Community Deathmatch

[Old Man Jenkins]

Five Time! Five Time! Five Time! Five Time! Five Time-Spinny Award Winning!



The following program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is entire coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein...except maybe Dylan.

...Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!

Pilot: Born This, Eh?

vs.

Jjs: Two of SBC's finest tear into and kill the living shit out of each other for the entire Community to see here tonight, on the first episode of Community Deathmatch!



Jjs: Welcome death fan!

OMJ: HUTTAH!

Jjs: And welcome to Community Deathmatch! I'm jjsthekid!

OMJ: And I'm Old Man Jenkins!

Jjs: Here to call all the heart-pounding, stomach-churning, carpal-tunneling, brick-shitting action for you tonight!

OMJ: And what an ugly-looking bout we have in store for you.

Jjs: You can say that again, Jenkins.

OMJ: And what an ugly-looking bout we have in store for you.

Jjs: Yes, we-

OMJ: And what an ugly-looking bout we have in store for you.

Jjs: Don't overdo a good thing, Jenky.

OMJ: We're already killing it, Jjs.

Jjs: Yes, and we're gonna kill it quite literally! Lets take a look at the tape.


Jjs: Hailing from Our House, Dylan enters this deathmatch with the most experience, joining SBC three months prior to his opponent.

OMJ: Yes, and at 13-years old, he definitely has the youth advantage going for him heading in.

Jjs: But Wumbo is only about 4 year older-

OMJ: Did I stutter, Jjs?

Jjs: ...And of course, both Dylan and Wumbo are a cut from the same cloth as they are both highly regarded Managers of this SpongeBobby establishment.

OMJ: Not as regarded as you.

Jjs: OMJ, you're making me blush.

OMJ: And with Dylan flying the Jellyfish Hunters flag, Wumbo enters in representing the down and out of their luck Karate Choppers.

Jjs: What happened to unbiased commentating?

OMJ: Would you just look at them, they're a mess?!

Jjs: Yes, in what is sure to be SBC's version of Crip-on-Blood warfare!

OMJ: I just realized something, Jjs.

Jjs: What is that, Jenkins?

OMJ: Dylan's birthday is two days before mine, little shit.

Jjs: Come on, Jenks. He can't help it if he was...Born This Day!...you had to see that Gaga reference coming.

OMJ: *sigh* Yes, in what is sure to be one of many. And as far as we're concerned, they're both males for the most part, so any hits below the let is definitely legal here. Lest, we have another RockGoddess fiasco.

Jjs: OMJ, save that for another episode.

OMJ: I'll keep it in my memory banks, Jjs.

Jjs: Dylan has some football experience under his belt which I'm sure will be detrimental to this fight!

OMJ: Don't forget web design, that pretty much makes you God here.

Jjs: Nothing really seems to interest Wumbo tho. Definitely a wild card going to this match if I do say so, myself.

OMJ: You know what that means?

Jjs: What?

OMJ: He's a fucking psychopath. Have you seen him post? No sense of emotion or smilies whatsoever. He was born to fight to the death!

Jjs: You can say he was-

OMJ: Don't overdo a bad thing, Jjs.

Jjs: Lets get down to the ring with referee, Elastic Dog, who will be officiating ever Deathmatch bout!

OMJ: And in case you didn't know, Elastic Dog was the presiding judge over almost every SBC Court Case that ever lived to see the light of day.

Jjs: Don't remind us.

OMJ: Somebody should make a lit off that shit.

Jjs: Don't give anyone any bad ideas, either.

Elastic: Alright you two drama queens! I want a good, clean fight! And by that, I mean lots of ball and rape. Any last requests?

Dylan: You won't be able to read my Po-po-po-po-po-pop-Poker Face, eh?! Eh, nothing else I can say.

Wumbo: Seriously, when do I ever say "eh" in an non-jokingly fashion around here? What's up with that?

Elastic: Well then, LETS GET IT ON!

Elastic backs away as Dylan and Wumbo size each other up in the ring.

Jjs: And here it is! Our first Deathmatch ever!

Dylan: Oh you don't know how long I've been waiting for this. This makes me so happy I could die!

Wumbo: Let me help you with that.

Wumbo kicks Dylan square in the face and proceeds to pound away at his face on the mat.

OMJ: What a devastating Wumbo Kick courtesy of Wumbo!

Wumbo picks Dylan up and rams him into the corner turnbuckle before hitting him with a flurry of fist combos.

OMJ: Will you look at it! A devastating Wumbo Combo is being rained down on our Director-Chief!

Dylan: You can't do this to me! I'm your boss!

Wumbo: Well, I quit!

Wumbo cries before laying more smackdowns left and right.

Jjs: Wumbo is giving Dylan his two weeks notice! Quite literally!

OMJ: I gave him a week, hell, a day!

Dylan blocks a hit and fight back with some lefts of his own.

Dylan: This ain't no Love Game! No Bad Romance!

Dylan shouts as he trips Wumbo to the mat and stomps on him.

Jjs: That is one Bad Kid!

OMJ: *shakes head* aye aye aye.

Dylan proceeds to knee Wumbo repeatedly in the balls while punching him simultaneously in the face.

Dylan: This is over between You and I.

Dylan says before picking up and pile driving Wumbo to the mat, injuring Wumbo's neck. Wumbo gets back up to his feet as Dylan waits for him.

Wumbo: Thank you for that spammy and somewhat unnecessary string of illegal maneuvers.

Elastic: They're all legal here. This ain't Canadian TV.

Wumbo: In that case.

Wumbo proceeds to kick Dylan repeatedly in the balls before gouging him in the eyes and slamming him face first in the corner turnbuckle. He continues slamming Dylan's face in until he's a bloody mess before tossing him back down to the mat..

Jjs: I'm just absolutely Speechless!

OMJ: Could've fooled me, Jjs.

Wumbo goes to pick Dylan up by Dylan bites down hard on Wumbo's hand and bites off four of his fingers.

Jjs: Egad, Man Jenkins! He just bit off his fingers with his Teeth!

OMJ: I'm gonna punch out your's soon enough.

Wumbo reels back as the blood gushes from where his fingers used to be. Dylan gets up and approaches him.

Dylan: Looks like you're gonna need a hand with that news team now, huh?

Wumbo: Touché, Tvman. I give that one a THUMBS UP

Wumbo shouts before driving his remaining thumb into Dylan's throat. He kicks Dylan down to the mat and stomps and holds him down by the throat with his foot.

Jjs: Wumbo is on the Edge of Glory-

OMJ: SHUT UP! WIL YOU JUST SHUT UP WITH THE REFERENCES ALREADY! Or by God, you and I are having a deathmatch next week!

Wumbo with a four stomp combo to Dylan's beaten face, knocking out one of the director's eyeballs.

OMJ: Another deadly Wumbo Combo courtesy of the founding father of Wumbology, himself!

Jjs: Are all his moves named after himself? Hell, he even has a study named after him?

OMJ: Jjs, everybody knows Wumbo. I Wumbo. You Wumbo. He, she, we, Wumbo. Wumbo! Wumbo-ing! Wumbology, the study of Wumbo! It's first grade, Jjs!

Jjs: That's pretty conceited, don't you think?

OMJ: And you wonder why he never wins any awards.

A chainsaw is thrown from the crowd and it lands at Wumbo's foot. He picks it up and revs it.

OMJ: You've gotta be kidding me! You don't just put a chainsaw in a Mountie's hand!

Jjs: What are you going on about, Jenkins?

OMJ: Everybody knows Canadians are master woodsman. They're all Paul Bunyun and shit about it.

Jjs: Your knowledge about America's Hat astounds me...really it does.

OMJ: Or maybe that's ice fishing? *ponders*

Wumbo takes the chainsaw to Dylan's face.

Wumbo: I'm gonna enjoy chopping you up Again Again, "eh".

Dylan spits out some teeth and blood.

Dylan: Don't worry, I Like It Rough.

Wumbo revs the chainsaw up again and is about to plunge it into Dylan's face but Dylan's Video Phone rings, stopping.

Dylan: Alejandro finally called back! Mind if I take it?

Wumbo: You should thank him for that convenient yet somewhat inconvenient call.

Wumbo says as he takes the chainsaw down.

Jjs: Boys Boys Boys! Oh, why does it have to be this way?!

OMJ: It's for the best.

Suddenly, Wumbo knocked down from the side, falling down and landing awkwardly and somewhat messily on the chainsaw. Dylan looks up to see that it's Alejandro! Alejandro! Oh oh!

OMJ: Who in Neptune's name is that?

Jjs: One of Dylan's random friends he talks about waiting for his phone call while on the xat.

OMJ: The more you know, but isn't that against the rules?

Elastic: I'll allow it!

Jjs: Screw the rules, he's got the Money Honey. After all, he helps pay for hosting this place.

OMJ: That's more than what I do for this place.

Alejandro helps Dylan to his feet as they proceed to kick Wumbo while he's down before Dylan picks up the chainsaw.

Dylan: Stand back, Alejandro. This is gonna be Bloody.

Jjs: Mary.

Dylan revs up the chainsaw and proceeds to chop off all four of Wumbo's limbs as the is covered in a pool of blood. Dylan hops out of the ring and looks under the ring for a few seconds.

OMJ: Dylan's going down under the ring! I don't like the looks of this.

Dylan pulls out a sledgehammer

Jjs: Bah GAWD! I never thought we would see the Banhammer come into play this early on in the show!

Dylan heads back into the ring and raises the Banhammer up high over Wumbo.

OMJ: Do it for The Fame! Make yourself famous!

Dylan: Returning?

Wumbo: No...RENEW!

Dylan: Prepare to be Starstruck.

Dylan brings the hammer down on Wumbo, splattering his head into a buhmillion pieces.

OMJ: He did it! He pulled off the upset! A victory for Americano!

Elastic comes in and raises Dylan's hand.

Elastic: The winner, Dylan!

Dylan embraces Alejandro as they celebrate his victory.

Elastic: Queers.

Jjs: What a bloody end to a bloody fight that went all the way to the end!

OMJ: Until next time, folks!

Jjs: I'm jjsthekid!

OMJ: And I'm Old Man Jenkins!

Jjs: Saying Good Fight, Good Night!


If you have any suggestions for future Deathmatches, be sure to post them below!
Wumbo

Join Date: January 23, 2010
Group: Managers
Others: Karate Choppers
Active Posts: 18,649
Profile Views: 2,376
Member Title: This had better be good!
Age: 17 years old
Birthday: June 19, 1995
Gender: Male
Interests: Meh.
Location: America's hat
Favorite Episode: Dying for Pie
Favorite Character: Used Napkin
Dylan

Join Date: November 1, 2009
Group: Managers
Others: Jellyfish Hunters
Active Posts: 13,254
Profile Views: 2,828
Member Title: Be The Hero
Age: 13 years old
Birthday: May 1, 1999
Gender: Male
Interests:
-Football
-Friends
-MUSIC
-Lady Gaga
-Website design
Location:In your house
Favorite Episode: Rock A Bye Bivalve
Favorite Character: Squidward

[Clappy]

I cried tears of joy. A SBC parody of Celebrity Deathmatch just screams with potential. I demand a Jelly vs Unlimitedcha match in a Representative Chairwoman steel cage match.

[crushingmayhem]

This was pretty awesome, I hope to see more.

 

Edited May 29, 2018 by Harold Claude

[Metal Snake]

BEST. LITERATURE. IDEA. EVER.

[Cha]

OMJ and jjs are the best hosts.

[Aya♥]

I've never enjoyed something so much

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

My gawd that was just beautiful <3

[So Sejima]

jjs vs OMJ. Bring it on!

[Ron]

Wumbo revs the chainsaw up again and is about to plunge it into Dylan's face but Dylan's Video Phone rings, stopping.

That's a Beyonce song that featured Gaga, would've made more sense if you said his Telephone was ringing (which was one of Gaga's most popular songs).

but good god this was amazing did you have to look up all those songs? xD

[Old Man Jenkins]

The following program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is entire coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein...except maybe OMJ.

...Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!

Episode 2: Deathmatch of the Decade

vs.

Jjs: A beloved member returns to the Community to enter the Deathmatch Arena to face his demon once and for all tonight, on Community Deathmatch!

Jjs: Welcome death fans!

OMJ: HUTTAH!

Jjs: I'm jjsthekid!

OMJ: And I'm Old Man Jenkins with a shave ice!

Jjs: Drinking on the job? That's just unprofessional.

OMJ: You're unlrofessional.

Jjs: And welcome to Community Deathmatch!

OMJ: The only lit on SBC where the drama actually matters.

Jjs: Speaking of drama, that's what we're chock-full of tonight as "That 70s Guy" Travis and "SBC's #1 Tall Tale" WhaleBlubber will fight to their grisly demise! To men enters, one man leaves. But enough formalities. Jenkins, hit the tape!

OMJ:

Jjs: Aye aye aye.

Group: Customers

Active Posts: 12,397

Profile Views: 896

Age: 16 years old

Birthday:November 4, 1996

Gender: Not Telling

Jjs As most of us may know.

OMJ: It's a fucking travesty if you haven't.

Jjs: Travis was once a highly respected admin-

OMJ: Not as much you.

Jjs: OMJ, you're too much!

OMJ: Why, he was even Main Admin until his regime was brought down by last episode's winner, Dylan, in a power struggle that surely puts Caligula to shame. Surely.

Jjs: After his dramatic fall from grace, from being one of SBC's enduring Managers to being a low income-earning Customer, more insult was added to his long list of injuries that includes a broken ankle, a dislodged and very, very unsanitary dick as SBC's adversary, WhaleBlubber, revealed Travis' bluff and exposed him as the Glee-watching little kid he truly is.

OMJ: As the tape says, at really just 16 years-old, Travis comes into this deathmatch with plenty of years of experience under his belt (hurr), as well as being a former Top Overall Poster Ever, you have to think that this will definitely go into his favor.

Jjs: And with him not telling us his gender despite us all already knowing it, you'd think that will quite surely come into play into this deathmatch. Surely.

OMJ: And on other end of the spectrum, there lurks WhaleBlubber. SBC's resident troll and mortal enemy. We might not know a lot about him, but he sure seems to know a lot about us.

Jjs: And that's saying something about someone who isn't even registered here.

OMJ: Jjs, that says a lot about us as a staff.

Jjs: But enough of that! Lets get down to the ring where referee, Elastic Dog, will signal the start of the bout!

Elastic: Alright you two. I want a good, clean fight! Ball and rape is legal! Absolutely no blowjobs! *looks at Travis* Any last requests?

Travis: Don't Stop Believing!

Jjs: Yeah, I stopped believing every word he said years ago.

Blubber: shit feces vaginal poo.

Elastic: Alright, LETS GET IT ON! But not THAT WAY, 70s.

OMJ: And one of the many death matches we've all been waiting for finally commences, as Travis and Blubber size each other for an early advantage. NOT THAT WAY, 70s!

Travis: You ruined my online life, you son of a bitch. Now I'm gonna ruin something of yours!

Travis pulls out his iPod and sets on his Glee playlist.

Travis: There's a lady who's sure! *punches Blubber two times in the gut* That all that glitters is gold! *knees Blubber in the face four times* And she's buying a stairway to heaven!

Travis jumps up into the air by hopping off of Blubber's knee before landing an elbow drop to the back of Blubber's neck, fucking up his neck all over the mat.

OMJ: That son of a bitch!

Jjs: What is it, Jenkins?

OMJ: He's ruining Stairway to Heaven!

Travis: When she gets there she knows! *kicks Blubber to times in the ribs* If the stores are all closed, with a word she can get what she came for! *stomps on Blubber repeatedly*

Jjs: This is starting to look bad for Blubber and that deathmatch just started!

OMJ: I guess Glee really does knock people dead. Seriously, look at their ratings.

70s picks Blubber up and throws him into the corner turnbuckle and charges at him only to be met with a Blubber Boot to face.

Jjs: Oh! Travis walked into that one!

OMJ: Like the time his wife, Sara, walked into him mid-blowjob with his co-worker.

Jjs: You know that was just a lie, right?

OMJ: It's still real to me, dammit!

Blubber: Oh, I know you, Travis. I know every move in your book, before you make em!

Travis: Says you!

Travis tries nailing Blubber with lefts and rights but Blubber manages to dodge every hit before catching Travis' left fist and bending his wrist back, breaking it as Travis cries in pain.

Jjs: You can add a broken arm to that long list injuries!

Blubber: I told you 70s, I'll always be one step ahead.

Travis: Fuck you, cunt!

Travis goes for one of his Bell-Bottomed Kicks but Blubber catches his leg before it can connect. He holds Travis in the this awkward position.

Blubber: Since you've had your share of blowjobs, how about a little change of pace? A handjob, from Blubber with love.

Blubber proceeds to pound Travis' testicles repeatedly for about a minute before finally letting up.

Travis: OH NO! AAAAH!

Blubber: You won't be having yourself anymore kids anytime soon. But lets change the pace even more.

Travis: Don't you dare! I'm warning you!

Blubber trips Travis's other leg and pins him to the mat with his boot. He holds Travis' legs apart before proceeding to fist him repeatedly for another minute or so.

OMJ: You can add broken balls and a broken ass while you're at it.

Travis: My babies. Ooohhhhh. Oh, future Nick and Prudence!

With his fist still lodged in Travis' ass, Blubber proceeds to raise Travis up and pounds him against the mat repeatedly before finally slamming him head first, dislodging his fist from his anus. Blubber proceeds to lock his hand that committed the deed and looks quotes pleased with himself.

OMJ: Shitty deals right there. *sips shave ice*

Travis rolls out of the ring and starts crawling up the entranceway for his life. Blubber gives chase.

OMJ: You know, I heard Travis once got sent to real butt-pounding jail for beating a Target cashier senseless for calling him a "fag".

Jjs: That was a lie too.

OMJ: ITSSTILLEREALTOME! *chugs down some shave ice*

Jjs: And 70s is crawling for dear life up the entranceway as Blubber looks to swoop in on him for the kill, in a deathmatch that has quickly gone into his favor!

OMJ: And what's this? Travis is ascending the ladder that leads right up to our commentating booth, Jjs!

Jjs: What in Neptune's name is he trying to do here!

OMJ: Hopefully not one of us!

Travis reaches the top and enters the commentating booth atop the entranceway. Jjjs and OMJ get up from their seats.

OMJ: Stand back Jjs, he got us in a confined space. There's no telling what he might do.

Travis looks through the booth for something to use.

OMJ: Trav? Travis? What are you doing-

Travis: Get out of the way!

Travis commands as if he still has admin power here, as he pushes OMJ into Jjs and grabs his shave ice.

OMJ: Travis! Travis?! Trav, what are you doing? My shave ice! What are you're doing?!

Jjs: Here comes Blubber!

Right as Blubber reaches the top of the ladder, Travis throws the shave ice into his face, disorienting him before kicking Blubber off the ladder and crashing down to the floor below.

OMJ: You're out of control!

Jjs: Travis slushed Blubber with a Big Quench before booting him right off the Deathmatch entrance way! Travis gives OMJ back his cup, but OMJ just tosses it to the side as Travis goes for a big elbow drop onto Blubber from the commentating booth and nails it, planting his elbow right into Blubber's chest.

Jjs: Bah GAWD! Travis nails the Whale right in the heart! It could be all over from here!

Elastic heads out to check on Blubber as Travis celebrates by singing some Journey, but he's still breathing.

Elastic: Don't go home to your sugar daddy just yet! He's still breathing! This deathmatch is still getting it on!

Jjs: And by some miracle Blubber is still alive and breathing.

OMJ: It's a miracle how he can still waltz into this site as he pleases.

Travis: Alright you bitch. *picks Blubber up* This is for Nick! *punches Blubber back towards the ring* This is for Prudence! *kicks Blubber back into the ring* And this is for Sara! *jumps onto the ring rope and bounces off for another elbow drop but Blubber moves out of the way, causing Travis to further break his already broken arm*

Jjs: Oooh, that might just be the end of that arm.

OMJ: No more giving handjobs for child support for a while.

Blubber gets back up and picks Travis up by his injured arm.

Blubber: Lets finish this shit shit.

Blubber raises Travis up by the throat, choking him as Travis claws at his face, desperately trying to get out of it. He claws at Blubber's nose and furiously pulls at his face until Blubber's entire face peels right off.

OMJ: I think I'm gonna have some of my shave ice back!

Jjs: Bah GAWD! He just pulled Blubber's faces right out of his head!

Blubber drops Travis to the may as Travis scurries back and looks up at his opponent. He appears shock as Blubber moves his seemingly injured face away from the palms of his hands.

Travis: You?!

Jjs: Dear Neptune below! That can't be who I think it is!

OMJ: *puzzled* Who is it?

Jjs: It's 70s!

OMJ: Wait? What?

Jjs: I can't believe my eyes! We're witnessing 70s against 70s in a battle to the death!

OMJ: Do you mind clearing this up for the majority of users here who don't have a fucking clue, myself included.

Jjs: Why, it's Travis' alter ego, Calvin Reynolds, the lie Travis created to cover up his own insecurities!

OMJ: Surely.

Jjs: Most surely, indeed!

OMJ: What kind of fool do you take me for, Jjs? He's 70s! He's 70s! IM 70s! Are there any other 70s I should know about?

Elastic is shown in the ring blowing of Dr. Sex

OMJ: I'm outta here.

Travis: You're not real! This isn't possible!

Calvin: Oh, I am real, Travis. I'm as real to you as I was to everyone else here for a long, long time.

Jjs: I said that Travis would be battling his demon, but I never thought that it would taken this literally.

Calvin: Now I'm gonna bury like you buried me. And everyone's gonna watch it happen! And I do mean everyone.

We see Calvin's wife, Sara, and their kids, Nick, Prudence and their third kid whose name I don't know.

Jjs: It's Sara, Nick and Prudence Reynolds! The family that Travis created as all apart of his sick lies!

OMJ: Seriously, some of you guys get all butthurt over this prank a couple days ago but are willing to forgive the fact that this pathological liar concocted this fake family, kids and baby included? What's keeping from not coming back to this place?

Jjs: Me.

OMJ: Oh Jjs, you card.

Calvin: Unlike you, Travis, I was something here. I kept this place afloat while you were off fapping to Glee for all we know. I was respected, people looked up to me and saw someone great. You, on the other hand, fall so short. No have at least sime dignity and take your death like a man, you fag.

This struck a chord in Travis as he pounces from the mat, tackles and piledrives Calvin into the mat head first. He knees Calvin in the chest and lays the pressure on his ribcage, cutting off some lung circulation.

Travis: You ruined my online life. Now I'm gonna ruin something of your's!

Travis proceeds to pound away at Calvin's head repeatedly with very hard rights and lefts. He continues doing this for about a minutes as Calvin's blood, teeth and eyeballs splatter out from the force of the blows to his head.

Jjs: Looks like he's ruining Calvin's perfect image.

Sara and her kids look on in shock as Calvin is being decimated. Elastic finally takes the time to stop Travis after about five more minutes of this carnage, pulling him up to show that battered, beaten mesh that used to be Calvin's precious head.

Elastic: Hold on there, Jethro! Yeah, he looks about done for.

Elastic raises Travis's bloody and battered arm.

Elastic: The winner, Travis!

OMJ: Guess that whole "fag" thing wasnt a lie now, huh Jjs?

Jjs: I can't believe it! Travis fought back from the brink to overcome his demon at long last!

Sara takes her kids and leaves the arena in tears.

Jjs: And Sara does not seem to like it one bit. Then again, does she ever?

OMJ: If it's a new daddy she be a-wanting, I could be that guy.

Jjs: Perhaps now, Travis can finally use That70sname with some dignity as he has seemingly redeemed himself for all the lies, the cheats and the steals he has committed on the Community. From lying about the death of his stepmother-

OMJ: That's just terrible.

Jjs: To lying about how his real mother died after years of fighting of cancer.

OMJ: He did what?

Jjs: To making us believe that there were complications with baby Prudence's birth. Perhaps now, he has redeemed himself and can return to the Community with open arms and...Jenkins, what are you doing?

OMJ is seen taking off his dress shirt and undershirt before sharpening up a wooden spear and smearing some war paint on his face.

OMJ: Ohohoho, he's redeemed himself alright. The shave ice I could take, but that's just crossing the fucking line! *jumps on announce table and readies spear*

Jjs: Jenkins, don't do anything I wouldn't do.

OMJ: *stares at Jjs* OOGA BOOGA BOOGA! *jumps out of commentating booth and lands on the entranceway below*

Jjs: Jenkins, don't be a goddamn hero!

OMJ charges down the entrance way before throwing his spear out towards Travis from the bottom of the ramp, soaring through the ring ropes and hitting Travis clear through his chest as he celebrates his victory.

Travis: AAAAAHHHH!

Elastic What I'm Neptune's name- BROMJ!

OMJ: E-DAWG!

Elastic:...I'll allow it!

Jjs: Bah GAWD! We have an impromptu deathmatch going on right now!

vs.

OMJ bounces off the ropes and brings Travis down with a devastating Clothesline from Hawaii, causing Travis to land awkwardly on the spear still lodged in his chest. OMJ begins pounding the ring may before doing the haka.

Jjs: Dear Neptune below, is this what I think it is? OMJ is heading to that place where angels fall after he drinks soda!

Travis gets up as OMJ pounces, grabs him by the neck, and bring him down with a deadly cutter, once again causing Travis to land awkwardly on the spear.

Jjs: THE OMJKO!! Jenkins nails the OMJKO!!

OMJ pulls the spear out from Travis' chest and positions it over Travis' face.

OMJ: Since your asshole is broken, how about I tear you another? *impales Travis in the gut* and another *impales Travis in the leg *and another *impales Travis in the neck* and another! And another! And another! And another! And another! And another! And another!

OMJ impales Travis repeatedly as blood splatters up from each lunge. He finally stops as he plants the spear in Travis' skull. Elastic surveys the damage just to make sure.

Elastic: The winner, BroMJ! *raises OMJ's arm*

Jjs: OMJ does it! He's picked up the win! A victory for members everywhere! What a death-filled treat we had for tonight! Well folks, we just about ran out of time! Be sure to tune in next time, same Deathmatch Time! Same Deathmatch thread! I'm jjsthekid! And that asshole down there is Old Man Jenkins! Good Fight, Good Night!

If you have anymore suggestions for future Deathmatches. Feel free to post it below!

[Clappy]

This is absolutely hilarious. I loved it. xD

[Old Man Jenkins]

That's a Beyonce song that featured Gaga, would've made more sense if you said his Telephone was ringing (which was one of Gaga's most popular songs).

but good god this was amazing did you have to look up all those songs? xD

Yes, I did.

[Cha]

OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!

Once again I enjoyed another one of your works. I wouldn't mind if I was in one of these hehe.

[Sauce Mama]

This one was so freaking funny!! MOAR JENKINS!

[So Sejima]

Nice job makin your character seem like he really needs anger management classes. If it really is like you, RIP me

[Old Man Jenkins]

The following program you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is entire coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein...except maybe Aya...and Jjs.

...Anyway, IT'S JUST POSTS!

Episode 3: Strawberry Fields Unlimited

vs.

Jjs: SBC's resident sweet tranvestite makes yet another return as she looks to reclaim her title as Chairwoman of the Broad from SBC's royal fool tonight, on Community Deathmatch!

Jjs: Welcome death fans!

OMJ: HUTTAH!

Jjs: I'm jjsthekid!

OMJ: And I'm that old guy who shouts senility-fueled obscenities from from his porch!

Jjs: And welcome to Community Deathmatch!

OMJ: Where we separate the weak from the more active, popular members and all that nonsense.

Jjs: That might be a little hard to do with tonight's deathmatch, Jenkins.

OMJ: And why is that? How could it possibly-

Jjs: Lets just take a look at the Tape and you can find out for yourself.

Cha

Group: Representative Board of SBC

Others: Jellyfish Hunters

Active Posts: 10,444

Profile Views: 8,828

Member Title: #Kidly

Age: 15 years old

Birthday: May 22, 1997

Gender: Female

Interests: I would hope it would be SpongeBob SquarePants.

Location: Thy dungeon, Bikini Bottomshire

Favorite Episode: The Snowball Effect

Favorite Character: SpongeBob/Patrick/Patricia/Squidly/Confess-A-Bear

Jelly

Group: Jellyfish Hunters

Active Posts: 8,623

Profile Views: 1,707

Member Title: We Are Cuddly, My Friends!

Age: 23 years old

Birthday: July 1, 1989

Gender: Female

Interests: Life, laughter, art, friends, peace and love. Beatles, Beatles, Beatles and more Beatles and Paul McCartney. SpongeBobby and Queen and music and 60's and 70's music and... jellyfishes.

Location: Pepperland

Favorite Episode: Chocolate With Nuts

Favorite Character: Mr. Tentacles

OMJ: Cha vs Jelly?! How am I supposed to choose?!

Jjs: Well, you better get cracking, Mr. Writer.

OMJ: Jjs, the fourth wall! You're breaking the fourth wall!

Jjs: Just one of many things that will be broken tonight, I'm sure! Hailing from thy dungeon in Bikini Bottomshire, the woman of many names, but for convenience sake, we'll just call her Cha, enters this deathmatch at a whopping 10,444 posts and 8, 828 profile views!

OMJ: She can't get enough of her, can she?

Jjs: She would hope that SpongeBob SquarePants would interest her.

OMJ: The fuck she better, or else I'm sending in the nematodes.

Jjs: Her favorite episode is "The Snowball Effect" and will you just look at all those favorite characters.

OMJ: You call them her "favorite characters" I call them her "fantasies".

Jjs: And her opponent tonight, hailing from Pepperland!

OMJ: Dominica?

Jjs: Yes, Dominica.

OMJ: Gotcha.

Jjs: Jelly comes into this deathmatch at a just as whopping 8,623 posts but a rather dismal 1,707 profile views. There's no doubt in my mind who everyone's favorite is.

OMJ: And by everyone, you mean Cha.

Jjs: They both fly the Jellyfish Hunter flag, an interesting turn of events here, don't you think?

OMJ: What do you want me to say, this is a better love story than Twilight? Because in all honesty, it is.

Jjs: And with an eight year age difference, this surely be a battle between the old guard and new blood!

OMJ: lol Jelly's old. "When I'm sixty-four!"

Jjs: Quite something coming from someone who calls himself Old Man Jenkins, but with her age, she brings years of experience into this deathmatch, working her way up as Fry Cook, to being promoted to Cashier, to being demoted to Consultant and Board Member to being ousted back to a mere customer.

OMJ: Yes, you can say Jelly has been Across the SpongeBob Universe! And back.

Jjs: But that's not to say Cha doesn't bring any experience to the table, either. In Jelly's recent and storied absence, Cha has since worked her way up the SpongeBob food chain, to the point where she was voted to replace Jelly as Chairwoman of The Board.

OMJ: Which makes Jelly jelly.

Jjs: Jelly's interests are life, laughter, art, friends, peace and love.

OMJ: The 60's in a nutshell! Made more so by Beatles, Beatles, Beatles, and more Beatles as well as Paul McCartney, who, if you haven't already known, was a member of The Beatles.

Jjs: But that's not all she's interested in.

OMJ: I'm shocked.

Jjs: For she has interest in SpongeBobby, Queen, music, 60's-

OMJ: THANK YOU!

Jjs: 70's music

OMJ: Yes, both of which fits under the category of th aforementioned "Music".

Jjs: And...jellyfishes.

OMJ: Jellyfishes?

Jjs: Yes, jellyfishes.

OMJ:...This is a sick community we live in! With sick people!

Jjs: Speaking of sick people, legs go backstage to our Deathmatch Correspondent, CF!

We see CF backstage with Cha for an interview.

CF: Jjs, OMJ, I'm here backstage with one half our deathmatch tonight, none other than Unlimitedcha!

Cha: Please CF, pronounceth me as SBC's Royal Fool!

CF: Well, SBC's Royal Fool, you said you wouldn't mind being featured in one of these and now here you are, being featured in one of these! What are your thoughts heading into the biggest fight of your life so far?

Cha: Welleth, young squire, I for oneth- *is knocked off to the slide by what seems like a steaming locomotive known as only as Jelly*

CF: AH!

OMJ: Whooooaaaah! What in Neptune's name is going on here?!

Jjs: It appears that things are starting up a little early, but we can't have that! CF, you bitch, do something about this!

Jelly: *beats Cha into a wall* You think jou could replace the Jelly?!

OMJ: Why didn't anyone tell me Sofia Vergara would be making a guest appearance?!

Cha begins fighting back as CF tries to get in between the two combatants.

Jjs: CF, why don't you try putting a little more effort into it?!

CF finds herself caught up in the beating as CAPTCHA Security storm the scene and separate Cha and Jelly.

OMJ: Oh, dear Neptune its CAPTCHA! Thank Neptune for CAPTCHA.

CF: Back to you Jjs and OMJ! *falls down*

Jjs: That bitch.

OMJ: Yeah, I'm shocked by Ms. Vergara's behavior here. Last time I reach out to those blowhard-

Jjs: No, it's CF. She makes me wanna wring her throat like a mop- Whoa! Wait, lost the happy, BUT THE HAPPY'S BAAACK! http://www.thesbcommunity.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/#EMO_DIR#/biggrin.png

OMJ:...And people think I'm the jerkass of this duo?

Jjs: It appears CAPTCHA is escorting our deathmatch contestants down to the ring. Lets go to Referee Elastic Dog, who will be calling this deathmatch right down the middle!

OMJ: *separates Oreo in two down the middle*

Jjs: Was that necessary?

OMJ: You're unnecessary.

Jjs: And I'm a cream guy *takes creamy Oreo side* so gimme.

OMJ: *eats cookie side* We're destined to fight to the death, you and I.

Somebody in the audience is shown holding up a "Weed The People" as they trot their way over the security and barricade and up the entrance ramp.

Jjs: What in the hell? It appears someone from the crowd has gotten past our security!

OMJ: That's CAPTCHA for you.

Jjs: And now this mystery, what looks like a, woman is now ascending the ladder to our commentary booth!

OMJ: Whoever she is, I wish she'd climb it forever.

???: Today marks the day that I, Aya, have found the Book of Sipeism buried in the middle of a forest in America.

Jjs: Wut.

OMJ: Shut up, Jjs!

Aya: Praise the lord, Ray Sipe, as he will guide you to the light. Ask your questions about joining this newly formed religion.

Jjs: What is your game, Pal? We're about to call a Deathmatch here!

OMJ: To whom I make the check out to?

Aya: Ray Sipe will gladly embrace in his arms of justice.

OMJ: I feel blessed already!

Jjs: Just get us down to the ring.

OMJ: *offers Aya cookie* Oreo?

Elastic: Alright, you two freaks! I want a good, clean fight! But by all means, feel free to get down and dirty all you want! Any last requests?

Jelly: When you told me, that you didn't need me anymore! Well you know, I nearly broke down and cried!

Cha: A tome for all your musical merriment! *takes out clarinet and givers herself an A* I am SBC's favorite Chairwoman, and not just for the moment! You took a long hike so I stepped up for the site, and now you weep about it in torment!

OMJ: Burn. Speaking of burn, what's this "Weed the People" thing you have going on here?

Aya: It's a revolution. A revolution to burn out any and all who hops over our borders. Like Jellhrio down there. And we smoke weed. *rolls one up*

OMJ: Absolutely astounding. I'll get my bong!

Cha: The Community's favorite Chairwoman is here! Hear the members scream and cheer! See the members having fun! While Jelly leaves and run! The royal fool is better at everything! Everything up your aaaalley! From posting to games, asking questions and rapes, it all comes with the territory when you live in Caliiii-

Jelly suddenly rams Cha into the map, interrupting her tome before beating her foolish face in.

Elastic: Well, lets get it on then!

Jjs: And there it is! The start to this monumental deathmatc-

Aya: Dude, quit huffing and puffing and pass already.

OMJ: Yeah Jjs, god!

Jjs: I dont want any part of this! And getting blazed on the job? That's just unprofessional.

OMJ: You're unprofessional! *puffs*

Aya: Jellhrio is getting some good swipes in.

OMJ: Good Sipes, amirite?

Aya: Don't ever associate Jellhrio with Ray Sipes again.

OMJ: I'm sorry.

Jjs: And that she is doing most indubitably as she beats control over Cha to start this bout off!

Jelly: Jou think you're better than the Jelly?! I'll show you!

Jelly picks Cha up and plants her into the mat with a PB&J DDT courtesy of The Jammer!

Aya: I didn't know Sofia Vergara was going to show up tonight.

OMJ: Inorite?

Jjs: And Jelly further shows why they call her The Jammer with that emphatic PB&J DDT!

Jelly heads up the top rope and jumps off, landing a punishing seated senton on Cha's head. Jelly booty bounces on her head some more for good measure.

OMJ: And Jelly further shows why they used to call her Just A Sweet Tranvestite!

Aya: From transsexual Pepperland!

Jjs: OMJ, didn't you used to have a thing with Jelly before?

OMJ: Who hasn't had a thing with Jelly before?!

Jjs: Screw you too, Jenkins as Jelly picks Cha back up for a Double Dip!

Jelly picks Cha up, but Cha manages to jam her clarinet into Jelly's mouth and down her throat. Jelly tries to yell out some more accent-thick obscenities, but the clarinet in her mouth crushes hope for that.

Cha: Doth thou talketh to me?

Jelly: *unintelligible accent-thick gasps for breath*

Cha: DOTH THOU TALKETH TO ME?

Jelly: *more unintelligible accent-thick gasps for breath*

Cha: DOTH THOU TALKETH TO ME??!!

Cha cries out before laying some Cha Chops into Jelly!

OMJ: She's going Taxi Driver on her!

Aya: Yes, Ray Sipe would be pleased.

Jjs: Cha with some devastating Cha Chops to the chest of Jelly! Cha has certainly turned this deathmatch around!

Aya: This is better than wrestling.

OMJ:...I love wrestling.

Cha caps her Cha Chops off by pounding the clarinet into Jelly's esophagus before landing a few punches to Jelly's stomach as the sound of the clarinet emanates through her. Cha throws Jelly into the corner turnbuckle bashes her face against it before throwing Jelly back down to the mat. Cha now ascends the turnbuckle, looking prepared to nail Jelly with her signature Chimichanga maneuver.

Jjs: Cha is looking prepared to nail Jelly with her signature Chimichanga manuever

OMJ & Aya: XD

Aya:

Jjs: What in Neptune's name are you two doing now?!

Aya: Don't Weed On Me

OMJ: *points to Jjs*

Cha: Another time for thy musical merriment! I am SBC's favorite fool! I bring merry mirth and laughter! But Jelly, you're a joke! So now you must croak as I take back my seat right after!

OMJ: *has the munchies* Whose leg do I gotta hump to get a mutton in here? I'm starving!

Aya: Don't hold thy breath. We'd be lucky if we get som White Castle by the 2012th century at the rate this is moving along.

Cha comes off the top for her Chimichanga but Jelly rolls out of the in the nick of time as Cha crashes and burns in the ring. Cha rolls around in pain and Jelly hops back up at the opportunity to kick Cha's ass some more.

Jelly: Hey Jude, don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better.

Jelly proceeds to lay some stomps into Cha.

Cha: Aaaah!

Jelly: Cry Baby Cry!

Jelly gives Cha a chance a chance to get up and allows her a chance to get some free swings in there, but Jelly manages to dodge each of Cha's hits with her lightning-fast Internet before taking many repeated jabs into Cha's face and body, beating her back into the ground.

Jjs: Jelly is back in form as Cha takes her punishment like the fool she is!

OMJ: Help!

Aya: She needs somebody.

OMJ: Help!

Aya: Not just anybody.

OMJ: Heeeelp! Doo ba doo ba Doo ba Doo.

Jjs: Will you please focus here! I thought weed was supposed to help people focus?

OMJ: Thank you, Jjs, for your irrelevant opinion.

Jjs: I-

Aya: You're welcome.

Jelly: And now for some real musical merriment.

Jelly: Help me if you can, I'm feeling down.

Jelly approaches the fallen fool.

Jelly: And I do appreciate you being round. Help me, get your feet back on the ground.

Jelly lends a hand to Cha and helps her back up.

Jelly: Won't you please, please kill meeee?

Cha tries punching Jelly some more but Jelly's lightning-fast Internet tells her otherwise as Jelly easily evades her and knocks her down repeatedly with some Clotheslines from Dominica! And another Clothesline from Dominica! And another! And another as Jelly speeds around the ring, bouncing from rope to rope in order to break snap Cha's head right off her body!

Jjs: Jelly has really worked upon improving her speed since she took her absence, and this surely shows for it!

OMJ: Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba! Uh oooooh!

Aya: Of course she's been working on her speed, how else do you think she hopped over our borders and made the mad dash into Aya's America?

Jjs: Aren't you from The UK?

OMJ: Dude, every 'Murican is, like, British brah. Toe-May-Toe! Toe-Mah-Toe!

As Jelly bounces off the road for what seems like the buhmillionth time, she suddenly trips and falls flat on her face as Cha looks to regroup.

Jjs: What's this? Jelly has suddenly fallen out of groove of things.

OMJ & Aya: bah dum tssss.

Jjs: Wait a minute here, that was no accident. Look who's standing on the ring apron.

OMJ: IT'S LIL SQUIDLY! =D Yay! Lil Squidly!

Aya: A disciple of the prophet, Oswald the Octopus, no doubt.

OMJ:...I love Oswald.

Cha: Ah, Lileth Squidly! Thou hath undoneth thyself, young squire.

Jelly suddenly charges Cha and rips her jester hat off her head to reveal Cha's carrot top

OMJ: Somebody call C-A-L-L A-T-T!

Aha: Or her mama.

Jelly: Enough with the tomes!

Jelly said, kneeing Cha in her gut.

Jelly: Enough with all that shit! You don't deserve to wear that Jester hat!

OMJ: I wish I knew what she was saying.

Jjs: Bah GAWD, old man! Jelly's taking Cha's jester hat and ramming it down her throat hole!

Jelly: EAT IT! EAT IT! EAT IT AND CHOKE YOU FUCKING FOOL!

Cha manages to get Jelly off her by kneeing her where the sun doesn't come before tossing off to the side. Unwittingly swallowing her jester hat, Cha lands some more Cha Chops to Jelly's face and and body as something appears to be wrong with Jelly.

Jjs: Bah GAWD, something appears to be wrong with Jelly!

OMJ: That might be an understatement.

Jjs: No, look there! It's Lil Squidly, and he's messing with Jelly's lightning-fast Internet!

OMJ: Lil Squidly! Yay! He's so cute.

Aya: Not as cute as Hamtaro.

OMJ:...I love Hamtaro.

Jelly has become to slow to be active in this deathmatch anymore, let alone move as Cha heads out of the ring. She digs through underneath the ring and pulls out...Maxwell's Silver Hammer!

Jjs: Dear Neptune, Cha has Maxwell's Silver Hammer in hand! Oh the cruel irony!

Cha heads back into the ring with hammer in hand.

Cha: Doth thou liketh a little rub down?!

Cha asks before hammering away on Jelly, beating her into submission and a bloody mess as she can't do anything about it.

OMJ: GET ON WITH IT CHABOB!

Cha: Jelly, you're fire-

Suddenly, the Community Deathmatch Logo Man on the top of the entranceway comes to life, in the form of JCM in a cameo.

JCM in a cameo: Get back! Get back! Get back to where you once belong!

OMJ & Aya: *takes the blunts out of their mouths before throwing them away*

Jjs: Dear Neptune, did I breathe too much of the stuff in?!

JCM in a cameo proceeds to fire that beam of light at Lil Squidly, dispatching the minuscule menace and repairing Jelly's Internet!

JCM: Get back, yeah! GET ON BACK! Get back to where you once belong!

Lil Squidly tries to attack the JCM cameo like this.

But the JCM cameo fights back with a little of this.

JCM in a Cameo's sparks manages to overpower Lil Squidly and Lil Squidly meets his untimely demise.

Jjs: I cannot believe what I'm seeing before us right now! Roll me up another joint, you two.

With her Internet restored, Jelly is back in top form once again. Cha tries to end it by taking some more swings at Jelly, but Jelly dodges it all and snaps Cha's arms in half, disarming Cha for good. Jelly picks up Maxwell's Silver Hammer and bring the hammer down on Cha's sunburned feet, putting her in place and susceptible for attack.

Jjs: It's been a hard day's night and Jelly's been fighting like a dog!

Jelly winds up the hammer.

Jelly: U jelly? :3

She nonchalantly asks before swinging the silver hammer at Cha's head, knocking it right off her body and soaring right into the arena lights above, creating a surge of electricity that causes an explosion, knocking off one of the lighting fixtures as it lands on top of the JCM Cameo because I have to get back at him for all the times he's killed me in JCMovies. Elastic surveys the heavy damage just to be sure before raising Jelly's arm.

Elastic: The winner, Jelly!

Jjs: Dear Neptune SHE'S DONE IT! She's reclaimed her title! SHES GONE BACK TO WHERE SHE ONCE BELONGED!!

Aya: Excuse me. *leaves the booth*

OMJ: *yelling down the ladder* Accept my PSN Friend Request? Maybe?

Jjs: What in Neptune's name does Aya think she's doing?!

OMJ: She's heading into the ring, Jjs! Somebody pinch me!

Aya hops in the ring and surprises Jelly with a Swagger Bong from out of nowhere before locking in the Patriot Act on Jelly's leg.

Jjs: This is totally uncalled for!

OMJ: This is totally turning me on.

Jjs: Bah GAWD! She's snapped Jelly's leg right in half!

OMJ: *splits another Oreo*

Jjs: Not down the middle!

Aya: WEED THE PEOPLE! WEED THE PEOPLE! WEED THE PEOPLE!

Aya decides not to go for the kill and simply exits the ring and heads back out through the crowd.

Jjs: I hope she's proud of herself, attacking somebody on this show without even killing them.

OMJ: A fate worse than death here at Community Deathmatch.

Jjs: Well folks, we're about all out of time! I'm jjsthekid!

OMJ: And I'm heading to Mars!

Jjs: Saying Good Fight, Good Night!

OMJ: Weed The People. *places hand over heart*

Have anymore ideas for future deathmatches? Post em down below!

[Clappy]

Another hilarious installment....and did not expect Aya to make an appearance.

[Sauce Mama]

More epic hilariousness went down. That was great stuff.

[Cha]

I don't wanna live anymore, because no post ever will be as great as this one... Aya was awesome in this. This is now my favorite post on all of SBU. I just adored Lil' Squidly helping me out there. Cruse you JCM for destroying him. Jelleh Belleh deserved to win here and I'm glad I got the chance to go against her.

[Ron]

gawd this is awesome. <3