Jump to content
  • Advertisement

JCMovies


JCM

Recommended Posts

JCM Kicks Some PG-13 Butt 
 
(JCM walks into Aquatic Nuggets' office and finds jjs sitting there.) 
 
JCM: Jjs? What are you doing here? 
 
Jjs: I'm the interim principal until Nuggets returns. Didn't you read the memo? 
 
JCM: We get memos? 
 
(Clappy runs into the office.) 
 
Clappy: Guys, I have great news! 
 
Jjs: You found Aquatic Nuggets? 
 
Clappy: No, but I did find a bootleg copy of Revengers: Rage of Revoltron at the Pirate Bay!
 
(Clappy takes out a Blu-ray cover with poor imitations of the Avengers.)
 
JCM: I loved the first Revengers movie! Especially the part where they got revenge!
 
Jjs: Metal Man? Captain Canada? Birdeye? Who the fuck are they? You know what, never mind. There are more pressing matters to attend to. Nuggets has been gone for over a day now, and I’m getting concerned.
 
Clappy: You said he was on his way to cash a billIon dollars before he disappeared, right? 
 
Jjs: Yeah.
 
Clappy: He probably ran off with the money and told SBC to go fuck itself. That's what I'd do.
 
Jjs: Nah. Nuggets is better than that.
 
Clappy: Nobody's better than that. Can you honestly say that if you had a billion dollars in your pocket, you wouldn't take the money, get on a plane and never look back?
 
Jjs: Well...I'd look back once.
 
JCM: Come on, guys! Nuggets wouldn't abandon us!
 
Jjs: You're right, you're right. (clears throat) How about that Revengers movie?
 
(crushingmayhem walks into the office.)
 
Clappy: Hey! It's...uh, you! What's your name, again? 
 
Crushing: Crushingmayhem. I went to school here a couple years ago. JCM, can we speak in private? 
 
JCM: It wasn't me! I don't know who urinated in the bushes!
 
Crushing: What? 
 
JCM: Nothing. 
 
(JCM and Crushing walk to the janitor's closet.) 
 
JCM: What did you want to talk about? 
 
Crushing: I have information about the people who kidnapped Nuggets. 
 
JCM: He was kidnapped? 
 
Crushing: Yes. By a group known as Team Rage. And I need your help to stop them! 
 
JCM: Why are you just telling me this and not the others?
 
Crushing: Because the fewer people who know, the better. We want to take Team Rage by surprise. Don't worry. It won't be just us. I have two old friends coming who'll help us.
 
(Shinya walks in the closet.)
 
Shinya: Shit, this place stinks!
 
JCM: Blame crushing.
 
Crushing: What?
 
(OMJ walks into the closet.)
 
OMJ: Am I late to the party?
 
Crushing: Great! Everyone's here! Time to get the old team back together...and JCM.
 
JCM: That's me!
 
Shinya: Who are we fighting this time?
 
Crushing: A group of assholes known as Team Rage. They kidnapped the principal, and we're getting him back.
 
OMJ: Oh, sweet! A rescue operation! Haven't done one of those in a while.
 
Crushing: We have no time to lose! Let's get going!
 
JCM: Get going where?
 
Crushing: Just follow my lead.
 
(Crushing sprints out of the closet, with OMJ and Shinya behind him.)
 
Shinya: Thank God! That place was cramped!
 
JCM: (panting) Slow down! My legs are too short for this!
 
(Crushing, Shinya, and OMJ run up a stairway until they reach the roof, where a helicopter is waiting for them. JCM crawls up the stairway and looks at the helicopter with disbelief once he reaches the roof.)
 
JCM: Who the heck are you guys?
 
(The four get into the helicopter with Crushing as the pilot. Crushing flies the helicopter off the roof, and he uses binoculars to see what's down below.)
 
Crushing: We shouldn't be far.
 
JCM: (turns green) I'm getting seasick!
 
OMJ: Don't you mean airsick?
 
JCM: Oh hey, OMJ. How long have you been here?
 
Crushing: Strap onto your parachutes! We're going down!
 
JCM: What about the helicopter?
 
Crushing: It'll figure out its way back.
 
(Crushing and Shinya put on parachutes and jump out of the helicopter. JCM puts on his parachute, but he's unable to jump out.)
 
OMJ: (strapping on parachute) Need a push?
 
JCM: Nah, I'm
 
(JCM slips and falls out of the helicopter.)
 
JCM: Darn my clumsiness!
 
(Crushing, Shinya, OMJ, and JCM land safely in front of an abandoned warehouse. Crushing takes out a pair of broadswords.)
 
Crushing: You guys ready?
 
JCM: Shinya, what's your weapon?
 
Shinya: The powerful martial art of shinjitsu.
 
JCM: OMJ?
 
OMJ: I don't need weapons. I'm a GODDAMN HERO!
 
(OMJ rips off his shirt, revealing his muscular body.)
 
JCM: Oh, right. And I guess I have my chiwa.
 
(Crushing, Shinya, OMJ, and JCM run into the warehouse, and they find a bunch of goons holding knives. One of the goons runs at JCM.)
 
JCM: Alright, chiwa! Don't let me down!
 
(JCM closes his eyes for a second, then he opens them.)
 
JCM: It let me down.
 
(JCM runs away from the goon with a knife. Shinya gets in between them and does a bunch of shinjitsu moves.)
 
Goon: Hah! You didn't even touch me!
 
(The goon breaks into a million pieces.)
 
Shinya: Are you okay?
 
JCM: Yeah, just a bit shaken up.
 
Crushing: Why isn't your chiwa working? It should have sensed that your life was in danger.
 
JCM: I'm not sure. I felt it coming out, but something blocked it.
 
Crushing: (scratches chin) Hmm. Have you come into contact with any dark magic lately?
 
JCM: No more than usual.
 
(Crushing gives JCM one of his swords.)
 
Crushing: Here. Take this until we figure out what's wrong with you.
 
(OMJ breaks a goon's neck while kicking another in the stomach.)
 
OMJ: Are you guys almost done? I can't hold off these mooks forever!
 
JCM: Yeah!
 
(JCM cuts off a goon's right arm with his sword.)
 
Goon: Aww...that was my favorite arm.
 
(Crushing slices the goon's head off. Another goon sneaks up behind him, but he sees the goon in time and stabs him through the chest.)
 
JCM: Teach me how to do that!
 
(A goon throws a knife at JCM, but he blocks it with his sword, then he runs after the goon.)
 
Goon: Wait! Don't kill me! I have three kids!
 
(JCM hesitates, then he drops the sword. The goon picks the sword up and drives it through JCM's chest.)
 
Goon: Psyche, motherfucker! I hate kids!
 
(To Be Continued)
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Flies Around As Some Kinda Ghost (JCM Kicks Some PG-13 Butt Part 2)
 
(JCM falls to the ground as the goon that killed him laughs and takes the sword out of his chest.)
 
Goon: Who else wants a piece of me?
 
(OMJ sees the goon and runs up to him.)
 
OMJ: I'll take this piece.
 
(OMJ rips out the goon's heart.)
 
Goon: Aww...that was my favorite organ.
 
(The goon dies.)
 
OMJ: (notices JCM) Holy shit! Guys, come over here!
 
(Crushing and Shinya run to OMJ and see JCM's dead body.)
 
Crushing: No! T-this is impossible! His chiwa should have kicked in before they got him!
 
OMJ: Don't worry. We aren't getting any more casulties if I have something to say about it!
 
(A knife lodges into the back of OMJ's head.)
 
OMJ: Well, fuck.
 
(OMJ dies.)
 
Shinya: Goddamn it!
 
(Shinya takes out a throwing star and throws it at the neck of the goon who killed OMJ. The goon bleeds to death. Shinya and Crushing stand back to back as more goons approach them.)
 
Shinya: (panting) I think we should retreat.
 
Crushing: No. Then we'll have come here for nothing. Then our teammates will have died for nothing.
 
(Crushing grabs his sword from a dead goon and puts both his swords together. He and Shinya meet the approaching goons and start fighting. Meanwhile, OMJ's ghost flies out of his body and looks around.)
 
OMJ: Hmm. I wonder where JCM went.
 
(OMJ picks up his and JCM's bodies.)
 
OMJ: (grunts) Might as well take these with me.
 
(One of the goons sees JCM's and OMJ's bodies floating out the door.)
 
Goon: What the
 
(Crushing stabs the goon in the face.)
 
Goon: Well, that was impolite! Let a man finish! Fuck? (dies)
 
(As OMJ carries the bodies out the warehouse, he notices JCM's ghost sitting by a tree.)
 
OMJ: Hey! JCM! How's it going?
 
JCM: OMJ? You're dead, too?
 
OMJ: Yeah! Surprised?
 
JCM: Not really. This is like the 50th time this has happened.
 
OMJ: Yeah...anyway, I'm going to fix up our bodies to make them hospitable to life again. Wanna help?
 
JCM: Sure! Where are we going?
 
OMJ: To meet up with a little old man I call terminoob.
 
(JCM and OMJ fly to the SpongeBob Community School and push their bodies through a window. They enter after their bodies and find themselves in the back of the media center.)
 
JCM: Hey, I've been here before!
 
(OMJ starts looking through the books on a bookcase.)
 
OMJ: Most of us have, but only few have seen what I'm about to show you.
 
JCM: OMJ! I thought you were a gentlemen!
 
OMJ: What? Oh, wait! I found it!
 
(OMJ pulls a book off one of the bookcase's shelves, and the bookcase slides to the left, revealing a doorway.)
 
JCM: Wow! And I thought you were going to flash me!
 
OMJ: Flash you? JCM, we're ghosts! Neither of us are wearing clothes!
 
JCM: Huh?
 
(JCM looks down and covers his crotch.)
 
JCM: Oh no! I'm indecent! As if I thought dying couldn't get any worse!
 
OMJ: (sighs) Let's go.
 
(JCM and OMJ pull their bodies through the doorway, and inside the secret room, they find terminoob reading a book.)
 
terminoob: Oh hey, guys! How may I assist you?
 
JCM: We're kind of dead.
 
terminoob: And I'm kind of reading the masturbation scene in Ulysses, but I guess I can take a break to help you with your problems!
 
JCM: Thanks?
 
OMJ: Come on, termi. These'll be quick.
 
(terminoob inspects the bodies.)
 
terminoob: Well, they're not nearly as fucked up as what I'm used to. Alright, I'll heal you for old time's sake. Both of you.
 
JCM: How are you going to do that?
 
(terminoob takes a book off a shelf on the wall and blows dust off of its cover.)
 
terminoob: With this.
 
JCM: What is it?
 
OMJ: It's a spellbook.
 
terminoob: I found this secret room shortly after I bought the school, and it had these ancient texts and shit right here. I spent the years after my retirement studying them.
 
JCM: That's where you've been all this time?
 
OMJ: Yeah. I was able to find him the first time I died, and he promised to bring me back in exchange for me not telling anybody else about this room.
 
terminoob: A promise you just broke, bitch!
 
OMJ: Oops.
 
terminoob: Give me one reason not to leave you two as ghosts forever.
 
OMJ: Because the school needs us!
 
terminoob: What do you mean?
 
OMJ: Some asshole kidnapped our principal, and we were able to track him down, but we got killed while we were fighting his henchmen.
 
terminoob: (stares at JCM) That kid was fighting henchmen? No wonder he died. You're better at holding your own, OMJ, despite current circumstances, but you shouldn't have brought him into it.
 
JCM: Hey! I'll have you know that I, or my body, has the chiwa, even though it doesn't work anymore.
 
terminoob: The chiwa?
 
(terminoob puts his hand on the forehead of JCM's body.)
 
terminoob: I read about this. Yeah, the chiwa's still in there, but something's blocking it.
 
(terminoob opens the spellbook, flips through the pages, then stops.)
 
terminoob: This should reverse the effects of any dark magic.
 
(terminoob puts both of his hands over JCM's body and recites a chant. When he's finished, he goes back to the spellbook and flips to another page.)
 
terminoob: This will heal your bodies.
 
(terminoob puts a hand on OMJ's body and a hand on JCM's body. He recites another chant, and their wounds magically heal.)
 
OMJ: Awesome!
 
(OMJ dives back into his body, and JCM steps into his.)
 
JCM: (stretches) Ah, to be clothed again!
 
OMJ: Let's go back to the warehouse.
 
JCM: Wait, terminoob! You said you read about my chiwa?
 
terminoob: Yeah.
 
JCM: Do you know how I can control it?
 
terminoob: Just say dengen o ireru, and you should be in ass-kicking mode before you know it.
 
JCM: Really? (sticks out hand) Dengen o ireru!
 
(A beam shoots out of JCM's hand, and it goes straight through OMJ's chest, killing him.)
 
JCM: Oops.
 
terminoob: (sighs) I'll take care of it.
 
(Meanwhile, at the warehouse, Crushing and Shinya are kneeling on the ground, drenched in blood and sweat, with the bodies of goons all round them. ACS, Patback, and Person walk into the warehouse holding McDonald's takeout bags.)
 
Person: Holy shit.
 
Patback: Our minions!
 
ACS: (looking in the bag) I think they forgot our ketchup! (looks up) And yeah, our minions.
 
(Crushing and Shinya turn to each other and smile.)
 
Crushing: Ready for some Tarantino-style revenge?
 
Shinya: You bet I am.
 
(To Be Continued)
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Uncovers the Truth About Team Rage (JCM Kicks Some PG-13 Butt Part 3)
 
(Shinya and Crushing jump towards ACS, Patback, and Person with their weapons raised.)
 
Patback: Wait!
 
(Shinya and Crushing stop in mid-air.)
 
Person: Cool!
 
Patback: Don't you want to talk about this first?
 
Shinya: Not really.
 
Patback: But if you kill us now, you'll never find out where Nuggets is.
 
Crushing: Good point.
 
(Crushing and Shinya lower their weapons and drop to the floor.)
 
Shinya: Alright, spill it.
 
Patback: Nuggets is... (pulls out a bazooka) In yo mom!
 
Shinya: Where the fuck did he get a bazooka?
 
Crushing: Run!
 
(Shinya and Crushing run in opposite directions as Patback shoots a rocket at them. The rocket explodes, leaving a gaping hole in the wall.)
 
ACS: Shit! This place was rented!
 
Patback: That's the last thing we need to worry about! Come on!
 
(ACS, Patback, and Person turn around to leave the warehouse, but they're blocked by a newly-resurrected JCM and OMJ.)
 
JCM: Going somewhere?
 
(ACS slaps OMJ with his Happy Meal, and OMJ picks him up by the neck.)
 
Patback: I could have told you that was a bad idea.
 
OMJ: Where's Nuggets?
 
ACS: I really don't know what you're talking a-
 
(OMJ squeezes ACS's neck.)
 
OMJ: Want me to squeeze harder?
 
ACS: (choking) He's in the basement!
 
(OMJ lets go of ACS's neck.)
 
JCM: Hey, Person. Why are you here?
 
Person: I'm with Team Rage.
 
Patback: Still not calling it that.
 
ACS: (breathing heavily) Fuck you, Patback!
 
(Crushing and Shinya join JCM and OMJ.)
 
Shinya: How are you two alive?
 
OMJ: We're goddamn heroes, that's how! Do you guys know where the basement is?
 
Crushing: Yeah. JCM, watch those three. Make sure they don't get away.
 
JCM: Got it.
 
OMJ: Wow! Look at that hole in the wall! What was that from, a bazooka? Why didn't your minions have weapons that cool? Or guns, even?
 
Patback: Minions with guns are a lot more expensive than wannabe ninjas with knives. We're on a budget, you know.
 
(JCM handcuffs Patback to ACS, ACS to Person, and Person to himself.)
 
JCM: You're all under citizen's arrest! I've always wanted to say that.
 
(Crushing, Shinya, and OMJ go into the warehouse's basement. JCM grabs fries from ACS's Happy Meal.)
 
ACS: Hey!
 
JCM: What's this Team Rage thing about, anyway?
 
Person: We're going to destroy SBC!
 
Patback: Am I the only person here who can keep secrets?
 
ACS: Hey! That muscular guy was going to snap my neck!
 
JCM: You want to destroy SBC, Person? Why would you do that?
 
Person: Because I hate it?
 
JCM: Hurting me is one thing, but hurting SBC is going too far! You're officially on notice, Person! You're officially on notice!
 
Person: (shrugs) Okay. I never really liked you that much, anyway.
 
JCM: Take...that...back!
 
(Crushing, Shinya, and OMJ return from the basement with Aquatic Nuggets and two men in suits.)
 
AN: Thank Yeezy somebody came.
 
Man in suit 1: Does this mean we're unemployed again?
 
Man in suit 2: Yes, Man in suit 1!
 
Man in suit 1: We have some shitty names.
 
Crushing: JCM, I found something that might be of interest to you in the basement.
 
(Crushing throws an empty bottle to JCM, and it hits JCM in the head.)
 
JCM: Ow!
 
Crushing: Sorry.
 
(JCM picks up the bottle, and he reads the label.)
 
JCM: Magic Potion #23346?
 
(JCM closes and opens his eyes.)
 
JCM: This is the potion that took my chiwa away from me.
 
ACS: Hey, I remember when that was a thing!
 
Shinya: Say another word and I'll star you in the neck, bitch!
 
ACS: You are violent.
 
JCM: I saw a bottle like this before. It was in a fragrance shop belonging to...Sara.
 
(JCM closes and opens his eyes again.)
 
Shinya: Motherfucking shit! Who's Sara?
 
Crushing: The widow of that70sguy!
 
Shinya: Motherfucking shit! Who's that70sguy?
 
Patback: They found us out! Let's get out of here!
 
Person: But we're handcuffed!
 
Patback: I guess the idiot is coming with us, then!
 
JCM: Hey, you shouldn't talk about Prince Dark that way!
 
ACS: (blushes) You remembered.
 
(Patback rolls his eyes and takes ACS, Person, and JCM with him to a truck.)
 
Shinya: Oh no, you don't!
 
(Shinya throws a star into each of the truck's tires, causing it to go flat.)
 
Patback: Fuck!
 
(JCM unlocks his own handcuffs, then he re-handcuffs ACS, Patback, and Person to the truck.)
 
JCM: I did something useful!
 
Crushing: Congratulations, JCM. So tell me, Team Rage. What's Sara's role in all this?
 
Patback: You'll never know!
 
ACS: She's been running this operation since the beginning. Brought us all together. Said she had a plan to take SBC down once and for all.
 
Patback: ACS!
 
ACS: It's over, bro! I might as well get some good karma points while I can!
 
OMJ: What did Sara want with you, Nugs?
 
AN: I don't know. I don't even remember seeing Sara. The whole experience is a blur.
 
(Crushing puts his hand on the back of Aquatic Nuggets' head and feels bumps all over it.)
 
Crushing: She must have done a number on you.
 
AN: I'm just glad to be out of there.
 
Shinya: (points to ACS, Patback, and Person) You three are going to the penitentiary! Hope you like prison dick!
 
ACS: I don't like prison dick! Please don't send us away!
 
OMJ: Should have thought about that before you chose to be assholes!
 
(OMJ, JCM, Crushing, Shinya, and Aquatic Nuggets walk away from the truck as ACS, Patback, and Person try to chew through their handcuffs.)
 
JCM: We're taking the helicopter back?
 
Crushing: (smiles) Bitch, you know we are.
 
(The End)
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Parties Like It's His Birthday
 
(Aquatic Nuggets walks into his office, and when he turns on the light, he sees the entire staff holding a cake.)
 
Staff: Welcome back, Principal Nuggets!
 
AN: Wow. You guys did this for me?
 
JCM: Yeah, we just wanted to show you how much we appreciate you.
 
hilaryfan80: (gives Aquatic Nuggets a fork) Try out the cake! It's my own recipe.
 
AN: (eats a piece of cake) Mmm. That's definitely food.
 
hilaryfan80: I made it without gluten or sugar!
 
AN: That must be why it tastes like shit. Thanks for doing this, guys.
 
Wumbo: No problem! Also, I hope you don't mind, but I used your computer while you were gone.
 
AN: (sits at his desk) I don't mind.
 
(Aquatic Nuggets boots up his computer.)
 
Jjs: It's great you're finally back, man. There's no one I'd rather give the reins of the school back to.
 
Dylan: Besides me, right?
 
Jjs: There's no one I'd rather give the reins of the school back to.
 
AN: What the fuck, Wumbo? Why would you look up cripple porn?
 
Wumbo: In my defense, I didn't know the first thing you'd do when you opened your browser was look up your search history.
 
AN: You bookmarked that shit!
 
Wumbo: In my defense, I was high.
 
AN: (sighs) It doesn't matter. I'm retiring, anyway.
 
JCM: What? You're retiring?
 
AN: Yeah, getting kidnapped by those assholes really made me rethink my life. I don't want to work at this school forever. I want to make a name for myself! Travel the world! Have you ever fucked an Australian chick, JCM?
 
JCM: N-no.
 
AN: Me, neither! And that has to change!
 
Teenj: This welcome back party just became a goodbye party, and just doing it in the office won't cut it! Tonight at my house! You're all invited.
 
JCM: Even me?
 
Teenj: Even you, JCM. We aren't students anymore. We're coworkers. Friends, even.
 
JCM: (sniffs) I think I'm going to cry.
 
SG: Teenj, it's my house, too. Don't you think you should ask permission before whoring it out?
 
Teenj: Come on, it's Nuggets! It's the least he deserves.
 
SG: Fine, whatever. But if they break my new china, your ass is grass.
(Teenj gulps.)
 
AN: Well, I guess it's settled, then. My going-away party is tonight at Teenj's!
 
(The staff cheers. As they walk out of the office, JCM gets stopped by Crushing.)
 
Crushing: JCM, have you stopped by Sara's shop yet?
 
JCM: Nah, I'll do it later.
 
Crushing: Later? We have to figure out what she's up to now!
 
JCM: Can't we take a break from all this? I was just invited to a teenj12 party! Do you know how famous teenj12 parties are?
 
Crushing: JCM, this is serious shit.
 
JCM: And I'll be serious tomorrow. Today, though, I'm having fun!
 
(JCM runs out of the school and into the mall. He buys a tuxedo and looks at himself in the mirror.)
 
JCM: (deep voice) You are looking fly, honey. (regular voice) Oh, stop!
 
(JCM walks into a bookstore and buys the book "How to Behave At Parties". He looks at a nearby clock, which says 4:00. He opens the book, and when he's finished reading, the clock says 8:00.)
 
JCM: Oh, fecal matter! I'll be late!
 
(JCM throws the book into a dumpster and runs to Teenj's house. When he gets there, the house is packed.)
 
Teenj: JCM! Glad you made it!
 
JCM: Thank you for inviting me into your home, Mr. 12.
 
Teenj: Uh, okay.
 
JCM: I assure you I'll be a very cordial guest.
 
(CDCB approaches JCM and teenj.)
 
CDCB: Hey, guys! Wanna hear a joke?
 
Teenj: Fuck no!
 
JCM: I'd rather not.
 
CDCB: I'll take that as a yes. Knock knock.
 
JCM: Who's there?
 
CDCB: Hookers.
 
JCM: Hookers who?
 
CDCB: Hoo-kers if I don't have a punchline?
 
(Teenj vomits.)
 
CDCB: Get it? Hoo-kers? Who cares? It's a play on words!
 
Teenj: (holds out hand) Yes. I get it.
 
JCM: I found that a most disturbing joke.
 
CDCB: Everyone's a critic!
 
(CDCB walks into another room.)
 
Teenj: Remember the last time you were at one of my parties?
 
JCM: I do remember our last meeting. It was quite the intriging affair.
 
Teenj: (laughs) Intriguing affair? Sara's water broke and we had to deliver her baby at the party! It was insane!
 
JCM: "Insane" would be an accurate word to describe it, yes.
 
Teenj: Whatever happened to Sara? I heard she hasn't done much since 70s died.
 
JCM: I'm not sure. Pardon me for cutting this discussion short, but where are the refreshments, I may ask?
 
Teenj: They're in the back. You don't have to pad everything you say with all the formalities, you know.
 
JCM: Of course.
 
(JCM walks to a punch bowl and scoops some of the punch into a cup with a ladle. He looks at the cup suspiciously.)
 
Voice: It's not spiked, you know.
 
(JCM turns around and sees Aquatic Nuggets standing behind him.)
 
AN: Hey, JCM.
 
JCM: Mr. Nuggets! I'm sorry. I didn't see you there.
 
AN: It's okay. What's up?
 
JCM: Do you mean what's up like how am I doing or what's up in a general way requiring no detailed response? The book said I'd know when I see it but I'm seeing it and I still don't know.
 
AN: Calm down. You can't learn how to party from a book.
 
JCM: Worst five bucks I ever spent.
 
AN: You can only learn how to party from partying, so let your hair down and enjoy the moment.
 
JCM: I don't have hair. Wait.
 
(JCM closes and opens his eyes.)
 
JCM: Hair. The hair salon. One of the bottles in Patty Sponge's hair salon were from Sara's shop!
 
(JCM closes and opens his eyes again.)
 
AN: That was weird. I like it. Keep doing what you're doing, bro. (walks away)
 
JCM: (sniffs) He called me "bro". This is the greatest day of my life.
 
Teenj: Alright, everybody! It's time to play Cards Agaianst Humanity!
 
(JCM sits at a table with the rest of the party patrons and looks at the cards in front of him.)
 
JCM: I am offended.
 
CDCB: Well, get ready to be even more offended when I kick yo ass!
 
(Five minutes later, JCM has 20 black cards, and CDCB has none. CDCB is crying.)
 
JCM: I'm just playing random white cards! I swear!
 
Teenj: I'm impressed. Nobody has ever beaten me at CAD before.
 
JCM: I'm sorry, Teenj. I'm a bad party guest, and considering that one card I played with the Mexicans, I might be a bad person overall.
 
Teenj: No, you're a great party guest! If SG ever lets me throw one of these again, you're the first person I'll invite!
 
JCM: Really?
 
AN: Yeah, JCM. You were the life of the party. I told you all you needed to do was let your hair down.
 
JCM: You were right. I may be forever scarred from this, but it was fun. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going home to take a long shower.
 
(The End)
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Investigates that70sgirl
 
(ACS, Patback, and Person walk into a building with a sign saying "Sara's Scents" above it.)
 
ACS: Hey, Mrs. 70s! Is that a new dress?
 
Sara: What did you guys fuck up today?
 
Patback: Alright, alright. We have good news and bad news.
 
Sara: What's the good news?
 
ACS: The McRib is back, and it's delicious!
 
Sara: What's the bad news?
 
Patback: A bunch of SBCers found our hideout and took Nuggets back.
 
ACS: They also know you're in charge. Don't hit us!
 
Sara: No, I won't hit you.
 
ACS: Sweet!
 
(Sara pulls out a gun.)
 
Sara: I'll kill you.
 
ACS: Awww.
 
Sara: I gave you one simple task: bring me the school's history teacher!
 
Patback: We were about to do just that when ACS got the bright idea to pick up two homeless men on the street.
 
ACS: They worked for food!
 
Patback: They told us about a billion dollar check they gave to one of the former principals of SBC, and on our way back to the school, we saw the current principal coming out with a billion dollar check in his hand! It was a perfect opportunity to destroy SBC while getting its principal! That must be better than some lowly history teacher.
 
Sara: It isn't! That "lowly history teacher" has all the secrets I need, and the principal has jack shit! I know. I shook him up well enough. Why did you let yourself get distracted? And where have you been for the past day?
 
Person: In jail. But don't worry. We only had to spend the night there. Nuggets dropped the kidnapping charges as a show of good faith.
 
ACS: But he said that if we came anywhere near the school again, he'd fuck us up badly.
 
Sara: (cocks her gun) He won't have to.
 
Patback: Please! I'm sorry we got distracted! It won't happen again!
 
ACS: Yeah! At risk of getting fucked up by Aquatic Nuggets, we'll go to the school, find Clappy, and bring him to you!
 
Sara: What does it matter? Everybody knows I'm behind this. I might as well do it myself.
 
(JCM barges into the store.)
 
JCM: Drop that weapon!
 
Sara: No.
 
(Sara shoots at JCM.)
 
JCM: Dengen o ireru!
 
(JCM shoots a beam out his hand which incinerates Sara's gun.)
 
Sara: Your chiwa's back? How? I destroyed it!
 
JCM: And I undestroyed it! And now I can control it! And now I can use it to get the answers I want from you!
 
(Sara jumps over the counter and sprays a bottle of perfume in JCM's eyes. JCM closes his eyes in pain.)
 
JCM: Dengen o ireru!
 
(JCM shoots a beam at the wall behind the counter, missing Sara completely. Sara runs out the door.)
 
JCM: Come back! Wherever you are!
 
Patback: That "dengen oreru" thing must not come with intellect.
 
(JCM opens his eyes, and he looks around.)
 
JCM: Sara must be hiding the rest of her potions somewhere.
 
Person: JCM, are you okay?
 
JCM: I would suggest the three of you leave before things get ugly.
 
ACS: But Patback's already here.
 
Patback: Hey!
 
(JCM shoots a beam out of his hand.)
 
ACS: Going!
 
(ACS, Patback, and Person hurry out the door. JCM searches every shelf in the building and finds nothing of interest. He's about to leave the store when he notices a drop of liquid fall from a crack in the ceiling. He climbs onto the counter and pulls off a ceiling tile. Dozens of bottles fall out, and JCM manages to catch each one.)
 
JCM: (smiles) I've got you, Sara.
 
(Sara runs into Patty Sponge's hair salon and takes Patty away from a customer.)
 
Patty: What the fuck?
 
Sara: If you tell anybody what I forced you to do to the pool before JCM came last December, I'll kill you.
 
Patty: I know our deal.
 
Sara: Good.
 
(Sara sees JCM coming.)
 
Sara: Though I'm not sure what difference it'll make now.
 
(Sara runs into the pool room, grabs a snorkel from the wall, and jumps into the pool.)
 
Sara: Goddamn, that's hot!
 
(JCM walks into the hair salon and approaches Patty.)
 
JCM: You know why I'm here.
 
(Patty splashes hair conditioner into JCM's eyes and runs out of the hair salon. JCM closes his eyes in pain again.)
 
JCM: Oh, come on! Why does this keep happening to me?
 
(A now-hairless Sara tiptoes out of the pool room and out of the hair salon.)
 
JCM: (opens eyes) Well, that was fun.
 
Customer: Hey, do you know where the British sandwich boy went?
 
JCM: No, but if you see him, give me a call. (leaves the hair salon)

 

Customer: But I don't know your number! Fuckin' weirdo.

 
(The End)

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Tangles With Team Rocket

(ACS, Patback, and Person sneak into the playground of the SpongeBuddy Middle School.)

Person: I wish my middle school had a playground.

ACS: Shush! We're meeting someone under the monkey bars!

Person: You're being louder than I am!

ACS: I said SHUSH!

Storm: Hey, guys.

ACS: Storm! How did you know we were here?

Storm: I could hear you all the way from the monkey bars. How's it going?

Patback: Uh...am I the only one here who sees the talking storm cloud?

ACS: This is my friend and fellow master of disguise StormAllenBryat. Since we're no longer in Sara's favor, we'll have to take revenge on SBC ourselves, and I want Storm to help us.

Storm: I already told you: I don't want revenge on SBC anymore. I deserved to get expelled from there, and I'm a lot happier here, anyway.

ACS: But don't you miss the good times?

(ACS takes out a pair of Groucho glasses.)

ACS: Come on. You know you want to.

Storm: (covers eyes) No! Begone, temptress!

ACS: Temptress?

Storm: Tempter. Whatever the male version of temptress is!

ACS: Just try them on.

(ACS puts the Groucho glasses on Storm, and he opens his eyes.)

Storm: Everything is so clearer now! Partly because I'm legally blind. Alright, I'll help you!

ACS: Great! Goodbye, Team Rage! Hello, Team Rocket!

Patback: Team Rocket? That's even a worse name than Team Rage! Plus, it's unoriginal.

ACS: Your mom.

Person: Can we just go now?

(ACS, Patback, Person, and Storm walk into the SpongeBob Community School.)

Person: Are you sure this is a good idea? We could get arrested for trespassing.

ACS: Not if everybody think we're teachers.

(ACS pulls out masks with poorly-drawn versions of Clappy's, Wumbo's, teenj's, and CDCB's faces.)

Storm: Ooh, I've always wanted to impersonate a teacher!

(Storm puts on the CDCB mask, Person puts on the teenj mask, Patback puts on the Wumbo mask, and ACS puts on the Clappy mask.)

ACS: Now we can sneak into the staff lounge and steal the school's secrets!

Person: ACS...

ACS: What?

(jjstheprincipal taps on ACS's shoulder. ACS turns around and smiles sheepishly.)

ACS: Hi there, jjs! It's me, Clappy!

Jjs: You know, you really shouldn't announce your plans right outside the principal's office.

ACS: Run!

(ACS, Patback, Person, and Storm run towards the staff lounge. jjstheprincipal runs after them.)

Jjs: Security!

(JCM runs out of the janitor's closet wearing a police uniform.)

JCM: Stop right there!

Person: JCM? You're the secuirty guard?

JCM: Yeah, it's a way to make extra money. Why am I stopping the teachers, Mr. The Principal?

Jjs: They're not the teachers! They're idiots pretending to be the teachers!

Patback: No, we're totally the teachers!

JCM: I'm so conflicted!

Jjs: Stop them or you're fired!

JCM: Yes, sir!

(ACS, Patback, Person, and Storm make it into the staff lounge. They lock the door behind them then start frantically looking through all the file cabinets.)

JCM: Oh, well.

Jjs: Goddamn it, JCM! Pack your bags! You're out of here!

JCM: Wait! I can still stop them! Dengen o ireru!

(JCM shoots a beam from his hand, and it goes through the staff lounge door, through Storm, and through a file cabinet.)

Storm: Ow.

ACS: There's gotta be something in here worth using!

Patback: There aren't anything but tests and quizzes! This was a stupid idea!

Person: Hurry up! They're coming!

ACS: You hurry up!

Storm: (crying) I want to go back to SBM!

(JCM and Jjs climb through the hole in the door. Someone wearing a mask with a poorly drawn version of Jjs' face sits alone at a table.)

Jjs: Where did everyone go?

JCM: And why is there another Jjs? (gasps) Do you have a twin, too?

Jjs: Shut up, JCM.

(Jjs pulls off the mask, revealing ExKizuna.)

Jjs: Ex?

JCM: Hey, I remember him!

(Jjs pulls off ExKizuna's face, revealing Dragiiin underneath.)

Jjs: Drag?

JCM: I remember him, too! I'm on a roll!

(Jjs pulls off Dragiiin's face, revealing Teenj.)

JCM: Teenj? You're the one behind this?

Jjs: No.

(Jjs pulls off the teenj mask to reveal Person.)

Person: Please don't hurt me!

Jjs: What's with the Scooby Doo shit?

Person: It was a distraction.

Jjs: From what?

(ACS, Patback, and Person jump out of file cabinets.)

ACS: From this, motherfuckers!

(JCM tases all three of them.)

ACS: (dazed) Well, that didn't go as planned.

Patback: Fuck your plans.

ACS: Team Rocket is blasting off again! (faints)

Storm: I'm a cloud, so tasers don't work on me.

(Jjs traps Storm in a bottle.)

Storm: That's the ticket!

Person: What are you going to do to us?

Jjs: You're going to jail, of course!

Person: Well, in that case...

(Person tries to run, and JCM tases him, knocking him out.)

JCM: Sorry, old pal.

Jjs: Well, that's the end of that.

(CNF peeks into the door's hole.)

CNF: Hey, sorry to bother you, but have either of you seen Clappy? He didn't show up for class today.

Patback: (chuckles) Sara actually did it.

JCM: What? She did what?

Patback: You'll never find out.

(JCM lights up his taser.)

Patback: That she kidnapped him! Ha ha! I'll be here all night, folks!

(The End)

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Goes Back to SBC's Past
 
(JCM and Jjs run into Clappy's room.)
 
Jjs: Shit, he's still gone!
 
JCM: What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
 
(Clappy walks into the room, wearing nothing but a trash bag.)
 
JCM: Clappy! You're alive!
 
Clappy: Did you think I was dead?
 
JCM: Of course not! But I prepared a eulogy just in case.
 
(JCM takes a folded sheet of paper out of his pocket.)
 
JCM: (reading) Mr. Clappy was more than just a history teacher. He was a friend. Who happened to teach history.
 
Jjs: Where were you?
 
Clappy: One minute, I was drinking my morning coffee, and the next, I was naked in an alley with a massive headache.
 
JCM: (still reading) We were such good friends that Clappy once told me that if he ever had kids, I'd be their godfather.
 
Clappy: I said what?
 
JCM: Sadly, that can no longer come to pass. (looks up) This is where I start crying.
 
(Jjs grabs a coffee mug from Clappy's desk.)
 
Jjs: I'm giving this to Wumbo for analysis.
 
(Jjs, JCM, and Clappy walk into Wumbo's room.)
 
Jjs: Hey, I think there might be something in Clap's coffee. Can you check?
 
(Wumbo squeezes some liquid out of an eye dropper and into the coffee mug. The coffee turns purple.)
 
Wumbo: Yep. You were definitely roofied.
 
JCM: Roofied? What does that mean?
 
Wumbo: Have you ever watched The Hangover?
 
JCM: No, I'm not allowed to watch R-rated movies.
 
Wumbo: It means that someone put a drug in Clappy's drink that knocked him out cold.
 
Jjs: I think I know who that someone is!
 
JCM: Who?
 
Jjs: Sara!
 
JCM: Oh, right. I knew that.
 
Jjs: What did Sara want with you?
 
Clappy: I was drugged! I don't remember.
 
Wumbo: They say that if you return to the state you were in when you forgot something, you can remember it again.
 
Clappy: What are you going to do, roofie me again?
 
Wumbo: No...GRAB HIM!
 
(JCM and Jjs grab Clappy's arms while Wumbo pours the rest of the coffee down this throat.)
 
Clappy: I will fucking kill you! (slurred) Hey, did this room get smaller?
 
Jjs: Tell me what you know about Sara.
 
Clappy: Sara? Oh, that70schick. Yeah, she picked me up and got me to tell her where my time machine was. Said she needed to know so she could go back in time and kill terminoob or something. I tried to resist her, but it was no use. Say, Wumbo, did you get a haircut?
 
Wumbo: (blushes) Yeah, thanks for noticing.
 
Jjs: Shit! terminoob! Can you watch over Clappy while we're gone?
 
Wumbo: Sure.
 
(Jjs and JCM run into the media center and find terminoob.)
 
terminoob: What's going on?
 
Jjs: We think Sara's going back in time to kill you!
 
terminoob: That's crazy! If she was doing that, I'd already be disappeari-HOLY FUCK WHERE ARE MY GODDAMN HANDS
 
(terminoob, JCM, and Jjs stare in disbelief at where terminoob's hands used to be.)
 
terminoob: You two need to go back in time and stop Sara before these changes to the time space continuum become permanent!
 
JCM: How? Sara took the only time machine.
 
terminoob: Lucky for me, I brought this spellbook with me!
 
(terminoob uses his teeth to flip through the pages of a spellbook.)
 
terminoob: Here it is, the time traveling spell! Both of you need to read these words aloud while thinking about the time you want to go to!
 
JCM: What time are we going to?
 
Jjs: August 15, 2009. The day SBC was founded.
 
(JCM and Jjs read the spell, and a few second later, they're in a vacant lot.)
 
JCM: It worked!
 
Jjs: Now, where's termi?
 
(A younger, fresh-faced terminoob runs out of the nearby TV School.)
 
terminoob: Fuck you guys! I'll start my own school!
 
Jjs: Sweet! This means Sara hasn't gotten to him yet!
 
JCM: I've always wanted to see what the old TV School was like.
 
Jjs: No! No way! We're here to keep an eye on termi. Sara undoubtedly wants to kill him to stop him from creating SBC, and we can't let that happen!
 
JCM: Understood.
 
(JCM starts running to the TV School.)
 
Jjs: JCM!
 
(Jjs sighs and follows JCM. They peek through a crack in the TV School's door and finds Danmod, the vice principal, yelling at jjsthekid, Jjs' younger self.)
 
Danmod: So you're saying you're not the one who spray painted "Jjs was here" onto the lockers?
 
jjsthekid: Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
 
Danmod: And who, may I ask, did?
 
jjsthekid: It was probably Whaleblubber.
 
Danmod: Whaleblubber? Like the whale blubber they serve in the cafeteria?
 
jjsthekid: Yeah. It came to life, and it's been causing trouble all week.
 
Danmod: You can't honestly expect me to believe that. I'm sorry, but you're suspended.
 
jjsthekid: You can't suspend me! You're just the vice principal!
 
Danmod: As vice pricipal, I have jurisdiction over the SpongeBob department. If this was, say, the Lost department, then yeah, it'd be a matter for a principal, but smaller departments like this one are in my hands.
 
jjsthekid: Please don't suspend me! I'll miss all the new Truth or Square rumors!
 
Danmod: You did this to yourself. Now get out of my school.
 
(Jjs hides in the bushes and pulls JCM in with him as jjsthekid walks out of the school dejectedly.)
 
Jjs: I remember that moment. It was pretty shitty.
 
JCM: Who's that kid? He looks familiar.
 
Jjs: It's me!
 
JCM: Oh, now I recognize him!
 
Jjs: If you want to take a tour of my old school, you can, but you'll have to do it without me. This place is too depressing, and besides, I can't let termi out of my sight.
 
(Jjs leaves the bushes and heads towards the vacant lot, where terminoob is already doing measurements.)
 
JCM: This is so exciting!
 
(JCM skips into the TV School, where he's stopped by Danmod.)
 
Danmod: What do you think you doing?
 
JCM: Skippin'.
 
Danmod: There is no skippin' on the premises! You're expelled!
 
JCM: But I don't go here.
 
Danmod: How would you like to join our wonderful school?
 
JCM: Oh, I'd love to!
 
Danmod: Here's the papers.
 
(Danmod gives JCM papers, and he signs them.)
 
Danmod: You're expelled.
 
JCM: Aww.
 
(Meanwhile, outside of the TV School, Sara appears holding Clappy's time machine.)
 
Sara: Here I am.
 
(Sara puts the time machine in one pocket and takes a gun out of another.)
 
Sara: Now to do what I came here to do.
 
(To Be Continued)
  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Wraps This Entire Silly Mess Up
 
(The Grim Reaper walks into the Evil Underlord's office in the underworld.)
 
Grim Reaper: You asked for me?
 
Evil Underlord: We have trouble. The wife of that70sguy has gone back in time to stop the SpongeBob Community School from being founded.
 
Grim Reaper: So?
 
Evil Underlord: So by doing that, she's negating the events that led her to go back in time in the first place! It's creating a temporal paradox that's currently destroying the universe!
 
Grim Reaper: So?
 
Evil Underlord: Without a universe, there won't be anything for us to conquer!
 
Grim Reaper: That is bad! What do you want me to do about it?
 
Evil Underlord: I need you to travel to August 15, 2009 and do what needs to be done to save the universe.
 
Grim Reaper: Alright, but I'm bringing some old friends with me.
 
(Six years earlier, terminoob is in a vacant lot. A representative of Academotion approaches him.)
 
Representative: Will this lot be sufficient for your school?
 
terminoob: Yeah, but it could use a little more razzle dazzle.
 
(The representative sprinkles glitter over the lot.)
 
Representative: Happy now?
 
terminoob: I'm never happy.
 
(Jjs runs up to terminoob.)
 
Jjs: Duck!
 
terminoob: Wha?
 
(Jjs and terminoob duck, and a bullet flies over terminoob's head. terminoob looks in the direction of the bullet and finds Sara pointing a gun at him.)
 
terminoob: Shit!
 
(terminoob jumps out of the way as Sara fires more bullets at him.)
 
Jjs: Thank God I got here in time!
 
terminoob: What the hell is she trying to kill me for? I've pissed off a lot of people, but she's not one of them.
 
Jjs: She's not trying to kill you for something you've done in the past! She's trying to kill you for something you'll do in the future!
 
(terminoob and Jjs hide behind a car while Sara reloads her gun.)
 
terminoob: What are you saying, that I'm in some kind of Terminator movie? Should I expect Arnold Schwarzenegger to show up next?
 
(JCM appears next to terminoob.)
 
JCM: (Schwarzenegger voice) I'm back. (coughs) Sorry, a fly got caught in my throat.
 
terminoob: Who the fuck are you?
 
Jjs: He's with me. Did you have fun during your tour, JCM?
 
JCM: No! The staff there is really mean!
 
terminoob: Tell me about it.
 
(Sara starts shooting at the car terminoob, Jjs and JCM are behind, and they run away just as the car explodes. Sara chases them, gun blazing, and Jjs uses a piece of the car to shield them from the bullets.)
 
JCM: I wonder whose car that was.
 
Jjs: It doesn't matter! We need to focus on getting as far away from Sara as possible.
 
JCM: Don't worry! I can take care of her!
 
(JCM raises his hand over the car piece and points it at Sara. )
 
JCM: Dengen o ire-
 
(Sara shoots his hand off.)
 
JCM: Well, I'm out of ideas.
 
terminoob: Holy shit! You're bleeding like crazy! Aren't you in pain?
 
JCM: I am, actually. Thanks for reminding me.
 
(JCM screams. terminoob covers his ears.)
 
terminoob: Well, I instantly regretted that.
 
Jjs: Anyone else got ideas?
 
terminoob: I know of something that can help us lose her. Cover me as I go in.
 
(Jjs shields terminoob as he runs into a sports store. He comes out a few seconds later with three skateboards.)
 
Jjs: The fuck is this, Rocket Power?
 
terminoob: Hey, I'm the cynical one!
 
(JCM tries out his skateboard.)
 
JCM: I like it!
 
terminoob: Good, because she'll be on us any second now. Also, I didn't pay for these.
 
(terminoob, Jjs, and JCM ride off on their skateboards just as the sports store's owner runs out.)
 
Store owner: Come back, you crazy kids!
 
(One of Sara's bullets hits the store owner, killing him. Sara runs into the store then drives out on a motorcycle.)
 
terminoob: Shit! Why didn't I think of stealing some of those?
 
(Jjs turns around, continuing to use the car piece to deflect Sara's bullets.)
 
JCM: What are you doing?
 
Jjs: Finishing this once and for all!
 
(Jjs collides with Sara, causing her to fall off the motorcycle and drop her gun. Jjs jumps between Sara and the gun before she can retrieve it.)
 
Sara: Move out of the way, you fucking asshole!
 
(Sara lunges at Jjs, and while they fight, terminoob skateboards to the gun and picks it up.)
 
terminoob: We're safe! Let's get out of here!
 
(Sara is on top of Jjs, punching him in the face, when she sees that terminoob has her gun. Jjs pushes Sara off, and then he gets onto his skateboard. terminoob, Jjs, and JCM ride off as Sara gets back onto her motorcycle and follows them.)
 
Sara: This is unbelievable! terminoob should be dead right now!
 
(Sara accelerates her motorcyle and gets closer to terminoob, Jjs, and JCM. terminoob fires off a shot in her direction, and she's barely able to dodge it.)
 
JCM: Hey, there's no more blood coming out of my arm! Why do I feel woozy? (faints)
 
Jjs: Damn it, JCM!
 
(Jjs catches JCM as he falls off of his skateboard. Sara avoids the skateboard as it rolls toward her.)
 
terminoob: He lost a lot of blood. We'll have to get him to a hospital.
 
(Jjs struggles to carry JCM and keep up with terminoob on his skateboard. Once Sara is close enough, she tugs at the back of terminoob's shirt. terminoob turns around and points his gun at Sara's face.)
 
terminoob: Don't make me do this.
 
Sara: You wouldn't. You're too scared.
 
terminoob: I'm not scared of anything! Except bees.
 
(terminoob pulls the trigger, but nothing comes out.)
 
terminoob: Fuck, it's empty.
 
JCM: (wakes up) What a twist!
 
(terminoob, Sara, and Jjs stare at JCM.)
 
JCM: Did I interrupt something?
 
(Sara snatches the gun from terminoob and slaps him with it, knocking him off his skateboard.)
 
Jjs: Termi!
 
(Jjs throws JCM at Sara and skateboards to terminoob.)
 
JCM: Hey!
 
(Sara pushes JCM off then reloads her gun.)
 
Sara: You know, you've gotten to be a real pain in the ass, so I'm killing you first.
 
(Sara points her gun at JCM. JCM closes his eyes. He opens them just as the bullet comes out of the gun, and he stops the bullet with his hand.)
 
Sara: How the...oh no! The chiwa! I forgot you brought it back!
 
JCM: Well, I'm about to make you remember why you took it away in the first place!
 
(JCM punches Sara, sending her flying several feet. Jjs helps terminoob back onto his skateboard, and they ride to JCM, who begins to levitate.)
 
JCM: I feel the power...rushing through my veins!
 
(JCM regrows his second hand. terminoob vomits. Sara attempts to run away, but she slips on JCM's skateboard.)
 
Sara: Fuck this! Killing terminoob isn't worth it! (raises white flag) I surrender!
 
Jjs: Do you just carry a white flag wherever you go?
 
Sara: No. (studies flag) I'm not actually sure where this came from.
 
Voice: It came from me!
 
(Sara looks behind her and sees the Grim Reaper with Billy and Mandy on his shoulders.)
 
Sara: This can't be real. I must be on a bad acid trip.
 
Grim Reaper: Oh, it's real, and you've been a very bad girl!
 
(The Grim Reaper snaps, causing JCM to fall. JCM closes and opens his eyes.)
 
JCM: Hey, I have both hands again! Who's the skinny guy?
 
Grim Reaper: I'm not skinny! I'm small-boned!
 
terminoob: I have a more important question. This one's for the girl.
 
Sara: Who, me?
 
terminoob: I'm not talkin' bout the noseless chick.
 
Mandy: Hey, fuck you.
 
terminoob: Why did you want to kill me? What have I done, or more accurately, what will I do to make you hate me so much?
 
Sara: My husband died because of SBC.
 
JCM: I thought he died because of syphilis.
 
terminoob: That shit can kill.
 
Sara: He died because the stress of working at that damn school every day led to him going to bars, where yes, he eventually contracted syphilis.
 
(Sara drops her white flag, drops her gun, and drops her wedding ring.)
 
Sara: I spent years trying to find a potion that would bring him back. That's how I happened upon the potion that took away your chiwa, JCM.
 
JCM: That explains everything! Who's the skinny guy again?
 
Billy: He's Grim! And I thought I was dumb!
 
Grim Reaper: Stop licking my head, Billy.
 
Sara: One day, it came to me, just out of nowhere. 70s mentioned a time machine once. He said he used it to get his history. I thought maybe if I got your current history teacher to tell me where the time machine was, I could use it to change history so that this godforsaken school never existed.
 
Grim Reaper: That's where you fucked up! Changing history so that you don't have to change history is paradoxical, and had you succeeded, you would have destroyed the universe!
 
Sara: I don't care about a universe where my daughter has to grow up fatherless.
 
Grim Reaper: Maybe she won't have to!
 
(The Grim Reaper uses his scythe to create a rift in the time space continuum.)
 
Grim Reaper: What are you babies waiting for? Let's go!
 
(The Grim Reaper jumps through the rift and Sara follows him.)
 
Jjs: Will you be okay here, termi?
 
terminoob: As okay as usual. In others words, not at all.
 
Jjs: See you in six years! (jumps through the rift)
 
JCM: (scratches chin) I can't help but think that we forgot something. Oh, well! (jumps through the rift)
 
(Danmod walks out of the TV School and realizes that his car is on fire.)
 
Danmod: (crying) Why do bad things happen to good people?
 
(In the present, JCM, Jjs, Sara, the Grim Reaper, Billy, and Mandy jump out of a rift in front of the SpongeBob Community School.)
 
Billy: That was awesome!
 
Grim Reaper: Does that mean you won't sue me for breaching that little hamster contract?
 
Mandy: No, we'll definitely sue you.
 
Grim Reaper: Well, fuck me.
 
Billy: We'll definitely be doing that, too!
 
Sara: So what did you mean when you said my daughter wouldn't have to grow up fatherless?
 
Grim Reaper: Oh, yeah.
 
(The Grim Reaper reaches into the rift and pulls out that70sguy. The rift closes.)
 
Grim Reaper: This isn't all of your husband, since his soul did a lot of shit that needs to stay in the past. I just replaced his soul with James Brown's.
 
the70sguy: Uh! I feel good!
 
Sara: That'll do.
 
(the70sguy and Sara walks away.)
 
Jjs: What now?
 
Grim Reaper: Is anybody up for some unfitting music?
 
JCM: I am!
 
(The Grim Reaper puts on a top hat and takes out a cane.)
 
Grim Reaper: (singing) Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal!
 
Billy: (singing) Send me a kiss by wire!
 
Mandy: (singing) Baby, my heart's on fire.
 
Everybody: (singing) If you refuse me, then honey, you'll lose me then you'll be left alone, oh baby, telephone and tell me I'm your own!
 
(The End)
  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Rings in the New Year

(A hawk is perched on the roof of the SpongeBob Community School. It flies away as a familiar face walks into the school.)

Mysterious person: Hello again, SBC.

(JCM is in a classroom with a bunch of students speaking loudly to each other. He tries to inject himself into some of the conversations, but everyone ignores him. Clappy, who now has a beard to signify his character development, walks into the room.)

Clappy: Alright, motherfuckers...sorry. My New Years' resolution was to swear less, so...alright, students, winter break is over and it's time to learn again! Isn't that exciting?

G4ry: Fuck you! No one likes you!

(Clappy rolls up a sleeve to reveal unrealistically large muscles under them.)

Clappy: You want some of this, g4ry? Cause I can give you some of this!

G4ry: Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!

JCM: Clappy, you know what jjs said about hitting students.

Clappy: JCM, what the fuck are you doing in my classroom?

JCM: Jjs told me to sit in on some of the classes to make sure teachers aren't doing anything unethical. He says another another major incident will cause us to lose our state funding.

Clappy: Fucking Wumbo and his experiments! He ruined it for everyone!

JCM: What happened to your New Years' resolution?

Clappy: It ended once I saw your snitching ass in here!

JCM: Just don't touch any of the students and you should be fine.

(G4ry jumps onto Clappy's desk.)

G4ry: Hear that, Claps? You can't touch me, but I can touch you all I want!

(G4ry licks Clappy's face.)

Clappy: W-why would you do that?

G4ry: I'm a dog! Licking faces and chasing squirrels are the only things I'm good at!

(After class ends, JCM walks to jjstheprincipal's office.)

JCM: Jjs, I don't think I can do this anymore. The teachers hate me, and the students are using me as spitball practice.

(JCM turns around to reveal a giant wad of spitballs stuck to the back of his head.)

Jjs: Jesus! Why haven't you gotten rid of those?

JCM: I think they've fused with my brain.

Jjs: What the fuck? Alright, I'll give you something else to do. We've had another student transfer from SpongeBuddy Middle School for this semester, so can you show him around?

JCM: Sure! Where can I find him?

Jjs: Seb's finalizing his enrollment in the guidance counselor's office, so just wait outside until he comes out.

JCM: Aye aye, sir!

(JCM leaves Jjs's office and spends the next five minutes waiting outside of SpongeSebastian's office. SpongeSebastian comes out of the office before the new student does.)

SpongeSebastian: hi jcm. long time no see. want to do a therapy session for old time's sake?

JCM: N-no thank you.

SpongeSebastian: are you sure? i can penetrate your mind like nobody's ever penetrated it, and i won't charge a dime.

JCM: C-can I just see the new student?

(HawkbitZeta walks out of the office.)

JCM: Hi there! I'm here to show you around!

HawkbitZeta: Thanks for the offer, but I've got my older brother here to do that for me.

(The mysterious person from the start of the episode walks out of the office, and JCM's jaw drops.)

JCM: ACS! Also known as Prince Dark! Also known as ACS!

HawkbitAlpha: Don't worry, JCM. I've given up on changing identities and trying to get revenge for stuff that happened a decade ago. My only focus right now is on trying to be a good brother to my 20 siblings.

JCM: Oh, that's go-Wait, did you just say 20 siblings?

HawkbitAlpha: Our parents really like fucking.

HawkbitZeta: I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that! Now, where's the cafeteria?

HawkbitAlpha: See you later, JCM.

(As HawkbitAlpha and HawkbitZeta leave, SpongeSebastian and JCM are left outside of the office.)

JCM: They don't need me anymore...the school doesn't need me anymore.

SpongeSebastian: wanna talk about it?

JCM: (sighs) I guess so.

(JCM and SpongeSebastian walk into the office, and the episode ends.)

  • Like 1
  • Wow 1
  • God Himself 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Joins a Cult

(WhoBob walks into a classroom dressed as Captain America.)

WhoBob: Hello, everybody! Welcome to the first meeting of the SpongeBob Community School's official comic book club! I..JCM, what the fuck are you doing in here?

JCM: I wanted to share my love of comic books with my fellow comic...compat...triots.

WhoBob: Have you ever even opened a comic book?

JCM: No, but I read the funnies in the newspaper every Sunday!

(Wintermelon43, who's sitting in the back of the classroom, whispers to a student beside him.)

Wintermelon43: Newspapers are still a thing?

WhoBob: Get the fuck out of my club, JCM. It's for students only, No janitors allowed.

JCM: What if somebody spills something?

WhoBob: Then I'll call you. Now, shoo!

(JCM leaves the room sadly. He notices a poster on the board beside the room promoting a club named simply the "Secret Club" meeting at a gym across the street. JCM goes to the gym out of curiosity, and he finds the gym lighted only by candles and a group of people in the middle of the gym wearing black hoods and whispering chants.)

JCM: Hi there!

(Everyone turns around. One of the people wearing hoods removes his hood to reveal a young man under it.)

Man: Hello. How may I help you?

JCM: Is this where the Secret Club is meeting?

Man: I don't know. Is it?

JCM: I don't know either! That's why I asked you!

Man: The first rule of Secret Club is you don't ask about Secret Club.

JCM: How do I join it, then?

Man: We'll determine whether you're worthy.

JCM: How will you determine that?

(The man takes a sword off of a nearby wall and gives it to JCM.)

Man: Bring me the head of a goat, cut off by this sword, and we'll accept you into this club.

JCM: Okie-dokie then!

Man: Second rule of Secret Club: don't say "okie-dokie then"! Say "yes, leader"!

JCM: (bows) Yes, leader.

(JCM leaves the gym and comes back five minutes later with a severed goat's head, both it and the sword dripping with blood.)

Leader: How the fuck did you do it that fast?

JCM: I know people.

Leader: That's all I'll ask about that. Congratulations, you're accepted!

JCM: Great! What do I do now?

(The leader takes the goat's head and the sword from JCM.)

Leader: Wait for an email with further instructions.

JCM: But I never gave you my email address.

Leader: Don't worry. We know it.

(JCM gasps.)

Leader: But, uh, just in case we forgot, think you can write it down here?

(The leader gives JCM a notepad, and JCM writes his email address on it before leaving the gym.)

JCM: Finally! Somewhere I feel like I belong!

(JCM skips into the school and passes WhoBob on his way back to the janitor's closet.)

WhoBob: Why are you so happy all of a sudden?

JCM: I was just accepted into a club way better than your silly comic book club!

WhoBob: What club is it?

JCM: The first rule of the club is you can't talk about it!

WhoBob: Why are your hands bloody?

JCM: I had to chop off a goat's head to get into it!

WhoBob: Jesus Chrst, JCM! Did you join a cult?

JCM: No! It's a club, just like yours, just a little more secretive!

WhoBob: You don't have to murder animals to get into my club!

JCM: Stop it! I...I don't want to listen to this anymore!

(JCM runs away.)

WhoBob: You're going to get hurt, JCM! You're going to get hurt!

(The next day, JCM walks back into the gym. Everyone, including the leader, is wearing their hoods again, and they're whispering their chants around the goat's head JCM severed.)

Leader: Welcome back, newest member! It's time for you to complete your initiation!

(The leader gives a wine glass with a red liquid inside it to JCM.)

JCM: Oh, no! I don't drink.

Leader: Don't worry. There's no alcohol inside of that, only spirit. The spirit of the goat you killed. And its blood. Mostly its blood.

JCM: I don't know about this. One of the students at SBC drank blood once, and she went kind of crazy. Thinks she's a Sith lord now. It's really weird.

Leader: You're not in SBC anymore. You're in Secret Club. Do you trust us?

JCM: Of course.

Leader: Then drinketh of the cup and dedicate yourself to Secret Club for all eternity.

(JCM hesitates, puts the wine glass to lip, and slowly tilts it, watching the blood stream towards his mouth. Suddenly, he hears police sirens, and blue and red lights flash through the window.)

Leader: Oh, shit! It's the po po! There's only one way to protect this club's secrets! We must perform the ritual of seppuka!

JCM: No! Not seppuka! I'm terrible with numbers! Can't we just do a crossword puzzle instead? I do them all the time in my papers.

(The leader and the rest of the club members take swords from the wall and use the swords to disembowel themselves. JCM cries then vomits then cries again. A few minutes later, WhoBob walks into the gym with a pair of police officers behind him.)

WhoBob: Yeesh.

Officer 1: So these are the people responsible for all those dead goats?

Officer 2: I guess they are. Mission accomplished! Let's go get donuts!

(The officers get back into their car and drive away. WhoBob sits next to JCM, who is now crying in a fetal position.)

WhoBob: I know now's not the time...but I told you they were a cult.

JCM: Just go back to doing your student stuff.

(JCM grabs a mop and starts cleaning up the gym with it.)

JCM: (sniffs) I'll go back to doing my janitor stuff.

WhoBob: Listen, I may have been a little harsh. If you want to come to our next comic book club meeting, you're more than welcome to.

(JCM immediately stops mopping and hugs WhoBob as tightly as he can.)

JCM: Thank you, thank you, thank you!

WhoBob: Let go of me before I change my mind!

(JCM lets go of WhoBob, and they walk out of the gym together.)

WhoBob: So, do you think the cops will be back anytime soon? Cause there are, like, a lot of dead bodies in there.

JCM: I assume so.

WhoBob: They have to, right?

(JCM and WhoBob stop for a moment, then they turn around and start walking towards the gym again.)

WhoBob: I'll help you clean up.

(The End)

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Sets Up the Chairs

(JCM follows Jjs as he storms into the auditorium angrily.)

JCM: I swear, Jjs! I was planning to do it! It just...it just slipped my mind!

Jjs: Goddamn it, JCM! I gave you one fucking job! Set up the chairs in the auditorium so we can hold the fucking school play tonight! Do these chairs look set up?

JCM: No, but

Jjs: But nothing! The play is in three hours! Have the chairs set up by then or YOU'RE FIRED!

(LocalAquatic, the drama teacher, skips into the auditorium.)

LocalAquatic: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks? What chairs can our patrons sit thine asses in as they enjoy my rendition of Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet?

Jjs: Cut it out, Aquatic. I already talked to JCM about it.

JCM: Don't worry, Aquatic! I'll make sure the chairs are set up before your play starts!

LocalAquatic: Hopefully thou does, because if mine play is unsuccessful due to thee fucktardary... (pulls out a skull) thy shalt not be anymore.

JCM: What was that?

Jjs: She threatened to murder you...in her weird way. Just set up the fucking chairs, alright?

JCM: Yes, sir!

(After Jjs and LocalAquatic leave, JCM walks into a closet in the auditorium, where over 100 chairs are stacked on top of one another.)

JCM: Okay, I just have to open all these chairs and put them in front of the stage. Shouldn't be too hard.

(JCM climbs the stack of chairs and grabs the one at the top. He slides down the stack of chairs with it then uses all of his strength to open it. He then walks to the stage and drops the chair in front of it.)

JCM: (wipes sweat off forehead) Phew! I'm pooped!

(JCM looks back at the rest of the chairs, then he looks at the clock.)

JCM: There's no way I'll get all of those chairs set up in time! What do I do?

(JCM notices a metal leg sticking out from under the chairs.)

JCM: Hmm.

(JCM crawls under the chairs and pulls out a giant robot.)

JCM: How did I not notice this until just now?

(The robot has a sign attached to it saying "DO NOT TURN ON".)

JCM: That piece of paper can't tell me what to do!

(JCM flips a switch on the back of the robot, and its eyes start to glow.)

Robot: Hello. I am Helper Bot 2000. How may I be of assistance?

JCM: Can you set up those chairs in front of the stage?

HB2000: Affirmative.

(HB2000 sets all the chairs up in less than a minute.)

JCM: Wow! You're awesome! You're like a bigger, more productive janitor! Thank goodness there aren't more of you around!

(OMJ walks into the auditorium, and JCM jumps in front of HB2000.)

OMJ: Hey, JCM, I just stopped by to see if you needed any help with those chairs. Even though I'm a consultant now, I'm still down for manual labor every now and then, and Jjs has been fuming about it for the last hour or so.

JCM: Thanks, but I'm good.

OMJ: Cool. What's with the robot?

JCM: What robot?

OMJ: That giant robot behind you.

JCM: I don't know what you're talking about.

OMJ: Well, I'm sure Jjs would love to hear about it.

JCM: Okay, okay! I found this robot in the closet under the chairs, but you can't take him away from me! He's the best thing that's ever happened to me!

OMJ: That's probably one of Wumbo's inventions. You know there's almost always something wrong with those things.

JCM: Well, there's nothing wrong with this guy! He's perfect!

OMJ: Hey, robot.

HB2000: Yes?

OMJ: What's the meaning of life?

HB2000: I do not know. (pauses) I am not a good bot.

OMJ: See! It's broken!

HB2000: And if I am not a good bot, I must be an evil bot.

(HB2000 turns its arm into a laser and zaps OMJ with it, turning him to dust.)

JCM: Oh my gosh!

(HB2000 points the laser at JCM.)

HB2000: Must exterminate humanity.

(JCM jumps out of the way of a laser blast,)

JCM: Well, that escalated quickly!

(HB2000 shoots at JCM again, and he is barely able to avoid getting hit by the second shot.)

JCM: Wait! Let's talk about it!

HB2000: No more talking.

(HB2000 turns its arm into a smaller laser and shoots at JCM in rapid succession.)

JCM: Please! You can still be a good bot!

HB2000: No. It is impossible.

(One of the lasers hit JCM in the arm, and he covers the wound while running from the rest of HB2000's lasers.)

JCM: Nothing is impossible! Not as long as you keep trying! That pursuit of goodness, that's what the meaning of life is! That's the answer to OMJ's question!

(HB2000 stops shooting as it processes what JCM just said.)

HB2000: That is dumb.

(HB2000 starts shooting again, and JCM starts using chairs to block the lasers. As a laser hits one of the chairs, it explodes, and a chair leg lodges into HB2000's eye, causing its head to spin around then fly through the ceiling as the rest of its body falls to the ground limp.)

JCM: I win!

(Jjs and LocalAquatic walk into the auditorium to find that it's a mess, with pieces of broken chair everywhere and a giant hole in the ceiling.)

Jjs: What...

LocalAquatic: The...

Jjs and LocalAquatic: Fuck?

JCM: Oh! Hi there! I got the chairs set up! Kind of!

Jjs: And you destroyed the auditorium while you were at it, it seems!

LocalAquatic: Looks like we'll have to cancel tonight's play. I'm not crying, you're crying!

(LocalAquatic leaves the auditorium in tears.)

JCM: I'm sorry, Jjs! I really am!

Jjs: Just...get your arm checked out by Nurse Homie. No point in ruining the auditorium any more with your blood.

JCM: Does that mean I'm not fired?

Jjs: Oh, you're absolutely fired.

JCM: Awww.

(The End)

  • Like 2
  • God Himself 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Lets it Go

(JCM walks into a Korean restaurant, where K-pop is playing and shinya is dancing while making food.)

JCM: Shinya! I haven't seen you in years!

shinya: You saw me less than a month ago.

JCM: So, how are you doing?

shinya: Fine, I guess.

JCM: Looking for a janitor?

shinya: Not really. My staff and I usually have no trouble cleaning the place up.

JCM: Can I join the staff?

shinya: Do you know how to cook?

JCM: No.

shinya: Do you have customer service experience?

JCM: No.

shinya: Do you have any type of experience in a restaurant whatever?

JCM: I've eaten in a lot of them!

shinya: Get the fuck out of here!

JCM: Please, shinya! I'm desperate! If I miss another month of rent, my dad will kick me out!

shinya: What happened to your job at the school?

JCM: I got fired for setting loose a giant robot in the auditorium that killed OMJ and nearly killed me too!

shinya: Did you stop it with your chiwa?

JCM: No, my chiwa hasn't worked for over a year.

shinya: What? I thought you said you were training it!

JCM: I was training it, and then it stopped working.

shinya: Why didn't you mention this to me before?

JCM: I never found a reason to bring it up until now.

shinya: How about the fact that it's the world's only defense from catastrophe?

JCM: Yeah, that is a pretty good reason. I wonder why I didn't think of it.

shinya: Goddamn it, JCM! crushing has already died on a mission. OMJ's dead for the millionth time thanks to you! You can't afford to keep this from me!

JCM: I can't afford much now that I'm jobless.

shinya: (sighs) Fine, I'll pay you to keep the place clean, but you've got to promise me you'll find out what happened with your chiwa.

JCM: Aye aye, sir!

(That night, JCM is walking home in the snow when he notices a young girl building a snowman on the side of the road.)

JCM: Hi! What's your name?

Girl: Elsa.

(Elsa's name echoes in JCM's head.)

JCM: Okay! Bye, then!

(JCM walks home more quickly than before, and when he's asleep that night, he dreams of living snowmen murdering all his friends at the SpongeBob Community School. He wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat.)

JCM: Don't be crazy, JCM. Living snowman don't kill people. They laugh and play and frolic through the streets.

(JCM closes his eyes, and Elsa's name echoes through his head again.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh!

(JCM puts on a jacket and runs outside. There are snowmen everywhere, but none of them are moving. He jumps onto a scooter and takes it to shinya's apartment.)

JCM: (bangs on door) Shinya! You have to come out and see this!

(shinya opens the door, and his eyes widen when he sees the snowmen everywhere.)

shinya: What the fuck?

JCM: What do you think this is?

(shinya takes out a sword.)

shinya: I don't know, but I'm not about to wait and find out!

(shinya slices one of the snowmen in half, then he gets another sword and throws it to JCM.)

shinya: Use this until you get your chiwa working again.

(JCM and shinya destroy as many of the snowmen as they can until the sun comes up. Suddenly, the snowmen that weren't destroyed stretch their wooden arms and yawn. They notice the dead snowmen around them and start screaming. The screams fill the entire city, and minutes later, shinya and JCM are surrounded by living, angry snowmen.)

JCM: shinya, I don't think we can slice our way out of this.

shinya: Astute observation, JCM.

(Elsa rises out of the snow in front of JCM and shinya.)

JCM: That's a cool trick! Can you teach me?

shinya: (whispering) Shut the fuck up, JCM!

Elsa: Why did you destroy my creations?

shinya: We apologize. If you let us go, we promise we won't hurt any more of them.

Elsa: No, it's too late. You've destroyed something dear to me, and now we must destroy something dear to you.

(Elsa puts a hand to JCM's chest.)

Elsa: Tell me, what is dearest to you?

(JCM feels a coldness in his chest that moves all the way up to his head.)

Elsa: The SpongeBob Community School...hmm...boys, you know what to do.

(The snowmen double in size before moving in the direction of The SpongeBob Community School.)

JCM: No! It's just like in my dream!

shinya: Your dream?

JCM: I had a dream that snowmen just like those killed everybody at the school!

shinya: Then you better stop them, right?

JCM: How? A sword won't do any good against all those snowmen!

shinya: You know how.

JCM: I...can't.

shinya: You can't, or you won't?

JCM: Everything about the chiwa...the blackouts, the feeling of uncontrollable power...everything about it scares me.

shinya: Then you learn to control it.

JCM: I don't think I can. After years of training, I still feel like it controls me more than I control it.

shinya: The chiwa is a part of you. You can't continue to suppress it out of fear. You have to learn to embrace it. You have to learn to...

JCM: Let it go.

shinya: I was going to say "stop being such a big pussy", but yeah, let's go with that.

(JCM closes and opens his eyes, and then he puts his palms together and shoots a large blast at the snowmen, destroying them all. Elsa, who is now standing in a large puddle of melted snowmen, watches JCM approach her.)

JCM: Leave the school alone.

Elsa: I guess I don't have much of a choice now, do I? You may have won the battle, but the war rages on.

(Elsa sinks back into the ground, and JCM opens and closes his eyes again as shinya walks up to him.)

JCM: Did I stop her?

shinya: (laughs) Yeah, you stopped her.

JCM: Awesome! I'm never abandoning my chiwa again!

(JCM skips away, and once shinya is sure he's gone, he calls somebody on his cell phone.)

shinya: Alright, a deal's a deal. You get free food at my restaurant for a year in exchange for helping JCM unlock his chiwa again.

Elsa: (on the phone) I thought it was two years.

shinya: Fuck you! It was one year!

Elsa: I'm sure JCM would love to know who I really am.

shinya: (sighs) Fine. Two years. (hangs up) Fucking witch doctors.

(The End)

  • Like 1
  • Confused 1
  • Wow 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Rumbles with a Rival Restaurateur

(JCM is sweeping the floor of shinya's restaurant when shinya walks out of his office.)

shinya: JCM, I need your help.

JCM: Did somebody have explosive diarrhea in the restroom again?

shinya: No, I just found out this girl Katniss is opening a Mexican restaurant across from ours.

JCM: Why would she do that? Doesn't she know Trump is deporting all the Mexicans? She'll have no business!

shinya: JCM, you do realize it's not just Mexicans who eat at Mexican restaurants, right?

JCM: (scoffs) Sure!

shinya: This is a Korean restaurant, but most of our customers aren't Korean.

JCM: This is a Korean restaurant?

shinya: Goddamnit, JCM! The point is, Katniss's new restaurant will steal customers from ours, so I need you to try and convince her to open it somewhere else.

JCM: You asked the right person! You might not know this about me, but I'm a master of seduction.

shinya: I...didn't know that about you, and I doubt it's true.

JCM: Just you wait! When I'm done with her, she won't open that Spanish restaurant anywhere near this one!

shinya: Just don't do anything that will get you arrested, cause I'm not paying your bail.

JCM: You got it!

(JCM walks to Kat's Delicious Tacos, which is still being set up across the street from shinya's restaurant.)

JCM: Hi there!

Kat: Sorry, we don't open for another month.

JCM: It's not about that. I was wondering if...you could open this place somewhere else.

Kat: Do you work for shinya? I told that asshole I'm not moving my restaurant!

JCM: Come on! Nobody's gonna want to eat Mexican food when there's a better Chinese place across the street!

Kat: I thought he sold Korean food.

JCM: I'm pretty sure it's Chinese.

Kat: Well, it's like a great philosopher once said: "Haters gonna hate, players gonna play, but I'm just gonna shake, shake it off".

JCM: That philosopher must have been very wise.

Kat: ...it's Taylor Swift.

JCM: Who's he?

Kat: (sighs) Tell shinya I'm not moving my fucking restaurant. If he's so afraid of the competition, he can move his.

(JCM walks back to shinya's restaurant sadly.)

shinya: Were you able to seduce her?

JCM: No, but I'm just getting started. Where's the nearest costume shop?

(JCM returns to Kat's Delicious Tacos wearing a suit, a top hat, and a big fake mustache.)

JCM: Hello, I'm J...ack!

Kat: Jay Ack?

JCM: Yeah! I'm a health inspector, and I'm here to inspect your restaurant...for health things!

Kat: I know it's you, JCM.

JCM: JCM? Who's JCM?

(Kat rips JCM's mustache off.)

JCM: You...you fail the inspection! Time to close your restaurant!

(Kat kicks JCM so hard that he flies out of her restaurant and into shinya's.)

shinya: It didn't work?

JCM: I knew I should have gotten help from ACS!

shinya: Just forget it.

JCM: No! I made you a promise, and I'm going to keep it! Even if I have to blow Kat's restaurant up!

shinya: Wait, what?

(JCM runs out of the restaurant, and shinya follows him to Explosives R Us.)

shinya: Why is this store a thing?

JCM: Don't worry, shinya! Kat's Delicious Tacos won't be delicious or tacos anymore because it won't exist! Because I'll blow it up!

shinya: (sighs) JCM, I fucked up. I never should have asked you to do this. I'm sorry.

JCM: Apology accepted! Now let's get some TNT!

(shinya punches JCM in the face, knocking him out.)

shinya: That...I'm not sorry for.

(The next day, JCM is mopping up the floor of shinya's restaurant with a black eye. Kat walks into the restaurant and laughs when she sees JCM's face.)

Kat: What happened to you?

JCM: I fell...onto shinya's fist.

(shinya comes out of his office.)

shinya: What are you doing here, Kat?

Kat: Well, I just wanted to let you guys know you won. An actual health inspector came this morning, and I thought it was JCM faking again, so I tried to rip off his mustache, which was very real, and got that health inspector very pissed off, so he's shutting down my restaurant.

JCM: Yay! (flinches) Ouch.

Kat: Fuck you!

(Kat storms out.)

shinya: Well, JCM, I guess I owe you an apology.

(shinya walks back into his office.)

JCM: So...am I getting it? Shinya? Shin? Shinjitsu?

(The End)

  • Like 1
  • God Himself 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

JCM Walks a Mile in Cha's Shoes

(Cha walks into Jjs' office at the Spongebob Community School, covered from head to toe in paint.)

Jjs: What happened to you?

Cha: I told g4ry I thought Sam Darnold was a mediocre quarterback. He didn't take it very well.

Jjs: (nods) Anyway, as I'm sure you know, the big state test is coming up, and we'll need all hands on deck to ensure our students do as well as possible on the test and get this school as much funding as we possibly can.

Cha: What does that have to do with me? I'm the art teacher.

Jjs: For the next two weeks, every teacher will be required to dedicate at least 45 minutes a class to state test prep.

Cha: 45 minutes? That's half the class!

Jjs: Save the math for the students, Cha. I got my Masters so I wouldn't have to do that shit.

Cha: (sighs) Just email me the revised curriculum. I'll be on my lunch break.

(After taking a shower in the locker room, Cha drives to shinya's Korean restaurant. When she sits down at a table, JCM approaches her.)

JCM: Hi there! Would you like a menu?

Cha: JCM! How long have you been working here?

JCM: About a month now. Usually I clean up after everyone's gone, but one of the waitresses called in sick.

Cha: Well, I'm glad you're doing well!

JCM: But I'm not doing well! I miss my old job. Just when I started to accept I would never be a teacher, now I can't step foot on the Spongebob Community School grounds without getting charged for trespassing.

Cha: Trust me. Being a teacher isn't all it's cracked up to be. I would love to get away from the bureaucracy, the kids who don't appreciate what you do for them.

JCM: (shrugs) Yeah, whatever. So, what do you want?

Cha: Can I get some of your bulgogi?

JCM: Sure!

Cha: Also, do you sell fortune cookies here?

JCM: Shinya!

(Shinya comes out of his office.)

Shinya: What?

JCM: Do you sell fortune cookies here?

Shinya: No, they only do that at Chinese restaurants.

JCM: Wait just a sec, Cha!

(JCM leaves the restaurant, and a few seconds later, he walks back into it.)

JCM: I've got them!

Shinya: What? How?

JCM: The lady from the Chinese restaurant down the street gave them to me. Here you go, Cha!

(JCM gives Cha one of the two fortune cookies he's holding.)

Cha: Thanks!

Shinya: JCM, there isn't a Chinese restaurant anywhere near here.

(As JCM and Cha break their fortune cookies, they read the same fortune inside them:

A journey soon begins
Its prize reflected in another's eyes
When what you see is what you lack
Then selfless love will change you back)

Cha: Is this one of those Chinese raps?

JCM: Uh, JCM...

Cha: What?

JCM: I think we just switched bodies.

Cha: Oh.

(JCM and Cha scream.)

Shinya: Goddamnit, I know what's going on. Wait just a minute. I'll get this fixed.

(Shinya leaves the restaurant.)

JCM: Oh, man. I hope Shin fixes this. I can't go back to work looking like this.

Cha: Oh my gosh! This is like that Spongebob episode, The "Oh gee's" Always Greener!

JCM: The what?

Cha: I'll be back, Cha! I'm just gonna spend the rest of the day living out my dreams!

JCM: What the fuck?

(Cha leaves the restaurant.)

JCM: JCM, get back here!

(Shinya walks down the street and finds the vacant building that used to be Kat's Delicious Tacos has a banner hung over it saying "Very Good Chinese Food Place." Shinya walks into the building and sees an old Asian lady behind the counter.)

Lady: Oh, hello! Would you like fortune cookie?

Shinya: Cut it out, Elsa. I know it's you.

(The lady transforms into Elsa.)

Shinya: Why are you still shapeshifting and fucking around with people?

Elsa: Because it's fun! 

Shinya: Well, it's bad for business. Now, come with me so you can change them back.

Elsa: The only thing that can change them back is selfless love. You know that thing about magic. It always comes with a cost.

Shinya: Fuck you, Elsa.

(Shinya leaves the building. At the Spongebob Community School, Cha walks into her classroom, clearly in awe of what's going on.)

Prez: Hi, Miss Cha!

Cha: Miss Cha! I like that!

Prez: I did another Squnschfuck drawing for my latest assignment.

Cha: Squnsch...what?

Prez: Remember? It's that crossover I made between Squidward and the obscure German cartoon, Wunschfuck.

(Prez reveals a drawing of Squidward standing with a cat that has a massive human penis.)

Cha: W...why?

Prez: You told me to draw what I love!

Cha: Well, have you tried loving things that are less weird?

(Prez crumples the drawing up.)

Prez: Fuck you, you heartless bitch!

(Prez runs out of the classroom in tears.)

Cha: Wait! Prez! (sighs) So, what does Cha...I mean, what do I usually talk about around this time?

Dmandaman: You were explaining the various art movements. Last time, you were talking about Dada.

Cha: Whose dada?

Dmandaman: Are you okay, Miss Cha?

Cha: Yeah, just...draw whatever you like. But make sure to keep private parts out of it.

(After class is over, Jjs stops Cha in the hallway.)

Jjs: Cha. Office. Now.

Cha: Ooh, are we playing a game? This. Is really. Fun. Wait, I think I did two words for one of them! Let me try again!

Jjs: What the fuck is wrong with you? Come with me to my office now!

(Jjs and Cha walk to Jjs' office.)

Jjs: So, Cha, what is this I hear about you crushing Prez's dreams? You're supposed to wait until after they've spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on a college degree before doing that! It's like you're new to education!

Cha: I...I'm sorry.

Jjs: And did you use one bit of that test prep I gave you for that class you just taught?

Cha: What test prep?

Jjs: Take the rest of the day off, Cha. It's obvious you aren't yourself right now.

Cha: I...I'm totally myself! I've never been more myself! I'm the same old Cha you hired five years ago!

Jjs: Nuggets hired you.

Cha: Same difference.

Jjs: My decision is final. Go home. And whatever you did during that lunch break...don't do it again.

(Cha walks out of the school sadly. She feels something vibrate in her pocket, and she takes a cell phone out with MCJ's name on the screen and green and red phone icons under it.)

Cha: MCJ?

(Cha taps the green icon, and she puts the phone to her ear.)

MCJ: (over the phone) Hey, Cha, I know you told me not to call this number anymore, but I just can't stop thinking about you. Can we try again?

Cha: I...guess so.

MCJ: Really? Fuck yeah! I know this perfect place we can go tonight! It's very upscale. It even has Michael Bolton doing the music tonight!

Cha: (nervous) That sounds nice.

MCJ: So, meet you at my place at 8?

Cha: Actually, I might need a little more time to think about

(MCJ hangs up the phone.)

Cha: Gosh darn it.

(That night, JCM knocks on the door of his house. MCJ opens it wearing a suit and a large grin on his face.)

MCJ: Hello there. (frowns) Oh, it's you.

(MCJ lets his twin brother into the house before closing the door behind them.)

JCM: Got a date tonight?

MCJ: Yeah, and you won't believe who it is with...Unlimitedcha!

JCM: WHAT?

(To be continued)

  • Like 1
  • Wow 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...