Metal Snake Posted April 14, 2016 Share Posted April 14, 2016 1 hour ago, jjsthekid said: Ginger had woken up. She had survived. It was a miracle to survive when shot/stabbed/wounded in The Graveyard. She staggered through Bikini Bottom, approaching a building. She entered and took the elevator to the third floor. She opened a door and entered. Hassan sat on the bed, entirely naked, except for a small cloth that covered his genitalia. “Hey babe,” he said. “Wanna come and get this?” She nodded eagerly and tore off her clothes. She removed the cloth and pounced on him. Yeah... On 4/6/2016 at 1:09 PM, jjsthekid said: Miraculously, Ginger wakes up out of the dream, unscathed. She later finds out she’s pregnant. Ginger suddenly becomes very spirtually engaged in the real world and sets back off in Bikini Bottom, trying to find her parents before she gives birth. That totally sounds like something a pregnant, spiritually engaged woman would do. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted April 20, 2016 Author Share Posted April 20, 2016 (edited) Down Under 18. Rubies Are Red This episode of Down Under is rated TV-14-L for stong language. This is suitable for users 14 and older. Thank you. [Clappy: Thanks for the heads up. I’ll keep my eye out for that stong language.] [Hayden: *padlocks riffing door to keep Trophy out* You heard him. This episode could leave a permanent mental scar on your underdeveloped brain. Best to make sure no one is liable for that.] [Trophy: *Busts through the door* Sorry, the power of the contract forces me to be here, and I don't even care about the money anymore, I've got enough pay. Also TV-14-L? I highly doubt that considering what happens later on.] (S1E18) Episode 18: Rubies Are Red [Clappy: And this spin-off is dead.] [Hayden: That's what she said.] (“Rise” by The Frames plays throughout the scene MUST LISTEN) [Trophy: *With earplugs in* What? Did I miss something?] [Hayden: Fuck you and your requirements.] It was silent. It was an eerie silence. [Trophy: *still with earbuds* Is there music or silence, I can't tell.] [Clappy: I can’t hear that eerie silence past that unfitting music.] Goo Lagoon and Bikini Bottom lay in a wreck. What happens when an enormous dome is dropped over a city? Well, for one, vibrations are incredibly strong. [Clappy: When a dome falls on top of a town, does it make a sound? Or more importantly, does anyone actually care?] [Hayden: This concept sounds like it would make for an underwhelming 3 season TV series.] SG10 poked her head out of a tent. She still held the gun 70s had given to her in her hands. She looked up and saw that sand covered them. It was all hovering over them, like a sandy veil. [Clappy: Oh, I get it. She's "Mandy." That's her name and it rhymes with Sandy; she's also covered in... yes…no…no. I don’t get this sand hovering in a dome.] “How is it staying up there like-” she started. A hand was suddenly thrust over her mouth. [Hayden: Thank goodness, the question police arrived in time.] [Trophy: Uhhhh this definitely makes it more than just TV14.] ---- (“Rise” by The Frames continues) Don’t lie. [Clappy: What?] Excuse me? [Clappy: …I don’t see any quotations. Is Dylan talking to himself? Where is this coming from? Has the batshit insanity finally gotten to him?] Wumbology opened his eyes. Sunlight hit his face like a rock. His eyelids fluttered before he sat up. [Clappy: Fluttered eh...no. Must…resist…Fluttershy reaction GIFs…Too....easy...] [Trophy: RESIST THE URGE CLAPS!] He looked around. It was hot. Very hot. It was very white, too. [Clappy: What is he trying to go for here? Wumbo is white hot?] [Hayden: Well, as long as no one is drenched in black. All that black clothing would absorb the sunlight instead of reflect it.] He stood up. [Wumbo: I can’t take any more of this bad writing. I quit.] “What the hell?” he said, a frightening dread overcoming him. White was all he saw. No ocean, no island, no Bikini Bottom. Just white. He jumped up and down. The white had a rough texture. He turned in circles and ran in one direction. He ran in another. There was nothing. Nothing at all... [Clappy: So he was feeling: ] [Hayden: Now Dylan's ripping off SB-129?] (“Rise” by The Frames ends) (theme plays) ----- A single column stood. Most of the small city was crushed. terminoob’s eyes fluttered open. [Clappy: Wow. You really want me to make the bad GIF joke, so you tempted me twice. Very well then. Good, now that I got that out of my system, USE A DIFFERENT WORD THAN FLUTTER! Because flutter makes me think that everyone is looking their finest to go to a fancy get together. Not awaken from a battle or whatever the fuck Dylan has these fish people doing anymore.] [Trophy: Dammit Claps.] His body ached all over, yet he somehow managed to find the energy to sit up. Once he did, he realized it was a terrible mistake. A sharp pain ran up his spine and he fell back over. “What the fuck?” he said. A bird flew overhead. [Bird: Watch your language!] [Hayden: ] [Trophy: Parli Italiano?] There was the sound of footsteps. terminoob turned to look, when another sharp pain shot up his neck. He shut his eyes in pain, breathing heavily. “Hello,” a smooth, metallic voice said. “Why are you on the floor?” [Clappy: Metallic voice, eh? Don't you mean robotic?] terminoob managed a shrug. “Hmm...what’s your name?” “Nick,” he wheezed. “...and terminoob.” [Clappy: I get it. Because Dylan knows his real name. Well done, you clever writer you. This is truly your finest stroke of pure genius. ] “terminoob...that’s a rather unique name,” he said. [Hayden: Yeah, his real name can't compare.] “It’s...my user...name...long story.” [Clappy: Funny you should say that, because terminoob once said on tv.com that he terminates noobs. I thought obvious username was obvious?] [Hayden: Did anyone ever make a lit about Termi legitimately offing noobs left and right? Because I now own the rights to that idea.] “Oh,” the man said. “I’m Hassan. I guess you could say my ‘username’ is the Mastermind.” The man chuckled. [Trophy: Did I miss something last ep because I don't feel like reading it.] terminoob went pale. “I’m sorry...what did you say?” [Clappy: I couldn’t hear your stupid coincidence over your maniacal chuckling.] “My name is Hassan. Pretty unique, eh? It’s a combination of Hayden, [Clappy: Hayden officially confirmed as Hassan.] [Hayden: I knew I'd shoot up in relevance eventually.] Aron, [Clappy: Who the fuck would name their kid after a Pokemon?] [Hayden: ] Sean, [Clappy: Sean. Big Sean.] and Nathan. [Clappy: Nathan JR. So that’s four people: Two SBC users, one rapper, and one Pokemon confirmed as one user who has been shoved down our throats in too many SBC writings for being so minimal in actual SBC history. Got it? Good.] [Trophy: Well Nathan and Hayden both are attention hogs, so it makes sense if you think about it, the Pokemon can be the part where he wants to fucking kill people or "make them faint", and Big Sean I have no clue.] My parents liked all four names, so mashed ‘em together and got the name. I love it,” Hassan said. [Trophy: ] [Hayden: How stoned were your parents when they told you this, Hassan?] [Clappy: I’m sorry, but I like my ridiculously overcomplicated backstory behind your existence over this uninspired one.] “Um...what time is it?” terminoob asked, edging ever so slightly away from Hassan. [Clappy: Not the first question I would ask after being paralyzed, but okay?] He glanced at his watch. “12:32 am.” [Clappy: Wow, it’s getting late. Dylan, time for you to go to bed. You can continue making your wacky nonsensical adventures with your SBC playset another day.] “No, as in month and year.” [Clappy: Then why didn’t you ask what DAY it is, you idiot?] “August of 1992,” Hassan nodded. [Trophy: ...So Hassan is his real name (legit first name but bs reasoning here) and his username is The Mastermind all the way back in 1992, yet he still just logs in as Hassan on his SpongeBob websites?] [Hayden: Motherfuckin-STICK TO A SINGLE TIME PERIOD ALREADY.] “Oh god...I’m in a fuckload of trouble,” terminoob mumbled. [Terminoob: I don’t exist yet. Thus my existence is futile.] [Trophy: So is mine! *tries to leave but can't escape because of the magic contract* SON OF A-] “Excuse me,” Hassan said, suddenly looking offended. “But we do not tolerate profanity.” Hassan kicked Hassan hard in the face. [Trophy: BITCH! THERE, COME AT ME, MY CANNON IS READY WHENEVER YOU STOP PLAYING WITH YOURSELF!] [Clappy: Hassan-ception.] [Hayden: Hassan must have found his face to be terribly inappropriate.] “GAHHHH!” he cried. [Clappy: Stop kicking yourself then, Hassan.] “Now,” he said. “I’ll take you to safety.” [Clappy: Safety? You nearly paralyzed a guy with massive amounts of electric bolts to the spine and neck and kicked yourself…I mean someone in the face hardly. Your idea of “safety” is probably repeatedly kicking a guy in the testicles with your background on safety.] ------------- [Clappy: If you think Hassan's definition of safety was bad, boy you guys are in for a real treat with this next paragraph...I'll go ahead and let it explain itself.] Spongebob dragged Santa Dog’s corpse down a dark alley, blood seeping out onto the floor. He picked up the body, flung it over his shoulder and then shoved it into a closet. His face suddenly started to change. His heart beat faster. A few seconds later, he was a completely different person. [Clappy: I’m confused, when did SpongeBob become a sadistic fuck? I’ve re-read the past few episodes multiple times and I still don’t get this character change except LOL I’M GOING TO MAKE SPONGEBOB EDGY TO MAKE MY SPIN-OFF EDGY. I'll go out on a limb and say that was exactly what's going on here.] [Trophy: Isn't he Doodlebob or somethi- Oh wait, he's Koh the Face Stealer!] He hummed as he walked down the school hallway, delighted about his current position. He was in control, even though the SBC, SBM, Percy’s Group, and The Admiral didn’t know it. Even The Graveyard didn’t know it yet! [Clappy: ] [Hayden: So SpongeBob is Down Under's chosen final boss battle after centuries of ignoring SpongeBob for OC's.] Spongebob entered the cafeteria and walked behind the food counter. Class would let out in five minutes and 7th and 8th graders would storm the enormous room, hungry and ravenous for food. It’d give him just enough time to seek Kyle. [Hayden: Did Spongebob visit South Park?] The sponge, currently a janitor, entered the back room. [Clappy: Huh?] [Hayden: Janitor? Makes me think of this. ] A blond haired man sat at a table, handcuffed to the chair. [Clappy: What?] Spongebob pulled up a chair that was sitting in the corner up to the table. [Clappy: ....that's the only thing that gets elaborated on? Why did you refer to him as "the sponge"? There's a man in this now handcuffed? Don't you mean fish? You better explain yourself Dylan because all of this confusion is more inexplicable than usual.] “Well hello there,” Spongebob said, his voice crisp and clear. “You’re a janitor,” Kyle said. He wore a muzzle, much like the one the famed and fictional Hannibal Lector wore. “What the hell are you doing here?” [Clappy: What the hell are any of us doing here? Why does Kyle have a muzzle? Is he the man or is he the sponge? As a matter of fact, who the hell was Kyle? Is this once again another new OC that we're being immediately thrown towards? Also, when did SpongeBob become a janitor? Is he the janitor? Because that's still unidentified at this point. Wasn't SpongeBob dead at one point? I'm still waiting for a valid explanation as to my previous question of when did SpongeBob become a sadistic fuck...you know, I give up. I've re-read these chapters so many times and I think it's about time I gave up on continuity logic because it's clearly made up on the fly 95% of the time. Can you blame me for forgetting at this rate because there is a good chance I've forgotten all those questions answered above.] The janitor chuckled. A few minutes later, the scarred and bruised Spongebob appeared once again. He had a horrific darkness to his eye. [Clappy: I...I...I can't. I'm done trying to care.] [Hayden: Which one of them is the fucking janitor? I thought SpongeBob posed as a janitor to get in there? Also, why is somebody handcuffed in a building where 7th and 8th graders supposedly are?] “Hey, bitch,” Spongebob rasped. “You motherfucking asshole,” Kyle said, trying to escape his bonds. “I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU!” [Trophy: Oooh, feisty!] [Clappy: ...well so much for trying to care. What the fuck did SpongeBob do to Kyle? Unless repeatedly shouting I'll Kill You is another Down Under term of endearment along the likes of calling others bitches, punching someone for no reason, jumping out a window, saying the word "fuck", needless sex scenes, and my personal favorite, holding a gun to your significant others.] “Now, now Mr. Kyle,” Spongebob said. He leaned forward, folding his hands. “I have a proposal for you.” [Clappy: Will you make me one happy sponge and marry me?] “GET THE FUCK OUT,” the man screeched. “OUT! OR I’LL RIP YOUR DAMN EYES OUT!” [Clappy: Ooohh, ripping your damn eyes out. Let me add that one to the terms of endearment list. Good one Kyle.] [Hayden: Hollow threat is hollow, Mr. Handcuffed.] “Hmm,” Spongebob said. “Charming.” [Clappy: Yes, quite delightful. It’s like I’m made out of some spongy material.] “Get....out....now....,” Kyle said, breathing heavily. “Not yet,” said Spongebob. “Not now. Not until I’ve explained my proposition.” [Clappy: I thought you had a proposal?] “Fine,” Kyle said, showing defeat. He hung his head. “What....is your preposition?” [Clappy: I thought he had a proposition? What does proper grammar have to do with anything? Except this spin-off has none.] [Hayden: Either Dylan is uneducated or Kyle is uneducated.] [Trophy: Or the amount of brain cells lost from riffing has finally caught up to us all and given us dyslexia.] ------ 70s poked his head out of the sand. A gentle breeze blew. There was an odd silence in the air. “Hello?” he said, looking around. Goo Lagoon still sat to the side of him. He stood up, scratching his cheek. [Clappy: I sure hope he means face.] He walked towards the beach; he loved the sand between his toes. As he ventured further out, into the lagoon, he heard it. What are you doing here? [Clappy: Yes, what are you doing here without quotations? Not this shit again.] 70s turned around, the waves still lapping at his shins. [Clappy: If he walked into the lagoon, shouldn't his shins already be under water?] Think about it Calvin...how did YOU get here? [Clappy: Do you want the logical answer or the SBC history lesson behind "Calvin"?] He was instantly flown back into the memory. [Trophy: I already skipped most of the janitor scene, but when I can't take this seriously, I have to skip.] [Clappy: OH NO....] 2 YEARS BEFORE [Clappy: STOP WITH THE FLASHBACKS! JUST STOP IT! I CAN’T TAKE THEM ANYMORE. AT LEAST MAKE SURE THIS ONE HAS A POINT.] [Trophy: Because Clappy's doing them anyways!] 70s drove down the rode, rain pattering in a seemingly planned pattern. He stopped at a brick building and got out. [Clappy: Okay, even if this was the case, 70s didn't have his license, let alone his learner's permit. Even his Calvin character had some license revoked story back then. Logic aside, who cares about the rain patterns? This spin-off is really starting to push my limits with the nonsensical padding of things no one cares about.] [Hayden: Let's just relax, listen to that imaginary rain, and appreciate how tvguy just spelt the word "road".] Once inside, he was greeted by a man with thinning gray hair. [Clappy: Old Man Jenkins?] “Ah, Calvin! Welcome, welcome!” the man said, putting an arm around him. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you in so long!” [Clappy: Uh oh, this is starting to sound like Calvin needs an adult before this man shows him his van full of candy.] 70s sighed. “Well, things have been tough...but I’ve managed.” “Oh, I see,” nodded the man. “Well, if you ever need help with anything, just know I’m always here.” [Clappy: ....wow, my last comment is really starting to sound more apparent here.] “Thanks, Phil,” nodded 70s. “So what brings ya here?” the man called Phil said. He led 70s into an elevator. He pressed the glowing “13.” [Clappy: You might as well call this man called Phil what he really is. Pointless OC 342235.] [Hayden: He led 70s into his van secretly disguised as an elevator.] “Well...I’ve been experimenting,” 70s said. [Clappy: Sad thing is that 70s discussed his "experiments" on the XAT often. I'd rather not relive them, thank you very much spin-off.] [Hayden: 70s and Ex experimented a lot back then.] Phil’s warmth suddenly went cold. “You what?” [Clappy: See? Even Pointless OC doesn't want to hear about 70s's sexual experiments.] [Hayden: I had no idea Phil was so un-accepting of bisexuals.] “With The Graveyard,” replied 70s. “I’ve done a few...adjustments.” “What kind of adjustments, Calvin? I thought I explained this to you! A few changes can kill people!” The elevator doors slid open and the two stepped out. Phil frantically led him to an office and ushered him in. [Trophy: Wait....a flashback, IS IMPORTANT? ] [Clappy: No matter how badly Dylan is trying to make this sound like a primetime major network procedural thriller, this is still a SpongeBob spin-off dammit. I know, obvious point is obvious, but you try reading sentences like that without thinking we are on a SpongeBob website.] “It’s now been enhanced,” 70s said, sitting down. “It’s now....it’s now 20x more powerful than it was.” [Trophy: Because that's safe.] “WHY would you do that?” Phil said. “Do you realize the kinds of side effects that will occur when people come out of The Graveyard?” [Clappy: They forgot to mention another side effect includes poorly elaborating your story.] [Trophy: Uh, no, that's why he did it?] “Yes,” he nodded, grimly. “But I think I may have a way to ware it off.” [Trophy: Or I'm completely wrong for plot's sake.] [Clappy: You mean by actually developing your characters and your plots? Because that's what needs to be done.] “Calvin, forgetting who the hell you are CAN’T ware off! If you go in, 20x more powerful, you’ll live in the damn Graveyard. No coming out. It’s like a fucking coma.” Phil was clearly angry at what 70s had done to The Graveyard. [Clappy: Really? I thought Pointless OC was happy with 70s. FUCK is a Down Under term of endearment.] [Hayden: So is 70s trying to be Frankenstein here or something?] “Listen, Phil,” 70s said, leaning in. “I’ve developed something new. Something extraordinary.” [Clappy: If it's you introducing us to Bikini Top....I'll take it. I'd rather reread that than more Down Under at this point.] “Fine, fine,” Phil sighed, leaning back in his chair. “What’d you design?” “I call it Modem,” he said. [Clappy: .....are you fucking kidding me?] Phil stared blankly. “Modem is...?” [Clappy: No. Pointless OC. You clearly can't be that fucking stupid to think that 70s invented modem....I can't believe this. How fucking stupid do you think we are? You might as well as go ahead and make 70s God while you are at it. Jjs has already been down this road before and while I think he touched upon all the points as to how big of an ego stroke 70s is getting from all the spotlight being handed down to him, he didn't invent something that has already existed for (at the time) thirty five years. I already read the next sentence saying that this is for The Graveyard, but I don't fucking care. This spin-off wants us to believe that we don't know what the hell a modem is and that 70s is an all powerful being. He's the chosen one. He's the Messiah. He invented Modem. Fuck you chapter. Just go fuck yourself. You can't possibly think your audience is that dumb.] [Trophy: Well Clappy, logic can be as if Modem wasn't invented before 2 years prior, at least in this.] “It’s The Graveyard as we currently know it, improved. It’ll make it COMPLETELY safe. We can mass market it. Just include Modem in the next version of The Graveyard!” [Clappy: ...a computer program that doesn't already have a modem? You know what...fuck it. I already am sick of this flashback, wake me up when it's over.] [Hayden: Uh oh, Clappy's going to be in a coma for some time.] Phil stroked his small little beard. “Calvin, I have something to tell you...The Graveyard is NOT some computer software...it is an ACTUAL world.” [Clappy: No it's not, Pointless OC. No it's not.] [Hayden: STOP TRYING TO SOUND COMPLICATED LIKE SOME MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER. I'll take more unsettling deaths by masked creeps because it's at least something familiar and recognizably plausible.] “What do you mean?” “Think of it like this...a car runs on fuel, correct?” Phil said. [Clappy: A car runs on more than just fuel, dumbass.] “Yes,” nodded 70s. “But what good is a car if you have no fuel and vice versa?” [Clappy: When you say vice versa, you are opening up to a lot of examples. Fuel runs more than just cars.] “Um....no use.” 70s was puzzled. [Trophy: RESISTING SONIC 06 REFERENCE!] “Exactly. The Graveyard Software is just a way of taking you to the real Graveyard. If you lack the software, then you can’t venture to The Graveyard,” said Phil. [Clappy: Well, that's a contradiction if I've ever heard one. You just pointed out that The Graveyard is an actual world. Fuck you Pointless OC.] “Um...I doubt there’s an actual place called The Graveyard...it’s just a visual simulator. It FEELS real...but it isn’t,” said 70s. “Except that it IS. Come here.” Phil led 70s into a back room where rows and rows of monitors lined the walls. [Clappy: But...wha...YOU JUST SAID IF YOU LACK THE SOFTWARE...AND THEN BEFORE THAT YOU SAID IT WAS REAL....MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!] “What are these filming?” asked 70s. “The Graveyard. Different sections of it,” he replied. “I can’t keep track of it all, so I just leave cameras everywhere.” [Clappy: You leave cameras everywhere? 70s get out. Pointless OC really is a pedophile.] “Um...what’s that?” 70s said, peering at one single monitor. Suddenly, a gunshot ripped through the air and 70s, for the first time, felt a bullet sailing through his flesh. [Trophy: ...] [Clappy: Oh hey, a gunshot. 70s. Someone clearly cares for you, you godlike person you. Seriously, fuck you flashback.] [Hayden: What? Did pointless OC Phil turn on him? Is that the way 70s is going to enter The Graveyard? I don't fucking care because whatever The Graveyard is, it hasn't really established a purpose for itself. Seriously, my brain cells are dying, go back to edginess if it gives us less scenes of mind boggling "scientific" exposition.] ---- ( “Suspsense” by LinkinParkGuy00 plays MUST LISTEN) [Trophy: And the first meaningful flashback is over....huh.] [Clappy: I can’t. Linkin Park doesn’t have a song called “Suspsense”.] [Hayden: This chapter hasn't given me any feeling of suspense that I can sense.] SG struggled against the hand that had been thrust over her mouth. [Clappy: Oh yeah...this happened. Not like I cared after being away from this subplot for more than half the episode.] [Trophy: Again, TV-14. This isn't close to as bad as the sex scenes, which are cringey, but still.] “Shh,” a familiar voice said. “Be very quiet when hunting wabbits!” [Clappy: CDCB? Is that you?] [Hayden: SG, I give permission to shoot.] The hand let go and SG slapped Webizoid behind her. [Trophy: Oh right, he existed.] [Clappy: Don’t know what I find harder to believe: SG slapping the shit out of somebody or Webby being Elmer Fudd.] “Dammit, Webby!” she said. “That scared the fuck outta me!” “My apologies, Ms. Science Girl,” Webby said, putting a puppy dog face on his face. [Clappy: Well, that’s clearly an understated reaction to someone who “thrust a fist over her mouth”.] [Hayden: Huh, anticlimactic end to a cliffhanger from up above. Yet "Suspsense" is playing in the background.] “Look outside,” SG said. Both peered outside of the tent, looking at the levitating veil of sand covering them. Suddenly, a shadow darted across a tent. [Clappy: Where's Trophy with the Shadow the Hedgehog riffs when you need him?] [Hayden: It's too bad Tvguy made this episode age restricted.] [Trophy: Oh please, I do more than that.] “Oh shit,” mumbled Webby. [Clappy: No wonder Webby's parents took him away from SBC. His foul language was clearly a bad influence on his behavior. ] [Hayden: Watch it Webby, or Hassan will kick himself in the face on your behalf.] “Come on,” gestured SG. She cocked her gun and jogged over to the tent where she’d seen it. [Clappy: You know, with how perverted Dylan likes to write his characters, it wouldn't surprise me if SG literally cocked her gun.] “1....2...3!” Webby muttered. SG burst through, furious. “GET OUT!” SG roared. “DOWN! DOWN!” [Clappy: SG now confirmed as a lion fish.] A fish turned around to reveal Bob Ball standing over a dead Goosebumpsfan. [Trophy: Has GBF even been in any episode since 7 with 4EverGreen?] [Clappy: Out of all the SBCers that are allegedly in this scenario, they went with an unnamed fish to recognize this?] “Um...hi,” Bob Ball said, holding a gun in his hand. [Hayden: Bob the Ballder.] “Oh my god,” Webby said. [Clappy: Webby is just distressed that he doesn’t have a gun too since nearly 99% of the SBCers own guns.] ---- As Wumbology bounced on the whiteness, [Clappy: Eww.] a large crack appeared in the middle. [Clappy: Ewwww.] He continued to jump; the white fell through like a box. [Clappy: Ewwwww.] Wumbo was suddenly free-falling. He landed on top of that70sguy92. [Clappy: That’s also a sexual innuendo.] [Trophy: Okay, I wasn't informed about gay sex scenes either. Or orgies depending on how this plays out.] ---- As terminoob followed Hassan, he tried to fight the urge to go and run. Keep your cool... [Clappy: I would follow those urges, terminoob. This guy tried to paralyze you to make you safe.] “Why are you here, terminoob?” Hassan said. His voice was eerie, cold as steel, and murderous. [Clappy: Once again, MURDEROUS. It's right there in the description....wait...how can your voice be...never mind. I give up.] “Um...” “WHY ARE YOU HERE?” Hassan roared, turning around. “YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” [Clappy: Because you said "follow me". No need to turn into a raging douche.] [Hayden: *grabs Lucille and bludgeons Hassan to death* NOW RUN FAR AWAY, TERMINOOB.] “What the hell is your problem?” terminoob said. Hassan pulled out a knife, [Clappy: Biggest twist of the episode. A knife instead of a gun.] and walked towards terminoob. Suddenly, there was a bright light and he was hurling towards the ground. He landed on two others. [Clappy: Wait...what?] [Trophy: Ooooh, three-way.] “Oh my god,” he muttered. “Shit, terminoob, get the fuck off me,” said an annoyed 70s. “Second person to land on me.” [Clappy: ...do I need to repost that last part again?] [Trophy: Please do so.] [Clappy: "Hassan pulled out a knife and walked towards terminoob. Suddenly, there was a bright light and he was hurling towards the ground. He landed on two others." CLARITY DYLAN. THAT'S ALL I ASK FOR AND THIS SPIN-OFF HAS NEVER HAD IT. WITH THE WAY THIS SENTENCE IS WORDED, HASSAN IS THE ONE THAT WAS BEING HURLED TOWARDS THE GROUND.] [Trophy: And that you can fall through light that comes out of nowhere, until you hit the ground which wasn't there before.] “Oh my god,” repeated terminoob. “I just saw Hassan.” [Clappy: Well you should have. Because Hassan should be the one in this scenario with the way the author worded this. Not you.] “What?” 70s said, suddenly listening. “What do you mean?” [Clappy: See, even the one almighty 70s was thrown off by one small typo that sets up the rest of this subplot.] “What was I not clear about? I SAW HIM,” terminoob said. “When that wave from Goo Lagoon hit, I was like....transportedsomewhere else....” [Clappy: transportedsomewhere for new addition to Merriam Webster’s Dictionary. Definition: Undefined.] Wumbo suddenly got up. He started walking in the opposite direction of Goo Lagoon. [Clappy: So he walked into the lagoon?] “Wumbo?” 70s asked. “Where’re you going?” [Clappy: "Where're" isn't a conjugation, dumbass.] “Come with me...,” he said. He led them almost a mile from the beach when they came to a metallic looking building. [Clappy: Okay, in what universe is there a metallic looking office building that close to the beach?] “Um...how did you know this was here?” terminoob asked. [Clappy: Nope. You aren't even suppose to be here. I refuse to acknowledge your existence.] “I didn’t,” Wumbo said. [Clappy: Then why the hell did you tell them to come with you?] [Hayden: *skims over all of that and starts to wish the age warning had been anyone under 20*] [Trophy: Okay, so new floors through lights and metallic buildings? I know what Wumbo does next, but still.] ----- (“I Need A Doctor” by Eminem plays) [Hayden: hilaryfan80?] [Trophy: So do we all.] He led them into the building. “What is this?” 70s asked. [Clappy: A building. Didn’t you read the sentence above?] “I don’t know,” Wumbo said. He led them up a ramp and into a hallway. [Clappy: I can see where SOF got his poorly elaborated settings from for ATTWL 3. A building? A ramp? A hallway? Down Under. Poorly establishing your surroundings since 2010.] Suddenly, a loud buzz sounded. “What the fuck?” terminoob said. Suddenly, all the doors around them started to shut. Another alarm sounded. “RUN! THE END!” Wumbology pointed towards the end of the hallway where one door remained open. [Clappy: RUN! THE END! Who the hell says that? This isn't normal Canadian grammar.] The three sprinted towards it, when Wumbo noticed someone at the end of the hallway. [Clappy: About time Someone made her return to SBC lits. Everyone's favorite character.] terminoob and 70s ran through and were now outside. “WUMBOLOGY!” The two shouted toward Wumbology; he wasn’t paying attention. “ERIC!” 70s said. Wumbo turned, at the sound of his real name. [Clappy: Oh blow me spin-off. I've already acknowledged the stupidity of throwing in everyone's real names for personal "genius". This isn't clever. It's ego stroking.] “Go,” he said. “What?” both said in unison. The door then shut and Wumbology turned his attention back to the man at the end of the hallway, Redman. [Clappy: Ah yes, the return of SOF's favorite one note character Redman. I finally get to riff on this stupid OC. Can't wait.] “You killed me wife and daughter,” he said. [Clappy: It’s already International Talk Like a Pirate Day? Don’t get started without me matey!] [Trophy: *Puts on peg leg and eyepatch* LET'S SAIL THE SEVEN SEAS!] “Yes,” nodded Redman. “What about it?” [Wumbo: I just felt like repeating plot points because I think the audience is stupid.] “I’ve held up my side of the bargain,” Wumbo said, looking ashamed. “They’re outside.” All at once, the doors opened. The alarms stopped. Redman walked past Wumbo and outside. [Clappy: Wait a minute, what the actual fuck!? And here I thought Dylan couldn't possibly throw in anything more of a slap to my face then making 70s the god of modem. Where the hell did this plot twist come from? At least build up some sort of hints that this was going to happen. Because now it makes Wumbo out to be an asshole since he is going to betray everyone from the forums to the man that killed his wife and daughter. Which I still have a problem believing that Canada’s legal system will allow a, at the time, fifteen year-old man to get married and have a child. But I’m willing to forgive that oversight for turning Wumbo into a traitor for no reason at all. This isn't in your face levels of bad like making Ex out to be an unlikeable rapist, but this is pretty damn terrible character sabotaging. I don't even care if he turns Wumbo to be a good guy later on because this is insufferable.] “Good, Eric,” he nodded. “Now I’ll hold up my end of the bargain.” With that, he socked Wumbology in the nose. [Trophy: So Redman just needed to get rid of witnesses and tricked Wumbo into doing it himself?] [Clappy: So his end of the deal was socking Wumbo in the nose? Well gee, “Eric”. You suck at bargaining.] [Hayden: REST IN PEACE WUMBO'S NOSE....AND SPINE.] ----- Jelly trudged through nowhere...only one rock remained in site. One lousy cave...wow, she thought. [Clappy: Hey, we put you in this cave from the bottom of our poorly established hearts.] [Hayden: Oh boy, a character we haven't seen all chapter. I'm sure they'll do something ground shaking.] Suddenly, she saw a blue fish inside the cave. Her hopes skyrocketed. Clappy?!!? [Trophy: Because he's the only blue fish around? Hell, I forgot they were fish, let alone with superpo- WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE DEVELOPING POWERS? IS HASSAN THE ONLY ONE WITH THEM ANYMORE, I MEAN WE HAVEN'T SEEN THIS RELATIONSHIP IN FOREVER BUT THIS LOVE PLOT IS OBVIOUSLY WORTH REMEMBERING OVER SOMETHING LIKE THAT, WHICH COULD HELP THEM DEFEAT THE MASTERMIND AUGHHHHHH!] [Clappy: These fishes are color coded now?] She ran towards Clappy, happy. [Clappy: Sappy.] [Hayden: I need to take a fucking nappy.] “Jelly,” he said, surprised. “What’re you doing here?” [Clappy: Yeah Jelly. I don’t see you normally hanging out in caves. That’s my obscurely random past time.] “I...uh...feel terrible for treating you the way I did,” she said. “You were one hundred percent right....you should be able to make your own decisions without me intervening. I’m sorry.” “Oh...that’s okay,” he said, smiling. “Now...um...about out relationship--” [Clappy: I know Jelly’s English isn’t that good, but she at least knows subtlety better than how it's displayed here.] [Trophy: Already ranted above.] “Oh, Jelly...about that kiss...I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that...it was just a friendly little kiss. We’d just arrived and I was stressed,” he said. [Clappy: I thought these two kissed because of some airplane incident or what not? Is Down Under already forgetting its own origins?] [Trophy: Stress relief = mouth to mouth with a girl you just randomly happened to be with in a random place?] “Oh...but do you want to---” “I’m...I’m in a relationship,” he said. “I hope that doesn’t make our friendship awkward.” [Trophy: And also while you currently have a girlfri- wait, what? This is why I didn't want this plot to return....] [Clappy: Forget friendship. I hope that it doesn’t make your relationship awkward that you kissed another girl. Jackass.] “Who?” [Clappy: Once again, subtle.] “Well....Christina,” he said. “Who is Christina?” she asked. [Clappy: Okay, even if she's playing dumb for suspense, CF used to make her name obvious all the time. Jelly can't be that oblivious to it. Especially since everyone else is throwing out user's real names like a good ole past time like Nick and Eric here.] [Trophy: AND I'M ] “CF...we...er....kinda were friends in New York,” he said, looking slightly embarrassed. “So what were you going to ask?” [Trophy: Kinda were friends? Has he seen what she is now anyways, with the sea leopard or whatever?] [Clappy: Okay, time the fuck out. CF never lived in New York. What kind of ass pull is this?] “Oh, um, yeah! I wanted to ask...do you want to go back to Goo Lagoon?” she asked. [Trophy: Yeah! Beaches, romance, totally not going to try and steal Clappy before CF returns to normal, or I don't even know anymore, I'm starting to go as off track as Dylan does.] [Clappy: No, I think you wanted to ask why you decided to be in a relationship with a sea cat than a fish person or whatever the fuck they are now.] “Maybe,” he said. “I kinda like it here.” [Clappy: Yeah, I like being in the middle of unnecessary drama.] Inside, Jelly was heartbroken. [Clappy: I think the more appropriate emotion would be frustrated. Once again, another swing and a miss in terms of trying to convey sadness and drama gone horribly…horribly wrong. Exactly what kind of ass pull is this relationship between Clappy and CF? Did they spend any sort of time together that hinted at something more? They probably didn’t. Because that would require subtlety. Which this spin-off doesn’t have. Out of all the chapters I have riffed, this was the most open case of not only lacking subtlety, but lacking proofreading I’ve had to sit through. I don’t know how to word this, but this spin-off has become loud and obnoxious. Like the words just fly at you with roars and forced drama. But when you actually look closely at the words in this chapter, you see that these words don't even matter anymore. So why should I care while riffing this if Dylan didn't care to take just a few minutes of his time to actually reread this before posting. Down Under. A spin-off that keeps finding more and more sharks to jump. I'm just waiting for an actual shark to appear now for the penultimate shark jump.] [Hayden: I probably say this every episode but....hot damn I've never been more apathetic. SpongeBob's forced scene, Redman returning and somehow manipulating Wumbo, the end being a completely unconnected love triangle. I've had it up to here, I've seen better fanfiction in Facebook comments. At least you can see people like Zaid probably took 5 minutes to plan out their chapters, but tvguy is actually trying to make a serious work and he can't keep ONE THING STRAIGHT. I apparently have quite a few episodes in a row I have to riff soon. I did Trophy such a solid that he should take my place in all of them.] [Trophy: Uhhhh, well, ROMANCE! The best way to stir up drama and come up with stuff out of nowhere, love plots, yeah, isn't that what all the bestselling authors do, the ones who get awards and stuff? Romance stuff out of nowhere in the midst of logic defying action that isn't really action, because it's a bunch of nonsense with an obvious lack of outline and proper planning throughout? YES! THE DYLAN GUIDE TO WRITING! BUY IT IN STORES NOW!] Edited April 16, 2017 by jjsthekid 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted April 20, 2016 Share Posted April 20, 2016 I GUESS DYLAN WASN'T SHY ABOUT USING THE WORD, "FLUTTER", HUH HUH He also wasn't shy about using the word, "murderous", either. I feel that word accurately describes Clappy's riffs because he absolutely killed this. Hayden and Trophy had good riffs too, but damn. I have to see him react to the show's "ultimate plot twist" at the end of episode 21. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clappy Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 Down Under. The perfect example of what life would be like in a world without gun control. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel Sponge Posted April 21, 2016 Share Posted April 21, 2016 (edited) 51 minutes ago, Clappy said: Down Under. The perfect example of what life would be like in a world without gun control. Or.... Down Under in a nutshell: These things are happening and these OCs are existing all at once when all of SBC turned into fish. Edited April 21, 2016 by Steel Sponge 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted April 28, 2016 Author Share Posted April 28, 2016 (edited) Down Under 19. Maneater I've decided this very amazing episode earlier than expected... Enjoy! [Jjs: Wow, that never goes wrong, am I right? I bet tvguy totally took the time to make sure it is perfect and free of plot holes for this chapter.] [Fred: Oh, Deer Lorde. From what I heard, this episode is pretty damn terrible and looks like I'm about to find out. You know what, tvguy? Hit me with your best shot. Fire away.] (S1E19) Episode 19: Maneater [Jjs: ] [Fred: Accurate because this episode will chew me up.] The following episode of Down Under is rated TV-MA-S-L-V for mature audiences. This episode features extreme sexual situations, extreme use of profanity, and very destructive and gory violence. This is not meant for viewers under the age of 15-17. Thank you. [Jjs: ...uh, you're welcome? I know I shouldn't be really riffing this, but even this disclaimer has confusion in it. You can't say "it's not meant for viewers under the age of 15-17", because...which age is it not for people under? Below 17? Below 16? Below 15? You gave us three ages, not one, and as you may have noticed, clear explanations is something this spin-off direly lacks. God, you know this chapter is going to fucking suck when it can't even do the disclaimer right...] [Fred: Oh crap, I'm 17.] 2 Years Before [Jjs: AND just to start off this chapter, we have YET ANOTHER GODDAMN flashback. I swear, I think even Doctor Who wouldn't be able to keep up with all the fucking time jumps in this spin-off!] [Fred: You think THAT'S BAD, Lois?! Remembah the time we met that moiderer 2 years ago?] A row of lights glittered on a beautiful marble floor. [Jjs: I've gotta embrace the marble! I've gotta sniff the marble! I've gotta lick the marble! I've gotta be the marble!] The click, clack of shoes sounded. A man in a blood red suit walked down the hallway. [Jjs: So... Redman? Unless this is another man in a blood red suit I don't know of, there's so many OCs to keep up with I may have missed yet another introduction of one!] [Fred: Santa?] He opened an oak door and stepped through. There was the cock of a gun and the man’s head jerked up. “Give me it,” another man said. He had wet, brown hair. His face was littered with scars and bruises. [Jjs: Is this Redman's brother Scarface?] [Fred: Nah, that's Freddy Krueger.] He had nasty red lashes on both of his arms. He was drenched, his clothes hanging on him. [Jjs: "His clothes hanging on him"? Is this implying he's naked? With all the "fanservice" tvguy put in this, I can believe it.] “GIVE IT TO ME!” the man demanded. “Alright, let’s be rational here,” the man in red said. [Jjs: Yes, the sick, twisted, and cold-blooded murderer who slaughtered Wumbo's family wants to be "rational". Also, why are you still calling him "man in red"? You really don't have much faith in the audience's intelligence, do you? But I guess I can't blame tvguy, his solution to the problem of having to remember so many OCs is to... give a vague scene about an OC, acting as if we don't know them, when we've already been introduced to them. Huh.] “FUCK NO,” the man said. “Give it to me or I’ll blow your fucking brains out.” [Jjs: So, who is the actual villain here? Redman or Scarface?] “Kyle...please, think about this,” said the man in red. [Cartman: SHUT UP KYLE! SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH!] “You want to know why they call you Redman?” the deranged adult said, his eyes twitching. “It’s because you’re a bloody killer!” [M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!] [Fred: I'm probably the first to think this, but isn't "Redman" like a racial slur to Native Americans or something? Definitely need to chalk down some points for that.] “Kyle, please,” Redman said, sternly. [Jjs: If saying please didn't work the first time above, I doubt it will work this time even if you say it "sternly". Add sprinkles on top and maybe you'll get results, if Kyle is into that kind of thing.] [Fred: Redman said, Howard Sternly.] “Put your weapon down or I’ll use mine on you.” He placed his hand on his left hip. “No,” he said, shaking his wet head. “It’s not that easy.” [Jjs: Neither is riffing this without being confused.] A shot went off. Redman slid to the side, pulling his gun out. He fired one shot at Kyle and he was hit square in the chest. He crippled to the ground. [Jjs: I'm not sure if "crippled" is the word I'd use there.] “See,” breathed Redman walking up. “I warned you. Now....you are going to die a slow...painful death.” With that, he drove a knife into his hollow cheek, and then into his chest. [Jjs: Wait, but what about the Kyle we saw in the previous chapter, how could be in the school if he was just killed...never mind, don't think, just write whatever, which was tvguy's mantra throughout this.] ----- “Wait, are you sure?” tvguy said. [Jjs: Yes, I'm pretty sure my previous riff was your mantra throughout writing this, unless you also forgot everything in this. But seriously, I don't even know what the hell he's replying to here, because tvguy and 70s didn't have a conversation in the previous chapter. Jeez, you can't even keep consistency between the two SBCers who get the most focus in this story.] “Yes!” 70s said. [Jjs: See, even 70s is on my board with my theory about tvguy's mantra.] “tvguy, I apologized. She...she just appeared. I got scared, angry, and a little insane. But now we need to solve the goddamn problem at hand!” [Jjs: Wow, apparently 70s also went to Tommy Wiseau's School of Not Giving a Shit at Showing Emotion. This is probably the most Wiseau-est thing a character has said in the story so far. 70s must have been at the top of the class.] [70s: I got scared, angry, and a little insane and I do not care no more.] “Fine, fine,” he nodded. tvguy leaned in towards Jelly. “Jelly, where’d you see them go?” [Jjs: Who is them?] “Underground,” she sniffed. [Jjs: Adventures in the Underground City...a spin-off I'd rather be reading right now instead of this. ] 70s, tvguy, Deli, Ex, Wumbo, and Girlygirl raced down the hallway, guns ready. A single metal door stood at the end. [Jjs: Wow. One door. Apparently the mansion from ATTWL 3 took notes from Down Under by having just one door in a hallway to make a confusing setting.] “Hello, is anyone in there?” Ex called, racking his knuckles on the door. [Door: No, come back when you're a more interesting character.] [Fred: ] “If anyone is there and you have firearms, please lower them,” a voice said. [Jjs: Asking for someone to lower their firearms in Down Under? You're asking for miracles here, mysterious voice.] “Clappy?” Wumbo said. “Is that you?” [Jjs: Are you telling me that after all this time being stuck in the SpongeBob world, you can't recognize your friend's voices?] “Please,” he said. “Lower your weapons.” The door opened and he stepped through. Bob Ball stood behind him, gun taped to Clappy’s neck, his hand taped to the weapon. [Jjs: ...Wut? His gun is taped to Clappys neck...and his hand is taped to it too? What the actual fuck?] “Make a path or he dies,” Bob Ball said. [Jjs: This is pretty awkward in hindsight knowing Bob and Clappy are relatives...] 24 Hours Earlier [Jjs: Okay, rant time. I am so goddamn sick, SO GODDAMN SICK of this format. Having a dramatic scene as an opening to be elaborated on later can work. Unfortunately, it doesn't work when this spin-off DOES IT EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER. It loses the "suspense" when you do it in every chapter and just comes off more of a frustration. Just give us the exposition to start with, at least maybe we'd be able to follow some of the story.] [Fred: 2000 years earlier than the year 4000, this happened.] (“Another Day” by Paul McCartney plays) [Jjs: Another Day of riffing the confusing and tedious headache that is Down Under.] Apparently, three weeks had passed. [Jjs: ..."Apparently"? Apparently??? Not even the author knows for sure how much time has passed? Wow, just wow. I can't...even get mad at that. Haha, I'm just going to let that sink in for the audience.] [Fred: Three weeks had passed and Fred is getting confused at the times these moments take place.] Wumbology’s eyes fluttered open. [Jjs: Seriously, Clappy said it best, use a different word other than flutter. We have only so many Fluttershy gifs to burn through.] [Fred: Shot open? Nah, that one doesn't make sense. Gently open? Sure, why not? But, flutter open?!] “Oh, thank god,” CF muttered. [Jjs: No, not thank god, CF. My tedious scene senses are tingling.] “What the hell happened?” Wumbo screamed, sitting up. [Jjs: ...You were sleeping? ] “Wumbology, sit back down,” 70s said, pushing him back down. [Jjs: 70s isn't finished yet... *insert sexy music*] [Fred: ] “70s, what the fuck is going on. What happened?” He looked around the camp and noticed familiar faces from Spongebob Squarepants...the characters he’d loved so. [Jjs: You sure? Because the whole SpongeBob element in this spin-off seems like an afterthought, but hey, let's try to force it in there anyways.] “You’ve been out for 21 days...but you still had a pulse. There was no way we were going to leave you in that weird building. [Jjs: Really? You sure had no problem forgetting to rescue him from the hospital back in chapter 16. Dickhead.] We waited an hour in there until the doors slid back up. We found you unconscious,” said 70s. “And for the past three weeks...it’s been surprisingly calm and silent. Nothing weird. Jelly and Clappy came back. We’re all regrouped. Well...except...” [Jjs: "All regrouped"? Yeah, uh, I'm not exactly sure what your definition of "all regrouped" is, because 1.) We've had several deaths from people like 4EverGreen and Goosebumpsfan, and 2.) These people still seem lost in their various subplot worlds.] “What?” “SG and Webizoid found Bob Ball standing over Goosebumps with a gun...and Goosebumps was dead. [Jjs: Oh well, not like anyone cared up until now, or even does considering this is just being brought up for exposition. Hell, even SBCPU and ATTWL at least acknowledged people died and showed more emotion than these people!] [Fred: Well, at least Bob did Goosebumps a favor. Now he doesn't have to be in the rest of this spin-off.] We examined the body. Same kind of bullet and gun killed him that Bob was holding,” 70s said. He looked up, clearly disturbed and disorientated. [Jjs: OSCAR PERFORMANCE.] “Anyway, he ran off. But after that, we’ve been working hard and thriving.” “The sand was also floating,” SG said, walking up. “It suddenly fell back down onto us a few days ago. I don’t know what the hell was up with that though.” [Jjs: And I don't think we'll ever know, much like many various unexplained plot elements in this spin-off.] “We were also surprised with the return of Girlygirl...she brought two guards, Joe and Sam. [Jjs: Wow, have to applaud the creative names. You could've also named them Bob and John and it wouldn't have made a difference.] [Fred: What happened to guards Bob, John, Bill, and Edward?] Three others also showed up. Zoey, Jacob, and a teacher named Greg. [Jjs: No no, let's call them by their proper names: Pointless OC #1, Pointless OC #2, and Greg: Undercover Riffer.] They said they were from Rock Bottom New Kelp City. [Jjs: Uh... did you forget to separate their names? Rock Bottom and New Kelp City are not the same place. Is one from Rock Bottom and the other two from New Kelp City? Are two from Rock Bottom and one from New Kelp City? Is there literally a place now called "Rock Bottom New Kelp City"??? Seriously, if you're going to include SpongeBob elements in this, at least do your damn research, because you end up botching it like this. You can't even call this fanservice, because as you may have noticed, Down Under is a little confused if it wants to be a full-fledged SpongeBob spin-off or not. Fanservice without any meaning behind it does nothing in the grand scheme of things, especially when you accidentally fuse two location names into one.] [Fred: Punctuation.txt not found.] They’ll explain their story, but I’ll tell ya that they’re freaking dad was The Admiral,” said Deli. [Fred: Admiral Akbar?] “I missed a lot,” Wumbology groaned. [Jjs: Is Wumbo undercover riffing this chapter too? Because that's an accurate quote of anybody's reaction to this if they miss one chapter.] “That just about caught you up,” 70s said. “Nothing else really happened.” [Jjs: Except for confusing character backstories, more pointless OC stuff, Wumbo apparently having a family, Wumbo having his family killed by a killer named Redman, Wumbo apparently turning on his friends with Redman, a dome dropping over the city, Hassan becoming evil, and 70s inventing the Modem, but yeah, none of that is really important knowing this spin-off's track record.] “I see,” he nodded. “Can I please get up? I didn’t see until now that my limbs are aching with energy.” [Jjs: Who the hell talks like this?] “Sure,” 70s said. Instantly, Wumbo jumped to his knees. He felt on top of the world. [Jjs: Nice try, but nobody is ever "on top of the world" in Down Under. I'm sure Wumbo is going to have more horrid shit happen to him, especially considering how he betrayed his friends last episode because...who knows why, it's Down Under. The spin-off of throwing whatever at the wall, whether if it even makes sense or not. Anyways, continue.] (theme plays) [Jjs: The theme just plays now? That is one of the longest intros I've ever seen!] [Fred: Remember, tvguy always makes intros long to build up the tension to a bad chapter.] (“Build Me Up Buttercup” by The Foundation plays) Flashback [Jjs: *bangs head on chair* EVERY SINGLE TIME. I want to keep a flashback counter now in this chapter. We're at 3 now, let's see how far you can go. Throw as many flashbacks at us, do it. I dare you.] [Fred: Christ, this episode has more flashbacks than the average Family Guy episode.] “Come on, Clappy,” Jelly said. “You have to come back to camp.” “Why?” he asked. “What’s the point?” [Jjs: So are we going to get an Emo Clappy now? Hey, at least it'd be some form of an arc for a character in this.] “Well...,” Jelly gulped. “CF.” Clappy didn’t look at Jelly. “Her name is Christina. Not CF.” “Seriously, Robert?” Jelly said. [Jjs: Yes, Clappy's name is Robert. That's a thing. Calling SBC users by their real names is just so clever.] [Cameron: You said it.] “Stop fucking messing around. Let’s go.” And that had been how Jelly had gotten Clapmaster to get back to camp. [Jjs: By... telling him to grow some balls and calling him by his real name? Okay then.] She now leaned against a tent support post, sulking angrily. Her friends bustled around, doing their own day-to-day duties around their camp. She refused to. As long as Clappy was there. She now despised him; he’d broken her heart. They’d been friends for years; had she waited to long? [Jjs: Here's another problem I have with this spin-off. The SBC user pairings, or in particular, this Clappy & Jelly angle. Shipping SBC users isn't a terrible idea, I mean, people can do what they want in their works, but it doesn't work here, nor did it with Ex & Mothra in SBCPU. It feels so forced just for "drama", and it makes Bikini Top look like it had better romance dramas in comparison... which is saying something. You can't even call this "drama", it comes off so poorly written to even take seriously. Jelly now hates Clappy because... she assumed he was saving himself for her and was too selfish to consider he was already taken. Yes, this is totally how Jelly would act. God, I hate these characters, they are either boring, unfunny or annoying (a rant for later). But here's the biggest glaring flaw with this love triangle: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Maybe it's my mind fucking with me, but didn't Jelly say back in episode 4 she was dating Bob Ball for no real reason after she gave Clappy that unexplained kiss? What happened to that plot line? I assume it was abandoned like many other things in this spin-off (WhaleBlubber...aka Metal Snake, says hi...remember that too? ). Of course it was. Bringing back that already established reason for CLAPPY to be the one annoyed at Jelly would've at least made more sense, but this is Down Under, the spin-off of anything but logical sense, so instead we bring in Clappy and CF dating out of nowhere to make Clappy the "bad guy" in this stupid ass love triangle. I'm getting ahead of myself here though. Regardless, the other pairings equally fall flat on their faces, especially Steel/CF, assuming that's even a thing anymore. Hell, even Clappy has gone on record to say he's never liked the idea of pairing himself with Jelly in SBC works, because they are such close friends it makes him uncomfortable. And when it's as poorly written as this, I can see why.] Had all those “signs” she’d thought she’d seen been fakes? Just frauds? Figments of her overactive imagination? [Jjs: I'm going to wager on an overactive imagination, since being in Down Under can probably make you see some trippy things.] She was suddenly jerked back into the present. Someone was talking to her. [Jjs: If only this would happen every other time a pointless flashback happened. We need Someone to wake these people up more often.] “Jelly,” Pixiequeen said. “Jelly?” [Jjs: who Okay, time for yet ANOTHER rant. Pixiequeen was an SBC user back in 2010 who very few people even remember, myself included. Now, including extremely obscure SBC users can be fine sometimes, but only if you can give them their own unique personality. And quite frankly, randomly slapping obscure SBC users like Talonmalon, Girlygirl, and pixiequeen doesn't amount to anything because they're just...there, and have little to nothing that makes them stand out. Seriously, how about giving focus to the members who were actually active at this time? You know it's bad when I think Pixiequeen, Girlygirl and Talon have had more lines of dialogue than actual notable members at this time. Did it have to be pixiequeen that wakes up Jelly of all people? You could replace them with Steve and Hobo from the Bus Station and nothing would change.] [Steve: Yeah, I need a role in something, I wouldn't mind being a bland user that stands around contributing nothing to the story.] [Hobo from the Bus Station: I'll play a part, if only I get change in return. ] “Huh, huh?” she said. “Yeah?” “I need help with some firewood,” Pixie said. “Would you come help me and Spongbobiscool?” “SIC?” Jelly said. “I’m not really fond of him....” [Fred: SIC must be DiC's younger brother.] [Jjs: Just like everyone else back in 2011. Putting sly jabs at disliked users in your work isn't a crime, but only if it is done within reason. And as you will see below, it isn't.] “Please,” she begged. “I really need your help.” She then whispered in Jelly’s ear, “I can’t take one more second with that guy!” “Fine, fine,” Jelly sighed. “Great!” Pixie beamed. She led her over towards the outskirts of camp where SCI (spongebobiscool) stood, [Jjs: Yes, I think we already know SCI stood for spongebobiscool-wait no, sorry, SPONGBOBiscool, but I know you must think we forget everything, understandably, so the reminder is needed. I love how reminding us on a user's abbreviation is apparently more important than reminding us on the spin-off's "story".] [Fred: SCI: Rock Bottom] trying to make fire. “Stupid fire,” he said, rubbing two sticks together. [Jjs: Good luck getting a FIRE started UNDERWATER...but that's implying tvguy even knows the setting anymore.] Pixie face-palmed. “Oh my god...for one, SCI, we’re looking for FIREWOOD. Not making fire. Plus, we have a lighter, so why are you rubbing two sticks together?” “That twig over there said he’d kill me if I didn’t burn things,” SCI said. [Jjs: Haha, comic relief. This would be funny if it wasn't for the fact it's yet another pointless part that adds nothing to the story whatsoever, and slows down an already pointless section. Not to mention this spin-off expects us to take everything so seriously that the "comic relief" comes off rather forced and awkward.] “You know what...,” Pixie said, going over to her bag. She reached in and pulled out a dog toy. [Jjs: Because... they have those underwater, I guess? But fish can have phones, so it's not impossible.] “Play with this.” She tossed him the dog toy and then led Jelly out of camp. “Pixie, firewood is on the other side of camp...,” Jelly finally said. One thing she hated about herself was that she was too nice. [Jjs: For being "too nice", you sure had no problem bluntly telling Clappy to "stop fucking around".] “I know,” Pixie said. “But I’m not getting firewood. I need to show you something I found.” Jelly was suddenly hesitant. She stopped mid-step. Pixie didn’t notice; she kept walking. “What is it?” she asked. “Look,” Pixie said, now around fifteen feet in front of her. She kicked the sand and suddenly something metal appeared in the soft sand. [Jjs: My god, they found the Roswell UFO!] “What is that?” Jelly yelled over. “Come look,” Pixie said. Jelly walked over reluctantly and gasped. In front of her was a gaping hole with a very narrow staircase going down. “How’d you find this?” she asked. “SCI banged his head when he was trying to find firewood, [Jjs: What did he bang his head on? Did he suffer any serious injuries? Is that why he was acting so off earlier? Why does this matter when he was only there for comic relief? And much like various other questions, I doubt any of mine will be answered.] so I came further out here and found this. Come on.” She led Jelly down into it. Pixie turned on a light switch and a very vibrant hallway was suddenly revealed. It had dusty marble flooring and two rows of dust-covered lights. [Jjs: I'm confused, what the hell is pixie doing? First it's look for firewood, now it's dick around in some creepy place hidden underground?] A row of lights glittered on a beautiful marble floor. The click, clack of shoes sounded. A man in a blood red suit walked down the hallway. He opened an oak door and stepped through. [Jjs: Right...from the opening. Cool to see it copied and pasted again, but uh, what's it doing here?] “See?” Pixie said. She walked over to a door and opened it. She screamed. “What?!” Jelly said, jogging over. “There’s a body in here!” Pixie said. [Jjs: Okay, ignoring any "fire underwater" jokes, THIS is what you found so much more important than getting firewood? Are these people just really stupid?] Jelly peered in and saw the body of a man named Kyle. “See,” breathed Redman walking up. “I warned you. Now....you are going to die a slow...painful death.” With that, he drove a knife into his hollow cheek, and then into his chest. [Jjs: So...the death we saw in the beginning took place in the room they found? I mean, thanks for the reminders, but if I didn't think about it, I would've assumed Jelly and pixie are seeing the event transpire again. It wouldn't surprise me if some people thought that as this spin-off is so vague, and there's no indication of this being a flashback other than it being what we saw in the opening.] ----- (“Hello” by Martin Solveig plays) [Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiiiiiiiide] [Lionel Richie: Is it me you're looking for?] Flashback [Flashback Counter: 4] ExKizuna walked along a hallway, feeling very happy. [Jjs: Glad Ex is at least happy, that makes one of us.] He suddenly heard a gunshot from the door he was passing by. He stopped cold. He yanked open the door and saw 70s down on the floor, bleeding. He looked up just in time to see his boss, Phil, aiming at him. [Jjs: I love how Ex just happened to be walking down that particular hallway at the exact same time 70s just happened to be in danger. Don't you just love coincidences? Or in this case, a quick way to move the """plot""" along.] Ex dove out just as three bullets zoomed through the spot where he had just been standing. Ex reached inside his back pocket and pulled out a small gun. [Jjs: I swear, if I had a dollar for every time someone pulled out a gun in this spin-off, I might be richer than Bill Gates. I see Bikini Bottom has no gun restriction laws, or wherever the hell this is.] [Fred: *pulls out gun* You're damn right, they don't.] He ran into the room, taking Phil by surprise. The both crashed into the monitors. Sparks flew everywhere and they all went black. [Jjs: Without getting shocked whatsoever, but 70s and Ex are basically gods in this spin-off, so they are invulnerable to everything.] “No, Ex!” 70s screeched from the floor. [Jjs: OSCAR PERFORMANCE.] [70s: SCREEEEEEEECH] Phil kicked Ex off of him fired two more shots at him. Ex rolled to the side and then fired his weapon. Phil collapsed on the floor; a bullet hole was right in the center of his forehead. [Jjs: He's not really dead. I expect him to come back to life in 2-3 episodes from now.] “70s, what happened?” Ex said, running over to aid his friend. He ended up taking off his shirt and wrapping it around 70s chest, applying pressure. [Jjs: Wow, tvguy really shipped 70s & Ex together. Warms me heart, this does. They might win an Oscar for Best Couple now.] [Fred: Please don't ship me with Bl4ze next.] “Ex!” choked 70s. “Why did you destroy the monitors!?” [Jjs: Yeah, that's going to be a hell of a fine, young man! Do you know how expensive those monitors are?!] “Why does it matter?” [Jjs: But our "likable" "hero" Ex doesn't give a shit about any property damage, because he's "badass" like that.] “The reason he shot me was because I saw something on one of the monitors I shouldn’t have!” 70s exclaimed. “We needed to see that!” [Jjs: No you didn't, 70s. Whatever it was, it would've gone nowhere, like many other things thus far. It was probably Phil watching little kids anyways like the pedophile he is.] “Well if you saw it, can’t you just remember or something?” Ex said. “I got a two second look at it before he shot me! I don’t fucking remember!” [Jjs: But...weren't the monitors still on during your gun duel? Pretty sure you could've looked during that.] “Alright, alright calm down! We can just go into your mind and get the file.” [Jjs: Still don't care about this mind file crap, at all, but go on.] “I have the best security in my mind,” 70s said. “Do you realize how hard it would be to break in there and get those files?” [Jjs: Well hilaryfan80 might beg to differ, considering he "broke" through your mind games to discover your true identity. Make sure the files about your real identity aren't in there anywhere, heh.] “Um...hard?” [Butt-head: Uh huh huh. He said "hard".] “Exactly.” [Jjs: Once again, Oscar worthy dialogue.] “Alright, I’m calling the police to get you an ambulance,” Ex said. [Jjs: Uh, I'm pretty sure the police and hospital have separate numbers, but whatever floats your boat.] [Fred: Hello, paramedics? Someone stole my car! Get them into a police car!] He pulled out his phone, talked for a few moments, and hung up. Around three minutes later, 70s was in an ambulance, racing to the hospital. ---- (“Bring Me Back To Life” by Evanescence plays) [Jjs: Gee, could this be foreshadowing someone comes back to life? Could it be Phil? Wow, only a scene later, this spin-off just keeps getting dumber and dumber...] [Fred: ] A plane flew under the dome over Bikini Bottom. A single figure fell out, landing in the camp. He wriggled in pain. “Oh my god...,” Wumbo said. “tvguy?” [Jjs: Just stare into each other's eyes, we got enough Ho Yay in this chapter, just keep adding to it.] “Hey,” he said. “Haven’t seen you in a while.” [Jjs: >Falls out of a plane >Lands in the camp and "wriggles in pain" >Says "Hey" I swear, tvguy must think he is also god to survive a fall like that.] “I...I thought you were dead,” Wumbo said. [Fred: Yeah, me too. Is tvguy invincible or something?] “I did too,” tvguy replied. “I’m assuming it’s the work of Doodlebob.” [Jjs: Is it? I can hardly tell if he's alive or not anymore, considering he never physically appears and randomly turned into SpongeBob. Seriously, is he dead, alive, is he SpongeBob, a ghost, a zombie, or what?] “What do you mean?” “Well...do you remember walking into Bikini Bottom and bunking with Patrick? And then suddenly our memories suddenly transferred to us being at the hospital?” tvguy said. [Jjs: If you have to ask if a character remembers something, that sure shows how "regrouped" they are.] “Oh shit...yeah...” “I’m assuming Doodlebob somehow has the power to manipulate people in a very dangerous way. He can make us think we’ve done something when we haven’t. He basically plants a memory somewhere that fits in with a timeline to make you think it’s real,” tvguy said. [Jjs: So all the confusing plot lines and flashbacks might be fake? Because that'd clear A LOT up for me.] “Hmm...so you didn’t really die?” “I don’t think so, because I’m here now. [Jjs: "I don't think I died, because I'm here now"... Once again, Oscar worthy dialogue.] Now can you help me? I’m hurt.” [Jjs: Wow, I love the transition of this scene. Tvguy falls out of a plane, is hurt, immediately greets Wumbo with no problem, tells him some exposition, "doesn't think he died" despite being there, and then decides to ask for help. Because you know, exposition comes before a broken bone. Also, whoa, nobody came back to life in this scene. Now that's an actual surprise so far! Of course, this is still Down Under, so I expect two revivals before the chapter ends.] ----- (“Crazy” by Gnarls Barkley”) Listen to it; it’s catchy and I think you’ll like it [Fred: I already did before. It's a pretty great song, but this isn't relevant to the chapter at all.] [Jjs: If you say so.] “Pixie, I know who this is,” Jelly said, goosebumps now on her arms. “What? How? Who is it?” she asked. “I...I don’t know,” Jelly said. Suddenly, two sharp pains jolted through her head. She tumbled to the ground. Everything was fuzzy. I see you. [Jjs: I'M NOT BUYING ANYTHING YOU'RE SELLING!!!] [Fred: Ew, get away from me, you creepy stalker.] I’ve been here for such a long time... You can make a great trophy... [Jjs: Well, good thing Trophy isn't riffing this one.] “JELLY! JELLY!” Pixie’s muffled cries didn’t get to Jelly. She saw stars and then two more dead bodies. [Jjs: Jelly sees dead people now? Will the next plot twist be that pixiequeen was dead the whole time?] [M. Night Shymalan: WHAT A TWEEST!] Suddenly, Jelly started to scream wildly. She saw a shadow behind Pixie. Abruptly, all of her senses came back. The shadow was gone. “Pixie, do you see something behind you?” Jelly asked immediately. “What?” She turned around. “No. What do you mea-” Pixie was suddenly smashed against the wall. All of Jelly’s senses were suddenly drained once again. She saw the shadow, now running further down the underground hallway. Just like many horror movie cliches, [Jjs: You acknowledge it's a cliche, yet this whole paragraph plays out like one. Makes sense to me.] Jelly followed the shadow, despite her temporary disability. Through her fogged vision, she saw the shadow go into another room. She followed, screaming again when she saw the face of a terrifying demon. It snarled. She went black. [Jjs: Speaking of horror movie cliches, I see this chapter is desperately trying to be a horror movie now. Nothing like referencing horror movies when you can't tell a coherent story.] ----- (“Right in the Head” by M. Ward plays) “What was that?” Ex said. He and jjs were talking. [Jjs: Oh hey, I'm in this. I don't even remember when I last appeared, but anybody who isn't Ex, 70s, Clappy, Wumbo or tvguy gets no focus, after all.] Both grabbed guns and ran towards the sound. They noticed the hallway right away. Ex went first down the narrow staircase, gun steady in front of him, followed by jjs. “Oh my god, Pixie,” Ex breathed. He turned to face jjs. “Stay here with here. If anything threatens you, shoot.” [Jjs: Okay, when the hell did I become a bodyguard? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to get some spotlight, but there was no indication whatsoever in the past two chapters I've been with Ex in the same building.] jjs nodded. Ex ran off down the hallway. “Hello?!” he yelled. A nearby scream split the air. He jogged in the direction and kicked the door open. Jelly lay on the floor, screaming. “Jelly!” Ex cried. He bent down towards her and picked her up. Leave her. Put her down. [Jjs: I'd do what the creepy voices say.] Well, two trophies is better than one. Ex hadn’t heard the voices Wumbology had talked about before. He was scared, but he still made his way towards the exit. But when he tried to step over the threshold, something pushed him back. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. [Fred: Well, you should've warned me before riffing this episode.] [Jjs: I'm starting to wonder if these voices are actually hallucinations of mine from riffing this for so long. Would explain a lot.] ---- (“Fly Me Away” by Annie Little plays) [Jjs: I wish I could "fly away" from this.] As night fell, Wumbology and tvguy continued their ongoing conversation. “Alright, so the first time DoodleBob did his little mind trick, it was easy to figure out. We simply came into Bikini Bottom at a much later time,” Wumbo said. “But...what the hell have you really been doing if you weren’t dead?” “I dunno,” tvguy said. [Jjs: Makes sense to me, about as good as "explanations" get here.] “I have no clue how I got on the plane. I just remember waking up falling through the air.” “I’d also like to know who the fuck dropped this goddamn dome over us,” Wumbo said. “And how they got a plane flying in it.” [Jjs: Is Wumbo back to riffing?] “I can’t--” tvguy was suddenly interrupted by a scream. [Jjs: Okay, these brief scenes are getting ridiculous. You could've just put this above with their earlier scene, there was literally no reason to make this its own scene.] ---- (“Where I’m Going” by The Kottonmouth Kings plays) [Jjs: Well this episode is definitely not going anywhere so far.] A lone, beautiful woman lay in the outskirts of camp. Girlygirl stood over her, hyperventilating. 70s and other nearby camp members ran towards her. “Oh my god!” 70s instantly said. “Sara?!” He bent down and picked up his wife. “Sara, hello?” [Jjs: I can't take any scenes with "Sara" seriously anymore, so I'm just going to imagine 70s is talking to himself the whole time throughout this.] Her eyes weakly opened; she saw 70s and socked him in the face. “GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, CALVIN!” she suddenly screamed. “WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN!?” [70s: I've been everywhere, man.] [Jjs: SCREAM!!! SHOUT!!! HOLLER!!!] 70s was now on the ground, Sara standing above him. He inched into the heart of the camp, Sara yelling at him. “Calvin?” a familiar voice said. “I’m truly sorry.” Reluctantly, 70s looked up to see Ginger, big breasts and all. [Jjs: Is having big breasts the only character trait Ginger is going to have? Because if I had a dollar she was described with either "big boobs" or "in a latex suit", I'd be richer than Bill Gates.] [Fred: Oh sure, make beauty the only trait of this character.] “Oh, excellent fucking timing.” [Jjs: Surprisingly, if you followed my advice above, reading this as 70s yelling at himself makes this scene actually pretty lulzy.] [Fred: Inserting profanity into your sentence, how fucking edgy.] ----- (“Trapped Under Ice” by Metallica plays) Ex tried to ram out against the invisible force one more time. It finally gave way. He raced back in to get Jelly and dragged her out. It was pitch black in the underground location. [Jjs: When you have drab descriptions, just italicize random words for emphasis.] “jjs?!” he called, his voice hoarse. “Yeah?” he said, his voice young. [Jjs: Clever, but I don't see why me having a young voice matters at all?] Suddenly, a light lit the room. jjs’ hand was glowing. “That’s your power?” Ex said, walking over to him. [Jjs: Apparently, and I didn't even know I had one, since Hassan and 70s are the ones who seem to have them described the most anymore.] [Fred: Radiation?] “That’s lame.” [Jjs: I don't know Ex, a glowing hand can be useful when you're in a dark place and need to see. Think outside the box.] There was the sound of foot shuffling behind Ex and he ran over to jjs. “Dude, what’s happening here?” Ex asked. “I don’t know,” jjs said, just as frightened. “Just as we’re in here...can I tell you something?” “Shoot.” “You’re an asshole,” jjs said blatantly. [Fred: You're a mean one, Mr. Ex--oops, I already did that song.] [Jjs: Uhh... hooray for forced character conflicts?] “What the fuck is your problem?” said Ex. [Jjs: Good question, as I never had any beef with Ex in this spin-off before.] “You know when you talk to me, it’s just like getting a slap in the face?” jjs said to Ex. [Jjs: This moronic and forced scene is also a slap in the face so far.] “Maybe it’s because you’re a fucking asskisser and you’re an ignorant bitch,” Ex scowled. “See?” said jjs. “This is what I mean.” [Jjs: Okay, allow me to make something clear if I didn't make it clear enough from my riffs. I. HATE. THIS. CHAPTER. And a big part of that is because of the characters. Everyone is such an unlikable boring jackass in it, but let's start off particularly with this scene. My characterization is terrible and makes no sense. I have my first major appearance, only for me to act like a douche to Ex for NO REASON. There was ZERO build-up to me hating Ex, because I hardly ever appeared before. Seriously, when was it EVER shown throughout this spin-off before I hated Ex? Show me a line, I dare you. You can't, because you can't find one. And hell, even ignoring this scene, most of the characters still act unlikable throughout the whole spin-off. Ex gets off scot free for essentially raping someone and acts like a smug douche, but not even an amusing kind, 70s is a god who gets all the glory and focuses on wanting to flirt with Major Boobage rather than care about anything else, Wumbo turns on his friends, which by the way, has yet to be followed up on, Jelly is overemotional and annoying over a petty drama, CF acts pretty rude which goes against her entire personality, Hassan becomes evil I guess for no real reason, and everyone else is either just as unlikable, boring, or just there. The cardinal sin of having SBC characters at the center of your story is making them impossible to root for or care about, something this spin-off does very well. Unlikable characters can work, but only if you can make them enjoyable. They aren't enjoyable, they are annoying or boring. Oh, and the best part of all, remember how they all have been trapped in another world away from their friends and family in real life? Me neither, because they sure as hell don't seem to care about going back home. Before you say they have, THEY DON'T. Name me one line that shows ANY of these characters giving a shit about wanting to go back home. Nope, instead, they'd rather waste their time on doing random crap, petty romance dramas, flirting with a villain (or is she? I don't know anymore), raping people on imaginary roller coasters, or have a childish fight like in this scene. My conflict with Ex is just so forced in right the fuck out of nowhere to find it "enjoyable". God, even in SBCPU at least I had the users plan to get back home here and there, but what the hell is the grand plan here!? *takes deep breath* Let's move on.] Another shuffle of footsteps down the hallway sent another chill down their spine. [Jjs: And apparently stopped their childish conflict.] Even more footsteps...it seemed to creep closer and closer. I felt the cold of a gun on my neck. I felt the steel of a knife slicing through my cheek. You...you don’t know pain. [Jjs: Wow, true words of a poet. These will certainly go up with the likes of Shakespeare and Poe.] Ex’s nose started to bleed. [Jjs: So...did I punch Ex in the nose off-screen, or are we just going to leave that there without any explanation?] Suddenly, the door to the underground offices was yanked open and the lights in the hallway instantly flashed back on. [Jjs: No explanation then, as expected.] “Hello?” a familiar voice called. “Anyone down here?” jjs and Ex, who were both pulling the unconscious Jelly and Pixie, ran up the stairs into the twilight air. [Jjs: Twilight air? Do I need to break out a Twilight Sparkle gif too?] “Woah, jjs and Ex!” a surprised Deli said, backing up. “What are you guys doing all the way out here?” “Deli, no questions,” Ex barked. [Jjs: Once again, another tvguy mantra. No questioning of anything, just deal with it.] [Fred: Sit, Ex, sit. Good dog.] “Come on.” Deli then saw the bloody Pixie and unconscious Jelly and her jaw dropped. She trailed jjs and Ex as they walked into camp. They walked past a tent where 70s was being cornered by Ginger and Sara, his two love interests. [Jjs: Just have a threesome, 2011 70s had no problem with those. ] They entered terminoob’s tent, where terminoob sat on a table, on a FishPhone. [Jjs: I'm wondering if tvguy got paid by Apple just to put these plugs in.] “Where’d you get that?” Deli asked. “Bikini Bottom,” he said, not taking his eyes off the screen. “They had a shitload of FishApple Stores there. What’s up?” [Jjs: "FishApple" Words cannot described how hard I just cringed. Do fish get their Fish Phones from FishApple Stores underwater now? Another interesting thought.] “Take your damn eyes off phone and look,” snapped Deli. terminoob sighed and looked; he gasped. “What the fuck happened?” he asked. Ex and jjs explained. terminoob bit his thumb. [Jjs: Don't bite it too hard, or you'll be missing one.] He looked as if he were about to speak when another person burst into the tent. [Jjs: Is there some giant sign saying "PARTY IN THE TENT!" pointing their direction?] “Dude, I just saw Bob Ball on the outskirts of camp,” Dragiiin said. “He was with The Mastermind.” [Jjs: Oh hey Drag, didn't know you were in crashing in on this spin-off either.] “What?” terminoob questioned. “How do you know what The Mastermind looks like? I don’t even know.” [Jjs: And when termi doesn't know, shit is serious.] “I just asked Wumbo since he’s the only one that’s actually seen him. I described the son of a bitch and I was right. It’s him,” confirmed Dragiin. “Alright,” terminoob said. [Jjs: Yup, just believe Drag, a user known to troll A LOT back in 2011, but who cares, we know all the other characterization goes to our more important douchebag main characters.] [Drag: haha just fooling u it was jjs lulz] ---- (“Again, Again” by Lady Gaga plays) tvguy ventured over to 70s tent. He entered and saw 70s sitting on a table, clutching a knife. “Um...hey, 70s,” tvguy said. [Jjs: A little concerned if you're possibly going to cut yourself, but hey.] “Hey,” 70s said, his eyes elsewhere. “If this is a bad time, I can totally come back later,” said tvguy. “No,” 70s said, finally making eye contact. “This is perfect.” [Jjs: Now I have someone else to help slit my wrist!] “Oh great!” tvguy said, smiling. “I have a few ideas on how we can--” [Jjs: Make some forced drama, as you'll see below.] Suddenly, 70s tackled tvguy. He socked him in the nose once and then punched him in the stomach four times. [Jjs: Once again, our hero, ladies and gentleman.] “Owww...,” he moaned, bleeding horribly. "I swear to god, I will kill you," he said. [Jjs: Wow, 70s finally snapped, huh? Wow, maybe he got tired of being the main character.] "70s, please don't. You know you can't." 70s bent down to face tvguy. "I will kill you again and send you to hell. And you know I will.” [Jjs: OSCAR PERFORMANCE.] “No,” tvguy said, shaking his bleeding face. “No, I don’t know that.” 70s raised his knife and then dropped it. He sighed and started to sob uncontrollably. [Fred: 70s speaks for all of us.] [Jjs: Don't worry 70s, I would have a mental breakdown too over this spin-off, which I've been on the verge of doing due to this chapter.] “Dude...it’s fine. It’s um...it’s fine,” said tvguy. He lifted up his shirt and peered at four throbbing bruises. Just as 70s turned around, he put it back down. “I’m sorry,” he cried. “My fiance just showed up. And it just happens, Ginger decided she wants to be with me again.” “Bullshit,” tvguy said. “Ginger doesn’t love you. You’re just a ploy in her whore ways.” [Jjs: Hooray for slut shaming!] “I agree,” sniffed 70s. “I’m sorry, man.” [Jjs: 70s for President. Even after attempted murder, he apologizes like a true hero. Our protagonist, everyone.] ---- (“Here We Go Again” by Pixie Lott plays throughout this scene and the credits) [Jjs: I'M AN ANIMAL SO LET'S PLAY PRETEND] terminoob, 70s, tvguy, Deli, Ex, Wumbo, and Girlygirl all raced out into the middle of the camp. Jelly sat on a log, distraught. [Jjs: That poor log, it now has to listen to Jelly's angst.] “I saw him,” she said. [Jjs: Saw who? The demon? Kyle's body? Him from Powerpuff Girls? Is Him the demon? Seriously, there's a difference between subtle and just flat out vague.] “Wait, are you sure?” tvguy said. “Yes!” 70s said. “tvguy, I apologized. She...she just appeared. I got scared, angry, and a little insane. [Jjs: Attempting to murder your friend is a "little" insane. Only a little. Wait a minute, deja vu...] But now we need to solve the goddamn problem at hand!” [Jjs: Oh...OH. This was from the beginning, and "Here We Go Again"...haha, clever...not. Seriously though, does tvguy think we're so lost that he's resorting to pasting entire sections again? In that case, I'll just re-use all of my riffs from that beginning...but then I'd be as lazy as tvguy is being right now, so never mind. I'll do something different.] “Fine, fine,” he nodded. tvguy leaned in towards Jelly. “Jelly, where’d you see them go?” [Jjs: Okay, I'll paste this riff again since it still holds true: Who is them?] “Underground,” she sniffed. “As Ex dragged me out, I saw both of them peering out from behind a door. I didn’t say anything because I assumed it was....me hallucinating. But then Dragiiin saw them too...” [Jjs: Again, who is them?] [Fred: You know, "them"? Don't tell me you ever heard of "them".] 70s, tvguy, Deli, Ex, Wumbo, and Girlygirl raced down the hallway, guns ready. A single metal door stood at the end. “Hello, is anyone in there?” Ex called, racking his knuckles on the door. [Jjs: You didn't say "Knock knock", jerk.] “If anyone is there and you have firearms, please lower them,” a voice said. “Clappy?” Wumbo said. “Is that you?” “Please,” he said. “Lower your weapons.” [Jjs: Still laughing at "he" to expect anybody to lower their weapons in Down Under.] The door opened and he stepped through. Bob Ball stood behind him, gun taped to Clappy’s neck, his hand taped to the weapon. [Jjs: That's a lot of tape.] “Make a path or he dies,” Bob Ball said. No one did anything. “Oh, you think I’m playing? LOWER YOUR FUCKING WEAPON OR I’LL PUT A BULLET IN THIS MAN’S HEAD.” [Jjs: ACTING!] 70s sighed. [Jjs: Jjs groaned.] “Lower your weapons,” he said. “Good,” nodded Bob Ball. Suddenly, terminoob swung out from behind the back corner and fired at Bob Ball. Everyone, including Bob Ball and Clappy, ducked onto the floor. [Jjs: I see Bob Ball gained the ATTWL 3 Bullet Dodging power-up.] Bob Ball pulled out a small handgun from his back pocket and fired at terminoob. “Put it down,” he said. “Or I’ll kill him.” “terminoob, put it down,” 70s rasped. terminoob hesitated, his pissed off face etched in, but placed the gun on the floor. [Jjs: For some reason, I'm just laughing at terminoob having a "pissed off" face.] “Good show,” a voice said from inside the room. Redman stepped out, in a red suit. [Jjs: Dude, no way, I thought Redman would be in a BLUE suit! Could've fooled me. You see the bizarre form of unnecessary reminders I was talking about?] He passed through. “Ready to hold up your end of the deal, Eric?” “Eric?” terminoob said. “What the hell is he talking about?” Wumbology had a pained look on his face. He hung his head, in shame. [Jjs: "Pained look" and "pissed off look", I wonder if these special faces are available at the Down Under Power-Up Store.] "Fine," he said, quietly. "Just promise me you'll give me my wife and daughter back." [Wumbo: ] "I will deliver," Redman said, dragging terminoob and 70s out of the hallway. “Eric!” Both screamed frantically. [Jjs: The constant switching back and forth between calling SBC users by their usernames and real names is getting annoying. Either call them one or the other, it gets jarring when you use Wumbo for 95% of the chapter, and then call him Eric for one line.] [Fred: Yeah, Dylan.] It pained him enormously; [Jjs: "This is going to hurt the most."] but if Redman had the power to perform resurrections, he had to get his family back...no matter what. [Jjs: So Redman can apparently bring people back from the dead because why not.] Just as 70s and terminoob disappeared around the corner, the remarkable happened. An explosion ripped through the air. The glass dome shattered into billions of shards. [Jjs: I guess Michael Bay was the one who saved the day since these dorks couldn't. Also, I love how nobody reacted to Wumbo betraying them. So much for that suspense.] ---- (“Here We Go Again” by Pixie Lott continues) 2 Minute Before Explosion [Flashback Counter: 5] [Fred: OH FOR THE LOVE OF--] Sandy, CF, and Steel all sat together, together. CF held a gun, examining the rim. [Jjs: Imagining CF of all people holding a gun is just laughable in and of itself.] "Oh my god!" shouted Sandy. "What?" "I just saw a fucking shadow! Did you see that?!" [Jjs: Jeez Sandy, watch your fucking mouth. Damn Texan squirrels and their matters.] [Fred: Wouldn't Sandy say something like "Did y'all see that?" I thought she was from Texas.] "Shadows aren't exactly not normal..." "Dude, it's too black in here for shadows. And there aren't windows. It's just the one little lamp." “Are you okay, Sandy?” CF asked. “You’re right,” nodded Sandy. “I’m just seeing---” An enormous explosion rocked the ground. CF was jerked forward, and pressed the trigger of the gun she was holding. The bullet sailed through Steel’s knee. [Jjs: God dangit CF, you broke Steel's knee!] [Fred: And everyone died. The end.] ---- Credits Created by tvguy347 Written by tvguy347 [Fred: Catering by tvguy347, produced by tvguy347, directed by tvguy347, acting by tvguy347] Played by: that70sguy92 ExKizuna Deli CF [Jjs: What, are they actors now?] And all other users previously from Tv.com or SBC.. Thoughts and reviews encouraged and greatly appreciated! Is this the best episode ever, or what? [Jjs: No, this is the worst episode for me so far. By God, did I hate this chapter so much. Everything wrong with Down Under in one gift-wrapped package: Unlikable characters, characters doing nothing, plot holes, pointless scenes, lack of coherency, and forced flashbacks. I would make a rant on this, but I gave enough above, so see ya.] [Fred: "Is this the best episode ever, or what? " This is the second worst DU episode I have ever did. The Sex-mas special is still #1 worst, but this made it a bit close to crowning my worst episode. Out of character moments, bad characterization, forced drama, a shitload of flashbacks, the list goes on. This episode just made me pretty uncomfortable. Still doesn't beat Ex raping Abney though. Worst moment in the spin-off for me. Thank the lord that this is my last episode of Season 1. I definitely need a break before I riff the short-lived Season 2. I'm outta here. *travels away using a speedboat*] Edited October 14, 2017 by The Lich 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joe Biden Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Oh yeah, I left out some additional details in my riff. Don't think it matters, but I'll just leave them here: "Thank the lord that this is my last episode of Season 1. I definitely need a break before I riff the short-lived Season 2. I'm outta here. *travels away using a speedboat*" This fucking episode, man........... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 4 hours ago, jjsthekid said: “I’m assuming Doodlebob somehow has the power to manipulate people in a very dangerous way. He can make us think we’ve done something when we haven’t. He basically plants a memory somewhere that fits in with a timeline to make you think it’s real,” tvguy said. ...I'm not buying it. Even forgetting that plothole way back in Episode 10, tvguy is explaining that he had a false memory...of being murdered. How can you be made to think a false memory of being murdered is real...if you're alive. And "timelines"? Wut. This isn't a movie/video game franchise. But great riffing, I loved how Jjs ripped it to shreds. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
So Sejima Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 5 hours ago, Metal Snake said: ...I'm not buying it. Even forgetting that plothole way back in Episode 10, tvguy is explaining that he had a false memory...of being murdered. How can you be made to think a false memory of being murdered is real...if you're alive. And "timelines"? Wut. This isn't a movie/video game franchise. Maybe he tried to be a video game type but got really hungover when doing this and stuck with it. Also false memory, possible temporary solution would be thinking it's the afterlife, correct? I mean I know it's another asspull but still. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minty Car Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Dear God, what a dumpster fire... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
So Sejima Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 I also forgot to mention how this gave me an Identity Crisis. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted May 9, 2016 Author Share Posted May 9, 2016 (edited) Down Under 20. The Merger (S1E20) Episode 20: The Merger [Fa: The merger of ridiculous and terrible? Happened back in episode 1, mang.] [Halibut: I think it means that it'll merge shitty plot and shitty dialogue.] [Hayden: So finally, the castaways all merge in one location and one area of time.] This episode of Down Under is rated TV-14-L-S-D-V for intense language, extreme sexual situations, inappropriate and insensitive dialogue, and very detailed and intensive violence. Not for readers under the age of 12. Thank you. [JCM: You're welcome.] [Fa: Not for people under 12 but rated TV-14? WHAT ABOUT THE 13 YEAR OLDS!?!] [Halibut: Don't forget that reading about Terminoob jacking himself off while on some kind of trippy gas earlier in the series didn't warrant a TV-14 rating.] [Steel: >INTENSE language >EXTREME sexual situations >INAPPROPRIATE and INSENSITIVE dialogue >INTENSE and detailed violence >TV-14] [Hayden: This is Tvguy's way of making his writing seem special and out there. Which he's accomplished in the worst way.] Previously on Down Under... An enormous dome is dropped over Bikini Bottom by a mysterious and unknown assailant. Meanwhile, sparks fly between Clapmaster and Jelly. Tension is built when 70s previous love interest, Ginger, shows up along with the arrival of 70s fiance from up above. [JCM: When did 70s start dating angels?] [Hayden: 70s is a babe magnet. Attracting OC's and Sara (that person in his mirror).] Jelly and Pixie discover an underground plaza where they experience paranormal activity that turns out to be life threatening. tvguy347 also shows up, and explains his death was a mere mind trick from DoodleBob again. A team races down into the newly discovered plaza after they notice that Clappy has gone missing. They find Bob Ball holding a gun to Clappy’s head. It is revealed Bob Ball has flipped sides. In an shocking ending, Wumbology turns over 70s and terminoob in exchange for the resurrection of his murdered wife and daughter. But...an enormous explosion from inside the dome shatters the dome, interrupting 70s and terminoob’s kidnapping. Where do things lead now? [Steel: Nowhere.] [Fa: Why would I bother to blow my brains out reading the episode when I just read the recaps of them?] [Halibut: Because you may miss the DIALOGUE!] (“Fuck You” by Lily Allen) [Fa: Well fuck you too. ] [Halibut: When you reference a song named "Fuck You" that's not by Cee Lo Green, does that makes you a hipster or just even more incompetent than usual?] [Steel: Hey, this isn't Cee-Lo!] [Hayden: Finally, a song that smoothly entwines itself into Down Under's fabric.] Frederick ran across the deck of The Graveyard ship. He didn’t know where he was going; he just wanted to leave. He hit the railing and did a back flip onto the fiesta deck below. [JCM: This is a great time to practice your gymnastics.] [Fa: Worthy of a scene break most definitely.] [Halibut: ACTION!] --- (“Fuck You” by Lily Allen continues) [Halibut: Good to know.] [Hayden: At least he keeps the important story points like that clear to us.] [Narrator: But that's not important. Now onto the REAL drama!] Ginger’s eyes fluttered open. [Fa: I will not post a fluttershy GIF. I WILL NOT! But seriously, a new/better word is more applicable.] She gazed around before removing the tarp of a tent off of her. She got up, her legs feeling like fucking cardboard. [JCM: Not just cardboard. Fucking cardboard.] [Halibut: When you're so tired that your legs feel the word to fuck cardboard, you may need to visit a doctor.] [Steel: She tried to twilight her legs back up, but rarityly, to no avail.] “Great,” she moaned. “Bitch, please,” a voice said from behind her. Ginger turned around and saw Sara standing across from her. “I have a fucking peg through my calf.” And Sara did. A peg that had been holding up the tent was thrashed through her leg. [Halibut: Peg in the leg, eh? ] [JCM: I'd like to peg her somewhere.] [Hayden: Thrashed through? Tvguy's wording will never flounder.] “Oh, boo hoo,” Ginger sneered. “The whole damn world is going to have a pity party for Sara!” [Fa: Sara.] [Hayden: I'm pitying 70s because I don't think this is the kind of cat fight over him he ever wanted.] “Excuse me?” Sara said. “God, you’re a hypocrite. What did Calvin see in you?” [Fa: Himself. ] [Steel: Boobs. Nothing personal.] [JCM: He's really into girls that don't exist.] “Apparently enough to dump you for me.” Ginger was suddenly attacked by Sara. She clawed at her; Ginger didn’t take it. She bit Sara and pulled her hair. Suddenly, Ginger was sitting on Sara, pulling her head back. [Halibut: Putting a cat fight into words doesn't make it fun anymore. ] [Steel: If cattiness could also be a type of cheese, this scene is what cements into that cheese.] “You little slut,” she rasped. “I hate you.” [JCM: Now, if Ginger were a big slut, it'd be a different story.] [Fa: Rasped? Does she need cough drops?] [Halibut: I'm a slut too, you don't need to use that as an insult.] [Hayden: This is where I'd cut off too, so we can cut to them having sex later.] ---- The Mastermind stood adjacent to Redman. One was in a black suit, the other in a red suit. 48 hours had passed since the explosion. “What now?” the Mastermind said, blandly. He now had a beard on his chin. His eyes looked swollen and his hair was thinning on his head. “What now?” [Hayden: "Said blandly". More in-story riffing.] [Fa: He grew a beard in 48 hours? That's mildly impressive.] [Halibut: Is he growing a year a second?] [Steel: The Mastermind has a little problem if you know where I'm getting at.... ] “I am clear out of ideas,” Redman said. [Halibut: Ditto.] He, however, looked young and full of life. “Eric promised me the two of them. I don’t know why you would suddenly decide to cause an explosion right then and there.” [JCM: Because explosions are awesome, that's why.] “Because,” he said, leaning in. “I disagree with your actions.” [Halibut: Don't we all?] [Steel: I disagree with your actions too. Heck, almost everyone might as well be at fault here after dealing with that "Maneater" episode.] [Hayden: Remember kids, if you disagree with somebody else, make terrorist attacks.] Redman’s face scrunched up in anger, before his hand ripped across The Mastermind’s face. “I cannot even look at you right now.” He got up and started to walk towards the door when The Mastermind said something that made him stop in his tracks. [Halibut: "Well, I gotta admit, that slowed me down, but I'm still goin' for it!"] “If you leave now, I will call Kyle,” he said. “And he will not be happy.” [Kyle: I'm asleep, so no, I will not be happy. ] [Steel: No! Not Kyle from South Park! Anyone but him!] The man in red hesitated, and then turned around and took his seat back. “Fine...what is it you want to do next?” [JCM: The same thing we do every day, Pinky. Try to take over the world.] ---- [Steel: If I had a dollar every time a piece of cliffhanger dialogue gets interrupted by another scene, I'd be richer than Donald Trump and his controversial election statements.] [Fa: Maybe it's just me, but doesn't that seem like the worst time to end the scene?] [Halibut: But Fa, suspense!] It was the middle of the night. Miraculously, the explosion had done nothing but move the tents a few inches and sprinkle shards of glass everywhere. It’d taken only a few hours to clean up. [Halibut: Way to be efficient.] [Steel: Surprisingly a bomb did nothing. Was it really tiny or something?] [JCM: Explosions underwater make total sense.] [Hayden: This is what bombs were like before the atomic ones were perfected.] Now, 70s was stirring. His eyes opened and he instinctively reached for a nightside table; there wasn’t one. He got out of bed and walked out into the chilly, early morning water. He was hoping to find those...those eerie fish he’d seen a few weeks prior, but to no avail. He sighed and placed his hands on his hips. [Halibut: You can just feel the sass.] [Steel: ] “70s?” Sandy walked out of her tent, rubbing her eyes. “What’re ya’ll doing up so early?” [Fa: Well at least Dylan nailed Sandy's accent down, I guess.] [Halibut: Using the word "y'all" is all you need.] [JCM: Despite the fact that "y'all" ain't even singular.] [Hayden: I hope Sandy becomes the 3rd 70s love interest.] “Can’t sleep,” he said, hanging his head. [Halibut: This sounds like he hanged himself. R.I.P.] [70s: Plot holes will eat me.] “Ya sure? You look kind of worried,” she said. Her face then changed from worried to scared. “Oh my god...” “What?” he said, turned around to see what she was looking at. He went pale; standing there, at the mouth of the camp, was a man hunched over, holding a rifle. “Sandy...get inside...” [Fa: The camp has a mouth? Where's the stomach and the esophagus? There may be minutemen there too.] [JCM: The camp needs to brush its teeth, is what it needs to do.] “No, I’m staying here with you,” she shivered. [Hayden: Because she loves you.] [Fa: So Sandy was cold?] “Get a gun,” he said. She turned and ran into her tent and came back in an instant with a handgun. [JCM: Good thing the guy with the rifle didn't immediately shoot you like he logically should have done in that situation.] [Fa: Sandy just has guns nearby I guess now. Okay then.] “Hello?” 70s said. “Who are you?” The man slowly inched closer, like a snail, towards Sandy and 70s. He said nothing, and a glowing light behind him shadowed out his face. They saw only his silhouette. He raised his rifle and aimed. [Fa: Oh dear god... it's him: I always knew that rock was a menacing fucker.] [Steel: Like a snail?....Oh no! I Was A Teenage Gary flashbacks, but with guns! Aaaaah!] [Hayden: I hope the man is Gary in disguise. This story needs more Gary.] “Put it down...,” cautioned 70s. He also readied his gun...and then fired. A bullet smashed into the man’s skull, sending him falling backwards. He landed in the sand, his dead arms still wrapped around his weapon. 70s stepped towards him and retrieved the rifle. “Put it in my tent...” “Why not the gun supply tent?” Sandy asked. [Halibut: Good question.] [Steel: Headcanon: Guns in Down Under are like rings in the Sonic games. Why? BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER GRAB TOO MANY GUNS.] [JCM: Well, she is from Texas.] “Just put it in my tent!” 70s barked. She turned and walked into the tent. Apparently, the gunshot had been rather silent, as no one had heard and come out. He found it odd. [Fa: I mean there are silencers, I guess. I'm more confused about 70s being part dog then anything else.] [Hayden: Sandy can do better than bossy pants over here.] 70s walked back into his tent and saw Sandy sitting on his bed, holding the rifle by a lantern. “Look,” she said. He walked over and peered over; he now had goosebumps on his arms. Etched into the gun was: They’re coming. [JCM: Using a gun engraving to brag about your sex life. Nice.] [Halibut: THE REDCOATS ARE COMING!] [Hayden: They've come to collect your underwater taxes.] ---- [Steel: You get a cliffhanger cut! Halibut and Fa get a cliffhanger cut! Everyone gets a cliffhanger cut!] It was overcast that morning. The gang lazily filtered out of their tents as a slow drizzle came down. Wumbology sat by the fire in the heart of the camp, eating a PB&J sandwich. He stared absently at the burnt wood in the middle, his thoughts somewhere else. [Wumbology: Making a fire in the rain, making a fire in the rain. It doesn't make sense to me, what does in this story?] [Halibut: Considering the lack of sense this makes, would it be plausible that he used the fire to cook his sandwich?] [Steel: But who would cook a PB&J?] [Hayden: I could go for a PBJ but I'm out of bread.] “Hey...er...I want to talk to you,” tvguy said, sitting down next to him. “About what?” asked Wumbo. He didn’t talk his eyes off the firewood. [JCM: Apparently, Wumbo can talk his eyes off of firewood, which raises so many questions.] “How exactly were you involved with that man?” tvguy said. [JCM: That wasn't one of them.] “Redman?” replied Wumbology. “He murdered my wife and daughter. I thought everyone in camp knew about it, after everything that’s happened. But...he said he could resurrect my wife and daughter...but in exchange for 70s and terminoob.” [Fa: The guy who killed your wife and daughter may able to bring them to life if you betray your only remaining friends in an underwater dystopia? Seriously, what was Tvguy's obsession with not actually killing his characters off?] “Eric...,” said tvguy. “You really thought he could bring your wife and daughter back to life?” [Fa: A sensical comment in Down Under? That's a first!] [Halibut: Why does the story call him Wumbo while Dylan calls him Eric?] [Steel: Stop calling him by his real name. This doesn't take place on the Internet, but calling him by his pet name makes a lot more sense.] “Is it really that unreal? I mean, look where we are. We’re in Bikini Bottom, a made up place that Stephen Hillenburg created. It’sfake. [JCM: Likespaces.] And yet...we’re here, aren’t we?” he replied, defensively. “So you tell me. Is it really that far out?” [Fa: It might be less so if it's NOT THE SAME GUY WHO KILLED THEM!] [Hayden: I would totally sell out all my friends and remaining loved ones to the guy who killed my wife and daughter. Only good things could happen.] tvguy didn’t answer; he turned his gaze to the firewood, where Wumbo was looking. That was when he saw it. Written in the sand, just below the firewood, read: Prepare yourself. [Fa: Sand Messages in the Sand.] [Steel: Uh....how threatening?] “70s!” [Halibut: 80s!] [JCM: 90s are all that!] [Hayden: 2000's motherfuckers.] ---- [Cliffhanger cut counter: 3] [Hayden: There've been more than that.] Ex, jjs, Deli, and Pearl all sat together. They were playing poker, gambling with clams and shells. [Fa: Bikini Vegas.] [Hayden: Pearl from Spongebob? Didn't Mr. Krabs teach her the risks of gambling?] “Ex, jjs,” 70s and tvguy said, walking up. “Can we see you please?” “Sure,” they both said in unison. [JCM: Jeez, how much time did they spend rehearsing that?] They followed tvguy and 70s to a tent on the very edge of camp. Inside, terminoob and Wumbology awaited. [Fa: Both? But there were four people there...] [Halibut: If I can correct you, they did ask for only Ex and jjs.] “We have been getting messages,” 70s started off. “Last night, a man appeared in camp that I was forced to kill. On his weapon was a message, saying “They’re coming.” Then today, Wumbo found a message in the sand saying “Prepare yourself.’” “And today...,” tvguy said. “Pixie recently took over Goosebump and Bob Ball’s old tent. I went in there to bring her some grapes, and she was huddled in the corner, with blood writing on the wall.” [Halibut: Is Pixie that poorly drawn duck?] [JCM: Pixie is a pixie from Fairly OddParents, I'm sure.] “What’d it say....?” asked terminoob, impatiently. “‘We’re here,’” he said. “So, is this like the work of Redman or The Mastermind?” jjs said. “Or The Admiral, perhaps,” Ex suggested. [Fa: You know what I just realized? What's the difference between any of these three villains? They're all the same archetype and barely distinguishable otherwise. Fun stuff.] [Steel: At this point, the main villain is only whoever tvguy feels like it should be. We also can't forget about Hassan, DoodleBob, and evil resurrected SpongeBob.] [Hayden: Maybe this chapter's twist is that Redman, The Mastermind, and The Admiral all MERGE into one entity.] “But who is ‘they’re’?” replied 70s. [Fa: Who is "they're" indeed.] [JCM: They're is my favorite character.] “Well...a few weeks ago, I woke up and I saw these fish coming out of this weird, glowing ship. I met this fish, and I’m not sure what happened...but I woke up that morning and they were gone. Maybe it’s them?” “Maybe it was a dream, Calvin,” said terminoob. “We cannot focus on anything that isn’t backed up by solid evidence.” “It’s just a fucking idea, terminoob,” 70s snapped. “In case you haven’t noticed, whoever these people are...they’re hostile.” [Halibut: 70s... I know you're just being written, but YOU'RE the one who snapped and YOU'RE the one being hostile. I don't know how one line could be so inconsistent.] “How so?” [Fa: Bloody messages in dead members tents are pretty hostile.] [Steel: The obliviousness here is killing me.] “How so? How fucking so? Well, for one, they sent a fucking suicidal maniac into our camp with a rifle. Is that hostile enough for you?” 70s sat down bitterly, chewing on his nails. [JCM: Keep doing that and you'll end up with a nail in your throat. No, really. Keep doing that.] “You guys...if these things that---” “The Doodles!” jjs abruptly shouted. “Maybe it’s The Doodles!” [Halibut: MENOY MENOY!] [Steel: The Doodles is my favorite band.] [Hayden: Jjs should be the only theorizer from now on.] “It’s possible...,” terminoob muttered, absentmindedly. He was more interested in 70s; it seemed like that had been smoke venting, not an explosion. “Let’s just see what happens,” tvguy said. “I think we’re all a little tired...” [JCM: Me especially.] [Fa: A threat is coming, so lets go to bed.] [Hayden: At least if they die in their sleep, they won't feel pain.] ---- (“M1A1” by Gorillaz plays) It was early morning. The sun was barely peaking over the horizon. Everyone was fast asleep in their tents, off in their own dream lands. [Fa: I wish Katie was in this series so I could post Plankton from SOOW right here. Instead we're in DU land.] [Steel: And because we're in DU land, the characters were actually in nightmare land.] A single man walked through the camp, holding a pitchfork drenched in blood. He walked slowly, now dragging the pitchfork in the sand. He then raised his white fingers and snapped. Out of nowhere, two other men appeared. One held a kitchen knife and the other a machete. The trio approached 70s tent and entered. [JCM: Remember, kids: always lock your tents at night. Otherwise, strange men will come in and stab you.] [Halibut: What are you gonna do with the pitchfork, just wave it up in the air with a torch in the other hand?] [Steel: Oh hey, some of the characters are using different weapons.] A screamed ripped through the night air and suddenly the entire world flipped upside down. With a snap of a finger, around two dozen more men appeared. The camp woke up and burst out of their tents; they saw what was occurring, ran back in to retrieve weapons, and then darted back out to fight. Blood splattered everywhere. The attackers dropped like flies; the SB gang had the obvious numbers. [JCM: 666?] [Fa: Don't ignore the bloody messages anymore fam.] “Oh my god,” panted TTS. “What the hell just happened?” [Halibut: Nobody knows.] “Pack up camp,” 70s said, running out of his tent. No one moved. “PACK UP FUCKING CAMP.” [Halibut: Once again, hostility.] [Steel: Get in the fucking robot, Shinji!] [JCM: If the campers want to stay and get murdered, that's their prerogative.] [Hayden: "No one moved". Common SBCer behavior because you didn't raise them right 70s.] ---- [Cliffhanger cut counter: 4] [Hayden: Interchangeable with the infinity sign.] Nearly two hours later, the camp had disappeared. The group was now walking through the deserted Bikini Bottom...until they found them. Almost invisible, were the SBM group. They were burrowed in a hole, between two building. [JCM: Funny you should mention that. I'm buried in this line, between two bracket.] “Hey...,” PhilipB said, walking up with TTS. “What are you----” “They drove us out,” ssj said. “The Doodles.” “Did they happen to send you notes before they attacked you?” 70s jumped in. “No...why?” he said. “It’s not The Doodles,” whispered terminoob. [Fa: Not pointless villains #1.] “I got that,” 70s whispered back. “Uh...,” ssj began. [JCM: Quick! Somebody bring in Bubble Buddy so he can call him a no-good admin!] “Yes,” Abney cut in. “Absolutely.” [Halibut: ] [Fa: Inb4 Ex moment in the next "scene."] [Steel: Boring conversation after boring conversation....] --- Abney and ssj walked in the back of the now gigantic group. “What’d you do that for?” SSJ rasped, livid. [JCM: So livid that his name is all caps now.] “It’s smart!” he replied. “And honestly...what’s the problem we have with them?” SSJ didn’t replied...he just walked. [Fa: Riveting scene break!] [Steel: Pointless scene after pointless scene....] [Hayden: Oh hey, abney switched to his actual gender now. Ex raped the female right out of him....] --- Night fell and they were barely on the outskirts of Bikini Bottom. [JCM: Having tiny fish legs can really be a drag sometimes.] “We’ll set up camp here,” 70s shouted. In an instant, everyone dropped their things, tired. And yet, the next morning, camp wasn’t even entirely built. Clams chirped happily, flying overhead. tvguy crawled out of his tent, tired. He was one of the few that had actually finished building a tent. Everyone except 70s, tvguy, Pixie, Jelly, and Deli had slept outside that night. tvguy stretched and then rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He then saw that, written in blood, was a message: [Bloody Message Guy: DON'T IGNORE MY MESSAGES AGAIN!] [Steel: So many god forsaken killer messages....] Do not hold near, who is dear, for we are in the inside, for your fear [JCM: Can somebody get me a beer?] [Halibut: Ooooh, poetry!] [Steel: Brought me to tears.] [Hayden: Stop standing around, kick it into gear, for we are right on your rear.] “70s!” he screamed, running into his tent. “Ugh...tvguy, I’m asleep,” he moaned. “It’s important!” he said. “I found another message!” 70s bolted out of bed and followed tvguy to the bloody note outside of his tent. 70s bit his nail, a habit he had developed over the past few days. [Hayden: Fish only have one nail.] [Steel: It's safe to say that "The Merger" should be renamed to "The Messages". Just saying.] “Someone on the inside?” he said, more in thought than to tvguy. [JCM: Because screw tvguy.] “Maybe someone from SBM?” tvguy proposed. “Or maybe they’re referring to Bob Ball?” [Fa: A mole folks! A mole!] “Bob Ball was in cahoots with Redman...not whoever these people are,” 70s retorted. “Oh...” [Halibut: That was a quick conflict resolution.] “70s!” Pixie and Jelly both ran up, Pixie crying. Someone’s here,” Jelly said, her voice pained and on the verge of crying. Her eyes were filled with fear. “They’re in our tent. They scratched Pixie.” Pixie bawled in pain and she showed 70s an ugly wound on her arm. [JCM: Ugly and proud.] “Did you get a good glimpse of the guy?” 70s asked, as he walked into tvguy’s tent. He came back out with the rifle that had bore the first message. “No,” Jelly said, catching her breath. “It...it kind of just whipped in and out.” [Hayden: Clappy's dick?] “Wait, 70s,” tvguy suddenly said. “I just thought of something.” “Not now, tvguy,” 70s said, as he charged towards Jelly and Pixie’s tent. People were now getting up, starting their day-to-day duties. [Halibut: What the fuck? Maybe he had something to say that would help.] [JCM: tvguy gets very little respect for a show he writes.] “The first message,” tvguy persisted. “It said they’re coming.” [Steel: If this episode is just going to be everything leading to who wrote the messages, it better be worth my time.] “tvguy, I really don’t have time for this,” 70s said. “Later.” He entered the tent and looked around. Silently, almost like it never happened, something latched around 70s throat. The rifle dropped. He couldn’t scream, and the tent flaps were closed. He struggled to breath, as his throat closed up. [Halibut: God damn, 70s is a hell of an asshole in the story, isn't he?] “And yet...the other messages were speaking in first person,” tvguy said, stopping. “Why would they switch so suddenly? Unless...that message didn’t come from them. That message wasn’t from them! 70s! 70s!” tvguy torpedoed into the tent...he stopped, looking around for 70s. “70s?” [JCM: Oh, so that's why he doesn't get respect. Because he's useless.] He was gone. [Halibut: Where in the world is 70s!?] [Hayden: Getting his comeuppance for not listening to Tvguy's important revelation.] ---- “What do you mean he’s missing?” SSJ rasped. [Fa: Extra order of cough drops on the way.] “He just went in...and he didn’t come out,” explained tvguy. [Halibut: Out of the closet?] [Hayden: He went through the back of the tent then.] “It’s obvious something or someone is in camp,” Jelly said. “We need to be protected. I know SBM nearly tripled our already enormous gun supply, but 70s still got taken. We need people guarding camp 24/7. Especially at night.” [JCM: Volunteers for the night shift? No? Well, forget about that, then.] [Halibut: "Tripled our already enormous gun supply"... something tells me that this is just subtle SBM ass-kissing.] [Steel: No surprise to know that they have so many guns.] “I like that idea,” PhilipB agreed. “I do too,” tvguy said. [Fa: I'm glad we all agree enough to take this much space to say it.] “Make a manifest list,” ssj told Abney. “We’ll then select people to guard.” “Gotcha.” [JCM: And they were never heard from again.] ---- (“Enter Sandman” by Metallica plays) [Fa: I don't really see this song fitting, but one of your better picks, so I'll let it slide.] [Halibut: I wish "Fuck You" was the soundtrack to the entire series, though.] The SB camp was now littered with armed members, just patrolling. Even though there were about 20 members guarding, that wasn’t even a quarter of the members they had to protect. In one tent, Mothra, Deli, Wumbology, and terminoob all played Go Fish. [Fa: Haha, go FISH! GET IT! DYLAN HOPES YOU GET IT!] [terminoob: Yeah, um...you all get to work, we'll just have fun.] [Hayden: If everyone is a fish do they all have to "go fish" at the same time every turn?] “Go Fish,” Mothra said. She took a card from the deck. “Go Fish.” She took another. “Go--” [JCM: Go Power Rangers.] [Fa: Dylan gives you a tutorial in case you forgot.] “Is this how we’re supposed to play?” Deli asked, looking at the instructions on the box. [Steel: Was that intended to create a joke?] “terminoob,” ssj said, walking in. “Can I talk to you?” [Steel: I've also been seeing a lot of "I need to talk with you" moments, but I'm not going to bother keeping track of that.] “About what?” “Well...I rather not say here,” he said. Without saying anything snarky, terminoob arose and followed ssj to his tent on the other side of camp. Inside, a table was set up in the well lit tent. [JCM: Nothing snarky? That's even more impressive for termi than it is for me.] “Please take a seat,” ssj said, gesturing to one of the chairs. He took one and ssj took the remaining one. “Now...I understand you and 70s were close.” [Halibut: "Please take a seat" ... "You and 70s were close" I'm not even gonna specify, I hope that this is universally understood.] “Nope,” he said. “Completely false.” [Hayden: Don't deny the sex allegations.] “Oh...,” he said. “Until we find 70s, I think you and I should act as the two temporary leaders.” [JCM: Don't. terminoob's terrible at acting.] “Leaders? I don’t lead. I’m apparently 70s ‘shadow.’” A shadow darted behind terminoob and ssj’s eyes grew wide. “What?” [Fa: 2010 SBC once more surfaces.] “Oh my god...,” ssj said. “Right when you said ‘shadow,’ a shadow ran behind you.” [Fa: Maybe it was Terminoob's?] [Halibut: COINCIDENCE, I THINK NOT!!!!1111] [Steel: HA, I GET IT.] [Hayden: TRIGGERED.] “What the hell are you smoking?” terminoob asked, not even turning around to see. [JCM: LSD is quite a drug.] [Hayden: We get it, terminoob is the skeptic in an impossible situation. Only so many times you can use this.] “You’re right...probably nothing,” replied ssj, shaking it off. “Now, then...are you sure you don’t want to help?” “I’m certain.” “Well...I guess that’s fine, then,” ssj said. “Damn straight,” terminoob said. He got up and leaned on the table. “May I go now, Captain SSJ?” “I guess,” ssj said, not certain. “But I’d really like you to reconsider...” [JCM: Being a tyrant gets lonely sometimes.] “No,” terminoob said. “I guess I was sort of a co-leader with 70s when we first got here, but I never---” He saw it. Right behind ssj, a shadow scampered across. “I saw it.” [Steel: Can you at least be clear?] “Saw what?” ssj said, scratching out ‘shadow’ on his mental list; he knew it was nothing. “The shadow, dumbass,” terminoob said. He walked towards the tent wall and ran a finger across it. Unexpectedly, a volt of electricity shot through terminoob. He was sent backwards, crashing over the table. “Nick!” ssj said, standing up. “Are you alright?” [JCM: Yeah, he was only electrocuted. No big deal.] [Fa: Using our real names again, eh?] [Steel: I know, Brady. It's pretty annoying.] “What the fuck?!” terminoob cried. “How’d you know my name?” “What do you mean?” “You called me Nick...that’s my name,” terminoob said. SSJ thought about for a second. “I...I don’t know...” [Fa: Twilight Zone.] [Halibut: 3spooky5me] [Steel: Down Under logic.] [Hayden: That's the cliffhanger we leave off on instead of the sketchy shadow.] ---- (“Chevaliers De Sangreal” by Hans Zimmer) MUST LISTEN [Fa: NO!] [Steel: But I don't want to.] [JCM: Sucks. You're listening to it, anyway.] [Hayden: I haven't looked a single one of these songs up, just to spite tvguy.] In camp, people sat together. SSJ delivered the message to the group. It was clear; they were in danger. They needed to move pronto. Sara and Ginger held on together. Despite their differences, they’d both lost the one they both cared about. [Hayden: ....OK? So they go from beating the shit out of each other, to not even being allowed to react to 70s disappearance. Now they get a line about coming together just because. Seems like this story skipped a few steps.] In The Graveyard, Frederick detonated the ship. It collapsed in on itself, and The Graveyard started to fall apart. Suddenly, all of Bikini Bottom shifted. Everyone screamed. Night went to day. The sky turned red. [Steel: Thunder rolled over. Plates are still being shattered. Nickelodeon still doesn't understand memes.] [Hayden: There's a fucking meme for ya.] “Will you marry me?” “I’ll kill you.” [JCM: I could have just taken a "no".] “Stop...stop...too much, David.” These voices were projected throughout Bikini Bottom. [Halibut: So dramatic!] [Steel: So vague!] [Hayden: ] 70s sat alone, dying. Blood gurgled out of his wound. His eyes were bloodshot. His hands were gripped tightly in fists. He gagged, blood coming up from his throat. He turned his head and saw Whaleblubber...he shrank, suddenly Luke. 70s then looked the other way and saw light coming from the door. He then looked up and gripped his chest. He couldn’t breathe. Blood was now pouring out of his throat. He shook, violently. [Halibut: Ew.] [JCM: Worst porno ever, man.] [Hayden: Tvguy seizure fetish.] In an instant, he was gone. [Fa: Once more I was just... bored. It's not that this series still isn't shitastically bad. Yeah, some of these spelling errors are ridiculously bad, the storyline remains the biggest clusterfuck imaginable, and I've given up on these characters becoming likable/lovable people. But it's just lost it's appeal of being so bad, it's humorous. I just want this dumpster fire to end for me already.] [Halibut: God damn, what was that? That was so dull and unexciting that it felt kind of empty. I think it's clear that Dylan has taken this spin-off WAAAAAAY too seriously, and I dread the next episode.] [Steel: Once again, a really boring episode, so those murderer messages and everything were nothing worth my time.] [JCM: Eh. That's all I have to say about this episode and every episode I've read so far. Just eh. I don't care about any of the characters. Don't care about the plotlines. Reading this has become a chore, and that's honestly the worst thing I can say about it.] [Hayden: I thought a finale was supposed to answer questions. Even just one. Tvguy really needed to merge his brain cells together and stop writing right here, but we have 3 more episodes of vague spooky mature audience stuff to go before Tvguy experiences his own sweet release of boredom.] Edited April 29, 2017 by jjsthekid 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 Okay, I understand him calling TV-MA for ages 15-17 instead of just 17. In the USA, "Mature" TV is classified as being for ages 17 and up, while in other countries, it can vary from 15-18. But TV-14 for ages 12? It says 14 right there in the rating... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpongeOddFan Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 15 hours ago, Metal Snake said: Okay, I understand him calling TV-MA for ages 15-17 instead of just 17. In the USA, "Mature" TV is classified as being for ages 17 and up, while in other countries, it can vary from 15-18. But TV-14 for ages 12? It says 14 right there in the rating... for Canada, it's 18+ so...that appliers to other countries, right? or different countries has their own tv ratings? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted May 9, 2016 Share Posted May 9, 2016 56 minutes ago, SpongeOddFan said: for Canada, it's 18+ so...that appliers to other countries, right? or different countries has their own tv ratings? Yeah, different countries have their own ratings systems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steel Sponge Posted May 19, 2016 Share Posted May 19, 2016 (edited) It's a little too late for me to bring this up, but I also forgot to mention that the 20th episode was the last for me to riff. Once this is completely done, though, I'll be willing to write out my final thoughts. Edited May 19, 2016 by Steel Sponge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jjs Goodman Posted May 20, 2016 Author Share Posted May 20, 2016 (edited) Down Under 21. Violets Are Blue AND IT RETURNS! [Fa: As do I for the final time in this story.] [Clappy: And you’re the only person smiling.] [Fred: Oh joy. It returns. Well, at least we're about to end it soon. Thank Lord Xenu.] [Hayden: Let's see if I've been given enough time to miss it.] Previously on Down Under...70s goes missing, apparently by some sort of thing. Meanwhile, the gang merges with the SBMers. However, weird things don’t cease to occur. They continue to receive mysterious messages after a group attacks them. In a shocking cliffhanger, 70s apparently passes on, while the camp still struggles to deal with the all the paranormal and odd phenomenons at camp...join the immensely popular show for it’s second season, full of twists, cliffhangers, and entertainment! [Hayden: That last line demonstrates how little Dylan remembers.] [Clappy: At least Dylan finally realized no one gave a shit enough to re-read what happened previously since it’s so forgettable. Btw, 70s didn’t “pass on”. Nobody passes on unless you are 4EverGreen or Goosebumpsfan. Hell, I give him until the end of this episode to be revived again.] (S2E1) Episode 21: Violets Are Blue [Clappy: Not funny.] [Hayden: Poetry in slow motion.] [Fred: Roses are red. Violets are blue. This spin-off hurts me more than it does you.] 2 Months Earlier [Fa: Does Dylan even know where this story is going anymore? Probably not.] [Clappy: It’s like Dylan is trying to drive us to insanity with all these time jumps. IT’S WORKING.] [Fred: I'm betting this whole show is just a big flashback. That's the way I see it.] The sky turned red. All of Bikini Bottom shifted. Voices boomed across the city, as everyone screamed. They were apparently conversations...certainly not from Bikini Bottom. [Clappy: Then where the fuck else would they come from? God, I hate this artistic dialogue for the sake of it painting a canvas that is still blank.] [Fa: Seriously, how much time has even passed? I really didn't think months have passed.] Wumbology sat in his usual position, by the fire. [Fa: What is his usual position? The fetal position? The missionary?] [Clappy: Where else would he be? No one else loves the fire as much as Wumbo.] He whittled away at a piece of driftwood, his eyes narrowed and concentrated. [Clappy: Wow, even the driftwood is getting more attention than whatever the hell scenery Dylan was trying to paint with those italics.] “Wumbology?” He looked up to see CF standing over him. [Clappy: Wow, no Eric? That’s a first.] She truly was beautiful; her bob cut was no more. She now had long, luscious, Shenae Grimes hair. Her smile was perfect, and the setting sun glowed around her, making her look like an angel. [Clappy: Hey Dylan. Instead of lurking CF’s reality image like you clearly were doing while writing this and adding some touches to make her Boobs McGee 2.0. How about remembering the fact that she is still a fucking sea leopard.] [Hayden: So CD eventually scored Darcy from Degrassi.] Shewas the one for Wumbology...at least he thought so. [Fred: And suddenly, this turned into a CF erotica.] [Fa: Okay, where the fuck did this come from? At all. Have Wumbo and CF even interacted in this story or was Dylan horny in the middle of writing this chapter?] [Wumbo: I want to uptown funk her up. Whoops, there I go thinking out loud again.] “Yeah?” he said. Wumbo set down his knife and piece of driftwood. “What’s up?” [Clappy: Your driftwood.] “Could you help me and Clappy over here? I’m moving into his tent today and---” [Clappy: And what other worldly possessions could she possibly have to move in with since she has been living in the internet world for what. How many seasons have gone by? How many years? Weren’t they supposed to be trying to find a way out of the internet? Wasn’t that their original end game? Exactly what the fuck are they even doing anymore? Sorry, I’ve been meaning to vent that out for a while now. Continue with your forced love triangle horseshit. I bet this will be very compelling.] “Oh,” he said. “Yeah...sure.” [Clappy: Compelling.] “Great!” she beamed, and hopped back over to her tent. Well...her’s and Clappy’s. [Clappy: Beamed? Why do I picture CF throwing a ball at Wumbo’s head, because inflicting pain is the first thought when I hear the word “beam?” And since this spin-off inflicts it…maybe Dylan used the correct word after all.] She’s with Clappy...great, Wumbo thought to himself. [Clappy: I always knew Wumbo had pent up bromantic feelings for me. Note to self. Watch out for Wumbo...or is it Eric?] [Fa: It's not even that these love triangles are incredibly awkward (which they absolutely are). It's that they're introduced absolutely out of nowhere and the people are characterized totally cringe-worthily.] [Hayden: Things are about to get IN TENTS. *is knocked out by an off screen thrown cinder block*] ---- (theme plays and Down Under: Red and Black swoops in) [Fred: "Swoops in"? The way you used that word in that context confuses me.] [Fa: And that was just the intro. Boy, I'm going out with a bang it seems.] [Clappy: What’s Black and Blue and Red all over? This series' chances of having a full second season.] (“The Swing” by Everclear plays) Working at the Los Angeles Sea World Aquarium was either tough or easy. [Clappy: I’m certain it would be tough since they aren’t anywhere near the fucking Los Angeles Sea World Aquarium.] [Fa: Whoa, slow the fuck down there. Why in the world are we in Los Angeles now? We were just in Bikini Bottom and that was 2 months ago. How long ago back was this? Seriously, is time even a concept in this story anymore...] Easy to work there, and tough to work for the fish. The aquarium was crammed in the late afternoon with visitors. One huge attraction was the famous octopus, nicknamed “80s” for it’s eight tentacles. [Fred: So he wasn't nicknamed after 70s?] [Clappy: I actually would have given this spin-off credit if Dylan had the balls to make 70s reincarnated as an octopus.] [Hayden: It has 8 tentacles, not 80 tentacles. Fucking trash nickname.] “Look mommy!” one little girl yelled in delight. “Look!” [Little Girl: It’s a spin-off that’s a load of barnacles!] [Mommy: Yes honey, I see the dumpster fire lit too.] “I see, sweetie!” the mother smiled, having her daughter sit around her neck so that she could see the octopus. [Clappy: Why the hell would she need to sit around her neck to look into the water? Isn’t that what an aquarium is for?] “Mommy...,” the little girl continued, still beaming. “There’s a man in there swimming with the fishy!” [Clappy: Homeless people need a place to swim too.] “What do you mean, honey?” The woman tried to see what her daughter was talking about. [Clappy: Once again, she’s only around her neck. It’s not like she can’t see too unless she's a midget.] “There’s a man swimming with 80s!” she said again. “Delilah...,” the mother said. “Are you sure?” [Hayden: Parenting points for taking your daughter seriously.] “Yup, Mommy,” Delilah replied. Suddenly, it floated into view. There, floating in the aquarium was a man named Calvin Reynolds, or known by others, that70sguy92. [Clappy: BAHAHAHAHAHAH! It wasn’t even the end of the chapter yet and 70s is already alive and swimming with an octopus with the same name. Holy fucking shit, this has to be one of the stupidest reintroductions for anyone or anything ever. This is so laughably bad that I seriously wish I can give this much better credit than it has any right for. Just wow Down Under. You continue to find ways to consistently surpass my expectations.] [Hayden: Well I'm more hooked than that octopus was when it was captured and dragged there.] (“The Swing” by Everclear ends) ---- (“Out of Control” by Lady Gaga plays) CF and Clappy (Cristina and Robert) [Clappy: Thank you. I was having a serious identity crisis.] engaged passionately, lip to lip on Clappy’s bed in his tent. [Fa: I hope CD isn't reading this...] [Clappy: You can use lips to kiss? Well gee, I’ve been doing that all wrong.] “Take it off,” she said through kisses. [Clappy: I’m sorry, I can’t comprehend what she’s saying through her kiss talking. Must be the fact that she's still a sea leopard.] [Hayden: Rawrrrr.] “Take what off?” Clappy replied. [Clappy: Did Dylan watch The Room while writing this dialogue? It’s so cringe bad, far more than it ever has been. Tommy Wiseau must have inhabited his soul, I’m convinced.] [Hayden: Take off her sea leopard fur. What else?] Clappy didn’t reply; he took off his shirt, and then his pants, and then his underwear. [Clappy: Can’t…unread…] [Hayden: Clappy didn't reply to himself?] “That’s hot,” said CF. She then proceeded to undress. [Fred: Yep. Still a CF erotica.] [Fa: I'm almost laughing to be quite honest, because I can't even see CF doing this at all.] [Clappy: Maybe if this was involving anyone else, I would find the hilarity in this. But knowing that I’m involved, I can’t help but cringe at it.] About half an hour later, CF and Clappy exited the tent, hand in hand. [Clappy: (to the tune of The Lonely Island - "I Just Had Sex") I just had sex. Ew. And it felt so forced.] [Hayden: I'm still on a lonely island while Clappy gets all that sea leopard pussy.] [Fa: I don't even know what else to say. This spin-off has truly just imploded upon itself yet again.] “CLAPPY!” a voice roared from behind them. [Clappy: Now that’s the sound of an angry sea leopard.] Steel walked right toward Clapmaster, snarling, and socked him in the nose. Clappy ripped away from CF and went down on the floor, blood gushing out. [Clappy: Stop it Steel. You know forced drama provokes a sea leopard attack.] [Hayden: Sea leopard or not, I can never imagine Steel being able to fight Clappy.] “What the hell?!” CF said. [Clappy: What the Down Under is going on!?] “You’re cheating on me,” Steel said. [Clappy: Oh boy, another love triangle…or is it technically a square now that Wumbo has a crush on CF? Didn’t Wumbo have a crush on Deli at one point too now that I stop and think about it? Is Wumbo still upset over the loss of his family? I need to stop asking questions.] “We were never together, you fucking asshole!” She dropped to her knees and used her shirt to absorb Clappy’s blood. [Clappy: Oh hey, CF took off her shirt again to clean up blood. She really is Boobs McGee 2.0.] “What happened?” he said, out of it. She said nothing, but look back at Steel and glare at him with devastated and angry eyes. [Clappy: What happened….WHAT HAPPENED!? Are you a fucking moron!? Were you DEAF!? God, what a painful and awkward scene this was. One of the worst I’ve read so far and I’ve read some truly awful scenes.] [Fa: Okay, I will say something: I'm so sick of these love triangles/quadrangles whatever the fuck they are. One, it's incredibly awkward to imagine users together because of the closeness this site has with one another, and this is even worse considering CF actually dates CDCB. Two, it often leads to such terrible characterization, such as CF here acting all flirty and cursing with Steel at the end there. It's almost possible for a great fic to do this right and Dylan just made it an ugly clusterfuck in Down Under.] (“Out of Control” by Lady Gaga ends) ---- (“Sober” by P!nk plays) [Fred: Which reminds me, I'm too sober to enjoy this.] [Clappy: You clearly need to be drunk to find any enjoyment out of this.] SSJ sat silently in his tent, scribbling on a piece of paper. [Clappy: Uh oh, I feel like an unbelievably stupid scene is coming.] [Fa: Oh yeah, SBMers are here too. I think.] “Hello?” Abney and Mothra entered, both looking depressed and saddened. “SSJ...” [Clappy: I would be depressed knowing that another forum had to be brought down with this shit too.] “Yeah?” he said, not looking up from the paper. [Clappy: Ssj is just trying to avoid the temptation of another forced sex scene. We already had one bad one, we don’t need a second.] “What are you doing?” they both asked in unison. [Clappy: Clearly ssj is avoiding the temptation of a threesome with the two of you, so he must obsess over a piece of paper.] “This was the latest message from them,” he replied. [Fa: The dreaded them. How horrifying.] [Clappy: Oh great. Them. I read that as more pointless OCs are coming.] SSJ finished and help the paper up against the light. “Dammit.” He set it back down on the table and continued to scribble. “What exactly are you trying to do?” Abney asked, the light from the setting sun glittering off his glasses. [Clappy: Eyes fluttering. Sun glittering. Ocean lapping on shins. Dylan sure has an odd obsession with weirdly worded metaphors.] SSJ had cut a whole in his tent, as he liked light when he was working. [Clappy: A WHOLE tent? Man, you sure love that glittering sunlight on your glasses.] [Fa: Okay, I try not to be a grammar nazi, but really, whole and not hole? C'mon man.] “Ever tried to make an imprint of a quarter by putting it underneath the paper and coloring the paper?” he asked. [Clappy: No. I have a life.] [Fa: What and why?] [Hayden: That's my usual Saturday night.] Both nodded. [Clappy: Come on you two. You both have to have more personality than doing things in unison.] “I’m trying to do just that,” replied SSJ, holding it up to the light and cursing. “Just without the quarter.” [Clappy: You rebel you.] [Fa: Ssj, the great leader of SBM, doing great things for the world. ] “I don’t understand...,” said Mothra. “How do you make an---” [Clappy: I think what you meant to say is: “I don’t understand. How do you not have a life?”] “Look,” he said, handing Mothra the paper. “This writing didn’t come from a pen. It’s obvious. [Clappy: Uh no. That’s fucking stupid.] It was etched in, using God knows what. And this paper...this paper is some of the first paper made, by the Chinese.” [Clappy: Google is clearly your friend. And this is still fucking stupid.] [Fa: Of course, those damn Chinese. Of course.] [Fred: Racist?] “The Chinese invented paper?” TTS (Face) entered the room. “What’re we talking about?” [Clappy: We’re talking about what Ssj learned on Google today. And how unbelievably stupid this scene is.] Mothra explained quickly and SSJ continued on. “Anyway,” he continued. “When I held it up to the light...I saw an image. But only for a split second. I’m trying to see if I can bring it back.” [Clappy: Okay, even if that was possible, you would need more than just heat to radiate some secret coding on a paper. Because all heat does is burn paper. You would need to get the paper wet with something and since Dylan has already proven time and time again with this spin-off that he has no idea where they even are anymore, I doubt he wrote this with the impression that they are already underwater. Myth busted.] “By coloring on it?” said Mothra. “That’s stupid. I’m out of here.” [Clappy: Thank you Mothra.] She turned to go, when a bolt of electricity rippled through the tent and crashed into Mothra. She was flipped backwards, and crashed headfirst into the table. Face and Abney jumped back in fright. [Clappy: Uh oh, Mothra used logic so the Down Under gods have to punish her for this.] “Oh my god,” SSJ said. He dropped to Mothra’s side, as blood dripped out of her skull. There was a cut underneath her left eye and a long gash on her right arm. [Fa: Don't worry, she's not dead as Dylan doesn't know how to kill off characters.] “Jesus....,” [Clappy: I think you mean Calvin 70s Reynolds.] Abney muttered under his breath. “I’m...er...leaving.” He turned around and tried to poke through the flaps, but found it wouldn’t open. He tugged desperately and started to yell. “SSJ, it won’t fucking open!” [Clappy: Wait a second. Wait one fucking second. Dylan FINALLY realized Abney is a guy? Holy shit, does that make the contrived notion of their sex scene from last season even more hilarious that Dylan actually corrected his mistake. The least he could have done was kept Abney a girl now because all those lurkers out there will be even more confused with this spin-off than I guarantee that they already were.] “Kind of busy, Abney,” he rasped, applying pressure to Mothra’s wound. Abney, exasperated, started to pound his fists on the flaps. Suddenly, the sound of wind whooshed through the tent and little volts of electricity began to oscillate through the material the tent was made up of. [Clappy: Uh no. That’s not how it works. The tent doesn’t conduct electricity, dumbass.] Outside, the camp didn’t move whatsoever. It stayed absolutely still, like it was still SSJ sitting in the middle of it, doing his work. [Clappy: So nobody cares that Mothra was basically electrocuted and Ssj went straight back to work. Wow, I didn’t know the B in SBM stood for Bastards.] (“Sober” by P!nk ends) ---- “Hello,” a voice said. “Hello.” 70s vision became clear and he saw The Mastermind sitting on a table in front of him. 70s ached all over and there was bloodstains all over his disgusting and pungent smelling clothing. He tried to move in his chair, and found that he was handcuffed to it. [Fa: It's me, five years in the future.] [Clappy: Okay, wait another fucking second. Wasn’t 70s JUST swimming with an octopus? JEE-SUS. This is the most blatant example that Dylan pretty much gave up on writing a coherent timeline anymore.] “What the hell, man?” snarled 70s. “Who the---” “My name is Daniel Corzona,” the man said. “Or, as you know me, the Mastermind. [Clappy: OKAY, THAT DOES IT. I MAY FORGET THINGS EASILY WHEN IT COMES TO KEEPING UP WITH THIS PIECE OF SHIT, BUT THE LAST CHAPTER I RIFFED STATED HASSAN WAS THE MASTERMIND WITH FOUR NAMES AND NONE OF THEM INVOLVED DANIEL FUCKING CORZONA.] [Hayden: Damn Daniel, back at it again with the master plans. *gets cannon's worth of garbage shot at*.] Apparently, I killed myself. Apparently, I did not. It’s all fucked up down here.” [Fa: It's all fucked up there too, man.] [Clappy: Hehe, Dylan basically admitting that his storyline makes no sense….No. No. No. I’m not taking this as an excuse for Dylan fucking up the continuity. Five or more episodes of convoluted nonsense is understandable, but there were only two episodes between this one and that one. That is pretty damn inexcusable to me.] “What’s apparent is not fucking relevant,” growled 70s. “WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE?!” He restrained against his bonds and shook in the cuffs. [Hayden: Because Dylan demanded you be in another scene instead of keeping continuity. He's kind of obsessed with you.] “Easy there, tiger,” Daniel, or The Mastermind, said. [Clappy: CF and Steel aren’t here.] He eyed 70s; not with suspicion, annoyance, or even anger, but with curiosity. [Clappy: Is Daniel riffing this too?] Daniel got off the table and walked to the other side of it, where he took a seat across from 70s. “Now, Calvin.” [Fa: Thanks for reminding me of his name, because you didn't just tell me up there.] “Don’t call me that,” he grunted. “You don’t deserve to call me anything, you son of a bitch.” [Clappy: Whoa, easy there with the Down Under terms of endearment. We’ve already had enough of that this chapter.] “Calvin, I’d like to work with you!” said Daniel. He outstretched his hands dramatically, and then pulled a folder out from under the table. “Look at this.” “I...can’t...,” 70s glared, shaking his handcuffs subconsciously. [Fa: So he was consciously trying to not escape?] “Look at this page,” he said, tapping a picture paper-clipped to a few papers. [Clappy: Yes Dylan. That’s what a paper clip does. It holds things together...which your thoughts clearly don't do.] 70s eyes grew wide; on the page were several pictures of himself, tvguy, Deli, Jelly, and just about every other friend he’d ever met, and some he didn’t know. [Clappy: If he wanted said photos, he could have just gone to Reality Images of SBC Contributors like Dylan clearly did with some of his descriptions for these people.] “This is a whole lot bigger than you realize,” Daniel said, continuing to flip through the photographs. [Clappy: That’s also a sexual innuendo.] [Fa: So I guess he's no longer the Mastermind? He wasn't that smart anyhow, I thought.] [Hayden: Our user database has indeed expanded.] ---- (“Two Steps from Hell” by Dragon Rider plays) “Look!” Unlike the original Spongebob and friends, regular Bikini Bottomites had blended in with the rest of the group...except Scooter. Scooter just had to be different. “I found an old issue of the Bikini Bottom Daily!” [Clappy: Look! This is your bi-chapter reminder that this is still a SpongeBob spin-off!] [Fred: Of course he's different. He's the only one to experience high tide!] “Hmm?” Wumbology said. He was sitting in his usual spot by the fire, reading a book of sea tales. [Clappy: I mean, where the fuck else would he be? Seriously, give Wumbo something to do dammit.] “Take a peek,” said Scooter, grinning. He handed Wumbo the newspaper. “I found it buried on the outskirts of camp!” [Hayden: I thought Bikini Bottom was a wasteland without side character citizens. Glad they got back from their black hole vacation.] Wumbo glanced at the front page and frowned. “Scooter...you found this on the outskirts of camp?” [Clappy: So that’s where Jjs buried the remains of Scooter’s Paradise.] [Fa: No, he found a dead body and just decided not to report it.] Scooter nodded. They’d moved camp, and were now just at the end of main street, on the edge of Bikini Bottom. “Well...um...if I’m correct, this issue is from today,” he said. Wumbo got up and walked over to his tent. Ever since they’d come, he’d kept track of the date, as he remembered the date right when they’d entered down under from his laptop clock. [Fa: Hahaha, get it? DOWN UNDER! The name of the show! CLEVER DYLAN STRIKES AGAIN!] [Clappy: Oh hey, he does remember. Then Wumbo, can I ask on behalf of all of us with functioning brain cells, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE? These people sure have been hanging out around their tents anymore. Exactly what purpose are they serving just hanging out around their tents? Are they fighting The Mastermind? Are they just hanging out around Bikini Bottom? Good lord, I’m repeating myself. But hey, if Dylan can constantly repeat himself, why the hell shouldn’t I repeat my own riffs?] [Hayden: Newspaper is a dying literary art. I'm glad Dylan is giving it the attention it has long needed.] He leaned down to the marks on a piece of paper, thought for a moment, and then looked at Scooter. “Is it from---” “Yes,” he said. [Clappy: I don’t get it. What is it from?] Wumbo sat on his bed and examined the newspaper. Headlines read things like “Mayor Passes New Law” and “PE Teacher Arrested for Lewd Acts.” It was as if Bikini Bottom life was going on normally...he needed to talk to SSJ. He got up and stormed past Scooter and jogged to SSJ’s tent. [Clappy: Here’s a newspaper headline: DOWN UNDER: STILL CONFUSING.] “SSJ!” he said. He tried to pull open the flap and found that it was shut. He tried again and then cursed under his breath. “OPEN!” He then went to his last resort and used his power. [Clappy: Oh yeah, Wumbo has magical powers. How easy could I forget something as crucial as that? Quite easily, because Dylan has barely written him using said powers since he got them. I don’t even remember when he got them and if it wasn’t for Trophy briefly mentioning it in his riff for 18, I would have forgotten altogether too.] He waved his hands and fired exploded onto the flaps. Electricity and fire intertwined up into the air with a powerful force, knocking everything back. Everyone outside looked up in a combination of awe, panic, and fear. Wumbo stood up, having been flung over a table. He walked towards the spiraling column of energy and saw the fire lapping around everywhere. He raised his hands again, trying to regain power. [Clappy: Even kindergartners can paint a better picture than this, because none of these visuals make any damn sense.] Inside the tent, Abney leaned on the flaps, on the verge of tears, and fell backwards. He hit sand saw the vortex above him. [Clappy: The sand saw the vortex above Abney?] Abney slid backward, and into another tent. SSJ dragged Mothra into the next tent, and continued to work on her there. [Clappy: Oh yeah…Mothra is still…dead…severely injured…whatever the hell was wrong with her.] Suddenly, Wumbo collapsed on the ground and the volts of electricity disappeared just like that. [Fa: So I guess Ssj is evil now?] [Clappy: I still don’t get what Wumbo’s powers were, but they were clearly underwhelming.] (“Two Steps from Hell” ends) [Hayden: I think we're closer to Hell than that.] ---- “The electricity ended RIGHT when Wumbo passed out,” terminoob said. As just about everyone else was either busy or gone, terminoob confided in Ex. “Could it be possible Wumbo is the inside guy they told us about?” [Clappy: Gasp, you mean the guy who betrayed you all to Redman ISN’T the inside guy? More mind blowing obvious hints at 11.] “Doubt it,” Ex replied. “HIGHLY doubt it.” [Clappy: Of course you doubt it. You clearly have nothing going on up there based off of your past actions in this spin-off.] “Haven’t you even considered it?” asked terminoob. “He was willing to trade in 70s and I.” “Wumbo is loyal as hell, terminoob,” Ex sneered. “He wouldn’t do a dick thing like that!” [Fa: Well actually, he did...] [Clappy: Shows how little you’ve actually interacted with these guys, Ex.] [Hayden: Ex was off screen pissing when the drama with Wumbo went down.] “Whatever.” terminoob turned and left, unsatisfied and frustrated. [Fa: Yeah, I'd be unsatisfied if I was ignored, even if I was totally right as well.] [Clappy: Man, you sure give up easy. No wonder you and 70s were easily betrayed.] ---- [Clappy: Was that really even worth a scene?] (“Rock Show” by Lady Gaga plays) [Fred: ] Wumbology sat in his spot by the fire. His eyes stared wide and tiredly at the fire. [Clappy: FUCKING A- MAN. Do something else. It's not that hard.] [Hayden: Wumbo's creepy fire thing is starting to seem suspicious.] “Doesn’t that hurt your eyes?” Wumbo turned to see CF standing there. She looked like an angel in the glittering night. “Eric?” [Fa: Back to first name basis, I guess.] [Clappy: Speak to Boobs McGee when she’s talking to you, Eric. Someone is clearly concerned with your hobbies.] “Oh...no,” he replied. “Not at all.” “How?” She smiled and took a seat next to him. Normally, she wouldnt feel attracted to him. But...somehow, when they’d been zapped into Bikini Bottom, they’d been all raised to the same, adult age. There seemed to be a spark between them. [Fa: Dear lord, not this AGAIN.] [Clappy: You just NOW mentioned that everyone was an adult? Gee, couldn’t you have made this detail…oh I don’t know…IN THE MOTHERFUCKING PILOT EPISODE!? YOU CAN’T JUST GO CHANGE THE RULES NOW BECAUSE IT’S CONVENIENT FOR YOUR OVERCOMPLICATED LOVE TRIANGLE/SQUARE/PENTAGONS WHATEVER FUCKING SHAPE YOU WANT THEM TO BE.] [Hayden: So Dylan is going "All Grown Up" style with SBCers. I'm glad we found this out before it was canceled.] “It just doesn’t...,” Eric (Wumbo) replied. [Fa: Okay, could Dylan at least pick the names he wanted to call everyone by? It's season 2 now folks!] [Clappy: Thank you. I clearly needed to remember his real name. Not like you mentioned it 192038254935 times already, asshole.] [Hayden: Why doesn't he remind us of everyone else's real life name as often?] “Oh,” nodded CF. She, too, looked at the fire. When Wumbo didn’t say anything else, she looked at him and saw that his eyes were tied into the fire; she could the fierce reflection in his eyes. “Maybe it isn’t healthy to stare this long...” [Clappy: It isn't healthy. Not in the slightest.] [Fa: No, it isn't really, but nobody has done anything healthy in this series, Ms. Random Sex Machine.] “It’s perfectly healthy,” he said blankly, without any emotion whatsoever. [Wumbo: Hold the mayonnaise.] [Clappy: I wish I could read this spin-off without any emotion whatsoever. It would be less painful that way.] “Ok, then...” CF got up and walked away. Wumbology’s hand began to twitch and he grabbed a twig and twiddled it in his hand, before using it to write aimlessly on his arm. [Clappy: Wow, emo much? Also a twig wouldn’t be able to write aimlessly on your arm. It’s not a pen, pencil, or marker. Stupid stupid stupid.] [Hayden: Twigs are the new hip self-harm tool.] ---- It was cold. Ice cold. Bob Ball shivered on the floor, his blue veins popping out. His hair was wet, his eyes white, and his fingernails long. He shook violently, liquid covering him. [Fa: Oh yeah, Bob Ball is still here.] [Clappy: Okay, these metaphors are REALLY starting to wear thin on me. At least describe what kind of liquid. Is it blood? Water? Engine fluid? Pee? ELABORATE.] A man stood over him, looking cruelly down on Bob Ball. This man was Hassan; he now wore a black robe that made him appear all the more mysterious. A knife sat in it’s sheath, waiting to be broken out and used. [Clappy: I believe you forgot your gun Hassan.] [Hayden: Wearing a black robe does not make you look more mysterious. It makes you look like a caricature.] “W-w-hat do you want,” Bob shivered. [Clappy: This chapter to end. It’s super bad.] Hassan said nothing. He looked away and stalked away. Bob sighed a sigh of relief when Hassan came roaring back. He jammed the knife in and out of Bob violently, screaming. “YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO STOP THEM! YOU FAILED! YOU FAILED! YOU FUCKING FAILED!” [Fred: CAPS SHOW EMPHASIS ABOUT HOW FUCKING ANGRY I AM] [Fa: Oh my god, is there any reason why Hassan became a murderer all of a sudden? ] [Clappy: Okay, this actually made me chuckle a bit. Like I’m trying my hardest not to picture Kylo Ren throwing one of his stupid temper tantrums in The Force Awakens. Because this is exactly the type of over reactive comedic horseshit that is going on right now.] [Hayden: ] Blood slowly trickled out of the many wounds littered on Bob Ball’s nearly frozen corpse. Hassan began to slowly sob, his face scrunched and pained. He then got up. His eyes turned red. They were slits. His neck cracked and stretched out. Dripping fangs sprouted in his mouth. [Clappy: No.NO NO NO NO NO NO. IT’S ALREADY BAD BIKINI TOP DID THIS SHIT BADLY. WE DON’T NEED DOWN UNDER DOING THIS EVEN WORSE. EXACTLY WHEN DID HASSAN SHOW ANY SORT OF SIGN OF BEING A VAMPIRE PRIOR? YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP ON THE FLY (ONCE AGAIN). GOD, THERE HAVE BEEN ONE TOO MANY FACEPALM MOMENTS IN THIS CHAPTER. THIS SERIES KEEPS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE. *breathes in and out* Calm down Clappy. Only two more episodes and the pain is over.] Scales all shoved out of his skin at once. Sharp claws replaced his toenails and hands. He moaned, because swallowing Bob Ball’s remains in one. [Fa: Okay, that was gross and grammatically incorrect.] [Clappy: Don’t worry readers. Bob_Ball will return in an episode or two from now. Just because he was eaten doesn’t mean he’s dead. If Down Under has proven anything, it is a big fuck you to logic. Nobody ever dies. Even after cannibalization.] ---- (“Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin) [Clappy: I’m sorry, but are you reading this spin-off too? How can I be happy?] [Hayden: I'm not worried, but I'm unhappy.] [Fred: Okay, obligatory Futurama reference out of the way. ] Clappy picked up an enormous load of driftwood and poured it into the fire. “Hey!” Wumbo said. Clappy stopped, and looked at him. [Wumbo: Don't touch my fire!] [Fa: Oh joyous joy, he forgot he was mad at Clappy for stealing his girl, which was actually Steel's girl, which actu- Nvm.] “Yeah...?” said Claps, looking at Wumbo curiously. “Here’s a little song I wrote, you might to sing it note for note...don’t worry...be happy!” he cried, looking up at the sky. [Clappy: Uhh no. If anybody was acting socially inept a few pages ago, it was Wumbo. How can he go from being moody as fuck into breaking in song and dance? I blame Glee. Fuck you Glee.] “What the hell are you smoking?” Clappy shook his head, dumped the wood in the fire, and walked away. [Clappy: Most valid question asked this chapter.] [Hayden: I knew Clappy would say one Clappy-like thing eventually.] [Fa: Walked? I'd run if I were you.] “DON’T WORRY!” Wumbo screamed, following him. “BE HAPPY!” [Fred: Don't tell me to be happy, I'm fucking pissed.] [Clappy: DON’T WORRY. CALL FOR HELP. WUMBO CLEARLY NEEDS IT.] Clappy rolled his eyes, entering his tent. Wumbology followed. [Clappy: Uh oh.] “Oooo, ooo, ooo oooh oooh!” he hummed. [Clappy: See Clappy? This is the kind of shit you get for interrupting Wumbo and his fire.] “Dammit, Eric!” Clappy said. “Shut up!” [Fa: Once more, Wumbo or Eric? Pick one.] [Clappy: Eric didn’t shut up. He proceeded to annoy Clappy to death. He then threw his body out of the tent and the Rusty Train rolled on.] He started to dance. [Lady Gaga: JUST DANCE!] [Hayden: He really is the inside guy torturing them from within.] “DO THE WAVE, CLAPPY!” Wumbology screeched. “FUCK YEAH!” [Clappy: Well this line clearly is too WTF to riff, so I’ll let someone else do this for me. Instead, I’ll point out that this reminds me badly of when Dylan use to mysteriously quote song lyrics for no apparent reason except to seek attention negatively.] [Hayden: "Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth" would've been the better line to screech at Clappy.] “Wumbology, seriously, get out. D--” [Clappy: Die? Dick? Dylan? We’ll never know what D word he’s going for.] “No,” said Wumbo, suddenly. His eyes narrowed. He slammed into Clappy and raised him off the floor. “Don’t fuck with me. Understand?” He twitched a little bit, before setting Claps back down. [Clappy: Listen, if you want to fuck CF that badly, take her. She’s a sea cat. Have your Canadian way with her.] “Um...,” mumbled Clappy, as Wumbo left in a huff. [Fa: Well, that escalated fast from happy dance party to near murderous rampage.] [Fred: "Don't Worry, Be Completely Psychotic Against Your Best Friend" has a good ring to it, now that I think about it.] Pissy, much? thought Claps. [Fa: More like schizophrenic much?] [Clappy: More like emotionally unstable much. Seriously, WHAT THE HELL WAS THIS SEQUENCE?] [Hayden: My favorite sequence in a while to be legit honest.] (“Don’t Worry Be Happy” ends) [Clappy: Thanks for ruining that song for me, Dylan.] ---- Hassan prowled outside of a Shell City hangout. [Clappy: Hey, an actual location from SpongeBob. Let's see how long it takes to ruin it.] He leaned against the iron gate, smoking, as people flowed in and out. [Clappy: One second. A NEW RECORD! Because when I think SpongeBob, I think smoking.] The joint was filled with mostly teenagers, looking to smoke pot and marijuana, or to have sex. [Clappy: A place full of illegal activities being performed by teenagers. Why does such a place exist? Why the hell don’t the cops know of this and shut it down? That place is seriously screaming “arrest me please”.] [Hayden: More like Edgy City instead of Shell City.] Hassan’s hair was tousled, his jeans and shirt ripped, and his shoes torn up. He looked like your average punk. [Clappy: Yet he’s still not tough enough to enter The Salty Spittoon.] “Hey man,” one fish said, staggering up. He held a bottle of beer in one hand, and a dildo in another. “Do you have *burp* boobs?” [Fa: Interesting combination there.] [Fred: No, I have shit tits.] [Clappy: Oh man. I think I might have reached the holy nirvana of bad Down Under dialogue with this last sentence. It’s so bad that one riff won’t do this sequence justice: 1. So they are fish? MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND. 2. A beer and a dildo? Name one person who would actually hold onto both things at the same time. Not this one fish. I mean an actual person. Because that is one fucking stupid combination. 2.5. And if such a person does exist, I fear for humanity. 3. Burp boobs? What a nice alliteration you got there. 3.5. Are you sure this person is drunk? Just because you are holding a beer in one hand, doesn’t mean he is intoxicated. I’ve seen people reek of desperation trying to fake their alcohol consumption. And when I think of fake people like that, they would pretend to act fake drunk by saying lines as stupid as asking a guy if they have boobs. And burping right before the word boobs might I add. 4. Hassan is a guy. So unless he’s overweight as fuck, then no. He doesn’t have boobs.] Hassan said nothing; he flipped his hair out of his face and scowled. [Clappy: I don’t blame you Hassan. I would scowl at someone that fake too.] “Is that a *burp* no?” Before a reply, the young man collapsed on the ground. “Dammit, Johnny!” Hassan looked up, to see a gorgeous blonde fish striding over. “I told you not to fucking drink!” [Johnny: You are TEARING ME APART, LISA!] [Clappy: Yeah, Johnny. You have high school to attend tomorrow like a normal teenage fish person.] Hassan eyed it, and smiled. “Is he your boyfriend?” “Yeah,” the woman said, rather sulkily. She looked at Hassan and a smile conjured up on her face. “Hey... I’m Avril.” [Fred: Avril? Avril Lavinge?! There, predictable joke #1 out of the way.] [Clappy: Sulky blonde teenage girl acting “rebellious” named Avril? Might as well make her Canadian why don’t you. Also, hi and bye Avril. I don’t expect to see you again after this chapter like all the other pointless OCs.] “Ha---,” he began, but stopped cold, for two reasons. Number one, he saw someone behind Avril. Number two, he needed a new name. “I’m Harold.” [Fa: Because his name is obligated to start with an H whether it's fake or not.] [Clappy: Yeah, because you clearly need a new name after having such an identity crisis over the last few episodes. Didn’t you say Hassan stood for four names? Just pick a different one.] “Nice to meet you!” smiled Avril. She noticed Hassan’s restricted gaze. She turned around to look, and saw a man walking angrily towards them. “Who’s that?” [Man: This place is only for people who have a purpose for this chapter. None other. I must get angry with him.] “Move,” rasped Hassan. [Fa: The cold is really getting around down there in ocean.] “What?” “MOVE!” He pushed her out of the way, as the man transformed into a black wisp. [Clappy: Fun fact. When I first learned what a wisp it was, the original definition was a small thin child. Now that I know there are multiple wisps, I assume Dylan means a cloud of smoke, but I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of my first definition.] It charged towards Hassan; he snapped into his monster look, and defended himself as the man in black wrapped itself around Hassan. His eyes bulged as the black smoke secured itself. [Clappy: What the actual fuck is going on here and why?] “Harold!” screamed Avril. She got up and ran at the smoke. “No,” Hassan mustered, but it was too late. Avril slammed into the smoke... and she went right through it. Suddenly, the smoke snapped back into a man. He now sat on the floor, sputtering. Hassan gazed back at Avril. [Clappy: He vanquished the smoke to win this teenage girl’s heart?] “I like you,” she said plainly. She grinned. [Hayden: Go resolve your daddy issues with another douchebag vampire, Avril.] “I like you,” Hassan replied. [Fa: What the fuck just happened there and why?] [Clappy: Okay, let’s rewind this a bit. In what feels like forever ago in this chapter, all the SBCers were ass pulled to adults when they went Down Under. Let me repeat, ALL OF THEM. At the beginning of this scene, they reiterated that this club was for teenagers to have sex and drink. So Hassan (a full grown adult) likes Avril (a teenager). Congrats Hassan. You are not only The Mastermind (DON’T THINK FOR A SECOND I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN THAT SHIT) and a vampire. You are also now a pedophile.] [Hayden: Hey, that means Hassan finally gained a new character trait!] ---- “Who took these?” 70s asked, speechless. “And how did you get them?” [Clappy: Oh yeah…they were looking at pictures or something. I forgot this after the rest of this abomination of a chapter.] “That...,” said Daniel, “is not what concerns you. What concerns you is why they were taken.” [Clappy: Oh hi, Not Hassan. You don’t exist. I don’t believe you were real. That is what concerns me.] “Who the fuck do you think you are? One day you’re calm, the next day you’re homicidal,” 70s said. “Jesus....” [Clappy: No 70s. YOU’RE JESUS. REMEMBER?] “Calvin, what you’re looking at here is part of one of the world’s largest coverups,” Daniel whispered. [Clappy: That’s not a coverup. This whole Mastermind identity crisis is an even bigger coverup.] “What? How does a coverup have anything to do with myself and my friends?” [Clappy: You know, 70s has a fair point. All of the billions and billions of subplots that are existing in Down Under, what do ANY of them have to do with him and his friends? As I’ve stated already, they are just people who SHOULD be trying to make their way back home. But instead, we have to worry about yet another subplot that will be dropped at the end of this chapter. It will be abandoned in The Graveyard….hey, I guess it does serve a purpose. It’s a Graveyard of abandoned subplots in this spin-off. Which has to be chalk full at this rate.] “Trust me, it does,” he said. He passed another picture across to 70s. “Do you know what this is?” [Clappy: Something that will be forgotten by the end of this episode?] [Fa: Okay, just trust the non-mastermind here.] [Hayden: I trust this guy even less than I trust Dylan to use the next two episodes wisely.] 70s eyes widened. “Um... is this some sort of sick joke?” [Clappy: No. This chapter is a sick joke.] “Work with me here, Calvin,” snorted Daniel. “We need to work together or I promise you, you and your friends will die here in The Graveyard, and in the real world.” [Clappy: Trust me, they are all dead on the inside at this rate anyway.] “Fine, fine,” sighed 70s, exasperated. “Explain.” “Take a look at these two other pictures.” He slid two more photos over. [Chad Kroeger: ERRY TIME I DO IT, IT MAKES ME LAUGH] “Okay.....,” he said. “Again, what the hell does this have to do with us?” [Clappy: …I swear to 70s, this chapter has had one too many instances of the chapter riffing itself.] “A lot,” Daniel said. “The Holy Grail, The Philosopher’s Stone, and Mount Rushmore. Take a look at this last picture.” [Clappy: You know. All things that exist underwater along with Los Angeles and all these other shark jump locations in this episode.] [Fa: Oh god, did Dylan plan to make this a Harry Potter/National Treasure crossover? Thank God that never came to fruition.] “It’s an alien ship,” 70s said. “A saucer. What the fuck does this---” [Clappy: That’s what you are what the fucking? You swam with an octopus in Sea World at the beginning of this chapter and then jumped locations instantly. ALIENS are the what the fuck instance for you in this chapter?] “Calvin, there is a dangerous semi-Catholic group called The Seven Deadly Sins. [Clappy: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. YOU’RE SHITTING ME, RIGHT? Of all the conspiracy theorist groups you can call yourselves, you chose this? Oh man…I can’t take the rest of this paragraph seriously. Let alone them wanting to deal with a small SpongeBob forum.] I had my pet capture you, there were messages left for you at the camp. Those messages were left by SDS. They are extremely cunning, as well as power hungry. They are currently pursuing both The Philosopher’s Stone and The Holy Grail, and they have reason to believe that it’s in your camp,” he said. [Clappy: Let me ask the good sized portion of atheists that actually inhabit SBC of what use they would have with such religious artifacts. HAHAHAHA STILL FUNNY.] [Hayden: I'm a Haytheist.] [Fa: Can we assume Dylan was smoking SOMETHING when he wrote this now?] [Fred: Where am I now? Am I reading the same spin-off as Down Under? Did jjs switch spin-offs on us at the last minute? What's with this photograph nonsense all of the sudden and how come every time I look at it, it doesn't make me laugh?] “What about the saucer and Mount Rushmore?” Daniel sighed. “That’s where you currently are. Mount Rushmore.” 70s said nothing. [Clappy: I don’t blame you. I’ve had enough reactions at this rate to all the other BRAIN NUMBINGLY STUPID instances that have gone on in this chapter that I’m all out of rage and frustration at this rate. Why not add one number and what purpose does this or any of my other riffs serve?] [Hayden: Skimming is the only way to make my brain not shrink when reading Down Under.] ---- Atop Mount Rushmore, everyone from the Spongebob group sat in a large circle, eyes closed. They were down under. [Peter: Oh, he said the title, Lois! He said it!] [Fa: HAHAHAHA, DOWN UNDER! GET IT! Anyhow, I'm so glad I'm done with this monstrosity. Between the grossly mischaracterized love shapes, the twenty different OC's that went nowhere and now apparently some fucked up religious group conspiracy, this thing can only get worse. This is easily along with Zaid's spin-off as one of the worst things to be riffed because at the heart of it all, DYLAN MEANT THIS TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! Let that sink in for a moment. Anyhow, this was my last one and I'm out at last!] [Clappy: BOO! GO FUCK YOURSELF DOWN UNDER! This is by far one of the worst chapters of ANYTHING that I’ve ever riffed for Jjs. This is beyond irredeemable at this rate and has a well-deserved spot for it on my Top 10 Worst Spin-offs/Lits in SBC history (for me). I think it was many episodes ago that I questioned how much worse this can get. I think I have FINALLY hit that boiling point. There is no way in hell this spin-off can get any worse, right? I mean you have a controversial sex scene that was warned so far in advance by Jjs that nearly everyone wanted to be a part of for riffing. Yet somehow, that stupid sex scene wasn’t even in my Top 5 moments of rage and frustration in this chapter. Wow Dylan…just wow. I would say that I’m done..but I still have one more chapter left to riff…joy.] [Fred: Alright, WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP WITH THIS EPISODE?! From the Clappy/CF sex scenes to Wumbo acting like a drug-induced maniac to a burping OC to this Mount Rushmore plot. This spin-off is seriously SpongeBob Meets Eddsworld levels of messed up. I am not embellishing that. Now if you need me, I am going to be saving up all of my energy and rage for once we plant this sucker. Words cannot express how much I loathe this spin-off.] [Hayden: ] Edited October 14, 2017 by The Lich 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minty Car Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 I feel for the people who are riffing the final two eps. I really do 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metal Snake Posted May 20, 2016 Share Posted May 20, 2016 I think this show's biggest problem is that no one even knows what the hell these protagonists and antagonists are even doing. Jjs already pointed out how the SBC users don't seem to really give a shit about going home, and going a bit deeper...do these villains give a shit about anything? Seriously, do most of them do anything besides scream, kill each other, and dick around? The prime example is Hassan. He betrays his friends for no explained reason, then has sex with Ginger for no explained reason, then tells them an illogical story about him being the Mastermind for no explained reason, then he turns into a beast for no explained reason, and then he's a thug at a bar because I guess that's his hangout space. The whole point of giving villains complicated plans that seem odd at first is to avoid cliches and keep the readers in suspense, but because this story never provides an understandable motive for villains like The Mastermind, Ginger, and Hassan, it's impossible to care about what they're doing. You can't twist or turn something that isn't even established, and it actually leaves you wanting a cliche villain plot (like taking over the world) because at least that leaves room to write something fun that the readers can grasp and enjoy. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clappy Posted May 21, 2016 Share Posted May 21, 2016 Sad thing is that even after my riffing for 21 is over, I'm still trying to peg when Hassan no longer became The Mastermind. I mean I openly admit that this spinoff has become impossible to keep track of for certain events, but how the hell do you forget who you made him only three episodes ago? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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