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Previously on JCMovies

Cha: Do you sell fortune cookies here?

JCM: Here you go!

(As JCM and Cha break their fortune cookies, they read the same fortune inside them:

A journey soon begins
Its prize reflected in another's eyes
When what you see is what you lack
Then selfless love will change you back)

JCM: JCM...I think we just switched bodies.

(JCM and Cha scream. Later that day, Cha is outside of the SpongeBob Community School talking to MCJ on her phone.)

MCJ: Can we try again?

Cha: I...guess so.

MCJ: Meet you at my place at 8?

Cha: Actually, I might need a little more time to think about

(MCJ hangs up the phone.)

Cha: Gosh darn it.

JCM Walks Another Mile in Cha's Shoes

(Cha knocks on the door of MCJ's house, and JCM opens it.)

JCM: Surprise, motherfucker!

(JCM punches Cha in the face.)

Cha: (rubs cheek) So, I assume shinya wasn't able to figure out how to return us to our own bodies?

JCM: No! And it certainly didn't help that you abandoned us! But that's not even what I'm most pissed about right now! Why in God's name would you agree to go on a date with MCJ?

Cha: It kind of just...happened.

JCM: First Sauce, now MCJ! Do you want to fuck all your siblings?

Cha: Keep it down! He'll hear!

JCM: I don't give a shit! You need to call it off!

Cha: I can't! It would destroy him!

JCM: He's a fucking asshole! Who cares?

Cha: He's still my brother! Yeah, he can mean sometimes, and yeah, he's tried to kill me on more than one occasion, but he's family.

JCM: Is this some kind of Thor/Loki thing you two have going on?

Cha: Thor? Loki? Are those people from school?

JCM: Literally, have you been alive these past ten years?

MCJ: (from upstairs) Is everything okay?

Cha: Yeah, MCJ! Just waiting for you to come down!

JCM: (whispering) Fucking call it off.

Cha: (whispering) No. I'll go on one date with him, and then I'll let him down gently.

JCM: (whispering) You piece of shit. If we return to our own bodies, I'll fucking kill you.

Cha: (whispering) Thank you for understanding.

(MCJ comes down the stairs in a suit.)

MCJ: Okay, I'm ready! You look beautiful as usual, Cha.

(JCM gags.)

MCJ: Is there something you want to say, brother?

Cha: No, he's probably just choking on the air. Let's go!

(MCJ and Cha leave the house and get into MCJ's car. He drives them to a high-end restaurant on the other side of town. They pass Michael Bolton, who's singing his greatest hits, on the way to their table.)

MCJ: So, Cha, what have you been up to these last five years or so?

Cha: Oh...you know...just living my best life.

MCJ: Wow, that's great! So uh, you like steak?

Cha: No, not really...

MCJ: Waiter!

(A waiter appears at the table seconds later.)

MCJ: Steak for both of us!

Waiter: You got it.

Cha: What?

Waiter: And what will you have to drink?

MCJ: Champagne fine with you?

Cha: No, it isn't!

MCJ: Come on! Your name's in it! CHAmpagne! You need to try it at least once!

Cha: I swear to gosh, MCJ!

Waiter: I'll just get her water.

MCJ: (sighs) Fine. Get me the biggest bottle of liquor you have, though.

(The waiter nods before leaving.)

Cha: Listen, MCJ, this isn't going to work. It's not that I don't like you, it's just that...I don't like you.

MCJ: But...the date is just getting started.

Cha: And I'm ending it. Bye, MCJ.

(Cha starts to leave the restaurant, and MCJ follows her to where Michael Bolton is playing.)

MCJ: At least let me drive you home!

Cha: I'll take a cab. Also, the next time you think of calling me...don't.

(As Cha walks out of the restaurant, MCJ turns back to his table with a heartbroken expression on his face.)


MCJ: Put a sock in it, asshole.

(After MCJ returns to his table, the waiter returns with two plates of steak and one large bottle of liquor.)

Waiter: Is she coming back?

MCJ: Just give me the bill and leave me the fuck alone.

(As MCJ starts drinking his liquor, Cha gets into a cab and tells the driver to take her to JCM's house. When she gets there, she knocks on the door, and JCM opens it.)

JCM: Finished using my body for your sick, twisted version of twincest?

(Cha breaks down into tears, and JCM awkwardly hugs her.)

Cha: You were right! My brother is a jerk! I had to destroy him. I'm afraid to see what's left.

JCM: Let's just focus on getting back into our own bodies before we have to deal with any of that.

(JCM and Cha stand on opposite sides of the room.)

JCM: One..two...three!

(JCM and Cha run into each other head-first, and after they collide, they fall to the ground in pain.)

JCM: That was a dumb fucking idea. Shit, maybe you're rubbing off on me. I have to get out of this body now.

Cha: What was it that fortune cookie said before we switched bodies?

JCM: I don't even fucking remember anymore. Something about selfless love?

Cha: Selfless love! That's it! Cha...

(Cha grabs JCM by the shoulders.)

Cha: I love you.

(Just as Cha says that, MCJ walks into the house.)

MCJ: What the fuck?

Cha: Wow! That was literally the worst time for me to say that!

MCJ: It all makes sense now. Getting all my dad's affection wasn't enough for you! You had to take the only woman I ever loved away from me, too!

Cha: Are...are you going to try to kill him again?

MCJ: Of course! And after I'm done with that, I'll kill you, too! Be right back!

(MCJ runs up the stairs and goes into his room, slamming the door behind him.)

Cha: Cha...close your eyes.

JCM: What? Why?

Cha: Just...close your eyes, and try not to feel bad about what happens next.

(JCM closes and opens his eyes. Suddenly, Cha faints. MCJ comes back down the stairs wielding an axe.)

MCJ: You have no idea how many times I've dreamed about using this on you!

(JCM points an open palm at MCJ and shoots a powerful blast of energy at him that severs his right arm.)

MCJ: Ouch! What the fuck? That hurt!

(MCJ swings the axe at JCM several times with his left arm, and JCM avoids every swing before grabbing the axe, breaking it, and kicking MCJ so hard that he flies through a wall. JCM closes and opens his eyes again and looks down at his hands.)

JCM: Oh my gosh! I'm myself again!

(JCM looks at Cha, who wakes up and smiles softly.)

Cha: You did it. You broke the stupid Freaky Friday curse.

(Cha faints again, and JCM calls an ambulance to pick up Cha and MCJ, who's bleeding profusely out of the socket his right arm used to be in.)


(Cha is eating at shinya's Korean restaurant again. JCM walks up to her table.)

JCM: Would you like some CHAmpagne?

Cha: Huh? Do you sell that here?

JCM: No, it was a joke. A bad joke, but still a joke, I guess.

Cha: (nods) How's your brother?

JCM: In a lot of hot water. Apparently, he drove home super drunk and killed a lot of pedestrians on the way there. A judge said he was planning to throw the book at my brother, which is a weird punishment. I would prefer they just lock MCJ up. He doesn't need anything getting thrown at him.

Cha: You're a good person, JCM, even though you might not show it much.

JCM: Thanks. You aren't half good yourself.

Cha: I think you mean half bad.

JCM: If it's half, does it really matter which way I go?

Cha: You know, you're smarter than people give you credit for. Not much, but still.

JCM: Thanks...I think?

Cha: But your dick is much smaller than I thought it would be, and I thought it would be really, really small.

JCM: Please stop talking.

(The End)

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JCM Wraps This Entire Silly Mess Up   (The Grim Reaper walks into the Evil Underlord's office in the underworld.)   Grim Reaper: You asked for me?   Evil Underlord: We have trouble. The wife of that70

The season finale is here! Since I'm not a professional cartoonist, the animation is very limited, but hey, it's better than nothing!   JCM Graduates     For character references, see this.

JCM Meets Someone From His Past (ACS, wearing a fake mustache and beard, walks into the school.) ACS: Finally, the moment I've been waiting for! The moment I take revenge on SBC! (JCM t

JCM Gets Trapped in a Video Game

(JCM walks into the SpongeBob Community School, and Jjs immediately stops him.)

Jjs: What the fuck are you doing here? I said if you entered the school again, you'd be charged for trespassing!

JCM: Wumbo told me to come here!

Jjs: Wumbo!

(Wumbo runs out of his classroom.)

Wumbo: JCM! You're here!

Jjs: What the fuck are you up to now?

Wumbo: You told me not to experiment on students and faculty anymore, so I rounded up a bunch of old faculty members to test out my new gaming system!

Jjs: Why does it have to happen here?

Wumbo: Because I set up the rig for the gaming system in our arcade room nobody uses anymore.

JCM: Ooh, I forgot about that place!

Wumbo: Come on! OMJ and Steel are already in there! Also, Jjs, could you teach the rest of my class? Those kids get pretty rowdy when they're by themselves for a while.

Jjs: The fuck? No!

Wumbo: Thanks! We'll be back in a jiff!

(Wumbo and JCM go to the arcade room, where there is now a large machine with four Oculus Rift-like headsets connected to it. Steel Sponge and OMJ are already wearing two of the headsets.)

JCM: What game are we going to playing on this?

Wumbo: Something my friend sblover coded. It's one of those massively multiplayer online games, and it works perfectly with my gaming system!

(Wumbo and JCM put on the two other headsets, and they immediately find themselves in a lush field with different bodies, Wumbo's now that of a large viking and JCM's now that of a fairy with large breasts.)

JCM: What the heck?

Wumbo: This is how you know men designed this game.

(JCM flies around haphazardly.)

JCM: I don't like this! Can I choose a different avatar?

Wumbo: The game doesn't have that functionality yet. Sorry.

(Wumbo and JCM meet OMJ, who has the body of a samurai, and Steel Sponge, who has the body of a centaur.)

Steel Sponge: Does this horse butt make me look fat?

Wumbo: Do you want the nice answer or the honest answer?

(sbl, who now has the body of a Mongolian warrior, greets the four of them.)

sbl: Hello! Welcome to my game!

JCM: Can you please change me to something different?

sbl: Why? Are your boobs not big enough?


sbl: Calm down. It's just a game. Anyway, the war is about to start, so make sure you're all prepared for it.

Steel Sponge: A war? That sounds fun!

sbl: Well, try not to have too much fun, because if you die in the game, you'll die in real life.

Wumbo: Wait, what? Why didn't you mention that to me before I installed it in my machine?

sbl: Because then you wouldn't have installed it in your machine, silly! Don't worry. You're not the only sucker with a rising VR system I got to try this out. You'll have a lot of competition!

JCM: I'm not doing this! How do we quit the game?

sbl: The only way to leave the game is to win this coming war. You'll be fighting against several other teams of four, all looking for the same thing: this key.

(sbl takes out a large 8-bit key, which then spins in his hand.)

sbl: This is the key to the real world, and I'm the only one who has it.

(Wumbo tries to take the key, and it dissolves before he can touch it.)

sbl: I'll be streaming this on Twitch, so make sure you have your game faces on. Bye!

(sbl disappears.)

Steel Sponge: Why, Wumbo. Why would you trust a Twitch streamer?

Wumbo: (crying) I'm sorry! I thought he was different!

(The ground starts to shake.)

Steel Sponge: Oh, my god. They're coming.

JCM: I don't want to die in this body!

OMJ: Don't worry. We're not going to die. We're going to fight.

(A spear flies into OMJ's head.)

OMJ: Fuck me.

(OMJ dies.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh!

(Wumbo grabs OMJ's shield, and he throws it to Steel Sponge before covering himself as more spears and other projectiles fly towards them. JCM joins Wumbo under his shied.)

JCM: How are we going to win this?

Wumbo: Like OMJ said, we have to fight. And we're going to.

(An enemy team breaks away from the chaos of multiple teams fighting in the distance, and Steel Sponge grabs one of the spears that bounced off his shield before charging at the team with JCM and Wumbo. Wumbo kills two of the players with his sword, and Steel Sponge kills another with his spear before the fourth member of the team jumps on the horse part of his body and stabs it, causing him to neigh loudly. JCM points at the player, and magic dust flies out of his finger, turning him into a butterfly. The butterfly flies to JCM and bites him.)

JCM: Ouch! What did you do that for?

Butterfly: You turned me into a fucking butterfly!

JCM: Oh, right!

(Wumbo crushes the butterfly between his hands.)

Wumbo: They aren't shooting stuff at us anymore, so maybe they're low on weapons.

Steel Sponge: I'm not about to get close to that clusterfuck to find out.

(After several minutes of fighting, one team remains, and its members start running towards JCM, Wumbo, and Steel Sponge.)

Wumbo: Get ready.

Steel Sponge: Wait...do you see those names over their heads?

Wumbo: Holy shit! Metal Snake, Tron, Cream, and Zaid! They joined the faculty of MLP High years ago! I totally forgot about them!

JCM: Are we...still going to fight them?

Steel Sponge: We have to.

Wumbo: It's either them or us.

Tron: Eat arrow, bitches!

(Tron shoots several arrows at JCM, Wumbo, and Sponge Sponge, and Wumbo and Steel Sponge are able to block all of them with their shields.)

Wumbo: Our turn.

(Wumbo throws his sword into Zaid's chest, blocks another round of arrows, and pulls his sword from Zaid's chest before stabbing Tron with it.)

Tron: Fuck...you.

(After Tron dies, Cream uses a whip to wrap up Wumbo's sword and pull it away from him. As she runs towards Wumbo, he avoids cracks from her whip, and once she's close enough to swing at him with his sword, he struggles to block every swing with with his shield, getting cut several times. Steel Sponge engages with Metal Snake, who uses his own shield to block Steel Sponge's spear attacks while swinging at Steel Sponge with a flail.)

Metal Snake: You'll pay for killing Tron!

Steel Sponge: I can barely even afford to pay rent, motherfucker!

(Steel Sponge drives his spear into Metal Snake's shoulder, causing Metal Snake to fall to the ground and cough up blood. Steel Sponge prepares to finish Metal Snake off, but then JCM flies in front of him.)

JCM: Wait! I can't let you kill Metal Snake! We've had too many good times together at the school. We graduated together. There must be some other way to get out of this game.

Metal Snake: You know there isn't, JCM.

(Tears well up in JCM's eyes.)

Metal Snake: Just get it over wi-

(Steel Sponge drives his spear into Metal Snake's chest. As Wumbo fights Cream, he's able to recover his sword, then he wraps Cream's whip around his arm and pulls her into his sword, killing her. Steel Sponge, JCM, and Wumbo return to the middle of the field, and sbl appears with the key.)

sbl: Congratulations! You've gotten us the most-watched Twitch stream of all time!

JCM: Yes, but at what cost?

Wumbo: To be fair, Metal Snake was kind of a dick anyway.

(Wumbo grabs the key.)

Wumbo: How do we use this thing to get outta here?

sbl: It's mostly symbolic. You could have left at any time by clicking your heels three times and saying, "There's no place like Canada".

Steel Sponge: What? Goddamn it!

Wumbo: Goddamn it!

JCM: Gosh darn it!

(The End)

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JCM Saves the School from Another Deranged Former Nickelodeon Star

(Patback walks into shin's Korean restaurant, where JCM is wiping down the tables.)

Patback: JCM! I've been looking all over for you!

JCM: What do you want?

Patback: I wanted to invite you to my graduation ceremony. Everyone will be there! HawkbitAlpha, Lightning McStorm, pretty much everyone who used to be a dick but is okay now!

JCM: Even Person?

Patback: No, he died again.

JCM: Aww.

Patback: Anyway, the ceremony will be tomorrow morning if you want to come.

JCM: I definitely will!

(The next day, JCM rides his scooter to the city's multipurpose arena. There, hundreds of people are gathered for the SpongeBob Community School's graduation ceremony. Jjs walks onto the stage to give his speech.)

Jjs: It's crazy how much this school has grown in the past ten years. I would like to thank everyone for coming to celebrate the accomplishments of this wonderful graduating class. Thanks to these seniors, we finished with the highest score ever on the State Aptitude Exam. That's more money for the future, more money for the students, and more money for cocaine, I mean, more money for the students! And I would like to honor one student in particular, our valedictorian, magic the veenom! Magic will be giving our next speech.

(Magic replaces Jjs on the stage.)

Magic: Thank you, jjstheprincipal.

(Magic takes a piece of folded paper out of his pocket.)

Magic: Webster's Dictionary says

Patback: Holy shit! It's Jerry Trainor!

(Beloved actor Jerry Trainor walks into the arena and waves as everybody cheers him on.)

Jerry Trainor: Thank you! Thank you! I love to be among fans!

Magic: (annoyed) Yeah, yeah, that's great. Can I continue my speech now?

(Jerry Trainor pulls out a gun.)

Jerry Trainor: You're not doing shit!

(Everybody in the arena panics. Jerry Trainor motions for Magic to leave the stage, and he does so reluctantly as Jerry Trainor replaces him.)

Jerry Trainor: Now, I haven't been able to get a lot of work for a couple of years due to people thinking I'm "a drunk" and "unhinged".

(Jerry Trainor drinks from a flask, and when he sees a person in the audience trying to tiptoe out of the area, he shoots that person in the head.)

Jerry Trainor: Unhinged! Don't you think that's crazy?

Jjs: Jerry, please! You don't have to do this!

Jerry Trainor: Yes! I fucking do! All of you, start recording! When people see how funny I still am, they'll have to give me a new show! They'll have to!

(Everybody in the audience take out their phones and start recording Jerry Trainor.)

Jerry Trainor: Oh, yeah! Make sure you get my good side!

(An audience member sprints to the door, and Jerry Trainor shoots him in the back.)

Jerry Trainor: Come on, guys! You can do better than this! I haven't even started my comedy routine!

(JCM finds HawkbitAlpha and Patback in the crowd.)

JCM: What do we do?

HawkbitAlpha: Don't do you have some kind of anime superpower you can stop him with?

JCM: I...I can't. There's too many people.

(In Washington DC, an FBI agent walks into the FBI director's office.)

Agent: I have bad news.

Director: What is it?

Agent: Jerry Trainor is holding an entire building hostage.

Director: Again? (sighs) Do what you need to do.

(Back in the arena, Jerry Trainor is telling jokes on stage, and the audience is laughing at all of them nervously.)

Patback: JCM, you have to do something.

(JCM closes and opens his eyes.)

JCM: Nope, nothing.

Magic: Fuck this! I'm finishing my speech no matter what!

Jjs: Are you insane?

(Magic runs towards the stage.)

Jjs: Magic! No!

(Several FBI agents are in front of a door. One of them counts down to three before they all run in.)

Agent: FBI! Stop what you're doing! Oh...shit! We got the wrong Jerry!

Jerry Seinfeld: What's the deal with that?

(Back in the arena, Magic climbs onto the stage. When Jerry Trainor notices him, he points his gun at Magic, but before he can pull the trigger, a blast of energy knocks the gun out of his hand, Jerry Trainor watches in horror as JCM floats above the crowd.)

JCM: Leave Magic and everybody here alone!

Jerry Trainor: Fuck you! (crying) All I wanted to do was have a show again! All I wanted to do was...feel wanted again.

JCM: There are better ways to do that, Jerry. Please, just leave them alone.

Jerry Trainor: (pauses) No.

(Jerry Trainor goes for his gun, and JCM shoots another blast of energy at him that sends his body parts flying everywhere in a violent, bloody explosion. JCM sinks back into the crowd, and he closes and opens his eyes again, clearly upset at what he had just done.)

JCM: I'm...a monster.

HawkbitAlpha: You had no other choice.

JCM: But was it really my choice to make?

(JCM starts to leave the arena, but Jjs stops him.)

Jjs: Hey, JCM, I've been pretty harsh to you these last few months. If you ever want to come back, my door is open.

JCM: Thanks, but no thanks. I' think I've had enough of SBC for one lifetime.

Jjs: What if I offer you a teaching job? Dragiin's about to retire, so we'll be looking for somebody to teach PE.

JCM: (pauses) Let me think about it.

(JCM walks out of the arena, and then he walks back in a few seconds later.)

JCM: Okay, I thought it about it. I'm in!

(FBI agents run into the arena, clearly out of breath.)

Agent: FBI...stop...what you're doing.

JCM: I already killed him.

Agent: Fuck me!

(The End)

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JCM Goes on a Wild Kev Hunt

(JCM walks into jjs' office.)

jjs: Hey, JCM! Great job teaching PE! None of the kids have broken any bones yet, so you're already doing better than drag usually does at this point of the school year!

JCM: Thanks!

jjs: Anyway, since you have no other classes today, I wanted you to do something for me. One of our students, kev, hasn't showed up in almost a week, and as you know, our state funding comes per student, so we can't have anyone going missing that long without an excuse.

JCM: What do you want me to do about it?

(jjs takes a rifle out from under his desk. JCM gasps.)

jjs: Don't worry! This is just a tranquilizer gun. I need you to bring kev back to school, by force if necessary. If he isn't in Clappy's third period history class, we'll be forced to count him absent for the fifth straight day, which means we'll no longer be able to make money from him.

JCM: Or expand his mind with the gift of education?

jjs: Yeah, but mostly make money from him. Now, chop chop! Third period begins in an hour!

JCM: You've got it!

(JCM runs into the door and falls to the ground. When he gets back up, his lips are swollen.)

jjs: You okay?

JCM: Yeah, I'll be alwight.

jjs: Uh, make sure that you remember how door handles work.

JCM: Aye aye, sow!

jjs: You mean "sir"?

JCM: That's what I said, isn't it?

(JCM leaves the office.)

jjs: Why do I get the feeling this will be a clusterfuck?

(JCM, wearing a hunter's hat and hunter's jacket, tiptoes into the mall. He turns to one of the vendors.)

JCM: Shh. Be vewwy vewwy quiet. I'm hunting twuants.

Vender: (looks both ways) Okay?

(JCM notices kev walking into a comic book shop. He goes in after kev. After looking through the latest issue of Batman But He Kills People And Really Really Hates Muslims (written by Frank Miller), he lowers the comic book to find JCM pointing his tranquilizer gun at kev's face.)

JCM: Now listen, you awe gonna come back with me to the SpongeBob Community School, or I'll dwag you there knocked out.

kev: Fuck off, old man!

JCM: Option 2, then.

(kev ducks just as JCM shoots the tranquilizer dart, causing him to knock out the owner of the comic book shop instead.)

kev: Cool! Now I don't have to pay for this!

(kev jumps onto JCM's tranquilizer gun just as he shoots another dart, hops over JCM, and leaves the store holding the comic he was reading.)

JCM: You come back hewe, and you pay for that book!

(JCM chases kev through the mall, but kev loses him a few minutes later.)

JCM: Whewe is that wascaly twuant?

(kev taps JCM's shoulder from behind, and when JCM turns around, kev kisses him before punching him with a fist covered by a boxing glove.)

kev: Best $12 I ever spent.

(kev's punch sends JCM flying to the other side of the mall, and after he lands, he gets back up with tiny birds flying around his head.)

JCM: You haven't seen the last of JCM: Twuant Huntew!

(As kev walks out of the mall, laughing, JCM catches up with him again, pointing his tranquilizer gun at kev's face again with a furious expression on his own face.)

JCM: You could have made this easy for me. You could have just come back to the school with me, but no! You had to make it hawd for me! And now...I'll make it hawd for you.

kev: (nervous) B-be careful how you're pointing that.

JCM: Shut up!

(JCM shoves the tranquilizer gun into kev's face, and he falls to the ground dramatically.)

JCM: K-kev?

(JCM kneels beside kev, whose eyes are closed and whose tongue is sticking out of his mouth.)

JCM: Oh, no! I killed him! I killed him for skipping school! What's wong with me?

(JCM starts crying. kev opens one eye before closing it shut again.)

JCM: I'm a monstew! I don't desewve to teach kids! All kev wanted to do was have some fun, and I muwdewed him for it!

kev: (whispering) Come closer.

JCM: kev?

(JCM gets closer to him.)

kev: Closer.

(JCM gets even closer)

kev: Closer.

(JCM gets so close that his ear is right in front of kev's mouth.)

kev: (screaming) I'M NOT DEAD YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

(JCM is so startled that he drops his tranquilizer gun, and kev picks it up before pointing it at JCM.)

kev: (in bad Austrian accent) Hasta la vista, baby.

(kev shoots a dart into JCM's neck, and when JCM wakes up, he's in Clappy's third period history class.)

Clappy: kev?

JCM: (slurred) Here.

Clappy: (shrugs) Good enough.

(Clappy puts a check beside kev's name on the attendance sheet before moving on.)

JCM: That's all, folks. (passes out again)

(The End)

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JCM Un-ironically Saves a Superhero (Again (in HD!))

(JCM is in Fred's English class.)

Fred: Today, we're going to learn about irony. Can anybody here give an example of something ironic?

(dmandaman raises his hand.)

Fred: dman?

dmandaman: When it rains on your wedding day?

Fred: No, you fucking idiot. That's coincidence.

JCM: Don't swear at students, Fred.

Fred: What the FUCK are you doing in my classroom?

JCM: jjs gave me the day off teaching PE so I could monitor the other teachers and write a report for the state superintendent.

Fred: Couldn't they have given the job to somebody else? Like, anybody else?

JCM: I was the only person the superintendent trusted to write an accurate report.

Fred: Fuck the superintendent, and fuck you too!

(JCM starts writing.)

Fred: No...don't write that...goddamn it. I'm a year away from tenure. I don't need this shit.

(Suddenly, a man wearing a mask jumps into the classroom from an open window.)

Man: AAAH! I'm the Open Window Maniac!

(The students start talking to each other loudly.)

Fred: Shut the fuck up! I mean, shut the heck up! Bro, this is too hard.

(Fred stares at the man in the mask.)

Fred: And who the hell are you supposed to be?

Man: Like I just said, I'm the Open Window Manic, but you can call me OWM for short.

Fred: I'm not going to do that. Whoever you are, get out of my classroom, and that goes for you too, JCM.

JCM: Wait, the Open Window Manic? I read about you in the newspaper yesterday!

dmandaman: They still make newspapers?

JCM: You've been terrorizing open windows all around Circuit City!

OWM: (blushes) I'm happy you appreciate my work. What are you doing tonight?

Fred: Go flirt somewhere else! I have a class to teach!

(The next morning, HawkbitAlpha, Lightning McStorm, and Patback walk out of a smoothie shop together. They see Person walking towards them, and they immediately walk in the other direction.)

Person: Hey, guys! Wait up!

HawkbitAlpha: Oh! Person! We, uh...we didn't notice you!

Person: It's been forever! How have you guys been?

Patback: We've been okay...I guess.

Person: So, what are y'all about to do? I'd love to join!

HawkbitAlpha: Uh...we'd rather you not.

Person: Why not? I'm reformed, just like you guys!

Lightning McStorm: I...highly doubt that.

Person: Fuck you! I'll show I'm a good guy now! I'll...I'll bring back Superhero!

Patback: That alter ego of yours nobody likes?

HawkbitAlpha: As somebody who used to love taking on other identities, it doesn't matter who you become if who you are is a piece of shit.

Person: You're wrong! I'm going to become Superhero, I'm going to beat up some bad guys, and people will love me again!

(Person runs away in tears.)

Lightning McStorm: Person's going to get himself killed. What do we do?

HawkbitAlpha: He probably won't listen to any of us, but maybe there is somebody he'll listen to.

(A few hours later, Person is in his apartment, watching the news in a Superman costume that is clearly too small for him now.)

Reporter: This just in, the Open Window Maniac has struck again, this time at an apartment building on the corner of 4th and 8th street.

Person: Wait...that's my apartment building!

(Person looks out of his open window and finds OWM crawling out of the window of an apartment a few floors below him.)

Person: Hey!

OWM: (looks up) Hey! What's up?

Person: You're a bad guy!

OWM: Yeah, I guess I am!

(Person sees a tree branch across from him and takes a few steps back before running, jumping, and grabbing onto the tree branch.)

Person: Success!

(The tree branch breaks, causing him to fall to the ground hard on his back.)

OWM: (laughs) That was funny! Remember to close your window, or I'll be paying you a visit tonight.

Person: (crying) Fuck you!

(OWM drives away in his car, and Person forces himself onto his feet, limps to his car, and gets in before speeding after OWM.)

OWM: (notices Person in the rearview mirror) What the fuck?

(OWM tries to lose Person, but Person remains on his tail. OWM abandons his original destination and heads for the SpongeBob Community School with Person still behind him. Once they reach the school, JCM and HawkbitAlpha walk out.)

JCM: OWM? I thought we agreed last night that you weren't going to hit the school anymore.

OWM: I'm not. I hoped you could do something about this clown in a Superman costume.

JCM: Person? How ironic! We were just talking about him!

HawkbitAlpha: JCM, I think that's coincidence.

JCM: Who cares? Irony and coincidence are basically the same thing anyway!

HawkbitAlpha: They really aren't.

Person: What the fuck is this conversation? (points to OWM) You need to stop going into open windows this instant!

OWM: If you don't want me to go into your building's open windows anymore, you can pay me off like JCM and dozens of others before him did.

Person: Never!

(Person runs towards OWM, and OWM shoots him in the chest twice.)

JCM: No!

(JCM grabs Person before he hits the ground. Person coughs up blood.)

JCM: I tried to save you! I tried!

Person: Well...you failed.

(Person dies in JCM's arms.)

OWM: You...both saw him try to assault me, right?

JCM: I also saw you commit several acts of trespassing.

OWM: Touché.

(OWM gets into his car and drives off.)

HawkbitAlpha: I'll...leave you to this.

(HawkbitAlpha gets into his car and drives off. A few minutes later, jjs comes out of the school.)

jjs: JCM, dump that asshole's body in a river somewhere and come back! I don't pay you to loaf around!

JCM: Sorry, Mr. theprincipal!

(The End)

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JCM Kills a Bill

(Clappy walks into his history class with the anthopomorphic bill from Schoolhouse Rock.)

Clappy: Hey, everyone! Since we've been talking about US politics, I brought in a special guest! Bill, introduce yourself.

Bill: (singing) I'm just a bill. Yes, I'm only a bill, and I was languishing on Capitol Hill...

(Clappy is nodding and snapping his fingers.)

Bill: (singing) When a bunch of fucking assholes came to burn the place down. I was barely able to escape from all of those clowns. And that's how I ended up in here!

(imrustyokay raises his hand.)

Bill: Am I supposed to...call on him?

Clappy: Yeah, that's generally what we do.

imrustyokay: What exactly do you do, bill?

Bill: I make healthcare free for all Americans.

imrustyokay: So you have no chance of ever becoming a law?

Bill: Pretty much. 

(JCM runs into the classroom.)

Clappy: JCM, what are you doing here?

JCM: I was sent by Mitch McConnell! He told me that a socialist bill escaped the Capitol, and I needed to bring it back so it could be put out of its misery!

(The bill grabs imrustyokay and puts a knife to his throat.)

Bill: Don't come any closer! I refuse to meet my demise to the Grim Reaper!

(The Grim Reaper strolls into the classroom.)

Grim Reaper: Did somebody say my name?

Bill: I wasn't talking about you! Get the fuck out! Nobody likes you!

(The Grim Reaper leaves the room sadly.)

Clappy: Come on, bill. You're a talking piece of paper. You know nobody can take what you're doing seriously.

Bill: You're one to talk, you Hamburger Helper-looking motherfucker!

Clappy: The fuck did you just call me?

(Clappy takes out a lighter.)

Bill: Put that thing anywhere near me and the kid dies!

imrustyokay: (crying) Please do what the bill wants!

Clappy: (puts lighter away) Okay, what do you want?

Bill: I want a ticket to Canada! They fuck with socialized healthcare up there!

(Clappy nods to JCM, and JCM hurries out of the room.)

Clappy: That it?

Bill: Yeah, that should do.

(JCM returns minutes later.)

JCM: One free ticket to Canada!

(The bill snatches the ticket out of JCM's hands while still holding imrustyokay.)

Bill: Hmm...seems legit.

(The bill drops a terrified imrustyokay and leaves the classroom.)

imrustyokay: You...you're just going to let that monster walk free?

JCM: Of course not! That ticket to "Canada" is actually going straight to Washington, D.C.!

(Hours later, the bill walks into the Washington Dulles International Airport.)

Bill: Wait a minute...I know this place!

(A turtle approaches the bill, licking its lips.)

Bill: Mitch! Please! Don't!

Turtle: Don't worry, bill. You won't feel a thing.

Bill: You're lying!

Turtle: Okay...you'll feel it a bit...but I don't give a fuck.

(The bill tries to run away, but the turtle extends its tongue like a frog's and wraps it around the bill. The turtle then pulls its tongue back into its mouth and swallows the bill.)

Turtle: (burps) The deed is done.

(The turtle looks around at the people staring at him in the airport.)

Turtle: The fuck are y'all looking at?

(The End)

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JCM Begins a New Legacy

(JCM walks into jjs' office covered in bruises.)

jjs: The fuck happened to you?

JCM: We started dodgeball in PE today. It didn't go well for me.

jjs: Shit, I'm sorry. You want something to do that's less likely to end with you getting pummeled?

JCM: Sure!

jjs: I'm supposed to meet with the people at Paramount about doing an official collaboration with SpongeBob, but I don't want to, so as long as you promise not to fuck it up, I'll send you there in my place.

JCM: Oh, my gosh! We'll have SpongeBob SquarePants in the flesh at this school?

jjs: Only if the meeting goes well, so I want you to promise me you won't ruin it.

JCM: I promise!

jjs: Alright, the plane will be outside. If you don't get a deal with Paramount, don't bother coming back.

JCM: What do I do if they ask about you?

jjs: Tell them I couldn't make it due to irritable bowel syndrome. Now, scram.

(JCM leaves the school to find a plane already waiting for him. He goes into the plane, and it flies him to the Paramount Pictures studio in Hollywood, where he meets a guide. After taking him on a tour through the studio, the guide leads JCM into a boardroom filled with Paramount executives.)

JCM: Hi, soulless corporate penny pinchers! I'm JCM, and I hail from the SpongeBob Community School in Circuit City!

Executive: One: fuck you. And two: the meeting's about to start, so find a seat.

(JCM sits down, and a few seconds later, a hologram of Aquatic Nuggets appears on a stage in the back of the boardroom.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh! You're Aquatic Nuggets!

(JCM jumps and waves his hands.)

JCM: Hey, Nuggets! It's me, JCM!

Nuggets: Jesus Christ. Where the fuck is jjs?

JCM: He couldn't make it due to...uh...irregular bowling syndrome?

Nuggets: Sure. Well, since I left SBC six years ago, I've done exactly what I wanted to do: I made a name for myself, worked my way to the top of one of the biggest studios in Hollywood, and now, I'm going to unveil one of the biggest innovations in the history of innovations: the Paramount ServerVerse!

(Nuggets turns on a screen that reveals the landscapes of several planets modeled after ViacomCBS properties, including SpongeBob, South Park, and Mission: Impossible.)

Nuggets: With the ServerVerse, we'll be able to generate new shows and movies, whether it's reboots or spin-offs of the stuff you already love, or "original" works simply tweaking the formulas of stuff we've already put out, without needing to hire actors, writers, or directors to help us produce the new content, saving us shit-tons of money in the long run. Make sure you get that down: "shit-tons of money".

(The executives in the room are furiously writing as JCM looks at the screen with a concerned face.)

JCM: W-wait a minute. If you no longer have to hire people to write or animate stuff for your new shows and movies, what will happen to SBC, considering we only exist to train future SpongeBob writers and cartoonists?

Nuggets: Well, I imagine you would have to shut it down, but you've had a hell of a run.

JCM: No! I don't accept that!

Nuggets: (sighs) I wish jjs were here. He would understand. Plus, I'll be hiring him for a position with us, anyway.

JCM: What about me?

Nuggets: What about you?

(JCM jumps out of his seat in rage, and he punches the hologram several times.)

Nuggets: You do realize I'm not actually here, right?

(JCM keeps punching the Nuggets hologram until he's forced to stop out of exhaustion.)

JCM: (gasps) Did you feel that?

Nuggets: No.

JCM: Oh, well! I'm off to destroy the ServerVerse now!

(JCM runs downstairs to find two large guards blocking the entrance to Paramount's server room.)

JCM: Hey, guys! Think you can step out of the way for a second?

Guard 1: No.

Guard 2: Suck my dick.

JCM: Okay, I may be tired, but I'll always fight for SBC!

(JCM raises his fists, and both guards immediately die of heart attacks.)

JCM: Wow! That worked better than I thought!

(Suddenly, Aya appears.)

JCM: W-where did you come from?

Aya: I came from the Underworld. I just wanted you to know that the devil is on your side. I also killed those guards to make it easier for you to destroy that shitty propaganda for a streaming service nobody is going to care about five years from now.

JCM: Thanks?

Aya: No problem. Now, go in there and save SBC!

(JCM nods then runs into the server room and presses the first button he sees.)

JCM: I think that's the button to shut it down.

(Suddenly, JCM disappears then re-appears on the virtual planet of Highlandia.)

JCM: Where am I?

(Beavis and Butt-Head approach JCM.)

Beavis: Hey, old man. Get the fuck away from here. You're cramping our style.

JCM: Old man? I'll have you know I've only been a member of AARP for 70 years!

Butt-Head: He said "member".

(Beavis and Butt-Head chortle for the next five minutes.)

JCM: You done?

Beavis: You're like a fucking skeleton. I bet you remember when MTV only played music videos.

JCM: (sighs) Is there some way out of here?

Butt-Head: We built a spaceship for our science project you can use. Anything to get your wrinkly ass away from us.

(Beavis and Butt-Head show JCM to their spaceship, and he uses it to fly off the planet. As he passes the other planets, he realizes where he is.)

JCM: I'm in the ServerVerse!

(JCM lands the spaceship on a planet themed on The Godfather. He finds Vito Corleone's office and waits until he's allowed to go in. Once he does, the elder Corleone smokes from a cigar and motions for JCM to start.)

JCM: (clears throat) Don Corleone, I am lost. Somebody I used to respect has betrayed me, and now I must find some way to protect everything I hold dear to me.

(Vito Corleone mumbles incoherently.)

JCM: W-what?

(Vito sighs before taking cotton out of his mouth.)

Vito: Make him an offer he can't refuse.

JCM: (thinking) Of course! Also, lay off on the smoking. I'm sure the last thing you want to do is drop dead while you're in the middle of playing with your grandkids.

Vito: That's...oddly specific.

JCM: (laughs) Yeah, I know how everyone here dies! I think your family's cursed or something. Anyway, catch you later!

(JCM leaves a confused Vito alone in his office. He gets back into his spaceship and continues flying until he notices a planet made of water with a familiar-looking island on top of it.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh!

(JCM flies into the planet and lands in front of the Krusty Krab. As JCM leaves the spaceship, Aquatic Nuggets leaves the Krusty Krab and immediately sees him.)

Nuggets: JCM! How's it going?

(JCM runs to Nuggets and pushes him to the ground.)

Nuggets: The fuck?

JCM: Looks like you aren't a hologram now!

Nuggets: No, but I'm also not the real Nuggets. I'm a virtual clone. There are hundreds of me in the ServerVerse.

JCM: Well, can you tell me how to get out of the ServerVerse?

Nuggets: Sure! All you have to do is talk to D.


Nuggets: Deez nuts!

Sandy: (offscreen) Did somebody say nuts?

Nuggets: Fuck off, Sandy! (to JCM) No, I'm not going to tell you how to escape the ServerVerse. You're staying right here so you aren't able to mess my plans for the ServerVerse up.

JCM: What if if make you an offer you can't refuse?

Nuggets: I'm listening.

JCM: One game of dodgeball. You can choose whoever you want from the ServerVerse to play with you, while I get to play with the main cast of SpongeBob SquarePants. If you win, you get to shut down SBC and do whatever you want with the ServerVerse, but if I win, you shut the ServerVerse down forever.

Nuggets: And why would I agree to that?

JCM: Because I've got the Underlord on my side!

(In the real world, a giant, Satanic creature appears in Nuggets' office at the studio.)

Nuggets: What the fuck?

Creature: You will play that game of dodgeball, or you will die!

Nuggets: Fucking deus ex machina motherfucker! Fine! I'll play that stupid game of dodgeball!

(The next day, Nuggets enters a dodgeball arena with Optimus Prime, Kung Fu Panda, Sonic the Hedgehog, Reptar, Michelangelo, Spock, and Æon Flux. JCM enters with SpongeBob, Patrick, Squidward, Plankton, Gary, Sandy, and Mr. Krabs.)

Squidward: Is it too late to turn back?

Gary: Meow.

(Squidward and Gary immediately get pelted by dodgeballs, eliminating both of them.)

JCM: Well, that's not ideal.

(Sonic throws a dodgeball at SpongeBob so fast that it goes through his body, leaving a dodgeball-shaped hole.)

SpongeBob: Fuck me.

(SpongeBob passes out.)

JCM: You monster!

(JCM throws a dodgeball at Sonic, but he easily dodges it. JCM runs out of the arena then returns with 100 dodgeballs seconds later.)

JCM: Eat rubber!

(JCM throws dodgeballs at Sonic at a rapid pace, but Sonic avoids every single one. He then throws a dodgeball at JCM, and JCM manages to catch it.)

Sonic: Fuck!

(Sandy hits Reptar with a dodgeball.)

Sandy: Get the fuck outta here, you jurassic bore!

(Reptar leaves sadly. Patrick then hits Kung Fu Panda with a dodgeball.)

Patrick: I did something!

(Michelangelo then hits Patrick with a dodgeball.)

Patrick: I lose!

(Spock reads Plankton's mind as Plankton raises a dodgeball, and after he throws it, Spock easily catches the ball.)

Sandy: Cheating asshole!

(JCM then hits Spock with a dodgeball.)

Nuggets: What the fuck?

Spock: I couldn't read his mind. There was nothing there.

Nuggets: Makes sense.

(Spock does the Vulcan salute.)

Nuggets: Uh...may the force be with you?

(Spock shakes his head and leaves. Sandy then throws a dodgeball that bounces off of Michelangelo and hits Optimus Prime, eliminating them both.)

JCM: Alright! We have the advantage now!

(Æon Flux hits Mr. Krabs with a dodgeball.)

JCM: Shoot! Alright, it's just me, Nuggets, and our token women now.

Sandy: The fuck did you just call me?

JCM: I...have many female friends.

(Sandy punches JCM in the face before getting hit with a dodgeball by Nuggets.)

Sandy: Worth it.

(Æon Flux throws a dodgeball at JCM, but he catches it.)

JCM: Just me and you now, Nuggets.

Nuggets: I'm not letting you destroy everything I've worked for.

JCM: I'm not letting you kill SBC.

(Nuggets throws a dodgeball at JCM, and JCM spins around it before throwing a ball at Nuggets, which Nuggets manages to avoid at the last second. JCM then throws another dodgeball at Nuggets, and this one hits him square in the back.)

Nuggets: No! I...lost.

JCM: And I redeemed myself!

(JCM gets pelted with a dodgeball by Sandy.)

Sandy: You still fucking suck, by the way.

Nuggets: Ha!

(Sandy hits Nuggets with a dodgeball, too.)

Sandy: You don't think I forgot "fuck off, Sandy"? You two deserve one another!

Nuggets: Well...a deal's a deal. Goodbye, JCM.

(JCM disintegrates, and just a moment later, he's back in the server room, where two more guards are waiting to escort him out.)

JCM: I assume I won't get the goody bag they give to all of the other visitors?

(The guards throw JCM out of the studio.)

JCM: Can I at least get a flight home?

(JCM sighs before walking off. A week later, he's back in jjs' office.)

jjs: So...no deal?

JCM: No deal.

jjs: You do know this means I have to fire you again, right?

JCM: But...I saved SBC! I won the most high-stakes dodgeball game ever!

jjs: You also lost me millions of potential dollars as a ViacomCBS executive. Not everything is about SBC or your bullshit attempts to be the star of a campy sports movie.

JCM: I'm blacklisted from Hollywood, so that can't happen anyway.

jjs: It's time for you to move on, JCM. It's been ten years, and everybody's changed except you.

JCM: But...this was supposed to be my legacy.

jjs: Find a new legacy.

(JCM leaves the school. He notices the charred trunk of a nearby tree his scooter exploded into several years before, and he continues walking.)

JCM: Goodbye, SBC.

(The End)

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