.] 

[OMJ: Sure, beat up the black kid, but you draw the line at saying a swear.]

[Hayden: So now he's doing precisely what rose his blood pressure towards Ex? If we were going to take the teacher to this level of hypocrisy, could we at least have seen Ex actually escalate it out of him?]

(throws the medicine to the woman’s face and sees Ex behind her)

[Jjs: A face full of medicine bottle, that's gotta hurt. Part of me hopes the nurse can recover from this heinous act, but another part of me also wonders how she even got to be a nurse in the first place if she doesn't know how to give medicine to her students. This school has the worst staff, ever.]

Okay, ExKizuna, (takes tie off shirt)

[Jjs: whoa there]

[Hayden: He's going to strangle Ex with the tie!]

You are going to be punished properly!

[JCM: PatBack also needs to see me after class for capitalizing that "you" after a comma. You can't fool me with that carefully placed (and very sensual) action.]

[Fred: The fact that he took off his shirt and said that Ex will be punished properly implies that we're gonna be getting some true AlEXander fan-service.]

[Hayden: tenor.gif?itemid=4474462 ]

[OMJ: This makes me wanna watch Fist Fight, a school-based comedy that actually knows how to get laughs outta me.]

ExKizuna: (while running) Wow, how much of a dick can this guy be?

[Jjs: The irony is stunning.] 

[Hayden: Wow, how obvious can PatBack be about writing this to blow off steam towards his own teachers?]

[Metal Snake: How poor can this writing get?]

[ExKizuna: How ba-a-a-ad can I be?] 

[OMJ: Okay there, Bugs.]

Teacher: You should NEVER insult adults, because they can KILL YOU IF YOU DO!!!

[Jjs: Seriously dude, you need to take antipsychotics. I wanted to feel bad for Teacher (I guess I'll call him only that if that's what he wants to identify as), but damn did PatBack do his hardest to make both completely unlikable as fuck. If that was the point, then job well done.] 

[Hayden: uiversally-recognized-as-a-mature-and-re 

But full disclosure, I feel like this aligns with some of PatBack's actual paranoid thoughts.]

[JCM: Looks like we're gonna have to start force-feeding Alexander his bipolar meds now.] 

[Metal Snake: So...was Alexander always a psycho or did Ex drive him to this? Either way, it’s not funny, it’s just lazy. Make him a bigger asshole so we like the lesser asshole Ex because it’s easy. Who cares about making characters genuinely likable?]

[OMJ: And I thought I wrote some unlikeable characters in Deathmatch.]

(the sentence echoes through out the entire school) (Alexander starts running faster than before)

[Hayden: How does it echo through the entire school? He isn't talking into an intercom. You think there'd be more effort put into his downfall moment.]

(ExKizuna starts running through the front gate and back in)

(Alexander is still running.

[Jjs: I think "___ is running" should be the only line in this.]

When he realizes Ex going back into the gate, he loses balance and gets pushed by a car coming by and lands with his mouth on a bus’s extension pipe, also making it stick to his mouth)

[OMJ: And this is why Looney Tunes is better off being seen than read.]

[Metal Snake: Since the cartoon slapstick wasn’t funny the first time, let’s jumble it all together into an incomprehensible mess the second time! Hilarity!] 

(the police comes)

[JCM: Five actions in a row, and two of them on the same line. My head hurts.]

[Hayden: The principal or a school security guard would've come first. Not sure why this got taken out to public.]

[Fred: Yes, but can we just talk about "the police comes" for a moment?]

Police: We’ve got you surrounded! Mr. Alexander, we’ve heard reports of you assaulting women and children by acting like an animal to them.

[OMJ: That's no fair to the animals being lumped in with Patrick Bateman here.]

You will be arrested!

[Jjs: Of course Ex gets off scot free. Maybe this whole "story" would've worked better if both got punished.]

[Metal Snake: YOU GOT EXPOSED!] 

[Fred: In Mr. Alexander's defense, Ex wasn't acting any better. Arrest everyone in this lit.]

(a policeman comes with a saw and cuts part of the extension pipe, still leaving some of it in Alexander’s mouth)

[Hayden: Do the police know what hot water is?]

[JCM: Do policemen here just take saws with them everywhere? If so, that's awesome.]

[OMJ: I'm sure all that practice on the extension pipe will come in handy for prison.]

(police gets Alexander in the car and starts driving away)

Teacher: I will get you someday, ExKizuna!

[Metal Snake: hahanope]

[Hayden: I'd tell you to stick a pipe in it, but it's already there.]

(every student is in the gate of the school, clapping at ExKizuna)

[OMJ: That sounds painful.]

[JCM: Yeah! You were the slightly more likable character! Go Ex!]

[Metal Snake: “In the end, we ended up hating you less after all!”]

[Fred: Boo! Hiss! Boo!]

[Hayden: Every student at the gate taking turns beating the shit out of Ex would've been the more justified ending.]

Principal: Kizuna, at first, we thought you were an ordinary troublemaker. But now, you have put a crazy madman in his place.

[Jjs: Maybe there should've been more buildup to "Teacher" being a madman, because to us, all he was trying to do before Ex angered him was, you know, teach...] 

[Hayden: He was intentionally trying to be boring. Lock him up and throw away the key!]

 You are truly a great person. And to reward you, I present, the Statue of ExKizuna!

[Jjs: Just make him the principal at this point why don't ya.] 

[Hayden: ...But then pick up that key and give it to Ex.

eD9FuOg.gif ]

[Metal Snake: It would be one thing if this was satire, if a good job was done showing self-awareness that Ex didn’t really do anything to deserve this asskissing. But the writing here is so lazy and asinine, they can’t even throw in a simple joke like, “Great job, man! You saved the day by being a total dick!”.] 

[Fred: So not only is ExKizuna a Jerk Ass, he's a Karma Houdini and a Marty Stu too. Ex is basically every TV trope now.]

[OMJ: Jeez, was this all planned or something? Did he just shit a statue out?]

Students : Ooooh…

[JCM: Shouldn't they be in class or something?]

[OMJ: Or sleeping.]

[Hayden: Can this please be one of the student's bad dreams?]

(principal gives Ex the microphone)

ExKizuna: Thank you all for honering me like I'm Jesus.

[OMJ: Reading it with the typo just sounds nasty.]

[Hayden: Those classmates deserve the tougher replacement teacher that's coming that will teach them Common Core...]

However, YOU ARE ALL LOSERS!

[Jjs: YOU MAKE ME SICK YOU BIG BABY! YOU FEELIN' SORRY FOR YERSELF!?] 

[Metal Snake: “all of u are idiots!!!”]

[Fred: That escalated quickly.]

[Hayden: DunKizuna.latest?cb=20090702011658 ]

(everyone gasps and Ex gets a girl and goes on a motorcycle with her)

[OMJ: And then are they gonna cruise dangerously around Dead Man's Curve?]

[ExKizuna: WFTHbMU.gif ]

ExKizuna: Harharharharhar. (the motorcycle leaves)

[Jjs: Only the motorcycle? So did Ex and the girl just fall off?] 

[JCM: Man, everything's getting so smart nowadays, even motorcycles have minds of their own.]

[Metal Snake: Damn, all the motorcycles on autopilot. Gonna put them biker gangs out of a hobby.] 

[Fred: You're know you're a real bad egg when even a sentient motorcycle hates you.]

Principal:...Oh come on. That statue cost us all our budget. Oh son of a-

[Jjs: Thus, unnamed school went bankrupt, with many kids losing their educations, but psh, who cares about than when we got Ex being a badass!]

[Metal Snake: The moral of the story is don’t spend all your money on rewarding a troublemaker after he does one good deed.]

[Fred: And they all lived crappily ever after. Bite me.]

[Hayden: Ex did them a favor. Unlimited sleep!]

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

[JCM: ____________________________________________________________________________________________________] 

[Jjs: Long line. I guess PatBack really wanted us to take a long break after that, and I don't blame him.]

[Cartman: ALL THE LINES, LINES, LINES!!!!!]

[Fred: Whose line is it anyway?]

[OMJ: Are we supposed to ad-lib here?]

[Hayden: If only he had known where to draw a line with the character dynamics.]

Hope you enjoy!

[Jjs: Well I certainly didn't. Much like Parody Panel, this was painfully unfunny and a very cheap attempt at trying to be JCMovies. If you want to copy JCMovies, you need to actually tell more jokes than just "haha Ex is an asshole XD". Even then, Ex being a douche cannot carry an entire chapter, especially when he's such a cardboard cutout. It's so confused on who we're even supposed to "root" for, because both Ex and "Teacher" stooped to each other's levels and I don't know who I found more annoying. Ex of course gets treated like Jesus because he's Ex. It's not even funny, and if this was PatBack's attempt at trying to "mock" someone (since I recall he disliked Ex around this time), it also fails badly in that regard. At least PatBack stopped this right here, because I don't think we needed a lazy attempt at trying to be the next JCMovies when we already had a literature at the time that did the same thing as this (spoiler: it was called JCMovies). Much like Parody Panel, I honestly don't think this would've gotten any better had it continued after this. I will say though it is oddly poetic that the second to last riff focuses on Ex (even if it's a terrible version of him), since he was the one who helped me even make Riffing Theater. Therefore, I can weirdly give it some credit in that regard, as botched as his characterization is. Welp, it's hard to believe guys, but the next riff is the last riff. We'll be taking a trip back to 2011, by bringing things full circle...]

[JCM: I don't think JCMovies was that great looking back, but I at least tried to do more than lolrandom humor and swearing just for swearing's sake. My lit had actual characters and not just a bunch of hollow stereotypes with SBC members' names slapped on them. ExKizuna was a bully, but he also cared about his friends and wasn't afraid to act as wacky as the guys he beat up. The key to comedy is subverting stereotypes, not just mashing a bunch of them together and calling it humor. I've riffed JCMovies before, so I know its flaws, but even at its worst, it wasn't nearly as boring and exploitative as this. I wish I knew about it when PatBack made it (literally the day before JCMovies' second season started) so I could have sent him a cease and desist. It wouldn't have mattered much anyway, though, because despite starting the thread for this lit off by acknowledging that all of his other spin-offs were cancelled and promising (with all his heart!!!) that this one wouldn't be cancelled, too, he never wrote another episode. Maybe he realized stealing from me was a dumb way to start a following, maybe he realized his lit sucked, maybe he had trouble producing episodes in literally the easiest format to produce episodes in, (I know! I created it!) but whatever his reason was for ending Classless SBC Skits early, I'm glad he did it, because we do not need more of this in the world. And since this is my second-to-last riff, I might as well do one last plug for JCMovies: It's Like The Classy SBC Skits, But It Isn't Godawful!

Wow. I haven't ended one of these with a rant in a while. I was gonna do my usual thing where I make a quick joke and sign off, but this seemed like as good a time to do a rant as any. Hope those of you who didn't immediately skip over it liked it. I sure liked writing it. See you guys in the finale.]

[Metal Snake: Yup, no sir, I did not like this. This was boring. Just boring. Underdeveloped plots and characters, I can tolerate in a one-shot story that’s meant for laughs, because a comedy is about humor at its core and a pilot is meant to be an outline for a series. Regardless, this outline sucked because it was flat-out unfunny and showed a terrible outline for what would’ve been a terrible series. The premise puts no twist on the “Two Assholes Go At It Like Tom and Jerry” cliche, Ex doesn’t have a single likable trait that makes you want to root for him, and not one joke had a clever setup or even a remotely amusing punchline. Comedy takes time and thought, and little of either went into this. If you’re not willing to put forth an effort, don’t put forth a show until you’ve pruned yourself. That is all, I am happy to have had my warm-up for the finale…] 

[Fred: Let me talk about a show that knows how to use dysfunctional characters right. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. All the characters may be incompetent and offensive, but some of them also manage to be the decent straight man/woman of the episode. Plus, it's funny. Apply the same thing to this, except strip away the funny and make every character straight up unlikeable. Pretty much no one in this lit seem to have any good qualities to them at all. They're just being bad for the sake of being bad. And making Ex swear all the time comes more off as edgy than funny. I almost want to think that PatBack straight up made a trollfic, except it isn't. The title may say "The Classy SBC Skits", but I call it false advertising.

Now, I'll see you all in the grand finale! (Fred starts running from Mr. Alexander)]

[Hayden: 55 months after the Bikini Top finale that Ex and I riffed together. My tried and true co-worker even if he sped off on a motorcycle after one shift. I want to thank every co-worker I've ever had on Riffing Theater. "Forever Young" was the first riff with more than 2 souls on it, and the increase in ownage was so noticeable. Riffing Theater really promoted community solidarity and a chance for many people to speak their mind. I've riffed on 16 previous project finales and I'm ready for our last jumbo-sized extravaganza. Maybe we'll break the GIF record.]

[OMJ: Yeah, I can't really add nothin that hasn't already been said. So I'll just fill the quick joke void that JCM just left. Stay Classy, Riffing Theater!]

One riff remains...Stay tuned for a fun trip down memory lane in the Riffing Theater series finale!

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