Community Deathmatch

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

oh gawd this was hilarious

[Aya♥]

SBC DON'T WANT NONE

[Old Man Jenkins]

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, it's not things can possibly get any worse!

 

Opportunity Knocks

We open up to Old Man Jenkins wandering around somewhere in the annals of the Deathmatch Arena, looking a lil too proud of himself, likely over his all-out beat down of ACS #117564736. Deathmatch #1 Announcer, Kevin Ng, approaches the old man with a mic in hand, hoping to find some answers.

Kevin Ng: Deathmatch #1 Announcer, Kevin Ng, here LIVE! having just walked up to Community Deathmatch founder and creator, Old Man Jenkins like I fucking own the place! OMJ, would you care to shed some light on the deathmatch faithful on just as to why you launched yet another brutal attack on Buffet Club President-elect for his turd term, ACSBehemothHellcatHawkbitAlphaWark?

OMJ: Does-

OMJ looks around very confused at his surroundings.

OMJ: Does this look like my fucking ask thread to you, Kevin? Is this some kind of a joke, like good ole, "haha vintage Kevin!"? Because if it isn't

OMJ slaps the microphone out of Kevin's hands, grabs Deathmatch's #1 Announcer by the throat 

OMJ: that makes it a fucking insult to me and my fucking intelligence for you to just ask me questions smack dab in the middle of the fucking anals, THE ANALS, of the Deathmatch Arena as if you, of all fucking people, fucking own the place.

Kevin: Well sorry, OMJ...I-I didn't mean any, you know, disrespect by it-

OMJ: I'M FUCKING KIDDING!

Kevin flinches in fright for a second before regaining his composure as OMJ gives him playful pats on the shoulder

Kevin: Y-You are?

OMJ: Of fucking course, slutface! "This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein" do you even fucking read that, mang?

Kevin: Why he's, but-

OMJ: Look, I'm sorry, mang. Really. I-I tried to crack a cheap, mean-spirited laugh at your expense, and I apologize. Deeply. It's the nature of the beast that we're all posting in. "Living in", more like it. It carries me away sometimes.

OMJ dusts off Kevin's suit and straightens up his tie.

OMJ: You're like a son to me, Slut-...Kevin. I should know to treat you better.

Kevin: I am?

OMJ: Well, at one time. But this is no longer 2013, this is 2017. You're no longer the impressionable young little shit who noobed his way around to make ends meet and looked to me as a sort of god, and I am definitely no longer looked up to as some sort of god by you or anyone else anymore. Nope, they look up to pretenders such as this

 

OMJ: as a role model now when at that time, four years ago, he would've easily just left everyone and everything here just like *snaps* that, and all because he never felt appreciated, as a means to satisfy his own inflated ego in order to make up for a golden community award that he didn't win for that year. How fucking petty is that, mang? It's funny how much things can change in that amount of time. I mean, look at how much you've changed, how much everybody else have changed, how much this community has changed, how much even Deathmatch has changed.

Kevin: And how much you've changed?

OMJ: Haha, there goes that vintage sense of humor again, mang! I sure am gonna miss it once our time shared together here reaches its end and then we proceed to not bother each other for a couple more months. I guess what Clappy and his curtain circle jerkers go on about does have some meat to it, looking at it now; Character development is a mystery. A small change that no one sees.

Kevin: Clock makes a fool of history! Yeah, I've heard that song too.

OMJ: See, you fucking get it, Kevin. You're a fan of wrestling, you admire wrestling, you get wrestling, therefore you should get me and what I do, as well as why I do the things I do. But you know as well as I do that you really don't.

Kevin: I'm sorry, I'm confused here...what are you trying to

OMJ: I'm fucking kidding! AGAIN, Vintage! Come on, Kev, you pathetic fuck! You fucking chink in everyone's armor! Bring it in!

OMJ pulls Kevin in for a playful noogie.

OMJ: You've gotta stop taking Deathmatch so srs, mang! It's all fun and games here

Kevin: Until somebody gets killed!

OMJ: Atta fuckin boy! You've been doing that thing your doctor has recommended for you to do, haven't you? Huh? You've been learning ever so fucking slowly, haven't you!

OMJ let's him go and fixes up his hair.

OMJ: But on the realsies tho, to finally answer your question, I really wouldn't care to shed anymore light on whatever's already been shed so now that that little minor irrelevancy is out of the way, how's about you head on out and actually fucking do your job! The job that I hand picked you to do for some very big reason! You are somehow Deathmatch's #1 announcer, after all. Opportunity for more juicy shit is knocking every which corner you go around these SpongeBob fan sites! And so I've been told, by the fucking writer himself mind you, there is an opportunity knocking just for you out there in that ring tonight! So put on your best suit and tie, pick that fucking microphone up off the fucking ground, and fucking kill it out there mang. These poor fucks ain't gonna interview themselves!

Kevin: Really? I mean, thank you! Thank you for the opportunity, OMJ! I'll head out there right now!

OMJ puts a hand over his heart, taken aback by Kevin's warm gratitude

OMJ: Ohhh, if only more people here shared your appreciation see you in a few months, Kevin!

Kevin: Definitely!

OMJ walks off as Kevin makes his way over in the opposite direction. Kevin is suddenly stopped in his tracks by the sound of clapping. He looks around for the source as the camera pans out to reveal that it is none other than Hayden Shellder.

Hayden: Had you going for a bit there, didn't I? Ominous sounds of clapping leads you to believe that it is your shepherd, Clappy, as your sheepish nature should lead you to believe, when it is really none other than The Gift of Hayden tho.

Hayden: Drink it up, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnn!

Kevin: Sorry, I don't drink spiked kool-aid.

Hayden: Oh, you wouldn't drink up Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay! Y2Hay, Hayden's tho I'm sure if it were Clappy's or Nugs' or Kat's or hilaryfan80's or even Cha's shameless, dated, 2013-level like baiting tactics spiked kool-aid, I'd bet top doubloon that you would be the first in line to chug it all down, maaaaaaaaan!

Kevin: Is there a method to your madness here, or are you just here to blow more fucking hot air and single-handedly destroy the ozone?

Hayden: Oh, so you believe in global warming now, huh? A very popular opinion shared by most sheep that isn't quite shared by Hayden tho. Hmmm, last I check

Hayden pulls up a clipboard labelled "List of Unpopular Opinions".

Hayden: IT ALREADY MADE THE LIST! But you know what hasn't already made the list, Kevin? Huh? Do you, Kevin? Do you know what isn't already unpopular on the list of Hayden tho, Kevin? Do you know what being a sheep, a hypocrite, a parasitic tapeworm and a marmoset all rolled into one gets you, Kevin? Huh-

Kevin starts to walk away from Hayden and resumes making his way toward the ring. The farther Kevin walks away, the louder and more unpopular Hayden gets.

Hayden: Do you know what walking away from the truth does for you, Kevin?! Do you know what having such simple-minded, irrelevant opinions gets you in life, Kevin?! Do you know the ramifications of not having half a brain can have on you, Kevin?! Kevin! Don't you walk away from this! There is no escape from where your running is about to get you, Kevin! Huh?! Wanna know where exactly it gets you, Kevin?! Huh?! *gulps*

Chad Francis: Good evening Death fans! And welcome to the next exciting episodic installment of one of SBC's longest running bi-monthly episodic programming in the history of all of SpongeBob fandom, this is Community Deathmatch! I'm the future replacement for Bill O'reilly's time slot, Chad Francis!

American Idiot: And I am your Savior of Misbehavior, the Pizza Guy, American Idiot! And what a night full of drama and action we've got on our hands tonight, Francis!

Chad Francis: Yes, Idiot! If that dose of drama that just took place backstage wasn't enough to satisfy your fix for spam-fueled SpongeBob fansite violence, then prepare to OD harder than Prince in an elevator.

American Idiot: Really, just like that, Francis?

Chad Francis: Just like *snaps* that, Idiot.

American Idiot: And I'm the perceived heel of this announce team here?

Chad Francis: So without any further ado, let's head down to the ring with Deathmatch #1 Announcer, Kevin Ng, who is standing by for tonight's first featured competitor!

Kevin Ng: Deathmatch #1 Announcer here to answer opportunity's knock! Standing by for tonight's first featured competitor in tonight's featured Deathmatch! And I do believe here he comes now!

 

American Idiot: So, who the fuck is this guy, Francis?

Chad Francis: Hmmm, my sources from beyond the wiki tell me that the member making his way to the ring is none other than @pulker989!

American Idiot: What?! Pulker989?!

Chad Francis: Yes, Pulker989!

American Idiot: The same pulker989 who has done absolutely jack shit since joining, bringing his existence as an actual human being into question?!

Chad Francis: The very same, Idiot!

American Idiot: Then what a squash match do we have in store for you tonight, folks!

Chad Francis: I wouldn't count him out for the count just yet, Idiot! After all, anything can happen here in the Deathmatch Arena!

American Idiot: Yeah, where else can your sorry ass still be relevant after essentially erasing yourself off the face of the Internet! What happened to the ole YouTube new channel, Francis? It sure has been a while since you posted on your SBM account that seems to no longer be there!

Chad Francis: And it's shit like this that makes me step a couple hundred feet back, delete my youtube videos, give up on my hopes and dreams, and re-evaluate my life.

Pulker989 makes his way into the ring for his pre-Deathmatch interview with Kevin Ng.

Kevin Ng: Pulker989-

Pulker989: Please, enough formalities! Just call me, Pulker!

America Idiot: Dafuq kind of name is that, Francis?

Chad Francis: Wikipedia doesn't know everything, Idiot.

Kevin Ng: Alright, Pulker, you stand here in the middle of the Community Deathmatch Arena in front of both your peers and hundreds of lurking guests, a little over two years removed from when you first joined and then very quickly left SBC. What, if anything, influenced your extremely brief stay and, ultimately, what brought you back here today?

Pulker: When I first joined the SpongeBob Community, I joined with every intent on getting you all to "Pulker Up" behind your's truly, but alas, opportunity knocked at my door and it opened up to me a whole world of people who needed to Pulker Up, and so that became my life's mission for the last two years and I must say, it has been a Pulkering success! MILLIONS all across the globe are Pulkering Up behind me! You think the likes of Puffy Fluffy, Supermandude, Lilcorey, Aya, Metal Snake or The Enigma himself got their asses kissed, well you ain't seen dis ass! Fun fact for all of you, my ass was officially the first kiss for 300 million different people! That is roughly the current population of the entire United States of America, and that number only continues to grow with each passing that dis ass continues to co-exist alongside this hell of a man that you see before you!

The crowd trolls him by chanting "Kevin!" in response!

Chad Francis: This Pulker sure isn't short on ego, I'll give him that much. It's something that can get you far here on Community Deathmatch. But I feel inclined to point out that the only thing with 10 feet of that ass of his is his head 10 feet up it!

American Idiot: Could you have some goddamn respect for once, Francis! This is one hell of a man that we are fortunate enough to have grace us with his presence here tonight, and yet here you are, giving him nothing but unjustified shit when he is out there making the world a better place for himself! He is pouring his heart out right now hoping that others will learn from his accomplishments! People could learn from having initiative like his, but I guess you wouldn't know that, now would you, Francis? Being a failed news reporter and all, having to fall back on "reporting" on petty Internet drama on a lit that is chock-full of it. You are just a regular Keemstar, aren't you, Francis? A real John Scarce! You know what's really scarce these days? Honest, well to do actual news reporters with real sources! And another thing that's scarce, is respect! So shut your damn mouth, Pulker the fuck Up and give this hell of a man the respect that he truly deserves! That's all I demand! He already has enough to deal with from these unappreciative degenerates, so the last thing he needs is a supposedly unbiased play-by-play commentator railing his ass when he should be kissing it! I know that I may be an idiot to many, including yourself, but you, Francis? YOU. ARE. A. HACK! No pizza for you! Ever!

Pulker: That's funny, real funny! I get it! I'm the "ass" and he's "the hell of a man that you see before you", I see you guys! I do! But I do have to disrespectfully disagree, he isn't the one you all should be Pulkering Up behind, he is far from it. So now that you all got his dick out of your throats, how's about you really Pulker Up, buttercups, behind One Hell of a Man!

American Idiot: I'm all pulkered up and hankering to have a go! What about you, Francis?

Chad Francis: If I were you, I'd leave me the fuck alone for the rest of this episode, Idiot.

Kevin: Well, you can argue with that, but it's not in my job description to do so! I'd like to thank you, Pulker, for taking some time out of all the time that you have on your hands to come out and give the ACS in attendance and the ACS watching at home a little look behind the veil that is "Pulker Up!" and I wish you nothing but the worst heading into tonight's Deathmatch-

 

Chad Francis: What the- No way?! No fucking way Jose?! This can't possibly be fucking possible?! Could Deathmatch finally be getting its own fucking Walrus?!

Right after that was said, a fat, slimy, sleaze ball looking Jew in a suit and tie waddles out to the entrance way with a microphone.

American Idiot: Oh my fucking Neptune, it is, Francis! The Walrus has finally migrated his way towards his natural habitat, and even I couldn't love it any less than I do now!

Chad Francis: Where's any big game hunters when you fucking need them? I'm sure walrus tusks can go for just as much as a rhino's nowadays! Or maybe at least send out some skinheads or something- The Buffet Club! Yes, how's about we send in The Buffet Club?! Fucking hell! The Deathmatch Arena has officially been injected with a lethal dose of poison here! And that poison's name is-

???: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Tropical Nards!

Chad Francis: SON OF A BITCH!

Nards: And I am now officially The Advocate for a Once in a Lifetime Member, the likes of which you may never see again! And I know the whole lot of you must be wondering, "EW NARDS!", "GTFO NARDS!", "OH WE JUST LOATHE NARDS!" There's a little something that you all as people seem to lack, and it's not just brains, oh no siree fucking bob. Simply put, just like all the girls in my life, you all just don't got Nards. And do you want to know why you don't got Nards? It's because you don't have nards, both figuratively and literally! When was the last time I posted in this thread to give the writer a whole litany of ideas all involving yours truly? Two, three years ago maybe? And what do I have to show for it? A few butt of the joke cameos scattered around here and there and a throwaway squash match that was supposed to be an exhibition against some lame ass fuck who posted for one day and then never came back again! But, as the official advocate for my client, who will be making his second appearance here in the Deathmatch Arena but it will, in fact, be his first time here in the major fucking leagues, I must step myself aside and do what my client keeps me around for to do, and that is to boldly do what he, himself, has never done before and that is to sell something, and this something, in particular, is this fucking match!

American Idiot: It's what's Jews does best, Francis!

Nards: My client, much like myself, is certainly no stranger to your shared animosity. You can say that that is what brought my client and myself together in the first place. I like to think that my client believes in me as much as I put my faith in my client, but that is just a hypothetical, and I just so happen to deal in hypotheticals. These writers suggest having this shell of a man be my client's first major league opponent, I suggest that my client deserves better. My client wants to reboot a crappy lit of his, I suggest that my client absolutely should not reboot that crappy lit of his. My client wants to change his username for the buhmillionth time, I suggest that my client refrains from changing his username for the buhmillionth time in order to preserve his brand name. My client claims that his works and offerings to the spinoff/lit community is some of the best wares to be experienced out there today, I humbly remind my client that his schlock is some of the absolute worst pieces of disasters ruining the spinoff/lit community today. My client says that he is an ass kicking machine, I tell my client that he is certainly a shoo-in for Flats but that he is definitely no machine. I said it before and I shall say it again, my client is a once in a lifetime member that neither SpongeBob fansite may never see again. And being the advocate for a Once in a Lifetime Member such as my client, I advocated my ass off to ensure that my client will be compensated royally for his unique services and contributions to the growth of the Community Deathmatch brand! I advocated that my client brings legitimacy to any spinoff and/or literature he finds himself in! I advocated that my client's brand of legitimacy is the hypothetical, legit worst shit to ever be unleashed into any spinoff and/or literature! You can just look at the Riffing Theater for hypothetical proof! And through all my advocating, I finally secured my client a rather lucrative, exclusive deal with Community Deathmatch, the likes of which has never been seen before and may very well never be seen again! My client was offered an exclusive deal with Community Deathmatch to be featured exclusively in Community Deathmatch for the foreseeable future! That's right, so if you want to see my client do what he does best, and that is being the worst, you will have to tune in exclusively to Community Deathmatch to see this Once in a Lifetime Member! And I did do good to ensure that my client will be compensated royally by successfully advocating for him to be the first member to ever be paid in doubloons per appearance! Be it in an official Deathmatch, an exhibition, a promo, even so much as a cameo appearance, my client will be compensated to his utmost satisfaction! My client and I can both agree that Community Deathmatch can bring out the absolute best in its member base. But please, do not misconstrue this as Community Deathmatch somehow "owning" my client. Rather, consider Community Deathmatch to be my client's "new home".

Chad Francis: Unbelievable! An unprecedented deal has been made only here on Community Deathmatch! And we still don't know just who Nards' client is yet!

American Idiot: Wait, so it isn't Mike Lient?

Nards: Also, as per the terms of my client's new exclusivity deal, my client has been given quite a bit of sway, a good amount of creative control over who his opponents may be. So Puker, "pulker up", buttercup and get your lousy ass to the back of the line because tonight, my client has been given the go ahead to feast on you, @kevinNG!

The camera zooms in on Kevin's look of shock.

Nards: See, this is why you get the Jew!

Chad Francis: Oh dear Neptune below, Kevin is nowhere near prepared for this, Idiot! He's been built up to be Deathmatch's #1 Announcer for fuck's sake! He hasn't competed in a Deathmatch in damn near four years! He's out of practice, out of shape, and quite hypothetically, out of his league!

American Idiot: And out of his mind should he choose to abide by these terms, which he really seems to have no choice in the matter, anyway! Every member is fair game here on Community Deathmatch, Francis! We're just lucky enough that it wasn't us! Community Deathmatch shows no prejudices!

Chad Francis: A very inconvenient truth for Kevin NG here tonight!

Nards: Now Dylan Jr., please do not take this personally, at least on my part. I advocated that my client be slated to face somebody better, but once my client has his sights set on something, it is oh so very hard for my client to be shaken away from it. It's completely out of my hands, my hands and conscience are clean! Whereas I believe that you deserve at least a shred of respect, my client disagrees! I believe that you contributed leaps and bounds more to the spinoff/lit community than my client ever did, my client disagrees! I believe that Mrs. Asian Mom is one of SBC's most underrated gems, my client disagrees! I am of the opinion that you wiped your works such as Mrs. Asian Mom clean from the SpongeBob Community not out of cowardice or shame, but as a means to give yourself a clean slate in order to reboot yourself anew, my client disagrees! Kevin, I believe you were told that "opportunity would be knocking at your door" tonight.  When really, it should've been worded, "my client, 'The Vanquisher', 'The Worst Incarnate', ZZZZZZZZZAID CCCCCCCCATDOG will be breaking that fucker down and taking you on a trip to CIRCUIT CITY, BITCH!

 

Zaid Catdog hits the entrance ramp and meets up with his advocate, who is the only one applauding him as they make their way to the ring.

Kevin frantically implores to Pulker.

Kevin: I didn't sign up for this. Seriously, I did not sign up for this forum four fucking years ago just to be fucking killed off like this!

Pulker: You have to Pulker Up, Kevin! Show a stiff upper lip, and kiss my ass! Only that will save you.

American Idiot: Kevin stands no fucking chance  in hell. Just look at all those hideously made topics Zaid has made throughout the years, Francis! That is the exact opposite of how anyone's resume should wanna look!

Chad Francis: For once, I'm going to have to agree with you, Idiot. Never, in all my days of calling deathmatches or even covering news stories, have I ever had to call or report on a situation as fucked up as this! For those of you who keep up to date with our exhibition matches on OMJflix, which you can view for free for just $9.99, you will know exactly just what this member, if we can even call him that, is truly capable of! He vanquished Rebarcena, a member capable of many great things such as Bikini Bottom in 3D, without any remorse nor shame. And if a member as great, as contributing, as that could be made to look so powerless against Zaid, what kind of a fucking chance does Kevin flippin NG got? Really? It'd take a miracle for Kevin to come out of this in one piece.

American Idiot: You've gotta hand it to Pulker tho, Francis, he's at least staying out there to try and give Kevin some motivation heading into the slaughter. Maybe some "advocating" between the two, perhaps?

Chad Francis: I'd gladly hand my lips over to Pulker's ass too if it were any help against Zaid!

Zaid jumps onto the ring apron.

American Idiot: My god, would you just like at that? "Terminator: Genisys or Inside Out"? He couldn't even spell Genysis right, as stupid as that actual spelling really is!

Chad Francis: Two completely different movies. One's sci-if action, the other a children's animated tale about the inner workings of human emotion. One's shitty as all hell, flat out damning a once perfectly good franchise, the other being one of the top received animated flicks of 2015! One could say that it is a near perfect metaphor to what we're about to see right here, right now!

Zaid steps through the ropes and is fully inside the ring as Nards looks on deviously from the outside. Kevin has loosened off his tie and removed his suit jacket, revealing an unofficial "Deathmatch #1 Announcer" shirt underneath to a cheap pop from the crowd. Pulker is massaging Kevin's tensed shoulders, trying to help him to relax.

Pulker: All right, Kevin, you got this! Just remember to Pulker Up when needed and you'll do just fine out there.

Nards calls out to Zaid for some counseling of his own.

Nards: Zaid! Make this one quick, you've got a hot date with a bag of spicy hot Doritos tonight and you don't want to keep it waiting, now do you?!

Zaid gives Nards a wink, who immediately plants his face firmly into the palm of his hand.

Nards: ...This isn't gonna end well...

Kevin: You got anything else to say besides Pulkering Up?

Pulker: Well, you can stay vigilant. Keep your eyes peeled at all all times. You never know just where your might get hit from next. Or just who.

Kevin: What-

Pulker: Pulker Up, buttercup!

Pulker shouts into Kevin's ear as he nails him with a forearm smash to the back of his head. The force of the hit sends Kevin flying forward right at Zaid, who does nothing as Kevin crashes into him and immediately collapses to the ground as if he had just hit a brick wall. Pulker uses this as a distraction to leave the arena entirely as the crowd of guests boos his actions

Pulker: This ain't my fight, buttercups! This ain't my fight, so you all can just kiss my ass!

Pulker says proudly as he makes his way back up the ramp with his roll of toilet paper tucked between his legs. Nards laughs his ass off at this development.

Chad Francis: The fucking nerve of that guy! Not only does he decide to blind slide Kevin from behind, but he leaves him right in the jaws of The Worst! You can say things can't possibly get any worse for young Kevin, but I'd be inclined to disagree! And I'm sure Zaid would to.

American Idiot: Pulker did the only honorable thing he could do in a fucked up situation like this, Francis, and that's to try and make the inevitable that much easier on the kid! He knows that despite his best efforts to get Kevin to Pulker Up, it still won't be enough to vanquish The Vanquisher!

Chad Francis: He was blatantly just trying to cover his own ass in order to save it! This hell of a man has turned into one hell of a pussy right quick!

American Idiot: Who wouldn't when you're standing in the Deathmatch ring right across from The Worst Incarnate?! I wouldn't wish that sort of fate upon my worst enemy, Francis, except maybe you!

Zaid offers a warm hand to the down and out Kevin.

Chad Francis: What's this? Is Zaid Catdog actually offering Kevin NG a helping hand?!

Zaid: I get it, man. I do. I've got a mom just like you. She may not be Asian, but she's a hound dog all the same. Why don't you just take my hand and you and I, we can talk about our mothers.

American Idiot: Perhaps you've been going about this the wrong way, Francis. Maybe Zaid isn't THAT bad, have you ever thought about that? I honestly think he's just a bit misunderstood, you know, it's hard to be understood by people when they stick a stigma such as "The Worst Incarnate" on you.

Chad Francis: Don't you try and pin all this on me! You were just talking shit about his Terminator vs Inside Out topic earlier!

American Idiot: Stop putting words in my mouth, Francis, or I sure as shit will put squid pizza into yours!

Chad Francis: Don't do it, Kevin! Just hit em below the belt and hope for the best, I'm sure Elastic will understand!

Kevin hesitantly grabs hold of Zaid's hand and is quickly pulled back up to his feet right into the face of his opponent.

Zaid: I don't give a shit about your mother.

American Idiot: And it was then that Kevin knew that he done fucked up.

Zaid turns Kevin inside out with a hellacious clothesline.

Zaid then wastes no time in picking Kevin back up for a German Circuit Suplex.

Chad Francis: Kevin has just taken his first step into Circuit City and there are no shortages in supply where that came from!

Zaid goes for another German Circuit Suplex, but Kevin proves to have a little more fight left in him.

Chad Francis: BOBBA MIA! Kevin showing some shades of forum mother Aya right there!

American Idiot: That short jolt of life may come back to haunt him, because The Worst is right back up and looks none too pleased by it!

Zaid and Kevin size each other up a bit before Zaid lunges in for a takedown.

Zaid mounts Kevin with thunderous right hands to the head.

Chad Francis: I'm sure Kevin is wishing he still had that afro fetish right about now because it could really help soften those stiff right hands courtesy of The Vanquisher!

Zaid raises Kevin back up effortlessly and belly to belly circuit suplexes him overhead.

Kevin scrambles back up to his feet but Zaid shoulder tackles him into the corner turnbuckle and really begins to lay into his rib cage with multiple shoulder thrusts into the corner.

Chad Francis: Zaid has Kevin trapped in a corner there's no telling what he could do!

Zaid clasps his arms around Kevin again and belly to belly circuit suplexes him again, this time with some big time air.

Chad Francis: BOBBA MIA! 

American Idiot: That HAS to be a new squirrel record or some stupid shit like that, Francis! It just has to be!

Crowd: CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* CIRCUIT CITY! *clap clap clap clap* 

Chad Francis: Don't encourage him!

Zaid dead lifts Kevin back up and drops him back down right on his neck.

Nards: Oh dear god!

Nards shrieks to himself outside as he diverts his eyes away from the carnage, covering one side of his head with his hand.

Chad Francis: BOBBA MIA! Zaid just dropped Kevin right on his freakin neck! He could have just broken it right there!

American Idiot: This was what I meant earlier when I said I wouldn't wish this fate on anybody, Francis! You're in a deathmatch with The Worst Incarnate, waiting for death to come take you away, but death sure is taking its sweet ass time! To me, this is a fate worse than death. When you are just absolutely helpless on all fucking fronts and nothing is coming along to make shit any easier!

Chad Francis: Kevin was just doing his job here tonight, folks! He was just announcing and giving out interviews like he usually fucking does. This wasn't even Kevin's match to take part in! Zaid and that goddamn jackass, Nerds, struck some sort of deal with the freakin devil himself to have creative changes made to tonight's Deathmatch. Kevin came into tonight's show hoping that opportunity would come knocking at his door, but never in a million years did he probably think that this psychopath would be the one knocking!

Kevin flops over onto his belly and crawls over to Zaid's feet, grabbing hold of his ankles and trying with all his might to raise himself back up. Zaid hammers down on him with some clubbing right hands, smashing away at the back of his head and neck, blood slowly begins to splatter onto Zaid with each blow.

Nards: Zaid! ZAID! This is good enough, Zaid, you've more than proven your point! Circuit City isn't going to thrive again! It's time to finish this thing!

Nards: And you are doing the exact opposite, my god.

Nards: Kevin, I didn't want this for you, I hope you know that! I advocated for you, I advocated my heart out, but Zaid, well, Zaid's a freakin psychopath, what can I say, Kevin? My conscience is clean. These hands, they're fucking clean, serene, bitch! This is not on me!

Nards: Enough is enough, Zaid! Please, I implore you-

Nards: And imploring simply will not fucking work! LEL FUCK ME.

Kevin manages to land one slap on The Worst.

Nards: Don't be a hero, Kevin.

Who immediately responds with a harder one of his own.

Nards: Just do not try to be a hero, that's all I fucking ask. THAT'S ALL I FUCKING ASK OF YOU AND YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT ON THE BOTH OF US! You know what? You brought this into yourself, Kevin. No fucking other way around it, man. I mean, you REALLY must've fucked something up something fierce to have a fate such as Zaid be brought down upon YOU. You fucked up, Kevin NG.

Nards turns to the crowd and tries to lead them in a chant.

Nards: Say it with me now, "YOU FUCKED UP." "YOU FUCKED UP." "YOU FUCKED UP."

Crowd: SHUT THE FUCK UP! *clap clap clap clap* SHUT THE FUCK UP! *clap clap clap clap* SHUT THE FUCK UP! *clap clap clap clap*

Nards: Aaahhh, who fucking asked you?

Zaid manhandles and throws Kevin into a corner and assaults him with a flurry of knee strikes.

American Idiot: I don't think I can watch much more of this, honestly.

Chad Francis: You have to give it to Kevin, he's taking this like a fucking champ. I can't think of anyone else who can withstand this kind of punishment and still have some breath left in em. 

Kevin goes limp in the corner, but Zaid continues with the knees, prompting Clem to finally intervene and try and separate Zaid from Kevin so he can check his pulse.

Chad Francis: Referee Clem finally deciding to try and separate these two. Kevin has gone completely motionless in the corner! I think it's just time to call this a match already. There's no way Kevin has anymore left in him after this vicious mauling.

Clem lifts up Kevin's arm to check his pulse, but Kevin's arm springs back to life and grabs Clem by his shirt collar.

Clem: He still got some life left in em, I reckon!

Zaid barges over and knocks Clem out of the way before planting Kevin with another German Circuit Suplex.

American Idiot: Goddammit kid! Play dead if you fucking have to!

Chad Francis: Kevin just refusing to die here! It's honestly pretty amazing, yet sort of foolish, but you can't fault the kid for having some goddamn heart. This is someone who was once dedicated to adapting Community Deathmatch into comic book form! He was taken out of the ring and put into a suit a young age to avoid fates such as this. And now here he is, fighting, clinging onto dear life trying to give us something to remember him by! 

Zaid lifts Kevin up to his knees with one hand, but Kevin starts to mount a comeback.

Zaid: 010011011101001001100011110!

Chad Francis: Zaid damn near taking Kevin's head off for that brief act of defiance!

American Idiot: It must be thanks to that new, improved laptop Zaid has at his disposal to improve his game here tonight! We're seeing a level of dominance here that wasn't quite there back when he fought Rebarcena!

Chad Francis: Dear god, if that was Zaid at less 100% and if this is Zaid running. On full power...May Neptune have mercy on all of us.

Zaid lifts up Kevin for a repeated series of  power bombs.

Chad Francis: Kevin's in a whole new world of trouble right now as Zaid changes up his game from suplexes by upgrading straight to powerbombs! "The Prize Fight", Trophy, has proven just how lethal this move can be, but in the hands of The Worst Incarnate, it can prove to be downright catastrophic!

On what seems to be the ninth powerbomb attempt, Zaid tosses and drapes Deathmatch's #1 Announcer onto his shoulders. Zaid marches around with Kevin on top of him like a ragdoll before finally putting Kevin out of his misery with an emphatic F5, splattering Deathmatch's former #1 Announcer all across the canvas.

Chad Francis: BOBBA MIA! MUCH LIKE A SHITTY, MORE DERANGED BOB ROSS, ZAID PAINTS A HAPPY LITTLE PUDDLE OF BLOOD RIGHT ONTO THE RING CANVAS WITH NOTHING BUT KEVIN'S OWN BODY!

American Idiot: They say that the F5 key refreshes the page, but I'm afraid ZaidCatdog disagrees!

Clem steps in and checks on the damage. After a few seconds of deliberation, he finally raises Zaid's arm in victory.

Clem: WINNER! ZAIDCAT-

Nards barges in and shoos Clem out of the ring, choosing to raise Zaid's arm up in victory, himself

Nards: Ladies and gentlemen! Your winner and NEW Deathmatch #1 Announcer, ZZZZZZZZAID CCCCCCCATDOOOOOOOG!!!!

Zaid brushes Nards aside and immediately goes back to work on Kevin's corpse.

Nards: Zaid?! Zaid! It's over! You won! 

Chad Francis: Come the fuck on, mang! The match is already over! There is such a thing as overkill, you know !

American Idiot: I don't think that word is in Zaid's vocabulary, Francis! He's not gonna stop until he's fully satisfied with utterly vanquishing his opponent!

Chad Francis: Look, I don't know about you, Idiot, but I, for one, can't bear to stand by and watch this any longer than I have to! A line needs to be drawn here and I'm not just gonna watch a peer and colleague who fought til the bitter end to gain our respect throughout this entire Deathmatch continue to be disrespected even in the cold embrace of death!

American Idiot: Francis, don't be a hero!

Chad puts down his microphone and headset, takes off his suit jacket and tie and storms down to the ring. 

Nards: Zaid! Zaid! ZAID- OH MY LORD!

Chad charges up to them, startling Nards away and rocks Zaid with a Rolling Back Elbow

This stuns Zaid, who staggers around on his two feet. This leaves him open long enough for Chad Francis to bounce off the ropes and catches The Worst off guard with a thunderous Discus Fivearm!

This manages to knock Zaid down to one knee. Chad Francis charges the ropes again, looking to finish things off with another Discus Fivearm, but Zaid springs back up and catches Francis by the arm, taking Chad down with a dreaded Thread Lock, locked tightly around Chad's arm. Zaid wrenches away at Chad's arm as Francis screams in agony from the pain of his having his arm slowly broken.

American Idiot: Goddammit Francis, I warned you, didn't I?! It's a lost fucking cause trying to best The Worst!

American Idiot tries to sign off of Deathmatch, but Chad Francis' screams of agony and cries for help stops him in his tracks.

American Idiot: FUUUUUUCK! I just couldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

American Idiot takes off his headset now and sprints down to the ring, pushing Nards out of the way, and lands a well calculated elbow drop onto Zaid's head, finally getting The Vanquisher to break his grip on Chad Francis' arm. Chad rolls away in a lot pain, holding his limp arm. American Idiot mounts Zaid with a series of rights and lefts

American Idiot: STAY DOWN! NO PIZZA FOR YOU!

 Zaid forcefully pushes Idiot off of him with tremendous strength and vitality. American Idiot goes right back on the offensive, but Zaid immediately takes him down to the mat with authority and mounts him mercilessly with huge punches and elbows of his own.

Nards comes back in and begs for Zaid to stop.

Nards: Zaid! You're only supposed to kill one member! ONE MEMBER! That's it! We're overstepping our boundaries, breaching our deal! Zaid?! ZAAAIIID!

Nards manages to finally pull Zaid off of American Idiot and gets him to back off.

Nards: Good, goooood. Somebody's earned himself a sprite to go with those doritoooos!

Zaid grabs hold of Nards and pulls his advocate in towards him.

Nards: Zaid?! What are you doing?!

Zaid pushes Nards out of the way and out of danger as Chad Francis comes right back with another Discus Fivearm, but Zaid ducks it and grabs Chad Francis for another emphatic F5!

Zaid goes in for more, but Nards gets down between him and Chad Francis, literally shielding Chad from anymore of Zaid's wrath.

Nards: One body, Zaid! We came here only for one body! They think that Eddsworld meets SpongeBob was something to suffer through, well they haven't seen anything yet! You'll get your chance again, I promise you! For now, lets just call it a night.

Zaid weighs the options in his mind, foaming at the mouth trying to get some more licks in on both Chad Francis and American Idiot, but he finally calms down and decides to leave the Deathmatch Arena with Nards. Nards gets up off of Chad Francis and kisses Zaid on the cheek.

Nards: I promise you, you will get another chance, soon. I advocate it!

Nards hold down the ring ropes for Zaid to step through. Nards takes a moment to survey the damage that Zaid has caused and shudders at the sight of what his client is capable of. Nards joins his client on the ramp and make their exit, Nards giving The Vanquisher a congratulatory pat on the back with a sadistic smile on his face as Community Deathmatch  looks to sign off with one last shot of the bodies left in Zaid's wake, but suddenly

 

Hayden comes on out now with his List of Unpopular Opinions in hand. He gets into the ring and takes a closer look at Zaid's handiwork. He stops right next to Kevin's dead body and clicks his pen.

Hayden: YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!!

Hayden jots Kevin NG's name onto his list and poses over his body as Community Deathmatch finally signs off.

 

[Aya♥]

Kevin got...........................

IT

[kev]

omf delete that pic pls  xDD

 

(no seriously :c)

Edited May 10, 2017 by kevin

[Old Man Jenkins]

1 hour ago, kevin said:

omf delete that pic pls  xDD

 

(no seriously :c)

It's okay, I replaced it with something better

[kev]

1 hour ago, Old Man Jenkins said:

It's okay, I replaced it with something better

lmao ilysm

[Old Man Jenkins]

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. No ill will whatsoever. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, just go to sleep...

The scene opens up to a set of lit candles in a darkened room.

The scene pans out to show FeelMyFeel, kneeled in the middle of the set of candles. His hands are clasped together, as if in prayer.

FeelMyFeel: Please join me, in vigil to a great, strong, powerful woman, who fought for her life until the very end. Her will, her strength in the face of great sorrow and pain is something that we all can learn from. To be honest, I really wish all that strength had been passed down because it makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH how I even know about any of this! You know, was it really not enough to get that terrible, ugly thing off your chest, was it really necessary for everybody else to have to form a perpetual circle jerk around you in "solidarity"? I see all those snazzy new avatars of yours, how long did it take you all to find those on Google? About as fast as it took me to find mines up there? I bet you all feel quite honestly happy with yourselves Looking at you, you all make ME SICK because YOU ARE ALL SICK! Sick in the body, sick in the mind, sick in the soul. The soul! That's the lengths you are ALL reaching in your sad, pathetic attempts at making yourselves feel better about your equally sad and pathetic attempts at a social life online! You all want to hold your little candle lights like a bunch of saints, when you are all really just holding them up and waving them in the air like you just don't care, because that's what it really comes down to. You all don't care, not really! You all just want to justify yourselves as being what you want yourselves to be, what you believe yourselves to be, when you all are really denying yourselves of what you truly are! You are all addicts. You are all leeches, blood suckers! Depriving yourselves and each other of living full, healthy REAL lives! Cancer is truly a terrible disease, that much I can agree with. And what I see all around me here in this "community" is nothing BUT cancer at the height of its malignancy. And the chances of anybody in this "community" surviving are very, very slim. And I truly don't think any of you have any strength nor the will to live whatsoever. I may even go so far as to say you all can't even hold a candle to this woman in that department. And that sad, honest to God truth makes me so ill. Now, I hear some of you explaining to some of the more mentally questionable of you lot that by lighting a candle, you are showing your respects.

FeelMyFeel starts blowing out the candles around him until only one remains lit.

FeelMyFeel: You don't deserve any respect. You can't even learn to respect yourselves. So just

FeelMyFeel shifts his hands over to the side of his head and rests his head on them like a pillow.

FeelMyFeel: Go. To. SLEEP.

FeelMyFeel blows out the last remaining candle, filling the scene with darkness and immediately cutting to black.

[Aya♥]

BOO THIS MAN

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

Well, this was certainly...interesting.

[Old Man Jenkins]

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, I'd hate to be one of you right now!

It Takes Some Balls

We open up to a shot of The Advocate for ZaidCatDog, Tropical Nards, alongside his client, ZaidCatDog, who is hulking over Nards' shoulder in a huff.

Nards: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Tropical Nards, the advocate for "The Worst Incarnate" and a "Once in a Lifetime Member" as well as a proven box office SpongeBoard draw, ZzzzzzzaidCccccccatDog.

The crowd of guests can be heard chanting.

Guests: HONEST TRAILERS! *clap clap clap clap* HONEST TRAILERS! *clap clap clap clap* HONEST TRAILERS! *clap clap clap clap*

Nards: Yes, well, you see, was Community Deathmatch running a week-long marathon? Was Community Deathmatch exhausting itself and its resources by giving you all too much too soon? No! It was running on pure, unadulterated Zaid-power throughout the entire week since my client, ZaidCatDog, tore the roof off both the Deathmatch Arena and Kevin NG's skull! And even with running a long-winded marathon, it barely even managed to scrape by Community Deathmatch with only 7 more measly views. So if you want to consider that a "success", then by all means, pat yourselves on the back for a job well done. But if you want to go so far as to call it a "box office SpongeBoard draw", well then it sure as hell ain't got SHIT on my client, ZZZZZAID CCCCCCCCCATDOOOOOG! I mean, come on, guys! It's completely hypothetical!

Zaid gives him some sort of binary code, telling Nards to get straight to the point.

Nards: Ahem! Right. Before I was so RUDELY interrupted by a bunch of faceless peons, my client, Zaid CatDog, wants to raise a very pressing concern he has regarding what exactly happened to his blog during his absence just a couple months ago. I believe it happened back in March, to exact. On the 24th, to be even more precise. It was on THAT day, my client, Zaid CatDog's, blog was laid siege upon, ransacked, and vandalized! It specifically happened in an entry in which my client, Zaid CatDog, announced that he had procured a brand spankin' new laptop with which he can further improve upon his game here in the SpongeBob Community in order to bring legitimacy with him back to Community Deathmatch. When my client returned recently, his views for that entry were blown up quite literally compared to the others and in the place of his brand new laptop was...this

Zaid's blood boils at the sight of it.

Nards: You know, it really takes some balls to compel somebody to disturb a sleeping beast, but all it took, all it really took was just one ball to completely piss my client, Zaid CatDog, right the fuck fucking fuckity fuck THE FUCK RIGHT OFF! And as advocate for my client, Zaid CatDog, I want only what's best for for my client! So I went ahead and I did some digging the last couple of days since my client, Zaid CatDog, last vanquished some poor, unfortunate soul of the face of the World Wide Web, and I my search got me such wondrous results! So, get this, the vandalization of my client's blog and the theft of his prized laptop was all done in part of a forum contest that was going on at the time! And just look at this description for the clue that leads straight to my client's blog!

Nards: Redundant? Really? A poor choice of words from such a poor choice for an admin. But, it was all just a big game! Nothing too damaging there, it was all fun and games, water under the bridge, right?! Well my client, Zaid CatDog, disagrees! My client, Zaid CatDog, wants blood for this injustice done upon him! So I've compiled for him a list of names, all of whom took part in this "contest" in his absence.

Nards: You want to play games with my client, at his expense, no less? Well, my client, Zaid CatDog, can play games at YOUR expense too, because one of you luckless sacks of shit will be given the utmost dishonor of having to step into the Deathmatch Ring with your worst case scenario, "The Worst Incarnate"! And your chances of winning all teeters on the public opinion of your friends and peers. Ladies and gentlemen, my client, Zaid CatDog, is giving you the power to decide on which corpse upon which my client shall feast on next! Ladies and gentlemen, a price must be paid here, and it must be paid upfront and in full! It is why my client went ahead and got himself THE JEW to be his advocate! I can't stress that enough! So by all means, you can go ahead and save your own skin by choosing the poor sap next to you or you can have opportunity knock at your door next. It doesn't matter which way it goes, the spoiler will remain the same; my client, Zaid CatDog, will utterly fucking vanquish any, and all, of you!

[Old Man Jenkins]

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, FINISH IT!

 

Mr. 1000

Community Deathmatch opens up to a packed Deathmatch Arena full of all sorts of guests and ACS, then it cuts to a contrasting shot of an empty broadcast booth. Both Chad Francis and American Idiot appearmto have been taken out of action following their failed attempts at besting The Worst Incarnate, Zaid CatDog. Tonight's first combatant breaks the silence by making his entrance.

 

A legitimate-looking Italian site runner by the name of @cartoniegiochi.com makes his way out to the ring with a seemingly permanent scowl on his face. He's very unhappy about something and hopefully we don't find out why. Cartoni calls for a microphone, immediately squashing any hopes of that not happening. The scene quickly cuts to a bunch of lower-midcard members watching this all unfold from the backstage area, all of them chatting over the Deathmatch arrival of this fabled "Mr. 1000"

(I'm too lazy to shop avvies over all those faces so just pretend that they are who I say they are)

Someone: Remember us?

Someone's Friend: Remember us?

Maxwell: Remember us!

Sofia: Remember us

Maxwell: ...remember us...

Harria: I don't want to remember you.

Dougie Williams: REMEMBER US AHYUK!

Harria: Eugh. NOT remembering.

Simon Anderson comes up and raises an open hand into the air. A shout box suddenly gets lowered down to him and he grabs hold of it, bringing it to his mouth.

Simon Anderson: REMEMBEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSS...

Everybody else: ...

Simon: ...Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssssss!?

The shoutbox gets raised back up out of Simon's hand as we head back to the ring, where Cartoni is finally gonna break his silence.

Cartoni: Mamma Mia! It'sa packeda show!

The crowd of guests gives him a cheap pop for that one.

Cartoni: Alright, alright. Now that that lil piece of stereotype theater is out of the way, how's bout we finally get down to business 'round here, huh. The nitty gritty of what's this all about. When I foist joined this community, I wanted nothin more than to expose some'o ya's to what I can bring to the table. Y'know wuh I'm sayin'? And you's all, well, you's all didn't want any of that. You's all wanted a "real Mr. 1000" who would help ushoi in a new era fo' your SpongeBob Community. I come here, bearing a LEGITIMATE website, molto di piu than this wannabe ragtag poor excuse fo' a "bidness" you got goin on here! But to you's stronzi, you considered it spam. SPAM. An Italian shillin' spam of all godfo'saken things, who ever thought they'd see that day, huh?  Cazzo fottute stupide! And wasn't even like I was just "spammin'" any ole fuckin thing, I was "spammin'" about this legitimate interview I conducted with the Italian voice actor of yo' precious Sponge, Claudio Moneta! Do you's any idea how many dimes that cost me? Mo' than you's all make in a month's allowance, that's fo' damn sure! I try to brings you's something a lil nice, maybe even gets a lil working business relationship goin', trade each other a slice'a pie, bada bing bada boom, who knows! But you's all disappointed me, you's spit in MY FACE, discredit all my hard woik! Look, I don't mean nor planned nor intended on being yo' 1000th member, I swear on me grandmama's grave. But'chu know what? I sure am fucking glad I did. Because you don't desoive nothin' nice!

The crowd of guests quickly turn on Cartoni as the camera cuts back to the lower level members bickering backstage.

Someone: *gasps* Remember me?!

Someone's Friend: *shakes fist at Cartoni on the minitron* Remember me!

Maxwell: Goddamn, remember me?

Sofia: Remember me! Remember me!

Harria: *resting bitch faces everybody, especially Cartoni*

Dougie Williams: *pies everybody so that they can remember him*

Cartoni: Now I wanna call any one of you's out right here tonight! You's gots problems with me, then by all means, make your grievances hoird! This is MY market now, bitches! You's just helpin' yo'selves to a slice of the pie, so I'm gonna do you's a favor and shove it down yo' damn throats!

After a few minutes of waiting, someone finally makes their way out.

???: *spits* ¡I SPIT IN THE FACE OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT TO CONTRIBUTE! Unless they've got good reason, in that case, I won't spit. But it'll still peeve me, but not as much.

 

"The Good Guy" Crushing Mayhem makes his way out, stopping at the top of the ramp, chewing on a slice of bread, as the crowd of guests and lurkers shower him with activity. He already has a microphone in hand, taking it to his mouth in order to address Cartoni.

Crushing: Don't worry, mang. We good. You were only trying to be active from the get-go and you were banned before you were given a proper chance. It's hard to try and be active nowadays when you're a new member, mang. I see you, chico.

Cartoni: You's were the very one that called fo' my ban in the foist place, you piece'o shit!

Crushing: I very well may have done that, chico, but I'm sure I got a good reason for taking such action. I don't just do those things, mang, unless I just sort of do those things. It's hard, mang, trying to keep active with everybody else when you're a staff member. It eats away at your activity levels, yet you still find time to come on and keep active anyway. It's a paradox like that, chico.

Cartoni: YOU'RE A FUCKING PARADOX, CHICO! You permanently banned me, your Mr. 1000, without any good rhyme or reason! So I'm gonna go's down there and fuckin breaka yo' face all ova that ramp! And then I'm gonna SPIT right on yo' coipse!

Crushing: But mang, I didn't come out here to fight. I came out here to fill in on commentary because its inactivity thus far has sicken me, mang. So I'm gonna go right on ahead and do that, and you can just fill out and send in a report detailing your grievances me and we may or may not lift your ban, most likely not in your case, chico. Cussing out a staff member doesn't really help your case, mang.

Crushing heads over to the broadcast booth much to Cartoni's dismay.

Cartoni: Crushing! You's get down here and take yo' lumps like my mama on a Saturday night!

???: FEED. ME. MORE. 

 

???: FEED. ME. MOOOOORE.

PatBack: WAKE UP! IT'S FEEDING TIME!

PatBack marches down towards the ring, inciting as many members of the crowd as he can along the way.

PatBack: FEED ME MORONS! HAHAHAHA!

The camera quickly returns backstage to the Deathmatch midcarders, who all look on at PatBack's return with nervous faces.

Harria: He doesn't still want to kill us all, right? As in the entire SpongeBob Community? Because I sure as fuuuuck didn't return for this guest spot just to be fed to that fag. Nuh uh. That'd just be rude. The day that shit'll happen is the day I turn out to be black.

Renegade the Unicorn pops in on their little viewing party.

Renegade: Guys! How can you all be having yourselves a little viewing party without The One Man Show, baybay!

Harria: Ummm, just who the fuck are you?

Renegade: Damn girl, you feisty. I like em a little feisty!  My name is Renegade *offers her his penis* and I am gonna be your boyfriend and/or stalker for quite a long while to come! You-you ever thought about getting a nose ring? I like me a good nose ring, it gives me a lil something to aim for for when you eventually decide to give me head. You watch Glitter Force? You totally should right now if you haven't already, how's about you and I Netflix and chill it tonight, or maybe just chill. Either/or, whichever gets me in your pants quicker!

Harria: First off, RUDE. I'm just gonna stop you right there. And secondly

She proceeds to slap the taste out of his mouth and storms off.

Renegade: Hot damn, girl! Did that turn anybody else on or was it just me?!

The rest of the lower card members leaves Ren to himself.

Renegade: Fucking sickos, probably heading off to jerk off to that right now. The fucking indecency of some people.

The scene returns to PatBack on his way to the ring.

PatBack: BUNCH OF FAGGOTS LURKING TONIGHT! BETTER HIDE MY BUTTHOLE! HAHAHAHA! BURN IN HELL, FAG LOVERS! hilaryfan80 SUCKS! PATBACK IS A LEGEND!

Crushing: Well, isn't this quite a startling development, chicos. "The Tough Guy" is back home in the Deathmatch Arena after what's felt like actual years, mang. He first bursted onto the Deathmatch scene in dramatic fashion all the way back in 2013, interfering in deathmatch correspondent,CF's, deathmatch against the voice of Community Deathmatch, Jjsthemang, pretty much handing our director in chief the victory. I may not quite agree with the circumstances of that result, but you can't really argue the big results that PatBack brings whenever he makes his presence known here on Community Deathmatch. And the crowd is going absolutely nuts, both in support and in spite of "Big Homophobe". Jes, PatBack's long storied history against the gays withstanding this test of time. The Deathmatch faithful can go both ways when it comes to the self-proclaimed "Psycho for Success", and his opinions of bisexuals are really none the better.. PatBack looking to make his official return at the expense of Mr. 1000, himself, mang. What better way to remind people just who you are and what you are about, well, aside from simply just making a topic for your return. Jou know I'd just hate to see either one of these members go, but whoever just so happens to bring with them the most contribution, then may that most active chico win, mang.  That's all I can really hope for, sort of.

PatBack marches his way into the ring, eventually finding himself standing across the ring from Cartoni, who honestly doesn't know what to make of Big Homophobe.

PatBack: HEY! GOOMBA!

Cartoni: And just what the fuck do you's want?

PatBack: ...FAGGOT ABOUT IT!

PatBack immediately goes on the offensive and rams Cartoni into the corner with some vicious shoulder thrusts and clubbing right hands. He then lays into the Italian with some clotheslines right onto the corner across the neck and chest before pulling Cartoni in and hoisting him into the air almost effortlessly for the everyone in attendance to see.

Renegade is seen against viewing from backstage, liking what his seeing.

Renegade: Goddamn, is that not giving anybody else a raging fucking boner right now? Is it just me? You know what, don't tell me. That's too much information to be giving out, you sick fucks? Keep your boners to yourselves.

Ren says before focusing back on the match, biting down on his fist and fluttering his eyes in pure lust.

PatBack proceeds to gorilla press slam Cartoni into oblivion then sizes him up for one of his signature maneuvers.

Crushing: Oh no, chicos, PatBack could be looking for one of his signature Meathook Clotheslines.

Crowd: FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MORE!

Crushing: That's the contribution that took ExKizuna out of the game, chicos. All the way back in season two, mang. Very few can remain active after feeling the brunt of it.

We head back to Ren, who just finishes wiping up his crotch with a Kleenex tissue (sponsor us, Kleenex). 

Renegade: Yeeeeaahhh that really hits the g spot right there, you can feed me more all day-

He notices the camera and sneezes into the tissue to hide his implied dirty deeds.

Renegade: Allergies, mang, shit it's spring you know, pollens is in the air and what not. Love is in the air, too. You know, I don't think we should really keep running into each other like this, y'all crazy! I've got a girlfriend, TrixieTheUsherette, you know! Y'all crazy, get off my dick! But, ya know, not before you've finished riding it just a bit more. Put me back in my happy place. You all should really watch Glitter Force if you haven't yet. Don't make me force you now! Hahaha! Because I will. Goddamn is that guy a butcher or what? Because he can hook my meat anytime I'm talking about like in the meat department of a supermarket, you sickos ya'll really need to get your minds out of the gutter and focus it on Glitter Force. Fuck.

We return back to PatBack, who is looking to seal away Cartoni Giochi's fate. He picks Cartoni up and positions him firmly onto his shoulder, marching around the ring, carrying him around like he's nothing. PatBack then plants Cartoni back firmly into the mat with a devastating Shell Cocked! Cartoni spazzes out on the mat from the sheer force and velocity of the technique.

Crushing: Cartoni Giochi being left absolutely shell shocked following that devastating Shell Cocked, mang. This is very well the end of his tenure here not only on Community Deathmatch, but on SBC as we may or may not know it.

PatBack: FINISH HIM!

Crushing: And PatBack is somehow not finished with him yet, mang. The activity levels are really pumping in him tonight, the crowd is feeding him practically to no end. There is just no telling what his limit may or may not be, chicos.

PatBack punches a whole into Cartoni's spine and proceeds to rip out a portion of his spinal column all the way up to his skull. He then uses it to impale Cartoni's rapidly dying husk right through the abdomen.

Crushing: And PatBack literally takes him out with his patented De-Boner! We sure as The Good Guy haven't seen that maneuver be used since the season one finale, chicos! PatBack is back, and he is still in perfect posting form.

Cartoni drops dead as PatBack dusts off his hands, as if he had just finished a mere chore, and raises his arms in total victory.

PatBack: PATBACK RUUUUULES!

Clem, having clearly seen more than enough, tries to raise PatBack's hand in victory but gets scared away by being called a "fagnut". We return backstage one final time as Renegade reaches his climax in stereo to that of this Deathmatch's. Suddenly, "The Abominable Pitch Man" @Jaredthedecimator walks up on him and checks out PatBack for himself.

Renegade: Well, hello there big guy Are you just as big down there or are you just compensating?

Jared sizes Ren up and gets right in his face.

Jared: I bet this is closest you've ever gotten to a REAL sexual situation?

Renegade: Don't be putting me out there like that, mang. I've been in much more online sexual situations, thank you very much

Jared: Then you best now consider this the closest you've ever gotten, because you are just TOO. DAMN. OLD.

Renegade: Yeah, but we shouldn't let that stop us from still doing something strange though, right? HAHA! I'm just testing you! goddamn man, you would really try to tempt me away from girlfriend, my baybay, Mistpelt? You are just all sorts of messed up, mang!

Jared grabs Renegade and tosses him into the nearest Industrial Park with all his shit topics. Jared then focuses his attention back to PatBack on the monitor, looking as if he had just found the missing puzzle piece in his life.

We head back to PatBack celebrating by trolling the crowd some more.

PatBack: hilaryfan80ENIS SUCKS DICK! PATBACK IS THE PG LEGEND! YOU'RE ALL FUCKING FAGGOTS! PATBACK RULES! 

Crushing: What a statement of anti-gay sentiment left here tonight by The Tough Guy. I may not entirely agree with his philosophies, but I can't disagree with what he contributes here to the Deathmatch Arena. Well, chicos, from just me here, evidently, at Community Deathmatch, The Good Guy would like to wish you a good fight, good night, mang.

[Aya♥]

THE HYPE, I NEED PATBACK VS. JARED

[Katniss]

You're hitting it out of the park lately, good job  

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

 

Funny af.

[Old Man Jenkins]

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, its just a spam!

Weeeeellllll, It's The OBAB Show! Part Three

The final part of the three-part OBAB Show Community Deathmatch Special opens us up to Ssj telling some poor kids that the reason that their dog had to be put down was because they touched themselves at night. He's interrupted by the timely arrival of SBM moderator, Grubby Grouper.

Grubby: Ssj! Ssj! Ssj!

Ssj: What? What? What?

Grubby: OBAB! OBAB! OBAB!

Ssj: Yes?! Yes?! Yes?!

Grubby: He said! He said! He said!

Ssj: Out with it, man, or by Kami, I'll arrange to have an accident scheduled to be done to your dog just so that I can tell you that it had to be put down because you touch yourself at night!

Grubby: Ssj, I've just received report that Amphitrite is in big trouble!

Ssj: What is it now?!

Grubby: The OBAB Show is filming a live episode right now and the basic premise of it is that he's gonna get back at everybody else for not being able to tell what a spam is by threatening to throw the princess off a ledge!

Ssj: You're kidding me?

Grubby: No.

Ssj: That's more of a threat than Team Rocket ever posed to me! L-Let's go! Lets go! Grubby, you're fired! Cha is coming with me! We have to go save my bottom bitch, come on!

They walk briskly towards the filming location, the forum banner.

Amphitrite: Oh dear Neptune! Please, OBAB, please! Come on!

OBAB: I bet this is not a spam now, is it?! You gonna report me now?

Amphitrite: No!

OBAB: Oh no?!

Amphitrite: Oh my god, no! Come on, OBAB!

OBAB: No, you're not gonna report me, are ya?!

Amphitrite: Neptune, pleas-!

OBAB: NEPTUNE ISN'T HERE!

OBAB: LOUDER! Or I'll throw you off of here RIGHT NOW! Louder!

Amphitrite: Oh god! You're not- I would never report you, please! Come on, OBAB! OBAB, please, come on!

OBAB: That's the problem with people like you, like everyone else here, YOU DON'T TAKE ME SRS!!! You don't believe in me! How am I supposed to make a goddamn show without everything I post looking like a goddamn spam to you people?!

OBAB: Maybe if I threw you off, you'll take me srsly, huh?!

Ssj: OBAB! OBAB! OBAB, what in Dende's name are you doing?!

OBAB: Ssj, I'm tired of it!

Ssj: OBAB, let the princess go!

OBAB: Oh, I will give her over!

OBAB positions her even closer to the edge.

OBAB: Believe me!

Ssj: OBAB, it's my responsibility if something happens to her on my site!

OBAB: YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY! Everything has always been your responsibility!

Ssj: OBAB, please, just stay there! I'm coming up! Cha, make sure he doesn't move.

Cha: *spongebob salute*

Ssj goes and makes his way up to the banner.

OBAB: Come on, princess, it's funny, huh?! This is a spam to you! HAHAHAHA!

OBAB: It's funny! You laughed at me earlier! Now I don't have an online home! Huh?! Now that I have to quit all because you just wouldn't allow me to be a good noodle!

Amphitrite: PLEASE!

Cha: OBAB, stop!

OBAB: Laugh at me, princess! LAUGH! If you don't laugh, I swear to Neptune I'm gonna make you scream. You understand me? I WILL MAKE YOU SCREAM!

Amphitrite: AAAHH!

OBAB: Scream for everybody to hear-

Ssj: OBAB!

Ssj: You put Amphitrite down right now!

OBAB: WHY SHOULD I PUT HER DOWN? WHY?

Ssj: Because I'm not gonna lose a perfectly fine piece of ass over this! It's MY ass, not yours!

OBAB: You think I give a SHIT about your ass?!

Ssj: Hey, if you think everybody els here gave you problems, I'll give you worse, so put her down!

OBAB: YOU'RE gonna give ME problems?

Ssj: You're damn right!

Ssj: OBAB, you cut it out now! You get away from me, you big fat meanie!

OBAB: So that's what you want?

Ssj: Oh no you don't! Get off me, OBAB! You let me go! Let me go! OBAB-

Ssj: AAAHHHH!!!

Amphitrite: SSJ! Oh no!

Cha:

Cha quickly gets herself out of the way of ssj's landing point and he hits the bottom of the forum hard.

Amphitrite: AAHH! Oh my god! Ssj!

She scrambles over to see ssj's body lying motionlessly at the bottom.

Amphitrite: Look at what you did! Ssj?!

Cha is too much in conflict with herself to do anything, Grubby had just been fired, PhilipB has a life I guess, The Mod That Everybody Forgot is still an afterthought on everybody's minds, this didn't take place in the chat so it's out of Aya's jurisdiction, Prez and Tide & Seeker's positions have even less sway. OBAB gets down on one knee to casually survey the results of his heinous actions.

OBAB begins to break down in tears, perhaps just realizing the severity of his actions. Suddenly

???: We're coming down.

https://youtu.be/3ZtroGgkzWk

The Abney Boyz, brothers Bubba Beck and T-Rex, make their way to the scene of the offense. They check on Ssj, and their reactions seem pretty dire. They then focus their attention up towards a bawling OBAB.

Abney: What's going on here?

T-Rex: Well?

OBAB: Ssj and I were fighting

Abney: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID? OBAB, I can fully believe myself when I say that for your crimes against Ssj, and therefore SBM as a whole, I sentence you...to be banned from SBM! May Neptune have mercy on your soul.

OBAB: I'm a good noodle! I'M A GOOD NOODLE!

Abney: T-Rex...GET THE RECORDS!

T-Rex Abney busts out a couple of perfectly good Mario Kart records for his brother to break by putting OBAB right through them. 

T-Rex: Oh my brother, TEST THE SLIIIIIDE!

OBAB understandably pusses out and does what any banned and/or jilted member from SBM would do in this situation, he back pockets towards the SpongeBob Community for his life, in a desperate bid to escape maximum punishment courtesy of The Abneys. 

https://youtu.be/I2ePVmAc5Tw

OBAB finally crosses the border where his tabs for SBM and SBC meet, finally escaping The Abney's persecution, for now. OBAB wanders aimlessly around the SBC homepage, changing constantly from winking to crying at the wink of an eye, since unsurprisingly, SBC is also full of people who can't stand him. He finally comes across Krusty Towers and  decides to set up a room and an intro topic for himself.

OBAB: Hi guys I'm OBAB and well.. You might know me and I'm truly sorry to any SBMer for what I did but I won't do it here I like SpongeBob and my favorite episode is The Camping Episode

Majority of everybody: https://youtu.be/WyeBfNarOsw

Crushing: Hey there, mang! Be active or I'll kill you! If I feel like it, at least.

Fred: Well, just as long as you have a good attitude, you'll be alright here. Welcome. Just remember

hilaryfan80: Welcome to SBC, Ol Bold and Brash!

Grubby: welcome to SBC. Thanks for getting back at Ssj for me!

SpongeBob's #1 Fan: *something to facepalm and/or headdesk at*

OWM: Welcome! We'll be keeping an eye on you. I hope you've learned a valuable lesson!

And then finally, the director in chief himself, Jjsthekid, logs on to fully accept OBAB into the SBC family because we're pressed for new members.

Jjs: Whatever happened on SBM will stay on SBM, and I welcome you with open arms here. Welcome to SBC.

OBAB: Don't worry guys, I'll be a good noodle!

Later, Teenj has just finished wrapping up the latest episode for one of his critically acclaimed spinoffs and goes to update it accordingly when OBAB suddenly posts a re-run of SpingeBill's Adventure right afterwards.

https://youtu.be/fRamB30E9mU

[Aya♥]

...drive

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

XD

KEEP 'EM COMING! Heh, heh...I said "coming".

[Old Man Jenkins]

The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, just COME TO SBC! THE PATRICK STAR OF THE SPONGEBOB FANDOM!

 

What a Ripoff

Community Deathmatch opens up to a packed Deathmatch Arena full of all sorts of roaring guests, and ACS. We are greeted by Crushing Mayhem all by himself in the broadcast booth. It sseems as though he has an announcement to make.

Crushing: Say hello to "The Good Guy"! But you don't have to if you don't really want to, although I would very much advise that you do, mang. Y gracias, chicos, for once again letting us into your home, mang. Without jou, Community Deathmatch wouldn't be quite as possible to produce on a bi-weekly basis, mang. So in thanks, I'd like for you to say hello to a member who needs no introduction, mang, but I'll just do it anyway. Say hello to a face that hasn't been quite active on Deathmatch in quite some time, chicos. Helping me to fill in for tonight's episode, allow me to reintroduce to you "The Voice of Community Deathmatch", bien ol' Jjsthekid, mang!

Jjs makes his triumphant return to the broadcast booth to thunderous applause from the Deathmatch Faithful in attendance, with the exception of any ACSes out there.

Crowd: WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK! WELCOME BACK!

But jjs' return is quickly interrupted by the theme music of his best friend.

 

Hayden makes his way out to heat that you can only find in Harlem. He claps it up for his best friend, jjsthekid, in the midst of all the boos.

Hayden: Have some damn respect, will you?! This is Deathmatch legend you're booing here!

Hayden chastises the crowd before shaking jjs' hand. Jjs then insists on doing the honors by raising Hayden's arm up for the crowd instead of the other way around.

Hayden: DRINK IT IIIIIINNNNNNN, MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

This doesn't do much to change the crowd's opinion of Y2Hay, in fact, it incites them even more so they continue to patboo him. Both jjs and Hayden then make their way up to broadcast booth.

Crushing: Welcome. Jes, welcome jjs. Long time, no activity, I see.

Jjs: It has been a good bit, about two years tops? But don't let my absence be the cause for any alarm. Although Deathmatch may not have had much material for me to go off of during this sort of transitional period that it's been going through as of late, I am still very much active as your Direct in Chief, Crushing.

Crushing: Hmmm, so it seems, mang. Now please, could you contribute to me an answer as to why you brought this burro to the broadcast booth?

Jjs: Wel-

Hayden: Whoa, whoa, hold on, wait a minute! It's already bad enough that these hypocrites in attendance tonight already decided to take it upon themselves to shit on the return of my best friend to the Community Deathmatch commentary team. But my best friend, jjsthekid, certainly doesn't need a lousy, tapeworm, rent-a-mod such as you to call him a donkey! Of all things in the Spanish dictionary and that's all you can come up with? Thank you for contributing absolutely nothing to this team. This is exactly why I am out here, to carry your non-contributing carcass to a passable performance!

Jjs: Actually, Hayden, I think the "burro" jab was at you tho, first off, and-

Hayden: Oh, that was directed at me?

Jjs: I think so-

Crushing: Jes, muy much so.

Jjs: Yes, very much so, actually.

Hayden: Alright

Hayden raises his finger up at Crushing and pauses for a hot minute.

Hayden: ...FAIR ENOUGH!

Jjs: And secondly, Crushing, just who are you to call my best friend, Hayden, a burro? A donkey? You're pretty much just calling him an ass without much provocation whatsoever. Just what did my best friend do to warrant such a harsh reaction?

Hayden: Nothing, that's what.

Jjs: Exactly, all he did was come out here to help ring in my return, and you all shit on him for it.

Hayden: But I could've sworn all those patboos earlier were for you tho.

Jjs: No, of course not. Everybody here fucking loves me. Everybody just can't fucking stand you.

Hayden: "Jou" see? This is what having a best friend on this site is really all fucking about, "mang". Not all that fake ass, outdated Fan Five shit. You don't long winded, comma-laden goodnight messages like a bunch of hypocritical pussies. A true best friend will tell it to you how it really is.

Crushing: But all these chicos in attendance were doing just that, mang.

Jjs: Well, unfortunately for these chicos, they all don't have the same relationship with Hayden as I do, so that automatically makes their opinions of him invalid.

Hayden: I was totally gonna retort that asinine popular opinion with a completely unpopular argument, but I really couldn't have said better than that. Thank you, jjs, you are always looking out for your boy.

Jjs: Only the best for my best friend.

Hayden: Put that on a fucking t-shirt for the spinoff festival and watch em get sold out in a matter of minutes, OMJ!

Jjs: There is no putting a price on this friendship, mang!

Hayden: Yeah, so fuck what I just said about the t-shirts, and fuck you, Crushing, for trying to ruin OUR fun.

Jjs: This is very unbecoming behavior from a staff member such as yourself, Crushing. I must say that you've disappointed me here tonight, mang. You're totally acting as if my best friend, like, sexually harassed you, or something.

Hayden: Crushing, I couldn't "fuck you" enough, honestly. 

Jjs: It's ridiculous, honestly.

Hayden Jjs, could you be a pal and pull rank in order to do something about this interloper before I REALLY have to update my list?

Jjs: Gladly. Crushing, as your commanding member, I hereby relieve you of your duties for the rest of the night. So please, kindly "contribute" elsewhere while my best friend and I both take Community Deathmatch back to its former glory.

Hayden: No wonder why you're up there in the polls to face Zaid, "mang". Just goes to prove that popularity only gets you shit in this community and in life! These so-called "friends" of yours would throw you to the goddamn wolves, jjs would never do that to me!

Jjs: Never in my lifetime or any other lifetimes to come after.

Hayden: Or before!

Jjs: And even before. Yes, even before this lifetime!

Crushing is conflicted on just how to respond, but he simply sucks it up and leaves before bumping the How Are You Feeling? (emotionally) thread with yet another new post saying that he feels "average". Hayden grabs hold of his list and takes out his pen.

Hayden: You know on second thought, do you know what you get for being such a parasitic killjoy, Crushing? Huh? Do you know what happens when you dare confuse the Terrible Twos for the Fantastic Five?

Jjs: Well, the "Terrible Twos" actually makes us sound, you know, terrible.

Hayden: HUH?! Do you know what that gets you, Bad Guy?!

Jjs: ooh, nice one!

Hayden clicks his pen, licks his fingertip and turns two pages on his clipboard.

Hayden: YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!

Hayden jots Crushing's name down on his ever growing list of unpopular opinions before throwing both the clipboard and his pen furiously onto the table.

Hayden: The nerve of some people, jjs!

Jjs: I really couldn't agree with you more, man. It's getting beyond ridiculous at this point. Most people just need to learn some goddamn tolerance.

Hayden: We are best friends united!

Jjs: We will let nobody break the bond that we have. You may have been able to do that with the Fantastic Five, but this right here, this is real!

Hayden: And it might be unpopular to all of you, but it's popular to us, and that's all that really matters around here!

Jjs: Way to put it best, best friend!

Hayden: The bestest!

Jjs: But contrary to unpopular belief, that verbal slaying you just witnessed was, indeed, NOT our scheduled Deathmatch for this evening!

Hayden: So without anymore further ado from any of you jealous marmosets, lets head on down to the ring, where Community Server, Clem, is waiting for the official start of tonight's inaugural spinoff festival festivitiess!

 

Tvguy comes riding out in a Roblox Valor Supprera that he bought with all dat SBC money that he's made off the business throughout his tenure here. He parks the car on the ramp and exits the vehicle, choosing to play up to the crowd as he makes his way to the ring decked out in some sort of Armani suit, I don't know, like in some of his reality images.

Jjs: There he is, folks, SBC's Greatest Export, as he so self-proclaims!

Hayden: Hogwash! Everybody should know that the power of our friendship is the best thing that this community has ever produced in its 8 year history on the World Wide Web.

Jjs: That, it is, Hay! That it most certainly is,

Hayden: How much do you think his parents paid for that suit, pal?

Jjs: Too goddamn much, that's for sure, buddy.

Tvguy calls for a microphone and gets one handed to him. The crowd seems mostly mixed about how to feel about him so far.

Tvguy: How is everybody doing tonight?! Are we enjoying that Spin-Off Festival or what, huh?!

The crowd gives him a cheap pop for that one.

Tvguy: Yes, only here in the SpongeBob Community will you find such joyous occasions for yourselves to take active part in! It is one of the best things about our site, after all, our spin-off/lits community.

Hayden: *COUGHBULLSHIT*

Jjs: *AGREEDCOUGH*

Tvguy: I was...made aware of some pretty tragic turn of events recently that took place on the other SpongeBob fansite, SpongeBuddy Mania. A very heinous act was committed against the leader of their site. I can not put it into words just how sorry I am for its members. Now, it's large, thriving member base is left without a real leader. As the former Director in Chief of the SpongeBob Community, I can honestly say that I certainly do notcondone the actions of that individual. But I can honestly say that Ssj sure had that shit coming a mile away! I mean, come on, Ssj totally had it coming! And like the inept leader that he really is, as this incident finally proves, he did absolutely nothing to prevent it from happening! Scratch what I said earlier, I'm sorry that you somehow went on this long with such a pathetic excuse for a forum leader! Now, I could go on and on about how and why all you displaced castaways should find refuge here in the relative comfort of the SpongeBob Community, but you already know that!

The crowd continues to show their mixed feeling towards Tvguy's words through various :patboos:, :bruhs:, :laughs: and :okays:.

Tvguy: But, in the very likely case that some of you may have been living under a rock throughout all these years, I have officially implemented a brand spankin' new, innovative advertising campaign that I think you all will find quite charming, and most of all, persuasive!

Tvguy gives a signal of two claps to somebody in the back, calling them out.

???: COME TO THE SPONGEBOB COMMUNITY, the Patrick Star of the SpongeBob fandom!

 

Jjs: Alright, there's two glaring things wrong here. One, neither of these two are even official SBC members. Why, one of them is Alejandro, tvguy's friend named after a Lady Gaga song who he would call from the xat way back when, and who also appeared in the pilot episode of Community Deathmatch, helping Tvguy in his deathmatch against Wumbo. The other schmuck is probably just another lame excuse to reference the fact that Tvguy likes Lady Gaga. And two, "The Patrick Star of the SpongeBob fandom"? What the hell does that even mean, Hayden?

Hayden: Well, Patrick Star is the second most prominent character on the show, best friends with the star player of said show. I know that this will more than likely be an unpopular opinion, but it seems pretty fitting to me, jjs.

Jjs: Well, Hayden, you know that I just can't help but agree with you!

Alejandro: Look, Fernando! Here we are, paradise!

Fernando: Alejandro, you see this community? This community is our island! And when we step into the Deathmatch Arena, the camaraderie here is matched by no other!

Jjs: True!

Hayden: Very true!

Alejandro: And we welcome people from all across the Spongebob fandom, even pieces of trash like any of you SBMers out there! 

Fernando: So tonight, we will like to persuade you, and everyone else in this arena, by sharing a little piece of our paradise!

 

Jjs: Bah gawd almighty! Th-That's gotta be Fred Rechid!

Hayden: That's right, folks, here comes Fred Wretched down to the Deathmatch ring now, probably looking to try and make himself look like even more of a fool once again.

Jjs: After a tumultuous 2014 and early 2015, followed by a halfway decent late 2015 and 2016, "The Ripoff" Fred Rechid is looking to finally make his presence truly felt in the Deathmatch Arena! And he could be looking to do just that at the high expense of Tvguy's new ad campaign! 

Hayden: He's friends with distasteful, uncouth dullard such as Katpiss and Wumbutt, jjs. What's the worse he can possibly do, having learnt from some of the most unoriginal, brainwashed hive minds to ever grace your SpongeBob Community?

Jjs: Well, not much, as I am ever so inclined to agree with you, Hayden, but you can't simply count out Fred's never ending resolve to constantly better himself in hopes of getting as far away from his 2014 self as possible! That takes some real hard work and dedication, and look where that's got him today? A cashier position here at the SpongeBob Community!

Hayden: Yeah, but I would totally make a better, unbiased mod.

Jjs: Oh, totally. No question. Although, I guess it's a good thing that American Idiot is still out of commission given the history that those two have together.

Hayden: Yes, but it absolutely pales in comparison to the history that WE have together, jjs.

Jjs. Hayden, if you had a doubloon for every point you make that I can wholeheartedly agree with, you'd be the wealthiest member on this damn site.

Hayden: Then you should totally make that perk happen using your admin powers right now.

Jjs: Once this Deathmatch is over, friend, I give you my word.

As Fred struts his stuff and makes his way towards the ring, he flicks some sweat from his hair right onto Hayden.

Hayden: AHHAHGDHHUGH! That is a blatant abuse of power, jjs!

Jjs: Perhaps getting some sort of measure of sick, twisted revenge on my best friend, Hayden, for his, imho, extraordinarily noble treatment of Katpiss, Fred has just flicked sweat at my best friend in act of power abuse the likes of which we haven't seen since the shutdown of the Moderator for a Day program! To those of you watching at home, I want you all to know that I, personally, do not fucking condone the actions made by a couple of the members on my staff team here tonight. It is deplorable, morally wrong in every which way you look at it, it makes me sick to my stomach having to stand by and watch such selfish acts unfold before my very eyes, but I assure you, my best friend, that they will receive maximum punishment for their public displays of aggression. I give you my word!

Hayden: Thank you, jjs! At least I can count on at least ONE PERSON here to have my back around here. This is all just totally unacceptable behavior, and this might just be an unpopular opinion, but you should look into totally revising the SBC Rulebook and rectifying such egregious wrongs.

Jjs: I should and will totally look into doing just that once this Deathmatch is finally over! *clicks pen* It's going right at the top of my list of things to do for Hayden along with everything else that's already on it!

Hayden peers over at jjs' list and points something out.

Hayden: Also, don't forget about the executive private forum section just for us.

Jjs: Ah shit, I knew I was forgetting something important equally as important. Fort Jjaysden will be all but penetrable!

Hayden: Yeah!- wait, so there isn't gonna be any penetration?

Fred finally makes it to the ring throughout all their pandering and comes face to face with Tvguy and his ad campaign in the ring.

Tvguy: And just what do you think you're doing coming out here and interrupting my latest innovation, perro?

Fred: You know, people likes to say "Good Ol' Jjs" but what about Good Ol' Tvguy right here? Years off the staff and in retirement and SBM is still the only thing on his mind. That's funny, but do you know what's even funnier? Me.

Tvguy: sweetie, everybody already knew that! Everybody knows that you are the biggest joke to grace this community since SOF!

Fred: Yeah, yeah, I may just be some big joke to somebody like you, but at least I'm a good one! You wanna know what a bad joke really is? You pride yourself on being the "Innovator of Innovation" when really, all your innovations are just one big bad joke!

Tvguy: Are any of you taking this perro srsly?

Half of the crowd: MOST SERIOUS MEMBER!

Other half of the crowd: 2017!

Half of the crowd: MOST SERIOUS MEMBER!

Other half of the crowd: 2017!

Half of the crowd: MOST SERIOUS MEMBER!

Other half of the crowd: 2017!

Fred: That's another good one, guys. Seriously but if I can actually be serious for just one moment, I CAN NOT and WILL NOT stand idly by while I watch you take another heaping round of shit on one of the places that I can call home away from home!

Alejandro puts his hands around Tvguy's to shield away such blasphemous words.

Tvguy: And here I thought you inherited your stupidness from Wumbo, well perhaps some of it. But in actuality, it mostly all comes from down there. If I can be srs for just one momento, as well, seeing some trash urchin like you on the staff of a site that I helped launch into the stratosphere, it makes me sick, muchacho. Believe me when I say that I tried my best to stay tolerant when it came to you stinking up the staff lounge, but tonight, my tolerancy has reached its breaking point. I think that it is finally to time to take out the trash, wouldn't you agree?

Alejandro and Fernando both nod in agreement as Tvguy unbuttons his suit and tosses his scarf to the side, but then he stops and picks it back up.

Tvguy: You know, for all the things that you and your mentor Wumbo have in common, there is one thing that truly differentiates you both in my eyes; Wumbo has at least earned himself a shred of my respect. You, on the other hand, have earned nada! NOTHING! At least Wumbo had the decency to serve on this staff as an SBC original! You came from nothing, you were brought up on nothing, you bring nothing to the table, you are nothing but trash! You shall get NOTHING from me!

Fred: Yeah, well, as much as you'd like to not acknowledge that very same trash that you like to pick new members out of, I can say that in spite of all its shortcomings, that trash is my home away from home! Much like how SBC is also my home away from home! If it wasn't for my all experiences slumming around in that hot garbage all these years, I wouldn't have even become half the cashier, half the moderator, that I am today! And I know too damn well that I sure as fuck contributed to at least 40% of that dump, but at the end of the day, it all served to make me better than what I was when I first posted them! I can proudly say that three years of blood, sweat and trash got me to where I am today, and I know just as well that it pisses you right the fuck off! And you wanna know why it pisses you off as much as it does? It's because this mere trash urchin achieved a hell of lot more than he could possibly dream of in three years time than you ever could in your wildest of dreams for even longer and with much more opportunity than I was ever given!

Tvguy is taken aback by Fred's words and backs off a bit.

Tvguy: Oh so fortunately for you, an SBC original such as myself doesn't play in the garbage, perro! But luckily for me, I employ people that do.

Alejandro and Fernando quickly jump Fred at a high rate of speed and they both proceed to pummel him into a corner. Tvguy leaves the ring and the dirty work to his friends and employees and chooses to watch on from ringside.

Jjs: Tvguy sics his ad campaign on Fred and it looks like tonight's featured Deathmatch is finally underway!

Hayden: Looks like we're having ourselves a little 2-on-1, jjs!

Fred manages to fight Alejandro off of him with some well calculated right hands, but Fernando cuts Fred down with a series of vicious stomps to the left knee. Fred is brought down, giving Fernando a good angle to press his foot against Fred's neck, pushing, squeezing it back into the corner turnbuckle and cutting off Fred's air circulation. Alejandro comes back in and joins in with some more stomps to Fred's head as Fernando keeps pressing on.

Jjs: Alejandro and Fernando putting Fred immediately under the pressure. And quite literally, at that. We haven't quite seen an official handicap Deathmatch take place here before, Hayden. This could prove to be a real test for Fred's modship!

Hayden: Well, he seems to be failing said test so far, jjs, as per the norm when it comes to a member such as Soon-to-be-Dead Fred! If Fred hopes to somehow survive this 2-on-1 situation, he's going to have to find a way to isolate both of his opponents away from each other and try his damnedest to keep it 1-on-1 for as long as he possibly can in order to create an opening to go for a single kill.

Alejandro gets Fernando to release his foot and signals to pick Fred up for a double team maneuver of some sort. They pick Fred up to his feet and whips him into the ropes. Fred ricochets back to where Alejandro and Fernando both lie in wake for his return and they nail him with a double hip toss.

They immediately go to lay dual elbow drops onto him, but Fred manages to kip up out of the way, leaving Tvguy's ad campaign to drop their elbows right onto the mat, causing them great pain on impact.

Jjs: Tvguy's employees were employing a double team maneuver to keep Fred down, but like most setbacks in Fred's online life, he immediately bounces back to try and move past it, and move right past it he most literally did!

Alejandro and Fernando scramble to get back up as Tvguy nags them to buy artpop win this goddamn Deathmatch. Fred charges them, but they look to greet him with a double clothelesline, which Fred manages to see coming as he ducks under it, shoots right past them, runs the rope and comes back with a Sling Blade to Alejandro.

Jjs: Fred connects with a Sling Blade! Perhaps in homage and veneration to one of his interests, The Great Aya!

Hayden: And I'm sure just that one mention of her will more than likely be up there as her favorite part of this episode, jjs!

Jjs: Perhaps with a smidge more speed and velocity, that Sling Blade could've done just the trick to get Fred the W.

Hayden: But, of course, Fred gets a big, fat L instead!

Fred tries to get right back up to his feet, but Fernando swoops in grabs Fred for a Three Amigops.

Tvguy proceeds to plug SBC with each Amigop that Fernando hits.

Tvguy: COME TO SBC! COME TO SBC! COME TO SBC!

Tvguy & Fernando: The Patrick Star of the SpongeBob Fandom!!!

Jjs: I'm the director in chief of the SpongeBob Community, and I approve of this cheap plug.

Hayden: And anything that my best friend approves, gets my approval as well!

Fernando ascends to the top rope and sizes Fred up for a Patrick Star Press. He leaps off the turnbuckle to execute the move, but Fred manages to roll out of the way in the knick of time causing Fernando to come crashing down to the bare canvas ribs first. Fred immediately scoops Fernando up for a pumphandle gutbuster right to the midsection.

Fernando screams in pain as Fred sizes him up for a superkick, but Alejandro intervenes by timely taking out Fred's knee with great force.

Fred:

 

This gives Fernando some time to roll out of the ring in order to recuperate. Armando kicks Fred around as Fred holds his knee in pain before pulling him into a Back Cracker.

Jjs: Alejandro planting a seriously sick looking Back Cracker right into the spinal column of Fred!

Hayden: I don't know how it can even affect him, he has no backbone whatsoever!

Alejandro continues to hold Fred in place, driving his knees further into Fred's back in a sort of modified surfboard position.

Fernando looks to capitalize on this by once again ascending to the top rope and jumps off, landing right on top of Fred's midsection with a double knee drop with his full body weight behind it. Fred coughs up blood and Alejandro and Fernando leap up in pride and joy as they believe Fred to be dead. Tvguy applauds their efforts. Clem surveys the situation and rules that Fred is still alive but not so well.

Jjs: Unbelievable, Fred is miraculously still in this thing!

Hayden: Fred proving himself to be hard to kill, much like the filthy cockroach that he is!

Alejandro and Fernando both grab Fred furiously by both arms for yet another double team maneuver. This time, their finisher, ¡The SB Si!

But before either of their kicks could connect, Fred manages to fling himself back and kips himself right back up, effectively dodging both attacks simultaneously. Once back up on his feet, he wraps Fernando up in order to set up a neckbreaker. Alejandro finally notices these developments and goes to stop him, but Fred stops him in his tracks by showing off a lil.

Jjs: Oooh, perhaps Fred is trying to show of for his interest, Aya, a little! Trying to grab her attention wherever she may be!

Hayden: Her ask thread, let's be real.

Disgusted, Alejandro resumes his attack, but ends up being lured right into a drop kick courtesy of Fred, allowing him to also fully execute the neckbreaker on Fernando in stereo with the drop kick.

Jjs: Fred once again bouncing right back from another setback! 2017!Fred looks to be here to stay, Hayden!

Hayden: And here I thought this year was looking up so far too, as much of an unpopular opinion as that may be to most!

As Fernando reels in pain from the neckbreaker, Fred charges towards Alejandro and lands a Fameasser in the back of his head.

Fred fires up as Fernando comes back for a clothesline, but Fred catches him with a superkick right before Fernando could connect.

Jjs: Bah gawd almighty! I think that killed him!

Fred collapses to the mat in exhaustion and struggles back up to his feet. Alejandro and Fernando both still stir, as well, also trying to find both their footing.

Hayden: Well, judging from that stirring, he still looks fine to me, jjs, as unpopular as that opinion is!

Fred is suddenly tripped up and pulled out of the ring by Tvguy, who proceeds to wail on him at ringside.

Jjs: What the fuck is this?! What happened to not playing in the trash, Dylan?

Hayden: Desperation can make a person do the craziest of things you never thought would be possible coming from them, jjs, and we all know just how desperate enough he was trying to get more people to join SBC before this match up even began. If his new ad campaign were to lose to this trash sheep tonight, he can kiss his hopes and dreams for all of that goodbye!

Fred gets Tvguy to back off with a headbutt but Tvguy comes right back and nails an enzuigiri off the ring apron and throws Fred back into the ring at the mercy of his boys, Alejandro and Fernando. He then takes out some hand wash to wash his hands with after having his hand forced to touch that piece of trash.

Jjs: Tvguy not liking having to get physical there not one bit. His bipolar hatred for all things SBM runs deep.

Hayden: Can I be spotted some of that hand lotion? I feel unclean and trashy as it is just from having to call a Fred match-up.

All three combatants get up to their feet at the same time.  Alejandro and Fernando persuade Fred to come at them, which he does, but they catch him for what looks like a double flapjack

But before Fred could get brought back down into the mat, he shifts weight and counters their efforts into a vicious double DDT, driving them both head first into the mat, splattering them on impact.

Jjs: BAH GAWD ALMIGHTY! FRED NAILS THEM BOTH WITH A HIGH IMPACT DOUBLE DDT! ALEJANDRO AND FERNANDO BOTH LOOK TO BE OUT OF IT, FOLKS!

Clem surveys the damage and the decision seems pretty unanimous as he goes over and helps Fred up to his feet by his arm before raising it.

Clem: WINNER, FRED RECHID, Y'ALL!

Fred celebrates his victory in the middle of the ring by calling out to one of his one true loves.

Fred: SHEGOOO! I DID IT!

Jjs: Fred has managed to defy the odds and he lives to post another day! Fred sure cemented his claim to running the register around here, eh Hayden?

Hayden: ehh, he's lucky he only went at it with a couple of faceless no-names. Unpopular opinion here, but that was no monumental victory by any stretch of the imagination. A halfway decent effort at one, yes, but let this trash sheep run any register of mine? I certainly think not!

Jjs: God, Hayden, you just never quit giving me more reasons to agree with you more!

Fred's celebration is cut by the untimely intervention of tvguy, who's boobs are flaring as he furiously forces himself to go back on the attack and finish what his ad campaign couldn't get done. Tvguy calls for his patented Cross Branded Armbreaker, tapping his arm to get the crowd hyped up.

Crowd: ¡SB Si! ¡SB Si! ¡SB Si! ¡SB Si! ¡SB Si! ¡SB Si! ¡SB Si!

Jjs: What an utter display of salty balls here, Hayden! The likes of which we haven't seen from the tvman since the Roger's Lightbulb Fight of 2012!

Tvguy: You may have 3005 reputation points exact, trash urchin

Tvguy: But even that will not save you tonight.

Jjs: Tvguy making reference to his admiration of Childish Gambino at one point in 2014, the year that Fred dreads to tread!

Tvguy goes to lock it in, but Fred manages to pull away his arm at just the right moment, leaving Tvguy open for a lightning quick Fredgendorffer courtesy of the #1 Fan of Daria Fredgendorffer right onto the former director in chief! Tvguy immediately rolls out of the ring on instinct to avoid any further damage to his reputation.

Jjs: Fred connects with the Fredgendorffer, his patented finishing move!

Fred and Tvguy exchange harsh words as Tvguy makes his unceremonious exit from the Deathmatch Arena, not even bothering to take his Roblox car with him.

Hayden: Tvguy retreats! Not Dead Fred lives to mod another day!

Fred resumes his celebration in the ring, but it gets cut off once again, this time by a blindsiding jjsthekid!

Hayden: Oh, until NOW, of course!

Jjs stomps and pounds away on the fatigued Fred.

Jjs: You want to FLICK SWEAT AT MY BEST FRIEND, HUH?! I'll flick you all around this fucking ring just for him if I have to!

Hayden finally makes his way down with his list in hand and applauds Jjs' harsh punishment to Fred, much to the ire of everyone else with an opinion on this.

Hayden: Fuck him up, jjs! Make him feel the pain and humiliation that I felt!

Jjs picks Fred up by the chin and gets in his face.

Jjs: An insult directed at MY best friend is an insult directed at ME!

Hayden: Yeah, and that goes DOUBLE for me! So way to quadruple the shit you're in right now!

Jjs holds Fred in place for Hayden to take some jabs at him, himself.

Jjs: After you!

Hayden: Such a gentleman!

Hayden proceeds to take his jabs at a helpless Fred.

Hayden: Do you know what you get when insult both me and my best friend? Huh? Do you know what happens when you flick sweat in my face, and therefore, also in the face of jjs?! Huh?! Do you know what that earns you?! HUH?!

Fred tries fighting back in vain.

Fred: No! NO!

Hayden: Fred Wretched, *clicks pen* YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!!!!

Fred: NOOOOOOO!!!

Jjs: Yeah, and make sure you spell his name like that too!

Hayden: Oh, I fucking plan on it, jjs!

Hayden licks his finger and flips through some of the pages before finally finding a free spot to add Fred's name to his list of unpopular opinions.

Hayden then takes a couple of stabs at Fred with his pen before directing jjs to carry his war-torn body to Tvguy's Roblox car, where he assist jjs in power bombing Fred right on top of the hood and windshield of the car.

Hayden: The Gift of Jjaysden tho! Drink it iiiiiiinnnn, maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-

 

They're suddenly interrupted by The Great Freakin' Aya, who makes her way out with a briefcase in hand. 

Her presence alone is enough to send Jjaysden retreating through the crowd in order to widen the gap between themselves and the Deathmatch veteran. 

Hayden: Too late, bitch!

Jjs: Yeah, you should've been out here like two minutes ago! 

Hayden: Yeah, some friend you are!

Jjs: The two best friends that nobody could have only fight on their own time!

Hayden: Good one, jjs!

They then high five each other and share a friendly embrace. After seeing to it that they won't be coming back anytime soon, Aya helps tend to a battered and beaten Fred. Her presence is more than enough to spring Fred back to life as she gets him to miraculously stand back up on his feet. She then raises his hand up in victory to a huge pop from the crowd.

Fred: MY FACE!

Fred shouts in pain immediately after eating Aya's Golly Knee. He collapses to the ground and lays motionless as Aya poses over him and places a foot on his chest.

Aya: I'm making MY OWN favorite part, thank you very much!

Jjs: What a psycho bitch, man. A real fucking cunt!

Hayden: This is exactly why nobody has the level of friendship that we share!

Aya continues standing over Fred and taunts the crowd before Community Deathmatch officially signs off, holding her briefcase high above her head.

 

[Aya♥]