Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 So, I had hope for these last few episodes after nothing but formulaic "murder-of-the-week" plots, thinking they'd lead to a decent, if poorly-written, finale that would tie up what little "plot" this had. But nope! It ends in SpongeBob becoming the last "victim-of-the-week" and ends with Krabs going off scot-free; a rather poor combination of the Karma Houdini and The Bad Guy Wins tropes. ...And then it gets revived for three episodes, with slight tweaking of the formula. This COULD have been good (hell, for all the flak Power Rangers Operation Overdrive got, I think it did well in this regard and taking a risk like that), but NOPENOPENOPE. Same premise as before, nothing to add. So, congrats, Killer Krab, for STILL BEING THE WORST THING I'VE RIFFED. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 (edited) The Killer Krab 17. Spongeploitation Spoiler [Fred: Ooh, wee! Two more!] Chapter 17: Spongeploitation [Fred: 4/20 title, not enough SB quotes.][OMJ: Ah yes, the other working title for this spinoff.] It had been a few days since Mr. Eugene Harold Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, [Fred: Yeah, we get it, sole proprietor and whatnot, no need to keep reminding us over and over.] hired his new, hip and so coral Krusty Krew. He had Danny and Arnold working the grills while Katerina wo-manned the register. [Fred: Don't you mean "Hurricane Katerina"? .......I'm sorry.] Krabs deliberately had SpongeBob's body buried over on Shallow Grave Road [OMJ: Oh, will you just decide where you wanna dump off all this dirty meat already!] with his head sticking out in order to make him easier for police to find. [OMJ: Even then, I'm honestly surprised they found him.] After about a month of thoroughly investigating the area, Bikini Bottom Police finally found his mildly decomposed square-shaped head on the side of the road. [OMJ: Case in point.] Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins here, reporting LIVE [OMJ: DON'T YOU DARE KILL PERCH!] just off of Shallow Grave Road, where local police has just found the body of something-something year-old champion fry cook, SpongeBob SquarePants, who has been missing for well over a month now. The scene has been described to me as pretty ugly and somewhat horrific, but we here at BBAN will show you it anyway because ratings. Bikini Bottom Action News, we bring the action straight to you! [Perch: because ratings!] Word of SpongeBob's death spread faster than barnacles. [OMJ: Or SUDs...] Everyone was affected by the loss of the town's most treasured fry cook, no longer able to subject their hearts to his attacks of fried foody goodness. Mr. Krabs, taking advantage of the town's grief, decided help fill the void in their arteries, and his pockets, by officially renaming the Krusty Krab the "Krusty Sponge" and SpongeBob quickly became the star attraction. Krustomers from far and wide arrived in droves, some even undertaking religious pilgrimage, [OMJ: lol k this is just a yellow sea sponge, not Mecca.] just to pay their respects to the loyal fry cook by spending money, and even riding, on various things bearing his porous likeness. [Fred: Our best friend died, but LOOK! There's a carnival dedicated to him! ] [OMJ: It could be worse. They could've superimposed his face on other people or splice in archive footage and pass em off as the real deal. As if this spinoff hadn't already spliced archive footage in here.] Mr. Krabs: Come ride me Porous Express! Just five easy payments of just $2 per ticket! [OMJ: ] Scooter: Duuuuude, that sounds AHAHAHAHAHAWWWWEEEEESOME! [Fred: Stop making him laugh so much.][OMJ: Watch out, Krabs might make you experience high tide by watching The SPLAT!] A group of teenage squid girls are seen in the bathroom. [OMJ: And welcome to The SQUID GIRLS ROOOOOOM!] Osquivia: Ahah, oh dear Neptune below, it's like my time of the month to ink! [Fred: Oh dear lord, did someone just put Squilvia's name through the washing machine?][Osquivia: I'm super on my time of the month!] Mr. Krabs comes barging out one of the stalls, with a toilet seat cover stuck to his poop deck, with dollar signs in his eyes. [OMJ: The Killer Krab? More like the Kreeeepy Krab.] Mr. Krabs: Then might I be so old as to suggest, tada! [OMJ: This episode has been brought to you in part by new and improved "Tada!" Side effects include nostalgiattacks, repetitiveness, wasting otherwise potentially good ideas and plot holes. Please consult with your Mr. Dr. Professor before using "Tada!". And please for the love of Neptune continue to consult with them after using "Tada!" Do not operate any brain functions while and after using "Tada!" People who are, or are thinking about getting into SpongeBob are advised not to use "Tada!" for it is clinically proven to ruin childhoods and lower brain cell counts. New, improved "Tada!"] Mr. Krabs shows them one of those bathroom dispensers. [Bill Cosby: Daww, you know what I'm talkin bout!] Mr. Krabs: The SpongeBoy Me Bob sponge fer all yer time of the month needs! [Fred: SBizSwag definitely won't be pleased.][OMJ: He'd probably want SpongeBob porn, all while claiming to be one that doesn't look at porn, himself. Or is that another SBM troll?] Esquizabeth: Grrl, you best hop on dat like yesterday! [Fred: Just use actual names, dammit.] Shanisqua: Mhmm! [Fred: I don't even think this is a "squid" pun at all.][OMJ: ] Osquivia: How much are they? Krabs: Just 75 cents! Yer first time is on the house. [OMJ: Gee, Mr. Krabs, you know, that's pretty generous, even for you.] Krabs puts his quarters in there, immediately pulls them back at using string, and out comes a yellow tampon with Spongebob's face on it. Osquivia puts it in her suction cup and it absorbs the discharging ink. [Fred: Put that thing away, there are, like, children here!] Osquivia: You are, like, so my lifesaver Mr. K! [OMJ: Oh cruuuuel irony.] She then inks from the rest of her suction cups. Krabs: I forgot to mention they be 75 cents EACH! Ar ar ar ar ar ar! [OMJ: THERE'S THE KILLER KRAB WE'VE COME TO KNOW AND DESPISE!] He makes Osquivia pay for about hundreds more sponges and from then on, Krabs continued making more money and there were no health inspectors to stop him from selling his tainted brand of sponge patties because he killed the only health inspector both in town and around. [OMJ: So that's this "dirty meat" I've been ranting on about for chapters on end.] Until one day, all the hoopla surrounding the post-SpongeBob craze finally stirred the curiosity of one man, one critic. [OMJ: What, am I gonna kill off Clappy next?] Mr. Krabs: Alright me lads! And me lass. [OMJ: True gender equality in the workplace.] Today, we be havin a very important player coming fer lunch this afternoon, and I want to make sure that he leaves and is taken cared of with utmost of care. [OMJ: So you them to take care of him after he leaves. I know I was aiming to change up the formula a bit with these newer episodes, but this might very well be be a little too ambitious to pull off in a coherent, competent manner.] The very future of the Krusty Sponge could be at stake! [OMJ: The risks taken here can be seen as almost revolutionary as to how not to take any risks.] Danny: Aaaaalright, Mr. Krabs, sir! [OMJ: Go git your braces tightened.][Fred: Danny? Danny Phantom? Is this a crossover now? Dammit, Nickelodeon!] Mr. Krabs: Aye, lad! Aye. [Fred: This presentation of The Killer Krab was brought to you by the letter "I"! Which stands for "ibuprofen"!] The glass doors into the establishment suddenly swing open and a purple fellow with Elastic hair, glasses and what could either be his mouth or his chin steps foot into the restaurant. [Fred: Elastic? He's in this spin-off? Is it because of all of those Rusty's Raping Rampage shills? I'm sorry. Blame Mr. Krabs for tempting me.][OMJ: Gotta love those sb wikis and their bizarre trivia and tidbits.] Mr. Krabs: Mr. Gene Scallop sir, I mean ma'am- er I mean POOBAH! Oh! Grrrr, Danny! GIT OUT HERE! [OMJ: Who would've thought that a simple switching out of names in a single catchphrase could be the shot in the arm that this spinoff needed!] Danny: Aaaaalright Mr. Krabs, I'm comin', I'm comin'. [Fred: Oh god, I think I found a catchphrase that's already worse than "The deed is done =)".] Danny brings out a smorgasbord of some the Krusty Sponge's popular dishes, so just Sponge Patties. [OMJ: Hey! I don't see the fried boot anywhere!] Mr. Krabs: Thank ye, lad! Only the best fer Bikini Bottom's favorite restaurant- Krabs turns back around to find that Gene Scallop has already left. Mr. Krabs: aficionado? What the barnacle?! [OMJ: I think he knew just what spinoff he was getting himself into and left while he still could.] The TV suddenly interrupts Mr. Krab's confused bewilderment in order to bring him this breaking news notice. [A Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt your confused bewilderment to bring you this breaking news notice! Because ratings!] Realistic Fish Head: Good afternoon, Bikini Bottom! I am a realistic fish head, here to bring you this breaking review bulletin from our very own, Gene Scallop! Gene Scallop: The Krusty Sponge, a fitting tribute or blatant exploitation? Ever since the untimely death of fry cook prodigy, SpongeBob Backsass SquarePants, [Fred: It'd be quite a surprise if "Backsass" was actually his middle name. I mean, it wasn't revealed yet in the series.] Krusty Krab owner, Eugene Harold Krabs, [OMJ: No "sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab"? This mothafucka is just begging to die.] has given the place a whole new paint job. Well, I stepped foot into the pigsty earlier today and I can tell you all this, it's a money mongering establishment looking to cash in and make a quick buck on someone I'm sure we all have some bipolar, changes with the wind, mixed feelings about. [OMJ: Well, it's true.] I implore each and everyone of you with anything close to a brain located in your skulls to stop it! Stop it...and stop putting your hard-earned money into this sweaty, old creep's pockets. [OMJ: Fun fact! This scene was a metaphor for me to personally implore everyone, but especially jjs, to stop liking this spinoff with blind praise and let me riff it already.] Money that he'll only use as a mattress or to bathe in. It's as unsanitary as it sounds and don't think he upkeeps the place any better! Oh, and the food, you all might be wondering [Fred: Yes, Mr. Scallop, everything stinks.][OMJ: This spinoff in a nutshell *cue photoshopped images of this photoshopped image literally inside a nutshell*] News Spokesman: This has been BBAN BREAKING REVIEWS [OMJ: why thank you FOR REMINDING US. Pulling for ratings and jump scares. Sheesh.] Mr. Krabs grabs the remote from behind the cash counter and calmly turns off the TV. He grabs a few napkins from a dispenser on one of the tables, takes a seat and wipes some sweat from his armpits before furiously throwing the remote right at the TV, breaking the screen on contact. Mr. Krabs: ARNOLD, KATERINA, GET OUT HERE! Arnold & Katerina: Alriiiight, Mr. Krabs, sir! [OMJ: Throw that on a shirt and sell it at Hot Topic.][Fred: dammitdammitdammitgodisn'trealdammitdammitdammitshutupalready] Mr. Krabs: We be closing up shop a wee bit early tonight. Arnold: Awesome! Katerina: Yeah, Mr. K usually keeps us here 23 hours a day. [OMJ: I'm pretty sure that's against some law in some place somewhere.] Mr. Krabs: But first, ye all will have to make a lil delivery fer me. Thirty minutes or less. Don't make it in time, I assure ye, it'll be yer poop decks on my wall! [OMJ: Woah, under aged butts on wall? Should've reserved the Kreepy Krab joke for this.] The teenagers head off to make Old Man Krab's delivery. We then see the inside of the BBAN Studios. Bob: Exemplary job on that review, Gene! Gene: Mhm, thank you. Barbara: Nice review, Genie Poo! Gene: Thanks, how are ya? Perch Perkins: Perch Perkins reporting live to Gene, to tell you job well done on that review! It spoke to me, deep within. [OMJ: You know you've made it in life when THE Perch Perkins rides your dick.][Fred: Okay, why the hell is everyone dick-sucking Gene Scallop now? It's not like he slayed a dragon and saved the town or something like that. No, all he did was critique something!][OMJ: It's almost like this is trying to be some social commentary or something.] Gene: Yes, thanks. Bob Flenny: Suck sea cucumber, Gene. Gene: Thank you, likewise. [OMJ: That got a genuine chuckle out of me.] Gene exits the studio building and enters the multi-story boatpark. He takes out the keys to his boatmobile in order to get in and go. [OMJ: Me in this riff right now.] ???: Excuse me, kind sir! Gene: Hmm, yes? He turn around to see Katerina holding up a pizza box. Katerina: Your Krusty Krab Pizza is here! Gene: What? I didn't order any pizza. Katerina: But Mr. Scallop, you are Gene Scallop, correct? [OMJ: Why he's Harold-, ummm, Flower!] Gene: Hmm yes. Katerina: We made this pizza special for you, baked to goodness to be hand delivered personally to you! [Fred: You misread. That's for I.C. Weiner.] Gene: I can appreciate the tailfin kissing, [OMJ: Gotta admire his self awareness.] but it'll take more than crap pizza to change my opinions on things. You can tell your boss that he can put that pizza where his mouth is because my money will not be going into his bed tonight- Suddenly, two figures in burger suits with under suits beneath [OMJ: Suitception.] pounce from behind opposite boats [OMJ: So...planes?] and attack Scallop. Katerina lets out a yelp and runs out of the way as one of the burgers put Gene in a full nelson and the other burger lays punches into him. [OMJ: Awww shit, this is when my Deathmatch writing experience gets implemented.][Fred: By "yelp", do you mean like a Yelp review?][OMJ: Yeah.] Gene manages to pull the burger holding him forward, making it eat one of the punches. Gene elbows back into the burger holding him and judo throws him into the second burger. The second burger lunges at Scallop with a barrage of punches but Gene blocks them all and lands a hard blow to what appeared to be the burger's abdomen before sending it flyin top bun first into the windshield of a boat. Scallop kicks the first burger down while it was getting back up to keep it grounded. [OMJ: Holy shit! Gene Scallop ain't nothin to fuck with.] Katerina: Excuse me, sir? Gene: Hmm, yes? Katerina: This one's on the house! She proceeds to knock the pizza box she was carrying right into Scallop's face. Scallop collapses to the ground, unconscious. [OMJ: Without a doubt the closest thing to a badass character to actually come out of this story, and he gets taken out by a pizza box. Did she have bricks in there or something. A box with some pizza in it can't do that kind of damage, maybe some burns at the most.] The two patty suits recover and approach the downed Scallop and Katerina. They remove the burger parts of their suits and breathe in a breath of fresh Squidward. [Fred: I wanna know what that smells like, actually.] Danny: Aaaalright, Katerina! [Fred: Shut the hell up, that's like the 3rd or 4th time you said that stupid catchphrase this episode!][Danny: Aaaalright, we got our asses kicked by a food critic!] Arnold: Quick dudes, lets scoop this guy up and drop him off. They pickpocket Scallop's keys, stuff him in the trunk of his own boat and drive off, with Katerina following close behind in the SpongeBob-themed pizza delivery car they had arrived in. [Fred: So where was this car when Squidward and SpongeBob delivered a pizza in the actual series?][OMJ: It disappeared off into the distance after Squidward literally kicked it into high gear.] Hours later, Scallop awakens in a daze. He stirs around on the ground he laid to pick himself up, but only finds himself to be tied up nice and tight. Arnold runs up and kicks him while he's down. [OMJ: Try and pull that shit when he's not tied down, punk! He'll wipe the floor with you again!] Arnold: How the Davy Jones does that feel, ya old fart! Uhhh, no offense sir, Mr. Krabs, sir! Gene: K-Kraaabs...? Mr. Krabs None taken, Arnold boy, me old. [OMJ: YOU DOODLE! ME OLD!] Because now he knows your name too. Arnold: Aw darn it. [OMJ: Well, you sent two guys dressed as Krabby Patties after him, along with a "Krusty Krab Pizza" delivery. That doesn't exactly scream "inconspicuous"!] Gene looks up around at his surrounding, above him was the starry, starry night sky. He knew he was at least outside. Gene: Help. Heeeelp- [Fred: Do you need somebody? Not just anybody?] Arnold kicks him a few times again. Krabs: Yell as high and mighty as ye like, genie, me boy. No one will ye. [Fred: What does it mean to "ye"? Is it "ye" as in "Kanye"? HAUH?!] Gene: W-Whats the meaning of this, Eugene? Krabs: Ye know exactly damn well what the meaning of this is! I invite ye into me restaurant, in me own dojo, and he have the nerve to slander the house I worked hard to built! [OMJ: What is this "he" business? This story is lost enough on a bunch of people as it is.] Years of me blood! Me sweat! Me tears! But- Gene: But mostly your sweat, yes, you can reference the show. Now can we move this along? [Fred: Wow........I never actually saw the day........ Finally! Someone in this show that's intelligent enough to call out every one of these stupid SpongeBob references! God is officially real now!][OMJ: Gene Scallop, giving absolutely zero fucks since 2014.] Krabs: I'm giving ye a chance to make right of what you made wrong, boyo. A second chance to tell a review another day. All ye have to do is recant yer blasphemy and paint the Krusty Sponge in a much more positive light, positively light as the walls of me livin quarters! What do ye say? [Fred: You think slavery is ever gonna change his mind?] Gene: You'll have to do better than that to change my opinion, Krabs. Krabs: Sigh, aye lads! We have ourselves someone stickin to his guns. Lets just see how well he sticks to the ground. Gene: What- A choo choo could be heard coming from the distance. Gene: W-Whats the Davy Jones is that? [OMJ: ] Krabs: Oh, I be hearin a train a comin! [Fred: Ooh, I know what that means! ] Gene attempts to sit up but Danny kicks him back down. Danny: Lay back and relax, old man, alriiiiight? Krabs: Tell me what I wanna hear. [OMJ: No free refills?] Krabs motions for Arnold to kneel down and hold a tape recorder to Gene's mouth. The train could be heard coming closer, the sound of a familiar "DAHAHAHAHAHA DAHAHAHA!" accompanying it. The emanating from the front of the training shines brighter and brighter the closer and closer it gets. [OMJ: Can we just get closer and closer to the end of this chapter already, I've kept jjs here waiting for my riffs long enough!] Gene began to sink back into his thoughts and began to question what he's been doing with his life, making a living based on nothing but reviewing restaurants for free food and rating them badly afterward just appease his own ego and stomach all because he couldn't cut it going all the way in the news biz, knowing full well someone with his physical features wasn't made to be on camera for more than five minutes at most. [OMJ: What a perfect time to throw in some exposition, right before the character in question dies a halfway horrific, yet slightly comical death!] Gene would usually stand by his word til the bitter end, resulting in bridges being burned and being the reason why he went from reviewing on the Today Show to Bikini Bottom of all places. [OMJ: Haha! Meta humor.] Throughout his entire career, he felt his position gave him power, the power to ruin others and make their lives more miserable than his. But this time, the first time ever, he felt absolutely powerless. Somebody has beaten him at his own game but the stakes, this time, are much, much higher. [OMJ: So Genie Boy here also sends masked assailants to abduct restaurateurs and have them get run over by a children's fun ride because greed and sadism, but instead Gene ruins lives where as Krabs just goes about ending them? Don't try and get philosophical on me now 2014!me.][Fred: Mr. OMJ, tear down this wall of text!][OMJ: There, I did what I could.] Gene: The Krusty Sponge is a fine, clean, absolutely sanitary establishment! [OMJ: Tell that to all the dirty meat both underneath the floorboards and all across God's creation, for all I know.] The leader of one the tightest knit crews I have ever witnessed at work, Mr. Eugene Harold Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, [OMJ: THERE WE GO!] has proven himself capable to sail this ship to greater waters beyond the horizon that other restaurants dare not to tread. [OMJ: Yeah, whereas most restaurants tend to just throw out their dirty meat all together, Eugene H. Krabs throws them out, then takes them back in and reuses em before rinsing and repeating. On second thought, I think Arby's might follow that same practice.] He cares about the well-being of each and every one of his employees, even after their services have long since been timed out, as seen with his treasured fry cook, SpongeBob SquarePants. [OMJ: Remember kids, it's a-okay to cash in on somebody's death as long as you were the one that killed them =)] There's the old saying, never to judge a book by its cover. I let that slip by me during my last review and I had to learn it the hard way. Things aren't always as they seem at first sight, but if you take time to really let it all in, get to know it, dig deep in the underbelly, of the crusty exterior, and you just might find something a little surprising you never could believe hidden underneath. And the food, oh, the food. It does. Not. Stink! [OMJ: ] Arnold stops the recorder and hands it off to his boss. Mr. Krabs: I thank ye kindly, Gene! I said I be willin to give ye a second chance to review another day. Dern shame it had to yer last. [OMJ: Oh my god. I am so shocked. Right now. Did not see. That coming.] Gene: But. But you said- Scallop manages to let out a shriek as the SpongeBob train, at the peak of its volume and brightness, proceeds to run over him over. A loud SPLAT could be heard before the sound of the train's automated SpongeBob laughter echoed through the area. [OMJ: Well, at least the splat actually matches the death. Sort of.] The train comes to a screeching halt, some of the train cars still covering the bloody mess where Scallop laid. Katerina comes out from the conductor's room [OMJ: Jeez, at this rate, why not just "the body room" at this point.] at the front of the train. Krabs lets out a sigh. Krabs: Ahhhh, the deed is done =) [OMJ: Never before has the "and the Rusty Train rolled on" quote been more appropriate for this spinoff. I wrote this episode as a way to sorta, get my licks in, make fun (or riff, as the young'ns call it) of this spinoff (such as Gene's, being a critic, self awareness of the tropes and the train thing at the end being a nod to the similarities to Rusty's). Cuz believe me, I've been lobbying to have The Killer Krab rightfully riffed for at least a good while. To be honest, looking back on all these episodes so far through these riffs, this episode was probably the one that had the most steam behind it. Pun intended. It didn't rely on flat out taking lines of dialogue for once (mainly because I didn't see the full original episode this was based off of at the time so I mainly went off of getting info and the gist of things from the wiki). It tried making its victim of the week at least somewhat competent and more of a threat than usual. We FINALLY actually get to see some more death in all its "gory" following the on-screen murder of Hervy in the episode prior. Not that this doesn't have its faults, like the countless "AAAAALRIIIIGHTS" and choosing to continue the monotonous aforementioned "victim of the week" formula instead of choosing to flesh out one of the more halfway likable characters to grace this spinoff. But compared to everything else that came before it, at least to me, this episode definitely has a leg up on them and comes into its own much better. Will the final episode continue that trend of baby stepping its away from the pack, or will it continue the trend of mediocrity laid out by the rest of the series? Stay tuned!] Edited March 9, 2017 by jjsthekid 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 50 minutes ago, jjsthekid said: Holy shit! Gene Scallop ain't nothin to fuck with.] Dang OMJ, that Wu-Tang Clan reference. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 1 hour ago, jjsthekid said: Help. Heeeelp- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted March 18, 2017 Author Share Posted March 18, 2017 (edited) Here is the last Killer Krab riff at long last! The Killer Krab 18. Pizza Man & Barnacle Boy Spoiler Chapter 18: Pizza Man & Barnacle Boy [Jjs: Here it is folks, the true final episode! In the finale, Pizza Man and Barnacle Boy...UNITE! Will this episode redeem the spin-off? Probably not, but it's worth finding out, maybe?! This wasn't written as an official finale, since OMJ actually just stopped doing the bonus episodes after this, but I can't blame him since there wasn't much else to do with these. More on that at the end.] [Steel: Well, this is it, unless its stay on the Spin-Off/Literature thread indicates that OMJ has another thing planned for this spin-off, but anyways, but I hope the old man has offered something good for The Killer Krab's final moment for Riffing Theater.] [OMJ: To answer you, Steel; I don't, and I probably didn't.] [Fred: Well, here we go. It's the final episode. Time to answer all questions asked throughout this spin-off. Who will be the last person Mr. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab, murders last? Will he murder himself? Will he murder one of us? Will the final deed be done? =) Well, let's find out! It's the finale of the--hey, what are YOU doing here? Be careful with that knife! Don't do the thing I bet you're doing right now! *gets stabbed by Mr. Krabs*] [Mr. Krabs: The deed is done =)] [The Ghost of Fred Rechid: Oh shit, Mr. Krabs killed me. Oh well! I'll still be riffing this in spirit. Let's finish this shit!] Only a day passed until word of Gene's death spread through town like crabs. [OMJ: or SUDs.] [Ghost Fred: Hey, crabs is a serious disease, don't make light of it.] [JCM: OMJ predicted Gene Wilder's death. Spooky.] [Steel: Get it? Because the spin-off is called The Killer Krab???] [Jjs: Only a day passed? I'm surprised it took them that long knowing the intelligence of Bikini Bottomites.] Police had found his body, flattened, off of Shallow Grave Road. [OMJ: That road has such a stigma to it, I hope the city and county will clean up its reputation soon.] They ruled his death as vehicular manslaughter, the driver having high tailfinned out of the scene before anybody could arrive at the scene. This type of tragedy only happens when SpongeBob is anywhere near a motor vehicle, which baffled the good ole boys in blue. [The Good Ole Boys in Blue: Maybe he turned into a zombie and jacked a car?] They found a tape of on Gene's person [OMJ: That's a peculiar thing to make a tape of.] at the scene and passed it along to Bikini Bottom Action News. They determined it to be Gene's final restaurant review and against their better judgement, let it play on the air because ratings. [Jjs: "Because ratings" sounds like why OMJ even bothered with these bonus episodes.] [JCM: To be fair, Hawaii's an expensive place to live in.] [OMJ: What JCM said.] Gene's final words showered praise toward the Krusty Sponge, which his colleagues found kind of strange since Gene never usually backtracks on his word, [Jjs: Shame, he might've made an actual good politician then.] but nevertheless, the moneymaker for BBAN had passed and it was the rest of the news team's time to shine [OMJ: Somebody call Norton.] and through their media prowess, Gene became an afterthought by the day after that. [Jjs: "An afterthought by the day after" sounds like my memory regarding every episode of the spin-off.] His last words would leave it's mark [Ghost Fred: ohai mark] [JCM: it is mark] on the Krusty Krab though, as business was booming even more, everyone wanting a taste of what Gene lauded. You could say that business went on as usual at The Krusty Sponge, owned and operated by sole proprietor, Eugene Harold Krabs. [Jjs: It wouldn't be the last episode without some moar repetition.] [Steel: It wouldn't be the The Killer Krab without the ole phrase catching.] [Ghost Fred: Eugene "Harold Flowers" Krabs.] [OMJ: I see 2014!me's got jokes.] The same familiar Eugene Harold Krabs who just struck familiar gold with a very familiar lucrative merchandising deal with two of the familiar town of Bikini Bottom's most familiar beloved. [Jjs: I...don't think OMJ knew what he was writing in this sentence.] [JCM: My head hurts just trying to understand that.] [Steel: Surely he was being linguistical for the sake of being linguistical.] [OMJ: Almost three years later, and I still haven't a fucking clue. ] Barnacle Boy: Listen here, sweaty, you have me and the old coot sold on this very familiar lucrative idea! [OMJ: What the fuck is supposed to be familiar here? The fact that he's gonna exploit you like he did SpongeBob?] Mermaid Man: Re-introducing Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy to a whole new generation! Yes, it's good to be back! [Ghost Fred: Without Ernest Borgnine? SHAME ON YOU.] [Jjs: The final episode having Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy is oddly fitting considering what's being riffed next.] Barnacle Boy: We're gonna be back, you old coot! [JCM: Who did he think would be back?] [Jjs: Whoa, he bolded the "we're". This is serious.] Mermaid Man: Who're you? [OMJ: I can't decide which of the two of you is older and cootier.] [Jjs: GET ME SUM APPLESAUCE, WOMAN!] Mr. Krabs: Aye lads, and with these new Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy silly meal toys for the kiddies, I be savin more money on me water bill by bathin in more cold, hard cash! Everybody wins! Ar ar ar ar ar ar ar! [Ghost Fred: I'm not doing it.] [OMJ: Including all the starving kids and homeless people! Ar ar ar ar ar!] Barnacle Boy: Yeah, "ar ar ar" and all of that but we will be getting our cut of the profits, right? [Steel: Not even like 10 lines in and Barnacle Boy acknowledges how old he is of Krabs' old shtick.] [OMJ: You will be getting a cut, all right. A pound of flesh cut right out of your body.] Mr. Krabs: Cut? Who be sayin anyting bout a "cut", boyo? [Jjs: Mr. Krabs used Cut! It was super effective!] [Ghost Fred: Mr. Krabs used Running Gag! It doesn't affect Ghost types.] [JCM: Can the Killer Krab evolve into a better spin-off?] Barnacle Boy: We're giving you rights to use our image for your merchandise, of course we expect cuts. It's not all about getting our names back out there, ya know. We're much too old to be in the superhero biz full time- Mr. Krabs: I'm not quite sure just how old I am but I be in this business for about as long as me first dime goes back, which I be assumin is the dawn of time! [Ghost Fred: In the beginnin', God created Mr. Krabs and his first dime.] [OMJ: What sort of ass backwards yo momma battle is this?] Barnacle Boy: We have bills to pay around the Mermalair too, ya know. All that crime fighting technology and do-dads and thingle-hoppers need to be running at all times. [Steel: And by "thingle-hoppers", they mean they got a collection of discarded, ocean-drenched forks? (It's actually called a dinglehopper, but still...)] [OMJ: All those forks must be off chasing the dish for running away with the spoon.] [JCM: Yo momma hopped my dingle last night.] Mr. Krabs: I ought to CUT YER HEART OU- arrr, of course ye two will be getting cuts, cross me heart and hope to see ye die. [Steel: Stick a cupcake in my eye.] [OMJ: I wouldn't be surprised if that's his method for killing all these people.] [Ghost Fred: Geez, Eugene, all they wanted was a haircut.] Barnacle Boy: What? Mr. Krabs: Just big business mumbo jumbo that ye need not worry about at this time! I tell ye what [JCM: Did Mr. Krabs kill the period that was supposed to be at the end of that sentence?] [Hank Hill: You better not be stealing my catchphrase, I tell you whut.] [Steel: God dang it, Eugene, stealing Hank Hill's lines, that boy ain't right.] [OMJ: When your murderous motives get caught, quote Hank Hill.] Mr. Krabs opens his safe, pulls out a roll of hundreds and hands it off to Mermaid Man, himself. [OMJ: Really? Just li'dat? Probably the closest thing to an actual twist in this story.] Mr. Krabs: Here be yer cut, spend it on a nice night out on the meatloaf and broccoli lines, [OMJ: Make it rain on those meatloaf and broccoli lines!] and I'll call ye both when I be needin yer services for the toy moldin. [Steel: Don't forget one part of the cut is for Barnacle Boy's extra fill on the broccoli, the boy needs his vitamins.] Mermaid Man places the money in his pocket [OMJ: Awww, not even the cup of his bra that also acts as a wallet, as seen in Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy IV? ] and sticks one index finger into the air. Mermaid Man: TO THE MEATLOAF! AWAAAAAYYYYY! [Jjs: STOP SHOUTIN' I'M NAPPIN!] [JCM: ALL CAPS MASTER RACE] [Steel: To the recycled quotes bin! Away!] [Ghost Fred: I guess two out of three ain't bad.] Mermaid Man runs out of the office with youthful vigor while Barnacle Boy struggles to shuffle his feet after him. [Jjs: Is he doing the Cupid Shuffle? It'd make sense for an old coot to shuffle to an old song.] Barnacle Boy: W-Wait up! Not too fast! [OMJ: Not fast enough, we're barely halfway through this episode!] Krabs pulls back on a string he had tied around his claw, [Steel: Reach for the skyyyyyyy] [OMJ: I'm so glad that running joke has officially come full circle.] revealing the other end to have been tied around the roll of hundred that just gave MM & BB. [OMJ: Ah, so this is where the random "he" from the last episode was supposed to be.] He reels the money back onto his desk and puts it back in his safe. [Jjs: "reels"? I see his dream fishing from "Sleepy Time" came in handy.] Mr. Krabs: Ar ar ar ar! What a couple of coots. [JCM: Says the guy so old he literally doesn't know how old he is.] Suddenly, Danny came barging into his office, uninvited. [Steel: His ghostly presence was cut short when he realized it wasn't the girls locker room.][OMJ: That's enough to warrant death on the Krabs scale of reasons to kill, right? PLEASE.] Danny: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [Steel: Line? Repeated Line? Repeated Line 2?][OMJ: PLEASE!!!] Mr. Krabs: Yes?! Yes?! Yes?! [Steel: Line! Repeated Line! Repeated Line 2!] Danny: Arnold! Arnold! Arnold! [JCM: Hey! Hey! Hey!][OMJ: IIIIT'S FAT ALBERT!] Mr. Krabs: Out with it boy, I don't charge ye to stutter! [Jjs: And I don't charge ye to pad out the episode, either.] [Steel: Sadly, you'll be charged with recycling old SpongeBob quotes.] Danny: Arnold was, like, totally out delivering some Krusty Krab pizza full-on blasting Ned and the Needlefish and whatnot when this Pizza Piehole car totally careened in and drove him off the road, messin up both him and the pizzas bruh! [Steel: What kind of drugs was this guy on to create this sentence?] [Jjs: I don't know, but I want whatever he's on. Might make this more enjoyable.][OMJ: Now, I shall use the bruh emote. ] [Ghost Fred: What Ned and the Needlefish song was he listening to? "YEEEEEEEEEEEAH"?] Mr. Krabs: Not the pizzas! NOOOOO! And what of the customer? [Ghost Fred: I don't give a shit about the customer.] [OMJ: Yeah, fuck if your teenaged employee possibly got killed while on the job.] Danny: Like, he didn't make it on time, yo. Pizza Pete totes beat him to it. [Steel: Can't forget to use teenage lingo, since they're teenagers.][OMJ: Pizza Pete must've had a rough childhood.] Mr. Krabs: WHAT?! That's me money drivin off with him! [Jjs: I see you drivin' round town with me money!] Danny: Arnold just suffered a few lacerations and sprain, thanks for like, wonderin- [OMJ: You're not welcome.] Mr. Krab: Danny, me boy, a good employee like Archibald [Steel: Geddit? Because his name is Arnold, Mr. Krabs misnames him as Archibald, which is a Hey Arnold! reference???][OMJ: Good eye.] are a dime a dozen. What can't be replaced is dollar dollar bills, y'all! [JCM: Krabs spittin' verse.] I know, I've tried and I got slapped with counterfeitin charges fer it. [OMJ: Fun Fact: This is where Krabs knew that they rape ye in jail back in the "A Date With The Health Inspector" two-parter.] Danny: Aaaalright, Mr. Krabs. Then what do you suggest we, like, do yo? [Jjs: Cocaine? You were probably on it earlier, yo.] [Ghost Fred: I should borrow his "hiptionary".] The phone began to ring near the register. [Jjs: "Hello, is this the Krusty Krab?"] [Steel: No, this is Patrick. Except it isn't Patrick, 'cuz he's dead.] Mr. Krabs: That must be another order, ar. Tell ye what, you and Katerina go handle that. I'll deal with Pizza Pete personally. [Steel: Don't forget the drink.][OMJ: Kinky.] [Ghost Fred: Can I deal with Party Pete?] Danny: But sir- Mr. Krabs: That be a direct order, boy. Now GIT before yer fired! [JCM: Pirate talk doesn't excuse you for confusing "your" for "you're".] Danny: Alright, Mr. Krabs, sir! [Ghost Fred: Shut up.] Danny ran out to the cash counter. Krabs got on his shellphone and dialed a number in. Mr. Krabs: Hello, is this Pizza Piehole... [Jjs: No, this is Pizza Castle, dumbass.] [Steel: I thought this was the Pizza House.] [OMJ: I think you're looking for Super Pizza Piehole.] [Ghost Fred: No, this is p........retty mediocre for a pretty mediocre show.] About ten minutes later, Danny and Katerina had the pizza all prepped up and ready to go. They peeled out in the Krusty Sponge delivery vehicle as Mr. Krabs waited patiently in his office. About ten more minutes after that, another delivery vehicle pulled in, the placard on the boat saying "Pizza Piehole". A male fish in a pizza costume emerged from the car with a box of pizza in hand. He looked up to see that his destination was the rival Krusty Sponge. Pizza Pete: What?! This can't be right, stupid GPS. [Steel: Well, certainly it isn't called the Shell Shack.] [OMJ: It took him until right as he pulled up to notice that he was at a rival restaurant?] He imputed the coordinates for his delivery again. [JCM: Next he should "impute" spellcheck onto OMJ's computer.][OMJ: iPad, actually.] GPS: You have reached your final destination. Pizza Pete: Just what the Davy Jones is up with this? [OMJ: It just wouldn't be a final episode of the Killer Krab without more Davy Jonesploitation.] He slammed and locked his door before entering the premises. Pizza Pete: Hello? Your Pizza Pieholes are here, asshole [Jjs: I love you too.] [Ghost Fred: i can speak in small talk too] [Steel: He can tell Mr. K to shove them up his pizza piehole any time.] Mr. Krabs: I'm in me office! Come on in! [OMJ: Oh my. God. Whatev. Er will happen. To Pizza. Pete?] Pizza Pete cautiously made his way to Mr. Krab's [Ghost Fred: Hate to be the ghost of a grammar Nay-zee, but it's KRABS'] office door and peered inside to see Krabs there, staring and waiting for him to come in, which he eventually worked up the courage to do. [Steel: Spoiler alert, Mr. Krabs kills Pizza Pete inside the office.] [JCM: But Mr. Krabs isn't a murderer???] Pizza Pete: Look Krabs, I don't know what kinda angle you're luring at here, but I know you're never one to spend your precious money on other eatery's products. Just what is this about? [OMJ: You trying to kill a teenager, for one.] Krabs: I can't treat me crew to something different fer once? Oh Pizza Pete, do get over yerself. Ye know that I don't see ye as competition! But from I've heard from the grapevine as of late, ye sure as Davy Jones sure would like to take on the fast food champeen [Zapp Brannigan: It's pronounced "cham-paggin".] [Steel: "Champeen?" So you mean there's a champion boxer working in the fast food industry?][OMJ: *championship kick boxer] around these parts, boyo. Now, I know a lil competition can be good fer business. I mean, look at how much the Chum Bucket's failures have caused me restaurant to blossom. But Plankton, he took things a wee bit too far. [Jjs: I think trying to steal your formula over 100 times is more than a "wee bit".] And I hear ye be hittin it a lil bit too close to home too. [Steel: But did the Chum Bucket always never succeed?] Pete: Hey, you brought this on yourself, Krabs. Just who the flying barnacle [JCM: LANGUAGE] do you think you are, trying to peddle your cheap knockoff pizza in this town, MY town?! You don't see me trying to pull a Domino's and sell sandwiches! [Ghost Fred: Dat Domino's shill tho] It's a lil something called fast food integrity, Eugene, something you obviously lack for someone so "business-minded"! [Steel: As far as I'm concerned with fast food integrity, Burger King has been selling hot dogs and chicken fries covered in fake cheese powder, and Taco Bell has been selling whatever the heck strange concoctions they made for a taco that don't contain the usual, traditional ingredients.] Krabs: Aye, but alas. We are what we are. It's called expansion- [Jjs: I actually read that as "exposition" at first, which is what this conversation pretty much is, fittingly.] Pete: I know damn well what that is! Remember Pizza Castle and how they thought they could rule over the other chains? Well, look where they're at now, assimilated into the Piehole. [Jjs: ...Oh, so that's what happened to Pizza Castle. ] [Steel: R.I.P. in pepperoni, Pizza Castle.] [JCM: Rest in pizza.] [OMJ: NOT PIZZA CASTLE!] Krabs: Ye tried takin out one of me crew- Pete: You tried taking away my business! An eye for an eye in our line of work, Krabs. You should know this by now. Krabs: Aye, eye for an eye. [Jjs: Aye eye, captain!] [Steel: Aye, my eyes are hurting from this little worldplay.] [Ghost Fred: Aye agree.] [OMJ: Are all fast food proprietors fucking murderous dickheads in this town?] Krabs wiggles around one his claws, moving a string tied around and using it to shut his office door closed and lock it. [Jjs: Tonight on Community Deathmatch, Mr. Krabs vs. Pizza Pete!] He then lunged at Pizza Pete and clamps his claws around his neck. Pete drops the pizzas he was carrying and tries fight back [Ghost Fred: Pizza Pete used Fight Back! It's not very effective.] [JCM: fails use grammar] with some futile punches and eye pokes, but Krabs remained relatively unharmed. His hold grew tighter and tighter, Pete quickly began to lose consciousness before falling to the ground completely. [OMJ: Yay! Another onscreen death!] Meanwhile, out on the road, Danny and Katerina finally reach their destination uninterrupted. [Jjs: Love how we abruptly go from a murder to a pizza delivery. I don't know why, but I found this transition honestly hilarious when compared to each other.] They exit the vehicle with pizza in hand and walk to the front door of the residence. Katerina rings the doorbell. A red, slightly overweight fish answered the door. Katerina: Your Krusty Krab Pizza is here, sir! [Jjs: Is the pizza, for you and me!] [OMJ: Shouldn't it be Krusty Sponge Pizza? Then again, that sounds like you're getting crusty sponges for toppings.] Red Fish: [OMJ: Red Fish must've had a pretty rough childhood.] [Jjs: I guess he got separated from one fish, two fish, and blue fish.] Thanks, I've been waiting forever for one of these! I called one in before but I only got Pizza Pieholes, those pompous pieholes over there can take their pizza and shove it where the moon hits your eye, ya know what I'm sayin? [Steel: In before he asks for his drink....][OMJ: That's amore!] Katerina: Sure thing, dude, that'll be $10.50 plus tips. Plural. [JCM: $10.50 plus tips minus a year of your life.] Red Fish: Sure thing, sunshine- Hey, wait a minute. Where's my drink? [Jjs: Hooray, more copypasta scenes, even with these new characters. Wouldn't be the last episode without them.] [Steel: You each had one job!...but this spin-off follows the rules of the usage of SpongeBob quotes and plot points, so this is expected.] [Ghost Fred: Yeah, and where's the originality too? Most of these lines have been 95% plagiarized from the entire show! Hell, most of this spin-off is SpongeBob quotes! Show some god damn originality!] Katerina: Your drink, sir? Red Fish: My Diet Dr Kelp? Don't tell me you forgot my drink! Gene said you give impeccable service? [OMJ: That lil slice of continuity tho.] Well I ain't buyin! The customer attempted to slam the door in their faces, but Danny holds the open. [JCM: He held the entire U.S. Open right there?] Danny: your drink, dude? That's all you want's, a drink? [Steel: You didn't hear him the first time?][OMJ: DRINKS ARE JUST A MYTH!] [Ghost Fred: Bad punctuation AND bad grammar? Damn, that's a twofer.] Red Fish: Look, kid, I'm not paying for an incomplete order! Now get going before I put in a bad call about your driving. [OMJ: Holy shit, Red Fish ain't nothin to fuck with.] Katerina: No offense, dude, but drinking diet soda with a fucking pizza aint gonna help that waistline. [Steel: The customer's going to be wanting some ice with that burn.][OMJ: And then they just give him one ice cube.] Red Fish: And just who do you punks think you're getting off at here?! [Red Fish: I'm Red Fish, dammit! That name means more than Gene Scallop in this town!] Katerina: If you really want to drop those lbs, you'll have to Katerina slides a pizza knife out from under her sleeves and rolls it along the customer's gut, cutting deep into him. [JCM: Gross. I like it.] [Jjs: It's too bad he didn't order from Randy the Oblivious Pizza Delivery Guy, since this most likely wouldn't happen with his service.] Katerina: Cut out all the junk food! [Steel: Well, that got dark pretty quickly.] [OMJ: Yay! Two onscreen deaths in the same chapter!] Red Fish: GAH! [OMJ: The Norwegerific supermodel?! WHERE?!] Danny kicks him in the gut for added measure, [OMJ: Fucking hell, kid.] causing some blood and guts to spill out, [Jjs: "some blood and guts" Only some. I lol'd. That's all I have to say, I think that speaks for itself.] kicking him back inside the house. They trot in their way into the house and shut the door behind them. All that could be hear then was the customer's cries for help and then a SPLAT before the abode fell into dead silence. [OMJ: Well, one onscreen death and a half.] Danny and Katerina would leave the home about twenty minutes later, having looted whatever they deemed valuable inside along with the customer's wallet. [OMJ: *borrowed] Danny: Aaaalright, the deed is done-a-mundo =) [Steel: Like father, like son.] [Jjs: Whoa, WE GOT ONE FOLKS! Someone other than Mr. Krabs said the catchphrase! ] [JCM: When will this chapter be done-a-mundo?] [OMJ: Did Rocket Power suddenly come on?] [Fred: Well, I'm not a ghost anymore as it turns out Mr. Krabs didn't murder me. Instead, he got his cronies to do it. And for the one person he made say the catchphrase, it had to be the stoner who has a catchphrase just as annoying as "The deed is done =)" so it all morphed into one stupid catchphrase said in a profoundly stupid way. I hope Krabsy murders you next, Danny boy.] Katerina: It's not, like, as eerie when you say it, ya dip. [Steel: It's a redundant catchphrase, ya dip.] Danny's shellphone rang and he answered. Danny: Hellomundo! This is the Krusty Sponge, home of the world famous- [Fred: Hellomundo, Dannymundo! This is Fred-a-mundo from Telemundo telling youmundo to shut the fuck upmundo!] Mr. Krabs: Can it, boy, or yer fired! [Jjs: Mr. Krabs should host Celebrity Apprentice.] [Donald Trump: Celebrity Apprentice ratings have been awful under that Krabs guy. SAD!] [Danny: Dear Neptune-a-mundo!] [OMJ: Raymundo! ] I'm callin in a lil business meetin with all the crew. We have a lil "negotiation" goin on at the Pizza Piehole. Pray follow, me boyos. Krabs hung up. [Fred: He hung himself? Story over, happy ending.] Katerina: If he keeps referring to me as a boy, Pizza Pete won't be the only one who'll totally be kissing his eye goodbye like a big pizza pie. [Steel: That's amoreeeeee.][OMJ: Spoiler alert.] They both get back into their boatmobile and speed off to their next destination. [Steel: Into the light where they'll never be seen again, since it's been almost two whole years since the spin-off has been updated? I think so.] [Fred: And then they went driving into the sun where the heat consumed their bodies and everyone is dead. Good riddance. And good riddance to this spin-off too.] [Jjs: Welp, that's really it for The Killer Krab. I'll give OMJ some credit that this bonus episode didn't end on another "The deed is done" gag. Shockingly though, that final line represents the spin-off overall. "Speeding off to their next destination" represents how I really wanted to speed through a lot of these episodes myself and get to the next episode. Because, to be honest? I was generally bored throughout the entire spin-off. OMJ man, I love you (interpret that how you will), and you are a great writer, but this just has not aged well at all. I know some people might be upset if they still like this, but like I've said before: just because something was liked back in the day doesn't mean it'll hold up now. While this is nowhere near as bad as other things riffed in this topic, it's not quite off the hook from being what I feel is one of OMJ's weakest works. For starters, let's get right to the chase, one of the biggest problems of the spin-off: The formula. Yeah, sorry, but Mr. Krabs the "sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab" killing someone, SpongeBob acting oblivious to it, and finishing the episodes off with "The deed is done =)" got old and stale, REALLY fast. Now, I don't mind formulaic works, but you better know how to make each episode an enjoyable experience. I just don't think OMJ really did much with the formula itself, or tried to come with much variety in them. Up until the original last three episodes (13-15), it was literally the same thing, every time. Again, that's not a bad thing, but you better make the rides enjoyable and come with variety. I can't really name any particular great jokes off the top of my head, or moments, which is kind of sad for a spin-off about Mr. Krabs being a murderer. None of the character deaths felt memorable to me because most of them were the same thing. But I bet you're all about to say "But wait a minute Jjs, you helped write Rusty's Raping Rampage, one of the most repetitive works in SBC history!" Well I'm glad you pointed that out. The comparison was inevitable, and I was teasing it in my end riffs throughout. Here's the thing. I know RRR got repetitive, and not every ride (heh) of that was gold, either. But at least even in early Season 1, Elastic and I tried to shake up the formula when it literally just started. We had several episodes where some victims didn't die at all (Drag, Ex, Mecha), one or two episodes without a victim, a tease of an ongoing side-story arc in the beginning (WhaleBlubber), and we tried to give the other crew members some time to shine with a different one killing the victim, even if some of those experiments didn't always work. My point is: even back in the beginning of what was going to be a formulaic work, we at least tried to already shake up the formula. But here...OMJ didn't really do any of that. I was hoping OMJ's clever writing would parody repetitive formulas, but he didn't. It just seemed like the formula controlled him rather than him controlling it, if that made sense. It was pretty much the same thing for twelve straight episodes without any variety, and while 13, 14 and 15 tried to differentiate from the formula, I don't think those were executed all that well either. And if these bonus episodes (16-18), were any indication, while at least there was some attempt to do things different, at the end it appears it was just going to be more of the same, with a strange new cast of teenage characters. I'm not sure if these bonus episodes really had a point at the end of the day, since it really could've just ended at 15. Like...I don't think there was enough material to make more episodes of this (which I feel like OMJ himself knew, but I guess they could've been worse). I don't know if OMJ would've improved on the formula if it continued, but that's why I compared Killer Krab's first season specifically to RRR's first season. Every episode just felt like a tedious ride to get to the death, and while you can say that about some RRR episodes, Elastic and I tried to make every episode a fun, weird, and batshit insane ride, at least. The Killer Krab just seemed like a slog to get through because honestly, I did not find many of the jokes to be funny throughout. A lot of the references to SpongeBob episodes felt very shoehorned in, and had nothing to do with what was going on in the actual context. I don't know if OMJ was trying to parody something with those, but it just felt very off most of the times. I also got tired of the copypasta scenes from episodes, since they were just reminding me of episodes I'd rather be watching, and I know OMJ can make his own witty dialogue. It's a shame, I think the idea of Mr. Krabs being a murderer could've been comedy goldmine, but I don't think The Killer Krab executed it as well as people think. It's cool if you still like this, but for me, I feel OMJ has done much better. It had some amusing parts, and brings some 2012 nostalgia, but I don't think it was that entertaining overall. Don't think I hate this though, I don't. It's not outright bad or anything. I still would give this a passing grade, since it is better than a lot of other things riffed like I said before, but I do think Mr. Krabs being a psychotic murderer could've been executed MUCH better than what we got here. I just feel this wasn't completely perfect as some toted it to be, nothing is. If you want to see OMJ doing a formulaic idea in a better way, look at Community Deathmatch, where it feels like he actually has fun writing each episode, and does something with said formula. Enough said, true believers! ] [Steel: Anyways, that was The Killer Krab, how exactly did I feel after having to sit through this spin-off? I did like it at first, but honestly it was....fairly alright. Yeah, I know, most spin-offs/lits don't tend to age well, like The Killer Krab for example, but even in the end, I still think the spin-off was decent enough. Because a spin-off or lit is part of Riffing Theater doesn't mean it's going to end up being a reviled spin-off in the end most of the time. Heck, I'm pretty sure there are some fellows who still liked SBC Parallel Universe quite enough. I think most of the value of a spin-off/lit being on Riffing Theater is how riffable it is, and spite the fact I still have a liking towards The Killer Krab, I enjoyed riffing it. With all fairness though, I wouldn't disagree that the spin-off had its FLAWS. The Killer Krab didn't suffer from being insulting, tedious, or unfocused, but without a doubt, it suffered from being really formulaic. Did I also mention the lack of transformative dialogue, where it was taking quotes from the actual SpongeBob SquarePants cartoon 75% of the time? This was also one thing that got tiring really fast. And funny thing is....he's not the only person to be a suspect for it. I am seriously against plagiarism, but I'll admit it, at one point I was driven to this. Just look at my old Lit, Steel's Digimon Adventure. I was in denial of being a less-than-large fan of Digimon, and the storylines were directly taken from the first few episodes of the first season of Digimon (one reason as to why I abruptly stopped writing for it), without any clear indication that it was going to be transformative. While the copy/pasted SpongeBob quotes got tiresome, at the very least, The Killer Krab, like every other spin-off, was made in dedication to SpongeBob, so in a sense, it was done through the means of making a homage to the actual show. While the copy/pasted dialogue and Mr. Krabs' and SpongeBob's characterizations got dull pretty quickly as well, the characters were fairly spot on. Add the occasional grammar issues into the mix of problems I've had with the spin-off, and then you half of my thoughts towards it. Heck, I also got some value from The Killer Krab. Without this spin-off, Cha would've never requested me to write a miniseries similar to this spin-off's concept. (My lit is called "Steelhorse Deathradish" for those who are wondering.) Another positive I have with The Killer Krab includes the concept of the premise, and I really like the concept. Yeah, we had Rusty's Raping Rampage first thing, TKK differentiates by not only being about Krabs killing his employees/customers, but it's also about Mr. Krabs dive into insanity. It definitely would've been executed better, (I would've preferred a little backstory on Mr. Krabs' violent behavior to make the spin-off feel less formulaic) I'll have to agree on that. If I don't hate this spin-off, does it mean that I feel that it's one of OMJ's weakest works? I'm not an open book on the glossary of spin-offs/lits on SBC, (because I rarely ever find the time to read them, even if I plan to do so.) but I'll say that this is one of OMJ's weaker efforts, and he's definitely created/written a lot better works. Just take a look at Community Deathmatch, his Slippery Smooth miniseries, and his written episodes for Skodwarde. So yeah, I thought this spin-off was alright spite being flawed, and that it has seriously soured towards the rest of my Riffing Theater peers. My point? Even some tolerable spin-off/lit works can be riff-worthy. Anyways, my time here is now done, it was a wonderful time riffing this spin-off.][JCM: Like Steel and jjs said, this spin-off is way too formulaic for its own good. Like the rest of SBC, I loved it when it first came out because the concept was funny and original, but wow, there was not enough there for 18 episodes. There wasn't enough there for 15 episodes, but at least the first 15 had a consistency to its badness. I don't even know what I just riffed. It felt like an episode of a totally different spin-off. I get the desire to create more for your fans, but it probably would have been a good idea to leave The Killer Krab as dead as Krabs' victims. Anyway, that's all I have to say. I won't subject y'all to another rant, and I think I've been hard enough on OMJ as is, though he and everyone else I've crucified will have a chance to get revenge on me soon enough...] [Fred: Look, the more I explain, the more I repeat what everyone above said. Stupid characters, stupid characterizations, stupid plots, stupid catchphrases, stolen dialogue, repetitive bullshit. Most of the words that describe this spin-off. It's not the worst, but it's definitely one of the weakest shit I've ever read. And with that, I wrap up by saying...... THE. DEED. IS. FUCKING. DONE. A-MUNDO. =)] [OMJ: Can't really sum it up much better than my peers here. So yeah, this was a thing. Felt good to riff some of my own shit for once because I got off the Killer Krab bandwagon like 3 years ago and was advocating for it to be riffed since. This was one of my first semi-serious efforts at writing something more full-length (because I was mainly just writing Skodwarde up til that point). Next to Skodwarde, I'd say this was the spin-off that really put me on the map back then, so despite how much it soured over the years, The Killer Krab will always have a place in me arteries somewhere. Especially since it was the first story I actually finished, well, at one time. At the time, I considered it a sort of love letter to the actual series, but now ehhh. In hindsight, I really should've just let it be at 15. Don't know what the hell possessed me to try bringing it back for another full season. I mean, I had already killed off a majority of the characters that people actually cared about from the show, so that just left me with minor/one-time characters at my disposal. Like others have mentioned, the last three episodes really went a different direction compared to the rest. Pretty much another reason why don't wanna consider them canon. I had an idea at the time to do a full blown SpongeBob/GTA crossover, but I guess I was too lazy to write it back then so I just sloppily spliced elements of it in along with other sources of inspiration such as The Following. Needless to say, it was a fail and did even more to damage The Killer Krab in my eyes. The rest of the series would've just revolved around Krabs killing Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy (which is pretty bad taste), beefing with rival restaurants and eventually turning on his teenage employees before meeting his demise at Jim's hand or some shit. I remember going through a phase after the Killer Krab initially ended where I was trying to get more similar spinoffs off the ground such as The Secret Box and Nautical Nonsense, but with Patrick and SpongeBob as crazed killers respectively. Tried making "lightning" strike twice, I guess. I remember The Secret Box did pretty well for itself at the time, perhaps something else to look back on and riff someday. If you wanna read a SpongeBob spinoff of mine that I actually still like to this day, try and find my Crime Wave (the closest thing to that SpongeBob/GTA spinoff) one-shot I entered into a Snowcember Fest writing contest a couple of years ago. Glad I had the chance to finally give this story the riffing it deserved and I wanna thank the rest of the current Riffing Theater crew (even some og TKK fans from back in the day) for coming along for the ride. Now, what are the Post Fiction's chances of getting riffed?] See the News topic if you are curious on what is being riffed next, and let me know if interested. Edited March 18, 2017 by jjsthekid 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Ahhh, the deed is done, and how fitting too. =] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 Excellent string of final riffs. Shame this show had no true resolution with the bonus episodes, but meh. At least I can imagine my own ending. I think it would go something like the pizza truck exploding after driving off a cliff and Mr. Krabs ending up in Davy Jones' Locker again...but this time, he has to deal with Davy Jones' wrath for ruining his locker. Or even better, something like this... "Are you ready for your interview, Mr. Kenny? " 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted March 18, 2017 Share Posted March 18, 2017 4 hours ago, Metal Snake said: "Are you ready for your interview, Mr. Kenny? " So, it'd just be something Tom Kenny imagines up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post Jjs Goodman Posted March 28, 2017 Author Popular Post Share Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) Starting our next project with two riffs back to back! Here is the closest thing JCM considers to be a personal shame he has. Mermaid Man: The Aquatic Avenger 1. Sneaking Suspicion Spoiler [Jjs: Now we're starting what JCM considers the closest thing he has to a personal shame. I'll be honest and say I don't really remember anything about this upon entering. I mean, I remember reading it back in 2013 and liking it, but I don't remember anything from it, which could be a good or bad thing. As someone who previously wrote a Mermaid Man spin-off, I am curious to see how this goes.] [JCM: While I wouldn't say I'm ashamed of this, I'm not too fond of it looking back. This was basically just an attempt to make my own version of Batman: The Animated Series, but restricting myself to around 50 lines per episode made any meaningful plot development impossible, and it led to a lot of episodes feeling rushed. I planned to do a second season of longer, hopefully better episodes, but it never happened, so this is what we're stuck with.] [Hayden: I'm sure JCM has a full on shame he's just not telling us about.] [Katniss: Time to throw my hat back into the riffing ring again! I've never heard of this spin-off before so I have no idea what to expect, which could go either way. *rubs hands together* Let's do this thing.] [Renegade: o hai kat LET'S DO THIS! ] [Fred: I'm here too. Let's do this. You know the drill.] Episode One: [Renegade: The Phantom Menace?] [Jjs: Cool graphic. Hopefully this doesn't end up being the only thing I like.] [JCM: I made these logos in a generator online because I'm lazy and don't know how to art.] [Hayden: I could start calling myself an artist if I just went and found the proper websites/tools? Yippee!] [Renegade: Nonetheless, it's pretty good JCM. Very comic booky, and given the tone, and your inspiration, I'm not surprised.] (We open in a dark alleyway at nighttime. [Jjs: I sure hope a murder or rape isn't about to happen with how damn dark JCM is starting this spin-off.] [Hayden: Alleyways are the least cliche places for crime to happen in.] Gangsters Frank and Barry are unloading sacks of money from a pickup truck.) [Hayden: ] [Jjs: Frank Sinatra and Barry from Pokemon? Interesting combination I just winged on the fly...] [Renegade: Frank and Barry? What's next, Count and Chocula?] [Fred: Boo. Where's Lucky and Trix Rabbit?] Barry: Why are you so quiet tonight, Frank? You're usually blabbing up a storm during our warehouse shifts. Frank: I'm just a bit uneasy. Did you hear about the mermaid man? [JCM: puts "the" in front of superhero name to make it super serious] [Katniss: The Mermaid Man? The Mermaid Man! Do you know the Mermaid Man who lives on Drury Lane?] [Fred: Mermaid Man? You mean the Mermaid Man? The Mermaid Man that defeated the ruthless villains of The Bad Guy Club for Villains in Bikini Bottom? That Mermaid Man? ......I WORSHIP HIM!] [Renegade: "No, but you need to check your privilege and stop being so transphobic, CIS SCUM." Sorry, I won't make any more political jokes for this, promise.] [Hayden: They prefer the term "Merman". Mermaid pronouns.] Word on the street is he's been pummeling our boys for the last several days now. Barry: (laughs) Mermaid man? You actually believe those rumors? Come on! We don't have to worry about some idiot in a bra! [JCM: They hide his man boobs of steel.] [Hayden: Actually, that seashell bra is so small that it hardly covers anything besides the nipples of steel.] Frank: I don't know. They say that he can fly, shoot waterballs. We should probably watch our backs. Barry: Fly? Shoot waterballs? That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! [Jjs: Almost as ridiculous as the story about talking sponge who lives in a pineapple under the sea.] [Renegade: Waterballs! WATERBALLS!] [Hayden: The equivalent of shooting air at people when you live underwater.] [Fred: Don't go shooting waterballs! Please stick to the powers and weapons that you're used to!] (Zoom out to reveal Mermaid Man floating behind the gangsters.) Mermaid Man: I'll say! (The gangsters drop their sacks [JCM: By sacks, I mean nutsacks, because they both became men that day.] [Hayden: Holy testosterone, Mermaid Man. How will you get out of this jam?] and run, and Mermaid Man flies after them with a waterball ready in his hand.) (The theme song plays.) [Jjs: What's the theme? Wow, much like Bikini Top, JCM can't even show us what the theme is. I am disappointed. ] [JCM: Just like I don't know how to art, I don't know how to music.] [Hayden: ] [Katniss: I'll just imagine this as the theme because why not: ] [Renegade: Nah, Kat, it's more like: Except just replace "Batman" with Mermaid Man.] [Fred: I told myself I wasn't gonna play the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme whenever the theme song appeared, and I won't. .....I will play the Sunny in Philadelphia theme though. ] (Cut to the local park. [Jjs: JCM used cut! It was super effective!] [Fred: Not effective against my riffs though.] [Renegade: Is it the amusement park, industrial park, hell, maybe Jurassic Park?] A boy is playing fetch with his worm when he throws the frisbee too high and it goes into a bush.) [Hayden: Everybody knows snails are better pets than worms.] Boy: Oh, barnacles! [Jjs: Do you kiss your mother with that mouth!?] [Fred: I'd kiss his mother with my mouth. Mmmmmmmm--wait, where was I?] [Renegade: Sometimes, but not...recently.] Mother: Billy, language! [JCM: Stretching that PG rating out for all it's worth, I see.] [Katniss: Go barnacles yourself, Billy's mom.] [Fred: He's speaking English, Mrs. Boy.] Billy: Sorry, mom. (Billy runs to the bush, but when he sifts through the leaves, he finds that his frisbee is missing.) [Jjs: ] [Hayden: The Case of the Missing Frisbee. Sounds like a job more suited for Spongeboy.] (Cut to Mermaid Man's house. Mermaid Man, wearing nothing but a towel, [Fred: Dude, put that thing away! There are, like, children here!] [JCM: Fanservice for all one of this spin-off's female readers.] [Katniss: Eh, I think I'll pass on that.] [Hayden: It's the young one, Katniss, so I'd reconsider. He's quite strapping.] walks down the stairs and turns on the television.) News Reporter: The latest in a string of petty thefts has the police department grasping at straws. [Jjs: Great, another incompetent police department. We might as well add them to the list of incompetent police forces in spin-offs with ATTWL 3's, Bikini Top's, and Runaway Sponge's.] [Hayden: Maybe they're following a trail of stolen straws.] [Renegade: If they're as incompetent as jjs says, then the police better keep an eye on those straws.] Mermaid Man: Petty thefts? [JCM: Apparently Tom Petty will be the show's first villain.] [Fred: Don't worry, JCM. I'm sure Mermaid Man won't back down.] [Jjs: Someone stole a frisbee man, this is some serious shit. I wouldn't call that "petty" at all. Who knows what evil they can unleash with that frisbee?] [Katniss: Must be a slow news day if a missing frisbee makes television news.] [Hayden: A frisbee is the disc of ultimate power. Its levitation powers cannot be harnessed in the wrong hands!] [Renegade: I'm just imagining Mermaid Man's tone being flat when he says that. Like, "Petty thefts? You're kidding."] Reporter: We have one of his recent victims here to describe what happened during their encounter. [Renegade: "Victims"? You make it sound like it's some big serious crime, but it's just petty theft, man!] Old Lady: I didn't even know he was there until I saw him running off with my purse. A sneaky lad, I'll tell you. [Hank Hill: *I tell you what] [Hayden: So she didn't even feel the purse being physically taken? Maybe granny just isn't that observant.] Reporter: There you have it. Who's this mysterious criminal, and will the police ever find him? Updates at 6. [Jjs: Mermaid Man, where are you!?] [Hayden: What if there is no update by 6? What will you fill the half hour with then? The latest on a missing piece of grass?] [JCM: Mermaid Man's trying to watch the new Bold and Beautiful, but your stupid breaking news won't let him.] [Fred: Must be the "Mystery Vigilante" from SpongeBoy.] (Mermaid Man turns off the television.) Mermaid Man: I better go investigate this. (Mermaid Man sprints into his room, puts on his costume, and flies out the window.) Mermaid Man: (patrolling from the skies) Nothing fishy so far...well, besides all the fish. [Jjs: *drum snare*] [JCM: Weak pun is weak.] [Hayden: ] [Katniss: ] [Fred: Wow, that joke sure hasn't been made before.] (Mermaid Man starts to turn back before noticing a hermit crab pickpocket a man on the street.) [Hayden: Klutzy? Is that you? ] [Jjs: Love how he just now did it out in the open, despite apparently being "sneaky" enough to not be noticed before. Gotta love plot convenience.] Mermaid Man: Bingo. [Renegade: Was his name-o.] [JCM: Bingo night isn't 'til Tuesday.] [Patrick: G7?! King me! King me!] [Hayden: Bingo is fun for all ages. ] (Mermaid Man swoops down and punches the hermit crab in the gut, causing him to drop the stolen wallet and attempt to scatter away.) Mermaid Man: Oh no, you don't! (grabs the hermit by the shirt) [JCM: ] [Hayden: Who even tailors that shirt size?] [Fred: I'm not sure if hermit crabs have shirts. Or anatomies for that matter.] Sneaky Hermit: Well, well, well. If it isn't the famed Mermaid Man! Mermaid Man: The one and only. Sneaky Hermit: What are you gonna do, now that you have me? Turn me over to the police? [Jjs: No, he'll let you go because he's nice.] [Katniss: I think he'll at least take you out to dinner first.] Mermaid Man: That's the plan. [JCM: How anticlimactic.] [Hayden: ] Sneaky Hermit: Well, try turning me over... (takes out a bottle of pepper spray) when you have THIS in your eyes! (The Sneaky Hermit plasters Mermaid Man with the pepper spray, and as the hero [JCM: who] covers his eyes in pain, the Sneaky Hermit makes his getaway.) [Jjs: Pepper spray, Mermaid Man's true weakness!] [Hayden: This is why I never put pepper on anything.] [Fred: ] [Renegade: ] Sneaky Hermit: (laughs) The wondrous things you can find in an old lady's purse! [Jjs: ...Now I'm curious as to what other "wondrous things" are in an old lady's purses.] [JCM: Mints, of course!] [Hayden: Types of candy that only people with expired taste buds eat.] [Katniss: She keeps her bloomers in there so Mr. Krabs won't get them during the panty raid.] [Renegade: Or use them as a murder weapon.] [Fred: Or maybe bad medicine. Dedicating this Bon Jovi reference to Spongetron.] (Mermaid Man uncovers his now-red eyes and growls furiously. He throws a water ball at the running hermit, but the villain [JCM: who] dodges it.) [Hayden: I'd say he's seeing red but he was already looking at a hermit crab before the eye stinging.] Sneaky Hermit: Face it, Mermaid Man! You'll never stop me! Mermaid Man: Oh, yeah? [JCM: Love to see a grown man talking like a middle schooler.] (Suddenly, the waterball reverses its path and starts heading for the Sneaky Hermit again.) [Fred: Oh yeah, the waterball existed. I didn't notice because somebody sprayed me with pepper spray.] Sneaky Hermit: WHAT? [Renegade: No, What's on second.] [Hayden: If only he dodged instead of saying "WHAT" in all caps. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.] (The waterball splashes in the Sneaky Hermit's face, causing him to fall to the ground. Mermaid Man flies up to the defeated criminal [JCM: who] [Renegade: The name of the baseball player.] and handcuffs him.) Mermaid Man: What do you think of my new boomerang waterball? [Renegade: Hopefully it won't become a Cartoon Network 2 waterball.] Sneaky Hermit: This is not over, Mermaid Man. [JCM: The status bar in Notepad suggests otherwise.] [Fred: Yeah, Mermaid Man! This spin-off already began!] (Cut to a shot of the Sneaky Hermit in a jail cell.) Sneaky Hermit: THIS IS NOT OVER! [Jjs: We heard you the first time.] [Fred: It isn't? Aw man. ] [Hayden: Well, at least JCM didn't have a character say this on the chapter it's cancelled in.] [Katniss: ] Prison Guard: (eating a donut) Shaddup! [JCM: Get it? He's eating a donut because he's a cop, and cops have to eat donuts! That's the only reason I have for adding that useless description.] [Fred: ] (The Sneaky Hermit take the frisbee [Jjs: The Sneaky Hermit take thing like caveman.] [Katniss: The hermit crab should've been arrested by the grammar police.] he stole at the beginning of the episode out of his pocket. He turns it around to reveal that there's a stick of dynamite attached to it. He laughs maniacally.) [M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!] [Jjs: I'll admit though, this was actually a pretty good twist. At least the frisbee ended up having a point, and didn't end up being a filler, so I'll give JCM points for that.] [JCM: Unfortunately, I'll have to subtract points from myself for not explaining how he got a frickin' frisbee attached to dynamite past the guards. I get the policemen here suck, but come on!] [Hayden: Who cares about the dynamite helping him escape, when somewhere, a little boy won't ever get his frisbee back. ] (Cut to Mermaid Man's house. Mermaid Man is watching a black and white sitcom when it's interrupted by another news report.) Reporter: Breaking News! The Sneaky Hermit has escaped from prison! Mermaid Man: (sighs) And during my favorite show, too. (puts on gloves and flies out the door) [Jjs: Don't you just hate it when criminals break out of prison during your favorite show?] [JCM: If people have to die while I finish Breaking Bad, so be it.] [Katniss: Come on, watching a sitcom is obviously the priority here! Way more important than doing his duty to protect the citizens of Bikini Bottom.] [Hayden: Cut him some slack, I'd finish binging my latest premiere before making a homeless crab my priority.] [Fred: Well, it could've been worse. Nick Studio 10 could've interrupted it.] (The End) [Fred: A-beda-beda-beda-beda-beda-That's all, folks!] [Jjs: Although this could have maybe used some more meat to it, I'm enjoying this so far, even with some cheesiness here and there. But JCM wanted this riffed for a reason, so I guess we'll see how the rest goes.] [Katniss: Yeah, I liked this more than I thought I would. It's definitely more lulzy levels of bad than painfully bad, at least.] [Renegade: This isn't bad, really. JCM has a natural talent for writing, but here it's downplayed, giving this a "so okay, it's average" sort of quality. I look forward to reading more.] [Hayden: My only critiques would be the lackluster villains and the fact that for an introductory chapter, I don't think this established much. Otherwise, glad to finally tackle a spinoff about Mermaid Man, and one that doesn't corrode my nerves to a pulp.] 2. Mask of Terror Spoiler Episode 2! [Jjs: Another cool graphic. At least I can count on high quality graphics even if the episodes themselves aren't!] (We open at the local malt shop, where teenagers are dancing to the latest underwater hits. A man with a red-and-blue suit and mask walks into the malt shop and pulls out a raygun.) Masked man: Nobody move a muscle! (The teenagers continue dancing. The masked man shoots at the parlor's jukebox, causing it to explode. [Jjs: The masked man must really have hated what was playing on the jukebox.] The teenagers run to the other side of the shop in fear.) [Trophy: Teenagers, too stupid to realize their lives are in danger! Wait, that's actually accurate we are that dumb. Alright, move on.] Masked man: Thank you. [Trophy: At least this super rich person who somehow earned a ray gun is courteous to thank his victims.] (The masked man walks to the counter and tickles the shaking cashier under the chin.) [Trophy: Tickles or lightly scratches, there's a difference with one being a slight touch for further intimidation as one wrong move by the victim allows you to instantly snap their neck, and the other is the beginning to a bad porno.] [Katniss: He...tickled him...what? Is this supposed to be some type of bizarre interrogation tactic?] [Teenj: A masked robber with a tickling-fetish. I mean, I'm not one to kink shame, but...] Masked man: I'd like a seafoam soda, a kelpshake...and all the money in the cash register. [Trophy: Seafoam is a flavor? Sweet, I'd like to try that out!] [Katniss: A soda and a shake, daring today, aren't we? Seriously, though, way to make your robbery be the afterthought.] (The theme song plays.) [Teenj: ] [Jjs: ] (Cut to another part of town. Mermaid Man is patrolling the streets in his invisible boatmobile when he hears a faint explosion.) Mermaid Man: What was that? [Jjs: A faint explosion.] (Mermaid Man turns the boatmobile around and speeds through the city, reaching the malt shop just as the teenagers desert it.) Mermaid Man: (jumps out of the boatmobile) Hey, kid! (Mermaid Man grabs one of the teenagers by the arm. The teenager tries to break his grip, but fails.) [Jjs: Two episodes in and our hero is assaulting a random teenager. Uh oh!] [Trophy: I get that he's panicking and all, but how does he not know a guy who parades around in an invisible boat THAT IS SPEEDING for the world to see? I'm pretty sure if that doesn't classify him has a Grade-A Nutcase and threat to the public, he'd be someone you instantly recognize and praise.] Mermaid Man: What's going on in there? Teenager: This guy in a creepy mask robbed the place! Mermaid Man: Really? Where did he go? Teenager: I don't know! He left out the back door! Can you let go of me now? [Jjs: Rude brat, don't you know you're talking to THE Mermaid Man?] Mermaid Man: Fine, fine. (Mermaid Man releases his grip on the teenager and flies over the malt shop.) Teenager: (dumbfounded) I should not have taken those pills this morning. [Trophy: I should not have taken the past few riffing jobs.] [Katniss: I'm confused as to how all those other people recognized Mermaid Man last chapter but this teenager doesn't. Oh well, must be the pills...don't do drugs, kids.] (Cut to the masked man, who counts his loot while running from the scene of the crime. Mermaid Man spots him from above and lands in front of him.) [Teenj: Honestly, did he really think it was a wise idea to count his stolen fortune while fleeing from authorities/Mermaid Man?] Mermaid Man: Halt, villain! Masked man: (laughs) Wow, that's the cheesiest thing I ever heard. [Jjs: At least JCM is being honest on the cheesiness.] And I'm from Wisconsin, so that's saying a lot. [Jjs: CNF, is that you? But haha, I get it. Wisconsin and cheese, clever. Sadly though, in context of what's going on, this joke doesn't really make any sense when you actually think about it. Spoiler alert, and correct me if I'm wrong, but the villain this masked man ends up being had no indication of ever being human in any SpongeBob episode they've appeared in. Even if JCM wants to make him human, how could they've moved from Wisconsin to the underwater world? Yeah...I feel like this joke worked a lot better in JCM's head than it did on actual paper, a problem I feel will continue in this spin-off.] [Trophy: So is this man really Vlad Masters? ] [Katniss: That joke deserves at least a C+ for effort.] Mermaid Man: Wisconsin? Wait, you're from the land? [Trophy: Fuck Wisconsin. Seriously. Cleveland is the true land!] [Katniss: Spoiler alert for the end of the chapter but Man Ray is from Wisconsin, apparently. Sure, let's go with that.] Masked man: Enough chit-chat! If you want to fight me, let's fight! [Teenj: ] (The masked man pockets the stolen money and takes a swing at Mermaid Man. Mermaid Man dodges and uses his heat vision to burn a hole in the masked man's pocket. The money falls out, and Mermaid Man grabs it.) [Trophy: Good thing that didn't burn the money as well, huh?] [Teenj: Cartoon logic, amirite!] [Jjs: That money must be heat resistant. Impressive, what will they think of next?] Masked man: Hey, give that back! [Katniss: Telling the hero to give you back something you stole always works. Great job!] Mermaid Man: Give what back? This? (sticks the money in his shirt) Come and get it! [Teenj: Careful, MM. He might tickle you. ] [Jjs: Wait, why he'd stick the money in his shirt? I don't think the cashier would want money back that's been stuck inside someone's shirt, even if they're a superhero.] (Mermaid Man soars into the air, and the masked man pulls out his raygun. He shoots at the hero a few times, but he misses, watching helplessly as Mermaid Man flies away.) Masked man: You have not seen the last of me, mysterious flying man. You have not seen the last of Man Ray! [Jjs: So in JCM's continuity, Man Ray is apparently from Wisconsin. *points to my riff many lines ago about the strangeness of that implication*] (Cut to the malt shop. The owner of the establishment is cleaning up the masked man's damage when Mermaid Man walks in.) [Jjs: Why are you still calling him "masked man" when the line above just told us he's Man Ray? Don't go all Down Under cryptic on us.] Owner: Sorry, but we're closed. (sees Mermaid Man) You! The Mermaid Man! I read about you in the newspaper, but I thought it was just more sensationalist garbage. [Jjs: I can tell you that a story about a flying mermaid man wouldn't be the most out there story today.] What are you doing here? Mermaid Man: I'm here to give you your money back. (Mermaid Man takes the stolen money out of his shirt, and the owner receives it graciously.) [Katniss: He's reacting pretty graciously to money he just watched someone take out of their shirt, but I guess money is money.] [Jjs: I guess the owner doesn't have any problem with money being stuffed inside a person he's never met before's shirt. Alrighty then.] Owner: I...I don't know how to thank you. Mermaid Man: All in a day's work! Now, if you excuse me, I have a rogue to bring to justice. Owner: Good luck! Make sure to give him an extra-special hit for me! [Trophy: And not for the teenagers he scared earlier!] Mermaid Man: Will do! (Mermaid Man races out the malt shop and climbs into his invisible boatmobile, turning on the radio for further news of the masked man's mayhem.) Reporter: (on the radio) And Man Ray is at it again! Mermaid Man: So his name's Man Ray... [Katniss: You didn't hear him when he said his name earlier? I know Mermaid Man isn't the sharpest tool in the drawer but still.] Reporter: Robbing a gas station on 58th Shell Street, he... [Teenj: Goodness, has Man Ray always been this lame? I want to see something more exciting than a series of bank robberies.] (Mermaid Man switches off the radio and drives to the gas station of 58th Shell Street. Once he gets out of the boatmobile, he sees three worried fish, tied to wooden chairs, on a puddle of gasoline.) Mermaid Man: Who did this to you? [Teenj: Who else...?] Man Ray: (offscreen) Do you need to ask? [Trophy: Well it depends. Does Bikini Bottom have any other criminals? Someone else could've used Man Ray as a distraction and be the true mastermind behind this.] (Man Ray appears from behind a gas pump with a lighter in one hand and a raygun in another.) Man Ray: Come any closer and I'll blow these civilians sky high! Mermaid Man: (grunts) Alright. You win. [Jjs: Wow okay, you give up really easily.] So, what are you going to do now? Run off with the money you stole? Man Ray: Yes, but first I'm going to kill you. (Man Ray shoots at Mermaid Man with his raygun, but Mermaid Man dodges the blasts and throws a waterball at Man Ray, causing the villain to drop his raygun and fall into the puddle of gasoline. Man Ray reaches for the raygun, but Mermaid Man quickly grabs it and points it at him.) [Jjs: That fight happened so fast I forgot to blink.] Man Ray: No! (slams his fist into the puddle) No, no, no! [Trophy: This seems too easy...Man Ray still has the lighter and the gasoline, and can't he also fly?] [Katniss: Man Ray has devolved into a toddler who didn't get his way. Aw, it's kinda cute.] [Teenj: LAAAAAAME.] (Cut to a shot of Man Ray, handcuffed, in the backseat of a police car.) [Trophy: I guess not? OK then.] Man Ray: (chuckles lightly) That Mermaid Man fellow...I feel we'll be seeing a lot of each other in the coming years. [Trophy: Like when you fail to kill him like the true villain you are?] (The End) [Katniss: An anticlimactic battle between Mermaid Man and Man Ray, plus the chapter didn't live up to the "terror" in its title. Can I have my money back?] [Teenj: Definitely anticlimactic, which I feel will be the case for most of these going forward.] [Jjs: That was kind of strange for Man Ray's intro. I agree the fight was pretty rushed. I just hope the other villain introductions aren't like this. I'm still enjoying this, but like JCM said last episode, it suffered from being really rushed. All I really got out of this is that this version of Man Ray is from Wisconsin...somehow.] abcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabcabc Edited November 30, 2017 by jjsthekid 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Posted April 1, 2017 Share Posted April 1, 2017 i died at the down under riff. i would like to remind everyone that i ran this website not too long after I wrote that spin-off, which is more horrifying than anything i wrote. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted April 4, 2017 Author Share Posted April 4, 2017 (edited) Mermaid Man: The Aquatic Avenger 3. Bubble Trouble (Part 1) Spoiler Episode 3! [Renegade: Revenge of the Sith.] [Hayden: The one that comes after the 2nd!] [Renegade: ...Woe. Mediocre pun is mediocre. Given this is a 2-parter, it's "meh" in context.] [Hayden: ] [Fred: Woe, indeed. Also, SpongeBob wants his episode title back, JCM.] (We open with a shot of the Bikini Bottom Bank. An army of gunman march out the bank's doors with sacks of money in their hands.) [Trophy: Wait hold up, an army? Damn, is the underwater mafia in on this, maybe the actual one too.] Gunman 1: Our boss will be pleased with this haul. [Renegade: Ah, yes, the generic "boss" every criminal in every superhero show works for. Either that or it's Bubble Buddy.] [Hayden: Are they giving the money to the boss entirely or is it a fair split? You'd think "an army" would be able to find a better way to work out wages instead of giving it all to the guy who sat on the sidelines.] [Fred: Ah, yes. Bubble Boss. Not to be confused with "Bubble Bass".] Gunman 2: Yes. One of us might even get a promotion! [Trophy: And the others can be fed to the wolves!] [Hayden: Well that deserves a sticker on your parent's fridge.] [RenBob: A PROMO- A PROMO- A PROMOTION?!] Mermaid Man: (offscreen) Not if I have anything to say about it! [RenBob: ] [Hayden: Spoiler alert. You gave away who was offscreen!] Gunmen: (gasps) Mermaid Man! [Renegade: Aided by his young ward. *AHEM* AIDED BY HIS YOUNG WARD.] [Fred: SpongeBob reference. Wait, this isn't The Killer Krab, is it?] Mermaid Man: (jumps onscreen) In the living flesh! [Fred: I always hate those screamers.] [Renegade: As opposed to in the dead flesh?] [Hayden: Mermaid Man's zombification process doesn't start until he enters the retirement home.] [Trophy: Do fish have flesh? Why am I questioning that from a cliche hero line fit to a T?] (Mermaid Man punches one of the gunmen, knocking him out. The rest of the gunmen shoot at Mermaid Man, but he dodges the shots and uses his heat vision to burn their hands, causing them to drop their guns.) [Trophy: Again, quick fights. They are the most time and energy efficient but make the villains a challenge for once. It doesn't have to turn 5 minutes into 8 whole episodes but still.] [Hayden: Pretty sure that would burn the hands clean off. Also, Mermaid Man can dodge an army's worth of simultaneous bullets.] [Renegade: New powers as the plot demands.] Gunman 3: Let's get out of here! (Mermaid Man summons a Raging Whirlpool, which spins the gunmen around and around until they fall to the ground unconscious. Just at that moment, several police cars drive onto the scene. Commissioner Johnson steps out of one of the cars and gives Mermaid Man a dirty look.) [Hayden: ] Mermaid Man: Don't worry, I took care of the robbers for you. No need to thank me. Commissioner Johnson: Thank you? Oh, on the contrary. We're going to arrest you. Cuff him, boys! [Trophy: Well the radio broadcast mentioned these guys were incapable of their job against petty thieves, so this makes complete sense that there's also a new corruption scandal!] [Hayden: Get it? Just like in Batman! Johnson instead of Gordon! Why can't these crusaders ever just work alone?] [Renegade: Aaaannnndddd reality ensues.] [Johnson: You are arrested for the crimes of saving a bank from robbers! Sentence: One million years dungeon.] (One of the police officers put handcuffs around Mermaid Man's wrists.) Mermaid Man: What? [Fred: wut] [Renegade: What's on second. Who's on first.] [Hayden: Convenient time to lose your ability to react fast.] Commissioner Johnson: We can't have people taking the law into their own hands. It would cause anarchy! [Renegade: I thought this was meant to be based on Batman: TAS, not the Dark Knight Saga.] [Hayden: I thought the army of gunmen that police were doing nothing about were causing anarchy. Plot twist!] Mermaid Man: Well, that's something we disagree with, commissioner. [Trophy: And the citizens too, considering how well the bank owner received his help the other day.] [Hayden: This is not debatable Mermaid Man. A commissioner's ego comes before crime rates dropping.] (Mermaid Man breaks his handcuffs effortlessly and flies away.) Commissioner Johnson: We'll nab that vigilante one of these days. [Fred: Are you sure? The "Mystery Vigilante" is still out there, committing crimes or whatever.] [Hayden: ] (The theme song plays.) [Fred: Gonna make this my running gag throughout the Riffing Theater from now on.] [Hayden: ] (Cut to an abandoned warehouse. One of the gunmen from before tiptoes in front of the warehouse and knocks on the door.) [Hayden: ] Voice: Who is it? Gunman: It's Sal. [Renegade: Sal? What's his last name, Amander?] [Hayden: Sal Goodman?] [Fred: Sai? The O'Hare delivery guy?] Voice: Sal! Did you and the others get what I requested? [Renegade: You mean money, that thing that's commonplace around the world?] Sal: Yes, but Mermaid Man stopped us before we could bring it to you. Voice: (growls) I see. [Trophy: Awww, he's perfectly understanding on how useless henchmen failed! What a swell boss!] [Hayden: Doesn't everyone miss Astenias' style though? ....Nobody?] (The door opens to reveal none other than the Dirty Bubble.) [Fred: Oh yeah, I forgot that the Dirty Bubble existed. No joke, I actually did forget.] [Hayden: So that's where the trouble came from! What a clever play on words.] Dirty Bubble: Well, what are we gonna do about it? [Trophy: Have a party?] [Hayden: ] Sal: Teach him a lesson? [Fred: I don't think schooling Mermaid Man is gonna be torturous enough for him. Unless you give him, like, 15 assignments in Economics.] [Hayden: Force him to find your center and your radius.] Dirty Bubble: I knew I raised you boys right! Where are the others? [Renegade: So the Dirty Bubble's a parent? I demand a DNA test.] [Hayden: What kind of parent doesn't know where their children are?!] Sal: They're in jail now. Mermaid Man did a number on them. I managed to sneak away before the cops could notice. [Hayden: These things happen when you're trying to detain an army and arrest Mermaid Man at the same time.] Dirty Bubble: I guess I'll have to leave it up to you, then. Find and kill Mermaid Man, and your reward will be most pleasant. [Trophy: "Have fun getting massacred if my other guys couldn't do it!" So is Sal a super soldier based on the fact that he was the only one to escape or something?] [Hayden: This is just like Ashi having to do shit on her own. If 7 together failed, how can one be expected to have a chance in killing the Samurai?] [Sal: Free ice cream?!] Sal: (bows) Yes, boss. (The Dirty Bubble laughs maniacally, and Sal reluctantly joins him. The invisible boatmobile speeds past the warehouse.) [Trophy: So Sal isn't evil or he's scared shitless? I feel like I should be able to tell here but I'm not.] Dirty Bubble: Did you hear that? Sal: It was probably the wind. [Fred: What does wind sound like to you?] Dirty Bubble: I'm not sure. Go outside and check it out. (Sal walks out of the warehouse and notices tire tracks under him. He follows the tire tracks to the Reef Cinema movie theater and sees Mermaid Man just as he goes in.) [Trophy: Wait, how far away is the reef from the hideout, because DAMN if MM just went in then either he's a slow old man already, this was a genius trap, or Sal is the fastest tracker in the sea, no wonder why the Bubble trusts him!] [Hayden: It's a good thing Mermaid Man took the path past the evil abandoned warehouse lair to get to the movie theater.] Sal: (smiles) Jackpot. [Hayden: ] (Sal storms into the movie theater, guns blazing, and terrified fish dive under tables. Mermaid Man is purchasing a bag of popcorn when this happens.) [Renegade: ...JESUS CHRIST, TALK ABOUT HARSHER IN HINDSIGHT.] [Hayden: We were just surprised with Adventure Time Elements, but this guy has no element of surprise.] Mermaid Man: (drops a 20 on the counter) Keep the change. [Trophy: I'm pretty sure he'll need more than a 20 to repair all the GUNSHOTS that have damaged the property!] [Hayden: Still wondering if he's really evil?] (Mermaid Man avoids Sal's bullets and grabs a bottle of ketchup and mustard from a nearly table. He leaps over the table and squeezes the bottles with all his strength, sending the ketchup and mustard right into Sal's eyes.) Sal: (covers eyes) AUGH! I'll get you for this! [Sal: And your little dog too!] [Hayden: Hold up, what movie theaters have ketchup and mustard lying around?] (Sal shoots randomly across the theater, and Mermaid Man kicks the blinded gunman in the face) [Hayden: Don't even try to clean your eyes out or anything...] Mermaid Man: My condiments to the chef! Sal: WHO WRITES THIS STUFF? [Fred: JCM does, of course.] [Hayden: JCM, that's just absolutely....pun-gent. ] [Renegade: ...No comment.] [Trophy: I actually enjoyed that pun as it isn't one that's beaten to death. Give yourself some credit for once man.] (Sal, eyes watering, continues to fire at Mermaid Man, but the hero kicks the guns out of Sal's hand and puts him in a stranglehold.) Mermaid Man: Who do you work for? Sal: I'll never tell you! (Mermaid Man holds him tighter.) Sal: You think you're so grand, but the mob, the mob's bigger than you, bigger than everyone! [Trophy: Oh shit, it is the mafia!] [Hayden: We still need to make SBC Mafia a forum event.] Mermaid Man: So that's it? You work for the mob? Is that it? [Renegade: The Aquatic Avenger, directed by Christopher Nolan.] [Trophy: Because a crime syndicate isn't something to worry about, if Man Ray escaped you the first time, even if you can beat up all these wimpy robbers in a town like Bikini Bottom you should know there's something to be worried about!] [Hayden: Mermaid Man knows a boring reveal when he hears one.] (Sal passes out, and Mermaid Man drops him to the floor.) Mermaid Man: Whatever this is, I'm getting to the bottom of it. [SpongeBob: Isn't that the top?] [Renegade: The Bikini Bottom?] (The End) [Renegade: QUESTION MARK?] [Fred: Wait, so there's not a part 2 to this episode? How will we know what happens next? What a gyp.] [Hayden: That is odd. Does JCM not know how to write "To Be Continued"? Better than my first riff except for the Johnson cliche route. Just keep blasting out those puns and mass movie theater shootings and I'm happy as a clam. Er....no one was harmed in that, right?] [Trophy: I know that somehow the Bubble was said to be the number one MM & BB villain so I guess making him a mob boss sorta makes sense? I dunno, it feels a little underwhelming if it's just going to be an ordinary mobster considering the rating of this it won't even go that far like sending fingers to houses or some of the really intense shit. I am ready for disappointment.] Edited April 4, 2017 by jjsthekid 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted April 4, 2017 Share Posted April 4, 2017 ...This is easily the best show we've riffed so far, in my humble opinion. Three episodes in, and I'm not seeing any major flaws with the writing. That's not a criticism of the riffs though, I'm surprised you guys are doing this good with a good show. But Hayden, some movie theaters would have mustard and ketchup, I can imagine. They do sell hotdogs at some movie theaters. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hayden Posted April 5, 2017 Share Posted April 5, 2017 No movie theater I've ever been to! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted April 7, 2017 Author Share Posted April 7, 2017 (edited) Mermaid Man: The Aquatic Avenger 4. Bubble Trouble (Part 2) Spoiler Episode 4! [Fred: Part 2?! PART2PART2PART2PART2--] Narrator: Previously on Mermaid Man: The Aquatic Avenger... [Fred: Be careful, Fonzie! I don't think you'll be able to jump this shark!] [Fonz: AyyyyyyyyyyyOH GOD] [JCM: Why did I think it was a good idea to do "previously ons" for episodes that take less than a minute to actually read?] [Hayden: So that this episode will take a full minute to read!] Commissioner Johnson: We can't have people taking the law into their own hands. Mermaid Man: Well, that's something we disagree with. (flies away) (Cut to the abandoned warehouse.) [JCM: Dang. Even the flashbacks have camera directions.] [Hayden: Just like a real previously on, it FLIES through plot points.] Dirty Bubble: Did you and the others get what I requested? Sal: Mermaid Man stopped us before we could bring it to you. Dirty Bubble: Well, what are we gonna do about it? [JCM: Give up?] [Hayden: Get Deja Vu from all this copying and pasting?] Sal: Teach him a lesson? [JCM: That could work too.] [Lord of the Shapes: This is a circle. This is a square. This is a triangle.] Dirty Bubble: I knew I raised you boys right! [Fred: yaddayaddayaddaflashbackgoingtothemenow] [Hayden: Speaking of, we need an episode that flashes back to their childhood and Dirty Bubble as a parent. He can't be any worse than DoodleMom.] (Sal storms into the Reef Cinema movie theater [JCM: All the way from the abandoned warehouse?] [Hayden: I should go to a movie and I'd probably be back by the time the actual episode starts.] and shoots at a surprised Mermaid Man. Mermaid Man kicks the guns out of Sal's hand and puts him in a stranglehold.) Mermaid Man: Who do you work for? Sal: You think you're so grand, but the mob, the mob's bigger than you, bigger than everyone! (passes out) [JCM: Yeah! Strangling people half to death! That's what good guys do!] [Hayden: So the mob is full of big boned people? ] Mermaid Man: Whatever this is, I'm getting to the bottom of it. (The theme song plays.) [Fred: ] [Hayden: ] (Cut back to the abandoned warehouse. The Dirty Bubble is watching television when the phone beside him rings. The Dirty Bubble forms a hand and uses it to pick up the phone.) [JCM: I'll hand it to 17-year-old me. That was actually really cool.] [Hayden: I wasn't aware Dirty Bubble was ever capable of that power.] Dirty Bubble: Hello? [Sal: Yeah, hey Mario. Can I have two large pep--] [Hayden: ] Sal: (on the other end of the line) Bad news. [Fred: Goofy Goober's going non-dairy?!] [Seamus: Are these SpongeBob references doing anything for ya?] [Hayden: Hire Cat and Robbie to deliver it.] Dirty Bubble: Let me guess. Mermaid Man defeated you, and you're calling from prison. [JCM: No! What? No! What? No!] [Hayden: ] Sal: (sighs) Yes, sir. [JCM: ...Lucky guess.] [Hayden: Dirty Bubble must have Caller ID.] Dirty Bubble: (grunts) If you want something done right, do it yourself. [Hayden: But if you were wrong to send out your goons before, how will you suddenly be good at managing things right? That's right, I'm deconstructing your old school villain line.] Sal: You mean you're going after him? With no help? You can't be serious! Dirty Bubble: I've never been more serious about anything in my life. Mermaid Man will pay for crossing me! [Fred: Do you accept bits of string?] [Hayden: Why would he cross through you? He'd need a very long shower.] (The Dirty Bubble hangs up the phone and grabs a small box from under his couch. He opens the box and takes out a rusty pistol.) [JCM: Rusty pistols aren't to be confused with Rusty's pistols, which notorious rapist Rusty used to silence his victims.] [Hayden: That's his ace in the hole? A weapon that has already failed twice against Mermaid Man?] Dirty Bubble: Old Reliable, you've never let me down. [Hayden: ] (The Dirty Bubble kisses the pistol and leaves the warehouse.) [Hayden: I'd tell him to watch what rust he goes around kissing, but it won't really contaminate him.] Dirty Bubble: (exhales) Alright, Mermy-boy! Prepare to take a dirt nap! [JCM: Hey, the Dirty Bubble finally sounds like the Dirty Bubble and not just some generic gangster!] [Hayden: Listen you nicknaming scoundrel, Mermaid Man's no Mermy-boy, and he's not going to be a dirty boy like you!] [Fred: ] (Cut to the police station. A detective walks into Commission Johnson's office and drops a pile of folders on his desk.) Detective: Here's everything you need to know about your recent haul. [JCM: Better Call Haul] (Commissioner Johnson goes through the folders and smiles.) [Fred: Smiles. Files. After a while, crocodile.] Commissioner Johnson: Thank you. It's nice to get help from someone who actually works for the force. [Hayden: ] Detective: I hope you don't mind me asking, but what's your problem with Mermaid Man, anyway? He takes care of criminals better than most of the guys you hired. [JCM: shots fired] Commissioner Johnson: I do mind you asking. [JCM: shots fired back] Detective: Fair enough. [JCM: peaceful surrender] [Hayden: That was quite a war of words. They sure set up a lot of mind fields. Ba dum tss!] (The detective notices Mermaid Man watching them from the window behind Commissioner Johnson. Mermaid Man puts a finger to his mouth, and the detective nods.) [Fred: JCM, that's gross.] Commissioner Johnson: So, it seems that all of these thugs have one thing in common. (Commissioner Johnson opens one of the folders to reveal a grainy photograph.) [JCM: They're cruddy at photography?] Commissioner Johnson: Him. The most notorious mob boss in Bikini Bottom. [Fred: Him from Powerpuff Girls is a notorious mob boss?] [Hayden: I'd take my business out of Townsville too after the reboot neutered its uniquity.] The Dirty Bubble. [Fred: Oh, never mind.] [Hayden: JCM definitely could've phrased that better.] (Mermaid Man's eyes widen. He turns around and heads for his invisible boatmobile, but he finds the Dirty Bubble floating over it.) Dirty Bubble: It seems that your invisible boatmobile has a not-so-invisible gas leak. [JCM: Mermaid Man probably shouldn't have trusted it to an invisible mechanic.] [Hayden: What's the point of an invisible boatmobile if the gas inside it isn't invisible too?] Mermaid Man: (growls) The Dirty Bubble! Dirty Bubble: That's my name! (pulls out his pistol) Don't wear it out! [Fred: Wait a shit. Wait. A. Shit. How does a bubble, with no hands or pockets I'm pretty sure, carry a gun? Unless this is a different guy and "Dirty Bubble" is his mob name or The Dirty Bubble, for some reason, grew arms and a torso, I'm calling total bullshit.] [JCM: He did form a hand to pick up that phone earlier, though I'm not sure how he'd be able to hide his pistol.] [Hayden: Nope JCM, like I said before, that conflicts with what the Dirty Bubble can do in the show. But speaking of worn out things, forget your name and look at the pistol, bruh.] (Mermaid Man dodges the Dirty Bubble's gunshots and pushes a picking pin out of his glove. The Dirty Bubble looks at the pin in horror and shoot Mermaid Man's wrist [JCM: and forget how to grammar] so that he drops it.) Mermaid Man: Ouch! Neptune's Beard! [Fred: Holy Terminoob's Beard, Mermaid Man!] [Hayden: First successful shot and you aim for the wrist?] Dirty Bubble: You aren't getting out of this that easy! (Commissioner Johnson, hearing the gunshots, runs onto the scene.) [Hayden: .....Without any back-up?] Commissioner Johnson: What the halibut is going on? [JCM: I don't remember writing so many fish puns.] [Fred: Don't drag Halibut into this, Johnson!] [Hayden: Halibut is no one's verb!] (The Dirty Bubble shoots at Commissioner Johnson, and he barely avoids getting hit.) Dirty Bubble: Stay out of this, commissioner! This is between me and the superhero! [JCM: who] [Hayden: I'm sure Johnson is rational enough to let his two enemies spar instead of sticking his fish nuts in and waving them around.] Commissioner Johnson: You're in no position to make demands of me! Frankly, you'll be a much more valuable prisoner than that vigilante! [Hayden: Is Johnson selling these criminals on the black market?!] (Mermaid Man sifts through the grass below him and finds the picking pin he dropped.) Mermaid Man: (thinking) Great job stalling, commish! [JCM: Johnson can apparently read minds.] [Hayden: (thinking) Great job unintentionally doing something right, commish!] Dirty Bubble: It looks like we're gonna have two dead bodies today! [Fred: Stow 'em in the freezer.] [Hayden: Dirty Bubble makes one of them, but I doubt JCM has the stones to kill off the tired trope Johnson. Guess Dirty Bubble really can't see into the future.] (The Dirty Bubble aims his pistol at Commissioner Johnson, but before he can shoot, Mermaid Man's picking pin penetrates his back, causing him to explode.) [Hayden: He'll regenerate. Remember kids, this is a prequel.] Commissioner Johnson: Thank you. (points a handgun at Mermaid Man) Now, you have the right to remain silent. [Hayden: ] Mermaid Man: Oh, commissioner. Will you ever learn? [JCM: Lord of the Shapes already gave his lesson.] [Hayden: ] (Mermaid Man flies off with Commissioner Johnson blasting away from under him.) [Hayden: Basically this... ] Mermaid Man: (while fleeing) You're welcooooome! [Fred: Repeating the same letter is fuuuuuuuuuuuuun!] [Hayden: This episode wasnnnnnnn't!] (The End) 5. Kelp Thing Spoiler Episode 5! [Renegade: As opposed to Seaweed Thing?] [Katniss: Kelp thing! You make my heart sing! You make everything groovy, kelp thing!] (We open with a shot of City Hall. Mayor Goldstrom is playing with Newton's cradle on his office desk when he hears a scuffling sound in the distance.) [Katniss: This is what your tax money is going towards, Bikini Bottomites! To fund your mayor sitting around and playing with toys.] [Teenj; Meh... he'd still make a better President than a certain someone irl...] Goldstrom: Hello? [Renegade: It's me. I was wondering if all these you'd like to meet.] (Goldstrom shrugs and continues playing with the cradle. The scuffling sound gradually gets louder.) Goldstrom: (looks up) Who's there? [Renegade: You didn't say "knock knock", asshole.] (Goldstrom, visibly shaken, puts the toy away and peeks out of his office door.) [Teenj: I wonder what other toys he plays with in his spare time. ] Goldstrom: Barbara, did we get any visitors? [Renegade: So wait, Batgirl's in this? Interesting.] Barbara: (offscreen) None that I know of. (Goldstrom gulps and returns to his desk.) Goldstrom: It's all in your head. It's all in your head. [Renegade: The starmaker says it ain't to bad. The dreamaker's gonna make you mad. The spaceman says everybody look down, it's all in your mind.] (Suddenly, two long arms of kelp shoot out through the floorboards and grab each of Goldstrom's wrists.) [Katniss: ] [Teenj: Aaaaaand the plot thickens.] Goldstrom: (closes eyes) It's all in your head! It's all in your head! (Goldstrom is pulled into the floor by the kelp, screaming all the way.) [Renegade: PUT DAT COOKIE DOWN!] (The theme song plays.) [Katniss: ] (Cut to the Mermalair. Mermaid Man, accompanied by his young sidekick Barnacle Boy, walks into the lair with a piece of kelp in his hand.) Barnacle Boy: Are you sure that stealing evidence from a crime scene is completely ethical? [Teenj: Superheroes aren't always known for their ethics.] Mermaid Man: (shakes the kelp) Hey, finders keepers! [Katniss: Good ol' Mermaid Man. You don't need ethics! Tampering with a crime scene is totally coral.] (Mermaid Man puts the piece of kelp on a table, positioned under a hanging lamp. He then goes to a cabinet and takes out a newspaper from one of its drawers.) Mermaid Man: A-ha! (points to an article in the newspaper) "Strange goings-on in the Kelp Forest". This is from less than a week ago, so they must be connected! Barnacle Boy, stay here and monitor the evidence. Call me on my walkie-talkie if you notice anything strange. Barnacle Boy: Where will you be at? Mermaid Man: Where else? The Kelp Forest! [Renegade: Be sure to bring the Magic Conch.] (Cut to the Kelp Forest. Mermaid Man flies over the forest and uses his telescopic vision to scan the area.) [Teenj: Awesome. More powers pulled out of thin air.] Mermaid Man: Where are you, Goldstrom? [Teenj: Can I just say that 'Goldstrom' is a really horrible name? Lol] (Mermaid Man spots the mayor tied to a tree and gagged by kelp.) [Renegade: Kinky.] Mermaid Man: There you are! [Erik Estrada: DERE HE IS] (Mermaid Man flies down to Goldstrom and uses his heat vision to break the binding kelp.) Mermaid Man: Who did this to you? Goldstrom: I...I don't know. Really! I don't! One minute I was in my office, then... (Suddenly, strings of kelp wrap around Mermaid Man's and Goldstrom's ankles and pull them down until they're both neck-high in mud.) (Cut to the Mermalair. Barnacle Boy is reading through the newspaper that Mermaid Man left behind.) Barnacle Boy: (yawns) I can't believe this. Mermaid Man's off fighting bad guys somewhere, while I'm holed up in this smelly cave watching over a stupid piece of kelp. [Katniss: Considering Mermaid Man is bound and gagged right now, I'd say you got the better deal. Plus you can watch sitcoms on TV instead of fighting villains something constructive! I'm sure Mermaid Man would be jealous.] (The kelp on the table starts to squirm, but Barnacle Boy doesn't notice it. The kelp grows larger and larger, and when Barnacle Boy looks up from the newspaper, he jumps back in shock.) Barnacle Boy: Whoa there, little guy! [Teenj: He better still be talking abut the kelp!] (Barnacle Boy takes a chemical compound out from under the table and pours it on the kelp, returning it to its original state. Barnacle Boy then calls Mermaid Man on the walkie-talkie, but there's no answer.) Barnacle Boy: Mermaid Man, come in! Come in, Mermaid Man! Oh, no. [Kool-Aid Ren: OH YEAH!] (Barnacle Boy grabs the rest of the chemical compound and flies out the Mermalair.) (Cut to the Kelp Forest. Mermaid Man hears his walkie-talkie vibrate in the mud, but he's unable to move his arms.) Voice: You shouldn't have interfered, Mermaid Man. Mermaid Man: Who are you? What do you want with the mayor? Voice: My name is Jefferey Wheatly... [Renegade: The breakfast of champions?] [Katniss: Jefferey Wheatly? That's probably one of the least badass villain names I've ever heard.] (A creature made entirely of kelp rises from the ground.) Jefferey: But you probably know me better as "Kelp Thing". [Renegade: WELL HE SURE AIN'T BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR] (Goldstrom gasps.) Mermaid Man: You know him? Jefferey: Know me? (laughs) Tell him, mayor! Tell him how you tortured me all throughout high school and well into college! [Renegade: Lamest. Motive. Ever. "You bullied me! Now I'm gonna get revenge!" Waaa, waaa, waaaa.] [Teenj: Bullied as a kid, seeks revenge as an adult. I've seen this in literally so many things.] (Goldstrom holds back tears as the kelp around his ankles pull him further into the mud.) Mermaid Man: Hey! You're going to kill him! Jefferey: It's what he deserves! Goldstrom and his gang shoved me into lockers, gave me black eyes, and ridiculed me, all because I was different! Goldstrom's favorite insult, Kelp Thing, plagues my nightmares to this day. Death is too good for him! I'll make sure he suffers...suffers like I did! [Renegade: You mean you're gonna re-enroll in high school?] [Katniss: He bullied and teased you, so you retaliate by attempting to kill him. That's not an overreaction at all.] (Goldstrom begins to drown in the mud, and Barnacle Boy appears in the sky.) Jefferey: Another one? (As Barnacle Boy flies toward Mermaid Man and Goldstrom, a branch from a kelp tree stretches out and strangles him.) Mermaid Man: No! Jefferey, I know you've had a hard life, but this isn't the answer! Jefferey: You don't understand. No one understands! [Renegade: Shut up, Chris-chan. No one cares.] (Barnacle Boy takes out the chemical compound that he brought from the Mermalair and pours it on the kelp branch. Jefferey screams, and the kelp branch releases its grip on Barnacle Boy's neck. Mermaid Man flies from the mud and pulls out with him a now-unconscious Goldstrom.) Jefferey: No! My union with the forest! It's broken! [Renegade: Maybe you should find better workers' support, then.] [Katniss: "Union with the forest?" Who are you, Pocahontas?] (Mermaid Man handcuffs a defeated Jeffery. On the way back to Bikini Bottom, Goldstrom wakes up and finds himself being carried by Barnacle Boy and Jeffery being carried by Mermaid Man.) [Renegade: We now return to Seduction of the Innocent.] Goldstrom: What? I'm alive? You saved me! You saved my life! Mermaid Man: Don't mention it. (growls) Please. [Katniss: Okay, he won't mention it! Sheesh. I didn't think a hero would be so ticked off about saving someone's life.] (The End) [Renegade: My only complaint is with Kelp-Thing's motivation. It's just...flat and cliche, hence his nickname of "Chris-chan". Other than that, this is still pretty average in terms of writing.] [Katniss: The villain was pretty lame, but eh, could be worse I guess. Thankfully this still isn't too bad. Though if that changes, y'all will have to deal wit that since this is my last riff for this story. Later, skaters.] [Teenj: Once again, not a bad episode, but certain things just bog down the story and keep it from being better than it could be. Bad character drives, cheesy lines, etc. Hopefully by the next time I riff, there'll be an improvement in those problem areas.] Edited November 30, 2017 by jjsthekid 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted April 9, 2017 Author Share Posted April 9, 2017 (edited) Mermaid Man: The Aquatic Avenger 6. Atomic Plunder Spoiler [Hayden: More like Atomic Blunder.] [Jjs: Another cool graphic. This is a work of Picasso.] [JCM: Picasso's art sucks, though. If you disagree you can fight me.] (We open at a nuclear facility. A female fish is monitoring the facility from its control room when a male fish walks in.) [Hayden: Why are these fish too generic to have names? I feel like I'm reading stage directions for a play.] Male fish: Is everything good so far? Female fish: Yes, sir. Soon, we'll be able to to power all of Bikini Bottom. [JCM: To proofread or not to to proofread.] [Jjs: They'll be able to power all of Bikini Bottom so good that they had to say "to" twice!] [Hayden: Maybe Bikini Bottom is powered on the energy of tutus.] Male fish: Perfect. (An alarm starts to buzz.) [Jjs: Is their alarm a beehive?] [JCM: No, don't be silly. It's a jellyfish hive.] Female fish: Something's up! [Jjs: Nah, someone probably just pulled the alarm for the lulz.] [Hayden: Well yeah, that's what alarm clocks are for. But I just turn mine off and go back to bed.] Male fish: Well, get out there and find out what it is! What do you think I pay you for? Sitting around and looking pretty? [Jjs: Wouldn't surprise me.] [Hayden: So the "male fish" just happens to be her boss, but JCM didn't want to use that as a descriptor? This is quite the way to talk to a girl fish he hired. Might as well just call this guy Sexist Fish.] Female fish: (grumbling) Barnacle head. [JCM: Your language offends me.] [Sexist Fish: ] Male fish: I beg your pardon? Female fish: I'll get right to it, sir! [Jjs: That's what I thought you said!] [Sexist Fish: And remember to still look pretty while you're in the midst of it!] [JCM: Oh God, I'm Killer Krabbing this.] (The female fish leaves the control room and sees all the facility's workers running towards the door. She grabs one of them by the arm.) Female fish: What's going on? Workers: The reactor's about the blow! [JCM: is what i said to your mother last night] [Hayden: You didn't think to warn your boss about this? ...No wait, that makes sense. Carry on.] (The female fish runs with the rest of the workers out of the facility, and by the time they're a safe distance away, the nuclear facility explodes.) [Jjs: Wow, good thing that reactor took its sweet time for everyone to leave before exploding.] [Hayden: ] Female fish: Oh no! The boss! I forgot about him! [Jjs: ...Well uh...damn.] [Hayden: He didn't escape because he was sitting down looking pretty.] Worker: Well, it's no use trying to get him now. He's probably sleeping with the algae. [JCM: Remind me never to try a fish-themed idiom ever again.] [Sexist Ghost Fish: I'll be sleeping with my employees because I'm going to haunt you bastards for the rest of your life.] Female fish: (stares at the smoke from the explosion) Yeah...probably. [Jjs: Probably, but we can never be too sure.] [Hayden: Wow, I feel bad for this boss, maybe he had a point about them being lazy. Can't even check the wreckage just in case of a miracle.] (The theme song plays.) [Jjs: ] [Hayden: ] (Cut to the now-decimated facility. A television news reporter stands in front of the wreckage with a protective suit on.) Reporter: Here are the remains of what would've been Bikini Bottom first nuclear power plant, funded by wealthy philanthropist Carl Jenkins... [JCM: How'd I come up with that one?] '(A photo of Jenkins appears next to the reporter.) [Jjs: ] Reporter: ...assumed dead from the explosion. [Hayden: You know what they say about assumptions...] (Zoom out to reveal that Mermaid Man is watching the coverage from his living room.) Mermaid Man: (eats from a bag of potato chips) What a shame. [Jjs: Good thing Mermaid Man has those potato chips to lighten the mood.] [Hayden: He sounds extra empathetic when he munches on junk food.] [JCM: Potato chips are the real hero of this spin-off.] (Suddenly, Mermaid Man's power goes off.) Mermaid Man: What the? [Hayden: Just tell Barnacle Boy to go fix it. Since he popped in with no explanation last episode but is suddenly missing again this time.] (Mermaid Man picks up a flashlight and walks outside.) Mermaid Man: It seems that the lights are off everywhere. [Jjs: Thanks chief, I think we sort of knew that already.] [Hayden: ] [JCM: By that he meant the lights were off all over the neighborhood, which is something I probably could have just mentioned in the description, but oh well.] (grabs his head) My mermaid senses are detecting a powerful radiation. [JCM: mermaid senses wtf] [Hayden: Maybe it's the Teenage Mutant Mine Turtles.] (A scream is heard.) Mermaid Man: Someone's in trouble! [Jjs: Nah, it's probably some idiot who can't open a jar of mayonnaise.] (Mermaid Man flies to the source of the scream and sees a young woman crouched on the ground, her hair ruffled.) [JCM: She must be getting some serious period cramps.] Mermaid Man: Who did this to you? Woman: More like what did this to me! Mermaid Man: Huh? [JCM: Que?] Woman: (stands up) He had glowing green eyes, [Hayden: Could he walk through walls, disappear, and fly?] teeth like a shark, and an extra arm sticking out of his chest! Now that I think about it, he looked a lot like that Carl Jenkins fellow from the news. Mermaid Man: What? That's impossible! [JCM: Darth Vader is Luke's father?] [Hayden: I'm convinced Mermaid Man couldn't even put together a 24 piece puzzle. How many more clues does he need?] Woman: After what I've seen...anything is possible. [Jjs: Now I'm curious what else this woman has seen, but alas, that's a story we'll never know.] [Hayden: JCM should write a spinoff about this woman's struggles.] (More screams are heard, and Mermaid Man follows them to Town Square. Jenkins, appearing exactly as the woman described, crushes cars with his fists and burns down buildings with his fiery breath.) Jenkins: Bow down to your new ruler! [Chet Ubowdown: This is Chet Ubowdown, and we're bowing down to our new mutant overlord!] [Hayden: Wow, he really took that employee betrayal personally.] (Mermaid Man flies down and punches Jenkins.) [JCM: An eight year old could write these fight scenes.] [Hayden: Well JCM, you always are a few years behind.] Mermaid Man: Yeah, no. [Jjs: If Mermaid Man says no then I guess we have to agree.] [Hayden: ] Jenkins: Who are you supposed to be? Mermaid Man: I'm your worst nightmare! [Jjs: Recommendation: Read this Mermaid Man's lines in Christian Bale's Batman voice, it makes this spin-off a lot more lulzier.] [JCM: Christian Bale's Batman doesn't use nearly as many clichés.] (Mermaid Man punches Jenkins again, sending him through a window.) Mermaid Man: I don't know why you feel the need to terrorize the people that gave your absurd amounts of money, [JCM: Gave his absurd amounts of money to whom?] [Hayden: If they gave away his money AND left him to die, I see his side of the story.] but it stops now, Jenkins. Jenkins: (crawls out of the window) My name isn't Jenkins anymore... [Hayden: Your name has been changing a lot this chapter, thanks in part to myself.] (Jenkins runs up to Mermaid Man and punches him in the face.) [JCM: Punched in the face instead of just getting punched! This writing is officially quality.] Jenkins: My name...is the Atomic Flounder! [Hayden: So JCM has Flounderized you. Haha get it, like flanderized?] (Mermaid Man kicks the Atomic Flounder in the chest, then he swings around and falls to his knees.) Mermaid Man: (thinking) [Jjs: ] [Hayden: ] The radiation...it's unbearable. [JCM: The stalling...it's unbearable.] (The Atomic Flounder pulls a fire hydrant out from the sidewalk and throws it at the distracted Mermaid Man. Mermaid Man spots the hydrant in time and uses his heat vision to blow it up. A white foam splatters over the Atomic Flounder, and he cries out in pain.) Atomic Flounder: No! My molecular structure! I feel it breaking apart! [JCM: You're gonna have to see a doctor about that.] (Mermaid Man uses the last of his strength to create a Raging Whirlpool, which spins the Atomic Flounder around until he's unconscious.) Mermaid Man: (exhales) Thanks Neptune that's over. (falls to the ground and falls asleep) [Jjs: Wow, so Mermaid Man just decides to take a nap? He better hope the Atomic Flounder doesn't wake up during the nap.] [Hayden: Dirty Bubble was right, he's taking a dirt nap.] (The End) [Jjs: I thought this was the best episode so far. The action didn't feel too rushed, and Atomic Flounder had a decently dark backstory. A better villain intro than Man Ray's. Yeah, I don't really have anything negative to say.] [Hayden: It's hard to mess up a mutant monster story, so props to JCM. Though judging by the end, his characters still know how to act like atomic dunderheads.] [JCM: Even though I never enjoy reading my own writing, this wasn't as hard to read as the episodes I riffed before this, so perhaps this is where I started to figure things out. It helps that I used an actual supervillian in this episode, instead of lame non-powered bad guys like Man Ray, the Dirty Bubble, and the Sneaky Hermit. Didn't keep the fight scenes from just being a bunch of punches, but it's step in the right direction.] 7. 15 Minutes (Part 1) Spoiler [Fred: "15 Minutes"? It'll take 5 minutes to read this!] [Renegade: I ordered a pizza earlier, so this is a good way to kill half the time.] (We open at the police station. Commissioner Johnson is answering telephone calls in his office.) [Renegade: Is this the police station?] [Johnson: NO! THIS IS COMMISSIONER JOHNSON!] Commissioner Johnson: Yes, I know that we haven't been performing as well as usual ... You want to slash our budget by how much? Are you listening to yourself, mayor? Excuse me, I have another call. [Renegade: Is this the Krusty Krab?] [JCM: The Krusty Krab doesn't exist in this timeline.] (Commissioner Johnson presses a button on the phone's keypad.) Commissioner Johnson: Hello? Calm down! .... What? May Ray escaped? [Fred: He sucks. Where's April Ray?] This couldn't have happened at a worse time! Goldstrom's planning to cut our funding, and we can barely operate as it is! Hold on. I've got another call. (presses a button on the keypad) [JCM: Are you a pimp? Why are so many people calling you?] [Caller: Is this the Bikini Bottom Police Station?] [Renegade: NO! THIS! IS! SPARTA!] (Cut to a shot of Man Ray's mouth, speaking into a pay phone.) [JCM: *singing* I'm at a payphone, trying to call home, all of my change I spent on you.] Man Ray: Hello, commish. I'm just calling you to let you know that I've kidnapped your son. Meet me at the dock to negotiate the terms of his release. Oh, and come alone. (hangs up) (Cut back to Commissioner Johnson. He listens to the dial tone with a shocked expression on his face, then he throws the phone off his desk and runs out of his office.) [JCM: What did that poor phone ever do to you?] (The theme song plays.) [Fred: ] (Cut to the Mermalair. Barnacle Boy is playing Go Fish with a friend from his high school when Mermaid Man walks in.) [JCM: oh i get it go fish because they're fish haha that's hilarious] Mermaid Man: What did I tell you about bringing other people into the Mermalair? It's supposed to be a secret hideout. [Fred: Yeah, but inviting SpongeBob, Patrick, and a bunch of other people is okay with you?] [JCM: Different timeline bro.] Teenager: Hey, I'm good at keeping secrets! Mermaid Man: Get out. (As the teenager exits the Mermalair, a phone attached to the wall begins to ring. Mermaid Man picks it up.) [JCM: Literally half of this episode is just people on the phone.] Mermaid Man: Hello? [Renegade: That phone is still broken.] Man Ray: (from the phone) Hi, Mermaid Man. Mermaid Man: Man Ray! How did you get this number? Man Ray: All it took was a bit of research. Isn't it amazing how a bit of reasearch [JCM: -1 spelling] can teach you everything you need to know about a person? [Renegade: You mean you looked in the phonebook?] Mermaid Man: What do you want? [Rentrick: I want a...a...uhhhhhhh....] Man Ray: I just wanted to let you know that I'm about to kill the police commissioner on the dock. [JCM: Man Ray goes from robbing malt shops to killing public officials. He grew quite a pair in prison.] Mermaid Man: Why are you telling me this? You know that I'll just stop you and have you locked away again. Man Ray: Oh, but you won't be able to. Mermaid Man: Why not? Man Ray: Because you'll be too busy trying to deactive [JCM: come on man] the bomb that I planted in the Bikini Bottom Ballpark! [Fred: You fiend! Jack and Jill is too horrible for those people!] [Renegade: Oy, more DKS references.] Mermaid Man: You fiend! [Renegade: ] Man Ray: It's set to go off in 15 minutes. Too-da-loo! [Peter: Ah, look, Lois! He said the title!] (Mermaid Man hangs up the phone and looks at the clock.) Mermaid Man: Barnacles! The stadium and dock are on opposite sides of the city, and either one will take me 10 minutes tops to fly to! [JCM: How big is this freakin' city?] Barnacle Boy, are you up for a mission? Barnacle Boy: You bet I am! Mermaid Man: Go to the Bikini Bottom Ballpark and take care of the bomb. I'll be at the dock helping the commissioner. [JCM: Good thing Barnacle Boy took that bomb deactivation class in high school.] (Mermaid Man and Barnarcle Boy fly out the Mermalair and go their separate ways.) [Fred: Someday, the Commissioner will find you! Break those bombs that bind you!] (Cut to the dock, where Man Ray is holding Timothy Johnson, Commissioner Johnson's son, in a tight grip. Commissioner Johnson drives up to the scene and approaches Man Ray with caution.) [Renegade: You, your kids, and your Johnson.] Commissioner Johnson: I'm here. What do you want? Man Ray: What do I want? Notoriety, that's what I want! Despite my history as a criminal mastermind, people continue to treat me like I'm some common crook. What I need is something big, and you're that something big! If I took out the police commissioner, everyone in the ocean would be chating [JCM: no] my name. I'd be a star! [Renegade: Chating Tatum?] Commissioner Johnson: You're demented! [Renegade: Or is he disturbed?] Man Ray: And you're fishmeat! [Fred: And I'm Fred Rechid, what's it to ya?] (Man Ray shoots at Commissioner Johnson with his raygun, but Commissioner Johnson gets out of the way, pulls out his own gun, and fires.) [JCM: Firing is Donald Trump's job, and don't you forget it!] Man Ray: (dodges gunshots) Must you make this hard on me? (sighs) I guess you leave me with no other choice. (Man Ray throws Timothy Johnson over the dock.) [JCM: Sucks for him.] Commissioner Johnson: No! [Renegade: TIMMAH!] (Commissioner Johnson runs to the edge of the dock, but it's too late. Timothy sinks into the water. Man Ray points his raygun at the grieving Commissioner Johnson.) Man Ray: Prepare to join your son, commissioner! (Suddenly, Mermaid Man flies out of the water with Timothy Johnson in his arms.) [JCM: You could have done that a little quicker, like when Timothy wasn't drowning already.] [Fred: He was in the water the whole time? Did he know what Man Ray was gonna do with Timothy? I dunno.] Mermaid Man: Not so fast, Man Ray! Man Ray: Mermaid Man! What are you doing here? Mermaid Man: Taking out the trash! [Fred: You shouldn't talk to Squidward that way!] [Renegade: He means THIS trash. *pulls out SpongeBoy!Get a Clue!*] (Mermaid Man kicks Man Ray in the stomach, then he kicks the dazed villian [JCM: VILLAIN] in the face. Man Ray falls to the dock, seemingly unconscious.) Commissioner Johnson: Timothy! Timothy: Dad! [SpongeBob: SpongeBob!] [Renegade: Rocky!] [JCM: Rocky would write better dialogue than what I'm currently reading.] (Mermaid Man places Timothy on the dock, and Timothy immediately embraces his father.) Commissioner Johnson: (sheds a tear) I'm never letting go of you again. (Man Ray opens an eye and, finding that nobody is watching him, bites off the tip of a grenade.) [JCM: Just casually walking around with a grenade in his pants. Nothing strange about that.] Man Ray: (singsongy) Oh, Mermaid Maaan... Mermaid Man: Huh? (Man Ray throws the grenade at Mermaid Man, and the resulting explosion knocks Mermaid Man out and sends him into the water, where he quickly sinks in.) Commissioner Johnson: Mermaid Man! [...AND BARNACLE BOY, UNITE!] (To Be Continued) [JCM: can we not] [Fred: Don't you mean "The End"? These end cards are so confusing.] Edited November 30, 2017 by jjsthekid 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rebel the Wolfgirl Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hayden Posted April 9, 2017 Share Posted April 9, 2017 Missed one, JCM. "Barnarcle" Boy. Speaking of him, why wasn't he properly introduced before? It takes 5 episodes, and everything before that implies this Mermaid Man is a lone ranger. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted April 13, 2017 Author Share Posted April 13, 2017 (edited) Mermaid Man: The Aquatic Avenger 8. 15 Minutes (Part 2) Spoiler Narrator: Previously on Mermaid Man: The Aquatic Avenger... Man Ray: (on the phone) Hello, commish. I'm just calling you to let you know that I've kidnapped your son. [Fred: Commissioner Johnson in.....Taken.] (Cut to the Mermalair.) Mermaid Man: (on the phone) You know that I'll just stop you and have you locked away again. Man Ray: (on the phone) Oh, but you won't be able to. You'll be too busy trying to deactive the bomb that I planted in the Bikini Bottom Ballpark! [Fred: Welp, time for me to use this baby again. *teleports to the theme song*] Mermaid Man: (hangs up) Barnacle Boy, go to the Bikini Bottom Ballpark and take care of the bomb. I'll be at the dock helping the commissioner. [Teenj: he better hurry...] (Cut to the dock. Man Ray and Commissioner Johnson are in a gunfight, and Man Ray throws Timothy Johnson over the dock.) Man Ray: Prepare to join your son, commissioner! (Mermaid Man flies out of the water with Timothy in his arms. Timothy embraces his father.) Man Ray: (singsongy) Oh, Mermaid Maaan... [Teenj: Man Ray confirmed for new member of Boys Who Cry.] (Man Ray throws a grenade at Mermaid Man, and the resulting explosion sends Mermaid Man into the water.) Commissioner Johnson: Mermaid Man! (The theme song plays.) [Fred: ] (Cut to a shot of Mermaid Man. He's sinking deeper and deeper into the water.) (Cut to a dream sequence. [Trophy: Hello pointless flashback!] [Teenj: Seems like something I'd do. I'm a big fan of flashback sequences in my works.] 8-year-old Ernie is sailing on the Pacific Ocean with his parents when the ship gets caught in a storm and breaks in half. [Fred: So we're bringing Sesame Street into this spin-off now?] Ernie tries to grab his mother's hand, but it's useless, and he falls into the ocean. While holding his breath, Ernie sees a mermaid swim past him. He opens his mouth to call for help, and his lungs fill with water. The mermaid catches sight of the drowning boy, then she swims over to him and puts her hand on his neck, giving him gills. Ernie takes a deep breath, and we cut back to Mermaid Man, who does the same thing.) [Trophy: Goodbye pointless padding flashback used for plot convenience!] (Cut to the dock. Man Ray approaches the frightened Commissioner Johnson and Timothy.) Man Ray: Now, where was I? [Teenj: (singsongy) Oh, Mermaid Maaaan!] (Mermaid Man flies back out of the water.) Man Ray: You again? [Trophy: How would you not noticed that the motherfucker has gills anyways, where are they, his soles?] Mermaid Man: In the living flesh! [Teenj: I hope he's not being literal.] (Mermaid Man punches Man Ray with a force so powerful that the villian's mask flies off, revealing a human underneath.) [Teenj: LE GASP!] Mermaid Man: (gasps) There's another one? (Man Ray, holding his breath, drops his raygun and scrambles for his mask. As he puts it back on, he turns around and finds Commissioner Johnson pointing his own raygun at him.) [Trophy: WAIT DON'T SHOOT, WE SO DESPERATELY NEED THESE ANSWERS BEFORE THE SHOW ENDS!] Man Ray: (raises arms) Oh, how the mighty have fallen. [Trophy: Again, way too easy of a fucking defeat. Good to know he took Snaptrap's Lesson of always telling the heroes on what you're doing to ultimately be your only undoing to heart where instead you can succeed and THEN rub it in their faces.] Commissioner Johnson: (on walkie-talkie) Butch, send a police car to the dock. Over. [Butch: Don't call me a Butch, slut!] (Commissioner Johnson handcuffs Man Ray, and Mermaid Man begins to fly off.) Commissioner Johnson: Wait, Mermaid Man! (Mermaid Man stops.) Commissioner Johnson: I-I was wrong about you. Mermaid Man: (rolls eyes) Really? Commissioner Johnson: Listen, it's no secret that we have a crime problem, and your methods of dealing with it have worked, though I still don't completely agree with them. [Trophy: Yeah, because he totally could've kept your son safe this entire time.] Mermaid Man: Your point, commissioner? [Teenj: Same, Mermaid Man, same.] Commissioner Johnson: (sighs) Bikini Bottom needs a hero, and if you want to be that hero, I'll be more willing to look the other way from now on. [Trophy: This still doesn't help the police budget at all. If anything it'll be cut as Mermaid Man could handle this.] [Teenj: Says the guy who just stated that he doesn't 'agree with his methods'.] Mermaid Man: Thanks, commish. It'll definitely make my job easier. Timothy: Bye, Mermaid Man! Mermaid Man: (chuckles) Bye, kid. Timothy: Will I ever see you again? [Teenj: Watch the News, kid. I'm sure he's on there all the time!] Mermaid Man: I'm sure you will. I'm definitely not going anywhere. (Suddenly, an explosion is heard from the distance.) [Fred: Everyone dies, show's over, roll credits.] Commissioner Johnson: What was that? Mermaid Man: (gasps) The ballpark! Barnacle Boy! [Trophy: Oh right, that was a subplot.] [Teenj: Holy shit, I forgot that was going on as well.] (As Mermaid Man flies to the source of the explosion, the police car that Commissioner Johnson ordered arrives at the dock.) Commissioner Johnson: Take this piece of garbage to the highest-security prison you can find. Policeman: (from inside the car) You got it, boss! (Commissioner Johnson throws Man Ray into the back of the police car, and it drives off.) Man Ray: (thinking) Barnacle Boy? It seems that my bit of research didn't teach me everything I needed to know about Mermaid Man. I shall remedy that as soon as possible. [Trophy: ...Good fucking job with that research. Where did you get it from again?] (Cut to the Bikini Bottom Ballpark. Mermaid Man hovers above the stadium and sees Barnacle Boy enjoying the game in the audience seats. Mermaid Man joins him.) Mermaid Man: Where did that explosion come from? Barnacle Boy: Oh, it was the bomb that Man Ray planted here. I found it right when it was about to blow up, so I just threw it up into the sky. I hope you're not angry. The baseball fans loved it, if that's any consolation. [Trophy: ...Yeah, they loved it instead of causing a panic when they realized it wasn't stadium effects and security didn't frisk the rest of the stadium.] [Teenj: Lol, 'I just threw it up into the sky'..] Mermaid Man: (laughs) I'm not angry. You did good, Barnacle Boy. Barnacle Boy: Why do you keep me holed up in the Mermalair, anyway? [Teenj: Cause your name isn't the one in the show's title.] Mermaid Man: I guess I was just afraid that something will happen to you. This isn't the safest job out there, you know. Barnacle Boy: You shouldn't worry so much. (eats a hot dog) I'm not a kid anymore. [Barnacle Boy: I'm a Toys 'R' Us kid!] Mermaid Man: Yeah, you're not. I guess we're all growing. (One of the baseball players hit a home run, and the audience stands and cheers, including Barnacle Boy. Mermaid Man remains sitting.) [Fred: Colin Kaepernick would be very proud of you, Mermaid Man.] [Trophy: C'mon gramps, get up and celebrate!] Mermaid Man: I guess we're all growing. [Trophy: We're all plants now?] [Fred: *insert all characters laughing cliche ending*] (The End) 9. Public Enemy #1 Spoiler [Renegade: ...Unintentional movie reference. Ha.] [Jjs: This is a work of Da Vinci.] (We open at a jewelry store. The manager is cleaning the display cases when someone who looks exactly like Mermaid Man (wearing a black shirt instead of an orange shirt) walks in.) [JCM: Why's it gotta be black?] [Renegade: Waiting to put on a black shirt...] Manager: Sorry, but we're closed for maintenance. You can order something later. [Jjs: ] Mermaid Man?: I'm not here to order anything. [JCM?: Quite a last name you've got there.] [Jjs?: Then get out, because there's a standing fee.] Manager: Then what are you here for? [Renegade: JOHN CENAAAAAAA!] [Jjs: He could be here to admire the beautiful scenery, or jewels, or both.] ("Mermaid Man" punches the manager in the stomach and throws him at the opposite wall, knocking him out. [Jjs: Or that.] "Mermaid Man" then breaks the glass of the display counters and empties their contents into a potato sack.) [JCM: But where was potatoes???] (The theme song plays.) [Jjs: ] (Cut to Mermaid Man's house. Mermaid Man is watching the news with a grave expression on his face.) Reporter: The Bikini Bottom Police Department would not confirm whether or not the robber was actually Mermaid Man, but interviews with witness suggest that it is indeed the case. It seems that Mermaid Man is not the hero he made himself out to be. More on this at seven. [JCM: Screw you! I want more on it now!] [Jjs: In other news, JFK is still dead! More on this at 11.] (Mermaid Man turns off the television and clenches his fists in anger.) Mermaid Man: I would never use my powers for evil! [Renegade: E-evil?! EVILEVILEVILEVILEVILEEEEVIIIILLLLL!] Whoever perpetrated this crime is out to frame me, and I need to find him before Bikini Bottom's finest finds me! [JCM: It's not like you've been wanted by the cops this entire time, anyway.] (Mermaid Man flies out the window and searches through the city from above. Using his telescopic vision, he sees a piece of a mirror under the yellow tape surrounding the jewelry. [JCM: the crap is that] Mermaid Man swoops down and picks it up.) Mermaid Man: (looking in the mirror) This is from one of those distorting mirrors you see at the carnival. Who'd be interested in these things? [JCM: Maybe people who go to carnivals?] Policeman 1: (offscreen) Hey, it's the guy that did this! Policeman 2: (offscreen) Let's get him! Mermaid Man: Uh-oh. [Scooby: Ruh roh!] (Mermaid Man stuffs the mirror into his pocket and flies away.) [JCM: One way to prove you're a good guy is to steal evidence from a crime scene.] (Cut to the police station. Mayor Goldstrom walks into Commissioner Johnson's office.) Mayor Goldstrom: Well, you were right all along. Mermaid Man is a criminal. [Goldstrom: We've been hit by, we've been struck by, a smooth criminal.] Commissioner Johnson: No. He's not. Mayor Goldstrom: What? Am I hearing you right? [Renegade: No, you're hearing him wrong.] [JCM: No, you're hearing him left.] Commissioner Johnson: I saw him. He saved my son's life. I don't know who robbed that jewelry store, but it wasn't him. Mayor Goldstrom: Well, if it wasn't him, who was it? [Jjs: Maybe a Mermaid Man cosplayer.] Mermaid Man: (offscreen) I think I know. (Mayor Goldstrom and Commissioner Johnson turn around and see Mermaid Man floating outside the window.) Commissioner Johnson: How long have you been listening to us? [JCM: 20 minutes. You guys are really bad at noticing things.] Mermaid Man: Long enough to know that I can trust you. (Mermaid Man opens his hand to reveal the mirror.) Mermaid Man: I snagged this from the crime scene. It took me a while to recall, but this is the same type of mirror that the magician Reflecto used for one of his performances. [Reflecto: Hm. SpongeBob.] [Jjs: REFLECTO, always up to no good!] Commissioner Johnson: Reflecto? Are you sure? Mermaid Man: Not completely. [JCM: Good enough.] [Jjs: I mean, what other villain in your world would use a mirror for their scheme?] But could you send a squad of police cars over to his house just in case? Mayor Goldstrom: Not without a warrant! [Jjs: At least unlike other works we've riffed, these police are nice enough to make sure they have warrants before intruding into people's houses.] Commissioner Johnson: (rolls eyes) I'll arrange it. [Jjs: (rolls eyes)] Mermaid Man: Thanks. (Mermaid Man starts to fly away, but Goldstrom catches his leg.) [JCM: Time for things to get uncomfortable!] Mayor Goldstrom: Oh no, you don't! You're a wanted criminal, and you're staying here with us! Mermaid Man: You know, I saved your life, too. (Mayor Goldstrom sighs and lets go of Mermaid Man's leg. Mermaid Man flies out the window.) [Renegade: Well that was easier said than done.] Mayor Goldstrom: Don't think that I'll be making this a habit! (Cut to Reflecto's house. Mermaid Man flies onto the porch and opens the door.) [JCM: First stealing, now breaking and entering? I'm starting to think Mermaid Man is the bad guy!] Mermaid Man: (walks in) Strange. [Renegade: ] He left the door unlocked. [Jjs: I guess Reflecto really wants to get the episode over with.] (Mermaid Man looks around as he strolls through the living room. Mirrors of all shapes and sizes cover the walls and ceiling.) [JCM: haha get it because his names reflecto man im clever] Mermaid Man: Hello? Reflecto? I just want to talk with you! Reflecto: (offscreen) I'll do the talking. (Suddenly, a cage drops on Mermaid Man, and Reflecto appears from an adjacent room.) [JCM: Even Perry the Platypus could see a trap like that coming.] [Jjs: Hopefully this cage is better than ATTWL 3 SOF and Steel's.] Reflecto: You know, it's not kind to trespass on other people's property. Mermaid Man: You were expecting me. Reflecto: Well, it never hurts to prepare. (Reflecto knocks on one of the mirrors.) [JCM: Who's there?] Reflecto: Isn't it beautiful? People say that magic is "all smoke and mirrors", and that's precisely what I use for my greatest act! Mermaid Man: Your greatest act? What do you mean? [Jjs: For Reflecto's next trick, he'll make you disappear!] Reflecto: You! You, Mermaid Man! You're my greatest act! See? [JCM: ] [Renward G. Robinson: Nyaaaah, see?] (Reflecto drops a smoke pellet, it explodes, and after the smoke clears, the black-shirted Mermaid Man is standing in Reflecto's place.) Reflecto: (as Mermaid Man) Ta-da! Mermaid Man: You! You're the imposter! [JCM: ] [Renegade: WELL HE SURE AIN'T BARNEY THE PURPLE DINOSAUR] Reflecto: Yes. And with you out of the way, I'll be free to commit all the crimes I want with this disguise! (Mermaid Man heats up two of the cage's bars with his heat vision, and once they're hot enough, he punches them, causing them to break in half.) Reflecto: Uh-oh. [Renegade: OH YEAH!] [Jjs: Looks like he forgot to make the cage bars heat vision-resistant. Better luck next time.] (Mermaid Man punches Reflecto in the face, knocking him out. [Jjs: That was so fast I forgot to blink.] [JCM: Another exciting fight scene brought to you by my endless well of creativity!] Five minutes later, police cars surround Reflecto's house, and the officers break in through the door to find Mermaid Man standing over a tied-up, still-transformed Reflecto.) Policeman: Two Mermaid Men? [Jjs: Good, you know how to count.] (Mermaid Man takes a smoke pellet out of Reflecto's pocket, and he drops it. After it explodes, the smoke clears to reveal Reflecto in his original appearance. The policemen handcuff Reflecto and drag him out of his house.) Policeman: I told you that Mermaid Man didn't turn sour. You owe me fifty bucks. [Renegade: ...No comment.] [JCM: Don't worry. It's not like it's a gambling addiction. He can stop whenever he wants to. He'll wager 100 dollars that he can stop whenever he wants to. Please take the wager. He needs to pay his rent.] (The End) [Renegade: The only problem with this is that it's average, which is why coming up with riffs, for me, is getting harder and harder.] [Jjs: Once again, I had pretty much no major issues with this. Coming up with riffs for this is getting harder for me as well, but hey, it doesn't hurt to riff one actually decent work for a change.] [JCM: I've actually had an easier time writing riffs for this than any other spin-off/lit, probably because I don't have to worry about hurting any feelings but my own. JCM: Can confirm. Feelings are very hurt right now. JCM: Grow some balls. JCM: Stop being so mean. JCM: u know i luv u bby JCM: yeah i know ^_^] Edited November 30, 2017 by jjsthekid 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted April 14, 2017 Share Posted April 14, 2017 13 hours ago, jjsthekid said: [Trophy: Goodbye pointless padding flashback used for plot convenience!] The flashback wasn't pointless or padding, it was explaining Mermaid Man's origin. The reason the boy is called Ernie is to make homage to Ernest Borgnine, Mermaid Man's voice actor. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted April 18, 2017 Author Share Posted April 18, 2017 (edited) Mermaid Man: The Aquatic Avenger 10. Miniature Mermaid Man Spoiler (We open at the roof of a building. Mermaid Man is fighting The Moth, who is holding a sack of stolen money in his mouth.) [Hayden: JCM, that's ultra gross. Nobody wants moth saliva on their currency.] The Moth: You foolish human! Don't you know what I'm capable of? [JCM: Running into lights without dying?] [Hayden: Holding things with your mouth?] (Mermaid Man kicks The Moth with a force that sends him into the sky and causes him to drop the sack of money.) [Hayden: ] Mermaid Man: No, and I don't care. [Hayden: ] (Mermaid Man prepares to jump off the roof with the sack of money when The Moth re-appears in front of him with a shrink ray.) [JCM: People find the strangest things floating in the sky.] Mermaid Man: (laughs) What? Are you here for a second helping? [Hayden: He can't have a second helping because he never finished eating that green stuff.] The Moth: No thanks. I'm full. [Hayden: Doesn't make that punchline any less empty.] (The Moth shoots Mermaid Man with the shrink ray.) Mermaid Man: (sees everything around him grow larger) Wha...what have you done? [JCM: Shrunk you, I assume.] [Hayden: Now he's the size of a moth, the irony.] The Moth: Eliminated you as a threat. (The Moth flicks the now-shrunken Mermaid Man to the other side of the building, grabs the sack of money and flutters away.) [Hayden: You didn't really eliminate him as a threat if you flicked him instead of squashed him, bug brain.] (The theme song plays.) [Hayden: ] (Cut to the Mermalair. Barnacle Boy is looking at Mermaid Man through a magnifying glass.) [Hayden: I'm assuming a lengthy time skip happened if Mermaid Man had to walk there himself.] Barnacle Boy: So you don't know how to reverse this? [JCM: If he did, do you think he'd still be an inch tall?] [Hayden: Absolutely JCM, everyone loves casually being at a size that vulnerable.] Mermaid Man: I'm afraid not. Barnacle Boy: Bummer. Do you have any idea where The Moth might be right now? [Hayden: Somewhere where he can put other strange things in his mouth.] Mermaid Man: No. He seemed like a petty criminal at first, but that shrink ray was some heavy-duty technology, the kind you could only get from... Barnacle Boy: Dr. Octofish's Shop of Arms. I'm on it. [JCM: DOCTOR OCTOGONAPUS BLAUGH] [Hayden: Always go and grab that meme link, bruh.] (Barnacle Boy flies out the Mermalair, and Mermaid Man, in boredom, sits down on a newspaper.) Mermaid Man: 70 degrees and sunny. Nice day to fight crime. (Cut to Dr. Octofish's Shop of Arms. Barnacle Boy flies through the door and pins the owner to the wall.) [JCM: Very superheroey thing to do.] [Hayden: So, is this like a legal shop or some criminal underbelly? Kind of need some context.] Barnacle Boy: We can do this the easy way or the hard way. [Hayden: I choose the medium way.] Dr. Octofish: Do what? Barnacle Boy: The interrogation. You're going to tell me everything you know about the last guy you sold a shrink ray to, and you're going to tell me now. [Hayden: Demanding it like a Barnacle Man.] Dr. Octofish: I can't. Customer confidentiality and all that tarter sauce. [JCM: He sells tartar sauce rays, too?] [Hayden: This commendable store owner follows the sworn oath of the law and gets senselessly pinned to a wall for it. You just can't win in this economy.] Barnacle Boy: He shrunk down Mermaid Man! Dr. Octofish: And I should care why? [Hayden: ] (Barnacle Boy grabs one of Dr. Octofish's tentacles and twists it.) [JCM: Oh, boy. I read "testicles" at first and really felt that.] Dr. Octofish: Ouch! Alright! I get it! The creepy-looking moth-man you're talking about, he stops at the pond just a few blocks away to get a drink every afternoon. 3:00 PM exactly. You can't miss it. [Hayden: What a convenient and timely ritual!] Barnacle Boy: That's all? Dr. Octofish: Yeah! That's all. And don't worry about your friend. The shrink ray's effect on him will wear off after 34 hours. [JCM: 34 ] [Hayden: This makes The Moth's statement of Mermaid Man being neutralized even less practical. Does he plan to blast the shrink ray at Mermaid Man every 34 hours for infinity and beyond?] Barnacle Boy: (looks at watch) It's been three hours now. Dr. Octofish: Then it's only a matter of time. [Hayden: 31 hours for Mermaid Man to catch up on his favorite soaps.] (Barnacle Boy lets go of Dr. Octofish and flies out the way he came.) Dr. Octofish: What, you're not going to buy anything? [JCM: kids these days amirite] [Hayden: He could've bought something to counter the shrink ray.] (Cut to the Mermalair. As Mermaid Man reads the newspaper, a spider crawls up behind him and watches him hungrily.) [Hayden: I wasn't aware Mermen were in a spider's diet.] Mermaid Man: Why do I have the strangest feeling that an arachnid is about to devour me? (turns around) Oh, that's why! [Hayden: ] (The spider blasts Mermaid Man with silk, and Mermaid Man dodges the attacks.) [JCM: This is what my show has been reduced to.] [Hayden: The only thing miniature right now is JCM's manhood.] Mermaid Man: You know, I never liked spiders. [Hayden: They're adorable until they steal your chips.] (Mermaid Man punches the spider in the face, and the spider shakes its head and lunges at the hero.) [Hayden: This is apparently Mermaid Man's toughest fight in the series even though his superpowers weren't erased by the ray.] (Cut to The Moth, who is drinking from a pond. Barnacle Boy flies down and kicks him into the water.) [JCM: Barnale Boy's a friggin' jerk.] [Hayden: What a Barnacle Bitch.] The Moth: (flies out of the pond) Another one? [Hayden: Yes, we sometimes forget he exists too since he's been in less than half the episodes to this point.] (The Moth pulls out his shrink ray, but Barnacle Boy uses his heat vision to knock it out of The Moth's hand.) [Hayden: Why not just melt the shrink ray?] The Moth: Oh no! Barnacle Boy: Villiany 101: Don't use the same trick twice. [JCM: Can my Villainy 101 credits transfer from Henchman College?] (Barnacle Boy punches The Moth in the stomach and rips off his wings, causing The Moth to fall back into the pond. When he stands up, he's dripping with water.) [Hayden: Barnacle Brutal. ] The Moth: Fine! I surrender! Are you happy? Barnacle Boy: Not completely. (Barnacle Boy picks up the shrink ray and uses it on The Moth.) [JCM: Merciless.] [Hayden: ] Barnacle Boy: Now I'm happy. [Hayden: Usually miniature things make you unhappy. ] The Moth: (turns red) You...you... (Barnacle Boy flicks The Moth out of the pond and hovers over him as he lands on the wet grass.) Barnacle Boy: Tell me what you did with the stolen money before I step on you. [JCM: Judging by the way he's acted until now, I think he actually would step on The Moth.] [Hayden: Well, barnacles are edgy.] The Moth: You stupid boy! Once I return to my original height, I'll... Barnacle Boy: Tell me! The Moth: I hid it in the lighthouse! [JCM: Watch as Barnacle Boy steps on him anyway.] Barnacle Boy: Thank you for your cooperation. (picks up The Moth) Now come on. [Hayden: Well that's a heel turn. With his personality, not his heel since he didn't step on The Moth and twist.] The Moth: Where are we going? Barnacle Boy: You're going to the police station. I'm just escorting you. [JCM: Never expected Barnacle Boy to give up his career in crime fighting for prostitution.] The Moth: (rolls eyes) Wonderful. [Hayden: ] (Cut to the Mermalair. Barnacle Boy walks in.) Barnacle Boy: Hey, Mermaid Man! Great news! You'll back to your old size by tomorrow, and...whoa! what's that? (Barnacle Boy points to the spider from earlier in the episode, but its legs are tied in a knot and it has a black eye.) [JCM: Aren't spiders black already? [Barnacle Boy: So are you, but that won't stop me from giving you a black eye.] [JCM: How did you get into my riff???] Mermaid Man: Oh, he's my newest friend. (laughs) [Hayden: Now I see where Barnacle Boy gets some of his disturbing habits.] (The End) [Barnacle Boy: It better be.] [JCM: pls dont hurt me] [Hayden: So that was Barnacle Boy: The Aquatic Revenger. *cringes at the sound of JCM begging for mercy in the other room* The variety of awkward quirks are what made it special instead of mundane. *hears some loud crashing and smashing* Plus it was the right decision to keep this series short and sweet before he ran out of supervillains. He'd have probably resorted to some big arc where Barnacle Boy turns evil, which wouldn't be a stretch after today's detached and remorseless incarnation.] [Barnacle Boy: How would you like to say that to my heat vision?] Hayden: *makes a break for it with Barnacle Boy in pursuit* Note: This explains why neither of us are in the final three chapters.] 11. Sweet Dreams Spoiler [Marilyn Renson: Are made of this.] [Teenj: Now I can't get that one Beyonce song out of my head. "You could be a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare. Either way I don't wanna wake up from you" ] [Fred: Sweet dreams are made of memes, who am I to disagree-me?] (We open at the Bikini Bottom Museum of Arts. Snorelonn walks into the museum after closing. He passes a guard, who immediately grabs his shoulder.) [Teenj: Uh-Oh, shouldn't of done that.] [Fred: Snorelonn sounds like one of those Pokemon rejects you get when you evolve your Snorlax.] Guard: Hey, don't you know that we're closed? [Fred: ] [Renegade: Snorelonn: Yes. (Snorelonn pulls the guard's arm off his shoulder, and the guard drowsily slumps to the floor. As Snorelonn goes deeper into the museum, the guard, barely awake, pushes a button on his walkie-talkie.) [Teenj: Did he...rip his arm off? How..gore-y, lol.] Guard: Commissioner...I'll need reinforcements. (passes out) [Teenj: Yup. This guard may literally need a 'right hand man'.] (Cut to Commissioner Johnson's office.) Commissioner Johnson: Freddie, what's going on? Freddie? [Fred: You rang?] [Renegade: No, Seddie.] [Teenj: ^ Creddie ] (Commissioner Johnson presses a button on his walkie-talkie.) Commissioner Johnson: Get as many policemen as you can to the Bikini Bottom Museum of Arts, and make it fast! (The theme song plays.) [Teenj: ...footage still not found.] [Fred: I'm running out of ideas here so this: ] (Mermaid Man is flying high above Bikini Bottom when he notices police cars heading for the museum.) Mermaid Man: What's going on there? [Renegade: ...What do ya think, they're going to the annual Donut Festival?!] [Fred: They did, but it got raided by the fuzz.] (Mermaid Man enters the museum through one of its windows, and he finds Snorelonn removing valuable paintings from the wall.) Snorelonn: (laughs) It looks like the guard brought company. Mermaid Man: I'm only going to tell you this once. Put those paintings back where you got them and leave. [Teenj: ] Snorelonn: Who are you? My mother? [Renegade: No, but you can use your one phone call to tell her you've been a bad boy.] [Fred: Mermaid Mom?] Mermaid Man: No, but when I'm done with you, you'll wish I was. [Teenj: Dem sum fightin' werds.] (Mermaid Man punches Snorelonn in the face, causing him to drop all the paintings and stumble to the ground.) Snorelonn: (shakes head) Fine. You want to get rough? Let tango. [Mermaid Man: I'm sorry, but I prefer waltzes.] [Renegade: And now, Audible.com presents: 50 Shades of Snorelon.] (Snorelonn takes a swing at Mermaid Man, but Mermaid Man dodges it and uses his heat vision to burn Snorelonn's fist.) [Teenj: These two are really giving Christian Grey a run for his money.] Snorelonn: Ouch! [Teenj: ] (Snorelonn sucks on the back of his hand, and Mermaid Man prepares to throw a waterball at him. Suddenly, red and blue lights flash through the windows.) [Renegade: Oh, great...it's Electric Soldier Porygon.] Policeman: (offscreen) Come out with your hands up. We have you surrounded. [Teenj: Yeaaah, don't go inside. It's a porno in there..] Snorelonn: Barnacles! It's the cops! (Snorelonn pushes Mermaid Man and runs towards the water vent. Mermaid Man tries to run after him, but a feeling of sleepiness takes him over.) Mermaid Man: What have you done to me? [Teenj: Lol, Snorelonn put that ass to sleep. In more ways than one. ] Snorelonn: (smiles) You have your superpowers. I have mine. (Snorelonn pulls the cover off the water vent and starts to go in.) Snorelonn: Oh, right! I almost forgot! (Snorelonn picks up the valuable paintings and pushes them into the vent first.) [Renegade: OK, that got a laugh out of me.] Snorelonn: Toodle-loo! (Mermaid Man uses what's left of his energy to throw a water ball at Snorelonn as he crawls into the vent. Surprised, Snorelonn falls out of the vent and hits his head on the marble floor, knocking him out just as policemen march into the museum and look at the scene in confusion.) [Teenj: ] (Cut to the police station. Commissioner Johnson is drinking coffee with his officers.) [Teenj: ...So, is this the start of a new porno?] Commissioner Johnson: Another job well done, boys. It turns out that Snorelonn, as he's apparently called, is wanted in 39 states. This arrest will bring us a lot of good media. [Fred: Bitch better not visit Florida.] Policeman 1: Don't forget that we also captured that wretched vigilante Mermaid Man! Commissioner Johnson: (unenthusiastically) Yes. Him too. Policeman 2: Speaking of Mermaid Man, what did we even do with him? He's not in any of the cells. Commissioner Johnson: We put him in a temporary holding place until he'd wake up and we could question him. We did the same thing with the guard from the museum. Policeman 1: Are you sure that's a good idea? Mermaid Man isn't your average fish, you know. [Commissioner Johnson: You're right. He's smarter than the average fish.] [Fred: Mermaid Man's just an average fish! That no one understands!] Commissioner Johnson: If you're asking me if I think Mermaid Man is a flight risk, I've taken the necessary precautions. (Cut to a dark room. Mermaid Man opens his eyes and sees nothing but blackness around him. He feels handcuffs around his wrists.) Mermaid Man: Where am I? (The lights turn on, and Commissioner Johnson is standing in the doorway.) [Renegade: ...Dark Knight scene incoming.] Mermaid Man: Well, congratulations. You caught me. Commissioner Johnson: Yeah, I did. So tell me. Why? Mermaid Man: Why what? [Renegade: ] Commissioner Johnson: Why do you do what you do? Mermaid Man: Because if I don't...who else will? [Teenj: Good point.] Commissioner Johnson: (sighs) We have this entire police force... [Teenj: Better point.] Mermaid Man: And it would've been useless if Snorelonn got into that vent. [Mermaid Man: And I would've caught him if it wasn't for those meddling kids! And their damn dog too!] Commissioner Johnson: Just think about the charges we could bring against you. Trespassing...assault and battery...obstruction of justice... Mermaid Man: Just do what you came in here to do. Commissioner Johnson: Mermaid Man...you're free to go. Mermaid Man: What? Commissioner Johnson: I told you that I'd turn a blind eye to your activities, and I'm making good on that promise. So leave, and don't let me catch you here again. [Teenj: I sure hope the rest of the force doesn't find out what ya did.] (Cut to a shot of the room's exterior. A policeman who's waiting outside the door hears a crash, and he runs into the room to find a hole in the ceiling.) Commissioner Johnson: (hunched over the table) I tried to stop him, but he overpowered me. (fake cough) He's gone. [Teenj: ] Policeman: That's alright, commissioner. He can't run forever. [Renegade: ...Yep. Knew it.] (The policeman helps Commissioner Johnson out the room.) Commissioner Johnson: (thinking) For Mermaid Man's sake, I hope he's wrong. [Announcer: Will Mermaid Man be right? Find out next time on another episode of The Aquatic Avenger! In 4 more weeks.] (The End) [Renegade: Yep. Still too average.] [Teenj: Sooooo, in summation: JCM wrote a fighting porno, Commisssioner Johnson has a crush on Mermaid Man, and I think I now ship the Champion Of The Deep with...Snorelonn???? Fav episode eva.] Edited November 30, 2017 by jjsthekid 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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