So Sejima Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 What, no AN? Because of that you won't get me to sponsor for quite a while with your inaccuracy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Jenkins Posted March 10, 2014 Author Share Posted March 10, 2014 What, no AN? Because of that you won't get me to sponsor for quite a while with your inaccuracy. Or maybe he ain't dead... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
So Sejima Posted March 10, 2014 Share Posted March 10, 2014 Or maybe he ain't dead... Better reasons to not sponsor then, I could get fired for using stuff to help people kill people. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cha Posted March 11, 2014 Share Posted March 11, 2014 That was probably the best episode yet. It was worth all that time to read. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sauce Mama Posted March 13, 2014 Share Posted March 13, 2014 Holy crud, Jenkins. This made my day. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Jenkins Posted May 4, 2014 Author Share Posted May 4, 2014 Well, here's dat deathmatch that Clappy requested as overlord back from Neptune knows when. I was hoping to get it up during my birthday as a lil something-something from me, but this ended up being off by hours more than I intended. This is probs not my best work considering how little I know of this conflict, but I gave it my best shot. Big thanks to Jjs for providing me with the vital deets going into this. As always, the disclaimer is right below for a reason.The following program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein...except maybe Hayden and company... ...Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!Episode 17: From Bad to Worse The episode opens up to SOF in the xat with Dr. Sex and JCM. JCM: Dr. Sex, huh? What do you have a Ph.D in? Sex: I'm The Doctor of Sexanomics (a sign of things to come, wrestling fans), I'm untouchable but I'm forcing you to feel me. JCM: Something about you seems off, where's your boyfriend? Sex: lol he got himself kidnapped by Team PMS. Last I heard, dey at the local Wawa getting some gas station sushi or some shit. JCM: Shouldn't you be doing something about that? Sex: Yo dawg, shouldn't you be bumpin your thread, keepin your shine. JCM: You bring up an excellent point. Sex: Shiiit when do I never bring up my point JCM: I was being sarcastic. SOF: uhhhh okay jcm that's quit enough... Hayden gets on the xat. Hayden: Can it, Kan. SOF receives a PC from Major Wumbogram of the Anti Unnecessary and Somewhat Spammy organization, otherwise known as AUSS. SOF purchases Mod for a Day in the doubloon store and slaps his cowboy hat on his head before sneaking off conspicuously down Niagara Falls, where the AUSS headquarters are located. Agent SOF's theme song: Dudley Dudley Do Right! Dudley Dudley Do Right! Dudley Dudley Do Right! Bop! JCM: Hey, where's SOF? Sex: Fuck if I know, remind me to punch him later. JCM: But I need you to remind me. Agent SOF's theme: Dudley Dudley Do Right! Dudley Dudley Do Right! Wah! In SOF's hideout on the computer monitor, Major Wumbogram waits on screen for his operative to arrive. Major Wumbogram: Agent SOF, you're right on time eh! Dogelover: Much quick. So candian. Good spiller. Major Wumbogram: Shut up, Doge. No one like you. Dogelover: So hate. Much late. Last on banwagon. Oppen condom style. Major Wumbogram: Agent SOF, Hayden is planning to unleash his bitches on the tri community area! I need you to head down to the Community Deathmatch Arena, put a lock on his operations and take out the trash once and for all. Agent SOF: I believe my pants can handle it heh. SOF reassures, liking Wumbo's post. Major Wumbogram: At least somebody here likes me, unlike you, Doge! Dogelover: i wumbo. u wumbo. wumboing. its first grad. Agent SOF erects himself out of his chair and parachutes on over to the Deathmatch Arena. OMJ: CowBob RanchPants takes on xat mainstay, Hayden, here tonight on- Jjs: Allow me, Old Man. Tonight, the grand chumpion of the SBC archives, SpongeOddKan, takes on SBC's undisputed xat mainstay, Brenden, in an all-out kicking match between quote unquote "best enemies"! Here live, ON COMMUNITY DEATHMATCH! OMJ: Hey can you blame me, the SpongeBuck avvie is vury misleading. Jjs: Welcome death fans! OMJ: HUTTAH! Jjs: And welcome to Community Deathmatch! I'm back! OMJ: And I'm Old Man Jenkins! Jjs: Here to call all the heart-pounding, stomach-churning, carpal-tunneling, brick-shitting, typoing action for you tonight! OMJ: I have to say, Jjs, it feels good to not be the guy carrying the broadcast team anymore. Jjs: Yeah, well, it takes many years of fine dining and breathing to master that ancient art, Jenk Man. OMJ: I can only keep that stick up my ass for so long, I never thought I could ever sit properly in front of a computer agayn! I don't know how you do it! Jjs: Really? This is what I come back to? OMJ: Just to show that things haven't changed too much since you were last here Jjs: Speaking of things that haven't changed, lets have ourselves a look at the tape of what to expect from tonight's featured combatants! SpongeOddFan Join Date: January 24th, 2010 User Rank: Milkshake Operator Groups: Hawaiian Tikis Profile Views: 83445 Age: 16 years old Birthday: October 3, 1997 Gender: Male Location: Unknown Favorite Episode: The Masterpiece Favorite Character: SB Hayden Join Date: March 27th 2010 User Ranking: Jellyfisher Group: Hawaiian Tikis Profile Views: 42561 Member Title: Customer Age: 17 years old Birthday: August 1, 1996 Gender: Not Telling Interests: HA Location: Like I'd tell youOMJ: Hailing from part Unknown- so is that what they call Canada in this day and age. Had me thinking the Ultimate Warrior was gonna be here. Jjs: Too soon, Jenkins. OMJ: The one from Storm Racers, I meant! Jjs: Too soon, as well. OMJ: But like Hayden would tell me where he lives, I barely even know the fucker. But the jokes on YOU, my Yankee friend! Jjs got me the hook ups, the deets if you will, of your current ubicacion. So as your Interests says, "HA"! Put dat in your xat and kick it! Jjs: Why do you gotta be like this, Jenk Mang. OMJ: Nobody can not be a member of the Community and NOT bother to come on. If he ain't Lilcorey, then his ass is just not fuckin natural at all. I mean, look at the doubloons in his bank account, mang, doubloons going to waste! Doubloons that could serve better purpose with someone a hell of a lot more active. Jjs: Like wh- OMJ: Like me! There it is, I said it. I find it fuckin ridiculous how ridiculously active I am and this xat junkie has more than double of what I have, hell, more than a good damn majority of everyone else here. It's problematic! He's got quite the life insurance policy and whoever is his next of kin better damn well be worth it! Jjs: Well Jenkins, that just goes to show that sometimes it pays to go on the xat- OMJ: SHUT UP! Jjs: Both of our opponents here tonight are flying the orange flag of the Hawaiian Tikis! OMJ: Which I take no offense to whatsoever! Jjs: Hayden has himself a whole one year advantage in terms of age! OMJ: You mean to tell me that SOF isn't in his 20s? That hits me in me SBC childhood, don'tcha know! Jjs: But SOF has a very distinct advantage in terms of both ranking and profile views! OMJ: He may be younger, but also brings with him two more months of experience than his opponent. Surely those two crucial months could prove to be of use in this deathmatch, Jjs. Jjs: Of course not, Jenkins. OMJ: They both seemingly have penises, well, for all I know about Hayden. Jjs: Hayden, being Hayden, doesn't seem to give two barnacles about SpongeBob whereas his opponent's favorite episode is The Master Piece. OMJ: Which I never even heard of until now. Jjs: And his favorite character is SB. OMJ: Who the hell is SB? Squidward's Balls? Jjs: Who the hell are you, AVGN? OMJ: Seeing as how I'm 21 now, I could use a drink to take this deathmatch in, Jjs. Jjs: You and me both, Jenkins. You and me both. But enough of all the dilly dallying, lets head down- The sound of a hammer banging interrupts Jjs as the scene pans down to Bad Reviews Halibut beating his hammer down on his podium. Halibut: May I have some decorum in this forum please! I know you are all here in frolic, itching to see two cro-magnons banter with each other for all your collective amusement, but I'm afraid I have some BAD REVIIIIEEEEWWZZ! I see before me a shell of a user who's "contributions" to this community is worth nothing more than a protozoan's waste. A sniveling, insignificant artist in his own right. This user recently reared his ugly head back in for this special occasion. And that user in question is none other than jjsthekid! Thank you, very much! #BRH bangs his hammer a few more times, irritating everyone in the arena. OMJ: OOOH! BUURRNN! Bring on the pain! Jjs: This is srsly what I'm coming back to? Now that that annoyance is finally out of the way, lets head down to the ring where Referee Elastic- OMJ: Oh yeah, about him...he sorta got kidnapped. Jjs: B-By whom?! OMJ: Team PMS. Jjs: Then who will officiate tonight's featured deathmatch?! OMJ: Don't worry, I just so happen to have found a replacement, and he's a former SBC Court judge too! Jjs: Well, I'm glad to know that you've learn to think things ahead in my absen- OMJ: Jjsthekid! Jjs: What in Neptune's name?! OMJ throws a referee's shirt over jjs' suit and tie. OMJ: We can't keep our audience waiting, Jjs. Lets get it on! OMJ throws Jjs from the broadcast booth all the way down into the deathmatch ring, where Hayden stands by. SOF comes floating down into the ring, disengaging from his parachute. Hayden: Agent Kan, we meet again FOR THE LAST TIME! SOF: not today Brendan okay. Jjs: Alright then, LETS GET IT OVER WITH! Halibut: And Jjs finally stops burning moonlight and gets tonight's deathmatch underway! Bad Reviews Halibut enters the broadcast booth, taking a seat next to OMJ. Halibut: Your eyes and ears are not deceiving you. This episode has just gotten that much better, people! Let the good reviews flow in once this episode goes off the air! OMJ: I can't believe it! It looks like I'm being joined by none other than Deathmatch's own Bade Reviews Halibut! Only here on Deathmatch! SOF tries to make his move, but finds himself immediately stuck to the the ring canvas. Hayden: Agent Kan, you have fallen oh so perfectly into my trap! SOF: Whatchu talking about gayden? Hayden: I anticipated your dynamic arrival by air so I took it upon myself to cover the entire ring in Maddie's Magical Magic! A substance so adhesive, you'd think even Sauce's eyelashes are real! Jjs: Wait, so you covered the entire ring in the stuff? Hayden: Yes, now comes the part where I kick Kan mercilessly. Come here! Hayden finds himself stuck to the ring as well. Jjs: Bah gawd, we're all stuck to the ring! Halibut: Well isn't that just a BAD SITUUUUAAATIIIOONN by a more or less BAD XAT GOOOEEERR! Hayden: Hehe, did not think this through. SOF: you think? Hayden: Can it, Kan! SOF: no you brendan! Hayden: Kan! SOF: Brendan! Hayden: KAN! SOF: BRANDEN! They both proceed to pull their respective feet free from the glue, ripping their shoes off off and pounce at each other, trading blows in midair. OMJ: SOF and Hayden are trading not just verbal but downright pot shots in midair! Halibut: The realism of this so-called lit never seizes to slay me. BAD PUUUUUNNNN absolutely intended! SOF grabs hold of Hayden and puts him in position for a pile driver before they both come crashing back down onto the mat. SOF drives Hayden head first into the glue while also landing on top of the glue ass first, himself. OMJ: Dear Neptune below, what a maneuver! Hayden may be out of it already! Halibut: What a badly executed move by a user who is all in all the excellence of BAD EXXXXEEEECUUUTIONNN! OMJ: You are just a pocketful of sunshine tonight, aren't ya? Halibut: What? You think you hand such fair and just criticism for the sake of it, for the lulz as you may call it? Absolutely not. What I do, I do for the best interests of everybody involved! I point out people's most obvious of flaws and give it right to them in their face ten fold. I'm doing what we all should be doing as users of this community, keyword: community! Helping each other better ourselves. Is there anything BAD IN THHHAAATTT? And don't ever reference that BAD SOOOONNNGGG around me ever again. Jjs tries stretching out his neck to survey the situation in the ring. Hayden stirs around, still alive. Jjs: We're still trying to get it over with! OMJ: And just like that, there's still life in this deathmatch yet! Halibut: We can't get it over with any sooner? SOF pulls himself up to his feet, tearing some of his own ass off in the process. Hayden: Quit making ass of yourself, Agent Kan, and just die already! SOF forcefully picks Hayden up from the ground, ripping some of Hayden's scalp off. Hayden: Ah! I bet you can't even spell your own name right! SOF: I kan spell can okay. Right Jjs? Jjs: *facepalms* Sure, why not. SOF proceeds to power bomb Hayden into the glue repeatedly, causing him to lose more skin and hair with each time he gets bombed onto the glue. Hayden then musters up the strength and counters with a huge DDT, driving SOF face first into the glue. Jjs: Bah gawd almighty! OMJ: SOF has just been driven down face first into the magical magic mat hard! Not to say that SOF didn't do any damage to his opponent either. Halibut: SOF is a fool for getting too foolhardy. It's idiotic, boneheaded, outright BAD MOOOOVVVEEESS like that that completely turns itself around and bites him in the ass later. The sad thing is, he's done this on many occasions. Hayden grabs SOF by the head and yanks him back up, tearing off some of SOF's face. Hayden: No time to save face just yet, Agent Kan! Hayden proceeds to mercilessly xat kick SOF into the corner turnbuckle, each kick connecting to Kan with a loud crack like a whip. OMJ: Is this how Hayden gets his sick kicks?! SOF can't even defend himself! Halibut: Hayden is a user without principles, a Trog, a rogue. This is the kind of attitude you must adopt and adapt to if you are going to survive on xat, especially considering the amount of time Hayden has been on xat. SOF can barely take the heat that burns in the SBC kitchen when shit hits his fan here, what chance does he have against a hardcore xat junkie? OMJ: SOF's handled himself well...sorta well...kinda well...somewhat well in the past. He takes absolute poundings like this in stride, and believe you and me, he's had his fair share of nasty poundings. He likes it, Hal. He likes the burn, he likes the pain! Halibut: Just sounds like more BAD NEEEWWWSSS for him to me. Hayden backs off and away from SOF a bit, giving SOF a bit of a breather. Hayden: Time for you to get the boot. Hayden sizes him up for something, taking out a boot and putting on his right foot. Hayden: This boot to be exact. OMJ: Was that what I think it was?! Halibut: It appears our little junkie friend has acquired himself a new xat power, the Boot. Gives the user's kicks an added oomph behind it. This could be BAD for ole SOFty, Jenk Man! OMJ: I don't give a flying barnacle about the boot, boi! I meant did Hayden just make a SpongeBob reference?! Hayden charges at SOF in the corner looking to drive his boot right in SOF's face, but SOF manages to duck the boot and sweep Hayden down right from under him. OMJ: SOF manages to evade the boot! Halibut: But for how long? SOF plants his foot into Hayden's face and stomps his head in against the glue before picking him up for more punishment, making periodic glances towards Jjs for reassurance. OMJ: SOF is now seeking Jjs' assistance, something he does from time to time in order to have someone proofread his otherwise unreadable stories. Jjs: Yes SOF, that's a stomp. And a punch. And a kick. Now it's straight up rape. I don't know whether to allow it or not. Now that's just ball and rape, something that Elastic would approve of, so I'll allow it! OMJ: SOF showing some shades of his time on the Rusty Train by having his way with his opponent! Halibut: Quite...literally...You said that SOF's had his fair share of gnarly poundings before, but I'm afraid that he's giving all of that back tenfold up Hayden's bum hole! SOF plants Hayden down, setting him up for a SOFt Served, but Hayden sends out some PCs, calling forth three users to the ring, who take SOF down before he could finish Hayden off. Meg: Sup nigga. OMJ: Who in Neptune's name are they?! Srsly, I haven't a fuckin idea here. Halibut: Well Old Man, I'm afraid I've got some BAD REVIIIIEEEWWZZZ in store for you! The young woman you see before you goes by the name of OG Nig Meg and the two gentlemen are who they call Drake Whitenasty and Liam "Not So" Neeson! Hayden's ragtag group of bitches who have the unhealthy tendency to have a very BAD REPUUUTAAATIIIOONNN! OMJ: Jjs surely has his hands full here, folks! Meg, Drake and Liam approach Hayden in the ring and gather around him. Hayden: I'm pleased to see you all answered my call to arms. Now, we can kill Kan! Meg: Nigga pls. OMJ: OH SHE SAID NUMBER ELEVEEEEN! Hayden: Nigga what? Dafuq you say to me, bitch Drake: Man, eat a dick Gayden, we ain't your damn slaves. Hayden: Bitches, I brought you here and I can sure as hell boot both your stank asses back out! Liam! Hayden snaps his fingers. Hayden: Do em. Do all of em! Liam grabs Hayden's fingers, snapping and bending them back, bringing Hayden to his. Liam: I don't know who you think you are. I don't care what you do. I used to have a very particular breed of hamster. A hamster that completed me. A hamster you took away prematurely. I told you that I would find you and I would kill you. Lo and behold, here you are making my job that much easier for me. Meg and Drake surround Hayden as SOF and Jjs simply look on. OMJ: Hayden has gotten himself into quite a pickle here! Hayden: Pickle, that's it! Hayden pulls out a pickle from his pants and waves it around like a wand, sending out another PC and summoning forth yet another one of his batches. A more familiar face this time around. OMJ: Who the- no, NO THAT CAN'T BE?! Halibut: Well, Old Man. I'm afraid I've got some- OMJ: IT'S GOTTA BE THE GREAT AYA! Back from Davy Jones' Locker! Halibut: Or JCM's ask thread. OMJ: That too! Aya: You have summoned back the Great Aya. You may ask of me, one wish. Hayden: I brought you here, so I want you to do all these fuckas in now! No question about it! Aya: So you wish for a slow, painful death? Hayden: Exactly. Aya suddenly grabs Hayden by the legs and takes him for the Ayaro Swing, rotating him around a good buhmillion or so times before sending back crashing down on the glue. Aya, Meg, Drake and Liam each grab Hayden by one of his limbs. SOF joins in, grabbing Hayden by his head. OMJ: What in Neptune's name is going on here!? What in Neptune's name am I even typing at this point?! They each pull and yank hard on the body part they're holding. Hayden screams in pain until all his limbs and heard are torn apart from his body, blood gushing out everywhere. Hayden's torso falls on top of the glue, prompting SOF and the others to drop the parts they're carrying as well. Jjs tries to get in closer to get a better look, but he's still glued to the same spot he's been in since the beginning of the match. Jjs: Well, there's no arguing with that anyway. WINNER, SPONGEODDFAN! SOF tosses his cowboy hat in the air. SOF: yeehaw eh! OMJ: SOF has done it, he's toppled over his arch nemesis and lives to typo another day! Halibut: Surely this is a sign of more BAD THHIIIINNNGGSSS to come! Aya, Meg, Drake and Liam leave the ring and SOF to his celebration when suddenly, Sex and JCM run in and both punch SOF to the ground. Sex: Yo, I told you I'd remind you JCM: That sure felt good. No sarcasm. Hayden's head: Hey, I want a crack at SOF too! Metal Snake: Me too! CNF: You Disney bangin sumbitches get in the back of the line, cuz Clarissa Explains that Classic Nickelodeon Fan is gonna open up a can of bread and whoop SOF's sorry ass! Major Wumbogram: Agent SOF! Good job on completing your mission, but I now have a new assignment for you: keep still while I lock and trash you like yesterday's garbage eh Dogelover: much abuse. so hurt. Major Wumbogram: Nobody invited you here, Doge! They all get in the ring, Aya and Hayden's crew decide to fuck it and join in. PatBack marches out now to feed himself some SOF. Trophy comes out, preparing to make SOF bow to his fists and to shoot him out of his cannon. The users stuck in the limbo that is JCM's thread show up for this grand opportunity. Team Rage with Elastic along for the ride show up as well, waiting in line while in their flight simulators. Why, even Sauce and her captor showed up to get a piece of SOF. Jjs was still stuck in place and could only watch as everyone got ahead of him. Jjs: Hey, I was ripping SOF a new one before it was even cool! Halibut: SOF, I'm afraid I've got some more BAD REVIIIEEEWWZZZ coming your way! OMJ: What the hell? Do you all feel big and mighty teaming up on the poor guy, surely enough he knows he has his flaws but is it really necessary to add more injury to his insult- Halibut leaves the booth and gets in line to SOF. OMJ: Well if you can't beat em, beat SOF. OMJ takes out me mallet of doom and gets in line. OMJ: I'm Old Man Jenkins! Jjs: And I'm jjsthekid! Wishing you a good fight, good night! 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aya♥ Posted May 4, 2014 Share Posted May 4, 2014 another amazing deathmatch 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Jenkins Posted May 17, 2014 Author Share Posted May 17, 2014 For reference, follow this link if you wanna know the backstory on this episode's deathmatch: HereThe following program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein...except maybe the nostalgics... ...Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!Episode 18: When Extremes Meet (in NOSTALGIA-VISION) The episode opens up to a shot of Sauce in a very dark area, at the bottom of what looks to be a hole at best. She's dirtier than she usually is, indicating that she's been stuck down there for quite some time. She looks up at the top of the hole she is in, a dim lightbulb hangs above being her only light source. A figure appears at the top of the hole, obscured by the shadows. The figure appears to be carrying a dog in their arms. Sauce: Help me out of here! Please! The figure lowers a basket down into the hole by a rope. The basket contains what appears to be a tube of glue. Figure: It rubs the glue on its lids, it does this whenever it's told. Sauce: Nooooo please, mister! My pa is a very powerful man, he'll pay you whatever you want. Doubloons, you name it! Figure: It rubs the glue on its lids or else it gets the buffalo burgers agayn. Dog: arf! Figure: Yes it will, girl! It will get the burgers. Sauce: Okay, okay! Anything but the buffalo burgers, please! Sauce proceeds to rub the glue on her eyelids, around her apparently real lashes. Sauce: Mister, please. My pa is a very important person to this community. Well, to some people! He'll freak if he finds out I've been kidnapped, please. I'm trying to save you! Figure: Now it places the glue in the basket. Sauce: Pleeeease! I wanna go back to SoCal, please! Figure: ...It places the glue in the basket- Sauce: Please, I wanna see my pa! I wanna see my paaaa- Figure: PUT THE FUCKIN GLUE IN THE BASKET! Sauce quickly does as she's told and begins screaming for help once the light emanating from the basket allows her to finally notice the corpse of what looks to be her doppelgänger in the hole with her. Sauce: AAAAHHHHHAHHH! Figure: aaaahhhh. AAAAAAHHH. The scene fades to black. Jjs: The liberal spongebob fanboys on the left look to take the fight back to the old guard of the conservative spongebob fanboys on the right! Here tonight, on Community Deathmatch! Jjs: Welcome death fans! OMJ: HUTTAH! Jjs: And welcome to Community Deathmatch! I'm Lemondope! OMJ: And I ain't old! Jjs: Here to call all the heart-pounding, stomach-churning, carpal-tunneling, brick-shitting, shit slinging action here for you tonight! But speaking of old, Jenk Man, tonight marks a very special episode here in Community Deathmatch. OMJ: I really had to dig at the bottom of the barrel and back in time to even bring this conflict back to fruition! Jjs: Yes, Jenks, tonight's deathmatch will take us back in time to a more simple, somewhat more turbulent time. Coming off the heels of the infamous era in SBC history that we like to call, "The Nostalgia Era", it was hot that summer in the Community, and for all the wrong reasons! Fights broke out and debates got heated, the Community was facing attacks from all sides! It was the bitter beginning of a transition period for the Community. OMJ: You got that right, Jjs. Back when the Fantastic Five was lightyears away and the Threesome between Jelly, Clappy and I reigned supreme in the games section! Back when you and I used to be tighter than Calvin Reynold's ass. Hell, back when Calvin Reynolds' sorry ass was even still a major thing in this community! Also back when Steel and Luke had more balls, apparently. Jjs: Tonight's deathmatch will reunite the users on the opposite sides of the SpongeBob fandom spectrum. The pre-movie goers and the post-movie goers! The nostalgics and the optimists! The old guard and the new blood! OMJ: The oldies and the newbies! Jjs: In a way, yes! Debates heated up like no one's business in the Nautical Nonsense section during the infamous Summer of 2011 and nostalgic such as Person and spongebobiscool were on the prowl for some new blood to try and tear them a new one. Person's close, personal friend and SBC veteran, Fa, rose up to the occasion to defend his favorite show's honor against his old friend. Metal Snake came in to even the odds, but the scales tipped when BubbleBud came along to join the fray in favor of the nostalgics. Steel Sponge, a Fry Cook at the time, would raise his voice and make himself heard in favor of the optimists. Tvfan15 would rejoin the community and trash everyone who believed that Club SpongeBob was in fact a terrible episode, in what came as a shock at the time, but soon affirmed his position among the nostalgic ranks. Storytime7, no stranger to controversy and conflict, would also get his two cents, finalizing the optimist front. There were no real winners in this tense post-off. OMJ: Only losers! It is the Internet, after all. Jjs: And if any lesson could be learned from this- OMJ: It'd be calm your fucking tits. It's just a children's cartoon for Neptune's sake! Jjs: But that's where we draw the line in the sand in the deathmatch ring tonight, for there will be a true winner! OMJ: So put on those nostalgia glasses if you want to take in the full joy and splendor that is tonight's featured bout! Jjs: Lets have ourselves a look at the tape to get ourselves better acquainted with tonight's competitors. Bare in mind, some the profile deets will come from Forumotion, itself. Username: tvfan Posts: 173 Doubloons: 7981 Join date: 2010-01-24 Birthday: 1995-06-12 Age: 18 Gender: Male Job/hobbies: Sports, chatting with people, video games, SpongeBob Location: Somewhere you've never heard of. Humor: Lame Username: spongebobiscool Posts: 849 Doubloons: 8107 Join date: 2010-08-16 Birthday: 1995-03-02 Age: 19 Gender: Male Job/hobbies: Video games, TV, sports, computers , etc. Location: USA Humor: Oh yea I'm awesome!!!! Username: person Posts: 245 Doubloons: 7388 Join date: 2010-10-24 Gender Male: Not telling Username: BubbleBud Join Date: November 11, 2011 User Ranking: New Fish in Town Group: Customers Profile Views: 36835 Age: Age Unknown Birthday: Birthday Unknown Gender: Not Telling Interests: Basketball, Vinyl, Discussion, Television, and RPG.Jjs: First up for the nostalgics is tvfan, a valued yet flawed veteran of old! He would have over four years of Community experience and probs more than 173 posts under his belt had he actually returned the last time he made his dramatic return. OMJ: Dramatic in every sense of the word, Jjs. Jjs: He's on the cusp of the tender age of 19, I've been referring to him as a "he" so as you can tell he is a male. OMJ: Except when he runs away like a little girl! Jjs: His hobbies are sports, chatting with people- OMJ: And chewing them out. Jjs: As well as videogames and the little square dude, himself. He hails from somewhere you've never heard of! OMJ: Soooo Buttcrack, Kentucky? Jjs: His brand of humor is Lame. OMJ: I sorta figured as much before the tape even hit the screen, Jjs. Jjs: spongebobiscool has 849 posts and 8107 doubloons to his "cool" name. He's close to the four year mark, as well, and he has turned 19 just recently. OMJ: Very hard to believe. Jjs: He's a male, and his hobbies are videogames, TV, sports, computers, etcetera etcetera! OMJ: All the things a male could possibly in interested in life! Just, ya know, throw some ladies in there. Jjs: He hails from US of A and his humor is "Oh yeah, I'm awesome!!!!" OMJ: spongebobiscool can quite often be SOF-levels of humorous at times, I will give him that much. Jjs: Next up is the one they call, person! OMJ: And judging from this tape, well, it's a person. That's all you really need to know. Jjs: And finally, we have BubbleBud! OMJ: Too lazy to slip in the extra "dy" at the end there, I see. Which in itself tells me all I really need to know about this guy. Jjs: Joining the Community at the very tail end of the conflict about two and a half years ago, he is still considered the new fish in town! He's a customer with 36, 835 profile views, ambiguous age and gender but with interests in basketball, vinyl, discussion, television and RPG. OMJ: And not winning awards! Usermame: Steel Sponge Join Date: January 23, 2010 User Ranking: Choir Boy Group: Hawaiian Tikis Profile Views: 102373 Member Title: (vey) Age: 19 years old Birthday: March 28, 1995 Gender: Male Interests: Stuff Location: Somewhere Username: Metal Snake Join Date: March 7, 2010 User Ranking: Drastical Radical Group: Customers Profile Views: 71410 Age: 17 years old Birthday: May 21, 1996 Gender: Male Interests: None Location: In a Galaxy Far Away Username: Fa Join Date: July 15, 2010 User Ranking: Jellyfisher Group: Customers Profile Views: 20939 Member Title: Fa Age: 19 years old Birthday: April 17, 1995 Gender: Male Location: On Cloud 9 Favorite Episode: Chocolate with Nuts Favorite Character: Patrick Username: Storytime Join Date: August 4, 2010 User Ranking: Good Neighbor Group: Customers Profile Views: 28725 Member Title: Good Noodle Age: 18 years old Birthday: December 30, 1995 Gender: Male Favorite Character: SpongebobJjs: Leading the charge for the optimists is none other than Steel Sponge, hailing from Somewhere! OMJ: Somewhere that we actually know, apparently! Jjs: This Choir Boy has over four years of experience under his belt much like his nostalgic counterpart! He's a mere Hawaiian Tiki grunt, but he's no stranger to higher power or leadership, being a former Fry Cook and Good Noodle leader! OMJ: I would know full well! He and the Noodles absolutely crushed the Krusty Krushers during my leadership over them. Very, very sad looking back at that. Never make me look back at it agayn! Jjs: He has over 100k profile views, he nearly rivals in age with his nostalgic rival and he is interested in Stuff. OMJ: Steel in a nutshell, folks! Jjs: Up next, hailing from a galaxy far away, we have Metal Snake! A Drastical Radical who, much like his teammate Story, is no stranger to tense situations and controversy. OMJ: Traits you will no doubt need when stepping into the deathmatch ring! Jjs: Say, this would be Metal's third consecutive deathmatch! But I thought he was dead, deader than dead in fact since I killed him in JCM's ask thread. OMJ: The thing you need to know about JCM's ask thread, Jjs, is that no one stays in there for long! Jjs: Luke has come a long way, he also has over four years worth of experience, he's a current Customer yet former Good Noodle under Steel and a Karate Chopper! He's at the ripe age of 17 and is already in college and he has no interests whatsoever. OMJ: Cold and hard like metal yet cold-blooded like a snake, I LOVE IT JJIZZLE! Jjs: Next up, On Cloud 9! OMJ: Shit Fa, getting to boy toy the sexy boy, Shawn Michaels. Jjs: His name is what it says on the member title, folks, and with just about four years of forum experience as well, the optimists are looking quite stacked so far! Another former Good Noodle but a Jellyfisher at heart, Fa brings even more of an age factor into this deathmatch. OMJ: And with fan favorites such as Chocolate With These Nuts and Patrick, he sure has himself some support. He's gonna need all the support he can get here tonight! Jjs: Bear in mind, Jenk Man, that the very people he is facing tonight will probably not take too kindly to having someone as stupidly stupid as Patrick Star as a favorite character. OMJ: Fa may as well have painted a big, fat target on his nuts, because nostalgics tend to hit em where it hurts most! Jjs: And last- OMJ: But certainly not least! Jjs: We have Storytime! OMJ: Oh boy! Storytime! Storytime! Storytime! Jjs: Bridging the small gap between the rest of his team's ages at 18 years old! OMJ: Our Storytime has become a man! Jjs: Also, with almost four years of experience and being a former Good Noodle himself, he exemplifies that fact by the tribute in his member title! OMJ: Being a Good Neighbor as well, Jjs, you might be led to believe that Story is what some call a "good boy". Jjs: But don't let the good guy exterior fool you, Jenks, Story can be just as bad if he so chooses. OMJ: A choice he may very well make tonight in the deathmatch ring! Jjs: He's male! OMJ: Despite the ambiguous avatars back in the day, the fact he doesn't even have one now sorta makes it even more ambiguous! Jjs: And his favorite character is Spongebob! OMJ: Another possible red flag for their opponents tonight. Jjs: Something else interesting to note is that every user on this team are former Good Noodles, Steel even being their former leader. Given the Noodles' cohesiveness and dominant history in the past- OMJ: I said don't remind me, Jjs. Jjs: You would think that the ball will be in their court tonight. OMJ: But don't underestimate the will and resolve of the nostalgics, Jjs. They each may come from different walks of life, but they're united by one purpose and one purpose only, and that is to verbally slaughter anyone and everyone who dare defend post-movie episodes! The optimists may have some history behind them, but I think the lack thereof behind the nostalgics could prove to be fatally unpredictable. Jjs: A very nice point to bring up, Jenks. You've really gotten yourself more focused on these deathmatches in my absence. OMJ: Don't get used to it, Jjs. But what you should get used to is our new deathmatch correspondent, Rock Goddess! Jjs: ...Rock...Goddess...? You're fucking joking, right? Rock Goddess: Jjs, OMJ! Tvfan: Hello peasents! Jjs: You're not joking. Why oh why did you have to bring him? OMJ: Hey, don't you hate- him? Rock Goddess: I'm standing by raaaadiantly with- Suddenly, Bob Ball walks into view. Jjs: Bah Neptune, I can't believe it! It's Clappy's long lost cousin, Bob Ball! OMJ: How's that for a Throwback Thursday? Bob Ball suddenly yanks Rock Goddess' blonde weave off her head, revealing "her" to be a "him". Rock Goddess stands there shocked, running his fingers through his actual shaven head as Bob Ball walks back out of the scene. Rock Goddess flees the scene to save face. OMJ: Who the-?! What the-?! Where the-?! How?! Jjs: Well, Rock Goddess, it was nice knowing ya! Now can we get down to the ring, where- The sound of a hammer pounding blares throughout the arena as Bad Reviews Halibut is shown standing by behind his usual podium at ringside. Jjs: Oh great, how could I not forget. Halibut: Excuse me! Excuse me, everybody, may I have some decorum on this forum please! Now I know you all are here to reminisce on what was supposed to be a good time, but I'm afraid I've got some BAD REVIIIIEEEWWWZZ! You nostalgics are blind, immature, afraid of change and never allowing yourselves to grow past the awkward age of diaper days! Whereas, you optimists are just as blind, blind to the fact that something that used to be all that and a bag of potato chips is now just all that...but a bag of potato shits! Both of your collective views are BAD and you should all feel BAD! Thank you, very much! OMJ: It's Bad Reviews Halibut! I LOVE IT, JJIZZLE! Jjs: What the hell was that, he's trying to start his own piss poor movement? Like how tries to start his piss poor forums and his piss poor man's Jeopardy game- OMJ: Jjs. Jjs: What?! OMJ: Save it for the ring. Jjs: Sigh. You're right. Speaking of, lets head down to the ring where returning referee, Dylan- OMJ: Or tvguy, for nostalgia purposes. Jjs: Will be calling tonight's featured bout! Dylan: Alright bitches! I want a good, clean debate! So be respectful of everybody's opinions and, well, do just about anything that I wouldn't do any last arguments for Club Spongebob. Tvfan: This episode SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS! Fa: I liked the concept, but I felt as though the magic conch got annoying by the end. 7.5/10 Story: My friend hates it, but I love it. Fa: My friend loves it, but I hate it. Person pounces on Fa and unloads on him. Person: Can you blame me, Fa? This episode had Hillenburg, the old writers, Spongebob's old voice, the works! Tvfan: And you're supposed to be my teammate?! I have half a mind to kill you along with these mouth breathing urchins right now! I can't. I just, I just can't right now! Tvfan leaves the ring and heads to the back. Jjs: Vintage Tvfan, leaving right after shit hits his fan! Person: But that's not the only reason why I hate seasons 4-7. Most storylines from seasons 4-7 anyway were horrible even if they featured the old voice. Most of them anyway. Some of them were good, and they would have been as good as all the ones from seasons 1-3 if it weren't for the new voice they added! Fa manages to roll Person over on his back and unloads on him now. Can you blame me, Fa? This episode had Hillenburg, the old writers, Spongebob's old voice, the works! But that's not the only reason why I hate seasons 4-7. Most storylines from seasons 4-7 anyway were horrible even if they featured the old voice. Most of them anyway. Some of them were good, and they would have been as good as all the ones from seasons 1-3 if it weren't for the new voice they added!Fa: The whole bolded thing could have been left out. Seriously, we get you hate seasons 4-7, stop making your hate for it so clear, because we got it. And the voice change doesn't bother me at all, seriously it really doesn't. Person headbutts Fa in the face before overtaking him and slamming Fa's face repeatedly into the ring mat. Person: What do you think of Spongebob's voice change after the movie at the start of season 4? Do you like the old voice or the second voice better? I think it was too high pitched and Spongebob became too annoying to even listen to anymore. I just can't stand it. For me, it's just not tolerable. It kind of makes him sound like he is homosexual. This strikes a chord in Fa, who elbows back into Person's ribs before grabbing him by the head and judo throwing him overhead. He places Person in a sleeper hold, looking to choke him out with all his might. Fa: This has gotta be the most offensive thing I ever read on this site in at least a long, long time! OMJ: Somebody obviously hasn't been around much since then. Jjs: And don't let 70s hear that homosexual remark. OMJ: I once lost points with him because of that. Can you imagine, ME losing points with a pathological egotistical liar who wouldn't blink a fuckin eye about killing off family members and making up fake babies! Spongebobiscool breaks up Fa's hold before Person could fade out of consciousness. Spongebobiscool: spongebob isn't funny anymore in the new episodes. Sbiscool says, putting on his hipster shades like a cool guy and kicking the piss out of Fa. Metal Snake slithers on in and constricts around Spongebobiscool. Jjs: Metal Snake slithers on in and locks in his vintage Anaconda Squeeze out of nowhere! Metal: I'm sorry, but could you actually, oh I don't know, have some backbone behind your ''spongebob isn't good anymore'' theory?! That's all I ever hear from you. Spongebobiscool: I'm just saying the truth cuz it is. Hillenburg needs to come back! Beyond irritated, Metal Snake tightens his grip around Spongebobiscool. Spongebobiscool: but if you want me to have some more backbone, prepare to be disappointed! Spongebobiscool proceeds to go limp before contorting his body around in odd, disproportionate motions, stretching and loosening himself free before Metal Snake could perform a death roll on him. Jjs: Dear Neptune below, Spongebobiscool is pop, locking and dropping his body in odd motions like he has no vertebrae in order to free himself from Metal Snake's death grip! OMJ: Look at him, he's got no bones! A very definable trait among most nostalgics, being that, quite frankly, the whole lot of them are spineless after all. Jjs: No real substance to their arguments whatsoever! OMJ: And if that pop, lock and droppin ain't so old that it's cool, then I honestly don't know what is, Jjs! Person: stephen did not write any spongebob episodes except for help wanted. he was just show runner. all the other episodes during seasons 1-3 were written by people like Merriwether Williams, Jay Lender, Walt Dohrn, William Reiss, and Kent Osborne. the only reason those people wrote the episodes were because hillenburg was the show runner. once he resigned after the movie, the writers changed to people who suck at writing the episodes during seasons 4-8! Person surprises Metal Snake with a neckbreaker. Person: so don't give hillenburg the credit for the good episodes before the movie. because he didn't write them. so the only reason we want hillenburg back and the only reason why we say that hillenburg moving back to show runner again will make the episodes good again is because then the old writers will also come back. but since he quit, the writers changed. and also, hillenburg doesn't think the post movie episodes are bad because he reviews them and he would have said something about it if he did think they were bad. and you know why he doesn't think the post movie episodes are bad? because he wasn't the one who wrote the episodes. if the old writers were to review the post movie episodes, they would have thought they were horrible and they would have done something about it. or atleast that's what i think. Jjs: You mean to tell me that you think? Spongebobiscool: Dont forget that stephen used to help the writers too so I give him a lot of credit for that. i don't know if stephen think the post movie episodes are bad , but he should defently come back and the old writers , cuz u want them to come back too if thats the point. OMJ: Why don't you just fuck the guy already? Sbiscool proceeds to curb stomp Luke's head into the ring floor. Metal struggles back up to his knees. Metal: Stephen Hillenburg and the old writers are DONE WITH SPONGEBOB. STOP LIVING IN THE CLOUDS. Jjs: So would that make them Fa's neighbors. OMJ: Clouds 8 and 10 were up for rent last I checked. Sounds like a good basis for a lit tho. An optimist living in between two nostalgics. Shit writes itself. Jjs: That sure sounds like a viewership gold mine. Person: Goddamn it I warned you, I warned you all that I wrote a blog on TV.com that fully explains my thoughts on post-movie Spongebob! Person then proceeds to deck Metal Snake in the dick, grabbing him by the manhood and slams him head first to the ground. OMJ: See what I mean, they hit you where it hurts most. Too bad this was a time where Luke actually had balls to take advantage of. Jjs: Looks like Steel is finally gonna step up now! Steel: Nobody cares about your opinions! Steel proceeds to double dropkick Person and Spongebobiscool in the nuts with his steel toe boot, but it elicits no response from either user. OMJ: Person and Spongebobiscool just took a shot head on to the nuts like it was nothing! Jjs: Nostalgics, mang. No balls, no glory! Person and Spongebobiscool proceed to double team Steel, beating on him. Steel tries fighting back but the two nostalgics don't give him the time of day and they successfully double Chokeslam him onto the downed Metal Snake. Spongebobiscool: The old episodes are way better then the new episodes and is really going downhill , Club SpongeBob,SpongeBob Meets the Strangler,The Camping Episode,I Had an Accident, Frankendoodle which were excellent episodes , i think in the new episodes they should bring back the strangler that threatens spongebob again , i think Spongebob Patrick and Squidward should have another camping and bring back the sea bear so the sea bear will attack Squidward again , i think they should bring back the gorilla so he can mess around with spongebob and etc, i think they should bring back doodlebob back so it can mess around in the bikini bottom and threaten spongebob again , all these old episodes i have just mention , should bring back those old characters back to the new episodes cuz then spongebob will proboly be uphill again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Story enters the fray now and pummels Spongebobiscool with ponies. OMJ: Vintage Story! Story: NO, NO, and NO!!! Why would you want them to ruin the classic episodes? Being too cool for ponies, Spongebobiscool cracks all the ponies in the mouth with some surprisingly well-calculated superkicks courtesy of his loafers. Spongebobiscool: I don't want to recycle the old plots , i just want to make those episodes into part 2 ...... Story: But that'll just ruin the charm of the original episodes since they can't do them justice! Story retorts, clocking Spongebobiscool in the face and breaking his nose. Spongebobiscool: yea but they should cuz the spongebob episodes are really going downhill the episodes aren't that good like season 1-3 so maybe they can give it a try and the old spongebob will be back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spongebobiscool goes to nail Story with a haymaker, but Metal Snake sneaks in under his cardboard box disguise and catches Sbiscool by surprise, planting him face first into the ground with an LKO. OMJ: LKO! LKO! Jjs: Definitely out of absolutely nowhere! Metal: I just don't see that happening spongebobiscool... Spongebobiscool: The writers are just out of thinking............. He kicks Luke's feet right out from under him, causing him to drop to the ring floor as well. They both scurry and struggle to their feet. Metal: No, I think its just difficult to write a Spongebob episode. And please stop spamming periods. Spongebobiscool: no, im not spamming or yelling whats wrong with this.................................................................................... dont u know what that means??????? it means no answer. and you perioded before I did. Sbiscool proceeds to spam Luke into submission by spamming more periods. Jjs: Somebody's on their period, sure seems like. OMJ: All of them. Fa manages to save Luke from the periods and tosses Spongebobiscool in the corner, fucking him up as he does so. Fa: Spongebob has gone downhill, but it's still better than most other animated crap on Nick, even if the episodes aren't as good as in the first 3 seasons (although s7 feels mostly like a return to form so far) Metal: Yeah, long live Spongebob! Story: Same. Spongebob was, is, and always will be my favorite nicktoon! There have been a lot of classics in the past (Rugrats, Rocko's Modern Life, Hey Arnold!, etc.), but there was just always something about Spongebob that made me love this show so much! Steel: Dude, I love the little square dude! Metal: Dude, don't even man, I love you! Steel & Metal: Dude! OMJ: I'd ship Steel and Metal. Jjs: You can say they can build their ship out of themselves. OMJ: Haha! They proceed to hug it out until Person interrupts their little soirée and rams them both to the ground. Story looks to deck Person, but a bubbly hand grabs his wrist before he could take a swing. BubbleBud: Whoa! Don't I get a say in this? BubbleBud clothesline Storytime inside out, point blank. Jjs: BubbleBud has finally shown a sign of life in this deathmatch! OMJ: If only the same could be said about him and visiting the Community irl! BubbleBud: But yeah, new episodes suck. You all suck for not thinking that they suck. BubbleBud goes to help Person out, choosing to deal with Steel while Person deals with Metal. BubbleBud puts Steel in the corner and pulls out a sewing needle. BubbleBud: Now I can get this over with so I can go back to SBM and accept my award. Jjs: BubbleBud looks as if he's going in for the kill on Steel! Oh, I can't watch! OMJ: I can. SOF suddenly runs down to the ring and intercepts the needle by grabbing BubbleBud's arm from behind. SOF: alright guy this is quit enough. Jjs: Look at SOF, inserting himself into yet another situation that he doesn't belong! OMJ: He did buy Steel an extra second or two tho, and probs another Mod for a Day while he was at it. SOF: If you dont lik SpongeBob you should just SOP WATCHING! While BubbleBud is distracted, Steel pulls a jar of steelhorse radish from his pants and pops it open. Jjs: Oh dear Neptune below, steelhorse radish! OMJ: The gnarliest stuff in the community, according to Cha! Steel proceeds to grab BubbleBud's mouth and holds it open while he empties the entire jar down his throat. BubbleBud shakes violently, bleeding from the mouth, eyes, nose, ears and crown of his skull before convulsing over the ring ropes and dropping dead on the arena floor. SOF: you're welcome Tvguy: SOF you bitch, I ain't allowing you into this deathmatch SOF: your beang way out of line, tvguy. Tvguy: nvm I allow it ily SOF: whatever you think is best, tv Jjs: Quite the love/hate relationship those two have. OMJ: They should just shut up and fuck each other angrily already. Tvfan suddenly returns to the ring and pounces into action, pulling Fa off Sbiscool. Jjs: Vintage Tvfan, returning right after leaving right after shit hits his fan. Tvfan and Fa go at it while Metal Snake slithers towards Sbiscool, but Sbiscool activates a trap door in the ring, causing Metal Snake to fall through and plummets down into the darkness below. Jjs: Sbiscool just activated one of his vintage, infamous trapdoors and Metal Snake looks to be out of this one, folks! OMJ: Agayn! Jjs: There's no telling where else he may have rigged these traps at! Tvfan: You know what I couldn't get my mind off of while I was gone? You give Club SpongeBob a 7.5, yet claim you still hate it? Not bad enough, Fa, NOT BAD ENOUGH! Tvfan drives Fa headfirst into the opposite corner turnbuckle before driving him face first onto the ring floor. He rolls Fa over on his back. Tvfan: Jjs: Tvfan sure is killing it tonight OMJ: Killing what? The mellow? Jjs: He's probably gonna leave again right after. Tvfan: Tvfan goes crazy and repeatedly drops elbows into Fa's sternum. Tvfan: That's pretty high praise for a CHILDREN'S COMEDY SHOW, isn't it Fa?! Tvguy: I can't allow this. It's not a children's comedy show. It can be enjoyed by all demographics. If it was a children's show and ONLY a kid's show, they wouldn't reference anal sodomizing, making a female's cleavage larger with an underwire bra, and other adult-themed subjects. Jjs: Of course, only Dylan will be able to make note of all of this. OMJ: Goodbye childhood as I know it. Tvfan: Thank you, tvguy, for your irrelevant opinion, but here's how I see it. Nickelodeon makes sure that everything aired it suitable for a child to see. They will throw in innuendos every once in a while that only adults will get, but it has to be subtle enough so that kids won't understand it. It's like how a show made for women could also be enjoyed by some men, like My Little Pony. You're welcome! SOF: um fucking excuse you. you're welcome. Tvfan: No, you're welcome! SOF: you're welcome. Tvfan: I insist, you're welcome! SOF: you're welcome. Tvfan: I do believe you're quite welcome! SOF: you're welcome. Tvfan: SILENCE. Story punches Tvfan hard in the face. Story: Don't you dare take the name of MLP in vain! Tvfan punches back. Tvfan: Don't you dare not give a valid reason as to why the magic conch is so damn funny! SOF: dude, it is just their opinion. plus, it is just an episode, no need to get all pussy over it. Tvfan: Thank you, SOF, for your irrelevant opinion! SOF: you're welcome. Tvfan: Tvfan runs up and begins to choke SOF out with his bare hands. Tvfan: WELCOME THIS, you bacon grease mountie fuck! Spongebobiscool: u are out of ur mind guy. this episode was great and all of u saying is bad yea right. . Anyways this episode was excellent especially the magic conshell made it real funny with funny squidward abuse. 10/10 Halibut: Hmmm, that smiley. I could make some use of it... Jjs: Vintage Hailbutt, claiming things as his own. Tvfan stops choking SOF and turns back towards Spongebobiscool. Tvfan: Tvfan doesn't even give Sbiscool time to answer as he swiftly punches through Sbiscool's chest cavity, digging and grinding through his innards before pulling out his teammate's still beating heart. OMJ: You have got to be kidding me! That was Temple of Doom shit right there dawg! Jjs: Oh dear Neptune! *holds in vomit* oh god! He just sealed his own teammate's fate! OMJ: A deathmatch first here, folks! Everyone looks on in shock and awe at what Tvfan just did. Steel, Fa, Story, Person, SOF &Tvguy: Awwwwww. Jjs: It said "awe". A-W-E. Steel, Fa, Story, Person, SOF & Tvguy: Oooooohhhh. Jjs: Much better. Tvguy: I'll allow it. Person: What the hell was that man?! Tvfan: Anybody who likes Club Spongebob MUST DIE. Person: Alright like chill out man, it's cool. I hate the magic conch shell. Tvfan: That urchin was just the lowest common denominator. Just because we've already lost two of our own, doesn't mean we are destined to fall, as well. I assure you, these uncultured mouth breathers will join him...very soon. Steel: That's if you don't run and hide with your tail between your legs first. Tvfan: Believe me, this episode unleashes the inner "TV fan" in me. An episode that you just hate so much and you want nothing more than to see it dead and buried in an unmarked and well deserved grave along with anyone who finds it the least bit entertaining in the SLIGHTEST. I know it may just be your "opinions", and I thank you for those irrelevant opinions. Really, I do, for it gives me strength necessary to fight back even harder. And when it's all said and done, you all will be thanking me for opening your blind eyes, ironically whilst each of you slowly and quite painfully fade out of consciousness...for good...And I'll reply to you all, "You're welcome!" Jjs: K we got it, we got it. OMJ: Why don't you just fuck yourself, by all means. Tvfan: The two-letter one is all yours. Leave the Club Spongebob humpers to me. Person: With pleasure. Person charges at Fa, the force of the tackle sending both of them out of the ring and onto the floor as Steel and Story surround Tvfan. Steel and Story charge at Tvfan at the same, both looking to connect a simultaneous clothesline on him, but Tvfan simply cartwheels off to the side, leaving Steel and Story to collide head on, clotheslining each other to the ground hard. Jjs: Steel and Story crashing and burning! OMJ: Harder than any of Steel's spinoffs! Tvfan: Do you see where liking this abomination of an episode has gotten you. Down on the ground, at my feet as per usual. Tvfan pretends to be holding a magic conch shell in his hand. Tvfan: Say, Magic Conch. Who should I kill first, Steely or Story? He pulls the imaginary string. Tvfan: Mhm, what is that? I should just kill both of them? Right here and now? Oh magic conch, you're just TOO FUNNY! Tvfan proceeds to take turns between elbowing both of them in the ribs repeatedly. Jjs: Tvfan showing absolutely no mercy to the Club Spongebob fanatics! OMJ: I would sorta hate to see what he does to the people who actually likes the episode that he likes. Outside the ring, Fa and Person engage each other in mortal combat. They fight around the ringside area, the guests in the audience tossing weapons at them to use to bludgeon each other to death. Person and Fa trade shots using a giant club and spatula as weapons. Person: i wish it had been in the opposite direction where the new writers were the old writers and wrote the episodes before the movie so the show would have started out bad. But then the old writers would have been the new writers who came into the show after hillenburg resigned. Person clubs Fa. Fa: ENOUGH with your voicing about how the old writers have to come back! Fa spats Person. Person: Then the quality of the episodes would have been still been awesome to this day and i wouldn't mind how long spongebob went before it got cancelled. Person clubs Fa. Fa: Your not going to bring them back with emails, letters, pleas, sexual favors and you want to know why? Because their done with it, they've moved on to other projects and shows, their lives don't revolve around Spongebob! Fa spats Person. Person: And then the good episodes would have outweighed the old episodes. Person clubs Fa. Fa: I mean Hillenburg worked on RML before SB was even concieved of, and I'm sure a whole lot people wanted him and Joe Murray to come back and do RML. But they didn't, because they had moved on and made other shows and created other projects, and this is the same thing here! Fa spats Person. Person: It would have been seasons 1-3 are bad, and seasons 4-8 are good. but it didn't happen that way. IT DIDNT HAPPEN THAT WAY! Persons clubs Fa three times. Fa: The reason you likely can't move on is because you think that SH and the old writers were perfecto, and your too biased to even really try the later seasons. If you don't like the show, SB's voice, or anything else nitpicky enough for you to whine about DON'T WATCH IT! Fa goes to spat Person, but Person manages to block it and clubs away at Fa some more, even knocking Fa a few feet away. Fa gets down on his knees Fa: But there are people here who DO like the show, and want to give the new writers a shot, and we don't want anybody ruining it like you, or Spongebobiscool or Tvfan are doing. And if you can't hold your opinions in...then I highly suggest you hightail it outta here... Person: Nah Fa...naahh. I'm the real fan here...I AM THE ONE. ME! If anyone should hightail it outta here, it's youuuuuuu!!!! Person charges at Fa with his club, Fa raises his spatula to defend himself, but as Person was just a few inches away, the floor beneath him gave way. Jjs: Bah gawd almighty! Person just activated one of Spongebobiscool's trap doors! As Person fell into the abyss below him, Fa took notice and lunged out, grabbing hold of Person's hand before it was too late. Person: What are you doing? You've won...it's over! Fa: What happened to us, Person? We're real life friends, you and I. Why are we letting something this site, this show, something this trivial drive a wedge between us? Person: Well, ya know, the show does kinda suck. Fa: Look, I'm willing to put this all behind us, for the better. I mean, these are our real lives we're talking about here. Why put those at risk? I can even admit that the show has it's up and downs but are we really gonna let our friendship, our lives, end like this, after everything we've been through in life, all for the enjoyment of people on the Internet? Fa musters up the strength and pulls Person up from the abyss. Person: ... =| Fa: Person: The two friends embrace each other and hug it out. OMJ: Y'all are gay. Jjs: Careful, Jenks, 70s might be listening. Person: yes Person pulls Fa in and throws him into the trap door. OMJ: Heel-Face-Heel Turn! Heel-Face-Heel Turn! Fa turns back around before he could fully fall in, grabs Person by the arm again and pulls him Person back down with him. Fa: See you at your house for dinner Sunday night! And with that, Fa and Person plummeted down into the abyss below, the trap door slamming shut on them. Jjs: I can't believe what I just witnessed here, folks! Two friends fight, making up and then turning on each other at the very bitter end! OMJ: Only here on SBC! Jjs: Meanwhile back in the ring, Tvfan is still having his way with both Steel and Story. Tvfan is choking Steel out in the middle of the ring while Story is too beaten and battle damaged to do anything. Tvfan: Come on, come on! Laugh! Laugh! Should you go slowly or swiftly?! Choose! Steel: N...Neither! Tvfan: Story: You know, I happen to think this episode is severely underrated. It was also funny how much they were actually prasing the magic conch. Pretty much almost every episode from season 3 is amazing in my eyes. Tvfan: SILENCE. At least, unlike you ignoranuses, I have my reasons to dislike the godforsaken thing! Steel: Ignoranuses, hehe. How long did it take you to brainstorm...that one while you were gone? Tvfan: When I leave, at least I COME BACK! After tonight, I'm not sure I can say the same about you tho. Such a pity. Tvfan lifts his boot, looking to bring it down on Steel's throat. Tvfan: All hail the magic conch...WOLULULULUL Story: Seriously, SHUT UP. Nobody cares if you hate the episode, and stop harassing everybody who likes it and demanding reasons why it's good! Tvfan brings his foot down, but gets interrupted as a dragon of some sort erupts from underneath the ring, knocking everyone to the side. Metal: You're not the only one that can come back! OMJ: YOU HAVE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! THAT CAN'T BE?! Jjs: I think it is! That's right folks, Metal Snake is back in this deathmatch, as the CloudMistDragon! OMJ: It's been a while since we last saw him! Then again, it just doesn't click the way Metal Snake does. Metal: I love you so much. Story: Dude, don't even! I'm the one who loves you! Metal: Dude?! Story: Dude! The CloudMistDragon gives Tvfan a taste of his own medicine and flames him before hugging it out with Story. OMJ: I'd ship Metal and Story. Jjs: Choose a fucking ship and stick with it, Jenk Man. Steel: Dudes! Metal & Story: Dude!! All three hug it out. SOF: ahem. Steel: Hey, where's Fa? Tvfan suddenly lunges at them, charred and absolutely burned. OMJ: Ooohhh. The three remaining optimists ready themselves for a final battle, but Tvfan stands down. Tvfan: Wow...I-I'm really just in shock...and it's not just the life threatening injuries speaking...well, may-maybe it is...but wow. Thank you to everyone who just called me out. I deserve to be told to shut the fuck up, I deserved to get burned like I did, I deserve to be banned for this whole thing. In fact, great mods above, please punish me. Take my posting privelages away for a month or something... Jjs: Vintage Tvfan. OMJ: Agayn. Tvfan: I dunno what got into me. I believe that in general I can take opinions well. Good Neighbors, my most disliked episode's thread is filled with comments calling it very underrated. While I posted why I disliked it, I never bashed other for it. I just, sigh, I don't even know what got into me. I just couldn't get why people liked it, and genuinely thought that people only liked it more nostalgic purposes. While still think they were great, I think I've had an underlined distain for the older episodes since post-movie began, maybe just because it saddened me how downhill the show got. Therefore when I see pre-movie episode that gets praised while I think it's mediocre, I get frusturated. I litterally think six years of hearing everyone act like the pre-movie episodes were perfect while post-movie was sub-par at best came out here. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else, but it does to me. OMJ: I'm afraid he lost back when the deathmatch first began, Jjs. Tvfan: I apologize so much. I don't know what got into me. I'm very ashamed. Any reputaion I had prior to this, if there was any OMJ: Yeeeeaaaa- no. Tvfan: is now gone, I'm gonna be put into the same group as trolls who only join SpongeBob forums to hate on the show. Ban me...please. That is the proper punishment for immature, unable to accept opinions noobs like me! I hang my head in shame OMJ: Nana! Nana! Nana! Nana! Nana! Nana! Nana! Nana- Jjs: *slaps OMJ* You're ruining the moment. Tvfan: and will like never be able to show my face on this website again. OMJ: Which he never did. Jjs: ...True dat, Jenkins. True dat. OMJ: I'd just do what he says, guys. Go ahead, get it over with already. SOF: wow... dude everyone has their opinion. Tvfan: Thank you for your irrelevan- er. That's what I'm saying! The way I acted, critcizing everyone's opinions, was awful. Seriously guys, ban me. I feel really bad right now and being punished is probably the one way I'll get over it! OMJ: Alright, give em light spanking on his charred ass and he'd be finished already. Tvfan: Clearly this is the end for me on this community...officially. It spanned from TV.com to the SBC. August 18th, 2005 to August 26th, 2011. Six years of, well, noobishness basically. OMJ: You'll be missed. The door's where Luke flew out from. Tvfan: So yup, I fully endorse my banning from this website for what I did. Either way I'm too ashamed to show my face here again. Goodbye, thanks for the smoothies. Tvfan approaches the trap door hole that Metal bursted out from. Metal: Goodbye Tvfan. Tvguy: It's makes you seem MORE immature to kill yourself over it, but whatever. Jjs: Says the guy who threatened to kill himself on the xat. Tvfan: Great, I knew it, I just knew this would even make it worse! OMJ: So is he coming back again, or... Steel: Meh, bye fan of TV. Tvfan: I made a mistake. I acted like a complete jerk. But it won't happen again. OMJ: I'll take that as a yes. Tvfan: I'd just like to express that what I posted does not reflect me now. I'm a good Tvfan now, my heart has grown three sizes today! Probably because of the inflammation, but who gives a barnacle, I'm living for today! Can we just try to forget what happened? Jjs: I can't believe it, Jenks. OMJ: This is surely a deathmatch first we are witnessing, folks! Jjs: Tvfan is begging for forgiveness in order to save his own skin. Tvfan: And on that note, I watched some season 8 lately and it turned out to be really- Story pushes Tvfan down into the trapdoor. Story: No. Tvfan plummets down below, meeting his permanent at the bottom of the bikini bottomless pit. Tvguy surveys the situation. Tvguy: Winners, THE BITCHES! Steel, Metal and Story celebrate their victory in the ring by beating SOF around a bit. Jjs: What a anti-climactic ending to what was surely a climactic deathmatch! OMJ: Hopefully now, users will look back on at least part of the summer of 2011 with open minds and a good laugh. Jjs: And with that beautifully said, Jenkins, we here at Community Deathmatch would like to wish a Good Fight- PatBack's theme suddenly hits the turntable and he comes marching out. Jjs: It can't be! OMJ: It is, Jjs! It's PatBack, back in form here in the Deathmatch Arena! PatBack: FEED. ME. MORE. FEED ME MORE! FEED ME MOOOOOORE! Jjs: He's still a thing here? OMJ: Unfortunately. Jjs: Well, he at least helped me kill CF. He can't be that bad. PatBack: WAKE UP! OMJ: Jjs, you don't even know the half of it. PatBack steps into the ring with the optimists. SOF and Tvguy scatter from the ring and head to the back. PatBack: You fuckin faggots wanna debate about some gay yellow square? Well then discuss it with someone who will actually put up a good debate! And trust me, SBM couldn't survive what I brought to the table. In fact, they were meat on my table! That's what you are! Steel: Here me out here when I say- Steel quickly pounces at PatBack goes right for his opening argument, throwing some well-calculated Steel Toe Kicks to PatBack's head. Jjs: Steel, accepting PatBack's challenge and cutting right to the chase! PatBack catches one of Steel's kicks, hoists him up into the air and proceeds to slam him into the mat multiple times. OMJ: And PatBack, cutting off Steel cutting to the chase with authority! Storytime runs in to intervene, but PatBack throws Steel into him and sending them both flying into the corner. PatBack comes face to face with Metal Snake and smacks himself in the head to get himself psyched up. PatBack: FEED ME MORON! Metal Snake proceeds to flame PatBack at point blank range, engulfing him in fire. Jjs: Bah gawd, did Metal Snake actually do it?! PatBack suddenly charges out of the flames, unscathed, and levels Metal Snake inside out with a huge Meat Hook Clothesline. Jjs: Well that sure answered that. PatBack: FINISH IT! PatBack picks Metal Snake's limp body up and shoves his fist into the cloudmistdragon's mouth before yanking it back out, pulling out the dragon's skull. PatBack slams Metal Snake's lifeless body down to the ground before destroying his skull with his patented Skull Squisher. OMJ: OH MY NEPTUUUUUNE! Jjs: He just made short work of the CloudMistDragon and now he's shifting his focus back towards the remaining two optimists! PatBack readies his next attack, but Dylan comes back out accompanied by SOF and a battalion of Captcha guards. Dylan: Stop this deathmatch! I said STOP this deathmatch! OMJ: It's Dylan, SOF and Captcha! Thank Neptune for Dylan, SOF and Captcha! Something I never thought I'd be saying about either of those three things ever. CNF walks out and stands alongside Dylan now as Captcha surrounds PatBack in the ring. Dylan: As the new director in chief of Community Deathmatch, I order you to cease and desist, BitchBack. You have been terrorizing this show and this community long enough, and with as many strikes as you have against you, I feel that it is my first official administrative duty here on deathmatch to hereby suspend you from Community Deathmatch! PatBack simply smiles in the ring as Captcha close in around him. Dylan: Any attempt to challenge my decision will be met with your immediate banning. So if you value what's left of your life here, then I suggest you kindly get out my ring and escort yourself out of my arena while you're at it PatBack submits to the Captcha forces without resistance. They proceed to lock him up and escort him out of the ring. Dylan: I'm sorry bitches, but I'm afraid we're all out of time. On behalf of all of us here at Community Deathmatch Dylan says, motioning towards himself, SOF and CNF. Dylan: We would like to wish you all Good Fight, Good Night! SpoilerThe camera cuts to somewhere backstage. Bob Ball approaches the Staff Lounge and knocks the door. Dylan: Just one second Bob Ball lets himself to see Dylan struggling out of a Gaga-esque swan suit. Dylan: Dafuq bitch! Bob Ball: What? I gave you a second. Dylan: I hope you removed that thing I ordered to lay off. Bob Ball: You'll see it when the episode airs tonight. Bob Ball says, removing what seems to be a mask and revealing himself to be the Lurker. Dylan: Music to my ears. Lurker: So that sounded like Lady Gaga to you? Dylan: Of course! What else could it possibly be, Ke$ha? Bitch, I ain't suitelife or Queen Malie. Lurker: You sure act like a queen, alright. Dylan: Oh, enough with the compliments please! Another knock is heard at the door. Dylan: Whats the safe word?! Jjs: Bitch Dylan: Access granted. Jjs: You, uh...called for me, uhhhh...boss? Dylan: I need you to assemble yourself a team Jjs. You've proven capable of this before, and I'd like to think you can do this again! Jjs: A team? For what, sir? Dylan: Ohhhh, just a little...rescue mission. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sauce Mama Posted May 17, 2014 Share Posted May 17, 2014 Bravo, Jenks.....bravo. *claps* 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clappy Posted May 17, 2014 Share Posted May 17, 2014 Well thanks for making me nostalgic with all these names from yesteryear. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crushingmayhem Posted May 18, 2014 Share Posted May 18, 2014 Great job man. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Jenkins Posted May 24, 2014 Author Share Posted May 24, 2014 Here's a lil prologue I whipped up for the upcoming season finale of Community Deathmatch. The scene opens up to static followed by a shot of inside Team Rage's clubhouse. Referee Elastic Dog is stripped down to his underwear, glued to a chair in the middle of a dark room. ACS, Darris and Felix carries him over to a movie screen and sits him in front of it. ACS takes out his camcorder and begins to play a video of one of his 9/11 re-enactments on the screen. Elastic: God damn you, you fat fucks! Not this again! ACS: Do you see now? Elastic: Yes, unlike you, the fat of my lids don't obscure my vision! I see! ACS: This is the North Tower in fine form, do you see? Elastic: Yes. ACS: This is the South Tower in fine form, do you see? Elastic: Yes. ACS: This is the Pentagon in pristine form, do you se- Elastic: Yes. ACS plays the videos of his flight simulators crashing into the North and South Towers. ACS: This is the North and South Towers reborn, do you see? Elastic: Yes! Now his flight simulators crash into the Pentagon. ACS: This is the Pentagon reborn, do you see? Elastic: I laugh at realer snuff than this! ACS: Why do you spout out lies, about me and my brothas, huh?! We at the IAVA don't take kindly to your insults and your slander, Dog! You and your petty lil pals like to gang up on us, but once we get one of you isolated, you're not so hot shit now are ya, huh?! We try to make peace, strike your little deals and and your lousy treaties but you bullies can just never let things die! The IAVA, we let things die. We're more than willing to let you die. Elastic: I may be scared to death of Oscar Proud, but I can assure you a bunch of Pillspussy Doughboys don't even come close. ACS: We are big enough- Elastic: Ha! ACS: As I was saying, we're big enough to admit that we can be a bit doughy, but luckily for you, we're not a bunch of pussies...we're dicks! Hahaha! He's all your's brotha. Team Rage back up into the shadows as another user wearing a Payday mask approaches Elastic's chair from behind. The screen shows a reality image of AcidicDragon. ???: This is me in human form. Do you see? Elastic: Crushing, is that you from 10 years ago? ???: This is me, changing. Do you see? Elastic tries to hold back some of his vomit. ???: This is me...reborn. Do you see? Elastic: I won't allow it! I won't allow it! ???: I am The Dragon, yet you call me insane. You are privy to a great becoming, and you recognize nothing. You are an ant in the afterbirth, it is in your nature, as a dog, to do one thing correctly. Before me, you rightly cower with your tail between your legs. But fear is not what you or everyone else owes me, ref...you all owe me awe. Elastic: Awww. Darris: Awe! As in A-W-E. ACS: RIP English. The user takes off his payday mask and lunges at Elastic as ACS' camcorder fades to black.Community Deathmatch Two-Part Season Finale, Turning the Table & Zero Darkstar Thirty... COMING SOON TO THEATERS 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Jenkins Posted May 28, 2014 Author Share Posted May 28, 2014 Decided to write a bonus ep this morning since I was bored and had nothing better to do and probs will take a while on the actual finale.The following program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is entire coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein...except maybe Patchy... ...Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!Episode 19: CNF Patches Up with the Phantom Thienqui vs Jjs: CNF will arrive, watch Nicktoons and then leave as he takes on Thien...Thi...Thienqu...Thhhhat guy! Here tonight, on Community Deathmatch! Jjs: Welcome death fans! OMJ: HUTTAH! Jjs: And we welcome you to yet another butt-pounding, stomach churning, brick shitting, spin-offing installment of Community Deathmatch! As always, I am jjsthekid! OMJ: And as always, I'm old! Jjs: And joining us on this somewhat special edition of deathmatch is none other than the star of two spinoff flops, the president of the Spongebob SquarePants Fan Club and the #1 fan of the little square dude himself- OMJ: Patchy the butt Pirate! Patchy: Ahoy kids! Now time for ye to walk me plank! Jjs: Well that escalated quickly. Patchy: Apologies, me boyos! It's just when I be performin' fer the kids, I can't just can't hold it in. OMJ: Hold what in, Patchy? Patchy: Me bowsprit Jjs: O...K...call in the regular police. Patchy: But enough about dear, ole Patchy! Tell the kids all watchin at home a lil bit bout yeself, Jjs! OMJ: Well, I was born in a magical place with magical charms- Patchy: ARRRR! Too old! OMJ: See Jjs, even Patchy thinks I'm old. =( Patchy: What about you, jjsthekid ar? Ye look like ye makes me cut off! Jjs: Lets just have ourselves a look at your interviews with tonight's contestants earlier. The scene cuts to Patchy backstage with a microphone in hook. Patchy: Ahoy kids! It's just me, ole Patchy the Butt Pirate! Standing by with one half of tonight's featured bout and me first mate, Classic Nickelodeon Fan! CNF: WHAT? You don't watch Spongebob?! WHAT? What in Neptune's name do you mean first mate, you closeted-Hanna Barbera watching, Michael Jackson sumbitch! Patchy: Shhh! Don't tell Jjs, I told him he would be me first CNF: Just ask me the question so that I can go disassemble Thienqui's silver monkey! Patchy: Aye lad! Tonight, ye be steppin' into the deathmatch ring against a mysterious someone not so well known and seemingly not so coherent. Yer thoughts headin into this potentially unpredictable match up? CNF: WHAT? Unpredictable?! WHAT? You not being officially registered would be damn near unpredictable! I tell you this much about Thienqui, and that is he will never write a better goddamn Patchy talk show than Classic Nick! Classic Nick symbolizes all that's damn good and you can bet your bottom doubloon that I live up to that name! Now don't you go finger yourself with that hook there, son, before Classic Nick opens a can of nostalgia on your sorry as- Suddenly, a figure dressed in all black comes into view. Patchy: Oooohhhh pequeño! And I just got outta the shower! Thienqui: sorry vintage but i am making new one come and see me. CNF: Look son, you're taking up Classic Nick's airtime, so you better get stepping or Classic Nick will sure as Heck open up can of nostalgia on your ass right now! Thienqui: the new one is the one ontop read it plz Thienqui suddenly turns into a puddle of some black slimy substance, shifting its way back out of the shot. Patchy: I don't know about ye but I have the weirdest jackstaff right now. CNF: You're the weirdest jackstaff right now! Jjs: Things are obviously getting heating and brewing at the seams- Patchy: Ye can say that again! Jjs: All boiling up to what could be a deathmatch to write home to, folks! OMJ: Quite literally, in my case, Jjs! Jjs: Now how's about we finally have ourselves a look at the tale of the tape for tonight! Patchy: As long as I don't get to operate it. Getting me hook on kids is one thing but getting me hook on technology is a whole different ball game. Classic Nickelodeon Fan Join Date: September 7, 2011 User Rank: Mild One Group: Enchanted Tikis Active Posts: 4941 Profile Views: 217731 Member Title: #ThisIsIt! Age: 15 years old Birthday: May 20, 1999 Gender: Not Telling Location: Nickelodeon City,U.S.A. Favorite Episode: Le Big Switch Favorite Character: SpongeBob Thienqui Join Date: January 5, 2013 User Rank: New Fish in Town Group: Customers Active Posts: 24 Profile Views: 9452 Age: Age Unknown Birthday: Birthday Unknown Gender: Not TellingJjs: Appropriately hailing from Nickelodeon City, US of A! CNF enters this deathmatch almost a year and half's worth of community experience over his opponent! OMJ: He's currently a member of the winning Enchanted Tikis like moi, but lets not forget his past history as a Good Noodle, Spy Buddy and as a Loyal Customer! Jjs: All very instrumental credentials to bring into any deathmatch of the Spongebob Community sort! OMJ: Lets not forget he was also a Spin-off Hall of Famer! Jjs: And lets not also forget his Most Well-Written Spinny Award for his hit, "The Killer Krab"! OMJ: Patchy: He be a Mild One, I do like me the mild ones! Although the mild ones do tend to really not put up a fight, I should know, so that could very well prove to be just as detrimental to him! OMJ: Look Jjs, active posts are back! Jjs: And they're better than ever with CNF damn near eclipsing his opponent in that department! OMJ: #ThisIsIt! Jjs! Sorta ties back in with the whole MJ thing earlier. Jjs: And with over 200k profile views, how could it not?! Patchy: He be 15 years young! Just ripe for the pickin! Jjs: His favorite episode is Le Big Switch and his favorite character is none other than SpongeBob SquarePants! Patchy: Arr, we be havin more in common than I could ever imagine! Potty the Butt Parrot suddenly flies into the commentary booth. Potty: RAH! What about me?! Patchy: POTTYYY! I told ye I filed fer separation! Jjs: Next up, we have Thienqui! The New Fish in Town despite being here for almost a year and a half, himself! A customer- Patchy: Or as I like to say, the Krustomer! Potty: RAH! That's what I called you the first time you walked into the Bird's Nest! OMJ: Hey Jjs, you know how much posts he got under his belt? 24! Patchy: Jenkins, ye know what is even kinkier? Pfft! 69! Potty: RAH! You would know! Patchy: POTTYYY! Don't ye be bringin our sex life into this! Jjs: He ain't telling what it's gender is and his age and birthday are, as of now, unknown. Patchy: A cryin shame. Potty: RAH! Says the guy who cries his way through jerkin off to SpongeBob! Patchy: Ye be tryin to masturbate with a hook for a hand, ye mangy bird! Jjs: Lets just head down to the ring with special referee, SpongeOddFan! SOF: alright you two, i want a goo, clean fight! Patchy: Goo? I be likin the cut of this guy's jib! SOF: any last requests? CNF: CNF:1 says I'm gonna watch your Nicktoons! Thienqui: that fan will deserve it I wrote patchy hour first and he try to write one too to me he has to die but there were witnesses so i will silence them. OMJ: Well that escalated quickly. SOF looked up towards Jjs for some assistance. Jjs: Yes, now you start the match! No, please to almighty Neptune NO, don't come up with your own line! SOF: lets get down and and dirty! heh. Patchy: I really like the cut of this guy's jib! Jjs: Remind yourself to book me in a deathmatch with him, Jenk Man. OMJ: Reminding. CNF immediately gives Thienqui a one finger salute your shorts before clothes lining him down to the mat! OMJ: So Patchy, how's it like having two kids fighting to the death over you? Patchy: It feels pretty good, usually I'm the one fighting over kids. Potty: RAH! I still want one! Patchy: POTTYYY! How many times do I have to tell you that ye aren't fertile! Potty: RAH! You're just afraid of a lil commitment in your life! Patchy: What do ye think I'm here fer, Potty?! I'm sampling this community's fine wares to adopt and raise as our own! Potty: RAH! You shouldn't have! Jjs: Wait, so you're not here to... Patchy: To what- OH, DEAR NEPTUNE NO! What in the barnacle gave ye that idea?! OMJ: Everything. CNF stomps on him a little, smashing Thienqui's slimy body at the seems until he laid in a puddle of his own black blood, motionless. OMJ: Dafuq, was that it? Jjs: Dear Neptune, I've never seen a more curb stomp battle here in all my time providing play-by-play here on Community Deathmatch! Thienqui seems to be out of it, folks. SOF surveys the damage, then looks back up to Jjs for more assistance. Jjs: Yes, you can call it a match. Imbecile. SOF raises CNF's hand. SOF: WINNER- The black blood suddenly receded back into Thienqui's body. Thienqui oozes his hand into the form of a knife and stabs CNF in the eye with it. Jjs: Bah gawd! Thien is still alive! OMJ: Only here on deathmatch, folks! Thienqui twists and turns the knife around in CNF's eye sockets, causing him great pain. Thienqui: lets see you watch 90s dick the same way agaian! Thienqui gouges CNF's eye right out of it's socket, his blood squirting everywhere. Thienqui then puts CNF's eyeball in his mouth and swallow it whole. OMJ: Did he just fuckin ate dat eyeball? I think he just fuckin ate dat eyeball. Jjs: Yes, Jenkins, he fuckin ate dat eyeball. OMJ: Good, my eyesight ain't as old and withered as I thought, Patchy: Arr, An eye injury like that could very well cost CNF this match, I should know. And it would give us something even more in common! OMJ: Just why do you wear an eyepatch, Patchy? What's the story on dat? Patchy: A very long and complicated one, believe you and me, Jenk Man. Potty: RAH! I shot a misfire! Patchy: POTTYYY! Thienqui sizes CNF as he slowly staggers around on the ground in pain. CNF: Ahhhh! You dumb, stupid, butt ugly martian sumbitch! That was my Nicktoons watchin eye! Thienqui: now admit it! CNF: Admit what? That your sorry Disney watching ass can write a better Patchy talk show then me?! Thienqui: no, that YOU aer a sory Disnye watching ass! Jjs: What the barnacle?! It can't be! OMJ: Thienqui has just laid down what could be a bombshell both figuratively and literally about Classic Nickelodeon Fan! CNF: On what fuckin grounds?! Thienqui: that you write micky mose adentures! Jjs: Geez Louise does this guy make SOF seem like he could win a tri-state spelling bee. OMJ: Geez Louise, I didn't think anybody actually read that lit! CNF: ...You dumb, butt ugly sumbitch... CNF gets up to open up another can of nostalgia, but Thienqui stops him in his tracks. Thienqui: UH UH UH! not a other step vintage! OMJ: Vintage? Hey everybody, Kevin's back! Thienqui snaps his fingers to unveil CDCB dangling precariously above a pit of piping hot green slime. CDCB: Nicky! Heeelllppp! Jjs: Dear Neptune below! He's got CNF's best friend- OMJ: With benefits! Jjs: CDCB hanging by a thread of rope above a pit of scalding green slime- Wait, he always does that. CNF: CD! Thienqui, you fiendish phantom fiend! Thienqui oozes his hand into the form of a pistol and aims at the thread hoisting CD. Thienqui: not a stop closer! you kno wwhat to do! CNF: You wanna know the truth?! Fine, I did write Mickey Mouse Adventures! And you know what else?! Patchy puts his hands around Potty's head. Patchy: POTTYYY! Cover yer ears! CNF: I watch classic Disney! Jjs & OMJ: GASP! Patchy: ARRR! Potty shits an egg. Potty: RAH! And ye said I wasn't fertile! Patchy: Arrr... Thienqui: now you can doe with a litle prude. Thienqui aims his pistol at CNF. CNF: You rat bastard, the truth shall set CD free! CNF gives Thienqui another one finger salute your shorts, flabbergasting Thien once again. He takes advantage of his flabbergasted state by grabbing his pistol and shoving it off to the side, causing Thien to waste a bullet, before taking him down and discombobulating his neck with a Slime Time Slimer. OMJ: Slime Time Slimer out of nowhere! Jjs: NICK TOONS! NICK TOONS! NICK TOONS! CNF grabs Thienqui's limp body, carries it over head towards the pit of slime and throws him on in there. Thienqui: No its not just workin on new project! NOOOO!! The Phantom Thienqui slowly melts and dissolves into the green slime until there was no trace of him. SOF takes a closer look at the scene. SOF: ummm. He raises CNF's arm in victory. SOF: WINNER! CNF!! Patchy: By Neptune, the boy's done it, Potty! Potty: RAH! Just how we raised em! Jjs: CNF has overcome the adversity and has silenced Thienqu...Thien...That guy for good! CNF pulls CD back down to safety and cradles him in his arms. CD: Nicky! Me hero! CD proceeds to give CNF a big, wet, sloppy VHS tape. CNF: How's about you and I head back to the xat an, uh, watch some "Playhouse Disney" tapes. For old times sakes. CDCB: Of course, Nick. CNF carries CD off into the xatset and they enter their own PC. OMJ: So what, are we just not gonna address what happened between him, SOF and Dylan during the last episode? That was some pretty heavy shit. Jjs: Are you sure we haven't already, Jenk Man? OMJ: ...Give me til next time to think about that. Jjs: Well folks, I'm afraid we are all out time for one evening. I'm jjsthekid! OMJ: And I'm too old for Patchy! Patchy & Potty: And we're gonna try for another! Jjs: Saying Good Fight, Good Night! Patchy: Aye lad, a very good night. Potty: RAH! For a very good fight! OMJ: Ew. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crushingmayhem Posted May 28, 2014 Share Posted May 28, 2014 Great episode man, it was funny like always. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Jenkins Posted June 5, 2014 Author Share Posted June 5, 2014 The following program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein...except maybe Big Muthafuckin' D... ...Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!Episode 20 (Part One of Three): The Whitest Kids U Know The episode opens up to a shot of the staff lounge at the Deathmatch Arena. Dylan sat behind his desk with CNF standing alongside him. CNF: Abso-fucking-tively posi-fucking-lutely it'll all work out in the end, you slime time watching sumbitch. Dylan: Really? You think ssj and I still have a chance? CNF: CNF:1 says I was talking about your goddamn fucking rescue mission, not your goddamn Nicktoon forum fantasies! Dylan: Ssj and I would both be big players in SBU, alright Jjs walks into the office, unannounced. Jjs: Permission to enter, sir? Dylan: Well, your bitch ass is already inside. Jjs: I think I have my team all narrowed down. Dylan: Well lay it on me. Detective BrOMJ enters the office now. OMJ: Permission to enter, admiral? Dylan: *sigh* Proceed... OMJ: I couldn't help but be made aware that you all were in need of a goddamn hero. Dylan shakes OMJ's hand. Dylan: It's good to see you in the staff lounge again, Jenk. OMJ: Thank you, Director. Dylan: How's Jelly? I remember that you two bitches were very much in lust and had your whole online lives ahead of you. OMJ: Yes, we were...then... OMJ flashbacks to him and Jelly raping the games forum one night when suddenly, Internet shows up in the thread. Internet: Muhahaha! Internet proceeds to cut Jelly's activity short, literally. Jelly's decapitated head lands in OMJ's hands. OMJ: JELL JAM! Dylan: Well shit, that's bad. OMJ: Yes, she went out pretty violently, sir. After some time passed, I shipped out with a very special younger woman named Aya...then... OMJ flashbacks to later that night when he was asking Aya questions. Suddenly, Ssj appears. Ssj: Dat hair. He kidnaps her, taking her to the top of the deathmatch arena. Ssj: There's a bomb strapped to her chest and it'll explode in three seconds unless you catch her! He throws her off the arena, OMJ positioning himself to catch her, but the bomb detonates while she was still falling, bits of her body, eyes and techni-colored hair dousing over OMJ. OMJ: SLOWPOKE! Ssj: Prepare yourself for long, lonely nights touching yourself, Detective! Dylan: Mother of all fucks, that's bad. OMJ: I thought I would never love agayn, then I found just that in a slightly younger woman named Cosmic-Loop. Dylan: Cosmic-Loop? OMJ: Yes sir, your employee of the month. Dylan: Oh. OMJ: ...Then... OMJ flashes back to even later that night when he was chatting with Cosmic about Sailor Moon on the SBM Chat. Suddenly, The Tide and Seeker logs in and kidnaps her as well. OMJ bursts onto the scene dressed like Tuxedo Mask, shocked to see that Cosmic was strapped to a big red rocket. OMJ: Nooo... Cosmic: Ohhhh, my deus ex machina has arrived! T&S: Be vewy, vewy quiet! I'm bwowing up Cosmic. Uhuhuhuhuh. T&S sets the rocket off, blasting Cosmic straight towards the moon, exploding on impact. Cosmic: X_X OMJ: LOOPY! CNF: Jesus H. fucking Christ on a pogo stick, that's terrible Jenk. He tied her to a missle? What kind of deranged, Cartoon Network-watching, Wile E. Coyote shit is that? Dylan: Well, I'd love to reminisce about bitches some more, but we should get to work. Jjs: We're following up on that SBM clue, and I'm more than positive that we can get a positive pinpoint on the location of Team Rage's clubhouse from there. OMJ: Team Rage's clubhouse? So this isn't a mission to rescue Sauce?That whole scene with her during the last episode was just there for nothing? Ex: Pfft, of course not. ExKizuna enters the lounge now. Ex: Screw your permission to enter, Dylan. Dylan: At least some bitch has the balls to be straightforward and blunt, like moi Ex: As if we'll really risk life and limb to save a member of the Fantastic Five. If that were the case, your old ass can go save her yourself. We're here to bring Elastic back home, is what we're here to do! OMJ: Was emphasizing it twice really necessary? Ex: Of course. When working with a member of the Fantastic Five, you have to drive it through their thick skulls that there are obviously other users around here besides themselves. Seriously man, hanging out with them has made you an asshole. OMJ: Yes, clearly I'm the asshole. Ex: And what exactly do you bring to ACS' buffet table, Old Man? OMJ: These nuts. OMJ said flashing out his cartoon penis gif. Ex: I'm surprised that thing is still even working after all these years. OMJ: You trying to imply something, junior? Ex: I'm trying to imply that Fantastics can go drop dead! You think you can feed me to PatAss then turn around and bring me back for this shit?! I know you Fantastics are out to get me. OMJ: I wasn't the one who took you off my PSN friends list. Ex: Ex-fucking-actly. Dylan: Calm your fucking tits, you gaiz >_> is this all you got for me, Jjs? Jjs: No, there is still one other. Whereas OMJ and Ex bring with them experience and skill, if there's one thing the last member of my team has, it's firepower. The scene cuts to inside Doctor Sex's doctor's office which is armed to the teeth with the Spy Buddies' old weapon supply. Jjs: So, are you in or are you in? Sex: Fuck it! I say we go get the mu'fucka OMJ: Never in all my years of showing people these nuts have I ever been more creeped out by the sight of anything else, especially a smirk. Ex: Yeah, god forbid anyone else outside the Fan Five dare smirk. Sex: But we gotta holla at mah boi first! He'll sure as hell wanna piece of this pie. The scene cuts to Sex's parent's restaurant somewhere in PA. Dominic "Big Muthafuckin" D was working in the kitchen while the rest of the team sat at the counter. Big D: Muthafucka Imma ask your bitch ass again, where the fuck is this Muthafuckin pie that I would surely want a Muthafuckin piece of, Muthafucka!? Sex: Shit, D! I meant a piece of dis action we be gearin ourselves all up into! Big D: Sheeeit Yianni, why didn't you just word it like dat?! Now I feel like I've stepped over your boundaries, stepped on all y'all's toes! Sex: Damn Dom, it was a common mo'fuckin mistake man. We all make mistakes, homie! OMJ: It's true, Cha can vouch for that. Sex: See! Even Cha can vouch for dat shit! Ex: Sure, just because a member of the "Fan Five" vouches for something, everybody takes it with a truck full of fuckin salt. Big D: Really, Chaz said dat? Sheeeit, look, I'm sorry man. It's just bein in this kitchen with all these bowls of onions and shit, man, makes me a lil disillusioned, nah'mean? It's like, I don't know who the fuck put em there, they're just there. For me to cut up! How the fuck am I supposed to know who in fuck's name put it there?! Sex: D, dog, you ain't gots to apologize. I know, man, I know! I have no fuckin idea who fuckin put dem there either. It's like a goddamn fuckin mystery, like the show! They ain't fuckin sayin who put it there either! Big D: Man, bring it all in here, Yianni! Sex: Damn Dom! Big D and Sex proceeds to hug things out. Ex: ...Now y'all two are just gay. D and Sex hastily break away from their embrace like nothing happened. Big D: But yeah, I heard what happened to Elias. Jjs: So can I trust Sex to trust you to help bring our friend back? Big D: Oh, you can trust me aight. You can trust that I'll be dead on dat fat ass like Chris Brown on fuckin Good Mornin America! I'll hunt him down and feed him his own testicles, AND I'll smother it in Jif and grape jelly! And I don't care if his momma's there, grandmomma, babysitter, split personalities, innocent bystanders, COD players, whateva! I'll leave that whole site filled with pipin hot spam if I have to, and you know why?! Cuz I. JUST. DONT. GIVE A. FUCK! Jjs: ...Fuck, I think I just shit myself. OMJ: Big D, Big D, Big D, can't you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotize me. Big D: Now how many of you are up for some breakfast? I've got baked potatoes and sour cream. Sex: See Jjs, I told you Dom is a model employee and throw some grits sandwiches with them potatoes, Big D, I'm hungry as a mu'fucka! Jjs: While that does sound rather scrumptious, I'm afraid we're gonna have to take a delicious break from these potatoes for the moment. Ex: Haha! Sex: Then fuck it! I say we roll up on all them fat fucks' rolls TONIGHT! Big D: Big D's gonna douse some gravy on they rolls and I'll even do it in a jiffy! OMJ: Follow that up with a slap to their face with these nuts! OMJ flashes his penis gif again. Jjs: Then what the h-e-double hockey sticks are we waiting for?! Sex: Lets bounce, bitch! We gettin the band back together again! Big D: The Notorious B.I.G. Muthafuckin D, Dr. Sex, Expac, Ol' Dirty Man Jenkins and Jj- uhhhh...wuh'ever the fuck his rapper name is. Sex: Look out! Sex and Big D walk out of the restaurant all slow motion-like, Sex decked out in streets clothes with his pants hanging off his underwear and a chain around his neck, body armor a long coat and a skull cap while Big D is wearing a suit and tie, long coat and a do-rag. They carry a couple of automatic weapons in hand, Big D placing one his hands over his, well, big d as he does so. Jjs, OMJ and Ex simply stroll around them to get to their boatmobile faster. Big D: I call shotgun! OMJ: Hey, I was sitting in the front seat- Big D aims an AA-12 shotgun at OMJ. Big D: Oh hell nah, I meant this shotgun right here! But I'll gladly take the front seat too unless you got something to say otherwis- OMJ: It's all your's! They all get in the boatmobile and peel off, with Sex driving. Jjs: Dear Neptune, what are you doing?! You don't even have a license! Sex: Damn, chill out jjshussein! You know what I good for! Big D: Yeah man, calm the fuck down. Like the lil square dude said so himself, you don't need a license to ride dirty! Jjs: Yeah, I don't know about that. They drive around the suburbs in the residential district of The Community. OMJ: But anyway I..I..I like to value my relationship with women! You know sometimes I get so deeply involved I just, I just have to feel like oral sex would complete our relationship. Sex: Yeah, yeah, I see whatchu be spitting there, but Aya could be like a mu'fuckin dude fo all you know OMJ: Why you always gotta be saying that, mang? Sex: I ain't sayin, I just sayin OMJ: Mang, go eat a d, Sex. A big d, to be exact. Sex: Oh, so you got tricks too huh! D, you gonna back my ass up?! Big D: What for, you're gonna be eatin it anyway. Sex: Damn Dom, mu'fucka no wonder why people think we's gay! Ex: Well as for me, it's pretty unusual, kinda casual. Big D: Nah, can't be. Ex: Yes, with me, girls are all obsessed to get undressed. And I'd do it at a drop of a dime too, sometimes even go in from behind! Slowly strokin, no jokin. My tongue just keeps on pokin, you wouldn't even believe! OMJ: I know I don't. But yo, the best type of oochie coochie is the type that tastes like sushi! Sex: Shit mang, I'd eat it! We should hit up the Wawa later! Big D: Yeah you! Watch a girl frisky, then wash it all down with a shot of whiskey! OMJ: Aloha to dat! Ex: Yo bros, here be a real good story. Check it out! I remember I spent the night at Sally's house, woke up with cottonmouth. I couldn't speak, my tongue was weak from Yo-Da-Lin In The Valley! Big D & OMJ: Sheeeeit! Sex: YODALAYHEEEEEOOOOO! Ex: Oh believe me, I love them mountain thighs and a pizza pie before my eyes! But before I taste them juices, ya know, I make sure this Sally douches. Big D & OMJ: Sheeeeiiiittt!! Sex: Damn Ex, I know whatchu good for on this team! Ex: But she's not the only one I like to yodel on. I know it sounds wicky wacky ticky tacky, but y'all know that I'm definitely most happy! Sex: Girls think I'm a freak cause I don't speak. Like, I whisper in their ear and make it clear that I love em', don't get me wrong. Sorry dear don't hate cause I'm not gonna say I love you when your sitting upon my face! Jjs: Dear Neptune below, Sex! Big D: Lemme tell y'all that it's very wet in the valley, you bet! And get this, one girl that I yodeled on had a bush thicker than the amazon forest. I felt like a tourist or a backpacker, I was like "oh shit, where's my weedwhacker?!" I came out with hair on my tongue! But still, I got the job done. Sex: Oooohhhh fuck, D! Ex: Damn Dom! I think might need more yodelin music after that one. Ex turns up some "Big Fat Baby" by Cyco Miko on the radio. Big D: Sheeeit! This is mah jam! Ex: Really gets you in the mood to kill some ACS's. Jj: Meh, I'm more of a Imagine Dragons kinda guy. Everybody just stares at him. Big D: Oh, you're lucky I'm up here and not back there, but unfortunately for you I can turn my ass around, send you flying out of this car and into a whole new world of hurt! OMJ: Jjs, don't fuckin embarrass me in front of the guys, kplzthnx. Jjs: What, I brought you in on this whole operation! You shouldn't be embarrassing me! Sex: And he's doing a damn good job at it too, unlike some people Big D: Some people? Are you implying more than just one of us are embarrassing ourselves? Sex: Nah, I meant nothin by it man, only Jjs! Big D: Then you should've just said "someone". Sex: Then that'd be like Someone is embarrassing herself and I don't wanna sound like an ass. Big D: Bitch! It's just goddamn fucking someone! Sex: Yeah, but there's an actual user named Someone dat makes these things more messed up than it sounds! Big D: And just how in Neptune's ballsack was I supposed to know these things?! Sex: Which is why I'm tellin you now! Big D: Look man, I sorry. I sorta went off the fuckin rails there. Sex: Damn Dom, you should know what I good for already. Big D: I know, I know I should know what you're good for and I apologize. It's just this whole things got me a lil itchin to pull a trigger, ya know. Sex: Oh I know! It happens to the best of us. Big D: Fuck Yianni, bring it all in here. Sex: Damn Dom, I love these moments. They hug it out again, Jjs trying to keep control of the steering wheel as they do so. Sex: They're fuckin beautiful, man. Big D: In-fuckin-deed, Yianni, in-fuckin-deed. Ex: Y'all two are still gay. They immediately pull away from each other and return to their seats like nothing happened. Sex has Dom pass out some microphones to the other members of the rescue team. Jjs: What in Neptune's name are these for? Big D: Mics? Really Sex? Sex: They fo a lil somethin-somethin I like to call "communi-kay-cion". You can't spell the "Community" without it. Jjs: No, you can't. Sex: Well you can't spell em both without fuckin "communi"! I even picked up a fresh, new one for your lazy ass, OMJ. OMJ: Oh happy day Big D: All these mics are to me are just fuckin stupid shit for fucking stupid people to use so they can talk to other fuckin stupid people about fuckin stupid shit. Sex: ...I feel the need for some "code usernames", nah'mean? Keep things a lil mo inconspicuous and shit. Jjs: You know, that's actually not a bad idea. Sex: Y'all can call me...Sex! Yeah, Sex! Big D: Dem muh'fuckas don't know who the hell I am so it's still Big Muthafuckin' D! OMJ: From this point on, I shall be known as Dicky Moe. DICKY MOOOOOEEEEE! Watch out! Ex: And I'm gonna be all like Georgex Zimmerzuna up they ass! Jjs: Right, and I'm Lemondope! They all just stare at him again. Jjs: So Sex only takes the "Doctor" out of his name, but I get all the stares? OMJ: ...Don't be a lemon, Jjs. You've been one through most of this episode enough already. Jjs: Fine. Betty Grof it is then. OMJ: Aye aye aye. They soon pull up near the Sharing Timeshare homes. Jjs: What are you doing, we're supposed to follow up on the SBM source at, well, SBM! Ex: Man, fuck SBM! Bunch of scared little pussies all they are, no wonder ACS holes up with dem bitches, he has em around them chicken legs he calls fingers. OMJ: Besides, I'm sure someone here knows where stays holed up. I mean, a lot of users here go on SBM too. Jjs: And how are we so sure someone here knows something like that? Sex: Oh, Someone knows somethin, alright. *cocks gun* Jjs: Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Clint Morningwood! We have to be tactful. Sex: Tactful! What's dat? Big D: He's talkin bout diplomacy. *takes out semi-automatic from his coat* I don't do diplomacy. Ex: Then fuck it, lets roll. OMJ: Rolling. You coming along, Jjs? Jjs: Sigh, do I have a choice. Sex and Big D knocks down the door to CDCB's sharing timeshare, guns blazing. Sex: KYAH BITCH! Big D: Hands off the VCR, fat boy! CDCB: First I can't even rewind some VHS tapes in peace and now I'm being called fat in my own dojo? CNF walks in from the bedroom wearing Mickey Mouse ears. CNF: CD, turn off that Playhouse Disney garbage and play around in the real Playhous- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING HERE?! CNF gives them both the one finger salute your shorts. CNF: GET THE BKM UP OUTTA HERE! Sex: At least we know where most of them blank tapes are going towards. Ex, Jenkins and Jjs storm the sharing timeshare of Kevin. Ex: Hands up, afro off, Fan Five lover! Kevin whips off his afro wig. Kevin: Please no, I just got back here from JCM's ask thread! Ex: Where's Team Rage!? Kevin: Well, I don't- OMJ: Goddammit Kevin, you're on SBM most of the time, answer the damn question! Kevin: I don't know! I don't know anything of the Team or Rage variety! Ex: Then give me one good reason why I should let you live. Kevin: I'm uhhh SBC's token Asian- Ex shoots Kevin square in the forehead. OMJ: Sweet Sauce Mama flapjacks! Ex: We already have Shin for that, and he does a better job at it. Jjs: You didn't have to kill him! Nobody here knows anything! Ex: Then no wonder why I spend most of my time on the xat. And this is deathmatch after all. Jjs: ...True. Ex leaves Kevin's place as Jjs follows suit, trying to stop him. OMJ holds back to take some time and close Kevin's still open Asian eyes. OMJ: Rest Slutface, now you can rest. Kevin's eyes slowly opens up again. OMJ closes them again. OMJ: NOW, you can rest. OMJ gets up to leave and turns back to see his eyes open again. OMJ kneels back down to Kevin. OMJ: Geez Slutface, even in death, you can still be a lil vintage butt. OMJ leaves Kevin's place and comes across Sex and Big D exiting his own Sharing Timeshare. OMJ: Hey, that's my place! Sex: We know. Big D: And you better clean it the fuck up, it's fuckin depressing. Ex and Jjs break into Clappy's sharing time, finding it to be pretty empty. Ex: Say Jjs, why didn't you recruit Clappy into this little shindig? I remember we used to fuck ACS's IAVA forums all sorts of up together before. Jjs: Well, same reason why you're not seeing him here. He's on another one of his weekly breaks. Ex: Fuuuuck. A faint scream could be heard coming from somewhere inside the Sharing Time. Sauce: I'm in here! Please! Jjs Did you just hear that? Ex: Oh, I know what Clap's is doing on his breaks now, I see how it is...fuck em, leave em to their Fan Five shit, I have bullets to save and we have an Elastic Dog to find. Jjs and receives an incoming message on their mics. OMJ: Heyo, we caught the fat bastard! Jjs: You WHAT?! Ex: Fuckin A, lets rock and roll that rolly poly olie all around the Community for everyone to see! They reach OMJ's location, where Sex and Big D are seen kicking a user down on the ground in the status updates section. Big D: Spread your shit! Sex: We said spread yo shit, bitch! Book em or fuck em, Jjs. *he and Big D cocks their pistols and aims them down at the user* your choice! Jjs: Oh dear almighty Neptune below! Sex: I know, bigger up close, ain't he? But he went down fast and hard. Jjs: That's not ACS! Big D: He's what now? Jjs: That's not even a guy! Big D: Then who the fuck is he- she-...it, whatever?! Sweetjj17: =( I was just going to get my hair done for rehearsals =( Sex bends down to get a better look at her. Sex: Why you gotta be so phat!? Big D: Fuck em, Sex. She ain't the doughboy we're looking for. Sex helps her back up to her feet and boots her away. Sex: Aight, go get up outta hea and eat a Twinkie or somethin! Sweetjj limps off only for Sex to gun her down as she runs away. Sex: Haha! What? You said fuck em, about the closest thing she ever gonna get to a full load being shot up dat ass, and right before dying to! It's a win/win sitch-you-way-cion fo everybody! I saved a few dicks and her pussy along the way! Jjs: Lets just stick together from here on out. They head to another sharing time and kick the door down to see that it belongs to Bad Reviews Halibut. Halibut: Well, well, well, aren't you all a sight for sore eyes! Jjs: Oh god no. Halibut: Sorry I couldn't quite attend last episode's featured bout, I was quite busy hosting SpongeBob Jeopardy, which has been getting RAVE REVIEEEEWWZZZ as of late, better than some of the other more inferior games hosted by even more inferior of hosts! But luckily for you all, I have some BAD REVIEEEWWWZZZ whipped up for just this occasion! You are all idiots, you see, looking elsewhere when the answer lies oh so obviously right in front of you. From the sound of things, bodies have been left in your wake, none of which belongs to the one you're really after! You are all incompetent, and should feel even moreso in life and in bed! Thank you, very much! Jjs: Son of bitch, you took that too! From Forumotion! Kill him, whatever you do, if anyone needs to die here anymore, it's him! Fuck em up now! Nobody does anything. Ex: Well, he hates the Fan Five about as much as I do, so he can't be THAT bad. Ex leaves the room. Sex: I may not like his face, but I don't like ACS' even more! Lets just bounce, bitch! Big D: I barely fuckin know the rat bastard, sooo... Sex and Big D leaves the room, as well. OMJ: It's Bad Reviews Halibut! Gotta love em, Jjizzle! OMJ leaves the room, Jjs following close behind, locking eyes with Halibut as he does so. Jjs: You're so lucky I don't have a gun. Halibut: Well isn't that just BAD NEEEWWWZZZ for you. Once they all leave, Halibut strokes his seaweed mustache. They all make their way to the Sharing Timeshare's pool, where they come across a user by the name of Idiot Boy. OMJ: Idiot Boy? Isn't that off by a letter? Jjs: No, Jenk Man, there's actually another user named Idiot Boy here, no relation to Idiot Box. OMJ: Heh. You learn something new every episode, Jjs. Big D: Well idiots do tend to run in packs, and I have a good feeling that this idiot can lead us to our idiot. Jot that one down in your lesson plan for today. OMJ: Jotting. Big D and Sex approach Idiot Boy, who is lounging by the pool. Sex: So, word on the streets say yo punkly bitch, one-time logging in ass knows a lil somethin-somethin bout a lil problem we have been cum-mish-cioned to deal with, nah'mean?! Big D: Well actually, it's a big problem. It is ACS, after all. Sex: That is true, D, that is muthafuckin true! Reason why I bring you along so much. So you best tell us everything you know that we wanna know, idiot boy. Idiot Boy: I'm in a bad mood. So if I'm mean to you, you'll know why. Big D: This muthafucka say what now? Sex: Ooohhh shit, boy. I was hoping you wouldn't live up to yo name, now you've done pissed off the Big D! Big D: You shouldn't have, man. He really fuckin shouldn't have, Sex! Sex: Oh I know he shouldn't have, but he didn't. Idiot Boy: Look, I'm not looking for trouble here, ok, I jus- Sex: We weren't lookin fo trouble neither, homie. But you just had to open up that mouth the wrong. Ya see, more surprising than not, between me and him, I'm actually the good cop. Really he's the one yo sorry ass should've been suckin off of. But ya had to go and piss em off and now, to put it lightly, the Big Muthafuckin' D is gonna fuck you up inside and out, back, front and sideways. Idiot Boy: Please no, I have a brother. I have a brother who needs me to take care of him after I saved him from drowning in this very pool you see before you- Big D kicks Idiot Boy up from his lounge chair before pounding him back down on it with both hands closed together. He repeated for a couple of times, beating into Idiot Boy's back and chest before catching him in midair and slamming him repeatedly into the concrete surrounding the pool with a flurry of power bombs , breaking and reddening the ground below him with each bomb. He throws Idiot Boy away onto his back. Big D: Run. Idiot Boy heeds his warning and attempts to crawl away with all his strength before getting back up to his feet. Big D grabs the lounge chair he was sitting on and lunges it at the Boy, bringing back down to the concrete hard. He then proceeds to beat Idiot Boy with the lounge chair before grabbing his right arm, pulling it up and stomping down on his head and neck. He finally picks Idiot Boy up for more and power bombs him into the pool, unloading his shotgun at his body immediately after. The water turned red in no time. OMJ: Well that escalated quick- Big D takes out his machine pistol and empties it into the pool too. Sex: Damn Dom, save some bullets for ACS. Fucka's got lead poisonin comin to em instead of food poisonin! Haha! Big D reloads his weapons and head back into the timeshares. Sex: Damn Dom, still ain't satisfied?! Jjs: What the hell was all of that?! Sex: Big D can get a lil, testy, if ya will. Push the wrong buttons and it might just set em off into Cyco Vision. Ex: Like the Suicidal Tendencies song? Sex: EXACTLY like the Suicidal Tendencies fuckin song. OMJ: How long does it last. Sex: Da fuck if I know. They continue shooting the place up for a good three more hours until finally giving up and head back outside to their boatmobile. Big D: So, did we get em yet? Sex: Muthafuckin D, you've been trippin on Cyco Vision for the last, what? OMJ: Three. Sex: Three fuckin hours, homie! Big D: That's almost like 8 episodes of Seinfeld. You sayin it took me almost 8 episodes of Sein-fuckin-field to calm the fuck down?! Sex: Ayyy, more or less. Big D: Well fuck, that's a new record. Ex: Un-fuckin-believable. Why does no one in this godforsaken place know jackshit bout anythin? Jjs: Ahem. Ex: Oh, excuse me. Why does no one in this Neptune forsaken place know jackshit bout anythin? Jjs: Because I told you already, no one in the Community corresponds with ACS as much as in SBM. We went through this! Big D: Well sheeit, why didn't you just say so before instead of making us run all up in there like a bunch of butts?! Jjs: I don't wanna even...but you went through like a lot of damn ammo guys. We can't be so wasteful anymore. Sex: Dont have a cow man! I've played some COD and all that wartime shit! I know what ammo's good for! I know how to frag out and shit, I've played God of War before! Big D: Bitch, God of War ain't no first fuckin person shooter. Sex: Well yeah, but it's about war and killin people and dats what we be wagin, nah'mean?! Jjs: Nvm! Lets just go while we still can, Sex: Well, lets roll bitches. Like a donut. Watch out! They get back in their boatmobile and head towards SBM. OMJ picks his nose and rubs the booger off onto Sex's coat out of boredom. Sex: Fuck, I'm thirsty. Hey, y'all thirsty? There's a Wawa around the corner Jjs: We're not far away from being able to ganking one of The Community's most wanted and you wanna stop for a gas station soda? Sex: Damn Jjscastro, you know what I'm good for! We makin excellent timin if ya ask me. Jjs: We spent the last three hours killing people we weren't even meant to kill, how is that good timing!? Sex: Well, most people would probs take longer pulling that kinda kill streak off if ya ask me. Big D: I could go for a tasty beverage. Sex: See, Big D's speakin some sense! Do you really wanna deny Big D his tasty beverage after all our hard work so far today, Jjs?! Jjs: ...No... Sex: Well then tasty beverages all around, Jjs' treat! OMJ & Ex: Yay! Jjs: They stop at the Community Wawa to get their drink on. OMJ: What kind of fucking name is Wawa anyway? Ex: They should be renamin it Wow Wow, is what they should be doin! Sex: Here ya go, Jenk Man, gas station sushi, the best in PA! Probs the best thing PA's got goin fo it, actually. OMJ: Rajah dat, bu! Jjs, ya want sample? Jjs: I don't want any sushi from a gas station. Big D walks up to them, sipping on a coke slushie. Big D: I've got me a tasty slushy. Sex: See, ya lucky Big D's got his slushy or he'd be goin all Cyco on yo ass by now. Watch out! Jjs: ...phew... OMJ: Holy shit, Slush Puppies? It's been forever since I last saw those in Hawaii! They used to sell these all the time at my elementary school and Pretzel Maker. Sigh, why do they take the good shit away from us? I mean fuck, just cuz we have shaved ice doesn't mean we shouldn't have Slush Puppies. Even I get tired of shaved ice after a while! It's like Dunkin fuckin Donuts too, mang! I used to have one of those on the local marine base, but they got shipped outta here faster than the actual soldiers. Big D: Goddamn, I can't begin to imagine life without Dunkin's Donuts. OMJ: You know that Jesus died for our Dunkin Donuts? I know, I saw the picture. How could the white man bring to my island Christianity and all the wonderful shit that comes with that, but take away our Dunkin' Donuts? It's fucking heresy, mang. The only other perfectly good donut shop we have is Krispy Kremes, and that's on fucking Maui. Ex: That doesn't sound too bad- OMJ: I have to go to another fucking island for fucking donuts, it ridonkulous! I ain't paying a damn round trip flight just for donuts, especially donuts Jesus didn't get himself killed for! Ex: Shit, all this slush puppies is makin me hanker for some purple drank! Sex, go grab some cough medicine before we leave. Ex pulls out his pistol and aims it at the store clerk. Sex: You didn't hear that. Jjs: Can we just get ourselves back on track here for just one moment, please? Just then, three young African-American youths walk into the store. Sex takes note of them as he grabs some cough medicine. Sex: Jjs, shut da fuck up. Look over there. Everybody turns to where Sex is looking and see that the youths are America, Sbnator and Supergameman. OMJ: Hey, it's those guys again. Ex: Might as well add them to the Fan Five and make it a Fan Eight with the recurring rate these guys have in your written work, old man. Jjs: What about them, Sex? Sex: Them muh'fuckas know where ACS be hidin. Jjs: What makes so sure of that, the last time you were so sure, it led to fuckin nothin? Sex: I play online with them sometimes. They actually have mics, unlike some people. OMJ & Big D: Funny. Sex: Point is, ACS also plays online on the PS3. These buttholes play online on the PS3. Surely they know a lil somethin-somethin about our guy. Jjs: You're just going off fucking assumptions. Sex: I've played online with these guys long enough to know their tales. Same with Jenky, I know he's a pretty depressed guy, who keeps bringing himself down with every single shit life throws at him, never allowing himself to grow as a person. OMJ: Goddamn, you're good. Jjs: He was in your sharing time, you idiot. Big D: They're coming this way, act casual. (for lack of the Avatar act casual pic for some reason) Sbnator: Sup. OMJ: Nothin, just acting casual. You? Supergameman: Well I feel I should take this time to tell you guys all about the spinoff sensation that is just blowing the SB Nation in the Adventures of Kyle & Carl! OMJ: Sounds very intriguing, do tell. Supergameman: Well it's about this guy named Kyle, right? OMJ: Right! Supergameman: And there's this other guy named Carl. OMJ: Following. Supergameman: And they go on super fun adventures! OMJ: Wow, you don't say! Isn't that amazing, guys? The Adventures of Kyle & Carl? Two guys? Going on adventures? It's like something totally unheard of before! Ex suddenly pulls out his pistol and uses it to pistol whip Supergameman in the head, knocking him back into the arms of his brothers. America: Hey, what the hell was that for?! He was just telling you guys about his revolutionary spinoff! Jjs: Yes Ex, what the hell was that?! Ex: Come on, you guys can't be this fuckin blind! Jjs: Of what, dare I ask?! Ex: What are ya, nuts? Can't you see that he was about to pull out a fully loaded weapon on ya?! Jjs: I don't see a weapon of any sort besides the one you're holding. Ex: Fuck me, this is exactly what Bad Reviews Halibut was critiquing to us about! We're blind, oblivious to threat that lies so obviously in front of our eyes. These gang bangers were sent by ACS to fuck us over before we could fuck him! Sbnator: He doesn't have a weapon! Ex: Turn his ass right round now so that we can see the weapon! Supergameman: I can't show you a weapon I'm not holding! Sbnator and America look to take a break for it with their brother, but Sex and Big D pulls their assault rifles out on them. Sex: Whoa! Big D: Hold on now, put the gun down! Sbnator: Just who the fuck do you think you are throwing accusations at us when you so obviously have a weapon in your possession?! Jjs: Yeah Ex, just who the fuck do you think you are right now? Ex: I wasn't the one who was busting it out first, that's who I am. And it's Georgex Zimmerzuna to you, Jjs! Come on, Jenkins. Surely your eyes aren't old and frail enough to miss what I saw. OMJ: I...I... Ex: Come on, old man! These guys are obviously a threat to us and a threat to this community! I say we waste em before they waste Elastic's last hope! OMJ: You're taking this too far, guys. These brothers, they look like they don't want any trouble. Just getting their drank on like us. Ex: Typical, how could I expect any better coming from a Fantastic. I'm ending this shit now. Ex pops more than a few clips into Supergameman's chest. He falls back into his brothers' arms and slowly bleeds out. Sbnator: He didn't have a weapon! Ex: Step away from the body, I'll be the judge of that. Ex aims his gun at the remaining to brothers as he cautiously steps toward Supergameman's body. Sbnator and America quickly rise up to their feet with Karate Chopper throwing stars in hand. America: But we do. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Jenkins Posted June 8, 2014 Author Share Posted June 8, 2014 I may as well just make this four parts This ep has like two major deathmatches in it and it's proved pretty hard to really get em both done and I don't want it to come off like another huge clusterfuck, so as a bit of a treat I'll post the first one up.The following program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein...except maybe Trophy... ...Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!Episode 20 (Part Two of Four): Blood Brothers Ex pops more than a few clips into Supergameman's chest. He falls back into his brothers' arms and slowly bleeds out. Sbnator: He didn't have a weapon! Ex: Step away from the body, I'll be the judge of that. Ex aims his gun at the remaining to brothers as he cautiously steps toward Supergameman's body. Sbnator and America quickly rise up to their feet with Karate Chopper throwing stars in hand. America: But we do. America throws two stars Ex, catching him in both the hand in which he was holding his gun and to his head. Sbnator also throws two at Sex and Big D respectively, managing to disarm them both. Ex drops to his knees, in shock from the pain. America nails him with a buzz saw kick to the head, knocking the star in deeper into his skull. Ex drops to the ground as everybody looks on shocked. America and Sbantor nail simultaneous drop kicks to Sex and Big D, knocking them back into the aisles. They then set their sights on Jjs and OMJ. Jjs: Hey, we're just here to commentate. Jjs and OMJ dive behind the store cash counter and pull some mics out their asses. Jjs: It appears as though we have ourselves an impromptu deathmatch here, Jenkins! OMJ: And under such short notice, who could possibly step up to officiate this gas station brawl?! They look towards the store clerk and toss him into the middle of the action. Sex and Big D suddenly charge at both brothers, both brother managing to catch them and proceeds to hold them down so they can knee them in their heads. Jjs: Oh, such thunderous knees to the heads of our teammates, Jenks! I can't watch! OMJ: After everything else you've seen today, you can't watch that? Sex and Big D fight away from Sbnator and America, eying down at their fallen guns. The brothers take note of this and stands in their way. Sex: So it's fisticuffs y'all want? Lemme warn ya, I float like a butterfly and sting like when I pee. Watch out! Sex goes to attack Sbnator and they trade blows. Sbnator manages to block them all before trying to connect some hits of his own, but Sex surprisingly blocks all his hits as well. America leaps into the air and goes to nail Big D with some flying kick, but D manages to duck away from all of them. America comes back with a roundhouse kick, which Big D also blocks before connecting some hard punches to the back of America's kidneys. America tries to surprise him with some more throwing stars, but Big D dodges these as well. Jjs: The throwing stars proving to be not quite as effective as previously thought! OMJ: Sorta speaks true to life, Jjs! Sbnator throw some punches, but get himself surprisingly outmaneuvered and punched back into a shelf. At the same time, America tries to lay some kicks to Big D's head, but D manages to catch one of his kicks in midair and hoists him up, turning towards Sex's direction. Big D: Yianni, get the fuck outta the way! Sex sidesteps to the left as Big D swiftly throws America right into his brother, breaking through the shelf and into a whole different aisle. Sex: Damn Dom, I didn't know you cared about me so much homie! Big D: Always Yianni, always. Sex: Bring it in here, ya big d! They proceed to hug it out in the middle of the store. Jjs: What a mighty throw by Big Dom! More than likely wasn't enough to kill them, but impressive nonetheless. OMJ: It has opened up an opportunity to make a break for those guns, which could prove to make or break this match! Sex and Big D are still in the process of hugging it out. Jjs: Did you not hear a word he just said? Sex and Big D's hug appeared to be unbreakable. OMJ: GET THE FUCKING GUNS! Sex and Big D immediately break their embrace like nothing happened and runs towards their rifles. Jjs: Thanks, Jenk Man! Really saved me the added stress. OMJ: Well Jjs, this episode alone has taught me a lot about each and of ourselves. And that slush puppies could be used for purple drank apparently! *pulls out his gun and aims it at the store clerk* You didn't hear that. A couple of throwing stars intercepts Sex and Dom right before they could reach their weapons, stopping them in their tracks and allowing Sbnator and Sex to somersault kick them away before grabbing the rifles for themselves. Jjs: Dear Neptune below, the brothers have gotten possession of the guns! Sex and Dom could be done for here, Jenks! OMJ: Followed by us, no doubt about it, Jjs! America and Sbnator aim their stolen weapons at Sex and Dom, smirking. Sex: Y'all punk asses think ya got dis in the bag, do ya?! Sbnator: More than one bag, Yianni. Sex: Now you didn't just use my first name on me now! Tell ya what, I'mma give y'all a head start to leave right now. America: Right now? Sex: Immediately. I want you two to hightail it outta here right now before you really get hurt. Sbnator: Before WE really get hurt? Really? Sex: Really! America: Really really? Big D: Yes, yes, REALLY Sbnator: Really really really really- Sex BITCH, REALLY! Sex pounces at both of them, but they open fire, causing him and Big D to retreat back behind a couple of store shelves as the store clerk gets himself caught up and gunned down in the crossfire. Jjs: Sbnator and America has Sex and Dom reeling back for cover for dear life and we have a referee possibly down and out! OMJ: Keep that left flank covered, Yianni! 8-Ball ain't there to cover your ass! Big D: Yo, clerk, umm, whoever-you-are- Clerk: I'm your favorite WHumbolo! Big D: The fucks the point of an H being there all capital and shit- whatever...Imma assure you that you are not gonna die in vain! WHumbolo: I, I don't think I'm dying. Big D: Well then, Imma assure you are not gonna be mortally wounded in vain! WHumbolo: Actually, I think I'm gonna make it! WHumbolo slowly picks himself up from the floor. Sex: You hear dat, ya inbred spooks?! Clerky ain't dead! Clerky says "let's get it on, bitch!" Sex pulls two Uzis out from his coat while Big D pulls his assault shotgun out from his, both rising from behind cover and firing off at their opponents. Sex: Bring it! America and Sbnator return fire and WHumbolo gets gunned down in the crossfire again. Jjs: Sex and Dom have fired themselves back up into this deathmatch! OMJ: Quite literally, Jjs, and it appears special guest referee WHumbolo took the brunt of it! They fire the entire Wawa up to all hell, not being able to connect a single kill shot to either side. Jjs: Neither side seems to throwing in the towel one bit as a flurry of bullets hail through the Wawa and not even one being able to connect to their intended targets! OMJ: These guys' aim is about as bad as Calvin's sense of humor, Jjs! Jjs: Reynolds or Bubblerock? OMJ: Bubblerock, of course! The only thing bad about Calvin Reynolds is his very existence. Sbnator and America run out of ammo, leaving themselves vulnerable. Sex and Big D step out from behind cover and aim their weapons at them, Sex smoking a Cuban cigar he took off the counter earlier. Sex: I love it when a plan comes together! Big D pulls the cigar right out of Sex's mouth and burns his cheek with it. Big D: Bitch, you ain't planned shit! While they were distracted with their bickering, Sbnator and America take this time to disarm them once again with their throwing stars. Big D: Muthafucka! See what you done made us do!? Sex: Me?! You went against the plan! Big D: Muthafucka!! Sbnator and America brandish a couple of swords. Jjs: Bah gawd! Swords straight out of the Krusty Krusher arsenal! So is this like a taste of what could've been with that whole "Community Deathmatch League" thing you had planned before. OMJ: In a cosmic, meta sorta way, yes, Jjs. Sbnator and America lunge at Sex and Big D, both managing to dodge each of their swings, barely. Big D manages to catch America's blade in his hands and snaps the blade in half with all of his strength. Jjs: Bah gawd, Dom has just made short work of America's sword! America attempts to impale Big D with the stub of the sword he has left but Big D manages to catch it under America's hand under his arm and holds on tight. Big D lays some powerful kicks to America's side, opening him up for some vicious knees right to the gut. He follows that up now with some gnarly punches to the gut as well. Jjs: Big D is trying to break through America with his bare hands! OMJ: As any illegal would! Big D sends America head first into the wall of the Wawa as Sex continues dodging Sbnator's sword. Sbnator manages to clip him a few times on the arms and legs, creating slashes and gashes in his clothing and on his body before sweeping Sex's legs right from under him. With Sex down, Sbnator stomps his foot onto Sex's chest and readies his sword near his face. Sbnator: Look who's about to teabag who now. Sex: Damn, chill out Sbgaddafi! You know what I good for! Sbnator: Not good enough! Sex: Imma warn ya right now, yo. Imma give you a head start to leave- Sbnator: Fuck dat shit, I ain't takin anymo' of yo head starts and yo shortcuts and all dat other pussy shit! You bout to get to get yo'self wasted more than Termi on a Saturday night! OMJ: Neptune dammit, Jjs! I can't just sit here and commentate while our crew gets wasted more than Termi on Saturday nights! Jjs: Jenkins, don't be a goddamn hero! OMJ gets out from behind the counter. OMJ: Heyo! Penis for your thoughts? OMJ asks, flashing his pulsating cartoon penis gif. Sbnator: Goddamn man! Why you goin around postin dat shit, man!? Fuck, I can't unsee! Sex uses this distraction to his advantage by snatching Sbnator's blade and kicking in his left leg, breaking it. He kicks Sbnator away and kips back up to his feet. Sex backhands Sbnator back to the ground face first before he could get up. He lays some more kicks into his spine and the back of his head. He flips Sbnator over on his back. Sbnator: Fuck you, Yianni, you white ass, prickly ass, Greek ass, trapped with a vengeance ass mothafucka! Sex wraps his chain around his fist and beats it into Sbnator's skull Sex: Aww, ily too! Sbnator: Fu- Sex hops into the air and lands on Sbnator's face ass first. Sex: But how you gonna say "ily" when I'm sittin atop yo face! Jjs: Jenkins, are you suicidal?! OMJ: More like homicidal, Jjs. Sex: The Doctor says open wide, bitch! Open it! Sex applies his fist to Sbnator's throat and forcefully props open his mouth. Sex: Somebody needs to get laid...the fuck out! And the best medicine fo dat is some oochie coochie, and the best type there that this Doc recommends tastes like sushi! Sex grabs a handful of the gas station sushi from earlier and jams it all down Sbnator's throat. Sbnator tries spitting it out, but Sex holds his hand over his mouth and chops his throathole in with his other hand to close his airways and prevent the sushi from coming back out. Jjs: Bah gawd! Sex has just jammed a handful of gas station sushi down Sbnator's mouth and made damn well sure it won't be chucking back up! That only leaves one other way to come out, Jenks! OMJ: And judging from the amount he has ingested in that short amount of time, there's no telling if he can even make it to the end! Sbnator's stomach begins to shake and grumble. Sex quickly retreats off of him as his stomach expands and distorts as the gas station sushi settles in his stomach. Sex: Duck and cover, he gon blow! Sex dives behind the broadcast counter with Jjs and OMJ as Sbnator stomach explodes from the toxic pressure of the sushi. Jjs: And by Neptune, I think the Doc has done it! He's killed Sbnator! Sex: Well shit, Jjsmussolini! You know what I good for- Big D suddenly gets blasted back into the counter with them. Sex: The fuck goin on here?! Last time we was with you, you looked like you had things under control! Big D: Yeah, well shit, looks like y'all missed out on one minor muthafuckin detail! America slowly approaches them, wielding his 'Merica Weapon. America: We came here to kick some punk asses and buy skittles, and I don't see no skittles. OMJ: I think I just shit myself. Sex: Well shit America the beautiful, I know what dat good for. Jjs: Fucking eviscerating us all. Big D: More like fucking AND eviscerating us all, at the same time. Sex: Which reminds me, Jenky, you and I need to co-op Saints Row sometime or some shit OMJ: If we make it out of this alive, we could co-op Hello Kitty Island Adventure with mics and shit for all I care. Sex: Sounds cherry America aims at them all behind the counter. America: You may have killed my brothers in arms, but this shit's gotten more than personal. This isn't for revenge, nor family, nor glory. This is for...America OMJ: Que paso? America: FOR MURICA, MURICAAAAAA!!! Jjs, OMJ, Sex and Big D all scream and duck for cover behind the counter in terror as America loads his weapon up when suddenly, a stray gun shot is heard piercing through the Wawa. The sound of America's weapon dies down as the sound of something dropping to the floor follows right after. Sex: Is we dead yet?! For the love of Neptune that didn't fuckin hurt as much as I thought it would! Jjs: I...think we're still alive. Big D: The fuck makes you think that? Jjs: Well, lets face it, JCM's ask thread would be deader than this. They all slowly get up and peer over to see America down on the floor with blood gushing from his head. They look off to the side to see Ex back up to his feet, still alive yet injured, with his pistol back in hand. Sex raises his and Big D's hands. Sex: WINNERS! OMJ: Dear Neptune below, it's ExKizuna! Still clinging onto dear lif- Ex: Shut the fuck up, Fantastic. OMJ: Shutting. Members of Captcha arrive on the scene, proceeding to arrest Ex. Sex: Eh, who snitched?! Who called the popo?! Ex: The hell did I do?! Officer: You're under arrest for attempting to mix and distribute purple drank. Ex: Motherfuck- YOU, CLERK! I told you, you didn't hear nothin! WHumbolo laid on the ground, dead. Ex: This is a conspiracy! They're out to get me, man! The Fantastics! They're out to get me! They take Ex away. Ex: I'll kill all you Fantastics off, old man! You listenin to me?! I swear it! I'll have my restitution! Jjs: Did you even had anything to do with that? OMJ: Well, yeah. He did have it coming, Jjs, for Slutface. Jjs: Well you do know that Ex, being Ex, will probably get off the hook by maybe even tonight with only a mere slap on the wrist? OMJ: Well, shit. Jjs: Well thanks to your petty vendetta, there goes one member of our team already. Sex: Well shit Jjs, yous still got me and Big D! All the backup you gon need! Big D: And this beaut. Big D says, carrying America's 'Merica Weapon. Jjs: Well isn't that just dan-fucking-dy! We're already down one member and countless amount of munitions, and we still haven't gotten to SBM! And for what? Just so you all can get tasty beverages and sushi that damn well did just kill a man- OMJ and the others have already gotten into the car. Sex: Yo Jjs, you gonna talk to yo'self all day or are we gonna kill ourselves an ACShole! Jjs: 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Man Jenkins Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 The following program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein...except maybe Trophy... ...Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!Episode 20 (Part Three of Four): Turning The Tables Sex, Big D, Jjs and OMJ proceed to continue onward towards SBM. Sex: Fuck it, I'm bored! Y'all wanna play some music? I think I wanna go play some music. Jjs: We're practically on SBM's doorstep, and you want to to go play some Neptune damn music?! Sex: Damn chill out jjskimjong, you know what music's good for! It could calm our nerves and shit, especially after what just happened cuz we all seem to be a lil on edge! Some more than others. Namely you. Jjs: We're on a mission to kill the 500 pound menace, of course I'm gonna be on edge approaching this thing, especially after a blatant assassination attempt! Big D: I could go for some ear rape. Sex: See Jjs, Big D could go for some ear rape. You really wanna deny his ears from getting torn countless new ones! Jjs: ...no... Sex: Well it's settled then. First! Big D: Second! OMJ: Third! Jjs: THIR- dammit! Sex: Looks like yo ass is last, Jjs! Jjs: They pull up to Shin's Turntable Room and enter inside. Big D: Y'all know the drill. Avatars on, muthafuckas! Jjs: Avatar? OMJ: It's a turntable thing. This looks like a sesh for a goddamn superhero. Sex: Eh yo, Big D, ask me about my weineeeerrrr! Big D: Bitch, why don't you ask me. Jjs: And I'm all set to play a set! They all just stare at Jjs. Jjs: Wut? OMJ: ...Goshdangit, Jjs. Jjs Whut?! The party didn't start until Jjs, OMJ, Sex and Big D, still clutching his crotch, walked in. The only users inside were Cha, Trophy, Nards and SBManiac!!! Trophy: hey I'm still the only sports fan here. Nards: OMG it's OMJ! And those guys. SBManiac: Hey guys, wonderful weather we're having, isn't it? Cha: DOM! Cha jumps off her seat and into Big D's arms. Cha: Take my seat Big D: Thanks Che. Cha: He called me Che Jjs and OMJ manage to beat them to the punch and swipe the last two seats. OMJ: Sowwy guys, you snooze, you lose Sex: Bitch ass muh'fuckas! One of you step the fuck down and let a real lyrical ge-knee-is blow yo minds like"blam! Watch out!" Nobody budges from their seats. Sex: Come on y'all rat bastards, y'all know what I'm good for! Big D let em have their moments, Yianni. I can go for a piece of ass right now. Cha: Do you want a piece of my ass Dom? Cha asked, holding a knife to her buttcheek. Just then, SG entered the room as Mandythepharmacist. Big D: Mmm yeeeaaah boi! Doctor, doctor, gimme the news I got a bad case of loving you. Sex: Bitch what? No wonder people think we's gay! Big D: Not you muthatfucka! Dat hot piece of Texan barbecue right there! Sex: She one pharmacist, bitch! BIG muthafuckin difference! Big D: Difference my ass! Cha: Mmm :wuv: Big D: See, Che can vouch fo me! Cha: You want me to crouch for you? Okay. Cha crouches down into a seductive position for Big D, she channels the Unlimitedcat in her and rubs herself along Big D's leg, purring. Big D not really paying her any mind. OMJ: It appears Cha seems to be working her moves on Dom, Jjs. You could say she wants the big D, if you know what I'm sayin' SBManiac: So you're saying that she wants a big, bold letter D? Because I can provide her just that. Look, D. See? Nards: Once again, SBM, you fail to grasp onto the concept of innuendos. Jjs: Was that supposed to be commentary? OMJ: Well, some people felt the last episode didn't exactly feel like a deathmatch episode, so I'm trying to give this one more of a feel. Plus, I need something to do since it's like four fucking songs away from it being my turn. Big D: Check dis out, how bout dis? You and me, first one who head bops with one broad gets the next open seat. Sex: Biiiiitch, it's fuckin on now! Cha: What was that Dom, you want me to bop your head? Cha said, still crouched down by Dom's leg and reaching for his crotch. Dom leaves her and immediately heads over to SG. Sex: Hey Cha, wanna do me a huge favor ZaidCatDog enters the room now. Zaid: hey Cha: ZAID! Cha yells out, running up to and rubbing herself against him now. Sex: Muh'fucka. Big D: Bitch, could you stop spittin about dumb, ole muthafuckin' Texas and Johnny Manziel for one second and fuckin head bop with me?! SG slaps him and he punches her through a wall in return. Big D: Muthafucka! What! Trophy: Feels good to be the only sports fan in the room again. Someone enters the room and approaches Sex. Someone: Sexcuse me, Sex, do you know where the bathroom is here? I need to make sure my cartoon version of myself is in order. Sex: Ah yeah, it be down that-a-way opposite the soundstage. Someone: Thanks! Sex: No, thank you Someone became unnerved by Sex's use of the smirk and head towards the bathroom as Sex followed suit, trying to bop heads with her unsuccessfully as she walked off. Aya enters the room next. OMJ: Things appear to be getting not so hot and heavy down there, Jjs, but with the arrival of Aya, things could probs take a turn for the, well, hot and heavy. I would- Jjs: Yes, you would know. Big D approaches Aya from behind, trying to catch her by surprise with his bulky, hairy physique. OMJ: Ah, not a bad strategy being undertaken by Big D, Jjs. Big, toned, hairy men with an ass are pretty major turn ons for Aya. Jjs: So why did she ever do you? OMJ: Fuck you, mang. Aya: Don't touch. Aya says, Ayaro Swinging Big D away into the soundstage. Big D: Bitch! Big D approaches her again to punch her through the wall next but gets swung into the soundstage once agayn for his troubles. He sees Sex bopping heads with Cha as she bops heads with Zaid, not knowing that Sex is behind her. Sex sees Dom coming. Sex: I win, man, what's up! Big D: The fuck, yo. She doesn't even know she's boppin heads with you! Sex: Oh yeah, shows how much yo bitch ass knows! Cha: Zaid ily :wuv: Zaid: They make out. Big D: She's makin out with him now. Sex: Well yeah, cuz I told her to, ya know. Muthafuckin turns me on, nah'mean Big D: Dumb fuck, and you tell me no wonder why people think we's gay. Negispongie walks into the room now. Big D and Sex both eye her, then each other, but Big D sucker punches Sex to the side before he could make a move and approaches Negi first. SBManiac opens his seat up for someone else to take, which Sex gladly sits his ass in and just in time for his turn, playing "What Ya Gonna Do" by Lil Jon. Big D: WHAT? Sex: YEEEAAHHYAAA! Ttstats enters the room. OMJ: Bah gawd, Jjs! Ttstats be all up in this motherfucker now, and he looks just like you! Are you just gonna sit here and take that shit? Jjs: I don't see why I would. OMJ: Dude, it is proper turntable etiquette to not use the same avatar as someone else. It's like some sort of unwritten rule that should really be written. Jjs: You go on here too much. OMJ: Says you. Jjs: Says your points score! OMJ: All I know is that you need to kick ttstat's ass up out of here, like, right now! Jjs: You want me to kick him out? Fine. Jjs proceeds to kick ttstats out of Shin's room because of TIMING. OMJ: Whoahoho, better start calling you jjstheman now! Jjs: You know Jenkins, that's not a bad idea. Jjs changes his turntable DJ name to jjstheman. OMJ: Yeah, bitches will definitely know that you're here. Ttstats enters the room once again, this time appearing right in front of Jjs as he DJ's. Jjs: Bah gawd, Jenk Man! He's back! OMJ: Stubborn lil shits, aren't they? Jjs: I can swear that he's looking right here. OMJ: Well, you know what to do man. Show that asshole what's up. Jjs kicks ttstats out of the room again, but another one shows up, even closer than before. Jjs: Jenk Man, it's not working! OMJ: Jjs, you've gotta own it like you own the Community. Jjs: I don't even own the Community. OMJ: Well, you certainly seem like you do and it's a goddamn shame. Jjs: Jenk Man, I'm worried. OMJ: Worried about what? There's like two of us and only one of him. OMJ gets up from his seat and calls out ttstats. OMJ: Come on, what's up! Jjs pulls OMJ back down. Jjs: Don't provoke him! OMJ: Well don't you think you've already done that by kicking him, twice! Jjs: Because you told me to! OMJ: Peer pressure, Jjs, pass it on like the commercials say! Jjs: Oh dear Neptune, I think he's coming closer. OMJ: Come on, you're jjstheman, man. Keep a stiff upper lip! Jjs: I'm 17 years old and I'm trembling! OMJ: Who got voted best manager more times than I can count? Jjs: I did, of course. OMJ: And who was just awarded the Honorary Staff Award? Jjs: That would be moi OMJ: And BINGO was his name, oh! And now you need to lay the down and be the best goddamn Manager you can be. Nobody, and I mean nobody, steps all up on jjstheman amirite? Jjs: You're right...you're right! OMJ: Well, except maybe me, of course, but I'm everyone's special exception. Now I want you to stare that ass clown down and give him some CRAZY EYES! Jjs and OMJ turn towards ttstats. Jjs: OMJ: Yeah! You want some of these? You want some of these nuts? Bitch! Big D approaches Trophy up on the soundstage. Big D: Your show's over, muthafucka! Step up outta there. Trophy: you're not the boss of me. you can't tell me when I can or cannot DJ. Big D: Did he just do what I think he just did?! Sex: Damn Dom, I think he just done did it! Big D pulls out an SMG and aims it at Trophy. Big D: Now I done try being nice just now, but it seems like yous gotta be one dumb fuck bout it and not listen to whatever the fuck I just got done tellin you! Now I'm gon ask you nicely again, get the fuck up out of that seat bitch or I'll bust one cap in yo brass ass! Trophy: make me. Sex pulls out his SMG now. Sex: Oh no you didn't just say words! Big D: Take a gander at this bold muthafucka, Sex. Just cuz he be high up there on the sound stage makes him all high and mighty king ding-a-ling! But I don't think y'all quite know who you be messin wit here, so let me imprint it in yo head rather bluntly. Big D simply reaches up over and yanks Trophy out of his seat and tosses him hard down onto the dance floor. Big D: I'm the big muthafuckin' gorilla, bitch! It don't matter if you high up there, I can still fuckin reach! Big D plants his big gorilla ass up where Trophy used to be sitting. Sex: Big Muthafuckin' D, baby, back to where he once belonged! Just you, me, Jjs, OMJ and this testicle guy right here between us. We're like the balls to his penis! Nards: Well, blood does rush through my veins a lot of the times when I walk hard and get angry. Sex: That's the spirit, teste! SBManiac: What's going on? I don't get it. What the H-E-Double Sticks is going on here? Man, I gotta work on my music. A stray hockey puck suddenly soars over and cracks Sex in the face and knocks him off the soundstage. Big D: Yianni?! Trophy: Speaking of hockey sticks. Trophy lays another puck down and hits it towards Big D, but he catches it in his hand and crushes it into dust. Big D: Bitch, yo pucks run out now. Meanwhile on the other side of the soundstage, Jjs and OMJ are back in their seats and battered, bruised and banged up. OMJ: That karate sure is something else, mang. Jjs: You just had to provoke him, didn't you? OMJ: Most ttstats I come across usually don't fight back at you. Jjs: Thank Neptune he slipped on that ice cube when he started chasing after us. OMJ: More like when we lured him to it. Jjs: Whatever helps you sleep tonight, Jenk Man. Oh look, Big D looks to be getting things on with Trophy. OMJ: I don't think my big d will getting it on with anyone anytime soon. SBManiac: I still don't get it. Whats going on here? Where am I? Jjs: Is it still there? OMJ: Last I checked five minutes ago, it was. Jjs: So is this a look at what could've been had Supercommunity! been an actual thing? OMJ: In a cosmic, meta sorta way, yes. Waitress: Any drinks I can get you DJ's this evening? Jjs: Apple juice, please. I could down all my sorrows right now. OMJ: Fruit Punch on the rocks- WAIT, just hold the fruit punch and I'll just put myself on the rocks. The waitress puts down a big cup of ice and OMJ tries putting his head on it. Outside, Wumbo tries getting into Turntable. Wumbo: What do you mean I'm not permitted into the premises, eh? Bouncer: I'm sorry Wumbology, but no Canadians are allowed onto Turntable. SOF walks up and likes Wumbo's post. SOF: oh hey wumbo, I think my doo is in oder. SOF says, rubbing his circus Afro wig. Bouncer: Agent SOF! Right this way, sir. SOF waltzes on in. Wumbo: EH? Jjs notices SOF waltzing in. Jjs: Where in Neptune's name is that goddamn apple juice! OMJ: Goodie, we have our ref. SOF notices things getting on between Trophy and Big D. SOF: now hold up you goys, I wont this to be a god, lean fight. first one booted out is the loser. OMJ: Wait just a tick, SOF. Before we get anything on, can we have ourselves a look at the tape first? Give this episode more of the good ole deathmatch feels! SOF: make it quick ok. Trophy Join Date: January 6, 2013 User Ranking: Drastical Radical Group: Enchanted Tikis Active Posts: 5609 Profile Views: 196810 Member Title: What A Neat Little Town! Cute lil buildings, a park, games.. Age: 12 years old Birthday: May 13, 2002 Gender: Male Location: pennsylvania,usa Favorite Episode: Shanghaied Favorite Character: Squidward Big Muthafuckin' D Join Date: June 21, 2013 User Ranking: Enigma Group: Customers Active Posts: 0 Profile Views: 2600 Age: Age Unknown Birthday: Birthday Unknown Gender: Not TellingOMJ: What a neat little user! Cute lil avatar, he plays sports, games.. Jjs: In a deathmatch between Pennsylvanians! SBC's smart, strong fool- OMJ: I'm sure Cha would attest to that. Cha: *still making out with Zaid* OMJ: If she wasn't doing it Zaidcatdoggy style at the moment. Jjs: Enters this turntable room with about half a year's worth of experience over his opponent! OMJ: And what better ranking to go alongside his sports motif than being a Drastical Radical! Jjs: He by and far eclipses Big D in the posting department, bearing a whopping 5609 in comparison to Big D's big, fat zero in what is surely a deathmatch first! Also making him eat his dust in the profile views field as well by over just about 194,000! OMJ: Trophy is 12 years young, certainly not the youngest to ever compete here on Community Deathmatch, but he's down there with the best of em! And being a male and knowing just how much of a sports fanatic Trophy can be, I sure hope he's wearing a cup heading into this one, Jjs, because Big D ain't just another username, he's painted himself a big target under that belt of his! Jjs: That, he's done, Jenk Man. That, he has done! And with a favorite episode and character like Shanghaied and Squidward, Trophy ain't gonna be no pushover, no-siree. OMJ: Have you not seen the scuffles he did get into on turntable? Jjs: But not to discount Big D, with an unknown age and birth date as well as an ambiguous gender, he truly lives up to his well-deserved user ranking of Enigma! All of which he could very well use to his advantage in this deathmatch. Jjs: Aren't we gonna take a look at the Sex tape? OMJ: I doubt the muh'fucka would read this anyway. SOF: Any last requests? Trophy: Tommy Whayte likes to hurt people, for peace! Big D: Prepare to live up to yo namesake, bitch, cuz I'm takin yo entire fuckin body as a trophy once this is all said and done. SOF: then lets get- Jjs: Oh god no. SOF: wasted! Hehe. OMJ: And with that, this impromptu deathmatch is officially underway! Big D and Trophy charge each other, ramming and clashing at their shoulders, both trying to out power the other. Jjs: Just like that right out of the gate, we have ourselves a little test of strength to start things off with here! OMJ: Big D may be a, quote unquote, "muthafuckin gorilla", but Trophy is a conditioned, seasoned fan of a variety of sports, Jjs! He brings with him a whole new level athleticism here to Community Deathmatch that could prove to be very fatal to our team member if he doesn't approach this deathmatch with caution. Jjs: All very valid points you bring up there, Jenk Man. Points that you will only find making sense here on deathmatch! Big D manages to over power Trophy and back him up right into the the soundstage, ramming him through the bottom of it, sparks flying out like crazy as they go through it. Jjs: Oh dear Neptune below us! Big D has overpowered his opponent right through the bottom of the Shin Room soundstage! You would have to think that hurt the both of em rather than just one. OMJ: That's what he do, Jjs! Big D proceeds to pound Trophy into the soundstage some more, sending more sparks flying before coming out from underneath and looking up at the DJ's playing music. Big D: Muthafuckas! Gimme somethin to work with here, DJ, spin dat shit! Jjs: One smooth track coming up, Dom! Jjs begins to play "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons. Jjs: I'M WAKING UP- OMJ thumbs Jjs down the stage and takes his seat. OMJ: Get off the stage, Jjunior, amateur hour's over. Now let me show you why they call me the Ding Dong Daddy. OMJ starts playing "Lola" by The Kinks, getting some head bopping going on in the room. OMJ: I met her at my Drive-Inn down in old G.U. , where I sold spin-off rights and I peddled them out of my corolla. C-O-R-O-L-L-A, corolla. Big D turned his attention back towards his opponents, but Trophy came charging out fists flailing. OMJ: She came up to me and inquired for my rights, I asked her her name and in a bold brown font she said, "DatLola". D-A-T-L-O-L-A, Lola. Dat-dat-dat-DatLolaaaa! Buh duh buh duh buh dum bow! Trophy tries connecting some hits to Big D, but Dom manages to dodge every blow. Dom goes for a heavy hitter, but Trophy manages to calculate and catch his punch. Trophy: This is your last chance to GO HOME. Trophy warns, knocking Big D back into the tables and bar with a mighty powerful right hand that exploded on Big D on contact. Jjs: Those fists of Trophy's are finally coming into play as he knocks Big Dom all the way to the back with one of his patented Fiery Fist of Pain! OMJ: Well I'm not the world's most physical guy, but when she lunged for those rights, she tried to squeeze them out of me tight! Oh DatLola! Dat-dat-dat-DatLola! Trophy slapped on some Wander face paint, just cuz. Jjs: Dear Neptune! He's applied the Wander face paint! Surely shit will be going down yonder now! Big D's coat caught on fire and he quickly took it off of him before it could do damage to himself. Capitalizing on this distraction, Trophy charged at Big D, grabbed him and placed him in a bear hug, trying to squeeze the life out of him. Jjs: He's applied a nasty bear hug to Big D now! All the more unnatural considering Big D is, in fact, a gorilla! OMJ: Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand why she comes off like a woman, but her page says she's a man! Oh DatLola! Dat-dat-dat-DatLola! Big D manages to free one of his arms and wails away at Trophy's face, battering and bruising it, causing Trophy to drop him. Big D picks Trophy up and charges towards the turntable. Jjs: Bah gawd! He's heading this way! Big D jumps in the air, still carrying Trophy, and drives the prized trophy fighter through the turntable, breaking it in half. Jjs: Dom just slammed Trophy through our turntable with a authoritative Dominator! When the Big D enters the room, folks, you best make sure to keep your mouths shut and your legs closed! OMJ: Well we watched Nick Jr. and chatted all night, until the break of dawn's early light! She picked me up and sat me on her knee and said "old boy, won't you give me the deeds?" Well I'm not the world's punctual guy, but when I looked in her eyes, well I almost dealt with DatLola! Dat-dat-dat-DatLolaaaaa! Big D leaps into the air for a big elbow drop, but gets cut off as a fast moving black object fires up and shoots him up into the room's ceiling from where Trophy was laying. Jjs: I can't believe it, folks! Trophy's finally brought his deadly cannon into play and used it to send Big D shooting towards the ceiling right as Big D was attempting to probably finish things off with a Big Elbow D-rop! Big D falls back down as Trophy fires up his fists again. Trophy: BOW TO THE FIST! Trophy leaps up into the air and meets Big D halfway, literally as he lays in the pain on him midair. Jjs: Trophy is laying in some Fiery Fists of Pain on Dom's hairy ass! OMJ: I hit her with a rock! I put away my stock! I didn't ask for her thoughts for my cock! And I told her Disney Jr. sucked! But then I quoted her and she quoted me! And that's the way that I want it to stay, oh I always want it to be that way with DatLola. Dat-dat-dat-DatLola. Trophy punches Big D away down into the crowd in a fiery inferno from the extreme hand job Big D just got served, taking some of the random people that would show up in the room down with him. Jjs: Trophy has quite literally taken Big D down and quite possible half of the room along with him! Trophy drops back down to the dance floor as SOF surveys the scene. Big D, all burned and battle damaged, makes some minor movements. SOF: this deafmatch is still gettin on you hear Jjs: By Neptune's Spatula, Big D's still got some life in him! Trophy grabs Dom by the throat, hoists him up for a gorilla press. Jjs: Trophy's got Dom up over his head with a gorilla press! Oh the cruel irony! Trophy: Now for the last time, GO HOME! Trophy goes to gorilla press slam Dom clear out of the room, but Sex gets up at him from behind with rubber gloves on and a scalpel in hand. Sex: This is whatchu get fo' forgettin me, muh'fucka one thousand years of pain up yo ass! Sex lodges the scalpel up Trophy's butthole with both hands. Trophy drops Dom to the dance floor and jumps up in pain. Jjs: Sex has re-inserted himself into this thing! Saving his friend before he could get untimely booted from the room. Big D: Shit Yianni, I didn't know you cared so much... Sex: Damn Dom, of course I do! We's got more than a majority of these cracka's asses on SBC, man! We's real life friends, nah'mean?! We's special! Big D: I don't care if people sees this as gay man, but fuckin bring it on in here! They proceed to hug it out. Trophy: YOU TWO ARE STILL GAY! Trophy comes at them with more Fiery Fist of Pain and nails them as they embrace, creating an explosion. The smoke clears and Sex and Dom are still hugging it out in the middle of the dance floor, their unbreakable embrace shielding them from Trophy's attack. Jjs: I-I can't believe it, folks, Sex and Dom are still hugging it out in the middle of the dance floor! Nothing, not even a Fiery Fist of Pain, can break their bond! Only here on deathmatch, folks! OMJ: Girls will be boys and boys will be girls. It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up site except for Lola, Dat-dat-dat-DatLolaaaa! Sex: Now how's bout we boot dis punk brass ass up outta here once and fo all? Big D: Bitch, you done read my mind. Sex: See dat? You done used a smilie! Tonight be a good night to get fucked! Watch out! Sex discards his longcoat and wraps his chain around his right fist as well slipping on a pair of brass knocks on his left. Sex: You think you can go all up at us wit dat tekken ass street fighter shit?! Now I done played those games, man, you can say that I'm a tekken ass street fighter game "aficionado" nah'mean?! You think you hard, punk? Bitch ain't seen nothin yet! So bring it on, bitch! OMJ: Well I've been home since years before, and I've never dealt with a woman before! DatLola smiled, it seemed too good to be true when she told me "I'm gonna turn your ass black and blue!" Trophy: DESTROY! DEE-STROY! Trophy fires up his fists and goes hard on them. Sex & Big D: BRING IT! Big D grabs Sex by the hand and swings him around, the momentum giving Sex more force and range to nail Trophy with a huge kick to the head before he could come too close. Dom throws Sex head first at Trophy. Sex, with his fist outstretched, nails Trophy right in the gut. Trophy gets on his knees in pain. Big D: Now how's bout you BOW TO THE BIG D, BITCH! Big D runs up and grabs Trophy by the head, planting him face first into the ground with a running DDT. Jjs: Sex and Dom double teams Trophy, who is just reeling away from the onslaught! Trophy crawls away and reaches his cannon. Trophy: Now you assholes have done it. PREPARE TO GET SHOT OUT OF MY CANNON! Trophy fires away at them with his cannon. Jjs: Trophy growing desperate, returns to man his cannon to victory! OMJ: Well I'm not the world's most oldest man, but I know I am old and I know I'm a man and so is Lola! Dat-dat-dat-DatLola! Sex and Big D dodge one cannon blast. Big D: Strike One! They dodge a second blast. Sex: Strike two! They dodge a third. Big D: Strike three! Yo ass outta here, bitch! Sex: Wait a sec, my nigga, wait a sec! Ain't strikes a good thing? Big D: Dats bowlin, muthafucka! Get yo head in the game! Trophy: NOT IF I RIP YOUR HEADS OUT FIRST! Trophy fires a fourth blast. Sex: Bitch you ain't the only one that plays sports! Sex calculates the blast and pele kicks it back towards Trophy, nailing him head on. Jjs: Trophy's attempts at turning the tide of this match has literally backfired on him! Big D approaches a downed Trophy and grabs him up off the floor by his crotch. Big D: Sex you know what this G-Rilla could go for right now? Sex: Aww, I think I got an idea Big D: I think it's time to peel this banana. Big D proceeds to literally peel away at Trophy's schlong. SBManiac: Huh? What?! Jjs: What the Davy Jones Locker?! He's peeling and twisting away at Trophy's handle! SBManiac: What the f- What?! OMJ: Buh duh buh duh buh dum BUM! Thank you, thank you! You've been a wonderful audience! OMJ finally notices that half of the people in the room has been killed already. OMJ: Dafuq did I miss? Jjs: While you were singing about why they really call you the "Ding Dong" Daddy, we've had ourselves a match on our hands here! OMJ: Oh yeah. Big D finally stops torturing Trophy and Monkey Throws him clear across the room and right through the wall, crashing to the outside. Sex raises his and Big D's hands in unison. Sex: WINNERS! SOF: ummm I do that. Big D punches SOF away with his other hand. Big D: Don't ruin the muthafuckin mellow, muthafucka! Jjs: Sex and Dom has done it! They booted Trophy out of the room by the turntable authority invested in them by Shin! OMJ: I guess that makes Trophy a second place award or third, fuck it. Suddenly, a rather large truck with running saws sticking out of it crashes through the wall of Shin's room. Trophy is in the driver's seat, fuming. Trophy: Alright, Dirty Dan and Pinhead Larry! You asked for it! TIME TO GET SHOT OUT OF MY CANNON! Jjs: Trophy just broke back into the room with some sort of G.U.N. Truck! OMJ: Yes, Jjs, that's what it says on the picture. And he's threatening to shoot them out of it even though all I see is nothing but saws! As you can tell, I'm probs not the biggest Sonic fan. Trophy accelerates towards them, saws blaring, but Big D grabs hold of Trophy's discarded cannon and takes aim right at the truck. Sex: Shit son! The Big D is fully loaded and he's about to blast a load at yo face! SBManiac: What the hell's going on here?! Huh?! WHA- Nards punches SBManiac out cold. Nards: I'm sorry, but that was for your own good. Big D fires the cannon right at the G.U.N. Truck's front hood, exploding on contact with Trophy still inside. OMJ: Pretty ironic end for the lastexplodingguy if you ask me, Jjs. Jjs: Yes, Trophy may have had his rough edges, but he will continue to live on in each of our hearts. OMJ: Well you know what they say, Jjs, the best way to get to a person's heart is with Trophy's fist. Jjs: Yes, and what a shame it is that Trophy never got to show that particular skill off tonight. Sex: Ain't this fuckin beautiful, man? You, me, and some poor bastard burning right in front of us. Big D: Fuck, we need some marshmallows up in this muthafucka. How's bout we head back to the Wawa again after we split this place? Sex: I couldn't have it any other way man- Trophy: NOW YOU'RE GONNA GET SHOT CLEAR OUT MY CANNON! Trophy shouts as he pounces at them from the wreckage waving his fiery fists of pain. Jjs: Bah gawd! Trophy still isn't down, and this time, he's flat out looking for the kill! OMJ: The kill Jjs: Trophy sure does have a weird fixation for cannons. OMJ: And explosions. Sorta tells you something if you connect the dots. Unless if you're maybe SBManiac!!! Big D charges at Trophy as he soars at them and they stop eachother's attacks by bumping fists, creating an explosive shockwave throughout the room, almost leveling the whole place. The dust settles and both Pennsylvanians are still standing, undeterred. Jjs: Trophy and Big D's simultaneous attacks has done absolute damage to everything and everyone else except for themselves! OMJ: Typical. Sex comes at Trophy from behind and gets him in a sleeper hold. Jjs: Is he going for what I think he's going for?! OMJ: Euthanasia! Euthanasia! Trophy struggles to get himself free by elbowing back at Sex, flailing his fists, and threatening to shoot the, out of his cannon some more, but Big D lays some heavy hits to Trophy's midsection as Sex tightens the hold over him. Trophy suddenly catches Big D's fist, pulls him in and send him flying back with a point blank Fiery Fist of Pain to the face. Sex loosens his hold from the shock and Trophy forcefully breaks him off his back and neck. Jjs: Trophy will not be put down without a fight! Trophy: CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! Sex: Damn, chill out Trophy bin Laden! You know what I good for! Trophy throws a fiery fist at Sex, but he ducks it and fights back with a few punches to the gut of his own before going for a high kick to Trophy's neck, but Trophy catches him by the ankle, holding Sex up in the air. He readies a fiery fist of pain for Sex's nether regions. Sex: Aw hell nah! No no no! Don't do that to me, do that to him! He's the one packing the big d- Trophy responds by Fiery Fisting Sex up his butthole. Sex: BIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH FUUUUUUUUCK!!! Trophy fists Sex to the ground. Jjs: Oh I can't watch! OMJ: Now this, I can actually agree with. Big D attacks Trophy from behind, restraining him in place by putting him in a full nelson. Big D: Sex get yo stretched out ass up and finish this muthafucka! Sex takes his time getting back up to his feet, limping on over, jumping up and elbowing Trophy hard in the face. He pulls his scalpels back out. Jjs: Sex could be going for some emergency open heart surgery! OMJ: Neptune knows Trophy needs it. With Big D still restraining Trophy, Sex cuts into the prize fighter, ripping through his rib cage and innards before finally ripping his heart out from his body. Sex hands it over to Dom, who takes care of Trophy's body by slamming him down with a Dominator. Big D: Fo me, bitch, you done makin me all sentimental and shit! Big D takes Trophy's heart in hand. Trophy's body slowly tries getting back up to his feet. Trophy: ...M-MY...CANNON...HEAT...SPURS... Big D: Y'all should've just done stayed home and jerked off to the Stanley Cup. Big D tells him, crushing Trophy's heart in his hairy hands. As Trophy's heart exploded in crimson, Trophy's body toppled down to the ground, lifeless and seizing to move any further. SOF re-enters the room through the hole in the wall and surveys the situation, looking back at Jjs for his call. Jjs: Be your own man, man! SOF: looks good to me. He raises Sex and Dom's arms. SOF: WINNERS, SOX AND BUG D! Big D boots him out of the room again. Big D: Bitch! Get it right the first time, and you wouldn't need to go to Jjs for assistance! Jjs: Well guys, this hard fought victory here is all fine and dandy, but we still have a much bigger problem to tend to! OMJ: Haha! Much bigger, indeed. Jjs: So can we please head on over to SBM already and meet our source and ban ACS so I can go back home and play my clarinet. Sex: Fuck jjizzle, why didn't y'all just fuckin say so?! Makin us run y'all around and shit! Big D: Put your muthafuckin foot down once in a goddamn while, will ya! Jjs: Sex: Aight, we done goofed off long enough, assholes! Big D: ACS, we comin fo YOU NIGGA! OMJ: now this is what I want to hear! Jjs: Not sure if Nuggets would. OMJ: Fuck, he don't even read this anyway. sorry nuggets if you do ily SBManiac: Wait, you guys want to find ACS? You can almost always find him and his butt buddies in their clubhouse chatzy. Sex: Chatzy?! The fuck's a chatzy? Nard: Team Rage's excuse for a chat and xat. I even have the link right to it, if you want. He invites me over there all the time! Big D: Sheeit, you'll be doing us a real fuckin service. Nards gives them the link to Team Rage's clubhouse and they all prepare to click on it. Nards: What? We can't come? Jjs: This is official Community business, it doesn't concern you. Nards: But I hate him too. What, you don't think us SBMers can't stand more than you do? He and his pedo friends have been running rampant and flat out terrorizing the place for years and the worst part is, they won't ban him! Jjs: Yeah, well welcome to SBC kid, that's where we come in. Nards: Come on! Please! I just want one jab at him, please? Big D: White ass muthafucka, we ain't asking fo no assistance cuz we ain't need no muthafuckin assistance! Sex: Yeah, especially from some SpongeBuddie! Whatchu gon do? Dolphin noise em to death?! Big D: So why don't y'all just make like a pair of testicles and split! And then one of y'all contract testicular cancer and get cut off. Shin enters his turntable room, holding bags of new shoes and blazers, and notices all the mess and bodies. Shin: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sauce Mama Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Dat ending. xD 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crushingmayhem Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I agree, the ending was just hilarious. I also like how you made this a 4 part episode. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
So Sejima Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 How dare you forget the ninja turtle references which would've killed them, for shame dude, I always win with those. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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