Jump to content
  • Advertisement

Community Deathmatch


Recommended Posts

5 hours ago, Old Man Jenkins said:

Must be something on your end. =\ They all show up fine for me.

Alright it's fine this time, must've just been a one time loading issue as I didn't even clear the cache or anything 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, it's just posts!


Post Mortem #3: Community Dies

The latest episode of Community Deathmatch Post-Mortem opens up to Tvguy already seated at the discussion panel.

Tvguy: Ladies and gentlemen, I am your returning host for the evening, as well as the sole survivor of last Post-Mortem's discussion pannel because I'm not a fucking moron! I am "The Innovator of Innovation", the real reason as to why this community still has a pulse! Hi, I'm tvguy :) and joining me here at the panel to partake in tonight's discussion will be not one, but TWO special guests! How's that for innovation, huh? Please keep your hands apart because you know and love them probably nowhere near as much as they know and love each other, it's Metal Snake & Spongetron!

Metal Snake: Why thank you for having us! This must be such an honor for this show! XD

Spongetron: Yes, Luke and I just couldn't bear to skip out on another chance to spread the magic of friendship and the power of love because, as we've both made perfectly clear earlier tonight, not everyone here on SBC is as fortunate. And Luke and I, we want to change that!

Tron proceeds to lock hands with Metal as they exchange loving X3's at each other.

Tvguy: Yes, well I'm sure you'll no doubt get on Katniss' nerves!

Katniss: Well, I sure hope Gwen Stefani shows up next, because that, no doubt, has happened.

Tvguy: Well, there goes our THIRD guest panelist surprise for this evening! Not one to let even death stop her from coming back onto SBC, Katniss is already back to add to tonight's discussion! And in even more record time than Crushing, himself! That's honestly both pretty amazing and a bit sad, but nevertheless, lets get right to the first topic of discussion we have on our agenda! Jjs and Hayden, like, where the fuck can we even begin with them?

???: I can tell you where you can begin.

OMJ strolls onto the set, still stained with the blood of captcha security. 

OMJ: How's about you begin with the story, with the only motherfucker on this show that fucking mattered!

Katniss: Who do you think you are?

OMJ turns to face the camera.

OMJ: Hi, crop these four dipshits out and zoom in right here where the main plot is! 

The camera does just that.

OMJ: Why Jenkins, why? I'm sure that's the question that isn't on the minds of like 85% of the community, although that still sounds just a bit too generous. And just why is that, exactly? THAT'S the real question here. They have, without a doubt, the best and most accurate SBC lit running right under their noses and they refuse to even acknowledge it. It's not worth a like to them, hell, I'd even accept a confused or a meh because that tells me that Community Deathmatch is not only being seen, but it's also getting a response, an emotional response that tells me that my work is striking the kinds of chords that you don't see anywhere else in this section, where the norm is that SBC WINS LOL! Look, I'm sorry, alright. I really am. I'm sorry that I don't kiss ass like everybody else on here does. I'm sorry that I don't pander to or fluff your ego like a typical SBC lit would. I'm sorry that I don't paint this community in a light that YOU think it should be bathed in! But most of all, I am terribly sorry that I know you more than you do, yourselves. Because really, that's where all the animosity lies, right? Sure, the disclaimer at the beginning outright says that the events taking place is, in fact, "fictional". Meaning that they only take place within the wacky world of Community Deathmatch. I just take what I see on a day to day basis and I turn it up to 11 for comedic effect. ACS' flair for the theatrics over SpongeBob fansites, Cha constantly up the ass of Aya, Wumbo's Todd in the Shadows aspirations, Tron and Luke's questionable relationship, Jjs and Hayden's low key homoerotic friendship, Clappy's low key burying of others, just to name a few. And if any of you take offense to that, then I guess I'll just have to be sorry that you're all that fucking insecure to have that low of a fucking opinion of yourselves. It's pathetic because you then bitch to me like I'm the problem when really it's just you who ends up living the gimmick that someone else scripted for you, and even better, you follow that script to a fucking tee! Now THAT is some real goddamn power to have. This is the kind of shit that no other SBC lit can even think about scratching the surface of. And you know why that is? It's because they have no balls! They'd rather tow the community line than to make something truly unique in this over saturated genre that is the SBC lit. Myself, on the other hand, I'm ahead of the curve. The only time people ever bother to look towards Community Deathmatch is when they wanna find something that they can take away from it and implement it into their own fledgling creations, most of which are fucking dead while the show all about death is still alive and kicking ass five years strong. And you wanna know what the fucked up part is? It's the fact that you sheep actually go out of your way to read and to like what these pretenders put out as if they just did something revolutionary while I've already BEEN changing the face of the spinoff/lit industry for years! 

Tron: Dude, come on, this isn't what this show right here is about-

OMJ: IT IS! I should know because I made it! So this, this is what they're gonna get and they better get fucking used to it! Interrupt me again, and I'll kill off your fucking boy toy over there! Keep your fucking ho in line, Luke!

Tron: :stinkeye:

OMJ: Name one. I want you to name one genuinely funny spinoff or lit before I busted that fucking door down! When I first posted Skodwarde, I was talked down to as if I didn't know what I was doing, but look at it now. One of the biggest juggernauts STILL going today with everybody trying to get in on it in order to get their foot through the writing door! Do I still look like that I don't know what the hell it is I'm doing? I was giving people opportunities way before the Riffing Theater came along. You could even say they were even better opportunities because it actually challenged people to craft something and make it their own, and not just commentate on somebody else's work as if they're fucking qualified. You all are the ones that have no fucking clue what you're doing by having not a single clue of what you're missing! And not just in the comedy department! You'll be hard fucking pressed to find something that comes anywhere close to the action and drama that this lit ALONE throws in your face. But that's only just the innovations

OMJ turns to look at tvguy specifically.

OMJ: I made to the spinoff and lit world. I haven't even begun to address the shift I made in the entire community as a whole. You needn't look no further than the old forumotion site as a whole to know exactly what I mean. You had forum leaders who couldn't do their jobs for shit, let alone put aside their petty little vendettas long enough to truly bring this community to the heights it very much had the potential of reaching back then. But no! Dumbasses were too busy getting butthurt left and right, clawing at each others throat. One of you even had the whole community held hostage at one point, threatening to erase everything with a simple click of a button. And you know who that was? That was the very founder of this community showing exactly what you all meant to him. And til this day, it still fucking shows. If your name isn't Clappy, he couldn't give a rat's ass about you, yet you all still sing him praises whenever you can, and I wouldn't necessarily say that it's out of respect moreso than it is fear that he will find a way to bury you hard. Then I come along and things here finally get back on track. It was MY suggestion to move over to vbulletin and, while unsuccessful, that put SBC on the road to where it is today. But it's just oh so painfully sad to see that even with all the glitz and glamour, all the bits and bobs, this place is still more or less in the same situation it was in six years ago. Perhaps even worse, because at least back then, we still had forum leaders who actually still give a shit about what exactly this place was built on. Look at us now, it's like we're going through a major identity crisis, but to me, that's honestly quite fitting. A good couple of examples being my Fantastic Five stablemates! You know, the group of some of the most legitimate friends to ever log on to this site that you all worked tirelessly to destroy just to make yourselves feel like less pathetic fucking losers than you all already are. :D Clappy, well, I'm sure you all know our history. I feel as though we "shoved it in your faces" more than enough times. This is a guy who gets mad all because I'm watching and talking about a show while on turntable that he's never even bothered to watch. He is that fucking Tom Petty, all it took was something like THAT to break his poor ole heart. You can imagine that when I saw his little campaign to win himself Honorary Staff Member a couple months back, that this was exactly the same Clappy that I had the complete displeasure of seeing on an on/off basis five years ago. This is a member who, like it says on his profile under his interests, just lives to be the life of the party. Do one teeny, tiny thing to change that and he will be out for blood. I mean, he stopped at literally almost nothing just to reclaim his top poster spot that I managed to wrestle away from him. And best believe that when he finally has you where he wants you, he will bleed you dry like the annoying little mosquito, the leech, that he really fucking is. Take my word for it, I was once his rockmate after all, we even had matching animals on the animology test we took years ago. Oh, and if this getting a bit too long for those of you with the benefit of low attention spans, cry yourselves out the fucking door and stop to let said door hit you on the ass on the way out and THEN you may have my permission to take your fat sorry fucking asses over to jjs' pandering new lit. It's fucking something with SBC in the title, as if that doesn't already tell you how tacky it's gonna be. I should know, I came up with "SBC Rising". Now where was I...yes! Sauce Mama, the girl who would willingly let me change every single facet of her very being just so she could get a one way ticket into my pants. Well, either that or to Hawaii. It really is hard to tell the sincerity in your words given how false your eyelashes are. Oh, I'm sorry! Please forgive me! I almost forgot how pathetically sad you get whenever that sensitive subject turns up. One little eyelash bash and this Boss becomes every bit the insecure little Baby that she makes herself out to be. How's about you see yourself to the real thirsty muh'fuckers on this forum like JCM, Nuggets or Wumbo. I'm sure they'd appreciate the cheap e-fuck much more than I would. Now, I'm gonna go ahead bundle the other two together because they're practically conjoined head to anus at this point anyways, there's just no better way to emphasize that fact. Aya, bu, slowpoke! You really haven't the slightest idea, do you? You haven't the slightest idea just how much you meant to me. It's not very often that I find a match quite like the one that I found in you. We're practically two of a kind, you and I. It made all the sense in the world to at least test the waters, so we did just that and while it was nice while it lasted, it just didn't lasted. You had every right to end it, I'm not one to stop anybody from what their heart desired, but I just could not for the life of me wrap my mind around where it went wrong. It ended on a more or less mutual note in private, but your whole break up message in your sharing time sounded as if you were relieved to get such a huge weight off your shoulders. I very stupidly chalked it up as it being just another case of "the way you spoke" and that perhaps it was just misworded. Then in the few SBM chat sessions that I did actually take part in, back when Kevin would awkwardly try to get us back together, you held nothing back. I recall him saying something along the lines of "you two need each other" and you replied that you didn't need me. Look, I can get independence and girl power and all that, but mind you, this was the time my mom legit passed away after a long battle with cancer, impeccable timing btw, and I was in need of any and all rocks and shoulders that I could lean on. You haven't the slightest idea just how low that made me feel. Like I was stupidly clinging onto somebody that truly never cared about me as much as I did her! I shirked a lot of fucking shit in my personal life to instead spend that time with you and everybody else on this community because it truly was my escape, and I realize now in hindsight that that was probably the worst fucking decision I could've made, but just for the chance to forget my troubles without having to drown it in alcohol, for the chance to actually be surrounded by friends who could make me forget and who I thought truly cared about me. I foolishly thought that it was all worth it. I wish I could just go back in time and beat the ever loving shit out of myself for doing that, for being so fucking weak. But you didn't just stop there, did ya, Aya? Wait, there's more! I recall that you even went so far as to flat out deem me unattractive and that if you were to fuck anybody else on here, it'd only be termi. You haven't the slightest idea how much that truly killed me, do you? I'm honestly even amazed with myself how I didn't just checked out right then and there. But you did apologize, at least! It's just, "sorry bu, but it's true" wouldn't be the way I'd word it exactly. But it's the thought that counts, right! That's what I thought! I went out of my way to make you feel good, and that still wasn't enough. I said you were beautiful, yet you still went out of your way to try and bury me like I was NOTHING. And that compliment on my part turned out to be based on a lie, right that one camgirl chick on 4chan? Or is it Sadie Cervantez I'm talking to now? Oh, I know, it's Julia- you know, I should really use this as a segue into my next subject. Cha, how long you must've known. I mean, I'm pretty sure you were there, as you always were, during those particular SBM chats. And yet you still had the gall to come calling me back to the god forsaken place as if I didn't have enough bad memories there already. But honestly, there's no hard feelings over slowly phasing me out of The Three, it was never going to last. I knew that. I honestly didn't even mind you and Aya having your own little ship, although the timing was, again, small kine impeccable but what can ya do. I did not mind it all, in fact, I supported it while it lasted! Hell, I still do because the sparks are still there for me! That semi-divorce is just that! Semi! and do you wanna know why I support it? It's because I like to see my friends happy, I like to see them thrive, and you and Aya are just always happy together! You two bring out the absolute best in each other creatively! It's the truth! In spite of what I did to Shin and what I've said thus far, I can STILL be a decent human being better than some people. So why, Cha? Why haven't you told me yet? I see you following you-know-who on twitter. Why have you been denying me my truth, MY happiness, for as long as you have now? Is it because you don't support me, am I not worth it to you? Were we not friends for longer? Did I not try to cut you some slack by warning you about your spamming and the trouble that you faced because of it when you first joined here? Am I not worth at least that much to you? Let me just tell you how much I think that I mean to you. I think that I'm worth at least a half truth to you. I know, full well, you've made the truth perfectly clear a handful of times in some of your posts, but it was in one of the most backhanded, half-assed ways possible. You know, changing a few pronouns around here and there doesn't make things, AT ALL, square between us. If anything, it insults my intelligence, gravely. And I'm disappointed by that, Cha. I truly thought you were different than everyone else. I legit thought you could be better, but once again, I was proven just how wrong I am! They all think that I don't know better, but I EXPECTED BETTER COMING FROM YOU! Looks like I'll just have to kill you off just like everyone else now, aren't I. If anything, all of this tells me that I have wasted enough of my life on this so-called "community". So how's about I stop wasting all your lives and get right down to why I went and beat the holy shit out of Shin! I'd like to say that I didn't want to do it and that you all made me do it, but that wouldn't be the truth, exactly. That'd be a half truth, and even to me, you're all worth double that! Sure, you dipshits made me do it, but I also wanted to do it! Even if you hadn't make me, I'd still have gone out and done it! That dumb prick is nothing but a cheap ass pop! He's only in it for the cheap likes! He isn't in it for the long haul like I am! This community means nothing to him! He says he'll come back and then pulls any excuse out his ass that's solely designed to convince you to convince him to stay! And no matter what you say or do, it's never enough to convince him. He'll just see you again the same time next year with the next stupid fucking thing he wants to get over! And you dumbasses put that heaping dumpster fire of shit over, undeservingly! That's the fucking textbook definition of a part-timer right there, Aya, don't go fucking saying JCM is that after his last match with Clappy like you're fucking hip. And just where is Shin now? When was the last time he even bothered to log back in since?! I'll tell you EXACTLY where he is. He's back in the sad, pathetic reality that he lives in because I ran his ass back over there! He knows for a fact that facing reality is a lot easier than having to FACE ME

OMJ plants his face into his hands wipes some of the blood off, but he only seems to smear it more.

OMJ: This is what you all wanted, right?! Me being the big bad guy around here and everyone else gets to live their wildest dreams of being the heroes of this story! No more deaths! You all get to choose life! I ain't gonna sugar coat it. Spoiler alert

 

I'll personally make for damn sure you all die heroes

OMJ In case you've been living under a rock or you're just that damn retarded, and please spare me the wrist slap, the rules here have as much credibility as they do on Fairly Odd fucking parents. Community Deathmatch is ending. But what a lot of you fail to realize is that this isn't just Rusty's Raping Rampage ending. This isn't just Bikini Top Ending. This isn't just Down Under ending. This isn't just One Time SpongeBob Characters ending. This isn't just Team SpongeBob ending. This is nowhere near Riffing Theater ending. They were mere spokes in the wheel, and the wheel kept turning long after they've been gone. Good things don't last forever. The wheel will stop. When Community Deathmatch ends, so will SBC and the entire SpongeBob Universe along with it because this right here is the wheel. I mean, it sure as hell ain't SpongeBob at this point amirite? You asked me earlier Katniss, "just who do I think I am?" I am the omega. I am without regret. I am devoid of shame.

OMJ charges up to Katniss and gets right in her face.

OMJ: I'm the violence on the shoutbox! I'm OMJ, and FUCK SBC!

He gets in Spongetron and Metal Snake's faces next.

OMJ: I'm the spawn of all your wet dreams! I'm OMJ, and FUCK SBC!

He gets in tvguy's face.

OMJ: I'm the product of your weakness! I'm OMJ, and FUCK SBC!

He approaches the camera and pulls it in closer now.

OMJ: And when your mods gone, you can believe this! I'm OMJ-

The camera gets thrown to the ground, breaking on impact and causing the scene to go static. The static abruptly halts to black.

  • Like 2
  • Happy 3
  • God Himself 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, it's just posts!

 

 

Magnum Opus

OMJ: Welcome, death fans! To another butt-pounding episodi- ahh, you know the drill. In case you're too visually impaired, I have personally taken it upon myself to take over announcing duties for the foreseeable future! I mean, why continue wasting more of my time and effort and resources into a couple of dipshits who probably don't even have the passion for Deathmatch that I work hard to make them out as having when I can just go ahead and throw back in the only guy who's made this all work for the last 5 fucking years! I've never needed anyone's help thus far, and I sure as fucking shit don't need to carry anyone now. And ladies and gentlemen, I have a gut feeling that you might like this, because for once in your online lives, none of you (that matters, anyway) are gonna be competing tonight. I thought I'd take a break from making art imitate life. I know there's a whole smorgasbord of shit going on that I'm sure a good number of you would probably like to see we here at Community Deathmatch. Crushing has been demoted and its ruffled some feathers, people are politicking, pushing their agendas up others asses, Wumbo and Ren are still on each others asses and you can bet your ass that Ren probably gets off on that shit just like how he does with anything on two legs. I know! I see you. But tonight, I thought maybe we could just take a huge leap back for once, because we here at Community Deathmatch are the cutting edge of SBC lits, after all! We here at Community Deathmatch have made a huge, HUGE acquisition that I would like to showcase for the community to see. And keeping true to the fact that we are the cutting edge of SBC lits, this acquisition is somebody that no one has even thought of utilizing, at least, not yet anyway. Oh, I'm sure he'll be the flavor for one of these months! Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you a very special episode. One that I hope will spark a discussion that is truly, TRULY worth having. Karen, take it away!

We head down to the ring, where Karen is standing by to formally introduce tonight's combatants.

Karen: Introducing first, hailing from someplace questionable! They're not telling us their gender and their favorite episode is A SpongeBob Christmas! They are @BubbleBlowingKelp!

 

BubbleBlowingKelp makes their way down to the ring, absolutely enthusiastic about all things SpongeBob, at least for a couple of months.

OMJ: No, this lame fucker isn't it. Can't you tell by the jobber ass entrance theme? They're not even having visual aids made for them, that's how fucking insignificant I think they are.

 

OMJ: But this! THIS is truly Community Deathmatch's magnum opus!

tenor.gif
image.jpg
image.jpg

Karen: And their opponent, blessed onto us by the ssj gods, an SBM sloppy second that we are all truly honored to indulge in! He is, @sonicjordan!

OMJ: It's like looking at a BubbleBlowingKelp illustration come to life! A real mess in every sense of the word, is this member! A man of few words, but once those words are uttered, they spell disaster for anybody in his train of thought!

SonicJordan stomps down to the ring and enters it, sizing up with BubbleBlowingKelp.

OMJ: SonicJordan might have the lower post count of the two, but within just those few posts, he has already eclipsed his more slightly seasoned opponent in reputation. Be it good or bad reactions, it can all come into play here on Community Deathmatch! And ladies and gentlemen, please join me in giving a warm Deathmatch welcome back to none other than the OG referee, Elastic Dog, who recently made his return with a strong showing in the Deathmatch Tag Team Title Tournament! Not only is he back, but he will indeed be officiating tonight's featured match! If that right there doesn't tell you just how monumental this Deathmatch really is to me, then I don't know what will!

Elastic: Alright you two, I want to see a good, clean fight! So anything Argento-inspired will be greatly appreciated by yours truly. Any last requests?

BubbleBlowingKelp: Sorry I couldn't make it to Jep for the last three years. Is it alright if I can sign up again.

SonicJordan: Actually I have moreso a question to pose than I do a request.

Elastic: Spill it.

SonicJordan: What if Sandy Cheeks is horribly hit by acid?

Elastic: I'll allow it-

SonicJordan suddenly pulls a beaker of acid out of his tights and splashes it right in the face of BubbleBlowingKelp. Kelp's face slowly and painfully begins to melt away, despite their best efforts to wipe it away with their hands, which also gets burned by the acid. Elastic grabs some popcorn and puts on his 3d glasses as SonicJordan proceeds to break the beaker onto Kelp's melted and exposed facial flesh and bone. SonicJordan looks on at his agonized opponent, looking quite unsatisfyingly blank at the result of his hypothesis.

image.jpg

OMJ: This guy seriously gets out in public? Who the fuck allows that?

Elastic: I'll allow it!

OMJ: This is a member who prides himself on being a throwback of sorts to the days when serious SpongeBob discussions were the norm and not relegated to being looked down upon or discouraged. He is absolutely not afraid to ask the tough questions that I'm sure has been on everybody's mind at least ONCE in their life. SonicJordan seeks answers and he will go to any great lengths to get them! And what better way to experiment a little than to step inside the Deathmatch ring!

SonicJordan takes some mental notes, noting specifically how his opponent's face melted off almost immediately after the acid was introduced into the equation. He then digs the shattered shards of glass deeper into Kelp's exposed face. Kelp miraculously tries to fight SonicJordan off, attempting to outmuscle him in a game of Hurt and Heal where for each time Kelp can hurt Jordan, his injury will slowly heal itself. However, no matter what he did to inflict any sort harm onto SonicJordan, it just would not faze him and Jordan would simply respond with even more punishment. A quick shot is shown backstage of various members reacting to SonicJordan's display.

image.jpg

OMJ: "The Hypothetical Necrophile" is not only turning heads (into mush) here in the SpongeBob Community, but he is also proving himself to be practically immune to any and all murder attempts made on BubbleBlowingKelp's part! Kelp hasn't seen any sort of action or activity here in three years and it is REALLY showing with disastrous results- and speaking of not seeing any action in years, ladies and gentlemen, I-I'm currently being joined here on commentary by none other than "The Good Guy" Crushingmayhem!

Crushing: Being inactive on SBC for three years?

OMJ: Yes, Crush, three years.

Crushing: Then that, I'm afraid, serves him right. I'm not one to wish such unfortunate circumstances onto anybody but I do wish it onto BubbleBlowingKelp and anybody else who decides they don't want to be active on here anymore. It sends a bad message to potential members here to see such a huge sea of inactivity enveloping our once proud community, although it does bolster our member count so that's quantity right there, if I do say so myself.

OMJ: Crushing, I honestly wasn't expecting to see you out here tonight. I didn't even have you scripted to appear! I know you've also been keeping busy by competing in the Deathmatch Tag Team Title tournament, as well. Sorry you didn't make it past the first round. I actually thought this may have been a bit too soon to put you back on-screen.

Crushing: First, I would like to address that it was Jelly who was the one who lost, which also resulted in my losing in the tag team title tournament. Maybe if I had a partner who actually IS active, then maybe things could've went a bit differently. Then again, maybe not. And secondly, a bit too soon since what? My "resignation" from the staff? It is a bit too soon, but it's also been a good number of days since then. So either way, I'm perfectly fine and capable of conducting myself accordingly and appropriately.

OMJ: Well, I'm glad to hear! I guess. And I'm also glad to have somebody who gives a shit on board with me here tonight.

Crushing: Yes, I am indeed on board perhaps for tonight, but do you know what I am not "on board" with right now?

OMJ: What?

Crushing: This ridiculous yet very hearty and activity starting discussion that's taking place right now between SonicJordan and BubbleBlowingKelp.

OMJ: And just whatever could be wrong with what I'm putting out here tonight? The other members seem to thank, meh, sad and confuse it. Except for Trophy, but he's SCUM, obviously.

Crushing: And they're the ones that are enabling such derailing yet enthralling discussions to take place! This is against the rules.

OMJ: I don't think so.

Crushing: Well then it should be, more or less. Where are the mods? Where is my replacement? Why aren't they doing their jobs to stop problems before they can escalate even further? It's because they're too busy "turning the left cheek".

OMJ: Well, speaking as someone who does have his apprehensions about ACS being reinstated back here, I can somewhat agree, but-

Crushing: Not like that, OMJ. That was subliminal. Like how the staff here is subliminally pushing their liberal stances down everyone's throats. Just look at SonicJordan's hair.

OMJ: Come on, Crushing! Get outta here with that!

Crushing: Aye dios mio, don't tell me that they got to you too, OMJ. I thought you were better than this.

OMJ: Hey, I've said it here time and time again that nobody, and I mean absolutely NOBODY is better than me! Not the staff, not even you, Crush.

Crush: And I have learned to tolerate yet somewhat still resent that fact. But you know who doesn't tolerate and resents other opinions, the staff. That's why they got rid of me, all because my opinion is different from theirs and they just couldn't accept it. They couldn't even compromise. This may be their "way" of compromising, but I'm telling you right now that it's just to cover their asses. 

OMJ: Look, I think we've derailed this Deathmatch enough, lets just get back to that and maybe we can pick up on this in a future episode or something.

Crush: I must admit I'm rather displeased with that notion, but I am willing to accept and compromise.

OMJ: Aye dios mio.

SonicJordan plants Kelp with a powerful waist-lift side slam. Kelp is down, but he is still not out. This prompts SonicJordan to lift his opponent onto his shoulders and he proceeds to carry him out of the arena.

OMJ: In all my years of writing Deathmatch, I don't think I've EVER written anything quite like this, folks! SonicJordan is taking this fight out of the hallowed grounds of the Deathmatch Arena! I'm pretty sure this is unprecedented!

Crushing: If anything, OMJ, the sheer lack of any mod or administrative intervention here is unprecedented.

SonicJordan carries BubbleBlowingKelp on over to the SpongeCraft server, where he then arrives at a rather large and imposing building.

OMJ: SonicJordan has locked on and targeted a rather large and imposing building no doubt crafted by one of the fine users of SpongeCraft, most likely SBL! What could he possibly have in mind?! 

Crushing: Something worth a suspension, I'm sure.

SonicJordan proceeds into the building with BubbleBlowingKelp still draped over his shoulders.

OMJ: He's going inside! I can not believe it! Send out an APB! SonicJordan knows how to operate doors!

Crushing: I'd answer that APB right now, but sadly I am now retired.

SonicJordan then enters the elevator and takes it up.

OMJ: And elevators. Dear Neptune, why have you forsaken us! There is absolutely no telling, at this point, what SonicJordan might do!

SonicJordan gets off on the 24th floor and takes BubbleBlowingKelp to a nearby glass window. SonicJordan just looks at it blankly before posing the question

SonicJordan: What if Sandy ran into a glass window to prove that the glass was unbreakable and fell to her death?

OMJ: Oh no. Oh dear god, no! This has shades of Toronto lawyer Garry Hoy splattered all over it!

SonicJordan chucks BubbleBlowingKelp through the window, causing the glass frame to break off and it plunges down with Kelp along with it. The glass remains unbroken as ends up serving to break Kelp's fall, which does nothing to cushion it and BubbleBlowingKelp dies immediately upon impact.

OMJ: OH MY GOD! What a Freak Accident made intentionally by SonicJordan! I can only hope he's finally got his answers, but I don't think even that is enough to keep this discussion going any further.

Crushing: What a waste of perfectly good activity. The first of many casualties of this new regime, I can assure you but don't take my word for it.

Elastic peeks over the window pane to survey the damage before raising SonicJordan's hand in victory.

Elastic: WINNER, SONICJORDAN!

SonicJordan: image.jpg

Elastic backs up and jumps out of the window to get away.

OMJ: And with that, SonicJordan has secured himself his very first of what I'm sure is to be many victories here on Community Deathmatch!

Crushing: Not on my watch, if I were still a mod.

OMJ: In any case, what a major acquisition this is for Community Deathmatch! I'd sure like to see any other lits try and fail to serve SonicJordan any better! But for now, we are all out of time! I'm Old Man Jenkins!

Crushing: And I am Crushmayhem, pushing for a better SpongeBob Community.

 

  • Like 1
  • Happy 1
  • God Himself 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Crushing was the best character in this. It's funny because it's true. I'm admittedly the most guilty of turning the left cheek too much. Like Homie, I'm glad we have long, off-topic arguments on serious discussions. Glad you enjoy them too. X3

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, it's just posts!

 

 

A Brighter Future, and A Better SpongeBob Community

OMJ: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the second straight installment THIS WEEK of the longest-running episodic SBC lit with the most bipolar schedule known to man- oh shit, perhaps I should've worded that a bit differently for tonight will see the in-ring return of "The Good Guy" Crushingmayhem, as he looks to continue pushing his own agenda in an attempt to push the "already pushing its luck" liberal agenda somewhere else! Perhaps to Kentucky. I am your host, Old Man Jenkins, and this is Community Deathmatch!

Crushing: "*spits* I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO CONTRIBUTE! But I'll understand if reasons."

 

OMJ: And here he is, the man of the hour, and no, he is not being repackaged to be Lio Rush-

Crushing: Cut the music, please! 

Crushing's voice echoed throughout the Deathmatch Arena, but he was nowhere to be seen.

Crushing: Cut THAT music. Now, I would like for you to play the right music. Thank you.

 

image.jpg

OMJ: Crushing is making his way down to the main show's ring for the first time since that heartbreaking loss to Aya over the SpongeBob Universal Title! Of course, a lot of other things have happened to him since then and you would think it would be enough to break the man into leaving, but Crushing is indeed back and with a renewed purpose!

Crushing enters the ring and places his sign up in one of the top right corner of the ring. He asks for a live mic and is handed one. He also has a megaphone situated near his person just in case his voice gets silenced. The crowd chants "Good Guy" at him as they continue to pop for him out of instinct.

Crushing: No. I am not the good guy, nor I am the bad guy. I am, by all means, a neutral guy. And I am still here to remind you all that you used to be, too. And I say that I am "still here" because unlike a good number of my peers who once served this community first and foremost at one point or another, I didn't just walk away from it all when online or real life dealt me a bad hand and I was forced to retire. Oh believe me, I was tempted to, I was practically egged on to. I was so close to closing that door, both of my feet were already through it, but before they could hit me on the ass with said door on my way out, I realized something very important; I didn't want to leave. This was not my decision to make, this was all them trying to PUSH ME OUT. They happily would've preferred if I just left. And all just so they can continue to force a specific group of members, real people with real opinions of their own, into silence. So I kicked that door down and I came right back, and God willing, I am here to stay because I know for a fact that I still have a lot more to offer to this community.

The crowd pops huge, starting up a "Welcome Back!" chant.

Crowd: WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK!

The feelings starts to overwhelm Crush for a bit, but he quickly resumes his neutral stance.

Crushing: You all don't know just how much that means to me. That is exactly not the right reaction I was hoping for.

The crowd is genuinely puzzled now, reacting only with confuseds.

Crushing: As I said previously, when I first addressed you all here tonight, "I am still here to remind you all that you used to be neutral, too". I came back to show you that WE ALL are capable of coming back, of being neutral again, of being better than what we've become now. Those were the days when our community truly thrived. I could stand here and list off countless examples by way of a PowerPoint presentation. Likewise, I can also list off just as many examples proving why this community, OUR community, has become the exact opposite. In fact, I have prepared such a PowerPoint for just such an occasion. But rather than standing here, boring you with the details of every example as to why our community is in the bad shape that its being left in by our so-called staff, I only need one example to prove why I am right.

Crushing clicks his mouse, pulling his PowerPoint onto the big screen, and he displays the only slide.

image.jpg

The crowd immediately mehs in unison.

Crushing: Now that is exactly how I hoped you'd react. And just why does this single, solitary member incite such harsh, hostile feelings? Is it because he doesn't share the same opinions as you do? Is it because he actually challenges you to question what you believe in? Suffice to say, you are all thoroughly brainwashed, meticulously manipulated into vehemently disagreeing not just with him, but with anyone else with an opinion anywhere close to his. That is something that I simply refuse to stand for, so I will indeed take a stand against such a divisive agenda brought upon us by our very own staff. The road that our community has been on these last couple of years has been a windy one, at best. Full of holes and unnecessary bumps that they already have the tools with which to fix, yet they continue to outright refuse and reject. For a mindset that pushes so-called "progression", why is our activity levels being left to rot?! Why are members feeling left out?! Why are we being left behind?! The road that I envision us, as a community, to be progressing on, is one free of holes and bumps. It is a road that will see a healthy flow of site traffic. It is a road that shall be patrolled by truly capable and qualified moderators at any and all times. It is a road that is straight and narrow with no turns in sight, but especially

image.jpg

Crushing: NO LEFT TURNS. 

Crushing is met with a more mixed reaction this time around.

Crushing: I am entirely aware that the powers that be around here are so inclined to see this and twist it around in a humorous way that serves to try and get them and their leftist agenda over with the populace. Well, the joke's on them because I am still here and this is no joke. This community and what it truly stands for is no joke, and to see them publicly treat it as such, well, shame on them as well. Because next thing we know, we have communist Buzz Lightyears running roughshod over SBM, and I refuse to see the same happen to my community. I am Crushingmayhem, and for my order of business in ushering in a better SpongeBob Community, I shall do what no one else on the staff has ever bothered doing. I will actually take out the real trash around here, by completely neutralizing my opponent here this evening! My opponent is somebody who serves no purpose other than to take up valuable space and to be the poster boy of this community gone wrong. My opponent is also somebody that embodies the absolute hypocrisy in one our community's leaders, namely Mr Dr Professor Patrick. He wants to go ahead and make blogs condemning multiple accounts, when he and his brother have made one, themselves. Not on my watch. Tonight, that shit ends.

Crushing discards his mic and removes his suit to reveal his ring gear underneath.

OMJ: Crushing, making an emphatic statement here tonight in his campaign for a better SpongeBob Community and he is looking to turn those words into actions! Just who will be used to push his agenda tonight?! I'm sure some of you might already get the idea.

 

One of the captcha security knocks on the sharing time of a member backstage. The door opens and out comes #swag, looking plumped and ready to fight for his community.

image.jpg
image.jpg

OMJ: Holy fucking shit, that's gotta be #swag! Fuck me, and here I thought it was gonna be revealed that hilaryfan80 and Face were actually the same person.

Crowd: #SWAG-BERG! #SWAG-BERG! #SWAG-BERG! #SWAG-BERG! #SWAG-BERG!

image.jpg

OMJ: For those who haven't been keeping up, the last time #swag was in the Deathmatch ring, it was in a losing attempt against The Velveteenj during Deathmatch Tag Team Title Tournament. Of course, The Veleveteenj and Crushingmayhem are in different leagues from each other, but #swag is about go up against a member who has proven to never say die! Even in the face of defeat at Aya's hand, Crushing would just carry along and live on! Aya required some much needed assistance to domthe dirty deed, but what chance does #swag have in overcoming the "Crusher of Mayhem"?

15237650032857222.gif

Crowd: ♪LIFE IS A MYYYYYSTERY! EVERYONE MUST STAAAAND AAAALONE! I HEAR YOU CAAAALLLL MY NAME! AND IT FEELS LIKE...

OMJ: Perhaps the most over Face has ever been with community. 

image.jpg

Crowd: HOME!♪

15237653562857259.gif
15237654562055974.gif

Crowd: ♪When you call my name it's like a little prayer! I'm down on my knees, I wanna take you there! In the midnight hour I can feel your power! Just like a prayer you know I'll take you there!♪

OMJ: And just like that, it's almost as if we have been teleported back to 2015! You won't see a bunch of characters singing along to Madonna in any other SBC lit because they all suuuuuck but that besides the point. My god, I almost forgot how much of a fucking cheap ass pop this guy is. No wonder the song that's a metaphor for blowjobs is his theme. I sure hope Crushing kills this shmuck to save me the trouble. But nevertheless, here he is! The embodiment of SBC's leftist agenda, as Crushing puts it! Complete with fanny pack! Don't know if I'll exactly use hilaryfan80 as an example, but whatever works for him!

#swag steps into the ring and squares up with Crushing, who is keeping up his neutral stance.

OMJ: And once again, moderating this bout is none other than the OG Referee, Elastic Dog! I sure hope Cha's happy.

Elastic: Alright you two, I want a good, clean fight- ah fuck it, do shit like in the last match. That was actually pretty arthouse. Any last requests?

Crush: You are already dead.

#swag: yo yo yo! I am the swaggiest of the swaggerts coming to you here live on the SBC swiggity swack!

OMJ: Well that didn't sound politically correct at all. 

Elastic: LET'S GET IT ON!

Elastic calls for the bell and Crushing immediately goes on the attack, decking #swag with a thunderous clothesline before asserting his authority over the multiple by wrestling any opinion he may have into submission.

OMJ: Crushing wasting no time in trying to systematically take down the system by grappling his opponent into submission much like how he perceives the staff to be doing!

Crushing keeps firm control until the hilaryfan80 and Face starts to show in #swag, and he begins to mount a strong counter argument against Crushing. Crushing counters by continuously trying to literally put a lock on #swag in an effort to stop him from posting and getting his piece out. Wrist lock, armlock, hammerlock, key lock, chin lock, headlock, leg lock, wrist watch, all in an attempt to put #swag down for good.

OMJ: Crushing putting his two years worth of experience as an SBC mod to pristine use here! I haven't quite seen this sort of display of lock mastery by a staff member, both past and present, in the Deathmatch ring before! He has definitely learned from the mistakes made against Aya!

But despite Crushing's best excuses to lock him up, #swag manages to use the hilaryfan80 in him to counter with some masterful technical moves of his own.

OMJ: But at the very same time, #swag is proving himself to be just as handy! This is a totally different #swag than what we are accustomed to seeing!

Crushing: Alright, this is has gone on ridiculously longer than I had anticipated. I've already been going at this x5. I never thought I'd ever have to do this against the likes of you, but I did have my suspicions that I would. I made a fatal mistake by not using this against Aya, but I won't make that kind of mistake again.

Crushing drops some personal baggage and boosts his activity levels up.

Crushing: Actividado Impulso x10!

Crushing goes back on the offensive, this time beating #swag into submission.

OMJ: Crushing has just boosted his activity levels out of sheer force of will and with such control! This is the Crushing that actually proved a challenge against me during our Games rape sessions back in 2013! Crushing is in top posting form!

Crushing continues his barrage until #swag suddenly begins to block each of his attacks.

Crushing: ¡Aye dios mio! What is the meaning of this?

#swag: x4uFr2g.jpg

OMJ: I believe #swag is actually blocking the haters! The haters in question here being Crushing!

#swag posts that right onto Crushing's face with a staple gun and proceeds to punish him 10 times as worse.

#swag: I HAVE SO MUCH SWAG, I LEAVE A TRAIL OF SWAG WHEREVER I GO!

Crushing tries to follow up on him, but he only gets caught up in the trail of swag that #swag is leaving behind.

OMJ: Certainly Crushing never anticipated a trail of pure, concentrated swag to be littering his roadway!

#swag plants Crushing with some swagplexes, a powerswag and then finally throwing Crushing into the ropes for a swinging sidewalk swag. This all serves to frustrate Crushing even further.

Crushing: No, I will not left laying like this. I refuse!

Crushing's activity levels rises even more as he drops any and all emotional baggage such as Puerto Rico from his real life in order boost his activity even further online.

Crushing: ¡ACTIVIDADO IMPULSO x20!

OMJ: You have gotta be kidding me?! Crushing is skyrocketing well beyond the legal limit for what is considered to be healthy activity levels! If he keeps this up, his life will be in shambles even if he wins!

Crushing's latest activity boost gives him the needed oomph to make mince meat of #swag's hater defense. He assaults #swag with a barrage of meaningful posts before grabbing his left arm and placing it in a hammerlock. He then grabs #swag's face by the nostrils and wrenches both #swag's arm and nose back mercilessly.

Crushing: Your "progression" ends here.

But before Crushing can deal the final blow, the entire arena begins to ooze with an unknown white sticky substance. OMJ begins to notice his broadcast booth oozing with it now.

OMJ: What the fuck is that- oh shit. Oh fucking shit! I think I know this shit better than anyone!

The entire arena starts to flood in whatever it is.

OMJ: THE DEATHMATCH ARENA IS OOZING SWAG!! Ahh! Made you all think it was something else, didn't I? :troll:

The entire arena is fully engulfed in swag as #swag swagbends that shit into Crushing, pushing him away and silencing him with sheer swag alone. #swag begins to drown the entire arena in his swag, taking just about everybody else out along with Crushing. Crushing tries to some sort of pocket to breathe and let his opinions out, but the swag is too much and leaves no room to breathe. Meanwhile, OMJ is hanging in there by doing what he's usually been doing when it came to #swag throughout the years, ignoring his posts. Elastic actually liked his first post before, so he's not too lucky right now. Crushing can feel his online life slowly slip away the longer he remains submerged in swag. His online life starts to flash before his eyes from his days on tv.com to the Avatar Mocvt Refuge and then finally SBC. He begins to contemplate whether or not it was really worth coming back and staying to continue his fight for a better SpongeBob Community. I mean, his real life didn't flash before his eyes because he had already discarded it in order to increase his activity. Was it all for naught? Will the opinions of him and a few other users be silenced no matter what he can accomplish? Is the SpongeBob Community really beyond saving? Is really as neutral as he thinks? Crushing, with the last ounces of life he has left in his account, begins to think about what could be without SBC in his life. Before accepting death's cold embrace, Crushing finally decides to leave SBC behind him, feeling as though he's served no purpose both in real life and online. He sinks deeper into the swag, drowning in it.

OMJ: fuck this.

OMJ gulps as he takes it upon himself to kill #swag in order to prevent his own death at the hands of such a shitty member, but all the swag in the entire arena suddenly begins to flood out onto the rest of the community, taking a good fraction of the audience flowing away with it. #swag is legit shooked yo when he looks to see that hole has been made in one of the arena's walls, and standing firmly in front of the hole was none other than Crushingmayhem. OMJ finally comes to in the downed broadcast booth.

OMJ: What the flying fuc- no. No no no no. No! No fucking way!

 

We see that Crushing's account was enveloped in strange gray aura with a slight red tinge. Crushing's eyes were now gray, almost silvery. Crushing is feeling rather average towards the whole thing.

image.jpg

OMJ: Ha-Has Crushing achieved true neutrality?!

Crushing slowly begins his trek back to the ring, where #swag remains.

https://youtu.be/yi4Hnaj74pQ

#swag: ai8Jt7L.gif

#swag's swag begins to intensify and he resumes his swaggy attack, but Crushing manages to dance around the issue effortlessly, dodging each of #swag's attacks. #swag's swag and sag flares out of control, the harder he tries to land a swaggy attack on Crush, who continues shrugging past everything that comes his way. 

OMJ: Crushing is paying absolutely no mind to #swag's bloated opinion of himself, dancing entirely around him! A bit spineless, some might say, but it's a strategy that's proving to work, at least for now! I don't think he's even noticing it at the rate he's brushing right past it all!

Crushing fully makes his way toward #swag and decides to get back on the offensive, pounding away at #swag's hater blocking defenses. He effortlessly manages to break through the blockers and proceeds to surprise #swag with a flurry of rights and lefts, causing his rolls to roll over. However, Crushing could feel that his attacks and arguments were starting to have no weight behind them anymore and #swag was getting smart to it, so Crushing began to push #swag back by putting more energy into his stiff right hands,  but relying on his beliefs was causing that great surge in his activity to deplete, so Crushing pulled back in order to make it last just long enough for one more move. Crushing picks up his "No Left Turns" sign from the corner and charges at #swag with it, who counters back with more swagtastic maneuvers that I'll leave to your imaginations.

#swag: My #SWAG level too much for you to comprehend! So I'll make it easier for you!

#swag comes flailing with some wiggity whacks, but Crushing dances around them all and jams the post of his sign down #swag's throat, impaling it right through his body. The sign exits out through #swag's butthole penetrating right through it Cannibal Holocaust style. Crushing's state of "true neutrality" fully depletes and as he posts the sign, and #swag, right in the middle of the ring. Elastic surveys the damage and raises Crushing's hand in victory.

Elastic: WINNER, CRUSHING!

Crushing's state of "true neutrality" has fully dissipated as he updates the "How are you feeling emotionally" thread with "bored but mad that the power is now out".

OMJ: What a showcase of forum strength by Crushingmayhem, showing, once again, exactly why he is among Community Deathmatch's above average! He's not one of the best, because I'm THE best and I have absolutely no equals. Just stating the facts. But what could tapping into that kind of power possibly mean for Crushing and his campaign going forward? Has he truly become "The Neutral Guy"?! These are the questions that will just have to be answered some other day because I'm afraid we are all out of time! I'm Old Man Jenkins saying...neutral fight...neutral night.

 

The post credits scene opens up to jjs and Hayden on the main page of SBC, where majority of the swag flooded out onto. They're cleaning some of the swag off of themselves as they survey the community about possible cleanup efforts. Jjs starts up a private conversation between them.

Jjs: That mothrafucker, Crush. I know he did this on purpose just to spite me. Goddammit, Hayden, I thought you made sure that he'd be gone on break?! A least for a while!

Hayden: Hey, I did! I did everything humanly possible that could break a man's spirit! But I guess it's like what people say, right? Crushing never says die.

Jjs: Break a man's spirit? Wha- lolwhat are you talking about?

Hayden: It's what you told me to do, best buddy!

Jjs: I said to lay it on him thick while stressing the fact that he should take a break and come back renewed.

Hayden: Renewed?! That's not what you told me. You said he was incapable, that he needed to be taken out of the equation. And THAT is exactly what I thought I did without straight up killing the sheep! What I did was what I consider to be "merciful enough" in my book.

Jjs: Well, now we're really gonna have to straight up kill the fucker. I never thought he'd ever take things this far.

Hayden: Tell me. Did he do it? Has actually attained true neutrality?

Jjs: I've never seen Neutral Instinct for myself, but if I did, I'd say that was just about damn near it. And here I thought it was just an old wives tale, some article of fake news that gave people hope that their neutral opinions actually mean't something worth a damn. To be perfectly honest right now, it scares the shit out of me to know that that inconsistent, contradicting piece of- ...holds that kind of power over us.

Hayden: We'll stop him, jjs. All he did tonight was just expose the hilaryfan80 agenda as being the weak minded fucking bullshit that it really is, anyone could've done that! Before Crushing or his campaign can gain anymore traction, I'll stop it my own goddamn self if I have to! I promise you that, jjs.

Jjs: You don't know how glad I am to hear that, my dear friend. It's comforting to know that I can depend on at least somebody on here. Because I'm holding you to that, Hayden. Now, if you will excuse me, this is something that obviously needs to be made light of in the Industrial Park. I'll make sure to get right on that.

Jjs leaves Hayden to himself.

Hayden: ...Hey, I'm always good for lighting up any mood, just saying! PM me later...?Damn it all to HFIL, I'll FUCKING CRUSH Crush.

  • Like 3
  • Happy 1
  • God Himself 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

...Huh. This is absolutely true, but what do I care? I'm just some moron who just wants to go about his business reviewing underground obscure music, posting lits, and just lurking.

In any case, good job, even if my overall opinion is "eh".

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fantastic episode, even if swag is so overused. Crushing should've gone up against succ.

3 hours ago, Shinji Ikari said:

...Huh. This is absolutely true, but what do I care? I'm just some moron who just wants to go about his business reviewing underground obscure music, posting lits, and just lurking.

In any case, good job, even if my overall opinion is "eh".

You are well on your way to achieving true neutrality, young grasshopper.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, it's just posts!


Make Sure To Meh Cerebus the Reboot Right Now on iTunes!


https://youtu.be/zW6MBRFCtcY

OMJ: Welcome death fans around the World Wide Web, to one of the longest running, most inconsistently scheduled episodic lits in Spinoff/Lit history! Welcome to Community Deathmatch! I am your host for the remainder of our run, Old Man Jenkins! And speaking of inconsistently scheduled, tonight we shall see Renegade the Unicorn, himself, make his much anticipated return to the Deathmatch Arena in order to plug whatever new project he has going on this time up his ass before pooping it right down our throats. So without anymore further ado, ladies and gentlemen-

???: *completely obnoxious and somewhat unnecessary throat clearing*

OMJ: Well that isn't completely obnoxious. Just who in the bluest of all hells might this be?

Omair: Llamas and gay squids, your future Most Active User, as well as your NEW Featured Employee for Spring 2018! The Modern Day Maharrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrawat, SPONGEODDFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

https://youtu.be/3wZboDbgiW4

image.jpg

The crowd erupts with a bit of a mixed reaction this time for the Maharawat. Some profound likes and even some happys can be seen amongst the sea of mehs and sads. SOF has managed to win some of the member and guest base over with his gutsy performance against Trophy. Either that, or they're just for Omair.

OMJ: Albeit unscheduled, but "The Modern Day Maharawat" is certainly wasting little to no time in somehow finding a way to cheapen and taint this achievement he has certainly earned for himself after such a passionate performance against my protégée, Trophy "The Trash Man" Stealer. Both members took each other to the zenith of both their limits, but *holds in laughter* bah gawd, I can't even sell that with the slightest bit of sincerity! Let us just watch how he fucks this up for himself!

SOF is shown to now be standing in the ring with Omair and Harish each standing at his side.

SOF: it's funny how even in defeat, your Maharawat can still reign supreme above all! Anyone and Webby's mother can claim all they want about how "they are SBC's Most Active User", I should know, I just that had Omair do just that during my intro. But, nobody can dare ever lay claim to being SBC's Featured Employee....of Spring 2018! Just take a good- sorry, should I say, neutral look at our last featured employee during the previous winter quarter, Crushing Mayhem. I mean, just what the Christ did he even do? But more importantly, what exactly did this community gain from featuring him in the spotlight? Absolutely nothing! He was handed the spotlight by doing nothing, and in return, he gave back NOTHING! His entire SBC career summed up in one word, "NOTHING"! Yeah, that wasn't some "Neutral Instinct" that he achieved, what he really achieved last time was a whole lot of NOTHING against some NOTHING member! It takes a real special kind of member to achieve the kind of greatness that I have, even in defeat! I've based my entire SBC career around that. I've managed to take L's like SECC and ATTWL 3, and I turned them into results!

OMJ: Disastrous results? Definitely.

SOF: So instead of all you people acting as if Crushing attaining some true neutrality bullshit is the end of the world, why don't you all start to realizing that me winning anything on my own around here is a celestial event that is to be considered much, much worse! 

OMJ: Yes, something like that is quite the "Rarity"! I'll stop.

SOF: Yes, you heard me correctly. Much like how I didn't need the assistance of Omair and Harish during my match with Trophy, I sure as hell don't need your pity likes or thanks or happys because they are all about as empty as both your hearts and your brains! Don't insult MY intelligence by pretending that any of you people have even learned to tolerate my presence around here now! I can still see the disdain in your replied and loathing in your ask threads whenever I take the time out of my day to be a decent human being to you people! I don't need to the straddle the line, I don't need to walk a very thin line when dealing with you hypocrites. I certainly don't have to rely on being something so spineless as "being neutral"!

The crowd slowly begins turning on SOF.

SOF: I've only been featured now because I finally made you all realize just how hypocritical you are really are, that is the true hallmark of this achievement of mine. If you all are being "so sincere" about it, why not go the extra mile and just name me the Featured Employee for the rest of this year? Why stop there, how's about for the rest of this decade?! Maybe even extend it into the next?! I demand the proper respect that I truly deserve!

The crowd erupts in mehs and confuseds.

SOF: That's what I thought, too much to ask for. Nothing but hypocrites right down to each and everyone of your very cores.

https://youtu.be/4cSZ3Vsugso

The crowd immediately all meh even more.

tumblr_onrq3l9kFP1s05wxzo6_400.gif

image.jpg

OMJ: Ladies and gentlemen, things have officially gone from bad to worse! Sure looking as if he just wrapped up yet another year at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry if those floating candles are anything to go by, Renegade the Unicorn is coming out here not to his usual entrance routine. But perhaps even more alarming, he's coming out here without his very noticeable, trademark raging boner! This is very unlike him, folks. Quite honestly, that glaring detail very well may scare me even more than SOF achieving anything on his own, hell, it's even giving Crushing achieving true neutrality a run for his money in my book! Much like the chances of him seeing any of his many projects to pass, that's just something that you can not see happening!

Renegade enters the ring and is handed a mic of his own.

Renegade: I couldn't help but take notice that you seem to think that everybody here are just all readily against you based off of pure instinct. Were you not paying attention to the initial reaction you got compared the reaction I got just now? Some of these people, they've at least grown to actually like you. Myself, on the other hand, no matter what I do, it just NEVER seems enough to get any of them to like me. In fact, I seem to recall you, yourself, giving me and some of my written works grief not too long ago. You went so out of your way to react negatively at any opportunity you got, and for what, exactly? To try and get a rise out of me? To provoke me into giving your resident ass-to-kiss, Jjs, a more valid reason to want to ban me? To try and goad me into a public spat that I most certainly would lose in the eyes of everyone no matter how much in the right I really was? You all seem to think I'm some dumb, clueless idiot, but even I'm aware enough to see that. I'm so sick of seeing you try to degrade my work. I'm so tired of heading you bitch and complain about wanting something that you already have! Something that I have more of a right to bitch and complain about, yet you don't see me doing that now, do you? Those opportunities and that respect that you receive from these people, your peers, those are things that I could never hope to have. And why? Because I'm not afraid to say what is exactly on my mind much like how everyone else here is completely free to say exactly what is on theirs?! I don't stoop down to everybody's level. I don't get wise about it, I don't attack, I don't victimize. I try to salvage whatever decent debate I can get out of any of you and then I force myself to take my lumps at your hands because most none of you seem to know how to take other opinions not quite like yours the way that I can! You are every bit the precious snowflakes that I know you all really are, and you've turned SBC into your own personal safe spaces. A lot of you sure like to talk down to Brian Wilson, but I feel you all could learn a thing or two about love and mercy from the man, for you all sorely lack in both those departments. 

SOF: You can't be that deluded k? You seriously believe these people are just baselessly mehing on you? All this talk about debates coming from the guy who legit thought DACA was about abortion! You couldn't begin to debate your way out of a cardboard box. You prance about your "opinions" around here as if you know any and everything there is to know about what's going on in the world, yet you only know what your brain will allow. Your grip on reality is seriously on the decline if you've fooled yourself into believing that what you said regarding Charlottesville belongs in any sort of discussion.

Renegade: It was my opinion.

SOF: And this is mine k? You get after us for making safe spaces, take a good, hard look into the mirror, snowflake. When push comes to shove, where do you and your opinions go? Into the nearest corner lying in fetal position. You can't even form an argument, let alone a strong one. You always crumble under the pressure and the real you always come out when you hide yourself away like a coward! You even go so far as to use others YouTube videos to try and drive whatever point you're trying make home. People don't like you because they don't respect you, that much is true, but really, what is there for anyone to respect? At least I can command respect, you can't even stand on your own two feet long enough to even warrant it. And coming from somebody like me, that says a a lot!

Renegade: Well, coming from somebody like you, you really should know. Majority of your sports jargon on the shoutbox is just you coming off every bit as clueless about sports outside of knowing just the basic Canadian teams. Trophy is left carrying your ass all the time in your convos. At least I have the sense and the balls to try and be my own person, you just come off as a glorified ass kisser. You don't command respect, you're just a liability and a burden on people's shoulders who is only tolerated because they feel sorry for you. Pity is an entirely different ball field from respect, my friend. Oh wait, that's a sports analogy, I'm sure that's gonna go flying above your head just like everything else. I don't settle for anyone's pity. I'm not gonna "fool myself", all that you said is entirely true, but what do I care? I'm just some moron who wants to go about his business reviewing underground obscure music, posting lits and just lurking. So good job, even if my overall opinion is "eh".

SOF: Tell me, Ren, just what is your opinion on the KKK?

Renegade: ...I have no opinion on the KKK!

https://youtu.be/yi4Hnaj74pQ

tumblr_oprpsyIAIW1sj4xr4o1_500.gif

Ren attempts a quick ass Fade to White, but SOF pulls his head back in time to avoid making contact with Ren's boot. Ren attempts two knee lifts, but SOF manages to block each strike before walloping Ren with a thunderous elbow to the skull.

mahal_balor_elbow_360-1.gif?w=650

OMJ: Things have gotten out of control out here real fucking long if you actually read all of that! Somebody get a goddamn ref down here! Because we all know how consistent CAPTCHA can be.

Elastic sprints out to try and get in before the eventual lock if this were to go on unsanctioned any longer.

tenor.gif

Elastic manages to separate the two into their own corners of the ring.

Elastic: Alright you two try hards, I want a good, clean fight! But do know that here in the Deathmatch Arena, you ARE given free reign to attack others opinions! Any last requests?!

SOF: Your assistance isn't needed here.

SOF orders, dismissing both Omair and Harish from ringside.

Harish: But my Maharawat, what about last time??

SOF: This time is a whole lot different. Go! Your Maharawat commands it!

Omair: Whsn KI get 1 am fold to watch b9o but it doesnt hulu come out till like 3 am :laugh: 

Omair and Harish reluctantly make their way to the back.

Renegade: Why does Omair type like that? No offense, but I have a hard time trying to find out what he's saying. Type normally, that's my last request :funny:

Omair rushes over uppercuts Ren in the nuts from outside the ring. Ren kneels over in a world of hurt.

Omair: Idk Ren its almost like it was 1 am and I was really tired from a night of studying bio and failing to do chem problems and autocorrect was off, though idk maybe thats nothin g compared to that potions class?

Elastic reprimands Omair and evicts both him and Harish from the ring, but not before raising Omair's arm up in victory to a pop of likes, thanks and God Himselfs from the crowd

Elastic: Good luck trying to top that one, fellas.

Ren struggles to pull himself back up to his feet, but Elastic gives him little to no time to recover.

Elastic: LET'S GET IT ON!

OMJ: SOF! RENEGADE! Who will come out of this thing looking ever so slightly more credible than they did before stepping into this ring?! HERE. WE. GO!

SOF comes straight out of the gate and attacks Ren's opinions mercilessly in the corner, having the time of his life picking Ren apart and actually being above somebody on the SBC totem pole for once. Ren is barely even putting up a fight, not even doing so much as guarding himself from SOF's assault.

OMJ: SOF going on the offensive at breakneck speed, almost quite literally at the rate Ren is continuing to not defend his opinions, a vital weak point for SOF to exploit exponentially!

SOF barrages Renegade with a new move in his arsenal called the DACAttack.

OMJ: SOF is already taking complete utter advantage of Ren's prior knowledge, or lack thereof, of the DACA debacle! And still, Ren neglects to defend himself! He said previously that he has been on the cusps of losing battles before, but made sure to avoid any bloodshed to prevent any punishment from being brought down on himself! He now finds himself in a life or death battle, something that he is certainly no stranger to at this point. He previously managed to pick up a huge upset victory over Bad Reviews Halibut in his first Deathmatch outing! His most recent foray into the community of Deathmatch was in the Tag Team Title Tournament that was held last month, being teamed up with his idol and president of the United States, Donald Trump! Together, they managed to crush the dreams of the Dream Team, Crushing and Jelly, before being unceremoniously ousted from the tournament when President Trump revealed himself to merely be jjsthekid in disguise in yet another attempt on jjs' part to dwindle the competition! Could that event possibly have left Ren a broken man? Having your relationship with someone you hold in especially high regard, to have that all suddenly be revealed as just being based on a lie, it's sure to leave its scars on a person's mind, no matter who they are. And believe me, I know that feeling all too well, speaking from a very personal place here. Ren just might be wanting to check out at this point. According to him, there is just no winning his fellow forum goers over anymore, The Supremacy was a lie, his two girlfriends and his online sex life have both been MIA for well almost two years now since he's joined. He seems to have nothing left here anymore. All of these are telling signs that he just might be ready to sign out permanently. Given his performance, or lack thereof, here so far, this may just be Ren's last hurrah! What a whimper to want to go out on, folks. It almost pains even me to watch.

Ren continues to take the full brunt of SOF's offensive right to the opinions. However, deep within the machinations that is the enigma of his mind, he's already been enacting a game plan.

Renegade: (If Crushing can do it, so can I. If I empty my mind, let go of all attachments, my opinions will even out and neutralize on their own.)

SOF: Time to do this site a favor!

Ren: ...Screw it...

SOF goes for a final, fatal blow right in Ren's thoughts on The Bungles. Ren, not feeling anymore neutral, decides to finally break character and makes an attempt to save his own life by blocking the hit with a live performance video by Primus. This causes SOF to hit the play button instead and their music fills the arena.

Renegade: IMO, this is a great performance. Srsly, check them out if you like weird and quirky thrash-funk metal.

SOF: Only a fool would take recommendations from the likes of you!

Cha: No they won't.

They begin trading lowkey stiff shots with each other. Ren has had plenty of experience going against the likes of Tron, so he slowly wins out in this exchange. He then gives SOF the runaround.

dbb1fed6e6f26343859da07ead64b6bb18dad3ed

image.jpg

Renegade: Thoughts?

SOF charges to kick Ren as he's seated, but Ren ducks by flinging himself and kips himself back up to his feet. SOF turns around right into another Fade to White.

tenor.gif

However, unlike most who have eaten Ren's signature move, SOF remains perfectly standing on his feet. SOF pulls his head and neck back and looks Ren right in the eye, seemingly unharmed and smirking with glee.

OMJ: I-I don't believe it, folks. Ren just showed that there is a sign of life and a spark of hope still left in him after taking a brutal bashing for majority of this match up, and now, even after hitting his opponent with a move that's been proven to be a one-shot kill for him before, SOF appears as though it hasn't even affected him at all!

SOF goads Ren into hitting him with it again and Ren obliges with another quick and power-packing Fade to White, but this time, SOF wastes zero time in immediately no-selling it. 

rvvKnzs.gif

SOF: Your word bears no weight!

Ren has little time to process this before SOF goes on yet another attack on his character. SOF pummels Ren with a litany of very stiff shots, some even managing to shatter his bones on contact. Ren begins coughing up blood as he tries to mount a counter argument, but again, it does nothing to faze SOF, who punishes him more brutally with each futile attempt.

SOF: Look at you, it's as if you were born with glass bones and paper skin. You are every bit as fragile as you say we are!

♪"Out among Squidward's House I posted, way beyond Robot-Pirate Island
On my high horse I posted, a debate that ended too soon"♪

Ren continues to try putting up a fight, but SOF mehs him at every turn.

♪"Now I know exactly who I am and what I'm here for
And I will go post no more"♪

Ren tries bringing up those obscure music reviews he mentioned in his promo earlier in an effort to finally put a real dent into SOF, but "The Modern Day Maharawat" mehs those down to. Ren then tries bringing back Disney's SMiLE, Cerebus, Warhammer 40,000: Underhive, MR: Masked Rider, and Paranoia, but SOF mehs them all down mercilessly just the same.

OMJ: Ren is calling upon the entire Reneverse and beyond to help him stay in this fight!

♪"All the things I thought I'd do, all the brave things I'd done
Vanished like precious snowflakes with the rising of other opinions"♪

With those works having failed him, Ren brings up Club SBC, and all the great things that he has planned for it, in order to do some serious damage, but all those great ideas, those big plans he had planned for it, all crumbled under the mehs of SOF.

Renegade: Fly true, Cerebus the Reboot.

Renegade mutters to himself as he sends the full force of his upcoming Cerebus the Aardvark reboot at SOF, who mehs it out of the sky before it even had a chance to properly take off. With no other choice, Ren is forced to bring up his franchise player of the entire Reneverse. Ren assaults SOF with the storied tale of Power Rangers: Multiverse Force. The force of the Multiverse Force is actually enough to push back SOF's mehing rampage, but it turns out to all be a ruse when SOF smirks back and effortlessly mehs the Multiverse Force, all seven pages of it, into oblivion. SOF smacks dat meh right onto Renegade's throat. Ren staggers back, completely at a loss for words and having no idea on what to do for his next move.

♪"Nevermore to express myself in ways that no member has expressed before
And I will go post no more..."

OMJ: Not even the entire Reneverse can give Ren's word any weight! Ladies and gentlemen, I don't even know if this is a testament to just how much stronger SOF has become as a member, or just how far Ren has fallen as one in comparison to the likes of SOF!

SOF places Ren in a cobra clutch, strangling him of anymore opinions, anymore thoughts, that he may have left in him.

giphy.gif

SOF: I know what you trying to pull earlier, when the match first started. That's just like you, isn't it? Seeing something someone does and trying to spin up your own version of it. Someone crafts their own interwoven universe, you try making your own. Someone makes a club dedicated to said universe, you try making your own. Someone so much as makes an ask thread in said club about said universe, there you are making one of your own. Sauce is out there making music and there you are trying to come off as musically gifted as you can possibly make yourself out to be without any talent or skill whatsoever. Sad really, I was actually looking forward to testing my worth against such a spineless stance like Neutral Instinct. Unfortunately for you

DefenselessLeftBlowfish-max-1mb.gif

SOF: you can't even get being neutral right! You are crused man, Renegade. Crused with a lack of knowledge.

SOF then drives the point and Ren into the ring canvas with The Cruse of SOF.

UnpleasantRegalAardvark-size_restricted.

SOF leaves Ren laying as he goes towards the nearest corner turnbuckles and ascends up onto it, scouting out Renegade down below.

OMJ: Oh my- dear fucking Neptune, SOF appears to be going for SOF's Exciting Critic Corner an unprecedented third time! The first two attempts ended in complete disaster for the Maharawat, the last time proving to be quite fatal against Trophy! Will the third time be the charm?! He has absolutely, and quite shockingly, dominated this matchup thus far, but will all that momentum he's built up til now come to a screeching halt if this fails once again?! 

Back on the mat, Ren laid deep in thought. He thought about how everything he had done these last almost two years since he's joined, have all amounted to nothing at this point. His opinions are frowned upon, and because of that, so are his works in the eyes of almost everyone. He could try rebooting everything about him as many times as he wants, but perhaps SOF was right. Maybe he is cursed with no hope of breaking the mold he's found himself trapped in. Ren literally threw everything he worked so hard for away in this deathmatch for nothing. His words have become nothing. He feels nothing, as posted in the "how are you feeling (emotionally)" thread. He's become nothing in the eyes of his peers. For the first time in his SBC career, he's truly stopped caring. Ren can feel his thoughts, views and opinions wash away from his mind like the nothing that they really are. He could feel the power and the weight of neutrality finally flowing through him, but he thought nothing of it. It was merely nothing to him.

♪"But no, it can't be true! I could debate if I wanted to"♪

It was just that. True neutrality meant nothing to him. It was not what brought him this far, it was his opinions, his views, his thoughts that brought him to this point. And he left all of them behind him for nothing. By doing that, he was doing exactly what the left wanted him to do. He did become weak and fragile, but not no more. Renegade gets right back up to his feet and meets SOF on the top turnbuckle before he could fully execute the Exciting Critic Corner, pelting the Maharawat with some vicious right hands.

OMJ: You have gotta be kidding me?! After all of that, Renegade has somehow found a will to go on and take the fight right back to his opponent with some pretty heavy-handed jabs this time around!

Ren grabs SOF and hoists him for what could very well be a superplex off the top ropes.

♪"Like Trump in the election if I believe I can win, why I'D WIIIIIIIIIIIIN"♪

But SOF manages to keep himself grounded and throws Ren down to the mat instead. Before he even has time to breathe, Ren comes right back for more right hands, but SOF manages to grab his hand and count Ren right back into a cobra clutch.

SOF: A fruitless, yet noble effort, Ren. Sticking to you second amendment rights and to your guns til the very end. Sad that your thoughts and opinions just suck that much!

SOF lands another devastating Cruse of SOF onto Ren from the top rope. With Ren in an even more vulnerable position than before, SOF once again looks to bring back his Exciting Critic Corner. Ren is knocked down on the canvas with nothing left to do other than to just stare up at the lights of the arena. 

♪" Clearly I will go post nooooo moooooore..."♪

The reality of his limits dawn upon him right as SOF dawns on him, as well. Everything then fades to white.

OMJ: SOF'S EXCITING CRITIC CORNER CONNECTS! For the first time in SBC history, SOF has done the impossible! Something has actually clicked for him with some good results! 

Elastic: WINNER, SOF!

OMJ: The deed has been done! SOF's Exciting Critic Corner has forced Ren into dead silence! What better way to throw salt on the wound than by referencing Ren's most despised spin-off! And what a way to go out than by the hands of SOF and his : laugh : Exciting Critic Corner! I'm sorry, it's just that I truly never thought we'd ever see the day, but Ren sure helped to make it happen! That is truly one thing he can for sure look back and be proud of!

https://youtu.be/0wymm2l-kt8

  • God Himself 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...