Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

This show is actually making me more able to enjoy the puke that is Bikini Top.

[Jjs Goodman]

Specials thanks to Webby and CNF for guest riffing in the new episodes today.

 

Bikini Top - Season 1

S1E1 (1) - Pilot

S1E2 (2) - Jex

S1E3 (3) - Trapped

S1E4 (4) - Crushed

S1E5 (5) - Memories and Repercussions

S1E6 (6) - Arianna and Naomi 

S1E7 (7) - Things Get Musical

S1E8 (8) - Bad News Brenda 

S1E9 (9) - Turn of Events

S1E10 (10) - Auditions

 

S1E11 (11) - Funeral:

Spoiler

Previously on Bikini Top... Bryan goes to the hospital, and spends some last few moments with his dad... then he dies. Jake and his family give Bryan a place to stay. Meanwhile, Naomi feels pressure from her mother to audition for a sitcom, but she instead auditions for the lead in the school play. She's up against her best friend, Morgan, who drops out in the end. Brenda tells Tristan that she can't have children... and they get engaged. Hersht Gables, the drug dealer who killed Gordan Errin, goes to a new location, and we learn some things about him. The new Chief of Police, Henry Riviera, promises to find Hersht. And in the end, a lot happens, but the thing that has the biggest shock value... Morgan in her house, kissing a random guy. Whattttttt? Read this episode for more information, and the burial of Gordan Errin.

 

[Jjs: Let's give a warm welcome to our special guest, Webby! Say hi Webby!]

[Webby: Hi, Webby!]

[Jjs: Everyone say hi to Webby back. Good. Now let's see what horrors await in this episode...]

 

("Meet Me Halfway" by The Black Eyed Peas plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Great, not even a damn sentence in, and shitty on land music is playing to these underwater dwellers. I wonder how they are all familiar with such songs?]

[Webby: I guess after America gets tired of their music, they go underwater to torture the poor fishes, huh?]

Morgan gets a call from Jake. Like, the billionth call today.

 

[Webby: *whipping noises*]

 

Yesterday she slammed the door in his face, blah blah blah! She was over him, and she was sick and tired of all his crap.

 

[Jjs: Oooh, she's done with him!]

 

He nailed a girl. He scored. Woohooooo. Typical guy. He didn't need her anymore. He had that whore, Jackie... and probably a bunch of other sluts knocking on his door. The phone stopped ringing. Good. He gave up. Anyways... the other night Morgan met Liam, a guy who understands her... and really likes her.

 

[Jjs: Hello Bland Love Interest #7!]

 

Well... actually, she kissed him after saying 'Hi,'

 

[Webby: Boy, that escalated quickly.]

 

then she took him to her house, and in a drunken moment, lost her virginity to him. So, after all that crap that she and Jake had over sex, she gave it up to some random guy named Liam.

 

[Jjs: What happened to calling it Jex? And sweet, losing your virginity to some random guy! Man, I love what a positive influence this bunch is. There also went Morgan's title of being the President of the Celibacy Club.]

 

That makes her feel just horrible. So now she wants to try to have a meaningful relationship with Liam. She decides to call him.

 

[Jjs: Let me guess, this will be another useless phone conversation with an out of nowhere twist revealed in an over the top way?]

 

"Hello?" Liam said.

"Hi, it's Morgan," she said.

"Who?" Liam asked, sounding absolutely stumped.

"I... um... we had sex a week ago..." Morgan said.

 

[Jjs: PLOT HOLE POLICE STRIKES BACK! You said it was a few nights ago, not a week. A few nights and a week are two different things, miss Morgan. And I guess Jex is pretty much dropped. I guess 70s got tired of whoring out Jex puns.]

[Webby: But not his characters.]

 

"Oh..." Liam said. "Hold up, lemme see if I remember you...."

 

[Webby: Who the fuck ever says that?]

"What the hell?!" Morgan exclaimed.

"Excuse me?" Liam said.

"Does sex mean nothing to you?" Morgan asked.

"It's just sex. Hooking up. Gettin' down. Mating..." Liam said. "No big deal."

 

[Jjs: Yeah, it's no big deal to potentially get a girl pregnant, or even a possible STD. Great message.]

[Webby: *sigh* So many characters, so little development.]

 

"It is a big deal, you son of a b!tch!" Morgan said. She then slammed her cell phone shut, and threw it at the wall. Damn it! She lost her virginity to some jerk, who looked at sex like it was "gettin' down"!

 

[Webby: AND she needs a new phone!]

 

What a load of CRAP! She gave everything she had to that manwhore. Is she some magnet that attracts assholes or something?

 

[Jjs: Whoa, and their relationship is over within less than an episode! Man, this show is doing such a wonderful job with its pacing of this Love Triangle. *sarcasm*]

 

Suddenly, her phone rang again. This time, she saw that it was Jake.

"Hello?" she said, clearly crying.

"Hey..." Jake said. "Are you okay, Mor?"

 

[Webby: Is it cool if I just call her "Mor the Whore" from now on?]

"No," she sniffled.

"I'm on my way," Jake said.

 

[Jjs: And Jake likes Morgan again....ugh, my head hurts. Who likes who anymore?!]

(Theme plays)

 

[Webby: That all happened before the theme started playing? Oh boy. And on a side note, what the fuck is the theme song anyway?]

After planning a funeral for a week, the funeral is tomorrow. Finally. Bryan is ready to stop thinking about his father, and get on with his life. He walks down the stairs of his new home.

 

[Jjs: Whoa, that was one fast week of planning, Bryan! It was so fast that the audience didn't even see it on-screen!]

 

Tori and Larry, Jake's parents (his new foster parents) were waiting for him.

 

[Jjs: Jake's new foster parents? Whoa, I thought they were Jake's biological parents! Man, that's some great wording there. Probably should’ve removed that parenthesis, because all it did was confuse me, thanks 70s. Confusion is just what I needed more of in this show.]

"Hello, Bryan," Tori said. "We wanted to talk to you before you went to do... whatever it is you do on a Friday when there's no school."

 

[Jjs: "Before you went to do"? Did they teleport back in time?]

[Webby: That sounds like a better idea for a spin-off.]

"Okay, what do you wanna talk about? Bryan asked, and sat down on the couch.

"We were worried about you," Tori said.

"Why?" Bryan said.

"Your father is dead, dear," Tori said.

 

[Jjs: No shit, sherlock.]

"Yes..." Bryan said.

"You don't seem sad at all," Larry said. "It's okay to let it out. It's not good for you to hold in your emotions the way we suspect that you have been doing.

 

[Jjs: It's okay to feel sad, kids.]

 

It's more than anyone can handle. The loss of a parent is a traumatizing thing. Anyone has the right to be upset. To blame someone. You don't seem angry that the person who shot him still hasn't been shot. You don't seem upset that you'll never get to see your father's face again.

 

[Webby: "Unless it's open casket. Am I right? Too soon?"]

 

You don't seem upset that you'll never come downstairs and say 'Good morning,' to your father again. You don't seem upset that when you were just getting to know your father, he was shot and killed. You should be upset."

 

[Jjs: Well, at least she put some emotion into that speech, compared to the other sappy speeches this show has tried forcing down my throat.]

"I appreciate the concern and everything," Bryan said. "So, thanks... but... no thanks."

 

[Jjs: So you're not sad your father died, even after that speech? Man, he's hardcore.]

~~~

Jake parked his boatmobile in Morgan's driveway, then walked inside. Her parents weren't home, as always... for some reason. Work kept them busy.

 

[Jjs: Both of them are very busy? Are they working as secret agents to save the world or something?]

[Webby: Maybe that should be the plot, instead of this teen drama crap.]

 

He went up, ready to talk to his ex-girlfriend about whatever it is that made her so upset.

("Will You Remember Me" by April Matson plays throughout the scene)

 

[Jjs: Man, soon every artist/band/singer will be underwater!]

[Webby: I've never even heard of this chick!]

"Hey," Jake said.

"What the hell do you want?" Morgan asked.

"Why the hell are you cursing?" Jake asked.

 

[Jjs: Yeah, stop fucking cussing you pieces of shits, it's bad. Now go clean those goddamn dirty mouths.]

"Oh, no reason.... Just the loss of my precious virtue."

"What?" Jake asked.

"God's greatest gift that he has bestowed upon us... that thing that you should have with you until marriage... a gift you can give to your husband on your wedding night..." she said.

 

[Webby: A booster seat?]

"Spit it out..." Jake kidded, though he now understood what she was talking about.

"My damn virginity!" she said, then she pulled her abstinence ring off of her finger, and threw it at her wall.

 

[Jjs: Well, you brought that upon yourself sister. Should never trust a random guy named Liam to have sex with.]

"Oh."

"Yeah," she said. She leaned on Jake's shoulder and started crying.

 

[Webby: Was "Yeah" all she could really say to sum up her feelings before crying?]

"It's gonna be okay, Morgan," Jake said.

"No! No, it's not gonna be okay," she said. "I had sex with this random Liam guy, and to him it's no big deal. 

 

[Jjs: Oh, it is a big deal. He could be a father soon if he didn't use safe Jex protection.]

 

At all. To him it's mating. To him it's gettin' down. To him it's just hooking up! To me... it's everything. I gave him God's most wonderful gift to me and he doesn't give a damn.

 

[Webby: I doubt "God's greatest gift" was on her mind when she was nailing this guy.]

 

I probably wasn't his first. I was probably his hundredth or something."

 

[Jjs: I kind of love how she's not even concerned about getting pregnant or an STD. Hopefully Liam had a Jondom on him, though at this point it seems like the Jex puns died away. What a shame, they made it such easy riff bait!]

"Morgan, I'm so sorry that happened to you," Jake said. "I... really don't know what to say."

"You should be sorry. You caused this!" Morgan said.

 

[Jjs: For once, she's right. If you weren't such a whiny asshole about wanting to have "Jex", Jake, you two could've been with each other longer, bud.]

"I didn't make you crawl into bed with a manwhore..." Jake replied.

 

[Jjs: MAN WHORE! Oh, that got him.]

[Webby: I guess he has a point there. She would rather have sex with a random asshole she meets at a party rather than a steady boyfriend. Even if there was alcohol involved, that's pretty harsh.]

"I guess you're right..." she sighed. "I'm sorry for blaming you, Jake. You know... you really are a great guy. Even with all this Jackie crap going on."

 

[Webby: Uh... That's not what I meant.]

"I really am sorry. For cheating on you," Jake said.

 

[Webby: "I love putting the wrong emphasis on my sentences."]

"It's okay," she said. "But... you're not off the hook."

 

[Jjs: THE HOOKS, THE HOOKS! WATCH OUT FOR THE HOOKS!]

"Of course not," Jake smiled. Then, he saw Morgan, looking right into his eyes. She started leaning in, close to him. He put his lips out, and kiss her. He's missed kissing her. It feels right. Like their lips should never stop touching. But, everything has to come to an end eventually, unfortunately.

 

[Webby: Except for this spin-off.]

"No..." Morgan said.

"What?" Jake said.

"I can't do this," Morgan said. "I can't come back to you. Not after what you did to me. Do you know how much pain you caused me?"

"Yes, I do know. And I'm sorry for that," Jake said. "But I still think we can give us another chance. I honestly love you, Morgan."

"Well I don't love you." Morgan looked down at the floor. "Thanks for kind of cheering me up. But... I think it's best if you leave."

 

[Jjs: Oh for goodness sakes, are you putting them back together or not?]

"Fine..." Jake said. He slammed the door, and went to his boatmobile. He got in the front seat, and banged his head against the steering wheel.

 

[Webby: "...Until he got a headache."]

~~~

"Bye, Mom!" Temperance said.

"Where are you going?" Brenda asked.

"Oh, to Gordan Errin's funeral," Temperance said.

"I thought things with you and Bryan were still pretty shaky," Brenda said. "But you're still going to his father's funeral?"

"Well yeah, things are pretty crazy." Temperance nodded. "But I still feel like I should be there for him, you know? We've been friends for a long time. Way before that stupid kiss ever happened. Plus, I knew Gordan. I want to be there... to say goodbye."

 

[Jjs: That's going to be one awkward funeral, then.]

"Well I'm glad you're being mature about this," Brenda said.

"Plus, I know what it's like to lose a father," Temperance said. "I think I can help him get through this."

"Just don't go looking for some sort of romance," Brenda said. "I doubt Bryan wants that. Especially now that his father is dead and everything."

"Okay..." Temperance said. "So have they caught that Hersht guy yet?"

 

[Jjs: Wait, when did Temperance give a shit about Hersht? Did she magically turn into a cop off-screen?]

"Nope," Brenda said. "He's still on the loose."

 

[Jjs: He's having a party in an abyss!]

"Oh..." Temperance said. "So what are ya doing today?"

"Nothing... just going to the adoption agency," Brenda replied. "They want to see if our funds are stable enough to adopt. And if I will be a 'fit parent.'"

 

[Jjs: Yes, because you clearly need another mouth to feed.]

"Well I'm sure they'll think that you're a fit parent, Mom," Temperance smiled. "Is there a chance you'll bring my brother or sister home today?"

"Nope," Brenda said. "Not for a few weeks."

"Well, I can't wait," Temperance said. "I'm really sorry you can't have kids, Mom. I'm glad you're finding a way to deal with it."

"Temperance, it's not your fault I'm infertile," Brenda said. "It really is no one's fault.

 

[Jjs: It's the body system's fault.]

 

But yeah, I'm finding a way to deal with it. And, um... you need to find a way to deal with Bryan rejecting you, okay?

 

[Webby: And singing a Carrie Underwood song on karaoke at some party to him isn't it.]

 

You have this hope that it will happen... but I don't think it will. I know it hurts. You're in denial, just like I was in denial when I found out your father was cheating on me. Just like I was in denial when I found out that I was not able to have children. And I got over it. And you can get over this. I know you can. You've been in this funk ever since it happened. And it's been months. You really just have to get over it. And I really am glad to see that you're starting to. You don't know how glad I am to see you, my daughter, happy again. It caused me so much pain to see you, always so upset, and so distant. And you were ignoring everyone."

 

[Jjs: And I want a pony. And I want a pizza. And I want a soda. And I want a car!]

"But I'm over that," Temperance said.

"And I'm glad you are. So glad, honey," Brenda said. "But... is going to that funeral worth reopening old wounds? Now that you're finally getting out of that funk?"

"Don't worry, Mom," Temperance assured Brenda. "I'll be fine. I just want to be there for Bryan when he needs me. You know, when he needs a friend."

"Okay," Brenda said. "Have fun."

"At a funeral?" Temperance joked, then walked out the door.

 

[Jjs: Have fun mourning.]

[Webby: Have fun reopening old wounds.]

~~~

Everyone was there. Everyone except Jake. There was Morgan, Naomi, Anna, Trey, Arianna (why was she there?),

 

[Jjs: I don't know, you tell me.]

[Webby: Does he seriously expect us to be like, "Well, she did have this thing planned, but it was moved to Sunday, and the thing on Sunday was moved to Tuesday, so she had a few hours to kill, so she thought 'why not?' and went for shits and giggles"?]

 

Temperance, his dad's friends, everyone from the police station, tons of people from school. Where in the hell was his foster brother? Then, he saw him.

 

[Webby: Then why even ask the question?]

 

Jake was stepping out of his boatmobile with a girl with short red hair and hazel eyes. Jake walked up to Bryan and said, "This is Jackie."

"You mean, the Jackie?" Bryan said.

 

[Jjs: The one and only infamous Jackie! Wanted for sleeping with Jake, and being a bland love interest across the seven seas!]

Jake nodded.

"Um, Jackie, can I talk to Jake alone for a second?" Bryan asked.

"Sure," Jackie said, and walked away.

"What is she doing here?" Bryan said.

"Well, she's my girlfriend," Jake said.

 

[Jjs: Make. Up. Your. Mind. Is it Morgan or Jackie? If you can't decide, just have an orgy already.]

[Webby: Threesomes are a great way to bond with old and new flames.]

"What?" Bryan asked.

"Well, I was sick of all the Morgan drama, so I decided I should be with Jackie. I told her that on the way here, told her to dress in some black clothes, and she came with me, after we made out a little," Jake explained.

[Webby: And that got him in the mood for a funeral how, exactly? What a douche.]

[Jjs: Ooh yeah, I'm going to get revenge on my ex-girlfriend by dating the girl I slept with again. That won't cause issues at all!]

"There's something wrong with you," Bryan concluded.

"Shut up, man," Jake said.

At a different part of the cemetery, Morgan and Anna were talking.

"Can you believe he brought her?" they said in unison.

"Who are you talking about?" Morgan asked.

"Who are you talking about?" Anna asked.

 

[Jjs: Who are you talking TO?]

"I'm talking about Jake. He brought Jackie!" Morgan said.

"Oh. Well... I'm talking about Trey. He brought Arianna!" Anna said.

"What is wrong with men?" Morgan asked.

 

[Jjs: Haha, stereotyping.]

"I have no idea..." Anna said.

"I think you should tell Trey you hate Arianna," Morgan suggested.

"He knows," Anna said. "I don't know why he's with that b!tch...."

 

[Jjs: So, the show has time to censor bitch, but it won't bother to fix the many plot holes and bland stereotypes? Glad the priorities are straight.]

 

"Maybe he just loves her," Morgan said. "Just like, no matter what Jake does, I still love him, just the same. It's the messed up thing about love. It never goes away."

"I don't think he loves her..." Anna said. "Do you think they've had sex?"

 

[Jjs: No no, it's Jex, remember? Did everyone in this show just get blasted with a memory wiper or something?]

"I don't know," Morgan said. "But that's really none of our business, is it?"

 

[Jjs: Yes, it is my business. You may have gotten your memories wiped and I want to investigate!]

"I guess not..." Anna said. "Should I tell him I like him?"

"Does he know?" Morgan asked.

"Well, yeah..." Anna said. "But maybe if I told him again, he'd choose me instead of Arianna."

 

[Webby: "And if that doesn't work, then I guess third time's a charm?"]

"I doubt it, Anna," Morgan said. "If he likes you back, he'll come to you. I'm sure he will. You know him and Arianna aren't going to last, so just wait until they crash and burn. Then, after that, of course you and Trey will be together. But for now, just... leave it alone."

 

[Jjs: Let it be, let it be.]

 

"But I can't do that," Anna said.

"Why?" Morgan asked.

 

[Webby: "I'm sorry, Mor. I'm afraid I can't let you do that."]

"I think I love him," Anna said.

"Really?" Morgan asked.

"Yeah..." Anna said.

("Love Song" by Sara Bareilles plays)

 

[Webby: Awwww... How cheesy!]

[Jjs: Soon before you know it, Nicki Minaj will go underwater...well, they can have her for all I care.]

 

She walked over to Trey when Arianna went to go get a cup of water.

"Trey, I think I love you," she spat out.

Trey's mouth hung open for a moment or two. "Um, what?"

"I think I love you," she repeated.

"Say that again..." Trey said.

"I think I love you," she said a third time.

[Jjs: Patrick: I love you.]

"That's great, Anna," Trey said. "Because I think I love you, too." He wrapped his arms around her, and hugged her tightly. Then, they kissed.

[Webby: ...How the fuck did that work?]

Arianna walked over. "Trey, what the hell are you doing?" she asked.

"Arianna, I'm sorry to do this," Trey said. "But... I need to be with Anna."

"Damn it, Trey!" Arianna screamed. "How dare you do this to me!"

"Could you leave, B!tchzilla?" Anna said. "No one wants you here...."

 

[Jjs: Bitchzilla? Godzilla got a girlfriend?]

 

"Screw you, Anna!" Arianna yelled. Then she looked across the cemetery and screamed, "SCREW ALL OF YOU!" She started running home.

 

[Jjs: Screw all of us? Well, I don't know if that'd exactly be healthy...but it's your choice, Bitchzilla.]
[Webby: The pastor, slightly thrown off by this remark, gave the Sign of the Cross and kept on with the sermon that no one was listening to.]

 

At another part of the cemetery, Temperance was looking longingly at Bryan. She decided to go against her mother's advice and confront Bryan about her feelings for him. She walked over to him. "Bryan, I just wanted you to know I'm done being mad at you."

"Finally..." Bryan grunted, jokingly.

"And, I wanted to say, I still really like you... more than in the 'Just Friends' way," she said.

 

[Jjs: This show might as well have been billed off for Valentine's Day.]

 

"I think I like you in that way, too, actually," Bryan said.

"Really?" Temperance asked.

"Really," Bryan replied. He kissed Temperance fiercely.

 

[Webby: Your dad would be so proud. *sarcasm*]

[Jjs: And so, the already crappy Love Triangle plot gets even crappier.]

Standing alone, Morgan was now really angry. Two new couples, now standing right in front of her. But Jake was still with Jackie. She was definitely going to go talk to him about it, seeing what that can do now.

"Jackie, can I talk to Jake for a second?" Morgan asked.

"Sure, everyone seems to want to, anyways..." Jackie said, sounding just a bit aggravated.

"Jake, I want to be with you," Morgan said once Jackie was gone.

"Yeah, well I'm done with all of this drama, Morgan," Jake said. "I want to be with Jackie. Not you. With you, it's fight after fight. I think with Jackie, it will be simple."

 

[Jjs: Did you ever think for once that maybe it's your fault the fights started, with your constant sex (aka jex) obsession that most decent people don’t base an entire relationship around? This show does such a terrible job stereotyping teenagers. Most teens in my area and in general don’t act as melodramatic and whiny as this...not even me!]

"And what if it's not?" Morgan asked.

"I don't care," he said. "I'm sorry, Morgan."

"Whatever..." she said.

("Love Song" stops playing)

 

[Jjs: How freaking long was that song playing for?]

[Webby: Was this a club remix or something?]

Later, Anna went to talk to Morgan. Naomi came with her this time.

"You okay?" Naomi asked her.

"Yeah," she said. "I guess so."

"You sure?" Anna asked.

"Yeah," Morgan said. "How are you, Anna?"

"Oh, you know... great... on top of the world..." she chuckled gleefully. "This is such a great day!"

 

[Jjs: You're On Top Of The World with Imagine Dragons.]

[Webby: Who are still hopefully above water.]

"You do realize we're at a funeral, right?" Naomi said.

"Oh!" Anna shrieked. "I mean... how could I feel this great at a funeral? I'm so embarrassed now.... Thanks a lot, Naomi." She stuck her tongue out.

 

[Webby: Which is not appropriate anywhere. Well, it's not inappropriate, but you'll get many glances in your direction.]

~~~

("Life is Beautiful" by Vega 4 plays throughout the scene)

 

[Webby: That song is played at a place where there are thousands of dead people? Is it like saying, "Life is beautiful, but you're dead now, so haha"?]

 

In this scene, the first without dialogue, everyone is shown saying goodbye to Gordan Errin. We even see Zoey and her fiance, Zack. We see tons of people, including Hersht, who is disguised. 

 

[Webby: Well, gee! Thanks for giving it away!]

 

We also see Henry Riviera, who had promised to kill Hersht.

 

[Jjs: So, to sum up the silent scene: Zoey and Zack appear out of nowhere, even though they moved to another town. Hersht stopped having an abyss party and appears at the funeral for no reason. Henry Riviera (aka Character With No Backstory #4) is just there for the sake of being there. Also, apparently the voice actors weren't getting paid enough, so they went on strike for this scene.]

 

~~~

("You Found Me" by The Fray plays during the montage)

 

[Jjs: Oh sweet, another montage that will have no plot relevance whatsoever!]

Bryan is going to drop Temperance off at her house, and Temperance is going to make the announcement that she and Bryan are now dating, and when they go in, they tell Brenda, and she introduces Alexandria, Temperance's new baby sister, to them. The adoption agency decided to let her have her early.

 

[Jjs: Hello, another useless character.]

Anna and Trey share a good night kiss.

Jake waves goodbye as Jackie walks into her house.

Morgan sits on her bed, crying. She looks on her abstinence ring, still laying on the floor, and stomps on it.

 

[Webby: "But she then hobbles around in pain, for she was only wearing socks."]

Hersht stares at Gordan's headstone and mouths the word, "Sorry."

 

[Jjs: Is he feeling remorse? So much for him being a bad guy.]

[Webby: "Sorry" is the equivalent of "Oops!" in this situation.]

Arianna throws things across her room.

 

[Jjs: And this was important because...]

Temperance, Brenda, and Tristan are shown, staring at Alexandria and how beautiful a baby she is.

Bryan lays down on his bed, and realizes he really is bottling up his feelings about his dad's death. He starts to cry, a lot.

 

[Webby: That's it, kid. Let it out.]

SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Sandy are flying towards Bikini Top in a rocket.

 

[Webby: ...Dafuq.]

[Jjs: Holy shit, SpongeBob characters exist in this show? They also randomly got a rocket out of nowhere? Why do they need a rocket to go to another part of the ocean? I'm almost curious, but I'm also slightly nervous on where this is going. Thanks for your assistance Webster.]

[Webby: My pleasure. More or less. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll indulge myself in more promising literature than that of Bikini Top.]

 

 

S1E12 (12) - Bikini Bottomites:

 

Spoiler

Previously on Bikini Top... It's revealed that Morgan lost her virginity to a guy she barely knew recently. She calls him, only to find out sex is no big deal to him. When Jake comes to comfort her, they share a kiss, though they don't get back together. At an eventful funeral, Anna and Trey finally get together, as well as Bryan and Temperance. We see Hersht at the funeral, as well as later, mouthing, "Sorry." Bryan and Temperance meet Alexandria, Temperance's new baby sister, whom Brenda just adopted. To Morgan's dismay, Jake is now dating Jackie, the girl he slept with. And in the end, we see Spongebob, Patrick, Squidward, and Sandy landing in Bikini Top in a rocket. What's going on?! Read this revealing episode to find out.

[Jjs: Hey there CNF! Glad you could riff with me. Ready to tackle this devil?]

[CNF: Aye Aye Captain!]

"What is this place?" Patrick asked.

[Jjs: Uh.....FINLAND!]

[CNF: I'm starting to wonder the same thing about this show.]

"It's Bikini Top, you nincompoop," Squidward said. "That small town right next to Coralwood. Ah, Coralwood...." A twinkle is clearly visible in Squidward's eye.

 

[CNF: And you would know the names of these towns how?]

"Oh great," Sandy said. "I let you idiots come with me on business--"

"--and they forced me to come, against my will," Squidward interrupted.

[Jjs: Hooray for hostages!]

[CNF: Good ole SpongeBob and Patrick!]

Sandy cleared her throat. "I let you idiots come with me on business, then when I had to go to the Little Squirrel's Room, I decided to let SpongeBob drive, and we crash in Bikini Top."

[Jjs: Why did you want to use a rocket exactly? And how does it crash in a supposed nearby town? Either you're a terrible driver or they were going on land to visit Bikini Top, because I think it's obvious by now that's where it is.]

[CNF: Why the fuck would you let SpongeBob drive? Have you NEVER SEEN HIM DRIVE A BOATMOBILE BEFORE?!?!]

"I'm sorry Sandy," SpongeBob frowned.

"Aw shucks," Sandy said. "It's okay, SpongeBob."

"Now that we're done with the sweet-ish moment..." Squidward said, "can we find a place to stay? In case you haven't noticed, the ground is covered in snow."

[Jjs: Wait...how did it suddenly snow in Bikini Top?]

[CNF: Great Scott! We went 88mph...to the future!]

"You're right!" Patrick said, and promptly threw a giant snowball right at Squidward's face.

 

[CNF: Take that b!tch!]

"You idiot!" Squidward shrieked.

"SNOWBALL FIGHT!" SpongeBob declared, and started scooping up tons of snowballs.

"Well, this should be fun," Sandy sighed.

[Jjs: Well, that was a load of-HOOPLA! Well, that was a load of-HOOPLA! No really, that was seriously a load of filler. I hope the main SB characters don't get involved in this shitty love drama.]

[CNF: Seeing how the show is going, they probably will.]

(Theme plays)

"Good morning," Jake said cheerfully as he saw Bryan wake up.

"No, it's not a good morning," Bryan said. "Go away."

 

[CNF: U mad bro?]

"What's wrong?" Jake asked.

"What's wrong?" Bryan asked. "In case you haven't noticed, my dad is dead."

[Jjs: No, really? I couldn't tell.]

"Yeah, and I thought you were fine with it," Jake said.

"Yeah, so did I," Bryan said. "But I was wrong. Now leave me the hell alone. It's Sunday, and I want to sleep in."

[Jjs: SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! WILL BRYAN SLEEP IN AND BE LEFT THE HELL ALONE?! FIND OUT ON BIKINI TOP SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!]

~~~

Temperance woke to the sound of a baby crying. Her mother, a heavy sleeper, wasn't woken by it, and Tristan didn't live there. So she had to get Alexandria. But oh well. It's all good. Because she's dating Bryan. Ha! She loves dating Bryan. Last night was the best night of her entire life.

[Jjs: Did they have some sweet Jex?]

[CNF: They jex'd it up all night long.]

She grabbed Alex from her crib, and got her bottle from the fridge. Later, Alex fell asleep again. She decided to call Bryan, and see what's up in her new boyfriend's life.

"Hello?" Bryan said, sounding very serious.

"Hey!" Temperance said. "What's up in Bryan's world?"

 

[CNF: La la la la la la la la Bryan's world!]

"Death." He hung up.

[Jjs: My father died, so leave me the hell alone. I don't want to talk to anybody and I'll be a grumpy dick for the entire day.]

That's strange.... Temperance decided.

[Jjs: You decided that was strange? I think even a five year old could figure out he's upset his dad died. What a girlfriend you are.]

[CNF: It is? I would have never guessed!]

~~~

Morgan woke up, feeling bored, and upset. Jake said he was sick of drama. Well she was sick of the drama too. She didn't need him. She didn't want him. Okay, maybe she wanted him, but whatever.

[Jjs: Like I said: When in doubt, orgy out.]

[CNF: She loves him, she loves him not.]

She could get over him. She just had to try. Maybe a slumber party with the girls would help. She could invite Anna and Naomi, and Bryan's new girlfriend Temperance, and to be nice... Jake's new whore... or, girlfriend, Jackie. It would be fun. She made the phone calls.

[Jjs: Invite the girl who stole your man? That totally won't cause drama.]

[CNF: GIRL FIGHT!]

~~~

It's time for Morgan's slumber party, and Naomi is driving there, and she feels woozy after drinking a few too many, and using her lipstick tube. 

[Jjs: Drinking a few too many what? Sodas? Beers? Diet Dr. Kelps (or Coke considering the land elements)?]

Her boatmobile starts swerving, and she hits a large tree really hard, stopping her boatmobile, and knocking her out.

[Jjs: Remember, don't drink and drive!]

 

~~~

Morgan, Anna, Temperance, and Jackie are sitting there, wondering when Naomi will be arriving at the slumber party.

"Maybe she's not coming," Anna suggested.

[Jjs: She obviously went to party with Hersht in an abyss, for more drugs clearly.]

[CNF: Smoke weed everyday.]

"No," Morgan said. "I know Naomi, and she wouldn't flake like that."

They sat there, waiting, and starting to worry as an hour passes.

[Jjs: Wait a second. Naomi doesn't seem too far away from Morgan's...and if she crashed nearby, why doesn't someone go outside in the streets to check for her? Or even go to her house? HELLO?!]

~~~

SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Sandy were walking by, when they saw what happened to Naomi. They saw her, her boatmobile starting to catch on fire. 

[Jjs: They saw it so good they forgot to put an "and" after that first her.]

She's covered in blood.

[Jjs: No way, really? I thought she'd be covered in gum drops and candy after the car crash!]

[CNF: Is this a spin-off or a gore fest?]

"Oh no!" Patrick shrieks.

 

[CNF: OH YES!]

Sandy and Squidward lift Naomi out of the car, and grab her cell phone as it falls out of her pocket. Her lipstick tube also falls to the ground, cocaine falling all across the ground.

"Not good..." Squidward said.

[Jjs: Oh no, that is good. She crashed into a tree, is bleeding, and was knocked unconscious. How could that not be good?]

[CNF: Don't forget the cocaine spilling out onto the ground.]

Then, Naomi breathed in Squidward's face. Her breath reeked of alcohol.

"Great," Squidward said. "She's drunk, and stoned."

[Jjs: Remember kids: Drugs are bad, mmkay.]

"We need to call an ambulance," Sandy decided, and she did so.

[CNF: You do? The girl is bleeding, drugged and drunk, why WOULDN'T you call an ambulance!]

 

Then, she decided to call the last person that this girl had called. It was a girl named Morgan. She called her.

"Naomi, where the hell are you?" Morgan asked when she answered the phone.

"This is Sandy Cheeks, we found your friend Naomi, she's bleeding and her boatmobile is in flames. We've called an ambulance, and it's on its way, we just thought you might like to know. 

[Jjs: "We just thought you might like to know"? If you know Naomi is Morgan's friend, it's pretty obvious she wants to know.]

[CNF: Nailed it jjs.]

This was the last number she dialed. Oh, and when we found her, she was intoxicated, and under the influence of concaine."

[Jjs: "Concaine"? What is this magic new substance?]

"Oh my, God!" Morgan yelled. "We'll be right at Bikini Top Hospital. Could you describe what you look like, just so I know you when I see you?"

"Well, I'm a squirrel," Sandy said.

"Oh..." Morgan said. "So I guess you won't be too hard to find."

[Jjs: No, she will be hard to find. This show apparently takes place on land considering all the reasons in the past episodes, so squirrels should be everywhere!]

~~~

"Bryan, Naomi is in the hospital," Jake said. "We have to go and see if she's okay."

 

[CNF: If Morgan and Jackie are going to see her too...oh boy, I have to see that.]

"Why should I?" Bryan said.

[Jjs: Yeah, give a shit about your dad being in the hospital, but not your ex-girlfriend.]

"Well, she's our friend and your ex-girlfriend, who I know you still care about, even if you are going out with Temperance now," Jake said.

"Yes, of course I still care about her..." Bryan sighed.

[Jjs: You know you're failing when Tommy Wiseau could have said that with more emotion than you.]

"So are you coming or not, Sir Dread?" Jake asked.

[Jjs: Sir Dread? What is this, Dungeons & Dragons?]

[CNF: I'd rather watch that than read this pile of shit.]

"Meh, I don't think so..." Bryan said. "Tell me how she is later."

[Jjs: Nah, I don't want to go visit an ex-girlfriend of mine who just crashed into a tree after drunk driving and use of drugs. I don't care if she was bleeding or unconscious, tell me how she is later!]

"No!" Jake said. " You're my foster-brother, and I really don't like seeing you like this. I'm getting my parents, and we're going to get you a therapist."

[Jjs: Get him the best therapist around: Dr. Peter Lankton!]

[CNF: Did they actually adopt him? Call the government!]

"No way in hell, Jake," Bryan said.

"Then all you need to do is come with me to the hospital to see how Naomi is doing," Jake said. "I've been with you all day, hoping you'll cheer up, and you haven't even gotten out of bed. I've been bringing meals up to you. And you haven't showered. You literally stink. So get up!"

[Jjs: You want to cheer him up, so you tell him he stinks like a pig. That'll get him to come.]

"Fine," Bryan said.

"Now take a quick shower, and we're going to the hospital," Jake said.

[Jjs: Take a quick shower and then go to the hospital? I get hygiene is important, but come on. If a family relative or friend of yours ended up in the hospital, wouldn't you want to go visit them right away?]

[CNF: Shower and then go see a girl with a life-threatening issue? Alrighty then...]

~~~

("Shut Up And Drive" by Rihanna plays)

[Jjs: You tell them Rihanna, they need to shut up and go to the hospital right away!]

[CNF: I see Rihanna still has that underwater career.]

Morgan, Anna, Temperance, and Jackie are on their way to the hospital.

"How did she crash her car?" Anna asked.

[Jjs: Didn't Sandy already establish that? She told you guys "she was intoxicated, and under the influence of concaine". I think it's pretty obvious she was drunk driving. Do these people not know how to use common sense? Don't worry, I've got something that will help them with that!]

"She was drunk, and she was on cocaine!" Morgan yelled. "My best friend, the druggie."

[Jjs: Is it concaine or cocaine? And wow, great support for your friend who could very well die.]

"Don't say that, Morgan," Temperance said.

"Yeah, she's your BFF," Jackie said.

 

[CNF: You go girls, tell that b!tch what's up!]

"You two shut up, I barely know who you are," Morgan said. "I don't even know your last names."

 

[CNF: That's a great way to start a friendship with them]

"Simmera," Temperance said.

"Nelson," Jackie said.

The two shared a fist bump.

"So, did you know she was using?" Anna asked.

[Jjs: Morgan's sentence above implies she didn't know for sure, so why are you asking again? Seriously, do these people have huge memory loss problems?]

"Of course I suspected," Morgan replied. "I mean, she was always so out of it. I always caught her putting eyedrops in her eyes. Her eyes were always bloodshot...."

"Why are you saying 'were?'" Temperance said. "Naomi is still alive, you know. She's not dead. And since she is using drugs, what she needs right now is friends, to help her stop."

"Why do you think she started using?" Jackie asked.

"Her mom was a raging lunatic," Morgan said. "Well, not a lunatic. But as Naomi said, 'She's desperate to be Dina Lohan, 

[Jjs: She wants to be an on land celebrity? Man, fish and humans have interacted a lot more than I thought!]

and made her suffer for every moment that she's not.' Her mom wanted to be Naomi to be a star, because she wanted to be a star. And Naomi was stressed to the max. I think the family was having some money troubles."

 

[CNF: "Her mom wanted to be Naomi to be a star because she wanted to be a star." Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it?]

"That could cause her to turn to drugs..." Jackie said. "My aunt, she developed an addiction to PHP. She OD'd, and it killed her."

[Jjs: Oh, thanks for telling us another out of nowhere backstory.]

"Oh," Morgan said. "I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah, we were pretty close," Jackie said. "Her and my uncle got divorced, and she turned to PHP. She used it whenever she possibly could. My mom noticed, and she tried to get her to stop. It didn't work. My aunt only got angry at my mom, her sister. I tried talking to her, and... she abused me. So I stayed away from her. Two months later, she died."

[Jjs: Does Bikini Top have some parent drama issues curse or what?]

[CNF: Screw the Teen Help programs, what we really need in this town is Adult Help programs! (And may I ask what kind of abuse she was put through?)]

 

"That sucks..." Morgan said.

"Yeah, thanks..." Jackie said.

"Um... Jackie, I have to say something," Morgan said.

"What?" Jackie said.

"I kinda hated you," Morgan announced.

[Jjs: Hey, I just told a sad story about my aunt who did drugs, and I'd like to say I hate you. That'll cheer her up!]

[CNF:  ]

 

"Uh.... What do you mean?" Jackie asked.

("Shut Up And Drive" stops playing)

[Jjs: Man, this show really stretches these songs on for a long period of time. Are they getting remixes like Webby predicted?]

[CNF: They played the song for that long? Jesus christ 70s.]

"Well, as you know, me and Jake were going out when you and Jake... well, you know," Morgan said.

[Jjs: Aka, more love drama.]

"Oh, Morgan..." Jackie said. "I'm not some slut. I didn't know Jake had a girlfriend. He started flirting with me, and we wound up in bed. I regret it, a lot. Sometimes I cried myself to sleep because of it. But now, I feel like it's okay, because me and Jake are in a meaningful relationship. But, he told me about the two of you and everything that happened, and everything that us having sex had caused. 

[Jjs: That's about the 4,000th time they didn't call sex Jex.]

[CNF: I wanna see some on-screen jex dammit.]

He just told me last night. I honestly had no idea, Morgan. If I did know, I wouldn't have slept with Jake. I'm not the Anti-Christ, just a stupid, confused little sophmore."

[Jjs: What's a Sophmore? Did Sophomores get renamed? Just remove an o and you can invent one new word!]

"I know that now," Morgan said. "It's okay. I totally forgive you. I even think we can be friends."

"Really?" Jackie asked with a smile.

"Of course," Morgan said. "You know... you're pretty cool, Nelson."

"Thanks," Jackie grinned widely. "I'd love to be friends with you, Morgan."

[Jjs: Aww, one love drama plot solved. One down, 20 more to go!]

"Now there are three friends in the boatmobile..." Temperance said. "Am I accepted into this little group, or is Bryan's girlfriend gonna be shunned?"

[Jjs: Wait, who is driving the boatmobile again...?]

[CNF: I honestly thought they were at the hospital already. Mind=fucked.]

"Of course you're not gonna be shunned," Anna said. "We're all friends here, right?"

"Right," Jackie said. "Now can we hurry up? I'd like to see if our fifth friend is okay."

~~~

SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Sandy were in a taxi, following the ambulance to Bikini Top Hospital.

"So, how are we going to get to Science Bottom?" Sandy asked.

[Jjs: Science Bottom? Let me guess...do they have science conventions there?]

[CNF: Real original, 70s. Let me guess, there's a Movie Bottom too?]

"Excuse me, Sandy," Squidward said. "But shouldn't our first priority be to get back to Bikini Bottom?"

"I reckon you're right, Squidward," Sandy said. "But for now, we do need to see if this Naomi girl will be okay."

"Why do we care?" Squidward asked.

[Jjs: Why is Squidward so unlikable in this show? Seriously, he's even more of a douche than his regular self.]

"Because we're not all heartless monsters like you, Squidward," Sandy said.

[Jjs: YOU HEARTLESS MONSTER! YOU VILE FIEND!]

"Right!" SpongeBob and Patrick said in unison. Then, their hearts started visibly pounding, and SpongeBob ripped his out of his chest to show Squidward.

 

[CNF: Again, spin-off, or gore fest?]

"Oh, DISGUSTING!" Squidward yelled.

"Sorry..." SpongeBob said, and put his heart back in.

[Jjs: Remind me, was that supposed to be funny?]

[CNF: This show isn't funny period. How the fuck does it have over 7,000 views?]

"Here we are," Sandy said. She paid the taxi driver, and the four of them got out of the car, and ran into Bikini Top Hospital.

"You must be Sandy," Morgan said as soon as they walked in.

"Yep," Sandy said, and the two shook hands.

"How is she?" Squidward asked.

"They said she'll pull through," Anna replied. "Comatose, though."

"Great..." Patrick said, beginning to feel depressed. He sat down, and started slumping down in a chair, frowning.

"It's okay, Pat," SpongeBob said. "She's gonna be okay."

"Why are you so depressed about a person you don't even know?" Squidward asked.

[Jjs: Wouldn't you feel bad if some random person got into an accident? It's at least a good deed to help and support them since you were in their presence during the accident.]

"Because apparently, he's not a heartless assface like a certain octopus I'm looking at..." Temperance said.

[Jjs: Ohhh, Assface the Octopus! Haha, that totally got him.]

[CNF: Oooooooh. Burn.]

"HA!" Sandy said. She turned to Temperance and said, "I like you, kid."

"Thanks," Temperance said, and her and Sandy shook hands.

~~~

"We should stop at Trey's house," Bryan said as he and Jake were driving to the hospital.

 

[CNF: I just realized Trey has been absent for most of this episode. Great work 70s.]

"Yeah, you're right," Jake said.

They picked him up.

"Where we goin'?" Trey asked casually.

"The hospital," Jake said.

"Um... what?!" Trey said.

 

[Jjs: Someone's in the hospital, so let's fool around and play 20 questions!]

~~~

Hersht was laying down in his abyss, crying. Why did it have to be this way? Why did he have to kill that stupid police officer? It was killing him. 

[Jjs: Um...maybe because he was trying to not get arrested?]

But his superiors... they practically owned him. They would kill him if he didn't follow orders. First, they made him start selling drugs. Then they made him throw a boulder at some random guy. Then they made him tear down the Bikini Top Bridge. And then... shoot Gordan Errin. Why? WHY?! He felt like a monster. Damn it, he was a monster.

[Jjs: Oh hey, could it be? This show finally explained why those abnormal things happened in the past episodes? Too bad there's still barely any reasoning. Who does Hersht work for? Why is he working for them? Why are they making people miserable? It seems like when this show takes two steps forward to answer something, it takes two more steps back.]

~~~

Bryan, Jake, and Trey arrived at the hospital, to see Morgan, Anna, Temperance, Jackie, SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Sandy there.

Morgan quickly explained everything.

[Jjs: Whoa, that was some fast explaining.]

[CNF: 5 minutes later...]

"I knew..." Bryan said.

"What?" Morgan asked, not believing what he had said.

"It's why we broke up," Bryan explained. "I found this tube full of coke, and confronted her. She told me not to tell anyone."

"And since you listened to her, she's in a coma right now!" Morgan yelled. "Screw you, Bryan!" She stomped on his foot, and walked to the other side of the lobby.

[Jjs: So it's his fault Naomi chose to be a drug addict. I love being blamed as the cause of a girl doing drugs when it was her choice to begin with.]

[CNF: "Screw you" More jex puns.]

Jackie started to look anxious. "Hey, Jake, can we talk?" she asked.

"Sure..." he said. She led him outside the hospital doors. "Um, what's so important we have to stand out here in the cold?" he said, starting to become nervous.

"Jake, I'm pregnant," she said.

[Jjs: Ha, well, one of them is becoming a dad. Too bad this episode sucked just like the other eleven. Even when 70s tried putting SpongeBob characters in the show for once, he just messed them up badly. Seriously, Squidward was just a dick for the sake of being a dick. And the reveal at the end was just unnecessary for the sake of having more love drama. Well CNF, thanks for guest riffing. I wonder how much more of this my body can take. *sigh*]

[CNF: What a cliffhanger. I need to see where this ends up. And no problem jjs, I salute you for going through this hell of a show at all. This show should be left to die and locked up so only the devil may read it. And I just can't end this without doing one thing:

]

 

[So Sejima]

VISIT SCIENCE BOTTOM, SCIENCE TOP, MOVIE BOTTOM, AND MOVIE TOP TODAY!

[Metal Snake]

Bikini Top= The My Immortal of Spongebob Community fanfiction.

[Wumbo]

I hope you're not referencing the Evanescence song because that shit is awesome.

[Metal Snake]

I hope you're not referencing the Evanescence song because that shit is awesome.

 

No, I was talking about this.

 

http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/my-immortal-the-worst-fanfiction-ever

 

I'm a trollfic nut, remember?

[box]

It's simply great to see everyone riffing on the horrible mutated monster that is Temperance's Bikini Top.

[Jjs Goodman]

Here's the first new episode of today...with a surprise guest!

 

Bikini Top - Season 1

S1E1 (1) - Pilot

S1E2 (2) - Jex

S1E3 (3) - Trapped

S1E4 (4) - Crushed

S1E5 (5) - Memories and Repercussions

S1E6 (6) - Arianna and Naomi 

S1E7 (7) - Things Get Musical

S1E8 (8) - Bad News Brenda 

S1E9 (9) - Turn of Events

S1E10 (10) - Auditions

S1E11 (11) - Funeral

S1E12 (12) - Bikini Bottomites

 

S1E13 (13) - Not a Winter Wonderland:

 

Spoiler

Previously on Bikini Top... Bikini Bottomites are in Bikini Top! Hersht feels guilty for what he's done, but he has no choice. Naomi wrecks her boatmobile while high and drunk, but the Bikini Bottomites take her to the hospital, where she slips into a coma. Morgan blames Bryan. Morgan and Jackie are friends. Which is a good thing... because Jackie announces that she's got a bun in the oven!

 

[Jjs: Welcome Hayden, to the Riffing Theater. Can you survive this episode with me?]

[Hayden: If the past 12 chapters of this abomination are any indication....probably not.]

 

Bryan wakes up. He feels good. It's a Friday.

 

[Jjs: It's Friday, Friday, gotta get down on Friday.]

[Hayden: Everybody's looking forward to this show's cancellation, cancellation!]

 

It's been about a week since the whole Naomi incident, and Jake has been distant, along with Morgan completely avoiding him.

 

[Jjs: Speaking of Jake...did they drop Jackie's pregnancy plot or what?]

[Hayden: I wish I could say I cared if that was the case.]

 

But him and Temperance have been together a lot lately. They see each other all the time, do a little kissing... it's pretty great.

 

[Jjs: And a little bit of Jex, I bet.]

[Hayden: 70s isn't getting much Jex of his own, he can't write a compelling relationship to save his fake wife's life. Seriously, all he's done so far is slap characters together and have them make-out. How very deep and profound.]

 

And today is the last day of school before Christmas Break. Bryan loves Christmas. But, who doesn't, right?

 

[Jjs: Uh, people who don't celebrate Christmas, maybe?]

[Hayden: Us Atheists happen to prefer Atheistmas, thank you very much.]

 

Too bad that Bryan's Christmas of 2009 won't be so wonderful.

 

(Theme plays)

Morgan's sitting there, right next to Naomi's hospital bed, dressed and ready for school. If she's gonna make it, she's gonna have to leave soon. What upsets her the most is that Veera hasn't come once to visit her daughter. It was sickening. Naomi was in a coma and her own mother wasn't even coming to see her.

 

[Jjs: Maybe she's being a secret agent that saves the world like with Morgan's parents.]

[Hayden: Hey now, just a tiny little coma, should heal in a few days. Besides, Veera's off trying to win the best parent of the year award, though she's bound for failure if Zoe's running, letting strangers adopt your kid and not helping your son through his father's death just plain take the cake.]

 

It totally blew her mind. It was crazy. But, Morgan couldn't wrap her mind around it because she knew her parents wanted her. They adopted her. They chose her. But maybe Naomi didn't feel that way. Maybe, just maybe, Morgan thought, that's why she used cocaine. But she should have come to Morgan to talk, to prevent all this from happening. Of course, she did tell Bryan, but what's he good for? Suddenly, her phone was ringing. It was Jackie.

"Hello?" Morgan said.

"Hey, Morgan," Jackie said.

"What's up?" Morgan asked.

"I need a ride to school," Jackie said. "Pick me up?"

 

[Jjs: So...did Jackie completely forget she was pregnant?]

[Hayden: Patience jjs, I'm sure we'll get back to that obnoxious cliffhanger.....eventually.]

 

"On my way," Morgan replied. Little did Morgan know that Jackie was about to drop a bomb on her that could potentially end their budding friendship.

 

[Jjs: A bomb? Jackie's a terrorist now? I better call the navy!]

[Hayden: Well that would certainly make her character more worth watching than the pregnant girl roadblock for Morgan and Jake role she has going on right now.]

 

~

A million thoughts were going through Jake's head. But mostly- How in the hell could this happen to him? He wore protection. He should have made sure she was on the pill.

 

[Jjs: His Jondom probably broke. And apparently they have birth control pills underwater too!]

[Hayden: Meh, I'll buy it, the thing I can't wrap my head around though is how Jackie's going to know when her water breaks.]

 

But no, no questions, they barely said five sentences to each other before taking their clothes off.

 

[Jjs: I THOUGHT THIS WAS A KIDS' SHOW?!]

[Hayden: Poppycock, no kid would willingly sit through this.]

 

And now, she was carrying his child. Should he tell someone? What were they going to do? Keep it? Put it up for adoption? It was too late in the game for abortion, so that wasn't on the table, not that he'd even consider that.

 

[Jjs: Oh, abortion jokes, that's the way to go. Maybe he shouldn't have just been hungry for sex (hey, if they aren't going to say Jex, I'll stop too) to begin with.]

[Hayden: So why wouldn't he consider that? A fish fetus isn't even a human!]

 

And all this just made him hate himself even more for cheating on Morgan. He was the scum of the sea. He deserved to be left on the surface to die. He got a girl pregnant, while he was dating another girl. How great is that. He flashed back to that night, six days ago.

 

[Jjs: And to show what a piece of shit he is, here's another flashback.]

[Hayden: I still don't see why we couldn't have just picked up right here at the beginning of the chapter. I guess unnecessary time skips take precedent.]

 

"I'm pregnant," Jackie said, and leaned on her boyfriend's shoulder.

"What?" Jake asked, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he had misunderstood what she was trying to say.

 

[Jjs: What else could she have possibly said? "I'm segment"? Even that doesn't make sense.]

[Hayden: Maybe he thought he heard her say she was an egg plant?]

 

"I'm pregnant," Jackie said.

"What?" Jake repeated.

"I'm having a baby. Your baby," Jackie explained

"You can't be serious," Jake said.

Then, Jackie lifted up her shirt to reveal a bloated stomach, obviously a baby bump, well hidden by her heavy winter jacket.

"Oh..." Jake said. He then threw up on the ground.

 

"Oh. Great," Jackie said, and started to wipe away tears from her face.

 

[Jjs: Ah, so you puke when you discover your girl is pregnant. That's a great way to support her.]

[Hayden: So he didn't notice this before at the funeral? Really?]

"Why are you crying?" Jake said.

"Because, 1, you just puked when I told you I'm expecting you're child," she said. "And, 2, I am Hormone Central right now, so excuse me if I'm also Miss Moodswing."

"Okay... have you told your parents?" Jake asked, desperate to change the subject.

"Of course not," she said. "I don't know what to do."

Jake wrapped his arms around her. "Shh. It's all gonna be okay. We'll figure out what to do," he assured her.

 

[Jjs: And that kids is why you don't have sex until after marriage.]

[Hayden: And that kids is why you should have as much sex as possible with multiple women before one of them turns out to be pregnant and you're trapped in a marriage.]

It was surreal. He didn't know if he was ecstatic, or terrified. His child was growing inside of her. He was seventeen, and soon, he was going to be a father. He did the math in his head, and calculated that she is... four months pregnant.

 

[Jjs: Wait...he got her pregnant four months ago? There's no way it was that long of a time ago, because Jake and Jackie just hooked up a few episodes ago. Man, the Plot Hole Police might have to arrest this show again soon...]

[Hayden: Nah, they did it back in August on the beach, but that was as much of an ass pull as the whole kissing Temperance thing.]

[Jjs: Thanks for clearing that up, Hayden. 70s' writing is so vague and all over the place that it's hard to tell, unless time really flies in this show.]

 

From what he knew, most pregnancies last for about nine months,

 

[Jjs: What, did he just get out of Health/Sex Ed class?]

[Hayden: I'm surprised he knew that much to be honest.]

 

giving him just five months to prepare for fatherhood. What was he gonna do? This was the biggest, worst thing that had ever happened to him.

 

[Jjs: I swear Jake, you are becoming the most grating character in this show.]

[Hayden: You see, it's ironic because this was probably the same thing Jake's father was thinking when Jake was on the way.....and then he was right.]

 

But then, it hit him. Why was it a bad thing? He was going to be a father! A father, for the love of God. That's not a curse. Fatherhood is a blessing. And after everything he'd been through all year,

 

[Jjs: Wow, apparently Jake got so happy that he forgot to finish the last sentence!]

[Hayden: If the end of that sentence was as cliche as the rest, then I wouldn't have finished it either.]

 

~~~

Morgan pulled in front of Jackie's house, and Jackie immediately ran into the car,

 

[Jjs: Boatmobiles are sad again.]

[Hayden: What was the point of having this take place underwater again?]

 

looking very anxious. Morgan wondered what was going on.

"Hey," Morgan said. "Are you okay?"

"No," Jackie said. "Not at all, actually."

"Why?" Morgan asked.

"I... um... have something to tell you."

"What is it?"

"I'm carrying your ex-boyfriend's baby."

 

[Jjs: Cue bitch fight a couple scenes later.]

[Hayden: You can't hit a pregnant lady, so Morgan's out of luck.]

 

~~~

Anna was getting ready for school. On Monday she had come back after suspension.

 

[Jjs: That was a fast two weeks. It was as fast as the supposed four mouths this whole show has been taking place.]

[Hayden: Nothing in this show has been relevant.]

 

Arianna had left her alone, and that's how she liked it. During suspension, she got great at singing. When she saw that she had a few minutes to spare, she started singing "Fireflies" by Owl City.

 

[Jjs: So she magically gained the gift of singing and began singing another land song. Owl City, why did you jump underwater too?!]

[Hayden: It's all in the fins my dear boy. And it's the only gig they could land.]

 

She gets about halfway through the song when Trey climbs through her window, and touches her shoulder. She jumps, and he laughs. She slaps him playfully.

 

[Jjs: Oh, Trey exists. I forgot he was a character, since he pretty much disappeared in episode 12 and most of this episode.]

[Hayden: He's not important anymore now that Anna and Arianna aren't fighting.]

 

"You're great," Trey said. "I didn't know you could sing."

"You call that singing?" Anna said. "I suck."

"No, you don't," Trey assured her. "Finish the song."

"No," she said. "You don't have to listen to me sing."

"I want to," he said, and he kissed her.

"Fine," she said. She finished the song.

 

[Jjs: And we didn't even get to hear it!]

[Hayden: That's how you can tell it was great.]

 

Trey clapped. "Amazing," he said. "We need to tell everyone how good you are at singing. You, Morgan, and Naomi could all sing together. You could start a band!"

"No," she said. "No, no, no, no, no."

 

[Jjs: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.]

"Why?" Trey asked.

"Singing was just... something I did to stop myself from dying of boredom while I was suspended. Just a little hobby, 'Fireflies' was probably the last song I'll ever sing," she said.

 

[Jjs: It's technically the first song we've ever heard you sing, too. So you had a short-lived career there.]

[Hayden: It's better she stops here before the inevitable disappointment.]

 

"It can't be," Trey said. "If it makes you feel better, I'll sing a song with you."

Anna laughed. "Right now?"

"Right now," Trey said.

"Okay, you start," Anna said.

"What if you don't know the words?" Trey asked.

"Don't worry," Anna said. "I'll know the words."

Trey starts singing "Light On" by David Cook. Anna sings along. Both of them laugh when the song is over, and share a passionate kiss. Then, they realize that they're going to be late for school if they don't hurry, so Trey gives Anna a ride to school.

 

[Jjs: Wow, they decide to sing a song before worrying about going to school. And what did Trey give Anna a ride to school in? A car? A boatmobile? A seahorse? A plane?]

[Hayden: Ugh finally, Troy and Gabriella shut up and stopped singing songs I've never heard of. The last thing this needs to turn into is High School Musical.]

 

~~~

"You can't be pregnant, Jackie," Morgan said.

 

[Jjs: But she kind of already is.]

[Hayden: It's a conspiracy.]

 

"Well, I am," Jackie said. "So I'm going to have to quit Cheerleading. And my mom and dad will probably kick me out. Where am I supposed to go then? And I know it would be practical to give the baby up for adoption, but I just don't think I can do that. I think I need to keep him or her."

"I'm so sorry this is happening to you," Morgan said.

"Yeah..." Jackie said, and started to cry.

"It's gonna be okay," Morgan assured her. "And if worst comes to worst and your parents do kick you out when you tell them, you're more than welcome to stay with me at my house."

 

[Jjs: And so, here comes another moving in plot.]

[Hayden: Maybe Jackie can have her own pair of foster parents too.]

 

"Really?" Jackie asked, wiping away the tears.

"Really," Morgan said.

"Thank you so much," Jackie said.

"Who have you told?" Morgan asked.

 

[Jjs: Everyone in the world.]

"Just you and Jake," Jackie replied.

"Oh," Morgan said. "One more thing, though."

"What?" Jackie asked.

"You're not gonna be able to hide this much longer," Morgan said. "So after school today, me, you, and Jake are going to your house, and you have to tell your parents."

 

[Jjs: That totally helps the situation.]

[Hayden: The sooner she's homeless the better, it's all a part of Morgan's evil scheme for revenge.]

 

Morgan, no," Jackie started to cry again.

Morgan held her hand and said, "Yes. Jackie, we have to. I'm sure it'll be okay."

 

[Jjs: It won't be okay if she's going to get potentially kicked out of her own house...]

[Hayden: What could possibly go wrong?]

 

~~~

Hersht knew that he had a beating coming. His superiors had told him to set fire to the Errin household, the home of the man he had killed. He hadn't done it. So one of his superiors must be coming. And suddenly, there stood Astenias Jurientia.

 

[Jjs: Astenias Jurientia? Try saying that seven times fast. But let me guess, he won't get any backstory or development either.]

[Hayden: No, don't worry, he will. We'll learn that he's just being bullied by other superiors into making Hersht set the fire in a lame attempt to humanize the character.]

 

"Hello, Mr. Gables," Astenias said, and punched Hersht right across the face before he could even raise his hand to say hello. "Now, we gave you a job, you must fulfill it."

 

[Jjs: Hello, and let me punch you right in the face because you fucked up your job.]

[Hayden: Burning down the house of an already dead man sounds like a very significant job.]

 

"No," Hersht said. "I'm sick of this."

"Excuse me!" Astenias said, and he pushed Hersht down, and kicked him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. "Now, we gave you a job. If you value your life, you will not fail to fulfill it. You have one more chance."

 

[Jjs: Astenias in a nutshell: Haha, I am very evil, and I have been doing the bad things in Bikini Top for no given reason! Yeah, if this Astenias guy is the Big Bad, I'm not really impressed. No backstory, comes out of nowhere, same reasons as the other undeveloped characters like the Bland Love Interests.]

[Hayden: Psh, if this guy was a real badass he'd start trying to kill innocent children like the ones in our story for no good reason.]

 

NO!" Hersht shouted.

Astenias pounced, and he and Hersht were fighting fiercely.

Suddenly, a sexy girl with curly brown hair and splitting brown eyes came down. "Leave," she hissed.

 

[Jjs: Speaking of Bland Love Interests and undeveloped characters...]

[Hayden: She's sexy and she knows it.]

"And who in the hell are you?" Astenias asked mockingly.

"Jordin," the girl said. "Jordin Blake. Now I ask you to leave, or my family can join us."

 

[Jjs: Hi, I'm Jordin. You don't know me, I randomly came to your hideout out of nowhere, and I command you to leave.]

[Hayden: Sounds legit. I hope her family is just as messed up as everyone else's.]

 

"Fine," Astenias said. "I suppose I'll have to do the job myself."

"NO!!!!!!!!" Hersht yelled, but Astenias had already jumped out of the abyss.

 

[Jjs: Man, he can jump pretty fucking high out of an abyss.]

[Hayden: Not as high as 70s when he was writing those last few paragraphs.]

 

~

Last class of the day. The clock was ticking. Bryan started tapping his foot in anticipation. Mrs. Miera continued her lecture on Albert Fishstein and the advances he made in science.

 

[Jjs: Albert Fishstein? Please, tell me more creative fishy name puns you have!]

[Hayden: So celebrity and singer names can be kept the same, but historical figures need to have shitty nicknames.]

 

Oh, he's so important, blah blah blah. The dude is dead, lady, shut up about him.

 

[Jjs: Oh, so this dude did a lot for science, but screw him, because he's dead.]

[Hayden: Yeah, screw you, Gordan. Your death renders every contribution you ever made to society null and void.]

 

He sat in class, practically falling asleep, when the bell finally rang. School's out. WOOOOOO! 2 whole weeks of no school. Awesome.

 

[Jjs: Man, he seems so enthusiastic to celebrate his winter break with no dad.]

[Hayden: There's no better way to spend the holidays than with your douche friend's family lamenting your dead father.]

 

And he just had to go by his old house to get his stuff and prepare the house so he can sell it.

~~~

Bryan arrived at his house, ready to prepare the house.

 

[Jjs: Redundancy of Redundancy Department would like to have a word with you Bryan in that house which is a house on the street on this block, in this town.]

[Hayden: What? He didn't think to do this a little earlier?]

 

When he arrived, he saw his house on fire.

 

[Jjs: I thought he was already at his house. The redundancy in this show is killing me.]

[Hayden: What a crazy twist. The day he goes back, some fish is randomly burning his underwater home down for no intelligent reason.]

 

He screamed. He saw an old fish with wavy white hair and blood-red eyes running from the house. Arson. What in the hell was going on, and why did everything happen to him?

 

[Jjs: What's going is a bunch of uninteresting and random villains are trying to make everyone in Bikini Top miserable for no given reasons. Oh, I wasn't supposed to tell him that? My bad.]

[Hayden: Poor poor Bryan, the target of such nautical nonsense.]

 

He got the feeling that there was more to the story about his father's death. And he was determined to get to the bottom of it, no matter what. Hopefully his friends could help.

~~~

"So, when we went to see that Naomi girl today she looked like she was getting better," Sandy said. "Maybe we can get to Science Bottom after Christmas.

 

[Jjs: Unoriginal Name Bottom is more like it.]

[Hayden: Dumbest trip ever. And they've stayed there an entire week because?]

 

"No," SpongeBob said.

"What?" Sandy asked.

"I like it here," SpongeBob said. "We're staying in Bikini Top."

 

[Jjs: Well there went SpongeBob's pineapple, his job at the Krusty Krab, Gary, and basically everything he loved in Bikini Bottom.]

[Hayden: Since when the hell is SpongeBob the boss of where they do or don't stay?]

 

"He's right," Squidward said. "This place is great. They offer music lessons here, and when I'm done with them, I can go to Coralwood, and I might get my big break!"

 

"And, I can get a job at the Smoothie Shack!" SpongeBob said. "Smoothies are the new Krabby Patty!"

 

[Jjs: Haha, even he admits smoothies are overused in this show.]

[Hayden: Maybe SpongeBob can fall in love with a smoothie too.]

 

"And I like it here!" Patrick said.

"Why?" Sandy asked.

"I don't know!" Patrick said. "Um... because I... can get a job at the Smoothie Shack. Smoothies are the new Krabby Patty!"

 

[Jjs: I call plagiarism!]

[Hayden: Patrick's reasoning is so far on the same level as everyone else's.]

 

"Patrick," Squidward said, "that's the reason SpongeBob wants to stay."

"I'm still getting a job there..." Patrick said.

"Can we stay, Sandy?" Patrick asked. "Please?"

"Please?" SpongeBob asked.

"Please?" Squidward asked.

 

[Jjs: Pretty please with sugar on top?]

"Fine," Sandy said. "I'd like to be the new Science teacher at Bikini Top High School."

"Woohoo!" SpongeBob and Patrick said, and jumped for joy.

 

[Jjs: So...they all decide to abandon everything they loved and spent years doing in Bikini Bottom. Are we sure these are the real SpongeBob characters?]

[Hayden: Don't be absurd. Of course they are. Would 70s really distort the true characteristics of these characters just to shove them into a story where they don't belong? Let's be real here.]

 

"Yippee," Squidward said, almost robotically.

 

[Jjs: Well, at least Squidward isn't a douche again.]

[Hayden: Maybe because he was kidnapped less in this chapter.]

 

~~~

Morgan, Jake, Anna, and Trey were all visiting Naomi together. Jake, Anna, and Trey were trying to talk some sense into Morgan about the whole Bryan thing.

"He didn't know it would come to this," Anna said.

"That doesn't excuse him not telling us," Morgan said. "It's totally irresponsible, and when he didn't tell us, he was being a horrible friend to us, and to Naomi. It was his duty to her to tell us so it didn't come to this. He could have prevented this entire debacle."

 

[Jjs: Maybe it's Naomi's fault for being a drug addict to begin with? Don't blame poor Bryan!]

[Hayden: He took her cocaine, what more could he have done for such a wretched disaster of a girlfriend?]

 

"He was only doing what Naomi asked him to do," Trey said. "That's not being a horrible friend. That's being a good one, and respecting Naomi's wishes."

"Whatever..." Morgan said. To prevent anyone from saying anything else, she sang "Jingle Bell Rock" to Naomi, who was still in a coma. When she was done, her and her friends, joined hands, most of them crying a little bit, and sang "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland" together.

 

[Jjs: Christmas carols underwater, woo!]

[Hayden: That segment totally wasn't a waste of time.]

 

Morgan looked at her watch, and realized it was time to go to Jackie's house with Jake, and tell her parents about her pregnancy. Everyone said bye, and she and Jake got in the car,

 

[Jjs: Man, the boatmobiles are questioning their place in this show.]

[Hayden: 70s’ consistency is one of my favorite parts of this.]

 

neither ready to do what it is they were about to do. They were both extremely nervous. They knocked on the door, and Jackie's dad Michael opened the door. He invited the two of them in, knowing they were 'friends of Jackie.' They went up to Jackie's room, where they saw her, laying on her bed, bawling her eyes out.

 

[Jjs: Let me guess, will Jackie's parents have some dark backstory too?]

[Hayden: Nah, they'll just be judgmental pricks.]

 

"Hey, Jackie," Morgan said.

"I'm ready," Jackie said, actually sounding confident.

"Are you sure?" Jake asked her.

Jackie didn't answer. She just walked down the stairs, and her friends followed her. Her mother and father were sitting on the couch together, watching TV.

"Mom, Dad," Jackie said, "there's something I want to tell you."

"What?" Jackie's mom, Sarah, asked.

"I'm pregnant," Jackie said. "And Jake is the father."

 

[Jjs: DUN DUN DUN]

[Hayden: NUD NUD NUD]

 

"You must be kidding," Michael said. "That just can't be. You're my little girl, not some two cent whore. You aren't having sex."

 

[Jjs: But she already did, pal.]

[Hayden: Having sex with one guy equates to two cent whore.]

 

"I had sex once, and here it is..." Jackie said, and showed her mother and father her baby bump.

Sarah started to tear up. "Judging by the size of the bump, I'm guessing it's too late for an abortion."

 

[Jjs: Here, let me play a sad song for ya on the world's smallest violin!]

[Hayden: OH THE HORROR, if only adoption was still an option.]

 

"Even if it wasn't, I wouldn't kill my child," Jackie said. "That's just so... wrong."

"Well if it's too late for an abortion, I want you out of my house. Now," Michael said. "I don't want some pregnant slut living under my roof."

 

[Jjs: Hey daddy, I got pregnant, and now you're treating me like garbage. That sums up that scene in a nutshell. What a great dad Jackie has.]

[Hayden: Just like all the other great parents we've seen so far. I wonder how 70s feels about his own parental units.]

 

"So you're kicking me out because I'm not your little girl anymore?" Jackie yelled. "You're kicking me out because I made one mistake? Because I had sex once and was so unlucky that I got pregnant from just that one time having sex? Well that's really great parenting, Dad."

 

[Jjs: You tell him girl.]

[Hayden: Oh snap! Shit's about to get real-ly dumb.]

 

"You shut the hell up right now," Michael said.

"You can't talk to her like that," Morgan said.

"You shut up," Michael said. "I'm sure you're some sort of hoe as well."

 

[Jjs: So, I'm guessing Michael is just a douche. Is there ONE parent in this show that doesn't have some twisted past or some other cruel things related to them?!]

[Hayden: Morgan's one hell of a gardening tool.]

 

"Hey!" Jake yelled.

"Out of my house, ALL OF YOU!" Michael yelled.

 

[Jjs: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!]

[Hayden: AND DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TOUCHING MY LAWN ON YOUR WAY OUT, YOU MIGHT INFECT IT WITH YOUR STD'S AND NEW AGE POP MUSIC.]

 

"Mrs. Filmore, can't you do something?" Morgan cried.

"No," Jackie said. "She won't even bother. She's too worried that it could ruin the perfect little world she lived in. The fake little world where there are no problems."

 

[Jjs: Welcome to Perfect Land! Where there's no parent drama, crappy love triangles, and terrible plot holes at every corner!]

[Hayden: A dream come true I must say.]

 

Sarah just sat there, while her daughter cried her eyes out, pleading for her mother to do something.

"Dad, all I need right now is my Daddy's love," Jackie said. "I need you to hug me, and hold me, and tell me that everything is going to be okay."

"Well everything is NOT going to be okay," Michael said. "I want you out of my house. You have 45 minutes to pack. Then I don't want to see you again."

 

[Jjs: So basically her dad throws a hissy over her being pregnant and now treats her like she's some rat on the street. Great Christmas present!]

[Hayden: Daww, is little Michael throwing a temper tantrum? Does he need a timeout in the stereotype corner?]

 

"You're kicking your daughter out during the holidays?" Jake asked. "That's horrible."

"Don't judge me," Michael said. "I wouldn't care if it was her damn birthday. The two of you, help her pack."

 

[Jjs: Not even on her birthday? Man, this dude's so hardcore.]

[Hayden: He'd be extremely hardcore if he had kicked her out on her actual DOB itself.]

 

And so they did, then Jackie was out. She had no place to go. The three of them just sat in Morgan's car, with all of Jackie's stuff in the back.

 

[Jjs: Boatmo....eh, I give up. Let's see what nonsensical plot this goes into.]

[Hayden: I wish I could pack all my crap in 45 minutes.]

 

"Oh my, god..." Jackie said, and started to cry. "I have nowhere to go."

"You have somewhere to go," Morgan said. "You're more than welcome to stay at my house."

"Thank you so much," Jackie said.

 

[Jjs: So we end this so-called "Wham Episode!" with Jackie getting treated like a rug by her dad, the SpongeBob characters wanting to stay in Bikini Top for no reasons, and we also get introduced to what I assume are the main villains of the show. Well Mr. Hayden, I don't know how we both made it through this episode...I thought it was pretty painfully bad. I mean, Jake is just annoying me more and more every episode. None of this would have happened if he just didn't go all sex hungry. The bad guys in this episode just seem bland like all the other characters, and the SpongeBob characters' motives for staying are horrible too. Well thanks for co-riffing Hayden, and let's see where this goes in the next episode...]

[Hayden: Well it was a pleasure to be here jjs. Hopefully I can come back and riff another day. But for now I've had enough of this painful piece of "literature" garbage. I would've ripped 70s a new one back in the day if I had bothered to read this. Cheers all. Hayden out.]

 

[So Sejima]

new places: Perfect Sea and Unoriginal Name Top

[Steel Sponge]

Ah, Bikini Top, the first target of anything when it comes to Spin-Offs, if I might say.

 

I'll do some commentary once Bikini Top is done.

[dragiiin123]

if "Bikini Top" is a horrible mess (which it probably is; it's been ages since i read it) then isn't every other spinoff just as bad

[So Sejima]

if "Bikini Top" is a horrible mess (which it probably is; it's been ages since i read it) then isn't every other spinoff just as bad

no. It means BT is the worst garbage to ever exist

[Clappy]

I've been meaning to comment on this since Jex, but these riffs are spot on.  Maybe I was blinded by the length of Bikini Top and how much detail 70s put into it, but there was far too many plots going on per episode.  Plus some of them were far too extreme and never got fully developed and/or abandoned.  Also, the character development really sucked.  Except for Temperance.  I remember her being the only character I actually gave a damn about.

[Jjs Goodman]

Thank you granddaddy Wumbo.

 

Bikini Top - Season 1

S1E1 (1) - Pilot

S1E2 (2) - Jex

S1E3 (3) - Trapped

S1E4 (4) - Crushed

S1E5 (5) - Memories and Repercussions

S1E6 (6) - Arianna and Naomi 

S1E7 (7) - Things Get Musical

S1E8 (8) - Bad News Brenda 

S1E9 (9) - Turn of Events

S1E10 (10) - Auditions

S1E11 (11) - Funeral

S1E12 (12) - Bikini Bottomites

S1E13 (13) - Not a Winter Wonderland

 

S1E14 (14) - Not a Holly Jolly Christmas, Either:

 

Spoiler

Previously on Bikini Top... Jackie tells her parents about her pregnancy, only to be fiercely kicked out, and Morgan tells her that she will always be welcome at her home. Bryan's home is burnt down by a mysterious fish, Astenias. Jordin and Hersht try to stop him. SpongeBob alums decide to stay in Bikini Top. Morgan still blames Bryan for her best friend being in a coma. Anna and Trey sing a duet. Needless to say, Anna and Trey are the only ones who seem to be happy right now.

 

[Jjs: Today's guest commentator is the famed Wumbology from Canada, America's Hat! Say hello to the crowd, Wumbo.]

[Wumbo: Don't worry about me being unfunny. Seth Rogen is Canadian, Mike Myers is Canadian, and Justin Bieber gives us a lot of riffing practice.]

 

Jackie is so miserable. And it's Christmas. She just got mailed her one, final Christmas present from her parents. 10,000 bucks. They must figure that will be enough for... the rest of her life.

 

[Jjs: Well what do ya know, her parents do have hearts...kind of.]

 

Morgan's mother and father were very kind to her. They bought her a bunch of cute maternity clothes, and a new FishPod. She liked it there, it was like she was a member of their family. Adrian, her mom, and Benjamin, her dad, had been nothing but accepting.

 

[Jjs: A new FishPod, just what everyone wants for Christmas.]

[Wumbo: So they have Google, cars, and a whole bunch of earth-made things in Bikini Top, but they don't have iPods? I call shenanigans.]

 

They didn't care that Jackie was with child.

 

[Jjs: They didn't care about grammar, either.]

[Wumbo: Look, Jane. Tarzan write spin-off.]

 

All they cared about was that she was Morgan's friend and she had no place to go because her parents weren't quite as accepting as they were.

 

[Jjs: So they don't even care she's pregnant or got kicked out of her own house, they only care she's Morgan's friend? Wow, okay.]

 

(Theme plays)

Bryan had no idea what was going on. 

 

[Wumbo: Oh, Bryan... I feel your pain.]

 

His house was just burned down. For no reason. He was incredibly confused. He was going through so much crap right now. He was just laying on his bed, trying not to cry. But to no avail. It was Christmas morning and all he was doing was crying.

 

[Jjs: Little baby don't you cry!]

 

Worst Christmas ever, worst Christmas ever, worst Christmas ever! His new foster parents, Larry and Tori, came into his room.

 

[Jjs: Wow, this Christmas is so bad he had to repeat it three times.]

[Wumbo: Can we get a foster spin-off writer?]

"The police are investigating the fire as we speak," Tori assured him. "I know you're going through a very tough time, but it's Christmas. Cheer up. There's someone downstairs who wants to see you."

 

[Jjs: Is it a new, out of nowhere character related to Bryan's past and has some twist to them?]

"Who is it?" Bryan asked, sounding miserable.

 

[Wumbo: Thanks for saying that he sounded miserable, 70s. I didn't gather that he would sound miserable until you said it. Oh sure, he repeated three times how it was the worst Christmas ever. But it's nice to have things spelled out.]

"You'll have to see," Tori said, and smiled her amazing, warm smile that could make anyone in the world feel better, no matter what was going on around them.

 

[Jjs: Tori, your ego is showing.]

Except Bryan. "No, if they want to see me so much, they can come up here. I don't care about anyone right now, and I hate my damn life."

 

[Jjs: I hate everyone because a bunch of random cliche villains burned down my house and killed my dad. Screw Christmas, I say!]

[Wumbo: Christmas ANGST. "Santa didn't get me a FishPod, FML."]

"You really just got over your father dying," Larry said. "Come on now, you can get through this too. We don't need you feeling like crap again. You just need to be strong, and fight through this."

 

[Wumbo: Can we just stop to appreciate the line "We don't need you feeling like crap again"? I love it. "Oh, no one told me that when I became a foster parent I had to deal with my kid's feelings. Fuck this shit."]

"I can't," Bryan said. "I-- I just can't."

 

[Jjs: So instead of trying to fight it, you just quit, like a loser. Quitters never win, pal.]

"Okay," Tori said. "I can accept that. We'll tell your visitor to come up and see you then. Hopefully you'll talk to her more than you've talked to us."

"Whatever..." Bryan said, sniffling a bit, then blowing his nose.

 

[Wumbo: Booger imagery: High art.]

"Merry Christmas," Temperance said. "How ya doing?"

 

[Jjs: Is she giving him some Jex for her Christmas present?]

 

"I feel like... my dad is dead, my house is gone, what's the use of me even being alive anymore, you know?" Bryan asked.

 

[Jjs: How can you feel your dad is dead and your house is gone? Are those brand new emotions?]

"No, I don't know," Temperance said. "That's probably the stupidest thing that has EVER come out of your mouth, Bryan, and if that is how you're going to act, then I'll just leave your room and let you kill yourself. That sound alright to you?

 

[Jjs: Wow, you're being a supportive girlfriend.]

[Wumbo: A message from concerned children's advertisers.]

 

You keep feeling sorry for yourself, yet you have everyone in the world who is here and willing to help you.

 

[Jjs: Hank Hill: YOU'RE A LOSER, YOU'RE A LOSER! YOU MAKE ME SICK YOU BIG BABY! YOU FEELIN' SORRY FOR YOURSELF?!]

 

You have your friends, your mom, who is so desperate to talk to you she's been calling ME, and your foster family. Jake, Larry, and Tori are really worried about you, you know."

 

[Jjs: Oh right, Bryan has a mom. I forgot since she's barely been mentioned by Bryan in his depression, and she never appears anymore. I guess Bryan doesn't give a shit about Zoe. Oh well.]

 

"I don't want to talk," Bryan said.

 

[Jjs: But you just did.]

"Then bye," Temperance said. She started to walk out the door, then she turned back. "Merry god damn Christmas," she said as she threw a little black velvet box at him.

 

[Jjs: MERRY GOD DAMN CHRISTMAS, AND HAVE A SHITTY NEW YEAR!]

[Wumbo: It's my dick personality in a box.]

 

Bryan opened it, and saw a solid gold ring that said "I LOVE YOU, BRYAN ERRIN."

 

[Wumbo: "Okay... dating two guys named Bryan... make sure to get the last name right on this one."]

For some reason, this made Bryan feel even worse.

 

[Jjs: This is the best Christmas ever, what was Bryan talking about?]

Temperance ran downstairs.

"You okay, dear?" Tori said. "Did he talk at all?"

"Oh, he talked," Temperance said, and she slammed the door.

"We need to take that boy to therapy," Larry said. "Doing what he's doing and not talking to anyone about what he's feeling is bad for him."

 

[Jjs: Like I said before, get him Dr. Peter Lankton.]

"No," Jake said. "He doesn't need to talk to a therapist, he's not crazy, Dad!"

 

[Jjs: I super crazy, me gone el loco!]

 

"You don't talk to therapists because you're crazy, Jake," Tori said. "You talk to therapists because sometimes you just need someone to talk to, and because at some point in their life, everyone needs help from a professional who studied mental and emotional health for a long time."

 

"Oh..." Jake said. "But even if you guys do take him to a therapist, how can you make sure that he'll talk? He hasn't been talking to anyone he knows, so why would he talk to a complete stranger?"

"We can't be sure, but some people just talk more to therapists," Tori said. "And it's a safe environment, where you can freely tell the therapists everything you've been holding in."

 

[Jjs: Yes, Dr. Peter Lankton will be listening, Bryan.]

"Oh," Jake said. "I think I want a therapist...."

 

[Jjs: Me too, but to talk to him about the horrors of this show I've had to endure.]

"Why?" Larry asked. "You tell us everything, son."

"Well yeah, I've told you everything, like about Jackie being pregnant, but... she's thinking about adoption, and I was okay with that when she first told me, but now... well, it's my baby, and I don't know if I want some other family taking care of it," Jake said.

 

[Jjs: I agree, considering the history of all the parents in Bikini Top.]

"I love how much you care about your child," Tori said. "But, if Jackie did give the baby up for adoption, that's a very good thing to do. You two could give it to a couple who can't have children, like someone who's infertile, or a same-sex couple. There are tons of good people who'd be willing to adopt. And you and Jackie are in high school. There's no guarantee that you would be good parents, and you need to do what's best for your child, if you do care about it."

"Well that's good advice," Jake said, and a tear came out of his eye. "I ruined my life, didn't I? From having sex and getting Jackie pregnant? I must have ruined my life...."

 

[Jjs: Of course not! All you did was be a whiny brat about not having sex, so you dumped your girlfriend, slept with another girl without protection, and got her pregnant. You totally didn't ruin your life.]

[Wumbo: This... this is a Christmas episode, right? It hasn't seemed like it for a while. Holly jolly? Anyone?]

"Not at all," Larry said.

"Your father is right," Tori said. "You made a mistake. That's all. You made your life even more complicated, that's for sure, but you definitely didn't ruin it.

 

[Wumbo: "You fucked up your life, but you didn't ruin it. Your life is in the seventh circle of Hell and you have no one to blame but yourself, but it's not ruined."]

 

All our lives are just a little complicated right now. But you certainly didn't ruin your life. A baby is a blessing, not a burden. I don't know, maybe it's just not time for a baby to be your blessing just yet, Jake. Like I said, you're only in high school."

 

[Jjs: So just because he's in high school means he's not ready for a baby. Does that mean someone in elementary school, middle school, or college could be ready for a baby? AWESOME!]

"Thanks, Mom," Jake said, and he hugged her. "And I'd want to talk to a therapist about what's going on with Naomi. I hope she's gonna be okay, but... it's not looking good." He began to cry harder.

 

[Jjs: Boo hoo, sob! I'm beginning to think this episode should be renamed to "A Christmas Episode Where Everyone Cries And Are Dicks To Each Other”.]

"I'm sure your friend Naomi will be okay," Larry assured his son. "And this should be a great lesson to you. Don't do drugs, ever. And don't EVER drink and drive. If you don't die from a car accident, I'll sure as hell finish you off. You got me?"

 

[Jjs: So if he drinks and drives, and lives, you'll finish your kid off anyways? That's a great message.]

[Wumbo: I didn't know "beating to death" was an acceptable form of discipline now.]

"Oh, I got you," Jake said, and sniffled.

"No need to get upset about it," Larry said. "Just don't drink, and if you do, don't drive. And don't do drugs, they seriously dull the senses."

 

[Jjs: Wait, when did this go from a Christmas episode to a PSA on drugs and alcohol?]

[Wumbo: This spin-off is bad, mmkay?]

"That's not what I'm upset about," Jake said. "Everyone's lives just suck so much right now. Is anyone having a good Christmas at all?"

 

[Jjs: I am, but probably because it's not Christmas right now.]

~~~

"Merry Christmas!" Trey told Anna.

 

[Jjs: Well, someone's happy.]

"Merry Christmas!" Anna said, and she laughed. Trey had gotten her an amazing necklace for her Christmas present, and it made her love him even more. The two kissed lovingly. They were at the Bikini Top Park, when they got a text from Morgan that told them to meet her at the Smoothie Shack.

 

[Jjs: Oh come on, the Smoothie Shack fetish again? It's even open on Christmas too? This town and smoothies, I swear.]

 

They ran there right away. She was sitting there with Jackie.

"We have news..." Morgan said.

 

[Jjs: Breaking news, something edgy is about to happen.]

"What news?" Anna asked.

"News about Jackie," Morgan replied. "You can do the honors, Miss Filmore." Jackie was a little shy, so Morgan patted her on the shoulder. "Go on, it's okay. They're our friends, remember?"

Jackie stood up, and took off her winter coat. The baby bump was revealed.

"Oh, HELLO!!" Trey said.

 

[Jjs: I lol'd hard.]

[Wumbo: Uncle Leo?]

Anna punched his shoulder. "Um... congratulations. Jake's the father, right...? Right?" Jackie didn't say anything. "Oh my god, Jake's not the father?!?"

 

[Jjs: I'm the father...wait, no, I don't want to have fish sex.]

[Wumbo: 10 bucks says they have Maury Povich down here, too.]

"No, he is," Jackie said. "I just felt like messing with you! It was actually kind of fun."

"Wow..." Anna said. "That's wonderful. So are your parents okay with it?"

"Not even slightly," Jackie said. "I've been living with Morgan for a while now."

"And why didn't we know this?" Anna asked.

 

[Jjs: Because you've turned into minor characters?]

"Well, you two wouldn't stop being all lovey-dovey long enough for anyone to tell you," Morgan said. "It's been a little annoying."

"Oh," Anna said. "So we're the last to know?"

"Well I'm sure Jake's told... HIM, and he's told Temperance, so yeah," Morgan said. "Actually... no, you're not. Naomi will be the last to know, if she makes it."

 

[Jjs: So, Naomi will be the last to know even if she doesn't die? Great friend, you are.]

"Don't even say that, Mor," Anna said. "Naomi is going to make it through this and you know it. You're being way too negative, and for the love of god will you forgive Bryan already? No offense, but you hating him is totally getting old, and annoying."

 

[Jjs: Just like these love stories.]

[Wumbo: "Don't even say that MOAR."]

"Maybe you're right..." Morgan said. "Maybe I should forgive him."

"Please tell me you're serious..." Trey said.

 

[Wumbo: I am serious, and don't call me Mor.]

"Why wouldn't I be?" Morgan asked. "Me being pissed at him is getting old, and he's going through a ridiculous amount of stuff right now too. Maybe I should go over to his house and tell him I forgive him."

 

[Jjs: Besides, it's Christmas! Not a time to be sobby and mean.]

[Wumbo: Let's see... instead of doing something, how about we slow the action down with repetitive dialogue?]

"Great idea," Jackie said. "Should me, Anna, and Trey come?"

"No," Morgan said. "I think it's better if I go alone." She got up and drove to Bryan's house.

 

"Morgan!" Larry said. "Haven't seen you here in a while."

"It's been too long, Larry," Morgan said. She shook Larry's hand, and smiled politely. "So, is Bryan home?"

 

[Wumbo: "No, I beat him to death for smoking pot."]

"He hasn't left his room all day," Larry said. "You're welcome up there."

 

"Thank you," Morgan said. She walked to Bryan's room, where she saw him laying in bed, sobbing. She frowned. "You okay, Bryan?"

 

[Jjs: Is he okay? He's doing fine, obviously. His dad died, his house got burned down, and he's having an overall shitty Christmas. I think it's safe to say he's okay!]

"What do you think?" he asked. "My dad and everything he owned is gone. So yeah... I'm dandy, Morgan. Why the hell are you here? Don't you hate me?"

 

[Jjs: Well someone is Mr. Sunshine today.]

"I never hated you," Morgan said. "I was just angry with you for not telling me and everyone else about Naomi's drug problem when you knew about it."

 

[Jjs: For the last time, why does this kid keep getting blamed for it? Naomi was a drug addict to begin with, it's not his fault she chose the wrong path.]

"Well she didn't want me to tell you," Bryan said.

"I know," Morgan said. "But I'm done with that. I'm done fighting the same fight, and arguing the same argument. It's getting old, and there are bigger things going on. Pregnancy, comas, you know, the usual drama at Bikini Top High School, right?"

 

[Jjs: The usual drama on this show in general, yes.]

 

"Why are you here, Morgan?" Bryan asked.

"Because I'm not mad at you anymore," Morgan said.

"Really?" Bryan asked.

 

[Jjs: I think that's pretty obvious hence her saying she was done fighting the same fight. I gotta be honest, is everyone in this show seriously dumb? They all seem to have memory loss and common sense issues.]

"Really!" Morgan said. She smiled.

"Well I really don't care," Bryan said. "So if you'd just leave me alone, that'd be great. 'Kay?" He quickly pointed to the room, signaling she needed to leave.

 

[Jjs: That's a great way to settle a truce. She wants to move on, but you tell her to screw off. He sure is Mr. Sunshine, folks!]

[Wumbo: Time to throw a little black box at him. Merry Goddamn Christmas and a Happy Motherfucking Hanukkah.]

"I'm not leaving," Morgan said.

"I think you are..." Bryan said.

 

[Jjs: You think she is? How do you know, did you magically gain some psychic powers from your grumpiness?]

"No, Jake," Morgan said. "Why don't you just talk to me? I can help."

 

[Jjs: Jake? You’re taking to Mr. Sunshine. Is Morgan high, which wouldn’t surprise me?]

"Okay, I get it, you forgive me!" Bryan said. "But if you really wanted to help me, you would just let me be alone, Morgan. I hate the world right now Morgan, and I don't want to take my anger out on you.

 

[Wumbo: Morgan.]

 

Not when what's left of our friendship is really fragile right now.

 

[Wumbo: Morgan.]

 

So please, for the love of god, just leave.

 

[Wumbo: Morgan.]

 

When and if I ever feel better, I'll talk to you and everyone else.

 

[Wumbo: Morgan. What's her name again?]

[Jjs: Dear god, Bryan's bitching is getting more grating than Jake's.]

 

But I didn't even talk to my girlfriend this morning. What in the hell makes you think I would talk to you, Morgan? ESPECIALLY when you blame me for almost killing your best friend in the deep blue sea by not telling you about her addiction to cocaine?"

 

[Wumbo: Take a breath, Bryan. Too many words in a sentence is bad for your lungs.]

"I'm not sure..." Morgan said. "I figured it wouldn't hurt to try."

 

"Well if you don't leave, it might hurt..." Bryan said.

 

[Wumbo: Like foster father, like son.]

"Fine," Morgan said. "Have fun being a jackass, Bryan. Let me know when you can take the time away from feeling sorry for yourself to talk to anyone." Then she slammed the door, and went downstairs.

 

[Jjs: Aren't they all one happy family?]

"How'd it go, Morgan?" Tori asked when she came down.

"I might be more pissed off at that son of a bitch than I already was," Morgan said. She ran out the door of their house, and slammed it.

 

[Jjs: So much for her patching things up. Can this show ever catch a break? I thought Christmas episodes were supposed to be happy, not a depressing sob fest.]

[Wumbo: Key to make extra scene: Replace "Temperance" with "Morgan".]

 

"Why does everyone keep doing that?" Tori asked.

 

[Jjs: Haha, pointing out a running gag totally doesn't ruin the gag itself.]

"That's it!" Larry said. He walked up the stairs, and opened the door. "Bryan, I'm going to call a therapist, if you like it or not. And hopefully he can see you in a few days."

 

[Jjs: Dr. Peter Lankton will be there in a jiffy! I swear, if the therapist isn't Dr. Peter Lankton, there's gonna be trouble.]

"I'm not seeing a therapist," Bryan said.

"Well, that's the thing," Larry said, "I'm your legal guardian, so I wasn't asking your permission. When you live under my roof, you do what I say. So, you'll be going to therapy."

 

[Jjs: I AM YOUR FOSTER PARENT, THAT MAKES ME YOUR GOD. NOW OBEY ME!]

[Wumbo: AND I WILL BEAT YOU IF YOU DON'T OBEY ME I SWEAR TO GOD MAN]

"Whatever..." Bryan said.

"I see we've reached an agreement," Larry said. He shut the door.

"Don't you think you were being a little harsh?" Tori asked.

 

[Jjs: Not as harsh as the things Mr. Sunshine has been saying all day.]

"Not really," Larry said. "I'm pretty sick of this. I realize he lost a family member,

 

[Jjs: I like how he seems to pretend his mother Zoe doesn't exist anymore. She's in another town and all, but she does know of Gordan's death, considering she was at the funeral with no lines.]

 

and all of his belongings in some strange fire, but that's no excuse to be acting the way he is. He should be happy to still be alive after all of this crap. I know I sound a little crabby, but I am crabby. Everyone that comes to talk to him just runs out of our house and slams the door, and that is not a good thing at all, Tori.

 

[Jjs: They're just playing Door Slam.]

 

It's not healthy for him to hold his feelings in like this, then lash out at anyone who tries to help him by talking to him, and trying to comfort him, and ask him exactly how he feels about everything that's going on. He needs help. He needs a professional opinion so he can just get over it, I know they say time heals wounds like these, but we've given that boy more than enough time than he needs to get over it. I would understand him still being sad about it, but being this sad and mean is unhealthy!"

"No need to go on a rant..." Jake said.

 

[Jjs: He kind of already did, bucko.]

"Haha," Larry said.

 

[Jjs: Haha? That's all you have to say after a large rant?]

"Dad, that wasn't a joke," Jake said. "My head is literally spinning from listening to all that you just said.

 

[Wumbo: Um, yes, because this totally has to do with you.]

 

It's crazy. You're crazy."

"What did you just say?" Larry asked.

 

[Wumbo: He said it twice and you still didn't get it?]

[Jjs: Yes, they are all idiots, aren't they?]

"I said that you're crazy, old man," Jake said. "Get your ears checked."

 

[Jjs: Oh great, here comes another tired parent drama plot.]

Suddenly, Jake, Tori, and Larry started to laugh. Bryan wasn't doing great, but at least they could still laugh.

~~~

Possibly because of that family finally laughing, something amazing happened.

 

[Wumbo: I'm... I'm not even going to touch this. A family laughs and something good happens. Is this a shoddy version of Pay it Forward? It's a shoddy version of something.]

 

SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, and Sandy were visiting Naomi in her hospital room, and she woke up.

 

[Jjs: Wow, you know what they say: SpongeBob can cure anything!]

~~~

That night, Jake, Tori, and Larry had gone out to get some dinner. Bryan stayed home, to Larry's dismay. They'd been gone for about an hour and a half, so Bryan got a little bored. He got out of his room for the first time that day, and saw a jar of painkillers sitting there on the counter. What he said earlier to Temperance about there being no use in his life anymore came back into his head. He took all of the painkillers, got a glass of water, and swallowed every last one of the painkillers. All he wanted was for the pain to go away.

 

[Jjs: And, they take the suicide route. Man, this show is so edgy.]

~~~

("Save You" by Matthew Perryman Jones plays throughout the end montage)

 

[Jjs: It's too late to save Bryan (and this show) I'm afraid, Matthew...]

Jake, Tori, and Larry come home to find Bryan on the floor, unconscious. Larry shakes him, and picks him up. Jake keeps saying "Wake up, wake up" over and over, and crying a little bit.

 

[Jjs: Shouldn't they be calling an ambulance or something?]

[Wumbo: No, because the clichéd yelling of "Wake up" is so much more effective, jjs.]

Temperance is laying on her bed, crying.

 

[Wumbo: There, there. I know it's hard to have a name like Temperance, but that's no reason to cry.]

Jackie is in Morgan's house, feeling completely out of place.

 

[Jjs: What new plot development did this statement yield? Seriously, each one of these montages always has something utterly useless in them.]

Morgan feels angry, and yet senses something is wrong, so she tries to call Bryan. All the phone does is ring, and ring, and ring, and she gets the voicemail eventually. She tries to call Jake instead, and he tells her everything, and that they're driving him to Bikini Top Hospital as fast as they can.

Naomi walks out the door of Bikini Top Hospital just to see Larry run in with Bryan in his arms, and Tori, Jake, and Morgan right behind the two of them. She follows.

 

[Jjs: As soon as Naomi gets out of the hospital...she goes right back in. Well Wumbo, not gonna lie...that...was one of the worst Christmas episodes of a show I've ever seen. When you screw up a Christmas episode, you know something's not right. It felt more like "My life sucks, I hate you all!" episode rather than an actual Christmas theme. I dunno how you and I both got through this episode, but I'm almost calling it quits...almost though. I do want to see where these jumbled plots go next, as cooky as they are. Thanks for riffing, and stay fresh, Wumbo.]

[Wumbo: My pleasure, jjs. Stay classy. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go make fun of a Justin Bieber video. God, I'm so lonely.]

[So Sejima]

 

 

[Jjs: Well someone is Mr. Sunshine today.]

 

 

[Jjs: They're just playing Door Slam.]

 

Mr Sun came up and smiled at me! And can I join the next round of door slam?

[SpongeOddFan]

great riff, jjs & Wumbo

[Metal Snake]

if "Bikini Top" is a horrible mess (which it probably is; it's been ages since i read it) then isn't every other spinoff just as bad

 

No, it's just a horrible mess. Just because it was said to be the best spin-off ever doesn't mean it was.

 

 

 

I've been meaning to comment on this since Jex, but these riffs are spot on.  Maybe I was blinded by the length of Bikini Top and how much detail 70s put into it, but there was far too many plots going on per episode.  Plus some of them were far too extreme and never got fully developed and/or abandoned.  Also, the character development really sucked.  Except for Temperance.  I remember her being the only character I actually gave a damn about.

 

I don't really like any of the characters, they're all just the same whiny drama queen to me.

[Jjs Goodman]

Here's the first new episode for today, with special guest the master of Clap! 

 

Bikini Top - Season 1

S1E1 (1) - Pilot

S1E2 (2) - Jex

S1E3 (3) - Trapped

S1E4 (4) - Crushed

S1E5 (5) - Memories and Repercussions

S1E6 (6) - Arianna and Naomi 

S1E7 (7) - Things Get Musical

S1E8 (8) - Bad News Brenda 

S1E9 (9) - Turn of Events

S1E10 (10) - Auditions

S1E11 (11) - Funeral

S1E12 (12) - Bikini Bottomites

S1E13 (13) - Not a Winter Wonderland

S1E14 (14) - Not a Holly Jolly Christmas, Either

 

S1E15 (15) - Valentine's Day:

 

Spoiler

Previously on Bikini Top... Bryan has been feeling like crap, and everyone is trying to get through to him. Therapy is on everyone's mind, and Jake vents about his problems to his parents. Naomi finally gets out of her coma, and in the end Bryan overdoses on painkillers. Now that Naomi is out of a coma, will Bryan be in one? Find out in this episode of Bikini Top.

[Jjs: Yo Clappy, thanks for riffing this show. Can't wait to see you pluk it apart. Also, I find the title hilarious, because isn't every episode Valentine's Day in general?]
[Clappy: Thanks for having me jjs. And wasn't it just Christmas? Let's keep progressing forward through never ending plot holes and horrid one dimensional characters of SBC's…aka 70s’ #1 spin-off. And clearly the #1 wasn't for quality.]

Christmas is over. It's Valentine's Day. Nothing has changed, Bryan is still in the hospital, yes, he's alive. Fine, too.

[Jjs: Wow, Valentine's Day already? What was everyone doing in January? Did they all say "Fuck you Bryan" and just leave him alone in the hospital for a month?]
[Clappy: No jjs. Only 70s said fuck you Bryan, because no one else really knows about the character of Bryan. Not even the uninteresting characters of Bikini Top.]

But they're worried about his mental and emotional health, and they need to make sure his physcial health is good before they let him out. Temperance hasn't been there to visit him. He thinks she's still mad for what happened in his room on Christmas. She hates him. He hates him. God, his life sucked.

[Jjs: Wow, Temperance is a great girlfriend. Yeah, fuck Bryan, he may have been a huge douche, so I don't care if he dies!]

[Clappy: Clearly Bryan’s life sucked because he had no character development. Also, why couldn’t he have just said health since he mentioned all three areas? Run-on sentences run on and on and on.]

 

(Theme plays)
 

[Clappy: I think I finally found the theme song for this show btw.]

 

Anna and Trey were still having the dream relationship. It was amazing, like it was almost too perfect. 

[Jjs: A dream relationship? Were they both somehow imagining having Jex with each other?]

[Clappy: Their relationship was so perfect that actual words could not describe it.]

 

Trey was confused, his relationship with Arianna wasn't like this. They fought a lot, usually because Trey said something she didn't want him to do, 

[Jjs: Wait, how did he say things she didn't want him to do? Did Arianna have control over what he said or something? She's one demanding bitch, then.]

or did something she didn't want him to do. Wow, he hated Arianna, he didn't realize it when they were going out, but he hated that girl. She was smoking hot, but a total spoiled brat. He didn't know what was up with her lately, and he didn't want to know.

[Jjs: She's just still serving her month suspension, and probably wanting to kill you. Nothing to get concerned about!]
 

~~~
 

[Clappy: Btw, those tildes (aka the squiggly lines) need to be addressed. I assume that this was 70s’ way of adding commercial breaks to spin-offs. So let’s recap. Nothing actually happened. People thought about themselves. Let’s continue.]

 

Arianna had been having a tough time lately. Trey broke up with her for that skank, Anna. Stupid virgin. But revenge was coming. Oh, revenge was coming. Her brother Robbie was going to kick Trey's douchey little ass.

[Jjs: Robbie? Oh, I'm so scared! A character who is just being used for revenge and will probably have no personality or development is making me cower in fear!]

She didn't feel bad for him, the loser had it coming. He dumped her for no reason. She was NOTHING but nice to him. And then he just ditched her for Anna. 

[Jjs: Maybe that should tell you that you did something wrong? Oh wait, I forgot everyone in this show has memory loss issues and can't use common sense.]

[Clappy: Hey, that’s too soon for that memory loss joke, jjs. Bryan just got out of his two month coma. Memory loss is a bad thing. Like me not remembering how half-assed this spin-off was.]

 

Maybe she should have Robbie kick Anna's prissy little ass instead. No... Arianna could handle that. Totally.

[Jjs: ARIANNA VS ANNA AND ROBBIE VS TREY! RIGHT HERE ON BIKINI TOP WRESTLING!]

[Clappy: BAH GAWD DING! THIS IS GONNA BE ONE HELL OF A SLOBBERKNOCKER! RIGHT AFTER THESE TILDES!]

 

~~~

Bryan was in his hospital room. Dr. Fields, the doctor who had been treating him, walked inside. He smiled.

[Jjs: Dr. Fields? I prefer Dr. House.]

"Guess what!" Dr. Fields said.

"I get to leave?" Bryan asked, sounding immensely excited.
 

[Clappy: Do I get to leave too?]

 

"Congratulations," Dr. Fields said. "But...."
 

[Clappy: Uh oh, more unnecessary drama.]

 

"No, Dr. Fields!" Bryan whined. "No buts! NO buts! I'm fine! See?" 

[Jjs: No buts? Seymour Butts won't be happy to hear that.]

He jumped out of bed, and jumped up and down, and up and down.

[Jjs: 25 jumping jacks, get to it!]

[Clappy: Best thing to do after getting out of a coma.]

"Why are you guys still keeping me here anyways? I tried to commit suicide last Christmas. It's Valentine's Day now, for god's sake!"

[Jjs: Oh yeah, that reminds me: How the fuck did Bryan live after swallowing that many painkillers? Shouldn't he have died already? Or is this going to spawn into some shitty twist?]

"The only but is that you have to see a therapist until Easter," Dr. Fields said. 

[Jjs: Geez, the holidays sure hate Bryan. Maybe it's because of his asshole attitude in the last episode.]

"I apologize, but this is just to make sure that you're healthy, both mentally and emotionally. We don't want you to attempt to commit suicide ever again, Bryan. And therapy is the only way we can try to fix that. If you don't go to therapy, we'll have to keep you here, in this hospital, and diagnose you with depression, a really dangerous depression where you're never allowed to be alone, and there will be cameras in your hospital room. Is that what you want?"

[Jjs: Of course, he'll totally want that.]

[Clappy: The one thing I did not see listed is a shrink. This is what this guy actually needs clearly.]

 

"Not at all," Bryan said.

"So you'll go to therapy?" Dr. Fields asked.

"Sure," Bryan said. "I don't want to at all, but sure. Anything to get out of this hellhole."

[Jjs: If you have Dr. Peter Lankton as your therapist, it will be fun!]

"Well, I'm happy to say that today's the day that you are getting out of this hellhole," Dr. Fields said. He smiled a kind smile. 

[Jjs: "He smiled a kind smile"? Don't make me call the Redundancy Department again...]

[Clappy: Jjs, there are many ways to be served up smiles. Kind smiles, nice smiles, happy smiles, joyful smiles.  Redundancy is needed.]

 

"Thank you so much," Bryan said. He shook Dr. Fields's firm hand, and got another smile from the very nice doctor.

[Jjs: Man, they may as well rename this guy to Dr. Sunshine!]

He was so happy. He was only sure of one thing right now, if he did have depression, he didn't have it now. That was for sure.

 

[Jjs: Now now, no need to use "now" so many times, now do we, now?]

 

He was on top of the world. Naomi was out of the coma. She had been there to see him numerous times. The only one who hadn't come to see him was Temperance.

[Jjs: I repeat: Temperance is such a great girlfriend to Bryan.]

"Your family is waiting for you outside," Dr. Fields told him.

Bryan thanked Dr. Fields again, and walked outside to see Tori, Larry, Jake... and Zoey, his mother. She looked more than a little angry.

[Jjs: Oh hey, Zoe(y) exists. I also like how she apparently jumped from another town back into Bikini Top again out of nowhere.]

[Clappy: That’s what we call a “surprise”, but what 70s likes to call unnecessary drama. Zoey is so angry that her son isn’t dead.  What a wonderful thoughtful mother.]

 

"This NEVER would have happened under my watch!" she said. "If my son was living under my roof, he wouldn't shove a million painkillers into his mouth and try to kill himself."

[Jjs: A million painkillers? Man, how Bryan didn't die sure is a mystery.]

[Clappy: A mystery that will remain unresolved.]

 

"Zoey, his father died and his house was burnt to smithereens by an arsonist," Larry said. "I believe it's safe to say he would've tried to kill himself under your roof too."

[Jjs: You forgot to mention the part where he was a huge douche to everyone on Christmas.]

[Clappy: And now on Valentine’s Day.]

"I don't think that's true," Zoey said. "He would always have me to talk to, and he wouldn't be ignored like I'm sure he is under your care."

"We don't ignore him," Tori assured her.

[Jjs: *grabs popcorn with Clappy* Ooh, momma wolf wants her kid back!]

"Yes, he was just being extremely antisocial," Larry explained. "He was dealing a lot of grief, and we tried to talk to him over and over, but he just wouldn't talk."

"Bullsh--" Zoey began.

 

[Clappy: Mind if I…cut in?]

"--Mom!" Bryan scolded his mother. "Seriously, that's enough. I'm FINE, I'm gonna go to therapy, and if it makes you feel better, I'll call you every day. But I'm not living with you. Sorry. I just don't want to. I love it here in Bikini Top, I've made tons of friends and I'm just not leaving now."

[Jjs: If she wants him back so bad, why did she send him to Bikini Top to begin with...?]

[Clappy: All these questions…will never be answered on Bikini Topgrassi.]

"But honey..." Zoey said.

"It's not a question, Mom," Bryan said.

[Jjs: She wasn't even asking a question. So your argument is invalid.]

"Bryan, please..." Zoey said.

"Mom, I love you," Bryan said. "But I want to stay here. I really do."

[Jjs: Yeah, I really love Bikini Top! Such a great town filled with flaws, inconsistencies, useless love triangles, boring drama, fish getting crushed by giant boulders for no reason, a bridge collapsing for no reason, a dad getting killed for no reason, an evil group doing bad things for the lulz...man, I'd love to stay in Bikini Top!]

[Clappy: You also forgot that this was the town that the apparent main character wanted to commit suicide in. So many precious memories.]

 

"Fine, fine," Zoey said.

"Thank you," Bryan said.

"You'll call me?" Zoey asked.

"Every day," Bryan promised.

[Jjs: And the next day, and the next day, and the next day...]

"Okay," Zoey said. She thought for a while.

"So I can stay?" Bryan asked.

"You're not off the hook yet," his mother told him.

[Jjs: The hooks, the hooks! For a show that supposedly takes place underwater, you'd think they would avoid making hook jokes.]

"What now?" Bryan asked.

 

[Clappy: More boring dialogue.]

"Don't talk to me like that..." Zoey said.

[Jjs: Don't talk to me like that even though I'm just asking why I'm not off the hook?]

"Sorry," Bryan said.

"So, you'll go to therapy?" Zoey asked him.

"Of course, Mom," Bryan assured her.

"Okay..." she thought again.

 

[Clappy: *falls asleep due to lack of anything going on*]

"So I can stay?" Bryan asked desperately.

"Hmm..." Zoey said. She began to ponder.

[Jjs: Hmm...I wonder if this conversation will go anywhere. Jjs began to ponder.]

"Please?" Bryan asked.

"I don't know..." Zoey said. "I miss you, and I feel like I need to see you."

[Jjs: So why don't you just move to Bikini Top?]

"Mom, I miss you too," Bryan said. "But I'm going to call you every single day, and you'll always know if anything is going on, I promise."

"Fine," Zoey said.

"I can stay?" Bryan grinned.

 

[Clappy: Oh hey, I just had a dream that was far more interesting than this boring scene. Man, was it a nightmare. It was me going through close to two pages of repetitive dialogue…oh fuck me. This isn’t a dream.]

"You can stay," Zoey said, and hugged her son.

[Jjs: *cue sappy heartwarming music*]

"Thank you, Zoey," Larry said.

"You won't be sorry," Tori said.

"We'll take good care of Bryan," Jake said.

"Isn't your girlfriend pregnant?" Zoey asked.

[Jjs: No, she's just gaining weight.]

"Um... yeah," Jake said.

"Oh," Zoey said. "Well good for you!"

"Thank you?" Jake said awkwardly.

[Jjs: Relevance, this had?]

"Anyways, I need to go back home," Zoey said.

"Bye," Bryan said, and he and his mother hugged.

Bryan, Tori, and Larry looked at Jake.

"What? She was the one who asked..." Jake said. "I wasn't ready. God, stop staring at me."

[Jjs: *stares at*]

[Clappy: More boring dialogue and me pondering how much longer I have to go reading this crap…after these messages.]

 

~~~

Trey was preparing for a romantic evening with Anna. They were going to Pierre's Gourmet Restaurant, an overpriced fancy place. 

[Jjs: C-Could it be...? Other restaurants exist in Bikini Top other than the Smoothie Shack?! I wonder if Pierre has answered my prayers.]

[Clappy: Oh yeah. That’s right. It’s the guy who was trying to think of words to describe this relationship…but couldn’t.]

 

He figured Anna would love it. Valentine's Day was a piece of cake. Then, he got a text from Arianna. It was weird, he was thinking about her earlier that day, now as he was getting dressed for his date, he gets a text from her. He decides it's a coincidence, and reads the text.

"lol. u dont no wats coming, bitch!"

[Jjs: im gunna fite u beach! meet me @ da park and imma kik yer as!]

[Clappy: THAT’S IT? A TEXT MESSAGE!? For the love of god, can this possibly get any more dramatic?!]

 

~~~

Temperance was watching Alex while Brenda and Tristan were out on a Valentine's Day date. Alex was about four months old now, and she loved her big sister, Temperance. 

[Jjs: Four months already? I wonder if Bikini Top is also famous for a fast timeline.]

She always reached her tiny little hands out for her, and loved being with her. She'd always smile. It made Temperance feel really good that her sister loved her the way she did. But the love Alex gave her didn't heal the broken heart Bryan gave her. Almost killing himself, and the talk they had in his room... it just made her upset. But she felt like she was ready to forgive him. She had talked to Jake earlier, and he said Bryan was really sorry. She didn't buy it. All she wanted was for Bryan to leave her alone. Forever. They tried going out, and it didn't work, because they weren't ready to be in a relationship, and that was that.

[Jjs: So fuck you Bryan, I hate you because your father died, you lost your house, decided to be a dick because of both things, and I'll never be your girlfriend ever again!]

[Clappy: Yeah, fuck you for trying to commit suicide. I’m perfect and don’t need to care about the fact that maybe you had some sort of mental issues. Oh hey, look. Another series of commercials. Surprised 70s didn’t decide to find sponsors like he finds YouTube songs.]

~~~

Anna and Trey just had a great Valentine's Day dinner. It took a lot of money out of Trey's pocket, but he lived in Bikini Top. Obviously, his family was rich. As small as it was, it was a rich town. 

[Jjs: The so-called small town of 2,000 people sure has a lot of rich people. Mr. Krabs would definitely want to sink his claws into robbing these people.]

[Clappy: It was such a perfect dinner that the writer obviously had a hard time describing it.]

 

Then, as they were walking in the parking lot to Trey's car, Trey saw a guy that looked a lot like Arianna. Except he was... a guy. 

[Jjs: No, really? I figured Trey saying he saw a GUY would mean it's a girl! Also, how the hell does he look like Arianna? Does he have breast implants, lipstick on, or what?]

[Clappy: Clearly her brother is the she-male from The Crying Game.]

And he looked like he'd seen things. Pretty scary things, things that Trey had no desire of seeing.

[Jjs: He's seen the horrors of this spin-off.]

"The name's Robbie," the guy said.

"Wh-What do you want?" Anna asked.

"My cousin Arianna asked me to do a little job," he said.

[Jjs: Yeah, let's hire another out of nowhere character to take care of some business.]

"What job?" Trey asked.
 

[Clappy: Steve Jobs.]

 

"You Trey?" Robbie asked.

[Jjs: There's a job named "You Trey"? That sounds like a fascinating job, probably more interesting than this show.]

"Yeah..." Trey replied.

Robbie smirked.

 

[Clappy:    ]

 

He ran towards Trey, pushed him down, and kicked him repeatedly. When he was done doing that, he punched him in the nose. Then he quickly drove away. But not before saying, "Don't screw my cousin over again, you son of a bitch!"

[Jjs: Wow, he sure got the job done. Man, this guy is like a professional hitman, pushing Trey down, kicking him, and punching him once in the nose. He's like a trained assassin. I'd cower from this guy, how about you Clappy?]

[Clappy: GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY. THAT KILLED HIM. AS GOD AS MY WITNESS HE NEARLY BROKE HIM IN HALF!]

 

~~~

Bryan and Jake were sitting in Jake's room. Bryan was pondering what to do about the Temperance situation. He wanted her back, but she wouldn't return any of his calls.

"I have an idea!" Jake said.

"What is it?" Bryan asked.

"Every couple has a song!" Jake said. "What song did you guys have?"
 

[Clappy: I bet it’s Cold As Ice because Temperance is such a bitch.]

 

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," Bryan said.

"Just tell me," Jake told him.

"'Our Song'" Bryan told him.

[Jjs: My song is My Song.]

"Yeah, what's your song?" Jake asked.
 

[Clappy: Ouch. OUCH! THAT JOKE! IT’S SO BAD IT HURTS! OW! STOP IT!]

 

""'Our Song'" Bryan repeated.

[Jjs: WHO IS ON FIRST BASE?]

"Seriously man, what is you and Temperance's song?"

[Jjs: Seriously man, what is you and incorrect grammar's song?]

"Our song is 'Our Song' by Taylor Swift," Bryan said.

[Jjs: Speaking of Taylor Swift, she could probably find a love interest more interesting than the ones in this show...depending how long she can stay with him.]

"Oh..." Jake said.

"Yep," Bryan said.

"Er... why?"

"We were both saying how stupid it was how couples have songs, and we decided that we'd just make that our song, to be simple. Plus, it's not a bad song," Bryan explained.
 

[Clappy: Not as stupid as taking a million painkillers and living, and also having a nearly two month coma where nothing happened in the overdramatic world that is Bikini Top. But go on...]

 

Jake immediately got up and went to his computer.

"What are you doing?" Bryan asked.

"Downloading a Taylor Swift song on FishTunes," Jake said.

[Jjs: FishTunes? Like Hayden said in his co-riff, I love how real life singers can keep their names, but stuff like iPods and iTunes have to get shitty fish nicknames. Kind of pointless to even give the music objects underwater puns if they can play real life music. What, did someone just dive underwater and spread the joys of surface music to the fish?]

[Clappy: Seriously 70s. You’re killing me with these bad jokes and puns. Please, you are gonna put me in a two month coma if I have to read any more of these.]

 

"Why?" Bryan asked.

"You're in Bikini Top, the town full of music!" Jake said. 

[Jjs: So, that means everyone in the town can sing Owl City, Taylor Swift, Rihanna, etc, but everyone else in the ocean is stuck with nautical tunes? Awesome, I love how this one particular town is the only one with such music.]

"You're going to serenade that girl with your song. I'm trying to find the instrumental version of 'Our Song.'"
 

[Clappy: Our Song? Our Song. Our Song? Our song. Come on, that’s what you guys were probably thinking too.]

 

"Oh," Bryan said. "I am a pretty good singer."

[Jjs: Bryan, your ego is showing.]

"Ego?" Jake asked.

"Shut up," Bryan said.

"'Kay, got it," Jake said. "You ready to sing to Temperance?"

"As ready as I'll ever be," Bryan said.

[Jjs: I like how Bryan just seems to have randomly been blessed with the same music talent as Anna.]

[Clappy: I would tell Bryan to break a leg, but I fear that he actually would.]

 

So Jake drove his foster brother to Temperance's house.

Inside, Brenda was called by Jake. She was told to get Temperance to go to her window, and so she did. When she was there, she saw her ex-boyfriend singing "Our Song" by Taylor Swift.

[Jjs: Yes, thanks for telling us again the song is by Taylor Swift. I didn't know the first time.]

She smiled the whole time. When it was over, she clapped.

"Was it good?" Bryan asked.

She shut the window.

"Crap!" Bryan said.

[Jjs: Oh no! She shut the window! I'll never get her back!]

She walked outside after shutting her window, and kissed him.

"It was very good," she said, and kissed him again.

[Jjs: Wow, singing one song can get one girl to love you again. I guess that means if Chris Brown sings a good song to Rihanna, they can be together again.]

[Clappy: Silly jjs. They’ve been back together two or three times already. Just goes to show that they are wonderful role models for domestic abuse.]
 

~~~

["Dice" by Finley Quaye plays throughout the end montage)
 

[Clappy: YES! Thank you 70s. I knew I could rely on you to add unnecessary music.]

[Jjs: I bet there's going to be one line of no importance. How much you wanna bet, Claps?]

Trey returns home, where his mother takes him to the hospital, suspecting a broken nose.

[Jjs: Suspecting a broken nose? Just...what? I think it's obvious it is broken, since he got PUNCHED in the nose...]

Robbie calls Arianna, telling her he successfully kicked Trey's ass. 

[Jjs: Yes, he gave him a six second fight, you must be so proud of yourself.]

She feels satisfied, now she just wants to hurt Anna. And that should be very easy. They already had one confrontation in school, but that was physical. She was going to get that hoe emotionally.

[Jjs: Physically? All she did was have a verbal bitch fight with her. So what makes hurting her emotionally any different from that? Are you going to write a book on why Anna is shit?]

[Clappy: How dare she call her a hoe. What trashy language for such a rich town.]

Bryan and Temperance are in his boatmobile kissing.

[Jjs: Called it!]

Brenda and Tristan set a date for their wedding.

[Clappy: Who are these two again?]

[Jjs: I can't blame you for forgetting, since they only get mentioned once in every three blue moons.]

 

Larry and Tori set a date for Bryan's first session of therapy. After that, Tori goes on the computer to pay all the bills. But she sees something scary. The family is bankrupt.

[Jjs: Oh joy, another shitty cliffhanger. Thanks for your aid Claps. This episode was still bad, though I did find it laughably bad. I mean, giving a few hits to Trey makes Robbie a legendary wrestler? FishTunes? Dr. Fields? Trey's mother "suspects" he has a broken nose? Lulz. I also love how Valentine's Day was only brought up maybe once or twice. Then again, this whole show is Valentine's Day themed in general.]
[Clappy:

Dear 70s,

Stop with the fucking cliffhangers. Cliffhangers don't always mean compelling writing. Especially when they are used to death. I mean, do you think anyone actually gives a shit about what happens to these characters? I know for sure that you don't. Otherwise, people riff it to pieces...like now. It's called character development. Learn it. That way you can stop relying on constantly overused cliches that have been done to death on teen dramas. Thanks again jjs. This wasn’t as terrible as I was expecting. This episode was more unnecessarily long than bad. I’ll see you next time when Bikini Top does a St. Patrick’s Day special where teenagers get drunk on alcohol and get into bar fights and make bad mistakes because…well hey. It’s Bikini Top. Nearly every bad thing imaginable happens.]

[Ron]

oh my god the nostalgia. jjs i love you this is hilarious.

[Wumbo]

Then, as they were walking in the parking lot to Trey's car, Trey saw a guy that looked a lot like Arianna. Except he was... a guy. 

 

Thanks for the laughs!