Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[Metal Snake]

Another weird spin-off. XD Great riffing as always, guys!

[Jjs Goodman]

Time to riff a certain infamous show I've gotten tons of requests for...

 

LIFE OF LARRY THE KRAB

 

1. Try Honesty

Spoiler

Ep.1 "Try Honesty"

 

[Jjs: I'll try being honest with myself that it seems I'll never get a life. Oh well. On with the riffs!]

[Wumbo:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPCMx8yS7c0

 

We're off to a good start.]

[Metal Snake: HONESTY! When you wanna be honest just beware! The truth hurts in this riffing atmosphere!]

 

Opening Theme Song: Everyday, you walk down the street and say hello to everybody you see,

 

[Jjs: Arthur would like to see you in court.]

[Metal Snake: And I say, “HEY!” What a wonderful kind of day! To be in court and see! If I can get you found guilty!]

 

but then there's people not so rad... unlike Larry the krab!!!

 

[Metal Snake: He’s so cool he gets introduced with a double negative. “Not so unlike"?]

 

Welcome to the life of Larry the krab! Where everything's fabu and absolutely taboo........

 

[Jjs: Fabu and taboo! Tattoo and Mewtwo! I'm the mime and I love to rhyme!]

[Metal Snake: IT’S A VIOLENT PORNOGRAPHY! But seriously, heh heh. *tugs collar* I don’t think you’re aware of the connotations of “absolutely taboo”.]  

[Wumbo: If everything is taboo, then what's the point? "Taboo" means forbidden. Sounds like a shitty life. It could be worse, though. teenj could be referring to that Black Eyed Peas guy that never raps.]

 

it is sooo rad. Life of La-rry the kraaab!

 

[Metal Snake: Okay, I can forgive the fact that rad/krab is a slant rhyme, but reusing it twice? “Fab” would’ve worked better, unless it’s been permanently transformed into “fabu”.]

 

Larry: Ya know Tom, it's been a while since I had a girlfriend.

 

[Wumbo: That doesn't sound very fabu. Taboo, maybe.]

 

You gotta hook me up, what type of wingman are you?

 

[Jjs: Try Chris Brown, I hear he's got a nice wingman career going.]

[Metal Snake: The Elemental Hero Flame-kind, bee-itch.]

 

Tom: Hey, I try to get you girls at the club, but evrytime you get drunk and mess up.

 

[Metal Snake: “Yo, I’m your bro, and I’m cool with your show! I like surfing, turfing, smurfing, and your thing, if you know what I know! Ya know!”

 

That gentlemen...was a spoiler. That kind of talk...let’s just say it’ll be burned into your brain forever by the time this is over.]

 

Flashback:

 

Tom: Ladies, this is Larry, the coolest krab under the sea!

 

[Jjs: Alright, I suppose now is a good time to ask: Who the fuck is Larry the Krab? Is he Larry the Lobster's ancestor/brother/cousin/etc? Did Larry devolve into a crab? Are lobsters suddenly the same things as crabs (krabs?) now? Why am I so intrigued by this?]

[Metal Snake: What jjs said. Seriously, what in the world is a krab? Is it some kind of crossbreed between a crab and a kipper? A piece of kelp?]

 

Girl #1: Well he's cute...

 

Girl #2: Really cute!

 

[Metal Snake: “Hello, and how do you do? Would you like to get to know Joke Device #1 and Joke Device #2? You won’t get another chance, we’re simply venue!”

 

...Okay, no more rhymes.]

 

Drunk Larry: And your...your a...something....a something....that's right. (Larry falls out)

 

[Jjs: Those girls won't be giving you their "something" anytime soon with an attitude like that.]

[Wumbo: Falls out of what? An airplane? Is this an aviation nightclub?]

 

(Flashback over)

 

[Metal Snake: FUN TIME OVER! GET BACK TO WORK, STORY!]

 

---------------

 

Tom: Look, if your really desperate, than try online dating.

 

[Metal Snake: “Gee, I don’t know. I hope it won’t be like the time I tried online learning.”

 

*cuts to Larry sitting at a computer with an impatient look on his face*

 

“WHEN THE HELL DOES CLASS START?!”]

 

Larry: Hmm... sounds good.

 

[Jjs: Gosh, if this is the same Larry the Lobster we know, even I know he wouldn't be that desperate. In fact, if this is our Larry, shouldn't he be fine with the ladies as is? Why am I still thinking about this so much?]

 

Larry began creating his account on "Why Not Date Me.com".

 

[Wumbo: I call bullshit on the domain name. What's with the spaces?]

[Metal Snake: Larry posted a reply on “I Don’t Know.com”.]

 

Larry: Well, its all set up.

 

Tom: That's good my man!

 

[Metal Snake: *points to my spoiler* What’d I tell ya?]

 

Larry: Now..umm, if you could give me some privacy to make my video.

 

[Wumbo: Okay, EW.]

[Jjs: NO LARRY, DON'T DO IT! She may seem like a hot girl at first, but you never know who you are sending those things to!]

[Metal Snake: In case this doesn’t work out, I’ve always got my little friend here… *pats groin*]

 

Tom: Oh, ok

 

Larry: Yea

 

Tom: I'd, see you later.

 

[Jjs: I tried to warn him. Just don't be surprised if he gets arrested for pedophilia.]

[Metal Snake: *Muscle Man voice* Awkward.]

 

-----------------

 

Pearl was a high school girl, although she is very socially akward.

 

[Jjs: I thought this was Life of Larry the Krab, not Life of Pearl the Whale, which I highly doubt ANYONE wants to see.]

[Wumbo: Okay EW EW EW EW EW. Please come up with another way these two characters connect other than the one in my brain right now.]

[Metal Snake: To punish Larry for that awkward scene, we’re bringing in a new protagonist to steal his spotlight. That’ll teach him.]

 

Ms.Mcantee: Ok class, pair up for our frog cutting experiment.

 

[Jjs: "Mcantee"?]

[Wumbo: Usually there's an ulterior motive to cutting frogs open in science class, and usually the teacher would call it by its ulterior motive. Say, "dissection". But nope, this class is just stone cold cutting frogs because they were told to.]

[Metal Snake: Antee...ante? My life’s a chip in your pile, my students!]

 

Linus: Hey Pearl! Me, you, partneeerrrs!

 

[Wumbo: I need a security blanket.]

 

Pearl: Uh...welll...I was..

 

Linus: Lets start!

 

[Metal Snake: Let’s blitz!]

 

Pearl: A bit aggressive there tiger..

 

[Metal Snake: Linus...and a guy being a tiger…

 

What my brain is trying to process…

 

+   = ???

 

Ow, my head...]

 

Linus: I'm even more aggressive in bed, my little prey. (Gives Pearl the eye).

 

Pearl: *Shudders*

 

[Jjs: Looks like Larry won't be the only one arrested for pedophilia.]

[Wumbo: Well, if you were trying to make dissecting frogs seem less disgusting by comparison, mission accomplished.]

 

--------------

 

Over the next two weeks, Larry was associating with his online girlfriend Puffy.

 

[Wumbo: So what's for dinner tonight, Puff Mama? Pussy?

 

Also, "associating"? You're trying too hard to maintain a PG rating, especially since you lost it with that Linus comment earlier.]

[Metal Snake: Bet the hair on your head’s not the only thing on you that’s puffy…]

 

Tom: Have you saw her face yet?

 

[Metal Snake: He wants to saw her face? Okay, this show’s DEFINITELY lost the PG rating now.]

 

Larry: No, she likes her privacy. So do I.

 

[Jjs: That's usually a sign it's probably a lone 40 year old man. Get the cops ready, Larry.]

[Wumbo: Because you know, people who like their privacy divulge their personal information on sites populated by countless people.]

[Metal Snake: “I can not show you my face! It is confidential!”]

 

Tom: Really?

 

Larry: Oh my! I got a message from her. She's coming to visit!

 

[Metal Snake: “So anyways, how would you like to see me in person?”]

 

Tom: REALLY?

 

[Metal Snake: *sigh* I miss when Tom was getting all the “bro dude” talk…]

 

Larry: Yeaaaa!

 

[Jjs: That poor poor boy. I want to tell him the bad news now, but let's not ruin his fun. I'll call the cops now while I'm ahead of myself. *calls the Pedophile Police*]

 

--------------

 

Pearl: Linus, you didn't have to decorate my locker with hearts ya know.

 

Linus: Oh..you saw me?

 

[Metal Snake: Cuz I just thought Valentine’s Day came early.]

 

Pearl: Well..yea.

 

[Jjs: Pearl confirmed for stalker.]

 

Linus: So, wanna get some hot chocolate after school?

 

[Metal Snake: Of course. Bad boys drink hot chocolate. Coffee is for wusses.]

 

Pearl: No, because I actually have a life...and "some" friends.

 

[Wumbo: Says the "socially akward" teenager.]

[Metal Snake: ...That was probably the most normal thing he’s said to you and NOW you make a snappy comment?]

 

(Linus starts tearing)

 

[Jjs: Well, at least now we know this is the real Pearl.]

[Wumbo: I prefer to read "tearing" as "ripping people apart", and Linus just went on a rampage because he got rejected by some girl in his Frog-Killing Cult Physics 101 Class.]

[Metal Snake: Youse think you can break the heart of The Tiger and get away with it?! I’ll tear everything you love to shreds! Gwwwrrrraaaaaooooohhhhh!]

 

Pearl: Ooooh fine

 

Linus: Sweet, meet you at the cafe at 4 sharp.

 

[Metal Snake: The cafe’s name is 4 sharp? Was it originally an office supply store?]

 

------------------

 

Pearl was home from school.

 

[Metal Snake: Tarzan was busy from work.]

 

Pearl: Dad

 

Mr.Krabs: I'm here.

 

[Metal Snake: The award for “Oddest Introduction to Expositional Dialogue” goes to…]

 

Pearl: Well, this boy keeps hitting on me, he's annooying. What to do?

 

[Chris Hansen: Tell him to take a seat, take a seat, right over there.]

 

Mr.Krabs: I could pay money to have him shanked

 

[Wumbo: brb dying]

[Jjs: Mr. Krabs paying money, and stabbing people? Two out of character things in one sentence, impressive.]

[Metal Snake: Mr. Krabs...has ties to the mafia?! I knew he didn’t acquire all his money honestly, but wow.]

 

Pearl: WHAT?

 

[Metal Snake: My reaction exactly.]

 

Mr.Krabs: Oh nothing sweetie, deal with this yourself.

 

Pearl: UHHHH

 

[Jjs: So...may I ask, what does this subplot have to do with Larry the Krab? At all? Are we in a different spin-off? Please tell me we are.]

[Wumbo: Perhaps we're in the story that makes Larry and his Private PornChat videos seem less creepy by comparison.]

[Metal Snake: And this conversation builds to...nothing. Fun. Also, fun fact. Mr. Krabs is never seen again for the rest of this episode as punishment for topping Larry’s awkward moment.]

 

---------------

 

Larry came to the cafe.

 

[Metal Snake: It’s 4 sharp. It’s 4 sharp. Same cafe Linus mentioned. Easiest way to resolve both plots. It’s the same cafe, the climaxes for both stories will be resolved here.]

 

Lisa: Larry? What are you doing here

 

[Metal Snake: That’s what we should be asking you. When were you introduced into this show?]

[Jjs: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!]

 

Larry: I got a hot date!

 

Puffy walks.

 

[Wumbo: Puffy walks, J show me the way, cause the teenj trying to break me down.]

[Metal Snake: FRAGMENTS FTW!]

 

Puffy: Hi Larry!

 

Lisa: That's hot?

 

[Metal Snake: Beauty’s in the eye of the beholder. And I love how she refers to her like she would a thing. What a nice girl.]

 

Larry: (cringes) Dang!

 

[Jjs: Looks like Neptune has some competition as a douchebag player.]

 

Puffy: Don't I look fine.

 

Larry: You look..interesting...

 

[Jjs: Wait, so Puffy wasn't a 40 year old man in disguise? Well, looks like the cops aren't needed for once. *cancels call*]

[Metal Snake: What a nice guy.]

 

Lisa: I'll leave you two alone.

 

Puffy: So, I would like you to address me as Ms.Puff.

 

[Jjs: Mrs. Puff goes to online dating sites? Well, I suppose it's not the oddest thing to happen in this so far.]

[Metal Snake: Because you’ve been assigned to go to my school for that DUI.]

 

Larry: What happened to Mr.?

 

Ms.Puff: Oh..he's gone.

 

Larry: Its a wonder why.

 

[Wumbo: Ah yes, those old wacky hijinks involving your dating site troubles when the woman you pursue turns out to be an ugly cow! Every asshole can relate.]

[Metal Snake: Wonder if he would’ve said the same thing if she had said “dead” instead of “gone”. He’d be a bigger a-hole than Prince Neptune, for sure.]

 

--------------

 

Tom comes over Larry's house.

 

[Metal Snake: Already made a Tarzan joke, so instead, I’ll question Tom’s motive for sneezing milk all over Larry’s abode. O_O]

 

Tom: How was your "hot" date? Haha!

 

Larry: Lisa gave you the deeds huh?

 

[Jjs: What deeds? The deeds to the cafe?]

[Metal Snake: The dark deeds you have requested are done, ma’am.]

 

Tom: Yes she did. Man, Lisa told me that Ms.Puff put the at in freaking fat! (Laughs)

 

[Jjs: WHY LISA WHY WHY WHY?!?]

[Wumbo: You put the O in no.]

[Metal Snake: A ha ha. Making fun of women for being obese is funny...haha?]

 

Larry: Haha. Make all the jokes you want.

 

[Wumbo: You can start anytime.]

 

--------------

 

Larry and Ms.Puff went to the cafe.

 

Larry: So, I'll get us some hot chocolate.

 

[Metal Snake: Hot chocolate truly is the trademark drink of player boys. The more you know about Teenjiverse.]

 

Ms.Puff: You better get me two, I'm feeling skinny!

 

Larry: (whispers) You don't look.

 

[Jjs: I am now convinced this is not the Larry the Lobster we all know. This must be his douchey brother...it has to be.]

[Wumbo: Jesus, why are you going on a second date with her? Just dump her if it's not going to work out, it's better than this passive-aggressive bullshit.]

[Metal Snake: Oh boy, this again…just please stop…

 

 

]

 

Pearl: Listen Linus...I..

 

[Jjs: Oh...did we switch perspectives?]

[Metal Snake: After bad comedy comes mismatched dialogue, of course.]

 

Linus: Wait, look over there. A pretty lady sitting all around.

 

[Jjs: You could try to interpret "A pretty lady sitting all around" any way you want, and it'd make about as much sense as the famed "a trashes that fells really heavy" from acclaimed author Goosebumpsfan.]

 

Linus gets up and sits with Ms.Puff

 

[Jjs: Wait, did Linus just really ditch Pearl? Gosh, I know she's a bitch, but man, these people are assholes.]

[Metal Snake: I’m having flashbacks from Bikini Top…Oh yeah, and…*points to Same cafe line* again, what’d I tell ya?]

 

Linus: Ya know, I'm digging your fat.

 

[Wumbo: Pickup lines specially designed to get out the mace quickly, by Linus Frogkiller.]

[Metal Snake: Linus better be thanking God right now he lives in Teenjiverse, because if he ever told that to a woman in any other world…]

 

Ms.Puff: Really now. Hehe.

 

Linus: I always wanted a fat chick to wake up next to.

 

[Metal Snake: Be grateful you schmuck…]

 

Ms.Puff: And I always wanted a younger man to "lay" on me!

 

[Jjs: Uh...Linus is in high school...right?]

[Wumbo: Ew. Ew. EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW]

[Metal Snake: Funny a “chick” was mentioned earlier, because I can’t help but read that line thinking she means she wants him to lay an egg on her.]

 

Linus: Lets do stuff...raw stuff!

 

Ms.Puff: But, its illegal…

 

[Metal Snake: OMGWE’REBEINGEDGYIT’SFUNNY]

 

Linus: I won't tell if you wont!

 

Ms.Puff: OKAY!

 

[Jjs: Uh....]

 

(They run off together)

 

[Metal Snake: And later die of an overdose. A lesson to all of the kids about the dangers of “raw stuff”. Oh yeah, and drugs too.]

[Jjs: Well...I will say I was almost spot on with my pedophile jokes. Yeah...I think I'm going to phone the Pedophile Police again...*calls them*]

 

Larry: What happened to Ms.Puff.

 

[Jjs: I'm so cool that I use periods instead of question marks for questions! Eat that, Grammar Police!]

 

Pearl: She ran off with Linus, to....."do" stuff...appearantly "raw" stuff.

 

[Jjs: They're going to be humping raw meat, clearly.]

[Metal Snake: So it only appears to be “raw”. Huh.]

 

Larry: Oh yes! High five cousin!

 

(They high five)

 

[Jjs: So Larry interrupted their sex to give Linus a high five. This guy really is an asshole.]

[Metal Snake: High fiving doing drugs. What an excellent moral.]

 

---------------

 

Note: So, what do you guys think?

The series officially premiers in January.

 

[Jjs: Yeah....um.....I'm sorry Teenj....but what the hell did I just read?]

[Wumbo: I... think I need to wash my brain out.]

[Metal Snake: I’m...really not sure Teenj. I think I...need time to think.]

 

2. Larry The Puff

Spoiler

[Jjs: So, after the uh...whatever was Episode 1, teenj decided to cancel this, but Elastic bought the rights to continue it for two episodes that were more or less a joke. Might as well riff 'em to be fair.]
 

Episode 2: Larry The Puff

 

[Metal Snake: Larry the Cheetos Puffs.]

 

Larry: I'm home, honey!

Mary (his wife): Where were you last night? The strip club? *cue annoying laugh track*

 

[Jjs: Yup, he was being his self-centered douchebag self, two girls wanted to get inside his pants, but he got drunk, and also slept with a minor. In keeping with the themes of this spin-off so far, of course.]

[Wumbo: Who is Mary? How many girls are in this douchebag's life? I hope this one's at least nice and skinny for his tastes.]

[Metal Snake: No, I was working late at the office with my supervisor...ALL NIGHT LONG.]

 

Larry: No, but I learned that i'm cheating on you. *laugh track*

 

[Jjs: DUN DUN DUN.]

[Metal Snake: He didn’t know he was cheating on her? Did he forget to tell her that it was an open relationship?]

 

Mary: WITH WHO!?!? *cue "ooooh" from the audience*

 

[Metal Snake: Look at that shiny penny on the floor! Now what’s going on again?]

 

Larry: Mrs. Puff. *laughing and cheering from audience*

 

[Jjs: Damn, Mrs. Puff sure gets around.]

[Wumbo: No, audience! Don't cheer him! YOU'LL ONLY AWAKEN YET ANOTHER HIDDEN BEAST!]

[Metal Snake: The public actually really loves this stuff, and they love to admit it even more!]

 

Tom: HI-HO! WHAT'S GOING ON FELLAS? *cue laughing*

 

[Jjs: Eh, nothing much. Just some drama about cheating.]

[Wumbo: I demand Creepy Linus to make a surprise appearance.]

[Metal Snake: WWWWWAAAAAZZZZZUUUUUPPPPP?! Nothing, just chilling. Watching the game.]

 

Larry:...

Mary:...

 

[Jjs: Sheesh, if you wanted a tampon, just ask.]

[Metal Snake: DOT DOT DOT PERIOD    .]

 

Tom: I'll leave you two lovebugs alone. *cue laughing*

 

[Jjs: I'm wondering who consists of this audience. If that's your biggest question with this right now, I'd say you are in a good position.]

[Metal Snake: Let’s make love like bugs do! Just hope it doesn’t get TOO messy…]

 

*Mrs. Puff enters the room*

Larry: Puffy mama, wanna get drunk and have sex right in front of my wife?

 

[Jjs: So, what's for dinner tonight, Puff Mama? Hot lobster on puff sex with a side of alcohol?]

[Metal Snake: Wanna do raw stuff and have a praying mantis ritual too?]

 

Mrs. Puff: Sure! *laughing and cheering*

 

[Jjs: What happened to Linus anyways? Did Mrs. Puff realize he was a minor...actually, I still want to forget that ever happened.]

[Metal Snake: Laughing at debauchery. Worth the cheering.]

 

Mary: Oh, Larry! You're such a silly bastard! *laugh track, credits roll*

 

[Jjs: I'm guessing Mary thinks "get drunk and have sex right in front of my wife" is code for playing charades.]

[Metal Snake: I actually hope the audience the laugh track was recorded from was an actual audience, or else I now know that Steve and the Hobo from the Bus Station have a warped sense of humor.]

 

STARRING

BOG SAGET AS LARRY

 

[Wumbo: You got it, duge.]

 

SOME WASHED UP SITCOM ACTRESS AS MARY

 

[Metal Snake: Some washed up thing about Mary.]

 

LISA LAMPENELLI AS MRS. PUFF

RICHARD ANDERSON AS TOM

 

© 1990 FLAIL STUDIOS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

 

[Jjs: Bob Saget really takes this production home.]

[Wumbo: lol what am i doing with my life, srsly]

[Metal Snake: MORE LIKE FAIL STUDIOS

But what does their name mean? Are they a mace-producing company?]

 

3. Larry The Liar

Spoiler

Episode 3: Larry The Liar

 

[Wumbo: So ends the riffing of the parody.]

[Metal Snake: So much for trying honesty. Like it was relevant to the inappropriately titled pilot.]

 

Larry: Honey, i'm home!

 

[Metal Snake: Is that his catchphrase?]

 

Mary: Where have you been?

 

[Jjs: He was saving the world as a masked vigilante or some crap. Nothing too important.]

 

Larry (in silly voice): Nowhere. *laugh track*

 

[Wumbo: The text giveth, the laugh track taketh away.]

[Metal Snake: Even imaginary laugh tracks grow tiring…]

 

Mary: Were you out with that Pearl bitch again? *cue oooh*

 

[Metal Snake: 

 

Look what you did...you made a little girl cry!]

 

Larry: PEARL IS NOT A BITCH! SHE'S A WHORE! *laugh track*

 

[Wumbo: This show turned into Two and a Half Men so fast, I didn't even notice.]

[Metal Snake: Personally, I’d rather be a dog than a prostitute.]

[Jjs: Well, now we know why Linus was so interested in having her in bed.]

 

*Pearl walks in* Pearl: Hi Mary! Hi Larry! Hi Terry! *laugh track*

 

Larry: Who's Terry? *laugh track*

 

[Metal Snake: Oh look! THERE’S TERRY!]

 

Pearl: My new boyfriend!

 

[Jjs: Just hope he's not aggressive in bed like Linus.]

 

Larry:..But I gave you my life savings.

 

[Metal Snake: ...What for? To bribe her not to cheat on him?]

 

Mary: YOU DID WHAT? *cue oooh*

 

[Metal Snake: Hey, you know what they say about Larry. When something smells, it’s always the Butz…]

[Wumbo: Where's that Barb-y Q pic that Steel had?]

[Jjs:  ]

 

Larry: DIE BITCH! *pulls out shotgun and shoots Pearl*

 

[Wumbo: A fitting ending to this story.]

[Jjs: The moral of this story is: Always have a shotgun ready if you get attacked by a bitch.]

 

*dead silence*

 

[Metal Snake: ...And I guess that statement goes for murder too. O_O]

 

Mary:..Oh, I just love you Larry! *clapping and bawwing*

 

[Metal Snake: Murder is so cute.]

 

Larry: Now to get rid of the body. *laugh track*

 

[Metal Snake: Disposing of a corpse is somehow hilarious. Maybe this audience doesn’t have a sick sense of humor, they just think that everything is funny.]

[Jjs: Sounds like the same audience that laughs at Disney Channel sitcoms, then.]

 

STARRING

BOG SAGET AS LARRY

 

[Metal Snake: Bob Saget got turned into a swamp.]

 

SOME WASHED UP SITCOM ACTRESS AS MARY

PAM ANDERSON AS PEARL

 

© 1990 FLAIL STUDIOS. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

 

[Wumbo: Excellent job Elastic. Excellent.]

[Metal Snake: Okay, while these two parody episodes by Elastic were actually alright, I have to be honest, they didn’t really leave a great impact on me (no offense). As for the actual show, I’m sorry teenj, but it’s definitely my least favorite work of yours. While I wouldn’t go as far to call it “So Bad, It’s Horrible” as I once remember it being called, I didn’t enjoy reading it that much at all, not even when it came to lulziness. It’s just a very awkward show to me.]

[Jjs: Once again, Bob Saget really takes this production home.

 

But yeah, sorry Teenj, this was definitely your weakest work, and I know you can do so much better. Thankfully you have, and I know you seem to regret writing the first episode. Elastic's parodies were lulzy, but not super funny, and they didn't really give us much to riff. So, what's next? Heh....you'll just have to find out...]

 

*coughsomethingrelatedtovampiresandwerewolvescough*

 

Edited April 25, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Wumbo]

I'm feeling skinny!

 

YOU DON'T LOOK

[Old Man Jenkins]

Goddamn, dat yugioh gx reference, Luke.

[Clappy]

I want in on some of what's next.

[So Sejima]

NO JJS DON'T DO IT MAN, DON'T DO IIIIITTTTT!!!!!!! Eh I might as well get on the torture train too. 

[I'M A TRASH CAN]

Can I be in the next episode?

[So Sejima]

HAPPY YEAR ANNIVERSARY! *confetti shows up everywhere*

[Jjs Goodman]

The time has come.

 

Bikini Top Season 2

 

21. To All of You

Spoiler

[Jjs: Well everyone, the time has come. A year later, we're back to finishing the riffs for what is said to be the "#1 Spin-Off". Now, I have to admit, my riffs for Bikini Top Season 1 aren't the best looking back. I was a bit too harsh and got really repetitive. I feel like I didn't go in depth much with my issues, or try to be witty, but then again, they were my first riffs. Well that's going to change this season. We're going all out with our issues. Last time, a bunch of teenage drama crap happened, people died, yada yada yada. For those who have long forgotten, feel free to reread the old S1 riffs. Now...take it away Heath Ledger (RIP)...

 

]

[Trophy:  ]

[Wumbo: I'm ready... no, scared... I'm ready... no, scared...]

[CNF: Welp, back to the old grind.]

[Hayden: I've missed this. Just like I miss having braces. Ah, teenage years, I wish mine were as amazing as what 70s portrayed in this addicting story. Not the good kind of addiction mind you. Wait, is there any kind of addiction that's good? *continues rambling on for 12 minutes*]

 

S2E1 (21)- To All of You: Last season on Bikini Top... Wedding bells! Brenda and Tristan finally did the "I do." But that totally wasn't all that happened in the show's more-than-epic season finale. Jake and Jackie's child is also FINALLY born. They decide to keep it, and name it Charlea. Temperance and her sister, Mikayla, become friends again while at the wedding, and Mikayla tells Temperance a story about their father. Trevor and Naomi grow closer, and he formally meets her friends. Anna tells the girls about what happened, and goes to the hospital, only to find out the man she ran over, Hersht Gables, is dead. She tries to cut herself, but doesn't like it at all. She decides to turn herself in. When she does so, she is taken to a juvenile detention center. What could possibly happen now?

 

[CNF: Oh, I don't know, maybe something interesting?]

[Wumbo: Wow, it's like I died and went to Tumblr Fanfiction Land. Where did I go wrong?]

 

Summer. A time for friends, love, and relaxation.

 

[Trophy: *Pounds head into table repeatedly* BORING BORING BORING BORING!]

 

Anna has none of the above. 

 

[CNF: ...and why should I care?]

[Jjs: dead]

[Wumbo: Death would be preferable to this. Unless you go to Tumblr Fanfiction Land.]

[Hayden: Is Anna supposed to be the equivalent of Travis? The feels here...]

 

Since the day after Brenda and Tristan Hogan's wedding, she had been in a juvenile detention center, since she killed Hersht Gables while driving under the influence.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Anna gets arrested despite the fact the town was looking for Hersht since he killed Bryan's dad. Looks like your point will never be answered, Hayden.]

[Hayden: Anna done did mess up mighty fine killing that not in any way forced hero.]

[Wumbo: Welp, I missed the episode where 70s decided "Hersht" was a name that people have.]

 

It was torture, there were a bunch of criminals in there.

 

[Trophy:   ]

[Jjs: Orly 70s? I thought a juvenile detention center wouldn't contain criminals at all!]

[Hayden: 70s needs to lock himself in there for writing this forced narrative for Anna. Why did it have to be Hersht Gables that she conveniently ran over? It couldn't have been some random fish so that at least part of this makes sense?]

[Wumbo: 70s should be put in juvenile detention for story massacre.]

 

Anna did something horrible, but she wasn't a criminal.

 

[Wumbo: Yes you are. You committed a crime. You're a criminal. Sorry to have to be the one to tell you.]

 

Her trial was in a few weeks, so she didn't have that much longer in the hellhole.

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rasZzenuYxI ]

[CNF: Still cracks me up a year later.]

[Hayden: Oo! Oo! I want a theme song  ]

 

It was the end of July. Naomi was talking on the phone with her boyfriend, Trevor. 

 

[Jjs: Who's Trevor? My apologies, it's been so long since Season 1...hold on a second.

 

*goes back and rereads Season 1*

 

Uh....who was Trevor again?

 

*reads more*

 

Oh, I see now. She met him at that dance in Season 1, Episode 19. How much you guys want to be he'll have absolutely no personality whatsoever as a bland love interest? Well, maybe I should be fair and give him a chance...but I'm just going to say if it takes me quite a while to remember a character, you know we're off to a good start.]

[Trophy: It's been over a year jjs, plus he's only been in for 2 episodes, so give him a fair shot first. Oh wait, this is a 70s fic. KILL HIM WITH *remembers laws of physics and they're underwater* FUUUUUUUUUUUUU-]

[CNF: There are no laws of physics on television, Trophy. In the case of this spin-off though, we might have to enforce the laws a bit.]

[Hayden: Who the hell is Naomi? No, no, I'm kidding, she was the one doing cocaine or something. That's literally all I remember about this bland bitch.]

 

Both of them had been thinking of sealing the deal on their relationship all summer.

 

[CNF: Whoa boy I know where this is going...]

[Wumbo: Joining the two in the sacred union of... Jex.]

 

"So... you want to come over to my place tonight?" Trevor asked her.

 

Naomi didn't say anything for a while.

 

[CNF: 

]

[Wumbo: Okay Trevor, uh... are you sure it's BOTH of you that want to "seal the deal"? (God, that is the squarest way to describe having sex ever. Next to Jex, that is.)]

[Trophy: How long? A year? Sokka, get me some more cactus juice...]

 

"You don't have to if you don't want to," Trevor told her.

 

"Oh, I want to," Naomi asked. "I just spaced out for a minute. What time do I need to be there?"

 

[CNF: I bet she was thinking how wonderful the "jex" is gonna feel...]

 

~~~

 

Jackie was giving Charlea her bottle when the phone rang. It was her wonderful boyfriend and father to Charlea, Jake.

 

[Jjs: 

>Jake

>"wonderful"

 

dead again]

[Hayden: Ah yes, the committed father. That's exactly what Jake was in s1. Right? Right?!]

 

"Hey," Jackie said.

 

"Hey," Jake said. "What are you doing tonight?"

 

[Jjs: Eh, nothing much. Just have to save the world from a super villain or some crap, nothing special.]

[CNF: What a wonderful piece of conversation. *coughfillermuchcough*]

 

"Well, obviously watching Charlea," Jackie said. "I thought you were coming."

 

"Well I have a better idea!" Jake said. "Let's go to the movies."

 

[Trophy: ...Do you even know a proper babysitter?]

[Jjs: So instead of looking after their child, Jake continues to be an obnoxious douche. Well, at least that's one thing that carried over from Season 1 thus far.]

[CNF: This is why you don't knock up your girl till you're ready folks!]

[Hayden: They better not bring Charlea. I hate when people take babies to movies. Just leave it on the floor in your house. It'll still be there when you get back....probably.]

 

"You mean a date?" Jackie asked.

 

"Definitely," Jake replied.

 

"We haven't been on a date all summer, Jake," Jackie said.

 

[Jjs: Gee, I wonder why...]

[Hayden: These young' ins need to manage their time better, baby or no baby, I'm sure you can squeeze in at least one date a week.]

[Wumbo: It's almost as if he's trying to rekindle the relationship! Oh... right. Kids. Kids ruin everything.]

 

"So let's go on one now," Jake said. "We both deserve a night out and you know it. We've been totally stressed and exhasted, and Bryan said this movie is amazing."

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: exhausted

 

Oh and Bryan exists.]

 

"Well fine," Jackie said. "Morgan can watch Charlea. For some reason she's really eager to."

 

[CNF: RRRRRRRRRRRAPE!]

 

"Maybe she likes babies," Jake said.

 

[Jjs: Don't make me call the Pedophile Police...]

[Hayden: I wonder if leaving Charlea with Morgan will lead to any hijinks? NAH!]

 

"Maybe," Jackie said, and sighed. "Well, I'm gonna get dressed and I'll meet you in an hour."

 

[Wumbo: "Maybe. I'm gonna get ready for it and set up a specific meeting time, so perhaps I meant to say 'definitely'. But editing, screw it."]

[CNF: Is this suggesting this entire time she's been in the nude? Not sure how to feel about this.]

 

"Bye," Jake said.

 

"I love you," Jackie said.

 

"Love you too," Jake said. "Bye."

 

"Bye," Jackie said. She shut her phone, and put it in her purse. She decided to go and ask Morgan to babysit Charlea, and noticed Morgan had her shirt partly pulled up, to reveal a small bruise on her stomach.

 

[CNF: Small bruise? Ooooh boy please not another knocked up chick.]

[Jjs: "Morgan, you look like you're hiding a dirty little secret."]

[Hayden: Don't be a pretty little liar about it.]

[Wumbo: Maybe this whole family (friend?) dynamic would make more sense if I bothered with reading previous episodes, but I don't like begging for minutes of my life back.]

 

Morgan sees Jackie's reflection in the mirror, and quickly puts her shirt down, hoping she hadn't noticed.

 

"Morgan..." Jackie said, "what was that?"

 

"Nothing," Morgan said. "I just hit my dresser and I was looking to see how bad the bruise was. Not that bad, right?"

 

Jackie pondered at Morgan's story, and chose to believe it. For the time being. "Yeah," she said thoughtfully. "Not that bad at all."

 

[Jjs: And...so, what was the point of that? Oh, padding.]

[Wumbo: Jackie wistfully remembers her first hickey.]

[Hayden: Jackie's such a good friend. Oh, should I be concerned about this? Nah, I have a movie to catch with Jake.]

 

"So what did you need?" Morgan asked.

 

[Trophy: A memory eraser.]

[CNF: Amen.]

 

"Oh, Jake wanted to go to the movies in an hour," Jackie said. "And I was wondering if you could watch Charlea for us. I know it's asking for a lot, but you seem to like being around her, and she loves her Aunt Morgan, that's for sure. So what do you say?"

 

"Sure," Morgan said. She felt like she owed Jackie. She kissed her boyfriend, the father of her child, on the last day of school.

 

[Trophy: Uhh, did 70s forget that Jake and Morgan used to date? Because I'm pretty sure they kissed each other many times before, along with when they had Jex. INCONSISTENCY POLICE!]

[Jjs: Exactly what Trophy said. I'm pretty sure she has more to owe to Jackie than just a kiss since she had some "hot" Jex with Jake after all.]

[Hayden: Oh yeah, Jake gets around. Almost forgot. And 70s is still trying to make us believe that sappy shit Jake said about the beauty of raising a child in the s1 finale is genuine. Mmkay. Maybe he'll have two soon.]

[Wumbo: Okay, I was gonna let it go the first time. But that's twice that "HER BOYFRIEND THE FATHER OF HER CHILD" has appeared. What's up with the unnecessary wording? Oh, right... padding.]

 

So she could handle babysitting. That's why she was constantly offering to change Charlea's diaper, and feed her, and babysit her while Jackie left the house. She still enjoyed the baby girl, but that wasn't the reason she was always desperate to help Jackie.

 

"Thank you so much," Jackie said, feeling totally grateful to Morgan. The image of that bruise was still in her head. She wondered if Morgan was telling the truth. She decided that it was best to trust her friend, and not call her a liar when there was no proof against what she was saying.

 

[Wumbo: Oh my god EDIT, FOR GOD'S SAKE EDIT.]

 

Liam seemed like a nice guy, and Morgan certainly wasn't hurting herself. Was she? Jackie dismissed that thought immediately, and went to get dressed.

 

[Jjs: Uh...Liam?

 

*rereads Season 1 again*

 

Oh yeah, the douchebag that didn't remember Morgan after having sex with her. I love how she apparently didn't tell her friends about this. Now, I know this might be an insane idea, but I'm pretty sure if you are in a bad relationship, you should at least be able to tell some friends for help, unless Morgan is just socially isolated for losing her virginity (still loling at that whole Celibacy Club).]

[Hayden: Unlike Liam, I'm good at keeping track of which girls I've slept with. I write them in my diary. ......No, I'm not an involuntary member of the Celibacy Club, what makes you think that?]

 

~~~

 

Temperance was home watching Alex 

 

[Jjs: Alex?

 

*rereads Season 1 again*

 

Oh yeah, their daughter that only gets like 5 seconds of screen-time and is never mentioned again.]

[Hayden: So, how much you guys want to bet either Alex or Charlea will be dead by the end of this chapter or season? That's one more overly dramatic thing 70s still needs to do.]

 

while her mother and Tristan were on a date. Mikayla 

 

[Jjs: Mikayla?

 

*rereads Season 1....AGAIN*

 

Oh yeah, Temperance's sister. Christ on a cross, if I can't remember the characters this easily, granted even after a long break, you know there's an issue here.]

 

walked into the door with a movie from Codbuster.

 

[Jjs: 

]

[Trophy: Oh...haha, I get it because Blockbuster...and fish...and...yikes, that's not really funny. Sokka, get me more cactus juice.]

[Wumbo: Wait, that's supposed to be a pun? Is it supposed to be "Ghostbusters"? Well maybe that could kind of work IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE SUPERNATURAL BEINGS IN YOUR GODDAMN SPIN-OFF.]

[Hayden: It's a shame Codbuster closed down. Good thing we still have Netfish. *gets fruit thrown at* It sounded clever in my head!]

[CNF: No worries Hayden, I use Netfish too. Codbuster is so 20 years ago.]

 

"What movie didja get?" Temperance asked.

 

[Jjs: Because I can totally imagine a teenager in High School saying "didja".]

[Hayden: They probably like playing Didja-Mon, bunch of amateurs.]

 

"Some romantic comedy," Mikayla said. "The girl at the register said it was good, so I rented it. You feel like watching it with me? It can be like Girl's Night Out."

 

[Trophy: Minus the out, and the night, and the girls. Plus, "Girl's Night Out" shouldn't be capitalized. Is that a movie name or else is there a grammar error here? If so...GRAMMAR POLICE!]

[Jjs: So...the cashier sell offs a movie that neither her nor Mikayla knew the name of? There's no...title or anything on the cover? This is why we need to stop hiring so many deadbeats for jobs.]

[Hayden: Two girls is a girls night out? Aren't both of them forever alone anyways? Or do they both have bland love interests I can't remember the name of?]

 

"That reminds me of that crappy Haddock Bodaddock song," Temperance said. "What was it called?"

 

[Trophy: Haha, I get it...it's funny because...um...

 

]

[CNF: This does not compute. *explodes*]

[Jjs: Never mind my Codbuster joke, at least you tried there. I don't even know what this is supposed to be a pun for (the Haddock fish?), but until I see something musical related named Haddock, this "pun" is terrible and you should feel awful.]

[Hayden: I'm not even sure what Haddock Bodaddock is supposed to be referring to in real life terms.]

 

"GNO?" Mikayla asked. She then began intentionally dancing really crappily, and chanting "Let's go, GNO, let's go, GNO! WOOHOO!! It's a girl's night... out."

 

[CNF: What the actual fuck did I just read?]

[Trophy: *starts to get near G.U.N. Truck*]

[Wumbo: You're lucky. We live in a world with Jason Derulo.]

 

Temperance laughed. She was enjoying being with her sister.

 

[CNF: Good for you, cause I'm not enjoying a word I'm reading.]

 

"So when are you going back to college?" Temperance asked. "Like, when does your summer break end?"

 

[CNF: I would have assumed by "going back" you meant it was never ending. Thanks for the pointer Temperance.]

[Wumbo: "So when are you going back to college? Like, when are you going back to college?" EDIT!]

 

"Oh," Mikayla said. "It doesn't."

 

"Why?" Temperance asked.

 

"You're looking at one Bikini Bottom University's many dropouts," Mikayla said. 

 

[Jjs: Encouraging people to drop out of college. Thank you 70s for your morals.]

[Hayden: Way to go girl, to hell with education. Dropping out is all the rage.]

 

"Me and college just aren't a good match. I can find a job here."

 

[Jjs: Maybe you can get a job at the Smoothie Shack since it seems to be the only job this town has.]

[Hayden: A dead end job. Mikayla is a go-getter everybody.]

 

"Sure you can," Temperance said sarcastically.

 

[Wumbo: Temperance frowned. She was not enjoying being with her sister.]

 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mikayla asked.

 

"Who's going to hire a twenty-year-old college dropout?" Temperance asked.

 

[Trophy: What's the only place around?]

[Wumbo: McDonald's. Or, I don't know, McFishald's or whatever non-pun you can think of.]

 

"The Smoothie Shack hired your friend, Jake," Mikayla said. "Why wouldn't they hire me?"

 

[Trophy: I can think of ten good reasons.]

[Jjs: WAIT LOLWUT. LMAO I WROTE THAT SMOOTHIE SHACK JOKE ABOVE WITHOUT EVEN SEEING THIS

 

This just goes to show how predictable 70s is.]

[Hayden: Something tells me the Smoothie Shack would hire a hobo if one happened to stumble in. What with all their impeccable standards of hiring Jake and the SpongeBob gang.]

 

"Why would you want a job at the Smoothie Shack?" Temperance asked.

 

[Jjs: What did I tell ya? It's the only job this town has.]

[Hayden: It's prestigious and it's the only place 70s can possibly think of that would hire people. Why wouldn't Mikayla want it?]

 

"Where else am I going to work?" Mikayla asked.

 

[Wumbo: jjs for Predicting Prez 2014]

 

"You said it yourself, there aren't that many places that would want to hire me. It's kind of my only option for work in Bikini Top. I don't want to go out of town to work. That's just not convenient to me. Therefore, my choice is the Smoothie Shack."

 

[Wumbo: I haven't heard a speech that long-winded since... a couple paragraphs ago.]

 

"Cool," Temperance said.

 

[Trophy: Oh haha, I get it because her name is temperance....and...temperature...

 

]

[Jjs: I'm loving the lack of caring that went into that comment. Instead of a reply that maybe could've been a few words longer to fit this conversation, we get a "Cool" that was probably whipped up in two seconds. 70s' writing is so cool.]

[Hayden: Mikayla's decision is pretty cool. And so unique as well.]

 

"Why?" Mikayla asked.

 

"You can serve me smoothies," Temperance said, and stuck out her tongue.

 

"You wish, bitch," Mikayla said.

 

[Wumbo: If you work at The Smoothie Shack, and she walks in to order a smoothie, you have to serve her a smoothie. It's... it's kind of in the job description.] 

 

"Did you just call me a bitch?" Temperance asked jokingly, and laughed. 

 

[Jjs: Yes, you are now a female dog. Congratulations.]

[Trophy: HEEL!]

[Hayden: This sister relationship feels so authentic. Give 70s all the awards and smoothies.]

 

She punched her sister playfully, and her sister punched back. They did that for a few minutes, eventually falling onto the couch, cracking up.

 

"I missed you," Mikayla said.

 

"Missed you too," Temperance said.

 

"Wanna watch this?" Mikayla asked, and held up the movie.

 

"Sure," Temperance said. "Just let me put Alex to bed."

 

[Trophy: Oh cool, so now Alex is too big to fit into a crib now. How tall is she, 7 feet?]

[Jjs: Aww, family bonding! Too bad it's just more padding.]

[Hayden: Get a room you two. Yeesh, I'll take some stupid death happening over this fluff.]

[CNF: So that argument ended up turning into a pillow fight of sugar drops and rainbows. How wonderful.]

 

~~~

 

"Well Sandra," Principal Fish said,

 

[Jjs: YES, MY FAVORITE CHARACTER! I knew even he couldn't stay out of the S2 premiere.]

[CNF: WOOP WOOP PRINCIPAL FISH WUT UP!]

 

"your resume impresses me. Lord Reginald and Professor Percy, your previous employers, have said mostly positive things about you. And Mr. Krabs, a friend, says that you get along well with everyone, so I'm sure the kids will like you."

 

"So I got the job?" Sandy asked.

 

[Jjs: Oh...could it be? 70s is finally doing something with the SpongeBob characters? And by that I mean not having them stand around and spit out dialogue that has nothing to do with anything else going on.]

[Hayden: That's unfortunate. There are already enough cheesy story lines going on.]

[Trophy: Shouldn't Sandy have better things to do than be a teacher, like finding a cure for Fishcer? *gets brick thrown at head*]

 

"Start making lesson plans," Principal Fish said. "The first day of school is in a month."

 

[sandy: Alright, I got the job...wait...what the hell am I teaching again?]

[Wumbo: Not gonna lie, I thought that section of text went rather well. I'm sorry, I'll have more jokes coming.]

 

~~~

 

("Shut Up" by Black Eyed Peas plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: I already made tons and tons and tons of joke criticisms about how real-life songs play underwater last season. So I'm just going to reply to this with a:

 

 

Expect this running gag a lot this season.]

[Hayden: Oh shut up 70s.]

 

Liam came over to see Morgan. She opened the door, and frowned when she saw him. "What the hell do you want?"

 

"To see my sexy lady," Liam said, and pulled up her shirt.

 

[Jjs: ATTENTION PEDOPHILE POLICE, WE HAVE A BREAK-IN AT UH...SOME...UNDERWATER?...HOME, GO!]

[CNF: I SHALL CALL THE JUSTICE LEAGUE!

 

*waits 5 minutes*

 

Okay so apparently they have better things to do than to fight fish pedos.]

[Wumbo: I'm sorry, I just can't get disturbed about anything sex-related anymore after Mrs. Puff and Linus got it on.]

[Hayden: Wow, this guy has swag. I should pull this move on my girlfriend when I get one.]

 

"Liam, I'm not in the mood tonight," Morgan said. "And I'm babysitting Charlea."

 

"It's past her bedtime," Liam said.

 

[Wumbo: How the fuck do you know that, creepo?]

 

"Do you not want me to come in?"

 

"No," Morgan said. "I don't want you to come in. At all."

 

"Why?" Liam asked.

 

Morgan pulled up her shirt to reveal the bruise on her stomach. "Remember this?"

 

"Yeah," Liam said. "You were being a bitch, so I put you in line."

 

[Trophy: ...Uh...am I too young to know what he's talking about?]

[CNF: Liam, I hate to tell you this but...you're not in the Indian Ocean. *hehe*]

[Jjs: Ah, domestic violence. Loving 70s' morals once again.]

[Hayden: Damn 70s is really going there. Only the number 1 spin-off would rush into such a hard hitting topic. I wonder if Morgan will use any common sense at all in this situation.]

[Wumbo: Uh... Jesus Christ.]

[Jesus: You called?]

[Wumbo: No, but... stay close. I might need you later.]

 

"Shut up and leave me alone," Morgan said.

 

[Wumbo: I'm not one to blame the victim for domestic abuse, but... JUST SHUT THE DOOR AND LOCK IT YOU IDIOT]

 

"Fine," Liam said. He slapped her across the face and left.

 

"Ouch," Morgan said, and started to cry.

 

[Trophy: Liam used existing. Morgan instead of fainting cried until dehydration and died.]

[Jjs: Wow, I can totally image a girl being slapped across the face and just passively saying "Ouch".]

[Hayden: 70s really knows how to lighten the mood of these situations with his intentionally pathetic lines....oh wait, you mean he's trying to be serious?]

[Wumbo: So... does 70s even listen to the songs he puts in to play during each scene? Like, maybe a dance tune by The Black Eyed Peas wasn't the best mood choice here? Oh... The Black Eyed... Oh, oh my.

You're a dark man, Travis.]

 

~~~

 

("Breakeven" by The Script plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fBr6aUrSeg ]

 

Naomi rang on Trevor's doorbell. He let her in.

 

"Hey," Naomi said.

 

"Hey," he replied.

 

[The Fonz: Eyyy.]

[Randy Jackson: Sup dawgs!]

[Wumbo: ACTION, DIALOGUE! This spin-off has neither!]

 

She walked inside, and got on the couch. He sat down as well, and they both talked and talked, but then they stopped talking, and kissed.

 

[Wumbo: Gosh, I sure hope they weren't saying anything impor- oh wait, no one in this spin-off says anything important!]

 

After a few minutes of kissing, Trevor asked, "Wanna... take this upstairs?"

 

"Definitely," Naomi said.

 

After the deed was done,

 

[Wumbo: OH MY GOD YOU COULD NOT BE SQUARER IF YOU TRIED]

 

both had wide grins on their faces.

 

[Jjs: YES! I knew we'd get back to 70s' forced in and awkward fish sex scenes. It was only a matter of time.]

[Trophy: No jjs, it's Jex, remember?]

[Hayden: I thought it was Jex scenes. What the heck 70s, kids are watching this.]

[Wumbo: "Wide grins" after sex? That is just the scariest imagery. Keep your Joker sex away from me, thank you.]

 

"So... that was sex..."

 

[Trophy: JEX YOU LITTLE RATS!]

 

Trevor said. "Wow. You're good."

 

[Jjs: Wait, so 70s can slap together as much bland romance as he wants, but can't show us sex scenes? I call foul.]

[Hayden: Telling instead of showing is basically 70s big writing rule. And ironically his most consistent part.]

[Wumbo: Okay, three strikes and you're out. "Seal the deal"? "Deed was done"? Fine, I can grudgingly accept those as creative spins on saying "have sex". But NOBODY, I mean NOBODY, has the first thing out of their mouths be "So... that was sex...", even if they were a virgin. Do you get out often, 70s? You should try it! Maybe you'll learn how people actually fucking speak.]

 

"You're a virgin?" Naomi asked. "Well... were."

 

"Yeah," Trevor said. "You were my first. And maybe my last, too."

 

[Jjs: Now I know how it felt for Johnny and Lisa to have sex. Except ten times more awkward.]

[Hayden: And maybe his last? Before he gets killed off? Or is he already in love with the crack addict?]

 

"You sure do like rushing things, don't you?" Naomi asked.

 

"Well, we dated more than three months before having sex," he said.

 

"You call that waiting?" Naomi laughed.

 

"Kinda," Trevor said.

 

"Well, I call it rushing," Naomi said. "But it's okay. I haven't had sex since I was on coke."

 

[Trophy: Coke is a drug now? Shouldn't that be caffeine in general, like coffee?]

[CNF: Well Trophy, Coca-Cola did have "coke" in it once, if you catch my drift...]

[Wumbo: Excuse me while I fast forward through this increasingly pointless dialogue scene.]

 

"Wow," Trevor said. "I keep forgetting you did drugs."

 

[Jjs: So do we.]

[CNF: It's for the best jjs.]

[Hayden: Funny, that's the only thing I can remember.]

 

"It's probably best you did," Naomi said.

 

"So, you wanna do it again?" Trevor asked.

 

"Actually... yeah," Naomi said.

 

[Jjs: ....Is she referring to drugs or sex?

 

YOU DECIDE!]

[Hayden: Both at once I hope. Let's make this the most hardcore season premiere EVER.]

[CNF: Sex. or Jex. w/e.]

 

~~~

 

Jake and Jackie arrived at the movie theater.

 

[Jjs: Balls Almighty, how long were they driving there? That sure as hell didn't feel like an hour.]

[CNF: Welcome to Hollywood.]

[Hayden: This movie better be worth the wait.]

[Wumbo: Aaaand Jake and Jackie arrive at the movie thea-wait, what? Did I hit reverse instead of fast forward?... No, I guess they took a really long time to get to the movie theatre. Huh, this must be why they don't go on dates very often. Must be hard when the only local dating location is The Smoothie Shack.]

 

While they were waiting in line for tickets, Jackie told Jake about what she had saw on Jackie's stomach.

 

[Trophy: LOLOLOLOLO OH MY GOD OK THAT IS FUNNY ON HOW WRONG THAT IS! IT COULDN'T BE MORE OFF AT ALL!]

[Wumbo: You mean "Morgan's stomach", right?

All right, enough is enough. jjs, I'd like to add another brigade to our growing police force of sucky writing: The LAZY EDITING POLICE! 70s, put your hands where I can see them.]

[Jjs: I approve. I demand 70s be sentenced to reread this as his punishment.]

 

"I don't know," Jake said. "It's probably nothing."

 

"I know, but I still can't stop thinking about it," Jackie said.

 

"Don't worry about it," Jake said. "Just go find us a seat, I'll get us some popcorn and a drink."

 

[Jjs: Listen here girl, I'm the only one around here that decides what we eat and drink, so just sit down and shut up!]

 

"Cookie Dough Bites, too?" Jackie asked.

 

[CNF: God dammit now I want Cookie Dough Bites. Time to go to the movie theater.]

 

"Of course," Jake said. He kissed her, and she went to get a seat.

 

~~~

 

Morgan's cheek was feeling a little better. Not by much. Liam had been beating her for a couple of weeks. She didn't want to leave him, because she was afraid of what he would do if she did. But it was starting to get worse. She was starting to get really scared. She wondered if she should tell Jackie, or her parents, Heather and Drake. 

 

[Jjs: I didn't know a famous rapper and a Total Drama Island character were Morgan's parents.

 

x 

 

Hey, I'm not going to question it, so neither should you.]

[Trophy: RIP Aleheather. 2013-2014. We all knew it'd never last.]

[Hayden: Of course Morgan didn't think to tell the police or any of her friends. This isn't cliché at all.]

 

She decided against it. She could live with the pain. She heard Charlea start to cry. She went to retrieve her, but heard the phone ring. She considered getting the phone, but decided Charlea, an infant, was much more important than someone calling her.

 

[Wumbo: Actually forget the Lazy Editing Police. I introduce to you the WHO GIVES A DAMN POLICE, at your side when unnecessary details are not edited out. Seriously, what's the point of this? Who wanted to see Morgan choose between baby and phone, especially if...]

 

She grabbed Charlea, then answered the phone.

 

[Wumbo: ...SHE WAS GOING TO CHOOSE THEM BOTH ANYWAY.]

 

"Hello?" she asked.

 

It was her mother, Heather.

 

[Wumbo: Her mother, Heather, daughter of her grandmother.]

 

"Hey," Heather said. "I was wondering how you were doing."

 

"I'm fine," Morgan said. "So when are you getting home?"

 

"In a week," Heather said. "This business meeting is important."

 

[Jjs: What business meeting lasts a week?]

[CNF: That one meeting that...lasts a week?]

[Hayden: Maybe the meeting is on the other side of the ocean. Or at Shell City.]

[Wumbo: "Let's call this meeting to order. What are we going to do about our badly written children?"]

 

"Oh," Morgan said. "Dad's coming home with you, right?"

 

"Um..." Heather said.

 

"What is it, Mom?" Morgan asked.

 

"Your father isn't with me," Heather said.

 

"What do you mean?" Morgan asked. "You said he was. Where is he?"

 

[Jjs: He's busy living his career as a rapper.]

[Hayden: Was he killed off? Come on 70s, go extreme or go home.]

 

"We're getting a divorce, honey," Heather told her daughter. "I'm so sorry, we just haven't been getting along for the past few months."

 

[Trophy: Uh...can I call up a new police squad, too? OUT OF NOWHERE POLICE!]

[Jjs: Fine with me Trophy. Ah, I missed the redundant crammed in drama.]

[CNF: Heather just couldn't take all of the late night rap sessions no mo.]

[Hayden: A divorce? 70s, I don't think you've covered nearly enough issues teens go through in one chapter. Step up your game.]

[Wumbo: Look! More drama! More drama for Morgan! Just pile it on, 70s, ya bastard! Make the poor girl's knees buckle under all the painstaking DRAMA!]

 

"How long has this been going on?" Morgan asked.

 

[Wumbo: For the past few months, you twat.]

 

"Since June," Heather answered.

 

"And you didn't tell me?" Morgan asked, sounding hurt and very angry.

 

[Jjs: She was hurt and VERY angry? Say what you will about 70s, but at least he was specific!]

[Hayden: We're finally getting somewhere, Morgan is totally not a cardboard character anymore, she feels hurt and very angry. Though apparently she isn't this worked up by getting abused.]

 

"No," Heather said. "Baby, I'm so sorry."

 

"Save it," Morgan said. "You don't care about me. You're always working. You and Dad. And when something important like this happens, you choose not to tell me. It didn't slip your mind. You just didn't think it was important enough to tell me. Or you didn't think I was important enough to tell it to. And you know what, Mom? I think I'm gonna go with the second one."

 

[Wumbo: WHO GIVES A DAMN POLICE 2: That rant could have been, like a quarter of its length.]

[Jjs: Alright, time for my rant.

See, this is kind of one of the problems I have with this spin-off. It tries to be emotional/serious...but it just doesn't work. At all. A lot of it feels forced with no build-up (like how Bryan's father died last season), and as a result, we can't feel anything. The "drama" feels like some strange mutation of a Tommy Wiseau performance and some middle school play, and it's hard to take seriously if it is supposed to be in the SpongeBob universe (which is really hard to tell by this point). I can't feel any connections between any of these characters whatsoever, and when your main characters suffer underdevelopment, that's a huge problem.

Oh yeah where the hell is Bryan anyways.]

[Hayden: Is Bryan still the main character? Or are all these hormonal chicks the new main characters?]

[News Reporter: BREAKING NEWS. I have just received news from the Guardian of Purgatory stating that Bryan is in their possession. More at 11.]

 

"I do care about you," Heather said. "I adopted you. Doesn't that mean I have to love you?"

 

[Trophy: Adopted? Oh phew, there's still a chance of Aleheather in the world.]

[Jjs: Adopted? Way to make the situation better. But then again, it IS Heather...]

[Hayden: No Heather, somehow I don't think that automatically makes you a loving person. But I've been wrong before.]

[Wumbo: "Yeah, I have to love you, ever since I signed that goddamn contract. Let me know if you discover a flux capacitor, would ya?"]

 

"Maybe you did," Morgan said. "But you don't anymore."

 

"You can choose to believe whatever you want to believe," Heather said. "Just remember that I do love you, if you choose to believe it or not.

 

[Wumbo: WHO GIVES A DAMN POLICE 3: Believe whatever you believe to believe or believe not to believe your belief.]

 

I'll be home soon."

 

"I'll be counting the days," Morgan said sarcastically.

 

[Jjs: Be sure to bring The Count along for it.]

[Hayden: Are we going to flash forward a week in time for next chapter?]

 

~~~

 

("Shut Up and Let Me Go" by The Ting Tings plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: 

 ]

 

[Wumbo: Oh, it's got "Shut up" in it! Is it another Morgan/Liam scene? God please no.

Also, the Who Gives a Damn police can apply to just about every time a song plays throughout a scene.]

[Hayden: Rude, that's the second song title telling me to shut up. Well guess what, I'm never letting this go.]

 

Jake dropped Jackie off at her house.

 

[Trophy: Don't they live together yet?]

 

"Bye," she said. "Love you."

 

"Love you too," he said. "See you tomorrow."

 

[Jjs: Well, at least Jake hasn't been a huge dick. Should we call that character development?

 

...Oh wait.]

[Hayden: What Trophy said earlier, they don't live together yet? So basically Jackie is the one actually living with Charlea? Lulz, way to take the bull by the horns, wonderful boyfriend Jake.]

 

She walked inside, to see Morgan on the couch, crying.

 

"What are you crying about?" Jackie asked.

 

"Everything," Morgan said.

 

"Wanna talk to me?" Jackie asked.

 

"No," Morgan said. "But I do want to tell you something."

 

[Jjs: So, you're talking to her either way. Alright, I've held off the Redundancy Department long enough.]

[Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you 70s in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town, which also has lots of drama, with lots of drama.]

[Hayden: There's a clear difference Jjs. When characters talk, they just pad out the story, but when they tell each other things, it adds some contrived drama.]

 

"What is it?" Jackie asked.

 

"Me and Jake kissed on the night of the Last Day of School Dance," Morgan said.

 

"What?!?" Jackie asked.

 

[Jjs: Asking a "What?!?" takes true talent.]

[Hayden: I think Morgan likes getting emotionally shat on considering she just sabotaged her only friendship.]

 

"Y-You heard me," Morgan sniffled.

 

[Trophy: But...they kissed before that. *points many many many riffs ago to my Inconsistency Police call*]

 

"Yeah, I heard you," Jackie said.

 

[CNF: I don't believe Morgan was asking a question ma'mm.]

 

"Jake didn't feel anything," Morgan said.

 

"Did you?" Jackie asked.

 

"What?" Morgan asked.

 

"Don't act like you didn't hear me," Jackie said. "Just answer the question."

 

[CNF: Apparently girls have some sort of psychological implant in their brains that allow them to figure out what question the other girl is really asking while only speaking two words.]

 

Morgan said nothing.

 

[Jjs: I don't think that answers her question.]

 

"Did you feel anything when you and Jake kissed?" Jackie repeated.

 

"Yes," Morgan said. "Yes, I did! Are you happy?"

 

"Not at all," Jackie said, and went upstairs.

 

[Jjs: Because I can totally see that being a girl's reaction, 70s.]

[Hayden: Well damn, now a love triangle. Will Morgan be a home wrecker? Will Morgan fix her relationship with her parents? Will Morgan stop getting abused? Will Morgan stop hogging all the goddamn plot lines? Find out when the saga continues.]

 

~~~

 

Anna was tired. She decided to go to bed. 

 

[Trophy: Oh right, this subplot exists.]

[Jjs: Oh yeah, she exists. And lol at the descriptions in this episode. Thanks 70s, I thought someone who was tired would just stand still.]

[Hayden: A logical decision Anna. You're already leagues apart from the other idiots in this story.]

[Wumbo: I don't even give enough damns to pull out the Who Gives a Damn Police anymore... okay, bring on the superfluous sentences! Bring 'em on! The sentences. Bring them on. Bring on the sentences. The superfluous ones.]

 

That was pretty much the only freedom you had in juvie. Deciding when you went to bed.

 

[Wumbo: Awww, everybody pity the murderer.]

 

A fellow inmate, Dora, came up to her. 

 

[Jjs: The explorer?]

[Hayden: Is Anna going to learn some Spanish?]

[Wumbo: Who does she ask for help when she doesn't know where her life is going?]

 

"Hey, hoe," she said. "What you doing?"

 

[Wumbo: That's not Spanish.]

[Jjs: The correct way to say that in Spanish would be: Hey, azada. ¿Qué estás haciendo?]

[CNF: Whoa, Dora has been hardened by juvie. I guess she finally cracked from all her explorations.]

 

"Going to bed," Anna said.

 

"Y'know, you piss me off, Princess," Dora said.

 

[CNF: ...did 70s predict Frozen?]

[Trophy: Princess? Yay, new revelation not to care for! Is Anna the Princess of the Running Over People Named Hersht And Getting Arrrested Kingdom?]

[Jjs: Uh oh...I'm not going to jump to any conclusions, but I think we all know usually where this leads to...*coughshowerrapecough*]

[Hayden: Princess? That's a Duncan type insult. Yup. They're totally going to nail each other.]

[Wumbo: Dora officially has a "so what's for dinner tonight Puff Mama?" voice. Now I won't be satisfied until she calls Anna "sweetcheeks".]

 

"Why?" Anna asked.

 

"Because you a princess," Dora said. "You a rich girl that got everythin' handed to her. You act like dat in here, and you piss me off."

 

[CNF: Do you wanna build a snowman?]

[Jjs: Dat wording.]

 

"Good to know," Anna said.

 

"Don't you be a smartass," Dora said. She spit on Anna's shoes.

 

"Don't do that!" Anna cried.

 

"Don't tell me what to do, hoe," Dora said, and pushed Temperance down.

 

[Trophy: First Morgan is Jackie, now Anna is Temperance. They can now change bodies/appearances. OK...]

[Jjs: Maybe Temperance's crime was having such a strange name.]

[Hayden: What the hell is Temperance doing here? Also gardening tool is still an insult in this strange world of Bikini Top.]

[Wumbo: GrrrhrrrrrrEDITINGEDITINGEDITINGEDITINGEDITINGEDITINGEDITINGEDITING!]

[CNF: I get the feeling that 70s was drunk while writing this.]

 

Anna couldn't wait for her trial. She needed a chance to get out of that hellhole, once and for all. She didn't belong there. She wasn't a criminal. Everyone had bad days, and that's what was happening when she ran over whoever the hell Hersht Gables is.

 

[Jjs: And you know, I'm still wondering why Anna was arrested if the cops were looking for Hersht...]

[Hayden: Did 70s just copy/paste what Anna was blathering on about at the start of the chapter?]

 

~~~

 

("To All of You" by Syd Matters plays throughout the end montage)

 

[Jjs: Ah sweet, I missed the end montages with only one line of importance. That's my man 70s. Oh and also:

]

[Hayden: To all of us? Aw, how thoughtful.]

[Wumbo: The title comes from a song played during the episode? Christ's sake, roll the micro-scenes.]

 

Naomi gets home, and smiles to herself.

 

[Jjs: Taking that as our pointless montage line. And don't worry Naomi, let me put a smile on that face:

 

]

[Hayden: I hope she gets a sex addiction to complement that drug addiction from last year.]

[Police Chief of WGAD Police: Wow, we're going to need to call in the Pointlessness Combat Troops for this one.]

 

Morgan is crying a lot. She sends Jake a text.

 

[CNF: Pointless line #2.]

[Hayden: That will make your situation better. Maybe your prince Jake can save you from Liam.]

 

Anna tries to get to sleep, but can't. Dora is throwing pieces of paper at her. Anna asks her to stop, so she does. Then throws bigger pieces of paper, covered in her spit. Eventually, the guards tell her to stop. She doesn't.

 

[Trophy: OW, PAPER CUTS!]

[Jjs: Good god, can this get any more dramatic!?]

[CNF: omg this is so suspenseful.]

[Hayden: Dora is beyond badass. Boots will break her out and they'll go all over Bikini Top throwing spit covered paper at people.]

 

Jake receives the text from Morgan. It reads, "told her about the kiss. srry "

 

[Jjs: srry nbdy nds vwls n grmmr]

[Hayden: lul I ruind yur relayshonshep wit da muthur of yur chiled srry yolo]

 

Jackie lays in her bed and cries, feeling betrayed.

 

[CNF: He knocked me up and he kissed another girl! That little bastard, I'm gonna kill him!]

[Wumbo: Uh... the baby? Who's watching the baby?]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP-

Shut Up- Black Eyed Peas-www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRzMtlZjXpU

Breakeven- The Script-www.youtube.com/watch?v=5w9E5yJDOwM

Shut Up and Let Me Go- The Ting Tings-www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIccfz_DBR4

To All of You- Syd Matters-www.youtube.com/watch?v=YwJqUbd1vzs

 

[Jjs: Thanks for that 70s. You see, I have a disability that prevents me from being able to search for songs myself, oh and seeing their names in the episode.]

[Hayden: This is copyright infringement. Can I introduce a new police squad too? Book him Copyright Police.]

 

---

 

Good? Bad? Reviews appreciated insanely. Worked on this ever since I posted the finale, so reviews would be amazing.

 

[Jjs: Thoughts? Well, I have to admit, it wasn't terrible, though not really something I'd orgasm over. Nothing to write home about quality wise, but it had some lulzy moments. Still suffered from a lot of pointless lines and problems S1 had, though. We'll see how the rest of the season goes with the infamous vampire plot that the spin-off has been criticized for. Feels good to be riffing this again, see you guys next time.]

[Trophy: Well, I'm getting the hell away from these shape-shifters. *runs away*]
[Wumbo: *bites tongue*]        

[Hayden: I'm sure the supernatural occurrences should raise it to a new level of pathetic. But right, great to be back to our favorite piece of material to bust on. Hopefully 70s will see these one day after Glee ends and have an epiphany about where he went wrong in life.]

[CNF: Well, it wasn't bad, I'll give it that but honestly, one has to think to themselves...why are these kids even living? Seriously, I think they'd be better off packed into a gym, locked up, and with a grenade thrown inside of it. At least it'd save the readers from a mind-blowing headache.

]

 

Edited April 5, 2017 by jjsthekid

[Metal Snake]

"Jackie told Jake about what she had saw on Jackie's stomach."

 

 

How did I never notice that. XD

[Clappy]

Great riffs as always. Wumbo sounds like he was about to have an aneurysm. Wait til he gets to the musical episode.

[Jjs Goodman]

Bikini Top Season 2

 

21. To All of You

 

22. Look After You

Spoiler

S2E2 (22)- Look After You:

 

[Wumbo: Fun fact guys: I wasn't even supposed to be on this riff, but jjs decided that this episode was so bad, he needed me and Jesus to go through this shitisode with him and JCM. So, I've brought him along! Say hi to the Philistines, Jesus!]

[Jesus: Greetings, my people. Wumbo, what have you got me into this t-]

[Wumbo: Just go with it, like you did the crucifixion thing.]

[JCM: Reading Bikini Top is kind of like crucifixion, only the suffering never ends.]

 

Here's what happened last time on Bikini Top, if you missed it, or maybe you just forgot for some reason... 

 

[Jjs: 70s doesn't seem to have much faith in our memories.]

[Wumbo: As much faith as I have in this spin-off. *rimshot*]

 

In the season premiere, there was an absence of Bryan, but no absence of drama, comedy, and heart. 

 

[Jjs: I'm wondering what 70s defines as "comedy" and "heart".]

[Wumbo: That statement is pretty comedic to me.]

[JCM: They're harvesting hearts now? Man, this got dark.]

 

Temperance and her sister bonded, and Mikayla announced she was not going back to Bikini Bottom University.

 

[Jesus: My child, what a waste of the wonderful gifts you- wait, I forgot. Nobody in this spin-off has anything to offer.]

 

Jake and Jackie go on a date, and Morgan reveals that she and Jake kissed. Jackie isn't happy about it. Sandy gets a job at Bikini Top High School. Anna is totally miserable in juvie, and wants her trial to happen. Naomi sleeps with Trevor, and they enjoy it. Fast.Morgan is being abused by Liam, and her parents are breaking up. That sucks, right? But, will all this be resolved, or will it be stretched further, and the citizens of the small town of Bikini Top get increasingly more stressed? You'll have to read this episode to find out!

 

[JCM: Or you can just read the CliffsNotes.]

[Jesus: I think I hear my Father calling...]

[Wumbo: Nice try, Jesus. I know all about incarnation.]

 

("Take a Bow" by Rihanna plays throughout the opening)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZinVLv98w5Y ]

 

Jackie has been feeling a bit better lately. Five days ago 

 

[Jjs: Hooray for more time skips! It beats making episodes on more useless side details, anyways.]

[JCM: Can we skip to the part where this show ends?]

 

she had found out that her baby daddy had kissed his ex-girlfriend, one of her best friends, who she was living with. 

 

[Jjs: "Baby daddy"?]

[Wumbo: Again with the pointless details? Didn't you learn anything from our last five-years-later riffing, 70s?]

 

She hadn't talked to anyone since that revelation, and decided some things in her life needed to be changed. She calls Jake.

 

"Whoa," Jake said.

 

[JCM: "So this is how a phone works?"]

[Jjs: This isn't my Batman cup!]

 

"What?" she asked.

 

"I'm just shocked you're calling me," Jake said. "I know Morgan told you."

 

[Wumbo: "I'm just shocked you're calling me, so I decided to answer the phone by saying 'whoa', to establish this. I've always been a bit of a ham."]

 

"I would have been fine with it, had you told me," Jackie said. "And you know that."

 

[Jesus: I know that. Then again, I know everything.]

[JCM: She knows that Jake knew that because she can read minds.]

 

"Maybe," Jake said. "But I didn't think it was a big deal. And I didn't know that Morgan was going to tell you about it."

 

"Oh," Jackie said. "Well that makes everything all better!"

 

"Really?" Jake asked.

 

"You're not the brightest crayon in the crayon box, are you, Jake?" she asked him.

 

[Wumbo: Mixing your metaphors there, Jackie?]

[JCM: Jake is the type of guy who eats the brightest crayons in the crayon box.]

 

"I'm not," he said, "and you know it."

 

[Wumbo: I thought the token dumb guy was at least supposed to be likable.]

 

"Okay, this conversation is stupid," Jackie said irritably.

 

[JCM: Stupid is as stupid does...is what I assume the conversation would say if it were a living entity.]

 

"Meaning?"

 

[Jjs: Uh...the conversation is stupid? Goodness, someone must have barely made it through English Comprehension.]

 

"We're through," she said.

 

[JCM: Jackie and Jake? Not Jackie and Jake! Their relationship went through too many trials and tribulations that I don't remember or particularly care about to end like this!]

[Jjs: Oh hey, another forced-in character break up. It's fair for that every bland love interest, we get a bland break-up. I'm not sure how many of each we have right now, but I have a feeling we'll be getting one for one throughout the rest of this season.]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs: Might as well do this the whole season:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rasZzenuYxI ]

 

Bryan opened his eyes, and he saw Jake standing over him.

 

[JCM: Surprise butt-rape!]

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Bryan exists.]

 

He screamed, and threw his pillow at his face.

 

[Jesus: See, it's these types of reactions that make me not want to perform miracles anymore.]

 

"Damn it!" Jake said. "What was that for?"

 

[JCM: He wanted you to try out his pillow, obviously.]

 

"Well gee..." Bryan said. "When I wake up, I usually prefer not to have someone staring at me, but you know, that's just me.

 

[Wumbo: Wow, that's some 6th grade sass you've got going there, Bryan.]

 

What the hell were you doing?"

 

"Waiting for you to get up," Jake said.

 

"...Because?" Bryan asked.

 

[JCM: Oh, we need reasons to stare at people in their sleep now?]

 

"Jackie broke up with me," Jake said. "And she was being really mean to me."

 

[Jjs: Haha, being mean to, like, wanting to know why he kissed another girl! Looks like Douchebag Mode has been knocked back up to 11 for Jake.]

[Jesus: Me on a cross, how unlikable is this Satan's spawn supposed to be?!]

 

"Aaaaaw," Bryan said. "Do you need a hug?"

 

[JCM: What he needs is a new pair of balls. Man up, Jake!]

 

"I do, actually," Jake said.

 

"Someone doesn't understand sarcasm," Bryan determined.

 

"Someone is in a bad mood," Jake said.

 

[Wumbo: Hey, enough assumptions about Someone!]

 

"Yeah," Bryan said. "I didn't get much sleep last night."

 

"I see," Jake said. "Well what am I supposed to do? The mother of my child broke up with me."

 

[JCM: You can stop whining, for one.]

[Jjs: Okay, I didn't care much for it at first...but yeah, Wumbo, you're right now. What is seriously up with the "mother of my child/father" stuff? Does 70s actually know how human beings (or fish in this case I guess) speak?]

 

"So?" Bryan asked. "You guys aren't together anymore. You can still see Charlea."

 

[Wumbo: Yeah, anytime you want. That's how breakups usually work. She wants you coming to her house all the time.]

 

"Oh," Jake said. "I guess you're right. But that doesn't make it any less hard. I love her, and I don't want it to be over with her. It can't be, you know?"

 

[Jesus: Accept your fate, my son. PLEASE, so we can get this repetitive dialogue over with.]

 

"Sure," Bryan said. "Now I'm gonna go back to sleep. Leave."

 

[JCM: How I envy you, Bryan.]

[Jjs: Well at least Bryan still seems to retain his pleasant attitude last season.]

 

~~~

 

Morgan walked into Jackie's room to apologize to her, only to see her packing her bags.

 

[Wumbo:  ]

 

"Where are you going?" Morgan asked her.

 

"I'm leaving Bikini Top," Jackie said.

 

[JCM: *singing* Start spreadin' the news, I'm leavin' today!]

 

"Why?" Morgan asked.

 

"You," Jackie said. "I can't live here with someone who can't even tell me the truth. You should have just told me the truth, 

 

[Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you 70s in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town, which also has lots of drama, with lots of drama.]

 

but since you didn't it makes this seem like it was something so much bigger than it is.

 

[JCM: That's what she said.]

 

So I think you're still in love with Jake. Now you can have him."

 

[Wumbo: 

 ]

 

 

"I don't want him!" Morgan said. "Come on, you have to stay here. Where else can you go, Jackie? Everyone loves you here, you have a bunch of friends."

 

[Jjs: If I were Jackie, and had to endure these so-called "friends", I think I'd leave too.]

[Wumbo: And The Smoothie Shack, Jackie! No one makes smoothies like The Smoothie Shack!]

[Jesus: Whatever happened to my philosophy of turning the other cheek? Seriously, it's like no one takes me seriously anymore.]

[JCM: Did the guy in the robe say something?]

 

"A bunch of friends who didn't tell me about this," Jackie said. "And I can go to my grandma and grandpa's house. I don't know if I'll be back. I just know I don't want to be here right now, after all that's going on. This isn't the right place to raise my baby, Morgan. Not with all this drama. Charlea needs to be in a calm environment where there's not a bunch of... this."

 

"First of all, your friends didn't know," Morgan said. "We kept it a secret, under lock and key, because it meant absolutely nothing."

 

"Who are you trying to convince?" Jackie asked. "Me? Or you?"

 

"What do you mean?" Morgan asked.

 

"You know what I mean, Morgan," Jackie said.

 

[JCM: There goes mind-reader Jackie again, telling us what we know.]

 

"Now move. I'm all packed up."

 

"You can't just leave with Charlea without Jake's permission," Morgan said.

 

"Watch me," Jackie said. She grabbed Charlea, got in her boatmobile, and drove.

 

[Jjs: You know, we could've gotten to that a few lines earlier, because my god, a good chunk of that back and forth was pointless.]

 

"Crap..." Morgan said. 

 

[Jjs: Such language!]

[Jesus Beardley: That's a paddlin'.]

 

She decided to call Jake.

 

[JCM: He just learned how a phone works! Don't overwhelm him!]

 

"Hello?" Jake said.

 

[Wumbo: Oh, what, you're answering the phone like a normal person now?]

 

"You have a runaway girlfriend," Morgan said.

 

"What do you mean?" Jake asked.

 

"She's on her way to the airport," Morgan explained. "She's leaving Bikini Top with Charlea. She's totally overreacting about you kissing me."

 

"I have an idea," Jake said, and hung up.

 

[JCM: Jake, this is no time to eat crayons!]

 

"How rude..." Morgan said.

 

[Jjs: So uh, may I ask: Where does Jackie plan to actually go?]

 

~~~

 

("Pot Kettle Black" by Tilly and the Wall plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWI8iN3cE6Y ]

 

Another day in juvie. Anna was feeling miserable. She totally didn't belong there. 

 

[JCM: Let's look on the bright side: At least you know what it's like to be in Orange Is the New Black!]

[Jjs: Hey, you know what was necessary? The word "totally". It's an accurate representation of all the redundant dialogue 70s threw into this to make it the next Great American Novel. It's totally annoying.]

[Wumbo: THIS IS THE SAME THING FROM THE LAST EPISODE!]

 

She went to the cafeteria for a lovely breakfast of bread and skim milk. It was served to her, then Dora snatched it right out of her hand, and threw it to the ground.

 

[JCM: How dare you drink a lowfat dairy product!]

[Wumbo: Honestly, why do we even need this subplot? Drop it, come back about 10 episodes later where Anna gets shot point blank for trying to escape.]

 

"How ya like dat, Princess?" Dora asked.

 

"About as much as I like you talking like you're white trash," Anna said.

 

[Jjs: Wow, so racism exists underwater too now. They must have heard the rap music 70s puts underwater.]

[Wumbo: More classism than racism, but yeah, I hear ya.]

 

"Whaddya mean?" Dora asked.

 

"Do I even need to explain?" Anna asked sarcastically.

 

"Yepz," Dora said.

 

[Jesus: That's not how a good Christian lady talks. Actually, that's not how anybody talks.]

[JCM: Putting a "z" behind random wordz is coolz!]

 

"I'm not gonna," Anna said. "If you're too dumb to understand, you're too dumb to understand."

 

[Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you 70s in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town, which also has lots of drama, with lots of drama.]

 

"Now ya callin' meh dumb?" Dora asked aggresively.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: aggressively]

 

"Yepz," Anna said, imitating Dora.

 

"Ya know why I'z in here, right?" Dora asked.

 

[Jjs: I'm assuming Dora was put in juvie for her murder of the English language. Then again, it must not be easy to go from Spanish to English.]

[Wumbo: Okay, I'm with Jesus on this one. If she actually was talking like "white trash", then that'd be one thing. But nobody actually talks like this. If you're going to write in a dialect, then at least do basic research on it, like... I don't know, watching an episode of Storage Wars or something.]

 

"Nope," Anna said. "Couldn't possibly care less."

 

"I thinkz ya care," Dora said. "I stabbed a guy. In da back."

 

[JCM: Not da back!]

[Jesus. See ya in Hell! Wait, no I won't, being the Son of God and all.]

 

"Why?" Anna asked.

 

"He pissed meh off," Dora said. "Now, ya pissin' me off. Wanna get stabbed in da back, Princess? Me thinkz ya want stabbed in da back."

 

[Jjs: "Princess"

"Stab in the back"

 

Well, now I can definitely read Dora's lines in a "so what's for dinner tonight Puff Mama?" voice.]

 

"Me thinkz ya need to stop stabbin' people and go to a English class," Anna said.

 

"What did ya say to meh, Princess?" Dora asked.

 

"Oh my god," Anna said. "Shut the hell up!"

 

[Wumbo: Oh, thank God.]

[Jesus: You're welcome.]

 

"No!" Dora yelled. She started coming closer to Anna very quickly. Anna was sick of Dora's bull. She'd been putting up with it all summer. She punched her right in the face.

 

[JCM: Not da face!]

 

The guards came and got her, took her out of the cafeteria, and put her back in her cell. She would be wearing a blue shirt at her arraignment trial now, signaling bad behavior while in juvie. Great. She feeled like stabbin' Dora in da back.

 

[Jjs: I feeled for ya.]

 

~~~

 

Jake and Bryan were sitting in the living room. Morgan told them that she saw Jackie's plane ticket, and it wouldn't be leaving for a long time, so they had enough time if they wanted to try stopping her. Jake was brainstorming like he had never brainstormed before.

 

"YES!" he said. "I have an idea!"

 

[JCM: "No, wait. That's gas."]

[Jjs: I like how he seems so surprised at this. This must be the first time Jake ever had to think.]

[Wumbo: 

 

Just kidding, there aren't actually SpongeBob characters in this SpongeBob spin-off.]

 

"What is it?" Bryan asked.

 

"I'm gonna need your help."

 

Bryan laughed. "I don't think so."

 

"Come on, man," Jake said. "I helped you with Temperance!"

 

[JCM: I'm surprised that Jake had enough room in his brain to remember that.]

 

Bryan sighed. "Oh god. I have the horrible feeling that this will be painful. More painful than being around you normally is, anyways."

 

[Jjs: So he wants your help and you automatically shoot him down like a douche. I'm not sure who is the bigger dick right now, but I think we should have a cock contest between Bryan and Jake soon.]

[Jesus: Hey, I'm all for it, given that I never actually condemned homosexuality.]

 

"C'mon," Jake said. "You know I'm awesome."

 

[JCM: As awesome as you are humble.]

 

"Sure I do," Bryan said. "Sure I do."

 

"So..." Jake said. "Here's the plan."

 

"Just tell me what you and Jackie's song is," Bryan said.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: Jackie and yours' song is]

 

"How'd you know?" Jake smiled.

 

"You're more predictable than an episode of Phineas and Ferb, Jake," Bryan said.

 

[Jjs: I didn't know that existed underwater now.]

[Wumbo: Oh gee, where is this going?]

 

"Hey," Jake said. "That show has fans. A lot of them."

 

[JCM: Yeah, that's wonderful. Now to go back to discussing how to keep your baby mama from leaving the city with your baby...right?]

 

"Name one," Bryan challenged him.

 

[JCM: Wrong.]

 

"That one guy... SpongeOddFan," Jake said.

 

[Jjs: Awww, was that 70s' way of snidely breaking the 4th wall at someone he disliked? Cute. Too bad it has nothing to do with this episode.]

[Wumbo: Did you just... reference... SOF.. in a Spongebob spin-off where everybody is underwater, and therefore have no idea who SOF is? Or Phineas and Ferb, for that matter. Bah!]

 

"Hey," Bryan said, "that could be offensive."

 

[Wumbo: I'm offended, as somebody who enjoys quality writing.]

 

"I don't care," Jake said, rolling his eyes.

 

"Seriously though," Bryan began, "what's you and Jackie's song?"

 

[Jjs: Ignoring me another time, eh? Bryan needs to take English lessons with Dora at JCM's summer school, that's for sure.]

[JCM: And if you start talking about Disney shows during my lecture, I'll make sure you get a swift paddling.]

 

"It's Last Day of Your Life," Jake said, "by Glass Pear."

 

"Oh," Bryan said. "I'll go get the instrumental version on FishTunes."

 

[Wumbo: Not a pun.]

 

"No," Jake said. "I'm not singing. I'm gonna play the song on a stereo since I have the CD, and ask her to marry me."

 

"Haha," Bryan said.

 

[JCM: Ha ha ha! People still use stereos!]

 

"What?" Jake asked.

 

"You're joking, right?" Bryan asked.

 

"No," Jake said. "Not at all."

 

"Oh," Bryan said. "Wow.... Are you high?"

 

[Jjs: So uh...is this conversation going anywhere? Shouldn't they be...trying to, you know...get Jackie? Oh right...padding.]

[Wumbo: You know, I can't wait for the next question for Bryan to ask Jake. Maybe "Are you drunk?" "Have you been taking heavy medication?" "Is the full moon affecting you?" What other question could POSSIBLY slow this scene down even MORE, because 70s knows that's what we want!]

 

"Huh?" Jake asked.

 

"You must be high," Bryan decided. "You're seventeen. She's sixteen. Both of those ages are under eighteen, last time I checked!

 

[JCM: Congratulations, Bryan! You can count!]

[Wumbo: There comes a moment when your sarcasm collapses on itself and you just sound like a dumbass. You've passed that moment, Bryan.]

 

You're not marrying her."

 

[Jjs: Well...he already banged her and had a child. At this rate I wouldn't put it past 70s to have an underage marriage, because this spin-off wants to be as daring as possible.]

 

"Yeah..." Jake said. "You're right. She'll never forgive me."

 

[JCM: That's the spirit!]

 

"Yes she will!" Bryan said. "You're the father of her child,

 

[Jjs: OH MY GOD SPEAK ENGLISH]

[Jesus: You could also speak Aramic, the language I spoke. No pressure if you mess it up.]

 

and she loves you like crazy. Just play Last Day of Your Life and tell her how extremely sorry you are for kissing Morgan, and that it totally meant nothing to you. Because I know you, and how much you love Jackie, and even though you and Morgan may have a history, that kiss meant nothing to you."

 

Jake said nothing.

 

[JCM: If only he could say nothing for the rest of the episode.]

 

"Right?" Bryan asked.

 

"Oh!" Jake said. "Yeah, it totally meant nothing. I love Jackie. I love Morgan too, but you know, as a friend, not the way I love Jackie. It's like, I love you, but I don't want to kiss you or anything."

 

[Jjs: Alright Wumbo, I have to beat you to it: WHO GIVES A DAMN POLICE. This isn't even funny anymore. Who wanted to see Bryan and Jake blabber on about nothing for a fucking eternity when this could've gotten to so much earlier? Oh right...padding. And sadly it looks like there's a lot more of it to come. For those who complained about 70s' padding out episodes in Season 1, it heavily shows in this episode.]

 

"Well that's good to know," Bryan joked. "So like I said, just tell her how sorry you are, and that you love her more than anything. She'll take you back. She'll stay. I know she will, Jake."

 

[JCM: Bryan can read minds just like Jackie,]

[Jjs: Bryan is the Jesus of Bikini Top it seems.]

[Jesus: Don't tempt me, you bastard.]

 

"You're right," Jake said. "She'll definitely take me back. She totally loves me. I'm amazing, you know. How could she not want to be with me?"

 

"Ego?" Bryan said

 

[JCM: Leggo my Ego.]

 

"Sorry," Jake said. "Let's do this."

 

[Jjs: THEN JUST DO IT MY GOD]

 

"You need a girl coaching you on the way," Bryan said. "I should call Temperance."

 

"Liar," Jake said. "I don't need coaching. You just want Temperance to come becuase you two have been all hot and heavy all summer."

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: because

 

And "hot and heavy"? Is that another one of 70s' newfound ways to describe sex?]

[JCM: "Hot and heavy" sounds like a term that would be used by fat fetishists.]

 

"Well yeah, kinda," Bryan said. "You got me."

 

"So how far have you two gone?" Jake asked.

 

"Don't you think that's a little personal?" Bryan asked.

 

"Maybe," Jake said.

 

[JCM: Maybe it's personal. Maybe it's impersonal. What's it to you?]

 

"Thank you," Bryan said.

 

"So have you had sex?" Jake asked.

 

[Jjs: WHY ARE YOU ASKING ABOUT HIS SEX LIFE OUT OF NOWHERE YOU GODDAMN WEIRDO SHOULDN'T YOU BE TRYING TO SAVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU'RE NOT TOMMY WISEAU UGH]

 

Bryan sighed. "No. And when we do, I won't be telling you. Anything. So don't plan on some long talk about my sex-life. That's for girls. Not guys."

 

[Jjs: "I cannot tell you, it's confidential."]

[JCM: Yeah, guys are too busy talking about how big their dicks are to talk about what they're doing with their dicks!]

 

"Ah," Jake said. "Well make sure she's on the pill, and you get a condom."

 

[Jjs: Like you should've been when you had Jex with Jackie...oh. Oh. Oh wait, is that Jake's way of regretting having a child now? Christ, all of these characters are unlikable. Jesus, can you smite these children?]

[Jesus: My policy is to love and not kill, but I think I might have to consider an exception exclusively for these characters soon.]

[Wumbo: Poor Charlea, who deserves better than Bikini Top, 70's writing, and that name.]

 

"Thanks for the tip," Bryan said. "And the awkward conversation. So let's go get Temperance."

 

[JCM: Yeah, they have time to kill! It's not like Jackie is about to board a plane or anything!]

 

"Right," Jake said.

 

[Jjs: Well, I don't know how long that very very very very VERY pointless conversation lasted, but it's a lot of wasted time in my life that I'll never get back, that's for sure.]

 

~~~

 

Naomi woke with a start. She ran to the toilet, and threw up. Gross. She flushed it down the toilet promptly.

 

[Jjs: Barf Imagery: High art.]

[JCM: Please tell me she washed her hands.]

 

She decided she must be getting the flu. First of all, she was going to get some mouthwash and rinse out her mouth thorougly to get rid of the putrid smell of vomit, then she was going to go to Trevor's house to say hi to him.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: thoroughly]

[JCM: I don't see "washing her hands" mentioned anywhere in that paragraph. You'd think detail-orientated 70s would mention that.]

 

Later, she arrived at Trevor's house. He answered the door and smiled. The two kissed.

 

"Wow," he said. "Funky breath. What kind of toothpaste did you use?"

 

[Jjs: Try Orbit, it cleans a dirty mouth. Too bad it can't clean the taste of this spin-off though.]

 

"Oh god!" she said. "I woke up this morning and threw up, and I brushed my teeth like crazy and got some mouthwash. I must have the flu. I'm gonna get you sick now, I should have just stayed home and not came over here to say hi."

 

[JCM: The fact that you didn't wash her hands will make getting Trevor sick a lot easier.]

 

"Whoa," Trevor said, and smiled that smile of his that made Naomi feel more comfortable about everything. "Everything's going to be okay."

 

"I guess you're right," Naomi said. "So what are you doing?"

 

"I was just on Fishbook, chatting with some friends," Trevor explained.

 

[Jjs: Go again and make a Fisher for Twitter, or whatever fish pun you can think of it. Do it. I dare you.]

[JCM: Glubber.]

 

"Oh..." Naomi said. "Who?"

 

"Does it matter?" Trevor asked.

 

[Wumbo: Everything matters in this stupid spin-off.]

 

"Well... I'm your girlfriend, and I just want to know who you're chatting with on Fishbook," Naomi said. "Does that matter, Trevor?"

 

"I don't know," Trevor asked. "Does it?"

 

"I don't know," Naomi repeated. "Does it?"

 

[JCM: Someone's on their period.]

[Jjs: Wow, 70s wanted to make this tension so clear that he used italics! THINGS ARE GETTING DRAMATIC!]

[Jesus: THE SIN OF REDUNDANCY! *lightning bolt pew pew*]

 

The two glared at each other.

 

"Just tell me who it is," Naomi said.

 

"It's my ex-girlfriend, Kat," Trevor said. "She moved a couple of years ago. I had my first kiss with her. She was my first girlfriend, but you're my first love. Happy?"

 

[Jjs: Maybe Kat moved on to a guy named Kit.]

[JCM: Or maybe she moved on to a girl named Sam. We don't know what team she's playing for.]

 

"No," Naomi said. "I'm not happy. I'd be fine with it if you had just told me it was your first girlfriend in the first place, but now that you tried to cover it up, I'm not so sure."

 

"Why?" Trevor asked.

 

"You still have feelings for her, don't you?" Naomi asked.

 

Trevor stayed silent.

 

[JCM: We should just have every character stay silent for the rest of the series. Of course, then it would only be 70s' exposition, and that would be even worse.]

 

Naomi sighed. "Don't you?" she repeated.

 

"Maybe," Trevor said. "But don't get pissed at me for being honest. She doesn't even live here. She lives in Night City, far away from here.

 

[Jjs: Wait a second...was 70s referencing Night City in my old Mermaid Man spin-off? I...don't exactly want my spin-off referenced in this spin-off, that's for sure.]

 

So it's not like anything will happen. And I only have slight feelings for her.

 

[Wumbo: "That's why I've reserved myself to masturbating to her Facebook pictures! Whoops, did I say that out loud?"]

[JCM: I suggest you stop being honest now while your balls are still intact.]

 

And that's only because our relationship never really ended! There was no closure, which is important if you ever really plan on getting over someone."

 

"Well hopefully me leaving right now is enough closure for you to get over me, Trevor," Naomi said, sounding aggravated. "Because we're so over."

 

[Jjs: Wow guys, look at all of THE DRAMA! Damn 70s, breaking up two couples in one episode! Can he get any more dramatic?! No seriously, what was the point of pairing Naomi and Trevor together at the end of Season 1 then to break them up literally two episodes later? Oh, right...padding.]

[Trevor: So... that was a girlfriend...]

[JCM: At least she didn't snip off your balls. I'd consider that a victory.]

 

~~~

 

("Teardrops On My Guitar" by Taylor Swift plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbkvLYrEvF4 ]

[Wumbo: Oh good, 70s finally found an artist to properly represent all the melodrama.]

 

Jackie was on the way to the airport with Charlea. Charlea started crying. So Jackie pulled over, and checked what she needed.

 

[Jjs: Wait, she's still driving there? Is there some sort of space-time continuum error going on with this spin-off?]

[JCM: What she needs is a new name. If my name was Charlea, I'd cry every second of every day.]

 

She notices a load in her diaper. "Aw, does someone need a diaper change?" Jackie asked. 

 

[Jjs: Shit Imagery: High art.]

[Jesus: In that case, The Sistine Chapel could use a few extra paintings.]

 

Charlea squealed, and Jackie changed her diaper. After she was done, she put Charlea's favorite blanket, Blankie, back on her, and went back to the driver's seat to keep driving to the airport. She saw she had a new text when she checked her phone, so she opened it.

 

[Jjs: 70s, I'm pretty sure you have to open a phone to check a text. LAZY EDITING POLICE!]

[JCM: Checking your phone while driving? This can't be a proper after-school special unless Jackie dies in a horrible accident.]

 

"plz forgive me. it was a stupid mistake. we all luv u. "

 

[Jjs: u r nt frgvn lol]

 

Morgan was so wrong if she thought she was going to forgive her just because she sent her a freaking text message. This was bigger than that. Exponentially bigger.

 

[Wumbo: Like my exponentially big headache?]

 

She kept driving, and arrived at the airport. She was going to purchase her ticket, and get out of the hellhole that was Bikini Top.

 

[JCM: Boo! No horrible accident!]

 

~~~

 

Bryan, Jake, and Temperance were nearly at the airport.

 

[Jjs: So by nearly, in 70s' world, that means ten years from the airport.]

 

"We have to hurry," Jake said.

 

[Wumbo: So five years, then?]

[JCM: Well, they need some time to talk about Gravity Falls!]

 

"You've been saying that for the past twenty miles," Bryan said. "I'm driving as fast as the law will let me."

 

[Jjs: Maybe you could've been there sooner if you two hadn't spent half the episode beating around the bush. But then again...padding.]

[Wumbo: I've finally figured it out: All the PMSing and all the pads... this series is a tampon commercial.]

[buddha: Congratulations, Wumbo. You have reached enlightenment.]

[Wumbo: Buddha? What are you doing here? And where's Jesus?]

[buddha: It's a long story that involves years and years of meditation... still shorter than the time frame of this story, but let's get back to it anyway.]

[Wumbo: Okay... everybody say hi to Buddha, our new riffer! (God, I'm going to get in even more trouble for these jokes.)]

 

"Screw the law," Jake said. "Let's go, go, go!"

 

[buddha: The law of Karma will get you. ...Bitch.]

[JCM: Take the law to dinner and a movie first, at least.]

 

"No, don't screw the law," Temperance said.

 

[Jjs: I'm not sure if screwing the law would be pleasant anyways.]

 

"I'm pretty sure getting a speeding ticket isn't going to help us get Jackie to stay in Bikini Top."

 

[Wumbo: Infidel!]

[buddha: Wrong religion.]

 

"Fine," Jake said indignantly. "When do you think we'll get there?"

 

Temperance looked at her cell phone and said, "Fifteen minutes. Can you shut the hell up until then, or do we need to stop and find you a muzzle at the store?"

 

[Jjs: Hey look, she's angry! SO MUCH DRAMA!]

[Clarification Police: Did you mean: pointless drama]

[JCM: Get them all muzzles. Including yourself.]

 

"I'll shut up," Jake said, and sighed. "But I'm just getting worried. I'm starting to doubt that just showing up at the airport and saying I love her will make Jackie take me back."

 

[Wumbo: But Jake, don't you remember? You've got the song to back you up!]

 

"You can only hope," Temperance said. "And if this was me and Bryan and he kissed... Naomi, I would forgive him."

 

"Really?" Jake asked.

 

"Totally," Temperance said.

 

[Wumbo: Wow, you... certainly take adultery better than I thought.]

[JCM: I wouldn't forgive Naomi unless she washed her hands first.]

 

"That makes me feel a little better," Jake said. "But I still feel crappy about this."

 

"Oh. Why?" Temperance asked.

 

"Well... you didn't have Bryan's baby," Jake said. "And you wouldn't have been pregnant with it when Bryan kissed... Naomi."

 

[Jjs: *yawns and falls asleep because of pointless conversations*]

 

"That's true," Temperance said.

 

"Thanks, Temperance," Jake said sarcastically. "That somehow made me feel even better."

 

[Wumbo: 

 ]

 

[JCM: Oh, wow! Jake knows what sarcasm is now!]

 

"I was just agreeing with you," Temperance said. "Sorry."

 

"...It's okay," Jake said. "Let's just listen to the radio."

 

They listen to the radio for the rest of the ride, meaning little conversation.

 

[Wumbo: Oh, thank God.]

[buddha: Sigh... never any credit for the fat one.]

 

They finally arrive at the airport later. Jake runs in with the stereo in his hand, and sees Jackie, just walking into the doors. 

 

[JCM: Jackie is just walking into the doors despite leaving much earlier than the others? She must have taken a lot of bathroom breaks.]

[Jjs: Does...70s actually know what a stereo is? Because...I'm pretty sure he can't carry one in a hand, unless Jake is He-Man.]

 

He starts running as fast as he can, and presses the PLAY button on the stereo ("Last Day of Your Life" begins playing). 

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pog90Q4a08g ]

 

A teary-eyed Jackie turns around when she hears the song, and sees Jake with the stereo. She walks back outside of the airport, pushing Charlea out as well in her stroller. Charlea's adorable face completely lights up when she sees her daddy.

 

[JCM: Too bad it'll be the last time she sees him in awhile, because Jackie couldn't possibly be dumb enough to fall for that stunt.]

 

"Jake?" Jackie asked. "What in the hell are you doing here?"

 

"Asking you to stay," Jake said. "And..." He got down on one knee. "And I know I don't have a ring, or that much money, but will you marry me?"

 

[JCM: Of course not! Jackie has dignity! She has integrity! She has-]

 

"Oh, wow," Jackie said, taken aback. "Well... I-I don't know how I could say no to this Jake."

 

[JCM: Screw it.]

[Jjs: Wow, so a song automatically cures everything. Maybe this is how Chris Brown should hook back up with Rihanna.]

[Wumbo: I can think of several ways you could say no to this, Jackie. Screw you, fuck off, get lost, quit hiding in my bushes, I've heard 'em all.]

[buddha: Okay, you've lost your enlightenment privileges. *leaves*]

[Wumbo: Well, looks like the religion figureheads are all gone now. Back to us peasants.]

 

"Being with you is the happiest I've ever been," Jake said. "And I want to feel that way forever, Jackie. I want to spend the rest of my life with y-you." He sniffled. He couldn't believe he was actually crying.

 

[JCM: What did I tell you before? MAN UP! Real men don't... *bursts into tears* I hate you!]

[Jjs: *sniffs* I almost wished this touched my heart.]

[Wumbo: What is this clear fluid flowing out of my eyes? It must be man-fluid, because only sissy girls cry tears. Real catch you got there, Jackie.]

 

Jackie put Charlea in her stroller, and slowly walked over to Jake. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." She took his face and kissed him passionately. "No secrets?"

 

"No secrets."

 

"You swear?"

 

"I swear."

 

"You realize that if you do keep a secret from me again, it'll be the last day of your life, for real," Jackie said. "Not only that, but I won't marry you either."

 

[JCM: I don't know why you'd marry a corpse.]

 

"Noted," Jake said.

 

[Jjs: So this tension just resolves itself with the press of a button (literally). Seriously 70s, do you even know how the real world works with relationships?]

[Wumbo: "Noted"?]

 

~~~

 

("Look After You" by The Fray plays throughout the end montage)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vl7spqkXgpY ]

 

Jake and Jackie ride back to Bikini Top with Charlea.

 

[Wumbo: Well, that clears things up. Totally thought Jackie was going to leave because he said "noted".]

[JCM: I would have loved to see Jackie get molested by airport security.]

 

Bryan and Temperance drive back to Bikini Top together, seeming very happy.

 

[Jjs: WHO GIVES A DAMN POLICE x2: Aren't both couples already in Bikini Top anyways? Was the airport at some disclosed location that 70s couldn't be bothered to tell us? Oh right, he probably spent most of his time with those redundant conversations and that pointless SOF joke to say where the airport was.]

 

The guards stop by Anna's cell, and let her know that her trial is in four days.

 

Trevor sends a message to Kat on Fishbook: "i cant chat with u anymore. i luv my girlfriend 2 much. our love is more important than nostalgia with u."

 

[Wumbo: if i wnt nstlga, i cn txtspk lyk they did bck n 1997]

 

Naomi notices that she is late. Not late as in, late for the movies, but late as in... late.

 

[Jjs: You mean...a pregnancy? Should we really dive into a 3rd child when the first two are still badly developed?]

[JCM: So her mood swings came from a baby on board and not from her period like I suspected. Oh, well. You can't win them all.]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP-

Take a Bow- Rihanna-www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CuYKSCqYng

Pot Kettle Black- Tilly and the Wall-www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7HjBr_QMXI

Teardrops On My Guitar- Taylor Swift-www.youtube.com/watch?v=OygBzUQox_A

Last Day of Your Life- Glass Pear-www.youtube.com/watch?v=pog90Q4a08g

Look After You- The Fray-www.youtube.com/watch?v=1iYOOuJLuaY

 

[Jjs: At least 70s is helping people who have disabilities searching songs and being able to scroll up.]

 

---

 

Teh cliffhangerz!

 

[Wumbo: Die.]

 

So, the next one will focus on Anna's trial and Naomi wondering what to do. Some of you may be thinking, wow, another pregnancy! First of all, high school pregnancies are more common than you may think, and second, this pregnancy will be going in a completely different direction than where Jackie's went. If you thought Jackie's parents kicking her out was emotional, just wait until you see Naomi making the decision to do what she has to do.

 

[Jjs: Thank you 70s for your words of "wisdom". Yeah, this was easily the worst episode I've had to endure so far, and I'm not even joking, at all. From all the pointless padding 70s threw in, to the characters' unlikableness (ESPECIALLY Jake and Bryan), the anticlimactic way Jake gets Jackie back with LOL A SONG, the bad one-liners he made for himself, and more, just made this episode utter shit. I exaggerated a lot of my hate in S1, and for all of the faults Season 1 had, they tried to tell a story...but this one was seriously just had no direction whatsoever. The episode had no reasoning to exist. Let's see what's next...even though I'm scared.]

[Wumbo: This spin-off really suck(erfish)s.]

[JCM: I wonder how soon it will be until the entire female cast is pregnant. After all, why come up with original storylines when you can just repeat old storylines with (un)interesting twists? I'll stay tuned to see where it goes, but I won't be holding my breath.]

Edited April 5, 2017 by jjsthekid

[So Sejima]

Who Gives A Damn Police: 95% of the episode is exposition. May I present you all with this again. 

[Steel Sponge]

Who Gives A Damn Police: 95% of the episode is exposition. May I present you all with this again. 

 

It's more likely choppy sentences than exposition, the way I'm seeing it.

[Metal Snake]

Hold on a minute. If SOF is in the universe of Bikini Top, that means The Spongebob Community must be there too. Think about that... O_O

[So Sejima]

Hold on a minute. If SOF is in the universe of Bikini Top, that means The Spongebob Community must be there too. Think about that... O_O

Meanwhile in SpongeBob Community Top...

Don't even get me started on that.

[Jjs Goodman]

Posting 2 new eps.

 

Bikini Top Season 2

 

21. To All of You

22. Look After You

 

23. Hallelujah

Spoiler

Hopefully this will make up for what some have said is the lackluster second season thus far--

 

[Jjs: I'm not counting on it. I also love how 70s acts as if he has some serious fanbase to this.]

[Hayden: Where the heck was this critical eye by "fans" in s1? People only started noticing now? Or is this some sort of BS where they're nostalgic for s1 and nothing can ever top it? Poor Total Drama Action and Legend of Korra Book 2: Spirits....]

[Trophy: And I can barf rainbows, fart out cereal mascots, find the Fountain of Youth, make cures for cancer, and become president. Yeah right.]

 

S2E3 (23)- Hallelujah:

 

[CNF: That's what I'll be saying when the show is finally over.]

 

Here's what you missed if you didn't catch the last episode of Bikini Top, or maybe you just forgot for some reason, even though I don't know how you could...

 

[Jjs: 70s, your ego is showing.]

[Hayden: I've already forgotten what he just said.]

[CNF: 70s sure likes to insult our intellegence.]

[Trophy: It's called: passing out due to boredom. Look it up in a dictionary, 70s. Seriously, there was so much filler in that episode.]

 

Jake proposes to Jackie as she plans to leave Bikini Top for good. She accepts. Naomi and Trevor break up, and Naomi realizes that she is late in her menstrual cycle, as well as getting up in the morning and puking. Pregnancy? Stay tuned. Anna gets in a bit of trouble for punching Dora in the face, and is told her trial is in four days. So, is she innocent, or guilty? Well, we know she's guilty, but what's her punishment?

 

[CNF: IF WE KNOW SHE'S GUILTY, WHY BOTHER ASKING THE QUESTION?]

 

You're gonna have to read this episode of Bikini Top to find out.

 

[Jjs: I'd rather not.]

 

Naomi had just peed. 

 

[Jjs: Piss Imagery: High art.]

[Hayden: At least it wasn't number 2....great, now I have THAT imagery in my head.]

[CNF: What a great way to start an episode: a character taking a piss.]

 

But it wasn't some ordinary pee to relieve your bladder. She had bought a pregnancy test from the local Fish-e-Mart, and was using it. 

 

[Trophy: Oh haha, more puns, I knew I couldn't have steered away from one.]

[Jjs: Throwing "fish" onto everything seems to be 70s' creative pun recipe.]

[Hayden: This is no ordinary pee, this time it's serious business.]

 

It would take 20 minutes to get the results. She just sat there, thinking about what could possibly happen. She knew whose baby it was, if there was a baby. Trevor, who she had broken up with. How convenient. 

 

[Jjs: Okay, INCONSISTENCY POLICE! How can Naomi get pregnant if she slept with Trevor 5 days ago? That's...physically impossible, it usually takes a few weeks or months. Did 70s skip through time again or does he not know how the real world works?]

[Hayden: Yes, very convenient break up I must say, hopefully Trevor is smarter than Jake and has you get an abortion....actually that's another unoriginal plot line in itself, you're slipping 70s. And 20 minutes? That's enough time to go watch a sitcom episode where a character has a fake pregnancy scare.]

 

She started to cry. If she was pregnant, it could potentially ruin her life. Her mom was already a bitch, what was she going to do if she had a bun in her oven? 

 

[Jjs: "A bun in her oven"? That is the 2nd time 70s has used that to describe being pregnant in this series. What's with the strange metaphors?]

[Hayden: Naomi's making bread? Delicious! I just hope she washed her hands first after that piss.]

[CNF: I'd take bread over this show anyday.]

 

She didn't want to think about that. She sat down and watched TV for a while, then goes to see the results of the test. Her face gets pale, her knees feal weak, and her pupils grow. It's... positive.

 

[Jjs: I FEAL ASLEEP!]

[Hayden: Damnit 70s, be more descriptive, was she watching the sitcom hijinks I mentioned above, or was she watching Phineas and Ferb?]

[CNF: Wow, she's pregnant? How unexpected! I would have never guessed!]

[Trophy: Another baby, will it have another pointless reason for existence? How much you guys wanna bet he/she will be as important as Charlea and Alex?]

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rasZzenuYxI ]

[Hayden: I wanna live close to the sun, so pack your bags cause I've already won. Everything to do, nothing in my way, I'll get there someday! CAUSE I WANNA BEEEEE FAMOUSSSSSS!]

[CNF: I think I'll have to call the copyright police on Hayden...]

 

Naomi knew the test was positive, yet she couldn't believe it until it was official. 

 

[Jjs: I knew this spin-off was bad, but I couldn't believe it until we riffed it.]

[Hayden: I give this plot a negative.]

 

She needed to go to the doctor. But she couldn't do it alone. She just couldn't. She called Morgan's cell phone.

 

"Hello," Morgan picked up. "It's been a while since we've talked. What have you been up to, girlie?"

 

[Trophy: Oh my god, why the heck are these existing? Teenage stereotypes have to be one of the most annoying things ever, like Pearl for example. I get this focuses on teenagers, but can you PLEASE at least try to write less cringe-inducing dialogue like "girlie"? Anyways, where was I again?]

 

"I think I'm pregnant," Naomi said.

 

[Jjs: I guess the "positive" on the test wasn't an indicator or anything.]

[Hayden: "Hey gurl, what's cracking with you? Whoops sorry, that totally wasn't a drug pun LOL." "Oh not much, I just got pregnant, you know typical everyday life in Bikini Top! So totally melodramatic, right? How've you been?"]

 

"Oh," Morgan said. "Well... wow."

 

"Yeah," Naomi said. "Wow."

 

[Wow: Wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow wow.]

[CNF: Gee, they seem really surprised.]

 

"Well why are you telling me this?" Morgan asked.

 

[Jjs: Uh...because you are her friend? Did you want her to tell a brick wall?]

 

"Well first of all, you're my bestie," Naomi said. "And second, I need to go to the doctor, and I can't do it alone. I also don't want my mother to know, and I'm sure if you shove enough of your money at them, they'll keep quiet about it. So, will you please, please, please, please do it for me, Morg-y? I need you to come with me. I'm sooo scared right now, and I don't know what I'm gonna do."

 

Why did Morgan have to always be there for the knocked up girls? She sighed, then decided she had to do this for Naomi, one of her best friends. "Of course I'll help you, Naomi. My mom's being a total bee-otch anyways, so using some of her money would totally make me happy."

 

[Jjs: "Yeah yeah, I have to help you, since everyone around here gets pregnant for some strange reason."]

[Hayden: Sisterhood, sisterhood, the most important thing! You know, besides getting back at our mothers in bratty fashions.]

 

"Nice to know that's how you see it," Naomi said sarcastically.

 

"Glad you're making jokes. Lets me know you're not totally bummed," Morgan said. "So should I pick you up, or am I gonna pick you up, or are we gonna meet there, or what?"

 

[Jjs: "So should I pick you up, or am I gonna pick you up" Look ma, redundancy!]

[Redundancy Department: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you 70s in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town, which also has lots of drama, with lots of drama.]

[Hayden: Morgan, I'm pretty sure she's trying to bum you for a ride there too, otherwise why call you to come with her? Oh, you're going to pay the doctor off to not tell Naomi's mother about the pregnancy? Yeah, that sounds realistic.]

 

"Pick me up if you can," Naomi said. "Veera gets all pissy and question-y when she sees me leaving the house alone. God, I hate her."

 

[Jjs: Wow, it's like parents have curiosity. I guess this adds greater depth to "curiosity killed the cat".]

[Trophy: YEAH, PARENTS SUCK NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO! THEY JUST DO FOR NO REASON! AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT?]

 

"I know," Morgan said. "I know how you feel on the topic of hating your mother."

 

"What did yours do?" Naomi asked.

 

"Nothing, just neglecting to tell me that her marriage to my father is over," Morgan said. "She's ending it, just like that! I mean, how could she?"

 

[Trophy: She missed Alejandro, I mean who couldn't?]

 

"First of all, you were adopted. Your real father abused you because he was a damn low-life drunk," Naomi said.

 

[Jjs: I feel like this was covered in Season 1, but I really don't feel like revisiting it again, and there were so many out of nowhere reveals that I just don't care.]

 

"And at least you got to meet your father. I haven't ever met him. My mom hasn't even told me a single detail about him, or where he is, or who he is, for that matter. I only know that I was wishing with him and not that horrible creature that 'takes care' of me that I'm forced to call a mother. Life would probably much better that way. Less pressure and less bitchiness from that... well, bitch. God, I hate her. And your parents being married or not married really isn't your business at all, is it?"

 

[Jjs: "GOD, I HATE HER" Is that Naomi's catchphrase? And aww cute, more bonding. Too bad it's just more padding. Maybe I'd take these "serious" conversations more seriously if I actually gave a shit about any of these characters.]

[Hayden: "Like, let's argue about who has it worse off with their parents. Mine abused me way totally more. Only your boyfriend ever abuses you. Pathetic. Also Morgan, I'm pregnant, since when is your parents having a divorce an actual problem? OMG you and your pedestrian drama is cramping my totally original pregnancy drama!"]

[CNF: Aren't you supposed to be going to the doctors now?]

 

"It is so my business!"

 

"That's all you got from that?" Naomi asked.

 

"No, Naomi, I get it... angst. Blah blah blah. But listen. It is my business, because they're my parents. I mean, why wouldn't it be my business if they're getting divorced?"

 

[Trophy: They did it without your notice at all. So I guess it isn't. Sorry to have to be the one to break it to you.]

 

"Even if THEY aren't together anymore, he's still your father and she's still your mother. Them being together doesn't matter as long as they're your parents. And they are! They love you unconditionally, if they love each other or not," Naomi reminded her.

 

[Jjs: I'm sure Katy Perry can love you UNCONDITIONALLY. *brick'd* Hey, with all the music in this spin-off, I figured I'd have my own fun.]

[Hayden: I'm not sure if this reminder from Naomi is even in character or is her place to begin with. Also, based on your past writing 70s, you've made it abundantly clear there are parents who don't love their children.]

 

"You don't get it!" Morgan said, crying.

 

"You don't get what I'm going through, Morgan!" Naomi said.

 

[Trophy: I wish I could forget it though.]

[CNF: Just explode already.]

 

"My problems are deeper than just my parents' divorcing..." Morgan said. "Much, much deeper. My relationship with Liam..."

 

"Oh, you don't think he loves you, right?" Naomi said. "So deep, Morgan. I swear, you have the emotional depth of a damn kiddy pool."

 

[Jjs: Hey, just like this spin-off!]

[Hayden: CAN THEY BOTH JUST GET KILLED OFF ALREADY? I'll take Bryan over this shit already. 70s does not know how to write females. Or anything for that matter, but especially females!]

[Trophy: Is that a compliment or an insult? Somebody please tell me-]

 

"Fuck you, Naomi!" Morgan said, and she hung up the phone.

 

[Trophy: Well that answers it.]

[CNF: oooh sassy.]

 

She bashed her head against the wall.

 

[Jjs: http://qcvoices.qwriting.qc.cuny.edu/files/2013/03/stitch.gif ]

 

She was afraid to tell anyone that Liam was hitting her. She was terrified of what would happen. He was really violent towards her. She should have seen it coming.

 

[Jjs: I'm not going to play the blame card on the domestic abuse victim...but, IT'S NOT HARD TO CALL THE COPS OR YOUR FRIENDS.]

[Hayden: So, does this mean that free ride to the doctor is off the table?]

[Trophy: Wouldn't he just be sent to juvie? Or how about this: GET A RESTRAINING ORDER!]

 

~~~

 

("Still Alright" by Adam Merrin plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELRvYcdLTuE ]

 

Temperance sprung out of bed feeling rather cheerful. She poured a bowl of cereal for herself, then Brenda came out of she and Tristan's room. 

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: Tristan and her's room]

 

Her face was totally expressionless. Temperance didn't notice at first, but she noticed her mother at the table, with her head in her arms, when she was going to sit down and eat her breakfast.

 

"What's wrong, Mom?" Temperance asked her.

 

Brenda sniffled. "It's really nothing you need to concern yourself with, Temperance."

 

"It seems like it," Temperance said. "Are you okay?"

 

[Jjs: Yes, she's just putting her head in her arms and sniffling because she missed the newest Adventure Time, nothing serious or anything.]

 

"Not in any sense of the word, honey," Brenda said. "I've been avoiding you because of this. Because I didn't want to face you about this. I was terrified."

 

"Oh..." Temperance said. "I thought it was just newlywed stuff."

 

"I-I..." Brenda said, and swallowed a lump in her throat.

 

[Jjs: Alright audience! What could Brenda's serious dramatic issue be? Take your pick:

 

A) She's pregnant (yes I know she has HIV, but also then again, there's never consistency in this, so)

 She's getting a divorce

C) She's going to die

D) She's cheating on Tristan

 

Take your pick.]

[Hayden: I pick Option C just on the principle that I want it to happen, also 70s needs to start meeting his death quota in this season. Plus, we've already covered A, B, and D this season in one way or another.]

[CNF: Option A my good man.]

 

"Just spit it out, Mom," Temperance said, and took her mother's fin in hers.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, that must be 70s' way of trying to remind us this is underwater. Supposedly.]

[Hayden: That's gross Temperance, don't put your poor mother's fin inside your own fin.]

[CNF: I think this spin-off is slightly better if you imagine the characters as real people. But that's just me.]

 

"I have cancer," Brenda said. Once she said the words, she wished that she could take them back. But no... they were out there. Revealed. Forever.

 

[Hayden: YES! NAILED IT! WHAT DO I WIN JJS?]

[Jjs: You win...NOTHING. NOW GET OUT, YOU'RE SOILING ALL ME MONEY!

 

Wait what the hell fish cancer. Is that even possible?]

[CNF: God dammit, I wanted another boring unnecessary fish pregnancy.]

[Trophy: OUT OF NOWHERE POLICE! Seriously, fish cancer? What the heck?]

 

~~~

 

Jake got out of bed, and when he went to the kitchen he was greeted by stern looks by his parents.

 

"Hi Mom," he said, ".... Dad."

 

"Sit," Larry said with an angry tone. He pointed to a chair. "Now."

 

Jake sat down. "What is it?"

 

"We got the bill from your credit card!" Larry said. "Why the hell did you buy an engagement ring?"

 

"Me and Jackie are getting married," Jake explained.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: Jackie and I]

[Trophy: Does there need to be an Obvious Police now?]

 

"Not without my consent you aren't!" Larry exclaimed.

 

"Yeah," Jake said. "I am."

 

[Larry: STOP SASSING ME YOUNG MAN!]

[Hayden: Lighten up Larry the Lobster, your son's going to wind up married to some skank in Bikini Top, might as well make it the mother of his child.]

[Jjs: If this is Larry the Lobster, he better not be getting drunk like Larry the Krab. And maybe this explains why he is barely on the show anymore as it is. Oh wait, there's no SpongeBob characters in this SpongeBob spin-off, carry on.]

[CNF: Jake is supah serious everybody, run for da hills.]

 

"No..." Larry said. "You aren't. Not legally. This isn't some second grade marriage under the tree it recess. 

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: at recess]

 

Damn it Jake, this is the real deal. And it's not legal for you to get married under eighteen without your parents' consent, or hers. And it's a stupid idea!"

 

[Jjs: And to drive his point across, let's throw in "It's a stupid idea!" Why was it there? Padding of course! Time to finally debut...the PADDING POLICE! For when unnecessary padded out details are not removed, they are here to save the day.]

[Padding Police Officer: We're gonna an hour long lunch break after this.]

[Hayden: Perhaps 70s didn't think we'd know Larry thought it was a stupid idea otherwise. Oh clarification, what would we do without you?]

 

"It's not up to you," Jake said. "It's senior year!

 

[Jjs: I'm surprised Jake got that far to be honest.]

 

I'll be eighteen in a few months. And I checked up on it. It's legal! Because of Charlea, we can get married."

 

[Trophy: *falls asleep* Wake me up guys when this tiresome dialogue goes somewhere.]

 

"Most teen marriages end in divorce, dear," Tori said. 

 

[Jjs: Do you have cold hard facts, statistics, and gags to minute per ratios to prove it?]

[Hayden: Where's the evidence, Tori? If that's even your real name. The power of Jake and Jackie's love can endure anything! Except a kiss, or basically any trivial little thing. And that's a damn strong foundation to lie upon if I ever saw one!]

 

"We don't want you to be putting yourself through that. Not that Jackie isn't a great girl, but teen marriages aren't a good idea. A relationship has to be established well before it can grow to a full-fledged marriage. A marriage is a huge commitment at your age."

 

"You and dad got married when you were eighteen, and he was nineteen," Jake said. "That's not that big a difference."

 

"While that's true, we don't want you to make the same mistake we did," Tori said.

 

"How is it a mistake?" Jake said. "You're still together. I was born. I don't see the issue."

 

[Jjs: I see plenty of issues with you being born.]

[Hayden: Wasn't 70s pretending to be a 19 year old father? So basically he's admitting it was a mistake through his writing. A completely fabricated mistake. Of course, brilliant, he intentionally made himself a complete idiot as a 19 year old, affectively making us not question his story at all.]

 

"Well..." Tori said.

 

"Your mother and I lied to you, Jake," Larry said. "We've been lenient with the situation between you and Jackie because it mirrors what we went through."

 

[CNF: I smell a flashback coming on.]

 

"What do you mean?" Jake asked.

 

"Well, you see," Tori said. "I got pregnant at sixteen. Your father and I got married when you were six months old."

 

[Jjs: OH GOSH, MORE DRAMA AND REVEALS! MAKE JAKE TREMBLES AT HIS KNEES 70S AT ALL OF THE DRAMA!]

[Hayden: I could have sworn Jake was intentional. Look how great he turned out! Fantastic parenting by the way, not preventing him from being such a man-whore even after you went through it.]

 

"...What?" Jake said.

 

"You heard right," Tori said.

 

"Well, how is that a mistake?" Jake said. "You and mom are still together."

 

[Jjs: If I were them, I'd regret giving birth to Jake as well.]

[Hayden: Together forever, no matter how long, from now until the end of Jake's time....]

[CNF: "You and mom"...I thought Tori was the mom. LarryxTom confirmed for lesbian relationship.]

 

Tori sighed. "Jake... we got a divorce when you were a year old."

 

"But you're together now," Jake said.

 

"We got back together when you were four and a half," Larry explained. "But most teen marriages won't reunite after a pretty much inevitable divorce like we did. Yours and Jackie's relationship would have too much strain on it if you were to get married. That's how our marriage fell apart."

 

"Our relationship already has plenty of strain with Charlea!" Jake said.

 

"Then why give it any more?" Tori asked.

 

[Trophy: SO WE CAN HAVE A STRESS EPISODE ALL ABOUT STRESS FOR STRESS YEAR BECAUSE WHO THE HELL DOESN'T WANT STRESS!?!]

 

"Because Jackie might leave me if I don't!" Jake said.

 

[Jjs: Just play another song if she does.]

 

"What's that supposed to mean?" Tori asked.

 

"She was gonna leave Bikini Top because we were having relationship issues... the details of these aren't important..." Jake said. "And in a romantic gesture, I played our song and proposed to get her to stay."

 

Tori held her hand over her heart. "That's... well, that's sexy and romantic."

 

[Jjs: That's...not something a human being would say.]

[Hayden: Did a mom just tell her son something he did was sexy?.....Cheesy was the word you were looking for.]

[CNF: I'd be incredibly embarrassed if my mom said something I did was sexy tbh.]

[Trophy: I think I just got a headache. *goes back to sleep to stop headache*]

 

"Thanks for the backup, honey," Larry said.

 

"Let me finish..." Tori said. "But now that she's here, she's here. I doubt that she'll up and go just because you won't marry her. In fact, I bet that deep down, she's hoping you'll back down. And I know for a fact that you want to back down. That's what most teen marriages are. Two teenagers scared that if they surrender, then they'll lose their boyfriend or girlfriend forever. But losing them forever starts with the marriage."

 

[Hayden: Wow, this is so profound. So marriage inevitably leads to divorce, but if you really want a person to stay you never ever make a commitment to them and they'll be with you forever.]

[CNF: Seems legit.]

 

"But what if me and Jackie turn out like you and Dad?" Jake asked.

 

[Grammar Police: Did you mean: Jackie and I]

 

"What if?" Tori asked. "That's a risk you shouldn't take. Just trust us, please."

 

"No," Jake said.

 

[CNF: Bitch.]

[Trophy: No no no, I won't stay even if-*gets tasered* OW OK, FINE. I'LL FINISH THIS RIFF, JUST DON'T HURT ME!]

 

"Fine," Larry said. "Then you'd better ask for extra hours around the Smoothie Shack, because you're paying for that engagement ring. Then, if you still want to go through with this after graduation, it's your life and you can do whatever the hell you want to do to screw it up."

 

"But Jackie will be seventeen then," Jake said. "THAT would be illegal."

 

"There are exceptions to every rule, Jake," Tori said. "Now go on. Have fun. There are only a few more days of your summer break left to enjoy."

 

"And remember," Larry said, "you have work at 2:30. Be there!"

 

[Jjs: The Smoothie Shack sounds like a job to keep a stable relationship.]

[Hayden: Well, at least they're letting their son mess up his life like respectable parents.]

[CNF: Well jjs, it's not like there's another place he can work at.]

 

"Alright, Dad!" Jake said, and he drove to visit Jackie and Charlea.

 

~~~

 

("Love Drunk" by Boys Like Girls plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=buDzp8GfHzQ ]

 

Naomi sighed. Morgan wouldn't go with her to the doctor's office. She decided to call Jackie to ask her to go. Jackie of all other people knew what she was going through right now. She called her.

 

[Jjs: "She called her" Because we totally needed that to be its own sentence, thanks 70s.]

[Hayden: Maybe they can share bread recipes.]

 

"Hello?" Jackie said.

 

"Hey," Naomi said. "It's me."

 

"Oh, hey Naomi!" Jackie said. "What's up?"

 

"I'm late," Naomi said. "And I've been throwing up, feeling lightheaded, and I took a home pregnancy test. It came out positive. I figured that you would be the one to talk to about this, with Charlea and all. So I was just gonna ask you... can you take me to the doctor's office? I need to make sure I'm pregnant... just so I can decide exactly what I'm going to do about all of this."

 

Jackie thought about it. "Sure," she said. "I'll call Jake and get him to babysit."

 

[Trophy: Isn't he too stressed over that talk with his parents? Seriously, how does time even work here?]

 

She said bye, and hung up the phone. Just then there was a ring at the doorbell. She went to answer it, to see Jake.

 

"Hey!" he said. "I came over to see you and Charlea."

 

"How convenient," Jackie said. "I need you to watch Charlea while I go... take care of something."

 

[Jjs: Leaving Jake in charge of Charlea...yeah this possibly can't go wrong.]

[Hayden: PJ-Jake can finally put his fatherly skills to the test and prove to everyone he's got what it takes....oh who am I kidding. GOOD LUCK CHARLEA *turns off camera*]

[CNF: I expect Charlea to be dead by the time this ends.]

 

"What are you going to take care of?" Jake asked.

 

"That's not really important," Jackie said.

 

"Well, we're engaged and I'd like to know," Jake said.

 

"Don't wave the fact that we're engaged in front of me so you can tell me what to do," Jackie said sternly. "If you needed to know, I would tell you right away. But this is on a need to know basis, and right now you certainly don't need to know, Jacob!" She left.

 

[Jjs: JACOB INSTEAD OF JAKE? Damn, this is serious shit.]

[Hayden: "This perfectly reasonable argument is brought to you by 70s! We know it's contrived and we don't care!"]

 

Jake went upstairs to Charlea's crib. "Remind me not to make Mommy angry." He picked her up. "Come on, let's go to Daddy's house. You can see Grandma and Grandpa!"

 

~~~

 

Anna was walking to the judge. She wasn't even having a trial. She plead guilty. She did it. Why should she try to hide that? So the judge was simply going to sentence her.

 

[Jjs: Wow, 70s got so much wrong in those six sentences that I'm not even going to riff it.]

[Hayden: I'm glad 70s has such an amazing understanding of how the judicial system works. That's the spirit Anna, why bother trying to hide murder?]

[CNF: So...we just went through that entire subplot...only for her to plead guilty. Son of a...]

 

"Thank you for pleading guilty, Annabelle," Judge Meier said.

 

Anna cringed at the use of her full name, but nonetheless said, "It was the right thing to do."

 

[Jjs: "This old dude saying my full name is awkward as hell, but whatever gets me out of here."]

 

"Those morals..." Judge Meier said, "that's why this whole thing confuses me."

 

[Hayden: Because everyone who pleads guilty does it because it's the moral choice, not to get less jail time or anything.]

[CNF: Amen Judge.]

 

"What do you mean?" Anna asked.

 

"Why were you drunk?" Judge Meier asked. "I'd really like to know."

 

[Trophy: But I don't at all.]

[Jjs: "Hmm...maybe I can see what gets teens drunk these days, I'd like to try it out."]

[Hayden: "As a judge, reasons for underage drinking fascinate the heck out of me."]

 

"Well, my boyfriend had died," Anna said.

 

"Ah," Judge Meier said. "I imagine that was a hard time for you."

 

[Jjs: Okay, I tried to be nice and stop you at three strikes, but four strikes is four too many. 70s' laughably bad dialogue is just beyond strange now. "The mother/father of his/her child"? "Bun in her oven"? "Well that's sexy and romantic"? I can barely accept those as ways human beings speak, but I'll let them pass. But NOBODY, and I mean, NOBODY IN THE WORLD, says "Ah, I imagine that was a hard time for you." after a girl says their boyfriend died. That's just...what. I'm wondering if 70s is Tommy Wiseau in disguise.]

[Hayden: Stop giving the bitch sympathy and sentence her already. THIS ISN'T HOW A REAL JUDGING WORKS.]

 

"Yes, it was," Anna said. "And at a school dance, I was feeling down. I had a bottle of vodka in my boatmobile, and I turned to it for comfort.

 

[Jjs: I didn't know bottles of vodka were the same as pillows now.]

[Hayden: Oh Vodka, YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE ME LIKE MY BOYFRIEND DID BY DYING. *chugs*]

[CNF: Give me Vodka, I'm Russian!]

 

I don't typically do that. But I started driving after I drank some. And I drank some while I was driving. Then it happened. I hit him." Her face was pale as she told the story, and she paused between most words. She was crying by the time she was done telling it to Judge Meier.

 

"Thank you for sharing that with me," he said. "Now here comes the part you've been waiting for. Your sentencing."

 

Anna sniffled. She hoped it wouldn't be more juvie. Oh, how she hated juvie. And Dora.

 

[Jjs: I think we got that from her constantly calling it "WAAH IT'S A HELLHOLE".]

[CNF: How can anyone hate Dora, with her monkey Boots and her Backpack and Map...oh wait.]

[Hayden: The part we've all been waiting 3 chapters for folks! May I have a drum roll please? Anna, prepare to spend the rest of your life in prison with Dora...]

 

"You're free to go," Judge Meier said.

 

Anna's face lit up. "Are you kidding?"

 

"Nope," Judge Meier said.

 

[Jjs: So...is there a jury or anything? Oh right, 70s fic.]

[Hayden: What. The. Fuck. 70s and the real world really do not compute now, do they?]

[CNF: So the entire subplot was padding. Remind me to go get a shotgun at the gun store today...]

 

"But, you have to go to some alcohol abuse seminars, and participate in community service. You're also on probation for six months. That sound fair to you?"

 

[Trophy: BUT SHE KILLED A MAN! TAKE IT AWAY LEMONGRAB!  

]

 

"Totally!" Anna said.

 

"Now, go get your things," Judge Meier said.

 

"I don't have any things," Anna said. "Just a toothbrush. And I'd like to keep that in juvie, if you don't mind. They can throw it away."

 

"Then you're free to go home," Judge Meier told her. "I'll see you again in a month for your first checkup."

 

"See you then!" Anna said.

 

[Jjs: Well, at least we don't have to hear Anna bitch anymore about juvie and Dora, I guess. Should we call this the show's first plot development?]

[Hayden: I think this was an even worse plot development then Jake winning Jackie back with that song. At least the probation and seminars are something to make this storyline not be a waste. I'll miss Dora though, hopefully she's let free too. She only stabbed Swiper in the back because he was interfering with her Spanish lessons, HAVE MERCY ON HER MEIER! She has a sob story too you know!]

 

~~~

 

Morgan is sitting alone at her house, crying. She's just been so depressed lately with everything going on. Suddenly, she hears a rapid banging at her door.

 

[Jjs: The disrespect people have for woodwork nowadays is sad.]

 

She goes to see who it is through the peephole. She sees Liam with bloodshot eyes.

 

She yells through the door, "Are you drunk?"

 

"Totally!" he yelled. "Now let me the hell inside."

 

[Jjs: Because I can totally see her letting in a drunk guy after admitting he's drunk.]

 

"No way," she said. "Go away."

 

He opened the door and she screamed. "You should really learn to lock the door," he said.

 

[Trophy: I know right?]

[Jjs: Don't you just love it when people can't lock their doors for the sake of the plot?]

[Hayden: Liam smashing through the door like Hulk would have been less embarrassing writing than this was.]

[CNF: If the door was open in the first place, why couldn't he just let himself in and not have to ask?]

 

"P-Please leave me alone, Liam," she said.

 

"I don't like that you tell me to do that," he said. "Come on, let's go upstairs. I'm feeling a little turned on right now, you know? You standing up for yourself always does that to me."

 

[CNF: Dear god, not another pregnancy.]

 

"No, Liam," Morgan said in the most confident tone she could muster.

 

[Jjs: WHY DON'T YOU GET OUT OF THERE YOU TWAT THE DOOR IS UNLOCKED]

[Hayden: Stop defending yourself Morgan! You're only turning him on! Run for it before he gets an erection!]

 

"Okay, I can do you here," he said.

 

[CNF: RAPE ALERT!]

 

"No!" she said as he lifted her up and took her to the couch.

 

"Yes..." he said. He unwrapped a condom from inside his pocket.

 

"No!" she yelled.

 

"Yes," he said. He took off his pants.

 

[Jjs: Well, I need to wash my brain out right now.]

[Hayden: Oh thank goodness he brought a condom, that's just what we would need, a 3rd pregnancy from rape.]

[CNF: I need a Brain Eraser.]

[Trophy: OUT OF NOWHERE POLICE 2!]

 

~~~

 

("You Got Me All Wrong" by Dios Malos plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCuaVEEflxs ]

 

Bryan drove over to Temperance's house to see her. He was greeted by Mikayla.

 

"Hey," he said.

 

"Hi," she said. "She's not in a very good mood. For your own good, you might just want to leave. Unless you think you could get through to her."

 

"I'll take my chances," Bryan said confidently. He began walking to Temperance's room.

 

"Good luck," Mikayla said. She sighed. "You're gonna need it."

 

[CNF: Oh shit.]

 

Bryan walked into Temperance's room, where she had her face buried in her pillow. She was sobbing uncontrollably.

 

"What's wrong?" Bryan asked.

 

"It's my mom," Temperance said.

 

"What about her?" Bryan asked lovingly.

 

[Jjs: At least he asked her lovingly and not dickishly like he has been acting for a while now.]

 

"She's sick," Temperance said.

 

"What, like the flu or something? That's nothing to get upset about."

 

[Hayden: Damn Bryan, were you this thick and clueless in s1? I knew Jake rubbed off on you.]

 

"No, like, really sick," Temperance said. "She has cancer." She put her face back into the pillow.

 

Bryan lifted her face back up, and held it there, staring into her eyes, which were red from crying so much. He shushed her gently. "Everything's going to be okay. It's all gonna work out."

[Jjs: No...no it isn't. Sorry to be the one to tell you.]

[Hayden: Everyone knows cancer is the most easily cured disease known to man. Chillax already Temperance. Bryan's father died and you don't see him crying, I'm sure your mother's death will lack any real emotional stakes as well.]

[CNF: Is it just me or is this the most tolerable couple on the show?]

 

"But... what if it doesn't?" she asked.

 

"It's going to get better," Bryan said. "Just trust me." He leaned in and kissed her.

 

[Hayden: "Don't worry baby doll, your mother may have cancer, but we can still swap spit. Damn, I'm such a great boyfriend."]

 

Temperance pulled away. "Can you just... leave?"

 

"Um... why?" Bryan asked.

 

[CNF: Girls need their girl time pal. Otherwise they get krabb-y.]

 

"I just need some time to myself," Temperance said. "If you don't mind. I just have a lot to think about."

 

"No problem," he said. "I'll just be at the Smoothie Shack. You can meet me there if you want."

 

He left the room. She wasn't going to the Smoothie Shack. She just cried, and cried, and cried.

 

[Jjs: All That Glitters: The Sequel.]

[Hayden: A smoothie can cure those tears Temperance. And maybe some Jex with Bryan, grow up and stop being such a baby already.]

[CNF: All that glitters is not gold.]

 

~~~

 

("Daughters" by John Mayer plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rZLbUIa7exE ]

 

Naomi and Jackie were waiting, and waiting, and waiting. 

 

[Jjs: Waiting: The Sequel.]

[Hayden: They waited 10 whole months and got a definite answer about whether Naomi was pregnant or not.]

 

A baby came, and Naomi smiled at it. It laughed. This was reassuring to Naomi, but the thought of having a child still scared her. She thought of her fight with Morgan, and stubbornly decided she was right. Morgan's problems couldn't outweigh her. But then she realized that she hasn't been very worried about anyone else lately. She's been too wrapped up in her own drama. At least she knew one thing - if there was a baby, it was Trevor's. Then, the baby in the room started to cry. It made Naomi want to cry. 

 

[Jjs: I would cry too if I were the baby of these bland characters.]

[Hayden: I hope the baby isn't Trevor's. Wouldn't that be S-H-O-C-K-I-N-G?]

 

Then she did. She may have to be a mother, and that was the scariest thought in the world. It was going to be senior year and she was going to be pregnant. Talk about embarrassing. She was already the talk of the school last year with her cocaine abuse, now a pregnancy scandal. 

 

[Hayden: From cocaine to being pregnant, I'd call that a step up over last year. Naomi's really developing.]

 

Why couldn't she avoid this kind of stuff? Was she too much of a bad girl or something?

 

[CNF: No, you were just written that way.]

[Jjs: YES YES WE GET IT YOU BANGED A GUY YOU'RE PREGNANT YOU ABOLISH ALL RESPONSIBILITY. CAN. WE. MOVE. ON?!]

 

Perhaps. Before she had time to think more, a woman said, "Naomi Duncan," and she walked off.

 

"Good luck," Jackie said with a smile. She waited there for her, reading gossip magazines. Then Naomi came out, her face grim.

 

"Is that a pregnant face?" Jackie asked.

 

[Jjs: No, I assumed that was just her poker face. Having a baby is kind of like a game of poker in a way anyways.]

 

"It's a pregnant face," Naomi said, and puked on the waiting room floor.

 

[Jjs: Barf Imagery: High art.]

[Hayden: Only a bad girl could ruin that waiting room's carpet with vomit.]

[Trophy: *pukes until death* I wish.]

 

~~~

 

When everyone in juvie was asleep, Dora called Astenias with her cell phone that she kept concealed in her mattress.

 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, Astenias....Astenias....who?

 

*rereads Season 1 again*

 

Oh yeah, the main villain of Season 1 who will probably lead that vampire gang. Get ready folks...]

[Hayden: Well of course Dora is tied to the main villain and not just some punk in Juvie, that'd be crazy. Also, nice job sneaking the cell phone in, some lousy ass security in that detention center or what?]

 

"Did you intimidate the girl?" he asked her.

 

[Jjs: I didn't know throwing paper was a high-class threat now.]

 

"Yes, master" Dora said. "But she's gone now. Out into society."

 

"So ready for Phase 2, then?" Astenias asked.

 

"Very," Dora said.

 

"Good," Astenias said. "This should be fun."

 

[Jjs: You know, maybe it's just me not giving a fuck on what goes on in this anymore, but do vampires even know how to use cell phones? Especially powerful ancient deadly leaders? Or am I over-thinking this? Actually, don't think about anything you see in this spin-off.]

[Hayden: Shouldn't Astenias be thrilled Anna killed Hersht? What happened to tormenting Bryan? Will this lead anywhere or is the master plan of Astenias to get Anna pregnant too? Stay tuned for all these exciting answers and more. Or less, yeah probably less.]

 

~~~

 

("Hallelujah" plays throughout the end montage)

 

[Trophy: A song called hallelujah is for when this riff is over.]

[Jjs: Uh, which version? *scrolls down to magic list* Oh, this one:

 

 

This is the third time in a row that the episode's title has been played as a song at the end montage. Is that going to be a running gag this season?]

[Hayden: This must be how 70s decides his episode titles. Pick the first random song he's been listening to lately, throw it in the montage and slap it on as an episode title. Wham, bam, no thank you ma'am.]

 

Jackie drives a crying Naomi home, the whole way telling her that everything will be fine, and convincing her that she has to tell Trevor.

 

Brenda goes to Temperance's room to try to console her daughter to no avail.

 

[Jjs: And considering we already saw Temperance crying earlier, that makes this line...POINTLESS! PADDING POLICE, BOOK HIM!]

[Padding Police Officer: We're gonna need the Slow Moving Pointless Combat Troops for this one.]

[Hayden: Shouldn't Brenda be more upset than Temperance? Oh yeah, and what happened to Tristan? Does he not give a crap his wife has cancer? You and me both, Tristan.]

 

Anna comes home, and her mother Helen hugs her tightly.

 

[CNF: I don't even recall a Helen in this show.]

 

Jake thinks about calling off he and Jackie's engagement because of what his parents told him, but dismisses it.

 

[CNF: Pointless bro.]

 

Bryan wonders why Temperance is being so distant.

 

[Padding Police Chief: We're going to have transport 70s in our slow moving van at this rate.]

[Hayden: Those three lines changed the course of all three of those story lines. Especially that last one, Bryan I feel you, I just can't place my finger on it either. If only we had some sort of clue as to what could have impacted her behavior.]

 

Morgan lies on the couch, feeling that all innocence was taken from her. She was speechless, just laying there. She said the word, "Rape," for no one to hear.

 

[Trophy: Yup, out of nowhere rape.]

[Hayden: The word rape is very powerful, Morgan saying it is certainly the strongest cliffhanger this show has ever had.]

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP-

"Still Alright" by Adam Merrin - www.youtube.com/watch?v=aql_9pBHI28

"Love Drunk" by Boys Like Girls - www.youtube.com/watch?v=NeYAZlZQ9H

"You Got Me All Wrong" by Dios Malos - www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCuaVEEflxs\

"Daughters" by John Mayer - www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2AzaOQllBQ

"Hallelujah" by Imogen Heap - www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNQu9rP7xwI

 

[Jjs: It's sad how these are probably the best parts of the episode at this point. And that's saying a lot.]

 

---

 

I think that's the best episode ever, topping Forever Young. But I'll leave it up to you. What did you think?

 

[Jjs: Haha nope.]

[Hayden: Holy Kan on a cracker, he can't be THIS deluded, can he? Throwing as much hardcore crap like cancer, rape, more pregnancy, and evil gangs against the wall does not automatically make for a good story or your best chapter. In fact, does this have any direction at all? Oh well, at least things are finally kind of progressing in some shape or form. See you soon guys, because Hayden's never fade'n.]

[CNF: Lol, you're funny 70s. What a good joke!]

[Trophy: My thoughts: HALLELUJAH THAT BOREFEST IS FINALLY OVER!]

 

24. I'm Just A Kid

Spoiler

Finally! http://r12.imgfast.net/users/1211/23/64/63/smiles/125508.gif

 

[Clappy: Yeah 70s. Finally I can get in on some of this Season 2 riff action.]

[Hayden: At long last, even though it feels as though it was just yesterday I was reading your last chapter of nonsense.]

 

S2E4 (24)- I'm Just a Kid: Previously on Bikini Top...

 

[Metal Snake: Previously on Battlestar Galatica...I mean, previously a while ago, your favorite heavy metallic medieval cyborg serpent weather phenomenon whatever the hell he is realized he was too brutal on this spin-off last summer, and is planning on riffing this thing a little differently this time...heh heh.] 

 

Well, if you missed the last episode, you missed a whole ton of stuff.

 

[Metal Snake: You don’t say.] 

 

Jake's parents find out about his engagement to Jackie and disapprove, prompting them to reveal a secret. Jackie takes Naomi to the hospital to see if she's pregnant (she is)

 

[Metal Snake: Thanks for the spoiler, bro.] 

 

but doesn't tell Jake about it, causing him to wonder even more about if them getting married is right. Brenda reveals to Temperance that she has cancer, causing Temperance to slip into a state of sadness. Anna is released from juvie with community service, probation, and agreement to attend alcohol abuse counseling. Morgan tries to stand up to Liam about her abuse, but ends up being raped, feeling like everything she had was taken away from her in just one night. And... it's revealed that Dora is working for the mysterious Astenias.

 

[Clappy: I honestly don’t remember any of these people and I honestly don’t care. I’m just here for the forced drama, bad dialogue, and underwater supernatural creatures.]

[Hayden: 70s sounds pretty damn proud of himself. He'll be the head writer on the Glee spinoff series for sure at this rate.]

[Metal Snake: DUN DUN yeah, cool. And on the subject, am I the only one who fails to see the point of these recaps? No...seriously. I know this a plot-based show where if you miss an episode, you won’t understand what’s going on in the following episode. So...why can’t I just read the episode I missed? I’m not watching the show on a TV where I don’t have Tivo, so...why not? Plus, I doubt anyone would understand the recaps had they not read the episodes with how convoluted this show is.] 

 

Bryan and Jake are both getting ready for their first day back at school. Both have plenty on their minds.

 

[Metal Snake: The inner machinations of Bryan and Jake’s minds… 

 

]

 

Bryan thinks he's finally ready to take it to the next level with Temperance.

 

[Clappy: You mean to tell me that there is a whole other level of jex?]

[Hayden: Just wait until he gets to Tier 15.]

[Jjs: Sorry Bryan, but you don't have enough gems to unlock that level yet. You need 69, and you have....0.]

 

It may bring the two of them closer, since she's been so distant ever since her mother was diagnosed with cancer, and it just felt like it was time to have sex.

 

[Clappy: You mean jex.]

[Hayden: Typical teenage boy, can only think about sex when his girlfriend's mother is diagnosed with cancer.....oh wait that's not how anyone reacts at all.]

[Metal Snake: …

 

“HEY, I’M DYING OF CANCER.” 
“AW THAT SUCKS BRO, YOU WANNA HAVE SEX SINCE IT’S NO LONGER JEX?”

Um…] 

 

As for Jake, he was wondering if he should break off his engagement to Jackie. Neither of them were ready, and she was keeping something from him.

 

[Metal Snake: Your favorite stuffed animal, Mr. Cuddles, I presume.] 

 

Bryan gave Jake a ride,

 

[Metal Snake: Bryan can’t decide whether Jake should live or die.] 

 

and then they arrived at Bikini Top High School, to see Sandy standing outside the school, welcoming students.

 

[Jjs: WHOA! *does spit take* Oh sorry, it just surprised me to see a SpongeBob character in this.]

[Hayden: Oh hey Sandy! Where did you bury SpongeBob, Squidward, and Patrick's bodies?]

 

"It's you!" Jake said.

 

[Metal Snake: HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN!! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!] 

 

"What are you doing here?"

 

[Clappy: Yeah, what exactly are SpongeBob characters doing here? Where are my sea-vampires and werewolves?]

 

"I'm the 12th grade science teacher now," Sandy said. "So I guess I'll be seeing you two later."

 

[Clappy: I doubt we will.]

[Hayden: Only one science teacher for 12th grade? Well, I guess that makes sense since the entire population works at the Smoothie Shack.]

[Metal Snake: Wow, she’s their science teacher. Talk about giving the Spongebob characters essential roles.] 

[Jjs: And while we're at it, what type of Science does she teach? I don't think Seniors learn Elementary School Science.]

 

"Oh," they both said.

 

As they walked inside, Bryan said, "At least it's not Patrick."

 

[Clappy: You know, I would prefer Patrick over you asshole.]

[Hayden: We all would Clappy, we all would.]

[Metal Snake: Are you serious? No one teaches like Patrick man. No one.] 

 

(Theme plays)

 

[Clappy: This theme never gets old.]

[Metal Snake: Correct me if I’m just missing something, but what is this “theme” that keeps playing throughout an episode? The show’s theme song? Because I’m pretty sure in a TV show (which is what this spin-off’s trying to be apparently), the whole theme song does not play every time there’s a scene transition.] 

[Jjs: I love how at this point in the series 70s still has never established a theme for us. So we have to assume nothing is playing right now, unless you all want to go with this from now on:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rasZzenuYxI ]

[Hayden: Give me some rope, tie me to dream. Give me the hope to run out of steam. Somebody said it can be here, we could be roped up, tied up, dead in a year. I can't count the reasons I should stay, one by one they all just fade away.]

 

Naomi was at her locker, getting her materials for her first class of the day. Jackie came over to talk to her.

 

[Jjs: Shouldn't Jackie be out of school for having a child? At least that's how it works for most teenagers.]

 

"What is it?" Naomi asked irritably.

 

[Metal Snake: Someone didn’t wake up on their favorite side of the bed.] 

 

"Have you told Trevor?" Jackie asked. "Because I'm positive it's his, and I know you are too."

 

[Clappy: Multiple people in this school are pregnant? Honestly, has Bikini Top High School never had any PSA’s about safe sex? I’m fully convinced that the location of this high school is in a crappy part of town where half the school are criminals while the other half are those bratty assholes you see on MTV shows like Teen Mom. Calvin Reynolds, I have no idea how you portray high school life to be, but based on how you make it out to be with your writing, it’s not a worse version of Degrassi.]

[Hayden: No, it isn't Trevor's, the twist is that it's the child of Astenias.]

 

"No I haven't, and I don't plan on it!" Naomi said.

 

[Clappy: I bet that’s how both of you responded to the question on if one has protection.]

[Hayden: It's not like it's important information, better to leave Trevor out of it.]

 

"Why?" Jackie asked.

 

[Metal Snake: Is it going to be a secret hidden under lock and key forever even though it “means nothing”?] 

 

"He doesn't need to know," Naomi said. "It's absolutely none of his business."

 

[Clappy: But you allowed your lady parts to be a part of his business.]

[Hayden: His sperm is his business young missy. Now, go straight to Trevor and tell him about the mistake you both made immediately.]

 

"Are you insane?" Jackie asked.

 

[Clappy: This same question can be applied to nearly every character on this show.]

[Hayden: When you really think about it, Dora or Liam is probably the closest thing to a sane character.]

[Metal Snake: Uh...yeah. I gotta agree with Character Who I’m Not Interested In #17...I mean Jackie, here.] 

 

"It's his child. Of course it's his business."

 

"I can take care of this on my own, Jackie," Naomi said. "I don't need yours or anyone else's help making decisions for me. You told Jake about your pregnancy and now you guys are a big happy family, but maybe I just don't want that.

 

[Metal Snake: That just ain’t enough for me...CAUSE I’M AN ASSHOLE!] 

 

Maybe I don't want to force him into a relationship with me just because he's the father of my baby like you did with Jake."

 

[Metal Snake: That’s right, keep my Denis Leary quote relevant. ] 

[Clappy: And that was Naomi’s audition tape for Teen Fish Mom. What do you guys think?

FishTV Producer #1: Perfect.

FishTV Producer #2: Not overdramatic enough.

Calvin Reynolds: #1 Spin-off Material.]

[Hayden: Oh snap, tell it like it is. BURN JACKIE BURNNNNNN.]

[Hyde: Shut up Kelso.]

 

"I did not do that with Jake! We were still in a relationship when I told him!" Jackie said, fuming. "Plus, don't you think Trevor might get a little suspicious when you have a baby?"

 

[Metal Snake: Of course not. Everything is going to be hidden under lock and key...EVERYTHING.] 

 

"Who said I'll be having the baby?" Naomi asked.

 

[Clappy: Oh geez, I don’t know. YOU DID YOU STUPID BITCH.]

[Hayden: Come on abortion, let's do this thang.]

 

"You're not actually considering an abortion, are you?" Jackie asked.

 

"Not really..." Naomi said. "But it's an option. And if I were to do it, it would be my decision. Not Trevor's, and certainly not yours."

 

[Metal Snake: Wait...you’re not considering it, but you still want to do it and feel the need to justify it? Huh?] 

[Clappy: You know, I just realized. Naomi = 70s. Both are bitchy. Both thought very highly of themselves. Both love getting their egos rubbed. Both were advocates of unsafe sex. Both ended up just being parodies of MTV shows. The similarities are just too coincidental for it to make this much sense.]

[Hayden: Why did 70s make himself get pregnant though? ALSO, GOOD JOB CALVIN, PRO CHOICE ALL THE WAY, SUCK IT CONSERVATIVES AND JCM.]

 

"Whatever," Jackie said.

 

[Metal Snake: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/500x/51078858.jpg

 

Because you were getting bored of the Squall image. ] 

[Clappy: So you wasted this much time trying to be the voice of reason and you just say “whatever in response to all this? So much for me starting to actually think your character had a point. No wonder I forgot who you are.]

 

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get to class," Naomi said, and walked away.

 

[Clappy: God, this first segment was painfully bad. It can only get better from here, can it?]

[Hayden: Naomi needs to learn some manners. This is the second girl fight she's had in two chapters, if she keeps this up she'll have to be one of those girls who only has friends that are guys.]

 

~~~

 

Jake, Morgan, and Anna were in Science with Sandy.

 

[Metal Snake: Sand Nye the Science Guy.] 

[Clappy: Science with Sandy sounds like a better spin-off than Bikini Top.]

[Hayden: Let me guess, are Jake and Morgan going to do some chemistry?]

[sandy: Alright class, today...wait, what type of Science did I sign up for again?]

 

She was outside talking to SpongeBob and Patrick, who had accidentally done something to defile the Smoothie Shack

 

[Clappy: I hope you guys enjoy seeing the names SpongeBob and Patrick in this because that’s a rarity.]

[Metal Snake: Defile? The Smoothie Shack is a holy sanctuary all of a sudden?] 

[Jjs: With the Smoothie Shack's importance to Bikini Top, it wouldn't surprise me if it was their church too.]

 

(Jake had told them that trying to build a jetpack out of the blender was a bad idea).

 

[Hayden: So were they fired and kicked out of this story? Or does the Smoothie Shack not frown upon that? They have plenty of applicants in waiting to fill the positions.]

[Metal Snake: Spongebob and Patrick are Phineas and Ferb all of a sudden.] 

 

The students were conversing with each other.

 

Anna was sitting with a girl named Molly. "So, I don't recognize you. Are you new?"

 

[Clappy: Oh great. Another character for me to store in my data bases and not care about.]

[Hayden: Oh boy, a new character, this is just the sort of fresh thing this show needs. Unless she turns out to be a vampire or a minion of Astenias.]

 

"Yeah," Molly said. "But - sorry if this sounds weird - I've heard about you.

 

[Metal Snake: It’s - no problem - Molly. I understand that - some people can’t help that - they talk like this.] 

 

Your boyfriend died, and you hit that guy with the car."

 

[Metal Snake: I’m sick. I like reading that as her thinking she hit her boyfriend with the car. THAT would’ve been interesting.] 

 

Anna gulped. "Y-Yeah, that would be me."

 

"Sorry... I had a feeling that would make you uncomfortable."

 

[Metal Snake: Were we making each other feel awkward? I’m sorry.] 

[Clappy: Yeah, because when I first meet someone new, I bring up their criminal records and life story. Very casual conversation there Molly.]

[Hayden: Then why did you bring it up, bitch? Got my eyes on you Molly. Only squares are named Molly.]

 

"No need to apologize," Anna said.

 

"Great," Molly smiled.

 

[Clappy: NORMAL PEOPLE DON’T TALK LIKE THIS 70S!]

[Hayden: You probably had no intention of doing so to begin with you evil little twat, I'M ONTO YOU!]

[Metal Snake: ...I actually enjoyed that conversation, for two reasons. First, it didn’t involve any boring whining or angst. And second, it introduced a character that I actually kinda like. She and Dora need to work together on their own show, man.] 

 

On the other side of the room, Morgan and a boy named Seth were sitting together, with Jake alone at the table behind them.

 

"So... are you new here?" Jake asked.

 

[Metal Snake: Hey Mac. What are you in for?] 

 

Seth rolled his eyes. "No."

 

"Oh..." Jake said.

 

"But you two and your clique are supposedly always caught in your little bubble," Seth said. "This girl told me to stay away. She said there were drugs, pregnancies, murders, and tons of other shit."

 

[Metal Snake: Drugs, pregnancies, murders, OH MY!] 

[Jjs: Sorry guys, but this is probably the funniest line I've read in this spin-off. Calling it right now: Best line of the entire show.]

[Clappy: You know Seth, you are right. Get out now and stop speaking while you still have the chance to say something incredibly stupid….]

[Hayden: Wow, and just like that Seth is my favorite character. Maybe 70s can write decent characters if he tries hard enough.]

 

Both Jake and Morgan shifted uncomfortably.

 

"But I told her that's just high school, and they need to stop scrutinizing you,"

 

[Clappy: …you know, this line parodies itself. This is not high school. I’m still going to scrutinize this show. Seth, you can seriously go fuck yourself after all these other characters are done fucking each other.]

[Hayden: Yeah, murders happen in high school all the time. No big deal. Seth has the right idea here. Or that girl actually did.]

 

Seth said, seeing their reaction and sporting a devilish smile. Oh, how he enjoyed messing with people's heads.

 

[Plankton: I love messing things up.] 

 

"Who said stuff like that?" Morgan asked.

 

"Oh, Trent - sorry, I mean Trey's - ex-girlfriend, Arianna."

 

[Metal Snake: DUN DUN cool- Wait, who’s Arianna again? Wait...better question, who’s Trey again?] 

[Jjs: Oh yeah, the guy that died. Anna has spent more time moping over juvie than Trey, ironically, that I honestly entirely forgot about him.]

 

Jake and Morgan exchanged glances.

 

Seth caught the glance and said, "I gather you guys aren't friends?"

 

[Clappy: And didn’t you just say that everyone knows about your little bubble/clique?]

[Hayden: Trey died, right? But I'm blanking on this Arianna chick. Oh well, she's probably not important.]

[Metal Snake: They glanced at each other and they’re automatically enemies? I guess that’s how the Lemongrab brothers from Adventure Time ended up enemies then.] 

 

"This was kept out of the public eye, but..." Morgan said, "...Trey's killer was Arianna's cousin, Robbie. And it was all sparked by Arianna telling Robbie to beat Trey up after he broke her heart by dumping her for our best friend, Anna."

 

[Clappy: Thanks for the Season 1 recap there Morgan. I forgot all these story lines because this spin-off is just this forgettable.]

[Hayden: Actually, that recap was delightful, now I remember just how stupid that whole thing was. Are Robbie and Arianna going to become factors again or was this pointless padding?]

[Metal Snake: Kept out of the public eye? What, is the government involved with this out of nowhere? And when was it ever implied that Trey’s death was covered up? I didn’t know a public funeral (WHERE ROBBIE WAS ANNOUNCED AS THE KILLER, FYI) was so inconspicuous...] 

 

"Oh..." Seth said.

 

RING!!!!!

 

[Metal Snake: ...Huh?] 

[Clappy: Unintentional comedy at it’s finest. If I’m going to remember anything good about this episode, it’s that all caps RING with multiple explanation points. Especially since 70s use to be such a prick about people not using asterisks.]

[Hayden: RING A DING DONG, TREY'S STILL DEAD.]

[Jjs: I want to say that was the bell for the next period, but honestly, that was so vague and out of nowhere it's hard to tell.]

 

~~~

 

("Second Chance" by Shinedown plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SgjcNwwHwM ]

[Clappy: Ah, the unfitting music advertisements. I’m going to start using these to see if they actually fit with the scenes from this point forward.]

[Hayden: Can I have a second chance to go back and never read this garbage?]

 

In the hallway, Jackie went up to Naomi again.

 

[Metal Snake: Wait, wh-what was that ring for? What did that contribute to the scene transition?! Did one of the character’s cell phones go off or something?!] 

 

Naomi sighed, and nodded, to which Jackie gave her a thumbs up.

 

[Metal Snake: She’s thumbing up her sighing and nodding? What is she, an advocate for depression?

“It’s okay to feel blue every now and then, kids!” *grins and thumbs up*] 

 

Naomi approached Trevor.

 

"Hey," Trevor said. "Didn't think I'd see you again after you dumped me."

 

[Metal Snake: It’s not like we go to school together or anything.] 

 

"Yeah..." Naomi said.

 

"Do you want to get back together or something?" he asked.

 

[Clappy: Do you want to get back together or something? Way to display emotion on such an important question dumbass.]

[Hayden: I think it's the "or something" part actually. Just a guess.]

[Metal Snake: I can only imagine how he’ll pop the question. “Do you want to get married or whatever?”]

 

"Not exactly..." she said, and tears rolled down her face.

 

"Why are you crying?" Trevor asked.

 

"I'm pregnant," she said loudly, so everyone could hear and she wouldn't have to worry about rumors.

 

[Clappy: Thank you Naomi for deeming that bitchy it’s mine demeanor scene entirely pointless.]

[Hayden: Talk about attention whore. You realize you can avoid those rumors if you don't blurt it out like a shrieking banshee right?]

[Metal Snake: Uh...how would that prevent rumors? If anything, blurting something like that out loud is going to encourage them to spread the word with their own little twists on it.] 

 

"Is it mine?" Trevor asked.

 

[Clappy: Is it yours? IS IT YOURS? NO, IT’S SOME OTHER JACKASS FORGETTABLE PAWN PIECE OF A CHARACTER WHO HAD UNPROTECTED SEX WITH NAOMI. OF COURSE IT’S YOURS DIPSHIT!]

[Hayden: No, she came to tell you it's Sandy's child.]

 

"Definitely," Naomi replied. "We can talk on Fishbook tonight. But I have to go home and tell my mother."

 

[Metal Snake: Oh how we laughed and laughed at these uncreative fish puns. Except I wasn’t laughing…] 

[Clappy: God this scene was painful. You know, I can’t believe I forgot such a horribly created character like Naomi from Season 1. Exactly why did she win so many Best Female Character spin-off awards again? This bitch is just nauseatingly awful.

 

Oh and btw this song doesn’t work in this “entire scene” at all. Maybe for the getting back together element, but even then, the whole “pregnancy issue” is what the main story arch was here.

 

So this song choice FAILS.]

[Hayden: So, instead of making this big scene, you could have just contacted him online. Smart choices aren't your forte, eh Naomi?]

 

~~~

 

Morgan got home from school, exhausted from hiding her horrible secret all week.

 

[Metal Snake: How is keeping a secret so strenuous in this universe? Locks and keys, man.] 

[Clappy: What was this secret again? *talks to jjs* Oh yeah, she gets beaten by her boyfriend and then raped by him bad porno style. You know Morgan, I hear there is this three digit number you can dial that puts assholes like that in their place.]

[Hayden: All week? What's going to happen if you tell on him? He's going to rape you again? He's bound to do that again eventually JACKASS. Liam wasn't even this much of a douche in s1 to begin with though.]

 

She just cried and cried, thinking no one was there, since Jackie was picking up Charlea from daycare.

 

[Metal Snake: Don’t you just hate it when you’re doing that thing thinking no one’s there and- oh shit, now my family thinks I’m obsessed with teen romance stories. >.<] 

 

"What's wrong, honey?" her mother, Heather, said.

 

"Mom?" Morgan asked. "What are you doing here?"

 

[Metal Snake: You know, just...hanging around.]

 

"I told you I was coming home today, honey," Heather said.

 

"Oh yeah, I just forgot."

 

"Alright, then..." Heather said. "Is everything okay.

 

[Metal Snake: I like to ask statements?] 

[Clappy: You forgot a “honey”.]

[Hayden: Um plot hole, maybe 70s lost track with all of his annoying time skips, but Heather would have already been back home weeks ago.]

 

"Perfect," Morgan insisted. "Peachy, in fact!"

 

[Metal Snake: Peaches are above perfection. Peaches are godly.] 

 

"Why were you crying, then?" Heather asked.

 

"We watched Old Yeller today in school," Morgan said, quickly coming up with an excuse. "I was just remembering the scene where Travis shoots his pet snail, Yeller, because he has rabies." She was impressed with herself for coming up with that so fast.

 

[Clappy: What version of Old Yeller were you actually watching? I get the underwater version of things in this show despite how corny they are. But snails don’t get rabies dumbass.]

[Hayden: ......Why was she impressed with herself? That was the most pathetic lie in all of history.]

[Metal Snake: I’ve never seen the movie, and even I know that Yeller is a dog. Were you watching a Russian bootleg that just happened to have Spongebob substitutes for land pets?] 

 

"Oh, okay..." Heather said, and Temperance walked upstairs. "Something's going on here... maybe Jackie will know."

 

[Metal Snake: I don’t know, I’d rather talk to Jerry.] 

[Hayden: Oh, there you go again Morgan, turning into Temperance. Everyone seems to turn into her at some point.]

[Lazy Editing Police Officer: Our culprit is identified as 19 year-old Calvin Reynolds, doing further investigations...]

 

She called Jackie.

 

"Hey, Heather," Jackie said.

 

"Hi there, dear," Heather said. "So... Morgan was crying when she got home, and she said she was fine, but I'm not so sure. Do you know what could be wrong?"

 

[Jackie: Like, I dunno. Uh huh huh huh.] 

 

"I know she had a bruise on her stomach about a month ago..." Jackie said. "But I don't see why she would be crying about that."

 

[Metal Snake: Maybe she’s one of those people who has a hard time forgetting the past.] 

[Clappy: She has a bruise on her stomach….and you don’t see why she would be crying about that? Not including rape, but just a stomach bruise like that sounds painful enough to cry about that you cold bitch.]

 

"Anything else?" Heather asked.

 

"She doesn't seem like she's very happy with Liam," Jackie said. "But I don't really know. She hasn't really been talking to me much lately, at least not like she used to."

 

[Hayden: Jackie isn't very good at putting two and two together, now is she?]

 

"Okay, thanks for your help," Heather said. "Hurry home."

 

[Metal Snake: Hooray for telepathy. How did she know that she wasn’t home?] 

 

"Will do," Jackie said.

 

~~~

 

("Good Girls Go Bad" by Cobra Starship plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix5z1bRz4Sc ]

[Hayden: I make them bad girls go good.]

 

Bryan and Temperance are at Temperance's house, and Temperance is still feeling depressed. The two are making out on her bed, when Bryan starts to take off her shirt. She doesn't resist.

 

[Metal Snake: I couldn’t resist riffing this.] 

 

Bryan gestures to his wallet, and Temperance nods. He takes out a condom.

 

[Metal Snake: Sorry hun, cash only.] 

[Clappy: ….well gee thanks 70s.  Not only is this scene entirely pointless, but the song doesn’t even work. When I think Good Girls Go Bad, I think a fun stupid song. Not emotionally depressing, but I’m going to have sex anyway.]

[Jjs: I'm guessing this laughably bad scene is actually what 70s imagined his sex tape with Sara looked like. You know what, that is exactly what this is. This scene is a sex tape gone wrong. 70s probably accidentally put in his sex tape with Sara in for this scene, and when the network executives asked him about it, he dubbed over the lines with Bikini Top characters.]

[Hayden: Nothing like sex to take your mind off cancer. Still, Temperance is already smarter than half the female characters, even if she likes taking their places a lot.]

 

~~~

 

Naomi walks into her home, ready to tell Veera about her pregnancy. Who knows what will happen? That's when Naomi realizes... she doesn't. What if Veera kicks her out? What if she makes her get an abortion? Hell, what if she murders her?

 

Naomi decided against telling her, and walks in the door.

 

[Clappy: What if she murders her? JESUS CHRIST 70S. Not all parents murder their children. Her mother is not Chris Benoit unless she is on roid rage.]

[Hayden: You'd be surprised how possible that 3rd one is Clappy. At least in the confines of this story.]

[Metal Snake: What if Veera is really an evil alien from outer space? What if she lays eggs in your stomach? Hell, what if she convinces 70s to phase you out of this story?] 

 

"Hey, I got you an audition for a commercial," Veera said.

 

[Metal Snake: On Nickelodeon.] 

 

"What?" Naomi said.

 

[Clappy: Hi, my name’s Naomi and I’m an advocate for teenage pregnancy.]

[Hayden: A commercial? Don't stars usually do cocaine after they become famous, not before?]

 

"A commercial!" Veera said. "It's a national spot!"

 

Naomi couldn't take this.

 

[Metal Snake: How dare you give me a chance to be on TV!] 

 

"No," she said.

 

"What did you just say to me?" Veera asked.

 

"I said no, Mom," Naomi said. "I'm not your slave!"

 

[Clappy: You are just her daughter, you stupid bitch. She got you a commercial for Christ’s sake. She is helping you make money to support your unknown child.]

[Hayden: And just like that the Zoe Rivas' character on Degrassi seems like a very lazy and unoriginal concept. 70s obviously isn't writing it any better though.]

[Naomi: Have you ever heard of Emancipation Proclamation?!

Veera: No, I don’t listen to hip-hop.] 

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I mean that you're constantly making me do commercials and parts on TV shows because you're too lazy to find a good job to support us! Because of that, I did cocaine, and you don't even seem to care!"

 

[Clappy: Oh boo hoo. It must be so hard being an actress. Seriously Naomi, shut the fuck up you pretentious bitch.]

[Hayden: Nothing like shirking your responsibility for doing cocaine onto your mother and acting career. Naomi has really matured a lot since s1.]

[Metal Snake: You know, I just realized that she finally explained why she was being forced to act, yet didn’t explain where she got the cocaine from. Dr. Rockzo?] 

 

"Of course I care, honey..." Veera said. "I thought this was what you wanted to do. Acting. And so I went along with it, and I got you jobs on commercials, and TV shows, and every movie I could find,

 

[Metal Snake: Every movie? I’m not a film guru, but wow. Naomi must be a multi-millionaire.]

 

because I wanted to do that for you and your career."

 

"That's bull and you know it, Mom," Naomi said.

 

[Clappy: I know something that’s bull and it certainly isn’t your mother.]

[Hayden: Who cares if it's bull, at least you're getting acting roles you snobby little coke addict.]

 

"I'm sorry," Veera said. "Is that good enough for you?"

 

"No," Naomi said. "It's not.

 

[Metal Snake: IT’S TOO LATE TO APOLOGIZE!] 

 

You've been doing this since I was a kid.

 

[Metal Snake: Scratch that. Naomi must be a billionaire.] 

 

Just because you apologized doesn't mean you'll stop being such a bitch."

 

"Did you just call me a bitch?" Veera asked.

 

[Metal Snake: WHO YOU CALLIN’ A BITCH?] 

 

"Yeah, I did," Naomi said.

 

"Wow..." Veera said. "Am I really that bad?"

 

[Metal Snake: For such a bitch of a mother, I’m surprised she didn’t say “Fuck you!” after that comment.] 

[Clappy: Veera hasn’t done anything wrong in my eyes to provide Naomi lashing out like this.]

[Hayden: The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree if Veera's a bitch.....]

 

"You really are..." Naomi said.

 

[Metal Snake: Yes, yes you are.] 

 

"None of my friends want to come over because they're scared that you're gonna be here."

 

"Oh..." Veera said.

 

[Metal Snake: And that’s all I could say was “OH!”] 

[Clappy: Someone takes virtual punches to the face quite well.]

[Hayden: I'm definitely warming up to that murder idea if 70s is willing to go there.]

 

"And you wanna know something else?" Naomi asked.

 

"What?" Veera asked her daughter.

 

"I'm pregnant."

 

"What?"

 

[Metal Snake: Say “What” again!] 

 

"I'm pregnant, so excuse me if I don't want to go audition for a damn commercial!" Naomi said.

 

[Metal Snake: Wait, you already stood up for yourself about not wanting to go on the commercial, so why are you telling her to “excuse” you?] 

 

"And I'm sorry, but my hormones are all over the place, and I was just pissed off at you, but now I'm sad and I need a hug from my mother!" Naomi sobbed and sobbed.

 

[Metal Snake: The characters in this show really like their hugs…] 

[Clappy: Sounds like Naomi is more on her period then pregnant.]

[Hayden: Damn those mood swings....pregnancy really just kicks in fast, doesn't it?]

 

Veera started to cry, and the two of them hugged.

 

"This is what it needs to be like, Mom..." Naomi said. "This."

 

[Metal Snake: And I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure it ends up like this…] 

[Clappy: So this is what it needs to be like. It needs to be like you being allowed to verbally assault your mother for being a caring mother only determined to make sure you and your family are financially healthy because she knows how much you want to be an actress. Yet you can do as much cocaine, sexual intercourse, and having children with strange men because all your mother seems to do is care about you. I could be missing something that Veera has done to Naomi, but I really can’t stand this bitch. I know she dominates a lot of Season 2 though, so that means even more nauseating over dramatics are to come.]

[Hayden: This is just too beautiful. Mother and daughter reconnecting after daughter bullies her into submission.]

 

~~~

 

("Know Your Enemy" by Green Day plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GrCDdm2yjXY ]

[Hayden: I think I know you well enough by now Calvin. TMI tbh.]

 

Dora punches the wall of the prison and breaks through.

 

[Metal Snake: Dora is Superman all of a sudden?] 

 

Guards come after her, and she hisses. Giant teeth expand from her mouth, and she bites each of them... making them what she is, causing them immense pain, damning them eternally.

 

[Metal Snake: Damned eternally to be Superman?]

 

She laughs evilly, and sits down under a tree, waiting for their transformation to be complete.

 

[Clappy: FINALLY MY UNDERSEA SUPERNATURAL CREATURES….and thankfully she isn’t the only one laughing. A corny pop rock song like Know Your Enemy playing over a prison break through taken seriously like this. At least the unfitting music can’t get much worse….]

[Hayden: What the hell did you do to Dora? MY INNOCENCE AND CHILDHOOD HAS BEEN STOLEN!]

[Jjs: Maybe this whole vampire teaser foreshadowing scene would've been more surprising if you know, it wasn't spoiled with "biting them" and "transformation". Epic spoiler cover-up fail.]

 

~~~

 

("I'm Just a Kid" by Simple Plan plays throughout the end montage)

 

[Jjs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gfgUUZj24Y ]

[Clappy: FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU-]

[Hayden: I'm just a WingNut KnuckleHead McSpazatron.]

[Metal Snake: I’M JUST A KID! AND THIS STORY’S A NIGHTMARE!] 

 

Temperance cries, feeling worse after having sex with Bryan.

 

[Clappy: THEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD SEX YOU STUPID BITCH!]

[Hayden: At least Bryan got what he wanted, so one of you is happy.]

 

Bryan drives home from Temperance's house, feeling good... like he's a man.

 

[Metal Snake: NOW I’M A MAN! A MAN MAN MAN!]

[Clappy: Yeah, because I just had sex like every other character in this horrible unrealistic spin-off.]

[Hayden: Bryan, you manly man. Curing Temperance's mother's cancer one boner at a time.]

 

Dora has her new minions seal the hole she made in juvie, and heads to Bikini Top.

 

[Clappy: Yeah, because when I break out, I go back to the scene of the crime to fix the hole in the wall….]

[Hayden: Maybe Dora isn't so bad after all! She bothered to clean up after her mess. Which is more than Naomi did after she barfed on the floor. Naomi is the true antagonist of this story.]

 

Heather talks to Morgan, and still thinks something is wrong. Morgan doesn't reveal anything.

 

[Clappy: HER FRIEND JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT HER STOMACH WOUND STUPID.]

[Hayden: Hey Morgan. *nudge nudge* NOW'S THE IDEAL TIME TO TELL SOMEONE YOU WERE RAPED MAYBE?]

 

Naomi and Veera talk, laughing with each other. Naomi is surprised that it took a pregnancy to bring them together as a family.

 

[Clappy: More like it took PMS.]

[Hayden: Somehow I don't find that realistic, it would only make your relationship more tense if anything, is this what 70s meant by Naomi's pregnancy going differently? I'll take this over 70s bad attempts at trying to describe an abortion to us.]

[Metal Snake: Me too...that was what caused her to have a change of heart?! I know childbirth is a beautiful thing, but I can’t even imagine a nice, caring mother who loves her daughter being happy that she got pregnant in her teens...]

 

Jackie plays with the engagement ring on her finger, wondering if she should go through with the marriage.

 

[Clappy: Thanks for not touching upon this subplot 70s.]

[Hayden: Damnit Jackie, you're supposed to be the decisive one since Jake's a complete jackass.]

[Metal Snake: I don’t have anything left to say except how did the song “I’m Just a Kid” tie in with this montage or even this episode? I don’t think even Simple Plan would whine about kids driving home, holes in walls being sealed, people laughing, or mediocrely written stories containing lots of whining. Yeah.] 

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

"Second Chance" by Shinedown - www.youtube.com/watch?v=H25ORRgLxdA
"Good Girls Go Bad" by Cobra Starship - www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix5z1bRz4Scrl
"Know Your Enemy" by Green Day - www.youtube.com/watch?v=uN0UZ1EM-Jk
"I'm Just a Kid" by Simple Plan - www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GOR5gvQwDI

 

[Jjs: Yup. Still the best part of the episode.]

 

---

 

Reviews appreciated.

 

[Clappy: Certainly. This episode fucking blows. Worst episode of this show I’ve ever read and I’m grateful I don’t remember anything about this show before returning to riff it. It’s only a matter of time until this shit disappears from my subconscious once more as I riff the next episode wondering who these people are again.]

[Hayden: I don't remember a single thing I read, aside from the introductions of Seth and Molly, and that freaking disturbing imagery of Dora becoming a psycho vampire or something. Oh crap spoilers. Well regardless this chapter's going in the vault. Boop.]

[Metal Snake]

Hold on...

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS AWFUL EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

 

AWFUL...

 

AWFUL...

 

AWFUL...

 

He praises his last two as the best episodes ever, and then out of nowhere, calls this one...awful. I officially have a theory. Bikini Top is a story about 70s' spiral into insanity from the guilt of what he was doing at the time, lying to everyone. All the boring conversations, all the meaningless subplots, and all the unfitting songs aren't meant to contribute to the story. They all represent the mental trauma 70s' faced and their futility is meant to show us, the readers, the futility of creating a false reality. For it only brings grief in the end...

 

Oh, and I also have a theory as to why Naomi won so many character awards. The people who voted for her did it partly because they had not actually read Bikini Top and assumed she was a well-developed character because she was from the "#1 spin-off", partly because the spin-off awards were "The 70s and Dylan Show" (two admins who could TOTALLY take criticism and be fine with you not voting for them) for the most part back in those days, and partly because Naomi is a cool name.

 

...That's why I always voted for her, at least.

[Jjs Goodman]

Hold on...

 

MUSIC FEATURED IN THIS AWFUL EPISODE OF BIKINI TOP

 

AWFUL...

 

AWFUL...

 

AWFUL...

 

He praises his last two as the best episodes ever, and then out of nowhere, calls this one...awful. I officially have a theory. Bikini Top is a story about 70s' spiral into insanity from the guilt of what he was doing at the time, lying to everyone. All the boring conversations, all the meaningless subplots, and all the unfitting songs aren't meant to contribute to the story. They all represent the mental trauma 70s' faced and their futility is meant to show us, the readers, the futility of creating a false reality. For it only brings grief in the end...

 

Oh, and I also have a theory as to why Naomi won so many character awards. The people who voted for her did it partly because they had not actually read Bikini Top and assumed she was a well-developed character because she was from the "#1 spin-off", partly because the spin-off awards were "The 70s and Dylan Show" (two admins who could TOTALLY take criticism and be fine with you not voting for them) for the most part back in those days, and partly because Naomi is a cool name.

 

...That's why I always voted for her, at least.

 

Actually, I just checked, and that wasn't in the original topic. I think Clappy added that in.  Sorry, I should've proofread that better.

[Metal Snake]

Actually, I just checked, and that wasn't in the original topic. I think Clappy added that in.  Sorry, I should've proofread that better.

 

Oh shit, you're right. Still sticking to my theory however, especially with one of the future episodes being titled "Worst. Episode. Ever."