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Jinjo

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Bikini Top Season 2

 

21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me
31. Express Yourself
32. Pray For You
33. Under My Bed
34. The Chosen
35. Big Cities, Vampirism, and Thewots
36. Sing
37. Strength
38. Something to Die For
39. Nothing Else Matters

 

40. Worst. Episode. Ever:

 

Spoiler

Intentionally bad BT? Challenge accepted. Now, note that this isn't Family Guy-esque like requested, but instead semi-parodies people trying too hard to be funny (in recent memory, Spin-Off Action reboot 428899.gif) while it itself is not really funny.

 

[Jjs: So yeah, for those wondering about the story behind this episode, back in summer 2011 we had a crazy phase of when users would dare each other to do whacky and bizarre things. Someone (I think either OMJ or Ex?) dared 70s to write an intentionally bad episode of Bikini Top. Yeah, I laughed at that too.]

[Wumbo: I guess they were trying to give 70s an excuse? Good on them.]

[Clappy: I doubt this will be as memorable as the Spin-Off Action reboot though….which is being rebooted again….coming soon. Sorry, had to do a cheap plug since we are riffing Bikini Top. The king of self-plugging spin-offs. Reviews please. :D]

 

Without further ado...

 

107942517498.png

 

[Jjs: Beautiful image. This is a work of Picasso.]

 

S2E20 (40) - Worst. Episode. Ever. : 

 

[Jjs: I highly doubt that, considering the drivel we've seen so far, but sure, let's give it a shot.]

[Hayden: An episode aware of how awful it is? I'm genuinely excited now!]

 

Previously on Bikini Top... You know what, fuck you guys.

 

[Clappy: Thank you. Like this season hasn’t been a giant fuck you enough.]

[Hayden: Finally, a recap that engages the audience.]

[Trophy: But I don't wanna fuck the other riffers. Well, if I have to... *goes to fuck the other riffers but they run away*]

 

Okay, um... that one teenage mom girl whose daughter we never even get to see,

 

[Hayden: R.I.P. Charlea, poor thing fell into the clutches of the Disney Channel. Hmph, "good luck" getting out of that trash hole.]

[Clappy: That’s ok 70s. We’ve forgotten the endless parade of characters this spin-off has had too.]

 

she wanted to drop out of high school and become some trailer trash, but her momma wasn't havin' that and they had a touching moment or something.

 

[Hayden: Oh no, Jackie's mom is a pedophile now too?! When will the madness end?!]

 

And those other two was fighting, that guy with the name from Twilight and the Morgan chick. He hit her and she was just like, "Hoe! I've done that shit before!"

 

[Hayden: Morgan has used gardening tools before?]

[Wumbo: Still a better callback to Liam than any other episode.]

[Clappy: Well, at least the title of “hoe” applies to any of these characters.]

 

And that one vampire dude, Hershey

 

[Hayden: Nobody wants Hershey's kisses.]

 

I think, told that dead girl's mom he loved her by accident or some shit, oh, and her daughter that was still alive saw that she was a vampire then she made her forget... yeah. Then, vampire action and stuff. And some witch stuff. It's confusing as shit since I don't read this thing,

 

[Hayden: I'd believe that was the case back then.]

 

but you motherfuckers do,

 

[Hayden: I don't believe that was the case back then.]

[Wumbo: Uh, it actually was. You must be in the denial stage of grief.]

[Clappy: You know, this is unintentional comedy gold, but the fact that he implies that we remember that overlong previous episode is giving us way too much credit.]

 

so you just catch up. Anyways... yeah... here's a new episode!

 

[Trophy: 70s, why don't you do this more often?]

[Jjs: Wow, we're off to a good start. Maybe we won't have to riff it if 70s is riffing himself.]

[Hayden: No, you know what, 70s is not going to steal our motherfucking job, I WILL OUTRIFF HIS RIFFS JUST TO PROVE A POINT!]

 

"I'm gettin' the fuck out of this joint!" Arianna yelled, and then ran away.

 

[Hayden: But you and Kara could team up and ruin your brothers' lives together!]

[Clappy: Bitch, I don’t even remember why the fuck you wanna get out of this joint to begin with.]

[Trophy: So Astenias being killed broke her spell? Or is she skipping out on the joke episode, and returning for the next normal episode? If the second one, then BOOOOO!]

 

"Good riddance," Kara said.

 

[Hayden: You can say that again.]

[Jjs: Good riddance.]

 

Bryan, Glinda, and Anna grabbed Naomi, Seth, and Molly and got the fuck out of there Scooby-Doo style.

 

[Jjs: Cue the Yakety Sax.]

[scooby: RUH ROH.]

[shaggy: "ZOINKS! We got to get out of here man before that scary Morrigan lady steals our Scooby snacks!"]

[Clappy: With today’s special guest stars….Davy Jones, The Harlem Globetrotters, Bob Denver, Adam West…….]

 

~~~

 

Jake knocked on Morgan's door. She didn't answer, so he got a brick and threw it at the door. She still didn't answer so he threw a manatee at the door. The manatee hit the door then flailed around a little bit, then eventually left.

 

[Jjs: Jake can pick up a manatee? He must really be He-Man!]

[Clappy: And the even funnier twist is that the manatee was Jackie this whole time.]

[Jake: "GODDAMNIT, I'M ALL OUT OF THE USUAL WAYS PEOPLE OPEN DOORS! *picks up whale and prepares to smash it through the door*]

[Whale: Wait, don't throw me, I've got a solid idea man. *turns the doorknob and it opens up* Yeah, she still hasn't learned to lock this shit.]

[Liam: I've been sneaking into her house and stealing her food for months, I figured if I raped her again she might actually learn from her mistake and I'd be out of an easy affordable way to get my groceries. It isn't easy being a rapist you know, it looks terrible on our resumes!]

[Trophy: Tell me about it, I got forced onto that train man, it was sad and sick brotha. Well *picks up rusty train and throws at whale.]

[Whale: FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!]

 

Heather opened the door. "What the hell Jake?"

 

"Sorry, Heidi," Jake said.

 

"Heidi?"

 

"I'm sorry... I've known you for years, but I don't actually know your name."

 

[Jjs: I wouldn't want to know her name either.]

[Hayden: Heidi, eh? A fitting name since people hide from child predators.]

[Clappy: This sounds more like the asshole Jake we’ve grown to know.]

 

"Well that's nice," Heather said.

 

[Hayden: What part of it would you say is the nicest?]

 

"Where's Morgan?"

 

"She doesn't want to see you."

 

[Hayden: "And neither does the father of my child, he's still ready to kill you over that David incident."]

 

"Why not?"

 

[Hayden: *pulls out 10 mile long list* Where would you like me to start?]

[Jake: At the beginning, and read as slowly as humanly possible.]

[Hayden: Stupid illiterate fish cutting into my ballet classes.....]

 

"I don't know," Heather said. "She doesn't tell me anything. I didn't even know she was staying her until last night. I've been too busy with morning sickness and some cramps."

 

"Morning sickness? What?"

 

[Hayden: Oh right, Jake should know all the signs of pregnancy by now. Congratulations to Bryan on being the only non-baby daddy male main character left.]

[Clappy: Jake clearly wasn’t there to witness all the pregnancy pains due to his ever demanding job at the Smoothie Shack.]

 

"Nothing."

 

"Honestly, do you know where she is?"

 

"Yes."

 

[Jake's Peanut Brain: "GREAT! This will solve everything!"]

 

"Can I see her?"

 

"No."

 

[Hayden: rejection-stamp.jpg ]

 

"Why?"

 

"Because I said so."

 

"Why'd you say so?"

 

[Jjs: "Because I fucked one of your friends."]

[Hayden: "Because I'm a fully functioning adult with the mental and emotional state of a teenager."]

 

"This is getting old," Heather said.

 

[Clappy: Was this what Seth told Heather the reason for them no longer being together?]

 

"I'm shutting the door now."

 

And she did.

 

[Hayden: Don't forget to lock it.]

 

"Fuck youuuuuu!" Jake yelled, then left. Why? He had to go to work.

 

[Trophy: Meh scene, the Fuck youuuuuuu took it away.]

[Hayden: Just come over later and have the exact same conversation, it will work like a charm.]

 

~~~

 

Jake arrived at work, and SpongeBob and Patrick were there.

 

[Jjs: WHOA! Let's see their importance to this episode.]

[Hayden: THAT'S A BIGGER TWIST THAN ASTENIAS DYING! Now only Liam and Squidward are to be accounted for.]

[Clappy: Shut up and take my money.]

 

"You guys are here? I forgot you existed?"

 

[Jjs: Wow, so did we!]

[Hayden: WHAT A CRAZY COINCIDENCE!]

[Wumbo: I’m just glad to have them back.]

[Trophy: GREAT! Now where's Squidward? Wait...."I forgot you existed"? So SpongeBob and Patrick are one person now?! PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE!]

[Proofread Neglect Police Officer: Since this episode is a joke, any errors are passable for this episode only. See you guys next episode, possibly.]

 

"We work here, REMEMBER?!!" SpongeBob yelled.

 

[Trophy: SpongeBob for best yeller of all time.]

[Hayden: That wasn't in the fantastic recap above so NOPE. I only remember what 70s tells me to remember.]

[Clappy: SpongeBob yelling? Surprised it wasn't SpongeBob crying.]

 

"Didn't that70sguy92 say there would be an IMPORTANT EPISODE about us in the Smoothie Shack?" Patrick said.

 

[Trophy: I wish.]

[Jjs: I figured 70s would eventually reference himself. And sorry Patrick, but you two will probably go back to being nonexistent after this episode.]

[Hayden: Is this that important episode? Let's see what climactic thing is about to happen!]

[Wumbo: *bates breath*]

 

"What?" Jake asked.

 

"SOILED IT! SOILED IT!" SpongeBob yelled.

 

[Hayden: SPONGEBOB, CALM DOWN! THIS STORY HAS BROKEN THE 4TH WALL MANY TIMES BEFORE!]

[Wumbo: It’s funny because… callback?]

 

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!" Patrick moaned.

 

[Jjs: Hey, this is a SpongeBob spin-off, remember? Of course not, so let's throw in two random quotes of theirs! It beats putting effort into characters, anyways.]

[Hayden: This is the most in-character he's kept anyone all season.]

 

"You know what, I quit," said Jake.

 

[Hayden: You should probably tell your boss that first and not two idiot characters from a different town.]

[Clappy: You still worked there?]

 

"BYE JAKE!" they both yelled.

 

[Jjs: NOOO JAKE, THE SMOOTHIE SHACK NEEDS YOU!]

[Hayden: THIS IS A SUCH A TRAGIC DAY, THE LAST APPEARANCE OF SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK MOST DEFINITELY. :(]

[Clappy: Bye any remaining credibility this had as a SpongeBob spin-off.]

 

~~~

 

Brenda ran to Hersht.

 

"So, heard you love me from a little birdie."

 

[Trophy: Well, I'm skipping this one, joke or not.]

[Hayden: Underwater birds? Then why did they make Angry Clams instead of Angry Birds? Marketing jackasses.]

[Wumbo: BOOOOOO… sorry, are we still booing “Angry Clams”?]

 

"That little birdie was me, you eavesdropping bitch," Hersht said.

 

[Hayden: That's right Hershey, assert yourself, let that bitch know she isn't allowed to hear anything you mumble out loud to yourself like an idiot.]

 

"Haha."

 

"I do love you, okay? But we can't do anything about it since you're married and some other stuff or something... and I can't hear your problems anymore. They only make me feel worse because I'm a vampire pussy, I think."

 

[Jjs: Don't you mean you want the vampire pussy, Hersht?]

[Hayden: Oh right, speaking of Hersht being a pussy, now he has no goal in life since someone else killed Astenias. Wah wah wah....]

 

"Angst," said Brenda, and left.

 

[Hayden: Yeah, enough of that shit, go have a bland scene with Tristan about how you love vampires now instead of him.]

[Clappy: I'm surprised these characters still have any importance. The big bad guy is dead. Can't they just go away forever?]

 

~~~

 

Heather went and threw up in the toilet.

 

[Wumbo: Barf Imagery: High art.

...hey, I was the one who started the gag!]

 

Morgan was right behind her, and screamed.

 

"Why are you screaming?" Heather asked.

 

[Hayden: "I've never seen someone puke before, it's pretty terrifying, also I like following you into your own bathroom for shits and giggles."]

 

"I don't know," Morgan said, and shrugged. "Why are you puking."

 

[Jjs: "Because I just NOW realized that maybe, just maybe, having sex with a minor may not have been the best idea. Or I'm pregnant, there's that too."]

[Clappy: I think she has to be the only heterosexual female in this spin-off who hasn't had a pregnancy scare.]

 

"None of your business," said Heather.

 

"But I'm your daughter."

 

"I have a secret," Heather said.

 

[Hayden: 

 

 

This also counts as our opening theme for the episode, I guess bad episodes aren't allowed to have any, or any songs at all for that matter, BUT I'M BREAKING THE RULES!]

 

"What?"

 

"You're adopted."

 

"But... that's not a secret."

 

[Jjs: Well, I keep forgetting, so it must be one to 70s.]

[Hayden: *falls out of chair at that reveal*]

 

"YOU'LL GO TO HELL FOR LYING, HELL-BITCH!"

 

[Clappy: Definitely not as funny as hellmouth or chaos demon....too bad.]

[Trophy: HELL-BITCH! I LIKE THAT! I'VE GOTTA CALL PEOPLE THAT!]

 

~~~

 

Dora and Jordin were sitting down in the woods like they so often do.

 

"So... we're useless aren't we?" Jordin asked.

 

"Yup," said Jordin.

 

[Jjs: 

]

 

[Hayden: DID JORDIN JUST ANSWER HERSELF? WITCHCRAFT, THEY MUST BE WITCHPIRES, A NEW BREED OF STUPID.]

 

Crickets chirp.

 

"DEVELOP US!" they both yell.

 

[Jjs: PREACH!]

[Hayden: NO, YOU WILL JUST SIT THERE, AND YOU WILL WAIT FOR HERSHEY AND BRENDA'S ROMANCE TO BLOOM, AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT!]

[Trophy: Okay, I'll put them out of their misery. *Kills them to see dead characters all in heaven for some reason*]

[Wumbo: Gee, that scene might have been funny if 70s didn’t do this unironically with Jackie in an earlier episode.]

[Clappy: I think this is by far the best scene in this entire show.]

 

~~~

 

Tori was sitting alone in her house. She was used to that, and she figured she should continue getting used to it. Everyone would be gone next year, living in dorms and such, having a bunch of parties and sex.

 

[Hayden: Get some friends your own age you dried up excuse for a hagfish. While you sit around moping Bryan is out killing your vampire dad!]

 

"I should go back to college!" she said. "Oh, I will!" But she knew she wouldn't. She knew she was near the end of her time on the show... on her way to the Island of Written-Off Characters.

 

[Jjs: With SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Charlea and Liam. I think they might have room for one more Go Fish player, so why not?]

[Trophy: Don't forget Trevor and Robbie man.]

[Hayden: No use fighting the inevitable Tori, you'll never get a college education, your only purpose was to provide the main character an area to live after he turned into Batman and lost both his parents.]

[Clappy: Gotta love the Island of Written-Off Characters. Seriously, if the show was this sorts of self-aware, it wouldn't be so bad.]

 

~~~

 

Bryan and Glinda were training, and Glinda complimented Bryan.

 

"Your training is coming along nicely," she said to him.

 

"Anything else you want to say, you ungrateful bitch?"

 

[Hayden: For far too long Glinda has been forcing him to throw knives at boards with no reward or outside communication with anyone, he was bound to snap eventually.]

[Clappy: How about how big of an ungrateful dick you are?]

 

"What?"

 

"I saved your life."

 

"I thanked you for that."

 

"Oh. Well... awkward."

 

[Hayden: Yeah, it is awkward when you grow a backbone and then lose it because she gave you a simple thank you in return.]

[Clappy: More like asshat.]

 

"Yes," she said. "Anyways... I'm doing this spell to get Seth and Naomi to forget what happened and all. And by the way, Naomi isn't wanted anymore."

 

[Hayden: BOO! Worst episode ever or not, that's pretty weak, making them forget everything and writing off your own failed plotline with a throwaway line of dialogue.]

 

"Why isn't she?"

 

[Clappy: Do I have to write a whole novel as to why she isn't wanted anymore? Because I will.]

 

"I fucked a cop," Glinda said.

 

[Jjs: I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! GLINDA IS A WHORE! YOU ALL OWE ME $100!]

[Hayden: *throws money at Jjs* That recurring riff gag was bound to pay off in dividends eventually.]

 

"Really?"

 

"No."

 

[Trophy: DAMMIT! *takes my 100 back and takes another 100 from jjs*]

[Jjs: WHAT?! NOOO! Oh well...I still think she is secretly one.]

[Hayden: Oh. Another COP-out. HAHA GET IT? I'M A COMEDY GENIUS!]

[Clappy: So the point of this is.....?]

 

"Then how?" Bryan asked.

 

"I'm a witch," Glinda said. "I have my ways."

 

"Cool," Bryan said. "So... they're unconscious on the floor. Make them forget."

 

"Done and done," she said with a wave of her fin.

 

"I don't remember spells being that simple before," Bryan observed.

 

[Clappy: Because the spells come out of her ass Bryan.]

 

"That's because they weren't."

 

[Hayden: "We ditched complexity in exchange for everything going back to the status quo rather than continuing what we started last episode."]

 

"Okay."

 

"So... Anna's a witch," Glinda said.

 

"How do you know that?" Bryan asked curiously.

 

[Clappy: Because 70s decided to randomly make her one.]

 

"I know things, Bryan. A lot of things."

 

[70s: HER AND MOLLY ARE SO MYSTERIOUS, IT MAKES THEM SUCH INTRIGUING CHARACTERS, SEE HOW GREAT OF A WRITER I AM?]

 

"How was I supposed to know? You've hardly been developed."

 

"DEVELOP MEEE!!!" Glinda yelled and jumped up and down, starving for attention and character development.

 

[Trophy: BUT I'M MORE HUNGRY! *eats attention and development*]

[Jjs: Don't worry Glinda, I know there are tons of supernatural creatures that will give you attention, if you know what I mean.]

[Hayden: That's enough sugar packets for one day Glinda. NOW BACK INTO THE CLOSET AT ONCE!]

 

~~~

 

Jackie was staying at home that day with Charlea, since she had gotten a call from child services saying she needed to stop ignoring her

 

[Trophy: YAY!]

 

(not canon).

 

[Trophy: Fuck you hell-bitch.]

[Jjs: WHOA, Charlea didn't die? Well, time to call off the mourners. Wait...it's not canon? Alright, call back the mourners, she still might be dead then.]

[Hayden: Why the hell isn't it canon? It's one of the many things within this episode that make so much sense.]

 

"It's gonna be your first birthday soon," Jackie said. "Is it bad that I just realized that?"

 

[Trophy: Nope, not really.]

[Jjs: Yes, yes it is. No wonder 70s lost interest in you.]

[Hayden: All the time skips made her birth date confusing so I won't blame you here Jackie.]

[Clappy: Is it bad that I was figuring 70s would never bring up Charlea ever again? Still plenty of time to kill her off.]

 

~~~

 

(prepare for the only serious scene of the episode)

 

[Trophy: 

]

 

[Jjs: BOOOO!!!!]

[Hayden: Well way to go and ruin it, though what you think is serious is usually mind numbingly hilarious....so go for it.]

[Wumbo: Yeah, watch this be the funniest part of the episode. God, this spin-off can’t even stick to being purposely bad.]

[Clappy: Seriously? Well that's disappointing.]

 

Anna and Molly had been arguing since they had gotten back from the ritual.

 

"You shouldn't have been there!" Molly yelled at her.

 

"I had to save you," Anna told her. "What's so bad about that?"

 

[Jjs: Anna doesn't seem shocked to see Molly again after so long. No...questioning of where she was, or anything?]

[Hayden: Well Molly, you sure were holding up pretty well on your lonesome.....NAWT. WEAKEST. MORRIGAN. EVER.]

[Clappy: What's so bad about that? Well, how about the episode in general?]

 

"You could've been killed! You nearly were!"

 

"We've been over this, Molly!" Anna yelled right back at her. "This relationship isn't one-sided, and it's not going to be! It's a partnership. We protect each other, you don't just protect me. I'm not a damsel in distress, and I don't always need saving."

 

[Trophy: Skipping the rest of this one.]

[Hayden: So Anna isn't Princess Peach and Molly isn't a fat plumber?]

 

"Neither do I!"

 

"You sure did then!"

 

[Clappy: You know Anna, it's not really a partnership when you are simply rubbing it in Molly's face. It just makes you come off as an arrogant bitch.]

 

"And what did you do?" Molly asked. "I heard from Bryan all you did was get captured, and nearly made their ritual that much stronger! Great job!"

 

[Jjs: And of course the one serious scenes ends up being a bitching scene. I'm sleeping for the rest of this one.]

[Hayden: WELL MOLLY, YOU TRY TO TAKE ON RED BOLTS OF FIRING AND SEE IF YOU DON'T GO INTO A COMA OF YOUR OWN.]

 

"You talked to Bryan about it?"

 

"Yeah, he didn't think you should be there either."

 

[Hayden: "You should have stayed in New York for the rest of your life while I was sacrificed".]

 

"Why not?"

 

"He agrees with me that you're not strong enough."

 

[Clappy: Was this off-dialogue? Because I don't recall this at all.]

 

"Did he tell you that other thing? About why they needed me?"

 

"The more fish, the better."

 

[Hayden: Satan loves his fish sacrifices.]

 

"He lied to you," Anna said.

 

"About what?" Molly said.

 

"I'm a witch."

 

[Clappy: You're a wizard Harry.]

 

"You're a what?" Molly asked.

 

[Hayden: Not this shit again.]

[Wumbo: Where my witch bitches at yo.]

 

"You heard me," said Anna. "I'm a witch. I can defend myself."

 

"And when did you find that out?"

 

[Clappy: You know. This scene just killed the momentum this episode had. Didn't 70s once say that Morrigans have the ability to "know all" or some shit like that. So with that being said, how did Molly the "I have nearly every ability imaginable" of a supernatural creature, not know that her own girlfriend was a witch? Was it because Anna didn't know? Because that's pretty fucking lazy. If you are going to make Morrigans their own race or have made up abilities, at least make them constantly occurring instead of making them convenient to whenever you want them to be.]

 

"Right before I went to save you," Anna said. "Someone teleported me right there from New York City."

 

"Who?"

 

"This random witch I met, Laura. I told her I needed help and she gave it to me."

 

"I'm not ready to know this," Molly said. "It just can't even be true."

 

[Clappy: Once again, you should have known this.]

 

"What?"

 

"It can't."

 

"Do you have something against witches?"

 

"No..."

 

"Then what is it?"

 

"I have something against you dying... and with power like that, I'm sure you'll be getting in the middle of all this faster than I can say 'graveyard.'"

 

[Clappy: 

]

 

[Jjs: *wakes up* Can we get back to the lulzy stuff now?]

[Hayden: I can say graveyard 10 times faster than that!]

 

---

 

[Jjs: WAIT NO, IT CAN'T BE OVER!]

[Hayden: FOR SUCH A GROUNDBREAKING EPISODE, HE SURE MADE IT AS SHORT AS A MIDGET.]

 

Wasn't that the best thing you've ever read?

 

[Hayden: If I say yes, will you be offended or proud?]

 

And the storyline developments in that episode are real ones, the behavior of the characters: no. 

 

[Jjs: Bravo 70s. The worst episode ever ended up being the best episode ever. Too bad we'll be back to the serious stuff next episode, oh well, it was fun while it lasted.]

[Hayden: That's too bad, if you made the characters act like this all the time and tried to parody the garbage shows you watch a lot better, you could have an amusing piece of writing on your hands. Play to your strengths buddy. Oh well, I have a special little guest in store for next time....]

[Trophy: WHY DID IT HAVE TO END SO SOON!??! Well, at least I'm not in the hell that's next episode.]

[Clappy: This episode didn’t deserve to be riffed. It was so bad it’s good. The amount of purpose this served was zero to none and I honestly don’t care. Highlight of Season 2.]

[Wumbo: Good parody 70s. Probably my favorite episode. Except for that part where things actually happened.]

 

Edited by jjsthekid
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Sorry guys for the long delay. This was a long and hard one to riff. 

41. Sing It Out:

(NOTE: This episode is so obnoxiously long I'm putting all of the copy and pasted song parts in spoilers themselves. You can skip over them if you wish, but I'm doing this because this is a long trip to hell...)

Spoiler

[Jjs: OHHH BOOOY! THIS is a BAD episode, trust me. This riff is one of the biggest pain in the asses I've ever had to put together. Alright everyone, this is indeed a legit musical! So I’m going to try to sing in riff, and the other riffers can join along if they’d like. Will this be painful? Probably. Is this long as hell? You bet! Well, to help me with my torture, here is who will join us tonight...

JJSTHEKID

CLAPMASTER

JCM

HAYDEN

CNF1

AND SOME OTHER CELEBRITY CAMEOS WHO PROBABLY SHOULDN’T BE HERE

Also, you guys will need cyanide pills in case this gets unbearable *gives to crew*. Keep them close.]

[Clappy: *sees how long this episode is*

*cries*

You know, I give up. Let me get the obvious jokes out of the way because this is going to be a long one.

-Talk about copyright infringement

-Posting lyrics from AZ-lyrics is not compelling dialogue

-So much for character building

-At least Glee spontaneously breaks into song for a reason.]

[Hayden: This is the first episode I've ever really procrastinated on riffing, so that should probably tell you something. *holds cyanide pill close* Also, just in case I sleep with the fishes, I've invited a very special guest to help me get out of this, I mean help me riff this to the best of my ability. EVERYBODY GIVE IT UP FOR...ELLA!]

[Ella: Greetings friends, I'm so excited to be here. After all, everything's sweeter with a song!]

[Hayden: Oh my...aren't you in for quite the surprise.]

[CNF: Dear god almost 50 pages in Word. Welp, it's now or never.]

S2E21 (41) - Sing It Out: Previously on Bikini Top... Okay, there was a dare and some sloppy writing. 

[Jjs: You’re close 70s, but you should be referring to your other episodes, not that genius last one.]

[CNF: Sloppy? I like to consider it comedic work of art.]

Let's get over that. Jake wanted to see Morgan, but Heather let him know that Morgan did not want to see him. Jake later went to The Smoothie Shack and got tired of SpongeBob and Patrick's idiocy, and quit, ready to find a real job. Brenda and Hersht continued to have problems even though Brenda now knows of Hersht's love for her, because Hersht isn't capable of hearing her problems, since they make him feel worse about his feelings for her. Morgan is starting to notice Heather puking, but of course doesn't realize what it really means. Glinda conveniently makes Seth and Naomi forget everything about the vampire stuff, and also made all the charges on Naomi drop, also conveniently. And finally, Anna and Molly were fighting about Anna trying to save Molly from the ritual and nearly getting herself killed in the process. Anna dropped the bomb on Molly that she was a witch, and Molly wasn't ready to hear that. But now... well, you'll see.

[JCM: Do I have to?]

[Hayden: That's not very convenient for us.]

[Ella: Awww, where might our theme song be?]

[CNF: *rips eyes out* Welp too bad, guess I can't see anymore.]

Jackie was at the hair salon getting her hair cut, and she was thinking about her mother, and about how she wanted her to stay in high school. But then Jackie realized... that shouldn't be her mother's choice. She should be allowed to make her own decisions. She was an adult, or at least would be soon. And she was a mother.

[Jjs: But Charlea is dead.]

[Clappy: Sssshhhhhh. 70s still believes Charlea is alive. Jackie needs to feel good about something.]

[CNF: Being a high school dropout is the worst decision you could make pal, then again every choice anyone in this town makes is bad.]

[Hayden: Jackie should be allowed to make all the poor choices she wants, she's made so many already, right?]

Suddenly, she just burst into song. "Hair" by Lady Gaga (

).

[JCM: Oh, I get it! Because it's a hair salon! Say what you want about 70s, but don't say he isn't clever. Actually, do say he isn't clever. Because it's true.]

[Jjs: Well, that escalated without any build-up. Oh dear...he’s pasting song lyrics isn’t he-]

[Clappy: To be exact? I have a bad feeling about this.]

[Hayden: Well, that's my cue to leave. *shoves Ella out in front*]

[Ella: OH YAY, THE FIRST MELODY, THIS SHOULD BE SPLENDID!]

Spoiler

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, woah

Whenever I'm dressed cool,

My parents put up a fight."

[Jjs: *sigh* I guess it’s better than Past 70s making up songs. Now THAT would’ve been torture.]

[CNF: Welp I'm just gonna skim over the wall of song lyrics.]

[Ella: Ooh, ooh, ooh, oh. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, woah. Whenever I put on my pretty pink dress, and screech really loud my parents think I'm in distress!]

The women in the salon with her join in: "Uh huh, uh huh"

[Jjs: Don’t join along....well, if she is going to sing, I guess we should too. Alright men...it’s time for us to sing.]

[JCM: Pass.]

[Ella: You can never frown during a sing along!]

"And if I'm hot shot,

Mom will cut my hair at night."

"Uh huh, uh huh"

[Jjs: This really sucks.

Why is everything just copy and pasted?

Jesus Christ Almighty I’m going to need so much help.

But I can pull through.] 

[CNF: Someone grab me a shotgun.]

[Ella: Mother will always braid my hair, doesn't matter when, or even where!]

"And in the morning,

I'm short of my identity."

"Uh huh, uh huh"

[Jjs: Nuh uh uh uh hun.

Let’s stop this nonsense.

Jackie, your child is dead!

The mourners are waiting

For the funeral girl

Now stop this shameless plug

And get to digging yo baby]

[Ella: In the morning the birds wake me, with their precious sounds of serendipity!]

"I scream Mom and Dad,

Why can't I be who I want to be?

To be!

[JCM: Or not to be.]

[CNF: That is the question.]

[Ella: That is the question, plain as day, my love for melodies will never sway!]

I just wanna be myself,

And I want you to love me for who I am.

I just wanna be myself,

And I want you to know, I am my hair.

I've had enough, this is my prayer,

That I'll die living just as free as my hair.

I've had enough, this is my prayer,

That I'll die living just as free as my hair.

I've had enough, I'm not a freak,

I just keep fightin' to stay cool on these streets

I've had enough, enough, enough,

[Jjs: Yo yo I’ve had enough too.

This shit ain’t true.

I...can’t think of a line.

This be a pain in the ass.

But I have an audience.

I can’t let them down

So do your worst.

And get on with this tedious musical.]

[Ella: It's always important to be true to yourself, that's why I'm a Disney Princess and not an elf!]

And this is my prayer, I swear,

I'm as free as my hair.

I'm as free as my hair.

I am my hair.

I am my hair.

[CNF: I didn't think that was possible.]

As free as my hair, hair, hair,

Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair,

Hair, hair, hair,

Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair.

As free as my hair, hair, hair,

Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair

Hair, hair, hair,

Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair.

Sometimes I want some raccoon

Or red highlights."

[Jjs: You want some hair?

Squidward used to have a full set of hair girl.

I wish I could be free as a hair.]

[JCM: Hate, hate, hate,

Hate, hate, ha-ha-ha-hate.

Dang it, you're sucking me in!]

[CNF: What the hell do you want raccoon? I sure wouldn't want an animal in my hair!]

[Ella: A raccoon's hair is full of flair, just remember when petting to show the proper care!]

"Uh huh, uh huh"

"Just because I want my friends,

To think I'm dynamite."

"Uh huh, uh huh"

"And on Friday rock city,

High school dance.

I've got my bangs to hide,

That I don't stand a chance.

A chance!

I just wanna be myself,

And I want you to love me for who I am.

I just wanna be myself,

And I want you to know, I am my hair.

I've had enough, this is my prayer,

That I'll die living just as free as my hair.

I've had enough, this is my prayer,

That I'll die living just as free as my hair.

I've had enough, I'm not a freak,

[Jjs: And I want this to end.

But I must pull through.

Yes, you are a freak.

As is everyone else in this spin-off.]

[Ella: Oh the joy of a high school dance, find your true love if you have the chance!]

I'm just here trying to play cool on the streets

I've had enough, enough, enough,

And this is my prayer, I swear,

I'm as free as my hair.

I'm as free as my hair.

I am my hair.

I am my hair.

As free as my hair, hair, hair,

Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair,

Hair, hair, hair,

Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair.

As free as my hair, hair, hair,

Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair

Hair, hair, hair,

Hair, hair, ha-ha-ha-hair.

Ha-ha-ha-hair.

I just want to be free, I just want to be me

And I want lots of friends that invite me to their parties.

I don't want to change, and I don't want to be ashamed.

[JCM: Too late for that.]

[Ella: It may be dirty out on the street, but think of all the shameless people you might meet!]

I'm the spirit of my Hair, it's all the glory that I bare.

I'm my hair, I am my hair

I'm my hair, I am my hair

[Jjs: Okay, I’m stopping my song riff real quick. Copy and pasted song lyrics is considered a musical? Not only that, but it feels like this song is going on for an eternity.]

[CNF: If I don't get that shotgun in the next 5 seconds I'm going to set this spin-off on fire.]

[Ella: *dumps water over self* My hair and I are now just one, both drenched in water, but having fun!]

I am my hair, I am my hair

I am my hair, I am my hair

It's all the glory that I bare!

I am my hair, I am my hair

It's all the glory that I bare

I am my hair, I am my hair

I'm my hair, yeah, yeah

All the glory that I bare

I'm my hair, yeah, yeah

All the glory that I bare!

I'm my hair, yeah, yeah

All the glory that I bare!

I'm my hair, yeah, yeah, yeah

I've had enough, this is my prayer,

That I'll die living just as free as my hair.

I've had enough, this is my prayer,

That I'll die living just as free as my hair.

I've had enough, I'm not a freak,

I'm just here trying to play cool on the streets

I've had enough, enough, enough,

And this is my prayer, I swear,

I'm as free as my hair.

I'm as free as my hair.

I am my hair.

I am my hair.

Ooh, my hair, my hair."

[Jjs: So yeah, your child is dead.

You sing a song instead.

Well bitch, I hope Bryan dumps you next.

If only 70s had skipped this Jackie scene...]

[JCM: If only 70s had skipped every Jackie scene.]

[CNF: PRAISE THE LORD ALMIGHTY IT IS OVER...but now back to the regularly scheduled Bikini Top torture fest.]

[Ella: Fellows I implore you not to be mean, anyone who shares their voice deserves to take the screen!]

The customers waiting in line clapped their hands.

[CNF: That bitch does not deserve applause, not even from Gaga herself, if you catch my drift.]

Jackie's haircutter said, "Okay... that was weird. Now um... let's go wash your hair."

[Clappy: ….no seriously….what the literal fuck was that? What was her purpose for breaking into song like that? I mean Jesus. Do you expect us to actually read every single lyric and expect us to relate to the song? Jackie’s reasoning for dropping out of school is selfish to begin with. It has nothing to do with her child. It has nothing to do with her mother. It’s because her friends are leaving and she wants to leave too. That doesn’t make her “as free as her hair”. It makes her a:

STUPID GIRL!]

[Ella: *claps along with the customers* Songs don't require logic, they come from our soul.]

[Hayden: Yeah, that's not really how it works....perhaps I called in the wrong person for this job.]

(Theme plays)

[Jjs: 

]

[Clappy: Why do I have a bad feeling this episode will have one too many YouTube links when it’s all said and done.]

[CNF: Ah, the only time where a song actually works in this show.]

[Ella: THERE IT IS! Wait, why aren't I hearing anything?]

[Hayden: 

AHAHAHAHAHA BEAT YOU TO IT CNF.]

Seth was sitting in the house and Heather knocked on the door. He didn't answer it, and eventually she left. He didn't want to talk to her, he wasn't ready. She obviously wanted to talk to him though.

[CNF: Oh really? I thought Heather just wanted to bang him again. Thanks for the clarification pal.]

He started to sing "Never Going Back Again" by Fleetwood Mac (

).

[Jjs: OH COME ON, I JUST GOT OVER THE LAST ONE!]

[CNF: Skimming powers COMMENCE!]

[Hayden: Is anything going to advance in this episode or will it just be a collection of songs? Good musicals manage to progress the story instead of padding it out longer. Ella, take a break, I've got this one.]

Spoiler

"She broke down and let me in

Made me see where I've been

[Jjs: Yo Seth.

Stop dating this bitch.

She be a pedophile and a witch.

Just stop doing this man.]

[JCM: Knowing this show, she probably is a witch

With Anna, Glinda, and Lauren, I don't know which witch is which.]

[Hayden: "She had a nervous breakdown and let me jizz, made me realize how sick this all is."]

Been down one time

Been down two times

I'm never going back again

You don't know what it means to win

Come down and see me again

Been down one time

Been down two times

I'm never going back again."

"That was weird..." he said.

[Jjs: Wait....that’s it? Oh thank god.]

[Hayden: I'm not going back again, no matter how short that was.]

[JCM: I hope that's it for the rest of this episode.]

[Clappy: What’s actually funny about this scene was that Fleetwood Mac never released this as a radio single. The only way this song became famous was through Glee….hmm I wonder.]

[CNF: I like how the characters are self aware how their creator is basically making them burst into song for no reason whatsoever.[

~~~

Heather was so sick of trying to get Seth's attention. She didn't feel like standing in the rain,

[CNF: I know what she can do! She can singgggggggggg in the rain!

]

so she got back in her boatmobile... but she didn't want to drive home.

[CNF: Yah lazy bum.]

She wanted to run home. She felt this... surge go through her. This need to express her emotions. And she started to sing like she had never sung before. She started running home and singing "Louder" by Charice ().

[Clappy: …who? No seriously, who? What is this song? I might actually have to listen to this song….or read the “dialogue” to see what this song is about.

[Jjs: That’s it boys, we’re going to need forced celebrity cameos to tackle these. Say hello to Cameo #1...PHARREL WILLIAMS!]

[Pharrel Williams: Yo dawgs. I’m going to sing my hit single Happy, which was totally not copy and pasted from a lyrics website. What? If this guy can, so can I!]

[JCM: That's what I get for hoping.]

[CNF: Praise the lord for Pharrel Williams.]

[Hayden: It's raining underwater? She's just going to leave her boatmobile parked at Seth's?]

Spoiler

"I'm staring out of my window

And the rain is pouring down

When you left, I was so low

But I'm not gonna drown

[Pharrel: It might seem crazy what I'm about to say

Sunshine she's here, you can take a break

I'm a hot air balloon that could go to space

With the air, like I don't care baby by the way]

[Hayden: Well, if she was still in her vehicle maybe she could look out a window but she effed that part up.]

I don't need no shoulder

I'm gonna be a soldier

I just wanna feel somethin' I don't understand

I'm just gonna run right through the rain

I'm just gonna dance right through the pain

I just wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum

Let my heart beat louder

Let my heart speak louder than my head (head, head, head)

Heart beat louder than my head (head, head, head)

Heart speak louder

Wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum

Let my heart beat louder

Let my heart speak louder than my head

[Pharrel: Because I'm happy

Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

Because I'm happy

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth

Because I'm happy

Clap along if you know what happiness is to you

Because I'm happy

Clap along if you feel like that's what you wanna do]

[JCM: Bikini Top's crappy

Clap along if you feel this shouldn't have gotten a season two

Bikini Top's crappy

Clap along if you feel this is a stinky, rotten pile of poo]

I, I am over over thinking of how to get you back

I'm checking out for the weekend

And I ain't going back

[Pharrel: Here come bad news talking this and that, yeah,

Well, give me all you got, and don't hold it back, yeah,

Well, I should probably warn you I'll be just fine, yeah,

No offense to you, don't waste your time

Here's why]

I don't need no shoulder

I'm gonna be a soldier

I just wanna feel somethin' I don't understand

I'm just gonna run right through the rain

I'm just gonna dance right through the pain

I just wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum

Let my heart beat louder

Let my heart speak louder than my head (head, head, head)

Heart beat louder than my head (head, head, head)

Heart speak louder

Wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum

Let my heart beat louder

Let my heart speak louder than my head

[Pharrel: Bring me down

Can't nothing

Bring me down

My level's too high

Bring me down

Can't nothing

Bring me down

I said (let me tell you now)

Bring me down

Can't nothing

Bring me down

My level's too high

Bring me down

Can't nothing

Bring me down

I said]

Oh, letting go

Yet it feel so good, so right

Oh, all I know

Is that I let my heart beat

Heart speak louder than my louder than my

Heart beat heart speak louder than my louder than my

Heart beat heart speak louder than my louder than my louder, louder, louder, louder

[JCM: Louder than your louder? Okay, then.]

[Hayden: Can't get much louder than that. Oh wait here's our next guest to prove otherwise, EXPLOUD! 

 295.png

Oh man, does he look pissed.]

I'm just gonna run right through the rain

I'm just gonna dance right through the pain

I just wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum

Let my heart beat louder

Let my heart speak louder than my head (head, head, head)

[CNF: *bangs head repeatedly*]

Heart beat louder than my head (head, head, head)

Heart speak louder

Wanna feel that rhythm, feel that drum

Let my heart beat louder

Let my heart speak louder than my head!"

[Clappy: Okay, so this is a song about not getting over someone. And dancing and let your heart speak loud? Isn’t she suppose to be in her 40s? What kind of 40 year old still sings bubblegum crap like this? Madonna she is not.]

[Pharrel: Ring me down... can't nothing...

Bring me down... my level's too high...

Bring me down... can't nothing...

Bring me down, I said (let me tell you now)]

[Hayden: *Exploud used Hyper Beam on Heather, affectively ending her song*]

She got home and scratched her head about why she was singing.

[Jjs: Oh gee. Will this result into some supernatural occurrence?!?]

[Hayden: Because everyone in Bikini Top has some profound talent of singing.]

[Ella: Really?! That sounds like a lovely place to live!]

[Hayden: Trust me it isn't, it's actually where every demonic force in existence seems to flock to. Sugar's probably down here now that I think about it.]

"You know what?" she said. "I don't care, that was fun..." then she went and threw up in the toilet.

[JCM: Make some room in that toilet for me.]

[Jjs: Barf Imagery: High art.]

[Clappy: Yeah, vomit accurately describes this episode so far.]

[CNF: "That was fun!...oh shit." *barfs*]

[Hayden: All pregnant people seem to do is puke. Also, good luck without your only mode of transportation.]

~~~

Bryan and Glinda were training in Glinda's apartment as they so often did.

"Don't you ever feel... bored?" Bryan asked.

[Jjs: Like I said before: You know things aren’t going well when even the characters are getting bored.]

[CNF: Yeah I do, and it's mostly when I'm reading this spin-off.]

[Hayden: Why yes Bryan, I'm bored right now.]

"What do you mean?" Glinda replied.

"I mean... we do this training thing a lot, and we hardly ever get to use it," he said to her. "It gets kind of stale."

[Clappy: Training is not the only thing getting stale….nudge nudge….wink wink….blow me spin-off.]

"You got to use it pretty well when you killed David and Mitchell," said Glinda. "You saving my life could not have been done without this training."

[JCM: You taught him how to conjure up knives out of nowhere? Sign me up for that training program!]

[Hayden: Can he conjure one up and stab me with it?]

"I guess that's true," said Bryan.

Outside they heard music.

[CNF: Twist and shout.]

"What is that?" Bryan pondered.

"Let's go and see."

[Clappy: No please don’t. It’s much worse than a chaos demon or a hellmouth….]

A teenaged girl was running around singing "Last Friday Night" by Katy Perry ().

[Hayden: No. Nope. Nada. Fuck Katy Perry. Plus, a non-main character is singing, so why bother, right?]

[Clappy: …it’s a confused teenager breaking into song for no reason.]

[Jjs: Okay, I’m going to parody riff this one, JRT style. Even though this will probably waste your time, this episode is wasting time as it is, so meh.]

Spoiler

"There's a stranger in my bed,

There's a pounding my head

Glitter all over the room

Pink flamingos in the pool

I smell like a minibar

DJ's passed out in the yard

Barbie's on the barbeque

[Jjs: There’s a bad spin-off in my head.

There’s a pounding in my brain

Tears all over the room

Patrick’s in the pool

I smell like a theaterbar

JCM’s passed out in the yard

Sauce’s on the barbeque]

[JCM: I wish I was lucky enough to be passed out right now.]

[CNF: Drunk party woop woop!]

There's a hickie or a bruise

Pictures of last night

Eended up online

I'm screwed

Oh well

It's a blacked out blur

But I'm pretty sure it ruled

[Jjs: There’s a Mickey or a cruise

Pictures of last night’s riffing

Ended up online

We’re screwed

Oh well

It’s a thankfully blacked out blur

But I’m pretty sure it was painful]

Last Friday night

Yeah we danced on tabletops

And we took too many shots

Think we kissed but I forgot

[Jjs: Last Riffing night

Yeah we danced on chairs

And we took too many insanity shots

Think we may have have said something funny but I forgot]

[JCM: Can't forget this atrocity.]

[Hayden: This animated atrocity.]

Last Friday night

Yeah we maxed our credit cards

And got kicked out of the bar

So we hit the boulevard

[Jjs: Last Riffing night

Yeah we maxed our theater cards

And we got banned from the bar

So we hit the SBC boulevard]

Last Friday night

We went streaking in the park

Skinny dipping in the dark

Then had a menage a trois

Last Friday night

Yeah I think we broke the law

Always say we're gonna stop-op

Whoa-oh-oah

[JCM: Please, oh please just stop-op

Whoa-oh-oah]

[Jjs: Last Riffing night

We went freaking out

Skinny dipping...no, I am not parodying that, sickos

Then we had a....what?

Last Riffing night

Yeah I think we lost our minds

Please make this stop-op

Whoa(whoa)-h-oah]

This Friday night

Do it all again

This Friday night

Do it all again

[Jjs: This Riffing night

Please don’t do it all again

This Riffing night

Please don’t do it all again]

Trying to connect the dots

Don't know what to tell my boss

Think the city towed my car

Chandelier is on the floor

Ripped my favorite party dress

Warrants out for my arrest

Think I need a ginger ale

That was such an epic fail

[Jjs: Trying to mark the spots

Don’t know what to tell my boss

Think the city towed our cars

Popcorn is on the floor

Ripped my favorite party suit

Warrants out for our arrest

I think I need some Glacuea Vitamin Water

This is such an epic fail, my god]

[CNF: Time to put on the birthday suit.]

Pictures of last night

Ended up online

I'm screwed

Oh well

It's a blacked out blur

But I'm pretty sure it ruled

[Jjs: Pictures of last night’s riffing

Ended up online

We’re screwed

Oh well

It’s a thankfully blacked out blur

But I’m pretty sure it was painful]

Damn

[Jjs: Shit]

[JCM: Hate]

[CNF: Fuck]

[Hayden: Beavers]

Last Friday night

Yeah we danced on table tops

And we took too many shots

Think we kissed but I forgot

[Jjs: Last Riffing night

Yeah we danced on chairs

And we took too many insanity shots

Think we said something funny but I forgot]

Last Friday night

Yeah we maxed our credits card

And got kicked out of the bars

So we hit the boulevards

[Jjs: Last Riffing night

Yeah we maxed our theater cards

And we got banned from the bar

So we hit the SBC boulevard]

Last Friday night

We went streaking in the park

Skinny dipping int he dark

Then had a menage a trois

Yeah I think we broke the law

Always say we're gonna stop-op

Oh whoa oh

[Jjs: Last Riffing night

We went freaking out

Skinny dipping...no, I am not parodying that, sickos

Then we had a....what?

Last Riffing night

Yeah I think we lost our minds

Please make this stop-op

Whoa(whoa)-h-oah]

This Friday night

Do it all again

Do it all again

This Friday night

Do it all again

Do it all again

This Friday night

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

Last Friday night

Yeah we danced on table tops

And we took too many shots

Think we kissed but I forgot

[Jjs: Last Riffing night

Yeah we danced on chairs

And we took too many insanity shots

Think we may have said something funny but I forgot]

Last Friday night

Yeah we maxed our credit cards

And got kicked out of the bar

So we hit the boulevard

[Jjs: Last Riffing night

Yeah we maxed our theater cards

And we got banned from the bar

So we hit the SBC boulevard]

Last Friday night

We went streaking in the park

Skinny dipping in the dark

Then had a menage a trois

Last Friday night

Yeah I think we broke the law

Always say we're gonna stop

Oh-whoa-oh

This Friday night

Do it all again."

[Jjs: This Riffing night

Please...DON’T DO IT AGAIN.]

[JCM: Well, that happened.]

[Hayden: Can we please do the length of Seth's song again instead?]

The girl then said, "Shit. I have to get on Fishbook and delete those pictures before my parents see!"

[CNF: Someone has been naughty.]

[Hayden: Nope, too late. Maybe if you hadn't taken what felt like an eternity to sing that trash you'd have made it in time.]

"What was that?" Glinda asked, confused. "Why was she singing?"

[Clappy: Better yet. WHAT DID ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. CHRIST ALMIGHTY, AT LEAST MAKE THE SONG RELEVANT TO WHAT’S GOING ON IN THIS SCENE. Seriously, did 70s get bored with Bryan’s subplot so he had to post an entirely out of left field Katy Perry song to cover up that he has nothing else better for these two to do?]

"I have no clue..." said Bryan. "But... there was background music. And there are no speakers anywhere near us. Supernatural?"

"Definitely."

"Time to hit the books."

[Jjs: Gee, I wonder what it could be. Maybe there’s an evil song creature. Whoever they are, they are one damn diabolical villain to make us suffer through it. My hats off to whoever or whatever it is.]

[Clappy: There is an evil song creature. This damn diabolical villain is right in front of us.

ips6ec.jpg 

CURSE YOU GLEE!]

[CNF: It's not time for school yet, don't read a book!]

[Hayden: Maybe it's a siren since we're underwater or some shit.]

~~~

Jackie was sitting in her room, thinking about her feelings.

[JCM: Skipping.]

[CNF: Dear god please write her out already.]

[Hayden: I thought we were done with you, you had your song spotlight.]

She had a dream the night before... yet another dream about Bryan. Except this dream wasn't sexual, it was romantic. They were in love, and they got married, and had kids, and it was beautiful. And she wanted that to happen in reality. She didn't want to hide her feelings for him any longer than she already had. She wanted to reveal them to Bryan so they could be together.

[Jjs: Well at least 70s didn’t show us in detail.]

[Clappy: And god forbid if he did jjs.]

[Jjs: Regardless, Pointless Scene #1! Though I’d rather have Pointless Scenes over songs anyways.]

[CNF: Welcome to 70s' Graphic Sexual Intercourse To Concept Life!]

[Hayden: How merciful, she realized what she wants for her entire future through a dream and didn't sing. Hallelujah.]

~~~

Anna knocked on Molly's door. They hadn't spoken since they fought the other day over her involvement in the ritual. Anna left immediately after, and hadn't returned since then.

[JCM: Abandoning Molly must be second nature to Anna at this point.]

Molly opened the door. "Yes?"

"We need to talk about this."

[Clappy: Don’t you mean….SING!?!?!]

"I guess we do, don't we?" said Molly. "Come in."

Anna walked in the house, and kissed Molly passionately. At first, Molly gave in and kissed her back. Then, she recoiled. "No... we need to talk," she said.

[Jjs: Great, even the lesbian make out scenes aren’t enough to save this episode.]

[Hayden: But kissing is the language of love.]

"Fine," said Anna. "I came here to tell you that... I'm okay with dying."

"What?" said Molly, shocked.

[Hayden: I'm fine with that too, as in, I'm giving my approval.]

[Jjs: Wow, Anna is so tired of the spin-off that she wants to be dead now. I can't blame her. Even when the characters are self-aware this episode is the worst thing to ever happen to them, you know this is going to be shit.]

"What I mean is... a world without you is one I just have no interest in living in," Anna told her. "So if I die for you... it's worth it."

[Clappy: ….these teenagers scare the living shit out of me.

You know if 70s can pointlessly break into song, so can I. This song is posted though because this is an example of how pointlessly overdramatic teenagers are in this spin-off. I’m ok with dying for my lesbian girlfriend who repeatedly gets her in danger for no absolute reason. Wow Anna, kill a man and your whole perspective of life changes.]

"But... I can say the same for you," said Molly.

[JCM: This discussion may be boring, but at least they aren't singing.]

Molly started to sing "Landslide by Fleetwood Mac (

).

[JCM: Jinxed it.]

[CNF: Dammit JCM.]

[Jjs: Fuck it, I’m not riffing this one. Sorry guys, riffing 3 songs in a row was enough for me. I’ll leave them open if anyone else wants to tackle them.]

[Hayden: Pass. Oh look, another Fleetwood Mac song.]

Spoiler

"I took my love and I took it down

Climbed a mountain and turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Till the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky - What is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I don't know, I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

Because I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder, even children get older

And I'm getting older, too

So, take my love, take it down

Climb a mountain and turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills

Well, the landslide will bring it down

Ohh, the landslide will bring it down."

[JCM: Thank goodness that's over.]

[Clappy: Wow, you couldn’t have picked a more generic song to not even come close to relating how important Anna is to her. I’m sorry, but how many times has she threatened to break up with you over how overprotective you are? How? How have you been afraid of changing? You aren’t getting older too. You’ve been the same age you’ve always been. This completely misses the point of a song like Landslide. How can this sequence get any worse?]

Anna started to cry, and sing "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry (

).

[JCM: The world hates me.]

[Clappy: BLOW ME BIKINI TOP!]

[Hayden: That's gross Clappy. But haha, I get it, because Anna might die young if she stays with Molly, so fucking clever.]

[CNF: Note to self: blow JCM up after this.]

[Jjs: Alright, I gotta ask: What's the point of linking to the song videos when we're going to see the lyrics anyways? Did 70s assume that nobody would click them, so he's forcing us to read the songs now? God dammit.]

Spoiler

"If I die young, bury me in satin

[CNF: Can I bury you on Satan instead?]

Lay me down on a, bed of roses

Sink me in the river, at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother

She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and

Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no

Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well

I've had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a, bed of roses

Sink me in the river, at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well

I've had, just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom

I'm as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I've

Never known the lovin' of a girl

But it sure felt nice when she was part of my world, there's a

Girl here in town says she'll, love my forever

Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well

I've had, just enough time

So put on your best, girl and I'll wear my pearls

What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar

They're worth so much more after I'm a goner

And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'

Funny when your dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin

Lay me down on a, bed of roses

Sink me in the river, at dawn

Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)

The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)

Go with peace and love

Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket

Save them for a time when your really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well

I've had, just enough time."

[JCM: Any time with this spin-off is enough time.]

[Hayden: Time is fleeting, and I'm spending it scrolling through this emotionless hunk of crap.]

Molly hugged Anna.

"You're not going to die young..." Molly cried. "You're not."

[Clappy: ….you know what? This song actually fits perfectly. As I’ve said in regards to this song previously on my worst song ever countdown, this song is pretty much written in vain anyway. It’s her being a whiny little brat fantasizing about her death and becoming the center of attention.  And guess what? None of these characters have any sort of morals to show that they wouldn’t fantasize about dying.]

[Hayden: So it unintentionally wound up fitting despite the huge doubt there is surrounding this being what 70s intended.]

"But it's up to me," Anna said, also crying. "I don't need protecting... I'm not a damsel in distress, Molly. I'm your girlfriend, we're equals."

[Hayden: Morrigans and Witches aren't created equal, or written equal in the amount of powers department.]

The two of them kissed.

"But you do need protected," said Molly.

[Grammar Police: Do you mean: protection]

[Hayden: She brought a condom just in case you turn into a male fish, what else does she need?]

"You just can't see it can you?" Anna asked her. "Wow."

"What?" Molly asked.

[JCM: She just said what! And I thought Jake was stupid.]

"It's... whatever," said Anna. "See you later." She sniffled, and left.

[Anna: *whines* You’ll regret being overprotective of me when I’m dead.]

[Clappy: Bikini Top. Where all the characters (male or female) are PMSing 24/7.]

[Hayden: Maybe that's why BT sucks so hard, there's never a moment without PMSing so all the drama feels like the same tired out thing happening over and over again. Oh wait, that's exactly what's happening with Molly and Anna.]

~~~

"It's... oh," Glinda said.

"What?" Bryan asked her.

"You remember Bikini Top is the Hellmouth?"

[Jjs: *chuckles*]

[Clappy: This episode has killed my sense of humor. I can no longer laugh because of it.]

[JCM: You only remind us every two episodes.]

[Hayden: This is hell for me to read through, but I don't feel it in my mouth, I feel it in my migraine.]

"Of course," said Bryan.

"Well... at the Hellmouth, 

[Jjs: *chuckles*]

every two-hundred years, people kind of just... burst into song. They express their feelings, reveal secrets, all that. The songs make them reveal their true feelings... although sometimes they're just kind of random."

[Jjs: Worst. Supernatural. occurrence. EVER!!!!!!]

[Clappy: This is making the New York plot twist Spinny worthy.]

[CNF: Wow, great excuse 70s. 10/10 A+]

[Hayden: Every two hundred years, how damn convenient. I'd take some kind of villain of the day over this nonsense.]

"Sounds... kind of fun."

[Jjs: Not for the people riffing it.]

"Random song time?" Glinda asked.

"No, don't think so..."

[Clappy: I’m with Bryan, I think we’ve had enough songs for one…]

Glinda made a pouty look. "I did almost die a few days ago."

[JCM: And we almost cared.]

Bryan sighed. "...Fine."

[Clappy: …..oh you spineless son of a bitch….]

[CNF: Come on Bryan, BE A MAN! SHOW HER WHO'S BOSS.]

He started to sing "Mad World" by Gary Jules (

).

Spoiler

"All around me are familiar faces

Worn out places, worn out faces

[JCM: All around me are familiar lyrics

Worn out gimmicks, worn out lyrics]

Bright and early for their daily races

Going nowhere, going nowhere

[JCM: Another random supernatural plot

Going nowhere, going nowhere]

Their tears are filling up their glasses

No expression, no expression

Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow

No tomorrow, no tomorrow

[JCM: I don't need to parody that because it describes how I'm feeling perfectly already.]

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

[JCM: I find it kind of funny

But mostly it's just sad

The "Worst Episode Ever"

Was the best this ever had]

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very, very

Mad world

Mad world

[JCM: It's getting unbearable

It's getting hard to take

These stories run in circles

It's a very, very

Bad lit

Bad lit]

Children waiting for the day they feel good

Happy birthday, happy birthday

Made to feel the way that every child should

Sit and listen, sit and listen

Went to school and I was very nervous

No one knew me, no one knew me

Hello teacher, tell me, what's my lesson?

Look right through me, look right through me

[JCM: Riffers waiting for the day they feel good

Happy riffday, happy riffday

Made to feel the way every riffer should

Sit and make fun, sit and make fun

Started riffing, I was very nervous

And I was right, and I was right

70s, just tell me, what is the point?

All this drama, little payoff]

And I find it kind of funny

I find it kind of sad

The dreams in which I'm dying

Are the best I've ever had

I find it hard to tell you

I find it hard to take

When people run in circles

It's a very, very

Mad world

Mad world

Enlarge your world

Mad world."

[JCM: I find it kind of funny

But mostly it's just sad

The "Worst Episode Ever"

Was the best this ever had

It's getting unbearable

It's getting hard to take

These stories run in circles

It's a very, very

Bad lit

Bad lit

Destroy this lit

Bad lit]

Glinda stood there, speechless.

"Why didn't you join in?" Bryan asked.

[Clappy: Because turning Mad World into a duet would be as absurd as copy and pasting lyrics and calling this revolutionary writing.]

"Guess it wasn't right... you have some darkness inside of you."

"Darkness?"

"What's wrong?"

"Well... both my parents are dead, first and foremost. 

[Clappy: Since when did you start giving a shit that your parents are dead, asshole?]

[Hayden: The darkness was in there long before his parents died.]

But also... I'm tired of keeping this secret."

"What secret?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Bryan said. "Being the Chosen, that pesky turning-into-a-tree thing once in a while, that vampires exist, that Anna's girlfriend is a goddess, that Anna is a witch, that Mitchell is a dead vampire... not home, that Brenda is a vampire!"

[Clappy: I would say let me play you a sad song on the world’s smallest violin, but I’m too scared that they would turn that into an unnecessary musical number.]

"Well... I guess that can't be easy to keep from your friends."

[JCM: You don't say!]

"It's not," said Bryan.

"But... I never said you had to keep it from them."

[Hayden: LOLOLOLOLOLOL]

"You think I should tell them?" Bryan asked.

[Clappy: Better than singing it to them.]

"I never said that," Glinda said. "All I said was that you don't necessarily have to keep your abilities and all this other information secret. If you trust your friends, go ahead and tell them."

"Shouldn't I check with Anna first?"

"That may be a good idea," said Glinda.

[Clappy: Great idea. That will slay her….]

[Hayden: Well he is a vampire slayer, oh shit copyright infringement.]

"Well I guess I have to go then," Bryan said, and left. "Don't go on singing without me!"

Glinda giggled to herself.

[Jjs: Gee, is Glinda x Bryan going to be a thing? I wonder.]

[JCM: We had one pedophile relationship. Why not have another?]

[CNF: I'd rather have the Christmas Rapist.]

[Hayden: Stop giggling, this is no laughing matter. My ears are bleeding.]

[Ella: Mine are functioning perfectly. Care if I step in again?]

[Hayden: Knock yourself out.]

~~~

Bryan decided to stop home before going to see Anna, and went to his room to go change clothes. He was in his damp, sweaty training clothes and had to change into something fresh and clean if he was going to ask her to help him expose something like he was going to.

[Clappy: He’s exposing his secret…not his penis…unless his penis technically made him the chosen one this whole time.]

But then there was a knock on the door. With his shirt off, he went to see who it was. He opened it to see Jackie.

Jackie nearly gasped when she saw Bryan's body. Sure they had sex a while ago, and damn was his body hot then, but now... he must have been working out all that time she wasn't seeing him.

[JCM: Why.]

[Clappy: Why do I have a feeling that “Jackie” wasn’t the only one fantasizing about Bryan’s body?]

[CNF: *bangs head on desk* This is gonna be painful.]

"Hi," she said.

"Hey," he said back. "Do you need something."

"I came here to tell you something..." she said.

"What is it?"

She started to sing "Songbird" by the Glee Cast [original by Fleetwood Mac) (

).

[JCM: What's with all the Fleetwood Mac songs? If you're gonna do a musical, it wouldn't hurt to have some more diverse song selection.]

[Clappy: Psh…by the Glee Cast….does it actually make a difference if it’s the Glee version or the Fleetwood Mac one? THEY ARE THE SAME FUCKING LYRICS. This is what annoyed most about anything Glee related. The “I like the Glee version better than the actual version” proclamation. It’s just a cover song for god’s sake with younger people singing in medley.]

[CNF: Welp I'm skimming again.]

[Ella: Oh my, Glee is one of my absolute favorite shows. The writer of this lovely story has marvelous taste!]

[Hayden: Oh jeez. *hands script* Just sing these.]

Spoiler

"For you, there'll be no more crying,

For you, the sun will be shining,

And I feel that when I'm with you,

It's alright, I know it's right

[Ella: For you, there'll be less weeping. 

But at night, I will not be sleeping. 

Because I'll be fantasizing about your luscious fish pecs, and the thought of us engaging in some sweet, sweet Jex!]

To you, I'll give the world

to you, I'll never be cold

'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,

It's alright, I know it's right.

[Ella: To you I'll revoke my club membership of chastity, and show no complex emotional variety! 

Cause when I'm with you, every main character is successfully paired in two!]

And the songbirds are singing,

Like they know the score,

And I love you, I love you, I love you,

Like never before.

[Ella: The songbirds are singing, 

Like they know I'm a whore, 

And I love you, I love you, I love you, even though I never showed the slightest hint before! 

Since Jake is now taken.....I'll show up spontaneously at your door!]

And I wish you all the love in the world,

But most of all, I wish it from myself.

[Ella: And I wish you a much better love interest than me! 

But most of all, maybe one with an actual personality!]

And the songbirds keep singing,

Like they know the score,

And I love you, I love you, I love you,

Like never before, like never before."

[Ella: And the songbirds keep singing, 

Like they know I'm a whore, 

And I love, I love you, I love you, even though I never showed the slightest hint before!

Since Jake Is now taken....I'LL SHOW UP SPONTANEOUSLY AT YOUR DOOR!]

"You... love me?" Bryan asked.

[JCM: Yeah, she only said it six times.]

[Ella: That's where you're wrong, she sang it with all her heart's joy!]

[Hayden: But it still didn't mean diddly because it's only stemming from Jackie's teenage sexual desires and not an actual connection that's been expanded upon, and since every other male in the group is taken and no one else apparently exists at Bikini Top High, he's the default choice. CONGRATS BRYAN!]

"Cool, I sang again," said Jackie. 

[Clappy: …this joke is starting to get really old. How many more times is it going to be a startling fourth wall breaking revelation that someone is singing?]

"And... yes. I honestly, completely do."

She pulled him in by the sweatpants he was wearing and kissed him, long and tenderly.

"But... we just had sex," said Bryan. "I thought that was it. Just a one-time thing because we were both feeling weak."

[Clappy: Plus you’re Jackie. You are just a sperm dumpster for nearly half the male cast anyway.]

[Hayden: See? Bryan understands it you overly hormonal loon.]

"But since then... I've been thinking about you."

"Well..."

"Well what?"

"I can't," he told her.

"What?"

"I can't do anything with you," said Bryan.

"Why?"

[JCM: Because you're a lunatic who falls in love with people you have one-night stands with.]

[Hayden: "Because I'm still grieving the loss of my ex Temperance, haha just kidding, I give as much of a shit about her as I did my parents."]

"It would be wrong," Bryan said. "You're Jake's ex-girlfriend."

"Would it be okay if I asked Jake?"

"No," Bryan replied. "That would be inappropriate."

[Clappy: That didn’t stop you from sleeping with Jackie in the first place now, did it? How was that not “inappropriate”?]

[Hayden: Convenient wrench in their inevitable relationship is pretty damn convenient.]

"That's nice..."

"What it is is true, Jackie," he said. "I'm sorry."

[CNF: That honestly sounded like a line that came from The Room.]

[Jjs: Except I think Tommy Wiseau himself could somehow say that with more emotion. Most nonchalant complaint ever?]

"No you're not," she said and started to cry. She stormed out of the house.

[Jjs: I’m fine with this. I really am.]

[JCM: Anything that makes Jackie miserable is fine with me.]

[Clappy: Putting the spokes in place for Bryan x Glinda.]

[CNF: 

]

[Hayden: Now what will Jackie do? Continue her high school experience and meet someone in her own grade? THIS IS SUCH A GRIPPING DILEMMA!]

~~~

Naomi sat in her house, just feeling numb. There were no charges against her, but she still felt guilty. She knew what she had to do. She had to go and see Miranda in the hospital. So she got in her boatmobile and drove.

[Jjs: WHOA! We’re touching on this plot again? Take it easy spin-off, we've still got tons of songs left to fill the run-time!]

[Clappy: I wonder if this means we’ll get to hear from Trevor again too. Are we allowed to remember that plot as well?]

[Hayden: Still don't understand how she feels guilty when Miranda was the one to pull the gun on her. Or did 70s forget his own cliffhanger and mix up which one brought the goddamn gun? She doesn't seem to know anything about what David actually was or what he was doing, so this is as ridiculous as Hersht turning pro-Bryan.]

~~~

Jake went to Heather's house... he hated having to go to her mother's home to see Morgan.

[Hayden: You mean the place you'd have to go to see her anyways if you were normal high school seniors who liked saving money?]

Heather answered the door. "Hey, Jake."

[Clappy: Hi fuckface!]

[CNF: Hi Heidi.]

"Hi Heather," he said. "Is Morgan home?"

[Hayden: Her name is Heidi, remember?]

[Jjs: At least Jake could remember her name from last episode. This is the strongest character development we've had for the whole series.]

"She really, really doesn't want to see you, Jake."

"I want to see her. Please, I just want to apologize."

Heather smiled delicately. "Go ahead."

[Hayden: This isn't consistent with what we saw in the last chapter at all! I want my money back!]

"Thank you," he said and walked upstairs, knocking on Morgan's door.

"Who is it?" said Morgan.

[Jjs: *insert shitty Doctor Who joke here*]

[Hayden: Time for a plug! Don't miss the series 8 premiere of Doctor Who on BBC America tomorrow at 8 PM EST!]

As far as Jake could tell she was not crying. He was relieved. "It's me."

[JCM: You thought that Morgan would be crying 24/7 just because you mean to her? No wonder she broke up with you.]

[Hayden: Considering how overdramatic every female character is can you really blame him for thinking like that?]

Morgan sighed. "Come in."

He opened the door and said, "You okay?"

"Yes," she said. "No..."

[CNF: What a contradicting son of a bitch.]

"Which is it?"

"I don't know."

[Clappy: Oh wonderful. Boring dialogue. Don’t mind me while I take a nap for the rest of this scene.]

[Morgan: *gets slimed*]

[Jjs: I'd rather have boring dialogue than pasted song lyrics.]

"So... are we done fighting?" Jake asked. "I'm really, really sorry for everything that's gone down. It was stupid of me... touching you."

She cringed at the mention of the incident. "Don't bring it up," she said. "Please."

[Hayden: That's how a strong relationship lasts, by never bringing up or talking about its issues!]

"Sorry," said Jake. "I didn't mean to."

"I know," Morgan said back. "It's okay..."

"Are we getting back together?"

"No."

"Why?"

[JCM: Because yer an idiot!]

[CNF: Now go back to your Idiot Box young Jake.]

"I forgive you Jake, I do," she said. "But now when I'm with you... all I'm going so see is Liam... and I can't deal with that every day of my life."

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: to see]

[Jjs: WHOA! Another Liam callback? Calm down episode, take it easy. Let's not forget this is a musical with no plot....*twitches*]

[Bikini Top Police: Sorry Morgan, but you took too long to give us proof that he raped you, hence all charges were dismissed. Henceforth, these proclamations are false.]

[Hayden: Well Morgan's able to see him now, but we still aren't. Boo. Still waiting on that refund.]

"I screwed up. I'm sorry."

"You did screw up," Morgan said. "And I forgive you, like I said. But we're done."

"I'm sorry..." Jake said.

"I know. Honestly, I am mad at you, okay? You treated me badly. Really badly. And I can't just forgive you for that. You grabbed me and told me to shut the fuck up... and that was wrong. I don't need that. I don't ever need to be treated like that. I'm not staying in a relationship like that, if you're sorry or not."

[Jjs: "And if I wasn't clear enough, I did not like the way you treated me. Got it? I do not like the way you treated me, I don't. It was not nice."]

[Hayden: It was a one time incident brought on by your complete lack of common sense. Sit down and shut the fuck up.]

Morgan started to sing "Rolling in the Deep" by Adele (

).

[JCM: No.]

[Clappy: *wakes up* What is that loud obnoxious text flowing across the screen with background music….oh….another one of these…]

[CNF: Dear god, make the madness end.]

[Jjs: Okay, to riff this copy and pasted waste of time, here's another celebrity cameo: Coldplay, with The Scientist!]

Spoiler

"There's a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark

Finally I can see you crystal clear

Go 'head and sell me out and I'll lay your shit bare

[Coldplay: Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart]

See how I leave with every piece of you

Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart

Reaching a fever pitch

And it's bring me out the dark

[Coldplay: Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a science apart]

The scars of your love remind me of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love they leave me breathless

I can't help feeling

[Coldplay: Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start]

We could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside of your hands

And you played it

To the beat

Baby I have no story to be told

But I've heard one of you

And I'm gonna make your head burn

Think of me in the depths of your despair

Making a home down there

It Reminds you of the home we shared

[Coldplay: I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart]

The scars of your love remind me of us

They keep me thinking that we almost had it all

The scars of your love they leave me breathless

I can't help feeling

[Coldplay: And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh when I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing up tails

Coming back as we are]

We could have had it all

Rolling in the deep

You had my heart inside of your hands

And you played it

To the beat

Throw your soul through every open door

Count your blessings to find what you look for

Turned my sorrow into treasured gold

You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow.

[Coldplay: Nobody said it was easy

Oh, it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start]

Both sang: "We could have had it all

[JCM: Oh hey, a doo-et.]

[Clappy: ….No.  No….No….No….I have to break into the walls of lyrics for this song…IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS ROLLING IN THE DEEP A DUET? IT’S A SONG ABOUT A WOMAN SCORNED. The point. This adaptation misses it.]

We could have had it all

It all, it all it all,

We could have had it all

Rolling in the deep."

Morgan finished: You had my heart and soul

And you played it

To the beat."

[Coldplay: Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

Ah ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh

Oh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh]

~~~

Brenda was going to see Hersht to tell him:

[CNF: Can they just fuck and get it over with.]

Tristan was starting to feel like something was up. She thought back to earlier that same day.

[Clappy: These things still have a purpose? Do we care about their existence? Am I going to remember anything that happens in this sequence? If you guessed no for all three questions, then boy, you sure share the same exact sentiments as I do.]

Tristan looked at his wife. "I hardly see you anymore."

"You're gone pretty often.... Where do you go?"

[JCM: She's obviously cheating on you.]

[Hayden: "Just to the supermarket sweetie. Not so some crazy vampire hideout if that's what you're thinking!"]

"I'm busy."

"With what?"

[JCM: Other man's dick.]

[Hayden: "My new goal and mission in life of sitting on my ass instead of saving the world from Astenias, I mean knitting!"]

"Healing," she told him.

"I thought you were healed." He sighed. "Brenda, are you unhappy?"

[Hayden: I'll be straight with you Tristan, I'm definitely unhappy.]

She didn't answer and left.

[Hayden: Um, rude?]

She started to cry at the very thought of that conversation. She started going to Hersht faster. 

[Hayden: "The solution to cheating on my husband is to run to the source of that cheating as quickly as possible!"]

She eventually arrived to see Dora and Jordin, sitting on logs as they so often did.

[Jjs: They really are lumps on a log.]

[Hayden: So you didn't forget the wit from last chapter? Alright now continue rolling with the steam from last episode already!]

"Hey you two," she said to them. "Where's Hersht?"

"I don't think he wants to see you," said Jordin.

"He doesn't," said Dora. "Go away."

[JCM: Dora the Explora telling someone not to explora? I don't believe it!]

[Hayden: So our vampire saviors have turned into immature schoolchildren themselves now. 70s must have just given up on creating the illusion that they've done anything to add to the story at all.]

"Please let me see him," said Brenda. "I need to talk to him about something. It's really, really important. Please."

"It's always important, though," Dora said.

"Please," Brenda said again.

"I'll lead you to him," said Jordin.

"Jordin!" Dora said.

"It's fine, Dora."

"No it's not! Hersht already said he doesn't want to see her."

"He said it, but you know he didn't mean it," Jordin countered.

[JCM: Because they can read minds.]

[Hayden: Because true love knows no boundaries. Even the sacred bond of marriage can't break it apart.]

Dora sighed. "Fine..."

Brenda and Jordin made their way to the portion of the woods Hersht was in. He was sitting there, alone with his thoughts. He didn't notice when they arrived.

[Clappy: DO SOMETHING WORTHWHILE. GOD I’M SO BORED.]

"Hersht, you have a visitor..." said Jordin.

"Oh," said Hersht. "Welcome, Brenda."

"Hi, Hersht."

There was silence.

[Jjs: Please do that for the rest of the episode.]

"I'll leave you two alone..." said Jordin. She left immediately.

[Hayden: Was.....that pointless padding just an excuse to show Dora and Jordin? Without actually addressing the writing problems you've placed on them? >_>]

"I came to talk," said Brenda.

"What about?"

"Tristan..." she said.

"You know I can't talk with you about that!" Hersht yelled.

[JCM: Oh, Hersht is capable of yelling. You learn something new every day.]

[Hayden: I've seen soap operas less useless than this. I'd take two sock puppets making out as a more viable love story at this rate.]

"Why not?"

"I already told you why!" he said.

He started to sing "Rest in Peace" by the Buffy the Vampire Slayer Cast (

).

[Clappy: Well gee, the subtlety. It burns.]

[CNF: Why why why why why why why why why.]

Spoiler

"I died

So many years ago

You can make me feel

Like it isn't so

And why you come to be with me

I think I finally know

Mmm

You're scared

Ashamed of what you feel

And you can't tell the ones you love

You know they couldn't deal

Whisper in a dead man's ear

It doesn't make it real

That's great

But I don't want to play

Because being with you touches me

More than I can say

And since I'm only dead to you

I'm saying stay away and

Let me rest in peace

Let me rest in peace

Let me get some sleep

Let me take my love and bury it

In a hole, six foot deep

I can lay my body down

But I can't find my sweet release

So let me rest in peace

You know

You got a willing slave

You just love to play the thought

That you might misbehave

Until you do, I'm telling you

Stop visiting my grave

Let me rest in peace

I know I should go

But I follow you like a man possessed

There's a traitor here beneath my breast

[CNF: I feel like a women should be singing this, not a man.]

And it hurts me more than you've ever guessed

If my heart could beat, it would break my chest

But I can see you're unimpressed

So leave me be and

Let me rest in peace

Let me get some sleep

Let me take my love and bury it

In a hole, six foot deep

I can lay my body down

But I can't find my sweet release

Let me rest in peace

Why won't you

Let me rest in peace?"

"Fine," said Brenda. "Rest in peace all you want!"

[Hayden: Just like this spinoff in less than 4 episodes. Amen. Actually I hope it rests in torture and Past 70s has nightmares about this every night since it came from his psyche.]

"No!" Hersht said. "I... didn't mean it that way."

[JCM: What other message did you want a song entitled "Rest in Peace" to convey?]

[Hayden: Whatever meaning it was trying to convey I doubt 70s put too much thought into considering he just ripped something from Buffy to match the stupid fucking vampire theme.]

But she was gone.

"Shit..." he said.

[Clappy: And I’m still bored as shit.]

~~~

Naomi arrived at Miranda's room at the hospital.

"What are you doing here?" Miranda asked.

[CNF: Lesbian sex yo.]

"I came here to apologize," said Naomi. "I'm sorry for what I did to you. And, well... I don't apologize very often so you should definitely consider that."

[Clappy: CUZ IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE!]

[Hayden: That's what Miranda should break into song with to continue 70s streak of subtlety.]

"That's fine," said Miranda. "I'm not angry with you."

"What?" Naomi asked.

[JCM: "How dare you not be angry with me! That makes me so angry!"]

[Clappy: EVERYONE LOVES NAOMI. Her character is beloved so much that it doesn’t matter how many irritating actions she commits. Everything is a-ok. Bite me.]

[CNF: Alright Clappy I'll go grab a vampire for you.]

"I don't know what you did, don't know what I did... I hardly remember that. We were both out of it, so it's fine. I'm going to be fine... good as new." She smiled.

[Hayden: Well that's an easy way for 70s to avoid going back and taking a little peek at what actually happened.]

"That's... really nice of you," said Naomi.

"You wanna stay here?" Miranda asked. "I'm watching Gossip Guppy."

[Jjs: Gee, I wonder what this is parodying? It's obviously Degrassi.]

[Hayden: Guppy instead of Girl! WINK WINK.]

"Ooh, sure!"

[Jjs: Worst. Resolution. Ever. It's still never explained why Miranda visited David (and I also wonder if either will know David is dead, but oh well), Naomi grabs Miranda's gun (which still doesn't make any fucking sense by the way), shoots her, and now Miranda forgives her? Well...I do know a secret on Miranda for a future episode, so a least this scene isn’t as gleeful as it comes off to be, I suppose.]

[JCM: Speaking of gleeful...]

[Clappy: NO JJS! WHY DID YOU SAY THE WORD “GLEE”FUL! THAT MEANS A SONG IS COMING ON.]

~~~

Anna was in her room doing makeup work for German class from the time she was in New York City. She was so sick of it... Eventually she got up and started dancing around her room, singing "Schei?ƒe" by Lady Gaga (

).

[JCM: Yep. Nailed it.]

[CNF: ...help me.]

[Hayden: German homework, what a freaking set-up. I don't know if I should be happy or disappointed this isn't some whiny song about Molly. Instead it's something I can take even less seriously, and that's scary.]

Spoiler

"I don't speak German

But I can if you like (Ow!)

[CNF: Contradiction man.]

[Fred: OW! MY LEG!]

Ich schlieben austa be clair,

Es kumpent madre monstere,

aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,

begun be uske but-bair

Ich schlieben austa be clair,

Es kumpent madre monstere

aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,

Fraulein uske-be clair

[Hayden: All this random gibberish makes my head hurt. All monstere reminds me of is "my little monster" which makes me also need to vomit.]

I'll take you out tonight,

Say whatever you like

Schei?ƒe schei?ƒe be mine, schei?ƒe be mine

Put on a show tonight,

Do whatever you like

Schei?ƒe schei?ƒe be mine, schei?ƒe be mine

[Hayden: You're the last person I'd like anything from.]

When I'm on a mission, I rebuke my condition

If you're a strong female you don't need permission

[Hayden: Is this song promoting male rape?]

I, I wish I got to dance on a single prayer

I, I wish I could be strong without somebody there

I, I wish I got to dance on a single prayer

I, I wish I could be strong without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

I don't speak German but I wish that I could...

Ich schlieben austa be clair,

Es kumpent madre monstere,

aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,

begun be uske but-bair

Ich schlieben austa be clair,

Es kumpent madre monstere

aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,

Fraulein uske-be clair

Love is objectified by what men say is right

Schei?ƒe schei?ƒe be mine, bullshit be mine

Blonde high-heeled feminist, enlisting fame for this

Express your womankind, fight for your right

[Hayden: Shouldn't this song be coming from Morgan or something since Liam abused her? Not the dimwitted lesbian chick with an overprotective girlfriend?]

When I'm on a mission, I rebuke my condition

If you're a strong female you don't need permission

I, I wish I got to could dance on a single prayer

I, I wish I could be strong without somebody there

I, I wish I got to dance on a single prayer

I, I wish I could be strong without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

I don't speak German but I wish I could...

I I I I

I I I don't speak German

I I I I

But I can if you like

I I I I

I I I don't speak German

I I I I

But I can if you like

I, I wish that I could dance on a single prayer

I, I wish I could be strong without permission, yeah

I, I wish that I could dance on a single prayer

I, I wish I could be strong without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Oh oh oh oh oh

Without the schei?ƒe, yeah

Ich schlieben austa be clair,

Es kumpent madre monstere,

aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,

begun be uske but-bair.

Ich schlieben austa be clair,

Es kumpent madre monstere

aus-be aus-can-be flaugen,

Fraulein uske-be clair!"

[JCM: Anna confirmed for a Nazi.]

[CNF: This is the reincarnation of Hitler.]

[Hayden: Hitler should have made a cameo to make this scene worthwhile. They live in a Hell Mouth after all!]

 

She laughed... then thought about Molly. She had to go see her and talk to her again. They had to work this out once and for all.

[Clappy: Just…what the actual fuck. Not only was this a pointless scene, but a pointless song….oh what’s the use.]

[Jjs: Pointless Scene #2. Good thing I fast-forwarded through it.]

~~~

Bryan arrived at Anna's house and then she opened the door, before he even knocked.

Anna screamed and jumped back.

"Um, hey..." Bryan said.

"Oh gosh Bryan, you scared me," she said.

[Hayden: Just don't stab him in the heart with a stake or anything.]

"Sorry," Bryan laughed.

"So... we have to talk, don't we?"

[JCM: Better to talk than to sing.]

[Hayden: But now's the perfect time for a duet JCM!]

"I think we do," Bryan said.

[Jjs: I'm wondering if Bryan and Anna were actually questioning their current roles in the episode.]

"Come on in."

They went inside and exchanged all the information about each other.

[Jjs: They probably just asked each other what their favorite color was and had Jex.]

"So... what I really wanted to ask is..." Bryan said.

"Go on," said Anna.

"Can we tell everyone about this?"

"Well, not everyone," Bryan clarified. "Only our friends. Jake, Seth, Morgan, Jackie, and Naomi. They need to be in the loop. It's kind of unsafe... them not being in the loop, if you think about it, right?"

"I guess you're right..." Anna said. "We should tell them. Tomorrow?

"Tomorrow."

[Hayden: That's much too soon, we'll have to have a time skip and then cut to a flashback of you telling them about it.]

"Okay, good," Anna said. "See you then. But right now, I have a girlfriend to make up with."

[JCM: And with our luck, you'll make up with her in song.]

"You two are fighting?"

"Unfortunately..."

"Well good luck solving things."

"Thanks Bryan," said Anna. "See you."

"See you," said Bryan.

[Jjs: Hmm, could this be foreshadowing to Bryan x Anna? Hayden’s OTP is looking more and more true.]

[Clappy: Or could this be foreshadowing to Bryan x Anna x Molly? Three’s company you know.]

[CNF: A threesome would be more entertaining than this for sure.]

[Hayden: That bitch Jackie still stands in the way of my OTP.]

~~~

Anna arrived at Molly's house and knocked on the door. Molly opened up.

[CNF: Damn, I thought Molly closed the door.]

"What is it?" Molly asked. "I thought you were mad at me."

"I was... or am..." Anna said. "But we need to work this out."

[Clappy: WE CAN WORK IT OUT! WE CAN WORK IT OUT!]

"Come in then," Molly said. "We'll talk about it some more."

They went inside and Molly brought Anna a glass of water to drink, along with one for herself. They sat down on chairs and began to talk.

[Jjs: Aren’t they already underwater...oh right.]

[JCM: It's just an empty glass, but don't tell Anna that.]

[Hayden: Hmph, someone didn't go all out in the refreshment department now did they? She's a Morrigan, why not poof up a soda?]

"I just got back from talking with Bryan," said Anna.

"Bryan?" Molly asked. "What were you talking to him for?"

[Anna: Oh nothing...just that he wants to fuck me after this.]

"Are you... jealous?" Anna asked.

Molly blushed. "Of course not! No!"

[Hayden: Molly wants Bryan's fish dick too? Bet it tastes like those fish sticks she keeps in her random New York Apartment.]

"Liar! You're jealous!" Anna laughed...

[CNF: Jesus Christ, Sailor Moon can pull off a better girl to girl exchange than this.]

and was then offended. "You don't trust me."

[Clappy: I would say this immature, but these are all teenage fish we are dealing with.]

"Of course I trust you."

[Jjs: Incoming song in 5...4...]

"No, you don't," said Anna. "You don't trust me to protect myself, first of all. And you don't trust me to stay away from other men or women and stay true to you. What kind of girlfriend do you think I am? I'm NOT a cheater!"

[Jjs: 3...2...]

"I never said you were!"

[JCM: Here it goes.]

[Hayden: And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four....]

Anna started to sing "Take Me or Leave Me" by the cast of Rent (

).

[Clappy: I give up.]

[Jjs: 1, and BLAST OFF! I don’t have the energy anymore to make up songs or parody them. So here’s the next celebrity guest cameo: KANYE WEST.]

[Kanye West: Sup bitches, so far I ain’t seeing none of my music in this, so imma play a 10/10 song to get this shit out of your minds.]

[CNF: Kanye West shall be our savior.]

Spoiler

Anna:

"Every single day,

I walk down the street

I hear people say Baby, so sweet!

Ever since puberty

Everybody stares at me,

Boys, girls I can't help it, baby.

So be kind, and don't lose your mind

Just remember, that I'm your baby

[Kanye West: Bitch, you think you’re so good? How about this then:

In the night, I hear them talk the coldest story ever told

Somewhere far along this road, he lost his soul

To a woman so heartless 

How could you be so heartless

Oh, how could you be so heartless?]

Take me for what I am!

Who I was meant to be!

And if you give a damn,

Take me baby, Or leave me!

Take me baby or leave me!"

Anna:

"A tiger in a cage

Can never see the sun.

This diva needs her stage, baby,

Let's have fun!

You are the one I choose,

Folks would kill to fill your shoes!

You love the limelight too now, baby!

So be mine, and don't waste my time

Cryin', 'Oh honey bear are you still my, my, my baby?'"

[Kanye West: How could you be so cold as the winter wind when it breeze yo

Just remember that you talking to me though

You need to watch the way you talking to me yo

I mean after all the things that we been through

I mean after all the things we got into

Ayo, I know there are some things that you ain't told me

Ayo, I did some things but that's the old me

And now you wanna get me back and you gonna show me

So you walk around like you don't know me

You got a new friend, well I got homies

But in the end it's still so lonely]

Molly:

"Don't you dare!"

Anna:

"Take me for what I am!

Who I was meant to be!

And, if you give a damn,

Take me baby, or leave me!

[JCM: I choose the second option.]

No way, can I be what I'm not!

But hey, don't you want your girl hot?

Don't fight, don't loose your head,

'Cause every night who's in your bed?

Who? Who's in your bed?"

[Hayden: Well I think I'm in my bed for starters.]

Molly:

"It won't work!

I look before I leap.

I love margins and discipline.

I make lists in my sleep, baby.

What's my sin?

Never quit.

I follow through.

I hate mess but I love you.

What to do with my impromptu baby?

So be wise, 'cause this girl satisfies,

You got a prize, so don't compromise

You're one lucky baby!"

[Kanye West: How could you be so Dr. Evil?

You bringing out a side of me that I don't know

I decided we weren't gonna speak so

Why we up 3 A.M. on the phone?

Why would she be so mad at me for?

Homie I don't know she's hot and cold

I won't stop wont mess my groove up

Cause I already know how this thing go

You run and tell your friends that you're leaving me

They say that they don't see what you see in me

You wait a couple months then you gonna see

You'll never find nobody better than me]

Molly: "Take me for what I am!"

Anna: "A control freak!"

Molly: "Who I was meant to be!"

Anna: "A snob yet over attentive!"

Molly: "And, if you give a damn!"

Anna: "A lovable droll, geek!"

Molly: "Take me baby or leave me!"

Anna: "And over-protective!"

Both: "That's it!"

Molly: "The straw that breaks my back!"

Both: "I quit!"

Molly: "Unless you take it back!"

Both: "Women!"

Anna: "What is it about them?"

Both: "Can't live, with them or without them!"

Both: "Take me for what I am!"

Molly: "Who I was meant to be"

Anna: "Who I was meant to be

And, if you give a damn"

Molly: "And if you give a damn you better

Take me baby, (Anna Says: Oh take me baby!) or leave me"

Anna: "Take me or leave me."

Both: "Take me baby, or leave me!"

They say: "Guess I'm leaving, I'm gone!"

[Hayden: I highly doubt that. :(

[Kanye West: Talking talking talking talk

Baby lets just knock it off

They don't know what we been through

They don't know about me and you

So why I got something new to see?

And you just gonna keep hating me

And we just gonna be enemies

I know you can't believe

I could just leave it wrong

And you can't make it right

I'm gonna take off tonight (Into the night)]

 

And then Anna left the house again. Once she was out the door she said, "That was intense..."

[Clappy: This episode is making me suffer all sorts of pain.]

~~~

Jackie sat in her room, crying over Bryan rejecting her. She knew it was foolish and silly, immature even... but she was rejected, and she was hurting. She started to sing "Get It Right" by the cast of Glee (

).

[JCM: *puts on headphones* I'll be asleep if you need me.]

[Clappy: You know, how many times are we going to do fucking Glee covers? They are the absolute worst.]

[CNF: Welp I'm done with this fucking shit. I'm skipping.]

Spoiler

"What have I done? I wish I could run

Away from this ship goin' under

Just tryin' to help, hurt everyone else

Now I feel the weight of the world is

On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?

'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?

Oh, how many times will it take for me?

To get it right

To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?

'Cause I can't go back and undo this

I just have to stay and face my mistakes

But if I get stronger and wiser

I'll get through this

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?

'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many times will it take?

Oh, how many times will it take for me?

To get it right

So I throw up my fist

Throw a punch in the air

And accept the truth that sometimes life isn't fair

Yeah, I'll send down a wish

Yeah, I'll send up a prayer

And finally, someone will see

How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn't good enough?

When all that you touch tumbles down?

'Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things

I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?

Oh, how many times will it take for me?

To get it right

To get it ri-igh-ight."

She sighed.

[Clappy: How many more pages of pain do I have to suffer through?]

[Hayden: Well you definitely aren't getting anything right in life if you think Bryan is the make or break prize for yourself girlie. Hang in there Clap, I think we're winding down.]

~~~

It was the following day, and everyone in the group was meeting at Bryan's house, since had had called them there. Tori was out shopping, Bryan had made sure of that. He wasn't ready to tell her yet.

[Hayden: Holy barnacles, a time skip that is actually needed!]

Naomi was the first to arrive.

"Hey, Naomi," said Bryan.

"What do you want to tell us?" she asked.

"Just wait," said Bryan. "It's important, I swear. But... everyone has to get here first."

Slowly everyone else started to arrive, and also asked "What is it?" and "What's going on?" 

[Clappy: Wow, even 70s got so tired of this episode that he half-assed bringing everyone else to the scene.]

[Hayden: The hell did he need to have Naomi and Bryan greet each other for if he was going to start treating them like cardboard cut-out characters, more than usual I mean?]

Eventually everyone was there... everyone but Molly.

"Is Molly coming?" Bryan whispered to Anna.

[Hayden: Well, we all know how much the news needs to be broken to her.]

"I don't know... we had a fight," Anna whispered back.

"What's the hold-up?" Naomi asked. "I was up late at the hospital with Miranda and I need some serious sleep now."

"It's noon," said Seth.

"Need more," Naomi replied with a scowl.

[CNF: gRoyS1p.jpg?1 ]

[Hayden: Is Miranda a sleep deprivation demon?]

"Sorry," Bryan said. "Didn't mean to keep you waiting. Now... me and Anna both have been keeping some secrets from you guys for a while now."

"What?" Jake said. "Dude... I thought you tell me everything."

[Clappy: He fucked your ex. I bet he didn’t tell you that.]

"I do... except all this," said Bryan.

[Hayden: LIAR ALERT!]

"ALL?" Jake asked. "There's a lot of it?"

"And what's Anna have to do with it?" Jackie asked. "If you guys are dating I'm gonna go insane, because I thought she way gay now!"

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: was

Also, I love your subtlety Jackie.]

[Jjs: lol "way gay"]

[Hayden: Silly Jackie, it's far much more lame of a revelation than that. Something like that would result in a catfight, and we can't have nice things.]

"Bisexual..." said Anna. "And anyways guys, we're not dating. That's not what it is."

[Clappy: Since when was it even elaborated that she still had feelings for other guys. This is only leading to a Bryan x Anna forced shipping.]

[Hayden: Forced?! What Bryanna has is real and special! >:( ]

"What is it then?" Morgan asked.

Bryan and Anna started to sing "Secrets" by OneRepublic (

).

[Clappy: Their secrets are that he’s the “Chosen” and Anna is a witch. Secrets over….we are still getting a song, aren’t we….of course we are.]

[CNF: Skipping again.]

[Hayden: Since this song is a copyright infringement, how is it going to spill any information about that supernatural junk? All it will do is further establish that you have a secret. I hope they kick you in your fish crotches and then promptly proceed to leave for wasting their time.]

Spoiler

Bryan sang, "I need another story

Something to get off my chest

My life gets kinda boring

Need something that I can confess."

Anna sings, '"Til all my sleeves are stained red

From all the truth that I've said

Come by it honestly I swear

Thought you saw me wink, no

I've been on the brink, so..."

Both join and sing, "Tell me what you want to hear

Something that were like those years

I'm sick of all the insincere

So I'm gonna give all my secrets away.

This time

Don't need another perfect line

Don't care if critics ever jump in line

I'm gonna give all my secrets away."

Anna sings, "My God

Amazing that we got this far

It's like we're chasing all those stars

Who's driving shiny big black cars."

Bryan sings, "And everyday I see the news, all the problems that we could solve

And when a situation rises, just write it into an album

Seen it straight to go

I don't really like my flow, no, so..."

Both join again, "Tell me what you want to hear

Something that were like those yearsI'm sick of all the insincere

So I'm gonna give all my secrets away.

This time

Don't need another perfect line

Don't care if critics ever jump in line

I'm gonna give all my secrets away."

Bryan sings, "Oh, got no reason, got not shame

Got no family I can blame

Just don't let me disappear

I'mma tell you everything."

They join to finish: "So tell me what you want to hear

Something that were like those years

I'm sick of all the insincere

So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time

Don't need another perfect line

Don't care if critics ever jump in line

I'm gonna give all my secrets away

So tell me what you want to hear

Something that were like those years

Sick of all the insincere

So I'm gonna give all my secrets away

This time

Don't need another perfect line

Don't care if critics ever jump in line

I'm gonna give all my secrets away

All my secrets away

All my secrets away."

[Hayden: Would these two just fuck already? I knew they'd have a duet, the one shiny piece in this turd of a chapter.]

"What are your secrets?" Morgan asked. "Sorry, I don't know if I can be in this room with Jake for very much longer..."

[Clappy: And I can’t tolerate this episode any much longer…]

[Hayden: There goes that Liam PTSD again with Morgan. Clearly Liam has had such a believable lasting influence. Hell, I'd probably be able to swallow this storyline better if it was ever explained why Liam just up and disappeared.]

"We're getting to it..." Anna said and smiled.

"Well... first and foremost, vampires are real and Anna is a witch," said Bryan.

[Jjs: "However, stuff like aliens and ghosts are complete bullshit."]

"And Molly is this goddess called a Morrigan. And my destiny is to slay vampires and other demons and stuff... and Bikini Top is this thing, called a Hellmouth."

[Jjs: *chu-No, we've dignified that lulzy word enough.]

He continued from there, telling them everything. Anna joined a few times to fill the gaps from the story -- like her time in New York City, et cetera.

"Oh my God..." all of them said.

[Jjs: Such a detailed reaction.]

[Hayden: ":OOOOOOOOOOOOOO...." would have been a better written reaction]

"How could you go this long without telling all of us something like this?" Jake asked.

[Hayden: So ya'll immediately believe this shit but didn't believe Dora was in prison with Anna?]

"It didn't feel right to tell you," said Bryan.

[Jjs: Nothing has felt right in this spin-off.]

Anna said, "You may not have been safe, knowing."

"How is that more safe than NOT knowing?" Naomi asked.

[Hayden: Good question Naomi. You get a cookie! *smacks her in the face with it* You'd have been safe anyways, no supernatural creature would ever dare get in 10 feet of you, the most hideous creature Bikini Top has to offer.]

"It's not..." Bryan said. "You and Seth were actually taken recently... and that's why we told you."

"What?" Seth and Naomi both yelled.

"Taken?" Seth asked. "What the fuck? By who?"

"Why don't we remember?"

"Your minds were wiped," said Bryan.

"You violated our minds?" Naomi asked.

[Jjs: For the better, hopefully.]

[CNF: Yeah, they applied their sexual organs to your minds. How does that make you feel?]

"It's not violating," Anna said. "We just didn't think you guys had to remember that, because it was kind of traumatic, really scary. I don't like remembering it myself."

"I guess that's fair..." said Naomi. "We have other things to worry about."

"I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this," said Morgan.

"Same here..." said Jackie.

"Did Temperance's death have anything to do with all this?" Naomi asked.

"Of course not!" both Bryan and Anna said.

[Jjs: Of course not, because her death being mentioned is rarer than a Liam mention.]

[Hayden: Temperance's death wouldn't actually be connected to the plot. Don't be ridiculous Naomi.]

"Good..." Naomi said. "Just making sure.

"So... are you guys okay with this? Bryan asked.

"We need some time..." Seth said.

"Yeah, this is a lot to grasp," said Jake.

[Jjs: Don't think too hard.]

"I understand," Bryan said. "Kinda... weird, I'm guessing."

"Same here," Anna said. "Take your time."

"When can we meet Glinda?" Naomi asked.

[Hayden: Of course Naomi wants to meet the old hag first.]

"I still haven't got to," Anna said. "Maybe soon."

"Yeah, maybe soon," Bryan said.

"Cool..." said Naomi. "A witch."

"I'm a witch too," said Anna.

"Oh, right..." Naomi said. "Shit, my friend is a witch."

[Clappy: SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP ALL OF YOU. SEE, I CAN POINTLESSLY CURSE TOO!]

[Jjs: So, the big truth is finally revealed...and their reactions are about as bland and uncaring as I expected. I suppose when we have a scene with no song, we still have to fill in our quota of boring scenes. Moving on!]

[Hayden: What a bombshell, characters finally stopped being excluded from important knowledge they should have been filled in on ages ago so that the focus could be in the right place sooner.]

~~~

Anna went to Molly's house to see why she wasn't at Bryan's house like she was supposed to be. She barged through the front door to see Molly making out with a girl on the couch.

[JCM: *wakes up suddenly* My hot lesbian romance senses are tingling!]

[Hayden: I can't wait for the sexy visuals ever so masterfully crafted by the mind of 70s.]

"What in the hell?" Anna cried.

"Anna!" Molly said, almost sounding half-assed in being upset.

"I'm done," said Anna and walked out.

[Jjs: ...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! So was that girl the same one mentioned a long time ago that Molly made out with, which still never got explained? Fuck it, I don’t care anymore. This episode is such a fucking mess I can’t even...]

[Clappy: I’m with you. Not only was this break-up incredibly forced, but it just makes every single Anna x Molly scene incredibly pointless. I mean, Molly was the one who was being overprotective and caring for Anna this whole time while Anna was being a massive bitch about every single fucking thing. So this leads Molly to cheat? Is it because she was the newer character so we can still love Anna in the end? Fuck this scene so hard. I mean, if it wasn’t for this entire episode giving me chest pains and anger, this scene would be the one that stands out for how big of a travesty this episode was. That just goes to show how irritatingly awful this episode is.]

[CNF: Okay, time to use my match.]

[Hayden: This is the worst relationship next to Seth and Heather. Enough is just enough. The ironic part is the lesbianism aspect isn't how 70s fucked this couple up, but he dropped the ball on nearly everything else. Neither of these characters are sympathetic, and the same argument they have over and over again has gotten more repetitive than Brenda and Hersht. YES, EVEN MORE REPETITIVE THAN THAT, at least the angst in that makes a sliver of sense considering they're both vampires, but every problem Anna x Molly has is so fucking contrived that the cheating twist isn't even a surprising layer to add to it. I guarantee that has been done with every single relationship plot based off of my recollection.]

~~~

Morgan and Heather were talking at the house.

[JCM: Good thing I have my headphones on.]

[Jjs: If Morgan and Heather are talking to their house, they must really have been driven nuts from this episode. I don't blame them.]

[Hayden: Oh no, a scene with Heather, don't add Seth to the mix or else I jinxed it up above.]

"We've both been hurt lately, haven't we?" Morgan asked.

"Yes, we have..." Heather said. "Sorry you have to go through this, Mor."

[Jjs: Heath.]

"Sorry for you too, Mom," Morgan said. "You don't deserve this. Love sucks."

"That is definitely true," said Heather.

Heather started to sing "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri ( ).

[JCM: This an opportunity for me to bring out my own celebrity guests: The Lonely Island!] 

[Clappy: Oh god. You really are testing my patience 70s with the amount of shitty songs you are spewing.]

[Hayden: I wish I could rip out every character's heart and shove it into a jar.]

Spoiler

"I know I can't take one more step towards you

'Cause all that's waiting is regret

And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?

You lost the love I loved the most."

[Andy Samberg: The night starts now baby roll with us, chickens snapping at the neck when we rollin' up

Blow through the doors ain't no holdin' up

Black card at the bar like I gives a fuck]

Morgan sang, "And I learned to live, half-alive

And now you want me one more time

[Jorma Taccone: Ladies shifty eyed when we walk into the set, fuck the fellas looking jealous play the back and get wet

Three pound in my waist, shank in my sock, you either get cut, get stuffed or get shot]

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

[JCM: THIS IS THE TALE OF CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW, PIRATE SO BRAVE ON THE SEVEN SEAS]

[Andy Samberg: What?]

[JCM: A MYSTICAL QUEST TO THE ISLE OF TORTUGA, RAVEN LOCKS SWAY ON THE OCEAN'S BREEZE]

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?"

[Hayden: I think.....I'M BATMAN!]

[Akiva Schaffer: Yeah that was kinda weird, but we're back in the club

Buying up the bar so the groupies show us love.]

[JCM: KIERA KNIGHTLY]

Heather sings, "I hear you're asking all around

If I am anywhere to be found

But I have grown too strong

To ever fall back in your arms

[Akiva Schaffer: Motherfucking ice-man, I'm the top gunner

Heater on blast, I'm the number one stunner]

[JCM: JACK SPARROW]

And I learned to live, half-alive

And now you want me one more time

[Andy Samberg: Watch it girl cause I ain't your "Mr. Nice Guy",

More like the "meet ya take you home and fuck you twice guy"

All dressed up with nowhere to run,

And now I make you feel crazy with the]

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart."

[JCM: NOW BACK TO THE GOOD PART: 

FROM THE DAY HE WAS BORN, HE YEARNED FOR ADVENTURE

OLD CAPTAIN JACK GIVING THEM WHAT FOR.]

Morgan sings, "You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

[JCM: HE'S THE PAUPER OF THE SURF

THE JESTER OF TORTUGA

BUT IS DAVY JONES' LOCKER WHAT LIES IN STORE?]

[Akiva Schaffer: Yeah, we've seen the movie]

[Hayden: I'm still waiting for all these people to catch colds from their decrepit souls.]

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright

Remember how to put back the light in my eyes

I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed

Cause you broke all your promises."

[Andy Samberg: Throw your hands in the air and say hell yeah, come on]

Both sing, "And now you're back

You don't get to get me back

[JCM: CAPTAIN JACK]

[Andy Samberg: What?]

[JCM: JOHNNY DEPP]

[Andy Samberg: No]

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart."

[Jorma Taccone: From the front to the back say we count stacks come on]

Heather sings, "You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Don't come back at all."

[JCM: DAVY JONES]

[Jorma Taccone: Nope]

[JCM: GIANT SQUID]

[Jorma Taccone: Wrong]

Morgan sings, "And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart."

[Akiva Schaffer: JCM, we're really gonna need you to focus up]

[JCM: ROGER THAT LET ME TRY IT WITH ANOTHER FILM]

[Andy Samberg: Wait]

[JCM: LIFE IS A BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND MY NAME IS FORREST GUMP

THOUGH I'M NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED, I GIVE JENNY ALL OF MY LOVE]

Heather sings, "You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

Don't come back for me

Don't come back at all."

[JCM: I'M A LEGAL AIDE, ERIN BROCKOVICH IS MY NAME

THEN YOU CAN CALL ME SCARFACE, SNORTIN MOUNTAINS OF COCAINE]

Morgan sings, "Who do you think you are?"

[JCM: YOU COCKROACHES WANNA PLAY ROUGH? OKAY, I'M RELOADED]

Heather sings, "Who do you think you are?"

[JCM: THIS IS THE TALE OF TONY MONTANYA

CUBANO FLAME, WITH THE MIAMI NUTS]

Both join together and sing, "Who do you think you are?"

[Hayden: Where's Astenias when you need him to kill people who ask redundant questions?]

[JCM: GOT A BASEHEAD WIFE, BUT HER WOMB IS POLLUTED

THIS WHOLE TOWN'S A PUSSY, JUST WAITING TO GET FUCKED!]

They hold each other and cry.

[JCM: Thanks for helping out, Lonely Island. Lonely Island?]

[Clappy: It’s ok you two. The big bad episode will be over sooner or later.]

[Hayden: Their period cycles must be lining up.]

~~~

Brenda found Hersht in the woods.

[CNF: "masturbating to a picture of Brenda he stole from her wallet."]

"You have to stop doing this!" he says.

[Hersht: "But I'm just pleasuring myself! It's normal!"]

[Hayden: Agreed, this must stop NOW.]

"I came to tell you... I love you too," she says. "I know that song earlier... you only sang it because you can't be with me. But you can. I love you. And I know when I was transitioning into a vampire you held my fin for a lot of the time, and through all the pain that came with the transformation... that really helped."

[CNF: Now wait a second...I thought she couldn't see or feel anything during transition...what. INCONSISTENCY POLICE! This spin-off can't even be consistent with its stupid rules.]

She started to sing "I Want To Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles ( 

).

[JCM: The last Beatles song you haven't ruined. I guess it was inevitable.]

[Jjs: NO FUCK IT. I’m just going to go the Wumbo route and introduce....BLOOD ON THE DANCE FLOOR, with "Candyland". The fact I bothered to look up one of their songs and post it with Beatles music makes me a terrible person, I know, but this episode brings out the worst of me.]

[Clappy: Vampires? Singing classic Beatles music? God man, what kind of a monster are you.]

[CNF: *passes out*]

Spoiler

"Oh yeah, I'll tell you something

I think you'll understand

Then I'll say that something

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

[BOTDF: Ladies and gentlemen,

Whores and sluts...

Step right up,

Behind this curtain,

Is where all your fantasies come to life...

This is a place where you can escape,

Welcome to,

CandyLand!]

Oh, please say to me

That you will be my man

And please say to me

You'll let me hold your hand

Now let me hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

[BOTDF: Let me show you my game,

I put those shoes to shame.

These rhymes that I write,

Make you wanna fuck all night.

When we take off our clothes,

She sucks me till it snows!

I'll fuck her face so hard,

She is my wild card.

(Hot, sweet)]

And when I touch you

I feel happy inside

It's such a feeling

That my love I can't hide

I can't hide, I can't hide

[BOTDF: 

My sticky lollipop,

Inside your sweet gumdrop!

I'm bout to explode!

It feels too good to stop!

Just taste my tootsie roll,

You melt my icicle.

I gotta get my fix,

Please lick my pixie stick!]

Yeah, you got that something

I think you'll understand

When I feel that something

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

[BOTDF: Welcome to CandyLand!

I'll split your ass in two,

So take me by my hand;

Lick it up,

Slide it down,

And satisfy my sweet tooth!

Welcome to CandyLand!

You'll wanna fuck me twice,

I'll be your gingerbread man...

First time naughty,

Second time nice!]

And when I touch you

I feel happy inside

It's such a feeling

That my love I can't hide

I can't hide, I can't hide

[BOTDF: Candyland....Candyland...

Just close your eyes and dream,

A fantasy so obscene.

I'll take you by the hand,

This is my CandyLand!

You are my sweet playground,

Swallow my love,

Till you drown.

I'll be your back door man,

Welcome to my CandyLand!]

Yeah, you got that something

I think you'll understand

When I feel that something

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand

I want to hold your hand."

[BOTDF: Welcome to CandyLand!

I'll split your ass in two,

So take me by my hand;

Lick it up,

Slide it down,

And satisfy my sweet tooth!

Welcome to CandyLand!

You'll wanna fuck me twice,

I'll be your gingerbread man.

First time naughty,

Second time nice!]

The two of them kissed and started removing each other's clothes.

[BOTDF: Hey wait, our awesome song isn’t over yet!]

[Jjs: Oh screw off, you guys really are terrible..oh hey, we finally have our vampire sex scene. Yup. This is the spin-off that broke me.]

[Clappy: I want to hold your hand my ass. More like I want to fuck you ma’am.]           

[CNF: And it has finally happened, the vampire sex. Wonder what Tristan will think if he catches wind of this. Also, thanks for the acid trip BOTDF. I needed that.]

[BOTDF: Well at least someone appreciates our music. Are we getting paid-]

[Jjs: GET OUT! *locks out of theater*]

~~~

Anna arrived back at her house, leaned on it and started to cry. She started to sing "Liar Liar" by Christina Grimmie ( ).

[JCM: Oh, fun. Another song.]

[Hayden: Well what would this episode be without a song about the deep complexity of getting cheated on?]

[Clappy: Christina Grimmie? So you have run out of bad pop songs/Glee covers and are now hitting up YouTube sensations? Fuck me.]

[CNF: Alright Clappy, I'll go grab a slut. There's plenty on this show you know.]

Spoiler

"Can't see you anymore

You're in, and shut the door

Didn't know what I do know now

With words I've been betrayed

You respond and let them fade

and I just won't let you bring me down

You can see what I know and I know

Somewhere there's a sorry heart

Tell me why these roads keep leading

Leading you right back to me

Liar liar, don't cry on my shoulder

You played with fire

and smiled when you told her

Oh, oh, thought you were someone

Oh, oh goodbye to no one

So break away the touch

Of bliss you miss so much

But I won't tell you to come back home

Emotions dissipate;

Is love designed to hate?

Keep on driving away from here

Eye the rain as it falls in your hands

Will there be another storm?

Tell me why these roads keep leading

Leading you right back

Liar liar, don't cry on my shoulder

You played with fire

and smiled when you told her

Oh, oh, thought you were someone

Oh, oh goodbye to no one

I don't need to know you'll be there

You're not on my mind

I don't need to know you care

Please don't waste my time

Liar liar, don't cry on my shoulder

You played with fire

and smiled when you told her

Liar liar, don't cry on my shoulder

You played with fire

and smiled when you told her

Oh, oh, thought you were someone

Oh, oh goodbye to no one

Oh, oh, thought you were someone

Oh, oh goodbye to no one."

She continued crying.

[JCM: Well, it can't get much worse than that.]

[CNF: I'd be crying too if I went through something life-traumatizing...oh wait.]

[Jjs: I'm crying too...for the wrong reasons.]

[Hayden: I'm sobbing more profusely right now. No joke.]

~~~

Molly was alone in her house. She had long since kicked out the girl she had been kissing... whose name she didn't even know.

[CNF: *coughslutcough*]

She was only kissing her so Anna saw it happening, and then didn't care about her anymore.

[Clappy: Wow, your motivation for cheating is forced.]

She started to cry, and sing "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion (

).

[JCM: I need to stop talking.]

[CNF: Fuck this shit hard man. Oh well, 2 more pages to go.]

[Hayden: The only thing scarier than Celine Dion music store standees is her actual music.]

[Ella: Then I shall take on this final song for you, Prince Hayden.]

[Hayden: Your funeral.]

Spoiler

"Every night in my dreams

I see you, I feel you

That is how I know you go on

[Ella: In this darkest hour, 

A light is still shining bright, 

And though we've grown sour, 

We've endured with our glorious might!]

Far across the distance

And spaces between us

You have come to show you go on

[Ella: Far away from sanity, 

Let's lock this evil away with a key, 

And pronounce that we are free!]

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you're here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

[Ella: Our hearts and minds are worn away, 

Still we trudge on, 

Not turning away.]

Love can touch us one time

And last for a lifetime

And never let go till we're gone

[Ella: Love keeps us together, 

Through a lifetime of stress, 

We'll remember our time forever!]

Love was when I loved you

One true time I hold to

In my life we'll always go on

[Ella: Our lives are not over, 

They have just begun, 

And the stars in the sky are glowing like the moon and sun.]

Near, far, wherever you are

I believe that the heart does go on

Once more you open the door

And you're here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

[Ella: Our hearts and minds are worn away,

Still we trudge on, 

Not turning away.]

You're here, there's nothing I fear

And I know that my heart will go on

We'll stay forever this way

You are safe in my heart

And my heart will go on and on."

[Ella: A song is a song, 

Even when cliché, j

Just keep that knowledge my friends,

And we'll all have our destined day!]

[Clappy: Blow me.]

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS [EXCRUCIATINGLY AWFUL] EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

"Hair" by Lady Gaga [sung by Jackie]

"Never Going Back Again" by Fleetwood Mac [sung by Seth]

"Louder" by Charice [sung by Heather]

"Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.) by Katy Perry [sung by random chick]

"Lanslide" by Fleetwood Mac [sung by Molly]

"If I Die Young" by The Band Perry [sung by Anna]

"Mad World" by Gary Jules (original version by Tears for Fears) [sung by Bryan]

"Songbird" by the Glee Cast (original version by Fleetwood Mac) [sung by Jackie]

"Rolling in the Deep" by Adele [sung by Morgan and Jake]

"Rest in Peace" by the Buffy Cast [sung by Hersht]

"Schei?ƒe" by Lady Gaga [sung by Anna]

"Take Me Or Leave Me" by the cast of Rent [sung by Anna and Molly]

"Get It Right" by the Glee Cast [sung by Jackie]

"Secrets" by OneRepublic [sung by Bryan and Anna]

"Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri [sung by Morgan and Heather]

"I Want to Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles [sung by Brenda]

"Liar Liar" by Christina Grimmie [sung by Anna]

"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion [sung by Molly][/spoiler]

It probably shows that this took me FOREVERRRRRRRR to write and I worked like hell on it. Please review and rank the songs best to worst as well, if you will. 630566.gif 

[JCM: It's good to know that you "worked like hell" copying and pasting songs from lyric sites, with little bits of plot in between. As for ranking the songs, I will not.] 

[Jjs: *cries in corner* I'm sure it did take forever, just like it took forever for us to riff it-GAHHHH I’m done. This is the episode that broke me. What a piece of shit...my god. This was fucking awful from start to finish. Why oh why did I ask for a musical episode?! WHY WHY?! *takes cyanide pill and drops dead to the ground*]

[Clappy: This episode ranks high up there as one of the worst installments I’ve ever read of anything on SBC. No joke. This episode drove me on the brink of batshit craziness. I don’t know if I’ve signed up for the next installment of Jjs Riffing Theater, but I need at least a one or two episode break before I riff another. It was that abominable.

*curls into fetal position*

Make the pain go away…]

[CNF: You know I wish I had riffed 40 instead. Fuck vacation. Also, FUCK THIS EPISODE HARD. This is literally the worst thing I have ever read. Congratulations 70s, you have managed to make something even more boring than a book I'm forced to read in school.

I shall see you all again for the final episode. Au revoir! *throws smoke bomb on ground and disappears*]

[Hayden: Well let's hope the last three aren't as much of a chore. That's right, I'm on this sinking boat right until it capsizes, that's the Hayden guarantee! Ella you were a delight to have around, thank you for tackling those songs like a trooper. You sure are optimistic and....]

[Ella: *snaps* GAHHHHHHHHHHH! I can't hold it in anymore, that was the worst abomination to music I have ever seen in my life. So with that there is only thing left to say.........

My time on the show is mercifully finished and done, but that's not to say I had any fun! I'll do my best not to cry, but now I have to say goodbye! I came on Jjs's Riffing Theater and survived it just fine, with only massive damage to the base of my mind. I gave it my best try, but now I have to go jump off a bridge and die! *runs off and does that*]

[Hayden: Well that was......dark. I'm sure Hersht will save her. Right? Right?.......he's still having vampire sex isn't he? Yup, she's dead.]

R.I.P. Jjsthekid

March 4th, 1997 - August 23rd, 2014

Died of awful spin-off episode.

R.I.P. Ella

Died of awful spin-off episode.

 

Edited by jjsthekid
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[Jjs: "However, stuff like aliens and ghosts are complete bullshit."]

 

Lol, I actually wonder if aliens and ghosts would've made this spin-off more bearable. Great episode by the way, even though it took an hour for me to read.

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[Jjs: "However, stuff like aliens and ghosts are complete bullshit."]

 

Lol, I actually wonder if aliens and ghosts would've made this spin-off more bearable. Great episode by the way, even though it took an hour for me to read.

That's better than spending almost an entire day (with some breaks in between) riffing that mofo of an episode. :P

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Bikini Top Season 2

 

21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me
31. Express Yourself
32. Pray For You
33. Under My Bed
34. The Chosen
35. Big Cities, Vampirism, and Thewots
36. Sing
37. Strength
38. Something to Die For
39. Nothing Else Matters

40. Worst. Episode. Ever

41. Sing It Out

 

42. Skyscraper:

 

Spoiler

 

Before the events of this episode, a funeral was held to honor Jjsthekid, who tragically died at the end of 41 due to how awful it was. He will be missed, but his legacy shall continue.

 

S2E22 (42) - Skyscraper: Previously on Bikini Top... The musical spectacular was just that: spectacular. 

 

[Metal Snake: NO. COMMENT. FOR YOUR SAKE. AND MINE.] 

[Hayden: This man is delusional! We need to get him to a hospital ASAP!]

 

While the denizens of Bikini Top were singing

 

[JCM: ugh]

 

because of effects of the Hellmouth, feelings came out and secrets were revealed. Seth and Heather expressed their sentiments of being over each other (they totally didn't mean it)

 

[Hayden: They should have meant it if any of the characters (including the adults) showed an ounce of maturity.]

 

while Anna and Molly continued to fight over Anna's newfound abilities as a witch and her willingness to be involved in the supernatural. 

 

[Hayden: We haven't seen Anna use witch powers of any variety still.]

 

Jackie revealed her feelings for Bryan, who rejected her after she sang

 

[JCM: ugh]

[Hayden: That was probably Bryan's deal breaker.]

 

a very special song to him. Morgan told (and sang to)

 

[JCM: ugh ugh]

 

Jake she did not forgive him for his behavior, and for touching her forcefully, and that their relationship was over.

 

[Hayden: Now is the perfect time for Liam to re-enter the story, don't let me down again 70s.]

 

Brenda and Hersht continued to struggle with their feelings for each other, but eventually the two of them give in. Brenda admits she has feelings for Hersht and the two have sex. 

 

[Metal Snake: Ah, the only thing better than filler. Recapping filler. :D ] 

 

Naomi forms a bond with Miranda, the girl she shot while under David's influence.

 

[Hayden: >_<]

 

Bryan is sick of keeping everything about his life secret, and together he and Anna tell their friends everything. Later, Anna goes to see Molly to find her kissing another girl... something Molly was doing in an effort to keep Anna away from her and the danger that comes along with being with her. Shocker!

 

[Metal Snake: ZOMG IT’S THE NEWS OF THE CENTURY] 

[Hayden: Was he being sarcastic with that "shocker" and displaying some self awareness? Nah, not likely.]

 

Kara was in her new home, one she had purchased with stolen money.

 

[JCM: Doesn't a goddess have enough skills to make money legitimately?]

[Hayden: No JCM, she's evil, so the home had to be purchased with stolen money to emphasize that properly.]

 

It was nice being able to glamour people... oh, being a goddess was fun.

 

[Metal Snake: Yes, being a product of very bad writing is a blast.]

[Hayden: Can we please have Astenias back? Pretty please with questions on top?] 

 

She was sipping Dr. Ichthyoid 

 

[Metal Snake: Ichthyoid is just a fancy word for a fish, not an undersea spice. For fun, I’m going to give Past!70s the benefit of the doubt that this actually wasn’t a pun on the soda Dr. Pepper and that Kara used her goddess powers to turn a poor doctor into a beverage.] 

[JCM: I feel like I'd want to drink Dr. Pepper just to get the taste of Dr. Ichthyoid out of my mouth.]

[Hayden: I'm just surprised she isn't drinking a smoothie, someone's ahead of the curve in cool refreshment choices.]

 

with a straw, flipping through the latest issue of In Touch! Weekly.

 

"Rainn, can you believe Angelina Oilfish and Brad Bitterling just adopted a paddlefish? How... touching," she said.

 

[Metal Snake: ...No, because I have absolutely no idea what I just read.] 

[Hayden: Ugh, our villain would be into trashy celebrity gossip wouldn't she?]

 

"Can't believe it," Rainn said. "But, Kara... shouldn't you be plotting some sort of thing? I'm sure that's what the Chosen is doing as you sit there and read your magazine."

 

"WHAT did you just say to me?" Kara snarled.

 

[Metal Snake: Three lines of dialogue.] 

[Hayden: It sounded like he was warning of you of imminent danger to your plan of staying alive, HOW DARE HE!]

 

"I said..."

 

"I know what you said!" she shouted.

 

[JCM: I miss Astenias already.]

[Metal Snake: I’M ANGRY! LOOK AT THE COLOR OF MY WORDS!]

[Hayden: Somebody deserves a gold star for listening.]

 

"But..."

 

"Bryan Errin is no worry of mine, Rainn," Kara said, dismissing his concern. "He is no threat to me, although he may be a threat to you since you seem to nearly piss your pants just thinking about him. You're literally shaking. It's a little sad. You're a god, you do realize that?"

 

[Rainn: God? I’m not a god, I’m a fish with superpowers! Those two aren’t even remotely similar. Or...are they?] 

 

"Yes, I do realize that I'm a god!" Rainn said back, indignantly. "But the Chosen has gained power, you know this! He killed Mitchell!"

 

[JCM: It takes immense power to kill an old guy with a piece of wood.]

[Metal Snake: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Billy_Mitchell_%28video_game_player%29

 

Bryan killed the famous Pacman champion.] 

 

"And I killed Astenias!" Kara said. "Realize that. I'm much stronger than he will ever be, and he knows that. If he doesn't, he's mentally challenged and I'll just kill him... faster than I was already going to, anyways. 

 

[Metal Snake: Am I the only one having a hard time understanding Kara’s logic? It’s obvious she doesn’t really care about killing Bryan since he’s not a threat to her but...she’s going to anyways? Also, I thought the whole reason she was here was to kill Molly. What the heck’s going on now?!] 

[JCM: Apparently, killing Kara's parents isn't bad enough to provoke her wrath, but having the ability to turn into a tree is.]

 

By the way, stop calling him 'the Chosen'. You're making him sound like some cheesy superhero from a really, really bad movie or something. His name is Bryan. That's all. He's a senior in high school, and not a bigger deal than a shrimp."

 

[Metal Snake: I wonder about that. I’m not entirely sure I’d get a better deal buying Bryan instead of a shrimp.] 

 

"He's about to graduate," Rainn said.

 

"What the hell does that matter?"

 

[JCM: After he graduates, he'll turn into Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy.]

[Metal Snake: Almost no one in this spin-off cares about education, it seems. Sad…]

 

"Well... you said he was a senior..."

 

"Ugh..." she said. "How did I get stuck with you as my little brother? Please, tell me."

 

[Hayden: Well you see Kara, when a man and a woman love each other very much....ugh to hell with it, your parents are to blame, so maybe you should be thanking Molly for killing your parents. I mean our "protagonist" doesn't even feel any need to avenge his own.]

[Metal Snake: Ugh, how did we get stuck with this show as our #1 spin-off? Please, tell me.]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[JCM:

]

 

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXOBHnWiinY]

 

Bryan got out of bed. It had been a week since the town stopped singing. He enjoyed that everyone in Bikini Top had just accepted the singing and not questioned it. It made everything... comical, in a sense. 

 

[Metal Snake: Hehe, thanks for bringing that up because I actually wanted to riff that after reading last episode. This is not an abridged series of a cartoon where you can fuck reality all day and night long and then proceed to make comedy of the fact that no one in either real life or in the cartoon cares. Trying to breathe logic into a nonsensical gag in a “realistic show” and then having fun with the fact that no one cares about it is not funny. If anything, it comes off as pretentious.] 

[Hayden: Another stupid fucking time skip. What do these characters do during them? Are they suspended in motion? Can we have some poorly explained supernatural occurrence to give us the answers we so crave?]

 

He had to know why they were singing, but they didn't. They had the privilege of enjoying it while he did not.

 

[JCM: There were people who enjoyed it?!]

[Metal Snake: NYAH NYAH NYAH NYAH! HA HA HA HA HA HA! WE’RE ENJOYING SOMETHING AND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND IT!]

[Hayden: Yup, ignorance sure is bliss. Yet all the characters are miserable, wonder how that works.]

 

But he decided that was too depressing. He went downstairs to find the house had transformed.

 

Jake, Jackie, Seth and Tori were all hard at work, preparing balloons, setting up streamers, putting out tables, preparing napkins in neat little designs. And everything looked amazing.

 

[Metal Snake: Wow, what an elaborate transformation. 

 

“TRANSFORMERS! PARTIES IN DISGUISE!”] 

[JCM: TRANSFORMERS! PLEASE GOUGE OUT MY EYES!]

 

"Good morning, Bryan," Tori said.

 

"Time to get to work!" Jackie said. "Party time in just three hours!"

 

[Metal Snake: EVERYBODY’S FEELING FINE CAUSE IT’S PARTY TIME]

[Hayden: Is it to celebrate that the villain is too much of a narcissist to bother coming to kill you all yet?] 

 

~~~

 

"Mom, stop hogging the bathroom!" Morgan said. "I have to get my hair ready for the party."

 

[JCM: *flips hair* Yah, mothers are such a drag!]

[Hayden: The nerve of her hogging her own bathroom.]

 

Heather was in the bathroom, upchucking. She was so sick of doing this. She had never been pregnant before, and it was not something she particularly enjoyed this time around... if she enjoyed anything about this pregnancy.

 

[Metal Snake: ...Not even the fact that you’re going to have a child? Wow, I feel sorry for that kid.] 

[Hayden: Where's the fish abortion clinic when you need one? Also, I may not have experienced pregnancy just yet, but the amount of time she spends puking is such an exaggeration, focus on another existing symptom maybe? Perhaps some weird mood swings that cause her to abuse Morgan, who has more Liam flashbacks as a result.]

 

"I'll be out in a minute!" Heather called back. "Can't you use one the other bathrooms?"

 

"All my stuff is in there!

 

[JCM: How much stuff can you fit in three bathrooms?]

[Hayden: If there are three bathrooms, how did this stupid situation even come about?]

 

You should have used one of them!" Morgan called. "Hurry up Mom, please."

 

"I'm going as fast I can."

 

[Metal Snake: Puking is a tedious process. It’s a labor of love that takes patience.] 

[Hayden: Other places to vomit: In the kitchen sink, in your yard, in the trash can, on Morgan herself.]

 

"What are you doing in there, anyways?"

 

"Going to the bathroom, Morgan!"

 

[JCM: Oh, that's why they call it a bathroom!]

[Metal Snake: Last time I checked, people make a distinct noise when they vomit. Does Heather honestly think Morgan’s going to buy that she’s just using the toilet?] 

[Hayden: Well Morgan isn't very bright, she might confuse the noises that each end of the body makes.]

 

Morgan sighed and continued to wait.

 

~~~

 

"Good morning," Tristan said tenderly to his wife, who was lying in bed.

 

Brenda felt awkward... it was their first anniversary, and she had only just realized that since he woke her up. She laughed. "Happy anniversary."

 

[JCM: What better way to celebrate the week before your anniversary than by sleeping with another guy?]

[Hayden: Nothing like forgetting your anniversary after sex with a vampire! Temperance would have some choice words if she were still alive, thankfully she isn't.]

 

"Happy anniversary," Tristan smiled.

[Tristan: Copypasta, lol.] 

 

Brenda had spent much of the last ten days with Hersht, making love. As a vampire it was something there was really no limits to. It was probably the best thing she had ever experienced, and undoubtedly the best sex she had ever had. They did it every day -- multiple times a day -- since their first time.

 

[Metal Snake: So she’s cheating on him and thoroughly enjoying it too. Wow. I’m going to add “abridged series” to my list of things to compare this show to with how selfish and cold-hearted these characters are.]

[Hayden: 10 days of sex, were Jordin and Dora watching the whole time? Clearly that's the only thing they should be allowed to do. I wouldn't even complain if there was some quick commentary about the death of Astenias but this is just beyond irritating. There's absolutely no sign they know he's dead, and even if they do shouldn't they be worried about big bad Kara?]

 

"I have a great day planned for us today," said Tristan. "I got you a present, and tonight we're going out to dinner at Arowana's."

 

[JCM: I'm not even gonna try to pronounce that.]

[Hayden: I don't think she "Arowant's" to go there with you pal.]

 

Arowana's was the most glamorous, expensive restaraunt in Bikini Top. Brenda was blown away by his generosity.

 

"That's amazing," she said, although in her mind she was thinking only of Hersht.

 

[Metal Snake: You’re being too lovable.] 

[Hayden: Meh, he's being cheap anyways, the real anniversary hot spot is the Smoothie Shack.]

 

"Come on, get up," said Tristan. "I made breakfast."

 

~~~

 

Molly was in bed. She felt hollow. 

 

[Metal Snake: Hollow_Shell_Patrick.jpg ] 

 

It had been ten days since she had last seen Anna. But today, she'd be seeing her again. She was attending Charlea's first birthday party,

 

[JCM: So that's what the party is for? Why didn't 70s describe that before describing the details on the napkins? Also, isn't Charlea dead?]

[Hayden: A party for the napkins would be more essential to the plot than this.]

 

and she was positive that Anna would be there. She'd have to deal with being around her, something she'd been fretting for a while now.

 

[Hayden: You didn't attend the last get-together of secrets being exposed, why is it suddenly a necessity to go to a baby's birthday party if you're trying to avoid Anna?]

 

There was only one solution for the way she was feeling: Look hot.

 

[JCM: Good to know you aren't shallow.]

[Hayden: No matter how hot you look for a baby's birthday party you'll always be in Kara's shadow.]

[Metal Snake: If it made Naomi feel better about David, it should make you feel better about yourself. I’m not even surprised about how important looks are to everyone in this show since they all have the emotional depth of a puddle.] 

 

~~~

 

Anna finished getting ready for the party, and got in her boatmobile. She had offered to help and planned to do so. She was jumping into all the work possible to get her mind off of Molly and her indiscretions. 

 

[Metal Snake: Viewer indiscretion is advised.] 

[JCM: I've been indiscreet about this show since the very beginning.]

 

She walked downstairs.

 

"Where are you off to?" her mother, Helen, asked.

 

[Hayden: Thanks for reminding us Helen is her mother. No seriously, it's not like Helen is important, she didn't even notice her daughter was missing for months while in New York.]

 

"I'm going to Jackie and Jake's daughter's birthday party," Anna told her. "Remember? I've been talking about it for a week now."

 

[Metal Snake: “Just kidding, I’m going to the club to get wasted and do drugs. Remember? I’ve been talking about it for a month now.”] 

[JCM: Of course she doesn't remember. After all the times Molly men-in-blacked her mind, I'd be surprised if she remembered her own name.]

 

"Oh, right," Helen said. "Sorry."

 

"You okay, Mom?" Anna asked.

 

[Metal Snake: Is your short-term memory loss acting up?] 

[Hayden: Well of course Helen might have brain problems, no parent goes unscathed!]

 

"Of course I am," Helen said. "Have fun."

 

Anna was suspicious about Helen's behavior, but decided her mother was just acting strange for no reason. 

 

[Metal Snake: Okay, what Helen did already hardly qualified as “strange”, but now “acting strange for no reason”? So she’s pretending that there’s a conspiracy that...she’s oblivious to? O_O] 

[JCM: Anna just doesn't want to think about the fact that her ex-girlfriend broke her mother's brain.]

 

She got in her boatmobile and started driving.

 

~~~

 

Naomi was ready to leave for the party, so she got in her boatmobile and started driving. But on the way she realized that Miranda should come. She had been out of the hopsital for a week now and was in perfect condition. 

 

[Doctor: For that, I’ll trade you my patient Miranda. Fully recovered in mint condition.] 

[JCM: I hope her doctor's name isn't Dr. Ichthyoid, or I'll be craving a Dr. Pepper soon.]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: hospital]

 

The two had formed a close friendship, and this would be the perfect time for her to meet her friends. So she turned and made her way to Miranda's house. Once there, she knocked on the door.

 

[Metal Snake: Really? I thought once she got there she would try to break the doorknob.] 

 

Miranda's mother opened the door, and let Naomi in without a problem... which was not the case the first time Naomi visited her new friend.

 

[JCM: Maybe because she shot her new friend in the gut.]

[Metal Snake: A detail shoehorned in for foreshadowing’s sake…I see where this is going…]

 

Naomi walked upstairs and knocked on Miranda's door.

 

"Hey," Miranda said.

 

"Hey, I was just wondering something," Naomi said and put a smile on her face.

 

[Metal Snake: Oh gosh, this twist has been used so many times in this spin-off I don’t even understand why they make it a surprise…]

[Hayden: She put a smile on her face? I thought all the scowling had made her face freeze by now.] 

 

"What is it?" Miranda asked.

 

"I have a birthday party to go to -- it's for my friends' daughter -- do you want to go?"

 

[JCM: "It's either a birthday party or a funeral. I'm still not sure."]

[Metal Snake: *chuckles* Friends’ daughter? Her friends, as a group, had a child?] 

[Hayden: I knew they had Jexual orgies during the time skips. I JUST KNEW IT!]

 

"Would that be alright with your friends?"

 

"Definitely!"

 

"Then of course I'll go," Miranda said. "Just let me get ready. My hair is a mess. I look like shit."

 

[Metal Snake: That’s the spirit. You’re the perfect model of a mass of fecal matter.] 

[JCM: I can't see you and I know you look like shit.]

[Hayden: You can't look any worse than Naomi or Molly do with all that make-up on.]

 

"Bad night?"

 

"Yeah, it was an awful night. Maybe it was because it was a full moon or something, I have no clue."

 

[JCM: Yeah, those high tides will keep a feller up all night.]

[Hayden: Yeah, the full moon has an adverse effect on my looks too. This is so subtle I could die.]

 

They both laughed.

 

[Metal Snake: I’m laughing too at the wonderful job this spin-off is doing at building to YET ANOTHER CHARACTER being revealed to be a vamp...oh. Full moon...I get it. Still counts as the same twist though.] 

[Hayden: Team Miranda or Team Brenda?]

 

"Alright, let me get ready," said Miranda.

 

~~~

 

Mikayla got up and went to the kitchen to see Brenda and Tristan eating, and Brenda looking obviously uncomfortable... she wondered if Tristan noticed that.

 

[Hayden: Speak of the devil...]

[JCM: As a guy, I can assure you that we never notice those things.]

[Tristan: Yo, Mikay! What’s up? Did Brenda ever tell you how good she was at fidgeting around and biting her nails?] 

 

"You staying here today, Mikayla?" Tristan asked.

 

"Oh, no," Mikayla replied.

 

"Got plans?" he asked.

 

[Metal Snake: And milk?] 

[JCM: And aspirin?]

[Hayden: And relevancy? Why is Mikayla even still a character? We have Miranda and her big twist now instead.]

 

"Yeah, actually," she said. "Naomi invited me to a birthday party."

 

"A birthday party? Aren't they a little too old to be having one?"

 

[Metal Snake: *gasp* Too old to celebrate being closer to death? NEVER!] 

[Hayden: Free presents, free cake...how can you ever outgrow that?]

 

"Oh, it's for their friends' daughter, Charlea," Mikayla said.

 

[Metal Snake: Pfft...please stop saying “friends’ daughter”. It’s making me chuckle and creeping me out at the same time imagining them having a child through some sort of orgy.] 

[JCM: Wouldn't be the first time.]

[Hayden: This is the most times Charlea has been mentioned however. That is not a good omen for her at all.]

 

"Oh," Tristan said. "Well have fun. I know we will."

 

"Gross," Mikayla said. "Well I'm all ready -- which, nice for not noticing me being all spruced up, by the way 

 

[Metal Snake: I hope you know now that Temperance is gone, I no longer see you as a “voice of reason” you passive-aggressive ass.] 

[Hayden: Every character sure is doing their best to dress up for this momentous occasion. I hope Charlea spits up on all of them.]

 

-- and I'm gonna stop by the mall real quick before I go to the party. Still have to get Charlea a present."

 

[JCM: Hopefully, it's a new name.]

[Hayden: Ha, that'll be the day. Good Luck Charlea!]

 

"Have fun, honey," Brenda said.

 

"Will do, Mom."

 

[Metal Snake: Exposition, exposition. Drag it on, it’s so boring…] 

 

~~~

 

Seth was in the middle of decorating the house when his phone rang. It was a number he didn't recognize.

 

[JCM: Must be a debt collector.]

 

He picked up the phone and said, "Hello?"

 

[Person on other line: GOODBYE! *Seth gets sucked through the phone* 

 

That’s why you don’t pick up the phone if it’s a number you don’t recognize, kiddies.] 

 

"Hello," said the voice on the other line.

 

Seth recognized the voice... was it? "Dad...?" he said. "Is that you?"

 

The man he thought to be his father hung up quickly.

 

[JCM: Well, that's a poor way to collect debts.]

[Metal Snake: Thought to be his father? Is it just ATTWL3!70s doing a “mimicking trick”?] 

[Hayden: Did Seth's father sexually abuse him the same way Heather has been?]

 

~~~

 

The party had begun, and many of the guests were in attendance, although some were still on their way. Everyone was making casual conversation, as is common at parties.

 

[Metal Snake: No, really? I thought they’d be making formal conversation, as is uncommon at parties.] 

[JCM: Good evening, Mineral-based Serpent. It's delightful that you made it to this formal get-together.]

[Hayden: Oh, how I've missed these chapters where we see scenes of everyone getting ready to go to some sort of event. After this casual conversation better come some actual payoff.]

 

Bryan, Jake, Morgan, Anna, Jackie, and Seth were talking when Mikayla walked up to them.

 

"Hey you guys," she grinned.

 

"Oh hey Mikayla," Jackie said. "How have you been doing?"

 

"I'm great!" she replied. "I brought this present for Charlea. Hope it's okay. It's a bunch of really cute baby clothes." She winked.

 

[Metal Snake: “That won’t fit because they’re the wrong size. *winks to audience*”] 

[JCM: Who brings baby clothes to a funeral?]

[Hayden: Technically baby clothes are presents, not just a present you bimbo.]

 

"Thanks," Jackie said.

 

"Yeah, thank you," said Jake.

 

"You guys are both welcome," Mikayla said. "So... what are your plans for next year?"

 

[Metal Snake: This dialogue is so compelling...Compelling me to sleep, that is.] 

 

"College," everyone but Jackie said.

 

[JCM: Awwkward.]

[Hayden: Mikayla will now talk them out of it and into staying in Bikini Top forever for season 3.]

 

"Oh, where?"

 

"Bikini Top University," said Bryan. "We're all going there... well, except Naomi. But you probably already know that."

 

'Yeah, I do," Mikayla said. "Sucks I won't be seeing her next year while she's in Coralwood, but it is her dream."

 

[Metal Snake: Holly is a plant, and coral are living creatures. Dud Pun Number...I lost track.] 

[JCM: Every pun in this spin-off is a dud pun.]

[Hayden: You mean the dream that is to blame for her constant use of crack?]

 

"I think she should wait though," Morgan said. "She's my best friend. I've always dreamed of going to college with her and having fun with her. Joining a sorority, all that. I've thought about it since I was a little girl."

 

[Hayden: Because it's realistic to be in a sorority with your childhood friend when you go away to college.]

 

"Have you told Naomi that?" Seth asked.

 

"No..." said Morgan.

 

"Maybe you should," he replied.

 

[Metal Snake: Wow, this dialogue makes for a really good lullaby…] 

 

"Seth is right," said Mikayla. "Tell Naomi how you feel. Maybe if she knows that she'll stay here in Bikini Top. I know I'd like that. I'll be at Bikini Top University next year too."

 

[JCM: Hooray for peer pressure!]

[Hayden: "We all have to stick together forever. Not one person can stray from that and follow their actual dream!"]

 

Naomi walked through the front door with Miranda, and smiled when she saw her friends. She ran towards them.

 

"Hey guys!" she said.

 

"Hey Naomi."

 

[Metal Snake: Hello SBCers. Hello SBMers.] 

 

"This is Miranda, the girl I -- well, you know," she laughed awkwardly.

 

[JCM: There's nothing funnier than shooting people.]

[Hayden: What a riot this unlikely friendship is.]

 

"Hi Miranda," said Morgan. "I'm Morgan. Nice to meet you."

 

[Metal Snake: At least this conversation couldn’t get any more mundane…] 

 

"I'm Anna."

 

"I'm Seth."

 

"I'm Bryan."

 

[Metal Snake: God damn it!] 

[JCM: I'm done.]

[Hayden: *beats head against the wall*]

 

"Hey, I'm Jake."

 

"I'm Jackie, nice to meet you, Miranda."

 

"Oh hi, I'm Naomi's friend Mikayla."

 

[Metal Snake: And I’m a riffer of this spin-off, Metal Snake.]

[Audience: Oh hi, Metal Snake. Nice to see you using introducing yourself as filler.] 

[Hayden: This is the most real character interaction 70s has ever pulled off.]

 

"Hey guys," Miranda said, and shook fins with all of them. "You all seem really nice."

 

[JCM: "Nice" is just a nice way to say boring.]

[Hayden: Oh poor, poor, poor naive Miranda.....]

 

"Thanks," Jake said. "You know, you're hot."

 

[Metal Snake: OOOOOOOOOHHHHH!]

[Audience: ...That’s kind of awkward, saying that to a girl he just met.] 

[Hayden: Oh, I get it now! A baby's birthday party is the perfect place to pick up boys.]

 

Morgan rolled her eyes.

 

"Haha, thanks," Miranda giggled. "You're not too bad yourself, Jake."

 

[JCM: Wait 'til you get to know him.]

 

"I know," he said.

 

Morgan rolled her eyes some more now. 

 

[Metal Snake: How I’m envisioning Morgan right now…

538c3725d10f796f41e51dbfc21bda4e_1024.gi  ] 

 

"I'm going to go and get some punch," she said.

 

[JCM: If you want a punch, go to Seth. He's punched three different people in the last six episodes alone, which might be a record.]

[Hayden: Or just find Liam. Come out, come out, wherever you are Liam.]

 

"Oh, okay," said Miranda.

 

Now Molly slowly walked through the door, and everyone's eyes were completely fixated on her.

 

[Metal Snake: No one in this universe knows that it’s impolite to stare, it seems.] 

 

("Misery Business" by Paramore [ 

]starts to play through the remainder of the scene)

 

 

[Hayden: I thought we were done with those. Well, at least there's no copy and pasted lyrics to accompany it.]

 

"Damn..." said Anna.

 

Molly was wearing a tight dress that accentuated her body in all the right ways, showed off her legs, and her breasts. Her hair was in elegant curls extending to her shoulders. She wore high heels that 'clacked' every time she walked.

 

[JCM: What an appropriate thing to wear to a 1-year-old's birthday party.]

[Hayden: Why not just make this their graduation party? Jeez these people are just embarrassing themselves.]

 

"Holy shit..." said Jake.

 

[Metal Snake: Holy foul language, Jake!] 

[Hayden: Is he going to get a fish boner for every girl at this party?]

 

Bryan and Seth stood there, mouths open wide.

 

"Hello," Molly said.

 

"Holy shit!" Jake repeated.

 

[JCM: Your daughter just learned a new word today.]

[Metal Snake: Wuh.] 

[Hayden: Spit out your drink Jake, I don't believe you're taken aback yet.]

 

"Hi, Jake," said Molly. "Nice party."

 

"Um... um... HOLY SHIT," said Jake.

 

[Metal Snake: Uh...did Jake’s brain short circuit? Is the sight of an attractive woman so shocking that his brain’s having a System Error?] 

[JCM: Assuming that his brain isn't always having a system error.]

[Hayden: COVER YOUR EARS CHARLEA!]

 

"Thank you," she laughed. "I just... figured I'd get dressed up for the party. Haven't gotten really dressed up in a while. I enjoy it."

 

"You're not the only one," Naomi said. "Look at these guys."

 

Molly laughed again.

 

[Metal Snake: It’s good that Naomi and Molly find the cliche of EVERY GUY literally going gaga over a girl in flashy clothing funny, because I’m sure no one else does.] 

[JCM: The baby might as well be dead, because she's barely been mentioned at all at this party.]

[Hayden: Well obviously the focus of this party isn't Charlea, it's who can be Point Place's sluttiest slut. Er, I mean Bikini Top's sluttiest slut.]

 

~~~

 

"Close your eyes," Tristan said. "I'm going to get you your present."

 

[brenda: OOH, OOH! Is it candy?! :D 

[Tristan: No, it's divorce papers. SIGN EM BITCH!]

 

Brenda did as she was told and closed her eyes.

 

Tristan came back with a little black box. He opened it, and put the silver necklace inside it around Brenda's neck.

 

She started to scream loudly.

 

[brenda: AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!! Why didn’t you get me a candy necklace?!] 

[Tristan: Don't worry! I got you this garlic necklace to compensate! *Brenda screams louder* That didn't work.]

 

~~~

 

"Time for cake!" Tori announced.

 

Everyone came over and sang "Happy Birthday" to Charlea. There was the typical jeering and clapping, and everyone smiled and talked to each other once again.

 

[Metal Snake: Typical...jeering? It’s typical that they taunt this girl on her birthday?! Wow, this really is an abridged series.]

[Hayden: It's hilarious how ignored Jackie has been during her own daughter's birthday party chapter.] 

 

Sarah walked up to Tori.

 

"Hi, Tori," Sarah said. "Haven't been able to see you much."

 

[JCM: That's because she was too busy having her old white lady conversations with Heather instead.]

 

"I've been making the rounds, you know," Tori laughed. 

 

[Metal Snake: So Tori is a sports referee, sweet.] 

 

"There are so many of our friends at this party... and so many fish I don't know, I suppose kids from the school. It's pretty hectic."

 

"Of course," Sarah smiled. "Thank you so much for throwing this party, by the way. I would have thrown it, but my house isn't big enough for all these guests."

 

[Metal Snake: “Also, the giant monster living at my place is pretty territorial…”] 

[JCM: Yeah, Jackie's pretty horrible.]

 

"My house obviously has enough room," Tori laughed again. "I keep thinking, when the kids go to college next year, that I should just sell this place and get a smaller one."

 

"That might be a good idea," said Sarah. "I'm glad I have another year before Jackie leaves for college."

 

"I thought the boys told me she was planning on dropping out."

 

"Oh no," Sarah said. "She's definitely not doing that. She was thinking about it, but I knocked some senese into that girl."

 

[Metal Snake: Senese? She made her feel the wrath of Siena?] 

 

"Oh..." said Tori. "Well, whatever you think is right, I suppose."

 

[JCM: That's such a lukewarm response to a child's education. No wonder Bryan skips school whenever he pleases.]

[Hayden: Can he just kill off all the adults already, these conversations are so awkward and pointless.]

 

"Thank you," said Sarah. "It was tough, but I just think it's right she has an education."

 

"That's a good point," Tori said.

 

[Hayden: What do you care about education Tori? It's not like you'll ever be going back to college, you're going to the land of written off characters soon, remember?]

 

All of the teens were talking to each other when Molly went to go throw away her finished plate of cake. 

 

[Metal Snake: Aww, I wanted to hear that cake’s story. :( Surely, it has to be more interesting than this.] 

[Hayden: Don't have too much cake Molly, you don't want that tight dress of yours to rip. Oh shit, I gave 70s another cliché to use.]

 

Jackie followed her.

 

"Molly, I have a favor to ask," she said.

 

[JCM: Sorry, Jackie. Not even she can make you attractive.]

 

~~~

 

"Brenda!" Tristan yelled. "Brenda!? What's wrong?"

 

She continued to scream, louder and louder. Alex started to cry.

 

[Metal Snake: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! When it was mentioned that Alex was at the restaurant with them, or hell, even in this episode? Does she have supernatural powers too now?!]

[Hayden: Not sure if they're at the restaurant yet. If they were, I'd hope they were kicked out.]

[JCM: Did that scene even need to exist on its own? I swear, this cutting is getting more haphazard with every episode.]

 

~~~

 

Hersht could hear Brenda's scream from the woods with his heightened hearing.

 

[Metal Snake: Wuh...okay, no. That doesn’t make sense. If his hearing is heightened to the point where he can hear a noise from that far away, wouldn’t a noise up close disrupt his eardrums and cause him severe trauma? I guess now we can add live concerts and DJ clubs to the neverending list of weaknesses for vampires...poor things.] 

[Hayden: So damn fragile aren't they?]

 

"Brenda," he growled.

 

He immediately ran to her house.

 

[JCM: Isn't it a bit early to bang Brenda again?]

[Hayden: Maybe this is some kind of foreplay the two decided on in advance.]

 

~~~

 

("Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5 [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

 

[JCM: No.]

[Hayden: Only a matter of time before that got used.]

 

Everyone was still talking and having a great time at the birthday party.

 

[Metal Snake: EVERYBODY’S AT THE PARTY HAVING A REAL GOOD TIME] 

[Hayden: I'M SO INVESTED IN KNOWING WHETHER OR NOT THEY HAVE A SWELL TIME AT A BABY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY, HERP A DEE DERP!]

 

"This is the best party ever!" a random person from school yelled at Jake.

 

"Thanks, dude!" Jake said. "But I don't think you mean it, you're sober."

 

[JCM: Yeah, underage drinking is cool!]

[Hayden: Drinking is the only way a party can be good man!]

 

"Point taken!" the guy walked away.

 

[Metal Snake: Wait...that conversation wasn’t implying...getting drunk...at a little girl’s birthday party… O_O] 

[Hayden: Might as well give Charlea some alcohol too then. She's going to need it.]

 

Morgan was holding Charlea when she started coughing a lot. "Jake, here, take her," she said.

 

[JCM: Jake will cure her with his magic cough-curing hands.]

[Hayden: It must be the second hand smoke.]

 

Charlea continued to cough while Jake slowly swayed her back and forth. "Shh," he said. "It's okay, baby."

 

She eventually stopped coughing but was breathing heavily.

 

[Metal Snake: If she’s hyperventilating, I understand. I wouldn’t be comfortable around these people treating a birthday celebration like it’s some kind of party at a club…] 

 

"Is she okay?" Seth asked.

 

"Oh, yeah," Jake said. "She's just a little sick."

 

[JCM: Sick of all the pointless dialogue? She's not the only one.]

 

"Those were some pretty intense coughs," said Naomi.

 

"Have you guys never heard a baby cry before?" Jake asked. "It's fine, she's fine. Everything is fine.

 

[Metal Snake: “Forget that she was coughing, babies cry! EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!” Only in Jake’s world. >.<] 

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oK19iX3L87w

Hmm, it really does apply to this group's stupid mentality, maybe 70s should have played this throughout the scene.]

 

Now let's party some more."

 

[JCM: Father of the Year right here.]

[Hayden: "BREAK OUT THE BOOZE AND LOCK THAT LITTLE SHIT IN THE CLOSET SO IT'S BREATHING WILL STOP INTERRUPTING OUR GOOD TIME!"]

 

"The party's over, everyone!" Tori called eventually. "Goodbye!"

 

Bryan, Morgan, Seth, Naomi, Anna, Naomi, Miranda, and Mikayla laughed.

 

[Metal Snake: Can’t blame them. Jake sure is a character...literally.] 

 

~~~

 

Molly pulled into Bikini Top High School, Jackie next to her in the front seat of her boatmobile.

 

[JCM: Are they lesbian lovers now? Still wouldn't make Jackie interesting.]

 

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Molly asked.

 

"Positive," said Jackie. "Will you do it for me?"

 

[Hayden: Uh oh, don't tell me...]

 

"Of course."

 

[Molly: You’ll let me watch the TV we’re going to steal too though, right?] 

 

"Then let's go," Jackie said. The two of them got out of the boatmobile and made their way into the school, to Principal Fishkins' office.

 

[JCM: Principal Fishkin of the proud Fishkin clan sat in his office, wondering what he's done with his life.]

[Hayden: Oh no! Was Principal Fish fired? :( ]

 

They reached the door to the office and knocked.

 

"Come in," came the principal's voice.

 

[Metal Snake: “Yes, come in people who shouldn’t be here this late.”]

[Hayden: Wait, was this a school day? Is this on the weekend? Why would the principal just be sitting in there....*gets shot for asking too many intelligent questions*]

 

The two of them walked in and Molly locked eyes with the principal. "Principal Fishkins, Jackie is a brilliant girl."

 

[Hayden: Brilliant enough to have a child and then leave it alone with Jake back at the party while it's having breathing problems.]

 

"She is, isn't she?" he said.

 

[JCM: No, she's an idiot.]

[Metal Snake: Wait...OH DON’T TELL ME...] 

 

"She's graduating next week," Molly said. "She gets to skip senior year. She has all her credits."

 

[Hayden: BUT THAT'S CHEATING! Jackie cheated at life, surely karma will catch up with her for this.]

 

"She's graduating. All her credits have been earned."

 

Molly smiled. "Great!"

 

[Metal Snake: AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH ARE YOU SERIOUS?! NO! This is stupid! Why does Molly have the power to compel others now?! I thought that power was something only the vampires had! I don’t care that she’s a “goddess”, it’s so uninteresting to make her this overpowered!] 

[JCM: I'm still trying to figure out what the differences between goddesses, vampires, and witches are, despite the fact that goddesses are apparently strong enough to snap a vampires neck, and witches can do anything except open a door when it's most convenient.]

 

The two of them started to walk away.

 

"See you two girls next week for graduation!"

 

When they were outside Molly said, "Now we just have to get to Bikini Top University and talk to the admissions office."

 

[Metal Snake: *sigh* Go away...I miss Witch!Molly. Goddess!Molly sucks.] 

[JCM: Talk to the admissions office of Georgia Tech about me when you're finished kthx.]

[Hayden: If only we could all bypass the education system like this.....oh wait, then we'd be seen as one of the dumbest countries in the world. *stares blankly into the screen*]

 

~~~

 

Hersht burst through the door to Brenda's house.

 

"Who the fuck are you?" Tristan shouted.

 

Hersht extended his fangs.

 

[JCM: He asked who you are, not what you are. Keep up!]

[Anna: "So, what are you?"]

 

"Vampire!" Tristan screamed. He grabbed a chair and broke the leg off of it, creating a makeshift stake. He pointed it towards Hersht's heart.

 

[Metal Snake: Wait, INCONSISTENCY POLICE! When was it mentioned that Tristan knew about the vampires?! I thought it was just Mikayla who witnessed Brenda feeding before she was hypnotized into not seeing it! How did he find out?!] 

[Hayden: To be fair, from common lore he's bound to know what a Vampire is, though he doesn't seem all too stunned they actually exist.]

 

Brenda continued screaming. Hersht winced as he took the necklace off of her and threw it out the door. She stopped screaming.

 

"That was my wife's fucking necklace!" Tristan yelled. 

 

[Tristan: "IT'S FUCKING IRRETRIEVABLE!"]

[JCM: And now it's the dirt's fucking necklace.]

[Metal Snake: “Yeah, my wife’s fucking necklace that was killing her!” 

 

...ARE YOU BRAINDEAD?!] 

 

He lunged towards Hersht, but before he could kill him, Hersht kicked him with all his force. 

 

[Metal Snake: VAMPIRE KICK!] 

 

Tristan flew across the room and hit a wall, causing paintings to fall off the wall.

 

[JCM: Those poor, poor paintings.]

 

("Jack's Song" by Michael Giacchino [ 

] plays through the rest of the scene)

 

 

"Hersht!" Brenda screamed.

 

Hersht ran towards Tristan. Tristan regained his composure and ran towards Hersht with the stake again. They collided, but the stake missed Hersht, flying across the room. Hersht grabbed it, and threw it directly at Tristan. It pinned Tristan to the wall.

 

[JCM: At least there aren't any more paintings falling victim to your senseless violence.]

[Metal Snake: Oh, don’t make me pull out my Street Fighter line...what the hell is up with the physics in this battle? Seriously...first, making a stake out of a CHAIR LEG with no sharpening tools, colliding into someone you’re trying to STAB and somehow missing them, and throwing a small piece of wood at someone that somehow has the weight and force to carry its victim all the way over to the wall and HANG them there...Sense, this makes none.] 

[Hayden: Yeah, that "stake" wouldn't have been sharp enough at all, it'd be just as dull as Tristan was as a character.]

 

Tristan was hanging there, on the wall, the stake right through him.

 

[JCM: That painting looks weird.]

 

He threw up blood all over the ground.

 

Brenda screamed at the top of her lungs. "NO! No! No! No! TRISTAN!"

 

[Metal Snake: Read that line in the voice of an actor voicing a video game character badly. Trust me, it makes it a lot more entertaining.]

[Hayden: Well, at least this is an anniversary she won't soon forget!]

[brenda: Are you still paying for Arowana's?] 

 

Tristan gurgled up some more blood then slowly stopped breathing.

 

Hersht was breathing heavily, then he calmed down. He checked Tristan's pulse. "He's dead," he declared.

 

[JCM: Wow, really? You'd think a person would survive having a chair leg go through their heart.]

[Hayden: Another easy solution dished out for a long running plot!]

 

"Dead?"

 

"Dead."

 

[Metal Snake: “Yeah, about that whole not hurting living creatures thing...I forgot to tell you that I’m not very good at it.”] 

[Hayden: "DO AS I SAY NOT AS I DO!"]

 

Brenda sobbed.

 

[JCM: Yeah, I'll miss the paintings, too.]

 

~~~

 

("Lights" by Ellie Goulding [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

 

Morgan and Anna were driving back from the party together.

 

"Are you okay?" Morgan asked Anna. "You've seemed down lately, especially today."

 

[JCM: Well, she did just see her ex-girlfriend dressed up like a prostitute. A very expensive prostitute, at that.]

 

"Me and Molly are broken up."

 

[Metal Snake: What’s up with the verb tense? Seriously, “you’ve seemed down”? “Are broken up”? Contact missing our proper grammar.] 

 

"Yeah, why is that?"

 

"She cheated on me," said Anna.

 

"What?" Morgan asked. "Molly never seemed like the cheating type."

 

[Metal Snake: Though I do remember her being unusually lucky in all of our poker games…] 

[Hayden: But everyone in Bikini Top has been the cheating type.]

 

"I never thought she was," Anna said. "I can't believe I tried saving her life in New York, and here."

 

[JCM: You do realize that Morgan is a fish and has probably never heard of New York, right?]

[Hayden: All I remember you doing in New York was eating, sleeping, and goofing off until you finally found out you were a witch and were transported to the scene of action. Then you were promptly knocked out by a red bolt of firing. Point in case, you didn't do all that much.]

 

"Don't say that," Morgan said. "You know you still love her, even if she did cheat on you."

 

"Honestly, I don't know that," Anna said. "I wish I did."

 

[Metal Snake: IF ONLY I KNEW!]

 

~~~

 

Jackie arrived home and told her mother, "Guess who's graduating and going to Bikini Top University!"

 

[JCM: Guess who doesn't care?]

[Hayden: That's not suspicious at all....wait, we don't get to see any sort of reaction to this nonsense? Easy way to write yourself out of a corner.]

[Jackie’s Mom: You graduated senior year in one night?! THAT’S UNBELIEVABLE! ...Literally, how in the world did you do that? >.<] 

 

~~~

 

Anna arived home.

 

"Where were you?" Helen asked.

 

[JCM: Probably the same place you've been since episode 34.]

 

"I was at that party," said Anna. "I told you that quite a few times."

 

"No you didn't."

 

[Metal Snake: “Sorry dear, I forgot my short-term memory loss was acting up again.”] 

 

Anna sighed.

 

"Dear, could you help me make spaghetti? I'm hungry and I just can't remember how to do it."

 

[Metal Snake: I’ve fallen and I just can’t remember how to get up.] 

[JCM: I hope they bring lotsa spaghetti.]

 

"You always make spaghetti," said Anna. "How could you not remember how to do it?"

 

"I don't know..." said Helen. "Could you please just help me, honey?"

 

[Hayden: Look up the directions online!]

[Helen: I don't remember how to use the internet.]

 

~~~

 

Molly got home and sighed.

 

[JCM: What.]

[Metal Snake: Metal Snake riffed another pointless scene of filler and sighed at the constant sighing in this show.] 

[Hayden: Hayden groaned as be saw his fellow riffers were just as fed up with unnecessary scenes as he was. Yet he kept typing on until the riffs crushed the scene itself in length.]

 

~~~

 

Morgan got home to find Heather puking in the downstairs bathroom. "Mom, are you okay?" she asked.

 

"Oh yeah, of course I am," Heather said. "Just the flu, babe."

 

[Metal Snake: Having the flu’s just part of an ordinary day for me.] 

 

Morgan decided to believe her.

 

[JCM: This spin-off is nothing but a bunch of fish living in blissful ignorance of the obvious peculiarities around them.]

[Hayden: You've done this one too many times. You think after everyone didn't notice you were being beaten by Liam that you'd be more interested when something strange was happening to someone else.]

 

The two of them sat down and started to watch a movie later when there was a knock on the door. Morgan opened it to see a man in his mid-40s standing in front of her.

 

"Hi, I'm Richard," the man said. "Your birth father."

 

[Metal Snake: “Yo, what up? I’m your birth father. Don’t be surprised, I just left you all for a real long time!”] 

[JCM: You can't go wrong with baby daddy drama. Though I'm sure 70s will find a way to do so.]

[Hayden: Is this the same guy she cheated on Seth with? Let's hope she goes back to the age appropriate relationship and another nice little bow is wrapped onto another plot so we can quit cringing.]

 

~~~

 

("Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato [ 

] plays throughout the end montage)

 

 

[Hayden: YES, THE END MONTAGES ARE A CLASSIC STAPLE OF THIS SERIES, EVEN IF THIS IS THE LAST ONE WE EVER GET.]

 

Hersht burns Tristan's body in the backyard.

 

[Metal Snake: And he doesn’t even feel the “twinge of humanity” commanding him to bury someone he killed rather than cremate him. I know this jerkbag was full of shit.] 

 

Brenda weeps as she scrubs blood off her floor.

 

[JCM: It's your fault for not liking the silver necklace.]

 

Mikayla gets home and screams.

 

[Hayden: HERSHT IS YOUR NEW DADDY!]

 

Morgan invites Richard in.

 

Anna and Helen make spaghetti.

 

[Metal Snake: Oh yeah, we’re back to these useless montages again. Lovely.] 

[Hayden: Explain the term useless to me.]

 

Molly buries her face in a pillow and cries.

 

[JCM: Just like me after every night I riff this.]

 

Jake cradles Charlea as she continues to cough and cough. Tori expresses concern that Jake quickly shushes away.

 

[Hayden: Where could this possibly be heading?]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

"Misery Business" by Paramore

"Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5

"Jack's Song" by Michael Giacchino

"Lights" by Ellie Goulding

"Skyscraper" by Demi Lovato

 

---

 

Season finale coming soon! 

 

[Metal Snake: But we’re not back to reviews being appreciated...You really don’t like us, do you Past!70s? :( ] 

[Hayden: Followed by the series finale, which is also the season premiere. Yeah, you could have planned that better.]

Edited by jjsthekid
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I thought silver hurt werewolves not vampires. Either my knowledge is mixed up (I wouldn't mind that like I really care) my eyes played a trick on me to protect it from the horror, or just really bad research. Meh, whatever.

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I thought silver hurt werewolves not vampires. Either my knowledge is mixed up (I wouldn't mind that like I really care) my eyes played a trick on me to protect it from the horror, or just really bad research. Meh, whatever.

You're right, silver hurts werewolves.

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Great job, guys.

 

I thought silver hurt werewolves not vampires. Either my knowledge is mixed up (I wouldn't mind that like I really care) my eyes played a trick on me to protect it from the horror, or just really bad research. Meh, whatever.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_vampire_traits_in_folklore_and_fiction#Weaknesses

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Bikini Top Season 2

 

21. To All of You
22. Look After You
23. Hallelujah
24. I'm Just A Kid
25. Gossip Hurl
26. Fade to Black
27. Eet
28. Christmas Lights (Part 1)
29. Christmas Lights (Part 2)
30. Dream a Little Dream of Me
31. Express Yourself
32. Pray For You
33. Under My Bed
34. The Chosen
35. Big Cities, Vampirism, and Thewots
36. Sing
37. Strength
38. Something to Die For
39. Nothing Else Matters

40. Worst. Episode. Ever

41. Sing It Out

42. Skyscraper:

 

43. Speeding Cars:

Spoiler

*Jjs is seen in the Land of the Dead playing a poker game with Death*

 

[Jjs: Man, I'm living the dream. Being dead is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Now I don't have to read Bikini Top anymore.]

[Death: I knew you'd cave in boy. Now, I know you're going to fold...]

 

Just then, the Riffing Theater Producers appeared out of nowhere.

 

[Producer #1: Jjs, we need you back to riffing. It's the season finale.]

[Jjs: The season finale you say? Tempting...but I'm fine here.]

[Producer #2: You signed a contract that requires you must do season finales.]

[Jjs: Ugh fine, sorry Death. Let's get this over with.]

[Death: Not so fast, you two need to give me your souls, and I'll give Jjs his soul back.]

[Producer #1: Give Jjs his soul back first.]

[Death: Don't trust ol' Death? I can't blame ya, here you guys go. Now then...your souls.]

[Producer #2: Yeah...about that, we're television producers, so we don't have souls. See ya. *both teleport away with Jjs*]

[Death: JJJJJSSSSS!!!!!!!!]

 

Here's the season finale, ugaiz.

 

[Hayden: Oh boy, I bet this will wrap up a lot of loose ends, ugaiz.]

[Metal Snake: This is my final riff for Bikini Top, uduodzez. And for this last one, I’ve decided to bring in my first special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only...Naomi! ...From Metal Gear Solid! ...She’ll be called MGS Naomi to avoid being confused with Bikini Top’s Naomi.]

[MGS Naomi: Let’s get this over with, I have to be ready to talk with another certain snake in half an hour.]

[JCM: This is also my last riff, and I'll celebrate it by bringing it my own special guest: myself!]

[Jjs: Welp, I'm alive again and back to riffing. Alright spin-off, this is the season finale. You better make up for possibly the worst episode ever last time.]

 

S2E23 (43) - Speeding Cars: Previously on Bikini Top... It was Charlea's birthday party, and everyone was invited. Well, everyone but Brenda, Tristan, and Hersht.

 

[Metal Snake: They weren’t cool enough to come. Couple of smooth posers.]

[Hayden: How about that, every character ever besides those three. So Kara, Rainn, Liam, Arianna, Jordin, and Dora were all invited to the baby's birthday party? Actually I wouldn't put that stroke of genius past Jake....]

[Jjs: Well what do you know, Charlea isn't dead after all. Whew.]

 

Brenda and Tristan were celebrating their birthday party when Tristan put a silver necklace around his wife's neck. She started screaming in pain, which Hersht heard. He ran over immediately. Him and Tristan

 

[JCM: He and Tristan]

 

had a bit of a fight that resulted in Tristan dying, hanging from the wall by a stake.

 

[Hayden: Yeah, it was just a bit of a fight.]

 

Also, Anna and Molly are still broken up, and Molly isn't taking it well. Anna is diving into all the work she can to get over Molly, and starts to notice her mother Helen is having difficulty remembering things.

 

[Trophy: It's probably from the Molly mind wipe, I BET ALL MY MONEY!]

[MGS Naomi: Doesn’t sound so bad to me. Try having difficulty remembering who your parents were or where you came from.]

[Jjs: Well, I'm glad I missed all of that.]

[JCM: And I'm sorry I didn't.]

[Hayden: Good thing Helen has these elegant recaps to go off of.]

 

Naomi introduces her new friend Miranda to the group at the party.

 

[MGS Naomi: Well, I bought all my identification, so I guess I can’t complain about a character I don’t like sharing the same name I chose…]

[Hayden: Well I can complain, Naomi making a new friend? My suspension of disbelief can only go so far 70s.]

 

Seth gets a call from a man he thinks may be his father, and Morgan gets someone on her doorstep claiming to be her birth father. Jackie and Molly do some convincing to Principal Fishkins...

 

[MGS Naomi: ...That is...an alias, correct? No one could actually have a last name as ridiculous as that...right? Then again, Fishkins is just as ridiculous as a fake name…]

[Jjs: What happened to Principal Fish? You can't replace such an amazing name.]

[Hayden: Maybe this guy is Principal Fish's next of kin. BA DUM TSSS.]

 

and Jackie will be graduating with all her friends, and attending Bikini Top University in the fall. Jake and Morgan are still broken up.

 

[Metal Snake: Thanks for reminding us. The past few recaps just didn’t drive the point in enough.]

[JCM: In other news, Michael Jackson is still dead! More at eleven.]

 

Mikayla screams when she comes home to see Hersht burning her step-father in the backyard and her mother crying as she scrubs blood off the floor.

 

[MGS Naomi: Good lord, even Solid Snake didn’t actually kill my guardian…]

[Hayden: Haha traumatization, though still nowhere close to what us riffers endure.]

 

Charlea is sick and everyone expresses concern, but Jake pays it no attention. What happens in this episode of Bikini Top? Graduation, of course!

 

[Metal Snake: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8u7px_GzWQ ]

[Jjs: "My baby is sick...eh, who gives a shit, time for graduation!"]

[Hayden: A baby's birthday party and 10 chapters of no school really set this graduation episode up perfectly.]

[JCM: It's going from a crappy high school drama to a crappy college drama. Hooray.]

 

("Everybody But Me" by Lykke Li [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

Anna was lying in her bed the morning of graduation when she heard someone tumbling down the stairs. She immediately sprang up to find her mother on the ground.

 

[Metal Snake: Now that’s what I call a wake-up call.]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIXOOwthtaE ]

 

She ran down the stairs and helped her up.

 

"Mom, are you okay?" she asked.

 

[JCM: Yeah, people tend to be fine after falling down a flight of stairs.]

 

"Oh, of course I am!" Helen said. "Get off me!"

 

[Metal Snake: “Oh, of course you care about me! Fuck off!”]

[Jjs: What a way to treat your daughter.]

[Hayden: I'll say it again, 70s has loads of parental issues he's loading off in this.]

 

Helen limped as she walked away, to the kitchen.

 

[Trophy: My reaction when this starved my creativity to death.]

[Mermaid Man: To the kitchen....AWAY!]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lzqRVuRqN0 

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cWcE8ixp84 ]

 

("I'm Not Calling You a Liar" by Florence + the Machine [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

Jackie was awake, holding Charlea as she coughed loudly.

 

[JCM: Why is that girl holding a coughing tombstone?]

 

Sarah asked, "Dear, I think something might be wrong."

 

[MGS Naomi: You don’t say.]

 

"No, nothing is wrong!" Jackie shouted. Sarah and Tori had both been telling their children for a week that Charlea was sick, but neither would hear it.

 

[Trophy: Coughing constantly for a week doesn't make you sick. THANK YOU DOCTORS JAKE AND JACKIE!]

[MGS Naomi: While I specialize more in human genetics than in medical knowledge, I’m pretty certain that one can not hear a sickness.]

[Jjs: Maybe Charlea is SICK of being in this spin-off. *drum snare*]

[JCM: Reading it is certainly making me physically ill.]

[Hayden: This has been going on for a week? Way to make your characters look sympathetic/rational.]

 

"Jackie, I really think she needs to go to the hospital."

 

[Metal Snake: Not just her.]

 

"I don't give a damn what you think, Mom!" Jackie screamed. "JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"

 

[Trophy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w3Pn9k3EeN4 ]

[Metal Snake: I’d laugh so hard if 70s played that Michael Jackson song here.]

[Jjs: So much for Jackie making things up with her mother again. Wumbo was right...this entire spin-off is a tampon commercial.]

[Hayden: A proper parent would have punched Jackie in the face at least 5 days ago and taken Charlea to the hospital.]

 

"You don't mean that," said Sarah. "Honey, you might think you do right now. But you don't. Now, trust me. I've had a baby before, remember?

 

[JCM: I'm trying really hard to forget.]

 

This is more than just a little cough, and you know that. Left untreated, Charlea could die from whatever this is."

 

At the thought Jackie started to softly cry.

 

[Metal Snake: Softly cry? And I thought tears were made of a hard substance.]

[Jjs: Oh, so NOW you care for your child when she's on the verge of possible death. A+ parenting skillz, Jackie. But let's be real now, I doubt 70s will kill Charlea off...right?]

 

"Don't cry," said Sarah, doing her best to console her daughter. "Crying isn't what you need to do. What you need to do is get in the boatmobile with me,

 

[Metal Snake: I’ve got candy and can make all your dreams come true.]

 

and we will take Charlea to the hospital so we can get help from a doctor with this."

 

[JCM: Why else would you take her to the hospital? For the scenery?]

[Jjs: Jesus, show don't tell. Even The Last Airbender had less exposition than this.]

[Hayden: This exposition was necessary to establish Charlea is sick...again. And that these time skips are endangering everyone's health.]

 

Jackie only nodded her head as she fought to keep back tears.

 

~~~

 

("Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

Bryan was sitting in his room, looking at himself in the mirror. Today was graduation, and he was painfully depressed about it.

 

[Metal Snake: I’ve gotten used to this spin-off making me painfully depressed.]

[Jjs: Same here, especially since it got to the point where I died.]

[JCM: Pain and Depression: The Bikini Top Story!]

[Hayden: Bryan has returned to his s1 self. Hooray for callbacks and nostalgia of a much superior time.]

 

His parents should be alive to witness him graduate. But both of them were dead. Killed. Killed because of vampire politics, at that.

 

[Trophy: Oh right, Hersht used to be a killer...even though he just killed someone last episode.]

[MGS Naomi: My parents were killed because of real politics, but I turned out alright.]

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Bryan's parents died. I care as much as he does.]

[Hayden: Who was Astenias running against for office? I have a feeling he didn't answer any of his voter's questions.]

 

And that made him extremely sad. But more than sad, it made him angry. Angry and determined to kill vampires.

 

[Hayden: I thought the only reason for that was because Glinda forced you to get your act together and embrace a position any kid off the sideblock could have handled, but now I guess it's because you're brooding over parents you were shown to not give a damn about. How Batman of you.]

[Metal Snake: Painfully depressed and extremely sad. Angry and angry. Redundant and redundant.]

[Redundancy Department: Stop calling the lines to call us. We're taking a vacation, as a break from this.]

 

Jake knocked on his door.

 

"Hey," Bryan said.

 

[Metal Snake: Wait, where’s the part where Bryan opened the door and let Jake in? Is he greeting the door?]

 

"I just wanted to let you know they're taking Charlea to the hospital," said Jake.

 

[JCM: "I should be there with them, but I'm too busy being a terrible father."]

 

"Oh," said Bryan. "Well that's good, then."

 

"No, it's not fucking good," said Jake. "What the hell is that supposed to mean? That it's GOOD?"

 

[Metal Snake: ...I can not even riff this. This is the prime example of a line that riffs itself to me.]

[Jjs: Is Jake getting PMS too? I guess this is proof there is a such thing as male periods.]

[Hayden: "YOU THINK IT'S GOOD MY DAUGHTER IS GETTING MEDICAL ATTENTION AFTER I LOCKED HER IN A CLOSET FOR A WEEK? ASSHOLE, SOME FRIEND YOU ARE."]

 

"That I think it's good your daughter is getting some help, that's all," Bryan said. "You know she's sick, Jake. You've heard her cough, and she seems like she's having trouble breathing. You yelling at me for saying it's not good is bad.

 

[Metal Snake: You being not nice to me is mean.]

[JCM: You talking like a robot is making me bored.]

[Hayden: But he didn't yell at you for saying it's not good, he yelled because you said it was good, therefore Jake's yelling was good?]

 

I know you don't want her to be sick, but you just have to deal with the possibility that she is."

 

"But what if it's just a cold?" Jake said slowly.

 

[MGS Naomi: I’m pretty sure if that were the case, she would be sneezing too. I know from experience…]

[Hayden: "I'm just trying to be a good parent by saving on boatmobile gas, the hospital is so far away after all."]

 

"I... I think if it was just a cold it would have gone away by now," said Bryan. "You know that, Jake. I know you do."

 

[JCM: If there's anything I know from this summer of riffing, it's that you should never rely on Jake to know something.]

 

A tear ran down Jake's face, but he quickly wiped it away.

 

[Jjs: When did you, Jake, care about Charlea all of a sudden anyways? Especially from the same guy who temporarily got back together again with Morgan...only for them to break up again.]

[Hayden: Oh hey, some form of liquid went out of Jake's eyes instead of directly out of his mouth for once.]

 

"I saw that," Bryan said. "Don't cry."

 

[Metal Snake: Uh...who are you? The emotion police?]

[Jjs: I'm crying too...for different reasons.]

[Hayden: "Be an uncaring bastard like me who never sheds a tear, then maybe one day you can be my sidekick in vamp slaying."]

 

"I'm not crying."

 

"Jake, I saw."

 

[Metal Snake: And I’m gonna have to arrest ya…]

[Hayden: He'll be spending a night in the slammer, and if he cries there it's straight to execution!]

 

"Fine..." Jake said. "I just... don't like people seeing me like that."

 

[JCM: He's a man! Men don't cry! They flex their muscles and eat meat! Men!]

 

"No one does," Bryan said. "But it's okay."

 

[Metal Snake: “Don’t do that. But it’s okay.”

 

???]

[MGS Naomi: I consider myself a woman of reason, yet I can’t seem to follow this show’s logic…]

 

"It's not okay," Jake said. "It's the day of graduation and I'm getting all emotional and depressed about stupid fucking shit."

 

[Metal Snake: I’m pretty sure your daughter being in the hospital is not just “stupid fucking shit”.]

[Hayden: "Damnit, why does Charlea have to ruin the most important day of my life, hasn't she ruined enough for me already?"]

[Jjs: "Where's that FUCKING fourth Chaos Emerald?" Hopefully Jake actually finds it this time, unlike Asstenias.]

[JCM: *singing* Shut your fucking face, Uncle Fucka...]

 

"Don't say that," Bryan said. "I was getting emotional a second before you came in, thinking about my mom and dad... them not being able to watch me graduate." He started to cry. "And you see, I'm crying now, and..." he sniffled "... I'm not afraid to do that."

 

Jake frowned. "I'm sorry. I -- I didn't realize."

 

"Of course you didn't," said Bryan. "You were too busy thinking about yourself."

 

[Metal Snake: Wait...wuh…]

[Hayden: So after berating Jake for crying for 10 minutes, Bryan breaks down himself and plays the guilt card against Jake for thinking about his ill daughter instead of the dead parents that Bryan went out of his way to brush aside at every turn. THIS. ISN'T. COHESIVE. AT. ALL.]

 

"Hey!" Jake said. "I was not! My daughter is sick!"

 

[JCM: Oh, now your daughter's sick.]

 

"Get out," Bryan said. "I just need to be alone right now. I don't want to fight with you."

 

[Metal Snake: ...Okay, this scene really shows one of the biggest problems with this show, the poorly done emotional dialogue. Very rarely is it ever done in a manner that’s believable or realistic. I can not bring myself to believe that a true friend would comfort his friend in his time of need, then spite him out of nowhere, then comfort him, then spite him again without provocation. Being needlessly mean-spirited during an emotional scene is bad enough, but being needlessly mean-spirited while pretending to be warm and comforting during an emotional scene just kills any enjoyment or feeling.]

[JCM: Every character in this show is bipolar.]

 

Jake left, went back to his room, and unsuccessfully fought back tears.

 

[Jjs: Wait, we were supposed to take this scene seriously?]

[Hayden: What a bunch of pansies. All my children and all my parents died when I was 1 month old and I turned out great.]

[Trophy: *wakes up* Oh okay, now that that's over...]

 

~~~

 

Veera shook Naomi awake. Naomi groaned.

 

[MGS Naomi: Is this show trying to speak for me now?]

 

"Nay, it's graduation day!"

 

[Metal Snake: Pfft...okay, I will never be able to take this “Nay” abbreviation seriously. Past!70s did realize at one point that “Nay” means “No”, right? So Veera is basically having an argument with herself or one of her imaginary friends about what’s going on today.]

[Hayden: "Hay, wake up sleepy head." Huh? You talking to me?]

 

Veera said cheerfully. "It's here! Today's the day!"

 

[JCM: The day you gtfo of my house!]

 

"Yeah, it is," Naomi said. "Can I go back to sleep?"

 

[Trophy: Can I do that too? *gets zapped by producers*]

[MGS Naomi: Again, I guess I can’t criticize since I went down for a short nap once on an important mission.]

[Hayden: Yes, go back to sleep and stay out of the rest of this chapter please.]

 

"No, silly," Veera said. "We have to get ready. You have to go get a manicure, a pedicure, we have to go get you a dress --"

 

[MGS Naomi: Or you could just take a fashion tip from me and just get her some lipstick and a black sweater.]

[Hayden: Fish need manicures and pedicures?]

 

"-- a dress?" Naomi asked. "Mom, this isn't prom, it's graduation."

 

[JCM: And everybody knows that you should go to graduation wearing nothing but a tank top and booty shorts.]

 

"I've always hated that that school didn't have prom," Veera grumbled. "And I... just wanted to buy you something nice. We have some money coming in now."

 

[Jjs: What high school doesn't have a prom? The school must be poor as shit then. But this is Bikini Top.]

[Hayden: Guess he forgot to write a prom chapter. Oh wait, that was entirely possible last time instead of a baby's birthday party and would have made much more narrative sense considering all the dressing up....]

 

"Wait, what?" Naomi asked, looking suspiciously at her mother. "Where are we getting money from? Did you get promoted or something?"

 

[Metal Snake: I’m sure her boss was pretty impressed with her ability to nap on a couch. Not everyone gets relaxed so easily.]

[Hayden: She sold all your remaining crack on Ebay.]

 

"No. I'm seeing someone... a movie producer."

 

[JCM: Why work for money when you could date a rich guy? Such a good role model, that Veera.]

[Jjs: Oh yeah...whatever happened to Naomi's father? I get the feeling it was explained, but I don't want to reread back in the boring Season 1 backstories exposition parade.]

[Hayden: Let's just assume her father was an asshole considering all of 70s daddy issues.]

 

Naomi slitted her eyes.

 

[MGS Naomi: You mean-]

[Metal Snake: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Lol, fun fact. Even My Immortal, one of the worst fanfics of all time and notorious for its terrible spelling and grammar, got the past tense for the verb “slit” right. It’s just “slit”, not “slitted”. Also, “slit” means “cut”. So this revelation was so horrifying that Naomi never wanted to see again. Lovely.]

[MGS Naomi: ...Hmph.]

[Hayden: Naomi slitting her eyes is the canon version of how this scene plays out even if it was a vocabulary error.]

[JCM: Pass the knife to me when you're done with it, Naomi.]

 

"And are you seeing this someone because you love them, or because they're a rich movie producer that can provide for you and thise totally insane spending habits that you have?"

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: those]

[Hayden: 10818.png ]

 

"The first one, I swear."

 

"What if I said I didn't believe you?"

 

[Veera: Then I'll disown you for being so insufferable.]

 

"You should believe me, because I'm telling the truth," said Veera.

 

[JCM: Sounds legit.]

[Metal Snake: “Oh, I didn’t know that! It must be true then! UH HUH HUH HUH!”]

 

"Really Naomi, I'm telling you the truth. I love this man. He is amazing, and he treats me right."

 

Naomi sat up in her bed. "You'd better not be lying to me, Mom. I can't handle that."

 

[Trophy: Yet you could handle the supernatural stuff, YOU'RE LYING! INCONSISTENCY POLICE!]

[inconsistency Police: Sorry we can't help, it's you're idea bro.]

[Trophy: Now I know why I killed your old officer...]

[inconsistency Police: What was that?]

[Trophy: NOTHING!]

[MGS Naomi: To Solid Snake’s credit, he handled more serious lies very well.]

 

"Let's stop talking about this," said Veera. "Just get ready and let's go out. I want you to look beautiful today... not that you don't look beautiful every day!"

 

[Metal Snake: COME ON BARBIE LET’S GO PARTY

 

Seriously, this is getting somewhat creepy…]

[Jjs: When even Naomi's mother says she is ugly, you know it's true.]

[JCM: It has to be true, if her personality is any indication of her looks.]

[Hayden: No cap, gown, or dress is going to save that crusty fish face.]

 

~~~

 

("Separator" by Radiohead [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

Morgan was sitting in her living room when Heather

 

[JCM: No.]

 

came downstairs.

 

"Have you talked to Richard again?" Heather asked.

 

"No," Morgan said. "I don't want to."

 

Morgan hadn't talked to him at all since he came by last week. He was her birth father, and he wanted to be a part of her life, but she wasn't ready for that. Not by a long shot. She had too many other things going on right now.

 

[Morgan: Yeah, I still need to make that cornbread.]

[Jjs: Oh right, Morgan was adopted (bet you forgot that too). I guess we'll never know where Drake went.]

[Trophy: Same goes for Mark.]

[Hayden: Yay, more telling instead of showing, we didn't see the Richard/Morgan conversation but we're still supposed to deem it as important or care that Morgan doesn't want to talk to him again.]

 

"I think you should talk to him again," Heather told her. "I know you don't want to, but I think you should. It would be good for you to do. He's your father."

 

"No," Morgan said. "He's not. Mark is my father. You and him

 

[JCM: You and he, dangit.]

 

raised me, not him. He had me for three years, and in those three years he royally fucked up."

 

[Metal Snake: He fucked like a king, baby.]

[Hayden: He can't be a worse father than Jake, can he?]

 

"Hey..."

 

"It's true. He fucked up," said Morgan. "Maybe he's different now, but he made my life a living hell when I was little. I know I can hardly remember, but I still have the scars.

 

[Metal Snake: THESE WOUNDS, THEY WIIIIILLLLL NOT HEEEEEAAAAALLLLL]

[Hayden: Oh yes sure Morgan, I'm sure your baby years were so traumatic thanks to him, did he abuse you just like Jake and Liam? She's on the path to full feminism, a few years from now she'll file a lawsuit for rape against a guy who bumps against her shoulder in a crowded mall.]

 

The physical ones, and the mental ones.

 

[MGS Naomi: I only have mental ones...now I feel kind of bad for assuming this scene would be lacking in any real emotion.]

[Hayden: How about some flashbacks? OH WAIT, YOU DON'T REMEMBER THESE ALLEGED SCARS.]

 

Why do you think I got so upset about Liam, about Jake?

 

[JCM: You got upset about Liam because he raped you and Jake because he grabbed you and told you to stfu, the latter being something I'd love to do right now.]

[Metal Snake: Liam is the only character I can remember and forget at the same time.]

[Jjs: Okay, I'm tired of Liam just being mention porn now. Either do something with him or don't. I guess he'll never pay the gang money.]

[Hayden: Gee, I know I'd be fine with being raped and abused as long as my birth father didn't royally fuck me up as a baby. That's the correlation, you've completely figured it out Morgan.]

 

Because of him. I can't accept him being a part of my life. Not now, and maybe not ever."

 

[Hayden: May I suggest every character takes a Logic 101 course at Bikini Top University?]

 

~~~

 

Tori was in her bedroom staring at herself in the mirror. This year had been hell on her. Her husband, dead. And she had issues with having an empty nest.

 

[Metal Snake: At least you’ll have more space.]

[Jjs: Oh hey, she remembered Larry died.]

[JCM: That makes one person.]

[Trophy: Ever consider a retirement home?]

 

She hated to admit it, but she did. The thought of being in her large home alone next year gave her an empty feeling in her stomach and she hated it. She didn't know what she would do with herself once Jake and Bryan left... it pained her greatly to even think about it. She cried loudly, hoping the boys wouldn't hear her. She cried for a while, then eventually stopped, grabbing a tissue and dabbing away each and every tear daintily.

 

[Metal Snake: My face won’t be completely dry unless all of the water gets absorbed into the tissue entirely.]

[Jjs: So is this episode just going to be crying the whole time? Looks like the characters finally broke down and understood our pain.]

[Hayden: If she was really sharing our sentiments the reason for her breakdown wouldn't be because Bryan and Jake are leaving, that'd be cause for celebration....I'm finally realizing just how sad Tori truly is.]

 

She got up and decided she needed to get ready. Today was the day they would graduate... the day they'd leave her. She walked to the master bedroom that was inside of her bedroom.

 

[Metal Snake: A master bedroom...in a bedroom? Forget “Bedroomception”, that’s just...nonsense.]

[JCM: Yo dawg I heard you like bedrooms so I put a bedroom in your bedroom so you can sleep while you sleep.]

[Hayden: I guess there is no concept of summer, well considering time skips probably not, but somehow I don't think college starts the day right after graduation.]

 

It was silent in there... she hated it. She turned on some music ("Miles Away" by Madonna [ 

] to be exact)

 

[MGS Naomi: To be exact? I do not believe any tests or statistics are required to find out the name of a music artist.]

[Hayden: Hey, the song isn't coming from out of nowhere, we've made slight progress.]

 

with the press of a remote and turned on the bathwater. While the tub filled she decided she would brush her teeth. She walked over to the bathroom counter and grabbed her toothbrush, soaking it in water, spreading toothpaste across it, then applying it in circular motions on her teeth. She brushed her teeth for about a minute, then rinsed off the toothbrush.

 

[JCM: Thanks for the details. I wouldn't have known how to brush my teeth without them.]

[Metal Snake: What in the world is she doing? Doesn’t she know that she has to sing the Toothbrush Song before she brushes her teeth?

 

“I am not, going to let my teeth rot!

Dab toothpaste on, a toothbrush with bristles not too strong!

Brushing too hard is simply wrong! Brush in a pace that is just fine!

Don’t you know the perfect shine is just divine? I’m going to...brush my teeth!”

 

See, I can write filler too. It’s not quantum mechanics.]

 

After she was finished brushing her teeth, she eyed the sleeping pills on the counter curiously.

 

[MGS Naomi: Sleeping pills. Capsules filled with substances intended to induce sleep. In other words, nothing of importance. Just like this scene.]

[Jjs: I have to admit, I thought she was going to put a toaster in the bath with the way 70s built that up.]

[Hayden: I don't think 70s knows how to "go there". If he did, he'd no doubt mess up the logistics of how it happened for an unintentional laugh that would pull us all out of the grim (but highly satisfying) moment.]

[JCM: Does her life really revolve around her children so much that she'd kill herself at the thought of them leaving her? Someone needs to take up a hobby.]

 

~~~

 

Seth ran to Bryan's bedroom.

 

[Metal Snake: Yeah, Seth’s here now out of the blue because why not?]

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Seth lives with Bryan.]

[Hayden: Who doesn't live with Bryan?]

 

"I heard yelling," he said. "Why did I hear yelling?"

 

[Trophy: I killed your mama boy.]

 

"Me and Jake

 

[JCM: Jake and I! Jake and I! This is the first thing you learn in English class, people!]

 

were fighting," said Bryan.

 

[Mrs. Puff: *gasp* Fighting?! I’m sorry Bryan, but I will have to send you and your friend...TO DETENTION.]

 

"What about?" Seth asked.

 

[Hayden: Over which one has the better sob story.]

 

"Well... maybe fighting is the wrong word to use," Bryan said. "Jake is worried about Charlea. Jackie and Sarah just took her to the hospital."

 

[JCM: So how is fighting the wrong word? All you did was describe what the fight was about.]

 

"Oh, I see," said Seth. "So... you ready to graduate?"

 

[Trophy: Wow, from taking a baby to a hospital to graduation within a second.]

[Metal Snake: You know, I just remembered something...how is Bryan ready to graduate? I thought he missed a ton of school from all his training as “The Chosen”. Maybe Molly CUMPULLED the principal to do something for him too. Oh god, I’ll never get over that…]

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! Who knows, maybe they all got Molly to "compel" the principal.]

 

"I think so..." said Bryan.

 

[JCM: Bryan has no shortage of confidence.]

 

"Right," said Seth. "Let's get our graduation on."

 

[Metal Snake: GET YOUR GAME ON]

[Hayden: Going out in style. Oh wait, they just lost all their cred from that line alone.]

 

~~~

 

Mikayla was in her room, staring at the ceiling above her. Her mother was a vampire. Vampires existed. Her mother cheated on her father-in-law, who was dead now, killed by her mother's vampire lover.

 

[Metal Snake: I smell a sitcom.]

[MGS Naomi: I have no clue what I smell…]

[Hayden: So they filled her in on this? Now would be a much more worthwhile time to compel her to forget about Tristan.]

 

It was insanity. Absolute insanity. She just decided to let it all out, and started to scream.

 

[JCM: Don't scream too loudly, or you'll attract Seth.]

[Metal Snake: HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME]

[Jjs: Jeez, I knew this spin-off was bad, but even when the characters themselves are driven insane by the plot lines, you know there's something wrong.]

[Hayden: MY EAR DRUMS! THEY BURN!]

 

~~~

 

"How is it, Dr. Gosselin?" Sarah asked the doctor.

 

[Metal Snake: Austin Layers just keeps getting more and more competition…]

 

"It's... not good," said the doctor. "Charlea has pneumonia, and I think the case may be severe. But to confirm that I'll have to run an x-ray. Do I have your consent?"

 

[MGS Naomi: Not like I have any say in this. I’m just a woman who spent her life studying genetics.]

[Jjs: "I think pneumonia may be severe"? Did this doctor graduate at all?]

[JCM: Considering how easy it is to graduate in this city, I wouldn't be surprised if he did.]

 

"Of course," said Jackie, seeming like she wasn't really there, and was somewhere else entirely…

 

[Metal Snake: It’s like, I don’t care about nothing man…]

[JCM: Yeah, my baby's dying. IDGAF.]

 

lost in thought, as tears welled in her eyes.

 

"Excellent," said the doctor, and Sarah picked Charlea up, ready to take her to the x-ray.

 

[Hayden: "Excellent" Maybe his consent comment was for something else? That'd be a better way to take this than the hospital soap drama route.]

 

"Jackie," she said, "maybe you should call Jake and tell him to come?"

 

Jackie only nodded as she fought back the tears, a battle she was so far winning.

 

[Metal Snake: War on Tears. A novel by Jackie.]

[JCM: Spoiler: The tears die at the end.]

[Hayden: Hold those fuckers in, after all, crying underwater would be very noticeable.]

 

She pulled her cell phone out of her pocket and called Jake.

 

[Jjs: Dun dun dun?]

 

~~~

 

Bryan was driving to gradutation with Jake, Seth, and Tori in the boatmobile with him. Seth and Bryan are talking when Seth's phone rings.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: graduation]

[Hayden: It's a combination of graduation and orientation so that college can start right away.]

 

He answers, "Hello?"

 

"Hello," said the voice on the other line. "It's Dad."

 

[JCM: Oh, that's still a thing.]

[Metal Snake: Deja vu.]

 

"Dad?" Seth asked.

 

"Yes," said Seth's father. "I wanted to let you know I'm in town... and I'm coming to your graduation. I know we haven't seen each other in a while but I really want to see yo.

 

[Trophy: How does he know it's Seth's graduation day? Stalker much?]

[Metal Snake: I would like to see a casual greeting expression as well.]

[JCM: I want to see yo to.]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: you]

 

I'm going to be there, I'm on my way now."

 

His father then hung up and Seth's jaw dropped. "I... hope you guys are ready to meet my dad."

 

[MGS Naomi: I… hope you are going to seek immediate medical attention.]

[Jjs: How I Met Seth's Dad. Coming this Fall to CBS.]

[Hayden: I live for meeting Seth's father man. I'M NOT READY. I'M NOT READY.]

 

~~~

 

Brenda was sitting at the kitchen table sobbing. She was sitting there fine... and then she just started to cry. Hersht came to her to comfort her; he had been staying there since Tristan died.

 

[Metal Snake: “Aw shit, I just killed your husband! Oh well, can I crash here for a few days?”]

[JCM: She can't let something as mundane as the death of her life partner keep her from having sex with Hersht every night.]

[Hayden: I hope they have a master bedroom, otherwise he should be staying at Tori's.]

 

"It's okay," he told her, trying his best to comfort her. He hated to see her cry like she was, especially knowing he was to blame.

 

[Metal Snake: “Since he tried to kill me first, it’ll be okay.”]

[Jjs: So...Brenda sees nothing wrong with this?]

 

"Get the fuck away from me!" Brenda lashed out at him. "This is all your fault! You're a killer! Get out of my house!"

 

[Trophy: He did this before you know, to a police chief.]

[MGS Naomi: Wow, this woman would get along with Solid Snake really well.]

[Jjs: Brenda gave Tommy Wiseau a run for his money.]

 

Without so much as another word, Hersht followed her wishes and left.

 

[JCM: That-Was-Easy-Button.png ]

 

Brenda cried more.

 

[Metal Snake: Y’know, if she was this upset about the whole thing, why didn’t she kick him out of the house the night Hersht killed him? Oh well, none of the emotion placement in this spin-off makes sense anyways.]

[Hayden: Oh right, this happened a week ago, and this conversation is only happening right now and what has Mikayla been up to besides her big scream moment for broadway.....NONSENSE POLICE PLEASE.]

[Jjs: Wow, I guess this episode really is that bad. Let's just rename this to "Tears Everywhere ft something with vampires".]

 

~~~

 

Kara and Rainn were at their house when there was a knock on their door.

 

[Jjs: Whoa! They still exist? So much for Kara leading the vampire army and being the next villain.]

[JCM: So much for Kara trying to avenge her parents' death by killing Molly or something.]

[Hayden: I'm surprised she lets Rainn live there considering her obnoxious behavior, shouldn't he be out in a little doggy house in the backyard or something?]

 

"Rainn, open it up," said Kara. Rainn stood there clueless and Kara yelled, "RAINN!"

 

Rainn jumped and opened the door.

 

[Metal Snake: Why did Rainn wait to be shouted at to open the door? Could his brain not find the server at “Rainnopen it up.com”?]

[Hayden: Oh, I see nothing has changed and Kara needs a door opener, and a can opener, and other things a Morrigan should be able to take care of on their own.]

 

Arianna was standing there.

 

"Hi," Arianna said. "So... I know you guys are pretty powerful. And I, well, I'd like to help you out, if that's okay."

 

[Metal Snake: “I’d like to be your henchman for all eternity...uh, if that’s okay with you…”]

[Hayden: Well now that she's been revived she needs some sort of purpose in this spinoff.....but if she was just going to join Kara, then randomly running away several chapters ago was pointless. Also, if they're pretty powerful why do they need you bitch? Exactly.]

[Jjs: Only if Arianna is male, 18, and not a virgin.]

[JCM: And can turn into a tree.]

 

~~~

 

Anna was finishing getting dressed for graduation when she checked the time, realizing they were about to be late. She ran to her mother's room to find her laying on the bed, a massive pile of clothes all around her room.

 

[Metal Snake: Her mother turned into a massive pile of clothes?]

 

"Mom, are you okay?" she asked.

 

[Trophy: I'm not, WHY DON'T YOU CARE FOR ME ANNA? WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!??!]

 

"We have to go. I'm the valedictorian... I need to be a little early."

 

[JCM: So she can gloat about being valedictorian to even more people.]

[Hayden: No....just no, Anna isn't the fucking valedictorian after going to prison and being in New York City for 3 months. Get real.]

 

"Right..." said Helen. "Sorry. Sorry."

 

[Metal Snake: Helen caught Dora’s contagious love for identical words, words.]

[MGS Naomi: Actually, that is not scientifically possible. Love is an emotion, not a biological pathogen.]

 

Anna blinked. "Mom, are you okay?"

 

"Of course I am," said Helen. "Why wouldn't I be okay, Annie?"

 

[Jjs: She's just tired of the spin-off by this point, like everyone.]

[Hayden: Instead of being repetitive Anna, at least ask your mother to get help for her memory problems or go run over to Molly's and beg her to fix it.]

[JCM: Annie, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?]

 

~~~

 

Miranda was finally ready for graduation, and her mother and father were as well. They all got in the boatmobile as her father Jospeh drove to the high school.

 

[Metal Snake: Jospeh sounds like a cool dude, unlike Jacbo.]

[Jjs: Wait, so Miranda went to the same school as those guys? Cool, except...PLOT HOLE POLICE! Did nobody care she got shot and was in the hospital...oh forget it, just forget it. Don't want to ask intelligent things now when we're almost done.]

[Hayden: I really care about a character we never saw in the school on her way to graduation.]

 

"So... full moon tonight," her mother Sophie said.

 

[JCM: So...obvious attempt at foreshadowing tonight.]

 

"That's not what's important to me right now," sid Miranda. "I'm graduating -- that's what matters."

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: said]

[Hayden: The full moon is your casual everyday car chat, nothing to see here.]

[Trophy: Wasn't it a full moon a couple of days ago?]

 

"Whatever you say, babe..." said Sophie.

 

[Metal Snake: Why do I imagine her saying “babe” like Beavis and Butt-head would?]

[Jjs: Welp, nothing suspicious about this scene!]

 

~~~

 

("Everybody Hurts" by Avril Lavigne [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[JCM: *This episode hurts everybody]

[Jjs: Hey, 70s found a song to match his characters.]

[Hayden: *cries in a medium fashion instead of loudly or softly*]

 

In the boatmobile, Jake's phone rang and he picked it up.

 

"Jake..." said Jackie on the other line, weeping.

 

[Hayden: Thanks, wouldn't want to forget she's a blubbering mess, then the viewers might forget she cares about whether Charlea is close to death or not.]

 

"Jackie?" Jake said. "Are you okay?"

 

"That's Jackie?" Bryan asked immediately. "What's she want?"

 

[JCM: Besides your dick?]

[MGS Naomi: Well, it’s…]

[Metal Snake: Well Bryan, “she want” is what we call a phrase of nonstandard English, in other words, something not pertaining to the rules of the English language.]

[MGS Naomi: Hey, that was my cue!]

 

Jake held up his fin to silence Bryan.

 

[bryan: *bites Jake's fin off*]

 

"No," said Jackie. "I... don't think I am okay, Jake. They think Charlea has pneumonia... and they think it's bad. They're doing an x-ray to find out how bad, and I want you here. You'll probably have to miss graduation. Actually, you definitely will -- if that's okay."

 

[Trophy: Great job Charlea, just great, you cost your parents their graduation. WHY YOU LITTLE! *starts strangling Charlea until her head blows up*]

 

"Of course it's okay!" said Jake. "It's my daughter! I'm on my way!" He hung up the phone. "Bryan, turn around! Now! We have to get to the hospital."

 

[JCM: Yeah! Another opportunity to not go to school!]

[Metal Snake: Woah, Jake is being SELFLESS?! It’s a Christmas in August miracle!]

[Jjs: I just realized we pretty much had the exact same plot last season finale with characters going to a hospital. But I guess re-using plots is easier than just making new ones.]

 

"What?" Tori asked. "Is Charlea okay?"

 

[Jjs: Wait, what happened to the sleeping pills? Did she decide to save the suicide for the cliffhanger?]

[Hayden: .....I don't recall her being in the car with them.]

 

"I don't know," Jake said. "Let's go!"

 

"Take the boatmobile, you two," said Bryan. "We're close to the school. Me and Seth can walk, right Seth?"

 

[MGS Naomi: It’s “Seth and I”, not “me and Seth”. Thank you Snake. ]

[Metal Snake: You’re...welcome? *rubs neck and grins awkwardly*]

[JCM: And this is why they need to go to school more.]

 

"For sure," Seth said. "I hope Charlea's okay."

 

"Me too..." said Jake.

 

[Hayden: Best Wishes Charlea.]

 

Bryan pulled over and he and Seth got out of the boatmobile. Jake took the wheel and drove to the hospital as fast as he possibly could,

 

[Metal Snake: Just don’t be crashing through the streets and going off road. Don’t want to end up like Temperance.]

 

as Bryan and Seth walked towards the high school for graduation.

 

[Hayden: I hope their poor feet don't get tired. CLIFFHANGER!]

 

With his mother sitting next to him in the front seat, Jake broke down crying.

 

[Jjs: Wow, I think even A Day Without Tears and All That Glitters combined had less crying than this entire episode.]

[JCM: Anybody who complains about SpongeBob crying too much post-movie should read this crap.]

 

~~~

 

Dora was in the woods, hunting with Jordin.

 

"I'm sick of this shit," Dora said.

 

[Metal Snake: *sigh* I’m no longer amused by this “speaking for the riffers”...]

[JCM: Yeah, leave the riffing to us. It's what we (don't) get paid for.]

 

"What?"

 

"I'm sick of being fucking useless," said Dora. "It's so ridiculous. I have no purpose. Why should I even stay here?"

 

[Metal Snake: Ask Past!70s.]

[Jjs: I can't even be amused by this. If 70s is so tired of these vampires, why does he keep using them? MINDFUCK!]

[Hayden: No one's putting a gun to your head and forcing you to Dora. Take Jordin and go battle Kara or something, or get lazily killed off, just stop fucking complaining.]

"Kara has risen to power," said Jordin. "She's a goddess... we need to stop her."

 

[Trophy: If she is this bad and is a goddess, shouldn't she be in control by now?]

[JCM: Why? All she's done so far is kill your mortal enemy and let your vampires friends go free. You shouldn't be stopping her. You should be thanking her. But who needs logic when you can have a pointless conflict?]

[Jjs: I know I said to not think about this spin-off, but I am seriously confused on how this vampire monarchy works. They just let any random supernatural creature become king/queen, even if they aren't a vampire? In fact, could any common Joe just walk in there, kill Kara, and become vampire king? Maybe I should try that...]

 

"Just like we needed to stop Astenias," said Dora. "But remember? Someone else did while we were still HERE, in the woods, on the sidelines. We're good for nothing right now."

 

"Well maybe that's our own fault," Jordin said.

 

[Jjs: Yes. Yes it is.]

[MGS Naomi: Sure it is. Just like how it’s a computer program’s fault that it doesn’t run.]

[Hayden: Oh hey, they finally addressed the elephant in the room after being stuck in a dimension where the BrendaxHersht romance took absolute priority. TIME TO REDEEM YOURSELVES LADIES, THIS CHAPTER AND THE NEXT IS ALL YOU'VE GOT.]

 

"If we want to be a part of things we have to do it ourselves."

 

"Believe me," Dora said, "I will."

 

"What's that supposed to mean?"

 

[JCM: What does any of this mean? I honestly have no idea what either of you are talking about.]

 

"You'll see."

 

[Hayden: I guess we'll see if she ever sees.]

[Metal Snake: Wait...was Past!70s planning to do a “Get the Narrator/Creator!” story for a subplot at one point? Because...that would actually be a far more interesting subplot than the snoozefairs we’ve gotten up to this point.]

[Jjs: So the vampires continue to be useless, and the self-awareness is somehow worse than ATTWL 3. Next scene!]

 

~~~

 

Everyone but Jake and Jackie were there for graduation, standing in their respective spots. Principal Fishkins walked up to the microphone.

 

[Jjs: And there were also lots of crowds doing things like drinking punch, eating food, ect...]

[Hayden: I hope they have free munchkins.]

[JCM: I'm already on the edge of my seat.]

 

"Hello parents and community members," he said. "It's here. It's finally here. Graduation. These children are no longer children.

 

[Trophy: CHIEF EXPOSITION SPONGEBOB PICTURE, WHERE ARE YOU!??!]

[CESP: *is shown stuck in traffic for people trying to find the damn fourth chaos emerald* FML.]

[Metal Snake: “This glass of water is no longer a glass of water.”

 

*chucks water away and pours punch in the glass*

 

“It’s now a glass of juice!”]

[Hayden: I bet you said the same thing about Heather, Tori, etc. but clearly they are still children, all of the adults who graduated from this place are and will remain so.]

 

They're adults, ready to tackle the world and all the challenges it comes with. They can be on their own now, and make their own money, maybe even start their own families."

 

[Jjs: I think Jake, Morgan, and Jackie are already ahead of you.]

[Metal Snake: Wow, how fascinating. Can they also cook, do their own laundry, and maybe even separate the darks from the whites?]

[JCM: ...That's it? You'd think the principal of the school would put more effort into writing a speech that wasn't a monotonous, cliché-filled snoozefest. Then again, if I had students like his, I'd give up, too.]

 

Everyone claps.

 

[Jjs: 3488519-5865387447-tumbl.gif ]

 

"I now welcome this year's valedictorian, Anna Barber, who has prepared something very special for you all."

 

[Hayden: ....I'll try to keep my expectations low.]

 

"They say there's no one older than a high school senior, and no one younger than a college freshman," Anna said with a glowing smile.

 

[JCM: This line was ripped directly from The O.C. You're a valedictorian, Anna. You should know the penalties for plagiarism.]

[MGS Naomi: ...What kind of statistics do the people in this town do?!]

[Hayden: Well, this speech is off to a much more memorable start than my own high school graduation.]

 

"And many of us will be putting that to the test, finding out exactly how true that is very soon."

 

[MGS Naomi: Spoiler alert. It’s complete bullshit.]

[Hayden: With all the time skips, this is still the best junk she managed to type out?]

 

She took a gulp. "I am not one of those people. I'm going to be going to Coralwood and following my dreams.

 

[Hayden: That....was Naomi. Did 70s seriously mix Naomi and Anna up? >_> Does that mean he might have meant to make Naomi the crack addict valedictorian? JFC, this man can't even follow his own characters.]

[Jjs: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Mixing up Anna and Naomi is like mixing up a banana and an apple.]

 

I've dreamed of being a singer since I was a little girl, and while I am smart

 

[MGS Naomi: Also complete bullshit.]

[JCM: You're smart relative to a bunch of idiots who will probably live off their parents' income for the rest of their lives. Not something to be proud of.]

[Trophy: Let me see that fake report card first.]

 

I want those dreams to come true... and they won't be following true in Bikini Top.

 

[Metal Snake: Following...true? You can follow an adjective? Well good luck with ending up next to a noun. Last nerdy word joke, I promise.]

[Hayden: But Anna, you can't go against your clique's wishes to all go to the same college together or you might be shunned by them.]

 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, college isn't for everyone and people should follow their dreams. I know I will. Now, I've prepared a couple of songs and I hope all of you like them."

 

[Metal Snake: More song-OH GOD IF THIS TURNS INTO A REDUX OF EPISODE 41 I SWEAR I’LL DO THE UNTHINKABLE]

[Hayden: So the valedictorian also gets to sing and skip out on college. ......Wait, the fucking valedictorian passed up the opportunity to go to college, granted it's a bullshit title 70s gave to her without a 2nd thought because we saw one scene of her studying, but that could open up a lot of doors and she could still pursue a singing career.]

 

Everyone clapped,

 

[JCM: DON'T ENCOURAGE HER]

 

and she started to sing

 

[Metal Snake: IF YOU COPYPASTA THE LYRICS TO AN ENTIRE SONG AGAIN I’LL DO IT]

 

"Hometown Glory" by Adele ( 

).

 

[Metal Snake: LAST CHANCE PAST!70S YOU BETTER NOT]

[Hayden: Nothing is glorious about her hometown, more misleading song titles.]

 

"I've been walking in the same way as I did

 

[Metal Snake: AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH]

 

Missing out the cracks in the pavement

And tutting my heel and strutting my feet

"Is there anything I can do for you dear? Is there anyone I could call?"

 

[JCM: Call a mental institution. Bikini Top has officially driven me insane.]

 

"No and thank you, please Madam. I ain't lost, just wandering"

 

[Jjs: Is 70s trying to make me kill myself again? I'm not riffing these, nope. He's just obviously doing them to make the episode longer, which we definitely need.]

[Trophy: If you want me to... *holds battle ax close to jjs' head*]

[Hayden: Quality over quantity is such a foreign concept to the lad.]

 

Round my hometown

Memories are fresh

Round my hometown

Ooh the people I've met

Are the wonders of my world

Are the wonders of my world

Are the wonders of this world

Are the wonders of my world

 

I like it in the city when the air is so thick and opaque

I love to see everybody in short skirts, shorts and shades

I like it in the city when two worlds collide

You get the people and the government

Everybody taking different sides

 

Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit

Shows that we are united

Shows that we ain't gonna take it

Shows that we ain't gonna stand shit

Shows that we are united

 

[Hayden: I'm not going to stand this shit either. School appropriate song this is not.]

[Jjs: I hope little kids weren't in that audience...not like Bikini Top has any, since their population is mostly whiny teenagers.]

 

Round my hometown

Memories are fresh

Round my hometown

Ooh the people I've met

 

Are the wonders of my world

Are the wonders of my world

Are the wonders of this world

Are the wonders of my world."

 

The crowd exploded with applause as Anna grinned. "I have one more song for you guys," she said into the microphone. "I think you'll all like it."

 

[Metal Snake: YOU...]

[JCM: I WILL CUT YOU. I WILL]

[Hayden: No thanks, one was enough sweetheart.]

 

She started to sing "Devil Town" by Bright Eyes ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3PoP85fxUk ).

 

"I was living in a devil town

 

[Jjs: BOOOOO!!!!!!!!]

[Trophy: WAS? YOU'RE STILL IN ONE! *gets praise by everyone*]

[Metal Snake: NOW YOU’VE DONE IT]

[MGS Naomi: Um, are you okay Me-]

[Metal Snake: I WARNED YOU]

[Hayden: I guess this song is accurate, but not sure why you want to remind the crowd they're living in a Hellmouth on graduation day.]

 

I didn't know it was a devil town

Oh lord it really brings me down about the devil town

 

All my friends were vampires

I didn't know they were vampires

It turns out I was a vampire myself in the devil town

 

I was living in a devil town

I didn't know it was a devil town

Oh lord it really brings me down about the devil town

 

All my friends were vampires

I didn't know they were vampires

It turns out I was a vampire myself in the devil town

 

[Hayden: Not only is this not catchy at all, it's factually incorrect since Anna doesn't even have one vampire as a friend.]

 

I was living in a devil town

I didn't know it was a devil town

Oh lord it really brings me down about the devil town

 

About the devil town

 

I was living in a devil town

I didn't know it was a devil town

Oh lord it really brings me down about the devil town."

 

[Metal Snake: YOU FORCED ME TO DO THIS SO GET READY]

[MGS Naomi: Please Metal, calm down!]

[Hayden: Quit bringing me down WITCH. PREPARE YOUR PITCHFORKS EVERYBODY.]

 

Now she was given a standing ovation.

 

[Hayden: o.o Did we hear the same pile of manure....]

 

"Thank you all so much. You don't know how great this makes me feel about the decision I've made. You're all fantastic."

 

[Hayden: Them fueling your delusions does not make them fantastic.]

 

Everyone cheered.

 

[JCM: Booooo.]

[Jjs: *cheers because the songs are over...I hope*]

[Metal Snake: *exhales deeply* …..This spin-off is Generation 3 of My Little Pony. In high school.]

[MGS Naomi: ...What.]

[Metal Snake: Yeah, I mean, believe it or not...this show shares a lot of that show’s flaws. The incohesive storytelling? Check. Having no idea what its main story is? Check. The constant padding and filler? Check. The nonsensical dialogue? Check. The terribly developed characters? Check. The laughably failed attempts at trying to be a realistic slice-of-life tale while having otherworldly elements? Check. And of course, all of the pointless singing? Check and Check. I wish I was making all this up, and I held it inside for as long as I could, honest. But in the end, it...had to come out.]

[MGS Naomi: ...Are you serious?]

[Metal Snake: Uh...yeah. I don’t see how my comparison is unfair with all of these similarities.]

[MGS Naomi: You were making such a big fuss and that’s all you had to “vent” about?! That’s the best critique you could come up with?! What kind of riffer are you?!]

[Metal Snake: Oh yeah, well...what kind of Naomi from Metal Gear Solid are you?! Why would Naomi abandon her duties to riff a fanfic on a children’s cartoon website, use references to her tragic past as jokes, and get passively aggressive over someone correcting someone else’s grammar instead of her? I don’t think you’re Naomi at all. I think you might be a spy!]

[MGS Naomi: Ridicul-Oh forget it. I’m tired of this charade…

 

*throws off black sweater to reveal...Mei Ling! ...who is also a Metal Gear Solid character*

[Metal Snake: M-Mei Ling?! What are you doing here? Why did you disguise yourself as Naomi?]

[Mei Ling: Don’t you remember? You were originally going to ask me to be your first special guest riffer, but you didn’t like my style of commentary…

 

One riffing session ago…

 

“[Mei Ling: You should just be happy that you have enough free time to be riffing a spin-off, Metal Snake! Enjoy yourself!]”]

[Metal Snake: Oh yeah, that’s right. Well...we’re like 75% of the way through this episode now and I liked your commentary when you were Naomi, so I guess I’m fine with you riffing the rest of this thing with me.]

[Mei Ling: Thanks! Just remember that just because you see a lulzy line doesn’t mean you have to riff it!]

[Metal Snake: ...Right.]

 

("Speeding Cars" by Imogen Heap [ 

] starts to play)

 

[Jjs: Oh hey, the episode title. Looks like we're almost done, though nothing important has happened for a season finale...unless Hayden is right that Charlea dies? Nah, it can't be, it's just too stupid.]

 

Principal Fishkins came back up as Anna walked back to her spot.

 

"Well, wasn't she lovely?" he said exuberantly.

 

[Trophy: Not at all.]

[JCM: *hyperventilates*]

[Metal Snake: Hahano]

[Hayden: The real Principal Fish would never do such a great disservice to us! GET HIM!]

 

"Now... it's time to give out some diplomas! First up... Miranda Allen!"

 

Miranda took her diploma, shook hands with the principal, and walked back to her spot in line.

 

"Jensen Arken!"

 

[Jjs: who]

[Hayden: Yay new character, jk, why even pretend there were any other characters besides the 9 or so we've had to deal with.]

 

"Anna Barber!"

 

[Metal Snake: Surprisingly, seeing people’s names getting called is more entertaining filler than pointless exposition scene after pointless exposition scene.]

 

"Ian Buble!"

 

[Jjs: who]

[Hayden: Another character I'd have preferred to see be developed.]

 

"Jake Butler!"

 

[Trophy: OH BUTLER! *Jake delivers smoothies to riffers* Ah, I knew you couldn't quit that place.]

[JCM: It's kind of sad that Jake has been on both seasons of the show, and we're just now learning his last name. Same with Anna. I guess 70s was too preoccupied telling us who they were sleeping with to tell us that stuff.]

 

Jake did not come up to receive his diploma.

 

[Hayden: His diploma doesn't exist because he's a meathead.]

 

Again, Principal Fishkins said his name, then moved on.

 

[Principal Fishkins: Guess he’s just over at the punchbowl.]

 

Eventually the name came to, "Jackie Filmore!" but again no one came up. Her name was repeated as well, but she did not come.

 

[Principal Fishkins: Punchbowl must be popular this year.]

[Hayden: There's also that little matter of her actually being a Junior that would prevent her from taking it morally.....and everyone else should have been questioning that too even if you compelled the principal.]

 

Later, Principal Fiskins said, "I now present to you: The Bikini Top High School class of 2011!"

 

[Jjs: I think the biggest mystery is how most of them graduated.]

[JCM: These kids are our future. God help us.]

[Hayden: Ah 2011....a year to forget.]

 

The audience roared with applause as the graduated hugged each other tightly, some laughing, some crying, everyone excited and nervous all at the same time.

 

[Mei Ling: Excited and nervous? The mind can not be in two places at once.]

[Hayden: But mostly crying.]

 

They were ready to face the world.

 

[Hayden: I call bull, unless they're ready to make up fake families on the internet like their creator.]

 

["Speeding Cars" ends]

 

[Jjs: Wait, we finally got alerted it ended? Well, looks like we're almost do-]

 

~~~

 

"Let's say we accept your services," Kara said to Arianna. "Would you be loyal to us?"

 

[Jjs: ...or not.]

[Trophy: THE SONG FOR ONCE ISN'T A MONTAGE, THE WORLD IS ENDING!]

[JCM: Will this Kara-Arianna thing go anywhere, or will it just end up stillborn like most of the vampire-related plotlines?]

[Arianna: No, I'd stab you both in the back. Oh shit, I meant the other answer.]

[Kara: Alright, seems legit to me. RAINN, INITIATE THE WELCOME WAGON BEFORE I CUT YOUR OTHER BALL OFF!]

 

"Of course," said Arianna.

 

"And could you be useful?"

 

[Arianna: Well, I’m good with pyrotechnics.]

 

"Yes," Arianna told her. "You don't have any vampires working for you."

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! What happened to Astenias' army?]

 

"And why do I have to?"

 

[JCM: Because bloodsuckers make the best accessories!]

 

"I guess that's a bad point to make, since you're a goddess," Arianna said. "What I meant to say was that there's strength in numbers. And I'm practically still a newborn, I'm still pretty strong, but I've been a vampire long enough to control myself."

 

[Metal Snake: Wait, you’re a newborn (meaning “just born”), and you’ve already been a vampire long enough to control yourself? What?]

[Mei Ling: The wise man exceeds in his actions and is modest with his words…]

 

"Intereseting," said Kara. "Well... you can stay here with us. Welcome aboard."

 

[Metal Snake: PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE! Looks like this will be my last call with you for this spin-off, Proofread Neglect Police. Interesting. Unless Kara decided to “inte”reset her game.]

[Mei Ling: I hope she remembered to save first.]

[JCM: Nothing in this spin-off is worth saving.]

[Hayden: Team Villain is officially assembled in full! Oh right, Arianna missed her graduation, remember kids, don't drop out of school just because you die and become a blood sucking demon.]

 

~~~

 

The gang was talking to each other when Richard approached them.

 

"Dad?" Seth asked.

 

Morgan screamed.

 

[JCM: Richard isn't that ugly.]

 

"What is it?" Seth asked.

 

[barry Burton: What is it?]

 

"He's... your dad?" Morgan asked.

 

"Yeah," Seth said.

 

"He's my birth father!"

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST!]

[JCM: It seems that Morgan is the Leia to Seth's Luke.]

[Hayden: Impregnating two women back to back, nice work Richard.]

 

"Holy shit," said Seth.

 

[Metal Snake: Don’t go “Jake.exe stopped working” on us again…]

 

"We're brother and sister," said Morgan. "Oh god I had a crush on you when we met. GROSS GROSS GROSS!"

 

[Trophy: Wouldn't it be step brother and step sister?]

[Jjs: INCONSISTENCY POLICE! Ignoring the unfunny attempt at incest once again...WHEN WAS IT EVER IMPLIED MORGAN HAD A CRUSH ON SETH? Show don't tell man.]

[Hayden: There was no crush, but there was the whole your half brother fucking your mother thing, but of course that's not the first thing brought up. It's some other trivial detail we never saw that we're supposed to find humorously gross instead. Fuck off.]

 

"Bleah!" Seth said. "I had a crush on you!"

 

[Metal Snake: Aw, another forced close-to-incest joke. Since it was so funny the first time.]

[Hayden: But she doesn't look anything like Heather due to being adopted by her, and you're only into the wrinkled up fishes.]

 

"Well this is awkward..." Naomi said.

 

[JCM: Good thing you slit your eyes, then.]

 

"Yeah, we're just gonna... go over there," said Miranda, and everyone that was not Morgan, Seth, and Richard left.

 

[Metal Snake: Hey, we can’t just leave the story, we have a riff to finish!]

[Mei Ling: Maybe we’re just being given a break to adjust our sandals. Or in this case, prepare ourselves for more silliness.]

[Jjs: *Notice to viewers: I'd recommend to not read my following riff unless you want to be heavily disturbed*

 

So I guess if this show wants to try "close to incest", I can too. Everyone keep in mind that Heather adopted Morgan. And with that extent...Heather could be considered Seth's mother. That...makes every scene with them very creepy now. So you guys are welcome to that perspective.]

 

~~~

 

Brenda and Mikayla were talking.

 

[Jjs: God forbid if it is about something interesting.]

[JCM: Just more vampire drama. Yawn.]

 

"Honey, I'm sorry for all this..." said Brenda. "I know it's a lot to take in."

 

"You've got that right," said Mikayla.

 

[Metal Snake: You can say that again.]

[Jjs: You've got that right.]

 

"But it's just... the way things are," Brenda told her.

 

[JCM: That's right. Your mother's literally a monster and there's nothing you can do about it. Neener-neener-neener!]

[Metal Snake: “Yeah, I fucked up real bad, but you just got to live with it!”

 

This fuckin’ woman…

[Mei Ling: Calling her honor an “empty bubble” is being generous.]

 

"Mom, do you love Hersht?"

 

[Hayden: Well of course Mikayla, this is how all love stories go.]

 

"What...?"

 

"He hasn't come back yet... I know you want him to. If you love him, go and find him."

 

[Hayden: So the traumatized daughter is the one getting these two crazy vampire kids back together. Cool. Clappy can't tell me this is more sick than Ted's kids urging him to move onto Robin, but I'll bet he'll try to make one hell of a case.]

 

Brenda jumped up and ran out the door.

 

[JCM: She didn't mean right now! Holy shit, you're a terrible mother.]

[Trophy: You still love him? Why couldn't the cancer kill her?]

[Metal Snake: “I have to find him! It was so wrong for me not to forgive him after he said he was sorr-Wait…”

 

*sigh* Another poorly done emotional scene… Why? NOTHING HAS HAPPENED TO MAKE US WANT BRENDA TO FORGIVE HERSHT. In fact, this is actually pretty sick. If you read how this was plotted out, it was practically designed for Brenda and Hersht to “work together” to get Tristan killed off so that they could have a relationship. She cheats on him, and then HE gets the punishment by getting the Idiot Ball to justify his death. Fuck this.]

[Mei Ling: I’ve heard of “Win any way you can, nice guys finish last.”, but this is horrible…]

[Hayden: He keeps writing himself into corners, and then uses despicable or poorly thought out tactics to bust his way out.]

 

~~~

 

("Full Moon" by The Black Ghosts [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[JCM: Full moon? I wonder what that's implying???]

 

Miranda was with her friends at graduation when she noticed it was starting to get dark.

 

"I have to go," she said.

 

"What?" Anna asked. "Why so soon?"

 

[Hayden: My graduation was in the early morning, and this chapter seems to suggest it was in the AM as well, so she's not leaving too soon at all.]

 

"I just remembered... my parents want me home by now. See you guys later!"

 

[Metal Snake: Here it comes…]

[Jjs: She probably realized she was missing The Simpsons marathon on FXX.]

[Hayden: Every. Bikini Top. Ever. Coming to FXX this Fall with a 10,857 day marathon.]

 

She immediately ran home as fast as she could.

 

"About time!" her father, Joseph said. He held up chains and jerked his head towards the cellar door.

 

[JCM: Oh, fun! More incest!]

[Hayden: Hey, figure out your name already "Joseph"! Then you can be impatient with your daughter.]

 

Miranda nodded and started to walk down the stairs. She undressed and lay on the ground as her father chained her up, then he walked upstairs.

 

[Trophy: Well jjs, your pedo/porno calls might come true, now where the heck is Glinda?]

[Jjs: Uh.......]

[Hayden: Oh shit, 70s is finally going there, parent on child rape, it was only a matter of time after Seth and Heather....]

 

Miranda started to scream as she changed into a wolf.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: WHAT A TWIST! Seriously, fish werewolves? Dammit all.]

[Metal Snake: AWHOO, MOTHERFUCKERS!]

[Mei Ling: I hope she’s the only werewolf in this show. If there are more wolves, the people will be eaten.

 

*dead silence and "UHH"'s can be heard from the audience*

 

Wait...would that be a good thing in this case?]

[Hayden: A werewolf fish. NEAT-O!]

[JCM: I didn't expect this at all!!!1!]

 

~~~

 

Everyone was still talking back outside the high school.

 

"Anyways Naomi..." Morgan said, "I heard you decided to go to college here."

 

"Yeah," said Naomi. "I did. I'm going to join Omega Epsilon Beta next year, and it'll be great."

 

[Jjs: the what now]

[Metal Snake: Cool. I’m going to join Alpha Upsilon Gamma.]

[JCM: And I'll join Sigma Epsilon Xi.]

[Hayden: No, Naomi you were going to Coralwood, REMEMBER?]

 

Morgan and Naomi hugged.

 

[Jjs: Morgan x Naomi?]

[Hayden: I'm not aroused at all by that lesbian pairing.]

 

"But we'll miss you next year, Anna!" Morgan cried. She hugged Anna, then Naomi hugged Anna in agreeance.

 

[Metal Snake: As opposed to kissing in disagreeance?]

[Mei Ling: How do I agree that I love thee?]

[Hayden: Naomi was leaving, not Anna, fuck this show.]

[Jjs: Okay, maybe a threesome..but seriously, what Hayden said. This is very sloppy now, I guess 70s cannot let go of Naomi.]

 

"I'll miss you guys too," said Anna.

 

"I'll miss you," said Molly quietly.

 

[JCM: Her and all those other girls you made out with.]

 

Anna ignored her.

 

[Anna: Fangirls…]

[Hayden: Haha Molly, no one cares.]

 

~~~

 

("Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: IT'S STILL GOING? Did 70s just decide to mix things up for once and not have the title play as the last song?]

 

Seth left in his boatmobile... he was ready to talk to Heather.

 

[JCM: NO]

 

Finally. He knocked on her door, and she answered.

 

"Seth!" she said and hugged him.

 

"Hey, Heather..." Seth said. "So, I came to talk."

 

"Talk, then," said Heather. "I'm all ears."

 

[Metal Snake: How do you see then?]

 

The two of them sat on the couch together.

 

"Do you still want to be with me?" Seth asked.

 

[JCM: It's common courtesy to ask a person you haven't seen in weeks how they're doing, but asking them if they still have the hots for you works, too.]

 

"Yes," said Heather. "Do you still want to be with me?"

 

"I... don't know," Seth said. "I wish I could tell you yes, or tell you no, but the truth is: I dont' know, Heather. What you did to me. It hurt."

 

[Metal Snake: *cue AAAAAWWWW*]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: don't]

 

"And I regret it, Seth," Heather said. "You have to know that. I regret what I did every day."

 

[Trophy: THEN WHY DO IT?]

 

"I don't know if I believe that," said Seth. "I have a lot going on right now... I just found out that your adoptive daughter is my half-sister."

 

[JCM: That'll make for quite a family reunion in the future.]

 

"What?"

 

[Metal Snake: *cue laugh track*]

[Mei Ling: While laughter is the best medicine, I don’t believe that this is appropriate.]

[Hayden: Typical sitcom hijinx! But this shipping will overcome this trial by the end of the episode. Oh wait, they've been pulling this for over 10 episodes now? Well every season has its filler episodes...]

 

"Yeah," said Seth. "So... I'm gonna go." He started to open the door.

 

"No, don't leave!" Heather cried.

 

"Why not?"

 

[JCM: Yeah, why not?]

 

"I'm pregnant."

 

[JCM: Oh, that.]

[Jjs: WHAT A TW-oh, we already knew beforehand, so this scene is pretty weak now. Dramatic irony at its dullest.]

[Metal Snake: *cue OOOOOHHHHH*

 

Seriously, this scene screams “stereotypical soap opera” scene.]

[Hayden: Couldn't she have had a quiet abortion and spared us this rehashing?]

 

~~~

 

As things continued to get more and more bleak at the hospital, Tori decided she had to go.

 

"I'll be back later," she told Jake, Jackie and Sarah.

 

"See you soon then, Mom," said a sobbing Jake.

 

Tori got in the boatmobile and drove home. She went up to her bedroom and grabbed those sleeping pills she had been eyeing earlier in the day, and consumed the entire bottle.

 

[Metal Snake: Wait, you don’t mean…]

[JCM: Yeah, just when your children need you the most. You're the epitome of great parenting.]

 

Not even a minute later, she fell to the ground.

 

[Hayden: *applauds* No, but seriously killing off characters you're too lazy to do anything with just stinks of well...laziness.]

[Metal Snake: That scene with Tori way back wasn’t entirely filler! In a spin-off that almost feels like nothing but filler, a detail mentioned in passing finally serves some importance later on! Not an outstanding improvement, but it’s something.]

[Jjs: RIP Tori. I can't blame her for wanting out of the spin-off. So we have our first death of the season finale! I expected someone more important, but oh well.]

[Trophy: Ummmm, like I said before, what about A RETIREMENT HOME!??! Don't you have a mother still alive or mother in law? Seriously, just what? PLOT HOLE POLICE PLOT HOLE POLICE PLOT HOLE POLICE! *bangs hand through table* I AM NOT PAYING FOR THAT!]

 

~~~

 

Brenda was running through the woods when she spotted Hersht, and intentionally crashed

 

[JCM: Now I know where Temperance got it from.]

 

into him.

 

[Metal Snake: WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING YOU FOOL!]

 

"Ow!" Hersht said.

 

[Jjs: OUCH!]

 

Brenda kissed him passionately.

 

[Metal Snake: Then they started to make out keenly against a tree.]

[JCM: That's not a tree! That's Bryan!]

 

"I love you," she said.

 

"You do?"

 

"I do," she said. "And I know you killed Tristan, and it still makes me hurt right now. But I love you, and for now that's all I want to think about. How much I love you."

 

[Metal Snake: Oh, so she doesn’t want to forgive him, she’s just an escapist.]

[Mei Ling: Solitude is sometimes best society. Delusion, on the other hand…]

 

"I love you too."

 

Brenda started to cry again. "Please make me stop hurting, then."

 

[JCM: Unless you want him to kill you again, that won't be easy, babe.]

[Jjs: Wow, vampires take things pretty well. But I can't blame her, Tristan was useless.]

[Hayden: She'll be hurting for the rest of her life whether she likes it or not.]

 

~~~

 

("Angel" by Sarah McLachlan [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i1GmxMTwUgs ] plays throughout the scene)

 

Dr. Gosselin comes out of the operating room, where he had been operating on Charlea, trying to stabilize her terrible condition.

 

"Is she okay, doctor?" Sarah asked. She was the only one who was not crying at that point.

 

[sarah: “I never liked her anyways.”]

[JCM: I bet Sarah was the one who gave her pneumonia. I bet she's secretly a devil spawn or something. It wouldn't be the most ridiculous thing Bikini Top did.]

 

The doctor said nothing.

 

[Jjs: Oh no...he's not gonna...]

 

Sarah repeated, "Dr. Gosselin, is Charlea okay? Did it work?"

 

Dr. Gosselin remained quiet, as if he was trying to think of something to say.

 

[Jjs: No...please don't...]

 

Jake and Jackie both cried harder.

 

[JCM: As Sarah just stood there, silently congratulating herself on a job well done.]

[Metal Snake: Don’t cry harder, try harder!]

 

"I'm afraid we lost her..." the doctor said.

 

"What do you mean, lost her?" Jake shouted. "Where the fuck did she go?!"

 

[Hayden: She ran away to NYC when she got the chance.]

[Jjs: Wow, so Charlea was the fourth Chaos Emerald the whole time.]

 

"How did you lose our baby?" Jackie yelled.

 

[Metal Snake: “Well, the guys and I took a break and we sort of got a little crazy…”]

[Jjs: How do you expect us to take this scene seriously now when you have two dumb comments back to back?]

 

"Jackie... Jake..." said Sarah, who was now crying as well.

 

[JCM: Keeping up appearances, I see. I'm onto you, devil lady.]

 

"He means... he means Charlea passed away."

 

[Jackie and Jake: What do you mean, pass away? Is she giving away free handouts of something?]

[Hayden: Bad Luck Charlea, RIP!]

 

Jackie now completely broke down and fell onto herself,, landing on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Jake only stood there in shock.

 

"She's gone..." he said.

 

[Metal Snake: What do you mean, gone? Did she leave to get a drink or something?]

[Jjs: NO NO NO NO NO NO! I don't care what happens next, I'm not done! I never read ahead when I made those Charlea dying jokes, and wow, just wow. Hayden even called it in episode 21 and he hadn't read ahead. This spin-off is more predictable than an episode of Scooby-Doo. Where was the build-up to this? In fact, how do we take it seriously now when Charlea was ignored for 95% of the season, her birthday was forgot in 40, non-canon or not, and now we have two stupid comments from Jake and Jackie for "comedic relief"? God dammit.]

[Hayden: Well let's focus on the positive, we learned I'm psychic! Oh I mean poor little Charlea, the feels right now are overwhelming and shit.]

[JCM: The real tragedy here is that a storyline focusing on Jake and Jackie adjusting to parenthood would have been more interesting than anything having to do with vampires or werewolves. It was going in the right direction at first, but as soon as J&J broke up, then got back together, then broke up again, Charlea became little more than an afterthought. Jackie, when she actually had something to do, focused more on trying to get into Bryan's pants than on taking care of her daughter, and Jake was out trying to curb Morgan's furniture addiction or whatever. Charlea's first birthday party was an opportunity for them to get back on track, but of course, they made it all about themselves, and when Charlea became sick, they both denied that she was sick and refused to get her treatment for a week (a week!) because it went against the delusions they had of being great parents. I'm aware that Jake and Jackie are teenagers and that they make mistakes, but their selfishness these last two episodes has been appalling, and it makes me impossible to sympathize with them over Charlea's death. It doesn't help that they probably would have forgotten about her again a few episodes into Season 3. Basically, the entire Charlea arc has been nothing but wasted potential, something I've gotten too used to seeing over the spin-off's run.]

[Trophy: I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure pneumonia doesn't always kill someone, especially if this is set in modern medicine times. Wow, tamest and weakest death so far.]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

"Everyone But Me" by Lykke Li

"I'm Not Calling You a Liar" by Florence + the Machine

"Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World

"Separator" by Radiohead

"Miles Away" by Madonna

"Everybody Hurts" by Avril Lavigne

"Hometown Glory" by Adele [sung by Anna]

"Devil Town" by Bright Eyes [sung by Anna]

"Speeding Cars" by Imogen Heap

"Full Moon" by The Black Ghosts

"Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac

"Angel" by Sarah McLachlan

 

---

 

So... excuse me while I cry.

 

[Hayden: I always knew 70s was a masochist, he wrote this to torture himself and everyone around him.]

[Metal Snake: Wow, the painfulness of this episode got to Past!70s too. This season finale, just like the last one, was boring, tedious, and made the same fatal mistake of sacrificing fun for length. Past!70s may have tried some new things to make this season more interesting than the last, but I think a proverb describes it best, a new coat of paint does not hide a broken engine. That broken engine being sloppy and incohesive writing, poor character development, and a soulless story with no direction at all. Bikini Top is not unbearably bad, yet it is still a very weak spin-off that definitely did not deserve all the recognition and laud it got. That’s all I have to say really, so...play me off Mei!]

[Mei Ling: The spin-off graveyard is filled with indispensable works...and this is not one of them. That’s all for me too. Win, riffers, win!]

[Metal Snake: Good night!]

[Jjs: I'm crying too. While this isn't the worst thing I've riffed, it definitely has a lot of issues...*gets phone call* Wait, it's not over? But it's the season finale...there's one more episode? NOOO!]

[JCM: Since this is the last episode I'm riffing, I might as well give my opinion on the season overall: it sucked. Goodbye, everyone! I'll remember you all in therapy.]

[Trophy: OK I'm done. Forget the next episode, I'm done.]

[Producer #1: It's in your contract to do the last episode.]

[Trophy: SCREW THAT, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM SUING RIFFING THEATER EVEN IF I SIGNED UP TO LET PEOPLE DO THI- *gets tasered and wakes up an hour later* Ugh what was I doing?]

[Producer #2: You were getting ready for the next and last episode of Bikini Top.]

[Trophy: Well alright, I'll do it then.]

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Sorry for the long delay, but finally, here's the last episode of Bikini Top.

 

Bikini Top Season 3 (episode one of one)

 

44. Heartbeats

 

Spoiler

Surprise! Posting this a little early. Enjoy.

 

[Trophy: After everything I suffered, I better.]

[Wumbo: The last episode! Last chance for redemption! It didn't start out that way, but... well, consider the ending a "cliffhanger", I guess. It's also my last riffing, so appreciate, damn you! APPRECIATE!]

[Hayden: I can't believe it's about to be over....so many laughs, so many tears, and so little writing talent. Let's make this a riff for the ages my comrades!]

[Jjs: So yes, there is one more episode left. It turns out this was supposed to be the first Season 3 episode, but wouldn't you know it, 70s thankfully cancelled it before Season 3 could pan out. So yes, the season premiere ended up being the series finale, what cruel irony. I suppose this episode will tell us what he had planned for Season 3 though.]

[Clappy: Looks like I’m alive another day to riff the final episode of Bikini Top. Man what did I miss?

 

*reads that Charlea is dead….as well as Tori*

 

Lmfao I should have known he would kill her off….

 

*reads Seth and Morgan are semi-related*

 

….dear god that means….they are pseudo related….and Seth fucked her stepmom and…oh god. So…disturbing…]

[CNF: 

 ]

 

 

S3E1 (44) - Heartbeats: Last season on Bikini Top... I'm still crying after that tearjerker of a season finale. No way can I recap right now. Just... read it. 

 

[Wumbo: Don't cry, 70s. It wasn't that bad.]

[Trophy: Oh my god, yes you can, STOP FORCING US TO DO IT OURSELVES NOW, IT'S THE FINAL EPISODE MAN!]

[Hayden: Quit being melodramatic and admit you were too bored to type up one final recap. We won't blame you if you're sick of your own writing.]

 

("Such Small Hands" by La Dispute [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

 

Jake was at the graveyard, staring at two tombstones.

Charlea Butler
2010-2011

Tori Butler
1975-2011

 

[Jjs: And it looks like they were both so unimportant they got off-screen funerals. I can tell Jake and Jackie really did care for Charlea.]

[CNF: Hooray, two more characters dead! This show is getting better already.]

[Jake: *does spit take on grave upon realizing they aren't alive anymore*]

 

He set flowers on both of their graves as he slowly walked back to his boatmobile.

 

[Clappy: Father of the year folks. He’s tortured because he lost his daughter that he gave zero shits about all last season. You poor guy.]

 

"You okay, man?" Bryan asked.

 

[Wumbo: He's fine now, Bryan, because you asked. It's always important to ask.]
[Jjs: Is he okay...is he okay? Yes, his daughter and mother just died, I'm sure he is more than fine, dumbass.]

[CNF: Yeah, he's okay man, the best he's ever been. It's not like he's lost every family member he had!]

[Hayden: Bryan handled it really well, you know up until he went emo in the season two finale in order to make Jake feel bad. Hey wait, that's right, look on the positive side Jake. Now you have the bigger and better sob story.]

 

"Not really..." said Jake. "Actually Bryan, not at all."

 

[Wumbo: Well, there goes my theory. *sigh*]

(Theme plays)

 

[Wumbo: Okay, what is this god damned theme? The entire series has passed and I've never figured this out. WHAT. IS. THIS. THEME?! Sadly, this is far from the only thing that will be unanswered.]
[Jjs: I guess we'll just have to assume it was this: 

 

 

 

 

I'll miss you, Mr. Krabs Violin Theme Song. *salutes*]

[Hayden: Here's an extra special ending theme:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEJ4spdiTxw 

 

*sniffles* I'll miss you nonexistent theme song!]

 

("Prettiest Thing" by Oh Darling [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

 

"Let's go!" Seth said. "We're gonna be late, Heather."

"Shut up Seth," Heather said. "I'll take as long as I damn well please. I didn't even want you to come..."

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: damn want]

[Hayden: That's what she said....oh wait, she really did say that. Now I'm having Seather Jex flashbacks, we didn't want him to come either Heather, we never forever never did.]

 

"Well it's my baby," Seth said. "Of course I'm coming! I have to see if it's a boy or a girl."
 

[Hayden: So Seth is already coming for his baby? Pedophile alert, but hey looking at his dating tendencies it was never all that surprising.]

 

"It's a boy," Heather said. "I just know it's a boy."

[Jjs: It's a girl...it's a boy...it's a plane!]

[CNF: NO IT'S SUPERMAN! COME SAVE US SUPERMAN! ;D]

[Hayden: Correction: You want it to be a boy so you'll have your new Seth when he grows old and wrinkly like you.]

 

"No," said Seth. "It's definitely a little baby girl. You're crazy."

"You're crazy!" she said.

 

[Hayden: It's a tie since neither of you have considered an abortion.]

 

"Let's not start that," said Seth. "Let's just go and get this over with so we can get away from each other."

 

[Hayden: Amen.]

[Clappy: Seth, you’re going to make a great father with this sort of attitude.]

 

"Fine by me," Heather said.

"Sure it is."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, nothing..." Seth said. "Nothing at all, Heather."

 

[Hayden: Oh, it meant something alright. Has Seth finally discovered he got together with a desperate old hag and is re-evaluating his life choices?]

 

"Whatever you say," Heather said. "Now let's go."

The two of them got in the boatmobile and Seth started driving.

~~~

Jackie was laying in her bed staring at the popcorn ceiling above her, 

 

[Hayden: Does it have extra butter on it? Sounds tasty.]

 

counting the individual dots. 50, 51, 52... it's my fault ... 53, 54, 55... I'm the reason she's dead ... 56, 57, 58 ... I might as well have murdered her ... 59, 60 ... what's the point anyways? Living a lie ... 61, 62 ... this is ridiculous ... 63, 64 ... I hate my life... 65 ...

 

[Trophy: Murder, oh police! What the fuck happened to those policemen anyway?]

[Wumbo: A standard conversation that goes through every Bikini Top resident now and again.]

[CNF: Somebody's depressed...]

[Jjs: Hey now Jackie, it might not entirely be your fault. I wouldn't blame anybody if they wanted to be dead from this spin-off.]

[Clappy: Except for the fact that Charlea was sick and you and Jake didn’t give two shits about it…so yeah Jackie. It is only partially your fault.]

[Hayden: I agree with Jackie, she might as well have murdered Charlea, child murder was a missed opportunity on 70s part. He'd be the number 1 spinoff on every SpongeBob forum ever if he pulled something that risqué off. Oh right, I forgot, he doesn't even pull the basics off very well.]

 

"GOD DAMN IT!" she yelled. She started breathing heavily, and she grabbed her make-up off the counter and chucked it at the wall. She tore open her pillow and threw it at her door, stuffing flying everywhere.

 

[Wumbo: 

 ]
[CNF: Poor pillow. It doesn't deserve this abuse!]

 

[Hayden: NOT THAT POOR STUFFING! ;( ]

 

Her phone rang and she started to cry. She picked it up.

"Hello?" she asked.

"Jackie?" said Bryan. "Are you okay?"

"Fuck no," Jackie said. "Why would I be, dipshit?"

 

[Clappy: Because you are cursing for the sake of cursing…stupid bitch.]

[Jjs: Hey, that's probably the best thing Jackie has said the entire spin-off. Seriously though, did Jake's stupidity infect Bryan with a virus?]
[CNF: YEAH GO JACKIE TELL THAT DIPSHIT WHO'S BOSS.]

[Hayden: "Are you okay?" being asked after every fucking terrible event is the best and most consistent running gag 70s has accomplished throughout these 44 beautiful works of art. Maybe that's just my rose colored nostalgia glasses talking though.]

 

She hung up the phone and threw it directly at her mirror, creating a hole in the mirror, glass shattering around the room.

 

[Clappy: Wow. Cellphones are becoming so smart that they can make actual holes in mirrors. I have to upgrade asap.]

[Wumbo: Since I'm actually the first to touch this one, I'll take over jjs' job here so he can be spared just once: Pointless Scene #1.]
[Hayden: Look on the bright side, without a child she'll be able to afford a new mirror!]

 

~~~

Naomi, Veera, and Veera's boyfriend Chris 

 

[Clappy: Who?]

[Jjs: Chris McLean? Chris Walken? Chris Christie?]

[Hayden: I choose to roll with Chris McLean just to add some actual purpose or fun to this Naomi scene.]

[Trophy: I hope it's not Chris McLean, this spin-off already ruined one Total Drama character.]

 

were sitting at the dinner table. This was Naomi's first time meeting the man.

 

"So Naomi, are you ready to start college?" Chris asked.

"Definitely. Excited for it," said Naomi. 

 

[Hayden: You were still going to Coralwood *twitches* before Anna went and stole your stupid fucking aspirations.]

[Jjs: I guess 70s is just never going to fix that giant error. That right there classified as, for the first time ever in Riffing Theater history, three police calls: INCONSISTENCY POLICE, PROOFREAD NEGLECT POLICE, AND LAZY EDITING POLICE!]

 

She messed with the peas on her plate with a fork. "Have you and my mom fucked yet?"

 

[Trophy: Perfect idea for a new show.]

[CNF: What is wrong with you people.]

[Jjs: Before you all attack Naomi, to be fair, I always ask "Have you and my mom fucked yet?" out loud at a restaurant when everyone is eating dinner. It's very polite table manners.]

[Clappy: It’s Bikini Top, what do you think the answer is Naomi?]

[Hayden: See, how is Naomi ready for college with such awful table manners? But beyond Naomi's blunt and cliché question to ask in this kind of plot situation is a more compelling one: How do fish fuck? How do they pull off the full Jex experience? Well, I've finally found the answer. Behold the miracle caught on camera of Veera and Chris going at it hardcore!

 

 

 

 

THE RAUNCHIEST THING EVER POSTED ON SBC! Ratings are about to soar, eh Chris? Especially the viewer discretion rating on Jjs's Riffing Theater!]

 

Veera choked on her mashed potatoes then sipped some of her water in an attempt to wash them down.

 

[Wumbo: And then she spat it out for a HIGH-LARIOUS reaction.]
[Hayden: Jake then promptly murdered her for stealing his thing, just like he murdered Charlea for acting like a bigger baby than him.]

 

Chris laughed heartily.

 

[Clappy: You crazy kids and your hilarious questions about sexual intercourse.]

 

"That's not really an answer," said Naomi.

"You're a joy," said Chris.

 

[Hayden: The bullshit meter on this guy is off the charts, did he keep a straight face while saying that?]

[Trophy: That's how you'd totally react to that... is this Chris Griffin?]

 

"Haha, yeah..." said Naomi and sighed, continuing to shift her peas around on the plate.

 

[Wumbo: Pointless Scene #2...]
[Jjs: Agreed. What was the point of this scene at all? I mean yeah, it shows Veera's boyfriend, but was it just trying to show Naomi likes to be a Tommy Wiseau and ask about people's sex lives?]

[Hayden: Naomi hasn't had any action for herself in quite some time so hearing about her mother's Jex life turns her on. Read between the lines Jjs.]

[CNF: 

 ]

 

 

~~~

Anna was waking up at her hotel in Coralwood. She had been there for two days, and today she was going to go and sing at a bar she had gotten a gig at.

 

[Wumbo: No, please. It's my last episode. PLEASE, no more singing.]

[Hayden: This was such a fine alternative to college! RAKE IN THE BIG BUCKS YOU VALEDICTORIAN YOU!]

 

As she got up and got dressed, she thought about Molly. She hated that she was thinking about her, but she couldn't stop. She left her hotel and got into her boatmobile, driving to the bar.
 

[CNF: Can the rest episode just be one big drunk orgy?]

 

Fish were there

 

[Clappy: Plot twist of the century.]

[Wumbo: Gasp! What are fish doing above water? ...Oh, right. Everybody here's a fish. Even now, I keep forgetting.]

[Hayden: I wouldn't be there if I knew Anna was performing, then again, I'm not a fish.]

 

waiting for her to perform. It was quite a feeling. They were all staring right at the stage as she walked on with her microphone. Sure, she had performed before... but this time it felt different. This time it mattered. This time she wanted to be discovered.

She put the microphone near her lips and said, "Hi. I'm Anna Barber.

 

[CNF: Was her dad in a "barber" shop quartet? *smirk*]

 

I'm going to sing 'Taking Chances' by Celine Dion.

 

[Clappy: Please don’t.]

[Wumbo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jZNBe2KdD2E ]

 

I adjusted the lyrics a very little bit to fit a person situation of mine a little more... I hope that's okay. ( 

)

 

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: personal]

[Trophy: No, it is not at all.]

[Wumbo: No, it's not okay. Get off the stage. NOW.]

 

This is a great song, I hope you all like it." 

 

[Clappy: Celine Dion? Great song? Does such a statement exist?]

 

Molly was, painfully, in her thoughts the entire time.

 

[Hayden: Wow, I almost forgot Molly was on her mind, nailing that subtlety even with the last dying breath of your show Travis.]

[Wumbo: Cue the lyrics.]

 

"Don't know much about your life

 

[Trophy: DAMMIT WUMBO YOU JINXED IT!]

 

Don't know much about your world but
Don't wanna be alone tonight
On this planet they call Earth

[Jjs: My god, again? These pasted song lyrics are torture. It looks like this would have been permanent in Season 3, thank god Season 3 didn't pan out now.]

[CNF: Son of a bitch. Skipping.]

[Hayden: But he apparently altered it in some way if Anna is telling the truth. See? 70s was growing! By S10 of Bikini Top I'm sure he'd have gotten the hang of writing it.]

 

I don't know about your past and
I don't have a future figured out
And maybe this is goin' too fast
And maybe it's not meant to last

But what do you say to takin' chances?
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowin' if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold or hell to pay
What do you say? What do you say?

I just wanna start again
And maybe you could show me how to try
Maybe you could take me in
Somewhere underneath your skin

What do you say to takin' chances?
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowin' if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold or hell to pay
What do you say? What do you say?

Hey now, hey, my heart is beatin' down
But I'm always comin' back for more, yeah
There's nothin' like love to pull you up
When you're lyin' down on the floor, babe

So talk to me, talk to me like lovers do
Yeah, walk with me, walk with me like lovers do
Like lovers do

What to you say to takin' chances?
What do you say to jumpin' off the edge?
Never knowin' if there's solid ground below
Or a hand to hold or hell to pay
What do you say? What do you say?

Don't know much about your life
And I don't know much about your world.
"

 

[Wumbo: Oh sweet Jesus, it's finally, FINALLY over. Wish I could say the same for this episode.]
[Jjs: I think it's safe to say now 70s just pasted the lyrics to make the episodes seem longer. Job well done.]

[Hayden: At least it allows me to just keep scrolling.]

 

She smiled as the audience clapped. 

 

[Clappy: FxxgaIm_zps7dc139f7.gif ]

 

A woman that looked vaguely familiar walked up to her as she walked off the stage.

"Hi," said the woman.

"Oh, hi," said Anna, and she smiled brightly.

"I'm Gina Morianno," said the woman. "I'm a talent agent for Dazzle Records, and well, quite frankly, you're spectacular. I think they'd love you. Would you be interested in seeing some executives?"

 

[Wumbo: "Would you be interested in this plan not going through like last time?"]
[Jjs: Oh yeah...that plot from Season 1 that never got brought up again.]

[CNF: This spin-off is so forgettable I've forgotten most of Season Uno.]

[Hayden: What a coincidence, she got discovered right after her (assumed) first gig at a bar. THE REALISM NEVER STOPS JUST LIKE THE PARTY DON'T STOP!]

 

"Of course I would!" Anna said, practically squealing with glee.

 

[Clappy: Hardy har har. Get it? Because “Glee” lolololol bite me Bikini Top.]

 

"Wait, Gina Morianno? You offered my friends -- Morgan Graham and Naomi Duncan -- jobs almost two years ago.

 

[Wumbo: Yeah, full names... in case you've forgotten.]

[Jjs: Well I can't blame her, that plot was forgotten the moment it got introduced.]

[Trophy: Wait, Graham? It took him 44 episodes to say Morgan's last name? What kind of last name is that anyways?]

[Hayden: Even more examples of why Dazzle Records doesn't seem to be able to tell what talent actually is. Why trust them now Anna?]

 

They never contacted you again, but... I remember you! They've talked about you, and how they almost had a shot at fame, and...”

“Yes, I remember them,” said Gina with a smile. “How are they?”

Anna slightly frowned. “Well, no one’s doing great right now. Our friends, well... their baby died.”

 

[CNF: This further proves that everyone on the show had one big orgy.]

 

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” said Gina.

 

[Clappy: Didn’t you read the past season Gina? I mean come on. Keep up with the times.]

[Hayden: Yeah, I'm sorry you had to hear it too, imagine riffing it though.]

 

“Yeah, it’s been tough,” Anna said. “Her funeral was... intense. 

 

[Clappy: Too intense for the viewers to even read about.]

[Jjs: ...Intense funeral? What, did they play football or have some more unnecessary drama while mourning?]

 

But everyone’s starting to get over it. Everyone besides the parents, of course. And on top of that, the father -- his mom killed herself that same day.”

 

“You’re kidding!” Gina gasped.

 

[Wumbo: Yeah, you kind of came back at the wrong time, Gina.]

“I wish, said Anna. “Oh, I feel so bad for him. He’s usually this big, larger-than-life guy. But now he’s... vacant.”

“I could only imagine what it would feel like to go through that kind of loss,” said Gina.

 

[Clappy: I’m sorry, but what kind of people actually have a conversation that goes to “Hey, sign with my record label” to “My friend’s child died.”]

[Hayden: Was it really necessary for Anna to fill some one-off bitch in on Charlea's tragic death? I still don't see it as anything dire, sorry not sorry.]

 

“Me too,” said Anna. 

 

[Jjs: Did Anna get possessed by the ghost of ATTWL 3 Teenj?]

 

“So... yeah. I need to go get something to eat. I’m starving.”
 

[Hayden: Turning a conversation about stardom into the depressing death of a baby really works up my appetite too.]

 

“Here, have my card,” said Gina. She handed Anna a bright red business card containing her information and said, “Hope to see you soon,” before leaving the bar.

 

[Wumbo: "Hopefully no other tragic circumstances happen before then! Toodles."]

~~~

("Distant Sures" by The Cave Singers [ 

] plays throughout the scene)

 

 

Jackie was on her bed crying when her door opened.

 

[Clappy: Just replace Jackie with Temperance and you pretty much have the same sequence as last season.]

 

"You okay?" Bryan asked immediately.
 

[Hayden: Like a goddamn broken record, aren't you?]

 

"Bryan!" she yelled. "What the hell are you doing here?"

[Jjs: Good question. What the hell is Bryan doing in this spin-off anymore? His Chosen plot is pretty much dead now anyways.]

[Trophy: This isn't a sex dream? Okay then.]

 

"You... sounded really upset," said Bryan. "No, you were really upset. And you still are. Jackie, talk to me. I know you don't like talking to people about what happened, but please, you have to talk to me. I want to help you. I hate seeing you like this."

 

[Jjs: "And if I'm not clear enough, I want to help you. Got it? I want to help you, I really do want to help you. I want to help you so much I'll repeat myself over and over and over and over...."]

[Clappy: That didn’t stop you from caring a few episodes ago when she was professing her love for you, so why start now?]

[Hayden: Yeah, Bryan hates seeing people process their emotions, it reminds him how few he is actually able to have.]

 

"Stop coming onto me!" Jackie shouted. 

 

[Clappy: Hehe cum.]

[Jjs: *chuckles* I like to read that as Bryan "comed" on her, if you catch my drift...*hears audience booing* In my defense, he should've worded that better.]

[CNF: Bad jjs. Naughty boy. *sprays water*]

 

"You had your chance!"

 

"I'm not trying to come onto you," said Bryan calmly. 

 

[Jjs: *chuckles* Stop it man.]

[CNF: Let my man juices floweth!

 

...Damn I sound like a pervert.]

[Hayden: Jackie will probably be even madder at you for that not being the case.]

 

"Jackie, I just want to help. Seeing you like this... it kills me, okay?"

 

[Jjs: If only it did actually kill him...]

[CNF: I'd pay to see that.]

[Hayden: I thought it killed Charlea. Oops, too soon?]

 

"And why does it?"

 

[Clappy: Because your happiness is not a vampire, so he doesn’t want to kill it.]

 

"Because I care about you, Jackie!" he said. "It doesn't have to mean anything more than that. We're friends, and I care about you, which is why I care when you start doing things like that." He points to the hole in her mirror, the glass all around her room, the cracked phone on the dresser.

"Stop caring about me..." said Jackie.

"Why?"

"I'm worthless," said Jackie. "Without her I'm worthless. And it's my fault."

 

[Wumbo: In other words, she's Jackie, so who cares?]
[Jjs: And can her scene also end for the sake of time? I think this episode needs to fill the quota of pasted song lyrics, so you could easily remove this scene for another one.]

[Hayden: Jackie's right, her plot potential just fell dramatically without the whole teen mother thing going for her. Now how will she get on Teen Fish Mom?]

 

"How is it your fault, Jackie? That doesn't even make sense."

 

[Clappy: Didn’t you hear her? Because she’s worthless.]

"How in the fuck does it not make sense, Bryan? I knew she was sick, I knew she was really sick. But I was too busy being upset about it to get her the help that she needed. So guess what happened? She died! My daughter died, Bryan! And it was my fault! Don't even try and pretend that it wasn't, because we both know that it was!" She started sobbing heavily.

 

[Hayden: I blame the time skip most of all. MOTHERFUCKING BABY KILLING TIME SKIPS, I WILL WRECK YOU!]

 

"Jackie, you're so wrong," said Bryan. "The doctor told you: There's nothing you could've done. It was meant to be, Jackie."

 

[Wumbo: "It was meant to be"? Is this your way of consoling someone? Because if so... try harder, man. My God.]
[Jjs: We're using the M. Night "it was meant to be" logic? With all the M. Night twists in this spin-off, I suppose it was bound to happen.]

[CNF: Dear god Bryan, why are you so much of a scatter brain.]

 

"It was my fault..."

 

[Hayden: You mean it was meant to be your fault.]

[Trophy: 

]

 

 

"No, it wasn't," Bryan said.

 

[Clappy: God how many times are they going to go back and forth about it not being her fault?]

 

"You were a great mother. 

 

[CNF: In what universe?]

 

You did all that you could have been expected to. This self-loathing thing... you just can't do it. We start college in a week. It's time to start new.

 

[Hayden: Start new. Start fresh. You know, they might have never had a college chapter, but the Hayster is a college student now!]

 

I'm not saying you have to get over this... you never will, and I know that. But I think you just have to carry on with your life to the best of your ability."
 

[Trophy: If this did go on longer anyone else bet Jackie would have trouble in college academic wise?]

 

"And how am I supposed to do that?"

"Let your friends in," said Bryan. "Let us help you. We love you, Jackie. I love you."

 

[Wumbo: "Not in a coming-on-to-you way, of course... because that's totally not what I'm doing. Coming on to you. Totally not doing that."]

[Hayden: How many chapters before Bryan would have boned her again had this story not ended here?]

[CNF: Just have jex already. And then knock her up.]

[Clappy: Bryan x Jackie.  Does anyone actually want to see them together?]

[Jjs: Plenty Clappy, clearly the same audience who constantly took their precious time to read every episode of this back when it was number 1...which was obviously Steve and Hobo from the Bus Station. *cue audience cheering* Brave souls you two were.]

[steve: Yeah, I was really bored and binge-read the entire series while on an airplane once. Looking back, I think I wasted a few hours of my life.]

[Hobo from the Bus Station: I did it because I was promised change, and never got any. :( ]

 

~~~

Naomi was in her room after dinner, posting on Fishbook when Veera walked in.

 

[Clappy: Clappy does not like Naomi’s post.]

 

"What the hell was that?" Veera asked.

 

[Wumbo: "You saw the meme I posted? Not a fan, huh?"]

"What?"

"You asked him if we had sex yet! And you were completely inappropriate for the entire dinner."

 

[Trophy: That's a new thing?]

[Hayden: The prim and proper term is Jex, shut up Veera, you obnoxious hypocrite of a mother. Naomi is always right.]

 

"He's a bore, Mom," Naomi said. "And you know what that means? You're a gold-digger, as always!

 

[Wumbo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QL_o-6_N3SY ]

[Hayden: Every character is a bore so I guess everyone is a gold digger.]

[Kanye West: Yo motherfuckers, I thought the musical ended. If you gonna name one of my songs, there better be a goddamn musical with it.]

[Clappy: And you are a psychopath drug addicted whore.]

 

That's the only reason you're dating him. He's ugly, he's boring, he has no redeemable qualities besides the fact that he's rich."

 

[Jjs: And unlikeable Bitch Naomi is back everyone. It was too good to be true.]
[Hayden: Boring was one insult, but Naomi has to add the superficial element into it to really get her point across.]

 

"Maybe that's more of an issue with you than with him," said Veera. "Because you know what, Naomi? He is a nice man, and he cares about me. And I care about him."

 

[Clappy: Veera stop. You know Naomi is just going to let all of that float over her head because your daughter dates only guys for their nice asses.]

 

"Bullshit," said Naomi. "Maybe he is a nice guy. But I know you, and you're totally shallow. You only date guys because they're hot, or because they're rich. And he's definitely not hot, Mom!"

[Jjs: And this is coming from the Naomi who only dated David for his "nice ass"...]
[Hayden: The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.....]

 

"Get out," Veera said quietly, in almost a whisper, just loud enough for Naomi to hear.

"What?"

"You heard me, Naomi. Get out. You're just causing trouble right now, and I don't want you here. Go stay with a friend. You can come back in the morning. Enjoy your sleepover."

[Jjs: Is it wrong Veera is the only character I'm rooting for now?]

[Hayden: I'd root for her even more if she kicked Naomi out permanently, but then 70s would force a narrative of sympathy onto Naomi because of his mommy issues.]

[Clappy: Thank you Veera for sticking up for yourself and not letting your bitchy daughter boss you around for once. Highlight of the episode.]

[Naomi: Do I HAVE to enjoy it?]

 

~~~

Morgan and Richard were sitting in a booth at Red Lobster (it's different underwater)

 

[Wumbo: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. YOU brought it up, YOU were too lazy to think of something else, so YOU need to help us suspend our disbelief. "It's different underwater" is not enough. If you're going to post something, think about it FIRST, rather than having to come up with an afterthought.]

[Jjs: Either way, he fucked himself over with that reference. Why would FISH be eating LOBSTERS? God forbid if Larry went there, and yes I mean the lobster, not Jake's dead father who we all keep forgetting existed.]

[Trophy: At least Larry isn't in Bikini Top. Darn cannibals.]

[Clappy: So they aren’t promoting cannibalism? What’s next? Fishsticks aren’t made from actual fish?]

[CNF: Great, 70s referenced the best seafood restaurant I've ate at. Fuck you.]

[Hayden: He couldn't think of any other restaurant? Really? Just say the Smoothie Shack then.]

 

having a good time over dinner.

"It's nice, being able to laugh like this," said Morgan.

"Why haven't you been laughing?" Richard asked.

"Well... everyone's been pretty depressed ever since Charlea and Tori died," said Morgan.

 

[Wumbo: "So naturally, I've been feigning depression so as not to attract suspicion."]

 

"And then you left for the summer. So I've been stuck with misery for a couple of months now, and it's been bringing me down."

"Don't let that happen," said Richard. "What you should do is cheer your friends up."

 

[Wumbo: Great advice, Richie. "Oh, you're depressed? Well, just cheer up then, you silly Billy!"]
[Trophy: What friends?]

 

"I gave up on doing that a long time ago, Richard," Morgan said.

"Call me Dad."

 

[Trophy: Who's this "Dad"?]

 

Morgan was silent. She wasn't comfortable with that. Not yet, anyways.

"How do you think I should try to cheer them up?" she asked.

 

[Trophy: Kill yourself, it's all they do these days. At least they don't have Bikini Top in the afterlife.]

 

"I think that's your call," Richard told her. "They're your friends. You know them better than I do. How's Seth doing?"

 

[Clappy: Making terrible life choices.]

 

"Seth's good," said Morgan. The two of them had gotten much closer over the summer, since they found out they were half-siblings.

 

[Wumbo: *uncontrollable shivering*]

[Jjs: And like I said before...this does make Seth banging Heather very creepy now. Granted Morgan was adopted, but still...]

[CNF: Creepy as fuck.]

 

"Right now he's at the hospital with Heather, finding out the sex of the baby."

"Are they back together, then?"

"Oh, no..."

 

[Clappy: For the life of me I hope not.]

[Jjs: "Oh no..." will be my reaction if they are.]

[CNF: Praise the lord.]

[Hayden: Hallelujah! Wondering where I was this entire scene? Eating at Red Lobster obviously.]

 

~~~

"For the love of God, is that doctor ever going to come back?" Seth asked.

 

[Jjs: For the love of God, is this episode ever going to end?]

"Calm down, it'll be okay," Heather said.

"But what if it's not okay?" Seth asked. He was frantic. "What if our baby dies, just like Charlea? Just like Naomi's baby? What will happen then, Heather? Huh? What the fuck is going to happen then?"

 

[Jjs: This was probably the most over the top and yet somehow passive-aggressive speech of the entire show.]

Heather put her fin on his shoulder and smiled. "Seth," she said. "It's going to be okay. Trust me. He's just making sure our baby is healthy. He'll be back in a second to tell us he is."

"It's a girl," Seth said. "It's a girl and you know it."

Heather laughed. "You wish."

 

[Wumbo: Pointless Scene #3.]

[Hayden: Can't they just want the baby to be the same gender they are so I'm not constantly sketched out by them? I mean I'd still be, but at least it'd feel a lot less intentional on 70s part.]

 

~~~

Kara was sitting on the couch, watching Glee.

 

[Trophy: Screw you. Wait Glee? NO NO NO NO NO!]

[Jjs: HAHA WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE]

[Clappy: :stinkeye: ]

[Wumbo: y9AZHvi_zps0a65aaa6.gif ]

 

"I love that this show has finally made it underwater," she said. "Musicals are amazing."

 

[Hayden: Made it underwater....at least make it some fish themed parody and stay consistent with your logistics.]

[Wumbo: y9AZHvi_zps0a65aaa6.gif ]

 

"Glee is gay," said Arianna.

 

[Wumbo: Nope, that's not going to change anything. In fact, I'm going to add two more of those unimpressed McKayla Maroney gifs in spirit.]
[Hayden: No Arianna, gay is glee! SAY IT WITH ME!]

 

"Sit down, let's watch it," said Kara.

TEN MINUTES LATER

"DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'! HOLD ONTO THAT FEELIN'!" they both sang together.

 

[Wumbo: OH MY GOD]
[Jjs: HAR HAR WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE GOD DAMMIT]

[Hayden: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RidW8C-7eS4 ]

[Trophy: Oh yeah, shouldn't Arianna be going to college as well?]

 

"That show is amazing," said Arianna.

 

[Clappy: :stinkeye: ]

 

"I know," said Kara.

 

[Wumbo: Kill me.]
[CNF: Take me with you Wumbo!]

 

"I wish people actually broke into song in real life," said Arianna. "It was cool when that happened for a few days a while ago, but I wish it was a regular thing."

 

[Wumbo: Seriously, the cyanide pills are right there. Do it.]
[Jjs: DON'T. REMIND. ME. We do not speak of that episode.]

[Hayden: That was the episode that killed Ella, maybe Kara is an evil genius after all instead of a cheesy Glee loving bitch.]

[CNF: Please get me the hell out of here!]

 

"Who says it can't be?" Kara asked deviously.

"I don't know," Arianna shrugged. "Poseidon or something? King Neptune?"

[Jjs: But I thought neither of them existed in this world.]

"Fuck them," said Kara. "Rainn, get over here!"

"Why?" Rainn asked.

"Don't question me!" she said. "We're gonna make everyone sing more!"

[Jjs: No.]
[CNF: No! *starts crying*]

[Hayden: Downright diabolical!]

 

"Why?" Rainn asked again.

"Because it will be fun!" she yelled. "Now get your spineless ass over here and join fins with me! Come on, now!"

 

[Clappy: :stinkeye:]

[Trophy: THE ALL POWERFULL GODDESS EVERYONE, FORCING HER BROTHER'S "SPINELESS ASS" WHICH SHOULD BE FOR ALL THE POLICES EVER SO FAR CREATED, RIGHT THERE EVERYONE!]

 

Rainn sighed and joined hands with his sister. They both began speaking Latin, and the room around them shook.

"Did it work?" Arianna asked.

"Oh, definitely," said Kara. "Now those trolls Molly hangs around with will start singing once a week or so, depending on who needs to do it most."

 

[Hayden: Interesting motivations for a villainess.....guess we would have gotten songs of the week in season 3, hell to the no thank you.]

[Jjs: Wait, trolls? Are we talking about mythical trolls or internet trolls like WhaleBlubber? After seeing how this show has handled mythical creatures, I'd prefer the latter.]

 

"Will there be solos?" Arianna asked.

"Yep," said Kara.

"Duets?"

"Definitely."

 

[Wumbo: I'm sorry, may I interrupt this whimsical moment to ask WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???]
[Jjs: Did...Kara forget she was commanding the vampire army? Is a musical really the most important thing on her mind now...? Sigh...I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss Asstenias.]

[CNF: DEAR GOD MAKE THE PAIN STOP!!!!!! *screams and crashes through the door*]

[Hayden: Good thing this was killed before the music was amped up to infuriating levels.]

 

"Group numbers?"

"You bet your ass."

"Sweet..." Arianna said. "This is going to be a fun year, isn't it?"

 

[Hayden: Truly it will be, next you will cast a spell that makes everyone have pillow fights and pour glitter everywhere! Tee hee hee. Aren't girl villains so cool and hip?]

 

"You bet your ass," Kara repeated.

 

[Wumbo: Sorry 70s, ever since the "Jex" fiasco you pretty much killed any chance of this show developing a catchphrase.]

[Hayden: My ass sounds like a really risk thing to bet.]

 

"Now everyone shut the hell up, I want to start Season 2."

[Jjs: So basically this entire scene only existed as a commercial for Glee, if it wasn't painfully obvious enough, which I'm sure it wasn't.]

[Clappy: There are not enough stinkeyes in the world I can give this painful cross promotion of Glee. You know 70s, if you just wanted to make a Glee spin-off….why didn’t you.]

 

~~~

Jake was sitting in his room, thinking. He had no one.

His mother was dead.

His father was dead.

His grandfather was dead.

 

[Wumbo: ...sucks.]
[CNF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0nmBLTXcyVM ]

 

His grandmother had been dead for a long time.

His father's parents had been dead for as long as he could remember.

His daughter was dead.

Everyone in his family. Dead.

 

[Clappy: But who cares because he toasted once that his friends were more of his family than any of them were. Asshat.]

[Wumbo: I miss the days when 70s tried to depress us more subtly.]
[Jjs: Now I bet Jake will die by the end of this episode or he would've died by the end of the season if it continued.]

[Hayden: We'll never know if you successfully called that one like I called Charlea's death J man.]

 

As he was sitting there, his phone rang. "Hello?"

"Hello, may I speak to Jake Butler?"

"Speaking."

"Tori Butler's last will and testament is being read today," said the fish on the other line. "It's been requested you and Bryan Errin are there, as you two are the only living heirs."

 

[Hayden: Sheesh, she really didn't get out much did she?]

 

"Oh..." Jake said, letting the word hang in the air for a while before he said anything else.

 

[Wumbo: It'll be debated in countless English classes in the future. "Oh." What could it mean? What is the significance?]

 

He breathed as steadily as he could. "Okay, we'll be there. Thank you."

The fish on the other line gave him an address and a time, for which Jake thanked him, then hung up. Jake then resumed his thinking, thinking that his father's death, his grandfather's death, his mother's death, hell, maybe even his daughter's death...

 

[Wumbo: Time to make a one-off joke into a recurring one, I guess... 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUcwo_R_8vk ]

 

they were all because of vampires.

Vampires were worthless piles of undead shit that had to die.

 

[Clappy: Whoa, look out. Jake’s a badass over here…]

[Wumbo: You could use the same description on the rest of the characters, only replace "undead" with living".]
[Jjs: Wait, when was it ever implied vampires had to do with Charlea's death? Does Jake just need someone to blame and wants to pull a Hitler and wipe out the vampire population for unjust reasons?...Actually, I'd be okay with that.]

[Hayden: Is Jake being set up to be Bryan's badass vampire slaying sidekick? We'll call him the UnChosen.]

 

~~~

Brenda and Hersht were hunting when they ran into Dora and Jordin.

 

[Jjs: They still exist?]
[Hayden: But Liam doesn't unless he wants Morgan to be whiny during a scene, which is a constant but isn't as great as the real thing.]

 

"Oh hey you two," said Jordin. "Haven't seen you in a while."

 

[Clappy: The less I see of the vampires, the better.]

 

"Nice to see you, Jordin," said Hersht.

"Nice to see you too," Jordin said and smiled. "Hi Brenda."

"Hi Jordin," said Brenda. "Hi Dora."

"Hi Brenda," Dora said with a scowl.

 

[Jjs: Hello SBMers. Hello SBCers.]
[CNF: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHwq9YHtUes ]

[Hayden: All excellent casual greetings, but none better than Dora's, with which 70s conveyed an extra emotional layer by using that scowl. Bikini Top is up there with The Room for best emotional depth.]

 

"Is something wrong?" Hersht asked Dora.

"As a matter of fact, yeah," said Dora. "I don't think it's very fair that just because you and her are joined at the genitals, you get to stay in a nice cozy house while we have the privilege of sleeping in the woods, when I know for a fact she has at least two extra rooms: her dead daughter's room and the guest room."

Brenda slightly winced at the mention of her 'dead daughter' -- although since she became a vampire, things like that hurt her less.

"Maybe you guys don't have to stay here," said Hersht. "But Brenda's daughter only just found out about our world a couple of months ago. We could ask her how she feels about the possibility of you two moving in... but no promises."

 

[Hayden: You could compel Mikayla to be alright having them stay there, but I guess sticking it in Brenda has always been more important than your vampire superhero squad. Oh, what a long and ridiculous journey you've had Hersht, to killing Bryan's father to sleeping with his dead girlfriend's mother. You're such a card.]

 

"We really don't need to, Hersht," said Jordin.

"Yes we do, sis!" said Dora. "We're filthy! And I keep waking up with sticks in my hair. I may be a vampire, but that doesn't mean I enjoy the outdoors."

"Well, we need to get hunting," said Brenda. "See you two soon."

Brenda and Hersht left.

 

[Wumbo: Not even going to count this one as a pointless scene, because every scene with the vampires is pointless, so to bring it up is quite moot.]
[Hayden: The most compelling season opening plotline yet, will a girl who should already be away at college let a gaggle of vampires inhabit her home? Sounds like a top notch sitcom idea to me if it pans out, eh Chuck?]

 

~~~

("Afraid of Everyone" by The National [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_yskRDrmqI ] plays throughout the scene)

 

Naomi knocked on Miranda's door, and her mother Sophie is at the door.

"Oh, Naomi..." she said.

"Hi Mrs. Allen," said Naomi. "Can I speak with Miranda?"

Reluctantly, Sophie said, "Sure... come on in."

 

[Clappy: Just promise me you won’t shoot her like you did last time you saw her.]
[Hayden: I'd be reluctant too, bad influences on my child and all....]

 

Naomi walked upstairs and knocked on Miranda's bedroom door.

"Oh, Naomi..." said Miranda.

"Hey," said Naomi. "I was just wondering if I could stay here for the night."

"Ah," Miranda said. "Well, um... I don't think so... I don't think you can."

"Why not?"

 

[Clappy: Because you tried to kill me.]

"It's... getting dark."

 

[Wumbo: Great excuse.]

[Hayden: A+++++.]

[Trophy: Full moon again? Oh my god, are you serious?]

 

"Yeah Miranda, that's why I asked to stay the night," said Naomi. "I kind of knew it was getting dark.

 

[Wumbo: Oh, look! Naomi's as done with this shit as I am.]

[Hayden: This still isn't Miranda's problem, Naomi kind of just expects a welcome wagon. I'm sure one of her crack sellers could get her a comfy box anyways.]

 

I just had dinner with my mom's new boyfriend and I wanted to talk with you about it because everyone else is busy."

"My parents don't want anyone staying here tonight," said Miranda. "I'm sorry."

"That doesn't make sense," said Naomi.

 

[Wumbo: "I mean, I'm such a delight to be with! It just doesn't add up."]

[Hayden: Jesus 70s, if you're going to have a character be suspicious, HAVE IT BE FOR ACTUAL SUSPICIOUS REASONS!]

 

"Why tonight?"

"Don't ask me," said Miranda. "I... I don't make the rules, Nay. I wish you could stay and we could talk, but you've got to get out of here before the moon rises."

[Jjs: I can't blame Miranda, it is Naomi.]

[Hayden: Surely you have a better excuse than that Miranda, I mean there are dozens of ways to reject Naomi and you choose that?]

[CNF: Ar-whoooooooooo! Come on Naomi, have some common sense.]

 

"Before the moon rises?" Naomi asked. "Come on Miranda, what the fuck is with that?"

 

[Clappy: No seriously.  What the fuck is that.  Please don’t tell me my one off joke about undersea werewolves is…oh dear god…please no…70s I was only kidding…please…for the life of me…don’t you..]

 

"Please just go..." pleaded Miranda. "Listen, please. We can talk in the morning, but for now I don't feel like dealing with my parents, okay?"

"Your parents... I just don't understand why I have to go," Naomi said.

 

[Wumbo: Uh... Shrek did this better.]

"They don't want anyone staying here."

"My mom kicked me out for the night though," said Naomi. "Where else am I supposed to go? All the guys are busy."

 

[Clappy: Hehe all the guys are busy. They just didn’t want her skank ass over for a late night booty call.]
[Hayden: Sleep in the gutter where you belong you two cent whore!]

 

"Stay with Mikayla," said Miranda. "You guys are friends."

"We haven't talked in a while, though," said Naomi. "She's been kind of distant all summer."

"Well, time to end that, then," said Miranda. "Go see her. Talk. Be friendly. Have a sleepover with her. It'll be fun. The two of us can talk in the morning and I'll - I'll tell you all about why you couldn't stay here tonight."

"Really, you will?"

"Honestly, probably not," said Miranda. "But it's possible."

[Jjs: So she won't tell her...but she still might? CONTRADICTION POLICE!]

[Hayden: Yeah it's possible. It all depends on whether 70s prefers to progress his story or spend 10 more scenes beating around the bush with you two. Now which seems less likely?]

 

~~~

("Baby Fratelli" by The Fratellis [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQXqpNbV174 ] plays throughout the scene)

 

Anna was walking the streets of Coralwood, contemplating Gina's offer. Suddenly, she got a text message from her mother that read: "911".

 

[Wumbo: 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB! THE PROOF IS RIGHT THERE! There, I cap off my riffing career with my most offensive joke. You're welcome.]

She stared at the text curiously, then decided to call her house. No answer.

 

[CNF: Hmm, maybe you should FUCKING CALL 9-1-1.]

 

She called Helen's cell phone. It rang for quite a while, but eventually was picked up.

"This is Helen Barber's phone, Dr. Gosselin speaking."

 

[Mr. Hobo the Bozo: This is Trophy's made up phone, made up persona speaking.]

 

"Dr. Gosselin?" Anna said. "Why is a doctor answering my mother's phone? Is she alright?"

 

[Clappy: It’s Bikini Top. None of these characters are ever “alright”.]

 

"Oh, you must be Anna," said Dr. Gosselin. "I'm from Bikini Top Hospital -- I was actually about to call you. Your mother is here, she fell down the stairs and broke her leg. Her leg is fine, but we need to talk to you about the state her mind is in."
 

[Hayden: Is it in the state of New York?]

 

"Her mind?" Anna asked.

"She seems to have a mental disability," said Dr. Gosselin. "We've hypothesized

 

[Clappy: Okay, stop right there. Doctors don’t use the terminology “hypothesize”. Do you know how much more paranoid the actual world would be if they said such shit like that?]

 

that it's Alzheimer's, but we won't be sure until we run some tests."

 

[Wumbo: Okay, this part's kinda hitting hard, because my grandma has Alzheimer's. But maybe someone could cheer me up by making fun of this scene for me?]

[Hayden: On it Wumbo, um, uh.....ok I've got nothing for once. Except that I hypothesize that 70s won't be able to keep up a serious storyline for very long.]

[Jjs: Maybe I can cheer you up Wumbo with a hilarious spit-take to show the characters are surprised! Where's Jake when you need him?]
[CNF: Well, now it all makes sense why she couldn't remember how to make that spaghetti.]

[Trophy: I KNEW IT WAS THE MIND WIPE! Wait a minute....PLOT HOLE POLICE! Shouldn't Anna have known the mind wipe had something to do with it if she saw Molly do her mind wipe trick on Helen?!]

 

"Alzheimer's?" Anna asked. "But she's too young to have that!"
 

[Hayden: You're too old to have not noticed the warning signs of what was happening to your mother after what Molly did and then leave to go find stardom as a singer without a second thought for anyone but yourself.]

 

"It's uncommon," said Dr. Gosselin, "but not unheard of."

 

[Clappy: Bikini Top motto.]

 

"Well I'm in Coralwood right now," Anna said. "I'll drive there in just a little bit. It should take me about an hour and a half. Can it wait until then?"

"By then we should have a proper diagnosis," said Dr. Gosselin.

 

[Clappy: CSI: Bikini Top team is on the case since this normally takes at least a couple days…not a couple hours.]

 

"Perfect," said Anna. "See you then, doc."

 

[Jjs: I'm kind of glad we probably wouldn't have seen where this arc went. After 70s fucked up Molly and Anna, I don't trust him to write a disabled character.]

[Hayden: I think this was a ploy to get Molly and Anna closer together again so it would have been double the trouble *shudders*]

 

~~~

("This Is Not the Answer" by Jon Black [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h50vtuhIaaE ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Yeah, it doesn't look like I am getting any answers to most of the questions this spin-off has raised.]

[Hayden: Which I should answer in my own bootleg parody of Bikini Top Season 3. Yay or nay folks?!]

 

Bryan got home and took off his shoes. Jake was waiting for him in the living room.

"We have to go and hear Mom's will tomorrow," said Jake.

"We?"

"We. You were her son, too."

"You think?"

 

[Hayden: Jake doesn't think. Why would you think that I think that Jake thinks?]

 

"I know," Jake said somberly.

 

[Clappy: I don’t.]

 

"Does that depress you or something?" Bryan asked.

 

[Wumbo: Okay, Jake. Just give him the correct answer!]

"No..." said Jake.

 

[Wumbo: Ooh, so close! But just for future reference, your answer should have been "yes".]

 

"Everything depresses me right now, but I'm fine with you being like a son to her. It was obvious. We were both her sons."

 

[Jjs: So Jake is emo now? I call a cutting scene soon then!]
[Hayden: Has that been done yet? Oh well, I hope the blood attracts some ravenous sharks! Positive thinking!]

 

"Yeah," said Bryan. "What time do we have to go?"

"7 AM," said Jake.

"Damn, that's early," said Bryan. "At least it's not as early as Glinda makes me get up to train sometimes. 

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Glinda still exists.]

[CNF: I honestly forgot too. Now, is this training secretly love making?]

[Hayden: Can the Chosen get enough training to stop the Morrigans from forcing a musical number out of one of them each week? The stakes are still so high!]

 

Well, guess we'll have to get to bed early tonight. We have a busy morning tomorrow. Have you eaten dinner?"

"No."

"Lunch?"

"No."

"How about breakfast?" Bryan asked.

"No."

 

[CNF: For shame! It is the most important meal of the day after all.]

[Hayden: Is Jake-Bot 3000 broken again? It needs its supplements to survive. It especially needs beverages in order to pull off its signature gag.]

 

"Jake, you have to eat.

 

[Clappy: Or at least come up with compelling dialogue.]

 

A few crackers every day isn't enough. 

 

[Jjs: Hey! I know Jake is depressed, but don't start eating us white folk!]

 

I know you're sad, but starving yourself isn't the way to get over this," Bryan sighed. "And neither is staying in the house, not talking to anyone, only leaving to go to the cemetery."
 

[Hayden: So Bryan is the one giving this speech? That's either hypocrisy or a complete 180 for his character.]

 

"Let me grieve however the hell I want to grieve."

"Jake, this isn't healthy."

"Maybe I don't need to be healthy right now, Bryan," said Jake.

 

[Wumbo: Yeah, Bryan! Let him dictate his own death.]

[Hayden: Maybe he just wants some McDonald's Bryan. That will cure his mother's death in no time. I don't think 70s has ever parodied that underwater oddly enough.]

 

"Last June I lost two of the most important people in my life, it's going to take more than a couple of months to get over that."

 

[Clappy: It only took Bryan two minutes to get over deaths in his family. You probably have a similar time trajectory.]

 

"But you're never going to get over it if you don't try to, Jake," said Bryan. "Now come on, let's go to Lexington's or something, I'm starving."
 

[Hayden: What the fuck is Lexington's? *googles* Aside from a city in Kentucky.]

 

"Go by yourself," Jake said. "I don't want to go out."

"Of course you don't," Bryan shrugged. "I'm just going to make some soup. And you're eating it, got it?"

 

[Clappy: This soup is Chosen One approved.]

 

"Whatever you say, Dad."

[Jjs: Dad? I'm pretty sure Jackie didn't get pregnant again, but then again, it is Bikini Top, so I wouldn't be surprised if that had happened for Season 3.]

[Hayden: Now Jake-Bot 3000 can't tell the difference between Bryan and Larry. He must really be on the fritz!]

 

~~~

("Tea For Two" by Yael Meyer [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7uYuTqn4Jw ] plays throughout the scene)

 

The doctor re-entered the room.

"So, what's up doc?" Seth said in what was supposed to be a Bugs Bunny impression, but failed because of how nervous he was.

 

[Wumbo: SOF, 70s ripped you off. Sue him.]

[Trophy: Oh my god, he's even making the references fail within the show now, he's officially given up everybody!]

[Jjs: Okay, I let it pass the first time, but if 70s is going to force in cartoon references ATTWL 3 style, then...]

[Daffy Duck: Haha, very funny.]

[bugs Bunny: *munches on a carrot* Hey, this piece of shit is stealing my catchphrase! I'm gettin' my lawyas.]

[Elmer Fudd: Damn wabbit fish and their bad jokes.]

 

"Is everything okay, Dr. Heisen-?"

 

[Clappy: -berg?]

 

"You two have nothing to worry about," said Dr. Heisen. She smiled. "You have a healthy baby boy coming in just about four months. That's certainly nothing to worry about, is it?"
 

[Hayden: I'm worried, specifically for the child. SELF ABORT, SELF ABORT, CODE RED, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!]

 

"That's amazing!" Heather said.

Seth grinned, and breathed heavily. "Oh thank god."

 

"I'll let you two go now," said Dr. Heisen. "See you in a month or so for your next check-up. But first..." She handed Seth a picture of the ultrasound.

"Wow..." said Seth. He handed it to Heather.

"Yeah," Heather said. "Wow."

 

[Jjs: ACTION, DIALOGUE! This spin-off has neither!]
[CNF: Dayum.]

 

~~~

Naomi knocked on the door of Mikayla's house. Mikayla answered.

"Oh, Naomi..." Mikayla said. "Hi."

"Hi," said Naomi. "It's been a while."

"It definitely has," said Mikayla. "Come on in."

 

[Jjs: Thrilling.]

~~~

Anna arrived at the hospital.

"Where's Helen Barber?" she asked the woman at the front of the hospital. "I'm her daughter, Anna. I need to see her now."

"Room 229," said the woman.

Anna ran to the elevator and got upstairs, making her way to room 229. She opened the door up right away, to see Helen sleeping.

"Shh," said Dr. Gosselin, who was now standing at the door.

 

[Elmer Fudd: Shh, be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting fish.

 

...hey, might as well get one last cartoon reference in.]

"Dr. Gosselin," said Anna. "Do you have the results?"

"As a matter of fact, I do," he said.

"And?" Anna asked.

The doctor sighed. "Your mother has Alzheimer's disease."

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: Wha...no, just no, I can't even say it this time.]

"Oh..." said Anna. "Well that's not good."

 

[Jjs: No shit Sherlock.]
[Hayden: I thought that was excellent news, thanks for being so astute Anna!]

 

"No," said the doctor. "It's not."

 

[Wumbo: Ugh.]

[Clappy: Fuck this scene. I’m glad this was the last episode because I could only imagine how offensively they would fuck up Alzheimer’s.]

[CNF: *bangs head on desk for the billionth time on this show*

 

I should really stop doing that.]

 

~~~

"Well, here we are," Richard said. 

 

[Jjs: 44 episodes later and still no clear story!]

 

"You're home."
 

[Trophy: And I'm homosexual, what's the point here?]

 

"Thanks for dinner," said Morgan. "I think I'm going to go and see Jake. He deserves to feel better, even if we're not together right now I can't stand to see him so broken."

 

[Hayden: His circuitry needs a healthy dose of Jex to spark up and you haven't given it to him all summer!]

 

"That's a great idea, Morgan," said Richard. "See you soon."

"How soon?" Morgan asked.

"We'll see."

 

[Jjs: You'll be lucky if Richard is even alive by the next time you see him.]
[Hayden: Inb4 Liam is also Richard's son!]

 

~~~

("Street Spirit" by Radiohead [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7i-R2WM3tNM ] plays throughout the scene)

 

"So, what do you think?" Hersht asked Brenda.

 

[Wumbo: Oh good, another freakin' vampire scene. *fast forward*]

"What do I think?" Brenda asked.

"About Dora and Jordin moving into the house."

"Jordin I'm fine with," Brenda said. "She's great, and pleasant to be around. Dora, however, is... well..."

"A pain in the ass?"

 

"There you go."

 

[Clappy: Well, technically all of you are pains in my ass.]

[Trophy: I knew she should've kept the bad grammar. :( ]

[Hayden: Just teach her some English and she'll be as pleasant as a clam. COME ON, VAMANOS!]

 

"Well, honey, they're kind of a package deal," said Hersht. "We can't help Jordin out but not Dora. It would be wrong."

"Plenty of the things Dora did were pretty wrong," Brenda said. "Everyone conveniently forgets that she used to work for Astenias, you know -- the vampire who was trying to kill all of us, who took control of your life."

 

[Hayden: Brenda never even fucking met Astenias.]

 

"I worked for him too," Hersht reminded her.

"Yes, but you didn't enjoy it like you said she did," Brenda countered.

 

[Clappy: Um….when the fuck was this established?]

"I don't know if I want that kind of energy around Alex. Or Mikayla, for that matter."
 

[Hayden: Turn Alex into a vampire baby and see where that goes. I am chock full of great ideas. 70s should have consulted me more often with his writing decisions.]

 

"I think it will be fine," said Hersht.

"Of course you do."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," said Brenda.

"That doesn't mean nothing," said Hersht.

"Yes, it does," Brenda said defensively. "It doesn't mean anything at all, Hersht. All I'm saying is that I'd rather not have two vampires living in my home."

"Well I hate to break it to you Brenda, but you already do."

 

[Wumbo: Jesus Christ, that was truly nothing of importance, even for a vampire scene. Mike & Molly has more harrowing drama than this. Anyway... next scene.]

[CNF: I'll admit that last joke made me laugh...but only cause it's lulzy.]

[Jjs: Can Kara just kill this gang already?]

[Hayden: Keeping them alive has been her most villainous move yet.]

[Clappy: These vampires still have a purpose? I mean I get that this is just more filler fodder but Jesus.]

 

~~~

Miranda is chained down in her cellar, she starts howling and turns into a werewolf.

 

[Wumbo: Just another Tuesday in Bikini Top.]

[Hayden: Oh thanks, I totally thought she didn't want Naomi to stay the night for some other sort of reason, just like I never expected Naomi to go over to Mikayla's house like Miranda suggested.]

[Jjs: Hey Clappy, remember when you said in the Christmas Lights two-parter you would lose your mind when 70 had werewolves pop the fuck out of nowhere?...

 

...Welp, this is all yours.]

[Clappy: …my god…he actually did it.

 

ydS81eT.gif

 

….I’m not ranting. I’m just glad this is the last episode.]

 

~~~

Seth dropped Heather off at her house.

"Heather, I'm sorry for the way I've been acting all day... and since before that," Seth said. "It's not doing either of us any good and it's childish."

 

[Clappy: Hehe childish because…baby.]
[Hayden: You have the excuse of just getting out of high school.]

 

"No, I'm sorry," said Heather. "I've been acting no better."
 

[Hayden: Sadly you don't though Ms. Droopy Fish Tits.]

 

"Okay, so we're both sorry," said Seth.

"I suppose we are, aren't we?"

"Yeah..." said Seth.

There was silence for a while, until eventually Seth kissed Heather. She blushed, then ran inside.

 

[Wumbo: Oh good, I haven't gotten one of these babies out in a while: EW EW EW EW EW EW]

[Hayden: I'm even more freaked out by her acting like a schoolgirl about a goddamn kiss. I need a shower now.]

[CNF: DEAR GOD NO NOW IT'S PRACTICALLY INCEST EW NO FUCK NO.]

[Jjs: JCM, that's gross!]

[Clappy: She blushed…then ran inside….YOU ARE NEARLY 40 YEARS OLD DAMMIT. STOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING TEENAGER. GOD, WHY THE FUCK DID THEY HAVE TO GET BACK TOGETHER AGAIN?]

 

~~~

"I can't take care of her," Anna said.

 

[Wumbo: Whoa, okay there. Choppier than a Family Guy cutaway gag, but okay.]

[Hayden: Well of course you can't Anna, you can't even take care of yourself, starting to understand where Molly was coming from in your arguments.]

 

"Obviously I have to stay here now... good thing BTU accepted me and I can fall back on them... but that means I'll have classes to take, and I'd still like to have something resembling a social life."

 

[Clappy: Because how dare she have to watch over her mother who helped raise her when she needed her most.]

[Hayden: So she was destined to stay in Bikini Top, glad her singing career lasted one full gig and went nowhere. But derp at her valuing her social life over her own mother's safety when it's entirely her and Molly's fault to begin with.]

 

"Maybe you could hire a caretaker," said Dr. Gosselin. "Someone who can look after your mother. It's not good for her to be alone, even this early on in the disease."

"Our insurance wouldn't cover that," said Anna. "And we don't have the money."

"I'm sure you can figure something out," said Dr. Gosselin.

 

[Hayden: So Molly is stuck with that task obviously.]

 

"I sure hope so," Anna said. "When can she get out of here?"

"Tomorrow afternoon, I'd say," said Dr. Gosselin. "Her leg should heal up fine in about a month. It's only a minor break."

"Alright then," Anna said. "I'm just going to go home and unpack my things, then I'll be right back here to spend the night."

"Are you sure you want to do that?"

 

[Hayden: Just a tad unprofessional to ask that.]

 

"Positive," said Anna. "See you in a few hours."

~~~

The next morning, Molly was sitting at home when she got a text from Anna: "hey, we should talk"

 

[Clappy: I’d rather they not.]

 

Molly didn't know how she felt about it. She was slowly beginning to get over Anna... but if Anna wanted to talk, maybe they should.

 

[Jjs: Will they talk!? Find out next time, folks!]
[CNF: Too bad there isn't a next time. Oh wait, that's a good thing, my mistake.]

[Hayden: He's lying, something as big as that is being reserved for the season finale!]

[Trophy: Can't you mind wipe yourself of Anna like you did to her of Trey?]

 

~~~

Bryan and Jake exited the lawyer's office. Jake had acquired the house, and half of his mother's money. Bryan got the other half of the money, and her possessions.

 

[Wumbo: Ah, it's good to have that all settled.]
[Hayden: Free stuff! Nice! I guess Tori was good for something after all, now our protagonists, and I use the term loosely, don't need to get actual jobs to survive in the real world!]

 

In the boatmobile, Bryan said, "So, Morgan wants to see you."

"Does she?" Jake asked quietly.

"She does," Bryan said. "She's waiting at the house, actually."

"Great," said Jake. "And I wonder what she wants to talk about..."

"You know," said Bryan.

 

[Hayden: How Jexually deprived she's felt without someone like Liam or Jake to go down on her?]

 

"Yes, I know she's going to be the hundredth friend of mine to tell me it's time to get over my mother and my daughter dying and the fact I have no family left.

"Jake," said Bryan, "we're family."

 

[Clappy: Which means you will all die.]

[Hayden: *blows nose in tissue* I'm sorry, their brotherly bond is just too deep and emotionally complex to not find myself tearing up over. It can't be over, they have to kiss, make up, and become the closest thing to an incestuous pair!]

 

~~~

("You Are A Tourist" by Death Cab for Cutie [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UM4Mmd2y4nE ] plays throughout the scene)

 

[Hayden: I would not pay any amount of money to tour this Hellmouth.]

 

Naomi and Mikayla were making themselves breakfast while Hersht and Brenda were still in bed.

 

[Clappy: Oh wow, just what I need. Boring as fuck vampires and my least favorite character on this show. Moving on.]

 

"So... you've been quiet all summer because you found out your mom is a vampire, and she's dating one?" Naomi reviewed the information from the previous night.
 

[Hayden: Again, these people keeping their traps shut for such a long span of time is not believable!]

 

"You bet," said Mikayla. "And Bryan basically has to kill vampires, Anna is a witch, and Molly is a goddess?"

"That's the gist of it."

"That's crazy," said Mikayla.

[Jjs: Crazy isn't the word I'd use. Boring, maybe, unoriginal, definitely.]

"You don't even know the half of it," Naomi laughed. "Anyways, are you still going to Bikini Top University when it starts in a couple weeks?"

 

[Wumbo: Bikini Top, where the supernatural turns natural.]

"I'm not sure," said Mikayla.

"What?" Naomi asked. "Why not?"

"I got a job offer in Rock Bottom," said Mikayla.

 

[Jjs: I'm wondering if this job involves whoring herself out.]
[Hayden: She'd really hit rock bottom. *rimshot*]

 

"What?" Naomi asked. "That's amazing!"

"Yeah," Mikayla said. "One of my old boyfriends got it for me. I'd write for Rock Bottom Magazine. But I don't know if I want to leave."

 

[Wumbo: Yes, you do. The answer to that question is always "yes".]
[Jjs: Sure, have fun "writing magazines" there, Mikayla.]

[CNF: Writing magazine articles by day, being in "bed" by night.]

[Hayden: No college education, if she truly is writing articles for a magazine let's hope it has less grammatical errors and spelling issues than this beloved spinoff.]

 

"A job at Rock Bottom Magazine is a pretty huge opportunity, Mikayla," Naomi told her. "Are you sure you'd want to pass something like that up? It could be life-changing."

"I guess so," said Mikayla.

"You guess?" Naomi said. "Mikayla, that's a big deal. You have to go."

"But wouldn't you miss me?"

 

[Hayden: Not particularly, hell I miss Temperance more and she's awful, but at least she had some semblance of a personality given to her.]

 

"Of course I would. But we could still talk, and I'd know that you were out doing what makes you happy. I... can tell you haven't been happy here in a long time."

 

[Wumbo: It's hard to be happy in Depresso-ville, and no one knows it better than the residents themselves.]

"You're right," Mikayla said. "Ever since Temperance died it's been pretty rough living here. 

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Temperance died.]

[CNF: Whoa, I was wondering if anyone remembered her.]

[Hayden: The whole living with vampire parents all summer long thing was no big deal though.]

 

Before then, even. Bikini Top just brings back memories about my dad, and when he died... and when he cheated on my mom. You know, memories I'd like to forget."

"I can see why," Naomi said. "At least you knew your dad."

 

[Wumbo: "My life sucks more than yours!"]
[Hayden: Goddamnit Naomi, if you really want to have a good sob story you have to commit to making your life as terrible as possible. Do that for us please.]

 

"At least I did."

"So... what do you think you're going to do?"

"I think I'm leaving Bikini Top," Mikayla said. "For good."

 

[Trophy: Whoo!]

[Wumbo: Atta girl, Mikayla. Never give up hope.]

[Hayden: Just in time, Mikayla might have the only happy ending of the series!]

[CNF: Mikayla is automatically the best character on this show ever.]

[Jjs: Jeez, I knew this spin-off was bad, but when the characters decide to leave it for good, you know it's bad.]

[Clappy: Goodbye Mikayla. It was a pleasure not learning a damn thing about you.]

 

~~~

Jake walked into the house and spotted Morgan.

 

[Wumbo: Crikey! Hayr cams a Morgan, in me natural habitat.]

"I'll leave you two alone," said Bryan, and he walked upstairs, where he saw Seth.

 

[Wumbo: "Aw man, I was trying to avoid an awkward situation!"]

"Oh hey Seth," said Bryan.

 

[Wumbo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5utc5TOPNbo ]

"Bryan!" Seth said. "I have news."

"You told me last night that it's a boy."

"Yeah, but there's something I didn't tell you last night..." Seth said.

"What didn't you tell me?" Bryan asked.

"I kissed Heather."

 

[Wumbo: So where's the good news, Seth?]

[Hayden: You kissed the mother of your child?! How mind blowing!]

[Jjs: So I guess this creepy as fuck plotline would've continued in Season 3...yeah, now I am really glad S3 was dead on arrival.]

[Clappy: Bleh.]

 

~~~

Meanwhile downstairs, Morgan was about to start comforting Jake, but instead she started singing "Advice" by Christina Grimmie [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3SqVnAfoiM ].

 

[Wumbo: ...What the fuck?]

[Trophy: Oh yeah, that spell from earlier with Kara.]

[CNF: Well, she pulled that right out of her ass. Kara, why have you cursed us all.]

[Clappy: I wouldn’t take advice from a girl who sings YouTube covers for a living.]

[Hayden: Fuck your feelings Jake, it's musical number time! *rings a bell* And if you don't sing, Kara will murder you!]

 

"Don't look down.
Because it's easier falling from force.
Just letting it take natures course,
and picking it up when it's over.

 

[Wumbo: No, but seriously, what the-]

Don't be afraid.
'Cause the chances are there for the take.

 

[Wumbo: WHAT IS GOING ON? What the fuck is actually going on? Morgan tries to comfort Jake, but instead she breaks out into song? Good Lord, Glee isn't this hackneyed! Oh my God. Oh my God, I finally did it. I found something worse than Glee! Congratulations, 70s. Congratulations! Truly, the work of an avant-garde composer that none of us could have anticipated could only create something this terrible. God bless America.

 

...seriously though, the fuck?]

[Jjs: *sigh* I was kidding about the song quota, but if the spin-off insists, go ahead. After the hell that was 41, I'm going to just fast-forward any pasted song lyric scenes.]

[Hayden: Wise choice J-man, and the same to the rest of you, but don't take my advice!]

 

But treasure the choices you make,

 

[Wumbo: Yeah, I'll treasure the choice I'm making right now: *fast forwards through song*]

[CNF: I'm glad everyone has come to their senses. *fast forwards as well*]

 

and know when you must take it slower.

You may think you've had it rough,
and try to give it up.
But when you think your stuck,
Just go another way!

Don't let go of good times, 
and let the bad ones know you feel fine.
And wear your heart out on your sleeve,
'Cause love is all, love is all you need.

Don't be rushed.
'Cause hurrying causes mistakes,
and make sure to give more than take,
and sharing yourself bring you closer

You may think you've had it rough,
and try to give it up.
But when you think, your stuck. 
Just go another way!

Don't let go of good times,
and let the bad ones know you feel fine,
and wear your heart out on your sleeve.
'Cause love is all you need.

Feel with all your senses.
Make sure to let down your defenses.
There just one way to make you see,
that love is all, love is all you need.

Ooh Ooh 
Ooh ooh.

Ohh,
Ohh oh.

Take a chance now,
'Cause it's easy.
Take a chance now for you and me.

Take a chance now, 
You can reach it!
Take a chance for me!

Hehe.

 

[Hayden: What's so funny bitch?]

 

Don't let go of good times, 
and let the bad ones know you feel fine,
and wear your heart out on your sleeve.
Love is all, love is all you need.

Feel with all your senses,
Make sure to let down your defenses.
There's just one way to make you see,
That love is all, love is all you need.

Oh! It's all you need!
Love is all,
Love is all,
Love is all you need...
"

Jake got up and kissed Morgan.

 

[Wumbo: ...BUH? What the... BUH? GUH? DUH? UH? WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! WHY DID JAKE KISS MORGAN IT MAKES NO SENSE URRRRRGH]

[Hayden: BECAUSE LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED, PAY ATTENTION WUMBO, SONGS HAVE POWER! But really I think it just comes down to Jake being insanely horny.]

[CNF: Who What When Where Why How *faints*]

[Clappy: Awfully forced scene aside, wasn’t this what Bryan was just telling Jake throughout the whole fucking episode? Because Morgan has boobs means Jake will actually listen to her?]

 

~~~

("Heartbeats" by Jose Gonzalez [ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A20rx8VQnTE ] plays throughout the end montage)

 

[Wumbo: The final end montage. *sniffs* It's almost poetic. Almost.]

[Clappy: HALLE FUCKING LUJAH]

[CNF: IT'S FINALLY ALMOST OVER. HOLY SHIT YES.]

[Hayden: My heart is racing. End montages are a classic writing staple that will be passed down from generation to generation thanks to this man.]

[Jjs: The final end montage of the series can't be final without a pointless line or two, calling it n-]

 

Bryan and Seth talk in Seth's room.

 

[Wumbo: Yes! Pointless details!]

[Hayden: About Heather's cooties?]

[Jjs: Well, that was fast. Pointless Line #1.]

[Clappy: Good riddance you fucking assholes.]

 

Miranda wakes up, still chained up in the cellar, naked and dirty.

 

[Wumbo: Yes! Disturbing fetish imagery!]

[CNF: I guess she likes it rough.]

[Trophy: PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT!]

[Hayden: Transforming into a werewolf can really do a number on your personal hygiene.]

[Clappy: Fare thee well more than likely awful werewolf subplot.]

[Jjs: ...THIS IS A FETISH FANFIC. Since we're at the final episode, and after reading everything through, I've finally came to this conclusion. Think about it. From all of the awkward sex descriptions, always describing the make-out scenes in-depth, to constantly describing characters as naked, this spin-off gets a big fat FETISH FANFIC label. Well done, what a way to go out.]

 

Anna knocks on Glinda's door.

 

[Wumbo: Yes! Actions!]

[Hayden: Witch training, maybe that wouldn't have gone to waste! Oh who am I kidding?]

[Jjs: Pointless Line #2.]

[Clappy: Move bitch. Get out the way.]

[Trophy: PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT! PORNO ALERT! Why did the Pedophile Police have to retire?]

 

Molly texts Anna: "when do we have to talk?"

 

[Wumbo: Yes! Grammatically incorrect texts!]
[Jjs: Pointless Line #3.]

[Clappy: Who cares? Not me.]

[Hayden: "At this exact moment because the series is about to en-"]

 

Jackie talks to Sarah about how she's feeling.

 

[Wumbo: Dialogue sequences without dialogue? YES! YES! I DID IT! I WON BIKINI TOP END MONTAGE BINGO!]

[Hayden: OO, OO, I WANT TO PLAY! Characters who weren't relevant at all in this chapter suddenly getting a pointless status update!]

[Clappy: Bye Jackie! Too bad no cares about you.]

 

Jordin and Dora move into Brenda's house.

 

[Clappy: Vampires. I would say I’ll miss you…but that would mean you actually did something worthwhile.]

[Hayden: Previous source of conflict spanning an entire scene wrapped up in one line with no explanation!]

 

Mikayla tells Brenda she's moving.

[Jjs: I can't even count the pointless lines in this anymore. You could probably make a trading card game out of how many pointless things there were in this spin-off.]

[CNF: Okay, I'll trade you a boring vampire scene card for a sex scene card.]

[Random Kid: It's a deal!]

[CNF: Heh heh sucker.]

[Clappy: And I’m moving on…I’m coming.]

[Hayden: Character decision of semi-importance not getting a hashed out scene!]

 

Naomi returns home and Veera hugs her, apologizing to her for making her leave. Chris is there as well, and welcomes Naomi back.

 

[Clappy: Naomi. I’ll miss you least of all. *flicks off*]

[Jjs: And I guess we'll never know if that was Christopher Walken. It would've made this spin-off better if so.]

[Hayden: So they all lived terribly ever after for not having the guts to throw Naomi out on the streets! She'd still have crack you wimps. But whoopty doo, the end.]

 

Heather stares at the photo of the ultrasound.

 

[Clappy: Good riddance disturbingly awful shipping.]

[CNF: I shall name it The Baby That Was And Never Will Be Born.]

[Hayden: A moment of Heather being creepy, along with my free space that's a bingo! Guess we tied Wumbo. Good game, good game.]

 

Jake and Morgan sit across from each other awkwardly.

 

[Wumbo: For all of Bikini Top's faults, the last word does sum up the spin-off quite well.]

[Clappy: And not a single fuck was given this day.]

[Hayden: Since kissing isn't that awkward, I'll assume they had one final round of Jex to make everything go full circle.]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP
"Such Small Hands" by La Dispute
"Prettiest Thing" by Oh Darling
"Taking Chances" by Celine Dion [sung by Anna]
"Distant Sures" by The Cave Singers
"Afraid of Everyone" by The National
"Baby Fratelli" by The Fratellis
"This Is Not the Answer" by Jon Black
"Tea For Two" by Yael Meyer
"Street Spirit" by Radiohead
"You Are A Tourist" by Death Cab For Cutie
"Advice" by Christina Grimmie [sung by Morgan]
"Heartbeats" by Jose Gonzalez

---

As always, please try to review. Next episode coming soon. 

 

[Hayden: Bullshit. I'm devastated you would end with not even a hint of consideration for fans like me. Time to take your story into my own hands, it will come out alongside Secret Agent Snail Season 2! Just you wait.]

[Trophy: Well, I'll miss this show actually, due to it getting more boring than bad in the end, that's all I can really say.]

[Wumbo: So, Bikini Top. Well, it's not exactly tops with me. I get the feeling that 70s was at least trying for the most part, but that feeling slowly started to dwindle away as I got slapped in the face with lazy writing again and again. While I commend him for touching on controversial topics, I don't think the execution went very well. It's just a shame that this series never got a proper ending. Where all the characters die in a fiery plane crash. FIRE UNDERWATER, AMIRITE?!

Well, so long riffing community, it's been a slice. And I'll spend forever trying to wash that image of Mrs. Puff and Linus out of my head.]

[Jjs: So that is FINALLY all folks. While it's not the worst thing we've riffed, this sure has a LOT of problems. I'll give 70s credit where it is due and can tell he was at least trying, so it's not technically the worst thing ever. But sadly, effort doesn't always equal gold, as this spin-off should teach future authors. While it has a few lulzy moments and a few decent episodes (but not many), and it's not as bad as I was making it out to be, it still doesn't work. If the spin-off had stuck to the Season 1 format, it probably would've gone better. Season 1 wasn't amazing or anything, but it at least had a story going for it with its high school drama plot, even if the characters still had problems. Sadly, Season 2 was an utter train-wreck. I didn't mind the vampire plot at first, but once they stopped having a purpose, I could see why this spin-off got criticized so much for it. It seems like 70s just threw them in to be edgy, but never really knew what he was doing with them. The original characters we had to sit through were unbearably awful and too unlikable to root for, the emotional scenes don't work, half the sub-plots go nowhere, the side characters add nothing to the story, the stories became extremely inconsistent, incoherent, got bogged down with too many fillers and plot holes, never had proper conclusions or were abandoned (*coughLiamcough*), and the ones that did get "resolved" had extremely unsatisfying conclusions like Naomi/Trevor, Astenias, David, and Molly/Anna. Molly and Anna's relationship was badly broken up, as was Naomi and Trevor's, we never found out why Kara wanted to kill Molly, we never got anymore info on what David's deal was, Astenias had an extremely anti-climatic death for the main villain, and even that became pointless once Kara didn't do anything either. I'll give 70s the benefit of the doubt and say maybe he had planned to expand on some of them like David, Kara, and Liam in Season 3, but since that never panned out, we'll never know. Season 3 itself didn't look much better if it was going to focus on werewolves. As for the "SpongeBob" theme of the spin-off, once you get down to it, it was extremely pointless to even include it from the start, since the SpongeBob characters never did anything, and ended up being abandoned by the end. In fact, the real irony is, it didn't even need to be "underwater". But honestly, even if you looked at this as a literature, it still would've had the unbearable characters, the flawed writing in general, and the vampire/werewolf stories are basically done everywhere now, so it doesn't work as a spin-off, wouldn't work as a literature, and just doesn't work altogether. It definitely did not deserve its #1 spot back in the day, and it just hasn't aged very well. So bon voyage Bikini Top, it has (not) been a pleasure riffing you. At least I'll never have to see Heather and Seth again.]

[Clappy: Freedom. Sweet sweet freedom. Woo! Bikini Top wasn’t the worst spin-off ever, but it was by far the most tedious. If it wasn’t for 4EverGreen’s giant walls of text he calls spin-offs, this would be the poster child for why spin-offs have don't need to be this long. At least Season 1 was trying to be compelling. Season 2 was absolute hell. Probably the worst season of any spin-off I’ve ever read (series don’t count like ATTWL v3, etc.) It started to turn into teenage drama fanfic porn. All the supernatural creatures, all the tedious songs, all the unnecessary drama. This was just a massive clusterfuck. Thanks for allowing me to riff Jjs. Hopefully the next project is worth the wait.]

[CNF: IT'S FINALLY OVER! JOY TO THE WORLD! HALLELUJAH! *prints off spin-off, pours gas on it, lights a match, throws match onto paper, explosion* So overall, this was horrible. It was just too fucking boring to hold my interest for even a minute. I hope these characters are never resurrected. They all deserve to be burned at the stake.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzHfPN2SC1I ]

 

Edited by jjsthekid
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Patty Daddy:

 

1. The New Fry Cook:

 

Spoiler

Ep 1:

 

[Jjs: Welcome back to another JRT! We're also back to riffing another work of our genius friend Person's. We all know how..."interesting" his Doodlebob spin-off is, so I bet we're in for a great treat with this one.]

[steel: Guess who? Even though I've never got around to riffing Bikini Top, I'm back for this one spin-off.]

 

Intro:
Spongebob is ready for another fantastic day at work at his favorite undersea restaurant, The Krusty Krab.

 

[Jjs: Really now? I thought his favorite restaurant would be a KFC.]

[steel: Darn, I totally thought it was the Shell Shack!]

[CNF: A work of art already 10/10.]

 

This is his last day working there for a month, because him and Patrick are joining a Jellyfishing Club up in Ocean Town.

 

[Jjs: So...that takes up a whole month? Well, it looks like Person has still kept his wonderful pacing, and doesn't seem to care how lost his audience is.]

[CNF: I'm kinda surprised Mr. Krabs even let SpongeBob off of work...then again, more money for him!]

[steel: Ocean Town. A town in the middle of the ocean. That must be their slogan.]

Episode 1: The New Fry Cook

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, me boy. You ready to make me some money?

 

[Jjs: So many jokes I could make with this line, but so little time.]

[CNF: Just come out back with me to this dark alley laddie...]

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs, I have something to tell you.

 

[Jjs: You're bald?!]

[CNF: NO, I'M NOT BALD. I'M BEING TORTURED!]

[steel: Goofy Goober's going non-dairy!?]

 

Patrick and I are joining a Jellyfishers Club down in some place called Ocean Town, far away from Bikini Bottom. I'll only be gone a month, and then I'll be back.

 

[CNF: Don't worry, we'll pick up your dose of weed on the way.]

[steel: Be sure to get me postcards from Sea Place, Coast City, and Waterworld.]

 

Mr. Krabs: WHAT? NO! OH DEAR NEPTUNE!

 

[Jjs: Wow, even Mr. Krabs doesn't like where this is going.]

[CNF: May Neptune have mercy on his soul.]

[steel: He's sure blown a gasket. And I can understand that if Spongebob's going away for a month to be up in da club.]

 

Who am I going to get to work grill while you're out? I'll have to shut down the business. Think Krabs, think. I don't know what to do.

 

[Jjs: Get Squidward to do it. I hear he makes some nice fried boots.]

[CNF: "to work grill" Is Mr. Krabs a caveman now?]

[steel: What narrative is he speaking in anyway?]

Spongebob: Your search is over, Mr. Krabs. I happened to find a wonderful temporary replacement fry cook.

 

[Jjs: Well fuck me, there went any suspense, not like I expected any from this.]

[CNF: JCM, that's gross.]

[steel: JCM is not here. Or is he?]

[JCM: Cuz' it turns out I was Steel all along!]

[steel: Yeah, that's not going to work...]

 

Mr. Krabs, meet my cousin, Spongeguy Squarepants. Spongeguy, meet my boss, Mr. Krabs.

 

[Jjs: "Random out of nowhere character, meet my plot device."]

[CNF: I'd shoot myself with that kind of name. Come on parents you have more creativity than that!]

[steel: Can't wait to hear from his other friends Starfishperson Star, Squidthing Tentacles and Squirrelorsomesmut Cheeks.]


Mr. Krabs: Ah. I see where he got the name.

 

[Jjs: Wait a minute...if this is his cousin, shouldn't he have a different last name? Wait nvm, Person spin-off, don't think.]

[CNF: Don't think, just read. Person's life lesson.]

[steel: That's some one-dimensional stuff right there.]

 

He better be as good as you, boy. I don't want any problems.

 

Spongebob: No need to worry, Mr. K. I got it all under control. Spongeguy here really knows how to cook. Come in the kitchen and watch the pro at work.

Mr. Krabs doesn't trust him at first. But he does a phenomenal job and fills all the customer's orders to perfection. He flips the patties on time on the grill, puts them in buns, adds cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickle, and onion in the right order, and takes out any item the customer doesn't want if their patty is special. Mr. Krabs is overly impressed.

 

[Jjs: Wow, he was so impressed that we weren't given any dialogue to develop this.]

[CNF: When the hell did all of that take place? 2 minutes? 2 hours? Over 9000?]

[steel: If Spongeguy could even make a perfect Crying Johnny, then it's already safe for me to say that Spongebob's practically cloned himself and just called his other-half "Spongeguy."]

Mr. Krabs: Well, Spongeguy, I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

 

[Jjs: Loving the simplicity. "I doubted you. Now I don't! Story over!" This was like one of those preschool books you'd read honestly.]

[CNF: I wouldn't be surprised if Person himself thought we all had the IQ of a preschooler.]

[steel: Well, alright then. Let it rip! Seriously though, when did Mr. Krabs doubt Spongeguy? Sure, he didn't speak about it, but still...]

 

You got the job. But only until Spongebob gets back. Here's your official Krusty Krab, hat. I'm guessing that you learned from Spongebob. After all, he IS the best. I guess cooking skills are hereditary in the family.

 

Spongeguy: Actually, I went to culinary school and became a chef.

 

[Jjs: WHOA! He has dialogue now?!]

[steel: But does he have a soul?]


Mr. Krabs: Oh, I can smell the money already.

 

[Jjs: Oh, I can smell the bad writing already.]

[steel: Oh, I can smell the boring characterizations already.]

[CNF: MOAR MONEH.]

Spongeguy: Thank you so much for hiring me. Don't worry, Mr, Krabs. As long as these pants are square, and this sponge is guy, I will not let you down.

 

[Jjs: This sounds familiar...I call the plagiarism police!]

[Plagiarism Police Officer: Wow, this guy sure needs some originality.]

[CNF: I liked it better when the sponge was bob.]

[steel: Such enthusiasm. Utterly normal, I'd say.]

Spongebob: DAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

 

[Jjs: I think it's safe to say Person is on crack whenever he writes now.]

[steel: se5IlCc.jpg?1 ]

 

Oh, brother. Sound familiar, Mr. Krabs? Aren't we just like eachother?

 

[CNF: Person confirmed for being self-aware of his plagiarism.]

[steel: Yes, and it's creeping me out.]

Mr. Krabs: I can't wait to get my hands on that green.

 

[Jjs: Green what? Money? Explain!]

[CNF: Krabs needs his weed man.]

[steel: Somebody's a huge Green Day fan.]

 

Have fun on your trip, lad. I'll miss you.

 

[CNF: ...but I'll miss the money you make me even more!]

Spongebob: Thanks Mr. Krabs. I'm going to miss the smell of grease in this kitchen. But most of all, I will miss you and Squidward. I can't live without the Krusty Krab. It's my life, but atleast

 

[Jjs: Person can't seem to live with not proofreading either. Hitting a spacebar is just too much effort, I guess.]

 

will be doing my favorite hobby of all time that I love to keep my mind off of it, and that's jellyfishing. See you in a month, Mr. Krabs. Good luck, Spongeguy. See ya, buddy.

 

[Jjs: Bye SBCers. Bye SBMers.]

[CNF: Adios amigos! Have fun doing your jellyfish orgies!]

[steel: Going to a Jellyfishers Club seems like a fine excuse to take time off from work. Oh, and how about some exclamations? Just how soulless could these characters be?]

End of 1. 

 

[Jjs: Wow, you can tell Person's enthusiasm even in the conclusion.]

[CNF: Well then that just happened. Time to express how I feel about it:

1DDYD4U.jpg?1

There, I've wiped it off the planet. G'nite!]

[steel: That was utterly uninteresting. I wonder what else Person's got in store for us, but I'm sure it's nothing to get excited about.]

 

 

 

2. The Jellyfishers Club / SpongeBob's New Job + 3. Episode 3 (combined together below due to problems)

 

Spoiler

Episode 2: The Jellyfishers Club; Spongebob's New Job 

 

[Jjs: So wait, is this two segments in one? Does that mean Episode 1 was a full-length episode, if it can even be called that? If so...wow, spin-off/lit limits sure have gotten shorter over the years. That episode would've been like, 3 minutes if it were on tv. Makes me wonder how long a short episode would be then.]

 

Spongebob: Good morning world. I'M READY!

 

[Jjs: We're not.]

[steel: Good morning world. I'm ready. - Fixed]

 

(walks outside) I'M READY! I'M READY! I'M READY! Hi Patrick. Are you ready for the big event today?

Patrick: Uh, is it Christmas already?

 

[Jjs: Ha! I wish.]

[CNF: It'd be a Christmas miracle to have this show end.]

[steel: O Tannenbaum, O Tannenbaum, how joyous I would be to stop reading.]

 

You didn't get me a present? That's it, Squarepants. From now on, we are not friends anymore.

 

[Jjs: ...Well, show's over folks. SpongeBob and Patrick aren't friends anymore.

 

il_340x270.545284866_9tsl.jpg 

 

This spin-off isn't terrible, but it sure is-]

[steel: That went by quickly....too quickly.]

[CNF: Porky Pig please be right.]

 

 

How could you do this to me?

 

[Jjs: Oh, there's more...Never mind my Looney Tunes reference then.]

[CNF: *throws a chair*]

[steel: One chapter before, we got the characters lacking personality, and now we got a real soap opera going on after a mere few seconds of the conversation.]

 

And I always thought you were the one who cared. NOOOOOOOOOO!

 

[steel: IS HE STILL TALKING?]

[CNF: http://nooooooooooooooo.com/]

 

I need a moment. Go back inside your stupid pineapple before I eat it and you become homeless. That's what you deserve, yellow holes.

 

[Jjs: OH SHIT! Patrick is talking massive shit, eating a home is a true threat! This is gonna be gud, who do you think will win CNF?]

[CNF: I'll vote for Pinky.]

Spongebob: Patrick, relax. Today's the very first day of our month long Jellyfishers Club.

Patrick: Oh, I'm sorry Spongebob. YAY! JELLYFISHERS CLUB! COME ON BUS!

 

[Jjs: Well, that resolved itself quickly, just like everything in this strange spin-off so far.]

[CNF: Come on, I paid to see a fight not a kiss and make-up session!]

[steel: So we got spontaneous drama and now Patrick getting insanely excited like he's at the Super Bowl?]

Spongebob: YAY! GO JELLYFISHERS CLUB! YAH! YES! JELLYFISHERS CLUB!

 

[Jjs: Jeez Person, my internet ears can only take so much caps! TONE IT DOWN!]

[CNF: SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY.]

[steel: NOW WE CAN PLAY OUR GAMES FROM BLOCKBUSTER.]

 

Squidward: Will you two idiots be quiet? I'm trying to practice my clarinet in here.

 

[Jjs: I agree with Squidward, but replace "I'm trying to practice my clarinet in here." with "I'm trying to riff this spin-off here."]

[CNF: Squidward is the only one sensible in this entire spin-off.]

[steel: Praise Squidward.]

Spongebob: Sorry Squidward.

Squidward: How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors? AHAGH! AHAUGH! AHAUGH!

 

[Jjs: Is "AHAGH!" something Squidward would actually say? Actually scratch that, is something anybody would even say?]

[steel: Let's see, that's two borrowed quotes in this episode, so far....]

Spongebob: Well, here's the bus. Let's go, buddy. This is going to be the greatest month of our life. 

 

[Jjs: This is going to be the best month of our life, our life-fe-e...]

[CNF: This is gonna be the best orgy of our lives.]

Spongebob and Patrick depart for Ocean Town. It was approximately a half hour ride. 

 

[Jjs: ACTION, DIALOGUE! This spin-off has neither!]

[steel: WE'RE ON THE ROAD TO OCEAN TOWN! Nope, still worthless.]

[CNF: OCEAN TOWN! WHERE THERE'S NOTHING BUT THE BIG BLUE!]

Spongebob: Oh, I can't believe we're finally here.

 

[CNF: Ikr, it only took 2 seconds!]

The whole crowd gets out excited to jellyfish. Every day of the month Spongebob and Patrick were partners in every contest, and they won 10 out of 30 contests. There is one contest in one day, and then they get to go free jellyfishing for the rest of the day. There were ten other teams competing against them. For the first 20 contests, Patrick just went off chasing the jellyfish without a net, the typical pink idiot starfish that he is.

 

[Jjs: I like how Person is just summarizing it for us instead of actually writing it. It's like he knew someone was going to riff this in the future. Well played Person, well played.]

[CNF: So basically, the Jellyfishing thing is over already? Jeez that was quick.]

[steel: The end.]

 

Spongebob tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.

 

[Hank Hill: You just don't listen. That boy ain't right.]

[steel: Did Plankton come after Patrick's eardrums?]

 

He was just off in his own little world. Spongebob caught 25 jellyfish in 5 minutes in each contest, but Patrick didn't catch any. (surprise, surprise).

 

[Jjs: Ooh, a surprise? Where?]

[CNF: Is it Sailor Moon?!?!?]

[surprise: A surprise? What is it!?]

 

But then he finally he realized what the heck he was doing, and he actually began to focus for the last 10. Now Spongebob could do better now that he knew Patrick was paying attention.

 

[Jjs: If only the author of this could write better.]

 

They caught 100 jellyfish together in 5 minutes in each contest. Patrick caught 50 and Spongebob caught 50.

 

[Jjs: Wow, this spin-off is even teaching us to how to do math! Maybe this is a preschool spin-off.]

[CNF: How the fuck do you catch 100 jellyfish in 5 minutes?]

[steel: Spongebob and Patrick caught 100 jellyfish. That's as many as five tens each. And that's wonderful.]

 

Them and the other losing teams won a packaged box full of everything a jellyfisher could ever want, including a jellyfishing video game, a jellyfishing action play set, a bag of toy jellyfish cars, jellyfish pizza, jellyfish ice cream, and a whole lot more.

 

[Hank Hill: I sell jellyfish and jellyfish accessories.]

 

But the winning team won a Jellyfish Wagon, kind of like the Patty Wagon from the Spongebob movie, only a jellyfish instead of a krabby patty.

 

[steel: They'll lose it, just like the time they lost their old car twice.]

Spongebob: That's a real shame. Oh well, we make a great team together though. Good job, Patrick. Oh well, atleast

 

[Jjs: At least dammit, at least! It's two words, not one! Use the spacebar!]

[CNF: *gets to Jellyfish place* *spends 5 minutes there* *leaves* I can't be the only one who thinks this can I?]

 

we got something instead of nothing. Now I get to go back to my favorite job in the whole world, the Krusty Krab.

 

[Jjs: Pft... already? Wow, I think this might be the most passive-aggressive spin-off in existence. It builds stuff up and gives the most blandest resolutions without really even resolving them. That takes true skill.]

[CNF: This show needs to be done DBZ style and have things drag on for 20+ episodes!]

[steel: One month at the Jellyfishers Club my hiney.]

Patrick: But what about me?

Spongebob: You can watch TV.

Patrick: Yay. The coconut.

 

[Jjs: Yay. Characterization.]

[CNF: Can someone hit me on the head with two coconuts?]

[steel: And there was much rejoicing.]

 

Spongebob arrives back in Bikini Bottom to the Krusty Krab.

 

[Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you Person in a house on this street on this block in this town.]

Spongebob: I'm ready to take my job back, Mr, Krabs

 

[Jjs: Wait, is this the 2nd "segment"? Thanks for clarifying it for us...not.]

Mr. Krabs: Are you kidding? Spongeguy here is making me a fortune. He's making me twice the amount of money you ever made me.

 

[Jjs: A new guy makes more than SpongeBob has for years? Yeah, that makes sense.]

[CNF: RIP SpongeBob Cause of Death: Heart Failure Due To Above Words]

[steel: I should now be convinced enough to use the term "Gary Stu." That seems to describe Spongeguy well enough.]

 

I'm getting more customers than I do with you every day. They say the food here is way better than yours ever was. Not to say that yours wasn't phenomenal either, but the customers said they would cut both their legs off and eat them if anyone made krabby patties better than Spongeguy.

 

[steel: Wouldn't they want to eat the Krabby Patties if they are, hypothetically speaking, better than Spongeguy's? That logic confuses me here.]

[Jjs: Where was the build-up to this?! My god, this spin-off somehow knows how to build things up and also doesn't at the same time.]

 

They love it so much they don't believe that he is the one making it so good. They say it's magic. And I'd much rather make 1000 dollars a day than 500 boy. I'm sorry to say this, but you're fired.

 

[Jjs: Okay, this spin-off went from just a blandly inoffensive to outright stupidly offensive. Why did this suddenly turn into a forced "firing SpongeBob" story? I never really liked the idea of firing SpongeBob because there's no real good way to do it, and Person just further shows my point. Of course then again...this is Person, so I guess I shouldn't be expecting much depth here.]

[CNF: SpongeBob, You're Fired!...ha I remind you all of that episode.]

 

Spongebob: Fa-Fa-Fa-FIRED?

 

[Jjs: I'm pretty sure fired doesn't have a "fa" anywhere in it. That makes me miss Fa, the user who was friends with Person, unfortunately.]

[steel: Is he trying to sing or something? Oh yeah, make that 4 borrowed quotes.]

 

You can't do that to me Mr. Krabs. I didn't do anything wrong with my job. He may be better, but I was the best before him. How could you compare money to your favorite fry cook? You're a cold hearted red guy, Uegene.

 

[steel: I'm being emotional.]

[Jjs: You're a mean one, Mr. Krabs...

Also, who is Uegene?]

[CNF: He's cheap, that's why.]

Mr. Krabs: GET OUT OF ME RESTAURANT. GET HIM, SPONGEGUY!

 

[steel: Person sure does know how to throw drama into our faces.]


Spongebob: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELP! IM UNDER ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!! GARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Jjs: SCREAM!!!!!! SHOUT!!!!! HOLLER!!!!!!]

[steel: Ow, my headphones!]

Mr. Krabs: Ar-Har-Har-Har-Har-Har. We'll never see that one again. Now get back to the kitchen. Time is money.

 

[Jjs: I think we may have found the most heartless portrayal of Mr. Krabs, ever. People who complain about his post-movie character should read this drivel.]

[CNF: And business goes on as usual...]

Spongeguy: Yes, sir. I mean, yes, Mr. Krabs, sir. I mean yes, Mr. Krabby Patty. I mean, yes, Mr. Krabs. I mean, yes, Mr. --- 

 

[steel: Is he a walking turntable or something? The way he's saying that speaks to me of how silly that was.]

 

Mr. Krabs: Just get back in there and start flippin patties on that grill before I hire Spongebob back.

 

[steel: OH SO NOW YOU WANT HIM BACK.]

[Jjs: Does someone have a bipolar issue today?]

Meanwhile, Spongebob is taking a walk.

 

Spongebob: I'll show that red cheapskate. I'll go back to Ocean Town and search for a job there.

 

[Jjs: So now this spin-off is just going in a large circle. My head hurts...]

[CNF: Someone get me some aspirin.]

Spongebob arrives in Ocean Town. He sees a sign up ahead that says "New restaurant open for business: PATTY DADDY. FRY COOK HELP WANTED." No interview or experience required. The first to sign up gets the job.

 

[Jjs: No experience at all required? Or interview? Does person even know how the real world works? Well maybe this explains how most people get into McDonalds, at least.]

[CNF: And there's the show's title. Too bad they only get one more episode to further dive into the plot (or is that a good thing?)]

[steel: A restaurant where no one cares? That's odd.]

Spongebob is the first to sign up and gets the job. His new boss is Mr. Derik Lobster.

 

[Jjs:  According to urban dictionary...

 

"Derik: An extremely attractive man with a really nice ass."

 

So you're welcome to this imagery now.]

[CNF: I smell a pedophile.]

[steel: Oh my gosh, look at his butt.]

 

He is much better than Mr. Krabs, and he doesn't care about how much money he makes as long as he makes something. He cares much more about his employees than profit. The cash register person was Octopus Paw.

 

[Jjs: Octopus...and paws? Is this octopus suddenly a mutant mixed with dog DNA?!]

[CNF: Is he an Underwater Transformer?]

[steel: Is he an octopus who reviews music from films?]

 

Unlike Squidward Tentacles, Octopus doesn't think Spongebob is annoying whatsoever, and he laughs along with him.

 

[Jjs: Man, isn't everything just happy and sun-shining today, eh CNF? I love this upbeat attitude the spin-off is taking! Maybe it'll get better....nah, too far.]

[CNF: Everything is sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows.]

[steel: And they lived happily ever after, now please tell me that this is over.]

Octopus: Spongebob, one quarter pounder krabby patty with coral bits. 

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! How did this restaurant gain the Krabby Patty formula?! How would SpongeBob even get it past Mr. Krabs?! Details man, details!]

[steel: Plankton, eat your heart out!]

Spongebob: Comin right up.

Spongebob doesn't even think about The Krusty Krab or Spongeguy.

 

[Jjs: Sounds like person when writing this.]

[CNF: Something tells me he'll just write them off anyways.]

 

He fills all the customer's orders right and on time. He likes this restaurant much better than the Krusty Krab. What will happen next? Stay tuned!

End of 2. 

 

[steel: Nothing will happen next, I'm sure you've already written the ending! But now I'd have to keep reading.]

[Jjs: I'm The Count and I love to count! It beats trying to make a better story, anyways.]

[CNF: Jeez I thought I'd never get to the end. *disappears using magic*]

------------------

Episode 3:

[Jjs: No title? And this is the last episode, too! Great, just great.]

[Steel: Episode 3, give it up for Episode 3!]

 

Spongebob: Well, time for another great day at work at my favorite restaurant, Patty Daddy. I'm ready! (walks outside) I'M READY! I'M READY! I'M READY!

 

[Jjs: Count in trying too hard to make the characters in-character...I've lost track.]

[CNF: Head hurt. Must put out misery.]

Patrick: (Hangs on open rock). GO SPONGEBOB! OO-OO-WAH-AH! (Falls down from rock into house). OUCH!

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE! If this Patty Daddy restaurant is located in Ocean Town, how is Patrick there? Did he just decide to move there for the hell of it?]

[Steel: His rock fired him.]

[CNF: YIPE! Don't pop out of nowhere like that Patrick!]

Spongebob arrives at Patty Daddy.

[CNF: And the plot thickens...]

Octopus: Spongebob, one junior small krabby patty with barnacle chips.

 

[Steel: What is this, Subway? They sell chips too?]

[CNF: I want my Kelp Fries dammit.]

Spongebob: Comin right up. (Cooks patty and chips) ORDER UP!

 

[Steel: Did that literally take one sentence for the meal to be done?]

[CNF: Since when do you cook chips? Or is Ocean Town in the UK?]

Octopus: Here you are sir. Enjoy.

Rodney Fish: Thanks.

 

[Jjs: Rodney Fish is a pretty rad name.]

[Steel: Even more radder than "Spongeguy."]

Meanwhile, conflict is arising back over at the Krusty Krab.

 

[Jjs: In person's terminology, I'd assume that means Mr. Krabs misplaced his lucky dime.]

 

Spongeguy: Mr. Krabs? It's the end of the week. I want my paycheck.

[CNF: And make it snappy, I need to get the newest issue of Playfish stat!]

Mr. Krabs: Oh uh, right. Here you are, me boy.

Spongeguy: Ah yes. Wait? What? Five dollars again?

 

[Steel: Five dollars again? YOU HATE ME!]

[Jjs: Wait, slow down-]

 

That's it, Krabs. You've crossed the line.

 

[Steel: I'm being rebellious.]

[Jjs: Huh, but-]

 

I've been working here for a month, and I haven't been paid more than five dollars each week.

 

[Jjs: Uh, can you slow-]

 

You are a ripoff Krabs. I want more money, and I want more time for my lunch breaks.

 

[Steel: So that's not Eugene H. Krabs, and actually a blatant rip-off of him? Oh, and this drama is just disproportionate and also flat out dry as the Serengeti desert.]

[Jjs: STOP! You're already having conflict in this spin-off, if that's even possible? The problem with this is that it's just so FORCED with NO build-up at all! How are we supposed to feel anything about this? This whole spin-off feels like one of those awkward fanfiction.net stories that tries too hard to be like the show. Granted this is person, so I shouldn't have been expecting much to begin with, but some effort would be nice.]

 

You are rediculous Krabs.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: ridiculous]

[CNF: It's so ridiculous that he misspelled the word!]

 

Please give me atleast

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: at least]

 

fifty dollars a week and a half hour lunch break. You are even charging me to work? What is the meaning of that? You're already making twice as much money as Spongebob with me. Have you lost your mind? You're completely out of it Krabs.

 

[Steel: Fifty dollars a week? What a greedy little pig.]

[CNF: A half-hour lunch break?!?!? You will finish your lunch in 1 minute and you will like it!]

Mr. Krabs: Oh hey now, take it easy lad, everything's gonna be alright. You're fine.

Spongeguy: No everything is not going to be alright. I am not fine. I want more for the hard work I am doing.

 

[Steel: This is of one of the most monotones characters that I've read through. And that's probably an understatement now.]

[Jjs: Wow, and here I thought Bikini Top's drama was bad.]

Mr. Krabs: That's it, guy. Now you only get three dollars a week and two minute lunch breaks.

Spongeguy: Oh, that's it. I quit. You won't be getting another penny from me. Good riddance. (Throws hat on the ground).

 

[Steel: It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life. Really, I definitely won't be missing him.]

[CNF: You'll never work in this town again bitch! *slams door*]

 

Mr. Krabs unexpectedly takes a visit to Patty Daddy to talk to Spongebob.

 

[Jjs: That was fast. Did he teleport there?]

Spongebob: Mr. Krabs? What are you doing here? What do you want?

 

[SpongeBob: Why am I asking YOU all these questions?!]

Mr. Krabs: Oh, uh, hey there Spongebob. I need you back at the Krusty Krab. Spongeguy quit because well, I wasn't being a good boss. You're hired again.

 

[Steel: *Snap* just like that, huh?]

[Jjs: I'm still thinking Mr. Krabs has a bipolar disorder.]

[CNF: I'm a genie.]

Spongebob: Oh, no. Sorry Krabbie. It doesn't work like that. I'm not just gonna come back to you because you want me to. Remember what you said to me? You didn't want me back.

 

[Jjs: Cher Lloyd on the other hand may want you back...]

[Steel: UH!]

[CNF: Krabbie Patty Daddy.]

 

You just cared about the money so you kept Spongeguy and fired me because he makes better food and makes you more money. If he didn't quit, you wouldn't hire me back again. So you can see me in your dreams.

 

[Steel: I am being argumentative.]

[CNF: Thank you for telling me one I already know.]

Mr. Krabs: Oh come on, lad.

 

[Jjs: Pfft...really? I can't imagine Mr. Krabs saying "come on" at all in such a bland way. He sounds like some elementary schooler angry they didn't get an A on a test.]

Spongebob: No can do, Mr. Krabs. Well, since you're not my boss anymore, I'll call you Ugene.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: Eugene]

[Steel: Forget that, his name's Ugene now.]

Mr. Krabs: I'll raise your paycheck and extend your lunch breaks.

[CNF: I'll take it!]

Spongebob: You can't bribe my way out of this, Ugene.

 

[Steel: If he had a hyphen, I would end up calling him this:

lIFyu3x.jpg?1 ]

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: Eugene. Seriously, do you need to a list of names? Because we can get you one.]

 

You can go home and cry until tomorrow morning, and I still won't come back to the Krusty Krab.

 

[Steel: Well...that was just mean-spirited.]

[CNF: Man SpongeBob is a cold-hearted bitch.]

Mr. Krabs: What if I thew

 

[Steel: According to the dictionary, thew is a literary noun for muscular strength. Even if Mr. Krabs shows off his rock hard biceps, Spongebob won't come back, wouldn't he?]

[Jjs: ...Nah, not even going to bother anymore. Continue.]

 

in one free krabby patty with krabby fries and a shake every day?

 

[Steel: I wonder what other "amazing" bribes he has in his utility? Perhaps a free toy? Free plates? A booster seat? He's going to get Spongebob back for sure.]

[CNF: Wait wait wait...can't SpongeBob just make those things for himself?]

Spongebob: No Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: FINE THEN SQUAREPANTS! but when you realize that the krusty krab was meant for you all along, i'll be there waiting. (walks outside the door).

 

[Steel: Let me play you a song on the world's smallest banjo....

 

]

[Jjs: This entire back and forth felt like a poorly worded argument on an internet forum...]

Spongebob's shift is over. While he is walking home, he runs into Spongeguy.

 

[Steel: And he's back...]

Spongebob: What are you doing here, Spongeguy?

[spongeguy:

]

Spongeguy: Oh, uh, hey there, Spongebob. I uh---

 

[Steel: Spongeguy Goldblum]

Spongebob: Listen, I don't blame you for quitting.

 

[Jjs: Well, in person's world I don't blame him either.]

[Steel: *incoming wall of text*]

 

Mr. Krabs really is the biggest cheapskate under the sea. But when he said he was going to keep you, you could've said something disagreeing to get me back, like tell him that if you aren't going to hire Spongebob back, then I don't want to work here anymore. I know that you knew that he was making a big mistake. And plus I really want my job at the Krusty Krab because though he is cheap and I am having a better life here at Patty Daddy, I miss him and Squidward so much, and that was the very first restaurant I ever worked at. I go way back in time at the Krusty Krab. But I am not willing to take it unless he realizes what he did wrong and is brave enough to come to me and tell it to my face. Could you tell him for me please so he will come apologize? I would appreciate that. And if you do, I will tell Mr. Loster to hire you at Patty Daddy.

 

[Steel: Spongebob's In Defense and Acknowledgment of Cheapskate Krabs. Buy his speech now in every participating CD store.]

[Jjs: You mean this Mr. Loster?: http://www.multicult.../losterbio.html ]

[CNF: Too long of a speech for me.]

Spongeguy: I don't know man. Like what have you ever done for me?

Spongebob: Who told your friend Tom that he should go to your birthday party that he has known for five years and not another friend's that he has only known for a month? Who told your friend Billy to forgive you after you snuck into his house and stole his favorite toy? Who was right there sitting next to you when you were scared to go on your very first rollercoaster at Glove World? Who spent time with you every week and went places with you that you wanted to go with them? Who---?

 

[Jjs: Actually cares?]

[Steel: The heck are those people?]

[CNF: 

]

Spongeguy: Okay, man. I will talk to Krabs.

Spongebob: Thank you very much. You're a great cousin.

Spongeguy goes to the Krusty Krab and talks to Mr. Krabs.

Spongeguy: Hey Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs: So, you decided to come running back to me, aye, Spongeguy?

 

[Steel: *incoming wall of text*]

Spongeguy: Never in a million years. But listen. Spongebob wants his job back really bad, but he is not willing to take it unless you tell him this and promise that you will change when he returns to the Krusty Krab. Even though I many be better than Spongebob, he was the Krusty Krab's original best fry cook. You love him more than I do deep in your heart to hire him back. You only love me because I make you a lot of money and better quality food than Spongebob. But you love Spongebob because of the good, decent person that he is. And anyways, he wasn't doing a bad job. He still made delicious top notch food that all the customers enjoyed every time they ordered from your restaurant, and he still made you enough money. Now that being said, who do you really want to keep as your fry cook, the one that does better or the one that you love because of their personality, not their ability to make money, and also that still does a good job? Think about that.
 

[Jjs: Am I reading Total Cartoon Island all of a sudden?]

[CNF: Did Person take writing lessons from 4EverGreen?]

 

Mr. Krabs: Gee, I'm afraid you're right. I never thought of that before. I now realize what I should've done, and that's hire Spongebob back. Thanks, Spongeguy. I will tell Spongebob this and hopefully he will believe me and accept his job back.

Mr. Krabs goes to see Spongebob at Patty Daddy.

Mr. Krabs: Spongebob, I want to talk to you.

Spongebob: Ay-iy-yi. Now what do you want? This will be the last tim

 

[Steel: Ay-iy-yi? Spongebob's must be trying to take some Spanish lessons.]

[Jjs: The last Tim? No, anybody but Tim!]

 

you can ever come down here to see me again.

 

[Steel: *incoming wall of text*]

[CNF: Dammit not again.]

Mr. Krabs: Yah, well um, listen. Spongeguy came to me and explained it all. And he's definitely right. I should've taken you back in the first place when you returned from your Jellyfishers Club. I only love Spongeguy because he cooks better food and makes me more money than you ever did. But I love you because of your personality. No amount of money he makes me and no good food that he cooks will ever stop wanting me from keeping my favorite fry cook in the world that I had from the very start, and that's Spongebob Squarepants. From now on, no more cheap Mr. Krabs. As long as you make me SOME amount of money, because of course as you know this is a business, I will not keep any temporary replacement that takes your spot when you return. Employees are more important than money. And if I don't keep my word, then you have every right to quit.

 

[Jjs: Well, the good news is, person is actually putting effort in. The bad news is, it's still forced and for some reason everyone is having a competition on who can make a more long, boring wall of text.]

Spongebob: Oh, Mr. Krabs. Thank you. That means so much to me. I accept my job back at the Krusty Krab.

Mr. Krabs: Great. See you Monday.

Spongeguy takes a job as a fry cook at Patty Daddy. But later, Mr. Lobster realizes why his food is so good and why he makes more money than he should. GASP! He catches him using a magic spatula.

 

[M. Night Shyamalan: ...What a twist?]

[Steel: So he's a wizard that got rejected from Hogwarts? What is this?]

[CNF: Hogwarts School for Witchcraft, Wizardry, and Magical Sandwich Making.]

 

That is highly illegal in Ocean Town and Bikini Bottom. He cops arrest him and he goes to jail for a year. When Spongebob and Mr. Krabs find out, they are incredibly shocked.

 

[steel: Well....that's a interesting way to prove that your character is flawed. But hey, at least magic spatulas are not considered illegal yet in New Kelp City, Ukulele Bottom, etc.]

[Jjs No, but seriously. What?]

Spongebob: WOW. I guess you never know a person until you REALLY get to know them.

 

Mr. Krabs: Indeed you're right, lad. Indeed you're right.

 

[Jjs: Okay, I'm finally back to reality. Really, a magic spatula? Where the hell did that come from? Was that just a way to make Spongeguy seem like a villain? More incredibly poor build-up. I can't even feel bad for Spongeguy, only feeling bad he had to be in this spin-off.]

Now Patty Daddy is help wanted. So Spongebob, Mr. Krabs, Squidward, Mr. Lobster, and Octopus begin a quest to search for a new fry cook. What will happen next? Stay tuned!

 

[Jjs: Haha nope.]

[Steel: Yeah, too bad the New Fry Cook Arc is never going to happen.]

End of 3. 

 

[Steel: In review, Patty Daddy is just a little bit mediocre. I've seen worse. Some of its problems are how the story forces the drama and throws it at us, and of course, the lack of personality/emotion over the course of this spin-off. Thank you and goodnight.]

[Jjs: So, Patty Daddy was an..."interesting" spin-off, and I don't mean that in a good way. When compared to the other spin-off that made person's writing "special", it's a bit better, but not by a whole lot. While I could tell he tried, everyone came off very OOC, it was too passive-aggressive to take anything in it seriously, and not to mention the completely WTF twist at the end. Not the worst thing I've riffed, because it had some potential, but just came off dull and really rushed. So, thanks Steel and CNF. This might not be my best riff, because I didn't have a whole lot of jokes to make, but it's something. So, what's next? Hopefully not another person show, my brain can only lose so many cells!]

[CNF: Well, the time I riffed this bitch I won't ever get back. Overall, waste of time and a meh piece of work. See you all on the flip side.]

Edited by jjsthekid
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