Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[Sweat]

That was a pretty magical adventure. It'll actually be kind of refreshing when we go back to riffing small didn't-even-try lits that were completely forgotten because of how badly written they were.

[Estonia]

Oh, shoot. I missed my chance. Aw well. I find something, obsess over it for a week or two and for get about it. Sorry.

[SpongeOddFan]

good job to riffers on spotting on in last ep of SBCPU,

[Jjs Goodman]

What Happens on Conch Street?

 

1. TV Changes

Spoiler

S1 E1 --- TV changes

[Metal Snake: Tell me something that I don’t know.]

[Jjs: Well everyone, we're back with a small scale show, which I'm sure you've missed! So what do we have on the menu today? After doing some digging, I found another show from Wumbolo, the creator of World of Gloves. Yeah, I'm sure we're in for a show that will make a lot of sense.]
[Trophy: World Of Gloves creator, what drugs do you have in store today?]

It is a normal day in Bikini Bottom.

 

[Jjs: Don't get too specific.]

 

SpongeBob sleeps a bit longer while Squidward is happy to have a rest without SpongeBob's annoyance. SpongeBob wakes up.

[Trophy: Even with the alarm?]

[Jjs: Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs.]

[Metal Snake: It is a normal day of riffing on Jjs’ Riffing Theater. The riffers make jokes about fanfiction while their audience goes about their days without the nuisance of the internet. The riffers don’t care because this exposition is pointless and poorly transitioned.] 

„Good Morning, Bikini Bottom! Good Morning, Sun!“

 

[uncle Grandpa: Good morning!]

[Trophy: Good morning quotation marks, dying out from stupidity, huh?]
[Metal Snake: Good Day, All-Caps!] 

Patrick watches TV. His favourite TV Show „World of Gloves“ is popular.
 

[Jjs: ...Self-inserts much? Also, this is a very confusing self-insert at that. Fun fact: This show was actually posted before World of Gloves, so technically Patrick is watching something that hasn't even premiered. Audience, there is only one logical answer...

 

A.) Patrick has some connection with some site that leaks television episodes in advance.

B.) Patrick is a wizard.

C.) Patrick is just so dumb he can defy logic.

D.) Fairy God Parents.

E.) Dinkleberg.

 

Take your pick.]

„Wait! Today's no World of Gloves!“ and cries.

[Trophy: DO I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO MAKE AN ADVERTISING POLICE JUST FOR THIS GUY NOW BECAUSE I EFFIN WILL!]
[Metal Snake: Isn’t that the saddest thing you’ve ever seen? A line of dialogue and a conjunction shedding tears…]
[Jjs: So basically that self-insert was for nothing. Thanks for ruining my joke, Wumbolo. That's the last time I try to ever find anything fun in one of your works.]

 

Squidward hears Patrick crying and can't listen that. 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: and can't listen to that]

[Jjs: Squidward ain't got no time for that.]

 

He becomes angry and looks through the windows. He screams at Patrick to stop.

 

[Jjs:  ]

„Patrick, what are you doing!?“

[Patrick: Putting a coin in Mystery's "coin slot". *gets kicked to farawayville*]

[Jjs: Wumbolo, what are YOU doing? You're still using commas as quotation marks!]

„My favourite TV series don't begin.“

[Metal Snake: Patrick don’t know why talk like Tarzan. ] 
[Grammar Police: Did you mean: my favorite TV series doesn't begin

Actually, nothing fits here, so screw it anyways.]

„And that's so important!?“ Squidward becomes more hopeless. He goes to the Bikini Bottom cemetery.

[Metal Snake: Wait, Squidward just lost hope...because Patrick...whined about TV?! Guess he’s not an internet forum guy…]
[Jjs: Wow, Squidward really doesn't want to be in this spin-off, does he?]

„Yes!“

[Trophy: There's your answer Metal.]

SpongeBob goes to catch some Jellyfish and when returns, goes to Patrick. SpongeBob notices that Patrick cries this morning.

[Metal Snake: Spongebob jellyfishing is relevant to the plot...how? Good lord, I can’t believe there was a time now where I thought that episode of SOF’s talk show was the most poorly paced and inconsistent thing I had read…]
[Jjs: So SpongeBob goes jellyfishing, and also somehow knew at the same time Patrick cried earlier? Does he have ATTWL 3 70s' teleportation powers?]

„Why are you crying, ol' buddy?“

 

[Patrick: This spin-off...the words hurt my head! What do they mean?!  ]

„World of Gloves doesn't begin.“

[Trophy: BREAKING NEWS! The Grammar Police just bombed itself because this was too much work. Now back to Jimmy Proton Definitely Not Son Of Hugh Neutron with the weather.]

[Metal Snake: “World of Gloves didn’t begin.”

Good god, why does this story hate the past tense so much? ...And proper quotation marks for that matter… ] 
[Jjs: One does not simply begin World of Gloves. I wouldn't want to either after what I witnessed...]

„When should it begin?“

„At 9 AM.“

Before SpongeBob could say anything, the Show starts!

[Trophy:... The

plot....doesn't....work.....like.....that.....PACINGPACINGPACINGPACINGPACINGPACINGPACINGPACINGPACINGPACINGPACINGPACING!]

[Metal Snake: ZOMGWHATATWISTTHISPLOTISSOENGAGINGNOT] 

„See Patrick! Today it starts at 11 AM.“

[Trophy: HE WAS CRYING FOR 2 HOURS?]

[Jjs: Wow, you can really feel the conflict, guys. I was just so on the edge of my seat wondering if Patrick would get to watch his "favourite" show!]

„Why?“

„I don't know.“

[Metal Snake: And I don’t care. I hate to be brutal, but that “plot” was more poorly written and bemusing than a modern-day Family Guy Z-story.] 

SpongeBob goes home to feed Gary. Gary is so hungry in last few days that SpongeBob needs to buy five Snail Food packs.
 

[The Count: That's five, five Snail Food packs! Ah ah ah!]

 

„Meow“ says Gary happy.

[Metal Snake: Public Service Announcement, Wumbolo. 

Dull filler =/= Story]
[Jjs: Another PSA: Please learn how to properly use adjectives as well. Looks like Wumbolo really did follow some half-assed PDF of a thesaurus.]

Meanwhile in the cemetery, Squidward lays some flowers at his Hopes and Dreams.

 

[Jjs: I'm sure this relates to the plot somehow. Or Wumbolo got lazy and just stole a joke from an episode I'd rather watch. Probably the latter.]

To be continued…

[Metal Snake: Uh...yeah, what is there to continue, exactly? I’m curious…]

[Trophy: My god, I actually miss Bikini Top, at least 70s tried something TO BEGIN WITH!]

[Jjs: Well, I don't know how he did it, but somehow Wumbolo made another episode of this. I'm as shocked as you are. How can you continue nothing? A question many scholars have tried to answer for decades. Looks like we'll get our answer to this mystery next!]

 

2. New TV

Spoiler

S1 E2 --- New TV

 

[Jjs: A new tv, eh? Sadly, no matter what tv you watch this "show" on, I doubt it'll get any better. But I applaud the effort.]

The next day is Monday.

 

[Jjs: This spin-off is not Garfield approved.]

 

SpongeBob goes to the Krusty Krab to cook some Krabby Patties. Mr. Krabs sells his old TV for $7 000. He doesn't know which newer TV to buy.

[Trophy: Wait, what?]

[Metal Snake: Oh Wumbolo, you are the only writer I know who can not even maintain consistency within three lines of details.] 
[Jjs: $7 000? Since we don't know if a comma or decimal is supposed to follow the 7, I'm going to assume Mr. Krabs is selling it for $7 to keep himself in character.]

„One Krabby Patty without cheese, please.“ says Fred.

[Trophy: EXPOSITION POLICE!]

[bubble Bass: YOU FORGOT THE CHEESE!!!]

Later this day, SpongeBob tells Mr. Krabs that they have a big problem.

 

[spongeBob: Boss, the story isn't making sense! What do we do?!]

[Mr. Krabs: No worries me lad, the author will find some way to make a stupid line from earlier turn into a stupid plot! Or maybe he'll talk about money. Probably both.]

 

Mr. Krabs says SpongeBob to go to his office.

 

[Jjs: At this point, there's no use in pointing out the grammar flaws, so from now on when I'm at a loss on what to say for a line, I'll post this:

]

„Mr. Krabs, we have less and less customers. Today no customers wanted Krabby Patty with cheese. Why?“

 

[Jjs: You soiled it.]

[Trophy: Oh, so this doesn't count for Exposition Police? I'm fucked by them then.]
[Metal Snake: WHAT NO WAY]

„I think that Krabby Patties without cheese are too cheap. I'll try to make Krabby Patties without cheese a bit more expensive, and with cheese a bit cheaper. The Krabby Patties with cheese cost two times the burgers without cheese.

 

[The Count: That's two times the cost, two times! Ah ah ah!]
[Trophy: ...A plot.... that's realistic? *blows up*]
[Metal Snake: A seemingly random line of dialogue was actually tied in with the story...what sorcery is this?!]

„But that's not ok.“

[Trophy: And the bad dialogue has revived me, yay....]

Mr. Krabs goes to edit the prices for Krabby Patties. Plankton returns from Barg 'n Mart and shows Karen what he bought. He bought a new grill, a vacuum cleaner and a net. Patrick does nothing at home.

 

[Jjs: So what plot are we going with here? The title of the goddamn show is "What Happens on CONCH STREET?", and so far the second episode only involves the Krusty Krab and Chum Bucket. We're two episodes in and the creator can't even keep consistency with what they want it to be about. Hot damn, and here I thought World of Gloves was bad...actually, it is still is, but this is just as bad.]
[Trophy: Plankton must be super strong, no seriously, in the show he wasn't THAT strong, and I didn't know he took up Jellyfishing or has a weird net obsession, and why do we care about Patrick?]
[Metal Snake: God, I’m beating a dead horse at this point… 

CONSISTENCY.
COHERENCE.
ENJOYABILITY.
BROWNIES. 

The four things EVERY story should have, whether they go for “So Bad, It’s Good” appeal or not, and this story has none of them. This is UNREAL.] 
[Trophy: Darnit Metal, stop stealing all the good riffs.  ]

„Wow. I really like this World of Gloves. Look, SpongeBob!“ and brings in the SpongeBob made from a pillow.
 

[Jjs: Please stop the self-inserts. I'm sure most people have seen my riffs on World of Gloves by now, and if you haven't, read them after this! Now that's a good self-insert!]

Meanwhile, Mr. Krabs goes to Barg 'n Mart to look for some new TV.

[Metal Snake: All these boring and meaningless subplots are making Bikini Top look like Shakespeare…]
[Jjs: Well, if this show can have a ton of pointless subplots, why can't my own?

Subplot #1: Jjs wonders what he's doing with his life.

Subplot #2: Trophy plans world domination.

Subplot #3: JCM makes a cameo.

Subplot #4: Hank Hill wants to know why there's FIRE ANTS ON THE LAWN.

Subplot #5: ssj makes a Family Guy reference.

Subplot #6: Metal Snake is already typing his reply to these riffs before he even reads this subplot.

 

See, I can write filler too, it's not rocket science.]

„They're all too expensive!“
 

[Patrick (Runaway Sponge): I can't choose! They all look so nice.]

 

Plankton returns to Barg 'n Mart because Karen remembered him that he didn't buy everything they needed. He notices Mr. Krabs.

 

[Jjs: This might just be me, but I think the dull descriptions in this spin-off are a bit better if you read them in Morgan Freeman's voice.]

'Oh, Mr. Krabs... You're not at Krusty Krab, but I think it wasn't locked when you went out...'

[Trophy: *gets too many calls at the Grammar Police hotline* SLOW DOWN, I'M GOING FASTER THAN SUPER SONIC OVER HERE!]
[Metal Snake: Uh oh! Mr. Krabs have went out of Krusty Krab!]

To be continued…

[Metal Snake: This was dreadful...UNSALVAGEABLY bad. Irrational, muddled, inconsequential, and worst of all, BORING nonsense. Sorry, but I hardly had any fun reading or riffing this. It just didn’t even CARE that it sucked.]

[Trophy: 70s I say I am SOOOOOOO SORRY CONSIDERING YOU PUT IN EFFORT TO YOUR SHOWS, OR AT LEAST TRIED TO, I'M SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME JUST TAKE THIS AWAY! *genie grants wish* YAY! LATER SUCKERS! *hightails it outta here with chaos control*]

[Jjs: So, what does happen on Conch Street? Apparently nothing.

 

Guys, this was bad. I mean, really really bad. Not even So Bad, It's Good bad. Both this and World of Gloves flat out sucked. Wumbolo did nothing to convince me in either he was trying. I was a bit more passive on World of Gloves, but when you have TWO shows about basically nothing, that's not good. If these were meant to be trollfics, then they weren't very good ones at all. At least some trollfics can give a small "Heh" out of them. Hell, both of these make me apologize to other shorter shows like Squidward's Childhood, Patrick V.S. World, ect. They at least tried to tell stories. World of Gloves gave some riffing material, but this was just nothing. Wumbolo sir...are you sure you aren't a trollfic writer? Well, hopefully I can find one more shorter scale show before we tackle SBCPU S2, and hopefully it's not another Wumbolo work, as my brain can be blank so many times.]

[Joe Biden]

Well, that was one heck of a riff. The spin-off wasn't at the same So Bad It's Good level as Bikini Top, but more of a Patty Daddy level. I look forward to riffing with you guys later on.

[Metal Snake]

Good job, Jjs and Trophy. Rereading my lines, they were not as bad as I remembered, but I still could've done better. It was just painful to read all the same fatal flaws from Wumbolo's other show again. >.<

[So Sejima]

Good job, Jjs and Trophy. Rereading my lines, they were not as bad as I remembered, but I still could've done better. It was just painful to read all the same fatal flaws from Wumbolo's other show again. >.<

But it was such a good show, after all WoG had this incredible line if you remember: „You will be late on our hangings!

 

yes I have the fake quotation mark just for proof that it was actually a line in something.

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBob: Diaries of a Serial Killer

 

1. Pilot

Spoiler

[Jjs: Welcome back everyone to Riffing Theater! This next show is a bit obscure, but some may recall it. It's none other than "SpongeBob: Diaries of a Serial Killer". Our good buddy Fa created this back in 2010. While I love Fa and all, I have to admit this was definitely his weakest work, and even Fa has told me he regrets making it till this very day. I won't give away too much, but you will notice Fa slowly began to rip-off a certain work Elastic and I created around this time. So, let's see how this holds up.]
[Fred: Oh and a certain member named Fred Rechid joins the Riffing Theater. Let's not forget about that guy.]

 

Episode 1 "Pilot"

[Jjs: If I had a dollar for every time someone did not use "Pilot" for the first episode, I'd have one dollar.]

[OMJ: They're always misleading. I bet there won't even be any real pilots in here at all.]
[Electric Eel from "Enchanted Tiki Dreams": How original.]

 

It was a young, beautiful morning in Bikini Bottom fields. It was of 10 in the morning,

[OMJ: Too young.   ]

 

and the air was of cool and brisk, creating a calm and gentle-like atmosphere.

[Metal Snake: These prepositions are of distracting.]

Then, a giant tractor emerged into the scene, carrying two men and a small airplane, fit for practicing in inexperienced pilots.

[OMJ: Oh, well. This story is already full of surprises.]
[Metal Snake: The plane practices IN pilots? Yuck…]
[Jjs: Two men? Did the ghosts of Two and a Half Men come into this spin-off now?]

Spongebob then gets out of the drivers side of the tractor, and gets the fuel tank out of the back.

"Patrick, I need you to fuel the gas tank THROUGHLY! And when your done, tighten the gas cap lid, and then tell me when your done, so I can fly. Understood?" Spongebob instructed.

[Trophy: Throughly?]

[Fred: Are you sure this is an episode and not just a deleted scene for The Sponge Who Could Fly?

[Metal Snake: Wait...Spongebob and Patrick? Hello? They’re the pilots because…]
[Jjs: At least now the "Pilot" title actually makes sense for once.]
[OMJ: sorreh jjs, I took your joke. I would never let that starfish near any flammable substance.]

"Got it, buddy!" Patrick happily replied.

[Jjs: Translation: What did you want me to do again?]

10 minutes later, Spongebob was in the cockpit of the plane, starting up the engine, and ready to fly. Patrick gave him the "thumbs up" to fly high, and then Spongebob took off.

[Jjs:  ]
[Trophy: This actually sounds good so far.]
[Metal Snake: ...They’re the pilots BECAUSE…]
[OMJ: "slicing off Patrick's thumb as he peeled down the runway.]
[Fred: 

]

 

At first it was a majestic showing of grace, and excellence in flight. But then, The engine made an evil croak of jest and hate, as it yelled "empty" repeatedly.

[Jjs: wat]
[Trophy: Evil croak?]
[Metal Snake: “Evil” “Jest “Hate”

Words that should not be used to describe the actions of an emotionless object.]
[OMJ: First the morning was young and beautiful, the air was cool and brisk, and now the engine is evil and empty. What's next, SpongeBob's pants were dirty and square, the SHAPE OF EVIL?]
[Mermaid Man: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLAH!]

 

He then crashed into a nearby Nuclear Power Plant, that supposely sealed his fate, and destroyed the cool and peaceful atmosphere of the day.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: supposedly]
[OMJ: Why must the good die at 10 in the morning?!]
[Trophy: Wait, what happened now? What power plant, the Springfield Power Plant? Also, I take back my earlier riff.]

 

And Patrick sucked his hand untill he realized what was going on and called the police.

[OMJ: In his defense, he did just lose a thumb.]
[Metal Snake: I can only imagine how that phone conversation went…

“Yo, coppers! I forgot to tighten the gas cap on my friend’s plane and he crashed into the side of a nuclear facility! Am I going to jail for manslaughter?”]
[Fred: Oh hey, this is like that one episode of Family Guy where Quagmire's plane fell because Peter unscrewed the gas cap. Except with SpongeBob characters. Do you have any input on this, Eel?]

[Eel: How original.] 

 

According to the police records, the body was never found, and it was shown that the plane's fuel cap was off, causing all the fuel to empty rather quickly. Bikini Bottom became throughly depressed as a town and whole.

[Jjs: I knew Patrick's stupidity would one day kill someone. Sick bastard...oh. Oh. The title is "SPONGEBOB: Diaries of a Serial Killer"...yeah, if you're going to try to throw the audience off track, at least don't make it obvious.]
[Trophy: Again, "throughly".]

[Fred: Does anybody even check the red line under the word anymore?!]

[Metal Snake: They’re SAD now that Spongebob’s dead? While I’d like to believe they’d be, Gone pretty much confirmed that everyone in Bikini Bottom hates Spongebob, the bastards.]
[OMJ: The police probably thought he turned into a zombie and walked out.]

Three weeks pass after the incident, and at the Nuclear Power Plant, a mutant-like square figure came out of the area.

[Jjs: GEE I WONDER WHO THIS COULD BE?]
[OMJ: The Toxic Yellow Avenger?! But hey, I wasn't too far off with the zombie thing.]
[Fred: Square like figure. Hmm, is it Jeff from Clarence?]

 

It was late at night, so no one saw this creature walk towrds the home of Patrick Star.

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: towards]
[Trophy: DID YOU USE SPELL CHECK?]
[Metal Snake: No one in Bikini Bottom is a night owl. Yay, plot convenience!]
[OMJ: They were probably just too stupid to notice, because come on, it's Bikini Bottom we're talkin' bout here.]

Patrick had recieved

[Trophy: SPELL CHECK!]
[Grammar Police: Oh my...we're going to have to fill out a long sentence for this spin-off, and it's only the first episode! Not a good start.]

large amounts of hate mail, blaming him for Spongebob's death, and had become somewhat of a social outcast.

[Metal Snake: Wait, how did they know that Patrick was responsible for maintaining the plane’s fuel tank? It’s never explained…]
[Jjs: Maybe Patrick accidentally confessed to the police when they bribed him with a doughnut.]
[OMJ: You sure that's not just hate mail from fans of the actual show?]

Then Spongebob entered the house.

[Jjs: Ohai SpongeBob.]
[OMJ: Patrick would be stupid enough not to lock the door, er...rock.]

"You fucking bastard" he yelled as he slapped Patrick.

[Trophy: Happy see you again too, buddy.]
[Jjs: YOU KILLED ME, YOU BASTARD!]
[Fred:  ]

 

"ahh, your alive, Spongebob!?" Patrick said frighteningly.

[Trophy: Patrick would sleep through that though...]
[Metal Snake: He’s so scared, he forgot to capitalize his sentence!]
[Jjs: He was also so scared that he forgot to express any emotion!]

[Fred: Too scared to notice his grammar as well. It's "you're", not "your".]

[OMJ: I don't know who to be more scared of here, SpongeBob or Patrick?!]

"Your damn right I am! And because of you, I'm a terrible mutant!" Spongebob replied back. "So you know what I'm going to do?"

[Metal Snake: “I’m gonna hit ya! And you’re gonna fall down…”]
[Jjs: Become a Teenage Mutant Ninja Sponge?]

[Fred: Settle it with some tea?]

[spongeBob: *wrenches bolt* The squeaky bolt on your door was driving me crazy!]

"W-what" Patrick said shivering.

"I'm going to make you pay for what you did!" Spongebob yelled.

[Trophy: By turning him into a mutant?]
[OMJ: No more free refills?]
[Jjs: By also turning him into a Teenage Mutant Ninja Sponge?]

[Mr. Krabs: Did someone say "pay"? I love money!]

 

Spongebob then picked up a picture of him Patrick and broke it apart. He took a piece of glass from it, and stabbed Patrick mutiple times. Without a fight, Patrick Star had lost his life,

 

[Fred: 

]

[Jjs: Well, that got dark fast. RIP Strange Patrick. We barely knew ye.]
[Trophy: Or not, and by not I mean continuing not to use spell check.]
[Metal Snake: Patrick didn’t try to fight back or flee because...another plot convenience, yay!]
[OMJ: That both escalated and de-escalated quickly.]

and Spongebob Squarepants was about to unleash a Great Reign of Terror on not just Bikini Bottom, but the world!

[OMJ: Will SpongeBob team up with Plankton in his new quest for world conquest? Will Patrick's door ever stop squeaking? Why am I asking you all these questions?! Oh Mermaid Man, WHERE ARE YOU? That aside, I hooked myself onto this riff because it's a spin-off about serial killing, and I've written some myself so I thought my vast knowledge of cartoon murders will come in handy. This was just ridiculous and out there and makes for some good laughs, honestly can't wait to see where it goes for however long it does.]
[Trophy: Wrong use of capitalization: RIP Grammar Police.]
[Metal Snake: “First Bikini Bottom, then...THE WORLD!”]
[Jjs: The Great Reign of Terror sounds pretty rad. Sadly, the rest of this is not so rad. Sorry Fa, but so far this just feels very strange. It's an interesting idea, but the odd storytelling and grammar is hurting it. I won't lie though, like Prince Neptune it is kind of amusing, so let's see where this goes...]

​[Fred: It's the apocalypse! Office supplies falling from the sky!]

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBob: Diaries of a Serial Killer

 

2. Your Fucking Medicore

Spoiler

Episode 2 "Your Fucking Medicore"

[Jjs: But my Fucking Medicore is priceless! You can't take it!]
[JCM: Is your core out of whack? Then try MediCore! (Not FDA-approved)]
[OMJ: Hey! I am not a SpongeBob: Diaries of a Serial Killer!  ]

[Fred:  ]

Spongebob stood in shock. He was staring at the dead, bleeding body of his best friend Patrick Star.

[Trophy: Didn't he already leave the house or was the lack of spell check that strong on me?]
[Jjs: Just fuck it already. A little necrophilia won't hurt this already strange show anyways.]
[OMJ: At least he didn't die at the young age of 10 AM.]

He had committed an implusive
 
[JCM: I'm plus I've]
 
murder of Patrick, due to some residing anger that had built up in him.

[Jjs: I don't know man, I think if my best friend accidentally almost killed me in a fiery plane crash, well...that'd just be okay.]
[OMJ: Thanks for the friendly reminder. It already slipped my mind.]

He knew he could not just leave Patrick to bleed, and leave all the evidence behind.

[Trophy: So as a mutant he left him on the island to let the seagulls get to him.]
[Jjs: At least SpongeBob knows to clean up after himself, unlike a certain vampire from Bikini Top...*stares at Arianna*]
[OMJ: I'm sure no one would care anyway, he is Patrick STAR, the guy who does nothing more than anyone else.]
[Fred: "We'll have to stow his body in the freezer like Mr. Krabs and I did with the Health Inspector!]
[JCM: Also, doesn't everyone think SpongeBob is dead? He can just move to another city, and no one would be the wiser.]

He would need to cover up his inflence

[Trophy: SPELLCHECKSPELLCHECKSPELLCHECKSPELLCHECKSPELLCHECK!]
[Jjs: Okay, three strikes and your out. "Medicore"? "Implusive"? "Inflence"? I'm trying to spare the Grammar Police some pain here, but it's difficult. I'm not trying to be mean to Fa here, but it definitely seems like proofreading was not the first thing on his mind with this story.]
[Fred: Did you even grammar your sentence?]

in the crime. He decided he would need help from someone he knew well (or thought he knew well): Squidward Q. Tentacles. Squidard
 
[Trophy: *readies typo sinking missile* READY, AIM, FIRE!]
[JCM: *singing* We're off to see the Squidard! The wonder Squidard of Oz!]
 
lived steps away from Patrick, so it would not be hard to get over to his house. And so Spongebob walked over to Squidward's house.

[Jjs: To Squidward's house!]
[OMJ: That house has seen some weird shit over the years, I doubt a dead body would shake it to it's core, let alone a radioactive sponge zombie monster thing.]
[Halibut: Squidward's house couldn't be trusted with looking at Patrick's secret box, how could you trust it with this?]

 

When he entered Squidward's quiet home,
 

[JCM: It's quiet. Too quiet.]
[OMJ: Now Patrick I could understand, but Squidward forgetting to lock his door?! I guess SpongeBob's death has made him safer in his own home.]

it was dimly lit, the walls were covered in green slime,

[Trophy: Wrong place, unless the KCA's just happened.]
[OMJ: I'm sure that always happens.]
[Fred: There's a wild man-eating clam in the backyard!]
[Halibut: The Hash Slinging Slasher may coming!]

 

and rats were amongst the area.

[Trophy: Sea-rats? I thought Gary was enough for hi- wait, what the heck happened to Gary?]
[Jjs: Are we riffing Patrick V.S. World again?]
[OMJ: Don't you mean urchins?]

The stove was burnt to the ground, the flies darn not
 
[JCM: Darn knots!]
 
enter thy house, and dung lay on the grounds of the house.

[Trophy: Are you sure the plane didn't hit Squidward's house?]
[Jjs: Those are some Edgar Allen Poe-level descriptions, thy friend.]
[OMJ: At least the rats have more balls than the flies.]
[Fred: I darn not riff thy episode much further, for I may contract something from this bad grammar.]
[Halibut: Well, at least Fa made the lit a little classy.]

 

Spongebob walked up the unstable cardboard stairs that lead up towards Squidward's room. There he heard manic laughter in Squidward's voice, with a mixture of sadness and perverted happiness in his voice.

[Jjs: Ah, now we're in Squidward's Suicide.]
[OMJ: I think it's best not to interrupt Squidward's sexy times.]
[Chris Hansen: Have a seat, Mr. Tentacles.]
[Halibut: Ummmm... cardboard stairs? What was used to build this house?]

 

"Squidward? Are you ok?" Spongebob asked.
 
[JCM: If he was, he won't be now that he knows you broke into his house.]

"OH SPONGEBOB! YOUR ALIVE! OF COURSE I'M FINE!" Squidward said with an unusual tone of voice.

[Trophy: This is now Bummer Vacation?]
[OMJ: I'd say he took that mildly well.]

Squidward then begins to play his clarinet in the most awful tone one could imagine.

[Trophy: This must be where ukinojoe got the We Gotta Get SpongeBob Back idea from.]
[OMJ: So like every other time Squidward plays a clarinet.]
[Fred: E minor! All right! Yeah!]

It drove Spogebob
 
[JCM: Who's Spogebob? Is he a friend of Squidard's?]
 
a little crazy.

[OMJ: Because killing your best friend in cold blood wasn't crazy enough. This is what'll really push him over the edge of no return!]
[Fred: Trying to stop it is futile.]
[Halibut: This isn't a musical doodle, this is a musical scribble.]

 

"Please stop that right now, Squidward!" Spongebob yelled.

[Jjs: I'm sure he'll stop because you said the magic word.]

[JCM: If he doesn't, try saying "pretty please with sprinkles on top".]

 

Squidward plays louder and harder.

[Trophy: So SpongeBob is a mutant: HE HATES SQUIDWARD'S MUSIC!]
[OMJ:  ]

[Fred: Number of times the "Squidward's music is terrible" gag is used: Way too fucking many times]
[Halibut: What does this have anything to do with the story?]

 

Spongebob's face changes cues to the same terror-filled face Patrick saw as he was murdered.

[Trophy: Changes cues?]

[JCM: Can you move it along? I'm all out of cue cards.]

[OMJ: Gosh dangit SpongeBob, haven't you learned already from Face Freeze to not make anymore faces?]

 

"I TOLD YOU TO FUCKING STOP!" Spongebob yelled.

 

[Jjs: Hey, that was uncalled for! You didn't even say "please" this time!]
[Fred:  ]

He then grabbed the clarinet, and stuck it down Squidward's throat with pure anger. He then twisted the lungs into an oddity of a shape, and pulled them out of Squidward's body, and punctures every ounce of blood from it..

 

[JCM: SpongeBob's almost as unpredictable as that sentence's verb tense.]

[Trophy: Double periods, so we can't tell if ellipses or not. Also, what oddity is the shape? I MUST KNOW MAN!]

[Halibut: Well, that sequence was frightening.]

[Jjs: R.I.P. Strange Squidward. We hardly knew ye.]
[OMJ: Damn, at least Patrick inadvertently sorta caused your death. Squidward was just playing a fucking instrument and he still went out louder and harder.]
[Fred: What are you doing, man?! Don't you remember the last time you made Squidward's re-eeeeeeed go down his throat?]

This murder was different. Spongebob acted premediatedly in killing Squidward.

[OMJ: Patrick's death seemed more premeditated than this.]

[JCM: No! That time, he went to Patrick's house with the express purpose of killing him! This time, he went to Squidward's house for a different reason and killed him in the heat of the moment! Fa isn't wrong at all! You're just a dummy dum dum!!!!!1!]

 

Spongebob then decided to clean up both murders. He walks down the stairs, but then falls into a step, and a giant gash of blood comesrusing out of his leg.

[Jjs: SpongeBob must have some pretty frail legs if they can be broken open that easily.]
[OMJ: The guy can barely lift two marshmallows, I'm not surprised.]
[Halibut: Comesrusing? I don't even know what that word was supposed to be.]

 

He finds a used band-aid,

 

[OMJ: How convenient and fucking unsanitary. Then again, he is a radioactive zombie monster thing.]

and grabs two other important itms

 

[JCM: Then he kills the letter e in "items" just for good measure.]

 

before he leaves: a rustistic knife,

[Trophy: Dying...tell SOF I'm sorry.]

[Halibut: Now he's just making up words.]

[OMJ: It's funny how I look this up on google and this is the first result I get:

 

 ]

 

and a black sharpie left untouched by the dirty miskeepage

 

[JCM: I can't even]

 

of the house. He gets a hunger- for a Krabby Patty!

 

[Jjs: Oh no! He's going to murder a Krabby Patty next?! NOOO, YOU MONSTER!]

[Halibut: This spin-off is a piece of art.]

[OMJ: I know, I know! This is when you twist the story for To Love a Patty and make SpongeBob not only a crazed, radioactive serial murderer, but also a food sex fiend because why the fuck not. It's what I'd do.]
[Trophy: No explanation on Squidward? Um, okay then.]
[Fred: Eh, this wasn't as riffable as the pilot was, but it certainly was interesting and I'm looking forward to what the rest of the spin-off is like.]

[JCM: I'd love to riff this line, but I just got a thirst- for a root beer!]

[Metal Snake]

I'm starting to wonder if Fa was trying to do a stealth parody of these kinds of fanfics.

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBob: Diaries of a Serial Killer

 

3. Money Bags

Spoiler

Episode 3 "Money Bags"

[Jjs: Now he's going to kill my favorite Spyro character?! Fa, you've gone way out of line this time!]
[OMJ:  ]

Spongebob limped away from his street, and Squidward's house, to escape somewhere.

[Jjs: Don't get too specific.]
[OMJ: He's not gonna at least check on Gary? It's been, like, a year.]

He knew for a fact that no hospital was open this late, or on a sunday for that matter.

[Jjs: What kind of hospital doesn't even open on Sunday...at night?]
[OMJ: Then again, it is Bikini Bottom. The almost Mattress should speak for itself.]

[Halibut: The doctors simply left work early to watch Sunday Night Football.]

He decided he would find some salt and grease to add a healing-like feeling to his gashed leg wound. He knew where to find a limited supply of grease- the Krusty Krab.

[OMJ: Or can't he just, y'know, regenerate since he's a sponge?]

[Halibut: Salt on a wound... SpongeBob, you fucking dumbass.]

 

So, he slowly limped his way through the dark, lonely, depressing streets

[OMJ: The streets in a nutshell, folks.]

to make it back to his world-famous, character defining job at the Krusty Krab.

[Jjs: I'm wondering how Mr. Krabs is going to react to seeing a presumed dead person.]
[OMJ: Probably try to make him a sideshow attraction for profit.]

But when he arrived he was indeed quite shocked. There was a giant sign that said "soon to be demolished, to make way for some other unneeded place for social gatherings to occur."

[Jjs: Church?]

[Halibut: Comic Con?]

[OMJ: Uhhh, The SpongeBob Community?]

 

Spongebob was shocked that his death had forced things to change so much in Bikini Bottom.

[OMJ: That place could've been shut down for a variety of different reasons. The cheap bastard once tried to sell an old, moldy patty for crying out loud. Don't sell yourself too hard, Mr. SquarePants.]

He then walked into the Krusty Krab, and was knocked out immediately!

[Jjs: Great, now someone has spiked the water supply.]

[Halibut: Good thing a bucket of gas didn't spill on him. Otherwise, Fa would've had to cut this part out.]

 

Spongebob awoke tied up in a burlap sack, and in a dimly-lit room. He saw pictures of himself all over the wall, all covered in bloody red marks, and then a krab-like figure appeared before him.

[OMJ: Sandy?!]
[Jjs: Well, this went from a dull try-hard murder story to 50 Shades of Grey in the blink of an eye.]

He spoke with an uncontrollable tone of voice.

[OMJ: Somebody call in the Voice Whisperer.]

"So now, you finally come back to makes me some money, mi boy!" Mr. Krabs forcefully tells Spongebob.

[Jjs: So many dirty jokes I could make with this line.]
[OMJ: Well lucky for you, Mr. Krabs, he's got plenty of holes going in.]

"Mr. Krabs, I can't just do that. I-" Spongebob starts to say until he is interupted by Mr. Krabs

[spongeBob: I've got a wife and three kids!]

[spongeBob: I'm actually dead, and you can see dead people! WAHT A TWIST!]

 

"Now now, mi boy! We can do anything for you! I can give you a raise, an office, lunch breaks-"Mr. Krabs says joyfully until Spongebob interupts him.

[OMJ: I would figure Krabs would just stop at a dozen free glasses of water.]

[Halibut: SpongeBob will definitely find an office useful after joining Mr. Krabs' prostitution business.]

 

"MR. KRABS! I HAVE TO RUN AWAY FROM BIKINI BOTTOM BECAUSE I IMPULSIVELY MURDERED TWO PEOPLE!" Spongebob yells in his sternest voice.

[Jjs: Nice job, SpongeBob. Telling an innocent bystander that you just murdered two people totally won't cause any problems. Then again, Mr. Krabs might try to use the murder gig to make some money.]
[OMJ: Especially someone who would sell you out for 62 cents.]

"You murdered people! Well the police are going to want to give a CASH reward" Mr. Krabs said joyously to himself, but loud for Spongebob to hear.

[OMJ: So, not to himself.]

[Halibut: That line... made no sense.]

 

Spongebob realizes he has to act fast before Mr. Krabs grabs him by the hand to the police station. He then notices the fryers

[Jjs: Rev up those fryers, because I'm sure hungry for one-HELP! *is murdered by SpongeBob*]

that Mr. Krabs had turned on were sizzling at a high temp. of 120.

[OMJ: That's like 200 degrees lower than the recommended temperature for frying French fries.]

[Halibut: Maybe sponges fry at a colder temperature.]

 

He then hits Mr. Krabs with a hard push from his right hand, and sends Mr. Krabs to fry towards his death,

 

[Jjs: I'm getting flashbacks to Steel "gently pushing" CD off the roof in ATTWL 3...]

 

and Mr.Krabs shell melts down to it's very core before it takes him away from the world.

 

[Jjs: Trying to imagine what just happened sounds pretty out of this world.]
[OMJ: It could've been worse. He could've been taken away from the world at 10 AM.]

[Halibut: To be fair, fried crabmeat doesn't sound too bad.]

 

Spongebob then turns off the fryers, and takes out Mr. Krabs decayed body. He heads out to throw the body into the closest trashcan, when someone walks in on him.

 

[Halibut: How could you do that? Wasn't Mr. Krabs away from the world?]

[Jjs: R.I.P. Strange Mr. Krabs. We hardly knew ye.]

 

It was Pearl, Mr. Krabs Whale daughter (I have no fucking clue why his daughter is a whale, so don't ask me)

[Jjs: Why is his daughter a whale? Seriously though, what was the point of this? Was this supposed to be "humor"? Maybe that'd work if it wasn't for the fact most of (unfortunately) already know who Pearl is.]
[OMJ: And she's out there why?]

She sees Spongebob carrying her dad's body, and knows she has to contact the police. Spongebob then throws his Spatula like a throwing knife, and slices Pearl apart through her torso, thereby ending the threat of her contacting the police.

[Jjs: Now, to this spin-off's credit, this is a justifiable death so far. R.I.P. Strange Pearl. We hardly knew ye, and probably didn't want to.]
[OMJ: Yeah, fuck her. She could've died at 10 AM for all I care.]

He then throws out the bodies, and prepares for a land journey. All he needs is transportation- like a rocket!

[Jjs: Just don't let he bodies hit the floor. Also, thankfully Moneybags is still safe.]
[OMJ: Or just, like, walk to land like in Pressure.]

[Halibut: Wow jjs, thanks for alerting that the title of this episode had basically nothing to do with the episode. This lit is just awesome in its badness so far.]

[Metal Snake]

She sees Spongebob carrying her dad's body, and knows she has to contact the police. Spongebob then throws his Spatula like a throwing knife, and slices Pearl apart through her torso, thereby ending the threat of her contacting the police.

 

 

He cut her through the torso...with a spatula?! Geez, no offense to Fa, but this just keeps getting worse the more I read it...

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBob: Diaries of a Serial Killer

 

4. Treedome of Horror

Spoiler

Episode 4: Treedome of Horror

 

[OMJ: WELCOME TO THE TERRORDOME!]

[Fred: Kang and Kodos better be in this or I'm out.]

[JCM: Not to be confused with the upcoming sequel to Bio-Dome, Bio-Dome of Horror, in which Pauly Shore gets attacked by the ghost of his career.]

[Jjs: I eagerly await the 20+ sequels.]

 

The very evening that Bikini Bottom was scared to shits about a double homicide occurring in 2 different areas of Bikini Bottom,

[Metal Snake: Wait, everyone in Bikini Bottom already knows? I thought no one in Bikini Bottom was a night owl…]
[OMJ: I'm sure the torch and pitchfork shops are making a killing off of this.]

 

Sandy Cheeks was very calm and at home relaxing. She was smoking a pipe,

 

[JCM: Oh, that's very quaint.]

 

and reading "The Communist Manifesto" by Karl Marx.

 

[JCM: Well, this escalated fast.]
[Metal Snake: “Aw, nothing like a good dose of the knowledge of the death and suffering of others to soothe my nerves this fine night!”]
[sandy: In Mein Kampfy chair.]

[Patrick: What's so great about dumb old Communist Russia?]

[Halibut: Aren't Texans the polar opposite of communists?]

She believed that Mr. Marx had some very good ideas about how to run the economy of the world, and that it could apply to the recent recession in Bikini Bottom.

 

[JCM: Which we're just learning about now.]

[Halibut: I feel like Groucho Marx would do better at running the economy of the world than Karl ever will.]

[Jjs: Was Fa doing his History homework with this episode?]

 

Of course, the Mayor and others had just turned her down, like some crazy nutjob.

[OMJ: Hahah! Squirrel jokes.]

[Fred: I still don't understand. Sandy is a Communist now? Was she a Russian squirrel spy sent underwater to destroy Bikini Bottom? Was she just pretending to be from Texas?]

 

But whatever she thought, she knew communism would win out one day. One day.

[Metal Snake: HA HA HA HA WTF DID I JUST READ?!

…

Something on the internet that sounded WRONG.]
[OMJ: She puts the HIYA! *chops* K in Karl Marx.]

[JCM: As much as I love communism, I feel like this is doing nothing more than Joseph Stallin' the main plotline.]

[Jjs: One day, I will get a life. One day.]

 

But that was a matter for her to deliberate later, as the turkey was finished.

 

[OMJ: I have to give it to Fa, this is at least hilariously bad.]

 

She just wanted to eat her finely done turkey, leave the frivalous matters of the world

 

[JCM: Like your spelling.]

 

to those revolutionaries who COULD die for their beliefs, not the people like her who would just rally all the fighters together.

 

[Jjs: wat]

[Halibut: What does this have to do with cooked turkey?]

[Metal Snake: “Fuck the revolutionaries because turkey!”

...No comment.]
[OMJ: Is she supposed to be a lost breed of super squirrel the Soviets were experimenting on all of a sudden?]

[Fred: What a true hero. Eating a turkey for those who are about to die in a war.]

 

But now wasn't the time to deliberate this. Now was the time to eat Turkey.

 

[JCM: You're eating the entire country of Turkey? Alright, then.]

[Metal Snake: Not on SB_DWFan’s watch.]

[Halibut: Well, communism could eat the country of Turkey if it wanted too.]

[OMJ: That turkey's so damn important, she had to put off her deliberations twice.]

[Jjs: This turkey is very important because it's padding the episode out.]

[Fred:  ]

 

So Sandy animalisticlly ate the turkey like the prey it had been to some hunter from up above.

 

[Metal Snake: So the forces of heaven killed that poor bird. God’s got a sick sense of humor…]

[JCM: I don't know what makes less sense. The fact that there's a turkey underwater, or the fact that Sandy, a herbivore, is gorging on it like a lion.]

[Jjs: Is this filler going somewhere? Looks like Fa took a page out of 70s/SOF's book for adding in pointless details to make the episode look longer.]

 

She was sipping some tea, when she heard a loud "CHAJHANG!" from outside the dome.

 

[Jjs: Not exactly what I meant by "going somewhere", but it's a start.]
[Metal Snake: “Cha...Jhang...Cha’s...John…”

Nope. Not making a penis joke about UnlimitedCha.]
[OMJ: The Mongolians broke through her glass wall?]

[Halibut: It must be the turkey's family seeking revenge.]

[Fred: Cha-ching! Cha-ching! Cha-chingaring! Money, oh money, how I love thee!]

[JCM: Must be Mr. Krabs.]

 

She was frightened at the thought of someone entering her home, but when she went to check, there was no forced entry. But Sandy knew one thing for sure: she was not alone tonight.

 

[OMJ: Yeah! Let's not leave and get help or somethin'.]

[Jjs: I guess she took the ATTWL 3!Users route and decided to stay like a sitting duck.]

 

Sandy cautiously sat in the living area with a heightened sense of caution as she smoked her pipe strongly in fear for her life.

[Metal Snake: “He’ll never get me even if I have to die by lung cancer first!”]
[OMJ: At least she's not sitting in the "Come Kill Me" area.]

[Jjs: When was Sandy a stoner? Either lay off the toke or pass the toke, you commie.]

[Fred: 4/20 SMOKE ACORNS ERRYDAY]

[JCM: "Acorn" happens to be Sandy's favorite vape pen flavor.]

 

She knew some fight was going to go down, and so she got her .38 Caliber, prepared to kill the intruder in her house. 

 

[Jjs: Let me guess, did she buy that gun from Squidward's Magic Gun Shop in Patrick V.S. World?]
[OMJ: Damn, she didn't even need that when confronting an entire Alaskan Bull Worm, this intruder must be hardcore.]

[Fred: She needs a gun just in case Pinhead Larry and Dirty Dan arrive to her treedome.]

[JCM: She seems to have already used the gun to kill the English language.]

[Halibut: You can't use a gun without an empty stomach.]

 

She walked down the stairway to the outside area.

[OMJ: You left the living area? Now you've done gone and killed yourself!]

[JCM: When did her treedome have a stairway? Has it been in the tree this whole time and I never noticed?]

 

She walked around the whole large perimiter of the area, before finally deciding to give up, thinking she overreacted due to the quadruple murders of that night.

[Metal Snake: Saying “four murders” is just fine.]

[OMJ: Double double homicides has a nicer ring to it.]

[Jjs: Who could be behind the Quadruple Murder Mystery?]

[Fred: This is just overkill. *gets tomatoes thrown at for terrible pun*]

[Halibut: I'm pretty sure four murders can completely justify any overreacting.]

 

But then, she was pulled into the darkness by a mysterious figure. The figure was none other than Spongebob himself. 

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[JCM: What a shocker!]

[OMJ: Darn! I was betting on Mr. Krabs, meself.]

[Fred: I was thinking of TheMysteriousMrEnter for some reason.]

[Halibut: Well, the figure is not mysterious anymore, is it?]

 

Sandy was shocked, but kept her composure, and didn't question how her friend survived.

[Metal Snake: “My friend is somehow alive and disgustingly mutated, but whatever.”]
[OMJ: And she's supposed to be the smart, scientific one.]

"Spongebob, I guess you used that spare key I gave you back when we were extremely close. Anyways, what are you here for at this hour?" Sandy asked

[OMJ: Oh, I think you know exactly what he came here for.   ]

[JCM: He's obvious just here to borrow a cup of sugar.]

 

"Sandy, I survived and then I went to Patrick's to get angry at him... and... and I KILLED HIM! 

[spongeBob: Damn you, Patrick! You can see my forehead, why can't I?! *kills*]
[Jjs: Nice job on keeping your identity as a killer secret.]

 

I didn't mean to, but it just happened,

 

[Jjs: Yeah, I'm sure you didn't mean to "accidentally" stab him multiple times!]

 

and then I got an adrenaline rush of living,

[Metal Snake: Adrenaline rush...of living?

“Today…*sniff* I start living! ...On adrenaline! *injects adrenaline shot into arm*

Oh God, it’s like the Sweet-N-Low of speed!”]

[JCM: I get high off my existence all the time.]

 

and went to get Squidward's help, but then I killed him too in a fit of rage..." Spongebob described.

 

Sandy was scared she wanted to help her friend out, but at the same time didn't want to help a killer. The communist cause wouldn't exactly move forward if their revolutionary was in jail for aiding a convicted serial killer.
 

[Jjs: I was trying not to nitpick it the first few times, but when the hell did Sandy become a communist? Is Fa trying to subtly convert us to communism?]

[Metal Snake: Okay, time for a critical remark again, why is political shit even being mentioned here? Real-life politics shouldn’t be in stories about fantasy cartoon shows, politics make you think about the real world! Cartoons are fun, politics are not! Put them together, and you get shit! Isn’t that right, Family Guy?]
[OMJ: As if a little bloodshed never came a long way for other communist revolutions.]

 

"Please Sandy, I need to take your rocket and speed out of Bikini Bottom before I get caught. Please!?" Spongebob begged.

 

[JCM: Pretty please with sprinkles on top or GTFO.]

[OMJ: Or, y'know, walk to land like in Pressure.]

[Jjs: Or he could just move to another town. I'm sure he'd fit in just fine at Bikini Top.]

[Fred: I'm not really being chased by the police, I just want to go on another trip to the Moon!]

[Halibut: GOING TO THE MOON! MOON RIDE! MOON RIDE! MOON RIDE!]

 

"No Spongebob. I refuse to help a kiler escape from the law like this. I just refuse it." Sandy yelled at Spongebob.

[Metal Snake: She yelled statements at him? What, did she state cries of agony at him next?]
[OMJ: As some sorta Marxist, you'd think she'd be against the law.]

[Halibut: Communism has gone a long way ever since Sandy adopted the idea.]

 

The feeling Spongebob described came back- the feeling to kill.

 

[JCM: *singing* Hooked on a feeling! A feeling of murder!]

 

He grabbed Sandy's neck while she was not focusing on him,

[OMJ: Goddamn it, that turkey is just too good.]

and he twisted it. Sandy let a terrified pathetic croak of death as she passed onto the next world of terror known as hell.

 

[OMJ: Take that, ya commie.]

[JCM: Because it's not like she had a gun or anything.]

[Jjs: She was probably too busy thinking about Karl Marx's amazing communist ideals to pull out a gun. Also, R.I.P. Communist Sandy. We hardly knew ye.]

[Metal Snake: She let out a pathetic croak in response to dying and going to hell...I’ll take that as a “yes” to my question.]

[Fred: That dying croak was very weak and pathetic, ma'am! Try it again, this time with feeling.]

Spongebob then reached into Sandy's pocket

 

[JCM: You know, the pocket in her bikini.]

 

and found the ignition keys to the rocket. 

[OMJ: So she just flies her rocket for her nights out on the town, then?]

[Jjs: She must have a certified rocket license.]

 

And soon, Spongebob was blasting out of the cockpit,

 

[Jjs: at the speed of light! Surrender now, or prepare to die!]
[OMJ: So in other words, he blasted himself right out of the rocket itself? So in otherer words, he ain't goin nowhere?]

[Halibut: Or maybe he just found the rocket to complicated so he just shot out of the ocean by himself.]

[JCM: This is why you shouldn't drive a rocket without a license, kids.]

[Jimmy Neutron: Gotta blast!]

 

off to another world known to many as "the dry land."

[OMJ: Yeah, my logic can just kindly fuck off right now.]

[Fred: So SpongeBob landed in the middle of a desert?]

There Spongebob would commit some very infamous murders, and become one of the most infamous people of all-time.
 

[Jjs: SOME infamous murders? At least it's only some and not over one million murders from great communist leaders like Joseph Stalin and Mao Zedong!]
[Metal Snake: People? What, did the radioactive waste mutate Spongebob into a human?]
[OMJ: Even worse than Lenin, Jong-il, Jong-un, Castro and all dem other commies combined!]

[spongeBob: Look out, Hitler! There's a new killer in this town and his name is, SpongeBob SquarePants!]

[JCM: See? With a little hard work and lot of moral depravity, you can accomplish anything!]

[Halibut: By FOX News standards, SpongeBob already is one of the most infamous people of all time.]

[Metal Snake]

Good work, everyone!

[Jjs Goodman]

SpongeBob: Diaries of a Serial Killer

 

5. 4EverTouched

Spoiler

Episode 5: 4EverTouched

[Metal Snake: Wait...what?]
[OMJ: Now this spin-off is already pretty fucked up as it is, throwing in an SBC user or two will just make it as certifiably insane as it's main character.]

[JCM: Show me on the doll where the bad 4Ever touched you.]
[Jjs: 4EverTouched, do you really want to be, 4EverTouched? Also, this is the last episode. I'm assuming SpongeBob will commit mass genocide, or it'll end on an unresolved cliffhanger. Probably the latter.]

 

One day, there was one man out there who was very happy indeed.

[OMJ: He was so happy that everyone died. The end!  About this story in a nutshell, if you ask me.]
[Jjs: Is this man Pharrell Williams?]

 

A spongebob nerd (no fuck that, a spongebob pimp with some hoe),

[OMJ: Well, luckily for A Pimp Named Happy, SpongeBob's got plenty of holes going in.]

[JCM: What's that spongebob pimp doing with a gardening tool?]

 

who lived at home with his mom, ate Bob's Burgers everyday for dinner,

 

[OMJ: Now that's what I call "binge watching". HAHA- no? Ok den...]
[Jjs: Those DVDs must be delicious.]

 

and drew very descriptive pictures involving his favorite cartoon characters: yep this was the life of 4EverGreen, future professional cartoon pedophile.

 

[JCM: Not just a cartoon pedophile, a professional cartoon pedophile!]

[Jjs: Now SpongeBob is killing SBC users? Hmm, deja vu...]

[OMJ: You know, it's just never a riff with me without 4EverGreen's dick drawings coming into the mix somehow.]
[Metal Snake: ...Two things.

1. That was...potentially highly offensive.
2. ...What.]

[Halibut: What does this have to do with the rest of the story?]

He had just finished an explicit portrait to say the least of Spongebob and Squidward.

[OMJ: And Spandy fans logged out to rethink their lives everywhere.]

[JCM: SpongeBob just had to have some of this:  ]

[Jjs: I think I know what this portrait is:

  ]

 

It was his greatest achievement yet (in his mind) and he really was hungry for some Bob's Burgers. So he called his "hoe" into the room.

 

[Metal Snake: What, is the “hoe” actually going to turn out to be a garden tool?]
[OMJ: Is his hoe named Netflix?]
[Jjs: Wow, 4EverGreen's mother must have one terrible job if they can only afford Bob's Burgers DVDs every night for dinner.]

 

"Yo mama bitch, go get me some Bob's Bus Boy Burgers, now! Or else... well I think we both know what will happen. Chop chop!" 4EG said to his mother hoe.

 

[JCM: When a mommy hoe and a daddy hoe love each other very much...]

[4EG: Don't make me get out my crudely drawn dick!]

[Jjs: Is Bob's Bus Boy Burgers some spin-off I don't know about?]
[Metal Snake: ...Two things.

1. I don’t get the satire. (4EG mentioned in a post once that his mom bought him a burger once and that...makes her his bitch?!)
2. I am not amused.]

 

She sped off to the restauraunt, while 4EG went through his daily routine of replicating every smiley known to man. He would spend hours doing this orgasm of smilies, not caring about the context of any of this.

[OMJ: I don't know who to be more afraid of at this point, RadioactiveBob or 4EverGreen.]
[Metal Snake: Um...okay, that sounds more like something 4EG would do, but I’m still not seeing where this is going…]

[JCM: "The orgasm of smilies" happens to be the official name of the iPhone's new emoji.]

 

When he finished about 250 of these faces,

[OMJ: So he had 250 orgasms?]

 

he went to his closet, and out poured a shitload of everything Nintendo. Nintendo consoles, Nintendo games, Nintendo dolls, Nintendo movies, even Nintendo dil- never mind.

 

[JCM: Nintendo dill pickles?]

[Metal Snake: Why would any video game company (ESPECIALLY Nintendo) produce and trademark dildos or...any sexual purpose product for that matter?! Can you even imagine…
“Yo man. My girlfriend ROCKED my Atari joystick last night…”]
[OMJ: Surely he meant Sega there.]
[sega: We do what Nintendo dildon't]

Anyways, he was one hell of a nintendo fan, who blasted everything microsoft,

 

[JCM: From his Windows computer.]

[Halibut: Well, his Nintendildos are probably not Microsoft.]

 

especially calling Rare out for leaving to earn more money, so he just sat at home and played Conker's Bad Fur Day all day, waiting for Rare to reverse their "mistake."

[Metal Snake: Funny. I’m waiting for this exposition to reverse its mistake by actually building to something relevant.]
[OMJ: I can't possibly nitpick something that mentions Conker, mang.]

Meanwhile 4EG was just begining

 

[JCM: Be gining]

 

to scan his "masterpiece" to his computer hard drive, when he heard a huge noise as if the door came down. Hoping that mama bitch came back with Bob's, he ran up the stairs like a small child excited to see his mother home.

[Metal Snake: Wait, UP the stairs…
Oh Fa...you even went with the worst cliche of all...making the kids cartoon nerd a basement dweller...come on. This isn’t even funny, I just feel bad for 4EverGreen...]

 

However he was even more shocked at who was there.

 

[JCM: Hopefully, it's Chris Hansen.]

 

"SPONGEBOB!!!!!!!!!!     " 4EverGreen cried out loud. "You must have finally gotten that fan letter I sent you back in 12th grade!!!!!!!     " 4EverGreen said.

[Metal Snake: ...WHAT?!]
[OMJ: We get it, he's supposed to be an immature loser who I'm presuming is supposed to run parallels with the manchildness of SpongeBob!]

[Halibut: 4EG is prepared to have the best sex of his life with him.]

[Jjs: He's so excited that he repeated the exact line-up of smilies twice! Talk about creativity!]

 

"Alright dude chill. I need a place to crash at, because my pineapple...... lit on fire in Bikini Bottom." Spongebob said.

 

[Jjs: FIRE UNDERWATER!]

 

4EverGreen looked at Spongebob strangely, and he got worried about whether 4EG would question anything else that was occurring. 4EG however, just welcomed SB into his house and ecouraged him to view his artistry.

[Metal Snake: Um...I’m sorry...I don’t…]

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! How is SpongeBob on land right now, without a water helmet (at least I presume, Fa didn't make that clear). Did the radioactive mutation give him on land breathing? I guess there's no point in thinking for the last episode, though.]
[OMJ: The radioactive zombie shit that he supposedly is didn't raise any alarms at all?]

[JCM: eCourage: For when you need the courage to read through an episode of Spongebob: Diaries of a Serial Killer.]

[Halibut: Oh yeah, SpongeBob will definitely like what 4EG has drawn.]

 

Spongebob looked and immediately didn't like what he saw. It seemed... unnatural to him,

[OMJ: Yes, a talking sponge with pants, shoes and tie is already unnatural enough without the crudely drawn penis.]
[Jjs: It's also unnatural that 4EverGreen believes a cartoon character is in his house right now. Has Sandy been sharing the toke with him?]

 

and it disturbed him beyond anything else, but he did not reveal his feelings to 4EG in order to remain in hiding. But the next picture would just kill his hospitality.

[Metal Snake: His hospitality of...not killing him?]

It was a disgusting picture featuring him and Squidward, and he just lost it with 4EG.

 

[JCM: "Yeah, no one can draw graphic images of me and Squidward except me! I mean-"]

[OMJ: The only thing that got lost here is SpongeBob's character. At least when I tried to take a swing at a killer SpongeBob fic, I tried to make the madness fit the guy. Somewhat.]

 

"Why the hell would you protray us like that? I'm personally creeped by that. Nothing against it, but... uhh." Spongebpb tells 4EG.

[Metal Snake: Yeah...it is definitely time for a “Tommy Wiseau could’ve put more emotion into that than you.” remark.]
[OMJ: If that's how he loses it, I'd hate to see him when he's "batshit insane".]

[Jjs: But SpongeBob, he's your biggest fan!]

 

"The artist needs inspiration to fly high,

 

[JCM: Is 4EG Birdman now?]

 

and as an artist I used my love for an animated sponge like you propelled me to create this masterpiece art." 4EG replied.

 

[Halibut: Well, SpongeBob really does brainwash kids, but not in a way that I expected.]

 

"But... it's jusst so wrongggg to meeehhhh" Spongebob forced out.

[Metal Snake: What, was Spongebob trying to quote a teenage angst song here?]
[OMJ: "BUT IT'S JUSST SO WRONGGGG TO MEEEHHH, BABYYYY. LISTEN TO IROOOONNN MAIIIDEEEENNN MEEEHHHHBEEEHHHH.]

 

"Well I'm about to post it on the internet for all to see! Then I can finally go to the big boys horse house!!!    " 4EG replied.

 

[JCM: Now he's into bestiality, too.]

[Metal Snake: ...Horse house?
First, a mean-spirited 70s joke, then a penis joke, and now a brony joke that I’m going to pass on. I’m sorry, it’s all just...too easy.]

[OMJ: Would not be surprised if there is a group called that on deviantart.]

 

Spongebob knew he couldn't let this painting get on the internet. So he went to the cabinet that held all of his nintendo junk, and he grabbed the closest cord, which happened to be the controller for the N64.

[OMJ: Oh, cruel irony.]

 

He swung it like a lasso rope, and tied to the back of 4EG's neck. He pulled him in very slowly, and knew his prey was dead as he finished reeling him.

[Metal Snake: And after being cruelly mocked, he gets killed…
Hmm…where have I seen this before...]
[OMJ: Community Deathmatch.]

[JCM: JCMovies if you're OMJ. (Sorry, mang.  )]

[Jjs: R.I.P. Strange 4EverGreen, we hardly knew ye. Enough said, true believers! 

 

Yeah... those who haven't figured it out yet, by this point in the spin-off it's pretty blatantly obvious Fa was trying to copy Rusty's Raping Rampage. Maybe not intentionally, but I recall Fa admitted to it, I believe. Wumbo put it best in an old scathing comment for those who may not remember...

 

"Dude, I read Rusty's Raping Rampage for this."

 

Before those point out that killing and raping are two different things, the Rusty crew often murdered their victims in some episodes instead of raping. Sorry Fa, but if the rest of the spin-off was just going to be uninspired RRR rip-off, I think it's best it ended at this episode. With that being said, I will say the RRR aspect didn't bother Elastic and I as much as some users. Fa did at least admit to copying us, which I know he regrets, so I can give him credit for that.]

 

Then Spongebob took the N64 (just because he wanted it),

[spongeBob: AAAAHHH! I am the Kleptomaniaaac!]
[Jjs: BECAUSE HE WANTED TOOOOOO!]

 

and then poured gasoline on the base of the house, and set it on fire, effectively destroying all of 4EG's portraits. 

[OMJ: Darn, those probably would've fetched a nice price now that he's dead.]

[JCM: So you just burned down the place you were going to live in to make sure that a bunch of portraits wouldn't get posted to the internet by a guy you just killed. Brilliant.]

[Jjs: So uh, what happened to 4EverGreen's mom? The walk to the restaurant must take a long time, it seems.]

 

Spongebob then decided to head to a tropical land filled with palm trees galore, that only an idiot would fall for- Alabama.

 

[Metal Snake: ...That’s offensive to people who like Alabama.
Overall Fa, wow. I’m sorry, but this was your weakest work by miles and bounds. Too much of it was just sloppily executed and not believably done for me to forgive, and I didn’t even need to press you on the most obvious problem at the end. I know it was satire, but almost all of the gags were predictable and trite. Yeah, a lot of parts were “so bad, it’s funny” but...that’s not a strong redeeming quality for an apparently serious story.]
[OMJ: Hey, Lynyrd Skynyrd are not idiots! But yeah, can't really say much outside of what I've already said throughout this whole series and what Luke said above me. From one SpongeBob character serial killer writer to another, it was barnacles. Made for good enough barnacles for me to riff tho. This story is like, almost five years old, and seeing your newer works (most recent Modernization one especially) you've improved a lot. I wouldn't mind seeing you taking another stab (pun fully intended) at this specific genre of spin-off writing someday. Well, it's been a good hot minute. Until next time, folks. Jenkins, out!]

[JCM: Fa wanted to write something that was funny, and he did, though maybe not in the ways he intended. I find this so hilariously bad that I can't hate it, despite all its flaws. And boy, does it have flaws. It basically becomes a different spin-off episode to episode. It has no idea what it wants to be. The idea of SpongeBob snapping and going on a homicidal rampage is interesting, but the execution of that idea just didn't work at all. Thankfully, Fa realized that after this episode and put the spin-off out of its misery. Or he just forgot to update it. Either/or. Anyway, while I won't be putting this on any best-of-the-decade lists, I appreciate it for what it is: a crappy little show that ended before it could lose its entertainment value. If only Bikini Top did the same. That's all from me, folks! I'll see you again sometime in the future, maybe.]

[Jjs: Hmm, I wonder who would've been next. *coughNathancough* As the others said above, this was definitely your weakest work Fa, and I know you can do better than this (which you have). I know you regret making this though, so no worries. But yeah, the problem with this spin-off is that it heavily suffered from an alright idea, but sloppy execution. It just seemed confused as it went on, especially with the fact it had to copy RRR and go on land to kill SBC members, but thankfully Fa canned this when he knew it wasn't going to pan out well. If you want to do a spin-off with a SpongeBob character being a killer done right, read The Killer Krab. That being said though, this is far from the worst thing I've riffed. I at least understood what Fa was trying to do with it, despite its confused story, and I know he did mean well with it. While it still has its many flaws, it's kind of like Prince Neptune and The Runaway Sponge. It's just so bizarre and all over the place, that it is kind of worth rereading for its lulziness.

 

So, what's next? I think it's time we (re)visit one of my own weakest works, which is a continuation of something, if you even want to call it that. Stay tuned...]

[Clappy]

Dear god I remember this.  I recall the moment Ex and I pointed this out as a RRR carbon copy with Fa getting very frustrated about it.   Oh the memories.

 

Anyway, great riffs as always guys.

[Minty Car]

In retrospect, this was definitely pretty bad by my standards. That being said, the riffs were hilarious and I was almost in tears a few times. Great job per usual

[Jjs Goodman]

The time has come.

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

27. The Escape

Spoiler

[Jjs: Well folks, we're back to riffing SBCPU. Why so soon you may ask? Well, I feel people were more interested in seeing how this ends than Bikini Top, and might as well do it while the Season 1 riffs are fresh in people's minds. Last season-you know what, just read them yourselves, seriously, they are still recent. Now, Season 2 is a very polarizing season among fans. I won't give away what went wrong with it, but I feel it's one of my weirdest works. And by weirdest, that could be either good or bad, depending on people's views. I feel I exaggerated saying it's my worst work, but I think it has a lot of flaws. You may be wondering: How did I make a Season 2, when Season 1 seemed to have such a clear-cut ending? Well, I did it, although some think this season should have been its own lit due to how different it is than Season 1. You'll see. Hopefully suitelife and 70s won't kidnap me again either.]

[Clappy: I’m bach.

 ]

[Hayden: *wakes up in pile of rubber duckies* The coast must be clear of Asia now. *stands up and looks around* Oh no...it can't be. The riffs for SBCPU S2 start today?! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!]

[steel: I honestly haven't read all of this, but since Jjs has talked about how bad this it, I'm intrigued to read through all of this and riff most of this. Let's pop this bad boy in and give it a go.

 ]

 

27. The Escape

 

[Hayden: MY escape, right? That's what it must be referring to. *tries to unlock theater doors but gives up* Ugh, I better get a raise for this.]

 

We open to a prison in a valley near a large lake, and go into a restricted room.

 

[steel: In space!]

[Jjs: Uh oh! Preposition overdrive!]

[Hayden: Good job keeping things simple here, Jjs. Unless this prison is on a private island owned by a kid.]

 

TarterSauce25 was there with a guard.

 

[Clappy: And there goes my interest.]

[Jjs: Whoa! The season's not starting with Hassan building something out of his ass?]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Whatever you do, DO NOT remove this lock." The Guard said as he pointed to a lock on a jail cell.

 

[Clappy: He’s going to remove the lock.]

 

"Yup, I gotcha boss!" TarterSauce said, not paying attention.

 

[Jjs: Gee, I wonder where this is going.]

[Hayden: He'll do his job right and then get a promotion?]

 

"In this cell, is the most ferocious troll in history....DO NOT OPEN THAT LOCK!" The Guard instructed. "If he gets out, don't bother running. You won't even be able to lift a finger."

 

[steel: So they now have a prison for internet trolls now, and somehow WhaleBubber is "the most" ferocious?....as if WB is a literal troll?]

[Jjs: Most ferocious troll in history? I don't know, Blubber might have some competition now with ACS's deadly Team Rocket.]

[Hayden: Give Blubber a rabies shot. And won't be able to lift a finger to type on a keyboard?]

[Clappy: He’s going to remove the lock.]

 

"mhmmm, I'll let him out!" TarterSauce replied.

 

[Trophy: Was he always this much of an idiot on the forums?]

[Hayden:  ]

 

The Guard sighed.

 

[Clappy: And my eyes rolled.]

 

"God help this kid.."

 

[Jjs: Heh. No, the correct response is: "Please get the fuck out, you're fired." Seriously, why are the cops leaving a buffoon there on watch? I thought the forumotion police was competent, especially with giving out failing grades.]

[steel: But he made Jesus do that job instead.]

[Hayden: This guard is about to see what happens when you rely on God instead of doing the job your damn self.]

 

The Guard leaves, and TarterSauce is outside the cell.

 

He then stupidly takes off the lock.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[Jjs: Seriously, wow man. Never expected that in a million years. The past scene of filler totally didn't imply this. Also, this scene ripped off a scene from an episode of The Looney Tunes Show....Don't ask.]

[steel: For one who never caught up with that show, I never knew that till Jjs said it just now.]

[Hayden: Apparently God never did a good job with TarterSauce to begin with.  ]

 

"YOU FORGOT YOUR LOCK!!!" TarterSauce yelled as he exited with the lock.

 

[Clappy: And I forgot to laugh. So that makes two of us being forgetful today.]

[Trophy: Is this supposed to say he's mentally ill in some way?]

 

We then see WhaleBlubber bust out of the cell.

 

[Jjs: Even in the season premiere, Blubber just can't take a seat out of the action.]

[steel: The door is unlocked, better break through with my bare fists.]

[Hayden: That'll leave a mark.]

 

"That lil' dumbass let me go, eh? Oh well, I am finally free of this confounded prison!" WhaleBlubber laughed.

 

[Hayden: Internet prison has really hardened WhaleBlubber, or maybe he'll be the same level of threat he was in S1.]

 

We then see an explosion on the side of the prison, and WhaleBlubber escapes into the woods.

 

[Jjs: Where did Blubber get explosives from?]

[steel: Michael Bay's production values.]

[Clappy: Ah, the never ending woods have made their return to this lit. Can’t say that I really missed them.]

 

"CODE RED! CODE RED! SECURITY BREACH! PRISONER 027 ESCAPED!" The alarm yelled.

 

[Jjs: 27 is the number of this episode. Clever, I guess? Even more clever, this riff was posted April 27th.]

[steel: I don't know about you, but Blubber's feeling 27.]

[Hayden: That's about how old 70s would be if his age hadn't been a lie. Also, how many prisoners does this pathetic prison carry if WB is only their 27th?]

 

We then see a bunch of cops grab their guns and head to the restricted area.

 

[Clappy: 27 cops with 27 guns?]

 

"He's...gone." A cop said.

 

[Jjs: No shit, Sherlock. I thought that was obvious when the alarm yelled "PRISONER 027 ESCAPED!".]

[Hayden: Best to double check to see if he stopped to tie his shoe.]

 

WhaleBlubber continues into the woods.

 

[steel: Into the woods, into the woods, then out of the woods! And home- Nope.]

[Hayden: Where is your intended destination?

A. Generic tree on the left

B. Generic tree on the right

C. Into the large lake like the dirty fat whale you are.]

 

"This is fucked up shit.

 

[Jjs: Haha, get it? Shit and blubber! HA HA HA! Oh, the hilarity.]

[Hayden: Perhaps he sees a lot of bear poop everywhere?]

 

But hey, at least I'm not in that awful prison." Blubber said. "Hmm...maybe I should be nice enough to free the others..."

 

Blubber thought and said," Meh, why not? I'll troll the prison!"

 

[Jjs: Wonderful, now it looks like Blubber caught the talking to himself disease from ATTWL 3!tvguy & jjs.]

[Trophy: Villains aren't nice, but it's also evil, it's a vicious cycle.]

[Clappy: Even then, his monologue is too stupid to comprehend. Why would he go back to troll the prison when you are a wanted man?]

[Hayden: D. Back to the place you just escaped from after remarking about how at least you're not in that awful prison.]

 

WhaleBlubber headed back, but he saw an odd tower far out across the river on the other side of the plains.

 

[steel: In other words, a lighthouse.]

 

"Alright, lemme check dis shit out first." Blubber said, as he swam across the lake, and came to the odd tower.

 

[Hayden: E. Tower that appeared the fuck out of nowhere?]

[Jjs: Well, for someone who just escaped prison, he has no problem going back to a presumed part of it. He must really have liked the showers and food.]

 

"Alright, is the cliche plot of some medieval movie now?" Blubber said.

 

[steel: Is that supposed to be a nod the Lord of the Rings? That's the one "medieval movie" that only comes to mind.]

[Jjs: That's a really weird question to ask, but whatever helps you sleep at night, The Most Ferocious Troll in History.]

[Clappy: There is such a thing as a medieval movie? Does such a genre even exist?]

[Hayden: If this a movie, I hope it's a "Choose Your Own Ending" and you choose to have the tower topple over onto your face for that pointless filler line.]

[Planktonamor: MWAHAHA, HE'S FALLING FOR MY TRAP THIS VERY MOMENT!]

 

He saw an odd symbol on the door to the tower.

 

[Jjs: "Odd symbol" couldn't be any more vague. Was it the ISIS flag? Was it the Star of David? Was it the Swastika? So many possibilities, yet no time for answers.]

[steel: Odd symbol = iluminauti cunfirmd]

 

"Huh...things are getting trippy now."

 

[Clappy: More like boring.]

[Hayden: I need more details to go off of than an odd symbol on a tower door before things can be labeled "trippy".]

 

He heard a growling noise inside the tower. "Let me free...."

 

"Let me free..."

 

[Jjs: Only if you say please, weird voice.]

[Hayden: Steel's right, it must be Gollum.]

[Trophy: TRUST ME, AND WE WILL ESCAPE FROM THE CITY!  

 

Sonic video count: 1]

 

"Who the fuck is there?" Blubber said.

 

[Clappy: I’m edgy because I curse.]

 

"It is I......Dradius..." The creature said.

 

[Trophy: Sounds like some weird Bakugan type thing.]

[Jjs: Sounds like a rejected Power Rangers monster of the week, if you ask me. Maybe that's why he's in prison.]

[Hayden: OH! Dradius! We go way back. Why didn't you say so before? Allow me to set you free, you seem well adjusted.]

[steel: You remember that one SBC member Dradius? He was really cooooooool.]

 

"Uh, dunno who that is, but if you're a part of the prison, I'll bust ya out," Blubber said.

 

He kicked the door, but nothing happened. There was some spell blocking it.

 

[Hayden: How was Blubby able to understand it was a spell so fast? At least have Dradius be given a line of dialogue to explain that to him.]

[Jjs: Obviously Harry Potter magic has gotten so advanced you can apparently now chant spells to make doors unbreakable.]

[Clappy: Which means they are level 10 wizards.

]

 

"Alright, now this is turning into a medieval movie," Blubber said.

 

[Jjs: So, a guy is trapped in a tower, and that automatically means it is like a medieval movie...The connection isn't adding up...]

[steel: Or this isn't like Lord of the Rings. So what is it? Excalibur? Robin Hood? Monty Python And The Holy Grail? Explain, Blubber!]

[Hayden: I thought it was a prison break movie considering it starting with you breaking out of jail and then going back to try and let everyone else out. Guess that isn't prevalent enough of a theme?]

 

"This tower is guarded by a spell..." Dradius said. "I've been sealed here for years..."

 

[steel: ....sucks.]

[Hayden: Why did Blubby make his stupid medieval movie comment before Dradius explained this? Now there was no point for Dradius to explain it since our character wasn't confused.]

 

WhaleBlubber agreed to bust him out. He shot some spam at the door, and it busted down!

 

[Jjs: Well, that was easy. First spam can create portals to an island and now it can bust down enchanted doors. Spam is love, spam is life.]

[steel: Forget locksmiths, I'm gonna get Spam for impassable doors for now on.]

[Hayden: Spamming is its own witchcraft.]

 

"And that is why you should always have CAPTCHAs, folks!" Blubber said.

 

[steel: Blubber Sez.]

[Hayden: Thanks for the advice, you salty sea prick.]

[Trophy: Or many locks so the spammer would get tired and give up. OR AN ALARM WHEN THE DOOR IS TOUCHED!]

[Clappy: And that’s why all of these Blubber run-ons are boring me to tears. Can you please do something?]

 

He saw an odd dark dragon in the tower.

 

[Hayden: Why we bringing skin color into this?]

[Jjs: ...A dragon? Are we riffing Bikini Top Season 2 again? In all seriousness, yeah...I think this is one of the parts of the season that threw people off. I won't give away everything, but there are supernatural/magic elements this season, which I actually didn't take from Bikini Top weirdly enough.]

[steel: Oh hey, the story thinks its How to Train Your Dragon now.]

[Hayden: No, it's the Hobbit because dragon. Actually, it's every medieval movie ever because dragon.]

 

"Are you...Dradius?"

 

[steel: HE JUST SAID HIS NAME...aw forget it.]

 

"Yes...." Dradius said. He was a giant dark dragon.

 

[Jjs: A big...BLACK...dragon in jail...

 

*sigh* So many jokes I could make, moving along, moving along...]

 

"Well...you're welcome. I'm off to free my friends!" Blubber said.

 

[Hayden: Didn't all or most of your friends die? Besides, 27's a crowd.]

 

"STOP!" Dradius yelled as he blew some fire at him.

 

[Jjs: Dradius wants Fried Blubber Nuggets! They're chewy!]

[steel: I'll take a whole box of 'em.]

[Hayden: There are better ways to get someone's attention.]

[Trophy: Dark fire? Oh shoot, that's some ATLA stuff there, y'know from that finding the true meaning of fire-bending episode with the sun warriors and the dance of the dragon... I'm the only one to remember? Okay then.]

 

"Whoa, what do you want?" Blubber asked.

 

"Not want, but tell.....the Great Race is coming..." Dradius said.

 

[Trophy: EVERYBODY'S SUPER SONI- *gets hit with a coconut* OW!]

[Clappy: Oh dear god, not another meaningless big scheme that will go horribly bland.]

[Hayden: Is it a Ridonculous Race?]

 

"Wait, what the fuck are you going on about?" Blubber asked.

 

[Jjs: Why does Blubber seem to ask the most legit questions of everyone in this whole lit?]

[Hayden: Because he's being given the "give no fucks" attitude.]

 

"The Great Race...an event held every 50 years...only the strong ones may compete...the ultimate winner receives a prize beyond calculation.." Dradius said.

 

[Jjs: Hmm...where have I heard this before...]

[steel: Only 47 years more for the next one. I'll be waiting, Lit.]

[Hayden: *grabs calculator* Try me, >_>]

 

"I...shouldn't like it, but I do." Blubber said.

 

[Jjs: Okay, for real, is Blubber drugged out of his mind right now? The fact he just keeps spewing random lines to himself is making me think so, especially the random medieval movie comparisons. Of course, we don't know how long this takes place after Season 1 (I never really said honestly, but I guess a few months?), so maybe the heat got to his head and he's imagining a dragon...except he isn't.]

[Clappy: What jjs said. All this focus on Blubber is just a waste of time to me because nothing is happening. It’s exposition after endless exposition that this first installment of the second season is boring the ever living fuck out of me. I’m begging for something to actually happen here because nothing will make this more worth my while.]

[Hayden: Fight the temptation of the ring/race, Frodo Blubbins!]

 

"I also see you mentioned friends...I'll be willing to help you out." Dradius said.

 

"Hell yes," Blubber said.

 

[Hayden: With the staff they employ, I don't think you need a giant black dragon for this.]

 

"I see we reached a conclusion. You freed me, I'll help you. And I know what it is like to have your friends taken from you..." Dradius said.

 

"What happened to em, doc?" Blubber asked.

 

[Jjs: Wow, Blubber might as well have auditioned for ATTWL 3. He got every trait right from it before it was even written.]

[steel: Last time I checked, Blubber doesn't talk like Bugs Bunny.]

[Hayden: Was Jjs really into TLTS back then?]

 

"They are no more. Sealed away in towers like me. 

 

[Trophy: Sorry, your princess is in another castle.]

[Clappy: ….what? I’m sorry Blubber, but our mystical creature is in another tower. Might as well be a reference to Super Mario Brothers because that’s such a lazy circumstance.]

[Hayden: Who thought it was a good idea to put a prison near a tower containing a dragon?]

 

But...I am still in contact with one.." Dradius said.

 

[Hayden: On Facebook? Do the towers get internet or cell reception? If they do, what are you complaining about?]

 

"I feel ya buddy, I do. I'll help you find your friends if you help me." Blubber suggested.

 

"I appreciate your offer, but alas, it would be impossible...unless you were the Grand Ruler..." Dradius said.

 

[Jjs: the who now]

[Hayden:  ]

 

"Alright, save this mumbo jumbo for later, because you're confusing the shit out of me." 

 

[Clappy: Preach.]

[Hayden: I'd rather all the exposition now than later.]

 

Blubber said as he walked outside. He pointed to the prison.

 

[steel: The way WB's character is written so far is confusing me. The WhaleBlubber I know would at least troll that sudden OC.]

 

"Yes, I will do so my companion." Dradius said. WhaleBlubber hopped on him.

 

[Hayden: *searches internet for fitting picture* Blast it...

 

Crop that onto a dragon in your head.]

 

They flew up to the prison, and Dradius breathed some dark fire, causing some explosions.

 

[Jjs: Did Michael Bay direct this episode now?]

[Clappy: Did Uwe Boll direct this episode now?]

[steel: Pretty sure...]

[Hayden: Pretty sure that just killed all the prisoners.]

 

"CODE RED-" The alarm was busted.

 

[Jjs: That alarm was a true hero, yelling orders to the oblivious security guards. R.I.P. Alarm.]

[Hayden: But it couldn't even tell it was dark fire instead of red fire. It should have said Code Dark.]

 

Dradius flew through the prison, burning the cells, melting the cages holding the trolls and spammers.

 

[Jjs: Time out. May I ask something? So, under the assumption this prison is for internet criminals (lol did I just say that)...

 

WHY IS THERE A DRAGON NEAR IT???]

[steel: You wrote him, just like how I wrote Malelimin.]

[Jjs: Gah, I know, let me have some fun. ]

[Clappy: Well, at least this hilariously bad sequence has my attention now. Better late than never in this chapter.]

[Hayden: OH GOSH, A BUNCH OF MURDERERS HAVE BEEN LET LOO....oh.]

 

"Free deals on belly fat, boy?" tradebuzzing asked, being freed.

 

[Jjs: Obligatory pointless cameo from an obscure spammer.]

[Clappy: Aww, but I actually enjoyed this pointless cameo.]

[Hayden: Belly fat is still expensive even if WhaleBlubber has a lot to go around.] 

 

The cops fired their guns, but it was no use.

 

[Trophy:

Sonic vid count 2 (almost 3 THANKS A FREAKIN LOT COCO- *gets hit again*).]

[Jjs: I guess they took shooting lessons from ATTWL 3!CDCB and 70s.]

[Hayden: Only an arrow with a special tip can pierce the dragon. I saw it in a medieval movie once.]

 

Dradius blew fire at them, and Blubber and Dradius hopped out of a cell, as it exploded.

 

[steel: Strike three from Michael Bay.]

 

They landed onto the ground.

 

[Jjs: Such suspense. I almost thought they got caught in the explosion!]

[steel: I would've suspected that there was a lava pit hovering below if it wasn't for that clarification.]

[Clappy: ….but don’t dragons have wings for a reason?]

[Hayden: Shhh Clappy, it made for a cool shot. Even though no one is filming this...]

 

"Thanks man. They'll be fine, and hopefully they can get their way out." Blubber said as he shook Dradius' claw.

 

[Dradius: *rips Blubber's hand off*]

 

"Yes, I give you thanks." Dradius said as he was about to fly away.

 

"Wait! What is this Great Race nonsense?" Blubber asked.

 

[steel: It's probably nonsense.]

 

"In due time, you will see. For now, I must seek out my friends..." Dradius said as he flew away.

 

[Clappy: Sorry Blubber, but your vague exposition is in another chapter.]

[Hayden: But how will you free them without spam sorcery?]

 

"Well....that was odd, but he was one badass dude. Hopefully I can find out more about this Great Race nonsense, and win it." Blubber said.

 

[Hayden: Inb4 Hassan wins it?]

 

We see Dradius in a temple location.

 

[Jjs: The Temple of Doom, I assume.]

 

"Master....it is almost time.." Dradius said as he bowed down.

 

[steel: Almost time for Gravity Falls to come on? Suit yourself.]

 

"Ah...Dradius, I see our contact paid off." A mysterious shadowy figure appeared. He had two giant red eyes.

 

[Clappy: Red. The eyes of E.V.I.L.]

[Hayden: Another jackass bowing to some mysterious master? Yawn.]

 

"Yes, I managed to escape with some help." Dradius said.

 

"I see....your mission now, Dradius: Find the other 3, release them, participate in the Great Race, and the prize is ours..." The figure said as he disappeared.

 

[Hayden:  ]

[Jjs: DUN DUN DUN.

 

I'll admit this episode wasn't too bad of a start. It was a little better than the Season 1 premiere, but the pacing and writing still need a lot of work. Sorry if my riffs weren't up to par, but I had very few witty comments to make. Hopefully this season isn't as bad as BT S2 which I said didn't have a bad start either, and look where that went. We'll see how this goes, and if S2 really is as bad as I make it to be.]

[steel: Not a bad start, but not a good start either. For one thing, I never thought a Lit could make WhaleBlubber sound so much less natural and spot on. 25 more episodes, this is going to be a long ride.]

[Clappy: 80% of this chapter bored the ever living hell out of me. I don’t know if you could tell by my uninterested riffing but I just could not get into this. So much exposition and so much boredom. Way too much Blubber monologue and once the chapter finally got my attention, it ended with a whimper of lame. I don’t know who red eyes is but I guarantee you it will be another shamed user who will have a poor elaborate backstory that will be a letdown. But yeah, I hated this more for being dull than anything else. Thanks for inviting me back jjs. I’ll see you next time.]

[Hayden: Basically it was just another opportunity to get a bunch of jabs in at WhaleBlubber, my would be troll rival. But then we met....a giant dragon named Dradius. Let's hope Jjs knows how to write a dragon entertainingly and that this isn't another failed character in the making. Hayden bustin out homies. *shoots spam (AHGFHGFJDSJ346hhb) at theater door and runs into the light of day* AH, IT BURNS!]

[Trophy: *avoiding coconuts* YOU NEVER HAD PROBLEMS WITH ME BEFORE, WHY NOW? Oh, we're on the air still? Well, I'm confused as to what I read and I don't feel like knowing. *hits self with coconut*]

 

Edited May 2, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Jjs Goodman]

SBC Parallel Universe Season 2

28. The Race Begins

Spoiler

28. The Race Begins

[Jjs: ON YOUR MARKS, GET SET...RIFF!]
[OMJ: Ohey, I'm back. ]

One day, 70s checked his email.

[Jjs: To see if he got a reply to the fan email he sent to Chord Overstreet, I assume.]
[OMJ: Either that or alleged blackmail from himself/Blubber.]

"Hey guys, check this out!" He said, pointing to an odd invitation.

"Whose it from?" Tvguy asked.

[JCM: What's an "it from", and why does Tvguy want to know who it belongs to?]
[Jjs: Maybe forumotion is inviting them for another review...oh wait, this was written on vBulletin. So, a vBulletin review then?]
[OMJ: Given the odd invitation and timeframe, maybe it's SOF inviting everybody to "come fuck up tvguy and then hump his leg after making an ass of myself" week on SECC.]

"Dunno, it mentions something about a race with a prize beyond power.." 70s said.

[Jjs: Well, there went both of my theories...yes, I know I wrote all the episodes, let me have some fun, sheesh.]
[OMJ: So the prize is to eat dirt?]
[JCM: No, the prize is a copy of SBCPU's home game.]

"Beyond power? Hopefully it is money, because I fucking need some to pay for the new site." Tv replied.

[Jjs: Where's my FUCKING money Denny?!]
[OMJ: You could always try a donation pool, I'm sure Shin's got some of dat Macy's money to splurge.]

"Hey, it is being held at the Opposite Island....I say we go there just to check it out." 70s said. He called some SBC members,

[JCM: which isn't vague at all]

and they set off.

[Jjs: Of course, it just HAPPENS to be held at Opposite Island, which I have to admit felt like an excuse for me to connect the two seasons. Though, I am wondering how they are going to explain all of the opposite robots to the visitors.]
[OMJ: At least such a big racing event should help drum up the economy there, from what Crush tells me.]

We then cut to SBM.

[OMJ: Oh, SBC/SBM drama: lit ratings gold.]

"Race, eh? Count me in." Mothra said.

[Jjs: That was a fast scene.]
[JCM: If only it had the furiousness to back it up.]
[OMJ: You think she's that fast in bed? Ehhh, I'm sure hilaryfan80 would know.]

We see Dradius in the liar from the episode before.

[Jjs: THE LAIR IS STILL A LIE!]
[OMJ: So 70s has a "big, black dragon" in him. I know, I'm terrible!]

"The time has come...." His master said.

"50 years I've been waiting..." Dradius laughed.

[JCM: Like Yoda I am speaking.]
[Jjs: Well, whatever this "Great Race" is, it better be fucking worth it for a dragon to spend 50 years of his life waiting for it.]
[OMJ: Well then, just shut up and fuck already! Shit!]

We see 3 others appear.

One of them was named Phalos, a pegasus like creature.

[OMJ: If there ever was time to wing it, NOW WOULD BE THAT TIME!]
[JCM: Phalos? More like phallus! *insert Beavis and Butthead-like laughter here*]

There was one named Gargos, who resembles a gargoyle.

[OMJ: I bet he's hard already. lol! no? K, I'll stop...]
[JCM: What a creative name.]

And the last one was Flareix, who was a phoenix.

[OMJ: His crotch must be flaring somethin fierce right about now afterallthattime-I know, I said I'll stop!]

[Jjs: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Literally in the previous episode, Dradius said his friends were trapped. How did they all escape without any explanation!? As the author, you can just simply infer Dradius released them off-screen (with some spam I assume to break down those gosh dang doors), but a citation would be nice so people aren't totally confused...]

"Dark Ones....it has been 50 years. It is time for us to win that race, defeat the Grand Ruler, and claim our prize!" The shadow yelled.

[JCM: He's taking that SBCPU home game seriously.]
[OMJ: That damn Shadow from Bear in the Big Blue House was always a loud ass beeotch.]

"Also, as a promotion to him for freeing Phalos, Gargos and Flareix, Dradius will be the pilot of the team." The shadow said.

"Thank you my lord," Dradius replied.

[OMJ: Yes, now bow down and suck the shadow of his dick.]

"But what if the Grand Ruler suspects something?" Phalos asked.

"Keep it down-low then.

[JCM: If you're gonna use a cliché, use it right.]

Failure is not an option." The shadow said as he disappeared.

[Jjs: So the shadow is suitelife all over again. I can say this time though, the shadow is not a user...]
[bear in the Big Blue House: Goodbye now!]

We cut to the island, where thousands of people are.

[OMJ: All for some race that's taking place on the Internet? And I thought I didn't have a life.]

"Hot damn boy, this is one tournament. What are the details?" OMJ asked.

[OMJ: YEEEAAAH BUDDEH! Our savior has arrived!]
[JCM: It would have been a good idea to ask what you'd be doing before you traveled all the way to this island.]

"All we know is there is some great prize." 70s said.

[70s: Since I've already eaten so much dicks, I really want to try dirt now.]

Just then, SOF appeared.

[Jjs: Just like that.]
[OMJ: Hello God, it's me, Old Man Jenkins.]

"Hello folks! Welcome to the Great Race!" SOF replied.

[JCM: What did he reply to? As the previous line was nice enough to point out, he literally just appeared.]
[OMJ: Did Jjs proofread his announcing too?]

"SOF, what are you doing here?" Clappy asked.

[Jjs: That is a good question.]

"heh, I am helping out hosting it," SOF said. "Let me show you to your hanger." SOF said as they followed him.

[OMJ: Well, only one of us will be able to hang our coat on it. AND IT'S GONNA BE ME!]
[JCM: For my next magic trick, I'll make two lines of dialogue...into one!]

They came to a field with hundreds of hangers.

[Jjs: I know hangers are beautiful, but that's a little inappropriate if you ask me.]
[OMJ: Given that there's thousands of people with (I'm assuming) clothes on, I don't think that's gonna cut it.]

SOF showed them to theirs, which had the SBC logo on the outside.

"well folks, it is time for me to explain. This is the Great Race, a special event held every 50 years to crown a Great Ruler; a person with powers beyond calculation-" SOF was then interrupted.

[JCM: Beyond calculation? Can the Great Ruler divide by zero?]

"So basically God? Holy shit." Elastic said.

[Jjs: How dare you interrupt SOF?! Holy shit man.]
[OMJ: Yeah, don't you know you're already speaking to God?!]

"i guess so, but anyways every 50 years it is held on a new location. Great Ruler asked me to pick a place, and he did the rest. people from all over the world can participate in this race if they choose to.

[OMJ: And ISIS, North Korea, Russia, Iran, etc. are just letting this chance to hold absolute, unadulterated power slip by them because whyyyy?]

there are 3 courses on the island. there are 60 teams in total. When a race occurs, only 1 will win. Once you lose, you're out of the game folks. 3 winners will be selected from each courses and the 9 teams will go to the finals. You guys will be on....Course 1. there are 20 riders in each course. The prize you receive is becoming the Great Ruler...but with another epic prize..." SOF explained, almost out of breath. "basically, we're reviving Oban Star-Racers, but SBC style," SOF chuckled.

[JCM: tl;dr]
[Jjs: Well, at least unlike ANOTHER SPIN-OFF PRAISED AROUND THIS TIME, I confessed this entire season was just a parody of Oban Star-Racers. Still though, I love how SOF seems to only speak proper English in this story for the sake of exposition. I did this so the exposition wasn't too confusing, but it's going to be jarring when SOF makes another typo...and he will, eventually.]
[OMJ: Jeez, you couldn't take inspiration from something that people do know, like Wacky Races?]

"While this sounds badass...where is our rider?" OMJ asked.

[OMJ: Jeez, I DO WONDER?]
[Jjs: You're looking at him!...or rather, you are him.]

"i getting to that.

[Jjs: That was sooner than I expected.]
[JCM: I'm not really sure when SOF's bad grammar is intentional or accidental just because it's so inconsistent.]

Anyways, my fellow SBCers, you will be the SpongeBob Community Team.

[Jjs: DUDE, NO WAY! Totally thought they were going to be the SpongeBuddy Mania team.]
[OMJ: At least they have a better chance at not failing than SpongeBob Universe would.]

One person will be your pilot...so choose *wisely*" SOF said.

[JCM: Asterisk. Wisely. Asterisk.]
[OMJ: Muh'fucka says that like we ain't *wise* or nuttin.]

"Shouldn't that be SBC.com Team?" Sebastian joked.

[Jjs: Oh hey Seb. Didn't know you were in this season.]
[OMJ: Way to get yourself killed in the first episode, guy.]

"Now, since you guys don't already have a ship, you guys can manually build one from the tools in here. Good luck!" SOF replied, as he left them and went on.

[JCM: It's a good thing they've all had years of training in architecture, or they'd be screwed.]

"This is all strange, but I like it nonetheless. So...who will be our pilot?" Clappy asked.

"I got dibs," OMJ said as he raised his hands. Everyone agreed to OMJ.

[OMJ: Well, that wasn't wise at all...]
[Jjs: All in favor of OMJ, say I! Seriously though, nobody else on SBC was that interested in becoming a pilot to win a PRIZE BEYOND CALCULATION? Or is this supposed to be a representation of vBulletin's activity at the time?]

"Alright, now we need to build a racer...any ideas?" Clappy asked.

"I has an idea." OMJ said.

[Jjs: Mr. Krabs, OMJ has an ideeeeaaaa!]
[JCM: Does he also has a cheeseburger? (Overused lolcat reference ftw!)]
[OMJ: Yeah, where the hell is Hassan so he can pull one out of his ass?]
[Jjs: Oh yeah, for those wondering where our good pal Hassan is, he's not in this season at all. I kind of phased him out after Season 1 ended when he became less and less active, and decided to focus on another user as the protagonist this season. But...is the protagonist OMJ? Keep reading to find out...]

An hour later, he finished his racer.

[OMJ: W-What's this? Have I just been promoted to new Hassan?]

It had an orange cockpit, and yellow colors on the wings.

[OMJ: I don't even like those colors. ]

The wings slanted down, and it had missiles in the front of them. (Since I suck at details, just picture this, but SBC style)

[JCM: No.]
[Jjs: Well, I have to admit that's pretty lazy on my part, if I can't even describe things and have to link to an image instead. But eh, I doubt details will be the first thing on your mind with the amount of ridiculousness this season has.]
[OMJ: Alright, I'm imagining just that but with a lot of drama thrown in at the time.]

"Looks awesome OMJ!" Ex said.

[OMJ: Oh hey, a time when Ex liked me.]

"Let's call it the Pulp Rider." OMJ suggested.

[Jjs: Obligatory Pulp Fiction reference.]
[OMJ: I think Post Rider would've been better.]

"Anything is fine for me at this point." 70s said.

[Jjs: That's wonderful to hear, 70s.]
[OMJ: Just join the Glee Forums Team why won't ya?]
[JCM: 70s is apparently the crushingmayhem of this lit.]

SOF checked up on them.

"good jon guys!" SOF said.

[OMJ: Anything made by me would be full of shit, thank you for pointing that out SOF.]

"since i rushed things a bit to explain things to the others, I'll give you guys some time to practice and what not," SOF said as he left.

[OMJ: It's like he's almost giving us the edge over the others.]

"Wait...how did you get to be the Great Ruler's helper?" tvguy asked.

[JCM: The same way you get into any important position. Sexual favors.]

"heh, I personally know him." SOF said.

"How?" JCM asked.

[Jjs: Oh hey JCM. Didn't know you were in this season either.]
[sOF: i'll rell yuo wen your older.]
[JCM: Aw, shucks!]

"It long story,

[OMJ: I bet. ]

anyways be thankful I told him to send an invitation to you guys," SOF said as he left.

[OMJ: SOF bringing a whole new meaning to "thank god".]

"Good ole OddJob," OMJ said.

[OMJ: Oh, the time I gave everyone stupid nicknames.]
[JCM: OddJob happens to be one of the sexual favors he performed.]

He then practiced a bit with racing. He had some stumps, but he got the hang of it.

[OMJ: That just sounds painful. But anything for my good pal, Stump!
]

"It checks out," OMJ said.

[Jjs: That's wonderful to hear, OMJ. Seriously though, OMJ can become a pro pilot of advanced ships in 10 seconds? I could become a master sailor in 10 seconds then. By this point in the lit, I think the pacing is one of its biggest issues. My explanations for a lot of things feel very underdeveloped or lazy, as shown here.]
[OMJ: Well, I am the new Hassan after all.]

They then went to the arena, and saw a race going on. Mothra was facing another pilot.

[JCM: That pilot was from United SpongeBob Forums, so naturally, nobody cared about him.]

"Ugh, SBM...I hope they lose." tvguy said.

[Jjs: Oh hooray, another SBC/SBM conflict. Yup, that conflict isn't over yet...]
[OMJ: What? No race-related puns about how "slow" their activity was at the time?]

"Enough with your SBM bashing. Karma may get us." 70s said.

[OMJ: And boy did it once vBulletin bust. And every other time Crushing contradicts himself, I guess.]

Mothra shot a missile from her ship, and it knocked down the pilot, giving the SpongeBuddy Mania Team a win.

[Jjs: That ship must have been pretty damn thin.]
[JCM: Blame United SpongeBob's budget cuts.]

"And, the SpongeBuddy Mania Team wins the match!" JeremyCreek said their opponent's symbol disappeared and SBM's symbol went up on a stone chart.

"btw guys, this is my friend JC, he'll be helping me spectate," SOF said.

[Jjs: Thanks SOF, another character who won't do much in the grand scheme of the story is always welcome, especially an obscure one.]
[OMJ: So the bratty ginger kid from the Town That Santa Claus Forgot has been proof reading for SOF this whole time?]

We see SOF and JC on the stands, and they announce the next round:

"And folks, the next round is....the SpongeBob Community Team VS. The Gristles!" SOF yelled.

[JCM: The whats]
[Jjs: Mrs. Gristlepuss' family?]
[OMJ: Should've been Jjs and I calling all this hot action. Just sayin.]

"Oh boy, get ready guys!" tvguy said.

[OMJ: "Get ready morons!" is what I'm sure he meant to say.]

We see OMJ get in his racer, and his opponent is "Garg". He has a rusty steel ship, blowing out lots of smoke.

[Jjs: He better pass the toke, unlike Jss. Seriously though, what kind of name is Garg?]
[JCM: Now I know why they're evil: they're contributing to climate change!]

"Come on OMJ, you can take this hunk of junk down!" Elastic yelled.

"And.....begin!" SOF and JC yelled. The gate opened, and the two began to race through a rocky course.

"Whoa there, hold on!" OMJ said as he fired missiles at Garg.

"Die pitiful internet scum!" Garg yelled as he rammed into OMJ's ship.

[OMJ: Well, he's not wrong there.]
[Garg: Whoa, I have dialogue now?!]

They came to two giant pipes,

[JCM: Courtesy of Super Mario Bros.]
[OMJ: Lemme guess! We smoked em?!]

and OMJ flew through one, while Garg flew through the other. When Garg came out, OMJ fired at will, and his ship went smashing to the ground.

[OMJ: I guess you could say I "smoked" him-ALRIGHT I'LL STOP, DAMN.]

"Hellz yeah!" OMJ said. The gate was miles away, but he had a chance to win.

[JCM: When your opponent has been destroyed, you have a little more than "a chance" to win.]

"Well folks, it looks like-"

[Jjs: This lit really loves cutting off at the best moments, doesn't it?]
[OMJ: ...it's time for a...goddamn...hero... =\]

Just then, as OMJ almost made it to the gate, his ship exploded into two pieces, and went smashing into the surface.

[Jjs: Well, that's our story folks. OMJ's dead, good night!]
[OMJ: Well, there goes my interest. *leaves theater* DON'T CALL ME BACK!]
[JCM: A ship he built in an hour was structurally deficient? What a surprise!]

Edited December 30, 2016 by jjsthekid

[Metal Snake]

I liked these a lot better than the episode 27 riffs (sorry, I got bored with them at some parts), so many funny lines.