Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 Yeah...I can see why jjs considers this a shame already. Good job, folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpongeOddFan Posted August 7, 2017 Share Posted August 7, 2017 pretty good start to riff USMI. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted August 8, 2017 Share Posted August 8, 2017 It's back, and as always, it's back in black. 3 hours ago, jjsthekid said: Spongebob and Squidward then Walk out of The Krusty Krab Walk Out of the Krusty Krab. A novel by two former Krusty Krab employees who reveal the horrors of the fast food industry. About Patrick and Gary, who am I to argue with the creator himself, but I think the reason they're put together is because they're supposed to be Shaggy and Scooby. That's what I always thought, same with thinking that Spongebob was supposed to be Fred and that Sandy and Squidward were supposed to be Velma and Daphne respectively. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted August 9, 2017 Author Share Posted August 9, 2017 (edited) Undersea Mysteries Incorporated 2. Creeping Eels Spoiler 2. Creeping Eels: [OMJ: No kids were creeped on during the making of this episode. Because the Undersea Mysteries Gang are not kids.] [Hayden: ] Plot: Spongebob and friends [OMJ: Front and center!] are all sitting his in house, bored. [OMJ: Here's something to do! Proofread.] [Hayden: At least they aren't sitting in his outhouse.] They haven't had a good mystery to solve in days. [OMJ: Yeah, where are the fucking criminals when you need them? Screw peace in our time. But that aside, I doubt any other mystery they've solved were actually "good".] Just then, the doorbell rings. Spongebob answers it and a Mailfish is there. [French Narrator: Ahhh, the daily gratuitous ring of the domestic Mailfish.] [Hayden: http://spongebob.wikia.com/wiki/Mailfish Lol Jjs predicting a future character.] He says," I have a package for a Spongebob Squarepants." He says," That is me!" He takes the package and puts it on a table. It is a brown box and opens it. [OMJ: Geez, with that level of detail, I could've sworn the Mailfish just gave the package to himself like some paranoid schizo.] [Hayden: "It is a brown box and opens it". Two sentences smooshed into one brain spasm.] There is a blue letter with a green stamp on with the letter N. Gary meows. Patrick says," Mr. N!" [OMJ: The Gamemaster?!] [Hayden: Why wasn't this letter just sent in an envelope? A box is an unnecessary resource waste. N stands for negligent.] Sandy says," It could be a trap!" [OMJ: Well, if his trapping skills are anything like yours, then he may just end up trapping himself. Wherever he's at.] [Hayden: The only trap that you're going to find is something small like a Chinese finger trap. ] Spongebob finds a purse in it. [OMJ: Is that the new Louis Vuitton? Not that, I would know...] [Hayden: The purse was in the letter? Or the box? I guess the box was needed? Maybe say all the things inside when it's first opened.] Sandy says," Nevermind, nice purse!" [OMJ: Then the bomb inside goes off.] [Hayden: ] Spongebob flips it around and reads the label saying: "100% Pure Eel. Made it Eelsburg." [Grammar Police: Did you mean: made in] [OMJ: So is there like an entire town full of eels, I presume, whose main export is purses made out of themselves? What the fuck did I get myself into?] Squidward says," That is impossible, Eelsburg hasn't made Eel products in years!" [OMJ: Squidward is definitely somebody who would rock a purse, so kudos for that.] [Hayden: What a relief to hear a population of Eels stopped turning themselves into accessories.] Spongebob says," Squidward, tell us about Eelsburg!" Squidward groans and says," Fine. [OMJ: It's almost like you don't want to contribute towards solving this mystery. I think Squidward's character might be redeemed yet!] [Hayden: Is Squidward the only person who has heard of this town? Use your shell phone to research geography.] Eelsburg was a small town located to the west of Bikini Bottom. It had more eels than any other place in the sea! They made eel skin products from the eels such as Eel Coats and Eel Boots. [OMJ: Isn't that like fucking murder in the SpongeBob world? There's a walking, talking eel character capable of conscious thought in Walking Small for crying out loud. Although, not gonna lie, he'd deserve it.] [Hayden: If there was another species enslaving the eels, this doesn't come right out and say it.] But then, the eel mines dried up and the eels disappeared. [OMJ: They mined for living beings?! What, did they grab their pickaxes and went into every closest eel nut sack and vagina they could find until literally driving them to extinction?] [Hayden: Ultra bizarre visual, OMJ. I'm just going to wish the eels that were "mined" were already dead.] Eelsburg became a ghost town." Spongebob says," We have a mystery on our hands!" Sandy says," Sweet Neptune!" [OMJ: Hooray! Let's make a name for ourselves on the graves of an entire species!] [Hayden: Is "Sweet Neptune" supposed to be a catchphrase like "Jinkies"? Because it's not a successful catchphrase thus far.] They all hop into the Mystery Boat and ride off. [OMJ: Couldn't at least make it sound cooler, like "Mystery Submarine" or something?] [Hayden: That would make Patrick and Gary think about submarine sandwiches too often.] They see a sign saying: "Eelsburg. 30 miles away." They see a boat zooming by very fast. Patrick says," What was that all about?" [OMJ: Maybe that was The Creeper from Jeepers Creepers, but he just gave up and took off because none of you have the brains that he needs to feed on. And coincidentally enough, this joke ties in perfectly to the whole Scooby Doo thing!] They then arrive in Eelsburg. Sandy says," You Were right Squidward, this place is a ghost town." [OMJ: I can just tell from the utter lack of detail.] Just then, the Mystery Boat breaks down. Spongebob opens the front and says," The engine is missing!" [OMJ: Then how the hell have you been driving this whole fucking time?!] [Hayden: It was clearly stolen while they were sight-seeing all Eelsburg has.] Patrick says," Aww, we are stuck in this creepy eel town?" [OMJ: That's low key racist.] Just then, a truck boat pulls up. [OMJ: It's different from the boat Gare and the gang are driving because it's a truck boat. Couldn't at least call it a tug boat since they haul shit?] [Hayden: ] An old Eel pops out of the truck [OMJ: Uhhh, didn't y'all mothertruckers (hehe, get it) disappear?] and says," What are you kids doing here? You are in some serious trouble!" [OMJ: And this time, you won't be let out of jail almost immediately. No sir. You now have to serve time for TWO WHOLE MINUTES!] [Hayden: I guess Eels really despise loitering.] He looks big and strong. [OMJ: Okay there, Double T in the Morning.] He says," My name is Eric Eel." [OMJ: I wonder why. ] [Hayden: No point in an Eel pun if it's just going to be their name starts with E.] Spongebob says," Please sir, we are stuck here. Our engine broke down." Eric says," Fine, I'll have to order a new engine from Bikini Bottom. But since that is a bit far from here, it won't arrive until Tomorrow Morning." [OMJ: Is that some new holiday that I'm not aware of?] [Hayden: Sounds like fast as fuck delivery to me.] Patrick seems scared. His expression lightens up when he says an Eel Burger Store. He walks in with Spongebob and Gary. [OMJ: Okay, one, what the fuck, they sell themselves as food now? Two, for a ghost town, there sure are quite a few people there, enough to warrant there being a business that somehow sustains itself to be above water.] [Hayden: "when he says". I want to say things into existence too. ] A shadowy eel appears and vanishes. [OMJ: Jumpscares are so cheap.] [Hayden: That's why people think they disappeared.] Patrick eats one of the old burgers. [OMJ: Oh look, an ambulance.] Spongebob says," They remind me of Krabby Patties." Eric Eel says," My sister Erin Eel [OMJ: Creative parents, you've got there. Aahh, who am I sayin', creative author. ] [Hayden: Krabby Patties aren't Krab meat (are they?) so maybe these Eel burgers aren't Eel meat.] runs the finest Hotel in town." [OMJ: And there's an operational hotel?! With another eel?! What the?! Who the?! How?!] [Hayden: You'd be surprised how many ghosts in a ghost town need a place for their spirit to crash.] They all go there. The sign is flashing and broken. The sign's words burn out and they spell: "All Snails who Enter Die!" Gary meows and quickly runs in. [OMJ: Um, I'd run away bitch. That came off a little too enthusiastic, like he wants to die. Which I wouldn't blame him if it meant being written off of here, but still.] [Hayden: That got a giant lol out of me. Either Gary is suicidal or ditzy Jjs completely wrote the opposite of what Scooby's behavioral response would be.] Just then, Erin Eel appears. She says," Hello there. We're closed." Sandy says," But your sign says open." [OMJ: No, it clearly says bright as day "All Snails who Enter Die!"] [Hayden: Also if they are closed, why would she or any staff be there?] She says," That sign is broken. Son, we have guests!" [OMJ: Is she supposed to be Patrick levels of dumb or was that just bad writing?] [Hayden: Does that mean snails that enter don't die?] Her son Erlan Eel appears. [OMJ: ANOTHER EEL?!] [Hayden: Is Erlan even a mothertrucking name?] Patrick says," Your last times end with eel and you live in eelsburg? And your also eels? What a coincidence." She says," Yeah, coincidence." [OMJ: Well that answers my question from earlier. PatrickxErin OTP.] [Hayden: I think this "last times" coincidence could be a mystery clue!] Erlan says," Why hello there.." Erin says," We don't get many guest here at the Sleeping Eel." Squidward says," Shocker." [OMJ: Squidward gets me. But still, couldn't call it "The Eelton" or something...?] [Hayden: Eelectric Boogaloo Inn.] She says," Rule Number 1. No getting out of your room if you hear any strange sounds such as dragging, screaming or moaning" Spongebob sees a claw mark into a wall [OMJ: God help my dirty thoughts. ] [Hayden: ] and picks out a claw. [OMJ: Keep it, it could help you attract mates to take back to your room.] [Hayden: ] She then says," Rule 2. No Pets allowed!" Gary feels sad. Spongebob says," Sorry pal. You can sleep in the mystery boat." Gary seems sad and meows. [OMJ: What, sad that he's being made to sleep outside or the fact that they won't really kill him?] [Hayden: #SnailHotelRights2017] All 4 are sleeping in the room. [OMJ: Kinky. Who gets to sleep in the same bed as Sandy?] [Hayden: Who gets the same bed as Squidward?] Gary is the mystery boat under a blanket in the back. [OMJ: Way to rip off Speed Buggy too.] [Hayden: Is Gary a Transformer?] He is scared. A scary eel appears. Gary is scared and meows loudly. [OMJ: Just because you spam the word a lot, it doesn't make it anymore scary.] [Hayden: ] He runs out of the Mystery Boat's back! He manages to get on the roof and is getting attacked by 3 evil eels. [OMJ: 3 MORE EELS?!] [Hayden: Disclaimer for racists. Not all Eels are evil.] Gary says," Meow..Spo-Meow He-Meow!" [OMJ: What kind of satanic shit is this?] [Hayden: Gary is chanting a protection spell!] He manages to escape slowly into the hotel. [OMJ: Why, he ran in there perfectly quick earlier?] [Hayden: The protection spell ritual zaps away his energy.] One of the black scary eels appears and attacks. [OMJ: Oh, this is in THAT part of Eelsburg.] [Hayden: Could've chosen any color of eel. Maybe this is Racism The Minisode.] It slams into the wall and scratches the floor. Gary bounces back and hits into its head with his shell. He rolls into their room and meows loudly. The door is being banged on. [OMJ: Teehee. ] [Hayden: That's one large door crack.] Spongebob says," What was that Gary? Eel people!" The 3 Huge eels break through the door and attack. [OMJ: But they broke in, thus revealing themselves, after the fact that SpongeBob jumped to the conclusion that they were eel people. For all he knew, they could've been sponges or stars or squids or squirrels. But then again, everything in this fucking town is Eels, even the businesses.] [Hayden: At least Spongebob didn't blame Gary for the Eel people and then coddle the Eel people and keep them as pets while Gary was mutilated.] Spongebob and grabs a lamp and throws one at the Woman eel. [OMJ: The feminists are gonna have a field day with this.] [Hayden: Gives lamp-shading a brand new meaning.] Squidward pulls out his Clarinet and plays it. [OMJ: What, is Squidward THAT aware that his clarinet playing is THAT terrible?] [Hayden: Out of character unless he thought it'd soothe them out of violence.] The eels screech and bang into walls. All 5 jump out the window. Spongebob says," Gary, get into the Mystery Boat's front seat!" [OMJ: And that seat exactly and YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!] [Hayden: Is Gary the getaway driver?] Sandy says," But it is broken!" Spongebob says," I have an idea!" All 4 push the mystery boat down a hill and they jump in. [OMJ: Thank you, conveniently placed hill!] [Hayden: And then the boat smashed into a rock since they couldn't steer. RIP.] The eels chase them, but stop once the Boat passes the sign Saying they Are leaving Eelsburg. [OMJ: So the sign says "Saying they Are leaving Eelsburg"? And they say Rock Bottom's got some confusing ass signs.] [Hayden: Maybe there's some sort of Eel force field trapping them in. Diabolical plan to hatch if you want eel fabric.] Squidward says," They are happy we left..something isn't right here." [OMJ: I don't know what implied them being happy, but sure.] [Hayden: If they'd been sad to see you leave, would that have hurt your ego less?] Spongebob says," In order to crack this mystery, we have to go back into Eelsburg." Patrick faints. [OMJ: Aw shit, that old burger's finally got em!] All 5 are at the Eelsburg dock. [OMJ: What, did they somehow walk back or roll themselves there? Or did they all just chip in to call a sloppy scene transition?] [Hayden: You'd think the eels that chased them out would be more on guard.] The 3 Scary Eels and loading boxes of Eel Skin products. [OMJ: written by Jjs Rowling.] [Hayden: and who?] Squidward opens a box and finds a case of Eel Belts. Gary sniffs it and feels odd. [OMJ: Shit, I would too if I were surrounded by the shit those things are made out of all night.] Gary doesn't like it. Spongebob says," Gary hates Fake Animal skin products.." Sandy says," So those eels are fake! And those products are fake!" [OMJ: ...WHAT?! I mean, yay, these freakin eels aren't really killing each other for profit and all that, but the thought that which is considered a domestic animal here in the SpongeBob universe actually hating FAKE animal skin products and implying that this animal would prefer REAL animal skin products? Holy fucking shit dude. Jjs, you may have said that this episode didn't have much material to go off of when you first sent this to me, but man, you gave me the fucking gold mine! And another thing, is it really considered THAT bad for these eels to NOT kill each other in order to make these products? I mean, making fakes ain't much better, but the people in this world would really rather have them dwindle their species just to keep up product integrity?!] [Hayden: All's Eel that ends Eel. Until it's not really Eel.] Spongebob says," I think we are close to solving this mystery." Let's set a trap. [OMJ: So that you can beat them over the heads with baseball bats afterward and make them into clothes?] [Hayden: That'd be somewhat poetic.] Patrick says," You eels are the ugliest eels I have ever seen!" [OMJ: Yeah, you're so ugly that everyone dies! End chapter.] [Hayden: Patrick probably didn't even know what eels were until this chapter.] The tall eel says," What did you just say..?" [OMJ: He told you to *puts on megaphone* "suck my BALLS"] [Hayden: He also said tall eels are compensating with their tallness because they have short dicks.] The female eel says," Get him!!" Patrick runs and hides into a shed. The trap is set. All 3 get caught into some rings on ropes and Spongebob pulls the main rope. They get flung up and smash into the top and go flying into 3 boxes that were set up by Squidward. [OMJ: A better trap would've been just locking them in a room with Squidward and his clarinet.] [Hayden: A trap that worked on the first try. Now I wonder who our culprits are? Probably not Erlan, Erin, or Eric.] Officer Nancy arrives. [OMJ: What, is she the entire police department that also happens to have jurisdiction over another town 30+ miles away?] [Hayden: ] She says," Are you telling me these Eel Skin products were fake?" [OMJ: Yeah, how dare they not have the integrity to grind up one of their own into our material needs and wants.] [Hayden: What does it matter if the products still satisfactorily did their designed purpose?] They unmask the monster eels. They are Eric Eel, Erin Eel and Erlan Eel! Eric says, [OMJ: Well that was blatant. Not like we were introduced to any other characters in this episode.] [Hayden: Wow, these Eels were so fake and obvious that they didn't let us have another shock pun.] " Well, we used to live here. But everyone left after the eel mines dried up." [OMJ: You are living beings! Are you saying you're birthed from rock and ore?!] [Hayden: "Most eels hide and live in caves and rock crevices." Not a fun game of hide and seek at all :/] Erin says," But we stayed!" Erlan says," We passed off fake Eel skin products to get people to come here. We scared people away so nobody knew what we were doing. [OMJ: Um...wtf? @plan So why get people to go there in the first place?! Did this practice of attracting people over for a hot minute and then immediately scaring them off that same night somehow cause the local economy to boom?! If anything, the word of mouth from these people you scare would make people wanna go there even less, which would actually be beneficial to your plan! WHY AM I TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF A 13 YEAR OLD'S FEVER DREAM? This all would've worked out a hell of a lot better if the "to get people to come here" bit was just omitted, and if they just stuck to strictly scaring people away from the well-known ghost town in order to hide their illegal operation, which they've been forced into after having their local species wiped out thanks to consumerism.] [Hayden: Where did everyone else move?] We would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids.." [OMJ: I mean, SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandy I could understand, but imagining Squidward being bunched in with these "kids" is just hilarious in and of itself.] Officer Nancy arrests all 3 and puts them in the Police Boat." Sandy says," Wait, our boat is broken!" Just then, the Mystery Boat's engine turns on. An engine is in there! [OMJ: Okay, I could buy an engine miraculously being snuck in there while all this is going on, and Gare and the gang find it out by turning on the boat themselves, but somebody had to have fucking been in there to actually turn it on, and unless they're the freaking Quickster, whoever that was would've been caught doing at least that. Yes, I'm being that realistic.] There is a letter from Mr. N [OMJ: The Gamemaster!] [Hayden: Mr. N-gine.] on it. It says," I hope you had a fun time in Eelsburg, but be warned, there are many more mysteries to come. This is the first piece of the secret.." [OMJ: See ya later, Mr. N! What a nice villain!] [Hayden: Mr. Nice?] Squidward says," What secret?" Patrick says," I have a feeling we are about to find out.." [OMJ: Pleeease, Patrick would've just ate the letter. I don't know what else to say, mang. I honestly felt more for the bad guys, despite their heavily flawed plan, more than I do our heroes here. The overall message of that capture was just...bad in more ways than one. And if this is a mere taste of what's to come, then God help more than my dirty thoughts.] [Hayden: Well they aren't "about" to find out. I remember enough about Mystery Incorporated to know Mr. N will give them hints at a glacial pace.] Edited October 15, 2017 by The Lich 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fortnitefan12 Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 Missed the perfect opportunity to make an Eels and Escalators joke Being serious, I really liked this episode, even though there were only two riffers it still made me laugh my ass off Can't wait for the next. :3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted August 9, 2017 Share Posted August 9, 2017 "You're under arrest for not murdering each other!" Dragiiin's Eelz made more sense than this episode. XD 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpongeOddFan Posted August 10, 2017 Share Posted August 10, 2017 OMJ & @Hayden made me lol that was godly riifs 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted August 22, 2017 Author Share Posted August 22, 2017 (edited) Here's a three in one riff pack. Undersea Mysteries Incorporated 3. Boat of Doom! Spoiler [Rusty: *Falls to the ground* Ouch. Who put me here? Oh yeah, I did. Who am I kidding?] [Hayden: At least we aren't stranded on a boat. Ergh, I spoke too soon.] 3. Boat of Doom! : Plot : One night, a teenager is driving his boat very fast. But an officer pulls him over and says," Watch the speed limit. But I'll just give you off with a warning." [Rusty: That sounds illegal. Couldn't you have just said, 'Let?'] [Hayden: Who is he giving this teenager to? Is this slavery?] Just then, a giant boat truck comes by. The officer hops on his bike and rides off. The Giant boat truck has flaming wheels! [Rusty: Wow, the officer should really take care of that, or that was a very jarring transition.] [Hayden: Maybe an officer should be driving something besides a bike...] It has tattered sheets and a scary front. It honks loudly. The Officer says," You do realize your spe-speeding?!" [Rusty: Damn Ced's, always skipping.] [Hayden: What kind of scary front? This officer doesn't exactly have a backbone, but I'm guessing the front of this truck has crossbones.] The Truck honks and knocks him off the road into a lake. But only his bike landed in the lake. [Rusty: Redundancy, much, Redundancy?] [Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you Jjs in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town.] [Hayden: Why say he was knocked off into the lake if a line later you're going to say it was only the bike? How is this officer alive right now? Whatever, at least we now know that Nancy isn't the only officer around, but I have a strong feeling we won't see this guy again.] The Officer managed to climb back up. The Truck speeds off. [Rusty: I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I brought that character from that thing in that riff.] [Hayden: ] The next morning, Spongebob hands some customers their food at the Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs says," Spongebob, we have a special guest! His name is Steve Stoventong." He walks in and has a green coat and red scarf. [Rusty: Merry Fucking Whatever.] [Hayden: Krabs found the cheapest guest star he could afford.] He has a light purple/green skin. [Rusty: Pick one or the other. Or is he mixed?] He says," Hello, I am Steven Stoventong. [Rusty: What an amazing name.] I work at Steve Stoves Inc. You may know us well since we are popular for selling Steve Stoves." [Rusty: And blocking random people on twitter for no reason.] [Hayden: Going by his last name, do they also sell tongs?] Mr. Krabs says," Wonderful! I have one of your stoves at my Anchor house!" He says," Well, I'll order a Dr. Kelp and a Krabby Patty with Barnacle Rings." [Rusty: Why does he want rings? Don't tell me those are what I think of?] [Hayden: Now he's reminding us that the Krusty Krab has other menu items. Those sparsely come up even though if I go to a fast food restaurant the drink and fries are the cornerstone of the meal.] Spongebob says," Coming right up!" He hands him his meal a few minutes later. He says," Excellent!" [Rusty: This feels like I'm watching a preschool show.] [Hayden: We've seen Spongebob make an order up like that in a split second, so it's disrespectful to Mr. Stoventong and definitely not excellent.] Plankton then appears and attempts on stealing his Krabby Patty, but Spongebob squishes him with his Spatula and hands Steve back the Krabby Patty. [Rusty: That seemed important.] [Hayden: I hope he cleaned that spatula afterwards. Also, poor Plankton has so few schemes left that the writer can't even think of one. At least put Plankton in disguise so his coming out of nowhere is clever.] Plankton says," Hey Krabs, have you heard about the missing windows and the mysterious Ghost boat? Better watch out, the window thief might steal your windows. And The Ghost Boat Trucker is probably the thief..heh." [Rusty: I have the Grammar Police on speed dial.] [Hayden: That's not Plankton, that's Expositon.] Plankton walks out. Spongebob says," Windows Missing? Ghost Boat?" Mr. Krabs says," A Ghost Boat? This will be perfect for business!" [Rusty: Until those meddling kids and their worm find out. Something tells me I spoiled something.] [Hayden: What does a Ghost Boat have to do with his business? It'll just freak several away. Krusty Krab is like a McDonald's determined to shoot itself in the ass.] Spongebob goes home and calls Squidward, Sandy and Patrick. Spongebob explains to them about the situation. Squidward says," Missing Windows? I remember Plankton's old father was a Window thief! Many years ago, Plankton's dad known as Peter Plankton stole some windows! He was later arrested, and set free, but nobody knows whatever happened to him. Perhaps Plankton is following in his footsteps.." [Rusty: Points for alliteration, I guess. Peter is better than "Sheldon"] [Hayden: Plankton's father is suddenly a notorious window bandit? Better question, why the hell do they assume windows from some old boat are the crime of the century? It could just be downtrodden and the windows broke long ago.] Gary meows and points to the Mystery Boat. Patrick says," We should look for that Scary Boat!" They all agree and hop in. [Rusty: Boats. Boats! BOATS!] [Hayden: The lazy un-iconic name for what they drive in is really noticeable when it's next to another descriptor boat. Mystery Submarine. It was right there.] The Mystery Boat rides around the streets at Night. Sandy says," No Ghost Boat yet." Just then, they hear a loud honking noise! [Rusty: Crashin' frashin' break dancers!] [Hayden: ] The Ghost boat appears from behind! Squidward steps on the pedal and speeds up. The Ghost Boat roars loudly and fire from the wheels causes some flames to scorch the road. [Rusty: Whelp, we need the redundancy department, yes, we do so need them.] [Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you Jjs in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town.] [Hayden: You can't leave fire marks on an underwater road. What is the source of this never-ending wheel fire anyways?] The back door opens and Patrick is very scared. He closes the door. But the Ghost Truck somehow appears in the front and rams into The Mystery Boat. The Mystery Boat goes flying backwards and Squidward parks it off into a forest with a tree hiding it. [Rusty: You can apparently park a skidding van.] [Hayden: Squidward is superb at parallel parking.] The Ghost Boat Truck rides by and roars. Spongebob hops out and looks. He sees tire tracks! Sandy says," What Ghost Truck leaves tire tracks?" Patrick says," One that is very sensitive about not leaving tire tracks on the road?" Sandy says," None." [Rusty: This isn't the time for jokes, Sandy.] [Hayden: True, Sandy made something closer to a joke than what Patrick just shat out his mouth.] They all drive the boat to the Krusty Krab. Steve is there and finishes another meal. He says," Boy, this place makes the Best food in the sea! I'll be off now to work." [Rusty: Must've had a long lunch break.] [Hayden: He must weigh as much as a stove if he's been there eating meals this whole time.] Patrick then grabs a menu and sees a Letter in it stamped with the Letter N. [Rusty: N for No Substance!] [Hayden: N for not clear how they knew to look there.] Sandy says," Mr. N!" Spongebob opens it and there is a disc in it. [Rusty: Apparently, redundancy is gonna be a theme here, apparently.] [Hayden: Unless it has the banned Team Rocket vs. Team Plasma two-parter on it, we're not interested, N.] They go into the Mystery Boat and put the disc into a disc player. Mr. N says from the audio," Hello children. If you want to solve the mystery, the follow the tracks. Windows can be found in caves too, you know." The audio ends. Sandy says," That either means nothing or it is a clue!" Spongebob says," Hey guys, I have prepared a trap! You'll see in action once we catch this Ghost Boat Trucker!" [Rusty: Have I overdosed on caffeine pills?] [Hayden: Windows can be found in caves too, you know?! That isn't a cryptic riddle or anything remotely resembling cunning word play. Mr. N literally just told them to go down into some caves, they don't have to do any solving.] They drive to where the tire tracks were and follow them. They are at a dead end. The only thing there is a mountain. [Rusty: So they are in Gatlinburg?] Squidward says," The Tracks go into the mountain..What the?" Patrick stands against the wall and presses a switch. A rock door opens and a hidden cave appears! [Rusty: ] [Hayden: ] They enter the cave and find a stash of Windows. [Rusty: Opposed to Macs.] [Hayden: A stash of stolen computers would've been more practical than this truck's bizarre singular focus on glass.] Spongebob says," Well, I think this mystery is about wrapped up!" Just then, they hear a roaring sound. The Truck appears! They manage to get past it and jump into the Mystery Boat. They all zoom off. The Truck is in high pursuit. [Hayden: And it somehow doesn't smash any of its precious windows? I guess it doesn't giving a flying fuck.] They park behind the Krusty Krab. Spongebob says," This is going to be awesome!" He presses a button on the remote and a ramp springs up from underground. The Truck drives onto the ramp and goes flying up and into a nearby pond! It roars and shuts down. [Truck: I'm trying to SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP] [Hayden: ] The ghost cloaks rip off of it, revealing it was a normal Truck. [Rusty: It still has feelings, jeez.] [Hayden: Poor Truck just wanted to make something of itself. Set up a nice window shop and look edgy to attract some cool bro trucks.] The door opens and Steve Stoventong appears! He says," Yeah, yeah I know." Mr. Krabs appears and says," What, why?! I had big plans for that Ghost Truck!" He then starts crying. [Rusty: Boo Hoo, let me play a sad violin.] [Hayden: All I've taken out of this is that Stoventong has a very erratic schedule.] Squidward says," Why did you do this?" Steve says," Our Stoves are popular, but Stoves don't break much in this town. [Rusty: Isn't that good?] [Hayden: Some are old and need to be replaced, and you have plenty of generations of new fish purchasing a stove for the first time. One of the least compelling villain excuses of all Jjs-time.] Our sales got poor. I used the truck to smuggle the Windows out of town. I stole the windows to make people crowd into our Rival company, Walt's Windows. [Rusty: *insert disney joke here*] [Hayden: "crowd into our Rival company". Uh, I don't think that's how the villain's intention should be worded. That makes it sound like he wants to help his Rival gain business.] People would crowd into his store and the people would rage! I knew that he has a low stock on Windows, so I figured if he was out, our Stove company could get popular! I also thought people would blame that fool Plankton for it since his father stole Windows, but apperently not! Good day!" [Rusty: Weak.] [Hayden: Who talks like this?! "Oh yeah, and that other guy that this chapter set up as as a suspect, he's innocent". Also, nobody would buy the stoves if they just come there for the windows...] Officer nancy takes him away. [Rusty: No capitalization of "Nancy"? Shame.] Sandy says," Another mystery solved gang!" She then looks at the Silver Pendant she found (From the 1rst episode) [Rusty: as apposed to the 5tygh] [Hayden: Oh man, that was so many episodes ago too. *rolls eyes*] and opens it. She still wonders who the boy and girl fish were. [Rusty: Yet doesn't care. Now, I have a crush to admire...] [Hayden: And she'll keep wondering because Jjs already told us that plot gets dropped on a hot stove. Rather weak episode, the gang did next to nothing and the motive of the culprit was a total pane. *rimshot* See you in 6/7.] 4. Revenge of the Lobster Man Spoiler 4. Revenge of the Lobster Man: [Jjs: Sounds like the title of a campy B movie, but I imagine this will be without the camp.][OMJ: If the last episode I riffed is anything to go by, lemme guess. It's Larry the Lobster. ] Plot : One night at the Goo Lagoon, Nancy and Harold are setting up the nets for the Volleyball tournament at the Goo Lagoon. [Jjs: No way, I never thought the tournament at Goo Lagoon would be at Goo Lagoon! Thanks for the redundancy, past me.][OMJ: I'm just sitting here laughing at the somewhat unnecessary "the" before "Goo Lagoon".] Nancy says," I am thirsty." [Jjs: Wow. We literally just started, and this is our first line of dialogue. Off to a good start already. I could make so many jokes with this, but I don't want to step on OMJ's toes. ] [OMJ: She wants dick, y'all.] Harold says," Try some Skipper's Seaside Water." [OMJ: That's an awfully ad-friendly way of saying "Try some of Skipper's dick".][Jjs: ...Skipper who? Skipper from Mystic Guardians? Crazy how much unintentional foreshadowing this had to future SpongeBob and SBC things. Also, loving dat product placement.] He throws a bottle of Skipper's Seaside Water [Jjs: ™][OMJ: Such a gentleman.] at her and she drinks it. Nancy says," This is great!" [OMJ: Silly Nancy, that's not Frosted Flakes!][Jjs: Skipper's Seaside Water. Nancy approved. So basically the intro was a commercial for Skipper's Seaside Water. We really are off to a good start.] Just then, something is rumbling under the sand. A giant red claw pops up and grabs Nancy. She says," Help, Help!" [Jjs: Could you say that a little louder? I got sand in my ears.][OMJ: Well, that claw ain't just fer attracting mates.] Harold grabs onto her fin, [Harold: Never let go, Nancy. ;( ] but then another giant claw appears and grabs Harold! [OMJ: Aahhh, it's his old nemeses! Big Meaty Claws!] It then pulls both of them under the sand while they scream. Then, the beach turns silent. [Jjs: Considering those two were apparently the only ones on the beach at the time, I imagine the beach wouldn't have been very loud to begin with.][OMJ: Ah, but was it "dead silent"? No? Well, The Killer Krab's got you beat in the eerie department.] The next morning, the volleyball match at the Goo Lagoon has begun. [Jjs: And I guess nobody is going to question what happened to them.][OMJ: I think the bigger question here is: who finished setting the nets up for the tournament?] Mr. Krabs is at a stand selling Krabby Patties. [OMJ: Of fucking course. Mr. Krabs has a goddamn monopoly on the local cuisine. I'm surprised he wasn't just out running a random stand in freakin Eel Town like that mofo Moneybags in Spyro.] Vendell (The Orange ice cream vendor) [Jjs: His name was Lou, not Vendell. I couldn't even keep the name of a background character, impressive. But more importantly, I'm laughing my ass off at this: ] has set up his icecream stand. Patrick says," I want ice cream!" [Jjs: Well at least Patrick knows it's two words. You know it's pretty damn sad when Patrick says ice cream correctly instead of the author.] He then buys a Chocolate ice cream cone and eats it. [OMJ: I'm just going to assume he ate it whole.] Vendell says," When that Volleyball match begins, they force me to move my ice cream cart. [Jjs: The horror! It's almost like they need the room! Seriously, I don't know why the location of your cart matters at all. As long as you still get customers, there shouldn't be an issue. Why am I even looking so much into this throwaway line?][OMJ: It makes you just wanna dress up as a fake monster and scare the living shit out of people, doesn't it?] Plus, those team's bickering annoys me sometimes.." [Jjs: I guess this was supposed to be my """subtle""" way of introducing a suspect.][OMJ: Who the hell is this guy all of a sudden, the Jolly Olly Man?] Squidward says," Someone sure is grumpy. Grumpier than me." [Jjs: I doubt he's any grumpier than the Grumpy Old Troll though.][Vendell: HEY, I'M GRUMP.][Squidward: I'M NOT SO GRUUUUMP.][Vendell & Squidward: AND WE'RE THE UNDERSEA MYSTERY GRUMPS!] Spongebob says," Why don't you like the Volleyball Tournament?" [Jjs: When did he imply anything about not liking it? Nothing about being forced to move your ice cream cart or the teams "sometimes annoying you" implies he hates the tournament as a whole...] Vendell says," It's good, I didn't say I hated it." [OMJ: Way to shut the little square dude THE FUCK UP.][Jjs: Wow, okay then. I feel like I was trying to introduce a suspect with this strange conversation, but just completely botched it. If Vendell does turn out to be the monster, then he better have a damn good motivation instead of what was portrayed here.] The Announcer says, [Jjs: The Announcer is the culprit, calling it.] " The first match is about to begin! It is Team Victory Vs. Team Seahorse!" [OMJ: Boy, Ultra Sun and Ultra Moon sure are shaping up to be the best in the series yet!][Jjs: OMJ and I should've been calling this hot action. Also, Team Victory was a reference to the Total Drama World Tour (which also came out around this time) team of the same name, but without their losing streak.][OMJ: So they win this game? Way to spoil it for me.] The 2 teams gather on each side. One of Team Seahorse's members serves the ball. Spongebob buys 2 ice cream cones, but Gary secretly eats one. [Jjs: I guess Snail-Po isn't doing it for Gary anymore.][OMJ: With that oddly placed tidbit, I would think that was all apart of the same play for Team Seahorse...] They all sit in the stands. One of Team Victory's members says," Hey, where did Tyler go?" [Jjs: Tyler who?][OMJ: "They all sit in the stands"? So did the two teams get on the court only to sit right back down?] The match is close, [OMJ: I'd say, I doubt either of them scored yet with the way they're playing.] but then the ground shakes. A Giant Lobster Creature appears from under the sand! [Jjs: I thought it was going to be "Lobster Man" based on the title, not "A Giant Lobster Creature".] It roars and cuts the net with its large claw. [OMJ: THAT NET HAD A FAMILY GODDAMMIT!] The Announcer says," And this match was brought to you buy Skip-Skipper's Seaside Water! Now run around in circles and scream! Have a good daay!" [Jjs: Holy shit, I'm fucking laughing my ass off at this sequence. xD Let me break it down: 1.) "And this match was brought to you BUY Skipper's Seaside Water" Is this whole chapter just a giant shill for Skipper's Seaside Water?! 2.) It's "scream and run around in circles" in that order if that was supposed to be a direct SpongeBob reference. 3.) I love how The Announcer is staying so calm during this monster attack. Gotta admire that. Although, now I am very disappointed they apparently aren't the monster. Shame, they would've made a better culprit than whoever the real one is. 4.) Lastly, I love how he says "daay" instead of day. Either he was screaming in terror during that or he really wanted us to have a good day.][OMJ: So for any of you survivors out there, you know what to drink afterwards to calm the nerves. ] The announcer booth falls over due to the Lobster snapping it. [Jjs: GET THE ANNOUNCER!][OMJ: RIP] Spongebob says," Is that some mutated Lobster or something?!" [Jjs: You live in the ocean, seeing giant lobsters shouldn't be a fucking shock, especially with giant ones like Larry. Speaking of Larry, I'm honestly surprised I didn't put him in this chapter at all. Talk about a wasted opportunity, something this spin-off does numerous times.][OMJ: So it's NOT Larry?!] It roars and grabs a girl fish from Team Victory and drags her into the sand while moving under it. [Jjs: Holy run-on action, Batman!][OMJ: Don't think I don't know what you're doing under there. ] It jumps out form [Grammar Police: Did you mean: from] under the sand and rips open a tent and goes through it. [Jjs: And and and and-] Squidward opens it and Spongebob says," They are gone!" [OMJ: Like, just it going under the sand by itself is a good enough getaway as it is, what was the point of it ripping open a random tent (with nobody in it, from the gist I'm getting) and then choosing to, I assume, going under the sand that was underneath the tent?] Officer Nancy arrives in her police boat. [Jjs: Back to just Nancy after the previous chapter dared to show another officer. Seriously, does the Bikini Bottom Police Department have the worst possible budget? I imagine a giant lobster attacking Goo Lagoon would warrant a few officers to investigate. It seems like they really only can afford one officer and boat.][OMJ: I guess all those years of incompetence has finally caught up to 'em.] Skipper Shellener appears. Squidward says," The inventor of Skipper's Seaside Water!" [OMJ: ALRIGHT ALREADY!] He says," Ah yes, nice to meet you." Sandy says," You have to do something about that creature!" [OMJ: Um, isn't that your civic duty as one of the main characters of this spin-off?] [Jjs: Why the hell would Sandy think this guy can do anything about the monster? He's just an ordinary salesman, not a fucking cop or detective.] He says," Ha, ha. Young lady, nobody is sure what they saw. Could have been a mutated Lobster, or could have been a real ugly Lobster who should be drinking my Water. [OMJ: Or some badly written antagonist dressed up in a costume that they bought at the party store.][Jjs: Just throw in some more winks and nudges while you're at it, you pompous asshole. I also should probably point out...aren't they all underwater as it is, so why would they need to drink some douche's water if they can already breathe it...? Just a minor detail I didn't think all the way through, like many other things in this spin-off.] Officer Nancy says," Well, it is clear something did happen here. [Jjs: You don't say?!?! Thanks for that stunning observation, chief.] [OMJ: Yeah, and might I suggest that you get the coroner to take the net away to run some forensics analysis, or are you the coroner too?] I'll put an investigation into it. Stay out of it kids." [Jjs: Okay, mom.][OMJ: But it's their civic duty as main characters of this spin-off to not stay out of it. After three episodes, you'd think she'd get this by now. How is she running this department by herself?] Captain Skully [Jjs: literally who][OMJ: What, gonna introduce a Lieutenant Mulder next while you're still hot?] walks by and says," Darn Monster!" [Jjs: ...And the award for the Most Out of Nowhere Introduction for a New Character goes to...][OMJ: Totally the monster right here, his poor attempt at creating fake friction with it just gave it away.] Sandy points to a locker and she says," Look, there is sand spilling out of that locker!" The Label on it says Vendell. [Jjs: Why would Vendell have a locker if he's just an ice cream salesmen, and presumingly doesn't always stay at Goo Lagoon? If I was going to copy SDMI, I should've bothered copying it all the way if I wanted its scenarios to make sense.] Sandy says," He is mad at them for moving his ice cream stand, it could be a perfect motive for wanting to ruin the match." [Jjs: Disguising yourself as a giant lobster to ruin a tournament just because of an ice cream cart being moved would be a pretty batshit crazy and what the hell motivation, but considering Scooby-Doo itself has some pretty out there motivations, I guess we can't rule it out.][OMJ: Vendell's definitely the Jolly Olly Man.] Spongebob then begins to set up a trap. He says," When the Man Lobster [Jjs: Man Lobster, Lobster Man, or A Giant Lobster Creature? Pick a name, you vile fiend!] steps on this trigger, a pad will appear underneath him and dunk him into that pot!" [OMJ: Which was personally provided by jjs since he was clearly on it during the making of this spin-off?] Patrick is sitting behind a rock, ready for the Man Lobster to appear. He them smells the smell of frozen ice cream. [Jjs: And floats away because why not.][OMJ: So, just ice cream.] He begins to walk forward and Gary meows at him. He steps on the trigger! He goes flying into the pot. [OMJ: Yeah, I think that was what he was really smelling.] [Jjs: Wah wah wah. Patrick messing up their trap is at least believable.] Then, the Man Lobster appears from beneath the sand and roars. Sandy says," The trap isn't working!" [Jjs: When Patrick gets stuck in the pot, I imagine that'd happen. Seriously, why does Sandy seem to have a nut for a brain in this chapter?][OMJ: Because she's a squirrel!] Patrick says," Help!" [Jjs: Say that a little louder, I still got sand in my ears.][OMJ: Leave that dumbass trapped and helpless. Always fucking shit up.] The Lobster jumps in front of Sandy and grabs her, dragging her beneath the sand! Spongebob says," Sandy!" He starts digging into the sand over and over. He says," I have to get her back!" [Jjs: And there's a """subtle""" hint for a Spandy shipping that comes out of nowhere. Even if you like this shipping, hate to break your hearts, but it doesn't go anywhere at all in the spin-off, much like many other things coming up.][OMJ: Still don't think that I don't know what they're doin' underneath there. ] Squidward says," Come on, relax." [Jjs: Yeah, she knows karate, I think she'll be fine.][OMJ: Yeah, it's not like she can't breathe underneath there, she's still got her helmet.] They then go to the Krusty Krab and Spongebob is digging at the floor. [OMJ: I'm sure that'll be coming out of his paycheck.][Jjs: THE BOOTS, THE BOOTS! THEY'RE RIGHT HERE, UNDERNEATH THE FLOORBOARDS!] Squidward slaps spongebob [Jjs: Thank you.] and says," Snap out of it! We will get her back!" [Jjs: Then devise a plan or something?][OMJ: Yeah, instead of taking it out mercilessly on the floorboards, the true innocent party here.] Someone knocks and Gary pushes open the door. He sees a letter from Mr. N. [Jjs: Damn, Mr. N must have Sonic speed if he can knock and bail this fast without being seen.][OMJ: Well, it was Gary who answered the door and he is most definitely a snail whenever he chooses to move like one.] Patrick picks it up and opens it. Squidward says," Hey, there is an old news article in here. It has to deal with some missing kids, and about Vendell's ice cream stand being moved. This is way back from 2006." [Jjs: Poor Vendell and his unjustly moved ice cream stands. This is a true social issue we need to fight for.][OMJ: #Vendell'sCartMatters] An audio tape falls out of the letter. It has a blue cover and a Green N stamp on it. [Jjs: What, did he make a mixtape?] Spongebob throws it at the wall [Jjs: I wouldn't want to hear a mixtape from someone named "Mr. N" either.][OMJ: Way to trash what could be your one and only lead to getting your puhhh back, son.] and Squidward manages to catch it. He says," Don't break it you fool!" [Jjs: Thank you again.] He inserts the tape into a recorder in Mr. Krab's office. It starts playing and Mr. N says from the audio," Hello children. [Jjs: Once again, not children.][Mr. N: You have exactly one more paragraph to make this episode more interesting or the poison coursing through your bodies shall cause you to release pheromones, thereby igniting the flammable liquid that has been slathered on you, which will then serve to activate the bomb collars you've been wearing throughout this entire episode, which you have failed to notice up til now. Get good or get cancelled, Gare & The Gang, make your choice.][OMJ: Now that is how you make a trap.] As you may know from the article, this isn't the first time people have disappeared from Goo Lagoon. Fun fact: Certain caves run beneath Goo Lagoon. Worth looking into, don't you think? Heh heh." The tape pops out before he finishes his laughing. [Jjs: Subtle.][OMJ: For a bunch of "mystery solvers", they sure need help to solve these mysteries a lot. Does Mr. N walk them through on how to wipe their own asses too?] The gang goes to the Goo Lagoon again. [Jjs: Of course, where else could they have possibly gone after that tape outright told them where to go?][OMJ: The Goo Lagoon Town, home of the Goo Lagoons.] They walk around for a while and Squidward finds a path to a cave. [Jjs: Squidward is honestly the MVP of this chapter so far.][OMJ: Yeah, he did that all by himself! Someone's earned a special sticker!] There are wooden planks covering the cave. Patrick breaks one and they enter the cave. [OMJ: I'll give SpongeBob, Squidward and Gary the benefit of the doubt, but no way is Patrick's thick ass getting through after removing just ONE plank.] Squidward says," Hey, this is the same cave we were in when we faced that Ice Cream Monster, which was The Professor! [Jjs: I thought it was "Blue Slime Creature", not "Ice Cream Monster". What's up with all the changing monster names in this chapter?][OMJ: Hey, if I wanted to have my hand held through the somehow overarching story, I would go to Mr. N, thank you very much!] The Old Bikini Bottom caves must be connected here too." Spongebob says," I don't care who did it, I just want Sandy back. Her voice sounds as sweet as Me eating a Krabby Patty!" [Jjs: ...I don't know if Sandy's voice and SpongeBob eating a Krabby Patty are exactly comparable, but sure?][OMJ: Well, at least it isn't as sweet as him loving a Krabby Patty. That'd be a freaky ass voice.] Patrick then shines his flashlight at a long set of wodden stairs. [Grammar Police: Did you mean: wooden] Squidward says," What Man Lobster would need stairs?" [Jjs: They're very nice stairs, though.][OMJ: I'm sure Larry wouldn't appreciate that generalization if he were here, especially since he's a health nut and everything.] Patrick says," One that is very nervous about climbing up walls?" [OMJ: This may as well be his motivation at this point. "Roar! I use stairs and burrow through sand because I'm very nervous to climb up walls! Fear me!" It'd be less petty than Vendell's motive at least.] They then follow the help sound. [OMJ: What a couple of sociopaths.][Jjs: I didn't even know someone was crying "Help!". That's what I get for paying attention to the nice stairs instead of anything else.] They find Sandy, Harold, Nancy and some other girl in a steel cage. [Jjs: Right now, I just feel plain bad for "some other girl" getting robbed of a name or any relevance.][OMJ: Tonight, watch as Sandy, Harold, Nancy and some other girl battle it out in a 15 FOOT HIGH STEEL CAGE!] Sandy says," Spongebob, your here to rescue us!" Squidward uses his clarinet to pick the lock. [Jjs: Note to self: Clarinets can now be used to pick locks.][OMJ: At least he's good with it as SOMETHING.] Spongebob says," Ooh, this cage is nice." [Jjs: You finally see your apparently beloved Sandy again, and that's your reaction, asshole? Seriously, what the hell is up with the characterizations of SpongeBob and Sandy in this one? I assume I was trying to copy Fred's trap obsession, but it makes zero sense here because it's literally forced, nor did SpongeBob show any crazy obsession with traps beforehand in the spin-off.][OMJ: He probably wants to know what brand it is for some bondage later.] Just then, the Lobster Man [Jjs: Oh, so NOW I want to call him that, when we're nearing the end.] roars and throws the cage into a wall. Everyone scrams! Spongebob picks up Gary and runs off with patrick. [Jjs: About time SpongeBob decides to pick up Gary instead of making Patrick do his dirty work.] The Man Lobster [Jjs: It was fun while it lasted.][OMJ: More names than ACS at this rate.] roars and bursts through walls. Spongebob and Patrick run up the wooden stairs and the Man Lobster chases after them. It falls through and bursts back up and jabs its small claws into the wood. [OMJ: Small claws? They were giant earlier in the ep.] It grabs a hold of a plank [Jjs: Plank from Ed, Edd n' Eddy in a cameo.] and jumps back up and crushes some more stairs. Spongebob and Patrick push through the trapdoor and run up the beach. The man Lobster chases them. The stairs break. [Jjs: Wow. I'm on the edge of my seat.][OMJ: Wow, the stairs break after I had already thought that the stairs broke. You don't see this kind of action and heart-pounding excitement in Storm Racers.] Squidward says," Everyone, go back the way we came in!" Nancy, Harold and everyone else follows him. [Jjs: I love how Sandy and "some other girl" were reduced to "everyone else".][OMJ: I know the Moth Lobster Man threw the cage earlier, but it wasn't clarified that it was enough to actually break the cage, thus inadvertently freeing the prisoners. Just something I thought I'd nitpick.] Spongebob and Patrick are hidden behind Vendell's ice cream cart. The Man Lobster appears from behind it and roars. [OMJ: What, they couldn't see the Moth Lobster Man hiding right next to them? I know this is vintage Scooby Doo, but I would still bring it up!] He chases them some more and Spongebob and Patrick shudder in fear. The Man Lobster than steps on the trigger and goes flying into the pot! [OMJ: Lucky bastard...] It's claws break off, revealing to be a robot suit! Sandy, Gary and Squidward appear. [Jjs: I thought SpongeBob was holding Gary the whole time during the chase.] Squidward says," I see Vendell isn't around again, or are you!" [Jjs: I'm imagining Squidward saying this line in his crazy voice from Squid's Day Off, makes this very amusing. Also, probably could've added a question mark to make it seem a little more suspenseful, but I guess that wouldn't have mattered because...] Vendell then appears and says," Back from the bathroom!" [Jjs: Damn, how long were you in there? I hope you didn't hold up the line like Bubble Buddy.][OMJ: That's something I'd yell out in a room full of strangers too.] Vendell says," And what is that?" He pulls off the Man Lobster head [OMJ: ummm wtf, none of the actual gang gets to even do the unmasking?] [Jjs: I guess this really shows how competent our heroes are if the random ice cream vendor beats them to the punch of unmasking the villain.] and Captain Skully is in it! [Jjs: Of course, it was the guy who only appeared once in the entire chapter with us knowing absolutely nothing about them! What a true twist!][OMJ: Somebody really should answer that phone! Because I FUCKING CALLED IT- and that really isn't something for me to be proud about. I apologize, don't answer that phone.] Patrick then rips off Captain Skully's mask and it is actually the Team Victory member Tyler! [Jjs: ...So, a character we never saw pretended to be a character we knew nothing about? I'm sure there was a point in here somewhere? Also, not sure how Patrick even knew "Skully" had a mask on. Or maybe he didn't know at all, and just felt like ripping his face off for the hell of it. I'll go with the latter knowing Patrick.][OMJ: Yeah, 2010!you can't antagonist or develop characters. At least we're back to the status quo of having just one person on the police force.] Patrick says," Tyler wasn't at the match because he was too busy getting his Man Lobster suit on. He-" [Jjs: I'm honestly shocked Patrick deduced this instead of Sandy. Seriously, what the hell was I doing back in fall 2010?] Tyler says," Ok, Ok! I wanted revenge on my team. [Jjs: Aha, there's the title!] I was tired of them pushing me around like nothing, [Jjs: Too bad we never saw any of that ourselves.] so it took me hours to create the Man Lobster suit. I pretended to be a fake person known as Captain Skully to throw suspicion away from me. [Jjs: If anything, I'd be more suspicious since we knew literally nothing about your fake persona.][OMJ: You'd think Officer Nancy would've noticed something that glaring, especially given the fact she's the only person on the force.] I also hid my costume in a locker big enough to hold it, putting Vendell's name over it instead of mine." [Jjs: Okay, well, at least that explains the absurdness of an ice cream vendor having a beach locker. I'll give my past self credit for at least bothering to explain that.][OMJ: It's still a pretty half-assed way of going about things, unless he was well aware of Vendell's ill will towards the teams and did that to get a measure of revenge on him as well. Which I honestly doubt and he probably just put the name of the first person he saw.] Sandy says," Wouldn't it have been easier if you just..Fought back at them?" [Jjs: Yeah, grow a spine, pussy!][OMJ: Yay violence!] Tyler says," Are you kidding? I am weak! I created the system of stairs to kidnap people. [Jjs: Not weak enough to create nice stairs and a fucking robot lobster suit, apparently.][OMJ: Then how did you even make it on a sports team at all. Look at Sandy, she's built a rocket, among many other asinine inventions, yet she's still strong! You just need to put all those villainous ambitions more towards the weights! Which you'll have ample time for in prison.] I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids [Jjs: There it is, he said it folks! I'll even forgive the use of "kids" just because there's something charming about seeing this iconic line.][OMJ: Kid please, they're older than you based off your middle school problems alone.] digging into my Lobster themed revenge plan." [OMJ: Sounding like some goddamn Spider-Man villain.] They all go back to the Krusty Krab. [OMJ: Now with less floorboards.] [Jjs: Wow, what a quick way to send-off such an irrelevant character. Yeah, stuff like this really shows how rushed this was.] Squidward shows Sandy the Old News Article. [Jjs: More like belongs in the trash.][OMJ: That has to be a real newspaper publication.] She says," Hey, 2 of those kids are on the silver pendant picture!" She opens it up. Spongebob says," Good work! But why did they disappear..? Looks we got another mystery on our hands!" Mr. Krabs hears them from inside his office and looks away oddly. [Jjs: More foreshadowing to the Mr. Krabs Jones plot that never goes anywhere. Hooray for planning, once again. This was honestly a...weird chapter. I did not do a good job copying anything from the SDMI episode this is based on. From SpongeBob and Sandy's weird characterizations, to being riddled with odd and irrelevant details, to not being able to decide on a name for my own villain, to the "clever" subtly, to random characters appearing once and not doing anything...yeah, this was one I'm pretty sure I rushed out. Also, be sure to buy Skipper's Seaside Water. *grins awkwardly at the camera and winks*][OMJ: *finishes riffing and looks away oddly* Yeah, that shit was whack.] 5. Robot Rumble Spoiler 5. Robot Rumble: [Rusty: Let's get ready to RUMBLE!] [Metal Snake: Are the Rark from Storm Racers going to be involved?] Plot : It is a nice day at Tech Palace. Tech Palace is a place that sells many Technology themed items, such as computers and TV. [Rusty: I think I know what technology is, thank you.] [Metal Snake: What, is that their strategy for competing with Best Buy? I’m not impressed. Unless the “robot rumble” involves the battle of internet vs. TV and people pay to watch the internet pummel the Technology themed crap out of television.] Ted Computerman, [Metal Snake: Austin Layers and Cop Man Jim found another new friend. ] [Rusty: It's a Byte! It's a Drive! NO! IT'S COMPUTERMAN!] the boss of the store is walking around. He says to 2 fish," I hope you are enjoying our fine products." [Rusty: I'm not, fuck you very much.] [Metal Snake: “Oh yeah, and if you break it, you buy it.”] Just then, a loud explosion occurs! [Metal Snake: “Also, if anything suddenly explodes, you buy it.”] [Rusty: *insert mixtape joke here*] A robotic figure appears. It is blue and white. It zooms up with a jetpack on its back. The wings are blue and white. [Metal Snake: Thank you for letting us know twice, Chief of the Chief Redundancy Department. You could’ve at least added “red” to the color mix to show us your dedication to serving the country.] [Rusty: The body is blue and White, the flag is blue and white. It's from Finland.] It zooms through the air and laughs. It says in a robotic voice," Say good-bye to your store, you fools!" It launches a few bombs out and it makes some explosions in the store. A few shelves fall over. [Metal Snake: Honestly, that’s some surprisingly harmless damage for a terrorist bombing.] [Rusty: Unless the shelf crushed some 5 year old's arm.] The fish panic in fear. The robot laughs and it zaps a shock wave at the screen. [Metal Snake: What screen? My computer screen? My laptop’s working fine, thank you very mu- *laptop goes out* Why you-] Spongebob is at his house and he turns on the TV. He switches to the news station and a report is on about a crazed robot destroying Tech Palace. [Rusty: He. He. HE. HE, HEEEEEEEEEEEE.] He gasps. He calls Sandy, Squidward, and Patrick. Squidward is almost asleep. They go to Spongebob's house and Squidward yawns. He says," Did you need to call us this early?" [Metal Snake: When was it established that this was taking place in the early morning? In fact, Tech Palace (muffles laugh) being open seems to imply that this is taking place in the late morning or the afternoon. Is it open 24 hours a day? Elaborate, you vile fiend!] [Rusty: You don't know how precious Squidward's beauty sleep is!] Spongebob says," But this is urgent! Tech Palace was destroyed by some robot!" Patrick says," No! That is where I bought my TV!" [Metal Snake: “Now I can’t make my return!”] [Rusty: BUT WORLD OF GLOVES IS NO AIRING TODAI] They get into the Mystery Boat and drive off to Tech Palace. There is steam coming out of the building and a wall is smashed. Items are everywhere on the floor. Ted appears and says," Thank goodness you are here! I have heard you are experts at solving mysteries." Sandy looks around and finds a damaged piece of the robot's jet wing. She says," A clue! Well, sort of.." [Metal Snake: “It’s just not the same without Blue’s paw print on it…”] [Rusty: Now all I need is my Handy Dandy Notebook...] Ted says," I have a feeling that it was a worker from Computer Castle who did it.." Then, a female fish named Dendra [Rusty: Apparently "Dendra" is a name. Cool.] appears who is a worker there and says," Now, now Ted. Don't go jumping to conclusions. Now, I need to get back to cleaning up the mess." [Metal Snake: The lack of realism here is so much lel. As someone who has worked in a store, I know for a fact that maintenance workers don’t tend to be concerned about a manager’s suspicions on who caused a mess, especially if they’re suspecting someone who doesn’t even work in the store. They tend to be concerned about the extra stress about having to clean up the mess.] [Rusty: Fuck you Del, I'm switching to Acer and there's nothing you can do about it!] Patrick whispers to Spongebob and says," I think she did it.." Spongebob then says," You shouldn't jump to conclusions either Patrick." Squidward falls asleep on a pile of smashed Videos. [Metal Snake: Videos? When did this store turn into Blockbuster?] [Rusty: When did this time period turn into 2002?] Sandy kicks him and says," Wake up!" [Rusty: Lead boots can kill. This is a public information film.] Spongebob explores around the store and bumps into another worker named Zin. [Metal Snake: Another worker with a name that’s missing zing. Zing!] [Rusty: Oh, hi Daggett's voice.] He says," Oh hello there. I am new here. I need to clean up this mess. I wonder why someone would do this.." Spongebob walks outside and Sandy is there. Gary meows and smells something. There is a trail of oil leaking towards Computer castle. [Metal Snake: Oil? Uh...oil is a serious fire hazard. And this is a store that was just recently bombarded with explosions… O_O] [Rusty: It's just Krab's security system.] Sandy says," Another clue.." [Rusty: Put it in the notebook!] They enter Computer Castle. The place is buzzing with fish. Clark Chip, [Rusty: Are they related to Chip Skylark?] the owner welcomes them. He says," Hmm, I wonder what is happening at Tech Palace. That Poor Ted.." [Metal Snake: Is that what they’re calling the sitcom based around his life?] [Rusty: Ted the Teddy Bear?] Patrick and Squidward are still at Tech Palace. Just then, the robot appears again! [Metal Snake: Oh no! It is the Runaway Sponge!] It laughs and shoots laser at the floor. [Rusty: HADOOKEN also, LAZERS OR A LAZER] Ted panics in fear and Patrick picks up Squidward who is sleeping and runs. The robot growls and zaps the 2 of them. They are stunned. Squidward wakes up and gasps. [Rusty: Is this chapter boring Squidward too?] He throws his clarinet at the robot, which just bangs into the armor and drops to the floor. The clarinet breaks! [Metal Snake: DUN DUN DUN Like seriously, why-] [Rusty: OH NO HIS CLARINET] "You fools really think that would do anything?" the robot said in the robotic voice. [Metal Snake: Yeah, what he said, why is that being made out to be a surprise, or something that’s supposed to excite us? Appropriate punctuation is important? No!] [Rusty: does not compute *explodes*] It slams its robot hand to the floor and it makes the floor static with electricity. Patrick, Squidward, Ted and some others get out of the place quickly. The robot zaps the front sliding doors and they explode. [Metal Snake: The front sliding doors that were somehow in the way? He’s that impatient that he can’t even wait a literal second for sliding doors?] [Rusty: ZOMG EXPLODING DOORS] It then flys away, but Squidward grabs some rope in the back of The Mystery Machine and twirls it around and around and catches the robot's jet wings with it. [Rusty: Shouldn't Sandy be the one using rope to catch something instead of Squidward? You know, since she has experience in that and all? No? Oh well. *whistles*] Patrick says," Why is that in there?" "For emergencies!" [Rusty: Or sheer convenience, whichever works to your benefit.] Squidward said. He struggles and the robot burns the rope with the fire from the jet wings. The rope burns to ash and the robot flys away. [Rusty: And then the robot springs a leak, but he patched it up and he flies away.] [Metal Snake: ...So what was the purpose of that scene? He tries to catch the robot with a rope...and it doesn’t work. And that’s it. Never thought I’d quote the Nostalgia Critic in these riffs again, but… “This has been another...POINTLESS MOMENT.”] Spongebob and Sandy arrive and say," Guys, did you-" Squidward says," Yes, I just tried to catch it! But it got away." Just then, Gary notices a package in the back of The Mystery boat. It is stamped with The N stamp, meaning it is from Mr. N. [Rusty: It's Hugh Neutron. I figured it out.] Squidward opens it, but is crying that his Clarinet broke. Inside of the package is a medium sized circular object. It has a blue button on it. Sandy presses it and it releases a sound wave! Sandy says," O..k then, I guess this will help us." [Metal Snake: So the purpose of Squidward getting a rope from the back of the boat...was just to convince the gang to investigate the back of the boat to find something that would actually move the plot along. Even lulzier, only NOW does Squidward start crying about his clarinet breaking. Does he have a mood disorder, or is he crying about the lack of effort put into describing this “medium sized circular object”?] Spongebob says," I have a plan." Patrick is outside of Tech palace with a Computer. He says," I love this computer! Tech Palace is better than Computer Castle!" He waves it in the air and the robot swoops down and attacks him. [Rusty: SUPRISE BEYACH] [Metal Snake: ...I did not edit this. This is how the transition actually happens. “I HAVE A PLAN”, and then boom, put your computer in the air while Megatron attacks from above.] It circles around zooming by fast. Sandy says," Now!" Spongebob presses the button and releases a sound wave at the robot. It starts to spark. The robot groans and says," Graah!" He presses it again and it sparks again. He presses once more. The jet starts to break and the robot then collapses into a garbage container, which Spongebob had planned. [Metal Snake: Yes, he planned for it to collapse into the conveniently placed garbage container that just appeared. I can tell this was written before Jjs understood the importance of build-up.] They open the container and they unmask the robot. The robot is Zin! Ted appears and says," Zin, why?!" Zin says," I am from Computer Castle, duh. [Metal Snake: No, you were the easiest suspect to make the culprit, duh.] [Rusty: duh...I have nothing *explodes*] I went undercover to get inside info on Tech palace. That is what Clark sent me to do. But that fool was being a coward and told me to stop. I refused. So then, I stole technology parts from Computer Castle and created this robot suit. My plan was to destroy both stores! With both out of the way, I could do what I, Yes I wanted to do. [Metal Snake: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA Don’t even start with me. You resorted to criminal activity and terrorism and put yourself out of a job...over learning the sad truth that a lot of store managers are assholes and cowardly, fickle ones at that. First of all, welcome to the real world. Second, more importantly, you built a robot suit out of mechanical parts that you can buy at a store. I don’t think a crappy retail job is your thing, man. Just imagine putting “expertise in mechanical engineering” on your application to work at Target. If you really wanted to just “do what you wanted to do”, you could have just quit!] I was tired of the stupid plans, Tired of the stupid arguments! I would have been able to throw more damage if it Wasn't for you meddling kids." [Metal Snake: No, “And your stupid snail!”? Now that is when you know Jjs dropped the ball.] [Rusty: They could substitute a fox. Oh yeah, I'm a fox now.] Zin is then taken away by officer Nancy. [Rusty: At least this time jjs capitalized Nancy, but now poor "officer" gets the short end of the stick.] Ted says," Looks like I have some cleaning up to do. And I need to be more careful on my workers.." Just then, Dendra appears with something in her fin. It is Squidward's clarinet. Squidward crys tears of joy and takes it from her. He says," Thank you, Thank You, Thank you!" His clarinet is fixed. [Metal Snake: No shit, you’re a little late on that clarification, no pun intended. We already had it figured out that Squidward has not gone completely insane.] [Rusty: At least someone is happy.] She says," We needed someway to repay you for helping us." Ted then says," Now, anyone want to help fix all of this?" [Rusty: I won't. Now, hopefully it won't take me two days to write these things. Again. *wags my space suited tail* Stop that. *wagging stops*] [Metal Snake: So much for repaying them, eh? Way to pull the rug out on them at the last second, that’s messed up. But then again, so is this show. It’s bad in a harmless way, and some of its flaws are forgivable due to it being written seven freaking years ago, but it still lacks any kind of identity or luster. Makes me no less excited to riff the Yu-Gi-Oh! episodes, however. ] Edited February 6, 2018 by jjsthekid 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Biden Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 I absolutely love how the quotation marks for this spin-off always comes after the punctuation instead of the dialogue. I also love how Episode 4 was mostly a shill for Skipper's Seaside Water. Now I feel like buying some. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted August 22, 2017 Share Posted August 22, 2017 The riffs for Episode 4 were my favorite, even though you guys missed out on a perfect opportunity for a "ROCK LOBSTER" joke. DX 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpongeOddFan Posted August 24, 2017 Share Posted August 24, 2017 Now I wonder what's Skipper response to this product placement in MG universe xD Anyways, awesome riffs, guys. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted September 5, 2017 Author Share Posted September 5, 2017 (edited) Undersea Mysteries Incorporated 6. The Legend of Ginger Myers Spoiler 6. The Legend of Ginger Myers: [Katniss: The legend of some random character we've never heard of and probably still won't know much about by the end of this. Fun!] [Rusty: Where's Kirk Fogg?] [Steel: A better question is, where's Olmec to tell us all about this legend?] [Hayden: ] Plot : One night, at the Fancy! restaurant, a chef is in the kitchen. He is making a delicious pizza. [Steel: Oh no! ATTWL 3 flashbacks] [Hayden: No one is going to challenge just how delicious? That's just the worldly consensus?] A girl fish appears, whose name is Ginger. [Rusty: But is she a ginger?] [Hayden: It doesn't matter if she's ginger as long as there's more to her than boobs like in Down Under.] [Steel: Off-topic, but I'd like to thank Jjs for making these separate lines, because it only took me a while to realize that most of these episodes had big blocks of text. The fact that I used to really like this spin-off in spite of that kinda goes to show that I was too sweet on this.] The Chef says," Hello, Ginger! How many orders did you take?" She replies," 8. Let's go outside real quick." [Hayden: Those 8 tables are in for a long night...] The chef fish says," Why?" [Steel: Someone once told her the grass is much greener on the other side.] She says," Just come!" [Katniss: Because when someone makes you go outside with them, you don't question it.] [Rusty: I have something cool!] [Steel: "Just come!" Yeah, I don't think I'm ever going to get over that line.] [Hayden: Maybe all Ginger's in SBC works have the slut curse.] She has blond hair, and a orange shirt. [Rusty: She isn't a ginger? Color me shocked, or orange like her shirt.] They are both outside. The girl says," You know, I have a confession to make. This isn't the first time I have worked at a restaurant.." [Katniss: Ooh, scandalous!] [Hayden: ] The chef says," What do you mean, miss?" She then rips off what appears to have been a mask on her face and a demon like face appears. She says," Come with me..We will have lots of fun together! Gah ha ha ha!" [Rusty: HAPPY HALLOWEEN FISH!] [Katniss: ...well that sure escalated quickly. And "gah ha ha ha"? I'm pretty sure nobody laughs like that.] [Hayden: How was the previous line about prior employment experiences a lead-up to that?] [Steel: The Legend of Ginger Myers Written by M. Night Shyamalan.] The chef screams," Ahhhhh!" His frying pan drops to the ground. [Steel: Oh no, I just turned my frying pan into a dying pan! Sorry not sorry.] [Hayden: ....Why did he bring the frying pan outside?] The next day, Spongebob is at the Krusty Krab. There is a banner inside saying: "Undersea Dance Tonight!" [Hayden: Why do they need to label it as Undersea? Kind of a basic given life for them.] Mr. Krabs says," This dance is going to be a hit lads!" [Rusty: hooo-rah] Squidward says," Meh." [Katniss: You and I are on the same page, Squidward.] [Hayden: Gotta flip that reaction emote on.] [Steel: hello, as you can see, I am an Emoji: a "meh."] Spongebob hangs up some posters saying: "The Krusty Krab Undersea Dance Tonight! From 7:00 PM to 9:30 PM. And the snacks are NOT Free." [Hayden: But free food is the only reason to attend a social gathering.] Squidward says," And the point of this Dance is..?" [Rusty: Probably something to do with MONEY.] Mr. Krabs replies," To get more mon-I mean customers! It will help people socialize and raise us some cash to help rebuild Tech Palace after it got destroyed (Previous episode)!" [Katniss: Thanks for clarifying to SpongeBob and Squidward that this happened in the previous episode. I'm sure they would be very confused otherwise.] [Rusty: That reminds me of when I became this fox form. (Previous episode)] [Steel: R.I.P. Tech Palace.] [Hayden: Did Mr. Krabs actually say previous episode? Because it was inside the quotation marks.] Just then, a girl walks through the front doors. She says," Hi, my name is Ginger. I saw you were hiring for 1 new worker. May I sign up?" Squidward says," Could it be..? Someone FINALLY wants to work at the Krusty Krab?!" [Katniss: I know that Squidward gets annoyed while working with SpongeBob but calm down, dude.] [Hayden: That's a contradiction since someone that wants to be working there is yellow and right in his face.] Mr. Krabs gives her some papers to sign. She says," My name is Ginger Myers, to be exact." . [Rusty: Fish of Mike Myers.] [Hayden: What's Myers is yours.] [Steel: Michael Myer's pet...saltwater fish.] She fills out the papers and hands them to Mr. Krabs. He gives her a worker hat and he says," Welcome to the crew! Ask Spongebob or Squidward for some help." [Katniss: “Don’t ask your boss for anything! Time is money…and you’re wastin’ me time.”] She says," Glad to be here." [Ginger: Because I'm so bland.] Spongebob gives her a tour. He says," This is the bathroom." [Rusty: That was fast.] [Hayden: You can get accepted to any workplace in the time it takes for a pee break.] Then he walks over to Mr. Krab's Office. He says," That is Mr. Krab's Office. The Secret formula is in there!" [Katniss: SpongeBob may be secretly a little bit naïve, but no way would he be dumb enough to show a new employee exactly where the secret formula is.] [Steel: This is where Mr. Krabs keeps his secret formula, do not touch his secret formula.] [Hayden: Seems like this will come up again. Is this a nefarious deed of Plankton's or is Ginger going to be one of the first non-Plankton characters to ever give a shit about that recipe?] After a few more minutes, he finishes up the tour at the Kitchen. He explains that Squidward will put the order on that hanger in the window and Spongebob will start cooking. Mr. Krab's walks in and says," Y'know, Ginger, You would be an excellent Waitress!" [Hayden: So he didn't even have a position in mind to be hiring for until just then?] [Rusty: I feel like I'm back in 70's British Ad World. You know, with all the sexism. Or maybe I'm just jumping the gun.] [Steel: All we need now is a scene where Ginger lectures the Krusty Krew about the "wage gap" and equal pay.] She says," Sure." [Steel: Yeah, and there's absolutely nothing strange about a demonic character in disguise of someone that's blander than a box of Bran Flakes who didn't even go over her experience as a Waitress with a capital "W."] The day is over. Squidward says to Spongebob," Hey Spongebob, I think there is something fishy about that girl.." [Katniss: Well she's a fish, so let's give Squidward a round of applause for his excellent deduction. But seriously, at this point, is there anything to be suspicious about? She's acting fairly normal.] [Steel: Squidward is at least aware about it though.] [Hayden: Squidward is used to a higher level of obnoxious energy from the caricatures that surround him.] They hide under a table. She then walks into the Storage room. She has a key in her fin and unlocks what appears to be a trapdoor in it. She walks down into it. [Rusty: She goes, step by step.] [Hayden: Apparently, she didn't need a tour.] Squidward says," Hmm.." Before they can get up, it closes. The next day, Spongebob is in the kitchen. He then hears some tapping from a door behind him. Squidward is outside. He opens the door and comes outside to the back of the Krusty Krab. Squidward grabs spongebob and they both jump into the Garbage container. [Katniss: More like, “belongs in the trash.” ] He says," Spongebob, something is getting too suspicous about that girl.." [Katniss: So far, all you know is that she went down some random trapdoor. Slow down there, Sherlock Squid.] [Hayden: The better mystery for Sherlock Squid to unravel is why a trapdoor needs a key to open.] [Rusty: I'm more suspicious on the fact I don't know if that sentence is grammatically correct.] [Steel: Feels like I just read that only a few sentences ago.] She then walks by. Spongebob then says," Come on Squidward, give her a chance." [Hayden: ] They both get out of the garbage container. Just then, a loud screaming sound fills the air. Squidward says," D-Did you hear that?" [Katniss: Nah, SpongeBob has a hearing problem. Because that’s the only way he wouldn’t be able to hear loud screaming when he’s right next to you.] [Steel: The blandness of this story should be giving as much away to SpongeBob by now.] Just then, a scary looking female fish soars across the sky. She has a scaryy white face and ripped clothes. She screams and bursts into the Garbage container. [Rusty: That's gotta Hurt.] [Hayden: What? Is she searching for more ripped clothes in there?] [Steel: Very scaryy indeed.] Spongebob says," Run!" She chases them and screams some more. [Rusty: Intense.] Squidward and Spongebob both run inside the Krusty Krab. They are breathing hard. Mr. Krab's says," What is wrong?" [Hayden: Could've taken more liberty with how Krabs phrased that.] [Rusty: A monster ate your money.] Just then, Ginger Myers walks out of the Bathroom. She says," Hey guys, what is the matter?" [Steel: Oh boy, let me guess...] Squidward says," A crazy fish attacked us! And it was her!" [Katniss: Accusing her without any concrete proof? Bravo, Sherlock Squidward.] Ginger says," What..? I was in the bathroom." Mr. Krabs seems mad at Squidward. He says," Give her some respect! She is new!" Spongebob then starts to realize Squidward may be right and gets worried. [Katniss: That turnaround sure happened quickly.] [Steel: In case you haven't read my mind, this is the type of Cassandra Truth plot that you've probably read through numerous times already. No wonder this is so bland.] [Hayden: But why isn't it following the intended story beat? This is the part where Spongebob begins to doubt Squidward too and then Squidward has to prove it all by himself.] Ginger then asks Spongebob," Hey Spongebob, want to go to the Krusty Krab Dance?" [Katniss: This isn’t high school; they’re employees. Don’t they have to be there?] [Steel: I guess this is a high school sitcom now...] [Hayden: She's trying to get all up on Squidward's man.] Spongebob replies," I can't, sorry. I had pr-" [Katniss: Practice? Pruning your trees? Preseason? Pregnancy? Out with it, boy!] [Hayden: Presentations? Prom? Pranks? Pratfalls?] [Steel: Prearrangements? Problems? Proposals? Promiscuity? We could go on all day.] Just then, she walks out the 2 doors and walks off. [Rusty: Well, nice conversation Miss Bitch.] [Steel: I guess she had no reason to ask that question then if she's just going to bail on SpongeBob's response like that.] Spongebob says," Thanks for listening and understanding!" [Katniss: Listening and understanding what? She didn’t even stay to hear your excuse.] [Hayden: It's not a rejection if you cut it off before it's complete.] She then turns back and says," Oh, I understand. And so will you, soon enough.." [Hayden: ] [Rusty: She's gonna murder someone with a Violin.] [Steel: Watch out fellows, we got a Yandere over here.] The next night, Spongebob is at the Krusty Krab Dance. Squidward shows up in his tux and then just groans at a table. [Katniss: Jeez Squidward, what did that table ever do to you?] Sandy and Patrick appear. [Steel: *Teleported.] [Hayden: Hopefully as a couple so we can start the revolutionary Pandy/Satrick shipping.] [Rusty: Oh, it's magic!] Patrick says," So spongebob, who is this Ginger girl?" Sandy says," Yeah, I would like to know too.." [Katniss: Who cares? The real question is: where's Gary? *starts singing Gary Come Home*] [Hayden: Gary just didn't want to make the dance floor too slippery.] [Rusty: I did not even notice Gary was absent, and neither did jjs, it seems.] Spongebob says," A sneaky girl who I think might be evil.." [Katniss: I admire your bluntness, SpongeBob.] [Hayden: Women, right? *gets swat at by Katniss*] [Steel: I think we all know who our episode's villain is... Who else could it be other than The 3rd Worker?] Just then, a large screaming sound comes from the the front doors. All of the fish fear in panic. Just then, the evil ghost girl fish appears. She jumps up and laughs. She says," Saved a dance for me, Spongebob?!" [Rusty: Obvious Plot Point is obvious.] [Steel: *Insert riff about this riffer's lack of surprise here.*] [Hayden: Poor Squidward couldn't even be the object of a psycho fish's attention.] She laughs and scratches at the wooden poll. [Rusty: Aww, I wanted to see who was gonna win it. Thanks a lot, jerk.] The fish fear away in panic. [Hayden: One does not simply "fear away" from a fight.] Many run out of the Krusty Krab. She then jumps at Spongebob, and gets caught in some rope. Spongebob pulls on the rope and she gets hung up towards the ceiling. [Rusty: Too easy.] [Steel: Oh no a ghost- we captured it.] He says," I was prepared for you ghost fish! Or should I say.." He lowers the rope and she is still caught. He unmasks her and he says," Ginger!" She groans. [Steel: NO WAY.] [Katniss: Okay, hold up. When did SpongeBob set up this trap? Was it quickly conjured up by mermaid magic?] [Rusty: Nah, Kat. It was just bad writing.] [Hayden: Squidward and her have the same groan down.] She says," Fine, you caught me! My goal was too take you, yes you Down Spongebob! You caused the fall of The Fancy! restaurant! The main owner, my father was devastated when you left (From Le Big Switch). [Rusty: Exposition!] [Steel: If it's Down SpongeBob that you're looking for, then you just wasted all that time on the wrong guy.] [Hayden: Using established Spongebob episodes to make mysteries is partially clever. Too bad this twist doesn't even remotely get hinted at as a motivation until she asks Spongebob out. And even then, we're meant to assume the grudge is over something else entirely.] The restaurant lost many customers. I wanted to take your restaurant down, like you took my father's down! I created the ghost girl to scare you off." [Katniss: Really? I love how this reveal randomly comes about. Connect Ginger to someone in the show because...sure, why not. I guess that scene in the beginning was an attempt at foreshadowing but it didn't do the best job. And would her father’s restaurant really fall apart just because SpongeBob isn't working there anymore? From what I can remember of that episode, yeah the rich people loved the food but the place obviously had a number of rich clientele beforehand when they weren't selling Krabby Patties.] [Steel: Remember kids, don't ditch that fancy restaurant that you've been exchanged into, or else a ghost girl will come and haunt you for life.] Officer Nancy takes her away. [Rusty: With both words properly capitalized. Impressive. Perhaps there's hope yet...] Mr. Krabs says," And to think I trusted her.." [Steel: Weh weh weeeh.] [Hayden: ] [Katniss: Squidward is weirdly absent right now. You'd think he'd want to be more of a participant in her takedown considering how insistent he was that Ginger was evil. Or maybe he stopped caring, and I wouldn't blame him.] [Hayden: Yeah, I'm rather unimpressed that Squidward was set up as the leading man of this installment, and then Spongebob swoops in as Ginger's sworn enemy with his deus ex rope. Total letdown.] Just then, a book appears on the floor. [Hayden: ] There is a page bookmarked. Sandy opens it and on it, is a picture of a gang of fish who used to Work at the Krusty Krab. Sandy opens her pendant and says," It's them!" [Rusty: Wonder if that pendant has been exposed to air.] The boy fish is named Thedore J Fishon, the one girl is named Lindsey D. Janes, the other girl fish is named Martha E. Coral, the other boy fish was named Stu T. Maza and a pet named Scallop named Sammy the Scallop. [Katniss: These are some great names. Especially the pet named “Scallop named Sammy the Scallop”.] [Rusty: Played by Sammy the Scallop! *Full House Theme Plays*] [Hayden: One problem, most of Spongebob's gang don't work at the Krusty Krab. So they aren't following this legacy pattern.] [Steel: And they were never seen again since their show never got picked up for a second season.] Patrick says," But why did they disappear?" Ginger is in her jail cell. It then comes open. A mysterious figure appears in a black cloak. [Rusty: This is either a pardon or the last sit of the sex offender, and I'm all out of pardon papers.] He says," Has it been taken care of?" Ginger Myers says," Yep. Soon they will realize The owner of the Fancy! restaurant never had a daughter and will realize I lied in a few days. What was the point of this scheme though? I just had to leave that book behind." [M. Night Shyamalan: What a twist!] [Steel: Well, for once, the spin-off had me duped.] [Hayden: Wow, that actually waved away a few of my problems. But I'm sensing a wave back since this is biting off more than it'll chew later.] [Rusty: Cool, but one thing I'm scratching my head over... If her only purpose was to leave a Plot Device Book behind, what happened to the chef in the very beginning? Maybe I don't want to know.] The mysterious figure says,".. I am a part of the Phantom Trinity that Mr. N hired. I am the highest ranking member. Your job has been taken care of, so you will be long gone before then." [Rusty: Well it was nice (not) knowing you, Ginger.] [Hayden: Long gone where? Did she have to uproot her life for this stupid plan to transport a goddamn book?] She then walks away saying," Whatever." [Katniss: You and I are on the same page here, Ginger.] [Steel: Very solid response to scaring a whole restaurant before getting arrested and having to talk to some guy from the Phantom Trinity.] He then says," You need to know nothing of Mr. N's intentions." The Phantom Trinity Member then disappears in a cloud of smoke. [Hayden: Dweeb.] [Katniss: Ooh, how mysterious! I'm excited for this plot point about the Phantom Trinity to end up not having any impact at all! This plot had some potential. A mysterious force trying to drive business out of the Krusty Krab could've been an interesting mystery. But ultimately it crumbled in the execution. Especially with Ginger. Her motives could've been better established and I wish there was an effort to give her more of a character. The episode wasn't awful but I wouldn't exactly call it close to good, either. I won't be riffing again until the finale, so good luck, folks. *salutes*] [Rusty: The Reason why I post these late is because of School, and I'd much rather be in an English class, because this grammar is horrible.] [Steel: This episode was not very good. It was pretty bad in a boring kind of way. I can't believe I was so impressed by this spin-off ages ago.] [Hayden: Your extended absence will be felt, Katniss. Coming shortly, I'll be facing the music.] Edited October 15, 2017 by The Lich 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 You guys missed out on the perfect opportunity for an As Told by Ginger joke. DX (Previous comment) Okay, seriously, I'm not going to comment like that on every single riff from now on. I really liked Katniss' riffs and everyone did a good job breaking down what didn't work about the plot. I liked how there was finally a twist that genuinely surprised me at the end, but I didn't like how it surprised me for mostly the wrong reason, being accustomed to the predictability of this show. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel Sponge Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 46 minutes ago, Metal Snake said: You guys missed out on the perfect opportunity for an As Told by Ginger joke. DX (Previous comment) It's a good thing that I didn't this time: [Steel: Someone once told her the grass is much greener on the other side.] (Previous riff!) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted September 5, 2017 Author Share Posted September 5, 2017 Undersea Mysteries Incorporated 7. Musical Screams Spoiler 7. Musical Screams : Plot : Spongebob and co go to a Rock Concert! [Jjs: 1.) I love how the rest of the gang is just reduced to "co". Not even friends, team, or gang, just...co. 2.) Is the name of stadium literally "Rock Concert"? How creative. I guess that's fitting with how unoriginal and lazy this chapter is going to be.] [Rusty: "Musical Screams?" So many screamo jokes, so little time.] [Hayden: Let's just throw rocks at this episode and then leave.] Zeus the Guitar Lord and his new friends are playing there. They get seats in the Second row. [Jjs: Why would Zeus and his band get audience seats if they are performing? Or are they performing in the second row? Now that'd throw quite a spin on a concert.] [Hayden: "His new friends". Nice to see new friends can become bandmates that fast, and we know nothing about them.] [Rusty: At least he left the void of Public Access Television.] Gary was somehow allowed in there. [Jjs: "Somehow" indeed. ] [Hayden: So the rules are bent for situations Gary shouldn't be expected to attend, but he can't just cameo at the Krusty Krab with Patrick/Sandy last chapter.] He meows and eats some popcorn. [Hayden: ] [Jjs: Seriously, Snail-Po must not be doing it for Gary anymore, as this is the second chapter I've riffed where he eats random food.] [Rusty: I yap and yawn.] Zeus and his 2 friends walk on stage. Zeus yells," ARE YOU READY TO ROCK PEOPLE?!" [Jjs: No.] [Rusty: STOP SHOUTIN' I'M NAPPIN'] [Hayden: Did these "2 friends" have a rock career before Zeus picked them up like hobos off the street?] He strums his red guitar. Darald, the drummer starts to drum. [Jjs: No way man, I never thought the drummer of the band...would drum! The biggest plot twist of the chapter!] [Rusty: Whoa, so crazy.] And last but not least, Yumi, the singer. [Jjs: More crazy character names out of my ass.] [Hayden: ] Yumi starts to sing. The crowd is cheering. [Jjs: At least the crowd gets to admire her vocals, because we can't.] [Rusty: Maybe her vocals suck.] But just then, the stage starts to smoke. [Jjs: Probably just from all the pot I was on while writing this, I wouldn't worry.] [Rusty: Here comes the bruised lungs.] [Hayden: Doesn't the stage know it can get cancer? ] An electric plasma barrier starts to appear and a Phantom like fish appears. He laughs and says," Hault, [Grammar Police: Did you mean: halt] The Rock Lords (Yes, that is their band name I gave them)! [Jjs: Wow, that band name was so terrible that I had to tell my audience in parenthesis that it is, in fact, their actual name.] Stop now, or die!" Zeus ignores him and continues to play his guitar. [Jjs: Gotta admit, that takes some balls to keep playing while a crazy guy tries to attack you. He already has more than most people in this spin-off.] [Hayden: ] [Rusty: ] The Phantom like fish seems mad and waves his silver cape. He then makes an electric ball appear from his fin and throws it at Yuri. [Jjs: Wait, stop. Hold up, hold the fucking phone... HER NAME IS NOW YURI!?!?!? OH MY GOD, that's fucking hilarious. I cannot believe I missed that typo when I was younger. In fact, this is so hilarious that I can't give this any better riff than it rightfully deserves. If there's a character named Yuri, will we see Yaoi next too? My god, one of the funniest moments in the entire spin-off bar none. I don't know about you guys, but this will probably be the most fondly remembered part of the spin-off after it's all said and done...at least to me. The one thing I'll walk away from this is the time when I accidentally called a character "Yuri". Wow.] [Hayden: Japanese names aren't interchangeable, you jjaycist.] She goes flying back against the wall and collapses towards the ground. The crowd starts to panic and the Phantom vanished into a smoke cloud. Spongebob confronts Zeus. Yumi gets up, but she is ok. [Jjs: She is okay enough to use her old name again too. Still not getting over that typo.] [Hayden: She survived being electrocuted under water, so she could probably take a lightning bolt.] [Rusty: Maybe she'll start calling herself Yuma.] She rubs her head. Darald hands her an icepack. [Jjs: I guess you can really say she needs an icepack for that burn.] [Hayden: http://www.babynamespedia.com/meaning/Darald She may have multiple names but they are all more common in popularity than this.] Just then, the Manager of The Rock Lords comes by and says," Oh dear, what happened here?" [Jjs Weren't you watching? Some band manager this guy is.] [Hayden: What an innocent and unassuming reaction. This guy's squeaky clean.] [Rusty: Someone just played their mixtape.] Zeus explains everything. Just then, Mr. Krabs appears out of nowhere on the stage. [Jjs: Was this a prediction for Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom? I also see this concert has awful security like the rest of Bikini Bottom, too.] [Hayden: Krabs is here to worsen the stage's addiction, no doubt.] [Rusty: This is all me money!] He says," Ohh! This Phantom fellow sounds like he will be great for business! Let's talk about this more, Mr. Manager." [Jjs: Yup, a phantom that just nearly killed someone will be great for Krusty Krab business...how exactly? No, really, how? How does this villain benefit Mr. Krabs in any way? Explain, spin-off. If I'm going to cut and paste Mayor Jones, I should've done it in a way that actually makes sense, or has any form of explanation. Instead, nothing.] [Mr. Krabs: Argh, if he zaps me customers to death, I can steal their wallets.] [Rusty: Mr. Krabs, Human Rights Violator since whenever.] Both of them walk away. [Jjs: Probably wanted to get out of this chapter after my question, wouldn't blame them.] [Rusty: ] Spongebob then tells Patrick to come up on the balcony. They are up on the metal balcony above the stage. Patrick says," Ohh, great view from up here." Spongebob says," Help me tie this rope down." The trap is set. A cage is hanging above. [Jjs: Avant garde description and poetry right here.] [Hayden: Why are we already at the trap stage in this mystery when none of them have even discussed it?] Squidward is bored and steals some popcorn from the Confession stand. [Grammar Police: Did you mean: concession] [Hayden: Snatching from the concession, revolting against his oppression.] [Rusty: No, he sinned and wants to confess to the concert priest.] Gary then seems mad and steals the popcorn from him. [Jjs: Don't fuck with Gary's popcorn!] [Hayden: Is Gary a popcorn junkie?] Squidward says," Out of all people, I HAD to be stuck with a Snail." [Jjs: Could've been worse, you could've been with either SpongeBob or Patrick.] Just then, a scream comes from the stage. [Jjs: There's your title.] [Hayden: But was it a sing scream? Merely being at a concert doesn't make it a musical scream if she's not sing screaming.] [Rusty: Oh, someone just saw a spider.] The Phantom has Sandy cornered! [Rusty: How do you corner a round suit?] He laughs and grabs Sandy. Spongebob and Patrick jump down. He tells Patrick to cut the rope now! Patrick does so and the cage falls on Spongebob and Patrick! [Jjs: Wah wah wah.] [Hayden: What a couple of dingle berries.] The Phantom smiles and covers Sandy with his silver cloak. They both disappear in a cloud of smoke. Spongebob says," My trap! Sandy!" [Jjs: This is also the second chapter I've riffed where Sandy gets kidnapped. I don't even remember Daphne getting kidnapped this much at this point in SDMI, or her even getting kidnapped at all in the episode this was based off. I must have apparently really hated Sandy.] Officer Nancy arrives and busts open the cage. [Jjs: Which Squidward couldn't have done apparently, though I don't blame him for leaving them inside of it.] [Hayden: He was too busy dealing with the robbery of his stolen popcorn, the stand-out crime of this episode.] [Rusty: OH MY GOD! THE CAGE MATCH IS RUINED!] Spongebob starts to have a breakdown and says," I don't understand! My trap didn't work! But Sandy?! I'm too confused!" [Jjs: Sexually confused, it seems. No worries SpongeBob, we all go through that phase.] [Hayden: Spongebob and Fred are so alike, they both have yellow parts on their bodies....] Officer Nancy says," ..Now, let ME take care of it please. I am an officer." [Jjs: Yes, as if we didn't know by your many appearances so far.] [Hayden: Enough of your Batman/Gordon circular antics.] [Rusty: No shit.] Squidward then finds a torn piece of the Phantom's cloak. Gary smells it. Squidward says," I have seen this before.." He uses the computer at the confession stand. [Grammar Police: Did you mean: concession] [Jjs: Though, perhaps with how WTF this spin-off is, maybe there really is a pope confessional at this rock concert, because why the fuck not at this point.] [Rusty: That's what I've been saying.] [Hayden: Squidward and Gary need to pray for forgiveness to absolve themselves of the popcorn charges.] He goes to FishTube [Jjs: ...Apparently 70s wasn't the only one to make awful fish puns in his writings, so apologies to him.] [Rusty: And watches it on his FishPod.] [Hayden: Which has FishTooth.] and shows Spongebob, Patrick, and Gary a video of a Fish named Dancy Pants. The Manager walks over and laughs. [Jjs: Welcome back Mr. Manager without Mr. Krabs, who should've been with you. I guess Krabs ended up being as important as that pointless scene implied him to be.] He says," Ah yes, Dancy Pants. I knew him well. But, The Guitar Lords took me over. [Jjs: They took you over? I assume you mean that you were too busy with them, but the way this is worded implies they mind-controlled him or some freaky shit.] [Hayden: Their name is Rock Lords. So yeah, he seems like a really attentive manager.] [Rusty: He's actually a rubber drone. Don't ask.] Dancy Pants found another Manager, though I don't know how happy he was about it." [Jjs: Subtle.] Squidward says," But look! The silver outfit on Dancy pants matches the silver cloak from the Phantom!" [Jjs: Probably a coincidence.] [Rusty: Silver is very in nowadays.] Another fish who appears to be a janitor comes by. [Jjs: Appears to be, but we can never be too sure.] [Hayden: How mild-mannered are they? Hong Kong Fishy.] [Rusty: He's actually the older brother of one of the teens there.] He says," Ah, I remember the classic Dancy Pants." [Jjs: ...And the award for the Most Out of Nowhere Introduction to a New Character now goes to...] [Hayden: All I remember is the Powerpuff Girls special Dance Pantsed. Kids these days with their experimental animation.] Spongebob walks away and examines his trap. He then discovers it was sabotaged! He says," But what about Sandy?" [Jjs: Now you care. Seriously, SpongeBob's Sandy vs. trap obsession is one of the most half-assed, forced, and confusing things I've ever written, ever.] [Rusty: He probably wanted a kinky night with Sandy.] Sandy is dangling from a rope attached to the ceiling. [Jjs: Glad to see The Phantom put her in a totally not easy to spot place that apparently nobody could see until this very moment.] [Hayden: Still a better trap than Spongebob's.] [Rusty: Hey, spongeboy got his wish!] She is wrapped in rope and her mouth is taped. [Jjs: I see The Phantom is into some kinky shit.] [Rusty: And how.] The rope snaps and she falls to the ground. She says," Oww!" [Rusty: Remember Kids, Air tanks can kill.] [Hayden: Now Jjs has forgotten how the laws of physics work. Did he study Dark Side of the Herd to write this?] Spongebob jumps down and says," Sandy! I have feelings! I care!" [Jjs: I swear, Tommy Wiseau could say that with more emotion and substance than him. Yes, I'm re-using that joke one last time in Riffing Theater, because wow, this declaration of love is too half-assed and badly written to even take seriously.] [Rusty: I DID NOT DO IT! I SWEAR! oh hi mark] [Hayden: ] Sandy says," What in Texas's name are you talking about?" [Jjs: SpongeBob couldn't decide if he liked traps or squirrels, but he-] [Hayden: -realized that seeing a squirrel inside a trap turned him on most of all.] [Rusty: So, is Texas a God to her? I know a lot of Texans, they don't do that.] Spongebob says," Sandy, I have feelings for Traps and you." [Jjs: -is bi, it seems.] [Rusty: Especially together!] [Hayden: Sorry Cha, he's not asexual.] Sandy seems confused but trys to bear with him. [Grammar Police: Did you mean: tries] [Jjs: Not even going to write any form of acceptance or reaction by Sandy. That goes to show this love plot was dead on arrival, sorry Spandy fans.] [Hayden: Is Spongebob into squirrels roleplaying as bears?] Sandy then has an idea to sing. Squidward says," But you can't!" [Rusty: Not with that helmet. Or that breathing liquid.] [Hayden: ] Sandy says," Don't worry, I have an idea planned." [Jjs: Why didn't I just have Squidward awfully play his clarinet to lure the bad guy for this episode's theme? Then again, Sandy has shown she can be a pretty good singer, so meh, I'll let it pass.] Later on in the night, Zeus and his gang, now including Sandy get up on stage. They start to sing. Sandy will be singing however. [Jjs: ...Yes, I'm pretty sure we all knew Sandy was going to be singing. Thanks for needlessly holding our hands again.] [Hayden: No, Sandy was just getting up on stage to stare at everyone else perform. She has really bad eyesight.] Yumi will be playing a piano. [Jjs: Okay, I just gotta ask: What the fuck kind of song are "The Rock Lords" making? You've got guitar, piano, drums, and vocals all blasting at once apparently. I'm no music expert, but I imagine that blend of musical stuff won't sound very good altogether. I don't think I thought this through all the way...like many things in the spin-off.] [Hayden: A random group of penguins on Club Penguin could make a better assortment of noises.] [Rusty: Only on WCIU! Channel 25, Chicago! Up next, Ginny Tsu!] She starts to sing and Spongebob and co are in the crowd. [Jjs: With how little they cared for Sandy earlier, I could've thought they wouldn't be, so glad to see this was clarified.] They finish the song. [Jjs: Absolutely amazing. It was so amazing we didn't even see any lyrics. Then again, with how lazily I've been writing this, the lyrics probably would've sucked too.] [Rusty: That was a quick song.] [Hayden: Sandy showed ALL the haters tonight.] Just then, the Phantom appears from the balcony and laughs. He says," I warned you The Rock Lords, now face my rath!" [Grammar Police: Did you mean: wrath] He swoops down and is about to Grab Sandy, but misses and a net springs up and catches him. The crowd cheers. Spongebob and co [Jjs: Gary, Sandy, Squidward and Patrick? Psh, why bother with the trouble of typing those four names when you can just say "co"!] get up and bring him down. They unmask him and it is the Janitor! [Jjs: Wow, no way! It was the character who appeared once in the whole chapter with us knowing nothing about them! Hmm...deja vu...] [Hayden: Speaking of deja vu, why was he trying to re-kidnap the person he was stupid enough to let get away with a non-perilous ceiling fall?] [Rusty: I KNEW IT] Squidward then says," A.K.A Dancy Pants!" [Jjs: And it also turns out said character is another character entirely...hmm...deja vu...] The Manager appears and says," Why, Dancy pants?!" He says," Don't call me that! I wanted revenge! Sure, I still had another Manager..but I missed you. So, I tried to take down the Rock Lords." [Jjs: Sure, sounds reasonable to me. It's not like managers can operate multiple gigs or anything, so I don't understand why he couldn't have managed both Dancy and the Rock Lords. Also, it sounds more like Dancy Pants has a creepy ass obsession with this manager, and makes me just feel sad for both.] [Hayden: Dancy PantsxManager. Same-sex pairing of 2017.] [Rusty: about as reasonable as...something unreasonable.] The Manager says," Oh, Dancy. Things were tough back then. Please, come back." He says," Really?" Zeus says," You could be a Rock Lord member!" [Jjs: Fucking really, pardon the caps, but WHY DIDN'T HE ASK HIM THIS FROM THE BEGINNING!? Did the manager know about Dancy's creepy obsession? That's the only explanation I have on why he wasn't asked from the start, because this is just sloppy. Seriously, after attempted terrorism, he doesn't even get a punishment, and just simply gets to join the band with no issues. This entire chapter could've literally been avoided. I'm speechless. This honestly may be one of the worst resolutions I've seen to any mystery ever.] [Hayden: I'm never getting tickets to something with these posers.] [Rusty: I'll just blame this on all the crack they snorted before hand.] Sandy comes up to Spongebob and says," Spongebob, I thought that was sweet. You can still build Traps, I'm not stoping you." [Rusty: I've heard better love plots from Furry RP sessions. BOOOOOO.] [Hayden: The trap was sabotaged, so there was no reason for him to stop to begin with. Unless they all just want to go back to their normal lives.] [Jjs: Well I certainly stopped them, because their love plot goes nowhere after this, like at all. If I was too lazy to bother writing a relationship, I shouldn't have bothered to even build it up. I only copied and pasted what SDMI did in these early ones, because of sheer laziness.] Gary then appears behind the Mystery Boat seeming a bit annoyed. [Rusty: Same, Gary, Same.] [Hayden: #GareGlare ] [Jjs: Oh, right. This "cliffhanger" is another thing that goes completely nowhere. I was originally going to copy the Scooby/Shaggy/Velma love triangle drama with SpongeBob/Sandy/Gary...but I decided not to, and completely ignore this line other than one vague part in 8. Why did I keep it in this chapter knowing I wasn't going to adapt that plot line? Well that's because, if you didn't realize, this was honestly one of the laziest and most AWFUL chapters of anything I've ever made on SBC. I'm actually glad the chapter ended with the words "seeming a bit annoyed", because that's a perfect representation of my reaction. Literally nothing about this one was thought through at all, or had any proper proofreading, or did any decent job of copying the Mystery Incorporated episode it was based on. But here's another thing you may have noticed... THIS IS LITERALLY THE SAME AS CHAPTER 4 I'm being serious. It's legit almost the same damn thing as 4. Sandy gets kidnapped by the villain, and SpongeBob worries about her? Check. The villain turns out to be a character who only has one scene, disappears, and then it turns out said character was the disguise of another character entirely? Check. Like...I legit can't believe I copied the same exact episode this quickly into the series. This really shows how lazy this spin-off is. The Spandy shipping moments might have been cute had it been written or developed better, and even then, it goes nowhere after this chapter. The fact the Spandy moments don't even go anywhere after this honestly makes the whole chapter pointless. One of the worst chapters of the entire spin-off, and that's saying a lot. Not even the lulziness of "Yuri" can save this.] [Rusty: Of course, Another Muddy, Broken, Episode. The characters are dumb, the plot is half-assed, and the resolution is awful. This is gonna be a long sit.] [Hayden: Jjs should've had some fun with this one and made it a chapter where everyone just sang for shits and giggles. Focus on the music instead of causing us internal screaming. As for our peeping friend Gary, my next riff will be his break-out.] 8. In Grasp of the Hunter Spoiler 8. In Grasp of the Hunter: [Metal Snake: Hunter X Hunter?] [SOF: If past jjs can't even grasp an overall story for this spin-off, I doubt our villain of the week can grasp anything of substance either.] The 2nd Annual Forest Festival is here. Many fish have dressed up as woodsmen. Pretty much it is a festival that takes place in a forest. [Metal Snake: “Pretty much” is the most important part of this exposition because it shows how little pruning went into this opening description. Obligatory Wumbo reference is pretty much obligatory.] [SOF: Wow, I never would've guessed a "FOREST Festival" takes place in the forest. Thanks for holding my hand, spin-off. Not even the best mystery solvers could've figured that one out! We're off to yet another great start.] A fish says to his friend," Hold on, I need to tie my shoes." [Metal Snake: You make a loop de loop and pull…] He walks into an alley behind 2 stores. [Metal Snake: Who walks to an alley to tie their shoelaces? Don’t trip on the way there.] [SOF: Maybe this fish can't actually tie his shoes and doesn't want his friend to know. I'll just go with that, as it's the only reason I can see for him to go into a random alley to tie shoes instead of doing it right next to his friend. I'm onto you, bud.] Just then, a shadow appears. [SOF: Who knows what sloppy writing lurks inside the hearts of men? ONLY THE SHADOW KNOWS. (here's another Wumbo reference for ya)] He says," Who's there?" The mysterious figure starts to laugh and grabs his leg and the fish starts to get poisoned. [Metal Snake: ...From what? A poisonous injection? A poisonous plant? A poisonous snake? Is it something in the air? I hate that this has to keep being said, but DETAILS!] [SOF: Hey, at least he was able to grasp his leg. There's the title, folks.] The fish's friend walks in the alley and the Mysterious figure laughs and jumps away. The friend starts screaming when he sees his friend poisoned. [Metal Snake: I’d tone down that screaming for the 911 call.] [SOF: He's probably screaming at his friend's shoes not being tied.] Spongebob and friends take a visit to the Forest Festival the next morning. They are in the Mystery Boat and drive through the forest. [SOF: Driving through an off-road forest? Where's Officer Nancy when you need her for once?] The sign says," Welcome to Forest Fort. Enjoy the Festival." Squidward parks the Mystery Boat [SOF: Still confused on why Squidward agreed to carpooling for these suckers, but whatever. I guess his life is that miserable.] and they all hop out. They are in woodsmen costumes. [SOF: That they got from the party store.] The village is interesting. [Metal Snake: I take back every criticism I’ve ever made about this show’s bad descriptions. That is the best one in the history of writing. “The village is interesting.” 2010!Jjs, you truly were ahead of your time. Unlike those zombie writers who feel they need to fully depict every last minute detail, shamelessly submitting to their despicable fetish for description porn, you had the balls to go against such a tired practice, and narrow down your details to the shortest, most concise descriptions possible. “The village is interesting.”. Who cares why it’s interesting, it just is. And that’s what makes it so beautiful.] [SOF: It's so interesting we can't even get an interesting description for it. Nice.] Just then, we see the King of the Festival in a throne. [SOF: Is he inside the throne? I imagine that's not very comfortable. Or...is he the throne itself? Damn, look at this spin-off continuing to make me think about irrelevant details. ] He says," Bah, a Hunter is attacking the festival?" A fish who appears to be his servent says, [Grammar Police: Did you mean: servant] " Well, if more people get poisoned we should just cancel the festival, Sardis." [SOF: I know this spin-off has had some crazy names so far, but seriously, what the hell kind of a name is "Sardis"? Is he a sardine?] [Metal Snake: How badly are these people being poisoned, just curious? Are they having to be hospitalized? Are they just sick in bed at home? And how is this guy a “hunter”? What hunter just leaves behind his prey for the scavenger? He’s clearly not a professional one, I see.] The King says," Nonsense! We shall catch this Hunter." [SOF: Who is this "we"?] Spongebob says," Who?" [SOF: I didn't even know they entered...wherever the king is. Seems like transitions have gone missing again. SOF riffed.] King Sardis says," Ah hello. A mysterious hunter has been appearing and Poisoning other fish at the festival." [SOF: And nobody else at this apparently popular festival knows, despite being a danger to everyone there? What a lousy "king" this guy is.] Gary sniffs the grass and meows. [Metal Snake: Weed don’t work like cocaine, G.] Sandy says," What's this?" [SOF: Weed. It's only for Gary, so don't touch.] He has found a bag of pink stuff in it. [SOF: Or pink stuff, whatever drug that is.] Patrick starts to eat it. [SOF: I said don't touch!] Squidward says," Don't you idiot!" Patrick says," It's Jellyfish Jelly!" [Metal Snake: I thought it was McDonald’s pink slime.] [SOF: They are giving these drugs weird names nowadays.] Sandy says," Give me that, I'll look into it later." [SOF: How much later is later to you? It's not like this psycho is still out there poisoning fish or anything.] Then, they all split it up and look for clues around the village. Sandy secretly goes shopping at a store. [Metal Snake: What, is she shopping at the black market?] [SOF: Now suddenly Sandy slacks off and cares about shopping, even though those two traits don't fit her at all. In character, what's that?] Later at night, 2 fish are walking through the parking lot in woodsmen outfits. One says," Did you see something?" [SOF: Probably just Waldo, don't think about it.] Just then, the Hunter appears! [SOF: I told you guys not to think. This is why you should listen to me more often.] He is dressed in a torn woodsmen outfit and has a bandaged face. [Metal Snake: How bandaged? I’d assume his entire face is covered with him being a criminal, but then I’d also have to assume that he went through a lot of Hello Kitty band-aids to achieve that.] He has a black hat. He laughs and grabs out an Axe. He throws it at a boat which splits in two. [SOF: Remember, kids. Never leave your cars unattended, or some psycho can split them in two with an axe. This has been a SOF PSA.] The 2 fish run. One fish drops the keys to his boat which he reaches to grab. [SOF: GET OUT OF THERE, YOU FOOL!] But the Hunter appears from under a boat [SOF: HERE'S HUNTER!] and grabs his fin, which poisons him! The fish is frozen and stunned. [SOF: I WAS FROZEN (and poisoned) TODAY!] [Metal Snake: We’re only midway in, and we finally get some goddamn clarification on what the poison does. Thanks, I now know to pass on those fish sticks tonight.] The other fish trys [Grammar Police: Did you mean: tries] to run but trips and falls against a boat. [SOF: I guess this chump also forgot to tie his shoes.] The Hunter walks up to him with his fins glowing pink. [SOF: His big, scary, and pink fins, to be precise.] The fish says," Mommy..help.." [SOF: Haha, he's weeping like a baby! Maybe this would be funny if any of these no name fish had any established personality.] [Metal Snake: Is this supposed to be comic relief? With the poor story flow and vague descriptions, I honestly read that as a kid crying for his mom at first. O_O] The next day, The 2 fish are being carried in a Boat Ambulance. [SOF: I'm sure they're fine.] Sandy picks a sample of the pink stuff on the fish. [SOF: I thought they were carried into the ambulance, how did Sandy get in there?] But she also notices one of them is holding a ring in one of their fins. She takes the ring from his fin. [Metal Snake: First you’re making deals on the black market, now you’re lifting a dude’s wedding ring? Damn, girl. I can see what street life’s done to ya.] Squidward says," I think I saw that ring somewhere before.." [SOF: No Squidward, despite what your dreams show, you haven't been married, ever.] Sandy says," This pink stuff is the same stuff as the bag of Jellyfish Jelly! [SOF: Golly, could've fooled me.] So therefore, it seems like this Hunter is using Jellyfish poison to poison fish.." [SOF: Or he just wants them to get high.] Patrick says," Why would a scary man need Jellyfish Jelly to poison people?" [Metal Snake: “IT’S ALWAYS A MAN IN A SUIT!” Also, not only does scary not automatically equal supernatural, no one suggested that the hunter wasn’t using natural means to poison people.] Squidward says," That is what we are going to find out." [SOF: Or have Mr. N indirectly find it out for you.] Spongebob sees a poster saying the festival ends in 2 days. He then says," Enough time for the Hunter to finish off everybody else." Throughout the day, the Hunter starts to poison tons of other fish. He grabs a fish's face and poisons it. He grabs a fish and jumps away with her. [Metal Snake: Jumps away with her to do...what? Shit, I didn’t know he was that kind of a hunter… O_O] [SOF: With all these attacks, I imagine Officer Nancy would've shown up by now, or the other fish there would've gotten the hell out of there.] He then poisons a couple. [SOF: Likely these two: ] Many more fish go into Ambulance Boats. [SOF: They have time to call ambulances, but absolutely none for the cops? Then again, maybe the Forest Festival staff realize how incompetent the Bikini Bottom Police are if they can only afford one officer.] Spongebob says," Maybe we should search around the forest.." [SOF: They didn't do that before? Holy shit, you guys suck at this...] They do so. [SOF: Good.] Spongebob decides to set up a trap. But just then, the Hunter appears from behind a tree and attacks them. Spongebob tells everybody to run. He trips and falls. [SOF: Lots of tripping today. Does nobody tie their shoes anymore?] The hunter then throws his Axe at a tree. [Metal Snake: Why did he throw his axe at a tree? Is he a lumberjack now?] [SOF: I guess he went to the Stormtrooper academy of aiming.] Spongebob is knocked out and the Hunter grabs him and walks away. [SOF: Not even "runs", just...walks. And apparently nobody tried to stop him. Wonderful.] Sandy says," Spongebob!" [SOF: "Hey, does shouting your name instead of actually chasing the bad guy help at all? No? Oh well, I tried!"] On the final day of the festival, they are eating at tables. [Metal Snake: Wait, WHAT?! Forget “put my computer in the air”, just how the fuck. Why the fuck. SpongeBob gets kidnapped, and the very next thing you transit to is them stuffing their faces?! Two days later on top of it?! Some friends SpongeBob has, Jesus.] [SOF: Okay, this may be a cruel sense of humor, but wow, this is hilarious. SpongeBob is kidnapped, Sandy yells "Spongebob!", and we next cut to the gang eating food. I legit lol'd at this bad transition. Probably the only time I'll ever laugh at this, so kudos.] Gary seems mad at Sandy. [SOF: Not sure why you're mad at her pal, when last I checked, all of you failed to stop him. At least she tried to do something by yelling SpongeBob's name, which is more than the rest of you did. *talks to jjs* Oh, this was supposed to be a continuation of the Gary/Sandy rivalry that goes nowhere? Glad to see this was built up prior...oh.] Sandy says," Gary, we need to work together to get Spongebob back. We all miss him.." Just then, Squidward gets a phone call. [Metal Snake: EVEN SQUIDWARD MISSES HIM!] [SOF: Glad to see that tension between Gary and Sandy built up from the cliffhanger in 7 had so much time to play out and develop-hold on, I have to take this call.] He says," It is From Mr. N." [SOF: Mr. N somehow has Squidward's phone number. Creepy.] Mr. N says on the speaker," Hello Friends." Sandy says," Where is Spongebob you creep?!" [SOF: Might want to watch your tone to the one guy who might know where he is, even if I agree he is a creep.] He says," Nice speaking to you Sandy. I cannot tell you where he is, but I will give you a hint. [SOF: Given how your other "hints" have been so far, you mean flat out telling them where to go?] Search the woodland." He hangs up. Squidward gets an idea and says," I think he means the Forest!" [Metal Snake: Wow, I did not read this before I made that reference, I promise.] [SOF: Whoa, no way man! Seriously, I can't believe how incompetent they are. Mr. N may as well just be an official member at this point, since it feels like he is the only one guiding them from what I'm seeing. Wow, and I thought SpongeBoy's gang were buffoons, but these guys are on a special level.] The Servant says," Attention! Final day of the Festival!" [SOF: Why is the servant announcing this, instead of someone like, I don't know, the king? Though if the king is still stuck inside of the throne/is the throne, I guess that explains it.] Squidward says," Alright, let's set up this trap." Sandy says," Who put you in charge?" [SOF: While you decided to goof off and go shopping earlier, they had a vote to decide who would replace SpongeBob if he ever got kidnapped.] Squidward says," I did. [SOF: Works for me.] Now help me layout fake grass on this hole." [Metal Snake: ...It’s legit, Squidward cares more about saving Spongebob than Patrick and Sandy. XD Finally, some character development.] Sandy says," Patrick, your the bait!" [SOF: What about his the bait?] Patrick says," Yay! I'm the bait! Wait.." Patrick stands on the fake grass [SOF: Which he somehow doesn't fall through.] and Squidward leans against a tree and falls through a hole. [Metal Snake: Leading to another dimension.] He says," Looks like the Hunter's hideout is in this tree." [SOF: With how the line above was worded, I could've thought this tree was a part of the trap...] Sandy says," Patrick, stay there." They climb up the tree and there are wooden boardwalks connecting to other trees. Sandy says," Well, now we know how he is so fast." Just then, they see Spongebob hanging from a tree! [Metal Snake: YOU KNOW JUST HANGING AROUND] [SOF: Hanging from a tree apparently nobody else noticed at this festival. Why are the villains in this spin-off so damn bad at hiding their victims in well-hidden spots?] Squidward throws his clarinet at the rope and Spongebob falls down. [SOF: Squidward's clarinet can pick locks and now cut rope. Glad to see he's finding a use for that thing, even if I question its capability to do either.] He pets Gary and Squidward says," Hate to say it, but glad you are ok." [Metal Snake: And he’s totally humble about it too. Just lazy writing, you say, suddenly making Squidward “in-character” again? Wrong! This is the peak of this Squidward’s character evolution!] [SOF: At least I can imagine Squidward acting like this, which is more than I can say for Sandy.] Just then, Patrick yells. He is being chased by the Hunter! He throws his Axe, but Patrick dodges. [SOF: Worth noting that this hunter's axe is apparently real, and he is throwing this to legit kill people. I'm sure their motives will be sane.] He runs through the village and trips over some barrels. [Metal Snake: When did this turn into Donkey Kong Country?] [SOF: Not even our villain can tie their own shoes.] The Hunter falls on one and starts spinning on it. Patrick runs back to the forest and the Hunter crashes into the hole! The barrel breaks. King Sardis appears and says," Yes, the Hunter is caught!" [SOF: I'm not sure if "rolling on a barrel and falling into a hole by sheer stupidity" counts as "caught", but whatever tickles your fancy.] Spongebob says," Now let's see who this is.." He unmasks the hunter and it is The Servant! [SOF: WOW NO WAY HOLY SHIT I AM SHOCKED] But the Servant laughs and pulls off another mask. The Servant is actually a fish called Rod J. Derren! [Metal Snake: Good on revealing your criminal identity, genius. As if the police were going to run a background check on “The Servant” of all shady characters.] [SOF: Balls Almighty, how many times is this spin-off going to do the whole "aha, it's this person, but wait, it's actually THIS person!" shtick? I get past jjs was trying to make things "surprising" to the viewer, but it just feels like a lazy cop out each time. It's like he couldn't even be bothered to make us invested in any of the already existing suspects.] Squidward says," I know you! You are infamous for robbing tons of Fairs." He says," You are correct, foul squid. You see, my goal was to attack the Forest Festival next. But I had to be careful. I posed as a servant for the king so Nobody would suspect me. [SOF: You were able to get this servant gig with no questioning from the staff whatsoever? Glad to see even in festivals, Bikini Bottom's security is terrible.] I even threw suspicion his way by stealing his ring and putting it on one of the poisoned fish. [Metal Snake: Well, I can see you did a marvelous job trying to frame the king when no one was even talking about the king. What the hell? That’s a major problem with this show, you have no reason to care who gets suspected because you’re not given any real info about them.] [SOF: Just like in episode 1, nobody was even suspecting it was the king once in the entire thing. I forgot the gang even found the ring until now, and none of them realized the ring belonged to the king...so yeah, nice job "framing" him there.] I used the Jellyfish Jelly to stun Fish which poisons them. It was all genius, but you Meddling kids had to ruin everything! [SOF: And that darn snail, oh, and those damn barrels!] I could have been able to steal tons of gold." [Metal Snake: Gold? Did I miss the part where you mentioned that your next plan was to rob Fort Knox?] [SOF: I guess Sardis had gold, but that wasn't made clear at all in this. Foreshadowing, please.] Officer Nancy appears once again [SOF: Even jjs is getting tired of her.] and says," Good job kids." [SOF: Not even going to scold them like you've done before? I'll consider this the first form of character development in the spin-off. It's a start. A small start, but a start.] She takes him away and puts him in the Police Boat. Spongebob and gang head off towards the Mystery Boat. Just then, Sandy trips over a small treasure chest. [Metal Snake: “Gary look, a pirate treasure chest!” *Gary meows* “No Gary, this isn’t the bathroom...I know it’s the woods, but…”] [SOF: With all the tripping in this episode, it's only fitting it ends with one last hilarious tripping! Silly Sandy can't tie her shoes either. *adds to list of squirrel jokes*] She notices a label on it with the Letter "N". She says," Mr. N!" [SOF: No, you're probably reading it wrong and it's a Z.] She opens it and inside is a picture of the old Mystery solving gang and he has circled Sammy the Scallop on it. [Metal Snake: Sammy the Crab from The Mighty Boosh’s lost brother?] [SOF: I guess Sammy will be Professor Pericles...before jjs abandons that plot too. I don't even really know what to say. I liked SDMI, but jjs' cut and pastes of its episodes don't work at all so far. I know things are apparently happening (?), but the words just fly at my face and do nothing to make me care about what's going on. If jjs had put more time and effort into this, this could've been cool, but so far, it just feels lazy and bland. If you're going to copy a show you like, you should at least do it in an interesting way. The characterizations are also still extremely lacking, and flat out off in the case of Sandy's. I want to hope things will get better, but considering how the story is apparently abruptly changed in the second half, I'm not betting on it. Now, if you'll excuse me folks, I have another call to take-*trips on my untied shoes* There's one last trip for you. Th-th-that's all folks!] 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Estonia Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 6 hours ago, jjsthekid said: [Jjs: Okay, I just gotta ask: What the fuck kind of song are "The Rock Lords" making? You've got guitar, piano, drums, and vocals all blasting at once apparently. I'm no music expert, but I imagine that blend of musical stuff won't sound very good altogether. I don't think I thought this through all the way...like many things in the spin-off.] Apparently they're doing a tribute to Ben Folds Five: Spoiler 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted September 5, 2017 Share Posted September 5, 2017 God, that Yuri misspelling was priceless. XD Though I will point out, Hayden, that it was Ami in the image, not Yumi. This is Yumi. SOF's riffs were great in Episode 8, some of his best. The Hunter is easily the most sinister villain so far...but not in a good way. They make him out to be a simple thief after he poisons a bunch of people, abducts a woman who never gets seen again (), and he tosses a lethal weapon at others. Like, what the fuck. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hayden Posted September 6, 2017 Share Posted September 6, 2017 6 hours ago, Metal Snake said: God, that Yuri misspelling was priceless. XD Though I will point out, Hayden, that it was Ami in the image, not Yumi. This is Yumi. Uh, I mixed them up on purpose to help Jjs' feelings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted September 11, 2017 Author Share Posted September 11, 2017 (edited) Undersea Mysteries Incorporated 9. Clash of the Sea Dragons Spoiler [Clappy: Okay, we got some work to do now. Nope, no real opening statement. I am nine chapters too late to say anything. Bring it on!] 9. Clash of the Sea Dragons: [Clappy: Twenty bucks says this episode will be far more underwhelming than the title tries to make it sound. Anyone?][OMJ: Twenty bucks says this episode gets an even more underwhelming sequel called Wrath of the Sea Dragons.] Plot : One night at the Shell Shack, the singing "dog" is preforming on stage. [Clappy: Oh look! A SpongeBob “reference”!][OMJ: What? Didn't have the rights of any song to karaoke or the chops to make one up yourself?] Of course, the "dog" is actually a fish in a dog suit. [Clappy: And Kenny the Cat doesn’t defy logic either. Where’s the joke?!][OMJ: Way to give the end reveal away!] The fish cheer and eat their meals. [Clappy: Food. Water. Atmosphere….][OMJ: YAAAAYYYYom nom nom] But just then, something starts to shake. [OMJ: Ah, the real mystery here. Just WHAT IS SHAKING?] A giant Blue Sea Dragon appears! It roars and breathes blue fire [OMJ: Why am I not surprised.] at the fish in the dog suit. He screams and his dog suit is burned off. [Clappy: And the fish in the dog suit doesn’t suffer third degree burns and/or dies. Man, what a friendly Blue Sea Dragon.][OMJ: At least he still has his personality, from what very little there was.] The fish panic and the Sea Dragon laughs, It then swims away after destroying the shell shack. [Clappy Riff Part 1: Well, jjs forgot to replace the comma with a period, so I have to make an obligatory riff at the expense of not editing this before posting. So Pennywise was a Sea Dragon? I thought he was a giant mechanical spider or what have you.] [OMJ: Tho to be fair, Pennywise can shapeshift into different things, even a Paul Bunyan statue. How I wished that made the remake.] [Clappy Riff Part 2: Yes, this required two parts. Surprisingly, I’m not bothered by the existence of dragons living underwater for as ridiculous as the premise is. What I am bothered by is this dragon not doing anything exciting. The dragon laughs. It breathes fire precisely at one thing and not a whole building, just the guy in the dog suit. Then it laughs. If you are going to including a fucking dragon in your story, make it as badass as possible. How underwhelming.] The next day, Spongebob is at his house and turns on the news. He says," Yikes, I never knew Sea Dragons hated Singing dogs." [OMJ: Yes, the biggest takeaway from a mildly malicious attack.] Gary meows and eats his snail food. [Clappy: Gary meowing and eating his snail food is such crucial development to this story. Just like the cheering and eating fish. It’s the most minuscule of unnecessary padding that has been bothering me the most with not just this chapter, but this story.][OMJ: Still more exciting than the dragon attack.] Spongebob walks outside and gasps. He sees a giant floating red figure. He wonders what it was. (It was one of the sea dragons) [Clappy: Wha-when? When was it established that these sea dragons come in multiple colors like they are fucking Pretty Patties? Also, and more importantly, what the hell is with this inner monologuing?][OMJ: This story just likes spoiling us.] Spongebob walks Gary and bumps into Patrick. [Clappy: Yes, what a wonderful day to take my snail for a walk with all these dragons on the loose. No seriously, what?!] Sandy and Squidward appear as well. [Clappy: Sure, why the hell not? That’s pretty much my explanation of any sort of logic in this story. Why the hell not?][OMJ: They're all out probably hoping to off themselves from this spinoff.] Sandy says," Did y'all here about the Shell Shack being destroyed?" Squidward says," Yes, but I could care less." [Clappy: Almost. Almost made me laugh going for dark comedy. You almost got me jjs, but with how lazily everything is being thrown together is what made this miss in the end.][OMJ: Yet you cared enough to come out and regroup with the rest of the gang to nightcrawl tf out of this potential case.] Spongebob pulls out the boat key for The Mystery Boat and presses a button. It unlocks and he tells everybody to hop in. [Clappy: SEE!? Not even any sort of back and forth about what could possibly be the cause of this random happenstance. Just hop in to my van and let’s end this chapter as quickly as possible.] Spongebob takes the wheel, but starts driving badly. Squidward yells," Give me the wheel before you kill us all!" He shoves Spongebob and takes control of the wheel, only to crash against a building. [OMJ: Somebody call the police, there's a running gag on the loose!][Clappy: Once again, almost. This almost made me chuckle a bit but once again, everything just doesn’t get the time and effort to get any sort of payoff in the form of me laughing. Maybe it’s a good thing the tv.com format didn’t have as long of a shelf life.] But the front doors of the store explodes! It was the Bakery. [Clappy: It’s telling that The Bakery front door gets established more than the ground work of The Not a Mystery Gang agreeing to solve this mystery.] A giant red Sea dragon floats out of it and roars. [OMJ: What? Didn't have the budget to capitalize red or dragon?] It grabs a boat with its long tail and throws it at the crowd. Everyone starts to panic. The dragon is long and has shiny red skin. [OMJ: So it looks like a dog's lipstick? Good to know!] It roars and breathes fire out of its mouth. It then floats away. [Clappy: I agree with Everyone. I’m panicking too at how much detail went into the description of the dragon more than the description of the damage it allegedly caused.] A construction worker appears and says," Ooh! All this destruction is gettin' good for my business! Those 2 Sea dragons better keep it up." [Clappy: Wait a minute. When was it established that this construction worker knew about the destruction caused by the Blue Sea Dragon? Don’t tell me that this construction worker is going to be a suspect just because of potential financial gain. He can’t control whatever the fuck dragons do.][OMJ: You'll need all that money your business makes for the impending lawsuits.] Sandy whispers," Looks like we have our first suspect." The Worker says," Uh, I have ears." [Clappy: And I have a brain. Do I need to point out how stupid the Not a Mystery Gang’s reasoning is?][OMJ: I wouldn't take it too personal, she is a SQUIRREL after all.] Squidward then trips over something in the rubble. He picks up what appears to be a small grey pipe. He says," This is..interesting." [Clappy: How interesting. A piece of a burnt down building. Could it possibly be….debris?!] Spongebob says," Alright gang, we are going to step up this investigation!" Squidward says," Dear neptune.." [Clappy: Dear Neptune indeed. Because if this is them starting, I can only fear them stepping things up.][OMJ: Step Up 5: Mysteries Incorporated] He goes inside the Mystery Boat and grabs 5 packages. They have white [OMJ: AH SHIT!] uniforms in them. [OMJ: Aw, shit.] Squidward's has blue stripes on it, Sandy's has Brown stripes, Gary's has green stripes, Patrick's has pink stripes and Spongebob's has Yellow stripes. They stand on the rubble of the bakery. A few fish start to laugh at their uniforms. They get inside the Mystery Boat and drive off. [Clappy: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF ANY OF THIS!?][OMJ: For a second there, I thought they got boat jacked.] Squidward says," How exactly is this going to help us?" [Clappy: THANK YOU SQUIDWARD. WAS THE POINT TO MAKE THEM A LAUGHINGSTOCK!?][OMJ: At least it was the most genuine laughs this spinoff has garnered for itself ever.] Just then, Spongebob turns on the radio. The announcer on the radio says," Ah yes, Tim Dinger and Tom Dinger! Bikini Bottom's best insurers." Just them, [Clappy: Yep, just them. An obscurely thrown in there insurance commercial that will probably lead to these two being our villains because nobody can trust those pesky insurance salesmen.][OMJ: BAH GAWD DING(ER)!] something starts to happen to the radio singal and Mr. N starts to speak on the signal. He laughs and says," Hello Mystery Incorporated, how are you doing?" [Clappy: Confused as fuck. How are you?][OMJ: Hey, this isn't the Beep Boop Boop Bop station!] Patrick says," Uh, could you just tell us who does the bad things mysterious talking voice?" [OMJ: Yes, please. Spare me 15 more minutes of my life.] Mr. N laughs and says," Now what would be the fun of that? In order to solve the mystery, open your ears to the voices. Open your eyes to the signs." [Clappy: But that won’t solve the mystery of how poorly established everything is? Unless, maybe I should open my ears and open my eyes. *opens* I hear my washing machine being loud and obnoxious and I still see a clusterfuck of an episode that I’m riffing…nope, didn’t work.][OMJ: You know, I would rather watch The Sixth Sense and Signs right now.] The signal cuts off. Sandy says," Ok, did anybody just understand what Mr. N said?" They then pass by a sign with a picture of Tim Dinger and Tom Dinger. [Clappy: No…you’re actually going to do it….][OMJ: I SAW THE SIGN, AND IT OPENED MY EYES] Just then, a loud roar fills the air. Patrick says," Di-Did anybody just hear that?" They see a giant blue figure headed toward a construction site. Squidward steps on the pedal and the Mystery Boat drives fast. [Clappy: Stop calling it a figure dammit. We know it’s a dragon already. Just stop with this needless elaboration, we already know what the figure is.] They arrive at the Construction site and see a Giant Blue sea Dragon attacking it! [OMJ: Oh, so now you decide to capitalize everything else but leave "sea" all by its lonesome. It's nice to see at least something come full circle here.] It breathes Blue fire at them and roars loudly. The Construction worker from earlier comes out of a small building and says," What the?" The Sea Dragon throws it tails at him, but Spongebob jumps in and saves him. [Clappy: Either this dragon throws its tail at a snail’s pace (which if it does, I call bullshit on how easily it caused damage earlier) or SpongeBob really is The Quickster.][OMJ: So did it literally tear its own tail off and chucked it or...] The Sea Dragon then hits the crane and it comes falling down. The Sea Dragon escapes. The Crane then hits a Tanker Boat. Squidward says," EVERYBODY DUCK AND RUN!" They all jump and a huge explosion occurs. The construction site is reduced to rubble. Patrick says," So the worker isn't a suspect!" The Worker says," Gee, ya think?' [Clappy Riff 1: And on this episode of Mythbusters, we’ll discover if a crane hitting a military tank can cause a huge explosion or if it just leads to a regular car crash? Let’s find out! Because personally, I THINK THIS MYTH = BULLSHIT.] [OMJ: Unless it was like a gas tanker.] [Clappy Riff 2: Also, someone hire The Worker to be one of the riffers because his reply was about to be my riff before he beat me to it.] Sandy says," Guys, I think I am close to solving this mystery." [Clappy: Oh yeah, there’s a mystery. Uhhh, Scrappy Doo did it?] Mr. Krabs then appears at their table and says," Ye better now try to catch those Sea Dragons! I've got a plan for those monsters." [Clappy: There was a table at the beaten down construction site? Are they supposed to be at the Krusty Krab now or something? ELABORATE!][OMJ: I know what the plan is! Lure them into his office!] Sandy says," I noticed that the sea dragons are attacking places employed by Tom Dinger or Tim Dinger.." Just then, the giant blue sea dragon is rushing off! The gang hops in the Mystery Boat and Mr. Krabs says," Wait, You forgot to pa-" [Sandy: YOU AIN'T MY PA!] [Clappy Riff 1: Allow me to finish Mr. Krabs. YOU FORGOT TO PAD THE REST OF YOUR STORY.] [Clappy Riff 2: Also, this only furthers my confusion as to where they are located right now. Because how could they be at the Krusty Krab if the last we saw of them was at the construction site chasing this dragon?] [Clappy Riff 3: Places can’t be employed by insurance agents. They can only be insured by them. Even then, since Tom and Tim are clearly the villains of this episode, they can’t profit off of burning down all these buildings. Only the insured can gain financially by “freak accidents”. Tom and Tim gain nothing by doing this. By all accounts, they are losing money because they have to pay the clients.] [OMJ: I'll genuinely give this story a good laugh if they really aren't the bad guys.] They chase up to the dragon. They notice it is headed toward the Bikini Bottom Dock, so they take a shortcut to get there first. The dragon then gets attacked by the red dragon, which buys the gang some time. [Clappy: Wha-?] Spongebob has set up a trap within less than 30 minutes. [Clappy: Oh come on, that’s clearly bullshit. Even me, being as big of a Scooby Doo fan that I am, can’t even begin to buy that those clever traps they set up are THIS easy to assemble.][OMJ: And I guess that means they didn't have to pay for any of the materials neither.] The 2 Sea Dragons rush toward the dock and start to clash. [OMJ: The biggest shock in this episode being that it's actually living up to the title.] The Red dragon attempts on breathing fire, but can't. It's flames start to fail. [Clappy: I guess you could say that the dragon is having performance problems. ][OMJ: *preformance problems] The Blue Sea Dragon rams into it and the 2 then cause a werehouse to collapse. [Grammar Police: Don’t you mean “warehouse”?][OMJ: Sounds like a monster idea for a new episode, jjs!] The 2 Dragons then fall into the ocean and get sprung up by a net which is being held by the tall crane. [Clappy: Okay, if these dragons are electronic, shouldn’t they be electrocuted, causing Tim and Tom to die?][OMJ: Aren't they technically already in the ocean?] Spongebob tugs them up. He says," Yay, my trap worked!" [OMJ: Scratch what I said earlier, this is the biggest surprise in this episode.] Mr. Krabs and Officer Nancy arrive. [OMJ: Ah yes, the obligatory appearance of Bikini Bottom's Only Finest.] The 2 Sea Dragons collapse. Sandy unmasks them. The Sea Dragons are actually robots! [Clappy: ] And inside the Blue one is Tim Dinger and inside the Red one is Tom Dinger! [Clappy: Yep, much to the surprise of no one that the half-assed establishment to these two being the villains are the villains. Wow, talk about being absolutely lazy.][OMJ: Alright, before the episode ends, inb4 Luke comments that we missed a fine opportunity to make an obvious joke about Avatar: The Last Airbender or something.] Officer Nancy says," The 2 Bikini Bottom Insurers? Why?" [OMJ: That's what Clappy would like to know.] Squidward then sees a flame pump in the dragon mouths. He then says," And now I know why the Red one couldn't breathe fire, because of the pipe I found! It fell out." [Clappy: One pipe can’t cause it to not breathe fire. What sort of mechanical witchcraft is this?] Tom Dinger says," Many years ago, we used to be traveling salesmen. But then, we started to go seperate ways. My brothers business was higher, [OMJ: Sure would explain a lot.] and then I started to increase mine. So, we became bitter rivals and then we created robot dragons to destroy each other's business!" [Clappy: This backstory is all over the place. Are we supposed to honestly believe that these brothers INTENTIONALLY caused all of this alleged damage over rivalry? Because I…I can actually believe it. The more money damage each brother has to pay now is a lot and…yeah I can believe. Key word though: CAN. Because there is one fatal flaw that prevents this from nearly making me give this story props. That radio advertisement. WHY WAS IT A JOINT RADIO ADVERTISEMENT IF THEY HATED EACH OTHER SO MUCH!?] Tim then says," And I would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for my meddling brother!" The 2 start to clash again and Officer nancy calms them down. [OMJ: By bashing them both in the head with a barrel.] Spongebob then says," The uniforms were ok, right?" Everyone then tears off their uniforms and throws them on Spongebob. [Clappy: At least the uniforms were okay. And this chapter was a clusterfuck. Good night everybody, and I’ll see you next time. Because if this story is supposed to become even more of a mess once jjs ran out of borrowed time with the source material….oh man, am I scared.][OMJ: So they're just gonna strip and commit indecent exposure in front of a police officer?] Edited October 18, 2017 by The Lich 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MMM Posted September 11, 2017 Share Posted September 11, 2017 Heh, wow. I could riff an episode if there are any spots 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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