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Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000


Jinjo

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3 hours ago, jjsthekid said:

They have white uniforms in them. Squidward's has blue stripes on it, Sandy's has Brown stripes, Gary's has green stripes, Patrick's has pink stripes and Spongebob's has Yellow stripes. They stand on the rubble of the bakery. A few fish start to laugh at their uniforms.

So yeah, I'm still mystified by the reason they had to dress up as sailors...wearing colored stripes. Was it National Pride Day or did they just want to look fancy picking something up from the bakery?

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Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

10. Fear of the Fright Snail

Spoiler

10. Fear of the Fright Snail :

[Metal Snake: Ooh goody, is this going to be a creepypasta about the cancelled sequel to Fear of a Krabby Patty?]

[Rusty: Fear of the Fright Snail? I smell redundancy!]

[Hayden: Is the snail frightening or is this chapter dealing with someone's phobia of snails that are scared? Latter plz.]

[SOF: This spin-off always has me fearing for it, so it's good to see a title sharing my sentiments.]

Plot :

[Metal Snake: Minor nitpick, I know this was a TV.com spin-off initially, but what the fudge is up with every episode beginning with “Plot:”? This is an episode, not a synopsis of an episode. To be fair, these may as well just be synopses of episodes seeing how little story actually happens in them.]

[SOF: If these were just the synopses, then I'm sincerely worried on how past jjs would've written the actual episodes.]

It was a dark and stormy night in Bikini Bottom.

[Rusty: I took a creative writing class.]

[SOF: Some guy named SOF was riffing this spin-off.]

[Hayden: aaaaaaaand-youve-lost.jpg ]

It was the night Before Halloween.

[Hayden: Halloween keeps coming so early in 2017.]

[Metal Snake: The Nightmare Before Christmas? No, I take it back, that’s an insult to that movie. Halloween Town had a much more creative introduction than “a dark and stormy night”.]

We then take a look at the Bikini Bottom Zoo.

[SOF: Boy, nothing sets the scene for a Halloween episode like going to the zoo, eh boys?]

Some Employees are in the Office drinking coffee.

[Rusty: Cue The Office theme.]

[Metal Snake: Lmao, love how we went from Halloween Town to the zoo to The Office.]

[Hayden: What zoos are open late at night with office workers?]

Just then, we hear a rumbling sound. The one employee says," What was that...?"

[SOF: A rumbling sound.]

Just then, the wall explodes open!

[Metal Snake: “Just then, a loud explosion occurs!”

If Episode 7 was a rip-off of Episode 4, is this one going to be a rip-off of Episode 5? Is the rumbling a reference to “Robot Rumble”?]

[Rusty: This series was directed by Michael Bay.]

[Hayden: 612053577-The_Wall_explodes.gif ]

Something comes through the broken wall. We see 2 red glowing eyes. The Zoo Employees panic and one of them grabs the phone and Calls the Zoo Guards.

[SOF: ...They're calling themselves? Mindfuck.]

[Metal Snake: Hunh? I thought these guys were the zoo guards. If they were just employees taking a break, they should’ve been in the break room. What do they need an office for? Though I would laugh if they were just slacking off in their manager’s office while he was away.]

[Hayden: At least Zoo Guards is a believable profession for people to be that late there for.]

[Zoo Guard: Quick! Someone call the Zoo Guards! Oh wait, that's me! Shit!]

Just then, A few Zoo Guards arrive and kick down the door. They have guns with them.

[Metal Snake: Woah, lock and load, this kid’s show just took the kid’s gloves off!]

[Rusty: Zoo Guards by day, Trophy Hunters by night.]

[Hayden: Never bring a gun to a glowing red eye fight.]

The mysterious figure is actually a Snail!

[SOF: Wow, the title totally didn't imply that, like, at all, no sir. I thought it was going to be a clam! Could've fooled me.]

We can only see the shadow of it.

[SOF: Who knows what sloppy writing lurks inside the hearts of men-nope, not re-using that again. But lol at this spin-off only wanting "we" to see the dastardly shadow instead of anything else.]

The Zoo Guards attack it with their guns, but the Snail bites them and rams the guns out of their hands.

[Metal Snake: What just what. It’s obvious this snail is supposed to be strong, but how did it bite them all and disarm them all while dodging a line of bullets?! Did he borrow Skodwarde’s god powers?!]

[Rusty: They better check for splinters.]

[SOF: Apparently this snail learned from the ATTWL 3 users how to avoid gunshots.]

[Hayden: I choose to believe the Zoo Guards just tried to whack the snail with the guns instead of firing them, allowing for their arms to get exposed to attack. Because that's a very Bikini Bottom thing to do.]

It meows and bites one. We then see a close up of its Face, and it looks suspiciously like Gary…

[SOF: It's probably Larry, bet that jerk is back for revenge.]

[Metal Snake: It bit ONE of them?! You just said it bit all of them! Then Face is in this now...and he looks like Gary?! hilaryfan80 would be horrified.]

[Rusty: Definitely check for splinters.]

[Hayden: I wonder who the episode wants us to think it is.

Hm9VKlo.jpg?1 ]

The next day, Spongebob and gang are at the Krusty Krab.

[SOF: "The next day"? So it's Halloween already? Wanna set the mood for that to make us care, or nah? I guess the setting budget was wasted on "dark and stormy night" for the night before. Whoops.]

Mr. Krabs is raising the prices for Halloween.

[Rusty: hahahahha not funny]

[Metal Snake: Ah, I love lazy “Mr. Krabs is cheap” jokes. ]

[Hayden: Because it's scary how bad that food is for your health?]

Gary starts to eat a Krabby Patty.

[SOF: I hope he paid for it.]

Mr. Krabs yells," Spongebob, I warned you to stop bringing pets to Work!" Spongebob says," Gary is special, he isn't an ordinary pet!" Mr. Krabs says," Bah ok. He is a part of your Mystery solving crew thing after all."

[Rusty: hahahahha not funny]

[Metal Snake: Because Mr. Krabs relents that easily. I’m sure that’s also how he would respond to Spongebob wanting more time off for his “Mystery solving crew thing”.]

[Hayden: Now here's what Mr. Krabs would actually do.

tenor.gif ]

Just then, a fish enters the Krusty Krab who is called Nathan.

[Metal Snake: Nope, nope, nope, I’m sick of the NathanJR94 jokes. So I’ll just say he’s Nathan from Storm Racers. :P

[Rusty: Freddie Benson!]

[Hayden: This just made me remember I had a cousin Nathan that I haven't thought about in years.]

[SOF: I don't know why, but there's something really off about this introduction. Maybe it's just me, and I can't speak for everyone, but I'm pretty sure when I introduce myself into a story, I don't say "a user enters the Riffing Theater who is called SOF". Apologies to anyone who actually uses that type of introduction.]

He walks up to the register and says to Squidward," Er, may I have The Kelp Dog?" But Nathan trips and bumps into Two Fish wearing Hockey Jerseys.

[SOF: Looks like Nathan also needs to tie his shoes.]

[Hayden: That's what he gets for ordering an item that isn't real. There are kelp fries, kelp shakes, kelp rings, kelp cereal. But I have never heard of this silly kelp meat idea.]

[Metal Snake: Because Burger King is where I go to show my passion for sports.]

[Rusty: Hockey is nonsensical below the 37th parallel.]

They say," Move it Nerd!" They kick him and Nathan starts to cry and runs out of the Krusty Krab.

[Metal Snake: Wow, I know sports fans can be dicks, but Christ.]

[Hayden: Yay, standard high school cliches to remind us this is a show about groovy teens and not a collection of middle-aged somethings.]

[Rusty: That's an average Predators fan.]

"Nathan seems very upset!" Spongebob says.

[SOF: No, really now? Could've fooled me.]

[Rusty: No shit Sherlock.]

[Hayden: He just needs a Kelp Dog shoved in his mouth and he'll feel better.]

Squidward then says," Meh."

[SOF: Same, Squidward.]

[Metal Snake: Quality character interaction. When was it established that Spongebob even knew Nathan?]

[Hayden: I feel like Squidward expresses this feeling in more words on the show.]

Meanwhile, a Sea Bus is driving along. But then, something rams onto the roof. The Passenger start to panic.

[Metal Snake: These fucking transitions again. Let’s just cut to a random bus being attacked by the monster because how else are we going to move this plot along? And “The Passenger” starts to panic? Just this one guy? Is this just part of an ordinary day for everyone else?]

[SOF: A bus that's in trouble...OH GOD, I'm getting very bad ATTWL 3 flashbacks. Hopefully this bus doesn't go off an out of nowhere cliff and have a note from Mr. N float up from the wind.]

[Rusty: The passenger? One person? I'll buy it.]

[Hayden: I'm glad the driver is keeping the coolest head in all this.]

Something starts to rip through the Roof and it jumps down into the Bus. The Bus Driver faints and hits a button which closes the door. 

[Hayden: Maybe he got too relaxed of a head.... ]

The Same Snail from earlier appears and growls. It looks exactly like Gary, except it has Red Glowing Eyes.

[Metal Snake: I also fucking love all the random capitalization of words that should be in lowercase. The Passenger, The Same Snail, and Red Glowing Eyes would make for some great horror movie titles.]

[SOF: Want to make an evil version of a character? Just give 'em red glowing eyes, it's that simple!]

[Hayden: Are fancy colored light bulbs installed in this snail's sockets?]

It starts to attack the passengers and then it jumps and smashes through a window. Some of the passengers faint.

[SOF: I thought there was only one passenger earlier. Where did these "some others" come from? Jeez, this spin-off can't even be consistent for more than four sentences.]

[Metal Snake: If it can tear through a fucking bus roof, they’re lucky to have just fainted.]

[Hayden: Fainting everywhere, but he can't describe what happened to the ones actually attacked?]

[Rusty: Now it's plural. Good grammar...not.]

Then, Officer Nancy arrives at the scene in her Police Boat.

[SOF: Yeah, what else is new.]

She says," Well, well, well. Spongebob, I'm disappointed in you. Letting your snail attack a bus.." Spongebob says," What?" Gary meows in a mad way, which means he is denying this rumor.

[Rusty: like we didn't know that]

[Hayden: Rumors give tumors.]

[SOF: Thanks for holding our hands spin-off. I could've thought Gary was mad because nobody died on the bus, silly me.]

Sandy says," Gary isn't evil!"

[Metal Snake: A better argument for his innocence would be that he doesn’t take steroids. Or better yet, that he hasn’t been rolling around in any toxic waste puddles lately.]

[Hayden: Sandy clearly hasn't watched the episode Gary Takes a Bath.]

[SOF: Just a minor nitpick, but why is Sandy saying this? It just feels like this line should've been said by SpongeBob instead. I guess past jjs realized Sandy hadn't said anything up until now, and needed to force dialogue for her.]

Officer Nancy doesn't listen and she arrests Gary.

[SOF: How? Did she cuff his eyestalks? Also, I love how this is apparently okay, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised considering it's the Bikini Bottom Police. Maybe stuff like this is why they only have one officer and police boat.]

She throws him into the Police Boat and they drive off.

[Rusty: She makes a right turn on red, stopping first to check both ways.]

[Hayden: How did she cuff Gary? Why is she taking an animal to jail? Will this story ever be consistent about whether Gary is treated like a member of society or a lowly pet that can only be in restricted areas?]

Gary splats onto the Back Window and meows. Spongebob yells," Gaaaaaarrrrrry!"

[Rusty: I don't even have a joke here. Uuuuh..."Don't look up Cluster Headache Attack on YouTube" I guess?]

[Hayden: So much splatter. Officer Nancy should be arrested for reckless driving.]

Squidward says," She is arresting a Snail?"

[Metal Snake: Didn’t you see the cuffs she put on his eyes?]

[Hayden: If I had a dime for every time a fictional character stole our riffs...]

Sandy says," Hop in the Mystery Boat, I know for sure she is headed towards the Zoo!"

[Hayden: Not the police station because?????] 

[SOF: So, wait. Let me get this straight. They throw convicted animals into the zoo, and not an animal prison? Because in the SDMI episode jjs was trying to copy, it was the latter, which made much more sense than a zoo. I never thought I'd be confused by this spin-off not copy and pasting something, but here we are.]

They hop in and drive off.

[SOF: Did they literally hop in like rabbits?]

They arrive at the Bikini Bottom Zoo and enter in. They see Seahorses, Giant Clams, Jellyfish and even Eels in cages. They seem calm and happy. They are enjoying their habitats.

[Metal Snake: When did this turn into National Geographic?]

[Rusty: Where's David Attenbourriugh?]

[SOF: Boy, nothing sets the mood for a Halloween episode like National Geographic, eh boys?]

[Hayden: tumblr_okptbtbts51w3x7tyo1_500.gif

 And here we have the seahorse, using its tail to grip onto a plant. The intense labor it is going through makes holding on and squeezing a necessity.]

Just then, we hear a meow. Spongebob says," Gary!" We see Gary in a cage with 2 Other Snails. One has an Orange Shell and Blue Body, and the other has a Red Body and a Green Shell.

[SOF: Thanks for describing to me their colors, but I highly doubt they will be relevant, so this just seems like fluff.]

They seem happy that Gary is here.

[Metal Snake: Happy to have their way with the new guy, I hope not.]

[Rusty: This is prison. So they may be happy for something else.]

[Hayden: Guess those two get sick of each other's company fast.]

They say," Be Glad kid, The Zoo isn't a bad place." Gary meows sadly. The One snail

[Metal Snake: THE ONE SNAIL OH GOD I AM DEAD

“I just have a feeling that you’re The One! THE ONE!”]

[Hayden: Just give them quick names, geez.]

[SOF: One Snail, Two Snail, Red Snail, Blue Snail.]

says," Oh..your not a stray. I see. Well, we lived on the streets. Until the kind Zoo People took us in." The Other one says," This snail doesn't belong here. What did you do to end up here?" Gary meows and meows. The Snail says," What a shame."

[Metal Snake: “Yeah, what a shame they threw a potentially dangerous monster in here to feed off of us.” Does this zoo also put seals and sharks in the same tanks?]

[Rusty: The Kind Zoo People drugged us!]

[Hayden: Yeah, I'm laughing that they think Gary tore up a bus and decide a nice little zoo retirement is the appropriate punishment. Imagine if they had the right snail.]

Spongebob and gang arrive and bang against the window.

[SOF: Wait, a window? But the earlier line implied they were behind a cage. INCONSISTENCY POLICE!]

A Zoo Guard says," Back Off! Your disturbing them!"

[Hayden: My disturbing. Your disturbing. Our disturbing.]

Just then, we hear a Mysterious Voice

[Metal Snake: I love it when voices have their own characters. Such innovation. :) ]
[Rusty: OOOH, is it Mr. Neptune?]

say,"..Mystery-Incorporated.." The Zoo Guard says," It came from the Scallop Cage.." They go into a building and see small cages blocked in glass covers in there. They walk up toward the Scallop Exhibit. The Scallop says," Hello Children.."

[Metal Snake: “Hello there, children. Would you like to suck my chocolate salty balls?”]

[Rusty: NO EATING IN MY CLASSROOM!]

[Hayden: 

]

Sandy says," Is that..." Squidward says," It couldn't be.."

[SOF: Yes, it's a scallop. Calm yourselves.]

The Guard says," Yes, it is the Scallop that belonged to those kids who went missing in those caves.

[SOF: Oh, okay. I love how such a supposedly historic animal is just chilling in the zoo.]

It's amazing though. He barely talks." Sammy the Scallop has a scar on one of his eyes.

[Metal Snake: Scallops don’t even have eyes. That must be one nasty dent on his shell.]

[Hayden: Maybe pick something with an eye to use as Pericles. Even if this is a funny visual.]

He says," Well, well, well, hello children. I see you discovered I am not dead."

[Rusty: BUT HE'S DEAD INSIDE AMIRITE GUIES?]

[Hayden: Easy discovery when you say "Mystery Incorporated" and draw attention to yourself.]

[SOF: When did anybody ever imply in this spin-off he was dead?]

The Guard then says," Back Away! While he may be a scallop, he is very intelligent." Sammy says," Very Correct Zoo Guard Derek.

[Metal Snake: Somebody make a show about the quirky misadventures of Very Correct Zoo Guard Derek.]

[Hayden: What a defensive zoo guard and friend. They probably have long intimate talks. Nothing weird here.]

[Rusty: "Very Correct Undisputed Champion of the Hunger Games Zoo Guard Derek"]

[SOF: If Very Correct Zoo Guard Derek turns out to be incorrect about something, then this name is a load of shit.]

But did you notice the Tazer

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: taser]

that has been mysteriously taped to your fin?" Derek then says," Wait- Wha!" He gets shocked and he collapses to the ground.

[Rusty: Don't tase me bro!]

[Hayden: And where did PeriClam get that from? Could've spat a pearl.]

Sammy says," Watch out Children..the one you seek is arriving." We then hear a rumbling sound.

[Metal Snake: What, again? What’s it from this time? Winnie the Pooh’s tummy?]

The Gang exits the Building and sees some coming from the snail cage.

[Rusty: No comment.]

[Hayden: These snails really are outrageous.]

[SOF: Some what?]

The Evil Snail is attacking Gary and the others! It then bursts through the window. The 2 Snails then faint.

[SOF: It was nice not knowing the both of you.]

Both Gary and The Fright Snail (Or so I shall call it)

[SOF: Wow, not even Shakespeare could top these inner monologues!]

[Hayden: Cave Snail (Or so I shall call it) is confusing me with how random all its assholery has been. Is there even a mystery at the core of this?]

start to fight and they move away and clash into another. They trip Nathan, who happens to Walk by.

[Metal Snake: Don’t you just love it when the plot just happens to walk by and you accidentally trip it up?]

His Mom is with him.

[SOF: Yeah, I'd go with my son to a zoo on Halloween too, especially one that's being attacked by a crazy animal.]

She says," Well, hello children."

[SOF: Is this the spin-off's catchphrase at this point?]

Sandy says," Hi Nathan." Nathan says," H-H-H-Hi Sandy.."

[SOF: Hello SBCers. Hello SBMers.]

Squidward says," What if YOU are behind the Evil Snail's actions? You might be seeking revenge on people for picking on you." Nathan says," What..?"

[Rusty: and why?]

[Metal Snake: My sentiments exactly. Talk about an abrupt, hefty accusation.]

[Hayden: Why wasn't his mom with him at the Krusty Krab? Also, Squidward can't lay off today.]

[SOF: Jeez, these so-called "expert" mystery solvers sure can be assholes. Apparently accusing people of a crime with no proof out of the blue is one trait they share in common with the SpongeBoy gang.]

His Mom says," He was with me all night." Nathan starts to cry and yells," How dare you excuse me of such a crime?! Especially you Sandy!" They walk away and Nathan crys some more.

[SOF: Yeah, go and cry some more, you big baby! You feelin' sorry for yourself? Well you should be, because YOU ARE DIRT! Baby want a bottle? BIG DIRT BOTTLE!?]

[Metal Snake: *sigh* Sorry if I’m sort of stealing Jjs’ spotlight here in pointing out the poor SDMI adapting, but it may interest you to know that I actually did see some of the actual SDMI episode this is based off of. In it, Jason, the character Nathan is based off of, had a crush on Velma, who Sandy is based off of...but there’s no such explanation here on why Nathan is “especially mad” at Sandy, and the sudden introduction of his mother just seals the deal on how terribly built up this all is.]

[Hayden: Sandy didn't even say anything, shut up you sniveling kid. Funny how quickly you can turn on a character.]

They see The Fright Snail biting Gary and Gary whacks him off with his Slimy Tail.

[Hayden: Use another Slimy Tail! That's like Iron Tail, but with slime.]

Gary tackles the Fright Snail into some crates. The fish start to panic from the Fright Snail and yell," Runaway Animal!" The Fright Snail's skin starts to tears off, revealing it is a robot!

[SOF: Damn, you don't see this type of intense fighting on WWE or Community Deathmatch!]

[Metal Snake: MECHA SNAILZILLA]

[Rusty: I SURRENDER!]

It hisses with a bloodcurdling scream.

[SOF: Fancy vocabulary you got there. At least past jjs tried out some big words.]

The 2 Snails fight. Gary then smashes his shell into it and they go flying out of the zoo. 

[Hayden: Where my laws of physics at?]

[SOF: What the hell? GARY AND FRIGHT SNAIL...AWAY!]

Spongebob and gang chase after them. Patrick says," Snails can fly?"

[Metal Snake: Patrick existed?]

[Rusty: Sandy's a Girl?]

[Hayden: Squidward's still unlikeable?]

[SOF: This spin-off is confusing me?]

The Fright Snail lands in a dumpster.

[SOF: Belongs in the trash. Also, I love how we're at the end of the episode, and the villain is finally called by their proper name.]

It is about to attack Gary, but the dumpster gets lifted up by The Dump Boat and it dumps all of the garbage into it and the Fright Snail gets crushed within the trash.

[SOF: Wow, sure, okay. Thank you, convenient Dump Boat! For fuck's sake, our "heroes" didn't even set up a trap on their own...]

It's Steel Shell goes flying off and hits a Mysterious Cloaked fish in the face.

[Metal Snake: The mysterious cloaked fish that just appeared?]

[Rusty: How...mysterious. HAHAHAHA]

[Hayden: The cloaked controller of this snail who could've controlled it manually from far, far away but happens to be right next to the fight to get exposed?]

The Figure collapses. The Gang grabs the fish and pulls down the hood. It is Nathan's Mom!

[SOF: Shocker. I mean, really though, was the gang even suspecting anybody else? If this spin-off was written better, I could've suspected it was Very Correct Zoo Guard Derek.]

She says," Yes, I did it! I was tired of Nathan being picked on, so I created a Demonic Robot Snail which looked very like your snail. I didn't intend it to however.

[Metal Snake: Intend it to...what? Look like Gary? How can you bullshit like that when you designed the damn thing?!]

[Rusty: That confirms that Gary is the devil.]

[Hayden: Nothing like your design flaw hurting the only friend it was established that Nathan has on his side.]

But when you came by and blamed Nathan of all things, I set it to kill you!

[SOF: Taking "overprotective mother" to a new, fucked up level.]

And I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids and your snail!"

[Hayden: Okay, but that still doesn't explain the random bus and zoo attacks. Was it even programmed to hurt those hockey players?]

[Metal Snake: Uh, no. You would’ve at least gotten away with a charge of attempted murder had you just kept your mouth shut. Disregard for public safety is a much less severe charge. Idiot.]

[Rusty: Haha...You're over estimating yourself.]

The Cops take her away.

[SOF: Welp, it was nice not knowing ya, Nathan's Mom! I hope Nathan's Dad is a much more sane parent.]

Nathan says," Mom, why?!" Sandy says," We're sorry Nathan. We got suspicous.

[Grammar Police: suspicious]

But you and me, it won't happen. But we can still be friends." Nathan says," Ok!" Squidward says," Well, he took that well."

[Metal Snake: Maybe because there was nothing that clearly indicated he had a crush on Sandy. He never expressed his feelings to her, so what the hell? This ironically makes them the awkward ones instead of Nathan.]

[Sandy: Your mom was just taken to jail, so let me rub salt in the wound by saying you're undesirable to me as a romantic partner.]

[SOF: Wait, there was a romantic plot going on? That would've been nice to know instead of being thrown at us out of nowhere.]

We then see Derek wake up and Sammy the Scallop is missing from his cage. Spongebob then receives a Text Message from Mr. N.

[SOF: Mr. N also has SpongeBob's number now apparently. Creepy.]

Spongebob says," It says: Follow the Scallop."

[Metal Snake: “Just follow the crumbs!”

PQYSyQd.jpg?1&key=7faf36bbc8671fdc354bde

Since I’m not going to be riffing another episode for a while, I’ll end this by saying, damn. This show gets worse when you compare it to the source material that inspired it. It’s funny how I ended my first riff talking about my excitement to riff the Yu-Gi-Oh! episodes, being much more familiar with Yu-Gi-Oh! than Scooby-Doo. I guess I can now expect riffing those to be even more fun. :D

[Rusty: Hopefully it doesn't take me THREE WEEKS TO READ THE NEXT ONE...i hate you school, and my sinuses.]

[Hayden: Maybe Mr. N should stalk his own escaped best friend instead of asking a bunch of kids to do it. After all, he's known literally everything before they do. The awkward shit with Nathan kind of undermined Gary's hero role. Onwards to 13. This won't be the last encounter I have with frustrating scallops.] 

[SOF: Wow, that kind of sucked. If this was supposed to be the spin-off's "Halloween episode", it was a pretty damn bad one. It feels like this chapter had no clue what it wanted to do. First it's apparently trying to be Halloween themed, but then it isn't because that whole aspect goes nowhere, then it tries to give Gary focus but he doesn't really do a whole lot, then we get Professor Per-I mean, Sammy's debut (and psst, Sammy won't be like Pericles at all, making any "creepiness" in that scene forced), then we get an extremely vaguely implied romance between the character of the day and Sandy that had no reason to be there...yeah, this one was honestly a mess. In the SDMI episode this was based on, everything I mentioned had actual focus and build-up to each element. At least we got the wise and honorable Very Correct Zoo Guard Derek out of it though. Well folks, this was my last riff of the first half. Which will be the better version of USMI? Jjs copying SDMI, or winging a sloppy weird story of his own on the fly? You'll find out soon enough, and boy am I scared...]

11. Tunnel Trails

Spoiler

11. Tunnel Trails

[Jjs: Ah yes, this chapter. This, along with Robot Rumble, were the only chapters in the first half to not be copy and pasted from SDMI. Let's see how my past self fares with something actually original for a change.]

[Teenj: Going over the past few riffing's for this show, I can tell this definitely didn't hold up well (though, I still think SpongeBoy is worse lol). Without further ado, let's get into this one.]

: Plot : One night at a construction site, some workers are building a Hotel in the outskirts of Bikini Bottom. A Worker named Arger

[Jjs: Why couldn't the construction worker get into the pirate movie? Because it was rated Arg!

But seriously, WTF kind of a name is that? I'm disappointed The 3rd Worker didn't reappear for this. :( ]

[Teenj: I'm also trying to figure out who would even consider going to a random hotel on the outskirts of the city.]

says," I just heard something.."

[Jjs: Yeah, I imagine you'd hear a lot of noise at a construction site.]

[Teenj: 1366173128022.jpg ] 

Another worker named Den

[Jjs: Better than "Arger", I guess, but is he related to Dan from Eelz?]

says," Probably just your stupid imagination. Now get back to work."

[Jjs: I can see Den is friendly so far.]

[Teenj: Well I'd be agitated too, having to do construction work at the dead of night.]

He hammers in a board

[Jjs: C09u0qX.jpg ] 

and then a hissing sound fills the air.

[Jjs: BOO! HISS!]

A large green Sea Snake appears!

[Jjs: Probably this bastard:

B5Vl2br.jpg ] 

It attacks a Boat with tools in it and it falls over. The Green Sea Snake hisses and throws up its Two hands, which have snake mouths on them!

[Jjs: My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.]

[Teenj: 608-nicki-minaj-anaconda.gif ]

Arger says," Snakes don't have hands!"

[Jjs: Maybe Den was right about your stupid imagination. Now get back to work!]

The Sea Snake Creature

[Teenj: Such a compelling name!]

[Jjs: I thought it was Green Sea Snake, not The Sea Snake Creature. Don't you fuck me up with multiple names like the Lobster Man did.]

laughs and goes," Heh heh heh.."

[Jjs: Michael Jackson?]

It crunches a rod holding up some of the building and it starts to tip over.

[Jjs: I SAY WE TIP SOMETHING OVER!]

Den and a few other workers help push it up.

[Jjs: LOLWUT!? How much progress did they have on the hotel if they can easily push it back up after falling!? Do these workers have damn superhuman strength?! You know what, this is too funny for me to even criticize, so I'll let it pass.]

[Teenj: Must be nighttime adrenaline. Wait, is that a thing?]

But the building goes falling down on them and crushing them.

[Jjs: ...Well never mind. RIP Arger, Den and unnamed workers. Press F to pay respects.]

[Teenj: Lol, well that was... gruesome. What's the rating on this spin-off again?]

The Sea Snake slitters away, but only to lose a tooth which lands in the sand.

[Jjs: Biting a rod can do that to you. Hopefully this guy can afford dental care.]

Spongebob is sleeping in his house. He wakes up and steps on something.

[Jjs: Probably Patrick's rubber ducky.]

[Teenj: Or maybe Gary had a little 'accident'.]

It is a sticky note!

[Jjs: Or that.]

It is stuck to his foot and he reads it. It says," Spongebob and friends, get over to the construction site which was building a hotel." Spongebob says," It is from Mr. N! But Was..? That can't be good.." He wakes up Gary, who seems mad. He calls Sandy, patrick and Squidward.

[Jjs: lol at Patrick not being capitalized. Poor sucker.]

[Teenj: I love that description, lmao. "get over to the construction site which was building a hotel."... yeah. I'm sure there was a better way to phrase that.]

They arrive outside his house and they discuss on what is going on.

[Jjs: Instead of just going right to the scene of the crime.]

[Teenj: Yeah, it would of saved them a lot of time if they just met up at the construction site.]

Squidward pulls out his keys and calls the Mystery Boat, which comes out of his house's garage.

[Jjs: The garage that Squidward's house suddenly has now.]

They all hop inside and drive off. They arrive at the demised Construction site.

[Jjs: ...Demised? I appreciate younger me for trying some new vocabulary, but "demised" isn't the word I'd use here. That's implying the construction site died. Destroyed or wrecked would make sense.]

[Teenj: I'll give younger!Jjs some leeway here. At least he got the general point across. :P ]

Workers are hurt in pain.

[Jjs: I figured getting crushed by an unfinished building would do that. These guys are lucky to even be alive.]

[Teenj: How the hell are they still alive?]

Sandy says," What happened?!" Gary sniffs the sand and finds a tooth.

[Jjs: Put it under your newspaper bed, and you'll get money.]

He meows and taps Spongebob. Spongebob says," Good work Gary, we found a clue!"

[Jjs: For all you know, that tooth could be from one of the workers and has nothing to do with the monster.]

Patrick says," Hey guys, your building thing collapsed over." Arger says," No Duh, smart one.

[Jjs: I see Arger is friendly too.]

Some creepy Sea Snake thing

[Jjs: Yet another new name for our bad guy of the week: "Some creepy Sea Snake thing".]

[Teenj: Such riveting names, truly.]

attacked our site for an unknown reason." Another worker named Axel arrives.

[Jjs: Whoa, an actual normal name for a change?]

He says," Ugh..I'm still in pain from the building's demise which crushed us.."

[Jjs: Stop saying "demise", dammit. That's just making me think the building had some horrific death. I'm also still wondering how these workers survived it crushing them, but considering they were able to hold it up, I guess anything is fucking possible with these guys.]

[Teenj: In reality, I doubt these guys would even be conscious enough to be able to explain anything that happened.]

Squidward says," Alright, here is the deal. Current Suspects: 0. How far we are on a Scale from 1-10: 1."

[Jjs: Thanks for the snarkiness Squidward, but I don't think now is the time. Seriously though, what did this even add?]

Sandy says," Well, we still have this tooth. Hey..this doesn't look like a snake tooth..it looks like a fish tooth.."

[Jjs: I told you, it's probably from one of the workers.]

Patrick says," So the snake is actually a Snake Fish?"

[Jjs: Another new name for our bad guy of the week: "Snake Fish"]

[Teenj: What that means is the Sea Snake The Green Sea Snake Snake Fish is just another lowlife with an elaborate costume.]

Squidward says," No idiot, it means The Sea Snake monster is a fake,

[Jjs: Yet another new name for our bad guy of the week: "The Sea Snake monster" Can this guy stick to one name already!?]

like most of our monsters in Bikini Bottom."

[Jjs: ...Most? Did we miss some case where they encountered a real monster? WTF? I'll just blame this line on sloppy writing and ignore it.]

[Teenj: Everything's more interesting in off screen-ville.]

Mr. Krabs drives by

[Pat Monahan: THIS IS NOT A DRIVE BY]

and within seconds, he parks his boat and hops out and greets the workers.

[Jjs: And then I riffed and then I see this sentence really likes the word and and-]

He gets all the info and says," Sea Snake, eh? I sure hope he loves Krabby Patties!

[Jjs: I sure hope so too, or else we're setting up for a plot point that will go nowhere. However, at least this is a better reason for Krabs to want to exploit the monster, instead of his other forced appearances so far.]

Spongebob, make some Krabby Patties for that Monster!" He grabs Spongebob and pulls him into his boat. They drive off toward the Krusty Krab. Squidward says," Well..that was unexpected..

[Jjs: That's what I'd like to call a lazy way to write off a character to get the plot going.]

Now what do we do?"

[Magic Conch: Nothing.]

Just then, a rumbling sound occurs and a blast of sand appears from nowhere. We see Two red glowing eyes and the Sea Snake Monster appears!

[Teenj: D'oh!]

[Jjs: SBC writing tip: Whenever you have a monster, write "two red glowing eyes" to show they are scary.]

 The Sea Snake Monster

[Jjs: Thank you for finally deciding on a name, jackass.]

hisses and stretches its arm and grabs Axel. He grabs Den with his other arm and bites them with his arms, since there are snake faces on them.

[Jjs: Yes, we already knew. Thanks for reminding us on unnecessary details...again.]

[Teenj: Yeah, thanks for the clarity, but we get it.]

He pulls them under the sand!

[Jjs: Damn, first multiple names, and pulling victims under the sand. The Sea Snake Monster must be a friend of the Lobster Man.]

They both scream and beg for mercy, but it's too late. The Sea Snake makes an unexpected Second trip and bites Arger and pulls him under.

[Jjs: Down Under.]

Sandy, Gary, Patrick and Squidward pull Arger,

[Jjs: HEAVE, HO!]

[Teenj: Come on, you guys got this!]

but it is no use.

[Teenj: ... apparently not.]

[Jjs: 

]

The Sea Snake is too strong and drags him down. The Sand pit encloses up. The Boss of the Company, Mark Yuner, appears and seems in a panic.

[Jjs: Yeah, I'd be in a panic too if my workers got attacked and the project was ruined. Where was this jackass earlier?]

[Teenj: He's thinking about all the lawsuits that will surely follow.]

He yells," That Sea Snake is at it again?! Why is it doing this?!"

[Jjs: Wait, "again"? So this asshat knew about the monster and didn't order the workers to evacuate? Asshole. Unless... he's the Sea Snake Monster! :o

Squidward says," Sir..we need to explore the underground tunnels." Mark Yunger

[Jjs: I thought it was "Yuner". Proofreading.]

[Teenj: Yeah, I've already gotten used to the inconsistent names.]

says," N-N-No, what if the monster grabs me?!"

[Jjs: Yup, he's got to be the monster, he's just gotta be!]

Sandy says," We will protect you!"

[Jjs: RIP Mark.]

[Teenj: Oh yeah, you guys are real good at protecting people. Just ask Arger.]

Spongebob and Mr. Krabs come back and Spongebob runs up the gang. Mr. Krabs sets a plate of Krabby Patties on a table and he hopes the Steam from them will attract the Snake.

[Jjs: Well, at least Mr. Krabs legit wants to help them capture the monster instead of solely just exploiting it (somehow). Wow, Krabs has an actual purpose in this chapter for a change. I'll be damned.]

[Teenj: Not a bad plan, surprisingly.]

Mark Yunger shows the Gang to the underground tunnel. They proceed with caution. Mark Yunger says," Our crew was drilling in this spot weeks ago." Sandy says," Hey! These look like the old Bikini Bottom Tunnels-" Mark Yunger says," No, they are not. These are completely different tunnels."

[Jjs: Stupid squirrels can't even tell tunnels apart.]

Sandy says," Oh, well they are still interesting. Look at these crystals in the cavern walls.."

[Jjs: Maybe these "interesting tunnels" run under the "interesting village" from 8.]

They hear a hissing sound. Mark Yunger starts to feel scared.

[Jjs: Haha, what a story Mark.]

[Teenj: Ophiophobia, amirite?]

They approach an entrance to another room. They see Axel, Den and Arger hanging from the crystal ceiling. The Sea Snake is in there, laughing at them.

[Jjs: It's a good thing he's laughing, because nobody else is.]

They all jump out and attack it. It whacks them with its tail. They were no use.

[Jjs: Do I need to post the "it's no use" video again? Are you guys already giving up?]

It laughs and hisses. It then stretches out its one arm and bites off Den's rope! Den falls down and laughs. He says," Foolish Children..I CREATED the Sea Snake!

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Jjs: Wait, what the fuck? So it's not Mark, even though his shady absence was a good motive? I'll be, what a curveball.]

[Teenj: Den? Talk about anticlimactic.]

It is also part robot, which I had programmed it to be.

[Jjs: I swear, it feels like I'm watching a bad 4Kids dub with this clunky dialogue.]

Don't believe me? I'll show you!" He pulls out a remote control switch and presses buttons. The Sea Snake hisses and attacks Mark. Patrick then tackles the Sea Snake, but gets slammed into the wall.

[Jjs: You get a doughnut for trying.]

Arger yells down," Den, why?!" Den says," Why? I was tired of being treated like nothing!

[Jjs: Yeah, we could totally tell you were "treated like nothing" earlier in your two lines of dialogue where you decided to be a dick to Arger. See, that's another problem with this show, a lot of the culprit motivations just feel half-assed and not built up well enough.]

[Teenj: Yeah, nothing about Den or his situation was well developed, leading to a really weak and empty motivation for his actions.]

None of my ideas were accepted, even though they weren't that great.

[Jjs: So why does this upset you if you admit your ideas suck?]

[Teenj: So... the obvious solution was building a snake monster to attack everyone? Makes sense.]

My projects never had attention! Well, maybe this one will!" He orders the Sea Snake to bite Arger and Axel's ropes and it does. They go falling down, but are Saved by a Moving Drilling Boat.

[Jjs: Ignoring this ass pull, why would it even matter if they had fallen? From what I'm getting, it doesn't seem like this ceiling is high up considering Den survived just fine.]

[Teenj: Story consistency is only as good as the plot.]

Spongebob is driving it!

[Jjs: Even though no license and all.]

He puts on a Construction Helmet and drills into the Sea Snake's stomach.

[Jjs: SPONGEBOB'S DRILL SHALL PIERCE THE SEA SNAKE'S STOMACH!]

It tears open and reveals robotic cords. Den's Remote Control starts to spark and he throws it away. He trys

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: tries]

[Teenj: Okay, but imagine it wasn't a robot. That would be gross...]

to escape, but is stopped in his Tracks by Axel, Arger and Mark. Spongebob pulls the Drilling Boat away. A bunch of rocks crush the remains of the Robot Sea Snake.

[Jjs: So you mean the whole setting up Krabby Patty plot amounted to nothing? Wow, just wow. So much for giving Mr. Krabs a point in the story. *sigh* Seriously, why the fuck did I even include the Krabby Patty trap idea if I wasn't going to use it!? And to conclude our villain, we give them ANOTHER GODDAMN NAME.]

[Teenj: After a while, I just stopped keeping up with the name changes.]

Sandy says," How on earth were you able to drive that thing?"

[Jjs: My sentiments exactly.]

[Teenj: At least someone realizes how ridiculous that was.]

Spongebob chuckles.

[Jjs: Haha, crushing a robot snake monster is just damn comedy gold...and that didn't answer her question. But hey, why bother saying where SpongeBob got the boat from when I can hand wave it with a chuckle.]

Den is arrested and Mr. Krabs seems annoyed yet again. He says," These Krabby Patties went to waste...!"

[Jjs: I'm annoyed too. I thought the Krabby Patties would've been used to trap the sea snake, but...they weren't. This makes the whole Krabs/SpongeBob plot just extra padding now, and becomes another thing that amounted to nothing, something you'll get used to in this spin-off.]

Spongebob says," Not entirely! Let's eat!" The Construction workers grab the Krabby Patties and eat them.

[Jjs: Well I guess after nearly being crushed to death by a building and kidnapped by a robot snake monster, they deserve to eat.]

[Teenj: True, I'd be pretty starved too.]

Mark says," Thank you Spongebob and friends, for saving us. Now to start rebuilding.." Meanwhile in the Underground tunnel, we see Two Mysterious Cloaked Figures appear. One has a black cloak, whom is actually A Phantom Trinity Member from Episode 6.

[Jjs: AS SEEN IN EPISODE 6!]

Another one appears, with a Brown Cloak. It is a girl. She laughs and says," Sablado, you really thought these were a part of the old Bikini Bottom Caverns? Fool, these tunnels are too far away."

[Jjs: Apparently Sandy and Sablado both can't tell tunnels apart.]

[Teenj: 'Sablado' - what a strange name.]

Sablado says," Loki, you shouldn't be talking.

[Jjs: So the second Phantom Trinity member is a Norse god? Or the Marvel villain (who is a girl now), if you want to go there.]

After all, you thought a lead would be here.." Loki says," Whatever, Mr. N is waiting for us." The Two walk away.

[Jjs: So what purpose did this scene have? It was literally just there for me to introduce the second Phantom Trinity member which could've been done in another chapter, and nothing more. Just a tacked on ending to an already messy chapter. The Phantom Trinity are just another thing that won't impact much anyways, so I don't really care. But you know what, despite all my negativity, I'll surprisingly give this chapter some credit where it's due. At least this chapter did try telling an original story instead of copy and pasting an SDMI episode, which is kind of appreciated after how badly I've been botching those. There was some attempt at a more coherent story...key word being some. If I had put in a bit more effort, I dare say this could've been...okay? Unfortunately, the rest fell apart. There was so much wasted potential with the Krabs/SpongeBob trap, which went nowhere in the end, and Mark would've made a better culprit since Den's motivations felt forced. It's a damn shame. Whenever this spin-off seems like it may have something cool or interesting about to happen, it gets thrown out the window by lazy writing. Even when I try being original, it still feels half-assed, which you'll see continue in the second half. Wasted potential is what this spin-off is right now really.]

[Teenj: I agree that there was definitely a decent story buried somewhere in this episode. However, the inconsistencies, underwritten villain, and waste of certain plot points completely hindered it. I have a feeling those problems will continue with future chapters.]

 

Edited by jjsthekid
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I didn't know that Robot Rumble was an original story until you announced it here, so extra credit to you, Jjs. :P

And lmao at how Sandy didn't press further on how Spongebob magically learned how to drive a drilling vehicle. Ironically, Sandy's voice actor also played this girl who magically learned how to drive a bulldozer.

AshleyBulldozer.jpg.8af51055fff0de6e8b52d1e2db391f48.jpg

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Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

12. The Screaming Horror

Spoiler

12. The Screaming Horror

[Steel: I don't know if it'll be any fun to riff this. It's even got a redundant title to boot. Anyways, let's get this over with...]

[MMM: This'll probably end up being a fitting title for this episode, either way.]

It was one rainy night.

[MMM: images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTqKVqDlupKyjDV2ulUDzn ]

We zoom in too the Bikini Bottom High School.

[Clappy: What an awkward transition.]

[Steel: It was a very rainy right- now onto something else that's important.]

[MMM: What do you mean "we"?]

Pearl is chatting with her friends.

[Clappy: At night. :smirk:]

A male fish named Brady says," So, that Ether V. Heartcraft is coming to our school to share his books? Bah! His books are lies. "Ar Zon Wrathicon? Really? Just random tall tales.."

[Steel: The author is a reference to H.P. Lovecraft, so it's not any other doubt.]

[Clappy: Well the reference is clearly flying over my head, so I have multiple doubts as to whether we are all supposed to get it immediately.]

[MMM: Wait, why are they still at school at night?

hW14do5.jpg?1 ]

He walks outside and is ready to drive home in his boat. He unlocks the boat and he hears something. A strange fish with a jellyfish like face appears.

[Clappy: A fish with a jellyfish like face? Jeffrey, is that you?]

[Steel: I'd like to order some murder - hold the mayo.]

It growls and has blue eyes. Its tentacles start to spark. Has a dark green cloak. The creature growls again.

[Steel: It's Cthulhu, fingers crossed.]

[Clappy: Or is it No Name? One Time SpongeBob characters aside, this character description sounds completely implausible. Fish shouldn't have jellyfish like faces, especially if it's a jellyfish it shouldn't even have eyes, tentacles that spark, and a dark green cloak. Can anyone picture this image at all?  Because if there was any sort of artistic image of this, it would look like this:

a4pWJ4A.jpg?1 ]

Brady yells," Uh..Uh Half mercy on me!"

[Steel: Half mercy on me.

I don't even need to say anything else here.]

[MMM: Ah, I think quarter mercy will do.]

It roars and giant sound waves burst out of its mouth and cause Brady to go flying in the air. He lands down on his boat.

[Clappy: At least the diabolical creature is polite enough to send Brady flying to his car.]

He panics, smashes open the window, and puts the key in. He drives away in a rush. The creature growls and shoots its tentacles at the screen.

[Clappy: Thus killing us all. GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!]

[Steel: *Cue American Horror Story opening credits.*]

The next morning, Spongebob is at his house. He yawns.

[Steel: Once again, riveting.]

[Clappy: He is tired of this repetitive introduction each episode too.]

[MMM: Yeah, you know how they say yawning is contagious...]

He then turns on the TV and sees a news report about something at the Bikini Bottom Museum. They say an ancient artifact was stolen at midnight. The cops were stunned and couldn't move. They didn't see who did it. The only thing they remember is there was 3 of them, and one of the bandits had a Black cloak.

[Clappy: WAIT ONE MINUTE, DON'T TELL ME. We are going to get a rushed set of actions that normally take five minutes to tell in a television series in less than thirty seconds?]

Spongebob says," Hmm.." He then gets a call. He lifts up his conch phone and says," Hello?" Pearl is on it and says," Spongebob, get to the High School ASAP!" Spongebob then calls everybody else.

[Steel: Oh, conveniently quick pacing, you never let us down.]

They gather outside. Squidward moans and says," Gah..the High School? I hated High School."

[Steel: I hate Mondays.]

All 5 hop in the Mystery Boat and drive off.

[Clappy: Yep, we sure did. That's my problem with this series more than anything else. I can deal with mediocre plots and bad jokes, but if the storytelling feels rushed, it's just going to make the story suffer that much more.]

Minutes later, they arrive outside the front of the High School. They park, get out and walk in.

[Steel: Ugh, again with the pacing...]

They see Posters everywhere about 3 Authors coming to the school and sharing stuff.

[Steel: Apparently, the school isn't educated enough to not capitalize posters and authors.]

[MMM: I like to imagine "sharing stuff" is written somewhere on the posters.]

[Clappy: Maybe they will share the stuff Jjs didn't take time to elaborate?]

Sandy says," Ether V. Heartcraft? I am a big fan of his work!" Another author that is coming is Mike D. Vont.

[Steel: Holy balls, Ether Heartcraft is coming to this school! Oh, and Mike D. Vont too, whoever the heck he is.]

[Clappy: *spit take* Ether is a guy?]

[MMM: Wow, and unnamed third author too? I love that guy.]

But they soon learn they already arrived in the Library. We see Mike D. Vont at a desk and signing books. He yawns and walks outside for a bit. He says," That darn Ether and his false stories..all fake..!"

[Vont: He's a war criminal. He's got a butthole for a mouth. I don't like him.]

[D. Vont: Fake news. My stories are ten times bigger than average.]

But as soon as he says that, the mysterious creature attacks him!

[Clappy: TIMING!]

[Wrathicon: Heard you were talking smack about Heartcraft's work.]

Mike says," Ar Zon Wrathicon..from Ether's book?! Imp-"

[Steel: No, this is an imp:

image.jpeg.9d294c0929af2c04d6793a6eefae18e6.jpeg]

[MMM: Maybe Wrathicon is secretly an imp.]

Ar Zon screeches and the sound waves blast him into the air.

[MMM: Woah, how did he blast himself into the air?]

[Clappy: So now this creature's screeches are like sonic booms? Jesus, anything else you left out about this thing? Does it have six legs? Eight arms? Ten eyeballs?]

He goes flying onto the boat.

[Steel: Can I say deja vu?]

Its tentacles shock him. He lays dizzy on the boat, and in a panic.

[Clappy: And not dead yet again. I would be thankful to just be alive instead of in a constant panic.]

Spongebob and gang come outside and see him. Patrick says," Are you okay Mr.?" Mike says," Okay?! I was just attacked by a false creation of Ether's!"

[Steel: False? By that logic, that creature would not have retroactively existed.]

Sandy says," We'll find out who is Ar Zon Wrathicon!" They search around the school. They find Ether in the Library, preparing up his things.

[Clappy: Quick pacing. Why struggle to search around the school and develop some cast chemistry when you can just get straight to the point?]

He says," Ah, welcome to the dark world of demons, Children!

[Steel: I'm kinda feeling uncomfortable about this guy.]

Wait, I am getting a message from-" Squidward says," Enough of the Mumbo Jumbo!

[Clappy: Wait, I'm confused. Did Squidward say that about the message or Ether? What the hell?]

A monster from one of your books has came alive! He says," Ar Zon Wrathicon? That Demon has no right to be in our sea world of ocean."

[Steel: "That Demon has no right to be in our sea world of ocean."

Tell me again why you're a professional author.]

[MMM: It is entirely unclear to me who is saying what here.]

Spongebob says," Okay then, we'll be off now.." Just then, a crowd of fish come into the Library. Spongebob and Gang go back in with the others.

[Clappy: Why go back into the library if you left in the first place?]

Ether grabs a microphone. He says," Okay, I am done with this act. I have a confession to make."

[Clappy: That was easy. So much for playing hard to get.]

A fish named Jerry says," I am your #1 fan Mr. Ether!"

[Steel: Oh hey, I didn't know Jerry Smith was in this spin-off, let alone a fan of a character based on H.P. Lovecraft.]

He says," Wonderful. But, as Mr. Mike was saying..my creations are FAKE. I just made up random stories with random creatures to make money.

[Clappy: Basically, the motivation for most content creators.]

I know they weren't the best and you all know it. Thank you for your time."

[Steel: Well, he killed his own career just like that. I don't know how to respond to that.]

Jerry says," No, impossible! Who is forcing you to lie like this?!"

[Steel: Clearly, he's lying for no one. Now get back to your own world, JERRY! *burp*]

Everyone starts to walk away. But just then, we hear a screeching sound.

[Steel: It was so loud that it broke the fourth wall.]

[Clappy: That is the sound of the metaphorical glass shattering motive to commit career suicide.]

Ar Zon Wrathicon bursts open the wall toward the Library and attacks! Everyone starts to panic. It growls and grabs Ether. He begs for help.

[Steel: It licked its lips. It is preparing to consume Ether's flesh and snap up his bones. It growled again.]

Ar Zon runs off into the hallways, screeching past students and makes a bunch of Lockers shut.

[Clappy: I would like to be able to shut lockers with the sound of my voice. Lucky.]

It laughs and jumps up and makes a hole through the roof. Spongebob and gang see the hole.

[Clappy: That's also a double entendre.]

They climb up each other and climb up.

[Steel: I'm not repeating myself again. Just take me away from this pointless exposition.]

[MMM: So you're saying they climb up.]

Squidward jams his Clarinet through the roof.

[Clappy: This school should have a stronger supporting roof.]

They arrive at the top and see Ar Zon about to throw Mr. Ether off the roof of the school. Ether yells," Ar Zon Wrathicon! Back away you demon!"

[Heartcraft: When I'm done with you, I'm sending you back to your page without supper!]

They attack him.

[Clappy: What is this "they" you are talking about?

latest?cb=20120425231557 ]

He growls and makes a screech sound again.

[Steel: ...

Sorry, I was just making sure if Wrathicon was still growling, making a screeching sound, and attacking.]

[MMM: Sound waves blast Ether into the air and he lands on the boat.]

Mr. Ether is about to fall off and is hanging. Patrick saves him and he smacks Ar Zon in the face.

[Steel: Did you just punch out Ar Zon Wrathicon?]

[MMM: That was easy.]

It growls and goes flying off the building. But, Ether grabs his leg. He pulls him up and throws him on the roof.

[Clappy: But it can fly. Can't it just fly away again?]

He unmasks his Jellyfish face and it is actually Jeremy!

[Steel: I can't believe it, I can't believe that a character that didn't appear until the end of the episode would do it! Wait, hold on, it was Jerry was it? If so, you could've told me that he changed his name at the last minute.]

[Clappy: Oh yeah, all of this grammatical confusion and nonsensical jargon completely made me forget that there was a mystery...GASP, JEREMY DID IT. I KNEW IT ALL ALONG...]

Jeremy says," Yes, it was me. I was attacking people who mocked Ether's books. But, Ether had to fall when he revealed his books were lies.

[Clappy: What horrible motivation. So what's being implied is that Jeremy did it because he realized that a fictional book was fiction this whole time. Congratulations Jeremy for failing the idiot test.]

Though, I'm not sure if it was a good idea to use a real jellyfish as my face and paint blue eyes on it.."

[Steel: And then Jeremy/Jerry died of an infection.]

Spongebob says," Ew."

[Clappy: Elementary, my dear SpongeRobert.]

Jeremy gets arrested.

[Clappy: And dies due to led poisoning two weeks later.]

Mike reunited with Ether and says," Maybe your books aren't so bad after all since you finally admitted it."

[Steel: What, you think people were comparing the guy's books to historical autobiographies or what?]

[Clappy: And maybe these people don't have any clue that fiction doesn't necessarily equal quality reading material.]

[MMM: How the heck does that change the books' quality so much?]

Ether says," Don't push it." as he packs his bags. The gang heads back to the Mystery Boat and opens the back. They find a treasure chest in it.

[Steel: "Plastic!"]

There is a sticky note from Mr. N on it.

[Clappy: And two gold doubloons.]

He says," Maybe if the original Mystery Incorporated never had this item, they would never have suffered the sad fate.."

[Clappy: The sad fate of reliving a mediocre spin-off?]

They open it and find a golden locket chain with a purple gem on it.

[Steel: I guess this was a breather episode as usual, but only with more tidbits about Mr. N. I'm just glad that I'm done riffing through this.]

[Clappy: This chapter was the epitome of filler. I doubt that ending will go anywhere of importance knowing how many things this spin-off apparently abandons. Not even the mystery was that intriguing to riff about this time around. Hopefully the next one will be more interesting because I can't sit through more chapters like this.]

[MMM: dun dun duuuuuun

Yeah, that sucked. Goodnight everybody.]

 

Edited by jjsthekid
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Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

13. Darn Scallops!

Spoiler

13. Darn Scallops!:

[Hayden: tenor.gif&key=908dfb9639d51cc3bbb2412d06 ]

[Rusty: No comment here.]

Plot : One dark night, a fish was driving his boat along the lane.

[Teenj: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's skip the cliche beginning and get to the good stuff.]

[Hayden: Don't forget your air quotes, kids. *sticks onto last two words of Teenj's sentence*]

[Rusty: Good to know he is a safe driver.]

He was driving home from working at A Chocolate Factory. He then got a call from someone.

[Teenj: At "a" chocolate factory? Or at a chocolate factory called 'A Chocolate Factory'???]

[MMM: Could be both. Probably not.]

[Rusty: There's gotta be a Willy Wonka Joke here...]

He answered the phone. He said," Hello?"

[Rusty: AND GOODBYE]

[Teenj: tenor.gif&key=62b9ed58f1e2f2313ff603a4ad ]

The Voice says," I WARNED YOU.. QUIT YOUR JOB AT CHOCO INC..."

[Teenj: Lol, 'Choco Inc'.]

[Hayden: It's My Body and I'll Work at Choco If I Want To!]

[MMM: He must work two different jobs. Also, am I missing something or did The Voice never warn him before?]

"Who are you?" said The fish.

[Teenj: How sad that The fish doesn't get a name.]

[Rusty: Collect call.]

[Hayden: First name The. Last name fish.]

[MMM: Who are you, Mr. The fish?]

The voice hung up. He said," I am getting Tired of these prank calls.."

[Teenj: Since this has kinda been bugging me... what's with the capitalization of random words mid-sentence?]

[Rusty: I just have No idea.]

[Hayden: Maybe Jjs applied 4Ever's rule of emphasis capitalization, just to a lesser degree.]

Just then, he heard a bunch of snapping sounds. He then saw a swarm of Scallops coming toward his boat! He started speeding in panic.

[MMM: Hey, that's not safe, buddy.]

[Rusty: SCALLOPS

CHOCOLATE EATING SCALLOPS]

The Pink Scallops started to bite through his boat.

[Teenj: I'd love to see the visual on that.]

[Hayden: Did the boat have a roof or was it topless like most boats? Guess it doesn't matter if neither boat version stopped his untimely death.]

He couldn't control it and he almost went flying off the boundary, but stopped just in time before falling.

[Teenj: The definition of lucky.]

[MMM: Especially when there are huge chunks bitten off the boat.]

[Hayden: I guess they didn't eat brake-fast. *rimshot*]

He was knocked out. The Swarm of Scallops formed a giant Scallop and flew away.

[Rusty: Because they do that.]

[Hayden: What? On a no-fish diet or just full from being pigs and eating boat scrap metal?]

The next morning, Spongebob and gang were sitting at a table in The Krusty Krab. Patrick began eating a Chocolate Bar made by Choco Inc.

[Teenj: I guess Patrick's chocolate obsession from SpongeBoy carries on here too, haha.]

[Rusty: *insert another Willy Wonka joke*]

[Hayden: How can the gang just sit and relax if two of its members are the restaurant's only hired help? Krabs going soft and gave them a break?]

A Peace Loving Fish named Henry said," Patrick, stop eating that garbage! It was made by Choco Inc, a factory that pollutes the sea!"

[Teenj: Hello random character that we've never seen before!]

[Rusty: I was in it for the music, man!]

[MMM: Yeah, A Chocolate Factory would never do that.]

[Hayden: Could Peace Loving Fish be our first character with a motivation? We'd never expect him with all that scallop violence. He's not Violence Loving Fish.]

He then petted his 2 Scallops on his shoulders.

[Teenj: tenor.gif&key=c500668f7f4fd0f5cc609b27db ]

[Rusty: WOW, I mean, WOW. It could not be more obvious.]

[Hayden: Pirate Cliche Loving Fish.]

[MMM: How's that for a coinkydink.]

Sandy says," Hey guys, speaking of Choco Inc. was hurt last night in an odd Boat Accident.."

[MMM: I thought it was The fish that was hurt.]

[Hayden: If he was driving home from the Choco Factory, how did he slam into it?! >_>]

as she read the newspaper. "Good Riddance." said Henry and he walked away.

[Teenj: Henry's setup as a suspect couldn't be anymore obvious.]

[Rusty: Yep. Indefinably the villain.]

[Hayden: Wow, okay dick, it's a boating crash, some random pedestrian got hurt more than the evil pollution company. In fact, the stray boat parts probably increased pollution.]

The gang went up to visit the Bikini Bottom Hospital and asked about a Choco Inc. Employee being hurt. The Nurse told them he cannot be visited, for they are treating some serious bites he got.

[Hayden: But does he have missing chunks?]

[Rusty: This is written at a third grade level.]

"How Could he get bites in a Boat Crash?" asked Squidward. Spongebob says," I don't know but that is what we are going to find out.."

[Teenj: Ya know, the entire point of being detectives.]

[Rusty: Duh.]

[MMM: Put that in the commercial.]

Gary had a paper in his mouth and Patrick took it out.

He said," It's a note from Mr. N." They read it and it warmed them many more attacks would come. Sandy says," Attacks?"

[Teenj: Yes, my dear. Defined as "an aggressive and violent action against a person or place."]

[MMM: No, he clearly said "bicycle".]

[Hayden: Well it may have warmed them, but I haven't warmed to the fact that Mr. N somehow has god knowledge on every mundane mystery they find, yet chooses to only point out common sense. If he really wanted to help, he could tell them how to deal with scallops. Speaking of which, where are you Sammy?!]

Later on in the night, another Employee that works at Choco Inc. named Fred (Not the My Leg! Fred)

[Teenj: Aww, why couldn't it have been?]

[Rusty: Booo.]

[MMM: Yeah, that makes me feel worse than any scallop attack.]

[Hayden: Just come up with a different rando common name, what's the point of having to tell viewers it's not that SB character? Lol.]

is at his home. He sits on the couch and turns on the TV. Just then, he hears snapping noises.

[Teenj: giphy.gif&key=ad5e7eb58baa0cf2ad4e16f062 ]

[Rusty: THEY'RE COMING]

A Swarm of Scallops bust open through his windows and bite him the death.

[Teenj: "bite him the death"..... k.]

[Rusty: They will bite him a very death!]

[MMM: Makes it sound poisonous or something.]

[Hayden: Well as long as Jjs uses poisonous grammar to make deaths vague, this can still be a family-friendly show.]

We then see another Employee walking home on the streets named Ben. He walks over a manhole and a Swarm of Scallops come up from that and attack him.

[Teenj: Lol, even in real life I don't trust manholes.]

[MMM: That's a Darwin Award right there.]

[Hayden: Are these the minimum wage workers getting attacked instead of the Choco Inc CEO? Either Henry is even more of an aimless dick, or this is a sign Jjs is going to give us a last act nonsensical twist even though a twist is supposed to be derived from info the audience already had but thunk different expectations about. ]

Spongebob and Friends get phoned 2 More Choco Inc. Employees have been harmed. Sandy says," Oh No!"

[Teenj: oh_yeah_obama.gif&key=a8e4a5e5e70ab8c330 ]

[Hayden: tumblr_nf5mctQyhd1toe3mso1_500.gif ]

[Rusty: 

]

But they still won't let them see them. But the Nurse did tell them that they were attacked by Scallops.

[MMM: But-]

[Hayden: It's the Nurse! She wants the patients to die without ever having visitors.]

Just then, the gang sees another note stickied to a lamp post. The note says," The Carnival is the next victim. -Mr.N"

[Teenj: Where would these guys be without Mr. N? Lol.]

[Hayden: This is about as challenging as connect the dots.]

The gang immediately hopped in the Mystery Boat and drove off. They arrived at the Carnival and Saw Henry.

[Teenj: Of course.]

[Rusty: Saw Henry? Weird character.]

Sandy says," Scallops? I have a hunch our peace lover Henry knows something.." But when they ask him, Henry denies any involvement with The Scallop Creature.

[Teenj: Even if he is guilty, what would he do? Admit it?]

[Rusty: Unless he's the Hippie.]

We also see Grandma Sweetkins.

[Hayden: 2nbABUo.gif ]

[Teenj: Sweetkins - cause she's a sweet old lady, amirite? I hate when character naming is so obvious like that.]

[MMM: Yeah, like, she wasn't always old.]

[Rusty: Isn't that a candy?]

Spongebob and Patrick rush up to her and hug her.

[Rusty: Even though they don't know her.]

[Teenj: They're trying to feel some squishy grandma tits, obvi...]

[Hayden: us8bzwT.gif ]

She says," Now, now Children." Squidward says," The one and only Grandma Sweetkins who was on Chocolate Bar commercials?!" She says," Yes, but I no longer do.." She sighed.

[Teenj: Royalty checks. Just sayin'.]

[Rusty: They made me fat.]

[Hayden: She's a grandma that played a grandma on TV?]

Patrick is about to go on The Roller Coaster, when suddenly the Scallop Creature attacks! It growls and a swarm of Scallops attack the Carnival. Spongebob and gang duck for cover.

[Rusty: Oh shit...too bad I'm so bored.]

[Teenj: Man, I bet Patrick's really bummed out.]

[Hayden: Who cares about a roller coaster when you can ride a scallop wave of the death?]

Everyone is in panic. The Scallop Creature growls and says," I..WARNED..YOU..!" The Scallops attack everybody and Henry gets attacked by a swarm of them.

[Teenj: Officially ruling him out as a suspect.]

[Rusty: Didn't call it.]

[Hayden: Everyone else doesn't get a shout-out too? :(

Spongebob then gets an idea.

[Rusty: NEWS FLASH: SpongeBob just had an idea.]

[Teenj: Let's hope this idea actually helps resolve the plot.]

He manages to make it to the Mystery Boat and grabs his Reef Blower out of it. He starts to climb up the metal bars on the Roller Coaster.

[Teenj: image.jpeg ]

[MMM: Hopefully all the roller coaster cars have stopped.]

Sandy yells," Be careful!" Spongebob then sucks a swarm up with his Blower.

[Teenj: Great idea, actually.]

[Hayden: With his sucker.]

[Rusty: Just don't suck up the ocean.]

He hops down and notices the Creature is attacking the gang! Spongebob gets behind it and sucks up all of the Scallops. When all of them are gone, a figure is seen.

[Teenj: dun, dun, dun....]

They unmask the figure and it is Grandma Sweetkins!

[Teenj: Oh okay. Not so sweet after all.]

[Rusty: So it wasn't the hippie? I feel like I got ripped off.]

[MMM: 

]

[Hayden: But 5 seconds before this happened they were hugging her and gushing over commercials, how did she sneak away in plain sight?]

She says," Yes, it was me. But I hated how the new boss of Choco Inc. was running the Factory! This was because he included a recipe known as Sea Waste! I had to get revenge when they refused to let me back.

[Teenj: Live footage of Grandma Sweetkins concocting her plan: 

looks like.gif ]

[Rusty: they made me fat so I was gonna kill them.

great plan]

[Hayden: zfU5n3X.gif

1. Why is she mad at the chocolate factory after being their star promoter? This detail from not long ago at all isn't even really tied into her motive revelation. What got her fired and how would she know about the recipe if she's just filming stuff for them?

2. When was it stated they had a recipe of sea waste? It just hinted they caused pollution, not that they put pollution in their goddamn food.

3. WHY DIDN'T YOU ATTACK THE NEW BOSS YOU SENSELESS OLD WINDBAG?!]

So I happened to be watching a Documentary about controlling animals with radar device movements.

[MMM: How about that.]

[Rusty: Mind control.]

[Teenj: giphy.gif&key=8ff784289a4558cdbf804efa97 ]

[Hayden: tenor.gif ]

So, I ordered one and controlled Scallops with it. And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for you darn kids!"

[Teenj: Alright granny, the exit out of the story is that way ->]

[MMM: Dang young'uns always ruin everything, huh?]

[Rusty: And the hippie was never seen again.]

She was taken away.

[Hayden: Lame, would've been funnier to have Spongebob release the darn scallops to all attack her at once.]

[Teenj: ...ON TO THE NEXT SHITTY 'MONSTER' OF THE WEEK!!!!]

[Rusty: 

]
Patrick the had a Scallop stuck in on his head with bit him. Spongebob they released the other Scallops from the Reef Blower and they flew away.

[Teenj: Lol, this sentence butchered the English language.]

[MMM: Huh? Um...did jjs forget to write more-]

[Rusty: And, that's it. That's the end of the transcript jjs sent me. I would recite an entire doctor to quote, but I won't be bothered. Maybe it just ended THAT abruptly. What th-

I also want my money back.]

[Hayden: Epilogue: Some other xat grandparent that belongs in an asylum purchased a radar device to commit more scallop murders with. Plus the evil Choco Inc continued to sell bio-hazardous material to the public and lived happily ever after. That's our Earth Day special. Thanks for watching. Gotta go. By-]

14. The Sea Monster (Part 1)

Spoiler

14. The Sea Monster (Part 1): 

[Jjs: Well, we've reached the start of the second half, ladies and gentlemen. From this point on, I stopped copying and pasting SDMI episodes, which may sound good in theory, but unfortunately, I went into this second half with no plan, and results in a lack of coherence overall. What comes next might be even worse because they're just sloppy and poorly planned ideas with no direction. I winged this as it went along. While the first half of the spin-off I wouldn't call "good" by any means, at least there was some lulziness to be appreciated. All of the flaws of the first half are increased here times ten, without any of the redeeming lulziness factors. Brace yourselves, the spin-off gets even more confusing, lazy and disappointing from here, along with losing its mystery theme entirely (one problem this shares with SpongeBoy). But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's take this one step at a time...and boy, this two-parter sure does that...to a boring extent.]
[OMJ: So, Undersea Sloppy Ideas Incorporated?]

It is one dark night at the Goo Lagoon. 

[Jjs: Nothing better to set the mood of a scene than a dark night. Sadly though, this scene is not going to be scary at all.]
[OMJ: I'd be a tad more spooked if the night wasn't dark.]

A few fish are surfing in the waves. But then, the waves start to shake. "Um..what is going on?" A fish says.

[Jjs: The waves are shaking, dumbass.]
[OMJ: For a surfer, you'd think he'd shut up about it and just salivate at the chance of surfing even gnarlier waves.]

"I don't know," the fish next to him surfing, replies. 

[Jjs: Thanks for your contribution, mate. Yet a fitting reply considering how many questions the second half creates, and all of them can also be answered with "I don't know" by past me.]

Just then, a bunch of spikes appear out of the water. One yells," AAAAH! TERRIFYING CREATURE!" 

[Jjs: With the way that was worded, I thought one of the spikes was yelling that, not a fish.]
[OMJ: So the fish are the real monsters here.]

They both go flying off their surfboards. 

[Jjs: Now they get to experience high tide, alright!]

The mysterious creature appears from the sea. It is purple and slimy.

[Jjs: A goo bubble from It Came From Goo Lagoon? Another thing this predicted long in advance. I already find that more creepy than whatever the actual "mystery" will be.]

It has pink coral spikes on its back. It has some blue blended in it as well.

[Jjs: Glad to see I put so much detail into the coloring, but what purpose does it serve to the narrative? Oh right...padding.]
[past!jjs: Oh, and green! Can't forget green- oh wait, magenta! Can't forget magenta. And just a dash of periwinkle to truly make this monster the most terrifying this side of the spinoff forum!]
[OMJ: Yes, those are the colors of the animals on Blue's Clues.]

It roars loudly. It growls and makes a huge wave with one of its fins. The 2 Fish get washed on the shore and run away.

[Jjs: Good move, even though I'm surprised they survived that high tide if Scooter apparently couldn't.]
[OMJ: And this is why you never go night surfing without flashing LED lights.]

The creature growls and sinks back into the Ocean and disappears.

[Jjs: Wow, that was...really fucking lame. If I'm going to have a sea monster debut in a story, I could've made it more interesting than that. It just rises up from the ocean, splashes two fish away, and leaves. We've barely started and I already miss Lobster Man as our Goo Lagoon villain. At least he posed a damn threat.]
[OMJ: Is the Ocean a character now? Is the Ocean in on this?!]

Mr. Krabs is shown reading the news. It says," Possible Sea Monster Spotted at Goo Lagoon?"

[Jjs: Sounds like fake news. Might want to double check the publisher there, Krabs.]
[OMJ: The Krabby Kronicle]

Spongebob and gang come in. 

[Jjs: Look, Jane. Tarzan read spin-off.]
[OMJ: Singing]

Squidward says," What is that all about?" 

[Jjs: What is what all about? Did they somehow hear Mr. Krabs from outside?]
[OMJ: For a guy that loathes everybody in this scene, he sure willingly involves himself in their affairs a lot.]

Mr. Krabs says," Oh no, your not getting involved into this!" 

[Jjs: You'd think Nancy would be up their asses about getting "involved into" a mystery, not Krabs. You can tell by this point I had no clue what to do with Krabs in the story, considering his "shadiness" from 1 and 4 goes nowhere in the second half.]
[OMJ: He would've made for a pretty decent endgame villain, at least, if given something good to run with.]

Sandy says," Getting involved into what?" 

[Jjs: My sentiments exactly.]

Mr. Krabs says," Nothing." 

[Jjs: What the fuck was the point of this conversation? Oh right...padding. Especially very glaring considering what happens next.]
[OMJ: Hey, I thought this was textbook character building for both Krabs and Sandy right here.]

Spongebob then sees a letter on a table and picks it up. It is from Mr. N. 

[Jjs: What a shocker. How did he slip that in without Krabs noticing, though?]
[OMJ: Krabs is too cheap to pay attention.]

He opens it and it says," Hello Children.

[Jjs: Chef? He's used this greeting way too many times for it to be a coincidence.]
[OMJ: Oh god, is this talking letter gonna be the Scrappy Doo of the group?]

I can assure you the Sea Monster attack from last night was not fake. Good luck," 

[Jjs: ...Good luck with what? He didn't even tell them to investigate or where it is or nutin'. Truly his most cryptic note yet. If it makes the gang grow actual brains though, I'm all for it.]
[OMJ: So is this gonna be an ACTUAL monster instead of yet another poorly established sap of the week?]

Sandy says," Sea Monster? I guess at the Goo Lagoon?"

[Jjs: Sure, why not. Might as well re-use a previous setting instead of a new location.]
[OMJ: For all she knows, it could be anywhere since, ya know, they live in the sea!]

The gang hops in the Mystery Boat and drives away. Mr. Krabs yells," Hey! Aren't you going to stay for some treats?!"

[Jjs: ...What kind of treats? o.o The characterization of Krabs is concerning me...]
[OMJ: I hope those treats are low on karbs. I'll let myself out...]

The gang arrives at the Goo Lagoon. Squidward says," Why do I have to drive all the time?" 

[Jjs: Because your life is apparently that pathetic.]
[OMJ: Poor guy, must've suffered some sort of brain injury from the last time SpongeBob was behind the wheel.]

Sandy replies," Well, Patrick and Spongebob aren't good drivers and I have tried driving, but you won't let me. 

[Jjs: Then why the hell did Squidward ask that question? CONTRADICTION POLICE!]
[OMJ: In his defense, she is a SQUIRREL.]

And of course, Gary is a Snail," 

[Jjs: Tutor Sauce showed he can drive though, so it wouldn't hurt to try.]
[OMJ: But he is one of the few people who knows how to tie shoes, that alone makes him the most qualified person here.]

A Scientist named Sebastian is scanning the sand. 

[Jjs: SpongeSebastian?]
[OMJ: Yes, that is most definitely sand.]

He says," Ah Ha! 

[Jjs: Is this The Professor from Spyro?]
[OMJ: Who is coincidentally also voiced by Tom Kenny.]

I detected something!" 

[Jjs: Well if you are scanning the sand with what I assume is a metal detector, I imagine you would, but I doubt I thought this scene through. Just more padding.]
[OMJ: I detect more padding. :bruh: ]

Spongebob says," What are you doing?" 

[Jjs: Scanning sand. You?]

Sebastian explains," Well, hello there! I am a Scientist. I am investigating into the possible Sea Monster sighting," 

[Jjs: By...looking in the sand. Okay then.]
[OMJ: You're a few episodes late for the sand monster, guy.]

Spongebob says," So are we!" Sebastian says," Well, we'll see who finds out first!" Spongebob says," Alright gang, we're going surfing!"

[Jjs: Alright, now maybe I can put them out of their miseries and have them experience high tide!]
[OMJ: Yes, let's just make a contest out of a dangerous situation with lives that's been already put at risk.]

The gang buys some surfboards from The nearby Gift Shop on the Beach.

[Jjs: Which is a thing now.]

The employee there named Zell 

[Jjs: No relation to Zelleo from Storm Racers. But seriously, these names mang.]
[OMJ: The jjs name generator at its finest.]

says," Be warned dudes..there are some strange things in the sea," He has a green outfit with strange patterns on it. He has blue glasses. 

[Jjs: The "outfit with strange patterns on it" would make me think he's a suspect, but those blue glasses are cool, so I'll let him off the hook.]
[OMJ: And nothing's strange about the octopus with no pants?]

The gang is shown surfing. 

[Jjs: Glad we have such a good visual of it.]
[OMJ: There goes Sandy hanging ten...fingers that is!]

The gang stops surfing when they are in the middle of the ocean. Squidward says," Doesn't this seem a little ironic?" 

[Jjs: HAHA WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE]

Spongebob says," I also bought Scuba Gear. But only for 2 People," 

[Jjs: Cheap bastard.]
[OMJ: I see you, SpongeBob, trying to get that alone time with Sandy!]

Patrick says," I'll go with you!" 

[OMJ: Oooooh, cock block.]

The 2 put on their Scuba Gear and dive into the sea. Sandy yells," Good Luck!"

[Jjs: Do they even really need the scuba gear? I don't think I thought this through...again.]
[OMJ: Good plan, send the two guys who can't swim diving underwater. And how the hell did he carry all that gear while surfing anyway?]

The 2 are searching underwater. Their Scuba Gear is blue and green. 

[Jjs: Glad to see I put much more effort into describing colors than anything else in this chapter.]

Patrick says," Spongebob! I found something!" He shines his flashlight at a piece of coral. 

[Jjs: That coral must be the culprit!]

Spongebob says," Patrick, if were underwater..do you think there are people underwater here?" 

[Jjs: I think SpongeBob is on pot right now.]
[OMJ: This story has no right to be getting philosophical right now.]

Patrick replies," I have no clue what you just sai-" 

[Jjs: Don't worry, just the pot talking.]
[OMJ: I feel like the roles should be reversed here.]

But then, a tremor scares them. "What was that?!" yelled Squidward on his surfboard. Sandy says," We need to contact them!" Patrick and Spongebob start to swim up. 

[Jjs: Or they could just do that.]

Just then, something rushes by them. They manage to make it and hop on their surfboards. They report they just heard tremor noises. Professor Sebastian arrives in his boat.

[Jjs: Professor instead of scientist? Either he got a new job while they were surfing, or he really is The Professor from Spyro.]

He says," It's not safe here, get on!" 

[Jjs: I don't know, I don't trust this shady motherfucker. I suspect he had more reason to "scan that sand" than we were let on. I got the strange feeling he's hiding something...]
[OMJ: I've always said Seb was WhaleBlubber at every passing reference I got. Maybe now people will believe me.]

He drives his boat back to shore. 

[Jjs: okay. Instead of pointing out why he didn't offer this to them earlier, or how rushed this is, I'll just applaud The Professor Sebastian for coming in clutch here. This must be one damn legendary boat if it can apparently withstand tremors AND the potential threat of a sea monster lurking around all at once. All future sailors should take notes from Sebastian's ship.

"There there little skipper, we'll get you another ship."

"But I want THAT ship! I want THAT ship!"]

He says," I have set up this machine that will track the signal of our possible Sea Monster!" 

[Jjs: Why didn't you do this earlier instead of "scanning the sand"? Still shady.]
[OMJ: What kind of signal is this monster putting out? Did you somehow get a tracker on him, is this sonar? Paint a picture here!]

Sandy says," Okay, we don't care who wins this contest anymore! Our lives are at stake!" 

[Jjs: When the hell was this implied at all? Nothing about the monster implies it wants to kill them so far, which just makes it even lamer in hindsight.]
[OMJ: AH HA! What did I say!]

Sebastian says," I know. 

[Jjs: Whatever you say, chief.]
[OMJ: Somehow I doubt that.]

But this is serious. We can't alert the public or they will go insane," 

[Jjs: Bikini Bottom has seen plenty of weird ass looking things before, so I wouldn't worry. I doubt this monster is any scarier than Wormy.]
[OMJ: Or everything else that happened in every episode before this.]

Just then, Sablado appears 

[Jjs: Who...oh right, one of the Phantom Trinity members. Shoehorning him in because why not.]
[OMJ: Now I know I've given the jjs name generator some flack, but no name has deserved more flack than this one.]

and kicks Sebastian's Machine. 

[Jjs: Kicking? I want to do some kicking!]

Sablado says," Hello kids!" 

[Jjs: Again, not kids...oh whatever.]
[Binky the Clown: HEEEEEEYYYYYY KIIIIIIIIIIDSSSS!!]

Patrick says," Are you Mr. N?"

[Jjs: I don't know, that doesn't sound like Chef to me.]

Sablado says," You'll thank me and my boss later!"

[Jjs: That didn't answer his question, asshole.]
[OMJ: If this shortens the chapter so that I can finally finish my riff, then thanks in advance!]

He runs away. 

[Jjs: Seriously, why the hell did I shoehorn him in? Was the sea monster plot so boring I had to force in an "overall story arc" related character who didn't even really need to be there to kickstart (haha) the plot?]
[OMJ: He must be on the clock, a contractual shoehorning can only last so long.]

Squidward says," Who in Neptune's Name was that?" 

[OMJ: I'd tell you if I could pronounce it.]

Sebastian says," I don't know but my machine! It's making thunder bolts shock into the sea!"

[Jjs: What the hell? How is this happening? I assume I meant electricity sparks, but still, this just seems really forced. It's like I was just rushing to have a conflict because nothing of substance happened so far, which I probably was.]
[OMJ: As if a sea monster on the loose wasn't enough of an obstacle.]

Just then, they make a gap into the ocean and something is growling.

[Jjs: You sure that growling isn't Patrick's stomach or Gary or something?]

The Giant Sea Monster rises up from the open ocean and growls.

[Jjs: I thought its name was "The Sea Monster", not "The Giant Sea Monster". These villains can never stick to one name it seems.]

It is in Pain. 

[Jjs: Subtle.]
[OMJ: Not as much as I'm in thanks to the headache this whole situation has brought on. But who's this Pain and why is this sea monster penetrating it?]

Sandy yells," Shut it off!" The Lightning Bolts hit the Sea Monster's shell and hit back, and destroy the machine. 

[Jjs: Proofreading. Yeah, I definitely was rushing to get this one out.]

They also shock Squidward and he collapses to the ground. 

[Jjs: Thank you past self for the kind of unnecessary Squidward abuse.]
[OMJ: He kinda deserved it for his unnecessary bitching earlier.]

Spongebob yells," Squidward!" Squidward trys

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: tries]

to say," Agh..Spo-Spongebo-" He trys 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: tries]

to get up. The Sea Monster seems mad and starts to move toward the Goo Lagoon.

[Jjs: You mean the beach? Because it's already in Goo Lagoon.]

To be Continued..

[Jjs: Why was this made a two-parter again? Oh right...padding.]
[OMJ: This is what I've kept you all waiting a month for. :bruh: ]

 

Edited by MLG Vanilluxe
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I think one of the big problems with the first half of the series in retrospect was always using generic, one-off OCs for every suspect and culprit. It would be one thing if these new characters at least had some charisma to them, but all of them are just completely bland. Like seriously, why the fuck couldn't that have been the Fred that says "My Leg!"? <_< That at least would have been somewhat interesting. 

Oh, and lol at one of the characters being named Zell. Glad to see Squall's friend is in this now too.

squall_and_zell_by_hummingbird712.jpg

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Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

15. The Sea Monster Strikes Back (Part 2)

Spoiler

15. The Sea Monster Strikes Back (Part 2):

[Jjs: I really hope there's not a third part called "Return of the Sea Monster", followed by a prequel trilogy, and then a revival trilogy. Because this two-parter has been stretching for content as it is, the thought of more terrifies me more than anything in this.]
[OMJ: Hopefully this chapter elaborates just what this sea monster is striking back against, because all I see is air.]

The Sea Monster continues to head toward the Goo Lagoon.

[Jjs: Which it technically is already at. Don't you mean beach...again? If this spin-off is going to repeat itself, I will too.]

Squidward is a pain from that shock.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: in pain]

[Jjs: But knowing this spin-off, maybe Squidward is being a douche to everyone to vent off steam (haha) from his shock.]
[OMJ: Great, as if he wasn't one enough as it is.]

He gets up and says," I feel a little better,"

[Jjs: Despite no less than a sentence ago saying you were "a pain from that shock". Loving the consistency. Or maybe Squidward has Wolverine healing powers.]
[OMJ: So he pretends that he's a missing girl?]

Spongebob then replies," We must hurry and stop it!"

[Jjs: Stop it from doing what, exactly? That's my biggest problem with this two-parter...there's no real plot. A sea monster appears. It knocks two surfers out of the water and disappears. Where's the mystery in all of this?]
[OMJ: Maybe those two surfers owed him money?]

The Creature growls and its green eyes glow. Sandy says," Hey..wait a Minute!"

[Jjs: No thanks, this two-parter has been stalling enough as it is, I don't think more waiting is needed.]
[OMJ: Great, ANOTHER new character.]

Patrick says," What is it Sandy?" Sandy says," It keeps growling and making strange noises..What if it is in pain?"

[Jjs: So you mean there's no actual villain in this two-parter? Hooray.]
[OMJ: So, no other monster in this show growled and made strange noises to them?]

Sebastian says," Hm..it's possible, but I need to fix this machine!"

[Jjs: Even though I'm still not sure what the point of this machine is.]
[Sebastian: Why, without this machine, how else are we gonna hurt it even more?!]

The gang helps him repair it and it is working again.

[Jjs: well okay]
[OMJ: I'm just gonna assume they set it to wumbo.]

Spongebob then says," I still want to know who that cloaked guy was,"

[Jjs: Too bad, first you need to solve the "mystery" of the sea monster doing...um...I'm not sure what it's doing, but deal with it, I guess.]
[OMJ: Blah, blah, blah, your needs.]

Gary meows sadly.

[OMJ: Then why don't you two just go and marry the motherfucker already?!]
[Jjs: I would too if a two-parter is stalling this badly. Can something happen already???]

Sandy says," I had another idea. Maybe Gary could try and talk with the Sea Monster? Both of them are animals!"

[Jjs: I don't know if the sea monster can speak snail, but sure? At least we're finally getting to some form of a plot, holy crap.]
[OMJ: You're ALL animals. Or is this another case of Goofy and Pluto?]

Sebastian tells Spongebob, Sandy and Gary to hop in his boat. He says," Patrick and Squidward, stay here," Patrick salutes him and says," Yes Sir!"

[Jjs: Hey now, Patrick and Squidward is a unique pair. Let's see if they get any interesting character interaction or development together, and I'm ready for disappointment, but it's something worth looking forward to in this.]

Sebastian, Sandy, Spongebob and Gary are in Sebastian's boat.

[Jjs: Yes, we already knew they were in Sebastian's boat. Thanks for the redundant details, AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN!]

[Redundancy of Redundancy Department: The Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you Past Jjs, in that house which is a house on this block, which is on a street in this town.]

They drive along the waves and try to keep control.

[OMJ: Before you get too ahead of yourselves and keep control, I'd suggest you try and keep my attention first.]
[Jjs: Dat tension. But you know, this makes me realize something...is anyone else even on the beach right now? If not, that really just makes this "conflict" lack any stakes. Why should we care if the sea monster reaches an empty beach?]

We see Patrick wrap one of Squidward's Tentacles with a bandage.

[Jjs: None of them did this earlier? Assholes. At least Patrick cares enough about Squidward.]
[OMJ: 

]

Squidward says," T-Thanks Patrick,"

[Jjs: Wow, dat quality character interaction and development. Better than anything else in this entire two-parter so far.]

Just then, we see 3 Cloaked Figures appear. A brown one, a Black one..and a Grey One!

[Jjs: Wow, a grey cloaked figure! :o Well shit, drop everything guys, truly the most exciting part of the entire two-parter! :o ]
[OMJ: That almost flinched me out of my seat.]

Squidward points to the Black Cloaked figure and says," You!"

[Jjs: 8MidraL.jpg ]
[OMJ: khfaq09nobodies.gif

SABLADO IS THE LEADER OF ORGANIZATION XIII, AND THE LEADER OF ORGANZATION XIII IS XEHANORT'S NOBODY!]

He laughs and says," Call me Sablado," The Brown cloaked figure laughs and says," I'm Loki!" She dances.

[OMJ: 1e5.gif ]

The last Cloaked Figure, who is Grey,

[Jjs: Yes, we already knew he was grey. The pointless focus on colors is really pissing me off about both parts.]

says," I am Aradois!"

[Jjs: You mean Ariados? So we have a Marvel villain, a Pokemon, and an odd ass name as our Phantom Trinity. What a motley crew.]
[OMJ: I honestly don't know where to riff this.]

Aradois is large is a Blowfish.

[Jjs: Ariados isn't a blowfish.]
[OMJ: Thank for slapping together that picture.]

Loki is a catfish and Sablado is a Swordfish.

[Jjs: NIQuW3P.jpg ]

They all yell," We are the Phantom Trinity! Mr. N's best henchmen!"

[Jjs: And only henchmen, so that doesn't really say much.]
[OMJ: Am I reading a Scooby Doo parody or a Pokemon fan fiction?]

Squidward says," What..?!"

[Jjs: They all yelled, "We are the Phantom Trinity! Mr. N's best henchmen!" That shock didn't make you deaf, last I checked.]

Patrick says," The Phantom Trinity? Are you a band?"

[Jjs: Nah, they were just my cheap attempt at the Shadow Triad from Pokemon Gen 5. Some random backstory behind my "thought process" back then for anyone who cares.]
[OMJ: Well, I guess that answers my last question.]

Sablado groans and says," No, but we will banish you from here!" He grabs out a mystic staff and shocks Patrick.

[Jjs: The mystic staff he grabbed out of his ass?]
[OMJ: So this is real magic and not just smoke and mirrors usually implemented by Scooby Doo villains?]

He falls knocked out to the ground and Aradois punches Squidward.

[Jjs: Yay, more kind of unnecessary Squidward abuse.]

He groans," Gah..Again-" They both fall knocked out.

[OMJ: Even Squidward notices the somewhat unnecessary abuse.]
[Jjs: I thought Patrick already "fell knocked out" a line above.]

Aradois then smashes the machine with his fin.

[Jjs: ARADOIS SMASH!]

Sebastian is still driving the boat.

[Jjs: Nice job, champ. Is that his only purpose now?]
[OMJ: Dat progress.]

Spongebob looks out at Sea and sees the Sea Monster. It seems sad.

[Jjs: I'd be sad too if I was the star of this boring as fuck two-parter.]
[OMJ: So the ocean IS on this!]

Sebastian stops the boat. He grabs a pen from his shirt pocket. He reveals it is a laser.

[Jjs: ...What the fuck? Maybe this guy really is The Professor from Spyro...]

He shines a red dot at the Sea Monster. 

[OMJ: Oh, THAT kind of laser.]

It growls even more sadly. Gary starts to meow. The Sea Monster then starts to come toward the boat!

[Jjs: Is Sebastian trying to kill them now? Don't blame him.]

It appears over the boat with its big head. Sandy pets its head and says," Relax, we are here to help,"

[Jjs: Oh god, get out of there now Sea Monster. We've seen how well they are at "helping" people.]
[OMJ: Tell that to the species of eel people you helped drove to extinction.]

The Sea Monster seems happier now. Gary meows at it. The Sea Monster growls. They continue to talk through Meows and Growls.

[Jjs: I feel like this meowing and growling is probably much written better dialogue than anything else in the spin-off so far.]
[OMJ: If only this were as touching as it's trying so hard to be.]

Gary points to its shell and notices there is large piece of metal jammed into its shell.

[Jjs: For a second, I thought Gary was pointing to his shell, not the sea monster's, and was about to question how none of them noticed a "large piece of metal" jammed into Gary's shell. Just felt like clearing that up if anyone thought the same, and I wouldn't blame you if you did with how hilariously vague that was.]

The gang hops on its large shell. They all start to pull on it.

[Jjs: HEAVE, HO!]
[OMJ: I'll laugh if this is all still just a guy in a suit.]

Meanwhile, we see The Phantom Trinity is gone and Squidward and Patrick wake up.

[Jjs: Wow, okay. Nice to see the Phantom Trinity contributed so much to this two-parter. I feel like I only threw them in just to reveal the third member, and I probably did. This was literally their role:

zGHQb4O.gif&key=2195d8bd68f90ceb7d45de45 ]
[OMJ: Well, just as long as they don't start time traveling.]

Squidward says," Attacked twice in one day!"

[Jjs: Poor Squidward. Why did I treat him like shit in this two-parter?]

Patrick says," Don't worry, we'll find the Lantern Trinity," Squidward facepalms and says," It's the PHANTOM Trinity or whatever, genius,"

[Jjs: "or whatever" suffices.]
[OMJ: The true title of this chapter.]

Sandy karate chops the piece and Spongebob does as well. But Spongebob screams and sucks his hand.

[Jjs: Oww, my wittle finger!]

Sebastian does research and says," Ah ha,

[Jjs: This guy has got to be The Professor, he just has to be!]

this Sea Monster's Shell is like its protection. 

[OMJ: "or whatever, genius"]

[Jjs: I know this guy is supposedly smart, but I don't think he's smart enough to make "this Sea Monster's Shell is like its protection" sound like anything anybody would say, ever.]

If that is damaged-" Sandy then says," Then it will get lots of pain!"

[Jjs: Seriously, are we sure this isn't a bad 4Kids dub?]
[OMJ: The eel burgers that were badly edited over the eel sushi a couple episodes ago seems to point that way.]

Sebastian says," It may have just hit a piece from an old ship or another ship that was coming apart 

[OMJ: "or whatever, genius"]

[Jjs: Yeah, large metal pieces just happen to come off of ships willy nilly. Bikini Bottom really needs to clean up its ocean.]

but nonetheless, we need to help it,"

[Jjs: By "we", that means you. Watch as I'm proven right in 3...2...]

Sebastian hops back onto the boat and grabs out a piece of rope. He ties it to the boat and then to the metal piece. He drives it and the Sea Monster growls. The metal piece goes flying out and smashes into some coral. 

[OMJ: Now the pioneers won't have any sustenance.]

Sebastian covers up the damaged spot with a bandage.

[Jjs: It's sad how the character of the day did more than any of our protagonists. That's really sad.]
[OMJ: Yeah, way to save the coral reefs, bud!]

The Sea Monster feels a bit better.

[Jjs: I think it would be more than "a bit" better.]

Spongebob says," So, it came here because it got hurt and went on a rampage! 

[OMJ: Way to sugarcoat it.]

Mystery solved,"

[Jjs: WHERE WAS THE "MYSTERY" IN ANY OF THIS? A damn five year old could've figured that out!]

Sandy says," I wish we knew who that figure was,"

[Jjs: What the hell is the point of this line? We get it, they're curious, but it just feels so out of place and pointless since Squidward and Patrick are about to tell them in a few. The amount of unnecessary lines of dialogue and redundant details in this two-parter are more glaring than usual.]
[OMJ: Well, there's this episode's mystery right there.]

Sebastian drives them back to shore. He says," I am going to take This Sea Monster back to its home. Bye!"

[Jjs: SpongeSebastian should be the protagonist at this point. But seriously, glad to see the Sea Monster ended up being such a "threat". The idea of a real monster could've been a cool concept, but it just feels so...boring and lame here.]
[OMJ: Scooby Doo on Zombie Island, this most definitely is not.]

They wave farewell to him.

[Jjs: It was nice not knowing you. Although, I'm still suspicious about that guy. I get the feeling our sea monster isn't quite safe...alas, this is one cliffhanger of many that is never followed up.]
[OMJ: Well, like I always say, Seb is WhaleBlubber.]

Squidward explains about the Phantom Trinity. Spongebob says," I think we have a bigger threat on our hands

[OMJ: Yeah, all that dancing and squid abuse puts them on par with Team Rage!]

[Jjs: You "think" you have a bigger threat on your hands? You're not even sure if three shady people that attacked Patrick and Squidward are "threats"?]

..and we won't stop until we find them!" 

[Jjs: Might as well stop the search right then and there, since this line doesn't go anywhere. Without spoiling, they don't "find" them.]

Gary meows in a supporting way. 

[OMJ: I appreciate your input.]

Sandy opens the locket she found and still wonders what happened to the old gang. Spongebob says," We'll find that out too!"

[Jjs: I love how SpongeBob can apparently read Sandy's mind and just assumed she was wondering what happened to the old gang by looking at a locket. One of the most forced and pointless ways to move the "plot" along, ever. Had to throw in some way to connect to the overall arc, amirite past me?]

Before the episode ends,

[Jjs: Dammit!]

we see The Phantom Trinity in an alley in Downtown.

[Jjs: Of course, the classic, cliche alley meeting spot for any evil group!]
[OMJ: With a budget like that, how do they hope to conquer anything?]

They get a call from Mr. N who says," Good job..but now they are suspicious,"

[Jjs: Suspicious about what? They were already suspicious of you before, I doubt sending three assholes after them really changed much other than them probably reasonably thinking you're a douche now. Let's just say this line will end up creating quite a few plot holes later on, making it clear none of this second half was properly thought through.]
[OMJ: Maybe next time you should just mail some anthrax to them.]

Sablado says," Don't worry, we'll take care of it," The episode fades to black with them laughing.

[Jjs: Oh no, I still can't find my seat... :( 

Seriously though, why was this made a two-parter again? "Padding" is still correct, but "Stalling" is actually the true answer. Because it's clear I was stalling with this nothing of a two-parter since I had no clue what to do with the story anymore. This entire two-parter was a boring waste of time. If you're going to do a two-parter in a story arc (supposedly) heavy story, something should happen in it. Literally nothing happened. Impressive. Clunky dialogue, pointless details, lots of padding, and extremely tensionless. The Phantom Trinity had zero reason to be here, and were only forced in to give it some kind of "plot advancement", and even then those three barely impact anything, so who gives a shit. I have to apologize to Past Steel for getting on him about nothing happening in The Dark Side of the Herd Parts 1 & 2. At least they built to something. This two-parter does not. Normally, I wouldn't bother wasting my time with throwaway chapters like these, but the reason I wanted to riff these two is because it is somewhat of a big deal they waste so much time when we only have eleven chapters left. I literally could've used these two for anything else, or even have only just made this idea one chapter. This entire two parter had no real reason to exist since I had to wing something out while I stalled on the overall "arc". This should be telling of the quality to expect from now on. Ducktales Woohoo.]

 

Edited by The Lich
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Since Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island was brought up, I realized that actually would've been a good idea for the theme of this two-parter. "THE MONSTERS ARE REAL!" That would've been a good way to mark the series' transition. But no, instead we get what may as well be a lion with a thorn in its paw. I won't go as far to say that a two-parter needs a bad guy, but how can you put a bad guy in a two-parter and have them barely do anything? O_O

Edited by Edgy Metal
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Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

16. Supreme Power

Spoiler

16. Supreme Power

[Rusty: ...Jesus?]

[SOF: I have a strong feeling this is not going to be as "epic" as the title is trying to sound. Now if it was titled Maximum Power, you might've had me.]

[Jjs: Here is where the spin-off pretty much loses any sort of coherence or consistency. Let me just say right now nothing about this chapter is "supreme". In fact, it may be one of the worst chapters of the entire spin-off. Enjoy.]

[Steel: As someone who has "enjoyed" all the other USMI episodes, I know that I'm going to "enjoy" this "supreme" episode because air quotes.]

[Hayden: Will it make me want to take a Supreme Power Nap?]

Plot : Spongebob gets a call from Mr. N while sitting in his house.

[Rusty: "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"]

[Jjs: Wow. That may be one of the laziest or funniest set-ups I've ever seen for anything, I can't tell. Just sit in your house and get a phone call from a mysterious stranger to start the chapter.]

[Steel: At least it doesn't start with a typical, mysterious monster of the week intro this time.]

[Hayden: Damn telemarketers.]

[SOF: I for one enjoy the oddly mundane opening of SpongeBob getting called up by a stalker.]

Mr. N says," Hello Spongebob..tell your friends it's Time!"

[SOF: Nope, not making an Imagine Dragons reference. Too easy.]

Spongebob asks," Time for what?"

[Jjs: Time to move the "plot" along.]

[SOF: Time to change your phone number, hun.]

[Rusty: Time to get your brain to work on these riffs.]

[Steel: Time to take over another micro-nation? Time to save the world with the Elements of Harmony again? Time to read a better spin-off?]

[Hayden: Time to watch new Adventure Time? *checks zap2it listings for November* Blast it all to heck!]

It was too late. He had hung up. Spongebob seems a bit nervous.

[SOF: I'd be more than "a bit" nervous if this stalker had my number.]

Sandy is at her Treedome looking at her locket.

[SOF: LOOK AT IT! I WANT YOU ALL TO LOOK AT IT!]

[Jjs: Yes, how fascinating. Sandy looking at the locket really moves the "plot" along, as shown before the other unnecessary times she's done that.]

[Sandy: Oh Arnold, you make my squirrelhood tremble.]

[Hayden: tumblr_ln712219YH1qaxo2mo1_500.gif&key=9 ]

She then gets the same message from Mr. N. Squidward and Patrick do as well.

[SOF: So Mr. N has the phone numbers of all of the gang now. Well that's supremely creepy.]

[Jjs: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Mr. N literally said: "Spongebob...tell your friends it's Time!" Why did he do SpongeBob's job for him? To be fair though, considering their competence so far in the spin-off, I don't blame him for having second thoughts about entrusting SpongeBob with that task.]

[Steel: But it wasn't long before the fact that Mr. N revealing his caller ID meant that he would then have to deal with a string of calls from the mystery gang not knowing what exactly it is "time" for, while Mr. N has to take another call while in the middle of one explaining what it is "time" for.]

[Hayden: No phone call for Gary? Hope the little mollusk makes it there.]

Spongebob meets up with everybody outside the front of his house.

[SOF: I feel it'd be a lot easier if you had just said "SpongeBob meets up with everybody outside his house".]

He says," So..what does Mr. N mean?" Squidward says," Don't know, but it's probably something stupid,"

[Jjs: At least Squidward has the right idea here.]

[SOF: Supreme Stupidness.]

[Steel: I could make another reference to Dark Side of the Herd, but I would be going over my daily dose of vitamins, so...what can I say? It is probably something so stupid that Jjs had already warned me about the episode's storyline.]

[Hayden: Guess Squidward's just used to how the past 15 episodes turned out.]

Sandy says," Mr. N seems very serious Squidward,"

[SOF: Supreme Seriousness.]

Gary meows with a sad feeling.

[SOF: Supreme Sadness. Alright, got three in a row! What do I win? Nothing? Fiddlesticks.]

Patrick pets him and says," Don't feel sad!"

[Jjs: I'd be sad too with how dumb and confusing this plot line is about to get.]

[SOF: It's okay to feel sad sometimes, kids. Especially when reading spin-offs like this.]

[Rusty: YOU DON'T KNOW MY SUFFERING]

[Hayden: w5ZSLhK.gif?1 

Be Glad! :D ]

He calls them again and says," Also, bring the Purple Gem I sent you after the Ar Zon Wrathicon Mystery,"

[Jjs: Why didn't he tell them this from the start?]

[Hayden: Episode making a strong case for N either being very forgetful or very desperate to phone his only friends.]

[Steel: It's a good thing I've read that episode beforehand. Too bad I don't remember it much whereas it had to do with a Purple Gem.]

[SOF: What, no unnecessary reminder in parenthesis on the episode this happened?]

Spongebob opens the back of the Mystery Boat and opens the chest. He stares at the Golden Amulet with the Purple Gem.

[Jjs: Okay. I'm glad to see one cliffhanger in this story actually had a purpose. Unfortunately, it still doesn't make any sense, because...PLOT HOLE POLICE! Why the hell did Mr. N go to all the trouble of sending his henchmen to steal the amulet from the museum, give it to the gang...and then take it back a few chapters later? There is a half-assed answer provided for that (hint: forced plot advancement), but it's done in an extremely lazy way and doesn't fix how contrived this is. But here is another glaring flaw with this plot that ruins this entire chapter and anything that's about to happen...

WHY WOULD THEY GIVE HIM THE AMULET WHEN HIS HENCHMEN ATTACKED THEM IN THE PREVIOUS CHAPTER?!

Seriously. Maybe it's just me, but if a shady guy sent three shady henchmen (who personally said they worked for him btw) that injured my friends, I wouldn't give him shit. Once again, goes to show how just little I thought through any of this.]

[SOF: Maybe they hope giving him the amulet will get him to fuck off.]

He picks it up and puts it in his pocket. Sandy says," I wonder what it is for?"

[Jjs: Something very underwhelming.]

[Hayden:  ClosedBeneficialDunlin-size_restricted.g ]

[Rusty: Something something PTSD.]

[SOF: A plot device to reveal who Mr. N is after sixteen chapters, apparently. Even though I'm not sure why this amulet is suddenly important after being ignored.]

Spongebob says," I don't know Sandy..but I feel a dark presence from inside it,"

[Steel: Is it a disturbance in the Force that you're feeling?]

[SOF: I feel a draft.]

Squidward says," Well..where do we meet him?"

[SOF: A dark alley, since his henchmen seem to like them.]

[Jjs: Deep underground where nobody can hear your screams.]

[Hayden: Just mailing it would suffice. Krusty Krab is another option since no one besides N and the mystery gang are even looking for this amulet.]

Patrick says," Uh..maybe..I'll keep thinking!"

[Rusty: *Jeopardy music plays*]

[Jjs: ...The joke? Forced Patrick stupidity does not equal comedy gold.]

[Steel: Keep thinking about your comedic timing while you're at it.]

[Hayden: How is it a stupidity joke if they legitimately weren't told? It would be a joke if it had already been stated to Patrick over and over.]

Spongebob says," Why would he tell us to meet him when we don't know where he is?"

[Jjs: Yet another thing he forgot to tell them. I kind of question how seriously we're supposed to take Mr. N now if he can't even remember to initially tell them to bring a plot device, or where they are going to meet.]

[Steel: Well, that's a very good question...

Like seriously, where should the characters even start if they never knew Mr. N in person and if they don't know where he is on top of that? The only excuse the story could pull right out of its behind is to make Mr. N suddenly appear in a puff of smoke. I'd be surprised if the story didn't try to do that though.]

[Hayden: Yeah, at this point, even the writer finds N goofy if he's having the characters point out how N isn't even giving them info required to get what he wants. Self-imposed obstacle.]

[SOF: Maybe for once he hopes they can figure it out on their own. LET'S FIND OUT FOLKS!]

Squidward says," Oh well, maybe this whole thing was a hoax! There is no Mr. N!"

[Jjs: Honestly...I'd prefer that "twist" instead of what we're about to get.]

[Hayden: Well, I don't think this version of Squid has his Noir skills honed....]

[Rusty: It's a conspiracy, man!]

"Why would he do that?" Sandy asked.

[Hayden: 200.gif&key=9986c40080dffc098a100ac6a7bb ]

[SOF: What? Why would he do anything if he didn't actually exist? Did Sandy zone out here?]

[Jjs: Why would he send three mysterious henchmen to attack Squidward and Patrick? Hell, you could ask why he's done anything he has in this spin-off. I don't know why any of you are attempting to trust him. Holy crap, you guys are dumb.]

[Steel: You know, Mr. N plays a major role in the story as the character that only the audience has any sort of idea of what kind of person he is, with SpongeBob and co. having to figure out the mystery of Mr. N by themselves even when the mystery man occasionally gives away some tidbits of information about himself, whatever connections are being made towards the old mystery gang, and why he's giving the new mystery gang these kind of assignments, but what are we doing here with the mystery gang still being lost in the sauce?]

All 5 were stumped on what to do.

[Jjs: Yeah, it's not like you have a choice to ignore him or anything.]

[Hayden: Just their average stump day.]

[SOF: Welp, looks like the gang is at a loss here folks. Can they still do it? Can they still find where Mr. N is on their own!? I'm much more invested in this than anything else so far, if you can't tell.]

[Steel: And so the mystery of Mr. N will never be solved because the gang still has zero evidence to support his possible identity or whereabouts, or connections to the old and new mystery teams. Story's over. Roll the credits.

]

Was Mr. N testing them?

[Jjs: If this is a test, they're getting failing grades so far.]

[Steel: The gang would also have to solve the mystery of what their own grades look like, knowing how this current plot is unfolding.]

[Hayden: They'll all get N's on their report cards.]

[SOF: Maybe this is all a test to see if they can find something without any of his hints.]

Gary meows and starts to crawl away.

[Jjs: Wow, even Gary wants out of this.]

[Rusty: Can't blame him.]

[SOF: I'm just going to assume he told them to fuck off and is going to solve it on his own.]

Spongebob yells," Gary, get back here!" Gary continues on his path.

[Hayden: Gary sure isn't taking any calls today.]

[Jjs: Gary has more of a defined path than I had with the "story".]

[SOF: Damn, Gary really has had it with their shit.]

[Gary: Fuck you, I'm bored of this exposition!]

[Steel: Gary, now I know I was wrong. I messed up and now you're gone...]

Sandy says," Maybe he is trying to show us something?"

[Jjs: Or get out of the spin-off.]

[Steel: You think so, after whatever job you've all been doing in trying to solve the mystery?]

[Hayden: Ultra Instinct Gary strikes again....]

[SOF: "There is no Mr. N!" An ominous theory that could make for a potentially interesting twist. Followed up by an off-tangent response by Sandy, the gang stumped on what to do, and Gary going off on his own, leading to a snail chase. But no worries, Gary somehow leads them to their next plot point without any actual work. Looks like the rest of the gang failed, but Gary passed. Job well done Gary, you earned a SOF cookie.]

They follow him and they come to a manhole. Gary pushes it to the side. Spongebob says," Hey..isn't this-" "The Bikini Bottom Caverns!" answered Sandy.

[Jjs: No, the correct answer is the Bikini Bottom Sewers. You go into the sewers, and then find the broken wall leading into the caverns. Consistency.]

[SOF: And sadly no return of The 3rd Worker. I still want to know why they were digging in those sewers, dammit.]

They climb down it.

[SOF: Damn, Gary can lead them to Mr. N and climb down ladders now? Easy there Past Jjs, don't over glorify Gary's skills.]

"Mr. N has to be in here," said Sandy.

[Rusty: You don't say.]

[Jjs: Sure, I guess. For all you know, Gary could have just sniffed out a lost snail treat or whatever random pieces of food he eats in this spin-off.]

[Steel: Well, the story didn't have to resolve into making Mr. N appear out of nowhere, but we got a conveniently placed shortcut to the sewers that Mr. N might conveniently be living under.]

[Hayden: Mr. Needs a Bath.]

They walk through the caves and into the area where they faced the Ice Cream Mutant (From the 1st Episode).

[Jjs: xGaKyEr.jpg ]

[SOF: Oh, there's our unnecessary reminder in parenthesis. Why did Ar Zon get gipped of his though? I call bullocks.]

[Hayden: Ice cream mutants love early episode callbacks.

]

"Ha Ha Ha! You kids make me laugh..

[Jjs: That makes one person.]

[Hayden: Laughter is the best medici-N.]

you've come very far," said a mysterious voice.

[SOF: I still love how mysterious voices are their own characters, even though everybody and their grandmother can figure out who it is.]

Patrick says," Who-Who's There?! A Ghost?!" The voice says," It's me, Mr. N of course. But before I show you what I want, let's put your skills to the test!"

[Jjs: Uh oh, I strongly doubt any of them studied for this.]

[Hayden: So Mr. N is the college professor that gives pop tests instead of pop quizzes.]

[SOF: Wait, hold on. So did Gary smell Mr. N's scent...all the way above ground?

...

...Yeah, maybe I shouldn't think about this anymore. Continue.]

Just then, 2 giant boulders come hurling at the gang and they all dodge them. They smash into each other.

[Jjs: Wow. That was the "test"? All they needed to do was dodge two boulders and get an A? I wish my exams were that simple.]

[Hayden: But then they were hit by all the rock debris and died.]

[Steel: *Indiana Jones theme blaring in the background.*]

[SOF: I'm sincerely doubting Gary dodged those boulders, unless one of them picked him up.]

Mr. N says," Not bad..but can you handle this?!"

[SOF: If they could handle two boulders, they can probably handle what's next.]

Just then, dark steam covers the air and the gang trys to get through it.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: tries]

[SOF: Boulders and dark steam! You diabolical fiend, how could you!?]

Spongebob puffs up and absorbs the smoke.

[Jjs: I don't think that's how sponges work.]

[Steel: Maybe not, but I've read in some places where sea sponges have defense mechanisms such as enzymes and minerals to prevent toxins from developing inside their bodies and- 

Yeah, I don't think I can really explain this.]

[Hayden: It's opposite day so sponges can absorb gases instead of liquids.]

He coughs and it bursts out of him when he deflates.

[Jjs: Hopefully he doesn't get lung cancer.]

[SOF: Ah ha, Mr. N's true plan was to give SpongeBob lung cancer! Now that's a true act of E.V.I.L!]

[Steel: Eventually SpongeBob died upon arrival at the hospital in due to secondhand smoke poisoning.]

[Hayden: Mr. N's plan was just to get them addicted to cigarettes. He's from a tobacco company.]

Mr. N is still hiding.

[SOF: Is the final part a riveting game of hide and seek?]

He says," Well, well, well. Not bad.

[SOF: Kind of hard to do anything below "not bad" when your best challenge is steam.]

Fine, I'll reveal myself!"

[Jjs: That was all they needed to do to make him reveal himself? Can this chapter get any lazier?]

[SOF: I guess he's had enough of the stalling too. Can we consider hiring a Stalling Police? Because I think we might need them if we get more chapters like these.]

[Hayden: They needed to "nearly" die to be worthy of handing him over some pretty jewelry? If N is trying to dupe them into trusting him, this is not the way to start off. Unless he expected them to perish so he could just pick the amulet up off their lifeless bodies.]

[Steel: The other most jarring thing about this test is that none of these particular examinations have been foreshadowed nor happened over the course of the gang's adventures. Then again, USMI is partly an action/adventure series.]

A figure jumps in the air and jumps off against some cavern walls.

[Jjs: Damn, Mr. N with those parkour skills.]

[Hayden: Well I know Mr. E in the real show wasn't healthy enough for that.]

[Steel: So, he was Sportacus all along?]

The figure appears down. Mr. N has revealed himself.

[Jjs: Of course, who else would it be? This handholding is starting to piss me off.]

[Hayden: Maybe back then you were writing with past SOF's comprehension in mind?]

[SOF: Awkward if so Hayden, as I didn't even read the second half when it was written. Anyways, I'm betting it's The 3rd Worker, it's just gotta be!]

He says," Hello children!"

[Jjs: If he's not Chef I'll be very disappointed.]

[SOF: If it's not The 3rd Worker I'm going to sue.]

[Steel: He's said this quite often to the point where I can't help but shake the feeling that he's apparently getting off at greeting SpongeBob and his friends in his sinister fashion.]

[Hayden: All of them are adults, and if they weren't, you'd sound like a pedophile trying to lure them into your sewer van.]

He is a tall fish with a Black Suit.

[Jjs: ...Yup. Disappointment.]

[Hayden: Oh, so a design as intriguing as a villain fish from Down Under.]

[Steel: Sportacus is a member of Organization XIII? How much have I missed?] 

[SOF: Of course, the same dastardly black suit used by villains like the ATTWL 3 killers! Someone sure is fancy when it comes to meetings with amateur mystery solvers in underground caverns. Oh, and I'm very disappointed it's apparently not The 3rd Worker. Dreams crushed. ;( ]

He has dark purple skin and black eyes.

[SOF: Are his whole eyes black? Well that's creepy. Was this an unintentional foreshadowing for the Jellions?]

He laughs and walks forward. A Golden N hangs from his neck.

[Jjs: Ah, I see why nothing about this chapter makes any sense. My younger self was clearly more focused in describing Mr. N's fancy ass bling. It's glistening.]

[Hayden: All that glistens is Gold-N.]

[Steel: You don't know a true OG until you see how Mr. N lets his chain hang loose.]

Spongebob says," I never imagined you looking like this!"

[Jjs: I didn't either considering the story was winged on the fly.]

[Steel: Neither do I since I barely remember reading this spin-off.]

[Hayden: I never imagined any of them were even trying to imagine that with how uninvested they were in investigating N until he asked them to meet.]

[SOF: Well I certainly didn't expect he'd have purple skin, fancy black suit, creepy black eyes, and a gold N around his neck. You know, the four things any mysterious guy has.]

"Alright, cough up the gem," Said Mr. N.

[Hayden: JCM, that's gross.]

Sandy says," Wait, aren't you going to tell us about yourself or who you are?"

[Jjs: Nah, that allows me more time to make up those answers later on, silly Sandy. ;) ]  

"Hand me over the Gem first," Said Mr. N. Spongebob takes the gem out of his pocket and throws it at his fin.

[Jjs: Seriously, why are they even giving into this guy's demands? It's not like he kidnapped them or anything. None of them had to do this...]

[Steel: She probably needs to save that purple gem for something, Moneybags.]

[Mr. Krabs Xat Bot: Did somebody say money? (smirk) ]

[SOF: I'm just going to headcanon that they're giving the gem so he can stop stalking them, since there doesn't seem to be any other good explanation here.]

He catches it. Mr. N laughs. He yells," Fools!"

[Jjs: WOW THE MYSTERIOUS GUY WITH HENCHMEN WHO ATTACKED SQUIDWARD AND PATRICK LAST CHAPTER TRICKED THEM NO WAY :o ]  

[Steel: WOW THE MYSTERIOUS GUY WHO'S CLEARLY A MAIN VILLAIN CALLED THEM "FOOLS"]

[Hayden: WOW THE MYSTERIOUS GUY WHO WAS ANAL ABOUT TAKING A MYSTERIOUS OBJECT FROM THEM HAD BAD INTENTIONS WITH IT  :o ]

[SOF: WvEBL1P.jpg ]

He puts the gem around his neck. His body turns glowing Purple.

[Jjs: Pretty sure that "turns" is unnecessary, much like a lot of things in this chapter.]

[Mr. N: Your dumb Purple Gem turned my skin purple!]

[Hayden: Except he already was purple.]

Sandy says," What is going on?!"

[Jjs: His body is "turns glowing Purple", apparently.]

[Steel: My thoughts exactly.]

[Rusty: He's turning into a grape.]

[Hayden: N's villainous motivation can be summed up as this:

cFi3UTY.gif?1 ]

[SOF: Stupid squirrels can't tell when they're being double crossed. *adds to list of squirrel jokes*]

Mr. N laughs and says," This gem has a power..it absorbs evil energy from things!"

[Jjs: Okay, for those confused out of their minds: he wanted the gem to absorb energy from monsters of the week. That would make sense...if that happened earlier in the series. Why would he have needed "evil energy" from scallops and a sea monster that actually wasn't evil (!)? There was literally no need to give them the gem in the first place if it already had absorbed energy from the other monsters they faced (and then there's the question of how the gem even absorbed the previous monsters if it was in the museum the whole time...whoops, there I go using my brain). Seems pretty unnecessary to give it to them for just two monsters. I feel like so many plot holes could've been avoided here if I had placed "The Screaming Horror" much earlier in the spin-off. Either way, I call major BULLSHIT POLICE on this entire chapter, and what's about to transpire.]

[Steel: Apparently, Mr. N isn't so smart enough to give a clear, detailed description about the gem's powers, but he at least clarified that it has a "power" to absorb evil from "things."]

[SOF: Also, why was this powerful item just on display at some random museum? Why doesn't he wait until there's potentially more monsters to absorb? I'll stop asking questions now, since I doubt those were thought about by Past Jjs.]

[Hayden: But the good news is that since it hasn't had a chance to collect any power, it won't be any threat whatsoev-]

He grabs 2 Spike Pillars. He absorbs dark atoms from in them.

[Jjs: ...Wut?]

[Hayden: -er. Well, I guess spiky pillars are the devil's work.]

[Rusty: Fucking-]

[SOF: Apparently "spike pillars" have "dark atoms" in them. Even though I'm not sure if either of those are things at all.]

He starts to mutate. He turns into a hideous creature.

[SOF: I don't know about "hideous", maybe this mutation will be an improvement. Hopefully that shiny bling remains intact though.]

His form is consisted of every monster the gang has faced so far. His legs are from The Hunter's. One arm is a claw from the Man Lobster, the other arm is an arm from the Ice Cream Mutant. His waist is the waist of The Phantom. His eyes are from the Fright Snail.

[SOF: At least now he has red glowing eyes instead of black eyes. A slight step up.]

He has giant wings that are shaped like Scallops from the Scallop Creature. His face is normal, but there are tentacles from Ar Zon Wrathicon on it. His hair is from Ginger Myers.

[SOF: So we're supposed to believe this mutant form has normal hair? Makes it kind of hard to take this seriously now.]

His back is From the Sea Serpent. A tail from an Eel Person. His body is from The Robot and his stomach has a face from the Ghost Boat on it. One shoulder is Red from the Red Sea Dragon and the other is Blue from the Blue Sea Dragon. There are spikes on his back from the Sea Monster.

[Rusty: FUCKING-]

[Steel: Looks like someone's been taking one too many steroids.]

[Jjs: Fun fact. Originally, I was going to draw a picture of what I had envisioned Mr. N's monster form looked like back in winter 2010. In hindsight, I'm kind of glad I didn't because this sounds like a clusterfuck of epic proportions, like the entire second half. Also yes, this is real magic at work (even though it's not explained well), and much like the Sea Monster, it's very underwhelming and poorly executed. Speaking of, PLOT HOLE POLICE! Why was the Sea Monster absorbed if it wasn't really evil? Once again, lack of planning or thought.]

[Hayden: Well now you just HAVE to draw it. For closure. As Spongebob would say: "I never imagined you looking like this!"]

[SOF: ...Seriously though, what the actual hell did I just read? I feel like this is supposed to be "badass", but it comes off like a bunch of pointless details. But also more importantly, why the hell did Mr. N's "badass" mutation get much more elaboration than the gang's reasons for even giving him the gem? This spin-off doesn't seem to have its priorities straight, I tell you what.]

He laughs.

[Jjs: At least he's amused, because I'm not.]

[Steel: I wonder if this isn't even his final form.]

[Hayden: He's gone Super Saiy-N.]

[Rusty: FUCKING WHY? No wonder why I took so long to write these, how do I even riff this?]

The gang gasps at how powerful he is.

[SOF: Is his power "supreme" though? If not, then the chapter title is bullshit.]

He jumps up and smashes through the Cavern top with his Lobster Arm. He laughs more and more

[Jjs: Damn, he's hopped on more laughing gas than SECC!Woahwoah.]

[SOF: And just like SECC!Woahwoah, he likes taking his sweet time to get to the point.]

[Hayden: The laughter is just to hide the crying on the inside.]

and flys

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: flies]

away with his 2 Scallop wings spread out.

[Rusty: So, a whole scallop.]

[Jjs: Scallops don't have wings, so I'm not sure how he's flying right now. Would've made a lot more sense to use the sea dragon wings.]

[Hayden: This transformation is a lot more useful than it realistically should be.]

[Steel: If scallops have anything that helps them fly, they probably have tiny little glands hanging on their left and right cheeks. And now I'm giving myself ideas on how Mr. N's Lovecraftian form looks on paper.]

Spongebob says," ...We have been betrayed!

[Steel: Top 10 Anime betrayals.]

[SOF: That's why you should change your phone number when strange men start to call you.]

[Jjs: What did you think was going to happen, dumbass? Man, the gang were complete DIPSHITS in this chapter, holy shit.]

[Hayden: I think even SpongeBoy had fewer dipshit moments.]

Was this the same fate the Original Mystery Inc. suffered?"

[Rusty: Yes.]

[Jjs: I'd disappear too if I saw something as confusing and WTF as Mr. N's monstrous form.]

[Steel: Or they're trying to make preparations before going through the unskippable cutscenes again when the spin-off decides to take influences from JRPGs with Mr. N's extremely exotic looking/sounding form and all.]

"I don't know and I don't want to find out!" Squidward yelled.

[Jjs: Neither do I, Squidward.]

[Rusty: Same.]

[SOF: Squidward's the only character I can relate to right about now.]

"We'll stop Mr. N!" said Spongebob.

[Jjs: I highly doubt that.]

[Hayden: Only if he hand-writes you a tip on how to defeat him.]

[Rusty: From what, filing his taxes?]

Mr. N is still flying and laughs in an evil way.

[SOF: ALRIGHT ALREADY]

[Rusty: EEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL]

[Steel: Because an obvious villain is not completely obvious without an evil laugh for every few scenes.]

[Jjs: WE ALREADY KNOW HE'S EVIL. STOP HOLDING MY HAND. Hot damn, No Reader Left Behind. It's too bad that handholding couldn't have been used for things that actually needed it, like this plot line.]

[Hayden: Guys, hear me out, I think there's still a shred of good in there. He's just practicing flying because he's going to go stop a meteor from crashing into them. Oh, and he's laughing WITH them. Not at them. I'm not left behind.]

He says," Now to finish up the Job!" He roars with a Screech in front of the screen and it fades to black.

[Hayden:  see_what_you_did_there_doctor_who.gif&ke ]

[Jjs: Screech was super effective! The wild riffers blacked out!

But seriously, holy shit, was this chapter horrible. Worst of the spin-off so far, I'm serious. Maybe I'm being a Douchey McNitpick, but the gang were complete morons, the whole amulet plot made zero sense from start to finish, a lot of things in this don't end up making much sense in the grand scheme of things, everything about it was horribly set up, and it was just a slog to get through. It's clear I just rushed this one out to move the "story arc" along even if it made no sense. Also, I'll ask again: Where was the mystery in any of this? For all the crap people gave SpongeBoy for no mysteries near its end, this sure is doing the same thing. Enjoy the next chapter, because it's the last mystery of the spin-off. If you thought it couldn't get any worse than this...boy are you in for some treats.]

[Rusty: Oh jeez. Well, I'm surprised my brain is still intact after reading this, so that's a plus.]

[Steel: 

This would've made a lot of sense if USMI ended like this, but of course, I'm not even done with this story that's slowly getting worse for me. Jjs warned us all about the quality of this episode as well as it being a consistency trainwreck, and after reading this, I can definitely see why.]

[SOF: Yeah, this chapter was irredeemably bad. Most of it felt like it went through the motions without any substance, much like the first half, but this was even worse because it was supposed to be "important". Like jjs said, the gang were complete idiots, and the worst part is, for no real reason. There was no decent explanation for them to even give Mr. N the amulet other than Past Jjs wanting to finally get to a plot. Something happened, but it was executed in one of the dumbest and dullest ways. Mr. N's mutant form is just...dumb and what. If this is how the rest of the spin-off will go, then I am even more scared than I was at the end of chapter one...]

 

Edited by jjsthekid
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Sorry guys, but I ironically loved the part where Mr. N became a clusterfuck of all the monsters they had faced so far. Overkill with childlike innocence like that is just too cute for me to hate. Better yet, "dark atoms".

https://www.space.com/21508-dark-matter-atoms-disks.html

This show made a new discovery about dark matter. Talk about being ahead of your time. :D

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Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

17. Crook of the Castle

Spoiler

17. Crook of the Castle :

[Jjs: Well enjoy this one while it lasts ladies and gentlemen, because this is the last actual mystery of the spin-off. Will this actually be an entertaining final mystery, or more of the same? If your answer is "more of the same", then boy, are we in the same boat right now.]

[MMM: Well, I won't miss them.]

[OMJ: So we're going to find out what reallyhappened to this show's direction?]

Plot: Spongebob is in the Krusty Krab at a table. He says to the gang,

[Jjs: Why didn't I say the gang was with him instead of making people think he was at the table all by himself like a weirdo? This spin-off can't even be consistent for two sentences, impressive.]

[OMJ: I hope they're at least at their own table. Keep the quirkiness going.]

" We need a new plan. For unknown reasons, Mr. N has turned against us."

[Jjs: Which was easy to do when you handed the amulet to him like a bunch of dumbasses.]

[MMM: Yeah, I know I can think of some reasons.]

[OMJ: Can't say I blame him.]

Sandy replies," I know we couldn't trust him!"

[Jjs: THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE HIM THE DAMN AMULET!? This idiot ball is pissing me off. I'm never letting this go. One of the worst ways to move the "plot" along in any SBC work, ever.]

[MMM: Out of all their options, they definitely chose the worst.]

[OMJ: Sandy, your whacked out sense of past and present tense doesn't make you sound any more smart for giving him the damn amulet.]

Squidward then says," But why is he doing this?"

[Jjs: I dunno, why did he stalk you guys for 15 straight chapters? Why did he send three hooded weirdos to attack you and Patrick? Why the hell is his betrayal such a surprise to you jackasses?]

[OMJ: You just never know what lengths some people are willing to go to become a Pokemon master.]

The TV hanging from the ceiling is on the news channel.

[News Reporter: Breaking News: This spin-off gets even worse after this chapter.]

[OMJ: But on the bright side, the traffic heading both in and out of this spinoff's thread is at an all time low!]

The reporter says," Breaking News! King Neptune's Crown has been stolen!

[Jjs: Again? His castle really needs to get better security.]

We are investigating into who did this. Stay tuned for updates.."

[MMM: What's the hurry here?]

[News Reporter: Now to John with the weather, which is probably a lot more interesting than what's about to occur.]

[OMJ: So in other news, we're gonna have a group of kids (but not really kids) do the investigating for us!]

Spongebob says," Well, we have a mystery on our hands!"

[Jjs: I'd probably wash your hands first though, don't want to infect the mystery with your stupidity.]

The gang hops in the Mystery Boat parked outside and drives off.

[Jjs: Parked where? The Krusty Krab doesn't have a parking lot. Hopefully they didn't get a ticket or anything.]

Patrick says," So uh, where is King Neptune's Palace?" Spongebob replies," Uh..."

[Jjs: 24.]

[MMM: Are you asking me?]

Just then, Triton appears in front of them from a cloud of smoke

[OMJ: Just what this spinoff needed, actual teenage hormones.]

[Jjs: Great. Of all episodes to reference, I had to pick that one. While I don't have a problem with the episode references in general in this spin-off, I do have a problem with them not impacting anything. So far, they've just felt shoehorned-in for fanservice's sake, and make it unclear really when this spin-off is supposed to take place. I can tell you that Triton's guest star appearance is also not going to go anywhere either despite how this spin-off is trying to hype it up.]

[OMJ: There's been hype?]

and Squidward steers out of control. He crashes into a lamp post.

[Jjs: Because that running gag was so funny the other times it happened in the spin-off. Yeah, if there is only one thing I'm going to give credit to the second half for, it's that I'll be very happy when the tv.com format is abandoned, because "jokes" like these just don't get the time to play out. It's just too bad the upcoming format couldn't have been used for the first half instead.]

Triton says," Spongebob's Mystery solving gang!

[Jjs: Is that what they're calling it?]

[MMM: Alternate name for the spin off.]

[OMJ: In lame man's terms.]

Just the people I was looking for." He teleports them away along with the boat. They appear in front of King Neptune's Palace.

[MMM: I thought it would've been a castle, based on the title.]

Patrick says," That was easy."

[MMM: You said it.]

[Jjs: More like "convenient and an easy way to get this chapter done with asap".]

Triton shows them into his father's room. King Neptune appears and is very mad.

[Jjs: AND BALD!]

[OMJ: So is this the movie Neptune or show Neptune? Is there a manga Neptune that I don't know about?]

He yells," FIGURE OUT WHO STOLE MY CROWN!"

[Jjs: "I can't let the fish see me like this again, lest I burn out more eyes!"]

[MMM: BALD! BALD!]

[OMJ: Not with that attitude, mister.]

Triton says," My dad is still upset so i'll explain.

[Jjs: Kind of question how good your explanation will be if you can't even capitalize "I'll".]

[OMJ: And this just isn't Mindy in order to give Patrick some more material and side bitch action, becaaaauuuuse?]

This red figure appeared from nowhere and stole his crown.

[Jjs: A red figure? Could it be a...

3cgPz3V.jpg ]

[MMM: Plot twist: It was Mr. Krabs.]

[OMJ: Alternate Naked Krabs from The Algae's Always Greener? Wow, jjs is not joking with these callbacks.]

We couldn't stop him since he was too fast!"

[Jjs: GOTTA GO FAST!]

King Neptune says," And he gave me a black eye!"

[Jjs: Oh fuck, you know this thief is serious business when he's able to punch King Neptune in the eye!]

[OMJ: Forget N's swag, now THAT'S gangsta.]

Sandy says," Wait..red figure? Could it be.." "The Red Bandit!" replied Spongebob.

[MMM: Oh no, not the...who?]

[Jjs: Of course, the guy that we're only now hearing about and are about to get exposition on! :o How diabolical!]

[OMJ: How long did it take him to come up with that moniker?]

Squidward says," The most dangerous thief in the sea. He steals everything

[MMM: Even the sky?]

[OMJ: Hey, my virginity's missing!]

and nobody has been able to catch him.

[Jjs: Not surprising when you have police departments with only one officer.]

He's been wanted for years. I hope he doesn't steal anything of mine.."

[Jjs: Considering your clarinet can apparently pick locks, I'd keep a close eye on it.]

[OMJ: Don't be slick with your shit, Squidward. With a clarinet like that, you're apart of the thieves guild too.]

The gang walks around and looks for clues. Patrick finds a letter stickied to the back of King Neptune's throne. He says," Guys, I found something!" He opens it and reads the letter:

Red Bandit said:

Ha Ha Ha!

[Jjs: and it is em! ah ah ah! :hands: ]

[OMJ: *Ar Ar Ar!]

You've found my first message. Very clever.

[Jjs: Not exactly "clever" when you leave it stickied to the back of the king's throne.]

I am still on the loose though.

[Jjs: No shit. You'll be lucky if you're "on the loose" for much longer, since they'll surely find a contrived and rushed way to stop you, even if they suck at mystery solving.]

[OMJ: That poor loose.]

I got the king's crown in my fins.

[Jjs: No shit. Is this thief Captain Obvious?]

[OMJ: Watch out, he's got fins. There's no telling what he might do!]

I can assure you I am the real deal.

[Jjs: Whatever you say, buddy.]

[OMJ: Okay, are you done showing us your dick yet?]

Now, here is my name if you are really curious.

[Jjs: Wow, what a nice thief, giving us his identity already just to end the chapter.]

But it takes a real code cracker to get it:

[MMM: Aw, man.]

Afs Urccnabfe

[Jjs: Gibberish aside, why the hell would such an infamous thief give their name away in a code? No thief does that, which just makes me feel like this was extremely tacked on for a forced clue. Even if Officer Nancy is the only police officer on the force, she could still decode it. Not very wise, Mr. "smart" thief...]

[OMJ: At this point, I'm surprised he just doesn't offload the crown to them already.]

Squidward says," Okay, I have no idea what this says."

[Jjs: It clearly says as bright as day "Afs Urccnabfe"...whatever that is an anagram for.]

[MMM: Ha Ha Ha! You've found my first message...]

"Ignore it," replied Spongebob.

[Jjs: Yup, ignore the clue possibly telling you his identity! What a great idea!]

[OMJ: It's helped them last for 16 episodes.]

Sandy says," Spongebob's right. He's trying to taunt us."

[Jjs: I don't think leaving a stupid note counts as a "taunt" if you ask me.]

[OMJ: Unless he thinks they're that stupid. Which they are.]

They continued exploring around. Patrick opens a door and sees Princess Mindy looking at a mirror.

[OMJ: THERE WE GO!]

[Jjs: Yay, more forced fanservice! This would be cute, except for the fact this is seemingly implying the spin-off takes place after the first movie, which is really confusing, but whatever, I doubt I thought this through...again. Honestly, attempting to connect this to the show's timeline was just silly, seeing as the show's timeline is a mess as it is.]

He blushes and says," Hi there Mrs. Mermaid!" She seems annoyed and closes the door.

[Jjs: It's telling that The Door cockblocking Patrick gets more elaboration than the gang's exploration of the castle itself.]

[OMJ: Wow, Triton's actually a lot more pleasant than Mindy.]

He runs away.

[Jjs: No running in the halls! You could trip and get a boo boo! Or The Red Bandit could attack you!]

Squidward says," Wait..Triton! He might still be mad at his father for locking him up. It's the perfect motive and he could be posing as the Red Bandit!"

[Jjs: Even though I'm not a fan of that episode being referenced here, like at all, I'll be damned. This is actually a reasonable culprit suspicion for a change. About time the crew is shown on-screen suspecting someone with legitimate reasons instead of the culprit exposition-ing it for us at the end of the chapter.]

Sandy says," Well..it's a good theory but I don't think so."

[Jjs: I don't see you offering a better idea, bitch.]

[MMM: How is it a good theory, then?]

[OMJ: She's just saying that because she didn't connect those dots herself.]

Squidward says," Oh well, he's still on the suspect list."

[Jjs: Squidward giving a tentacle to the squirrel, alright!]

They continued walking.

[Jjs: Getting in that exercise.]

[OMJ: WALK CYCLES!]

[MMM:

]

Spongebob and Patrick come to a door that says," DO NOT ENTER!" They enter it anyways looking for clues.

[Jjs: Atta boy you two, giving a flipper to The Man!]

[OMJ: Screw the law, we have adult hormones.]

There are a lot of strange inventions in it.

[Jjs: Probably Neptune's sex dungeon.]

[OMJ: or Triton's, since he was the one that was all into science and shit.]

They see a giant stone like arch.

[Jjs: Also more simply known as, gasp, an arch.]

Just then, someone closes the doors behind them and locks it.

[Jjs: Of course...Someone, you naughty minx. The obscure SBC member who still finds ways to be relevant in our riffs is the culprit. Mystery over gang. Well I have to say, despite sharing a lot of problems as the previous ones, this one wasn't too bad-oh, that's not it? Fuuu....]

Spongebob and Patrick bang against the door,

[Jjs: hehe]

[MMM: Wasn't worth it, was it?]

hoping to get out. But no luck.

[Jjs: It's no use!]

[OMJ: Don't worry, I'm sure someone convenient will happen. Someone convenient always happens.]

We see the Red Bandit running through the halls. 

[Jjs: Wait a burger flipping minute. You mean to tell me this "intelligent" thief didn't leave the scene of the crime? Why would he still be there? I call BULLSHIT POLICE.]

[OMJ: Must've gotten lost in between leaving bread crumbs.]

He is bashing past Guards as he runs along.

[Jjs: Damn, this mofo must really be Sonic.]

[Red Bandit: Haha! This castle's old guards were even worse at keeping this place secure!]

A guard wakes up and sets off a nearby alarm. King Neptune seems mad.

[Jjs: King Neptune's only contribution to this chapter seems to be "seeming mad" a lot. Poor guy needs to take a break.]

[OMJ: No wonder why he's so bald.]

He calls everyone to evacuate the palace.

[Jjs: ...Instead of just trying to capture the thief. Maybe you shouldn't make these decisions when you're mad.]

[OMJ: Somebody should get him a Snickers.]

Sandy says," The trap is ready sir!

[Jjs: I didn't even know Sandy was making a trap. Would've been nice to know earlier.]

[MMM: Was the "DO NOT ENTER" room the trap?]

But no sign of Spongebob or Patrick.." The Red Bandit is a fish cloaked in a 3 costume.

[Jjs: A "3 costume"? Don't you mean a red costume? Odd af typo.]

[MMM: How is it even possible to write 3 instead of red? It's not like I would have guessed The Red Bandit, described as a red figure, would have a red costume, anyways.]

[OMJ: I'm just gonna picture him running around in a literal number 3-shaped costume from here on in.]

He looks like a Ninja. He jumps up and the Guards throw spears at him. He combats the spears 

[OMJ: I'm imagining this as a full blown fight with anthropomorphic spears from here on in.]

and breaks them. His fins are moving fast. He bounces off a tree and against the Mystery Boat. He jumps on top of a guard and punches him down to the ground.

[Jjs: Okay there, Jackie Chan.]

Gary meows and gets in his way while running.

[Jjs: Oh hey, there's Gary. I love how it literally took me until now to even mention him.]

He trips him and he goes flying off.

[OMJ: Top 10 Anime Battles]

[MMM: He can pull off all of that but Gary is what throws him off.]

[Jjs: For a "smart and dangerous thief", he sure didn't watch where he was going.]

Squidward trips over Gary as well and jumps up to capture him.

[Jjs: Is Gary's only purpose in this chapter to have people trip over him-*trips over Gary as well*]

[MMM: (gets tripped over by Gary)]

[OMJ: I refuse to join in this tomfoolery!]

The 2 get into a fight while floating.

[MMM: Squidward and Gary fight? Woah.]

[OMJ: ...Top 11 Anime Battles]

He viciously punches Squidward while still moving in the air. Squidward says," How is this possible?"

[Jjs: It's called "viciously punching Squidward while still moving in the air". You should try moving.]

[OMJ: He's got the power of god and anime on his side!]

He takes his clarinet and battles against his sword.

[Jjs: When the hell did The Red Bandit have a sword!? However, the visual of Squidward using his clarinet as a sword is too funny, so atta boy Squidward! Get 'em!]

Squidward starts to play it and the Red Bandit groans. He says," Stop it!"

[Doctor: Hi, I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises.]

[MMM: That's the power of music.]

[OMJ: Ultra Instinct Squidward!]

The 2 collide into a tree.

[OMJ: The Ultra Instinct must've timed out.]

[Jjs: Even though The Red Bandit is "fast" and could bounce off of one earlier. Gotta get this one done asap, amirite?]

Squidward says," I am okay, but I caught the Red Bandit!"

[Jjs: Good for you Squidward. But what did he exactly do in the chapter to deserve him getting the spotlight like this? This feels very forced if it's supposed to be "character development". Then again, I guess he deserves it after I treated him like shit in the sea monster chapters.]

[MMM: If those are two good things, why the but?]

[OMJ: This spin-off really is Dragon Ball.]

He tries to escape but Guards cuff him.

[Jjs: Not so fast now, wise guy. Also, why did Sandy say earlier she had a trap when we never saw one? Were Gary and the convenient tree supposed to be the "trap"? I'm very tempted to call the Inconsistency Police, but I'll spare them this time.]

[MMM: You have the right to remain silent.]

King Neptune is about to call the cops, but he realizes he can just throw him in the dungeon.

[Jjs: His sex dungeon. (smirk)

[OMJ: Just make it more easier for him to do this all over again when he escapes if this castle's security is anything to go by.]

"Now, who are you?" wondered Sandy. He removed his mask.

[Jjs: Sandy's a he now? :Laugh:

He is a brown fish with a red scar on his eye.

[Jjs: Edgy. He's a criminal, in case "The Red Bandit" didn't tip you guys off.]

He says," Fine, you finally caught me. My name is Rob Datterson."

[OMJ: Who else but DATTERSON?!]

[Jjs: Datterson? What the hell kind of a last name is that? But also...PLOT HOLE POLICE! Remember that "cleverly" placed note? How the flying fuck does "Afs Urccnabfe" translate to Rob Datterson?! This just made the note even more pointless now.]

[MMM: I guess SpongeBob was right about ignoring it.]

They also notice he had robotic devices on his arms which explains why he punched so fast.

[Jjs: Looks like he has no actual skill. Sad!]

[OMJ: And where or how he got these, we'll never know!]

King Neptune says," Where's my crown you thief?" He says," My partner has it. But you'll never find him!" "Partner?" wondered Triton.

[Jjs: Partners in crime, or more?]

We see a big flounder come falling out of a tree.

[Jjs: Flats?]

"Gorton!" yelled Rob.

[OMJ: The Jjs name generator, fast at work.]

[Jjs: Aw. But yay, introduction of a new character at the last second we'll never see again!]

Gorton runs up to him with the crown in his fin. He says," Here it is boss!" Rob groans.

[Jjs: He's the dumb one, in case you guys haven't realized.]

[OMJ: Hard to tell in a story full of em.]

He says," This is my partner Gorton. At certain times, he was me. Yup, it took a 2 person effort to steal the most valuable treasures in the sea."

[Jjs: I'll admit this is a somewhat clever twist, but again, the gang were unable to deduce this on their own, making it hard for anyone to really care.]

The Guards take him and his partner away into the Dungeon.

[Jjs: Probably for the best, I bet the Bikini Bottom Jail is getting too crowded anyways.]

[OMJ: Well, that's that!]

King Neptune has his crown back and he feels better.

[Jjs: I'm sure he'll feel even more better after visiting them in the sex dungeon.]

He says," Thank you friends and to wherever Patrick and Spongebob are!

[Jjs: Wherever indeed. Seriously though, I can't believe I neglected to mention them until now. I honestly forgot they were even locked in the room as well, but hey, at least we got some Sandy, Squidward and Gary focus.]

You caught the sea's most wanted outlaw!"

[MMM: Don't you mean "outlaws"?]

We then hear a loud scream noise from the palace.

[Jjs: Did Neptune visit them in the dungeon already? Maybe he's the real fast one.]

Triton says," Oh no, Spongebob and Patrick!"

[Jjs: Oh right, sure. Also, why the hell is Triton the one who cares about them more than the actual gang?]

[OMJ: Why does he even care about them at all? He was terrible to them in the actual show.]

They all run into the palace. Triton says," Where are you guys?!"

[Jjs: Scooby Doo, where are you!?]

[MMM: They're in the palace (or castle), of course.]

Spongebob and Patrick are being attacked by Mr. N in his mutated form.

[Jjs: Because why not.]

[OMJ: Just imagine going through your own house and coming across THAT.]

He throws blue slime at them in the room.

[MMM: Because Nickelodeon took all of the green slime.]

He laughs and says," Now you fools will see what happened to the original Mystery Inc!" He throws slime at the Stone arch. It pushes a dial to the year 2006.

[Jjs: Ah, 2006. Good times, much better than the ones in this spin-off.]

[OMJ: Stone dials? 2006? It's like I'm obsessing over Avatar all over again.]

He throws electric devices from his body onto the arch which charges it up. "It's a Time Machine!" yelled Mr. N.

[MMM: I kinda figured that out already.]

[Jjs: Undersea Mysteries Incorporated: Let's Do The Time Warp Again! Coming never to theaters.]

He disappears in a cloud of smoke. Spongebob and Patrick get sucked into the blue portal. The portal vanishes, but the arch is still charged.

[Jjs: I know this is supposed to be a cliffhanger, but that just feels so awkwardly written to the point where I could've thought that was an abrupt ending in the vein of 13. I will say this. This one was certainly a massive step up from the disasters that were 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16...

...BUT THAT'S NOT FUCKING SAYING MUCH! Okay, seriously, my bitching aside, this chapter...was still not good, but it was somewhat close to being barely passable, which is kind of a compliment in my book when it comes to this. Despite the usual pacing, clunky dialogue, characterization problems, and pointless fanservice, it felt like the mystery had more to it for a change and wasn't just going through the motions. The gang actually suspected someone and looked around for clues on their own instead of having Mr. N hold their hands. The story felt somewhat (key word) more focused for once, even though the note was ultimately pointless, and the Mr. N ending felt tacked on. Much like 11, if this one had more effort into it, it could've been okay at best. Unfortunately, the rest of it still fell flat in areas. The gang's unmasking of The Red Bandit(s) still didn't feel very earned when they were characters we never saw prior, and other parts felt clearly rushed. And once again, the tv.com format just didn't allow any of these mysteries to really play out or develop enough for people to care. ...Okay, so even when I tried to be "positive", I still end up listing many negatives, which says a lot. Still, for the final mystery of the spin-off, it wasn't horrible, even if not good. Alas, the rest of the spin-off becomes a confusing and boring mess, but hey, the mysteries were "fun" while they lasted. How did this continue without any mysteries despite the damn title being "Undersea MYSTERIES Incorporated"? Well, you'll start to see in the next few chapters I really had no clue how to move the "plot" forward, but I won't give everything away just yet, like an actual good mystery. ;) ]  

[MMM: This episode just seemed sort of rushed and uninteresting. There is worse, but this was nothing special to me. I'm out.]

[OMJ: And so, Mr. N has activated the long dormant plot device, and he has taken SpongeBob and Patrick along for the ride. What does the future hold for our nautical heroes? Will Squidward be able to master the Ultra Instinct in time to save his friends? Will Sandy FINALLY start acting like herself? How will we avoid answering these questions? Tune in next time, on Undersea Mysteries Z!]

 

Edited by jjsthekid
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Don't tell me I'm the only one who instantly thought of Broodwing from Mystic Guardians upon reading "Crook in the Castle"...and Red upon reading The Red Bandit...and Van Gordon upon reading Gorton...you get the idea. Maybe that's what the "3 costume" was for, to hide that he was the precursor for those three characters. As for the episode itself...at least it's better than the Spongebob episode it referenced, Clash of Triton. Yes, I went there. :hands:

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17 minutes ago, Metal Snake said:

Don't tell me I'm the only one who instantly thought of Broodwing from Mystic Guardians upon reading "Crook in the Castle"...and Red upon reading The Red Bandit...and Van Gordon upon reading Gorton...you get the idea. Maybe that's what the "3 costume" was for, to hide that he was the precursor for those three characters. As for the episode itself...at least it's better than the Spongebob episode it referenced, Clash of Triton. Yes, I went there. :hands:

oh wow, how come i never noticed this before lol I guess that could be reasons for jjs got an idea for MG :P

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Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

18. Back in Time

Spoiler

18. Back in Time:

[SOF: Did N go Aku on their asses?

"Long ago in a distant land, I, Mr. N, the shape shifting master of darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil. But a foolish sponge and starfish stepped forth to oppose me. Before the final blow was struck, I tore open a portal in time, and flung them into the past where my evil is law. Now the fools seek to return to the present and undo the future that is Mr. N."

Too bad I highly doubt this time travel plot line is going to be anywhere near as epic as that.]

[Jjs: Yup, I brought time travel into this spin-off. Let's just say that concept is a lot more interesting in theory than the actual execution though. To help me through these time travel shenanigans, I'm bringing back an old guest star who dealt with time travel herself: Betty!]

[Betty: I don't know what I'm getting myself into, and frankly, I'm a bit scared. However, I'm glad to make one last return nonetheless. I've missed a lot here since my last appearance 3 years ago, and I have a feeling it was better time wasted than whatever is going on in this work. I got magic powers, went insane, got teleported to Mars, all fun stuff. Now, let's get this show on the road!]

[JCM: I know a thing or two about writing time travel, and I seriously doubt this spin-off will get it right.]

We see SpongeBob and Patrick floating through the blue time portal.

[Betty: *scratches head* Who is this "we"?]

[Jjs: tumblr_man33rXQ1B1qbkrxzo1_500.gif ]

"Where are we?" said a curious Patrick.

[Jjs: A blue time portal.]

[JCM: You're dead and experiencing purgatory.]

[Betty: Don't you mean "asked a curious Patrick"?]

The tunnel grew lighter and lighter.

[SOF: MY EYES!]

[Jjs: DON'T GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT! ...Actually, do go towards it, so this spin-off can spare us nine more chapters of boredom.]

SpongeBob says," Patrick..I think we are going back in time!"

[JCM: Great guess! You win a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni!]

[SOF: At least SpongeBob is FINALLY able to deduce things on his own without a hint from Mr. N. Maybe there's still hope for them.]

[Jjs: Hopefully back in time to stop past jjs from writing this spin-off.

...If only. :( ] 

[Betty: Back in time to save Simon and stop the Mushroom War, hopefully.]

"Awesome!" said Patrick.

[SOF: Considering the rest of the spin-off's quality, I'm not expecting anything "awesome". I'd massively lower your expectations, Pat.]

"That isn't awesome!

[SOF: See, even SpongeBob is dreading this.]

How will we get back?!" said a panicked SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Find past Sandy or Plankton to invent a time machine.]

[JCM: Find whoever this year's version of Doc Brown is.]

[Betty: I would say find me, but I don't exactly want to see these buffoons.]

They then arrived back in the 2006 Bikini Bottom.

[Jjs: Wow, I can tell how different 2006 Bikini Bottom is from the normal Bikini Bottom we see everyday from that magnificent one sentence description. I enjoyed the year of 2006 as much as the next guy, but if the spin-off isn't even properly going to describe it, why should we care at all?]

[Betty: Also, what's up with the "arrived back in"? Shouldn't it just be "arrived in the 2006 Bikini Bottom"? Have they time traveled to 2006 before? Either past jjs didn't proofread or I'm very confused, and both of those are probably true.]

SpongeBob sees an younger version of himself walking along the sidewalk of Downtown.

[SOF: You know, just like that.]

[Jjs: I feel like SpongeBob seeing his past self should be a bigger deal than being nonchalantly mentioned in a line like that. Then again, having the two SpongeBobs actually interact would require effort, something the second half severely lacks. Then again again, I would've had to write a very confusing time paradox scenario, so...maybe it's for the best that didn't happen, since this spin-off is going to have a lot of confusing shit even without the time travel.]

[JCM: An younger? Is this written in some strange, bastardized form of British English?]

He laughs and walks up to a gang of 5 fish. He asks them for their autograph. A male fish named Thedore signs it. "Thank you Mystery Inc!" said the 2006 SpongeBob.

[Jjs: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Wait a minute. You mean to tell me that SpongeBob had an encounter with the original mystery team in 2006, AND got their autograph? That would be cool, except for one problem: Too bad that was NEVER MENTIONED AT ALL IN THE FIRST HALF OF THE SPIN-OFF. Seriously, I went back multiple times, and that was never once implied or mentioned. Just further proof I had no clue what I was doing from this point onward.]

[JCM: Maybe it was a completely different mystery team of fish with the exact same names as these ones.]

[SOF: To be fair, considering SpongeBob's intelligence level in this spin-off, I wouldn't be surprised if he legit forgot.]

SpongeBob and Patrick soon learned they were in January 2006,

[Betty: How did they learn that? Did they see some calendar just hanging around or what? Explain, story!]

[SOF: Maybe they put two and two together when they saw N change the dial to "2006". I'll be, maybe they are learning...]

the year when the original Mystery Inc was still around.

[Jjs: I'm not going to even bother asking how the original Mystery Inc were around in 2006, because the SpongeBob timeline itself is confusing as it is, so whatever. Honestly, I feel like this whole plot line would work much better if they went missing a very long time ago (like 10+ years or even decades more) like in SDMI. Once again, another thing I failed to properly copy and paste.]

We then cut back to the present (2010).

[Jjs: Wow, I definitely owe Past Steel an apology for criticizing his transitions in The Dark Side of the Herd, because that's laughably bad.]

[JCM: What did back to the present (2010) ever do to you?]

[SOF: Wait, so the time travel episode isn't even going to fully be about the time travel? Great.]

We see Triton heading up the palace.

[Betty: We see this, we see that... All I'm seeing is a lot of confusing writing.]

[Jjs: I forgot to nitpick this last chapter, but shouldn't it be a castle and not a palace?]

[SOF: I guess the budget is getting really bad.]

He says," Follow me!

[SOF: No.]

[Betty: Jeez, I really wish this spin-off would stop telling me what to do!]

I noticed a blue flash from my invention room.."

[Jjs: Wait, so that's your sex dungeon and not Neptune's? Silly me!]

[JCM: It's actually John F. Kennedy's sex dungeon. They just have it on loan.]

[SOF: How did you notice a blue flash? Unless there was a window or something, but there's nothing to indicate your invention room has windows, silly Triton.]

King Neptune says," No, did they...?"

[Jjs: Did they what? Is this supposed to be a suspenseful line? See, lines like this just don't flow well at all in the tv.com format.]

[SOF: Maybe he's worried SpongeBob and Patrick discovered the secret entrance to his sex dungeon in Triton's invention room.]

They busted open the door

[SOF: That poor door.]

[Betty: I see these odd creatures enjoy the murder of innocent doors. Was that really necessary?]

to the invention room and noticed the time arch turned on.

[Betty: So much past tense...ah ha, is it to fit how the sponge and starfish went back in time? I would say that's clever, but I highly doubt it was intentional knowing this story.]

Triton yelled," No, they went through time!"

[SOF: Jjs was right, why the hell does Triton care more about them than Squidward, Sandy and Gary?]

Sandy asks," You built a time machine?"

[Jjs: Which Sandy should be able to do by now, but go on.]

[JCM: I'd be a little concerned about the fact that my friends are in another time period, but sure, take this time to interview Triton on his brilliant inventions.]

[SOF: Sometimes I feel like Sandy isn't paying attention to anything going on, and I honestly don't blame her.]

"Yes, I built it to gain research on older times of the sea.

[SOF: Researching history at the risk of ruining the space-time continuum, nice.]

[Jjs: ...I know Triton did some science-y things and all in the show, but when the hell did he have the time to invent a TIME MACHINE? Even if you say "god powers" or whatever Neptune and him use, it still feels very forced. Like, why does this have to be Triton of all people? Why not Sandy or Plankton? The amount of shit that comes out of nowhere is another thing I hate about the second half...and this is only a tamer example.]

[Betty: Considering the odd contraption used to summon me, I have no room to criticize the time travel work of others, but this is just a strange motivation for wanting to time travel. Do they really need to time travel to study the history of the ocean, anyways? I feel I'm reading too much into this.]

I only had the dais set up until the years 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006 and 2005," said Triton.

[JCM: the heck are "dais"]

[Magic Grammar Police: Did you mean: dials]

[Jjs: Some "time machine" that is if it lets you go through only five years.]

[SOF: He needs to upgrade to premium.]

"What year did those idiots go to?" asked Squidward.

[Betty: Try looking at which dial is selected, mister octopus.]

"The 2006 stone is glowing, so 2006," replied Triton.

[SOF: Could've fooled me.]

[Jjs: Did you also know that when it rains, people get wet?]

"Wait..could they be trying to bring back the original Mystery Inc?" pondered Sandy.

[Jjs: That's a very out there assumption to make, but okay. For all you know, they didn't even know it was a time machine and just thought it was a vending machine like in Back to the Past.]

[JCM: It's crazy how many lucky guesses these guys are making. I need to have them pick my lotto numbers.]

[SOF: I still can't tell if Sandy is paying attention or not.]

"They better not or they will mess up the present!" said Squidward.

[Jjs: Oh boy, this spin-off's timeline has been a clusterfuck as it is, so I hope not.]

[Betty: Who knows, maybe they could make the spin-off better...okay, maybe not given their competence.] 

"I do want to know what happened to them though," said King Neptune.

[SOF: I do like adding pointless lines of dialogue.]

[Jjs: Why the hell do you suddenly care about them, asshole? Seriously, when did Neptune ever show any interest in the old Mystery Inc last chapter when, last I checked, he was only worried on getting his crown back to hide his baldness? Why does he want to know what happened to them all of a sudden? Why are they of any concern to him? This sloppy dialogue is really pissing me off.]

We see Mr. N outside the palace with his goons.

[JCM: *singing* N and his goons, just hanging around!]

[Jjs: I love how the Phantom Trinity are referred to as "goons". Just really shows how relevant they are in the grand scheme of things.]

"When do we attack so I can crush them?!" said an eager Aradois.

[Jjs: So I guess Aradois is supposed to be the "big, tough, strong villain". Maybe that would be funny if he had any other personality established.]

[SOF: I think I'd care a lot more about these three if they had any other personality or importance aside from "shady douches in hooded costumes".]

"Calm Aradois, we must plan this throughly," replied Mr. N.

[JCM: Who's ly and why do you want to plan it through him?]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: thoroughly]

[Jjs: For some reason, I doubt whatever you do will require much "throughly" planning. Also, why did he even appear at the castle in the previous chapter, attack the time machine, presumingly want SpongeBob and Patrick to go back in time, leave, and then come back with his goons? Someone sure loves going to confusingly contrived lengths to move the "plot" forward. I don't know about you guys, but something tells me whatever he's "planning" is not going to make any sense due to my own lack of planning. ;) ] 

[SOF: Thankfully I've been planning for his plan to not make sense. How about that.]

"What if that Sponge and Star bring the original Mystery Inc to the present?" asked Loki.

[Jjs: *starfish, but good question.]

[Betty: Then they get to avoid a horrible fate like I did. Hopefully they can replace these amateur mystery solvers.]

"I say we ambush them while they are back in time," said Sablado.

[Jjs: I say we tip something over!]

[JCM: I say we end this episode now before I lose more brain cells.]

[SOF: I say we give Sablado a better name and purpose other than to be Mr. N's bitch.]

"No, No, No.

[Phantom Trinity: Okay, okay, okay, we fucking get it.]

[SOF: AZ7cuGJ.jpg?1 ]

Let them come to us," said Mr. N.

[Jjs: ...Yeah, I definitely don't think his "plan" is going to make any sense, as a forewarning.]

[SOF: I'm prepared for pretty much anything about these four weirdos to not make any sense, considering how awkwardly written their scenes have been. Which reminds me. PLOT HOLE POLICE! Hate to steal jjs' spotlight in nitpicking this spin-off's mess of a "plot", but why did N say at the end of 15 "Good job, but now they are suspicious"? What was he worried about them being suspicious over if he wanted their attention this whole time? Figured I should bring this up since I get the feeling it contradicts a lot of things happening right now.]

"Nylax, this isn't like you.

[SOF: I know jjs' magic name generator can make some weird names, but...wat?]

[Jjs: ...Nylax? Is he related to Anthrax somehow? Because now I definitely know what to send him. :bruh: ]

[Betty: I know the people where I come from have many oddball names, but I can't wrap my head around this one...] 

Why did you turn into a mutant?

[Jjs: Good question.]

[SOF: To make himself seem more badass than he actually is.]

[JCM: Because mutants are all the rage now! And Fox totally didn't pay me to say that!]

Shouldn't we be telling them what our goal is now?"

[Jjs: Nah, because past me needs to still think of that.]

[SOF: Why do you even need to tell them your goal if they're your enemies (...I think???)? I feel like this is yet another line that may end up creating more plot holes later on.]

"Loki, I can change back into my fish form. As for our goal..we'll wait and see,"

[Jjs: Yup.]

[SOF: Mr. N doesn't even seem to be keeping these three in the know, so I question even further why he hired them.]

replied Nylax as he pressed the gem and turned normal.

[Jjs: What the hell was the point of this? This feels like a weirdly placed exposition conservation.]

[SOF: Maybe he realized how dumb the mutant form is.]

SpongeBob and Patrick are still shocked they are back in time.

[JCM: No scene transition back? If you're gonna use them you might as well be consistent with them.]

[Betty: It'd be more exciting if you two went into the future like I did.]

[Jjs: I'm personally more shocked at the lack of description about them going a whole four (!) years back in time.]

"Now what do we do Thedore?" asked Martha.

[Jjs: Get out of this spin-off while you still can. It's going to get super bad.]

[Betty: Good thing this is my last ever appearance when it comes to riffing these strange fanfictions.]

"Hey, those 2 fish are on the pendant! Thedore and Martha!" said SpongeBob.

[SOF: About time the unnecessary staring at the pendant paid off.]

He notices it is around Thedore's neck. "I remember their names! Thedore J. Fishon, Lindesy D. Janes, Martha E. Coral, Stu T. Maza and Sammy The Scallop," replied SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Thank you for repeating their full names to pad the chapter out. Also, still loling at "Stu T. Maza".]

[JCM: Sammy wasn't good enough to have a middle name.]

[SOF: I thought his middle name was "The".]

Patrick says," The scallop looks different. He doesn't have a scar on him unlike that sammy we saw a few weeks ago."

[Betty: This line sounds way too intellectual for what I'm used to by this character.]

[Jjs: I highly doubt chapter 10 was a "few weeks ago". This spin-off really has no sense of time for anything, but continue.]

[SOF: Didn't have the budget to capitalize Sammy?]

"Remember Patrick, we are back in time.

[SOF: Of course, it's not like that's the title of the chapter or anything.]

Of course they look different.

[Betty: I highly doubt a whole four (!) years makes them that much different, but what do I know?]

Just don't-" But it was too late. Patrick walked out of the hiding spot and went up to the gang.

[JCM: rip the space-time continuum]

[Jjs: Why does this even matter? From what I'm getting, the past Patrick isn't there, so it shouldn't matter if this Patrick talks to them unless he says something stupid, which I'd bet money on.]

[Betty: I concur, this is a very poor attempt at "suspense". If Patrick has never met them before, it shouldn't affect anything. Of course, unless he says something stupid, but even then, would they believe him?]

"Patrick, stop!" whispered SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Kind of hard to "whisper" to him when he's feet away from you.]

[SOF: Instead of whispering to him SpongeBob, you could get off your lazy ass and stop his dumb ass.]

"Hi, I'm Patrick Star from the futu-"

[Jjs: Alright, pay up.]

[SOF: *pays jjs in Canadian dollars*]

[Betty: I'd pay you if I had any form of money.]

[JCM: Hi, I'm JCM from the future and I'm an alcoholic.]

[Crowd: Hi, JCM from the future.]

He was tackled by SpongeBob and they hid in an alley.

[Jjs: Nobody batted an eye to that? WTF? Is that a normal everyday thing for the civilians of 2006 Bikini Bottom?]

[SOF: At least SpongeBob took my advice and got off his lazy ass.]

"Patrick, we could ruin the present if we talk to them!" said SpongeBob.

[Betty: Not necessarily. Unless you tell them how they mysteriously disappear for whatever reason (and even then, they might think you're nuts), I don't think having an average conversation with them will "ruin" the present. In fact, go ahead and talk to them right now. Maybe the present can be changed to fix some of the spin-off's problems.]

"Okay, that was random," said Stu.

[Jjs: More like wtf. Aren't you mystery solvers? I think the case of a starfish being attacked by a sponge is pretty pressing, if you ask me.]

[SOF: Just an average day in 2006 Bikini Bottom.]

[Betty: Maybe they're used to random people tackling each other in 2006 Bikini Bottom and don't consider it worth investigating.]

Sammy began to chirp and flew into the alley. "Go away!" yelled Patrick.

[SOF: Don't be rude Patrick, he's just trying to make sure you're okay after being tackled by a sponge.]

He chirped louder.

[Jjs: Can't Sammy talk?]

[JCM: Yeah, but he likes chirping better.]

[SOF: Maybe he couldn't learn English until being imprisoned in the zoo (which is still not explained...).]

SpongeBob and Patrick began to hear footsteps coming closer towards them.

[Jjs: DUN DUN DUN]

[Betty: I'm on the edge of my magic carpet.]

[SOF: It's probably just Tom wanting to buy chocolate from them.]

Nylax transformed back into his mutant form and flew into the palace.

[Jjs: That just made the above line of him transforming back to normal even more pointless and out of place.]

[SOF: I guess the spin-off wanted us to know he wasn't forever trapped in that hideous form. That's one bit of handholding I can appreciate. Also, so N's genius plan was just to wait around like a weirdo for a few minutes, and attack? "Throughly planning" my ass.]

He busted open the window

[Betty: So much unnecessary property damage...] 

with his Lobster Arm and attacked.

[SOF: That big meaty claw of doom.]

"Mr. N!" yelled Squidward.

[SOF: Hey Sandy, wanna react to this?]

"Who?" asked King Neptune

[Betty: I don't think you want to know.]

as he shot Trident blasts at him. "Call me Nylax now," he said.

[JCM: but i dont feel like it]

[Jjs: I refuse to call you that ridiculous name, asshole.]

[Betty: Agreed, I dislike how this spin-off keeps telling me what to do.]

[SOF: How about I keep calling you Mr. N, wise guy.]

"I sent SpongeBob and Patrick back in time! Now they will learn the truth," said Nylax.

[Jjs: Okay, but that still doesn't explain why you didn't just stay there the whole time. Was bringing your three goons along really necessary? Hell, why not just bring them from the very beginning? Would've spared you a trip back.]

[SOF: Maybe they begged him to come along.]

He laughs and The Phantom Trinity appear beside him from a cloud of smoke.

[Betty: *coughs*]

He throws a blue slime barrier at all of them, and they go splatting into the wall.

[SOF: You guys get some blue ice cream for trying.]

They try to escape. Nylax grabs Neptune's trident with his blue slime arm and laughs.

[SOF: I see Neptune doesn't hold his trident well enough. Someone needs to stop worrying about being bald and get a better grip.]

He says," Now, what shall I do.."

[Jjs: This sounds like a meta line on my thought process of what to do next in the story. Good thing we have this convenient cliffhanger next so I can keep stalling.]

[Betty: I enjoy meta works myself, but this annoys me more than it should knowing the lack of overall plan the author had.]

We then cut back to the past

[Jjs: Narrator used Cut. It was super effective on my sanity.]

[JCM: JCM used Decipher What The Hell Is Going On. It wasn't very effective...]

[SOF: Spin-off used cruse. It was super effective on my brain.]

[Betty: Betty used a magic spell. It wasn't very effective...]

and see the original Mystery Inc walk into the alley and say," Who are you?"

[Jjs: This chapter was honestly a waste of time (haha). If you're going to have time travel in a mystery spin-off, you should make it a hell of a lot more interesting than what we got here. I'm not even sure if "Back in Time" is a fitting title, since half the chapter was Mr. N bothering the gang at the castle/palace for confusing reasons (which could've been cut altogether and saved for the next one), and the other half was SpongeBob and Patrick being dumb. It feels like this was supposed to be "big" or something, but the lack of planning and effort makes it fall flat on its face. Even the "cliffhanger" just didn't feel very interesting. I get this is continued in the next one, but it's lacking substance and content in many ways. Many multi-parters of other works are able to make each individual part be good on its own, but this was not. This chapter felt like bad improv. Honestly, I think "bad improv" is one of the best ways to describe the second half of the spin-off. Clearly winged on the fly without proper planning, didn't have more than a few minutes of thought behind each line, and forms a sloppy story as a result.]

[Betty: I don't know what the heck I just read, and I don't want to know. This was an absolute mess at trying to attempt time travel. I don't think I need to read any more of these strange stories, lest I lose some more brain cells. It was fine visiting you strangers again, but I bid farewell. *gets teleported to Mars*]

[JCM: It's a shame I missed the mystery portion of this spin-off, because it can't be much worse than this spin-off's attempt at a time travel story, which is mostly just a bland rehash of tropes used in every time travel story since The Sound of Thunder. I'm hoping it'll make more of an attempt to do something unique with the concept in the coming chapters, but it doesn't seem likely based on what I've read up until now. The good news is there won't be much more of this. The bad news? There's more of this.]

[SOF: I don't even know what to say. I'm bored, confused, and tired all at once. I'd just cap this one off by officially introducing the: STALLING POLICE!]

 

Edited by jjsthekid
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A plot about a time machine that only goes back four years in the past would work well for a parody, but sadly, that's not what this was going for. What the hell's the point of adding a time travel element to the story if you're only going to go back four years?! XD You may as well just make it a prequel story...unless you just really want to give the finger to Marvel. Also, JCM returning was awesome. :wub:

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Undersea Mysteries Incorporated

19. The Mysterious Secret

Spoiler

19. The Mysterious Secret: 

[OMJ: Just because you put "Mysterious" in the title, it doesn't make this anymore of a mystery-themed spinoff than it already isn't.]

[Jjs: Are you riffers ready for your super...special...secret...assignment!? And I do mean it when I ask if you're ready, because...yikes. This one is gonna be rough.]

[Hayden: As a member of the Elite Penguin Force, I think I am.]

Plot : The gang is held captive at Neptune's palace.

[OMJ: Time to put that much hyped about sex dungeon to work.]

Squidward yells," Why are you doing this?! I thought you were helping us!" 

[Jjs: When exactly did you stop trusting him, Squidward? I personally would've stopped trusting him after he sent his henchmen to attack you and Patrick (don't think I've forgotten that).]

[Hayden: Yeah, maybe this would've seemed like more of a crushing blow if our heroes actually were attached to N. They were never that grateful or responsive to his contributions. For good reason now, but if you want a betrayal to be a betrayal you have to have the characters trust/admire N first.]

Nylax laughs and says," Fools, you trusted me this whole time? 

[Jjs: Somehow, yes, yes they did.]

[Hayden: They tolerated you because you did their homework for them.]

[OMJ: Even after all the recent shit and becoming the Frankenstein's monster of fuck all to hurt them, they were still under the assumption he was helping them? "Fools" is too loose a term I would use.]

Ha! The original Mystery Inc had more brain than that!" 

[Jjs: Okay, I actually lol'd. At least even Mr. N knows how dumb they are.]

[Hayden: N is for Nostalgia of a better and more challenging gang.]

[OMJ: Yeah, the original Mystery Inc had enough smarts between all of them to make up at least ONE brain. A lot more than I can say for this lot.]

Gary, Squidward and Sandy seemed shocked, and can't believe this. 

[Jjs: Are they shocked at him calling them dumb or are they still somehow in disbelief at his betrayal after mutating himself?]

[Hayden: Don't group in Gary with those nimrods. Gary should've found a way to escape Nylax by now, probably by crawling over to some convenient escape hatch.]

"Are you really Mr. N?" replied Sandy. 

[Jjs: *facepalm* No, he's really Mr. Z.]

"No, no, call me Nylax.

[OMJ: Mr. N is his father, obvi.]

I am the real deal," replied Nylax. 

[Hayden: gTTRgbG.jpg ]

[OMJ: And your threat level lowers exponentially.]

[Jjs: I can't take this name seriously at all, so I'm just still going to call him Mr. N in my riffs.]

Just then, the sky shatters!

[Jjs: Wha-?]

[Hayden: You've been watching too much Chicken Little.]

An odd stone like castle appears from the sky.

[Jjs: Just an ordinary day in 2010 Bikini Bottom.]

[Hayden: Ripping off N's castle from Pokemon Black and White. Pokemon/Scooby Doo/Spongebob crossover.]

"W-What is the meaning of this!?" replied Neptune. 

[OMJ: You have god powers, USE THEM- oh wait, you're god of the sea, not the sky.]

[Jjs: Don't give yourself a stroke partner, there's no meaning to anything in this spin-off.]

Nylax says," He is here..." "Who's here?" asked Triton. 

[Jjs: Well an "odd stone like castle" could belong to a multitude of people. So I'll just assume it's King Dedede's.]

[Hayden: I need a monster to clobber dat dere Gary.]

"Hmm, fine. I'll explain to you what our intentions are," replied Nylax. 

[OMJ: He only asked who's coming, he wasn't exactly pressing for your full intentions.]

[Jjs: NOW you want to explain your intentions? You know, not back in the cave where it would've made more sense, but when a mysterious castle appears in the sky, that's what makes you want to stop attacking them (which has yet to be explained btw) and give us exposition? Yeah, you can tell I was clearly making this up as I went along, and not in the good way. Bad improv indeed.]

[Hayden: Maybe he really is just a monster King Dedede paid for.]

Sablado says," Sir.."

[Sablado:

]

"No Sablado, I know what I am doing," replied Nylax.

[Jjs: For some reason, I strongly doubt that.]

[OMJ: Remember that when your plan is thwarted.]

Patrick and SpongeBob are in the past. 

[Jjs: Back to the past, where I expect nothing to happen. This plot line is eerily reminding me of the dragged out Dark Ones on the island in SBCPU S2 and the vampires in BT S2 "planning" to take down Astenias "plots", which both amounted to nothing.]

The original Mystery Inc asks them who they are. Patrick replies," I'm Patrick Star!" SpongeBob groans and they both run out of the alley. 

[Jjs: How rude, SpongeBob.]

[Hayden: Nice to meet you. Mr. Groan.]

The gang chases them.

[OMJ: Not the classic Scooby chase I was looking for, but I'll take it since they seem so scarce here in this "Scooby-inspired" spinoff.]

[Jjs: Cue the Yakety Sax.]

[Hayden: 

]

Thedore yells," Get back here!" Stu says," Maybe they are Mr. N's agents?" 

[Jjs: You mean the Phantom Trinity, or did he have more henchmen we're not going to ever see?]

[Stu: Maybe that mailbox is one of Mr. N's agents too.

akJmfti.gif ]

"Possibly," replied Martha.

[OMJ: Or maybe they were just trying to sell you something, ever thought that? The crazy conclusions you people immediately come to.]

[Jjs: Yeah, SpongeBob and Patrick are totally mysterious guy henchmen material. SpongeBob in particular is pretty threatening with how diabolically his past self asked you guys for an autograph.]

"Let's corner them!" yelled Lindsey. 

[Jjs: ...Why, exactly? Neither SpongeBob nor Patrick did anything antagonistic towards them to deserve this... Some "mystery solvers" these guys are. Poor decision making is something this group passed down to their successors.]

[Hayden: tumblr_mxftkvgHHP1qbf4bno2_r2_400.gif ]

SpongeBob and Patrick run through the streets and dodge boats that nearly run over them. 

[Jjs: If only...]

[OMJ: Damn near causing a pile-up won't alter the timeline at all. They could at least be impeding people from getting to work on time or something and next thing you know, giant baboon lizards are roaming the earth!]

We jump back to the present. 

[Jjs: Was that past segment supposed to be a commercial break while I thought of Mr. N's exposition? Seriously, these transitions are pissing me off.]

[Hayden: 

]

Nylax explains," You see children...

[Jjs: I'm just gonna assume "children" is his catchphrase at this point.]

[Hayden: Kinder is a much more ominous way to say children.]

we are part of a secret organization-" 

[Jjs: Organization XIII?! OMJ called it!]

[OMJ: I'd say pick up that phone, but I don't think that's a call I should be proud of.]

"It's not secret anymore," smirked Sablado.

[OMJ: No shit, Sherblalock.]

[Jjs: Someone sure has his snide smirks down.]

[Hayden: TakxuhH.gif?1 ]

"As I was saying...we are a group that was meant to stop a purpose. 

[Jjs: What? "Purpose" makes no sense knowing what he's about to say below. "Event" would make more sense, or you know, "catastrophe".]

[OMJ: So your purpose is to stop another's purpose? No wonder you turned to villainy, I'd be driven mad from such a redundant existence too.]

The fight between the Light God and Dark God!" exclaimed Nylax. 

[Hayden: Reshiram and Zekrom.]

[Jjs: Yeah, again, how does a fight between two gods = a purpose?]

"Who?" questioned Sandy and Squidward.

[OMJ: My head canon wants to say Skodwarde and Skolliam.] 

[Jjs: Hoo goes the owl.]

Neptune says," Two Undersea gods that fought many years ago. 

[Jjs: Wait, so Mr. N isn't even the one who is going to give us the exposition? Wonderful.]

[Hayden: Neptune's sick of Nylax taking so long to tell it.]

However, the secret group was called Vlazias. 

[OMJ: the jjs name generator never fails.]

[Jjs: Okay, STOP. See, lines like this just don't flow well at all. First Neptune tells about two undersea gods...and then interrupts his own story to randomly tell us the secret group's name, which he could've said from the start or later. It feels out of place, showing how sloppy and unpolished this chapter is. And I'm not even going to try to ask how I thought my past self pronounced "Vlazias".]

They were commanded to stop the fighting between the two by a rebel fish.

[OMJ: Help me, Goby-wan Kenobi, you're my only hope. Yeah, that's all I got.]

He assembled them and was sick of the fighting. They then used my trident to banish the two.

[OMJ: So you DO have the power to just stop this!]

[Hayden: The fact that Neptune hasn't even tried to fight Nylax shows how buffoonish he is.]

The Light God was sent to a floating castle in the sky that nobody can see. 

[Jjs: Well we can see it, apparently.]

The Dark God was sent underground into the Bikini Bottom Caverns, hidden in a tomb. 

[OMJ: So the Dark God is reduced to the dirt and people CAN see? What makes the Light God so special? Is it because he's white?!]

[Jjs: ...Okay, this is kind of weird, because Nibiru in SDMI, another ancient evil, was imprisoned underground in a tomb. And this was written long, long before SDMI S2 premiered. I guess I can give myself some credit for accidentally predicting something, even though it doesn't make any sense.]

[Hayden: Now we just need to figure out what your floating castle predicted.]

However, the Light god's castle is visible now and I have a bad feeling for the Dark God.." 

[Jjs: Who the hell talks like this? Are we SURE this isn't a bad 4Kids dub? Also, even if I'm going to take any of this seriously, "The Light God" and "The Dark God" are such uncreative and lame names for two supposedly powerful gods. Those are the best names they could get? My budget must've been really bad. If you're going to have two powerful gods in a SpongeBob spin-off that parodies Scooby-Doo, at least give them badass names. The supernatural elements continue to be letdowns.]

[Hayden: It's not always black and white...

]

Nylax laughs and yells," I was that rebel!" 

[Jjs: ...What. Are you...fucking kidding me? Stop. You mean to tell me Mr. N's true purpose in this spin-off was that he was a member in some secret society who fought two ancient undersea gods a long time ago? And now SpongeBob's gang is getting thrown into this nonsense? I'm just going to say it: This is the worst plot twist of the entire spin-off. Holy fucking shit. Are we riffing Down Under again? Because this feels like something right out of it with how out of nowhere and confusing this is. Not only was this not foreshadowed at all in the past eighteen chapters, but it makes everything about the spin-off make even less sense in hindsight. This entire backstory makes ZERO sense. This casually dropped backstory, little do some of you know, pretty much contradicts EVERYTHING about the entire spin-off up until this point, so this is kind of a big problem. Get ready, because I have a shit ton of nitpicks with this. Yup, it's time for another streak of Plot Hole Police calls, and this one legit requires more than my streak from ATTWL 3 chapter 10. That should tell you how awful this backstory is. OH BOY.

PLOT HOLE POLICE (1): Here's the biggest one of them all: Why did Mr. N even need either Mystery Inc gang's help to defeat these gods? He had no problem vanquishing both gods with just the trident according to Neptune's backstory, so...why did he need either gang's help? This is also never answered by the way, so I'm going to be a massive asshole with this point for the rest of the spin-off. It's pretty much the biggest problem with this whole backstory, and ruins anything else that's going to happen. There's literally no reason for our protagonists to be involved with anything happening from here on out. It's not even stated that these gods are world endangering threats, and if only one guy can apparently defeat them with just a trident...why should we care at all?

PLOT HOLE POLICE (2): Bouncing off of that, why the fuck did he even give the gang clues for the first half of the spin-off? Literally most of them (with the exception of one) had nothing to do with the fate of the old Mystery Inc if he wanted the gang to find them, or even relate to this God nonsense. The fact I had to make up my own story for the second half due to no SDMI material is really showing, but I could've at least cleverly tied them into the new story with more thinking. Instead, nope. 

PLOT HOLE POLICE (3): So if Mr. N's """plan""" this whole time was to get SpongeBob and gang on his side (I think???)...why did he trick them into giving him the damn amulet? How does this amulet help him defeat the gods if he can apparently do it with just a trident? What is the purpose of this amulet at all now other than to make himself more "badass", which again, why does he need to do that if he could do it with a trident in the past?

PLOT HOLE POLICE (4): Also, if he truly is on their side, once again, why did he send his henchmen to attack them? In fact, Sablado and Aradois sure wanted to attack SpongeBob and Patrick (even though Mr. N apparently wanted them to go back in time...) in the previous chapter. Either Mr. N doesn't keep his group in the know, or this whole plot was terribly thought through, and we all know that can't be true...right?

PLOT HOLE POLICE (5): Also, if Mr. N wanted them on his side this whole time...why was he attacking them at the castle to begin with? Before you say "well maybe he's testing them", that's not implied at all in the remaining chapters. This is made even more of glaring with his "Fools, you trusted me this whole time?" earlier in the chapter, which implies he definitely didn't want them on his side at first. So either someone has hidden intentions or I had no clue what I was writing with Mr. N's motives.

PLOT HOLE POLICE (6): Why did he send SpongeBob and Patrick back in time? Even if the Gods are involved in the old gang's disappearance (spoiler: they are), why did he want them to see this? Why couldn't he just, oh, I don't fucking know, TELL THEM FROM THE START!?

PLOT HOLE POLICE (7): Now this whole backstory just makes the Phantom Trinity's purpose in the spin-off even more pointless and confusing. Why did Sablado make Ginger drop the book revealing the old gang in 6? This ties back to my first point, because again, why did Mr. N need either mystery gang to do this job if he did it with no damn problem before? Also, while I'm at it, why were Sablado and Loki investigating the tunnels in 11? It clearly had no purpose to anything happening right now and was only there for me to reveal Loki, which just clearly shows I had no clue what I was doing with the overall story.

PLOT HOLE POLICE (8): How was Eelsburg a "first piece of the secret" (which, I guess in this case, is your "plan") in 2? Eelsburg has literally nothing to do with this God plot. Even though that was just me copying SDMI dialogue (and technically it was "first piece of the PUZZLE" but I digress), it's not an excuse because it's just left up in the air. This is why if you're going to copy and paste something from a show, you should stop to think if the dialogue you paste will actually relate later on, ESPECIALLY when you make an entire new story from scratch due to no material. This is something I could easily ignore, yes, but it's still there and in the "final product" (I use that term very loosely however...you'll see what I mean by that in 20).

PLOT HOLE POLICE (9): Okay, I'm probably nitpicking with this one, but is stopping two gods from beating the shit out of each other all the secret society does? What do they do in the intervening years? ...Other than bothering mystery solvers, apparently. Because if I was in a secret society, and all we did was just wait for decades to stop two supernatural beings from fighting each other, and then do nothing after, that's a pretty damn lame job. If you're going to have a secret society, at least have them be interesting. Also, while I'm at it, are Mr. N and his lackeys the only members of this group? I think I'll just stop asking questions now, not just because I didn't think any of these through, but the ghost of Astenias might be watching.

*mic drop*]

He shows Neptune's trident and grins.

[Jjs: Hopefully not a creepy Joker wide grin. Bikini Top callbacks are the last thing we need in this mess of a backstory.]

[Hayden: Probably should've kept safer track of that, Neptune.]

"I will make them vanish again!"

[Mr. N: For my next trick, I'll make two gods...disappear!]

[OMJ: Hold it! If he wants to "make them vanish AGAIN" then what exactly invoked these gods to show themselves again in the first place? Or did he do it just to be even more redundant than he already is.]

"But wait! What do we have to do with all of this?" asked Squidward. 

[Jjs: THANK YOU SQUIDWARD. WHY DOES MR. N NEED THEIR HELP AT ALL!?]

[Hayden: Probably some prophecy mumbo jumbo.]

Nylax is about to explain to them, but just then, we see the ground shake!

[OMJ: Even the story thinks this guy talks too much.]

[Jjs: Uh oh, Squidward asked a legitimate question, but past me had to stall on that response with a ground shake.]

"The Dark God is rising!" yelled Aradois.

[Jjs: I can tell how threatening the rising is with all of that detail.]

[OMJ: Can't be much worse than SBC Rising amirite?]

We see SpongeBob and Patrick done for. 

[Jjs: Jeez, that's a dark way to go about it. Are the old Mystery Inc trying to kill them? What a bunch of assholes. Now I don't feel bad they disappeared.]

[OMJ: Jeez, did the original Mystery Inc string them up on meathooks and are about cannibalize them or something, that sounded more dire than it probably should be.]

[Hayden: Jeez, I wish I was done for....the day on these riffs.]

Thedore says," I don't know who you two are, and I know that yellow guy just asked me for his autograph.."

[Jjs: So you do know who he is.]

[OMJ:

]

"Okay, we have a confession to make!" yelled SpongeBob. "We are time travelers!" he exclaimed. 

[Jjs: Nice job, Bob.]

[OMJ: Well I know who not to come with if I want to live.]

"Wait, what?" wondered Thedore.

[OMJ:

]

"Don't listen to those weirdos!" yelled Lindsey. 

[Jjs: Good idea. We don't need more confusing shit in this horrible chapter.]

[Hayden: Hey! Weirdos have insightful things to say too.]

Patrick then says," I have bad news for you.

[OMJ:

]

You will all vanish someday." 

[Jjs: well okay]

[Hayden: List of creepy things to not tell your captors.]

Sammy the Scallop chirps sadly.

[Jjs: Again, why can't he talk?]

"Stop making our clam upset!" yelled Stu. 

[OMJ: That's the absolute last thing we need. Wouldn't want another Clamu on our hands.]

[Hayden: Maybe your clam is just overly sensitive to hollow threats made by pink weirdos.]

[Jjs: Note to self. Never say you are a time traveler to a clam/scallop, because apparently that's the worst possible thing you can say to one.]

Mr. N (Nylax) calls them and says," Meet me at the caverns."

[OMJ: ...What the fuck? I'll just go ahead and rip the blatant hand holding there (tho I can't really blame em, cuz hell if I can keep up with all these weird ass names for characters who are mostly much too bland to be named something so goddamn weird). I don't know how to even begin riffing what's left of what's wrong here. I'll trust that the homie jjs has that covered.]

[Jjs: Gladly, OMJ. WHAT THE FUCK?! The old gang was literally just told they might disappear forever, but they just shrug it off for a phone call!? Yeah, you can definitely tell I was rushing by this point. One of the worst transitions yet. Although, to be fair, with how idiotic SpongeBob and Patrick are, I don't blame the old gang if they really don't believe them at all.]

The gang does so,

[Hayden: So they chase down "N's agents" through busy traffic, just to leave them and go unprotected to see N at his beck and call?]

and SpongeBob and Patrick stalk them. 

[Jjs: Just destroy the timeline further, why don't ya. This spin-off has already shot logic in the foot anyways.]

[Hayden: Wow, Lindsey was right. 

latest?cb=20121220002609 ]

[OMJ: I hope it's important enough to warrant them leaving these two weirdos and known threats to the 2006 Bikini Bottom population (judging from them carelessly running into traffic and causing Neptune knows how many accidents) unattended.]

They go underground through the manhole, like in the present. 

[Jjs: I mean, how else would they go into the caves?]

They are at the cave. 

[Jjs: Good.]

SpongeBob and Patrick hide behind tons of stone rocks. 

[Jjs: Just like that.]

"I think those two fish are following us," said Martha. "Whatever. Just ignore them, if they are," said Thedore. 

[OMJ: Can I just ignore the rest of this chapter then.]

[Jjs: "If they are"? What the hell else would be they doing in these creepy caves? But good idea, I'd ignore 'em too.]

[Hayden: So when they are just minding their business in a crowded area, they are threats you have to corner, but when they follow you all the way to your secret meeting, it's all chill?]

They then see Nylax who says," Hello children,

[Jjs: If I had a dollar for every time he said this, I'd be rich.]

it is I, Mr. N AKA Nylax."

[OMJ: Yes, tell them your pseudonym and followed by the real name that the pseudonym is supposed to cover right after.

]

[Hayden: Hmmm, it's almost like hand holding for the readers. Have to use both his names or we won't know who it is.]

[Jjs: Stop constantly reminding us on Mr. N's real name already dammit. Much like Down Under, this spin-off seems to want to remind us on redundant things instead of things that actually need it, like this whole plot line.]

Thedore says," Hello sir, you didn't look like I expected."

[OMJ: Yeah, he's not a brooding Pokemon character.]

[Hayden: What is with Spongebob and Thedore's bizarre expectations? I don't hear one letter of someone's name and assume their physical appearance.]

[Jjs: So Mr. N is having his own meeting with them too, but it appears this one is a lot more friendlier, which just makes his hostile approach in 16 even more confusing.]

Nylax shows them to the tomb where The Dark Lord is settled. 

[OMJ: Did the Dark God suddenly get a demotion to Dark Lord between takes or somethin? Is it because he's black?!]

SpongeBob says," What is that?"

[Jjs: A tomb where The Dark Lord is settled, as ridiculous as that sounds.]

Thedore says," What if it kills us?"

[Jjs: Hey, at least you'd be out of this spin-off.]

[Hayden: Then Patrick's warnings act obnoxiously quick.]

"Don't worry, I'll protect you," replied Nylax.

[Jjs: Your definition of "protect" probably means to use them as bait.]

[Hayden: Not asking them to come down and poke around it sounds like the best way to avoid harming them.]

Nylax has a trident

[Jjs: Wait a minute...PLOT HOLE POLICE (10)! Where and how did he get a trident from in 2006? Did he ask Neptune to borrow his? Because if so, that just makes Neptune very stupid if he couldn't remember someone he met four years ago. And once again, how did Mr. N fail to slay The Dark God (or Lord?) that time if he could defeat him with the trident before? While 20 continues this pointless time travel plot, it's not explained there either why Mr. N suddenly can't slay them all of a sudden. Either Mr. N isn't as tough as he makes himself out to be, or this backstory makes no sense due to poor planning, and it's pretty obvious which one it is. I legitimately cannot believe this required TEN plot hole calls. You know this chapter fucked up mighty bad if it required more than the mess of a backstory for ATTWL 3 70s and CDCB. That's a sentence I never thought I'd say. Wow, just wow. Everything about this entire backstory makes no sense. I make no sense. Damn you chapter 19, you vile fiend. Anyways, continue with this mess of a chapter.]

and opens up the hatch of Dark Lord's tomb. They walk in it. SpongeBob and Patrick follow along.

[Jjs: DUN DUN DUN]

[Martha: I think those two fish are still following us.]

[Thedore: Whatever. Just ignore it, we have to go missing somehow.]

We cut back to the present. 

[Jjs: You can cut it out with these transitions.]

The ground is shaking. It stops. 

[Jjs: That tension. Such wow.]

The floating castle has vanished again. "Okay, good, it was just a warning," said Nylax. 

[Jjs: What kind of warning? That I need to move the plot along since I only have seven chapters left after this?]

[Hayden: Maybe the Light God and Dark God had other things on their schedule.]

[OMJ: Must be a metaphor for that smidge of suspense that you actually built up and then lost just now.]

Loki says," But they are still coming." 

[Jjs: Then do something? Make a plan (even though it's not properly explained why either of these gods are "threats" but I digress) instead of boring us with mind boggling exposition.]

[Hayden: Well that's polite of them to reschedule but they should probably collaborate with you guys to pick a time/chapter that works best.]

Gary starts to chew on the blue slime and eventually eats it all up. They have escaped. 

[Jjs: Wait, so Gary, Squidward and Sandy were still trapped in the blue slime during the exposition? The fact they waited that whole time to free themselves is either really sad or really funny, I can't tell.]

[Hayden: JCM, that's gross. You don't know where that blue slime's been.]

Neptune says," I remember now...you were the one who stopped them! 

[Jjs: Of course, now you remember for plot's sake.]

[Hayden: Thereby erasing all his evil actions in the past day from our memory.]

But why come in like this?" 

[Jjs: Good question, that won't be answered in any sort of satisfying way, I'm afraid.]

[OMJ: Yeah, you could've just made a phone call to notify him of plans ahead of time and he would've had the guest sex dungeon made ready for your arrival.]

Nylax says," I have to do risque things."

[Jjs: ...I'm scared. Lulzy typo aside, that doesn't explain any of the plot holes I addressed, asshole.]

[OMJ: Woah dude, I was just kidding about the sex dungeon. Dafuq :Laugh: ]

[Hayden: Yeah, he needed to make sure the rating was PG-13 to drum up interest in the adventure.]

He pressed his purple gem and turned normal. 

[Jjs: Wait, so he was still in his monster form during the exposition? Makes it even harder for me to assume he has good intentions.]

[Hayden: If you had seen Steven Universe back then, you could've had N fuse with someone named ylax to form Nylax.]

"And besides, I wanted you all here," said Nylax.

[Jjs: Which you could've done without being an asshole.]

[Hayden: I seem to recall you knowing how to get people together in your normal form. Which is how they went to give you gem in first place....]

"I'm not sure if we should trust him," Sandy whispered to Squidward. 

[Jjs: FINALLY, SANDY HAS A BRAIN!]

[OMJ: This guy's motives and intent is about as all over the place as your sense of trust, so go ahead.]

[Hayden: I say shoot him and fix the God problem another day.]

"You must all prepare," said Nylax. 

[Jjs: For what? Again, why can't you just kill them yourself if you have the trident and macdaddy monster form?]

Squidward says," Can't there be something in Bikini Bottom that isn't evil?" 

[Jjs: EEEVVIIILL!]

[Hayden: tumblr_m4loarGOQ41qii6tmo1_500.gif ]

"So, I'll assume the kids vanished when they discovered the tomb of the Dark Lord," said Sandy.

[Jjs: Okay, that at least makes sense, BUT it still doesn't fix why Mr. N even needed either mystery gang's help for this overcomplicated "plan"...]

Nylax sighs and says," Yes, they did. Your friends are probably witnessing that now." Sandy gasps.

[OMJ: Farewell suspense, I never knew ye. Boy, jjs wasn't kidding when explaining to me just how whacked out this chapter was in the pm. Oh boy, roughest riff so far.]

[Hayden: Love how you just guess that's what they are doing in the past. Could've directed them on a mission to go save that gang and stop it from happening but lolnope, just hope they don't go missing along with the people you know don't survive. Nylax is just too thoughtful and caring. Friend to all, not foe.]

[Jjs: I'm gasping too...at how horrible this chapter was. Wow. I can't believe I legitimately wrote this. This is the real chapter I made six years ago, this is not some sick joke of mine. This was a confusing mess that creates so much confusion and plot holes from here on out. Just because of what this chapter represents for the rest of the spin-off is why I hate it so much, and even when I look at it for what it is, it's just not an interesting work in the slightest. A rather annoyingly casually dropped backstory does not equal compelling content, especially when it's one that makes no sense. When compared to the first half, it really feels like we start to riff an entirely different spin-off from this point onward. I mean, there's no way in hell this spin-off can get any worse, right? There's no way my past self could've topped the horrible and confusing plot twist of Mr. N turning out to be a secret society leader who is fighting against two mysterious gods? Sadly...it can get worse than that horrible plot twist, if you can believe it. Somehow, I wrote something even dumber than that. Oh god (heh).]

 

20. The Great Plan to find the Lords

Spoiler

[Jjs: Good news and bad news, gang. The good news is, the last seven chapters of this spin-off no longer use the tv.com format, which in theory should've helped (but...well...). The bad news is, it's pretty much too little, too late by this point in the run to really matter, and it's coming right after the worst plot twist of the entire spin-off. This last stretch of chapters contain probably some of the worst things I've ever written in SBC history. Even without the tv.com format, they still somehow managed to feel rushed and lazy beyond comprehension. Uh oh.]

[SOF: Well hey, if I can be even more scared than I was at the end of chapter 16, at least that'd be impressive...in a sad, strange way.]

20. The Great Plan to find the Lords:

[SOF: This sounds like a title straight out of ATTWL 3. I'm scared. Good start already.]

[Jjs: Okay, I know I'm nitpicking, but THAT TITLE. I don't know why, but this title pisses me off a lot more than it should.

1.) "The Great Plan to find the Lords" Just read that and try to take it seriously. I know I can't. It feels like a parody title or something from a very low effort fanfiction, which I guess makes sense given how poor quality the spin-off is.

2.) Let me just say that the gang's "plan" is not "great", and spoiler, they don't even end up "finding" the Lords thanks to this "great plan". So this clunky title is also incredibly misleading.

3.) Not only is this title clunky and misleading, but it's also very lowkey pompous. If you need to say the characters have a "great plan" in the title, I think it's safe to say it's probably not going to be "great" at all (spoiler: it isn't).

4.) Also, "Lords" and not Gods, despite being named those for half of 19? Did The Light God and The Dark God really both change their names to the "Lords" after all? I guess that's fitting given how the monsters of the week couldn't stick to a singular name, but for two almighty beings that are important to the rest of the spin-off, they really should stick to one or the other. 

We haven't even actually started yet and the title is what's pissing me off of all things. Oh boy, you know this is going to suck balls when the title is bad.]

The gang planned on what to do.

[SOF: We got some stalling planning to do now.]

[Jjs: At least they're probably planning more right now than I ever did when it came to this spin-off.]

"Well, I know how to get to the floating castle," said Nylax.

[Jjs: Then get us there, asshole. End this spin-off already.]

[SOF: Ooh, italics make me sound so badass!]

"How?" asked Squidward.

"I can only do it when a "bridge" appears," said Nylax.

[Jjs: Thanks for being specific, Mr. Cryptic.]

[SOF: Why the quotation marks around "bridge"? Does he not know what a magical thing called a bridge is?]

"What bridge?" Squidward then asked.

[Jjs: The Grumpy Old Troll's bridge, obviously.]

"Um..okay, I forgot!" said Nylax. "It's been so long.."

[Jjs: ...Are we really supposed to believe he forgot how to get to one of the lords he defeated? Of course not, because it's just me unsure how to move the "plot" along.]

[SOF: Maybe there's actually a bridge called "Um..okay, I forgot!".]

"How old ARE you?" asked Sandy.

[Jjs: Wh-what does this have to do with anything!? Also, maybe it's JUST me, but EMPHASIZING random WORDS really isn't HELPING this spin-off seem SUBTLE.]

[SOF: I don't KNOW, jjs. RANDOMLY asking the AGE of someone DESPITE the MAIN focus being about a BRIDGE is pretty IMPORTANT enough to BE in CAPS, if you ASK me.]

"34," said Nylax.

[SOF: Not 24? Missed the perfect opportunity for an actual clever episode reference.]

"Dang, you seem young," said Triton.

[Jjs: Note to self. 34 is apparently "young" according to this spin-off.]

[SOF: Also, how old was he when he first defeated the Gods/Lords if he's only 34 years old and can't even remember the name of a bridge? Does this secret society hire young?]

"Yes, yes. But I have an idea!

[Jjs: So in other words, you vaguely describing "plot points" because past me had no real clue what I was writing.]

[SOF: I would use the "Mr. Krabs, I have an idea!" gag, but that's implying Krabs still exists in this spin-off. So I'll just say I hope your idea is the hyped "great plan", or else the title is even more misleading than it already is.]

I say we split into groups.

[Jjs: WOW! What an amazing idea literally ANYBODY ELSE could've thought of!]

[SOF: Are they going to split up and investigate a hotel in Las Vegas?]

One group can explore the caverns for the Dark Lord's chamber

[Jjs: So I guess they really are Lords now instead of Gods. Talk about a cruelly fast demotion, they were only Gods for half of one chapter. :( ]

and another group can research this unknown bridge," said Nylax.

[Jjs: Wait, so he doesn't even know what bridge takes them to the floating castle? Mr. Know-It-All should do his research before bragging and trolling the readers into thinking there will actually be plot advancement.]

[SOF: Maybe Unknown Bridge is really its name. It is certainly better than "Um..okay, I forgot!", at least.]

"Okay, listen up!

[SOF: You aren't the boss of me, squirrel.]

Me, Squidward, Gary, King Neptune, and Triton will explore the underground caverns.

[Jjs: Wait, why the hell would Neptune go with them? Doesn't he have a castle to run? Or the entire fucking ocean? Why did I make Neptune and Triton reoccurring characters instead of Nancy and Mr. Krabs, who both completely disappear (and I don't blame you if you forgot either existed)? So many strange decisions this spin-off makes.]

Nylax, his gang and SpongeBob and Patrick, when they return, will look for this bridge to this castle," said Sandy.

[Jjs: But how can they look for the bridge when Mr. N outright said he doesn't even know what it looks like? Also, how do you even know SpongeBob and Patrick will return safely at all? I really hate how uncaring and oblivious Sandy has been this entire spin-off.]

[SOF: Sandy apparently promoted herself to leader, so no worries. She's right because she says so. Apparently squirrels are very full of themselves. *adds to list of squirrel jokes*]

Meanwhile,

[SOF: A6wG0Lt.png ]

we see SpongeBob and Patrick in the past.

[Jjs: Gotta get back, back to the past, Samurai Sponge.]

They are in the Dark Lord's tomb.

[Jjs: I really love how such a proclaimed powerful god/lord just happens to be chilling in an underground cavern all these years. Mr. N should've done a much better job at sealing him away in a location any random person could come across if they went deep enough, since from what I'm getting based on how fast this is, the tomb isn't very far underground or hard to find.]

[SOF: Maybe there's a sign telling people there's nothing suspicious about the tomb and to keep walking. Knowing Bikini Bottomites, they probably believe it.]

They see the original Mystery Inc walk onto an odd pattern circle stage. Nylax is with them.

[Jjs: A stage underground? Is The Dark Lord having a rock (haha) concert?]

[SOF: "Odd pattern" couldn't be any more vague. Are the patterns of me? Paint an actual picture here.]

SpongeBob and Patrick hide behind a pillar. Just then, the stage glows dark. The shadow of the Dark Lord begins to appear.

[Jjs: The dastardly shadow returns.]

[SOF: So are SpongeBob and Patrick gonna try and stop this from happening, or just stand behind that pillar looking pretty?]

It growls. It seems like a Basilisk of some type. It has wings.

[Jjs: I'm just imagining the Basilisk from Harry Potter but with wings, then.]

[SOF: "It seems like"? So it might not even be a Basilisk with wings for all we know?]

The gang starts to run away.

[Jjs: Zoinks!]

[SOF: Ruh roh! Looks like we got another Scooby-Doo chase, so it's Yakety Sax time.]

The creature comes bursting open the tomb.

[SOF: Eww, now doing that in public is a true act of evil.]

Everyone flees. SpongeBob and Patrick start running.

[Jjs: If everyone already fled, why did SpongeBob and Patrick now just start running? Keep up, slowpokes.]

[SOF: Maybe they were too scared to look out from behind the comfort of their pillar.]

They bump into Thedore.

[SOF: How did they bump into him if the gang apparently already fled ahead of them?]

"You 2!" yelled Thedore.

[Jjs: Yes, those two weirdos who've been stalking you, which you all seemed to shrug off rather calmly, but I digress.]

Just then, the Dark Lord came charging for Thedore.

[SOF: Only him, out of the multiple people in the cave right now? Did the misspelling of Theodore piss The Dark Lord off?]

But, a blue portal appears and sucks SpongeBob and Patrick back in.

[Jjs: Yup, just like that. I also love how Mr. N didn't even try to do anything despite somehow still having the trident which he can easily use to slay the Gods. What stopped him from slaying The Dark Lord back in 2006? You know what...I give up pointing that out, since it's not going to get any form of decent explanation. Continue.]

[SOF: These Scooby-Doo chase scenes are very disappointing.]

The Monster's mouth cuts the screen off.

[Jjs: I thought his name was The Dark Lord now, not The Monster. Did he get demoted again? Also, how did his mouth "cut the screen off"? The screen looks fine to me. Too bad he couldn't have cut off the story instead. Actually, I'm just going to headcanon that line symbolically represents how it feels like this chapter feels very cut off and unfinished, which you'll notice the more we go along.]

[SOF: So uh, did The Dark Lord kill the original Mystery Inc or...]

They are back in Neptune's Palace.

[Jjs: Just like that. Glad to see that "conflict" lazily resolved itself. This whole SpongeBob and Patrick going back in time subplot amounted to nothing, just like the vampire subplots in BT S2 and the Dark Ones subplot in SBCPU S2. Especially very glaring since Mr. N could've just outright told them what happened to the gang instead of the two having to go back in time to waste time. If SpongeBob and Patrick had actually saved the original Mystery Inc (barring Sammy, who apparently somehow escaped, which isn't explained) from doom (...assuming The Dark Lord just killed them? I'm honestly not even sure, coming from the author), then I would've understood this plot line, but...nothing. Yeah, I'm calling the STALLING POLICE! This spin-off officially gets several tickets for pointless stalling. Glad SOF introduced that squad, because boy do we need them for chapters like these.]

[SOF: You're welcome jjs. *salutes* So Mr. N wanted SpongeBob and Patrick to go back in time just to see the original gang die? I enjoy nihilism too, but that's pretty fucked up.]

"Please tell me we aren't in the future now," said SpongeBob.

[SOF: FUUUTURRE!

tenor.gif ]

[Jjs: Do you mean future as in the present, or future future? Because if it's the first one, man, SpongeBob is one ungrateful asshole. Though considering how uncaring Sandy, Squidward and Gary have acted about their time travel disappearance, I guess it's only karma.]

"You're back home!" said Sandy.

[Jjs: About time you cared.]

[SOF: It doesn't even feel like they left considering how 2006 and 2010 Bikini Bottom don't seem to be very different from each other, at all.]

"Finally!" yelled Patrick as he began to hug the time machine.

[Jjs: Patrick x Time Machine. The true OTP.]

[SOF: Patrick finally gets his alone time with that time machine.]

Triton pulled him away.

[Jjs: Triton the cockblocker.]

[SOF: This is a more tragic love story than Romeo and Juliet.]

Sandy then explained to SpongeBob and Patrick on what was happening.

[Jjs: I doubt her explanation will clear up any of the many plot holes regarding Mr. N's out of nowhere and unplanned backstory, but sure. Go ahead and easily catch them up on what they missed in the past two chapters in just one sentence.]

[SOF: I kind of laughed at how the sentence is "what was happening", instead of "what is happening". Even that possibly unintentional typo agrees how the chapter has nothing happening anymore.]

"So, Mr. N or Nylax is a good guy?" asked SpongeBob.

[SOF: Are you asking us to choose between the two? I personally choose the "or".]

[Jjs: Somehow yes, even though it makes zero sense, but I already Plot Hole Police'd the shit out of this in 19, so I'll spare them. I was probably going to go further with the gang conflicting with Mr. N, but that required actual effort (and another part of me deep down likely knew S2 wasn't happening after what a mess the rest became), so nope. The spin-off just clearly wants to end itself no matter how rushed or confusing it is.]

"Yes, my dear Sponge," said Nylax.

[Jjs: Mr. N x SpongeBob? Eww. I still wouldn't trust this weirdo, but I'm sure they will even knowing he tricked them.]

[SOF: Even if Mr. N double crosses them again (which reminds me, they sure have forgotten about him suspiciously taking that amulet), saying "dear" will probably make it all okay.]

The gang split into their groups.

[Jjs: I'm getting very bad ATTWL 3 PTSD with the constant splitting up and nothing actually happening.]

[SOF: At least this is the last chapter that will probably keep some sort of Scooby-Doo element, since I've kind of forgotten this was supposed to be a Scooby-Doo spin-off with almighty GODS in the picture now.]

Gary, Sandy, Squidward, Triton and Neptune were underground. The Phantom Trinity, Nylax, SpongeBob and Patrick were at the Library.

[Mermaid Man: TO THE LIBRARY, AWAY!]

[SOF: So the Phantom Trinity are just buddy buddy now with them after everything? Okay.]

Nylax dug through their mythology books.

"Ah ha!" said Nylax.

[Jjs: Not sure what's so "Ah ha!" worthy about finding a book in a library. Do you say that when you find marshmallows in your Lucky Charms, too?]

[SOF: Hey now jjs, maybe he hasn't read a book in a long time, since I'm strongly questioning his (and everyone else's) intelligence level.]

He pulled out a book that said "The Floating Castle & The Light Bridge".

[Jjs: Which happens to be one of the New Kelp Times bestsellers and later had a mediocre movie adaption.] 

[SOF: Can't beat the sequel "The Underground Cavern & The Dark Lord's Tomb", though. Wait, so a book about where a powerful god/lord rests...happens to just conveniently be at the local library (despite only apparently Mr. N's secret society, Neptune and the mystery gangs knowing about them)? I'm getting very bad flashbacks to The Dark Side of the Herd having a book on the Elements of Harmony in a library. I'm calling major ASS PULL POLICE. I can definitely tell Past Jjs was rushing to get this done, and I don't blame him.]

"I remember now, it was called the Light Bridge.

[SOF: I'm glad to see you can read book titles.]

[Jjs: Thanks Mr. ExpositioN, but it would've been a lot more helpful if you had remembered this from the very beginning. This made the whole library trip entirely pointless if their answer was that easy. Yet more stalling.]

It would appear when the Light Lord was coming down," said Nylax.

[SOF: Coming down with WHAT? A cold? Pneumonia? An STD?]

"So, we have to get to this Light Lord when he is going to attack us?" said Patrick.

[SOF: THIS Light Lord? Is that just Patrick being Patrick or are there any other Lords I should know about!?]

"Yes, but it will take him a while to actually do something," said Loki.

[Jjs: D'oh! So that means our protagonists have to wait around until the Lords do something? THEIR "GREAT PLAN" EVERYONE!]

[SOF: Well fuck, there goes any suspense or plan this chapter was supposedly "building" up.]

"Shh!" yelled the Librarian.

[Jjs: It says a lot when the Librarian is given more of a clear role in the story than Mr. N and his henchmen.]

[SOF: Even the Librarian is pissed at the lack of plot advancement, and I don't blame her/him (take your pick).]

We saw Gary sniffing around.

[Jjs: Something tells me he's smelling how shitty this chapter is.]

[SOF: Or maybe it's the pot you were on when writing this.]

He felt dark pulses from the rocks.

[Jjs: The rocks used Dark Pulse! It wasn't very effective...]

[SOF: From those same dastardly dark atoms, I imagine. At least the Dark Lord's presence explains where the dark atoms in 16 came from, so I guess I'll give the spin-off credit for accidentally elaborating on something confusing.]

"I guess this is a sign of the Dark Lord coming," said Sandy.

[Jjs: More groundbreaking updates at 11.]

[SOF: I think it's actually a sign that there's a lot more dark atoms in this cave than we thought. We must study them for science. Would be worth looking into since Sandy is still apparently a scientist in this spin-off, though I have my doubts with the intelligence she's been displaying.]

The purple crystals in the cave began to light up.

[SOF: Which are now things in this cave apparently.]

They lighted up a chain of other crystals. It lit up a path. They followed along it.

[Jjs: Yup, just have a bunch of crystals that weren't explained the prior times we visited this cave lead their way. ASS PULL POLICE!]

[SOF: Well if these crystals stop the chapter from stalling, who am I to complain.]

"What if this is a trap?" asked Squidward.

[SOF: Those crystals already seem more trustworthy than Mr. N.]

"I'd rather be home instead of in a cave."

[Jjs: See, even Squidward doesn't want to be apart of this anymore.]

[SOF: Sorry Squidward, but you have to suffer the remaining chapters like the rest of us. At least there's only six after this, and then you're free to go home.]

They then heard growling.

[Jjs: Probably Patrick or Gary's stomach.]

[SOF: Or mine, since I'm pretty starved myself...for something actually interesting to happen, that is.]

"Did anybody else hear that?" asked King Neptune.

"What?" asked Squidward.

"Nevermind."

[Jjs: Well okay.]

[SOF: There goes any suspense...again. We already know the Dark Lord is nearby, so why shrug it off and act like they're not in danger? This spin-off works like clockwork, I tell ya.]

SpongeBob's group heads out and they look at the sky.

[SOF: So are they just gonna wander aimlessly around until they find something looking like a bridge in the sky?]

Lots of light is coming through from clouds.

[Jjs: If this is supposed to be symbolic of a bright spot in this mess, I'm afraid there are no bright spots when it comes to this chapter, or the rest of the spin-off for that matter. :(

"He is close to coming!" said Sablado.

[SOF: That's also a sexual innuendo.]

We then see Sammy the Scallop (The present one from Episode 10)

[SOF: Thanks, I wouldn't have guessed since it's not like they're in the past again.]

[Jjs: Oh, hi Sammy. Glad to see I got back to you after ignoring you for 9 straight chapters. Too bad his presence is being tacked on just so people couldn't say "lol you forgot about Sammy". But hey, at least he actually does appear again, unlike poor Mr. Krabs and Officer Nancy.]

flying around. He is chirping. He seems to be looking for the original Mystery Inc.

[SOF: Even though they possibly died/disappeared thanks to The Dark Lord and he should probably know they won't be in plain sight.]

The underground gang then arrives at a tomb.

[SOF: Why the heck was that Sammy scene its own scene? You could've just put this underground stuff up above, and then cut to the Sammy stuff.]

"Is t-this the tomb of the Dark Lord?" asked a scared Squidward.

[Jjs: No, it's the tomb of Tutenstein.]

[SOF: Why didn't SpongeBob and Patrick go look for it, since they just, y'know, saw it in the past? This just makes their time travel even more pointless.]

"I'm going to say yes," said Sandy.

[SOF: I don't know Sandy, might want to make sure his name is on the tomb first.]

[Jjs: Well at least Sandy seems like she has more than a digit IQ again.]

The gang walked onto it carefully.

[SOF: Onto it? Did they all just crush a tiny model of the Dark Lord's tomb?]

They entered inside of it.

[Jjs: DUN DUN DUMB]

[SOF: For the tomb of The Dark Lord, this sure seems easy to access. So, like jjs said in 19, why doesn't Mr. N just go in there and stab his ass with the trident already?]

We see Sammy fly down onto Nylax's shoulder.

[Jjs: Why? Sammy has no relation to Mr. N whatsoever. I guess this is kind of unintentionally funny since the Mr. E and Pericles relationship wasn't revealed at the time I wrote this, but still, this makes no sense. If Sammy and Mr. N were somehow good friends in the past, this could've been elaborated during those time travel hijinks, but NOPE.]

[SOF: Also, PLOT HOLE POLICE! Why did Mr. N in 10 tell them to "follow the scallop" when Sammy just ended up finding them on his own (somehow)? Why was Sammy even imprisoned in the zoo if everyone knew he belonged to the original Mystery Inc? Why was he acting so damn creepy to them and taped that taser to Very Correct Zoo Guard Derek, because that pasted Pericles scene makes zero sense seeing Sammy is good? Also, are we really supposed to believe Sammy was just aimlessly flying around the past 9 chapters and didn't try getting to the gang beforehand? ...Yeah, I give up trying to make sense of this. Continue.]

"It's Sammy!" said SpongeBob.

[Jjs: Who else but SAMMY!?]

"Ah, this scallop is still flying around," said Nylax.

[Jjs: Yup, just flying around in the Forgotten Character Zone while I thought of what to do with him until a few lines ago.]

"Hello friends.

[SOF: Apparently only meeting them once inside a zoo makes them your friends. Also, assuming the time travel even matters anymore, shouldn't Sammy be kind of suspicious about SpongeBob and Patrick since they "upset" him in the past? I feel like the time travel plot should've just been omitted entirely, because it's giving me too many headaches to count.]

Been a while.

[SOF: *wink wink nudge nudge*]

I see the lords are rising," said Sammy.

[SOF: I see you like pointing out the obvious.]

[Jjs: See, this dialogue is just so clunky and rushed. Sammy returns after nine chapters...just to nonchalantly remind the gang about what we've known for the entire fucking chapter. Yeah, so much for all that buildup to Sammy back in 10, because spoiler, he does absolutely nothing of importance in the rest of the spin-off. This is one of the exact reasons I should've either just waited for SDMI to return, or at least have given him a better role than this.]

"Yes, Sammy. But, we will be ready.."

[Jjs: ...That's seriously it? Yes, that is seriously it. This chapter was straight up unfinished and rushed. Literally nothing happened, other than SpongeBob and Patrick returning to the present, but it's swept under the rug like it never happened, so why should we care? Sammy returns, but unlike Pericles he doesn't impact anything, so why should we care? A lot of you probably are thinking this is only half the chapter due to how unfinished it feels...and you'd be right. Since this chapter decided to cut content for us to work with, I guess it's time I confess another reason this spin-off failed so badly:

When I was still writing this, after a while, I started to get extremely jealous of the popularity of Bikini Top and Down Under (lmao). I wanted USMI to be as popular as them, so I intentionally started to rush out chapters when they were far from complete or proofread, which really shows with ones like these. Sadly, this mantra continued for the rest of the spin-off's run. In the end, rushing them out didn't even matter since I'm pretty sure the storyline drove whatever remaining viewers there were away, and didn't gain me any new ones, either. "Great Plan" indeed. Can we go back to the Scooby-Doo cut and pastes now? Sure, they were still bad, but nowhere near as bad as these confusing messes of exposition that completely abandon the mystery theme.]

[SOF: Wow, for the first chapter to no longer use the tv.com format, it somehow managed to feel even more rushed, sloppy and confusing than the first 19. I don't know how Past Jjs did it, but I'm kind of impressed. Now I'm somehow even more scared than I was at the end of 16 for how the spin-off ends. If Past Jjs can't be bothered to even properly finish the chapters anymore, I guess I don't need to properly finish this rif-]

 

Edited by MLG Vanilluxe
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