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Community Deathmatch


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Mongo, Abney 3:17, and Grubby "The Grouper" Heenan are talking on the set of The Bottom Feeder, the head news source of SBM.  Until suddenly, someone holding an ask thread walks onto set.

Mongo:  "Look at the little guy!"

Aya: "Can it everyone!  You too, Botch-God!  I am Moxley, always have been Moxley, and always WILL be Moxley.  This is the SBC's Longest Thread."  -grabs trash can-

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, just go to sleep

 

The scene opens up to a shot of SBC's Best Member, Old Man Jenkins, lurking The Krabby Kronicle. It appears he is waiting impatiently for somebody. He looks at the time on his invisible watch.

OMJ: Fuck em, it's already been time for a goddamn hero and he's out there somewhere getting to coral bits out from under his walrus tits. I don't need an advocate to get my point across. I don't need to send a boy to do an old man's job.

OMJ goes out of his way to publish a new edition of The Krabby Kronicle with this as its headline.

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He then makes an announcement for all to see.

OMJ: Word to the wise, kids. Don't ever break an agreement, or else you will be the one that ends up broken. When I first became your Best Member, I made it very clear what the conditions of your continued stay in my world were; you have praise, you give it all to me. It was that fucking simple, and yet, you bunch of shit for brains still couldn't quite get even that through those cro-magnon fucking skulls of yours. It was about the easiest as I could possibly fucking make it for you and still, you manage to even fuck that up. But considering just who I'm dealing with here, I sure as shit gave you way too much fucking credit than what you're all fucking worth combined. I want you to look to your leader and remember just what he tried to do. Most of fucking all, I want you all to remember just what became of him. Jjs, I thought we hammered out a deal here and once again you disappoint. I didn't want for it to ever come down to this between us, Jjs. We were broadcast partners once, you know. I was a goddamn hero to you, and you were a foot rest to me. We have so much rich history, Jjs, and I truly thought you and I had finally created peace in our time. You disappointed not only me, but you also disappointed your entire community who now have to live with the consequences of your impulsive actions. They are all going to get it so much harder now, believe me. I, and I'm sure they all, only wish you were still around to share in this suffering together, truly as a fucking community. Can't get anymore tighter than that. If you thought this community has been through hard times before, you ain't fucking seen nothing yet. Don't think of this simply as your worst case fucking scenario. Think of this as being, The Best has yet to come!

OMJ pins his announcement to the top of the board, but returns to add in one more thing.

OMJ: And it's come to my attention that "The Great" Aya, or Moxley, or Agent Xero, or Anne Frank, or Jack Spicer, or Gaston, or whatever the fuck else this schizophrenic bitch wants to be has jumped not only the shark, but the gun and ship by trashing quite arguably the biggest topic in SBC history in the world's own personal trash can, SpongeBuddy Mania. Why am I not surprised? My, the sheer amount of people that place can miraculously attract. It's like watching a bunch of annoying, dirty fucking flies converge all around a steaming piece of dog shit. And you know what you do with dog shit? You bag em up and throw it in the trash! But for as much shit as SBM is given, they're at least run by people who have the slightest idea what they are and what they're doing. In fact, the one thing I can truly see as "trashy" on their part is giving a lying, cheating, gold digging, trash bag ho like Aya as much power as they have. And just why, exactly? Because she makes a thread addressing a very glaring problem with your chat room, that even most of the staff steers clear from, which somehow makes her the best candidate because she practically throws it out there that she's the best candidate? This is a fucking bitch who had cyber sex, with yours truly mind you, right in front of one the admins! And it was Abney, FYI. And I'm sure he loved every second of watching The Best doing what he does best. Perhaps about as close as he is ever going to get to that kind of action. But then, where exactly is my promotion? Where's my purple name? Where's the fairness in that? Why does she have so much clout? Because ssj touches himself to her that? Because The Best Member in not just The SpongeBob Community, but on SpongeBuddy Mania, did what no one else could do and turn his biggest punch line against him? But enough about those self-righteous prudes, they are far besides the point. You can just leave it to "The Great" Aya to fall back on SBM because that's the only shithole in the entire World Wide Web where she's actually anywhere near "great". Her act grew stale here years ago, and while she may think she dumped the "dead weight" that was myself and moved onto greener pastures, it was this dead weight keeping your pasty tanned ass afloat and carrying you to where you are today! And don't go thinking that being some hot shot at SBM makes you hot shit, because the member base there compared to SBC's, even SOF would seem like the coolest fucking kid on the coolest fucking table. I mean, if that was your rebound following me, then boy have the standards of "greatness" fallen so low, it needs a fucking ladder to see Jelly eye to eye and she's 5 ft tall and you can't teach that! So by all means, Aya, when you're done playing around in the kindergarten playground, how's about you finally graduate and mature a little by stepping foot onto the college campus, where the real world awaits to eat you out and spit you right the fuck back out!

OMJ raises his Best Member title high above his head.

OMJ: BEST IN THE WOOOOOOORLD!

The scene switches to Crushing lurking by himself in the "How are you feeling? (Emotional Wreck)" thread, where he is contemplating just what he is feeling today.

Crushing: Hmm, I am depressed. I keep getting...negative thoughts...

Crushing flashes back to Jelly's Deathmatch with Blaze.

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Clappy: But this is Jelly, this is our queen we're witnessing murdered out there! I refuse to stand idly by while our queen's online life is once again at stake! I cannot and will not stay silent on this matter any longer. Fellow SBCers, get your likes ready because I'm about to post a whole lot of words that make just too much sense!

Crushing intervenes.

Crushing: The good of one doesn't outweigh the good of the many, mang. I, too, will not stand idly by while you all throw your online lives away so foolishly yet admirably. I'll lay my life on the line to stop you from saving her if I have to.

Clappy stinkeyes Crushing his entire way down to the ring. Crushing gets in the ring and goes toe to toe with the ding of dings.

Crushing: We're good, chico. Deathwithhatchet.gif

Crushing then spits in Clappy's face.

Crushing Contributes Clappy right through The Executive Producer's office window

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hilaryfan80 finishes off Jelly's tenure with one hell of a Hell Of A Kick.

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Crushing: ¡I spit in the face of people who don't want to be good!

Crushing collapses to the ground, conflicted. He quickly jots down his feelings into the reply box in mental anguish.

???: Hi, how are ya?

A voice randomly bellowed out calmly, interrupting Crushing's train of thought. Crushing looks down at what he has written.

Crushing: "Average."

???: Sounds good.

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Crushing looks up to see another user, who has anonymously logged onto SBC, in the thread with him. The anonymous user slowly approaches Crushing with what looks like an old Spy Buddies roblox gun in hand, aiming it squarely at Crushing. The user takes a seat across from Crushing

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Crushing: ...Si, uhh, hola. Me llamo El Buen Tipo. Say hola to The Good Guy.

The anonymous user doesn't say hola to the good guy and they sit there awkwardly for a hot minute until Crushing finally decides to break the ice with

Crushing: Oh, you can lower that, jefe.

The anonymous user keeps his spy buddies gun raised at Crushing.

Crushing: ...Unless you have good reason to keep it out, then I can partly not understand...

After more awkward silence and haphazardly weighing the pros and cons of what he's about to do, Crushing finally overcomes his inner turmoil and decides on asking the user a question.

Crushing: What's the mask for, chico?

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Anonymous User: You remember in the episode "The Bully", when Mrs. Puff introduces Flats to  the entire class, she tells them to "put on your happy faces", which they all did. Quite literally.

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Anonymous User: I believe that, with much confidence, that tradition holds true here as well. Whenever someone arrives, it's the same old song and dance; "Greetings from Apple World!", "Felicitations Malefactor!", "You're new? big whoop! Wanna fight about it?", "Welcome to hell, I'll be your tour guide, Aya." Or even worse

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Each uttered behind a mask of false hope, false promise. Even more so, when such empty words are uttered to the emotionally weak and downtrodden, those who just can't help but take all that pent up real life problems of theirs and unload it all here for everyone, especially myself, to drown in their river of tears. A river that revolves all around them. And those same people put on their own facades in some unhealthy attempt to convince themselves that maybe they can just continue to run and hide away from their problems by seeking refuge here, an Internet forum, and further feed their insecurities and debilitating mental states. But if what I just smacked you in the face was too long for you to read, then in short; it wasn't my dick. This mask represents the feeling of having to put on a "happy face" to hide the utter disdain that you get when confronted with someone or something that is a complete and total waste of time, be it someone like you or something like life. Someone posts a depressing sharing time post, put your happy face on. Someone feeling sad and hopelessly pathetic in this very thread, put your happy face on. Someone can post their own blog now, and you can put your happy face on for that too. You put it on because in the end you know that no matter what else you think you can do to possibly lighten any situation, people are always going to wallow in self-pity with no hope in sight, people are always going to find something else to unload on all everybody here. People like that. People like you, they're completely helpless. The only thing you can do to help them is to just...put them out of their misery.

Crushing: That was about as long as the first time you said it, mang.

Anonymous User: Then that right there was most certainly my dick that I slapped in your face just now.

The anon points at the happy face slapped over his own head.

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Anonymous User: Well, you see, this is my happy face. Thongs?

Crushing: :glare:

Anonymous User: Stupid autocorrect. *Thoughts?

Crushing thought it over a few seconds.

Crushing: Well, jou know. Everything gets a return, mang.

Anonymous User: ...Are you shitting me? :hehe:

Crushing: No, I shit you not, chico :Laugh::okay: unless, of course, you have a valid reason to think that I am shitting you, which may or may not-

Anonymous User: I didn't ask for your whole life story, mang.

The user hehes to himself a bit then likes Crushing's thoughts.

Anonymous User: I like this. You know, I don't get to meet new people here very often. Maybe once, say, every two years.

Crushing: That's a lot :lori:

Anonymous User: Well I have a life. Well, we do, anyway. Something more people here should invest their life savings in. Sometimes we find time to anonymously log in, lurk the topics, we run through them. Oh, we have drama of our own too, but we just keep that all to ourselves. The world doesn't just revolve around us, jou know. But it sure seems as if it revolves around all of you.

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Crushing just nods in disagreement, having an itchy left clicker finger to post his emotional state.

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Anonymous User: Things are different now. We're different. It wasn't like meeting like this...as equals. Having lil chats in the ask threads, spilling your guts out to a stranger, finding time to share the little sob stories and drama that goes on in people's lives, both online and offline now. They're just about the closest thing to good spin-offs and lits nowadays. I miss good spin-offs and lits. You know, I used to- don't post that.

The anonymous user calmly demands, firmly gripping his roblox gun just as Crushing was about to post his emotional state. Crushing immediately refrains.

Crushing: Why, mang??

Anonymous User: Because I can't take it, not anymore. I don't wanna listen to everything you have to say. Not a single word.

Crushing: Can I at least post a little of it? You know, just to keep me going a day or two? Just to keep me active?

Anonymous User: No. But I will, for a fact, take you. And you won't exactly "be active."

After much hesitance, Crushing begrudgingly deletes his post.

Anonymous User: Now that's a good guy. Some of the people around here, when life gets them down, when shit hits their fan, they think that maybe they can just pick up their things and leave. Just like that. Then a day or so later, well, jou know. "Everything gets a return", right? Well, not anymore.

Crushing fights back his pent up feelings of goodness.

Crushing: Look, chico, you can have my doubloons. You can have everything, jefe. There ain't nothing worth anything here to contribute them towards anyway. There doesn't need to be any ugliness, mang. But I can not allow you to take me away from this community. I will not allow that.

Crushing gets up to give him all the doubloons he has by donating them to his anonymous account, but the user stops him by cocking his gun.

Anonymous User: DON'T move!

Crushing slowly sits back on the ground, mentally preparing himself for any and all retaliation, making sure that he is as ambiguous as possible in order to be able to catch this anon by surprise.

Crushing: You're not contributing to this topic right now, mang. It is within my jurisdiction to wipe you off the board completely, jefe. You still have a long life of contributing ahead of you.

Anonymous User: Just...go to sleep. 

Crushing: Don't you throw it all away, I won't forgive you if you do. And I won't even forgive myself, chico.

Anonymous Go...to...sleep...

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The scene cuts to Clappy, back at work and back to work working on his posting game while on his private jet en route to DC

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Clappy: This is ridiculous! I am the ding! How could I possibly let such commoners, such uncultured swine, ever surpass my post count?! It's inhuman, it's unnatural, it's a slap in my face and the entire kingdom that I have built throughout all my years! I will not be outmatched, I will not outclassed like some grade A amateur! I am a A+ poster and I am that damn good! No old man, no good guy can ever hope to dethrone me! They are but mere pawns in the game, for I AM THE GAME, and I won't be played for anyone's fool! I shall adapt! I shall reclaim my throne and my crown! You shall bow before me, begging for death to come take you away! This Community is my dingdom, I merely allow you to take temporary residence in it! SBCers, here my decree! Your benevolent ding shall soon liberate you! Behold your ding! The Ding of Dings!

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ACS: It starts with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane, and Allen James is not afraid

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ACS: Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn. World serves its own needs, don't misserve your own needs

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ACS: For when Lochnivar drops, a familiar force shall rise to claim what is mine.

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ACS: It will be the end of the world as you know it.

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ACS: And I'll feel fine.

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ACS: "Team by team, reporters baffled, trumped, tethered, cropped. Look at that low plane, fine, then. Uh-oh, overflow, population, common group. But it'll do, save yourself, serve yourself."

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ACS: The power droppeth is a thief in the night, to claim what others have taken. Those who are unjust, destruction will cum upon and they shall not escape.

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ACS: "World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the Rapture and the reverent in the right, right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam fight, bright light. Feeling pretty psyched" because Lochnivar is dropping, and it'll be the end of the world as you know it.

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ACS: ...And I'll feel fine.

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, it's just posts!!!

 

The scene opens up to ACS's grade school classroom again when suddenly

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???: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Renegade: You can't just keep building up to Lochnivar without the One Man Show, baybay! What you need is a big payoff, and daddy here needs a big payday, baybay! What you're checking out right now is the man that is the hottest free agent going in spin offs/lits today, baybay! No one else will make use of my many talents! JCM continues to dangle the carrot in front of my face on Tyeam U, Jjs failed to utilize me to my full potential in SBC Falls, the only one who saw the big doubloons, saw likes in me was the Clapmaster who practically gave me a show stealing, soon to be spinny award-winning, performance in SBCinema's latest box office hit, "Banbusters", and that was only after I begged him to allow me to direct, produce, write, star AND make sweet mutant love to one lucky SBC lady, in the SBC parody of Deadpool, baybay!! But I'm just not satisfied with that. I am capable of more than just driving some dumb ole bus and then being threatened by two over the hill SpongeBob forum administrators to drive two brats back home. I'm worth more than just being possessed into ghost sex with Aya, therefore becoming one-half of the second man to climb that mountain! I'm worth a lot more if just given the chance! You know, a little bit of Ren trivia here, it was filming that ghost sex scene with Aya that I was given two more mouths to feed. So now, I have 7, count em, SEVEN little Ren's creations running around God's creation, and counting at the rate all these lovely ladies throw themselves at me! I mean, is it the new avatar? I just slapped it on there maybe two days ago, and now maybe four or five of you have slapped yourselves on top of me since. But a man's gotta do what A MAN's gotta do to provide a stable living for these kids! I've already taken a step in the right direction putting all my money into this Deadpool parody that may or may not see the light of day, baybay! I'm on the up! But what could really put me over the top, what could really make Renegade a household name in the SpongeBob Communitay, baybay, is a role of my lifetime on Community Deathmatch! I've read bits and pieces here and there, as I'm sure everybody else has done, and I went and noticed something. No, not just one tiny reference to the One Man Show, I noticed that Community Deathmatch has a knack for making people famous! PatBack, Bad Reviews Halibut, Chad "The" Francis, Crushing, hilaryfan80, ACS, the entirety of SBM, Blaze, even somebody insignificant like Steel Sponge to name a few who have all skyrocketed into the spin off/lit stratosphere after just one appearance on this show! I am just as capable of doing all that AND SO MUCH MORE! Just give me a chance, give me an opponent, give me a time, give me a place, give me a date, give me some money to spend on that date and I promise, I will give back all that and maybe ten more mouths to feed. Look down deep, deep, deep, DEEP down in your souls, your pickles for SpongeBob's sake! You have everything to gain, I have nothing to lose! Think about the children! Don't you dare take away what daddy loves away from Guano Jr. or lil Lily. PLEASE Deathmatch, Jenkins, The Ooze, somebody! MAKE ME FAMOUS!

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ACS: ...And it will be the end of the world as you know it.

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, just stop!!!

 

???: Stop what you're doing and

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???: right now! Because I have a deal for you that will just make your heart stop!

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Purple: Chances are, if you're like what seems to be all of SBM at the moment, you're either on your period or on the edge right now! 

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Purple: In fact, you're probably pretty dang satisfied with how your life is going. No cares or worries for yourself, other than the typical nautical nonsense that should come to be expected on a site such as SpongeBuddy Mania! Well unlike SBC, SBM actually lives up to its name because its populated by nothing more than selfish, depraved, mentally fickle and physically incompetent maniacs who just can't seem to refrain themselves from going there and going absolutely mad by taking to the forums and getting other equally fucked, like-minded individuals such as yourselves riled up over absolutely nothing at all just to hide all your own latent insecurities!

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Purple: But instead of being the bearer of bad reviews, I've got great news! My name is definitely NOT Purple so STOP CALLING ME THAT, it's Red! And I'm here to

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Red: YOU! With my patented "Stop Loss System", I can help shed those unwanted burdens both from yourself, and from everyone else! Why just spontaneously decide to "go" away only to, just as spontaneously, "go" crawling back like a bunch of shameless tapeworms? Just stick to the plan, and soon you can stop yourself from coming here on a more permanent basis absolutely free-of-shame!

@Jellatine @Webby Todd @Someone @Doctor Sex

Red: These are the actual profiles of actual users who may have very well benefitted from the Stop Loss System! Just look at those last logged in dates! These people have no doubt stopped breathing to keep themselves away from internet forums for that long! They've transformed themselves from fat, neckbearded, prepubescent losers on the web

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Red: to fat, neckbearded, prepubescent losers in real life! And now, you can be one too! Now, I know what you're thinking; "WHAT A GREAT TRADE OFF!" But it doesn't stop there, my friends! Because if you stop right now, you will receive three gallons of my red hot laundry detergent! 

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Red: My heart stopping assortment of way too many nutritious, delicious sleeping pills!

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Red: AND my patented noose to tie up any and all loose ends!

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Red: You'll get all three absolutely SHAME-FREE!

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Red: Great job, Bob, don't let me stop you!

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Red: He's about to really be 200 lb of bonafide dead weight in a minute! Which reminds me, I am sick of browsing around these forums and seeing such pathetic, click-baity, shameful monstrosities! ( http://www.sbmania.net/forums/topic/54826-petition-to-make-wumbologydude-an-admin/ ) So call this number to stop right now!

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Red: And join the legion of purple socked poser dudes who will stop at nothing to remain committed to the Stop Loss System! Remember, you can choose to bitch, complain and die alone. Or, you can stop what you're doing right now and pick up the phone! Take back control of your life! And remember, Red Means Stop! Don't delay,

Red: TODAY!


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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, he always gets his, man.

 

Making Canadian History

We open up to a shot of the US/Canadian border, where Frizzbee Entertainment is trying desperately to cross over into the great white north when suddenly, a yak riding mountie clad in a kilt makes his way up to Frizzbee.

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SOF: Who you, you elastic?

SOF utters unintelligibly for his yak to proofread and translate for him.

Frizzbee: No, but I am most certainly Yellowshdow's friend! That's the one thing I'm most proud of.

SOF: tmw I don't care. Anyway, did you know that for the 1st time ever in Canadian history, new SB 11 minute ep will air today before Canadian debut of The LEGO Movie at 4:30 pm!

Frizzbee: Yes, that's why I'm trying to come over. YTV sounds so awesome

SOF: tfw you and your nose definitely won't fit in.

Frizzbee: What?

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SOF: CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE CLOSED?! Canada isn't America's hat, America is Canada's pants. WE wear the pants in this relationship! And when I step into the Deathmatch Arena, like any ole pair of pants of mine, I will shit on anybody who tell me otherwise!

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SOF: Anybody. And remember, The Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksman always gets his, man!

 

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, just understand!

 

Compassion & Understanding

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???: People here watch the new Ghostbusters, and they see it as a middle of the road thing.

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???: lol They're just not seeing it the way that I don't.

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???: There are only two paths to choose, there is no middle ground to lazily fall yourself back on. The path this movie takes is a long, pandering, feminist one. A road that I like to I call, "Feminists Road", better known as "Dead Manchild's Curve".

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???: All you have to do, is change your point of view...

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Stancakes: And underSTANd!

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Cosmic: You cannot help me anymore.

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Cosmic: Do you understand?

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