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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, just blame it on Lilcorey!

 

In Case You Forgot

We pick back up where we left off. Aya is just making her leave from the Deathmatch Arena, briefcase still high above her head. Jjs and Hayden have both left the arena through the crowd at this point and Fred is being tended to by Mr Dr Professor Patrick and some of the top servers he code come up with. They help a still not dead Fred up to his feet to a standing ovation from the crowd. He acknowledges their applause and praise with a grateful "k" before finally heading to the back to get proper medical attention. Suddenly the crowd are treated to a surprise appearance from newest SBC member, @PaperSMG4!

Paper makes his way down to the ring with a disappointed look on his face so he grabs a microphone to let his voice be heard.

PaperSMG: Ummmm, aren't we forgetting somebody here? Oh. Idk. Perhaps the newest hottest free agent to grace this goddamn site! I mean, really, is it really that hard to remember a guy who just joined this fucking forum! My god, it says so on the front freaking page! Get with the fucking program and get with fucking times, old man! You just forgot me! Me, PaperSMG!

PaperSMG is suddenly interrupted by a somewhat familiar face here on Community Deathmatch, finally making his return.

@Supergameman: What's Up?
I don't need you to answer me so shut the fuck up!
What's up? What's up? What's up?

Ask thread over there, what's up?
I DON'T NEED YOU TO ANSWER ME SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!
What's up? (What's up?) What's up? (What's up?)
What's up? (What's up?) What's up? (What's up?)
You can play with this!

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Or you can play with that!

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You better play with this

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'Cause this is where it's at!
What's up?! (What's up?!)
What's up?! (What's up?!)

I be sittin' and wonderin', "where's the competition?"
Y'all makin' em disappear like your favorite magician!
I play them motherfuckers til the topic goes off
I bump em back to back til they rules get soft
Most of the time you see me, I'm tryin' to keep em alive!
While most of y'all ask and wait for them to die!
I'm statin' my claim to fame!
To be the baddest ass playa to step foot in these Games!
And I haven't even played some of em yet
But you can best believe Imma win em off a sure shot bet
What's up?!

Crowd: What's up?!

Supergameman: What's up?!

Crowd: What's up?!

Supergameman: BOO!

Comment on the signature above you like there's NO TIME LEFT
I said stuff that SBCers would never say, and then I lost my breath!
Baby that's what happens when you caption the avatar above you
Now even Wumbo don't care about changing the rules!

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They tellin me OMJ was nimble, they said he played quick!
But I bet that old fut can't play the way that I did!
When I rate the thing above, you can't believe your eyes
When I guess the next person, it's a big surprise!
It ain't even time to give up
I gotta be on the top of my game like What The Fuck?!
I be bringin' the games back so you better watch out
And tell them bitch ass ask threads to keep my name out their mouths!

Cuz Imma keep on playin' and sprayin' as I please
I know you see me comin', gamin' like a stampede!
Been known to bring the drama just to fuck yo' shit up
It's all because of the ask threads that enough's enough!
I'm the got damn Supergameman and I'm killin' 
I be trippin' and takin' the risks, against the rules of the game!
Them ask threads are the reason, the cause of why I'm insane!
Definitely makin' first impressions and leavin' you second guessin'
My mouth be goin off like a Smith and Wesson!
I can really get riled, make noise and that's a fact
You better get ready for me, CUZ I BE LIKE DAT!

Supergameman gets in the ring and steps toe to toe with PaperSMG

Supergameman: SpongeBob Community, WHAT'S UP?!?!!?

The crowd gives their many different answers in unison.

Supergameman: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Now I know it's been a hot minute since your boi last posted a gameplay, but like a broken Xbox, tonight, I ain't playin no games. What happened to this community, man, what happened to the true spirit of competition?! The closest thing to come petition these days is comparing ask threads like they were dicks or whether or who asks the better questions or not! I've had enough of that noise, man! They might just be just "games" to you, but to me, it's life. The true life line that reruns through the veins of this community and YOU ARE ALL CLOTTING THEM UP WITH YOUR PIECE OF SHIT QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS! Bitches be goin crazy bout how they ain't been the Employee of the Month, then what about ME?! Deathmatch wants to bring back Good Ol' Jjs, but why not me, why not Supergameman?! After everything I did and continue to do to keep this dying art alive! I call your bull-bull and I raise you a conspiracy! That's right! C-O-N-.....SPIRACY!

The crowd voice their amusement at Supergameman's expense with :laughing: and :funnies:  as well as a few squid spanks.

Supergameman: SHUT THE FUCK UP! This ain't the Spelling Game here!

PaperSMG: Umm, hello. Hi, yes, forgetting somebody? You just came trotting out here, interrupting MY promo. And I appreciate that about as much as I appreciate being forgotten around here mere days after I first joined. Now THAT'S bullshit! So kindly and quickly be forgotten on the minds of all the short attention spans here tonight, and please get the fuck off my screen time. Thank you.

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Supergameman: Well lookie who we got here, everybody! It's @lilcorey18 ! You takin a selfie in front of everybody this time, Lilcorey? Where the fuck's yo hat, Lilcorey?!

The crowd pops at the sound of that familiar username.

Supergameman: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Because you are ALL Lilcorey!

The crowd can't even be mad at that.

Supergameman: Yeah, we got the big Lilcoreys posin in front of mirrors down in the back. The little Lilcoreys wearing their snapbacks sideways in the front, eatin their lil snacky snacks! All you Lilcoreys comin in all shapes and sizes but they all still fake as Aya's gender! Now Paper, I hear you, I SEEyou. But when I hear you, when I see you, all I see and hear is a fake ass black bitch who everybody seems to think is one of SBC's best members! And that's that bull-bull! So you come out here askin if you gon' get forgot- NO! No. You gon' get got, COREY!

Supergameman lands a hard kick below PaperSMG's belt and then runs the ropes, quickly taking off PaperSMG's head with a beautifully executed Scissors Kick!

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Supergameman puts on them crazy eyes as looks down as PaperSMG's disembodied head, then he continues telling the crowd to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

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Supergameman: He asked for it! You all asked for it, COREY!

Supergameman's theme hits again and he makes his exit, continuing to lose his mind and bash all the Lilcoreys on his way out.

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5 minutes ago, ACSBehemothHellcat said:

Supergameman: Yeah, we got the big Lilcoreys posin in front of mirrors down in the back. The little Lilcoreys wearing their snapbacks sideways in the front, eatin their lil snacky snacks! All you Lilcoreys comin in all shapes and sizes but they all still fake as Aya's gender! Now Paper, I hear you, I SEEyou. But when I hear you, when I see you, all I see and hear is a fake ass black bitch who everybody seems to think is one of SBC's best members! And that's that bull-bull! So you come out here askin if you gon' get forgot- NO! No. You gon' get got, COREY!

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, this is not a terrorist!

 

Represent

We open up to a shot of a darkened room located somewhere private. Two members walk into view from behind the camera, then turn to face it. 

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One of them begins to speak to the audience.

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???: Hello, my name is NotBlaze.

"NotBlaze" nervously clears his throat, regaining his composure.

NotBlaze: I am a SpongeBob fan, that is why I chose to sign up right here in SBM. But since the banishment of Bl4zeTMG, you people tend to generalize or stereotype people like me. But I implore you, PLEASE don't confuse me with acts of terrorism here in the SpongeBob fandom, and around the World Wide Web. I am ASKING you people to please just give me the opportunity to represent you in the SpongeBob community. Thank you.

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NotBlaze: Praise Raptor Jesus. Now, please be respectful as my manager, my close friend and confidante who is also definitely not Blaze, @SBCbotter, translates for our fellow SpongeBuddies.

SBCbotter: Hello *raspberries* my name is NotBlaze *raspberries* I am a Sponge *raspberries* Bob fan just like you *raspberries* dumb fucks! *raspberries* That is why I *raspberries* chose to sign up in *raspberries* this bitch! But since *raspberries* you banned Blaze's bitching *raspberries* ass, you people *extra wet raspberries* tend to generalize or *raspberries*  stereotype people like me! *raspberries* But PLEASE *raspberries* have some goddamn *raspberries* fucking sense, open *raspberries* your cock eyes and don't *raspberries* confuse his bitch ass with *raspberries* withme! *raspberries* You overprivileged bigots *raspberries* go so far as to cate*raspberries*gorize it as motherfucking *raspberries* TERRORISM! *raspberries* There's legit *raspberries* terrorism going on in the world today *raspberries* and you cucks' heads are *raspberries* so far up your *raspberries* own goddamn asses that you *raspberries* actually think that your *raspberries* third world inter*raspberries*net problems are akin *raspberries* to that of, say *raspberries*, London! *raspberries* Paris! *raspberries* Turkey! *raspberries*  I am ASKING you people *extra long raspberries* to please *raspberries*  get your heads out of each other's asses *raspberries* and give me *light raspberries* the opportunity *raspberries* to represent you *spit-heavy raspberries* in the SpongeBob community! *extra long, extra moist raspberry* Thank you! :) 

The scene then fades to black.

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On 9/19/2016 at 11:08 PM, ACSBehemothHellcat said:

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, BINYA BINYA!

 

A Once in a While Member

 

 

Shylah SquarePants: Once in a while, comes a member so unique, he defies expectation. Once in a lifetime, comes a member so extraordinary that not even a review from Clappy can do him justice.

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Shylah SquarePants: Ever since May 30, 2016, SBC has been home to such a member. A kid so insane, that he doesn't even pay OMJ for his services and guests flock from all over the world wide web just to watch his life story unfold.

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Shylah SquarePants: A yellow-bellied polliwog so extreme, his actions have been classified as "terrorism".

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Shylah SquarePants: A member so terrorizing, that his tactics have been banned from seeing the light of day on SBC soil.

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Shylah SquarePants: He is the Suicidal, Homicidal, Genocidal, EXPECTATION DEFYING member known the world over as...

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???: BINYA! BINYA!

Shylah SquarePants: BenPaz!

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how did i miss this artisan-ness

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, the results are in!


Active Volcano

We open up to a packed Deathmatch Arena, playing host to about 13 guests and maybe 1 or 2 ACSes tonight. The theme of a familiar Jew hits the SBC Radio.

Tropical Nards makes his way out to the ring, with a smug look on his greasy face. He takes repeated glances up at the voting poll at the top of the thread, laughing to himself as he does so. He motions for a microphone and has one handed to him by a crew member. He's met with a chorus of patboos, but they barely phase him.

Nards: Ladies, gentlemen and goys of the SpongeBob Community, my name is Tropical Nards! And I am the advocate for "The Worst Incarnate" ZZZZZZZZAID CCCCCCCCCCCATDOG!

The mere utterance of that name is met with even more patboos than before.

Nards: Not too long ago, I laid out a little challenge issued by my client, ZaidCatDog, calling out any and everyone involved in a heinous act made against my client, ZaidCatDog's, own personal blog. I had compiled a list of names, all of whom took a very active part in said heinous act, and my client, ZaidCatDog saw to it that I place them all in a little ol' poll for you all to decide upon just whose corpse my client, ZaidCatDog, shall feast upon next. And to be honest, I did not fucking expect to see the result that I see before me right now. I mean, just look at that shit! An unprecedented and unaccounted for 5-WAY TIE! You couldn't possibly script a better fucking outcome than that! Boy oh boy, you all must be really fucking thirsty for each others blood! More thirsty than, dare I say, Renegade, I'd say. Never in all my years online have I come across a group of people more willing to throw their peers to the sharks. You are all prime examples of human compassion at its finest! But unfortunately, seeing as how this is without a doubt a "Deathmatch First", my client, ZaidCatDog, disagrees. My client, ZaidCatDog, proclaims this once in a lifetime coincidence to be a "Deathmatch Worst! What does my client, ZaidCatDog, mean by that, exactly? My client, ZaidCatDog, simply means that this is the worst case scenario. Do not misunderstand my client, this isn't the worst case scenario for him, this is the worst case scenario for everyone else involved! For you are all standing at death's door fully knowing that my client, ZaidCatDog, awaits any one of you on the other side! And much like Kevin Ng before you, my client, ZaidCatDog, will break that FUCKER down and beat you with it within an inch of your online lives! Believe me when I say that I did my damnedest trying to convince my client, ZaidCatDog, to give you each an equal opportunity at life by humoring this poll in the first place, but unfortunately for you, your peers disagreed with such a notion, so now I'm afraid that your lives are all firmly in the grasp of my client, ZaidCatDog. All ties must be broken, therefore, my client, ZaidCatDog, has bestowed onto me the great and terrible burden of having to be the one to break it for him! But before I go so far as to do that, I want you all to know that I take absolutely no pleasure in doing this. I am almost entirely sure that there is no method to my client's madness. He is truly an anomaly in this community who's actions (to the utmost best of my ability) even I can't begin to put into words that would make for anything near a coherent sentence! I give you my deepest condolences for what I am about to do to one your online lives. Ladies and gentlemen, goys and Hebrews alike, I have made my fucking decision! The member whose corpse my client, ZaidCatDog, shall feast on next will be-

A seemingly grown, furry man dances his way out somewhat nervously onto the entrance ramp to a pretty good ovation from a certain anime's fanbase here in the community.

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Nards looks on completely out of his mind over who he's witnessing Purple Shuffling their way towards him.

Guests: Gua-no! Gua-no! Gua-no! Gua-no!

Guano enters the ring and calls for a microphone, but Nards quickly breaks the ice.

Nards: Just who the flying FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Don't fucking bother answering that! I am willing to bet my left nard that everybody and their fucking grandmothers here already know who you are, thanks, in part, to the constant, completely tiring efforts of a couple pathetic no-lives with nothing fucking better to do with their entire existence than to constantly shove a dead, piece of shit show, that could NEVER cut it when put in front of an actual audience with their goddamn fucking brainstems still intact, down everybody's throats! And the sadder thing is, you people eat that shit up by freely choosing to throw your self-respect out the window! But seriously, I really have to ask WHO ARE YOU? Just what the fuck are you, really? Are you a fucking man, a fucking animal, a fucking mistake, are you every bit the pile of bat shit that your name implies? You want to know what I think, I honestly think you are all of the above, because I think even YOU have no fucking idea just who you are and what you want to be! I mean, just look at your biggest fans here. All of whom have no idea what gender they want to be today! All of whom can't decide who or what they want or do not want to fuck! All of whom hide behind fucking facades in one way or another to make them feel better about themselves! Yes, that is surely why they all flock so willingly, like flies, towards you and your piece of guano show. And it both sickens and pains me to see Community Deathmatch degrade itself by doing the very same. By going guano, Community Deathmatch has finally whored itself out to you and the filth who like you. And you know, OMJ would be the last fucking person I would see going guano, because he, himself, has been done dirty by them. I should know, I had the displeasure of being stuck in a clique with the likes of them. By choosing to let you anywhere near this arena, has he let himself become soft It's batshit like that that pisses my client, ZaidCatDog, right the fuck off to no fucking end! And when you piss my client right the fuck off to no fucking end, you PISS ME RIGHT THE FUCK OFF TO NO FUCKING END! So please, enlighten me as to why an abomination like you has the gall to interrupt the advocate for A Once In A Lifetime Member, "The Vanquisher", ZaidCatDog?!

Guano: Well, for one, I'm here to make your job that much easier by taking it upon myself to choose "whose corpse your client will feast on next" for you.

Nards laughs in Guano's face.

Nards: You haven't the fucking authority, you're not even an actual member, let alone, a real fucking person!

Guano: Actually, Nards, I do have the authority because I have been given the authority by none other than Old Man Jenkins himself to take over the reigns as Community Deathmatch's new Director (of Operations) and Head Writer. Now please, if you could stop interrupting your Director, I'd like to just get this over with and get out of the public eye now.

Nards: BULLSHIT! You expect not only me, but my client, ZaidCatDog, to believe that you have been given complete creative freedom over what is arguably known as OMJ's baby?! I have seen my fair share of horseshit in my day, I was apart of a clique full of it after all, but this has gotta be the absolute horsiest and downright shittiest that I have ever had the displeasure of seeing! OMJ's pulling our leg, right? He's gonna come out, mention the disclaimer and remind us all that this is all in no way real and it's all in "good fun", or his definition of it anyway.

Guano: Take a look around you, Nards, this show has been my brainchild for roughly the past year. Need anymore proof, just take a good, hard look in the mirror and really take note of the changes your character has gone through since OMJ first incepted you. You came onto the scene as a joke, a running joke at that. You were a glorified jabroni, but now look at what you've become. You are now the advocate and the brains behind one of the most dominant forces to ever step foot in a Deathmatch ring. And that was all because of my direction. And now, you are going to shut the fuck up unless you're spoken to.

Nards tries to get another word in, but can't.

Guano: Now then, as I was saying, I have taken it upon myself to be the deciding vote on just who your client will compete against next. Presuming that you were gonna pick out just one of the chosen competitors, I'll do you and your client one better by announcing that ZaidCatDog has very good chance at competing against all five of them at the same time!

Nards begins losing it immediately after hearing that.

Guano: A true Deathmatch Worst case scenario for your client, isn't it? Now, I say he has "a very good chance" at competing against all five of them, because seeing as how they all had their equal share of the votes, I am not obligating the, to compete if the don't want to. I won't force such dire circumstances on them, I'm not here to just shove something down anyone's throats and have them run along with it. No. I want them to decide whether or not they want to compete against not only your client, but against anyone else who also decides to step up to the challenge! And for added incentive, the winner will-

Crushing: *spits* "I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO CONTRIBUTE! Unless they have a good reason not to, then that's alright I guess. I'd still feel pretty average about it though."

 

The crowd pops a load hard as "The Good Guy" Crushing Mayhem actively makes his way toward the ring. Chewing on his trademark slice of bread and picking at the scraps in his teeth teeth with a toothpick, Crushing flicks the toothpick at the camera a d spits some bread int the face of one lucky audience member who wasn't being active enough for his entrance. He enters the ring and immediately gets into the face of Nards, swiping the mic out of his hand.

Crushing: Does jour client know what "good" is? He's looking at em. Say hello to The Good Guy! Your client, he really likes seeing himself as the worst. I can't fault him for seeing himself like that, mang, because never have I seen a member more inactive, more uncontributive in my entire online life. And when he does decide to get off his culo and actually contribute anything he can shit out, it stands the test of time of being some of the worst offerings ever spawned into this community, chico. Jou need look no further than the recent Worst Spinoffs/Lits of all time list, mang. And jou know what I do to people who can't contribute? 

Crushing takes a huge bite out of his slice of bread, chews it long enough for Nards to see it coming and proceeds to spit it right in his face.

Crushing: I spit in the face of people who can't contribute! Everybody else may fear jour client, but I ain't like everybody else. I mean, the fear is still there, but at least I contribute, I stay active, I do some real good around here. And it takes somebody this good to beat somebody that bad, mang, so I am here to submit my acceptance into this match. 

Nards plants his face in the palm of his hand, obviously displeased by this.

Guano: Well, there we go! We have our first taker! Now then, the winner of this match will-

???: WEEEEELLLLLLLL, IT'S THE OBAB SHOW!!!

 

OBAB comes trotting down to the ring now, shilling his self-named abomination, much to the chagrin of the guests in attendance who react to his arrival negatively. OBAB takes note of all their negative reactions, winking and waving at them.

OBAB: Don't worry guys, this is not a spam ;) if I wanted to spam ya, you would actually see it coming!

OBAB raises himself into the ring squares up with The Good Guy before grabbing a mic of his own.

OBAB: Before I address any of this, I'd like to thank the SBC staff for giving me this opportunity to better myself here in their own dojo. In fact, my work has never been more stagnant since arriving here in SBC Land! That's the name that I gave SBC in my show! Sounds cool, huh? Unlike the Deathmatch Arena or SBC Falls or SpongeBob Community School ;)

Guest: SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM! SPAM!

OBAB: THIS IS NOT A SPAAAAM! Who do I have to kill to finally get that through your thick ass skulls?! Unlike you all, I am a good noodle! I don't run around spamming "SPAM" all the live long day like you do! I contribute things just as much and as good as the next guy! 

Crushing: But not as much or as good as The Good Guy, that's for damn sure, mang.

OBAB: This isn't about me trying to get back on SBM, at least, not entirely. This is about me being a gooder noodle than I ever thought possible! Which is something you all should try investing your time in for once! I am a giant, a giant asshole, at that. If I wanted to spam you, you would see it coming a mile away. But you just won't believe in me! If I am to be seen as good noodle in the eyes of Ssj, I must be seen as a good noodle in the eyes of everyone else. Good guys don't last, but Good Noodles do. And if this is what it takes to finally get you all to believe in me, then I will sure as hell throw my giant asshole out there and shit on the good, the bad and every other ugly thing else in between! Because if there is one thing that my whole ordeal on SBM has taught me, it's that you could be the absolute worst thing there is, but it still won't save you from a premature death! Guan, I want in this match!

Nards sinks his face deeper into the palm of his head as OBAB shakes hands with the Writer and Director of Deathmatch. Crushing looks on averagely, maybe every smirking a bit.

OBAB: You won't regret this ;)

Guano: I'm sure I will. There you have it folks, we've now got three members competing for a chan-

???: I'm here to rip the world! I'm here to rip the world! CUM OOOOON, BRING IT OOOOOOOOONNNNN!!!

 

Nards slumps into his own corner of the ring as "The Rip-Off" Fred Rechid now struts his stuff on his way to the ring, trying to make the crowd laugh by ripping his pants along the way. Fred grabs a mic before hopping into the ring to confront everybody else. He tries getting into the face of everybody, but none of the, seem to take him serious. Not even OBAB.

Fred: Now, I know you guys weren't just out here talking about what could possibly be the biggest match in Deathmatch, and that's not saying much, without adding me to the equation!

Fred takes a moment to welcome and shake Guano's hand.

Fred: Purple may be the exact opposite of my favorite color, but hi, I'm Fred Rechid! So yeah, without getting nitty gritty on the details or my backstory, you know that I want in on this!

Nards: Fred, with all due respect, and I do honestly respect you the most out of everybody else currently in this ring, so that says a lot, I must advise you against doing that! This isn't a couple of no names on Tvguy's contacts list, this is The Worst Incarnate! I can not emphasize the destructive capabilities of my client, ZaidCatDog, enough! And he fucking knows that! I can't begin to emphasize just how good and bad both Crushing and OBAB are respectively, and they fucking know that! I can't even begin to emphasize just how middle of the road you are, and even you don't seem to know that. You have no fucking idea what it is you want to be, Fred. You're more fucking conflicted than el jefe right here! You pride yourself on having improved yourself since day one all the way back in 2014, but really has there been that big of an improvement for that long? Maybe you've been slowly improving yourself since day one-ish, but since day one right on the dot? I certainly don't fucking think so. And believe me, there's been a lot of "ishes" along the way. I mean, look at what you're doing on SBM now. That's like "Since Day 900-something" at this rate. You're bringing back 2014!you as a novelty act in a show of comedic irony, but the glaring thing is, it isn't ironic! It just looks and sounds pathetic, and I apologize if that is harsh of me to say, but it is true and you don't know it! Judging on who you're interested in, I can't say that I am entirely surprised, neither. Birds of a fucked up feather fuck together, I can get that much. And please, I don't mean any of this as a jab towards you. I want to take this as a bullet point, a little trinket of knowledge to further improve yourself upon, because you've still got a long way to go, if you ask me, buddy. So please, refrain from doing what I think it is you're about to do because you have no idea what you just walked into and you have even less of an idea on just what you're on the verge of getting yourself into, but I'll put in a way that even you will understand. You, my fred, are about to march into a slaughter the likes of which you are nowhere near prepared for, against a member who is equally as ill-prepared but even at his absolute worst, he gets the job done anyway, you can ask rebarcena that, you can ask Kevin Ng that, you can even ask American Idiot and Chad Francis that. And it's because he knows what he is, he knows what he wants to be! He is beyond such petty, meaningless inner conflicts. He is at peace with himself, and a beast that's at peace is one you do not want to fuck with in the least, because nothing will stop him from tearing into you piece by piece as he eats you alive in a grand ol' feast! You are setting yourself up for absolute failure, which is something I know that you have become accustomed in your three years here, but just this once, just take the closest thing you have to a W and go home. No one can dare fault you for being man enough to take the easy way just this once. You can be the member who can come back and brag about having the brain cells necessary to not want to step into the same ring as my client! You can be known as the member who had ZaidCatDog banging at his door, but chose to keep it shut on him! All of that credibility can be yours if you just walk away now.

Fred: All of that can really be mine?

Nards: Oh, it can and it will. I give you my word.

Fred: Shit son...

Fred turns to Guano with a conflicted look on his face.

Fred: Fuck it. I'm out, man.

The guests begin to boo as Fred surprisingly makes his way to the back. Nards breathes a sigh of relief as Fred vanishes from view. Crushing looks on with a look disappointment. OBAB is too busy focusing on his own damn self to care.

Guano: Well, that was certainly something now, wasn't it? Anyway, the win-

???: I'm here to rip the world! I'm here to rip the world! CUM OOOOON, BRING IT OOOOOOOOONNNNN!!!

 

Fred marches back out and into the ring to huge pop of loads from the crowd, legit shocking Nards as Crushing gives off a smirk.

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Fred: I know exactly who I am! Hi, my name is Fred motherfucking Rechid, bitch! And don't you, or your client, or anyone else here ever forget it! This ain't 2014 anymore, I ain't Old Man Leeroy Jenkins anymore! I'm not some rip-off! I am "The Rip-Off", I am about as middle of the road as you can get and I am DAMN PROUD OF THAT! You could see all that pretty damn crystal if you actually take a look at all my contributions! I broke the mold when I first joined here, the likes of which that wasn't seen since OMJ first arrived! I am Day One of a new breed to hit this community and it's had a strangle hold on it ever since! I worked long and hard, like my dick, to get where I'm at today no differently than, say, a good guy or a bad guy! I got where I am today by being my own guy! I never conformed to anyone's molds, I simply broke them and made em my own! So when I do step into this ring with your client, yeah sure, he may take a nice, big chunk out of me, but don't you fucking think for a second that I won't do the same right back to him! I'm not walking into this thing itching to look good or bad, I'm walking in and I'll be walking out splitting your sides, and your girlfriend's legs!

Crushing takes a moment to shake Fred's hand.

Crushing: Nice contribution, mang.

Guano: We've got 4! Count em, 4 combatants battle-ready for what I'm about to announce, hopefully without anymore further interruption. The winner of this Deathmatch shall be crowned Community Deathmatch's first ever Most Active Member!

The guests in attendance pop their loads loud at the thought of that finally becoming a reality.

Guano: So here we have it then, you all will compete under Fatal Four-Way rules-

 

A spaceship suddenly makes it descent down into the Deathmatch Arena, parking itself right on the top of the entrance ramp. Everyone in the arena have no idea what to make of this as the door leading into the ship lowers down. Jjs makes his way out of the ship with a megaphone in hand greets everybody in the arena in this scene parodying Space Jam because I'm too lazy to photoshop it.

 

Jjs: Ladies and gentlemen, my bestest friend in the known SpongeBob Universe...Hayden Shellder!

Hayden steps out of the spaceship now and embraces jjs, who is there just waiting for him. Jjs then raises Hayden's arm to jeers from the crowd as Hayden implored them to drink in the Gift of Hayden tho.

 

Hayden: Drink it in, MAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaAAAAAANNNnnnn!

Hayden and jjs both make their respective ways to the ring, side by side as best friends united. Jjs holds the rope down for Hayden, who then insists on being the one to hold the ropes down for Jjs to step through. Guano looks impatiently and nervously at his watch, and after a hot minute of arguing about this amongst each other, jjs finally caves and finds himself being the one to enter the ring first. Hayden takes the megaphone from him in order to address the situation.

Hayden: "If I can see it, then I can do it! If I just believe it, there's nothing to it! I believe I can fly! I believe I can beat this Zaid guy! I tell myself that every night and day! Even if I can't lace up Hayden's boots on his worst day!" If life really were nothing but an awful song, this would be it. That is how all you hypocrites sound like right now. You know what?

Hayden pulls his List of Unpopular Opinions out of his ass, and his pen out of jjs'.

Hayden: You know what you get, Space Jam, for not only being the absolute lowest point of the Looney Tunes franchise as a whole, but for giving poor saps like these a reason to breathe the same as I do and for getting an entire generation's hopes ups dangerously high that they believe that they can even touch the sky? Huh? Do you know what gets this so-called "childhood classic"?! HUH?! *click pen* YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!

Jjs: I got this one, buddy. You just continue tearing them new ones. You're on fire.

Jjs assures him as he jots "Space Jam" onto the List for him.

Hayden: Did you just call me "hot"? I could've sword that was a flirtation on your part.

Jjs: No, I mean you've got plenty of momentum going for ya. Where in any of that did I say that you were hot?

Hayden: It was just the execution of that sentence, it was left off kind of ambiguous, you know? Like this guy's mother!

Guano seems to take exception to Hayden speaking of his mother.

Hayden: You know, ambiguously absent mother? Do you know what you get for possibly up and leaving your family just like that? Huh? Do you know what you get for committing bestiality in order to spit out such a monstrosity?! Click the pen, jjs.

Jjs: Clicking *clicks pen* Oooh, can I say it?

Hayden: For you, jjs, I'd let you do anything.

Jjs: YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!

Jjs jots "ambiguous mother" on to Hayden's list.

Hayden: That was pretty good, but just make it a little bigger next time.

Jjs: Haha, that's what you said!

Hayden: You're right, I did say that! Just now.

Guano: Yeah, look, is there an endgame in sight here, because I've got places to go and people to not see.

Hayden: Uh, yeah, Jjaysden is endgame, duh!

Jjs: That's right, you are looking at your co-Most Active Users right here! This is no contest.

Hayden: Absolutely no contest! And the fact that you are even considering anybody else for such a title insults me.

Jjs: And when you insult him, you go so far as to insult me! My best friend Hayden doesn't need some sort of convoluted, character-driven backstory in order to stake his claim to this title. All he needs to do is just simply log in and you can all watch on helplessly as roughly 80% of the entire community's activity levels come flooding on in maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnn!

Hayden: Jjs, don't be afraid to stretch it out a bit longer next time.

Jjs: Haha, that's what you said! 

Everybody just looks at jjs weird.

Jjs: WELL, IT'S TRUE. He just said right now! 

Hayden: And that right there is the most defining trait that separates me from the rest of these helpless sheep, you all don't have a friend as good as mine to watch your backs! I mean, look at Kan, he won the poll too but he's not even here! And you know why? It's because no one here wants to be his friend! He knows full well that he's outclassed, outmatched as well as outmanned, so he's doing the only sane thing that any sane member would do, and that's to set his ass aside, because jjs isn't gonna be watching out for his ass anymore! The only ass jjs watching now is mine-

Jjs: Well, I don't know, Hayden, I wouldn't go so far as to say that.

Hayden: ...But I am your best friend

Jjs: Yeah, you're my best friend, not my only friend.

Hayden: A-Are you hanging with other people behind my back?! Are there other PCs going on on xat that I'm not apart of?!

Jjs: Look, of course there is! I am the director of this goddamn community for neptune's sake, it's sort of in the job description!

Hayden: *gasp* I can not believe what I am hearing! YOU WERE MY FRIEND, JJS! My best and only one, that's how much our friendship meant to me! You helped me get over Kali!

Jjs: Don't you dare imply that my regard for you is any lower than that, Hayden! You know that I jump through hoops trying to scrounge up excuses not to ban you!

Hayden: Well, I'm sure if I was less of a pompous dickhead like all your other "friends", you would be much happier with our situation!

Jjs: Yeah, actually, I would.

Hayden: I don't even know who you fucking are anymore.

Jjs: Hayden, stop and get a fucking hold of yourself, man! This is exactly what these parasitic tapeworms want! They want to drive a wedge between us in order to give themselves the advantage!

Hayden: God, how could I be so weak?!

Jjs grabs Hayden by the head and holds it close to his.

Jjs: You leave me weak, as you do me. And this is a weakness that they're going to exploit at every possible chance they get.

Hayden: You're right, jjs, as you always are! How could I ever begin to doubt you? Maaaaaaaaaaaan, these fuckers are good.

Crushing : We've literally contributed nothing to any of this, mang. This was all you, chicos.

Hayden: Quiet, you stupid moron! Consider this the last time any one you gets inside my head because the only person allowed inside is MY BEST FRIEND, JJS!

Jjs: I wouldn't want it any other way, buddy.

Hayden: You hear that? He wouldn't want it any other way, THAT is the power of our friendship right there. And unlike you marmosets, with your convoluted, character-driven back stories, that right there is all I need to guarantee my victory in this match!

Jjs: Yeah, tell em!

Hayden: Oh, I just did! But you know, even taking jjs out of the equation,

Jjs: What?

Hayden: you take a look at my body of work, in and of itself, and you will know that you are drinking in the Gift of SBC's Most Active Member right now! 

Hayden: You're looking at SBC's Most Competitive Member, I just won that title irl just a couple days ago! What the hell did any of you stupid morons win, huh?

Crushing: Actually, I won Most Serious Member, which is a couple of categories above your award.

Hayden: Yeah, you are serious, Crushing. A SERIOUS PAIN IN MY ASS.

Jjs steps up and shoves Crushing back.

Jjs: What the fuck are you doing in his ass, Crushing?! Need I remind that as your commanding member and Head Manager, that is me office! And nobody is allowed into my office ever unless I grant them special permission to, which almost never happens! NEVER HAPPENS! Especially not for you! Hayden, buddy, how could you do this to me, man? How could you ever allow this limp dicked mother fucker to go into MY office behind my back?! 

Hayden: Look, I-

jjs: How long has this been going on?!

Hayden: I don't know, it just happens every time he decides to open his mouth whenever he posts-

Jjs: He opens his mouth?! Every time he posts?! That's thousands of times, Hayden! Thousands of times that he's been opening his mouth in MY office doing god knows what in there!

Hayden: But every time it is always a sharp pain in my ass, jjs, it brings no pleasure to me!

Jjs: Oh but I bet it's more than what I could ever bring to you.

Hayden: This is EXACTLY what he wants, jjs! And we are just giving it to him!

Jjs: I don't wanna give any of it to him! I only wanna give it to you! Down there in me office!

Hayden grabs jjs by the head and pulls it closer to his own.

Hayden: Then we have to stay strong, jjs. We can't let them see us like this! We can't let them know that what they're doing is working. We are best friend united. We have what nobody else in this ring, let alone in this entire community, has got! And THAT is gonna be what crowns us Community Deathmatch's Most Active Member. I mean, look at who our competition is!

Hayden walks over and gets in the face of OBAB.

Hayden: We have a perpetual crybaby with his head far too much up his own ass, pining for acceptance from some of the lowest forms of human garbage that are currently staining this fandom! To him, much like the other pieces of trash that gets washed up on our shores, SBC is just a Plan B, his back pocket. And when the first opportunity arrives for him to jump back onto the sinking ship, he will sure as hell take that leap of faith and I sure as hell hope that he falls and drowns doing so! You know, I'm best friends with the Head Manager here, and as his best friend, I must say that I at least have a reasonable amount of sway at the goings on behind the scenes. It'd sure be a damn shame if somebody were to convince jjs to convince Ssj that a certain spammer wasn't being a good enough noodle around here to warrant a here's welcome back.

OBAB goes nose to nose with Hayden.

OBAB: This. Is. Not. A. Spam. ;)

Jjs: Oh really? Not from what I see. Ooh, there's the phone.

OBAB: You wouldn't-

Jjs: I'm getting closer to the phooooone.

OBAB: This is not a spam!

Jjs: Hello, I'd like to speak to SB,-

OBAB clenches his fist to spam jjs, but struggles with himself not to.

Jjs: Go ahead, go right on a-fucking-head! Spam me! Spam me real hard! Spam me or my best friend, and it'll literally be the last thing that you'll ever do!

OBAB is beside himself, choosing to cry and spam away in his own corner of the ring. Jjs gets in Fred's face now and shoves him.

Jjs: And look at Frank here! Jesus, Federline, just what the fuck do you think you're doing here? Can't you see that this isn't the kiddie table? You've had three years of growing up to do, and you've only managed to work yourself  up to a three year-old's mental capacity. "This is my opportunity!" "This is my time to shine!" "I've worked my way up to finally have my just desserts!" Everything is just yours, isn't it? A fucking three year-old, if I ever heard one! I mean, do you even bothering listening to yourself? No, you don't, because everything is that cringe when it comes to you that you, and taking that bullet point from Nards here, ironically try to spin it around to make yourself look somewhere not even remotely close to funny. Who do you think you are? OMJ? I see you're trying to rip off his sloppy seconds, so I guess so. And let me just say this as your commanding member and Head Manager, and I hope that you take it to heart, you are not your own man. You never were your own man. You never will be your own man. You will always be a rip-off, a cheap ass imitation of any decent member to have come before you. From OMJ to Wumbo. You are a dime a dozen

Hayden: But somehow you're worth even less than that!

Jjs: And if Nards can't convince you, then maybe I will. As your commanding member and Head Manager, Frasier, if you don't refrain from competing in this Deathmatch, then consider yourself fired from my staff! And seeing as how being made a cashier is your greatest claim to fame so far in life, and it very well may be for the rest of it, I'll give you some time to mull it over. Weigh your options. Think about whether an early retirement without the benefits is what's really necessary for you right now. You can either get the fuck out or get knocked the fuck out, Fedor.

Jjs then shifts his attention towards Crushing.

Jjs: ¡And the same proposition applies to you, amigo!

Hayden: And I'm sure we all know just how much this cashier position means to you, I mean, the staff here did somehow see something in you that the staff at that avatard forum you used to love so much couldn't. Or, most likely, there simply just isn't anything to see in you at all. I mean, this is a forum where the likes of OMJ, Wumbo and even Francis here can somehow become a member of the staff. You could've just been the one diamond-shaped turd out of all the others!

Jjs: It's true, things got pretty shitty during that round of recruitment.

Hayden: And to bring so little to the table with as many "contributions" as you have made throughout the years, maybe it's not just that your quantity isn't good, because your quantity is very good, even I can admit that. But maybe you are just bad quality. It's like when you're filming something with a potato, the potato will get the job done but the end result certainly won't be anything good. Crushing, you are that potato!

Jjs: That potato username fad we had going on back in like 2012/2013, that was all about you, mang.

Hayden: So sure, you can go ahead and "contribute" to this Deathmatch any which way you so choose, but in the end, it all will amount to jack diddly squat. We know it and deep down inside, we know you must be at conflict with yourself about you also knowing it. So do the most contribution thing you possibly can do and just pull out of this match.

Jjs: And if you don't, not only will you be fired from the cash register, but I will also personally see to it that you will never contribute anything more to the entire SpongeBob fandom ever agayn! 

And for once in his life, Crushing starting to feel a little less average in the "how are you feeling? (emotionally)" thread.

Hayden and jjs finally end up backing Nards into his own corner.

Nards: Look, look! Guys, I don't want you to do this. You don't want to do this. So let's just not do thi-

Hayden slaps Nards around before jjs pulls him into a headlock and tries to noogie him to death.

Hayden: My best friend and I, we eat lil shits like you and your client for breakfast! Hell, we've already chewed your client out and spat him back up more times than we can chew in the Riffing Theater! The relationship you and your client have, it pales in comparison to what jjs and I have. What you two have is unhealthy. Just look at you both, you're a walrus and he's as big as a whale! You are absolutely jack shit without him and he can't even wipe his ass without you giving him directions. If there is one thing I learned today, it is that Jjs and I, we are both co-dependent AND independent when need be. That's what makes us strong, that is what makes us dangerous, and that is what's gonna make us Community Deathmatch's Most Active Member! You and your client rely so heavily on the other, so why not just cripple him now by taking you out of the picture?

Hayden pulls Nards away and looks to set him up for jjs to power bomb him. Nobody else seems to be stepping in, probably in favor of possibly crippling The Vanquisher.

Nards: NO, PLEASE! I'M JUST AN ADVOCATE! I'M JUST AN ADVOCATE!

Hayden and Jjs are suddenly interrupted by

Harish: Ladies and gentlemen! Please turn your attention to the southwest corridor!

Everybody, including Hayden and jjs, drops what they're doing in order to shift their attention to the southeast corridor. In the confusion, Nards slips himself out of the ring and away from danger.

Harish: Other way! stupid americans

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Harish: We present to you your future Most Active Member, The Modern Day Maharrrrrawat!

Fred: wat

Jjs: Exactly.

Hayden consults his dictionary to see if that is even a real thing

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SOF makes his way out to a loud negative reaction from the guests in attendance.

Guests: :patboo:

SOF: You pepole boo me? Yuo watn t oboo The Maharawat?! Yo only boob me,because of my gramar! Well pardon me, I am so sorry about the FACT that English isn't my first language! You mock me, you demonize me, you bully me into quitting my passion for writing, you insult my intelligence day in and day out! When I step foot in your ask theeads, don't think for a second that I don't notice you treating me with more disdain than some of your other "regulars"! I am no different than anyone of you! I am a SpongeBob fan, I watch the same shows, and I bleed the same blood as you do! I had hope that you all would have realized that whenever you would take the time to dig into me, to knock me around as if I was your personal punching bags! But that was just too much to ask for from all of you! You all even sink so low as to look down on me as if I was a mere child. Well, I am not lying about my age anymore! What you see standing tall above all of you, is The Modern Day Maharawat! And that is a real, prestigious title in my home country of India, so don't you wannabe social justice warriors dare throw shade at that! Nobody in that ring has struggled like I have! Nobody in that ring has put in the time for as long as I have! Almost 11 years! Almost 11 years, I have made my presence known in this fandom, and still, I am but a joke to all of you! Therefore, nobody in that ring has been active like I have! Through the surgeries and the health problems, I have refused to let my activity levels dip, I have not let myself falter. I continue to go at the same rate as I always have, and yet, you give me nothing but shit to show for it!

Hayden: Alright, you've already said your piece, so could you just can it, Kan.

SOF: DO NOT CAN KAN! I should be royalty to you people! I should be a national treasure! You take a good, hard look at my body of work

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SOF: Does this not scream Most Active Member to you?! You can practically see the future of the SpongeBob Community unfolding right before your very eyes! 

Jjs: Are you gazing into his nipples of the future?

Hayden: Who the hell does he think he is, Really Really Big Man or something?

SOF: The Era of The Maharawat is dawning! And no matter how active you may be, you will pale in comparison! No matter how good or how bad you may think you are, I will make you look like the exact opposite! No matter how hard you may think you have it, you won't know what it is until I come at you harder! No matter how many friends you have behind your back, you shall be dwarfed in size because I carry the weight, the hopes and the dreams of an entire country on my back, consisting of 1.3 billion strong! I have the most to prove! I have the most to lose! I have the most to gain! I have the most to fight for! Which is why I want in this match!

Guano: Well, there we have it, folks. All five of our voting poll winners have each decided to compete for a chance to be crowned Community Deathmatch's first ever Most Active Member under Six Pack Challenge rules! Which means that the first member to successfully kill another will be the winner! So if any one of you just so happen to see one of your opponents in a tough spot, might I suggest maybe saving their lives long enough for you to kill them yourself!

Nards grabs a mic from where he's at on the outside, absolutely winded from his experience here tonight.

Nards: You all have no hypothetical idea what you just fucking unleashed here tonight. May Neptune have mercy on you all, because my client, ZaidCatDog, disagrees.

Nards makes his exit through the crowd as Guano's theme hits again and he dances around the ring while everybody else stares each other down before he nervously makes his leave from the public.

 

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, it's just Nerds!


That friend who ditches you, but still calls to see how you're doing

The scene opens up and we see the advocate for "The Worst Incarnate" Zaid CatDog, Tropical Nards, being checked up in the admin panel of the Deathmatch Arena by Mr Dr Professor Patrick. He looks visibly shook up from his altercation with all six of Zaid's opponents heading into this huge Most Active Member six pack challenge.

hilaryfan80: Alright, could you, could you please turn over to the left now?

Nards: : glare:

hilaryfan80: Sir, staring at me uncomfortably for five minutes isn't gonna help the swelling go up any faster. I mean, I'd get it if you were staring at my reality image, but come on :Laugh:

Nards: I'm sorry, mister, doctor and/or professor but there is hypothetically nothing you can conceivably do that would possibly be enough to boost my ego and re-inflate this big head of mine. My self-confidence has been through enough for one night, thank you. So kindly go back to doing something that you naturally excel at, which is fucking this forum up even more.

Nards' phone suddenly starts ringing. He looks down at it and takes a huge gulp.

Nard: Could you excuse me, it's...um...

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Upon seeing the name of the caller, hilaryfan80 proceeded to get out of there like yesterday. 

hilaryfan80: If you begin to feel any discomfort using any the features around here, here, take my glamour shot

hilaryfan80 hands him a glamour shot photo of one of his reality images.

hilaryfan80: And I'll be quick to post a new topic addressing any issue that you may be having.

Nards let's out a huge sigh, tears welling up in his eyes. You'd feel almost sorry, even compelled to give him a hug if he were anybody but Nards. He proceeds to answer the phone.

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Nard: Hi...No, I haven't been crying...I am keenly aware of that fact...okay, I'll make sure to bottle up some of my tears for the road...yes, reading yet another chapter of any of your Spinoffs or Literatures will make me feel infinitely worse...I am glad you asked me that question, this is what I think you need to do...I think it is time for you to instill into the SpongeBob Community that fear they don't have of Zaid CatDog. I think you need to take a break from your sabbatical and show up on Community Deathmatch, and by showing up, I don't just mean you show up on Deathmatch. I'm thinking that when you DO show up on Community Deathmatch, this time, I want to see you do your worst.

Nards hangs up the phone and tosses it aside carelessly. His head begins to swell back up, reaffirming his faith in his client heading into the six pack challenge. The camera zooms out of the the room

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To reveal that outside the admin panel, spunky ace SpongeBob reporter, Chad Francis back from having his ass handed to him by Zaid, listening in on the conversation.

Chad Francis: :smirk:

He then makes his leave as the scene fades to black.

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, go home haoles!


The Canada & Independence Day Episode

Our special holiday edition of Community Deathmatch opens up to the blog section of SpongeBuddy Mania, where ACS and the rest of the Bullshit Club are out in full force, threatening the many content creators in another vain attempt to make blogs great again by filtering out what they consider to be shit. Darris and World Travel are in the middle of threatening Toonjoey as ACS is at work making a productive memorial blog post in ssj's honor that I'm sure will somehow end up getting deleted.

Toonjoey: You can't just do this, you can't just go around censoring blogs! This is our Ssj-given rights as SpongeBuddies, gosh dang it all to heck!

Darris and World Travel simply nail Toonjoey with a Joy Killer for his troubles.

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Darris: We are the Bullshit Club, we rule the SpongeBob Fandom! Everything that we do is just 2SPOOKY!

Darris and World Travel 2spookies each other right as ACS finally gets his completely worthwhile blog post up. Suddenly, PhilipB makes comes and makes a comment.

PhilipB: ACS, I know that you and us staff here at SBM have had quite the tumultuous, albeit bipolar relations in the past, but as SBM's and especially Ssj's undisputed #1 arse kisser, I do believe that it is my utmost duty as said #1 undisputed arse kisser to ensure that this message safely gets delivered into the wrong hands.

PhilipB hands over a last will and comment from Ssj, made sometime before his demise at the hands of The OBAB Show.

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PhilipB: He wanted to make sure that you knew, Hawkins, that if anything were to happen to him, he'd always place more trust in you rather than his own staff. The site is now your oyster, ACS. Do with it as you so please. I won't be active enough to give half a dookie anyway.

PhilipB departs the blog, leaving ACS with ssj's last words. He doesn't know how to respond,nor did he even have the time to as a report suddenly came flooding in regarding spam taking place in Plankton's Laboratory.

ACS: Boys, we are BACK IN BUSINESS!

 

They fly over to the scene of the offense as fast as their flight simulators could take them. At the scene, members are seen getting into it with Anal and her kremlin-funded super fangame, Spongabob.

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Anal: VNEMANYA! VNEMANYA! Now, SpongeBuddy Mania rise, and place your hands over your heart, for a true Spongabob gaming experience the likes of which your inferior, tiny capitalist minds couldn't even begin to fathom. Brought to you by none other than our great benevolent leader, Vladimir Putin!

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Anal: I give to you, for just 9.99 of your puny American dollars, the super fangame, Spongabob

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Spongabob: SPONGABOB UDRYA! SPONGABOB MACHKA!

Too many SBMers to name give them shit for being commies, but their fun is brought to an immediate halt by the arrival of the Bullshit Club. Too many SBMers to name tell the club all about the spam and propaganda that Anal and her fangame were spouting on about just now, and that they cursed at them in Russian. ACS inspects the thread, seeing plenty of substantial evidence that could implicate the Russians for their misdeeds.

ACS: I'm sorry, but I see no Russian meddling here.

The SBMers get on his ass so that he could open ups his eyes, but he instead gives them all a stern warning.

ACS: You people really need to stop reporting this fake news. I just looked into this matter personally, myself, just now. You all saw it! So you all saw, as well as I did, absolutely no signs of Russian meddling with your emotions. You are all just getting yourselves worked up over nothing, as most all of you usually do! Now, if I get anymore reports of such blatant, thrown together lies, I will have no choice but to stiffen our disciplinary measures around here, which will grant me the executive power to ban any and all fake news reporters who dare spam my report log! I will even do you all one better and deport you to SBC where trash such as yourselves truly belong! This is the face that runs the place now, and the way I see it, you are all just guests in my place.

ACS turns back to Anal and Spongabob and shakes both their hands, apologizing for any grief his member base may have caused them.

 

Hayden: Welcome, you stupid idiots, you hypocrites, you parasitic tapeworms, you blind sheep, to yet another unboxing of The Gift of Hayden tho! Drink it iiiin, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Jjs: And what a display of friendship do Hayden and I have in store for you tonight! And also, another Deathmatch, but who the fuck even tunes in for that these days ever since me and my best friend, Hayden, took this Deathmatch scene by storm?

Hayden: I couldn't agree more, jjs. Much like we did with all those other pieces of shit stories in The Riffing Theater, with the exception of yours, of course!

jjs: Of course.

Hayden: We are bringing Community Deathmatch to a whole new level of quality, the likes of which it has never seen in its entire four year history! And do you know what the best part of it all is, jjs?

Jjs: I think I have a very good idea what that might be,because you and I are just so in sync like that, but please feel free to enlighten all these friendless morons. That's right, I just called you all "morons" on a live lit. Fairly Oddparents, eat your fucking heart out along with everybody else here.

Hayden: Does that "you all" also apply to me, just to be clear?

Jjs: Of course not, man, I would never in a million years ever associate you anywhere near these idiotic stupidos. You know me better than that, man.

Hayden: You're right, jjs, I do know you better than all these sheep in sheep's clothing! So you all want to know what the best part of all this is?! It's that my best friend, jjsthekid, and I don't have to be hindered by the wavering presence of any other pretenders! You know, no other "guest riffers" who can't even riff their way out of a paper bag! Just me, jjs and the floorboards 

Jjs: Pause on that.

Hayden: in all our glory making Community Deathmatch worth watching agayn!

Their latest love fest is suddenly interrupted by

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Harish: Ladies and gentlemen, your FUTURE SBC Most Active Member!

Omair: "The Modern Day Maharrrrrawat"!

Harish and Omair: SpongeOddFaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan

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Jjs: Holy shit that was @E.V.I.L this whole time? Boy, he really did fell down the ladder a couple of rungs, huh?

Hayden: Yeah, to go from having a complete one dimensional character that revolved around loving Nutella and llamas to being the zero dimensional errand boy to SBC's personal whipping boy. Hooey, what the fuck did he do to piss Guan off? Huh? Plaster his real face around for everybody to see?

Jjs: That would be Cha, actually.

Hayden: No wonder why her vanilla ass hasn't been seen anywhere near this lit in like a year or two.

Jjs: Either that, or if her ass is as vanilla as you say, which is hard for me to disagree with, mind you, then she might just be having constant allergic reactions to herself or some shit.

Hayden: And speaking of allergic reactions, just take a look at this walking allergy disgracing us with his presence right now! He's giving me and everybody else the hives just by being scripted against our wills to be in the same room as him!

Jjs: Hayden, I've known SOF for what's practically felt like a century, and you would know that feeling, believe me, if he's been on your dick as much as he's been on mine throughout the years, and everybody knows that I am always willing to go to bat for him because come on, somebody has to. And I am the head admin of this community so it looks that much better on me. You know, I can honestly say that I could've made a pretty honest, decent living making SOF look good for all these years if I were to have been compensated for such services, but I didn't because I am just that good of a guy, really, you all know that. But that is something I haven't done for anyone else, not even you!

Hayden: And that is truly saying something, folks!

Jjs: Now, he wants to come out here and have the balls to try and call someone like me, who's done so much for him, out over his fucked up perception that we all see him as just some walking punch line, then, well, more power to him BECAUSE THAT IS EXACTLY HOW I SEE HIM! He is nothing but a joke, but even more than that, he is a joke that I wrote! Right down to each letter of the abbreviated version of his name! And now, he is even less than nothing without me feeding him dis dick! And let me just be the first to say right here, right now, live on the air, that absolutely nobody will be able to get some of dis dick AGAYN, all except for my best friend and closest confidant, Hayden tho! 

Hayden: Whip it out, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnn- wait, on second thought, that would be exactly what these neophytes would want, and you all know your boi Hayden tho, I ain't about giving the people what they want! So jjs, zip it back up, best buddy, because that is on our time! Not their time, or even Guan's time!

Jjs: And speaking of OUR TIME, the time will come soon enough when you and I both become SBC's Most Active Member!

Hayden: Fucking spoilers, jjs, shit!

Jjs: I'm sorry! I just get a little carried away when talking about us, because this is all about us!

Hayden: Never forget! But you know what, enough about us, and let's just see what this hypocritical dullard has to futilely say in retort!

Jjs: Something that's something to really forget I'm sure. So come on, Mr. Narrrrwhal, enlighten us!

SOF: I can see it. I can see all the hate and the ridicule and the disdain emanating right off your posts, straight out of your profiles, I can even see it in your avatars! My mere presence here sickens you, doesn't it? 

All the guests in attendance can more or less come into agreement on that sentiment.

SOF: That's good! That is very, very good, yes! I want you all to bottle up all those hard feelings and take it even further into your muscle memory, because get used to it, your Modern Day Maharawat shall remain active for a long time to come!

The guests all patboo that statement.

SOF: Just look at the statistics, I am just one of two competitors heading into this Six Pack Challenge with a crisp, clean 2-0 record! I just thought that that would be a friendly reminder for all of you who outright refuse to see all the good that I have contributed! The only other competitor stepping into this ring with a body of work that can equal mine is none other than The Worst Incarnate, himself! And as I remember correctly, one of those wins were rewarded to me after killing you, Hayden.

Hayden: Oh fucking can it, Kan! You only won that deathmatch because you had others helping you, as you always fucking do-

SOF: DO NOT CAN KAN! You had an L served to you by my hand and I know you try to forget about it til this very day, but the memory still remains no matter how much of jjs' dick you can will yourself to chug down! Nothing eases the pain for you! I am only reminding you of this, so that you, too, shall be accustomed to it like it were second nature when I once again kill you to become YOUR first ever Most Active Member! 

Hayden seethes at SOF opening up that old wound as jjs tries to comfort him.

SOF: You take a closer look at my other opponents in this match, and you will find their odds against SpongeOdd to be even worse. Fred only has a win over two non-members, two non-factors who are worth about as nothing to this community as that W is on his record! And Crushing and OBAB both are all talk and no walk, for they have no Deathmatches under their belt, yet you still treat them with more respect than you do The Maharawat?! I am not walking into this the underdog as you all would like to think! I am walking into this Six Pack Challenge as one of the biggest dogs in the fight, and this dog will have the biggest fight in him when he walks out with all the gold and the praise whether you like it or not!

 

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Wumbology is out now! Making his first Community Deathmatch appearance in fuck knows how long.

Hayden: Finally, someone who can help balance out the black hole of personality that is SOF.

Jjs: Yes, he is the best mod there is, the best mod there was and the best mod there ever will be, the study of Wumbo himself, Wumbology!

@Wumbo makes his way down to the ring, taking the time to bestow onto one lucky audience member the link to his much talked about blog.

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Jjs: A staple here on Community Deathmatch, Wumbo is a member who can just never make a bad post no matter how hard he may try! He took a simple typo on his part and turned it into one of the biggest hit and miss phenomenons of the last few years in simply Oink! He spent years of his life slaving over day and night making everything else on this site look good before currently spending even more years of his life slaving over day and night making music sound good or bad!

Hayden: And he's one of a many handful of dicks who SOF rides on a regular basis, so this should be halfway interesting to say the least.

Wumbo enters the ring to have a hart to hart talk with SOF.

SOF: Oha Wumbo, a very belated Canada Day to you.

Wumbo: The very same right back at you, SOF, the very same. But I'm not out here to exchange false pleasantries, I am out here to finally get to the bottom of what's got you so triggered, SOF. How everybody else may view you is entirely on them, but you of all people should know that I always held you in high regard SOF. Next to jjs, I went to bat for you the most. If there were people fucking with you, I would always stand up for you. You are not a hindrance to me, SOF, there is still a lot of good about you to like. And it would disappoint me, deeply, to see you throw all that good away based only on the shallow words of such a small majority. What happened to you, SOF? Sure, you've had your fair share of hate and negative feelings throughout the years but you always, ALWAYS, took your lumps and turned it into a positive. That's what I respect about you, SOF! No matter how much shit may hit your fan, your fan just kept blowing that fresh air through all the shit. You never let that shit get to you. But now I'm here viewing this Deathmatch installment and I see you pushing your weight around, turned up to 11. It's gotten to a point now where it just seems unnecessary and, dare I say, somewhat spammy!

The crowd of guests pop their loads hard at that line.

SOF: Enough is enough, Wumbo.

Wumbo: Enough is enough? Enough of what, SOF?

SOF: Enough of your bullshit.

Wumbo: Bullshit, eh? So what I'm saying, what I'm posting here right now for your benefit is just "bullshit" to you, huh? Well let me remind you of one very crucial thing, SOF. Never have I ever posted ANY bullshit in all my seven years of being a member of this community! You of all people should know that, so don't you ever dare imply otherwise or it will be the last thing you may ever post. I'm just giving you this one warning now. 

SOF: Well, there's a first time for everything, now is there?

Wumbo quickly gets right in SOF's face, who refuses to back down from his stance.

Wumbo: This isn't you, SOF. You are letting this shit change you, you're letting the opinions of others morph you into the very thing they see you as! I am one of the few who genuinely wants help you, SOF, but you are not making it easy.

SOF: I don't need your help. I don't need ANYONE's help, not anymore! I am sick and tired of you people making me feel as if I'm not even competent to fend for my own damn self!  I don't need anyone, especially not you, to hold my hand anymore! Enough is enough, AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE! And this is me, making the changes necessary for my survival! But you were right about one thing, Wumbo. I was a decent human being. I tried my damnedest to be a nice guy. I tried to play by the rules. But still, YOU TURNED YOUR BACKS ON ME! So I snapped! Myself back into place! I am no longer a victim! But as I recall, you were my victim.

Jjs: Ah yes, that's where the second W on SOF's 2-0 record comes from! Who else forgot that until now?

Wumbo: You really wanna bring that one up, eh? Need I remind you that I was competing in a goddamn gauntlet that night, I fought in two other Deathmatches immediately prior to facing you, one of which was a 2-on-1 handicap match! So I wouldn't put more than a grain of salt on that win.

SOF: You want to talk about fighting the gauntlet?! I fight the gauntlet every single time I decide to log in to this site! You people are relentless!

Wumbo: I took all the shit that was thrown at me that night and I fucking owned that shit! Even in defeat at the hands of you, I never let that shit change me! You've allowed this shit to change you, morph you into something infinitely shittier than what you used to be!

SOF: And there you go, you people once again thinking that you are better than me! When you have already willingly allowed yourself to submit to the whims of all the other people like yourself around you. You are no longer the best there is or the best there was or the best there ever will be, you are simply a fucking hack masquerading as Todd in the Shadows, who can never cut it in the blogosphere, doomed to have your irrelevant opinions lost in a sea of petty people just like you!

Wumbo just stands there completely silent, his heart sinking a bit before he pulls it back up again.

Wumbo: ...And there you go with "you people" again, you're not really helping your argument of discrimination when you keep throwing shade at "these people" or "those people". Which I don't even understand because you and I are both the proudest Canucks to ever step foot into a Deathmatch ring! You are insulting "our people"! We truly are no different, SOF. We both have our fair share faults and upsides. You and I, we both truly bleed the same maple fucking syrup that runs through both our veins! Hell, you still keep your Canadian pride alive by repping it all the way down to this ring. It's not too late, SOF, you can still make a change, and this time, for the better.

SOF removes the Canadian flag turban from his head and drapes it over his hand, looking down at it sentimentally.

SOF: You are right, I am keeping that side of me still alive. For years, Canada was all I ever knew. The people, the culture, the television. I would've laid my life on the line for this beautiful place if it were to ever come to it.

SOF takes a moment to contemplate what he's about to do before taking a sizable piece of shit, wiping his ass with the flag, and then throwing the excrement right in Wumbo's face along with the Canadian flag he just used.

SOF: But I received no such warmth from this truly ugly place in return! The closest thing to warmth being the fact that it kept my head dry these last couple of weeks as not only America's hat, but as mine, while I wait for my actual turban to come in the mail!

Wumbo throws all caution into the wind and charges at SOF, looking to mount an assault, but Harish and Omair get in the middle and keep him busy as SOF makes his escape from the ring.

Jjs: All of Canada is breaking loose here in the Deathmatch Arena as SOF literally takes a shit on an entire country! I have never seen him stoop so low in all my life, and I've already riffed his "Exciting Critic Corner"!

Hayden: WE riffed it, jjs! WE riffed it!

Harish and Omair attempt to double team Wumbo, but he's simply too much for them both to handle. He punches Harish off and pulls Omair in for a devastating Coral Driver!

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Jjs: Wumbo just about killed a fan favorite in Omair! He really is not in the mood right now!

Wumbo: Get back in this ring, SOF! You get back in here and take your lumps, you son of a botch! Fight me right now-

Harish tackles Wumbo from behind and they tangle on the mat for dominance for a bit, before Wumbo overtakes the SBMer and places him firmly in the Chart Topper!

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Harish begins tapping out for dear life until SOF charges back in and grabs Wumbo from behind for a cobra clutch. 

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SOF: Who are you?! You Elastic?!

He quips to mock the crowd as he chokes Wumbo out for a hot minute before lifting him up into a cobra clutch back breaker.

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SOF: You are not better than me! None of you are!

He then transitions it into a cobra clutch slam, taking the wind right out of the wumbooty.

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Jjs: The Cruse of SOF! The Cruse of SOF has been laid on Wumbo!

SOF: You want a match against me, The Maharawat?! You just get in line and wait your turn, because when I become Community Deathmatch's first ever Most Active User, I will gladly make you kiss the ground that I walk on! For you all stand at the threshold of a new age, The Era of The Modern Day Maharrrrawat! Now be quiet, as I speak to MY people, who truly understand me, in MY home language of punjabi.

SOF obnoxiously clears his throat.

SOF: Jadōṁ maiṁ kami'ūniṭī ḍaithamaica dā pahilā sabha tōṁ vadha saragarama upabhōgatā baṇadā hāṁ, maiṁ khuśī nāla mahārāśaṭara dē sighāsaṇa dē kisē vī bhagata nū lai kē āvāṅgā! Kō'ī gala nahīṁ ki tusīṁ kauṇa hō, jāṁ tusīṁ kithōṁ ā'ē hō, tusīṁ kinē ku cagē hō jāṁ kinē māṛē ḍhaga nāla iha cāhudē hō, ata dā natījā hamēśāṁ samāna hōvēgā. Hara kō'ī zamīna nū cumadā hai jisa tē maiṁ turadī hāṁ! Mahārāśaṭara dē ajōkē daura dā yuga nēṛē ā rihā hai. Ā'uṇa vālē samēṁ la'ī āpaṇē sarīra nū ti'āra karō!

SOF motions a belt around his waist, signaling that the Most Active Member title will come home to him, as he poses over a fallen Wumbo with Harish and Omair at his side. They eventually make their exit as Mr Dr Professor Patrick comes out to tend to a very physically and emotionally hurt Wumbology.

Jjs: Well folks, are we looking into the future here? Is the SpongeBob Community On the cusp of entering a new age, The Era of The Modern Day Maharawat?!

Hayden: Of fucking course not! You and I both know that, jjs.

Jjs: That we do, Hayden, that we do, so you all better take that as a spoiler alert!

Wumbo wills himself back up to his feet as the crowd of guests cheer him on to make him feel better. He shouts at them to expect a new entry in his billboard ranking thread soon-ish before heading to the back under his own power, with hilaryfan80 checking up on him with a new thread every step of the way.

Jjs: Never in all my years here did I ever expect to see Wumbo and SOF, of all people, actually come to blows here right before our very eyes. It just goes to show that just about anything can happen here on Community Deathmatch, Hayden!

Hayden: It also goes to show just how fucking fickle other so-called "friendships" are in comparison to our's, so +1 for us, jjs!

Jjs: +1 for us, indeed, Hayden! And if you're not watching, then what the fuck ARE you watching? Really? The fucking SBC Show that stars no well-known SBCer whatsoever, mind you, aside from maybe a very poorly written version of WhaleBlubber.

Hayden: OR they could just be tuning into The Riffing Theater, starring the two best friends that nobody can have!

Jjs: Of course everybody is watching The Riffing Theater, Hayden, shit! I'm at least humoring DM a little here, getting its hopes up a bit that there isn't a more superior lit already out there.

 

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@The Drifter makes his way out to the ring now for his official Community Deathmatch debut. He enters the ring with his guitar in hand and tunes it a bit to a lukewarm reaction from the crowd.

Jjs: Now here's a face that we haven't seen around these parts in quite a while. The Drifter has been out and about drifting around god's country, chasing the American Dream! We shall see the fruits of his labors right here, right now!

Hayden: Or hear the fruits of his labors from the horrible sound of things.

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The Drifter strums his guitar and begins his rousing performance.

The Drifter: ♪The SpongeBob fandom is baaathed in filth!♪

He's interrupted by the patboos and heckling from the crowd, The Drifter not at all amused by their intrusion.

The Drifter: ♪And you Americans are aaall the saaame! This country's so depressing, and you aaare all to blame. You all bitch about your president, like a bunch of self-entitled kiiids! While us Indonesians, we would kill for a leader like hiiim. You all have your freedoms! You all still got your constitutional riiights! What the hell has your country come to? You all just come off like little shiiites. I want you all to listen, so listeeen veeery clooose! The Drifter has come along, tooo take awaaay all of those. I am calling one of you out, sooo answeerr if you miiight! So which one of you will answer, and put up at least a half-decent fight? Your founding fathers, laid the groundwooorrrk for you aaall! But almost 300 years later, you all still got no balls!♪That was "All You Americans Are Fucking Filth" by The Drifter, buy that instead of that poppy shit on iTunes♪ That was "'All You Americans Are Fucking Filth' by The Drifter, buy that instead of that poppy shit on iTunes" by The Drifter, buy that instead of that poppy shit on iTunes, thank you.

Jjs: Dafuq was that shit?

Hayden: Ear rape in every sense of the term, best buddy. I, for one, would actually love to see Wumbo review that shit to fucking hell.

Jjs: Don't encourage him, Hayden. Don't you fucking encourage him. Anyway, just who in their right state of mind will step up to the star-spangled challenge of The Drifter and defend the honor of our aight country?! Your guess will be as good as mine, that's for fucking sure.

 

A whole gang of ancient Hawaiian fire and hula dancers make their way out to the entrance ramp, dancing to their hearts content.

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Hayden: Jjs, not gonna lie, I'm fucking terrified right now.

Jjs: Hold me, PLEASE, Hayden.

The kahuna of the dance steps up and invokes the arrival of somebody.

Jjs: Don't let go.

Hayden: I'll never let go of you, jjs!

Kahuna: e ku i ka hookipa ana meaʻai kākele makuahine! ua hoʻoneʻe ma i ka mokupuni o ka mahinaai nei! he kanaka maoli aloha i loko o na pono! Ua, e hoouna aku oe haole i loko hoʻi i ka hale a me nā mea a pau i kona ikaika a pau!

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Dancers: meaʻai kākele makuahine! e ala, e ala!

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Dancers: Meaʻai kākele makuahine iʻaneʻi!

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Dancers: Meaʻai kākele makuahine mea maikai!

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Dancers: Meaʻai kākele makuahine iʻaneʻi!

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Dancers: A me ia mea i mau haole hou!

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Dancers: Meaʻai kākele makuahine iʻaneʻi! Meaʻai kākele makuahine mea maikai! Meaʻai kākele makuahine iʻaneʻi! A me ia mea i mau haole hou!

 

Hayden: Oh dear fucking god, there's an actual wrestling gimmick in the middle of this stereotypical shit show?

Kahuna: Wāhine a me nā keonimana, now hailing from Kokaua Town on the Garden Isle of Hawai'i Nei, Sweet & Sour Leilani!

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@Sauce Mama makes her way out now under her new name with a surfboard under her arm and some malasadas being grinded on in her mouth.

Jjs: I just knew this was her judging from all this savage man meat.

Hayden: How much you wanna bet she just reads this one part and then leaves.

She kindly greets her fellow natives and tries dancing along with them but she is terribly off-beat. She lays her surfboard on the ground and hops on it, pretending to shred an imaginary wave in order to get a reaction for her totally tubular surf skills brah. She has a microphone thrown at her, which she catches and shakas with, in order to address The Drifter's star-spangled challenge.

Sweet & Sour Leilani: I shall now speak in the native tongue of my people. Ho brah, you stay talkin stink bout America brah?! If you no like it then LEAVE, GO HOME LO LO! Although, I feel small kine inclined to agree that America sucks boto cuz!

Jjs: ...Is that an insult, or...

Sweet & Sour Leilani: You haoles heard me right cuz, AMERICA SUCKS BOTO!

Jjs: okay, I guess it is then.

Sweet & Sour Leilani: Aisus! America is all buss brah! You haoles just makin mo problems brah! Dats why Hawaii get cleaner air, crystal clear oceans cuz. You lo lo heads are all hammajang I no want dat to happen to my home, to my aina! You haoles not akamai cuz! You all best go home and stay there and keep yo shit outta my Hawaii Nei, raj? And if you no can do dat, Sweet & Sour Leilani go kick your okoles back home where you belong brah! Rajah dat, bu! I outta here cuz, I'm goin back to my overpriced condo baskin in true island paradise brah! Hana hou, suck a big boto, I'm out!

Sweet & Sour Leilani proceeds to leave the Deathmatch Arena and heads back home with all her people.

Jjs: Did she just fucking diss America too just now?

Hayden: Have fun picking pineapples, eating spam and paying the most for gas for the rest of your life!

Jjs: Patriotism in full force here tonight on Community Deathmatch, folks! 

The Drifter strums his guitar again sings another tune.

The Drifter: ♪Well you all just proved to meee that Americaaa is a meeesss! If anyone still wants to challenge meee, then pleeeaaaseee be my gueeest!♪ "America Is Straight Fucked Up" by The Drifter, download it on iTunes now and not that poppy shit.

Jjs: You know, Hayden, I'm thinking that maybe you and I can answer this challenge in order to build up more momentum for ourselves heading into the Six Pack Challenge, ya know? I mean, SOF did it earlier

Hayden: And fucking failed.

Jjs: Yes, that he did, Hayden, that he did! But this is US, this is the power of OUR friendship! So let's put the "US" back in the "US of A", you feelin me?

Hayden: I'd like to, I really fucking would, jjs. Stop fucking teasing me, man!

Jjs: So let's fucking do this thing-

Their rallying is suddenly interrupted by the timely arrival of a helicopter, hovering into the Deathmatch Arena and sucking a few poor guests through the propeller blades like a goddamn vacuum. It lands right in the middle of a crowd and a lone guest disembarks from it, 

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The Guest proceeds to swagger his way down to the ring to seemingly answer The Drifter's challenge!

Jjs: What in Neptune's name? Folks, a fucking helicopter just landed right here in the Deathmatch Arena and there's a fucking ceiling and everything, I have no conceivable idea how the hell it possibly did that, maybe hilaryfan80 coded a little something-something special for the occasion but forgot to make a thread about it, but that's besides the point I'm trying to make here. 

Hayden: What my best friend is trying to say is that a helicopter came flying in and it dropped off a single, solitary guest and just who this guest is, well, your guess is as good as this guest because this is the fucking best we're gonna get here! I mean, he came in on a helicopter, no possible way in or out, so how the fuck that happened, I honestly haven't a clue, but it seems very important. This guest seems very important! And he's making his way down to ring now clad in all red, white and blue attire! 

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Hayden: Jjs, this is our motherfucking guy right here! Not wanting to just lurk around and watch any longer, this guest has taken it upon himself to carry the weight of the pride of our entire country on his broad shoulders without even having to make an account! This is the guy who will single-handedly make America great again, and that is an unpopular opinion that I will take with me to my fucking grave! You know what you get, guest, when you have a presence in this community without even making an account, huh? You know what that gets you in this community, guest? *clicks pen* YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!

Hayden jots "guest" onto his list of unpopular opinions as the guest riles the crowd up with a rousing "USA!" chant and even a "Guest!" chant.

Crowd: GUEST! GUEST! GUEST! GUEST! GUEST!

The guest goes to hop the guard rail, but he gets intercepted by Captcha Security, who simply step aside as the Guest swaggers on through.

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Jjs: Well, it's sure nice to know that Captcha still aren't doing their jobs!

Hayden: We're gonna get bombarded with Welsh Dresser Creams that's for sale in the UK, aren't we?

The Guest asserts that he is not a robot.

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Jjs: NOT A ROBOT!

Hayden: Yes!

Jjs: This is the kind of member that I wanna see joining here more often! You heard it here first, folks!

The Guest then brushes past the picture puzzle with relative ease. He finally circles the ring, which houses The Drifter, who looks none to impressed by this mere guest stepping up in his fries like this. The Guest gets into the ring right across from The Drifter and they size each other up.

Guest: You know something, ever since I started lurking here, I had an itch under my skin that became a rash! What you are is a cancer in the SpongeBob Fandom! Everybody wants to know-

The members start piling in already, amazeballed by this guest's gusto.

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Guest: WAIT A SECOND! Everybody wants to know what's wrong with America, theres nothing wrong with America! What's really wrong with America is blood-sucking, don't know if you wanna be Indian or Asian leeches like you! You don't deserve to have Chip as your avatar! Chip is an all-time, all-American snack food! You are a disgrace to the SpongeBob Fandom! The only thing wrong with America IS YOU! And I'm here to clean house right here, right now! Because I am not YOUR guest, YOU are simply a guest in MY country! Ring the bell!

The Guest motions for the bell to be rung, which is it does, and The Drifter immediately goes on the offensive by taking his guitar and smashing it over the Guest's head as the Guest's back was turned.

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Jjs: The Drifter just El Kabonged the Guest from behind!

Hayden: Boo this man!

The Drifter prematurely celebrates having this one in the bag. While he's preoccupied with that, the Guest simply brushes the pieces of guitar parts off of him, completely no-selling the el kabong because 'Murica! The Guest turns around pissed at The Drifter, who is still busy calling out all you Americans in the crowd for your many insecurities. The Guest then tears off his Stars and Stripes shirt and tosses it to the ground.

Hayden: Hey, isn't that like desecrating the flag, or something?

The Drifter finally turns back around to the Guest still alive and well, staring a hole right through his very soul before intimidating him with dat American-made physique.

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The Guest suckers The Drifter in, allowing him to kick The Drifter below the belt. The Drifter drops to the mat in great pain.

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Hayden: The dirtiest country in the world!

Jjs: The Guest turns over to America now and calls upon the strength of 326 million strong! He's sizing up The Drifter! He's taunting him to get back up his feet! He wants it, he needs it! We need it! America needs its! It is the motivation that we as a country need during these trying times! He proceeds to lift The Drifter up off his feet! This is some heavy shit! Can he do it?! Will he do it?!

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Jjs: HE DID IT! HE DID IT FOR AMERICA!

Hayden: IN AMERICA!

The Guest cuts his own celebration short, not wanting to make the same mistake The Drifter made, as he sees The Drifter stirring back up to his feet. The Guest grabs him from behinds and hoists The Drifter right onto his shoulders and places him in a torture rack!

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Jjs: A torture rack has been applied by the guest, wrenching away at The Drifter's spine!

Hayden: No negative connotations here, folks!

The Drifter writhes in agony, but this won't be enough to put him away, so the Guest throws him down hard to mat and searches for something under the ring that could get the job done. The guest pulls out a jug of water from under the ring.

Jjs: I suppose now would be a good time to finally plug one of our legally required, contractually obligated advertisements! 

Hayden: Tonight's Canada & Independence Day episode of Community Deathmatch has been brought to you in part by, "Water"! Why get drunk on America's birthday like a bunch of stupid idiots when you're probably not even gonna remember it the next day? Drink the healthier alternative that roughly 24.39% of active users are indulging in today! "Water", drink it iiiiin, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!

Jjs: The Guest is now pulling what appears to be some kind of cloth-like rag of some sort out from under the ring now and he's now bringing both instruments over to his opponent, who may or may not have seen better days. It's hard to really say given his character as a subhuman being.

Hayden: The Guest is taking The Drifter back onto his shoulders agayn and he's placing him in the torture rack once more! He really wants to continue his assault on the spine of The Drifter.

Jjs: But what's this? The Guest is also simultaneously smothering him with that cloth-like rag! He's got a firm placement of it now right over The Drifter's face as he lets it sit there while the torture rack continues to be applied! The Guest is picking up the jug of water and-oh dear Neptune below, this is a water boarding! Folks, if you thought there weren't any negative connotations being made before, you might just want to rethink that assessment right now! This certainly does not bode well for The Drifter!

Hayden: The guest is not only forcing The Drifter to drink it in, man, but by god, he is drowning him in it! THIS HAS NOT BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU IN PART BY "WATER"! THIS HAS NOT BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU IN PART BY "WATER"!

The Drifter slowly in the guest's Torture Rack before finally going limp from all the waterlog. Feeling that The Drifter has finally gone limp, the guest then proceeds to him his body spine-first right onto his knees, breaking his spinal column.

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Hayden: As god is my witless, The Drifter's spine has been broken smack-dab in half!

The guest kicks The Drifter's dead account out of the ring as the belated celebration for America's birthday really begins.

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Hayden: We+did+it+because+stephen+colbert+is+50+

Jjs: giphy.gif

Hayden: This truly a moment that will go down in American history and take its place in social studies curriculums all over the USA! From all of us here at Community Deathmatch, with the obvious exception of "Water", we would like to wish everyone that matters a very belated, very happy Canada and Independence Days! Good fight, good night...in America!

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Guest: Don't ever forget what happened on July 9 RIGHT HERE in the Deathmatch Arenaaaaa!

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Our post credits scene opens up to Guan, who is somewhere backstage talking on his phone. He tries to shoo camera man away, not wanting to be seen like this.

Guan: Shoo! Get away! This is a private matter!

He heads into the privacy of his office the camera follows him in there anyway.

Guan: Well, it's about goddamn time you answered. What the fuck was all THAT supposed to be?! A guest?! You shoehorned in a guest into MY script?! I made it perfectly clear that tonight's episode was supposed to see the huge rebuild of Aya's America and the main event push that follows, but you went behind my back and you executively meddled with my plans! ... Oh I know the role you played in helping me to secure the rights to this literature, don't you try and hold that above my head! If it wasn't for me bringing this lit to your attention, your studio would've gone under! ... I couldn't give two shits if you are my producer, I am the director here, you don't just go around strong arming and completely fucking with my artistic vision! ... I don't care if there is money to be made on this guest of yours, this was the story that I WANTED TO TELL and once again, you've fucked things up for me! ... All my life, ALL MY LIFE, OLD MAN! ... You are so lucky that I never got CPS on your ass for all the times THAT YOU'VE FUCKED ME! ... You know what, we are going to play things your way, again. We are going to run with this thing, we are ALL going to get on board The Guest Express and run with it straight into the fucking ground so maybe then you will come to realize just how fucking outdated your way of doing business really is!

Guan angrily hangs up him phone and throws it at the camera.

Guan: I SAID GET THAT FUCKING CAMERA OUT OF MY FAC-

The Guest Express Tour 2017 officially gets underway as we are treated to various clip art of the huge PR opportunity in motion.

 

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Notes/Trivia

 

Just so that it doesn't completely confuse anybody, here is the origin of the overtly patriotic guest

https://www.sbmania.net/forums/topic/2269-usa/

and I might as well throw in the origin of Spongabob and the Russian Federation

https://www.sbmania.net/forums/topic/56097-sponge-bob-game/

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, it's just a new dump!

 

Prez is Ringing in A New Dump

We open up to a large church choir that's been assembled to help ring in the dawning of a new section on SBM, because HALLELUJAH THE DUMP IS GREAT AGAIN! A familiar member makes his way through the choir in order to reach something, making sure to spit his opinions, but most of all, spam his topics at them, along the way.

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He literally slides on over to the Start New Topic button and let's loose.

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Prez: Let me say somethin! It's tiiime to forget about the past!

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Prez: I SAAAAAIIIIID that it's time to the to the future!

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Prez: I SAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIID 

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Prez: that it's time for The Dump to be good.

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Prez: Because this , this is a New Dump.

Some members are forced to come in to prevent him from spamming anymore topics.

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Choir: Lets give The Dump a fresh coat of paint! Look into the mirror, it's who you gotta chaaange! Get us back on the right road, on the right track, on the right flow! Live the future that we all know! Can't change the past, gotta let it all go!

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Prez: IT'S A NEW DUMP! NOBODY WANTS IT!

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Prez: WOOHOOHOOHOO! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN ABOUT RIGHT THERE-

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Katniss: Stop spamming topics. :P

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