Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBoy! Get a Clue 

1. Mystery of The Missing Tail

 

[Fred: A little pre-amble for a minute, but I assume this is supposed to be a parody of "Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, Get a Clue"? If so, then I'm not sure that parodying a mediocre spin-off I'm sure nobody remembers existing would be a good idea. I know Mystery Incorporated was parodied on here before but AT LEAST that show was less obscure and more recognizable than this. Anyways, let's get to it.]

[Hayden: I'M GONNA RIFF THIS SHIT ALL DAY LONG!]

[Jjs: Oh boy, this spin-off. This is going to be a lot of nostalgia for 2010 users. This is going to be a fun ride. A little context to anybody not aware, but this is an old spin-off of teenj's, and one of his personal shames. Let's just say this was not liked very much, even back in 2010. Teenj himself personally regrets a lot of this. You will be able to see very fast (and I mean very fast) what went wrong with this. However, I also think it is one of the most unintentionally funny things we have ever riffed.]

Ep.1 "Mystery of The Missing Tail"

[Fred: Starring The Hardly Boys.]

[Teenj: Generic Episode Title. Check.]

[Hayden: Is their first case client Eeyore?]

[Metal Snake: Fairy Tail?] 

[Renegade: No, I was thinking more of An American Tail.]

SpongeBoy was an impressionable, intelligent, second grade boy.

[Jjs: Okay, stop. Hold on there, eager beaver. Now I'm remembering why I didn't like this 6 years ago, and one of the biggest problems of this spin-off right off the bat...

Who the fuck is SpongeBoy? I am guessing (and believe me, trying to guess anything in this spin-off is a risk in and of itself) it is a younger version of SpongeBob, but the spin-off never makes that clear the whole way through. Not once are we ever given much explanation for who our main protagonist is supposed to be. This isn't as bothersome as it was back in the day, but this is definitely not a good start to your spin-off if the only thing we know about our protagonist in the first sentence is "he is an impressionable, intelligent, second grade boy" with nothing else ever explained. I know it's not fair to judge the character in the very first episode, but if my memory serves correctly, we never find out anything else on who SpongeBoy is supposed to be throughout the spin-off.]

[Teenj: Generic character introduction. Check.]

[Metal Snake: Yeah, I’m gonna steal Jjs’ style of riffing for a second and point out three things wrong with this show in only the first sentence…

1. Who’s SpongeBoy? Yes, I know you just gave a (rather short and unsatisfying) description of him, but who is he? Spongebob as a kid? An OC? The original Spongebob?

2. Impressionable and intelligent? I can imagine Spongebob being impressionable as a kid, thus I will skip an obvious child molestation joke, but intelligent? Spongebob was never intelligent. What, did his Simpsons genes kick in when he got older? 

3. Second grade boy? Had you just said, “second grader”, I would’ve assumed SpongeBoy was a girl.

One sentence in, and I’m already scratching my head, smh.]

[Renegade: Past!teenj, I congratulate you on the unintentional in-joke of SpongeBob's original name. Nobody else would get it unless they really knew about the show. Now, as for impressionable...yes. Intelligent? Have you SEEN seasons 4-9.1?! Also to add to Snake's riff...second grade boy? YA DON'T SAY?!] 

[Hayden: I think what everyone up above is missing is that describing SpongeBoy as intelligent AND impressionable is an oxymoron. I wouldn't call being easily influenced an intellectual strength.]

He walked into class and sat down at his desk.

[Jjs: Wow, Avant-garde poetry right here.]

[Fred: *opened up PM and sat down at his desk*]

[Renegade: such awesome. much mundane. wow.]

[Teenj: This show is killing me with its descriptions. Was past!me really this basic at writing???]

[Hayden: Stupid story, it's not like he actually owns the desk. Did he pay for it?]

"SpongeBoy!" Sandy said. "Hi Sandy. Its great to see you" SpongeBoy said.

[Teenj: Generic dialogue. CHECK.]

[Metal Snake: “Past!teenj!” Jjs riffed. “There’s a thing called spacing the dialogue out to make it easier to read, you ever heard of it?” Metal Snake riffed.]

"I can't believe Pat made it to second grade" Sandy said. "He only passed first grade by cheating off me on tests" SpongeBoy remarked.

[SpongeBoy: He cheated! He cheated!]

[Hayden: I remember all my rigorous first grade exams.]

"Hey, I'm smart!" Patrick said.

[Renegade: ...Not smart enough, seeing as you had to CHEAT in first grade! Wouldn't it had made more sense if they were in third, maybe fourth grade?] 

[Metal Snake: Given that Patrick was originally established to be only slightly less intelligent than Spongebob, I can actually imagine that. Not to mention that cheating in school back then was more difficult to do and required more conniving.] 

[Teenj: Just to let you all know, everyone in this spin-off is a giant asshole for no reason. What was it about past!me that liked to write my characters as jerks? (looking at you, Life Of Larry The Krab).]

"I could be the top in this school if it weren't for Jimmy Wells over there" Sandy said.

[Hayden: He does well because it's his last name.]

[Jjs: Sandy wants to be the top of the school? What a strange request.]

[Metal Snake: Wouldn’t it make more sense for this to be Patrick’s line and not Sandy’s considering it was his intelligence that was being undermined?]

[Renegade: Not really, Snake. Remember, Patrick is unintelligent enough to cheat in first grade.]

"Jimmy Wells? That nerd.." SpongeBoy said. Suddenly, a paper ball hit Sandy's head.

[Jjs: Is she wearing her air helmet? This may or may not be a major plot hole (take your pick).]

[Renegade: *singing* Won't be long/Mark my words/The time has come for revenge of the nerds!]

[Metal Snake: You know, I feel this is my cue to make a joke about the paper ball being the most interesting character so far, but since that’s been done to death, I’ll instead remark on how every character so far is only as interesting as sandpaper...if you could roll sandpaper up into a ball. That’s right, I’m giving Past!teenj a tiny bit of credit.]

"What's big idea?" Sandy said turning around.

[Metal Snake: What’s the correct English?]

[Fred: What is grammar? Baby, don't hurt me.]

[Renegade: Insert obligatory "me love you long time" joke here.]

[Hayden: There are no big ideas in this chapter, Sandy.]

[Jjs: Since you asked Sandy, a "big idea" is an idea that is big in its conception.]

The school bully, Flex, had been picking on Sandy and SpongeBoy since last year. "Cut it out Flex" Sandy said. "Quiet class" the teacher, Ms.Applebottom said.

[Teenj: And now enter: obligatory, cliche bully.]

[Metal Snake: Wow, Dr. Applecheeks from The Tom & Jerry Movie just got competition for the most bizarre made-up name I’ve ever heard.]

[Hayden: A bully named Flex. I'm sure he's the most ripped 2nd grader in class.]

[Renegade: Applebottom jeans? Do they come with those boots with the fur?]

[Jjs: Flex. Ms. Applebottom. Austin Layers and Carl Housed get more and more competition as the years go by.]

"AHHH" Sandy screamed. "My tale! Its gone" Sandy said.

[Metal Snake: Don’t be silly, Sandy. No one could ever take away your life story!]

[Hayden: Sandy's tail is as easily detachable as this figurine's.

 ]

[Jjs: Maybe Sandy is actually referring to how the "story" in this spin-off has gone missing. Now that would be a funny meta commentary!]

[Renegade: No, I think she means her Undertale.] 

"Who could of stole it?" SpongeBoy asked.

[Jjs: Is it Henry, the mild mannered janitor?

 ]

[Fred: Ya know, I really didn't want to call The Grammar Police this time, but this spin-off is making me want to dial 911 for grammar abuse.]

[Hayden: That was my favorite grammar mistake as a kid, so I'll let Teenj slide...out in the playground.]

"It was you, Flex!" Sandy yelled. "I didn't, I swear" Flex said. "Wait, Sandy, maybe we can sniff it out?" Patrick said. "Good idea Pat" Sandy said.

[Renegade: "Wait.." SpongeBoy said. "How would you know we should sniff it out, Pat? You don't even have a nose!"] 

[Metal Snake: “Yeah, we’ll sniff out your bullshit story like glue!”]

[Teenj: I love how she just assumes Flex did it. Isn't this supposed to be a mystery show? Shouldn't she be a better detective than that? Well, she is only a second grade girl.]

"Teach, call security" SpongeBoy said. The teacher called security. The security guards brought in highly trained search snails.

[Fred: If this is a supposed "mystery" show, shouldn't THEY solve the mystery themselves instead of (no pun intended) copping out and calling security instead?]

[Metal Snake: WOW. I love how not only did this teacher just blindly obey what her seven-year-old students told her to do, but she called security guards with highly trained animals who could be from the Bikini Bottom SWAT team for all we know...into an elementary school. Over petty theft of all things. What the hell.] 

[Renegade: I also like how SpongeBoy calls her "Teach", rather than "Teacher" or "Miss Applebottom". You'd think he'd have better sense than to disrespect her like that.]

[Teenj: As evident, this teacher has absolutely no control over her own classroom. How did she get certified again?]

[Hayden: A highly trained team of search snails would take forever to find something.]

[Jjs: Hold on a second here. Search snails? For a tail (tale?) that went presumingly missing in one tiny room? Couldn't they just do a normal backpack search? Are they looking for a tail or drugs? Then again, kids do a lot of crazy things these days, and knowing the amount of ridiculousness in this spin-off, maybe one of them has drugs in their backpack. Oops, there I go using my brain.]

The snails sniffed the tail out in Jimmy Well's backpack! "Jimmy! Why?" Sandy asked.

[Teenj: 'The snails sniffed the tail out in Jimmy Well's backpack' - Teenj12, 2010.]

[Jjs: Well shit, I liked my theory loads better. Would've been more interesting than this "surprising" reveal. Does this Jimmy Well happen to be related to Neptune Tell from Prince Neptune?]

[Metal Snake: “I thought my jealousy for you was SPECIAL!”] 

[Renegade: JIMMY?! DUN DUN DUUUUN!]

[Hayden: He stole your tail in order to distract you and keep his high 2nd grade GPA.]

[Fred: Who is Jimmy Well? He sure sounds like that "Jimmy Wells" dude.]

"Because, I was jealous that you were as smart as me. You can be smart,but NOT UP TO MY IQ" Jimmy said.

[Metal Snake: You are Dumb. You are son of a botch who can NOT BE UP TO MY IQ.]

[Fred: With poor grammar like that, I'm surprised he even has an IQ. I'm surprised anyone in this show does.]

[Hayden: So we're going to sweep up Sandy's jealousy and make it Jimmy that was jealous all along? What's the lesson here?]

[Renegade: Wow. What an asshole. Oh, wait, was I talking about Jimmy, or every character in this story? I get confused.]

[Jjs: How did he even remove her tail in the first place? Never mind, I don't want to think about it...]

"Jimmy, your suspended Mr." Ms.Applebottom said.

[Fred: What the fuck is a "suspended Mr."?]

[Hayden: Bitch, since when are you the principal? Also, a kid taking something from someone in the 2nd grade doesn't sound like grounds for suspension, but what do I know?]

"Hey, SpongeBoy, Would you like this snail as a reward? Patrick didn't want it." one security guard said.

[Patrick: I thought it was a snail for eating!]

[Metal Snake: Because that’s what members of the SWAT team would do after they were called for an emergency at an elementary school only to find that it was for petty theft. They’d start handing out their highly trained animals that could potentially kill a child to the students. Best security team ever.]

[Renegade: And when was Patrick offered this highly-trained attack animal, past!teenj? THAT would be a good mystery.]

[Hayden: Remember security agents, always pawn off animals that you don't want to care for on elementary school students. Especially when it means encouraging them to abuse calling 911.]

[Teenj: ....That's it? That was the 'mystery'??? No wonder this show is getting riffed.]

[Jjs: I think the real mystery of this episode is where the actual story was.]

"Sure I will!" SpongeBoy said. "I'm gonna name you Gary!" SpongeBoy told the snail. "Meow" Gary said.

[Jjs: Just when I thought Scooby-Doo had the most awkward and lulziest endings to its mysteries, this somehow finds a way to prove me wrong. Impressive.]

[Metal Snake: “Meow.”. That’s how it ends. As always, nothing short of poetry. Cool. Now then, Past!teenj, could you please explain to us where the mystery was in all this?]

[Hayden: Why was this suddenly a Gary origins fill-in? Because teenj realized he needed something to happen to the main character in the first episode?]

[Renegade: I can answer that one, Snake. It's simple, really: The mystery...was IN MY ASS.]

[Teenj: Present!Me couldn't even explain to you, Snake. Pretty sure Past!Me wouldn't be able to either.]

[Fred: So to summarize this whole episode:

"Somebody stole my tail! Call security!"

"It was Jimmy!"

"I was jealous of Sandy being smart so I stole it for some weird reason!"

"Thank you for doing absolutely nothing, SpongeBoy. Here's a snail."

Jesus Christ, I'm pretty sure even "Shaggy and Scooby-Doo, Get a Clue" had longer and better mysteries than this!]

Edited December 21, 2016 by Mr. Hankey

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

lawl

[SpongeOddFan]

haha this is hilarious so far.

[Metal Snake]

This is the most I've enjoyed reading riffs in a while. Excellent!

[TJ]

That was great, guys xD. 

[Joe Biden]

I'm pretty sure that this is the only riffing spin-off/lit where no riffer can do wrong.

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBoy! Get a Clue

2. Mystery of The School Mummy

Spoiler

Ep.2 "Mystery of The School Mummy"

[Fred: I want my mummy, Mr. Squidward!]

[Renegade: "Are you my mummy?"]

[JCM: Our public schools are in such dire straights they're hiring the undead to teach classes now.]

SpongeBoy went to school.

[Fred: Thanks for the information! I never would have found that out by myself!]

[Renegade: Honestly, this episode would be a lot quicker if SpongeBoy didn't go to school. But then again, we wouldn't have anything to riff.]

It was April Fools Day. "Hey SpongeBoy! Watch out or you'll be prank-ed!" Sandy warned him.

[Fred: What's that dash for? Will he be going to a prank education class? Will he turn into a prankster named Ed? Will he be pranked by someone named Ed? I thought "pranked" was a word or something.]

[Renegade: I didn't know this would be an Ed, Edd, n'Eddy crossover! Good job, Fred.]

[JCM: Fred, Fredd, n Freddy.]

"Sandy, I'm the prank-er, not the prank-e" SpongeBoy gloated.

[SpongeBoy: Na na na na naaaa naaaa! I am the prank-er, and you are not!]

"Ok..I warned you" Sandy said.

[JCM: Are you too lazy to use three periods for your ellipsis? Then I've got just the thing for you..semilipses!]

In class, Flex was talking to his friends. "They must be pulling a prank" Sandy said.

[Fred: Ah yes. Suspect the school bully and his friends. How very Sandy of you.]

[Renegade: Maybe they're planning on how to get out of this spin-off.]

All of a sudden, scary ghost music began playing and a balloon dressed as a ghost

[JCM: How do you know it wasn't a ghost dressed as a balloon? Check your privilege.]

floated through the classroom. SpongeBoy was very, very scared. Although, the most scared boy is the class was, Gene Grey. Gene was scared of literally everything.

[Fred: He should go see a psychiatrist or therapist then.]

[JCM: He can't. He's scared of psychiatrists and therapists.]

[Renegade: Maybe that's his mutant power.]

The teacher threw a pen at the balloon-ed ghost, popping it.

[Fred: It must be the sharpest pen in the world then. I can't imagine an ordinary pen being as sharp as a dart or nail.

Also, you couldn't just say "balloon ghost" or something? Stop trying to attach "ed" to every word.]

"Ratchet kids, one day I'll get them good." the teacher said.

[JCM: Yeah, I know lots of teachers who know the word "ratchet".]

[Teacher: Those meddling kids.....]

[Renegade: One flew east, one flew west, one flew over the cuckoo's nest.]

The next day at school, the nurse lady was found passed out.

[Renegade: OH NO! NOT THE NURSE LADY!]

[JCM: She must have eaten her own food.]

"What happened here?" SpongeBoy asked the nurse. "A mummy...a terrible mummy" the nurse replied.

[Fred: So, uh, did the balloon ghost story have some sort of connection to the mummy mystery story? Seems kind of odd to go from that to this.]

"A mummy?" Patrick asked. "Yes, I'm quite sure" the nurse said. Suddenly, there was screams coming through the halls. SpongeBoy, Sandy, and Patrick ran out from the nurse's office. The mummy was terrorizing the students.

[JCM: Thanks, Obama!]

[Love Mummy: LOOOOOOOVE! HUUUUUUUGS! CUUUUUUUUUUURSE!]

[Renegade: KING RAAAAAMSES! THE MAN IN GAUZE! THE MAN IN GAUZE!]

"Stop, mummy" Sandy screamed.

[Sandy: Stop. Mummy. Now.]

The mummy ran off with no trace.

[Renegade: Wow. That brilliant plan worked.]

[JCM: She didn't even giving the mummy time to start his tracing. Savage.]

"It has to be Flex" Sandy said. "Only one problem, Flex is absent from school today. He's in the hospital" Pat noted.

[JCM: It's not like people can lie about being in the hospital.]

"So its not Flex.." SpongeBoy said. a fish named Fred came up to the kids.

[Fred: Oh yeah. I forgot that I have a cameo in this episode. Of all the spin-offs my character appears in......]

[Renegade: Flex, the Red Herring of SpongeBoy!Get A Clue!.]

"SpongeBoy, the mummy is heading to the cafeteria" Fred said. "Thanks Fred" SpongeBoy said running off with Sandy and Patrick following.

[JCM: Great job telling them something they could have figured out by using their eyes, Fred!]

[Fred: Oh and SpongeBoy? If you ever make this into an online spin-off, make sure the episodes and characterizations make sense. Kthnxbye.

*runs from SpongeBoy back to the Riffing Theater*

That was close. Now where were we?]

The kids poured beads all through the cafeteria floor.

[JCM: Where'd they get anal beads?]

The mummy came in and it slipped on the beads, hurting itself. They unmasked it and it turned out to be Gene Grey! "Gene, but why?" SpongeBoy asked. "Because, I am always scared, especially on April Fools. I wanted you all to feel my frightening pain" Gene said.

[JCM: Yet you're not scared of being suffocated by bandages?]

[Fred: So lemme get this straight. You dressed up as a mummy, terrorized the whole school, and possibly set up the balloon ghost in the classroom to get revenge on everyone, ALL because you're scared of everything? And how could you have set all of this up if you're scared of everything INCLUDING ghosts and mummies? What logic does that make?]

"Gene, your expelled." The principle said.

[Fred: Send him to a shrink as well, "Principle". I know a good one. His name is Dr. Peter Lankton.]

[JCM: What happened to Gene's expelled, though? I really want to know what happened to his expelled.]

[Renegade: Expel a kid with chronic anxiety who is the constant butt of April Fools jokes? Seems legit.]

"Good job kids!" The Principle said. "Thanks" the kids said.

[Fred: So to summarize this episode:

"I'm scared of everything so I'm gonna dress up as a mummy and scare everyone!"]

[Renegade: "Right." said Fred.]

[JCM: Leave the dressing up to Halloween, kids.]

 

Edited December 21, 2016 by Mr. Hankey

[Joe Biden]

Gene Grey is a no do-good pussy

[Metal Snake]

On 10/4/2016 at 3:01 PM, jjsthekid said:

All of a sudden, scary ghost music began playing and a balloon dressed as a ghost

Possible inspiration for Halloween Literature by Spikeywikey?

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

3 hours ago, King Sombra said:

Possible inspiration for Halloween Literature by Spikeywikey?

I don't get it?

[Metal Snake]

5 hours ago, Renegade the Spookycorn said:

I don't get it?

I don't get why you couldn't just quickly check what I was referencing?

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBoy! Get a Clue

3. Mystery of The Stolen Bicycle

Ep.3 "Mystery of The Stolen Bicycle"

[Hayden: Wow, this mystery hits close to home. I doubt it will be as devastating as the time the Pokemon bike I won in a Saturday morning Kids WB contest got taken.]

"Sandy, you called?" SpongeBoy said walking in her treedom.

[Trophy: Nice to know she already has it.]

[Metal Snake: He entered the realm of Sandy’s love for trees?]

[Hayden: SpongeBoy stop imposing your privilege on her treedom. I'm guessing that's freedom for squirrels.]

"Yea, look, I got a new bike!" Sandy said.

"Wow its all pink and shiny" SpongeBoy said.

[Hayden: Wow, it's a gender stereotype!]

[Metal Snake: “Wow, it’s all blandly described!”]

[Trophy: Be easy on him Metal, he's only a 2nd grader.]

"Yeah, I'm going to ride it around" Sandy told him. SpongeBoy watched as Sandy rode her bike. "Sandy, Oh no, you rode right on my flowers" Sandy's mother said.

[Metal Snake: Wow, I don’t know what’s more riffworthy. The complete lack of emotion or the complete lack of effort in describing a scene. Come on, there is no excuse not to at least write “While Sandy was riding, however, she mistakenly ran over her mother’s flowers.” even if this show has the budget of a smore.]

[Teenj: Is everyone in this spin-off emotionally one note? Does Sandy's mother have a name? Can this dialogue be anymore bland? Questions of the hour.]

[Trophy: Even with an exclamation point, that would sound ridiculously bland, but now it's cheerios without milk levels. CHEERIOS WITHOUT MILK, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE?]

"I'm sorry mom" Sandy apologized.

[Teenj: Who is 'sorry mom'?]

"Its alright sweetheart" Sandy's mom said. "Sandy, I want a turn on that there bike" Sandy's sister, Sally said.

[Trophy: "That there bike." Yup, she's a southerner. Definitely Sandy's sister alright.]

[Hayden: Could Sally be this episode's thief? I know it's preposterous to call it right now with all the possibilities we have.]

[Metal Snake: Uh, where did you come from?]

[Teenj: Right, because Sandy totally has a sister named Sally who literally just appeared out of nowhere to serve no further purpose in the episode.]

"No, you broke my last one" Sandy replied. Sandy showed everyone at school her bike.

[Metal Snake: Uh, how did you suddenly teleport to the school?]

[Teenj: She used a TARDIS, of course.

 

...I mean, in a story that already doesn't make sense, I'm sure this wouldn't be too out there.]

[Hayden: My guess is she used Goku's Instant Transmission technique.]

"That's a real beauty" a kid named Chuck said.

[Metal Snake: And again, uh, where did you come from? Characters with no personality or backstory are just being shoehorned in left and right. That’s one of the biggest problems with this show as a whole, every character just gets forced into the plot without being given any reason for you to be attached to them.]

[Hayden: Damnit, now it might be Chuck. 50/50. It's like a True/False question on a quiz.]

"Thank's Chuck!" Sandy said.

[Trophy: Thank is. Thank is. THANK IS!]

The next day, Sandy couldn't find her bike anywhere.

[Trophy: Gee, I wonder literally who of the 2 people we've been introduced would do such a thing.]

[Metal Snake: “The next day, ISIS invaded Bikini Bottom.” I’d care just as little as I do now if you wrote that instead. Not just because I’m not engaged with this story whatsoever, but also because of there being no foreshadowing or suspense whatsoever. When the tone of the plot shifts, you have to make sure the change of pace has been built up to or else you get a choppy mess like this.] 

She ran off to SpongeBoy's house. "Oh SpongeBoy, my bike, it GONE!" Sandy began crying. "We'll find it." SpongeBoy said, easing her pain.

[Metal Snake: I know I’m probably late on this, but wow. We are definitely back in the Resident Evil Tommy Wiseau show. Even in an ‘emotional’ scene, these characters CAN. NOT. EMOTE.]

[Teenj: "It GONE!" Sandy confirmed to be a toddler.]

[Trophy: What pain? I don't sense anything unless there's a surprise S&M subplot thrown at us.]

[Hayden: Why didn't Sandy run to her mother first?]

The next day, all the bikes in town were stolen.

[Teenj: I'm seriously wondering how the thief could have possibly accomplished this without being caught.]

[Hayden: Does this thief have a life?]

[Metal Snake: Holy shit, I did not read this before I wrote my earlier riff. The funny thing is though, this line actually does somewhat interest me because all the bikes in town being stolen is just too ironically enjoyable not to muse over. That is one dedicated bicycle thief, damn.]

[Trophy: Yeah, the day after Sandy's was gone. What was she, a test run?]

"Kids, my police men and women will find you bicycles" The Mayor said.

[Trophy: "FIND YOU BICYCLES", LEARN WHAT CONTRAPTIONS AND HOMONYMS ARE ALREADY!]

[Hayden: Maybe that means the police won't even bother looking into who did it and will just buy them all free bicycles using the town's tax money.]

[Metal Snake: At least this show supports gender equality.]

[Hayden: Only if the male bikes are pink and the girl bikes are blue.]

[Teenj:  ] 

"We can't wait around on the cops" Sandy said to SpongeBoy. "Your right" SpongeBoy replied. "Meow" Gary said.

[Trophy: OK, hold up. Why is SpongeBoy bringing Gary here? I'm pretty sure he can't smell out bikes, and it'd just be putting him into danger. SpongeBoy's an awful pet owner.]

Sandy and SpongeBoy went to Chuck's house. "You dorks think I stole it?" Chuck asked violently.

[Trophy: Well this is the setup for him hiding a completely different secret, and it turning out to have been Sally this entire time.]

[Metal Snake: “I’ll assault you dorks with my questions!”]

[Teenj: I'm wondering who 'violently' is. I don't remember that character. Although, this is the show where random characters appear out of thin air without prior introduction.]

[Hayden: Why did the dorks accuse him directly anyways? Bad detective work.]

"Well, you were the one most amazed by it." Sandy stated. "Ya know. I actually felt sorry for you until now" Chuck said slamming his door in they're faces. "Lets check his garage" SpongeBoy said.

[Trophy: Yes, like you're allowed access to investigate there without breaking some law known as "breaking and entering" while not having a search warrant.]

[Hayden: Don't feel sorry for them Chuck, they dig their own graves.]

[Metal Snake: What a great, honorable group of detectives these kids are. They belittle the police, accuse a guy of grand theft purely based on complimenting a bicycle, and then proceed to search his garage without any kind of consent. They deserve badges of gold.]

[Teenj: I cannot believe how much these guys suck at solving 'mysteries'.]

"MEOW" Gary yelled. Just then, a masked person rode away with a little girl's bike, leaving the little girl in tears.

[Metal Snake: And what a great master thief. Stealing in broad daylight for all, even their most recent victim, to witness. Glad to know that both our heroes and villains are equally incompetent.]

[Trophy: WAIT A BURGER FLIPPIN' SECOND! Earlier it was stated that all of the bikes in town were stolen, so this scene can't be possible!]

The person was heading to Sandy's house.

[Trophy: Oh dear Lord Baby Jesus, I actually called it. I'm so disappointed with myself that it didn't take me quicker to be quite honest.]

[Hayden: They always return to the scene of the crime.]

"I know who it is" Sandy said. Sandy, Gary and SpongeBoy chased the person into Sandy's treedom.

[Trophy: Alright, safe to know teenj seriously doesn't know how to spell "dome", or maybe any other word with a silent "e" in them, I can't blame him though. Fuck silent letters. They cost me my 4th grade spelling bee school championship round.]

They threw water balloons at the bike stealing criminal.

[Metal Snake: The water balloons they pulled out of their asses?]

Sandy said taking off the person's mask, "Mom". "How did you know it was me Sandy?" The mom asked.

[Trophy: ...

 Uh...at least he wasn't predictable????????]

[Metal Snake: “I only took a stolen bike back to your house!”]

[Hayden: Holy shit, I didn't think teenj would be goofy and ridiculous enough to make it a parental figure. Consider this the first and only time the story shocks me.]

"You were still mad I ruined your precious flowers, so as revenge you decided to take my bike and then take every bike in bikini bottom. I knew it was you as soon as I saw the thief going down our street to the treedom." Sandy explained.

[Metal Snake: First off, LAME. Second, nothing indicated Sandy’s mom was still mad. Sally would’ve made a better choice for the thief because at least some foreshadowing was given for a possible motive, her not getting to ride the bike. And to add insult to injury, Sally had no reason to be in the story. Not just in a mystery, but in any kind of story, all the characters should play a part or else, like I said before, you get a choppy mess.]

[Teenj: Dumbest reveal ever. I mean honestly, could the writing have made Sandy's mother look any less juvenile? You're telling me that a grown woman with two kids goes on a bike-stealing crusade because her elementary-aged daughter ran over some flowers?]

[Trophy: I think you're leaving out the part as to why she'd take every bike in Bikini Bottom instead of just punishing Sandy like a normal parent would. Or where she became such a dedicated florist with a mental disorder, to make her crazy enough into believing that this was fair justice by any means, or for all we know, dumb parenting thanks to DUMB OL' GOOD STUPID TEXAS! Not even mentioning how it wouldn't be obvious by her physical appearance as she's probably the only female her size with an air helmet (considering they live in a treedome I guess) without people noting, at least SpongeBoy since he's supposed to be a super genius or maybe the other kids in the school if they happened to see her, which is most likely considering what we just saw right there.]

[Hayden: So...uh....Sandy's just going to explain all that and we don't even hear a response from the mom or the mom trying to explain her actions?]

The cops took her away. "Sorry about your mom Sandy.." SpongeBoy condoned. "Its alright SpongeBoy. She'll be out of jail in about 2 months anyway." Sandy said.

[Metal Snake: “We’ll only be in foster care for about two months anyway.”

Since asking Past!teenj and Present!teenj yielded no results, I guess all that’s left for me to do is ask Future!teenj what the mystery in all this was.]

[Trophy: Two months for multiple accounts of theft? Sweet, I'll let Osama know he'll get off with 2 years max next time!]

[Teenj: I'm gonna tell you the same thing I did last time - I still don't know. Sandy, however, appears to be quite omniscient, knowing with absolute certainty that her mother will be out of jail in 'about two months'.]

[Hayden: So Sandy turns in her own mother? Cold. Didn't Sandy's mom buy the bike in the first place? WHY DIDN'T SANDY'S MOTHER JUST GROUND HER INSTEAD OF COMMITTING MULTIPLE CRIMES? I know I'm arguing against insanity, but why didn't Teenj at least have the mother say some dialogue regarding her choices? Oh well, hopefully Sandy's mother is in the slammer for the rest of this show, and who knows, maybe this version of Sandy will become even more of a jerk without any guidance.]

[Joe Biden]

Good riffs, but a little bit disappointed that there were no references to "Bicycle Race" by Queen.

[Metal Snake]

I'll also add that Sandy's mom should actually have been put in a mental asylum instead of jail.

"You ran over my flowers! I'M GOING TO STEAL THE BIKES OF EVERYONE IN TOWN!"

One of the symptoms of insanity is outlandish reactions to minor annoyances.

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBoy! Get a Clue

4. Mystery of The Town Ghost

Spoiler

Ep.4 "Mystery of The Town Ghost"

[Trophy:  ]

[Jjs: Not just any ghost...a town ghost! I'm loving the creative titles!]

Patrick walked in to class and saw everyone gathered around Harold Claude's desk.

[Metal Snake: Harold...Claude? Claude is another word for “idiot”, for the record.]

[Jjs: Who the hell? The way this description is written makes it sounds like we're already supposed to know who Harold Claude is.]

"Sandy, SpongeBoy, whats going on?" Patrick asked. Harold is a special effects maker. His father taught him" SpongeBoy explained.

[Trophy: Wait, isn't he in like 2nd grade and he's smart enough to make actual special effects? I thought SpongeBoy was the genius here! I mean it clearly isn't Sandy, despite what the last episode tried to get us to believe.]

[Metal Snake: His father taught him how to use Adobe After Effects?]

[Teenj: I think the way I envisioned this in my head back then was that he was using a projector..? Obviously I didn't put too much thought into it...which pretty much goes for this entire spin-off.]

Sandy invited everyone from her class to her house. "Harold, you can do the special effects in my sisters room" Sandy said.

[Trophy: Oh hey, Sally's still mentioned!]

[Metal Snake: Wh-wha-who talks like this or does this?! When I was seven or eight years old, the thought never crossed my mind to invite a bunch of kids I knew, as well as ones I didn’t know, to come to my house and watch a kid play with editing software...in my sister’s room no less. Another big problem with this show, no one talks or behaves even remotely realistically.]

[Teenj: I'm wondering what the hell was wrong with Sandy's room that they couldn't do the effects there. Was Sandy purposely trying to piss off her sister? Also, who is watching over Sandy and Sally if their mother is in jail? I guess this show also sucks at continuity.]

[Jjs: "You can do the special effects in my sisters room"??? Um...what? How? Does her room have a special effects maker? Is this a codeword for something potentially perverted, which was my initial thought?]

The kids watched the beautiful special effects

[Trophy: On what? It doesn't imply what level they're on at all, or how he's doing it. Does teenj even know how to use a projector screen?]

[Jjs: Were they watching the "beautiful" scenery of ATTWL 3?]

until Sandy's sister, Sally came in. "OUT. You bad kids." Sally screamed.

[Teenj: Cringey dialogue alert.]

[Metal Snake: “How dare you watch someone work on a Youtube video in my room!”]

[Trophy: I have no other descriptions for you, and you're automatically evil!]

[Jjs: Maybe Harold was doing something perverted after all. Also, lol at the way that sentence is said. "OUT!...You bad kids!" Did Sally turn into Christopher Walken?]

"Sandy, don't EVER have kids in my room again, OK?" Sally said. "OK.." Sandy said.

[Jjs:   ]

[Sally: And don't not give me your allowance from now on.]

[Sandy: OK...wait, huh, what am I agreeing to?]

[Metal Snake: Oh yeah, and of course, we’re just left to assume everyone just blindly obeyed what they were told.]

The next day, Patrick , SpongeBoy, and Sandy walked in the park and saw kids crying loudy.

"What happened here?" Patrick asked a police man. "Apparently, these kids saw a dang ghost" the police man said.

[Jjs: "Apparently"? So if this police man heard a murder report, would they say "Apparently, this person was murdered"? I'm no police officer, but I am 90% sure they would never use the term "apparently", because it makes them sound like a jackass...like now.]

[Trophy: FREAKIN' TRANSITIONS MAN! What's with these intros, like they're supposed to not give everything away, but they have to tie in a logical manner, and the way the past few episodes did so, they were half-assed at best. There's no development in the story structure.]

[Metal Snake: Not just any ghost, a DANG ghost.]

[Teenj:  ]

Sandy,Patrick,Gary, and SpongeBoy sat down at the local ice cream shop.

[Trophy: AGAIN, WHY THE FUCK IS GARY THERE? IT SHOULD BE DANGEROUS TO BRING A BABY SNAIL NEAR WHAT YOU BELIEVE TO BE A GHOST! HOW WOULD A SNAIL HELP AGAINST A GHOST, GENIUS 2ND GRADE SPONGEBOY?]

[Jjs: The local ice cream shop with no name that we were just introduced to in this sentence. Is this supposed to be their hangout spot for the rest of the series? If you want us to care about this new setting, you could start by giving it a name. But then again, when we rush teenj's thought process, he gives us names like "Harold Claude", "Ms. Applebottom", and "Flex", so maybe it's better he didn't name it right away.]

"We have to catch this ghost" Sandy said. "We need proof that the kids actually saw a ghost" Pat said.

[Metal Snake: “This ghost is obviously real!” “We need proof that the kids were not just hallucinating!”]

"Meow" Gary said agreeing.

[Jjs: Okay, I get Gary is a snail and all, but if he isn't going to contribute anything to the plot other than "Meow", I don't know if it is necessary to even give him dialogue from the start.]

"My big sis is at home researching the history of ghosts for us." Sandy said.

[Metal Snake: ...How would that help?! Not only is that far too broad, there is nothing historically documented about ghosts that says anything about “catching them”, this isn’t Ghostbusters!]

Just than the lights turned off

[Jjs: And the walls will ooze green slime!]

and the ghost flew through the ice cream shop. The kids ran all around and the ghost chased them out the shop and then disappeared.

[Trophy: And timing! They don't even have to go looking around for it, which while basic, at least would be understandable and passable. No, it just comes right to them, while they're busy hanging out in this guy's shop:

 ]

[Metal Snake: You know, nothing here says or implies that this ghost is evil. Sure it’s chasing them and they’re running, but for all we know, it could be the ghost of Old Man McMilkshake trying to offer them free ice cream. They are in an ice cream shop after all.] 

"That ghost..it looked like special effects." Patrick said. "Your right Pat. What if Harold is doing this?" SpongeBoy said.

[Jjs: "It looked like special effects"? Either it is or it isn't. You kids are terrible at this mystery solving thing.]

[Trophy: Was it the same kind of effects that Harold was using, and would he be able to broadcast it while on a daily stroll in the park without some kind of other technology? Oh wait, I just missed the latest addition to the apple watch, MovieMaker in 4D!]

[Metal Snake: And...there goes anything that could have made this plot interesting. Not just that, but it’s hilariously hackneyed how inexplicably adamant they were about this ghost being real up to this point, and now, they just go, “IT LOOKED LIKE SPECIAL EFFECTS, YOU’RE RIGHT PAT.”. Why did they never consider that a possibility when they’re friends with someone who knows how to fake this?!]

[Teenj: Well, Snake, I think it's foolish to expect much out of any of the characters on this show. I'm pretty sure they all have negative IQ's.]

he kids sat down with Harold in his living room. "I DIDN'T DO IT!" Harold shouted.

[Jjs: Didn't do what? As far as the description says, they haven't told you anything yet. They literally just sat down with you in your living room so far. Either this spin-off sucks at descriptions or you are quick to defend yourself for no reason, but I'll lean towards the first one.]

"Who else could have?" Patrick said.

[Jjs: I dunno, maybe it was Steve or Hobo from the Bus Station. Or it's one of us riffers, trying to give the episode an actual plot.]

"MEOW! MEOW! MEOW!" Gary screamed.

[Jjs: Can we get a snail translator up in here? Until someone in the riffing crew can speak fluent snail, this is coming off like fluff dialogue.]

The ghost chased the kids all around Harold's house.

[Jjs: Cue the Yakety Sax...actually no, this chase scene doesn't even deserve that.]

[Teenj: I've said it before, but this is another example of how these guys honestly suck at mystery solving. Their approach is picking the most obvious target, confronting them directly like idiots, then by sheer luck they end up discovering the crook, nothing that involves whatever 'mystery solving skills' they have.]

[Metal Snake: Uh...which kids? Spongebob and crew? Why would they be running from the ghost now that they know it isn’t real?]  

[Trophy: And the ghost comes out of nowhere as well, just for convenience's sake. I mean, we just cut straight to the middle of Harold's second sentence of screen-time and off-screen interrogation, now the ghost comes in and we don't know that until Gary screams, but it just says it outright chased them instead of making it say how it got there.]

"MEOW!" Gary was trying to tell SpongeBoy something.

[Jjs: I still can't speak snail, but screw it, I'm hoping he said this...]

[Gary: Listen up boy, I know who the perp is. Stop chasing that fake ghost like a bunch of dumbasses and follow me.]

SpongeBoy followed Gary. Gary lead the kids to a masked person outside the house holding a special effects machine.

[Trophy: Beautiful description, more descriptive than a blind tour guide giving an audio tour of the Lourve, that's for sure.]

[Jjs: Huh, what do you know. Gary did contribute more to the plot than "Meow", I'm somewhat impressed. That's probably the only time I'll be impressed this entire episode, by the way.]

SpongeBoy jumped on the person. He took off the persons mask.

[Metal Snake: I riffed this thrilling description. I took it apart blandly.]

[Jjs: Wow, this spin-off doesn't even have the charm of the classic Scooby-Doo traps. The mystery is just solved by jumping on someone. Lame.]

"Sally?"

[Trophy: Oh, THIS TIME it's Sally! Why do I bother....]

the kids said together. "Yes, its me. I wanted to teach the kids in this town a lesson for going in my room, so I used a special effects machine to create a ghost to scare you babies. To lead you off, I decided to search up the history of ghost for you kids." Sally said.

[Trophy: ....Huh?????? She does this yet she doesn't want to take the bike? Wh-wh-....also, when was it stated she knew anything about special effects?]

[Metal Snake: Ah yes, the cliche “It’s not the first one you suspect, it’s the only other suspect who makes sense!” culprit reveal. Digging the originality.]

[Teenj: So now Sandy's sister is the one behind the 'crimes'. I guess the bad apple doesn't fall far from the tree.]

[Jjs: ...Okay, here's another major problem I have with this spin-off, shown perfectly right above: The motivations of the culprits are awful. I know Scooby-Doo didn't have the best ones at times either, but for crying out loud! Trying to scare them just because they went into your room? Are you fucking kidding me? I know they are kids and all, but this isn't even amusing. It just feels like lazy writing. Also, believe me, there are many other "WTF?" and flat out stupid motivations coming up in the spin-off.]

"Your going to juvenile detention Missy." The cop said.

[Trophy: Too bad she won't be in Mommy's cell. Yeesh, does Sandy have any more criminals as relatives, Al Capone maybe.]

[Metal Snake: What, for a harmless prank? And where the hell did the cop come from at that? Yet another major problem with this show, everyone just seems to magically teleport to places for the plot’s convenience.]

[Teenj: I guess Sandy's got a big ole jailbird family.]

"Sorry for accusing you, Harold" Patrick said ."Its all right" Harold said.

[Teenj: Sandy's mother is in jail, her sister's in juvie, so now where does that leave Sandy? Does she have a second parent living with her? Why was that never brought up? Ughhh, I'm expecting too much from past!Me.]

[Metal Snake: “Sorry for this anticlimatic ending.” “It’s all right, I’ve riffed worse.”]

[Trophy: Wait! We don't know how long Sally will be in Juvenile Detention for!] 

[Jjs: Glad to see they patched things up so easily with Harold after blindly accusing him and chasing a ghost like lunatics throughout his house. Sandy really has a screwed up family, doesn't she folks? Anyways, I still can't speak snail, but I can tell you what I thought of this chapter in three words:

MEOW MEOW MEOW!]

 

Edited April 18, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Why am I not being told of this shit?

[Metal Snake]

Speaking of Scooby-Doo, I think Gary is supposed to be Scooby. Only he meows instead of providing actual dialogue.

[TJ]

31 minutes ago, King Sombra said:

Speaking of Scooby-Doo, I think Gary is supposed to be Scooby. Only he meows instead of providing actual dialogue.

And he's about a gazillion times less interesting, if that's possible.

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBoy! Get a Clue

5. Mystery of The Substitute Teacher

 

Ep.5 "Mystery of The Substitute Teacher"

[Renegade: It's a mystery of what a substitute teacher has to do with this piece of shit.]

SpongeBoy and Patrick walked into class to find they had a different teacher today. "Who's this chick?" SpongeBoy asked.

[Metal Snake: “Who’s this bitch-ass?”

Okay, I know kids talk like raging little bastards when their parents aren’t around, but Christ, what seven-year-old calls their teacher “chick”?] 

[Renegade: "You, SpongeBoy! She's the teacher!"]

[Fred: "Chick"? You mean "Big Fat Meanie"?]

[Trophy: Roger takes offense to that!]

[Hayden: It's the one you guys nearly killed in the canon.

  ]

"Hi class, I'm Mrs.Puff. Ms.Applebottom is sick today." Mrs.Puff said introducing herself.

[Trophy: Well that previous riff was extremely appropriate.]

[Renegade: Oh boy, she's gonna be in for hell when SpongeBob is all grown up...]

[Hayden: I wonder if Patrick made a drawing of a giant apple butt for their previous teacher.]

At recess, Patrick saw SpongeBoy sitting on a swing..thinking. "Hey SpongeBoy, watcha thinking about?" Patrick asked. "Mrs.Puff, the substitute, its too fishy..Ms.Applebottom absent? No way" SpongeBoy said.

[Trophy: Isn't SpongeBoy a GENIUS? He should know that substitutes are normal.]

[Fred: Okay fine, SpongeBoy. Just have Ms. Applebottom infect all of the students, that would be WAAAAAY better than having a substitute teacher.

Also, why would this be a mystery? Is she some sort of god immune to all diseases or illnesses?]

[Metal Snake: She called out sick? No way! It’s not like teachers do that or something.]

[Hayden: Our ace detective's gut has never been wrong. Except for in the last episode, and the one before that, etc.]

"SpongeBoy se's just here for today, don't worry about it." Patrick told him.

[Hayden: Since when is Patrick the sensible one?]

The next day, Mrs.Puff was there again. This only sparked SpongeBoy's suspicions more.

[Trophy: Why would you care? Don't you have anything else to focus on, like the pretty flower clouds or is that too complex for our next upcoming of the equivalent modern day Einstein?]

[Fred: Big deal. People can be sick for more than one day.]

[Hayden: People are only allowed one sick day Fred. ONE. Who would willingly miss two days of work in a row? IT'S BARNACLES.]

[Renegade: ...Because she was there for an extra day? Wooow...how suspicious.]

At lunch, SpongeBoy began rambling. "Her being here again makes no sense" he said. "Apparently, the principle was so impressed with her, that he made her our permanent teacher" Patrick claimed.

[Trophy: Alright. Now this does warrant a mystery. What did Mrs. Puff do so much better than Applebottom in one day that we didn't get any hint of at all?]

[The "Principle": I'm sorry Ms. Applebottom, but you're fired for being sick. Please collect your stuff and fuck off.]

[Fred: Also, Past!teenj needs to learn how to spell "principal" right or go back to grammar school.]

[Hayden: Patrick was talking about the principles that Mrs. Puff brought to the classroom. Applebottom gave them inferior moral lessons.]

[Metal Snake: So he just laid off Mrs. Applebottom for one sick day?! Jesus, I knew things in the work industry were getting bad, but this is taking it to another level.]

[Renegade: I think the lesson here is that the educational system is failing.]

"Pat, after school, me and you got a date.." SpongeBoy said.

[Trophy: Agghhh, I didn't know this was the M section of fanfic.net!!!! Not like I browse there or anything to know they have kinky 2nd grade version stories.]

[Fred: Suddenly, this turned into a Patbob fanfiction.]

[Metal Snake: TOO. EASY. Next.]

[Renegade: SHIPPERS REJOICE! Now if only we can do something about those two guys on Sesame Street.]

[Hayden:  ]

"SpongeBoy, why didn't you tell me we were spying on Mrs.Puff? I got all dressed up for our "date"." Patrick asked.

[Metal Snake: …

Fuck it, I’m riffing this, I don’t care.

“I wore my favorite pair of high heels thinking we were going to celebrate our anniversary at McDonalds!”]

[Renegade: I'M JUST A SWEET PINK STARFISH!]

[Hayden: Finally, a classic Patrick knee slapper.]

[Fred:  ]

[Trophy: Should I still be alerted to put a NSFW tag?]

"Shush up, Mrs.Puff might hear you!" SpongeBoy said. "Doesn't look like she's doing much besides sitting on her conch." Patrick noted.

[Trophy: Where are they hiding behind? Teenj, you're giving the audience too much work to do.]

[Magic Conch Shell: Ouch.]

[Metal Snake: I don’t know, I don’t think the Magic Conch Shell appreciates being sat on.]

[Hayden: .....Is Mrs. Puff perhaps using the conch as a toy?]

"I just know she's no good" SpongeBoy said.

[Trophy: With your genius, right?]

[Renegade: Because she isn't your regular teacher? Wow, how petty of you, SpongeBoy.]

[Hayden: What'd she do in class? Put on a movie? THE FIEND.]

[Fred: And what makes you think that, SpongeBrain? Is she wearing a ski mask when she isn't skiing? Does she have her victims' heads on a wall? Stop profiling.]

Someone broke into Mrs.Puff's house. "Oh no Pat! Call the cops!" SpongeBoy told Pat as he jumped through Mrs. Puff's window.

[Trophy: Wait, THEY FOLLOWED HER HOME? Also, why would you care to call the cops if you think she's no good?]

[Fred: Obviously Patrick broke into the house himself. If anything, that's a more credible explanation than anything else.]

[Metal Snake: And while you’re at it, call the PLOT HOLE POLICE! How did Patrick know to come to Mrs. Puff’s house if he didn’t know they were spying on Mrs. Puff? I understand if they met up and then they went to Mrs. Puff’s house after Spongebob told him, but the poor writing here makes it apparent that they’ve been outside her house the whole time. This is why descriptions are your friend.]

[Hayden: SpongeBoy gave Patrick the address, and Patrick just thought it was a house where they could spend some "alone time".]

"HELP!!!!!" Mrs. Puff screamed as the masked person choked her. SpongeBoy reached into the light/dark-ish blue backpack he always carried. He got out an icy cold Popsicle and through it at the masked person.

[Trophy: OK...this got dark. Light or dark, it's either, or maybe medium. Why does he have a cold popsicle, and where does that not melt inside of his bag throughout the school day?]

[Fred: Now what's cooler than being cool? ICE COLD!]

[Metal Snake: Okay, you do deserve credit for explaining where the character got the item they used to defeat the villain instead of just having them pull it out of their ass. However, I doubt that Popsicle would still be “icy cold” after being inside a backpack all day with no sort of cooler.]

[Hayden: Did the Popsicle go straight THROUGH the masked person like a bullet?]

The person fell off conscious

[Trophy: I fell off my 2nd grade word choice class.]

[Hayden: Ah yes, popsicles always knocks the criminal out COLD. *rimshot*]

as the cops busted in through the door.

[Metal Snake: How did they get there so quickly? Not just that, but Patrick just so happened to have a cell phone on him? I have a hard time believing his parents would trust him of all kids with a cell phone.]

[Trophy: Well Metal, he isn't an idiot in this story so far.]

[Renegade: ...Maybe it's like what happened in the first episode.]

They unmasked the person. "Ms.Applebottom!?!" SpongeBoy was surprised. "I wasn't going to let some fat hussy steal my class." Ms. Applebottom said.

[Trophy: ...OK, maybe it would've been nice to known that mental health issues are why she left, and not just because Mrs. Puff took her class.]

[Hayden: Fat....hussy.....steal your class........was Spongeboy's stupidity once again rewarded by a huge bend in logic?]

[Fred: Wait, this doesn't make sense. Did the principal fire you or did you just call in sick? Did the principal fire you because you were sick? Did you just say you were sick just to cover up that you were fired? None of this makes any sense at all. If anything, the principal should be fired.]

[Metal Snake: “After the man fucked me over, the only logical conclusion was to murder a pawn of the man!”

No, I’m serious. Why does she see Mrs. Puff as the villain here when it was the principal who wronged her?]

[Renegade: "Fat hussy?!"

 ]

"Ma'am, your going to jail now." Officer Mike said.

[Trophy: Mike Wazowski? Is that you? OK, but when did they get names? Were the name-tags just on backwards this entire time?]

[Hayden: Yes, that's what every cop sounds like. Another perfect imitation Teenj.]

The next day as SpongeBoy and Patrick walked to class, SpongeBoy said, "Ya know, I kinda like Mrs.Puff now."

[Hayden: ......Wouldn't you have been on Applebottom's side with the whole choking considering literally everything you said in this chapter? Hell, you believed Mrs. Puff stole the class from Applebottom, so why did you suddenly change your mind when Applebottom shouted that out as the case?]

[Metal Snake: “I kinda like how she didn’t try to kill somebody!”]

[Trophy: Except she did nothing for you and you should only hate Mrs. Applebottom for trying to murder someone in front of your own eyes.]

"That's good SpongeBoy, that's good.." Patrick said, ending the episode.

[Trophy: OK, SpongeBoy's ONLY character trait that we were told is that he was intelligent, yet I'm pretty sure even for a 2nd grader he's more oblivious than a protozoa's waste when it comes to life scenarios, and for a "mystery solver", that's the last thing you want on them, lest that be the ONLY thing they're given by the writers.]

[Metal Snake: “That’s underwhelming Patrick, that’s underwhelming.”

Sad to say, despite this episode having no mystery...I honestly think it’s the best episode so far. I’m not kidding, the first episode of this “mystery show” to have no mystery...is my favorite episode so far. Oh boy…]

[Fred: Believe it or not, this isn't the only episode to have no mystery. Just wait until the next one.]

[Hayden: Actually, this episode did have a mystery. The mystery of why the fuck it existed when Teenj could have just been using Mrs. Puff as their teacher from the start if he didn't want to write some characterization for Applebottom.]

 

Edited October 14, 2016 by Hungry Larry

[Metal Snake]

Damn, Hayden fills in plotholes like a god.