JCMovies

[JCM]

JCMfluenza

 

(JCM is taking books out of his locker when he sneezes loudly, causing him to drop the books. Trophy, who happens to be walking down the hallway, stops to help JCM pick them up.)

 

JCM: (hoarse) Thanks.

 

Trophy: Say, are you all right?

 

JCM: Yeah, it's nothing. It's just my... (sneezes) ...just my... (sneezes) ...allergies.

 

Trophy: Okay...

 

(Once JCM and Trophy are finished picking up the books, JCM closes his locker.)

 

JCM: Thanks again.

 

(Trophy gives JCM the remainder of his books, and then JCM sneezes more loudly than before, causing one of JCM's eyeballs to pop out of his head.)

 

Trophy: Holy shit!

 

JCM: Don't worry. That happens all the time!

 

(JCM pushes the dangling eyeball back into its socket. Trophy runs off screaming.)

 

JCM: Hey, what's wrong?

 

(JCM shrugs and walks into his math class just as the bell rings.)

 

CDCB: Today, we're going to learn about the Pythagorean...

 

(JCM sneezes.)

 

CDCB: (narrows eyes) Today, we're going to learn about the Pythagorean...

 

(JCM sneezes.)

 

CDCB: Today...

 

(JCM sneezes.)

 

CDCB: Goddamn it, JCM! If you don't get your ass to the nurse's office right now, (takes out a switchblade) I will fucking cut you!

 

JCM: Didn't they make cutting students illegal last year?

 

CDCB: Damn it. (pockets the switchblade) Just go to the nurse's office.

 

JCM: Yes, sir!

 

(JCM goes to the nurse's office.)

 

SG: How may I help you today?

 

JCM: (sneezes) I think I'm getting sick.

 

SG: That's alright. Just let me take your temperature and we'll see what to do from there.

 

(SG puts a thermometer in JCM's mouth.)

 

SG: 500 degrees? How are you still alive?

 

JCM: Is that in Celsius?

 

SG: Oh, right, sorry. It is.

 

(SG takes the thermometer out of JCM's mouth and turns it around.)

 

SG: 932 degrees? How are you still alive?

 

JCM: Is that in Fahrenheit?

 

SG: I thought you wanted Fahrenheit.

 

JCM: No, I wanted Kelvin.

 

SG: Fuck you.

 

(SG throws the thermometer in the trash.)

 

JCM: You won't be sending me home, will you, Mrs. SG?

 

SG: No, I'll be sending you straight to the hospital!

 

JCM: What? Oh, man! I knew I shouldn't have drunk that entire bottle of hot sauce this morning!

 

SG: (pauses) You did what?

 

JCM: I drank a bottle of hot sauce. I was catching a cold, and I didn't want to miss school today, so I figured that drinking something hot would cure the cold, since hot and cold are opposites, and it made sense at the time.

 

SG: Are you really that much of a moron?

 

JCM: I was scared, okay! School is the only place where I feel like I belong, and I didn't want to miss one day here, not one day, because that's one adventure I won't get to have, one story I won't get to tell my grandchildren, one... one...

 

SG: Stop. When was the last time you sneezed?

 

JCM: When I came in here. Why?

 

SG: Do you know how much time passed between when you came in here and now?

 

JCM: Oh my gosh, you're right! I don't have a cold anymore!

 

SG: I don't know whether I'm in a shitty medical drama or not, but I think that you just found the cure to the common cold!

 

JCM: Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my...

 

(JCM burps out a powerful flame, blackening SG's face and burning off most of her hair.)

 

SG: You know what? Never mind. Get the fuck out of my office.

JCM: But we cured the common... (sneezes) Oh. Ha ha. I guess it was just temporary.  (leaves)

 

SG: (sighs) JCM, a disease that not even modern medicine could cure.

 

(The End)

[Cha]

Oh my god, I haven't laughed that hard from something in a while. That "strip mall" one was pure gold. Totally will read more soon.

[JCM]

JCM Roughs It in the Woods

(Wumbology, Elastic Dog, and JCM are hiking through the forest.)

Wumbology: Thanks for agreeing to go on this camping trip with me, guys. Apparently, the other students' weekends are too important to spend soaking in the wonders of nature.

Elastic Dog: I'm just here because I need the extra credit.

JCM: Same.

Wumbology: Yep, nothing like the great outdoors!

(Wumbology takes off his backpack and sets it on the ground.)

Wumbology: Watch over this backpack while I go to take a whiz.

(Wumbology goes behind a tree and starts to urinate.)

Wumbology: Ah, the freedom of pissing au natural.

JCM: Please stop talking.

(Suddenly, a black bear appears from the bushes and rips Wumbology's backpack into shreds.)

Elastic Dog: Holy shit! A bear!

Wumbology: (zips up his pants) A bear? Don't worry! Canadians like me deal with bears all the time!

JCM: I'm not sure if that's 100% factual.

(Wumbology jumps from behind the tree and sees that the bear is helping itself to the contents of his backpack. Wumbology runs into the bear, causing them both to tumble to the ground and then roll into the bushes.)

JCM: Mr. Wumbo!

Elastic Dog: That crazy bastard better come back soon.

JCM: What if he doesn't come back? What if we'll be stuck in the middle of this forest until we both die of starvation?

Elastic Dog: What's with the negative energy, brah? We'll be fine. Relax.

JCM: (sighs) Fine. Since it's getting cold, I'll start a fire.

(JCM picks up two sticks and rubs them together.)

JCM: Hmm. This is taking longer than I thought.

Elastic Dog: Uh...JCM?

JCM: It's all right! I can do this! I can do this, man!

(Two hours later, JCM is still rubbing together the sticks. He turns around and sees Elastic Dog warming his hands over a fire.)

JCM: Wha-how did you do that?

Elastic Dog: (takes out a match) The magic of 20th century technology.

JCM: (muttering) I still could've done it.

(JCM sits down across from Elastic Dog and warms his hands over the same fire.)

Elastic Dog: So, how's things going with that Smiles chick? Fuck her yet?

JCM: Hey! Watch what you say about my half-sister!

Elastic Dog: She's your half-sister? I didn't know you were into that shit.

JCM: I'm not into anything! I...I don't know.

(JCM lays down on his back. Elastic Dog does the same after a few seconds.)

JCM: You know, I've never actually taken the time to look up at the night sky and see what it has to offer. It really is beautiful.

Elastic Dog: Yeah. You could get lost in those stars forever.

JCM: Maybe Mr. Wumbo was right. Maybe this nature thing isn't so bad. (sits up) Mr. Wumbo! He hasn't come back yet! He's probably dead! And that bear ate up our weekend stash, so...

Elastic Dog: What did I say about negative energy? Things will work themselves out. Mr. Wumbo will return.

(Two nights later, JCM and Elastic Dog are shivering next to where the fire once was.)

JCM: Are you sure your match has nothing else in it?

Elastic Dog: I'm sure! I've tried a million times! You're right, JCM! Mr. Wumbo isn't coming back! We're both gonna starve out here! Unless...

JCM: Unless what?

(Elastic Dog takes a bite out of JCM's arm.)

JCM: Ouch! Why did you do that?

Elastic Dog: It's eat or be eaten, JCM! We're in the wild now!

JCM: You're crazy!

(JCM grabs his bleeding arm and runs away. Elastic Dog follows JCM with a hungry look in his eyes. They both run into Wumbology.)

JCM and Elastic Dog: Wumbology?

Wumbology: Hey guys. Sorry I left you alone for so long, but I've got great news! Me and the bear are engaged!

JCM: Elastic Dog and I spent the last two nights eating mud, and he just tried to eat me!

Wumbology: Well, it's great that we all have stories to tell for when we're back at the school, rubbing our awesome experiences in the faces of the kids who chose a weekend of unproductivity over a weekend of...yes-productivity.

(A roar is heard in the distance.)

Wumbology: Sorry, the fiancé wants another mating session, (winks) if you know what I'm talking about.

JCM: Please stop talking.

(The End)

[MMM]

why is this so funny 

[Wumbo]

I am offended by the stereotype that Canadians are bear-shaggers.

 

Loljk, great episode!

[JCM]

JCM Clashes With His Evil Twin Brother

 

(JCM walks into Unlimitedcha's office and puts a file on her desk.)

 

JCM: Here are some updates on the case of Mr. Clappy's missing hamster.

 

Unlimitedcha: Thanks! We'll get to the bottom of that case, or my name isn't CowBob RanchPants!

 

JCM: But your name isn't CowBob RanchPants.

 

CowBob RanchPants: It is now.

 

JCM: How did you...never mind. (looks out the window) Is it just me or does this school seem a little more crowded?

 

CowBob RanchPants: It is more crowded. That's what you expect when you merge with another school.

 

JCM: What other school?

 

CowBob RanchPants: The Avatar Refuge Academy. We've been covering the merger for the last month. Don't you read the newspaper you write for?

 

JCM: Uh...totally! Wait, the Avatar Refuge Academy? That's the school my evil twin brother went to!

 

CowBob RanchPants: You have an evil twin brother?

 

(Somebody who looks exactly like JCM, but with a goatee, walks into the office.)

 

JCM lookalike: (with a British accent) Hiya there, chap! What a coincidence seeing you here!

 

JCM: (facepalms) Oh, no.

 

CowBob RanchPants: That's your evil twin brother, I assume?

 

JCM lookalike: (laughs) Is that the moniker he's giving me? I prefer "MCJ", if you don't mind. How about you? What's your name?

 

CowBob RanchPants: CowBob RanchPants.

 

MCJ: Lovely name for a lovely lady.

 

(MCJ takes CowBob's hand and kisses it. CowBob blushes.)

 

JCM: Alright, alright, enough of that! What are you doing here, MCJ?

 

MCJ: I wanted to write for the school newspaper, and a jolly good bloke out there told me that this would be the place to sign up.

 

JCM: Well, too bad!The slots are filled! Looks like you'll have to spread your liberal propaganda somewhere else!

 

MCJ: Bugger. I guess I'll get going then.

 

CowBob RanchPants: Wait! The assistant head reporter spot is open!

 

JCM: But I'm the assistant head reporter!

 

MCJ: I'll take it!

 

(MCJ and CowBob RanchPants shake hands.)

 

MCJ: Looks like we'll be seeing a lot of each other now, old chum.

 

CowBob RanchPants: (giggles) I know.

 

(MCJ walks out of the office, and JCM follows him.)

 

JCM: What the heck was that?

 

MCJ: That was me taking your job.

 

(MCJ pulls down JCM's pants.)

 

MCJ: And this is me taking your dignity.

 

(Everyone in the hallway laughs at JCM.)

 

JCM: (crying) I knew you were evil! And not just because of your British accent!

 

MCJ: Oh, JCM. You've always been a wanker, and now that we're attending the same school together, I get to make your life a living hell.

 

(ExKizuna pushes through the laughing crowd and sees MCJ push a crying JCM to the floor.)

 

ExKizuna: Nobody pushes JCM around except me!

 

(ExKizuna shoots a spitball at MCJ's face through a straw.)

 

MCJ: What the?

 

ExKizuna: Hey, shithead! I'm callin' you out!

 

MCJ: Was the spitball really necessary?

 

ExKizuna: No!

 

(ExKizuna punches MCJ, and MCJ returns the punch.)

 

JCM: They're fighting over me! I feel so special!

 

(MCJ ducks before ExKizuna can throw another punch at him, and then he swings his right leg to make ExKizuna fall. He elbows ExKizuna in the stomach after that, and ExKizuna grabs his arm and starts to bite it. Clappy comes out of a nearby room.)

 

Clappy: Why is there fighting going on? And why isn't anyone recording it?

 

(MCJ elbows ExKizuna again with his free arm, causing ExKizuna to let go of the arm he's biting. A hamster crawls out of the air vent behind MCJ.)

 

MCJ: Alright! Prepare to have your arse handed to you!

 

(The hamster crawls up MCJ's left leg.)

 

MCJ: Bloody hell! What the bollocks is that?

 

(The hamster crawls up MCJ's shirt before popping out and latching onto his nose with its teeth.)

 

MCJ: Blimey! Get this thing off of me!

 

Clappy: Buddy! There you are!

 

(MCJ runs around the hallway before Clappy walks up to him and snaps Buddy off, taking MCJ's nose with it.)

 

Clappy: You can keep that as a souvenir! (baby-like) Yes you can, Buddy! Yes you can!

 

MCJ: (nasally) My voice! My beautiful British voice! I sound like my brother now!

 

JCM: Oh, come on! My voice isn't that annoyingly high-pitched!

 

Everybody: Yes, it is!

 

JCM: Okay, it is.

 

MCJ: I now understand why you're such a wanker, JCM. Walking around with this voice all day, every day must have fucked you up horribly.

 

JCM: Thanks?

 

MCJ: You're welcome. Just do me a favor. Don't tell Miss RanchPants about what occurred today. I've come to fancy her quite a bit, you know.

 

JCM: Okay?

 

MCJ: Goodbye, JCM! Our paths will never cross again!

 

JCM: We live in the same house.

 

MCJ: Okay! Our paths will cross again, but I won't like it!

 

(MCJ walks into the nearest classroom.)

 

ExKizuna: So...are you going to pull up your pants now, JCM?

 

JCM: Just a moment...just a moment.

 

(The End)

[crushingmayhem]

I really like this episode, especially the Avatar Refuge part. that brings back lots of memories. Anyway, the story had a lot of funny moments and I think its pretty good.

[JCM]

JCM Unifies the SpongeBob and Avatar Communities

(JCM walks into the media center.)

President Squidward: The projector is ours!

King Bumi: No, fuck you, it's ours!

JCM: I didn't know we had a media center.

Servin' Up Smiles: If you two don't come to a decision soon, I won't be giving the projector to either of you!

JCM: Smiles? You're a librarian now?

Servin' Up Smiles: Yeah, I needed something to do outside of lunchtime.

President Squidward: It's not fair! We do the AV Club every Monday, and as part of the AV Club, we screen an episode of SpongeBob with this projector!

King Bumi: We also do AV Club every Monday, but our old projector was sold by the Native American casino down the street to help pay off the Academy's debt! We need this projector to screen our weekly Korra ep!

President Squidward: Then do your AV Club some other day!

King Bumi: No! Do yours some other day!

President Squidward: No!

JCM: Can't you just share the projector?

President Squidward and King Bumi: No!

Servin' Up Smiles: That's it! Both of you, leave!

JCM: Wait! I think I can solve this!

President Squidward: Why do you care? You aren't in AV Club.

JCM: No, but I am in the Model United Nations, and solving a dispute between the leaders of two competing AV Clubs will be the perfect way for me to practice my diplomacy!

Servin' Up Smiles: Alright, whatever. But lunch starts in five minutes, so you need to get this wrapped up by then.

JCM: You got it! The key to solving this issue, as is the key to solving any international dispute, is to look at the underlying problems between the two nations.

(A young man, whose face is obscured by a book entitled "50 Scales of Grey", speaks up.)

Man: Maybe I can explain.

(The man lowers the book to reveal that he is terminoob.)

President Squidward: (gasps) It's the founder of SBC!

JCM: What are you doing here?

terminoob: Well, I was reading this wonderful piece of dinosaur pornography when I heard that you needed some insight into the ongoing feud between Avatar and SpongeBob fans.

King Bumi: What did you say about dinosaur pornography?

terminoob: It all started in 2008...

(Flashback: terminoob is a student at the TV School.)

terminoob: (voiceover) Everything was great back then. Avatar and SpongeBob fans lived in perfect harmony.

(Flashback: terminoob reads a newsletter and covers his mouth.)

terminoob: (voiceover) But everything changed when the KCAs 2008 attacked.

King Bumi: (voiceover) I get the reference!

terminoob: (voiceover) Shut up. The KCAs 2008 ended a five-year winning streak for SpongeBob SquarePants in the category of Best Cartoon. 25 lives were lost in the aftermath. Mostly due to an unrelated syphilis outbreak. That shit can kill.

(Flashback: terminoob stands proudly in front of the recently-established SpongeBob Community School.)

terminoob: (voiceover) One year later, I founded the SpongeBob Community School, due an also-unrelated outbreak of horrible, corrupt administrators at the TV School, one of whom suspended me for chewing gum in class! Who the fuck does that? Anyway, the relationship between the SpongeBob and Avatar fandoms were forever changed, and I got to be the most powerful person in a school, for a couple of months anyway, before I got bored and gave the reigns to the school to Clappy.

(End flashback.)

JCM: So, the Avatar-SpongeBob feud began because of a Kids' Choice Award?

terminoob: I guess so. I never really stayed up-to-date on that shit.

President Squidward: I don't care about some stupid KCA win from five years ago! I just want the projector for my AV Club!

King Bumi: And I mine!

JCM: So we've gotten nowhere.

terminoob: No, we haven't. My story taught us all a very important life lesson.

JCM: What was that?

terminoob: Always wear a condom! Or you'll get syphilis, and nobody wants that!

JCM: Go back to reading your unholy dinosaur book, thanks.

Servin' Up Smiles: Okay, your five minutes are up. I'm taking away the projector!

JCM: No!

(JCM takes out a mallet and smashes the projector to pieces.)

JCM: Don't you understand? This projector has been stalling what could have been a long, fruitful relationship between our two communities! We need to forget about this projector and focus on forging a single AV Club which plays SpongeBob and Korra side-by-side on a projector that...no longer exists. (scratches his chin) Maybe I should have thought this out more.

President Squidward: You know what? You're right. We should come together...

King Bumi: Against you!

(JCM drops the mallet and runs out of the media center with Professor Squidward and King Bumi on his tail.)

JCM: Man, being a diplomat is harder than I thought!

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Freezes His Butt Off at the North Pole

(The entire student body is in the cafeteria for a Christmas party. JCM approaches Servin' Up Smiles beside one of the tables.)

JCM: Hey, Smiles! These cookies you made are fantastic!

Smiles: Thanks! But you don't have to call me "Smiles". You can just call me "sis"!

JCM: (chuckles nervously) I'd rather not.

(A mistletoe appears above JCM and Smiles.)

Smiles: What the...

(JCM notices that the mistletoe is connected to a fishing rod, which Elastic Dog is holding.)

JCM: Excuse me. I have a dog to neuter.

Smiles: Oh, my!

(Elastic Dog drops his fishing rod and starts to run away from JCM, who is in hot pursuit. Elastic Dog ducks under a table next to CNF.)

JCM: CNF! Could you move for just a second?

CNF: (rolls eyes) Happy holidays to you, too.

JCM: Yeah, yeah, happy holidays. Now move, goshdarnit!

(Elastic Dog stretches his head out from under the table.)

Elastic Dog: Maybe we can reach a compromise.

(JCM starts to strangle Elastic Dog.)

Elastic Dog: (choking) Or...not.

(JCM sighs and lets go of Elastic Dog's neck.)

JCM: You're lucky I don't want to end up on Santa's naughty list!

CNF: (chuckles) You still believe in Santa Claus?

JCM: Of course I do! Who else delivers presents to the good little boys and girls of the world?

CNF: Their parents.

JCM: I'm pretty sure that everyone's parents can't fit in a sled! That's common sense, Classic!

Elastic Dog: Santa doesn't exist, yo.

(JCM starts to strangle Elastic Dog again.)

JCM: Take...that...back!

CNF: Come on, JCM. Everybody knows that Santa Claus is just a lie that parents tell their kids to force them to be good during the holidays.

JCM: (lets go of Elastic Dog's neck) Santa Claus is real, and I'll prove it!

Elastic Dog: How? It's not like you can just fly us to the North Pole.

JCM: Maybe I can!

(JCM takes a flip phone out of his pocket and dials a number.)

Elastic Dog: People still use flip phones?

JCM: Hello? Do you think you can take us to the North Pole in your fighter jet? You can? Sweet!

(JCM puts the flip phone back in his pocket.)

JCM: Great news! We're going to the North Pole!

CNF: Right now? But we're still in school.

(Aquatic Nuggets climbs onto one of the tables with a microphone.)

Aquatic Nuggets: Alright, students! Christmas break starts in 5...4...3...2...

CNF: Fuck me.

(JCM, CNF, and Elastic Dog leave the school, and they see a fighter jet waiting for them, with Person in the pilot's seat.)

Elastic Dog: Person? What are you doing with a fighter jet?

Person: I borrowed it from a military base! Isn't this awesome?

CNF: No! It's illegal and dangerous!

Person: Right! Awesome!

Elastic Dog: There's no way in hell I'm flying to the North Pole on a stolen fighter jet with JCM and Person!

JCM: Would you do it for an Elastisnack?

(One hour later)

Elastic Dog: I can't believe I'm flying to the North Pole on a stolen fighter jet with JCM and Person!

CNF: And me!

Person: According to my calculations, we'll reach the North Pole in twenty minutes.

Elastic Dog: If you knew how to calculate shit, you wouldn't have dropped out of math!

JCM: Elastic Dog! Where's your holiday spirit?

Elastic Dog: Up your ass and around the corner.

JCM: That...didn't make any sense.

Elastic Dog: I'm sorry, okay? I get airsick.

CNF: Let's just get to the North Pole and back before my parents start to worry, okay?

JCM: You got it! Oh man, I can't wait to see Santa Claus in person! (notices the fuel gauge) Uh, Person...I think we're out of gas.

Person: What? No, we have plenty of gas! See? (points to the gauge) The "F" there means "Full" and the "E" means "Extremely Full"!

(The fighter jet crashes in the snow.)

Person: Of course, I've been wrong before.

Elastic Dog: Are you crazy? We could have died! Why didn't you fill up the plane before taking us on a seven-thousand-mile round trip?

Person: Do you have any idea how expensive gas is for military aircraft? I'm not made of money!

(While Elastic Dog and Person continue to bicker, JCM builds a snowman.)

JCM: Alrighty, then. Here's some coal for the eyes and a button for the nose.

CNF: Do you carry that shit wherever you go?

JCM: All it needs is a hat!

(The wind blows a red and white hat onto the snowman's head.)

JCM: What a perfect coincidence!

(The snowman glows for a second, and then its coal eyes start to blink.)

JCM: Oh, my gosh!

Snowman: Happy birthday!

JCM: Die!

(JCM grabs a piece of the crashed fighter jet and uses it to bludgeon the snowman to death.)

Voice: Can I have my hat back?

JCM: (turns his head) Holy night!

CNF: (turns his head) What the fuck?

(Elastic Dog and Person, who are now slapping each other repeatedly, also turn their heads, and then they gasp at the owner of the voice, who is none other than Santa Claus.)

Santa: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!

(To Be Continued)

[JCM]

The JCMovies 69th Episode Spectacular! (aka JCM Freezes His Butt Off at the North Pole Part 2)

(JCM, CNF, Elastic Dog, and Person are drinking hot cocoa in the living room of Santa Claus' mansion.)

JCM: Thanks for letting us stay here while you get the sled prepped for our ride back home!

Santa: I'm always happy to help my fans!

CNF: I can't believe this. I'm sorry for not believing in you, Santa.

Santa: That's alright! If all the kids of the world believed in me, I wouldn't even have time On Christmas Eve to stop by all their houses!

Elastic Dog: How can you afford this nice getup, anyway?

Santa: The countries where kids believe in me pay me a very large sum to keep my operation going.

JCM: Speaking of that, can we take a tour of your workshop next?

Santa: I'm sorry, but the elves are really busy this time of year. You would only distract those little guys.

(A young woman in a nightgown appears out of Santa's room.)

Woman: I'm getting lonely, Mr. Claus.

Santa: I'll be there in a minute, honey!

(The woman goes back into Santa's room.)

Santa: So, take a look around the mansion if you'd like. Feel free to fill up your cups of hot chocolate in the kitchen when you run out.

(Santa goes into his room, and a few seconds later, a loud thumping noise is heard.)

Santa: (from inside the room) Oh, Mrs. Claus, you've been a very naughty girl.

Elastic Dog: Now that my childhood has been reaffirmed and subsequently destroyed, I'm going outside for air.

(Elastic Dog opens the door, revealing an elf with a shotgun standing on the porch.)

Elastic Dog: What the fuck?

Elf: You aren't Santa!

Elastic Dog: No, I'm not. What are you planning to do with that gun?

Elf: I'm planning to free my race from Santa's evil clutches!

CNF: Elastic Dog, what's going on?

Elastic Dog: There's this elf here who really seems to hate Santa's balls.

Elf: There's others inside? Where did you people come from?

Person: I brought them here so JCM could show them that Santa Claus exists.

Elf: Oh, he exists, alright, and he's a fat old bastard!

JCM: What?

Elf: Don't be fooled by his jolly exterior. He's enslaved the elven population, which is native to North Pole, for over a century now. We build toys in his workshop, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with no pay and little benefits. All we're given to eat are candy canes. I'm sick and tired of it, and so are the rest of the elves, so I'm going to kill Santa and his slutty wife and take back our homeland!

CNF: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down! Are you saying that Santa has been able to force an entire race of people to work for him for free? How?

Elf: He threatens us with magical powers. They're how he got the reindeer to fly and how he's able to go down chimneys and live for as long as he has.

Elastic Dog: Magical powers? Where do they come from?

Elf: I don't know.

(JCM closes his eyes for a second and then opens them.)

JCM: His hat!

CNF: Wha?

JCM: Do you remember when Santa's hat fell onto that snowman and brought it to life? It must be the source of Santa's magic.

CNF: The hat! Of course!

Elf: So if we remove the hat from Santa, will he be rendered powerless?

JCM: He should be.

Elf: I'll call one of my elven friends to get on this right away!

(The elf leaves Santa's mansion, and at that very moment, Santa comes out of his room.)

Santa: Did anything happen while I was gone?

Elastic Dog: Nope!

Person: Not at all!

Santa: Good. (feels his head) Shit, I forgot my hat.

(Santa walks back into the room.)

Santa: (from inside the room) Where is it? I remember it falling right here while we were fucking!

Elastic Dog: Childhood still destroyed.

Mrs. Claus: I don't know where it is!

Santa: Don't give me that, you stupid ho ho hoe!

CNF: This might be our cue to leave.

(JCM, CNF, Elastic Dog, and Person tiptoe out of Santa's mansion, only to find themselves surrounded by an army of elves.)

Elastic Dog: Goddamn it. We're in the middle of an elf rebellion.

Person: An elf-bellion, if you will.

Elastic Dog: This is not the time for wordplay!

(Santa Claus stumbles out of the doorway and takes out a whistle.)

Santa: You little pricks may have taken away my hat, but I still have one last ace in the hole!

(Santa Claus blows into his whistle, and a herd of reindeer appear above the elven army.)

Person: Look! It's Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen and Comet and Cupid and...uh, Richard and Nixon! But which one is the one with the red nose?

CNF: Don't you know the song? (singing) Rudolph the...

(Rudolph's nose starts to glow, and a laser shoots out of it, blowing Person's head off.)

CNF: Jesus Christ!

(The elves scatter as Rudolph shoots lasers at them. CNF and Elastic Dog duck to avoid the lasers, but JCM remains standing, and when one of the lasers hit him, he absorbs the laser's energy and shoots the laser back at Rudolph, killing him.)

Santa: Christ Jesus!

(Santa runs back into mansion, but the leader of the elves, now wearing Santa's hat, uses telepathy to pull him back out into the open and turn him around to face the elves.)

Elf: Do you have anything to say to us, the people whose land you forcibly took and who you worked nonstop for generations in order to pad your own fat wallet?

Santa: Sorry?

(The elf leader takes out a long, sharpened candy cane, walks up to Santa, and stabs him in the chest.)

Elf: Yeah, that's right! I turned this candy cane into a shank, bitch!

Santa: Ho...ho...ho... Merry... (dies)

(JCM closes his eyes again, and when he opens them, he jumps back in shock.)

JCM: Where did all these elves come from? And why is Santa dead?

CNF: Have you been paying attention at all for the past five minutes?

JCM: I must have blacked out again. Darn chiwa.

(The elf walks up to JCM.)

Elf: Thank you for helping us take down Santa Claus.

JCM: Th...thanks?

Elf: I wanted to give you the honor of killing his wife.

(The elf points to Mrs. Claus, who is currently tied to a chair and crying.)

Mrs. Claus: Please! I didn't know about the sweatshop! I only stuck with Santa because he was rich and good in bed!

JCM: Uh...I think we've had enough deaths for one day.

Elf: You're right. We'll kill her tomorrow.

JCM: That's not what what I meant, but okay.

Elf: Do you guys want a ride back home? There are eight terrified reindeer out there who I'm sure would love to get away from this place for a few hours.

CNF: Yes. Yes, we would.

(The elf, JCM, CNF, and Elastic Dog walk to a sled, which already has Santa's reindeer tied to it.)

JCM: Does this mean that Christmas is over?

Elf: (scratches his chin) Not necessarily. We could take over Santa's business and use the money to rebuild our civilization. We'll still make toys, but we'll make them on our own terms and distribute them to the children ourselves. After all, eating cookies with milk would beat eating candy canes any day of the week.

(The elf gets into the sled with the others, and then the reindeer take off.)

CNF: I can't believe this. Santa Claus was real. Not only was he real, but he was an asshole.

(JCM looks behind the sled, and he sees the ghost of Santa Claus riding on the back of the ghost of Rudolph.)

Santa's ghost: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fuck!

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Produces a Low-budget Musical

(teenj walks into his classroom dressed like Shakespeare.)

teenj: Good morrow, mine sirrahs! How doth all of ye doth?

JCM: Mr. teenj, why are you talking French to us?

teenj: This isn't French, bitch. This is Shakespearean English, brach, which you shall be seeing a lot of as we begin our unit on Shakespeare's greatest tragedy, Hamlet!

(JCM groans.)

teenj: Is that a groan I hear? Dost my ears deceive me?

JCM: Shakespeare is boring! Can't we read something more exciting, like The Wizard of Oz?

teenj: The Wizard of Oz? Are you serious?

JCM: Why not? It teaches us a lot of good lessons, like how witches can melt as well as burn! Now instead of burning all the witches I find at the stake, I can just throw them in a river and be done with them!

teenj: Note to self: Watch out for JCM.

JCM: So, what do you say?

teenj: We're still reading Hamlet, and since you've just thoroughly disturbed me, I'm making you produce the play based on it.

JCM: What? Why can't you produce it?

teenj: Because I'm a busy man. Do you have any idea how many ladies in this town I haven't fucked yet? I don't have time to do a play!

JCM: And what if I refuse?

teenj: I'll fail you for the year.

JCM: That's sufficient motivation! Alright, I'll do it, but I won't like it!

(The next day, JCM is in the auditorium, watching Trophy on the stage perform as Hamlet.)

Trophy: To be, or not to be, that is the question.

JCM: Good, good, but we're missing something!

(The Grim Reaper walks into the auditorium.)

Grim Reaper: Hey, y'all.

JCM: That's it!

(JCM grabs the Grim Reaper's skull and tosses it to Trophy.)

JCM: Hold that thing while you do the soliloquy!

 

Grim Reaper's skull: Goddamn it, I am not a prop!

JCM: Are you a prop, or are you not a prop? That is the question.

Grim Reaper's skull: I just said that I'm not a prop.

Trophy: Am I getting paid for this?

JCM: No! You are acting for the sake of acting!

Trophy: Then you can suck my balls for the sake of sucking my balls.

(Trophy throws the Grim Reaper's skull to the ground and walks out of the auditorium.)

Grim Reaper's skull: How would you like it if I was this careless with your skull? Once I find my body...

JCM: This is terrible! My play is falling apart! I'll have to take drastic measures!

Grim Reaper's skull: Does it involve playing all the roles yourself?

JCM: N-no.

Grim Reaper's skull: Good, because that trope has been done to death. Ha ha! Death! Get it? Because I'm a sociopathic asshole who enjoys killing people?

(There is a long pause. The Grim Reaper's body finds his skull and re-attaches it. The Grim Reaper then leaves the auditorium.)

JCM: So, yeah. I'll have to take drasticer, drasticer measures now!

(The next day, teenj and his class walk into the auditorium. The lights dim, and a spotlight shines on a young man prancing onto the stage.)

Young man: (singing) Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, my uncle kills my father and for that he's gonna die!

(Another young man comes onto the stage, and the first young man stabs him with a fake sword. The second young man falls to the ground, and the first young man skips over him.)

Young man: (singing) I'm off to see my mother, the wonderful Queen of Denmark! I'm off, I'm off, I'm off, I'm off to maaarry her!

(teenj and JCM are watching the play from the chairs.)

teenj: Wow, I'm not sure if this is completely legal, or even remotely good, but it's definitely something.

JCM: Yeah, I recruited the actors from Broadway. Did you know that a lot of them are willing to work for food?

(A group of Munchkins dance over Hamlet's dead body.)

Munchkins: (singing) Ding dong! The prince is dead!

JCM: I'll admit that I took a bit of artistic license with that one.

teenj: That's pretty much Hamlet in a nutshell. Congratulations. You don't fail.

JCM: Yay! Oh, I almost forgot!

(JCM takes the Grim Reaper's skull out from under his chair.)

Grim Reaper's skull: I hate you.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Learns the Rules of the Road

(JCM walks into the local DMV.)

shin: How may I help you?

JCM: shin, you work at the DMV now?

shin: Yes. My restuarant went out of business.

JCM: That's a shame. Even though your food gave me explosive diarrhea, I really felt like I was a part of something.

shin: Again, how may I help you?

JCM: I'm here to renew my driver's license.

shin: Okay. Can I see your original license?

(JCM gives shin his driver's license.)

shin: What the fuck? This license expired in 1975!

JCM: Did it? Man, I would've sworn that it happened during the Reagan years.

shin: Go to the SpongeBob Community School to retake your driving test. If you pass, then I'll renew your license.

JCM: If I pass? I'm the best driver I know! I'll totes pass!

(JCM runs to the SpongeBob Community School and signs up for the driver's ed course. The next morning, JCM is in a class with other hopeful drivers. OMJ walks in.)

OMJ: Hello, everybody! I am your driving instructor!

JCM: OMJ? You're back on the SBC staff?

OMJ: Yeah, why not. So, I'm going to give out the written portion of the exam first.

(OMJ passses out the exams, and after a half-hour, he honks a very loud horn.)

OMJ: Time's up, bitches!

(OMJ takes up all the tests.)

OMJ: Now, who's willing to brave the treacherous road in the driving portion of the exam?

JCM: (raises hand) I'm willing! I'm willing!

(JCM and OMJ get into a car in the parking lot.)

JCM: Man, I haven't driven one of these in over 30 years.

OMJ: Well, I hope you didn't forget the rules of the road.

JCM: You kidding? I know the rules of the road like the back of my butt cheek!

OMJ: Well, that was an interesting choice of words.

(There is a long pause.)

JCM: So, the weather's nice.

OMJ: Let's get this thing started, why don't we?

(OMJ takes out a clipboard.)

OMJ: Okay, what do we do first?

(JCM turns the key in the ignition.)

OMJ: Good.

(OMJ checks off an item on his clipboard.)

OMJ: Next?

(JCM pulls a lever to put the car in drive.)

OMJ: Good, good.

(OMJ checks off another item on his clipboard.)

OMJ: Next?

(JCM steps on the gas pedal, moving the car slowly out of the parking lot.)

OMJ: Great.

(OMJ checks off another item on his clipboard.)

OMJ: Just keep going, and I'll tell you when you're doing something wrong.

(OMJ turns the radio on, and a rock song starts playing. JCM immediately turns the car around and speeds down the lane at 100 miles an hour.)

OMJ: What the fuck are you doing?

JCM: It's the music of the devil! I must go warn the president!

(JCM drives through various signs and hits numerous pedestrians.)

OMJ: You're doing something wrong! You're doing something wrong! Give me the wheel!

(The car goes off a cliff, and JCM flies through the rear windshield, grabbing onto the edge of the cliff as the car explodes.)

JCM: It's a good thing I didn't wear a seatbelt.

(JCM goes back to the DMV.)

JCM: So, can I renew my license now?

shin: No! You failed the written portion, and you killed the driving instructor during the driving portion! Who in their right mind would renew your license after all that?

JCM: (puppy dog eyes) Somebody with a really big heart?

shin: Get the fuck out.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Obsesses Over a Video Game

(JCM walks into the school arcade with Elastic Dog.)

JCM: We have an arcade?

Elastic Dog: JCM, how long have you been a student here?

(ExKizuna and Dr. Sex walk up to Elastic Dog and JCM.)

ExKizuna: Elastic! Glad you could make it!

Dr. Sex: Yeah, I thought that we'd have to start playing Motor Vehicle Theft without you.

JCM: Motor Vehicle Theft? What's that, Elastic?

Elastic Dog: It's this awesome game where you steal cars, drive around, and shoot people!

JCM: Why would they make games promoting criminal activities?

Elastic Dog: Don't knock it 'til you try it.

(JCM and Elastic Dog pick up controllers in front of one arcade machine, while ExKizuna and Dr. Sex pick up controllers in front of another.)

JCM: So, what do we do?

Elastic Dog: Well, first we jack this car.

(Elastic Dog's character in the game points a gun at an elderly woman in a vehicle.)

JCM: Why are you threatening that old lady with a weapon?

Elastic Dog: It's just part of the game.

(The elderly woman scrambles out of her vehicle, and JCM's and Elastic Dog's characters take her place in it.)

Elastic Dog: Okay, you drive, while I look out for threats from behind.

(Elastic Dog's character sticks his head out of a window while JCM's character drives the car.)

JCM: Will we at least give the car back to the lady when we're finished?

Elastic Dog: Sure, sure. Just keep driving. Oh, shit!

JCM: Is it the police?

Elastic Dog: No, it's a rival drug gang!

JCM: Jesus, we're selling drugs, too?

Elastic Dog: Yeah, yeah, we're bad people. Speed up!

(Elastic Dog's character shoots at the cars behind him, but one of the rival gang's bullets hit him in the face.)

Elastic Dog: Fuck!

JCM: What happened?

Elastic Dog: They killed me!

JCM: What? Nobody kills my partner!

(JCM's character swerves the car around and collides with the rival gang, causing an explosion. The words "YOU LOSE" pop up on the screen.)

JCM: We did it!

Elastic Dog: We lost.

JCM: We showed those rival gang members what happens when they mess with us.

Elastic Dog: We're also dead.

JCM: We can just play again!

Elastic Dog: I guess so...

(Three hours later, JCM and Elastic Dog are still playing MVT.)

JCM: Dang it, we lost again!

Elastic Dog: Listen, JCM, Ex and Sex left fifteen minutes ago, and I think it's time we do the same.

JCM: What? But we were so close to getting on the leaderboard!

Elastic Dog: You can still play alone. There's a one-player option when you boot up the game.

JCM: There is?

(The next day, Clappy is doing roll call in his history class.)

Clappy: Elastic Dog?

Elastic Dog: Here.

Clappy: JCM? (pauses) Where's JCM?

Elastic Dog: He's probably still in the arcade room.

Clappy: What? Oh, no!

(Clappy runs into the arcade and sees JCM, with a full-grown beard, playing Motor Vehicle Theft.)

Clappy: JCM? How long have you been in here?

JCM: Must...shoot...hookers.

Clappy: JCM, it's time to go to class.

(The words "YOU LOSE" pop up on the screen.)

JCM: No! I was so close to beating the high score!

Clappy: JCM, you have all the high scores!

JCM: You can never have too many, though!

Clappy: (sighs) JCM, what I'm about to do is for your own good.

(Clappy takes out a chainsaw and uses it to cut the MVT machine in half.)

JCM: Noooooo! Why?

Clappy: I was once addicted to a game here, too. I promised myself that I wouldn't let the same thing happen to a student. Come on, JCM. There's nothing more to see here.

JCM: Fine.

(JCM and Clappy walk out of the arcade.)

JCM: By the way, where did you get that chainsaw from?

Clappy: My girlfriend is into some weird shit. The less you know, the better.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Tries Online Dating

(JCM, CNF, and Trophy are decorating the gym with cutouts of SpongeBob characters.)

CNF: Man, this upcoming dance is gonna rock! I heard that the school will get an actual DJ for the music instead of some old guy with a bagpipe like last time.

JCM: Aw, I liked the old guy With the bagpipe.

Trophy: Nevertheless, this dance will be a great opportunity for us to have some much-needed fun before school ends.

JCM: Yeah, I'll be going with a date and everything!

CNF: What? A date? But I thought we'd be going as a group of friends like last year.

JCM: That's what I thought, too, before I met the most wonderful girl online.

CNF: You met a girl online? What's her name?

JCM: unicornsandrainbowslover96

Trophy: Wow, that's the most stereotypical girl's name ever.

CNF: JCM, I think you're being catfished.

JCM: Catfished? What does that mean?

Trophy: It means that the chick you're in love with is actually a dude.

JCM: What? Why would you think that?

CNF: Well, for one, the name "unicornsandrainbowslover96" is a bit too obvious to actually belong to a girl.

JCM: You're name is "Classic Nickelodeon Fan 1"! How do I know you're not actually a modern Nickelodeon fan in disguise?

CNF: You fucking asshole! You take that back!

Trophy: Okay, this has gotten way too heated! If you want to keep talking with rainbowsandunicornslover, JCM, go ahead, but don't come crying to us when you find out it's a man.

JCM: I won't be, because she's not a man! And her name is unicornsandrainbowslover62! Get it right or gee tee eff oh!

(JCM storms out of the gym.)

Trophy: Did JCM just tell me to "gee tee eff oh"?

CNF: Coming from him, that's harsh.

(JCM goes to the computer lab and opens his email on one of the computers.)

JCM: "Dear JCM, I agree that we should go on a real date. Here's my address. Pick me up at 7:30. Heart, unicornsandrainbowslover62!"

(JCM excitedly writes down the address and leaves. CNF and Trophy go into the computer lab a few minutes later and see the email on the screen.)

Trophy: This could spell bad news. Think we should follow him?

CNF: I guess so.

(JCM runs to his house, where his father is sitting on the couch.)

JCM's Dad: Why are you in such a hurry?

JCM: I'm about to go on a date, and I want to look my very best.

JCM's Dad: You? About to go on a date? Holy shit, I thought that this would never happen!

JCM: Yeah...do you have any suits I can borrow?

JCM's Dad: Anything to get you out of this house! Come on!

(JCM leaves his house in a suit, and then he rides his scooter down the road. 10 minutes later, he's at his destination.)

JCM: Man, this is so exciting!

(JCM walks up to the door and knocks. A middle aged man opens the door.)

Man: How's it going?

JCM: Oh, my gosh! I am being catfished!

Man: What?

(JCM takes out a bottle of pepper spray and sprays the middle-aged man in the eyes.)

Man: Oh, God! (covers his eyes) What the fuck?

(A teenage girl runs down the steps behind the middle-aged man.)

Teenage girl: What did you do to my father, you asshole?

JCM: Let me guess. You're unicornsandrainbowslover96?

Teenage girl: Who else would I be, dick?

JCM: How about we forget the whole me-pepper-spraying-you-dad-in-the-face thing and start over?

Teenage girl: Fat chance!

(The teenage girl slams the door in JCM's face. Trophy and CNF are on bicycles behind him.)

Trophy: So...it looks like you were right after all. Go figure.

JCM: How did you...you know what? I don't want to know.

(JCM walks to his scooter sadly.)

CNF: Wait, JCM! Is there anything we can do to make up for what happened?

(JCM stops, then he smiles. The next day at the dance, JCM walks into the gym with CNF and Trophy, who are both dressed like women.)

Trophy: You had to say "make up".

(Dragiiin walks into the gym, also dressed like a woman.)

Dragiiin: Look, everybody! I'm a Drag queen! (sees CNF and Trophy) Goddamn it. You ruined it. (walks out)

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Whispers at Ghosts

(crushingmayhem walks into the abandoned Avatar Refuge Academy at night.)

crushingmayhem: Man, this place brings back memories.

(OMJ's ghost appears next to him.)

OMJ: I'll say!

crushingmayhem: (jumps) What the fuck? When did you get here?

OMJ: Just now.

crushingmayhem: And you're a ghost! How did that happen?

OMJ: My microwave exploded on me because I forgot to take the aluminum wrapper off this Barnacle Burger before I put it in.

(OMJ takes a bite out of the ghost of a Barnacle Burger.)

OMJ: It was so totally worth it!

(JCM comes out of the restroom, whistling.)

JCM: OMJ! crushing! How's it going?

crushingmayhem: JCM? What are you doing here?

JCM: After jjs and I met all those ghosts in the graveyard, I decided that I wanted to become a ghost whisperer like that chick from the movie Garfield! I figured that an old, ancient place like this would have plenty of spirits for me to practice my ghost whipsering skills on!

OMJ: Yeah, there might be a ghost right in front of you.

JCM: Oh, my gosh! You're right! That Barnacle Burger!

(JCM takes out a stethoscope and puts it in front of the burger.)

JCM: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

OMJ: That wasn't what I was talking about.

crushingmayhem: JCM, what did you say about meeting ghosts in a graveyard?

JCM: Oh, it was awesome! I met Hassan, Deli, and that70sguy! By the way, did you know that 70s was impersonating Whaleblubber when all of that stuff happened with him last year?

crushingmayhem: What? Why didn't you tell me that before?

JCM: I guess I forgot.

OMJ: (takes another bite out of the burger) Mmm. This is a tasty Barnacle Burger!

crushingmayhem: I knew that Whaleblubber's "evil plan" was horseshit! Whatever 70s was up to, it must have been way worse.

OMJ: Do you know what they call a Barnacle Burger in France? A Royale with barnacles. True story.

crushingmayhem: Quit it with your Pulp Fiction references! This is serious!

JCM: Do they really call it a Royale with barnacles?

OMJ: Hell if I know. (takes another bite)

crushingmayhem: We need to go back to the graveyard and talk to 70s right now.

JCM: Can't it wait until after I find ghosts to whisper to in this building?

OMJ: Hello? Ghost right here.

JCM: No offense, OMJ, but the Barnacle Burger isn't very interesting.

OMJ: None taken. (takes another bite)

(JCM, OMJ, and crushingmayhem go to the graveyard.)

crushingmayhem: How did you or jjs summon 70s' ghost before?

JCM: I just made a lot of noise.

OMJ: Ooh! I love making noise!

(OMJ takes out the ghost of a trumpet.)

OMJ: I got this after I died in a marching band accident.

(OMJ plays the trumpet as loudly as he can, and that70sguys' ghost pops up behind him.)

that70sguy: Goddamn it, OMJ! What the fuck is wrong with you?

OMJ: I just needed to get your attention.

crushingmayhem: Hello, that70sguy.

that70sguy: crushing! I guess JCM tattled on me.

crushingmayhem: Why did you possess Whaleblubber?

that70sguy: Because I didn't want to reveal myself, obviously. I figured that assholes like you would try to foil my original plan, so I needed a cover just in case I had to come up with a Plan B.

crushingmayhem: What are these plans for? What are you trying to do?

that70sguys' ghost: It's simple. I'm trying to take over the school.

(JCM and OMJ look at each other.)

OMJ: Shit just got real.

crushingmayhem: Well, that's not going to happen, because I'm going to foil your Plan B just like I foiled your Plan A!

that70sguy: Don't be so sure of yourself. This time, I have backup, and not in the form of stupid wannabe villains.

(Hundreds of ghosts fly above the graveyard and then go on towards the school.)

that70sguy: Right on cue.

JCM: 70s, why are you doing this? I thought you loved SBC.

that70sguy: I do love it. And that's why I'm giving it the leader it deserves: me!

(that70sguy flies after the other ghosts.)

OMJ: So... do either of you have another Barnacle Burger I can kill? No? That's cool.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Busts Some Ghosts

(crushingmayhem, JCM, and OMJ's ghost watch as hundreds of ghosts fly towards the SBC School.)

OMJ: What are we going to do?

(JCM closes his eyes, then he opens them again.)

JCM: We fight.

OMJ: Fight a ghost army? Are you crazy?

(JCM points an open palm at that70sguy's grave, and he it explodes.)

JCM: No.

OMJ: How the fuck did you do that? And can you teach me?

crushingmayhem: (gasps) The chiwa!

JCM: You're correct.

crushingmayhem: When did it start coming out?

JCM: When I first learned that 70s was Whaleblubber. Since then, it has mostly taken over when I needed its assistance, and this is one of those times.

(JCM flies after the ghosts, and OMJ's ghost flies after him.)

crushingmayhem: Guys, I can't fly! (sighs) Damn it.

(People all over the city run out of their houses and look up at the ghost-filled sky.)

Clappy: The weatherman didn't say anything about this.

NegiSponge: Is it possible that we've upset some greater spirit?

Wumbo: (takes out a knife) I'll do the blood sacrifice!

Clappy: Put that fucking thing away! Is a blood sacrifice your answer to everything?

Wumbo: Yes?

Metal Snake: I'm getting out of here! This place is haunted!

(The students and teacher run to the city gate, but crushingmayhem jumps in front of them with his sword drawn.)

crushingmayhem: You cowards! Can't you see that the school is in danger? Our school?

Tropicalnards: But it's not my school. I go to SpongeBuddy Middle Sch-

crushingmayhem: Shut up! This is our chance to fight! This is our chance to show that we are not scared!

Steel Sponge: But we are scared.

Idiot Box: Personally, I'm fucking terrified.

(Everyone agrees.)

crushingmayhem: Fine! Maybe you are scared. I'm a little scared, myself. But we can't let our fear stop us from doing what's right.

E.V.I.L: Yes, we can!

crushingmayhem: Goddamn it! Will you just help me fight off the ghosts?

ooooooofy: Fine, but if we die, it's on you!

(Everyone agrees.)

crushingmayhem: That's more like it!

(JCM reaches the school with OMJ's ghost behind him. They see that70sguy's ghost on the rooftop, with the other ghosts swirling around him.)

that70sguy: Tonight, you are witnessing the ushering in of a new era: an era in which ghosts rule!

(The ghosts around that70sguy cheer.)

OMJ: This is insane!

that70sguy: What was that?

OMJ: Shit!

that70sguy: JCM! OMJ! I expected you two! Minions, attack them!

(The ghosts fly towards JCM and OMJ, but JCM puts two open palms together, and a few seconds later, the ghosts are tumbling back.)

OMJ: Man, you really need to teach me that!

that70sguy: I see that your chiwa is finally out.

JCM: Really? (looks down at his crotch, then looks up) Oh, you said chiwa! Sorry. That was a JCM moment.

that70sguy: Chiwa or not, I will take you down!

(JCM points an open palm at that70sguy's ghost, and that70sguy falls down. He gets back up and realizes that his nose is bleeding.)

that70sguy: How the fuck does a ghost's nose bleed?

JCM: This is your one and only warning. Leave the school alone or I will

(Suddenly, two ghosts grab JCM's arms from behind.)

JCM: What the...

(JCM opens his palms and creates two giant craters in the street under him. He then breaks free of the ghosts' grasp and point his palms at them, vaporizing both of them. More ghosts fly towards JCM, and he vaporizes them one by one. The townspeople, led by crushingmayhem, get to the school in time to watch the spectacle above.)

Elastic Dog: Whoa! When was JCM a badass? And when could he fly? And when was he a badass?

crushingmayhem: It's not JCM. His chiwa's in control.

CDCB: Well, whatever it is, I want some of it!

(JCM is panting by the time that70sguy's ghost comes up to him.)

that70sguy: Well, great job! You just killed half of my minions.

JCM: (raises his palm) You're next.

that70sguy: You know, you always were my least favorite history student.

JCM: (blinks) No. No, I was your favorite. Stop trying to distract me!

that70sguy: No, I hated you. That day we went to the bar together was the worst day of my life. Do you want to know why I died, JCM? Do you?

JCM: No!

that70sguy: Syphilis.

terminoob: (from below) I told you that shit can kill!

that70sguy: But also because the thought of working for you made me too depressed to live. But mostly syphillis.

(JCM lowers his palm.)

that70sguy: Face it, JCM. You are an annoying, stupid, childish little asshole. The friends you have are only your friends out of pity, and do you think your half-sister will ever reciprocate your feelings for her? Ha!

(JCM looks behind him and sees Servin' Up Smiles staring up at him from the crowd. He quickly turns away.)

that70sguy: Yeah, I know a lot about you, JCM, and while you can use that chiwa to hide it as long as you want, you will always be a loser. Nothing more, nothing less.

(JCM sadly floats back to the ground. Suddenly, a Barnacle Burger hits that70sguy's ghost in the face.)

that70sguy: Whowhawheha?

OMJ: (floats up) English, motherfucker. Do you speak it?

Clappy: (from below) A Pulp Fiction reference. Like!

OMJ: At least someone appreciates it!

(crushingmayhem rolls his eyes.)

that70sguy: I don't have time for this shit. I'll be back with some more ghosts later. If any of you know what's good for you, you'll be gone by then.

(The townspeople boo and hiss at that70sguy's ghost as he flies away. crushingmayhem walks up to JCM, who is standing by the school's door, smiling.)

crushingmayhem: Are you okay?

JCM: Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?

crushingmayhem: You don't know about...

JCM: About what?

crushingmayhem: (sighs) Nothing.

JCM: Alright, crush! See you later!

(Servin' Up Smiles is about to go up to JCM, but crushingmayhem whispers something in her ear, and reluctantly, she goes the other way instead. JCM looks up at that70sguys' ghost, and then he looks at Smiles. He wipes away a tear. The rest of the townspeople go to their homes, leaving JCM with crushingmayhem and OMJ's ghost again.)

OMJ: So... I need to go find my body... (walks off)

crushingmayhem: And I need to go the fuck to sleep, so... bye. (walks off)

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Enlists the Grim Reaper's Help in His Final Battle With that70sguy While This is Probably the Longest Title of Anything in the History of Forever

(The Grim Reaper is watching a cable news network in his underwear.)

Pundit: It's been three days since a horde of ghosts invaded our city, led by a former teacher of the SpongeBob Community School. The school has been closed since then, and the city is taking a vote today on whether or not to shut it down for good. I, for one, hope it votes "yes", because any school that produces wackos like him (points to a picture of 70s) shouldn't be teaching our students in the first place.

Grim Reaper: (muttering) They'll give anyone a show nowadays.

(The doorbell rings.)

Grim Reaper: If it's the IRS, nobody's here!

(The doorbell rings again, so the Grim Reaper slouches out the living room and opens the door. JCM walks in.)

Grim Reaper: Hey, I recognize you! You're that stupid kid from the school!

JCM: Yes, but I'm not so stupid now, now that I'm under the influence of the chiwa.

Grim Reaper: The chiwa. Wow. What an honor. I'm shitting my briefs in delight.

JCM: Don't get too excited. I won't be here for long. I just have a few questions.

Grim Reaper: Can I call a lawyer?

JCM: No.

Grim Reaper: Well, fuck you, then.

JCM: Just answer me this: Were you the one who reaped that70sguy's soul after he died?

Grim Reaper: You got that right. He was my last catch before I got fired.

JCM: Then how is he still flying about on Earth?

Grim Reaper: You don't know? That fucker took my job!

JCM: What? Oh, jeez. I should have realized this before! He tried to steal my soul all those times, and only the Grim Reaper can take souls.

Grim Reaper: Well, we can only take the souls the man upstairs doesn't want, anyway, unless a good person willingly signs away the rights to his soul, but that hasn't happened since Hitler gave me his soul in exchange for charisma. Good times.

JCM: Do you think you can still take souls?

Grim Reaper: Sure, but since I'm no longer the official reaper, there's not much of a point.

JCM: Don't you see? You can reap that70sguy's soul again and save the school!

Grim Reaper: Why can't you use your chiwa to blow him up the way you did all those ghosts?

(The Grim Reaper points to his television, which shows JCM vaporizing the ghosts in front of the school.)

JCM: (sighs) 70s used to be my history teacher. When I had the chance to kill him, something deep inside of me stopped me, and not even my chiwa was powerful enough to overcome it.

Grim Reaper: Well, I'm not a doctor, but I'd recommend that you get that "something" removed.

JCM: Can you just help me? You don't have the personal connection to 70s that I have.

Grim Reaper: Have you forgotten that that asshole took my job?

JCM: So that's more reason for you to help me defeat him.

Grim Reaper: You...damn it! I hate this new smart you! Fine, I'll help.

JCM: Good. He'll be at the school in less than an hour.

Grim Reaper: How do you know?

JCM: I read 70s' Twitter.

(JCM opens his flip phone, and that70sguy's Twitter page appears with the tweet "t8ly gonna conquer #sbcschool in an hour lol" at the top.)

Grim Reaper: I'm not sure what's weirder: the fact that you still use a flip phone or the fact that "t8ly" is a thing.

(The Grim Reaper grabs his cloak and scythe and follows JCM to the SpongeBob Community School, which is now surrounded by reporters and curious onlookers. JCM and the Grim Reaper go around the crowd and meet up with OMJ and crushingmayhem.)

OMJ: Hey, Grimmy! What have you been up to?

Grim Reaper: Just sitting at home, wallowing in my own self-pity.

OMJ: That's...nice?

crushingmayhem: JCM, why did you bring the physical embodiment of death with you?

JCM: He's going to help us take 70s down!

crushingmayhem: But are you sure that we can trust him?

Grim Reaper: Hello? I'm standing right here!

crushingmayhem: Sorry. But how exactly are you going to help us?

Grim Reaper: This scythe has the power to absorb the spiritual essence of any ghost it touches. Once 70s is in here, he won't be coming out.

OMJ: How long will it be until 70s gets here?

JCM: Twelve seconds.

Grim Reaper: What? But you said that he'd be here in an hour!

JCM: He just sent another tweet. He took a shortcut, and he'll be here sooner than he thought.

Grim Reaper: That's a lot fucking sooner!

JCM: Yeah, it was apparently a really good shortcut.

crushingmayhem: (points) There they are!

(Thousands of ghosts fly towards the school, headed by the that70sguy's ghost. The reportors and spectators run into the school in terror.)

that70sguy: Who says I don't keep my promises?

OMJ: Nobody. Nobody said that.

that70sguy: Shut up!

Grim Reaper: Hello, 70s.

that70sguy: (gasps) The Grim Reaper!

Grim Reaper: In the flesh! Well, more like in the bones.

that70sguy: What are you doing here?

Grim Reaper: The short guy brought me out here to help him.

JCM: I have a name, you know.

that70sguy: It doesn't matter! As you see, you are vastly outnumbered.

JCM: We were vastly outnumbered last time, and we still beat you!

that70sguy: That...was a setback. But I won't be making the same mistakes this time. Minions, attack!

(A pair of ghosts fly out of the ground behind OMJ and crushingmayhem, and before the two can look back, the ghosts possess their bodies.)

JCM: OMJ! crushing!

(OMJ and crushingmayhem jump onto JCM, forcing him to fight them off. Another ghost possesses JCM, but it flies out of his body a few seconds later. JCM points an open palm at the ghost and vaporizes it before OMJ and crushingmayhem jump on him again. The Grim Reaper swings his scythe at the ghosts around him, sucking them all into the scythe, and he makes his way to that70sguy.)

Grim Reaper: This is how you're spending your time as the new Grim Reaper? Trying to take over s school? Even though I dicked around a lot, I still spent most of my time...you know...reaping.

that70sguy: You're not the only one here who's gotten fired from that position.

Grim Reaper: What?

(JCM rips the ghosts out of crushingmayhem and OMJ and vaporizes them both.)

that70sguy: The only reason the Evil Underlord hired me is because I told him that I could get him JCM's soul, and with it the chiwa. I planned to do just that and use my powers as the Grim Reaper to take my rightful place as principal of SBC School. After the Whaleblubber debacle, though, the Underlord lost faith in me, and so he stripped me of my powers and told me that I was going to the eighth circle of Hell, where I would have been submerged in shit for all eternity.

OMJ: Wait, what?

JCM: It's symbolic. Those who spout...you know what...have to stand in...you know what. Didn't you read Dante's Inferno in high school?

OMJ: No, I got laid in high school.

that70sguy: Well, I wasn't about to do that, so I did a last-minute escape and came up with another way to take over the school, recruiting ghosts from all over the world who are tired of living in the shadows and want a place to call home.

crushingmayhem: But why are you so obsessed with taking over the school in the first place?

(terminoob stumbles out of the school.)

terminoob: Hey, have any of you seen my contacts? They fell out while I was running into the school.

that70sguy: Why don't you ask him?

terminoob: Huh?

that70sguy: terminoob, remember that fateful day when you decided who would follow you as principal?

terminoob: Hell yeah! Choosing Clappy as my successor was one of the best decisions I ever made!

that70sguy: You bitch!

(that70sguy flies into terminoob's body, and terminoob begins to strangle himself.)

terminoob: (with that70sguy's voice) I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to the school, and you chose that poser over me! I deserved to become principal! I deserved it! I

(JCM rips that70sguy's ghost out of terminoob's body.)

JCM: That's enough!

terminoob: (coughing) All I wanted were some contacts, man!

that70sguy: Why? Why did you choose Clappy over me?

terminoob: Listen, you were a great teacher, but you were unstable. You got paranoid a lot. You threatened, abused, and harassed other teachers when you didn't get your way. I just didn't think you were principal material.

that70sguy: Didn't think I was principal material! Look at me now! I'm a better leader than you ever were! These ghosts love me. These ghosts respect me. These ghosts are willing to put their lives on the line for what we're trying to do!

terminoob: Ghosts? What ghosts?

that70sguy: (laughs) What do you mean "what ghosts"? I

(that70sguy turns around and realizes that all of the ghosts have disappeared.)

that70sguy: What the fuck? Where are they?

(The Grim Reaper walks up to that70sguy.)

Grim Reaper: I reaped them all during your tirade.

that70sguy: What? How?

Grim Reaper: Well, I've been doing this for a while, you know. Anyway, as much as I love seeing you get all pissy, I have a job to finish, so...

that70sguy: NOOOOOOO

(The Grim Reaper taps that70sguy with his scythe, and that70sguy is sucked in.)

Grim Reaper: What a drama queen.

crushingmayhem: So...is it over?

Grim Reaper: Yep.

OMJ: Hey, Grimmy, I think you have enough souls in that thing to make the Evil Underlord an offer he can't refuse.

Grim Reaper: Hey, you're right! I could get my old job back!

JCM: Could you do one last thing for us first?

(At City Hall, a group of councilmen are about to take a vote on whether or not to shut down the SpongeBob Community School.)

Councilman 1: Those damn ghosts came back today! This is just more proof that that school is a danger to public safety, to public health, and to real estate prices!

Councilman 2: I agree! I can't wait to vote "yes" on this proposal!

Councilman 3: Me too! Or me neither! Or whatever!

(The Grim Reaper appears in front of the councilmen.)

Grim Reaper: Hello. I'm Death.

(The councilmen scream.)

Grim Reaper: I'm just letting you know that if any of you vote "yes" on this proposal, you'll be seeing me very soon.

(The Grim Reaper disappears.)

Councilman 1: So, for those of you who support shutting the school down, raise your hand.

(Not a single councilman raises his hand.)

Councilman 1: Then it's staying up! I'm going home to cry now.

Councilman 2: Me too.

Councilman 3: Me neither. I mean, me too. I mean, fuck.

(The End)

[JCM]

Here's a teaser for the upcoming season finale. Yes, it will be fully animated.

[JCM]

JCM Is All That 3: The JCManda Show

(SBC's faculty and students are crowded together in the auditorium. Aquatic Nuggets is addressing them on stage.)

Aquatic Nuggets: Hello, everyone. To help us forget about all the shit that went down with the ghosts, I got us a special guest. Please put your hands together for Amanda Bynes! (points to the curtain behind him) Amanda Bynes!

(Aquatic Nuggets turns around and peeks into the curtain.)

Aquatic Nuggets: Where's Amanda?

(Suddenly, Penelope Taynt crashes through the ceiling.)

Penelope: That's a good question! Where's Amanda, please?

Aquatic Nuggets: (turns back around) Wha-

Penelope: If you don't tell me where Amanda is, I will flip shit!

Aquatic Nuggets: You're Amanda! You're Amanda in a black wig!

Penelope: Don't be insane! I will find Amanda, and I will fuck up anybody who gets in my way, please!

(Penelope leaves the auditorium.)

Aquatic Nuggets: What the fuck just happened?

(SpongeSebastian pushes his way through the audience.)

SpongeSebastian: maybe i can explain.

Aquatic Nuggets: SpongeSeb! I haven't seen you in forever!

SpongeSebastian: my office is right next to yours...

Aquatic Nuggets: So, what do you know about this?

SpongeSebastian: amanda bynes is exhibiting the symptoms of dissociative identity disorder.

Aquatic Nuggets: In English?

SpongeSebastian: she thinks she's a bunch of different people.

Aquatic Nuggets: Damn it! Can this school get a celebrity that isn't crazy just once?

(Aquatic Nuggets leaves the auditorium with SpongeSebastian. Meanwhile, at the school's courtroom, JCM is waiting for jjstheviceprincipal to finish looking through files.)

JCM: Do I have to be here right now? I wanna see what the big surprise is at the auditorium! I hope it's a new school mascot. The shirtless sailors give me weird feelings inside my pants.

Jjs: Yes, you have to be here. You're the one who appealed your Saturday detention, and there's no way in hell I'll be the only one suffering for it.

(Judge Trudy walks into the courtroom.)

Judge Trudy: What are you doing in my chair, bitch?

Jjs: Who, me?

Judge Trudy: I don't see anybody else encroaching all up ons my territory! What's going on, anyway?

Jjs: JCM here is appealing a Saturday detention for excessive tardiness.

Judge Trudy: He wouldn't be excessively tardy if you made school more interesting, be-yotch!

Jjs: What?

Judge Trudy: Case dismissed! Bring in the dancing lobsters!

(A pair of giant, mutant lobsters run through the halls, cutting limbs off random students.)

Judge Trudy: Oh, well. I'll get them later. Now, get out of my seat!

JCM: Say, do I recognize you from somewhere?

(Aquatic Nuggets and SpongeSebastian run into the courtroom.)

Aquatic Nuggets: Where the fuck did those lobsters come from?

Judge Trudy: I found them near a nuclear power plant.

Aquatic Nuggets: Amanda!

JCM: Amanda? Amanda Knox? No, that can't be it.

Aquatic Nuggets: No, you idiot! Amanda Bynes!

JCM: Amanda Bynes is here? Where?

Aquatic Nuggets: She's the judge!

JCM: No, Jjs is the judge. Unless...jjs is Amanda Bynes in disguise!

Jjs: So much for this court session.

(Judge Trudy walks out of the courtroom.)

Aquatic Nuggets: Hey! Where are you going?

SpongeSebastian: she probably thinks she's someone else now.

Aquatic Nuggets: Quick! Let's follow her!

SpongeSebastian: and get mutilated by a dancing lobster? no thank you. i'm staying here.

JCM: Ooh, I'll go with you! I've always wanted Amanda Knox's autograph!

Aquatic Nuggets: (rolls eyes) Fine.

(Aquatic Nuggets and JCM follow Judge Trudy until she turns into the girls' restroom.)

JCM: Oh, no! She's gone into The Place No Man Shall Safely Enter!

Aquatic Nuggets: She didn't go into Paris Hilton's vagina! Come on!

(JCM and Aquatic Nuggets walk into the girls' restroom, where Servin' Up Smiles, CowBob RanchPants, and Aya are talking with Amanda Bynes.)

Amanda: Look, girls! Our first guests!

(Amanda Bynes walks up to JCM and Aquatic Nuggets.)

Amanda: Welcome to the girls' room! I'm Amber, and I'm popular! (points to Smiles) That's Smiles, and she's from Tennessee!

Smiles: No, I said I'm from California.

Amanda: (points to CowBob) That's CowBob, and she likes eggs!

CowBob: No, I said that I'm allergic to eggs! Allergic!

Amanda: (points to Aya) That's Aya, and she's bad!

Aya: You best believe it!

Aquatic Nuggets: Amanda, I know you're in there. Whatever this is, we can fix it. Just let us help you.

JCM: We know you're making up these new identities because the Italians are after you. We can hide you.

(Aquatic Nuggets stares at JCM.)

JCM: Yeah, I've been keeping up with the Amanda Knox trial! I'm not as stupid as you thought I was, am I?

Aquatic Nuggets: No, you're just as stupid as I thought you were.

Amanda: I don't like these two. Aya, give them swirlies.

Aya: My pleasure!

Aquatic Nuggets: Give us swirlies and I'll expel you.

Aya: You take the fun out of everything, don't you?

Aquatic Nuggets: Come on out, Amanda.

JCM: We believe in you, Amanda.

(One of the mutated lobsters pokes its head into the room.)

Lobster: The fate of the world rests in your hands, Amanda.

(There is a long pause.)

Lobster: What?

(Amanda looks around the room.)

Amanda: Huh? How did I get here? (sees Aquatic Nuggets) Mr. Nuggets? What's going on?

Aquatic Nuggets: Amanda! You're back!

(Aquatic Nuggets hugs Amanda.)

Amanda: (laughs) Where did I go?

Aquatic Nuggets: It doesn't matter anymore. All that matters is that you have a speech to give!

(Aquatic Nuggets and Amanda walk back to the auditorium, ignoring the armless, legless students around them.)

JCM: So, what do you think the new mascot should be?

Aya: I don't know, but I do know that I'd love to give you a swirlie!

JCM: I'll take that as a cue to leave.

(The End)

[JCM]

The season finale is here! Since I'm not a professional cartoonist, the animation is very limited, but hey, it's better than nothing!

 

JCM Graduates

 

 

For character references, see this.